gairrhydd OCTOBER.08.2007
21
TELEVISION
TV@gairrhydd.COM
!TELLY! in Technicolour
HOT Serious Cat: Serious Cat is cocking ace, despite what some individuals at student media think. It is the best thing I have ever invented and so I say, long live Serious Cat and long may his pointless imparting of dull knowledge continue to baffle and bemuse students who have stumbled onto this technicolour nightmare. Peace. x
FILMS Sleepy Hollow, C4, Saturday Directed by Tim I’m boning Helena Bonham Carter Burton, Sleepy Hollow stars Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci. The tale is loosely based on the legend of the headless horseman, I saw it when i was twelve and got a bit scared, but it’s pretty cool/stylish/gory. Eurotrip, BBC1, Friday This touching documentary follows a group of mature American travellers who inter-rail across Europe in search of different cultures and spirituality. There is even an appearance from a legendary british thespian and some stunning camerawork. Director Jeff Schaffer is one of the modern masters of Mise En Scene, quite simply spellbinding!
ITV are terrible. The Rugby World Cup is one of the few sporting events that I truly look forward to every four years. However, every time around a little part of me dies inside, when I remember that some idiot allowed ITV the sole broadcasting rights to the RWC, the televisual equivelant of allowing Chris Benoit to babysit your kids. Jim Rosenthal is about as charismatic as a damp, beige v-neck sweater, yet simultaenously managing to exude some sort of seething aggression. I’m sure I’m not the only one to notice the simularity between Rosenthal and a crocodile. The beady eyes, the wide grin filled with tiny teeth, the pointed snout, all the signs are there. However, it’s not just his terrifying appearance that unnerves me, every time I am forced to watch his smug, shit-eating grin on TV, it’s also his England Tourettes. The man simply cannot go for an entire match without making reference to England’s
fluke 2003 World Cup win, or His Sainted Majesty Wilkinson. Case in point, the recent South Africa vs Tonga rugby match was actually pretty ace for a bystander to watch, but Blurty Rosenthal couldn’t even let us enjoy that. Instead he was refering back to whatever England were doing which included, arriving, getting off the bus and warming up, all of which I could have quite easily gone without knowing and my rugbywatching life would have been none the worse. Also, his insistence of fawning all over that boulder headedtosser Martin Johnson grates to the extent of very nearly driving me insane. No matter how much I hate the guy, I have to admit that the blame for the utter failure of ITV’s RWC coverage isn’t entirely
his fault. Will Greenwood also has to step up and take his bow, for this atrocity. Hands like a Parkinsons sufferer, this lumpen oaf wanders around gurning and making self-referential jokes whilst simultaneously fulfilling every stereotype that has ever existed about Public School tossers. Francois Pienaar is no better, standing impassively like a hairless muppet, only surfacing to make some inane point about how he wore contact lenses. I mean contact lenses are great and make all our lives greater, and they are especially useful for short sighted rugger buggers ;-). U-TURN! Francois Peinaar, TV salutes you and your cuddly persona! The beeb isn’t much better with the unfor tunate presence of sour-lemon Jeremy Guscott, acting like a bitter old spinster who never found true love; he broods in his little chair spewing out backhanded compliments. Then there’s John bloody Inverdale. A sappy simon if ever I saw one, Inverdale seems to have a penchant for presenting homoerotic sporting events, like World’s Strongest Man. !TELLY! can easily imagine him pulling himself off behind the Atlas Stones. Peace out kids, and don’t have nightmares.
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Is there another individual on British television that can inspire such utter hatred as this loathsome piece of low-life scum? All smugness, and faux-laddishness, hanging is too good for him. What kind of dickhead, when discussing his financial future talks to a complete stranger in a call centre about ’the football’. I notice that Picture Loans, in order to keep this twatfarm from being associated with a particular region, make sure this utter cockteeth only vaguely alludes to professional sport and the weather. Presumably some Hoxton media twat came to the brilliant conclusion that because Picture Loans wants to appeal to ordinary people it should sound like all ordinary people live in some sort of bizarre Coronation Streetesque world, talking about the weather and football. As if the Great British public are nothing more than shit-flinging shaved apes that can be completely convinced by this sham of a man. While on the subject, what prick has to mouth to his wife how much he wants to borrow in the middle of the phone conversation, surely that’s something you’d decided beforehand. In short I hate this man and I want him dead.
NOT Media Twattery: When trying to come up with an idea for this very section, one of my esteemed colleagues told me to do a ‘Voxpop’ to establish a suitable topic. Bloody Barley-esque Hotonite media twattery of the highest order, it’s one of these nonsense words that never really seem to mean anything, like content or product.
Serious Cat says:
Composting is a biological process in which micro-organisms convert degradable organic matter into carbon dioxide and water vapour, using oxygen in the air, and leaving a bulk-reduced, stabilised residue known as compost.
SOAPS This week don’t arse yourself watching anything but Eastenders. There is a nice bit of kidnap, a court scene and some wicked cool gun crime. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy and it really should, there is always Hollyoaks. This week there’s a party and all attending are poisoned by carbon monoxide.
L:7 IK Freshers take note; these websites will save your life this year. Unless you are particularly rich, not many of you will own a TV in your halls room, and approximately 2/3 of fuck all of you will have bothered to purchase a TV License (naughty naughty!), and so how will you cope with the lack of Televisual Entertainment? Well, why not check out www.tv-links.co.uk, a veritable plethora of catalogued episodes, of everything from Scrubs for the morons among you, to Boondocks for the unutterably cool of you. Seriously, get involved and you’ll soon see you’ve eaten away. Hoorah!