Quench - Issue 21

The Guardian Student Media Awards: Runner-Up - Magazine Of The Year Volume 2 Issue 21 February 2005

G r een

I

Da y

Th e Fu tu

r eh

ead

s

d l i w dle Th e NME To u r

//Exclusive interviews with The Futureheads, Idlewild and New Found Glory // // Live reviews including Green Day, The NME Awards Tour and Kosheen // Film // Sexy Stars // Features // Road signs // Going out // More old man pubs //

INTERVIEWS - FASHION - GAY - TRAVEL - MUSIC - BOOKS - DIGITAL - FILM - ARTS - FOOD - GOING OUT

Contents

quench@gairrhydd.com

Ten Storey Love Song...

4 6 9 12 14 18 22 31 36 38 43 46 50 52 53 55

One Trick Pony like words, dislike bears Debate: Yay or nay to Neighbours Interviews: Now known as JFK Airport...?

Fashion: One off the wrist Features: Signs. Not just a rubbish film Travel: Anyone remember ‘Man O Man’?

Gay: Dum dum de-dum, dum dum de-dum...

Music: The NME rolls into town sans horse Digital: Um Bongo, dey drink it in de Congo Books: Lick some pussy. Catwoman, that is...

Film: Burt Reynolds and hot chicks, yeah!

Arts: Which witch is which?

Going Out: Straight Outta Canton Sport: Lick some box - I mean boxing.

Where’s Phil? Find Phil Collins, innit?

Bastian Springs. He does, you know...

Executive editor Gary Andrews Quench editor James Anthony

Arts Debbie Green, Laura Quinn, Natalie Slater Blind Date Lisa O’Brien Columnist John Widdop Books Kerry-Lynne Doyle Cult Classics Catherine Gee Debate Bethany Whiteside Digital Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley, Hannah Perry Film Craig Driver, Catherine Gee, Alan Woolley Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Dave Adams Interviews Will Dean, Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare, Jon Davies One Trick Pony Geordie Chris, Chris “Astro” Bowden Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson Sport Thom Airs Travel Sarah Cummins, Laura Tovey Contributors Richard Lilly, Will Schmit, Reshma Patel, Nick Thakkar, Greg Cochrane, Dave Jennings, David Ford, Jadine Wringe, Alex Buxton, James Skinner, David Sutheran, Richard Lombardo, David Menon, Kim O’Connor, Rob Martin, Georgie Mavrakis, Victoria Caudy, Robert Sharples, Gareth Paisey, Colm Loughlin, Mike Hyde, Katie Sinfield, Rob Telford, Michael Peterson, Ellen Waddell, Mark Kelly, Thom Airs, Bastian Springs Photographers and illustrators James Perau Proof readers John Stanton, Alys Southwood, Rachel Browne, Ailsa Chalk Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: You’re breaking my balls.

You’re debating my parentage. You’re eating my pizza. You’re likening my publication to Hullfire.

Quench 21 02 05

3

Pine Fresh

BY THE TIME you read this, Valentine’s Day will be dead. Should this commercialised festival of vapid emotion have passed you by with less than satisfactory results, it may be some small comfort to hear of Some People Worse Off Than You. The homeless; people with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease; the Scottish rugby team; vegans; people called “Geoffrey”; The Cheeky Girls; people who’ve had a cockroach lay eggs in the skin of their tongue...

But also spare a thought for a good friend of mine, who travelled all the way to Italy, to spend a week with his absent beloved. On the fourth day, his missus finished with him. On Valentine’s Day. You may have friends in a similar situation. There are stock platitudes that come into play in this situation.

“There’s plenty more fish in the sea.” Why in the name of everything holy would this be of any comfort to a human being attracted to other human beings? Inter-species relations should not be encouraged.

On the other hand, an interesting response in lieu of these empty words would be to buy your friend Animal Farm, or some of those underwater porn videos. Same thing really - is the medium the message...?

“You are better off without him/her.” How, exactly? Unless she/he was slipping measured doses of arsenic into their cereal, or had a scorching case of herpes, this often isn’t true.

However, new-found freedom does give rise to plenty of opportunity to indulge in pulling others, resulting in... a scorching case of herpes.

Did I get any cards? Yes, in case you mistake this rant for the whine of the ignored. Did I send any? Mind your own beeswax! The only thing worse than not getting Valentine’s Cards is being disappointed about who they’re from. Actually, getting one from your mum is pretty bad, but that’s an extension of the latter point.

And no, I didn’t get one from my mum. At least, I don’t think I did.

04

One Trick Pony

Quench 21 02 05

(Overrated) ( Proofreaders ) The Quench team spends hours writing the magazine, designing the pages and perfecting the work. Many of us leave in the early hours of the morning, leaving our hard work in the hands of the proofreaders.

Their purpose is to correct any errors of spelling and grammar that may occur due to extreme fatigue and/or falling asleep at the keyboard. What actually happens, however, is that existing mistakes are ignored and make their way into the magazine unscathed. Instead, brand new errors are plucked out of thin air and grafted onto the page, like the phantom commas that keep making their way into things written by me. If this continues, certain people may be feeling the business end of my foot connect with their arse. It makes me look like a twat, and I can do that fine myself.

As a lifestyle choice, University is unbeatable. However, that’s where the fun stops. I say this because we are all, essentially, still at school. Our weekdays consist mainly of learning things, with the sole objective of getting better-qualified in the hope of landing a half-decent job, or at least one not requiring full frontal nudity. This is fundamentally the same ‘working life’, if you like, as that begun at the age of four. On top of this, the Ultimate Goal of coming to uni the Degree - is devalued because everybody has one. Sadly, the Real World may not be much better, as it requires work - people expect results. So come summer I’ll be in queue for state benefit in a Full Monty recreation, possibly also culminating with full frontal nudity.

( University )

(Underrated) ( Literacy ) I nearly wrote about the Bilingual policy, and in the section above, before deciding that it’s perhaps not so much ‘overrated’ as petty-minded. Perhaps if all the Welsh-speakers can read the English-language notices in the Union but simply prefer to read the Welsh, then the notices should be in every language spoken by registered students of the University. Or at least in every official European Union language. If we absolutely must have a bilingual policy, can we at least have a literacy policy? The standard of spelling and grammar in the Union building is appalling. Even the constitution has required amendment to eliminate the errors in use of English that one would hope schoolkids wouldn’t make.

You’re supposed to be at University for fuck’s sake, sort yourself out.

Strictly, crossing the road on your own, without having to seek permission from a little electronic green chap. Particularly when this occurs at about half past three in the morning and there’s clearly no traffic for about five miles.

Even in the middle of the day, it’s simple enough to find a gap in traffic without resorting to help aimed at kids of about ten, as long as you follow the advice of the (slightly annoying) hedgehogs of road-safety-advert fame, but without the singing, to avoid getting twatted by traffic. Today’s students are tomorrow’s real people, and it seems that many are scared of roads.

However, the use of a lollipop lady to cross the road is perfectly acceptable for any fully grown adult person.

( Crossing the road )

( L e g e n d )

D

espite being more orange than a bright Northern Ireland future, Robert Kilroy-Silk breaks the dictum of a well-known fizzy drink advertisement by being completely unaware that he’s been Tangoed.

And that’s only the start of the fun to be had with everyone’s tenthfavourite daytime TV knob, and for this he finds himself on this page: for Making Politics Amusing.

Grabbing the attention of the European Parliament with repeated shouts of “oi” is an inspired way to make oneself heard, and still has me laughing even now.

Kilroy claims to wish to keep European culture and influences out of Britain. He then decided to call his

One Trick Pony

05

new party Veritas - the latin for ‘truth’.

That’s latin, originating in Rome. This had me both pissing and shitting myself with laughter.

On the subject of ‘truth’, Mr KilroySilk gave a speech centred around his assertion that Britain needs politicians that won’t lie to them. Good of him to point this out, or it might never have occured to anyone.

In this same speech, he described Australia’s immigration policy as “open”, thereby proving himself to be truly moronic. Presumably, he is under the impression that the UK is still delivering them our undesirables.

I imagine he also believes they go there for Aborigine-hunting training.

For discrediting loony right-wing parties there’s no better man for the job.

Robert Kilroy-Silk MEP

Veritanned

( T o s s e r )

M

any of you will have been drawn to Tosser this week by the delightful cartoon mammal to the right.

Well, wake yourselves up and brace yourselves for some home truths; Yogi bear is a psycho. Yogi was raised with social protocols unsuited to his species - he was raised by ants. While this may excuse his diet of picnics, it does little to endear him to passing tourists foolish enough to come too close, at whom he throws jars of concentrated sulphuric acid.

Not the sort of role-model his young protégé needs. Boo-Boo, whilst we’re on the topic, was, as his name suggests, an accident conceived by Yogi in 1961 whist on holiday in Kavos with Top Cat, Betty Rubble and

Jane Jetson. The mother (Jetson you slag), then posted the stunted lovechild to Yogi. In one of fate’s crueller twists, he was sent on a cargo ship with a large consignment of jam infested with ants. These ants then nurtured him through those early formative weeks in a manner not dissimilar from Yogi.

The kleptomaniac duo now roam Jellystone park freely, Yogi justifying their actions to the slightly brighter Boo-Boo (a brain being the only thing Jane ever gave him).

And this is exactly how you will find them now, stealing picnics from Park Ranger Smith, and offering cheap, quick cosmetic surgery solutions to any passing tourist foolish enough to try and stop them.

And it’s a really shit cartoon.

Yogi Bear "Oi" – Robert Kilroy-Silk in the European Parliament

Thieving git

final thoughts (...)

"You should be on the stage" – to be continued...

06

Debate

Neighbours A mainstay of student life?

FOR Georgie Mavrakis

S

pigin’ awesome. That indeed is what Neighbours is to me, and I suspect a large proportion of the student population as well. It is beyond me why the positive aspects of such a well rounded, televisual feast have to be pointed out, for I think they are about as strikingly obvious as some of Susan Kennedy’s latest fashion statements.

Oversized purple cardigans aside, Neighbours has a lot to offer students looking for a well-earned break from the toil of daily study. As other Neighbours fans have pointed out, the show’s twice-daily airing offers us much more than just another chance to lust over the hot bods of Boyd and Sky. The soap acts as a kind of ‘sanity regulator’; if you’re sitting down at 5.35 having already watched the 1.40 showing you know something is seriously wrong. Reassurance is also gained from the given understanding that all your housemates and friends are at a guaranteed location at these allotted times, safe in the knowledge that everyone abides by the unwritten law of no unnecessary conversation for the precious 25 minutes.

This blissful time provides us with a thorough social education. Neighbours is not only a peephole into the idiosyncrasies of Australian language and culture, but also a sort of ‘Trisha figure’, facilitating discussion on the trauma of IVF and the benefits of Viagra. Where would we be today without knowing the dangers of rowing boats and putting up posters for a band? Characters like Izzie Hoyland and Harold Bishop have in effect prevented us from encountering physical and mental distress; learning from their misfortunes we have the rest of our lives to enjoy, having learnt about mental trauma and alcoholism.

Some may see the increase in the amount of sex on Neighbours as a depressing sign of television’s demise into a guttural form of entertainment, attempting to win over viewers with Boyd in suspenders and girls dabbling in lesbianism. I welcome this; Neighbours discusses sex to a degree where it is acceptable and educational to all, making what was once in the 80s an adequate daytime soap with the odd shot of Scott topless, to one where Ramsay Street’s residents spend a fair amount of time talking about, having or embodying sex- hoorah!!

AGAINST Victoria Caudy

N

eighbours is not a soap opera – it is a children’s TV programme. Pure and simple. It is shown at times when only children, students and people on the dole are home to watch it. Just as the Tellytubbies repeats itself, catering as it does for small children with short attention spans, so Neighbours too is shown twice a day.

This is, presumably, to allow those who didn’t understand it first time round, to have a stab at it a second time.

I have to confess that I have never actually watched Neighbours, other than catching a few minutes of it in passing as I channel-hopped. But in my defence, I’ve seen about as much of it as I have of Last of the Summer Wine, and that’s all it takes to realise that it is undeniably, unutterably shite.

Of course, because it’s pre-watershed and brackets Postman Pat and Grange Hill, it has no more chance of addressing pressing social issues than the Boot Sale Treasure Hunt, other than in the most shallow and artificial way. It may attempt to flirt with ‘concerns’ and ‘relationships’, but with no more depth than the infinitely more watchable Richard and Judy.

Why on earth anyone would willingly subject themselves to an antipodean Hollyoaks on a daily basis is beyond my comprehension. By the time you’ve arrived at university surely you should have graduated to ‘grown-up’ television by now, rather than this infantile nonsense. For as long as students insist on watching this tripe they are condemning themselves to remain in the land of infanthood, denying their responsibilities. In being afraid of adulthood, of graduation, of joining the real world, they salve their anxieties by wrapping them up in the cottonwool of Neighbours, dreaming of happy endings.

Finally, I wouldn’t detest Neighbours so much if it were merely a matter of being juvenile, but there lies a greater evil at the heart of this seemingly innocuous programme: it is directly responsible not only for bringing Jason Donovan, Kylie and Holly Valance to our screens, but also for releasing them into the wider world allowing them to make atrocious music which continues to pollute the radio waves.

08

I n t e r v i e w s

The

FUTURE

THE FUTUREHEADS: (L-R) Jaff, Ross, Barry and Dave

1

interviews@gairrhydd.com

0.30am, Sunday February 6.

The Observer review runs a story about the three British bands trawling the country as part of this year’s NME Awards tour.

Underneath a picture of Futureheads lead singer Barry Hyde a caption that reads, "Futureheads lead singer Graham Hyde".

4pm, Sunday February 6. The Futureheads’ bespectacled guitarist Ross Millard, wearing a grotty Black Heart Procession t-shirt, is preparing for the penultimate gig on the aforementioned tour. His thoughts on the Observer piece? "I thought it was a load of bollocks. I think it’s a case of the press thinking, ‘Let’s try and find the next British band and build them up’”. And knock them down? "Aye, exactly."

N.B. Graham Hyde is a former Sheffield Wednesday midfielder, now plying his trade at Hereford United.

The Futureheads are the biggest thing to come out of Sunderland since ship-bulding. Or at least since Lauren Laverne. Joining them on this years high-profile NME bill were The Kaiser Chiefs, the superb Bloc Party and Las Vegas chart-toppers, The Killers.

Considering former tours have witnessed Starsailor and Amen sharing a bill, would it be safe to assume a degree of chumminess on the latest IPC-sponsored jaunt? "Aye, we knew Bloc Party from working with (current producer de jour) Paul Epworth, and the Kaisers are like us (being from

21 02 05

i s brig ght

One of the most exciting and intelligent new bands in Britain?

Will Dean talks to The Fu tu reheads Hull) so we enjoy a kickabout. The Killers are a bit more aloof, but they’re nice.

There’s no ego to the whole thing."

Playing with a band big enough to sell out this tour themselves must be an effective way of winning over new fans though? "Yeah it’s like we did on The Zutons tour, and when we were in America with Franz. The minute you aren’t reaching people who aren’t typical indie record buyers, you’re in a different world. Your music needs to be on The OC. It’s that step beyond."

As regards the States, how are the band looking forward to playing Coachella In April with the likes of Bright Eyes, New Order, Coldplay and Wilco. "This year I feel we’re ready to do all that, like Coachella and the Fuji Rock in Japan." What about the UK festivals? "Well outside the UK is sorted, but here I think we’re gonna do Glastonbury and Reading/Leeds, and hopefully T in the Park and Oxygen.”

The intro to the Sunderland quartet’s latest single, a cover of Kate Bush’s Hounds of Love, and much of their eponymous debut album for that matter, is characterized by multi-part harmonies. Have The Futureheads ever considered moonlighting as a barbershop quartet? "Ha, ha. Aye,we wanted to do an a capella version of the entire album." Like Björk’s recent Medulla album? "Exactly, that’s a brave move. The label have been good about it, they suggested doing an a

capella E.P and putting it out as a white label."

Have the band heard anything back from Ms. Bush about Hounds of Love? "Jo Whiley started playing it a few weeks back and she was trying to got some kind of comment but we’ve not heard. We kinda messed with her song, so I wanna know if she likes it, but, I don’t want to know that she doesn’t.”

The Futureheads had a pretty good year, what with being named Quench’s album of the year and all, but what would make for a perfect 2005 for the boys? "Well we’re all still really enjoying it, I don’t think the potential of the record has been achieved. I mean we’re doing stuff like CD:UK and that now. It’s part of a realm that I never thought we’d get into. The best case scenario for us would be the re-release of the album to go into the chart and doing well. The minute we feel like we’re flogging a dead horse I suppose it’s time to stop touring."

grab!

You (yes, YOU!) could win this rare signed promocopy of The Futureheads’ Hounds Of Love To win, answer this simple question: Which northern town do the Futureheads hail from?

Answers on a postcard to interviews@gairrhydd.com Winners will be selected at random.

Idler’s Dream

Interview 09

....Jon Davies meets Idlewild

IDLEWILD: New Album that dull lads?

A

fter the success of 2002’s The Remote Part, Idlewild have been busy in LA recording their follow up Warnings/Promises. Recent single Love Saves Us From Loneliness hints at an album which expands the mature sound of the previous record.

Quench managed to have a chat with drummer Colin Newton before their acoustic gig in Bristol.

Quench: What made you decide to do an acoustic tour for your come back gigs?

Colin: Well I just think ‘cause we've been away for so long. And when you've got a new album coming out you've got to try and do smaller gigs. We guess we thought it would kind of be different, and fun. The new songs kind of lend themselves to being played acoustically anyway.

When we were in LA we did some shows there, just in a little café, and it went really well so we thought ‘why not?’

Q: Ah, about LA. Did recording your new album in America have any influence on the output of the album?

Surely it’s got to be more pleasant than recording in Scotland?

C: Yes! We were there for three months and I think we'd all pretty much had the best three months ever.

We rented this massive house and probably didn't work quite as hard as we would here. Usually when you

record in a studio it feels really claustrophobic, you’re stuck in a little recording studio. But there it was all sunshine and swimming pools, it felt good.

Q: How do you feel about the wave of new bands that have arrived in your absence? Does it feel a bit daunting coming back at a time when lots of new music has emerged?

C: I think we kinda see ourselves as being older than everyone else is.

Which is quite weird because we've never been an old band, obviously.

We've never been much of a scene band I think, we’ve just never been part of something like that. I guess if we had been part of something two years ago that was fashionable but now isn't, then it might be a bit more scary. But I don't think we've ever been fashionable!

Q: Also since this last album you've lost a member and gained two. How has that affected the dynamics of the group? Has the song writing process changed?

C: Well we always tried to write as a group but towards the end of it Bob (Fairfoull, departed bassist) wasn't really bothered. So this time ‘round with two other more opinions, it seemed to take a lot longer. It’s a lot harder to make five people happy and there was a strange new chemistry between the group. But it worked out fine.

Q: Where does Roddy (Woomble, lead singer) get his shirts from?

C: He usually steals other people’s shirts. I'm not sure, he doesn’t go shopping so he must get given them.

But I don't think he gets them from anywhere special, I think he just finds them.

Q: So after the success of this acoustic tour, are there any plans for an unplugged album?

C: Maybe, when we were speaking about this new record we thought about maybe recording a double album. One acoustic and one rock.

But the record company said ‘no way!’

They couldn't afford to put out a double album, it’s too expensive. I guess we didn't really have enough songs, we were like 'we'll write some songs', but then we realised if we had done that it probably would have taken six years.

Q: How did you feel, about coming third in the recent poll of Scotland’s greatest bands?

C: Number three, it’s all right isn’t it!

Nah, we were quite shocked actually. Because it was voted for by the public, I guess we just have the sort of fans who vote for stuff.

Not quite as obsessive as Belle and Sebastian fans though.

After further probing into the Scottish scene, I wonder if there’s any quiet rivalry between them and bands who have broken in the last couple of years. Are there any Biggie-Tupac style beefs between Idlewild and Snow Patrol or Franz Ferdinand? Of course not, this is the introverted world of indie music after all, "I think most bands that come out of Glasgow, everyone of the bands are nice.

They’re in a band for the right reasons".

After this Colin heads back to his dressing room for some Haggis. No, really. Tonight is Burns Night so the band are "enjoying" some traditional cuisine before their gig. They may not be part of any new movement but I think there’ll be space for Idlewild in our hearts for a while longer.

Warnings/Promises is out on March 7

10

Glory days

Interview

Better than Busted? Greater than Green Day? Will Schmit meets Florida’s New Found Glory NEW FOUND GLORY: Pop-punk plebs?

cess, it is imperative that their music matures with them, and it’s clear that New Found Glory have brought a certian maturity to their music. “We took bands like Green Day and followed their example. It’s very important not to be the same band on every record.”

“

them to lose money. Cyprus admits that, “Times are changing, and I don’t think there’s any way that it’s been a bad thing for us.” They seemed to have a fair outlook over the topic of music downloads, and fully pledged their support for legal music downloads. While Cyprus and Steve point out that “Metallica don’t need to worry about it, they made their fortune and got popular before all that.” They also acknowledge that when the band formed it was around the time when music downloads really kicked off, and claim, “It was helping us, and it’s why many fans are interested in our band.”

Level headed and extremely grateful for their place in the music world, that’s what I’m getting from these guys, and with gigs such as Green Day, and plenty more material in the pipeline, this band are well and truly where they want to be.

“

F

resh off a European tour, I caught up with New Found Glory’s Cyprus and Steve, drummer and guitarist respectively. The band were in the UK joining the original ‘American Idiots’ Green Day on their gargantuan UK arena tour.

As soon as we meet I realise that New Found Glory love every minute of their lives. This huge tour is yet tick on the checklist of their career so far.

Cyprus tells me that “Green Day are the best band that we could ever hope to be with, this tour is about getting out to a lot of fans that we’ve never got the chance to play to before.”

As we live in an age where bands are endlessly being classified as ‘the new (insert band name here)’ I had to ask what they thought of their own sound. Steve explains, “I think people like us, because we bring a lot of sounds into one,” also joking that “Jordan’s voice (lead singer) is very distinct, which is maybe also why some people don’t like us!.” Cyprus adds, “We don’t want to put importance on defining our music, you buy music to relate it to your own life.”

For a band to maintain their suc-

We took bands like Green Day and followed their example

The band released their 6th studio album Catalyst in 2004 and, as with most new albums, there is always the worry of illegal downloads via the Internet. Did this bother the punkrockers; it seems many smaller bands tend to favour them, as they can help to promote the band, while bigger bands tend to feel that it causes

New Found Glory’s new album Catalyst is out now. www.newfoundglory.com

12

F a s h i o n

fashion@gairrhydd.com

Quench 21 02 05

WristA ACTION This season it’s all in the wrist. But has fashion taken the charity out of wristbands? Perri Lewis investigates

E

very season has its most desired item. Whether this is a particular bag, a pair of shoes or a style of jeans, the fashion elite strives to own one of their very own. Expensive price tags are no barrier to those who want to be in vogue.

This season, things have changed a little. The most sought after item cannot be found on the catwalk, nor in any major fashion capital. It is within financial reach of most of us and can be worn by anyone, regardless of their usual ability to accessorize.

This season, the charity wristband is where it’s at. Red Kallabah string bracelets, Matthew Williamson dresses and Louis Vuitton bags mean nothing unless you are seen sporting a brightly coloured wristband. And everyone is. From celebrities to the ordinary man, everyone has jumped on the bandwagon and the craze seems set to continue.

History THE IDEA of a charity wristband was the brainchild of the Lance Armstrong Foundation. The organisation was founded in 1997 by cancer survivor and champion cyclist Lance Armstrong who, despite suffering from an aggressive, life-threatening form of testicular cancer, achieved greatness in his sporting life.

Through his cycling pursuits, Armstrong announced himself as one of the most courageous competitors sport has ever known.

As a tribute to his inspirational battle against the illness and his attempt to win his sixth Tour de France title, the charity joined forces with Nike to launch the LiveSTRONG campaign.

May 2003 saw the first yellow LiveSTRONG wristbands go on sale and since then a remarkable twenty million have been sold around the world.

Celebrity endorsement Kerry and Henry: good cause or bad taste?

LANCE ARMSTRONG has become an idol to so many. His achievements have been recognised by the entire sporting world and his compatriots became the first of those in the public eye to wear the wristband and show their support to cancer sufferers. Few premiership footballers were

seen without one, both on and off the pitch.

Then came the entertainment industry’s finest - Britney Spears, Gwyneth Paltrow, Bono - the entire Alist seemed to be sporting a yellow LiveSTRONG wristband. Even politician John Kerry was rarely seen without one on his election trail.

LiveSTRONG as fashion AS MORE style icons donned the bands, the press picked up on the growing trend. Celebrities were being praised by the tabloid press for showing their support to Armstrong and his cause and their LiveSTRONG bands were discussed just as much as the outfit they were wearing. It was obvious that such a high profile accessory would make its way onto the wrists of the general public. Like any outfit or brand, such vast quantities of media coverage made the wristbands a desirable item. It wasn’t long before the yellow bands were everywhere.

The wristband format IT WAS inevitable that the success of the LiveSTRONG campaign would prompt other charities to take heed of such a potentially profitable phenomenon.

The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation was one of the first organisations to copy the LiveSTRONG campaign. They produced their own hugely successful version as a response to demand for a pink band. Executive Director Donna Sanderson said: “We kept receiving phone calls and e-mails saying, ‘When are you going to come out with a pink wristband? And you can only get so many of those before you say, ‘OK.’” The wristband trend grew in popularity. Radio One produced a million

campaign which sold out in just six weeks.

‘Make poverty history’ and the ‘Stand up, speak up’ anti-racism band promoted by footballers such as Thierry Henry are just some of the latest major campaigns to spring up.

It is not just the national charities that are using the format to promote their cause, thousands of smaller organisations around the world are selling wristbands to their local communities. The anti-abortion congregation in the St. Louis Archdiocese sell a band with the words ‘prolife’ printed on it and two New York teenagers sold 10,000 blue bracelets to support a hospital that treats juvenile diabetes.

Abuse As the LiveSTRONG campaign exploded, the Lance Armstrong Foundation found it increasingly hard to meet the huge worldwide demand for its wristbands. Orders from its two official websites were taking over five weeks to be delivered and official outlets were selling the bands as soon as they were on the shelves.

Then people started to take advantage. Companies began to buy the wristbands in bulk from the charity and sell them at inflated prices on their websites to fashion victims eager to get hold of the latest craze. Internet auction sites became hotbeds of wristband activity.

Imitations of the yellow band began to emerge and Internet rumours spread the idea that limited edition blue and red LiveSTRONG bands were available. Despite the fact these had no affiliation with the charity, people were willing to pay a much higher price for these: aesthetic concerns were becoming more important than what the bands stood for.

Losing Out In the fashion industry, imitations usually only effect the big bosses and their pay packets. Louis Vuitton and Calvin Klein lose millions of pounds every year from companies who produce fake bags and clothes. However, in the case of the wristband, it is real life charities and sufferers who have lost out.

Commercial organisations who have taken advantage of the trend produce financially succesful imitations: buyers would do better to buy from official sites only to ensure their money is used for good causes rather than to line the pockets of fatcats.

Intentions In theory wearing a charity wristband shows that you support a cause. For many this is the case. However, for too many people it is just about being seen to support a cause. It has become even more fashionable to align yourself with a charity or campaign and wearing a wristband is the easiest possible way to show this. In extreme cases, wearers do not even know that the band is for charity – aesthetic concerns override anything else.

Money isn’t everything In many ways, fashion has played a very positive role in the sale of wristbands. In becoming such a sought after item, charities have been able to make huge amounts of money. In buying a wristband many people have parted with cash that they never would otherwise have done.

As well as generating huge incomes for good causes, wristbands are also able to promote awareness. The ‘Stand up, speak up’ campaign aims to stamp out racism in football by showing racists that they are in the minority. However, cynics may argue that a large percentage of wearers may not put into practice the message their wristband promotes.

This is increasingly becoming the case with wristbands: too many people haven’t got the message. They have been too preoccupied with the fashion status the item gives them to care about the cause they claim to be supporting. This is where the wristband fails too often.

The future The wristband has changed the face of charity promotion forever. However, as the massive success of the wristband has its roots in fashion, it is likely that it will fall like any other trend. Once the plastic has worn through and the novelty has worn off, it is unlikely that all those people that were wearing them will buy another.

Sadly while fashion was the making of wristbands, it is also likely to be its downfall.

Fashion

13

Are you faking it?

How can you tell your LiveSTRONG wristband is authentic?

1.

It is yellow. Official LiveSTRONG wristbands are only available in yellow: companies claiming to sell rare blue or red bands are counterfeit.

2.

If you bought it from the Lance Armstrong Foundation official sites www.laf.org or www.wearyellow.com it is authentic.

3.

4.

5.

If you bought it from any official Nike retailer, it is authentic.

If you purchased your wristband before October 2004, it is likely to be authentic

Check the packaging.

Official LiveSTRONG wristbands only come in three types of packaging: packaging that includes the Nike logo and information about the LAF, packaging that includes information just about the LAF and clear cellophane packaging with no information about LAF or Nike.

14

Features

features@gairrhydd.com

Quench 21 02 05

sign language Do road signs clarify or confuse? Emma Langley investigates the international language

R

oad signs are the ultimate student cliche. But road signs are also a very serious business.

Their regulations are stringent and the interest in collectables is great.

Sign spotting is also serious hobby, there are numerous groups and organisations dedicated to the the sport.

Traffic signs are a language that we take for granted; in their various national forms they are probably the most widely used pictorial language around the world. And like any language, road signs involve cultural considerations.

Forget novelty ‘drunk student crossing signs’, there are are equally obscure signs on our roads today.

Good old-fashioned Aussie logic

Canada: bringing new meaning to bilingual signs

Road signs originated from the Romans. Although there was no standardised system, the Romans whom installed milestones along new straight roads giving distances to the next town; when the Romans left the roads and signs dilapidated.

Although people could randomly put up their own sign posts it wasn’t until the 1773 Turnpike General Turnpike Act that the government took official action. Turnpike trusts were now responsible for marking roads using toll money and milestones had to be erected.

Before the 19th century, there were only horses and pedestrians on the roads. With the invention of the bicycle, the Bicycle Union installed danger signs on road hills and

bends. Roads also had to cross new transportation networks such as the railways and canals. SIgns dictating maximum loads and weight of vehicle were now dispersed by tunnels or bridges. At the end of the 19th century there were about 4000 road signs.

The arrival of the motor car, at the start of the start of the 20th century, marked the beginnings of road sign standardisation. In 1903, the Motor Car Act encouraged loyal authorities to erect road signs and 1904 saw the release of the first specified standard design. In 1921, more directional signs were produced and ‘A’ and ‘B’ class roads were incorporated on to signs. Finally, in 1933, all road authorities were required by law use the standardised system.

Lost in translation

People attempting to commit suicide underneath public transport is nothing new. On Shanghai’s underground Metro, however, the problem is so severe that signs state ‘jumping is forbidden’ rather that just warning people about the dangers of falling.

According to Metro press comments, over eight people a year commit or attempt to commit suicide. In 2004 Shanghai-based psychiatrists suggested that action should be taken to combat this increasingly growing problem in collaboration with the metro system. A spokes person for Xuhui district Mental Health Centre claimed that Shanghai was witnessing a “chain reaction” in suicides, arguing that people reading

suicide news stories follow suit because of the mental attachment to public death.

A spokesperson for the metro company said. “We are an enterprise. It is impossible for us to solve this social problem”, and went onto add that, “we already have warning messages in huge light boxes alongside commercial advertisements.”

Sometimes however, the two types of sign are a little too close for comfort.

Just Don’t Where else?

se a C t e Bask

You can make money from signs, or so it seems. Sign replicas, not novelty signs, make great souvenirs.

The London underground sign system is available in the form of plastic signs, mugs, t-shirts and much more.

On the British Transport Museum

Features 15

Road signs have come under heavy adaptation for novelty abuse, but this is not a spoof. Found in drug stores in Dallas, South Texas, these anti-masturbation signs are not a piss-take.

The blurb on the back of packaging reads: “Are you worried about getting caught? Scared of the common side effects such as blindness and hairy palms? With these new anti-masturbation patches you can avoid all the unsavoury circumstances.”

These patches come in strips and operate much like nicotine patches. Any science behind them is not discussed by the Church funded American health group responsible for production.

You are, however, assured that these patches will return your ‘tendencies’ to normal. The order website for anti-masturbation patches comes complete with useful advice for parents on telling if your children are website you can even personalise your own underground sign. And for everything else there is e-Bay....

Off your trolley?

Just some of the officially merchandise available for purchase

masturbating. Tell tale signs are apparently the desire to listen to rock music and wanting fashionable hair styles.

At the other end of the American extreme, anti-Bushist conspiracy theorists claim that road signs hold the key to revealing nuclear missile plants. According to ‘Free Indeed Research’, this is a massive cover up by the Department of Transport that has gone on for many years. Embedded in the US road signal system is the secret coding designed to target vital sites, facilities and resources for military confiscation during a national emergency.

What appear to be merely transportation routes are designed for use by federal and local authorities in the event of biological, chemical or nuclear warfare.

16 Features

Rock my world

Everyone wants to be a rock star.

Hannah Perry meets one girl who is turning her dreams into a reality.

T

he music business is arguably the most glamorous-seeming industry in the world. Hell, even Hollywood pays homage to it. So it should come as no surprise that music has the largest number of wannabes.

Who has not stood in front of a mirror holding a hairbrush? Who has not

LINDSAY BERESFORD: making it happen

let rip with a spirited rendition of’ I Will Survive’ in the privacy of their bedroom? Who has heard/ seen Mr. Blobby and not known for a fact that they are more deserving of musical acclaim?

It is precisely because there are so many people with hairbrushes and vivid imaginations that the

music industry is such a tough nut to crack. Sony receive so many unsolicited demos that they just destroy them all.

In America, more than 30 000 new records are released every year. And that’s just the people deemed good enough to get a deal in the first place. How many more there are claiming that they could have been huge is anyone’s guess.

For acts with real talent, there is yet another bitter pill to swallow; quality does not ensure success. One only has to look to the Cheeky Girls for evidence of that.

What is certain is that only people related to Michael Jackson or the very brave/ determined need apply.

One such person is Lindsay Beresford. She started singing at the age of three when she would get up on stage with her mother’s band.

This taste for performing flourished while Lindsay was at school when she would sing in concerts and school competitions.

At the age of 15 she met Tom Caswell (Drum and Bass producer TC) who suggested that singing could become more than a hobby. Since then, Lindsay’s voice has featured on three of his singles.

TC is one of a growing number of producers taking things into their own hands. According to boycott-ria.com the increase in the number of people downloading music has meant that

record companies are offering fewer recording contracts and paying artists less. This means that more musicians than ever are going independent.

On the first single, two years ago, Lindsay sang music’s most ubiquitous phrase, ‘Ooh, Yeah’; a vital skill for any budding singer. "On the single that just came out, I actually had real words" she said. So she has come a long way, but not far enough.

For the last single, Jamaica Street/ All On Me (Lindsay sings vocals on All On Me), she expects to be paid

“it’s more about the love than the money” around £70. Although she claims it’s more about the love than the money, that’s not much.

Lindsay feels it would be a mistake to be stuck in one genre. She is keen to experiment with as many styles as she can as she takes her voice on a niche-hunt.

"Recently, I’ve done some work with Sleepy Boy. He’s really creative and

Features 17 we’ve tried loads of different styles. I have been able to push myself and see what my voice can do." They describe their music as ‘ambient funky jazz’.

In order to have more creative input into her musical future, she is currently forming her own band.

"I branched out into songwriting recently too. I wrote poetry when I was younger, but that was just for me.

Now I am imagining my words to a melody. I have written and recorded a couple of songs for friends’ birthdays and I co-write songs with Tom. "I get inspiration from the world around me. The biggest struggle is to get a good balance between using my songs as a way to put across ideas without it being too clichéd."

So what does Lindsay think of the industry she wants to be a part of? "I get really excited by the music scene in Bristol. It’s alive and inspired here. On the other hand, I think the commercial music industry is tragic and superficial.

"There are a lot of people here, who I find really inspiring. I admire TC because he is completely self-taught. I have seen the progression in his music.

That’s how I feel about myself. I never had singing lessons and I am reluctant to have any kind of formal training. I’ve got a unique style and I think that’s the main appeal of my voice."

Lindsay may not have achieved the success of her childhood idol, Madonna. However, she is proof that hard work and a love for what you do mean more than having someone rooting through your dustbins. In the meantime, a glittering career as a facilitator awaits.

18 T r a v e l

travel@gairrhydd.com

Quench 21 02 05

Arabian Nights

(Black) gold, frankincense and... sand: Richard Lilly finds there’s more than camels in the undervalued destination of Oman.

O

man has been the quiet jewel in Arabia’s crown for many years.It is a country of diverse beauty, unmatched hospitality and plenty to keep a visitor in awe for weeks.

Found at the eastern extreme of the Arabian Peninsula, the land is dominated to the north by the t o n en are r stunning and rugged Hajar d il h c l k a ee s d n Mountains and in the centre a The loc e at hid t by great sandy deserts. a e r g t a th The south of the country, which is touched by the Asian monsoon, is the world’s main source of frankincense, a resin produced by a gnarled and twisted tree which grows in the unique climate.

It is the production and trade of frankincense that has brought great wealth to this country over the last two thousand years. Fiercely guarded trade routes and great cities rose and fell over the years. The remains of these forts and citadels together with the outstanding natural beauty is the main reward for the few tourists who venture to this little-known country.

The capital, Muscat, is set in stunning mountains rising sharply from the sea. The city grew around a natural harbour, which in its day was the most strategic in Arabia.

The city also boasts one of the best bazaars in Asia, with goods from India, Asia, Africa and Arabia being traded with the sweet smell of frankincense all around. Other attractions include ancient forts with labyrinthine corridors and beautifully preserved carved doors.

I like dr iving in m y car....

glers make the peanut smug a quick getaway

The hospitality of the Omani people is legendary. While travelling there I was invited almost daily into families’ homes for coffee and dates, and was even given a guided tour of a proud farmer’s land.

Oman’s crowning glory is the Musandam peninsula, a largely unpopulated area of mountains and drowned valleys separated from the rest of the country by part of the United Arab Emirates. This area is home to Arabia’s finest mountain scenery and still has the feel of the Wild West, with swarms of Iranian smugglers in their speedboats waiting until dusk to out-sprint the customs ships with their cargoes of American cigarettes.

Oman is a country in balance, respecting the ancient traditions of its people but with a growing presence on the world stage Oil is not present in Oman in as great a quantity as in the neighbouring countries of Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. While it does supply the bulk of the country’s income, the government, led by Sultan Qaboos bin Said since 1970, has been much more careful with development. Not wanting to destroy the country’s strong cultural identity, the government has concentrated on building schools and hospitals and improving infrastructure at a much more modest pace than neighbouring countries where oil flows freely. The result is a country in balance, respect-

ing the ancient traditions of its people, but with a growing presence on the world stage.

Oman is cleverly developing a high-class tourist niche.

Rather than encourage planeloads of tourists who want sun, sea and sand (which Oman has plenty of), the government is developing tourism for fewer, more discerning (and wealthy) tourists. This works both ways: the tourists get an unspoilt country to wander around in (wearing their matching khaki waistcoats) and the Omani people get to keep their traditions from being made into a tourist circus.

Yet Oman is a very easy place to travel. Although flights are currently expensive, hir-

QT Alert!

If you weep when you realise there are two more weeks until the next edition of Quench because you just can’t get enough of Travel then look out for QTravel, our one-off 16 (count ’em) page travel supplement free with gair rhydd on 28th February. It will fulfil all your needs in the travel sense of course...

ing a car is cheap, there are plenty of accommodation options and food is cheap (but don’t expect any booze!).

An excellent and cost-effective way to see this country is camping. With the nomadic ancestry of many of the tribes, including the famous Bedouin, and the low population, you can camp just about anywhere for free (just make sure you take plenty of water with you).

It is clear that Oman is on track to grow as a tourist destination and global player, and it is also wonderful to see a nation accept tourism with so much care and consideration. Oman will be a treasure in the gulf for many years to come.

Travel

19

Flig are hts to aro und Musc Hiri £30 at 0 we ng a

£10 ek is a4x4 fo 0 rou r a nd

Mind the Gap Well, kittens, look what we’ve got for you. For all those of you planning a gap year, or who just like to dream, we have five copies of Lonely Planet’s The Gap Year Book to win.

Sun, sand, salmonella - whatever your travel needs, you will find the answer here. Whether you want to work abroad for a while, do a language course or just pack your bags and head of into the sunset, this book will guide you on your merry way, with information on what to pack, health and safety and...well, if you want to know more, you’ll have to enter the competition and read the book.

All you need to do is answer this question:

Who is the head of the government of Oman?

Oh come on, people, all you have to do is read the article!

Email your answer to travel@gairrhydd.com by 28th February.

The Gap Year Book (£12.99) is available from www.lonelyplanet.com and all good bookstores.

20 Tr a v e l Battle of The Home Towns: Northampton

Perri Lewis 2nd year Communicatio ns student and Fashion an d Letters editor.

Northampton in three words Full of pikeys Things you never knew about Northampton Unless they go to Unive rsity, no one ever leaves.

Best bars: Fat Cats, Ca ve -

Excess Baggage the cocktail bar in NB’s Best clubs: Luxe and Hush, a little too cool, but sti ll pretty good, or The Soundh aus and Roadmender for Ba rflytype nights.

Best Shops: Scrooge - a vin tage haven, or any of the independent shops alo ng Wellingborough road, esp ecially So and Two Seaso ns.

Worst bar: Bar ME - pu re utter crap.

Worst club: Legends worse than Creation.

Worst Shop: MK One - see “Northampton in three words”.

Posh or Pants?

I’d like to say posh, but in reality it’s more pants. The nice bits are lovely, but everything else is just nasty.

s from France Postcardles

By Robert Sharp

rd public demonstration oday is Bordeaux's thi mean strikes, we've n't do I . in three weeks just hundreds of peohad 2 of those as well, demonstrate against ts to ple taking to the stree rt the causes of Liberté, injustice and to suppo This morning the wine trade Egalité and Fraternité. streets, shutting off two woodcutters took to the tram and the city centre. major bus terminals, the, making me late for work It used to wind me up , but now I'm learning to and messing up my day'bof' and eat a baguette. give a gallic shrug, say ropean neighbours across You see, our modern Eu nged a bit since Allo Allo. the channel haven't chassed and they don't smell Sure, they're better drenal sport still seems to be of garlic, but the natio ng them. making rules and breaki British airmen in his Where Réné was hidingGerman officers Cognac, g vin a spare room and ser nds his time sitting in of te the modern Français spe sta the t ou ab g plainin café (or staffroom) com strike in solidarity with the economy but still on off. If you can't beat them, day whoever's taken the took the day off (is that a join them. Last week I bus was cancelled strike?) because my

T

Everything you ever wanted to know.

In response to last issue’s article on the Asian Tsunami and ‘relief holidays’ Gavin Meany contacted us here at Travel and told us about UNA exchange.

“It’s an international volunteering organisation based here in Cardiff that, alongside its partner organisations, runs projects in India and Thailand.

Most project fees are around £100 and include a day’s training in Cardiff, and a small weekly amount to cover food and accommodation. Projects are also available throughout Europe”.

For more info check out their website www.unaexchange.org

n can our tow y k in Th ter? do bet vel a r T il om Ema rhydd.c ir a g l@ e v a r t

It’s great to hear about an organisation that offers so much at a lower cost to similar companies. Thanks Gavin

s) and I (because of the strike ere the (wh rk wo to get 't ldn cou ). The teachers were on striker came up next day an old teache ud he to me and said how pro le solidarwas that I was learning, bof. ité français. I shrugged

22

G a y

gay@gairrhydd.com

Quench 21 02 05

? o d I (the hell you do)

Why all the passion over gay marriage?

Quench investigates... gay@gairrhydd.com

By Ian Loynd Gay Editor

T

he passing of another Valentine’s day marks the beginning of an engagement to marry for many couples. Unless they’re gay.

Opposition to gay marriage perplexes me. In the US, over fifty percent of the population would support a constitutional amendment outlawing it. Yet over three quarters claim to support gay rights.

The Bush administration arguably the most powerful in the world - has made clear that it will not support partnership rights for gay couples.

We’ve collated some of the most common, and unfounded, arguments against same-sex marriage.

Your contributions are, as always, welcome.

A

rguments against same-sex marriage are a clear indication of the misunderstanding which still exists about homosexual relationships in our society.

Let us clear things up…

Gay relationships are immoral.

How ridiculous?

On what is this judgement based?

The Bible? A democracy protects our right to practice religion and equally to practice freedom from it. Religious belief has no place in law making in this nation. Would we allow a government to outlaw contraception?

Marriage is an institution between a man and a woman.

How ridiculous?

Says who? The married? Nobody has the right to make such an argument.

Marriage is, in fact, an institution between two people who love each other. Assuming the right to make such a judgement would allow the convicted to decide who should be placed in jail.

Marriage is for procreation.

How ridiculous?

An argument so flawed I need hardly reciprocate. I do not anticipate the outlawing of marriage for the infertile, impotent or post-menopausal.

!

WANTED

The gay section is looking for contributors.

Articles can be anywhere between 100-500 words and on any gayrelated theme.

For further advice - or to submit an article - please email the editor.

gay@gairrhydd.com

Gay marriage would threaten the institution of marriage.

Gay

23

How ridiculous?

Threaten marriage? By allowing people to marry? The very idea bemuses me. Allowing same-sex couples to wed reinforces the ideals of marriage by offering choice. It will discourage men and women, pressured by feelings of conformity, to enter heterosexual marriage; marriages which end in divorce.

Same-sex couples are an unsuitable environment in which to raise children.

How ridiculous?

There is no evidence to support this claim. However there does exist evidence which shows that love and understanding - and not sex - dictates the well-being of a child. Gay people are just as capable of loving and so the argument is unfounded.

“Threaten marriage? By allowing people to marry?”

Marriage has always been a heterosexual institution.

How ridiculous?

So? Slavery was a tradition until society saw fit to correct the evils of that institution. There is no place for such morally weak arguments.

Why should gay people be granted special rights?

How ridiculous?

Since ninety percent of the population already have the right to marry it is clear that LGB people are not being given anything ‘special’.

AT A

GLANCE

E

urope has a long tradition in gay rights reform and is leading the way protecting marriage rights for same-sex couples.

In 1989, Denmark became the first country to legalise ‘registered partnership’. This gives LGB partners equal rights to those as heterosexual married couples.

Norway, Sweden and Iceland have all passed similar legislation since 1996.

Finland followed suit in 2002 and Holland became the first country to offer full civil marriage rights to same-sex couples in 2001.

Since 2003, gay marriage has been allowed in Belgium. In Germany, gay couples can register for ‘life partnerships’. This only gives equal inheritance and tenants’ rights, however.

Governments of Spain, France and Ireland have all outlined support for the reform of gay rights, including the right to marry.

Gay marriage continues to polarise the people of the United States and the Bush administration has confirmed that they will not allow a civil partnership bill to be passed.

The British government has approved such a bill which should come into effect next year. Gay people in Britain, however, will still not receive the same civil rights as heterosexual couples. In particular they will not share adoptive rights.

Reviews

Quench 21 02 05

25

Tomorrow’s world?

Pictures of the future?

TOMORROW’S PEOPLE Susan Greenfield Penguin

I

magine the future. Advanced technology is everywhere, inside everyone, and is capable of everything.

There will be virtual relationships and electronic chips installed in our brains. We will have computers implanted in our bodies to enable us to alter our appearance (yippee for me!). Computers will fulfil our every need. Effectively, we will take the plunge into a post-human world, which is run by our own creation - machines.

In this modern philosophical text, Susan Greenfield argues that technology is advancing so fast that all of this could become a reality. She suggests that if technology continues to progress at such a phenomenal rate, it threatens to colonise and dictate us.

Her fear is that if technology is not ‘harnessed’, machines will take over. We will lose sight of our human essence, of our ‘imagination, individuality, memory, love and free will’.

We will no longer comprehend our own identities, or be able to distinguish reality from fantasy.

While this might all sound a little far-fetched, and a little too reminiscent of the bleak futuristic landscape portrayed in Blade Runner, Greenfield makes a point that is definitely worth reading about.

She also writes in a thought-provoking and surprisingly entertaining style, making Tomorrow’s People highly readable. This book should not only interest philosophical peeps, but anyone interested in a bit of intellectual banter. Debbie Green

26 M u s i c

music@gairrhydd.com

DEATH IN VEGAS Milk It Concrete Records

WILLY MASON Where The Humans Eat Virgin Records

Hailing from Martha’s Vineyard in California and having only just turned 20, Willy Mason has a lot to be pleased about. A chance meeting with Conor Oberst (of Bright Eyes fame) led to support slots up and down the US, and over here Radio One has taken his rather wonderful Oxygen single to heart; a protest song of sorts, albeit one suffused with hope and youthful sincerity.

Although not perfect (the arrangements are occasionally slightly tepid), Where The Humans Eat exudes wit and charm, and showcases a lyrical maturity belying such tender years. A talent to cherish. 7/10 James Skinner

An apt title for many ‘best of’ collections, this double CD release compiles eleven of the finest tracks from The Contino Sessions, Dead Elvis and Scorpio Rising, along with a selection of b-sides, remixes and rarities spanning the band’s time with Concrete Records. The variety of guest vocals and the range of sounds and styles is testament to the eclectic, genre pushing drive behind the music. The darkness of Aisha and the gritty riff-driven Dirt stand out, along with possibly the best Liam Gallagher vocal performance ever recorded on Scorpio Rising.

8/10 David Sutheran

THE FEVER Red Bedroom Kemado

Angular guitar parts, rumbling bass work and tight-knit drumming serve up a tasty sounding formula. Indeed, The Slow Club is quite a slinky seductive number, which impresses very well.

But this is only a respite from the mediocrity that abounds, as The Fever end up sounding like a poor man’s Rapture, with deeply dislikeable vocals to boot. The overuse of 'oh-oh' and 'baby' only suggests a severe lack of lyrical ideas. Stave off The Fever and you'll probably survive.

3/10 Richard Lombardo

BITMAP Micro/Macro

SHIVAREE Who's Got Trouble?

Being the drummer from a little-known indie band is rarely the basis for a successful solo career. But here Salako's Luke Barwell turns in his second album on the tiny Gentle Electric label. The easiest comparison to make is with Beck, simply because Barwell's voice sounds so much like Mr. Hanson's.

Despite starting off like The Postal Service on (strong) valium, Micro/Macro gradually calms down amidst a clutch of Americana references. But that's not a such a bad thing. Hopefully Bitmap will get a chance to give The Beautiful South a run for their money as Hull's biggest musical export. 6/10

The Californian trio finally bring us their long-awaited third album overflowing with charm and melodic sensuality. Vocalist Ambrosia Parsley will no doubt seduce you with her Bjork-esque elegance. The

Gentle Electric

Zoë Records

Will Dean

DFA1979: Dude, where’s your ‘tache?

Quench 21 02 05

group's authentic style is reminiscent of a cold winter evening, and their dark pop is definitely one for a late night. Songs such as I Close My Eyes and Little Black Mess are wonderfully crafted and will impress anyone who is a fan of the likes of Aimee Mann. 9/10 Nick Thakkar

DOVES Some Cities EMI

The dual thunderstorms of title-track and opener Some Cities and Black And White Town drag Doves' third long player kicking and screaming to life before the clouds recede and Some Cities relaxes into the best album yet by the South Manchester three-piece. Rain is certainly an apt metaphor here, as Some Cities takes us on a journey against through a north-west full of gloomy "satellite towns" and mournful Shadows of Salford.

The whole album is punctuated by Andy Williams' (not that one) slapped drums. Such is the band's ambition, and Jimi Goodwin's singing of each song like his family's life depended on it, one cannot help but be taken by the sound of a band taking another great step towards creating an almighty peak. 9/10 Will Dean

DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979 You are a Woman, I am a Robot 679

The aural equivalent of a St Mary’s Street brawl, DFA1979 deliver their full-length debut of garage-punk raucousness. Opener Turn It Out knocks you to the ground in one punch, whilst Blood On Our Hands pisses on your battered body like a tramp in a doorway. Which is seemingly a good thing. 8/10 Sam Coare

Forget what you think about Glassjaws’ Daryl Palumbo. On this,

the debut offering from his side project with Dan the Automator (Gorrilaz), he has been part of the creation of an album of outlandish originality. It bursts open with At The Speed Of A Yellow Bullet with Palumbo's distinctive vocals contrasting perfectly withthe dynamic music.

Beating Heart Baby is the finest thing here, a disparaging tale of romance backed by a thunderous melody. An album that proves, once again, Automator's genius but also showcases Palumbo's versatility as a song writer. Whilst heavier numbers such as The Razor recall his earlier work, some tracks such as Disco Hades 2 are just downright camp.

Outstanding.

9/10 Jon Davies

MANDO DIAO Hurricane Bar

LATE NIGHT TALES The Flaming Lips

Mando Diao stroke proverbial chic like some hoary scenester. The Libertines are obviously a heavy influence as are any other band with a hefty drug habit and a myriad of floppy fringes. The difference with Mando Diao, and it’s an important one, is that they are not as filthy as they think they are. This is Pete Docherty spliced with ABBA in a pop-rock pantomine. While in the hands of lesser individuals this might amount to no more than a camp intoxication Mando Diao mercifully retain enough sass, swagger, and sweaty vitriol to stay afloat. On tracks such as If I Leave You and Kingdom and Glory the quality somehow outweighs the tetchy posturing. By no means stellar but highly promising nonetheless.

7/10

The Lips’ wizardry is partially unravelled piece by beautiful piece on this latest offering from the Late Night series. Essentially a compilation CD patched together by Wayne Coyne and the band, it skips from Bjork to Brian Eno with fluttering ease. Echoes of The Soft Bulletin’s Waiting For A Superman can be heard on Chris Bell’s haunting Speed of Sound and in the shadowy, understated rhythms of The Chameleons’ Up the Down Escalator. The electronic sunshine beats of Yoshimi and her anarchic robots are reflected on in the landscape harmonics of Aphex Twin’s Flim and Mice Parade’s Galileo Daft Punk melancholy. Add a thunderous cover of Seven Nation Army by TheFlaming Lips themselves and you easily have the compilation of the year.

9/10 Craig Driver

HEAD AUTOMATICA Decadence Warner Brothers

Majesty

Craig Driver

WHOLE SKY MONITOR Just Let Me Talk To Her Firebomb Radio Records

A very Radiohead meets The OC Soundtrack album that captures a lot of raw emotion with some rather sombre guitar. Whole Sky Monitor will probably not break the mainstream, but are worth checking out if you are a fan of the unsung indie bands from America that are slowly becoming more and more invisible.

The songs are very well crafted, but could be seen as a bit samey. We Grow Up and Welcome To Utopia are great songs.7/10 Nick Thakkar

Azuli Records

A l b u m s 27 ROOSTER Rooster Brightside

Wow, Rooster rock. They rock real bad. They’re real bad boys. They surf too. They surf regularly from their pad in South London. They’re so gorgeous though, I think I want to marry all of them. This is good time rocking music I wanna listen to in my car all day and all nite too! Seriously though, what a seriously disgraceful piece of recorded music. They’ve also achieved the noteworthy task of stealing a song title off U2 and writing a song that’s even worse. Haha. Bunch of cocks.

2/10 John Widdop

HELL IS FOR HEROES Transmit Disrupt Chrysalis

In a positive and negative manner Hell Is For Heroes pick up exactly were they left us before. Transmit Disrupt follows on exactly where Neon Handshake left, and whilst ultimately a solid album, failing to build upon its predecessors. Combining distinctly powerfull vocals with a natural instrumental charm, Transmit Disrupt eventually peters out, leaving us with nothing short of the potential showed two years prior. One for fans of past and fans of new, there’s no ground covered here the band haven’t ultimately conquered. 7/10 Sam Coare

THE FLAMING LIPS: Say anything more and the bunny gets it

28

Albums

STEREOPHONICS Language, Sex, Violence, Other?

V2

WHEATUS Suck Fony

Pinnacle Records

Annoying high pitched whining, mindless rock by one-hit wonders who will be filed away with the Andrew W.K’s and Fountains of Wayne of this world, the album’s name so subtly mocking the major record label that rightly dropped them. This is immature uninventive work, with crass songs such as Lemonade asking the all important question of "is his dick is bigger then mine?" The music resembles chipmunks singing over eighties synthesizers and at a push this could entertain under twelves who thought it was a tragedy when Busted broke up. 2/10 Ellen Waddell

THE MASH UP MIX The Cut Up Boys Ministry of Sound

Radio 1's 'The Cut Up Boys' hand craft the ultimate pre-club party set, mashing together acapella vocals and instrumentals from seventy club classics.

Those of you who think the best thing you can ever do on a Monday night is to go to Creation should probably listen to this and actually take note of how your favourite dance anthems can be mixed well! When the beers are flowing you won't be able to repeat this CD enough. When you're hung over you'll just want to smash it. 7/10 Will Schmit

FULC Embrace.Destroy Stunted Records

Fulc's new mini-album is a painfully derivative blend of emo and nu-metal.

Akin to such angst purveyors as Puddle Of Mudd and Lostprophets, Fulc combine irritating grunty choruses with supposedly melodic verses.

This back-of-a-DVD-cover album title is supposed to be about how we classify things in life. One thing is for sure: this album is nothing like previous efforts, setting the ‘Phonics‘ ball well and truly rolling (and rocking) again. This album doesn't really use a keyboard or acoustic guitar as much as in the past, and from the opening riff of opening track Superman you'll be drooling with anticipation. From the darkness of Doorman to the electronically tinged anthem that is Dakota, this album has everything about it that is rock (Including a twat of a frontman - Music Eds) 9/10 Will Schmit

The guitar effects are identikit, and the lyrics are cringeworthy sixth-form attempts at edgy poetic outrage.

All said though, it's not as bad as it could be. The drumming is excellent, and closer Entrapment is genuinely enjoyable bar the grating vocals. Not atrocious, but steer clear. 4/10 David Ford

MONADE A Few Steps More Too Pure

death that is Funeral, with its gothic scenery and stratospheric road-trip beauty lost somewhere in time somewhere between The Bad Seeds and The Flaming Lips, is beyond essential, and in that respect, a complete and utter heart-stopper.

Unbelieveable. 10/10 John Widdop

HAYSEED DIXIE Let There Be Rockgrass Cooking Vinyl

Hayseed Dixie are defiantly country.

Let There Be Rockgrass is a spanking, pig-toting, mud-loving, corn-chewing mule of an album. Covering such rock classics as Ace of Spades, Walk This Way, and You Shook Me all Night Long this ramshackle bunch of mountain men may wear dungarees but their playing is as hot as a Cajun chicken.

The sweaty charm and hillside swagger throughout is intoxicating and heady. While it would be easy to dismiss Hayseed Dixie as a glorious novelty the panache and vigour on tracks such as Detroit Rock City and Highway to Hell is so rampant and fiddle drenched in tradition that you cant help cheering them on in their nutty ride. 7/10 Craig Driver

I don't believe there is any language that is aurally as pleasurable as French. This is especially the case when the speaker, or rather the singer, is some-time Stereolab front woman Laetitia Sadier, whose vocals are all at once seductive and frustrating.

Every word sung is elegant and alluring and yet the language barrier stops me from completely drowning in her sparse yet prepossessing sound. This is an album of beautiful words that make no sense to me; it's like the people you want closer, but are unable to touch. So I pretend she's singing about me.

9/10 Gareth Paisey

THE ARCADE FIRE Funeral Rough Trade

God bless Rough Trade.

Last year’s most dew-eyed, jaw-saggingly gorgeous album finally arrives on our doorsteps and five month on, it’s fantasmic, magical majesty retains intact. The ten track semi-concept celebration of triumph over

THE ARCADE FIRE: “Jawsaggingly gorgeous”

MILLION DEAD Living the Dream

Xtra Mile Recordings

Welcome back old pal, perfect timing.

Politico-rock ball-breakers Million Dead have always been a tiny bit special. See Exhibit A: Living the Dream, a foul smelling grit fireball, and consequently a pleasing return to full throttle. 8/10 Greg Cochrane

TYLER JAMES Foolish Universal Island

NEW ORDER Krafty London

It’s impossible to hate New Order; try to convince yourself otherwise.

Whilst not a classic as far as its predecessors go, as a stand-alone record it holds up nicely. As with most New Order material, it’s generic in its own self-created manner, but when has genre-defining been a negative?

8/10 Sam Coare

NINE BLACK ALPS Shot Down Island

Another twitchy name; another promising ‘NEW’ band. While the furore surrounding Nine Black Alps might be overbearing, the music thankfully spanks enough corners to excite the senses. Tough, funky and catchy this is a band full of promise and vitriolic showmanship. 8/10 Craig Driver

JEM They

ATO Records

Apparently this Welsh lass is very big in the States and it's easy to see why she's been compared to Dido.

They is a soulful blend of hip hop and is instantly infectious. I can still hear this in my head after I've turned off the stereo. 7/10 Will Schmit

EDITORS Bullets

Kitchenware Records

This song is a beautiful, billowing piece of glum-rock, a real attention grabber-with a great hook and completely ridiculous lyrics. However the B-sides are a truly awful sack of shit; this leads me to conclude that although Editors have come up with a good tune, Interpol do this sort of thing with infinitely more style and grace. 7/10 Reshma Patel

A close associate of Amy Winehouse, and touted by the NME as the UK's answer to Justin Timberlake, Tyler James returns with Foolish. Oozing of cool and incredibly slick, Foolish is an example of how pop music should be, and reaffirms James as 'one to watch' for this year. 8/10 Dave Jennings

SIA Numb

Wild Records

According to her press release, Sia grew up on 'the hippiest street in Adelaide' and her dad played guitar for Men At Work. This seems to have wonderfully focused her mind to produce the most perfect girl-angst since PJ Harvey's Rid of Me. She's clearly barmy and I love it. 7/10 Reshma Patel

CHERRYFALLS My Drug Island

I reckon that you could describe CherryFalls as being similar to about ten different bands, but still never narrow it down to just one. My Drug has this enchanting quality even if it isn't lyrically one of the best songs on their album. 7/10 Nick Thakkar

YOURCODENAMEIS:MILO Rapt.dept.ep Fiction

Or as many call them YOURBANDNAMEIS:PRETENSIOUS. While it may not be as turgid or useless as the Lostprophets this is still another scuzzy rock turd in the annals of modern day straight-ahead rock. If they would just add a bit more swagger instead of masculine bravado then they would surely soar. 5/10 Craig Driver

WINABEGO Hyder Bregus EP Rasal

Winabego make delicious countrytinged guitar pop and sound like some bizarre hybrid of The Dandy Warhols and Calexico, only in Welsh. This

Singles 29 EP may not quite tempt you to dance, but you'll be sat there smiling whilst welcoming Spring into the air. 7/10 David Ford

BIFFY CLYRO Only One Word Comes to Mind Beggars Banquet

In a sea of mediocre, mundane and uninspired Brit-rock, Biffy Clyro consistently refuse to conform.

Trademark erratic tempo-changes and randomly-placed falsetto vocals punctuate their third offering from third album Infinity Land. Shifts between the gentle, Placebo-esque intro and the heavy, bass-loaded ending also prove that being lumped in with a dying scene does not have to mean compromising on originality or impact. 8/10 Jadine Wringe

EMILIANA TORRINI Sunny Road Rough Trade

A tortured artist with a guitar can produce some pretty damned fine music (Jeff Buckley). It can also be shit (Fightstar). This, however, is the good kind. More wistful than tortured, this single has the kind of handcrafted feel that fans of heartfelt acoustic numbers will love. 6/10 Alex Buxton

EMILIANA TORRINI: Nice face, Large forehead.

30

Music

Reformed... or Rehashed?

A

Sam Coare looks at when bands become their own best tribute

fat man in a wig and five imposters enter the stage. A heavily-alcohol influenced crowd goes wild, chanting the name of the band as if they were some religious icon sprung back to life. The opening chords sound, and if you close your eyes, it could just be the real thing.

Tribute bands have, and god bless ‘em, always will, provide us with a high level of entertainment at a substantially lower ticket price than the real thing.

Whilst the above may be a transcript of events from Guns N Roses’ last UK tour, it could easily have been (and probably was) a record of events for GnR imposters, Bad Obsession. Whilst such a band has about as much claim to that infamous name as Axl’s bunch of hobos, as hard as anyone tries, the real thing will never be recreated.

This summer, a glut of bands will grace our shores trying to achieve the impossible: recreating past glories and drawing on fleeting fame to make one final money-grabbing spin. But when does a band stop becoming a band, and merely become their own tribute act?

The reunion acts can be put into three categories: those that know its over, those who have nowhere else to turn, and those that don’t want to admit either. The music press let out a collective laugh at the announcement of Motley Crue’s announced reformation. This did, let’s not forget, come after the majority of the band declared they’d rather die than play together again. But then again, haven’t Kiss retired at least 12 times before the co-headline Aerosmith tour, and the $1million shows, came along? Whilst they all may know their future lies only in their legacy and royalties, they equally know how to make a quick buck or two.

Just ask Brian May. Ask your everyday citizen to name a member of Queen, and you can guarantee that name Freddie Mercury would appear repetitively. Yet the Queen name is yet again being tarnished and abused; their new tour not only features Free vocalist Paul Rogers, but also an as-ofyet unnamed replacement for departed John Deacon. The show, it seems, will go on, as long as the money is there.

Motley Crue’s recent revival was of no surprise. When not bad mouthing each other, releasing flopped solo albums or indulging in hedonism only the rich can, there was always a sense of inevitability about their reformation. Judas Priest, who play the CIA this coming March, recently re-introduced frontman Rob Halford in a collective admittance of desperation. It is still seemingly possible to get by with a little help from your friends.

At the bottom of the reformed-barrel lay those that don’t know its over.

A special category created just for the Axl Rose’s of the world, those that occupy this basement are simply too disillusioned to realise its over.

Glories will forever remain consigned to the history books, and no matter how hard they try, whoever is drafted in under the brand will never replace the originals. As entertaining as they may be, they’re nothing more than Bad Obsession: jobbers in wigs.

NME AWARDS TOUR 2005 The Killers/ The Futureheads/ Bloc Party/ The Kaiser Chiefs The Great Hall Sunday 6th February

T

he NME tour always seems a bit hit and miss for me, there's always at least two bands you want to see whilst you end up gritting your teeth through the rest.

Take last year’s event for example, why were Funeral for a Friend headlining?

Its not the Kerrang! awards for fuck’s sake. But in a time when the British indie scene is livelier than it has been for a while, the NME succeeded in producing a stellar line up for this year’s event. Three out of the four bands here tonight are British and more importantly they sound British. Hell, even The Killers sound British, and they’re from Las Vegas.

Due to the success of last years opening act, Franz Ferdinand, the Great Hall fills early with a crowd eager to catch "the next big thing".

This year the role is taken by the Kaiser Chiefs. With their singles currently being pushed by everyone from Zane Lowe to those retro obsessed dullards Colin and Edith, this lot are the one’s many are backing to be this years most likely to "do a Franz". But how did they fare under the pressure?

Well pretty good to be honest, newtracks such as Every Day I Love You Less and Less recall early Supergrass and I Predict A Riot causes, well not quite the riot they may have wanted, but a definite nod of heads.

At first, I put the turgid reaction of the crowd down to the fact that the night was still young, maybe people

were saving their energy for later. But as I squeezed my way to the front to catch the beginning of Bloc Party's set I realised something was wrong.

Starting off with Banquet, one of their livelier numbers, the reaction they received was downright shameful. Only recent single Helicopter got a whiff of recognition. This may have been the reason why lead singers Kele's microphone took such a bashing during Price of Gas. In terms of diversity and originality, Bloc Party are the finest thing on show tonight, we haven't seen the likes of this lot since Radiohead released The Bends.

, r e l l i K l l A

L i v e 31 Jaff, with plastic cups. To the chud who was doing that, I hope the bouncer ripped your precious Killers shirt you were saving for your wedding day.

Despite the lack of enthusiasm received, The Futureheads provided us with a faultless set, the obvious highlight being their storming rendition of Kate Bush's Hounds of Love.

As if it wasn't already abundantly clear, the majority of tonight's crowd are here for The Killers and they can do no wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind them, their a decent enough band. But tonight wasn't supposed to be just about them and I couldn't help but be slightly disappointed at how their set was lapped up ravenously by the crowd whilst the rest of the bands sets seemed to wash over their heads. From opener Jenny was a Friend of Mine, the Killers had the crowd hooked and were every inch the pouting, strutting machine you expect them to be. When the opening riff of Mr Brightside began the Cardiff crowd proved that they were actually alive, by erupting in a rapturous frenzy. Even the cringe worthy Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll was greeted with hands aloft delight.

In my opinion, tonight's line up was one of the best ever seen at an NME Awards show. It was just a shame it was wasted on a sea of ignorant Killers followers.

NO FILLER

Jon Davies checks out the NME Awards Ok, so Bloc Party couldn't crack the crowd but surely the joyous pop of the Futureheads would get a few hips shaking? It was during their set I realised what was going on. This fantastic set of musical delights had been wasted on a bunch of clueless Killers fans. Even when I was right at the front during the 'heads set I was getting funny looks for actually moving. One knob-head even went so far as to continuously pelt the bassist,

NME TOUR Left to Right: The Futureheads, The Killers, Bloc Party and Kaiser Chiefs

32 L i v e

THE GO! TEAM Cardiff Barfly

Saturday 12th February

GREEN DAY: American Idiots

GREEN DAY/NEW FOUND GLORY CIA

DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979/ THE FEVER Barfly

Sadly, the queue outside the CIA meant I was forced to retire to the pub, returning just in time to witness hordes of disappointed fans giving tonight's support act, New Found Glory, a right bollocking. They seemed to go out of their way to prove that all their songs sound the same, and it does not say much for their showmanship if the only entertaining thing about them is that the guitarist is a bit chubby.

Thank God then for Green Day, because they put on one hell of a show. It doesn’t seem to matter that Billie Joe is clearly the most uncoordinated front-man ever, he makes having two left feet look like such damn fun!

The new stuff really stands up live, but Green Day aren’t thick, they pull all the old hits out, and having played them for 10 years, they sound fantastic.

Billie Joe runs about with a watergun and silly hats, and starts a band made up of crowd members onstage. His energy is inspiring he loves every minute of what he does, and looks so happy that I don’t care how uncool it is. When I grow up; I want to be just like him.

Ah the rock two-piece. Ever since the rise of a certain candy-striped duo minimalist bands seem to be popping up everywhere. One of the most original have to be Canada's Death From Above 1979. Consisting of singer drummer Sebastian Grainger and Jesse F. Keeler on bass and synths, DFA 1979 make a noise as powerful as a smack in the chops with a baseball bat.

First up, however, are The Fever.

Looking every inch the New York rock stars their brand of post-punk was pleasing enough. Although at points just too similar to existing bands, their bass sound is Rapture-esque to say the least. Finally, DFA 1979 emerge, giving a cramped and sweaty Barfly a raucous set of visceral rock.

They don't have a guitar player, it doesn't matter they don’t need one.

Keeler's bass and Grainger's drums make such a powerful din they'd have to give out ear plugs at their gigs if they made anymore noise. Although at times there songs are a little repetitive, no-one here gives a shit: they all sound good.

Thursday 3rd February

Reshma Patel

Friday 11th February

Jon Davies

Darrrling, The Go! Team are so fabulously hip it hurts. SO this season sweetie, but at the same time SO distinctive! Chic, without hugging pretension, sexy without being aloof, and ultimately just so damn cool you want to slip them on like a pair of silky velvet hot-pants and roll around in milkshake. But less about the fashionista, who would if they could, gargle with this band after their champagne toothpaste but who cares?

Thankfully, catwalks just ain't their crumpet though; you see, this queer bunch can capture brass, bombast and bravado all in one breathe, so shove your poxy heals.

Acid jazz, prog, 70's funk and hip/hop all get The Go! Team big beat treatment, first up Junior Kickstart rebounds like a euphoric scat-pop anthem, whilst the petrified flashdance of The Power is On explodes like a wide chocolate smile. Winding up is the playful kaleidoscope of Panther Dash, a tune so sweet you want to feed it fruit and brush its hair. By the end, even those 2 cool for school are jiggin-out in whacko fashion.

This all comes after grrrl Pop-tarts The Pippettes have softened us up with their twee tales of teddy bears and bubblegum, and a lone Japanese MC has unleashed a savage tirade of ear-bleeding tetrus-techno. Variety, as they say, is bollocks, so God help the fashion militia and good luck to The Go! Team. Greg Cochrane

AGENT BLUE Barfly

Wednesday 2nd February

I heard Agent Blue’s Children’s Children single a while ago and thought it was poor. In the context of tonight’s set, however, it doesn’t sound quite so bad.

I haven’t had a change of heart it’s just that everything else is completely useless. They play something like later day Oasis masquerading as art-rock; always boring, sometimes laughable.

The frontman’s got an expensive haircut and being ‘of the people’ joins the crowd on the floor. When he does, though, said crowd back off. Which might just be a suitable metaphor; leave this lot well alone.

Colm Loughlin

THE PADDINGTONS Barfly

Wednesday 9th February

The audience that turned up to see The Paddingtons in London the night after their Cardiff appearance, confirmed what was already clear from the previous evening. These boys are good. Musical royalty that included their manager Alan McGee and Carlos Barat. The simmering tensions onstage here at the Barfly that resulted in a curtailed set as drummer Grant stormed off stage simply added to the inherent edginess that their superb rock’n’roll carries. Listenable electro-rock group Kill City prepared the crowd for The Paddingtons, whose diminutive front man Tom Atkin’s constant sneer was just visible under the chaotic hair that masks his face. But hiding is the last thing this Hull fivepiece have planned-their blinding live set, honed after months of constant touring (four Cardiff gigs in 6 months), suggests they could be the ones to lead the post-Libertines revolution.

Mike Hyde

EVERY MAN JACK Barfly Monday 7th February

A sad day in the university calendar tonight saw a fond farewell to student favourites Every Man Jack. Friends, families and colleagues packed the ‘fly to say goodbye to a much loved, although widely unknown, student band; their time cut unduly short for reason beyond control. The final goodbye will leave happy memories amongst those that attended, with "Jack classics" mixed with ever popular covers of Oasis’ Hello and Sweet Home Alabama, those in attendance EVERY MAN JACK: At least we’ll always have the music.

could forgive the lyrical mistakes that sadly riddled the band’s closing number. Thankfully, the band’s strength lay in its original song writing, where the exemplary backing to Woodroof’s vocals excelled in the confined surroundings of the Barfly. Farewell Jack, you’ll be sorely missed.

Sam Coare

ADAM GREEN/ THE GNOMES/SWEET BABOO Barfly Saturday 5th February

Sweet Baboo, these days a five-piece, open with a set full of gorgeous indie-folk, which bubbles with raw charm and beauty. The electric instrumentation fleshes out the sound, whilst maintaining its inherent lo-fi personality.

The Gnomes follow, before later doubling as Adam Green's backing band.

They regale us with a disappointing selection of distinctly run-of-the-mill New York indie-rock which bores rather than enthralls. By no means bad, but no more than passable.

Green, one half of the eccentric and hilarious Moldy Peaches, is greeted onstage at this sold-out Barfly as if he were the next Robbie Williams. He proceeds to entertain us with his trademark jocular songs about life and sex. Musically, the understated pop rhythms and constant well-timed tempo changes keep things beguiling and people's feet shuffling.

The Highpoint is Jessica, his anthemic ode to Jessica Simpson, which prompts stadium-style singalongs, whilst ludicrously catchy new single Emily also gets the fans dancing. The songs are interspersed with-

L i v e 33 banter about Wales which is greeted with anything from loud cheers to obscenities. One man's crusade to get Green's version of The Libertines' What A Waster played is rewarded in the encore, accompanied by a few disparaging comments about Pete Doherty. He finishes with The Beach Boys' Kokomo, topping off a laudable performance.

David Ford

YOURCODENAMEIS:MILO Barfly Sunday 30th January

As part of the Kerrang 'Most Wanted' tour, the crowd get to feast their ears upon a couple of bands that Kerrang has tipped for stardom this year (so expectations weren't that high!). First band, Fighting With Wire, look barely old enough to drink, let alone produce the surprisingly energetic and confident half hour set that they do.

Second up are Drive Like you Stole It, who with their tuneless screaming find it hard to follow FWW, giving me an opportunity to visit the bar for a while. Now though, the band that everyone was here to see, YCNI:M. These Geordies are surely a band who on tonight's performance of old, current and new songs are surely destined to produce a fair amount of blinding records in the future, even if their fan base still remains quite a cult thing. Not since At the Drive In, have I witnessed a band that can make noise sound quite so dazzling and tuneful. Will Schmit

34

Live

Kosheen: I’d put it back on luv

Back to Being Mini Festival Feat: Kosheen Solus

Thursday 10th February

The first 'Back to Being' proved to be a completely eye-opening, diverse and unique night. Solus became mini-festival land for a night, which was a totally welcome change from the monotony of Lash (Fat Friday, whatever) and Come Play. It’s atmosphere completely changed, the back room became filled with some excellent art work previously featured in Moloko’s. In the foyer there was some great live music from The Strand, henna tattoo artists, masseurs, and stalls by Amnesty International, Save the Children and X-Press Radio. The actual club was decorated with throws and sprawled with jugglers, people in baggy pants with buoys and a lot of baked beans. Major kudos to the guys at the People and Planet Fair Trade stall, who had the most delectable carrot cake I have ever eaten.

Kosheen came on at just after midnight and singer Sian Evans lit up the stage with her enthusiasm and incredible voice. The PA set was short, made up of their four most famous songs, Catch, Hide You, Hungry and All In My Head.

Miss Evans got a bit carried away with some dude’s mobile phone and pushed some poor girl off the stage for dancing better than her, but other than this slip up, it proved most impressive. Solus definitely needs more nights like this.

Nick Thakkar

36

D i g i t a l

digital@gairrhydd.com

Quench 21 02 05

DK had been playing with the superglue again

Bongo Bongo Bongo!!!

Simeon Rosser-Trokas chaps his hands with Jungle Beat

‘Av it!

P

eople laughed at me for buying Donkey Konga, but I cared not.

Sat in front of my TV grinning like a simpleton and wildly bashing the drums I was having the time of my life. But all too soon the game was over and now the precious bongos only get dusted off when some of my less jaded mates come around for a bongo battle. Such is the fate of a novelty peripheral, until now...

With the release of Donkey Konga: Jungle Beat they live again, but not in musical form. On the surface, Jungle Beat is suspiciously simple. Using a pair of bongo drums (supplied with the game, or kept over from Donkey Konga) the player moves DK around gloriously rendered 2D side-scrolling environments, tapping left to move left, right to move right, hitting both drums together to jump, and clapping hands near enough to the built-in microphone to emit sonic shockwaves that pummel enemies, smash walls and so on. The way it's all structured is clever. Every "kingdom" consists of two levels, which only take a few minutes each to complete and generally

conclude with a drum-as-fast-as-youcan bit to collect extra bananas, followed by a showdown with one of four main boss-types. The idea is that the amount of bananas (or "beats") you have not only serves as your health meter, but also dictates the level of reward you'll receive when the boss takes a fall. Simply defeating the boss is worth a bronze crest, but silver requires that you finish with 400, gold 800 and platinum with a seemingly impossible 1200. Crucially, you not only have to collect that many bananas in the first two levels, but hang on to them against the resident boss as well. And obviously you need crests to open new levels.

Jungle Beat soon becomes so compelling that you're rarely at a loss for motivation. If you're not simply revelling in the design or your own massive combos, you're hopelessly addicted to securing the requisite number of bananas and coming through unscathed against the boss, or you're cooing at something completely unexpected. Quite simply the most fun you can have with computerised drums.

The Best of the Web Digital

37

I love an educated woman

Science may have failed to land us on Mars but..... http://britneyspears.ac/lasers. htm Britney’s Guide to Semiconductor Physics

Y

ou would have thought that Britney Spears and Physics go together like positrons and antineutrinos. How very, very wrong you are.

This site, whilst perhaps having the best title for a website ever conceived by man, also categorically proves that the Princess of Pop has far more than air between her ears.

I’d always found the way that the periodic arrangement of ions in a lattice gave rise to an energy band structure in semiconductors confusing, not anymore; now that I can see Britney juxtaposed against the equations it all makes sense. Not quite as much sense as Britney scantily clad on her own would make, but the point stands.

Physics + Britney scantily clad = learning fun.

Now there’s an equation we can all understand and enjoy.

Mmm... Explosive!

Mini rocket!

http://bizarrelabs.com/control.htm Bizarre Stuff You Can Make In Your Kitchen Not, as the site’s title may lead you to believe, a student recipe book, but in fact a repository for some kick-ass home experiments. My mother never even let me have a Mr Frosty despite my protestations that you could make the slush with fruit juice instead of colorant goop. Well now revenge is mine, it might not show you how to make a nuclear reactor or build a dirty bomb; but it does show you how to make raisins dance in lemonade, collect micrometeorites and even build a miniature rocket! playing with matches is cool, whatever your mum or that forest fire bear says. Get involved!

Book Bag

Books

SEVEN LEAGUE STILETTOS Jane Kinnimont Ragged Raven Press

P

oetry is a personal thing and it doesn’t come more personal than this.

Seven League Stilettos is an inspiring collection of poems by 23-year-old Jane Kinninmont who has poured her heart out in this, her first collection.

It’s not perfect by all means. In places Kinninmont is trying too hard to be too abstract; "The Rhetoric Generator" could be written by anyone who’s eaten too much cheese before bed time, woken up from a bad

CHEESE: Not before bedtime kids dream and taken a little LSD. But then poems like "Pathetic Fallacy", and "Back" are beautiful and original, using such thought provoking ideas you wish you’d written them yourself (steal some of her more

FIND IT, KEEP IT: THE GUARDIAN AND NUS GUIDE TO STUDENT FINANCE Jimmy Leach Atlantic

W

e all know the story. Student reaches the end of term to find that what they haven’t spent on drink is barely enough to pay their rent, and so has to live on baked beans and wear unwashed clothes in the semester. Or so the stereotype goes…

DRINKING: Bad for your health and bank balance While this may be an exaggeration for the most part, at some point we’ve all experienced that sickening feeling of our overdraft limit being a little too close for comfort.

That’s why NUS and the Guardian have collaborated on this definitive guide to managing your money.

Divided into two sections, Find It explores all avenues of obtaining financial support for the freshers of 2005, from student loans and tuition fees, to NHS bursaries and teacher training schemes. There are also sections for Scottish and Northern Irish students.

Keep It gives practical advice on spending your loan, covering all typical student money worries. Issues such as the use of credit cards, insurance and how to deal with the debt that inevitably follows after your years of partying (and studying) are explored.

Find It, Keep It is a readable guide for all students, present and future. Different issues are separated, clearly explained and free of intimidating financial jargon. Its clarity marks it out as a comprehensive guide in finance for students, helping to ease the stress of repayments at a time when debts and top-up fees are controversial issues.

Jo Coates

39

poignant lines to impress a boyfriend/girlfriend and you’ll probably get some action).

Check out poems such as "The Hopeful Traveller Arrives" and "Chain Mail" for some satirical comments on today’s more whiny, technological generation, and for all the sceptics out there I recommend you read "Poetic Licence" - it will shame you into giving poetry a genuine chance.

Overall there really is something here for everyone, especially if you’re in love, have a tendency to be whiny or just like cheese induced ramblings.

Katie Sinfield

SEBASTIAN O Daniel Clowes Titan

G

raphic novels are in vogue at the moment (see particularly the success of Daniel Clowes in getting not one, but two films made based on his works). They rely on an appreciation of the esoteric, underground, netherworlds created by over-eager imaginations and pounced on by aesthetes and dreamers the world over.

Sebastian O is different as it takes a step backwards in time from urban bohemia to the upper-class Victorian era. The lengthy biographical journey through its main character's life is detailed, but provides an excellent pathway into the complex language that Sebastian suavely evinces throughout the 80 pages.

Despite an incomprehensible stuttering foe to Sebastian's cause, the story is pretty plain and, I'm sorry to say it, boring. If you get off on seeing topless maids, reading sophisticated (or, from another perspective, downright annoying) language and pathetic existential quandaries, you'll love this.

If, on the other hand, you want a bit of substance to your comics (yes, comicreading CAN be an education, mum!) then get any of Clowes' back catalogue and don't bother with this pretentious strip.

Rob Telford

SEBASTIAN O: There’s a new Austin Powers in town

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THE LIFE AQUATIC OF STEVE ZISSOU Dir: Wes Anderson Cast: Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe

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ver since Wes Anderson lit one hell of a kooky fuse with the rainbow drama of Bottle Rocket, American cinema has never really been the same. Like an aristocratic puppeteer Anderson manipulates the obscure and the wayward in an eclectic lo-fi mix that shines and cries with equal aplomb.

With The Life Aquatic Anderson has christened Bill Murray with a lead role that echoes and harnesses his penchant for understated pathos. Murray plays Steve Zissou, marine extraordinaire and sometime hero of the deep.

When, on his recent mission, Zissou’s best friend is eaten by a Jaguar Shark the public accuse him of exhibitionism and lauding the tragedy for his own means. Zissou responds by declaring that he shall capture and kill the shark in an act of revenge.

The ensuing escapade sees Zissou and his motley crew encounter ravenous pirates, obtrusive reporters, bisexual rivals, and forgotten sons.

While this initial premise may not sound exciting, visceral bombast has never been the pivot that turns Anderson’s narrative. With its retro-

film@gairrhydd.co.uk

futuristic stylisings and wilful surrealism The Life Aquatic is primarily a visual piece littered with delicate and contemplative eccentricities. Whether it be the three-legged dog Cody or the compulsory red bobble hats and matching pyjamas, Anderson’s film is endlessly playful and strangely sincere. Uneven and arrogant, The Life Aquatic tests itself and the world it portrays.

An unashamedly sun-kissed meditation on family, friendship, and integrity.

The film is saved from its own pretensions by the variety and quality of talent on display. Murray as Zissou is understated and playfully comatose.

Wilson as his long lost son Ned is reservedly noble, while Defoe as the jittery German technician Klauss is joyfully at odds with his clichéd persona of the boggle-eyed fiend.

Cynics will deplore The Life Aquatic for its mock retro pretensions and shuffling narrative. What is obviously a labour of love for Anderson does at times stray into wafer thin melodrama (such as the placid turmoil of Ned’s

Quench 21 02 05

burgeoning relationship with Blanchett’s pregnant reporter) and as a result sometimes delves too far into its own idiosyncratic fumbling.

Anderson imbues his jaunty film with Jacques Cousteau’s strokes of garish exhibitionism. In one dazzling sequence we’re treated to a tour of Steve’s ship, The Belafonte. Instead of taking us on a lengthy hand-held De-Palma special through hatches and doors we’re shown a cross-section of the ship that blurs the boundaries between the real and fake; the artistic and the mundane.

The Life Aquatic never pretends to be a consummate whole. Murray and his crew of caricatures take us on a jingoistic ride into vulnerable waters where nothing is at it seems.

Anderson’s film is an unashamedly sun-kissed meditation on family, friendship, and integrity.

Never complete but always searching The Life Aquatic is a heartfelt attempt to find sense in confusion and beauty in the woefully misunderstood. Admittedly the colouring may be garish and obnoxious but Anderson never forgets to filter the humanity through his high-brow meandering.

Craig Driver

Film

41

by its own exuberance.

Thankfully cameos from Scarlett Johansson and David Hasseloff (or the ‘Hass’ who they ride) stir the banality and save the film from flatulent inconsequence.

Craig Driver

THE WOODSMAN

Dir: Nicole Kassell Cast: Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, Mos Def Sienna was not best pleased at Ramon snatching her precious stick of pleasure

THE SEA INSIDE

Dir: Alejandro Amenábar Cast: Javier Bardem

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uthanasia is never a topic easily dealt with given its two equally convincing opposing arguments, yet Amenábar manages to tackle it with sensitivity and restraint.

The Sea Inside tells the true-life story of quadriplegic Rámon Sampedro, played by Javier Bardem, who broke his neck when diving into the sea. In the twenty-five years since the accident he had been living, bedridden, with his father, brother, sisterin-law and nephew. The character is famous in Spain for having asked for legal euthanasia and the film allows us to witness the people who come into his life to help him on his quest.

A thirty-five year old Bardem is virtually unrecognisable as the middle aged Sampedro and gives an enviable performance. Avoiding the easy choice of kindly old disabled person he portrays a somewhat embittered yet highly intelligent man who merely wants to make his own choice on life. This becomes somewhat dampened as each surrounding character expresses their own opinion or inner struggle with the knowledge that the man they love and care for wishes to die.

At times it feels like you are looking through a window into the world and mind of this long-term sufferer.

Amenábar treats his audience to a view into Sampedro’s imagination where he flies through the open window and over the landscape at breathtaking speed.

Although self-indulgent at times this is an entertaining and thought-provoking film that deserves the weight of awards it has already won, but please do not let that put you off.

Catherine Gee

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS: THE MOVIE Dir: Stephen Hillenburg Cast: Tom Kenny, Clancy Brown, Alec Baldwin, David Hasselhoff

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his is less a film and more a psychedelic mishap of the highest order. Rolling on from the TV success the chirpy aquatic anomalies get the big screen treatment.

The story in a clamshell sees the yellow hero, along with his starfish friend and various other oceanic buddies, drive their sandwich car through perilous and ever more ludicrous adventures in a quest to rescue Neptune’s crown and stop the evil plankton.

More surreal misadventure than genuine inspired mayhem SpongeBob nonetheless revels in the freedom that comes from being inherently unrealistic and irreverent. Though this film may be huge over in America it remains a somewhat exclusive tipple.

As with all less inspired children’s films the focus here is primarily on the visual wackiness and star cameos rather than plot and character.

While a few misanthropic leapers may enjoy the stoner qualities of this film it sadly remains a film suffocated

SpongeBob vehemently denied all accusations of an illicit and obscene affair with Patrick the Starfish.

K

evin Bacon seems to have a tendency to play characters prone to acts of molestation and anguish. After having beaten one down in Mystic River and portrayed a brutal child rapist in Sleepers here he is again courting controversy.

This is though by no means a simple act of idle condemnation. This is a performance and a film of a completely different guise. Bacon plays Walter, a convicted paedophile, coming to terms with his release into a world full of temptation and anxiety. Bacon performs beyond expectation investing his performance with composure, restraint, and genuine articulate pathos.

As Walter twists in on himself Bacon’s performance borders on the magnificent. Here is a film that dares to question the taboos of a mindless and knee-jerk reactionary culture of hate and fear.

There are no pantomime villains here. No sweaty and salivating baldies with twitching figures and leering eyes. The Woodsman is a film that remains understated and brave. In the midst of the mass hysteria that surrounds peadophilia this is a film that recognises the need for understanding and contemplation rather than public condemnation.

Craig Driver

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Matt Damon: MATT DAMON !!

OCEAN’S TWELVE

Dir: Steven Soderbergh Cast: Everyone in hollywood. Ever.

S

teven Soderbergh returns with his much anticipated sequel to Ocean’s Eleven. Hoping to deliver a smooth, suave and sophisticated thriller to match the original, he falls desperately short of the mark.

This time round Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and his cohort of casino robbing scamps have been tracked down by an extremely pissedoff Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia). After Benedict has given them a two week deadline to return the money, plus interest, the crew head off to Europe in search of $190 million. Once in Europe they are given a job to do by Matsui (Robbie Coltrane) only to be set-up by a cheese-eating surrender monkey known only as the Night Fox. Who is this mysterious heister? Who cares? Why is he even in the plot? Ah yes, as a weak pretext to get the crew to steal a fabergé egg.

Introduced to the group to make the twelve of the title is Interpol agent Isabel Lehiri, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones. A former lover of Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt), she is hot on their trail as they rush to complete the theft and inevitably falls in love with spunky Pitt.

The story is actually based on the screenplay by George Nolfi Honor Among Thieves. Originally written as a

John Woo Vehicle, Warner Brothers asked him to rewrite it and adapt it to the characters developed by Steven Soderbergh in Ocean’s Eleven.

Visually the film is spectacular, fantastic European locations and well designed sets accompanied by a fast paced soundtrack. However the fantastic cast and well written script do little to compensate for Soderbergh’s cut and paste appoach to the film’s timeline: Tarantino’s the best at this so why try harder ?

The casting of this film is nothing short of inspired, in addition to

Clooney, Pitt, Damon, Roberts, Gould, Garcia and Cheadle, there are brief apperences from Bruce Willis, Eddie Izzard, Robbie Coltrane and Jeroen Krabbé.

The screen presence of a number of Hollywood heavy-weights and Soderbergh’s usual flair for directing should make this a must-see.

Tragically, it fails to achieve this and will only leave you pining for the far superior original.

Big Al

Film y l 43 p e e D , y l d a Tr uly, M In a sycophantic reaction to

Valentine nausea Film Desk’s Craig Driver presents his TOP 5 cinematic Femme Fatales.

1 SCARLETT JOHANSSON 41/50 BEAUTY ACTING ABILITY GRACE SEXUAL PRESENCE INTELLIGENCE

9/10 7/10 9/10 9/10 7/10

The Belle de Jour of modern cinema. At once innocent and seductive, Johansson is a ghostly spirit blessed with an intense beauty and an intoxicating sexuality. Her turn as Charlotte in Lost In Translation is arguably the definitive performance of lo-fi indie chic. We can only pray her burgeoning celebrity does not counterfeit

2

ANGELINA JOLIE 39/50

BEAUTY ACTING ABILITY GRACE SEXUAL PRESENCE INTELLIGENCE

9/10 7/10 8/10 8/10 7/10

The crazed Medusa of all things freaky, Jolie infuses her feminine grace with personal quirkiness.

Primal and defiantly sexual, she is the only Oscar winner in our list for Girl, Interrupted. A vampiric temptress she is dangerously volatile in her grace.

4

AUDREY TATOU 37/50

BEAUTY ACTING ABILITY GRACE SEXUAL PRESENCE INTELLIGENCE

8/10 8/10 9/10 5/10 7/10

The gallic star of Amelie remains gloriously understated in her beauty.

Always charming, Tatou is a jittery sweetheart full of energy and graceful poise.

At her most precious, Tatou is the leading light of French cinema.

3

ZHANG ZIYI

BEAUTY ACTING ABILITY GRACE SEXUAL PRESENCE INTELLIGENCE

38/50 9/10 7/10 8/10 7/10 7/10

The muse of Zhang Yimou and Ang Lee is a pure essence of nature. Both effortlessly elegant and glacial Ziyi is a balletic sprite of the screen.

Stunning in both Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hero she is delicate and passionate.

5

BRIGITTE BARDOT 35/50

BEAUTY ACTING ABILITY GRACE SEXUAL PRESENCE INTELLIGENCE

9/10 3/10 8/10 8/10 7/10

The Parisian bombshell redefined female sexuality in 1956 when she starred in Et Dieu...créa la femme a.k.a And God Created Woman. She remains the most immediate and tempting of beauties.

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F i l m

ACTOR PROFILE: BURT REYNOLDS Date of Birth: 11 February 1936 Born: Burton Leon Reynolds Jr. Biography: Originally hailing from

Reynolds: Bandit

The DVDon

Reviews you cant refuse COFFEE AND CIGARETTES, rel. Feb 21 Jim Jarmusch’s latest offering is an eclectic collection of vignettes between a mixed bag of famous actors, musicians, and artists.

Highlights include Iggy Pop and Tom Waits awkwardly stuttering and Steve Coogan and Alfred Molina discussing the faux seriousness of Hollywood politics. Perhaps too indie and lo-fi for the majority this still remains a quirky and humourous film that will satisfy all your retro desires.

The Don Says: “I have never cared for the pleasures of coffee and/or cigarettes. I prefer to smoke the severed limbs of my enemies whilst sipping on a chilled Blue Nun” THE HEROIC ONES, rel. Feb 21 Released in a vast collection of Shaw Brothers Kung Fu films this is perhaps the finest example of the studio’s output. Chang Cheh’s film focus-

Waycross, Georgia and the son of an Irish-Cherokee Indian, Burt Reynolds is officially the coolest man with a moustache to ever walk the Earth.

Early on in life he was a star halfback for Florida State University before a knee injury and a car crash ended his career. After dropping out of college he headed to New York with aspirations of becoming an actor and grabbed the occasional TV spot or theatre role. Often playing non-demanding roles in westerns, his big break came when he was cast as Lewis Medlock in John Boorman’s Deliverance. His popularity continued to climb through-out the seventies with a string of successful films including Smokey and the Bandit

es on the rival factions fighting during the Tang Dynasty. Although centring in on 13 Warrior Brothers and their struggle for survival, the film contains some of the finest and most audacious cinematic action ever committed to film. The plot and the dialogue may be sparse and reductive but when the martial arts on show are this immediate and invigorating it becomes no more than a minor hindrance. An essential purchase for any true fan of eastern Kung Fu. The Don Says: “This is a marvellous film full of gore and generous slaughter. I also recommend Jackie Chan and his vast catalogue of martial art mishaps. Oh, he is such a cheeky little imp.”

DEAD MAN’S SHOES, rel. Feb 28 Shane Meadows’ latest film was criminally ignored on its cinematic release. Now is the chance to rediscover this little gem. A classic British revenge flick in the tradition of Get Carter the film focuses on Paddy Consadine as he wreaks bloody revenge in his hometown for the mistreatment of his brother. Consadine in the lead role is breathtaking.

Reminiscent of a young De Niro before the corporate complacency set in, his is a performance of the most grotesque and sublime.

The Don Says: “I have seen this film and it is marvellous. I often sit my

which he did with his longtime friend and ex-stuntman Hal Needham. After the classic Cannonball Run in the early eigthies he dropped out of popularity only managing mild success in TV shows B.L. Stryker and Evening Shade. He didn’t make it back into the mainstream until Boogie Nights in 1997, for which he earned a Best Supporting Actor nomination. He is set to star in the upcoming remake of The Dukes of Hazzard.

Personal Quote: “Women are my drugs and alcohol. When I’m involved with one woman, I’m involved with one woman. Period. But between romances, i am carnivorous” Top 3 films: Deliverance (1972), Smokey and the Bandit (1977), The Cannonball Run (1981) Trivia: He was delighted when he heard that Smokey and the Bandit was Alfred Hitchcock’s favourite film.

Status: Silver-haired legend little nephews and nieces down on a Sunday afternoon and discuss the beauty of it with them one by one.”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL HERO, rel. Feb 21

Z

hang Yimou’s masterpiece focuses on a complex and sweeping narrative that is at once graceful and dynamic.

Jet Li’s nameless warrior visits the King of Qin to inform him that he has defeated the ruler’s three arch enemies. Thus unfolds a twisting narrative in which truth becomes fiction and fiction becomes obscure.

Hero portrays itself as a more diverse and ambitious Rashomon.

Like Kurosawa’s epic, Hero is unbelievably poetic and effortlessly stunning. Fight scenes become balletic dances among the tress while characters defy gravity and convention.

In a similar vein to Yimou’s recent The House of Flying Daggers, this is a master class in how to make a film both immense and understated. Absolutely essential.

The Don Says: “I can but cry like a Vicencian man-hoar at the beauty of this film. Words they are nothing.”

46

Arts

Quench 21 02 05

arts@gairrhydd.com

Mary Lloyd Jones @ Martin Tinney Until February 18

Jones’s expressionist paintings of the Welsh landscape hint at isolated rock pools and conjure up images of waves crashing down on eroded beaches.

Her vibrant use of blues and purples make the work aesthetically pleasing and absorbing, some of the larger canvases being best seen from a distance if you like clarity and distinction in your art. However, some of the small pieces did seem more drab and lifeless and people unfamiliar to her work may find some of the work naïve or childlike, but there is an energy to some of these paintings which draws you in whatever your view is.

Ellen Waddell

The Glee Club @ Mermaid Quay Witches are real (your mummy lied to you)

The Witches @ New Theatre, 8 - 12 February Seated in the New Theatre surrounded by hundreds of children, I briefly wondered what I was doing there. But as the curtain flailed upwards and Grandma explained to Boy how to spot a witch, I remembered.

Roald Dahl was my favourite author as a kid, and The Witches my favourite novel. This theatre production truly did the book justice. With special effects, top-notch acting, stunning puppetry, and cycling mice, the extraordinary tale actually became believable (well to a certain extent!) Whilst I will not admit to being scared like the little brats in front of me, I did enjoy the performance just as much (if not more). After touring the UK, The Witches is headed for the West End, so there are no excuses for missing this stunning piece of theatre.

Debbie Green

Little Shop of Horrors @ YMCA Theatre For Act One’s first musical, directors Sarah Pickering and Cameron Chandler made their choice well. “The Little Shop of Horrors,” a story of an alien plant bent on world domination, is a great mix of horror and comedy with some truly memorable songs.

The singing was spot on from everyone and a live band gave it a truly organic feel. It’s obvious that the directors didn’t just choose their cast based on vocal ability but on excellent acting skills. Rhys Davies and Vicky Belcher did a tremendous job as “Seymour” and “Audrey” alongside Louis Fonseca as the sadomasochistic dentist who was without a doubt one of the most side splittingly funny performances I have seen in a long time.

The only problem was that the sound system in the venue proved unable to keep up with the volume of the band, resulting in some of the performance being hard to hear. However, forget that! Think more…wow! Like, how amazing was that plant? Surprised to hear a girl playing the role, Jo Wiggins blew me away. This production was truly amazing, I just hope this isn’t the last Act One musical.

Michael Peterson

Course work getting you down?

Having relationship trouble? Are your friends just plain boring? If you answered yes to any of the above you need a trip to the Glee Club.

Last Saturday they had three comedians presided over by the compere Andy Robinson. He warmed up the crowd by peddling his wonderfully endearing self-deprecating humour.

He playfully bantered with those seated at the front, while ruthlessly cutting down the more annoying hecklers.

The first act was John Fothergill, who did well with a largely sober crowd. However, the next two acts, Kitty Flanagan and Brendan Dempsey, really got the audience going. I won’t go quoting any of their gags as it’s as much about the delivery as the material.

Sufficed to say with an NUS discount of 50% (£7.50) it’s pretty good value for money, although sendit.com are selling Police Academy DVDs for 50p cheaper…

Inside you’re ushered to a numbered seat on one of many long tables to await the comedy. Around midnight the tables and chairs are removed to make way for the dance floor.

Mark Kelly

CPO Tsunami Appeal A r t s

47

Kim O’Connor talks to Allan Betts about his tsunami experience and the Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra’s fund-raising event

A

llan and his wife, Wendy Betts were holidaying in the Maldives when the Tsunami struck on boxing day.

Touched by the experience, the Betts and their Orchestral colleages decided to donate the proceeds of their performance of A Night At The Movies to the cause. Quench found out more...

Q. Tell us a bit about the concert.

The concert itself was arranged a while ago and features music from recent popular films, such as Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and Carousel.

After witnessing the Boxing Day disaster, we decided to donate all the money raised from the concert to the Tsunami Disaster Appeal.

Q. Could you tell Quench about your tsunami experience?

My wife and I were holidaying on the island of Kuredu in the Maldives and were on the beach when the wave struck. The wave swept us up the beach, but thankfully we were spared its full force and were able to escape unharmed. Kuredu itself was largely sheltered from the tsunami and there were few people injured on the island.

Q. Did you realise the full extent of the destruction caused by the Tsunami?

We returned to Malé to catch a flight home and during the seven-hour journey over the Indian Ocean we saw many of the more devastated islands.

The local people and their bungalowstyle accommodation were the worst hit. We certainly had a lucky escape.

We were greatly affected when we saw the television coverage of the disaster back at home.

Q. How did the idea of donating to the Tsunami Disaster Appeal first emerge?

The Betts peaceful M on a more aldive holida y

.

The members of the orchestra wanted to do something to help. We decided to donate the money raised from the concert to the Appeal. We approached Cardiff County Council with our proposal and they helped enormously by allowing us to use the St David’s Hall venue free of charge, which means that all funds raised from ticket sales will go directly to the Appeal.

ach he be t n o Allan y resort holida

at

Q. What are your hopes for the funds raised by the concert?

We hope that the money will be used to help people in the worst hit areas, such as Sri Lanka and Sumatra.

Obviously, we have a personal connection with the Maldives and are concerned for its future. We hope that the islands effected are able to reestablish the tourism industry that is so important to many of its population. We would certainly go back to the Maldives and would also encourage others to.

Donate to the disaster @ www.dec.org.uk

What’s On? Equus @ Sherman Theatre, 22 26 February An Act One play about a teenager and his psychiatrist, sounds deep.

Gwen John and Augustus John @ NMGW, till 15 May A chance to see the work of two of the most influencial Welsh artists.

Ray Peacock @ Seren Las, 1 March Your chance to see a very funny peacock.

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C u l t C l a s s i c s

Quench 21 02 05

classics@gairrhydd.com

Indulging in a classic and modern mix of light-hearted games, tough human self harm and, well, Talking Heads...?

CANNON FODDER

A MILLION PIECES

STOP MAKING SENSE

Sensible

James Frey

Talking Heads

War should not be this much fun!

1993 saw Sensible software release Cannon Fodder across the platforms.

Controlling a group of tiny soldiers who were barely able to see out from under their helmets you had to navigate the terrain and achieve certain objectives – which roughly translated meant blowing something up! The controls [if you had an Atari, PC or Amiga] were simple – move by clicking on your destination with the left mouse button, shoot with the right mouse button. With 72 levels there was more than enough to keep the most avid gamer hooked for hours.

Perhaps the best feature of this game was that if you kept your soldiers alive they would move with you to the next level. If they were killed however then they ended up in a graveyard that you were forced to view between levels, and a role of honour would tell you exactly how many of your little squaddies you’d killed. This meant that you could really get quite attached to your little team, and it was quite disheartening to loose your best-ranked soldier.

You viewed the game in a top-down quasi-isometric view which whilst giving you a good view of the landscape meant that you sometimes found your team obscured by obstacles. The A.I. players used this to their advantage, concealing themselves only to leap out when you least suspected it.

In a word: classic, but now sadly unavailable on PC. Rob Martin

Exuberant and pitiless, profane yet eloquent, flush with the ability to create laughter out of unspeakable situations, A Million Little Pieces is a drop-dead look at a dead-end lifestyle of addiction and personal suffering.

Essentially an autobiography, Frey’s account of his addiction and tortuous rehabilitation is a deeply felt prose littered with remorse, anger, and insurgent desperation.

Frey’s addiction covers Heroin,

David Byrne dancing with a lampshade? The band emerging one by one as each song goes by until, at the end of the set, the stage is crammed full with 80s fashion and some of the most inventive pop music since the dawn of rock and roll? Must be Talking Heads and their career-defining 1983 live show directed for the screen by Academy Award winner Jonathan Demme.

Stop Making Sense opens with Byrne’s feet strolling onto an empty stage with just an acoustic guitar and a beatbox, he’s “Got a song to play you”. Byrne then lets rip with an amazing rendition of Psycho Killer backed only by his own rhythm guitar and the kinetic rhythms of said cassette.

The best thing about Talking Heads here is not the quality of the songs, but the enjoyment the band bring to their performance. Even when he is trying to be still, Byrne can’t stop his head probing backwards and forwards.

This live show and album are the perfect way to document the career of an almost perfect pop-band. From hits such as Burning Down the House and Once In A Lifetime to a cover of Al Green’s Take Me To The River, Talking Heads exude a confidence and a quality that many, more popular, bands could only dream of, making this one of very few live shows that is accessible to repeat viewings and often outperforms the source material.

Will Dean

1993

John Murray Publishers (2003)

Cocaine, Alcohol, Nicotine, Amphetamine, Ether, and every single narcotic and liqueur available.

Instead of the social-realism approach taken by most books dealing with drug subcultures, AMLP observes its subjects and lifestyle with a mordant eye; an inclusive perspective that pulls the reader in roughly before throttling the sense.

Detailing Frey’s stay at a local rehabilitation unit the novel covers his desperate struggle with his addiction and his own morality. The novel covers the darkest recesses of personal addiction. Going beyond the glamour and vitriolic wonder AMLP shows the pain, anguish, and personal annihilation that festers in the heart and mind of an addict.

Frey’s writing style is a singular sensation: a visionary knockout prose spiked with insight, wild invention, and a desperately voracious fragility. AMLP is a blast of ice-cold water across a sweaty brow; a vibrant and beautifully reflective account of human suffering that is undeniably honest and heartfelt.

Craig Driver

EMI (1984)

50

Going Out

OL DE

M E NS

Quench 21 02 05

goingout@gairrhydd.com

PU BS ,

PA RT E

TH E

SE CO ND E

Homer had his Odyssey; Jesus had hi s Easter half-term in th e desert; then Dave Adams had his Canton Crawl. Celebrity spotting, cross-dressing and eleven pints of lager ensued…

The Lansdowne: carry a weapon

E

ver wondered what strange lands lie between the other side of the city centre and the edge of the world? I got to thinking always a dangerous move - and decided to go and find out. It takes a special kind of bravery to venture into the unknown, I know, but I’ve watched Raiders Of The Lost Ark often enough to know the drill.

Armed only with a cash card, a disposable camera and a sturdy liver, I bravely set sail for Canton.

It turns out that I’ve not picked the best night for my expedition, as the heavens open on my sorry head the minute I get off the bus at the bottom of the interminably long Cowbridge Road. After ten minutes trekking, and narrowly avoiding a steaming pile of fish innards outside a takeaway, I arrive at my first port of call, The Ivor Davies. I go upstairs, dripping on the carpet like an extra from Waterworld, and join Tom, Katy and Alyse, Canton stalwarts and my guides for the night.

The Ivor is a Wetherspoons pub, so not exactly what I expected from my first taste of Canton drinking, but it’s always a smart move to get a couple of cheap ‘uns in at the start of a big night. Casually glancing around it strikes me as a perfectly innocuous sort of a place, until I’m told that it’s got a reputation as a real trouble spot for City fans on match-days. Thank fuck it’s a Friday night then.

After a couple of quick catch-up pints, we head on to The Lansdowne.

We shuffle briskly through the Cardiff City shrine of the lounge, and into the cavernous public bar. Thanks to Alyse, my reputation appears to have preceded me. Whilst getting my round in, I am accosted by a crusty regular by the name of Phil. So regular, in fact, that he appears to have been put on some sort of wage to sell me the virtues of the place, assuming I write for The Times or something. I don’t want to offend anybody so I just smile

My reputation has preceded me, I’m accosted by a crusty regular called Phil ... I just smile and nod

and nod accordingly, especially when he resorts to complimenting me on my coat. Well I’m glad somebody noticed, it had just cost me eighty pissing quid. He didn’t need to give me the hard sell though; I’m won over from the first. Although apparently not doing a roaring trade, it’s got that kind of worn-carpet, mildewy oldness that make proper pubs proper pubs. And a skittle alley, and everybody loves a skittle alley.

Under the steam of my journalistic discipline, we keep up a brisk drinking pace and move on to The Romilly, where we meet up with a couple more

mates, Pete and Ruth. Now begnning to feel slightly intoxicated, I declare that I don’t like the name “cos it sounds French.” Xenophobia aside. it turns out to be a rather countrified, cosy, bustling place, and has tonight managed to pull in a gaggle of Japanese tourists. I ask them why they don’t all have cameras with them. Quite fairly, they ask me why I do. "I’m an undercover reporter," I tell them. They walk off, leaving me surprised that they should have mastered the English language well enough to be able to mutter the word "tosser" under their breath. It seems that we’ve accidentally nicked the table that belongs (in what legal sense I’m not sure) to a man named Dead Dave. With a face like a crab’s bus ticket, he’s so cadaverous-looking that, legend has it, someone once put a skeleton with his hat on in his seat, and nobody noticed it wasn’t him.

A protracted debate ensues about Donnie Darko, just in case anyone had forgotten they were students. I was waiting for someone to start banging on about how great Che Guevara is, but fortunately we decide to make a move before anyone needs to get their berets out.

On our way out I remember that I need to start taking some photos, so I arrange an elaborate art-house everyone stood on a table outside, in front of the Romilly sign.

W h e r e c o r p s e s s i n g c a p e l l a ? i t m u s t b e t h e . . .

Vinyl

a

Quench 07 02 05

Resting

with Bastian Springs

55

Place

R

ock. A touchy subject. Rock fans too. Though not literally. Either they reek, like 90% of people who subscribe to the NME or they’ll bite your head off for not touching the right place on their jacket or ruffling their pinstripe n’ hoody peacock feathers. Fucks. The difference between pop fans and rocks, if you WILL insist on segregating yourselves, is that a pop fan will pop out and buy Calendar Girl by The Noise Next Door and if someone said “hey buddy, that’s shit” they will almost certainly go “yeah it is a bit, but I don’t care because I’m a well rounded individual let’s go and get drunk now you’re my best friend”. Try that line on a rock fan and your response will be “yeah well at least I don’t like Good Charlotte!” or they’ll sulk off, stick

By Bastian Springs typical your name on their Enemy List, and go and pout to Rip it Up by Razorlight. Which is a relief.

In Your Face

Record #3 - Muse - New Born Crime: Calculated Awfulness

I

am a forgiving soul. I even forgave Muse their sins.

Folicle after folicle of my hair was snatched and torn from my bleeding head, even after they re-released every song on their album five times with snivelling sicknotes for bsides. I even forgave them for Plug in Baby, which in hindsight was a grave error of judgement, given how mathematically gash it is. But upon the release of this, even J.C, the mighty forgiver himself wouldn’t avoid blaspheming

his own name at this lovechild of Mr and Mrs Fuckawful.

Arriving like a juicy fart in a piranha tank, New Born features two ‘movements’, both fighting like rabid chickens in a pen over who can be more over-bloated, magnificently dull and ugly as sin than the other. Neither win, as the true nucleus of this sickening cell is in the five second pause, in which Matt Pratt waggles his bandy “go on - please snap you paraplegic pigshit” legs and sports a few Pete

Townshend arm-windmills (“yeah! we’re on our second album now, we’re a proper band) and then launches into part II. Thus follows another doodeedoodee obviously unoriginal Bulgarian bassline, utterly pointless lyrics (do Muse fans even care about what ambiguous plankspeak he’s gabbing on about anyway) and hey presto, we’re sailing on the wave of the most disgusting, terrible, nauseating shit-storm downpour.

Something to think about.

Muse: Willy Wankers

Record #4 - The Others - Lackey Crime: Advertisement for Bringing Back the Idea of using The Working Classes as Slaves for All of Our Daily Requirements.

T

The Others: Champagne Socialists

he Others then. Whoah what a bunch of outsiders, yeah! They don’t care for society’s rules!

They’re not gonna listen to you, you jumped-up toffeenosed non-middle classes!

They may not be registering more than a deservingly microscopic speck on the public giving-a-shit radar just yet, but hell my friend, that doesn’t make them any less godwful. Lord no.

The gimmick du jour, it seems, is to bang on about your loveable working class roots, and The Others have their story just about straight (the fact they’re all brown-

nosed snooty mong-botherers from Upper Snodbury is a minor snag, but good effort anyway). Singer Dominic Masters, the Jennifer Lopez of dangerously low quality indie music, whose voice sounds like Jamie Oliver’s balls being scraped along some gravel-coated crazy paving, is the perfect frontman. And Lackey, although not the first hors d’oeuvre from the Masters buffet, serves as the best call-toarms for the delerious, dribble-stained, unarguably thick fanbase to pretend to be poor to. Which I’m sure the band love as an excuse for

not selling any records.

It’s worth taking into account young Masters’ polysexual Phillipino hermaphrodite five-legged boyfriend, and the fact all his friends died smoking an arseniclaced spliff in a lock-up garage when he was three, but he wasn’t there because he was polishing businessmen’s shoes in Covent Garden. But that would be detracting from the music, wouldn’t it? Most important of all, The Others’ music is piss-weak indie dicksplat that repress-ed dorks wank over Charlotte from Ash into crisp packets to.

Who’s up next week? Dodgy? The Dave Matthews Band? Genesis? Chingy? The Calling? Until then rest in peace xxx Challenge Bastian to a ‘who knows more about shit music duel... bastian@gairrhydd.com

38 B o o k s

Quench 21 02 05

books@gairrhydd.com

Tragic Genius James Skinner tells us why we should love Dave Eggers

D

ave Eggers burst onto the literary scene five years ago, winning the Pulitzer Prize at the age of 30 with his memoir, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.

An unknown at the start of the year, by the time 2000 drew to a close he had succeeded in being hailed ‘the saviour of American letters’. Since then he has weathered equal parts adulation and derision while remaining perhaps the most exciting and gloriously unpredictable writer America has to offer.

Eggers was born in 1970, where he grew up in Lake Illinois, Vermont. At the age of 21 both his mother and his father died of cancer within five weeks of each other. They left behind two older siblings, and the 7-year old Christopher (‘Toph’), whom Eggers found himself guardian to.

It is this tragic turn of events, and the subsequent struggle faced by Eggers in the unorthodox raising of his little brother, that was to become the basis of AHWOSG, and, for all the selfimportance of its title, it is inarguably ‘heartbreaking’ without question.

It is also, however, an exhilarating,

CATWOMAN Ed Brubaker Titan

I

haven’t read many comics in my time, but this is truly brilliant. The pages turned themselves as Catwoman saved the day in style.

Not only was the text funny but the visual effects were stunning and gave me a great picture of what was happening. This comic has a bold and striking style which really animates the action perfectly.

The story is split into two parts the first of which explains how private eye Slam Bradley tracks down Catwoman who is mysteriously missing. Subsequently the feline protago-

life-affirming book; to quote but a few of the (almost universally) positive reviews: ‘witty’, ‘eloquent’, ‘audacious’, ‘quirky’, ‘clever’, ‘compelling’, ‘vibrant’, ‘courageous’, ‘appealingly self-indulgent’. Even the Sunday Times said, "if genius is capturing the universal in a fresh and memorable way, call it that, too".

The book soared to Number 1 in the US fiction charts, following suit over here. In the wake of this enormous success, Eggers founded the literary quarterly McSweeneys, a highly independent journal. The Observer noted it differs from other independent publications in that – as well as actually selling – "there isn't a writer in the United States - from Pulitzer winners such as Michael Chabon to purveyors of airport doorstops such as Michael Crichton - who would turn down the chance to contribute to its pages".

As well as creating the consistently original McSweeneys (one issue was bundled with a CD where the tracks correspond specifically to each story), Eggers also opened, and teaches at the writing workshop 826 Valencia in San Francisco. In his own words it "helps schoolchildren, ages 8-18, with their writing skills, in the realm of creative writing, expository writing, or English as a second language".

Bizarrely, 826 Valencia is also home to a ‘Pirate Supply Store’, the kind of shop one supposes Eggers clearly lacked in his childhood. Selling eyepatches, maps, and ‘anti-scurvy sup-

nist has to regain her identity in an attempt to catch a serial killer.

We don’t see Catwoman until the halfway point, (with exception to the first page when she reflects on her controversial past) which I really liked.

This really lets the reader develop an empathic understanding of the main character.

The first part is laced with humour as Bradley tries to uncover the truth of Catwoman’s whereabouts by any means possible. Until, by a surprising piece of luck, the detective finds nothing "but questions, punctuated by the occasional beating".

EGGERS: Pulitzer at 30 plies’; David Byrne calls it "definitely one of the top five pirate supply stores I’ve been to lately".

As well as these ventures, editing anthologies and performing numerous readings in different American states, Eggers also the found time to release his first novel in 2002, based on a frantic trip from continent to continent, entitled You Shall Know Our Velocity.

Such was the quality of its "anguished, profane poetry" it brought forth a host of favourable Kerouac comparisons, and like AHWOSG before it is full of stylistic flourishes and mini illustrations. It is a testament to his fluid, engaging prose that, rather than detract, these add immeasurably to the story.

How We Are Hungry is his most recent work, a collection of short stories ranging from two page vignettes to mini-novellas in length. In turns political, romantic, and exuberant, these tales perhaps represent an ideal introduction to an author likely to be remembered as one of the enduring voices of this generation.

Whether you have seen the movie or not, you are guaranteed an excellent read with this book.

Comics are quick and easy to read, so whatever you have planned, you won’t have trouble finding time to read this.

David Menon

Mr Chuffy

witchhunt@quench.com

Quench 21 02 05

07

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

Has the commercialisation of religion, or “McJesus” become the modern-day Whore of Babylon?

A

s we approach the anniversary of the Old Testament, many in society have begun to question the relevance of religion in our modern consumerist world. Sure, Noah built a big boat made of trees but which of the Minogues would he like a two-by-two with? What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us? Would he shop at Primark?

Religion, rather ironically (see Genesis), has acknowledged that evolution is essential, with survival dependent upon integration within the modern materialistic world. Are religion and commercialism irreverent bedfellows, with their Holy union sowing the seeds of damnation for humankind on a biblical scale? Or is everything just dandy?

The road to Damascus has been replaced by the A303, Canary Wharf has usurped Mount Sinai in information distribution and who needs a Judas scapegoat with bed-wetter Kilroy-Silk MEP on the scene. In a recent MORI poll 76% of Geordies had not even heard of Job let alone read his book and a staggering 57% of Scousers believed that the Holy Land was “near Norwich”.

There appears to be a new world order worshipped on a grand scale and rhyming with honey (no, not rabbits); sacrilegiously defecating upon thousands of years of tradition, commercialism has forced religion to adapt or face extinction. Following a recent legal challenge brought by the Fast Food Industry against the church, Pope John Paul II has been forced to revoke the Deadly Sin of gluttony in favour of Papal prohibition to badger-baiting. Former Prime Minister and badger enthusiast John Major described the news as “a great day for badgers”.

BADGER: fulfilling a promise

Religion has learnt, like a rabbit under the wheels of a giant articulated lorry driven by commercialism, that it must embrace the new world power or become theological road-kill. In the latest edition of the Bible, it is consumption of a ‘Granny Smith’ apple which earns Adam and Eve exile from the Garden of Eden (for which Homebase have products galore).

While gorging upon the most evil of forbidden fodder Adam comments that the fruit is “devilishly good”. Not satiated with desecrating the Good Book, reports have emerged that the Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams will lease out small portions of religion to food manufacturers. In a daring commercial enterprise, the makers of ‘Angel Delight’ plan to produce a stewed fruit and cream dessert coated in religion. Renowned theologian Mr T told Quench that he “pity the fool”.

The Church, especially the one in Maidenhead, has reacted angrily to such religious whoring. “Raa”, was the response from St Mary’s Church in Maidenhead in a rare interview with the BBC’s ‘Heaven and Earth Show’. Dr Williams, though, has defended such moves, arguing that the Anglican Church needs the additional revenue to buy altars and doves.

To celebrate the non-death of Pope John Paul II a commemorative triple disc Bible DVD is set for the release in time for Easter. The Vatican however, have expressed “a distinct lack of religious-type merriment” concerning additional special features contained within the discs. One particular feature allows the viewer to peruse between various alternate endings to the Crucifixion of Christ.

In one such ending, Christ is depicted using an M16 assault rifle to ‘represent all over’ Rome (that’s biblical street parlance for defeat them in battle). In another such ending, Christ opens the first Holy Land State Circus, with the show sensationally culminating in John the Baptist being fired from a canon (pun whole-heartedly intended).

Papal officials have described these alternate endings as “unnecessary deviations from the Truth”. Deleted scenes accessible include the Gospel according to Bono, in which the Messiah is reportedly Irish and a bit twatty, and the Book of Icke; demonstrating the true extent of world domination achieved by those pesky giant lizards.

How long can the church resist the commercial onslaught? Reports of the Virgin Mary accompanying Neil and Christine Hamilton on the after-dinner speech circuit have been described by regular church-goer Cecilia Trumpet as “unlikely”, since “she was never much of a talker”. Negotiations between hardware giant B&Q and the Vatican on a proposed 10-year sponsorship deal of Easter have recently broken down, with a Papal insider conceding that such a move “might send out the wrong message”.

Are we a nation of self-centred Judases, soiling religious purity for financial gain? A religo-recent Government think tank revealed that 92% of people believed we were irreversibly destined to burn in the fiery furnace of Hell, with 87% saying that the only way to avoid this outcome is to be really, really good.

JESUS: a bit cross