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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
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ISSUE 777. November 29 2004
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By Matt Wilkin Reporter
A VICIOUS attack at Talybont Social Centre has left a student needing a dozen stitches to the back of his head after being slashed with a broken bottle. He had joined 250 Talybont residents and their guests for a Diwali Festival party held at the Centre on 12 November, but was caught up in an incident at the end of the night. Tracey Austin, Deputy Director of the Residences and Catering Division, told gair rhydd: “At 12am, the event came to
an end as agreed, and students were being asked to leave. “Some time after 12am, an incident occurred in which food was thrown over a student by an unknown individual, and a scuffle ensued, which resulted in a student being cut by a glass,” “Two members of staff reacted quickly and attempted to diffuse the situation, and another member of staff telephoned security immediately at 12.25am. “The incident only lasted a few minutes.” Police and an ambulance were called – by which time the assailants had left. Ms Austin added: “Unfortunately, at
this stage we have not been able to identify the assailants but the police are investigating the event.” Responding to gair rhydd’s enquiries, bar staff at Talybont Social Centre commented that “nothing happened”. But a Talybont student had a different story to tell, saying: “There must have been between five and ten people involved in a brawl to start with, but it soon escalated and there was fighting everywhere. “Even at 2am, there were still people hanging around, and the situation was as intense then as it had been at midnight.”
Rees on fees PINT GLASS: weapon
Rees and Rees go head to head on the top-up issue By Dave Doyle News Editor
WITH ONLY a few days left until the NUS National march against top-up fees, leading figures in the debate have sparked controversy with their opinions. Professor Teresa Rees, Chair of the Rees Review, has increased tensions by challenging the NUS to find alternatives to fund Higher Education. The Rees Review REES: Teresa
is an independent investigation to research if variable fees should be introduced in Wales. The review was commissioned by Education and Lifelong Learning Minister Jane Davidson and will play a major role in the National Welsh Assembly’s final decision. Talking to gair rhydd Professor Rees said: “I understand the NUS don’t want fees. What I’ve tried to say is ‘I hear what you’re saying but we need an alternative.’” Cardiff University Students’ Union President Gary Rees has hit back at these views saying: “I will give her alternative plain and simple, look at the budgets. This is about making education a priority.” He went on to say: “Take a look at expenses for
members of parliament. That’s enough to fund a number of students through university.” However, Professor Rees is concerned that if students do not fund the deficit then others will be forced to pay. She said: “I understand that society benefits from Higher Education and should make a healthy contribution,” “However the individual benefits financially from their degree and we could find the poorer person subsidising future wealth earners.” Gary feels the issue is not
Continued on 2 REES: Gary
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PIMP MY RIDE
At
a glance Brothel owner told to November 29 2004
News Carrie Opinion Politics Taf-Od Health Jobs and Money Media Letters Demo Lead Competitions Five Minute Fun Television Problem Page Listings Sport
1 7 8 10 11 12 14 16 17 19 23 21 24 25 34 37
sell BMW to pay fine
By Nick Waldron Reporter THE OWNER of an “executive sauna” massage parlour, which came complete with a sex dungeon, on Whitchurch road narrowly escaped a custodial sentence after pleading guilty to two counts of living off the earnings of prostitution.
choosing a variety of services costing between £35 - £150. Presiding Judge Jonathan Durham Hall said Lynch “had regard for the safety, health and hygiene of his staff and clients” before adding there was “nothing naïve second rate or sordid” about his business. Amongst some of the measures that Lynch introduced were
EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Katherine Mallam, Rachel Browne, Jane Eyre, Ailsa Chalk, Carly Sharples CONTRIBUTORS
Matt Wilkin, Nick Waldron, Catriona Moss, John Tuscany, Jayne McGill, Dave Berry, Nadia Sam-Daliri, Bethany Whiteside, Charlotte Styles, Gavin Meaney, James Emtage, Andy Llewellyn, Bren Coopey, Mark Turner, Jules Thorpe-Smith, Andrew Rennison, Daniel Stanton, Ifan Morgan-Jones, Charlotte Handley, Sarah Clark, Oliver Cowan, Laura Murphy, Heather Casey,Gary Rees, Robin Imeson, Adem Muzzaffer, Adam Gasson, Ffion Atwell, Yel Bonderssla, Alex Cinus, Sarah Bellingham, Pat Gorman, Chris Allen, Rhian Chapman, Olivia Waters, Charlotte Harries, Amy Davies, Frances Williams
ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union
Franklin Lynch, 50, received a four month sentence suspended for twelve months, and was told to sell his BMW to pay the fine of five thousand pounds after being sentenced at Cardiff Crown Court. Police had raided his business, under suspicion that prostitution was occurring on the premises, to discover a dungeon room, containing “fluffy pink handcuffs and stocks” – items which were later taken as evidence Customers paid a ten pound entrance fee before being seated in a reception area where they could pick the ‘employee’ they wanted before
24 hour surveillance, a door entry system and provided his employees with clean towels and condoms. Although Judge Durham Hall also said prostitution resulted in the “humiliation, exploitation and intimidation often of poor and oppressed women” he noted that Lynch was not party to coercion or corruption. Kevin Seal, defending, said while documents discovered during the raid by police and immigration officers showed that the establishment had an annual income of £120,000, the overheads were very high, including a weekly laundry bill of £600.
The Sauna received a percentage of the money that the prostitutes earned, which was given to the secretary, Michelle Dasic. Due to this lack of solvent funds and the large fine imposed as part of the sentence, Judge Durham Hall suggested Lynch could sell his BMW to pay it off. Immigration officers involved in the raid found the four prostitutes on duty during the raid were foreign, although Judge Durham Hall commented that they worked for Mr Lynch of their own accord rather than as sex slaves. Mr Lynch, a personal trainer, claimed after his purchase of the business in 2003 he intended to turn it into a health and leisure centre. Seal said of Lynch that he: “Never appreciated the capital required to convert it. “He was effectively lured into carrying on the business that was there.” Lynch’s receptionist, 27-year-old mother of one Michelle Dasic, was also brought before the court on a single charge of controlling prostitutes. She pleaded guilty and received a £2000 fine and a two year community rehabilitation order. Martin Lewis, defending for Dasic, claimed his client believed that the business was legal due to fact she paid both Income Tax, National Insurance and received her wages through her bank account. The future of the Executive Sauna following the police raid and Lynch’s conviction remains unclear.
Top-up talk Story continued from Page 1 the money comes from but how it is used. "Having a good infrastructure for a number of people to be educated will essentially help the development of society and assist in the battle against many of its problems, top-up fees leave several groups severely disadvantaged," he said. Professor Rees hopes the review will grant equal access to all students but is aware that there are some groups, particularly the lower middle class and nursing and midwifery students, that could suffer under variable fees. The Sociology lecturer believes that these problems can be overcome. She said: "The key is with the threshold for paying back. We think students should not have to pay until they reach a graduate premium of £20 – 25,000. The government may intend to set this lower but we don’t want it to act as a deterrent." Gary remains totally against topup fees. He said: "Top-up fees are not the answer, they give universities too much corporate power." Despite the opinion of the NUS, Professor Rees says the review’s decision will not be affected by the demonstration. "In a march you get just one message, we know that message. The march isn’t very useful to us," she said. Gary is still urging students to attend the march though. In response to claims that lecturers have pressured students not to attend he said: "I understand the lecturers’ view point but I’d hope they’d understand our view point as we understood theirs and supported them over their dispute on pay," "What I’d suggest to students is that they manage their work loads so that they can participate in the demonstration over the most important issue students in Wales have ever faced."
Welsh language debut in EU By Catriona Moss Reporter PLAID CYMRU’S campaign for Welsh to be recognised as an official language in the European Union made significant progress last week, following pressure from leading campaigner MEP Jill Evans. Ms Evans became the first person to legally speak Welsh in a parliamentary debate following the adoption of the new rules last month. These rules had previously banned the speaking of non-official languages in the EU. MEPs are now permitted to speak in a non-official EU language although their comments are not translated to other EU members.
Translators are only used for member states and Wales is currently a European region. Labour MPs Glenys Kinnock and Eluned Morgan are believed to have been the only MEPs able to understand the speech. Ms Evans said ‘Action was needed to improve communication between the EU and the peoples of Europe.’ The MEP asserted “What better way is there than to communicate with people than in their own languages.” Addressing the Staatsburg parliamentary debate in last weeks EU summit, Ms Evans announced that she would conclude her speech in Welsh. ‘I appreciate the opportunity to be allowed to speak Welsh in this
chamber, legally for the first time, even if there are no translators.’ The recognition of Welsh as an official language in the EU has re opened the debate in regards to other non-official languages. Irish, Galician, Catalan and Basque are now all being considered as official languages. Maltese has been acknowledged as an official language but is spoken by fewer people than Welsh. Ms Evans was unable to comment, but David Bradley, press officer for Plaid Cymru, told the Gair Rhydd that Ms Evans speech “triggered a positive response from other EU members. “Once Jill had spoken, the Irish party leader and a member of the Catalan party both asked if they could
continue their speeches in their own languages.” Plaid Cymru highlighted the importance of the change to the Welsh speaking population. The party believes that if Welsh were adopted as a formal language, Welsh speakers could write to European institutions and expect a reply in their language. Welsh cannot be recognised as a formal language until it is a member state. As Mr Bradley commented: “The National assembly does not have enough power within the EU. “A proper parliament is needed to represent the interests of Wales, and the people must want a nation state before Wales has equal status within the European Union.”
News
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UN-BALL-IEVABLE
SAY CHEESE: The Blims supported by the Funky Arse Disco Dancers By John Tuscany Reporter LAS VEGAS fever has been gripping Cardiff as the countdown to the Christmas Ball gets closer. Held in the CIA, the glittering event features live music, dancing showgirls and casino entertainments.
The ball looks to be one of the biggest and most ambitious that the Students’ Union has run to date. Speaking on the ball, Events Coordinator Vanessa Thomas said: “The event this year is open to everyone and no longer just for sports clubs. “The evening promises to be fun packed with Elvis, Las Vegas Ladies
and our headline act The Blims, Cardiff Students' Union up and coming band. So come along and end the year by going to the event of the year.” One of the highlights of the evening promises to be the mock Las Vegas Casino games spread around the venue.
From 8pm students can play slot machines, roulette wheels, black jack or poker with a £28 limit of stakes. Other entertainment includes local band the Blims, who are also performing at the National Demo aftershow party on Thursday. There will be also be pre-ball drink party in Solus before the event with
free transport to take students to the CIA from 7pm. Union Secretary James Green said this was one event students couldn’t afford to miss. He told gair rhydd: “The Ball promises to meet and beat every student’s expectations of a Christmas Ball.”
Cardiff students go ‘Viva Las Vegas’ as ball approaches
Gone for a song By Matt Wilkin Reporter WELSH CULTURE took a major step forward last week, when the Wales Millennium Centre finally opened its doors to the public. The £106 million Cardiff Bay complex, houses theatres and concert auditoria, as well as rehersal, exhibition, retail and catering spaces. There was no famous face to cut the ribbon – instead, the task lay with a Barry housewife whose birthday
coincided with the opening and successfully won a competition organised by the WMC. The programme for the new season includes performances from the Welsh National Opera, who have taken up residence at the WMC after being based at the New Theatre, and music students from the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama. In the new year, spectators can expect visits from touring productions such as Sleeping Beauty On Ice and Miss Saigon.
NOW OPEN: Millenium Centre
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Google searches for students By Jayne McGill Reporter Google has recently launched a search engine aimed specifically at academics and scholars. The new application will allow any internet user to access what The Guardian has called “a treasure trove” of scholarly writing. The system, who’s motto is “Stand on the shoulders of giants”, is being run initially in test form, can be seen
books, technical reports, university websites and even the traditional academic publications. Not only does this search engine benefit students and professionals, Google Scholar offers the general public better access to the same wealth of information. Google has already transformed the way in which the web is used and now the company
at www.scholar.google.com. The new service, like the traditional Google search engine, will be completely free of charge From this anyone can access information that spans the academic disciplines from medicine and physics to economics and computer science. Simply type in a key word and Google Scholar will search theses,
BIG PRAISE FOR THE BIG COUNTRY By Dave Berry Reporter WALES HAS been praised for punching above its weight as global opinion of the country has increased strongly. The Western Mail recently conducted a survey on the opinions held by the rest of the world about Wales showing very positive results. On the global stage, the reputation of England and Scotland has traditionally overshadowed that of Wales. There has, however, been a
substantial change in this way of thinking. MP for Cardiff Central, Jon Owen Jones, stated there has and will be developments to further enhance Wales’ reputation. As an example he used the Millennium Arts Centre recently opened which incorporates cultural diversity and has received much media attention. When considering Wales’ future he stated that Wales has a hard task of “projecting our cultural differences in a positive way and not a divisive way”, which is an effort not to isolate Wales from the UK.
But on the issue of universal recognition he stated, “Wales has a long way to go before it gets the same degree of recognition as that of Scotland and Ireland, maybe because it was the first of England’s colonies.” He also said that the continuance of the Welsh language was unfortunately seen as a dividing factor and not a positive one. The Welsh language has played a significant role in such strong Welsh pride. The continuance of maintaining a bilingual society is an extremely hard task, especially when trying to keep up with one of the most common
languages used. Such an achievement is evidence of strong national pride running through Welsh blood. There are further developments needed to be made when thinking of Europe and representing such national pride. The merger of Cardiff University and the University of Wales, College of Medicine has also had extremely positive consequences. This move will make Cardiff University one of the largest and most powerful Universities in the UK, which would increase Welsh stature among academics worldwide.
MISS WALES LEAPS INTO FINALS By Nadia Sam-Daliri Reporter Miss Wales has launched herself into the finals of the prestigious Miss World final. Welsh Beauty contestant, Amy Guy, got through to the Miss World finals based on her sporting abilities. Amy, 22, qualified for the final after setting a new Miss World record in long jump, during the sports challenges. Amy is the only UK entrant to obtain a place in the final so far, which takes place in China next month. She has inpressively made it to a shortlist of just 15 girls out of 1 0 8
crucial part in judging this year, with Miss World records b e i n g broken in swimming, by Australia, as well as in the long jump by Amy. Miss World is a huge international affair, and is aired in 162 countries and draws in audiences of more than 2.3 billion people. The winner will be be the girl with the most phonein votes from around the world. Amy said of her plans for the competition: ‘I am a very determined person and want this one badly’.
Miss World
AMY: The Welsh Wonderwoman storms to victory
entrants. Amy comes from a small village near Wrexham called Ruabon, and says that: ‘I am so pleased to have won for the sake of everyone back home’. A Miss World spokeswoman said: ‘Amy has done incredibly well. She beat off fierce competition from the other girls.’ Sporting ability has played a
Founded in 1951 to encourage visitors to the Festival of Britain The Miss World ’04 will be viewed in 162 countries by over 2.3 billion people. 108 entrants 15 finalists
aims to change the academic world too. The system has met with criticism. Duane Webster, the head of the Association of Research Libraries. He stated: “As their experiment moves forward, there will be a range of important questions that will need to be addressed. “We encourage the company to find ways to report on their experiences and to engage these questions”.
y e h t t k: a Wh thin all Bruno Biais, Universite de Toulouse: “When I think of Wales, I think of a Gaelic country, a beautiful country by the sea, and with some small mountains... a place I’d like to visit, and last but not least, the setting of the prisoner TV series.” Dr Carl Amrhein Provost, University of Alberta: “As a geographer, places fascinate me.I associate Wales with beautiful scenery, a complex but fascinating language, rugged landscape and remarkable ocean tidal patterns.” Rick Asher, University of Minnesota: “ If only Wales could use streams to the same effect as Scotland, that is, for the production of fine single malt whiskies, it could compete for recognition and a clear identity.” Oren, 45, Embassy Employee: “Wales has lots of mountains and friendly people. It reminds me of the Galilee near where I grew up.” Dr Christian Mair, AlbertLudwigsUniversity, Freiburg: “I have heard of English friends rave about the beautiful countryside, though I myself have only ever made it to Cardiff (which I liked well enough though). Richard Burton was a Welshman wasn’t he?”
World News
November 29 2004
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CHINA CALLS THE SHOTS
By Charlotte Styles Reporter
By Bethany Whiteside Reporter CHINA IS next on the Western high-tech giants hit-list as a nation with growing economic aspirations and potential. Analysts have predicted that the country’s technological advancement is less than ten years behind the USA and will one day, in the not-too-distant future, exceed its techno superiority. China’s economic challenge to Western might was heralded by the debatable decision to break up collective farming in the 1980s. With the re-birth of private enterprise and her admission to the World Trade Organisation, China attracted record amounts of foreign investment and benefited from increased access to foreign markets. Chinese society, particularly the middle classes, have been enjoying greater wealth since the 1990s, creating a market too tempting for Western businesses to ignore. A spokesperson for Britain’s Kingfisher company stated: “The middle class is said to outnumber the entire population of the United States.” In addition, the Chinese government does not subject the consumer goods sector to the same level of restriction and scrutiny which are employed when dealing in the fields of telecommunications and steel.
CHINA: INFO
■ Population: 1.3 billion ■ Capital: Beijing ■ Religions: Buddhism, Christianity, Islam and Taoism
■ Main exports: Manufactured goods inc. textiles, garments, electronics and arms
World News Round-up
SHANGHAI: the march of the high-rise can’t be stopped. The country’s industry enjoys the China has already had a significant impact on the American economy. Dr existence of something called comparNick Lardy of the Brookings Institution ative advantage. Over 50 million people each year in Washington DC and a specialist on China’s economy, has stated that the are migrating from rural areas to the country has “probably already con- towns in search of work making it nectributed, at the margin, to deflation of essary for the relevant Chinese authorsome consumer goods” in the US. In ities to create urban jobs and match this this case facts really do speak for them- influx of people. This liberalisation of the economic selves as China is now the biggest exporter to the US having knocked situation within China has been termed ‘Market Leninism’, as the demise of Japan into second place. China’s share of global product out- state-run industries is hastened. China’s winning formula is the put is in excess of 50 percent for cameras and over 30 percent for air condi- welding of an inexpensive middle class tioners. Her population is 1.3 billion and together with vast numbers of her economy is surging at a rate of 9 unskilled workers. Wages, in the case of the latter, average slightly more that percent a year.
40 cents an hour. Labour in China is more than six times cheaper than in Mexico. Tesco is one of the latest major Western retailers to have capitalised on Chinese economic potential as a deal worth £140 million has been signed with Ting Hsin, a hypermarket based in the Shanghai region. Chief executive Sir Terry Leahy approves the move: “China is one of the largest economies in the world with tremendous forecast growth,” he said. It seems that a new age of economics has dawned, heralding a demand for a new economic superpower.
■ GNI per capita: US $1,100
URBAN AND RURAL CHINA: 50 million people are migrating from rural farming areas to cities like Shanghai and Beijing every year.
UK FOREIGN MINISTER Jack Straw laid a wreath at the burial place of former Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat last week. Mr Straw met with the new Palestinian leaders in the occupied West Bank, including Mahmoud Abbas, who is favoured to win the Palestinian election. Amid growing signs that Tony Blair will visit the region next month, Mr Straw stated that help with the peace process was now top of the British foreign policy agenda, above Iraq. Following talks with Israel, Mr Straw praised them for their “very positive” attitude towards the forthcoming elections for the leader of the Palestinian Authority, which are set to take place on January 9. Mr Straw suggested that both sides could be on the verge of the best “opportunity for decades” to resolve the conflict. Two undercover police officers in Mexico City were attacked and their bodies burned after a mob mistook them for kidnappers last Tuesday. The killings were in conjunction with rumours that children had been kidnapped from a school in the City. When residents saw three men taking photos outside the school, they decided to take action. The men were actually working on a covert drugs operation at the time, officials said. The incident is the latest backlash of vigilante justice by Mexicans, who are frustrated by high crime rates and corruption within the police. President George Bush has ordered a historic expansion of the CIA. His plan includes the agency increasing the number of spies and analysts by half. If implemented, the CIA would be its biggest size since creation after WWII. Defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been eager for the expansion since the 2001 Afghan war. The re-form signifies the White House’s recommendations of the September 11 commission, which investigated the failure of US intelligence to anticipate or avert the attack.
AID-ing the issue
By Gavin Meaney Reporter
CARDIFF STUDENTS will be marking World AIDS day with action stalls and benefit gigs. Taking place on Wednesday December 1 the aims are to raise funds and awareness of one of the most fatal diseases that humans face. One person dies every ten seconds from this incurable illness. The theme in 2004 is ‘Women and AIDS’. There are around 50,000 sufferers in the UK. The estimated global figure is approximately 40 million. Prominent issues around the pandemic prejudice towards sufferers and a lack of sexual health education.
Sexual health education has become a consistent part of UK government health strategies in recent years. Health Secretary John Reid unveiled a new Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) campaign as part of his health White Paper last week. Even in the UK people are still embarrassed to go and get tested because of the stigma attached to STIs. Reducing this stigma is key to controlling the pandemic. Standing alongside HIV/AIDS as a medical epidemic is the political battle to ensure that life-prolonging drugs can get to those most in need. Medical science has created such drugs, yet many die as they cannot afford them. Politically, this is a well-worn cry.
Trade rules and patents place an embargo on cheap generic drugs in some trade areas. It is even the case that some aid is given on the proviso that it is spent only on expensive brand name drugs. This type of commercial invovement in the distrubution of aid and effective drugs is often criticised for increasing the severity of the illness for those people affected. To quote the former UN special envoy on AIDS to Africa, Stephen Lewis, "I want someone to explain to me why it isn’t called murder." More than ten societies are coming together to support local events.
College President of Medicine, Biology, Health and Life Sciences Jenny Longbottom was keen to emphasise the importance of HIV/AIDS as a serious health issue. She said: “Ignorance of the issues doesn’t help. I would encourage students to get informed, and to support the day by wearing a red ribbon” For more information, go to: www.avert.org www.stopaidscampaign.org.uk.
AIDS DAY: 01/12/04
Carrie
November 29 2004
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grcolumnist@cf.ac.uk
Carrie
FARWELL
GIVES AS GOOD AS SHE GETS
An end to moderation? President Bush makes US intentions clear as he reshuffles his cabinet for his second term in office...
T
he resignation of Colin Powell as US Secretary of State this month has marked a defining moment for the future of US foreign policy. The so-called "resignation fever" that is currently sweeping the Bush cabinet is expected to dramatically alter trans-atlantic relations over the next four years. The selection of Condoleezza Rice, the President’s current National Security Advisor, as the new State Secretary is the most significant of the changes and has generated a mixed response from the world’s press. Whilst some perceive the nominated appointment of Rice as an opportunity for renewed diplomacy and a chance to repair the severed bonds left by the Iraq war, others take a more cautious view of Powell’s expected replacement. Colin Powell has long been regarded as the dissenting voice of
“Rice would make life considerably easier for President Bush” moderation in the Bush cabinet. Popular with world leaders and consistently rated highly in personality and integrity polls, Powell is a hard act to follow for even the most capable of Bush’s advisors. Seen as a moderate in the cabinet, Powell has been able to remain a respected figure in the international arena, despite the controversy of the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan. However, his willingness to challenge the administration’s radical, right-wing tenet meant that Powell exists as a figure of questionable authority within the cabinet. His reputation of temperance distinguishes Powell and often means that he clashes with the hard-line instincts of Bush’s closest advisors. Collisions with Pentagon chief Donald Rumsfeld and Vice-President Dick Cheney have been widely reported and have reduced the secretary’s clout around the cabinet table. Regardless of these internal discrepancies, Powell is still an asset to the White House and a trusted ally of many a world leader. His resignation will have implications for global leaders including Tony Blair, who
will lose his closest collaborator in the White House. After the Secretary of State joined forces with Blair in 2002 to persuade Bush to conduct the case of Saddam Hussein through the United Nations, their alliance has been one of resilience and considerable value. But as attentions now become focused on the projected incoming secretary of state, the stability and reason endorsed by Mr Powell is now under threat.
long-term and moderate approach to world affairs, the US state department under Rice would therefore signal a new direction for the balance of power in US diplomacy.
Future relations
So does the expected appointment of Rice bring with it the triumph of unilateralism? Her main rival, John Danforth, US Ambassador to the United Nations, would have equalled a continuation of Powell’s equable approach to politics. Seen as a politiThe new secretary cal moderate, Danforth is an experiAs one of Bush’s closest allies, enced and diplomatic figure in the Condoleezza Rice is widely seen to administration. But his reputation of be the obvious choice to replace the integrity and morality, although incumbent State Secretary. Ms Rice appealing to other world leaders, was already features as a crucial compo- clearly not what George Bush was nent of President Bush’s innermost looking for in a Secretary of State. circle and is considered to be of the Thus, his "natural" choice in Rice same mind as the President in respect denotes his intentions for foreign to policy and orthodoxy. She is relations over the next four years. regarded as a creator and main pro- Choosing the abrasive and stern ponent of the so called "Bush doc- demeanour of Rice over the tempertrine," advocating pre-emptive action ate approach of Danforth says a lot for Bush’s diplomacy doctrine. against foreign and terror threats. So the vigilant eyes of the world’s When the Bush administration came to power in 2001, Rice exerted press remain firmly fixed on her influence early on by leading Condoleezza Rice as the Bush govnegotiations with Russia over missile ernment enters its second term. defence, and she then went on to con- International relations are likely to centre on the firm her Middle East over strength in the next four the wake of years, and so we the attacks of watch and wait to September see Rice take on 11. the crucial role of One of the negotiating over most acathe insurmountdemic memable problems of bers of the the Israelistate departPalestinian conment and a flict. The failings key supporter of the two-state of war in solution estabAfghanistan lished in the and Iraq, Middle East Rice shares "road-map" illusBush’s policy trate just how of aggression arduous a task in foreign Rice has to conrelations. As front. a hard-edged Whilst her r e a l i s t , neo-conservative Condoleezza instincts remain Rice advomore than cates the RICE: A natural choice for Bush but favourable with implementa- not for others the President, it is tion of US power around the globe. The success- Rice’s hard-line air of arrogance that ful appointment of Rice would there- will be the factor that determines her fore make life considerably easier for reception on the international stage. President Bush. Having a Secretary Rice may indeed bring more power of State who firmly toes the party with her to the administration’s cabiline will mean that the state depart- net table, but it is her exertion of this ment would fall securely under the power upon the international comcontrol of the White House. munity that will be the crucial test for Traditionally thought to adopt a more diplomacy over the next four years.
Looking beyond intervention...
F
or decades, conflict in Africa has provoked concern over the failures of the international community. Accusations that intervention is either inadequate or non-existent are now integral to our criticisms of the foreign policy offered by world leaders. But, as the current situation in Sudan clearly demonstrates, international intervention is not something that we should always advocate as a definite resolution. Of course the idea of global co-operation and involvement should not be devalued. The collective power of a world community does, after all, bear a vast and constructive potential to alleviate poverty and put an end to conflict. But it is the presumptions made by those who are all too willing to accuse governments of inaction that need to be reassessed and adequately informed. It is all very well to say that the global elite has once again turned its back on Africa, but such criticisms are, in many cases, born of ignorance. Take the present situation occurring in Sudan as an example. The conflict between the Muslim north and the Christian and animist south is often considered as a matter for the United Nations to debate rather than to act upon. But the fact is that the UN has made significant progress on the NorthSouth peace agreements. The government in Khartoum, Sudan’s capital, and the southern Sudan People’s Liberation Movement (SPLM) have recently pledged to finalise a peace deal by the end of the year, attempting to put an end to two-decades of civil war. This success has, however, been overlooked by those who cite sustained tensions in other areas of Sudan as evidence of the UN’s fundamental failures in the country. Pro-government Arab militias in Sudan’s western region of Darfur are accused of ethnic cleansing and genocide against the black African population of the area. Critics accuse the world of standing by and allowing this mass slaughtering to continue, but the fact is that the reconciliation process in Sudan is too complicated and fragile to solve with just one answer. Peace in Darfur cannot happen without peace between Khartoum and the SPLM and this cannot be achieved purely through UN or African Union intervention. A change must come from within Sudan in order for any achievements to be beneficial in the long term. The US and UK have spent millions on improving the refugee camps in Darfur, but the Sudanese government continue to operate on a policy of bureaucratic corruption, blocking aid agencies and denying access to refugee camps. This is where we can see the limits of Western intervention. I’m not saying that we should adopt a laissez-faire attitude like that advocated by China, who recently refused to back a sanctions resolution against the regime in Sudan. Clearly the Sudanese government shouldn’t be left to its own devices, but a consensus between the international community, Sudanese rebels and Khartoum is the crucial element absent in the peace process. The answer is not simply to pile Western troops into the area to suppress any further uprisings. Action such as this has the dangerous potential to cripple Sudan completely and prevent any further peace from ever emerging from the country. Lessons learned in Iraq clearly demonstrate how military force is not the only answer to forging reconciliation. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan (above) says that the peace deal in the south will pave the way for an end to the conflict in Darfur. So whilst we wait until the December 31 deadline when the North-South peace agreements are decided, we should acknowledge the progress made by the UN through agencies such as UNICEF and welcome their diplomatic approach to Sudan. We condemned George Bush for sending troops into Iraq and therefore we should appreciate the UN’s decision not to jump at the chance to do the same. Military intervention is not always the answer, but multilateral cooperation is the way forward. This will facilitate peace in the south, and in turn enable Sudan to switch its resources to Darfur. Condemning the UN will not improve the security situation in the longer term; this can only be achieved through maintaining communication with Khartoum. It is therefore an issue of collective reasonability. A mutual willingness to co-operate is crucial to Sudan, and intervention, although fundamental, exists only as a component of the struggle for peace.
Editorial & Opinion
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gropinion@cf.ac.uk
gair rhydd
FREE WORDS Funding the Future THE COMMENTS of the two Reeses, Teresa and Gary, make for interesting reading. But, regardless of their differing views, there is a fundamental point that emerges from the debate - that Higher Education is a mess financially and there is no obvious solution. Looking at the topic from a business point of view, the argument for top-up fees makes a certain amount of sense. The universities, as the businesses, are facing a funding shortfall but also have an in-demand commodity in degrees - charging more to obtain this product is good business sense. But degrees are not commodities and students should not be treated as consumers. Despite the denials of assorted university officials and government ministers, if top-up fees were implemented there is a real danger that the elite institutions could turn into places that only the rich or exceptionally gifted are able to attend. Education is not a privilege, it is a right and student finance is a finite resource. Eventually the fees will simply become too high and students will stop applying, making a mockery of the government’s much-trumpeted announcement to get fifty per cent of all school leavers into university (itself a target only designed to make Labour look good). So at this point it is clear that alternatives are needed - which is exactly part of the message that Teresa Rees has been pushing. At the same time, to funding of HE infrastructure is not such a mess that to abruptly call an end to all tuition fees would leave the education system in an even bigger mess. Getting rid of all forms of fees is an ideal to aim for, aside from the fact they should never have been introduced in the first place. Top-up fees are completely wrong and shouldn’t be introduced, not in Wales, not in England and not anywhere in the UK. Once that battle is won, it will be time for everybody to turn to the trickier question of how to fund universities without charging fees.
Day of reckoning OVER THE last few weeks gair rhydd has continually pushed this Thursday’s Demo almost to the point of overkill. But we make no bones about throwing our weight behind it or for giving as much coverage as we have. This is a real chance to Cardiff students to make a difference so anybody who cares in the slightest should make the short journey. Nothing further remains to be said on the topic other than get marching.
James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Jasmine: the anti-festive Christmas-lover
J
asmine is sitting on the sofa with a look of sheer disgust on her face. She’s just seen the Coco-Cola Christmas advert for the first time this season – and it’s still only November. Absolutely livid, she screams at her housemate about how she’s "sick to fucking death about the whole fucking aspect of Christmas having this commercial fucking slant forced upon it." ‘Hasn’t it always been like that?’ her housemate thinks to herself. It enrages Jasmine to think that she can’t even walk the length of the
high street without being offered cheap wrapping paper from a man in a flashing Santa hat, or having a woman with snowflake earrings trying to sell her a novelty reindeer. "It just gets earlier and earlier every year," she whinges to her boyfriend as she sits looking at the cover of the Argos Xmas Catalogue, refusing to open it out of principle. She turns the radio off every time Band Aid 20 comes on ("Not just yet, thank you very much,") and even went as far as leaving Debenhams in disgust as she heard ‘Oh, I wish it could be Christmas, every da-a-ay’
blasting out at her as she tried to select some new underwear. In truth, however, Jasmine is wetting her little holly-themed pants in excitement about the festive season. She’s been dying to flick through the catalogues since mid October, and got all her cards ready to write and post last week. She was the first in the queue at the late-night shopping evening this Wednesday, and was secretly brimming with excitement when the Xmas lights got turned on - but of course would never show it … "Waste of bloody electricity if you ask me."
She won’t be saying that after she’s turned on her own Hypervalue fairylight extravaganza next week. With her presents already bought, and nearly all wrapped, she’s looking forward to when she can officially start baking mince pies, organising the house ‘Secret Santa’ presentgiving – and of course for December 1 when she’ll be able to open door number 1 on her home-made advent calendar. Deck the halls with boughs of holly, she hums to herself. Too right. Holly and cards and tinsel and mistletoe and candles and…
By Andy Llewellyn
insistence that if you’re not drunk, you’re not having a good time. Getting drunk in Britain is a national past-time. We probably have as many words or phrases for getting off our face as the Eskimos do for snow. No night out is complete if you’re not rolling around in the gutter or getting intimate with the toilet bowl. It’s difficult to say exactly at what point we decided that consuming vast quantities of alcohol over a short period of time was beneficial to our general well-being, but from an early age, we’re conditioned that the only way we can fit in socially is to drink, drink and drink. Those of us who don’t join in, yet still enjoy a pint, are viewed as being
stranger than those who just simply don’t drink. The message – if you’re not out getting smashed with your mates from the age of 16, there’s clearly something socially wrong with you. This drinking age is getting younger thanks to the incredibly cynical marketing ploys of the drinks industry who employ the Jesuit tactic of getting them young and keeping them for life by producing more palatable alcoholic drinks for the young end of the teen market (and, let’s face it, few of us actually enjoyed our first taste of dad’s Guinness). With each new alcohol advert the boundaries are pushed even further and the government just lets them. Any notion that the industry is able to
regulate itself is complete nonsense; the companies have a vested interest in making us drink as much as possible, so it’s not in their interest to make us drink sensibly. If you’re at least still in control of some of your sense you know when to stop. Ultimately the Europeans are able to have a mature grown up attitude to alcohol consumption – probably because they’re not trained to drink themselves into a stupor regularly from birth. That’s not saying they don’t get drunk, or even that drunken nights out aren’t fun. Perhaps if we didn’t have a drinking culture forced down our throats from an early age, we wouldn’t be inclined to force the drink down our throats at a later one.
Hits’ album with a just one or two new tracks, but which a true fan simply has to have. Is it any wonder that more and more people are copying CDs off friends and relatives instead of spending money on an album that contains 10 songs they already own plus two new bonus tracks? Yet my argument doesn’t end there, since it isn’t just well-respected musical artists and bands that release these so-called ‘Greatest Hits’ albums. We also have artists who do not deserve the title releasing them too. A prime example whose face I have recently seen vandalised on a local billboard is Shania Twain. Her hits all came off one album - nobody has heard of her other songs. Who is she
kidding? Not only is the music not great, but it certainly doesn’t justify a whole album for a few big songs from several years ago and a bunch of mediocre rubbish nobody bought the first time around. Ok, I’m about done. I just want to say, that if a band has split up, for whatever reason, and then releases a ‘Greatest Hits’ album that can justify the word Great and can fully fill an album with hits, good on them - they deserve it. So buy Queen and The Beatles and leave the rest to rot in Room 101.
Beer: drink it, don’t sink it A
sk any average student and they’ll probably tell you that wandering through the City Centre in the early hours of the morning at weekends is not a good idea, but then if you ask any Cardiff resident, they’ll probably say the same for Cathays on a weekday. The reason behind their thinking – drink. Or, more specifically, drunk people. This isn’t another article extolling the virtues of sobriety or a call for us all to pour our half-finished bottles of whiskey down the sink. I’ve got no objection if people want to drink. What I do object to, however, is the
Bren Coopey’s
ROOM 101
S
o many things belong in Room 101, from the mundane to the important. I could easily bleat on about overpriced items such as Kinder Eggs, I could moan about the film industry and their treatment of fans by releasing Super Director’s Special Extended version of every movie possible or I could be obvious and have a good bitch about that idiot President Bush. But I’ve chosen music as my topic of choice to throw into Room 101. Not music in general, since the British music industry is at its greatest for years at the moment. No, I’m talking about CDs. Not CDs in general, since you can pick up most new albums for under a tenner or just download
instead. I’m on about those damn ‘Greatest Hits’ albums. My first complaint is bands like REM and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, who have both recently released ‘Greatest Hits’ albums. Now, I am not saying the songs are not great because they may well be, depending on your particular tastes. But are these bands splitting up? No. Are they never ever going to write another great song? Probably not. So why release a ‘Greatest Hits’ album? It’s all about the producers and the music industry and money. They want to bleed us dry of every penny we have just for loving music. It’s even more annoying when a band you love releases a ‘Greatest
gropinion@cf.ac.uk
November 29 2004
Editorial & Opinion
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gropinion@cf.ac.uk
Through the smoke screen Hunting and smoking: Mark Turner considers two of the most contentious forums of debate raging in the media
U
nless you've been living under a rock (that isn't in the countryside) for a while, you can't have failed to hear about the recent controversy surrounding proposed bans to foxhunting (with dogs) and smoking (in public places), both of which have been in the news this week. The parentheses are important, because, perhaps, some of the opposition to such bans stems from a tendency for people to assume things that aren't true. That you are still allowed to hunt foxes with, for example, a chainsaw, is sort of beside the point, although some claim that using dogs to hunt foxes is the kindest. It can't be disputed that they are a pest and that their numbers need to be controlled. Or that a fox that is shot or caught in a trap will die in a slower and more painful way than being torn apart by dogs and furthermore hunting with dogs benefits the health of the fox community by removing the elderly and infirm (who are unable to run away).
“great fun for
rich people to watch animals suffer”
I admit that I'm fairly uneducated on the issue but it seems to me that a shotgun would make somewhat shorter work of a fox than a dog would, and that the dogs don't make the distinction between sick and healthy foxes. The idea that the sick are slower and are thus as ailing wildebeest to a lion seems a little uninformed, as foxes are not particularly renowned for hanging
around in herds. In fact, if my infant years of watching The Animals of Farthing Wood taught me anything, they spend most of their time in the counsel of an owl, a badger and a mole, the latter two of which you'd think would be slightly more easily caught by the indiscriminate hounds (with the obvious exception of the owl, I suppose). The other issue is the loss of jobs in the countryside. It is my opinion that a concentration of jobs in the cities, particularly London, is not a good thing, and that more jobs need to be created elsewhere. However, I find it difficult to believe that many people are employed to support the hunt. There will still be a demand for horse-handling and bugle-making without foxhunting. Let's face it though, those red blazers are so 2003.
The argument that it is a sport is not one I'm willing to consider. I'm sure it's great fun for rich people to watch animals suffer (seeing as they aren't really allowed to torment other people), but frankly I have no sympathy for them whatsoever. I think it's barbaric, and if that's what they enjoy spending their time doing more than anything else, then they are no better than the foxes. They can find themselves another hobby. A fairly unrelated issue then, unless foxes develop a forty-a-day-habit which would probably take care of the need to hunt them, is the proposed public-smoking ban. This one's at a fairly early stage thus far and is unlikely to be made law for a good six months to a year, and it should be stressed that smoking will only be outlawed in public buildings,
not in outdoor areas, as the 'public' tag suggests. An exception is also made for private clubs and of course privately-owned residential buildings (also known as houses). The most surprising aspect of this proposal (to journalists, apparently) is that it's not just a simple case of non-
“pissed off if I
got lung cancer having never smoked”
smokers supporting the ban and smokers opposing it. Yes, it turns out that a lot of smokers would enjoy the constrictions on their habit that a public ban would bring. The logic behind this
is presumably that it will help them, or at least provide an extra incentive, to kick the habit. This can surely only be a good thing. According to the cunninglyabbreviated 'Action on Smoking and Health' (or ASH, for the slightly less awake among you), the princely sum of £1.5 billion was spent by the NHS on treating smoking-related illness in 2002, and any reduction on that for the perpetually cash-strapped health service would be welcome. Quite apart from the financial cost involved, is the reality that lung cancer is really not a nice thing to have. And it's not only smokers who have to worry. According to recent reports, the risk from passive smoking is double what they thought it was. Quite what this means I'm not really clear on, but I am certain I would be pretty pissed off if I got lung cancer having never been a smoker. The ban of smoking in public bars and other smoky environments will have huge benefits for people who visit them, and particularly for the people who work in them, who essentially have to spend their time at work smoking. The argument that it's an occupational hazard is not really one that I have much time for. Of course, there are those who will say that a ban on smoking wherever you please is a great big two-fingers to civil liberties. I'm surprised at how much debate there has been about this. I strongly disagree. It is not someone's right to harm other people. As a nonsmoker and someone who spends the majority of my time with other nonsmokers, I heartily support this ban. Those who choose to exercise the civil liberties they are allowed to slowly kill themselves, can do so in the comfort of their own homes.
In response to fembots By Jules Thorpe-Smith
I
f you’ve been asking yourself who the girls who actually go to the ridiculous lengths of spending two hours getting ready for a lecture are, then you need look no further than last week’s gair rhydd. Yes, the fembots were out in force to stick up for their ridiculous dress habits, and most of them (especially the author of Letter of the Week) obviously hadn’t read Victoria Caudy’s Room 101 properly. If the letter-writer in question had read it, then she wouldn’t have written such an embarrassingly bad reply to her article. It seems that our beloved Cardiff Fembots are not content with stretching logic with the way they dress. (Let’s remind everyone. Every day in
Cardiff is basically winter. They will go out in short skirts which are no more than belts; knee high boots, tiny tops and a pancake-thick layer of makeup. For a nine o’clock lecture). Why ask why we laugh at you? And don’t say that you dress like that for just your own benefit. Liar. That amount of narcissism demands attention. You want that attention. Shame it’s just not favourable, eh? But how about the way they justify themselves, like the unreadable dirge that Ms. Wannabe-feminist-soapboxjumper wrote in as a reply? How can you make the ‘logical’ jump from Caudy basically saying "I think that these women dress stupidly and shouldn’t expect too high a calibre of men when they go clubbing," to imply she is actually saying "All women who wear short skirts deserve to be raped"?
Stupid Fembot, read the article (and yes, you are a fembot in thought if not in dress). The fembots then proceed to go to Media and Gender lectures and seminars (you will find an unfeasibly large proportion of them here) and do nothing. And say nothing. Christ, someone is paying for them to go to university and they just sit there looking bored and stupid. "So Trish*, what do you think of current feminist affairs in the media?" "I like them, I think they’re good." Hardly a girl of mental substance then. And this is only if you get them to speak. Most of the time they just let
tumbleweed blow across an embarrassingly silent seminar room, until someone else gets up the courage to contribute. Nine times out of ten the hapless but brave person who’s piped up is wrong. Cue a chorus of sniggers and tuts from the fembots. And yet I don’t see anything approaching a coherent answer from them. Maybe I’m being unfair or making sweeping generalisations about fembots. In every barrel there are a few bad apples, or so the saying goes. Maybe Media and Gender just looks good on a CV; you know, everyone has one bullshit module under their belt to impress prospective employers. But to then try and justify a badly writ-
ten reply with feminist thought… If she’d come across you in the seventies, Germaine Greer would have burnt you rather than her bra. You’re obviously not paying enough attention in class if you think that short skirts and skimpy tops are "…like, really feminist." When I see a fembot, I look for a pull string trailing out of her back. Were I to pull it, I’d hear one of two things. "No-but-yer-but-no-but-yer-but-nobut-you don’t know nuffin about it" or "Don’t ask me, I’m just a girl. Ha ha haha!" *The name Trish does not refer to a specific student of that name, but is an arbitrary choice by the author. Don’t get your knickers in a twist over it.
Political Opinion
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November 29 2004
gropinion@cf.ac.uk
Reflections from across the pond By Andrew Rennison
F
orget unblemished Amazonian tribes, temple-bound Nepalese monks or unshaven hobos in Brixton; the most fascinating society in the world today is, for me, the USA. Bush’s re-election has predictably incited innumerable debates, but at the core of this lie two questions: why, and what now? Why George Bush won the US elections earlier this month is an issue that causes the most frustration, and is certainly more complex, than any immediate simple answer. Undoubtedly, the world’s future is more volatile with him in power for four more years, but dwelling on the past is limited in productivity and at some point lamentation must be put to rest. Hence we ask, what now? Do the American people fully comprehend how divided their country is? And if so, is there any solution to this cultural and social fragmentation? For a view from inside America, I
recently spoke to Mark Farr, an English national who has lived in Washington DC for several years and was a volunteer at John Kerry’s national headquarters. I asked him about the mood of those around him, after the election hangover had worn off: "Well, in the Kerry HQ it was pretty despondent as the early exits had shown big gains for Kerry." It occurred to me that, even from an Englishman, there is a sense of bitterness about the result, something that surely can only manifest itself in a negative way. Farr added, with a sense of resignation, "I think at the end, people were genuinely expecting Kerry to squeak by. But the Bush juggernaut is so allencompassing that it seems hard to push past. "Out in DC land, which is the most Dem[ocrat] place in the country, there was a feeling that nothing we can do seems to be able to get Bush out." At the risk of sensationalism, that frustration and almost defeatism may be a threat not only to future Democratic
campaigns but to American democracy itself. I put it to Farr that values, not policies or even personalities, were key to Kerry’s failure: "The Democrats lost because, even by the end, we weren't sure what Kerry was for. Even reluctantly, people voted for the other guy, even when his values didn't meet ours." Looking forward, I suggested the notion that Bush may change in his sec-
“The world’s future is more volatile with Bush in power for four more years” ond term: "No. It will be bad. There are already scandals brewing in Halliburton (the energy giant affiliated with Dick Cheney, among others) since the election. He will feel mandated. On the other hand, he already did, even
Calling all students to “Duck Fees” By Ken Griffin
T
wo years ago, I took part in a massive anti-fees march in Dublin that helped scupper the Irish government’s plans to reintroduce university fees for Irish students. This week, I plan to take to the streets again to protest against the introduction of top-up fees in Wales which will restrict access to thirdlevel education for students from low income families. But it is not just students from low income backgrounds who will be affected, as all Welsh students will essentially face a crippling financial burden for the "privilege" of going to university. And that is why it is essential that all Cardiff University students skip their lectures on Thursday morning and go to the "Duck Off Fees" protest in Cardiff Bay. Welsh students need to show the Assembly Government that education is a right, not a privilege to be restricted to a fortunate few who can afford to pay the top-up fees. Students also have to show the Assembly that they are not, as it is commonly believed, apathetic individuals who will not soundly punish the government at the next election. And, in particular, students from low income backgrounds must turn out in force to expose the real hardship that many Welsh students suffer under the current fees regime. This hardship will only get worse if top-up
fees are introduced and it is a real danger that students from lower income backgrounds will effectively be barred from higher education altogether. We successfully achieved this in Dublin two years ago when 10,000 students marched through the centre of Dublin and protested outside the Irish Parliament, sending a clear signal to the Irish government that they would suffer politically if they reintroduced fees.
“Education is a right, not a privilege to be restricted to a fortunate few” Welsh students can have similar success in Cardiff, even though they actually face a more determined and more ideologically driven pro-fees lobby than we did in Ireland. The Rees review into fees which has been commissioned by the Assembly looks set to come down on the side of topup fees, based on the comments made by Professor Teresa Rees, an academic at this university and the review’s chair, earlier this month. She effectively demanded that Cardiff Student Council give her an alternative to top-up fees or else she would recommend them. Her comments, which were made a whole five months before the review is due to be
published, suggests that the study may be far from an independent document. Professor Rees also advocated variable fees by suggesting that topup fees may give students more choices and opportunities. On this point, I agree with her. Top-up fees will force many students to make difficult choices about how to balance their studies with extremely low paid jobs. The universities themselves also seem heavily in favour of top-up fees, which makes a good turnout in Cardiff essential. The strange thing about their pleas of poverty, however, is that they are much better funded than Irish universities. In actual fact, there appears to be some evidence to suggest that, instead of top-up fees, the Assembly should look at making cutbacks in the universities and plough this money into student support. Why are lecturers in Wales so well paid they can afford flash cars? Do university libraries really need to open on Sundays? Why are many lecturers in Cardiff doing fewer hours than their counterparts in Ireland? These are all questions that should be asked of Welsh universities, and Cardiff University in particular needs to explain why it is clinging to a manual, form based system of administration where each school has its own team of administrators, where many other universities elsewhere have converted to mainly electronic systems. These questions should all be asked at Cardiff Bay on Thursday.
before he was." I was surprised by this unprecedented mention of Halliburton, one of several controversies affiliated with the Bush administration. I sensed an air of suspicion and cynicism, an indication that perhaps Americans are not as ignorant of their surroundings as we in the UK believe, though to generalise from the views of one man would be misguided. Farr continued his predictions: "I think he will be sunk by Iraq, though. The war is a complete quagmire and even he can't brush past that reality. There is no success strategy. At some point the US has to leave, and when they do, the fundamentalists will take over and it will all be lost. The longer they stay to prevent that outcome, the worse it will eventually be." Liberal, coastal, urban America would appear to agree with this view, overwhelmingly voting for Kerry – vaguely labelled the anti-war candidate in the election. But clearly this sentiment does not ring true in the rural states, where Bush’s fiercely reinforced
message of certain victory was hammered home, simply adding to the psychological division within US borders. Finally, I asked a question with perhaps an obvious answer: did Farr feel that there is a division in American society and culture? "Well, what do you say?" he responded with a touch of amusement. "That would be a yes. And it was created deliberately, and is likely to grow further. In fact, America is not a right-wing, religious nation. They are still only 34 per cent of the population. Most people call themselves moderates. One day, please soon, there will be realignment". Until such realignment occurs, America is treading dangerous territory. Due to its sheer size, the US has always seen division, but never so acutely during a time of war, if you can call it that. How can a nation promote democracy abroad, a political system supposed to produce unity, consensus and stability, when their domestic situation is so visibly ruptured?
French Bulldozer takes a swipe at Bush and Blair By Daniel Stanton
J
acques Chirac, the French president, used last week’s visit to Britain as an opportunity to criticise Tony Blair’s close relationship with President Bush. Nicknamed ‘the Bulldozer’ in his home country, Chirac was in Britain to mark the centenary of the Entente Cordiale, an agreement between the two nations that marked the end of centuries of war between them. He implied that Blair has become closer to America at the expense of his ties with Europe, with little to show for it. Relations between the United States and Europe became strained after the US declared war on Iraq without the backing of the United Nations. Chirac, who has been an outspoken opponent of the Iraq war and refused to send French troops to the conflict, suggested to journalists that the war had actually been a boost to terrorism, rather than making the world a safer place. He said: "There’s no doubt that there has been an increase in terrorism and one of the origins of that has been the situation in Iraq." Blair and Chirac have had their differences in the past. Chirac represents a right-wing party, while Blair has, at least on paper, centre-left views. In 2002, the British and French leaders publicly disagreed over the Common Agricultural Policy, with Chirac claiming that Blair had been "badly brought up".
The French president claimed in a press conference with Blair that Franco-British cooperation was the only way forward for European defence. He cited the conflicts in Afghanistan, the Balkans and the Congo as examples of the two countries working together for the good of the international community. Blair will take over the presidency of the EU next year and will need to decide the direction it will take. Chirac has implied that Britain should pay more attention to its allies in Europe than to its friends across the pond. Meanwhile, France has been criticised for its close relationship with Germany which many have claimed allows it to steer the EU. Blair faces the difficult task of trying to keep both sides happy. In more than a geographical sense, Britain is the link between the US and Europe but risks unpopularity with one should it show too much attention to the other. The meeting with Chirac follows Blair’s visit to the Bush family’s ranch to congratulate the American president on his re-election. Chirac’s next engagement after leaving Downing Street is also with Mr Bush, but may not be so cordial. While Britain has, in the past, been America’s sole supporter at times, Blair seems to have built up enough political capital with Bush to be able to concentrate on building bridges with the rest of Europe. He may well need a bulldozer to do it.
Question your local MP MPs! What on earth do they do all day? What are they for? How much do they really earn? Jon Owen Jones, Labour MP for Cardiff Central, is giving Cardiff students the chance to have their questions answered. If you want to know what our local MP is doing for the area then send in your questions to us and we will put them to the man himself. Email us at gropinion@cf.ac.uk
Taf-Od
Tachwedd 29 2004
Tud 11
grwelsh@cf.ac.uk
Canolfan Celfyddydeg Darogan Gwae Hogi ein gilotin? Newydd Cymru Gan Ifan Morgan Jones Gohebydd Taf-Od
Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od GYDA CHANOLFAN y Mileniwm yn agor ar y bae dros y penwythnos a miloedd wedi ceisio cael gafael ar docynnau, mae Taf-Od yn gofyn beth yw ein gobeithion ni’r Cymry ar ei chyfer. Mae ei phennaeth newydd, Ms. Judith Isherwood, sydd wedi gweithio gyda T_ Opera Sydney yn y gorffennol, wedi lleisio’u gobeithion ar egyfer y ganolfan yn barod. Mae hi hefyd wedi mynegi ei siom ynghylch agwedd snobyddlyd y Saeson tuag at anwybodaeth gwledydd eraill o ddiwylliant y Cymry, a dywed ei bod yn debyg i’r agwedd oedd tuag at yr Awstraliaid rhyw 20 mlynedd yn ôl. Yn ôl Ms. Isherwood bu T_ Opera Sydney a thwf twristiaeth Awstralia yn bwysig wrth ddileu’r agwedd hon tuag
ati, a chreu delwedd mwy soffistigedig o’r wlad. Ei gobaith felly yw y bydd Canolfan y Mileniwm yn creu delwedd mwy soffistigedig o Gymru. Dechreuwyd adeiladu’r ganolfan, a ddylunwyd gan Percy Thomas, yn Chwefror 2002, gyda buddsoddiad o £104 miliwn i’w hadeiladu ar 33,000m2 o dir gan ddefnyddio 5,000 tunnell o ddur.
Cofiwch y Cyfeiriad Ebost: grwelsh@cf.ac.uk Neu’r Rhif negeseuon 07734297223 Dysgu Cymraeg Gyda Taf-Od Learn Welsh with Taf-Od
Brawddeg yr Wythnos: “Ble nes di gwylio’r gem dydd Sadwrn?”
Sentence of The Week: “Where did you watch Saturday’s match?”
Mae disgwyl i Bryn Terfel berfformio yn y seremoni agoriadol, gyda gwesteion eraill sy’n cynnwys Charlotte Church, Matthew Rhys, Sian Phillips, Ruthie Henshall, a Jonathan Pryce. “The Good, the Bad and the Cuddly” gan gwmni cymunedol Odyssey, sef drama wedi’i selio yn y Gorllewin Gwyllt, fydd y sioe agoriadol ar y 27ain o Dachwedd. Ac ystyried mai canolfan ar gyfer celfyddydau Cymru yw hi, bydd rhai’n crybwyll y ffaith nad Cymro neu Gymraes yw pennaeth y ganolfan, ond mae Taf-Od o’r farn bod profiad Ms. Isherwood a’i deallusrwydd o’r Cymry’n golygu ei bod hi’n berson sy’n llawn haeddu’r swydd. Gobaith mawr Taf-Od yw bydd y ganolfan yn dod â safon uchel i gelfyddyd Cymru ac yn dangos ein bod ninnau’n genedl soffistigedig. Mae’n hen bryd i ni’r Cymry gael ein gweld, a dyma ein cyfle i ddisgleirio.
FAINT O GENHEDLOEDD eraill y byd sydd wedi ffurfio’u diwylliant cyfan o amgylch eu dinistr anochel? Mae ein rhyddiaith, ein cerddoriaeth, ein barddoniaeth, a hyd yn oed ein cymdeithasu wedi eu hamswigo yn ein marwoldeb. Efallai ein bod yn dychmygu ein hunain yn ddewr wrth frwydro yn erbyn gormes y Saeson, ond ry’n ni’n genedl hunandosturiol mewn gwirionedd, yn cael pleser wrth finiogi’r gilotîn sy’n hongian uwch ein pen. Mae’n bosibl dadlau bod darogan gwae o’r fath yn ennyn cefnogaeth eraill, a thrwy hynny y bydd posibl taro’n ôl yn erbyn y Goliath sy’n sathru ar ein Bro Gymraeg gwerthfawr! Ond ychydig iawn ry’n ni’n ei wneud ynghylch y peth mewn gwirionedd, gan fod yn ddigon parod i ruddfan a grwgnach. Mae’r ymdeimlad mai methu ym mhob peth yw ein tynged wedi lledu i bob rhan o’n diwylliant. Ar Dachwedd 20fed cawson ni’r cyfle gorau mewn 50 mlynedd i drechu tîm rygbi Seland
Newydd, gan fethu o un pwynt yn unig. Yn lle siomedigaeth chwerw a chyhoeddus, yr ymateb oedd dweud ‘mi wnaethon ni’n gorau’, fel pe bawn ni’n derbyn safle ein gwlad yn yr ail reng. Digon teg, ry’n ni wedi cael bywyd digon anodd fel gwlad, gyda Lloegr yn frawd mawr creulon sy’n ein taro’n ddiddiwed a thynnu ein gwallt, a’r Alban ac Iwerddon yn ddau efaill llawer mwy poblogaidd sy’n dinistrio ein hunan barch (ond o leiaf y gallwn ymddiried yn ein chwaer fach, Llydaw!). Dau ddewis sydd gennym fel aelod o’r fath deulu; y cyntaf yw cuddio yn ein hystafell a throi’n fersiwn gwladol o ‘goth’, sef yr hyn ry’n ni’n ei wneud ar hyn o bryd, a’r ail yw cymryd rôl y brawd bach hwnnw sy’n mynnu’r holl sylw, yn fwndel o egni, yn annibynnol ac yn rhagori ym mhob peth dan haul. Edrychwch ar ein diwylliant cyfoethog, da chi; mae gennym ni’r doniau i gyrraedd y nod, ond ni ddigwyddith hynny os y parhawn yn y tywyllwch. Pe rhown y gorau i aflonyddu dros ein marwolaeth anochel, a fyddai ein marwolaeth ni mor anochel a hynny wedi’r cyfan?
Cofiwch y brotest!! Dydd Iau 2 Rhagfur 11:30yb wrth y Cynulliad
Health
Page 12
November 29 2004
Dying to be grhealth@cf.ac.uk
It is estimated that seven million women and one million men in Britain suffer from a life-threatening eating disorder. Health considers the possible causes and consequences in today’s society. By Charlotte Handley Health Reporter ACCORDING TO THE Eating Disorder Association, 90,000 people in the UK are being treated for anorexia or bulimia. However, it is believed that the actual number suffering may be closer to 1.5 million. With the age category most at risk being 15-25 year olds, it can often be of concern to students. Bulimia nervosa, characterised by binge eating and purging, is the most common eating disorder, affecting eight percent of women at some point in their lives. Anorexia nervosa, on the other hand, affects fewer people (around three percent) and is more characteristically involved with the
Bulimia involves people making themselves sick after eating
extreme restriction of food. Eating disorders are not, however, only applicable to women. It is a common myth that only women can develop an eating disorder when, in fact, ten percent of cases are men - an everincreasing percentage. Eating behaviours over the last century have changed incredibly, seeing food become cheaper and unhealthy foods more available. At the same time, we live in a society which values the denial of food and rewards healthy eating. This contradiction sends confusing messages to young men and women - it is no wonder that we live in a society obsessed with food and body image. The media has often been targeted as a main trigger of eating disorders. Magazines, for instance, provide an example of contradictions surrounding body image when they feature an article on how to love yourself whatever your weight, while on the opposite page there may be an article on how to lose weight and get the perfect celebrity body to make your friends jealous. Television programmes aimed at young people such as Hollyoaks and The O.C. are full of unhealthy and unrealistic images of men and women. They portray a rather false snapshot of society where the majority, if not all, of the characters are beautiful and popular - and slim. In 1998 the Bread for Life Campaign surveyed 900 young women in a study called "Pressure to be Perfect". Only 25 percent were happy
with their weight and a worrying 61 percent said they felt inadequate compared with media images. This media pressure to be slim is undoubtedly powerful. However, it is unlikely that this alone could induce an eating disorder. Rather than a single cause it is much more likely to be a combination of factors that triggers the onset of an eating disorder. These can include things such as low self-esteem, problems at college or university and traumatic events such as bullying or bereavement. In light of the recent wave of fad diets - such as carb-free or fruit-only eating disorders are becoming more and more linked to restrictive eating regimes. Although diets do not specifically cause eating disorders, some eating patterns can become damaging enough to lead to a disorder. Ironically, this can often happen as a result of a successful diet. The diet undertaken may have helped in achieving an ideal size, but may produce the belief that they must continue the diet at a stricter rate again to retain that weight. In turn this can spiral out of control as that person begins to believe that a greater, or even total, restriction on food may lead to what they consider to be even better results. Research has shown that young women who diet at a severe level are eighteen times more likely to develop an eating disorder than those who don’t. People who diet at a moderate level are five times more likely.
Overcome your eating disorder RECOGNISING THAT an estimated 12 to 15 percent of students may be affected by an eating disorder, Cardiff University’s Health Centre has recently set up an Eating Disorder Clinic. The clinic aims to provide early recognition and intervention for mild to moderate eating disorders and uses a guided self-help approach. This approach uses manuals based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in conjunction with a guide who provides support, psycho-education, information and encouragement. The staff at the clinic include a registered mental health nurse, a dietician specialising in the field and a GP. It is hoped that this small support system will offer students the best help possible to fully tackle their problems. The clinic encourages anyone who may have reservations about coming forward to seek help.
A statement made in a presentation to the Institute of Nursing pointed out that from a group that were successfully helped, initially none wanted help, but within one year 90 percent admitted that they had been in desperate need of treatment. Such feelings of reluctance are common, but help is readily available. Any student who feels they may have an eating disorder can refer themselves to the service. An initial appointment will assess whether the service is suitable to meet their needs and, if so, they will be invited to attend the clinic which holds sessions on Thursday and Friday afternoons in the University Health Centre at 47 Park Place. Students wishing to make an appointment must ring the Health Centre on 02920 784810.
One of the main factors concerning eating disorders is that they are never simple. It is not entirely known what makes someone become anorexic or bulimic as the causes can be different depending on the person. Treatment can be a long and challenging process which must be tailored to the needs of the sufferer. For men, the desire to keep in shape is also a factor in the development of eating disorders. Men who are involved in occupations or sports that demand a controlled weight such as boxing or athletics are more at risk. The Eating Disorder Association also claims that men typically go undiagnosed for longer because their
weight loss is attributed to exercise rather than diet. Eating disorders are not a modern phenomenon, with the first case of anorexia being recorded in 1669. Despite this great length of time, there is still little known about their causes. If you would like any more information, help or advice, visit the Eating Disorders Association website at www.edauk.com.
How to spot the symptoms: Anorexia Nervosa ◆ Physical signs Severe weight loss Periods stopping in women Hormonal changes in men and boys
Weighing it up for yourself: the clinic offers a self-guided approach for sufferers
UNREALISTIC IMAGE: It’s not just men’s mags that showcase female models
Difficulty sleeping Dizziness Stomach pains Constipation Poor circulation or feeling cold
◆ Behavioural signs Wanting to be left alone Wearing baggy clothes Excessive exercising Lying about eating meals Denying there is a problem Difficulty concentrating Wanting to have control ◆ Psychological signs Intense fear of gaining weight Depression Feeling emotional Obsession with dieting Mood swings Distorted perception of body weight and size
If you have a topic you want the Health experts to look into, contact: grhealth@cf.ac.uk
Health
November 29 2004
Page 13
grhealth@cf.ac.uk
‘beautiful’
What to do if your friend or flatmate has an eating disorder By Jessica Boydell Health Editor
BODY BEATIFUL: Those suffering from eating disorders often have a distorted view of their own bodies Bulimia Nervosa ◆ Physical signs Sore throat Swollen glands Stomach pains Irregular periods Dry or poor skin Difficulty sleeping Sensitive or damaged teeth ◆ Behavioural signs Eating large quantities of food and then being sick Being secretive Wanting to be left alone Wearing baggy clothes Denying that there is a problem Difficulty in concentrating Wanting to have control
◆ Psychological signs Intense fear of gaining weight Depression Feeling emotional Obsession with dieting Mood swings Distorted perception of body weight and size Feeling ashamed, depressed and guilty Feeling out of control
AT UNIVERSITY, friends and flatmates often become important as supporting figures for one another. Being away from the support of parents and family members who may know you better can mean that flatmates become vital to turn to for advice, help or just someone to talk to about problems. Students who come to university with an eating disorder may have disguised it for many years. However, living in close quarters with other students can mean that eating habits are harder to keep hidden. For example, you may have noticed that your flatmate does not eat with you, or eats little when alone, or he or she is even binge eating and then making themselves sick. If you have established that they have an eating disorder, as busy as
you might be with your course and hobbies, try to give your flatmate time to talk with you. Listen to what your friend has to say and encourage him or her to seek help. Although you are offering support to your friend, remember that it is not your responsibility to solve their problems. It can be the case that you get so involved that the burden becomes too great. It is important to remember that if you feel out of your depth, or feel that the eating disorder is out of control, suggest to your friend that they should tell their parents. Encourage them to admit their problem to family or friends but, if they refuse, think about telling their parents yourself. If you decide to do this then make sure you talk to your friend and let them know what you intend to do. It is important for them not to lose their trust in you so be sure to give them reasons why and reassure them that you are still their friend. In a great number of cases, low self-esteem is a characteristic of people with an eating disorder so it is important to remind them why you are their friend. Remind them what qualities they have and, although it is easy to make false
Where to get further help ❒ Your GP
❒ Counsellor
Your GP can give you a correct diagnosis and refer you to professionals such as psychiatrists, dieticians and counsellors.
A counsellor can help resolve emotional difficulties without judgment. They will help patients understand why they behave as they do and recommend therapy.
❒ Psychiatrist
❒ Friends
You are more than likely to be transferred to a psychiatrist after seeing your GP. They will have been trained specifically in eating disorders.
Friends are a great support and will help you all the way through your illness to recovery.
❒ Dietician
❒ EDA Youthline
A dietician, who has been trained in the study of the scientific effects of food on the body, can give advice relating to food and eating habits. However, they cannot treat the underlying emotional problems.
The Eating Disorders Association Youthline is a confidential support and information line who offer a non-judgemental listening ear to young people. They can help you work through your problems and make suggestions on how to help yourself. 0845 634 7650
compliments, it is best to be honest rather than lie. As well as this, it is important that although they might not go out with you as often as they used to, there is no reason why you should not still ask them. Remember, you do not need to change your own eating habits to fit in with your friend. Many people may think that force-feeding their friend or watching them eat will help. In fact, this can aggravate the situation and cause them to lose faith in you as a friend. The main point to remember is that it is not up to you to cure their problem. You are not responsible for making your friend eat normally again. Both you and your friend can get support and advice from the Eating Disorders Association Helpline or website at www.EDAUK.com. Advice is also available from your GP or the Health Centre’s Eating Disorders Clinic.
Did you know?
The highest prevalence of eating disorders occurs in young people between the ages of 15-25. If you would like help or advice contact: The Eating Disorders Clinic, Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place Tel: 029 20784810
NEXT TIME: Coming up on the next Health page: Elenor Sherrard-Smith looks into the importance of iron in our blood.
Jobs & Money
Page 14
November 29 2004
grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk
Possibly the worst jobs in the world... ever?
By Andy Rennison Jobs and Money Reporter
I
f history has taught us anything, it’s that there is always someone with a job worse than yours. It seems every society, from the Romans to the present day, has manufactured some corner of the labour market into which only the brave or foolhardy will venture. Thus, I hereby present the top five worst jobs in history. Well, 2004. At five we have that staple of middle-class suburbia, the early morning paperboy. No doubt many of you are familiar with this enriching occupation, which has, in its defence, provided pocket money for innumerable children over the years, including me. But it has significant drawbacks. The words ‘labour’ and ‘child’ spring to mind; surely a 12-year-old should not be carrying a four-stone sack of newspapers at six in the morning? And, because paperboys are usually paid at piece rate, newsagents can conceal the fact that the rough hourly wage hovers around the £3 mark. Then there are the additional hazards of door-head-butting dogs and porches that smell of old people. Definitely one to confine to the memory of childhood. Propping up the chart at number four, I give you the Trainee Accountant. Now I must confess, this is borne out of my own traumatic work experience during year ten, when I was assigned to a small accounting practice in Aldershot. But it was honestly appalling. A proud sense of tradition keeps many accountants from updating their facilities. Therefore, you use a 30year-old computer to perform your duties. Duties that entail looking at a book, copying the numbers, then repeating the process at least 10,000 times. Mind-numbing is not the word. Oh, and the pay was zero, and remains zero for some real trainees.
BOTTLING UP: Bottler collectors hold the proud position of number 3 in the worst jobs of 2004 Luckily, the seemingly depressed owner of my practice kept a litre of Smirnoff in his cupboard. I borrowed it as a thank-you for my two weeks’ effort, and, of course, to prevent him from drinking himself into a coma. Charging up to number three are bottle-collecting club monkeys – I am unaware of their correct title. These are the poor and unnoticed souls who, in the midst of alcohol-fuelled revellers, have to scavenge the dancefloor picking up discarded beverages. The potential for being knocked to the ground by someone’s arse is high, as is the possibility of a swift kick to the shin from a guy drunkenly dancing the cancan. Adding to the complete lack of job satisfaction are tiny wages, as the task is deemed easy to perform. If the mental trauma was considered, pay packets would surely double. Look out for these unfortunate souls. Just missing out at numero dous, I give you the Prime Minister. Didn’t see that one coming did you? I just feel people should cut these guys some slack, as it’s clearly hard work. Having responsibility for 60 million people is kind of draining I imagine –
I have enough trouble taking care of my mate’s stick insects for a week. I mean, let’s look at the evidence. Find a photo of Blair from 1997. Then look at him now. It looks like two decades have passed, not seven years. Poor guy nearly had a heart attack. I’m not a big fan of Blair the politician, but I have a heart. And what about Major? He was dull when he entered office but was positively coma-inducing by 1996. And Thatcher is now so decrepid that she has to give funeral speeches via pre-recorded video links. There is a trend developing. To any of you fools going on the ‘Duck Off Fees’ march, chant against the policy, but leave little ol’ Blair alone, and vote Lib Dem next year for his own good. And, inevitably and irrefutably crashing in at number one, I present to you the McDonald’s employee. I tried to think of a less obvious choice, but really, is there any mainstream job that is quite so terrible? You spend all day on your feet charging back and forth trying to avoid barging colleagues while attempting to remember an order. The smell of recycled dog that I associate with a Big Mac wafts
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Hello, years ago. Throughout sophy from Cardiff University two I graduated with a degree in philo st, I didn’t have a clue hone be To ted to be when I left. university I had no idea what I wan I was there either! what I was doing most of the time n to find out what some time out of work and educatio take to y “the rest of my life” actuWhen I graduated I decided All I could think about was how scar life. my of rest the with do to I really wanted d with the decision. w what career I wanted but ally sounded now that I was face in love with France. I still didn’t kno fell and e whil a for pe Euro nd I travelled arou a French town or city. a French ski resort, hoping to I knew it would involve working in porary job as a chalet manager on tem a for ied appl I ncy age el Through a trav long-term commitments. n the language before I made any after British holidaymakers, experience French culture and lear Alps, spending six months looking the in king wor time zing ama t I had the mos rsions. t our customers’ standards. planning menus and booking excu ensuring that all new resorts mee ime full-t pany so varcom el trav the for I now work over Europe. I love that my job is I regularly travel to countries all . ays) holid free of s load get I s Although I’m still based in Britain, k (plu g to end up by the end of the wee chosen a tourism ied. I never know where I’m goin wanted to do. I would never have I t wha ed ider cons fully care ! I’m really glad I waited and else I couldn’t imagine doing anything career when I graduated, but now Wish you were here? Sarah Clark
Impossible to fail? Financial pressures are forcing academics to compromise their professional judgment according to a new survey. The poll by The Times Higher Education Supplement revealed that 71% of academics surveyed believe that their institution “has admitted students who are not capable of benefitting from higher level study.” There was also concerns over the authority of academic staff. More than 40% agreed that “decisions to fail students’ work have been overruled at higher levels in the institutions.” Some universities were alleged to be trapped in a vicious circle by the higher-education funding system. Universities are forced to accept weaker students to fill places, but are also imposed financial penalities if students subsequently dropped out.
Google for geeks Internet search engine Google is planning to launch an academic brother called ‘Google Scholar’. It is intended to offer students and academics a wider range of information not usually accessible via normal search engines because it is locked behind subscription barriers. “Google Scholar will make the world’s scientific literature universally accessible. We want everyone to be able to stand on the shoulders of giants,” said project manager Anurag Acharya.
Quick cash
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Postcards from the Real World
through your nostrils for hours. The only other sensory experience is the look of disdain on the faces of customers who have decent occupations. For the record, I am really, really nice to people who work at fast food places. Next time you order a Happy Meal, employ a bit of human empathy, and smile at the person serving you. It’ll be the highlight of their day.
News in Brief
YOUR STUDENT DEBT UK JOBLESS TOTAL
The Office of Fair Trading has launched a campaign urging young people to exercise caution when choosing a credit deal. A survey conducted by the OFT showed that more than a third of 18 to 24-year-olds take out credit when shopping without any intention of doing so before they entered the shop. The OFT has identified ten key questions you should ask yourself before entering into a credit agreement: · How much will the credit cost you compared with other similar deals? · Is your home being used as security? · Is it the best deal and interest rate you can get? · Do you fully understand the credit agreement form you are about to sign? · Will the interest rate stay the same? · Are there extra charges if you repay the debt early? · What happens if you miss a payment? · What do you have to pay each month and for how long? · What's the total amount that you will pay back? · Can you take the credit agreement away to consider at your leisure? It is hoped by applying these questions young people can avoid high interest rates and bad credit ratings.
Jobs & Money
November 29 2004
Page 15
grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk
Which Party will fund you the best? By Oliver Cowan Jobs and Money Reporter
P
ollsters have predicted a May 2005 date for the next general election and candidates have already started to campaign. With recent council and by-elections affected by low turnouts, especially among young people, one issue that is sure to attract students to the ballot box is higher education funding. The three main parties all have different agendas for student funding, so which one is likely to be the most beneficial for the average student? With closely contested constituencies in student areas, this issue could be important both for the politicians and the students. Labour plan variable tuition fees or ‘top-up’ fees rising as high as £3000 a year. These are going to be paid for by loans, with poorer students receiving grants of up to £2700 to cover their course costs. This is similar to the current system of poorer students having their fees paid for by their Local Education Authority. As for living costs, students are still expected to be taking out student loans, repayable at inflation level of interest when in employment. The impending top-up fees have received scathing criticism from all sides and are especially unpopular with students. The Welsh Assembly has pledged not to introduce top-up fees pending a review of funding procedures, although it is likely that top universities will need to introduce them in order to compete with institutions in England. Meanwhile the Conservatives have a more radical strategy; they plan to scrap tuition fees altogether and use a commercial rate of interest on student loans, likely to be about 8%, to finance teaching costs. This loan will again be paid back when graduates start earning. Although the Conservatives also wish to retain Labour’s grants, their overall policy is
likely to be unpopular with poorer students – the people most likely to take out loans - due to the high interest rates. There would also be no means-testing which would reduce administrative costs but could lead to greater misallocation of funds. Spokesman for the Liberal Democrats Phil Willis attacked the Tory plans saying, "It cannot be right that low income students will have to take out the maximum level of loans in order to pay for university improvements, whilst those with the greatest access to resources contribute nothing." The Liberal Democrats have a typically more state-funded approach, tending to look after people from poorer backgrounds by taxing those on higher incomes; they propose a 50% income tax for people earning over £100,000 a year. Tuition fees will be removed for all students, grants will be provided for the less wealthy and student loans will be available at an inflation-only interest rate. The notorious problem facing the Liberal Democrats is in convincing people that a raise in their income tax is justified in order to provide decent state education. Higher education policies for each of the main parties are pretty closely related to their political ideals – Liberals want the state to provide for all by taxing the wealthy, Tories want to loosen the burden on the rich and expect poorer people to pick up the slack, with Labour somewhere inbetween. Students in Wales have a real chance in the near future to decide on their funding system as the devolved government has not yet passed a vote on top-up fees. If you care about the financial welfare of current and future students then get involved in the demonstartion and make sure that the policy adopted in Wales is one that will benefit everyone in higher education, not just the wealthy.
For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students Union. Swydd/Job:
Temporary Merchandisers
Cardiff £6 per hour (Mon-Sat) £9 per hour (Sun) Various Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: 17th – 24th December 2004 Manylion/Details: Marketing company representing a leading alcohol brand looking for temporary merchandisers to ensure availability of their products during the run up to Christmas. Applicants should be over 18 and have their own vehicle. Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:
Swydd/Job:
General Catering Vacancies
Cardiff Min £5 per hour + 8% holiday pay Flexible Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: ASAP - Ongoing Manylion/Details: Recruitment agency requires the following staff to work on a temporary basis within Cardiff and surrounding areas: Silver service, plated service, bar tenders, kitchen porters, catering assistants. Experience is preferred but training is available. Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
052
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
059
Swydd/Job:
Litter Picker
Swydd/Job:
Telephone Interviewers
Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Cardiff £5.50 per hour Various Ongoing Cleaning contractors recruiting a team of litter pickers / sweepers to work as part of a team in Cardiff.
Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
051
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
Cardiff £4.95 per hour starting rate (plus holiday pay) Flexible Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Market research company close to the University is looking for telephone interviewers. You should have a clear speaking voice, good keyboard skills and a good command of English. Welsh speakers advantageous, but not essential. 060
In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.
Car Owner Drivers Required
WHO WILL BE YOUR HERO?
Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff If you wish to comment on or contribute to the Jobs and Money section of gair rhydd, either by writing or creating ideas for stories contact us at: grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk or come to the fourth floor of the students union.
■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.
Media
Page 16
November 29 2004
grmedia@cf.ac.uk
Get real, television
Are there any limits on the length Reality TV is willing go to?
By Laura Murphy Media Correspondent
R
ecently I can’t help but notice the amount of reality TV I am bombarded with on an average night. It’s scary the kind of things that you can find when idly channel-flicking away, trying to put off doing anything constructive. Thursday night I was confronted with a couple having actual sex on screen. Not some late-night softcore Channel Five epic - this was 11pm, Channel 4 and the latest episode in Sex Inspectors. In some ways we could see this as a logical progression; we’ve had the property make-over shows, then the cookery reality shows, dating shows, even shows exposing how dirty some people can be. Now we are treated to how dirty some people’s sex lives should be. Lorded over by sex therapist Tracey Cox and presenter Michael Alvear, whose job it is to point out where they are going wrong and offer practical advice and sex toys in equal measure. The couples involved are all in long-term relationships but are experiencing a range of problems: from mismatched libidos to one partner being unfaithful to an energetic sprog running round at three in the morning. Julian Bellamy, Channel 4’s Head of Entertainment, says he is proud of the show’s educational properties and its informative nature. He says: “It’s not about titillation. I defy anyone to be turned on.”
However, the publicity surrounding the programme has really focused on the sex rather than the advice. It’s fair to say that many will tune in simply to gawp at the ‘car-crash TV’ element. But how much further will reality TV go? And what effect will this have upon the people involved with the programme? We have to ask if the relationships featured in (excruciating) detail will suffer as an result of sharing their inability to orgasm with the nation. Perhaps it would be better to share this with a sex counsellor in the reassuring privacy of the therapist’s room? Tracey Cox is quick to dispel this idea.
“By not going to a therapist, they’re actually helping other people” “All the people who went on it knew what they were up for ... and they quite liked the fact that the rest of Britain would be watching. “By not going to a therapist, they’re actually able to help other people.” Cox also thinks that this show is unique in that it is not anti-men, as some similar educational programmes have been in the past. This show follows on from the obsession that reality television seems to have with sex. Big Brother is a case in point. I have a slight confession to
make at this juncture … yes, I was slightly addicted to the last series and actually called in sick to work the night of the final. That doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? But I think I’m still able to say that the last series was based around the big question - ‘will they shag this time?’ Playboy even got in on the act, offering £50,000 to the first couple to have full sex on a series of Big Brother (the teenagers who were filmed en flagrante on the bedroom floor for a Channel 4 spin-off exempted from this). Five’s latest foray into the reality television genre was also caught up in controversy after Rebecca Loos, who it would appear failed to be courted to spend two weeks in a fake ‘jungle’ accessible by a two minute walk from a TV studio frequented by Ant and/or Dec, masturbated a pig for the purposes of animal husbandry. Yes, it’s part of everyday farm life. No, it’s not appropriate evening viewing when she happily tells the camera, ‘I just wanked off a pig’. Though she probably didn’t have to spend months translating for the pig in Spanish restaurants or having incredibly tedious and grammatically incorrect text conversations beforehand.
Jungle Fun And now we’re treated to another fascinating two weeks of watching the every move of the latest non-entities to enter the (fibreglass and camera-cable strewn) ‘Australian jungle’. An obscure American TV star from the
1970s, 90s pop stars, glorified lap attempt to make Christmas number dancers, a man who makes money by ones. But the thing that I find most sad talking about his ‘relationship’, such as it is, with the Royals, and (I kid you about these programmes is that, even not) a man who deservedly wins the in those that allow us a window into prize for most vague reason for being the lives of the general public rather there - the ‘Nightclub owner and for- than the regulars of OK and Heat magazine, they rarely allow for recognition mer bodyguard for Westlife’. What irritates me the most about of the hard work and effort that it takes reality television isn’t the programmes to produce such television. One example of this comes from a themselves; it’s the fact that, sure enough, the random Z-listers from last recent television awards ceremony in year’s run of the show will offer their which Wife Swap won its category. In recognition of the hard work, considered opinion about the ins-andouts of last night’s conversation about blood, sweat and tears of the large team how much the contestants are missing responsible for bringing this protheir partners/children/pet cactus/pre- gramme to our screens, they sent up to collect their award - the middle-aged vious careers. No matter how much you avoid the chav from the first series whose sole achievement to date, apart from veractual programme like the bally abusing her swap family plague, you’re still faced with when appearing on the proit everywhere you turn, from gramme, has been opening superJordan and Peter Andre chatmarkets and getting her tits out ting with Phil and Fern when for Page 3 of the Sun. you turn on the TV in the In a way, these programmes seek morning, to discussions about to reward anti-social or it on the radio and in-depth promiscuous behavanalysis about who is most iour in order to boost likely to be voted out the ratings. first (it’s the first So where do we week dammit! It’s go from showing not relevant!). full, real, non-airNot to mention brushed sex on a the actual programme mainstream chanand the hour long nel? It seems that ‘live’ programmes disthe final frontier of persed throughout the reality television has been evening’s coverage. broached - so what furThen there’s the ITV ther progress could be documentaries following the ‘celebs’. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of made in this genre of Here contestant Peter Andre television? Or even worse, an
Xpress just miss out Student station gets bronze and silver By Heather Casey Media Correspondent
I
t was a case of so near and yet so far again for Xpress as they took home two runner-up gongs from The Student Radio Association Awards last Friday. Hosted by Radio One DJs Steve Lamacq and Jo Whiley, the awards were given to individual and collective talents who had dedicated their time to Student Radio in 2004. The awards, held in London’s Sheppard’s Bush Empire, were judged by industry professionals. Previous winners have gone on to forge careers on local and national stations. Since 1996 the first SRA awards, student stations have gone from strength to strength and are wellrespected in the industry. Xpress Radio was nominated in two categories - Best Specialist Show and Best Entertainment Programme. David Winks and his show Outer National was up for Best Specialist Music Show. Taking away bronze in the category David commented: “I’m really
pleased as the specialist category is tough with lots of competition from people who are all very passionate about their music.” The second nomination was in the Best Entertainment category, for their popular show (Students Don’t) Drive. Presenters Roop and Tom took the silver award in the category: They said: “We were really pleased to be nominated for Best Entertainment and it’s a massive compliment to be a runner-up, but secretly we were gutted not to have won.” Tom Wellingham, Station Manager added: “The fact that we were praised for both our Specialist and Mainstream programming just goes to show how capable Xpress Radio is of a professional level of broadcasting.” After another successful two week broadcast Xpress Radio have already started to gear up for next year’s awards. The student station have a month long broadcast planned in February and are still broadcasting 24 hours a day at www.xpressradio.co.uk.
Letters
November 29 2004
Page 17
grletters@cf.ac.uk
The gair rhydd letters page Once again, so many letters, so little space.
Fed up of deliberate controversy Dear gair rhydd Why do you insist on printing Andrew Caldicott’s letters week upon week? He was a failed columnist on your paper, so I understand your desire to see him ripped to shreds by everybody’s replies whenever you put his ‘A’ Level rants into print. I too am fed up of his stories - last week’s was an attempt to put across the same views as he does every letter. I would like to pledge a ban on his boring letters and hope that you will not be hypocritical on this issue as a few weeks ago you condemned everybody for going off after one of his letters then you proceed to set up the same situation again. I understand that my letter is a negative one, but this addresses both you and him being at fault. Chris, second year medicine.
Some love them, some hate them Dear gair rhydd, Congratulations to Victoria Caudy for bringing to the public's attention the horror that is, as she refers to it, the 'Fembot'. For approximately two years now, I have been witness to a parade of sheep who actually think that wearing a miniskirt in winter with these ugg boots is high fashion. You're all wrong. You look like demented cavemen who have no idea what country you're living in and even less of an idea about what time of year it is. Anyone who doesn't believe me on this one, just go to Bute and count how many gormless girls are wandering about in ponchos (another useless invention by the way - too warm for summer, too cold for winter) combined with dodgy wellies. If you're really keen, ask them when was the last time they went into Topshop. The average answer is two hours, 43 minutes and seven seconds ago. I'm not saying that liking Topshop is necessarily a bad
Perri
thing, but just be very selective about what you buy there. Even worse is the idea of tucking your jeans into your boots - what's that all about? When I was about three years old my mum would force me to tuck my trousers into my wellies if it was wet outside, and as a fashion-concious three year old I hated it because it looked retarded. That is why bootleg trousers were invented. Why can't all you Topshop shoppers out there get a life and actually develop a style of your own, rather than just following the rest of the sheep out there? I used to joke, calling these ugg-ly boots 'wellies', but to my utter distress, Topshop actually sells genuine welly boots so you can now look even more like a badly-attired toddler. As for the letter calling Victoria 'sexist' - hello! She was merely saying that some things in life are wrong.In my opinion, but if you want to look like a cross between a builder and a prostitute, I'm not going to stop you. Go to the local red light district and see what the girls wear there. I guarantee that it's an arse-skimming skirt with boots to stop them freezing on their street corners. Now I'm not saying anyone in a skirt deserves to be raped, I'm obviously dead against that, but do you really think that a) men are going to ignore any display of leg if you're not single and b) you'll be attracting the right kind of guy if you are? Please. Somebody who can actually think for (and dress) herself.
Cardiff is the armpit of the UK Dear gair rhydd, Almost a year ago I met a fellow student from the charming city of Reading who proclaimed that our home city can only be described as ‘the armpit of the UK". Naturally I disagreed in the strongest possible terms and ever since have found myself defending the capital of Wales to vari-
ous other Cardiff born students I have encountered across the UK. However, it struck me last week when I was in "probably the best university in the world", drinking a pint of Carlsberg at St Hilders College, Oxford that maybe Cardiff is the armpit of the UK. After all if the most paramount celebrities Cardiff Council can get to turn on their ‘spectacular’ city lights are the Blazin’ Squad, then they obviously doesn’t think much of their own people. Perhaps it is true though. If we look beyond the limits of the university community we live in you can see a less economically developed city that’s struggling to gain a respectable reputation within Britain. As Europe’s newest capital it hasn’t had that injection of attention that so many other cities have got. Take London for example: my home borough of Bexley (one of many fantastic London boroughs) seems to have an unlimited influx of cash courtesy of our ‘New Labour Government’, spending almost eight million pounds a year on the community, including new schools, homes, leisure facilities and even graffiti removal. Because of this, it’s my belief that it is only what we see in our day to day university driven lives that leads us to believe that Cardiff is superior to any other student city. Should anyone dare cross the river Taff by the stadium and head down towards the territory of the Soul Crew, then you will see my point. You have to navigate yourself through derelict streets, avoiding the many disregarded sofas to get to Ninian Park, the home of Cardiff City, renowned for being one of the roughest clubs in the country (with the obvious exception of Millwall). It seems that Cardiff needs something to draw it away from the poor reputation it has and maybe this lies in the development of the malevolence side of the Taff. Did this all begin with the fact that not even the Romans thought Cardiff was worth invading? So if Kent is the garden of the UK, does that make Cardiff its compost heap, or am I just a little discombobulated from single handily knocking myself unconscious last week? Don’t get me wrong, I love Cardiff, but I just don’t know why Andy Bladon, confused resident and second year Business Admin.
letter of the week Top-up fees aren’t that bad Dear gair rhydd, With the new campaign being run by our union and the fast approaching march against "top-up fees", I feel it is important to provide an alternative view point, one in favour of fees. The new system is not a "top-up fee"; in fact top-up fees are a myth. What is being implemented in England, and what should also be implemented here in Wales, is a new tuition fee structure. Top-up implies that you pay on top what you already pay. The new tuition fee structure is an increase in the amount of fees we pay. These new fees will not be paid
until after the student has gone to university. You will not have to pay whilst at university. This would give many students the ability to use their loans for other living and course costs, or simply provide enough for most to stay out of their overdraft! Under the new fee structure the government still pays the bulk (£5,000 per student) of the cost. Students will still get up-front help with their fees for the first £1,125, as they do today. A grant will be introduced to the poorest families whose children are going to university (£1,000). Student loans will still exist as they do today (but the Government should look into a way of ensuring all loan are available at the start of term with no delays). The new system will also make universities that wish to increase their fees provide a bursary
to poorer students making attendance affordable to them. It can be argued that the change will increase student debt; however the Students Income and Expenditure Survey (SIES) (2003-03) claims that the students of 2006/07 can expect debt of around £15,000. This is still a lot of money but repayment will be carried out through the tax system and so will be related to earnings. At £12,000 per year today you pay back £3.46: at £15,000 you pay back £8.65. under the new system you pay back nothing at both these levels; at £18,000 today you pay back £13.85: under the new system they will pay back £5.19. Finally, after 25 years your loan is removed regardless if you have paid it all back or not. Lee Gregory
Imagine a world without America Dear gair rhydd, Could we possibly survive without the United States of America interfering, bossing around with our countries’ internal affairs (i.e. China’s human rights), or even threatening those small tiny countries which are so dependent on America (i.e. Taiwan)? I’m not promoting a pro-American sentiment, but would the world be a better place without them? Imagine in a hypothetical scenario some rogue state combined with some terrorists and conducted a unilateral strike (or pre-emptive strike as some would call it) on the United States of America, and succeeded in destroying the entire American Army and obliterated the entire United States of America. Who would we call upon to lead the world? Let’s look at the current super powers in the world (excluding European countries and America). Russia, a poverty stricken country (technically the Russian Army is fighting insurgencies with sticks and stones), and China (do you speak Chinese?). Now, focusing on EU countries; firstly, they can’t even lead a bunch of school kids around the playground. There’s factional fighting between the "old" and the "new" gang and disorder among European States (ie three per cent deficit which you’re not suppose to go over or get fined, which never in fact really happened). Although financially sound, economically so-so, but militarily without the US, I think Russia could have easily invaded Europe with sticks and stones. China could drown Europe without military intervention, with spit contributed from its population. Next of the hit list would be rogue states, and fundamentalists wanting to change the world. Ok, so Osama (in the category as the Taliban) wins in the end, time to destroy the rest of us (probably launch a "jihad" against the whole world, after the Americans are gone) so called "infidels" just because we are different from him (they believe in strict rules, so any other "religion" will be deemed as infidels to them).
text
Iran and Iraq, the so called "axis of evil" if the ideology (Marxist/Stalin) and fundamentalism is your path, these two countries will suit you best provided your prepare to starve to death (as they build their nuclear weapons that cost millions) while crazy dictators rule and work your "nuts" out (forced labour is common in North Korea). Developing and the United Nations; don’t even start with this toothless bunch. They wouldn’t even bother if the whole world should fall off the equator, or the Sun should crash into the world they are living in. So the question is, who do you think is best suited to lead the world? The world won’t automatically be a better place without America Anon. Please email your letters to
grletters@cf.ac.uk corrections and clarifications
The article entitled ‘Cardiff academic warns about taking Prozac’ was incorrect when it said that fluoxetine and Prozac were different drugs. Prozac actually contains fluoxetine, making them the same drug. Ben, fourth year Pharmacy
prizes As always, Letters Desk is pleased to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas
We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.
07791165837
who the hell is vanstone?!?!?!?!?!?!
dickenson for a million squid. what a bobby dazzler
inter me-nan 3... law b 1!! so who the fuck said law were good
chris hilbitch has sampled 4 differet blokes sexwe in the last week, what a guy?!
i love liam
how can you spell UWCM wrong on the front page? how is it possible? how i ask you?!
are emos goths? we wish you a merry xmas we wish you a merry xmas we wish you a merry xmas and a happy pubic hair now, do i have a yoghurt or clean my teeth? i wouls shag the duke david
winky burgers vandals are better than girly lost prophets where has c4 gone from the tv listings? please dont make me buy the radio times
Demo Special
November 29 2004
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gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
“This will be the biggest protest Cardiff has ever seen” ber 2 Your guide to protesting on Thursday Decem By Gary Rees Union President THURSDAY DECEMBER 2 will be the biggest student event that Cardiff has ever seen, as thousands of students from across the UK take to the streets to mix party with politics. This event is going to be an unforgettable experience for those involved and will be a chance for you to be a part of history in the making. If variable fees are introduced then you could be paying up to £3000 a year, but if you join in on Thursday you could not only be part of a fantastic experience, but also play a part in saving the future of Higher Education funding in Wales, and potentially send the thunderbolt message needed, to reverse the already tragic decision that Westminster government have made, by saying yes to top-up fees in England. I cannot stress enough that if we, as students from Cardiff, do not do our bit to support this event then we are missing our last opportunity to
show the Welsh Assembly and the government that a potential £3000 a year more debt is neither wanted or fair. Whether you’re lucky enough to think that top-up fees won’t affect you, or know that top-up fees will end your time at University, there’s reason enough for everyone to get involved. Think about students now, potential students of the future and get involved in a great day for an even b e t t e r cause.
Important Information In order to make the National Demo a safe and enjoyable event we, would appreciate it if you would be aware of the following recommendations: An ambulance will be located at the rear of the demo, to deal with minor injuries. If medical assistance is required for minor injuries, people should wait in a safe place for the demo to pass, so the ambulance can reach them. If medical assistance is required urgently, contact the nearest police officer or steward immediately. People should approach a steward if they require directions to the nearest accessible toilet, pharmacy or food outlet.
Minibuses: March starts: Party begins:
Wheelchair users should be encouraged to bring their own RADAR keys. However, some NUS staff stewards will have access to RADAR Keys. Mobility transport will be provided to follow the demo and take people to Museum Avenue at any point during the demo, or at the end of the rally. Food outlets for refreshments during or after the rally will be in at the Students’ Union. Enjoy the day.
9.30am - 11.30am 11.30am 4pm
PROTEST: Cardiff’s student Cheerleading Society, the Snake Charmers, lend their support to the demo
Five Minute Fun
Page 24
November 29 2004
grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk
?
B: The Egg? C: The KFC family bucket?
The Big Quiz*
3. Which of the following statements is true? A: The average life expectancy of a toilet is fifty years B: Broken clocks are right at least twice a day C: Due to the contraction of metal, the height of the Eiffel Tower depends on the weather D: The average woman consumes 6lb of lipgloss in a lifetime E: 68% of people sur veyed fantasise about someone else whilst having sex F: All of the above
* 100% more fun per square inch than any other quiz
1. Which of the following would win in a fight? A: Vladimir ‘Hardest man in the world’ Putin B: Roy ‘It’s good but it’s not the one’ Walker C: Gar y ‘I’ll beat you to a pulp with gair rhydd - the best student paper ever’ Andrews D: Boris ‘Can’t keep it in my pants’ Johnson E: Jordan
‘She said what?!...’
Hurrah! The all new caption competition. Answers on the back of an email to the usual address. Best one wins the honour of being featured next week.
4. Prince Edward is.... A: Bent as a nine bob note B: Gay as a window C: A lover of ‘man mayonnaise’ D: A delightful and happily married man with an excellent team of legal representatives
2. Which came first....
Annsummers: 1.A, 2.B, 3.F, 4.D
A: The Chicken?
Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant. Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).
Greetings my friends from the headquarter of the country’s best student newspaper (Yup - still milking it). This week has been going surprisingly well although the stress seems to be getting to Dr. Matt, who is muttering something about having a lot of ‘face to spill’. Hurrah, Alvin Lai you’re last week’s crossword winner. Please collect your prize from the gair rhydd office. Also this week I had the exquisite pleasure of seeing the charming Blazin’ Squad switch the city’s festive decorations on. Nestled amongst fifteen-year-old delinquents - what a joy they were to behold. Enjoy the week,
Sarah
in the event of a tie . . .
If you were King/Queen of the world for an hour, what would you do?
Six Degrees of... 1O
2
O
3
O
4O
5
O
6
O
Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in - I’ve slipped in a TV show this week too. No prizes are given for being a smart arse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.
Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Royal Decree: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.
Answer: Jamie Lee Curtis to Michelle Williams (Halloween H2O) to Katie Holmes (Dawson’s Creek) to Tobey Maguire (Wonder Boys) to Kisrten Dunst (Spiderman) to Josh Hartnett (Virgin Suicides)
Television
Novemeber 29 - December 5 2004
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jayisforjamitupme@hesdeadmate.cum
This week’s kings of the TV swingers: Nov 29th - Dec 5th
BJ Harvey
The beast of the East churns up honey for his ‘B!
HOT
TV Desk: For all your music needs contact TV desk. Obscure US indie your thing? Drop TV John a line. Rubbish dadrock? That’ll be TV ‘Wrinkly’ Willy. For any pop-punk princes call TV Andrew ‘Bad’ Manners and finally if you really don’t like U2 get your ears on TV Katie’s level.
SOAPS Watts The Story Den? So, what IS the story then? Could it possibly be true, that after the worlds least meaningful TV comeback since Paul O’ Grady, Dennis “The Penis” Watts, aka ‘Dirty Den’ is finally going to kick the soapy bucket and bugger off to the land of sod for good? Good! Evidently Lesley “Lead Piping” Grantham’s sauce-splattered internet shennanigans providing the weighty mallet to hammer in the rusty haggard nails the scriptwriters propped against his coffin. And the next six months should hopefully tack the lid on, cover the sorry affair in geniune East End concrete, and sink at the bottom of Loch BadIdea. That’s next year though. Until then Eastenders is as dull as dishwasherproof ditchwater, despite Chris Parkers extracurricular insanity.
Here at TV Desk we believe in so few things; ‘Duck off Fees’(!), the abolition of slavery, Bruce Springsteen, that American Idiot by Green Day is the ultimate statement about 21st century life and “bringing down the Bush government by owning a copy of Fahrenheit 9/11”. Of course that’s a lie we don’t really believe in Duck Off Fees (Fnaaaar). What we definitely believe in is the new series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here (ITV1 and 2evermore, evermore). The vultures at our nations finest red-tops have been suggesting that Brian Harvey’s current boo lanky blonde model girlfriend is going to be flown out to the Australian rainforest to satisfy the erstwhile former E17 man’s carnal desires. TV Manners here, coming in your ears. Ok, so i stole that from a show off TV but better that, than taking lines from books or something else totally unrelated to these pages. Which incessant rambling brings me on nicely to my first pick of the week. Now of course it’ll never be as original or as comedically perfect as Phoenix Nights but Max & Paddy’s Road to Nowhere (Friday, C4, 9.30pm) is slowly growing on me (but in no way like that cack band). From last weeks escapades with Charlies’ Anals things can only get better. Peter Kay can seemingly do no wrong at the moment so lets hope he exceeds all our expectations. My second pick has got to be the superb
Channel 4 - An Apology We are sorry Ok guys, so a few of you have had a word with us this week about our lack of Channel 4 or S4C related listings. For ONCE this is not a case of TV Desk trying to be funny. It is a case however, of democracy being exposed for the UGLY beast it truly is. The man that YOU elected as your gair rhydd editor has made a deliberate effort of witholding the TV listings from his maligned TV Desk team. He has them (we think), we want them (you think) and you want them (so says the text in this week’s letters). So in an attempt to redress the balance we want You to run screaming to the Union President in order to get those listings back. Basically guys, it’s not our fault. Get that into your thick heads. And if we can’t? Well then it’s bye-bye blackbird. Yes. Indeed.
Balamory (BBC2, 9am). You may think it’s merely another crappy kid’s TV show but oh no! It’s so much more than that. For hangover TV (at 9am i hear you cry) you can’t beat it. Just watch out for Eadie McCready’s bus. Still haven’t seen Blackpool. Sure it’s great though, but I’ve kind of given up on it now. Send me a postcard. Elsewhere you can catch the action hotting up on The Record of the Year (Saturday, ITV1 5.55pm). Winners in previous years will have seen this hotly fought competition, which has so far only been exclu-
sively won by Boyzone and Westlife, save the Irish year off that was Gareth Gates clogging up the nations phone lines. Hey Gaz, Will may have won Pop Idol, released two critically acclaimed albums and sung on Band Aid, but like, you won Record of the Year with a song that Patrick Vierra could fart and still sell a million and a half copies, and sung with The Kumars. Top whack, buddy. Anyway, god knows what shit-bags are in the running for the hot potato this year, but rest assured, they won’t give a token toss whether the degenerates of East Anglia think they’re above or below the quality of Eric Pridz. Sch-wing! And lastly, but never leastly, it can only be one thing: Hollyoaks (weekdays, 6.30pm, C4.) The Bombhead storyline came to a partial end last week which the rotten (see what I did there?) discovery of Mrs Bombhead in the bedroom. Now he’s in hospital, officially crazy, bless the little’un. Meanwhile, Justin has stolen his Gran’s purse and his stupid imbecile of a mother is still adamant he’s a little angel. Essential viewing. And finally: Part II is Coronation Street (all day, every day ITV1.) Have only just got into this for the awesome scenes with Maya, Sunita and Dev. Maya’s evil, canniving and excellent, the other two are shite but Maya’s evilness makes up for it. Sadly you’ve missed the best scenes, but Tyrone and Maria come back from their hols all loved up awwww!
DVDS TO RENT/BUY A Ticket To Ride! Me All Night Long Anyone who fancies a debate over the merits of Busted in todays musical climate might as well cease reading now. You’re wasting your eyes, you could be reading the sleevenotes to the last Offspring offering, or The Losers Guide to Being Inadequate At Life. In short, you’re shit. But enough hoo-ha-ing about the bigger picture, let’s get down to business. The recent Busted live album, A Ticket For Everyone, which, er, wasn’t very good, is released on DVD on Monday. Having finally got to see the guys (and Matt, who after covering The Clash’s ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ could hack off my arms with a circular saw and then replace them with framed portaits of Anne Boleyn and I’d still try and raise the fleshy shoulder blade stumps in appreciation) live on Tuesday, praise doesn’t come high enough. The tasty trio do their repetoire of awesome tunes, and erm, their cover of Teenage Kicks. For your pleasure. as an added bonus, they also dissed Creation on Tuesday, AND Matt wore eyeliner. SEX.
NOT
NME (Particularly their rubbish Student Guide): Not even the work of exmusic editor Jamie Full’o’shit can save this publication from patronising those with the ability to read. For those who can’t read several pictures of Johnny ‘Paul’ Borrell will suffice.
SPORT There is no sport on this week but I’ve been reliably informed Exeter are playing Doncaster at the end of the week. To be honest, we’re really scraping the barrel for sport this week, and there are about four people who actually care about the Exeter result. I’m not one of them. Sorry.
FILMS If you’ve had a quick flick through the listings this week you may have spotted the film of the month. Enter the Dragon is on Wednesday, (five 10.05pm) and is one of Bruce Lee’s greats (i’m not going to get involved in debates amongst the purists) so you should stay in and enjoy the maitial arts feast that night.
RADIO Now i know this may come as a shock to many of you but there’s this form of music which isn’t in the NME called classical. So with that in mind, listen in to BBC Radio 3 on Tuesday 7:30pm. If you listen in long enough you’ll catch an excerpt from Tristan und Isolde which is earth shatteringly brilliant. Now, normally i find classical radio shows pretty patronising but this programme brings some of the most famous classical pieces all night which is a refreshing change. BBC Radio 2 brings us Masters of Rock, Thursday, 9pm in which Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden fame, traces the evolution of heavy metal. Wait a few weeks till he starts on AC/DC, Saxon and Helloween and i’ll be happy. ‘No stop signs, street lemon, no body’s gonna slow me down. Like a wheel, gonna spin it, nobody’s gonna mess me around’
Monday
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November 29 - December 5 2004
explosivecorrieputs’enderstoshame@truckcamefromnowhere.ow
6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 9.00 Airline. 9.25 Coronation Street. 9.55 Coronation Street. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 11.55 Harry Hill's TV Burp. 0.25 Jerry Springer. Am I really expected to fill all this space writing about these programmes? Seriously, this is becoming such a chore. 1.10 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. I’ve genuinely got nothing of interest to write about. How utterly sad, my life revolves around Neighbours, Hollyoaks and getting a 2:1 in my degree. I’m going out tonight though, and tomorrow - crazy. Look out for exciting anecdotes in next week’s addition of the award-winning gair rhydd. Xpress blagged themselves a few awards last week too, well done you. U2 suck more than something that sucks really, really badly. Fucking overrated cocks. Bono needs a spear in his egotistical brain.
19.00 The Planets Documentary series about the solar system. This programme describes the investigation of weather systems found throughout the solar system. Scientists have discovered sulphuric acid rain and metallic snow on Venus, while space probes have revealed the arid surface and frozen seas of Mars and the mysteries of the gas giant, Saturn. 20.00 The World 20.30 Family Ties 21.00 Mind Games 21.30 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back 22.30 Five Miles High 23.30 Eric Hobsbawm Talks to Kirsty Wark 24.00 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back 01.00 Family Ties 01.30 Mind Games 02.00 Eric Hobsbawm Talks to Kirsty Wark 02.30 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back 03.30 Family Ties 04.00 Close Like with the younger but no more attractive sister BBC3, I bid you goodnight, adieu, farewell, adios, que te folles un pez.
06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Celebrity Addicts 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 24.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 24.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 01.00 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Takeshi's Castle 02.00 Fort Boyard 03.00 House of Games 03.30 House of Games 04.00 100 Per Cent 04.30 Family Fortunes 05.00 Wheel of Fortune 05.30 Teleshopping
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06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The SaveUms! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb (When You're Going to Fly, Fly High) My sentiments exactly. You’ve got to fly high, like the moon - the moon is high. And puffins - they go high. 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trading Spouses 15.30 five news update 15.40 Film: "The Return of Sam McCloud" 17.30 five news Please get C4 for us tonight Gary, I’m lost without it. 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Race for the World's Tallest Skyscraper 20.30 Fifth Gear (Caravan Racing) Ah, you can’t beat a bit of caravan racing. Did you see the caravan conkers on Top Gear? Now that’s what I call sport. Also talks about the ‘enduring appeal’ of the Porsche 911. What? The 911 is such a hairdressers car. Give me a TVR any day. 21.00 Film: "The Order" 22.45 The Sexiest Ads in the World The Lynx advert is my current favourite, that guy is yummy. Do I talk about men a lot? I will contain myself in future. 23.50 Lexx 24.35 NBA Action 01.00 Ironman Triathlon: Hawaii 01.50 NFL Live 05.35 Motorsport Mundial Tonight in the gair rhydd office we’re listening to a selection of tunes rehashed in a jazz format. Nice.
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07.00 Moesha (The Nutty Moesha) 07.30 That 70s Show 08.00 Two Guys and a Girl 08.30 The Wayans Bros 09.00 Date My Sister 09.30 Just Deal 09.55 Jesse 10.20 Britain's Most Embarrassing Parents Ant from Blue presents some of Britain's most embarrassing parents, and helps teenagers to exact their revenge. 10.50 Malibu CA 11.20 The Wayans Bros 11.50 High School Project USA 12.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 12.50 Clueless The lack of Channel 4 listings AGAIN this week is a joke, what’s happening to the world? No we can’t just copy it from Radio Times, would take us fucking ages. People underestimate the ridiculous amount of time we have to spend in this festering office. 13.20 That 70s Show 13.50 Malibu CA 14.20 Just Deal 14.50 New York High 15.20 High School Project USA 15.50 Celebrity Extra 16.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 16.30 My Wife and Kids 17.00 My Wife and Kids 17.30 The Parkers 18.00 Grounded for Life 18.30 Clueless 18.55 Clean n Clear 19.00 Moesha 19.30 Date My Sister 20.00 Malibu CA 20.30 Spider-Man 21.00 Undergrads We’re all twats, let’s face it. 21.30 Celebrity Extra 21.35 The Parkers 22.05 My Wife and Kids 22.35 My Wife and Kids 23.05 Paradise Hotel 24.00 Grounded for Life 24.30 Jesse 01.00 Close
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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Paparazzi Behind-the-scenes documentary series about a top paparazzi photo agency. Tracking down Keira Knightley on a film set, Geri Halliwell on horseback and David Beckham in Portugal. Also, the notorious Prince Harry incident and the privacy laws. 22.00 EastEnders Still wank and far inferior to Corrie. 22.30 New Little Britain 23.00 My Life in Film (Butch and Sundance) 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (Piggy Goes Oink) 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Stanton’s sporting (see what I did there) a rather dashing purple polo-shirt today. Brings out the colour of his eyes. 24.30 Brothel 01.00 Brothel 01.30 Paparazzi 02.25 Dreamspaces 02.55 Liquid Assets: Beyonce's Millions 03.55 Close Good, farewell, adieu, ciao, hasta luego, aurevoir, va te faire fouche.
6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of 6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 Farthing Wood. 6:25 Noah's Island. 6:50 There's a Viking in GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This My Bed. 7:05 Metalheads. 7:20 Metalheads. 7:30 I Love Morning. 11.00 This Morning: Mummy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 I'm a Celebrity Special Junglemania with Peter Andre CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! and Jordan in the studio, and 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Robots. hot gossip from the Aussie out9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly back with Kay Adams. Haven’t seen any of this horrific excuse Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 for TV yet. Have you? Losers. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Yoho Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 Science Clips. Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That 10:40 The Maths Channel. 10:50 English Express. 11:20 House by the Sea. Well I Want That House by the Big Oak Tree See You, See Me. 11:40 See Next to the Lake With the You, See Me. 12:00pm: See Lillipads near the Woods. 2.30 You, See Me. 12:20 Trade Secrets. 12:30 Working Lunch. Steal That Style. 3.00 ITV1 1:00 Numbertime. 1:15 Words Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. 3.20 Engie and Pictures Plus. Phonics: 'Schwa'. Educational entertain- Benjy. 3.30 Atomic Betty. 4.00 ment for five- to seven-year-olds. All Grown Up! 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul Sophie enjoys a fabulous lobster-fishing trip in Jersey, and is O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and on the lookout for words featurWeather. ing the phonic ending 'schwa'. 6.30 ITV Evening News; I’m thick if I can’t think of anyWeather....schwa, SCHWA? thing? 1:30 FILM: Supergirl. I can’t do it! Nope, still no ‘schwa’ 7.00 Emmerdale. words...bear with me. 3:30 Flog 7.30 Coronation Street. It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. Woah, I actually watched 5:15 Weakest Link. this last week, how crazy is 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. Maya? Hollywood scenes 6:30 Strictly Come they were, pure Hollywood. Dancing: It Takes Two. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor 7:00 Britain's Best McDonald. Buildings. Schwa, schwa... 8.30 Coronation Street. 8:00 Mastermind. 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get 8:30 University Challenge. Me Out of Here! 9:00 Dead Ringers. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 9:30 The Kumars at No 42. 2DTV. 11.25 Tony Blackburn's Interviewees are Dermot O'Leary. What a spunk, as Orange Playlist. 11.55 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! my Mum would say. 2.00 UEFA Champions League 10:00 Monkey Dust. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 The Weekly. 2.25 Building the Culture Show. 12:20am: Joins Dream. 2.50 Trisha. 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.10 BBC News 24. Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: 4.35 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Languages and Travel: Real Early Morning News. Chinese. 3:30 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:
06.00 Neighbours 06.30 As Time Goes By 07.10 Yes, Minister 07.50 Doctors 08.25 EastEnders 09.00 The Bill 10.00 Holby City 11.00 Casualty 12.00 Doctors 12.40 EastEnders 13.20 Last of the Summer Wine 14.00 Bergerac 15.00 The Bill 16.00 Holby City 17.00 Casualty 18.00 Bergerac 19.00 Yes, Minister 19.40 Last of the Summer Wine 20.20 The Good Life 21.00 My Family 22.20 The Thin Blue Line 23.00 Game On 23.40 My Family 24.20 My Family 01.00 The Thin Blue Line 01.35 Game On 02.10 Weakest Link 03.00 The Bill 04.00 Where the Heart Is 05.00 As Time Goes By 05.35 Neighbours Lance is finding it hard to adjust to life at university. And Madge's hoop dreams are in jeopardy. Woop!
Your Union
6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Moneyspinners. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt. 12:15pm: European Nightmare. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Steph forces Max to consider other conception options. I suggest copulating with Stu, he’s bound to be virile. Serena's romance appears to be short-lived. Lil finally reconciles with Svetlanka. 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:35 Boo! 3:45 CBBC: Looney Tunes. 3:50 Mona the Vampire. 4:05 Hard Spell Abbey. 4:35 Bring It On. 4:55 Blue Peter. 5:20 Newsround Extra. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Hard Spell. Oh this sounds dire. Eammon Holmes tests the spelling ability of ten kids. Spell ‘dreadful’ you bunch of losers. Hope you get bullied. 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce. 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 Watchdog. 9:00 Spooks. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 George Michael: A Different Life. With contributions from Elton John, Mariah Carey, Boy George, Simon Cowell and Noel Gallagher. What I’ve been waiting for all my life. 11:35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross. 12:05am: FILM: Memoirs of an Invisible Man. 1:45 Sign Zone: Natural World. 2:35 Sign Zone: Too Close for Comfort. 3:05 Sign Zone: Runaways. 4:05 Joins BBC News 24.
Embarrassing Parents My First... Trouble 10.20am five 9.10am
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Blue Peter BBC1 4.55pm
Tuesday
November 29 - December 5 2004
Page 27
getbent@sticktovirginradioyoustuckupprats.net
6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 9.00 Real Crime: Till Death Us Do Part. Yeah, that sitcom was a real crime. 10.00 When Jordan Met Peter. Basketball legend Michael “Space Jam - wasn’t that credible” Jordan, meets Peter Mandelson for mating session in Nicaragua a friendly game of ‘shoot the baskets’ in Philly. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 0.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. 00.30 Jerry Springer. 1.10 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.05 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. How much do odour eaters cost these days? I’ve only got one pair of shoes currently, and it’s looking desperate in terms of their smell, especially as I’m on my feet all day. Help?
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06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 TV Scrabble 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 24.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 24.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 01.00 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Takeshi's Castle
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19.00 Five Miles High 20.00 The World 20.30 Profile: Learned Friends Courtney Cox guides us through a collection of her post-graduate thesis’, and subsequent induction into the Harvard academic hall of fame. 21.00 Israel's Terror Bus The 36A to St Mellons, such are the detours South Wales public transport seem to be taking these days. 22.00 Family Ties 22.30 City of Men 23.00 Film: "Historias Minimas" 24.30 Family Ties 01.00 Israel's Terror Bus 02.00 Profile: Learned Friends02.30 Five Miles High 03.30 Family Ties 04.00 Close So anyway guys, TV John went to see Busted this week, and they were unbelieveable by all accounts. Anyone who says they’re not a proper band, please email to the address above. Thanks!
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in toyland. The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going. The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The SaveUms! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life That of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson. (Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst... Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge. 21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills
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07.00 Moesha 07.30 That 70s Show 08.00 Two Guys and a Girl 08.30 The Wayans Bros 09.00 Date My Sister 09.30 Just Deal 09.55 Jesse 10.20 Britain's Most Embarrassing Parents 10.50 Malibu CA 11.20 The Wayans Bros 11.50 High School Project USA 12.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 12.50 Clueless 13.20 That 70s Show 13.50 Malibu CA 14.20 Just Deal 14.50 New York High 15.20 High School Project USA 15.50 Celebrity Extra 16.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 16.30 My Wife and Kids 17.00 My Wife and Kids 17.30 The Parkers 18.00 Grounded for Life 18.30 Clueless 18.55 Clean n Clear 19.00 Moesha 19.30 Date My Sister You could, if incredibly dull people with no discernable interests or hobbys, has no interest in make-up, thinks Cannonball by Damien Rice is a ‘real tearjerker’ and is doing a masters in sociology. She also phoned my dad up the other week to ask who Ringo Starr was. Go get her boys! 20.00 Malibu CA 20.30 Spider-Man 21.00 Undergrads 21.30 Celebrity Extra 21.35 The Parkers 22.05 My Wife and Kids 22.35 My Wife and Kids 23.05 Paradise Hotel 24.15 Grounded for Life 24.45 Room Ravers Advice and tips on throwing parties to remember. Hopefully party legends Van Wilder and Stifler from American Pie give us some much needed tips. 01.00 Close All the Way
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6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today: Lorraine Kelly 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. Featuring universally awful opera boyband Il Divo, who wasted a perfectly good opportunity to call their album “License to Il” 2.00 I Want That House by the Sea. 2.30 Steal That Style. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. 3.20 Engie Benjy 3.30 Atomic Betty What the hell is this? 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street. 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! I’ve not watched this yet. I like the idea of Huggy Bear though. 10.30 ITV New 11.00 2DTV 11.25 Tony Blackburn's Orange Playlist. Presumably the word “Playlist” in the title here is a typo. I 11.55 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 UEFA Champions League Weekly. 2.25 Building the Dream.2.50 Trisha. 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 4.35 ITV 5.30 ITV Early Morning News. Sleeping With the Light On.
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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Paul and Pauline Calf's Cheese and Ham Sandwich 22.00 EastEnders 22.25 Nighty Night 23.00 Blood on the Turntable 23.55 Brothel 24.25 Brothel 24.55 Paparazzi 01.55 Liquid Assets 02.50 Brothel 03.20 Brothel 03.50 Close I always imagine “close” to be a highly dramatic event, such as a firework display and a brass band trumpeting the arrival of the early hours. At best, I used to imagine a man not unlike Arkwright from Open All Hours flipping over a “we are closed” sign and closing a door. It’s a shame that in reality, all you get are pages from teletext concerning the business news in Taiwan, or how to book cheap flights to Senegal. But you can’t help watching, mmm?
6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Popeye and Son. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Metalheads. 7:20 Metalheads. 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook.8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 Thinking Skills. Think About It: Property. (T) 10:40 The Maths Channel 10:50 Primary Geography 11:00 Around Scotland. Waterways - Work 11:20 Trade Secrets. 11:30 The Daily Politics. 12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:00 Numbertime 1:15 Words and Pictures Plus. 1:30 FILM: The Secret Beyond the Door. 3:00 Charlie's Wildlife Gardens. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 Shooting Stars. 7:30 Guinea Pig Kids. 8:00 Gardens through Time. 9:00 Who Do You Think You Are? 10:00 The Smoking Room 10:30 Newsnight .11:20 Design for Life: Philippe Starck. 11:50 BBC Four on BBC Two: Painting Flowers. 12:20am: FILM: Mother. i2:00 Child 2:30 Junk. TV John’s life process, in reverse across the last three programs there. 4:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 3 You Said No
Two Guys and a Girl Trouble 8am
Your Union
6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Moneyspinners. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt.12:15pm: European Nightmare. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Sindi is shocked by Toadie's online persona. You should know us well enough to come up with your own punchline here. If this is the first time you’ve read TV Desk, Toadie’s internet persona is probably “Fuck Buddy”. 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote.3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News.3:25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder. 3:35 Little Robots. 3:45 CBBC: Looney Tunes. Academy award nominated (you’d better believe it, buster) Roadrunner cartoons. For twenty minutes. That’s more like it. These were always the best Looney Tunes cartoons, I used to hang in there every day and then be disappointed when I got Porky Pig, the bacon-in-waiting shit. 3:50 Mona the Vampire.4:05 Hard Spell Abbey. 4:35 SMart. 5:00 Shoebox Zoo. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Hard Spell. 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Holby City. 9:00 Bears: Spy in the Woods.10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather.10:35 Someone to Watch Over Me. 11:15 FILM: Rambo III. 12:55am: Sign Zone: See Hear. 1:40 Sign Zone: Wildlife on One Sign Zone: Gardens through Time. 3:10 Joins BBC News 24 That’s what I Go to School For.
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06.00 Neighbours 06.30 As Time Goes By 07.10 'Allo 'Allo! 07.50 Doctors 08.25 EastEnders 09.00 The Bill 10.00 Holby City 11.00 Casualty 12.00 Doctors 12.40 EastEnders 13.20 Last of the Summer Wine 14.00 Bergerac 15.00 The Bill 16.00 Holby City 17.00 Casualty 18.00 Bergerac 19.00 'Allo 'Allo! 19.40 Last of the Summer Wine 20.20 The Good Life 21.00 Waking the Dead 23.30 Absolutely Fabulous 24.10 Men Behaving Badly 24.40 Waking the Dead 03.00 The Bill 04.00 Where the Heart Is 05.00 As Time Goes By 05.35 Neighbours Amy is behaving in an annoying manner. Wow, just for a change then. She was SUCH a big ho.
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Wednesday
Page 28
November 29 - December 5 2004
thatpunkshow@hotmail.com
6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 19.00 The X Factor 20.00 21.00 Women Who Kill A crucial insight into June Sarpong who will, sooner or later, murder ‘the saviour of Wales’, that Welsh guy who presents T4. 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 23.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 0.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.40 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Once again, ITV2 prove they are totally devoid of good programming, or originality. Much like the NME, there are a few copies lying around the office and I hate it! The pretentious concept, illustrated adeptly this week by ‘the cool list 2004’ prove just how ashamed you should feel if you do actually buy it. I’m sorry but anyone who worships the Libertines above all others should be taken outside and shot. Any band formed post The Strokes with a name The... don’t deserve the guitars they strum so contemptuously.
19.00 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back 20.00 The World San Dimas High School Football Rules! 20.30 The Book Show: Ali Smith 21.00 Light Fantastic 22.00 Mind Games 22.30 Arrested Development 22.50 The Mark Steel Lecture 23.20 Storyville A spoof, spin-off of Smallville. Read below for the chances of success. 0.20 Light Fantastic Finally, Terry Pratchett’s novel is brought to the small screen. Unfortunately, it’s broadcast on BBC4 so no sane person will ever watch it, because as everyone in the know has realised by now, BBC4 is pretentious drivel. And there are no redeeming programmes. At all. Seriously. Look. 01.20 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back 02.20 Mind Games 02.50 The Mark Steel Lecture 03.20 The Book Show: Ali Smith My big news of the week is that His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman are being made into another ‘epic’ film trilogy. If you haven’t read the books (Northern Lights, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass) then do it now. It’ll change your life, in a good way. 03.50 Close
Enter the Dragon five 10.05pm
6.00 Teleshopping 7.00 Gladiators 8.00 The Crystal Maze 9.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 TV Scrabble Toby Anstis has a new job. 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 0.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 0.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 01.00 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Takeshi's Castle 02.00 Fort Boyard 03.00 House of Games 03.30 House of Games 04.00 100 Per Cent 04.30 Family Fortunes 05.00 Wheel of Fortune 05.30 Teleshopping
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6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Woolamaloo 6.40 Oswald 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Peppa Pig 7.35 Funky Valley 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.35 The Save-Ums! 8.50 Barney 9.10 My First... 9.15 Roobarb 9.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trading Spouses 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: Kojak: The Price of Justice (1987, Crime) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Egypt Detectives 20.00 Killer Crocodile 21.00 Bruce Lee: Martial Arts Superstar Right I’m going to be serious for a moment. You should do the decent thing and watch this because Bruce Lee was a man of legend. No one else has such respect as this man. 22.05 Film: Enter the Dragon (1973, Martial Arts) The best film on this month. I’m not sure if this is the uncut version (that is, with nunchuckas) but nevertheless, a piece of film history you cannot afford to miss. 0.05 Film: The Big Boss Another superb film you must watch. Think of this night as the Bruce Lee marathon. Finally, five have an evening of shows worth watching. History in itself. (1971, Action) 01.45 Snooker World Champions v the Asian Stars 03.15 ITU Triathlon World Cup 04.05 European Drag Racing 04.30 Golf: The Challenge 04.55 Dutch Football Feyenoord v Vitesse Arnhem. Probably shit and a draw.
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7.00 Moesha 7.25 Celebrity Extra 7.30 That 70s Show will never be as good as That Punk Show or even come close. For those who missed the award winning show, well you’ll just have to wait until it arrives on Kerrang. 8.00 Two Guys and a Girl 8.25 Clean n Clear 8.30 The Wayans Bros 9.00 Date My Sister 9.30 Just Deal 9.55 Jesse 10.20 Britain's Most Embarrassing Parents 10.50 Malibu CA 11.20 The Wayans Bros 11.50 High School Project USA 12.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 12.50 Clueless 13.15 Clean n Clear 13.20 That 70s Show 13.50 Malibu CA 14.20 Just Deal 14.45 Celebrity Extra 14.50 New York High 15.20 High School Project USA 15.50 Celebrity Extra 16.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 16.30 My Wife and Kids 17.00 My Wife and Kids Alright, so I’m not married and I don’t have kids. Don’t rub it in. Loser. 17.30 The Parkers 18.00 Grounded for Life 18.30 Clueless 18.55 Clean n Clear 19.00 Moesha 19.30 Date My Sister 20.00 Malibu CA 20.30 Spider-Man Possibly the greatest cartoon ever created? You should drop whatever you’re doing at this time and tune in because it’s (here’s the cliche) a nugget of television history. 21.00 Undergrads 21.30 Celebrity Extra 21.35 The Parkers 22.05 My Wife and Kids 22.35 My Wife and Kids 23.05 Paradise Hotel Is this the tame version of that cess-pit of a film from the creators of Bottom? Avoid then. 0.00 Grounded for Life 0.30 Jesse 0.55 Celebrity Extra 01.00 Close
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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha=horse. She even has a mane and says ‘whinny’ on request. Genius. 10.30 This Morning 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel Des tries to grope Mel but to no avail because Ms Mel is asexual and doesn’t actually respond to any form of foreplay. How else would she have lasted this long with that twat? 14.00 I Want That House by the Sea 14.30 Steal That Style 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy Spaceship Blues 15.30 Atomic Betty 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents are Aliens 16.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill 21.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! If you’ve succumbed to the temptation of watching this tat then you should be ashamed. I’m please to say I haven’t even read an article on this discharge of a show. Go and purge yourself or your sin. (religious types should be good at this). 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Carling Cup Highlights 0.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 02.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.50 The Thrills in Profile and to be honest, nothing too thrilling about this (boom, boom) because, collectively, the band have the personality of plankton. 03.15 Riders and Rich Kids
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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Trauma 20.00 3 Non-Blondes 20.15 Film: Chain Reaction (1996, Thriller) 22.00 Bodies 23.00 Paparazzi 0.00 The Brothel 0.30 The Brothel 01.00 Tower Block Dreams 01.55 Casino 02.55 The Brothel 03.25 The Brothel 03.55 Close You can do me a huge favour this week and go to the Pop Factory Awards 2004 website and vote for Along Came Man in the New Act section. They’re a superb three-piece Welsh punk band who have recorded sessions on Xpress Radio (with me, no less) and are generally great. Check out www.alongcameman.co.uk for free downloads etc. If you do anything today, vote for them because they really deserve to win and it will stop anymore of these cock arsed pop bands gaining more recognition than they deserve. Thank you. For that, TV Desk will grace you wth even more awe inspiring listings and insights into our eventful lives. We’re award winnning too which means we do actually have some influence. Well that’s what I like to think. Relief.
6:00: CBBC: Little Bear 6:25 Popeye and Son 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Metalheads 7:20 Metalheads 7:30 I Love Mummy 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Robots 9:00 Balamory And the award for best children’s show of the moment goes to this show! I’m not even joking or taking the piss. It really is great. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 FILM: One Good Turn (1931) 10:50 Trade Secrets 11:00 The Daily Politics 13:00 Wildlife On Two 13:30 Working Lunch 14:00 FILM: The Dark Mirror (1946) 15:30 Flog It! 16:30 Ready Steady Cook 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 18:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two I’ve never watched this and never will, but that stupid woman’s fringe from the adverts would put any wannabe salsa dancer off for life. That’s my excuse anyway. 19:00 The Mighty Boosh 19:30 The Sicknote Scandal 20:00 Full on Food 21:00 Bodies 22:00 Arrested Development 22:20 The Planets 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 Desi DNA 23:50 FILM: Viva Maria! (1965) 01:45 What the Victorians Did for Us 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 2 04:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 3 What’s the story in Balamory, wouldn’t you like to know? Ah, one of the greats.
Light Fantastic BBC4 9pm
Your Union
6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Moneyspinners 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15 European Nightmare Another one of those ‘what if?’ programmes. This week they look into good ‘ole G. W. Bush’s attempt at becoming President of Europe and fucking things up this side of the pond as well. Let’s be like the Ukraine - revolt! 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBeebies: Chris’s Sing-a-Long Wednesday: Tweenies 15:45 CBBC: Looney Tunes 15:50 Mona the Vampire 16:05 Hard Spell Abbey Didn’t you hate it when kids’ TV shows tried to be educational when you were younger? This is exactly what this show is all about. Boycott it I say. Damn edutainment. 16:35 The Fairly Odd Parents 17:00 Blue Peter 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 Hard Spell 19:30 Airport 19:55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20:00 Family Contract 21:00 One Night In Bhopal 22:00 BBC News 22:30 Regional News and Weather 22:35 Imagine... Beautiful Dreamer: Brian Wilson's 'Smile' 23:55 FILM: The Sunchaser (1996) 01:55: Sign Zone: Full on Food 02:55 Sign Zone: A Year at Kew 03:25 Sign Zone: Everest: The Challenge Yeah, watch a show about Everest, what a challenge. Watch a show about sky-diving, it’s the same.
Bodies BBC2 9pm
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6.00 Neighbours 6.30 As Time Goes By but you’ve got to admit, it goes a lot slower if you ever watch this show. 7.10 Are You Being Served? 7.50 Doctors 8.25 EastEnders 9.00 The Bill 10.00 Holby City 11.00 Casualty 12.00 Doctors I’ve still yet to find a doctors with one of those nympho nurses - you know exactly what stereotype I’m thinking of. Are they a figment of pornographic imagination or are they real? Answers on a postcard (or to the address at the top of the page) 12.40 EastEnders 13.20 Last of the Summer Wine 14.00 Bergerac 15.00 The Bill 16.00 Holby City 17.00 Casualty 18.00 Bergerac 19.00 Are You Being Served? 19.40 Last of the Summer Wine 20.20 The Good Life 21.00 Only Fools and Horses 22.05 Porridge 22.45 Open All Hours 23.25 Jonathan Creek 0.35 Only Fools and Horses 01.40 Weakest Link 02.40 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression 03.00 The Bill 04.00 Where the Heart Is To the left of your ribcage? Bit obvious if you ask me. So don’t. 05.00 As Time Goes By 05.35 Neighbours
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Thursday
November 29 - December 5 2004
Page 29
bastiansprings@lindaleepotter.net
Channel 4 TV Listings 1995-2004 Murdered by Gary Andrews
6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 8.00pm: The Block Australia. (Exclusive to ITV2) And for good reason. 8.50 Dancing in the Street Real Crime: Girlsnatcher Dave Doyle: Sex Pest at large. 10.00 It's Good to Be... Nicole Kidman The word ‘inside’ is missing from this programme title. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! I assume this is the eviction programme or the “celebrities” are becoming more and more forceful. Did anyone see Andre and Price on Skinner last week? What a mess of a mess those two are. It’s not often you hear this, but Dwight Yorke and Dane Bowers are very wise men indeeed. 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 12.30 Jerry Springer 1.20 The IRB Awards Not half as controverisal as as the earlier IRA awards. 1.45 David Letterman 2.40 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live
19.00 Light Fantastic (Let There Be Light) Simon Schaffer presents a series exploring man's fascination with light. This edition reveals the unwitting role religion played in forging our scientific understanding of the properties of light, from the Ancient Greek philosophers to the Roman Church's obsession with Easter. As you can tell, BBC4 is so hard to fill up with inane rambling that we have to resort to using the real listings. Pigs. 20.00 The World Exploring the day's events. What, all of them? 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 My Land Zion 22.00 My Terrorist Much like Tamagotchi, except with less fun and games and more bombing and exploding. 23.00 Pet Sounds Miaaaow, moooooo, honk (A goose). neeeigh, wooof, ribbit, quack, any more? The usual address. 00.00 My Land Zion 01.00 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back Documentary about exLightning Seed, Ian Broudie’s, new solo-career. 02.00 Light Fantastic
07.00 Moesha 07.25 Celebrity Extra 07.30 That 70s Show 08.00 Two Guys and a Girl 08.25 Clean n Clear 08.30 The Wayans Bros 09.00 Date My Sister 09.30 Just Deal 09.55 Jesse 10.20 Britain's Most Embarrassing Parents 10.50 Malibu CA 11.20 The Wayans Bros 11.50 High School Project USA 12.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 12.50 Clueless 13.15 Clean n Clear Unlike anyone who watches this channel. 13.20 That 70s Show 13.50 Malibu CA 14.20 Just Deal 14.45 Celebrity Extra 14.50 New York High 15.20 High School Project USA 15.50 Celebrity Extra 16.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 16.30 Run of the House 17.00 One on One 17.30 The Parkers Sitcom, starring Chelsea reserve Scott Parker, FA Cup Winner Paul Parker, Saxophonis Charlie Parker, Lady Penelope’s driver (AKA Noel Gallagher), Spiderman, McArthur Parker (Troy McLure’s agent), the pen man and the Parker Brotherscreators of Monopoly. 18.00 Grounded for Life Or: What happened to Yasser Arafat 18.30 Clueless 18.55 Clean n Clear 19.00 Moesha 19.30 Date My Sister 20.00 Malibu CA TV John took it to an office straw poll over whether the CA part of the title was always there. He was wrong wrong wrong. 20.30 Spider-Man 21.00 David Beckham Unwrapped 21.30 Celebrity Extra 21.35 The Parkers 22.05 One on One 22.35 Run of the House 23.05 Paradise Hotel 00.00 Grounded for Life 00.30 Jesse 00.55 Celebrity Extra
06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 TV Scrabble 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye Where TV Holly likes to fire her love juices. As oppossed to a dogleg. 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open Poker open. Poker open? Would you like to poker open. That’s the one right there. 00.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 00.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 01.00 Takeshi's Castle
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trading Spouses 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: "Deadly Encounter" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Gary puts his hope in a new witness. And that’s not all he puts in her. Fnaaaaar. 19.00 five news 19.30 Brian Sewell's Phantoms and Shadows 20.00 Film: "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" TV John and TV Willy square off in a boxing match. 22.05 Film: "Marked for Death" A man in a Turkey strip in downtown Sunderland. Actually it’s a stinking Steven Seagal film. There was one of these on last Wednesday. Me and my housemate managed about ten minutes before turning over to Paxman on Newsnight. And no that’s not pretentious, ‘oh we watch Newsnight’ students speaking. Paxman’s face alone is more interesting. 00.00 John Barnes' Football Night TV Desk’s favourite Itchy and scratchy titles: Deaf Comedy Blam, Why Do Fools Fall in Lava?, Skinless in Seattle, In Remberance of Things Slashed, Candle in the Wound, Oesphagus Now, Bleeder of the Pack, Par for the Corpse and finally Scar Trek: The Next Laceration. Genius.
PRIMETIME
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 11.00 This Morning: I'm a Celebrity Special 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Steal That Style 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Fun Song Factory 3.30 Atomic Betty 4.00 Play the Game 4.30 Barking! 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. (Subtitled) Regional news round-up. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale Katie worries about her housing arrangements. I thought she had somewhere to go after doing TV the poor girl. I’d lend her my settee if A) I was nice, and B) If I had a settee. 7.30 Stage by Stage 8.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! More like I’m the Channel 4 listings get me out of here! 9.00 Mine All Mine New comedy set in Swansea, as oppossed to the speech I’m going to make at the reading of the will of my rich Uncle Leonard! 10.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! FUCK OFF! 10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Frank Skinner Show I used to like Frank Skinner until I found out about what he did to that goat 0.00 Soccer Night Every night is soccer night when TV WIliy has a copy of Football Manager 2005 to hand. 0.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! I said FUCK OFF! 2.00 Tony Blackburn's Orange Playlist 2.25 The Paul O'Grady Show 3.15 CD:UK Hotshots.
Deadly Encounter five 3.35pm
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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma Another week of doing TV. OR, discovering the secret identity of your superhero father, being anywhere near the putrid stench of TV John’s feet (his socks say cheesy on them: understatement of the year). What else. Oh, who gives a cuntyfuckerflange monkeys. 20.30 Little Angels Gabbing about God with Reverend Lovejoy. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? 22.00 EastEnders 22.25 Not Under My Roof Unless you’re the owners of the Millenium Stadium in which case anything (including grown men fighting and Robbie Savage) goes. 23.25 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 23.55 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 00.25 Brothel 00.55 Brothel 01.25 Who Rules the Roost? 02.20 Not Under My Roof 03.20 The Magic Number 020523652236652122521478 65544122564458569960254
6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed A young girl wakes up in a bed next to Stig Toftig. 7:05 Metalheads 7:20 Metalheads. 7:30 I Love Mummy 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Robots 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 Emotional Literacy 10:55 Watch 11:10 BBC Primary History 11:30 The Chancellor's Autumn Statement 2:00pm: How I Made My Property Fortune 2:30 Charlie's Wildlife Gardens 3:00 The Winter Flying Gardener Titchmarsh on acid. 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show. 8:00 Natural World Marine biologists in Hawaii enter its eerie world to find out how a freak mutation has become a deadly weapon. AKA TV Willy’s willy goes hula-hula. 8:50 Wild Scotland Not about birds, but a Scottish equivalent of a night on St. Mary’s Street. 9:00 Edge of Life: Is This Baby's Life Worth Saving? If that baby was the young Bastian Springs then no. His incisive pieces about popular culture are no longer what this newspaper wants. 10:00 The Asylum Seeker Paul Boateng 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: FILM: Skin of Man, Heart of Beast Davids Gest, Icke, Starkey and Beckham. 2:00 BBC Learning
Grounded For Life Trouble 6pm
06.00 Neighbours 06.30 As Time Goes By 07.10 Dad's Army 07.50 Doctors Starring Holly Felchingham 08.25 EastEnders Starring Holly Frottingham 09.00 The Bill 10.00 Holby City 11.00 Casualty 12.00 Doctors 12.40 EastEnders 13.20 Last of the Summer Wine 14.00 Bergerac 15.00 The Bill 16.00 Holby City 17.00 Casualty 18.00 Bergerac 19.00 Dad's Army 19.40 Last of the Summer Wine Foggy hits on a car-parking scheme and dreams of the riches that he thinks it will bring. Felch felch felch. 20.20 The Good Life 21.00 The Royle Family 21.40 The Royle Family 22.20 Gimme Gimme Gimme 23.00 Blackadder's Christmas Carol 00.00 The Royle Family 00.40 The Royle Family 01.20 Gimme Gimme Gimme 01.55 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression This week, TV John as Jools Holland “And now, on my right, a man who needs no introduction. Coming all the way from Brisbane Australia, Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Cave!”
Your Union
6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Moneyspinners 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Bargain Hunt 12:15pm: European Nightmare 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 3:45 CBBC: Looney Tunes. 3:50 Mona the Vampire. 4:05 Hard Spell Abbey 4:35 SMart Mark Speight and Kirsten O'Brien turn everyday objects into exciting and easy-to-make sex-toys. 5:00 I Dream 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Steph and Max face the end of their marriage. Surely this can’t be because of Max’s sperm dearth. If so that’s one cruel momma (or not as they case may be!) 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Hard Spell Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwillantysiliogogogoch. 7:30 EastEnders Dennis has a new admirer, Dr Harold Shipman. 8:00 The Dobsons of Duncraig Better than the Cobsons of Cuncraig no doubt. 8:30 To Be Announced Not sure if this is a programme or not, but it’s sure to be thrilling. Maybe the BBC know something we don’t and are saving this half hour space for a funeral or a news flash. Who knows/cares? 9:00 Blackpool 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:20am: FILM: After the Silence 1:55 Sign Zone: Watchdog
Trauma BBC3 8pm
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Friday
Page 30
November 29 - December 5 2004
paperchase@awsomealbum.com
06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 TV Scrabble 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes A collection of hilarious outdoor hijinks and mishaps caught on camera. Fnaaaar. 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 00.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 00.30 World's 01.00 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Takeshi's Castle 02.00 Fort Boyard 03.00 House of Games 03.30 House of Games
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06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald 6.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trading Spouses 15.30 five news update 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow's Judgement Day 20.30 HouseBusters 21.00 House Doctor: 22.05 Film: "The House on Haunted Hill" One of the worst, if not the worst things since the moving image could be captured on film. Laughable yet adequate horror cack renders itself unwatchable by introducing a concept previously unheard of in horror - TRUE evil that has no physical incarnate, just some horrible fog called The Darkness (no relation) which sweeps around. Obviously this is PC Hollywood, so the guy who looks like LL Cool J survives, alongside the attractive female. A hilarious gameshow-themed horror farce remake set in a haunted psychiatrist ward. I saw this the night I insisted people in my block in the first year saw Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I never looked back. 00.00 Film: "Iron Maze" 01.45 Film: "Marriage Acts" 03.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.35 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.40 The Love Boat 04.25 Melrose Place
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07.00 Moesha 07.25 Celebrity Extra 07.30 That 70s Show 08.00 Two Guys and a Girl 08.25 Clean n Clear Suspicious product placement “programme” which in no way disspells the myth that people who watch Trouble are all acne encrusted punks plastered with swelling boils and festering warts, or anything. 08.30 The Wayans Bros 09.00 Date My Sister 09.30 Just Deal 09.55 Jesse 10.20 Britain's Most 10.50 Malibu 11.20 The Wayans Bros 11.50 High School Project USA 12.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 12.50 Clueless 13.15 Clean n Clear 13.20 That 70s Show 13.50 Malibu CA 14.20 Just Deal 14.45 Celebrity Extra 14.50 New York High 15.20 High School Project USA 15.50 Celebrity Extra 16.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 16.30 Run of the House 17.00 One on One 17.30 The Parkers 18.00 Grounded for Life 18.30 Clueless 18.55 Clean n Clear 19.00 Moesha 19.30 Date My Sister 20.00 Malibu CA 20.30 Spider-Man 21.00 No Pain No Gain: Rio Ferdinand No drugs no ban, more like. No face, no alien comparisons more like. 21.30 Celebrity Extra 21.35 The Parkers 22.05 One on One 22.35 Run of the House 23.05 Paradise Hotel 24.00 Grounded for Life 24.30 Jesse With Jesse Wallace, Jesse Spencer, Jessie James and Jesse. 24.55 Celebrity Extra What sort of time is 24.55?
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6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live It’s on all day, like a particularly heavy period. 8.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas Ouch, I’m sorry. Come on Tabby. Do it for the good name of ROCK! 9.30 The Laziest Men in Britain I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if I’m on this in a few years. My belly is rising faster than a morning loaf. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 0.30 Coronation Street 1.00 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 2.00 Late Show with David Letterman 2.45 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Straw Poll time. Favourite Johns in the gair rhydd office: John Leslie (Sports Thom), Jon Anderson-Gladiators (TV John), John Parrot (TV Katie), John Virgo (Sport John), John Fashanu (TV Manners), Jon Bon Jovi (News Will), John Barnes (Dept. Ed. Jim), Little John (News Dave), John Hartson (Editor Gary), John O’Shea (Sub Ken).
Oswald five 6.40am
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6.00 GMTV 8.35 Entertainment Today 10.30 This Morning 11.00 This Morning: I'm a Celebrity Special 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That House by the Sea 2.30 Steal That Style 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Engie Benjy 3.30 Atomic Betty. 4.00 Finger Tips 4.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.30 Best Friends 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Cain gathers some useful information when he discovers Sadie somewhere she shouldn't be. Fnaaaar. Where could that be? Cheeky little munter. 7.30 Coronation Street. BEST...SOAP...EVER. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald I am going to be......Dusty Springfield. 8.30 Airline 9.00 I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Crime Secrets 11.30 Snowdon Mountain Run This sounds like one motherfooooker of a back-aching ball ache. Knobs to that. I’d rather play Champ. 4th in the Prem. Have that disgruntled City fans! 0.00 When Jordan Met Peter. 0.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.55 Entertainment Now! 3.20 Mixmasters 3.45 Beck in Profile Tristan Thomas (Award Winning Editor): “You’re doing gair rhydd, I’m watching John Barnes’ Football Night. There aren’t any winners tonight.”
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6:25 Popeye and Son My friend looks like Woody from this. Fuck awful spin-off, mind. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Yvon of the Yukon. 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 What? Where? When? Why? 10:45 Primary Geography 11:05 Hands Up! 11:20 Primary Geography. Water: Where Does It All Come From? 11:40 BBC Primary History. 12:00pm: FILM: Busy Bodies 12:20 Trade Secrets. 12:30 Working Lunch. 1:30 Seniors Tennis 3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Beg, Borrow or Steal. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 Amateur Boxing: Amir Khan. 7:30 Fighting Talk. 8:00 Hidden Gardens. 8:30 Gardeners' World. 9:00 Empire Warriors. 10:00 QI. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:00 Newsnight Review. 11:35 BBC Four on BBC Two: BBC Four Sessions James Brown Overrated twat who can barely stand on his own two legs these days. 12:35am: FILM: Runaway Daughters. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Special Needs. 4:00 Blast.4:30 Glasgow 1998 - Supporting the Arts.5:00 Global Fantasy 2.
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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass 21.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a 24.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass 24.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass I’ve been doing this for long enough to know this should say Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves With Chris Crudelli, who Holly wants to Dong her Pubic Bell. Just to clarify. 01.00 Brothel 01.30 Outlaws 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.00 Who Rules the Roost? Not me this week. I’ve had to resort to repetitive impressions of Jools Holland for cheap laughs. I’m still mourning the loss of S4C from our listings. I mean, hearing all about Trouble TV is all well and good, but where’s Rownd y Rownd.
Amateur Boxing BBC 11.35pm
Your Union
6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Moneyspinners. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Bargain Hunt. 12:15pm: European Nightmare The Jean-Claude Van Damme story. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors: A Season in Hell. The Southampton FC 20032004 story. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends Friday: Binka. Binka 3:35 The Koala Brothers. 3:45 CBBC: Looney Tunes 3:50 Mona the Vampire 4:05 Hard Spell Abbey 4:35 The Basil Brush Show. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Hard Spell 7:30 Top of the Pops.8:00 EastEnders. Minty drops heavy hints about his birthday. Let’s hope he wiped afterwards, especially on his special day. 8:30 My Dad's the Prime Minister. 9:00 Have I Got News for You. 9:30 Little Britain. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Unfortunately with U2 11:35 Amateur Boxing Unfortunately not with U2 1:10am: Joins BBC News 24 No seriously man, Pete and Carl from The Libertines are so obviously the two coolest people in the word right now - like WOW man, giving hard drugs to kids and relish-stained vests are so, like, NOW.
Trend Trackers BBC2 5.30am
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06.00 Neighbours 06.30 As Time Goes By 07.10 It Ain't Half Hot, Mum 07.50 Doctors 08.25 EastEnders 09.00 The Bill 10.00 Holby City “Holby My Arse” more like. 11.00 Casualty 12.00 Doctors 12.40 EastEnders 13.20 Last of the Summer Wine 14.00 Bergerac 15.00 The Bill 16.00 Holby City 17.00 Dangerfield 18.00 Bergerac 19.00 It Ain't Half Hot, Mum 19.40 Last of the Summer Wine 20.20 The Good Life 21.00 Jonathan Creek 23.00 The Royle Family at Christmas 23.35 Film: "Keeping the Faith" 01.55 The Last Fast Show Ever... Part One Which probably has exactly the same jokes as the first one. 02.45 Weakest Link 03.45 The Bill 04.45 Where the Heart Is 05.45 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression “Alistair McGowan’s Big Impression in his Face Made By Honest License Payers Who Can’t Stand His Smug Brand Of Talentless Comedy”, more like.
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Saturday
November 29 - December 5 2004
Page 31
missedoutondomino’spizza@veggiefascists.urgh
6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 4.55 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas. 5.55 The Block Australia. 6.45 Planet's Funniest Animals. 7.10 The IRB Awards. The Incestuous Rent Boy awards, hosted by Julian Clary and Julian Lloyd Webber. 7.40 Tony Blackburn's Orange Playlist. 8.15 The Xtra Factor. 9.00 Planet's Funniest Animals. 9.30 Movies Now. 9.45 The Xtra Factor Result. 10.10 The Record of the Year 2004: Celebrity Choice. 11.15 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 0.15 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 0.35 Outkast in Profile. They’re both tee-total vegans. How very odd. 1.05 Jerry Springer. Why I divorced my hose. 1.50 Movies Now. 2.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live.3.35 Emmerdale Omnibus. Winifred gets her leg caught in the mangle, Jack realises Geoffrey isn’t all he made out to be, and Peggy finally finishes her crochet willy-warmer.
19.00 A Royal Gala from Wales Millennium Centre Ooh, I just saw the building, looks really cool. I reckon Cardiff will soon become the capital city of Wales. It deserves it. Miles better than Swansea and Port Talbot. 21.00 Film: "Lady and the Duke" (2001, Drama) Starring David ‘Cheap As Chips’ Dickinson as the Duke, and Jade Goody as the Lady. I can’t wait. 23.05 City of Men 23.35 Israel's Terror Bus 00.35 Nigel Kennedy and Kroke at WOMAD 2004 01.35 Luciano at WOMAD 2004 Pavarotti? I certainly hope so. Mum and Dad saw him in Bruges back in the day. All I remember is that they brought me back a bowl of marzipan fruits - awesome! 02.05 A Royal Gala from Wales Millennium Centre 04.05 Close poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo pee poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
07.00 Moesha 07.25 Celebrity Extra 07.30 Moesha 08.00 Clueless 08.25 Celebrity Extra 08.30 Clueless 09.00 Two Guys and a Girl 09.30 Two Guys and a Girl 09.55 Clean n Clear 10.00 That 70s Show 10.30 That 70s Show 10.55 Celebrity Extra 11.00 One on One 11.30 One on One 12.00 Grounded for Life 12.30 Grounded for Life 13.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 13.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air In West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days... 14.00 Two Guys and a Girl 14.30 Two Guys and a Girl 15.00 Two Guys and a Girl 15.30 Two Guys and a Girl 16.00 Two Guys and a Girl 16.30 Two Guys and a Girl 17.00 Two Guys and a Girl 17.30 Two Guys and a Girl 18.00 Moesha 18.30 That 70s Show 18.55 Clean n Clear 19.00 That 70s Show 19.30 The Wayans Bros 20.00 The Wayans Bros 20.30 TV Moments: Eminem 21.25 Celebrity Extra 21.30 Moesha 22.00 Jesse 22.30 One on One 22.55 Celebrity Extra 23.00 One on One 23.30 Damon 23.55 Celebrity Extra 24.00 High School Project USA 24.30 High School Project USA 01.00 Close What the fuck is all this about eh? I was told I was to be a professional journalist by the time I’d finished this year of TV gal. Who lied to me, who was it? Trouble...yeah, I’ll give you trouble.
06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 Gamesmaster 08.30 Gamesmaster 09.00 Fort Boyard10.00 Takeshi's Castle 10.30 Takeshi's Castle 11.00 It's a Knockout 12.00 Don't Try This at Home! 13.00 Creative Power Breaking 13.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 14.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 14.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 15.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes15.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 16.00 Going Straight 17.00 I Dare You 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 Creative Power Breaking 19.30 International King of Sports20.00 Going Straight 21.00 Monkey Business 21.10 US Guinness World Records22.00 PacificPoker.com 24.30 Takeshi's Castle 01.00 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Fort Boyard 02.30 Don't Try This at Home! 03.30 House of Games 04.00 House of Games 04.30 Gamesmaster 05.00 Gamesmaster 05.30 Teleshopping
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards Today Russell’s in Dover in Delaware. “Hi, I’m in Delaware. It’s great.” 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away 10.00 Hercules: The Legendar y Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour America 11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Char t 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 Film: "Kelly's Heroes" (1970, War) 17.35 Film: "The New Swiss Family Robinson" (1998, Adventure) 19.25 Charmed 20.15 five news and spor t 20.35 The Dead Zone Yasser Arafat, Christopher Reeve, The Pope. Whoops bit early on that one, think he’s in next week’s episode. 21.30 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.25 Murder Prevention Don’t go to Grangetown in a skir t. In fact, don’t go to Grangetown. 23.25 Film: "Runaway" (1984, Science Fiction) 01.20 Law and Order 02.20 Film: "China Dream" (1998, Action) 03.55 Shor t Stor y Cinema 04.20 The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters Uncles, Aunts, Grannies, Grandpa’s, Step-sisters, Third cousins twice removed, and your Mum. 05.35 Sons and Daughters See above.
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19.00 Little Angels 19.30 3 Non-Blondes Possibly the worst programme ever on TV, even worse than An audience with Rod Stewart. Three women devoid of any fun, humour or original ideas. Maybe they’ll appear in next week’s dead zone. Mmmmmm....... Dead Zone. 19.50 Film: "Chain Reaction" (1996, Thriller) “ Get in the Middle of a Chain Reaction” LALALALALA!!! Hope it’s the musical version. 21.30 Spooks 22.30 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody Who would have thought that Freddy Mercury was gay, he always appeared so manly. WHAT! Liberace too! I just can’t comprehend this! 23.30 Liquid Assets 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody When Freddy died, my friend told me he died because he was gay. I had no idea what being gay meant so I just rebuked her for the hell of it. 02.25 Liquid Assets 03.25 Anna in Wonderland 03.55 Close
6:00am: Breakfast. This morning I had a bowl of fruit and fibre and half a cup of tea as i ran out of time. I had a later breakfast at 1.30, which was poached eggs , three rashers of bacon and two pieces of wholemeal toast. My first ever poached egg success. Well, semi-success, they looked a little odd, and flat. I followed the Delia recipe, she said she’d never had any problems. Liar. 9:00 Weekend 24. 10:00 Saturday Kitchen. 11:30 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross.12:00pm: See Hear. 12:45 Racing from Chepstow and Haydock. 12.55 Jack Brown Bookmakersâ H'cap Chase. 1.25 Ladbrokes.com H'cap Hurdle. 1.55 John Hughes Rehearsal H'cap Chase. Haydock: 1.10 Gordon Plant Memorial Trophy H'cap Chase. 1.40 totesport H'cap Hurdle. 2.10 Tommy Whittle Chase. Chase me, chase me lisped camp Tommy Whittle. 2:25 The Rockford Files. 3:15 Monk. 3:55 The Return of Sherlock Holmes. 4:50 Seniors Tennis. Did you ever play tennis against your Gran? In the garden? Damn woman always won on the tiebreak. 6:00 What the Papers Say. 6:10 Porridge. 6:40 Flog It! 7:40 Fred Dibnah Tribute. 8:40 Timewatch. 9:30 FILM: The Pledge. 11:30 FILM: Sweet and Lowdown. 1:00am: Fallen Angels. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone Special Needs. Special people are great. Expecially when they lick windows. My Mum says I’m special. 4:00 Blast. WHAM, SMASH, KAZAMM, BANG, BASH, BISH, BOSH, A WOP BABBA LUBA WOP A WOP BAM BOO!!!
M u rder Prevention five 10.25pm
06.00 Charlie's Angels 07.00 Doctor Who 09.00 Dad's Army 09.40 Dad's Army 10.20 Dad's Army 11.00 Dad's Army 11.40 Dad's Army 12.20 Dad's Army 13.00 Dad's Army 13.40 Dad's Army 14.20 Dad's Army 15.00 Dad's Army 15.40 Dad's Army 16.20 Dad's Army 17.00 Dad's Army 17.40 Dad's Army 18.20 Dad's Army 19.00 Dad's Army 19.40 Dad's Army 20.20 Dad's Army 12 hours of fantastic telly. For an octagenarian. 21.00 Only Fools and Horses 22.05 One Foot in the Grave 22.55 Have I Got News for You 23.35 Room 101 24.15 Only Fools and Horses 01.20 One Foot in the Grave 02.05 Have I Got News for You 02.40 Room 101 03.15 Birds of a Feather f03.50 Charlie's Angels 04.45 It Ain't Half Hot, Mum 05.25 It Ain't Half Hot, Mum
Your Union
6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles. 6:20 Fimbles. 6:40 The Story Makers. 7:00 CBBC: Astro Boy. 7:20 The Mummy. The Maze. 7:45 Arthur. 8:10 Taz-Mania. 8:35 The ScoobyDoo Show. 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday. 12:00: BBC News; Weather. 12:10 Football Focus. 1:00 Grandstand. 1:05 Seniors Tennis.2:30 Around the Grounds. 2:40 International Rugby Union. Kick-off at 3.00. 3:45 Football HalfTimes. 3:55 International Rugby Union. Barbarians v New Zealand. 4:50 Final Score. 5:25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 5:45 Can't Sing Singers. Then why are you on TV you twats. Get off, now. What? Oh, shit, it’s Madonna. And before you even think about writing in complaining that Madonna can actually sing - don’t, you’re wrong - she can’t. Ever. 6:35 Strictly Come Dancing. 7:40 National Lottery Wright around the World. 8:20 Strictly Come Dancing. 8:40 Casualty. 9:30 Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand. 10:10 BBC News; Weather. 10:30 Match of the Day. 12:30am: FILM: National Lampoon's Dad's Week Off. (1996) 2:10 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross. Guests include Little Britain comedy stars Matt Lucas and David Walliams, and there's an exclusive interview with U2, who also perform two tracks from their new album How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. What a fucking delight. I for one will be staying in tonight. I love U2, they are really innovative. And great. Bono is so truly kind and caring. 3:10 Top of the Pops. 3:40 Joins BBC News 24. Featuring reports on meerkats, the coolest cat of them all. There’s a Sheffield DJ called DJ Meerkat, He must be a cool DJ. Right, I’m done, off home to my big double bed, BYEEEE!
Special Needs BBC2 2am
PRIMETIME
Record of The Year ITV1 5.55pm
Seniors Tennis BBC2 4.50pm
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Sunday
Page 32
November 29 - December 5 2004
desperate@anyone_with_a_pulse.co.uk
6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 10.30 The X Factor 11.35 The Xtra Factor 12.20 The X Factor Result 13.00 The Xtra Factor Result 13.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.25 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.50 The X Factor 19.50 The X Factor Result 20.30 The Record of the Year 2004: Result What’s the point in these useless shows? The only people who vote are adolescent girls and the results give bands like Busted and McFly this false sense that they actually bring something worthwhile to people’s musical lives. 21.25 The Record of the Year 2004: Celebrity Choice 22.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! Yeah you can demand it by saying, ‘I want it now!’ but we’re still going to leave you there. Deal with it. 23.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live! 0.35 Coronation Street 01.05 The Frank Skinner Show 02.05 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus It’s strange how there are an abnormally large percentage of lesbians on the farm...sex sells?
19.00 The DVD Collection Mine is very well endowed. Come and see if you want. 19.30 Mind Games 20.00 Lightning: Nature Strikes Back 21.00 The Pedants' Revolt BBC4 is full of typo’s today. This is clearly meant to read The Peasants’ Revolt (which as any history student would know was in 1388. Yeah, ok, sad I know) which would make this show about language so much better. 21.30 RFK Again, BBC4 should hire better proof readers. This show about JFK has been rendered useless by the stupid (posh) BBC4 people. They should hire me, I’d bring back the golden age of television with a schedule full of Thundercats, MASK, Pugwall’s Summer, Transformers and The Littlebits. Everyone would love that channel and the ratings would be through the roof. Why oh why do they never listen to us? 23.25 Film: A Summer's Tale (1996, Drama) 01.15 The Pedants' Revolt 01.45 RFK Just in case you missed the show four hours ago, you can stay up and watch it. Well that’s my early Monday morning sorted then.
Natural Born Racers five 11.55pm
6.00 Teleshopping 7.00 Gladiators 8.00 Gamesmaster 8.30 Gamesmaster 9.00 Fort Boyard Celebrity Special 10.00 Inside the Fort: The Making of Fort Boyard 10.30 Fort Boyard 11.30 Fort Boyard Takes on the World 12.00 Fort Boyard 13.20 Fort Boyard 14.20 Fort Boyard Takes on the World 14.50 Fort Boyard Celebrity Special 15.50 Fort Boyard 16.50 Monkey Business 17.00 Fort Boyard Takes on the World 17.30 Fort Boyard 18.30 Inside the Fort: The Making of Fort Boyard Alright what’s happened to Knightmare? 19.00 Fort Boyard 20.00 Fort Boyard 21.20 Fort Boyard Takes on the World 21.50 Monkey Business 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 0.00 US Poker Championship 2003 01.00 Fort Boyard 02.00 Fort Boyard Takes on the World Hate to ruin it for you but they lost. 02.30 Fort Boyard Takes on the World 03.00 Inside the Fort: The Making of Fort Boyard 03.30 House of Games I want a coin-op arcade machine. Buy me one? 04.00 House of Games 04.30 Gamesmaster 05.00 Gamesmaster
6.00 WideWorld 6.25 A House That's Just like Yours 6.50 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.15 Milkshake! 7.20 Peppa Pig 7.25 Funky Valley 7.40 Make Way for Noddy Noddy and co. go out at the weekend on the pull and Noddy manages to leave the club with two feisty Care Bears, but the evening goes tits up when they find a steaming turd on the doorstep of Noddy’s playboy palace. The bears leave and Noddy is left frustrated and fuming. 7.55 The Book of Pooh 8.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 9.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Billie, Girl of the Future 11.35 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Liverpool: City of Poets Haha! Good one! Oh wait, it’s not a spoof... 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Film: Juggernaut (1974, Thriller) 15.50 Film: Columbo: Candidate for Crime (1973, Crime) 17.40 five news and sport 17.55 Film: Miracle on 34th Street (1994, Drama) 20.00 Britain's Worst... Neighbour 21.00 Film: Street Fighter (1994, Adventure) The first time I saw this I was twelve and someone at school had it on pirate. You’d think that since he’d gone to all that effort it would be a good film. To be honest I’d rather have my bollocks removed with a rusty spoon than have to watch through this again. 23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 Natural Born Racers 0.25 Ironman Triathlon 01.15 NFL Live Jacksonville Jaguars v Pittsburgh Steelers 04.30 Portuguese Football Sporting v Moreirense. Don’t ask me why I leave this in.
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7.00 The Wayans Bros 7.30 The Wayans Bros 8.00 Playing Tricks 8.30 Grounded for Life 9.00 One on One 9.25 Clean n Clear sponsered by that spot cream stuff...the name escapes me... 9.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 10.00 Ride with Funkmaster Flex 10.30 Ride with Funkmaster Flex 11.00 Takeshi's Castle 11.30 Sweat 12.00 Playing Tricks Wow a fun new channel for TV Desk to get it’s teeth into. 12.30 Clean n Clear 12.35 All Access: How the Stars Get Hot 13.30 All Grown Up: All Access 14.25 Hot Couples: All Access 15.20 Celebrity Extra 15.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 16.00 One on One 16.30 Clueless 16.55 Clean n Clear 17.00 Jesse 17.30 Jesse 18.00 Moesha 18.30 Moesha 18.55 Celebrity Extra 19.00 Grounded for Life 19.30 Two Guys and a Girl Yep, just as I expected, Trouble showing porn before the watershed. I bet the girl doesn’t mind though cos I’d imagine the guys would be well equiped to satisfy her every need. Good viewing for us as well. 19.55 Celebrity Extra 20.00 World B Boy Championship 20.30 Spider-Man 21.00 Damon 21.30 Ride with Funkmaster Flex No because you sound like a twat and to top it all, you think you’re cool. But you’re not. Resist the four letter word urge! Oh canute. 22.00 Ride with Funkmaster Flex 22.30 Sweat 23.00 World B Boy Championship 23.30 Michael Owen... Close Up Tricks
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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Diggin'it 8.25 Up on the Roof: Including Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Totally Spies. 9.25 Finger Tips 9.35 Art Attack 10.00 Scary Sleepover 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 Faultlines 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.20 FILM: The Great Locomotive Chase (1956, Action) Well this film isn’t going to even begin because the trains will of course be late. Central trains should be fucking banned. Losers. 15.55 Oliver Twist 17.55 The Unforgettable Frankie Howerd 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Evidently this has been great according to the rest of TV Desk. I can’t comment cos I’ve managed to avoid this dull soap since, well ever. 20.00 The Royal 21.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! This week a swarm of black scorpions finds it’s way into camp and kills every last one of them. Shame. 22.30 ITV News 22.45 The South Bank Show 23.45 Sex and Religion Chastity is not an option, you’ll hate yourself in the long run. Go and fucking enjoy your libido while you can! Seriously, God has a lot to answer for. Or else the Pope. Cunt. 0.35 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 02.00 Trisha 03.15 Today with Des and Mel 04.10 ITV Nightscreen
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19.00 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody Oh please. This can’t be a serious schedule. What did Sunday do so wrong to be blighted with BBC3? Come on, someone must know someone who knows someone who can knock off the programmers of this awful channel? Answers on a postcard. 20.00 Who Rules the Roost? 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Little Britain 22.00 Little Britain 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Little Britain 0.00 Little Britain 0.30 Little Britain 01.00 Nighty Night 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 The Story of Bohemian Rhapsody 03.25 Three Investigates: Phone Masts 03.55 Close Well I’ve managed to listen to the whole of Tsunami Bomb’s album The Ultimate Escape and now i’m on to the life changing album by The Rocket Summer, Calendar Days. If you do anything worthwhile today, go and buy this superb album because you’ll become a better person for it. Trust me. When have I been wrong before? Well?
6:00 CBBC: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:10 How I Made My Property Fortune The Bo Selecta spin-off looks into how Mr Craig David made his money. Lucky he can sing... 12:40 The Flying Gardener 12:50 Shoebox Zoo 13:15 Shoebox Zoo 13:40 Match Of The Day Live: FA Cup 2nd Round Hinckley Utd against either Brentford or Bristol City. 14:55 Nick Baker's Rhinos 15:25 Seniors Tennis Another afternoon of cutting edge sport courtesy of the BBC. I’m surprised the yoghurt knitting liberals haven’t jumped on the name of this show claiming ‘Senior’s Tennis’ is demeaning to ‘the older generation’. Let’s hope they choke on their yellow bellies. 18:00 A Wild Spring Day 18:40 Natural World 19:30 Every Home Should Have One To be honest, the only thing you need is a PS2 with a copy of gta San Andreas. I’m slowly becoming addicted. It can’t be good for my health. 20:00 Top Gear 21:00 Mastermind: Grand Final 22:00 Have I Got News for You No, it’s been a wholly uneventful week. 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:15 Fighting Talk 23:45 FILM: Looking for Richard Well don’t look at me I ain’t fucking seen him. 01:30 Fallen Angels 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Get Confident: The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself 02:30 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Talking with Others 04:00 Confidence Zone 1 05:00 Confidence Zone 2
Spiderman Trouble 8.30pm
Your Union
6:00 Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 Down to Earth 11:30 Countryfile 12:30 The Politics Show No wonder voters are so apathetic with this crock o’ shit show. 13:30 EastEnders 14:55 Match Of The Day Live: FA Cup 2nd Round Hinckley Utd against either Brentford or Bristol City. Wait a minute... what’s on BBC2? 16:10 EastEnders 16:40 Keeping Up Appearances 17:10 Lifeline Ten minutes of hardcore porn. The BBC have finally realised that this is the only way they can keep people watching the obligatory wank Sunday schedule. I think I’ve seen this scene before and lucky for us, there’s a double entendre involved. I’m positively creaming myself with excitement. 17:20 Songs of Praise 17:55 Fungus the Bogeyman 18:45 Antiques Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 Hard Spell Harry Potter has difficulty with some of his wizardry work and as a result drops out of Hogwarts and becomes one of those skanks begging on the side of a street in north London. At least that brings an end to the books. 21:00 North and South 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 FILM: The Beach Don’t watch this awful film with Mr Pretentious. The French girl is quite attractive but that in no way makes the film in any way worthwhile. Argh! 0:10 The Sky at Night Is black with little, twinkling stars in vast swathes across the horizon. Ahhhh see I could be one of those English graduate people. 0:55 Joins BBC News 24 and still no one wants to watch.
Gamesmaster Challenge 8am
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Film: The Beach BBC1 10.15pm
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6.00 Charlie's Angels 7.05 Doctor Who is kinda crap. Well I don’t like it. 9.00 Butterflies 9.40 Butterflies 10.20 Butterflies 11.00 Goodnight Sweetheart 11.40 Goodnight Sweetheart 12.20 Goodnight Sweetheart I shit you not, these are all the same episodes just incase you missed the first three. 13.00 The Good Life 13.40 The Good Life 14.20 The Good Life 15.00 Butterflies 15.40 Butterflies 16.20 Butterflies 17.00 Goodnight Sweetheart 17.40 Goodnight Sweetheart 18.20 Goodnight Sweetheart 19.00 The Good Life 19.40 The Good Life 20.20 The Good Life 21.00 Sharpe 23.05 One Foot in the Grave 23.45 The Thin Blue Line 0.25 Sharpe 02.15 Men Behaving Badly This episode is entitled ‘drunk’. Isn’t that the basis of every episode? Another repeat then. 02.50 Men Behaving Badly 03.25 Birds of a Feather 04.00 Charlie's Angels 04.55 It Ain't Half Hot, Mum 05.25 Alistair McGowan's Big Impression 05.35 Neighbours Great! Catch up with the whole gang! About five years ago.
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Gair Rhydd Problem Page
November 29 2004
The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.3 WEEK 2
Dr. Matthew grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - Brych! Brych! Brych! Brych! Brych!
Mouse: Dead Or Alive? Dear Dr. Matthew, I am writing to you with a domestic problem; we appear to be sharing our house with a mouse. It is not an offen-
Phil’s shuttle was now well in orbit above the moon. Edd the Duck had told him to go there, and so he did.
Page 33
sive guest but arguments have arisen as to what to do about it. Some of the house believe we should hunt it down and kill it. Others want to catch it and keep it as a pet. One of my housemates wants to catch it and then release it three miles away so it can continue to live its life peacefully, just not in our house. I am quite happy to carry on living with it as we do now but this small-statured guest is causing big problems in the house. Is there a compromise? What would you do? Yours, A mouse-spotting 3rd Year. I would without doubt and jury have it executed at dawn. No
compromises there, except in special circumstances, like "Matt, Matt, I’ve got no vegetable stock left." In which case, it would swiftly find itself swimming with some mushrooms and maybe a carrot. TAKE THAT, animal-rights activists, you bunch of lunatic Enron-Suicide-Bombing, DINGHY USING, tanker-usurping COMMUNISTS! Er. Well, catching it isn’t half as fun as not catching it. The only mouse I’ve ever seen was quite convincingly flat, and didn’t even have any blood around it. I was ever-so-slightly perturbed by the bike tread in its torso, more so because powers of deduction led to MY BIKE. I was framed though; I only ever exterminated woodlice as a child. I had a hamster but he did Something Bad whilst wandering haplessly on an ironing board. I was quite fond of the chap actually; he taught me to love. Some might say there is a compromise, but they are probably
vegan. A mouse is a mouse is a mouse is a mouse (and have you ever fully understood the concept of doing that in prose? Nor me, it just sounded dynamic), unless it is a mouse which has shat everywhere (see: soup) and so let it live, they’re pretty inefficient at eating things bigger than them, so maybe they’ll become extinct soon, in which case you won’t have the predicament of Mouse-Politics (perhaps if people were extinct, we wouldn’t have to have politics?) and you certainly wouldn’t have a load of animal-rights activists SHIFTING THE PROBLEM TO SOMEONE ELSE’S FUCKING HOUSE. Three miles? Up yours. As for pets, well, they’re a load of bollocks too, what do they do? Stare at you and squirt shit everywhere, that’s what. THEN they have the audacity to DIE and expect a FULL BURIAL? Animals. What a waste. Matthew.
Dissertation Grief Dr. Matt, Phil set off to the moon’s surface (with a Big Mac to eat when he got there). He rather enjoyed being in space, it made him feel serene.
I am having a woeful time with my dissertation. It seems like every time
I think about it, I remember that I have barely made any progress. When it pops in my head, it's like I’ve just walked round a corner and been chinned by Mike Tyson for 'looking at him funny'. The main problem is I have been ordered by my tutor to complete a 'literature review' by Xmas, which is fair enough, but I am worried what will happen if I can't do it. Maybe he will chin me. Or sandpaper my nads until I promise to submit it by 4pm the following Monday afternoon. Am I a pleb? Please help me forthwith. A student (in Cardiff)
Phil’s Big Mac disappears as he forgets there is NO SUCH THING AS GRAVITY, even though there is a little bit. Phil walks on to explore.
Sometimes it is absolutely crucial that you do things. Most of the time it is imperative, approximately to the point where if you DON’T do something, you may regrettably incur some kind of compound fracture.
I’m not certain how but it doubtless has something to do with a high-up skylight and an angry bishop. Speculation would imply something crucial that you didn’t do for said bishop, especially if you are 11 years old. Prior to being knighted as a doctor, (which was itself a lengthy process and involved three fake passports), I too had to do a dissertation. Being the age I was (six), I did not have the entirely comprehensive knowledge of How To Solve Problems that I now do, yet had already learnt how to poo standing up. You see, the main thing with my dissertation was that it was a systematic analysis of How To Poo Standing Up, which in fact DID contribute to the field of How To Solve Problems. In this time, a particular case study arose wherein a young lady could not sit down to have a poo, as she had, well, haemorrhoids. And thus, standing up to poo would unreservedly Solve A Problem – somehow. The point is, my literature
review was basing itself on research (and therefore literature) not yet carried out and inherently (therefore) I did not actually do a Literature Review. Furthermore, I was the only person in history to add to such a scientific body of work (which obviously, at the time, did not exist), and (therefore) passed my dissertation by marking it myself. I also managed to destroy the entire Western hemisphere’s populace of Preparation H. This is the same logic that I applied to my PhD in Eating Bananas And Swearing At Fat People. So, young student of the daytime, conceivably you could quit university, make up a dissertation that could Solve Problems Somewhere and then email me your work. I would quite cheerfully give you a doctorate for it too. This way, you would not be a plebeian (you wouldn’t even be a fat fucker), and you could even learn to Poo Whilst Standing Up. Essentially: rotten biffs to your dissertation supervisor. Matt
Nightline : 029 2022 3993: A non-judgmental, friendly and confidential ear. Phil discovers MICHAEL WINNER’S SECRET MOON BASE. Phil is enraged, remembering the helicopter bomb! Edd the Duck has set him up!
Concludes next week...
Hello, encore un fois. Keep sending your problems to the address at the top of the page, first person to get the word wins a fifty-pence cheque, which I have post-dated and stamped with the official stamp of The Guild Of Agony-Aunts. This money can then be used to buy five 10p mix-ups , two 20p mix-ups and a subsiduary 10p mix-up, or perhaps even two Sherbet Dips and the remainder of the change on some white-chocolate mice. My mother is NOT for sale, I apologise, if she was, you would certainly be entitled to win her. So yes, keep having problems and keep letting me know, I shall continue to make things alright for people so that one day I might obtain the Nobel Peace Prize and then decline on moral grounds up to and including the heinous murder of sheep across the land by those fucking tractor affairs. Have a nice week. BOOM-BOOM!
HELLO What on earth could be worse than finding a pip in your last segment of tangerine? Well, I’ll outline a few, although they won’t be especially obvious (death, I suppose, is pretty bad). In fact I’ll outline one – being knocked out, having a confederate flag wrapped around your head, and being subsequentlyshipped in to an anti-war protest, looking resplendent with a T-shirt that says "Bomb Iraq!" What I’m almost getting at is that there is no need to fear a year of hard work, for it is merely that: hard work. It does not require the requisite panicking, just a rationale that goes something like "Hello there, Mr. Brain, shall we stop worrying and eat some more pasta?". Simple really. Or not, although in other news we won Best Newspaper. I was in fact in a bunker thinking about How To Start Another Cold War, and so neglected to mention that I could well be the only Phil Collins fan to ever win something (as convoluted and as tenuous as your mother is). And thusly, Phil Collins is successfully and resolutely the Only Tory To Ever Be The Best in a student paper. A win, therein. All of which adds up to one fundamental thing: more tangerines. What else shall we discuss today? Well. I don’t know actually. It’s not as if I’m ever going to write something worthwhile, so perhaps if you carry on reading you’ll be able to find your own meanings in every word. You could do some acronyms - so maybe if acronym was an acronym, it would be “A carriage rightfully owned never yields mortars.” Or you could go a little further and attempt to annihilate the seagull demographic of Cardiff. Fuckers, they are, particularly when flying low. I witnessed an affront to my shoes the other week as a low-flying seagull executed a napalm attack a few metres in front of me. Suffice to say, they are gay.
Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Still no internet access? 0800-STILLNOHALF-LIFE2 Vladimir Putin IS the hardest man EVER- 0800-TRUE You’re cool really Jules 0800-I’MSORRY
Listings
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November 29 2004
grlistings@cf.ac.uk
AIDING AN IMPORTANT ISSUE A huge top-up fees protest will happen in Cardiff on Thurs 2nd Dec with students from across the country coming to add their voice. Go and join in the fun but be sure to have added your support to plans for World AIDS Day on Wed 1st Dec (see No. 1 below). HIV/AIDS is a global emergency claiming 8000 lives a day in some of the poorest countries in the world. Faced with such tragedy, the issue of tuition fees simply doesn’t compare.
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World AIDS Day HIV/AIDS Benefit Concert
@Seren Las, Students’ Union Wed 1st Dec / 8pm - 1am / £2
ednesday 1st Dec is World Aids Day and People and Planet, fine folk that they are, have organised a benefit concert for the evening that will take place in Seren Las on the 1st Floor of the Students’ Union. All money taken on the night will go to ‘AIDS Challenge Youth Club, Uganda’. HIV/AIDS is without doubt one of the most devestating and destructive problems facing the world today. More than simply a disease, it destroys lives, families and communities. The statistics are absolutely shocking, even for those disinclined to put much faith in statistics. 40 million people around the world are HIV positive with some 25 million of those from SubSaharan African. In 2003, there were 5 million new infections 700,000 of them children under 15.
In 2003, there were 3 million AIDSrelated deaths and 2.5 million children under the age of 15 living with HIV/AIDS. While one aspect of the night is to help people recognise the significance and the magnitude of the AIDS epidemic, another is to have a bloody good time. The night will be kicking off at 8pm and will feature live music from Blue Attic, Every Man Jack, and Nico as well as various DJs keeping things fresh. The names ‘Every Man Jack’ and ‘Nico’ will no doubt be familiar with those who keep an ear to the ground of the Cardiff music scene. The name ‘Blue Attic’, however, will probably be new to most. A seven-piece band including featuring two singers and with repertoire that includes the likes of Mustang Sally and Sweet Home Chicago, they should be cooking up a storm
on the night. Coming to Seren Las on Wednesday off the back of a fabulous gig at The Toucan recently, and playing a heavy, rowdy, Blues Brothers style of danceable, soulful blues, Blue Attic won’t be unknown on the Cardiff scene for long. A number of other societies are supporting People and Planet with the event, most notably the Live Music Society and LGBT and the night sounds like its going to be a real corker. However, the real measure of success for them will be how much money they raise on the night to pass on to their chosen AIDS charity. So get yourself down there and support the cause. It’ll be cheaper than cheap at £2 to get in. But fear not, I have it on good authority that there will be opportunity to donate more on the night for those who wish to.
2
IndieSoc Presents
@The Toucan
Tues 30th Nov / 8.30pm / £4,£3
T
he student music scene in Cardiff really seems to be gaining ground at the moment with more and more student music society nights cropping up and passing off successfully of late. And now IndieSoc (that’s Cardiff University Indie Society to you and me, pal) are responsible for a very tasty-looking event coming up this Tuesday (30th Nov). Happening at The Toucan (situated on St. Mary’s Street), which is a good thing in itself, the night will see, People In Planes, Halflight, and The Experiment take to the stage. With the diverse influences of the Experiment creeping to the surface of their music, the emotive singing of Halflight’s, Sarah
3 A
Howells, and the psychedelic edge of People In Planes (formerly Tetra Splendour), the night covers an impressive range of sounds within that vast genre of music commonly known as ‘indie’. My tip for the night would be to make sure you catch Halflight’s set. I’ve been hearing very good things and the right people seem to be expecting big things of them. Who knows how long you’ll be able to see them in this kind of setup (i.e. cheap and local). Make the most of it. Things kick off at 8.30pm and entry can be obtained for the paltry sum of £4 or £3 for members of IndieSoc, Live Music Society, Cardiff Student Jazz Society or anyone in possession of an official event flyer.
AU Christmas Ball 2004
@CIA
Sat 4th Dec / 8-2am / £28
n excuse to get dressed up, get hideously drunk on overpriced booze, and enjoy a good ol’ food fight. Remember to look forward to struggling home in shoes that are massacring your feet, or having to listen to the whinging inspired by said shoes, all the way back to Cathays. I wouldn’t risk a taxi if I were you: they charge extra for vomit. That said, there are several reasons to indulge yourself this year. The price has actually gone down: a snip at just £28. And, so we’re told, that price doesn’t just cover entry. This year you can look forward
to a glitzy casino strip, complete with red carpet welcome, drinks reception, buffet, cocktails, casino games, fairground rides, Las Vegas acts, bars and show girls. (Personally I’d like to know when show boys are going to be thrown in.) This is one of the biggest Athletic Union events of the year. If you belong to the AU, or if you just like their style and are thinking of venturing out, tuxedo-clad and freshly-coiffeured, then this is the event for you. Get tickets online at www.cardiffstudents.com, from the Union box office (02920 781458), or the Medclub shop.
Listings
November 29 2004
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grlistings@cf.ac.uk
gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton. If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We prefer to work to low expectations.
Monday29/11
Tuesday30/11
Comedy Club @Seren Las Seymour Mace. Surreal free form stand up takes the audience on a slightly off-beat flight of fancy. 811pm £4. Live @The Toucan Presented by IndieSoc. (See facing page for details.) Live @University Hall Feat. Splinter. The Live Music Society takes live music to Uni Hall! 7.30pm Free. Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11. Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Circular Music Open Session @The Toucan Unsigned talent, anyone can arrange a spot. House guitar provided! 8pm12.30am- £1 after 9pm Soul Motion @Moloko Wildly popular night with solid DJs playing deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Classic tunes and hidden gems. 7-2am free. Film Society @UGC American Graffiti. Don’t know the time but it costs £2 for members and £3 for non-members – vital. Live @Barfly Dogs / 10,000 Things / The Sound Junkies. ‘gritty and meaningful’. 7.30pm. £5 adv. The Crucible @The New Theatre Based on a true story, set against the backdrop of the Salem Witch Trials, Arthur Miller’s ‘classic’ famously mirrors McCarthy era America, when trust and innocence were sacrificed to mass hysteria, personal ambition and political agendas. Tues – Sat 7:30, Thurs and Sat - 2.30pm. Student Standby tickets £5 on the night from 6pm (Not Sat). Lunchtime Concert @St David’s Hall Timothy Byram-Wigfield, performs a programme of organ music: including Bach and Mendelssohn. 1pm £5. The Bootleg Beatles @St. David’s Hall ‘All the classic Beatles hits and more.’ What more can a tribute band give? 8pm From £16.50
Wednesday01/12
Thursday02/12
Fun Factory @Solus The Union’s ‘alternative’ night. Check for One Mission spinning discs at the bar. Free with NUS, £3 without. On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society host a national Battle of the Bands in the ‘Xpress Lounge’. Featuring: Foley Schneider and the Hockey Boys, Star of 59, The Strand, Niko, A lesser Known Rumour, Slant, The Revolutions, Khagool. Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies + Mr Potter. 7-11pm £1 NUS. TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Free entry 6-2am. New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. £3 before 11. 9-2am. Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2 or £1 if you sign up to perform. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff & Rowan 8-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Student Night @The Club (8-10 High Street) This new club, inspiringly dubbed ‘the club’, launches its weekly student night. Head to head competition with Fun Factory and Creation may not work wonders for turn-out so they’re trying to entice you with promises of ‘rooms filled with R’n’B, Old School, Dance, Trance and Top 40 hits to suit all tastes, with special offers flowing until the early hours.’ They’ll even give you a free shot if you turn up in fancy dress. Free entry all night, can’t be bad. Live @Barfly The Dillinger Escape Plan / Poison The Well / Ephel Duath. 7.30pm £10. Live @St. David’s Hall Gary Wilmot : My Kind Of Music (not ‘Mine’, Gary’s!). Remember, he used to be on the TV. 7:30pm From £16.50.
Friday03/12
Saturday04/12
Sunday05/12
CinemaWeek
Lashtastic @Solus The Union’s end of week piss-up. Features live jazz band in the bar and Xpress Radio specialist DJs in the Xpress Lounge with a strict ‘No Cheese’ policy. £3 adv. Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hip-hop, Motown, Retro Disco & Electro Boogie. Drinks Promos all night, retro vid's/visuals, regular guest Dj's. Free before 10.30 £4/5 after. ABRI-@The Toucan The best Welsh/Bi-Lingual night the City has to offer with the finest up and coming local and national talent! £5. Bar- DJ Chas and Krissy Jenkins. £3.50/free before 10pm. Chaos @Metros This is a reallyrock-type night. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 Maes B Christmas Party @ Clwb Ifor Bach Maes B's Christmas Party with very special guests performing live. The amazing Kentucky AFC, the ace Maharishi and an acoustic set from Mwsog. Go and celebrate! 9pm £5. Live @ Barfly yourcodenameis:milo / Attack & Defend. After a severe vocal overload that caused postponement of the original show, the Geordie thrash pop bandits, ycni:m, return for an explosive Friday night headline. They’ve spent the year playing up and down this fair isle, cranking up the noise while not compromising the melody. 7.30pm £7 adv. Steve Waterman & Russell van de Burg with the Jim Barber trio@Riverbank Hotel World class jazz trumpeter and a terrific sax player with top-notch local rhythm section. The Riverbank Hotel is situated opposite the Millenium Stadium on the other side of the River Taf on Despenser Street. Always a warm welcome and free snacks! 9pm £4/£3NUS.
Come Play @Solus A student favourite, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and succeeds every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular and lollipops abound. 9-2am £3.50 adv. AU Christmas Ball @The CIA (See facing page for details) Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm. Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, Escape. Til 2am. Uberalles @Barfly New club night with the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9-3am free with flyer before 10pm/£4. The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Presents D’Booga Cardiff’s answer to Groove Armada –led by Keyboard mad professor ‘Steve’ and fronted by the sweet soulful voice of ‘J’ £5. Bar- DJ Chaz and Kris Jenkins £3.50/free before 10.30pm The Slow Graffiti Christmas Party @Clwb Ifor Bach Kid Carpet / The Voices / special guest DJs. 9pm £5. Live @Barfly Ludes / Niko / Fake Bad News South London is alive with music again. Hailing from the same region that produced David Bowie and a certain Rolling Stone, Ludes are bringing their mythical brand of old-time rock and roll to the forefront and winning hearts with every note. 7.30pm £4 adv. Christmas @St. David's Hall Start the Chrimbo season with Cambrensis choir! A mix of familiar carols and seasonal music in various styles. 3pm & 7:30pm from £6 Machine Head @SU, The Great Hall Machine Head arrive in Wales having recently released their new album Through the Ashes of Empires. This tour is to celebrate the tenth anniversary of their debut album Burn my Eyes. £14.50.
Rubber Duck @Solus The Union’s midweek bonanza.10-2am £3.50/£3 adv. World Aids Day Benefit Concert @Seren Las (See Facing page for details.) 8-1am £2. Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am. Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free. ElectroMoloko @Moloko Electro’, beats, mash-ups, punk-funk, mayhem. 8-2am Free. Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s weekly night. 81am. Free for members/ £1 NUS. Bread and Butter @The Toucan Hip Hop: Tunes from UK underground and alternative US beats. Residents: Handsome Dan and DJ Ski. 9-1am, free before 10.30, £2 thereafter. Machine Meadow presents @Moloko "Mistletoe and Grime" special: Grime combines deep bass with urban 2-step beats and Kode9 is one of the pioneers of the sound. His own terrifying cover version of Prince's Sign Of The Times is just one of the tricks in his DJ box. Come and witness some deep bass and live visuals! 9-2am. Live @Barfly Jackie Leven / Sir Vincent Lone. 7.30pm £5 adv. Bang! @Barfly Popscene overspill. 10.302am. £3.50 / £3 NUS Chamber Ensembles @Music Dept. Concert Hall The School of Music’s chamber ensembles present a concert programme of orchestral works by Haydn and Vaughan Williams, followed by part-songs from Mozart, Schubert and Brahms. 7:30pm £8/£6/£3/Free to Cardiff Uni music students. Marcin Wright Septet @Riverbank Hotel A funk & ska excursion. 9pm £4/£3 NUS.
Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party ...goes Latin! @Seren Las The Union’s weekly jazz venture, presented by Cardiff Student Jazz Society. This week featuring The Ian Poole Quartet. Drummer, Ian Poole fronts a formidable line-up of local jazz stalwarts. Playing mostly hard and driving latin jazz pieces to be savoured by the danceinclined and sedantry jazz-lover alike. Plus salsa, samba, mambo, and other latin sounds from the DJ booth to keep the latin atmosphere in full swing. 7pm £2. Sunday @IncognitoAudio Chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you whereever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music. 8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen. Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm. Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf Questions and stuff. MedClub Quiz @MedBar More of the same. 8pm. No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach The Oppressed / Naughty. The Oppressed formed back in 1981 and have had many a line up change since then. After a few spilts and reformations the band are back together, and this gig in Clwb will be their first in eight years. SkinHeads who hate racism. 8pm £5. Live @Barfly Bad Obsession, and Classic Rock DJs. It turns out Sunday is tribute band at Barfly. Tonight it’s Guns'n'Roses. 7.30-1am £6 adv. Handel's Messiah @St. David’s Hall Cardiff Polyphonic Choir and the Swansea Bach Choir, two of Wales' leading choirs, performing with four renowned soloists in one of the most popular and most seasonal oratorios. 3pm from £7.50.
Duck Off @Cardiff Massive protest against top-up fees right on our doorstep. Get into town or the Union and you won’t be able to miss it. Get out, join the crowds, and help to represent Cardiff as it hosts a major Student Protest. LMS presents @Barfly S.K.W.A.D. / Strand / Horse! The LMS maintain their unrelenting schedule by taking over Barfly this Thursday. There should be a lot of interest in the line-up, with S.K.W.A.D.’s catchy rock, The Strand’s old skool rock n roll, and the new look! Horse’s stoner gospel. 7.30pm £4/£3 NUS/£2 LMS Twisted By Design @The City Arms Alternative. Everything you won’t expect to hear in Creation all rolled into one delicious evening of indie-alternative lovelyness. 8.30-2am Free. Judgement Night @Metros The best in rock and metal. Wednesdays are losing their stronghold with the creeping influx of stinky stilton and associated St. Mary’s street crowd. Why not try Thursday for size instead? £2.50 or less. Soundbytes @Journeys Live (electronic) performances by local artists. 8pm free. Hospitality @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip-hop and drum ‘n’ bass night in a multi-level, sofafilled haven. Free before 11pm 8-2am. Violet Row @The Toucan With Sweet Fontaine & Eric. The best up and coming bands with DJs playing rare vinyl, from the Stones to the Stone Roses. Free CD of the night’s bands included on entry! 9-2am £4. Bar @The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul & Hippy Funk with the superb, The Pockets and Chucky Egg. 8-1am £3/£2. Devious @Barfly Rock, Metal, Old School. City’s newest rock night. 10.30-2am £3. Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Excellent night.10pm. £3. The Glen Mamby & Julian Martin Band @Cafe Jazz Band fronted by two local jazzmen (Glen on sax, Julian on piano), both of whom deserve greater recognition. 8.45pm £4/£3.
@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400
AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly glance at the various filmic curiosities they have on offer. (Consult www.chapter.org for times)
Red Lights (Feux Rouges) Fri 26 Nov – Thu 2 Dec/France/2004 105 mins/subtitled/15. Dir; Cédric Kahn. Absorbing and suspenseful thriller based on a Georges Simenon novel. Antoine and his wife fall out during a holiday car journey. Antoine consoles himself in small town bars and pubs, until his wife decides to go her separate way and find alternative transport. Antoine picks up a hitchhiker, who turns out to be the escaped killer they’ve heard about, who, unbeknown to him, already encountered his wife… Comme une Image (Look at Me) Fri 26 Nov – Thu 2 Dec/France/2004 110 mins/subtitled/ctba. Dir: Agnès Jaoui. Comedy-drama about an egotistical writer and his daughter Lolita, a gifted aspiring soprano whose apparent docility conceals a deep insecurity and loathing for a world that judges her on her appearance and her famous father, whose approval she craves. With an ensemble of superb performances, a great classical score, and a witty script that won Best Screenplay award at Cannes.
“Give IMG report cards to the AU by Thursday, 1pm or they don’t go in the paper. Simple as that. We have deadlines.”
Spor t gair rhydd
Issue 777 29 November 2004 | Email: grsport@hotmail.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs
Sports Editors, November 2004
Lacrosse so close
Net gain
Women still unbeaten and one point away from glory
Basketball score a centuary against Saints
Back page
Pages 38 and 39
IMG FOOTBALL Match report
IMG ACTION: Below
BANKO FC 0 - 1 AFC HISTORY
A game of two halves
This week, we turn our attention to Banko FC, the re-formed History FC, as they lose 1-0 to their arch-rivals AFC History. And there really is no love lost...
Banking on victoBy Robin Imeson IN THE YEAR of our Lord 2004, starving and outnumbered, a desperate band of IMG warriors came up against the brutal, vicious barbarians that are the so-called History team. Most of them looked like their own individual history had been spent trying to back-track on thousands of years of human evolution and eating perhaps a little too much grease-laden food. How could this unorganised, brutal rabble cause the mighty Banko FC’s heroic elite of footballing geniuses any problems? Journalists around the world were asking this very question, despite History’s obvious weight advantage. But alas, the elements conspired against Banko’s highly disciplined and professional troops and the good name of Timmy ‘the magic’ Bank’s (Banko Fc’s founding father and inspiration) was trampled under the blood, sweat and mud of the fields of Pontcanna. The pitch was a quagmire, which obviously made a big difference as it suited History’s brutal and unskilled long ball game and, although Banko dominated and played some great passing football, they just couldn’t find the finish that would have put the Neanderthals to bed. In a game as tight as this, it was always going to come down to one piece of brilliance, one mistake or, as it turned out, one massive stroke of fortune.
A cross-field pass was stopped dead by the small lake in the middle of the pitch and, before Banko’s noble warriors could react, the uncouth hairy beasts had pounced upon this one and only chance and sullied the good name of IMG and football as a whole. So thus, on a pitch that resembled the Somme in World War One, Banko FC’s terrific winning streak of nine games and their 100% professional record came to an end in the most unlucky and undeserved of circumstances. History will remember this, not just as a defeat for Banko and their legions of fans, but as a loss for football purists everywhere. Oh, and we’re still above them in the league.
Banko are WORDS WILL NEVER do justice to the determination and heroism displayed by the AFC History side on the fields of Pontcanna last Wednesday afternoon. Awesome. Every single player was fecking
brilliant. Billed as a grudge match, the game started as expected with Banko fouling the crap out of the History players yet still finding reasons to whinge. Meanwhile,
their ref was doing his very best tions to the letter, History played the impression of a puppet, with the perfect counter attacking game, soaking up pressure for long periods strings being firmly while remaintugged by the Banko ing patient, m i d f i e l d . waiting for Nonetheless, AFC their opporHistory kept their distunity. The cipline & shape, soon ineffective starting to play the Dan ‘Yiannis’ Wo rth: 10 strikers & better football. Chris Dutton 8 wings of With Will Hodge Banko never putting in dangerous John Dunster 8 really gave the crosses from the Steve Bevan 10 back four any right, it was no sur- Mik e H ig g in s9 problems. prise when History Using the had the first real Alex Hoggart 9 strength & chance; Ali Hart Will Hod ge 9 depth of their soaring like the Dan Kennedy 9 squad, History proverbial salmon finally forged to crash a Kieran Kelly 8 themselves Ian Burman 8 ahead; sub Li’l Ali Hart 8 Steff feeding fellow sub Big Subs: Steff who fired Ben Roberts 9 home from ten Paul Young 8 yards. This may have been in the header against Steff Harries 8 85th minute, but the crossbar. The there was still half petered out Steff Biggs 8 time for Cypriot into a scrappy ‘international’ affair, both goalkeeper teams looking fairly comfortable Yiannis to pull off a slow-motion without threatening. History regrouped at half-time, show-stopping save, diving to his realising that Banko weren’t nearly right to parry round the post a pointas special as we’d been led to believe. blank effort. Contrary to popular belief, on the The game was there for us to win, we were the better team in every sense seventh day God did not rest, he created Yiannis’ right hand. of the word. 1-0 to the NEW History FC. Following their manager’s instruc-
Player Ratings
By John Stanton Sports Editor HAVING BEEN shocked last year to face an Emma Jones-inspired Chemsoc, Accountancy this time lined up against the table-topping chemists who were without their Welsh international secret weapon. With Accountancy placed in second position, three points behind Chemsoc in Group B, both teams were desperate to secure the three valuable points which might push the Premiership entry door ajar. Accountancy started the strongest and a clinical early strike from fresher Tom Wilkinson, slotting the ball through the legs of ‘keeper Simon Hayes, provided the perfect start for the pretenders to the league’s top spot. With Chemsoc still rocked by the early goal, a long throw found its way to Dan Hall, whose swift turn and clinical finish left Hayes with little chance in
the Chemsoc goal. Still inside the first 20 minutes, Chemsoc appeared shocked to find themselves two goals behind, particularly after winning their first four league matches with relative ease. What was to prove the decisive third goal soon came in the shape of a calm finish from Damir Jokanovic, after Hayes had only been able to parry an earlier shot. In adversity, however, Chemsoc’s quality and strength of character began to come to the fore as they capitalised on a free-kick just yards outside the box. A low cross was swung in and the accountants failed to clear, leaving Alex Criddle perfectly poised to pounce on the loose ball. As the teams emerged after halftime, Chemsoc looked the more likely to claim the next goal, as they pegged their opponents back and limited their attacking play to a minimum.
The goal that had threatened to come soon arrived, Rico Echeverria-Valda capitalising on a goal mouth scramble, Accountancy captain Mark Bate unable to clear and left stranded on the goalline. As Chemsoc pushed forward, Accountancy defended in numbers and maintained their defensive shape. The game did, on occasion, threaten to spill over, but last year’s Fair Play award winners Accountancy were joined in the ‘sporting angels’ category by an impressively honest refereeing combination of Tomas Garcia and Huw Davies. A late cross flashed along the Accountants’ six yard line, a decisive and pivotal moment in a game which could easily have been won by either side. With the contest entering its final minutes, midfield maestro Rhys Beak struck a shot from long range which dipped viciously and sealed a 4-2 Accountancy victory.
PHOTOS: Adam Gasson
Accountancy send chemists back to lab to re-discover their winning formula
ROUTE TO GOAL: Jokanovic scores the decisive third
University Sport
Page 38
November 29 2004
grsport@hotmail.com
Imperial reign supreme By Ffion Atwell Chief Rugby Correspondent THIS WEEK’S ROUND of BUSA competition saw a disappointing defeat for the Cardiff 1st XV, going down 17-13 to Imperial Medics, a team they had beaten at the start of the season. The visitors missed an early opportunity to go ahead after Cardiff conceded a penalty for offside. This early misdemeanour stirred the home side into action and they began to pile on the pressure. But despite a promising run from Cardiff centre Lawrence Price, the team failed to capitalise, handling errors keeping them from breaching the opposition’s try line. Imperial finally broke the deadlock
Cardiff 1st XV 13 Imperial 1st XV 17
after 20 minutes, James Logan avoiding some sloppy tackling and sidestepping the last line of defence to touch down in the corner. Fly half James Morris added the conversion to give the visitors a 7-0 lead. Things got worse for Cardiff five minutes later, after a strong drive from the Imperial forwards sent lock Cameron Sullivan over. Logan converted, increasing their advantage to 14 points. However, this seemed to give the home team the jolt they needed and sustained pressure eventually resulted in a penalty in front of the posts. Fly half Ed Bradnock converted to leave the score 14-3 at half time. Cardiff emerged after the break with new determination, defending well and attacking the opposition at every
opportunity. The home team were rewarded for their pressure, wing Jon Walder slicing through the Imperial defence and setting up a move that saw some good hands from captain Owain Griffith to send centre Lawrence Price over in the corner. Bradnock converted to put Cardiff back in the game, trailing 14-10. The hosts, with renewed impetus, began to steal line-out ball to put Imperial under pressure, the visitors conceding a penalty on the ten metre line after a prolonged Cardiff attack. Bradnock again struck it over, bringing the teams within a point of each other. Despite their best efforts, the home team couldn’t maintain the pressure, conceding a penalty in front of the posts. Imperial fly half Morris scored
another three points for the visitors. Cardiff’s last ditch attempts to pull the game back were stopped on the try
line by a knock-on, handling errors proving costly as Imperial gained revenge for their previous defeat.
majority of possession and there was a genuine feeling that it was a case of when and not if Cardiff would score. Mark Lucas had the best of the home side’s early chances, seeing his goal-bound strike just headed over the bar by a Newport defender.
half, with few chances being created considering the dominance of possession they had enjoyed. It could have been worse for the home side, however, when Newport’s tactics almost came to fruition when, after a speedy counter attack, a great opportunity was missed, and this meant Cardiff went into half-time with a slender 1-0 lead. It was much the same for Cardiff after the break, with the forwards
unable to create any clear-cut opportunities as the stubborn Newport defence continued to work hard. The winner for Cardiff did finally come on 65 minutes when Frenchman Francois Dauba superbly dribbled past defenders with Cristiano Ronaldo-stlye flair, to set up Will Thompson, who scored with a deft touch from inside the six-yard box. It was fantastic skill from Dauba who was once on the books of Nantes in his homeland. To their credit, Newport still did not let their heads drop after the second goal and continued to defend heroically. They contained Cardiff to the 2-0 result at full-time, when it could have
been a much bigger score for the hosts. After the match, Cardiff ’s goalscorer Will Thompson stated, “The three points were the most important thing, but we are all disappointed with the performance. But from a personal point of view I am very pleased to have scored again.”
PHOTO: Yel Bonderessia
Newport beaten and they knows it By Alex Cinus Football Correspondent
CARDIFF UNIVERSITY football firsts sealed their second win in a row to consolidate their position at the top of the league, after defeating Newport 2-0 at Llanrumney. Cardiff were certainly favourites going into the game as the visitors were rock bottom of the league, a fact compounded by Newport only bringing ten players with them. Thus, Newport’s game plan was simple: defend deep and in numbers, and try to catch Cardiff out with a counter attack. The hosts’ patience would certainly be tested as Newport worked their socks off, and gave Cardiff little time on the ball. However, they did give Cardiff the
It could have been a much bigger score for the hosts But the influential Cardiff winger soon made up for that miss, as on 20 minutes he netted a scrappy goal from inside the box. The goal stood despite Newport claims for offside. Cardiff were frustrated by the away side for the remainder of the first
Women park in way of Bristol’s chances By Sarah Bellingham Ladies’ Rugby Correspondent LADIES’ RUGBY bounced back from defeat to Gloucester and were on top form in a 29-5 home win against Bristol. The match was close from the start with both teams struggling to progress. Cardiff got their first five points after a ferocious drive by the forwards crept towards the line, with the ball eventually freed into the hands of outside half Mari Ropstad, who crashed through the Bristol defence to score. Bristol were making it hard for the Welsh team and their defence was
CRUNCH: Cardiff too strong for Bristol
almost impossible to break through. But Cardiff ’s Katherine Gubb did manage to score after an even tougher drive by the forwards, as Bristol worked hard to hold the ball up. Cardiff struggled against some questionable decisions by the referee and Bristol continually smothered the ball on the ground in rucks, making it almost impossible for Cardiff to get the ball out. The home side managed to increase their lead in the second half, with tries scored by Ruth Osborne, Emily Shepherd and one further effort, made possible by some great work from number eight, Rachel Merriman. Zoe Prytherch was awarded player of the match after demonstrating her adaptability, moving from outside centre to scrum-half. Captain Marina Newth could see some definite improvements in the team. She said: “I was very pleased with our performance. “Our line-outs were much more successful, and at times there was great communication between the backs and forwards.”
PHOTOS: Pat Gorman
NICE TOUCH: Hosts secure victory in local derby
University Sport
November 29 2004
page 39
grsport@hotmail.com
Saints slayed as rampant Cardiff ton-up Sport in A DAVYD BOWEN-INSPIRED Cardiff thrashed Southampton University at Talybont on Wednesday, crashing through the 100 points barrier in a 101-62 victory. The opening exchanges saw Bowen opening the scoring with a neat basket inside the first few seconds of the game. But an understrength Southampton team shocked Cardiff, coming back to take the lead with a series of quick baskets. However, Cardiff soon settled into the swing of things, moving the ball around the court with ease, and scor-
ing just as freely. The Cardiff number seven netted the best basket of the first ten minutes with a stylish slamdunk, leaving the home side with a commanding 23-12 lead by the end of the first ten. The second ten minutes was by far Southampton’s best. At one point they had closed the gap to just five points, but the fact that they had only brought five players with them began to tell, as Cardiff constantly caught them on the counter attack and forced them into giving away numerous free throws. A 49-32 lead at halftime told no lies. Assan showed Cardiff the way in the early stages of the third ten min-
utes, making a wonderful interception before charging down the court to lay up a wonderful solo basket. Bowen was really beginning to dominate by now, and some of the Southampton players must have begun to wonder whether there was actually more than one of him on the court. The final ten minutes of the match saw Cardiff add 30 points to their score, and as 100 points approached, the crowd really got behind them, resulting in a fabulous finale. They finally got past the 100 point barrier with just seconds on the clock, finishing off a great final ten. A fantastic match and equally impressive win was summed up by ex-
Southampton, and now Cardiff player Joe Wheatly, "That was the best game we’ve played all season.”
PHOTO: Charlotte Harries
By Chris Allen Basketball Correspondent
Fencers fend off Plymouth By Rhian Chapman Fencing Correspondent
SLAMMED: Cardiff in top form
Short course success for swimmers Members of university’s swimming team reach six finals in Busa Short Course Championships By Olivia Waters Swimming Correspondent THE CARDIFF UNIVERSITY swimming team returned last Sunday after a highly successful weekend at the BUSA Short Course Championships at the Ponds Forge Pool in Sheffield. The Short Course is one of the highlights of the swimming calendar, and gave the team the chance to prove their talent, not only in front of large crowds, but also highly successful swimmers, such as the Commonwealth gold medallist James Gibson. Cardiff performed exceptionally well, displaying the talent of the thirty or so swimmers who gave up their weekend to make the long trip to Sheffield to represent the university. After various different heats,
LANE AND SIMPLE: Cardiff enjoy successful time in Sheffield championship
members of the Cardiff team progressed to a total of six finals – the most in the team’s history – where they went on to prove that Cardiff really is developing into a force to be reckoned with in the world of swimming. Club veterans Adam Rattenbury and Rachel Banfield achieved seventh place in the 50m butterfly and fourth place in the 200m backstroke respectively, while the girls’ relay team displayed the huge potential of this year’s freshers by achieving fifth place in the 4x50m freestyle final. Swimming Captain Adam Rattenbury commented, "It was really bad luck that, unlike last year, we didn’t come away with any BUSA medals, but the competition was extremely fierce and I feel that in general, the team performed better this year than ever before."
CARDIFF LADIES’ FOOTBALL firsts continued their good form with an emphatic 4 – 0 win over Aberystwyth. The home side began brightly with various chances, Aileen Griffin flashing a great ball across the face of goal which screamed to be converted. Other notable chances came from Emma Jones who went close, the ball just going over the cross-bar. Jones went close again minutes later, forcing a save from the Aberystwyth ‘keeper after connecting with a superb Georgia Alcock corner with barely ten minutes gone. Cardiff dominated the first spell, with
Lacrosse eye promotion Story continued from Back The squad was much more calm and disciplined than in previous matches, after working on this in training during the week. In the third quarter George Ewer took over from Issie Try in goal, clearing the ball directly to Cardiff players
CARDIFF LADIES’ FENCING team secured a well-deserved victory in their home match against Plymouth The foil round began evenly, with the lead switching between the opponents several times, but by the fifth bout Plymouth had edged ahead. A tremendous ten-point score from left-hander Louise Webster in the penultimate bout brought the totals closer, but captain Rhian Chapman couldn’t capitalise on the momentum, and Plymouth won the foil, 45-38. The epée was even more tightlyfought, as Cardiff held a small lead until the sixth bout, when the score swung back in the visitors’ favour. Our ladies dug deep and fought back, but luck was on Plymouth’s side as they claimed victory in the round by a single point. It was in the sabre contest that the Cardiff side really showed their mettle. Gaining an early lead they dropped only a few points in most of the bouts, due largely to consistent play from Louise Webster and Siobhan McClughen, and stormed to an impressive 45-31 victory. At the end of the day, and despite having to change venues in the middle of the match again, Cardiff managed a significant victory, with an overall score of 127-121.
Golf’s sorry run continues
Cardiff take it all against off-key Aber By Amy Davies Football Correspondent
brief
Jess Baker making lively runs down the right flank, and some lovely slick passing between the Cardiff girls. The pressure continued with a Kelly Turl header going just wide, and Aileen Griffin’s great effort clipped the top of the bar. The inevitable happened just before the half-hour mark, when Georgia Alcock whipped in another great corner and watched as it flew straight in. Aberystwyth tried to
up their game after the goal, but Cardiff continued with their passing game, always looking for the intelligent running of their team-mates, particularly Jess Baker. Georgia Alcock corners were a constant threat and Cardiff were unlucky to lead by only one goal at half-time. Cardiff began the second half as they had the first, Alcock playing good balls to the feet of Aileen Griffin for her to chase. The second goal was a sweet strike from captain, Emma Jones. It came after her initial free-kick was blocked by the Aberystwyth defence, the ball came back out for her to score a fantastic goal. For ten minutes after Cardiff’s second goal, Aberystwyth enjoyed a better spell of possession with Sarah Newbury
making her first save on what proved to be a quiet afternoon. Cardiff pressed effectively and continued in the same manner, with Jones converting another Alcock corner for her second goal of the game. Alcock then went looking for a goal herself with a mesmerising run into the box, her shot saved by the goalkeeper. The whole team worked well all afternoon, with the little danger Aberystwyth created being dealt with effectively by the Cardiff defence, who got forward themselves at every opportunity. The afternoon was a good display, exhibiting the whole team’s ability to play flowing, attacking football. The win was rounded off by substitute Kate Harker scoring the fourth, after an Alcock corner rebounded off Jones.
on all occasions. Phillips commented: "Both goalkeepers worked well in goal – they showed great presence." RAC battled hard in the third quarter, with strong drives from their Welsh International, Hannah Brook. This determination paid off when they scored their first goal, bringing the score to 15-1, to the delight of the vocal home supporters.
Cardiff caused numerous turnovers – on one occasion Bryony Smith intercepted an RAC pass, looked up and passed a long ball to Rosie Poynour who was darting through midfield. Turning her defender and then rolldodging a second, Poynour caused an overload for the Cardiff attack. A great feed off to Issie Try, who was left open in front of goal, was followed by a stunning bullet into the top right hand cor-
ner. Kate Davey was also in good form in front of goal, getting herself into great scoring positions on numerous occasions. In the final quarter, some slick passing between Issie Try and Sally Phillips led to several quick stick goals scored by Sue Chandler. RAC scored a final consolation goal near the end, as Cardiff pressed forward
CARDIFF’S GOLFERS REMAIN without a point this season after a narrow 3.5-2.5 defeat at the hands of Buckinghamshire Chilterns University. An injury-hit Cardiff team took an early lead thanks to James Millard, but a succession of defeats meant that Bucks finished victorious on their home course.
Yachtsmen sail away with home victory CARDIFF’S SAILORS maximised home advantage to win every race in an event hosted at Cardiff Yacht Club. With the largest entry ever, visitors came from across the UK with participants from Warwick, Oxford, Nottingham, Bristol, Exeter, Reading, Bangor and Kent. Cardiff firsts won every race in their league, most notably converting what appeared a certain win for Exeter into another home victory. in an attempt to improve their goal difference. After the game, George Ewer voiced the thoughts of all team members: "A great performance all round and still unbeaten – a pretty good afternoon’s work." Still unbeaten and on the brink of promotion, the red and blacks are just a point from clinching a hard-earned promotion.
Spor t gair rhydd
MEN’S FOOTBALL TEAMS ENJOY LLANRUMNEY SUCCESS SEE P38
S
U PL
Two IMG rivals go head-to-head in our match report of two halves SEE P37 See page 37
“Contrary to popular belief, on the seventh day God did not rest, he created Yiannis’ right hand.”
BROUGHT TO ACCOUNT
Lacrosse march onward By Frances Williams Lacrosse Correspondent
Accountancy win top of the table clash with Chemsoc
By John Stanton Sports Editor AS IMG REACHES Its pre-Christmas climax, the festive spirit has bypassed Pontcanna as the stakes grow and tensions rise. With only two group games left for each team
before the end of the season, never has the IMG been so keenly contested. Accountancy leapfrogged table-toppers Chemsoc with a hard fought 4-2 victory, leaving them top of group B, although four teams are all locked on 12 points. In Group A, the long-awaited clash of sworn
enemies AFC History and Banko FC went the way of the historians thanks to a late winner, leaving three teams fighting it out on 12 points. All four groups will be decided on the final day of the season, leaving the fates of every IMG team shrouded in temporary uncertainty.
PHOTO: Adam Gasson
LAST DITCH: Accountancy’s Mark Bate readies himself for a goal-line clearance
CARDIFF BEAT ROYAL Agricultural College 23-2 to go three points clear at the top of their league with one game left to play. The victory means that, barring a hugely unlikely combination of results, the university’s most successful team this year will be promoted to the BUSA Premier league. The travelling party to Cirencester was strengthened by the inclusion of two players who were representing the university for the first time – Jo Gray and Susan Clark. Cardiff won the first draw and capitalised on this with a goal from player of the match, Sally Phillips, within the first two minutes. Six more goals were scored in the first quarter, three from feeds from behind and three off fast break situations. The defence remained solid and focussed, thwarting any attacking play by RAC. Stick checks by Kate Davey and Sam Olney brought about turnovers that Cardiff converted into attacking chances. George Ewer and Sally Phillips both scored hat-tricks thanks to some fine indiviual skill.
Story continued on Page 38
PITCH BATTLE Medics women’s FC cite mix-ups in transportation and venue information as crucial derby game against Glamorgan is postponed By Thom Airs Sports Editor JUST WEEKS AFTER it emmerged that the Medics rugby team had been training in "car park lighting", the Athletic Union has come under further criticism over its distribution of facilities, this time from the Medics women’s football club. Last Wednesday’s proposed match with Glamorgan was beset with a number of problems that led to the game’s eventual postponement. Arrangements for both
transportation and a suitable venue went awry as the Medics failed to fulfil the fixture. Club captain Emily Turpin claimed: "Firstly, the minibus that we were expecting had to be given to another team whose coach to take them to Bristol had left without them. So, instead, taxis were arranged to take us to Llanrumney." At Llanrumney it transpired that all the pitches were in use, although Turpin alleges that the team believed that their game was due to be staged there.
"On arrival we were informed that both the ladies’ and men’s Medics teams had been booked into other facilities." Further taxi rides led the team to the Eastern Leisure Centre, but an attempt to play the game there suffered from a lack of planning, "As we did not know that we were to be playing at the leisure centre we had not brought any nets with us and had no transport to go and get any. While trying to locate some nets, we went to inspect the pitches, where we found tyre tracks, puddles and dog poo.
"On agreement with Glamorgan, it was decided that such a crucial match, which could potentially determine who won the league, could not be played in such conditions and a postponement was agreed." On the team’s return to the university, Turpin was angered by the afternoon’s troubles: "We returned to Med Club without playing a game and with taxi fares totalling nearly £60. Our team members on placement in West Wales [were] left to contemplate their wasted journey back to Cardiff."
The Athletic Union have apologised for the problems with the minibus but state that the game was never scheduled to be played at Llanrumney. AU vice president Fraser Watson said, "All the information had been sent to Med Club, and Rhymney Rec was stated [as the venue] on that information." Watson went on to say that the taxi fares would be fully reimbursed by the AU, and that the state of the pitch was beyond their control. The fixture looks set to be rearranged for a Wednesday afternoon before Christmas.
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