Quench - Issue 18

Issue 18

November 15 2004

The Guardian Student Magazine of the Year Nominee

Rags for the boys Men takeover Fashion

“I won’t be juggling or anything” Mark Thomas leads the Quench

Comedy Special Comedy: Al Pitcher, Steve Williams and Colin & Fergus Interviews - Fashion - Gay - Travel - Music - Books - Digital - Film - Arts - Food - Going Out

Film: Bridget’s back Books: Get paranormal Food: Rabbit-food diets

Contents

grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

I pity the fool...

4 6 7 8 12 15 19 22 24 32 36 38 42 43 44 47

One Trick Pony kick a man when he’s down Debate: pro choice? It’s your choice Mr Chuffy: skibby dibby-dibby...

It’s “comedy central” in Interviews Travel: More to Cuba than the missile crisis Features ponder the eternal dilemma: MEN It’s raining men in Fashion Look Out, it’s Gay... Stonewall Cymru that is Music get all political and stuff Film: the inevitable remake of The Grudge Digital get arty on the Internet Blyton battles Beowulf in Books Going Out: It’s all about Brian Sewell. Or not.

Cult Classics are bereft of boobies Food enjoy their salad days DC Gates: put some krunk in his trunk

Executive editor Gary Andrews Quench editor James Anthony Assistant to editor Elaine Morgan Arts Debbie Green, Laura Quinn, Natalie Slater Blind Date Lisa O’Brien Books Kerry-Lynne Doyle Columnist DC Gates Cult Classics Catherine Gee Debate Jessica Webb Digital Simeon RosserTrokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley, Hannah Perry Film Craig Driver, Alan Woolley Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Dave Adams Interviews Will Dean Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare, Jon Davies One Trick Pony Geordie Chris Photography Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers Sub-Editors Ken Griffin, Emma Wilkins, James Williams Travel Sarah Cummins, Laura Tovey Contributors Fergus Alexander, Floey Bennet, Peter Brown, Greg Cochrane, Brendan Coopey, Steve Crofts, Alice Curitz, Sarah Dobbs, Kyle Evans, Gage Falsht, Katrina Flack, David Ford, Sarah-Louise Godfrey, Amy Harrison, Charlotte Howells, Amy Hurst, Iain Hutchins, Lizzie Ingham, Sofie Jenkinson, Natalia Kekic, Fred Lee, Richard Lily, Colm Loughlin, Andrew Mickel, Ricky Pearson, Shell Plant, Helen Rathbone, Will Schmit, Tom Scott, Tom Seaman, Harold Shiel, James Skinner, Mike Smith, Nathalie Southall, Samuel Strang, David Sutheran, N.Thompson, Jules Thorpe-Smith, Rob Telford, Ellen Waddell, Adam Wilkinson, John Williams, James Woodroof, Dan Worth, Jade Wringe, Robert Sharples, Elgan Iorwerth, Chris Martin, Laura Davies Photographers and Illustrators Richard Lily Proof readers Sarah Cummins, Ailsa Chalk, Sarah Bayes, Chris White Quench logo Estevao Hayworth Cover design Will Dean Lesson Of The Week Björk has umlauts. Who knew?

Quench 01 09 04

3

No Fate THIS WEEK, I have been reminded that all things flow in accordance to the whim of the great magnet.

Call this what you will: God, fate, chemical chance; but I am in no doubt that whatever form it takes, it is not without a sense of humour.

Over a very protracted drinking bout last weekend, which involved (in no particular order): some chipped teeth, a broken washing machine, several hurt feelings, and the completely fabricated impersonation of a gentleman from South Africa. Cut to Sunday – a day when the dread of the week to come creeps into the edges of the psyche, making all and sundry drink quicker in the dying hours of the weekend.

Whilst enjoying a tasty bit of ska at one of the ‘Diff’s more discerning clubs, I was ‘accosted’ by a young lady. This irritated (an understatement) a good female friend of mine, who promptly turned into the proverbial green-eyed monster. After spending an agreeable evening with the former, we parted on the pretence of seeing each other again. Apologies were exchanged with the latter, and everything was right with the world.

Today, I find that I have irreversibly lost Ska-girl’s number. We have no mutual friends; I don’t know her address, I have no means of finding out. My friend laughs, albeit goodnaturedly and I can’t help a wry smile.

Sometimes, believing that ‘everything happens for a reason’ is the last refuge of a coward – a kind of ‘everything will turn out right in the end’ mentality which allows for all kinds of apathy and self-righteousness.

Religion can be like that; I’m certain that Bush believes on some level that what he’s doing is actually right. The trick is finding the happy medium between placid reassurance, and blatant self-denial.

On a smaller scale, I often banish the everyday uni-worries that threaten to become panic with this reassurance. I also wonder whether the great magnet will allow another chance meeting with said girl. After all, everything happens for a reason.

4 One Trick Pony

Dear Dairy

(Underrated)

Yes, but at least he spoke English Email A technological marvel that isn't completely pointless - how rare. It can communicate right across the world in seconds, and usually for free, if you use the university server. Email is like a proper letter, only quicker, and occasionally actually conveys some useful information. It is a viable alternative to making a phone call - I hate using the phone - and can be dealt with at the reader's leisure, with none of the implied immediacy carried by text messaging. "But you can't send money by email like you can in proper letter, like for birthdays and stuff", I hear you cry. You can with Paypal. Ha ha, I win.

Quench 15 11 04 Yes, I mean dairy.

A Doctor That Speaks English My new one does, the old one didn't. I don't think any of my readers would be surprised at what a difference it makes.

Communication can be a bit tricky at the best of times - especially with me - but when you're ill and trying to explain what's wrong to your GP the response isn't a blank stare followed by "Can't help you".

"I have had my leg taken off by kangaroo (fox)", he says.

Dramatic pause here, accompanied with a look more fitting the remedial class at school, then finally comes the reply "I just don't know what the problem is".

Thanks. I’ll sew it back on, then.

Halloween came and went, adding a bit of interestingness to an otherwise uneventful transition from October to November, and giving me an excuse to dress up like a fool and behave like an idiot. (Yes, fool and idiot are very different.) Not having the time or inclination to make a proper costume, I attended a house party dressed as a Jehovah’s Witness. This entailed wearing a suit and smiling too much. I kept in character by outstaying my welcome, possibly by several hours.

I also made the startling discovery in Solus during the last fortnight that random women don’t want to buy me drinks. This shocked me to buggery. If I were a woman, chaps would be falling over themselves to buy me drinks and get me drunk.

The remainder of this hypothetical chain of events I won’t go into. I can easily convince myself of all this though, since my sister hasn’t purchased a drink since 1999.

I hope you all noticed my first visit into ‘proper’ journalism, with my sojourn onto the political page of last week’s gair rhydd. What do you mean ‘no’? Oh, of course, you mean ‘yes’. How silly of me.

Geordie Chris

(Overrated) Mobile Phones All this fantastic new technology: picture messaging, video messaging - I imagine soon we'll be able to touch the person on the other end of the line, giving 'phone sex' a graphic new meaning. And isn't it nice to be able to get in touch with anyone, anywhere, anytime. Well, no, actually. It's a massive pain in the derriere (if you'll pardon my French). Sometimes one wishes to be left alone.

What's with text messages, anyway? Isn't it easier just to call somebody? Or would that involve too great a need for actual conversation, rather than the pointless commentary and puerile jokes that are the norm.

Pigeons They just seem to have no fear of humankind, the insolent little creatures. I can walk right up to them and they'll only get out of the way of my tramping feet at the very last minute, when most species would have long been running for cover. No respect. None at all. I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be eyeballed by a disgusting, disease-spreading bird (no, not you love). Or to witness them defecating on the statue of one of England's greatest military figures, Admiral Lord Nelson. I don't care if he did only have one eye and one arm, it's just not on. I urge our readers to kick pigeons at every opportunity.

Good to talk. Is it? IS IT?

( L e g e n d )

C

hris Morris is the rightful King of Comedy. His two best-known works, The Day Today and Brass Eye, parodies of news programming and Newsnight/Crimewatch-type shows respectively, can have me in a fit of giggling like a newlylobotomised loon with free access to the laughing-gas taps.

Morris is an unrivalled satirist, and isn’t afraid to risk offending people - as evidenced by the 2000 complaints to Channel 4 about the Brass Eye 2001 special. He has not only avoided compromising his work, but has also avoided the lure of big-money advertising, and rarely talks to the media. He refuses to become a member of what Will Self described as the “oxymoronic

incarnation, television personalities”, that Morris mocks so well.

Indeed, it is Morris’s celebrity spoofs that make Brass Eye - he shows perfectly the ridiculous things celebrities will say for a bit of self-publicity. For example, Dr. Fox’s claim that paedophiles share more genes with crabs than other people. Morris also convinced David Amess MP to question Parliament regarding the fictitious substance ‘cake’, despite having been told that it is a ‘made up drug’, on behalf of the non-existent awareness groups Free the United Kingdom from Drugs, and British Oppostion to Metabolically Bisturbile Drugs (F.U.K.D. and B.O.M.B.D.) People stupid enough to fall for that fully deserve to be mocked in public.

Chris Morris

A

OTP 5

“Very Sexy”

( T o s s e r )

s I write this, the Palestinian president is currently on a life plug in France, in a coma, reportedly with liver failure. Despite his wife’s claims to the contrary, he’ll probably die fairly soon.

Who says there’s no such thing as natural justice?

Arafat is - rightly - reviled by the Israeli government as a terrorist, and is accused of fostering violence. At the very least Arafat has failed to prevent attacks against Israelis - but then the charter of the PLO states that “armed struggle is the only way to liberate Palestine”. The man simply won’t be told that attacks against civilians are unacceptable. For

this,Israel and the US won’t deal with him.

He is, however, loved by his own people, which I don’t understand, since Arafat is an obstacle to peace and has been for years.

Had he accepted the generous offer of a Palestinian state at Camp David - consisting of 96% of the West Bank and Gaza - the middle east would be a very different place. Arafat, however, would probably have found himself surplus to requirements in a democratic new state.

He has also refused to groom a successor for fear of competition, so his imminent death will leave a power vacuum, resulting in yet more bloodshed.

Yasser Arafat "Does your child smell odd? It might sound strange, but playing HOECS games can actually make your child smell like hammers."

- ‘Television personality’ Richard Blackwood on the dangers of the internet, Brass Eye special.

final thoughts (...)

Arafat: shocked

"Aren’t we all a bunch of fuckwits, An elephant could no more get its trunk up its arse, Than we could lick our balls."

- Nicolas Parsons’ cleverly edited poem, Brass Eye episode ‘Animals’.

6 Debate

Abortion Lisa 0’Brien

Helen Rathbone FOR

T

his is no clear-cut issue. The slogan ‘pro-choice’ has often been cited by pro-abortion campaigners, implying that women who opt for an abortion have made a positive choice. Yet is this the case? Having an abortion is a life-changing, irreversible procedure that will play on a woman’s mind for the rest of her life. It is not an easy decision, but a necessary and personal choice that only she can make. Who are we to moralise and criticise a woman for making such an intimate and challenging decision?

Condemning abortion is all too easy if you have never been in the terrifying situation of being faced with an unwanted pregnancy. If you have been through it yourself, or know someone who has, it soon becomes apparent that the choice between keeping and ‘getting rid of it’ is all-consuming, taking up each hour of your day. To anyone reading my argument with the opposing view, place yourself in that situation. How would you feel if you became pregnant in your late teens/early twenties? Would you give up your university degree or eagerly awaited career in order to keep a child that you may resent for the rest of your life, and who in return, may resent you?

How would you feel if you found out that you were an unwanted child only brought into the world because your mother had been unethically coerced by the doctor/relatives into keeping you on the grounds of their own ‘moral’ view? Whether abortion is the right route will depend upon individual circumstances. I am in favour of abortion where keeping the child would not only result in psychological damage to the mother, but also an unstable and unsafe environment for the child; I am not suggesting that abortion is always the way to go. It should not be viewed as an emergency form of contraception, but should be viewed as a last resort.

This last resort should be offered and given to all who feel they need it. Rather than arguing that we should not kill unnecessarily, is it not of more value and importance to improve things for those already alive rather than making desperate attempts to preserve a ‘life’ that has barely begun?

AGAINST

T

he abortion debate is likely to affect most people to some extent during their lives; whether it is just the discussion with friends or partners considering the "what ifs", or being faced with the decision yourself.

However, despite this relevance to our everyday lives, we are largely ignorant of the facts and realities of abortion. A recent Marie Stopes survey revealed that a large majority of British women are unsure about the legal rights and medical options concerning the termination of pregnancies, yet one in three British women will have a termination at some point during their lives. I feel this is the biggest injustice in the abortion debate: facts and figures are brushed under the carpet, while hundreds of thousands of women every year make the most fundamental and personal decision of their lives without the relevant information to make that decision. I feel the pro-choice movement (a term coined by pro–abortion campaigners) have neglected the importance of informed choice.

Recently the film-maker Julia Black made a documentary entitled My Foetus, which was intended to open up the abortion debate, and indeed it did. The documentary was criticised and acclaimed in equal measures, the majority of criticisms came in response to the broadcasting of a vacuum pump abortion and pictures of the four-week-old aborted foetus on a petri dish. Was this just a gratuitous shock tactic of a pro-life fanatic? No, this was an intelligent mother to be, who had herself undergone an abortion in her early twenties, wanting to unveil the secrecy of abortion.

I am not completely opposed to abortion and feel that put in that traumatic situation no one other than the woman herself is in a position to judge what course of action she should take. How have we got to this state where in the 21st Century 23% of all conceptions are aborted?

Contraception is widely available and we are not ignorant to the concept of safe sex. I understand that mistakes happen, and in these situations women need support and help. In certain situations an abortion may be the right decision for that woman. My fear is that abortion is considered as a failsafe, or an alternative form of contraception, which it is not.

Neither is it the case that abortions are predominantly used by young girls who were unaware of the consequences, as women aged 20-29 years account for half of all abortions.

Abortion is a life changing experience with irreversible consequences; it is not something that can be undertaken lightly.

Mr Chuffy

hatemail@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

7

Mr Chuf fy Investigates...

The Joy of Scat

B

ored of missionary monotony?

Indifferent to doggy? Overcome by anal ambivalence? Never satiated, sexual hedonists everywhere are rejoicing, bathing in the sticky brown vat of joy that is Scat.

The closet of sexual deviance is open for business and with special offers on faecal-based fornication, Scatology is going mainstream.

“Don’t give me that crap”, I hear you cry in a highbrow Ant and Dec comedy stylee. “You want me to shit on the missus?” Not strictly accurate, Scatologists like to refer to the practice as the ‘release of steaming solid love’. And not just on the trouble and strife, as the bohemian Scatological revolution advocates a libertarian approach to monogamy; shit on thy neighbour.

One might assume that Scat had recently emerged from an underground Amsterdam dungeon of depravity, yet the custom dates back to ancient Egyptian times, just after the dinosaurs got dead. In the

absence of vinegar, human excretion was the embalming oil of choice for deceased kings, due to its unrivalled preservative qualities. However, it was only when King Syphilisilis IV - wrongly diagnosed dead - awoke to witness a royal aid crimping off one of Bungle’s fingers on his chest, that the practice became entrenched with pleasure.

The King reportedly gave a wry smile, later noting that it was “very warm”.

Scatology though, unlike many of the modern day egotistical sexual indulgences is a bilateral experience of sensuality. The administrator, or ‘Scator’, receives both the sexual gratification of domination, plus mind-blowing stimulation of the prostate gland as the Cleveland Steamer is steadily emitted. The host of the backdoor love-ejection, or ‘Scatee’ suffers not only the happy sex of total subservient submission but also the exfoliating benefits of brown porridge.

Scat is a multi-pound business, with the Scatology motion picture market dominated by Norway.

Norwegian defecations are messier than their western-European counterparts, rather like treacle. A diet high in reindeer meat is thought to account for this most lucrative of phenomena.

This coupled with the fact that Norwegians rarely insist upon double time on a Sunday has allowed total command of the market. However, Scat is not always a steaming pile of success stories. Walter Waste, once Britain’s premier star of the ‘Scat Screen’ is now unemployed living in a Rhyll bedsit, a victim of the excessive demands of the business.

“One day I just couldn’t go”, explained Walter with a pained grimace, “I don’t know whether it was stage fright but I just had nothing left to give”. So, with one phantom defecation, Walter went from the Poop Daddy to the Puff Daddy. Walter has not passed

waste for seven and a half years, and now weighs a gut-busting 82 stone.

Doctors say he could blow at any moment, and advise against the use of naked flames. Quench conducts the interview behind a perplex screen.

“There’s no loyalty in scat”, cries the abandoned ex-star, “It’s a shit business”. This is a sentiment echoed by many victims of the unregulated booming back street Scat business.

Naïve fame-seekers are taken in, blinded by the dream of wealth and notoriety. Many are rigorously exploited until they shit out their spine, with the streets of Soho increasingly littered with cack-sodden jellyfish.

In a society of elevated tolerance and inclusion, Scat is going mainstream. ‘Poop Idol’ the latest brainchild of celebrity life-wrecker Simon Cowell, will consist of a onceweekly national search for the next big star of the ‘Scat Screen’. In an unprecedented theatrical move, Scat: The Musical is planned to make its West End debut in time for Christmas. The latest Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber production is a painful tale of unrequited love, with the rumour mill linking Darren Day with a starring role.

Not everyone though is singing from the same soiled hymn sheet. Neo-conservative Republican-voting siblingshafting rednecks, not content with recent electoral success, now seek the prohibition of Scat. Parent groups have already outlawed the use of scattergraphs from the schooling syllabus in twelve US states, and in Nevada the village scatterbrain got beaten ‘special’ by a mob wielding sticks.

There seems little likelihood that the fun-spoilers will be able to poop this party. The message from the Scat camp is one of all-encompassing inclusive free love, with the self-styled 90s pop sensation (now dead) Scatman John scatting in the face of the discriminators. With tears welling, I leave you with the evocative call to arms by the late, great forefather of the revolution: “If the Scatman can do it baby so can you, I’m the Scatman”.

“As a matter of fact don’t let nothin’ hold you back...”

8

I n t e r v i e w

grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

15 11 04

Thomas the tank Mark Thomas, Britain’s foremost political comedian, takes time out from his massive UK tour to talk to Will Dean about the US elections and being spied on by MPs

T

here is a small cottage near my home in Oldham. Said cottage is the constituency residence of Michael Meacher, Labour MP and a former Labour Minister of the Environment. His blatant hypocrisy on housing policy (he and his wife owned 12 houses) was exposed by a stand-up comedian who took a banner proclaiming "Homeowners for the Environment" to a speech Meacher was making about helping the planet. Excellent.

The comedian in question was Mark Thomas. Thomas is one of Britain’s most important comedians.

He recently finished the seventh series of his inspired Channel 4 show The Mark Thomas Product and has been trekking up and down Britain with his latest tour which takes in hijacking arms dealers, getting arrested for chaining himself to a minibus anti-roll bar, and the evils of CocaCola.

Quench caught up with the self confessed ‘authority annoyance’ as he headed to Stafford on the 17th date of his UK tour. This, his third tour in two years, is billed as a comedy show, although Mark confesses that he "won’t be going round dressed as a clown and juggling or anything".

Mark will bring serious issues, predominantly his recent trip to Columbia to find out about the death of tradeunionists who challenged Coke bosses and paid the price with their lives. Even his tour poster is a mock-up of the Coke logo.

Thomas doesn’t hold high hopes for whoever is victorious in the US election (we

talked on the eve of voting).

"I don’t think there Is a huge deal of difference between Bush and Kerry.

Certainly their foreign policy isn’t hugely different, but the foreign policy of America will never be hugely different. American foreign policy tends to follow in a set pattern in the way that British foreign policy does. To be honest, I think Bush will get it. If Kerry gets in, I think it will send a message of, well, hope really to the rest of the world.” And how right he was.

I assumed Mark would be a vehement critic of Tony Blair, but to my surprise the comic defended the Premier’s actions in following America to Iraq. "I think whoever had been Prime Minister, well, it would have taken an exceptional Prime Minister to not follow Bush. So you can see the two foreign policies do follow fairly set tramlines."

During the Product’s run on C4, Mark accomplished a number of astonishing feats. These include hijacking a train full of nuclear waste (very easily), making Nestle change their sales methods and ad campaigns (not so easily), and driving a tank into McDonalds (nice). But which of his various challenges to authority is he the most proud of?

"If I had to put my hand on my heart and say which one am I proudest of, it’d be for three of the programmes that received less attention than any of the others, which were about the Export Credit Guarantee Department (which provided a taxpayersubsidised exportinsurance that protected companies who provided arms to countries such as Iraq). We managed A tank: Mark ’s weapon of choice at McDonald’s to drag it screaming and kicking into the spotlight".

As you expect with someone who has taken on conglomerates such as Nike and Adidas (Mark used a primary school class to question Adidas’ global affairs director), he has had his fair share of hairy moments.

"We’ve had some runins. We actually got Thomas: John Pilger with laughs? some stuff out of the data-protection act that showed government ministers were asking civil servants to dig for dirt on me. But it’s not scary, it’s just very funny and I’m very proud of the fact that a minister has gone to that trouble. Columbia was the scariest place I’ve been to, just ‘cause of the threat you see all around."

It’s unlikely high-ranking politicians would do the same to Harry Hill. This is why Mark Thomas is such an important figure, dubbed John Pilger with laughs, as much a political agitator as comedian. Sit up, take note, and listen. Here is proof that one person can make a difference in the corrupt, unsanitary and downright depressing world we live in. Don’t drive tanks into McDonalds though, you will get in trouble.

Mark Thomas plays at The Sherman on Monday 29 and Tuesday 30 November

Stevie Wonder

Interview

9

Fresh from Edinburgh sell-outs comedian Steve Williams talks to Colm Loughlin

S

teve Williams is in a good mood. He’s talkative and giddy.

Describing his comedy as "observational, surreal slapstick" he seems to have all the bases covered, but what is he trying to say?

“What I’m trying to do is have a laugh and hopefully help people enjoy their evening. There are amazing satirical comedians who are very good at what they do, but I’m just trying to make you go (makes chuckling noise)".

Steve’s also a bit of a fanboy comic "I tend to like, you know, Eddie Izzard and people like Ross Noble, he’s amazing. I just think sparks fly, his imagination is unbelievable".

I wonder if Steve feels obliged to be funny on his off-time; do his mates get a look in? "Oh yeah, a lot of my friends are funnier than me. I think anybody can be funny given any moment. There’s no rules, I’m not competitive with it. If somebody says something funny then I’ll laugh, otherwise I’d be like the Saddam Hussain of comedy - laugh when I say and

“Saddam Hussain? He must be thinking why me? He’s lost the dictator lottery!” at no other time!"

Perhaps inevitably, Steve is troubled by the whole situation in Iraq. "I find it quite.... I think it’s, um, personally I think the justification that they went to war on has fallen apart. Therefore, in hindsight, I see it as being massively illegal and very dangerous. It’s a bit like putting petrol on a fire. At the time I thought it was a legitimate thing to do".

Steve goes on to lament Saddam’s predicament, given all the other tyrannies still in operation "He must be thinking how come it’s him? He lost

the Dictator lottery, he’s been chosen as dictator of the month."

Steve is hesitant to offer a judgement on the plight of comedians who get locked up for making jokes about the regimes they live under. "Um, that’s difficult. We prize the freedom of speech, it’s a big thing, being a comedian is using that freedom. In other countries they don’t necessarily have that, but then their culture is not the same as ours. So it’s easy for me to say ‘well it’s not right,’ but that’s the way they live isn’t it?

I’m not saying it’s right I’m just trying not to say it’s wrong either.

I’m trying to sit on the smallest fence ever." I resist the temptation to suggest the fence might be labelled ‘default relativist’ and move on.

Steve studied History at college. "I remember sitting down and thinking FOUR HOURS A WEEK! Magic! Then four years later I came out with a 2:1, ‘hey everybody come and employ me.

What?! You don’t like people who work four hours a week?’ I couldn’t even get work as a babysitter with this degree. I haven’t found it that relevant really".

He did enjoy the lifestyle though "I think it’s fantastic, someone said to me when I was at college that it’s, ‘minimum

responsibility, maximum freedom’.”

I ask Steve if comedy is still the new rock‘n’roll. "Nah, I’d say the WI. The Women’s Institute is the new rock ‘n’ roll. They’re reclaiming the daycentres for the old people, they’re throwing down their knitting needles, and they’re wrecking their giant sewing machines in the hope that pensioners will be put back on the map.”

Quench offers the opinion that all comedians want to retire with a sitcom. Steve sort of agrees: "I don’t know if every comedian wants to do a sitcom. Um, I think it happens, doesn’t it? Most comedians do, even Billy Connolly’s done one in America. I mean there is that kind of thing out there. I think what I’m gonna do is use a large human canon and fire myself out at my career, see where I land".

John Peel died the day before this interview. I finish by asking Steve if he has any thoughts. "Why what’s he done?" As I explain to Steve, the dictaphone mysteriously turns itself off, which seems somehow appropriate.

Steve Williams plays in Seren Las as part of The Comedy Network on November 23.

Williams: “I’d say the Womens’ Institute were the new rock’n’roll.”

10

Interview

Pitcher this

Al Pitcher, New Zealand’s hottest new comic and the voice of Foster’s beer, talks to Andrew Mickel

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hink of New Zealand, and you lers, it’s no surprise Al’s done a lot of think of rugby, hobbits, and lots compère work, even to the Far East. out at he s e m o (lots) of sheep. Increasingly, "I’ve done loads of compèring, I still "It c ck in t ilk o l c ’ o though, comedians are coming here do in the big clubs, but the one in three R1’s The M from New Zealand and Australia at a Korea was a mile from the big g( y faster rate than we ever sent crimiAmerican military base in Seoul, so it mornin os I’m prett C nals there. Al Pitcher is one of them was kind of weird, in a Vietnam way." un). hough R t l A . e (comedians, rather than criminals), So what would drive a comedian to tim n prime prime time i and is performing as part of this the UK when Korea’s obviously in ” year’s Comedy Network. such dire need of cheering up? "I’ve that is w Zealand! e In his short career, Al has already got a British passport, so I always N managed to make the finals of both thought I’d come. And there’s, like, a the Daily Telegraph Open Mic and hundred odd gigs in time, you know. It’s prime time in New Channel 4’s So You Think You’re London alone, Zealand actually. It’s not too bad."

Funny Awards, compèred for large whereas in New The enthusiasm is hardly billowing, comedy events, and has just finished Zealand there’s until the mention of the magic word: a successful show at this year’s one. But I’ve television. Suddenly, the comedy-sun Edinburgh Fringe. Not bad for a guy never done pops out and everything’s looking whose parents come from a town comedy in New rosy. "I’ve been working with Russell called Crocodile Dundee (This isn’t Zealand."

Howard - we’re finishing a pilot for TV, true - Ed.). Al’s staying laid back about so watch this space. That’s what they his achievements though: "It’s tough, say in interviews, isn’t it?" Maybe TV you know. I came out the other end, schedulers shouldn’t be clearing so I’m alright. I think what happens prime time just yet. "It’s about two with student gigs is that you can Yorkshire keycutters, that’s all I’ll say. just chat about anything, whereas But it’s very, very funny." when you go to normal clubs, On the evidence of his stand up, you have to be a bit reserved. odds are it will be. But it’s always Students are up for anything." good to have a fall-back plan in life.

At his recent Cardiff gig, he In this case, it’s as the voiceover guy certainly had the warm, on the Foster’s ads. "Yeah, I matey feel that foreign did the bungee jump ones. comics seem to excel at, The greatest thing is I chumming up with don’t drink and I’m from the audience New Zealand, so it’s an like old friends. amazing two fingers to "I suppose the Australians, really." that I like to So even if the keycutters get the audidon’t make it to the smallence involved, I screen, at least we’ll still Al Pitcher: (On the Fosters’ ads) “It’s two fingers to Australians!” always like to hear a lot more from Al. have a night Selling us lager in the comfort that’s a one off." of our own homes. Kudos, New Anyone who’s seen his Zealand. show can attest to how quickThe Milk Run is on Radio 1 at 3am on ly a comedian can turn ugly when the wrong buttons are Thursdays pressed. Maybe Cardiff doesn’t hold the best memories?

The international "First time I was in Cardiff, I jet-set of stand up is obviously not jumped up, banged my head on the enough though. There are big plans in light and chipped my tooth. Possibly the pipeline, like Radio One’s Milk the biggest laugh I got all night." Oh Run, which he writes for. Well, maybe dear. For all our sakes we should ‘big plans’ aren’t quite the words to hope he’s not holding a grudge. use. "It comes out at three o’clock in As a expert at slapping down heckthe morning, cos I’m pretty prime

Fringe of fame

Interview

11

Fresh from the Edinburgh festival Colin and Fergus chat to Catherine Gee

Colin and Fergus: Those were some drugs

U

nless you followed this year’s Edinburgh festival or religiously studied the posters advertising the Comedy Network around the Union you probably haven’t heard of Colin and Fergus. As one of the newest editions to the comedy circuit, they’ve received rave reviews from critics hanging around the fringe this August.

The two former drama students met at Manchester Metropolitan University, which is where they say “the foetus” of their comedy partnership was conceived. “The foetus was cryogenically frozen and reborn when we were spotted by Avalon who told us they could make us stars,” they tell me.

While said foetus was frozen, both went off to act. Notable roles include a Nazi for Colin, which he says his mother “liked him best in”.

Unsurprisingly then, it’s their sketches for which they are best known - they deservingly won “Best Sketch Show on the Fringe” judged by the Writer’s Guild of Great Britain.

Both admit sketches are their forte.

The pair are currently ‘doing’ the British comedy circuit, which includes a night in Seren Las. This should be an experience for both, as neither have graced Cardiff before. “I’ve been to a holiday camp in Wales, though,” offers Colin, although he doesn’t remember if it was a Butlins or a

Pontins. Fergus has also made it to Wales, this time on a trip to the Breacon Beacons with a former girlfriend. “We broke up while we were there,” he says, “although I don’t think it was Wales’ fault.”

The comics then discuss the possibility of using holiday camps in their repertoire, which leads to a debate over which holiday camp wears which colour coat. The idea is, however, quickly abandoned.

Their upcoming date in the union they expect to be less challenging

“It ended with a bloke downing a pint of piss.” than some of their previous shows.

“Recently we did a gig in an agricultural college in Shropshire it took place in a room with a bar and a pool table where everyone was sat drinking and we were doing comedy in the corner.” Neither expected to be much of a success at a farming college, “People choose to live on a farm for three years. I mean, it’s a dying industry!” they exclaim. “It ended with a bloke downing a pint of piss.” Hmm. We can guarantee the future holds brighter things than the challenge of Shropshire. They have plenty more gigs in the pipeline including more

comedy shows, more late-night stints on Radio One and even invites to the premier of the animated film Valiant next year. Very showbiz.

Mention of the film sparks ideas for their own animated series. “Of course we want our own series one day,” they say, when asked their aspirations for the future. As a pair who have a tendency to pull their inspiration from many facets of life, they begin to chat about the possibility of cartoon sketches. Deciding these could be about truckers “who go to different worlds in their trucks!” The interview draws to a close with the twosome fully intending to pitch the idea to the powers that be. In all fairness, it’s not been done before and with the sheer quantity of talent Colin and Fergus hold between them I wouldn’t be surprised if they pull it off.

Before then, though, they are still revelling in the critics’ adoration of their Edinburgh performance, which they modestly describe as “very nice”.

Modest as they may be, who wouldn’t love to be hot new property in one of our country’s greatest strengths, comedy? Expect them to be around for a long while yet.

Colin and Fergus play in Seren Las on Tuesday November 23 as part of the Comedy Network

12 T r a v e l

grtavel@cf.ac.uk

For cars, cigars and Latin spirit(s) Richard Lilly finds hanging in Havana is hard

F

ew cities in the world can introduce you to such a powerful beat as Havana. The capital of the Republic of Cuba and home to over two million people has a soul of its own and a driving salsa pulse.

Combine this with a unique history of Spanish colonialism and post-war revolution and you have the most enigmatic city in the Caribbean.

In the 1920s Havana became a haven for wealthy Americans in search of rum, a fine cigar and salsa music away from prohibition in the US. But since the revolution of 1959 the country has been subject to very harsh economic sanctions and the economy has decreased to a fraction of its glory days. Today the economic hardships are clear to see in Havana but the city is still very much alive and the thriving spirit and resilience of its people is a testament to the pride of this forlorn nation.

Some of the most outstanding colonial architecture in the Americas can be

found in Havana. The decaying façades and ancient wooden balconies give the city a unique atmosphere. Without the money to demolish them or restore them these shells are a constant reminder of Havana’s luxurious past.

Music is all around in old Havana, drifting from a café, or from buskers in the streets, giving the place an awesome and energetic vibe. The streets echo to the sound of salsa music and son: the music made internationally famous by the members of the Buena Vista Social Club.

The cars on the streets are proof of the ingenuity of the people. The majority of the vehicles on the streets of Havana date from before the 1959 revolution. Classic American cars Chevrolets, Cadillacs, Buicks and Pontiacs drive through the streets icons of another era. The owners keep them on the road as they simply cannot afford to replace them and they are passed from generation to generation. Spare parts are either cannibalised from the weak or are made by hand. One owner of a pris-

Quench 15 11 04

tine, chrome-clad beauty proudly lifted the huge bonnet to reveal a tiny 1970’s Lada engine (not unlike a lawn mower) replacing the original American muscle.

It is not all doom and gloom in Havana. The last five years have seen a surge of tourist dollars into the city and there are some excellent signs that the city is finding its economic feet again. An effort to restore the classic façades is underway, and the government is stepping in to save and renovate some of the more important buildings. Many large colonial villas have been converted into expensive hotels and profits from these are put straight back into other restoration projects.

The influx of tourists also brings its own problems – prostitution, street crime and drugs are all on the increase, despite the government’s best efforts to counter them. By South American standards however, the city remains very safe, and tourist police, stationed at the more popular attractions, are a visible reminder of the communist state.

Havana is clearly coming into its own as a world-class capital. Add to this the colourful and friendly patina of its people and attractions and you have an increasingly cosmopolitan and unabashedly lovely city.

■ Flights to Havana are around £350 return with Iberian Airways, and hotels are £30-40 per night.

■ Havana is within easy reach of the popular destination of Valadero. Two weeks all-inclusive (with as much rum as you can drink) at these resorts is around £500 including flight (they can be half that on lastminute.com).

Come and get it ladies: the Buena Vista Social Club

Simba or Skippy?

Travel

13

Can’t decide between Australia and South Africa?

Sofie Jenkinson gives us a snap shot of each.

ACTIVITES South Africa offers a huge range of far less conventional activities shark cage diving, climbing Table Mountain, black water tubing, Elephant parks, the highest bungee jump in the world and Ostrich riding to name just a few. Activities tend to be much cheaper than in Oz and, if money is lacking, then there are so many things on offer for a small price, like trekking in the Tsitsikamma National Park, so there should never be a day with nothing to do.

Australia has a large variety of extreme sports and water based activities to choose from as well as many expensive "experience" type activities such as diving courses, Fraser Island and Whitsunday’s trips. However, due to the expense you can’t usually afford to do more than two, which leaves a lot of time to entertain yourself on the beach and this can get boring after a while.

riend Simba and f

Watch out f or Skippy

HOSTELS Tend to have a small community atmosphere meaning you usually get to know the staff and other people staying there. Nearly every one of them has a bar, therefore people tend to sit around drinking and chatting to socialise rather than to get drunk. Sometimes the entire hostel can be involved in drinking games. Hostels are often located in prime spots of natural beauty over looking beaches or mountains.

Hostels are much bigger in Australia and so tend to be less sociable and therefore harder to get to know people. There is more of a tendency to go out for drinks and so socialising does tend to be alcohol induced, including some hilarious (oh please) activities such as body shot competitions, wet t-shirt competitions, club crawls etc.

BEACHES & SURF Stunning and often surrounded by mountains. They usually have a quiet atmosphere and are calmer for swimming than in Oz. Cold water temperatures until half way up the coast where the Indian Ocean kicks in. Watch out for the sharks and jellyfish.

Stunning beaches, although a little samey, and swimming is difficult due to the rip (hold onto your bikini!) Often beaches are busy and noisy. Bondi I found to be slightly overrated.

Shipwreck Beach

SCENERY Fancy somewhere that makes you want to break into a rendition of "The hiiiiills are alive"? First things first - Table Mountain is amazing. You can end up with an ocean view room on more than one occasion, which you can whale watch from at the right time of the year. Coasts galore from huge beaches to little tucked away coves. Elephant parks are a great alternative to a full on safari and you get to see some amazing African outback.

Don’t miss Cape Town, Llandudno Beach - the best ever.

one?

Opera any

Obviously there are hundreds of beaches, but Australia is lacking things in between, though the Blue Mountains and Ayers’ Rock are obvious exceptions.

Don’t miss Sydney - well duh!

14 Travel Battle of The Home Towns: Guildford

Excess Baggage Best Bar: The Weyside Club: The Drink - made infamous by Cheryl Tweed y from Girls Aloud who beat up the toilet attendant.

Worst Bar: Bar Med avoid at all costs.

Club: The Drink: see ab ove.

Shop: There aren’t any - it’s a shopper’s paradise.

Sarah Bayes 4th year English Literat ure and French.

Guildford in three words Comfortingly middle cla ss.

Things you never knew about Guildford It was labelled “Drugs capital of the South East” by the national press.

Must do: Have a drink and a bit e to eat in one of the river side pubs.

Summer Activities: Guilfest music festival.

Last year’s headliners includ ed Blondie and Ocean Co lour Scene.

Posh or Pants?

Frighteningly posh.

ce Postcards from Fran

By Robert Sharples d games with the fter last week’s fun an s ek I finally got the key estate agents, this we ce pla ic att a tiny little to my flat. It’s lovely il beams (that I can’t na ed os exp lls, wa g with slopin t ou w vie a f moves) and the things to incase the roo cathedral. It’s close to the to ps fto roo rover the ove é caf al ay, and the loc ecmarkets and the tramw hit arc ible red inc me h so looks a huge square wit ture. from work but that’s OK It’s a bit of a journey l holidays again. French oo because it’s the sch perthe world worked out teachers seem to have h glis get back, the En fectly. As soon as we half day off to go wine a ing tak is t en departm time for because they got e y’v tasting, which the sa lessons a week. There’ only have 18 hours of the t tha w union, they kno really strong teachers’ and they’re happy in m the s ue val nt governme ge to walk into a an str lly their work. It’s rea le are laughing, joking staffroom where peop

A

Everything you ever wanted to know.

Q: Where can I learn Spanish abroad?

A: Sta Travel have a new language school program. Learn Spanish in Barcelona, Peru and Argentina. French in France and Canada. German, Portuguese, Italian, Russian and Japanese courses are all available too.

Fab Product: Maglites. Torches used by travellers all over the world. Water and shock resistant. Adjustable from spot-light to floodbeam with a flick of a wrist. This magic torch includes a spare lamp and a ten year warranty for most of the world.

Prices from £10.

Tip: Carry medication in your hand luggage.

If your suitcase goes amiss you don’t want to be without your vital pills.

job they and pleased to have a t taking jus know is good. Maybe of my rds wo the in is, holidays sic new headmaster, a "ba human right".

Features

grfeatures@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

15

Boys must be boys Craig Driver ponders masculinity’s increasingly uncertain future

T

he French feminist Simone De Beauvoir once declared that: “The male existent creates to maintain, the female existent maintains to create.’ In recent years, the male psyche has struggled to create or maintain a justifiable self-image.

Man has become a species beset by an innate conflation of physical desire, intellectual striving, and a gradually decreasing patriarchal power. The male voice, once full of self assured vitriol, is becoming a raging state of incertitude based predominantly on socially impotent gestures and aggressively banal outbursts.

Over the last twenty years, masculinity has become more acute in its baseness and physical articulation. The late eighties super group, NWA, signalled the emergence of a dangerously misogynistic state of mind when they declared: “The bitch tried to gank me, So I had to kill 'er,” on their track One Less Bitch.

This is not to say that the male archetype is predominantly one of anger, violence, and misogyny. Rather than simply equating such examples with a straightforward, insular hate it can be inferred that such slack-jawed bullish behaviour is born out of des-

peration; a lack of definitive ideals.

Masculinity, like never before, is being represented as flawed, emotionally distraught and questioning its place in the wider scope of life, as well as its functionality in society itself.

The problem remains that Male and Female represent the two sides of the great primary dualism of gender. As such, both sides invariably pass into each other and locate their identities somewhere in between the border rather than either side of it. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.

Apathy and melancholy, or perhaps just a weakening of the masculine spirit, has pervaded the representation of masculinity and devout heterosexuality, rendering the masculine position foetal-like in its innocence and desperate fragility.

The metaphysical collapse and renewed introspection of man comes from the realisation that the power it once possessed, the dominant place it once occupied, is slowly but surely becoming a level playing field.

The previous physical prowess and intellectual high regard of the male figure is gradually becoming an unsettling mix of

Pitt: Looks and feels exhilarating

misogyny and arrogance. The emergence of a new social and sexual landscape is thankfully beginning to challenge and dispel the rusty historical clichés of masculine patriarchy.

Through acknowledging the loss of phallic dominance, a dominance that directly links masculinity to political power, emotional repression and overt sexual expression, masculinity suffers from the trauma of its redefinition in society. Masculine emotion has always been presented as a constipated attribute of the male persona, while sexual expression is quite overt.

Magazines such as Zoo and Nuts continue to aggressively force masculinity back into its cage of breasts and beer. The cultural intoxication of man’s baser desires is pandered to, and accentuated through, the continuous peddling of mainstream men’s magazines that teach the male that women are articles of objectification and nothing more.

The problem for modern man lies in the dilemma he now faces. Masculinity seemingly has one of two options in life. He can take the generic and neolithic path offered by lad’s mags or he can take the soft and sensitive option peddled by mainstream musical groups, such as Weezer and Radiohead.

The fact remains that, as a text, these musical groups and the countless others like them deal with the concerns of a masculinity devoid of a phallic pretext. The subject of their music most often being their ineptness with the opposite sex, along with their emasculated physicality and often shy demeanour, has become the accepted representation of an entire youth subculture.

Bands such as Manic Street Preachers, Placebo, and Nirvana have utilised this crisis of masculine identity, whether it be intentionally or otherwise, and as such highlighted and localised the brittle façade of masculinity.

When the Manic Street Preachers sang: “We are the useless sluts that they mould. Rock ‘n’ Roll is our epiphany. Culture, alienation, boredom

16 Features

men. It may be a strenuous point, but if women are linguistically defined in relation to men, then who are men linguistically defined in relation to? Where must the male and Despair” on the track Little Baby look for his identity? It would Nothing, a new era of gender debate seem that masculinity must and masculine anxiety was born. define itself through introIndeed, when Kurt Cobain, the frazzled spection and an historical lincrown prince of masculine dislocation, eage of authority and patriarproclaimed on Mr. Moustache, ‘Fill me chal power. in on your new vision/Wake me up It could be argued that the with indecision’ he echoed the sentiproblem arises because the ments of a new era of masculinity: a male is desperately trying to masculinity born of derision and discling to a way of life symbolic gust laden with sexual intemperance of sexual prowess and domiand personal dissatisfaction. When nance. But it can be inferred Cobain sings ‘I am my own parasite’ that, in the end, a complete on Milk It, he probably comes closest identification with phallic to summarising the introspective power is ultimately a self nature of masculine dissemblance. destructive one.

The phallus is a symbolic construct that no longer has the ability to empower masculinity. It would seem that masculinity as a social con- The Manic Street Preachers: made-up men struct has become an empty pseudo-aggressive, cock-eyed sermongesture; a flaccid and monosyllabic ising alone. sexual prototype that is desperately Perhaps we should take comfort beginning to fail.

The image of hegemonic masculinity and find strength in the ambiguity of The monolithic desperation, with represented by strength and certitude, sexual difference and social dissoluwhich men attempt to reclaim their reason and logic does, at times, tion. It may make more sense than become man’s worst enemy. Any form of poisoned chalice, can be seen in such many would think to revel in the ambiiconic films as Fight Club. David external expectation creates a climate guity of Drew Barrymore in Steven Fincher’s film deals with an excess of of personal stress. When that expectaSpielberg’s E.T. when she naively asks masculine physicality and deftly hightion is bound intrinsically to the sexually "Is it a boy or a girl?" lights the destructive and sweaty palm configured body then it becomes more Only through the advancement of of modern masculinity. an external hindrance than a natural dissolution can we eventually forge The film imagines a dystopian world given. Masculinity constructed as a stanew individual and social territories in where the male grasp of its precious ble identity position necessitates a conrelation to gender. Masculinity may phallic supremacy is withering away. stant struggle to contain and maintain soon be a defunct category of personWhen Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden states the ‘masculine’ pretext within an ever al distinction but that does not mean with an earnest aggression: “I see all changing social and cultural world. this potential, and I see squandering … we should fear the destruction of fixed When that identity position is usurped binary codes. our Great Depression is our lives,” he and removed from its position of power, After all, this deluge of confusion poignantly hammers the crux of the sitit becomes a locus of disillusionment and individual bewilderment is ultimateuation home, albeit with an eerie insurand anxiety. ly a playground of difference. gence. Though Pitt's sweaty masculine On a purely linguistic level, the term Masculinity should be defined by its torso may look and feel exhilarating, it ‘Man’ stands alone: a singular noun nonetheless betrays a dangerous duplicity and individual dexterity. The defined by its simplicity of meanonly way to survive and be truly defined ethic. ing. The term is to encourage doubt and welcome Alexandra Juhasz ‘Woman’ on the dissolution. As the Narrator in Fight summed it up best when other hand is Club says: “Lost in oblivion. Dark and she pointed out that films only a singular silent and complete. I found freedom. such as Fight Club ‘can’t noun in terms Losing all hope was freedom.” imagine how to get back of its linguistic In the end, only when we are at our the phallus outside the tradimeaning. The most desperate and dislocated can we tional (messed up and word is defined truly find our identity. If that means anachronistic) ways that always almost entirely masculinity enduring a loss of focus worked before: violence, cruelty, in deference to and direction then so be it. Only after hatred, scorn, biology.’

Man and may as If masculinity is to survive and har- we have lost our way can we find a well have been writnew and more prosperous path. Long ness its uncertainty, it must forge a ten ‘Wo(man)’. new social demographic; a diverse and live the dilemma of masculinity.

Linguistically at least, varied sexual understanding. women are seemingly Masculinity cannot survive defined by their innate difference to ET: revel in the ambiguity on caveman kudos and

“Masculinity as a social construct has become an empty gesture”

Features 17

Google Blagging Katrina Flack attempts Quench’s very own Dave Gorman style challenge to see how much free stuff you can really get...

O

ne of the sad facts about student life is that we don’t have any money. Even after the pittance we get from the government and whatever we can scab from our parents, all of us could do with some extra cash.

This year, I decided to finally bite the bullet and get some extra money.

But I didn’t want to waste all my spare time on this, and become some kind of working pseudo-student who works primarily and then studies. That just wasn’t happening, but the fact remained that I needed money.

I consulted some friends about my dilemma, and they suggested several options. After discarding the suggestions of bank robbery, begging, and Nigerian credit card email spam, I realised I had two options available to me. Firstly, get a job and earn money in a boring adult manner; not very appealing. Alternatively, I could waste some of my free time entering competitions, and trying to win that money in a thoroughly enjoyable and, more importantly, childish way.

Strategy: A dilemma - which of the options to choose? I decided to settle the issue with a Dave Gorman style challenge: a week’s test to determine once and for all if the wealth possibilities of the internet could overcome the sensible slog of gainful employment. I decided to spend an hour a day on my challenge entering competitions, and half

an hour searching for jobs and filling out applications. After that week, I’d add up the total value of the many prizes I would win, and that would be the benefit of the competitions. For the employment side, I’d see how many interviews I got, and pick the one that paid the most - counting the money I could potentially earn during a week to compare them. If they were equal or very similar, the competitions would win by default, by virtue of being easier than working.

Now, having set up the basis of this competition, a very important question arose, one that features in all

Dave Gorman challenges. Could I draw a graph of this? Well the short answer to that is “not really”.

Everyone needs some nice pretty graphs to make sense of their data.

So I decided to make some anyway.

It’s not particularly informative but at least I can say I made some.

And now to the challenge....

Day 1: On Sunday, I started off with my challenge. I’d already been looking for jobs in a half-hearted way the week before, but now I had a purpose. I signed up for eight job websites, and searched as hard as I could for anything I could actually do, within a reasonable distance. Admittedly, I had narrowed it down quite a lot, specifying things within 1 mile of my house, preferably only 3 days a week or less, paying an obscene amount of money, and where the job description seemed so easy that a cat could do it. Sadly, I didn’t find anything. Even when I widened the job search to include jobs further away where I might actually have to do some work, I still found very little.

Hooray! So, on to the competitions. I made a new email address to cope with all the spam, and entered competitions for money, exciting technology, and random junk. It was harder than I thought to find good competitions websites, especially as I had to overcome my innate reluctance to give out my email and home address to spam companies in order to enter things.

But I typed in my details anyway, and entered about 30 competitions.

18 Features

Day 2 On Monday, I decided to spend my half an hour walking in to the Students’ Union to sign up with the Union Jobshop. I filled in all my details, had my card photocopied, and explained I wanted to do some nice easy office work; none of this ridiculous bartender or waitress nonsense for me.

Immediately, I was offered a job, to start the next day.

Bollocks.

Anyway I took the job, and it turns out to be almost exactly what I wanted. It’s nice easy office work, a mile away from my house, and it’s part time. It doesn’t pay obscene amounts of money, but you can’t have it all.

MyOffers.com, you enter your details only once, and they give you the chance to win loads of prizes.

But if you go for the work option, don’t worry about losing all your free time - I’m writing this article while sitting at work, and if you look hard enough you may always find a job where you can spend all your day on the internet. These kinds of jobs do exist, I assure you.

While those annoying neon flashing pull-downs that appear above the tool bars saying you are now a millionaire, are fruitless, luck still happens. I know somebody who recently won two flights to New York in a prize draw, so you never know...

Here comes the science bit....

D Day....

I decided to abandon the rest of the challenge because if I continued entering competitions, I would have spent more time on that than on applying for a job, which wouldn’t be fair. Actually, that previous sentence is just a cunning excuse to explain tha I couldn’t be bothered to continue entering the competitions.

But anyway, I waited til the closing dates of all the competitions, and eagerly checked my email to see what I’d won. I’d earned £135 working for a week, but if I’d won the £1000 competition I’d still be able to conclude that competitions paid better! Hell, even if I’d just won the digital camera I’d still be able to declare victory to the competitions.

Result?

Sadly, I hadn’t won a thing. So it is with a heavy heart and regret that I inform you all, that gainful adult employment has been a far more productive way of earning that extra bit of cash than entering competitions on the internet.

You can still enter the competitions like I tried if you want - it’s not going to guarantee you any cash, but you might get lucky. I recommend

Useful Links:

We are not from Alaska

http://www.rewa rdsi http://www.myoffe tes.co.uk/ rs.co.uk/ http:/freestuff.co m/ http:/www.ukcom pe http:/www.livefre titions.com e4aweek.net

F a s h i o n

grfashion@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

19

Something for the lads You may have thought that the Fashion Desk had forgotten about you this year. We haven’t. Your time is

G

one are the days when everyone questioned the sexuality of a guy who cared about his appearance. We live in an age where Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is topping television ratings charts and male celebrities are continuously seen to be preening themselves. Male eroticism has made its biggest comeback since the ancient Greeks and it seems that men’s recent fascination with fashmetrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.

—metrosexuality n.

Overt metrosexuality is not attractive. Looking like you have spent five hours in the bathroom and 500 pounds in Topman does you no favours.

Be yourself. Don’t try to follow every single trend you find in USC because you’ll end up looking like a walking advert for the high street. Wear clothes because you like them, not because FHM likes them. As a wise member of the fashion elite once said, ‘I don’t like fashion, I just like beautiful things’.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: hairbrush, mirror and lipgloss at the ready

ion, clothes and beauty is here to stay.

Looking good is about being creative and coming up with your own style, not just sheeping your way down the same tired high street stores. Copying the latest Beckham look will not make you look like Beckham. What works for him rarely works for the less aesthetically blessed types in the real world. He can get away with wearing flip-flops

and jeans because he lives in Spain.

This is Cardiff. It's cold and it rains.

The flip-flops and jeans combination have fashion victim written all over the shivering feet of the wearer.

True fashion is being imaginative, looking slightly different, but not freakishly so, being creative, but not wearing some concept design that no one is going to understand.

Above all, be yourself.

N. Thompson

“Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and look good. You are not a slave to fashion; it is a slave to you.” JTP

Cardiff is not my New York Despite it’s popularity with the cool kids, Jules Thorpe-Smith hates that blazer and jeans look

T

here is nothing worst than a man wearing a blazer and a pair of jeans. This combination is poncey, daft, and worst of all, it’s deemed fashionable. Here are just a couple of reasons why the blazer/jeans look makes you look like a tool.

1). You’re in Cardiff. Glamorous as it is, this is not New York. Put the blazer down.

2). You don’t have piles of money. You have a loan, an overdraft and maybe a credit card. Put the blazer down.

3). You don’t have an army of stylists. You have ten minutes before your next lecture. Put the blazer down.

4). You are not a celebrity. You’re a student. You can’t get away with this look without someone yelling "tosser" at you. Seriously, put the blazer down.

What is this look trying to say?

Is it: “Hey, I’m cool, I’m mixing

formal with informal” or: “Hey, I’m cool, I don’t need to follow conventional dress codes. I wear what I like.” I would suggest neither. You probably saw Brad Pitt do it and thought it looked cool. You maybe even have seen so-called ‘garage punks’ The Strokes wear this combination and cover their blazers with badges, so you thought you’d try that too. It didn’t look good on them, why the fuck do you think it’ll look good on you? All the blazer and jeans look says is: “I try far too hard to be cool and I’m way too conscious of how I look.” True, you can probably do that without the aid of the blazer, but why draw even more attention to your outrageous vanity and planet-sized ego? Ditch the blazer; you have the rest of your life to wear one in an office and feel uncomfortable.

20

Fashion

Why I love skate shoes...

I

By Jules Thorpe-Smith

thought it was difficult to go wrong with blokes’ footwear.

Then I saw a pair of Puma Mostros. They were hideous. Puma got it badly wrong. But it’s not just them; it seems like every brand name has their own version of this monstrosity on their shelves.

Generally speaking, the best looking shoes I’ve ever seen come from DC’s, Vans, and Etnies. I can justify the slight bias towards skate shoes because they are so cool. And everyone, really everyone can pull them off. I’ve yet to meet someone wearing a pair of Vans who looks stupid in them. They don’t even have to be matched with your average skater-type clothes.

Skate shoes generally come in some funky colours, but still manage to look subtle, unlike their sport-influenced counterparts (Purple and vomit green? Yes, this exists, I’ve seen it).

They have a long shelf life and you won’t have to pay through the nose for shite. I completely recommend the dream shoes, Etnies Rooftop 3 Brown/ Tan/Orange colour scheme.

Check them out. If you have a brain, you’ll fall so much in love with them you’ll feel like you’ve grown an ovary for caring so much. I know I did.

The dream shoe

I

something for the lads

In the pink?

But it’s a girls’ colour, we hear you cry.

Does that matter? Natalia Kekic has some answers.

I

f anyone saw the remake of Alfie, the answer to this should be obvious.

One glimpse of Jude in a neat, perfectly-fitted baby pink shirt and you would be convinced - men should definitely wear pink.

However, it’s not just Jude who can be spotted in a pink shirt. Cast your mind back to the days when Grease was still your favourite film.

Remember John Travolta’s prom outfit? If pink was acceptable on men back then, then surely it couldn’t possibly be a problem in today’s liberated society. After all, what century are we in?

There’s no need to look like an extra from Legally Blonde. Pink can be worn in many more forms than a Nicholson polo shirt.

My boyfriend is forever debating whether to borrow my pink tie, which I incidentally bought from Burtons.

If you’re still not convinced that pink is Look! Travolta’s wearing the colour for you, head down to Primark pink. Oh shit, so am I... where a pink shirt is a snip at no more than a fiver. Try it out, without breaking the bank. Girls are A word from the lads... guaranteed to admire your confidecent pale pink shirt dence and love what you’re wearsmacks of class. It is refined ing: after all, it’s probably their favourite like Radio Four, chess and colour too. afternoon tea. Just see how many business men in London and New York battle it out in the world of Fructis’ new ‘surf hair’ texcommerce with a tasteful pink turising gum is a complete shirt under their designer suit. must-have. It’s a matte Pale pink also brings out and alternative to gel and crecomplements your natural skin ates a messed-up, just-gotout-of-the-sea look instantly. tone. It focuses more attention on The only draw back Fashion what’s underneath the shirt than Desk have encountered is if the shirt itself in a sexy, nudgeit’s not rubbed in properly, it nudge wink-wink sort of way. Most importantly though, it has the leaves suspicious white potential to be a devastatingly affecsticky bits in your hair. Not tive pulling device. N. Thompson nice for anyone involved.

A

...and why I hate emo-boy haircuts

’m assuming you’ve seen these - they’re everywhere. Hair that’s really long at the front (with some dash of colour, usually a failed bleach blonde) and cut short on the back and the sides. It’s styled so that it sweeps over one eye, usually looking absolutely loaded with wax. One of the things I always ask myself is, what purpose does this actually serve? I know it’s considered ‘cool’, but I have always been of the opinion that no matter how cool something is, it should never actually restrict you from doing something. In this case, the thing you are restricted from doing is being able to see properly.

What’s the point? There is none. You can’t see. And the colour. If you’re going to get your hair coloured, don’t do it yourself because it’s more than likely to go wrong. Spend a little extra money at a salon and get your hair coloured properly. This haircut has never made any sense to me and despite rumours, it fails most litmus tests for cool. Does it look good? No. Does it make you look like you spend any time in the shower? No. Most importantly, would it suit a tuxedo? No. There’s your answer. In my humble opinion, if something you do to your hair would look stupid when you’re wearing a tuxedo, it’s not worth Emo kid. Go doing. There are so many haircuts to choose from. Leave this one alone. on, smile

something for the lads

Beautiful boys Charlotte Howells guides us through the undiscovered forest that is men’s beauty

B

eauty is no longer just for girls.

High street chemists have their own testosterone zone stocked up with male grooming products and Beckham, the original girly-guy, has even appeared on television plucking his eyebrows.

But is the nation following suit?

How far will the everyday bloke be seduced by deluxe facials and designer haircuts? With the soaring popularity of the tastefully named "back, sack and crack wax", are our chaps turning into the new preening fanatics? Will the girls be stuck outside the bathroom while their men tweak their hair to bed-head perfection?

Whether this novel breed of beautiful blokes outnumber the serial soap dodgers is yet to be seen. However, after recently hearing how one unnamed male resorted to his razor to divide his monobrow, I’m guessing that not all mankind have caught on to this high-maintenance craze just yet. By the way, for those who might be considering a similar fate for their hairy brows, invest in some tweezers.

Tweeze hairs from the middle and any wayward hairs from around your brow if you like, but unless you want to be mistaken for a transvestite, it’s advisable to stop before you create perfect arches.

If you need a masculine makeover, numerous spas and salons are capitalising on the outbreak of male vanity by

opening manly pamper parlours. They lack the feminine atmosphere of traditional beauty outlets, but offer the same skin-perfecting facials and inch-reducing body wraps. For those serious in their quest for the body beautiful, hair removal need not stop at shaving your stubble: for those blessed with an unfortunate amount of body hair, waxing has become a standard treatment amongst body-conscious blokes. Unfortunately, if your back does resembles a gorilla, prepare for double helping of pain. It hurts your wallet just as much as your nerve endings.

If you are thinking of becoming a bit of a Beckham, buy a couple of good products and enlist some girly helpers create your brand new, slick and groomed appearance. However, beware of taking it too far; selfobsession won’t turn any girl on.

Remember this year’s Big Brother? It seemed to attract vanity like bees to honey. We had to endure watching Jason and co dedicate their entire time in the house to maintaining their appearance, with a regime of fake tanning, chest shaving and hourlong mirror sessions. This egotistical obsession made them more unattractive through my curled, mascara-ed and madeup eyes. Double standards? Me? Never!

A truly beautiful boy

Girls, don’t despair, we haven’t forgotton you. To make it up to you for our lack of female stuff this week, Fashion Desk is reminding you that our good friends at Bowho will be selling handmade garments that link the best of vintage with this seasons key looks by the Great Hall on November 23. Tweed, tuxedo glam and green all appear in mini skirts, silk scarves skirts, bags and evening tops.

Fashion 21 The Ultimate Macho-Yet-FemaleFriendly Bathroom Cabinet Contents Vaseline She can use it as lip-gloss, whilst you can use it for chapped lips and dry skin. It also has many other obvious functions, but she will probably just assume that you use it for greasing all kinds of manly mechanical things.

E45 Cream This is incredibly useful for both of you. It is a hand cream, a miraculous remedy for dry skin problems, a moisturiser and a hair styling product. I would like to insert here a personal plea that all men start using this instead of hair gel. Gel either looks greasy or crusty and as you can imagine, these are not looks that make a girl feel that she wants to spend the night running her hands through your hair. This cream will make your hair look soft, shiny and touchable. It really does hold your style just as well as traditional methods, unless of course your style is a mohican. If your girlfriend does ask what it’s for, your E45 cream can be easily explained by saying that your housemate has eczema.

Plasters and Paracetamol A girl can tell a lot about you by looking at two things. The first is your shoes and the second is your bathroom cabinet. These two items are no comment on my expectations for your time together, but are advice on how to make a good impression. They will make her think that you are organised, caring and sensitive.

Oral Hygiene Products If she sees mouthwash and/or floss she will realise that you take these things seriously and be happy to kiss you with complete peace of mind. Also, if you can convince her that your teeth are clean, she will probably assume that you have the same attitude towards your bed linen, dishes, etc. Obviously, back this up by not blatantly being a lazy slob. GPot

22

G a y

By Mike Smith, Stonewall Cymru mike.smith@stonewall.org.uk 07795325161

H

ow many times have you worried about your blood pressure when reading a particularly offensive article in a newspaper about lesbian and gay people?

Maybe it was a sensationalist headline, the use of offensive terminology,

grgay@cf.ac.uk

By Ian Loynd Gay Editor

A

s the editor of a section dedicated to the positive representation of LGB people, I take responsibility for every word we print. Stonewall Cymru are similarly taking an important step in making the media accountable for the effect they have on the lives of homosexuals.

Quench has often questioned motives for the inclusion of gay images in the media - from television adverts to Big Brother. We wish Stonewall great success in this worthy cause.

Your contributions are, as always, welcome.

grgay@cf.ac.uk

yet another clichéd picture or some bigot ranting on in the letters page.

We have all simply groaned and put it down to the homophobic press, and resigned ourselves to the fact that there is nothing we can do about it.

In Wales, things are starting to change with an ambitious media project called Look Out, run by Stonewall Cymru. Look Out was launched in September in Cardiff, with the backing of leading Welsh politicians, academics and journalists, that’s right, journalists.

The ambitious three-year project aims to tackle homophobia by both improving the representation of lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) people in the Welsh media, and increasing that representation.

This ranges from news and features coverage by Wales’ newspapers and magazine, TV and radio stations to current affairs and drama.

The project is monitoring and responding to coverage in the media in Wales, but a key objective is to encourage LGB organisations and individuals to make their own direct representations.

Rather than purely confronting the media, the intention is to build a partnership with the press and broadcast organisations to ensure fair and accurate representation of all communities in Wales.

To help achieve this, the project is organising briefings and one-to-one meetings with editors and journalists as well as producing comprehensive

Quench 15 11 04

reference materials.

Stonewall Cymru research has shown most LGB groups in Wales have little if any funding for media training or to employ communications officers. To overcome this, the group is liaising with other LGB organisations in Wales to improve their own relationships with the media. This will include creating practical resource packs and on-line help, tips and contacts lists.

Central to the project is working with targeted groups that traditionally have little access to the media. Look Out has targeted young people, identifying non-traditional media, and people who may seek advice, help, and information from medical professionals for the first year of the project.

Work is now starting with youth groups and youth professionals and the medical profession in Wales.

To raise awareness of the project, a leaflet has been produced promoting the project and encouraging people to get involved. Thousands of these were distributed at the Cardiff Wales Mardi Gras and to gay and lesbian venues.

Funding from Comic Relief has enabled Stonewall Cymru to employ a member of staff, Matthew Batten, to work on the project. Articles should be sent to: Matthew Batten, Assistant Policy and Public Affairs Officer, Stonewall Cymru, C/o EOC, Windsor House, Windsor Lane, Cardiff CF10 3GE. matthew.batten@stonewall.org.uk

Reviews

Quench 15 11 04

23

“This whole phenomena is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a government agenda...”

Fox Mulder

THE ROUGH GUIDE TO UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA Bob Rickard and John Michell Rough Guides

W

ritten in an informal, yet highly informative and entertaining style, this is an excellent read for anyone with Mulder-like tendencies, or indeed the casual reader with 10 minutes spare to look at something cool.

Subdivided into twelve themed chapters including Teleportation, The Haunted Planet and Monsters, to name a few, this book provides eye-

Personal favourites include violent poltergeists,bloodsucking kangaroo vampires and apparently entirely natural revolving discs of ice witness accounts, pictures, background and more contemporary theorisations on the weird and wild subject matter it discusses. It may not always leave you satisfied, but always leaves you wanting to know more about what you’ve just read.

Personal favourites thus far include violent poltergeists, bloodsucking kangaroo vampires, and apparently entirely natural revolving discs of ice in the middle of Arctic Tundra and I’ve yet to complete a tenth of it yet. But allowing you to dip in and out, a werewolf here, a crop circle there and still want to pop back more for later is what makes Rough Guides, and this one in particular, both a brilliant reference and great entertainment.

Remember "The truth is out there…"

Simeon Rosser-Trokas

24 M u s i c

grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

FABRIC 19 Andrew Weatherall Fabric

NICE HITS

BRITNEY SPEARS Greatest HitsMy Perogative Jive

There is a prevailing idea that dance music and rock music are in someway opposed to one another: the former employing the artificial sound of synthesisers and drum machines; the latter involving real instruments, played by real people. In this album Andrew Weatherall seeks to disprove this by combining music from both genres.

However, although he is ambitious enough to include music from bands as diverse and improbable as Joy Division, Fabric 19 only aids in highlighting the tremendous gulf between the two genres and the inevitable pitfalls of any album or artist that fails to acknowledge this. 6/10 Ricky Pearson

THE DONNAS Gold Medal Atlantic

Now who said girls can't rock?

Fancy saying it to the faces of this gum-chewing, guitar-wielding foursome? Thought not. The temptation is to rant about 'girl-power' but The Donnas' music stands on its own, breasts or no breasts. This, the girls' 6th album, is a progressive step forward from 2002s Spend The Night, with a more rounded and accomplished sound. However, the trademark bitchy pop hooks and 80s RockN-Roll riffs prove that they are still not comprimising. Tracks like the pounding Revolver and the country-tinged title track show that Brett, Maya, Allison and Torry could kick any guy's ass. 8/10 Jade Wringe

There are two sides to Britney: quiet creepy virginal side and outright slut.

Guess which is best! The sleazy Neptune’s produced singles, such as Boys, is pop music at its best and everyone loves Toxic even if you’re too cool to admit it. The cheesy ballads do let this album down. They’re all slightly weird tracks, which appeal to dirty old men - Born to make you Happy being an obvious example. The recent single My Perogative seems to be a fuck you to everyone who’s ever slagged her off- and good for her. So long as Britney sticks to being a slut she’ll keep making great pop music.

7/10

MENDEED From Shadows Came Darkness

Amy Hurst

Elgan Iorwerth

Rising Records

After track one, Hope Lies In The Heart Of Even The Darkest Soul, this album was looking promising. It’s hauntingly beautiful piano solo was simply brilliant. But, just as the US Election, the end result was oh so disappointing. There’s only one way to describe this album and that’s thrash, plain and simple. There’s evidently talent in the band, but I fear the quality on this album doesn’t reflect that. A good attempt but a decent Metal album it is not.4/10

MANIC STREET PREACHERS Lifeblood Sony

Each Manics album seems to be a bigger disappointment than the last.

Lifeblood never rises above the dull drone of The Love of Richard Nixon, the single which was itself a slap in the collective eyelinered face of their fans. The lyrics and liner notes fulfil their pretentiousness quota by namedropping Nietzsche and Descartes; relevance to current events is pretty much limited to a mention of the twin towers in Empty Souls, which was in 2001. The fact that Nicky Wire has to resort to slagging off Busted on CD:UK to get airtime these days demonstrates precisely how irrelevant the Manics have become. 1/10 Sarah Dobbs

THE MARTINI HENRY RIFLES Superbastard FF Vinyl

And so we are hit with the Martini’s virginal discharge. A shambolic stop, start, stop and go again compression of sound. Their drum machine runs like a gunman, firing at imaginary bats, poor bastard; drugged on Brainiac, Mr Mixel Pixel, Enon and Mclusky. Upfront they’ve been knocking off libellous chunks of the same influences that fuelled ATDI and …Trail of Dead’s career. It’s messy and pulsating; guitars flail, die and are resurrected under a different chord progression. The bass lines thump through unrelenting, while the singers take it in turns to shout and spit about John Wayne’s father and monkeys dressed as Elvis. Noisenik is such a dirty fucking word. 9/10 Gage Falsht

WU TANG CLAN Legend of the Wu Tang: Greatest Hits BMG

The Wu have reached the greatest hits stage in their career. This isn't simply cashing-in on a compilation of choice cuts from their four albums, however. This album has some rare tracks not on previous albums.

There's a cover of Run DMC's hiphop classic Sucker M.C's, from the Next Friday soundtrack.

There's Also Diesel, a song from the Soul In The Hole soundtrack, as well as alternate remixes of Method Man (Skunk Mix) and Protect Ya Neck (Bloody version). Complimenting these rarer, songs are an indisputable selection of 12 Wu classics: C.R.E.A.M, WuTang Clan Ain't Nuthin Ta F' Wit and Gravel Pit to mention a few. 8/10 John Williams

PAVEMENT Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain: L.A.’s Desert Origins Domino

The godfathers of alt rock re-release their 1993 classic in a boner-enducing 2-CD, 48-track format. The original album is as good as ever and Cut Your Hair is still one of the finest pop songs of all time. Unlike many reissues though this isn’t just one for the completists, the b-sides are fine enough to stand alone on a new album. Adored by critics and criminally ignored by the public, Pavement have always been the perennial under achievers of rock, but in songs such as Range Life, including Stephen Malkmus’ infamous dig at The Smashing Pumpkins and The Stone Temple Pilots, you cant imagine they’d want it any other way.

Proof that it’s not always the band with the coolest haircut that are the greatest. 9/10 Jon Davies

NEVILLE STAPLE The Rude Boy Returns Rude Boy Music

The original rude boy returns marking the 25th anniversary of Two Tone records. With collaborations with Mick Jones of The Clash and Rat Scabies of The Damned, Staple remains dedicated to his roots. Several songs could be straight off The Specials eponymous album. However, this also shows a diversity not seen in Staple's earlier material, embracing Indian ska and a bizarre mix of electronica and country and western on Cow Cow Yicky.

Perfect for those lazy summer evenings, being released now, means it'll probably sink without a trace, which is criminal for a man who has remained at the forefront of the ska movement for quarter of a century. 8/10 Fergus Alexander

FREESTYLERS Raw As Fuck

Against the Grain Oh thank fuck! This is all dirt and noise: drum and bass side by side with ragga and house and none of that sub par R n B shit that ruins their live shows. Whilst it might not work as a coherent whole many tracks here are graced with a pop sensibility that still hits as hard as a kick in the teeth via your balls, stomach and chest.

Scratch about 2cm out from the centre of the disk to avoid the disco let down of Push Up and trim off the edge so you never have to hear closer Too Far and you’ve got an all star album. 7/10 Gage Falsht

BABES IN TOYLAND / KAT BJELLAND The Best of Babes in Toyland and Kat Bjelland

Albums

25

Lumberjack shirts with unwashed long hair while crying to Pearl Jam because you stopped listening to music in 1993. 5/10 Adam Wilkinson

THE TRIP-CREATED BY SNOW PATROL Family Recordings

Here’s the thing… The singer from Snow Patrol, Gary Lightbody, is asked to choose some of his favourite tracks. He then gets one of his DJ mates to mix them all together on a double album. The result is very eclectic, quite funky and sometimes obscure. The first disc, subtitled ‘Bert’, has something of a house feel; whereas ‘Ernie’ (Disc 2, of course) is more vocal and laid back. Like a Now! album in reverse, but cooler. For a self-professed ‘indie kid’, Lightbody has made some good choices on this album, even if you’ve never heard of any of them. 8/10 Fred Lee

THE SOUNDTRACK OF OUR LIVES Origin Volume 1 Warner

Tonk-pop can be a bit hit and miss.

Let's see, Elliot Smith, hit. The Thrills, miss. Hairy Swedes (that’s the country not the vegetable) TSOOL seem to think that if they rock out too much, their heads might roll off, so they don't bother. Midnight Children offers a squishy ray of light but elsewhere they stick to ruffled acoustic guitars, tin-pan drumming and an eternity headlining the 'ambient panda stage' at obscure Swedish festivals. 4/10 Greg Cochrane

Warner

Babes in Toyland. It's probably cool to like them. Especially if you're a girl.

But a best of? This gal was the musical equivalent of a Pixies' groupie. I question the motive behind a best of for a grunge band-wagon jumper who doesn't have any kind of cult status, isn't hailed as a great musical innovator and has never experienced massive Nirvana-style mainstream success. Grunge being fucked by corporations still is it? In time for Christmas?

Ho-hum - the vast selection of samey tunes are alright if you still wear

Pavement: Just in case you were wondering

Singles

26

BJÖRK Who Is It?

One Little Indian

Who Is It sounds like most of Björk's other records. It's not a problem yet, because her voice is still one of the most enchanting and distinctive sounds in the world, but even the quirky and introverted will get bored if the next album doesn't sound a bit different. 6/10 John Williams

DEFENESTRATION For Us End When We Drown Rising Records

Ever wonder what happened to 90s pop sensation, Shampoo? I don’t have a clue, but this sounds like the lead singer having spent the last ten years hanging around with Mortiis. The Rasmus for beginners. 3/10 Samuel Strang

THE PRODIGY Hotride EP XL

This release shows that Liam Howlett is good enough to sack the rest of his band and still release good tracks. The remixes are a bit useless and unnecessary but Hotride itself (feat. Juliette Lewis of all people) and new track Who U Foolin? are angry, gritty Prodge songs. 7/10 Harold Shiel

LEMAR If There’s Any Justice Sony Music

R‘n’B’s boy of bland, Lemar, is back again with a new ‘soulful’ attempt at music. Imagine, if you dare, Blue doing a duet with Mick Hucknall. Hopefully that should be enough to put anyone off, but somehow I doubt it.

Fortunately, it will all be forgotten soon enough.

3/10 Catherine Gee

DELTA GOODREM Out of the Blue

Sony music

Deltas back, and its a case of the same old song ‘n’ dance. Her latest offering, reportedly written about her love of her boyfriend, sounds excruciatingly similar to all her others. For a song written about emotion it evokes little in its listeners at all and can be seen to be quite corny (although, it certainly would entertain a 13 year old).

However cheesy, the award winner makes her highly anticipated return with another ‘catchy’ tune displaying her talent.

5/ 10 Lizzie Ingham

MODEST MOUSE Ocean Breathes Salty Epic

Following the joyful stomp that was Float On, this second release from the full length 'Good News For People Who Love Bad News' finds the 'Mouse on unstoppable form, simultaneously evoking the Pixies at their most vital, while sounding remarkably fresh. Good Delta: Ever y man hopes that’s her finger. . . news indeed 9/10 James Skinner

THE THRILLS Not For All The Love In The World Virgin Records

Another slice of radio friendly pop from the band’s second album Let’s Bottle Bohemia, this time in a more ballad driven direction. A waltzy piano number with lyrics of lost love, this is not particularly new or exciting, and certainly not as memorable as singles. 5/10 David Sutheran

DEVENDRA BANHART At The Hop XL

At the age of 23, Devendra Banhart has it all: a gift for writing touching, life affirming music, and a voice ever bit as breathtakingly unique as Jeff Buckley. At The Hop is probably the most blissful two minute blast of heavenly beauty your ears will be treated to all year. Banhart is a talent to be cherished. 9/10 Peter Brown

ELVISS Not Enough EP

Karma Lion Records

This EP sees Elviss return with an improved, tighter sound and a definite musical direction. The thrashing punk riffs of the title track sounds a lot like old school Offspring, and along with a demo and a live track, make this EP a worthy listen. 7/10 Will Schmit

REUBEN Stuck In My Throat/Let's Stop Hanging Out Xtra Mile

British 3-piece Reuben return with this eardrum-meddling double-assault.

The first track isn't bad, but it's in the re-jigged Let's Stop Hanging Out that Reuben show their charmingly schizophrenic side. With vocals that start as sweet as Sunny-D and end up as ugly as the frontman himself. 7/10 Jadine Wringe

FIVE O’CLOCK HEROES Time On My Hands Glaze Records

Five O’clock Heroes arrive just in time to disrupt dinner: but that's ok because it was only fish-finger sandwiches anyway. One eighth The Strokes, two thirds The Stones and half of the Kaiser Chiefs (that's right!

It doesn't add up!) These scuzzy New Yorkers dissolve in their own brand of hyperactive, stylish, chirp-pop. 7/10

THE OPEN Never Enough

MANDO DIAO Paralysed

In 1998 guitar music was rubbish.

Dullards in big coats wailed over midtempo anthemia about 'shining'; The Open were big fans. This text book rendition of everything that can be wrong with British indie is regressive, needless and disturbingly empty.

0/10

Mixing an element of garage rock with poppy Beatles-esque rock, Sweden’s latest offering, Mando Diao, give a new slant on the familiar garage rockrevival. Some nice melodies are intertwined with some sharp riffs and throaty vocals, which creates a sometimes confusing but ultimately satisfying listening experience. 7/10

Polydor

Colm Loughlin

MCFLY Room on the 3rd Floor Island

Even for a Busted fan, there’s not much to redeem this, the title track of McFly’s debut album. Apparently they broke The Beatles’ record for being the youngest band ever to debut at number 1 in the UK – which might go some way to explaining why they’re so lacking in life experience they resort to writing a song whining about their hotel room. 2/10 Sarah Dobbs

McFly- Kill them.......please

Mute

Chris Martin

THE BRAVERY Unconditional EP Loog

The music itself is not abysmal, a variety of Cure b-side-a-likes and an 80s electro effort, but as with The Killers and The Departure they just seem to lack any sincerity and it ends up sounding like another bland indieclub filler. 6/10 Samuel Strang

PELLUMAIR Iris Tugboat

The softer side of indie is seldom more beautiful than this. Soothed, harmonizing vocals drift over sleepy acoustic guitars; floating music.

Probably released at an inappropriate time, definitely a summer tune.

Singles

27

Rolling around on green grass under a warm sun with the angelic love of your life. Dream on. 9/10 Adam Wilkinson

WILLY MASON Hard Hand To Hold EP Virgin

Willy Mason's acoustic folk is poignant and captivating, way beyond his nineteen years. His voice is raw and compelling, cutting straight to the soul with his emotional tales of loneliness and despair. There's even a song his parents wrote about finding a frozen dead body. Marvellous.

8/10 David Ford

BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE Bullet For My Valentine Visible Noise

Fuck Avenged Sevenfold. This band is the most important thing to happen to the recently stagnant metal scene.

They have riffs, passion and unlike Avenged, they have songwriting ability.

8/10 Jules Thorpe-Smith

28 L i v e

created. This Jekyll and Hyde performance, tries to mix an eclectic range of influences, from Queens of the Stone Age, to Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, via just about every rock band ever lived. It is certainly a welcome change from the usual indie drivel, but I can’t help wonder if they’re taking the piss and jumping on the glam bandwagon, or whether this fad with their Must Destroy labelmates The Darkness, can last longer than one catsuit wearing season.

Laura Davies

GRAND NATIONAL /CULPRIT ONE/ BLUE STATES Cardiff Barfly Saturday 30 October

Do Me Bad Things

DO ME BAD THINGS/YOSSARIAN Barfly Tuesday 26 October

First up was Yossarian who lived up to their unexplainable reputation and incredible good looks. They proved themselves to be more than just a mediocre uni band, as they demonstrated mesmerising rock ‘n’ roll. They first need to propel a little more conviction and belief in their own abilities, but tonight proved that the NME love affair with all things Razorlight and Futureheads isn’t the only thing to look out for in 2005.

And so onto the night’s main attraction. Sporting more make-up than even Eddie Izzard would dare, this band certainly dazzles the crowd. If not with their strange Scissor Sisters meets AC/DC sounds, then the sequins will certainly blind all. Even though tonight is packed with 15 year old grungers on first dates, the atmosphere is electric. However this 9 piece don’t know whether they want to be Spandeau Ballet or Metallica.

The gorgeous front man Nicolai Prowse contains the prowess and stage presence of a young Freddie Mercury, and his sexy partner Chantal Dellusional, with her breath-taking soul voice, compliment each other remarkably. But when a costume change is required (which is often), a scarily convincing Jack Black wannabe is unleashed onto a confused crowd, and shatters the magic that they had

In a time where every new band that comes along has a sound that is heavily indebted to the past, Grand National succeed in that rare task of creating their own unique sound.

Support came from Culprit One and the Blue States, two acts at opposite ends of the time spectrum. Culprit One was humble and affable, breaking the knob-twiddler cliché with stellar sound. Blue States sounded like a meandering jam session. Technically proficient and having fun, but lacking any real purpose, they looked like they’d settled for mid-weight support band status.

Grand National sit as a happy medium between the first two acts. Each song sounds like something you’ve heard before, yet it also sounds very innovative and fresh.

Lawrence Rudd took to the mic looking not dissimilar to Don Johnson in a particularly bad episode of Miami Vice. While simultaneously taking Polaroid photos of the crowd and affecting the twitchy mannerisms of Ian Curtis, his vocals were ably supported by his musical partner Rupert Lyddon and a live band.

While their previous incarnation as a Sting and the Police cover band does God Forbid

show in more than one of their songs, the rest of their set is strong enough to carry them through. Grand National played their distinctive feel good sound that made everyone happy and held your attention throughout.

Tom Scott

CHIMAERA/GOD FORBID/FEEDING Clwb Ifor Bach Sunday 31 October

Not to be confused with Chimaira, their North American thrash metal cousins, Belgian based metal band Chimaera disappoint despite evident talent (it is rare to see fingers move that much, that fast these days. It is a promising and growing trend towards proper riff work that seemed to die out about twenty years ago).

Unfortunately, the material they had to work with was somewhat predictable, and drowned out by the singer whose screaming, though impressive, began to grate after two songs.

It falls then to the support acts to try and bring the nights performance up.

God Forbid were also sadly lacking in inspiration, sounding like a less vital Snot, though they are the first act to get the crowd moving… difficult considering that there were only about forty people there.

The first act on, Feeding are impressive. Skilled musicians, tight as hell, and full of onstage energy and charismatic. You could hear their influences (Thrice, Glassjaw and Envy) but they unlike most bands innovate upon their influences, rather than plagiarise them. Don’t let the fact that they’re French put you off, this is not obscure and unlistenable, this is scintillating stuff. When their record company decides to promote them properly, they will do great things.

Jules Thorpe-Smith

ADEQUATE SEVEN/ SONIC BOOM SIX Barfly

L i v e 29

Sunday 7 November

I dragged my ska-hating and slightly intoxicated friend along to the cosy Barfly to see whether Adequate Seven could help convert him to the church of bouncy trumpets and saxophones.

The crowd was an over 14s gig, so a few young rascals were bouncing about enthusiastic to the main support band Sonic Boom Six, fronted by a enigmatic lady with red hair. They were upbeat and, although the music was fairly mindless, they did have a good crack at white hip hop.

The majority of Adequate Seven’s material came from Songs of Innocence and Experience their debut album, but they unleashed some new tracks on the already excitable gaggle of ironic t-shirt wearing kids. Although their influences include bands such as Ozomatli, there was a definite lean towards rocky punk rather than simple bouncy ska, although I am ignorant to a lot of their songs, I couldn't help but nod lots as the hooks were catchy and the trombonist had a very funky hat on. They seemed rather too charismatic for such young looking lads, and despite the fact they were nearing the end of a four month tour, they still had enough energy to get my ska-hating friend nodding his head and declaring "where wank was expected they have achieved funkiness." Ellen Waddell

BLACKBUD/ THE BLIMS/ THE EXPERIMENT Barfly Thursday 4th November

Pop-funskters The Experiment have come a long way since playing for beer money at Uni Hall, marked by a loyal following turning out in force to support this stylish outfit. Darling is superb as usual, and a quality take on Paperback Writer seals the deal.

The Blims have everything you want in a rock band: an exceedingly hairy Welsh singer, sideburns, acoustic guitars, harmonica and even a kazoo.

They're everything Reef should have been: a beach-band for the people, the kind of lads who have stories about everything: being tricked into drinking piss at a rugby club (Hero to Zero) or THE OTHERS/THE being harassed by chalet girls in the PADDINGTONS. south of France (F*** off and leave me Barfly alone). You name it, they've done it, Wednesday 27 October First up in tonight’s New Cross extrav- drunk it or smoked it. Lyrically however aganza are The Paddingtons. Through they’re not exactly profound, ("You look touring pretty much constantly for the surf and lead the community that he’s past three months these boys are created. starting to invade the sub-conscious If you believe some people The of the indie masses. Even a knobOthers are the band that are gonna head Anthony Kiedis look-a-like invadchange the world: our generations ing the stage failed to spoil their set.

Pistols or Nirvana and maybe they’re The Others however give the right, but I’m sure someone said the crammed crowd a gig that’ll stick in same thing about Shed Seven once. their minds for a while. Inspiring a mass of sweaty bodies into the mosh- Jon Davies pit The Others’ close bond with their fans is adopted perfectly into their live VIKING SKULL/TOWERS OF experience. Lead singer Dominic LONDON Masters spends most of the time Barfly singing whilst crowd surfing and the Wednesday 3 November band do nothing to discourage a This was an unhealthy decision. Too stage invasion during the final song. many mullets. The first attack was The Others are misfits, rejects of from Towers of London. They HAD to society. And that’s what makes them be taking the piss. This faded blue special. In the sweaty basement that torn jeans five piece swaggered is Barfly, Dominic Masters can crowd around the stage in a drunken stupor

like a kipper, you're minge is like a big baggy slipper", I think you'll agree); yet art takes many different forms.

Winning the unsigned band competition to play Glastonbury tends to lead to a hell of a lot of expectation and hype from all corners of the industry.

This is Blackbud's last gig before jetting off to Spain with Hope of the States; stardom appears to be waiting in the wings for the Bradford-UponAvon three-piece.

Musically, they're staggering; aesthetically, they're sharp. Front-man Joe Taylor wields his white Strat in Claptonesque fashion, whilst clean-cut, grinning McFly-like bassist Adam Newton pounces around the stage like a hippy possessed. Barefoot Dancing has leapt straight from the Buckley book of rock and roll, whilst Sitting by the River boasts subtle guitar tweaks and heartfelt vocals.

Blackbud could well be leading us into the renaissance of retro rock; you better hold on. James Woodroof hurling cockney abuse at an unresponsive audience. But the entire performance was so formulaic: every move seemed rehearsed.

Momentarily, it was amusing. Then I got bored. When their lanky, attention seeking front-man staggered off the stage and crawled onto the bar, everyone just looked embarrassed.

Viking Skull showed the cocky shits how it should be done; screaming "cheap whores and whisky!", their dirtied manner was more convincing.

The grittier edge meant a greater connection with the crowd, but the evening as a whole left a bitter taste.

Adam Wilkinson

30 M u s i c

This, That and The Others Jon Davies speaks to Dominic Masters, the enigmatic leader of one of Britains most exciting new bands, The Others .

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fter playing gigs up a tree and on a tube, front man Dominic Masters rather insightful interview with NME and the number of 853 Kamikaze Stagediving Division members (the Others hardcore group of fans) increasing with every gig they play, it’s hard to ignore The Others at the moment. In true Others style, the interview is hardly normal. Due to the amount of band members, label people and 853 members, the lack of room forces us to have our chat in the Barfly men’s room, Lovely.

Quench: Are you afraid that your connection and involvement with the New Cross scene will overshadow your music?

Dominic: No not at all, I mean we’re the pioneers aren’t we? We’re like the pioneers of guerrilla gigging, pioneers when it comes to being the catalyst for all of the other bands being together in this community. The whole point is keeping the sense of community, even though we might be doing well at the moment, you’ve still got to make sure everybody’s looked after in the community that we’ve created.

Somebody said to me the other day did the NME create it? Well no, if you play with the same bands for two years you’re gonna have a close relationship, it’s obvious. We’re interrupted by a phone call from one of the 853 .

Q: Get that a lot then?

Dominic: Yeah everyday of the week, I get a pile of calls. It’s good though, you feel privileged, wanted.

Sometimes you get calls at two in the morning from Jo in Weston Super

Mare saying she’s gonna come to London to see us. It’s really nice that the fans care for you and want to speak to you. Other bands don’t give out their telephone numbers cos they haven’t got a heart and they don’t have as much soul. Pete (Doherty) always had a lot of soul, you could always get his phone number if you tried hard enough. But with me I extended that and took it a little further when I put it on every posting I ever did on libertines.org or postings I did on letskilltheothers.com and you’ll see tonight every time I meet new fans, you’ll see me at the end of the gig with two phones in my hand giving out my number to the kids and taking their numbers. It’s important you build relationships with kids, the thing is a

“I’m real and thats why people like our band” lot of people don’t realise how much just a little bit of connection means to someone in Birmingham or Manchester who doesn’t see you day to day. His phone goes again.

Q: How do you see the close relationship with your fans developing as you get bigger?

Dominic: It just takes organisation.

It’s just like running a business really, just think about it, how much free time do bands have? When we get bigger it’ll be alright, there’s always ways round it, we’ll have bigger after parties you know. I’m just trying to divide my time so everyone gets a piece of me.

Q: Its quite a different attitude compared with “cooler than thou” types you generally find in bands.

Dominic: People don’t want it anymore.I think people prefer the fact that I’m honest, well you read the NME interview didn’t you? I’m real and that’s why people like our band.

It’s like your actually meeting someone, your not just meeting a fake idea of what rock n roll is, your actually meeting the real thing. I’m a pretty liberal kind of guy, liberal with my sexuality. My boyfriends a transsexual, he’s turning into a girl and I don’t really see much problem with that.

Sometimes I get looked on as being too honest because I say “Yeah I do drugs” but at the same time I don’t let the drugs take over my ability to work and be organised. I take drugs a lot of the time to stop thinking, because I work so hard, sometimes at the end of the night I might of done what I needed to do, so I might do drugs just to cut off. Sometimes, I think I’ve got the right to be intoxicated just to break away. If your waking up in the morning and doing a line then something’s a bit wrong, but I’m not that kind of drug addict.

We chat for a while and Dom tells me about how the band formed. His view on life is positive and he talks about bad points in his life openly. He is far more well adjusted than some portions of the press would have you believe. His phone rings again; we leave it at that.

The Others latest single Stan Bowles is out now on Poptones.

M u s i c 31 Sam Coare looks at whether Music can still affect politics

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I don’t want to change the world...

world in which music can influence politics seems pretty crazy. Lets face it, those muppets on X Factor are barely the Martin Luther King of the pop scene.

Yet it wasn’t so long ago that mods and rockers dominated the authorities across the south coast, and two bands by the names of The Clash and The Sex Pistols were bringing their anarchy to the UK. Despite the best efforts of the worlds biggest acts, welcome back Mr Bush (Oh how we’d have missed you). Commiserations Mr Kerry, but don’t be too disheartened. After all, if the Boss, grunge kings Pearl Jam and delinquent adolescents REM can’t win it for you, no one could of.

Travelling across 33 cities, the Vote For Change tour sought to reach the side of America’s youth too ignorant or lazy to vote. That’s merely over 130 million people, folks.

Time for a quick history lesson. The year is 1996, Britain has finally had enough of the Tories, and a resurgent left-wing is being led by an ambitious young man, a catchy D:Ream song, and the most talked about stars of the year.

Managing to avoid swearing at cameramen, journalists and just about anyone long enough to grace Downing Street, the Gallaghers were at the forefront of Labour’s ‘Cool Brittania’. 250,000 young people registered on Rock the Vote website, and

an unprecedented 68% of 18 to 24 year olds turned out to vote. To put that into perspective, a mere 39% made the similar effort four years later.

That brings us quite nicely to 2004.

Surely if a raucous pair of Indie icons can win an election, surely the biggest names on the planet can? Time to hand out the accolades. A big hand for Pearl Jam, who may have managed to get their fans to stop moaning how bad life is, and step outside for the first time since 1994.

Congratulations to Eminem; Mosh wasn’t exactly released in good time to get across the Pro-Kerry message. And a special thank you to Mr Jon Bon Jovi: The smug git wouldn’t even join the tour.

The result? Of the 11 states toured, only one voted differently to how it did four years ago. That state was Iowa. Our final award of the evening goes to George Bush: who’d have guessed that with an increase of 4.6 million young voters, the Democrats would end up with fewer

states than last year.

Former Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren spoke of his band as being “probably more profound than any other cultural phenomenon in Post-War Britain.” In the days when the biggest political songs are being made by Green Day and Eminem, the world has never been in such need of artists prepared to stand up and be counted. The efforts of the Vote For Change tour are obviously not completely wasted. If the rate of new voters continues its trend from this year, it won’t be too long before the nation will truly decide, and not leave it up to those with enough time on their hands.

Can music really affect politics?

Clearly it can. The states visited by Mr Spingsteen and co made up two of the top three voting states, while others recorded all-time high turnouts. What we may need to ask ourselves is whether this music can affect the world? Sales alone cannot justify political relevance, especially when Born in the USA was released 20 years ago this year, and some intended voters weren’t even born then.

Every generation has had its spokesperson. Its time for the new generation of music to act as the new generation’s spokesperson. “It’s all about the music” they all claim; but what about the politics?

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F i l m

grfilms@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

SPONSORED BY STER CENTURY

BEYOND REASON

BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON

Dir: Beeban Kidron Cast: Renée Zellweger, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant

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n the world of inevitable sequels Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason is right up there with Matrix Reloaded and Shrek 2. The first film was a commercial and critical success. The transition from Helen Fielding’s novel to screen was at once hilarious and genuinely emotive. Sadly with the arrival of Edge of Reason comes a hefty avalanche of mismatched kooky cinematic slush.

Set four weeks on from the first film, The Edge of Reason is less a film than a series of non-stop embarrassments. Essentially a festering clone of the original, the film is set to a outwardly chirpy but inwardly shallow soundtrack that panders to the lowest common denominator of feminism and personal liberty.

It’s an aesthetic formula that quickly grows tiresome and gradually becomes devastating as the continuously sporadic narrative forces slapstick humour, lesbian innuendo, and posh blokes fighting (again) upon our weary retinas.

Though Bridget is now dating and

continuously “shagging” Mark Darcy (Colin Firth), she still fails to figure out if he’s a perennial prick or a perfect prince. From society dinners to impromptu visits to Mark’s office, Bridget unfailingly makes a complete fool of herself at every turn. As a result the inevitable downward spiral of grief, contemplation, and inevitable redemption via Ben and Jerry’s ice cream come full circle.

“Like a fat cream cake stuffed nanny toying with an anorexic lonely child” The spectacle of self-deprecation is truly the epitome of westernised selfishness, and nowhere is this more shamelessly on display than when Bridget lands inside a Thai women’s prison for accidentally trying to smuggle cocaine out of the country.

Inside a jail cell overcrowded with local women, Bridget makes a mockery of the women around her. As a result the film arrogantly patronises the third world like a fat cream cake stuffed nanny toying with an anorexic lonely child.

Director Beeban Kidron has the audacity to allow Bridget to show her cellmates how to sing “Like A Virgin.”

This scene is a sad and naive reaffirmation of just how fractured the female experience in the world truly is. This inhumane scene outwardly attempts to unite women via the lyrics of a song that scarcely preaches feminist unity and independence.

In the end, Edge of Reason succeeds only in applauding a materialistic, self-absorbed audiences tenacity for all things insular and meaningless. Where the original was adept at humour and pathos in equal measure Kidron’s film is simply adept at cannabilistically ripping the meat from the carcass of its predecessor.

Kidron and her richly saturated principles have concocted a cheap and excessively trashy vagrant of a film.

Even the presence of a joyfully sleazy Hugh Grant fails to save the picture.

Edge of Reason greedily devours its feminist principles of empowerment before hastily puking them back up in a self-indulgent narcissistic manner.

More disappointing than debilitating Edge of Reason will no doubt reap rich rewards from the masses but it will surely signal the sad demise of a once great franchise.

Craig Driver

THE GRUDGE

Dir: Takashi Shimuzu Cast: Sarah Michelle-Gellar, Bill Pullman apan is slowly integrating into the mainstream and I’m not just talking sushi. Japanese horror has been making waves for years but it was the American remake of The Ring which began to demonstrate the undeniable shock factor of the phenomena.

For Takashi Shimuzu, one version was seemingly not enough as he releases a second English language version of the same film within the space of 12 months. In this second outing, Sarah Michelle Gellar is employed in order to ensure commercial success in the western market and add a little eye-candy to satisfy the masses.

The story follows the premise that when someone dies in a state of terrible rage a curse is born in the place of their death. A mother and son befall a violent tragedy which causes them to crawl in corridors and meow like gothic cats.

The film is full of shocks but sadly fails to deliver any surprises. The opening sequence is suitably unsettling and begins to draw attention to the focal point of all Japanese horror: scary dead girls with long black hair (a box of hair dye and Cousin It would have been way ahead of his time).

The problem lies in an overwhelmingly horrific expectation which is never really fulfilled and a cast of characters the viewer is never given an opportunity to care about.

The fatal flaw of The Grudge is that it bears such a resemblance to The Ring that the viewer is left feeling that the growing commercial awareness of Japanese horror is beginning to blur the boundaries between remake and sequel.

Nathalie Southall

J

A WAY OF LIFE

Dir: Amma Assante Cast: Stephanie James, Oliver Haden, Brenda Blethyn eenage motherhood, petty crime, racism and sporadic violence. This is the way of life of the title. But however bleak A Way of Life is, it touches as well as appalls.

Starting with a scene of eye watering brutality, the narrative then winds back in time to explain how the vicious beating came about. Set in an unnamed Welsh valley town, the film follows Leigh-Ann (Stephanie James), a young mother struggling to raise her baby, Rebecca, on her own. Hassan (Oliver Haden), A Turkish immigrant who lives across the road, bears the brunt of Leigh-Ann’s frustrations.

Despite dealing with weighty issues of single motherhood, national identity and racial hatred, A Way of Life never over-indulges in its miserable

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Little Billy found it so hard to m a ke friends at Primar y

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origins. This is what makes Amma Assante’s debut such a powerful experience. It presents people doing undeniably terrible things before deftly contrasting such atrocities with scenes of great tenderness.

The film hangs upon the brilliance of Stephanie James’ performance as Leigh-Ann. She is loathsome, but at the same time her love for Rebecca is genuinely moving. We see her gleefully pimping out a 14-year-old virgin to get money for her electric metre, and then her naked in the bath tenderly bathing her baby Rebecca.

Assante’s direction works in a similarly dichotomous manner. Beautifully distanced shots of the docks at sunset and the town’s lights twinkling in the night are contrasted with scenes of washed-out urban despair.

A Way of Life gives an unflinching and evocative insight into a world most would like to pretend does not exist.

Tom Seaman

HOUSE OF THE DEAD

Dir: Uwe Boll Cast: Jonathan Cherry, Ona Grauer, Jurgen Prochnow ouse of the Dead has two immediately obvious flaws. Firstly, it’s the back story for the game of the same title, and movies based on computer games have never quite worked. Secondly, it’s a zombie movie.

Say what you like about Romero, zombie movies are inherently trashy.

(Yet let it be noted that they remain infinitely awesome, Ed.) House of the Dead’s undead-infested island is reminiscent of Lucio Fulci’s Zombie Flesh Eaters; when a girl unwisely goes swimming in only a thong, an underwater confrontation between a shark and a zombie seems inevitable.

Instead she is merely the first girl to get gratuitously naked before being eaten alive.

No matter how contrived it may sound this movie is genuinely so bad it’s almost good. It’s so ridiculous – step forward Liberty, an Asian girl in a stars-and-stripes Lycra catsuit, or Captain Kirk of the good ship Lazarus – that taking it seriously is unimaginable.

Revelling in its sheer stupidity is much more fun. The over-extended bullet time gunfight is a work of derivative genius, and the zombie extras give infinitely better performances than the main cast. Throw in some horrific dialogue and some gloriously gory effects and you’re onto a winner.

Sarah Dobbs

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F i l m

BAD SANTA Dir: Terry Zwigoff Cast: Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Bernie Mac

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his is not your typical Christmas movie. In fact its pretty fucking far from being one of those soppy Christmas money earners with cute little elves in.

Although there is actually an elf in the film. He’s a foul mouthed little bastard who is more likely to rob you blind than sing cheery songs about puppies. The film starts with Billy Bob Thornton’s Santa smoking, swearing and propping up the bar and it only gets more offensive from there on.

The story follows Santa and the elf (Tony Cox) as they seek work every Christmas in shopping malls and

SAVED!

Dir: Brian Dannelly Cast: Mandy Moore, Macauley Culkin aved! is a teen movie with a difference, seeing the “liberal and hedonistic” norm and raising the “conservative and Christian” bar.

Mandy Moore plays Jesus-freak Hilary Faye who, amongst other goings-on at American Eagle Christian high school, attempts an exorcism on her pregnant, yet Christian, friend Mary, played by Jena Malone.

It is a pure joy to see many of the annoying sub-cultural phrases, attitudes and behaviour of Christianity ripped apart piece by piece. The film also has the utmost political relevance, the term “degayification” is a Bushism in waiting.

Mary’s doubts about her faith are realistically portrayed, though sadly there isn’t enough bite in the script or enough depth to the characters to make this film more than an armslength swipe at an ever-present cultural majority. The religious will find it funny but inconclusive; the irreligious just plain puzzling.

Having created such a finely observed world for his characters to inhabit Dannelly seems reluctant to draw out more than a cliched “wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just get along?” denoucement.

Saved! is a movie with an ill-defined concept. Sadly with greater conviction and poise Dannelly might have been able to effectively provide a critique of current fundamentalism.

Rob Telford

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then pilfer everything on Christmas Eve. Everything changes however when Santa meets a fat kid with serious issues and a fetish for making sandwiches.

This alternative Christmas tale is awash with profanities, vulgar slang, fake beards and a pissed up Billy Bob Thornton fucking a fat chick in the ass while proclaiming “you ain’t gonna shit right for a week”. These two vile personifications of Christmas spirit aren’t the only ones to provide the laughs though. Bernie Mac is ace as the head of mall security who discovers what the pair are up to and wants in on the deal.

“You ain’t gonna shit right for a week” The token little fat kid also provides a fair amount of amusement as well as some of the heartbreaking sentimental shit that inevitabliy creeps into the film towards the end.

THE CORPORATION

Dir: Mark Achbar, Jennifer Abbott, Joel Bakan.

Cast: Noam Chomsky, Naomi Klein, Michael Moore ith the recent acceptance of documentaries by the cinematic public it was only time before academia reared it’s excessively large head and entered the mainstream.

Originally a concept in book form The Corporation is a quasi-academic attempt to reinvigorate the masses in a revolt against all things big, powerful, and rich. With the recent corporate embarrasements of Enron et al Stateside this documentary film is perfectly timed in its arrival.

The problem is that the academic stylising throughout is somewhat at odds with the cinematic medium in which it attempts to convey its acerbic polemic. Whereas Moore and Spurlock deftly combined scatological humour with political aggression Achbar, Abbot, and Bakan suffer from an incessant compulsion to be serious.

A collection of talking

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Santa: doesn’t care if you’v e been naughty or nice Overall it’s not really a suitable film for the family or for those of you sensitive to the excessive amount of swearing present. However, for those of you out there fed up with all the bright, sparkly Christmas cheer, then it’s a film not to be missed.

Big Al heads sermonise and debate the evil that is corporate business. Cultural experts ranging from No Logo author Naomi Klein, to socialist wizard Noam Chomsky, bob across the screen in a collection of political vignettes that stimulate vital debate concerning economic power and corporate greed.

The Corporation is without doubt an important film but not a particularly entertaining one. At times excessively high-brow the film suffers from a contradiction of premise and concept with ease of accessibility.

Craig Driver

SHAOLIN SOCCER

Dir: Stephen Chow Cast: Stephen Chow, Vicki Zhao

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haolin Soccer is a strange mix of American slapstick comedy and Oriental martial arts, almost like Dodgeball with Shaolin monks.

The film focuses on a group of down-and-out football playing brothers who desperately want to play again. Luckily for them they meet a Shaolin monk eager to spread his knowledge of kung-fu.

What ever you do don’t take this film seriously. It is supposed to be an amusing concoction of outrageous kung-fu effects, excessive overacting and bizarre soccer stunts. In fact the film makers have used the obvious wire-work stunts to great comic effect and the silly characters add to the general mayhem of the movie. In the end the ridiculous moves accompanied with the dodgy CGI effects contribute to the appeal of the film rather than detract from it.

Big Al

The DVDon

Reviews you cant refuse SHREK 2, rel. OUT NOW The Green skinned Ogre returns with jive talking chatterbox Donkey.

While not as witty or original as the first film this nonetheless works well as an ensemble piece with the comedic inclusion of John Cleese as Princess Fiona’s troubled father and Jennifer Saunders as the Wicked Fairy Godmother.

Antonio Banderas as the assassin kitten for hire Puss-in-Boots saves the film from mediocrity and provides some of the funniest and cutest kitten related jokes this side of Cats and Dogs.

The Don Says: “Don’t overestimate the power of forgiveness.”

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN, rel.

19/11/04 Harry is approaching his third year at Hogwarts and god damn things just aren’t getting any easier for the bespeckled little wizard. The murderous convict Sirius Black

MY SUMMER OF LOVE

Dir: Paul Pavlikovsky Cast: Nathalie Press, Emily Blunt, Paddy Considine f ever there is a film to capture the mindless and intoxicating haze of a British summer then My Summer of Love is that film.

Tomboy Mona and seductive Tamsin spend the summer smoking, flirting, and exploring their sexuality.

Polish native Pavlikovsky utilises the lazy summer atmosphere to reflect the development of the two girls relationship. At once erotic and sensual, Press and Blunt shift sweetly between adolescent convulsion and sexual arousal.

Thankfully Pavlikovsky is deft enough in his direction to balance the eroticism with a languid tale of youthful exploration. Part summer idyll, part teen romance, it floats in its intense, heatstruck atmosphere yet manages not to be overwhelmed by it.

Considine is excellent as Phil who unwittingly fractures the relationship between Mona and Tamsin. Adapted

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from Helen Cross’s novel this is a film to intoxicate your senses and arouse your heart.

Craig Driver

Sun, cigarettes, a n d lesbianism: all in all a most excellent summ e r. . .

has escaped from Azkaban, the Dementors are on the loose, and Harry’s hormones are kicking like a fevered mule. Alfonso Cuaron adds a darker tone to the film and as a result forges the best of the series so far. Daniel Radcliffe at lasts portrays Harry with a genuine pathos and tragedy. Harry Potter it would seem is at last growing up.

gets the action scenes right without compromising the visual scope of the film. Alfred Molina as the tragic villain Dr. Octopus is thankfully more authentic in his menace than the Willem Dafoe’s bric-a-brac Green Goblin. Raimi has crafted a superb action blockbuster with genuine charm and raucous abandon.

The Don Says: “I don’t want anything to happen to him while my mother’s alive.”

The Don Says: “When they come, they’ll come at what you love.”

BO SELECTA VOL.3, rel.

22/11/04 Avid Merrion’s anarchic sexual festival of hilarious debauchery reaches its third term. While not to everyone’s taste Bo Selecta does point a fat and sweaty knowing finger at our obsession with celebrity.

Particular highlights include the odd couple pairing of raving lesbian Mel B and Patsy Kensit, Kat Slater’s fatty Bingo Wings, and the continuing adventures of Bear and his uncontrollable knob. A must for those who like their comedy served obscene.

The Don Says: “I swear on the lives of my children - give me a chance to redeem myself, and I will sin no more.”

SPIDERMAN 2, rel. 26/11/04 Sam Raimi continues the webbed franchise improving on the original in all areas. Thematically darker and more intense Raimi finally

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL BILL BAILEY/PART TROLL (LIVE), rel. 22/11/04 Perennial comic genius Bill Bailey finally releases his recent Part Troll tour just in time for Christmas.

This is stand-up at its most splendidly irreverent and wickedly sharp.

Whether it be belting out a dance/trance version of the BBC News theme tune or discussing the finer points of the Argos catalogue Bailey reclaims his status as the ultimate court jester. The funniest and most haphazard two hours ever committed to DVD. The Don Says: Music is great - i like music - but he should finish what he started”

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D i g i t a l

grdigital@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

Master Chief! Wa r thog! Covenant! Wow!

Halo Boys it’s Halo 2 Simeon Rosser-Trokas throws the Covenant right back at you

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an Andreas has had the headlines all to itself recently.

Ninety-nine per cent scores (ok, it good but not that good), unbelievable sales statistics and PS2 exclusivity.

Or in other words it was Sony trying it’s best to nail down the coffin lid on its competitors. Unfortunately for Sony, by the time that you read this Microsoft will have fought back.

Halo 2 is here, resistance is futile.

So, if you enjoyed Halo, then you’ll probably buy Halo 2 regardless of the reviews. In fact you probably pre-ordered it, right? Well good for you. If it’s not already eroded your brain with late night playing over the weekend and you’re going to buy it today then be prepared to consign your degree to the dustbin for a long, long time.

Of course, it’s not perfect, there are some faults - a few too many corridors and a couple of dodgy textures, but nothing to get snide about. If I could use just two adjectives to describe it, they would be epic and stunning - qualities which

it possesses in equal measure.

It would be very, very wrong of me to talk about the plot, as it’s intricacies and depth is responsible for 50% of this game’s greatness.

However, be assured that if you played Halo, then it’s everything that you could want with some truly lavish and hugely impressive cut scenes regularly interspersing the action to deliver one of the most rounded sci-fi tales ever to feature in a videogame.

The gameplay itself is no less sublime: a huge campaign mode with the balance of weaponry, vehicles and enemy AI and the graphical splendour from the original all being refined to near perfection. Combine this with a few new weapons (most notably the Covenant plasma sword) and the ability to wield two weapons at once - it’s enough to make a fan weep with joy and the newbie to sob bitterly as a veteran cuts them in half with a plasma sword time after time in multiplayer.

Ah yes multiplayer… sure this is an amazing single player game but

the multiplayer content sets it apart from all rivals. If you've got Xbox Live you'll be astonished.

In truth, the sheer amount of options is initially overwhelming.

We'll gladly admit that it's going to take weeks of play to understand the subtleties and strategies that are present here and, to be honest, the multiplayer aspect of Halo 2 warrants a review all of its own. But the clan and party support - allowing you to get a team of friends together - is exemplary, and technically, this is superb. Four people playing split-screen on one telly can play over Live. How good is that?

If you haven’t caught on just how good this game is, then let me spell it out loud and clear: Halo 2 is the best FPS available on any format (PC included) - better than Half-Life, better than Doom 3, better than Metroid Prime. Half-Life 2 is going to have to go a long, long way to beat this. Fact.

The Best of the Web Digital

www.joelatham.co.uk

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ut simply joelatham.co.uk is an amazing example of how the Internet can be used as a creative outlet, rather than a tool, or for cheap laughs.

Simply and stylishly presented over a few pages, the site is probably best described as an online portfolio for Joe’s works of art (examples of which are pictured here). But it’s more than that.

The front page provides an invitation to look at either words or pictures, self explanatory, but none the less effective. The pictures encompass both landscapes and portaraits in both realistic and stylistic guises, which the pages of Quench can’t do justice to . The words provide an interesting insight into the past experiences, thoughts and feelings of the artist, allowing for a greater insight into his mind and perhaps even the construction of his work.

Of course, all art is highly subjective. All I know, is that I like what I see and I hope that these examples of his work will at least encourage you to visit and find out for yourself.

I’ll just let these pictures do the talking.

37

B o o k s Quench 15 11 04 Poetry-packed review special 38

VANISHING POINT Tony Petch Ragged Raven Press

AT FIRST glance this looks like the sort of book I was made to read in A Level Design & Tech, although what lies within this book could be considered even more taxing.

However, there is no doubt that some of Petch’s poetry is witty and extremely relevant, giving you that, ‘it’s so true’ feeling.

Petch takes a lot of inspiration from friends, with numerous poems named after people, everyday events and even a few limericks thrown in for good measure. His take on ALevel English Literature exams is sharp and spot on: “Sweating to remember who said what in Act Three Scene One of Romeo and Juliet”.

Petch’s collection shows great diversity in his writing, with themes ranging from morose views of death, poems about love, and then the metaphorical and quite frankly, the outright bizarre. Believe me, trying to comprehend some of Petch’s work on a rainy morning with a stinking hangover is not easy. Petch seems to be suggesting all sorts of ideas, many of which I cannot even begin to understand.

His work is not to be ignored though as this collection does contain many light, easy to read poems and can be enjoyed in that spare moment while waiting for the rain to stop before making the dash to the lecture hall.

Will Schmit

LEO: What’s my line again?

grbooks@cf.ac.uk

PEOPLE FROM BONES Bron Bateman and Kelly Pilgrim Ragged Raven Press

DIRTY LINEN: Can breed wildife OKAY, I CONFESS. Even as an English Literature student the idea of voluntarily reading a poetry book was a shaky step into the unknown.

This is not because I dislike poetry, in fact, quite the opposite. It’s just not the sort of thing I’ve chosen to browse through first thing in the morning.

People from Bones is burgeoning Australian poets Bateman and Pilgrim’s first collection. Both are studying Literature and Creative Writing at Curtin University and their work is totally fresh and innovative; their styles seem to evolve with each page. Though Bron and Kelly stylistically vary quite dramatically, their collections gel seamlessly due to the common subject matter. People from Bones is centred in the universally relevant worlds of love, sex, procreation, birth and death: the essentials of living.

While I wouldn’t use the word controversial, this collection is daring.

No word is forbidden, no topic tabooand its all dealt with in an unpretentious way. The poems are illicitly personal, drawing the reader into their intimate worlds of ‘hot kisses’ and ‘beloved flesh’ yet interspersed with random accounts of ‘dirty linen’ and sneaking into pubs underage. The Pleaser and If I should go before you are highlights.

It really is an essential for any flourishing bookshelf and at £6.50 per copy you’ll even still be able to afford Heat magazine. Go on, I dare you. Give it a try and inject a bit of culture into your life.

Floey Bennett

SEE ME, HEAR ME Various poets People’s Poet

WITH WORK donated by the Manic Depressive Fellowship, this anthology seeks to raise awareness of manic depression. Not all of the poems are written by manic depressives and the preface advises that it is a collection of individual works under the ‘Manic Depression’ heading rather than being a slant on the condition.

See Me, Hear Me is individual.

There is a huge range of poetry in terms of ideas, writing style and presentation. Some of the poems are worth reading just for the imagery, like an old lady ‘discovering ‘self’ with curved talons ripping hot rheumy eyes’.

Not being a sufferer, I cannot say how relevant the poems are to the condition but you do not have to be a sufferer to appreciate the sheer poignancy of the words. Yet I would not consider the work depressing; some of the poems have a very upbeat note.

Accompanied by a list of contacts for relevant organisations, the anthology appeals to those both affected by manic depression as well as a general readership. If the purpose is to enlighten non-sufferers then the poetry works to raise awareness. There is enough variation and quality in the anthology to interest the reader whithout its manic depression heading.

I was pleasantly surprised by this anthology: highly original and incredibly insightful. A definite read.

Emma Langley

HELP: Understanding needed

This week Shell Plant gives us her book nominations Favourite Book: don’t think there is a person I know who didn’t treasure a certain Enid Blyton book or series as a child.

These books are part of the reason I am such a big reader now and I constantly had my nose stuck in an Enid Blyton book when I was small (always well thumbed second hand copies, but that just added to the magic).

For me it was The Magic Faraway Tree series that really caught my imagination. I decided to reread the stories for this article and felt such as nostalgia for my childhood as I read about the adventures of Jo, Bessie, Dick and Fanny with Silky and Moon face as they climbed up the Faraway Tree into various magic lands, got themselves into adventures, ranging from being locked up and kidnapped, to spoiled with lots of goodies. All enjoyed before 4pm when they toddled back home in time for tea.

The simplicity and light-hearted nature of the stories was such a relief compared to all the heavy textbooks I’m now so used to. The posh ‘by Jove’ vocabulary of Blyton may not be credible or even politically correct in today’s society (highlighted by the fact that in the newly published editions Dick is now Rick and Fanny is now Frannie – tsk) but as I child I adored these stories and I like to keep a little bit of the child within.

ROUGH GUIDES SPECIAL: TRAVEL HEALTH Dr. Nick Jones Rough Guides

W

hen it comes to advice on travel health, this book has it all. The thorough section of health issues to consider before you even leave home has advice for travellers with specific needs, such as gap year, pregnant or elderly travellers.

This is followed by an A-Z of diseases, advice on making an initial diagnosis, a brief first aid section and a very useful section covering the geographical distribution of serious diseases with clear charts and maps.

There is also excellent information on alternative remedies, including homeopathy and aromatherapy.

39

Least Favourite Book:

The Magic Faraway tree by Enid Blyton.

I

Books

Beowulf translated by Seamus Heaney.

T

o be honest, I have never read all of this book.

Yes, it was so bad I couldn’t face reading much more than about ten pages.

During my enrolment at my first semester at university, I found myself sitting in a Medieval and Renaissance English lecture. Being told to purchase this enormous book and to have read Beowulf by my first lecture. I did attempt to read the work, honestly I did. But I confess I find all this gloriously epic warfare poetry so tedious.

Beowulf was said to have inspired Tolkien to have written Lord of the Rings, but in my opinion those three books are overrated anyway. The narratives are too complex, there are too many characters for you to establish a true relationship with any of them and, in short, his books are boring, a self-indulgent escape for a reclusive man who couldn’t cope with the reality of the outside world.

So what can that say about Beowulf? Not much really.

Maybe I’m just bitter because my Beowulf lecture was early on a Thursday morning and I resented having to stagger in hung over due to my drunken exploits the night before.

Maybe this kind of overtly patriarchal work is tired, or maybe I’m a more peace-loving citizen, who just wants to read about love and intellect, rather than hear about battles, which occurred centuries ago.

However, this thorough approach is also a weakness. In trying to cover all eventualities there is necessarily a lot of irrelevant information to any one traveller: no-one wants information they don’t need. It might have been a better idea to make the most important section a detachable leaflet, as the main bulk seems more useful before a trip than during it.

A word of warning – this is NOT a book for hypochondriacs. Even those relaxed about their health shouldn’t read this book just before a trip, or you could risk being too terrified to leave the country. This book takes a sensible approach to health but nonetheless, once you’ve read about ten different types of worms waiting to embed themselves in you, you start to look at the world a little differently.

This is an excellent guide for anyone who regularly travels to exotic locations but a little too much for those travelling light - or of a nervous disposition: turn to p. 207 for the fascinating account of the redback spider that likes to hide under the toilet seat.

Laura Tovey

TOILET SEAT: Nasty surprise!

40

Ar ts

Quench 15 11 04

grartsmail@hotmail.com

The New Theatre It’s a West Side Story!

F

ancy being crammed in like a sardine at the New Theatre?

Then this was the show for you.

It seems every cultural fart in this city was out for a piece of the amazing West Side Story ass. And amazing it was. Blinded by all the glitzyglam colours of the costumes and amazing dance routines, every jaw in the place was permanently glued to the floor.

A modern day Romeo and Juliet tale (except with the not so classy names of ‘The Sharks’oh so scary! Quiver in fear. And ‘The

Jets’ - so, erm, cool?) two ‘starcrossed lovers’ meet at a dance but are from rivaling groups and are forbidden to be together (girls these days eh, three pints and any bastard’s the love of your life).

There was the usual Disney-esque singing of songs, which reduced older members of the crowds to tears (boohoo, grandma wet her pants again).

Saying this, I was sickeningly moved by the song, ‘Maria’, sang by Tony (Steve Coleman) from the bottom of a balcony to Maria, declaring his love.

The tragic ending (you can guess it, Tony dies) was also so powerful it reduced me to tears. The only criticism is that the spectacular dancing could have been more co-ordinated, because to be fair, that really messed with the profesionalism of the show.

What really got me though was the detective in the show smoked real fags! What the fuck? Do these directors have no consideration for the health of their audiences? Some poor ex-chain smoker in the front row bla“He likes big butts and he cannot lie...” tantly lost the will to live and ripped

Rosamunde PIlcher’s novel is brought to life on the stage

Shell Seekers

R

osemary Leach steals the show in Rosamunde Pilcher’s beautiful tale of romance, greed and family life.

Set in 1984 (although to look at the costumes you would think you were in a schizophrenic time machine), Penelope (Rosemary Leach)

reminisces about her wartime love affair with Richard. The story is reflected in the lives of Penelope’s newly appointed gardener and ward.

Meanwhile, her three obnoxious children squabble over selling their famous grandfather’s last painting, “The Shell Seekers”.

Whilst the story-line is not particularly deep or complicated, it succeeds in sweeping you into the simple dayto-day life of a family not unlike your own. The minimal yet intricate set maintains focus on the characters, who interact well. The characters of George and Nancy were funny, but a little too two-dimensional and unrealistic.

The play draws on a concoction of emotions- most scenes are lighthearted, but some will bring tears to your eyes. A must see for hopeless romantics and cynics alike.

Alice Curitz

The 1961 film starred a whole bunch of flamingos. off his nicotine patch.

This show blew me away. to a certain extent. With all the dancing, colours and good old cheesy acting.

However, I’m afraid to say guys, it was no tornado.

Laura Quinn

James Dowdeswell @ Seren Las

The Comedy Network at Seren Las can always be relied upon to provide genuinely funny entertainment. This was no exception.

Greg Davies is possibly the only man who could convince an entire room of people that they should definately have a boiled egg for an eye.

Isy Suttie hosted a real mixture of stand-up and bizarre songs.

Favourites were God Save Jamie Oliver (From My Fist) and her impression of Dido down a well, which beats the real Dido any day.

James Dowdeswell, the headline act, was hilarious. If you don’t think that it’s possible for a white guy, with an afro and a lazy eye, to ‘do’ Samuel L Jackson in a Fairy Liquid advert, then go to the Glee Club in spring and prepare to be proven wrong.

Hannah Perry

If you go down to St. Fagans today you may not get the fright you were looking for!

I

t wasn’t until I was walking through the creepy village of St Fagans that I began to question my being there.

The patches of mist amongst the silhouettes of spindly trees lit only by the light of the moon, created the perfect atmosphere for a ghost tour. For those not in the know, The Museum of Welsh Life at St. Fagans is a reconstruction of traditional Welsh life, with houses dating back five hundred years.

Amongst these old cottages, shops and chapels are the ghosts that haunt them. We were guided round the buildings which claimed to endure strange happenings. At times the guide created a feeling of suspense, engrossing all the audience in his tales – well me and the six-year-old witches, but unfortunately he often rushed the climaxes.

The stories themselves were not scary in the least. It seemed that the museum itself experienced little paranormal activity, as most tales were located in North Wales. Despite the huge number of young children on the tour, the guide engaged more with the

adults with jokes about Graham Norton and his big words, which confused my flatmate.

Fortunately, the stories didn’t give me nightmares, although the black cat which followed us around did. I don’t think the three foot skeletons eased my sleep much either. All the kids loved it, leaving with comments such as, “That was sooo cool!” It did leave me wondering whether my parents really enjoyed themselves as much as I used to when taken to similar attractions.

Amy Harrison

Arts

41

What’s on this fortnight?

Danny the Champion of the World at The Sherman

For those of us who cherish the child within, step back and enjoy the Roald Dahl classic in its world stage premier.

Nov 19 - Jan 15.

Rock at Devious at Cardiff Barfly

Apparently putting the ‘Rock back into Thursdays’ with the best rock and metal. 11 Nov and 23 Dec.

The Piano Tuner at New Theatre Between the stages of being a book to becoming a film, this opera takes to the stage telling a story of love, war and betrayal. Soon to be a major film starring Jude Law (any excuse!) 21 Nov.

Mark Thomas at The Sherman

Described as a comedian who believes in action. Political humour, apt. 29 - 30 Nov. See interview p8.

The Crucible at New Theatre

A deeply disturbing account of the McCarthy era depicting a group of girls accused of witchcraft. 30 Nov - 4 Dec.

The Butetown History and Arts Centre Where his hands decay, mine begin.

Faces, Cultures and Identities

THIS EXHIBITION comprises of two video clips on a continuous loop one of which at face value shows two hands in juxtoposition, one writing in Arabic and the other in English, and the other showing two pairs of hands resting on a plain surface, moving in a state of restlessness.

The artist is exploring the difficulties of a dual nationality in defining what role the individual holds in society. It represents the artist’s confusion at his own identity, which is reflected in his ability at language, in terms of fluency in both English and Arabic. In speaking each, the individual is taking on a different identity.

The piece is very focused on the artist himself and as an outsider, it is quite difficult to take on the issues which are being highlighted. While at the centre it is worth viewing, it does not hold the vitality to make it worth the trip on its own.

23 October – 21 November, free admission.

DESCRIBED AS ‘an exploration of race and identity in Wales today’, this exhibition is a work in progress.

Hamza is a resident artist at the centre and is extending his collection over the next three months. At first this made me a little uncomfortable, but my interest soon got the better of me as I spent time looking into the eyes of the paintings and exploring their meanings.

With Hamza stood behind me, painting another portrait of a local black woman, I could feel the sense of community that is paramount to this collection. In the fight against racism and discrimination, these paintings loudly voice the defiant and victorious opinions of these identities who have struggled in becoming part of the community of Butetown.

Each individual is held in a proud stance, although there is a definite feeling of isolation. There is a clear sombre overtone which seemed to

A video work by Rabab Ghazoul

Portraits by Hamza with local voices.

suggest that although the battle was won, the damage had been done.

Look at these paintings for their artistic value first and then read the life story that is written for them, with a second viewing, it is then clear that their story is reflected in their eyes.

19 October – 16 January, free admission.

Natalie Slater

Going Out

Quench 15 11 04

42 Photo: Charli Palmer

E

ven the perpetually skint can surely muster up at least one visit to Cardiff’s bright and shiny bay development. We braved taxi fares, Burberry-clad chavs and a few Pimms-quaffing Hooray Henrys to bring you a taste of the variety of what’s on offer

grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

E v o : B u r b e rr y c o m e s a s s t a n d a r d

PEARL OF THE ORIENT Mermaid Quay THIS STYLISH eatery is located in the oh-so-cosmopolitan Mermaid Quay with a great view out over the bay and across to the bright lights of Penarth, shimmering like a poor man’s Vegas in the distance.

We were greeted by a legion of smiling little Chinese in silk pyjamas, who were so bustling and efficient throughout the meal that we seemed to have about twenty waiters dedicated to our personal needs.

The menu leaves you spoilt for choice. I didn’t have it, but for its name alone my favourite dish was the ‘steamed duck and Shaolin Monk’s vegetables’; amazing to think that those holy fathers would be willing to lay down their lives for the sake of diners like me. What I did plump for was the £15 shared set menu - with a selection of half a dozen dishes to pick at you get a bit of everything and it’s all top quality, especially the beef in mandarin sauce.

My enjoyment was initially tempered, however, by the sudden realisation that I’d never actually learned to use chopsticks. I was overtaken by a self-conscious sinking feeling as I envisaged my night descending into not so much Pearl Of The Orient, more Pearl Harbour. But, after several inept attempts that saw sticks and seaweed flying, I finally mastered the crafty little buggers. Ancient civilisation my arse – they didn’t even get round to knives and forks.

But seriously though, this is a classy joint in a classy location. If Fortune House on Salisbury Road stops doing the business for you, push the boat out (well, get a taxi) and go enjoy the bay.

Dave Adams

EVOLUTION

THE GLEE CLUB

Atlantic Wharf

Mermaid Quay

ARE YOU bored of going to clubs in the city centre that play the same music, with the same people going there and the same queues to get the same drinks offers? Then why not head down to the bay and go to Evolution, which has all of the above as well as the added bonus of a taxi ride.

Although well out of student-ville, which may mean communicating with some undesirables from the outside world (or Splott), Evolution does have certain benefits. For a start it’s bigger than an American's jeans, with two separate rooms of music. If you don't want to hear some bland pop-dance-SClub-7-shit in room one, don't worry, just flip-reverse into room two and you'll get some bland-commercial-hiphop-crap. The dancefloors are also spacious enough to fit a Goldie Lookin’ Chain vs. Blazin' Squad rapoff, so there’s plenty of room to wow the opposite sex with your spectacular body-pops. You’ll probably even spot Jack Scully bouncing away in the corner.

Evolution’s greatest advantage, however, are its drinks promotions. In fact, their bottles of disco-piss can be so cheap during the week it brings back memories of the halcyon days of drinking cheap cider in the park.

Come the end of the night, make sure you've got enough bank cards and mortgages to cover the taxi home. Or you could brave it and try to walk home through wild streets. Or you could stay sober and drive, but what's the fuckin' point in that?

Steve Crofts ... the Brian Sewell of Quench

WE ALL love Creation on a Monday, Metros on a Wednesday and Come Play on a Saturday, but for a change, head out to the beautiful, recently redeveloped Cardiff Bay for a night of laughs at The Glee Club.

Situated in Mermaid Quay, it’s only a short £6 taxi ride from the union, and those fearing about the costs of entry can rest easy, as a valid NUS card will get you in for half-price. The drink prices aren’t bad and the food’s pretty good too.

The usual set-up for a night consists of one comedian acting as compere, whilst three others do their best to entertain in their 20-minute slots and their best has always been good enough for me. The comedy generally starts at nine and finishes around midnight, with plenty of short gaps for you to refresh those glasses. From time to time the club attracts some "special" shows. Recently the club played host to comedians preparing for the Edinburgh Festival, and US comic Rich Hall took over for a night to deliver his sarcastic views on the world.

As a fan of comedy and a regular visitor, I can safely say that a good night out can be guaranteed at The Glee Club - as long as you accept the risk of being seated in front of a stand-up who sees your hairstyle, your clothes or generally just you as material for a joke.

Brendan Coopey Come and ‘ave a go if you think you’re hard enough. Meetings 5pm Mondays, 4th floor. Email grmagazine@cf.co.uk.

C u l t C l a s s i c s

grclassics@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

43

Britt Eckland’s breasts were supposed to be here, and in many ways, they are sorely missed. As the context would be pure titillation: “it’s just one of those things” (Gary Andrews) GRIM FANDANGO

THE WICKER MAN

WISH YOU WERE HERE

Publisher: Lucasarts (1998)

Dir: Robin Hardy (1974)

Pink Floyd

Grim has a Mrs Robinson moment Grim Fandango is one of those games that was released to critical acclaim, but went on to sell, oh I don’t know, about 15 copies. Tops. This is not only being written to inform you all of its existence, but also as a desperate plea for you to all go out and buy it.

Right now. I don’t work for Lucasarts; I just want Cardiff to see what it’s been missing.

An adventure game in the style of the Monkey Island series of a bygone age, Grim Fandango was pretty much the last of the truly great games of the genre. Obviously somewhat lacking in the graphics department these days, back “in the day” it was as close to real as you could get.

Working with a quasi-Cuban theme in the land of the dead, the cast of Grim Fandango, was (and still is) an exuberant bunch: skeletal travel agents, dead anti-capitalist rebels, and communist hippies to name but a few.

What makes Grim Fandango truly worthy of cult classic status though, is that it is one of the few games in existence to actually make you laugh.

The problem is that, as with all games from this particular genre, its masochistically hard in places; if your brain doesn’t think logically, it could very well last you until the day you die. Value for money doesn’t come much better than this. So scour the budget shelves and I’ll be amazed if you find it anything less than superb.

Iain Hutchins

Starring: Christopher Lee, Britt Eckland

EMI (1975)

My mother’s bottom. There, I said it.

My singular claim to fame is my mum’s backside, which makes an appearance as Britt Eckland’s body double in the established cult film The Wicker Man. In spite of this, the film is a significant contribution to British cinema, and well worth watching. It centres on the isolated community of Summerisle and their pagan religious practises resulting in the sacrificial murder of a Christian police officer lured to the island. Mystery and controversy surrounded its production. Rumour has it that 368 cans of the original footage lies buried under the M3 motorway.

Production encountered numerous

Wish You Were Here is an album of only five songs. However, given that two of these songs last over twelve minutes, it’s not really a problem. The two songs both titled Shine on you Crazy Diamond are fantastic winding blues guitar driven epics. Dave Gilmour shines (no pun) with his lead guitar work, particularly part two which is a fantastic example of musicianship as the song builds slowly to a blistering guitar solo and then a funky middle and hazy ending - perfect for driving slightly too fast to.

Sandwiched in the middle of these two epics are three shorter but equally fantastic songs. Have a Cigar is a classic piece of rock and roll against The Man with the immortal line “Oh by the way which one’s pink?’ The Machine contains similar ideas and the use of various synthesizers, open guitar chords, and strings creates a mesmerising effect while the lyrics are more said than sung.

Pink Floyd are often labelled as stoner rock which, although possibly true, is certainly not all they have to offer. Dave Gilmour’s guitar work and the pervading sense of atmosphere carry the music far beyond ‘stoner rock’ and into the pantheon of rock and roll legends; this is certainly an album which belongs in any serious collection.

Dan Worth

No nudity required setbacks, from Eckland’s appalling Scottish accent (subsequently dubbed over), to locals of the town where it was filmed complaining about the burning of live animals on set. Not so much scary as unsettling, the horror is not of the gore variety, but is subtly evolved through the plot, meriting its own fan mag, ‘Nuada’, plus many websites and documentaries have been made on the film.

Aside from Eckland, the film also features Christopher Lee, now better known as Saruman, who said this film is his personal favourite. It was made for about £2.50, yet includes some fabulous, eerie set pieces, like the huge wicker figure that they burn their victim in at the end, and is a must see for all cinema fans.

Sarah-Louise Godfrey

PINK FLOYD: red hot

44

F o o d

grfood@cf.ac.uk

Quench 15 11 04

Downsize me Find out how Kyle Evans went from THIS... to THIS... in a subversive twist on the movie Supersize Me

A

nd so it came to pass that your humble correspondent decided to eat nothing but salad for one week.

In case you’ve been under a rock for the past few months, you’ll know in the movie, director Morgan Spurlock eats only McDonald’s meals for a month. The result is that he piles on the pounds and basically pickles his insides, but what effect will the opposite diet have?

Before I go on let me say I’m radically opposed to drastic diets and the way that they seemingly consume their victims’ lives. I’m perfectly fit and healthy and, at a pretty average 11 stone, I don’t need to shed the weight, but I am fascinated to see how sticking to a strict regime will affect my body and mind. How will this radical vegetarianism change my dayto-day life?

Day one With fantastic foresight I forget to buy supplies on the night before I begin my challenge, so a coffee has to suffice for breakfast (I haven’t given myself any restrictions on drink).

On my way home from lectures I drop into the supermarket to pick up my first fix. At the counter I just about resist the urge to shout: “Look everyone! Look at me and then look at the contents of my trolley! I’m clearly a student yet I have nothing but fruit and veg! Shame on you and your cheap German sausages!”

Thankfully I resist, but I do allow myself to peer condescendingly into other people’s baskets - I intend to take what enjoyment I can from the project.

Evening brings the first salad of the week, which has the sweetness of novelty, but my self-imposed sanction on any luxury salad items (meat, cheese, eggs, bread, potatoes) means that I’m left pretty empty afterwards. Bring on the next six days.

Day two Breakfast poses a challenge once again; I don’t want to eat salad first thing in the morning, nor do I have the time or patience to prepare it. I grab a cup of coffee and an apple, which turns out to be lunch too since sandwiches are a strict no-go.

My energy and concentration levels are practically non-existent by the end of a gruelling day of lectures, but I

guess this is not unusual for 5 o’clock on a Friday.

Another large, but pretty unfulfilling salad follows, and while munching on cherry tomatoes in front of the evening TV my mind begins to wander to Saturday night. I’m not going to last five minutes on alcohol at this rate, and the thought of trying to quell a hangover with lettuce leaves is even more terrifying.

Day three It’s Saturday morning and I decide to go for a run to see how my body copes with exercise after a couple of carbfree days. I’m quite fit so running is usually not a problem, but after 30 minutes of epic struggle I crawl pathetically back through the front door, a shadow of my former self.

As the day progresses I realise that the diet has made me incredibly lethargic. I also have to wrap myself up in several layers on a fairly mild day. To top all of this off I have come to realise that I haven’t visited the toilet since before Day One. Evening draws closer, and I devour my most enormous salad yet as an attempt to put some substance into my shrivelled stomach, soon to be bombarded with alcohol.

As it turns out, my efforts are in vain and after just a couple of drinks I’m slurringand find myself trying to order a ‘Snakeblight and Back’ at the bar.

Food

45

The creaminess is heavenly and my guilt is crushed when I’m reminded that I’ve basically spent six days on detox – albeit with the coffee going in the wrong end.

My stomach must have somehow shrunken along the way since I don’t feel at all hungry when I go to bed.

Day seven

BLOODTHIRSTY: Kyle felt a little like a vegetarian shark during the week he lived on salad

Day four The dreaded hangover. I remained conscious enough to resist the temptation of fast food after the club, but now my body is absolutely craving something, anything substantial and warm. Suffice to say my bowl of fruit (breakfast has now increased to a tomato, two plums and an apple) looks about as inviting as a Slim-fast shake to Daniel Bedingfield.

I am now resigned to the fact that I will never be full while on this diet; you could sit and eat salad literally all day and you would never be satisfied.

The day doesn’t get much more fun as I have to complete several assignments for Monday morning on an empty stomach.

Then I’m forced to watch my housemate wolf down not one but two pub meals whilst I sit nursing a coke.

This is by far the hardest moment I’ve had to endure so far - my stomach does somersaults as I watch the smug git chow down on a smothered chicken breast followed by a cheeseburger and chips.

There is none of the green stuff on the menu so I trudge home feeling particularly sorry for myself and start the familiar salad-preparation process. Three days to go.

Day five I can’t help but think that Spurlock got it easy. He got it all; stomach ache, wind, sweating, vomiting, mood swings, depression. All I get is a constant nagging feeling of emptiness, and I don’t mean in a spiritual way.

I’m also now starting to feel incredibly concerned about my frankly nonexistent bowel movements.

Admittedly I’ve only been eating different shapes of water for six days, but even so - six days, man! I’ve eaten a hell of a lot of sweetcorn in that time, and it must have gone somewhere.

Day six By now I’m really starting to feel the effects of the lack of calories in my diet. Waking for 9am lectures was always a struggle, but now it feels like I’ve run a marathon every time I get out of bed.

The words “How’s the salad thing going” are also really starting to grate, especially since they are usually spurted out through a mouth halffull with greasy pastry.

After lectures from nine to five only accompanied by my customary lunch – two apples – I meet my girlfriend as promised at Wetherspoon’s. It is at this point that I crack. There was no way in the world I could sit and watch pub food being devoured for the second day in a row and I order a Caesar salad, cheese and all.

Just when colonic irrigation starts to sound like a reasonable idea, on day seven my bowels finally rumble into life.

I am genuinely concerned that a whole week’s salad manifests itself as one small pebble with the density of diamond, but I do take some relief from managing to go at all.

This, however, is the least of my concerns, since Wednesday proves a real challenge. Being on my own all day, I sit in the living room trying not to look at the fridge, much like Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream.

Luckily I make it through and I can even say that I enjoy my last supper.

It’s like saying goodbye to an old friend as the final forkful of leafy greens slides down, and when I wake in the morning I am free to pollute my body with those luxuries protein and carbohydrates once again.

The verdict So what were the results of this mad week? This was the first diet I’ve ever been on in my life and it hasn’t done anything to improve my opinion of them.

My life was dominated by the project - food was literally all I could think about for a week. I would go to bed fantasizing about all of the foodstuffs I couldn’t have, and when I woke, my exhaustion just reminded me of them even more. And though I lost 6 pounds on the diet – as much as Spurlock gained in his first week on fast food – I know that the weight will naturally come back as I return to my usual diet.

People are meant to be all shapes and sizes, that’s what makes us interesting. I admit that my chosen diet was a little extreme, but some supposed miracle diets are just as ridiculous - and people subscribe to them in their thousands. I would rant on, but I can hear that greasy steak calling from the pub. Cheers!

O p i n i o n ?

I ’ l l h a v e

F

O o h , o n e

irstly, a word on fox hunting. As long as thousands of commercially reared animals, whose sole purpose is to be part of the glittering array of meat or dairy-related products that make up this nation’s shopping basket, live out their brief lives in filth and pain, then the lives of a few foxes pale into insignificance.

Although I heartily disapprove of fox hunting, I cannot believe the sheer amount of publicity that this idiotic sport and its equally idiotic ‘protestors’ is given by today’s media.

Yeah – killing foxes is cruel. So is veal, battery eggs, tuna mayonnaise and cereal manufacture. Mass-market farming is responsible for countless amounts of death and deprivation, and yet one doesn’t hear a lot of voices raised against it.

Interesting.

Is the issue ignored because so many of us are dependent on the industry or because tuna fish, hens and cows aren’t as cute as foxes?

It’s always the cute animals like seals, foxes and donkeys that get the publicity when the issue of animal cruelty is brought into view. After all, what a boring afternoon it would be spent picketing the dairy when there’s toffs to annoy and ickle fox cubs to defend. (No matter that foxes are essentially feral dogs whose prime food is domestic animals and carrion, or that the majority of hunt protestors are as much over-privileged snobs as their targets. Oh no.)

Basically, when it comes to pseudo-political action and inverted snobbery, protesting for animal rights in such childish ways as hunt sabbing is a great way for confused liberals to feel empowered without really questioning anything about the world as it stands.

Hundreds of people die from

starvation, but no-one notices, as the sight of some red-coated wankers ripping up a fox is somehow more important.

Learn to think, morons!

A brief indication of the growing malaise in popular culture is the rise of media such as chavscum.com, and the wholesale canonisation of Stephen Morrissey. I, for one, do not consider these schools of thought to be unrelated. Not since the days of Thatcher has such woolly thinking and snobbery taken hold of youth culture. What? You’ve read a couple of books? Even Oscar Wilde? I’m so sorry: had I known that before I would have brought my fucking medals with me.

Did you actually stop to consider that meeting people, making your own discoveries and then forming your opinions might be a better course of action than taking an overpaid media prick’s word on the matter? If you really must conform to stereotypes, then at least make them an idiom of your own creation, for God’s sake!

An intelligent observer interjects: Then surely the good readers should have no recourse to pay heed to your somewhat patronising advice?

Gates responds: Curses! Yet again my web of mendacity has been exposed! Oh, the humanity!

That tuna pasta salad bowl you’ve just bought - yup, that’s pretty cruel all right

Just one more thing: stop using so much mayonnaise.

It’s just not necessary! Do you actually want your food to taste entirely the same? I can’t be the only one to have noticed that the “epidemic” of obesity has arrived not long after the rise of mayonnaise to become Britain’s number one condiment, and the decline in use of cigarettes, surely?

Quench 15 11 04

47

Your Horoscopes... with Madame Cynthia Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) Hey, cuntface, it’s yo’ birthday, we’re gonna party like it’s yo’ birthdy.

What a pity you aren’t invited.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 Dec 21) We all like to take a drink now and then. So what if you like driving a steamroller at the same time?

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Those are my undergarments and I demand you remove them immediately. On the other hand... you keep ‘em.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 18) Good Lord! Larry! Is it really you? But the warts - they’re all gone!

Oh, I see. Not on the face, then.

Pisces (Feb19 - Mar 20) Sadly, all signs point to your imminent suicide, afer you witness some chavs dancing along to Meat is Murder. Ha, ha, ha.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) Your morbid fascination with the rear ends of farm animals will get you into trouble again this weekend.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) Tragedy strikes as you realise you have a choice of only two male role models - lads’ mags or mainstream musical groups. Looks like it’s suicide for you, pal. Again.

Gemini (May 22 - June 22) This week, two of your favourite vital organs stop working. To find out which ones, ask your local butcher.

He knows, believe me.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) That shortage of

Branston pickle is really starting to get to you, isn’t it?

Leo (July 23 - Aug 23) Although that outfit is simply superb, it’s not really hiding the fact that you’re not a real doctor. Mind you, most people seem to have fallen for it so far.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) You know, living at the bottom of a well may have its advantages after all. On the other hand, it might not.

Either way, you’ll have plenty of oppurtunities to discover which is the case after next week.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) In our society, it’s common convention to remove one’s underwear before defacating. Just thought you might like to know that.

And so, yet again, I must bid you adieu, oh readers. I am, quite frankly, absolutely sick of being edited by that fool Gates, and thus I think things may change for the better by next issue.

Thanks also to Mr G. Evans, who requested a larger picture of me for his private collection.