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h)T MAY NOT PROVE POSSIBLE TO CATCH UP ON MARKINGv Strike ends but Cardiff students might not receive classified degrees in time for graduation ceremonies "Y #AROLINE &ARWELL .EWS %DITOR '2!$5!4)/. #%2%-/.)%3 WILL GO AHEAD AS PLANNED THIS SUMMER BUT THE 5NIVERSITY HAS WARNED THAT THERE IS A CHANCE THAT NOT ALL STUDENTS WILL RECEIVE THEIR DEGREE CLASSIFICATION BEFORE THE EVENT They believe that some examination boards may be unable to deal with the marking backlog created by the lecturers’ assessment boycott that ended last week.

Cardiff University’s Vice-Chancellor Dr David Grant said: “Regrettably, in some instances – impossible to quantify as yet – it may not prove possible to catch up sufficiently on marking and assessment in all areas in the time available and some adjustments may have to be made.�

This means that although all students will be able to attend their graduation ceremony on the proposed dates, some may only receive an interim degree at the event. These students will not receive their final marks until the examination boards have the necessary information at their disposal to recommend degree classifications.

Students have raised concerns that this will affect their plans for next year as many postgraduate courses, graduate recruitment programmes and prospective employers require details of degree classification.

However, the University has claimed that this will not be a problem for students who do not receive their marks before the graduation ceremony.

In a statement sent to all final year undergraduate students, the University said: “Students whose degrees are without classification who require a specific classification to proceed to postgraduate study can expect higher education institutions to be sympathetic to their situation and to allow progression subject to satisfactory classification at a later date.�

They also maintain that students who do not receive a classified degree in July should expect prospective employers to be ‘sympathetic’ to their situation.

Although the University has said that they cannot guarantee that graduands will receive their marks before graduation day, Dr Grant has assured students that everything will be done to try and achieve this aim. “The University, both in terms of the central administration and the individual academic Schools, will be doing all in its power to achieve this. “Minimising disruption to students has been a priority of the University throughout the dispute and remains so,� he said.

While the outlined plans appear simple, some students are unsure what will happen if they are awarded an interim degree dur-

Ă€>`Ă•>ĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂŠLÂ?Ă•iĂƒÂśĂŠgair rhydd ÂŤĂ€iĂƒiÂ˜ĂŒĂƒĂŠ>ĂŠ ÂŤÂœĂ€ĂŒĂ€>ÂˆĂŒĂŠÂœvĂŠĂŒÂ…ÂˆĂƒĂŠĂži>Ă€Â˝ĂƒĂŠ}Ă€>`Ă•>ĂŒiĂƒĂŠÂ‡ĂŠViÂ˜ĂŒĂ€iĂŠÂŤ>}iĂƒ ing July’s ceremonies, but then subsequently fail to achieve the requirements needed to pass.

The University has plans for what will happen if this scenario does arise and have said: “In the unlikely event that a student receiving an award without classification is then found to be an outright fail the award will be revoked. “Students should be reassured that our assessment and progression systems are such that only a very small number of students who progress to final year assessment record an outright fail.�

It is not yet known which students are most likely to have their work marked in time for graduation ceremonies. However, it is assumed that those on courses with a large number of students and those in departments with a high number of union members are most likely to receive an unclassified degree in July.

,EADER PAGE

#ARDIFF LECTURERS SLAM PAY SETTLEMENT "Y #HARISSA #OULTHARD .EWS %DITOR #!2$)&& -%-"%23 OF THE LECTURERS UNION 5#5 HAVE ASKED THE NATIONAL LEADERS TO RESIGN IMMEDIATELY FOLLOW ING THEIR DECISION TO SUSPEND INDUSTRI AL STRIKE ACTION Their request for resignation was reached following a unanimous vote made at a packed emergency meeting on June 6.

Their fury comes after the Union leaders decided to suspend the ongoing marking boycott.

This was pending a ballot on a pay offer tabled in negotiations between universities and unions representing academic

employees in the UK. Speaking at the meeting, CUCU President Mark Aston said: “The national leadership has breached the commitment they made to consult with members before suspending industrial action. “Union members approved the industrial action by a large majority. The leaders’ unilateral decision to suspend the action has left lecturers with little to show after months of pain suffered by students and lecturers alike. “I would expect that local associations up and down the country are likely to echo our sentiments and call for heads to roll.�

3TORY CONTINUED ON PAGE

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! SPECIAL THANKS HAS TO BE GIVEN TO THE STAFF AT THE 'UARDIAN 0RINT 0LANT IN %AST ,ONDON AND THEIR OFFICES IN &ARRINGDON 2OAD WHO HAVE HELPED US ACHIEVE THIS FINAL EDITION 7ITHOUT THE ADVICE AND PROFESSIONALISM OF $AVE +IRWIN "RETT ,AWRENCE 3IMON 3CHMITT WE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET HALFWAY TOWARDS MAKING THE PAPER YOU NOW HAVE IN YOUR HANDS 4HANKS ONCE AGAIN GUYS FOR PUTTING UP WITH A BUNCH OF STUDENTS AND GETTING A GREAT END RESULT

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#!2$)&& 345$%.43 5NION HAS BEEN NAMED THE NUMBER ONE 3TUDENTS 5NION FOR INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS IN THE COUNTRY IN A RECENT POLL More than 43,000 international students from institutions around the UK took part in the International Student Barometer poll, where they were asked questions about their experience of their Students’ Union.

Ben Thomas, Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer said: “This is a testimony to all the hard work that goes in behind the scenes at the Union.�

5NI GO GREEN WITH CAR SHARE SCHEME 4(% .%7 #%.42% (AILED A SUCCESS BY MEDICS

&UNDS INJECTED New Medic centre opens after gair rhydd calls for more facilities at the Heath "Y #HARISSA #OULTHARD .EWS %DITOR ! .%7 5.$%2'2!$5!4% CENTRE HAS BEEN OPENED FOR MEDICAL STUDENTS ONE YEAR AFTER GAIR RHYDD S )NJECT THE &UNDS CAMPAIGN CALLED FOR BETTER FACILITIES AT THE (EATH AFTER MEDICS BRANDED THEM @HORRENDOUS The ÂŁ250,000 centre, which is located on the ground floor of Block C in the main

hospital building, provides a common room, IT facilities and a locker room for their belongings.

Dr Dwarak Sastry, Associate Medical Director for Undergraduate Teaching at Cardiff and Vale NHS Trust, said: “We value our students. They are a huge asset to Wales’s main teaching hospital. “By providing this support centre, we believe the relationship between the Trust and the Cardiff University Medical School will go from strength to strength.�

Undergraduate student Natalie MacDermott said: “I think the new common room is great. It gives students a focus for meeting up, and we can discuss our day and tell each other about patients with interesting signs or get experience of different medical procedures.�

The centre was opened on Wednesday May 31 by Shagufta Penkar, winner of the Jonathon Thomas Award for outstanding achievement under special circumstances.

7ELSH #*$ DEATHS "Y 2OSS 7HITTAM 2EPORTER !. ).6%34)'!4)/. INTO THE #*$ DEATHS OF THREE 7ELSH PEOPLE HAS RE OPENED AFTER AN UNPUBLISHED REPORT OFFERED CLUES ABOUT HOW SCHOOL MEALS IN WEST 7ALES MAY HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH THE HUMAN FORM OF MAD COW DIS EASE An investigation by Wales This Week has revealed that that meat deemed unfit for human consumption could have been processed in the same area in which meat was being prepared for shipment to schools.

Marianne Harvey, 25, Richard Cole, 30 and Richard Roberts, 18, all died of variant CJD between 1999 and 2002. A whole-

saler based at an abattoir in Dafen, Llanelli, supplied all the schools attended by the three victims.

Terry Roberts’ son Richard died from the disease in 2002 and he is angry that the report has only just materialised.

He said: “It seems incredible that the inquiry team, with their access to all kinds of public records, weren’t able to find a copy.�

The report was discovered in the archives of the National Assembly’s agriculture division and obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. The abattoir is still operating but is under new management. It is one of the most modern slaughterhouses in Wales and has a clean bill of health from the Meat Hygiene Service.

#ASE RESOLVED !&4%2 ! 02/,/.'%$ DISCIPLINARY HEARING THE CASE AGAINST 'EMMA ,ONG THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE CAUGHT UP IN THE CONTROVERSY OF RE SOLD GRATIS #OME 0LAY TICKETS HAS BEEN DISMISSED BECAUSE @THE PANEL COULD NOT REGARD -ISS ,ONG AS PERSON ALLY RESPONSIBLE The resolution was reached by a University Senate Disciplinary Panel, the offence having been considered too serious for the Union Disciplinary Committee.

Miss Long’s student record will not be marred by the complaint, providing she pays â€˜ÂŁ14 to cover (the price of) the tickets and other costs’.

Gemma Long told gair rhydd: “I am very pleased that the elections are finally over for me now. “I think, however, it raises questions about the extent that candidates have responsibility for their teams and I hope these are addressed by the new team. “I am happy now to be resuming my studies in September, and to be taking a back seat again in student life here at Cardiff.�

#!2$)&& 5.)6%23)49 IS LAUNCHING A NEW ON LINE CAR SHARE SCHEME FOR STAFF AND STUDENTS IN AN EFFORT TO EASE TRAF FIC CONGESTION AND POLLUTION The Cardiff University Liftshare Scheme, launched on June 14, will mean members can find colleagues living near them who are willing to share the daily commute to work and lectures.

The new scheme, which allows the University to monitor the reduction in car usage and exhaust emissions, involves the University setting up its own group on the Liftshare internet car sharing service and is expected to improve local traffic flows.

Staff and students will be able to access the service via the University website and search for other members travelling to campus on the same route.

The site also allows members to search for people to share one-off journeys, such as trips to rugby and football matches.

Ancillary Services Manager at Cardiff University, Peter McDonnell, said: “The scheme can expect to save thousands of vehicle journeys, thousands of pounds and literally tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions in its lifetime.�

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5NIVERSITY CONSIDERS OPTIONS FOR NEW 5NION "Y +ITTY 0ARR 2EPORTER !. %84%.3)6% CONSULTATION PROJECT HAS BEGUN TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILI TIES FOR RE DEVELOPING THE 3TUDENTS 5NION FOLLOWING A MEETING THE 5NIVERSITY S 3TRATEGY AND 2ESOURCES #OMMITTEE LAST 7EDNESDAY IT CAN BE REVEALED This comes after a joint University and Students’ Union Project Group was launched by this years Sabbatical Officers, to look into the future of the Students’ Union building.

A number of potential ideas for inclusion in the new building have been proposed, including an international students lounge, a state-of-the-art coffee house, an

on-site gym as well as a One Stop Shop for advice and representation.

Students’ Union President Pete Goodman said: “The next twelve months will be extremely exciting. This project is an amazing opportunity for students to get involved in the future of their Union.�

Vice-Chancellor Dr David Grant also welcomed the reports saying, “This excellent project has given us a range of options that reflect the changing needs of students, “I look forward to the next phase of collaboration so that we can jointly explore the most appropriate strategy.�

The project also marks the first stage of ‘Cardiff 2025’, an over-arching development vision for Cardiff University as a whole, in which the Union will be used as an example for future development.

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.EW 5NIVERSITY #OLLEGE 5NION 0RESIDENT LINKED TO ' DISRUPTION University employee elected as president was outed as anti-globalisation activist last year "Y $AN 2IDLER .EWS %DITOR ! #!2$)&& 5.)6%23)49 EMPLOYEE

WHO WAS LAST YEAR REVEALED TO BE IMPLICATED IN THE ' DISRUPTIONS HAS BEEN ELECTED AS THE NEW 5NIVERSITY #OLLEGE 5NION S PRESIDENT The Union, which is a new amalgamation of the former Association of University Teachers (AUT) and National Association of Teachers in Further and Higher Education (NATFHE), elected long-serving vice-president Mark Aston as their new president in an unopposed vote at the Union’s AGM last month.

Aston, who is an administrator at Cardiff University, is one of a number of people named in a Sunday Times exposĂŠ in April last year when an undercover journalist infiltrated several meetings before the so-called ‘Festival of Dissent’, an event to disrupt the Gleneagles G8 meeting later that year.

The Cardiff University employee was said to be a ‘key organiser of the anti-globalisation group Dissent’ by the report, an umbrella organisation set up to co-ordinate between different anti-globalisation and anarchy groups.

The Sunday Times article alleged that Aston briefed those attending the pre-G8 protest meeting on the merits of cuttingoff roads, and allegedly helped to co-ordinate the blockade of the Gleneagles area.

He is also described as a key organiser of the protests, which were to include setting light to an overturned lorry, burning tyres and suspending activists from 10foot gallows devices.

The Sunday Times also claims that Aston led much of the discussion, saying: “We want to do more than just wander around Edinburgh – we have to persuade people that a blockade is more effective.�

In a conversation with gair rhydd Aston said that he could not confirm the Sunday Times story. “Obviously I have to think about my job at Cardiff University,� he said.

However, he did accept that he was connected to the Cardiff Anarchists Network (CAN).

CAN, who attended the pre-G8 protest meeting in Nottingham according to the Sunday Times, describe themselves as a group with “a confrontational attitude, since [they] do not think that lobbying can have a major impact in such biased and undemocratic organisations�. They call for ‘direct action’ to further their aims and are part of the larger Dissent network.

The Gleneagles G8 summit was infamously overshadowed by the July 7 London bombings, however protestors still caused a number of problems. They successfully blocked several roads and the Faslane naval base, the Scottish port which is home to Britain’s Trident nuclear fleet.

2ACING FOR LIFE #!2$)&& 345$%.43 !.$ 7/-%. FROM AROUND 3OUTH 7ALES TURNED OUT TO RUN FOR CANCER RESEARCH LAST WEEK AS PART OF THE ANNUAL 2ACE FOR ,IFE IN #ARDIFF More than 8,000 women ran the five kilometre race in the sweltering heat, and organisers estimate that they will raise ÂŁ370,000 for various cancer charities.

This summer, there are over 240 Race for Life events across the UK, and it is hoped that the races will raise ÂŁ46 million for cancer research.

Cardiff University student Kirstie Howe, who took part in the race, said: “It felt really good to be part of such a good cause and support those affected by cancer. The atmosphere was lovely and everyone was cheering each other on.�

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3PRING INTO SUMMER !3 7!,%3 "!3+3 IN A -EDITERRANEAN HEATWAVE #ARDIFF STUDENTS HAVE BEEN GRACING THE CITY S PARKS With the exam season coming to an end, students are taking the time out to relax in the sun. Others are taking advantage of the good weather and taking their books and revision outside.

Everyone is hoping that the weather will last until June 16, when the summer ball will take place in Coopers Field.The recent spell of good weather comes after Wales experienced the wettest May in 27 years.

4ACKLING DRINK DRIVING 7ELSH VISION With the World Cup in full-swing, Welsh police crackdown on drink drivers "Y 2OSS 7HITTAM 2EPORTER

#2!#+$/7. 0OLICE ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE ON THE ROADS THIS SUMMER

345$%.43 !2% BEING WARNED NOT TO DRINK AND DRIVE DURING THE 7ORLD #UP AS 7ELSH 0OLICE FORCES ARE LAUNCHING A CRACKDOWN ON DRINK DRIVERS DURING THE TOURNAMENT Superintendent Geraint Anwyl said: “Any amount of alcohol or drugs in the body can affect a person’s driving ability and judgement. “Despite previous drink driving campaigns, people are still being killed or seriously injured as a direct result of this reckless practice.�

The likelihood of being stopped by the police during the World Cup will increase.

A similar campaign last year found that almost a third of drivers stopped were over the limit.

Chief Inspector Phil Davies said: “Drink or drug driving is an all year problem and those who drink or drug drive should be under no illusion as to the extent of the police commitment to detecting and prosecuting drink drivers.�

Pharmacy student Greg Westley said: “I would never consider drink driving and I completely welcome this new campaign for the World Cup.�

Mr Davies added: “We will continue to enforce the drink-driving law firmly and without favour in an attempt to reduce the death toll even further and to continue the success of this campaign.�

"Y ,ILY 'RIFFITHS 2EPORTER ! 7%,3( ,!.'5!'% VISION TEST THAT HAS BEEN DEVELOPED BY TWO #ARDIFF STUDENTS IS TO BE ADOPTED ACROSS 7ALES AFTER WINNING A PRESTIGIOUS HEALTHCARE AWARD Optometry students Amy Carew, 21, and Richard Davies, 21, devised the test as part of a final-year project after learning that there was no Welsh equivalent of the test available in England.

The pair received the Best Innovative Practice in Primary Care Award at the 2006 Welsh Language in Healthcare Awards. The ÂŁ1,000 prize money received will pay for the test to be printed and distributed to 400 opticians across Wales.

The lack of a Welsh vision test has been

problematic in the past as in Welsh-speaking areas of North Wales, children do not learn to read English until the age of nine.

Vision problems have often already set in by this age.

Dr Margaret Woodhouse, the pair’s tutor who nominated them for the award, said: “Until now, Welsh speakers have been forced to undertake near vision tests in English. This is an unnecessarily demanding and sometimes impossible task, particularly for children who are first language Welsh speakers and learning to read in Welsh. “Richard and Amy’s test included a wide range of text sizes and levels of difficulty so that it is a valid assessment of vision in both Welsh and English. “It will be welcomed by patients and primary eye care practitioners across Wales.�

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"ORIS LOBBIED BY #ARDIFF 0RESIDENT

"ENEFITS FOR COUNCILLORS #!2$)&& #/5.#),,/23 ARE RECEIVING FREE TRIPS TO THE THEATRE GOING TO COCKTAIL PARTIES AND ATTENDING TOP 7ELSH RUGBY MATCHES AS PART OF THEIR HOSPITALITY BENEFITS IT HAS BEEN REVEALED Councillors have received gifts from the Welsh Rugby Union, the Football Association of Wales, the BBC and the Royal Mail among others, and the full details have now been published on the internet for taxpayers to see.

The declarations show that former council leader Russell Goodway and last year’s Lord Mayor Freda Salway have enjoyed corporate hospitality as guests of the Welsh Rugby Union at several matches in the Millennium Stadium.

Council leader Rodney Berman said: “Councillors are often invited to events as part of their important work of representing the council and the city of Cardiff. The hospitality registers have always been available to be publicly inspected. “But following a recent redesign of our website, it has been decided to place the registers on the website so members of the public can readily access the information.

One taxpayer commented: “I don’t think councillors should be getting freebies. It’s not part of their job and they should be looking after our city.�

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SHADOW -INISTER FOR (IGHER %DUCATION MET WITH #ARDIFF 3TUDENTS 5NION 0RESIDENT 0ETE 'OODMAN IN HIS ,ONDON OFFICE LAST WEEK Goodman, who was joined by two representatives from the University of Nottingham, met with the former shadow Minister for the Arts and spent 45 minutes debating student issues such as the assessment boycott and top-up fees.

Pete said: “Boris welcomed the oppor-

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tunity to talk to real student about these issues. “He’s used to dealing with ViceChancellors and the Russell and Aldwych groups, but at the meeting he got to hear how these issues affect real students. “After hearing what we had to say he promised to send written parliamentary questions to the prime minister about the issues.�

During the meeting Boris discussed his and the Conservative’s views on top-up fees and he told Pete how he would change the Aldwych group’s Letter to Tony asking the prime minister to keep the cap on fees.

0AY DEAL REJECTED AT GRASSROOTS Cardiff lecturers demand resignation of national executive in last week’s meeting 3TORY CONTINUED FROM FRONT Members were also upset that the offer agreed by national leaders did not include any catch-up element, despite a huge increase in higher education funding specifically aimed at improving pay.

CUCU member Todd Bailey added: “When you consider that public sector wages have increased by over 15 per cent in the last three years, you have to ask by what stretch of the imagination does a pay rise of 13 per cent over the next three years constitute a pay rise? “Lecturers are left demoralized, and this is bad news for future students as well as UK academia as a whole.�

A member of the local union executive, Terence Iles, added: “Colleagues are unanimous in saying this is ridiculous. I haven't heard anybody say it’s a good deal.�

Lecturers from around the UK have also been angered by the deal. “The pay deal accepted by Sally Hunt is an insult to all we have been fighting for over the past months, and she is clearly unfit to head our union,� said Dr Stannett, a lecturer in the department of computer science at Sheffield University. “I therefore call on my colleagues throughout the union to bring a motion of no confidence against her at the earliest

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#!2$)&& 5.)6%23)49 3 SCIENTIFIC PRESTIGE CONTINUES TO GROW AS YET ANOTHER ACADEMIC RECEIVES AN INTER NATIONAL AWARD THIS TIME FOR LINKING STRESS TO FERTILITY PROBLEMS Dr Jacky Boivin, a senior lecturer at the School of Psychology, has won this year’s award from the Society for Reproductive and Infant Psychology, an organisation that promotes the scientific study of human reproduction.

Her pioneering research has developed the concept that stress can have a considerable effect upon fertility in both sexes, contradicting previous work.

Dr Boivin has also advanced counselling services for couples having difficulties conceiving, while working to raise public awareness of fertility issues.

This award follows Professor John Pearce being made a Fellow of the Royal Society for his research into animal minds and the School of Psychology being granted ÂŁ1m by the Sir Jules Thorn Trust to continue research into childhood depression.

4(% #!2$)&& PROFESSOR WHO SURVIVED THE ,ONDON BOMBINGS HAS REVEALED HOW MEMORY LOSS AS A RESULT OF HIS INJURIES MADE HIM FORGET THAT HE HAD RECEIVED A a COMPENSATION CHEQUE Last month John Tulloch claimed that he received just ten pounds from the government for the injuries he suffered in the bombing at Edgware Road in July 2005.

But the professor has now said that he did receive a cheque from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority, although he described his pay out as, “still, rather little, rather late�.

He added: “Two weeks ago I became aware of significant memory lapses, probably a legacy of the head injury, which required clinical, psychological and neurological tests. “I have been paid a small amount (ÂŁ2,500) of interim compensation and then somehow forgot either receiving or banking the cheque – one of the memory lapses I’ve mentioned.â€?

Tulloch, who is a media lecturer and is

releasing a book titled One Day In July: Experiencing 7/7 later this month, has demanded a full independent inquiry into the events.

Tulloch has also attacked Tony Blair as a leader ‘deplored’ by a ‘huge part of Britain’, and said the prime minister is

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‘obsessed with his legacy’.

Prof Tulloch, who was on his way back to Cardiff when he was caught up in the bombings, was three feet from where the suicide bomber detonated the bomb, leaving him with shrapnel injuries, concussion, loss of hearing and severe vertigo.

possible opportunity.�

Pete Goodman, Cardiff Students’ Union President, is sympathetic to Cardiff lecturers.

He said: “I am not surprised that the UCU have voiced their opposition to the national settlement. “However, I hope that when the ballot arrives the lecturers vote to stop the action, commence marking papers and look to the review of Higher Education pay to further resolve their issues rather than continue to detrimentally affect Cardiff students.�

The decision to suspend industrial strike action was reached after the UCU agreed to a pay rise of 10.37 per cent over 22 months, plus at least 2.5 per cent in the next year during negotiations with employers earlier this week.

Last week the union turned down a 13.1 per cent offer and insisted that the deal had to include the repayment of wages deducted from staff taking part in the boycott.

The National Union of Students President Kat Fletcher said: “This has been an extremely difficult time for students, who have experienced serious disruption as a result of the dispute. “However, [the] decision to put the revised offer to the membership finally brakes the deadlock that has been so frustrating for students.�

%XTRA TICKETS FOR GRADUATION ! (/4,).% ALLOWING GRADUANDS TO REQUEST SPARE TICKETS FOR GRADUATION AWARD CEREMONIES HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED FOLLOWING A BACKLASH OVER THE NEW TICKET RULES The University will now be allocating the extra tickets on a first-come, firstserved basis to students via the new hotline. Phone lines will be open from 10am to 4pm on Wednesday 14 and Thursday 15 June.

Graduands will be able to obtain a maximum of two extra tickets.

This announcement marks a U-turn from the University’s new policy of only making additional tickets available on the day of the ceremony. The University had previously defended the change, saying that the old policy raised false expectations that could not be accommodated.

The new policy angered students who had expected to be able to invite extended family and friends to their graduation. In previous years, students were able to apply for extra tickets in advance.

Graduands were informed of the change by the University’s graduation team via email, and further information about the ticket hotline will be available on the University’s website shortly.

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9OUR LIFE IN THEIR HANDS

As the streets of Cardiff become littered by end-of-term clearouts, gair rhydd investigates how easily students are putting their identities at risk 4(/53!.$3 /& #ARDIFF STUDENTS ARE PUTTING THEMSELVES AT RISK OF BECOM ING VICTIMS OF IDENTITY THEFT GAIR RHYDD CAN REVEAL By not destroying personal information, failing to redirect mail to new addresses and having their mail accessed by others in halls of residences, students risk having their personal details accessed and used in what latest figures reveal to be one of the UK’s fastest-growing crimes.

In just one afternoon of searching student areas Cathays and Roath, gair rhydd found enough documents containing personal information for a fraudster to impersonate ten different identities.

Letters from banks, tax information and utility bills were among those not disposed of properly and displayed vital information including bank details, customer account information and National Insurance numbers.

In possession of such documents a thief could be able to use statements as ID in a bank or building society and use utility bills in order to get a mobile phone contract in someone else’s name.

Statements showing bank details also provide easy access to a student’s account and allow thieves to gain valuable information on who they bank with, what direct debits they have and recent transactions.

PC Robert Keohane, Student Liaison Officer for Cardiff, highlighted the potential risks of someone getting hold of such personal information. “With someone’s bank information you could probably apply for a credit card,� he said. “The worst case scenario is that if someone gets hold of your bank details they could obviously use it to gain employment, and certainly run up a load of bills in your name.�

It has even been proven that, with a bank statement or a credit card slip, a fraudster can send off for someone’s birth certificate or driving licence.

Once a birth certificate is obtained, the fraudster has access to details such as the person’s mother’s maiden name, which can subsequently be used to help apply for a passport.

Letters found strewn around student residences included two from the Inland Revenue – revealing addresses, National Insurance numbers, and tax codes and references – that could be used to enquire about information on tax payments and someone’s wages.

“We get loads of mail for the wrong people. Mostly it’s unpaid NTL bills and credit card stuff �

Others included a form from First Direct offering an upgrade on a student’s bank account, an NTL bill featuring an account summary and even a sheet of paper with handwritten notes on a tenancy agreement and money plans.

Even information that may appear harmless – such as National Insurance

0(/4/ *AMES 0EROU

"Y #HARISSA #OULTHARD .EWS %DITOR

%NOUGH PERSONAL DOCUMENTS WERE FOUND IN #ATHAYS AND 2OATH FOR A FRAUDSTER TO STEAL TEN STUDENTS IDENTITIES numbers and student course details – is stressed to be potentially dangerous if left lying around. “It certainly gives you a start,� warns PC Keohane. “I mean, if an asylum seeker got hold of your National Insurance number and address it’s a start, isn’t it?

Immediately they have a status.�

With exams finishing and students changing accommodation, such information is being disposed of carelessly, with some students dumping their coursework and study material in the streets or on top of bins.

One document found metres away from discarded exam papers revealed a student’s name, course details, personal details including date of birth and addresses in both Cardiff and overseas – all valuable information for an identity fraudster.

PC Keohane advises: “I’d make sure that you rip up all bank statements and anything with personal details on them, preferably with a shredder.�

Failure to do so makes it easier for binned documents to be recollected, but is not the only way to prevent putting personal details at risk.

Having an average of three different

GAIR RHYDD S INVESTIGATIONS UNCOVERED PERSONAL DETAILS LITTERING THE STREETS

addresses during their time at university, students often move without redirecting their mail to their new address.

This means that most houses end up receiving reams of bills, statements and other documents on a daily basis that, if collected, can reveal valuable personal information about previous tenants.

“Identity fraud is a silent, almost invisible crime.

Most people won’t realise they have been a victim for up to a year�

Kirsty Pavey, a final year law and criminology student claimed: “We are always getting mail for our house but not for people currently living there.�

Similarly, third year business student Amy Kilford said: “We get loads of mail for the wrong people. Mostly it’s unpaid NTL bills and credit card stuff.�

Second year English literature student Sally Airey added: “We’re always getting mail for the wrong people. Most of it’s charity stuff but you do get credit card and bank letters.�

Also at risk are students having their mail exposed in university halls of residences.

In the majority of first year halls at Cardiff University, a mail box is shared by a number of students meaning everyone has a key to access others’ mail.

In Tower, University Hall, 85 students own a key for the same mailbox located on the ground floor.

Speaking on the dangers of such a group mail system, PC Keohane said: “It might be worth them looking into having a system where important documents like new bank cards aren’t delivered in a group mailbox.�

When questioned on such risks, a University spokesperson responded:

“Residences differ slightly but the basic mail delivery system is one lockable mail box shared by a group of students. “We have actually updated from open pigeon holes to lockable boxes across a number of sites. “The system in halls is specific because of a number of factors. Royal Mail would not be willing to deliver to individual flats and rooms, and for reasons of security we would not allow a postman to enter all areas of halls that would be required for personal delivery.�

In such circumstances where everyone has access to each other’s mail, the Home Office recommends arranging with your bank or credit card company to collect valuable items such as cheque books from local branches rather than having them sent.

They also recommend notifying Royal Mail to redirect post to a new address for at least a year.

It is also advised to cancel lost or stolen cards immediately and to keep a note of emergency numbers to call. Unwanted documents should be destroyed – preferably with a shredder – and statements should be checked for unfamiliar transactions.

The Home Office also warns: “Having your identity stolen may make it become difficult to get loans, credit cards and other contracts until it is sorted out.�

Students are becoming more at risk as they are carelessly exposing personal information during end of term clear-outs, house hunting and job searching. “You especially have to be careful with going on the Internet,� said PC Keohane. “Giving out credit card details and personal details has massive implications.

Places like eBay, for instance.�

Constable Jeff Richards, of the crime department unit at Swansea police, also warns students of such risks. “If you are going to use auction sites on the Internet, fraudsters will try to get you away from the normal purchasing recommendations and ask for a cash transaction or a cheque,� he said. “Don’t fall into that trap.�

But despite its increasing risks, PC Keohane states that identity theft is still a relatively undetected crime, with people tending to not come forward.

Statistically, less than one per cent of cases are actually investigated by the police. “It’s one of those things that the police don’t receive as many complaints about,� he said. “People tend to report it to their bank or card company rather then the police. “The banks tend to deal with it internally, as they don’t want the negative publicity. “But credit card fraud and all the rest of it – it’s absolutely massive.�

Even information that appears harmless is stressed to be potentially dangerous if left lying around Neil Munroe, external affairs director at credit-reference agency Equifax, was also keen to emphasise such dangers. He said: “The worst thing is, identity fraud is a silent, almost invisible crime. “Most people won’t realise they have been a victim for up to a year. “Apart from the anxiety and stress caused to victims of ID fraud, it can take up to 300 hours of phone calls to deal with banks, credit card companies and other lenders. “This incurs enormous personal time, effort and cost to the victim, so prevention is definitely better than cure.�

The University has stressed that it is there for students who fear they may be at risk.

A spokesperson said: “We are happy to offer any help to raise awareness of identity theft among students.�

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#HINESE DAM BLASTED

Three Gorges takes the strain as engineers blow protective dam and $100 billion project moves step closer to completion

gairrhydd #/-

2ENEWED HOPE FOR 3OMALIA "Y (ELEN 4HOMPSON $EPUTY .EWS %DITOR

$!- #LOSE TO COMPLETION

"Y $AN 2IDLER .EWS %DITOR #().! -/6%$ ANOTHER STEP CLOSER TO COMPLETING THE CONTROVERSIAL 4HREE 'ORGES HYDRO ELECTRIC PROJECT WHEN THEY DESTROYED THE TEMPORARY BARRIER BEHIND THE MAIN DAM The barrier, known as a ‘cofferdam’, was used to contain the Yangtze River on which the Three Gorges Dam was built while construction was underway.

Construction on the 1.4 mile long dam itself was completed on May 20 and

Chinese officials and explosives experts oversaw the destruction of the cofferdam with 191 tons of underwater explosives, enough to topple 400 ten-storey buildings.

Despite the amount of explosives used, Chinese experts are adamant that there is no geological damage below the site.

The project, the unofficial cost of which environmentalists estimate has soared to around $100 billion, is expected to be operational by 2009, when it is hoped the hydro-electric generators will produce up to three per cent of China’s power.

It will be the largest hydro-electric dam

in the world - over five times as large as the Hoover Dam in the USA - with a capacity of over 18,000 megawatts.

The Three Gorges Dam has caused a storm of controversy since its inception, with one million people displaced from their homes to make way for the 660kmlong reservoir behind the dam.

The people have been relocated to new, modern towns specifically designed for the purpose, and while many are happy to have modern amenities. Some miss their old homes which are submerged by the reservoir.

There are also concerns for several species of fish which live in the river, due to the destruction of their natural habitat.

Archaeological relics are also being moved from the gorges, although some pieces of historical value will be submerged as they are too large or inconvenient to move.

The Three Gorges area will be fundamentally changed by the reservoir and the environmental impact is yet to be seen.

There is also a concern that the river could silt up the generators, reducing their effeciency.

%ARTHQUAKE ROCKS )NDONESIA 3NAKE CHARMER

Indian woman ‘marries’ snake "Y *ANE 4USCANY 2EPORTER ! 7/-!. &2/- THE STATE OF /RISSA

%ASTERN )NDIA HAS FALLEN IN LOVE AND MARRIED A +ING #OBRA ACCORDING TO THE 0RESS 4RUST OF )NDIA 2,000 guests are reported to have watched priests chant sacred mantras to seal the Hindu marital ceremony between Bimbala Das and the largest, most venomous snake in the world.

However the ‘groom’, having seemingly got ‘cold scales’ on the day, failed to surface from the ant hill where it lives, and was represented by a brass replica. “Though snakes cannot speak nor understand, we communicate in a peculiar way,� said Das, 30, who believes that the reptile aided her recovery through illness. “I always get to see it every time I go near the ant hill. It has never harmed me,� she added.

Das is a member of the Vaishnav sect, a group that promotes vegetarianism and a religious reverence of animals. Local elders can permit inter-species marriage and, earlier this year, a girl from a tribe of the same region was married off to a dog.

"Y !DAM -ILLWARD $EPUTY .EWS %DITOR 47/ 7%%+3 !&4%2 AN EARTHQUAKE MEASURING ON THE 2ICHTER SCALE STRUCK )NDONESIA THE DEATH TOLL HAS REACHED OVER

WHILE THOUSANDS MORE HAVE SUSTAINED SERIOUS INJURIES AND LOST THEIR HOMES The earthquake hit early on Saturday May 29 and the area to suffer the worst was the southern coast of Indonesia’s largest island, Java. The region is near Mount Merapi, Java’s most active volcano, which has been spewing ash and lava for a number of weeks and seismologists fear may still pose a hazard.

Believed by many locals to be a warning from God, some villagers have performed religious rituals to ward off an eruption.

Yogyakarta, the former capital - known as a cultural Mecca of Indonesia - was the city worst affected by the earthquake, but it was the more isolated villages in the region that had few, if any, medical resources, which were aid workers’ initial concern.

In the early stages, aid was slow to arrive due to the poor transport system and widespread destruction.

Although the clear-up operation is now making progress, the UN insists that relieving hospitals of patients and providing medical supplies remains a high priority.

Charlie Higgins, the humanitarian coordinator, said: “Most of the hospitals are functioning, but are overloaded. There is a lack of space in the hospitals. “It’s getting out the basic medical sup-

plies to the hospitals that is important.�

However, the UN has stated that a full recovery programme will span at least six months and cost up to $100m (ÂŁ78m), half of which would be spent on new housing.

This natural disaster follows the devastating tsunami of December 2004, which claimed hundreds of thousands of lives, and an approximately 8.5 magnitude quake that occurred off Sumatra in March 2005.

The hundreds of islands that make up Indonesia sit upon the seam of two tectonic plates - the Australian and Indian plates - making it a volatile location.

Since the tsunami, a number of scientists have attempted to develop a more

$%342/9%$ 4HOUSANDS OF LIVES RUINED

effective early detection system.

Although considerable headway has been made, a survey carried out by the US Geological Society (USGS) - which reports that there were 90,000 earthquake casualties worldwide in 2005 - suggests a solution needs to be reached and implemented soon.

Kerry Sieh, a Professor of Geology at the Californian Institute of Technology, recommends: “For most‌ (danger) zones, a $1m Global Positioning System would be adequate. “This is a small price to pay to assess the level of hazard and to monitor subduction zones with the potential to produce [another] calamity.â€?

4(% 2%#%.4 BLOODSHED IN 3OMALIA HAS POSSIBLY COME TO AN END AS )SLAMIST MILITIAS SEIZED CONTROL OVER THE COUNTRY S CAPITAL -OGADISHU

LAST -ONDAY The Union of Islamic Courts declared that the reign of the warlords, who have fought for power since the fall of dictator Siad Barre in 1991, is over in Mogadishu.

It is reported that nine of the 11 ruling warlords have left Mogadishu, and that the Islamic Courts are in talks with the remaining fighters. The Union of Islamic Courts has pledged to ‘fully implement peace and security’.

Fighting flared earlier in the year, when the warlords, who had previously divided Mogadishu into fiefdoms, united to form the Anti-Terrorism Alliance, and accused the Islamic Courts of harbouring al-Qaeda militants.

A ceasefire declared on May 14 was broken after only ten days, giving way to yet more gun battles between the opponents.

Somalia has this year experienced its worst internal conflict in a decade, with around 330 killed and 1,500 injured in the crossfire.

Somalia has been in a perpetual state of lawlessness and clan warfare without an effective government for 15 years.

The Islamic Courts were set up as a grassroots movement by businessmen in an attempt to install law and order into a city that has no official police force or judicial system.

Rivalries between Somalia’s six major clans were inflamed during the rule of President Barre, as he sought to distract attention from the increasing unpopularity of his regime. This led to an unprecedented outbreak of intertribal conflict that resulted in sustained civil war.

Many of those killed in the fighting have been civilians. As a result, thousands flee the country each year. In 2004, Somalia was the second largest source of refugees settling in the UK, with an approximate 400,000 Somali refugees worldwide. It is hoped that peace may stem the flow of asylum seekers, and even encourage some to return to their homeland.

Ibrahim Harbi from Cardiff’s Somali Integration Society (SIS), claimed that it is too dangerous to send those who fail to achieve refugee status back to Somalia. “When the British government tried to send people back, some were killed,� he said. “The British must therefore be very careful about sending unsuccessful applicants back, as it is a considerable threat to their lives.�

Cardiff is home to the largest and oldest Somali population in the UK. The community was founded by Somali sailors who came to Cardiff as migrant workers at the end of the 19th Century.

The first Somali asylum seekers arrived in the UK in 1988, when the civil war began.

Mr Harbi said that many of the refugees today are from the more unstable southern regions of Somalia. “Many are from minority clans which do not have arms with which to fight.�

He added that Cardiff is ‘a peaceful city for refugees’ due to its cosmopolitan nature. “Trouble only comes when incidents such as 7/7 happen, and ignorant people are unable to distinguish between terrorists and refugees,� he said. “All become targets at such times, and refugees pay the highest price, as they are most vulnerable.�

There are several projects operating in Cardiff to help with the integration of Somali refugees. The SIS acts as a bridge between surface providers such as the NHS, and the refugees, focusing on the main areas of health, employment and community.

Mr Harbi stressed that the Somali population has already ‘done much for Cardiff�. “They helped build Cardiff in the 1920s, when the city needed migrant workers,� he said. “They have contributed economically and culturally, enhancing the cosmopolitan feel of the city.�

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3#)%.#% %.6)2/.-%.4

4HE FUTURE FACE OF THE 5+

As our world continues to change Science & Environment use recent predictions to shape future Britain 4(% $2!-!4)# INCREASE IN DEVELOP MENT IN THE -IDLANDS HAS RESULTED IN AN UNPRECEDENTED DEMAND FOR AGGREGATES As a result, some hills in Scotland have now completely disappeared, having been shipped on supertankers to the Midlands for use in construction.

Whilst there has been some opposition to the quarrying, the lack of a significant local population has fueled the belief that

this is one of the most practical ways to obtain building materials, with negligible transport costs.

There has been little population increase in the area over the last 100 years, as the indigenous population is declining, but many people continue to migrate to Britain from the lower-lying EU countries.

This has, in turn, led to an increase in younger workers, demanding good quality affordable housing.

4%-0%2!452%3 (!6% RISEN BY THREE OR FOUR DEGREES IN )RELAND #OUPLED WITH HEAVY RAINFALL THIS HAS LED TO AN INCREASINGLY HUMID CLIMATE AND HAS MEANT AN INCREASE IN THE DIVERSITY OF PLANT AND ANIMAL SPECIES NOW NATIVE TO THE COUNTRY 4HE 7EST COAST OF )RELAND HOWEVER

IS UNDER A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ATTACK FROM SAVAGE NORTH EAST !TLANTIC STORMS AND CONTINUES TO ERODE 'EOLOGISTS PREDICT THAT EVENTUALLY )RELAND WILL BECOME A SERIES OF SMALLER ISLANDS AND WILL THEREFORE LEAVE THE 5+ MAINLAND OPEN TO ATTACK FROM THE !TLANTIC SWELLS

47/ .5#,%!2 FUSION REACTORS ARE NOW IN OPERATION WHICH WERE COMMIS SIONED FOLLOWING INTENSE PUBLIC DEBATE /NE OF THE PLANTS IS LOCATED IN 3ELLAFIELD AND ANOTHER JUST OUTSIDE %DINBURGH 7HILST THE ELECTRICITY THEY PROVIDE IS VERY CHEAP THE CONSTANT NEED TO SERV ICE THE FACILITIES IS QUITE EXPENSIVE )T IS GENERALLY AGREED HOWEVER THAT

THEY ARE MUCH MORE EFFICIENT AND HAVE A BETTER SAFETY RECORD THAN THE NOW DEFUNCT NUCLEAR FISSION POWERSTATIONS OF OLD $ESPITE THIS THE NUCLEAR FUSION REAC TORS THEMSELVES MAY SOON BE DECOM MISSIONED AS THE WORLD WATCHES WITH INTEREST THE FIRST ATTEMPTS TO TRANSFER SOLAR ENERGY FROM SPACE VIA AN ORBITAL TETHER

4(% -)$,!.$3 HAVE BECOME A SIN GLE @MEGACITY 4ELFORD TO ,EICESTER AND AS FAR NORTH AS .OTTINGHAM AND $ERBY HAVE BEEN ENGULFED AS CHEAP ER HOUSING PLENTIFUL WATER SUPPLY AND INFRASTRUCTURE ENTICED PEOPLE TO THE REGION (OWEVER THE RAPID GROWTH HAS FORCED THE GOVERNMENT TO CURB ANY FURTHER DEVELOPMENT DUE TO PRES SURE ON RESOURCES 7ITH MUCH OF THE INNER CITY NOW REDEVELOPED WITH THE AIM OF PRO VIDING MAXIMUM LIVING SPACE

THERE ARE NOW VERY FEW DERELICT BUILDINGS EVEN IN THE MOST DEPRIVED AREAS

4(% %!34 COAST OF %NGLAND IS SEVERE LY ERODED DUE TO RISES IN SEA LEVEL AND INCREASED STORM SURGE ACTIVITY -ANY SEASIDE TOWNS NO LONGER EXIST

AND A LAW HAS BEEN PASSED BANNING ANY NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS WITHIN MILES OF THE COAST #OASTAL DEFENCES SUCH AS SEA WALLS ARE FOUND ONLY TO BE USEFUL FOR AN AVERAGE OF FIFTY YEARS BEFORE SUC CUMBING TO POWERFUL STORM SURGES -ORE SOFT ENGINEERING TECHNIQUES HAVE BEEN DEVELOPED AND HUGE EXPANSES OF MARSHLAND HAVE BEEN CRE ATED TO STABILISE THE MOVEMENT OF WATER ALONG THE COASTLINE %842%-% -%,4).' OF THE BY NOW EXTINCT !RCTIC ICE HAS LED TO A HUGE GLOBAL SEA LEVEL RISE 4HE LOWER LYING COUNTIES ARE STILL SINKING AS A RESULT OF THE LAST )CE !GE AND HAVE BEEN INUNDATED WITH SEA WATER 0ARTS OF +ENT HAVE DISAPPEARED AND THE 4HAMES VALLEY HAS INCREASED IN SIZE RESULTING IN ,ONDON EXPANDING IN A NORTH EASTERLY DIRECTION AND BUILDING NEW DEFENCES AGAINST THE 2IVER 4HAMES %FFORTS WERE MADE TO DEFEND THE #ITY OF 7ESTMINSTER AGAINST THE RISING TIDES FOR MANY DECADES BUT EVENTUALLY MANY HISTORICAL BUILDINGS HAD TO BE REMOVED BRICK BY BRICK AND REBUILT FURTHER TO THE WEST 4HE SUDDEN CHANGES IN SEA LEVEL HAVE RESULTED IN MANY UNDERGROUND SOURCES OF DRINKING WATER ALONG THE SOUTH EAST COAST BECOMING CONTAMI NATED WITH SALT WATER

4(% 3%! LEVEL RISE HAS SHRUNK THE 7ELSH COAST LINE CONSIDERABLY EXCEPT IN THE AREAS PROTECTED BY THE 3EVERN "ARRAGE 4HE "ARRAGE WAS ORIGINAL LY BUILT TO PROVIDE ELECTRICITY THROUGH TIDAL POWER AND TO PREVENT STORM SURGES FLOOD ING THE LOWER LYING AREAS OF THE 3EVERN %STUARY !S A RESULT THERE HAVE BEEN NUMEROUS NEW HOUS ING DEVELOPMENTS ON THE PREVIOUSLY UNUSABLE LAND 4HIS HAS BEEN VITAL IN MEETING THE DEMAND FOR NEW HOUSES WHICH COMPLY WITH MODERN REQUIREMENTS

AS IT COSTS MORE TO HAVE OLDER BUILDS FITTED WITH WATER RECYCLING FACILITIES %842%-% 7%!4(%2 EVENTS HAVE INCREASED DRAMATICALLY ACROSS "RITAIN AND THE SOUTH WEST COAST HAS FOUND ITSELF ON THE FRONT LINE OF THE WEATHER ATTACKS .OT MUCH EROSION HAS TAKEN PLACE

HOWEVER THANKS MAINLY TO THE HARDY NATURE OF THE LOCAL GEOLOGY !LL NEW BUILDINGS IN THE AREA ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE SUBSTANTIALLY REIN FORCED FOUNDATIONS AND ARE ELIGIBLE TO

RECEIVE A GOVERNMENT SUBSIDY IF A HUR RICANE SHELTER IS BUILT &REQUENT HEAVY DOWNPOURS RESULT IN WIDESPREAD FLOODING OF SMALL VALLEYS ON REGULAR OCCASIONS SIMILAR TO THE RECENT EVENTS IN "OSCASTLE 4HESE VALLEYS ARE NOW NO LONGER PERMANENTLY OCCUPIED 4HE ENVIRONMENT OF THE REGION HAS MEANT IT IS NOW THE PERFECT PLACE FOR SCIENTISTS TO ANALYSE THE ONGOING EFFECTS OF CLIMATE CHANGE

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4(% 3/54( EAST OF %NGLAND HAS DEVELOPED A MORE ARID -EDITERRANEAN CLIMATE AND AS A RESULT THERE ARE NOW ACRES OF VINEYARDS SELLING COM PETITIVELY PRICED WINE TO THE WORLD 4HERE HAVE BEEN EXTENSIVE NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS IN THE REGION

WHICH RE USE ALL WATER TWICE AS GARDEN AND TOILET WATER BEFORE IT IS FLUSHED INTO THE DRAINS 4HE DEMAND FOR WATER IN THE REGION HAS LED TO EXTREME MEASURES SUCH AS PUMPING WATER FROM THE CHANNEL INTO SALINE TREATMENT PLANTS 7HILE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR THIS HAS GREATLY IMPROVED IT IS STILL VERY EXPEN SIVE AND THEREFORE WATER RATES IN THE AREA ARE MUCH HIGHER THAN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY

!3 4(% WORLD S OCEANS NOW COVER MORE SURFACE AREA THAN AT ANY PERIOD BEFORE IN RECENT HISTORY THE SEAS HAVE BECOME THE MOST VALUABLE COMMODITY IN TERMS OF RESOURCES -ANY FISH SPECIES SUCH AS COD AND HERRING ARE NOW BRED IN CAPTIVITY AS WILD STOCKS BECAME EXTINCT OVER YEARS AGO -ANY SHELTERED INLETS AROUND "RITAIN NOW CONTAIN FISH FARMS AND ALSO ALGAE FARMS WHICH IS EATEN BY VEGETARIANS AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO MEAT 4HE ALGAE IS HIGH IN ESSENTIAL PRO TEINS HIGHER IN FACT THAN ANY OTHER NATURALLY OCCURING FOODSTUFF ON %ARTH

Know what we think?

Log on to the gair rhydd website and have a read of the Editors’ blog. www.gairrhydd.com/blog

gairrhydd

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9OU CAN CALL ME .EIL

A reformist Labour leader and now a vocal life peer, gair rhydd talks to former Students’ Union President and current Univeristy President ,ORD +INNOCK

)

N TODAY S 7ESTMINSTER @ELDER STATESMAN IS AN AMBIGUOUS LABEL /NCE A MARK OF RESPECT IT HAS COME UNDER THREAT FROM THE BOYISH ZEAL OF THIS ERA S TRENDY POLITICIANS "UT AS ) SAT DOWN TO COFFEE IN AN UNASSUMING )TALIAN CAFÂŁ JUST OFF 0ARLIAMENT 3QUARE ) SOON REALISED THAT THE FORMER ,ABOUR LEADER OPPO SITE ME HAD FOUND HIMSELF A HAPPY MEDIUM. Halfway through discussing investment in higher education, Lord Kinnock spotted another regular a few tables down. Without formality, Jools Holland came up to our seats, and by the time I had overcome my surprise the two had exchanged pleasantries and parted company. Any notion I held that parliamentary peers were somehow detached from the generations beneath them vanished as Jools left to hail a taxi.

I had found out earlier that he wasn’t even comfortable with his title. Having addressed him ‘correctly’, Lord Kinnock replied by correcting me, “it’s much better if we don’t do the Lord thing; it makes me feel like an ancient man.� ‘Neil’ it was, then.

As President of Cardiff University, Kinnock gave me his take on the recent dispute over lecturers’ pay. “Well, first thing is I don’t think university lecturers get the proper recognition. Happily, in Cardiff the programme of disruption is not having, and won’t have, great effect.�

Having spoken to several lecturers recently, he conveyed their dilemma. “The lecturers recognise the critical significance obviously, and want to prosecute their case effectively, but without inflicting harm upon the people they’ve been teaching. “I hope that we can reach a satisfactory resolution. I also hope that out of it will come a broader recognition of the significance of university lecturers, and the need to appreciate that significance in material terms - that is through pay and security.�

I asked him whether he foresaw lasting damage being done to the university system. “Well, if we went into perpetual dispute obviously the effect on higher education would be extremely damaging. I don’t think that’s what’s going to occur, partly because of the degree of responsibility that lecturers show, but also, if you like, the real mutual appreciation that exists between teachers and the taught. “The basic problem is that the universities are far from over-indulged with resources, and even the change in fee structures that took place doesn’t mean that there are bundles of fresh swag.�

Considering this, did he think that fresh financial ‘swag’ alone would solve decades of underinvestment? “No, I don’t think so. You look at Cardiff now; the extent of the investment taking place in just about every sense, right across the board. Yes, we are thriving; yes, we are maintaining a very substantial investment program; and yes, that’s got to be painful. “Of course, you can’t afford to give secondary status to the absolutely core obligations of teaching and research; it’s an immensely complex requirement of getting the balance right.�

In addition to his Cardiff position, Lord Kinnock is also Chair of the British Council, which promotes equal opportunities and diversity. I suggested that universities were over-reliant on revenue from overseas students. “Well, there’s certainly a danger of that; happily it’s not one that affects Cardiff. I do recognise why some universities have become much more heavily reliant on the overseas students. “It’s to do with pressures on other sources of income, so that we’ve had universities – and again I’m glad that Cardiff is not included in this number, who are caught between the twin pressures of hav-

7ITH THE %UROPEAN #OMMISSION

+INNOCK CONTINUED HIS DISTINCTIVE STYLE OF ORATION

“The Conservative maxim appears to be hot topics rather than hard choices�

“When I examine the situation in Cardiff I heave a sigh of relief �

ing to make greater provision, and not having a flow of income that matches that need, and therefore using overseas students to help fill the gap. “I think that’s a development that can introduce a degree of fragility. You’ll understand that when I examine the situation in Cardiff I heave a sigh of relief.�

Of course, the cost of student visas was doubled not long ago. I asked him what Britain could do to secure its share of overseas students. “First of all, let me just say that regrettable though the increases in visa prices are, they are not a significant deterrent to applications. “The increase in visa price was directly related to administrative obligations and has got nothing to do with the strength of the welcome. [Regarding] the overseas student market, it’s become a lot tighter in recent years. “The Americans, who hugely tightened up their admission requirements after 9/11, have now started to relax, so they’re back in play. And countries like Singapore, Malaysia, New Zealand and Australia are putting a huge effort into attracting overseas students. “It’s one of the reasons that I worked very hard last year for the continuation of the Prime Minister’s Initiative. Happily, that programme has now been resumed with a better budget, which will involve around ÂŁ25 million over four to five years, a third of which will come from the government, and more than a third will come from the British Council, and the rest will come from the institutions. “Now, that is for the purpose of promotion of the United Kingdom as a higher education destination. And the first PMI was a huge success; the target set was for 50,000 higher education and 25,000 further education student increase over five years; the targets were hit in four years. “Secondly, I very strongly persist in ensuring the quality of welcome. Cardiff has got a phenomenal record in this; the international development outfit that we’ve got is hugely successful, and what we’re trying to do is to set a sort of gold standard so that all universities can come up to it, and many do make a really good effort. “I think every student in Cardiff who encounters fellow students, teachers and researchers who’ve come here to learn and to research and teach understands their

massive value.�

With the turbulence in government lately, I felt compelled to learn his thoughts on Labour’s troubles. Did he feel current divisions would prove fatal? “No, I don’t. The major problem is the way in which divisions, no matter how sincere, communicate to the general public that the party has become introverted and is more concerned about political exchanges inside than the well being of the country outside. And parties thrive on the basis of impressions. “Now, in Labour there’s hardly anything that could be called doctrinaire division. What remain therefore are some personal antagonisms which mature human beings will resolve.�

I couldn’t resist a chuckle at what I took to be an allusion to Brown versus Blair.

Regarding ‘impressions’, I wondered whether Lord Kinnock thought the shift in PR that he contributed to as Labour leader had replaced substance in politics with spin. “Well there’s a danger of that. But it comes from those who actually brought spin into being and put such a categorical emphasis on image, and that’s your kind of professionals: the press. “A lot of them want the stories to be put in capsules so that they can be easily digested. And if the story isn’t presentable in that way, it either gets ignored, or partially used, or distorted. So, politicians decided that they would try to shape the stories about themselves in the most favourable way. “The general attitude now is that spin has replaced the substance. It’s not true, but again it’s a matter of impressions counting. “And I’d finger the leader of a particular phenomenon that really does rely on image and style, and in six months it’s got him a fair way, and that’s David Cameron.�

On that subject, did he think that Cameron’s Tories were mirroring Labour’s revival of the 90s? “No I don’t. The maxim appears to be hot topics rather than hard choices. But if what propels you in politics is a desire to serve the country now and deal with the current realities and plan effectively for the future, then you’ve got to take on that fight. And so far Mr Cameron’s made a virtue of avoiding it. “Now then, is the Conservative party

moving forward, having collapsed in on itself through a variety of failures and absurdities. It spent most of the last nine years in dispute with itself [‌] and with a sigh of relief has elected a leader whose image could be appealing. “The flaw in it all is that the tough decisions have either been postponed or pushed off the agenda. I think they’ll be found out because of that, because unless the changes are genuine and persisted with, you’ll be caught. And I think that the next year will show the degree to which the Conservatives are caught on their superficiality.â€?

Having been critical of the House of Lords for decades, I asked Lord Kinnock finally which of the issues that he had been privy to had been of the greatest significance. “It might come as some surprise that the most impressive debate was one that took place a couple of weeks ago on assisted dying for the terminally ill. “Here was a House by definition made up of people who are not young and have experience of dealing with trauma in their own communities and families, articulating rational views on a basic and tortuous question. Most of the speakers - not every single one but the overwhelming majority - contributed to the debate in a very articulate manner . “I think it’s impossible to replicate those features in every debate, but the more that those features are common in Parliamentary exchange the more people will redevelop the idea that politics is genuine, not the occupation of self-seekers.

The great majority of speakers on both sides showed passionate concern for their fellow human beings. I voted for it, and was on the losing side. But it’ll be back.�

As we motioned to leave our table, Lord Kinnock revealed one driving force behind his peerage. “The other great mission is to secure a House of Lords which is either wholly or partly elected, and I will celebrate without any restraints when I’m able to boot myself out of it!�

It seems that even one of the highest posts in British politics cannot shake the foundations of this elder statesman.

Making his way to a working lunch engagement, he told me how eating while not working wasted an unnecessary amount of time. Clearly, Lord Kinnock remains a man with unfinished business.

gairrhydd

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/LD BOYO NETWORK

3TORY UPDATE

First Minister 2HODRI -ORGAN talks to Politics about life in Cardiff Bay would ordinarily hear of (or, in this case, believe).

But it is difficult to separate whether what I’m listening to is Welsh bluster, or just a politician not answering the question. In some cases it seems clear that the question is just being avoided (see gair rhydd 806 ). A simple question on whether Mr Morgan agreed with calls to introduce a full-time scientific adviser was met with a five minute mini-speech on the virtues of IBM and Motorola. There never was an answer to the adviser question, just an admittance that they are “not fully exploiting the Welsh potential in science�.

Still, there is unlikely to be any major policy pushed through in the Assembly as long as Labour goes without the absolute majority it enjoyed for six years.

Many have scoffed at the suggestion by The First Minister and Secretary of State Peter Hain that any other party would be strong enough to take over, but Mr Morgan insists that “an anti-Labour coalition would be formed with the Tories in it�. Is there any chance of a return to the days when a Lib-Lab coalition ruled? “I don’t think they’d be interested and I don’t think we’d be interested,� he says.

There has instead been some pretty underhand legislating in the form of the Government of Wales Bill. Currently passing through the UK Parliament, it is the first extension of Assembly powers since it was first set up. The current Assembly structure has been criticised by the current presiding officer as being ‘horrendous time-wasting’, something the First Minister says has, “nothing to do with our side of the house, really. “We stay this side of the exhaustion, but only just. Ministers work every hour God made, and what the Assembly work is not a matter for us.�

Instead, the changes will leave potential AMs forced to choose between trying to join the Assembly through only one of the two routes that they can currently take - they can either be constituency AMs (like MPs), or ‘list’ AMs - a top-up system to ensure a fair representation of the vote.

Morgan is convinced there’s something wrong with the current system: “It’s deception on the electorate really. People who’ve been defeated in a constituency sometimes imply that they are the representatives of that constituency.� By complete coincidence, Labour will be major beneficiaries of the change in rules, which have also come under heavy fire by the Electoral Commission.

The UK Labour government has vowed to push the Bill through, despite heavy criticism from all sides.

I still can’t decide whether I was on the receiving end of politicking or just a blustering personality. In fairness, I did always sense a fair contempt for being there, and a large awareness that the First Minister knew he was doing us a favour by giving us an interview - you can’t say the same thing about a lot of image-conscious politicians.

0(/4/ *AMES 0EROU

)

T S BEEN SEVEN YEARS SINCE THE 7ELSH !SSEMBLY WAS INAUGURATED 4HROUGH VIRTUALLY ALL OF IT THE !SSEMBLY HAS BEEN HEADED BY 2HODRI -ORGAN A &IRST -INISTER WITH SOME THING OF A TWO SIDED REPUTATION To his supporters there is ‘clear red water’ between Cardiff Bay and Westminster, a professed Welsh policy style that shows this isn’t just New Labour rhetoric in action. To his detractors he’s under Number Tens’ thumb, running a district branch of national Labour government rather than leading a proud nation.

He certainly doesn’t do himself any favours, having a reputation for sitting on the fence on the big topics – just look at his non-committal stance on supporting Blair over Iraq. It looks like the biggest issue on campus today, the lecturers’ boycott, isn’t going to be any different. “It would be very unwise of me to take sides,� he says. “It would just be great for everyone to get around a table and thrash out a deal that is fair to everyone employers and employees.�

There’s something reassuringly Old School about Rhodri Morgan. There’s no attempt at a polished performance like there’s been for every other politician I’ve interviewed. Proper Old Labour; I get the impression I might get clipped around the ear at any moment.

And this has always been the inherent tension in his administration, balancing a pragmatic plan for Wales with what being a Labour government has to mean today.

He did try and bring in top-up fees for Welsh students last year, and was only blocked when the defection of the late Peter Law meant that he didn’t have the Assembly numbers to push it through.

For now it looks like Welsh top-up fees will be off the table. “We have no proposals to change the policy as we’ve only just brought it in,� he says. But this isn’t going to change the fact that his was the government that tried.

In place of top-up fees, the Government has been forced to pay the difference over and above the existing tuition fees. Still, the new policy has come under attack. “We’ve heard this criticism that in some ways what we’ve done, with us paying the lost income to Welsh universities for not having top-up fees, is against the interests of Welsh students as they’ll be financially induced to stay in Wales to do their higher education. “But what were we supposed to do? We can’t have the Welsh quote taxpayer unquote subsidising the English higher education system.�

The Welsh taxpayer paying for England? It’s not something that you

2(/$2) -/2'!.

0ROPER OLD ,ABOUR

In issue 806 we reported that the Assembly Government had announced they ‘expected’ Local Health Boards to fund Herceptin on the NHS for early stage breast cancer, despite the fact it has not yet met the necessary safety standards for its intended use, nor has the costly drug been properly costed. “I don’t think it was suggested that Herceptin is dangerous, was it?�

Despite the fact the drug still has an as-yet-to-disprove link to heart disease for its intended use, and that oft-quoted study on its effectiveness was funded by the drugs company (both facts that appeared to come as a surprise to the First Minister), the Government chose not to wait for advice from the NHS body for testing such matters, but pressured health boards anyway.

Does he think this, therefore, creates a dangerous precedent for the many, similar forthcoming drugs? “As a precedent, no I don’t think it’s dangerous, because Herceptin is entirely unique - well, it won’t be unique for very long - but it is a unique category as far as I’m aware, as it’s the first of what appears to be a family of very, very clever, smart drugs.�

Confused? Despite questioning the First Minister several times on the topic, the best he could muster was “they will either bankrupt every drug administration in the world, but nevertheless they will save thousands of lives, or they will have at least a moderate benefit in saving lives.�

If the clueless government don’t get a better idea of what they are doing soon, all that will be left is a bankrupt NHS. In issue 812, we reported on changes to arts funding in Wales. While the Government currently gives money to the Arts Council Wales to give out to arts institutions, under the ‘Bonfire of the Quangos’ the Government is going to start funding the ‘Big Six’ arts institutions directly. There has been a lot of criticism that it could potentially lead to censorship of the arts.

The First Minister was resolute on the idea that there is no potential conflict of interest in direct funding. “We said that we would resist any attempt to - what’s the word - censorship, or restricting the freedom of the arts community to experiment and occasionally to fail in experimenting. “Funding decisions will not be decided in that way.�

But even if that was true of the current government, what guarantee is there that a future government would do the same? Isn’t that exactly why there are institutional safeguards, like using the Arts Council to keep funding depoliticized? “Whether you do it indirectly through an Arts Council or whether you do it directly because the sums are big enough in regards the Big Six, then you might as well just get on with it.�

As it is, it has proven difficult to find people willing to speak out against the changes for fear of the Assembly. The changes have, if nothing else, created a legacy of stunted pluralism.

! 2ECYCLED 2EVOLUTION

Is New Conservatism just part of a Westminster on a systematic loop? Andrew Rennison writes

0

OLITICAL THEORY TODAY IS LIKE A SHARK SWORN TO MOVE FORWARD IN ORDER TO SURVIVE 0ROGRESSIVE POL ITICS ONCE MERELY THE ENLIGHTENED AVENUE HAS BECOME THE ONLY ELEC TABLE PATH FOR PARTIES TO TAKE !ND AT PRESENT THOUGH STRETCHING THE AQUAT IC ANALOGY A LITTLE FAR IT IS CLEAR THAT $AVID #AMERON IS THE *AWS OF 7ESTMINSTER The Tories’ mutation into the champions of progression is practically old news, and has had enough admiration to make the likes of Hague and Howard blush. No less clear is Cameron’s enthusiasm for such a label, with his recent speeches based on forward-thinking philosophy.

Only the freshest ingredients have been added to the Conservatives’ revitalised pot.

Going green on the environment, urging progressive employment practice, and stressing quality of life for every voter; these are the notions that have received the Tory limelight over the past month.

Just last week, shadow chancellor George Osborne stepped a yard further, bulldozing his party’s historically rigid tax

policy with a wrecking ball of progression.

Speaking in Manchester, Mr Osborne declared that immediate tax cuts, so long a cornerstone of Tory campaigning, were ‘very unlikely to be on offer’ under a new Conservative government.

Though this is a shift that has been steadily emerging since the leadership election, the revision of such a seasoned Tory component marks a change that goes beyond huskies and hybrid cars.

Critics have claimed that voters no longer know what the Conservatives stand for, and that Cameron lacks the policies to keep him so soundly afloat. But policy has little to do with it.

The Tories’ current ascension is down to the simple public appeal of the vibrant new against the crumbling old. They may have renounced tax cuts, but no actual strategy has been unveiled; it is the sheen of dynamic change that is important.

That a party so long in the doldrums can in six months achieve pollings unseen for 14 years is in part a testament to how a socially geared agenda, founded on image and untroubled by policy, can run rings

#!-%2/. (USKY

around a battle-weary government.

How remarkable, then, that Cameron and co have adopted this winning formula as their own. Except that it isn’t.

Here’s a snippet from a speech by a current party leader: “To be modern is to be green. It is about seeking new solutions to new environmental challenges. Not just so that future generations have a planet that is still inhabitable but so that all of us going about our lives can improve our quality of life.�

To the voter on the street with their head stuck firmly in 2006, this sort of progressive rationale would appear to be straight out of the Cameron textbook. In truth, it’s an excerpt from an address by Tony Blair, made in 1997.

A decade ago, the government was crumbling, the opposition was fresh, their leader was young, and the ‘thinking’ was also forward. The flowing locks and wellmoisturised skin of Cameron have hidden the simple fact that he and his New Conservatism are nothing but a recycled New Labour – an inevitable political reaction that will catch voters’ hearts without

requiring their heads.

Of course there are differences between the resurgent Labour of the 90s and the rejuvenated Tories of today. But the fundamental nature of the shift is largely the same. Though it is still relatively early days for Mr Cameron, it grows more likely by the day that he will fulfill this prophetic cycle in a few years’ time.

And if indeed he soon finds himself walking into Number Ten, he would be well-advised to glance over his shoulder at the party packing its bags.

Blair promised the earth, and hasn’t delivered, due in no small part to how difficult the targets of his social agenda have turned out to be. Cameron is promising the earth with a windfarm, and if he continues to prophesise a Britain in harmony under Tory rule, he will doom himself and his party to the same failure we are seeing now.

Progressive politics is in danger of mutating into a system that recycles by the decade. The voting public need to wake up and realise that what we may end up with in our House of Commons is a dead shark.

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'AMBLING WITH DEBT

Jobs & Money explore the rise in students turning to online gambling in order to escape their debts "Y .ICOLA -ENAGE *OBS -ONEY %DITOR

'

AMBLING IS NOTHING NEW %VER SINCE THE 2OMANS DECIDED TO CARVE NUMBERS INTO CUBES

@GAMES OF CHANCE HAVE BECOME ONE OF MANKIND S MOST LOVED DIVERSIONS And while gambling could once be classed as a vice, nowadays the stigma of gambling has almost altogether vanished, with people betting more freely and easily than ever before, not least due to the rise in, and easy access to, online services.

A recent study published in Britain suggested almost three quarters of the population engage in some form of gambling at some point during the year, handing the gaming industry an annual turnover of ÂŁ53 billion.

Online betting, the biggest growth area in gambling, also generates around $12 billion a year via the internet’s estimated 2,300 gaming sites.

There is now no need to traipse along to the local casino or bookmakers; betting can be done 24 hours a day from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

According to Gamcare, an advice charity for those addicted to gambling, the explosion of online gambling has created a rapid rise in the number of people contacting its online help forum.

Between July and September 2005 it had more than 7,500 visits. But in the three months that followed, the figure soared to 42,600, and then more than doubled to 89,400 in the early part of 2006.

The thrill of the possibility of winning, plus the private nature of online gambling is a dangerous recipe for addiction and debt. Anthony Jennens, chairman of Gamcare, stresses that it is the unregulated nature of online and mobile phone gaming services that pose the greatest threat. “This is the growth market where vulnerable people are falling into difficulties.�

Under the new Gaming Commission rules, for example, gambling web sites will have to train employees to spot possible problem gamblers and offer help and advice on their sites.

Online operators must also make sure customers are aware of how much time and money they have spent. But with many companies operating from offshore jurisdictions like Gibraltar, Cyprus, Antigua and Costa Rica, complete regulation is virtually impossible.

Gambling is known to hit the poor harder, and with the increasing rise in stu-

dent debts gambling can often seem like a quick fix for students, despite the often unfavorable odds of actually winning.

Journalist Neil Faulkner puts it this way: “There are no poor bookies. Bookies start with the expert knowledge of the ‘decision makers’ (or ‘odds setters’).

These people really know what they’re talking about. By themselves, they won’t set bookmakers apart from intelligent sports fans. That’s why bookies also spend a fortune compiling and analysing statistics to hone their predictions.�

He goes on to mention, “My old science teacher once used quantum mechanics to explain probability, the core maths of gambling. Needless to say it wasn’t the best (or simplest!) example. “However it should serve as a warning.

The gaming companies have highly paid mathematicians. Unless you, or your mate down the pub, understand quantum theory, you shouldn’t gamble. If you do understand quantum theory, you won’t gamble anyway.�

Jobs & Money spoke to a student who who still regularly bets on who will score first at football matches. We asked exactly how much he has lost and won in the past year. He replies: “I have won about a tenner at the bookies in the past. All in all, though, I must have bet around fifty pounds. I tend to win when I bet between my mates but not a lot with the bookies.�

When asked if he thinks there is skill involved in betting, however, he has no hesitations: “Definitely there is skill involved. You have to know the game well and judge for yourself what is most likely to happen.�

Despite pointing out that clearly he is out of pocket overall, he is quick to point out the positives of gambling: “It just makes the game that much more enjoyable to watch if there’s money riding on it. It’s fun, but I wouldn’t do it more than I could afford.�

Another Cardiff student Yasmin Labibi, however, has a very different view on gambling: “I recently met this guy who was bragging about how much he had spent at the casino but I really wasn’t impressed. I just thought he was an idiot. “He showed me his receipts and he was throwing away hundreds of pounds every week. It was ridiculous. I don’t agree with gambling at all; it can lead to addiction and debt, and people can lose their homes and their families because of it. It’s just not worth it if you ask me.�

The rise in the addiction of gambling can stem not only from the seeking of a ‘buzz’ or adrenaline rush, but from a desire to escape the real world.

Lecturers on strike?

Debate examine the case for and the case against the ongoing academic pay dispute.

Quench page 7.

345$%.4 $%"4 ! BAD HAND Escape gambling occurs when the gambler seeks to blot out feelings or emotional issues. Escape gamblers prefer more singular outlets such as slot machines, where they can avoid human contact.

Indeed there are now internet sites with entire virtual worlds where the inhabitor can purchase land and create entire civilizations. Think student favourite The Sims, but on a massive scale. ‘Second life’ is described on its website as being a 3-D virtual world entirely built and owned by its residents. It has a ‘fullyintegrated economy’ designed to ‘reward risk, innovation, and craftsmanship.’ Although the main online currency is Linden Dollars, this currency can actually be bought and sold on LindeX (Second life’s official currency exchange) or other third party sites for real currency.

It seems the best bet overall is to weigh up the pros and the cons, while sticking to life in the real world.

%XTRA TIME

NUS forced to extend card-ordering deadlines at institutions "Y 4OM 7ELLINGHAM %DITOR

4

HE HEAVILY CRITICISED .53 %XTRA CARD SCHEME SET TO BE ROLLED OUT NATIONALLY FROM THE START OF THE NEXT ACADEMIC YEAR RECENTLY SUFFERED A FURTHER SETBACK WHEN THE CARD ORDERING DEADLINE FOR PARTICIPATING STUDENTS UNIONS HAD TO BE EXTENDED TO *UNE After being passed at the recent NUS National Conference in Blackpool, the ‘new and improved’ card, which will cost students ten pounds, is set to replace the existing NUS card that allows students to gain discounts at many high street stores.

It also incorporates the ‘democracy card’, which will still be available on its own for free, although this will not allow students any high street discounts and will be used for student union membership as well as voting rights within the NUS. The much-hyped card scheme is being hailed as the solution to the NUS’s ongoing financial problems, which were brought to the public’s attention at the end of last year when the chair of the NUS Finance Committee, Sam Rozati, resigned, saying: “if the NUS continues as it is now, it will be bankrupt within 12 months�.

The financial problems are thought to stem from a downturn in revenue being generated by NUSSL, the commercial arm of the NUS, following a reduction in spending at individual member unions, leading to less demand for NUSSL products.

The NUS Extra card offers the National Union a chance to stabilise its financial position because of the way the card administration is structured. A percentage of the cost is retained by participating unions, who are required to purchase the required cards in advance; some is retained at a local level and a percentage is then returned to the NUS nationally.

However, it now appears that the financial burden of purchasing cards in advance, at a cost of six pounds per card, as well as setting up the administration facilities at a local level, is proving too much of an investment for some student unions, who are now coming to the end of their trading year.

With the sale of cards apparently not meeting the expectations of the NUS, and the deadline for ordering now being extended further into the summer, this will now place even greater pressure on the efficient administration of the already ambitious scheme.

gairrhydd

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'ET READY FOR FUN IN THE SUN

As the summer break approaches, Health looks at how to ensure you have fun in the sunhine

$RINKING DANGERS

"Y 6ANESSA 2OCHE (EALTH %DITOR

&

ESTIVALS YOU EITHER LOVE THEM OR YOU HATE THEM 4HE SUN THE PEO PLE THE BANDS BUT THERE S NOTH ING WORSE THAN GETTING ILL AND SPEND ING THE DAY COOPED UP IN A SWELTERING TENT WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS ALL THE FUN So, in order to keep youself firmly at the front of the crowd, be sure to take on board the following advice on how to keep healthy this festival season.

Whether you are going to Download or The Big Chill or, the ultimate student destination, the hallowed fields of Reading, follow these steps and you’ll make the most of your time in a tent.

Always keep yourself hydrated. Not drinking enough is seriously bad for you, whatever situation you’re in, this can be compounded when stuck outside in the sun all day, jumping around in crowds and running about looking for your friends.

Aim to drink at least two litres of fresh water a day. Bottled water may be expensive on site but it is essential that you maintain your water intake.

Alternatively, take a bottle with you and keep refilling it, but make sure that it is from a drinking water tap. And, unfortunately, beer does not count.

Drinking two litres of beer in that environment would be a very bad idea as you will only get more dehydrated and may have to listen to the headline band from the first aid tent, miles away from where the real action is.

All that drinking means that sooner or later you will have to make use of the onsite toilets. They are unpleasant but unavoidable so the best thing that you can do is try to touch as little as possible to avoid contact with germs and make sure that you have a packet of wet wipes in your pocket, to clean your hands with afterwards.

"Y ,AURA -URPHY $EPUTY (EALTH %DITOR

4

&ESTIVAL SPIRIT Eat. Not just burgers from questionable retailers but apples and other fruit and veg.

They will help you stay healthy and ready to rock all night long.

Wash. If you don’t attempt a full-on shower, at least have a go at the dirt with some cleansing wipes - all-purpose wipes will also be handy for cleaning minor cuts so it is strongly recommend that you take a packet with you. On a side note, if you are clean you are unlikely to look all greasy and are therefore more attractive.

Sunburn is also not a good look. Use a suntan lotion with at least an SPF15 to

ensure you don’t end the day looking like a strawberry.

The Royal National Institute for Deaf People (RNID) advise on taking a pair of reusable earplugs to protect your hearing.

The charity also says to stand away from loud speakers, and to take regular breaks from the music to give your ears a rest, in order to protect against potential hearing damage.

Taking a first aid kit with some paracetamol or aspirin with you is also a good idea. You never know what might happen to you or your friends so it is best to be

prepared.

If you think that you need proper medical attention make your way to the first aid tent, or if it is an emergency and you can’t get there, grab a steward.

It is always useful to keep the NHS Direct number handy (0845 4647).

Remember, as long as you keep yourself healthy, all you have to worry about is having fun. So whether you are rocking on or chilling out, you can and will have a safe, healthy and fantastic time.

What’s so good about the sun?- Page 22

/UTWARD BOUND

As students plan to travel this summer Health looks at how to stay safe "Y ,YDIA *AMES !DRIAN 2AUDASCHL (EALTH #ORRESPONDENTS

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ANY STUDENTS WILL SOON BE JET TING OFF TO COUNTRIES FAR AND WIDE IN ORDER TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME AWAY FROM THE TEXTBOOKS THIS SUMMER Amid all the fun and excitement of going abroad, it is important to remember that travelling can sometimes be a dangerous pursuit if you don’t take the right precautions.

However, take some time to read our handy steps on how to keep yourself out of trouble, so you can concentrate on having a summer full of fun.

Check that you are up to date with all your vaccinations and that you have the right ones for your destination - even if you are going away next week, having injections late is better than not having them at all.

Sun screen, sun hat, sun glasses, loose clothing, lots of water and common sense are the essentials when dealing with climates which are hotter than here in the UK. Do not be deceived by clouds or a breeze and be particularly careful if spending time at higher altitudes.

It would be a waste to go abroad and then not sample the culinary delights of your chosen country, but sometimes the risk of an upset stomach can outweigh the desire to experiment.

Therefore, if on holiday for only a week or two, it is best to avoid anything pre-

pared with tap water and foods sold by the roadside or on the beach as your immune system will not yet be at its strongest.

If you are in the country for longer than a short break, give stall foods a go – if it is popular with the locals, chances are this is for a good reason.

It goes without saying that sex, drugs and alcohol need to be treated with caution. Don’t forget to take condoms, and for girls, the morning-after pill can be difficult to obtain abroad so is worth packing too, if your local family planning clinic will allow it.

When back in the UK if you suddenly come down with an unexplained illness and need to go to see your GP, be sure to tell them where you have been, what you have been doing and whether you took, or are still taking, any medication.

If you develop a rash, lump or anything that looks suspicious, get it checked out.

While travelling, the trick is to blend in, keep out of areas where you are likely to become a target for robbery, stay alert, carry your valuables securely and keep an eye out for the quickest exit just in case.

Sexual harassment is also something to be aware about. Dressing conservatively, even if you don’t think your colthes are particularly racy, will send out the right signals.

If you get followed, head into a nearby busy shop or public area and tell the owner. Remember also that Muslim countries have very strict dress codes and your jeans and T-shirt combo could cause a lot

4AKE CARE WHEN ABROAD

of offence, so be respectful.

Never drink the local tap water. Bottled water from recognisable brands is available more often than not - however, make sure that the bottle is opened in your presence, or open it yourself. There have been cases of more unscrupulous stores or restaurants refilling bottles with local water and reselling it to travellers.

Following this, it is a good idea to avoid having ice in your drinks as it is probably made from the same water you’re trying to avoid.

Going away this summer?

Travel go backpacking in Turkey, explore eco-tourism and share their favourite snaps of 2006.

Quench page 18.

HE FIRST GLIMPSE OF SUMMER SUN NORMALLY HAS A PROFOUND EFFECT ON THE "RITISH PUBLIC Whether we are jetting off to warmer climes or huddling under a beer garden umbrella trying by willpower alone to part the clouds and catch a few precious rays, summer seems to be the time for letting our hair down and enjoying ourselves.

However, with more people heading out to bars and clubs during the summer months the problem of drink spiking becomes more common.

With the recent extensions to venue trading hours, people can become more complacent about the problem, which is on the increase.

Hundreds of cases are reported to the police each year, but because of the nature of spiking, many cases are not reported, either because the victim thinks they simply had too much to drink or because of the stigma surrounding the issue.

Figures released by the Roofie Foundation, a support network for victims of drug-assisted sexual abuse, 854 people contacted them in 2005 to report a drugassisted assault.

Defined by law as, “the unlawful administration of a mind-altering substance to another person,� this is most commonly achieved by slipping a substance into a drink.

Although most people recognise the names of some of the drugs used in spiking, such as GHB or Rohypnol, a less commonly known fact is that alcohol is also considered a ‘spiking’ substance.

Victims are not exclusively female either - statistics of reported incidents show that around 11 per cent are male.

The advice offered to customers looking to limit the chances of being a victim of drink spiking is simple: stick to drinking from bottles where possible, keep these with you at all times and don’t accept drinks from strangers.

The symptoms of drink-spiking can differ; however, among the most common things to look out for are drowsiness, loss of motor skills, signs of extreme intoxication despite limited alcohol intake, impaired memory and even loss of consciousness.

Should you feel this happening to you or someone you are out with, try to get help, either by dialling for an ambulance or by alerting bar or door staff to the situation.

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-EDIA SEES RED

The launch of the RED campaign represents the start of a new relationship between the media and charities "Y !LINE 5NGEWISS $EPUTY -EDIA %DITOR

7

HO WOULDN T WANT TO EDIT A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER 4HE PRESTIGE THE SALARY AND SOM TIMES THE FAME 7ELL NONE OF THAT MADE MUCH DIFFERENCE TO 5 S LEAD SINGER AND NOTED POVERTY CAMPAIGNER

WHO RECENTLY TOOK UP 3IMON +ELNER S CHAIR AT THE )NDEPENDENT TO PROMOTE THE ANTI !IDS 2%$ CAMPAIGN With a striking red Damien Hirst cover stating ‘No News Today’, the Indy donated half of the revenue from their one-off edition to Product RED. The project, launched by Bono earlier this year at the meeting of the World Economic Forum in Switzerland, aims to tackle AIDS and poverty in Africa.

As guest editor he interviewed prominent political figures such as Tony Blair and Gordon Brown on their ‘shared vision for Africa,’ and they agreed that the ‘voice of Africa’ needs to be heard. Another Live8 luminary, Bob Geldof, contributed an opinion piece too.

The RED Independent was a huge success, selling more than 70,000 extra copies that day - a bigger sales lift than that it experienced after last July’s bombings.

Unsurprisingly other big companies have got in on the act. American Express has launched a RED credit card, Converse have designed two sports shoe lines, and Armani have developed sunglasses for the campaign. Another major contributor to the campaign is Motorola.

The phone company, along with other UK phone networks, has launched a Motorola SLVR handset equipped with an mp3 player, from which five per cent of bill revenue will be donated. ÂŁ10 of the purchase price goes to charity as well.

Donations from the sale of just three handsets can provide a year’s worth of

"/./ -AKING REDLINES

The theory is that a more media coverage a subject receives, the more it is talked about, and the more is done about it school materials and daily hot meals for an AIDS orphan.

The RED campaign has the potential to raise millions for AIDS work. As the U2 singer said, “You don’t have to change your number. But you can change the world - for someone whose world is worth changing.�

The idea behind RED was to put a proposition to big business that worked for the companies as well as developing countries. Bono called it a ‘historical moment’ for marketing as the RED campaign resulted in an ‘unprecedented’ collaboration between rival operators in Britain’s telecoms industry in order to raise money.

We can all make a difference to the lives of people less fortunate than ourselves as it is now ‘cool’ to help people by purchasing new, desirable sunglasses or slim, bright red phones.

The U2 singer has realized this weakness in human beings, and is using it to help people in less privileged situations.

The question posed by the Independent was: Can rock stars change the world?

They certainly have the power and popularity to influence us and our spending, as well as manipulate the media, even to the extent of taking over the editorship of a well-respected daily newspaper, in order to direct our attention towards the world’s biggest problems.

The media is being used to make us aware of how we can easily help make a difference to people’s lives, simply by buying a new mobile or a newspaper.

However, the issue of AIDS has not always been so widely discussed in our society. In other countries, especially in Switzerland, other more radical methods of advertising have been used to make the public aware of the growing problems.

Recently a new public health campaign raised eyebrows in Switzerland. The campaign, run by the Federal Health Office’s Aids prevention section, shows fencers and ice hockey players practicing their sport stark naked. The message - “no action without protection.�

The media has a crucial role to play in this process, that of directing the public’s attention towards certain issues, and as a result making them more aware.

4(% 2%$ ).$%0%.$%.4 ! PRODUCT OF THE 2%$ CAMPAIGN The theory is that the more media coverage a subject receives the more it is talked about, and consequently, the more is actively done about it.

This theory is used with the RED campaign as well as with controversial advertising, such as the fashion brand Benetton, who attracted much attention in the 90s with its shocking images of people dying of AIDS.

We all read newspapers and magazines full of adverts, and consciously or unconsciously react to them.

This natural human reaction to the material put before us is a new way for famous personalities such as the U2 front man to raise money in order to save other people and make us aware of the threats of the future.

"ONDING WITH *ENNIE Heather Casey catches up with *ENNIE "OND to talk about life as the BBC’s royal correspondent, reality TV and Desert Island Discs

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T S SEVEN O CLOCK ON A 4UESDAY EVENING AND *ENNIE "OND IS EATING HER TEA (ALF AN HOUR LATER SHE GETS A PHONE CALL FROM GAIR RHYDD ABOUT THE INTERVIEW THAT SHE HAD PROMISED BUT REPLIES h) M SORRY BUT WOULD YOU MIND RINGING BACK AFTER %ASTENDERS v 7ELL

THEY SAY YOU CAN TAKE THE GIRL OUT OF THE ""#x Jennie Bond is known to most as the BBC’s Royal Correspondent. During her 14-year stint in the role she has been responsible for commenting on the Monarchy at a time when, as she describes, ‘the Royals were imploding massively’.

Since leaving the position in the summer of 2003, Jennie has turned her hand to entertainment. She took part in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here in 2004 and has appeared in Posh Swap, Little Britain and is now currently hosting Cash in the Attic and Great British Menu.

looked really varied, different and individual - which later I found is the joy and grief of being a journalist.

After that I wrote to nearly every newspaper in the country, about 70 newspapers or so. I sent the same letter to everyone, one of them saying that I knew the geography and that I was a great reporter for them. Most of them didn’t reply, and the ones that did said I was overqualified, they didn’t want a graduate.

Then a guy from the Richmond Herald rang to say could I come for an interview, so I did. But I asked for directions to get to Richmond, even though I was meant to know the area. The next day we had a full and frank discussion where I said ‘I know fuck all about journalism’. I started on the

Monday, working for a weekly newspaper.

(OW DID YOU GET YOUR JOB AS 2OYAL #ORRESPONDENT FOR THE ""# Well I actually moved from radio into television and became a general reporter for the BBC, which still I think is the best job in journalism.

I was simply asked to be the Royal Correspondent because my predecessor had said a few too many words about the Queen’s speech! I was told it was going to be ‘a bit of a graveyard’ but I agreed to do it for a year as 50 per cent of my job. The general reporting side became less and less, and I ended up doing the job for 14 years.

'2 $ID YOU GET INVOLVED WITH STUDENT MEDIA WHILE STUDYING AT 7ARWICK 5NIVERSITY JB: I didn’t get involved with any journalism when I was a student, but I did go out with the President of the Students’ Union!

I didn’t get involved because I anticipated being a teacher.

I did a degree in French and European Literature at Warwick so I was sent out as an ‘assistant’ in ‘elysĂŠe’ in my third year and I was so so bad at teaching, so awful.

I found I had no authority and introduced myself as ‘Jennie’.

The pupils used to steal my cigarettes and one little boy used to actually cycle around the classroom!

It was really by default that I became a journalist.

7HAT WERE THE FIRST STEPS YOU TOOK TOWARDS BECOMING A REPORTER A couple of friends had become local newspaper journalists, one of which a very good friend from university. They were working in Central Wales and invited me to spend some time with them. I thought ‘I’d like to do that’ because what she did

7HY DID YOU LEAVE ""# .EWS Because we moved to Devon from London as a family and none of us wanted to be apart. I wanted to be there with my husband and watch my daughter grow up rather than be in a job 250 miles away and just coming home for weekends.

7HAT HAVE YOU MOST ENJOYED SINCE LEAVING Well the best thing since leaving the BBC has been the variety, doing I’m A Celebrity..., Posh Swap and Stars in their Eyes as Blondie.

9OU RE QUITE A 46 CELEBRITY THESE DAYS $O YOU CONSIDER THAT A BI PRODUCT OF BEING A BROADCAST JOURNALIST OR SOME THING WHICH CAME AS A RESULT OF PRO GRAMMES LIKE ) M ! #ELEBRITY As a news presenter in the past you were serious, you weren’t to be seen vaguely funny, which I think is bollocks. It’s much more interesting to watch someone reading the news you know. I think the doing the royal job did give me a edge over my other colleagues because it was the royals and it was at a time when they were imploding massively.

Reporting meant I was in people’s living rooms day after day, which certainly gives you a profile, significantly more of a face. As a reflection, I was actually asked to do I’m A Celebrity... twice before I left the BBC. I think that then catapulted me into a slightly different category, especially coming second on the programme to Kerry.

7OULD YOU EVER DO MORE REALITY 46 I have been asked to do other reality things but doing I’m A Celebrity... was enough.

*%..)% "ONDING WITH THE STUDENTS

9OU RE CURRENTLY HOSTING THE ""# S #ASH IN THE !TTIC !RE YOU AWARE OF YOUR ICONIC STATUS AMONG STUDENTS AS A RESULT Yes. I know people think it’s cheesy but it’s a hugely popular programme and so it’s fun to do. In fact, we’re coming to Wales soon to do some filming. I battle with the ghastly puns, but if it’s not broken

then why mend it? )T S BEEN RUMOURED YOU RE BEING CON SIDERED TO HOST 2ADIO S $ESERT )SLAND $ISCS )NTERESTED I read that somewhere, but nobody’s approached me. I’m not in the frame. It’s a nice proposal but I’m much more interested in a variety. It’s great at the present, I’ve got some one-off stuff to do for Radio 4, and I really like comedy. I love the fact I had a cameo in Little Britain before I even knew what Little Britain was about. !NNA &ORD HAS RECENTLY BEEN OPEN WITH HER OPINIONS ABOUT HOW HER AGE RELATED TO HER LEAVING THE ""# $O YOU THINK THE CULTURE OF EMPLOYING JOURNAL ISTS THAT THAT ARE YOUNG AND @SEXY IS DETRIMENTAL TO THE QUALITY OF 46 REPORTING I think personality shows at whatever age you are. I find it sad that newsreaders are expected to be young. I am 55 and I’ve never been more at the right place, at the right time.

Now chief executives chase me, about three years ago I spoke to an important TV person who said ‘old is the new young’ and I didn’t believe her, but just look at the success of Angela Rippon for example or Gloria Hunniford taking on the Sunday show Heaven and Earth.

I am earning the most amount of money in my career now and don’t feel the least bit bothered about my age.

7HERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS Well, I’ll be coming up to 60 and would like to be like Angela Rippon who’s doing a musical. I’ve been asked to do theatre and pantomime, but the world is my oyster. I hope to still be being asked to do all sorts of zany things.

If not I have beautiful valleys here and a chance to be tranquil overlooking the sea, watch my daughter go to University and not work anymore. But I’ll keep working if people ask me.

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7E LOOK BACK AT THE YEAR THAT WAS 3TUDENTS IN DODGY HOUSING SHOCKER %6%29 9%!2 WITHOUT FAIL WE COVER A STORY ABOUT LANDLORD LETTING AGENT NAUGHTINESS But this year we pushed the boat out with the ‘Infested’ article. ‘Infested’ told the story of a student house that featured such delights as a dead seagull in the garden, maggots falling through light fittings and rats in the loo. Mmm. We also covered the story of Talybont

Court, Residences’ new proud and joy, leaking more than one of David Blunkett’s ‘close friends’.

The final accommodation scandal was that of the private Ty Pont Haearn halls in the city centre where more leaks meant that students were forced to evacuate their smart new halls. “We were f**ked over,� said one unhappy resident. Quite.

! FATAL STABBING AND A SPOT OF BOTHER #!2$)&& 7!3 2/#+%$ BY THE STABBING OF A YEAR OLD WOMAN IN A CITY CENTRE BRANCH OF 0OUNDSTRETCHER Of course we covered it as sensitively as usual with the headline ‘Murder’. Hmm, contempt of court is overrated anyway. Our Luke photographer Pavey was at the crime

scene straight away and took a great shot (left).

The psychology department revealed that they were planning to spend a whopping ÂŁ125,000 (or half a vice-chancellor) on a shiny new piece of ‘artwork’.

One Cardiff student wasn’t impressed: “It looks like something out of an Austin Powers movie.�

4/0 50 #/.&53)/. %6%29/.% 7!3 4!,+).' ABOUT TOP UP FEES BUT NO ONE KNEW WHAT ON EARTH WAS GOING ON 3O GAIR RHYDD SWOOPED IN AND CLEARED THINGS UP A BIT It turned out that the lucky ol’ Welsh students didn’t have to fork out any more cash for their studies, but those coming from across the border would have pay £3,000 a year for the priveledge of getting a degree.

4HAT S ALL FOLKS 4(/3% (/./2!29 !7!2$3 ). &5,, 4HE DAS 3TURMER !WARD FOR 3ENSITIVITY #HARISSA #OULTHARD 46 *OHN FOR @4HAT S !LLAH &OLKS 4HE 3IMON 7ESTON !WARD FOR #ONTROVERSY 7ELLINGHAM OBVIOUSLY 4HE -ARCUS "RUTUS !WARD FOR 3TICKING THE +NIFE )N 4HE /XFORD 3TUDENT FOR @7HAT WAS GAIR RHYDD THINKING #HEERS GUYS "EST (EADLINE @4HE 6INYL 3OLUTION 46 $ESK HEADLINE ABOUT A GROUP OF NEO .AZI ROCK BANDS "Y RETURNING CHAMPION 46 *OHN 7ORST (EADLINE @4WICE AS N ICE 3PORT OUTDO THEMSELVES WITH THIS PUN TASTIC HEADER ABOUT ICE HOCKEY 4HE ,INFORD #HRISTIE !WARD FOR 3PEED IN %DITING $AVE @) DID IT IN HOURS -ENON 4HE @SHOW ME A GOOD LOSER AND ) LL SHOW YOU A LOSER !WARD n $AN @4HERE S NO ) IN TEAM 2IDLER 4HE $ON T ,OOK "ACK IN !NGER !WARD n 'EORDIE WHO QUIT DRAMATICALLY AT #HRISTMAS AND WAS BACK WITHIN THE FORTNIGHT

4()3 9%!2 7% (!6% -/34,9 "%%.

3TICKING OUR TONGUES OUT 'OING TO THE 5NION 3HOP FOR @UNDISCLOSED REASONS (OPING WE RE NOT BEING COVERED ON )46 7ALES 3LAGGED OFF BY THE /XFORD 3TUDENT 2IPPED OFF BY 3WANSEA S 7ATERFRONT -AKING DISTASTEFUL HEADLINES 'ETTING KICKED BY THE /RDINARY "OYS (AVING DRINKS WITH "OB 'ELDOF 3TARTING FIGHTS WITH 2USSELL "RAND &AWNING TO #HANNEL NEWSCASTERS 3MELLING OF STALE SWEAT AND COFFEE 4RYING TO GET A POLITICIAN TO ORGANISE A PISS UP IN A BREWERY THEY ALL DECLINED SURPRISINGLY 3ENDING MESSAGES ON -Y3PACE 3HOUTING h'RAEME v WHENEVER WE GET STUCK WITH ANYTHING

4(% '!)2 2(9$$ 4%!- /2 -/34 /& 4(%- !.97!9 &2/- 4/0 , 2 4HE 7ELLINGHAM %DITOR 7ILL #HANDLER "ING $EPUTY %DITOR I0ORTEOUS -AC GENIUS %LAINE THE @GLUE "EC AND !MY TRAV EL BLAGGERS -ENON )-' CHIEF 3OPH LOAF AND ED OP 0EROU WILL SNAP FOR NUTS &ILM #AT AND -ICKELODEON DROWSY 46 $ESK 'RACE 'ARETH *OHN AND %LLEN .EWS #ARRIE #HEESE 2IDLER AND 0EZ 3CIENCE #ERI -USIC (AROLD BEARD 2YAN &ILM 'EORDIE 3AM -USIC AND 3KINS "OOKS 0HOTO 0AV AND 3PORT 4IM AND %D -EDIA (EATHER AND "LIND $ATE 3ARAH !ND THAT PRAT WITH THE ARM IS -USIC 'REG

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.%73 2%6)%7 GAIR RHYDD TURNS 7% $/ ,)+% ! KNEES UP HERE AT GAIR RHYDD SO A SPECIAL ALL SINGING ALL DANCING TH SEEMED THE ONLY THING APPROPRIATE TO MARK GR PASSING INTO OCTOGENARIAN FIGURES

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The issue featured a history of the paper’s trials and tribulations which included an ex-editor (now plying his trade at Newsnight) staging an occupation of the Vice-Chancellor’s office and

4()3 9%!2 3 3ABBATICAL TEAM ANNOUNCED PLANS TO RE EVAL UATE THE STRUCTURE OF THE 5NION S GOVERNANCE INCLUDING THE NUMBER OF 3ABB OFFICERS &OLLOWING AN EXTENSIVE CONSULTATION PROCESS IT WAS DECIDED

BY THE 3TUDENT #OUNCIL THAT THERE WOULD BE A REDUCTION IN THE

the Union going into meltdown over the publication of a naughty Pixies album cover. Oh how we laughed at the folly.

We’d never do anything to get ourselves into trouble like that...

NUMBER OF 3ABBS FROM EIGHT TO SIX 7ITH NEXT YEAR S ELECTIONS BEGINING TO LOOM ON THE HORIZON

IT LOOKED AS THOUGH THE STAGE WAS SET FOR MORE COMPETITION AND CONTENTION THAN EVER (OW RIGHT WE WERE

4HE BIG OOPS /. 3%#/.$ THOUGHTS MAYBE WE WOULD MAKE A BIT OF A COCK UP Yes, inevitably, the focal point of many for this gair rhydd year was when we semi-accidentally became the first UK newspaper to shoot itself in the foot publish the ‘infamous Danish prophet cartoons’... you know the rest. The resulting brouhaha saw a darned good issue of the paper get pulped and our editor ‘go into hiding’ (or go home ‘devastated’ for a few days, depending on which sensationalist South Welsh rag you read).

Anyway, we’re over that now. We can look back and laugh, bitterly, with the knowledge that, above all, don’t piss off the religious. Yowch!

%LECTION PROBLEMS 4()3 9%!2 3 3TUDENTS 5NION ELEC TIONS WERE MARRED BY CONTROVERSY It was disciplinary commitees a-go-go during the campaigning period and the counts for Athletic Union and Students’ Union President were suspended while a number of candidates were investigated.

After a wait of almost two months gair rhydd was able to reveal that the Students’ Union Presidential count had been delayed because a member of candidate Gemma Long’s campaign team had tried to flog two Come Play tickets.

All that fuss over just 14 quid.

4HOSE STRIKE ISSUES IN FULL ALL OF THEM 4(% .%84 ")' .%73 STORY IN #ARDIFF AND FOR STUDENTS AROUND THE 5+ WAS THE STRIKE ACTION PLANNED AND UNDERTAKEN BY UNIVERSITY LECTUR ERS After years without proper pay-rises lecturers

decided enough was enough and began a series of walkouts and then ‘non-strike’ action which involves not marking work. Sounds like strike action to us‌ Anyway, the strike is still being resolved and the third years among you will soon find out what the humbuggery is going to happen to your degree.

Watch this space.

). )335% WE GLORIOUSLY PRONOUNCED THAT THE 5NION HAD SECURED A LICENSE TO SERVE ALCOHOL UNTIL AM 4HE WORD @CARNAGE WAS ON EVERYONE S LIPS It could be said that we jumped the mark a bit though, as so far this year the Union hasn’t used the license to extend the opening times of regular events like Rubber Duck and Come Play. But we’re all students up here and we lived in hope.

The last few issues saw gair rhydd tackle more serious stories: we reported on a con man targetting Cardiff Muslims and spoke to a student who was threatened with a knife in her own home.

We also revealed yet more failings by the School of Medicine when an entire week of final year exams was riddled with set-backs. But the medics didn’t have that bad a month: this week they got their new common room, something that gair rhydd’s Inject the Funds campaign called for last year.

AND THE REST

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(YRWYDDO R 'YMRAEG

Mae datblygiadau diweddar yn ceisio hybu defnydd y Gymraeg ledled Cymru 'AN +ATHRYN (ARRIES 'OLYGYDD 4AF /D ,!.3)79$ .)&%2 O DDATBLYGIADAU YN YSTOD WYTHNOS %ISTEDDFOD YR 5RDD SY N CEISIO HYBU DEFNYDD Y 'YMRAEG LEDLED #YMRU Rhoddwyd sylw i ddefnydd y Gymraeg ym mhrifysgolion Cymru gyda lansiad ‘Mantais’ ar 1 Mehefin. Mae’r prosiect yn ceisio cynyddu nifer y cyfleoedd i ddilyn cyrsiau trwy’r Gymraeg ac yn annog myfyrwyr i dderbyn eu haddysg trwy’r iaith.

Mae’r prosiect, sy’n pwysleisio manteision dilyn addysg uwch trwy’r Gymraeg, wedi’i ddatblygu gan Ganolfan Datblygu Addysg Cyfrwng Cymraeg Prifysgol Cymru. Mae manylion am y prosiect ar gael ar y gwefan newydd, www.mantais.cymru.ac.uk., sy’n darparu gwybodaeth ar gyfer Cymry Cymraeg yn ogystal â myfyrwyr sy’n dod o gefndir diGymraeg sy’n dymuno parhau â’u haddysg trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. ‘Trwy gynyddu nifer y myfyrwyr sy'n dewis astudio drwy'r Gymraeg fe fyddwn yn cynnig gwell darpariaeth yn y Gymraeg,’ meddai llefarydd ar ran Prifysgol Cymru. ‘Yn ystod y tair blynedd nesaf, rydym yn rhagweld y bydd 50 o unigolion newydd yn dod i ddarlithio drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg, sy'n ehangu'r cyfleoedd astudio sydd ar gael i fyfyrwyr.’ Mae’r ymgais i ddenu sylw a diddordeb at addysg uwch trwy’r Gymraeg wedi ennill cefnogaeth Huw Edwards, un o ddarllenwyr newyddion mwyaf adnabyddus y BBC. ‘Dwi’n meddwl bod yr ymgais yn wych,’ meddai. ‘Pan roeddwn i’n fyfyriwr, doedd dim llawer o gyfleoedd i ddilyn cyrsiau trwy’r Gymraeg ac, yn anffodus, doeddwn i ddim yn gallu dilyn modiwlau trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. Ond, mae lot wedi newid erbyn hyn. Mae’n bwysig bod myfyrwyr yn gwybod am y datblygiadau newydd ac yn defnyddio’r cyfleoedd ar gael.’ ‘Mae Mantais yn enw bendigedig ar gyfer yr ymgyrch gan fod y Gymraeg yn rhoi mantais i chi yn eich bywyd,’ ychwanegodd. ‘Erbyn hyn, dyw Saesneg ddim yn ganolog i lwyddiant, fel y credwyd yn y gorffennol. Dros yr 20 mlynedd diwetha, rydym ni wedi gweld cynyddiad enfawr ym maint o blant sy’n dilyn addysg trwy’r Gymraeg, ac mae’n bwysig bod fwy o bobl ifanc yn astudio trwy’r iaith mewn prifysgol hefyd.’ Lansiwyd y prosiect newydd ar faes Eisteddfod yr Urdd gan y cyflwynwyr Rhydian Bowen Phillips a Llinos Lee o’r rhaglen Uned 5. ‘Dwi’n awyddus i gefnogi ymgyrch fel hon,’ meddai Mr. Phillips. ‘Rydym ni angen dangos i bobl ifanc nid

rhwystr yw astudio trwy’r Gymraeg.

Mewn gwirionedd, mae’r Gymraeg wedi cynnig, i fi yn bersonol, lawer o brofiadau gwych.’ Lansiwyd Mantais yn ystod yr un wythnos â chyhoeddiad Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg o ganlyniadau ymchwil sy’n edrych ar ddefnydd y Gymraeg ymhlith pobl ifanc. Mae’r ymchwil o’r enw Rhwydweithiau Cymdeithasol a Defnydd Iaith Pobl Ifanc, wedi edrych ar ddefnydd y Gymraeg ymhlith pobl ifanc 13-17 oed yn ystod 2003-05.

Cred Bwrdd yr Iaith fod angen gwario mwy o arian er mwyn darparu cyfleoedd i bobl ifanc Gymraeg ddefnyddio’r iaith y tu allan i fyd addysg. Yn Ă´l prif weithredwr Bwrdd yr Iaith, Meirion Prys Jones, mae’n angenrheidiol darparu cyfleoedd tu allan i’r ysgol ‘i wneud yn siwr bod [pobl ifanc] yn defnyddio eu Cymraeg.’ Ychwanegodd Mr. Jones fod astudiaethau fel hyn yn ‘rhan annatod o'n gwaith er mwyn gallu adnabod arferion cymdeithasol ardaloedd sy'n ein galluogi i gynllunio'n ieithyddol yn fwy effeithiol ac arbenigol.’ Holwyd pobl ifanc ledled Cymru ar gyfer yr ymchwil hon. Mae’r canlyniadau’n dangos fod pobl ifanc o’r Bala yn siarad y Gymraeg 94% o’r amser o’u cymharu â pobl ifanc Abergwaun, sy’n ei defnyddio 2% o’r amser.

Mae’n ‘fater o bryder mawr bod cynifer o siaradwyr Cymraeg ifanc yn penderfynu efallai peidio defnyddio'r Gymraeg,’ meddai Cefin Campbell, Cyfarwyddwr Mentrau Iaith Myrddin. Mae Bwrdd yr Iaith nawr yn bwriadu targedu’r ardaloedd, fel Abergwaun ac Ystradgynlais, lle mae’r Gymraeg yn brin ymhlith pobl ifanc.

Mewn ymdrech i hybu dwyieithrwydd yng Nghymru mae Bwrdd yr Iaith hefyd wedi lansio cyfnod treialu cyhoeddus ar gyfer rhaglen gyfrifiadurol ddwyieithog newydd. Mae’r rhaglen, a ddatblygwyd gan Bwrdd yr Iaith a Thechnoleg Draig Cyf, yn galluogi pawb i ddefnyddio’r Gymraeg neu’r Saesneg fel iaith rhyngwyneb Windows XP ac Office 2003. ‘Gan fod cynifer o gartrefi a sefydliadau Cymru yn ddwyieithog,’ meddai Bwrdd yr Iaith, ‘rhaid medru newid technoleg rhwng y Gymraeg a’r Saesneg yn hawdd. Gall siaradwyr Cymraeg a’r diGymraeg rannu’r un peiriannau yn y cartref neu yn y gwaith, sydd hefyd yn pwysleisio’r angen i newid iaith rhyngwyneb y defnyddiwr yn ddidrafferth.’ Mae’r rhaglen yn fodd o newid rhwng y Gymraeg a’r Saesneg, cywiro sillafu yn y Gymraeg a chael tiwtorial ar sut i deipio acenion Cymraeg. Mae’r rhaglen ar gael i’w llwytho am ddim o wefan Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg.

-!.4!)3 #YNYDDU DEFNYDD Y 'YMRAEG MEWN PRIFYSGOLION

0ASS PLUS #YMRU

Mae Pass Plus Cymru yn annog mwy o bobl ifanc i wella’i sgiliau gyrru

'AN ,OIS $AFYDD 'OHEBYDD 4AF /D 9. $$)7%$$!2 LANSIWYD YMGYRCH NEWYDD I ANNOG POBL IFANC I WELLA EU SGILIAU GYRRU Darganfu’r BBC fod tua hanner y 130 o bobl a laddwyd ar ein ffyrdd dros y tair blynedd diwethaf yn bobl ifanc rhwng 16 a 25 oed, ac mai camgymeriadau syml sydd wedi achosi nifer o’r damweiniau hynny.

Collodd Alun Thomas o Walchmai ei

fab, Dafydd, mewn damwain car, ac mae e’n galw am wahardd pobl ifanc rhag gyrru ceir pwerus. ‘Be fyddwn i’n hoffi ei weld ydy hogia ifanc sy’n cael prawf yn methu cael ceir pwerus er mwyn iddyn nhw ddod i’r arfer yn gyntaf â gyrru ar y ffordd yn yr oes yma,’ meddai Mr Thomas. ‘Mae pawb wedi bod yn ifanc unwaith a ddim yn gwrando gaf feddwl eu bod nhw’n gwybod yn well, ond fe ddylen nhw wrando, a gwisgo’r gwregys diogelwch.’

7*398 +742

Â&#x2020; 5*7 <**0

7*398 +742

Â&#x2020; 5*7 <**0 (&11

47 &551> &9 8*;*73 54.39

Datblygwyd y cynllun Pass Plus Cymru er mwyn mynd iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r afael ââ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r broblem drychinebus hon. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Dydy [pobl ifanc] ddim yn ymwybodol o rai oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r problemau fydd yn codi pan fyddan nhwâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n cludo ffrindiau yn y car,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; meddai Dafydd Edwards, Swyddog Diogelwch Ffyrdd Cyngor Sir Conwy.

Felly bydd y cynllun yn cynnig hyfforddiant pellach iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r rhai sydd eisoes wedi pasioâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;u prawf sylfaenol trwy roi gwersi gyrru ychwanegol iddynt, ac wediâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;i aneluâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n benodol at bobl ifanc.

Yn ystod y flwyddyn gyntaf bydd tua 2,000 o bobl ifanc yn derbyn hyfforddiant pellach, gydaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r Cynulliad yn cyfrannu arian tuag at y cynllun.

Nid prawf pellach yw Pass Plus Cymru ond hyfforddiant pellach. Maeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n cynnwys cwrs tair awr ar theori gyrru, a bydd y sawl syâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n ei ddilyn hefyd yn derbyn diwrnod o hyfforddiant ymarferol y tu Ă´l iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r llyw.

Yn Ă´l ymgyrchwyr diogelwch mae pobl ifanc yn tueddu i yrruâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n rhy gyflym ac yn araf i ymateb i beryglon â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Mae o wedi rhoi rhywfaint o help i mi pan dwiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n gyrru i feddwl ymlaen,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; meddai Kevin Williams, sydd wedi dilyn y cwrs. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Maeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n fy ngwneud iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n fy ymwybodol oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r hyn sydd o gwmpas, aâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r hyn all ddigwydd.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Mae Pass Plus Cymru yn gobeithio y bydd y cynllun newydd hwn yn lleihau nifer y damweiniau ffyrdd.

No more exams?

Going out provide a rundown of the best places to catch some sun and do what studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; do best.

Quench page 23.

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7E MEET THE #LASS OF WHAT ARE THEY DOING NEXT Photo essay by Adam Gasson & James Perou

!DAM 7ALDIE &RENCH AND 'ERMAN h) M MOVING TO "ERLIN FOR THE SUMMER TO EARN SOME BUCKS )N 3EPTEMBER ) M OFF TO 3HANGHAI TO GET SOME INSPIRATION FOR WHAT ) WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE v

*EN ,ONG *OURNALISM &ILM "ROADCASTING h) M DOING A FORTNIGHTLY PODCAST IN ASSOCIATION WITH 40& RECORDS 7E LL BE DOING INTERVIEWS AND PLAYING NEW 7ELSH MUSIC )T S GOING TO BE GREAT v

-EL #UNNIGHAM "USINESS ADMINISTRATION h) M HEADING HOME BECAUSE ) LIVE NEAR ,ONDON AND THERE S MORE OPPORTUNITIES THERE ) WANT TO GET SOME WORK EXPERIENCE IN A BUSINESS STYLE ENVIRONMENT v

"EC 3TOREY *OURNALISM &ILM "ROADCASTING h.EXT YEAR ) AM STARTING MY THREE YEAR 0H$ ) M LOOKING AT EXTREME MAKEOVER SHOWS AND ) HOPE TO BE TEACHING FIRST YEAR UNDERGRADUATES IN /CTOBER v

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!LEX "UXTON !RCHAEOLOGY hI m writing a sictom with a friend. It s a anti-Hollyoaks/ anti-Two Pints of Lager thing called Rodents. I m hoping to get it made next year.”

-ILLY (ARRADINE 0OLITICS AND )NT 2ELATIONS h) M JOINING THE .AVY IN 3EPTEMBER TO SEE THE WORLD AND MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE CAN SLEEP SAFELY IN THEIR BEDS AT NIGHT v

&ENAR -OHAMMED !LI 0OLITICS h.EXT YEAR ) M HOPING TO PURSUE A CAREER IN ACTING ) VE BEEN OFFERED THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE THE PLAY ) DID IN ,ONDON ON TOUR AND ) M TRYING TO GET AN AGENT v

3IMON *EFFRIES (ISTORY h) M GOING TO .EW :EALAND IN *ULY TO DO AN INSTRUCTORS COURSE IN WHITE WATER RAFTING ) THEN PLAN TO TEACH IN PLACES LIKE .ORTH !MERICA v

%D *ONES -! 0OLITICAL #OMMUNICATIONS h) LL BE STAYING IN #ARDIFF AS THE 5NION S 6ICE 0RESIDENT )NSTEAD OF GOING TO !USTRALIA TO WATCH THE !SHES ) LL BE SITTING AT A DESK PRETENDING ) M STILL A STUDENT v

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7IN TICKETS 35--%2 )3 (%2% AND IT S TIME TO HIT THE FESTIVALS BABY 7HAT WITH 'LASTONBURY BEING RELOCATED TO )BIZA THIS YEAR WE FIGURED THAT THE CHANCE TO WIN A FOUR DAY PASS TO ONE OF %UROPE S BEST MUSIC FESTIVALS WOULDN T GO DOWN TOO BADLY )NTRODUCING THE $OUR &ESTIVAL

"ELGIUM S ALTERNATIVE MUSIC EVENT CREATED YEARS AGO BY #ARLO $I !NTONIO AND HIS TEAM 4HERE ARE NO BIG HEADLINERS AT THIS FESTIVAL BUT THIS IS THE KEY TO ITS SUCCESS THE DOOR AT $OUR IS KEPT WIDE OPEN FOR THE FRESH

UP AND COMING ACTS THAT FEATURE ALONGSIDE THE MORE SEASONED ARTISTS THAT HAVE INFLUENCED THEM (ELD IN THE VILLAGE OF $OUR CLOSE TO THE &RENCH BORDER THE FESTIVAL IS THE BIGGEST EVENT IN THE &RENCH SPEAKING SIDE OF "ELGIUM )T WAS SOLD OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WITH OVER MUSIC FANS PARTY ING OVER FOUR DAYS )N *ULY $OUR S WIN NING FORMULA IS NOT SET TO CHANGE THE SUMMER EVENT IS BASED PRIMARILY ON THE DISCOVERY OF OVER NEW LIVE ACTS IN A DIVERSITY OF GENRES AND IS ULTIMATELY ABOUT HAVING A GOOD TIME IN AN AMAZING PARTY ATMOS PHERE )T S BECAUSE OF THE EVENT S LOW

COST AND STRONG BILL THAT $OUR FESTIVAL HAS BECOME AN UNMISSABLE EVENT IN %UROPE FOR MUSIC LOVERS $OUR IS PROUD TO HAVE OFFERED FIRST BIG STAGE OPPORTUNITIES TO BANDS SUCH AS 0LACEBO 4HERAPY .O $OUBT AND 1UEENS OF THE 3TONE !GE IN THE PAST AND THIS YEAR S LINE UP IS LOOK ING JUST AS INSPIRING 4O CHECK JUST A HANDFUL OF NAMES

$OUR S SIX STAGES TWO OPEN AIR AND FOUR MARQUEES WILL BE GRACED BY THE LIKES OF THE #ONSTANTINES -AXÃ&#x2020;MO 0ARK 0RIMAL 3CREAM THE 'OSSIP +ILL 9OUR )DOLS THE $ANDY 7ARHOLS !RT "RUT AND MANY MORE &OR THE FULL LINE UP SEE WWW DOURFESTIVAL BE EN $OUR IS PERHAPS THE MOST ORIGINAL AND UNIQUE FESTIVAL IN %UROPE &ESTIVAL GOERS ARE NOT ONLY ATTRACTED TO THE QUALITY OF THE MUSIC BUT ALSO THE STUNNINGLY LOW PRICES AND FLEXIBIL ITY OF THE FESTIVAL RULES 9OU LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT ALL FESTIVAL GOERS ARE WELCOME TO TAKE THEIR OWN ALCOHOL TO THE EVENT AND THAT BEERS ARE VERY CHEAP 7HAT S MORE A FOUR DAY $OUR PASS COSTS JUST a FROM WWW LASTMINUTE COM AND TRAVEL IS SURPRISINGLY INEXPENSIVE WHEN BOOKED IN ADVANCE 4HE FESTIVAL IS

MID WAY BETWEEN ,ILLE AND "RUSSELS

SO A QUICK %UROSTAR JOURNEY FROM 7ATERLOO TO ,ILLE WILL HAVE YOU IN "ELGIUM IN NO TIME AT ALL (ELL THE FESTIVAL IS CLOSER THAN 'LASTONBURY #AMPING FACILITIES ARE ALSO AVAIL ABLE ON SITE BUT ARE NOT INCLUDED IN THE FOUR DAY ENTRY PASS PACKAGE 9OUR PASS WILL GIVE YOU ACCESS TO THE FESTIVAL SITE FROM *ULY AND #AMPING &ACILITY TICKETS CAN BE BOUGHT AT THE WRISTBAND EXCHANGE POINT ONCE YOU RE AT THE FESTIVAL !S EVER ) VE BEEN ON THE CASE AND HAVE MANAGED TO LAY MY HANDS ON A PAIR OF FOUR DAY PASSES FOR THE EVENT )F YOU D LIKE TO BE AT THE $OUR &ESTIVAL COME *ULY AND ARE HAPPY TO ARRANGE YOUR OWN TRAVEL THEN YOU LL WANT TO SEND ME AN EMAIL AT THE USUAL ADDRESS

TELLING ME WHY YOU DESERVE TO BE AT $OUR 9OU LL ALSO NEED TO SUPPLY ME WITH YOUR FULL NAME TELEPHONE NUM BER AND POSTAL ADDRESS YOU D BE SUR PRISED AT THE NUMBER OF MUPPETS WHO FORGET TO TELL ME THEIR NAMES /NE WINNER WILL BE SELECTED AT RAN DOM AND CONTACTED BEFORE THE TERM IS OUT 'OOD LUCK

0%2&%#4 4(!4 4()3 *5.% 0OUT CELEBRATES ITS FIFTH BIRTHDAY IN STYLE BY BRINGING GIRLIE GIRLS WORLDWIDE THE VERY BEST IN SUMMER SLAP AND A HOST OF SEASONAL PRO MOTIONS THAT LL MAKE OTHER BEAUTY BRANDS CRY 3INCE LAUNCHING 0OUT LIP PRODUCTS IN ITS FLAGSHIP #OVENT 'ARDEN STORE IN 0OUT HAS GROWN FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH .OW A FULL COLOUR LINE

0OUT PRODUCTS ARE SOLD IN OVER 0OUTLETS AROUND THE WORLD AND USED BY THE LIKES OF 6ICTORIA "ECKHAM AND "EYONC£ +NOWLES "UT DESPITE MAKING ITS NAME AS THE PRETTIEST BEAUTY BRAND IN THE 5+ IN JUST FIVE YEARS 0OUT HAS ALWAYS REMAINED TRUE TO ITS SPIRIT PRODUCING MAKE UP THAT S FUN EASY TO USE UNINTIMIDATING AND SEXY !ND NEVER A BRAND TO LET MAKE UP JUNKIES DOWN 0OUT ARE LAUNCHING THEIR @&IVE -INUTES TO &ABULOUS SUMMER PROMOTION IN HON OUR OF THEIR FIFTH BIRTHDAY STARRING THE FIVE @HERO 0OUT PRODUCTS

"%!#( 4!34)# 4HE 3EXY 3UNWEAR 2ANGE

gairrhydd #/-

4HIS *UNE YOU CAN VISIT ANY 0OUTLET IN THE 5+ AND MAKE THE MOST OF 0OUT S FREE @&IVE -INUTES TO &ABULOUS MAKEOVER (AVING INTERNALISED THE ETHOS THAT WOMEN CAN LOOK FABULOUS IN FIVE MIN UTES IF THEY USE THE RIGHT FIVE PRODUCTS 0OUT STAFF ACROSS THE COUNTRY WILL BE DEMONSTRATING ON THOU SANDS OF FEMALE FACES THAT MAKING UP YOUR FACE IS FUN QUICK AND EASY IF YOU KNOW HOW "UT THAT S NOT ALL 0OUT ARE OFFERING YOU LUCKY LOT THIS SUMMER 0OUT ARE ALSO OFFERING THOSE WHO SHARE THEIR BIRTHDAY WITH 0OUT *UNE THE CHANCE TO POP INTO A 0OUTLET AND RECEIVE THE CELEBRITY ADORED 0OP -Y "UBBLE ,IP GLOSS THAT LAUNCHED THE BRAND FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING !ND IF THAT S NOT GENEROUS ENOUGH 0OUT ARE ALSO DISHING OUT FREE HOLIDAY SARONGS TO ANY CUSTOMER WHO PUR CHASES TWO OR MORE 3EXY 3UNWEAR PRODUCTS ) SUGGEST YOU GET POUTING 4O CELEBRATE 0OUT S FIFTH BIRTHDAY AND THE END OF EXAMS GRAB HAS TEAMED UP WITH 0OUT TO OFFER ONE LUCKY READER A &IVE -INUTES TO &ABULOUS GIFT SET WORTH a )F YOU D LIKE TO WIN EMAIL ME AT THE ADDRESS AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE TELLING ME WHERE IN ,ONDON 0OUT S FLAGSHIP STORE IS LOCATED 4O PURCHASE ONLINE VISIT WWW POUT CO UK

&!"5,/53 7IN THIS 0OUT GIFT SET WORTH a

-/ -53)# TO YOUR %!23 7%,, 4()3 IS OUR LAST ISSUE OF THE YEAR SO ) THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY RIGHT THAT ) SHOULD PULL SOME COOL PRIZES OUT OF THE BAG !FTER ALL ) WOULDN T WANT YOU TO ACCUSE ME OF NOT DOING MY JOB PROP ERLY "ECAUSE THIS IS OUR LAST ISSUE "EN1 3IEMENS HAVE VERY KINDLY JOINED FORCES WITH GRAB TO OFFER ONE LUCKY #ARDIFF STUDENT THE CHANCE TO WIN THEIR LATEST MUSIC PHONE THE % -OFI 4HE DEFINITIVE PHONE FOR MUSIC LOVERS THE "EN1 3IEMENS % -OFI CAN STORE UP TO TRACKS AND ENABLES YOU TO LISTEN TO TUNES ON THE GO FOR UP TO TEN HOURS 4HE MUSIC CONTROL PANEL IS LOCATED AT THE TOP OF THE PHONE AND HAS DEDI CATED KEYS TO MAKE IT LOOK AND FEEL AS MUCH LIKE A MUSIC PLAYER AS A PHONE 4HE % -OFI WILL ALSO AUTOMATICALLY PAUSE PLAYING MUSIC WHEN YOUR PHONE RINGS SO THERE S NO CHANCE YOU LL MISS A CALL 7ITH IT S UNIQUE WEDGE SHAPE AND BLACK AND ORANGE COLOUR SCHEME THE "EN1 3IEMENS % -OFI HAS BOTH ITS FASHION AND MUSIC CREDENTIALS IN PERFECT ORDER !VAILABLE FOR JUST a ON PREPAY OR FREE ON CONTRACT FROM 6IRGIN -OBILE THE % -OFI IS THE ULTIMATE MUSIC PHONE FOR SUMMER "UT YOU DON T HAVE TO DO THAT IF YOU ENTER TO WIN THE % -OFI ) HAVE CRADLED IN MY PALM RIGHT NOW ) COULD BE GIVING YOU THIS FRESH PIECE OF MOBILE TECHOLOGY FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING )F YOU D LIKE TO WIN EMAIL ME AT COMPETITIONS GAIRRHYDD COM WITH YOUR CONTACT DETAILS AND THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION

1 4HE % -OFI IS THE DEFINITIVE PHONE FOR MUSIC LOVERS "UT WHICH MOBILE PHONE MANUFAC TURER IS LAUNCHING THE HANDSET 4O MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR MYSELF AFTER ALL ) HAVE BEEN SLAVING AWAY THIS PAST WEEK TRYING TO FIND YOU THE VERY BEST IN FREE THINGS PLEASE WRITE THE NAME OF THE PRIZE YOU WOULD LIKE TO WIN IN THE SUBJECT LINE OF YOUR EMAIL /NLY ONE ENTRY PER EMAIL GUYS OR ) WON T PICK YOU

&)'(4 )4 /54 '593 WIN FREE TICKETS %6%29/.% ,/6%3 A BIT OF DRAMA 7HETHER IT S CRAZY !MERICANS ON *ERRY 3PRINGER OR CHAVS ON *EREMY +YLE WE LOVE IT !ND THAT S A FACT (EHE SO YOU CAN TELL ) M A *EREMY +YLE FAN "UT IF YOU LIKE NOSING AROUND IN OTHER PEOPLE S BUSINESS AND HAVEN T YET BEEN TO THE 7ALES -ILLENNIUM #ENTRE

THIS COMPETITION IS RIGHT UP YOUR STREET &OR ONE WEEK ONLY THE SMASH HIT MULTI AWARD WINNING MUSICAL *ERRY 3PRINGER THE /PERA IS SET TO HIT 7-# IN #ARDIFF "AY !FTER OPENING TO UNPRECE DENTED RAVE REVIEWS AND STANDING OVA TIONS AT THE .ATIONAL 4HEATRE THE PRO

DUCTION IS COMING TO 7ALES DIRECT FROM ITS SELL OUT RUN IN THE 7EST %ND 4HIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO SEE THE FUNNIEST

MOST GROUNDBREAKING AND TALKED ABOUT MUSICAL EVER INCLUDING MEMBERS OF THE ORIGINAL 7EST %ND CAST )F YOU HAVEN T BEEN TO THE 7ALES -ILLENNIUM #ENTRE YET YOU RE IN FOR A TREAT 4HE VENUE IS A WORK OF ART ITSELF

INSPIRED BY 7ALES ITS LANDSCAPE ITS TRA DITIONS AND ITS PEOPLE #ONSTRUCTED FROM METAL SLATE WOOD AND GLASS THE STUNNING INTERIORS AND EXTERIOR OF 7-# ARE UNMISTAKEABLY 7ELSH (EARD ABOUT IT 2EAD ABOUT IT .OW

SEE IT FOR YOURSELF GAIR RHYDD HAS FOUR TOP PRICE TICKETS TO GIVE AWAY TO ONE LUCKY WINNER FOR THE OPENING NIGHT ON -ONDAY *UNE )F YOU D LIKE TO WIN

SIMPLY EMAIL ME TELLING ME WHICH CHAT SHOW HOST INSPIRED THE MUSICAL !ND DON T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR FULL ADDRESS *ERRY 3PRINGER THE /PERA IS ON AT THE 7ALES -ILLENNIUM #ENTRE FROM *UNE 4ICKETS COSTS a a &OR MORE INFORMATION OR TO BOOK TICKETS PLEASE CONTACT THE 4ICKET AND )NFORMATION /FFICE ON OR VISIT WWW WMC ORG UK

//( $2!-! -AKE SURE YOU CATCH ALL THE ACTION

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-ASTERS IN DECEPTION

/0).)/.

Paid-for dissertations say more about university greed than student cheats 3/5, LESS

) 3

AT UP HERE IN GAIR RHYDD TOWERS PUTTING TOGETHER OUR FINAL PAPER OF THE YEAR WE VE BEEN BLESSED WITH A UNIVERSITY THAT SEEMS MORE THAN WILLING TO GIVE US LOTS OF MATERIAL TO WORK WITH An enormous carnival of ineptitude seems to be slowly edging its way around campus, be it cancelled graduations, the absolute farce of exams at the medical school, or the fact you can now just buy your qualifications here without bothering to do any work.

A postgraduate friend of mine has recently been offered his dissertation to be written for him in exchange for money.

Ever felt that Cardiff University is more geared towards making money out of you than actually getting down to some education? The consumerisation of education here is not a new phenomenon, but it is certainly something that is gathering pace.

And one of the easiest ways for the university to make money is through international students.

While undergraduate course costs are capped, universities can charge whatever they like for postgraduate courses - over ÂŁ40,000 for the most expensive in the country. And with so many international students taken on at exorbitant rates, they unsurprisingly feel like consumers.

Having paid for the privilege to study here, they expect a guaranteed qualification out of the other side of it.

This would perhaps go some way to explain why some students have paid to have their dissertations written for them.

But there is more to it than that. For many students, the language barrier is so high that they would have little choice but to find someone else to write their dissertations for them. The anecdotal evidence points to some international students relying on ghost-written dissertations and group work to pull through subjects they would otherwise fail. The department in question says that English levels are ensured by language tests in order to join the masters scheme. When a British student off the course claims that â&#x20AC;&#x153;some of the students I do group work with are shocking; Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m amazed they make it here from Heathrow,â&#x20AC;? then itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s time to think otherwise.

This is not a problem that the university does not know about. It is alleged that last year four students were ejected from the course as their dissertations were clearly not written by them, although the University will neither confirm nor deny this. Whilst they were written in word-perfect English, the students could barely even speak the language.

But this is clearly not enough. A current student claims that â&#x20AC;&#x153;international students go home for the summer, so they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be

kept tabs onâ&#x20AC;Śmaybe there are different standards. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve had work handed to me thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s obviously been copied off the internet as it still has the company name on it.â&#x20AC;?

Is the University willingly turning a blind eye to the problem? An incredible story has emerged from one postgraduate module earlier this year. While a lecturer was out of the room, two students ran down to the logged-in computer and opened the moduleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s exam paper on the screen in front of 300 students. Then another student ran to the front and took a copy of the paper on disk.

Think this sounds ridiculous? It gets better. Other students unhappy with what was going on took pictures on their phones and showed them to the university. But with the student in question denying that the files copied across, all they had to do was make a half-hearted apology in front of his fellow students, and no further action was taken. The examination paper has since been replaced.

Academic staff have limits as to how much they can do, with subjects often limiting the contact time they have with students to just an hour a week. But shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it be possible for a department to test students on how much they actually know on their topic, much in the same way that

!

Big Brother is a complete waste of everybodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s time

RE WE REALLY A NATION OF PEOPLE WHO ARE READY AND WILLING TO PROSTITUTE THEIR DIGNITY AND SELL OUT THEIR SELF RESPECT BY TAKING PART IN SOMETHING THEY BELIEVE WILL MOVE THEM FORWARD FURTHER IN LIFE MORE THAN A BIT OF GOOD OLD FASHIONED HARD WORK Many of us might consider ourselves relatively happy with our lots; however, even a brief look at the seasonal televisual train-wreckage that is Big Brother reveals a number of people who are desperate for something more and are using the show to achieve this.

The format of the show is not where my problems with it lie; indeed, it s well produced and diverting enough to ensure that the Carphone Warehouse are getting their (no doubt obscene) amount of sponsorship money s worth from the proceedings.

The main gripe I have is the almost total lack of ambition displayed by the housemates and the effect that this has on those choosing to watch the show.

While the show s producers, Endemol, obviously only pick housemates who will provide no shortage of good material for when the show is cut together in time for the nation s daily drip-feed of house

Vivas are used in other subjects (effectively interviews on the yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s work)?

These are incredible stories that show the depths that the university will go to keep hold of fee-paying students. To international students the problem represents a massive blemish on the reputation of the majority who not only complete qualifications here, but often do so with the handicap of not using their primary language.

And for the rest of us, the reputation of gaining a qualification from a university willing to take money as a higher priority than learning is self-evident.

The risk as always here is that the University is overspending the dividend we have of being an English speaking university. As Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve written before, we currently have strong interest in postgraduate courses because for foreign students there is a premium attached to Anglophonic universities, coupled with a belief that British universities are of a high standard.

As universities in foreign studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; home countries improve, not to mention the various visa barriers that are being erected by the government to block international students, then they are not going to be convinced by the empty rhetoric of our standards.

The numbers of foreign students com-

ing to Cardiff has slowed over the past four years, and is now such a small increase it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t register a change.

Short-term money chasing does nothing but frustrate the long-term chances of the university maintaining standards in the face of international competition.

Masters degrees are already touted in emails from US institutions, for those willing to pay enough money. How long before the click-and-buy masters come to the UK? Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve probably noticed by now that we have avoided mentioning the name of the department in question. To do that would sabotage the reputation of the people that actually do the work theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve paid an incredible amount of money for. But this is a warning to the department that what goes on in your grubby money-making schemes does not go unnoticed. The gair rhydd team will be keeping an eye on the story next year.

The short-term solution is for tightened standards in departments that currently do not monitor their international students closely.

But thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a darker, more engrained problem beneath that the university doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seem even remotely interested in dealing with.

footage, the results never seem to be a great advert for the human race in general.

Would a house full of achievers or thinkers be any less watchable? Here in the gair rhydd offices, we know from personal experience that more balanced individuals definitely apply - one of our own TV editors was among them. Or is it that these people simply don t get considered?

To achieve anything worthwhile in this world it takes plenty of hard graft. Simple.

The work ethic seems to have been completely erased from those in the house.

There just aren t any quick fixes for success; there are very few truly successful people who don t put in the time required, and more, to earn their rewards.

The reality of reality TV shows like Big Brother or Pop anything is that they lead to the kind of success which those who have a genuine interest in the field wouldn t go near with a barge pole.

The winners of these contests would have been much better off working their way up from a grassroots level and earning the respect of their peers along the way, rather than being used as a money-making tool for boardroom executives. Will, who?

Steve, what? Craig, when? Quite.

However, perhaps the biggest shame in all this is the opportunity cost in terms of time to the housemates, some of whom will end up spending over 100 days in the Big Brother house. Just think of what could be achieved in the same timescale.

They might have actually made some real progress.

Let s put the housemates aside for one moment; one assumes they knew what they were getting into when they signed up. The point is that it s not just the housemates who are effectively trapped with time not standing still: it s people outside the house as well.

Carry this train of thought forward and spend a moment thinking of everyone watching Big Brother, every day, across the whole country, and allowing for national versions which are increasingly commonplace, across the whole world, for over 100 days.

Days and days of individual time cumulatively wasted, even if you only watch the program at the end of the day, and collectively enough time to make some real changes to things which really matter.

When George unexpectedly left, saying that he couldn t deal with the prospect of

T S NO SECRET THAT MORAL POSTURING IS THE DEFAULT OF THE 3TUDENTS 5NION BUT THE MORALS IN QUESTION DO OFTEN PROVE TO BE SOMEWHAT DIS POSABLE THINGS The new favourite plastered around the Union building are notes that the Union promotes responsible drinking, on the bottom of Drink The Bar Dry posters. It flies in the face of the whole point of the event: one last gloriously irresponsiblechance to lose control of your self-restraint and gag reflex with your friends before the end of term.

The Union has something called the SOUL campaign, a Save Our Union Licence plan to stop students from disturbing people on their way home. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behind the people handing out lollies on and off throughout the year, to try and make you keep your trap shut when you go home.

The Union also puts out a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Unityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; newsletter to its neighbours to keep them informed about what is going on.

Very commendable, but in the case of the SOUL campaign, based on flimsy half-truths.

First off, it quotes a local AM as saying that the Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Union is the â&#x20AC;&#x153;only licensee still adhering to the voluntary agreement discouraging drinks promotionsâ&#x20AC;?. That would be the same Union that has cheaper drinks than Meths Night down at the homeless shelter.

More impressively, it also notes that the Union â&#x20AC;&#x153;has not sought to extend opening hours beyond those previously agreedâ&#x20AC;?. Well, until it got its licence extended to 4am.

The Union says these werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t central tenets of the campaign, but just notes in supplement to it.

But does that really change the fact that the Union is telling neighbours one thing, before disregarding it and doing something completely different?

The Union only maintains morals on a pragmatic basis â&#x20AC;&#x201C; as soon as they get in the way of some other benefit, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re shed like a snakeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s skin.

&ACELESS

3

O "ERLINER EH 7EEKS OF FRANTIC WORK HAVE PAID OFF BUT THERE ARE DEFINITELY A FEW PROBLEMS WITH GOING 'UARDIAN Byline photos, it turns out, were created just to mock writers. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been happily slumming in facial anonymity on these pages for six months, and now look whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s happened. Yes, hello puddingface, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m talking about you.

Be reassured that in person I look more like the offspring of Mark and Jeremy in Peep Show; Peter Crouch; or Hugh Grant left in a test tube too long.

So the next time you think that wall to wall colour, pin-sharp digital printing and well-designed space is a good idea, just think of all the ugly, mewling faces up on the fourth floor and reconsider.

being famous , (apart from asking what on earth he thought was going to happen when he entered the house in the first place) he needn t have worried about impending fame.

Getting into the house might be relatively straight forward, but sooner or later you will also have to come out again and in two weeks no-one will remember you wasting your time anyway.

The real pity is that George s time spent in the house has just slowed the rest of us down a little bit more.

"" S .)++) ! REAL PITY

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4HE POLITICS OF FAITH

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s time that religious beliefs stopped undermining democracy The monarchy is useless, but we should not get rid of it

)

!

S ANYONE WHO HAS PLAYED THE POST PUB FAVOURITE "ALDERDASH WILL KNOW !MERICA WHEN TAKING BREAKS FROM PURSUING ITS FAVOURITE HOBBY BESTOWING FREEDOM THROUGH THE BARREL OF A GUN n SPENDS ITS TIME REVEALING THE DEPTHS TO WHICH DEMOC RACY CAN SINK BY IMPLEMENTING THE MOST RIDICULOUS MUNICIPAL LAWS ON THE PLANET Amongst the innumerable gawp-inducing regulations, lurking in the nooks and crannies of the land of the free, there exists such gems as the law in California, which states that it is illegal to eat oranges in a bathtub. The law in Indiana, which forbids men who have a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;tendency to habitually kiss other humansâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; from growing a moustache and, my personal favourite, the law in Texas, which asserts that it is illegal to put graffiti on someone elseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cow. With your own cow, presumably, you can get out the spray cans and just go nuts.

A somewhat less humorous and, sadly, far more unsurprising law is currently causing problems for Fondray Loving and Olivia Shelltrack - a couple of 13 years, who have recently moved with their two children and Oliviaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s daughter, who calls Fondray her father, to the quiet town of Black Jack, Missouri.

The law in Texas asserts it is illegal to put graffiti on someone elseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cow Loving and Shelltrack have found themselves facing the possibility of $500a-day fines simply because they are not married. For in the quiet town of Black Jack, Missouri, it is not the mustachioed smoochers or orange-chomping bathers who are breaking the law: it is persons who live in a group of more than three and are not bound by blood or marriage.

According to the mayor of Black Jack, Norman McCourt, this Orwellian law exists to prevent overcrowding. Last time I checked, however, getting married usually resulted in the arrival of more people, not less. In reality, the regulation is a barely masked attempt to enforce the archaic morals and values of the Christian right.

Black Jack remains hopelessly entrenched in the antiquated doctrines of the church, in which the modern world is regarded as a dark cloud of decadence, festering in the depravity that autonomy brings. Loving and Shelltrack do not adhere to Black Jackâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s definition of family, and they have been told to get married or get out.

The plight of this family â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and it is a family - is symptomatic of the continual disturbing power of the church to trample

!247/2+ 7ILL $EAN all over civil liberties. When Lord Joffeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bill for assisted dying recently went up against the House of Lords the great room, usually conspicuously empty of men of the cloth, had mysteriously spawned bishop after bishop from somewhere beneath its dark brown pews. The bill, which would allow those terminally ill and in unbearable pain to choose the time of their death, has overwhelming public support - 80 percent support change. But this didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter to the bishops. The words of the Bishop of Leicester sum up their inflexible position: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Human beings do not have an absolute right to choose when to die. This, in my view, is a gift from God.â&#x20AC;? The bishops voted, and the bill was wrecked.

The sabotage of Joffeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bill revealed just how pernicious and determined the church can be when it feels the need to flex its ecumenical muscles. The huge crusade embarked upon by the church, â&#x20AC;&#x153;the biggest political campaign in church history,â&#x20AC;? according to Mark Slattery of pro-euthanasia charity Dignity, included swathes of anti-euthanasia literature, vicious propaganda and categorical lies. In the Catholic Times, an article slating the bill was accompanied by a picture of children killed in Nazi medical experiments. Such crude deceptions, one could argue, are not very Christian at all, but this does not seem

to matter; such moral quibbles are subsumed by the need to propagate the ancient beliefs, and save the modern masses from themselves.

It is a shameful stain on our democratic system that, in a nation in which a tiny proportion shares the bishopsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; faith, they are nonetheless able to block the democratic process. Whilst the separation between church and state in our country may be a fragile and oft neglected division with Reverend Tony at the helm, in the instance of Lord Joffeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s bill this crucial barrier has been not so much bent as obliterated by the dogged white-clothed hordes. Reform in the House of Lords should now be a fundamental necessity.

A defence often cited in discussions about the actions of the church is that you cannot blame people for the actions they undertake because of their faith. And this has a degree of truth to it â&#x20AC;&#x201C; if a person believes with every nuance of their being that each life is given and taken away at the whim of a creator, that there is a grand plan for every individual, then it becomes difficult to criticise their vociferous attempts to prevent euthanasia laws. But faith, no matter how strong, does not give a person the right to infringe upon civil liberties. And the right to die - like the right to live, and the right to reside, unmarried,

in a house with partner and children - is exactly that.

For us teeth-gnashing atheists, the power of the church to affect the civil liberties of both the godly and the godless masses can be a frustration that is difficult to bear. Religious principles are often so intractable, so ingrained in the morality of a past, less sophisticated era, that their application in the modern world brings forth an intolerable discord.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a shameful stain that the democratic process can be blocked What we must do is stand up to the religious and fight for our civil liberties as fervently as they fight for their faith. If we do not, other children like Katarina Loving, the ten-year-old daughter of the couple who face eviction from Black Jack, will continue to be forced to ask, â&#x20AC;&#x153;My mom and dad love each other. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the big deal?â&#x20AC;?

And how do you answer a question like that? opinion@gairrhydd.com

7HAT S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT SUNTANS .

OEL #OWARD ONCE WROTE THAT ONLY MAD DOGS AND !LAN 3HEARER GO OUT IN THE MIDDAY SUN 7ELL NOT QUITE BUT IF THE GREAT WIT HAD BEEN WATCHING THE FORMER %NGLAND CAPTAIN ON PUNDIT DUTY DURING %NGLAND S DEFEAT OF *AMAICA HE MAY HAVE FOUND HIMSELF A NEW SET OF LYRICS Did you see Shearer? Since retiring last month the famous fence-creosoter looked like heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d turned the paintbrush on himself.

At least after Messrs Atkinson, Venables and Lineker, Shearer was continuing a long line of tikka-tinged talking heads.

But that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go for Cardiff students.

After nearly a full year of grey skies and drizzle it surprised precisely no-one when, as soon as the sun even threatened to come out, the sandals and miniskirts appeared with a regularity not seen since the Lib Demsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; last leadership campaign.

This isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t a problem. Everyone looks much prettier in the sun, indeed no less an authority than McFly sang only last year about â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;those summer girlsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; being â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;really something elseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, and they were right. A nice warm glow does seem to surround the population of the city in the summertime.

Even if Cathays does look like itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just kidnapped the Quiksilver shorts and Oakley sunglasses-sporting cast of an advert for Tourism Australia.

But some of us (and by some I mean girls) seem to have a sadistic fascination with getting suntanned. Yes ladies it does make you look a bit nicer, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not worth wasting whole days turning your

back salmon-coloured just so you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t look quite so ghostly for a few months.

Boys, on the other hand, cheat. By playing football in the park with no top on for hours they can easily get a nice tan â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;by accidentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, as if they accidentally lost the cloth from their backs. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not to mention the few that have come out as sunbed users. Come on now.

At least sun beds are relatively quick and pain free (if you discount the skin cancer). In and out in three minutes with your tan. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the spirit. Sunbathing is painfully monotonous... Go to beach. Put down towel. Try and read book or the paper. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;tryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; because unless you have pillows and super good sunglasses then the sunâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s glare and you neckâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pain will force you to give up within a matter of minutes.

Then either fall asleep and get so burnt that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t shower for a week or get bored and go for a swim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; forgetting how lovely salt water tastes.

And thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s at the bloody beach. Try sunbathing in my garden. If the rats arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t nibbling at your toes (I wish that was a joke), or your landlord isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t emptying ovens from 1973 from the garage, then itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be the stench of week-old bin bags that make you scurry back inside like the rats youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been trying to block out of the kitchen with empty pizza boxes.

There is, thankfully, one conclusion. If itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a summer day and you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be bothered going to play sport in the park (and, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s be honest, have you tried running in hot weather recently?) thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s always the trusty old stalwart of the beer garden.

Those that want wrinkly skin and solarinduced migraines can sit on the grass while you and the other sensible folk cower under a Stella Artois-branded sun brolly.

Just think how much youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll save in sun cream. deputyeditor@gairrhydd.com

T WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE 1UEEN S CORONATION LAST &RIDAY 3HE S ALSO JUST TURNED BUT THAT S POSITIVELY YOUTHFUL COMPARED TO THE MEDIEVAL NOTION OF HAVING A MONARCH From Prince Charlesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; political meddling to Prince Harryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s infamous decision to party as a Nazi, the Royal Family has repeatedly shown a knack for the misguided, inept and downright foolish. Why do we, a democratic country at the beginning of the 21st century, still have such an anachronistic and pointless institution as the monarchy, especially when theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re often such idiots?

The idea that there is one family that is somehow more deserving or better suited to running the country than anyone else is clearly odious. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Born to reign over usâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;? I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think so. If some distant ancestor of yours was able to win a battle or two and start bossing other people around, that wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make you any more worthy of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;reigning over usâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

One of the key principles of a democratic state is having checks and balances on power. This isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t just on the grounds that everyone is deserving of power, but also because everyone is likely to be corrupted by power. You only have to look back in history to see some of the mad, bad or incompetent kings that have ruled the country.

The Monarchy has, thankfully, long since ceased to have any real power. But since the monarchy doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t actually do much, this raises the question of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s it for?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Surely if it has ceased to have any real power, then we should get rid of it?

Well, no, actually.

There was a time when the monarchy actually did lay claim to the right to rule over us. In those times, it would have been worth fighting tooth and nail against such oppression and lies to win democratic freedoms. Something of the sort happened in the English Civil War, and Charles I had his head chopped off.

Unfortunately, when Oliver Cromwell made himself Lord Protector, he was effectively king in all but name. It rather defeated the point of that exercise, and before long the country had decided theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d had enough of this republic lark and wanted a King again.

By simple merit of their pointlessness, the Royal Family are now â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;mostly harmlessâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. Getting rid of them would be a bit like the Welsh insisting on the demolition of the castles up and down the country because they are symbols of English tyranny. Several hundred years ago, there might have been a case for that, but several hundred years ago, things were very different. To remove these old ruins now would be a terrible act of historical and cultural vandalism - and the same applies to the castles.

The Royal Family also provide a nice little soap opera for us to follow. Just imagine a world without Prince Andrew to insult foreign heads of state, for example.

Unfortunately the tabloids sometimes make life for the Royals rather like being on The Truman Show. But there is, sadly, very little chance of abolishing the Express and Daily Mail, as appealing as it might seem.

The monarchy is an interesting white elephant to have on the mantelpiece of the country, and attracts a pretty penny in tourism. It might not seem a good idea to encourage those American tourists intent on â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;doing Englandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; by cooing over such ancient and crumbling oddities such as the Tower of London, the NHS and the Queen. However, such people usually have oodles of money. If we can persuade them to part with their money in exchange for commemorative replica Buckingham Palaces then good for us. As one of the few countries in the world with a surviving monarchy, we should be proud of our history and culture.

So, yes, the monarchy is powerless and virtually useless but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s simply not worth getting rid of. Britain would be a poorer, duller place without the antics of the House of Windsor. The Monarchy is useless, long live the Monarchy. opinion@gairrhydd.com

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$READFUL STATE FOR GAY REFUGEES The asylum process is prejudiced against those persecuted because of their sexuality

!247/2+ 7ILL $EAN

2

EMEMBER )SRAFIL 3HIRI AND (USSEIN .ASSERI 0ROBABLY NOT PEOPLE LIKE THEM ARE QUICKLY FOR GOTTEN ) WROTE ABOUT THEM AT THE START OF THE YEAR (USSEIN SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD IN AN %ASTBOURNE CAR PARK )SRAFIL SET HIMSELF ON FIRE IN A -ANCHESTER OFFICE "ETTER THAT THEY THOUGHT THAN BEING DEPORTED BACK TO )RAN I also mentioned a third â&#x20AC;&#x201C; â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;ATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, whose last appeal for asylum was rejected in July. Now 30, AT had first committed the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;crimeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; that led to him fleeing Iran at the age of 14, with a young man called Dawood. He has since been disowned by his entire family, save one uncle.

Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still in the UK, living in northwest England. Although his previous entitlement to 38 pounds per week benefit has now been revoked, he has at least avoided the fate of Mahmoud Asgari, Mehdi Barazandeh, Ayaz Marhoni, Farbod Mostaar, Ahmad Chooka and the 4000 others that Human Rights Watch estimates have been executed in Iran since the 1979 revolution â&#x20AC;&#x201C; all of them for being gay.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not just Iranian men, of course. At 6.05am on June 2 - as I was lying prematurely awake, nursing a hangover and wondering what to do with my day - a KLM flight left Manchester airport for Entebbe-Kampala. One seat was booked for Elizabeth, a Ugandan lesbian who had also lost her last appeal for asylum, and was to be sent back to the country from which she had fled in 2004.

Elizabeth had received the much-feared late-night knock on the door after being seen at an underground gay club. She was detained for five months, during which time she was repeatedly beaten, whipped and raped by government goons. (One wonders what they say - when they go home to their wives, or to their mothers in response to the question â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;what did you do at work today?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; The honest answer is surely unpalatable.) She has not heard from her long-term partner since.

Elizabethâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s solicitor stated that telling the confused, frightened woman, who suffers from rape trauma syndrome and posttraumatic stress, that she had lost her appeal was â&#x20AC;&#x153;delivering what feels like a death sentenceâ&#x20AC;?. Her legal team was scheduled to present medical evidence by

Those accused of crimes are given the benefit of the doubt; refugees are not

last Thursday, nearly a week after she was deported - the Home Office wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wait.

Her solicitor went on to say: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I imagine that Elizabeth will be dead within the six days that meant so much to [immigration minister] Liam Byrneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s deputy.â&#x20AC;?

Failed by the country she had believed would understand, Elizabeth helped herself: somehow, she summoned the courage to resist being forced onto the plane. Her deportation was rescheduled for yesterday morning. With luck, the Home Office will have found the time to consider the new evidence, and Elizabeth will be allowed to stay.

Obviously the entire asylum and immigration system in this country is in a dreadful state (as sex-for-asylum revelations show particularly spectacularly) so to write only on gay and lesbian refugees is perhaps a narrow focus. But they are dealt with uniquely by that system: there is no explicit policy stating the right to claim asylum due to persecution on the grounds of sexual orientation, it is rather included under the broad umbrella of the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;social groupâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; element of the part of the 1951 UN Refugee Convention that defines legitimacy of refugee status; there are no measures to prevent abuse of gay refugees in detention centres; and immigration officers are not provided with training on sexual orientation awareness.

That last point applies particularly to

Elizabeth: the Home Office did not accept that â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;homosexualâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; includes lesbians, and werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sure she was a lesbian at all, as she had had a daughter when she was younger.

It also elucidates the reversal of the burden of proof compared to criminal cases, based on the principle that it is better to let ten guilty men go free than to jail one innocent man - those accused of crimes are given te benefit of the doubt; refugees are not. Gay asylum seekers must not only demonstrate that their home country persecutes homosexuals, but that they have been specifically targeted by it â&#x20AC;&#x201C; and in some cases that they are actually gay at all.

(And though the Home Office refuses to comment, the MP for my home constituency, Helen Goodman, tells me that registration of a civil partnership is not sufficient.)

Cases such as ATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s have entrenched the principle that gay refugees are also expected to exercise discretion that would not be demanded of religious or racial groups â&#x20AC;&#x201C; expected to go home and sneak around if possible, and live a sexless non-life otherwise. Though couched in politer language, the message is essentially: â&#x20AC;&#x153;donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t act like a fairy and you wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get gay-bashedâ&#x20AC;?.

They are also wide open to the prejudice of individual officials: during the verdict on ATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s case, Judge John Freeman spoke of his â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;cĂ´terieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and described a video they had made as showing â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;unseemly activityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; â&#x20AC;&#x201C; they were kissing.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a prejudice not unique to 50-something judges. One of the responses to the aforementioned August column, probably not a minority opinion, claimed, â&#x20AC;&#x153;We just canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let everybody in.â&#x20AC;? Well, no; of course we canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t, and with 1.5 million unemployed Brits thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s certainly a case against continuing to accept 150,000 economic migrants each year. But letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s look beyond tabloid-fuelled hysteria for a second. To adapt an advert once featuring (immigrantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s daughter) Jennifer Aniston: here come the statistics â&#x20AC;&#x201C; concentrate.

Over the last ten years, the UK has received an average of 35,000 asylum applications, of which 7,500 are approved (so far around 30 in total on grounds of sexuality). Even if every application were accepted, it would take more than 17 years to increase the population by just one per cent. Compare this to Macedonia, who took in 20 per cent of their population as refugees during the break-up of Yugoslavia, and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see that there is plenty of room at the inn.

In fact, only two per cent of the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s refugees come to Britain. Some of the others end up in the most unlikely places. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Samâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, another gay Iranian, fled the country last year after escaping a honeytrap set by the basiji â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Iranâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s religious parapolice.

He is now in Pakistan, a country with significant Human Rights problems of its own, mostly with regard to women: you may recall that I have previously quoted a friend volunteering in Pakistan as saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;a woman may be killed if she is seen at any time talking alone with a man, for they are considered to be having a sexual relationship; a woman may be arrested if she reports being raped to the police; and if a man commits a crime, his sister may be raped by up to twelve men as punishment.â&#x20AC;?

Whilst there, she made a determined and deliberate effort to challenge gender stereotypes â&#x20AC;&#x201C; something that will undoubtedly facilitate the liberalisation and growing tolerance that to a certain degree is happening on its own. Remember, too, that in Britain homosexuals were jailed up until 1967 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; notably, in 1952, wartime codebreaker and father of computing Alan Turing, who was forced to undergo hormone treatment to reduce his libido, and committed suicide as a result.

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve come a long way since then, but cases such as AT and Elizabethâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s show that it isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t far enough. One day we may not have to take in refugees persecuted for their sexuality. Until then, while we may not be able to save them all, we can at least help the few that ask for it. opinion@gairrhydd.com

0OOR OLD *OHN 0RESCOTT *

OHN 0RESCOTT HAS HAD A HARD TIME OF IT LATELY )N FACT WITH ATTACKS FROM ALL SIDES n JOURNALISTS THE 4ORIES HIS OWN PARTY n IT IS SOMETHING OF A WONDER THAT HE HAS RESISTED BOTH A CALL FOR HIS HEAD AND A CALL TO ARMS &OR *OHN 0RESCOTT DOES NOT BACK DOWN FROM SUCH SITUATIONS AND IT IS A SIGN OF THE WEAKENING OF THE ,ABOUR 'OVERNMENT THAT HE HAS NOT IN HIS OWN "RITISH "ULLDOG WAY COME OUT FIGHTING 9ET Had almost any other male member of the Cabinet ended up in the situation â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Prezzaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; now finds himself in, a Ministerial Resignation On Personal Grounds would have been on the cards; a petulant, but most importantly quiet, backdoor exit. An army of government spin doctors would have caught the poor sod (â&#x20AC;&#x153;He jumped, mâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ludâ&#x20AC;?), and even though all the Kingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s horses and all the Kingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s men couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t put his reputation back together again, Humped-Her Dumped-Her would enjoy a comfortable retirement on the backbenches. But Prescott is a tough egg

to crack, and as a number of sources have suggested, he wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go down unless he takes Blair with him.

Considering he survived the backlash from a number of his own atrocities, it would be relatively unfortunate for the Prime Minister if his downfall was brought about by a loose-cannon of a deputy. Yet the fault is as much Blairâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s as anybodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, for it was he who reduced Prescottâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s governmental importance to the political equivalent of Theo Walcott. In short, Prescott has nothing to do. Having been stripped of his duties as Head of Transport, Environment and the Regions, he is now little more than a stand-in to run the country when Blair is abroad. â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Run the countryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; is a suitably vague term â&#x20AC;&#x201C; in such a temporary role, Prescottâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s actions as acting Prime Minister are severely limited.

Essentially, all he has to do until the boss returns is claim responsibility for any successes, deny responsibility for any calamities, and smile.

It is more than likely that this is the cause of the recent scandal surrounding the temping PM playing croquet on the grounds of his grace-and-favour estate.

Prescott wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t doing anything wrong â&#x20AC;&#x201C; he just wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t doing anything. And this is probably exactly what Tony Blair asked of him. Upon leaving, Tonyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s final words may well have been, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Do as little work as you like, John - just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t balls it up.

Actually, just stay as far away from No. 10

as possible.â&#x20AC;? And he did. He retreated to his six-figure sum kennel and patiently waited for his master to return.

Boredom quite possibly explains Prescottâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s affair with his secretary, too.

Naturally, we cannot blame such an offence solely on a lack of things to do, but it certainly wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have been a case of â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Thanks for last night, but I have to go before Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m late for work.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; (In any case, it would have been gentlemanly of Prezza to escort the lady the next morning to her adjoining office; this is, of course, if they werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t already there. But such talk is probably best left to the Daily Star.) It seems likely that there was some encouragement on Ms Templeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s part, but one would hope flirting with the boss was not a habit of hers, especially as her previous employer was the sadly-departed Mo Mowlam. The mind boggles.

The croquet affair will undoubtedly further damage John Prescottâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reputation. An overwhelmingly female proportion of public opinion already demands a forced resignation after his desecration of the Temple, and the croquet incident will fuel accusations that he needs a real job of some description. Whether this will be the end of him is another matter. If Prescottâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s biographer Colin Brown is right in saying he will hang on until Blair stands down, he could remain Deputy Prime Minister for some time yet. There certainly seems no reason for haste on the back of the latest

scandal. Playing croquet is not a sin; indeed, it is a quintessentially New Labour pastime. It attempts to appeal to all social spheres, but while being intrinsically linked to the socialist working-classes (mallet and sickle), croquet is associated largely with the bourgeois middle and upper-classes - like a less elitist polo.

Sources have suggested Prescott wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go down unless he takes Blair with him Nobody really likes it.

Croquet has a fascinating history in politics. Like Terry Wogan, croquet was invented by the Irish in the 1830s before being taken by the English to be enjoyed by the aristocracy (this is completely true).

A less known fact is that an early form of the game existed in ancient Roman, and was particularly enjoyed by the Emperor Nero, who allegedly â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;played croquet while Rome burned.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Throughout history, major figures such as Henry VIII and Charles Darwin are thought to have played croquet, which has now developed into the form we see John Prescott playing today.

He is not alone in his love of the game: French politician Jacques Chirac used its popularity in France to win a Presidential

election over Jean-Marie Le Pen with the controversial slogan â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Vote For Croquet, Not The Fascistâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

Prescott should not be fired for playing croquet when he was meant to be governing the country in Blairâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s absence. His affair with Ms Temple, however, may mean he gets the chop. There is an old joke being bandied about lately, namely: How Is John Prescott Like A Purchase From Ikea? A Couple Of Screws In The Wrong Place And The Whole Cabinet Falls Apart.

It would be more accurate, but less amusing, to say that even after reshuffle nearly all the screws are in the wrong place, and without a solid base to support them, but this may be missing the point.

It is safe to say at least that Prescott is not the only culprit. There have been calls for his resignation, but a more sensible act would be to remove the office of the Deputy Prime Minister altogether, bestowing the honour of Deputy upon another senior Cabinet member who has duties of his or her own. The â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;herâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; is not just included for purposes of female equality: Constitutional Affairs Minister Harriet Harman has demanded there be one PM and two deputies, of whom one must be a woman. This would be unlikely to solve any problems, but if another secretary affair did occur, it would provide a more pleasant mental image than that of John Prescott in his pants.

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4HE COMPLACENCY MUST STOP

4

HE RESULTS OF THE GAIR RHYDD INVESTIGATION INTO HOW STUDENTS TREAT THEIR PERSONAL DETAILS AND SENSITIVE INFORMATION ARE HIGH LY ALARMING AND SHOULD SERVE AS A MUCH NEEDED WAKE UP CALL FOR US ALL With identity fraud on the increase nationally, the trend towards complacency displayed on a daily basis by students here in Cardiff is both worrying in the extreme and one which cannot be allowed to continue.

Simply gaining possession of an individualâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s address and current account information could potentially be enough to apply for credit cards in their name and begin the process of running up hefty bills.

Figures released by UK Fraud Prevention Service CIFAS show a quarterly increase of over 17 per cent in ID fraud, representing some 16,000 individual victims this year alone, with many of those affected completely oblivious to the situation before it was too late.

As students facing the start of the summer vaca-

tion we might â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;feel like it will never happen to usâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, however, there is a much darker side to ID fraud, such as the 2004 case involving the Yorkshire flying doctor, Dr Grout, who was labelled guilty until innocent by the media after it was alleged that he had accessed websites containing pornographic images of children following his ID being stolen.

The case of Dr Grout should bring home the real nature of the problem for students looking to take the next step in their life, which more often than not involves stepping onto the career ladder. Being in a situation like this can often tarnish oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reputation beyond the loss of a few friends as an individualâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s innocence can take many months to prove.

While there are no cast-iron guarantees that fraudsters will never be able to use any personal information they can gain access to for their advantage, following our investigation it appears that Cardiff students arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even doing the basics right.

As we reveal, personal information was found quite literally littering the streets of Cardiff, or poorly disposed of. In addition to which, many students

living in shared accommodation freely admit receiving mail addressed to previous tenants containing personal details.

Although expecting every student in Cardiff to shred each and every one of their unwanted personal documents is more of a pipe dream than a reality, simply ripping up any unwanted documents goes at least some of the way to limiting the chances of you becoming a victim.

As we approach the annual period of housing musical chairs in the areas of Cardiff heavily populated by students, it is vital that as potential targets you take time out to call those companies that send statements to your home and ensure they re-direct your mail to your new address. Although this may sound like common sense, the situation in Cardiff currently contradicts this widely held belief.

ID fraud appears to be emerging as on of the major problems for our generation: now is the time to get into good habits regarding disposal of personal information, before things like mortgage documents begin to land on the doormat.

%.$ /& 4(% 342)+%3

3TUDENTS ARE THE LOSERS

4

HE END OF THE LECTURERS STRIKE OUGHT TO BE A REASON TO REJOICE 4HOSE WORRIED ABOUT SPENDING THE EARLY DAYS OF *ULY WORKING IN A CALL CENTRE RATHER THAN DOFFING THEIR MORTAR BOARD AT 3T $AVID S (ALL CAN NOW RELAX 'RADUATION THE UNIVERSITY TELLS US WILL GO AHEAD AS PLANNED However, this is only because the university has devised a system to give students grades based on â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;instances when Examination Boards have the necessary informationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. What on Earth does that mean?

Presumably, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s presumably because like almost all the information given to us by the university is deathly vague, this means looking at students whose previous work is firmly between grades. If a student only had one striking lecturer then, yes, with previous termsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; grades and marked work from this year then one moduleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worth of grades wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mean the difference between a 2:1 and a First.

But, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a big but, if a student in a school like Business has all (or a fair few of) their lecturers striking and six exams that assess the whole year, then

their mark would be incalculable. A bad second year could be offset by a tremendous final year, or viceversa.

If a student is on 45 per cent and performed badly this term then there is a fair chance they might fail.

Would the University award them a degree only to later have to take it away from them? Would someone on 35 per cent fail before finding out that they had pegged back their grades?

Vice-Chancellor David Grant tells us that the arrangements between the university and the UCU (newly formed lecturersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; union) will â&#x20AC;&#x153;protect the high-value and standing of qualifications earned at Cardiff Universityâ&#x20AC;?.

There are too many variables in examinations for these proposals to work. If students are graduating without any idea of their degree classification, grade or even if theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve passed then our degrees, whatever Grant and the universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s crack Public Relations team claim, will be irrevocably tainted.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s only because far too many arrangements have already been made for graduation (venues, recep-

tions, parents staying in hotels etc) that the university dare not move the ceremonies back. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s true, it would be a logistical nightmare, but the University has known about these strikes for months. Better back-up plans should have been made.

If the Freedom of Information Act hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t made it impossible for lecturers to pre-mark work during the strike (knowing that the University, or indeed individual students, could demand scripts back â&#x20AC;&#x201C; rendering the strike useless) we wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be in this mess either.

Neither side has come out of this looking good.

Fortunately for them, though, the main losers here are the students who wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be here for much longer.

At this point though, all we can do is put our grievances to one side and trust that lecturers and university officials care enough to sort this out as quickly and as accurately as possible.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s disgusting that after three years this is the sour taste final-year students will leave Cardiff with. The University should be ashamed of itself.

#!2$)&& 3 4/0 !24)343

0REDICTABLE BUT RELIABLE !

H THE MAGAZINE POLL 4HAT TRUSTY BAROME TER OF HOW PEOPLE HAVE WILDLY DIFFERENT OPINIONS AND WHEN GROUPED TOGETHER

2ADIOHEAD ARE USUALLY AT THE TOP Well, not in this case. The first ever poll of Cardiff studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; music tastes proved one of two things.

Either most people at Cardiff like guitar music, or the people most inclined to vote were guitar music fans.

But thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s by-the-by; the list of 50 includes a fairly

diverse list of characters (ish) as well as the usual suspects (Radiohead, Nirvana etc).

Unsurprisingly, though, the Beatles topped the list of your favourite bands. Despite dominating all bestof lists in the 1990s when Oasis et al brought Lennon and McCartneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s music back to the fore, the Liverpudlians have slipped back away from the radar recently - excluding McCartneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s high-profile separation from his wife.

So, suffice to say, it brought a smile to our face to see the greatest British songwriters of all time recognised at a time when half of the nationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s youth seems to idolise the likes of Pete Doherty.

Yes, John Lennon was a heroin addict but at least he wrote Strawberry Fields Forever before trying to destroy himself. So, well done Cardiff, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve made some good selections. Just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mention Jack Johnson being at number ten...

4(% "%2,).%2

)CH BIN EIN ETC ETC 3

O IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS ,AST *UNE AND THE *UNE BEFORE THAT PREVIOUS GAIR RHYDD EDI TORS PUSHED THE PROVERBIAL BOAT OUT TO TRANSFER THE NORMAL TABLOID SIZED GAIR RHYDD TO A BROADSHEET FORMAT FOR ONE WEEK ONLY .O MEAN FEAT n THE BROADSHEETS WERE SEEN BY MANY AS A GREAT STRIDE FORWARD IN STUDENT MEDIA "UT THE THING WITH BROADSHEETS ISx THEY RE A BIT BIG AREN T THEY So, when we started planning for the end of this

year, and the acompanying special edition, we thought, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;why not?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; So, skip forward a few months, some frantic midessay/exam/normal print-run redesigning, some hectic liasing with often over-accomodating people at the Guardian offices, and here we are. You hold in your hands the first ever student Berliner-sized newspaper, and only the third newspaper in this format in the UK. The frantic schedules of most of our team at exam

time have had to be accomodated, alongside the small matter of redesigning the whole paper while still producing tabloid editions. Still, we did it - just about - and weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re hoping itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be an interesting souvenir of your time in Cardiff.

Of course you could be involved in making gair rhydd next year. Contrary to popular belief, we are always looking for people to help. Come and see us at the freshersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; fair in September. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have a lot of fun. We certainly have.

/0).)/.

gairrhydd #/-

THANK YOU 4(% ()'(3 THIS YEAR OF WHICH THERE HAVE BEEN A GREAT AND VARIED MANY AND THE LOWS WHICH ALTHOUGH THERE HAVE BEEN FEWER REMAIN PERHAPS BETTER @DOCUMENTED MAKE IT HARD TO AVOID CERTAIN CLICHÂŁS SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME AS ) SAY A FEW WELL DESERVED WORDS OF THANKS The following have worked much harder and much longer than me this year, all I can take credit for, if anything, is pointing them towards a Mac and handing them the keys. %LAINE, your name is synonymous with dedication to the cause. Just, thank you.

Likewise to all the proofers who have run fresh eyes over the weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pages long after mine were beyond tired.

7ILL, where to start? There is no doubt that you are one of the finest fourth-floor staffers to ever have contributed to Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s print media. Quench has been awesome. You truly are among the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;greatsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; of the office and already have the ability to go on and be even better. For keeping me on the straight and narrow this year Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll forever be in your debt. #ARRIE #HARISSA and $AN, thanks for sharing the late nights and early mornings.

Pizza will never taste the same again. Each week you have led from the front and kept News reading well and looking outstanding. %MTAGE, although you have now moved on, thank you for taking care of Ed Op and ensuring that the quirky featured alongside the serious in equal measure.

-ENON. Words. Cannot. Describe. How can you spend ten hours on a page? Your dedication speaks for itself. Stick at it.

Perhaps learn a few keyboard shortcuts, eh?

'EORDIE, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been emotional. An experienced fourth-floor veteran whose wise words have provided counsel or a slap round the face, often both, when most needed.

-ICKEL, both political and opinionated in the same year, the column has been brilliant, long live controversy. Enjoy Canada. .ESS & ,AURA, the healthiest girls on the staff, apart from the drinking, thanks for teaching me things I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know.

(EATHER, working with you has always been a pleasure, I will miss your smiles, and organisational skill. Thanks for bringing a bit of Xpress with you this year. ,OIS & +ATHRYN, diolch i chi am sicrhau bod Taf Od yn parhauâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n rhan annatod oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r papur. Mi fyddai gair rhydd eleni wedi bod yn dlotach o lawer heb eich ymroddiad.

-EGAN, Grab has been awesome this year. A crucial part of keeping the freebiehungry students happy; thanks for blagging continuously on all our behalfs. #ERI, how you handled your workload I will never know. Science has always been interesting; good luck with the EU. (OLLY, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been filthy. Amber will remain with me for years to cum, thanks for the smiles and the cut out and keep collection.

46 $ESK, as one of the most work-intensive sections, I hope its got a bit easier this year. Your pages bring uniqueness to gair rhydd which is hard to define; please just keep on doing what you do. .ICKY, taking on Jobs has been an epic undertaking; thanks for keeping your finger on the pulse of broke students everywhere.

7ILL, if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s on itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in. Listings has been consistently well-written and superbly designed. I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t say fairer than that.

Cheers. %D & 4IM, ta for the banter, the innuendo filled headlines have made me smile.

Without you thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d have been less meat.

0AV 0EROU & 'ASSON, any time of the day or night I knew the required photograph would, between you, make it onto the page.

Thanks for shooting things for us all year. ' 5NIT, when you said you wanted to get involved... little did I know. Without you things wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have happened. Just look around to see the difference.

0ERRI & 3OPHIE. Thanks for News and Ed Op respectively. You are more than capable of taking Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s student media to the next level. Between you, you can achieve anything. Best of luck with everything.

To #AROLINE, thank you for putting up with all the late nights and the gair rhydd taking over my life, you really are a star I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have coped without.

Finally, to all the writers and readers, friends and enemies as well as anyone else who has picked up a paper in Cardiff or online anywhere in the world this year, I hope you agree weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve done alright.

4OM 7ELLINGHAM %DITOR

gairrhydd

,%44%23

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gairrhydd #/-

"ORDERLINE ILLITERATE

4EXTUAL )NNUENDO

$EAR GAIR RHYDD

!4 ! 4)-% 7(%. UNIVERSITY EDUCATION IS AT THE FOREFRONT OF NATIONAL DEBATE

FROM TOP UP FEES TO LECTURERS STRIKES n IT S WORTH REFLECTING ON THE VALUE OF A DEGREE IN #ARDIFF After four years, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m days away from qualifying with a postgraduate qualification to add to my undergraduate degree.

Luckily, the last year as a postgrad has served a very worthwhile purpose. Sadly, I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t say the same about my three years as an undergrad.

I love Cardiff. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve loved being a student and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve loved the time my studies, or lack thereof, has afforded me to do the other things I enjoy. But apart from a few vocational courses, does university really prepare anyone for the real world? I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think so.

I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t dream of re-opening the old wounds of the oft-debated science versus humanities debate. Each to their own and everyone has their own talents.

But the problem is this. Thousands of undergrad students claim their degrees are worthwhile, allowing a certain scope for critical thought, an appreciation of the written word and a knowledge of what has gone before, even if they are not timeintensive.

But, from my experience, the overwhelming majority of graduates are borderline illiterates, with no concept of how to structure a sentence, let alone spell the words within it. How can anyone expect to be taken seriously in the workplace when that vital email they send to their boss is littered with basic errors?

My fellow graduates embarrass me.

Even those who purport to be writers â&#x20AC;&#x201C; including those whose views appear in this paper on a weekly basis â&#x20AC;&#x201C; make basic mistakes which betray a lack of intelligence, or worse, a lack of care.

It continually amazes me how so many supposedly educated people can have

Text gair rhydd on: 07791 165 837 (!#+3 */-%# "IG BROTHERS WATCHING ME "UT I M NOT WATCHING "IG "ROTHER 4HAT GUY FROM /RSON NEEDS TO TAKE THAT FUCKING HAT OFF /OOH LOOK AT ME ) WEAR A HAT 7HAT A TWIT 7HY AREN T THERE ANY DEGREES IN PROCRASTINATION 0LEASE PUT THIS IN THE BERLINER EDI TION ) WANT A PLACE IN HISTORY 36# EXEC MEETING TH OF *UNE "RING A CAKE

$)#4)/.!29 ,EARN HOW TO USE ONE such a lack of regard for their own language. Not a foreign language, but their own. There can be no doubt text messaging and emails have hastened the demise of English. But to those who arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so moronic as to confuse â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;yourâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;reâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; (and yes, you are morons â&#x20AC;&#x201C; itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a very basic principle, so learn it) little can be quite so galling.

With university costs spiralling, it is questionable whether higher education is producing work-ready graduates, or simply churning out ill-educated, ill-equipped and ignorant no-hopers.

After all, it makes no difference to the universities. To them, students are walking pound signs. And unfortunately for students, degrees are increasingly worthless currency.

Yours, J

!,4(/5'( ) - AWARE ) M PROBABLY AMONG A MINORITY OF STUDENTS WHO HAVE REMAINED SUPPORTIVE OF THE LEC TURERS THROUGHOUT THEIR INDUSTRIAL DIS PUTE ) FELT THE NEED TO EXPRESS MY DIS APPOINTMENT THAT SO MANY #ARDIFF STU DENTS SAW THE DISPUTE IN THE WRONG LIGHT AND TURNED ON THOSE THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN STANDING ALONGSIDE Any students who took, what is effectively the side of the University over the industrial action has contributed further to the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;marketisationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; of higher education.

By coming to Cardiff and paying for a degree with the expectation of receiving a piece of paper at the end of their time here, people appear to have missed the point of going to university.

This dispute was, quite simply, about securing a better future for higher education. With wages at such a low, how can people expect the best lecturers to be attracted to the profession? With better

salary prospects in industry, the implication is that those who can move on will do just that, and those who canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t will remain.

Even though we may have been inconvenienced by the action it cannot be on the same scale as the lecturers themselves.

Hands up who has mortgage payments?

Real uncertainty over their future careers compared to midday pub politics in the Woodville beer garden about how frustrating it all is.

The recently agreed settlement looks set to begin the process of addressing some of the blatant imbalances of the last two decades in a sector which has served us all very well.

Those students who didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have the foresight to see past the end of their own degree schemes should thank the lecturers for standing firm as it is their children who will benefit from a better funded higher education system.

Glad itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s over Cathays

3UPPORT WITHDRAWN $EAR GAIR RHYDD ) $/. 4 7!.4 4/ DRAG A WELL WORN ISSUE BACK INTO THE LIMELIGHT BUT HERE WE GO Why are lecturers being greedy? They had support, including mine, for a brief strike, but they couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even make a half decent job of that, damp squib that it was.

I saw about a handful of lecturers out.

Well, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll get their attention, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sure the VC is practically shitting himself.

And now theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been sitting there, rejecting offers from the universities. The farcical aspect is that they arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even punishing the universities for their perceived â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;low payâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been persecuting graduating students. What the hell did we do?

They could have boycotted paperwork, refused to attend meetings or done a sit in of the Vice-Chancellorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s office, but what was the point of punishing students? We donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t pay you, you fools!

I pay my fees on time, I go to most of my lectures and I worked my arse off for my exams. And because lecturers havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t

$EAR GAIR RHYDD ) VE JUST FINISHED THE THIRD YEAR OF MY *OURNALISM DEGREE HERE AT #ARDIFF -Y EXAM YES ) KNOW ) ONLY HAVE ONE n -ICKEY -OUSE ETC PASSED OFF QUITE QUICKLY AND AS FAR AS ) M AWARE MY COURSEWORK HAS ALL BEEN DEALT WITH PROPERLY READY FOR THE END OF THE STRIKES So it surprised me to see last weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cover story about the medicsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; exam shambles. Now my school gets a bit of stick for running an easy course, but at least they can run a bloody exam.

Medical degrees are supposed to be the

crème de la crème, the hardest and most prestigious awards you can get from a university. The fact that some clown has been allowed to take the ONLY key home and then get stuck in traffic is ridiculous. Not only have exams been ruined by lecturers going on strike but others have done their best to ruin exams with incompetence.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not much to ask. Most courses treat undergraduates as second-class citizens anyway. The least they could do is get these simple things right.

Sort it out.

John Tuscany Journalism graduand

7ILLIAMS IS A FUCKING BEAST 2IGHT 2ITCHIE YOUR HAIR IS NOT MINT 7HAT DAY IS IT !RE YOU GOING TO SMILE OR FALL ON YOUR FAAAAACE ) LOVE TO TRAVEL ) VE ONLY GOT AS FAR AS #ORNWALL BUT IT S A WORK IN PROGRESS "IG FOREHEAD MAYBE BETTER LOOK ING THAN AN ANT MIND 7HY DO YOU GET BELLY BUTTON FLUFF !ND WHY IS IT ALWAYS BLUE

$O WE NEED THE (UMAN 2IGHTS !CT

3TRIKE OUT $EAR GAIR RHYDD

-EDICAL MESS

(OW BIG DO YOU THINK YOUR EARS HAVE TO BE BEFORE YOU ARE ABLE TO GLIDE

got as much pay as they want theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve put us all through weeks of uncertainty which hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even been quelled now.

12 per cent is a bloody good pay rise by anybodyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s standards. I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t turn down 12 per cent extra on my student loan over these years. That would be an extra 120 beer tokens every instalment. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s another grand. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a lot of money. Now think of that in terms of a ÂŁ30,000 initial pay-check and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re talking serious cash.

The lecturersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; union have proven how selfish they can be following this strike. I truly think that they have lost a lot of respect and many studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; belief that they actually are interested in helping us to achieve our goals over their own self interest.

Accuse us of being self-interested consumerists and I have only one response for a lecturing body thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s left it far too late: you started it. yours, RD

$EAR GAIR RHYDD

#ONCERNING 'ARY !NDREWS AND HIS ARTI CLE ON THE (UMAN 2IGHTS !CT (2! A FEW WEEKS BACK WHAT THE HELL If this man is serious then that has to have been one of the most narrow-minded, poorly researched articles Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever had the displeasure of reading. Next time Mr Andrews, if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to write a political piece, how about you check into the structure of the British legal system, rather than getting all your information from the back of the Socialist Worker.

Alternatively, if he wrote such an extremist piece fully aware of how ridiculous he is being to provoke response, then congratulations sir; youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve done your job perfectly.

The Human Rights Act (1998) was of course created to incorporate the European Convention on Human Rights into English Law, so Mr Andrews has based his piece on the UK. My points will be applicable to any other member state of the European Union (EU) in some variation: it can be safely assumed that all member states incorporating this EU Convention are relatively developed and have established legal systems. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Article Two of the HRA grants the Right to Life, but do away with that and if I take it upon myself to chop up Cherie Blairâ&#x20AC;Ś (he then goes on to say) Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;cha gonna do about it? Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve no right not to be killed.â&#x20AC;?

Well correct me if Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m wrong, but murder has been somewhat illegal for a good number of centuries in the UK - suggesting weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve had a right not to be killed for a good long time. If the HRA was indeed scrapped, you would still be prosecuted if you then went off and murdered Cherie.

That also covers Article Seven, no punishment without law - lynching also accounts to murder! â&#x20AC;&#x153;Article Four, which prohibits anybody being held in slavery, servitude or forced to perform compulsory labour.â&#x20AC;?

Again sir, in your apocalyptic view of the world thinking after we joined the EU centuries of common law was just forgotten, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to refer you to the 1833 Abolition of Slavery Act passed by the good folks in Parliament. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Article 6 - Right to a Fair Trialâ&#x20AC;? - ever heard of the Magna Carta? What is thought

of as the cornerstone of liberty and the chief defence against arbitrary and Gary Andrewsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; unjust rule in the UK? Let us take a few points: (38) In future no official shall place a man on trial upon his own unsupported statement, without producing credible witnesses to the truth of it.

(39) No free man shall be seized or imprisoned, or stripped of his rights or possessions, or outlawed or exiled, or deprived of his standing in any other way, nor will we proceed with force against him, or send others to do so, except by the lawful judgement of his equals or by the law of the land.

(40) To no one will we sell, to no one deny or delay right or justice.

That sounds like a right to a fair trial to me sir, since 1215 when it was first drafted. I could go on, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m hoping you start to get my idea. The whole article is flawed. alarmist tripe, I see it as a huge failure of editorial judgment that such a poorly researched article was even allowed to be printed.

Simply put, the removal of The Human Rights Act would not make our society crumble; it is not â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;integral to a decent societyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. Does Mr Andrews seriously believe we will all have free reign to turn this savage society that his article appears to make out?

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m hoping that Mr Andrews is aware of the basic structure of British Law. This Act was established to integrate EU legislation into the British system; if Parliament were to ever decide on amending or abolishing the act, (which under Parliamentary Sovereignty they are perfectly entitled to do) we would simply continue using centuries worth of previous precedent established through the ages!

All the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Human Rights Actâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; does is bring together laws and rights that we already had in one easily identifiable document for people to read, rather than having to trawl through countless cases through history and for that it is indeed a good thing.

This failed state that Mr Andrews wants to come about would certainly not happen: weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d very much so remain the same society as we are today.

Tom C Second year Business Economics

'ARY !NDREWS RESPONDS 4OM ) THINK YOU VE MISSED MY POINT SOMEWHAT 4HE ARTICLE WAS LARGELY WRITTEN TONGUE IN CHEEK AND WAS NOT WRITTEN FOR CONTROVERSY S SAKE )F ) WAS JUST WRITING TO WIND PEOPLE UP THEN ) WOULDN T BOTHER So, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s set a few things straight.

Firstly, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m fully aware that society wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t descend into anarchy were the Human Rights Act to be scrapped. Secondly, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m also well aware of the laws of this country, including the Magna Carta - of course weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not going to allow murder, etc, simply without the HRA. Thirdly, well, try rereading with one eyebrow raised and your tounge in cheek: itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not intended to be an extremist call to murder (for a start Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not George Galloway), and I certainly wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t consider it alarmist.

What I would say is the article was written with a degree of anger behind it - anger at the Sunâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ill-conceived kneejerk hysteria for a call to scrap the Act, angry at Cameronâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s willingness to leap on the bandwagon, angry at Tony Blair using the Act as a scapegoat when better training for the judiciary would suffice. And at the end of the day, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not the judgesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; fault if the Act, while containing many worthy principles, was far from perfect in the wording theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the poor buggers who have to interpret our legislation.

But, ultimately, what Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m largely angryand concerned about is that abolishing the act would remove key principles that I find it hard to believe anybody should disagree with. Yes, the laws cover such areas by and large (although Privacy and Freedom of Expression has lead to some interesting developments in media law), but remove the HRA and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on a slippery slope downwards - and no matter what you think of those in the dock, terrorists or otherwise, as humans they still have a right to basic dignities; to deny them otherwise would make us no better than those we purport to be fighting in the name of good, so that includes not sending them back to countries that may torture them.

Incidently, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t read the Socialist Worker, as Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always considered it to be an oxymoron.

Gary

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7ORLD #UP &EVER .OTHING SMACKS MORE OF A LACK OF WORK AND RESPONSI BILITY THAN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THERE S AN INTERNA TIONAL FOOTBALL TOURNAMENT 4AKE DOWN YOUR REVISION NOTES AND PIN UP YOUR 7ORLD #UP WALLCHARTS

3OAPS 34/0 02%33 .EVERMIND THIS WEEK S SOAP NEWS THE BIG SHIZZ IS THAT IN !UGUST #LEVLAND #AMPBELL !+! THE BEST USE OF ALLITERATION IN SOAP $ANNY $AGGART IS TO LEAVE %MMERDALE !PPARENTLY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE #RAIG #HARLES ALIKE AND FORMER 0RIME 3USPECT STAR S RECENT '"( ALLEGATIONS .EXT STOP REALITY 46

$6$S 7HAT BETTER WAY TO GET US IN THE MOOD FOR INTERNATIONAL SPORT THAN A FILM ABOUT KILLING INTERNATIONAL SPORTS MEN %XACTLY -UNICH GETS ITS $6$ RELEASE THIS WEEK 46 %LLEN SAYS IT S GOOD AND FROM WHAT ) DEDUCED FROM HER SYNOPSIS IT S ALL ABOUT THE )NCREDIBLE (ULK TRYING TO SAVE SOME 0ALESTINIANS 7ICKED 3TICKS

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AKE SURE THE CROSS OF 3T 'EORGE IS FLYING PROMINENTLY ON THE DOOR FRAME OF YOUR INEVITABLY )TALIAN BUILT CAR AS THIS WEEK YOU SHOULD HAVE THE TASTE OF FOOTBALL IN YOUR NOSTRILS %VERYONE FROM -OTTY AND ,INEKER TO 0HILLIP AND &EARNE WILL BE GOING IN THE WORDS OF THAT FAMOUS )RISH FOLK SONG

BOTH @FOOTBALL CRAZY AND @FOOTBALL MAD 3O SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF THE 46 WITH A BEER AND A DEHABILITATING SENSE OF EXPECTATION AND PREPARE FOR 3VEN S BAND OF SUPER HEROES AND UMMM

/WEN (ARGREAVES TO MARCH ONWARDS TO QUARTER FINAL MEDIOCRITY UNLESS YOU RE 7ELSH OF COURSE IN WHICH CASE THERE S PROBABLY SOME RUGBY ON 3 # SOME WHERE FOR YOU 4HIS IS THE FIRST FULL WEEK OF THE 7ORLD #UP AND SEES SOME TOP QUALITY TUSSLES .ONE HOWEVER WILL BE SO EXCITING AS THE ONE THAT WILL DOMINATE OUR SCREENS FOR THE FULL MONTH OF FIX TURES ,AWRENSON VERSUS 0LEAT 7AGNER VERSUS +ASABIAN ,INEKER VERSUS 2IDER 4HE ""# VERSUS )46 7HAT NATION YOU SUPPORT DEPENDS ON WHERE YOU RE BORN 9OU CAN T HELP THAT BUT WHAT TELEVISION CHANNEL YOU FAVOUR IS A MATTER OF 4!34% AND YOUR RELEVANCE AS A WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING 3O HERE S A FEW REASONS TO CHOOSE THE ""# OVER )46 WHEN FIXTURES CLASH 'ARY ,INEKER 4HAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH ALONE .EVER MIND THE NICEST MAN IN PUNDITRY ) D VENTURE HE S THE NICEST MAN IN THE WORLD &ORMER INTER NATIONAL HERO AND SOMEHOW LESS -/2 THAN NUMBER BOTHERER ,YNAM "ETTER FACIAL HAIR TOO ,E NONE 4HE OFFICIAL ""# 7ORLD #UP MUSIC IS SOMETHING BY 7AGNER 9OU KNOW WHERE YOU STAND WITH A BIT OF 7AGNER

)46 HAVE CHOSEN +ASABIAN COVERING "OWIE S (EROES 7HICH IS OFFENSIVE TO ME SEEING AS ) OFFERED TO FART THE #HAMPIONS ,EAGUE THEME TUNE INTO A FUNNEL FOR THEM AS A COMPROMISE !T HALF TIME ON ""# YOU LL GET EXTRA DEFENSIVE ANALYSIS FROM (ANSEN /N )46 YOU RE TREATED TO SHITTY BEER ADVERTS WHICH ARE INEVITABLY GOING TO ENCOURAGE SOME GOD AWFUL CATCH PHRASE AND LEAVE THE LAGER GUZZLING WANKERS FLANKING YOUR VIEW OF THE BIG SCREEN GARGLING THEIR WAY THROUGH LUNG SHIFTING GUFFAWS

,AWRENSON MAY BE THE MOST SELF IMPORTANT GOON EVER TO UTTER THE WORDS @THAT WAS DEFINITELY A PENALTY NO DOUBT "UT AT LEAST HE S NOT $AVID 0LEAT 0LEAT LOOKS LIKE +RANG FROM THE 4EENAGE -UTANT .INJA 4URTLES %XACTLY %NJOY THE FOOTBALL AND ENJOY YOUR SUMMER 7E AT 46 $ESK PROBABLY WON T BECAUSE WE RE A PASTY BUNCH AND PRE FER $6$ BOX SETS TO ICE LOLLIES AND SUN BATHING 3O UNTIL NEXT YEAR AND INDEED FOREVER FROM SOME THANKS FOR READ ING OR AT LEAST FOR LAUGHING AT THE PIC TURES ,OVE 46 $ESK X

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&ILM #OYOTE 5GLY )46 &RIDAY PM .EVER MIND CHICKS @CAUSE IF YOU RE TIRED OF ALL THIS SPORT THIS IS THE PER FECT ANTIDOTE 7HAT COULD BE MORE LIB ERATING FOR YOU OVARY CLAD LIKES THAN A FILM WHICH INCLUDES WHORES DANCING ON A TABLE TO ,E!NN 2IMES /R

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3PORT 4HIS WEEK @3PORT SERVES AS A SYN ONYM FOR @&OOTBALL ) M SURE YOU DON T NEED TELLING THAT AS YOUR 7ORLD #UP 7ALLCHART SERVES AS A CONSTANT REMINDER )F NOT THEN ANOTHER SYNONYM THIS WEEK WILL BE THE WORD @7ELSH 7HICH ALSO CAN BE USED TO DENOTE THE WORDS @0ARAGUAYAN @4RINIDADIAN OR @3WEDISH

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AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE 4REACLE 0EOPLE AM " AM "IG "ROTHER S ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES 4HIS PROGRAMME IS EITHER GOING TO BE A UNTRUE OR B INAPPROPRIATE AS @0ARIS (ILTON SEX TAPE WOULD MORE THAN LIKELY PLACE RATHER HIGHLY AM 3WEET 3IXTEEN AM )N 3EARCH OF THE 4ARTAN 4URBAN /R (ARRY 0OTTER 3EVEN AS IT WILL COME TO BE KNOWN AM -Y #RAZY ,IFE AM $ON T -AKE -E !NGRY PM .EWS AT .OON PM (OUSE !UCTION PM ) 7AS -ONTY S $OUBLE PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM #OUNTDOWN PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL / 'RADY 3HOW (OW OLD DOES @NEW HAVE TO BE BEFORE IT S NO LONGER @NEW PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM (OLLYOAKS PM #HANNEL .EWS PM -INUTE 7ONDER -OZART ,OVERS PM $EAL OR .O $EAL 0RIME TIME $EAL /R .O $EAL V 7ORLD #UP &OOTBALL ) VIEW THIS AS A TEST FOR ME FROM THE TELEVISUAL 'ODS PM "IG "ROTHER PM 4HE 0LAY S THE 4HING PM "IG "ROTHER S "IG "RAIN PM 46 (EAVEN 4ELLY (ELL AM $ESPERATE (OUSEWIVES AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON

AM &RANKLIN AM "EAR IN THE "IG "LUE (OUSE AM (I AM "IRD "ATH AM -ISS 3PIDER S 3UNNY 0ATCH &RIENDS AM -AKE 7AY &OR .ODDY AM 3AY )T WITH .ODDY AM &IFI AND THE &LOWERTOTS AM 0EPPA 0IG AM %BB AND &LO AM /LD "EAR 3TORIES AM -IO -AO AM &UNKY 6ALLEY AM 4HE 7RIGHT 3TUFF AM 4RISHA 'ODDARD AM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM "RAIN4EASER PM 4HE (IGH 0RICE OF 0ASSION PM 4HE 2ETURN OF (UNTER %VERYONE 7ALKS IN ,! &ILM BASED ON FACT &ORMER 'LADIATOR (UNTER TRAVELS TO THE 5NITED 3TATES TO WORK WITH CHILDREN WITH SPASTIC LEGS IN AN ,! HOSPITAL (EART WARMING ROMANTIC COMEDY WHICH INEVITABLY SEES @(UNTY HAVE SEX WITH EVERY NURSE ON THE WARD PM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM 4WO AND A (ALF -EN PM FIVE NEWS PM -EAN -ACHINES OF 7AR PM 0HILIP %LIZABETH 7HO NEEDS SUCH ENTERTAINMENT AS 7ORLD #UP FOOTBALL OR #ORONATION 3TREET OR $EAL /R .O $EAL WHEN YOU VE GOT A CRAPPY ROYAL DOCUMEN TARY ON FIVE !LL OF US PM "IG ,OVE (OW DO WHALES HAVE SEX &IND OUT HERE PM "IG ,OVE PM 4HE 7OMAN WITH (ALF A "ODY %XTRAORDINARY 0EOPLE 4HIS IS ALWAYS AN ANTICLIMAX ) LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING A WOMAN WITH NOTHING ABOVE HER HIPS AND IT S ALWAYS JUST SOMEONE STUMBLING AROUND LIKE A 7EEBLE 2UBBISH AM .(, )CE (OCKEY AM 530'! 'OLF AM 7ORLD 3UPERCROSS 'RAND 0RIX

AM 4HE (OOBS AM " AM "IG "ROTHER S ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM 3WEET 3IXTEEN AM )N 3EARCH OF THE 4ARTAN 4URBAN AM -Y #RAZY ,IFE AM $ON T -AKE -E !NGRY PM .EWS AT .OON PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH $WDLAM PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH -R -EN PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH 4ECWYN Y 4RACTOR PM (OUSE !UCTION PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM #OUNTDOWN PM 0LANED 0LANT -EDABOTS PM 0ELDROEDIO PM &FEIL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL / 'RADY 3HOW PM #OACH 4RIP PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM 7EDI PM .EWYDDION PM 0OBOL Y #WM PM $AU &AB $AU ,WYBR PM !R $Y &EIC /H YEH FECKING HILARI OUS 4HIS BERLINER BUSINESS HAS SEEN 3 # BECOME MILDLY IMPORTANT (OWEVER

THAT OF COURSE DOESN T MEAN THAT THE !NGLOPHILE 46 $ESK HAS THE SLIGHTEST CLUE WHAT THESE VOWEL LESS WORDS MEAN !RSE $IE &ECK PM ,OCATION ,OCATION ,OCATION PM "IG "ROTHER PM "IG "ROTHER S "IG "RAIN PM 3EX IN THE S AM %UROTRASH AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM "ODYSHOCK AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON

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AM "REAKFAST AM $ONgT 'ET $ONE 'ET $OM AM (OMES UNDER THE (AMMER AM %SCAPE TO THE #OUNTRY AM "ARGAIN (UNT PM #ASH IN THE !TTIC PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 2EGIONAL .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER 2EGIONAL .EWS PM #""# ,OONEY 4UNES PM "ECKHAMgS (OT 3HOTS PM 4HE 3TORY OF 4RACY "EAKER PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE PM ""# .EWS 2EGIONAL .EWS PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE PM ""# .EWS 2EGIONAL .EWS 7EATHER PM 7EEK )N 7EEK /UT PM )MAGINE ! 0ICTURE OF THE 0AINTER (OWARD (ODGKIN 9EAH JUST IMAG INE ) THINK IT WOULD BE A LARGE OIL ONTO CANVAS SELF PORTRAIT 4HE SELF INDULGENT BASTARD AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY AM 3IGN :ONE 4HE "EST OF 4OP 'EAR AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY 2EPLAY AM 3IGN :ONE 3EE (EAR .OW YOU SEE HERE ) WON T TAKE ANYMORE CRAP OFF YOU ANYMORE "LAH BLAH 7E VE GOT TO GO AND SOUNDCHECK IN ABOUT TWO HOURS SO WE RE KIND OF RUSHING &RIDAY *UNE ,OS #AMPESINOS ARE HEADLINING THE "ARFLY !LL THE COOL KIDS LOVE US SO IF YOU WANT TO BE COOL YOU SHOULD PROBABLY COME AND SURRENDER YOUR SOULS TO OUR POP MELODIES RIGHT NOW AM 3IGN :ONE 3UPER 6ETS 3OME VETS HAVE SUPER POW ERS AM *OINS ""# .EWS 4HIS WEEK ) HAVE BEEN MOSTLY LISTENING TO ,OU "ARLOW %MOH "LINK $UDE 2ANCH AND %NEMA OF THE 3TATE 0EOPLE FORGET HOW GOOD THEY ARE

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SPECIFICALLY A PINT OF LAGER A &ENDER *AGUAR AN /RANGE AMP A FAG ) DO REALLY NEED A CIGGY RIGHT NOW BUT ) CAN T ) NEED TO KEEP WRITING THIS RUBBISH AM )46 .IGHTSCREEN AM )46 %ARLY -ORNING .EWS !LL THE SMALL THINGS

4RUE CARE TRUTH BRINGS ) LL TAKE ONE LIFT

YOUR RIDE BEST TRIP !LWAYS ) KNOW YOU LL BE AT MY SHOW 7ATCHING WAITING COM MISERATING 3AY IT AIN T SO ) WILL NOT GO

4URN THE LIGHTS OFF CARRY ME HOME .A

NA ,ATE NIGHT COME HOME 7ORK SUCKS

) KNOW 3HE LEFT ME ROSES BY THE STAIRS

3URPRISES LET ME KNOW SHE CARES 3AY IT AIN T SO ) WILL NOT GO TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

CARRY ME HOME .A NA 9ES "LINK ARE FUCKING AWESOME &ACT

3 # AM

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3 # AM

AM &RANKLIN AM "EAR IN THE "IG "LUE (OUSE AM (I AM "IRD "ATH AM -ISS 3PIDERgS 3UNNY 0ATCH &RIENDS AM -AKE 7AY FOR .ODDY AM 3AY )T WITH .ODDY AM &IFI AND THE &LOWERTOTS AM 0EPPA 0IG AM %BB AND &LO AM /LD "EAR 3TORIES AM -IO -AO AM &UNKY 6ALLEY AM 4HE 7RIGHT 3TUFF AM 4RISHA 'ODDARD AM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY AM "RAIN4EASER PM !N 5NEXPECTED &AMILY PM FIVE NEWS UPDATE PM #USTODY OF THE (EART PM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM 4WO AND A (ALF -EN PM FIVE NEWS PM 4IM -ARLOW ON #ONSTABLE 4HE 'REAT ,ANDSCAPES 4HE BEST LANDSCAPES ) VE SEEN ARE ON THE 46 /THER S INCLUDE PILES OF RUBBISH AND THE NETTLES IN THE BACK GARDEN PM 0ROPERTY $EVELOPING !BROAD PM #3) #RIME 3CENE )NVESTIGATION PM #3) -IAMI PM $ARK 3ECRETS 4O (ELL AND "ACK 4ANJASgS 3TORY ) M ACTUALLY QUITE INTERESTED IN HEARING WHAT HELL S LIKE )T S A PLACE THAT ) MIGHT END UP ONE DAY )F IT S GOOD THEN ) LL PROBABLY TRY MY BEST TO END UP THERE )F IT S NOT TOO GOOD YOU KNOW NO AIR CON BAD FOOD @N THAT THEN ) LL JUST CONTINUE BEING A GOOD BOY AND END UP IN HEAVEN AM 4HE &") &ILES AM )NDYCAR 2ACING AM .!3#!2 AM 6 3UPERCARS AM -OTOR 2ACING 2OLEX 'RAND !M !MERICAN 3ERIES AM 2ACE AND 2ALLY 5+ AM -OTORSPORT -UNDIAL AM 7ORLD -OTOCROSS #HAMPIONSHIP

AM 4HE (OOBS AM " AM "IG "ROTHER $IARY 2OOM 5NCUT AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM 0REACHERS TO "E AM -Y #RAZY ,IFE AM $ONgT -AKE -E !NGRY PM .EWS AT .OON PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH $WDLAM PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH "OBINOGI PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH 2IBIDIRES PM (OUSE !UCTION PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM #OUNTDOWN PM 0LANED 0LANT !NIFAIL AM 7YTHNOS PM -ARTIN -ELLTEN PM 7AP PM &FEIL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL /g'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM 7EDI PM .EWYDDION PM 0OBOL Y #WM PM 9 "YD AR "EDWAR PM (ANES #YMRU !gR -OR PM "IG "ROTHER PM 3EX IN THE S AM 4URN "ACK 9OUR "ODY #LOCK AM 4HE 0LAYgS THE 4HING AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM 'ODgS .EXT !RMY AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 4HE "LUE $RAGON AM 7HATgS 3O 'OOD !BOUT PEANUT BUTTER AND JAM ON TOAST AM 7HATgS 3O 'OOD !BOUT CHEESE ON TOAST AM 7HATgS 3O 'OOD !BOUT MARMITE ON TOAST )gM NOT KNOCKING YOUR WANT TO CARRY THAT HOME 4OOK IT WITH YOU WHEN YOU MOVED AND GOT IT BROKE &OUND THE PIECES

WE COUNTED THEM ALL ALONE

7%$.%3$!9 *5.% $OOMWATCH ""# AM

AM "REAKFAST AM $ONgT 'ET $ONE 'ET $OM ) ASSUME THIS IS THAT $OM BLOKE FROM 3ATURDAY MORNING 46 (E S A BIT OF A CUNT NO 4HE PHRASE @GET DONE WAS USED SO MUCH IN SCHOOL )T MEANT GET TOLD OFF .OW IT MEANS SOMETHING ELSE LIKE

ERM GET DONE IN THE BUM AM (OMES UNDER THE (AMMER AM %SCAPE TO THE #OUNTRY AM "ARGAIN (UNT PM #ASH IN THE !TTIC PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 2EGIONAL .EWS AND 7EATHER PM .EIGHBOURS PM $OCTORS PM $OCTORS PM !NIMAL 0ARK PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER 2EGIONAL .EWS PM #""# #HUCKLE6ISION PM -AYA AND -IGUEL PM -ONA THE 6AMPIRE PM 4HE 3TORY OF 4RACY "EAKER PM "LUE 0ETER PM .EWSROUND PM .EIGHBOURS PM ""# .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 7ALES 4ODAY 7EATHER PM ) 7ANT )T .OW PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE "Y THE TIME YOU READ THIS IT WILL HAVE ALREADY KICKED OFF AND %NGLAND WILL HAVE PROBABLY AS THE SAYING GOES FUCKED IT ALL UP GOOD AND PROPER PM ""# .EWS 2EGIONAL .EWS 7EATHER PM 4HE .ATIONAL ,OTTERY -IDWEEK $RAWS PM 1UESTION 4IME PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY AM $OOMWATCH &IVE MISERABLE BASTARDS SAT IN A ROOM WAITING FOR THE WORLD TO END 7HILE DOING THIS THEY ARE UNDOUBTEDLY SPOUTING METAPHYSICAL BOLLOCKS IN AN ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY THEIR MISERY 3OUNDS LIKE A NIGHT IN AT 46 'ARETH S HOUSE AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY 2EPLAY

4HE #ONVENT ""# PM

AM #""# ,OONEY 4UNES AM $ENNIS THE -ENACE AM ,EVEL 5P AM #"EEBIES ,AZYTOWN AM 5NDERGROUND %RNIE AM "OB THE "UILDER 0ROJECT "UILD )T AM "OOGIE "EEBIES AM 3PRINGWATCH AM (ORIZON AM (ANDS ON .ATURE AM AM PM PM 4RADING 5P PM 7ORKING ,UNCH PM 4ENNIS FROM 1UEENgS PM 7EAKEST ,INK PM &LOG )T PM 4HE 5RBAN #HEF -Y HOUSEMATE !LEX WOULD PROBABLY LIKE THIS (E LIKES -C$ONALD S @N ALL THAT SHIZNAY 7E WENT FOR A -ACCIES YESTERDAY )T ALWAYS DISAP POINTS ME BUT !LEX HAD A BIGGER "IG -AC

AND HE SAID THAT HE FELT @CONTENT 3O IF -R 5RBAN #HEF CAN COOK UP SOME CULINARY DELIGHTS SEND @EM OVER PM 4HE 3OWETO 5PRISING PM 3PRINGWATCH WITH "ILL /DDIE PM 4HE #ONVENT %RM HOW ABOUT

hOOH ME MOUTH S AS DRY AS A NUN S CUNTv 9EH 6ULGARITY PM 2OOM PM .EWSNIGHT PM #OMMUNISM AND &OOTBALL !LL THIS MEANS IS THAT THE TEAMS WILL BE AS EQUALLY SHIT AS EACH OTHER AM *OINS ""# .EWS AM ""# ,EARNING :ONE 3CHOOLS 2ELIGIOUS %DUCATION AM 3PECIAL .EEDS (O HO HO HO HO 4HERE S A PROGRAM CALLED SPECIAL NEEDS ) WANT TO WRITE ABOUT "ORAT SO ) WILL -Y FAVOURITE "ORAT QUOTES ARE h-Y WIFE SHE IS DEADv h) HAVE A GOOD SHITv h)N +AZAKHSTAN AFTER #OMMUNISM WE HAVE A LOT OF PORNO ) LIKE ) LIKE ) LIKE A SHAVE PUSSY v h/OH "ETSY CAT DID A SHITv *AGSHEMASH

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AM '-46 .EWSHOUR AM '-46 4ODAY AM ,+ 4ODAY AM 4HE *EREMY +YLE 3HOW AM 4HIS -ORNING PM )46 ,UNCHTIME .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP 3PAIN V 5KRAINE -ORE FOOTBALL AWESOME O PM 7ALES 4ONIGHT PM 7ORLD #UP 4UNISIA V 3AUDI !RABIA 9ES 4HAT S RIGHT 4HERE ARE THREE GAMES ON TODAY 4HE 7ORLD #UP IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST THING TO WRITE ABOUT RIGHT NOW AS ) M TRYING TO RUSH THIS SO ) CAN GO AND GET SOME FOOD 46 MIGHT SEEM CUSHY BUT LET ME TELL YOU SONNY JIM

IT MOST CERTAINLY ISN T 7E GET LOCKED IN A SIDE ROOM AND ARE MADE TO STARE AT THE SCREENS @TIL OUR RETINA S MELT 4HEN WE ARE WHIPPED AND BEATEN UNTIL WE WRITE SOME THING DEEMED TO BE FUNNY OR WITTY 4HIS IS WHY EVERYTHING YOU READ IS CACK PM )46 %VENING .EWS 7EATHER PM #ORONATION 3TREET PM 4HE "ILL PM 2OSEMARY AND 4HYME )T S FUNNY COS THESE ARE @ERBS /H TO BE MIDDLE AGED PM %MMERDALE )S THIS THE LATE NIGHT VERSION 3OMEHOW ) DON T THINK THIS WILL COMPETE WITH (OLLYOAKS LATE NIGHT ) DON T WANT TO SEE THE FAT UGLY OLD PEOPLE HAV ING SEX IN A BARN PM )46 .EWS PM 7ORLD #UP (IGHLIGHTS AM )46 0LAY 4HE -INT AM 4HE *EREMY +YLE 3HOW AM )46 .IGHTSCREEN AM )46 %ARLY -ORNING .EWS 9O PEEPS 46 .EIL HERE 4HIS IS MY THIRD AND FINAL 46 LISTING OF THE YEAR $O NOT FEAR THOUGH NEXT YEAR ) WILL BE BACK AND ) WILL BE JUST AS GOOD AS ) AM NOW

FIVE PM

AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE 4REACLE 0EOPLE AM " AM "IG "ROTHERgS ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM 0REACHERS TO "E AM -Y #RAZY ,IFE -Y LIFE IS MENTAL ,AST WEEKEND ) GOT DRUNK PLAYED FOOTBALL IN THE PARK GOT SUN STROKE PROBABLY

WENT TO 4WISTED WENT TO "ARRY )SLAND WHERE ) ATE ICE CREAM WENT ON THE DODGEMS ATE CHIPS AND WALKED ON THE BEACH AND THEN ) SAT AT HOME WATCHING !LI ' $6$S 4HAT WAS A GOOD WEEKEND AM $ONgT -AKE -E !NGRY /R YOU LL PAY PM .EWS AT .OON PM (OUSE !UCTION PM -INUTE 7ONDER 0EOPLE IN /RDER PM -ALTA 3TORY PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM #OUNTDOWN PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL /g'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM (OLLYOAKS PM #HANNEL .EWS PM -INUTE 7ONDER -OZART ,OVERS (AHA TO ME THIS SUGGESTS THAT PEOPLE WHO LIKE -OZART ARE TWO PUMP CHUMPS OR SUMMIT 9EAH ) MADE THIS JOKE LAST WEEK PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM "IG "ROTHER PM $ESPERATE (OUSEWIVES PM 3EX IN THE S 4HE 3TORY OF #LUB AM "IG "ROTHERgS "IG -OUTH AM 2ED "ULL !IR 2ACE -ENTALS MAKE PLANE THINGS AND THEN FLY OFF A PIER AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM 4RANS 7ORLD 3PORT AM #OUNTDOWN

$UMBER AND $UMBEREST

FIVE AM

AM &RANKLIN AM "EAR IN THE "IG "LUE (OUSE AM (I AM "IRD "ATH AM -ISS 3PIDERgS 3UNNY 0ATCH &RIENDS AM -AKE 7AY FOR .ODDY AM 3AY )T 7ITH .ODDY AM &IFI AND THE &LOWERTOTS AM 0EPPA 0IG AM %BB AND &LO AM /LD "EAR 3TORIES AM -IO -AO AM &UNKY 6ALLEY AM 4HE 7RIGHT 3TUFF AM 4RISHA 'ODDARD AM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM "RAIN4EASER PM 0ERRY -ASON 4HE #ASE OF THE &ATAL &RAMING PM $EATH OF A #HEERLEADER 4HE FATAL STORY OF HOW A CHEERLEADER GOT BEATEN TO DEATH WITH HER OWN POMPOMS !PPARENTLY IT SERVED HER RIGHT AS SHE WOULDN T STOP WAVING THEM IN PEOPLE S FACES ) D KILL A CHEERLEADER IF THEY DID THAT TO ME PM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM 4WO AND A (ALF -EN PM FIVE NEWS PM 2IDDLE OF THE #HINESE -IRACLE -UMMY PM 4HE 3ECRET ,IFE OF %LIZABETH ) 2EVEALED )S THIS GONNA BE TRUE OR ARE THEY JUST GONNA MAKE THINGS UP PM 4HE 7OMAN 3WAMPED BY (ER /WN 3KIN 'UTTED ) BET THAT WAS A MESS PM FIVE NEWS UPDATE PM 3PY 'AME AM $UMBER AND $UMBEREST $UMBEREST AND $UMBERESTER $UMBERESTER AND $UMBERESTEREST $UMBERESTEREST AND $UMBERESTERESTER $UMBERESTERESTER AND $UMBERESTERESTEREST

$UMBERESTERESTEREST AND $UMBERESTERESTERESTER 9OU GET THE IDEA AM .(, )CE (OCKEY AM .(2! $RAG 2ACING

AM 4HE (OOBS AM " AM "IG "ROTHERgS ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM 0REACHERS TO "E AM -Y #RAZY ,IFE AM $ONgT -AKE -E !NGRY PM .EWS AT .OON PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH $WDLAM PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH 9OKO *AKAMOKO 4OTO PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH 3ALI -ALI PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH "YD "ACH "EDWYR PM (OUSE !UCTION PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM #OUNTDOWN PM 0LANED 0LANT #ODE ,YOKO PM 0LANED 0LANT #LWB 7INX PM 0LANED 0LANT &FEIL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL /g'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM 7EDI PM .EWYDDION PM 0OBOL Y #WM PM $UDLEY PM "YD O ,IW PM 4HEATR 'ENEDLAETHOL #YMRU PM "IG "ROTHER PM ,OST AM $ESPERATE (OUSEWIVES AM 9EARS 9OUNGER "IKINI 3PECIAL AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM ,OST 3OULS -ERGE A VESSEL A HARBOUR ! PERFECT UNION OF GIFT AND RECEPTION %ACH AN EYE ON THE SAME FACE ,OSS AND GAIN FLY INTO THE MOUTH OF THE GROUND SIX FEET UNDER 4HANKS TO SOME FAILURE FLY INTO THE MOUTH OF THE GROUND 3IX FEET UNDER /NE FOR THE NIGHT ONE FOR THE DARK 4ASTE EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT THEN GOODBYE

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4HE 3MOKING 2OOM ""# PM

AM "REAKFAST 46 %LLEN HOPES THAT YOU DON T SPILL YOUR JUICE ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE THERE S A SEVERED FINGER FLOATING IN YOUR $/. 4 4().+ /& 4(% '!-% !ND NOW ) WOULD LIKE TO HAND YOU OVER TO MY SPONSOR "ASH ORG AM $ON T 'ET $ONE 'ET $OM AM (OMES UNDER THE (AMMER AM 4HE 1UEEN AT ! .ATIONAL 3ERVICE OF 4HANKSGIVING PM #ASH IN THE !TTIC CATHY?N 0ROCESSED FOOD IS SO MANIPULA TIVE 9AWGATOG 3OMETIMES CHICKEN NUGGETS FORCE ME INTO SITUATIONS ) AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 2EGIONAL .EWS AND 7EATHER PM .EIGHBOURS PM $OCTORS PM $OCTORS PM !NIMAL 0ARK PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER 2EGIONAL .EWS PM #""# #HUCKLEVISION PM -AYA AND -IGUEL PM -ONA THE 6AMPIRE PM 4HE 3TORY OF 4RACY "EAKER PM 4OTALLY $OCTOR 7HO PM .EWSROUND PM .EIGHBOURS PM ""# .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 7ALES 4ODAY 7EATHER PM (OLIDAY (IT 3QUAD PM %AST%NDERS PM .EW 3TREET ,AW PM 4RAFFIC #OPS PM ""# .EWS PM $RAGON S %YE PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY AM 4HIS 7EEK AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY 2EPLAY AM 3IGN :ONE ! 'OOD 4IME TO 3AY 'OODBYE AM 3IGN :ONE ! ,IFE OF 'RIME AM 3IGN :ONE ! ,IFE OF 'RIME AM 3IGN :ONE %ATING WITH AM *OINS ""# .EWS

3PECIAL .EEDS ""# AM

AM #""# ,OONEY 4UNES AM $ENNIS THE -ENACE AM ,EVEL 5P AM #"EEBIES ,AZYTOWN AM 5NDERGROUND %RNIE AM "OB THE "UILDER 0ROJECT "UILD )T AM "OOGIE "EEBIES AM 3PRINGWATCH AM 7ATCH AM 7ATCH AM 7ATCH AM 7ATCH AM 0ATHWAYS OF "ELIEF (INDUISM AM 0ATHWAYS OF "ELIEF (INDUISM PM 4HE $AILY 0OLITICS PM 7ORKING ,UNCH PM 4ENNIS FROM 1UEEN S PM 7EAKEST ,INK 3HAFT ) WAS JUST READING A NEWS HEADLINE AND I THOUGHT IT SAID @DOUBLE AMPUTEE CONQUERS EVERQUEST AND ) WAS LIKE WHOA 3HAFT "UT IT SAID %VEREST 3HAFT 7HICH IS FAR LESS IMPRESSIVE PM &LOG )T PM 4HE 5RBAN #HEF PM "EATING 2ETREAT PM 3PRINGWATCH WITH "ILL /DDIE PM (ORIZON PM 7HAT THE !NCIENTS $ID FOR 5S PM -ASTERMIND PM .EWSNIGHT PM 4HE 3MOKING 2OOM .EIL AND 'ARETH S LIVING ROOM PM $RAGON S $EN AM *OINS ""# .EWS AM 3CHOOLS 3PECIAL .EEDS AM 3PECIAL .EEDS *LAX I JUST OPENED -ICROSOFT 7ORD *LAX !PPARENTLY ) ONLY HAD THE TRIAL VER SION AND IT EXPIRED YESTERDAY *LAX 3O I READ THE MESSAGE IT GAVE ME

*LAX h3OME FEATURES MAY BECOME UNAVAILABLE *LAX 4HEN ) DISCOVERED WHAT SOME OF THOSE FEATURES WERE *LAX 490).' *LAX $/#5-%.4 6)%7).'

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# AM

# PM

,OOK AT ME DEMONSTRATE MY GEOGRAPHICAL KNOWLEDGE AM '-46 .EWSHOUR AM '-46 4ODAY AM ,+ 4ODAY AM 4HE *EREMY +YLE 3HOW AM 4HIS -ORNING PM )46 ,UNCHTIME .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP %CUADOR V #OSTA 2ICA %CUADOR IS NEAR THE EQUATOR AND #OSTA 2ICA IS WHERE COFFEE

LLAMAS AND THE DANCERS FROM 7EST 3IDE 3TORY COME FROM PM 7ALES 4ONIGHT PM 7ORLD #UP %NGLAND V 4RINIDAD AND 4OBAGO 7E LIVE NEAR %NGLAND AND 4RINDAD AND 4OBAGO BOTH BEGIN WITH 4

SO ONLY EXPORT TOBBOGANS TOBACCO AND TABBYCATS PM )46 %VENING .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP 3WEDEN VS 0ARAGUAY 0EOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY NAKED IN 3WEDEN AND HAVE SAUNAS AND 0ARAGUY IS A COUNTRY WHICH RHYMES WITH HAIRY GUY PM %MMERDALE PM )46 .EWS PM 7ORLD #UP (IGHLIGHTS AM )46 0LAY 4HE -INT AM "RITAIN S "EST "ACK 'ARDENS 3O ) KNOW WHAT A FRONT GARDEN IS SO IS A BACK GARDEN A HAIRY BOTTOM %WW HAIRY BOTTOMS 7HY DO ) GIVE MYSELF SUCH A LOVELY MENTAL IMAGES BEFORE TEA AM -OVING $AY AM )46 .IGHTSCREEN AM )46 %ARLY -ORNING .EWS .%3 ) DOWNLOAD SOMETHING FROM .APSTER .%3 !ND THE SAME GUY ) DOWNLOADED IT FROM STARTS DOWNLOADING IT FROM ME WHEN ) M DONE .%3 ) MESSAGE HIM AND SAY h7HAT ARE YOU DOING ) JUST GOT THAT FROM YOU v .%3 h'ETTING MY SONG BACK FUCKER

# PM

AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE 4REACLE 0EOPLE WANT TO RIP OFF YOUR NOSE AND TOSS IT AT A VICAR AM " AM "IG "ROTHER S ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM "OBBY &RICTION 'ENERATION AM &ROM THE 4OP AM $ON T -AKE -E !NGRY PM .EWS AT .OON PM (OUSE !UCTION PM ,AND OF THE 0HARAOHS PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM #OUNTDOWN PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL / 'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM (OLLYOAKS PM #HANNEL .EWS PM -INUTE 7ONDER -OZART ,OVERS PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM -Y .EW (OME PM "IG "ROTHER PM 3UGAR 2USH PM "OYS 7ILL "E 'IRLS PM "IG "ROTHER S "IG -OUTH AM !LBUM #HART 3HOW 3PECIAL 0RIMAL 3CREAM AM -USIC 0RESENTS AM 0LAY 4HE !UTOMATIC AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM 3IMON -AGUS AM #OUNTDOWN BLOODNINJA "ABY ) BEEN HAVIN A TOUGH NIGHT SO TREAT ME NICE AIGHT "RITNEY3PEARS !IGHT BLOODNINJA 3LIP OUT OF THOSE PANTS BABY

YEAH "RITNEY3PEARS ) SLIP OUT OF MY PANTS

JUST FOR YOU BLOODNINJA BLOODNINJA /H YEAH AIGHT !IGHT ) PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT "RITNEY3PEARS /H ) LIKE TO PLAY DRESS

AM &RANKLIN AM "EAR IN THE "IG "LUE (OUSE AM (I AM "IRD "ATH AM -ISS 3PIDER S 3UNNY 0ATCH &RIENDS AM -AKE 7AY FOR .ODDY AM 3AY )T 7ITH .ODDY AM &IFI AND THE &LOWERTOTS AM 0EPPA 0IG AM %BB AND &LO AM /LD "EAR 3TORIES AM -IO -AO AM &UNKY 6ALLEY AM 4HE 7RIGHT 3TUFF AM 4RISHA 'ODDARD AM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM "RAIN4EASER PM 0ONY %XPRESS 2IDER PM 4ROUBLE 3HOOTERS 4RAPPED BENEATH THE %ARTH PM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM 4WO AND A (ALF -EN PM FIVE NEWS PM (IDDEN 4REASURE (OUSES PM #OLIN AND *USTIN S 7EDDING "ELLES PM (OUSE PM 'REY S !NATOMY PM 3UBURBAN 3HOOTOUT PM $)9 3URGERY AM "OXING &IGHT OF THE 7EEK AM #RICKET ON FIVE AM -AJOR ,EAGUE 3OCCER BLOODNINJA -E TOO BABY "RITNEY3PEARS ) KISS YOU SOFTLY ON YOUR CHEST BLOODNINJA ) CAST ,VL %ROTICISM 9OU TURN INTO A REAL BEAUTIFUL WOMAN "RITNEY3PEARS (EY BLOODNINJA ) MEDITATE TO REGAIN MY MANA

BEFORE CASTING ,VL CHICKEN OF THE )NFINITE "RITNEY3PEARS &UNNY ) STILL DON T SEE IT BLOODNINJA ) SPEND MY MANA RESERVES TO CAST -IGHTY & CK OF THE "EYONDNESS "RITNEY3PEARS 9OU ARE THE WORST CYBER

AM 4HE (OOBS AM " AM "IG "ROTHER S ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM "OBBY &RICTION 'ENERATION AM &ROM THE 4OP AM $ON T -AKE -E !NGRY PM .EWS AT .OON PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH $WDLAM PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH "RYN 3EREN PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH !RI !WYREN PM (OUSE !UCTION PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM #OUNTDOWN PM 0LANED 0LANT -AMA -IA PM 0LANED 0LANT 3PIDER -AN PM 0LANED 0LANT 4ISIO 0RISIO PM 0LANED 0LANT &FEIL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL / 'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM 7EDI PM .EWYDDION PM 0OBOL Y #WM PM #LWB 'ARDDIO PM #RWYDRO PM 4IPYN / 3TAD PM "IG "ROTHER PM -Y "EST &RIEND S 7EDDING AM "OYS 7ILL "E 'IRLS AM 0LAY 4HE !UTOMATIC AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE "RITNEY3PEARS $ON T EVER MESSAGE ME AGAIN YOU PIECE OF

BLOODNINJA +ING !RTHUR CONGRATULATES ME FOR DESTROYING $R 2OBOTNIK S EVIL ARMY OF 2OBOT 3OCIALIST 2EPUBLICS 4HE COLD WAR ENDS 2EAGAN STEALS MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND MAKES LIKE IT WAS CAUSE OF HIM BLOODNINJA 9OU STILL THERE BABY ) THINK IT S GETTING HARD NOW

&2)$!9 *5.% "EST OF &RIENDS ""# PM

AM "REAKFAST 46 %LLEN HOPES YOUR BREAKFAST MUFFIN ISN T A REINCARNATION OF (ITLER AM $ON T 'ET $ONE 'ET $OM AM (OMES UNDER THE (AMMER AM %SCAPE TO THE #OUNTRY AM "ARGAIN (UNT PM #ASH IN THE !TTIC PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 2EGIONAL .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER 2EGIONAL .EWS PM #""# ,OONEY 4UNES PM "ECKHAM S (OT 3HOTS PM "EST OF &RIENDS PM 3PRINGWATCH PM .EWSROUND PM .EIGHBOURS .EIGHBOURS HAVE TAKEN NOTICE OF MY PETI TION TO INCLUDE SOME HOTTIES IN THE SHOW

AND THEREFORE WE HAVE %VIL 2OB WHO IS ABOUT AS SCARY AS A DECLAWED SEDATED KIT TEN AND 0IERRE THE WORST ART TEACHER EVER PM ""# .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 7ALES 4ODAY 7EATHER PM ! 1UESTION OF 3PORT PM /PEN !LL (OURS PM %AST%NDERS PM .EW 4RICKS PM ""# .EWS 2EGIONAL .EWS 7EATHER PM &RIDAY .IGHT WITH *ONATHAN 2OSS PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY AM 0LAY $IRTY AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY 2EPLAY AM 3IGN :ONE 4HE #URIOUS (OUSE 'UEST AM 3IGN :ONE 3AVE ,ULLINGSTONE #ASTLE AM *OINS ""# .EWS 9OU KNOW WHAT ) REALISED LAST NIGHT ) M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WHEN GOING SKY DIVING FOR THE FIRST TIME WOULD JUMP OUT THE PLANE MISS THE LITTLE FIELD WITH THE 8 ON IT AND LAND ON A BUNCH OF ORPHANS ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE PUPPY FACTORY

4HE 'LASTONBURY 4ALES ""# AM

AM #""# ,OONEY 4UNES AM $ENNIS THE -ENACE AM ,EVEL 5P AM #"EEBIES ,AZYTOWN AM 5NDERGROUND %RNIE AM "OB THE "UILDER 0ROJECT "UILD )T AM "OOGIE "EEBIES AM 3PRINGWATCH $!&&/$),3 ) 3%% $!&&/$),3 "!((((( .EXT WEEK "UNNIES FROLIC AM 0RIMARY (ISTORY 3AXONS AND 6IKINGS AM 0RIMARY (ISTORY 3AXONS AND 6IKINGS AM .EW +ID IN THE #LASS AM 7ATCH AM 7ATCH PM 4HE $AILY 0OLITICS PM 7ORKING ,UNCH PM 4ENNIS FROM 1UEEN S PM &LOG )T PM 4HE 5RBAN #HEF PM 'REAT "RITISH -ENU 4HE 1UEEN S "ANQUET PM 'ARDENERS 7ORLD ,IVE PM 4ERRY *ONES S "ARBARIANS PM 'RUMPY /LD 7OMEN PM .EWSNIGHT PM .EWSNIGHT 2EVIEW PM ,ATER WITH *OOLS (OLLAND AM ,ITTLE #ITY AM ""# ,EARNING :ONE /PEN 5NIVERSITY AND 'ENERAL )NTEREST 7AYANG 'OLEK 0UPPETEERS OF 7EST *AVA AM -EANING IN !BSTRACT !RT !LL THE PRETEN TIOUS HIPPY ARTISTS ) KNEW USED TO FIND MEANING IN A SMALL GREEN HERB KNOWN AS @MARIJUANA /R WRITE @CAN DONKEYS KNIT ON THEIR ART @CAUSE THEY THOUGHT IT WAS @QUIRKY THEN STATE IT WAS ABOUT h4HE RESTORATION OF THE MONARCHY IN MIDDLE EASTERN ANTARTICA v ) HATE ARTISTS AM 4HE 'OLDEN 4HREAD AM 7ELFARE FOR !LL AM 9OUR 0LACE OR -INE ) HAVE LUBE SO MINE YEAH AM #ONTROLLING #ARNIVAL #ROWDS AM 4HE 'LASTONBURY 4ALES

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AM '-46 .EWSHOUR AM '-46 4ODAY AM %NTERTAINMENT 4ODAY AM 4HE *EREMY +YLE 3HOW AM 4HIS -ORNING PM )46 ,UNCHTIME .EWS 7EATHER PM -UM S ON 3TRIKE PM $ON T -OVE )MPROVE PM 7YCLIFFE PM 7ALES 4ONIGHT )T S A &RIDAY SO IN 7ALES TONIGHT SOME VALLEY BOYS WILL BE SHOUTING AT YOU IF YOU HAVE BREASTS PM 7ORLD #UP .ETHERLANDS VS )VORY #OAST 4HIS IS DEFI NATELY ONE TO WATCH 0ETER 0AN S HOME LAND VERSUS A PLACE ) DIDNT KNOW EXISTED AS A COUNTRY TIL THIS MOMENT ) WILL ENTITLE THIS MATCH @.O ONE CARES PASS THE REMOTE PM )46 %VENING .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP -EXICO VS !NGOLA !ND ) THOUGHT !NGOLA WAS A PLACE MY PAR ENTS MADE UP WHEN THEY WERE ANGRY AT ME YOU KNOW THE CLASSIC @3TOP DOING THAT OR WE WILL BANISH YOU TO !NGOLA /R

@+ISSING BOYS IS FOR !NGOLAN WHORES .OW ) KNOW WHERE MY SISTER WENT PM %MMERDALE PM )46 .EWS PM #OYOTE 5GLY )-$" SAYS hSEXY ROMANTIC COMEDY ABOUT A GIRL IN HER EARLY S NAMED 6IOLET 3ANFORD GOING TO .9# TO PURSUE A DREAM OF BECOMING A SONGWRITER 6IOLET GETS A JOB AT A NIGHTCLUB CALLED #OYOTE 5GLY

WHERE THE WORKERS ARE MISCHEVIOUS AND FINALLY COMES OUT OF HER SHELL v %LLEN SAYS

h! STUPID BINT TRIES TO MAKE IT AS A SONG WRITER BUT ENDS UP WRITING A SONG FOR ,EANNE 2IMES INSTEAD AND BECOMING A TABLE DANCING WHORE v AM )46 0LAY 4HE -INT AM 4OO -ANY #OOKS AM )46 .IGHTSCREEN AM )46 %ARLY -ORNING .EWS

(OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES # AM

AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE 4REACLE 0EOPLE ARE COMING TO RE ENACT SCENES FROM ,ATE .IGHT (OLLYOAKS IN YOUR PARLOUR )F YOU DONT HAVE A PARLOUR YOU ARE CLEARLY PEASANT SCUM AND ) AM THINKING BAD THINGS ABOUT YOU AM " AM "IG "ROTHER S ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM )N 9OUR $REAMS AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES !CCORDING TO 'OOGLE IT WAS -Y3PACE !RES "AIDU 7IKIPEDIA /RKUT I4UNES 3KY .EWS 7ORLD OF 7ARCRAFT !ND NO PORN 7HAT EXACTLY DID THE GEEKS DO THEN STRAIGHT AFTER THEY HAVE WON 7ARCRAFT AM .EW "OY AM $EADSVILLE AM 4ATE -ODERN AM 4ATE -ODERN PM .EWS AT .OON PM ! 0LACE IN THE 3UN (OME OR !WAY PM 3WORD OF 3HERWOOD &OREST PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM #OUNTDOWN PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL / 'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE 3IMPSONS PM (OLLYOAKS PM #HANNEL .EWS PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM /UT OF #ATS PM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM 4HE &RIDAY .IGHT 0ROJECT PM 4RANSMISSION 7ITH 4 -OBILE AM "IG "ROTHER S "IG -OUTH AM &EEDER 3INGLED /UT ) REMEMBER A TIME WHEN THEY WERE GOOD AM &ATBOY 3LIM 7HY -AKE 6IDEOS AM &ATBOY 3LIM ,IVE IN "RIXTON AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE

3CUMMY -AN 3 # AM

AM &RANKLIN AM "EAR IN THE "IG "LUE (OUSE AM (I AM "IRD "ATH h/H -R 2OBIN COME BATHE WITH ME ITS SO NICE AND HOT OUT HERE ) MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE MY LITTLE BIRDY UNDERWEAR OFF MY YOUR FEATHERS ARE LOOKING PLUMED TODAY

AND THEY RE SO SMOOTH OH SORRY ) DIDN T MEAN TO TOUCH YOU THERE ) M A BAD -RS +ESTREL TWEET TWEET v 9ES THAT S WHAT BIRD PORN WOULD BE LIKE AM -ISS 3PIDER S 3UNNY 0ATCH &RIENDS AM -AKE 7AY FOR .ODDY AM 3AY )T 7ITH .ODDY AM &IFI AND THE &LOWERTOTS AM 0EPPA 0IG AM %BB AND &LO AM /LD "EAR 3TORIES AM -IO -AO AM &UNKY 6ALLEY AM 4HE 7RIGHT 3TUFF AM 4RISHA 'ODDARD AM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM "RAIN4EASER PM &OR !LL 4IME PM FIVE NEWS UPDATE PM ,IFE S ,ITTLE 3TRUGGLES 4RYING TO FIND A CONDOM WITHOUT RUINING THE MOOD AND TRYING TO LIGHT A CIGARETTE OFF A BONFIRE WITHOUT SETTING FIRE TO YOUR FACE PM FIVE NEWS PM (OME AND !WAY PM 4WO AND A (ALF -EN PM FIVE NEWS PM .ICE (OUSE 3HAME ABOUT THE 'ARDEN 2EVISITED PM "UILDINGS 4HAT 3HAPED "RITAIN PM ,AW AND /RDER PM ,AW AND /RDER 3PECIAL 6ICTIMS 5NIT PM +NIFEMARES /( 4(% 05..).' #(!..%, &)6% 9/5 !2% 35#( ! #!2$ AM .OW )S THE 4IME .IGHT OF #OMBAT +ICK "OXING AM 4HE 'REAT "IG "RITISH 1UIZ 4HERE S A FERRET TRAPPED IN A SOCKET

AM 4HE (OOBS AM " AM "IG "ROTHER S ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM "IG "ROTHER AM &RASIER AM )N 9OUR $REAMS AM 4HE $EADLY +NOWLEDGE 3HOW AM 4HE (OTTEST 7EB 3EARCHES AM .EW "OY AM $EADSVILLE AM 4ATE -ODERN AM 4ATE -ODERN PM .EWS AT .OON PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH $WDLAM PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH "IBI "EL PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH 0ENBLWYDD 0WY PM 0LANED 0LANT "ACH 0ENTRE "ACH PM (OUSE !UCTION PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM #OUNTDOWN PM 0LANED 0LANT "EYBLADE PM 4ELEDU %DDIE PM &FEIL PM 4HE .EW 0AUL / 'RADY 3HOW PM 4HE #OACH 4RIP PM 5NED PM .EWYDDION PM 0OBOL Y #WM PM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM #YMRU !M "YTH PM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION ) WOULD LIKE .IKKI TO GO 3O MUCH PM 2ESIDENT %VIL AM /UT OF #ATS ARE EVIL BASTARDS INTENT ON TAKING OVER THE 5NIVERSE AM 4HE &RIDAY .IGHT 0ROJECT AM 3CUMMY -AN )S THIS ABOUT !RCTIC -ONKEYS @CAUSE THEY ARE SUCH AN INTERESTING BAND ) M DEFINITELY GOING TO STAY UP AND ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ AM -ICHAEL *ACKSON S -OMENTS AM -ICHAEL *ACKSON S -OMENTS AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM %MBRACE ,IVE IN #ONCERT 4HEY ARE SUCH AN INTERESTING BAND ) M DEFINITELY GOING TO STAY UP TO WATCH ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ : S FILL UP LOTS OF SPACE

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AM "REAKFAST AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM 4ROOPING THE #OLOUR PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 7ORLD #UP &OCUS PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE PM ""# .EWS 2EGIONAL .EWS 7EATHER PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM *UST FOR ,AUGHS 4HE LAST TIME ) WATCHED THIS ) WAS HALF ASLEEP IN A CHALET AT 0ONTINS ) DON T RECALL LAUGH ING BUT ) DO RECALL BEING HALF DEAD WHICH MAY HAVE ACCOUNTED FOR MY LACK OF HILARITY -AYBE ) LL TUNE IN THIS WEEK TO CHECK ) WON T BECAUSE ) LL BE WATCHING FOOTBALL PM -Y &AMILY PM 7EAKEST ,INK PM $OCTOR 7HO PM 4HE .ATIONAL ,OTTERY *ET 3ET PM #ASUALTY PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY PM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM &RIDAY .IGHT WITH *ONATHAN 2OSS AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY 2EPLAY AM 3IGN :ONE (OLBY #ITY AM *OINS ""# .EWS 7ELL WELL WELL !NOTHER YEAR FLIES BY ANOTHER 46 EDITOR DEPARTS 46 *OHN HAS FLOWN THE NEST AND ) M TAKING UP THE @HONOUR OF MOST SENIOR MEMBER OF 46 DESK 7HETHER ) MERIT SUCH SENIORITY IS SUBJECT TO DEBATE ) VE JUST FOUND HALF A BOILED SWEET BURIED IN MY HAIR AND COULD ONLY FIND FOUR SEPARATE ODD SHOES WHEN ) WANTED TO DEPART MY HUMBLE ABODE TO WRITE THIS NONSENSE SO YEAH ) M NOT UP TO THIS LEVEL OF RESPONSIBILITY )T S BEEN A FUN YEAR OF LISTINGS BUT NOW IT IS TIME FOR US ALL TO DEPART $ON T EVEN 4().+ ABOUT CONSULTING THE 2ADIO 4IMES

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(OLIDAY IN 9OUR (EART 4HE 3UMMER OF FIVE PM

AM #"EEBIES 'ORDON THE 'ARDEN 'NOME AM #OME /UTSIDE AM "OBgS -INI 0ROJECTS AM /UR 0LANET AM "OOGIE "EEBIES AM #""# ,OONEY 4UNES AM !RTHUR AM $ENNIS THE -ENACE AM 7ATCH -Y #HOPS AM 4ROLLZ AM 7HATgS .EW 3COOBY $OO AM -IGHTY 4RUCK OF 3TUFF AM 3PORTSROUND PM 3EE (EAR PM 4ALKING -OVIES PM 'RANDSTAND 1UEENgS 4ENNIS 3EMI &INALS PM &LOG )T PM 4ROOPING THE #OLOUR (IGHLIGHTS PM )MAGINE ! 3HORT (ISTORY OF 4ALL "UILDINGS PM 4HE #ULTURE 3HOW PM 4HE 3UMMER OF PM 1) PM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM 4HE #ULTURE 3HOW AM *OINS ""# .EWS AM ""# ,EARNING :ONE /PEN 5NIVERSITY AND 'ENERAL )NTEREST 3CIENCE 3HACK AM ,AB $ETECTIVES AM "ACKGROUND "RIEF &RYING OR &REEZING AM (IDDEN 6ISIONS AM 4HE "IRTH OF #ALCULUS AM /PEN !DVICE 3TUDY TO 3UCCEED -AYBE ) SHOULD VE TAKEN SOME OF THAT @OPEN ADVICE AND ACTUALLY DONE SOME STUDYING DURING MY TIME AS A STUDENT AT THIS PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY 3TILL YOU DON T NEED TO DO A A JOT OF STUDYING TO SUCCEED AS A 46 EDITOR !LL YOU NEED IS A FEW ANTI SOCIAL HABITS A LOVE OF PIZZA AND A LACK OF OTHER TIME CONSUMING HOBBIES 7E MAY NEED AN EXTRA PAIR OF HANDS NEXT YEAR OR FAILING THAT SOMEONE TO STAND BY US AND TELL US HOW AMAZING WE ARE ) KNOW HOW MUCH 46 'ARETH WOULD LIKE THAT AM 7AVING .OT $ROWNING AM 4HE #HALLENGE

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FIVE PM

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AM "OOHBAH AM 0OCOYO AM &UN 3ONG &ACTORY AM ,ITTLE %INSTEINS AM $ORA THE %XPLORER AM (OUSE OF -OUSE AM $AVE THE "ARBARIAN AM 3PONGE"OB 3QUARE0ANTS AM +IM 0OSSIBLE +IM 7ILDE S SLIGHTLY MORE CIVILISED COUSIN !CTUALLY +IM 7ILDE S A BIT BORING THESE DAYS WHAT WITH THOSE (OLLAND "ARRETT ADVERTS AND ALL THAT GARDENING 9AWN AM 3ATURDAY #OOKS AM 4OO -ANY #OOKS AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM '0 PM )46 .EWS 7EATHER PM )46 7ALES .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM )46 7ALES .EWS AND 7EATHER PM )46 .EWS 3PORTS 2ESULTS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP )TALY VS 5NITED 3TATES 4HIS INITIALLY MADE ME THINK

h7HAT WILL 2AYMOND "ARONE DO v %XACTLY 2AYMOND "ARONE IS THE STAR OF THE SITCOM %VERYBODY ,OVES 2AYMOND AND AS ) M SURE YOU KNOW HE IS AN !MERICAN #ITIZEN OF )TALIAN DESCENT (E LIKES BASEBALL SO SURELY HE LL OPT FOR THE 53 BUT ALSO HE REALLY LOVES BEEF "IRJOLE SO )TALY YEH ) DON T KNOW )F YOU WANT TO FIND OUT DON T NECESSARILY TUNE IN BECAUSE ) DON T THINK #LIVE 4YLDESLEY S GOING TO KNOW PM 7HO 7ANTS TO "E A -ILLIONAIRE PM 7ORLD #UP #ZECH 2EPUBLIC VS 'HANA PM 0ARKINSON PM )46 .EWS PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM )46 0LAY 4HE -INT AM 0EOPLEgS #OURT AM )46 .IGHTSCREEN AM )46 %ARLY -ORNING .EWS COME AND PESTER US NEXT TERM ) LIKE TO BE PESTERED

AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE 4REACLE 0EOPLE AM !DRENALIN 2USH AM ,LOYDS 43" )NSURANCE "RITISH & )NTERNATIONAL 3ERIES AM 4HE -ORNING ,INE AM 4 "IG "ROTHERgS ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM 4 0URE 4 AM 4 &RIENDS AM 4 0OPWORLD AM 4 &RIENDS AM 4 "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM 4 "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM -C&LY 6IDEO %XCLUSIVE PM 4 #HANTELLEgS $REAM $ATES PM #HANNEL 2ACING PM )TgS -E OR THE $OG PM 7IFE 3WAP PM $EAL OR .O $EAL PM #HANNEL .EWS PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 4HE 0LAYgS THE 4HING PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM "IG "ROTHER $IARY 2OOM 5NCUT AM 4HE !LBUM #HART 3HOW AM $OWNLOAD &ESTIVAL AM -ICHAEL *ACKSONgS -OMENTS AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM (UMDRUM AM #OUNTDOWN AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED $ON T YOU JUST HATE THESE CRAPPY WEEKEND LISTINGS ) D JUST LIKE TO CLARIFY THE FACT THAT IT S NOT OUR FAULT 3O TO MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF ADEQUATE PRO GRAMME INFORMATION WAS THERE EVER ) M GOING TO LIST THE FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO LOOK A BIT LIKE 46 DESK 4HAT WAY YOU CAN RECOG NISE US AND POUR FORTH YOUR ADULATION AND GIFTS A PLENTY 46 *OHN LOOKS A BIT LIKE 'ERRARD 7AY 2OBERT 3MITH 46 'ARETH *IMMY 3AVILLE JUST HAD TO GET IT IN /.% MORE TIME 46 *ANE %RM +YLIE -INOGUE OR #ARLY FROM %ASTENDERS NO ) DON T KNOW WHO SHE IS EITHER 46 'RACE ,AURENCE

AM 3UNRISE AM /SWALD AM /SWALD AM 4HE !DVENTURES OF "OTTLE 4OP "ILL AND HIS "EST &RIEND #ORKY AM -AKE 7AY FOR .ODDY AM &RANNYgS &EET AM 2OOBARB AND #USTARD 4OO AM 0EPPA 0IG AM 4HE "OOK OF 0OOH AM 'ERALD -C"OING "OING AM 7ISHBONE AM 2!$ 4HE 'ROMS 4OUR !MERICA AM .O 'IRLS !LLOWED AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM ! "RAND .EW ,IFE PM "ABY "EDLAM PM #HARMED PM (OLIDAY IN 9OUR (EART PM #RICKET ON FIVE PM FIVE NEWS AND SPORT PM .#)3 PM #3) .9 PM ,AW AND /RDER #RIMINAL )NTENT PM .URSE "ETTY AM .(, )CE (OCKEY AM %NGLAND V 'ERMANY 4HE ,EGENDS 'OOD ) MISSED THIS FIRST TIME ROUND BECAUSE ) WAS AT A GIG 0LEASE NOTE ) MENTIONED THAT ) WAS AT A GIG FOR FURTHER CONFIRMATION THAT ) AM #//, AND THAT NEVERMIND THE +OOKS ) SHOULD BE YOUR HERO ) VE WATCHED THE "ORIS *OHNSON TACKLE SEVERAL TIMES ON YOUTUBE COM BUT IT WILL BE NICE TO SEE THE WHOLE MATCH

EDIT 4HIS ISN T 46 'ARETH NOW (E S GONE AND BUGGERED OFF LEAVING POOR LITTLE ME 46 'RACE ALONE TO FEND FOR MYSELF ) VE SUDDENLY GOT AN OVERWHELMING FEELING OF D£JÍ VU ) WONDER WHY 46 $OPPELGANGERS CONTD ,LEWELLYN "OWEN 46 .EIL ) HAVE NO IDEA 9OU LL BE ABLE TO SPOT HIM EASILY AS HE LL BE NEXT TO 'ARETH 46 %LLEN ,OOKS A WEE BIT LIKE 46 %LLEN ) DON T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO SHE LOOKS LIKE ! PRETTY GIRL

35.$!9 *5.% #OAST ""# PM

AM "REAKFAST 46 %LLEN RESENTS YOU FOR EATING BREAKFAST AND HOPES YOUR MILK IS SOUR YOUR CROISSANT POISONED YOU THOUGHT OF THE GAME AND YOUR MICROWAV ABLE PASTA EXPLODES KILLING EVERYTHING IN A FIVE MILE RADIUS AM 3UNDAY ! AM (EAVEN AND %ARTH WITH 'LORIA (UNNIFORD AM "ARGAIN (UNT AM #OUNTRYFILE PM 4HE 0OLITICS 3HOW PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM #ASH IN THE !TTIC PM %AST%NDERS PM (OLIDAY "EST PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED 4HE IDEAL THING RIGHT NOW ON A 3UNDAY IT S A DAY OF REST 'OD WANTS YOU TO SIT ON YOUR ARSE LEARNING THE FINE SKILL OF PROCRASTINATION WOULD BE A SHOWING OF THE CLASSIC FILM 4HE $ARK #RYSTAL 7ATCHING IT IS LIKE HAVING A REALLY BAD ACID TRIP WHILST BEING DRAGGED THROUGH A HEDGE BACKWARDS ) WOULD IMAGINE AND IS ALL ABOUT LITTLE ELF MUPPETS CALLED GELFLINGS WHO ARE TRYING TO DEFEAT WEIRD SCARY VULTURE PEOPLE )T IS THE UNDERDOG OF CHILDRENS FILMS BIT LIKE ,ABRYNTH BUT NO $AVID "OWIE S SCARY PENIS ) THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO ATTACK ME WHEN ) WAS YOUNGER LEAP OUT FROM DARK CORRIDORS h$!6)$ "/7)% 3 0%.)3 !44!#+ v .OOOO PM 3ONGS OF 0RAISE PM !NTIQUES 2OADSHOW PM ""# .EWS 2EGIONAL .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY ,IVE PM ""# .EWS 7EATHER PM 0ANORAMA PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY AM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM 7ORLD #UP -ATCH OF THE $AY 2EPLAY AM 3IGN :ONE !RE 7E #HANGING 0LANET %ARTH

"REAKFAST ""# AM

AM #"EEBIES 4IKKABILLA AM 4ELETUBBIES AM #""# "ATFINK AM +RYPTO THE 3UPERDOG AM 3MILE AM 4HE "IG $IG AM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 3UNDAY 'RANDSTAND PM #ATALUNYA -OTORCYCLE 'RAND 0RIX PM 4ENNIS FROM 1UEENgS PM 2OWING PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM #OAST PM 4OP OF THE 0OPS PM (OW ) -ET 9OUR -OTHER 9OUR MOTHER WAS A BEAUTIFUL CYBORG FROM THE FUTURE WHO CAME BACK TO WARN ME ABOUT SOME KIND OF IMPENDING DOOM THING BUT INSTEAD SHE GOT DISTRACTED BY MY LOVELY ANKLE HAIR 4HATS WHY YOU ARE MADE OF TITA NIUM AND WE LIVE IN AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER PM .ATURAL 7ORLD PM $EER IN THE #ITY $ARREN THE DEER IS FINDING IT HARD TO COPE IN HIS RELOCATION TO .EW 9ORK &ALL /UT "OY KEEP TRYING TO STEAL HIS HORNS FOR THEIR VIDEO AND HE CANT CALL HIS MUM $EIDRE TO CRY COZ HE DOESN T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS PM &RANCESCOgS )TALY 4OP TO 4OE PM 4HE /FFICE PM &UNLAND PM $EAD 2INGERS AM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM ""# ,EARNING :ONE 7ORK3KILLS IN THE #OMMUNITY 2AISING &UNDS AM -EDIA 2ELATIONS AM %NTERPRISING )DEAS (OW ABOUT A 46 LISTINGS PAGE WHICH WRITES ITSELF @#AUSE ) M HUNGRY SLIGHTLY DIZZY AND ) DREAMED LAST NIGHT A GIANT MONSTER JUMPED OUT OF MY CUPBOARD AND TRIED TO EAT ME !ND HE SAID ) TASTED LIKE OLD HAM AM 6OLUNTEERING IS FOR MUPPETS WITH A CONSCIENCE

"UY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE AND GET A ND FOR 3MALL a -EDIUM a

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AM 4HE (OOBS AM !DRENALIN 2USH AM ,LOYDS 43" )NSURANCE "RITISH & )NTERNATIONAL 3ERIES AM 4HE -ORNING ,INE AM &RIENDS AM &RIENDS AM "IG "ROTHERgS ,ITTLE "ROTHER AM 4OTALLY &RANK AM #HANTELLEgS $REAM $ATES %W

PROBABLY 3EZER FROM "IG "ROTHER ONCE SHE GETS RID OF 0RESTON THE 0RAT AM 4HE /# PM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE %VICTION PM #HANNEL 2ACING PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 'HOSTBUSTERS )) (AVE ) EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH ) LOVE "ILL -URRAY 7ELL NOW YOU KNOW PM .EWYDDION A #HWARAEON PM $UDLEY )S THIS A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT $UDLEY THE TOWN ) KNEW A BOY CALLED #HRIS $UDLEY ONCE (E USED TO MAS TURBATE DURING HISTORY LESSONS (OW CHARMING PM $IRGELWCH 9R /GOF PM (ANES #YMRU !gR -OR PM "IG "ROTHER (EY THERE 46 FANS 46 'ARETH HERE 4HE PROTOCOL THIS WEEK IS TO KEEP THINGS A LITTLE MORE HIGH BROW

BECAUSE OF THE "ERLINER AND WHAT NOT 4HIS MEANS @NO PICTURES OF COCKS 7HICH MAKES ME FEEL LIKE WE HAVE LET YOU DOWN 4HIS WEEK ) M REVEALING MYSELF TO BE AS BIG A HOOLIGAN PRICK AS THE NEXT KNOBSACK TO STUMBLE OUT OF THE 7OODVILLE WITH MY CHAMPIONING OF ALL THINGS 7ORLD #UP ) LIKE TO THINK IT S THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME HETEROSEXUAL PM 9 #LWB 2YGBI 2HYNGWLADOL AM #OMIC 3TRIP 0RESENTS AM 4RANSMISSION 7ITH 4 -OBILE AM "IG "ROTHER $IARY 2OOM 5NCUT AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM +/46

#RICKET ON FIVE

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AM 4HE 3UNDAY 0ROGRAMME /K SO ) HATE STEPPING IN ON OTHER PEOPLE S PAGES )T MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A DIRTY LITTLE PAGE THIEVING TRAMP !ND BESIDES ) COULD ENDORSE SOMETHING THAT THE OTHER 46 EDI TOR IS OPPOSED TO ,IKE BESTIALITY .OT THAT ) CONDONE SUCH TERRIBLE ACTS ) WAS JUST USING THAT AS AN EXAMPLE ) DO HOWEVER WANT TO MARRY A SULTAN AND BECOME A TRO PHY WIFE WHICH MIGHT NOT FIT IN THE FEMINIST PRINCIPLES OF THE OTHERS IN THE 46 DESK POSSE 3O TO AVOID CONFUSION ) SHALL MARK MY WRITINGS WITH A SMALL ASTERIX )T LOOKS A LITTLE BIT LIKE THIS AM ,ITTLE %INSTEINS AM 2ECESS AM 3UPER 2OBOT -ONKEY 4EAM AM 0OWER 2ANGERS 30$ AM 3PONGE"OB 3QUARE0ANTS AM 7INX #LUB AM 3KILLZ AM (ARRY (ILLgS 3HARK )NFESTED #USTARD AM 3UNDAY &EAST AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM )46 .EWS 7EATHER PM )46 7ALES .EWS AND 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP PM )46 7ALES .EWS AND 7EATHER PM )46 .EWS 7EATHER PM 7ORLD #UP

PM %MMERDALE &AMILY !LBUM PM #ORONATION 3TREET PM (EARTBEAT PM 4HE 'IRLS 7HO #AME 4O 3TAY 7HEN ) WAS A BONNY YOUNG LASS ) WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO A SLEEPOVER ) CHANGED MY MIND AND WENT TO SEE THE (OLLIES IN CONCERT -Y FRIEND DIDN T TALK TO ME FOR TWO WEEKS BUT IT WAS WORTH IT PM )46 .EWS PM 7ORLD #UP (IGHLIGHTS AM )TgS -Y ,IFE 4RUTH AND THE -EDIA AM )46 0LAY 4HE -INT AM &AT #HANCE 4HIS MAKES ME WANT A CORNETTO AM "OOT 3ALE 4REASURE (UNT )T S UNDER THE @8

AM 4HE (OOBS -MM #ORNETTO ) CAN T CONCENTRATE FULLY UNTIL ) WRAP THAT TASTY TREAT ROUND MY PARCHED MOUTH ) SHALL ATTEMPT TO WRITE SOMETHING BUT IT MAY BE ICE CREAM THEMED (ERE S A LIST OF MY TOP FIVE ICE CREAMS #ORNETTO STRAWBERRY 4HE ORIGINAL AND BEST "OUNTY ,IKE THE CHOCOLATE BAR ONLY COLD &RUIT 0ASTILLE ,OLLY 4HIS GETS MY VOTE BECAUSE IT S AN EXCITING FROZEN TREAT 7ATCH THE COLOURFUL LAYERS APPEAR AS YOU CHOMP "EN AND *ERRY S #OOKIE $OUGH 4ASTY

ALTHOUGH RATHER PRICEY 4HE CAKE ICE CREAM SANDWICH COMBO ) M UNAWARE OF ITS ACTUAL NAME BUT MY OH MY IT S DARN SCRUMMY AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4RANS 7ORLD 3PORT AM &REESPORTS ON AM 6EE 46 AM 4 /NE 4REE (ILL AM 4 (OLLYOAKS /MNIBUS PM 4 "IG "ROTHERgS ,ITTLE "ROTHER PM 4OTALLY &RANK PM 4HE /# PM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM ,OST PM #HANNEL .EWS PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM &ILM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM -USIC 0RESENTS AM 4HE !LBUM #HART 3HOW AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM +/46 AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE .OW IT S TIME TO SAY MY FOND FAREWELL )T HAS BEEN A DAY OF GOOD BYES .OT ONLY THE LAST PAPER BUT ALSO MY LAST DAY AT WORK TOO ) SHALL MISS FEEDING

AM &RANKLIN AM 3AILOR 3ID AM 2OLIE 0OLIE /LIE AM /SWALD AM /SWALD AM 4HE !DVENTURES OF "OTTLE 4OP "ILL AND HIS "EST &RIEND #ORKY AM -AKE 7AY FOR .ODDY AM &RANNYgS &EET AM 2OOBARB AND #USTARD 4OO AM 0EPPA 0IG AM 4HE "OOK OF 0OOH AM 'ERALD -C"OING "OING AM 3NOBS AM -AKE )T "IG AM (OSPITAL AM -ATCH !CADEMY AM 2OUND THE 4WIST PM ! $IFFERENT ,IFE PM $IVINE $ESIGNS 3PITALFIELDS WITH 0AUL "INSKI PM FIVE NEWS UPDATE PM 3EEMS LIKE /LD 4IMES PM $ANIELLE 3TEELgS 4HE 2ING PM FIVE NEWS AND SPORT PM -Y &ATHER THE (ERO PM 4HE 3INGING %STATE PM 0ROOF OF ,IFE PM 7ORLDgS 7ILDEST 0OLICE 6IDEOS AM )RONMAN 4RIATHLON AM -AJOR ,EAGUE "ASEBALL ,IVE AM 'OLF 4HE #HALLENGE AM -OTORSPORT -UNDIAL AM #RICKET ON FIVE (EY THERE 46 'RACE HERE ) HAVEN T THE FOGGI EST WHO WROTE THAT CHARMING LIST OF SUM MER PLANS TO YOUR RIGHT BUT HERE IS MY SLIGHTLY MORE CONDENSED SUMMER DIARY ,OUNGE AROUND %NJOY THE COMPANY OF MY TWO CATS %NJOY THE POSSIBLITY OF COUNTERACTING THE EARLY STAGES OF SCURVY THAT ) M NOW EXPERIENCING ,OUNGE SOME MORE 4AKE LONG WALKS IN THE BEAUTIFUL 0EAK $ISTRICT COUNTRYSIDE 7ORK A BIT TO FUND COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SHOE SHOPPING "UY SHOES

AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4HE (OOBS AM 4RANS 7ORLD 3PORT AM &REESPORTS ON AM 6EE 46 AM (OLLYOAKS /MNIBUS AM /NE 4REE (ILL PM 9R 7YTHNOS PM -ANIFFESTO PM "YD O ,IW PM "IG "ROTHERgS ,ITTLE "ROTHER PM 4O "E !NNOUNCED PM .EWYDDION PM 0OBOL Y #WM /MNIBWS PM $ECHRAU #ANU $ECHRAU #ANMOL PM #RWYDRO 3INCE THIS IS THE LAST GAIR RHYDD OF THE YEAR AND ) M STILL UNSURE HOW TO SPELL IT GOOD JOB ) M HERE THEN EH 'EORDIE THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE ) WOULD LIKE TO THANK -YSELF PM 4IPYN / 3TAD PM .EWYDDION PM "IG "ROTHER PM /NE (OUR 0HOTO AM 7IFE 3WAP AM -Y .EW (OME AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED AM "IG "ROTHER ,IVE AM 4O "E !NNOUNCED 4HIS SUMMER ) WILL BE ,ARGEING IT UP AT "ENNACASSIM AND "ARCELONA ,ARGEING IT UP IN #YPRUS WITH MY FAMILY ,ARGEING IT UP AT THE %DINBURGH &RINGE &ESTIVAL ,ARGEING IT UP IN GENERAL 7ATCHING TOO MANY REPEATS OF "UFFY $YING OF SUNSTROKE )NTENDING TO GO TO THE GYM WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT ) WILL EAT MILKSHAKES ALL SUM MER -ISSING UNIVERSITY FRIENDS 3OB -ISSING PRIVACY AND MY MOTHER NOT ASK ING ME WHERE ) AM GOING AND WHAT ) AM DOING EVERY FIVE SECONDS 4AKING ADVANTAGE OF MY MOTHER NO NOT IN THAT WAY BY MAKING HER COOK

345$%.4 3!6%2 !NY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY a $ELIVERED

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Will Schmit provides you with a guide to the soundtrack of your summer

4

O CRAM ALL OF THE MUSIC FESTIVITIES THAT WILL HAPPENING IN AND AROUND #ARDIFF ALONG WITH A COUPLE FUR THER INLAND IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE THIS SUMMER WITH ALL THINGS GUITAR WISE OCCURRING LEFT RIGHT AND CENTRE IN VEN UES SUCH AS THE -ILLENNIUM 3TADIUM

"ARFLY AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER OPEN AIR FIELD BEACH AND GRASSY KNOLL Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not going to ramble on about how you should work up an excited sweat about the prospect of going to a festival you might have heard of based in Reading or Leeds, or inform you that four parts of an ageing, decrepit 90s boyband are reforming and touring this summer. Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s something a little different, and maybe you might (I emphasize the word might) even learn something.

One event that takes place each year throughout Cardiff is the #ARDIFF &ESTIVAL. One of the highlights of the festival has to be the Big Weekend, which this year sees the return of a Welsh favourite. On August 6, #ERYS -ATTHEWS will be headlining the event, which sees three days of big names on the Memory Lane stage, and one of Europeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s largest funfairs in the grand setting of the cityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Civic Centre making up the UKâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s biggest free outdoor festival.

Other highlights of the three day event

include +UBB the #RIMEA and the !UTOMATIC. This isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the only time this summer that the Automatic and Cerys Matthews visit Cardiff this year, with both artists playing a somewhat more intimate type of gig in one of Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s newest and best music venues, The Point, on July 23 and 24 respectively. Cerysâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gig, in which support comes from ex-Gorkyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Zycotic Mynci, 2ICHARD *AMES, is sold out unfortunately, although tickets still remain for the Automaticâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gig the previous night at just ÂŁ7.50.

If you still fancy a gig of the more intimate kind, but these arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t your cup of Earl Grey, then we should draw your attention to Barfly on the July 16. One of Sheffieldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brightest hopes (other than that band) -ILBURN will be stopping off as part of their UK tour. Energetic, infectious, and full of hope they are, although Arctic Monkeysâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; poorer cousins they are not.

Surprisingly it hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sold out yet, so if there are still tickets left at the time of reading you would be nothing short of insane if you let this ooportunity slip through your grubby mits. Tickets are a snip at ÂŁ8.50.

Another pant-moisteningly exciting gig for those of you hanging around Cardiff

this summer comes courtesy of "ILLY 4ALENT. The gig is in Solus so will satisfy that Union fix of yours if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re feeling a bit homesick. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s on the July 8 and tickets are just ÂŁ11.

If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re after a more mud-induced, drink-fulled festival atmosphere, but donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to have the hassle of an expensive trip up to all ends of the country, then read on, as the following may be for you.

On the 26 August, the Metro sponsored 'ET ,OADED IN THE 0ARK visits Coopers Field, with quite the range of artists on show. 3NOW 0ATROL are confirmed as headliners for the inde-dance crossover event, with the 9OUNG +NIVES the 0IPETTES AND ,ETHAL "IZZLE also definitely worth lending your ear to. Also making a guest appearance at the event will be ex-Happy Monday, Bez, who will no doubt be putting on a show of maracca inspired tomfoolery. The tickets are ÂŁ20 and the mini-festival starts at 12 noon and goes on unitl 11pm.

As usual the Millennium Stadium is taking advantage of the various closed-seasons to open its turnstiles to hordes of gig-goers. This summer will see the Stadium making three of its biggest ever recruits, starting off on the

June 25, with the %AGLES. On July 30 -ADONNA brings her oh-so controversial Confessions Tour to the Stadium, although with tickets starting at ÂŁ55 and somewhat difficult to get hold of, this may be one for the diehards.

The highlight of the music at the Millennium Stadium, however, looks to be the visit of the mighty 2OLLING 3TONES on August 29. The Bigger Bang Tour, which features all four of the bandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s members, Mick

Jagger, Keith Richards (pictured), Ronnie Wood and Charlie Watts, is set to be an incredible slab stadium rock, in the manner that it was intended to be done.

My final recommendation that I will put to you before I drop out of the tax-free section of society, and begin to pay back the money I have so kindly been lent to spend on killing myself in the last three years of my life is as follows; 7AKESTOCK. For those of you who donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know, Wakestock takes place in Pwllheli in North Wales, and combines some of the UKâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s greatest bands with the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s best in all things wakeboarding. This year sees the :UTONS

&EEDER AND #ARL #OX headline the event, which runs from the 14-15 July, with tickets costing you just ÂŁ45 for the whole weekend, you tax-evading, loan-assisted scummy students. I bid you a fond farewell, and for the final ever time, enjoy.

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Jenna Harris gives the lowdown on whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll make you laugh this summer O MARK THE END OF TERM ,ISTINGS IS PREVIEWING SOME OF THE BEST COMIC TALENT ON OFFER OUTSIDE OF #ARDIFF FROM ,ONDON TO THE %DINBURGH &RINGE &ESTIVAL Bill Bailey, perhaps best known for being the ridiculously hairy one on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, is probably one of the best comedians in the country. I know that we say that almost every week, but this time we really mean it. Well, more than usual. Baileyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s appeal stems from his persona as a thoroughly likeable man, with a very relaxed comic style that endears him to an audience. As fans of Black Books will also know, he is able to steal most of the scenes he is in, which is difficult when working with someone like Dylan Moran.

Bailey basically rocks, and not just with his guitar. This is on July 14 at Pleasance Theatre, London, 8pm. ÂŁ12.50.

Psychotherapist-turned stand-up comedian *IMMY #ARR (I feel sorry for his past patients) takes his acid-tinged wit on a new British tour. Carr, a comedian since 1998, was nominated for a Perrier Award in 2002. Since then, his profile has risen stratospherically, and he is now found fronting numerous shows for Channel 4, from the (admittedly filler) top 100 poll shows to programmes that showcase his

#,/#+7)3% -ADONNA

"ILL "AILEY 'ARY @3NOW 0ATROL ,IGHTBODY AND #ERYS -ATTHEWS

2%#/--%.$%$ !243 Rosaria Sgueglia is your guide to the Swansea Bay Summer Festival

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VERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE SUM MER IS NOT THE MOST EXCITING PERIOD OF THE YEAR FRIENDS GO BACK HOME AND ALL THE ACTIVITIES STOP IN ORDER TO RESTART IN 3EPTEMBER Well this year the most interesting event of your summer will not be going on holiday.

Starting in May, THE 3WANSEA "AY 3UMMER &ESTIVAL promises us a variety of new and funny events until September.

For those of you who want to enjoy the end of exams by indulging in a crazy party, %SCAPE INTO THE 0ARK is going to see an array of incredible acts and DJs. It is hosted by the Godskitchen, the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s biggest dance brand .

On Sunday June 18 the Swansea Bay Summer Festival is going to promote the .ATIONAL 4RANSPORT &ESTIVAL OF 7ALES; 400 classic cars, motor cycles,vans, military vehicles, trucks,buses and coaches are going to be the main attractions of this event. Definitely one for the car addicts amongst you.

This festival is going to be completely free - is free access already a temptation?

Even if you will be in Cardiff in August donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be afraid that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m recom-

mending a special event based in Swansea .

4HE /UTDOOR 3HAKESPEARE (AMLET located in the Oystermouth Castle is going to guarantee an extraordinary show. For those who donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know the story hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a quick summary.

Prince Hamlet of Denmark is urged by his fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ghost to avenge his murder at the hands of the dead kingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brother. To make matters worse, Claudius has married Hamletâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mother Gertrude. Denmark is also under threat of invasion from young Fortinbras, who seeks to regain lands lost to Hamletâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s father by his own.

In the mean time, Hamlet feigns madness with his family and friends, including his beloved Ophelia .

The play will no doubt provide a powerful mix of indecision, revenge, ambition, loyalty and fate in a beautiful summer evening frame .

All these and many more activities are avalable during the Swansea Bay Summer Festival. The festival represents the best chance to improve your holidays whilst still remaining in Wales. For further information about the festival visit www.swanseabayfestival.net.

talent, such as his current quiz show Eight Out of Ten Cats. If you go expecting to not be offended then youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re at the wrong show- Jimmy Carr and PC donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t often meet but his style of comedy is something that should be experienced. Work in Progress by Jimmy Carr is on August 14 at Hen and Chickens Theatre, London.

7.30pm. ÂŁ6.

2IK -AYALL, long established Great British comedian, tours his creation, Alan Bâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Stard from ITVâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s The New Statesman, a shockingly selfish and corrupt politician from the 1980s Conservative government.

What has happened to Bâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Stard since?

Given the situation facing the Labour Party, with the backlash against Blair and his decision to go to war, it is likely that Mayall will be attacking the current government. Alongside his most memorable work, The Young Ones, Mayall has long been a staple of alternative comedy, helping to establish it as a tour de force on television, paving the way for many British comedy series, from Green Wing to comedy quiz shows. The Blair B'Stard Project New Statesman Tour is on June 19-24 at the Opera House, Manchester. 7.30pm. ÂŁ6.

2USSELL "RAND continues his reinvention from crack addict to comic with a burgeoning career. Once sacked from his job

at MTV for his out-of-order behaviour, Brand has since cleaned up his act, and has presented Big Brotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Big Mouth, and this year returned to MTV with his own entertainment show, 1 Leicester Square.

While Big Brother is, as always, duller than ditchwater, with an assortment of freaks carted out to do nothing, BBBM is different. I actually found myself watching BBBM just because Brand is so entertaining. From his mannerisms to his charmingly strange behaviour, he is just really funny, and if he can make Big Brother sound interesting then imagine what he can do with his own stand-up show. You can catch him at the Newbury Comedy Festival 2006 on Saturday July 15 at New Greenham Arts Centre. 8pm. ÂŁ7.

Finally, no summer would be complete without the %DINBURGH #OMEDY &ESTIVAL, from 6-28 August. Over previous years, anyone whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s anyone in the world of comedy has attended, from Paul Merton to Dara Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Briain, so this year is a dead cert to be good. Expect anything from big names to wacky unknowns. For more information visit: www.edfringe.com.

Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all for now, but hopefully itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s enough to keep all you lovely people busy over the summer.

gairrhydd

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2ECENTLY ) HAVE FOUND THAT THE ONLY WAY ) CAN @GET MY KICKS AS THEY SAY

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4 3TRAINER #ATHAYS $2 -!44 (ELLO AND BEHOLD %MPLACE ON TABLE THAT SANDWICH AT ONCE $ID YOU KNOW 4 3TRAINER THAT ) HAVE MOST LY DEPLETED THE HOURS OF TODAY BY BEING FAR TOO LONG FOR PEOPLE WITH BROLLIES TO COPE WITH ) AM NOW OPERATING WITH HALF AN EYE AND LISTENING TO SOME BE SHORTED MEN DOING THINGS TO GRASS ON THE 4%,%6)35!, /54054 DOWNSTAIRS !ND ANYWAY WHAT DO YOU THINK

!MBER (OW MIGHT IT BE OCCURRING FOR YOU !.$ 4(!4 "2! ) MUST SHOUT )3 "!&&,).' /H AND ) M A RESOURCEFUL SORCERER THESE DAYS ONE MUST KINDLY REFER TO ME AS SUCH !-"%2 9ES THIS BRA IS NICE ISN T IT )T S &RENCH ) BOUGHT IT AT A BOULAN GERIE 4ASTY !NYWAY ) NOTE THAT YOU HAVE NOT EVEN ATTEMPTED TO ANSWER POOR 4 S PROBLEM 4HAT IS UNLIKE YOU $2 -!44 ) MUST VE DERANGED MYSELF IN ABSENCE AND NONETHELESS CONSID ERED INTRODUCTION NECESSARY "ESIDES YOU VE NOT EVEN SAID HELLO CROISSANT BOOBS 0LUS ) CAN ONLY SPECULATE THAT 4 3TRAINER REQUIRES TAKING OUTSIDE FOR A JOLLY GOOD *IHADING 7HEN DISCUSSING COLANDERS ) ONLY EVER FIND MYSELF FALLING OVER AND APPROACHING QUIETLY UPSET &URTHER TO THEIR INABILITY TO SAVE RICE PEPPER FLOUR OR ANY OTHER SILLY THING YOU MIGHT SO WISH TO TEST A COLANDER WITH BY THROWING AT IT n LIKE VAST COLONIES OF TUMMY AFFABLE BACTE RIA n ) AM NOT ENTIRELY PERSUADED INTO NODDING WHEN BEING SPOKEN TO IN REGARDS TO THEIR POLICIES ON SIEVES !-"%2 7ELL IN THAT CASE ) LL SAY THIS DEAR 4 IT IS NORMAL DO NOT PANIC )T S ONLY WHEN YOU USE A SAUCEPAN TO POO IN THAT YOU RE WEIRD /H AND HELLO

$EAR !MBER AND $R -ATT

) HAVE A FASCINATION WITH TORCHES AND ) DON T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT ) LIKE TO SLEEP WITH ONE UNDER MY PIL LOW TAKE ONE TO LECTURES IN A SPECIAL PROTECTIVE CASE ) BOUGHT ON E"AY AND ) KEEP ONE IN EVERY ROOM OF MY HOUSE EVEN MY HOUSEMATES BEDROOMS ) KNOW IT ANNOYS THEM BUT A ROOM WITHOUT A TORCH IS LIKE FISH WITHOUT BATTER TO ME ) LIKE TO KEEP ONE ON WHILE ) SLEEP HAVE ONE ON WHEN ) HAVE SEX KEEP ONE BY MY SIDE WHEN ) GO TO THE GYM ) BOUGHT A SPECIAL MINI ONE FROM 7OOLWORTHS FOR THAT AND ON AND ON THE PROBLEM GOES -Y BOYFRIEND AND HOUSEMATES THINK ) M WEIRD AND HAVE CLUBBED TOGETHER TO BET ME a THAT ) CAN T LIVE WITHOUT ONE TORCH FOR A WEEK WITHOUT GOING MAD ) REALLY NEED THE MONEY BUT ) DON T THINK ) CAN DO IT !NY BRIGHT IDEAS

345&& !.$ 4(!4 (ELLO THERE !ND WELCOME TO THIS VERY VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF THE PROBLEM PAGE )T S NOT OFTEN WE PULL OUT THE STOPS AND IT S VERY UNUSUAL FOR ME TO BE ALLOWED TO PULL OUT $R -ATT S STOPS FNARRR BUT HERE YOU HAVE IT A WORK OF BLOOD

SWEAT TEARS AND MUCH ARGUING .AUGHTY $R -ATT KEPT TRYING TO OUTWIT ME WITH THAT RATHER LARGE VOCABULARY OF HIS BUT ) HAD THE LAST LAUGH BY GIVING HIM CRABS !ND EVEN AFTER ALL THAT WE HAVE MANAGED TO GIVE YOU ALL THE MOST SOUND ADVICE YOU LL GET FROM HERE TO WELL ANYWHERE WHERE THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU GOOD ADVICE "UT WHATEVER !NYWAY ) AM SORRY TO SAY THAT IT IS MY LAST PAGE EVER EVER EVER SO ) WISH TO SAY SOME FOND FAREWELLS -OSTLY TO THOSE WHO BOTHERED TO SEND ME THEIR PROBLEMS THAT WAS GOOD FOR A LAUGH AT LEAST AND VERY ENCOURAG ING TO FIND THAT MY SEX LIFE IS MUCH BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE S 3O THANKS

AND GOODNIGHT ,OTS OF LOVE FROM !MBER XXXX

$2 -!44 4AKE THE a AND WEAR THE TORCH UP YOUR FAFF )T D SOLVE MANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS IN ONE STUPIDLY BRIL LIANT MOMENT !ND !MBER DEAR MY HAIR IS CURRENTLY SEETHING WITH ANTS ) JUST PUT IT OUT IN THE GARDEN TO SLEEP AND IT S CRAWLED BACK UP MY FACE AND IS WRIGGLING AWAY ON MY FOD LIKE A CHAMP !M BACK OFF FOR A SPOT OF SORCERY NOW n DO TAKE CARE !-"%2 (OW DARE YOU IGNORE MY EROT IC ADVANCES ANTS OR NOT ) LL TEACH YOU A LESSON .OW WHERE S MY BUTTERNUT SQUASH

$EAR !MBER AND $R -ATT

) HAVE BEEN SACKED FROM MY JOB AS A BARMAID BECAUSE ) WOULDN T WEAR TOPS THAT WERE LOW CUT ENOUGH AND ) KEPT STEALING GIN WHEN THE MANAGER WASN T LOOKING 5NFORTUNATELY THE OTHER NIGHT ) GOT CAUGHT WITH MY MOUTH UNDER THE GIN TAP AND WAS SACKED ON THE SPOT THOUGH ) SUSPECT IF ) HAD BEEN WEARING A SMALLER TOP ) MAY STILL BE WORKING ) HATED THE JOB VERY MUCH BUT ) REALLY NEEDED THE MONEY 7HAT DO YOU THINK ) SHOULD DO NOW )S IT WORTH GOING GROVELLING WEARING A TIGHTER TOP TO MY NOW EX BOSS /R SHALL ) TRY SOMEWHERE ELSE ) HAVE VERY FEW WORK SKILLS AND MY DEGREE IS IN THEOLOGY ) DON T KNOW WHAT OTHER JOB ) COULD TRY 3O SHALL ) BEG FOR MY OLD JOB BACK 0LEASE HELP

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*AMIE 2OATH !-"%2 .O NOT REALLY ) MEAN IF IT WERE UP TO ME ) WOULDN T BOTHER ANSWERING THIS PROBLEM ALTOGETHER

BECAUSE ) AM TOO BUSY ADMIRING $R -ATT S SUBTLY TOUSLED HAIR TO TAKE ANY NOTICE OF YOUR NONSENSE (OW CAN ) RESIST THAT GLORIOUS MANE )T REMINDS ME OF 2ED ,EICESTER ! PROBLEM WITH TORCHES YOU SAY /H WELL ) SAY THAT THE LIGHTS ARE ON BUT THERE S NO ONE HOME HAHA /H ME ) M SO DONE OVER WITH MY WIT ) MAY HAVE TO HAVE A LIE DOWN $R -ATT CAN YOU SORT THIS OUT -MM YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE WET DOGS

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D N U 2O $EAR $R -ATT AND !MBER

) HAVE A DEEP SEATED SUSPICION THAT ) LL FAIL MY DEGREE BECAUSE ) SPENT THE ENTIRE THREE YEARS OF MY COURSE PISSED SHAGGING WATCHING $IAGNOSIS -URDER ) KNOW ) M A CLICH£ YOU DON T NEED TO TELL ME THAT "UT ) DO CERTAINLY NEED HELP

TYPECAST OR NOT BECAUSE IF ) FAIL MY DEGREE MY PARENTS WILL GO MENTAL AND WON T LET ME MOVE BACK TO THEIRS WHILE @LOOKING FOR A JOB AS ) PLANNED TO DO WHEN EXAMS WERE OVER EATING MY MUM S HOME COOKED TEA AND DRUNKENLY ARGUING WITH MY DAD LIKE BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS BEFORE ) CAME TO #ARDIFF 4HEY LL PROBABLY JUST LET ME DIE ON #ATHAYS 4ERRACE OR THE LIKE AND WON T EVEN TRY TO INTERVENE

BECAUSE THEY VE ALWAYS TOLD ME ) M A GOOD FOR NOTHING AND ) M BEGIN NING TO SUSPECT THEY MIGHT BE RIGHT 3O ) REALLY NEED TO PASS THESE EXAMS OR ) LL BE HOMELESS IN LESS THAN A FEW WEEKS JUST A FEW PASS ES AND ) LL PULL MY AVERAGE UP ENOUGH TO GET A DEGREE ) M @STUDY ING GEOLOGY !NY HINTS ,OVE 4RILO "YTE &LORA 3TREET $2 -!44 7ELL 3IMPLY RECOUNT THAT GEOLOGY IS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN LOTS

OF GEOGRAPHY STUDENTS BECAME DISSI DENT ROCK BASHERS BY GOING UP MOUN TAINS AND SAYING @,OOK CHAPS 7E RE PERFORMING GEOGRAPHY 'EOGRAPHY IS SO INCALCULABLY GLOBAL AND ENCOMPASSES EVERYTHING FROM MY BAROMETER TO A NATURE RESERVE THE ATMOSPHERE TO A CAVE SYSTEM !ND THAT THERE YEP SEE IT 4HAT S A 2/#+ 3O LET S JUST CLOBBER SOME ROCKS ABOUT AND WRITE ABOUT THEM INSTEAD !ND SO IT WAS WITH STICKS THAT THEY TRAMPED FORTH AND SAID

REPEATEDLY @THAT THERE THAT IS A ROCK !ND EVERYONE PEERED AND NOD DED AND MURMURED AND THEN THEY KEENLY BROKE THE ROCKS AND SAID

@THAT THERE IS A FOSSIL !ND SOME TIMES IT WAS !ND LO THEY WERE HAPPY ABOUT THAT AND OCCASIONALLY EVEN SEXED "UT SOMETIMES OF COURSE YOU GET TERRIBLY ENTHUSIASTIC GEOLOGISTS WHO TRY TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IGNEOUS ROCK COMES FROM VOLCA NOES 9OU SHOULDN T BELIEVE THEM 4HEY ARE LYING 6OLCANOES MAKE FIRE AND WARMTH AND DEAD PEOPLE AND DO NOT FORM PLANETS 7HAT DO YOU RECK ON !MBER 0ERHAPS YOU D LIKE TO BE RUDER TO THIS INTOLERABLE TWERP !-"%2 7ELL IT IS MY SPECIALITY ) WILL SAY THAT UNLESS YOU HAVE A SERI OUS PROBLEM YOU REALLY SHOULDN T STIR MYSELF OR $R -ATT FROM OUR CONJUGAL BED WE ARE BUSY MAKING LITTLE PAS TRIES AND IT S FIDDLY WORK 3O ) SUG GEST THAT YOU GO AND GRATE YOUR FEET WITH SOME PUMICE STONE AND WONDER AT THE ACTIVITIES OF VOLCANOES !ND IF YOU DON T PASS TOUGH SHIT #HEERS

!-"%2 7ELL HELLO THERE 0RUE ) DON T REALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR PREDICAMENT IF THE BIG EROTIC BOSS IN THE SKY DIDN T WANT US TO SHOW OFF OUR BAPS HE WOULDN T HAVE GIVEN THEM TO US !S WOMEN SURELY IT S OUR DUTY TO PUT OUR FUNBAGS OUT THERE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ADORATION ) MEAN WHAT OTHER PUR POSE DO NORKS HAVE OTHERWISE ) HEARD THAT CLEAVAGES ARE GOOD FOR KEEPING MONEY DOWN UMBRELLAS IN BEER BOTTLES WARM BUT APART FROM THAT THERE IS NO OTHER PURPOSE TO THEM UNLESS SEXUAL 4HAT BEING SAID YOU AS A THEOLOGY STUDENT MAY UNDERSTAND MORE ABOUT THIS GREAT DEBATE THAN ) A SIMPLE POOR AGONY AUNT ) MEAN WHAT DO ) KNOW 9ES /+ SO ) M A WHIZZ FOR THE HERBAL 34) REMEDIES BUT ) MEAN

COME ON 7HEN IT S DOWN TO LIFE S BIG QUESTIONS ) HOLD UP MY RATHER SHAPELY LITTLE HANDS WITH THEIR PERFECTLY MANI CURED PINK SHINY FINGERNAILS AND SAY

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THAT WAS A ./2+ !ND THEN ) PRODUCED SOME MATCHES AND DID CLEVER THINGS WITH SOME 3ELLOTAPE AND AFTERWARDS HAD MADE SOME FIRES IN ALL OF THE NEIGHBOURING VILLAGES "UT IF WE RE DISCUSSING THEOLOGY AND BREASTS INSTEAD OF A YOU BEING A SMUTTY STRUMPET GIN ABSCONDER AND B YOU BEING UNFAIRLY CRUEL IN ASSUMING THAT MEN WILL ONLY RE EMPLOY ON BASIS OF CLEAVAGE THEN YOU ARE NOT AN IMPRES SIVE THEOLOGIST AND MIGHT QUITE LIKE TO CHOP YOUR OWN THIGHS OFF WITH A STRIM MER INSTEAD &AILING THAT YOU SHOULD TRY AND FALL ASLEEP AT THE BOTTOM OF A CANAL !-"%2 #ONCURRED

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4HE +ING OF SWING England cricketer 3IMON *ONES talks about the Ashes, modelling, injuries and his first love

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N 2EGINALD 3HIRLEY "ROOKS DESCRIBED THE DEATH OF %NGLISH CRICKET (E WROTE h)N AFFECTIONATE REMEMBRANCE OF %NGLISH CRICKET WHICH DIED AT 4HE /VAL TH !UGUST

$EEPLY LAMENTED BY A LARGE CIR CLE OF SORROWING FRIENDS AND ACQUAIN TANCES 2)0 ." 4HE BODY WILL BE CRE MATED AND THE !SHES TAKEN TO !USTRALIA v However, it was accepted that England regained the Ashes late in the 19th century. But over the years, both England and Australia fought passionately for this monumental prize. Therefore, the death of English cricket caused the birth of an unprecedented and intense rivalry.

And this rivalry still exists in the present day. In July 2005 the pressure was firmly on England. The Ashes had been sitting in Australia for 18 years as public expectation began to grow. And, against the odds, England pulled off an inspired and unforgettable victory which touched the hearts of the nation.

Welsh fast-bowler Simon Jones was part of that Ashes-winning England squad.

In fact, Jones was widely regarded as an integral member of the England side. The 27-year-old seamer took 18 wickets in the first four matches before sitting out the last game due to injury.

Notably, in the Old Trafford test, Jones tore the Australian batting apart with bowling figures of 6-53 in the touristsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; first innings. Moreover, Jones dazzled the Trent Bridge crowd with an impressive five-wicket haul in the crucial fourth test.

Taking time out of a busy schedule, Jones was more than happy to discuss the glorious 2005 Ashes series. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I missed out on the last Ashes series because of my knee. I was determined to get back and play in the next one. I felt I had something to prove. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think they [Australia] were shocked about how aggressive and confident we were. They were expecting us to roll over like a lot of other teams had. We fought back after the test at Lords and I think that shocked them. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was the most memorable series I have ever played in, and was possibly the most remarkable series I ever will play in.

The feeling of relief in the changing room was incredible.â&#x20AC;?

Unfortunately, Jones picked up an injury during the fourth test at Trent Bridge. Although England were set a modest target of 129 to win in their second innings, wickets began to tumble rapidly as the tension increased. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I was inside with the physio and struggling at that point. I felt I had played my part in the game, although I wanted to take another five wickets in the second innings. â&#x20AC;&#x153;To be honest, myself and Steve Harmison were shitting ourselves. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really want to go out there. Brett Lee was bowling quick, Warney [Shane Warne] was looking dangerous, and one or two good balls could have ended the game.

Luckily, Gilo [Ashley Giles] and Hoggy [Matthew Hoggard] came through for us.â&#x20AC;?

The Ashes last summer caused cricket to appear on the front, as well as the back pages of national newspapers. According to Jones, the appeal of cricket has risen substantially in recent times. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The awareness of cricket has grown massively. I was at a rugby game last winter and it was a freezing day in Wales. To my amazement, I saw these kids playing cricket. That was unheard of or unseen a couple of years ago when kids werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t interested. Now they are.â&#x20AC;?

In 2006, Jones was voted as the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ninth sexiest man in a womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s magazine poll. In fact, Jones appeared above heartthrob George Clooney in the list. In order to keep himself busy during long injury lay-offs, Jones recently began a modelling career. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I have done a couple of naked shots for Cosmo, and a shoot for Elton Johnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s calendar. It raises your profile and a lot

more people see youâ&#x20AC;?.

In the build-up to last summerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Ashes, Australian fast-bowler Glenn McGrath claimed that his side would win the series 5-0. Jones believed this unnecessary comment only served to fire up the English lads. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was a foolhardy thing for him to say. He should not have said anything at all. They knew we were in good form. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Coming out with a comment like that was pretty reckless. Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a fantastic bowler, but there is no need to say something like that. In the end, it came back to bite him in the ass pretty hard.â&#x20AC;?

The next Ashes series will begin in the winter of 2006. England will travel down under in a bid to retain the Ashes for another three years. However, Australia has caused controversy by revealing plans to limit the number of tickets available for England supporters.

In January 2006, it was alleged that only 2000 tickets would be available for England supporters for each day of the upcoming Adelaide test match.

Jones believes the situation will be resolved quickly, as both sides are entitled to be given a fair allocation of tickets.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Australia were expecting us to roll over like a lot of other teams hadâ&#x20AC;?

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Some guy in the crowd called me a weak, pommie b*****dâ&#x20AC;?

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am sure the situation will correct itself. Some tickets will be available for England fans. If this does not happen, I think itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s out of order. There was no problem for travelling Australians last summer.â&#x20AC;?

Throughout the recent Ashes series, Jones was applauded for the effective use of reverse-swing. As no other English bowler had such a weapon in their armoury, Jones stood out as a key wickettaking bowler.

For those of you not familiar with reverse-swing, it is a unique art which was originally developed by Pakistani bowlers Waqar Younis and Wasim Akram.

Reverse-swing enables a bowler to move the ball in the opposite direction of conventional swing. The ball often curves later in flight, and gives batsmen little time to react.

Jones discovered how to bowl reverseswing in Australia four years ago, when he went on tour with the English academy. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I just picked up an old ball, started bowling with that, and found it went both ways. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got a good wrist position when I bowl and that was perfect for reverseswing.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;[It] has worked wonderfully for me and has given me an extra strength in my bowling. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s nothing worse than bowling with an old ball when nothing is happening. â&#x20AC;&#x153;When the ball gets soft, you can get panned [hit for runs] by batsmen if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not careful. So to get the ball to do something is much needed.â&#x20AC;?

Jones was encouraged to play cricket at an early age, because his father played the game at a high level. But, surprisingly, cricket was not his first love. â&#x20AC;&#x153;My first love was football. If I am honest, I wanted to play football. I had trials with Leeds United and a couple of other football clubs. I played for Wales when I was young, but I loved football more. â&#x20AC;&#x153;But cricket soon took over. I was tiny at the age of 14, and I ended up taking the cricket route. As I began to play cricket more heavily, I soon lost interest.â&#x20AC;?

Although Jones was instrumental last summer, the 2002-03 Ashes series in Australia proved to be disastrous. In his debut Ashes test at Brisbane, Jones ruptured the cruciate ligament in his right knee when fielding a ball. â&#x20AC;&#x153;At the time it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel that bad; it felt like a pinch. But when I was taken off my specialist told me there was a 99 per cent chance that I had damaged my cruciate. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s when it sank in: a lot of peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s careers in football finish because of this. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I concentrated on what I had to do. I let the swelling go down before flying straight home. Luckily, a specialist who has treated Premiership footballers did an awesome job and I was back playing within 18 months.â&#x20AC;?

Nevertheless, the crowd observed Jones punching the ground in frustration when lying injured on the outfield. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I was punching the floor because some guy in the crowd took it upon himself to call me a â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;weak, pommie bastardâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and throw a can of Coke at me. I was very frustrated at how somebody could be so stupid. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Coke can went past my head and I just looked at him. The fan was an idiot who was drunk. Perhaps he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t realise how serious the injury was, but he should have shown courtesy for the man who was in pain.â&#x20AC;?

Wales do not have a cricket team which is set apart from England. As a result, talented Welsh players such as Jones are selected to play for England. Although there has been much debate recently about creating a separate Welsh team, Jones believes this will never happen. â&#x20AC;&#x153;England and Wales have always been together. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think this will ever change. England are a stronger side, as we have more strength and depth. If this did happen I would love to play for Wales, but I canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see it myself.â&#x20AC;?

Welsh cricket is currently on the rise, as Cardiff stadium Sophia Gardens has recently been given the opportunity to stage an Ashes test in 2009. Jones spoke about his desire to feature in that particular test. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It will be a special, special feeling. To play a massive international like that in front of a capacity crowd is something I have never experienced in Cardiff before.

I think there will be some goose-pimples and shivers running down my back if I get to play.â&#x20AC;?

Unfortunately, a knee injury has prevented Jones from representing England in their recent test series against Sri Lanka. But despite his injury lay-off, Jones remains upbeat about his chances to play in the Winter Ashes tour and 2007 Cricket World Cup. â&#x20AC;&#x153;You have to believe that you are good enough to be selected. [Englandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s coach] Duncan Fletcher believes I can be selected; itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a great feeling. I will back myself all the way to get into both sides.â&#x20AC;?

Simon Jones is a determined, committed and confident man. He will stop at nothing to help England win two consecutive Ashes series. Despite being plagued with a number of serious injuries, Jones has the drive, attitude and skill to send English and Welsh cricket soaring beyond all belief.

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3EASON ROUNDUP

George Pawley looks on an eventful 2005-6 in Cardiff sport /CTOBER The year began with Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s rowers taking part in the first European University Championships hosted in Cardiff Bay. The event saw both crews finish well against impressive opposition.

The annual IMG rush saw teams queuing from 4am to register for the league.

Locomotive took full points in Octoberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fixtures, while the new BUSA season saw Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hockey fourths upset the thirds, and the Rugby team suffer defeat against local rivals Swansea. .OVEMBER The Netball firsts were overcome by a late resurgence to lose against reigning BUSA champions Bath, while the Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Football first XI hung on to beat Swansea and the Ladiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; seconds won an epic match against Gloucester.

This month also saw the Hockey Clubâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s whitewash in the latest round of BUSA seven out of seven ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bad.

A storm was raging in IMG as fixtures were continually postponed due to bad weather and, in the Netball, Cardiff A and B were dominating their groups.

Past and present Momed players gathered for a tribute match to honour former captain Matt Johnson, who tragically died in October, with the old boys winning against the 05/06 squad. $ECEMBER The Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rugby set the scene for Varsity, with a dominant defeat of Swansea, avenging their defeat earlier in the season.

The Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Football firsts stretched their lead in their BUSA group to six points, though Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hockey were unable to overcome BUSA leaders Bristol as the top of the table clash finished in a draw.

In better Hockey news, the Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s firsts retained top spot in BUSA Division 1 with a trouncing of Marjons.

By Christmas, FC Arseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Alona and Economics had already qualified for the IMG Football Premiership, and the IMG Netball Premiership saw wins for Socsi A, Cardiff A and Law B, as phase two began.

&EBRUARY The first edition of 2006 reported titles galore as the BUSA leagues finished, with successful campaigns in Golf, Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Football and Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hockey, who clinched the title on the last day of the season.

Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rugby took an outstanding win against Oxford which saw them continue their excellent form into 2006, while in IMG Rugby, Carbs 1sts were sitting pretty with five wins from five.

Cardiff stuffed Swansea in the 2006 Varsity to retain the Shield, with the Rugby boys capping a triumphant day with a win in Varsityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s showpiece event.

-ARCH After impressive league campaigns, and the highs of Varsity, the Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rugby, Hockey, Tennis and Badminton teams were slapped back into the real world with defeats in the BUSA Championship knockout stages, with Ladies Basketball receiving similar treatment in Chester.

There was progress seen in the water, with both Water Polo teams reaching the BUSA Championship finals, though both sides fell at the final hurdle. It was a similar story on Nottinghamâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s astroturf, as the Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hockey side were unlucky to lose a great final against Loughborough.

Champions were crowned in the Shropshire hills as Cardiff Mountain Biker, Phil Shucksmith, lead the way in

fending off the challenge from Manchester, and the Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Football battled their way into the BUSA Shield Final.

-AY The Rowers kicked off the final semester beating Swansea along the Taff in the first ever Welsh Boat Race. Mixed Lacrosse and Ice Hockey sides both picked up silverware, although the big sporting news came in the Welsh Cup, where Cardiff swept up in Swansea yet again.

The Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hockey firsts captured a unique treble with a win over Wrexham.

Other winners were the Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hockey side, who completed an impressive season, running out a win over Swansea in their Welsh Cup clash. The Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Rugby firsts XV also added the Welsh Cup to their trophy cabinet by beating Carmarthen.

May also saw the Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Football 1st XI claim a double in the BUSA and Welsh Cups in a season which saw them win 16 from 18 games. IMG Champions were crowned as FC Arseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Alona won the football Premiership, with Carbs A taking the Rugby top spot.

The cricket season was disrupted by the unpredictable weather as the decider in the last game of the season was washed out. A win would have seen the firsts into the playoffs. However, the seconds are through to the BUSA Plate Semi-Finals.

-OUNTAINBIKING BEAT -ANCHESTER

TOUR REVIEW

Sport look at Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s performace on tour in 2006, including Cricket in Sri Lanka and Rugby in Hong Kong "Y %D *ONES 3PORT %DITOR 4()3 %!34%2 SAW #ARDIFF #RICKET ENJOY A MIXED PRE SEASON TOUR OF 3RI ,ANKA 4HE MAN SQUAD PLAYED SIX FIXTURES ACROSS THE ISLAND RECORDING TWO VICTORIES AND FOUR DEFEATS The first game was played at Kurunegela with the pitch located at the base of the imposing Elephant Rock. Here the visitors experienced a rough introduction to Sri Lankan cricket.

Cardiff battled well in the heat and finished with 181. However, the Sri Lankan reply was emphatic, Kurunegala racing to their target in just 21 overs.

The party then moved on to Colombo for the first of two games in the capital city, against an invitation XI. The locals were dismissed for 126 and Cardiff's chase was led by John Allcoat who saw the tourists home with a solid 43.

"Y $AVID 3OUTHWOOD )NTERNATIONAL 2UGBY #ORRESPONDENT #!2$)&& 5.)6%23)49 2UGBY TEAM RETURNED TO (ONG +ONG THIS %ASTER TO TAKE PART IN THE '&) (ONG +ONG 4ENS 4OURNAMENT Possibly the premier tens competition for club sides in the world, the first day of the tournament is a round robin event with each of the teams in the pool playing the other three pool members.

Cardiff were in the same pool as Overseas Old Boys, home team Hong Kong Football Club and the pool top seeds HSBC New Zealand Legends.

Cardiff started the day with a resounding win against Overseas Old Boys with their first try being scored by Matt Hopper less than two minutes after kick off.

Determined and constant pressure saw

The good form continued into the third game where a wet pitch meant the match was reduced to 30 overs. Cardiff reached 185-6.

However, the bowling display was rather less disciplined and an aggressive approach saw the home side make the runs in 20 overs for the loss of only three wickets.

Cardiff then travelled to Galle for a fixture at the tsunami-ravaged test venue.

The journey along the coast took the tourists through some of the island's worst affected areas.

Against extremely strong opposition on a terrific surface, Cardiff struggled to limit the home side to a hefty 293 for six.

The Sri Lankans took early wickets before the ball softened and the pitch began to wear, as Cardiff crumbled to 138 all out.

Confidence was boosted however in the fifth fixture against Matara where Cardiff raced to 260 for 7 in 35 overs.

Matara made 170 for seven in their 35 over reply.

Returning to Colombo, Cardiff's final game coincided with Sri Lanka's New Year's Day. The chaos surrounding the national celebrations was responsible for a last minute change of venue.

Cardiff were invited to play on a potato sack mat ground next door to the capital's test venue. The visitors struggled heavily to cope with the staggering turn and bounce afforded to the bowlers by the alien facilitates.

The tourists were dismissed for only 97, and although Ben Orr bowled well, the home side reached their target with the loss of only two wickets.

Club Captain James Woodroof commented: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Winning two games in Sri Lanka is no mean feat. They live for cricket out there and the sides we were up against had a few internationals of the future.â&#x20AC;?

Cardiff winning the game 22-0.

In their second game Cardiff were even more dominant, running in eight tries, the first try being scored within 20 seconds of kick-off. The Hong Kong Football Club had no answer to the skill displayed by Cardiff and the team were well worth their impressive victory.

The final game of the day was the top pool seeds, HSBC New Zealand Legends.

This was a team of semi-professionals who caught out Cardiff with an early try.

Cardiff then upped their game and in the seventh minute became the first team to score any points against the Legends with an unconverted try.

Despite their valiant performance, the fitness and professionalism of the Legends saw them run out 24-5 victors.

In the first game on day two Cardiff faced Hong Kong Barbarians, a much-fancied local team of expatriates.

Despite putting up a strong performance Cardiff went down 21-0 receiving strong support from the crowd who objected to some of the Barbariansâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; tactics.

As a result of losing this game Cardiff entered the semi-finals of the Plate competition where they met Tamariva who were beaten 24-5 in a game which demonstrated Cardiff University's ability.

Cardiff entered the Plate final in a confident mood having played good rugby over the two days. In the final they met International Panthers comprising a number of Australian professionals. However, upsetting the form book, Cardiff took the game to the Australians with two minutes left.

Nonetheless, the experience of the Panthers ultimately proved too much and Panthers managed to score two tries in the final two minutes to win 21:12.

30/24 "53! RANKINGS Cardiff Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cricket Seconds lead overall team BUSA rankings for 2006 season #!2$)&& "53!

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&INAL COUNTDOWN

Cardiff Menâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cricket seconds smash local rivals to earn spot in BUSA plate final 0HOTO !DAM 'ASSON

"Y %D *ONES 3PORT %DITOR #!2$)&& 3 3%#/.$ ELEVEN PRO GRESSED THROUGH TO THE FINAL OF THE "53! 0LATE WITH A THUMPING VICTORY OVER LOCAL RIVALS 57)# A 130-run victory was nothing less than the home side deserved after a spellbinding performance at Llanrumney.

Cardiff had much to be thankful for when they won an important toss; forcing UWIC to field in scorching conditions.

The Cardiff batsmen made the visitors suffer even more.

At first, UWIC had plenty to be encouraged by. Opening bowlers Richard Crick and Dan Fraser conceded few runs and removed two of the top order in the opening overs. With the score at 13 for 2, Chris Allen joined Dean Cox at the crease to mark the beginning of a massive partnership.

Allen produced a stunning straight drive to the boundary to kick-start his innings, while Cox drove powerfully through the covers from the off. During the next twenty overs the pair added 115 runs.

Delightful stroke-play was coupled with aggressive running. The partnership was only broken when a mix-up between the wickets saw Cox run out for 49. The left-hander has already made a 101 and a 92 not out for the seconds this season and produced another crucially important innings here.

Allen continued to impress, dominating the UWIC seamers and spinners alike.

When eventually caught out on 67, Allen had laid the foundations for a terrific Cardiff total.

It was then the turn of Andy Cornick to marshal the Cardiff innings and maintain the momentum. The right-hander added 50 in the middle-order, combining intelligence and temperament with some strong hitting.

The most brutal strokeplay came from Cardiff all-rounder Ali Price. His cameo innings practically put the game beyond the reach of the visitors and did much to dampen their spirits. Price smashed a crunching 34 including four straight sixes.

Cardiff finished with an impressive 268 for 7 from their fifty overs.

Although the pitch was slow, conditions were good for batting with hot sun and a

#!2$)&& 4HROUGH TO THE FINAL

fast outfield. UWIC required more than five an over from the start but have amassed some colossal totals in their previous games.

However, they suffered immediate setbacks as the Cardiff bowlers tore into the UWIC top-order. Price (2 for 25) dismissed numbers one and three in quick succession to leave the visitors in disarray at 0 for 2.

Left-armer Ben Walker then snatched

QUICK35$/+5

the third wicket. The visitors then rallied somewhat and forged a threatening partnership as the two teams approached the drinks interval.

However, Cardiff have repeatedly produced a killer blow this season whenever sides have threatened to come back into the game. With the first delivery after the drinks break, Walleed clean-bowled UWICâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Henry Diamond (36) as he was beginning to show some form. Now four

wickets down, UWIC hinted at a comeback with another partnership. Once again, Cardiff produced the goods to deny the visitors.

Left-arm spinner Pete Church, who bowled tremendously for his 3 for 36, grabbed the wicket of Steve Hayes (21) with the help of a fine stumping from Cox. From here Cardiff dominated proceedings to an even greater extent. UWIC were rattled out for a paltry 139. Player of the

season, Jimmy Davis, chipped in with 223 as Cardiff mopped up the lower order.

Following a team performance in which Cardiff excelled in every discipline, skipper Jones commented: â&#x20AC;&#x153;We heavily beat a team that has enjoyed a very successful season and really fancied their chances. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Nobody has come close to us yet this season. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so proud of the spirit we show in everything we do and cannot wait for Mondayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s final.â&#x20AC;?

â&#x20AC;&#x153;The score did not reflect the closeness of the game nor the effort put in by the Cardiff studentsâ&#x20AC;?

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4HE 3NOW REPORT gair rhydd met *ON 3NOW at the Guardian Hay Festival to discuss his work, the media, his influences and how his success is down to â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;limited intellectâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

7

E ARE APPROXIMATELY TWENTY TWO MILES FROM (EREFORD ON THE 7ALES %NGLAND BORDER IN (AY ON 7YE &AMOUS FOR ITS ASSOCIA TION WITH BOOKS THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN THE TOWN IS MOST VIBRANT !

DIVERSE RANGE OF PEOPLE ATTEND THE 'UARDIAN (AY &ESTIVAL AN EVENT LABELLED BY "ILL #LINTON AS @THE 7OODSTOCK OF THE -IND What is most unusual about this festival is the variety of its performances. In one day we have attended a film screening with Richard E Grant, talks with Jeanette Winterson and Will Self and poetry readings with Seamus Heaney and Margaret Atwood. Writers, musicians, filmmakers, journalists and comedians entertain the festival-goers for its 11-day duration.

At 11.30am on Sunday May 28 a mass of satisfied listeners emerge from The Eos Marquee. The main topic of conversation is the impressiveness of Astronomer Royal Martin Reesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s talk. Amongst those praising the event is its host, Jon Snow. In his relaxed and confident manner, Snow introduces us to Rees before thanking him again for the discussion.

Snow is just as animated about the festival as we are. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fantastic isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it?â&#x20AC;? he enthuses. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It just gets better every year.

You meet such an eclectic group of people. On one hand you have got the Astronomer Royal. The next minute Joanna Trollope is having breakfast with you. You keep running into more people and they are all so accessible. It is a very levelling experience. We are all swimming through the same mud - literally,â&#x20AC;? he laughs. In its countryside setting the festival is prone to the side-effects of British weather. Nevertheless, Snowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mood is not dampened. He even wears practical shoes for the occasion.

The Channel 4 anchorman is too excited about meeting so many new people to be deterred by the rain. Indeed, he believes the best aspect of his job is â&#x20AC;&#x153;speaking to people. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a free ride. You are allowed to talk to anyone you like,â&#x20AC;? he says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I sometimes have to pinch myself when I think somebody is paying me to do this. I go to interesting places, meet interesting people and donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to kill them.â&#x20AC;?

Jon Snow has been the face of Channel 4 News since 1989 when he became its main presenter. He has anchored the programme from wherever major world events occur: from Hong Kong at the time of the handover to China; Washington during the Clinton impeachment hearings; and, more recently, the West Bank, New Delhi and Baghdad. He is one of the countryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most successful journalists with awards including two Royal Television Society Awards for reports from El Salvador, one for his reporting of the Kegworth air disaster, and two as Presenter of the Year.

He believes he owes his success to his â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;limited intellectâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think my limited intellect is absolutely perfect for a career in journalism because you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t try and answer questions that are too complicated to answer and yet you find yourself asking questions that most people want to know the answer to. I think there are people that are too bright in television. They ask very complicated questions which the medium is quite incapable of answering. It is not as accessible then to everyone.â&#x20AC;?

According to Snow the most successful journalists are those who exceed the boundaries. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think an enormous amount is about how far you are prepared to push it. If you are happy to take the first answer you get then Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not sure it takes us very far. You have to keep digging.â&#x20AC;?

For those hoping to pursue a career in the industry, he has some advice: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Be incredibly inquisitive for a start. Really want to know some answers. It is all very well saying â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I want to be a journalistâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; but not being very hungry to know anything

*/. 3./7 4HE FACE OF #HANNEL NEWS

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I have to pinch myself when I think someone is paying me to do thisâ&#x20AC;?

about it. I wake up in the morning, turn on the news and I think, after maybe two or three items, I would like to hear more. Is he telling the truth? Be hungry for information, have fantastic determination, be prepared to be a pauper for the first five years but just hope one day you make a lot of money to make up for it.â&#x20AC;?

Snow considered becoming a journalist after spending a year teaching in Uganda with VSO at the age of 18. â&#x20AC;&#x153;After leaving Uganda I wanted to find any which way to return,â&#x20AC;? he explains. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I suddenly thought journalism was a clever way to get back and indeed I did get back. The reporter refers to his VSO experience as â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;lifechangingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and would encourage students to follow in his footsteps. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s definitely a worthwhile experience. You introduce something into your life which gives you a completely new dimension. I think, for example, when you live in the south of the world for perhaps only six months, you look back and you see the world in a completely different way. You see connections and obligations. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a new perspective.â&#x20AC;?

Snow has seen great change in the industry over the years. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It has changed hugely for the better,â&#x20AC;? in his opinion. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Journalists used to have time to get drunk. Now they have to do much more.

The Internet has absolutely transformed the media. We are in the midst of an extraordinary democratising period where even if politics is in a bad way, information is in a wonderful way. It is harder and harder for corporations like McDonaldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s or governments like New Labour to tell us things which arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t quite true. The indus-

try is so multi-faceted now. You are no longer simply doing television. You are podcasting, blogging, e-mailing, standing on your head, etc.â&#x20AC;?

The famously opinionated journalist is frank about his view of the mediaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s current position. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think the broadsheet press is reasonably healthy. But the tabloid press is fantastically obsessed with hatred. Most of us are obsessed with love. We are either looking for it or having it. It seems so terribly sad that this incredibly influential media is about hate when everybody really wants it to be about love. I think it has a very souring effect on our society.â&#x20AC;? He appreciates that the industry differs from culture to culture. â&#x20AC;&#x153;You feel that the French do more about love than they do about hate. It seems that there is a lot of hate with people in ethnic minorities there whereas we love our ethnic minorities in a more holistic way. On the other hand they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go for peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s love lives. I think thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a waste of time.â&#x20AC;?

Snow is familiar with journalism across the pond. His role as ITNâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Diplomatic Editor and Washington correspondent taught him a great deal. â&#x20AC;&#x153;At the time working in America was very exciting because of access and freedom of information but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d say in many ways we have pulled ourselves up. We have much better access than we used to have. I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t say the average standard of the US press was much better than ours but they have a couple of broadsheets which are very good. I think the New York Times is probably the best newspaper in the world.â&#x20AC;?

His job has seen him explore many

countries but he is particularly passionate about Iran. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It is an extraordinarily alive, very well educated, very bright and accessible community,â&#x20AC;? explains Snow. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It is also culturally very rich - very Persian.â&#x20AC;?

Snow has spent time in several Middle Eastern countries including Iraq. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I was there about three weeks ago actually,â&#x20AC;? he says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Before the war we were treated very well. Now you just feel too frightened to go out of the Green Zone.â&#x20AC;?

Snowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s range of international interviewees extends from Nelson Mandela to Tony Blair. His interview with Iraqâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s former Foreign Minister and Deputy Prime Minister was a surreal experience. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a charming old man you know. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like meeting an old public school master. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s absolutely extraordinary. You couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t imagine he had ever hurt a fly but presumably he knows about all sorts of filthy blood-letting.â&#x20AC;?

His career has allowed him to witness several historical moments but his most memorable reporting experience was watching the release of Nelson Mandela. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was amazing. It was utterly overwhelming. There were tears streaming down your face,â&#x20AC;? he recounts.

It is evident by his constant enthusiasm that Snow genuinely adores his job. In ten years he hopes to still be in the same position. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hopefully I can keep doing this job for as long as possible,â&#x20AC;? he says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I have just got a five year contract so I can keep going. Just keep riding the bicycle, I say.â&#x20AC;?

It is this keen attitude that has enabled him to achieve such an impressive status in his profession.