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A QUARTER OF MY LiFE
words by: Isabel Brewster design by: May Collins
I wondered where I would put the love I had for him - whether it would sit in my stomach By the time I was 20, I had forever, heavy with the weight spent 5 years in a relationship. of the loss I felt. I wondered We had gotten together a how we would navigate our month after I turned 15, in the shared friendships, and summer of 2014, after meeting whether his parents, who had at school and becoming friends. supported and encouraged me We stayed together throughout for so many years, would still our GCSE’s, A-Level’s, an Art have time for me. But perhaps Foundation, and my first year most crucially, I wondered who of university. We broke up a I was without him. month before I turned 20. I didn’t feel that I knew myself I had a distinct feeling of - we shared hobbies, interests, apprehension just before I left friends, holidays. What was my hometown in Somerset mine and what was his? for university. I perhaps knew We had grown up together, that the physical distance celebrated Christmases and would highlight the differences birthdays, had favourite books between us, and force me to and favourite films. Our break reexamine how much space in up became a way for my my life my relationship took up. interest in the world outside of I didn’t feel ready to let go of my hometown, and the world my old life, and, potentially, my outside of my relationship, to relationship in the process. grow. I began to envision what I wanted my future to look like. We broke up at the end of first I thought of what I wanted for year, when we could no longer myself, over what I wanted for move forward in our lives him, and us. together. We were on different paths now, and wanted I fantasised about a lifestyle different things. It became too filled with travelling, of teaching much of a burden, required too English in France and Japan, much of a sacrifice, and we of writing in Barcelona. The needed to focus on ourselves people I would meet, the as individuals rather than as a relationships I would have, couple. the friendships I would make. I wanted to be a journalist, a
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translator, a teacher. I invested time into myself like I had never before - I read, I drew, I watched films and went on holidays. I visited family and spent more time with my friends. There were moments where it still felt painful, where the nostalgia caught in my throat, making my chest tight. But I held onto the lessons I had learnt from him, and from the time we had spent together. Our relationship taught me the meaning of home, of comfort and security. He was kind, funny and smart. He was gentle and patient. I could think of a hundred adjectives to describe him, but when it came to myself, I felt lost. The person I was throughout our relationship feels like a shadow of the person I am now. She is with me still, but detached from me, a soft presence who reminds me to be grateful for the times I have had and excited for the times to come. Relationships can be difficult to reflect on, because it requires us to look deeper into ourselves than we may feel comfortable with. But there’s power to be found in rediscovering who you are, and who you want to be.
