e,
lit-
gairrhydd
47
PROBLEM PAGE
FEBRUARY.05.2007 PROBLEMPAGE@gairrhydd.COM
The de Ville’s Advocate This Week: It’s the static from the floor below
Social networking for the socially inept... Single? Pathetic? Alone? Without a mate? Friendless? Sociopathic? Souless? With the kind help of my good friends Tom and Rupert from MySpace, I’ve surfed the net to present the crème de la crème of internet hotties. This week I present to you: the best Barries this side of Acapulco.
Screename: Barry Age: 24 Location: “Da Ghetto, Singapore” Headline: "I like to sleep naked... Damn...." Indeed. Likes: “Beautifully constructed human bodies, music (it’s a beautiful bosh)” Eh? Pro’s: Bendy. Good skin. Cons: Sounds like a bit of a tool. Only listens to trance.
Squatter be gone! Dear Grace, We are two second-year chemistry students who, until recently, enjoyed a harmonious relationship with our other housemate. But before Christmas she got herself a fella and it's all gone downhill from there really. He seems like a nice bloke deep, deep down but his behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. We don't like to socialise at home for fear of what he might do. Since he stays every night and has moved all his stuff in, it's safe to say that he's going nowhere fast. The other night was the final straw. We came back from a night out to find him playing hard house on every stereo and dancing around in my bedroom in nothing but my lab coat and a film of sweat. He'd obviously been eating curry next to my computer as the mouse was stained a greasy yellow colour
and there was rice all over the keyboard. When I went to get into bed, he’d ripped my pillow and secreted some dark brown fluid into the stuffing. It smelled like gravy but was waxy to the touch. The next morning I was about to brush my teeth when I noticed what could only be described as "red mush" all over the sink, and more worryingly, my toothbrush. I recoiled in horror when I remembered seeing the boyfriend drinking my pomegranate juice and eating my Shreddies just a few minutes earlier. I mean, what had he been doing, deep-throating my toothbrush? Enough is enough. Despite the white spittle around his mouth and the constant tick, our friend is clearly smitten and won’t take kindly to criticism of her beau. Please help!
Hey there ladies,
This gentleman clearly has some kind of problem controlling his bodily emissions. I had a similar problem housemate in the distant past, but years of therapy and libel laws forbit me to go into too much detail. Suffice to say that semen is NOT something that should be squirted through letterboxes and if you wear a short nightie then please wear undergarments. My grandparents were horrified when they were subjected to someone’s labia on a seemingly innocuous visit to the capital. Anyway, I digress. Introduce her to one of the fellows to your left and you won’t see him for dust. Much love,
Grace Mandy and Laura.
Steve Jobs for the boys Screename: Barry Age: 43 Location: Belfast Headline: "IRISH PRINCE SEEKS PRINCESS" Likes: Horse Racing, Red wine, seafood. Pro’s: Describes himself as “a little bit Viking” Cons: On the mature side of young.
Screename: Barry Age: 26 Location: Telford Headline: Too cool for a headline. Likes: “Smoking, computers, big boobs.” Pro’s: You could sell that earring for a hefty sum. His head probably feels like a nice carpet tile. Cons: Wants to meet Kerry Katona. Uses “LOL” in conversation.
Dear Grace,
Dear Dan,
All my friends have iPods and I feel really left out. I know it sounds really trivial but I can’t take any more of their “Nano” this and “Shuffle” that. I’ve got a Minidisc but it’s about as fashionable and technologically advanced as a Tamagotchi. There’s no way I’m ever going to be able to afford one (I’m unemployed) and I’m seriously considering stealing one from someone who looks like they don’t deserve one. Most of the students around here swan around with their white headphones looking too smug for their own damn good. I’d like to poke them in the eye and swipe their smooth white music cases. I know it’s wrong but it’s the only solution I can think of. What do you suggest?
I’ve actually had a few people send in their tales of iPod-related woe. They really aren’t all that. But it’s easy for me to say that as the proud owner of a shiny new IPOD NANO. Only this very morning my iPod screen decided to present some form of MS DOS-style interface gobbledegook and I was left looking stupid when I started screaming profanities at its impotent, music-less carcass. It took a good half an hour to restore it back to its former aural glory, by which time my mum had called wondering why people had asked for me to be sectioned. I don’t know why I’m telling you this – you’d clearly have no trouble getting yourself institutionalised with or without the aid of the Apple corporation. The simple answer would be
Dan, Cathays
to invest in a good old tape player and just stick in some white headphones. No one would be any the wiser, AND you could spend the money you save on some Valium. I seriously hope this helps. When I was ensconced in tertiary education, I thriftily painted the fascia of my cassette player an attractive shade of mauve with the aid of some Rimmel nail polish and some gltter glue. Customisation my friend, customisation. All the kids are doing it; it’s just that no-one talks about it. Get yourself one step ahead of the proles and paint your inferior hardwear in gaudy day-glo colours á la New Rave style. Love from, Grace xxx
Good morning/afternoon/new year. I’ve introduced a new feature whereby I trawl social networking sites to present the cream of the crop to the more socially inept among you. Other than that, it’s business as usual. More problems; more stress for me. Grr.