gair rhydd - Issue 762

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gair rhydd

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 762. MAY 10 2004

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TV welcome an exclusive interview with boobtastic mega-celeb Jordan, As Media look at the Cardiff Student Unsure when Lashtastic is closed during exams? See Media Awards 2004 our fortnightly listings guide

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CREATIVE CHAOS ENCAP course suspended for next academic year

ANOTHER CHAPTER has been added to the Creative Writing department’s ill-fated history with the departure of its controversial course convenor, Dr Lauri Ramey.

According to the official line, the lecturer branded by students "a major problem" and "a mistake" has left "to pursue career opportunities that will take her away from Cardiff", but her departure has led to the suspension of the Creative Writing MA and PhD programmes for next year.

A rash of complaints from Cardiff students about poor PhD supervision have called into question the value of the programme. This led to one student, Kate North, taking legal action after refusing a refund of year’s legal fees. Cardiff’s Vice-Chancellor David Grant has recently set up a review to examine the discipline within the course, and many suspect that Dr Ramey’s departure is as a direct result of this.

Leah Nemeth, a current PhD student, believes that with the Dr Ramey’s departure the problems should be over: "She used to turn questions around so that if you had a problem she said it was your fault". The US student, who is paying £8,000 in tuition fees alone, said: "I definitely don’t think I’ve got value for money.”

But with Dr Ramey gone Leah said that Creative Writing at Cardiff can move on, "Professors were intimating

PHOTO: Gemma Griffiths

By Dave Doyle News Reporter

ENCAP’S CREATIVE WRITING: a hotbed of controversy that her job was on the line and that the review was more about her than the department.” Leah also added that other members the Creative Writing faculty were "really great".

Dr Colin Evans, a high-profile fatality of Ramey’s reign, believes that the Vice-Chancellor has resolved the issue. "The problem is that it has taken two and a half years to deal with despite myself and my colleagues sending a number of letters to the

Vice-Chancellor expressing that we felt there was something wrong here."

The problems for Creative Writing began with Dr Evans’ dismissal in December 2001 despite an illustrious 40-year career with the university.

Then in May 2002 gair rhydd covered further turmoil for the department – all centred around the conduct of Dr Ramey. At the time it was alleged that Dr Ramey threatened students with poor grades to prevent them from

attending staff-student panel meetings. Eight further members of staff had been told by Ramey that their employment contracts would not be renewed. February 2003 saw more problems as the course was slated for "piling students high and selling them short".

The University has been reluctant to apologise to staff and students alike and asserts that there is no truth in the stories of indecent behaviour

and personality clashes within the department.

And it seems Dr Ramey’s departure will not be the end of the troubles. The suspension of the MA and PhD can only damage the credibility of Creative Writing at Cardiff. However, the University is refusing to give the scandal credibility. The University spokesman told gair rhydd that they have "confidence in the arrangements that have been put in place."

News

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May 10 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Investigations Editorial Politics Letters Media Five Minute Fun Listings TV Listings Sport

TESTER KITS FOR DATE RAPE

1 4 6 9 10 12 14 18 21 30

EDITOR !"#$%&'(!)*+&$ DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Alys Southwood EDITORIAL AND OPINION AJ Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony MEDIA Gary Andrews FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS Dave Doyle, Anne-Michelle Wright, Matt Wilkin, Jonathan Astle, Alison White, Sarah Rennie, Will Talmage, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Rachel Howells’s, James Emtage, Gina James, Rob Sharples, Jen Crew, Bec Storey, Thom Airs, John Stanton, Rhian Chapman, Martyn Cooper, Katrina James, Mark Dunn

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

PIPETTE: Part of the new drug-testing kit

By Anne-Michelle Wright Reporter THE UNION is considering stocking a new drug that will allow people to test their own drinks for traces of date-rape drugs.

The product, being launched this month will allow drinkers to test for the drugs Rohypnol, GHB, and ketamine.

After the News of the World announced one in six drinks tested in nightclubs contained traces of these drugs, demand for more protection from the dangerous drugs rocketed.

Tetra Scene of Crime in Billericay created a test in 2003, which was available at £6.50 and not 100% accurate.

Even with this measure, the Roofie foundation reported that over the same year they helped over 1,000 cases.

The figures show date-rape is not only a threat to women, as 15% of the above cases affected male victims.

Drink Detective have seized the chance for a new cheaper method and have produced a more accurate kit which contains three test pads with a pipette which people can use to take a sample from their drink. The drug is available in shops and vending machines at £3.95.

Staffordshire police claim they will distribute within the university to ensure students’ safety.

After speaking to Cardiff Police, it seems we may be able to expect similar treatment. PC Richard Bristow said, "It’s in our interests and everyone else’s to take a close look at this new product to assist in our detecting work in these cases."

Product may be introduced to union

Student councillors enter the fray

By Anna Hodgekiss News Writer of the Year TWO CARDIFF University students are gearing up for a month of intense campaigning as they prepare to run in next month’s local council elections.

Joe Carter and Ed Bridges (pictured) will run as Liberal Democrat candidates for the Cathays and Gabalfa wards respectively on June 10.

Joe, 21, a History and Politics student, told gair rhydd, "I’m hoping to be the youngest councillor in Wales."

The pair are planning to spend the next month canvassing their wards alongside trying to cram in revision.

And with their finals immediately before the election, the next month is set to be extremely hectic for Joe and Ed. But in the age of voter apathy, the pair are extremely concerned that turnout for the election – scheduled at

CAMPAIGNING FOR YOUR VOTE: Joe Carter and Ed Bridges

LOCALFOCUS

Do you get many students?

To be honest, students don’t have an excess of spare cash to spend on things like this. They go for small ornaments for each other, some of the novelty things outside or if they want something for mum or dad for Christmas. We’ve got a special offer on at the moment for students, though, if they want to buy graduation presents.

What do you make of Cardiff students?

The older residents moan about the rubbish on the streets and the noise but that’s because they’ve lived here since before there were loads of students. They don’t like to see the community diminish but I don’t think like that. I’ve got two student houses in Roath and I’ve never had any problems.

Are you originally from Cardiff?

No, my wife and I moved here from the Midlands, but my daughter was educated here. We opened the shop two years ago.

the very end of the semester – will be poor.

They are urging students who will not be in Cardiff on election day to register postal votes to ensure they receive the best political representation possible over the next four years.

The student vote is a crucial element in such elections, with Talybont comprising half of the Gabalfa ward single-handedly.

And what separates these Cardiff University students from other candidates? Mr Carter said, “We want to make Cathays a nicer place to live in.

At the moment it gets trashed and we want to put a stop to that.”

He acknowledged that litter was a huge problem for the area and vowed to promote free recycling for the whole of Cathays.

He added, " These areas would benefit from having young councillors, who have first hand experience of both sides – student life and local government.”

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

What are your cheapest and most expensive items?

The small animals outside are £1.50 each. The Indonesian granite sculptures are made by hand and the biggest is £300. It’s sold but the lady’s still paying it off!

How do you normally publicise the shop We’ve put adverts in the Echo and one of the local community magazines but at £300 a time, it’s far too much to keep doing it. We have tried, but we found that advertising was a waste of money.

Do you have much stolen from the shop?

One or two bits around the back, I think but generally, no. My answer is, if anyone’s stupid enough to climb over the gate covered in barbed wire and lift a big lump of concrete out again, it’s a prize for doing it!

NAME

Interview by Matt Wilkin

AGE LOCATION

Mike Costello 55 The Statue Studio

News

May 10 2004

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grnews@cf.ac.uk

GOING IT ALONE Merged Cardiff and UWCM to leave Uni of Wales in July

By Jonathan Astle and Alison White Reporters CARDIFF IS set to leave the University of Wales this summer after it merges with the University of Wales College of Medicine.

The Pro-Chancellor of the University of Wales, the Rt Hon Dafydd Wigley, is now questioning his institution’s very existence.

In an interview in Tuesday’s Western Mail, the former Plaid Cymru leader and MP said, "The departure of Cardiff and the College of Medicine certainly raises concerns about the fate of the University of Wales. With two of the eight constituent bodies leaving, it’s possible to envisage a scenario where more might want to follow.”

The merger of the two most prestigious members of the University of Wales is clearly a blow to the other Welsh university colleges.

Aberystwyth, Bangor, Lampeter, Newport and Swansea would inevitably suffer from the loss of their association with Cardiff. Despite the obvious challenge to their reputation,

many of the smaller institutions remained tight-lipped in response to Mr Wigley’s outspoken comments.

The Vice-Chancellor of Swansea University, Professor Richard B Davies, said: "We are disappointed that Cardiff is leaving the University of Wales family, but are delighted that its medical degrees will continue to be University of Wales degrees.

"I have mixed personal feelings about Cardiff's decision. Three generations of my family have been awarded University of Wales' degrees, all of which studied at Cardiff. I myself lectured at Cardiff for some years.

"A committee, chaired by ProChancellor Dafydd Wigley, is looking at the future of the University of Wales and at ways in which the university operates. This may allow other universities to be incorporated and perhaps Cardiff University to return to the fold."

A spokesman for Glamorgan University said: "We take note of the current debate and wait to see the results of the review that is under way.

We are happy with the status quo and are in the process of working on our

own plans for the future."

A spokesperson for the University of Wales made a combative response to the Western Mail’s article: "The headline of a recent article in the Western Mail suggested that the breakup of the University of Wales is imminent.

“The headline bore little relation to the text of the article and certainly does not reflect the reality of the current position. Far from considering itself to be on the way out, the University of Wales is responding positively and decisively to the enormous challenges facing the higher education sector."

Mr Wigley told gair rhydd, "What we want to do is come up with some radical thinking that enables higher education in Wales to prosper."

The UW spokesperson added, "Four new institutions, Swansea Institute, NE Wales Institute of HE, Trinity College, Carmarthen and the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama, are set to join UW in the Autumn term.

“At the same time Cardiff University will adopt a different working relationship with the

University of Wales. This will allow some students to study for a Cardiff University degree, whilst others – notably in medicine and dentistry – will continue to work towards a UW degree."

In a marked contrast to his remarks made in the Welsh national, Mr Wigley was bullish about UW’s future: "The fact that medical students will continue to work towards a UW degree illustrates the high standing of the institution. The UW degree is recognised throughout the world as a guarantee that the holder has attained the very highest international standards in learning and capability.”

For Cardiff and UWCM, the loss of the umbrella of the University of Wales could be seen as a liberation. It will enable the new merged institution to clearly market itself as Cardiff University.

A representative of UWCM said: "Merger is the most reasonable way for CU and UWCM to move forward. The merged institution will ensure that the ‘new’ Cardiff University will have a greater critical mass enabling it to compete more effectively on an international stage."

Cardiff student media organisation celebrate the year with an award ceremony in the Hilton. See Media p12

Investigations

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May 10 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Disabilty access investigated Three able-bodied freshers take to wheelchairs for a night out to investigate disability provision NEW LEGISLATION governing the provision of access for people with disabilities will come into effect this October. Structural changes may be made if services are difficult for disabled peoples’ use.

Disabled people often are frustrated when access is restricted to corner shops, libraries, museums and other public spaces. Pubs and clubs rarely have any provisions, which are very important for university social life, restricting some students with disabilities.

We asked Sarah Rennie to examine disabled access within Cardiff for gair rhydd.

“I joined university this year and like everyone else I wanted to check out what Cardiff had to offer. However, to arrive at a club and find that I can’t get in is an unpleasant experience for me, my new friends and the staff who have to break the news. I decided to conduct an experiment: I’ll ask three freshers to go clubbing in wheelchairs with their mates on a Saturday night and report back to me on their experience.

“

Planning ahead, we rang Capital to book an adapted taxi for later in the evening but were told there would be none available in the city all night. After a short time in the wheelchair, I noticed how awful the pavements are around here! We all get our shoes caught in the cracks in the pavement from time to time, but sitting down, it’s a very uncomfortable and bumpy ride.

We started out at Gassy Jacks which was great except getting wedged in the cramped disabled toilet and needing to be rescued by a very helpful (and sexy) bouncer! The Social wasn’t so good. Strangely the

After the experiment, all participants agreed that even with electronic wheelchairs, no amount of friendliness on a bouncer’s side can get you up stairs.

We contacted bars and informed them of general findings that unlocked disabled toilets were unkempt and that those locked were rather neglected, potentially damaging to people’s health.

Many bars and clubs, frustrated at having to foot the bill themselves making ‘reasonable adjustments’ by October 1 2004, should be comforted by disabled people’s annual spending power of £50 billion.

While disability rights groups are looking forward to October, many wheelchair users doubt they’ll see much change, particularly when you consider the preservation of listed buildings. Nevertheless, if this night were to be repeated in 12 months, let’s hope the sceptics will be proved wrong.”

Many thanks to the Red Cross - and most of all to Amy, Ruth and Seth for their invaluable feedback. bar-staff assumed my friends would be ordering the drinks and were desperately avoiding eye contact with me.

The bouncers were, again, very helpful and offered to lift me up the step into the disabled toilet! Creation was well-equipped for wheelchair users – except the club area has a step; obviously Mr Creation believes people in wheelchairs want to sit in the corner all evening.

Both the Toucan and Reflex had stairs to the club, and only the latter had an accessible toilet. Edward’s was totally inaccessible. I found the staff in the Prince of Wales very patronising and unaccommodating. Although

“Let’s hope in 12 months the sceptics will be proven wrong”

Sarah Rennie

Disabled guinea pigs: Ruth, Amy and Seth bouncers at the Philly carried me up the stairs, the disabled toilet was neglected, and the general layout of the place (plus how crowded it often gets) would sadly lead me to say that it is a no-go area for wheelchair users. All in all, I did enjoy the experience, and while it was often a struggle, the helpfulness of bouncers reaffirmed my faith in human nature.

”

Amy Gibbs (first year, Law)

“

Went down to Senghennydd Court first to meet some friends. However, there being no lift I had to cheat, ditch the wheelchair and leg it up the stairs! I can see how it must be hard to visit friends on campus, as no halls of residence have lifts.

I too went to the Social but found it really difficult to manoeuvre myself up the step to the toilet. I didn’t get the help of the bouncers that Amy had! It was impossible to get a table at the Union, but this is something Amy and

“

My friends and I decided to go the Taf first, which was very good, with a locked clean toilet and helpful doorstaff.

Sarah said to go where we usually go, so off we went to Inncognito but unfortunately it was a disappointing experience. My friends carried me down the stairs (the staff here, unlike other places, were well aware of health and safety regulations and didn’t offer to help carry me!). The disabled toilet was being used as a store room following a function but appar-

ently it was a "one-off". When asked why they haven’t installed a lift up the stairs to the bar they relied on a narrow and debatable interpretation of the forthcoming legislation. The Continental was totally inaccessible, but they assured Sarah that a design team was working on adaptations to make them compatible with the October 2004 legislation (to make "reasonable adjustments"). Outside Moloko, the poor doorman took the brunt of my rant at their lack of a lift or disabled toilet [I know, I love this place, but the more I drink the tighter I have to cross my legs! – Sarah] and so he kindly let us in for free [What?!

I must remember that one... - Sarah].

One thing I did find everywhere was the high level of the bars made it really difficult to get served and reach the drinks. Sadly many customers were less than eager to move and let me pass, but I must say that bouncers were really kind and ready to help.

However, in general I have to say that access is pretty poor.

”

Ruth Hounsome (first year, English Language)

Ruth found in all the busy places. The following day we talked about having signs on tables requesting customers to give priority to wheelchair users – it wouldn’t have occurred to me before, but it’s so much more difficult to talk to friends in a noisy place when they’re all stood around you. Like the others, I couldn’t get an accessible taxi all night either. I must admit I found the evening more difficult than the others, but the fact that the wheelchair was way too small probably didn’t

help!"

The suggestion about signs on tables reading "priority seating for people with mobility difficulties" is something many bars have promised me they’ll look into. Only our union immediately agreed and has got the ball rolling for this in Solus and the Taf. I’m really pleased with this, at least it’s a step in the right direction.

A total of 74 per cent of students on medicine and dentistry courses have parents in professional or managerial jobs, compared with just 46 per cent on mathematical and computer science courses.

Schwartz attributed the divide to wealthier students having access to facilities that could impress the admissions tutors. For example, relevant work experience could be found through family connections, such as a

parent who was a doctor.

The findings of the report increase pressure on university admissions tutors to ensure that their intake is fair. Schwartz backed admissions tutors who attempt to correct this class-imbalance by accepting lower A-level grades from state school pupils. The report went on to suggest American-style aptitude tests to determine raw ability from “social conditioning”.

” Class divide controversy

By Will Talmage Reporter

A RECENT study has revealed a striking class divide in higher education.

Medical schools draw three-quarters of their students from the top three social groups, according to a study by Steven Schwartz, the chairman of a government review of university admissions.

Amy finds all well in a disabled toilet

Seth Barlow (first year, Marine Geography)

!"#$ %&'($) #*+,-

Opinion & Editorial

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May 10 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

O

ur front-page story this week may only highlight a specific case of mismanagement, but it touches on an unsavoury culture in the university. To say clumsy heavyhanded organization is common at Cardiff is utter nonsense. The more pressing concern is whether the university is listening to its students, and in the long-term this could be just as damaging.

As our reporters dredged through the Creative Writing department after Dr Lauri Ramey’s departure, one aspect stuck out. Despite student unrest for a long period of time, the university had been slow to act in a constructive manner.

Beneath the flimsy façades of staff student panels and complaint procedures, does anyone really believe that the university looks beyond the balance sheet and at what we really want? Are we anything more than walking pound signs? So long as we turn up and pay our tuition fees the university will only alter superficial aspects of our experience, when it is often drastic changes that are demanded.

The merger is a case in point.

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

Its efforts to inform us about Cardiff’s merger with the medical college were lazy - through negligence at best. The more cynical student may suggest that the university conveniently managed to avoid a thorough interrogation of its plans. Furthermore, even if students had protested en masse there was no formal procedure to prevent it from happening.

Why doesn’t the university’s market research extend beyond tick sheets appraising lessons and lecturers? This week we all received an email from Residences and Catering asking about what we thought of their service. This is of course admirable, but it did highlight how little else we are offered about more pressing issues. When were you last asked if a an increase in lecture hours would aid your learning, or if resource centres have enough books?

The success of Cardiff University is clearly on an upward curve and perhaps this has led to complacency. It must make more of an effort to engage with its students, especially at a time when its successes in the research sector are receiving more and more focus and investment.

Load of balls

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle

W

ith the end of term hurtling towards us, the prospect of end of year balls poses many dilemmas. Firstly there’s the cash flow situation, or rather, lack of it.

Then there’s the decision on what to wear. If you’re a girl there’s an endless range of eveningwear to choose from - ball gowns, cocktail dresses, even trouser suits. Then there’s the matter of colours, fabrics and beading which makes picking the perfect evening ensemble all the more confusing.

“10 glasses of free plonk and dancing to the Macarena”

For guys the choice can be broken down to tuxedo or suit, but I’m sure that this is just as daunting as donning a ball gown and stole. Yet the thing that worries me most about evening wear is its effects on me and my ability to make sensible fashion decisions.

You see I’m not really a girlie girl when it comes to fashion. I’m always slouching around in jeans and trainers and have never dared to read Vogue. But when I find myself preparing to go to a ball, I’m transformed into a different woman. I find myself panicking about accessories and paying extortionate

prices for pretty little feminine things. I co-ordinate my jewellery, shoes and nail varnish and put in a distinctly more concerted effort with my hair and make up. Basically I undergo a metamorphosis from shabby chic to fashion conscious.

“appropriate underwear” Then when it gets to the big night I find that the evening wear and accessories I have so carefully coordinated are flawed. Fitting anything into my pretty little handbag (that matches my pretty embroidered wrap) is impossible; I can just about squeeze in money, a lipstick and eyeliner. For me this is highly impractical and very annoying as I’d spent the best part of 30 quid on this tiny patch of material.

Then I discover that my dress is made of clingy material that is partially see-through (I had been cruelly deceived by dressing room lighting) and have to find appropriate underwear. The horrors just don’t seem to end. So if you’re going to a ball this summer just remember to keep cool and be well prepared.

Choose an outfit that you feel comfortable in and is practical enough to stay intact after the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol.

Don’t, like me, spend irrational amounts of money on useless accessories and get swept up in the pressure of getting the perfect outfit.

Because, at the end of the day, who will remember what anyone is wearing after 10 glasses of free plonk and dancing to the Macerena?

In the frame?

By Gary Andrews

W

hen the pictures of Iraqis being tortured

by American soldiers were printed on the front page of national newspapers last week the British public was justifiably shocked.

Yet one of the most shocking aspects of the sickening pictures was exactly how long they had taken to enter the mainstream media.

As long ago as July last year Amnesty International published a report detailing their concerns over what they believed to be widespread torture of Iraqi prisoners.

Amnesty’s report was more or less confirmed by the US military themselves in February this year.

A 53-page internal report detailed widespread abuse at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison by American soldiers, which was described as "sadistic, blatant and wanton criminal abuse of Iraqis."

The document then goes onto list the abuses, which included pouring phosphorus liquid on detainees, threatening male prisoners with rape

and sodomising detainees with a chemical light.

This report was never meant to be released to the public, although Bush, Rumsfeld and senior staff at the Pentagon were all given copies.

But a month later the New Yorker magazine managed to obtain a copy of the file, along with the now famous pictures of the hooded prisoner on a box wired up to electrodes. For six weeks the report and the pictures have been in the public domain, yet the mainstream media seems to have been content to ignore this.

The pro-war papers in Britain, such as the Sun, the Times, the Express and the Daily Telegraph, still seem reasonably happy to continue ignoring this abuse. While the Mail and the Guardian carried the picture on the front page, many of the other papers deemed the story only important enough to warrant a small paragraph or a space in the world news section on page 18.

Worryingly the Abu Ghraib photos seem to be only the tip of the iceberg.

A quick scan of international news organisations on the web reveals many testimonies from ordinary Iraqis of torture and beatings after

they were detained by the US military.

Far from being an isolated incident, torture and violence seems to be standard practice for American forces across Iraq with both George Bush and Tony Blair prepared to turn a blind eye until they are forced into the pseudo-pious indignation that they are currently adopting.The soldiers involved claim not to have read the Geneva Convention, unlike Bush who is wilfully flouting it at every given opportunity.

The only positive thing to come out of the eventual publication of these shocking revelations is that the media are unlikely to let the story drop for a while.

However, they cannot just accept at face value the explanations offered by Bush and Blair. Now is the time to start piling the pressure on the two leaders and reveal the extent of the abuse of civilians across Iraq.

These human rights abuses cannot go unpunished, although it would be wrong just to make a scapegoat out of the few soldiers involved. If there is any justice in this world both Blair and Bush should be put on trial for war crimes, but realistically this is never going to happen.

James Emtage’s student stereotypes: coffee ladies

P

at has worked in the Bioscience Café for 39 years. Pam’s worked there for 31, and Penny for 28. “Like three peas in a pod, we are,” they joke on an almost daily basis. They fondly remember the days when the cafés weren’t run as a chain, and used to sell homemade scones and jam. "Not like now, hey Pam, what with all these meal deals and what not,” mumbles Penny.

They struggled with the shift to using electronic tills and are just

Rachel Howells’s

M

any of you will be booking cheap late deals abroad to relax after the stress of exams and essay deadlines. But before you do, I wanted to put package holidays into Room 101 so that you can't!

You'll understand why when I tell you about the company that I went with, who shall remain anonymous.

Let's just say that they cater for those between the ages of 18 and 30…

Last summer I went to Kavos with two of my best friends. We were out for a good time and although we expected the odd sexual reference, or even a bit of nudity, frankly nothing could have prepared us for the reality.

On our first day we got a taster of what the week would be like. We met our

about getting used to the bar-coded items, but they do like to reminisce on times when you could get a Cornish pasty and a cup of tea for tuppence.

It’s always been the three of them, in their little café, but others have been and gone. "Remember that Wendy girl?" Pat says with a telling smile.

"Couldn’t work the coffee machine, and spilt milk all over the floor that one time".

To their relief, it was decided that they work best as a threesome anyway. And so the three P’s have remained, providing a loyal service to

the people of Cardiff University, come rain, snow or sun, for a combined 98 years.

They occasionally like to grumble about the students, and mutter about how they all pretend to have no money, yet spend over £2 a day on crisps and cakes. If only they knew how invaluable they were, for I fear many of us would not get through the day’s lectures without our triangular cheese sandwiches and bottles of Brecon Carreg water. God bless the coffee shop ladies – our degrees would be doomed without you.

ROOM 101 rep, Richard, a slightly porky guy with tight shorts and a mouth like a sewage dump. He asked us if we would book all of the company's events that week.

We said no, wanting to have our girly holiday without the ra-ra-ra antics of the reps. But Richard, determined to get every last ounce of commission out of us, wouldn't take no for an answer. His entrepreneurial technique was to undo his trousers and thrust his genitals in my friend's face, before running off with our keys. He said we'd only get them back if we came to whatever orgy the reps were hosting that night.

This was repeated every night, resulting in us chasing him, and consequently a chaotic collision. You would have thought he'd learn his lesson after the second time, but

maybe he enjoyed having a horde of angry 19-year-old girls chasing him.

Inevitably, we got fed up of our money-grabbing rep. When he tried for about an hour to get us to pay £80 for some event in Skegness in October, I felt like tattooing 'no' on his forehead.

But this behaviour was not the worst that we encountered. Blissfully unaware of any danger in the shower one day, you can imagine my horror at being burst in on by Richard (before you ask, there was no lock on the door). Desperately trying to cover my modesty, he took great pleasure in shooting me in the arse with ball bearings, before running off like some demented cowboy on heat. Pay money for this kind of humiliation? I don't think so.

May 10 2004

Opinion & Editorial

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Gina James learns to see the wood for the trees

T

hey say ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’. I have never really known who ‘they’ are, but as true as that statement can be, if often seems the same can be said of journalists and scientists. In fact, I’ll even risk going out on that limb and extend that comment to the university level of Arts and Science students. Before the resounding cries of “no shit Sherlock" deafen me, hear me out.

I know all the scientists out there are nodding with a patient and somewhat condescending smirk, but while I have your attention, I’d like to get the facts straight here and now…

Arts and Social Science types are not all hippies without a cause or a clue, and yes, we actually do work.

During my undergraduate degree, I had 10 hours of classes a week. That’s right… 10. Sigh, this time last year I spent many a lunchtime bopping to the music of the ice cream van at Warwick University’s piazza in the sunshine – before hot-footing it back to the library to continue hours of intense studying that is. My first year flatmate Nicola used to love pointing out that her intense maths degree had at least two and a half hours more than the waste-of-space degree I did.

With the amount of times she mentioned it I began to question the value of her course if all she could do was throw some redundant arithmetic my way. As far as I’m concerned, the fact that I could find my way to the

library blindfolded in a snowstorm with Rudolph and all his buddies trying to drag me in the opposite direction is testament to my dedication. I think she went once – to the induction in the first week.

She did not understand my discipline, and I certainly couldn’t begin to fathom hers. We were the archetypal ‘my subject is better than yours’; but the danger with this seemingly harmless competitiveness in university somehow manages to translate into the real world.

The equivalent of the professional world has got to be journalists and

“Scientists have a duty to warn the public of potential dangers” scientists, and I’ll be the first to throw my hands up and admit some fault – we journalists do love our sensationalist eye-catching headlines.

It is here that miscommunication and misunderstanding is often conveyed.

"Rollercoasters cause brain damage" (January 2000) and "Cradling phone can cause mini-strokes" (November 1999) are just two of many sensationalist headlines from the BBC, often considered to be the most

reliable news source in the world.

Naturally, the public does appreciate a ‘heads up’ on new scientific findings, but many news reports don’t state context and limitations clearly enough.

So are journalists and scientists really worlds apart? As a journalist with no scientific background I understand that perspective… but this doesn’t mean that the lines of communication are dead. The Social Issues Research Centre (SIRC) has addressed this problem by issuing guidelines on science and health, where the finger of blame for ‘distortion and sensationalism’ is pointed in both directions. That’s right, it’s not just us poncey Arts types causing the problems, it’s definitely a shared responsibility in this case.

It is concern expressed within the health and science communities regarding ways their issues are covered in the media that have inspired these guidelines. GPs and others in the medical profession emphasise the negativity of unjustified "scare stories", as well as those which offer unfounded hopes to the seriously ill. This is worst in the American tabloids, which often claim to have found a new ‘cure’ for cancer.

Press reports and broadcasts which have contributed to what scientists describe as ‘undesirable’ changes in behaviour of readers and viewers include the 1995 ‘Pill scare’ which caused widespread panic and lead to thousands of unwanted pregnancies

and over 29,000 abortions.

Unfortunately, finding a solution is definitely more difficult than pointing out the problem! Scientists have a duty to warn the public of potential dangers and highlight potential ways of improving health.

“I could find my way to the library blindfolded in a snowstorm” ‘Safety’ is a current topic with popular media – but scientists are often reluctant to claim anything is entirely ‘safe’, so until emphasis is shifted from one of sensationalism to one of cold hard facts (which, lets face it, will never sell papers or increase readership!), the distance between journalists and scientists will remain.

But we have to be sensible.

Scientists need to start being more communicative about their work to have an accurate reflection in the media, but this will only happen if we journalists put an end to these ‘wash and go’, guessing game science and technology reports. So… sit back, let your hair down and let me explain the science behind why Arts students work harder…

Student Rant

D

Rob Sharples

oes anyone remember those terrifying redtopped letters that arrived in halls just after Freshers’ Week? They were all about how much trouble we’d be in when the BBC detector vans started rolling through Uni Hall, banging on our doors like in Enemy Of The State. The letters themselves are rubbish; they can’t tell who lives where because they know we don’t stay in halls for more than nine months, and even if their death squads do find us they can’t come in without permission so who cares?

I’ve got no problem with the idea of paying for your pleasures, we all enjoy the Beeb and despite the crap they flood us with there are occasional gems that just couldn’t be made commercially. The World Service is a lifeline to thousands of ex-pats and if this costs us 10 quid a month then it’s only a pint a week.

No, it’s their neo-Nazi, only-just-

“cavalry charge intent on stealing our hard-earned pennies”

better-than-traffic-wardens ‘revenue protection teams’ that I hate.

We did a straw poll round the gair rhydd office while I was writing this, and of the small few that are here in daylight hours the only people to get written warnings are – you guessed it, the ones who don’t own televisions.

Greg ‘The Dalek’ Dyke has left, let’s use the confusion to take the fight to them. Don’t wait for them to sweep across Roath Park like some demented cavalry charge intent on stealing our hard-loaned pennies, but start sending the letters to them.

Don’t wait for their detector vans to rumble down Cathays Terrace, but start wandering around around their HQ with a clipboard and a dark suit.

The wannabe extremists among you could start demanding to see entirely made-up paperwork; even check that they have licences for their own TVs. Let’s face it, they can hardly phone up Downing Street to check your credentials these days can they? As for me, I’ve paid my licence fee and I’ve just got another letter from them.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 350 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

THIS PAGE INCLUDES WHAT IS SET IN STONE FOR NEXT YEAR IN YOUR STUDENTS’ UNION. IT’S UP TO YOU TO FILL IT...

T

he Students’ Union is yours – is it delivering? Plans are already underway for next year within the Students’ Union. So, we need to know what you want to see in your Union next year.

Have you nowhere to go on a Thursday? Should the Union open then? If so what do want – r ‘n’ b, metal, 80’s? If we don’t know, we can’t deliver, so help us out by dropping us a comment. Should there

be more one off events, maybe Jazz in Seren Las? More comedy nights? A Quiz twice a week? These are just a few ideas, hopefully you have a great deal more Either log on to www.cardiffstudents.com and click on what’s on to post your ideas on the messageboard, or e-mail the Commercial Services Officer directly at Rabjohnsm@cf.ac.uk.

Political Opinion

May 10 2004

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Claire Woods on Blair’s Babes

W

hen New Labour was elected in 1997 the title 'Blair's Babes' was given to the 101 female Labour MPs elected by British voters.

This massive increase in women in parliament was seen as a huge step for women not only in politics but also for the changes they could make for women in all walks of life in Britain.

So with the dawn on the next general election in the distant horizon, what have 'Blair's Babes' actually achieved? Have they caused a political shift in the macho, competitive environment in the House of Commons or have they been fluttering their eyelids and dutifully following the request of Mr. Blair?

Recently, Labour's woman MPs denied claims from the author Fay Weldon that they have done little to help their own sex. The author said

she had hoped when 101 women were elected to the Commons there would be some: “great wild sweep of social change” but this has not happened.

She added: “my greatest fear is that women just fell in love with Tony Blair.”

Weldon believes that 90 of the Blair's Babes speak with one voice, and have failed to make an impact.

She sarcastically wrote: “It's yes Tony, no Tony, smile at me, Tony.

How wise and wonderful and powerful you are, Tony.”

Clare Short, a now former minister of Tony Blair's government can certainty not be accused for sitting quietly and towing the party line.

A few weeks ago Ms Short claimed that ahead of the War on Iraq Britain had spied on the UN secretary general, Kofi Annan.

Clare Short said that while in government she had read transcripts of Mr Annan's telephone conversations.

Ed Williams on

Thatcher’s spectre I t's 25 years since Margaret Thatcher swept to victory in the general election. This, along with the EU constitution debate and election campaign trail, has added an edge to political debate in Britain to those of us interested in this.

Only on ITV teletext the other day was there a poll asking whether we miss Mrs T. This followed a vote of 97% protesting that the recent EU enlargement was bad for Britain. What about this as a text poll for the gair rhydd: who's sweeter, Maggie Simpson or Maggie T? We need some sensible discussion.

Of course most of us are too young to remember the Thatcher years with hardheaded clarity but her legacy remains and is possibly yet to be fully realised. Not least, socialism took a severe battering and had to be temporarily reformed to gain any popularity.

Despite failing in her quest for the minimal state (public expenditure decreased by only two per cent in her 12 years) she privatised telecomms, electric and gas while managing to denigrate the value of community.

The latter is particularly damaging as I believe that some form of liberal politics can be conducive with the community while giving all a fair chance in life. Though I may not agree with the 3rd way of the Blair government it has at least made practical efforts to remedy this Tory legacy.

The fear is that like Thatcher, Blair will become more dogmatic and forceful as his premiership runs and runs.

While Thatcher caused riots with the poll tax and upset her party to the point of leading to her exit Blair could similarly flounder.

The degrading Iraqi situation and the media questioning of the integrity

of New Labour and its politics continues while our faithful PM is seemingly oblivious to the loss of support from sections of his party and voters.

Certainly many with no distinct allegiance would like to see a shift in emphasis away from foreign policy and America towards public services and Europe.

However let us not forget what the politics of conservatism aspire to; the contradictory aspirations of a preservation, or even return, of a particular conception of values, often an independent Britain, alongside the freeing up of markets and borders supposedly giving individual freedom.

Furthermore, hearing Norman Tebbit on Question time and Jonathan Dimbleby reminds me of what we rejected in 1997: politicians distant from the majority of the electorate and a questionable respect for every member of the community. Tebbit, a man who once identified adults who have to use buses as failures, last week ridiculously and equated the politics of the BNP with that of Stalinism and then socialism in general.

Sure as hell it seems that the ignorant are usually Tories although it would be a pledge of rabid antiConservatism to suggest that all Tories are ignorant. Anyone even slightly to the left must accept that lower taxes and an emphasis on freedom are seductive and appealing election pledges.

But in 2004 what we should hope for is a party that adequately accounts for social equality and fair distribution whilst allowing and encouraging opportunity for individual betterment.

Whether or not Tony Blair is the right man for the Labour party is a matter of judgement for the party but we should always consider the alternative(s) to the existing government with a scrupulous eye.

Prior to this public criticism of the Labour government Short again publicly accused the Prime Minister of lying to the cabinet.

Short claimed that Blair bypassed the cabinet to agree a secret pact with Bush to go to war; that he mislead the cabinet about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction; and falsely told the cabinet that the French President would veto a second UN meeting authorising the Iraq war. I think it is clear to conclude that Clare Short is far from a loyal, disciplined follower of the Prime Minister.

But there is another issue to consider. Are women up to the pressured job as a cabinet minister? Firstly look at Estelle Morris. In October 2003. Ms Morris resigned from her position as Education Secrretary stating that she found it tough running a huge government department she had not enjoyed the high-profile attention and pressure the job entailed.

Secondly Harriet Harman did not resign but was sacked from her post as Social Security Secretary in a cabinet reshuffle in 1998. However, as a backbencher Harman believes she has been active in campaign for women issues like extended maternity leave and affordable child care for working mothers.

Furthermore, on the issue of 'Blair's Babes', Harman, a former Women's Minister has said: “Blair's Babes' have indeed trod a rockier road than had been predicted. The fact they were women, according to the hype, would lead to a revolution in politics.

Before long this was dislodged by sarcastic comment about loyalist automatons, fembots marching obediently through the lobbies in support of whatever the government dictated.

She further added: “What was not significantly recognised was that they were junior by definition. They had

only just arrived and they didn't even know where their office was. The hierarchy was still largely male whle the women were and at the bottom of the ladder.”

So, from a few select examples what can we can conclude about 'Blair's Babes'? Have they left they mark on British politics in the last 7 years? Harriet Harman's comments need to be considered.

Many Labour female MP's are junior and at the bottom of the political career ladder. However, there are many outspoken female MPs, for example Clare Short.

Some small steps have been made by ‘Blair's Babes’ for women in politics and for women's rights in society today. However more needs to be done by these women MPs. For this to happen more women MPs need to become senior to the males and then use this power they will hold in the government.

Europe works for women

By Glenys Kinnock

G

LENYS KINNOCK, one of Britain's best-known EuroMPs and Labour's spokesperson on Third World Development in Brussels, writes exclusively for gair rhydd on how women are affected by and are involved in European politics.

Over the course of a lifetime, the cost of being female in Britain is nearly 50% less income than being male. Progress on the pay gap remains painfully slow - at the current rate we will be half way into this century before it is eradicated. Women have a higher chance of falling into poverty than men, and until recently many women were concentrated in part-time work - with fewer promotion possibilities, less interesting work and a gender pay gap double that for full time work.

For a generation which largely thinks that feminism is a task completed, it should come as something of a surprise that there are still uneven rewards.

However, three years ago, European Union law brought us considerable change. We now have the right to paid holiday, to company pensions and the right to training. Part-time workers (most of whom are women) have the same rights as full time colleagues, including clearly defined maternity leave rights.

All of that obviously matters to our everyday lives. As does recent UK legislation implementing EU law to outlaw discrimination on the basis of age, race, sexual orientation, religion or disability.

The EU has brought real progress on everything from food safety to shopping by mail order to protecting our environment through pollution controls

Glenys Kinnock, Labour MEP - which, of course, can't simply be contained within British borders.

In the draft European Constitution equality between women and men is included as an objective, as is provision for gender mainstreaming.

Other elements include a strict antidiscrimination clause and the coordination of Member States’ policies in the field of social policy.

We have worked to ban sex-based discrimination outside the labour market and there will be an amalgamation of Directives on equal pay, social security, access to employment and on the burden of proof.

Much of my work as an MEP relates to the developing world, and a fair chance for girls is a fair start in our search for equality. Getting girls into school makes the difference between life and death for millions. Two thirds of the 180 million children denied their right to education are girls - but once a woman is literate, she is able to read the instructions on a packet of seeds, or medicines, or contraceptives.

Women's reproductive health rights deserve a high priority. In Africa, one pregnancy in every hundred ends in the mother's death. In the UK, the figure is about 1 in 11,000. Last year, the European Commission stepped in to fill what was called the 'decency gap', caused by George Bush's decision to cut US funding for organisations which even dared to talk about women having health care rights.

There are EU initiatives targeted specifically at women, like the DAPHNE programme designed to fight violence against women. But of course women also benefit from EUfunded programmes which enable young people to study and take work placements in other EU countries.

Getting good news across is not easy when we are preached at by the press about Brussels diktats to ban everything from Britain’s lollipop ladies, to the traditional British loaf, to the three point plug, and read nonsensical scarestories on Brussels 'harmonisation' of the pint, the condom and British toilets.

Lack of proper information is a real problem, and if people - women especially - are to be persuaded to engage with us in the debates leading up to the European Election on June 10th, they will need to be told what has been done. But we hear the issues discussed by grey men in grey suits, and when we see EU summits on the news it's lots of men drawing up outside grand buildings in limousines.

Women are at best pessimistic, and at worse hostile, to politicians. Nothing much is done to convince women that they are as important as men. However the Electoral Commission's new report on gender and political participation found that women are significantly more likely to turn out and vote if they are represented by a woman. And the Fawcett Society regularly remind us that "women’s votes decide the outcome".

In my view, women have every reason to be pro-European. Europe is a positive issue, which links democracy and peace across the world. Women need to be persuaded about this, and in the debate leading to the European elections take the chance to reflect on the benefits our membership of the European Union brings.

The message to women is clear – be engaged, be aware and make sure you use your vote in June!

Next weeks page will be about politcs and the environment. If you want to write for the politics section email your articles and suggestions to gropinions@cf.ac.uk. Alternatively, come along to the weekly politics and opinion editorial meeting: Tuesdays, 5:15pm, in the GR Office

Letters

Page 10

May 10 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page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

Sport monkey fights back Dear gair rhydd, In response to Lee Jones’ letter dated March 15, I would like to make several points. Firstly, he would like to know whether any gair rhydd reporter has covered any rugby match aside from the Varsity. If he had cared to research this himself he would find that we have covered 1st XV rugby at length and on numerous occasions.

Secondly, he suggests that I have not researched my article. The fact that I referred to their forthcoming promotion playoff as a result of winning their league clearly shows this not to be the case. I also specifically mentioned their ‘previously promising season’ which shows that I am fully aware of their achievements to date.

Furthermore, he suggests that, since I play IMG football, I am somehow unable to report on sporting issues.

I assume he feels that I would be more qualified if I did not take part in sport at all.

Jones makes the point that the rugby team freely admit they underachieved. The point of my article was to question whether the university’s considerable investment in the sport is being justified.

Perhaps Jones would be interested to know that the football team receives an annual coaching budget of £900 whereas the rugby team has a budget that far exceeds the average student

debt accrued after 3 years’ study.

While Jones suggests I should forget sports writing and concentrate on playing for ‘my beloved Accountancy’, would he not consider that I was failing as a journalist and neglecting my responsibilities if I did not question this huge investment?

I questioned whether Cardiff were making adequate progress in their stated aim to become the strongest academic rugby playing institution in the UK to justify this huge investment. I suggest many other sports clubs whose budget is drastically smaller might also question this disproportional allocation of funds.

Had Jones cared to look on page 35, he would have seen that I had conducted interviews with both Cardiff ’s 1st XV captain and the Rugby Development Co-ordinator.

Is this evidence of a lack of research? I think not.

John Stanton, Deputy Sports Editor.

And more sporting action...

The beautiful game?

Dear gair rhydd I’m sure many people have been expecting this for a long time, but there are some things in life which can’t be left alone. Some of you may remember an article in the Quench magazine which outlined all of the

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Religious response Dear gair rhydd I read last week’s letter on religion with interest as I too believe that religion is often used as a justification for violence, persecution or oppression. However, when ‘Anon’ included ‘gays becoming pastors/bishops’ in the same ‘outrageous’ bracket as cruel punishments such as stoning and chopping off hands, he or she lost my support. Religion should not be used to justify cruelty of any form but nor can it be used to support prejudice of any kind, such as the banning

of gay and lesbian priests due to ancient fear and exclusion of those who are different. Any sensible person in today’s civilised society must surely accept that religious texts written thousands of years ago cannot always be applied directly to current situations.

I do not believe that changing the scripture of your chosen religion at will is a good way to follow any belief system but nor do I believe that all religions must be taken as literal truth. That way lies dangerous fundamentalism. The lessons learned from archaic scriptures must move and change as society does or they

become out-dated and irrelevant to today’s believers.

The principle tenets of most major religions seem to be, to me at least, tolerance, peace and understanding.

While those who co-opt religious codes for their own purposes are doing all honest followers of peaceful faiths a disservice, those who cling to the literal texts while ignoring the changes in society around them are missing the point of religion; surely to provide harmony within communities, not bring about division. As the poet Audre Lorde wrote; ‘It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognise, accept and celebrate those differences.’ Once this lesson is learnt by all, perhaps there will no longer be a need for an excuse for such division, and religion will no more be twisted to fit dishonest purposes.

Rhian, 3rd year Astro.

Letter of the week will receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They will be available for collection from the gair rhydd office, on the top floor of the union building. reasons why football is better than rugby. However, now that we’ve reached the time when the exams are so nearly upon us and with Euro 2004 impending, what better time to set the record straight.

Firstly, to win over any of the impartial females, there are 16 extra legs on the pitch.

Now to convince the rest of you; The game of football is referred to as the beautiful game, most people think this is because of the length of time spent on make up and hair styling.

However, this is a common misconception, since it is actually a play on irony. Only a sport with someone like Ruud Van Horseface playing could be called beautiful, and the other players only look good for their court appearances and nights out in La Manga.

"But rugby players are hideous" I hear you say, but this can be justified.

Firstly, the sport is a rougher, tougher and a more physically demanding game of skill, so the occasional breaking of a bone is accepted if not anticipated by all involved. There is of course another occasion when footballers may look beautiful, and that is during the FIFA Oscar ceremonies where they all await the results of the "Most dramatic dive and/or fake injury" award (won in 2002 by Rivaldo for his performance in the World Cup).

Awards and World Cup in the same sentence. What that must feel like to a football fan. Bless. Although rumours are rife that Beckham has been shortlisted for most dramatic haircut in the forthcoming Euro 2004, William Hill says that it is too early for bets to be placed. Either way, he’s on the front page of Hello, with the woman he’s chosen this week.

I hate to lower the tone now, but hey, it’s football, I thinks it’s already hit rock bottom. It seems a prerequisite that all footballers have their respect removed, surgically or otherwise. By footballers, I mean supporters, coaches, players, managers, and anyone who just goes along for the fight.

Most people don’t understand the reason that footballers argue with the referee (other than to give themselves

a rest). It only gets them one thing, a telling off, which they then ignore, carry on, get another telling off and a warning, ignore that, carry on……..

Rugby players on the other hand can dispute a decision, but it gets them a yellow card. This highlights the difference in discipline and respect.

Rugby players have it, footballers don’t.

All in all, rugby is a game played by real men. Football is played by pansies who probably want to play rugby, but lack the physical capabilities and skill. Here endeth the rant.

Joseph Saunders, Third year German.

Bikini madness Dear gair rhydd My finals are fast approaching and with them that scary 'what to do with my life' panic will no doubt set in.

However, all of this is overshadowed by a much larger concern. I have just read with interest the feature on the Summer Ball in GR issue 761, and anticipate with particular pleasure the presence of podium dancers. The otherwise detailed account of the plans seemed to me to have an obvious omission - nowhere did it specify whether there will be temporary flooring or whether we will be wading up to our knees in mud. Of course the presence of one or the other has major consequences for the choosing of dresses and shoes for the event. This concern is even more worrying since usually my only recognition of fashion is the occassional wearing of a coat over my pyjamas if I'm going somewhere really special. Please help me out or I shall be forced to wear cowboy boots and a bikini. Does that count as black tie?

Bethy Hoare, Third Year Psychology.

Rest assured, if you call the union on 02902 781400 and ask for the Ents department they’ll be able to help.

Political correctness Dear gair rhydd,

Are Caralyn Richards and Emma Bebington mad or just stupid? How can they possibly hold the Equal Opportunities policy of the Union in such sacred regard, only to completely ignore it when it is in their own interest, i.e. when they get an extra day’s holiday over their male counterparts? It beautifully highlights how shamefully hypocritical political correctness is.

Miss Bebington says, "One day is nothing compared to the amount of money that men get more than women for the same job in the workplace." So two wrongs make a right, do they? Besides, this extra day off is specific to the Union; is she suggesting that her male Sabbatical Officers are getting paid more than she is? If not, how can she possibly justify her extra day off just on the basis of her gender. What about someone who was transgendered?

Should they get a day off too because they feel like a woman?

Miss Richards says, "They (women) work so hard so what’s a day?". Is she on the same planet as the rest of us? It appears that she’s saying the chaps don’t work as hard as the ladies. And what’s a day? Maybe she’d be willing to give up two days of her entitlement so that she had one less day than the lads? After all, its only a day!

As the genius George Orwell once wrote, "We are all created equal, but some are more equal than others".

Yours, Andrew Caldicott.

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - I will endeavour to print anything that I think is worthwhile, but please remember that I do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. The views expressed in these letters are not usually the views of letters desk or gair rhydd.

If you are returning in the Autumn this year don’t forget that here in the Student Development Unit we offer a comprehensive range of industrial and commercially-focused and personal development training modules.

The benefits of attending such programmes includes giving you skills and knowledge which will help you stand out from the rest of the crowd. Indeed it is universally recognised today that a degree is no longer sufficient to obtain a suitable position following graduation.

Employees respect the fact that students are able to relate to and practise the attributes required to operate successfully in employment today.

The courses are broken down into four main areas: - Soft Skills divided into a) Industry and commercially-focused skills such as Leadership, Teamwork and Problem Solving, and b) Personal attributes such as Motivation, Presentations and Self-Efficacy.

- Information Technology including improving basic skills and other packages.

- Language Skills – British Sign Language and Basic Welsh - Health and Safety – Basic 1st Aid, The Chartered Institute of Environmental Health Course and Driver Theory Training.

Having worked in industry myself I am therefore looking forward to the challenge of taking the Student Development Programme further and am confident that the range of modules on offer meets both employers’ needs and the extra-curricula needs of our students.

Theatr Sherman Theatre

LINDA SMITH LIVE T h e W RA P U P WA RM T o u r From BBC TV’s Have I Got News for You , Room 101,and Radio 4’s Just a Minute, News Quiz and A Brief History of Time Wasting .

Comedienne LINDA SMITHhits the stage running with her sparkling and inventive stand up show. Widely regarded as one of the sharpest comics working on TV and Radio, she was recently voted Wittiest Person in a BBC Radio 4 listeners’ poll.

Fresh, original and very funny Daily Telegraph Friday 21 May 2004 @ 7.30pm, Venue 1, Tickets: £13, Reductions: £10

B OX O FFI CE: 0 2 9 2 0 6 4 6 9 0 0 M I N I COM : 0 2 9 2 0 6 4 6 9 0 9 www.shermantheatre.co.uk

The Sherman, Senghennydd Road, Cardiff

Media

Page 12

Reel good awards

By Jen Crew Media Reporter IN ONLY their second year at the Media Awards, Film Society certainly knew how to show everyone what they are made of.

Four of the night’s categories were dedicated to the achievements of Cardiff’s movie makers but undoubtedly their biggest coup was a specially recorded video message from MTV’s Alex Zane who judged the coveted Best Short Film award.

Paul Welch’s Mind The Contraption beat off competition from the 2003’s winning filmmaker’s Going to win the title. Nominated for the same award last year, Welch finally scooped the top prize.

Congratulating Welch on his victory Zane said: "(He) had clearly though about incorporating post production elements and text into the finished film whilst playing with some 1970s style special effects."

The Best Screenplay honour was awarded to Don Sinclair-Smith, while Gary Andrews collected the prize for Best Film Review.

President Amy Mackelden praised the standard of all the entries, stating: "There weren't an overwhelming amount, but we were definitely going for quality over quantity. The screenplay submissions this year were particularly promising, and could lead to several film projects next year.”

The Media Awards represents the culmination of the Film Society’s activities over the last 12 months, paying tribute not only to its leading talent but also rewarding the commitment and effort that goes on behind the scenes of the society.

Promotions Officer Robbie Lane received the Award For Dedication for his role in writing, designing and distributing the majority of the material produced by the society, keeping its members and the rest of the student community up to date with all its activities.

The last twelve months has seen Film Society host exclusive advance feature film screenings as well as continuing their Tuesday night slot at UGC, showing a range of top-notch movies from recent years.

Cardiff’s cinephiles now look forward to an even more productive next year with all-members collaborative horror film in the pipeline. Mackelden said "I'm hoping for zombies walking the floors of Solus - that's gonna be the one to watch!"

WELCH: Best film award

May 8 2004

grmedia@cardiff.ac.uk

STUDENT ME

By Gary Andrews and Bec Storey at the Hilton Hotel CARDIFF’S TOP student journalists, DJs and film makers were rewarded last Saturday in a glittering ceremony at the Hilton.

This year’s Cardiff Student Media Awards reflected its surrounding by being a somewhat less rowdy event than previous years but this didn’t diminish the entertainment of the evening.

Bethan Elfyn and Huw Stephens from Radio One Wales presided over the ceremony, which rewarded the best of Cardiff’s student media from the past 12 months.

The quality of the event was matched by the stature of the judges, with Red Dragon programme controller David Rees among those judging the

Xpress Radio awards.

The Film Society, participating in the awards for the second year running, had MTV’s Alex Zane sending in a video speech in his role as judge for best film.

But it was gair rhydd who pulled off the biggest coup of the event by obtaining Channel Four News presenter Jon Snow and Daily Mirror political editor David Seymour to judge best news writer.

Although not present for the event itself, their experience in the national media means that the winner of the award, Anna Hodgekiss, stands a good chance of getting nominated in the national awards.

A n n a , who co-edits the news section in gair rhydd, was shocked to receive the prize.

"I didn’t expect to win," she

THOMAS: Editor

said, "but at the end of the day it’s a team effort and I couldn’t have done it without my boys."

The best columnist award also was judged by another high profile industry name, as the Guardian’s Polly Toynbee nominated the winner.

Unsurprisingly regular columnist Mark Cobley took home the prize.

The flame-haired writer has divided opinion over the past year but has maintained a quiet dignity throughout.

Accepting the award, Cobley said: "I’d like to thank Tristan for being such an understanding editor this year, especially when I haven’t been able to do my column on occasions."

This year saw a significant change to gair rhydd with the launch of Quench magazine.

In his speech Quench editor, Alex Macpherson said, "I’ve had a great time overseeing this truly amazing experience "I’d like to thank all the section editors who helped to make Quench’s debut year the success it was".

For Xpress Radio the night belonged to Adam Brooks who scooped best presenter and best mainstream show.

HOSTS: Huw Stephens and The delighted third year communications student said: “I know it’s a cliché this makes a great leaving present too. but the competition was ace. Fat Kids’ Adam’s former show, the Priority presenter, Helia, who I was up against music magazine, continued its winnin really knows how to talk a tune up. streak by taking the Best Specialis "As it’s my last year on Xpress Radio Show award for the third year running.

Brooks aims for Radio 1 awards

By Gary Andrews Media Editor XPRESS DJ Adam Brooks celebrated his victory at the Cardiff Student Media Awards by turning his sights on the national awards in the autumn.

Adam scooped the Best Presenter and Best Mainstream Show gongs at the ceremony on Saturday night taking his tally to four awards in three years.

Now the 21-year-old Communications student is aiming to repeat his success at the Radio One Student Radio Awards in November.

Adam exclusively told gair rhydd: "If I go home empty handed at least I know I couldn’t have tried harder.

"You never know what position you’ll be in six months time and whilst it’s a nice idea that the best person for the job can be found, award or no award, it does provide the kudos that gets you noticed in the industry."

He also paid tribute to David Luff, his successor this year on the award winning Priority show, by saying: "He’s

continued the trend of picking the best new alternative music for Xpress and has really hammered the promotion companies to get interviews and sessions."

Adam wasn’t the only Xpress member to visit the podium twice as Suzanne

Carter, the station’s head of promotions walked away with the same number of awards.

Suzanne took Best Feature for her I’m a student, get me out of here! documentary with Rachael Sweetland on the perils of student living.

BROOKS: Turning his sights on the national student radio awards

The 21-year-old Journalism student also scooped best media innovation for her work on organising the £150 giveaway with Bistro 116.

Commenting on her success Suzanne said: "I was really surprised to win best feature as there was really good competition from Woodville Road, but me and Rachael Sweetland worked really hard on it."

"This year the promotions team hasn’t been the largest in Xpress and its been a lot of hard work but at the end of the day it’s really rewarding."

Another shocked winner was Kate Scott-Williams who won the BBC Radio Wales award for best newsreader.

Kate said: "I was very surprised but pleased to win the award, but the standard has been really good this year because of the work the news team has put in."

Xpress Radio station manager Karen Sharp said the standard of entries had been high across the board.

"Many of the judges commented on Xpress Radio’s continuation of high standards and how hard it was to choose winners," she said.

Media

May 10 2004

Page 13

grmedia@cardiff.ac.uk

ALL PHOTOS: AJ Silvers

DIA HAS A BALL

Bethan Elfyn from Radio 1 Wales presented the ceremony

Presenter and head of music David Luff professed to be very relieved upon winning.

"Everybody tells me Priority always wins so I’m pretty relieved that we’re

carried on this tradition this year," he said on receiving his award. He continued "It was the first attempt at radio from everyone involved and we were up against some great shows

"So many people have contributed to Station Manager Karen Sharp singled the show, about 20. When you’ve got the out the members who had done the most ideas and opinions of that many people for the societies over the past year.

Tristan presented his award for dediyou can’t help but make a reasonable cation to gair rhydd’s longest serving show.”

The Film Society’s main award of writer DC Gates.

“It’s amazing that this man hasn’t best film was taken by Paul Welch for been up on the stage at any of these his short, Mind the Contraption.

In his acceptance speech, Paul awards during his time,” Thomas said.

Emma Bebington, accepting the emphasised the strides the society has made over the last two years and award on behalf of Gates, said: “I’m expressed hope that next year would see sure if David were here now he’d be very shocked and say something amusing.” even more short films being shot.

Karen Sharp’s award for most dedi"Without the Film Society I wouldn’t be able to make all my silly pretentious cated exec member went to technical films," he grinned. "Winning an award head Greg Sheppard.

Sheppard had arrived at the Hilton judged by Alex Zane makes me feel like early in the morning to set up and had a more worthwhile human being."

For the first time in the ceremony’s been directing the electrics from behind history the Photography Society also a mixing desk during the awards.

The most dedicated member had an award to hand out.

The Best Photographer prize was won went to Alex Henry for her work on the

by English student AJ Silvers, who said: promotions team over the year.

The awards were preceded by a I’m overjoyed, it’s completing unexpectwine reception and a three course ed.

"It’s great to see all the student media buffet meal whilst the aftershow in Cardiff represented at these awards, party was held in Seren Las nightclub in the Students’ not just the paper and the radio station.”

AJ had to find someone else to take Union. his picture whilst he accepted the award as he was acting as official cameraman for the night.

SHARP: At the end of the night both gair rhydd editor Tristan Xpress Thomas and Xpress Radio Manager

Thomas: We can be the best

By Bec Storey Media deputy editor CARDIFF STUDENT Media awards gave gair rhydd editor, Tristan Thomas, a chance to look back at a successful year, In his speech Tristan said: "gair rhydd really is pushing for the esteemed place of best student paper in the UK.” He thanked the legion of volunteers who were willing to give up their time that could be spent working on degrees.

Tribute was paid throughout the evening to Tristan.

Alex Macpherson, deputy editor thanked him for his "vision and determination” and said: “It’s been a real pleasure working with you.” gair rhydd’s news editor. Anna Hodgekiss left the media awards celebrating after winning Best News Reporter.

Anna has been at gair rhydd throughout her three years at Cardiff University while studying for a degree in English Language.

She started off as a news contribu-

And the winners are...

Xpress Radio Best Media Innovation: Suzanne Carter, Bistro 116 competition Best News Coverage: Kate Scott-Williams Best Mainstream Show: Adam Brooks Best Specialist Show: Priority Best Presenter: Adam Brooks

HODGEKISS: Co-news editor was shocked at her victory tor in 2002 and has worked her way up to news editor.

Despite her experience she told gair rhydd: "I was shocked. I didn’t expect to win it.

"It was a team effort. I couldn’t have done it without John and Pete".

Anna said the award was even more special because it was judged by Channel 4 News reader Jon Snow.

Ex-news editor Mark Cobley, who is off to City University next year,

won Best Columnist, “I was very surprised to win there are a lot of great writers from the editorial and opinion section.”

Best Section went to the Interviews section, which was launched in Quench over the summer.

Rob Plastow, co-editor with Louis Grover said: “It was unexpected, but well deserved. We’ve had some big venues which is probably what won it for us”.

Best Feature: Rachael Sweetland & Suzanne Carter, “I’m a student get me out of here”

Film Society Best Film: Paul Welsh, “Mind The Contraption” Best Screenplay: Don Sinclair-Smith Best FIlm Review: Gary Andrews

Award for Dedication: Robbie Lane

gair rhydd Best Designer: John Collingridge Best Sports Reporter: Riath the Arab & David Williams Best Photographer: Nick Parnell Best News Reporter: Anna Hodgekiss Best Feature Writer: Rhys James Best Interview: Nicola York Best Critic: Jamie Fullerton Best Section: Interviews, Rob Plastow & Louis Grover Best Column: Mark Cobley

Page 14

Five minute fun

May 10 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as its less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Tiebreaker: If you could spend twenty minutes with a character from BBC2’s The Office, who would it be and why? _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ Last week’s winner was - Amanda Watts with F.A.R.T - Funky Arsed Rock and Roll tarts- I’ll let you look up the question from last week so that, for a few seconds at least, you can wonder about the mental state of Amanda.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

The Half-Arsed Quiz 1. How many stars make up the plough?

2. Which comedian hosts ITV’s ‘TV Burp’?

3. Who starred in Girl with a Pearl Earring and Lost in Translation?

4. How old is the English hero, Jonny Wilkinson?

5. What is the Oscar de la Renta’s new fragrance called?

6. How many U.K households own at least one dog?

7. How many slices of pizza, are you recommended to have a week, in order to cut the cancer risk?

8. How long does it take Pluto to orbit the Sun? 9. What film did Kate Hudson and Naomi Watts star in?

10. What’s the name of Graham Coxon’s for thcoming 5th solo album?

The joke corner Bill is sitting in a pub and pulls out a tiny piano and a little guy about a foot tall.

The iickle guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite amazingly. The fella behind the bar says ‘Thats amazing. Where did you get him?’ Bill says ‘Well I got this magic lamp with a genie inside, and he granted me one wish’ ‘Thats incredible mate. Can I use it?” Bill agrees and hands him the lamp. The barman rubs it and out pops a genie who offers him anyhting. So he says “I want a million bucks’.

Suddenly the room is filled with quacking ducks. The barman exclaims ‘Hey”! I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!’ Bill explains ‘Yeah, he is a bit deaf isn’t he?

You don’t think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?’

What’s E.T short for?

Cos he has little legs When does Michael jackson know its bedtime?

When the big hand touches the little hand Did you hear Vanessa Feltz was held by customs at Heathrow for smuggling drugs?

Allegedly, she had 40lbs of crack in her knickers

1. Seven 2. Harr y Hill 3. Scarlett Johansson 4. Twenty four (bless his little rugby socks!) 5. Intrusion (cos thats really useful to know!) 6. 5.1 million 7. one (so I can proclaim to Mumcheeks that it is actually good for me!) 8. 250 years 9. Le Divorce 10. Happiness in magazines.

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Listings

Page 18

May 10 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday10/05

Tuesday11/05

Wednesday12/05

Thursday13/05

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Television

May 10 2004

Page 21

exclusiveinterview@awesomepisstake.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV May 10-16

Jordan’s TV titbits

TV Desk gets exclusive access to Jordan’s box to see what gets Katie Price’s juices flowing*

HOT Me “I’ve got gorgeous, round funbags, and I’m not mean about sharing them out. I know I look good, and men should share that with me.

And women... Yeah, I love women. I’d love to do Britney.”

SOAPS Jordan’s soapy nuggets...

Jordan and I smile at each other.

“So, Katie,” I say, dictaphone poised. “What’s your favourite soap?” She squeals with delight.

“Ooh, have you seen EastEnders recently? That Ash Ferreira’s hot.

So hot. God, those glasses... he looks like a real instrumental. And you know that Martin and Sonia are getting married? Dead sweet, that’s nice, that is. A good wedding’s always nice when there’s a kid involved.” She looms over little Harvey, currently sleeping. “Yeah, marriage is sacred to me. And Neighbours is so cute too... I’d give that old bugger Lou a ride! I don’t know if Pete would like it though...

I’d have to ask I guess. But I love winding down with a soap, specially if Pete’s around to play a nice game of fisticuffs with me...”

This week, we have really pulled a cracker for you. And I mean that with the greatest sincerity - a fucking huge cracker, if you will. By the luck of being with such a prestigious institution as TV Desk, we have blagged an interview with the icon of our time, Miss Katie Price, aka the stunning Jordan. Meeting up with the Page 3 stunner at her London apartment, Miss Price looks at TV Desk calmly, a wry smile brushing her perfect lipglossed pout. Taking a sip of her G and T, she looks pensive as she thinks about our question.

“Yes,” she says, eyeing us intelligently. “You certainly should have won Best Section at the Media Awards.” She adjusts her left breast.

It bounces slightly. She smiles wryly.

“Yes, your comments sum up the attitudes of a nation. I love TV, and John’s comments often bring a tear to my eye.

“My picks for this week are things I love cuddling up with certain footballers and failed pop stars to enjoy.

I have a really nice sofa - it’s cream, which is handy.” She swigs her drink and adds, succintly, “You can’t shift cum stains after a while, you know.”

TV Andy cuts to the chase: “I know you must spend a lot of time opening things for people to see, but when you do get to have a night in, spreadeagled on the sofa, what would you suggest our lovely readers should watch?”

“Well,” Jordan proffers, stroking Andy’s ginger beard, “on Mondays, I do try and catch University Challenge (BBC2, 8.30pm).”

Andy raises a quizzical eyebrow.

“Well I never

know the answers,” explains Katie.

“But I’ve just got a thing for men in authority and that Jeremy Paxman just gets my juices flowing, if you know what I mean.”

“On Tuesday, BBC3 have got Sex, Warts and All USA (midnight).

This programme’s brilliant - I mean, we’ve all been there, after all. I remember a time with Dane... well, I’m sure that green stuff only comes out of your nose. But,” she shrugs as her strap slips down a perfectlyformed nork. “I suppose that’s the price you pay for sucking off five footballers in a day then trying to get Dane to

slip me a length. After a while, your body can’t take it.” She sighs, nonchalant, and smiles brightly. “I love a bit of Hollyoaks though - do you remember that one where they all had the clap?”

“I’m really looking forward to Thursday night on BBC1,” continues Jordan as she lets a drop of condensation slide slowly from her raised glass to the gaping chasm of her cleavage. “They’ve got this programme called Dangerous Passions (9pm) which is meant to be about all sorts of naughty and risky types of sex. I mean I’ve obviously done them all; on top, underneath, even doggy style, but I’m always up for learning more techniques to satisfy my men - you don’t want them going elsewhere for their kebab meat do you?”

TV John sticks his oar in: “Tell me more about love, Jordan - or should I call you J? Surely amidst the rampant cock-gobbling you intake, do you find some time to sit back and keep close to your chest what really matters to you?” Jordan giggles.

“You can call me what you like, funboy. And why yes, since Peter piped my pickles in Australia, I’ve found love. I like to squat down and get my body pumped on a Friday (C4 9.30am) with More Than Love. ‘Cos with him, it’s just that. I give him his morning cup, and he gives me back a release of pure passion. And so long as I get a good pasting, I’m as happy as a stuffed turkey”. And then alas! Jordan departs. She takes her clothes from the hook, and she’s gone. A beauty in the night. God bless xx

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Snatch of the day

Straight to video...

“There’s nothing better than seeing myself plastered all over the big screen.” gushes Jordan as her foot caresses TV Holly’s thigh. “That’s why I always watch the very classy Celebrity Snatch on Sky One (Thursday 1am and 1.25am). Like the other classy late night Sky One shows, Celebrity Snatch features all sorts of upmarket celebs like myself, Leilani and that little minx Alicia Douvall getting up to all sorts of scrapes on nights out.”

“Don’t you worry what Harvey might think of you when he sees stuff like this when he’s older?”

TV Andy quizzes.

“Of course not.” Jordan retorts “It’s not as if he can watch it anyway, unless See Hear get their hands on it. Even then I’m sure they’ll describe me as the beautiful, proud woman I am. With huge gazongas. I wonder how you say that in sign language?”

Jordan’s taste in film is as exceptional as her taste in men. “I’m really looking forward to the release of Paris Hilton’s Sex Video (One Night In Paris),” she says naughtily. “To think, I’ve stayed in one of them hotels. Amazing. She’s so dirty...” She giggles. ‘It sounds fantastic Paris is my kind of girl. I’d love to do this sort of thing... I mean, Pamela Anderson did it, but she’s an old dog. I’m still gutted I didn’t give birth live on the internet, but it was just one of those things. I didn’t want the press seeing what Harvey looked like.

“Paris is completely unembarrassed by her body, and even though she’s a bit flatchested she huffs away with the best of them. Good on you, girl. Yeah, I really need to see my agent about that. Yeah... I could call it Twin Peaks: The Edge of Jordan or summat...”

NOT

Jodie Marsh “What a piece of shit this girl is.

Actually, I don’t reckon she’s female, she’s got a cock in there, I’m sure. Her nose is fucking horrid enough - like Michael Jackson gone wrong. And her tits are like elephants’ trunks - so long and saggy. She’s wlecome to Scott.”

SPORT “As you guys know I’m a huge fan of sport. Anything with guys with tight shorts and big packages gets me going. Even that bowls, they could roll their balls across my turf any time. I’m a big fan of watersports too - but it does get a bit messy after a few hours. I’ve held Becks’s hand you know.”

FILMS “This week’s got one of my fave films ever,” says an excited Jordan. “five are showing Fatal Attraction on Monday (10pm) which is just, like, such a good film. I feel really sorry for Glenn Close’s character - I mean she’s treated like shit by that smalldicked twat Douglas - I feel her pain. His bunny had it coming.”

LEGAL SHIT

* DISCLAIMER: As you might guess we haven’t actually interviewed Jordan to get this info, we actually made it up over several drunken conversations during the Media Awards based on the idea of an interview which had been fabricated in an amusing way.

Now I’m sure you’ll all take “Jordan’s” comments with a pinch of salt and just enjoy our rib tickling piss take. All comments expressed are our own and not those of Miss Price, though I’m sure she does watch Celebrity Snatch and has a thing for bowls players. I hope you enjoyed this special edition of TV Desk. We are A, H and J you have been had.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

May 10-16 2004

Freshbloodforthesacrificetothetvgods@tvdesk.co.uk

FUN FACTORY Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS)

SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

After an absence of four years, the Summer Ball returns to Cooper’s Field, reaffirming its status as the biggest university ball in the country.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Makeovers From Hell ITV2 9pm

FILM:Battle Royale C4 11 pm

I Am Not an Animal

The Operation...Live

BBC2 10pm

five 9pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Jeremy Vine Meets... 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 X-periMENTAL 16.35 Lizzie McGuire 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Connor makes his choice between Michelle and Carmella, however the girls have already chosen each other. Lou tries to redeem himself by burning his fat, bloated husk at the stake. Lil, Lyn and Susan enjoy a girls night out which results in the three of them having an orgy with a boatload of spunky sailors. Yowsah!

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 19.00 Open All Hours 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Will Kat's sacrifice buy Alfie some more time? Or will the police track the burnt remains of Gus back to her?

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Murphy's Law 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Royle Family 23.05 FILM: Runaway Train **** 00.55 Sign Zone 03.05 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 SMart 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Look and Read 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Maths Challenge 11.25 Watch 11.40 Look and Read 12.00 BBC Primary Geography 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 FILM: Escape to Burma *** 14.55 Eggheads 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Shit.

18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Fucking Awful.

18.40 My Wife and Kids Even worse than the above shiteness.

19.00 TOTP 2 19.30 Combat Pilot 20.00 Fred Dibnah's Building of Britain: Mighty Cathedrals 20.30 University Challenge: The Professionals 21.00 Dead Ringers 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 I Am Not an Animal Awesome new show written by Peter “Day Today” Baynham featuring such legends as Simon Pegg and Steve Coogan as mad animals who think they’re human. Instant classic.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Nelson Mandela: Accused 00.25 Days That Shook the World

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House The Robert Mugabe land reclamation show.

17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party Election broadcast.

19.00 Emmerdale I find it highly offensive that Patsy Kensit is involved in this now. Do they expect her to improve ratings? Her acting makes Lisa Riley look talented.

19.30 Coronation Street Todd plays with fire when Karl takes things a step too far. Cue yet another burning sacrifice - see a pattern emerge yet?

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Lovestruck Les gets more than he bargained for with Janice when she reveals she’s a pre-op...

21.00 Bad Girls 22.00 Shane 22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Premiership on Monday 00.05 Champions League Weekly 00.30 Football League Extra 01.10 Building the Dream 01.35 Today with Des and Mel 02.20 Grounded for Life 02.45 Entertainment Now!

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Decisions 09.55 gcsEASE: The Business 10.20 Life Stuff: Citizen UK 10.45 Arrows of Desire 11.10 Film Focus 11.35 Life Stuff: Working Week 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men 12.55 Ribidires 13.15 A Place in the Sun 14.15 Up Your Street 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Cawl Potsh 16.25 Hip Neu Sgip?

16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Election Broadcast Europe A European Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party.

18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Meical is still sleeping in the caravan and if Elfyn's financial situation does not improve, he will also have to find a new place to live. TV Holly is looking for housemates, perhaps he could move in with her. So long as he doesn’t masterbate in the lounge whilst she’s there I’m sure they’ll get on.

19.00 Wedi 7 .

19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol Ewrop European Parliamentary Election Broadcast by the Labour Party.

19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio.

21.00 Crwydro 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Risking It All 23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Will and Grace 01.00 Monster Garage

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Duel at Silver Creek ** 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Glass Coffin ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Alf offers the answer to Leah's prayers as he gears himself up for 24 hours of heavy cunnilingus action.

18.30 Family Affairs Lucy's suspicions are fuelled when she misinterprets something. Yes, there really was a canoe in his trousers.

19.00 five news 19.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Labour Party 19.30 Road Rages: Parking Mad 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 The Operation... Live Showing a live caesarian - why? Who on God’s Earth would seriously want to watch this?

22.00 FILM: Fatal Attraction *** 00.20 Cheating Spouses: Caught on Tape 01.15 US PGA Golf: Wachovia Championships 02.05 NASCAR Busch Series: Charter 250 02.55 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix: Round 17, Las Vegas 04.20 Argentinian Football Highlights 05.00 Argentinian Football:

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Vic and Bob's Top of the Pops 2 20.00 Who Rules the Roost 21.00 Outrageous Fortunes: De Beers 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Coupling The same nine and-a-half minutes are seen from three different points of view. Awesome episode, building up to the new series, which unfortunately will be missing Geoff - therefo negating my interest in it.

23.00 Swiss Toni 23.30 Nighty Night In the most awesomest scenes since Jill made Angel Delight I’ve just heard that Nighty Night has been given a Christmas Special to compliment its second series. I can’t wait...

00.00 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 00.30 Monkey Dust 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 Outrageous Fortunes 02.30 Dreamspaces 03.00 Conflicts 03.30 Conflicts Gary Vs Alex huge bitchfight right now.

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 17.00 Coronation Street 17.30 Emmerdale Andy gets dark and dangerous as he deals with Katie's infidelity. Apparently I go on a rampage with a shotgun. Personally I’m quite looking forward to it.

18.00 Emmerdale In the pub, tensions between Chas and Louise reach a head when she starts flirting with Dave.

18.30 Champions League Weekly 19.00 F1: Spanish Grand Prix 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Airline 21.00 Makeovers from Hell 22.00 Taxi Nights 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show 00.10 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.40 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Trapped: Buried Alive * 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Aggro 22.00 South Park Suddenly it is hip to be gay in South Park.

Featuring guest appearances from Alex Macpherson, Liberace and Tom Cruise.

22.30 Uncut! Sex on the Job 23.30 Million Pound Hoax 00.30 Star Trek: Voyager 01.25 More Soap Stars Behaving Badly Oooh I “must” stay up for this one.

02.15 Cops 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 04.45 Vampire High 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends .

18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years Clark is suspicious when Lana suddenly becomes attracted to a fellow student, and begins to act rebelliously.

Welcome to the world of hormones Clark.

19.00 Dawson's Creek In their bid for student council, Andie and Joey face a vicious smear campaign as the opposition pelt them with human excrement.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 What Sadie Did Next I repeat: Fuck off and die you vacuous bitch.

22.30 The OC 23.30 Bo Selecta! .

00.00 Hollyoaks 00.30 Sex Rules 01.00 The World of Van Helsing 01.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.20 The OC 03.05 What Sadie Did Next

As S4C except: 06.00 Animated Tales of the World 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm. 09.30 Decisions 09.55 The Business: Business or Pleasure?

Documentary following Oxfordbased independent label Truck Records as it tries to build a following for its music, both locally and internationally. Awesome label scenes. 10.20 Citizen UK: Kyle's Story 11.35 Working Week: Hair Colour 12.30 Frasier 13.00 The Great Pretenders 13.10 FILM: The Man in the White Suit **** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece. 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Harsh Divide 20.00 Mandela: Beneath the Halo 21.00 Prince Charles: The Bachelor Years 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: Battle Royale **** 01.10 Football: South American Championship 03.05 Dispatches: Keep Them Out 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Sarah & Whammi. 4.15 Rat-A-Tat. 4.30 What's So Good About Dick King-Smith? 4.45 All About Us.

Tuesday

May 10-16 2004

Page 23

ineedapiss@goldenshower.com

The Woman in Me BBC1 11.05pm

Get a New Life BBC2 8pm

Private Benjamin

Emergency Nurse

BBC2 11.50pm

C4 11.35am

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 BBC Primary Geography 10.40 BBC Primary Geography 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 2 14.00 am.pm 14.55 Eggheads 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Gah! Give us the Simpsons and get rid of this offensive sitcom - a word which says it all, I feel.

18.40 My Wife and Kids Are complete arseholes and won’t let me won’t allow me to scratch my bollocks in public. Bastards.

19.00 TOTP 2 19.30 Time Flyers: Scotland's Exodus 20.00 Get a New Life by buying dice and becoming dicepeople...

21.00 Diarmuid's Big Adventure 22.00 Yes, Minister 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 So What Do You Do All Day? Use a hairbrush as a dildo, mainly. 23.50 Sophiatown 01.15 Days That Shook the World 02.00 Schools: History

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Boohbah 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales Election broadcast.

19.00 Emmerdale Charity learns that Sadie is more than just a pretty face: she’s got a putrid flange as well. Tom is furious when Chas and Carl get carried away, but then joins in with their ‘rough love’, tearing chunks out of Carl’s bollocks with his teeth.

19.30 Carol Vorderman's Better Homes 20.00 The Vault 21.00 FILM: Gone in 60 Seconds ** 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Gone in 60 Seconds ** 23.50 FILM: Private Benjamin I was thinking about this film the other day. I was thinking ‘why is Goldie Hawn in such gash films, and why do older men fancy her when she has lips like a limp eel?’ Then I remembered Housesitter, and forgave her for this. *** 01.45 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Replayed 04.25 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: Decisions 09.55 gcsEASE: The Business 10.20 Life Stuff: Citizen UK 10.45 Arrows of Desire 11.10 The English Programme 11.35 Life Stuff: Working Week 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Yoko!

Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Triongl 13.00 Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 Channel 4 Racing from York 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): FTPD 16.30 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Election Broadcast Europe A European Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru.

18.00 Friends The friends start a pool for lottery tickets but get annoyed when Monica buys some just for herself and Chandler.

Well, like, could they have been any worse friends?

They should have just done an inpromptu orgy for the scriptwriters.

18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol Ewrop European Parliamentary Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru.

19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro 9 21.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22.00 Emyn Roc a Rol 22.45 Prince Charles: The Bachelor Years 23.50 Mandela: Beneath the Halo 00.50 NYPD Blue 01.45 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools) (4.00-6.10): Sarah and Whammi

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Nadine *** 15.40 FILM: Children of Fortune 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Dani makes a shocking discovery about her lecturer: his PhD is actually in the results of aural penetration. Otex at the ready, love.

18.30 Family Affairs Lucy is shocked to discover the truth about Sam. Yasmin is petrified about not getting pregnant. Just get yourself a nice coil, love, I’ve seen them on skips for free, you know.

19.00 five news 19.25 Party Political Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats By the Liberal Democrats.

19.30 Daring Raids of World War II: Assault on St Nazaire 20.00 Submarine 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Arrest and Trial: Family Cover Up Because even though I accept it, some narrowminded people don’t like incest.

23.25 Murder Detectives: Missing Pearl 23.50 Angel 00.45 NHL Ice Hockey: PlayOffs - Round Four 03.45 NHL Ice Hockey Replay

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Vic and Bob's Top of the Pops 2 20.00 Who Rules the Roost Well it should be TV Desk, but we were disallowed the dubious honour of recieving a Media Award for our fine contribution to Cardiff, Wales and the world, as I didn’t suck any media mogul off (and neither did John or Andy, to my knowledge).

Bastards. 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders As above, rah rah rah.

22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps A story of Jordan’s post-coital needs.

23.00 The Fast Show Farewell Tour Highlights from the autumn 2002 00.00 Sex Warts and All USA Jordan’s hospital story.

00.30 The Job Writing unfunny comments while I feel the scabies creeping into my flange.

00.50 Little Britain 01.20 Monkey Dust 01.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.20 Dreamspaces 02.50 Who Rules the Roost

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street As Katy's worst fears are confirmed, she gets a severe and unexpected warning. Stop taking it up the arse or you won’t have any intestine left.

18.30 Emmerdale Andy is reunited with Daz and Katie grows increasingly alone as Donna ends their friendship.

Gutted. Go to Andy and Daz’s then.

19.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.30 Emmerdale Secrets: InLaws and Outlaws 20.30 It's Good to Be...

Leonardo DiCaprio You do get to shag Gisele, after all.

21.00 Trouble in Paradise 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Bad Girls 23.30 Bad Girls 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Epidemic ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Homer decides that Bart needs disciplining and bans him from seeing the new Itchy and Scratchy movie.

19.30 The Simpsons On Whacking Day, citizens of Springfield beat out all the snakes in the area and herd them to their certain death, but Bart and Lisa save the day - and the snakes.

20.00 Tru Calling 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas 23.00 Scrubs 23.30 Shock Video 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Divas Behaving Badly 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 04.45 Vampire High 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Chandler wants to commit to a relationship with Janice. However, she is suffering fire injuries after her street slaughter. 17.30 Friends Phoebe tries to be more friendly towards her half-brother, and decides to suck him off, while Ross meets his dream woman - film star Isabella Rossellini. She says ‘no’, by the way.

18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends A confused Monica visits Richard's apartment. Chandler goes looking for her - will he find her in time?

No, too late, he’s already come into his hand.

21.30 Friends 22.00 Friends 22.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 23.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 23.35 Ali G in Da USAiii 00.10 Infamous Fives 00.35 Hollyoaks 01.10 Experimental 01.35 Friends

As S4C, except: 06.00 Animated Tales of the World 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Decisions 09.55 The Business: Yo! 10.20 Citizen UK: Jenna's Story 11.10 Film Focus 11.35 Working Week: Emergency Nurse Someone is sent in to rid the office of its horrendous smell - my flange. 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 The Great Pretenders 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks Izzy is at the end of her tether, but luckily Ben is hand to give her a good boning in her straining behind. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Harsh Divide 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener 21.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 22.00 Aileen: Life and Death 23.50 ALT-TV: Mr Mkhize's Portrait 00.25 Shariah TV So 01.25 Islam Unveiled 02.20 Andromeda 03.05 Andromeda o 03.50 Chicken Wire 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Sarah and the Whammi: Bullies. 4.15 Rat-ATat-Tat 7: So Much.

SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Jeremy Vine Meets... 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 50/50 16.35 Ace Lightning 17.00 Really Wild Show 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Michelle learns the truth about Connor and Lori, and realises that she’s best to be rid of him as flagellation isn’t her thing.

Toadie and Sindi finally act on their feelings, and fist each other senseless (and sphincterless).

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Time's running out for Alfie, and Kat gets a nasty reminder from Andy - that herpes is a bitch when it finally shows up. Ash goes for broke to save the Ferreira's house, and pimps his ass to Ian. 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Cutting It 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: The Woman In Me Gives great cunnilingus. 23.45 FILM: The Replacement Killers *** 01.30 Sign Zone: Bill Oddie's History Hunt 02.30 Sign Zone: Danger on the Beach 03.00 Joins BBC News 24

COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

May 10-16 2004

captainhook@wattswithmother.co.uk

There is no RUBBER DUCK due to exams.

RUBBER DUCK will return on the 2nd June for two final weeks of mayhem.

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

The Protectors BBC1 9pm

The British Soap Awards ITV1 8pm

Duggan:Sins of the Father five 3.40pm

Evel Knievel five 8pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Jeremy Vine Meets... 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 The Mummy 16.30 Watch My Chops 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party Five minutes of farce.

19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 DIY SOS 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 Destination D Day 21.00 The Protectors 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News, Weather 22.35 Belonging 23.05 School Day Documentary following a group of students on a school day. Yeah right. A TV news programme once filmed some friends of mine at another school. It was totally unrealistic.

They didn’t look like haggard inbred stoner student idiots all fucking each other in the cathedral grounds, for one thing.

00.05 International Boxing 01.50 Sign Zone: See Hear 02.35 Sign Zone: Destination D Day: The Raw Recruits Documentary following a deaf, nude, re-creation of 1944’s DDay landings. Apparently the inspiration behind Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood Programme about the making of Domino’s Meat Feast pizza. 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Really Wild Show 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook Never trust a thin cook. They obviously don’t eat their own food, and probably masturbate over the parsnips. 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.00 Time Flyers 11.30 am.pm 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show Fantastic. Normally, the fact that BBC have been repeating a program since 1961 would be negative, but frankly if you don’t appreciate the merits of Bilko, you have no sense of humour.

Fact. 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 The House Detectives 14.55 Eggheads 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.40 Match of the Day Wales: FAW Premier Cup Final: Rhyl v Wrexham. The titans of deeply unpleasant, scummy North Wales pissholes fight for the right to party.

21.10 New Servants 22.00 The Good Life Boring and overtly English comedy. The Two Pints of Lager... in that sense, only with class issues rather than ass issues. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Orphans of Nkandla 00.45 Days That Shook the World

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 The Yuk Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream Hosted, ironically, by Linda Barker.

18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party Election broadcast.

18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Todd has nowhere to hide when Katy takes matters into her own hands.

Fnarr! That would be one way to stay on the straight and narrow. Even if Katy does have hair like Pat Sharp.

20.00 The British Soap Awards 2004 Worst character: Ash Ferreira. Stupidest voice: Vicky. Scariest meat cleaver-wielding psychopath with goggle eyes and stinking meatbased life: Fred Elliot.

The special “Actor called Leslie with most valuable controbution to the internet pornography and embarrassing tabloid front-page hilarity” award: Dirty “as in that’s how I like your used g-strings” Den Watts.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Ferret 23.35 Club Reps Series 00.05 Redcoats 00.35 CD:UK Hotshots

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion: Life Stuff: Decisions 09.55 gcsEASE: The Business 10.20 Life Stuff: Citizen UK 10.45 Arrows of Desire 11.10 English Programme 11.35 Life Stuff: Working Week 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 12.40 Seren For 12.50 Caffi Sali Mali 13.05 Bwmp 13.15 Channel 4 Racing from York 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Nic a Peri 16.15 Sgorio Bach 16.30 Mali O 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Election Broadcast Europe The English one.

18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Why are the twins eager to visit the cinema? Probably to see Beverly Hills Copulation, the incestuous buggers!

19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol Ewrop European As above, in Welsh.

19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal Aled Samuel visits a radical terraced house in Cardiff.

Evidently not mine, unless a bathroom so full of damp even slugs don’t bother visiting counts as “radical”.

21.30 10 Years Younger 22.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 23.00 ER 00.00 Frasier 00.30 Film: Very Bad Things 02.20 ICC Cricket World 02.45 Shariah TV 03.45 The Chris Isaak Show Yay! Twice a week for my favourite disjointed nose.

08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Murder at the Gallop *** 15.40 FILM: Duggan: Sins of the Father ** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Political Broadcast by the UK Independence Party 18.00 Home and Away Dani confronts her lecturer about his inappropriate behaviour. Why doesn’t this happen to me?

Elsewhere, Irene takes the mystery girl in, but is it more than he can deal with? Erm, and since when has Irene been a man? It should by us making typos, not the authorities who issue us with our listings. Tut. 18.30 Family Affairs .

19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Evel Knievel: Ultimate Daredevil One of the few people in this world whose genuine idiocy and liquor-love holds a special place in my heart.

Like he was ever going to make that jump. His son is also a motorcycle stuntman, but who cares about him, the prickish little daddy’s boy.

21.00 The World's Greatest Conspiracy Theories 22.35 FILM: Airplane! **** Legendary disaster movie parody, the point of which escapes me.

00.20 Tasteful TV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Phill Jupitus's Top of the Pops 2 Humourless twat, and responsible for the desecration of the rule “they have good taste in music, they’ve got to be great”, since he likes Billy Bragg, and, as I said, is a humourless twat.

20.00 The Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final 2004 Awesome, although the idea of having a semi-final can fuck itself right now. What’s the point, when the alternative is to have the entire of Europe performing on one night, and the programme can be up to and including many many lovely long hours?

22.00 FILM: Bedazzled 23.30 Strictly Come Dancing On Three 00.30 Trauma on Three And a load of inane bullshit, also On Three. 01.00 Sex Warts and All USA 01.30 Dreamspaces 02.00 The Eurovision Song Contest SemiFinal 2004 How DARE they deprive us of this televisual delight by putting it on digital, anyway? Spoilsports.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 The British Soap Awards 2004 - The Stars Arrive 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question 20.00 Agatha Christie's Poirot 22.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 22.25 The British Soap Awards 2004 - The Party 23.30 Jennifer Lopez... Love Chain 00.00 Drew Barrymore... Love Chain Did you know Jeremy Beadle created and produced the game show Chainletters?

True story. He’s responsible for Surprise Surprise too, which is unforgivable. Drew Barrymore, however, goes out with one of the Strokes, the blind barnacleencrusted old tart. 00.25 Coronation Street 00.55 Jerry Springer 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Friends 22.00 Friends.

22.30 Smack the Pony I’ve never liked this. Sketch shows are, to coin a phrase, sketchy.

And this is sketchier than most.

23.05 Teachers 00.05 Teachers 01.10 Hollyoaks 01.40 Trigger Happy USA The same old same old format plonked onto the streets of America. But, as any thick-asshit student will tell you, Americans are all stupid fat idiots with no brains, so this should be funny anyway. These are the same sort of people that go “Yo George Bush, he’s an idiot because he didn’t know what entrepreneur means” and think they’re God’s gift to student politics. 02.05 Teachers 03.00 Teachers

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Runaway Car ** 13.40 Scrubs 14.10 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tarzan 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 FILM: Bad Boys Starring: Leslie Grantham, Liam Gallgher, and Jay-Z, who isn’t really so much of a bad boy, since apparently he’s having tea with Prince Charles tomorrow. Although, he also asked for “a knighthood” on his rider for the Urban Music festival this weekend, so maybe “Overoptimistic Boys” is more this thing. *** 00.15 Star Trek: Voyager 01.10 Behaving Badly: Hall of Fame 02.05 Yanky Panky Ahahaha what a wittily titled programme.

03.00 The X Files 03.55 Veronica's Closet 04.20 Early Edition 05.10 The Nanny

06.00 Animated Tales of the World 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Decisions 09.55 The Business: Staying in the Black Documentary about Oxford based label Truck Records as they promote the new album by Black Neilson. My friend Hannah works for Truck and is featured in this documentary, and I stayed with Black Neilson at All Tomorrow’s Parties in 2002. So fuck you. 10.20 Citizen UK: Asif's Story 11.10 Film Focus 11.35 Working Week: Journalist. 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 Grudge Match 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Harsh Divide 20.00 How Clean Is Your House? 20.30 10 Years Younger 21.00 Risking It All 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.35 Sex and the City 00.05 Sex and the City 00.35 Perfect Match New York 01.35 More Sex Tips for Girls 02.00 Some of My Best Friends...are 13.

Thursday

May 10-16 2004

Page 25

Fuckingdeniedbyripoffmerchants@Media_awards.com

Kerching!

BBC1 4.35pm

Dangerous Passions BBC1 9pm

Celebrity Snatch

60 Minute Makeover

Sky One 1am

ITV1 1pm

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Hands Up! 10.45 Pathways of Belief: Sikhism 11.00 The Way Things Work 11.15 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.10 FILM: The Intelligence Men ** 14.55 Eggheads 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Wank.

18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air Irredeemably bad.

18.40 My Wife and Kids Tragic.

19.00 TOTP 2 19.30 Counties of Wales: Denbighshire 20.00 Cousins: Apes The Sports Desk story.

20.50 The Flying Gardener 21.00 Make Me Honest A night-club owner mentors a man who has served a year for credit card fraud.

Bet they eventually end up performing a huge drug deal instead of going straight.

22.00 That Was the Week We Watched The legend that is Simon Pegg narrates a focus on the week 11-17 April 1970.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 3 Non-Blondes 23.50 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Guguletu Seven: Storyville 01.20 Days That Shook the World 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Tutenstein 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Andy learns from social services if Daz can return for good as well as washing whiter than white.

19.30 The Great Beers of Wales These are the stories of Buchan's Beer in the Rhymney Valley and the Evans Bevan dynasty in the Vale of Neath.

Both were eventually amalgamated to form Whitbread Wales, but then closed. What a thrilling story...

20.00 The Bill Gabriel takes the law into his own hands when he discovers a paedophile is living in the area. I suppose even angels must hate nonces.

21.00 Trouble in Paradise 22.00 Wales This Week 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Party Election Broadcast by the Green Party 23.05 A Promised Land 00.05 The World of Van Helsing 00.30 Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married 00.55 The District 01.40 Grounded for Life 02.05 1996 Forever 02.55 Strictly Soho 03.20 Cybernet

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: More than Love 09.55 gcsEASE: The Business 10.20 Life Stuff: World of Difference 10.45 Arrows of Desire 11.10 English Programme 11.35 Life Stuff: Working Week 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Binca 12.40 Tweenies 13.05 Clwc 13.15 Channel 4 Racing from York 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Troeon Tristan 16.15 Traed Moch 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Election Broadcast Europe A European Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats.

18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 18.55 Y Clwb Rygbi 20.50 Pobol y Cwm Good news for Dai, but bad news for Cai and Emma as their new flatmate turns out to be a compulsive masterbator.

21.20 Clwb Garddio 21.50 Tipyn O Stad 22.20 Darllediad Etholiadol Ewrop European Parliamentary Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats.

22.25 Newyddion News.

22.40 Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer Whatever your opinion on Monster, Nick Broomfield’s documentary is a fascinating portrait of serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

00.30 Dispatches 01.30 Perfect Match New York 02.30 The PJs 03.25 Brazilian Football Championship: Coritiba v Sao Paulo

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: The Young Guns *** 15.45 FILM: Night Passage ** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Political Broadcast by the Green Party 18.00 Home and Away Kirsty shatters Seb with her lies. He must be pretty fragile then, or she’s actually a banshee...

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow on the Lady Lever Art Gallery 20.00 Who Killed Tutankhamun?...

21.00 FILM: Conspiracy Theory Average Gibson thriller. *** 23.40 Laureus Sports Awards 01.10 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.50 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v ADO Den Haag 03.20 Argentinian Football 04.50 Argentinian Football Highlights 05.20 US Major League Soccer: LA Galaxy v Dallas Burn What fucking awful names the American teams have. Then again Sheffield Wednesday and Crewe Alexandria are pretty stupid themselves.

Well it’s the first bit of space I’ve had to fill this week so far: I’ll espouse the genius of Kevin Shields as My Bloody Valentine’s Sometimes makes me weep with joy.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Phill Jupitus's Top of the Pops 2 20.00 EastEnders Revealed 20.30 Eurovision On Location Lorraine Kelly and Paddy O'Connell provide the latest news and gossip from this year's Eurovision Song Contest in Istanbul, Turkey, and preview the entries for Saturday's final.

Obscenely pointless TV wank.

21.00 Trauma on Three 21.30 Little Angels This edition features a couple whose 5-yearold son Matthew seems to be out of control. Hmm, do you think they’ll blame ADHD or bad parenting? Looks like he’ll be doped up with Ritalin within the 30 minutes...

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Who Rules the Roost 23.30 Shaun Ryder: The Ecstasy and the Agony 00.30 Eurovision On Location 01.00 Trauma on Three 01.30 Little Angels 02.00 Sex Warts and All USA 02.30 Dreamspaces 03.00 Eurovision On Location 03.30 Trauma on Three

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 The British Soap Awards 2004 - The Stars Arrive Pointless toss.

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street Almost as entertaining as “Blank Screen”.

20.00 The British Soap Awards 2004 Paul O'Grady hosts the British Soap Awards - a starstudded event which celebrates the country's most popular TV shows, with 18 awards honouring homegrown talent. I honestly believe that if this event was destroyed in some kind of gak/toupee accident and there were no survivors I’d sleep happier at night.

22.30 The British Soap Awards 2004 - The Party 23.35 Bad Girls 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.25 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Icebreaker * 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 Jack and Kim face off against Nina, but not before Chase has some explaining to do when his secret love for porn involving Lisa Riley is revealed.

22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Celebrity Snatch 01.25 Celebrity Snatch The mind boggles as to what this programme features. Suffice to say your granny won’t like it.

01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 The Nanny 05.35 The Nanny

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years While stopping a robbery, Clark is rendered temporarily blind - only for his hearing to become extremely sensitive. Are you sure it’s not from too much monkey wrenching Clark?

19.00 Dawson's Creek A fishing tournament provides a chance for some father-son bonding. A slight editing of that last sentence would produce the funniest listing I’ve ever seen - and possibly the most disturbing.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 Infamous Fives 23.00 Bo Selecta!

23.30 Friends 00.05 ER 00.55 Hollyoaks 01.25 Trigger Happy USA 01.55 The World of Van Helsing 02.25 Infamous Fives 02.50 Bo Selecta! 03.15 Trigger Happy USA

As S4C except: 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond I don’t he’s a whining cunt. 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 More Than Love 09.55 The Business: Fish to Go 10.20 World of Difference 11.10 Film Focus Featuring the acclaimed director Baz Luhrmann and a look at his early work, in particular the visual spectacle of Strictly Ballroom.

Could be worth a shout. 11.35 Working Week: Youth Worker 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 The Great Pretenders 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Friends 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Harsh Divide 20.00 Fairy Godfathers 21.00 Dispatches: Fit to Eat 22.00 Sex on TV 23.05 Naked World 00.40 NYPD Blue 01.35 Travels of a Gringo 02.35 Football: South American Championship 04.20 Trans World Sport 05.15 Countdown

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Jeremy Vine Meets... 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 All or Nothing 16.35 Kerching!

17.00 Short Change 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lou gets a big win. Surprise, surprise a soap character gets a lucky reprieve after financial hardship rather than getting their kneecaps shot by a mafia hitman.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders It's the end of the line for Alfie, but will he get a last minute reprieve? I fucking hope not.

20.00 Trauma Being forced to listen to Alex’s excruciating R’n’B bollocks all evening.

20.30 Bailiffs 21.00 Dangerous Passions Bestiality with king cobras, crossing motorways blindfolded and sleeping with Sports Desk.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.50 FILM: A Kidnapping in the Family

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

May 10-16 2004

dontworry@theyarefishheisholding.co.uk

LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Opening Hours MonFri 8.30am-7pm, Sat 12-4pm Lucozade 380ml only 49p Brecon Carreg 500ML water 2 for 49p Feel Good Spritz drinks only £1.19 Cadbury Dairy milk/ Wholenut/Fruit & Nut King size 2 for 99p Trebor Extra Strong Mints/ Softmints 2 for 50p Nik Naks 2 for 39p Yazoo Milk drinks 2 for 99p

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

King of the Hill C4 2.55am

Later With Jools Holland BBC2 11.35pm

Film: The Birdmen

Naked World

five 2.05pm

S4C 11.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Jeremy Vine Meets... 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 Astroboy 16.30 Watch My Chops 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Busted: Crashed the Tour Genius.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl's feelings for Izzy become public in a humilitating display. Looks like she didn’t dig the nude bicycle and fire juggling, then.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather.

19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops Featuring Will Young and Supergrass, whose new single is one of the most pisspoor singles I’ve heard in months.

20.00 EastEnders 20.30 My Family 21.00 The Lenny Henry Show 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Morrissey, who appears to be promoting his ass even more than Jodie Marsh at the moment.

23.30 BBC Three on BBC One: Liquid Assets: J-Lo's Millions Liquidised and injected into her stinking oversized latino ass.

01.05 FILM: Where's the Money, Noreen? “Well obviously J-Lo has it in her ass” - Noreen. ** 02.35 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 UBOS 06.45 Dennis the Menace 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Short Change 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Boo! 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Magic Key 10.45 Watch 11.00 The Chat Room 11.20 Landmarks 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 2004: An Olympic Odyssey 14.20 Wildlife on Two 14.55 Eggheads 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.20 My Wife and Kids 18.45 Scrum V Live: Llanelli Scarlets v Ulster 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 London: The Crowd 22.20 What the Romans Did for Us: Cities 22.30 Newsnight Kirsty Wark 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland With Rufus Wainwright. Rufus! This man is a shirtlifting god amongst men.

00.35 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.05 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Classical and Romantic Music - Putting on the Style That Debussy was a bit of a smoothy, eh girls?02.30 Giotto: The Arena Chapel 03.20 Ever Wondered? 03.30 The Unusual Suspects 04.00 Independent Living 04.30 South Korea: The Struggle for Democracy 05.00 Containing the Pacific 05.30 Animated English: The Creature Comforts Story

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Tractor Tom 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Tutenstein 16.05 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale The knives are out in the kitchen as Marlon and Carlos clash.

Since when did Emmerdale have a Mafia kitchen with people called Carlos in it?

19.30 Coronation Street Karl's plea threatens to blow Todd's world apart. Blow his pants down, and knob off, more like.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Midsomer Murders 22.30 ITV News 23.00 On the Edge 23.35 Crimefighters UK 00.05 Weapons of Mass Distraction 00.35 Blank Screen 00.40 Win, Lose or Draw Late 01.05 Blank Screen 01.10 Undeclared 01.35 Blank Screen 01.40 Entertainment Now! 02.10 Blank Screen 02.15 FILM: Grumpier Old Men *** Starring TV John and TV Andy, two very grumpy old men who are happily are still complaining that TV Desk lost out in the media awards to Interviews. Interviews!

Whose big star this week is some random who wrote a Metallica biography. Gah! 03.50 CD:UK Hotshots 04.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion: Life Stuff: More than Love 09.55 gcsEASE: The Business 10.20 Life Stuff: World of Difference 10.45 Sir Gawain and the Green Knight 11.10 English Programme 11.35 Life Stuff: Working Week 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 12.35 Twm 12.45 Pot Mel 13.15 Channel 4 Racing from Newbury 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Nia Tonight 21.30 Fairy Godfathers 22.30 Friends 23.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Derren demonstrates what can be done with a nine-inch nail.

23.30 Naked World Documentary about “artist” Spencer Tunick who goes around the world doing things with nude people; it doesn’t specify what. Whatever. A question for perverts: if unnecessary nudity is in the name of art, does that make it worse, or better than pornography? Or is the appeal of pornography that it doesn’t have any sort of justification other than that it has meaty juice in it? 01.00 Distraction 01.00 Dirty Sanchez 02.00 Experimental 02.30 The Bronx Bunny Show 02.55 King of the Hill Better than The Simpsons, better than Family Guy. You’d better believe it, yo. This week Hank goes to a nude barbecue. I sense a theme with today’s listings. Not pretty.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: The Birdmen ** 15.40 FILM: Angry Silence *** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Political Broadcast by the Scottish National Party 18.00 Home and Away Nick and Paris are almost involved in a car accident. TV Andy raises an eyebow inquisitively at a potential Paris Hilton reference.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.30 five news 20.00 Home Values Extreme? Animal Attacks Poorly punctuated shock-tactic animal baloney.

21.00 FILM: Extreme Measures ** 23.15 Pub Ammo Christian O'Connell Can a man have more than one penis? Yes, Darren Day. Although he covers one up with his face-wide grin.

23.45 Party Election Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 23.50 FILM: Murder Most Likely. ** 01.30 The Shield 02.15 The Love Boat 03.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.10 FILM: The Princess and the Goblin The Britney Spears and Fred Durst love story. 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 EastEnders Revealed 20.00 Eurovision On Location 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Waiting for the Whistle: Dead Casual 21.30 Waiting for the Whistle: The King and Us “Written by Johnny Vaughan” it says here.

Despair rages through the corridors of my sanity. Aaaagh, listen to this. These films are all gripping dramas set against the backdrop of famous football matches. Given this is a Chelsea game, they must be stretching the word “famous” to it’s very limit. Haha! Chelsea lost against Monaco, I just remembered.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Strictly Come Dancing On Three 23.30 Grease Monkeys 00.00 Sex Warts and All USA 00.30 Eurovision On Location 01.00 The Practice 01.45 Strictly Come Dancing On Three 02.40 Outrageous Fortunes 03.40 Eurovision On Location Poor excuse for Lorraine Kelly to go to Turkey to baste herself.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 The World of Van Helsing Doesn’t this look good.

20.30 American Idol 21.20 American Idol 22.15 Movies Now 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun Dawn prepares to leave, but doesn't know what to do with a suitcase full of bikinis.

How about you stick them up your fucking ass you stinking loose tart. Not that I’m tarring you with the Club Reps brush or anything...

00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.25 Teleshopping 03.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha Late

07.00 Transformers: Armada The dated cartoon heroes singe the King of Spain’s bears. Back in reality, Dep Ed Alex just played Mandy Moore covering XTC’s Senses Working Overtime fantastic. 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Terminal Error ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Futurama 19.30 Futurama 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: My Stepmother Is an Alien Shoddy eighties Dan Ackroyd stinker. * 23.05 Las Vegas 00.05 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Celebrity Snatch 01.25 Cops 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 04.45 Vampire High 05.10 The Nanny I fell into a winter slide... and ended up the kind of kid who goes down chutes too narrow.

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Celebrity Wife Swap More proof that Big Chief TV Listings wasn’t with it when they wrote their guide earlier, by referring to “millionaire cheat Major James Ingram”. I mean, REALLY. 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.00 The Secret Life of Us Apparently Tad Reeves from Neighbours is going to play a hairdresser in this. No evidence so far, and allegedly it’s been dropped (“but how can you drop something with Tad in it!” you cry). 01.00 Hollyoaks 01.30 Without a Trace 02.20 Celebrity Wife Swap 03.15 The Fit Farm Basically I’m neglecting music tips this week, because all I’ve been listening to is Chutes Too Narrow by The Shins.

Summery, jolly, happy, genius.

06.00 Animated Tales of the World 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 More Than Love 09.55 The Business: Contracts and Commitments. 10.20 World of Difference 11.10 Film Focus 11.35 Working Week: Business Woman 12.30 Beat the Nation 13.00 The Great Pretenders 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.00 Friends 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Monster Garage 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 22.30 Distraction 23.05 Bo Selecta! Prick!

23.40 Experimental Promising Banzai-meets-BBC2 Schools débâcle.

00.10 The Bronx Bunny Show 00.40 Kill Bill Vol 2: The Bride is Back 01.10 Do Over 01.35 King of the Hill 02.00 The PJs 02.25 KOTV 02.55 Football: South American Championship 04.40 British Motorsport 05.05 Countdown 05.50 Party Animals 05.55 Animated Tales

Saturday

May 10-16 2004

Page 27

subtle@femfresh.co.uk

David Dickinson

Blank Screen ITV1 3.50am

The Package ITV1 12.40pm

Strictly Come Dancing Fight Club BBC1 6.15pm

BBC2 9.15pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Big Screen Britain 13.15 Cagney and Lacey 14.00 Cagney and Lacey 14.45 Talking Movies 15.10 FILM: The Red Shoes My gran’s in this. See, good breeding. I don’t think she uses the word ‘flange’ as much as me, but she did say ‘cunt’ to me at the holidays. This was before I stole her mobility scooter. It has a horn, for god’s sake! **** 17.20 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em Mine has three.

17.50 Flog It! Flagellation at this hour? Filthy.

18.50 Gardeners' World 19.30 War at Sea: Six Weeks that Saved the Navy 20.20 Private Life of a Masterpiece BBC2 examines how difficult it is to be me.

21.15 FILM: Fight Club Brilliant and witty film that takes being the Dice Man one step further. I always wanted to be Marla (not just because I’d get to shag Brad Pitt), but realised that I’m not a human butt-wipe. Based on clever clever Chuck Palahniuk's novel. You might guess the ‘twist’, but the dialogue and acting’s great.

Directed by David Fincher. **** 23.30 Have I Got News for You No idea who the guest presenter is. Des Lynam was awesome the other week though (and I hate football).

00.00 Dead Ringers 00.30 FILM: Chicago Cab *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The True Geometry of Nature 02.30 Open Advice: Exam Success 03.00 Volcanoes and the Atmosphere 03.30 Healing the Whole 04.00 The Dangers of Powerful Neighbours 04.30 The Next Big Thing

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 13.40 Quincy, ME 14.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.25 Love on a Saturday Night Shitters mate with other shitters. Gold earringed children may ensue.

18.25 Stars in Their Eyes Kids: Live Final 2004 The Norah Jones is scary, and I think there was a Michael Jackson on this too... Oh, yes.

20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Olympic Special Olympians Roger Black and Matthew Pinsent, Paula Radcliffe and Jonathan Edwards, and Sharron Davies and Colin Jackson try to raise money for charity.

Because it’d just be greedy to keep it... That’s based on the assumption they’ll get past £1000 though.

21.15 Stars in Their Eyes Kids: Live Final 2004 21.30 It Shouldn't Happen to a TV Vet No, but it serves you right for sticking your arm up a cow’s arse ‘for the cameras’.

22.30 ITV News 22.45 The Premiership 00.15 Shane 00.40 FILM: The Package Political thriller. Gah. Where’s the porn? *** 02.30 Blank Screen 02.35 Weapons of Mass Distraction 03.00 Blank Screen 03.05 CD:UK 03.50 Blank Screen 03.55 Blank Screen 04.00 Entertainment Now! 04.25 Cybernet 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Days of Thunder Racing 07.25 GT on 4 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 The Cricket Show 10.20 Exposed 10.30 Salvage Squad 11.30 Scrapheap Challenge USA 12.30 Zero to Hero 13.30 Channel 4 Racing from Newbury and Nottingham 15.30 London: The Greatest City 17.30 SuperHuman People enter me into the Annual GangBang, and I win (after 5637 clients) without even a moan from my minge. That’s superhuman.

19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Dudley Chef Dudley Newbery visits Anglesey, where he finds out about Britain's most expensive cheese - Caws Gorau Glas. Not knob cheese then.

20.15 Da 'Di Dil 'De I wish I knew what this is about.

I’ve deleted the listing.

Bah. 20.45 Tipyn O Stad Kev feels guilty after what happened on his stag night, although he cannot remember the exact details! Nice use of the exclamation mark there.

21.15 Y Palmant Aur 22.15 FILM: The Abyss When a nuclear submarine crashes on the edge of a deep ocean trench following contact with an unidentified object, a team of oil riggers are seconded to aid a group of Navy SEALs on a rescue mission. But there is something else down there. A giant blancmange, perhaps? Directed

by James Cameron. Eek! **** 00.50 FILM: Maximum Overdrive Stupid and scary... * 02.40 Football: South American Championship 04.25 British Motorsport 04.50 KOTV

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Shake! 11.00 FILM: Tintin: The Calculus Affair *** 12.20 Xcalibur 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Stepping Up 14.30 The Chart 15.00 FILM: The Legend of Walks Far Woman ** 17.15 FILM: Muppet Treasure Island *** 19.00 19.00 Charmed 19.45 19.45 five news and sport 20.05 Martial Law For a blank minute, I thought that said ‘marital law’, and thought it meant conjugal visits. Nice.

21.00 CSI: Miami The team investigate when a former surfing star is shot, his wife bound and their son beaten during a break-in. Gutted that he didn’t get there first, I’ll bet.

21.55 Law and Order The murder of a young stockbroker points to organised crime after his assassin is himself shot dead. Unless he was just bloody unlucky with the trigger.

22.55 FILM: Blind Date Starring Cilla Black, her flange and a flashing heart covering her groin. Tasty. You’d have to blind really, wouldn’t you? ** 00.45 FILM: Farewell, My Love ** 02.20 Short Story Cinema 02.50 FILM: The Skateboard Kid 2 Children's adventure sequel about a 12-year-old boy whose dreams of taking to the skies are answered by a magic skateboard. That’ll be why it’s on at ten to three then. Are the bastards trying to piss off parents? Mind you, it serves them right for wanting to be parents. ** 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 Garbage Re:covered Garbage perform Shut Your Mouth and The Rolling Stones' Wild Horses. This has been on at least twice before - I’ve seen the listing often enough.

19.15 Strictly Come Dancing On BBC Three Bollocks celebrity event, trying to take the leash of reality TV by making celebs dance. Great!

20.00 Outrageous Fortunes: De Beers 21.00 Kingdom Hospital A patient at Kingdom Hospital awakens from a coma with the ability to communicate with the spirits there. Boring. When will we see his cock is all I want to know.

22.20 Spine Chillers Tim and Grish take their lives as goths very seriously. But when they meet super-goth Balfus, they get more than they bargained for.

Black lipstick on their cinnamon rings?

22.50 EastEnders Greatest Hits 23.10 Eurovision... A Little Bit More 00.10 Strictly Come Dancing On BBC Three 00.55 Outrageous Fortunes

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

14.30 Entertainment Today 15.20 CD:UK 16.20 Ash in Profile 16.50 Movies Now 17.00 Entertainment Today 17.50 Movies Now 18.00 Airline 18.30 Airline 19.00 Journeys from Hell 20.00 Trouble in Paradise 21.00 Movies Now Featuring Brad Pitt in the epic adventure Troy. Brad in a toga! Brad in a toga! I’ll tell you if he’s hung like a hamster. I’ve seen more cocks than an abattoir worker, so I should know.

21.15 FILM: Thelma and Louise **** 23.45 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun Scallies writhe about, catch STIs, get sand up their cracks and vom onto the local beauty spot. Then, they lube themselves up with aftersun and the fun begins...

00.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

02.00 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Tarzan 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons Bart is caught stealing a video game.

20.30 The Simpsons Homer is shamed into entering the world of adult education.

21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos .

22.00 Aggro Featuring TV John, who is slowly reaching boiling point after waiting three hours to type something - anything. I feel his pain. 23.00 Britain's Wildest Comedian 00.00 Britain's Biggest Celebrity Mingers 01.00 Angel

14.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 14.20 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 The One Before They Were Friends Was a life of happiness and lack of emphasis on ‘so’. 17.30 Friends 18.00 Friends Monica invites her old schoolfriend Will to Thanksgiving dinner. However, Monica is unaware that he isn't fond of Rachel. Oh, the tension.

18.30 Friends Ross is keen to rent the apartment facing Monica and Rachel's, so he can catch sight of their flaps via the camera he’s located in their toilet.

19.00 Friends Ross is hoping for some moral support as he prepares to make a speech at the museum, but the others are taking far too long getting ready for the event, licking sunflower oil out of each other’s rectums.

19.30 Friends 20.00 Friends 20.30 The One After They Were Friends 21.00 Father Ted 21.30 Father Ted 22.00 Ali G in Da USAiii 23.00 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival 00.05 The Importance of Being

As S4C, except: 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 10.20 T4: Newlyweds 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: The OC 12.55 T4: As If 15.30 FILM: Waterloo Epic historical drama recreating Napoleon's final defeat at the hands of the Duke of Wellington and his army in Belgium. Just what you want on a Saturday afternoon. *** 18.00 30 Minutes Is normally a short session for me. 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 Vinland: Viking Map or Million Dollar Hoax? 20.00 Hannibal: The Man Who Hated Rome 21.30 100 Greatest Movie Stars Cher!

Danny DeVito! Jennifer Lopez!

Maybe. 01.10 FILM: The Crucible **** 03.15 Off Centre I know my boobs aren’t properly aligned, but it’s not my fault.

03.40 Jack and Jill 04.25 The Chris Isaak Show “Guaranteed hilarity” - TV John/Fuck. I, however, will probably be passed out by now. 05.15 Countdown With Dictionary Corner guest Barry Norman. Great! I confounded my housemates when I got the conundrum. Illiterates.

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Metalheads 07.15 Super Duper Sumos 07.35 Arthur 08.05 Fairly Odd Parents 08.30 The Saturday Show 10.00 The Mysti Show 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Triathlon World Championships 13.50 Rugby League: St Helens v Wigan Warriors 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.05 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.25 Weakest Link: Eurovision Special Hopefully including Dana International, Jemini (remember that ‘j’) and maybe Gina G - who got her name from wearing Gstrings. Hmm, original. TV Desk are praying for appearnces from the Austrian who dressed up as a cow, and the Slovenians who wore air hostess costumes. Yes, Busted, you are out of date.

18.15 Strictly Come Dancing If I owned a lapdancing club, I’d call it ‘Come Dancing’.

19.15 The National Lottery 20.00 Eurovision Song Contest I used to hate Terry Wogan, till I saw him on Jonathan Ross. He was amazing! Who’d have thought that the old codger would eye up the British beauties, and comment that they’re ‘big girls’? Ah Terry, you are spoiling us. This is essential viewing, of course. Oh yes. You may want to crack open the vodka for James Fox’s abysmal entry, however.

23.10 BBC News 23.30 Still Cher 00.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 01.30 A Question of Sport

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 28

May 10-16 2004

mykidiscalledargyle@garyandrews.net

THE TAF DRINK AS U THINK Quiz Free Entry.

Free drinks for winners of each round. Random mystery prizes.

Crate of beer to quiz winner.

Prizes for 2nd and 3rd place

SUPERGRASS GREAT HALL £17.50ADV. 7PM After the successes of four platinum selling albums, 'I Should Coco' 1995, 'In It For The Money', ‘Supergrass’, and last years ‘Life On Other Planets’ the mighty ‘Grass return to ‘do the hits’. Promoting new greatest hits album.‘Supergras s are Ten’ the band will play singles from throughout ttheir career, including the now rarely-played Britpop anthem ‘Alright’. ‘Moving’ and many more.

Don’t miss it.

Antiques Road Show BBC1 6.45pm

Bridezillas ITV1 2.10pm

Little Angels BBC3 10.30pm

Prince Harry: Laid Bare Sky One 9pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Call My Bluff 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 FILM: The Boatniks ** 14.35 EastEnders 16.30 Beckham Back in Time In which the Real Madrid ace meets a strange doctor and travels back to the stone age, with Christopher Lloyd. 17.00 Points of View 17.15 Songs of Praise 17.50 My Family 18.20 BBC News; Weather 18.45 Antiques Roadshow Michael Aspel talks houses. In the meantime thousands turn over to catch the end of The Simpsons.

19.30 Only Fools and Horses Del Boy gets involved in some hilarious get rich scheme much to the annoyance of Raquel.

Probably.

20.20 The Hound of the Baskervilles Baker Street’s finest meets his match in a tussle with a large dog. Keith Lard stars.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama A team of experts attempt to scare the population with tests to see if Britain could cope with a terrorist attack.

23.15 FILM: In Dreams *** Where the worryingly attractive Bening dreams that bad bad things will happen and they do.

Which begs the question, why are the bad things I do to Elisha Cuthbert in my dreams not becoming reality?

00.55 FILM: Buried Secrets With Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Tim Matheson. Directed by Michael Toshiyuki Uno. 02.25 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford 07.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.20 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Escape 12.10 FightBox 12.40 Sunday Grandstand 12.45 MotoGP Live: Le Mans 14.00 World Superbikes 15.20 Paralympic Swimming 15.25 Rugby Special 16.55 Sport + 17.25 Scrum 18.10 The Victoria Cross Should really be nice here as the programme concentrates on war heroes awarded the Cross.

However, it is presented

by Jeremy Clarkson.

Aargh, resist.

19.10 The Boat TV series based on Das Boot by LotharGuenther Buchhei.

Boosted by its lack of Clarkson.

20.00 Top Gear “Here’s Jeremy!” The brillo-haired one is back wittering on about his TLR and/or his own private gimp fantasies.

21.00 Football Diaries Diary of the Tractor-boys as they try and win back promotion to the Plowing Premiership sponsored by Massey Ferguson.

22.00 Kingdom Hospital Monkfish, Argyll, Leeds United.

22.40 15 Storeys High First of two episodes about two “very different men” yada yada. I don’t even know myself.

23.10 15 Storeys High .

Homoerotic subtext optional.

23.40 FILM: Jefferson in Paris With Nick Nolte and Greta Scacchi. Directed by James Ivory.

02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learning Get Reading, Get Writing 03.00 IT for Work 04.00 IT

06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Premiership 10.30 The Ark 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Waterfront 12.30 Soccer Sunday 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.00 Speed Sunday 17.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries Steve Irwin and pals go to Vanuatu to stick their fingers up the ass of a crocodile.

“That’ll really piss him off.”

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up.

18.15 Coast to Coast A man called Mike Parker trawls across Wales looking at “dramatic” geology. So it says here.

18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale The Sugden family attempt reconciliation by going on Jerry Springer, it only partially says here.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat Vernon encounters trouble in the woods. Insert your own innuendo, the TV monkey is tired.

21.00 The Brief Legals shenanigans as a murder appeal gets complicated. Polly leaves her husband apparently, which seems a shame. Still reading?

No? Oh. 22.30 ITV News With Big Trev.

22.45 The South Bank Show Melv tackles Othello. Free kick Shakespeare. 23.45 Ray Davies - The World from My Window Kinks frontman turns voyeur for ITV. 00.45 Inside Saddam's Iraq 01.45 Building the Dream 02.10 Bridezillas 02.35 Trisha 03.25 Today with Des and Mel 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Football: South American Championship 07.50 Days of Thunder Racing 08.20 Vee-TV 08.50 Smash Hits Chart 09.20 The Great Pretenders 09.30 As If 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Y Clwb 14.00 Maniffesto 14.30 The OC 15.20 Icons 15.35 Relocation, Relocation 16.35 04 Wal 17.05 Hip Neu Sgip? Kids do ‘changing rooms’ unbeknownst to their parents/victims. There’s a premise I can see potential in.

Kids eh? Aren’t they funny? No? Oh. Ho-hum.

17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws An omnibus of the week's events in Cwmderi.

19.30 Portreadau: Eirug Wyn Portrait of the Welsh langage campaigner who died recently. Well, it beats Corrie.

20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol Is it a) a programme about the restoration of a church, or b) camel racing live from Tenby? Tune in and find out.

20.30 Crwydro Poets. Castles.

Discussion. Channel.

Change.

21.00 Emyn Roc a Rol Drama series following 1980s rock band Y Disgyblion (The Disciples). Guest starring Stereophonics as their washed up rival band. Funny that.

21.45 Newyddion 21.55 Carthage 23.55 30 Minutes 00.25 Children of Abraham 01.25 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival Fresh hits from MC Charlie. His special guests include Jay-Z and Dizzee Rascal.

02.55 FILM: Let Him Have It

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 07.00 Barney 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 09.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Make It Big 11.00 Morris 2274 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Mutiny on the Bounty 17.00 five news and sport 17.25 The World of Peter Rabbit and Friends Beatrix Potter's charming tales brought to life by top animators. Don’t expect Pigling Bland meets Family Guy. 18.00 FILM: The Rocketeer With Bill Campbell and Alan Arkin. (1991) Adventure featuring Nazis and superheroes. Not Indiana Jones. Directed

by Joe Johnston.

20.00 The Man Who Paints the Future Mad bloke predicts future. Not Nostradamus 21.00 FILM: Hudson Hawk With Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello. (Action, 1991) Cultish Willis action fare.

Not Die Hard. Directed by Michael Lehmann.

23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 The Great Women's Run Celebs and athletes run through Manchester for charity. Scallies emerge in Prada.

00.55 Major League Baseball Baltimore at Anaheim Angels.

04.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix Brumph.

19.00 Who Rules the Roost Couples spend time at home.

This is a real television programme.

20.00 Strictly Come Dancing Omnibus Omnibus? Drain.

License-fee. Pissing.

21.00 Sex and the Settee Sarah Jessica Parker takes on a chair in a compromising situation. That was meant to sound dirty. Does it? No? Shit. As is this programme. Probably.

22.00 Coupling It’s a little worrying that this is the most appealing thing on BBC3 all day.

Although Sally Phillips is hot.

22.30 Little Angels Parenting tips. Maybe along the lines of “Don’t watch BBC3, it’s shit.”

22.40 Kingdom Hospital Haunted hospital drama, spinechilling apparently.

23.20 Trauma on Three 23.50 Love for Sale This is more like it. Documentary about two American brothels (!). Set the video. Or not. 00.20 Who Rules the Roost 01.20 Strictly Come Dancing Omnibus 02.15 Sex and the Settee 03.15 Trauma on Three Anyone see a pattern emerging?

09.25 Planet's Funniest Animals ITV’s less classy sibling kicks the day off as it means to go on.

09.40 American Idol 10.40 American Idol 11.40 Love on a Saturday Night 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Emmerdale Secrets Find out about Andy Sugden’s gang rape habits. 19.00 UEFA Stories 19.30 UEFA Stories 20.00 American Idol The third of four, yes four episodes of Simon Cowell’s prime time cash cow. Television, recently described by Morissey as “worse than terrorism”. Can’t leave you with a more glowing tribute than that can we?

20.55 American Idol 21.45 Posh and Becks: For Better, for Worse? All we have to do to find the answer to this conundrum is jump in Dave’s time machine and find out for ourselves.

22.45 Coronation Street 23.15 Emmerdale Secrets 00.15 Jerry Springer 01.05 Entertainment Can’t get more vague than that. Ah well.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Flaunt Fab 5 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Prince Harry: Laid Bare 22.00 Bras Unpadded An incisive Sky One look at the coloured history of the Wonderbra. Features breasts.

23.00 Mile High 00.00 Shock Video 00.30 P.I. 01.00 P.I. 01.25 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.15 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 03.05 Cops

14.00 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.25 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.25 Justin Timberlake in Memphis 16.30 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 17.00 Friends Ross ’hilariously’ overreacts to something with comedy effect. Or so I’m told.

17.30 Faking It American version of the Channel 4 hit. A welder ‘fakes’ being a male model. Bit gay. Probably.

18.30 Smallville 19.25 The OC 20.30 Friends Again.

21.00 Friends And again. More incestuous comedy. This week Monica and Ross rekindle old passions. That is so not true.

Estelle dies in order to pave Joey’s path to Hollywood. Yawn.

21.30 ER Pratt gets accussed of sexual harassment. While we’re on the subject, I would like to report the abuse of next year’s TV monkey by incumbent TV staff. TV monkey now cries himself to sleep.

22.30 Infamous Fives Series 23.00 What Sadie Did Next 23.30 The OC 00.25 Smallville 00.55 The Secret Life Of

06.00 The Trap Door 08.20 Vee-TV Deaf magazine show.

Sorry. DEAF MAGAZINE SHOW. 09.20 T4: Popworld 10.15 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.45 T4: Newlyweds 13.15 T4: Prince’s Trust Urban Music Festival 14.55 T4: US Best Friends Six episodes voted the best by US audience.

18.00 Friends Channel 4. One trick pony? Make it end, please.

18.30 The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News I 20.00 Vincent: The Full Story Insight into the life of Van Gogh.

For a more enjoyable experience of this programme, one may wish to cut off your ears. And eyes for that matter.

21.00 100 Greatest Movie Stars 00.05 FILM: Five Easy Pieces With Jack Nicholson and Karen Black. (Drama, 1970) Directed

by Bob Rafelson.

01.45 The Importance of Being Morrissey 02.45 Football: South American 04.30 30 Minutes 05.00 Countdown 05.45 Party Animals

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

“

”

We tried, but we’ve ended up with nothing.

Matt Kay, Men’s football, May 2004

Men’s hockey record cup win

page 31

!""#$%&&'()*+, *%#%(#-",./

Back Page

Canoe polo’s Doncaster Shindig. Page 31

Richard Day wins AU President’s Award. Below.

0"&1)2-34/)#"5%-2() 6-/73/-(.3,

By Thom Airs Deputy Sports Editor THE MEN’S GOLF team are through to next year’s Premiership competition without even striking a ball on the day of their crucial play-off.

Drawn against a strong Portsmouth University side, the Cardiff team knew that they would have to be on top form to progress to BUSA’s elite league.

However, Portsmouth mysteriously pulled out of the game, handing the Welsh side a walkover result.

The team from the south coast may have gifted Cardiff the game, but it seems that their generous mood did not extend to BUSA. Under official practice, the Hampshire-based university is liable to a fine but they submitted a falsified match card, indicating that the match did indeed go ahead.

Portsmouth gave the result as 3.5/2.5 in Cardiff ’s favour instead of the 6/0 whitewash supposed to be stamped on all forfeited matches.

Whether BUSA will take action against Portsmouth University is yet to be seen, but the important thing for Cardiff ’s golfers is that they will be in the Premiership next season. The team will look to build on this year’s success with the inception of a second team and a new venue for home matches.

Men’s golf at the university appears to be heading in the right direction and, with the luck that has seen them progress to the Premiership, Cardiff could have some golfing silverware in the trophy cabinet next season.

President’s Day

By John Stanton Deputy Sports Editor

AWARD WINNER: Nick Day ROWING CLUB president Richard Day was the proud recipient of the AU President’s Award at the

Issue 762 10 May 2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

recent AU Ball, rewarding his efforts during a year of change and development for all involved with the club.

The award came as a major surprise to the third year civil engineering student: "It was a massive shock - I was actually at the bar when it happened. I never thought I’d get it so I went to get a round and I was walking back with my hands full of snakebite when I heard my name being called up to the podium. I was absolutely stunned."

Such recognition seems deserved for a man whose passion for his sport and its role within the university is clear. It seems Day has made the transition from club secretary to president with great skill and enthusiasm: "One of the things that frustrated me about the secretary role was that I had influence but I didn’t have the ultimate influence. In the end all the decisions I wanted to make had to go through

someone else so I thought if I was going to be able to make any difference, I’d have to go for president."

Day’s recognition has come at the end of three years of involvement with rowing and the Athletic Union in Cardiff. The sense of authority and leadership he displays will stand him in good stead when he embarks on a career in the army in January: "In my view you can’t be a president of a club and be thinking about your presidency all the time. You have to think about how it’s going to affect the club in future years.

"A lot of the decisions I’ve made will have many benefits in future years. They might have been unpopular this year but they will have beneficial effects in the future.

"I was quite strict this year about spending money. I don’t like spending lots and didn’t want to empty the account at the beginning of the year

because rowing is a notoriously expensive sport. I put my foot down about a few wiring kits for boats because they’re quite expensive so I don’t think that was massively popular."

While the future military man has relished the responsibility with which he has been entrusted, the role has had its challenges: "I’ve absolutely loved being part of the club and have enjoyed university rowing a massive amount. I don’t know if it’s the same with other athletic club presidents but the enjoyment factor has started to dwindle a little bit because you seem to spend all your time looking after other people rather than looking after your own interests.”

With his time at Cardiff drawing to a close, Day is still hopeful of maintaining some kind of coaching role with the club before he climbs ashore one final time and pursues his military career.

Fantastic fencing are champions

By Rhian Chapman Fencing Correspondent

EN GARDE: Fencing poke their way to glory

THE FIRST WELSH Universities Fencing Championship, held at Aberystwyth and including fencers from Bangor and Lampeter, was a tremendous success for Cardiff who claimed the championship shield and four individual medals in the process.

The Cardiff men began well, with all eight entrants seeded in the top half of the rankings after the early rounds and seven team members making it through to the second round of the direct elimination competition.

Chris Powell beat teammate Tom Marsh 15:11 to reach the quarter-finals but lost closely to Aberystwyth’s Danny Sharpe in a characteristically entertaining fight. Cardiff’s Marijn Kampf unfortu-

nately lost narrowly in the quarter-finals.

In the women’s competition, Louise Webster beat Aberystwyth’s top woman Jenny Smith in an exhausting full-time fight, thus meeting fellow Cardiff entrant Rhian Chapman in a nail-biting final. Although Chapman had cruised to the final undefeated, it was Webster who claimed victory by two points, gaining Cardiff’s first gold medal of the competition.

Powell reached the semi-finals of the epée competition before losing narrowly to Oli Barker, leaving Powell stranded outside the medal positions in fourth.

In the women’s epée competition, Webster stormed to a 15:10 victory over Jenny Smith, securing her second gold medal.

Webster’s performances were the highlight of the event for Cardiff and, when the eventual results were compiled, helped to ensure that Cardiff were crowned champions.

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Sport

May 10 2004

Page 31

grsport@cf.ac.uk

You sunk my battleship

By Martyn Cooper and Katrina James CARDIFF’S A TEAM were thrilled to be finishing in second place after a fast and furious weekend in Doncaster.

As is typical of Canoe Club events,

departure and arrival were completely hectic, while the pitching of tents was somewhat impaired by alcohol consumption. Nevertheless, it was to be the start of an awesome weekend for all three teams.

Cardiff A won two of their three pool matches, only losing to Durham,

while our newly established ladies’ team were drawn in a very difficult pool. They subsequently put up good opposition to ULU and Birmingham’s prestigious ladies’ teams, losing their first but drawing their second game.

Cardiff B won all of their pool matches, with goalkeeper Stu Wright

only conceding one goal in three games.

Both the A and B teams progressed through the playoffs with the ladies’ team easily winning all of their lower playoff matches.

The next day held the all important finals, resulting in the B team finishing in fourth place and the A team getting through to the final playoff.

The tension rose as Cardiff supporters gathered to cheer on the A team in their final battle against the dreaded, mighty Nottingham, last year’s title holders.

Unfortunately, regardless of Cardiff’s extensive support from most other universities, the play was just in Nottingham’s favour and despite Cardiff’s best efforts they soon found themselves behind.

Everyone expected a second point for Nottingham as they broke for goal, when amazingly Owen Davies appeared from nowhere with a huge over-arm swipe with his paddles to clear the opponent’s shot, earning a standing ovation from the crowd.

The weekend was fantastic, with the Ladies team playing incredibly well and coming joint 13th with last years winners, and the ‘B’s coming fourth, just out of the medals but much higher up than anyone had expected.

The ‘A’s game ended 4-2, but no one could complain. They had played fantastic polo and the match had been a great spectacle - a fantastic end to an amazing weekend.

Dunn and dusted for hockey men

Bournemouth bowled over CARDIFF’S SECOND XI needed a victory over Bournemouth to avoid a relegation battle.

A moist pitch persuaded captain Andy Diggles to bat, believing the pitch would be dead early on, and liven up when Cardiff were to bowl.

He opened alongside James Gray, but both departed early on to a mediocre medium pace attack, leaving Steve Paul to act as the stalwart for the innings.

He was briefly accompanied by an inadequate middle order and tail who failed to make any sort of lasting impression, and was left marooned on 42 not out.

The innings included seven lbw decisions, some more questionable than others, seeing Cardiff plummet to 159 all out in fewer than 46 overs.

Cardiff needed a tight and productive opening spell from swing bowlers Chris Hopper and Mark Jenner.

Jenner took three wickets early on, pinning the Bournemouth middle order on to the back foot with some exquisite swing bowling.

He was joined in the attack by medium pacer James Woodroof who grabbed an early wicket and had a chance dropped at slip.

Leg-spinner James Gray bowled eight solid overs, conceding only 10 runs and claiming three victims, two of whom were caught and bowled.

Neil Mantell and James Collins polished off the tail between them, leaving Bournemouth 67 runs short of their target, finishing 92 all out from 31.2 overs.

It was a well-disciplined fielding performance from Cardiff, showing great enthusiasm in keeping Bournemouth under wraps.

The side now face some important fixtures if they are to avoid the BUSA relegation dogfight.

By Mark Dunn FOR THE THIRD TIME in four years, Cardiff University’s men’s hockey first XI has won the Welsh Universities cup.

Playing against Bangor, who had already put out Cardiff ’s second and third teams, the firsts fancied their chances.

The first 10 minutes were evenly contested but Bangor began to look dangerous on the break and after 15 minutes took the lead with a lucky break.

A shot that looped over goalkeeper Alex Venables left the helpless custodian with no chance.

However, this spurred on the Cardiff team and they soon drew level. Duncan Courtney found Paul Hayes who finished comfortably after some neat approach play.

Cardiff then took the initiative and were soon in the lead. A sweeping move from their own half ended with Richard Montague being played in by Chris Rhodes.

Montague fired into the bottom corner to leave Cardiff leading 2-1 at the interval.

After the break, Bangor were hungry for the equaliser and secured it through a well-taken chance 10 minutes into the second period.

For the majority of the half,

Left: Cardiff’s Mark Dunn in action and below, the victorious team

Bangor were the side under pressure.

Rob Sparrow was able to drive the ball at pace, especially down the right flank but any chances created were not taken.

With five minutes left Cardiff won a free hit on the edge of the

Bangor D. A neat pass was slid into Gareth Owen who, arriving from the back, deflected the ball past the keeper to secure the win and bring the cup back to its rightful home in the Welsh capital.

gair rhydd

SWORD SUCCESS

CHAMPIONS

Fencers slice up the competition at Welsh Championships

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PHOTO: RIATH AL-SAMARRAI

Shoot out agony for Cardiff

By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor Glamorgan Uni 2 Cardiff Uni 2 AET (Glamorgan won 4-3 on penalties) CARDIFF’S PROMISING SEASON ground to a disappointing halt with a penalty shoot-out defeat in the Welsh Cup final against Glamorgan.

Ian Platt and Brian McGovern saw their tame efforts saved in the game’s thrilling finale to compound the season’s agony for a Cardiff side still stinging from their final day despair against Hartpury in the league.

"We tried hard but that’s the way it goes.

At one point it looked like we may do the double but we’ve ended up with nothing,"

reflected devastated Cardiff captain Matt Kay. "We’ve worked hard but have been unlucky to lose."

Throughout the tie Cardiff enjoyed large doses of luck and when goalkeeper Rich Warrick made a stunning penalty save deep into extra time it looked possible that the trophy may just be on its way to the capital.

However, Cardiff’s attractive football and good fortune was unable to break down Glamorgan’s firm back-line, as time and time again their injury ravaged attack drew a blank and their makeshift strike pairing couldn’t get a look in.

Prior to the fixture top scorer Si Green pulled up with damaged knee ligaments and after pre-match injury doubts, Mike Rabjohns failed to make it through the first half as hamstring trouble wrecked his last game in a Cardiff shirt.

Irishman McGovern replaced the injured Rabjohns but struggled to make an impact in a bad tempered first half characterised by bad refereeing rather than clear opportunities.

At the other end Glamorgan’s Tom Billing was on outstanding form, twice narrowly missing the target in the opening quarter, yet his threat was constrained by the superb performances of James Parkinson and Ross Herrick.

But porous defending on a corner shortly after the restart allowed Billing to rise unmarked and plant his second-half header past Warrick to open the scoring.

After this wake-up call Cardiff settled into their pace.

Captain Matt Kay linked well with the impressive Tohen Ravenscroft before playing in Matt Lucus on the left to blast in a superb equaliser. Lucas then went a step further

towards hero status five minutes later.

Lucas’s fantastic 25 yard free kick flew like a heat-seeking missile into the top right hand corner, sending the Treforest crowd into bedlam.

Sadly for Cardiff this bedlam was still present in their defence when Glamorgan scored directly from a corner six minutes later to restore parity to the fixture and ensure a tense finish.

Both sides wasted golden opportunities in extra time, with Warrick’s penalty save temporarily refuelling Cardiff’s dwindling hopes as heavy conditions and tired legs took their toll.

But the heartbreak was reserved solely for visiting fans in the shoot out after Platt’s kick was well saved and the luck of the Irish deserted McGovern, leaving the Cardiff side empty handed for their season’s efforts.

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