gair rhydd - Issue 837

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ISSUE 839 MARCH 26 2007

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

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FREE INSIDE: Your comprehensive 12-page guide to the Cardiff v Swansea Varsity 2007

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MASSIVE ELECTION Helen Thompson News Editor

MULTIPLE RECORDS were broken by last week’s elections, as larger numbers of students than ever before helped to determining the future of the Students’ Union.

After seven days of campaigning in which candidates bombarded students with slogans, gimmicks and mani-

festos, around 18% of the student body registered their vote during the two days of voting on Monday and Tuesday. This is one percent higher than last year’s turnout, and is the largest in Cardiff’s history.

With 4260 students voting this year, Cardiff now has the second highest Continued on page five

RECORD-BREAKING COUNTERS: Rising to the challenge

ELECTIONS 2007: FULL COVERAGE PAGES 5, 6 AND 7

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At

a glance

MARCH 26 2007 News Editorial & Opinion Column Letters Features Science/Environment Politics Media Jobs & Money Health Varsity Interviews Television Problem Page Five Minute Fun Grab Listings Sport

1 9 12 13 14 16 18 19 21 22 23 35 37 45 47 49 50 52

EDITOR Perri Lewis DEPUTY EDITOR Sophie Robehmed ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Adam Millward, Helen Thompson, Jo Dingle, Katie Kennedy POLITICS Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Ed Vanstone, Georgie SPORT Dave Menon, George Pawley LISTINGS Jenna Harris, Rosaria Sgueglia TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV John, TV Neil, TV Jane, TV Ellen LETTERS Rachel Clare GRAB Kayleigh Excell, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Huw Pritchard SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Aline Ungewiss, Nadia Bonjour HEALTH Liz Stauber JOBS AND MONEY Gill Roberts PROBLEM PAGE Grace De Ville FIVE MINUTE FUN Lara Bell PICTURE EDITORS James Perou, Sarah Day SUB EDITOR Cathal McMahon ONLINE EDITOR Paul Springett PROOF READERS Bryony Tallack, Aisling Tempany, Kieran Harwwood, Kate Dobbs, Kate Monaghan, Beth Samuel, Andrew Rennison CONTRIBUTORS Eleanor Morrey, William Taylor, Emma Jones, Lucy Higgins, Corrine Rhoades, Lee Macauley, Samantha Shillabeer, Abigail Whittaker, James Stileman, Natalie Parkinson, Tim Hewish, Amy Simpson, Katherine Webster, Andrew Price, Richard Lombardo, Dan Ridler, Luke Rees, Sylvie Winn, Samantha Colebrooke, Jaroslaw Dabek, Cemlyn Davies, Rhiannon Doe, James Woodroof, Adam Gasson, Jack Zorab, Pete Dean, Huw Davies, Rachel McWhinney, Mark Legge, Chris Kelly, Miki Burdus, Mark Smith, Rob Taylor, Ed Slater, Scott D’Arcy, Jameson Keregozou, Roz Lambe, James Ford, Ben Chung, Becky Oatley, Eilian Hughes ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

Cardiff’s record year of funding Vice-Chancellor announces a year of record achievements across many areas of Cardiff University Eleanor Morrey Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has received a record £96 million pounds funding in the past year, it has been announced.

The Vice-Chancellor, Dr David Grant, spoke of the University’s many achievements over the past year in his annual presentation to the union court.

The funding awards come from research councils, industry and commerce, charities, and the EU as well as local and national government.

Dr Grant said: “These awards have

been won against intense competition from other leading universities.

“Our increasing success is a reliable barometer of the high quality of the work being undertaken,” he added.

The Vice-Chancellor’s address highlighted further achievements, including the increased demand to study at Cardiff, with an average of eight applicants for every undergraduate place.

The University has also been recognised as one of the world’s top 200 universities and is in the top 100 for its biomedicine and humanities departments.

University application system shaken by request for details of parents’ education

Family affair?

OLD SCHOOL: How far back will universities ‘family checks’ lead? useful for a university to have at its William Taylor and Corinne disposal a wide range of information to Rhoades, Reporters build up a full and rounded view of an applicant.

“It allows institutions to understand IN A CONTROVERSAL move the University & Colleges Admissions more about how the applicant got to Service (UCAS) has confirmed that where they are, and their potential.”

Universities that cannot decide university admissions tutors will see the educational attainment between two similar applicants may and occupations of applicants’ par- soon also look at the quality of students’ schools to help them choose. ents.

Currently, prospective students are The 2008 entry form will be the first year that such questions have been often awarded a university place on the basis of their grades and personal stateasked from applicants.

UCAS also says that the 2008 entry ments.

But UCAS is considering applicaform will ask applicants about their ethnicity and whether they have been tion reforms which will mean universities may look at pupils who achieve in council care.

Some feel that this information will high grades from a poorly performing be used for ‘social engineering’ that school as having more potential.

Oxford, Cambridge and Bristol are will discriminate against those from among those universities already using well-educated backgrounds.

However, Vice-chancellors and the procedure.

Jonathon Shephard, the general secministers maintain that the information retary of the Independent Schools will help ‘widen participation.’

Drummond Bone, the president of Council insisted pupils’ merit would Universities UK, said this week that its still play a major role in the application members placed a high priority on process.

He said: “Universities will continue attracting students from families and communities with little or no previous to treat applicants as individuals rather than representatives of a particular secexperience of higher education.

Professor Bone said: “It is therefore tor.”

£96 million

The amount of funding raised in the past year

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY: Brimming with awards and accolades

Welsh Bac to be backed by universities Corinne Rhoades Reporter WELSH STUDENTS who study the Welsh Baccalaureate (Welsh Bac) as an A-level alternative will now be accepted by Britain’s leading universities.

The Welsh Bac is a new qualification that covers more vocational areas such as key skills and workrelated education alongside A-level study.

But it was found that top English universities like Oxford dismissed it as an A-level equivalent.

Now schools testing the qualification say it is ‘gaining in credibility’, as universities, including Oxford, Manchester and Reading, have begun accepting students with the Welsh Bac. Samantha Huntley, a second year Pharmacy student, got into Cardiff with the Welsh Bac, and is upset by the attitude of some institutions.

She said: “I don’t want people to

think of my qualifications as a joke.

I worked hard to get into uni and the Welsh Bac was a valid equivalent to a fourth A-level.”

These new developments are thought to have been prompted by UCAS, who accepted the baccalaureate by giving it the same amount of points as an A-grade A-level.

Fears that the Welsh Bac would not get the top students a place at the best universities have since been rejected by many schools as groundless.

Hannah Gathercole, studying English Literature at Cardiff said: “I think universities should be allowed to use their own discretion when deciding what to offer a candidate.

“These days A-levels are constantly labelled as ‘easy’ so perhaps the Welsh Bac is a step in a new and approved direction.”

St Andrews, Bristol and some Oxford colleges are among those universities who still refuse to accept the qualification.

Busy beavers may reduce Welsh flooding Adam Millward News Editor BEAVERS may be the solution to preventing floods in upland Wales, according to new research.

David Gow, a wildlife expert, explains that European beavers which were reintroduced to lowland Holland have proven to be a successful method in tackling problems with floods, which are “natural and sustainable”.

He said: Many of us are faced with having run-off flood water coming through our cat flaps in January, followed by a hose pipe ban

BEAVER: Dam good with floods in summer.

“But as everyone knows, beavers build dams, manage river systems and work 24 hours a day.

“They could recreate a situation where water is retained on the land.”

Gow was one of the speakers at last week’s Wales Conservation Management Conference, the largest event of its kind in the UK.

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Summer Ball line-up CHURCH: Bride to be?

Up the duff, now up the aisle?

Emma Jones Reporter It has been rumoured that Gavin Henson and Charlotte Church are planning a fairytale wedding.

Just weeks after the news broke of Church’s pregnancy, there are rumours that a wedding could take place before her baby bump starts to show.

The couple, who announced that they were expecting a baby just three weeks ago, will allegedly be tying the knot at Castell Coch. the picturesque nineteenth-century Century castle near Cardiff.

While the function suite has room for more than 200 people, the ceremony venue only accommodates 30 guests.

Henson is thought to be splashing out on a honeymoon for himself and his new bride in Thailand.

What a Feeling

Chart-toppers The Feeling to play at Summer Ball William Taylor Reporter IT HAS BEEN announced that pop band The Feeling will headline this year’s Summer Ball.

The Feeling will perform their chart -topping singles; Sewn, Never Be Lonely and Fill My Little World.

For the last few months, there has been great speculation surrounding the Ball and which artists will be playing on the night.

Other than The Feeling, no other acts have been confirmed to play at the event.

It has been rumoured that successful girl band Girls Aloud may also appear on stage at the event.

The Ball will take place at Cooper’s Field in the grounds of Cardiff Castle.

Abigail Whittaker, a second year Maths student, said: “I have heard that The Fratellis might be performing at this year’s Summer Ball, but it has not been confirmed.

“I am really happy that The Feeling have confirmed that they are playing as I have seen them live before and they

were really good.

“All in all, I think it is going to be a much better night than last year.”

Tickets for this year’s Summer Ball have been selling twice as fast as this time last year.

The rest of the line-up will be released later on next term when more acts are confirmed.

Peer into the Taf Neil Kinnock, former Labour party leader and current President of Cardiff University, joined the sabbatical team and a number of students for a few pints of Brains in the Taf last Friday. The team met him at University Court, the most important university meeting of the year. As former Students’ Union President, and the first to introduce a bar to the Union, he was more than happy to join them.

William Taylor Reporter THE GENEROSITY OF A CARDIFF nightclub helped the Cardiff Raise and Give (RAG) society raise over £1,600 for Comic Relief.

After a week of fundraising activities, including a bake sale and selling glow-sticks in ‘Bounce’, one of Walkabout nightclub’s student events, RAG managed to collect £1,100.

HENSON: Or Superman?

Chris. the organiser of ‘Bounce’, showed his generous spirit by adding £500 to the final total.

Toby Willis, a member of RAG, said: “We are so pleased with the final total. The generosity of Bounce and Cardiff Students has been outstanding. We are all looking forward to another year of fundraising events in Cardiff.”

The money raised for Comic Relief will go towards helping unprivileged people in Great Britain and Africa.

RAG: Every penny counts

PHOTO: Rob Taylor

Doubled up

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PHOTO: Sarah Day

No money from the Macky

Lucy Higgins Reporter CARBS IMG Netball team have been left with only £1.80 in their club account, after their sponsorship from the Mackintosh Pub was withdrawn without notice.

The pub, under the management of Steve Parker, had agreed in October to sponsor the team £350, which would be paid in instalments in October and January.

However, now under new management, the team is yet to see a penny of the remaining £175 January instalment, as new managers claim that the agreement was made with the old management and does not apply to them.

The sponsorship was initially offered on the agreement that the girls would hold weekly socials at the pub, and would have ‘The Mackintosh’ embroidered onto their team hoodies.

Having upheld their side of the bargain, the team fails to see why they

are not receiving their much-needed money.

The current manageress, believing that the agreement was made with Parker, is refusing to pay the final instalment, despite the numerous socials that are still being held at the Mackintosh by the netball team.

They have also refused to tell the girls any contact details for Parker, who has now left the establishment.

Lucy Briscoe, Carbs’ Social Secretary said: “We had a good rapport with the old management and

Parking mad

would like to see this continue.

“We are still holding our socials in the Macky and hoping that they will soon see this frustrating situation from our point of view.”

However, the current management, believing the agreement does not amount to a legal contract and is not enforceable, have disregarded the pledged sponsorship as the agreement was drawn up with Parker.

The team are currently seeking advice from Student Support Services and are hoping that their Easter term

will end with the sponsorship being reinstated.

The manageress was unavailable for comment, and until any resolution is made, the netball team face financial difficulty.

Briscoe added: “Without the sponsorship we can’t afford to pay for court hire. We’ve had to borrow money from another society so that we can train.”

Similar experience? Let us know: news@gairrhydd.com

Can studnts spell?

Professors appalled by students’ poor writing skills call for drastic improvements Corinne Rhoades Reporter

CLODIEN AVENUE: Bumper to bumper

Lee Macaulay Reporter LOCAL RESIDENTS ARE furious at students for clogging up residential parking spaces around Allensbank House in Gabalfa.

Students living at Allensbank House have been accused of parking on Clodien Avenue, leaving no

space for homeowners to park on their street.

A condition of staying at Allensbank House, however, is that residents are banned from parking their cars within a three-kilometre radius of the halls, essentially banning Allensbank residents from using cars in Cardiff.

The same restrictions apply on many of the University’s own hall of

residences.

Allensbank is a joint project of Cardiff University and Unite Student Housing with almost 380 Cardiff University students living there.

Rent is charged by the University’s Residences and Catering Division but the halls are managed by Unite on behalf of the University.

MANY STUDENTS are ‘appallingly bad’ when it comes to their written English, two university professors have announced.

Students cannot spell, punctuate or construct sentences correctly, according to the professors, who say these failures will have ‘serious consequences’.

The professors of psychology, both from Hertfordshire University, have made urgent calls for ‘evidence-based solutions’ to improve students’ writing skills.

As well as their lack of proficiency in English, lecturers often find it impossible to understand what stu-

dents mean.

When asked, most students are also unable to explain themselves and cannot distinguish between spoken and written English.

Professor Martin Coyle, Head of English at Cardiff University, attributed the problem to the popularity of new forms of communication, such as email and text messaging. He said: “Different forms of writing have resulted in a seepage from formal to informal language.”

This inability to communicate well will inevitably lead to a generation of poor thinkers, the professors have warned.

Their urgent appeals have already attracted ideas from Canada, the US and Australia about how best to solve this growing problem.

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NEWS

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Elections special: News rounds up the campaign week action

The week in pictures Photographers capture the campaign week mayhem across campus

A day in the life of...

A voter 8.50am

On way to lectures I am now approaching the gauntlet that is the crossroads.

The plan is to keep my head down and hope that no one notices me.

12.30pm Quick break for lunch, pop to the Taf Coffee Corner for a muffin. Bad plan you guessed it, the fancy dress maniacs hang out in here too. I solemnly promise to vote for them in the hope they’ll go away.

8.51am No such luck.

Greeted by someone who has way too much enthusiasm for this time of the morning, wearing a quite ridiculous costume (that they’ll live to regret) I feign interest in their campaign, politely accept a leaflet, grab the biggest handful of sweets I can manage and continue to lectures.

3.00pm Having purchased a ticket for tonight at the union I am zigzagging speedily down the steps avoiding the various ‘obstacles’ before me. Credit where credit’s due though, these lot certainly are persistent.

11.00am A candidate is desperately trying to convince my lecturer to allow them a couple of minutes to recite their policies. I don’t much care for listening to another spiel but this isn’t my favourite module so if they last out the hour they can definitely have my vote.

11.30pm It’s amazing how fun the campaign hype now seems when you’ve had a few drinks. Having acquired several items of ‘candidate memorabilia’ (which everyone seems to want to steal from me, much to my utter outrage) I have now also been covered in stamps.

Election sets new precedents Record numbers of candidates run for positions, but many non-sabbatical positions remain unfilled despite the lure of a part-time wage Continued from front page Students’ Union election turnout of any UK university.

The choice of candidates was also broader than any other year, with 39 people running for the six sabbatical positions and eight non-sabbatical positions that constitute Cardiff Students’ Union’s executive.

Vote counting began on Wednesday, and was completed in an unprecedented time of less than 24 hours, with no formal complaints being filed.

This was in contrast with last year’s presidential elections, the result of which was not announced until two months after elections took place, due to questions over the legality of candidates’ conduct.

Many posts were hotly contested this year, with four positions won by a margin of less than 100 votes. Three recounts were called for AU Vice President, the final post to be announced just after midday on Thursday, with Ben Turner emerging

victorious 54 votes ahead of his closest competitor.

The smallest margin, however, was that which decided the winner of AU Vice President, with Scott Piggot beating Tiree Atkinson by just 24 votes.

Many posts were hotly contested, with four positions won by a margin of less than 100 votes The innovation of paying non-sabbatical officers for their labours did not produce the upsurge in candidates that was expected, with only half of the posts being contested, and no candidates running for several others.

Vice President Ed Jones attributed this to the fact that the decision to pay non-sabbatical officers was not confirmed until shortly before the close of nominations for the positions.

The motion to pay non-sabbatical officers a part-time wage was passed at the 2007 Annual General Meeting on February 21, and was predicted to encourage more students to apply for the posts.

Nominations for unfilled positions, such as Women’s Officer and Health and Welfare Officer, will reopen in autumn, allowing candidates to run in Union by-elections.

Around 300 more students than last year turned out to vote, but a vast majority remained silent, failing to show their opinion on which candidates are best suited to become the caretakers of their student experience next year.

What did you think of the 2007 elections? Let us know at www.gairrhydd.com

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gair rhydd concludes its coverage on the student elections by t

President

Vice- President

Jonny Cox

Rowena Vassallo At the moment, I’m just feeling relieved, but also really exhausted.

It’s been a tiring week or so.

As far as preparation for the job goes, I think the campaigning was pretty good preparation already. I’ll have to psyche myself up a bit, but I think the training with Ed Jones over the summer will be really beneficial.

I thought campaigning was a great success regardless of the result. My team had a great time and we really enjoyed ourselves, which I think was the most important thing.

During the count I was feeling completely sick with nerves! It was really nerve-wracking.

My first main priority when I take over will be to get much better communication between the students and the Union, and secondly we’ll be focusing on the Fresher Representative Scheme.

I’m very happy now that it’s all sunk in. Immediately after it had been counted it was so tense in the room that I couldn’t really enjoy it. Everyone’s put their heart and soul into weeks of preparation for this and they all did really well.

Although some people might be tempted not to take me seriously because of my condom campaign, I think that my success proves that that was just a gimmick and that I have the confidence, abilities and manifesto to do this job well.

These elections, as much as any previous ones, show that you need a gimmick to get noticed and get into office because of the way the Cardiff elections are run.

I’m really looking forward to getting my hands on the Union and making Cardiff students my number one priority. At the moment the Union panders to corporations and other institutions too much.

I hope to draw on my wide experience of student life while in the role, such as my involvement in the business society, and university and IMG sport.

Education and Welfare Officer Jo Plummer

gair rhydd editor Amy Harrison I am absolutely ecstatic, and can’t stop smiling. I’ve been mentally planning my campaign for the last year and now it is all over, I can’t believe it.

I remember in my first year looking up to the editor Gary Andrews with the utmost respect and can’t believe that I am now part of that legacy.

I think tonight will be spent falling between pubs and drinking lots.

I managed to do the whole nine days of campaigning without alcohol so, I’ve got some making up to do now.

I felt like everything was stacked against me during the week of campaigning, particularly with my manifesto misprint. I had no idea which way the votes would fall. But I was confident that all three of us could and would do a fantastic job.

I have lots of ideas for gair rhydd next year, but I really want to properly research exactly what students want to read in their student newspaper. During campaigning I learnt that lots of students want page three girls, more sudoku and the crossword answers.

Ultimately I want to produce a newspaper that appeals to as many students as possible and reflects the diversity of Cardiff. I am so appreciative of the opportunity I have been given and will be giving the job my all.

It feels really, really good to have won. I wanted this position so much since I helped campaign for my friend in elections last year.

The low of the week for me was hearing some students walk past the voting area, when I was out of costume, and someone said they were not voting because all the candidates were ‘twats’ this year.

The highs were definitely campaigning, even though my position was uncontested, I wanted people to know I am passionate about this role.

My plans for the coming year include: integrating the main campus with Heath Park Campus; more publicity of events such as Global Village; following the introduction of 10 hours pay a week for non-sabbs I want to try and start several training programmes for people on the committees of societies, so that they also have a reward for all their hard work.

The best of the blog: some of the gems from the online live commentary Wednesday, March 21 10.20 The counters are still verifying the votes. I imagine they’ll be doing that for a while.

11.29 The current President has appeared to ‘check things over’. gair rhydd believes his clothes were a little too tight.

12.49 Counters are still sorting the papers. It doesn’t look like we’ll be hearing all the results today.

13.52

Ed Jones plays some foo fighters on his laptop. Why not Xpress Radio? Controversial!

14.50 Counters have just been told that if there is a tick or a cross next to a candidate on a voting slip, this will be counted as a number one.

16.37 A minor army of campaigners/ curious parties have arrived for the AU Vice announcement expected at some point.

16.55 Debate is raging among those in

charge as how best to inform unsuccessful candidates – phone, email, text, carrier pigeon, or fire beacon.

17.45 Conferring going on among the officials… the tension is in fact deadly 18.09 Tears and hugs are flowing freely here in the Union, with the GR editor-elect Amy Harrison crying with triumph. The closeness of the vote pulled at everybody’s heartstrings until the end.

19.07 Whispered conferring between the returning officer and the SPI candidates – everyone else in the room is straining hard to hear.

19.09 While candidates for AU and SPI have important conversations with Scott Farmer, Syd Lawrence is handing out Dominos Pizza.

Thursday, March 22 9.33 We’re back online. Good morning.

10.25

Pearls of Wisdom from Andy Farquharson: We need people who are good at observing piles. Jonny Cox thanks Andy for such wisdom in a time of great stress.

10.34 Jo Dingle has just walked in wearing a massive pair of sunglasses.

The AU Ball claims another casualty?

11.37 Apparently, there is an issue with the total number of votes for AU Prez which has led to numerous recounts.

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taking a little time to get to know the newly-elected candidates

Athletic Union President AU President

Ben Turner At the moment, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed as I didn’t expect it in all honesty, but really happy.

Over the campaigning weeks I’ve spoken to loads of different sports club members and I now feel I know a lot more about what people are wanting to see happen in the AU, so hopefully that’ll help me next year.

I really enjoyed the campaign, especially the nights out when I just got to talk to lots of people. I’d like to say a really big thank you to everyone who helped me. I couldn’t have done it without you, and I’ll buy you all a pint!

During the count, I wasn’t really nervous at all until the results of other positions were announced. We were told on Wednesday night how close the AU count was and then had to wait overnight for a recount, which made me a bit more nervous. I woke up before my alarm on the Thursday and arrived at the Union expecting the count to be finished, but it still went to a third recount!

My main priority when I take over the position is to basically improve facilities and encourage all students to participate in sport following the success of the ‘Invest in Sport’ campaign.

Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer Sally Airey I’m feeling absolutely elated! I can’t believe it, and it really hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m walking around in a little bubble with people coming up and congratulating me; it’s lovely!

In preparation, I’m going to speak to and spend as much time with Katy Dobbs, the current SPI officer, as I can, to really learn as much as I can.

And I think I need to just keep up-to-date with what’s going on.

I was really shattered a lot of the time during campaigning, but all the campaigners were really supportive, and everyone was encouraging each other to just keep going and keep enjoying it. It was tiring but great fun!

I couldn’t stay there for the results, it was just so tense. You’re sitting there trying to work out which pile is yours and as the rounds of counting went on you didn’t even know if you were still in the running.

But that said, all the candidates were really supportive of one another.

When I take the position, I really want to remember that there are three jobs within one and make sure I include all of these. For the international students there’s the prayer room which I’ll be overseeing over the summer, and then obviously just trying to follow my manifesto as well I can.

Quench Editor/Ben Bryant I’m ecstatic to have won; really happy - it feels so good.

The week was full of emotional highs and lows. The major low was finding out that my campaign

clashed with a candidate running for AU president. So I had to redesign my whole campaign in six hours; it was really stressful and I nearly pulled out of the running!

My plans for Quench are to work on the website, put a full page cartoon at the back, include restaurant reviews for food, and perhaps a redesign of the music section.

Race Equality Officer/Abdullah Kahloon I’m feeling ecstatic. Being only a first year at the moment and knowing that I’m going into my second year as a member of the Union Executive is really exciting.

Compared to some of the candi-

dates running for the other positions my campaign was a little relaxed as I wasn’t up against anyone. In a way, I would have preferred to have some competition!

I aim to break cultural barriers through knowledge with the stance

‘knowledge is power’. I want to hold cultural events to bring all our cultural societies together to help understand one another better.

There will also be the start of the Racial Equality Committee to tackle issues of racial discrimination.

Students with Disabilities Officer/Ted Shiress I am delighted that my position of Disability Officer has been confirmed, although I am aware that I have a lot to do.

I am looked forward to making

changes to the facilities and support for students with disabilities.

My first priority is to establish my role and give disabled students a figure who represents them and

they can talk to. Over the next few months, I will gain information regarding the roles I will be taking and the immediate concerns of students here with disabilities.

Ethical and Environmental Officer/John Cowie Right now, I’m feeling quite tired!

To prepare, I think I just need to keep track of what needs doing. I won’t know exactly what I’m doing until issues arise, but I’ve been doing a lot this year so I’ll carry on

with that and start some new projects as well.

I probably could have put myself out there for campaigning a bit more but I felt that my manifesto and policies were good, so hopefully people saw that.

My main concern is that we don’t lose momentum on environmental issues, put in recycling facilities and continue to work towards Fairtrade status. Also, I’m keen for the university to invest ethically and take their money out of arms.

Heath Park Campus Officer/David Jones I’m really happy with the result.

To prepare for the job, I want to get myself acknowledged and known as the Heath Officer so that people can approach me and we can work on communication with other

schools. I ran quite a low-key campaign mainly focusing at the Heath Campus, but I really enjoyed speaking at Hustings. It was a shame that the demands of my course didn’t really let me take part in all that fun

that was going on around the Union. My first priority is to increase the communication between Cathays and Heath Park campus, and also the get the Med Club going again.

Xpress Radio Station Manager/Rich Collins I’m feeling awesome at the moment! It’s been a really long week but the result has been a great finish for me.

To prepare for the role, I’m going to spend the summer researching more about what I can do, and decide where I want to go

with the station. And then I think I’ll be setting targets to get things underway.

Campaigning was a really enjoyable experience. I got to meet lots of interesting people.

My main priority when I take over the position will be to incorpo-

rate sports and societies into the station more, with pitch-side reporters for example, so hopefully then we’ll have more listeners and will raise the profile of the societies, sport teams and Xpress at the same time.

AU Vice President/Scott Piggott At the moment, I’m just really looking forward to getting into the challenge.

I felt campaigning went really successfully, but it does take it out of you, going to bed late and getting up early. But I had a great campaign

team that were really helpful and supportive.

During my count, I was on my way to Tesco when I got a call from Ed telling me that I’d won. But I’m really glad that I wasn’t in the count room because I was there when SPI

officer was announced and it was really tense and emotional.

I’m keen to carry through Cardiff University Superstars, an event where clubs put forward a top athlete over a series of sporting events to then find the ultimate athlete.

What do you think of the candidates? What do you want them to do for you next year?

Let us know at www.gairrhydd.com

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WORLD NEWS World News in brief Samantha Shillabeer Reporter

MARCH.26.2007 NEWS@gairrhydd.COM

A Grand Opening William Taylor Reporter

Buried Alive A PUPPY that 'died' in a car accident crawled home after being buried for seven hours.

The Chinese poodle, called Dudu, was hit by a van after he was taken out for a walk and, believing he was dead, the owner buried him.

But later they were shocked to find that he had dug his way out of the grave and was only suffering from shock.

In an engineering first the Grand Canyon opens a glass skywalk

Boozy Vision POLISH POLICE are forcing drink drivers to wear specially designed beer goggles to show them how alcohol affects their driving.

Officers in Koscian arranged for those caught drink driving to put on the goggles that distort their vision in the same way as alcohol does.

They then have to get in a car and can see how hard it is to focus.

Corpse on a plane

THOUSANDS OF people are flocking to see paintings of Jesus Christ which are believed to be bleeding.

A resident of the Andaman Islands in India found red fluid trickling down a painting in his house.

He lit candles and said prayers to try to stop the bleeding but instead another picture started trickling paint.

Since then, hundreds of people have visited his home to see the images for themselves.

Amnesty International claims unfair trial

FLIGHT: Deadly

James Stileman Reporter

Jesus Bleeding

ONE OF THE EIGHT wonders of the world is set to open a new raised glass viewing platform that will allow sightseers to experience the breathtaking views of the Grand Canyon.

Described as an engineering first, rising 4,000ft (1,220m) from the canyon's floor and 70ft (20m) beyond its rim, the new platform has been dubbed ‘the Skywalk.’

The site is owned by the Hualapai Indians who are hoping to attract visitors to the area, which has high levels of unemployment.

Andy Gallacher, from the BBC said: “For the majority, this is an investment that will bring much needed cash.”

Yet not all of the Hualapai Indians are embracing the Skywalk project with such enthusiasm.

Some tribal members say the new viewing platform is a ‘desecration of sacred ground.’

Dolores Honga, a tribal elder said: “When that Skywalk came about it hit me like I was being stabbed.”

Coupled with this there has also been concern from environmentalists

about the effect the new glass bridge will have on one of the world’s greatest natural beauties.

The Skywalk’s construction has been in motion since March 2004 and will open to the public on 28 March.

The platform has been built to hold a capacity of 120 people at any one time.

The glass bridge will be able to withstand winds in excess of 100mph (161km/h), as well as an 8.0-magnitude earthquake within 50 miles (80.5km).

It is believed that former astronaut Edwin Aldrin will be among the first to experience the new walkway.

David Jin, a Las Vegas businessman, originally raised the money to build the Skywalk. However, the Hualapai tribe will be given the platform in exchange for a percentage of the profits gained from the tourist attraction.

Sheri Yellowhawk, another tribe member, said: "When we have so much poverty and so much unemployment, we have to do something.

“It sounded like a good idea.”

For the majority of the Hualapai tribe, the Skywalk is an investment in their own future and a chance for poor people to get a slice of a lucrative tourism market.

A BUSINESSMAN flying first class on a British Airways (BA) longhaul flight was woken from his sleep when air stewards placed a corpse in his row.

The woman, in her 70s, died shortly after the plane left Delhi to fly to Heathrow.

Paul Trinder, 54, described how he was disturbed from sleep by the sound of the cabin crew moving the woman into the seat.

He said: “I didn’t have a clue what was going on, the stewards just plonked the body down without saying a thing. I remember looking at this frail, sparrow-like woman and thinking she was very ill. She kept slipping under the seatbelt and moving about with the motion of the plane. When I asked what was going on I was shocked to hear she was dead.”

The woman’s daughter and son-inlaw, who were also on the flight, soon came forward to first-class and began

grieving.

The daughter was said to have cried and wailed for the rest of the journey.

Mr Trinder, called his experience ‘terrifying’ and said he put in his earplugs but couldn’t escape the ‘intense, primal sound’ of the daughter’s cries.

Once the flight had landed, everyone in first-class was held behind for around an hour so that the coroner could give the all clear.

The police also began their investigation and even interviewed Mr Trinder, who flies over 200,000 miles a year with BA, as a potential suspect.

He said: “I just kept thinking to myself: ‘I’ve paid more than £3,000 for this.”

A BA spokesman said that there are, on average, ten deaths every year onboard their flights.

The spokesman acknowledged that it can be very difficult and disturbing when a passenger passes away on a flight.

Mr Trinder has been told he will not receive any compensation.

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL: Angry

Natalie Parkinson Reporter AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL has condemned a trial that sentenced two Sudanese women to death by stoning under Islamic law in north Sudan.

The trials of Sadia Idriss Fadul and Amouna Abdallah Daldoum were convicted of adultery under Sharia law February 13 and March 6 respectively.

Amnesty International alleges that the women’s human rights have been violated as they were not provided with a lawyer or

interpreter at the case which took place in Arabic.

Neither women are able to speak Arabic as they do not come from Arab tribes, leading Amnesty to comment: “They were not able to defend themselves, as their first languages are those of their ethnic groups.”

The male indicted in Fadul’s case was not prosecuted as it was found that there was insufficient evidence against him.

Although this could call Fadul’s guilt into question, both executions will go ahead whenever the state sees fit to carry out the sentences.

gairrhydd 9

EDITORIAL & OPINION

MARCH.26.2007 OPINIONS@gairrhydd.COM the voice of gairrhydd

freewords Est. 1972

No electile dysfunction Johnny Cox, Rowena Vassallo, Jo Plummer, Ben Turner, Sally Airey and Amy Harrison, the six student officers elected by you this week, have a mammoth task ahead of them.

They have to fight for the rights of all 25,000 students at Cardiff University over the next year. It’s not an easy job: there are thousands of very different people with very different needs requiring very different representation. Only time will tell whether they are up to the job or not.

Along with seven non-sabbatical officers they were elected in one of the smoothest-running elections in recent years. Although there were plenty of behind-the-scene disagreements between candidates, no official complaints were made. The count, which took over two months to complete last year, took a mere 24-hours.

And there were more voters and candidates than ever before. It truly was a massive election. gair rhydd believes that the success of this year’s week of democracy was down to a number of things. Firstly, the current executive have been more visible to your average student than previous teams have. They have used alternative means of communicating with the student body (few teams have ever used the stage of Solus to promote an anti-fees protest) and in doing so have made it more known than ever that it is elected representatives who control the Union.

Scott Farmer, the Returning Officer and the man who controls the elections, has also had a strong impact on the complaint-free week. His speech at the initial candidates meeting made it clear that he would not tolerate any kind of rule-breaking during the week.

It’s nice to finally see some return on our £56,000 yearly contribution to the NUS, the National Union of Students.

But perhaps, more importantly, the attitude of this year’s candidates has helped to make these elections so successful. The camaraderie between opposing teams was clear from the outset and there hasn’t been the petty squabbling that usually litters student elections.

These elections have been different to previous ones in so many ways: there has been more voters, more candidates, and fewer complaints.

Sadly, however, some things never change. The lax, even negative, attitude towards the elections held by too many in the student body is still apparent.

Too many people vote for the person they think has the silliest hat/ funniest slogan/ best t-shirt. Too many people refuse to vote because they believe the process is a farse. Too many people don’t vote because they don’t even know what it’s all about, Next year’s sabbatical team must address this.

Time for action

Tim Hewish argues that, despite the controversy over the UK’s wars in the Middle East, we have a responsibility to intervene in Zimbabwe, where the life expectancy is just 33

Z

imbabwe, often referred to as the breadbasket of Africa, has been reduced to a lowly bucket of filth and dirt.

Political democracy in Africa has never fully existed. So, last week’s pictures of the opposition leader, Morgan Tsvangirai, physically beaten up along with many party activists, was yet another example of the long line of humanity’s growing misdemeanours in the 21st century.

These scenes aren’t too dissimilar to 1930s Nazi Germany, rounding up the communists, homosexuals, the disabled and Jewish communities; or Stalinist Russia, with the gulags waiting for any political dissenter to be swept away, never to be seen again.

The root cause of the problem is one Mr Robert Mugabe, the socialist despot, who claims to be the freedom fighter against colonialism and capitalism. On the fourth anniversary of the Iraq war, it seems fitting to open up the debate on illegal wars against just ones.

Thursday’s Question Time panel were quick to distance themselves from military action in Zimbabwe, knowing the pitfalls of another Iraq label being attached. Blair called Iraq a matter of humanitarian intervention.

However, I believe this term could be better applied to the recent plight of millions of Zimbabweans.

When witnessing countries appeasing and dodging the big issues it is hard to believe that peace is a realistic ambition One victim said: “We are living from hand to mouth, like animals.

People here are as poor as animals.”

Another added, “Besides attending to our basic needs, we live under victimisation. We cannot express ourselves.”

Now, I very rarely agree with Tony Blair’s rhetoric, but these accounts surely convey a need for humanitarian intervention. It’s a depressing thing to see a world that is unwilling to act. For example, our so-called European partners - and I use that term tenuously are averse to sending any troops to help out the British in Afghanistan.

It is meant to be a joint UN effort, but European nations are afraid to commit soldiers to fight the Taliban, in fear of the terrorist repercussions of

ZIMBABWE: Crikey such actions. Living in fear only leads to instability and lets the terrorists wallow in a twisted sense of victory.

The crux of this opinion piece will alienate many paid up members of the student socialist group, as I’m advocating military action in Zimbabwe.

However, when witnessing countries appeasing and dodging the big issues which face the world today, it is hard to believe that lasting peace is a realistic ambition.

You cannot out-rationalise or convince a dictator that his policy towards his people or other nations is incorrect.

I am aware many Stalin-embracing socialists will cite George W as the above figure; however, this is not the issue at stake . Zimbabwe is.

The clamour for yet more economic sanctions will undoubtedly affect those very people we are trying to save, as food, energy and other basic resources will be prohibited; only the very rich Mugabe’s elites - will carry on unaffected. This leads to the only possibility left to rid Zimbabwe of Mugabe, that of military action and the role we have to play.

Britain has a central role to play in coercive action, as Head of the Commonwealth and former ruler of Zimbabwe, we have a duty to act.

Claire Short MP feels this would be inappropriate, but surely trying to free a nation from tyrannical rule and forging a new democracy is desirable.

Under British rule life expectancy was 66. Now, under Mugabe, it is half of that: a feeble 33. The economy is riddled with such stories as “Your

www.gairrhydd.com

money erodes before you. Say that today you have 10 million Zimbabwean dollars in the bank; tomorrow it will be eight million, and at the end of week it will be nothing.”

Hyper inflation is crippling the country where once Zimbabwe shared the fruitfulness of being under Britain’s economic protection.

This time the facts for using military action are not hidden or manufactured by Blair Socialists will say this reeks of colonialism and the Iraq war. However this time the facts for using military action are not hidden or manufactured

by Blair. The injustice and barbarism of the Mugabe regime is clear to see.

Our Armed forces could act quickly, toppling Zimbabwe’s totalitarian government, but the real action would be in the restructuring, which our army does so well.

It is neglected by the leftwing press that our army single handedly has established telecommunications in Iraq and gave 80% of the country access to the internet. The rebuilding process, after military force, would be a long one, but it would be less of a burden if every Western nation chipped in with resources.

I urge left-wing students to put

aside their reservations about war; it is only a small part in the process of ushering in a more just world to live in.

Freedom is not free and a call to arms is often key to helping fellow men.

War is the ultimate dichotomy in that it can represent the greatest act humanity can ever engage in, to fight for what is right, just and fair, while on the other hand it can be contorted, used as a force for evil, oppression, and dystopia.

If we did not stand up to Hitler’s might, we would have been enslaved by a megalomaniac; the phrase ‘the sword of justice’ shouldn’t be lost on today’s humanity. In a world where no country is willing to right any wrongs, Britain should show the world our democratic credentials.

With the bi-centenary of the abolition of the Slave Trade, it is important to remember Britain being the first country to end slavery and using our great navy to attack other naval colonial powers, freeing their slaves and setting up free-towns across Africa.

It isn’t enough to give two pounds a month, satiating our middle class guilt, and feeling the world is a safer place.

Our government’s aid is no better, as it lines the pockets of the self-proclaimed Royalty of Africa. So who should it fall upon to save the world?

Words will not save the day; and evil prevails when good men fail to act.

What do you think? Let us know on our new comments section at www.gairrhydd.com

Your student newspaper, online every Saturday

10 gairrhydd

EDITORIAL & OPINION

MARCH.26.2007 OPINION@gairrhydd.COM

Studying Class(ics) From 2008, UCAS application forms will include a question regarding the educational background of parents. Amy Simpson and Katherine Webster Dunstan explore the issue

F

ollowing a meeting of the Universities and Colleges Admission Services (UCAS) board on the 9th March it has been announced that from 2008, UCAS application forms will feature a new question regarding your parent’s educational background, at the request of the Higher Education Statistics Agency. The new proposal has sparked controversy amid allegations of discrimination and social engineering in the application process.

The question, ‘Do any of your parents have any higher education qualifications, such as a degree, diploma or certificate of higher education?’ along with existing requests for information regarding parental income and occupation, is yet another way of discovering the social backgrounds of potential undergraduates. Although answering the question is not compulsory, prospective students fear that not disclosing this information may still lead to discrimination.

The decision to include this question is part of the government’s continuing campaign to ensure that people from all social backgrounds should have an equal opportunity to participate in and benefit from higher education. UCAS’s most recent figures on the socio-economic background of students from the least advantaged groups applying to university illustrates an increase from 29.5% in 2001 to 32.1% in 2006. The government feel that the inclusion of this new question will aid them in building on this upward trend.

A UCAS spokesperson argued that the only reason this data is being col-

lected is for statistical purposes, and to help universities collect data on how successful they have been in meeting the government’s plans to drive up the number of lower class undergraduates.

However, this has been contradicted by Mike Hill, chief executive of the Higher Education Careers Service Unit (HECSU), whose Futuretrack survey has underpinned UCAS’s decision, who claims such knowledge can “enable admissions tutors to select the best candidates”. We question how your parent’s educational background makes you a “better candidate” or not.

Do you not feel your application should be judged on your own merit and achievements, rather than your social background?

Are our universities being pressurised to favour applicants from less educated backgrounds?

UCAS are now also investigating the practicalities of disclosing student’s ethnicity and parent’s occupation for the first time. Although this data has been collected for many years, it is currently unavailable to universities until the end of the admissions cycle. Additionally, a new question regarding whether applicants have ever been in council care will feature on the 2008 form.

So, how would the additional information provided affect your chances of

Andy Rennison discusses the consistent debate surrounding student fees and realises just how complicated it all is

H

umans are always missing the point, right? Like those people who saw Britney’s desperate 8-ball of a head and thought ‘Goodness, she’s never going to get on MTV looking like that.’

Some of us miss more points than others. Every now and again I see those socialist students putting up their perfectly-balanced table up outside the Union. Usually, as you know, they stand there spouting fury against any further increases in tuition fees.

A few weeks ago I walked past this stall of utopian fantasy at a particularly poignant hour of my life. My latest round of results had been put up, and once again I had, like many of my contemporaries, been able to blag a series of academic victories from the jaws of well-deserved failure.

And it was as I pondered how hol-

low my degree was becoming that I strolled by the socialist students and their anti-fees crusade. Then I realised, we’re missing the point: the real social injustice is not higher fees, but flat-rate fees.

An Engineering student, let’s call him Christos, does uni days of nine ‘til five, averages a dozen hours a week on coursework and works himself into a coma revising for regular exams.

An English student, let’s call him Clements, rarely leaves bed before noon, averages a dozen hours of Pro Evo a week and works for a few hours revising for the one exam of his final year.

These stereotypes may not be 100% representative, but are not far off the mark. There is a huge discrepancy between the amount of work, stress and spiritual expenditure the typical, say, medic endures compared to your

getting a place at your chosen university when in the hands of the decision makers? Some have argued this background information will give admissions tutors an insight into who is more likely to succeed in the higher education experience. Drummond Bone, the president of the Vice Chancellors group, Universities UK, said “There is no benefit for a university in taking on students who cannot profit from higher education, or setting them up to fail”.

Clearly Mr Bone believes that you can judge someone’s potential to succeed at university by these criteria, something we strongly dispute.

Hypothetically, if admissions officers are faced with two candidates with identical grades but different social backgrounds, one from a middle class home who was privately educated, and the other from a lower working class background, who will be chosen?

Surely whatever decision the university makes, the question of class discrimination will be raised nonetheless.

Therefore we ask: are our universities being pressurised to favour applicants from less educated backgrounds in order to appear committed to diversifying their student base?

One parent commented on the announcement: “Do we all have to start pretending that mum and dad are working class or scrounging class so that our kids get into uni?” Concerns have also been raised by the President of the Girls Schools Association, Pat Langham, who believes favouring candidates whose parents didn’t go on to higher education is artificial and amounts to social engineering. Wes Streeting , The National Union of typical media scholar.

At this enlightenment, things seemed acutely unjust all of a sudden.

Why should I, a lazy English third year who suffers headaches if he sees preafternoon daylight, pay the same annual fee as an undergraduate whose life will be shorter for the stress of it all?

Some critics have suggested that those students who spend longer in uni each day should in fact pay more, as they cost more lecturer hours to teach.

But surely to charge extra for those more socially-valuable courses will deter people from becoming dentists or accountants, and instead encourage would-be freshers to aim at those cheaper yet useless degrees.

The provision of courses such as Surf Science and Golf course Management at UK institutions is in itself a drain on precious higher education funding. It is perhaps surprising then that in the fiery midst of fee debate, no serious thought has been given to the varying value of qualifications.

The problem is, no sooner do you recognise this systematic wrong, then you see too how impossible it is to solve.

EDUCATION: Classy Students vice-president, however, has described the furore as a “knee-jerk” reaction and “welcomes moves to allow universities to better understand the experience of students as they brave the application process”.

Amid the heat of this class-fuelled debate, then, it is important not to ignore the potential benefits these moves could bring. For example, by identifying applicant’s parents’ educational background, it has been suggested that universities will be able to better identify and support those who need it, during both the selection process and their further study. Ideally, the extra information obtained will benefit applicants from less educated

backgrounds, yet will not make it harder for other prospective students. This sentiment is echoed by the General Secretary of Independent Schools, Jonathon Shephard, who declared there should be “no problem if the information was used solely for research; however, it should not be disclosed to universities as it has no relevance to admissions tutors”.

Following Oxford University’s announcement that they would ignore this new data anyway, we conclude by questioning whether the uproar surrounding this addition to the application form for 2008 is a load of hot air if Unis are only going to disregard the information.

The immediate solution is to grade uni courses according to the number of hours spent working/years taken off life they entail, and charge along those rankings. But this answer raises too many questions.

The bottom line is that as soon as you bring subjective variation into the fee system, the complications amass to insurmountable levels.

And yet, despite the shortcomings of this one option, there is a still a wider point that none of us should miss.

Sure, course-based fees are a flawed idea, but we should at least raise it.

There is too much of a tendency among us students to only debate a single option; over fees, you were either pro or anti – nobody talked about alternative funding like graduate donation schemes or private-public partnerships.

The debate forums of the gair rhydd website illustrate this all too clearly, with specific issues being turned into polarised ‘them and us’ battles.

Thought needs instead to be given to thinking outside the box, to exploring more than just two angles to a problem; otherwise the democratic underpinnings of this campus won’t be worth the constitution they’re written on.

No sooner do you recognise this systematic wrong, then you see too how impossible it is to solve Who decides how valuable a degree is? One man’s Architecture is another man’s Aardvark Studies. Even if agreement could be reached over the fee classification for courses, these would have to be revised regularly as the scales continually tip. If Engineering is highly valued at a mere £2,000 a year, more students will flock to it and Britain will in five years be flooded with a surplus of bridge-builders; the fee category will need to be changed, but on what figures and measurements do you then base that change?

What do you think? Let us know at www.gairrhydd.com

gairrhydd

EDITORIAL & OPINION

MARCH.26.2007 OPINION@gairrhydd.COM

Cheataholics

With the news that 16% of GCSE and A-Level students are being disqualified for cheating, Andrew Price asks: is it really all that bad?

O

nce upon a time, I was a young troubled teen. I had GCSE coursework deadlines and I couldn’t cope with any of them. My mother intervened, knowing all about the subject I struggled with the most, and not wanting me to fail a subject that she’d always been so successful in. She probably wrote 90% of my coursework for me.

When I finally handed it in, suddenly that struggling quiet kid was the shining star of the class. It was horrible. Suddenly I was asked about everything; all questions were directed at me. I had to do all the work. By the time the exams arrived I was terrified of being exposed as a cheat.

I got my best marks in that exam.

The panic had transformed me from a failing no-hoper into a model student.

My exam was used as an example for other years. I almost feel bad. But not bad enough to tell them.

By the time the exams arrived I was terrified of being exposed as a cheat I was surprised, then, to hear that 16% of students at GCSE and A-Level were disqualified for cheating. It seemed to me a high figure. But at the same time, I also realise that a lot more people could, and potentially would, cheat. We’re all tempted at some point, because of stress, because we want to be better, or because we just don’t want to do a piece of work. I often jokingly ask other people to write my essays for me.

Lazy people cheat; that’s what most people think. Actually, the very opposite is true. Conning and lying are the hardest things to do without getting caught. The pretence, the secrecy, the potentially life-destroying outcomes.

Everyone keeps secrets in their lives.

Even I would never write this, if everyone was to know who I was.

Teachers sometimes encourage cheating. They often do it themselves.

After all, they don’t want a class of pupils to fail. Neither would the school. Neither would a government keen on targets and figures, and the impression of success. Some may take a moral stance, but some will happily edit, change and oversee mistakes that could reflect badly on their abilities.

It’s terrible, but forgivable too. Except to the people who are disqualified, perhaps.

Cheating is a complex problem, which is not so black and white. It is not just a case of right or wrong, but what can be understood, what can be forgiven, and what is truly appalling.

Once in an exam, I sat in a small group with a pregnant invigilator who needed toilet breaks. Someone behind me

11

was struggling and asked me for the answer to a question. I deliberately gave them the wrong answer. Did they really think I would tell them?

Plagiarism is something universities regard as despicable and unforgivable.

And rightly so. It’s theft, and really, as cheating goes, is just the most stupid and lazy thing to do. All departments and all examiners look for plagiarism.

It’s the most obvious thing to catch out.

Last year a friend of mine graduated from university. She studied Drama, and wasn’t doing too well. She found the work hard, and could very rarely meet deadlines. Before she graduated she told me she wasn’t too worried about her marks. She was sleeping with the lecturer. She was promised a first. Her boyfriend was OK with the situation, as long as she got the grade.

I’ve never really decided what was the most disturbing part of her confession. That she was cheating. That her boyfriend was happily aware of it. Or the fact that he was an ugly lecturer and that I didn’t need that mental picture for the rest of my life.

I think worse than the act, though, was the fact that this wasn’t even the first time in that department, in that university. In fact, it seemed to be pretty much a standard there. Rumours were spread all the time, and I’d heard

them. But until she told me her secret, I never really believed it. She’s a postgraduate now, still at that university.

As are a few other people, who’ve become tutors. I’m guessing they all slept with the same lecturer.

Cheating is a complex problem.

It is not just a case of right and wrong It’s sad to think that three years of university, mounting debts, and endless reading and deadlines will have been a waste of time, because all you needed to do was lie down and spread your legs. It seems, though, that was how they worked. Everyone did it, and nobody talked about it.

Who knows how often it happens?

The whole idea taints and destroys the hard work of university (and A-level, and GCSE). Those surprise successes; those friendly conversations between lecturers and their students: it may not be as honest as you think. Once you’ve seen the mean, manipulative nature of university life, it’s hard to see it any other way.

For some, cancer is a daily battle. For others, it is an enigma. Is the public being fully informed of the dangers and causes of this disease?

Richard Lombardo thinks not

1

in 3 people will get cancer.

This is the least talked about c-word in this country, and there is a good chance that it is going to affect your life, whether it is you or someone you know. How much does the average person really know about this devastating killer? The first thing that pops into mind may be surgery or chemotherapy, both of which are ‘frontline’ treatments in conventional medicine. But when there is every chance of cancer affecting our lives, then surely it is moral and sensible to try and find out more.

What is cancer? It is the uncontrolled division of cells, usually manifested as a malignant tumour. The next logical question: what causes cancer?

According to conventional medicine, cancer can be caused by poor diet, smoking, environmental pollutants and genetic predisposition.

However, cervical cancer is believed to be brought on by HPV: Human Papilloma Virus. HPV is the most common STD in the United Kingdom, and yet most people have never heard of it, until it is too late.

According to Cancer Research UK, almost 100% of people with cancer have HPV. There is now a vaccine for people without HPV, and a treatment is being developed by conventional medicine to treat people with HPV. Is the main factor behind cancer lifestyle, bad luck or viruses? If one cancer has been proved to be brought about by a virus, then other viruses must cause cancer as well. According to Cancer Research UK, Hepatitis, Epstein-Barr, Helicobacter Pylori and many more viruses ‘play a key role in causing particular types of cancer.’ But still, these infections are placed only on equal footing to factors such as tobacco, weight, diet and physical activity.

If you have read an article over the last year about cancer research breakthroughs, one thing stands out above others: almost all the research is based around treatment of the cancer cells themselves, and trying to ‘kill’ the cancerous cells. Where is the research into viruses? Viruses are organisms that have been proven to bring on cancer.

The sad answer is that conventional medicine and the pharmaceutical industry is not interested in preventing cancer, but only curing it.

BBC4’s Medical Mavericks told the story of stomach ulcers and Helicobater Pylori. For decades, conventional medicine believed stomach ulcers were incurable. The only treatment offered was surgery, at a cost of hundreds of millions of pounds a year.

The doctors, right up through to the early 1990s, stated and maintained that stress (a lifestyle factor) was the cause of stomach ulcers.

An Australian, Barry J. Marshall, believed Helicobacter Pylori caused stomach cancer. For years, doctors ridiculed him and his idea. After a massive amount of persistence, and

CANCER: Rubbish

It’s sad to think that three years of university will have been a waste of time

through years of trouble, he eventually got them to accept his clear evidence.

But why were the doctors so vociferous in defence? Were they scared about being wrong? Did the idea of ending the suffering for millions of people seem horrific? Or were they trying to protect the fat paychecks of the surgeons who removed the ‘stressinduced’ ulcers?

If most cancers can be linked to certain bacteria or viruses, then surely it should be imperative to research these viruses, and to treat them before a person gets cancer. Think about the film ‘Blood Diamond’ - profit has ghastly costs. Cancer research that is simply based around cancerous cells is shortsighted and financially driven.

While the NHS and Cancer Research continue to propagate ‘lifestyle factors’ as the predominant possible causes for cancer, they inadvertently confuse the general public.

For those cancer sufferers who eat healthily, exercise and do not smoke, it is an injustice. When asked about viruses that may be causing cancer, doctors might even admit this possibility, but with all the research money being sifted to the cancerous tumours themselves (which often come back), the real causes of cancer are being left unchecked.

What, then, can one try to prevent cancer, or even cure it? Metabolic therapy is based around the vitamin B17 (laetrile), which destroys cancer cells, while being completely non-toxic.

Pharmaceutical companies have launched vicious attacks against this natural remedy, simply because they have not been able to patent it. The Pharmaceuticals do not care that it helps beat cancer, and the United States Federal Health Department has tried to ban B17 for over 18 years.

More information regarding Vitamin B17 can be found at www.worldwithoutcancer.org.uk. If you want to pass an exam, you have got to acquire the knowledge. If you want to beat cancer, you must do the very same thing.

12 gairrhydd MARCH.26.2007

OPINION

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OPINION@gairrhydd.COM

? ? The Ridler ??

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If all that glitters is not gold, can all that seems good be as moral as it appears? Our Columnist considers the negative implications of ‘good’ things FAIRTRADE: Sure, he’s happy now, but what about when his economy collapses? othing makes me recoil like something that is obviously, simply and clearly the right thing to do. Any campaign that seems to be the realisation of morality in simple form generally makes me worried.

It’s not that I don’t like doing the right thing, I do. Contrary to popular belief I do have a sense of morality, although it is well hidden. The only problem is that after three years of studying politics one comes to realise that no easy choices really exist, only difficult compromises and complex situations. If everything was as simple as people are inclined to make them seem then the likelihood is that they would have already been done. Funny old thing but students aren’t the only ones with morals.

The crux of this little rant is fair trade. How fair can it be? It seems like one of those brilliant little things that is so patently right that it’s irresistible.

Why would you not do it, a couple of

N

extra pence, a nice tasty drink or food and the chance to assuage your frankly disgustingly middle class westernised conscience by helping a poor farmer off the poverty line for one more day? Everyone, as the maxim goes, is a winner.

Thing is, as I say, nothing can be that simple. Even something as innocuous and seemingly virtuous as fair trade has a host of critics, most of which nobody is really aware of.

Everybody loves to embrace the simple idea that people might be able to make a difference and help others by doing their daily shop but the truth is that fair trade is just a novel way of allowing people to believe that they might be making a difference while creaming off a chunky profit for the rich western retailer and allowing essential underlying problems continue.

As anybody with a basic understanding of economics will know a guaranteed price above market value

will encourage overproduction. Look at the results of the EU’s much maligned Common Agricultural Policy. Meat mountains and wine lakes, which might sound like a great way to improve walks in the country but are in fact a stunning way to waste public monies. Apparently, prices of raw agricultural commodities are already low because of oversupply. So essentially encouraging farmers to stop growing other crops which might be useful and concentrating on areas where they can get the best fair trade subsidies might not be best for those not caught by the fair trade banner as this excess production becomes dumped on the markets increasing supply and, therefore, lowering the price. More people on the poverty line.

I’m not one to say that fair trade is not a worthwhile cause, or that it isn’t possible to achieve a positive result but just that it is worth considering that there are negative implications for

nearly everything that we can do. Bad things are probably happening just because you’re reading this.

There are negative implications to everything we do...bad things are probably happening just because you’re reading this Also, it gives me the chance to point out that, whilst fair trade is great and all, its going to take a state level solution to provide any lasting change.

Free trade and an end to ridiculous protectionism like the CAP will need to be mastered before we can hope to help third world farmers. Extending protectionism is not the way forward.

It almost never works when govern-

ments intervene in markets, this is just another example.

Most importantly, don’t be fooled by the simple solutions. The same could be said of anything that seems like the intuitively right thing to do, from local produce to recycling. There are always downsides, local produce for instance is just protectionism incognito, and it has been suggested by several studies recycling certain items might cost more and is more polluting than to just make new ones in the traditional manner. Fair trade is not perfect, but neither is anything.

Knowing that doesn’t mean you have to stop doing whatever it is you believe in, or necessarily that there is anything wrong with it. I still buy some fairtrade items. Not thinking about the downsides though is verging on irresponsible.

What do you think? Let us know at www.gairrhydd.com

Budging students off the agenda?

B udgets are fascinating things. No really, don’t give up on me yet. This one has been really interesting, because its underlying message has been deeply political.

It has been a budget that has seen the poor pay more tax, and the middle classes in the 22% tax bracket already slash their outgoings on income tax to 20%. It has not been a budget about the poor, the rich, or making one lot better off than the other. Its been a budget of smoke and mirrors, of dramatic changes and paving the way into number ten without actually doing, it would seem, all that much.

Gordon Brown has tried to keep the budget as fiscally neutral as possible. It might look good to steal the Tories flagship policies such as tax cuts but in fact, no matter how much this is described as a tax cutting policy, it;s not. This talk is obscured by the Chancellors refusal to outline more closely the planned increases in National Insurance contributions, which has baffled even accountancy firms according to The Guardian.

In the political point scoring and social engineering fest that has seen the cost of owning a four by four planned to go up exponentially the actual net result has been that single people with

no kids and a relatively low income (graduate nurse anyone?) will actually lose out. This doesn’t bode desperately well for us students planning to leave university in the next few months.

Then just to add insult to injury, a less talked about area of the budget was the Chancellors decision to offload six billion pounds of public debt from student loans borrowing to private companies sparking concerns from the NUS that they could in fact begin to charge commercial rates for students on their spiralling debt.

A reason to be worried? Well as things stand, were companies to begin to charge commercial rates students of

2010 could be facing £10,000 a year uncapped fees at commercial rates of APR. Scary I would say.

Nobody doubts that the university system needs more funding, but it should be done with a sensible finance system set up by the government.

Faced with this the six billion pounds that the government has gained from this, it has been requested to be reinvested in universities, but with the suggestion that school leaving age should be raised to 18 that looks like a more likely recipient of the cash.

So, all round a good budget for students then. Cheers Gordon. Don’t trip up on your way into number 10.

BROWN: Now green it seems

gairrhydd

LETTERS

MARCH.26.2007 LETTERS@gairrhydd.COM

letters@gairrhydd.com @

The gair rhydd website is a great place to discuss your opinions about articles featured in the paper. However, don't forget that you can e-mail any of your opinions on other matters to the letters page. We are always eager to hear what you have to say.

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letter of the week

A vented frustration Dear gair rhydd, PLEASE TELL me I’m not the only one frustrated at another bout of wacky University election campaigns. I’m frustrated that people don’t appear to take these elections seriously enough.

Cardiff has a fantastic university with a huge amount to offer any potential undergraduates. So what must they think when they see a variety of oddly dressed nutters, chanting wacky slogans tooting an 18th century bugle? I know what I’d think, this university has a serious drug problem and that wasn’t in the prospectus. So I tried to explain to a fresh faced individual with his parents ‘This is all for student election campaigns. It’s a bit of fun.’

Then I thought, what am I actually doing? Was I actually endorsing this confused popularity contest?

I really hope the campaigners

here has yet again been much heated debate on the gair rhydd website. Many articles seemed to get people riled!

The 'International postgrads to take terrorist test' article reported international students taking science degrees may be screened as it is feared they will take knowledge of how to make weapons of mass destruction back to their home country.This has been hotly debated by many of you on the gair rhydd news forums.

There was also a big reposnse to the news that a Cardiff University researcher has joined forces with the UK’s leading non-animal medical research charity to find humane replacements for animal testing.

Doctor Phil Stephens and the Dr

Hadwen Trust have teamed up to replace wound experiments in animals in order to prevent pain and suffering.

There were many mixed views that graced our message boards on this topic. It seems that some of you are glad that someone has taken the initiative to try and stop the pain and suffering of animals, while others think that it is a necessary evil and others arguing that it should become even more prevalent.

The article regarding Muslim prayer rooms that was on the front page of gair rhydd two weeks ago, is still generating debate on our forums.

Many of you think that a quiet room that could be reserved for different groups and activities is the way to go, with others arguing that university is for learning and should not have to

provide such facilities.

Other comments on our forums which are not displayed below included people in support of the news that Cardiff has become more of a tourist attraction after the filming of the likes of Doctor Who and sci fi TV shows happened here.

There were also some comments regarding the 2007 univeristy elections in which we have seen candidates donning costumes and quirky names to encourage us all to vote.

There have been mixed opinions- one shown opposite as Letter of the Week.

Lots of you agree with this however and are glad that it seems more people turned out to vote this year than last and have enjoyed being given a time to scrutinise other candidates and get your views heard.

Muslim prayer room disscussion...

I hope any homosexual students ask for a room where they can escape the fantasist chanting in their university of a religion that condemns their very existence and is murdering their fellows around the world.”

dents studying at all levels and at all disciplines, no one, apart from you apparently, is suggesting that the UK should keep these people out and create an academic concentration camp?

All that is being suggested is that measures are taken to ensure that people who we, as a nation, consider undesirable and harmful are not giving the benefit of learning certain things which could be used against us and our allies. This is a perfectly sensible proposal in principle.”

loads more grads than we do) and get the info there on the cheap, leaving our unis short of cash, and hiking up fees in turn.”

“This will just preclude many foreign students from even trying to get into a UK institution, but if they really wanted to they could go to Russia, China or India (which produces shed-

“I sometimes wonder what gets into these peoples minds. Do people actually think that Scientists undertake animal research because they enjoy it?

The simple fact is that as long as

“Sport isn't a religion with beliefs and doctrines many could find offensive.

It’s also good for you. University is for learning, not praying. Quite frankly if this Islamic dive is allowed

Lewis and the Dobbler- A mighty duo Is it coz I is an arab?

Joe Al-Khayat: A walking, talking, ad for waxing I’d give you a gob job for a packet of quavers What do you call a woman

The proposal that International students should take a terrorist test...

“Knowledge should be the common commodity/currency of the whole of the human race, not kept inside an acadeic concentration camp of ideas by the british state.”

“British Universities have a exceptionally large number of non-EU stu-

with one leg shorter than the other?

Eisleen!

“Rowena has a lovely Odour”- Vice President Ed turns stalker Jonny the Sack punches safelythat’s a fact. I know. He has punched me.

text: 07791165837

“Funding a quiet room for prayer/meditation is different from a room for the exclusive and sole use of Muslims. I can't see the problem with a quiet room, which was reserved for Muslim use at the appropriate times, and free to other groups to use at other times. This is similar to the football team reserving a pitch every wednesday, but letting hockey have it on a friday.”

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“Humane Nature” article...

“Thank God someone sees the folly in testing on animals! Now, we need to work on changing the laws that make it mandatory. Animal testing is simply faulty pseudo-science that truly doesn't benefit neither man nor animal.”

realise that they have the opportunity to actually act as a voice for genuine student concerns. Perhaps they could start by giving us a Friday worth going to in the union. Or one could put on an old style variety show actually demonstrating the talents of people within the university whilst generating money for a credible charity.

No. Instead they put forward some kind of vague Cameronitepolitical rhetoric like ‘make the university more environmentally friendly.’ Very good, I’m pretty sure people said that last year and I haven’t seen any changes. In truth people would rather dress up, make t-shirts with quirky names and go around branding people with ink stamp in the hope that somebody will wake up hung-over and think, they must be the most credible candidate intent on improving my university experience. Well it smudged ‘Bo’, it smudged.

Kel Warmot, year two Pharmaceutical companies consider it necessary to test products of animals then we should be supporting them.

Frankly the lives of a million hamsters, rabbits, cats or dogs doesn’t equate even to the ill health of one human being.”

“If the Scientists (or any guys in white coats) say slaughtering innocent bunnies is going to provide a slightly more effective painkiller then it?s a price worth paying. Those bunnies were bred by man, they were used by man and they were sacrified by man for man. Why can’t you people realise that animals are merely resources to be utilised in whatever way we see fit?”

visit www.thereddragoncentre.co.uk

The Red Dragon Centre, Cardiff Bay, Hemingway Road CF10 4JY Tel: 02920 256261

14 gairrhydd

FEATURES

MARCH.26.2007 FEATURES@gairrhydd.COM

Not your avera and plenty of other acronyms to end the world. But these women see equally certain that it was. As I sit in the fireescape of Next, they all rest their hands on my head and ask for the Holy Wind to enter me. Being sat in the shade on a blustery day to begin with, I don’t really relish the thought of any more wind, so after my conversion finishes I decide to move.

A man called Bryn with a clipboard asks me if I can spare a moment, and I feel churlish feigning otherwise, so I fritter away some 15 minutes pretending that I’ve been involved in an accident at work. To be honest, it’s just refreshing to be called ‘Sir’ – to be a normal person for a while. I leave Bryn practically salivating, having dreamed up a horrific case for him to phone in to his boss, and mooch down to the park. It’s cold, so I find a bench in the sun to curl up on. I slouch there until the sun goes down, counting down the hours on the golden clock face at the top of City Hall.

A man offers me a packaged toothbrush... He tells me he doesn’t want me to have bad breath in the morning

Luke Rees outside Marks & Spencer

Friday nights are usually spent getting lashed and lairy. Luke Rees decided to buck the trend and spent a night roughing it on the streets of Cardiff

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he radio alarm clicks on at 11am. The night before I’d set it to ‘Common People’ by Pulp, but after a nervous night before my adventure I’m in no mood to appreciate my own irony.

I put some boxers and an old running vest on and cook myself beans on toast. I get into my outfit: a t-shirt, jumper, tracksuit bottoms, and jacket. I leave the flat ahead of schedule; Loose Women is beginning, and life on the streets already seems slightly more appealing.

Walking into town I’m perspiring already, so I shove some of my layers into a plastic bag. As a white van drives past, a voice shouts “Sleeping bag” at me. I’m a little concerned about this, because while it hardly counts as abuse (or even a sentence), I’m only at the Blackweir Tavern and my outfit is already attracting unwarranted attention.

I’m first convinced that I must look

homeless when I walk past the Students’ Union and am snubbed by the people handing out flyers. I see a girl from my seminar and she ignores me, but the fact that I’m dressed as a tramp probably doesn’t have a huge bearing on this.

All by myself It’s a busy Friday, and Queen Street is packed by a throng of hurrying, busy shoppers. As I sit down by the fireescape doors outside Next, I soon notice how everyone seems to be going somewhere: to shops, to lunch, to jobs, to friends. With nowhere to go, and nothing to do, I already feel isolated.

Perhaps this is what people mean when they talk about getting out of the rat race. I sit on the sleeping bag I borrowed from an understandably reluctant friend, put my hat in front of me with a few coins, and wait.

It’s not long before a woman puts a

pound on my hat, smiles at me and moves off. Ten minutes later, a couple leaving Next throw a two pound coin at me, and I’m on target to reach the minimum wage. I get a few 20 pence pieces, an apologetic handful of coppers and several disdainful looks from fat men in rugby shirts. After 40 minutes it’s becoming a little sore to sit in the same position.

In my first hour of begging I’ve made £6.32... perhaps life on the streets isn’t that bad after all The photographer appears, takes a few snaps and chats with me for a while. I wonder when the next time I’ll be spoken to as a student rather than a

homeless person will be. In my first hour of begging I’ve made £6.32, I haven’t been assaulted or bothered, and am no more uncomfortable than if I had been in a lecture. Perhaps life on the streets isn’t quite so ruinous as I’d thought.

Making friends It seems innocuous at first. A woman with a buggy stops and asks me if I’m homeless, and when I reply she gives me 50p and walks off. When she returns, however, it’s with two other women who crowd around me, trapping me in the doorway. The eldest of the three asks me if I know Jesus Christ the King. I say I’ve heard of him, so they produce a leaflet from the buggy telling me about the Titanic.

Now, having sat through three hours of the movie, I’m fairly sure that the film wasn’t really a metaphor for God being angry and sending AIDS, MRSA

It’s later, and I’m sat down opposite a kebab shop on St Mary’s street. I’ve put on all my clothes, wrapped my scarf around my face, and still feel dangerously glacial. The weatherman had predicted a mild night, and at this point in time I hate no-one in the world more.

A man with a goatee and ripped tracksuit bottoms crouches next to me.

He’s sleeping on the streets too and would like to know whether he could borrow my gloves. I point out how cold it is. He concurs and asks me again in a slightly more menacing tone. I begin to realise that there isn’t much I can do, aside from allow him to borrow my gloves. He puts them on the wrong hands and one is inside out, but I salvage some pride by not pointing this out. He leaves, and my hands ache with cold.

Making money Near an ATM I’m soon getting a regular stream of money. An hour passes and I make £11. A man pedals past on a bicycle and returns later to talk at me. He is called Umit* and comes from Egypt. Apparently, “Robbing shops, hitting the women, take her purse- very bad”, while “Siton-floor-ask-nice-people-for-changeno-harm-anybody-make-peoplehappy.” All this is told to me from across the street. People stop giving me money. A man and woman at the retreating Egyptian on his wobbly bike, Gareth* introduces himself.

I tell him I’m a writer, in the hope that I’ll avoid any more items of cloth

gairrhydd 15

FEATURES

MARCH.26.2007 FEATURES@gairrhydd.COM

age night out Despite the noise on the streets, I drift off and dream of home.

A rude awakening I’m kicked awake… The shadow of a tall man falls across my face, and still curled up on the floor I shake with fear and cold. He asks if I’ve been begging.

I nod. A black bag is thrust towards me. He speaks one word: “Money”. I pull out about five pounds in coins from my pocket. He tells me not to “fuck about”; he knows that I’ve made more than that. I worry that he may

The shadow of a tall man falls across my face. I shake with fear and cold... what would Jackie Chan do? pull a knife on me or find my mobile phone. I empty my night’s takings into his bag. There is already money inside.

Evidently I’m not his only visit.

The toothbrush falls into the bag; he takes it out and throws it back at me.

Without a word he disappears into the

... And what did I learn from my 24 hours of acting homeless on the streets?

I decided to spend 24 hours on the streets after I overheard a conversation on the bus. A man who literally dripped with hair gel was explaining to his girlfriend that when “tramps asked for cash, it all went on drugs and booze, otherwise they’d be off the streets tomorrow”. He seemed so well-informed that I was tempted to ask if this knowledge came from personal experience. As the threat of the dripping hair gel made such a question impossible, I started to think about how accurate our assumptions about homeless people are.

I was a different person on the streets. Permanently on edge, I trusted no-one, and felt cut off from society. Isolated despite the fact that I had a key in my pocket, allowing me to retreat back to my room, lock the door and be safe again. The only people who offer any help seem to be Christian charities laden with hot food and steaming propaganda. The homeless are left vulnerable to drugs, violence and many other problems.

We all feel lonely sometimes, whether it’s staying in when everyone else goes out or not getting a reply to a text, but being alone on the streets

amplifies that tenfold. These superior shoppers avoided eye contact completely, or initiated it until I looked away, in a display of moral and social superiority.

I was a different person on the streets.

Permanently on edge Very few of us afford equal status to the people who ask us for money; even on the streets, my central concern was that I would be attacked by someone else roughing it. The act of asking for help is often assumed as an admission of inferiority, when in reality it is a plea for empathy.

I have no sweeping conclusions; no advice on how to solve the problem. I wouldn’t even advise anyone to give money to the next person on the streets they walk past. Just remember that a tramp is also a person, and, at the risk of preaching, “there but for the grace of God go I”.

night and I’m relaxed again.

I relive the scenario: what would Jackie Chan have done? Whether it’s shock, or absolute exhaustion, the experience failed to trigger any emotion - no wave of nausea. I’m unmoved.

I check my phone. It’s 4am and I leave the doorway. I walk back to Next and curl up in the doorway. Without the energy to climb into my sleeping bag I collapse. I wake to the sound of shop shutters being opened and my joints ache with stiffness. I crawl into my sleeping bag, and pass out again.

The morning after It’s now 10.50am, my head hurts and I’ve rolled into the street as I slept.

Shoppers, workers and rugby fans all avoid looking at me. I decide to beg enough money to buy some hot milk, then to walk back to Talybont. I’ve just laid my hat out, however, when a woman with dreadlocks and a dog tells me to get off her street. 24 hours previously I might have inquired as to the validity of claiming an entire street, but now I just accept it, pack up my bag, and go home.

* Names have been changed for privacy purposes Have an opinion on this feature?

Have your say. Email: letters@gairrhydd.com or write your comments on the forum at www.gairrhydd.com

PHOTOS: SYLVIE WINN

ing being borrowed, and ask him why he’s sleeping rough. Launching into a seemingly well-rehearsed routine, Gareth gesticulates violently as I learn of his alcohol addiction, a custody battle and a recent scrap with some Somalians in Cardiff Bay. He tells me that I’m someone who understands him, and offers me a packaged toothbrush and some unopened Colgate Whitening.

I make the obvious point that this was plainly not paid for, something that he cheerfully corroborates. My new friend tells me that he doesn’t want me to have bad breath in the morning and I accept his gift.

The woman returns feeling less vitriolic, and tells me that if I stay in my spot all night I could make over £80.

Ever the optimist, Gareth points out that some people walk around stabbing and taking money from the beggars in Cardiff and so I should look out for them. They leave, still bickering as they amble along an increasingly busy street.

Around 1am the police arrive. They tell me I can’t sleep where I am, so I ask them if they know any good hotels.

They don’t laugh, and I’m forced to find a doorway further down the street to sleep in. Shivering, I unfurl my sleeping bag and crawl inside. I quell the temptation to get a taxi back home, and tuck my knees close to my chest.

16 gairrhydd

SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT

MARCH.26.2007 SCIENCE@gairrhydd.COM

Did you know you could be held responsible for someone else’s mess?

Fines for a rub

I

stepped, scantily clad themorning-after-the-night-before, over the threshold of my student palace onto the ever growing carpet of mail.

On that bonny morning I decided to fashion my own sorting office and return bills and postcards alike to their rightful owners. The subtle enjoyment I received from my task was shortlived when I stumbled across a scarily

Rubbish facts 30 million

tonnes of rubbish thrown away by UK households each year

7 times

their own bodyweight of rubbish is thrown out by each person every year The weight of

245

jumbo jets per week is thrown away as packaging waste in the UK

20 times

more plastic is used today than 50 years ago

One week

is the time it takes to produce enough rubbish to reach Wembley Stadium

Six billion

glass bottles and jars are thrown out in the UK each year

440

plastic bottles are used by each UK household every year, of which just 24 are recycled

official Cardiff Council letter with my full name stamped across it.

Tentatively I opened it to find I was being accused of violating the Environmental Protection Act 1990 section 87 and 88, an order related to the throwing, dropping or depositing of litter.

I was being full-blown interrogated for the when, where and how of putting my rubbish out on bin day.

The most disconcerting part of it all was that they had lifted out two personal items from my rubbish in order to identify me: my old Talybont residence card and a bank statement.

I felt violated (note to self to shred rubbish). Our rubbish bags that Monday evening had also been photographed.

My housemates and I chewed over what could possibly be askew as to our rubbish day ethics, until one Sherlock Holmes wannabe spotted that a lot of the bags were not ours, particularly the green recycling bags, put out for the wrong day.

I was being accused of violating the Environmental Protection Act We were being accused of and indeed were victims of ‘fly tipping’.

Had we not acted on our brilliant detective work, we could have received a fine of up to £110 for wrong day bin bags put outside our door by some cheeky resident.

Bitching about my rubbish-related headache to friends and peers, I soon discovered that many people have received similar letters, one having coughed up £70.

I decided to investigate this issue further by getting in touch with David Sandbrook, the Enforcement Manager of the council’s Cleaner Cardiff iniative. He confirmed that “there are thousands of ‘fly tipping’ incidences reported each year.”

Official figures showed that last year £50 million was spent on clearing up illegally dumped waste.

Mr Sandbrook suggested that if you see someone dumping rubbish or find out someone has dumped their rubbish outside your property, ring to report the incident and arrange an emergency pick up; “don’t approach the offender; take note of the amount of rubbish and try to get a visual description of people involved. Also, if possible, try to establish the property they’re from”.

‘Fly tipping’ is an increasing problem in Cardiff, and fines are being introduced to control it. The fault, however, is not always with others,

but with our beautiful selves, the student population of Cardiff.

Mr Sandbrook admits; “a lot of problems prevail through students learning the ropes, or at the end of term” - this includes bin bags being put out on the wrong day and staying there for a week.

When I approached students to break the news that they could be fined for such an offence, the general consensus was that it was unfair because there was very little available information about bin days, alternative ways to deposit rubbish and end of term or holiday procedures.

The Environmental Department admits that problems do occur because of a “lack of disposable services in the area or out of ignorance of what is available”.

On investigating the gaps in our repertoire of rubbish knowledge, I discovered that all information about bin days, specific recycling days, bank holidays etc can be obtained from the Cardiff County Council number.

For those last few bags before breaking up for holidays, several civic amenity sites exist. The closest, on Wedal Road in Cathays, is open 7 days a week, 7:00am till 6:45pm, although it is not so conveniently placed if you don’t have access to a car.

Some of you may remember the successful ‘Get It Out For Cardiff!’ campaign as part of Keep Wales Tidy (KWT), where the Welsh Assembly Government worked in close connection with the Students’ Union in collecting the end of term bulky rubbish.

Mr Sandbrook reassured me that this programme will run again this year, with “additional pick up days, vehicles and green and black bags available”. The dates on additional days are to be announced soon through the students’ union.

Did you also know that large domestic items - such as fridges - will be taken away free of charge if requested through the Council.

This beats facing a charge of up to £50,000 and potential jail time for leaving your mattresses and fridges on public paths outside your house. Do not be tempted by ‘waste cowboys’ who offer to take your waste off your hands for a mere £20 and then dump it round the corner, a problem rife in Cathays.

When it comes to recycling - a whole other kettle of fish in some ways - information about the tri-bag system - white bags for garden waste and cardboard, green for dry waste and black bags for your general waste - and collection dates are available if you ring the council.

Cardiff Council prides themselves on their successful system, claiming to be among the best European countries for sustainable waste manage-

ment practice.

Where they were only recycled 10.96% of waste last year, figures are now at 20% with an ambitious target of 40% by 2009/2010. Not all of our humble streets recycle yet, but are set to in the future, as early as April apparently.

This beats facing a charge of up to £50,000 and potential jail time Until then it’s all about the bottle banks; information about their location is a Google click away. There does seem to be a lot of confusion about collection days, with the same green bags of Carling cans hugging the same streets for days, particularly along the smaller tributaries of Cathays.

Are the council not collecting in your area when they say they will? If

you’re tired of seeing last weekends bender stored in a bag at the bottom of the garden, ring the council and voice your concerns if you really wish to avoid any fine!

As students, we produce a large amount of rubbish; no Cathays street ever seems free of rubbish bags. On questioning non-student residents on rubbish control in Cardiff, they appeared upset and frustrated by the volume of rubbish, the smells omitted and the vermin they attract.

They assured me that they would be quick to report wrong day rubbish to the council simply to escape the putrid smell of rotting veg, so heed their warning if you aren’t sorting out your rubbish.

Bigger problems exist with arson a recurring issue for the Southwest Fire and Rescue service is that of deliberately lit fires, usually to bin bags and neglected rubbish.

I’m sure you’ll be eager beavers to know that nothing serious came of my letter, but we are all being more vigilant and anally correct with our rubbish these days to avoid further

gairrhydd

MARCH.26.2007 SCIENCE@gairrhydd.COM

17

SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT

? Samantha Colebrooke explains how students could be in for a shock.

bbish Cathays Science in Brief

Maths puzzle solved!

An international team of mathematicians has finally cracked a vast complex numerical ‘structure’ that was invented a century ago.

Solving the 248-dimensional structure, called E8, took 19 mathematicians four years of hard graft and will hopefully help out areas of physics which use more than four dimensions, such as string theory.

Apparently these findings are pretty much the hardest set of mathematical findings in the world and they will be presented at MIT in a lecture entitled The Character Table for E8, or How We Wrote Down a 453,060 x 453,060 Matrix and Found Happiness.

The final computation took more than three days' solid processing time on a Sage supercomputer and it is believed that if all the numbers were written out in small type, they would cover an area the size of Manhattan!

ground for fish and dolphins.

The bill has been campaigned for avidly by environmental groups for more than five years and it was a big break through for them when it was included in Labour’s manifesto for the last general election.

Laura Hinson

Astronauts in Danger NASA scientists have been investigating the potential harm of astronauts inhaling lunar dust.

Research has found that the dust could be toxic, while its tiny, jagged particles stick to the lung’s tissue causing inflammation and scarring.

This creates the same problems caused by asbestos inhalation and smoking.

The electro-statically charged dust sticks to everything and returns with the astronauts to their space vehicles where it is then inhaled.

Research into the effects of prolonged exposure to this comes ahead of NASA’s planned lunar return by 2020.

Mosquitoes to fight malaria

letters.

Rubbish seems to be more of a political debate than originally assumed, and the apportion of blame for our rubbish-filled streets not easily

established. Stay informed and be on your toes.

Student and Cathays resident, Rosie Naish, was told that the council were targeting the predominantly stu-

dent area for ‘fly tipping’ and fines were to be generously distributed, so try to avoid getting into trouble, or be £110 worse off and very, very annoyed.

If you see someone dumping rubbish outside your house, ring Cardiff City Council on 02920 872087 and report it; you can also arrange an emergency pick up.

Marine Bill draft passed The Government has finally launched its long- awaited bill to protect the marine environment. The vision is to maintain clean, healthy, safe, productive and biologically diverse oceans and seas.

It will put in place a better system for delivering sustainable development of the marine and coastal environment, and will address both the use and protection of our marine resources.

Part of the bill would be to create new special areas of conservation including features such as the Dogger Bank in the North Sea which is an important spawning

In a fight fire with fire strategy, a US research team have been investigating malaria control through the use of genetically modified mosquitoes.

A strain of malaria-resistant mosquitoes with stronger survival chances than those carrying the disease has been created. The idea is that they will take over the existing mosquitoes, preventing the spread of malaria.

It could be 10 years before the technique is used and it faces challenges such as the potential ability of the malaria parasite to evolve and overcome the resistance. However, researchers conclude results have ‘important implications’ for malaria control.

Jenny Edwards

18 gairrhydd

POLITICS

MARCH.26.2007 POLITICS@gairrhydd.COM

Two gair rhydd pages unite to look at the stormy

New Press, Old Pressures Jaroslaw Dabek Politics Writer

F

reedom of speech is once again under threat as the Afghan government takes steps to muzzle its country’s fledgling media.

Known mostly for their draconian, fanatic rules and terrorist actions against American troops, the Taliban has rarely gained more attention from the Western world than now, as they attempt to use journalism as yet another weapon against the ‘infidels’.

Being a leading party for almost

five years in Afghanistan, this puritanical Muslim movement have managed to gain control of much of their country’s media, virtually ridding the public domain of any independent source of information.

The first independent forms of media established themselves only after the new government had taken control of the country nearly six years ago. The recent events show, however, that there is uncertainty about the extent of freedom of speech in this country.

The key issue is in the government’s fear of the Taliban using media coverage of certain stories and incidents as a means of propaganda.

After the US intervention in 2001, the Taliban are no longer in power. Yet the latest figures show that the number of its followers, as well as active members of the Taliban camp (often associated with Al-Qaeda) is growing rapidly.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai and his politicians stand in fear of Taliban propaganda in the media. This is the official reason behind the government’s moves to limit independent media in their reporting.

It has recently been reported that a

few journalists had their cameras erased and footage deleted from equipment by soldiers from the ‘peacekeeping forces’, shortly after they had been spotted recording controversial material.

Afghan intelligence agencies have also distributed a document urging journalists to cease criticising the NATO mission and reporting the failures of Afghan’s own armed forces.

One such case was recently covered

by BBC Kabul correspondent Alastair Leithead, who reported the killing of eight Afghans by American troops after a suicide attack on a patrol.

The alleged assumption behind government attempts to stop the spread of such coverage is that this material would have provided mediums such as Taliban websites and Al-Jazeera TV with anti-Western propaganda, which could then be used to undermine the Afghan government.

Often associated with terrorist organisations, these media outlets have been widely criticised for publicising anti-government stories and spreading anti-American sentiment.

Yet at the same time, TV stations such as Al-Jazeera are perceived by many as some of the last bastions of

free speech, and are often commended for their reliability.

Freedom of speech and press are essential in every modern democracy.

An international media seminar to promote free press took place in Kabul five years ago.

One notable success of the conference was the declaration of media freedom in Afghanistan, which was meant to be a guarantee of protection for the journalist and the assurance of media independence in the country.

However, is it possible that this recently regained freedom is a threat to the country’s still fragile stability - a potential weapon to be used by terrorists as propaganda?

That is the main reason why criticisms of state censorship are weaker than the claims of securing Afghanistan by refusing terrorists a platform.

Still, the question of free press in Afghanistan will remain under the scrutiny of the Western world. The importance of the media in modern democracies cannot be underestimated, especially in countries such as Afghanistan, so important to the stability of the Middle East and, thus, the world.

neglecting to oversee change, the newspapers paint his time in office as one of repeated let downs and broken promises. Mr Chirac is seen as leaving France diminished, with poor economic figures, high unemployment, and suburban areas impoverished and unstable.

His popularity was polarised between two sides during the preparations for the war on Iraq. The New York Times certainly have a point when stating that Mr Chirac will most likely be best remembered for opposing or, in their words, being

the European leader ‘leading’ the “opposition to the American-led war in Iraq in 2003”.

The world remembers all but too well when French fries where proudly re-christened ‘Freedom’ fries. As tensions between President Bush and Mr Chirac have been more than obvious since then on, one cannot help but assume some delight will be felt from the Bush camp.

And so then Mr Chirac prepares to leave the Elysée Palace on May 16, he will also be leaving behind his presidential immunity, running the risk of being prosecuted for corruption. He is suspected of being involved in four corruption cases dating back to his mayoral days between 1977 and 1995.

Former associates have already faced convictions for their involvement. However, a constitutional reform immunises French presidents from questioning or prosecution during their time in office. So while Mr President has been exempt from all official investigation, the file on him nonetheless lies dormant until he steps down.

May Mr Chirac, President de le Republic Française, freely enjoy his final presidential days.

FUTURE: the fledgling freedom of Afghan journalism is under threat

Jacque of no trade Media editor Nadia Bonjour reflects on the legacy of an outgoing President

W

ith France in the midst of a tense presidential campaign, current French president Jacques Chirac announces he is stepping down.

Mr Chirac, 74, announced last week that he will not be joining Ségolène Royal and Nicolas Sarkozy in the run-up to elections next month. After four decades in politics, during which he spent 18 years as mayor of Paris, was twice Prime Minister and twice elected President, Mr Chirac says his adieux to the presidency.

While his announcement was more of a farewell than a political message, the news of his retirement was received with mixed feelings.

The public opinions of Mr Chirac as a political figure and Frenchman are not always full of admiration and praise.

His departure was described by Socialist and candidate for the presidency, Ségolène Royal, as a “historic moment”, though her fellow candidate, the infamous far-right National Front leader Jean-Marie Le Pen, was less forgiving.

He described Mr Chirac as “the worst president in the entire history of France”, and that his only regret would be not being able to face his rival one last time in elections.

French daily newspaper Le Monde also noted that the British and American press showed little kindness towards their President. As one of Europe’s longest-serving politicians, some recounted his political triumphs alongside his failures.

Others, however, were more critical, and found it difficult to acknowledge Mr Chirac as having done any political good for his coun-

try. As a politician, he was described in the Daily Telegraph as embodying and benefiting from “much that is wrong with French politics”.

Seen as having failed France in

FINALE: the end looms for both men

gairrhydd 19

MEDIA

MARCH.26.2007 MEDIA@gairrhydd.COM

y relationship between pressrooms and parliaments

Bad deal?

Cemlyn Davies Politics Writer

T

he recent scrapping of a ban on TV and radio adverts for gambling has sparked a lively debate on the dangers that such a move could present. Restrictions on broadcast advertising for casinos, betting shops and online gambling sites will be lifted from September, as changes to the 2005 Gambling Act come into force.

The move comes hot on the heels of the announcement that Britain’s first supercasino will open in Manchester, and has angered many anti-gambling campaigners who already believe that more Britons are getting into difficulties with gambling.

However, government ministers insist that the new legislation will not increase problem gambling, as “strict new rules”, aimed at preventing such a danger from arising, will accompany the lifting of the ban. Minister for Sport Richard Caborn also warned that the government would be prepared to step in if and when any problems surface.

Adverts for gambling are currently limited to billboards, sponsorship and online advertising, though some exceptions – most notably the National Lottery – already enjoy the benefits of mainstream advertising.

When the new laws come into force, gambling operators will have to ensure that their adverts are “socially responsible”, and that they comply with a number of newly created rules similar to those which presently govern alcohol advertising.

The adverts must refrain from linking the activity to seduction, enhanced attractiveness and sexual success, while they also must not suggest that gambling is the solution to financial difficulties. All gambling ads will also be banned during shows aimed at under-18s, and anyone appearing in the adverts must seem to be over the age of 25, according to the rules.

The adverts must refrain from linking gambling to seduction or sexual success Finally, the adverts must not show gamblers behaving irresponsibly or in a way that “could lead to financial, social or emotional harm”. In the event that any of these rules are breached, the advertisers could face severe regulatory sanctions.

Nevertheless, these rules do little to satisfy the demands of anti-gambling campaigners. Matt Spencer of the Salvation Army claimed that gambling should not be seen as a “normal leisure activity” and that people would inevitably still be vulnerable despite

The sense of censorship Rhiannon Doe questions the balance between freedom of information and the need for press censorship

I

GLAMOUR: but new TV gambling ads will not be allowed to use sex the strict new laws.

In response to such claims, Mr Caborn insists that the new restrictions “set out clearly what is and isn’t acceptable advertising practice for all gambling operators, while making sure that the protection of children and vulnerable people is a central consideration of all advertising campaigns”.

Yet, despite such government confidence, it should be remembered that the purpose of advertising is to encourage new customers. As a result it is inevitable that these new adverts will lead to an increase in the number of gamblers, and consequently in the number of those who become addicted to it; if they do not, they will clearly have been unsuccessful adverts.

It should be remembered that tobacco advertising was banned because of the health risks that smoking represents. The question arises as to whether alcohol promotion should also be taken off the airwaves, considering that alcoholism can present problems as serious as smoking and perhaps

more so than excessive gambling?

There would surely be an outcry if Britain were to follow the lead of France and ban all televised alcoholrelated references. The Wales rugby shirts would bare the word Brawn as opposed to Brains for the duration of the Six Nations campaign year in year out, while Premiership clubs such as Liverpool and Everton would have to renegotiate sponsorship deals.

And perhaps worst of all, British television would lose the award-winning adverts produced by the likes of Guinness and John Smith’s.

Yet the fact is that the nature of the dangers posed by gambling and alcohol are different to those posed by smoking. While smoking always poses a health risk, the problems associated with drinking and gambling only occur when the activities are carried out excessively, and while it is true that the advertising of these activities should be heavily monitored and strictly regulated, any further action is surely unnecessary.

n recent weeks the public have been forced to piece together the increasingly complicated details of the ‘cash for honours’ scandal, as the controversy intensified.

The evening of March 9 saw the BBC being prevented from publishing an investigative report on the matter, thanks to a High Court injunction requested by the Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith.

The request to prevent the BBC from running their piece was claimed to have come from the Met Police, as it was feared that the revelations it supposedly contained would hinder their investigations.

An injunction was also attempted against the Guardian on the following Monday when they moved to publish their own version of the story; this was rejected, however, as throughout the weekend the majority of the report’s details had leaked into the public domain.

The Guardian had already gone to print on Monday evening when the injunction was requested, with the editor excusing his actions as “the kind of risk [they] normally take.”

So what power exactly does the UK media hold over politicians? If both the BBC and the Guardian can circumvent injunctions instigated for ‘political’ reasons by the country’s highest ranking lawyer, then what does this say for reporting of political facts today?

It’s true that the media can have a negative impact on legal cases. Just look at the Hutton Inquiry of 2004, in which the BBC’s news department was heavily criticised for its role in reporting on the controversial government dossier that made the case for invasion of Iraq.

Since then there have been stricter controls in place to prevent the same happening again. But this event also caused massive distrust in the government, which has meant the public has come to rely on the media, as highlighted in recent months.

The cash for honours affair is just

another in a long line of scandals for the Labour government which have undermined its authority. If then the media is relied upon instead, should it be censored in the way it was a few weeks ago?

The injunction itself has raised questions concerning the role of the Attorney General. The position is appointed by the Prime Minister, which of course runs the risk of political bias.

Yet journalistic freedom still prevailed with the fall of the injunctions, perhaps signalling a victory for media power.

Current affairs today are widely consumed through a variety of mediums, not simply newspapers and television as it was ten years ago. News websites and 24-hour TV channels are some of the most popular means of keeping up-to-date, fuelling the need for ‘news on demand’.

An investigative report such as the BBC’s may not have raised such a commotion in a less current affairsbased culture. There are growing concerns that the public demand for such reporting could further encourage irresponsible journalism.

The question is whether the public themselves are able to judge what should and should not be aired, and at what point journalists should begin to exercise restraint.

The relationship between politics and the media has, of course, always been a tenuous one.

Politicians are always wary of journalists and vice versa, and a delicate friendship exists between the two groups, based on the politicians’ need to keep journalists on side and the journalists’ ability to make or break careers.

Freedom of the press is integral to

We need to ask ourselves how much we want or even need to know democracy in this country, and attempts at censorship such as those against the BBC and the Guardian are direct threats to this. But we need to ask ourselves how much we want or even need to know about government affairs.

If the knowledge contained in certain reports is such that the effectiveness of our police and government is threatened by releasing them, then maybe censorship is the best option.

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gairrhydd 21

JOBS & MONEY

MARCH.26.2007 JOBS@gairrhydd.COM

Graduates bank on it Jobs & Money Editor Gillian Roberts looks at the graduate accounts available from the big four banks

P

ost-graduation is a scary thought; not only do you need to find a job and a place to live, but you also need to sort your finances out.

There is a vast amount of help available, but graduates must organise their finances before they dream up how they are going to spend their earnings.

Graduates who are thinking of continuing their education, through postgrad courses or extra training needed for their job, can apply for educational loans, where extra benefits are offered while you are still studying.

For example, Lloyds TSB provide students with a ‘further education loan’, where £1,000 to £10,000 can be borrowed at a special low interest rate.

You are able to delay your repayments for 48 months so that you can complete your studies, and you can take up to five years to repay. Rates are 9.9% APR at an interest rate of 0.79% per month. Barclays also offer a ‘higher education account’.

Graduate accounts are useful as they can offer extras that a normal account would not. If you find a better deal around, the new bank will require you

to change your current account to theirs (if you are registered with another).

This is advisable, as you can monitor your account and loans easier if they are all with the same bank.

Take advantage of online banking where you can; it enables you to check your accounts as often as you like.

It is advisable to shop around, and to visit your nearest bank, to discuss your options.

But be careful not to be per-

suaded by colourful deals which may not benefit you in the long term.

Check the rates they offer you, and any extra charges. Many banks now offer loan protection in case you can not afford repayments.

Jobs & Money show the benefits and incentives of opening a graduate account with the big four banks.

Interest-free overdrafts of up to £2,000 in your first year afterLloyds graduation, £1,500 in the second year, and £1,000 in the third year.

■ A TSB low cost loan of up to £10,000 with the added option of loan protection in case you don’t make payments.

■ A classic credit card with limit of at least £500.

■ Commission free travel money.

■

■ ‘Graduate Plus’ has a minimum 12-month initial term which is then renewable monthly.

■ Lower rate of interest than Bank Account customers on Overdrafts. The overdraft rate is 15.6% EAR typical (subject to status) when you are above your interest free entitlement.

■ Free global ATM withdrawals when using Cirrus or Maestro cash machines; free from HSBC fees when using your HSBC international debit card.

With ‘Graduate Additions’ an initial £200 interest-free overdraft on account opening is available, with further interest-free limits available up to £3,000.

■ Apply to extend overdraft to £3,000 at a preferential 9.9% EAR typical (variable).

■ Graduate relationship managers in some branches are on hand to help.

■ Connect card with daily withdrawal limit of £3000 subject to available funds.

■ Interest-free overdraft or loan of up to £2,000 to pay off your overdraft.

■

Preferential rates on a graduate loan between £1,000 and £15,000.

■ Ability to use a Servicecard with Maestro for cash and to pay in shops (or a Cashcard with Solo).

■ Discounts on holidays and flights, plus commission-free travel money.

■ Discounts on single trip and long stay travel insurance.

■ Having a NatWest student account already, you will automatically benefit from all the features of the graduate account in the July after you graduate.

■

Loans stripped It is easy to forget that your student loan is not money for nothing. We strip down your loan to its bare essentials.

1. Graduates repay their loans when earning more than £15,000.

2. It is not until the April after graduation that the re-paying of the loans is considered.

3. 9% is deducted from earnings.

4. The debt money is deducted from graduates pay cheque by HM Revenue and Customs.

5. Students can get a smaller loan in their final year, as it is only covering you until the end of term.

6. Interest is dependent on the rate of the inflation of the year. Last year student loans attracted an interest rate of 3.2% but this has fallen to 2.4% this academic year.

7. The student loan company has a low interest rate, in comparison to a deposit in an account. It is advisable to pay off other loans before the student loan, as there may be more interest added on.

8. Bankruptcy will no longer clear student debts as this loophole was closed in 2004. However, after 25 years the debt would be cancelled out.

22 gairrhydd

HEALTH

MARCH.26.2007 HEALTH@gairrhydd.COM

Feeling the strain Repetitive Strain Injury can be quite common among students during this time of the year.

Health takes a closer look at the condition Liz Stauber Health Editor

R

epetitive Strain Injury is the name given to a group of conditions caused by placing too much stress on a muscle, tendon or other soft tissue.

It is mainly caused by repetitive use of an area of the body. It is usually connected to a job, but leisure activities can also be a cause.

RSI symptoms persist for a longer amount of time than an ordinary strain caused by a sudden injury.

When stress occurs repeatedly over time, the body’s joints don’t have time to recover and the joints, and surrounding tendons and muscles, become irritated and inflamed.

Anyone who overuses their muscles, in their arms and hands especially, may develop RSI. The biggest cause is working with a computer, for example through typing or constant use of the mouse. Other factors to consider are poor posture and not taking enough breaks.

It is important to have a rest every so often, and to sit in a comfortable position. However, sitting in the same

position for a long period of time can cause some damage.

The environment in which you work can also be a factor. Cold or hot temperatures, dim lighting, shadow or glare which forces you to shift position to see clearly, can all cause problems.

Sport can also play a part in causing repetitive strain injury. Tennis is the most common example, as it is the same repeated action that makes up the majority of the game.

All the stress and work is put on one part of the body.

The biggest cause of RSI is working with a computer However, something as simple as wearing the wrong shoes can also be a problem, as it can lead to foot and ankle problems.

Mobile phones can also have an influence. Typing text messages is a repetitive action which could cause a strain on the hand, whereas holding a phone in one position while on a call, especially resting it between the shoulder and chin to leave the hands free,

could put a strain on the upper arms.

In most cases, symptoms develop in an arm, wrist or hand as these are the parts of the body used most.

The most common form of RSI is writer’s cramp. Recently, the people most affected have been typists, musicians and people who work in places where repetitive tasks are standard, such as supermarket till operators. DIY fanatics and sport enthusiasts are also likely to develop the complaint.

Symptoms can include pain, tightness, dull ache, throbbing, numbness or tingling in the injured area. They tend to develop gradually and at first only occur when the task is being carried out, and then they fade away as you rest.

Over time, the symptoms can be present all the time, but are made worse through the activity.

The exact reason why RSI develops isn’t clear.

In many cases there is no swelling, inflammation or other obvious signs which occur in the muscles, but still symptoms develop.

It is also unclear why some people are susceptible to repetitive strain injury, and others who take part in the same tasks aren’t affected.

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The annual Cardiff v Swansea grudge match

Clash of the Titans

n l y o , 1 s t winn r o p s er 25

Your comprehensive 12-page guide to Varsity 2007

gairrhydd 3 MARCH.26.2007

VARSITY SPECIAL

SPORT@gairrhydd.COM

contents Varsity history Meet the team Your Varsity poster Fun and games The ground It’s not all about the rugby

4 5 6 8 9 10

It’s showtime...

Introducing your guide to Varsity 2007 In the glorious world of sport, there is nothing more important than passion, pride and rivalry.

Think of Real Madrid versus Barcelona, Arsenal against Spurs and the Six Nations grudge match between Wales and England.

But in university terms, the most prestigious event on the sporting calendar is the showdown between Cardiff and Swansea. Varsity is upon us.

On Wednesday April 25, Cardiff and Swansea University will come face-to-face in a staggering 23 matches. Every game counts and the university with the highest number of wins will clinch the local bragging rights.

And you can show your support for the Cardiff team. On the

evening of Varsity, the Cardiff and Swansea rugby teams will battle it out on the hallowed turf of Cardiff Arms Park.

Tickets for the match and Varsity merchandise, including the traditional foam fingers, are available at competitive prices in the Students’ Union.

Cardiff won the event last time around and they will be looking to repeat the process in 2007. But after losing out in 2006, Swansea will be determined to put the feeling of loss behind them and end their season on a high. Therefore, your support is essential.

This guide aims to provide you with all the information about Varsity you need to know.

We talk to Men’s Rugby captain,

Matt Hopper, about the prospect of playing at Cardiff Arms Park.

The guide also includes a comprehensive fixture list, an array of statistics and facts about previous Varsity events, the rules of rugby for dummies and a fact-file about Cardiff Arms Park.

And don’t think this guide is all about rugby. We speak to the captains of several sports clubs taking part, while the Cardiff cheerleaders also get a mention.

So what are you waiting for.

Now is the ideal time to put the kettle on, relax and read all about this showpiece occasion in which all Cardiff students can get involved.

Varsity editors: George Pawley and Dave Menon Photos: Adam Gasson, James Perou Contributors: Jack Zorab, Jon Berridge, Huw Davies, Pete Dean, Steve Florey, Emma Jones

Varsity 2007: bigger and better AU President his year’s Varsity Challenge between Cardiff and Swansea promises to be bigger and better than ever before.

We have a record number of students and teams competing throughout the day, and finish with the eagerly anticipated rugby match at Cardiff Arms Park. We are expecting an attendance of 8,000, most of which should be Cardiff fans.

Last year, our teams lifted the shield, and the rugby boys followed suit with the Trophy. Swansea are hungry for revenge while our valiant teams are determined to defend their title. The scene is set for the biggest ever showdown in the 12-year history of the Varsity Challenge.

Since its beginning in 1996, this event has gone from strength to

T

strength. We can now be proud that it has become the second largest varsity in the United Kingdom, second only to the annual clash between Oxford and Cambridge.

The event is purely for charity. The benefactors are the Welsh Rugby Charitable Trust, who provide support for severely injured rugby players and their families throughout Wales. Last year’s spectacle raised over £7,000 for the cause.

All the players are gearing up for the highlight of Cardiff’s sporting calendar. April 25 is the day when all Cardiff students should don their red and black shirts, uniting in support of our teams, and hopefully celebrating together in Rubber Duck later that night. Prepare for the clash of the titans.

4 gairrhydd

VARSITY SPECIAL

MARCH.26.2007 SPORT@gairrhydd.COM

how gair rhydd reported the match last year...

ARMS PARK: Home of Welsh Rugby

VARSITY 2006: CARDIFF 15 SWANSEA 5 DESPITE THE incredible pre-match hype surrounding the Varsity match, and with the history of the cup against them, the Cardiff Men’s Rugby team secured the prestigious trophy against arch-rivals Swansea in a tense encounter.

The match began with a series of bonecrunching tackles, which resulted in a wrist injury to Swansea centre Aaron May. Cardiff scrum-half Tom Eastham had the first opportunity to put some points on the board, only to see his penalty strike the post.

Cardiff continued to dominate early on, with outside-centre Simon Rosser and fullback Matt Hopper breaking through the Swansea defence but unable to get to the try line.

Off-the-pitch tempers between the two Universities sparked a large brawl behind the team’s dugouts, delaying play for a couple of minutes.

Following the resumption, the Swansea backs finally began to threaten with penetrating runs. Cardiff’s best first half try-scoring opportunity fell to centre Geoff Hobbs

who was released by wing Tom Herbert but knocked on with the try-line beckoning for wing Jon Walder.

Eastham slotted a penalty just before half time, but Swansea immediately struck back with a try in the corner to leave the match delicately poised in the Swans’ favour.

Second half changes increased Cardiff’s energy levels, and with 10 minutes of the match remaining they finally got their deserved try.

Alex Huntley broke through the Swansea defence and proceeded to score in the corner. Eastham missed the conversion, leaving the score at 8 - 5 in Cardiff’s favour.

Cardiff continued to press forward, and with five minutes remaining they put the match beyond Swansea with a penalty try.

The forwards deserved the credit for the score, as the pressure they exerted forced Swansea to continually infringe upon the Cardiff scrum. Eastham duly kicked the conversion to open up a 10 point gap.

Swansea pressed forward in search of a consolation try but were unable to find a

way through a resolute Cardiff defence. The Cardiff fans erupted at full time, running onto the pitch to celebrate with the victorious players.

Cardiff coach Martyn Fowler was ecstatic with the result, commenting: “That result is really the icing on the cake for our season. We have had a brilliant year and we certainly deserved to win.”

INSIDE: sketball, more Netball, Ba REVIEW: ckey and VARSITY ttered across Football, Ho Page 30 Swans ba - 39 the board Pages 37

The Cardiff fans erupted at full time, running onto the pitch to celebrate with the victorious players

LAST YEAR’S VICTORIOUS TEAM Cardiff: M Hopper (D Pollard), T Herbert (A Huntley), G Hobbs, S Rosser, J Walder (F Watson), S Burford (blood replacement T Issacs), T Eastham A Mason (A Ford), A Fowler, A Richards (B Raison), B Sidgwick, T Evans, J Cole (O Griffith), T Hocking, S Edwards (T Norris) Tries: A Huntley, Penalty Try Cons: T Eastham Pens: T Eastham

gair rhydd

Spor t

s

By Ed Joneor Sport Edit

the Varsity RETAINED ay with a CARDIFF Wednesd l Shield on victories over loca ous day’s series of nsea. A glori rivals Swa reached an appropriion e with viccompetit phant final ately trium Brewery Field. a tory at the began at midday in erous day boist The crammed with netballers the sports hall support as competition. travelling for the day’s team 69-21, set the tone Swansea of Crushing the ll win was the first netba Cardiff’s iff’s many many. winds, Card Amid bitter in strong voice all were supporters y Sports Centre and theirr around Skett savage bante and and cheery tunesteams on to points spurred the e. goals galor s’ Hockey players were win while The Ladie ing to a 6-0 rampant, cruis s’ Badminton team Ladie inside, the 5-4 victory. rway at 2pm a to d battle got unde The football a. While the much dram the and provided d to a 6-0 victory, Ladies roare an encouraging start, ns Rugby Men made time with a 1-0 adva Cardiff Men’ y 5 - 15 us’ Rugby Men’s Rugb entering half Cardiff’s men capit Cardiff Ladie Swansea y 0 - 62 and s Football tage. However, the second half Ladies’ Rugb Cardiff Men’ all in Swansea all 4 - 1 en’s Footb lated late t.

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Xpress Radio, Cardiff’s student radio station, will be broadcasting live from the match on 87.7FM

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TRIBUTIONS D THE SUMM !" ED - COCK T TO SPEN N ROOTS JOHN, ABOU TO HIS ARYA RNS MAGE RETU

Past Varsity scores 1997 - CARDIFF ARMS PARK 1998 - ST HELENS 1999 - CARDIFF ARMS PARK 2000 - ST HELENS 2001 - ST HELENS 2002 - ST HELENS

Can’t get to the stadium but don’t want to miss out?

RUGBY: historic Men recordBridgend victor y at Page 38

2003 - BREWERY FIELD 2004 - BREWERY FIELD

CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

2005 - BREWERY FIELD

CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16

2006 - BREWERY FIELD

CARDIFF . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 SWANSEA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

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VARSITY SPECIAL

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Meet the Varsity squad 2007 Provisional Varsity Training Squad Of the 32 players listed, 25 will be selected for the Varsity Squad on April 6 2007

With the Varsity match less than a month away Matt Hopper discusses all things Green and Red: Zorab: How much do you think playing in Premier A this season will help you considering Swansea are in the league below?

Hopper: I don’t think it will give us much of an advantage really; the Varsity is such a big occasion that it tends to equal itself out. But it could give us a slight edge.

Zorab: Do you know any of the Swansea players yourself?

Hopper: Yes, my brother’s playing full-back!

Zorab: Brilliant. That’s bound to add a certain spice to it then?

Hopper: Yea, family rivalry’s healthy.

Zorab: Have you played at the Arms Park before?

Hopper: No, only one or two of the boys have so it will be a completely new experience.

Zorab: Swansea’s strength probably lies in their forwards more than their backs.

Where’s Cardiff main strength?

Hopper: All across the park really, as at the start of the season the backs lead the way, but towards the end, the forwards stole the limelight.

Zorab: You’ve played in two Varsity matches already. What’s your best memory?

Hopper: The victory last year with my flat-mate scoring the winning try.

Zorab: How are the team keeping fit for the match now the regular season is over?

Hopper: We’re all meeting up about 12 days before the match to be beasted and ensure we’re in good shape for it. And we’ve got a warm up game against Cardiff U20s.

Zorab: How important is the crowd going to be?

Hopper: Massive. It’s why I love playing rugby so much. To get the chance to play in front of your friends and peers just adds to the excitement.

Playing it in Cardiff as well means we should have the crowd on our side.

Zorab: Finally what’s your prediction?

Matt Hopper: I think we will have the edge. But it’ll be an incredibly tough game. Just can’t wait for that first hit!

PHOTO: JAMES PEROU

Aaron Fowler Cardiff RFC Aled Mason Cardiff URFC Alex Huntley Cardiff URFC Alex Lester Tonna RFC Andrew Cassidy Cardiff URFC Chris Jenkins Cardiff URFC Danny Brown Cardiff URFC David Lewis Cardiff URFC Edward Hampson Rhiwbina RFC Emyr James Rumney RFC Edward Steven Cardiff URFC Geoff Hobbs Glamorgan Wands RFC Harri Morgan Cardiff URFC James Corless Cardiff URFC Jack Beaman Cardiff URFC Jamie Roberts Cardiff RFC Johnny Gait Cardiff URFC Jon Hill Cross Keys RFC Jonathon Jones Bridgend Athletic Jon Walder Cardiff URFC Kell Ross Cardiff URFC Matthew Hopper Cardiff URFC Michael Hardy Tonna RFC Michael Schropfer Cardiff URFC Owain G Griffiths Cardiff URFC Phil Sales Cardiff URFC Tom Evans Bridgend RFC Tom Cooper Cardiff URFC Tom Isaacs Cardiff RFC Tom Powell Builth Wells RFC Sean Price Neath Athletic Tom Smith Neath RFC

Jack Zorab talks to skipper Matt Hopper

HOPPER: Captain Marvel

A YEAR on from the 2006 Varsity and Cardiff go into the prestigious match in much different circumstances than last year.

2006 was arguably the most successful year in Cardiff University’s Rugby history, as captain Tom Hocking led his side to promotion to the top tier of University Rugby, a Varsity win and the Welsh Cup. The majority of Hocking’s side have been disbanded with only Aaron Fowler, Aled Mason, Tom Issacs, Geoff Hobbs, Matt Hopper and Jon Walder regulars in 2006.

Promotion has not been kind for Cardiff with only one win 10 - 7 against Bristol being yielded in the league.

It’s time for Cardiff to banish the disappointment of BUSA this year and gain momentum for next season by retaining their shield

Jon Berridge guides you through Cardiff’s 2006/7 season, and offers his view on who could win the showpiece match

Cardiff however, has not been disgraced this season. Many factors this season have conspired against them, including key players being injured and tight matches going the wrong way.

2006 may have been a vintage year for Cardiff University Rugby but that team had been together for several years - many of the players had competed with each other throughout their University tenures. This current group of players have to some extent been thrown in at the deep end of the top level of University Rugby with little experience of playing with one another.

As Oxford forfeited their place in the top division, Cardiff will not be relegated and will

doubtless improve on this year’s performances.

Anyone who witnessed Cardiff’s first half performance against highflying Hartbury, where Cardiff held the lead for an extended period, will realise Cardiff belonged at the highest University sport level.

Before that match Cardiff had been involved in some tight encounters but results continually went against them. In the opening game UWIC won at Llanrumney 29 - 22, Bath prevailed 34 24, Oxford sneaked a 16 - 14 win and Exeter won a low scoring encounter 8 - 3.

Had Cardiff been able to put their best team on the park every match the table would perhaps better reflect their ability.

Cardiff nevertheless possess some of the best backs at this level of rugby, with many capable of going on to very productive careers in the game. The halfback combination of Tom Issacs and Michael Schropfer is arguably the strongest of all the Welsh Universities.

Cardiff also possesses plenty of pace in the three-quarters with the elusive running of captain Matt Hopper, Jon Walder, Jack Beaman and Jonathon Gait.

The problem that has plagued the team this season is how often all these players have been available. The replacements have performed admirably but given the power and resources of the opposition it has been difficult for Cardiff.

The scoreline in last year’s Varisty match flattered Swansea. Cardiff dominated possession and territory and were unfortunate not to win by more. Cardiff should be used to the intensity of their 2007 challenge given their experiences this year.

The match is a one off, and no doubt Cardiff have the ability and the players to win. It’s time for Cardiff to banish the disappointment of BUSA this year and gain momentum for next season by retaining their shield yet again.

Cardiff Arm’s Park is the perfect venue for this to happen.

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“IN WAR CAN ONLY WINN

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PHOTOS: Adam Gasson and James Perou

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Rugby for Dummies Pete Dean explains the rules of rugby Game Length A game of rugby union has two periods of 40 minutes each. The referee will stop the clock for stoppages.

Between the two halves, there is a maximum 10-minute interval, after which both teams change ends.

Try Five points are awarded for touching the ball down in your opponent's goal area.

Conversion Two points are added for a successful kick through the goalposts after a try.

CHEERLEADERS: Don’t Sneeze

Full of cheer

Emma Jones Cheerleading Reporter VARSITY is not only a prestigious competition for sports teams, as it’s also a huge event for the Cardiff University Cheerleaders.

Originally formed in 2001 to cheer for the Cardiff Cobras American football team, Cardiff Snakecharmers have gone from strength to strength and now perform annually at the Superbowl party and BCA (British Cheerleading Association) competitions.

The cheerleaders have been performing at Varsity since 2004 but this is the first time the event has been held on home turf at Cardiff.

This means the girls are under extra pressure to pull off a more impressive performance than their Swansea rivals.

Squad captain, Natalie Crockett, took some time out to speak to gair rhydd about one of the biggest events of the cheerleading calendar.

JONES: What does it mean to the cheerleaders to perform at Varsity?

CROCKETT: Varsity is a huge event for us and we’re really glad that we get the opportunity to be a part of it. We have two squads this year and it’s the one chance we all

get to perform together as one, which is really nice. Varsity is a social event as well as being about sport and we get the opportunity to be creative and have fun with it.

How do you all feel about performing at Cardiff Arms Park?

We’re all really excited to be performing at the Arms Park, it’s a big venue and will probably get the biggest crowd we perform to this year. And it’s always nice to be on our home ground instead of being away at Bridgend.

Penalty Three points are awarded for a penalty kick. It has to be kicked through the posts and is awarded following an infringement from the opposition.

These can be kicked out of play to maintain possession.

Drop Goal Three points are awarded when a player lets the ball bounce before kicking it through the other team’s posts.

Knock-on When a player loses control of the ball and spills it forward. It results in a scrum being awarded to the opposition.

Forward Pass Passes must be thrown backwards. A pass that goes forward results in a scrum being awarded to the opposing team.

Offside When a player becomes involved having been in front of a team-mate in possession of the ball, or in front of a team-mate who last played the ball. A penalty is awarded to the opposing team.

Ruck When a tackled player goes to ground, they must release the ball immediately. To gain possession, both sides will try to drive over the ball to make it available for their teammates.

Maul Similar to a ruck, but the ball is in hand rather than on the floor. Players

joining the maul must have their heads or shoulders no lower than their hips. They also must have at least one arm bound to a team-mate.

Scrum Used for restarting play after an infringement. The team that didn't commit the offence put the ball into the scrum and often gain subsequent possession.

Lineout Used for restarting play when the ball has gone out. The ball should be thrown in straight.

The Sin Bin A player who has committed a yellow card offence will be forced to sit out of the game for 10 minutes.

Red Card A serious offence results in a red card and the player will play no further part in the game.

Five-metre scrum If the defence touch the ball down in the dead ball zone, a five-metre scrum is awarded to the attacking team.

YOUR SAY: What are your memories and expectations of Varsity?

What are your past experiences of performing at Varsity?

Varsity always has a brilliant atmosphere, everyone is really supportive and they get behind the event 100%.

So performing there gives you a real buzz.

Any funny stories to tell about previous years at Varsity?

The streaking is always amusing. No real stories really, except that the Swansea cheerleaders once banned us from performing because it was raining and then went on themselves to perform anyway. Our captain at the time was not amused.

Other than that the lead-up to Varsity is always a bit hectic and we normally have some injuries beforehand that threaten to stop us performing. But, touching wood, it has all worked out in the end.

R E N R O C QUIZ hing Cardiff a tc a w n a th r e What’s bettea for the second year in s n a w S ee. beat hing it for fr tc a w , ll e W row?

quiz to be inof r u o t a k c a r pair Have a c of winning aity. Please e c n a h c a h rs wit is year’s Vasports e tickets for th th ntries to send your e port@gairrhydd.com editors on s

Name: Mark Bartini Year: One Course: Journalism “I think Swansea are going to win actually. The atmosphere is going to be amazing at the Arms Park.

Hopefully the Cardiff boys will win so we can have a good night but I’ve heard Swansea are a powerful side this year.”

Name: Stuart Jolley Year: Three Course: Neuro-Science “Last year’s Varsity was great event which brought everyone together. It was extremely close and I hope Cardiff get a good result again”

Name: David Wilkinson and Paul Medford Year: Three Course: Sociology & Chemistry David: “I can’t remember last year” Paul: “It will be a strange atmosphere this year as it’s at the Arms Park”

1) Where is the Varsity rugby match taking place this year?

2) What date is it taking place?

3) What was the result in the rugby match last year?

4) Who is the Cardiff rugby captain?

5) How many times have Cardiff won in the last ten years?

6) Who is the Cardiff Head of Rugby?

7) The event raises money for which trust?

8) How many matches take place over the course of the event?

9) Who is this year’s Varsity sponsor?

10) If you don’t win our quiz, how much will a pair of tickets cost you?

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VARSITY SPECIAL

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PHOTO: JAMES PEROU

Hallowed Turf

ARMS PARK: Home of Welsh Rugby

Huw Davies on the history of Cardiff Arms Park Cardiff Arms THE NEWS that Cardiff Arms Park will host this year’s Varsity rugby match, as exclusively revealed by gair rhydd last month, is a major bonus for the annual showdown between Cardiff and Swansea.

Such an impressive venue will undoubtedly add even more prestige to the highlight of the university sporting calendar, and further heighten the drama of an already titanic fixture.

The honour bestowed upon the Cardiff versus Swansea Varsity match is one of considerable magnitude. It may stand quite literally in the shadow of the Millennium Stadium, but Cardiff Arms Park is an illustrious stadium with a rich sporting history.

One could even call it the spiritual home of Welsh rugby.

The stadium has come on a long way since the Marquis of Bute handed the land over as “a swampy meadow” in 1803. The first event to be staged there in 1848 may have been a cricket match, but even though Cardiff Arms Park hosted the 1958 Commonwealth Games, it is naturally rugby union

that dominates its history.

The first match was played at the Arms in 1874, between the Wanderers Club and Glamorgan’s 2nd XV. The game was “ultimately discontinued by consent and considered a draw”.

Ten years later, the ground’s first international match ended in a Welsh victory over Ireland by two tries and a drop-goal to nil (there was no scoring system at this stage). The Irish had turned up with only 13 men, and had to borrow two players from Newport.

Five years before it was blitzed by the Luftwaffe, Arms Park witnessed an equally incredible spectacle in 1936. 70,000 people squeezed into a 56,000 capacity stadium to watch a showdown between Wales and Ireland.

Queues formed five hours before kick-off, and after the match a riotous crowd had to be hosed down by the fire brigade. Many were trampled underfoot in the post-match action.

The score? 3 - 0. Viv Jenkins of Wales kicked the only points of the game.

In more recent years, Cardiff RFC have enjoyed some success at Cardiff

Arms Park: the university’s rugby team should be inspired by the Blues’ winning of seven domestic cups, as well as reaching the Heineken Cup final in 1996.

Playing at the home of Cardiff

How to get there 1. From the Students’ Union, turn onto Salisbury Road.

2. Turn right onto St Andrews Place.

3. Turn left onto Park Place.

4. Turn right onto Boulevard de Nantes.

5. Turn left onto North Road and continue to follow the A4161.

6. Turn slightly left onto Westgate Street.

7. End at Cardiff Arms Park, which is next to the Millenium Stadium.

It takes approximately 15-20 minutes to walk to Cardiff Arms Park from the Students’ Union. Or you could get a taxi.

Varsity - An Itinerary ASAP: Buy your Varsity ticket, t-shirt, foam finger and Rubber Duck ticket WEDNESDAY 25 APRIL - VARSITY 9am: Get up and line your stomach 10am: Have a shower, put on your Varsity merchandise 10.10am: Listen to Welsh Male Voice Choirs to get fired up and exercise your vocal chords 11am: Pub 1pm: Eat again...trust me 2pm: Travel to Llanrumney / Talybont / Park Place and support your favourite Varsity team

Blues will certainly be awe-inspiring, with the likes of Gareth Edwards, Barry John and, more recently, Jonah Lomu having graced the turf of Cardiff Arms Park. It will be a feeling matched only by victory.

2.30pm: K/O 4pm: Run on the pitch / court to celebrate 4.30pm: Pub Crawl - progress towards the Arms Park 6.30pm: Gates at the Arms Park open 7.28pm: Welsh National Anthem 7.30pm: Kick-off in the 11th Annual Varsity Rugby Challenge 8.10pm: Half-time 8.20pm: Second Half begins 9pm: Full-time in the Varsity game - shed tears of joy or shame 9.05pm: Cup and Medal presentation 10pm: Taf 10.30pm: Rubber Duck - go and meet your Varsity heroes and pick up a nice hangover

Park Facts

50

the number of English pounds the first stand of the old stadium cost to erect in 1881

1

the number of stands that remain from the old Cardiff Arms Park

12,500

The full capacity of Cardiff Arms Park

116

The most points scored in a single rugby match at the stadium (116-0 against Dunvant, 2000)

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How the other Varsity Shield teams faired last

Netball

Swansea 21 v 69 Cardiff CARDIFF ENJOYED a comfortable victory over Varsity rivals Swansea in a match they dominated from start to finish, as Swansea failed to avenge last year’s heavy Varsity defeat.

It was Swansea who were first to score but their lead was short lived and Cardiff were soon ahead, with GoalShooter Sophie Vaughan in excellent form. Cardiff then began to take a stranglehold on the match.

Centre Carys Jenkins dictated much of the play, whilst goal-defence Becky Oatley made some key interceptions, stopping Swansea from finding any rhythm. Ros Parker, making her debut for the first team, was energetic at

wing-defence as Cardiff rushed to a 33 – 13 lead at the half way stage.

Kelen Jones was introduced at half time, while the team switched positions round, which seemed to make Cardiff even more ruthless as they stretched their lead to 48-18.

Cardiff’s dominance continued and in the final quarter they scored even more freely, thanks to the shooting of Vaughan and Rosie Buse. Solid defence from Sam Lyons was also important, seeing Cardiff home to a final score of 69 - 21.

A delighted Carys Jenkins said: “I am especially pleased with the versatility the squad has shown, and that they all played a part in this victory.”

BECKY OATLEY Having soundly beaten Swansea for the last two years, Cardiff’s prospects for netball victory are once again looking good. Even without three key

first team players, a recent victory over our local rivals in the Welsh Cup has left Cardiff in a confident mood.

Nothing less than a victory will suffice.

Ladies Rugby

Swansea 0 v 62 Cardiff CARDIFF TOOK out the frustration of a disappointing season and the recent acrimonious departure of their coach, showing no mercy to a Swansea team two leagues below them in a 62 - 0.

Cardiff were ahead in three minutes, outside centre Rebecca Doyle crossing the line after a scrum won against the head. The second score also came from a scrum; number 8 Holly Searle broke

with the ball and set up a platform for Captain Kat Gubb to score.

Cardiff changed ends 32 - 0 and continued to cut loose in the second half. Searle scored the second of her hat-trick after a quick tap penalty by scrum-half Mia Brunner straight after half time, ruining Swansea’s ambitions of a better half.

Swansea weren’t generally culpable for their downfall until 10 minutes into

Men’s Football

Swansea 4 v 1 Cardiff DESPITE BEING recently crowned as winners of their BUSA league and being 1 - 0 up with just 20 minutes remaining, Cardiff suffered a disappointing defeat against Swansea.

Cardiff Captain Mark Lucas opened the soring just minutes after Eifion Roberts has squandered a good chance; a corner from Sammy Gonzalez was met by the skipper who powered in a free header off the post.

After sustained Swansea attacks, Cardiff’s defence was finally breached in the 72nd minute via a long throw into the area which was tucked home at the near post.

It was deservedly 2 - 1 to the home

side shortly afterward, as a through ball was expertly finished by Swansea; Cole Stacey had no chance with the shot from outside the area which flashed into the top corner.

A speight of bookings threatened to spoil the match as passions nearly boiled over, and Cardiff’s misery at losing the lead was compounded further as Swansea scored twice more in the closing stages to make their win sufficiently emphatic.

Captain Mark Lucas confirmed Cardiff’s frustration afterward, commenting that the defeat was “very disappointing considering the way we battled for 70 minutes.”

NIKKI BAMBER (Club Captain) We’ve had a successful season winning the BUSA league and are about to enter play-offs for the Premiership. The players are looking forward to the annual Varsity fixture, which promises to be as competitive as previous years. Our dedication, determination, drive and desire will hopefully result in a victory.

the second half when a dropped pass behind their try line allowed Ruth Osbourne to score the simplest try she probably ever will.

It was still all Cardiff as Brunner scored her second from a quick pick up from a ruck 15 minutes from the end, and there was still time for three more tries from Searle, Doyle and substitute Louise Steel crossed in the corner to complete the rout.

Captain Gubb was delighted with the performance. “Everyone was excellent and gave 100% today, after a disappointing year it’s been difficult to keep everyone motivated” she said after the game.

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year and their views on their chances in 2007 Squash Ladies’ Hockey ERICA BALLANTYNE (Women’s Capt) Over the year, both the men’s teams and the ladies have performed well in the BUSA leagues.

The men’s firsts have excelled on court and have remained undefeated, and it is hoped that their winning streak will continue for the forthcoming Varsity match. The ladies team have also enjoyed a good season in the BUSA league; they are also hoping for a repeat of last year’s Varsity victory over Swansea.

Swansea 0 v 6 Cardiff CARDIFF LADIES’ passing and movement was as slick and dynamic as ever as they sealed a 6 – 0 win.

Cardiff carved out a series of chances and short-corners in the opening minutes and raced to a 4 - 0 lead before half time. Amelia Williams, Laura Ferguson, Philly Cox and Donna McCormick all registered on the score-sheet.

The second half began in much the

Men’s Hockey

PAUL HAYES (Captain)

Swansea 0 v 4 Cardiff HAVING RECENTLY won their BUSA league, Cardiff went into this match full of confidence and, well backed by their travelling supporters, duly left with a comfortable 4 - 0 win.

However, poor finishing prevented Cardiff from taking the lead they deserved, as a number of chances were missed on the posts. Martyn Freshman finally put the frustrated crowd out of their misery as he scored at the third attempt after turning well in the Swansea D. The more open nature of the second half suited Cardiff’s flowing, counter-attacking style, allowing Chris Rhodes to show some crowd-

same vain. The fifth came soon after the break. Emily Patterson, playing in her first Varsity encounter, created space for herself on the right of the D and produced an excellent cross for Williams, who finished for her second of the game.

Tamara Fateh was imperious in the heart of the Cardiff midfield, but it was Blair who nabbed the team’s sixth with a straight strike from a short-corner.

The Men's Hockey will go into Varsity with supreme confidence after beating Swansea in the Welsh Unis cup 2 weeks ago. The Varsity hockey match has been dominated

by Cardiff in recent years and defender Dai McGahon is looking forward to playing against the old enemy once again. "Varsity is the culmination of our season.

Everything comes to a close after this game. So it is important to end of a good note and beat the old rivals. It is a brilliant event. There is always a good crowd and everyone enjoys themselves."

pleasing stick skills and link up well with fresher Dai Young on the right flank. A free-hit won by Rhodes set up a chance for Tom Mulét who finished neatly inside the far post. At 2 - 0, Cardiff really started to enjoy themselves and it wasn’t long before topscorer Paul Hayes got on the score sheet as he reacted first to a loose ball after a short corner.

Cardiff pushed on and Gav Vollmer scored on his varsity debut having replaced Hayes. Courtney was pleased with the 4 - 0 win; “We could have been sharper, but we were still good enough to dish out a lesson in how to play hockey”.

Ladies’ Football ALEX JOANNIDES (Captain) After a shaky start to the season with a draw against Gloucester, we started to play good football and also started to win games. The last three games have been a real battle, especially the periods of extra time, but we have shown that we can deliver under pressure and have the desire to win.

Ladies’ Basketball Men’s Cricket BEN WALKER (Captain) The Cricket Club is eagerly anticipating the first ever cricket Varsity. It’s the first match of what promises to be a very exciting season for the team.

We’re eagerly anticipating competing in the B.U.S.A. Premier League South after narrowly missing out on a playoff place next season. We have the privilege of kicking off Varsity this year and aim to start off with a big win.

Swansea 14 v 56 Cardiff FROM TIP-OFF the difference in class was obvious, with Swansea failing to produce anything in attack due to Cardiff’s trademark strong defence.

This was epitomised by Emma Gough who constantly picked the pockets of the Swansea guards and rushed down court for easy buckets.

Ros Parker’s defensive game was exceptional, as she carved herself chances with Gough on fast breaks up court, with Gough and Parker combining for 18 and 15 points respectively by the end of the

game.

All this meant that Cardiff had a comfortable 20 point lead at the half. However, complacency did strike Cardiff for the first five minutes of the third quarter as Swansea managed to get a couple of soft baskets.

This did not last long though, as Cardiff tightened up their D and reasserted their dominance. Sally Brookes gave an inspirational performance at both ends of the court and scored three unanswered baskets at the end of the third quarter.

The final score of 56 – 14, as large a gap as it was, almost did not do justice to the difference in quality between the sides.

CHARLENE HELLSTEN (Women’s Capt) Varsity is just like Rubber Duck or lectures… something that every student should experience. Due to injury last year I remained on the bench coaching the basketball team, not that they needed it as they finished the game with a forty-point victory. This year I finally get the chance to play, and I have every faith in my team mates that this year will be as good as last year.

gairrhydd 25

TELEVISION

MARCH.26 - APRIL.1.2007 TELEVISION@gairrhydd.COM

High Fiving All The Fresh Princes Out There: March 26th - April 1st

TV Desk Gets Jiggy Wit It Nanananaaaaa!

HOT

High Fives: TV Desk is all about the retro, and what better way of celebrating this than with the ultimate retro greeting. We want to see people championing this forgotten gesture with high fives galore around Cardiff this week. Don’t leave us hanging guys...

Soaps I forgot to buy Soap Weekly this week so I'm going to babble about Neighbours. It's ace. Fact. And the only soap I watch. Some small event happens and it just seems to snowball; for example having gambled on a horse or two Ned acquires an addiction. But still the nipple ring remains. Sky attends one job thingy and now has a thriving career which puts her at odds with motherhood, Karl went to an organic market and now decides to buy a rooster. Will tells Carmella the truth about him being uber rich!

Moral to those in relationships: always lie. The truth won’t see you past your one month anniversary, it would appear. Max and Stacey continue to bonk in Gayenders, and it's Tracey's murder trial in Coronation Street, but Deirdre knows the real deal. Will she spill?

Hope so, Tracey is a knob. x

NOT

Handshakes:

A

fierce argument is rocking the otherwise placid TV Desk. Telly-wise, who was the best character in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Opinion is divided among the members of the Desk who are still around, with TV Marshall choosing Carlton ‘Smart Casual’ Banks, TV Kyle choosing Geoffrey ‘British Chocolate’ Butler, and TV Jazz, rather unsurprisingly considering her name, chose Jazz. Clearly TV Marshall is right in this case, but the others have decided to have a whinge and have demanded that they also get a chance to defend their inadequate character choices.

Inadequate Marshall? I think not!

Although admittedly Geoffrey’s charm is more subtle than the silly costumes and embarrasing chatup lines that his surrounding cast

Fudge Tunnel Twelvety

bombarded us with, his consistently witty remarks were in fact the only thing which saved the programme from being a complete and utter plane crash. Since The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was finally hauled off the air in 1996, Joseph Marcell who played Geoffrey has appeared in Doctor Who and twice in Eastenders.

Take that Hollywood!

DJ Jazzy Jeff was a bloody superstar. Both Marshall and Kyle are wrong. Jeff was ace, first and foremost, you’d be waiting with baited blue Panda pop breath for his appearance on each episode.

Jeff was Will Smith’s real sidekick: you knew it, I knew it and Carlton definitely knew it (his constant nagging about this ensures that Carlton loses 10 points on the basis of being a whiney, insecure twat.) Jeff was from the wrong side of the tracks (Compton!), wore obscene, almost epileptic fit-

Bring Back...

Saved By The Bell! Yes that’s right, of all my childhood heroes in the nickelodeon world, it was Zack and the gang which I held dearest to my heart. Talking points galore, such as, Will, Zack and Kelly ever get it together for good?

Will Lisa Turtle ever fully succumb to the Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers’ questionable powers of seduction? Or will Zack and A.C Slater ever combine their powers, irrespective of the homoerotic tension that existed between them? Other Saved By The Bell classics involve Zack’s big fuck off phone, Mr Belding and how his words of wisdom ruled the school corridors and, of course, his Jewfro/converse combination undoubtedly made him a fashion guru not to be reckoned with. Better than that Teen Angel shit anyway...

inducing floral shirts, and his huge crush on Hilary, served to heighten his underdog quality which would result in him being literally thrown out the house by Uncle Phil!

Domestic abuse issues aside, he was also musically seminal, but I’m going to shut up now as it’s Ben’s turn...

As you can probably tell by now, none of us really care which one is actually the best. This has evolved from a simple debate into a fully blown fight for supremacy betwixt the TV Desk. That said, however, I’m clearly right. Carlton Banks is my style icon, and I can usually be found wearing a sport coat, or a jumper draped over my lovely masculine shoulders. Indeed, he is such a renaissance man, that not only was he a style icon, but he is also the first season winner of Fox's Celebrity Duets and a twotime winner of the Toyota Pro/Celebrity Race. So he is an absolute champ and I love him.

Love xx

Normally the preserve of your dad and smug politicos the world over. It’s official: the handshake is shit. You are never sure when a handshake has gone on long enough, and are often left with a long uncomfortable period of time when you are still touching somebody that you really don’t want to.

Film This week’s film pick is The Bourne Identity, on ITV2 on Sunday at 11pm. Man loses memory. Man goes on quest to regain memory. Man meets girl.

Man and girl shag. Man uses lots of heavy armed violence and races minis around the centre of Paris. Man kills bad guys. Man is reunited with girl in sunny beach setting. Passionate kiss to happygo-lucky music ensues. In this case it is Moby. Top film with generally great cast, excluding the alldancing Julia Stiles. Watch it!

Sport This week the Cricket World Cup continues to be about as exciting as counting the keys on this very keyboard. For the record there are 111 keys which I counted earlierwhile the cricket was on. Luckily the footie is back with some internatonals for you to get all drunk and abusive over. Check out Italy Vs Scotland (BBC2 7.30pm) for the only UK related match which the BBC can afford

TV Grapevine According to top gossip website holymoly.com, at the screening for the Doctor Who thingy, there were lots of famous (ish) faces knocking about. Adam ‘I’m not Ian Beale’ Woodyatt has finally outgeeked his Eastenders character by carrying a camera even bigger than the paparazzis, Jonathon ‘Woss’ Ross was seen with a live puppy in his lap, and Jo ‘I think I’m more interesting than I actually am’ Whiley was seen draping her kids over a dalek like she was arranging flowers. Showbiz, eh?

26 gairrhydd

MONDAY

MARCH.26.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

The Slammer

Making a Meal of It

ITV at Reading 2005

My Mother Frank

Just Shoot Me

BBC1 5.30pm

BBC2 2.30pm

ITV 5.05am

Channel 4 3.15am

S4C 9.00am

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Don't Get Done, Get Dom 11:00am Escape to the Country 12:00pm To Buy or Not to Buy 12:30pm Car Booty 1:15pm Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Diagnosis Murder 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Maya and Miguel 4:45pm The Likeaballs 5:00pm 50/50 5:30pm The Slammer Was an integral piece in the game of Pogs. When looking up this slice of childhood brilliance I found a piece of trivia which will leave your jaw wider than Dawn French’s waistband. The Army and Air Force Exchange Service (the main merchant for the US military) distributes pogs as change at its stores in contingency areas. Apparently the reason for adopting pogs as currency was that supply flights overseas had limited capacity and high costs, while metal coinage weighs significantly more than cardboard pogs. This has made my day.

6:00pm Angellica: Time Traveller 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm My Family 8:30pm Shopping the Supermarkets 9:00pm EastEnders 9:30pm Panorama 10:00pm New Street Law 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News 11:35pm Going Straight 12:05am Sleep Clinic

7:00am CBeebies:Fimbles 7:25am The Story Makers 7:35am Balamory 8:00am CBBC:Astro Boy 8:25am Newsround 8:30am Even Stevens 8:50am Batfink 9:00am The Cramp Twins 9:15am ChuckleVision 9:30am CBeebies:Tommy Zoom 9:40am Numberjacks 10:00am Nina and the Neurons 10:15am Lunar Jim 10:25am Me Too! 10:45am Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies 11:00am In the Night Garden 11:30am Schools:Watch 11:45am Words and Pictures 12:00pm Making Sense of Health 1:00pm The Daily Politics 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Schools:What?

Where? When? Why? 2:15pm Something Special 2:30pm Making a Meal of It 3:00pm Escape to the Country 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:45pm Flog It! 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm The Weakest Link 7:00pm Eggheads 7:30pm A Taste of My Life 8:00pm Bayonets and Bugles 8:30pm The Making of Jeremy Clarkson: Greatest Raid of All Time 9:00pm University Challenge 9:30pm Return to Lullingstone Castle 10:00pm This World: Child Slavery Insightful documentary into the paper round and how it is killing our children.

11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am Elle: Super Business Model 12:50am World Swimming Championships 1:40am Taken 3:00am GCSE Bitesize Revision 5:00am GCSE Bitesize Revision: Design and Tech

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 3:00pm Midsomer Murders 4:00pm Daily Cooks 5:00pm Poirot 6:00pm Soapstar Superchef 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm What Has The Assembly Done For Us? 9:30pm Coronation Street 10:00pm Mobile 11:30pm ITV News; Weather 12:00am Never to be Forgotten 12:30am Party Conference Broadcast: Plaid Cymru 12:35am Border Wars: Tonight 1:05am UEFA Champions League Weekly 1:35am ITV Play: Glitterball 5:05am ITV at Reading 2005 Last week saw the release of the line-up and tickets for the Carling Reading Festival 2007; three days worth of great bands, great times and bad beer.

This year’s line-up sees TV Desk darlings The Arcade Fire, Interpol, CSS, Nine Inch Nails and the much anticipated return of the Smashing Pumpkins, which will most probably see myself exploding. 6:00am ITV Nightscreen Last night’s pub conversation brought into contention the legitimacy of the phrase ‘dog tired’. Criticisms of the phrase included: not all dogs are that tired (Jack Russel) and they’re certainly no more tired than a badger. Rubbish.

7:00am The Cubeez 7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am My Crazy Life 11:00am Hardeep Does Race 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm My Big Gay Prom 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Bear Island 3:30pm A Place in the Sun 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm The Political Slot 9:00pm Dispatches: Cameron: Toff at the Top 10:00pm Animal Farm 11:00pm ER 12:00am The Sopranos 1:15am 4 Music:Live from Abbey Road 2:15am Transmission With T-Mobile 3:15am My Mother Frank What makes Channel 4 so ingenius is not that they would feature programmes on transsexual mothers, but that they would give them titles like this one. 5:00am Chez Mimi 5:15am When the Romans Came to Wales 5:30am All Change 5:50am Number Crew 6:00am Number Crew 6:10am Making It 6:15am Just Write 6:30am Puzzle Maths 6:45am More Adventures from the Writing House Top Five Hey Arnold characters; 5) Harold 4) Eugene 3) Gerald 2) The football head himself, Arnold 1) Oscar Kokoshka. All complaints should be sent to TV@gairrhydd.com.

7:00am Tickle, Patch and Friends 7:25am Franny's Feet Yo TV Fran, Guy wanted me to write something nasty about your feet but I thought it was cruel and unnecessary. Moral highground? I think so! 7:35am The Clangers 7:45am Hi-5 8:20am The Beeps 8:30am Little Princess 8:45am Make Way for Noddy 9:00am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:15am Peppa Pig 9:25am Thomas & Friends 9:40am Titch 9:50am Mio Mao Dyslexic kittens, lol. 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00pm Home and Away 1:30pm The Diet Doctors Inside and Out 2:30pm Harvest of Fire 4:35pm Appointment with Death 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:00pm five news 8:15pm The Gadget Show 9:00pm The Perfect Disaster: Solar Storm 10:00pm Britain's Extraordinary TenYear-Olds 11:00pm Prison Break 12:00am Traffic 2:35am USPGA Golf 3:25am NASCAR Nextel Cup 4:15am Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 5:05am Boxing: Fight of the Week 6:10am Ironman Austria So apparently most of my friends are going to Metros tonight; looks like I’m staying in then. Seriously, the place is horrible; bad smell, expensive to get in, some atrocious people and Offspring all night long. Welsh Club wins everytime.

8:00pm Castaway 9:00pm Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 9:30pm Help! My Dog's as Fat as Me 10:00pm The 34 Stone Teenager: Six Months On 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm Rush Hour Thank god this isn’t that horrible little film starring Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. Oh look we’re from different cultures, lol! 12:00am Jonathan Ross's Japanorama 12:30am American Dad 12:50am American Dad 1:15am The 34 Stone Teenager: Six Months On 2:10am Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 2:40am Help! My Dog's as Fat as Me 3:10am Spendaholics Saved My Life 4:10am The 34 Stone Teenager: Six Months On So student elections are officially over, and I’m sure you’re all awaiting the results with great anticipation. Personally I’m going to miss my free fairy cakes and minieggs every day, and while candidates might have been slightly annoying, their colourful costumes and posters lit up the union steps like a year 7 disco.

8:00pm Wainwright's Walks 8:30pm All Mod Cons 9:00pm The World is a vampire, sent to drain / Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames / And what do I get for my pain? / Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game... I love the Smashing Pumpkins I really do, but during their peak of popularity lyrics such as these nearly ruined the band. If I wanted to read about how bad the world is I’d read the Daily Mail, not this whiney self-centred trash. 9:30pm The Black 18th Century 10:00pm The British Way of Death 10:40pm The Victorian Way of Death: From Body Snatching to Burning 11:30pm Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy 12:15am Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe 12:45am Wainwright's Walks 1:15am The Black 18th Century 1:45am Racism: A History 2:45am Tales from the Front Room 3:45am The Black 18th Century

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Mopatop's Shop 7:25am Engie Benjy 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Winx Club 8:25am Transformers Cybertron 8:55am Yu-GiOh! GX 9:25am Biker Mice from Mars 9:55am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am Emmerdale 11:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 12:35pm Judge Judy 1:00pm Coronation Street 1:30pm Emmerdale 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:35pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:40pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:30pm Sally Jessy Raphael 6:15pm Airline USA 6:45pm Judge Judy 8:00pm Movies Now 8:15pm Dancing on Ice: Champion of Champions 9:30pm Dancing on Ice: The Champions Skate Off 10:00pm Shaun of the Dead

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am Robin Williams Not Robbie Williams 9:00am McFly's Boys With Guitars 10:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 11:00am Lemar's Few Good Men 12:00pm Fresh Stuff 1:00pm Nothing but... Sunny Jims 2:00pm Robin Williams Not Robbie Williams 3:00pm Switched 3:30pm One Tree Hill 4:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Scrubs 7:30pm Scrubs 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm The War at Home 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm She's All That 11:50pm Ulrika... Am I A Sex Addict?

12:55am Scrubs 1:25am Scrubs 1:50am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:45am Ulrika... Am I A Sex Addict? 3:45am The War at Home 4:05am Desperate Housewives 4:50am One Tree Hill 5:35am Switched 5:55am Switched 6:20am Switched

7:10am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am My Crazy Life 11:00am Hardeep Does Race 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm My Big Gay Prom 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Muffin the Mule 1:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 1:50pm Planed Plant Bach:Mr Men 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ribidires 2:15pm Grudge Match 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Wedi 3 5:00pm Planed Plant:Dennis a Dannedd 5:25pm Planed Plant:Campyfan 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm Richard and Judy 6:55pm Party Conference Broadcast by Plaid Cymru - The Party of Wales 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Rownd a Rownd 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:25pm Darllediad Cynadleddol: Plaid Cymru 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Ffermio

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gairrhydd

27

TUESDAY

MARCH.27.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

Diagnosis Murder

Something Special

Soapstar Superchef

Gay to Z

The Beeps

BBC1 3:35pm

BBC2 2:00pm

ITV1 6:00pm

C4 11.30am

five 8:20am

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Don't Get Done, Get Dom 11:00am Escape to the Country 12:00pm To Buy or Not to Buy 12:30pm Abolition of the Slave Trade: National Service of Commemoration 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Diagnosis Murder 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Maya and Miguel 4:45pm The Likeaballs 5:00pm 50/50 5:30pm The Slammer 6:00pm Blue Peter What’s everyones favourite Blue Peter scandal?

Personally I think the recentish phone line scam was rather tame...whatever happened to the days of Richard Bacon and his gak filled nostrels? I love how his career took off and he became a bad boy, but people realised he’s a twat and now he’s on radio I think, lol.

6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Coming Home 8:30pm EastEnders 9:00pm Holby City 10:00pm Life on Mars 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Week In, Week Out 12:05am ONE Life 12:50am Cricket World Cup Highlights 1:50am True Confessions 3:55am Sign Zone:Seaside Rescue 4:25am Sign Zone:An Island Parish 4:55am Sign Zone:Dr Alice Roberts: Don't Die Young

7:00am CBeebies:Fimbles 7:25am The Story Makers 7:35am Balamory 8:00am CBBC:Astro Boy 8:25am Newsround 8:30am Even Stevens 8:50am Batfink 9:00am The Cramp Twins 9:15am ChuckleVision 9:30am CBeebies:Tommy Zoom 9:40am Numberjacks 10:00am Nina and the Neurons 10:15am Lunar Jim 10:25am Me Too! 10:45am Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies 11:00am In the Night Garden 11:30am Wild about Nature 11:50am Primary Geography: Portrait of Europe 12:10pm Star Trek: The Next Generation 1:00pm The Daily Politics 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Something Special 2:20pm Bobinogs 2:30pm Making a Meal of It 3:00pm am.pm 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:45pm Flog It! 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm The Weakest Link 7:00pm Eggheads 7:30pm A Taste of My Life 8:00pm Are We There Yet? 8:30pm The Dragon's Tail 9:00pm The Underdog Show 10:00pm Horizon Last week I watched Horizon, it was about artificially inseminating rhinos. Here’s a ‘TV Desk’ fact: A Rhino’s penis is one metre long!

10:50pm New Forest Adders 11:00pm The Underdog Show: Results 11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am World Swimming Championships 1:10am Taken 2:35am Malcolm in the Middle 3:00am All About Me 4:00am Spit Game 4:30am Elephant Boy 5:00am GCSE Bitesize

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 3:00pm Midsomer Murders 4:00pm Daily Cooks 5:00pm Poirot 6:00pm Soapstar Superchef 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Some Like It Hot 9:00pm Cops with Cameras 10:00pm Half Ton Hospital: Tonight Special ITV presents us with a gratuitously fat person to laugh at, sorry, I mean sympathise with. Gross.

11:00pm Marbella Belles 11:30pm ITV News; Weather 12:00am Real Crime: The Perverted World of Marc Dutroux Marc Dutroux is a Belgian criminal, convicted of having, in 1995 and 1996, kidnapped, tortured and sexually abused six girls, ranging in age from 8 to 19, four of whom died as a result. He was incarcerated.

Several hundred pornographic videos with underage victims were found in Dutroux's houses. If you feel depressed this isn’t gonna be the televisual happy pill you’re after I doubt.

1:00am ITV Play: Glitterball What colour is a fire engine? Is it A. Blue? B. Yellow? or C. Red? Honestly it’s as easy as it looks, honestly. Would we lie to you? 4:40am Covers Forever 5:35am The Jules and Lulu Show 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News

7:00am The Cubeez 7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am My Crazy Life 11:00am Hardeep Does Religion 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm My Big Gay Prom 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Proud Parents 1:40pm The Eve of St Mark 3:25pm A Place in the Sun 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm The Political Slot 9:00pm Selling Houses Abroad 10:00pm Get Your Act Together with Harvey Goldsmith 11:00pm Kidnapped 12:40am The Crippendales 1:10am PartyPoker.com Poker Nations Cup 2:15am KOTV Classics 3:10am Freesports on 4: The Roxy Jam 3:35am World Cup Skiing 4:30am Velux 5 Oceans Ultimate Solo Challenge 5:00am Chez Mimi 5:15am Chez Mimi 5:30am Chez Mimi Top 5 quick alternatives to Breakfast Cereals: 5) Last night’s pizza 4) Toast 3) Croissants 2) Rice Krispy Marshmallow Bar 1) Pop Tarts. For those of you unfamiliar with the Rice Krispy Marshmallow Bar it was simply a rice krispy marshmallow treat shamelessly masquerading as a nutritous Breakfast alternative for hard working kids on the go such as my 12 year old self.

7:00am Tickle, Patch and Friends 7:25am Franny's Feet No atheletes foot to be found here, I can report from personal experience that TV Franny’s feet have the aroma of cherry blossom and share the same hygienic values which one would find in a Bupa hospital. 7:35am The Clangers 7:45am Hi-5 8:20am The Beeps 8:30am Little Princess 8:45am Make Way for Noddy 9:00am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:15am Peppa Pig 9:25am Thomas & Friends 9:40am Titch 9:50am Mio Mao 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00pm Home and Away 1:30pm The Diet Doctors: Top to Toe 2:30pm Russell Grant's Postcards 2:40pm Reasons of the Heart 4:30pm The Last Dance 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:00pm five news 8:15pm The Singing Estate: What Happened Next?

9:00pm Being Ten It seems a nice opportunity for me to regress to that painful year when I reached double figures.

10:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 11:00pm CSI: Miami 12:00am Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 1:00am Arrest and Trial 1:30am Arrest and Trial 1:50am NBA Action 5:05am Motorsport Mundial 5:30am Race and Rally UK 5:55am World Supercross Championship

8:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids Revisited 8:30pm Help! My Dog's as Fat as Me 9:00pm Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 9:30pm The Real Hustle 10:00pm F*** Off I'm Small I’m tall and so the victim of annoying vertically challenged peers. Short man syndrome is irritating as fuck, you can prove yourself all you want but without the aid of growth hormones you’ll always be beneath us. 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm Ideal 12:00am Family Guy 12:20am Family Guy 12:45am F*** Off I'm Small 1:40am Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 2:10am Ideal 2:40am The Real Hustle 3:10am Spendaholics Saved My Life 4:05am F*** Off I'm Small Top 5 Ways to goad a short person: 5) Dangle sweets above their head 4) Put their possesions up high 3) Stand really close to them 2) Tell them you’re giving them growth hormones but actually give them viagra 1) Force them to participate in the high jump at school sportsday

8:00pm Wainwright's Walks 8:30pm All Mod Cons 9:00pm The World 9:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 10:00pm The Day Today 10:30pm The League of Gentlemen 11:00pm Life on Mars 12:00am Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe 12:30am These Young People Revisited 1:30am Wainwright's Walks 2:00am Never Mind the Full Stops 2:30am Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe 3:00am These Young People Revisited 4:00am Wainwright's Walks 4:30am Never Mind the Full Stops................................................. .......................................................... .......................................................... .......................................................... .......................................................... .......................................................... .......................................................... .......................................................... ..........................................

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Mopatop's Shop 7:25am Engie Benjy 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Winx Club 8:25am Transformers Cybertron 8:55am Yu-GiOh! GX 9:25am Biker Mice from Mars 9:55am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:35pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:40pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:25pm Sally Jessy Raphael 6:10pm Judge Judy 7:30pm American Idol 9:30pm American Idol 10:00pm WAGs Boutique 11:00pm The Scorpion King Starring the ‘people’s champion’, The Rock!! 12:55am The Mummy 3:20am ITV Play: Glitterball 5:00am Teleshopping

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am Rowan Atkinson, Bean Machine 9:00am McFly's Boys With Guitars 10:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 11:00am Lemar's Few Good Men 12:00pm Fresh Albums 1:00pm Nothing but... Kings Among Men 2:00pm Rowan Atkinson, Bean Machine 3:00pm Switched 3:30pm One Tree Hill 4:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Scrubs 7:30pm Scrubs 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm The War at Home 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm The OC 11:00pm Get Your Act Together: The Showdown 11:30pm Skins 12:35am Scrubs 1:05am Scrubs 1:35am The War at Home 2:05am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:50am Skins 3:50am Porn: A Family Business 4:20am Get Your Act Together: The Showdown 4:45am One Tree Hill 5:25am Switched

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am My Crazy Life 11:00am Hardeep Does Religion 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm My Big Gay Prom 12:30pm Campyfan 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Muffin the Mule 1:50pm Planed Plant Bach:Peppa Pinc 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 2:15pm Seaside Secrets 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Wedi 3 5:00pm Planed Plant:Joni Trons 5:25pm Planed Plant:Popty Bob Man 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:25pm Tipit 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Taro 9 10:00pm O'r Galon: Mae Gen I Ofn 10:30pm Cowbois ac Injans 11:30pm Selling Houses Abroad 12:30am ER 1:30am Get Your Act Together with Harvey

20% student discount on all pizzas and starters Every second pizza half price Call in store for our take away deals

62 Crwys Road, Cardiff, CF24 4NN

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28 gairrhydd

WEDNESDAY

MARCH.28.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

The Ideal

CBBC: Astro Boy

The Mummy

BBC3 11.00pm

BBC2 8.00am

ITV2 10.00pm

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Don't Get Done, Get Dom 11:00am Escape to the Country 12:00pm To Buy or Not to Buy Buy: 1. Fair trade products. This might be aimed at certain members of my house: EMMA! But you CAN taste the goodness. Honest. 2 Recent albums from Good Shoes, MSTRKRFT, Malcom Middleton, Deerhoof and trillions more. 12:30pm Car Booty 1:15pm Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Diagnosis Murder 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Maya and Miguel I was in Madrid a few years ago and there was a barman called Miguel. He was great. I miss you Miguel.

4:45pm The Likeaballs 5:00pm 50/50 5:30pm The Slammer 6:00pm Blue Peter 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Seaside Rescue 8:30pm Watchdog 9:00pm Holby City 10:00pm The Apprentice 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm The National Lottery Draws 11:40pm High Hopes 12:10am Match of the Day 12:55am Two Weddings and a Bar Mitzvah If anyone would like to invite me to their Bar Mitzah that would be great. But then again I doubt there are many coming of age Jewish boys reading this.

7:00am CBeebies:Fimbles 7:25am The Story Makers 7:35am Balamory 8:00am CBBC:Astro Boy 8:25am Newsround 8:30am Even Stevens 8:50am Batfink 9:00am The Cramp Twins. 9:15am ChuckleVision 9:30am CBeebies:Tommy Zoom 9:40am Numberjacks 10:00am Nina and the Neurons 10:15am Lunar Jim 10:25am Me Too! 10:45am Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies Educating the kiddies about Madams, blue movies...

11:00am In the Night Garden And brothels it would appear. 11:30am Star Trek: The Next Generation 12:15pm The Flying Gardener 12:30pm am.pm Whatever happened to Christina Milian.

Last week I mentioned Craig David and Snoop and now this! UR-BAN! Brap brap! This one’ for Liz. 2:00pm Crawshaw's Watercolour Cruise 2:30pm Working Lunch 3:00pm Making a Meal of It . 3:30pm Escape to the Country Are BBC2 just repeating BBC1’s programmes? YOU’RE BEING CHEATED! 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:45pm Flog It! 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm The Weakest Link 7:00pm Eggheads 7:30pm A Taste of My Life 8:00pm Christine's Garden Christine Hamilton let’s you take a look at her fanny whilst hubby Neil narrates in their SHAMELESS desire to retain their Z list status amongst Daily Mail readers.

8:30pm Match of the Day Live 11:00pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am World

8:00pm Spendaholics Saved My Life Personally I enjoy my spendthrift ways, I mean who says you can’t lead a life of wanton debauchery in Cathays? (it’s the Shoeditch of South Wales dontchaknow) But then again, I’m babbling and potentially lying to fill space. Bov. 9:00pm Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 9:30pm Conning the Conmen 10:00pm My Man Boobs and Me 11:00pm Ideal 11:30pm Sound 12:00am The 34 Stone Teenager: Six Months On 12:55am My Man Boobs and Me 1:55am Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 2:25am Britain's Tallest Men 3:25am American Dad 3:45am American Dad TV Kyle has just POISONED TV Jazz with one of his devil sweets. It was going smoothly and sweets were being pinched a-plenty when DISASTER! What looked like a harmless milk bottle (there weren’t anymore fizzy ones left) IT TASTES LIKE SATAN HAS JUST EJACUCULATED! (Kyle knows what this tastes like)

8:00pm Planet Earth 9:00pm The World Last week TV Ben and Jazz talked about smoking. It’s been said we talk about stuff that could be seen as taboo, inappropriate, or just downright filth. For example, we’ve referenced class A drugs, homosexuality, prostitution, binge drinking, and Tories.

Well would you rather we talk about unicorns and magical rainbows and glittery fairies? Actually, now there’s an idea… 9:30pm All Mod Cons 10:00pm Racism: A History 11:00pm Hotel 11:30pm Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe: Guide To... 12:00am TV's Black Pioneers 1:00am Racism: A History 2:00am Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe: Guide To... 2:30am TV's Black Pioneers See our main secion innit.

Also: Trevor Macdonald, Nat King Cole, Oprah, Gary Coleman, The cast of Desmonds, Science from Big Brother... 3:30am Racism: A History 4:30am The Screen Wipe Guide

20% student discount on all pizzas and starters Every second pizza half price Call in store for our take away deals

Gay To Z C4 11.30am

Tickle, Patch and Friends

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm ITV Lunchtime News 3:00pm Midsomer Murders 4:00pm Daily Cooks 5:00pm Poirot 6:00pm Soapstar Superchef 7:00pm Wales Tonight Dear all (7) readers, apologies for the poor quality and utter absence of the typical wit and humour on this page. I’ve 4 fucking essays about various aspects of English lit. Shit. And then 2 exams to prepare for too.

Bastardwankshitfuck. 6400 words in total. So what I hear you cry? (I know you’re not exclaiming at my essay battle, but we’ll pretend yeah?) and I need to finish reading fucking Middlemarch (John Peck, I still think you’re great though, the book’s just an overly verbose bag of wank) it’s 852 pages long!

And those of you who do ‘proper’ degrees are probably thinking what a moaning tit, what the schmuck are you doing reading this tripe and wasting your precious time? Go work out the square root over the cumulative frequency squared by all aspects of Pythagoras’ theory demonstrated in a histogram.

7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Bill: Dead Men Don't Tell Lies 10:00pm Blue Murder 11:30pm ITV News; Weather 12:00am Harry Hill's TV Burp 12:30am Mel C's Orange

7:00am The Cubeez 7:10am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am My Crazy Life 11:00am Hardeep Does Family 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm Mum's Gone Gay 12:35pm Sex, Lies and Soaps 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Bullwhip 3:00pm Room for Improvement 3:25pm A Place in the Sun 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm The Political Slot 9:00pm Relocation, Relocation I live in Birmingham. It’s great. Seriously, there are many advantages of city living, behind my house we used to have a huge fuck off field, and as my room is at the back too it was really nice for watching sunsets at dusk. Enchanting, and all that sentimental shit saps enjoy. Then they went and built some stupid building on it (it was a school, a special needs one and yes I went there) now I don’t have the same view, its of other stuff, kids running around at playtimes. Shit, that wasn’t meant in a ‘I watch the kids in THAT sort of way’ or anything. I mean I only go home in holiday time, so I don’t see them. Fuck.

10:00pm Grand Designs 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:05am Gordon Ramsay's F Word Fuck.

1:05am The Charlotte Church Show

7:00am Tickle, Patch and Friends 7:25am Franny's Feet 7:35am The Clangers 7:45am Hi-5 Are Hot. 8:20am The Beeps 8:30am Little Princess 8:45am Make Way for Noddy That’s almost a threat isn’t it Noddy? Is someone after an ASBO or something?

9:00am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:15am Peppa Pig 9:25am Thomas & Friends 9:40am Titch 9:50am Mio Mao 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00pm Home and Away 1:30pm The Diet Doctors Inside and Out 2:30pm External Affairs As if I’m EVER going to talk about anything remotely related to TV? Instead, I’m currently contemplating whether to fanny off downstairs to the shop and buy either Plan B or Artrocker magazines? A can of diet coke? Compliments free pizza very well I find or just ignore everyone around me, plug in my Walkman and listen to either Blood Brothers or Death Sentence: PANDA! Very loudly and scare all. 4:30pm Columbo: Uneasy Lies the Crown 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Lemur Island 9:00pm Child in a Million 10:00pm The Dead Pool 11:50pm Disorderly Conduct 12:50am PartyPoker.com European Open III 2:20am NHL Ice Hockey 4:30am Football Argentina 6:10am A1 Grand Prix

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Mopatop's Shop 7:25am Engie Benjy 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Winx Club 8:25am Transformers Cybertron 8:55am Yu-GiOh! GX 9:25am Biker Mice from Mars 9:55am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:20am The Oprah Winfrey Show 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:35pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:40pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:30pm Sally Jessy Raphael 6:15pm Airline USA 6:45pm Judge Judy 8:00pm Smallville 9:00pm Builders from Hell 10:00pm The Mummy 12:25am Coronation Street 12:55am The Mummy Returns 3:25am Comedy Cuts 3:55am ITV Play: Glitterball 5:00am Teleshopping

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am Carmen Electra's Music Selector 9:00am McFly's Boys With Guitars 10:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 11:00am Lemar's Few Good Men 12:00pm Fresh Stuff 1:00pm Nothing but... Nearly Naked Boys 2:00pm Carmen Electra's Music Selector 3:00pm Switched 3:30pm One Tree Hill 4:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Scrubs 7:30pm Scrubs 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm The War at Home 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm Ugly Betty 11:00pm Miss Match 12:00am Desperate Housewives 1:00am Scrubs 1:30am Scrubs 1:55am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:50am Miss Match 3:35am One Tree Hill 4:15am The War at Home 4:35am Desperate Housewives 5:20am Switched 5:40am Switched 6:05am Switched 6:25am Switched

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am My Big Gay Prom 11:00am My Crazy Life 11:30am Hardeep Does ... 12:00pm Gay to Z 12:30pm Bobinogi 12:45pm Bobinogi 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Muffin the Mule 1:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Bobinogi 1:55pm Planed Plant Bach:Gel a FFion 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Falmai y Fuwch 2:15pm Seaside Secrets 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Wedi 3 5:00pm Planed Plant (4.005.00):Tair Slic 5:25pm Planed Plant (4.00-5.00):Ceidwad Y Ddraig 5:50pm Planed Plant (4.00-5.00):Ffeil 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Rownd a Rownd 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Byd o Liw 10:00pm Sioe Gelf 10:30pm Relocation, Relocation 11:30pm Y

five 7.00am

62 Crwys Road, Cardiff, CF24 4NN

02920 229977

gairrhydd

29

THURSDAY

MARCH.29.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

Everybody Hates Chris five 7.30pm

Everybody Hates Chris five 7.30pm

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Don't Get Done, Get Dom 11:00am Escape to the Country 12:00pm To Buy or Not to Buy 12:30pm Car Booty 1:15pm Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Diagnosis Murder 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Maya and Miguel 4:45pm The Likeaballs 5:00pm 50/50 5:30pm The Slammer 6:00pm Blue Peter 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Mission Africa 8:30pm EastEnders 9:00pm Waterloo Road 10:00pm Hotel Babylon 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Question Time 12:35am This Week This week, I have mostly been playing GTA: Liberty City Stories and eating 69p Brie from LIDL. I find that nothing quite accompanies a bout of virtual ultra-violence like French soft cheese. I tried playing with Cheddar but it wasn’t the same. Which is a shame, because I prefer Cheddar...

1:20am World Swimming Championships 2:25am Sign Zone:Panorama 2:55am Sign Zone:Blair: The Inside Story 3:55am Sign Zone:Moira Stuart In Search of Wilberforce 4:55am Sign Zone:Sleep Clinic 5:25am Joins BBC News 24 6:00am Cricket World Cup Highlights

7:00am CBeebies:Fimbles 7:25am The Story Makers 7:35am Balamory 8:00am CBBC:Astro Boy 8:25am Newsround 8:30am Even Stevens 8:50am Batfink 9:00am The Cramp Twins 9:15am ChuckleVision 9:30am CBeebies:Tommy Zoom 9:40am Numberjacks 10:00am Nina and the Neurons 10:15am Lunar Jim 10:25am Me Too! 10:45am Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies 11:00am In the Night Garden 11:30am Schools:Look and Read 11:50am Primary Geography: Using the Land 12:00pm Primary Geography: Using the Land 12:10pm English Express 12:40pm Seasonal Snapshots 1:00pm The Daily Politics 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Animal Park 2:30pm Making a Meal of It 3:00pm Escape to the Country 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:45pm Flog It! 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm The Weakest Link 7:00pm Eggheads 7:30pm A Taste of My Life 8:00pm The Burberry Story 8:30pm Tales from the National Library 9:00pm Hairy Bikers Ride Again 9:30pm It's Not Easy Being Green 10:00pm Fear, Stress and Anger 10:30pm Dead Ringers 11:00pm The Graham Norton Show 11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am Desi DNA 12:50am Cricket World Cup Highlights 1:50am Joins BBC News 24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize Revision: French 1 5:00am Bitesize: French 2

8:00pm Spendaholics Saved My Life 9:00pm Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 9:30pm Rush Hour 10:00pm F*** Off I'm A Hairy Woman As you can see from this fine example, BBC3 really have mastered the art of subtle television titling. I’m so watching. 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm The Real Hustle 12:00am Conning the Conmen 12:30am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:00am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:30am F*** Off I'm A Hairy Woman 2:30am Castaway: The Last 24 Hours 3:00am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 3:30am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 4:00am The Real Hustle Right, John, this has to be quick because you’ve got to be at work in... argh! - TEN MINUTES? Balls, when did that happen? Ok, just type. Type like you’ve never typed before - only got a little bit more space left to fill! You can do it!! YOU CAN DO IT! Go on son, nearly there, nearly at the end, and that’s it.

8:00pm Sounds of the Sixties 8:10pm The Avengers 9:00pm The World 9:30pm The Waiting Room 10:00pm Roots Remembered 11:30pm Screamers: Storyville 1:00am Roots Remembered 2:30am The Waiting Room 3:00am Screamers: Storyville 4:30am The Waiting Room Well isn’t that a great big fat punch in the cock?

ANOTHER box to fill! And me with only minutes to go before I should be in work - and its BBC4 as well - they never have hardly any telly on. The clock is ticking - think, TV John, think! How can I fill space quickly with high quality content? How about....no, that wouldn’t work...I could...no - what are you thinking, you loon. What if... wait - yes, of course!! John, you bloody great big idea monkey, you! All you have to do is type your thoughts as they enter your head.

You think LOADS, the space will melt away! Oh yes, here comes one now, and I think its a be----

20% student discount on all pizzas and starters Every second pizza half price Call in store for our take away deals

Everybody Hates Chris five 7.30pm

Everybody Hates Chris five 7.30pm

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 3:00pm Midsomer Murders 4:00pm Daily Cooks Fuck cooking, right - all you need is a loaf of bread (it has to be brown, ladies and gents), some butter, a knife, a toaster/grill, a plate (optional) and MARMALADE. Combine all of the above and you’ve got every meal you’ll ever eat again. It’s sweet, it’s savoury, it’s fibre, it’s fruit, it’s marmalade on toast and it’s fuckin’ delicious is what it is. Paddington Bear knew the score. 5:00pm Poirot 6:00pm Soapstar Superchef 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Great Welsh Roads 9:00pm The Bill: Brotherhood 10:00pm Happy Birthday Elton!

11:30pm ITV News; Weather 12:00am Glyn's Virgin Voters 12:30am Waterfront 1:00am Unsigned 1:30am ITV Play: Make Your Play 5:10am Make Me Perfect 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News I was thinking the other day about how many un-read copies of the paper I see left lying about the place.

In the Union, especially, there are stacks of papers from a couple of issues ago sat slumped and dejected and unfingered. What the fuck is going on? Why aren’t more copies of the paper taken home and fondled by the..

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am Make Me a Grown Up 11:00am Hardeep Does Pets 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm Coming out to Class 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Proud Parents 1:40pm Johnny Come Lately 3:25pm A Place in the Sun 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm The Political Slot 9:00pm A Place in the Sun 9:30pm Chaos at the Chateau 10:00pm Mummy's War 11:00pm Wedding Belles 1:00am The Granton Star Cause 1:45am Red Bull Music Academy: Melbourne 2:20am Once Upon a Time in Iran 3:50am 3 Minute Wonder: War Torn 3:55am Animal Farm 4:55am Do You Want to Live Forever? 6:25am Countdown ..student body? My hat goes off to you, now, reading this. You should be proud of yourself, taking the time to peruse our fantastic student publication. Good on you - there should be more people like you. Hold up your gair rhydd with pride. Now look around. Look at all those wankers with their Heat and their Sun and their celebrity pull-outs.

Doesn’t it make you sick? Now go up to them and hit them in the eye with your shoe. That’ll fuckin’ learn ‘em.

7:00am Tickle, Patch and Friends 7:25am Franny's Feet 7:35am The Clangers 7:45am Hi-5 8:20am The Beeps 8:30am Little Princess 8:45am Make Way for Noddy 9:00am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:15am Peppa Pig 9:25am Thomas & Friends 9:40am Titch 9:50am Mio Mao 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00pm Home and Away 1:30pm The Diet Doctors Inside and Out 2:30pm Russell Grant's Postcards I hate this programme. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the actual show that gets on my tits - I can’t admit to ever seeing it nor is it the fact that Russell Grant is still inexplicably being allowed to present television shows. All it is, right, is that when I read the title, quickly, I thought it said Russell Brand’s Postcards. And I fucking abhor Russell Brand. And now I am thinking of his big face and loud hair and all his shit and it makes me angry. 2:45pm Submarine Command 4:25pm five news update 4:30pm Evel Knievel 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:00pm five news 8:15pm How Not to Decorate 9:00pm Ann Maurice: Interior Rivalry 10:00pm House 11:00pm Shark 12:00am CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 1:00am Football Night 2:00am French Football 2:50am Football Argentina 5:10am Fight of

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Mopatop's Shop 7:25am Engie Benjy 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Winx Club 8:25am Transformers Cybertron 8:55am Yu-GiOh! GX 9:25am Biker Mice from Mars 9:55am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:20am The Oprah Winfrey Show 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:35pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:40pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:25pm Sally Jessy Raphael 6:15pm Airline USA 6:45pm Judge Judy 8:00pm Smallville 9:00pm WAGs Boutique 10:00pm The Mummy Returns 12:30am Supernatural 1:30am Comedy Cuts 2:00am Life 4:00am Make Your Play 5:00am Teleshopping

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am Sienna Miller Has the X Factor 9:00am McFly's Boys With Guitars 10:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 11:00am Lemar's Few Good Men 12:00pm Fresh Gigs 1:00pm Nothing but... Chaps Who Rap 2:00pm Sienna Miller Has the X Factor 3:05pm Switched 3:35pm One Tree Hill 4:35pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Scrubs 7:30pm Scrubs 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm The War at Home 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm ER 11:00pm Sex in Court 11:30pm She's All That 1:25am Scrubs 1:55am Scrubs 2:20am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 3:15am Sex in Court 3:40am Switched 4:00am The War at Home 4:25am Porn: A Family Business 4:50am One Tree Hill 5:35am Switched 5:55am Switched 6:20am Switched

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 9:55am Mum's Gone Gay 10:30am Sex, Lies and Soaps 10:55am Preachers to Be 11:45am Hardeep Does ... 12:10pm Gay to Z 12:35pm Campyfan 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Muffin the Mule 1:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Tomos A'i Ffrindiau 2:05pm Planed Plant Bach:Clwb Cleber 2:15pm Postmodern Pastimes 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Wedi 3 5:00pm Planed Plant 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Bwyd y Tywysogion 10:30pm Bandit 11:00pm Grand Designs 12:00am The Yellow House 1:30am The Sopranos 2:35am Life After Death 3:40am PartyPoker.com Poker Nations Cup 4:35am KOTV Classics

Everybody Hates Chris five 7.30pm

62 Crwys Road, Cardiff,CF24 4NN

02920 229977

30 gairrhydd

FRIDAY

MARCH.30.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

The Vicar of Dibley

See You, See Me

BBC1 10.20pm

BBC2 12.40am

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Don't Get Done, Get Dom 11:00am Escape to the Country 12:00pm To Buy or Not to Buy 12:30pm Car Booty 1:15pm Cash in the Attic All that seems to be in my attic are old clothes and lego .2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Diagnosis Murder 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Maya and Miguel 4:45pm The Likeaballs 5:00pm 50/50 5:30pm The Underdog Show on CBBC 6:00pm Gina's Laughing Gear 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm A Question of Sport 8:30pm Real Story: What Happened Next?

9:00pm EastEnders 9:30pm Weakest Link: Dr Who Special 10:20pm The Vicar of Dibley 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 12:35am Cricket World Cup Highlights 1:35am The Cat and the Canary 3:15am Joins BBC News 24 6:00am Cricket World Cup Highlights The BEST thing ever just happened on the way up to the office today. Some people advertising not killing yourself are giving out free microwaveble burgers! AMAZING. Yes, readers, my life really is that eventful that I can get giddy over free stuff.

7:00am CBeebies:Fimbles 7:25am The Story Makers 7:35am Balamory 8:00am CBBC:Astro Boy 8:25am Newsround 8:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 8:45am The Underdogs Show on CBBC 9:15am ChuckleVision 9:30am CBeebies:Tommy Zoom 9:40am Numberjacks 10:00am Nina and the Neurons 10:15am Lunar Jim 10:25am Me Too! 10:45am Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies 11:00am In the Night Garden 11:30am Schools:Primary Geography: A Village in Bangladesh 11:40am Primary Geography: A Village in Bangladesh 11:50am Primary Geography: A Village in Bangladesh 12:00pm Primary Geography: A Village in Bangladesh 12:10pm Primary Geography: A Village in Bangladesh 12:20pm Primary Geography: A Village in Bangladesh 12:30pm Primary Geography: Using the Land 12:40pm See You, See Me 1:00pm The Daily Politics 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:30pm Making a Meal of It 3:00pm Escape to the Country 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:45pm Flog It! 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm The Weakest Link 7:00pm Eggheads 7:30pm A Taste of My Life 8:00pm Get Your Life In Order!

8:30pm A New Year at Kew 9:00pm Christine's Garden 9:30pm Gardeners' World 10:00pm Anatomy of a Crime: Conspiracy to Murder 11:00pm Have I Got Old News for You

8:00pm Doctor Who 9:00pm Freaky Eaters 10:00pm Football Gaffes Galore 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12:00am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12:35am Jonathan Ross's Japanorama 1:05am Ideal 1:35am Family Guy 1:55am Family Guy 2:20am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 2:50am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 3:20am Freaky Eaters Speaking of freaky eaters, I’ve just finished eating my free Rustler’s microwaveable flame grilled chicken sandwich, sans microwave. Suprisingly not as repulsive as one would expect, and I certainly proved TV Kyle wrong, who suggested it wasn’t possible. However, I’m sure that he will be proved correct later tonight when I’m bent double over the toilet bowl yakking my guts up. However, for the time being, I win, and he is the loser. Also, BBC 3 please put on more TV because there is too much space.

8:00pm Haydn: String Quartet in G Major, Opus 54, 1 8:30pm Haydn: String Quartet in C Major, Opus 54, 2 9:00pm The World 9:30pm Sounds of the Sixties 10:00pm Originals: Hawkwind - Do Not Panic 11:00pm New Horizons: The Alternative Society 11:30pm Never Mind the Full Stops 12:00am The Avengers 12:50am Originals: Hawkwind - Do Not Panic 1:50am Roots Remembered I remembered a root once, but then I forgot it.

Oh well, no great loss, it wasn’t an amazing root to start off with, I don’t think. 3:20am Never Mind the Full Stops 3:50am Originals: Hawkwind Do Not Panic FACT: Lemmy from Motorhead used to be in Hawkwind.

FACT: This programme is shit. FACT: Hawkwind are also shit. FACT: I am hungover. FACT: Metros is a big sweaty bag of balls, and I hate the whole concept of Metros.

FACT: The bald bouncer at Metros is a cunt.

20% student discount on all pizzas and starters Every second pizza half price Call in store for our take away deals

Loose Women

Balls Of Steel

Hidden Places

ITV1 1.30pm

C4 11.50pm

five 4.40pm

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am Entertainment Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning I woke up on TV Kyle’s floor and then put my shoes on, went back to my room and passed out for 4 hours. 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 3:00pm Midsomer Murders 4:00pm Daily Cooks 5:00pm Poirot 6:00pm Soapstar Superchef 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm Britain's Unluckiest Homes: Tonight 9:30pm A Touch of Frost 11:30pm ITV News; Weather 12:00am WAGs Boutique 1:00am ITV Play: Make Your Play 5:10am 60 Minute Makeover 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News Last night I ended up in the arsehole of Cardiff that is Metros. It’s never a good omen for a night out if the main incentive for going is that ‘it’ll be funny.’ Well it wasn’t, and following an altercation with a bouncer I was removed for ‘taking the piss.’ Taking the piss? I’ll tell you what’s fucking taking the piss, charging five fucking quid for the privilege of being sweated on by idiots in those awful New Rock boots, and then having the audacity to call the night Cheapskates. Metros, I wish you and all that sail under your banner would fuck off back to whatever dark and damp place that spawned you.

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Frasier 10:30am Make Me a Grown Up Why can’t you wait until puberty like the rest of us, you ingrates? 11:00am Hardeep Does Drinking Ergh, what awful grammar.

You’d not never catch I doing that.11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm Crip on a Trip 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Seaside Secrets 1:45pm Invitation to a Gunfighter Dear Mister Gunfighter, please can you come to my party? It is a dinosaur party and my mum says I can have people to stay over. I hope you can come. Lots of love, TV Marshall xxx 3:25pm A Place in the Sun 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:30pm The Insider 9:00pm The Galaxy British Book Awards 10:00pm Ugly Betty 11:00pm The Charlotte Church Show 11:50pm Balls of Steel 12:35am 4 Music:Transmission With T-Mobile 1:40am South by Southwest Festival 2007 2:30am 4 Music:JD Set Presents: Love Is All 2:45am 4 Music:4Play 3:00am Goalissimo!

4:00am KOTV 4:30am Trans World Sport 5:20am Dispatches: Cameron: Toff at the Top 6:15am Countdown

7:00am Tickle, Patch and Friends 7:25am Franny's Feet 7:40am The Clangers 7:50am Hi-5 8:25am The Beeps 8:35am Little Princess 8:45am Make Way for Noddy 9:00am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:15am Peppa Pig 9:25am Thomas & Friends 9:40am Titch 9:50am Mio Mao 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00pm Home and Away 1:30pm The Diet Doctors Inside and Out 2:30pm Russell Grant's Postcards 2:40pm Two Mothers for Zachary 4:40pm Hidden Places 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 8:00pm five news 8:30pm Gordon Brown Meets the TenYear-Olds 9:00pm The Ten Demandments 10:00pm I Blame the Spice Girls: The Monster Quiz of the Decade 11:30pm Most Shocking Celebrity Moments of the Decade Number 6, the time Richard Blackwood ate a live stoat for £4, high on whiteboard eraser fluid.

1:30am Prison Break 2:30am NASCAR Nextel Cup 3:20am World Supercross Grand Prix 4:10am A1 Grand Prix 4:55am Indy Car Series 5:45am NHRA Drag Racing Apparently I know too many cat websites. Why, I hear you ask. Fuck you, that’s why.

There’s no such thing as ‘too many’ cat websites; if anything, TV Kyle doesn’t know enough. As you can see, we take our job here very seriously.

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Mopatop's Shop 7:25am Engie Benjy 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Winx Club 8:25am Transformers Cybertron 8:55am Yu-GiOh! GX 9:25am Biker Mice from Mars 9:55am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 3:35pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:40pm The Ricki Lake Show 5:25pm Sally Jessy Raphael 6:15pm Airline USA 6:45pm Judge Judy 8:00pm Smallville 9:00pm ITV at the Movies 9:30pm American Idol 10:30pm American Idol 11:00pm Sally Morgan: Star Psychic 12:00am Coronation Street 12:30am Life 2:40am Make Your Play 5:00am Teleshopping

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am Kings of Leon and On and On 9:00am McFly's Boys With Guitars 10:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 11:00am Lemar's Few Good Men 12:00pm Fresh Films 1:00pm Nothing but... Bands of Brothers 2:00pm Kings of Leon and On and On 3:00pm Switched 3:30pm One Tree Hill 4:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Scrubs 7:30pm Scrubs 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm The War at Home 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm My Name Is Earl 10:30pm Peep Show 11:00pm Kidnapped 12:40am Scrubs 1:10am Scrubs 1:40am The War at Home 2:10am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 3:00am Switched 3:25am Kidnapped 4:45am One Tree Hill 5:25am Switched 5:45am Switched 6:10am Switched 6:30am Switched

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Freshly Squeezed 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:30am Just Shoot Me 10:00am Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00):Preachers to Be 11:00am Hardeep Does Drinking 11:30am Gay to Z 12:00pm Crip on a Trip 1:00pm News at Noon 1:30pm Planed Plant Bach:Muffin the Mule 1:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Penblwydd Pwy 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pentre Bach 2:15pm 3 Minute Wonder: Best of FourDocs 2:20pm Supporting Acts 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Wedi 3 5:00pm Planed Plant:Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 5:25pm Planed Plant:Teledu Eddie 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm Richard and Judy 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Uned 5 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm O'r Sioe 11:00pm Cwpan Heineken 12:00am The Charlotte Church Show 12:50am Ugly Betty

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SUNDAY

APRIL.01.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

BBC1 2.50pm

Most Hated Family in America BBC2 10.00pm

7:00am Breakfast 8:35am Match of the Day 10:00am Sunday AM 11:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford 12:00pm Countryfile 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:05pm Cash in the Attic 1:50pm 'Allo 'Allo!

2:20pm Keeping Up Appearances 2:50pm Diagnosis Murder 3:35pm EastEnders 5:25pm Sherlock Holmes and the Baker Street Irregulars 6:25pm Star Portraits with Rolf Harris Avoid this at all costs. Keep the above picture in mind, and instead tune into to ITV1 for the aesthetically pleasing evening viewing that is Whatever Happened To Gareth Gates? It’s a completely valid question that begs the response: “Do I give a flying shitfuck?”

6:55pm Points of View 7:10pm Songs of Praise 7:45pm Antiques Roadshow 8:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 9:00pm Play it Again 10:00pm Castaway 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:20pm Extras 11:50pm 3lbs 12:30am The Sky at Night 1:00am Cricket World Cup Highlights 2:05am Sign Zone:Holby City 3:05am Sign Zone:Antiques Roadshow 3:55am Sign Zone:Bill's Food 4:20am Joins BBC News 24 6:00am Cricket World Cup Highlights This week we’ve been asking the following questions: if you were running for the student elections, what would your campaign be?

Does anybody really want 40p off a Rustlers burger? Probably fucking not.

7:00am CBeebies:Teletubbies 7:30am Balamory 7:50am Step Inside 8:00am CBBC:Batfink 8:10am Legend of the Dragon 8:30am Smile 11:00am Something for the Weekend 12:30pm Hong Kong Rugby Sevens 1:30pm Cycling: World Track Championships 2:45pm World Swimming Championships 3:30pm Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5:30pm Cycling: World Track Championships 6:15pm As BBC2 6:45pm Cycling: World Track Championships 7:10pm Natural World 8:00pm Wild Dive: Channel Islands 8:10pm Meerkat Manor 8:35pm Meerkat Manor 9:00pm The Best of Top Gear Apparently, according to some egotistical gair rhydd shaped males, Richard Hammond’s unfortunate accident last year was all a cynical marketing ploy that got him a 2 week long nap, and a reputation as Britain’s most lovable TV presenter for being a shit driver.

According to me, they’re all twats.

10:00pm Louis Theroux: The Most Hated Family in America 11:00pm As BBC2 3:35am I Got the Hook Up Standard “Who Would Win In A Fight?!”, that has now become a weekly phenomenon: a bag of angry rats versus Gandhi on crystal meth? A ghost versus an angel? A seal with a chainsaw versus a chimp with a wheelbarrow? Two kittens stuck in a welly versus a hundred butterflies? The chimp would pound them all.

7:00am The Sunday Programme 8:25am Yin Yang Yo! 8:50am Totally Spies! 9:15am Power Rangers Mystic Force 10:10am SpongeBob SquarePants 10:55am CITV:Curious George 11:10am CITV:Pocoyo 11:15am CITV:Jim Jam and Sunny 11:30am Soccer Sunday 12:30pm The Sunday Edition with Andrew Rawnsley and Andrea Catherwood 1:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 1:35pm American Idol 2:35pm American Idol 3:05pm Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure 4:40pm The 'Burbs 6:30pm Whatever Happened to Gareth Gates? He lost a pop contest, got to number 1 with a shit pop cover, then consequently fell into Jordan’s cavenous vagina for two months. He finally managed to forge an escape committee alongside Dwight Yorke and Peter Andre, resurfacing to discover that the bitch had written a whole chapter on stealing the poor twat’s virginity.

7:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 7:45pm ITV News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Royal 10:00pm Persuasion 12:00am ITV News; Weather 12:15am Michael Nicholson: Back to the Falklands 1:20am The Moral of the Story 1:50am British Touring Cars Championship 2:15am ITV Play: Glitterball 5:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News

7:05am The Hoobs 7:30am Trans World Sport 8:25am Velux 5 Oceans Ultimate Solo Challenge 8:55am World Cup Skiing 9:50am T4:Popworld 10:35am T4:Hollyoaks Omnibus 1:15pm T4:Shipwrecked 2007: The Hut Cam Diaries 1:50pm T4:Musicool 2:50pm T4:Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll Requirements: no talent, have fanny frequently hanging out, have transvestite tendencies and collaborate with over the hill rap stars excluding S to the nizzle Dizzle. Recruiting now.

3:55pm T4:The OC 4:55pm T4:Ugly Betty 5:55pm Deal or No Deal 6:45pm Time Team 7:40pm Shipwrecked 2007: Battle of the Islands 8:40pm Channel 4 News 9:00pm Celebrity Wife Swap What would happen if you swapped these supercouples: Pete Doherty and Kate Moss with Richard and Judy? Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt with Jordan and Peter Andre? Mary and Joseph with Mohammed and his bird? I DO NOT CONDONE PAEDOPHILIA. But. We’ve agreed that the main cause of it is sexy kids.

10:00pm Dark Roots: The Anna Nicole Smith Story 11:00pm Austin Powers in Goldmember 12:45am Robbie Williams Shorts 12:50am Wedding Belles 2:50am Honeymoon 3:25am Fat Beauty Contest 4:25am The Medici: Godfathers of the Renaissance

7:00am Tickle, Patch and Friends 7:25am Franny's Feet 7:40am Sailor Sid 7:45am The Clangers 7:55am Franklin 8:20am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 8:30am Little Princess 8:45am Make Way for Noddy 9:05am Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:20am Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:35am Rupert Bear 9:50am Rupert Bear 10:00am Ebb and Flo 10:05am Peppa Pig 10:15am Fifi and the Flowertots 10:30am Jane and the Dragon 11:00am Property Developing Abroad 12:00pm Build a New Life in the Country 1:00pm Divine Designs 1:30pm five news update 1:40pm The Mouse That Roared 3:15pm The War of the Worlds 4:50pm Genghis Khan 7:10pm five news and sport 7:20pm George of the Jungle TV Ben unwittingly revealed a dark and secret desire when he exclaimed “Write about that!!! Brendan Fraser is HOTTT!!!” TV Guy’s birthday present is a Tarzan costume.

9:00pm Grey's Anatomy 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy 11:00pm A Nightmare on Elm Street 12:55am NCAA College Basketball 1:40am Major League Baseball 5:15am 101 Greatest Knockouts Jade Goody tops the list. Trailing behind is Michael Jackson, Pete Burns and Abi Titmuss. 5:45am Boxing Classic 6:35am Motorsport Mundial We still can’t shake off the chimp with a wheelbarrow and the seal brandishing a chainsaw images. Set it up for us?

8:00pm Doctor Who 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 10:00pm How Young Can I Get? 11:00pm Castaway Exposed 11:55pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12:30am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:00am How Young Can I Get? 1:55am Torchwood 2:45am Football Gaffes Galore 3:40am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 4:10am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps FOUND: bus pass on floor of Metros in pool of vomit/sweat. It is an adult multi-rider and has a few dates on it. The owner is female, short brown hair, goes by the name “S. Batty.” Apparently. Or, as Kyle suggests, has excellent sense of humour when applying for Cardiff bus passes. If you know the girl in question, please contact the TV Desk asap, as we wish to meet this girl and reunite her with the missing artifact.

Also, we want to ask her what the fuck she was doing in Metros in the first..

8:00pm War Stories 10:00pm How to be Science Fiction Queue up at 12am to buy the new PlayStation console, play Warhammer and e-date. 11:00pm Mark Lawson Talks to Nicholas Craig 12:00am Roots Remembered 1:30am Mark Lawson Talks to Nicholas Craig 2:30am Cooking in the Danger Zone Gordon Ramsay escorts a team of trainee chefs to various hotspots in Baghdad to assess how they cook under pressure. Involves strong use of language, some moderate decapitation, and some scenes of a sexual nature.

3:00am The Waiting Room 3:30am Living with the Future 4:00am Mark Lawson Talks to Nicholas Craig ..place. What we were all doing there on a Wednesday night, when Welsh Club is quite CLEARLY and OBVIOUSLY better, I do not wish to go into. But we are in possession of a Batty Bus Pass if anybody wants to claim it.

7:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:25am Fun Song Factory 7:35am Mopatop's Shop 7:45am Engie Benjy 7:55am Pocoyo 8:15am Fun Song Factory 8:25am The Sunday Programme 9:55am Teleshopping 10:25am Planet's Funniest Animals Hitler cats, flying dogs and chimps with wheelbarrows.

10:55am Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11:55am Harry Hill's TV Burp 12:25pm Back to the Future 2:40pm Emmerdale Omnibus 5:30pm Coronation Street Omnibus 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm American Idol 9:30pm American Idol 10:00pm Supernatural 11:00pm The Bourne Identity ITV2 is showing something good! Super! Matt Damon is rad.

1:15am Coronation Street 1:45am Melanie C's Orange Playlist 2:15am ITV Play: Glitterball 5:00am Teleshopping

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am E4 Music's A List 10:00am Our Showbiz Mates 11:00am Sophie Ellis Bextor's Mix Tape 3:10pm Popworld 4:00pm Young, Sexy and...

Royal 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Switched Up! 7:00pm The OC 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Ugly Betty 10:00pm Celebrity Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm ER 11:30pm Desperate Housewives 12:30am Porn: A Family Business 1:05am Porn: A Family Business 1:40am My Name Is Earl 2:10am Celebrity Wife Swap: The Aftermath 2:40am Porn: A Family Business 3:10am Porn: A Family Business 3:40am Switched Up! 4:25am Young, Sexy and... Royal 5:05am Popworld 5:50am Switched 6:10am Switched 6:35am Switched Isn’t Porn: A Family Business condoning incest? Clue’s in the title. TV Guy is currently starring in an episode.

7:05am The Hoobs 7:30am Trans World Sport 8:25am Velux 5 Oceans Ultimate Solo Challenge 8:55am World Cup Skiing 9:50am Amy Winehouse: Video Exclusive 9:55am Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:25pm Shipwrecked 2007: Battle of the Islands 1:30pm Yr Wythnos 2:00pm Maniffesto 2:30pm Rownd a Rownd 3:00pm Rownd a Rownd 3:30pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 5:30pm Byd o Liw 6:00pm Newyddion 6:05pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 8:00pm Cwpan Heineken 9:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9:30pm Cefn Gwlad 10:00pm Tipyn O Stad 10:45pm Saith Gair Olaf Crist 11:00pm Newyddion 11:15pm Cor Cymru 12:30am Kidnapped 2:05am The Business 3:40am I Speak Animal 4:05am 4 Music:South by Southwest Festival 2007 4:45am The Insider This week I refrained from lists, hooray me. I hope you have enjoyed your week of telly and student politics. Bonsoir and that.

Diagnosis Murder

20% student discount on all pizzas and starters Every second pizza half price Call in store for our take away deals

Persuasion ITV1 10.00pm

101 Greatest Knockouts five 5.15am

Fat Beauty Contest Channel 4 3.25am

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PROBLEM PAGE

MARCH.26.2007 PROBLEMPAGE@gairrhydd.COM

The de Ville’s Advocate This Week: I feel it in my fingers. And my toes.

TV CLINIC I was intensely privileged to experience a small sliver of ITV’s primetime drama pie t’other day. Mobile explored the chilling impact of a mobile telephone user’s mobile telephone use. It sent him a little bit mad. Gripping stuff. Just in case the big beasties at ITV run out of ideas, here’s a few that I’m sending to the commissioning editor:

A Touch of Fear David Jason single-handedly combats asylum seekers who have stormed St. Paul’s Cathedral and taken the clergy hostage. The priest pleads with these barbarians to stop their attack on the very fabric of Britain but they kick him in the face and steal all the pews to use for firewood to burn all the passports in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD on a big bonfire.

Where the Goat is Brenda (Sarah Lancashire) wakes up one morning to find that she is possessed by the spirit of an angry goat who seeks to avenge his murder and settle the score for goatkind. Her struggle to break free from the unworldly grip of the incensed farm animal ruins her marriage to Rod (Nigel Havers) and she finds herself slowly falling in love with her dead captor, like the WORST kind of bestial, paranormal Stockholm Syndrome.

Animalevolence Dear Grace, I’m being stalked by animals. I feel like they’re plotting against me and it’s only a matter of time before they attack. It all started when I went outside to see if my washing was dry. My pants were still a little damp, so I decided to sit in the sunshine for a while and watch them desiccate before my eyes. A small black rabbit hopped into the garden and proceeded to stare me out. I found it rather endearing, so gave the hapless rodent the kind of smile I usually reserve for frail pensioners or bouncers. It then bared its teeth and emitted what can only be described as a small growl. To me, this was the animal equivalent of a onefingered salute and I ran back into the house, unable to see through the film of tears that had flooded my piggy eyes.

Later that day I encountered a pigeon struggling to navigate itself down a steep flight of steps. I deduced from the rotten flesh on its left leg that it was suffering from an avian malady, so therefore attempted

Retired postman Kevin Whatley fears for his own life after he gets stuck in a lift with a manic fundamentalist hell bent on bombing the Royal Mail. The former postie strikes up a relationship with the madman, which forces him to question his own feelings towards the postal courier and the rift with his mother that has plagued his waking thoughts since he was fourteen.

Emma Dale Private investigator Emma (Jesse Wallace) falls head over heels in love with her client (Martin Clunes) but has to solve his case before they can unite. Cue hilarious exploits and an attempt to engineer a situation where his wife is caught getting knobbed by the window cleaner.

strange forces against me and I need to know how to combat this terrifying plague. For the love of God, please help me! I’m scared to leave the house.

Kenneth Davis.

Dear Kenny, I’m afraid these matters are beyond my limited expertise.

Here are some useful contacts: Ben Fogle’s agent: hilary@arlington-enterprises.co.uk (The unfortunate injunction forbids me from any direct contact) Trude Mostue’s agent: hilar y@hkmanagement.co.uk It’s apparent that all agents are called Hilary) Michaela Strachan: You can only contact Michaela on the extra day in a leap year. She meets all her fans at a location known only to the iguanas at London Zoo, who are interrogated once every four years until they spill the beans. Last time a few diehard fans met with her at Chessington World of Adventures.

I hope this helps. xxx

Eat your heart out Dear Grace,

You’ve got (Hate) Mail

to ease its pain by carrying it down the steps. The pesky airrat tried to bite my hand off and I ran away screaming like a crazed spaniel on heat.

The worst was yet to come. I was crossing the road near the Pen and Wig when I noticed that a small crowd had gathered on the other side. A car had pulled up and a group of people were standing around the body of squirrel. The driver of the car had apparently swerved to avoid a couple of foolish students and ended up flattening the unwitting beast.

I reached out and prodded it to check if it was breathing and found my finger on the receiving end of the shell-shocked squirrel’s vicious bite. The pain was excruciating. I struggled to free myself from its inconceivably firm grip but was forced to stamp on the little bugger until its death released me from the iron jaws. I was then shat on by a Yorkshire Terrier.

What the fuck have I done to deserve this onslaught? I’m a veterinary student for crying out loud. There are some

I’ve recently met an amazing man. He’s kind, considerate and we enjoy the same activities. We’ve spent almost every night together since we met.

Each evening we listen to music, watch comedy DVDs and eat pizza. So what, you may ask, is the problem? Well, we eat pizza ALL night long. It’s not just pizza – it’s chocolate, crisps, chips, Findus crispy pancakes, Cheese Strings and those nasty 9p instant noodles.

I know men are greedy bastards but he’s always trying to get me to follow his gluttonous example. I’ve put on a stone since our first tryst and I can’t see it stopping until I’m lifted out of my bed by a large crane.

Last night he thought it’d be

funny to see how many Cadbury’s fingers he could fit in my rolls of fat. He managed to fit twelve in one culvert. It’s all a bit weird. AND I don’t even like Cheese Strings. How do I politely tell him that I’d like to give the scoffing a rest?

Evangeline.

Dear Evangeline, When one is in the first flushes of a blossoming romance, we often adapt ourselves to suit what we perceive to be the other party’s interests. Many a moon ago, I even pretended to like Pearl Jam in order to establish common ground with a bedfellow. But when he started playing different Led Zeppelin albums every night of the week I knew I

could continue this charade no longer and promptly ended our brief dalliance.

The point I’m trying to make is that your man is clearly a feeder. The word itself conjures up horrific images of bloated cows munching genetically modified wheatgerm from a rusty metal chute while listening to offensively mild Welsh jizz-rock. You clearly don’t enjoy the act of overstuffing your gullet with mass-produced junk food, so why do it? Do you fear that he won’t be dazzled with your wit unless you’re choking on a battered sausage? Perhaps not.

But you should either toss a Wagon Wheel to decide your future or perhaps introduce lettuce into your repertoire.

Grace xxx

Stop right there. I’ve seen you with your big books and shiny library card twinkling like a beacon of academic prowess in a sea of ignorance and despair. Yes, you know who you are. Can I kindly request that you stop this at once before you make my paltry attempts at reading seem redundant. Thanks. Have a good holiday. Grace xxx

gairrhydd

SUDOKU 3

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HOW TO PLAY SUDOKU: Fill in the numbers. This week is elementary level as I know how many brain cells have been destroyed by this point of the year. Thats the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it, uh huh, uh huh.

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Ming Campbell Whats your tipple, Horlicks or a mug of hot chocloate?

Well, I probably should’t say anything after what happened to Charles, but what I usually do is get tipsy on sherry during the day, then about 9:30pm I hit the Mojito’s at the local, till I pass out and one of my aides/carers carries me home.

Thanks Ming, good luck becoming leader of the UK.

ence.

What is Q's full name? a) Mr Quisling b) Quentin Brocklehurst-Smyth c) Major Boothroyd d) Captain Ditherer

A quiz to exercise your brain

Every man and his duck thinks they know about Bond. Put your ego to the test...

Why was Ursula Andress offered her role in Dr No? a) Because the producers saw a picture of her in a wet T-shirt competition b) Because she was married to the assistant director c) Because the casting director had been impressed by her performance as Lady Macbeth at Stratford Playhouse d) Because she had previous snorkelling experi-

What did Bond study at university? a) Woodwork at Banbury technical college b) Oriental Languages at Cambridge c) Pure Maths at Oxford d) Land management at Oxford Poly What merchandising request did the producers deny? a)James Bond condoms b)James Bond chest wigs c)James Bond ready mixed vodka martinis d)James Bond automatic pistols

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Fairly made up interviews...

Gavin Henson So Gav, what inspires your performance?

I had a budgie, called Trevor, who was involved in a tradgic incident with a food processer when I was 7.

Thats a burden I still carry and I find rugby is a good release. I use that anger to drive me on the pitch.

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board?

Mostly about Des, and the things that I want to do to him. He doesn’t know anything but I’ve been dropping some hints and I’m planning a move at the next office party.

Answers - a,c,b,a

MINGELACTOSE@gairrhydd.COM

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ACROSS 1 Nosy, curious (11) 9 Physically inflexible (5) 10 German river (5) 11 Head of corn (3) 12 Say (5) 13 Mild (weather) (7) 15 School period (6) 17 Beethoven’s first name (6) 20 First course (7) 23 Unspoken (5) 25 French word for ‘yes’ (3) 26 Deadly snake (5) 27 Feel about (5) 28 Absorbing (11)

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FIVE MINUTE FUN

MARCH.26.2007

DOWN 2 Dark period (5) 3 Suffer (7) 4 Look (for) (6) 5 Abrupt (5) 6 Sound made when speaking (5) 7 Causing difficulty (11) 8 Social gathering (3-8) 14 Halfway between (3) 16 Knight’s title (3) 18 Tense, irritable (7) 19 Beach wall (6) 21 Office paperwork (5) 22 Find (5) 24 Jester (5)

Super skills

Did the cross roads and the state of student democracy dissovle your soul and give you kidney pains? Last week Stephen Fry, legend, this week, Huw Edwards, possibly the only person who did less than you to earn his Cardiff degree.

Exhibit no. 212 Mr. Wales

gairrhydd

37

GRAB!

MARCH.26.2007 COMPETITIONS@gairrhydd.COM

! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN

Paint the town red T-Shirts that rock!

W A hat’s Spanish for ‘Please, no more – I’m covered in enough tomato juice already!’ Don’t know, but always fancied learning another language. Or maybe you feel like you should actually be fluent in Spanish as you claim on your CV, despite not speaking a word since GCSE. Earworms and gair rhydd have come together to offer you the holiday of a lifetime. By entering the Earworms competition you could be in with a chance of winning a trip for two to the world famous La Tomatina ‘festival’ (err, food fight. Maybe you could practise your Spanish for ‘Gotcha’).

So do you fancy a break? Go on, you deserve it! Just give us the answer to the simple question below and you and a friend could be joining in the fun this summer at the Festival La Tomatina on August 29 with music, parades, dancing, fireworks and of course the world’s biggest tomato fight! Something a little different for those who couldn’t get Reading tickets and fancy making the most out of their summer bank holiday.

The prize of this great seven-day tour includes three nights accommodation in Valencia, three nights in Barcelona, flights, transfers to the

festival and advice on ducking out of the way of flying tomatoes from your experienced tour guide.

Entering the draw is a little different this week. Just send your answer in an email to tomato@earwormslearning.com.

Make sure you quote gair rhydd so that we, and you, can look brilliant.

Need a clue? The Earworms website www.earwormslearning.com/tomato has more information about the festival, lets you hear some free Earworms samples and a lot more besides.

Runners-up will win an Earworms language-learning course of their choice.

Just tell us which of these big Spanish cities is the nearest to La Tomatina? The closing date for the competition is June 29 2007.

A. Barcelona B. Madrid C. Valencia

s the sun begins to shine and I see more and more people braving the crisp air and embracing the t-shirt, shorts and flip flop combo on their trek to lectures, I feel it’s appropriate again to let you guys have the chance of winning some rocking tees.

If you’re after something a little bit different and individual, there really is nowhere better to go than djtees.com. DJTees is an amazing wesite. If you want a t-shirt with almost any musician from the last 40 years on, these are the people to go to. They have unique designs of everyone from Hendrix to Nick Drake, from Jack White to Bob Dylan.

Run by two talented designers for over four years now, DJTees was called “A cavalcade of Cultural Heroism” by the Guardian. Which is a posh way of saying it’s really, really good.

Every design is a DJTees original and there are nearly 1,000 designs now. Amazingly, they come in up to eight colour combination and all sizes up to 5xl. Why doesn’t everyone offer so much choice? But it doesn’t stop there, they’ve actually remembered women love rock ‘n’ roll as well!

So you can get every design on

into action at the Wales Millennium Centre

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aekwon-do supremos launch into WMC to perform a hilarious, madcap family show this April with Jump, a slapstick, martial arts comedy full of karate chopping, head-banging and skilful sword fighting - just don’t try any of the moves at home!

Showing at WMC from April 24 28, Jump is described as Jackie Chan meets The Waltons and is quite unlike anything else you’ll see on the theatre stage at the moment. A blend of jawdropping acrobatics with wonderful physiques, the performers offer an Olympic display of skill as they spin and fly over the stage while intermittently trying to walk up walls.

Since 2005, the show has made over 1,000 performances, touring internationally to festivals. It is the world’s first stage show to mix martial arts with comedy and acrobatics.

The show is perfect, according to one reviewer, ”for lovers of martial arts movies and slapstick comedy think of the awesome fight sequences from The Matrix, but done by the Marx Brothers - you’ll be gasping in awe one minute and belly laughing the next. When I saw this show in Edinburgh my mascara ran down my face from laughing so hard.”

The popularity of martial arts come-

dy has grown since the early 1990s thanks to Asian action film stars such as Jackie Chan and Jet Li. Their efforts have sparked a trend in bigbudget films featuring and referencing martial arts, from Chan's Rush Hour series, to Tarantino’s Kill Bill. Jump in turn plays affectionately with such references and more besides, ranging from 70s TV show Monkey to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Taekwon-do became an official Olympic sport in 2000. Originating in Korea, Taekwon-do is loosely translated as ‘the art of kicking and punching’, or ‘the way of the foot and fist’.

Physically, it concentrates mainly on strikes with the feet and hands. At its inception, it was designed by the Koreans to fight against invading Japanese Samurai and to this day it retains characteristics reminiscent of its origins.

It is said to “bring self-strength, self-knowledge, self-confidence and self-control”. It reaches toward ‘ki’, the development of a total being capable of meeting any challenge with calm and success. It is considered one of the most systematic and scientific Korean traditional martial arts, which teaches more than physical fighting skills. It is seen as a discipline that shows ways of enhancing the spirit

and life through training the body and mind.

After sell-out runs at Edinburgh Festival and the Peacock Theatre in London last year, as well as the highlight of the 2006 Royal Variety Performance, Jump adds up to an unmissable evening of entertainment for all to enjoy.

The show is based on an extraordinary Korean family, whose chaotic home is disturbed by burglars.

Perfectly timed slapstick comedy and impressive acrobatics and Taekwon-do moves ensue as the family fight to rid themselves of their unwelcome guests.

This extravaganza of fists, feet and fun will entertain all ages with its hilarious, spectacular acrobatics.

To win one of two pairs of tickets for the show on Tuesday April 24, just email the answer to the following question along with your address: Where does Taekwon-do originate from?

A. Korea B. Thailand C. Japan

three sizes of women’s skinny fits in loads of different colours. How cool is that?

In ‘The Word’ section, you’ll also find dozens of great slogan type shirts such as ‘I sold My Soul For Rock ‘n’ Roll’ and ‘Little Miss Rock ‘n’ Roll.’

They’ve also just started a section for comic movies so you can have your favourite movie star plastered across your chest. Or maybe a bit of a patriotism is more you’re thing - they now have tShirts for cities and countries.

DJTees are efficient, professional, friendly and somehow very hip without trying very hard. Go get yourself a great t-shirt and buy a couple of birthday presents while you’re there from this top notch tshirt company. www.djtees.com - tshirts That Rock!

DJ-Tee have offered the chance for ttwo of you lucky folks to win a cool t-shirt from their extensive collection. You will be looking too cool for school in next to no time!

Want a fantastic t-shirt from DJTees? There are two up for grabs so just e-mail us the answer to the following question: What heavy metal band tshirt does Butt-head, from Beavis and Butt-head, famously wear? a. Iron Maiden b. AC/DC c. Black Sabbath Make sure you tell us which t-shirt you have your eye on when you enter..

The Good Life

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s you reach and enter your twenties have you become slightly worried that you're not really a 'good' person?

Are you worried that the legacy you're leaving for future generations amounts to little more than a mountain of debt, a mountain of nonbiodegradable rubbish, and a mountain of thoughts and opinions that add nothing to the advancement of the species?

Lucy Porter is worried about all these things, and more. Can a drinking, gambling, all-round hedonist ever consider herself to be morally good? Can an avid consumer of cheap airfares, pop culture and cheap clothes ever be good to the planet?

The Good Life investigates the theory that it’s important to be a good person as well as a happy one.

Lucy feels she wants to leave a legacy to the world and looks into ways to make her mark, throwing you a guaranteed feel-good factor into the bargain.

Lucy charmed Sherman audiences earlier in 2006 with a show full of laughter and giggles. Now,

after a total sell-out season at the Edinburgh Festival where extra performances had to be added, her hit show, The Good Life, transfers to a national tour.

The Good Life and Lucy Porter will be arriving at The Sherman Theatre for one night only on April 24 at 7.30pm.

Tickets are only £10, though if you fancy winning a pair instead, then of course we have a pair to give away! Just email us as soon as possible.

For more information on the show visit www.shermantheatre.co.uk

Jump shows at WMC from April 24 - 28. Tickets range from £15 to £22.

To book tickets call 08700 40 2000 or visit www.wmc.org.uk

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN

! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

38 gairrhydd

LISTINGS

MARCH.26.2007 LISTINGS@gairrhydd.COM

This Week: the Eighties-tastic musical version of Footloose; sardonic comedy with Rich The Poppies / We Yes You No / The Mekkits

@ Clwb Ifor Bach Thurs March 29

8pm / £4 Rachel McWhinney recommends

X

press are proud to present a night of triple musical fun from The Poppies, We Yes You No and The Mekkits!

First up are The Mekkits!, who Metro have intriguingly desribed as “primary-coloured skiffle pop”. The eclectic five-piece hail from Manchester, where good bands breed like bacteria, and have been tentatively compared to the likes of The Beachboys and The Coral.

Certainly, the overriding mood of

their tunes is one of pure joy with an added clap-along factor present especially at their quirky live performances.

Next, We Yes You No,m who come from London. They are gaining industry buzz already, having recently been awarded the ‘Best Unsigned Recording of the Year’ award by Playback Magazine and had tracks played on Gideon Coe’s radio show on 6music. They are presently recording their debut album, which promises to be packed with eerie, atmospheric indie-rock.

The night concludes with headliners The Poppies who formed in an Aberystwyth pub. Now Cardiffbased, the trio have spent the last two years gigging around Wales and have been marked as promising new talent

by BBC Wales Music. Their bilingual (Welsh + English = double fun) reportoire of catchy songs leaves audience members at their live shows with smiles on their faces. All three bands show signs of going places in the future, so catch them while you can.

Rich Hall @ Glee Club

Wed 28 March 7.30pm Listings Editor Jenna Harris recommends

Y Footloose @ Wales Millenium Centre Mon - Sat Mar 26 - Apr 07

7.30pm/£5 - £32 Listings Editor Rosaria Sgueglia recommends

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his week I’m writing about the fantastic event that is Footloose the

musical. If you don’t like the genre of all things musical-related then I believe that this powerful production may convert you. It’s fun, funky and well-written, so why not give it a try? Here are some reasons to go if you are still not convinced.

Originally, Footloose was a movie released in 1984 starring the snakehipped Kevin Bacon. He played protagonist Ren McCormick, who moves from his home town Chicago to a small town with a small town attitude, upholding a ban on dancing and rock music.

The plot focuses on how he and his friends will succeed in getting around the law enforced by Reverend Shaw Moore, the fire and brimstone minister who believes that music and dance come from the Devil. Ren and co just

Coming Up Thin Lizzy

want to escape the tumbleweed rolling round the town and put on their dancing shoes. While starting this mission, Ren encounters Rev Shaw Moore’s rebellious daughter, Ariel...

Interestingly, the plot is not a complete work of fiction and is inspired by real-life events which took place in Elmore City, Oklahoma.

The soundtrack is amazing, covering a range of classic eighties songs such as Holding Out For a Hero, Let’s Hear it For The Boy and, of course, the titular Footloose. The dancing also promises to be every bit as good as the moves displayed in the film.

So, get up from that sofa and get ready for Footloose. Don’t forget your shoes!

ou say intelligent things stupidly, or you say stupid things intelligently. It’s not rocket surgery”. Such is acerbic US comedian Rich Hall, who performs in Cardiff tonight, on the secret of being funny.

Hall is one of those comedians you’ve probably seen on television or in print but perhaps not remembered his name. He may not quite be on the comedy A-list like Russell Brand, Ricky Gervais or Jack Dee, but he’s still one heck of a good comedian.

Hall was born in 1954 in the town of Waxhaw, North Carolina and once worked as a hurricane namer for the US Meteorological Service.

However, he soon ditched weather for the more sensible field of comey.

Even better than just doing television and stand up, he diversifies his act. Hall has written books like 2003’s Things Snowball, which questions random issues of life. He also invented the term ‘sniglet’, defining, as summed up by the title of the first of five books he’s written on the subject, Sniglets (Snig'Lit : Any Word That Doesn't Appear in the Dictionary, but Should).

Not only an apparent literary tour

de force, he has constructed an alter ego of a country music singer named Otis Lee Crenshaw, an ironic portrayal of an uber trailer-trash, seventimes married redneck. For this he mixes improvised comedy lyrics to country ‘staples’ such as She Calls It Stalking, I Call It Selective Walking.

The act has even seen Sean Lock and Bill Bailey have occasional guest roles as fellow crap country singers.

Hall’s been devoted to Crenshaw to the extent of releasing an album and even an ‘autobiography’ on the fictional singer, named I Blame Society.

Hall’s deadpan presence has often featured in comedy panel shows like Have I Got News For You and QI. He’s also performed in the 11 O'Clock Show among others and had his own TV series for the BBC; Rich Hall's Cattle Drive and Rich Hall’s Fishing Show, with the later mingling fishing, weirdness and odd chatter with celebrity guests on key issues of the moment.

In the US, he’s been writing for and appearing on comedy staple show Saturday Night Live for years, has won two Emmy Awards and has made several appearances on the Late Show with David Letterman.

Despite his apparent American success, he is unafraid to be openly critical of US foreign policies and once commented on the relentless pursuit of bin Laden that: “It’s like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Just because it’s the colonel’s face on the bucket, it doesn’t mean he’s cooking the drumsticks himself”.

Still, Matt Groening liked him enough to use Hall as a base for Simpsons bartender Moe, and if Hall’s good enough for him then he’s definitely good enough for us.

Incubus - 2 April @ CIA...Sugababes - 6 April @ CIA...Dopamine - 12 April @ Barfly...Deep Purple / Styx / Thin Lizzy @ CIA...Manic Street Preachers - 11/12 May @ SU...Girls Aloud - 23 May @ CIA...The Who - 1 June @ Swansea...Paul Weller - 20 June @ Newport Centre...Kings of Leon - 5 July @ CIA...Damien Rice - 12 Oct @ CIA... Fflam Festival: Manic Street Preachers / Placebo / Feeder (plus others) - 12-15 July @ Singleton Park, Swansea...

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LISTINGS

MARCH.26.2007 LISTINGS@gairrhydd.COM

Hall; Xpress Radio’s Gig of the Week.

Monday

26/03

Tuesday 27/03

Wednesday 28/03

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU Dressed up clubbing for jocks and pretend jocks. 10pm. £3.

Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach Three floors, three different club nights.

9.30pm. £3.

Cheapskates @ Metros.

Indie, alternative and cheese, mixed together with £1.09 house doubles. £6. 8pm-3pm.

The Arteries / Red City / The Hustle T / Rubik / The New Fast Black @ Buffalo Bar Live music of quintuple proportions as five local and up-and-coming bands do their thing.

8pm. £4.

Rumble Strips @ Barfly Devon’s Rumble Strips’ music combines jaunty melodies, brass and drums for an individual take on the world of indie rock.

7.30pm. £7.

The Last King of Scotland @ Chapter Arts Centre Oscar-winning film (Forest Whitaker, best actor) based on Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, who brings a young Scottish doctor into his inner circle. However, the Briton is drawn into a world of violence, murder and oppression.

8.30pm. £5.10.

Celebrating Women @ Gate Arts Centre Forty artists exhibit for International Women's Day 2007. For information visit www.thegate.org.uk.

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU Cardiff’s own alternative music night. Also features DJing by Oddsoc and bands put on

by LMS in the live music room. 10pm - 2am.

Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise.

The Jazz Attic @ Cafe Jazz Jam in a jazzy manner with the house jazz trio. All instruments and singers are welcome. £2/£1 if you perform. Arrive early.

Vodka Island @ Tiger Tiger Wales’ superclub. 9.30pm - 2am. £4.

Faithless @ CIA Dance music supergroup trio whose beats have been setting DJ booths around the world alight for several years. Sister Bliss, Maxi Jazz and Rollo Armstrong (brother to Dido) have been together for the last 14 years and, as yet, show no signs of boredom. Sold out.

Faithless After Show Party: Graba Graba Tape @ Buffalo Bar DJ fun for those who attended (or couldn’t attend) the Faithless gig. From 8pm.

Symphony Orchestra of RWCMD @ St David’s Hall A performance of Janáãek’s Sinfonietta, Berg’s Seven Early Songs and Brahms’ Symphony No. 37. 7.30pm. £7.

The Fall @ The Point Several million members later and Mark E. Smith’s motley collective is still going strong.

7.30pm. £16.

Forecast @ Buffalo Bar The usual Forecast DJs spin the decks. 8pm - 3am. Free.

LMS Open Mic Night @ Buffalo Meanwhile, in another room at the same venue, LMS host their open mic night. 8pm.

Free.

Planet Rock @ Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, metal and goth classics. 9pm - 2pm. £3.

Music With Taste - Lunchtime Concert: Music for Easter: Cardiff Metropolitan Cathedral Choir @ St David’s Hall A performance by a sixteen-strong male voice choir, who sing music for the Easter season that will include European motets from the Renaissance, music from the Sacred Cantatas and Passions of Bach, Viennese works by Haydn and Mozart, and other later pieces. Good for getting in to the Easter spirit. 1pm. £5.50/concs.

Jazz On The Level: Tommaso Starace Quintet @ St David's Hall Jazz musician Tommaso Starace performs compositions inspired by Elliott Erwitt’s renowned black and white photographs.

8pm. £10.

Stretch: Madhvi / Patricia Vallis @ Chapter Arts Centre Dance combining the forms of ballet and bharantanatyam. 8pm. £8 - £6.

Pick Of The Day Fame - The Musical @ New Theatre Musical based on the popular eighties TV show of the same name. Fame-hungry kiddies studying at New York’s School for the Performing Arts are willing to give everything and anything to realise their dreams of stardom. Twelve years and 3.5 million audience members after its 1995 conception, and it’s still worth making a song and dance over after all this time. Runs until Saturday. 7.30pm. £8.50- £25.50.

Pick Of The Day Dolly Parton @ CIA Smokey Mountain’s finest performer, and her oh-so-dramatic wig collection, storm the CIA. High-heeled shoes, sequins and heartbreak: Dolly’s musical spectacular gives everything and more that you’d expect from one of country music’s best (and campest) singer-songwriters. From a humble Tennessee upbringing, she’s spawned a forty year recording career and opened her own themepark, Dollywood.

Sold out.

Pick Of The Day Snoop Dogg / P Diddy @ CIA Yo homies, represent! The Doggy one and the Diddy one are pairing up for a rare Cardiff outing that will showcase rhymes from rap’s aristocracy. Snoop will most likely be sporting girly plaits; Diddy will be bedecked with acres of his usual platinum bling around his neck, and there will be half-naked ‘hoes’ dancing around them, such is the nature of rap music. Go for a laugh - it’ll be off tha shizzle. 7.30pm. £32.50.

Friday 30/03

Saturday 31/03

Sunday 01/04

Access all Areas @ Solus SU New Look Friday...Another Union event, another way to make people drunk. Promises the best alternative music and beats for you to boogie to. 10pm - 2am. £3.50 / £3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Music for those who love music. An indie and retro night that takes in the heady landscape created by the likes of Hendrix, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and Dusty Springfield.

10.pm – 2.30am. £3.50 / £4.

Mad4It! @ Barfly DJ Mike TV comperes an indietastic night of your favourite alternative music, ranging from the Strokes to the Smiths to absolutely everything in between. 10.30pm - 2am. £5.

BBC National Orchestra Of Wales / National Youth Orchestra of Wales / Robert Plane @ St David’s Hall Wales’ two national orchestras offer a performance of works by Shostakovich (Festival Overture), Mozart (Clarinet Concerto) and Rimsky-Korsakov (Scheherazade). Classical clarinettist Robert Plane also plays. 7.30pm. £8.

Beneath the Surface: Zumbar / Armies of You / Hornby Pylons @ Clwb Ifor Bach The best local and new bands. 8pm. £5.

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room and Traffic DJing in the side room. 10pm. £3.50.

Fly Swatter @ Barfly Indie party fest that mixes up the best music with the even better. Surprisingly, it’s nothing to do with fly swatters. 10.30pm. £5 NUS. Vic Goddard & Subway Sect / My Name In Lights / Amida @ Clwb Ifor Bach Vic Goddard & Subway Sect are an original punk band with one foot in 1977. With Vic Goddard on lead duties, they mix up ska and good old fashioned rock’n’roll. Also playing, Mancunian indie-poppers Amida, who are reminiscent of Pavement. 8pm. £6.50.

Orchestral Concert Series: Philharmonia Orchestra / Andras Schiff @ St David’s Hall A programme of works by Schubert: Symphony No 2, Impromptus and Symphony No 5. Also performing is classical pianist and conductor Andras Schiff, who specialises in interpreting the works of Beethoven.

7.30pm. £10 - £30.

Open Mike (Upstairs) @ Buffalo Bar An intimate and relaxed atmosphere where you can experience live acoustic acts, songwriters and performers, as well as participating yourself. 8pm - 3am. £1.

The Hop @ Buffalo Bar The resident DJs present fifties night: rock ‘n’ roll, jive, rockabilly and psychobilly. 8pm 3am. Free.

Pick Of The Day The Horrors / Neil’s Children @ Barfly Gothic, grimy rock from Southend band The Horrors. With more drama than an episode of Sunset Beach, the elegantly uncoiffed messrs Faris Rotter, Coffin Joe, Spider Webb, Tomethy Furse and Joshua Von Grimm bring their shambolic punk to Cardiff. Reputed for chaotic crowd participation, anyone wanting to go might need a set of armour to protect themselves from the, at times, frankly dangerous audience exuberance. Expect Stooges-inspired musical fun, like the visceral Sheila is a Parasite, and latest single Gloves, both taken from their début album Strange House. 7.30pm. £8.50.

Pick Of The Day Bennett Arron / Ricky Grover / Rhod Gilbert / Tony Hendriks @ Jongleurs It’s comedy time this week. Jewish-Welsh comedian Bennett Arron has been described by ents24.com as being “a cross between the paranoid angst of Max Boyce and colloquial valley humour of Woody Allen”. Ricky Grover has made quite a bit of progress on his comedy career so far, racking up appearances on Red Dwarf, Johnny Vaughan's sitcom 'Orrible and the 11 O'clock Show. Also performing, Rhod Gilbert, who has won a string of awards, including prizes from the Gift Of The Gag 2003 and the BBC Comedy Awards 2003.

Finally, Tony Hendriks, who was once voted Best Jamaican Comedian 1999. His work draws on his childhood in Jamaica. 8pm. £10 (also includes free entry to Club Risa.)

Miss Of The Day Derek Acorah @ St David's Hall The medium from Living TV’s Most Haunted (a programme about as scary as an episode of Scooby Do) turns up to fleece people from their money present an evening of ‘psychic ability’ to his many devoted followers. He may well possess psychic ability, if it does actually exist, but whoring himself out to to the likes of Living and charging ‘fans’ the cost of a gig ticket to see him live doesn’t shout “It’s not just an act to make money” for me. 7.30pm. £13.50 - £16.

Priya Thomas / The Hoods @ Barfly Canadian singer-songwriter Thomas performs tracks from new album You and Me Against the World Baby. 7.30pm. £5.

Rove @ Chapter Arts Centre Rove is part of a new series of events featuring improvised and experimental sonic/musical performance. This week is ensemble improvision, featuring Matthew Lovett, Rob Smith, Ashley John Long, Thomas Jackson and Lily Green. 8pm. £5.

Bad Film Club: Nicko & Joe vs. Jaws 3 (15) @ Chapter Arts Centre Nicko and Joe are conniseurs of bad films, so much so that they’re devoted to travelling the country and running evenings devoted to them. Tonight is Cardiff’s turn and for your viewing pleasure will be film ‘classic’ Jaws 3.

For more information check out their website: www.badfilmclub.com. 8pm. £5.10.

Thursday 29/03

The Bait Shop @ Barfly For alternative music fans, the Barfly has handily provided this club night, named after the establishment frequented on The OC, to minister to your musical needs. 10.30pm. £3/2 NUS. Laser Safari @ Buffalo Bar A night of live indie music and DJs. 8pm. £4.

SwitchedOn Sherman: Scriptslam @ Sherman Theatre Regular session devoted to developing new writing talents. There will be four 15 minute pieces written by four new writers and the audience votes for the piece they would most like to see developed. 8pm. £3.

Gwaun Cwm Garw: Theatr Bara Caws @ Chapter Arts Centre Welsh-language adaptation by Sharon Morgan of Moises Kaufman's The Laramie Project, which dramatises the trial of a whole community. £6 - £10. 8pm.

Pierre Hollins / Paul Chowdry / Andy Askins / Andrew Maxwell @ Glee Club Weekly dose of comedy from The Glee Club.

This week; Irish performer and Bafta-winner Maxwell; the darkly humorous Askins; stand up and sing from Hollins; and London’s Chowdry, star of Megamelamalai.

The Unsigned Band Connection @ Callaghan's Go along to support Cardiff’s unsigned bands. 9pm - 2am. £1.

Pick Of The Day Solid Silver 60s Show: The Searchers / The Merseybeats / Wayne Fontana / John Walker / The Dakotas @ St David’s Hall Post-Beatles ascent to mega success, a whole host of ‘Mersey beat’ competitors quickly spring up in the mid-Sixties.

Some, like The Searchers, had huge success of their own with 30 million records sold. Many of these other sixties groups are still touring. 7.30pm. £17 - £21.

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

40 gairrhydd

SPORT

MARCH.26.2007 SPORT@gairrhydd.COM

The Deloitte IMG Breakfast

Mark Legge IMG Reporter

IMG Football: Division 2 Economics 2 - 0 Psycho ECONOMICS rose to the top of Division Two with a convincing victory against Psycho Athletico.

Two first-half goals provided Economics with a much-needed win in their pursuit of the title. As previous league leaders Cardiff Crusaders lost elsewhere, Economics have now opened up a narrow one-point lead at the top.

But everything can change this week when the two sides meet in what has been billed as the title-decider.

While Crusaders must win at all costs, Economics only need a point to claim the title.

From kick-off there was a lively start to the game. Economics looked creative in the centre of midfield and brought both wingers into the game well.

And they almost took the lead in the first five minutes. A beautifully weighted through-ball from Economics striker David Weston was met by David Jones, who rifled his shot against the bar from just inside the area.

But Economics opened the scoring in the 15th minute. Winger Michael Rootes hit a left-footed volley from a tight angle inside the box.

And Economics struck again in the 36th minute. Jon Szehofner expertly lobbed the Psycho goalkeeper after latching onto a long ball.

Yet despite being 2-0 down, a spirited Psycho began to apply some pres-

sure in the dying minutes of the first half. With a combination of excellent passing across the pitch and several unconvincing Economics clearances, Psycho began to look threatening.

Although Economics held on until the break, the second half started as the first ended as Psycho continued to attack.

And in the 48th minute this pressure almost paid off. Economics keeper Jack Sommervell produced a strong save following a defensive mix-up. A volleyed clearance ricocheted off an Economics defender and almost entered the net.

However, the Psycho revival appeared to be short-lived. Economics wrestled control as their midfield and front two began to link up well.

On the other hand, Psycho’s main attacks relied on balls being played behind the Economics full-backs.

These passes rarely gave Psycho many chances to score.

Economics came close to adding a third in the 60th minute when Szehofner was denied at point blank range as the Psycho goalkeeper pulled off a magnificent save.

And when Szehofner beat the Psycho goalkeeper moments later, defender Dave Clapworthy cleared the ball off the line.

As the match drew to an end, Psycho pushed more bodies players forwards as they attempted to salvage something from the game.

But although Psycho successfully pinned their opponents back on various occasions, they failed penetrate a resilient Economics defence.

In response, Economics looked dangerous on the counter-attack as Adam Carey and Weston missed good opportunities in the latter stages.

menon on the match FOOTBALL

NETBALL

NUMBER OF GOALS: 136 goals, 4.69 goals per game WHIPPING BOYS: AFC Cathays conceded 14 altogether SURPRISE PACKAGE: Inter Me-Nan for their fine run of form and surprise win over Crusaders EPIC GAME: Gym Gym v Engin, a passionate affair which lived up to all expectations CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Law B are now the only side with a 100% record in Phase Two. Brilliant.

TEAM OF THE WEEK: A tough one to call. Although Gym Gym held their nerve under pressure, I think Inter Me-Nan deserve this award for staging the biggest upset.

NUMBER OF GOALS: 105 goals, 26.25 goals per game GOLDEN GIRLS: Law A scored 20 against Cardiff B SURPRISE PACKAGE: Locomotive almost staged the biggest shock of the season. Unlucky girls.

EPIC GAME: No doubt about it. Cardiff A versus Locomotive, a great advert for netball CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Difficult to call in a cup competition.

The semi-finalists deserve credit.

TEAM OF THE WEEK: Although Locomotive lost, they deserve this award for pushing Cardiff A all the way and giving them a fright. A fantastic performance, well done girls.

IMG Football Results Sun 18 Mar

J

IMG Football Results Wed 21 Mar

PHOTO: Ed Salter

Psycho defeated as Economics go top

HEAD: On the ball

Crusaders crash inter second Chris Kelly IMG Reporter

IMG Football: Division 2 Inter 3 - 1 Crusaders CARDIFF CRUSADERS lost their grip on the Division Two title after losing to a competent Inter Me-Nan side.

When these sides met on the opening day of the first phase, it was Crusaders who comfortably won the encounter 4-1.

However, Inter upset the odds on this occasion and put a dent in Crusaders’ title hopes.

As title-challengers Economics won elsewhere, Crusaders dropped to second place in the Division Two table. After suffering this defeat, Crusaders must beat Economics this week to clinch the title.

Meanwhile, Inter Me-Nan have seen a change of fortune in recent matches.

After recording their first Division Two win against Psycho a couple of weeks ago, Inter have risen up the table with victories against Real Ale and Crusaders.

Crusaders emerged as the stronger side in the early stages and they soon took the lead. When a dubious penalty for handball was awarded, Crusaders striker George Anderson dispatched the spot-kick confidently.

However, this goal sparked an Inter revival and it was not long before they levelled the match. MeNan midfielder Jonnie Bradbury drilled a half-volley into the top

corner from the edge of the box.

But the scores did not stay level for long. Continuous Inter pressure on the Crusaders’ defence led to a second dubious penalty, again for handball, which was fired home by Jake Parkinson. As a result, Inter established a deserved 2-1 lead at the break.

Again it was Crusaders who started more positively in the second half and the Inter defence was kept busy for the first five minutes.

But it was Inter who grabbed the vital next goal. A mix-up in the Crusaders defence led to a calamitous own goal, caused by pressure from the in-form Inter striker, Nick Davies.

And this decisive goal effectively destroyed the contest. There were no further clear-cut chances at either end as both defences held firm.

Although Anderson always looked lively in the Crusaders attack, Inter centre-backs Steff Edwards and Chris Grove were superbly composed throughout. The pair demonstrated why Inter had not conceded in their previous three games.

In the latter stages, Crusaders came close to scoring when their captain, Ben Shaw, dragged a close range free kick wide. But Inter held onto victory.

Afterwards, Inter skipper Jack Chauveau said: “It was a great performance by the boys today.

“It was sweet to finally get some revenge on them, especially after one Crusaders player told me they would thrash us 7-0.”

Inter can still finish in second.

IMG Football Fixtures Wed 28 Mar

IMG Netball

MOMED AFC History Carbs Gym Gym

0 4 8 1

-

0 4 1 1

Thunderkatz Zoology AFC Cathays Engin

Thunderkatz Zoology Engin AFC History

v v v v

Gym Gym MOMED CARBS AFC Cathays

Law B Arse’Alona B. Seniors H. Dragons

1 3 0 1

-

0 1 1 2

Butthead FC Law B Pharm AC Chemsoc

Law A Butthead FC Arse’Alona B. Seniors

v v v v

Law B H. Dragons Pharm AC Chemsoc

Psycho Ath. C. Crusders Inter-Me Nan Economics

Real Ale JOMEC Economics Inter-Me Nan

1 P 2 3

-

2 P 0 1

J-Unit Socsi Psycho C. Crusaders

Socsi J-Unit JOMEC Economics

v v v v

Real Ale Inter Me-Nan Psycho Ath. C. Crusadors

Semi-final draw: Wed 28 Mar

English Soc Euros Park Rangers Myg Myg

TWNN Esplanyol Myg Myg Park Rangers

4 2 2 0

-

2 2 3 5

Uni Hallstars JapSoc English Soc Euros

Uni Hallstars Japsoc English Soc Euros

v v v v

Park Rangers TWNN Esplanyol Myg Myg

(Final to be played after semi-finals)

Thunderkatz Zoology MOMED AFC History

6 P 0 4

-

3 P 2 3

AFC Cathays Engin Gym Gym CARBS

Butthead FC Law A Law B Arse’Alona

P 3 3 P

-

P 1 1 P

Pharm AC Chemsoc H. Dragons B. Seniors

J-Unit Socsi Real Ale JOMEC

6 0 0 3

-

1 1 3 3

Uni Hallstars Japsoc TWNN Esplanyol

1 9 3 4

-

7 1 1 4

Results: Wed 21 Mar Cardiff A Carbs A Economics Law A

16 11 16 20

-

15 Loco 9 IWC A 8 SAWSA 12 Cardiff B

CARBS A v Law A Cardiff A v Economics A

Football Tables IMG Football

Premiership P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Gym Gym

6

5

1

0

13

16

2

AFC History

6

4

1

1

9

13

3

CARBS

6

4

0

2

13

12

4

Engin

5

2

2

1

2

8

5

Thunderkatz

6

1

3

2

-5

6

6

Zoology

5

1

2

2

0

5

7

MOMED

6

1

1

4

-7

4

8

AFC Cathays

6

0

0

6

-25

0

P

W

IMG Football

Division One D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Law B

6

6

0

0

11

18

2

Law A

6

5

0

1

17

15

3

Arse’Alona

5

4

0

1

6

12

4

Pharm AC

5

3

0

2

-2

9

5

Chemsoc

6

2

0

4

-4

6

6

Boca Seniors

5

1

1

3

-7

4

7

H. Dragons

6

0

1

5

-9

1

8

Butthead FC

5

0

0

5

-12

0

P

W

IMG Football

Division Two D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Economics

6

4

2

0

7

14

2

Crusaders

6

4

1

1

5

13

3

Inter Me-Nan

6

3

1

2

5

10

4

J-Unit

6

3

1

2

4

10

5

Jomec

6

2

3

1

0

9

6

Psycho Ath.

6

2

1

3

-5

7

7

Socsi

6

1

1

4

-6

4

8

Real Ale Madrid

6

0

0

6

-10

0

P

W

IMG Football

Division Three D

L

Diff

Pts

1

TWNN

6

5

0

1

9

15

2

Japsoc

6

4

2

0

15

14

3

English Soc

6

4

0

2

8

12

4

Esplanyol

6

1

4

1

0

7

5

Uni Hallstars

6

1

2

3

-3

5

6

Myg Myg

6

1

2

3

-3

5

7

Park Rangers

6

1

2

3

-6

5

8

Euros

6

1

0

5

-20

3

Played off the Park IMG Football: Division 3 Euros 5 - 0 Park Rangers BOTTOM-OF-THE-TABLE Euros recorded an emphatic victory over fellow strugglers Park Rangers.

The result moves Euros to within two points of Rangers and Myg Myg, who lost 3-2 against English Society.

This was also Euros’ first clean sheet of their Division Three campaign.

Euros showed their attacking intent from the outset and were initially rewarded with many corners.

However, Euros’ first goal came from deep inside their own half. Irishman Ben Hansen scored following a swift counterattacking move.

Worse was to follow for Rangers as Hansen calmly headed his second from a well directed cross. Despite the best efforts of the Rangers’ goalkeeper, he completed a hat-trick from the penalty spot shortly afterwards.

The fourth goal came after some great wing play from Santiago Lorenzo. This created a chance which Austrian midfielder Philipp Seirer slid in to convert. Pete Butler, the Euros’ left-back, completed the rout with a scorcher from the edge of the box.

Having proved they have the capacity for a great performance, Euros will have gained confidence leading up to their final game against Myg Myg this Wednesday.

Meanwhile, Park Rangers will hope to pick up at least a point against Uni Hallstars to avoid finishing at the bottom of Division Three.

gairrhydd

SPORT

MARCH.26.2007 SPORT@gairrhydd

Cardiff A Deloitte IMG Breakfast sneak Japsoc held back by Esplanyol through IMG Football: Division 3 Esplanyol 2 - 2 Japsoc

For any information about IMG Rugby, please see Martyn Fowler.

Please note: The league table below may be inaccurate. Please email us any results which you think are missing.

JAPSOC surrendered their position at the top of Division Three but maintained their title hopes by salvaging a draw against Esplanyol.

High-flyers Japsoc came from behind twice to secure a point. After falling 2-1 down in the second half, Japsoc grabbed a much-needed equaliser with five minutes left.

As Japsoc dropped points, TWNN went top of Division Three after beating Uni Hallstars. This means TWNN only need a draw against Japsoc this week to clinch the title.

IMG Rugby

tunties but most of their moves were snuffed out by the Esplanyol defence.

Chrimes performed superbly for Esplanyol throughout and he almost restored his side’s lead. Although his shot beat the Japsoc goalkeeper, the bar stood in the way.

Nonetheless, it was Chrimes who grabbed Esplanyol’s second goal. He found the net from close range after latching onto a delicate through-ball from David Davies.

But Esplanyol failed to hold on.

When a long-ball was not dealt with, the Japsoc number 9 pounced and superbly chipped the ball over the advancing Esplanyol goalkeeper.

PHOTO: Ed Salter

IIMG Rugby

On the other hand, Japsoc need a victory against TWNN to finish the season as Division Three winners.

Esplanyol took the lead midway through the half. When a delightful Harry Sedman pass was flicked on by Ben Forrester, Nathan Chrimes was on hand to volley the ball home.

Japsoc replied positively but still failed to create any clear chances. But they equalised from an efficient break when a dangerous cross from the right was poked home from a striker at the far post.

The second half began as the first had ended with both teams battling in midfield. Japsoc tried to create oppor-

16/3/07 P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Engin

4

4

0

0

114

12

2

Stoma

5

3

1

1

45

10

3

SAWSA

5

3

0

2

-36

9

4

CARBS A

3

2

0

1

32

6

5

Pharmacy

2

2

0

0

19

6

6

Medics

5

2

0

3

14

6

7

Law

1

1

0

0

7

3

8

MASTS

4

1

0

3

-29

3

9

CARBS B

5

1

0

4

-40

1

10

Planning

3

0

0

3

-126

0

TUSSLE: The ball’s mine

PHOTO: Ed Salter

Law A beating is a pain in the Arse

CODE RED: Bad tackle approaching

Chem Soc get last laugh IMG Football: Division 1 H. Dragons 1 - 2 Chem Soc CHEM SOC won their second Division One match and took all three points against bitter rivals, Havana Dragons.

After losing 2-1 to Chem Soc earlier in the season, Havana Dragons were keen to avenge that defeat.

In fact, Havana started brightly. The Dragons troubled the ChemSoc defence within moments of the start, although old animosities seemed to flare slightly when Chem Soc captain Alex Criddle took an arm to the face within 10 seconds.

Despite creating a huge amount of chances in the half, Havana were thwarted by poor finishing. And they were soon punished as Chem Soc took

the lead just before half-time. A freekick picked out Jason Green who found the net at the back post.

Incidentally, it was Chem Soc’s only shot on target in the first half.

The second period, however, was an almost complete reversal of the first.

Chem Soc emerged as the stronger side, although it was Havana who committed the first foul again.

Chem Soc’s pressure quickly paid off when Jason Green chased down a sloppy pass back, only to be brought down in the box by the Havana goalkeeper.

The resulting penalty was comfortably converted by Gavin Clifford in the 55th minute.

Although Martin Weinel grabbed a goal back for Havana from the penalty spot, Chem Soc held on to secure their second win over the Dragons.

Mark Smith IMG Reporter

IMG Football: Division 1 Law A 1 - 3 Arse’Alona ARSE’ALONA kept their slim Division One title hopes alive with an impressive victory over the much-fancied Law A. Three Arse’Alona goals in the opening 20 minutes condemned Law A to their first Division One defeat. Although Law grabbed a second-half consolation, Arse’Alona held on to secure the points.

Elsewhere, Law B maintained their 100% record with a narrow win over strugglers Butthead FC. This means Law B only need a draw against Law A this week to secure the title.

However, Arse’Alona can steal the title on goal difference if they win their remaining games and Law B lose.

Nonetheless, Law A have a far superior goal difference to Arse’Alona.

The first twenty minutes from Law A was poor at best. Their play certainly didn’t resemble the fluid, attacking football from previous games.

Conversely, the neat passing and movement from Arse’Alona was excellent at times. In the early stages, Arse’Alona often created space and caused the Law A defence many problems.

And Arse’Alona soon broke the deadlock. Last year’s runners-up cruised into a comfortable 2-0 lead with two well-worked goals.

Their solid defence and strong mid-

field enabled them to retain the majority of possession in the first half. This prevented Law A from mounting many attacks.

Shortly afterwards, Arse’Alona sealed the points when they scored a third. After a throw-in was flicked on, the ball fell kindly to an unmarked Arse’Alona striker who headed home.

However, Law A improved after the break and began to create some chances of their own. Their determination and spirit was far more evident.

Law used the flanks more frequently and their strikers saw more of the ball. But this promising passage of play was abruptly called to a halt when Law A striker, Chris Day, dislocated his shoulder in a challenge with the Arse’Alona goalkeeper.

While Day received treatment, play was suspended for nearly ten minutes.

Nevertheless, when the match restarted, Law A kept up the pressure and deservedly reduced the deficit to 3-1.

Steffan Williams rose at the far post to head home Michael Godwin’s cross.

A number of injuries to both teams slowed the game down significantly, making it difficult for Law A to gain any momentum.

But although Law dictated the play for most of the second half, they failed to breach the Arse’Alona defence for a second time.

Afterwards, Law A full-back, George Pawley said: “The first 20 minutes were a nightmare. We haven’t been the fastest of starters this year.

“But after Arse’Alona went 3 - 0 up, we missed chances that could have made the game much closer. To be fair, the Arse’Alona keeper was on form.”

Miki Burdus IMG Reporter

IMG Netball Cup NETBALL CUP holders Cardiff A battled to victory against Locomotive Engin in a gripping quarter-final which went into extra time.

Cardiff took the lead with a quick first goal, but the Locomotive girls kept their composure. Determined to play at their best, they fought back to reduce Cardiff’s lead to 7-5 at half time.

The second half saw two evenly matched sides struggle for a place in the semi finals.

Brilliant goals scored from the Locomotive shooters Claire Osbourne and Ellie Lyons, pulled the teams level. There was little to choose between the teams and a gruelling second half finished at 1414.

The game went into extra time, which lasted for a total of five minutes. Locomotive initially controlled possession, yet Cardiff managed to shoot the first goal.

At the end of the first half, Locomotive had a lucky escape when Cardiff missed a chance to stretch their lead to two goals.

However, in the second part of extra time, the Locomotive defence held firm. This gave them a platform to push on, with the shooters yet again drawing the scores level at 15-15.

The game eventually reached a climax when Cardiff scored a ‘golden goal’. Following some swift passing and excellent movement, the ball was handed to the Cardiff goal-attack who held her nerve to convert the winning goal.

Having been tested to the limit in this match, Cardiff now face a tricky encounter against Economics A in the semi-final.

Meanwhile, CARBS A meet Law A in the other fixture. These matches will be played on Wednesday with the final taking place afterwards.

PHOTO: Rob Taylor

The

41

NETBALL: Not easy

42 gairrhydd

SPORT

MARCH.26.2007 SPORT@gairrhydd.COM

Cardiff take Varsity warm-up Scott D’Arcy Sports Reporter

PHOTO: JAMESON KEREGOZOU

B’BALL: Psychological Advantage

that was about to hit Swansea.

Turnovers were frequent in the first quarter but both teams CARDIFF Men’s 1sts . . . . . . .61 tightened their game after the break and Cardiff came out with more SWANSEA Men’s 1sts . . . . . .47 energy than their opponents.

Dafydd Bowen made some sweet threes in the opening minTHE DEFENDING champions utes of the second quarter and took Cardiff started this game Cardiff into the lead. They never against a Swansea side that looked back afterwards. looked strong from the outset.

Swansea were dire in the second Both teams started visibly fired up for this local derby but Swansea scoring only three points to Cardiff’s twenty two. The home got the first points on the board team’s fifteen point scoring streak with a swish three pointer. saw the game begin to slip away There were many missed shots from Swansea. early on as both teams looked The reason for this dramatic slightly nervous, but Swansea took improvement was Cardiff’s passthe initiative as well as their ing, which was sharper and more chances. Their defending in the incisive than it had been in the first quarter was solid, forcing first, and this meant that their shot Cardiff to shoot outside the three point line, which brought little suc- success rate improved because they were able to get closer to the bascess. ket.

The game never got away from The frustration was evident from Cardiff though and they pulled their opponents as they clearly back. Good shooting by Will struggled to match Cardiff for Marsh at point guard and strong work rate. Interceptions led to blocking on defence were the signs breakaways by Cardiff and helped that Cardiff were starting to get them pile more misery on their settled and although the first quaropponents. ter ended in a five point deficit, it In the third it was a question of was the drizzle before the storm

consolidating their lead, and although Swansea scored ten points in this quarter they lacked the determination they had shown in the first. The signals of their capitulation were clear as they hardly contested the rebounds and had no answers to Cardiff’s offensive game.

Swansea struggled to control Bowen as he notched up 26 in total, while Nick Parnell also had a commanding game. The gap had only narrowed by two points going into the final quarter and a comeback looked unlikely.

However, Swansea made an effort and outscored Cardiff fourteen to ten in the final quater.

Cardiff started to miss their chances, perhaps because complacency started to creep in, but it was inconsequential as they were so far ahead.

The final nail in the coffin was a swish three pointer from Bowen, although Swansea made it a little more respectable with an eight point streak before the final buzzer.

A well deserved victory earned the chance to regain the Welsh Cup, and confidence should be high for the final.

Hockey’s European Adventure Sport presents all the build-up to the European Cup Winners Cup Hockey tournament in Malta

Key squad members

One to watch PHOTO: JAMES PEROU

Name: Tim Hale Year: 1 Course: Maths Position: Defender Representative Honours: South U17s The defender, who can play anywhere across the back, began his career in the second XI. However, he has climbed the ladder and has recently cemented a regular spot in the 1st team. Tim has been an integral part of the team's recent good form winning several man-of-the-match awards in the process. He is no stranger to playing in big tournaments. At school, he represented the South of England in the National Championships.

Tim believes that this experience is vital to playing well in Malta: "Playing in tournaments is different to playing league games. It is a lot more intense. Playing for South was good preparation for a competition like this.

I just can't wait to get there now."

HOCKEY: Malta awaits

Name: Paul Hayes (Captain) Year: Four Course: Ma Journalism Position: Forward Representative Honours: Wales U21s, Welsh Universities, South U17s Name: Ian Ferguson (Vice-Captain) Year: Three Course: Medicine Position: Goalkeeper Representative Honours: Wales U21s, Welsh Universities, Ulster U18s

FIXTURES: April April April April

5th 6th 7th 8th

-

Cardiff University vs Rosco Budapest Cardiff University vs RCOR Minsk Cardiff University vs HK Zelina (Croatia) Finals day and Playoffs

Cardiff's opening match is against the Hungarian Cup Winners Rosco Budapest. Rosco have dominated Hungarian hockey in the last 10 years and are therefore very experienced at playing in European competitions.

Their second game against RCOR Minsk proves to be a tricky tie known for their physcial and aggressive style of hockey.

In the final group game, Cardiff take on the tournament favourites HK Zelina. If Cardiff are able to top the group they will progress to the final in which they will battle for promotion.

Name: Anthony Gough Year: Five Course: Medicine Position: Defender Representative Honours: Welsh Universities, West U17s Name: Duncan Courtney Year: Four Course: Medicine Position: Midfielder Representative Honours: Welsh Universities, West U17’s

gairrhydd 43

SPORT Kick-Off Awesome Azare send Men through

MARCH.26.2007

SPORT@gairrhydd.COM

Drama Roz Lambe Rugby Reporter

BATH Ladies’ 1sts . . . . . . . . .10 CARDIFF Ladies’ 1sts . . . . . . .10 *Cardiff win 3 - 2 on Penalty Kicks

CARDIFF CAME out victorious after a closely fought match away against Bath, in a match of high tension due to the match being a playoff for a position in the BUSA Premiership.

The first half was fairly uneventful with breaks made by both teams.

Good defensive work on both sides meant that the scoreboard was untouched going into half time.

The second half saw Cardiff come out with a newfound sense of determination. Excellent play by the forwards resulted in a number of driving mauls, keeping the visitors in the opposition’s 22.

However, it wasn’t until five minutes from time that scrum-half Ceri Hill whipped the ball out to centre Simone Shepherd who broke down the wing, off-loading to Emily Sheppard for the try.

Cardiff celebrated prematurely and Bath capitalised on this, responding with a try of their own two minutes from time, leveling up the the score at 5 - 5.

The game then went into extra time and it was clear both teams were tiring. Bath were first to spring into action, playing the ball wide from a scrum to their winger, who ran in from 20 yards to score.

With ten minutes to go in the added period, Cardiff battled on with centre Shepherd making another incisive break. Good off-loading through the tackle left scrum-half Hill to take on three Bath players, with fly-half Roz Lambe supporting and eventually going over for the try.

The 10 - 10 scoreline meant the game would be decided by penalty kicks.

Cardiff celebrated prematurely and Bath capitalised on this Both teams’ lack of kicking practice was evident, and this was coupled by the tension of the situation - only one out of five players successfully kicked for their team.

Bath scored first but Cardiff’s Nicole Skehan kept them in the game with a brilliant kick, which luckily bounced off the post and went over.

This led to sudden death, with all remaining Bath and Cardiff players missing their kicks.

The game was finally won by Captain Simone Shepherd with a perfectly executed strike.

Cardiff now face Brunel in the second playoff next week, with the prospect of promotion into the Premiership on the horizon.

James Ford Football Reporter GLAMORGAN Men’s 1sts . . . . .1 CARDIFF Men’s 1sts . . . . . . . .3 CARDIFF FOOTBALL 1st XI staged a late rally at Glamorgan to reach the final of the Welsh Cup. After going behind with twenty minutes left to play, Cardiff were heading out of the competition before two goals from Sean Hogan and a superb strike from Kwame Asare ensured victory for the away side.

The quality of the first half did not match that of the conditions as Cardiff failed to utilise the neat and wide play-

ing surface. Nevertheless the first chance of the game fell to James Cinicola on twelve minutes after good play on the right by Eifion Roberts and the omnipresent Hogan. The ball reached Cinicola at the back post but the diminutive winger could only blaze over from a tight angle.

Glamorgan responded with attacks of their own, and goalkeeper Cole Stacey was forced to twice save well at his front post.

At the other end, Cardiff produced the best chance of the half after thirty minutes when Nick Beckley latched onto a cross but could only steer his header onto the foot of the post. After 45 minutes the action came to a close without the deadlock broken.

The second half was a different

story as the superior fitness level of Cardiff proved to be a key factor. The central midfield pair of Matty Jones and Jack Jarvis began to dominate but the opening goal of the game came against the run of play and in slightly comical fashion.

There will surely be an inquest as a mix-up between Stacey and captain Andrew Wylde resulted in the ball ricocheting off the shin of the Glamorgan striker and looping over the despairing Cardiff ‘keeper.

The reply from Cardiff was instant.

Industrious play from Beckley led to a cross from Cinicola which was met from close range by the head of Hogan for the equaliser. With a draw looking likely, the tie was turned on its head by the introduction of Asare.

With only minutes remaining a hopeful ball into the box was controlled on the chest by the Ghanaian forward, who turned and slid a fierce shot into the corner of the net.

As the home side pushed up in search of a late equaliser, Cardiff claimed an insurance goal from a counter-attack.

The ball fell to Hogan inside the penalty area, and he coolly dinked over two defenders before slotting home from 11 yards to make the score 3 - 1.

Speaking after the win, skipper Wylde stated: “It really was a game of two halves today. We felt we had a twelfth man out there and credit must go to the boys that travelled to support us. Now we look forward to final after Easter”.

Seconds The Best Thrice as nice for Medics Netball Ben Chung Snooker Reporter

Becky Oatley Netball Reporter CARDIFF Medics’ 1sts . . . . .49 MANCHESTER 1sts . . . . . . . .35 CARDIFF MEDICS completed a unique treble season with a convincing victory over Manchester in the BUSA Plate Final.

Having already been crowned British Medic Society Champions and Netball For Life Champions, they rounded off the season in style, winning 49 - 35 against a tough and welldrilled Manchester side.

The game started at a frenetic pace, Manchester forcing a turnover on the first centre pass, which they duly converted. But Cardiff replied immediately with a turnover and goal of their own.

Footwork errors on either side were a feature of the early game as players struggled to deal with the slippery floor and pace of the game. Cardiff were first to settle and quickly began to counter the English side’s attack.

However, it looked like it might not be their day, when time and again the final pass didn’t quite go to hand.

Footwork errors on either side were a feature of the early game A crucial error by the Manchester WD allowed Cardiff to finally grab a two goal lead. After cruising through the early rounds, Manchester looked shell-shocked to have a competitive game on their hands.

The pressure on their shooters was telling, whilst at the other end of the court, GS Glesni Davies was a picture

of composure as she coolly slotted the goals away extending Cardiff’s lead to 11 - 7 at quarter time.

Manchester came out blazing, getting two quick goals to reduce the deficit, but Cardiff replied with three of their own. Ill discipline in defence allowed Davies and fellow shooter Katie Allison to keep the scoreboard ticking over, sending the partisan crowd into rapture.

Cardiff forced turnovers all down the court; GK Holly Oakes and GD Gwen Jones cut down the space for the opposition attack, forcing them to play balls in that they could pounce on with ease, whilst Centre Abbie Hazley did her bit, picking off passes and heaping the pressure on the already shakey Mancunian attack. At the break, Cardiff Medics had extended their lead to 22 - 15.

Half time saw the introduction of GA Sophie Holmes, returning after injury, and she quickly made her presence known, dictating the attacking play and sinking her shots like she had never been away.

In a bid to stir a comeback, Manchester introduced a new Centre to the court, but she added little either in attack or defence. Cardiff’s all-court defence was forcing Manchester backwards and sideways, frustrating and tempting them into fifty-fifty balls that the Welsh girls could easily intercept.

At the other end, Davies duly converted any chances she got.

Unused to still competition, Manchester’s heads went down and Cardiff continued to dominate in all areas of the court completing the victory 49 - 35 to lift the Plate and complete a hugely successful season.

Captain Holly Oakes commented: “We turn up as underdogs, with bad kit and no balls, yet manage to beat big teams. The Uni tried to get rid of our little team last year and now we are BUSA Plate Champions.”

Varsity 2007

Special 12-page pullout inside

CARDIFF SECONDS surprised their 1st team counterparts in taking a bronze in the BUSA Team Trophy, after the 1s were knocked out by Glasgow at the quarter final stage.

Teams from all over the UK travelled to Willie Thorne’s Snooker Centre in Leicester hoping to win the illustrious BUSA Team Championship and Team Trophy titles. The first competition was the Individual Championships, which all of Cardiff’s representatives were entered in. Despite the most of the team triumphant in the preliminary round, all 10 were out by the second round, leaving the squad disappointed but ready to tackle the Team events.

Two groups of four teams were drawn, with the top three in each group progressing to the second group stage.

In the Team Championship, Cardiff’s 1st team faced the University of Belfast, Queens 1sts, former winners Glasgow 1sts and Southampton’s 1st team. The Team Trophy saw Cardiff seconds against bitter rivals Warwick 2nds and a very strong Durham 1s.

Cardiff’s 1sts started brightly with a 7 – 3 win over Glasgow, with Channon and Universities Pool Council 9-Ball Champion Manos Paspatis winning 2 - 0 in their matches. However, Southampton defeated the 1s 6 - 4 in the second game. The Cardiff team were midtable at the end of the first day and only needed four frames against Queens to finish in the top three.

After discovering that Northumbria had dropped out of the tournament, Cardiff’s 2nd team were given a break, courtesy of a bye, in anticipation of their first match against Durham. Durham had already beaten Warwick 2nds 12 – 3, but Cardiff had the advantage after the first three matches with a 6 - 3 lead provided by Rupert Taylor and Club President Ben Chung who both won 3 - 0. Cardiff ended the first day with a 9 - 6 win.

On day two, Cardiff 1sts were up

against old rivals Queens and lost 6 – 4, however the result gave them the four frames required to take them through to the next round.

Cardiff 2nds had a similar passage through to the second round. Also needing to win four or more frames against Warwick to guarantee a spot in the second round, Taylor and Chung continued their form by winning 2 - 1 each, handing Cardiff 2nd place in their group.

In round two, a top two finish for either side would provide Cardiff with a path through to the semis.

The 1sts drew Nottingham and Glasgow, and with Notts beating Glasgow 7 - 3 and Cardiff losing to Notts 6 - 4, a draw against Glasgow would be enough to come 2nd due to a higher number of frames won.

After beating Glasgow in the previous round, the Cardiff team slipped up early on with top players Paspatis and Shaun Hill only managing to draw 1 - 1 with Glasgow’s average players. This eventually led to crushing 6 - 3 defeat and exit of the competition.

Ben Davies made the 2nds’ highest competitive break in the semis with a 36 and took a 2 - 0 lead as his team’s tie against Loughborough started positively. A final frame battle gave Cardiff a 6 - 4 win, meaning a draw against Queens 2s would leave them top of the group and into the last four. Chung won two long and tensely fought frames to send them through.

Cardiff didn’t get the run of the balls in their semi-final encounter against Bristol, who took an early 2 - 0 lead, and with Cardiff unable to close the deficit, Bristol sailed into the final 6 – 2.

Although obviously disappointed, the 2s had at least made it through to a third place play-off against Loughborough. Cardiff this time won more convincingly, with Dan Morris winning 2 - 0 and pinching highest break from Ben Davies with a 40, while Taylor won his first frame by more than three snookers to win 6 - 3. Although the 1sts failed to live up to their own expectations, the 2nd team were crowned BUSA Snooker Team Trophy Bronze medallists.

Sport gairrhydd

The annual Cardiff v Swa nsea grudge match

Clash of th e Titans 25 spor ts, only 1 win ner

Your compre

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Sport preview Varsity 2007: centre pages

High-flying Gym Gym snatch vital point against Engin and are now on the brink of winning the Premiership to Varsity

2007

PHOTO: Ed Salter

BY GYM

Eilian Hughes IMG Reporter

IMG Football: Premiership

Gym Gym 1 - 1 Engin

GYM GYM moved one step closer to clinching the IMG Premiership title after battling out a draw with current holders Engin.

Last year’s Division One champions now only need a draw against Thunderkatz to secure the coveted Premiership title, after coming from behind to snatch a point against Engin.

Engin showed grit and determination to prevent Gym Gym from winning the championship with a week to

spare.

But Gym Gym are clear favourites to lift the Premiership trophy, even though nearest rivals AFC History are still in the race.

History missed a great chance to increase the pressure on Gym Gym when they were held to a 4-4 draw by Zoology. The title-chasers currently lie three points behind Gym Gym with one game left.

To stand any chance of winning the title, History must beat AFC Cathays and hope Gym Gym lose to Thunderkatz. But the Group D winners have struggled in the Premiership so far, with only one victory in six matches.

The match started sharply with both teams struggling to find a rhythm.

However, Engin exerted the early pressure and secured the lion’s share of possession in midfield. Their tactic of playing on the last man of Gym Gym’s defence provided a few nervous moments.

Nevertheless, Engin failed to capitalise on this early dominance until later in the half. Striker Richard Veale pounced on a loose ball and duly dispatched it past the helpless Gym Gym goalkeeper, Owain Jones.

After the break, Gym Gym felt compelled to counter Engin’s ascendancy in midfield by making a tactical change. Thomas Rhys Davies entered the fray to provide strength in the centre of the park.

Indeed, the tweaking seemed to work, as Gym Gym slowly found their

way into the game. Several chances were created, but none of them were converted.

As the clock wound down and the tension began to mount, Dafydd Evans came on to provide a spark for Gym Gym. And his trickery seemed to dazzle the organised Engin defence.

Eventually, with approximately eight minutes left, Gym Gym grabbed a vital equaliser. Mathew Phillips’ hopeful flick picked out striker Alun Williams, who beat the advancing Engin goalkeeper with a looping header.

The goal sparked wild celebrations from Gym Gym, which reverberated around Pontcanna.

But the hard work has not been completed yet, as the improving

Thunderkatz will be determined to end their season on a high.

Elsewhere, CARBS recorded an 8-1 win over bottom-of-the-table AFC Cathays, who are still looking for their first Premiership point. But CARBS’ title hopes faded away last Sunday when they lost to History 4-3.

Meanwhile, MOMED shared the spoils with Thunderkatz in a game which finished 0-0. MOMED have now slipped to seventh in the table, while Thunderkatz have risen to fifth following their 6-3 win over AFC Cathays last Sunday.

Although Engin are currently fourth, they can still finish in second if results go their way. But the champions will finish no higher than third if History beat AFC Cathays.

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY AMY: “I’D LIKE TO HAVE BEEN A RAINBOW” MENON LIKES THE FOAM FINGER BEN: “SOMETIMES I’LL BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND THINK I HAVE AN UNDO BUTTON” PERRI: STILL IN CHARGE, GOT IT? THURSDAY OFFICIALLY OVER FOLLOWING SKINS FINALE “RIDLER’S COLUMN HAS REALLY BEEN A DISASTER FROM THE BEGINNING” - MENON SIGNS OWN DEATH WARRANT PIZZA DEMOLISHED IN WORLD-BEATING 26 SECONDS NEWS ADAM ASSAULTED BY UNIDENTIFIED LAMPPOST

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SATURDAY

MARCH.31.2007 TV@gairrhydd.COM

Dr Who

31

Love + Hate

Tricky Quickies

Channel 4 News

Built For The Kill

ITV1 10.50am

Channel 4 7.35pm

five 11.00am

BBC1 8.00pm

BBC2 11.35pm

7:00am Breakfast 11:00am Saturday Kitchen 12:30pm A Taste of My Life 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:10pm Football Focus 2:00pm World Swimming Championships 3:15pm Rugby League: Challenge Cup 5:30pm Final Score 6:25pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:45pm All New Just for Laughs 7:15pm The National Lottery People's Quiz 8:00pm Doctor Who 8:45pm Any Dream Will Do I saw an advert for Disneyland in which I was told that it was ‘the place where dreams come true.’ However, last night I had a dream in which I was helping my mate Alex fit his new Tom-Tom nagivation system, and slipped with the screwdriver, causing several hundreds of pounds worth of damage. I think I’ll be giving Disneyland a miss this year 9:45pm The National Lottery People's Quiz 10:05pm Casualty 10:55pm BBC News; Weather 11:15pm Match of the Day 12:35am Cricket World Cup Highlights 1:35am Friday Night with Jonathan Ross THIS IS A LIE! IT IS ACTUALLY VERY EARLY ON A SUNDAY. IT ALSO IMPLIES THAT JONATHAN ROSS IS FUNNY AND DESERVES HIS OWN TV SHOW. THIS IS ALSO A LIE. THE BBC DOES NOTHING BUT LIE. JUST ASK TONY BLAIR. I”M WRITING IN CAPITALS BECAUSE I AM EXTREMELY ANGRY. 2:40am Joins BBC News 24 6:00am Cricket World Cup

7:00am CBeebies:Teletubbies 7:30am Balamory 7:50am Step Inside 8:00am CBBC:Batfink 8:05am Arthur 8:30am The Underdog Show on CBBC 9:00am Watch My Chops 9:15am Mona the Vampire 9:30am Stitch Up 10:00am Hider In The House 11:00am The Underdog Show on CBBC 11:30am Time Warp Trio 11:50am Secret Show Yes, it’s so secret it’s in the listings.

12:00pm Krypto the Superdog 12:30pm The Fairly Odd Parents 12:45pm Sportsround 1:00pm See Hear 1:45pm Coast 1:55pm Stardust: The Bette Davis Story 3:25pm Now, Voyager 5:20pm Animal Park 6:05pm Meerkat Manor 6:30pm Meerkat Manor 6:55pm The Man Who Never Was 8:35pm The Culture Show Speaking of Culture and like, there’s this great fanzine called CULTURE VULTURE. Yeah! You can pick it up from uber cool places like Spillers, Blackwells, Clwb, Xpressradio, Buffalos, my gaff. It talks about all manner of music (not just the NME’s latest wank stains) is uber DIY, which is just downright endearing yeah? And if your attention span doesn’t last that long, there’s pictures too!

Yeah! x2. Also, it’s the launch party soon too, Cardiff’s usual indie kids will be there! Yeah! x3. So to summarise: read CULTURE VULTURE! 9:25pm A Tribute to John Inman 10:05pm The Quiet American 11:35pm Love + Hate 1:00am The Grumpy Guide to Design 1:30am The Culture Show 2:20am Naqoyqatsi

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Engie Benjy 7:20am Pocoyo 7:35am Dora the Explorer 7:55am Mickey Mouse Clubhouse 8:25am Lilo and Stitch 8:50am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:10am Avatar 9:35am Kim Possible 10:10am SpongeBob SquarePants 10:25am CITV:Horrid Henry 10:35am CITV:Bel's Boys 10:50am CITV:Tricky Quickies 10:55am CITV:Art Attack 11:20am CITV:The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 11:30am CITV:Drake and Josh 12:00pm CITV:King Arthur's Disasters 12:30pm CITV:CITV Meets The Robinsons 1:00pm Saturday Cooks 2:30pm ITV News; Weather 2:35pm ITV Wales News and Weather 2:40pm Doctor Dolittle 5:20pm Creature Comforts 5:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:45pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 6:00pm All New You've Been Framed!

Does anyone remember Jeremy Beadle and his ‘poor’ hand. Yep? He used to hide it beneath his ‘good’ hand, apparantly it’s just a bit small. I’ve never seen it, you?

6:30pm Harry Hill's TV Burp 7:00pm Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 9:50pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

10:55pm The Dame Edna Treatment 11:55pm ITV News; Weather 12:10am Me, Myself and Irene 2:15am ITV Play: Make Your Play 4:50am Don't Move, Improve 5:25am Don't Move, Improve 6:00am ITV Nightscreen

7:00am The Cubeez 7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Goalissimo! 9:00am The Morning Line 9:50am T4:Friends 10:20am T4:Musicool 11:25am T4:Popworld 12:15pm T4:High School Dance 1:20pm T4:Shipwrecked 2007: The Hut Cam Diaries WATCH SHIPWRECKED AND WATCH JOE! JOE STONE! HE IS GREAT. COMEDIC INSIGHT COUPLED WITH A HEAVY DOSE OF CYNICAL REALISM ALL WHILE SPORTING AN INDIE BOY HAIRCUT! NO SERIOUSLY, LIKE A FEW WEEKS AGO, HIS PET GERI II DIED, THE POOR BOY SOLDIERED ON, BURIED HIS CHICK WHILST RECITING THE LYRICS TO GOODBYE BY THE SPICE GIRLS. AND YES WE ARE TYPING IN CAPS AS IT FILLS MORE SPACE! VOTE FOR HIM. OR ALTERNATIVELY GO ON THE FORUMS AND SAY HE HAS A MASSIVE SCHLONG. EITHER ONE WILL HELP HIS EGO. FANX! 1:55pm T4:Shipwrecked 2007: Battle of the Islands JOE IS YOUR NEW FAVOURITE ISLANDER 3:00pm Channel 4 Racing from Newcastle and Kempton Park 5:10pm Location, Location, Location 5:45pm Deal or No Deal Classic 6:35pm Monarchy with David Starkey 7:35pm Channel 4 News 8:05pm Born Survivor: Bear Grylls 9:05pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune 10:05pm About Schmidt 12:25am Batman 2:45am They 4:15am Last Train 4:20am Pyromania 5:20am The Medici: Godfathers of the Renaissance 6:20am Countdown

7:00am Sunrise 7:55am Franklin 8:25am Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 8:35am Little Princess 8:55am Make Way for Noddy 9:10am Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:25am Harry and His Bucket Full of Dinosaurs Also known as: Jurassic Park: the Early Years 9:40am Rupert Bear 9:50am Rupert Bear 10:05am Ebb and Flo 10:10am Peppa Pig 10:20am Fifi and the Flowertots 10:35am Jane and the Dragon 11:05am The Gadget Show 11:55am World's Strongest Man 1:00pm Built for the Kill 1:30pm Paint Your Wagon 4:25pm Kundun 6:50pm Terms of Endearment Asshat, Bumeyes, Dickhead, Willyface, Bag of Wank, Fucksmith, Fuckwit, Cocklegs, Sack of Tits, Cuntmouth... i’ve just been distracted by TV Marshall opening up his uncooked Rustlers, TO EAT IT, declaring that there is a penis groove in his bap. A PENIS GROOVE IN HIS FUCKING BAP! Is there nothing sacred in this world? He is now feeling ill. Use this as a tale of caution.

9:00pm five news 9:10pm NCIS 10:05pm CSI:NY 11:05pm Law and Order 12:05am Grey's Anatomy 1:05am Grey's Anatomy 2:00am The Dead Zone 2:45am The Dead Zone 3:35am Alias 4:10am Alias 4:55am The Gadget Show 5:40am Russell Grant's Postcards 5:50am Russell Grant's Postcards 6:00am Russell Grant's Postcards 6:10am Wildlife SOS 6:40am Wildlife SOS

8:00pm The Real Hustle 8:15pm The Real Hustle 8:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 9:25pm Top Gear 10:25pm Little Britain 10:55pm The Most Annoying Pop Songs...We Hate to Love 1:25am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:55am Two Pints Outtakes 2:25am Ideal 2:55am Rush Hour 3:25am The Real Hustle 3:55am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Top Fictional Dogs: 1. Scooby Doo 2. Gromit 3. The Andrex Dog 4. Santa’s Little Helper 5. Hong King Phooey 6.

Wishbone 7. Beethoven 8. Spike 9.

Lassie 10. Pluto 11. Churchill 12. Deputy Dog 13. Spot the Dog 14.

Mutley 15. Milo 16. Krypto the Superdog 17. Kudjo 18. Wellard 19.

McGruff, the Crime Dog 20. Astro from the Jetson 21. Brian (Family Guy) 22.

Snoopy 23. CatDog 24. Dougal 25.

Gnasher 26. Gooofy 27. Ode (Garfield)/ 28. Roobarb 29. Zero (Nightmare Before Christmas)

8:00pm Birdland: April in Paris 8:05pm Medical Mavericks 9:05pm Art of Eternity 10:05pm Abdication: A Very British Coup 11:05pm The Screenwipe Guide To TV 11:35pm Memories of Murder 1:45am Medical Mavericks 2:45am Art of Eternity 3:45am Abdication: A Very British Coup 4:45am The Screenwipe Guide To TV TV Marshall has just finished his Rustlers, he said it was like ‘FIZZY HAM’ If he could describe as a type of dance ‘it would probably be a mistimed backflip) TV Kyle has nothing to declare. TV Jazz *hiyarrrr* also has nothing to share, apart from the fact that i haven’t had time to read my newspaper today, which pains me a little. Back to TV Kyle, he has just been confirmed as the new face of Evian.

Fact. Now TV Kyle and TV Ben are discussing POM BEAR showers.

And laughing a lot. I don’t know the joke and that’s probably best.

7:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 8:20am MacDonald's Farm 9:25am Bag People 9:30am Bug Alert! 9:45am The Wheels on the Bus 9:50am Teleshopping 10:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 1:10pm Coronation Street Omnibus 3:35pm Holiday Showdown 4:35pm Australian Princess 5:35pm ITV at the Movies 6:05pm Smallville 7:00pm Smallville 7:55pm Smallville 8:50pm Australian Princess 9:50pm Back to the Future 12:00am US Marshals 1:40am Test Drive My Girlfriend 2:10am ITV Play: Make Your Play 4:40am Emmerdale Omnibus Tonight my housemate Rosie is going to her Psychology Ball thingy, Lysno has an Optom essay, Emma is getting shagged, Alex is at choir and Zoe is possibly watching Band of Brothers.

And I’m here. ACE!

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am E4 Music's A List 10:00am Our Showbiz Mates JOE 11:00am E4 Music's Feisty Females JOE 3:00pm 4Music Presents... 3:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 6:00pm Friends JOE 6:30pm Friends JOE 6:55pm The Simple Life: Interns 7:25pm Shipwrecked 2007: The Hut Cam Diaries Watch, Joe, he’s great. 7:55pm Shipwrecked 2007: Battle of the Islands Watch Joe! 9:00pm Friends JOE 9:30pm Friends JOE 10:00pm The Comedians' Comedian JOE 1:00am Transmission With T-Mobile 2:05am 4Music Presents... JOE 2:40am The Simple Life: Interns 3:10am Transmission With T-Mobile 4:10am Shipwrecked 2007: The Hut Cam Diaries WATCH JOE 4:30am Shipwrecked 2007: Battle of the Islands JOE! 5:30am Switched 5:50am Switched 6:15am Switched 6:35am Switched

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Goalissimo! 9:00am The Morning Line 9:50am Musicool 10:50am Friends 11:15am Friends 11:45am High School Dance 12:45pm Shipwrecked 2007: The Hut Cam Diaries 1:15pm The OC 2:05pm Beauty and the Geek 3:00pm Channel 4 Racing from Newcastle and Kempton Park 3:45pm Y Clwb Rygbi 5:55pm Newyddion 6:00pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 8:25pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 8:40pm Hwyl y Noson Lawen 9:10pm Cor Cymru 10:25pm Saith Gair Olaf Crist 10:45pm O'r Galon: Mae Gen I Ofn 11:15pm Saith Gair Olaf Crist 11:25pm About Schmidt 1:45am Bremner, Bird and Fortune 2:45am Transmission With TMobile 3:40am The River's Edge 5:05am KOTV

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