Quench - Issue 23

2 VO L . 3 2 E U ISS 25 L I R AP 5 20 0

I NTERVIEWS FASHION B OOKS - D IGITAL - F ILM -

G AY A RTS

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T RAVEL M USIC F OOD - G OING O UT

EMAP T EN ST U D I N E Z A G MA OF EAR THE Y

j e i r bar ies dav rtist a n a is

+DOVES P

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interviews with

athlete L-DOUBLE

Q u e n c h t a l k s t o C a r d i f f ’s k i n g o f c o n c e p t u a l a r t , B a r r i e J D av i e s Fashion: Harajuku girls Digital: Snooker loopy Music: Festival of festies

Contents Quench Cardiff University

4 6 8 15 18 20 23 26 37 44 51 52 54 58 61 63

Best Student Publication 2005

quench@gairrhydd.com

Best Student Magazine Runner Up 2004

OTP: We’re the Sweeney, son...

Debate: Egg chasers Vs nancy boys Interviews: Birds, DJs and knobheads Features: Vincent Gallo’s magic curse Fashion: Fuck Huckabees, I

Japan!!!

Travel: Eco-friendly trips [Not green acid] Gay investigate homophobia in Cardiff Music: M.I.A album + Rufus Wainwright live Film: Tarnation - a country of smokers?

Arts sure can play a mean pin-ball...

Books add a drop of Chemical X Digital: Chas ‘N’ Dave’s fave Going Out: Cocktails. [Insert your own joke.]

Food: Cocktails. [You get the idea.]

TV: Gashtastic attic action Bastian Springs: Load of (C)Rap

Executive editor Gary Andrews Quench editor James Anthony Monkey editor Will Dean

Assistant to editor Elaine Morgan Arts Debbie Green, Natalie Slater Blind Date Lisa O’Brien Books Kerry-Lynne Doyle Columnists Bastian Springs, Will Dean Cult Classics Catherine Gee Debate Bethany Whiteside Digital Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley, Hannah Perry Film Craig Driver, Alan Woolley, Catherine Gee Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Dave Adams Interviews Will Dean, Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare, Jon Davies One Trick Pony Geordie Chris Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson Travel Sarah Cummins, Laura Tovey

Contributors Dave Doyle, Katie Brunt, David Sutheran, James Woodroof, Andrew Mickel, Kim O’Connor, Emily Knightly, Clare Hooker, Pippa Bennet, Robert Sharples, Craig Richards, Will Schmit, Nik Thakker, Elgan Iowerth, Sylvie Winn, Greg Cochrane, David Ford, Oliver Williams, Dave Jennings, Colm Loughlin, Bill Bones, Richard Farrell, Sofie Jenkinson, Jenna Stevens, Amy Hurst, Matthew Turtle, Sarah Dobbs, Troy Van Zu, Alexandra Fry, Shell Plant, Beth Pritchard, Tom Scott, Helen Rathbone, Steve Crofts, Laura Davies, Tanya Partridge, Bastian Springs Photographers and illustrators James Perau, Jim Sefton Proof readers: Alys Southwood, Chris White, Ellie Power, Kim O’Connor, Elgan Iorwerth Cover design Will Dean Cover Art ‘Nothing Sublime Here’ by Barrie J Davies Thought of the week: Quench Editor in BBC Newsnight ‘drug-addled mind’ controversy.

Quench 25 04 05

03

QED LOADED MAGAZINE got a massive relaunch this month. New editor, new publishing director, six months of grunt-work and a big filthy wad of cash. The relaunch was to a fanfare in the industry press and the promise of a million quid budget increase when the sales increase. The mag comes with a DVD stuck to it.

Par example, let me compare this with the way we do things at Quench.

Editors are elected, unpaid and possess two tools to work with. ‘Jack’ and ‘Squat’.

Here, the key that makes my pound sign appear doesn’t work, everything is slick with pizza grease and I am sat on a chair held together by post office tape.

No ladies come to the office to remove their clothing, there are no free DVDs for you lot, and I have the added bonus of watching my degree implode while I sit here at five o’ clock on a Wednesday morning.

So with all this publishing weaponry, what have these two journalistic heavyweights come up with? These doyens who have spent more resources than I will ever see? A product that will rise as champion of the magazine industry perhaps? A mag to smite the unrighteous and emerge dripping in the glorious mantle that Loaded once deserved?

Er, no. what they have to show for it is a magazine which... is exactly the same as Nuts and Zoo. Both magazines that cost pocket-fluff.

Loaded costs nearly ‘three-fifty’ (see? No pound sign). It’s the same magazine, there’s no tricks, no ‘gofaster-stripes’ and no heated leather seats.

The fashion section has clothes from a supermarket, next to scantily clad women who are far too busy fucking first division footballers to bother with a man who can only afford George at Asda. And this kind of chap is too busy spending the change from 10 Lambert & Butler on Nuts and Zoo to notice anyway, so who in the bloody hell is this abject waste of wood pulp aimed at? The message here is “You are stupid and will buy anything”. Prove them wrong and spend nothing on Quench.

04 O n e T r i c k P o n y

Quench 25 04 05

(Overrated) ( The Police )

Since I’m an avid viewer of The Bill, this is a bit of a surprise even for me. I won’t try to deny their usefulness, but they have a remarkable ability to be a little bit twatty. It may be a cliché to say it, but it’s true that there’s never a policeman around when you need one, and there’s always one when you don’t. When there’s any actual crime they’re nowhere to be found, and when they eventually do turn up they’re as much help as a condom machine in the Vatican (assuming the new Pope is no more liberal than the last). On the other hand, if you happen to be wandering round Newcastle’s less shit areas wearing nothing but a thong, asking your neighbours for a cup of tea, they come tearing out of the station. They’ve got their priorities all wrong. If only DCI Burnside were real.

Regular readers of One Trick Pony will probably be aware that I’m partial to a couple of beers. I like a drink. But the benefits of alcohol can easily be outweighed by its negative effects. The loss of memory, coordination, money, keys and common sense are par for the course and can be accomodated during a decent piss up as part of the fun. The loss of wit, however, is much less tolerable. When the best instant response to a random pisstaker is ‘you’re a dick’, that’s when to stop drinking. Unless you’re generally witless anyway, in which case it’s harder to tell. The after-effects usually aren’t generally too much of a problem either, and serve as a reminder not to drink to excess.

Until your shit starts to smell like whisky.

( Drinking )

(Underrated) ( Non-league Football )

Real sport, this is. Not your overpaid, overprotected Premiership ‘stars’ poncing about and writhing in agony when their hair gets in their eyes. The game has more character when the players only earn £25 per match and know that they have to be back on the bins on Monday morning. It might lack the ‘sexy football’ espoused by Ruud Gullitt, and any displays of skill are usually accidental, but it’s still entertaining. And cheap. And the staff are all accessible - everybody knows them, and it’s more than likely that you’ll see the players in the pub on a Saturday night. It’s also a good way of getting match experience for younger players at big clubs. It’s a shame that the FA’s ‘Powers That Be’ don’t agree, watching my local side slip further towards bankruptcy is heartbreaking.

Mindless, low-brow banter of the ‘pissed-up-in-the-pub’ kind: excellent.

Intelligent conversation about politics or anything else quasi-intellectual is all well and good, but sitting around and talking absolute rubbish with a few mates over a few beers is unbeatable. Britain is one of only a few countries with this pub culture - having a chat and a giggle over a pint. Only in the UK can you walk into a pub where almost everyone will be laughing and joking, usually as a direct result of talking utter bollocks. Election debates swiftly become unimportant when there’s the option of discussing who would win in a hypothetical naked mud wrestle between Britney and Christina. In space. Or mocking a mate’s visits to ladies of ill repute. Great fun.

( Banter )

( L e g e n d )

F

act: people called ‘Reg’ are almost always either overBrylcreemed train-spotting 40s’ relics or piano-playing Knights of the Realm working under a pseudonym.

This one is a political type attempting to force a change of leadership.

Dissatisfied with the government’s decision to go to war in Iraq and the subsequent death of his son Tom while serving with the Military Police, Mr Keys is insistant that the government be held accountable.

To achieve his goal, Reg is standing in the forthcoming General Election as an independent candidate in Sedgefield, County Durham - Tony Blair’s constituency.

Since the Prime Minister must be chosen from the elected Members of Parliament, winning the seat would

One Trick Pony

05

leave Mr Blair out of a job, decapitating the New Labour snake. Or at least leaving Brown in charge.

Even if Keys is simply seeking accountability for his own personal bereavement, I’m sure the people of Sedgefield would prefer to be represented by him than their current mendacious member.

Motivation aside, it’s refreshing that somebody is actually standing up and trying to change something that they’re unhappy about rather than sitting on their arse and griping about it.

The other parties were asked not to field a candidate in the Sedgefield constituency in order to give Reg Keys the best chance of forcing a leadership change on the Labour Party, but have refused.

Here’s hoping he wins anyway.

Reg Keys

ALICIA: No relation

( T o s s e r )

R

umours confirmed: Britney not a virgin! In fact the Princess of Pap has recently admitted that she’s currently with child.

Pregnant that is, not trying to gain publicity by emulating R Kelly.

As if passing on her stupid genes wasn’t bad enough, Britney now reportedly plans to mimic fellow celebrity retards Jessica Simpson and the Osbornes by starring in a reality TV show.

Even if we temporarily ignore the oxymoron ‘reality TV’, televising her pregnancy and the formative years of her offspring is tasteless even by the standards of American broadcasting standards that have given us Judge Judy and a reconstruction of Michael Jackson’s face trial.

Ok, so it’s a way to keep herself in the public eye going while she’s too pregnant (read ‘fat’) to gyrate on MTV and stick her faff in the camera, while her only singing is going to be “Oh baby, baby” in the general direction of her own womb, but she hardly needs the money. Not like that Simpson idiot.

Britney’s recourse to shamelessly whoring herself, and now her foetus/child, to the media is a symptom of her presence on a generally downward-spiralling path.

Fans of Trainspotting may recall Sickboy’s unifying theory of life: we all get old and can’t hack it anymore.

And since Britney is becoming a ‘chav’, indistinguishable from Vicky Pollard, she’s had her day.

Britney Spears Student Elections noun – farcical popularity contest in which morons vote for cretins dressed as superheroes, and degenerates from the sports teams win positions after beating candidates actually qualified for the job.

Cynictionary

What words really mean

Spear Britney bubbly adj – like a bubble.

Nothing to do with personality, refers simply to shape. A products of women’s inability to admit that they have ugly friends.

06

Debate

V

The Great Sporting Debate - Which shape do you prefer yours?

RUGBY Dave Doyle

L

et’s look at the ‘beautiful’ game. Hooliganism, racism, violence, dogging, death and Jose Mourinho. From Heysel to Hillsborough, football is a game marred by consistent brutality from player to fan.

Don’t get me wrong, I love football, but the fun is spoilt after having paid 20 quid to watch a team play, to realise the money goes towards paying extortionate salaries to rapists, drug abusers and thugs. And the sad thing is that sheep-like fans copy the violence, from Cantona’s kung-fu to Bowyer and Dyer’s brawling.

But in rugby, a far more aggressive game, such incidents are less common. I’ve never heard of any player throwing pizza at the opposing team’s manager in rugby.

I work in a bar in town. When the rugby’s on everything is fine; when the football fans are in town, out come the plastic glasses, the door staff get called in and everyone prepares themselves to deal with a bunch of loudmouthed, puking, idiots. Too often innocent clubbers are set upon by a pack of City fans, and as students we are the primary target.

Violence aside, rugby is still superior. The players are better athletes. In rugby you have to be fast and strong, you have to use your legs, arms, shoulders, chest and neck. You have to play the game with your feet and your hands, and you can’t rest whilst the game happens in a different part of the pitch. Every player is running constantly.

Of course not all rugby players are saints and not all footballers are arseholes; big Sol is probably alright.

The attitude of the game is different. When a rugby player does something wrong, like Dallaglio’s drug shame, they apologise. How many footballers have said sorry for snorting coke off a toilet cistern whilst ramming some Rohypnoled sixteen year old in the mouth, having just beaten the shit out of her boyfriend. Anyway, Stan Collymore plays football.

FOOTBALL

I

Gary Andrews

t’s a lazy Sunday afternoon, the weather’s sunny yet cool and you’re heading off to the park with a ball.

Naturally this will be a football – you don’t go for a quick kick-around with a rugby ball. You can have a decent game with three or four people. Can you do this with rugby? I think not.

But it’s not just small boys in the park and jumpers for goalposts that makes football a better sport than rugby. The flowing nature of the game, the ball-at-feet skills, the willingness to get stuck in and battle for all three points when you’re involved in a relegation struggle, and the magic of a David v Goliath FA Cup tie (admit it, you all tuned into the Exeter v Man U replay willing the tiny Devon club on) all play a part.

Maybe the Premiership has grown too big for it’s metaphorical boots in recent years, but it’s still one of the most exciting leagues to watch anywhere in the world. A night on the beers followed by the scathing analysis of Alan Hansen – what more could you ask for?

This is all before I’ve got into the rest of the clubs that make up the football league. Popular as rugby is, there’s no way it can sustain 92 league clubs, plus assorted feeder divisions. Supporting a club gives you an instant rapport with fans from other clubs no matter where you are in the world, and the action in the lower leagues is every bit as exciting as the Premiership, making this sport one to cherish. Truly, you have not lived until you’ve found yourself hugging complete strangers on the terraces after your team has come back from two down to snatch a last-minute draw on a wet April afternoon at Shrewsbury.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy rugby and was glued to the TV watching the Six Nations, but there can only ever be one beautiful game. As the legendary Bill Shankly said: "Football’s not a matter of life or death – it’s far more important than that." Who am I to disagree?

Mr Chuffy

newsfelch@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

07

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

U

The American Dream: “Quick, change those sheets before your mother notices, you disgusting child”

ncle Sam, our Superpower ‘special’ friend across ‘the pond’; but is America the Good Uncle that bought you a towel… or the bad Uncle that taught you to kill flies… the Good Uncle that used to take you canoeing… or the Bad Uncle that you had to stay with when mum had kidney stones who said it was “alright to touch.”

As the WAR ON TERROR enters the most terrifying stage of TERROR, Britain has sided with the team with the bestest guns. However, is political and cultural assimilation with the States a healthy proposition with trends such as ‘Jessica Simpson’ and ‘degrading prisoners of war’ already crossing the Atlantic? A diplomatic donkey swam the channel and bit Blighty when France disputed the formation of a unilateral oil trade alliance between Iraq and the States. The Phonological War (rather like a Cold War but more wordy) erupted when the Americans renamed their national delicacy of fried potatoes ‘Freedom Fries’.

Rhetorical retaliation followed with the French re-titling the million-dollar-grossing teen comedy as ‘Twatty, Fatty, OilStealing, Incestuous, War-mongering Pie’.

Britain is constantly attempting to mimic their American cousins with UK murder gun death rates not only tripling but doubling over the last period of time. The US is currently going all silly over a spate of Kindergarten shootings, with many of the sandpit slayings thought to centre upon crayon disputes. The blame for this neonatal notoriety has been levelled on infant gangsta rapper ‘Tit Sukka’. In his obscenity laden lyrics, ‘Tit Sukka’, real name Farley Rusk, boasts to having bitten off more than 400 teats. 3-year old Rusk refuses to wear a nappy and is often seen driving a tank. The preschool panic appears to have spread to the womb with one Philadelphian mother emitting a placenta with 42 gun shot wounds. The home birthing bath turned into a blood bath when the feud-

ing foetus was eventually shot dead in a cervical shoot out with police.

Why can Britain no longer be mentioned without the suffix ‘you fat bastard’? Many point the digit of condemnation towards Uncle Sam’s fascination with eating bloomin’ loads. In the States big is best and fat is even betterer. Texan fatty Dwain Gaunt began eating himself in 1991 exasperated by the long queue at the local fried meat stall. 14 years later Gaunt has now consumed over 80% of his body weight including his limbs, abdomen and a dangerously large proportion of his respiratory system. Gaunt, who gained celebrity status through starring in hit MTV production ‘Pimp my Oesophagus’, now plans to run for Texan Governor.

Problems are nationwide with Americans consuming over four billion hamburgers every 30-seconds. In a soon to be aired reality-food-fly-on-walldocu-soap programme thing, celebrity floppy-haired mockney-cockney Jamie Oliver demonstrates to shocked Americans how the average hamburger contains over 4-feet of hedgehog entrails, half a Volvo estate and parts of the Boer War. The American obesity problem is causing global environmental destruction beyond Kyoto abstinence. The collective weight of the American populace is pulling the States deep into the Southern hemisphere, displacing Antarctica northwards up through central Africa towards Mali.

Greenpeace activist Primrose Bufty whinged something or other in a whiney girly voice. Unsubstantiated reports already received describe a couple of penguins looking rather warm. An emergency expedition fronted by former East 17 singer and Polar Bear fanatic Brian Harvey plan to travel to the stricken continent in order to sheer polar bears in preparation for the warmer climatic conditions.

The United Kingdom has become embroiled in the bitter ‘Right to Dye’ legal dispute currently gripping America, with candlelit vigils held in Scarborough, Nuneaton and Yeovil.

Diablo Felch has been purple for the last 15 years and now wants to be green. Her husband says it would be cruel to refuse. “15 years is a long time to be purple”, said Casablanca Felch to American news channel CWSQVP. But her staunch Catholic parents have taken the case all the way to Judge Judy, arguing green to be the colour of envy, a sin actively discouraged in the Land of God. Militant Christian Group G.A.S.H. (God Against Satan’s Helpers), buoyed through recent victories in the renaming of popular console game ProCreationist Football, argue against such intervention. “We pray that Diablo can stay purple coloured. Only the Lord God Jesus can decide if someone dyes and we are prepared to dye anyone who disputes that”, said a G.A.S.H. spokesperson just hours before being hit by a mobile abortion clinic.

Would this fair isle now benefit from a trial separation from our diplomatic bedfellow? Human rights activists believe so concerned that British antiterror legislation will mirror the post 9/11 PATRIOT act which permits FBI agents to probe urethras in search of TERROR. However, with the British government soon to introduce stripes to the night sky, the Pentagon building additional sides to confuse TERRORISTS and Jacko on the verge (potentially, possibly, maybe) of an oats-based breakfast, it appears that everything is in fact just fine after all.

08

Interviews

interviews@gairrhydd.com

B ARRIE J DAVIES

A r tist or knobhead?

Debbie Green gets the low down on the controversial conceptualist art movement

“Photo of Australia”

W

hat is art? The answer to this question is not as simple as it would first seem, thanks to conceptualist art. Why is it that Tracy Emin can put her bed in an art gallery? Surely anyone could do that? Shouldn’t art illustrate talent? I had a chat with local conceptualist artist, Barrie J. Davies to hear his defence of the movement.

As we can see from your work, you tend to favour philosophical concepts over aesthetics. Doesn’t this defy the concept of art itself?

No. I hate eye candy. It is like Britney

Spears. She is good to look at, but her songs don’t mean anything. Often when people look at art, they get carried away with the beauty of the piece. They forget to look at the meaning behind the composition.

Some painters are lost in their language of paint and colour. I try to reduce the aesthetics and make the concept central to my work. I am interested in a simple form of communication.

If art doesn’t have to be fuelled by talent, could anything can be art?

Like this mug of hot chocolate?

Where do you draw the line?

No, it couldn’t. (Oh well at least it is a tasty hot chocolate!) There has to be a meaning there. Art in the conceptualist world is about the idea. When you sell a composition, the customer receives a certificate stating that they own that idea. It doesn’t matter that any Tom, Dick, or Harry could recreate a piece like mine. If Tom wrote ‘drawing’ on a post-it note, he would be copying my idea. It is my ideas that constitute my work.

“Sculpture of a pound”

Quench 25 04 05 Okay, but don’t you replicate your ideas yourself? For example, ‘Small Drawing’ is a post-it note bearing these words; similarly ‘Drawing’ is a post-it with ‘drawing’ written on.

Well, actually, there is a different concept behind that. You may not be able to tell by the picture on the website, but the small drawing is only 2cm wide. The idea with ‘Small Drawing’ is that artists are always trying to think BIG, bold, bright, big. The bigger the better, it would seem. I wanted to take things the other way, to invert the norms. Simply, I wanted to show that a small composition can say a lot.

“Drawing” and “Small drawing” So which other concepts does your work reference?

I am obsessed with how much things cost. The price of art is connected to fame and the value of hype. People tend to buy paintings because they are signed by a certain artist, not because they admire the piece.

Personally, I refuse to sign the front of a picture because my signature is not part of my pictures. I sold my sculpture of a pound for a pound because that is what it is worth. Similarly, my ‘pointless painting’ questions the value of objects. One Tesco Clubcard might have more points on it that another, but laid next to each other, they look the same. Value is an elusive concept.

It is not the value of a piece that matters. It wouldn’t matter to me if people didn’t want to purchase and own my work. It is the concept of my work that I hope will stay in people’s minds, not the image. This means that I am not stuck in the commercial loop - painting what sells and not what I want to.

I n t e r v i e w s

09

“Sculpture of a Super Shopper” Okay, so conceptualism does not make art redundant, but what about art galleries? If art isn’t about aesthetics and craft, why would anyone want to go to a gallery dedicated to conceptualist art? The concepts could be absorbed from images of the work on the internet or in books.

There remains a certain charm to seeing a piece of art in the flesh. On the internet, images are a bit flat. You can interact with the piece more in a gallery. Also, the layout of an exhibition can be important. With my work, I quite often put pieces deliberately where they will be in someone’s way.

This means that the art becomes intrusive. It makes you think.

You have completed both an undergraduate degree and a masters in art. If it is the concepts that matter and not the artistic talent, was such training necessary?

Definitely. My education in the field has enabled me to encounter and think about the works of other artists.

I look at it as a training of thinking about art and artistic concepts.

Just out of interest – how long did Sellotape Sculpture (a big ball of sellotape) take? Oh and shit sculpture isn’t made out of shit, is it?

Sellotape sculpture was on and off a month’s worth of work and £25 worth of HYPERVALUE sellotape. Now at Hypervalue, that is a lot of sellotape!

And shit sculpture is made out of clay.

(Phew!) You seem to take a down-toearth attitude with your work, do you feel that such an attitude devalues what you do?

No. You have to be able to look in the

mirror and take the piss out of yourself. I hate that about many artists they can be so egotistical. Humour is an important part of art because it is an emotion. Besides, making people smile is part of the joy of producing art work.

You have to hand it to the guy - he does make some pretty good points.

If you’ve still not made your mind up about conceptualism, why not check out Barrie J. Davies’ work at www.geocities.com/barriejdaviesnet/a rtwork

g “Paintin

”

inting of a Pa

“Sculpture of Shit”

10 I n t e r v i e w

Birdy Songs

Three albums in and Mancheste r’s D oves are one of the UK’s favouri te bands. But are they happy?

Katie Brunt finds out...

Below left: Doves (L-R) Andy, Jimi and Jez

E

“

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merging three years since The Last Broadcast, Doves’ third album Some Cities, an atmospheric, passionate collection of tracks depicting life in regenerated Manchester, has had every superlative under the sun thrown at it.

Guitarist and vocalist, Jez, isn’t letting the praise go to his head and is self-depreciating when asked about the rave reviews of the album. "I’ve read a few mediocre reviews.

You take it [the praise] with a pinch of salt really, you come across all sorts of interpretations and you just roll with it."

Jez’s unfazed attitude is probably due to the fact that from a young age, he knew what he wanted to do. "We were quite fortunate really, from the age of about seven or eight we kinda knew we were gonna do music. It’s never been like – shit, what can we do? We were useless at anything else. You know what, I don’t even want to think what we’d be doing if we weren’t in Doves, that could be really depressing!"

Jimi Goodwin and twin brothers Andy and Jez Williams have come a long way since their days as electronic outfit Sub Sub, frequenting the renowned but now demolished Hacienda in early 90s ‘Madchester’.

In 1996, a fire consumed the studio containing all the group’s equipment, leading them to reform as Doves.

Despite the loss, the fire could be seen as a blessing in disguise. "Yeah, it was in a way. We had the decision of whether to carry on, and when you lose everything it’s not really that difficult a decision to make. It’s quite simplistic; you’re forced into a very black and white scenario. It strengthened us really."

Starting afresh never meant moving away from their birthplace, however.

"It’s really good living in Manchester.

Bands like New Order, Badly Drawn Boy and Elbow have proved that you

can survive as a band, and stay in Manchester. It’s brilliant." Of course, growing up around the likes of Joy Division, The Happy Mondays and The Stone Roses can’t have been a bad thing, is this where they drew their influence from? "Yeah without a doubt, we're big fans of New Order. Our influences are so wide though; we’ve all got different tastes. It’s anything from Marvin Gaye right up to Kraftwerk, and anything in between." Various articles in the press have likened Doves to, amongst others, Swervedriver, Echo and the Bunnymen and Simple Minds – are these apt comparisons?

"Simple Minds, argh! We don’t like Simple Minds! I’ve heard the name Swervedriver but I don’t know anything by them. We’ve been compared to a band called Ride who I’ve never heard of. It’s all down to interpretation, if that’s what people get off it then cool.

I draw a line at Simple Minds though, someone’s taking the piss!"

Simple Minds aversion aside, how did the band react to being knocked off the top spot of the album charts to operatic mother’s choices G4 and Il Divo? "Well, it’s a different crowd isn’t it? Jeez, I hope it’s a fucking different crowd anyway. It’s ‘cause it’s coming up to Mother’s Day isn’t it? The record companies are really cold and calculating. When we found out they were releasing their albums, we knew we were gonna get our asses kicked."

Nevertheless, the sold-out Great Hall proves that Doves have little to worry about when it comes to fans, are they enjoying the tour so far?

"Yeah, it’s going great. We’re actually staying in a hotel here in Cardiff and just heading out to various venues in the south. Cardiff’s pretty wild, I went out with a girl once from Cardiff – Saturday night’s out are a party aren’t they?" You said it Jez.

I draw a line at Simple Minds though, someone’s taking the piss!

-Doves’ Jez Williams on press comparisons

Jim Goodwin in action in Cardiff last month

amB BASSador

Interview 11

BBC 1Xtra’s L Double hit Cardiff with the Xtra Bass tour. He took time out to talk to David Sutheran play a grooving thing from Calibre – it doesn’t matter to me! I’ll play something nasty from Tech Itch, it’s all our scene, they’re all break beats – we’re all speaking the same language, it’s just different dialects. I would be cheating on my listeners to only play one style of drum and bass, that’s my take."

A key part of the Connexions show is new talent. L was keen to state that around 50% of the tunes he plays week in week out come from new and developing artists. The commitment to emerging producers is shown in The Cutting Room - a competition to

“

L Double: “Spin me right round” much impossible to really break through on DJ skills alone. Any sympathy from the DJ? "A huge part of it is the distribution. If you put something on a piece of vinyl it’s distributed out to many more places than a mix-tape or whatever. If someone can get two thousand of their mix-tapes out it might be different, but it’s the records that then lead to magazines, press reviews, bookings etc. It’s revolving around artists that are at that stage."

So any advice for young up and coming DJs? "It’s about maintaining, doing your thing as part of the scene that builds your reputation, builds up a rapport between peers - I see you in a club and then I see you years later and you’re still ironing it out, still banging the drum. That’s a big part of it; to stay at it and stay focussed and be there in five years you know."

If part of the future of D’n’B rests with DJs like L Double pushing the music across digital radio, and giving new talent the chance to break through - then the scene is definitely in the safest of hands.

“

I

caught up with L after the show, before the crew smashed up the Toucan and the man was in a buoyant mood; enthusiastic about the station and the strength of D’n’B, and of the opportunity that 1xtra affords him to "crank out aggy music at decent times of day." Proud of the tour, L said it was all about showcasing the strength of the music up and down U.K and "bringing back what you guys are up to for the rest of the country."

A DJ long before drum‘n’bass was being played in student unions and the idea of broadcasting from somewhere like the Taf was "unheard of." L happily boasted that he’d seen a resurgence in the scene. "We’re at the strongest we’ve been for like two, two and a half years."

L was conscious of his opportunity at 1xtra - "It’s liberating. I’m on national radio 7pm-10pm playing drum and bass – I’ve got to nurture that ‘cause you could easily do it wrong and scare away people who’ve been listening all day. I don’t want them to switch off when it gets to me - I want them to have a little listen, you know it’ll get back to your R‘n’B or your hip-hop or whatever you’re into. If you’re into D’n’B you’re covered, but if not stay with us for an hour or two."

Drum and bass has always been a fractured scene of different sounds and styles, is 1xtra committed to showcasing the whole D’n’B spectrum? "Definitely. I’ll play the jump up thing from Hazard, I’ll play the dark thing from D-Bridge, I’ll

It’s about maintaining, doing your thing as part of the scene - that builds your reputation, builds up a rapport between peers

give unsigned producers the chance to get played on national digital radio (and internationally across the internet). An important opportunity for a scene that’s notoriously hard to break into then? "I think so - but it’s hard as well because there are so many people doing it, there are a million and one demos flouting around. We’re constantly listening to demos to get the best ones, to stick them up online and let the listeners decide."

Drum ’n’ Bass is a producer driven scene, where it’s pretty

The bill a t Left: Hig The Toucan. h Contra st

Connexions broadcasts every Tuesday 7pm10pm on DAB 1xtra, or alternatively at www.bbc.co.uk/1xtra

The go wild at d w o r c e Th Toucan

12 Interview

Athletics Club

South London’s answer to the Beta Band and Steely Dan, or just Coldplay-ing p re tenders? James Woodroof meets Athlete’s Carey Willets and Ste ve Robert s

A

thlete have been described as many different types of excrement. NME branded them ‘dolefully drippy piss’. Since then, they’ve had two huge-selling albums, and a string of top ten singles.

Excrement indeed.

scene, it just doesn’t feel right."

We digress. We’re here to talk about Tourist. I ask whether using less electronic effects was a deliberate ploy.

SR: "We just wanted to keep things more subtle. There are still beats and synths, but it’s all stripped down. We

couple of weeks we tried to write something like Wires and You Got The Style, but it was the most depressing time we’ve ever had. We argued more, and all the songs felt unnatural. But after we got through that, we knew that the stuff we were writing was where we should be at, rather than try and re-create something that was in the past."

How refreshingly ambitious. But by changing the sound so much, live moments must switch from epileptic moments of beeps to stadium ballads?

ATHLETE: Featuring The Office’s Keith We exchange views on the current indie scene to begin with, and Stephen has his first dig. "There’s so much diversity, and some really good bands out there. It’s cool that the same people buying a Razorlight record are buying The Streets album.”

Carey Willetts: "The scene is better than it’s been for years. It’s stronger for having original music. Especially Doves (see page 10), they’re an amazing band, I haven’t got a bad word to say about them. And Bloc Party too – it’s nice to hear people go on about something that is actually really good."

People? Ah, the NME. I helpfully point out the ‘drippy piss’ reference.

SR: "It frustrated us at first. As a new band, the NME can launch you, but they don’t guarantee long-term success. Once we got beyond our first album, we took it with a pinch of salt.

We’ve never been one of those bands who try and look the right way - it never appealed to us."

Turning the other cheek. How noble. Still, at least they’ve warmed towards you now, right? They called you the ‘Gentlemen of Rock’. I smile encouragingly.

SR: "Only because they thought we’d sell some records and it might help them shift a few copies. They just need a story, because they don’t know how to write about music." Touché.

SR: "The gentlemen of rock was their angle, I thought the article was so boring. We’re our own band and if people try and slot us in a certain

threw everything at Vehicles & Animals, but we didn’t want to repeat ourselves. Bands that we listen to, like the Flaming Lips or Radiohead, they never bore themselves or their fans, always trying something new, and we wanted a challenge. We started to freak out, thinking we needed to write some more cross-over tracks like You Got The Style, but it all felt a bit contrived."

Surely it would have been easier to carry on in the same style after the success of Vehicles and Animals?

CW: "You’d have thought so! For a

SR: "Yeah. We weren’t sure how Tourist would come across live because our first album was a more upbeat sing-a-long record, but these songs have come alive for us and clearly connect with the fans. It’s good to have two fairly different albums to choose from, especially for the Festivals."

With appearances at Glasto, V, T in the Park plus Euro dates, world domination shouldn’t be too far off.

14

Features

features@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

Renaissance man

Andrew Mickel continues our unsung heroes series by investigating the anomaly that is Vincent Gallo

E

ven the most prolific, A.D.D. afflicted multi-tasker would find it hard to challenge the CV of Vincent Gallo. From understated acting to acclaimed directing and every step in between in film-making; from creating beautiful music in both bands and solo to his international art shows, not to mention his modelling for Calvin Klein. His status as serial womanisier and general celebrity hellraiser - this man has truly done it all.

Film is probably the best place to start. Apart from small roles in Goodfellas and a show-stealing performance in Palookaville, he’s been in no major hits and even turned down roles in Reservoir Dogs and Boogie Nights. Instead he threads through the background of Hollywood in his own minor classics. In Buffalo 66 he plays Billy who, following his release from prison, kidnaps a girl to pass off as his fiancée to his parents. His second feature, Brown Bunny, was widely panned as gratuitous at Cannes in 2001, particularly due to then-girlfriend Chloe Sovigny giving him a blow-job on film. Of course, for a selfpublicist such as Gallo, this was never going to be satisfactory. At the film’s press conference he apologised for the film before bursting into tears. He even put a gypsy curse on human-

manatee film reviewer Roger Ebert’s prostate. Ebert has only recently forgiven Gallo for the colon cancer that followed.

Music is another central tenet of what Gallo is. 2001’s When is so heart-wrenching that by the time Honey Bunny kicks in you’ll want to hunt down your loved ones and give them a hug. Even the ubiquitous subject matter of the first track I Wrote This For The Girl Paris Hilton takes on a woozy, familiar feel so personal that the next time you see her in Heat it’ll be like looking at a long lost friend.

Unfortunately, much of his other music, like his films, is frustratingly hard to track down. But this is just another facet to the legend.

He teeters on the brink of self parody, self destruction and true greatness Gallo is such a stunning self-publicist. In 1997, Grand Royal magazine printed a self-penned interview by the man himself. The interview was sent to the magazine with a note that they could only use it if they printed it completely unedited. In it Gallo has something to say about virtually everyone he has worked with, all whilst wearing

a pink leather catsuit. He described Tim Roth rather bizarrely as “like holding a penis upside down to make it appear erect”, whilst Buffalo 66 costar Christina Ricci was described as “basically a puppet. I told her what to do, and she did it.” Hate is a creative tool at his disposal.

So what marks him out as special amongst all the other egotists? All at once he teeters on the brink of selfparody, self-destruction and true greatness. Any temptation to pigeonhole Vincent Gallo should have been binned long ago. The stereotype of an artistic liberal boho should be discounted because he is a teetotal, drug free Republican. There isn’t really a contemporary comparison to make with what is effectively an indie Renaissance Man. No other individual so easily manages to cover all fields in a blaze of spectacularly flagrant self-publicity. Indeed, much of what is now claimed as fact about him could well be just another Gallo-created fantasy. Was he really a New York rentboy? Was he really a motorcycle champion? It wouldn’t be surprising if they have been made them up. Then again, it wouldn’t be surprising if they were true.

Tsunami: 4 months on

Features 15

The images of destruction shook the world and inspired unprecedented aid.

Kim O’Connor sees how the affected countries are rebuilding themselves now that the cameras have gone home

O

n 26 December 2004, a tsunami hit the Indian Ocean region and caused destruction on an unprecedented scale. Nearly 300,000 people have been reported as either dead or missing and whole communities have been wiped out in Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Thailand, India, the Maldives and some parts of Africa.

The world’s attention was captured by the media coverage. Public donations to the Disasters Emergency Committee (DEC), set up to coordinate a large-scale relief effort, have exceeded £300 million. Cardiff played host to the Tsunami Relief Concert in the Millennium Stadium, which raised over £1 million for the appeal. Cardiff University students also took part in the fundraising, with events organised by the People and Planet Society and the Music Society, amongst others.

In the aftermath of the Boxing Day disaster, anxieties remain as to how the countries affected can recover and whether such a tragedy could happen again.

ARMY: bringing aid to the region

Rebuilding THE SOCIAL effects of the tsunami are yet to be understood in full. The immediate shock of the disaster has left survivors dazed and grieving, and there are concerns that psychological trauma could afflict many more.

UNICEF are providing counselling SURVIVORS: what awaits them?

sessions for young people in Thailand and India to encourage them to talk through their problems and worries. In Aceh villagers are trying to return to work but many are still too traumatised to leave their families. Research by Oxfam has revealed that, in some areas, four times as many women as men died in the tsunami. This could have significant social effects, as well as an impact on the workforce.

16 Features

Rebuilding

O

ver 1.5 million people were left homeless by the tsunami.

Reconstruction work has already begun in many of the countries devastated by the tidal waves.

In Aceh, the worst hit region of Indonesia, temporary housing has been built by the government to accommodate the thousands of homeless. The houses are constructed from wood with corrugated iron roofs and certainly provide a better standard of living than the refugee camps that many are forced to take shelter in.

However, it is clear that frustration exists in Aceh and other affected areas as the progress of rebuilding is slow. Plans for the allocation of funds raised and the process of reconstruction are still being formed, with a decision by the DEC, UN, relief agencies and government bodies to be made in May. Sri Lanka, where the number of homeless is put at between 800,000 and one million, has proposed a government Task Force for Rebuilding the Nation. TAFREN aims to work with NGOs and other donors to return the

TSUNAMI RELIEF MAP

country to a state of normality by rebuilding schools, houses, roads and hospitals but has been set back by the delay in approving plans.

The huge amounts raised by the Tsunami Appeal have led charities to call for careful planning to ensure that the funds are used effectively.

Barbara Stocking, Director of Oxfam

damaged areas, and also in providing education on public health issues.

They are running cash-for-work projects in Indonesia to help keep those who cannot work as a result of the tsunami from poverty. UNICEF, along with other aid agencies and the Sri Lankan government, have installed 350 water tanks throughout Galle to provide

Economics

tained reconstruction work in the devastated regions.

The longer term financial situation of these nations is still uncertain, although it seems that most economies should remain largely unscathed. Tax breaks have been proposed for imports from countries such as Thailand, but it is unclear whether these will go ahead as some EU member states have blocked them.

RECENT REPORTS of a shortfall in tsunami aid have been capturing the headlines.

The Asian Development Bank claim there is a deficit of over $4bn in the aid pledged by donor countries. This money is crucial for facilitating susGreat Britain, has said: "There are many challenges that cannot be ignored. The amount of money raised means that governments and aid agencies must address issues of the quality, not just quantity, of aid.”

Oxfam urges relief agencies to consult with the communities they are working in to ensure that rebuilding is appropriate to the cultural and social demands of a country. As a charity, Oxfam has been involved in providing water and sanitation facilities in badly

clean drinking water for the people living in refugee camps.

The reconstruction of communities is likely to be a lengthy process, taking at least three years, and it is important that plans are made with long-term solutions in mind. There is some hope, though, that when rebuilding does finally get underway, living conditions may exceed those that existed before the waves struck.

Progress OUR THOUGHTS must stay with those affected by the Asian tsunami as they begin the long process of recovery and reconstruction. It does appear, though, that there are many areas of life which can be addressed as a result of the increased media coverage and public awareness of the regions hit by the disaster.

The scale of the public response to fundraising appeals has been unprecedented. The relief work being carried out is, for the first time, fully funded. There is an opportunity to raise the standard of living even higher than it was before the waves struck and to address issues of poverty and debt that have beset South Asia for many years.

For the survivors of the tsunami, however, there is still a long way to go before life can get back to normal.

Features 17

Tourism TOURISM IS one of the most pressing current concerns. All countries are suffering from a decline in visitors following the tragedy. In Sri Lanka, many hotels and beach resorts are running at 20% of their capacity.

The Maldives, in particular, relies on tourism for nearly half of its GDP

Peace

DESTRUCTION: the aftermath

Another Tsunami?

THE QUESTION that many of us are asking is whether something like this could happen again, especially after the recent earthquake in Nias which sparked mass panic of another tsunami.

Plans are underway for an early warning system to be set up along the Indian Ocean region. This would include a regional warning centre that would be in position to inform citizens of any dangers. The cost of such a project and the location of the warning centre are still under discussion.

Health AMAZINGLY, THE PREDICTIONS about disease epidemics that followed the disaster have not come true. It was thought that as many lives could be claimed by cholera, malaria and other water-borne diseases as were lost to the waves. The curbing of illnesses is credited to the work of medical professionals from the World Health Organisation, the swift rebuilding of mains water supplies and the provision of clean water by governments and charities.

and the losses in jobs and income from the effects of the tsunami could prove heavy for this small collection of islands. The media has been called upon to ensure that coverage of the disaster does not paint too bleak a picture, as the continuation of tourist traffic to these regions is imperative.

DEATH FROM ABOVE: An aerial shot of the damage caused by the tsunami

IT IS HOPED that one of the effects of the tsunami will be to improve the political situation in countries such as Indonesia and Sri Lanka. Both nations have a long history of political strife between the ruling government and separatist movements calling for independence. A ceasefire between the Sri Lankan government and the Tamil Tiger guerrilla army looks promising.

Pressure from foreign aid donors is forcing the two sides to cooperate to ensure effective reconstruction of communities. Before the tsunami, the chances of peace were slim as the last settlement talks stalled 18 months ago. A compromise would mean that areas controlled by the separatist movement would benefit from aid money to rebuild houses, schools and hospitals. The relationship between the Indonesian government and the GAM ‘Free Aceh Movement’ is still uncertain but there is, at least, the possibility of peace.

The long-term effects of the tsunami are unclear. With many people still in shock, and the rebuilding of homes and schools yet to be done, only time will tell whether Asia can recover from this devastating scar.

There is a hint of a silver lining, though. With hopes for improved housing, infrastructure and social care it appears that this may, in fact, be a perfect opportunity to improve the general standard of living in many of the countries affected.

Summar y

18

Fashion

Quench 25 04 05

fashion@gairrhydd.com

The world of fashion Quench takes you on a whirlwind tour of two of the world’s most fashionable hotspots

By Emily Knightly Fashion Correspondent in Italy

Are Italian men really more stylish than their British counterparts?

Fashion Desk investigates

D

oes anyone else look at some of the guys at university and seriously wonder whether or not they looked in a mirror before they left the house? After spending six months in Italy, I have to admit the one thing I did not miss about my home country was seeing guys’ butts hanging out of their trousers. For the most part, Italian men live up to expectations of being tall, dark, handsome, smouldering specimens of the male species. Not only that, they know how to dress too.

Like most, they often favour jeans, but unlike their British counterparts, they fit, around the waist, around the butt and in the leg. Then, and my favourite bit, they wear shoes, leather shoes, of course darling, instead of trainers. They understand that trainers are for working out and sport and should not be seen off the pitch or outside of the gym. And the finishing touch? In the cold mountain winters they don a nice wool overcoat. Very sophisticated.

The British often mistake Italian male preening as vanity, but it’s not.

It’s simply a precision about presentation. However, you must believe me when I say that the preening is endless; my ex-lover and I invariably had fights over the bathroom mirror in the morning and walking down a street he was forever checking his appearance in car windows.

But is there a reason for this? Why do Italian men dress better than British men? It seems mostly down to the fact they’ve grown up in a country home to the world’s most esteemed fashion retailers, both for the highstreet and on the cat-walk - Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, Valentino, Max Mara, Benetton, Prada, Gucci, Diesel and Versace to name just a few. It’s hard not to be influenced in some way with all that fashion quite literally on your doorstep.

Fashion is followed slavishly in Italy.

When the season changes, and it seems to happen almost overnight, the cognoscenti (those in the know) all start wearing the same colour. The Milan Spring/Summer 2005 catwalks’ colour was green which is why it is all over the highstreet at the moment.

The British often mistake Italian male preening as vanity, but it’s not. It’s simply a precision about presentation However, for some people Italian fashion may seem a little boring, conservative and reserved. Perhaps they’re right in the sense that it lacks the imagination of British and American fashion - the experimental element is missing. In my opinion though, experimental and imaginative fashion is all very well, but not when it manifests itself in jeans that reveal the wearers’ underwear or a combination of colours that would look more at home on an artists’ palette. Fashion should certainly be interpretive, allowing expression of self and individualism but should also be sophisticated, elegant, and stylish.

The catwalk shows during Milan’s Fashion Week in January were just that, combining the experimental and the imaginative with style and elegance. Roberto Cavalli’s offering was stylish and chic whilst Frankie Morello combined classic cuts with dazzling contrasting colours, bringing the catwalk to life. Low-slung jeans, taking their inspiration from the trends of northern Europe and America, were a hit with the audiences. But even these still fitted the models, around the butt, in the leg and over their hips, rather than their waists.

Fashion 19

I think I’m turning Japanese

By Clare Hooker Deputy Fashion Editor

By Perri Lewis Fashion Editor

M

ode Japonaise impressed the world of fashion in 1982. Twelve designers, including Issey Miyake and Kenzo, made an impact in Paris with inventive shapes and monochrome tones.

However, the designers are left to set trends on a global scale because street fashion leads the way in Japan.

Inspired by the comfort, economical and practical nature of Western dress, rich materials, bold prints, bright, deep colours are implemented creating styles ranging from cute to outrageous. Quirky, rebellious, utterly chic and done with accuracy and ease, young Japanese wear a look of completeness.

Attention to detail is important. The ‘yeta sandal’ does just this, combining fashion with function. This platform, seen everywhere in Japan, was designed to prevent mud from getting on the bottom of the to-thefloor kimono and was worn everyday in the middle of the nineteenth century. It seems the Japanese take fashion one step further; trends are inspired by the pavement and set on the street.

B

rought to the attention of the Western masses

by Gwen Stefani’s debut album, Harajuku is the fashion mecca of Japan. Although no longer officially marked on a map, everyone knows where to find it. It is the place to be and to be seen.

Image is everything in Tokyo’s teenage town. Young Japanese flock to the shopping district to scour boutiques for the most original and eccentric looks. The most popular attraction is Takeshita Street where the most delightfully peculiar stores can be found.

Despite attempts by designers and big labels to infiltrate the Harajuku scene, trends continue to be dictated by the people. At present you are no one without white, thick-knit legwarmers and a tiny schoolgirl skirt, but this could change in an instant if no one else is seen to be wearing the combination the next week.

Visit Harajuku on a Saturday afternoon and it becomes obvious that it is more than just a location.

Harajuku has become term for a wonderful style unique to this place.

Harajuku girls: damn, you’ve got some wicked style

Following the sheep Gwen Stefani has launched a Japanese-inspired clothing range. Perri Lewis is not impressed

G

wen Stefani’s new label is, quite frankly, disappointing. Despite being hailed as one of the world’s most stylish women, Lamb, the artist’s first offering, bears little resemblance to the clothes she is most renown for wearing. There is a lack of creativity and none of Stefani’s originality has been transferred into the new line: she is linked to the label merely by name.

In fact, if it wasn’t for her association with the collection, nobody would look twice at it. Take away the Lamb tag and all you have are pieces you could pick up in Primark. Plain vests emblazoned with gothic texts are either fine Vivienne Westwood worn by the cream of eccentric couture or typical chav uniform. Lamb seems to miss the mark and fit right into the latter.

Stefani’s debut album asks whether you can see Harajuku inspiration in her latest collection and the answer is quite clearly no. It seems that most of it would be more suited to the streets of Essex Stefani: no longer fashion royalty rather than clad on the fashion elite of Japan.

20 T r a v e l

travel@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

Take a break

...From your guilty conscience. Pippa Bennet offers an introduction to ecotourism

B

efore I begin, I want to first dispel any fears or visions of kaftan-sporting, urine-drinking, tree-huggers that word ‘ecotourist’ may conjure up. Unfortunately, as a child of the 80s, the concept of ecotourism fell victim to the decade’s trend of naming anything that wasn’t to do with fashion or cars as ‘eco’, something, which today, unfortunately, has as many unappealing associations as the Flock of Seagulls haircuts or lukewarm cocktails its founders were trying to escape.

that won’t have negative environmental effects.

Ecotourism also strives to ensure that it is these communities who benefit from the industry with profits from your holiday going to local projects and businesses. Of course the other central aim is to provide the punters with a fantastic, unique experience.

The destinations also put a lot of effort into being as environmentally sound as possible – each eco-lodge will has its own philosophy as to what issues it feels need attention in its

Each operator, or ecolodge, works hard to make their tour and dedication to ecotourism as accessible as possible. The most obvious way of doing this is obviously to make it as affordable as they can. One such enticing trip is Tree Tops Jungle Lodge, a forest retreat in Sri Lanka located in a natural elephant reserve. Visitors are treated to jungle treks, tours of the local area and, of course, encounters of the trunk-ed kind. Lars Sorenson, the drive behind the lodge, is passionate about the retreat he’s helped to create, and

area, with attention always being paid to waste disposal, materials used, minimising fuel consumption and use of electricity and so on. At first, the projects were very much rooted in the natural world and conservation, but ecotourism has now extended to include humanitarian and community themed itineraries.

The range of ecotours that now exist span from those most suited to the more puritanical ecotourists, such as volunteering to restore paths in Indonesia, to experiences with a bigger ‘wow’ appeal. The places we assume aren’t accessible to mere mortals, or that if they are, they are too expensive or awkward for most of us to realistically travel to. Wrong.

his approach is the perfect showcase for why we should take more notice of ecotourism. Sorenson attributes Tree Tops’ success to motivation.

“Me and my staff are really happy and proud to show visitors our place and elephants. We also value the authenticity of what we offer as we create a real experience, not inexpensive plastic experiences produced in the mass tourism factory."

Tree Tops Farm proves that ecotourism is not unrealistically expensive either, as it costs just $49 per day with full board and excursions.

Hanging with the elephants Ecotourism is simply a term applied to any travel taken with a conscious attempt to respect and interact with the community and natural environment you’re visiting. How often do you hear people saying they ‘really want to get to know a place’ when they travel?

Well, ecotourism is the quick fix for any of us who desire a bit more than hedonistic sun chasing when we go away (not that a tan is an impossible outcome of being an ecotourist).

The more serious aim of ecotravel is to minimize the impact of tourism on developing or fragile communities – all ecosystems and traditions are respected when planning a new destination, with sustainable, local materials used to build the accomodation

It sounds too good to be true, and in some ways it is. When looking for ecotourist destinations, you have to make sure you avoid the companies dubbed ‘eco-terrorists’. While ecotourism tries to bring people to an area to nourish it, in some cases, ecolodges have been set up in very fragile places, not suited to any tourist development, eco or otherwise.

The International Ecotourism Society is a good place to find authentic, registered ecotour operators. The other debate currently surrounding the ethical practices of ecotourism is the question regarding the threat of pollution caused by the fuel emissions from the planes used to get to the

more environmentally damaging form of travel behind them, thus reducing the overall negative effects tourism has on fragile economies and environments.

A popular misconception of ecotourism is that you will be required to do labour. The good news for the more passive tourists among you is that while ecotourism can offer volunteer opportunities, it usually refers to a more relaxed, spectator-driven form of responsible travel, with small private companies or ‘ecolodges’ offering their own itineraries that not only let you take tours to indigenous tribes, watch tigers at dusk, but also offer

Ecotourism usually refers to a more relaxed, spectator-driven form of responsible travel often remote ecolodges. In response to widespread concern that this negates some of the good the ecolodges do, many operators now offer, for fundamental environmentalists, the option of sea and land transport where possible. It is of course a difficult debate as travel will always have some impact on the environment - roads have to be created and sites have to be cleared. It isn’t viable to expect everyone to abandon their addiction to luxury and excess in order to indulge their consciences and sense of adventure and when worrying about such pollution, we must remember that as more people turn to ecotourism, they will be leaving a

amazingly high standards of service. When you consider all this and the guaranteed feel-good factor of knowing your money is helping local projects, not international tour companies building another seaside resort, it seems an increasingly attractive idea. To recap on ecotourism: You can see and learn about the place from its own people, relax whilst being shown places you didn’t know existed, and on top of all that, come home knowing you have somehow helped? I cannot imagine a more holistic approach to travel – one that refreshes your mind, body, and global conscience.

Travel

21

Top Five Tree Tops Farm, Sri Lanka Typical stay is three days, incorporating sunset elephant watching and jungle treks.

Cost £35 per night http://ecoclub.com/treetopsfarm/ Yaklom Hill Lodge, Cambodia The accommodation. Opportunities to see tribal villages, ride elephants and see the most remarkable Buddhist treasures in the wilds of Cambodia.

Cost: £35 per night. http://ecoclub.com/yaklom/ Swim With Whales in Tonga Swim with humpbacks in the South Pacific Cost: Around £1500 for 10 days.

(Excl. flights) http://www.responsibletravel.com/ Trip/Trip101000.htm Peruvian Stove Building Ok, so it’s not swimming with dolphins, but this trip provides the humanitarians among you to help bring the standard of living to a higher level for Peruvian families.

Cost: £200 (excl. flights) http://www.responsibletravel.com/ Trip/Trip100765.htm Pacuare Lodge, Costa Rica One of 65 destinations to be cited as an example of Exemplary Tourism Practice by the World Tourism Organisation, Pacuare offers visitors a plethora of wildlife watching opportunities, and has made the accommodation as comfortable as possible.

Cost: Depends on what tours you want to take advantage of.

Generally more expensive than other lodges mentioned though. www.junglelodgecostarica.com

Helpful

sites:

om oclub.c el.com www.ecsponsibletrav www.re otourism.orgventures.com www.ec wn2ear thad cts.org www.do enmindproje rg www.oporld-tourism.o www.w

Conservation workers and their friends

Excess Baggage Battle of The Home Towns: Falmouth

Roger Moore's house from the Prince of Wales pier.

Best bar: Blue South for cocktails and seafood.

Best shop: Secrets, Rosina's (the necessar y vintage antique mention, and full of toys)

Bethany Whiteside 3rd year Histor y stude nt and Debate editor Falmouth in three words Sun, sea and sand - clic hé I know.

Things you never knew about Falmouth Steve MacFadden appa rently owns a club and you can see

Worst bar: Cork and Bo ttle and The King's Head mutton dressed as lamb sin ging S Club.

Worst club: Shades, do wn an alley and inhabited by 15 year olds.

Worst Shop: Home and Gifts store, full of flowery plastic and gla ss junk.

Posh or Pants?

More posh than pants , especially in summer with the odd celebrity sighting.

ce Postcards from Fran

By Robert Sharples

x be the thing in Bordeau oliday homes seem to or po a 't isn o anyone wh right now, at least for l teachers at my schoo the of st Mo nt. de stu at re the go d re by the sea', an have 'a little somewhe 'escape the city'. to nth mo a least once self. It's pretty dir ty in my I quite like the city ner und on every single cor places, people hang aro cigarettes and yes, ge or doorway trying to cad re, but at least it's a fun he ryw eve it gsh there's do rkets every day, people ma are place to live. There me, to the pub or just streaming to work or ho to wipe their feet yet ing try standing in a gutter I could leave the place. again. I never reckoned nd, when a guy I play eke we s That was until thi sear to his home in sunny pool with invited me ove m fro ve 45 minutes' dri side Andernos. About y peaceful. Walking the ible red inc it's x, Bordeau st e is pretty much the be qu rbe ba dog and having a er oth an e for be s rie batte way of recharging the nts. ts, sorry, darling stude week with the little shi

H

Tr a v e l

22

Everything you ever wanted to know Experts are showing concern over the number of students planning trips abroad this summer to help tsunami victims and their lack of proper insurance cover.

Charities across the UK are calling for both long and short term volunteers to help communities devastated by the Asian tsunami.

However, most travel insurance protection does not cover students who work when they travel in the holidays. Many students do not realise this and end up taking off without any insurance cover.

Martin Nugent at student online insurer www.cover4students.com said: "Students must make sure that their insurance covers them while they're working or they could end up giving a lot more than they bargained for."

, classBut now I'm back home and day the es have finished for to go to b pu ich wh wondering good to tonight. Sometimes it's it’s t bu , city the m escape fro this holidefinitely my home for day.

G a y

gay@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

23

Gay bashing How safe are LGB students in Cardiff? Craig Richards investigates...

I

often think that it’s great to be gay and see no problems with homosexuality. Yet recent reports on the London Life website state that homophobic crime in London has risen by twenty per cent over the past year.

These shocking statistics emphasise the potential danger that exists for gay, lesbian and bisexual residents within the UK. With homophobic crime on the rise, how safe can one feel within our society? And, importantly, are these statistics a reflection of homophobic crime within Cardiff?

Cardiff Student Liaison Officer, PC Bob Keohane, told Quench that reported cases of homophobic crime in Cardiff are rare. He says that Cardiff police are making an “extra effort” on lowering the amount of crimes against minority groups, including homosexuals. These include working alongside the Terrence Higgins Trust at known cruising grounds within the city, and being in constant contact with nightclubs in case of violence. But are their efforts effective?

Cardiff University students say ‘yes’. Dave Wesson, a third-year

gay@gairrhydd.com

By Ian Loynd Gay Editor

R

ecognising and celebrating homosexuality is important.

The gay section is a national first in student media. Volunteers are needed for next year to continue the work we’ve done.

Interested? Email the Editor.

mature student, told Quench, "I find Cardiff a relaxed place. I have not experienced any homophobia whilst socialising on the scene or in mainstream venues."

Kate Macnamara, a first-year Pharmacy student, supports this view.

She describes her home town of Reading as "quite small [with] quite a lot of homophobia. In contrast, Cardiff has much wider variety and allows gay, lesbian and bisexual people be more open and free to express who they are."

Dan Smith, a third-year Language and Communication student, feels that there is more trouble on the gay scene than off it, making him feel "less comfortable in a gay place."

There appears, however, to be little knowledge amongst the gay population of how to report a homophobic crime. PC Keohane described one process of reporting: Self Report Forms may be completed in the privacy of your home and then handed in confidentially. The police respond to all complaints and begin an investigation.

But how well publicised are such procedures? Kevin McCabe, third year astrophysics student, says he hasn’t seen any information in the gay pubs and clubs in Cardiff: "The gay scene has been quite good in recent years in making us aware of sexual health risks, so it would be easy for them to do the same for this."

Cath Foster, third year English Literature student and Publicity Officer for Cardiff University LGBT Society, highlighted a stall held at the Cardiff Pride Festival in the summer.

Even so, she feels that it could be publicised more.

Reports of homophobic crimes are low in Cardiff, however it appears that there is still a need for improvement.

PC Keohane concluded: "It is important that all incidents are reported so that resources can be put where they are needed."

Homophobic crime is illegal. By working with the police we can all play our part in its decline.

Reviews

Quench 25 04 05 Photos: Natalia Acres and Olly Williams

25

Rufus Wainwright, star of the most musical family since the Von-Trapps wows Bristol’s Colston Hall

Oh, What a World!

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT AND HIS BAND Colston Hall Bristol Wednesday April 6

I

t’s always nice to have a Plan B. Tonight, Rufus (one of three Wainwrights currently charming these fair isles) is nursing a sore throat. He manages openers Agnus Dei and Crumb by Crumb, but by Vibrate (a paean to a tech-literate lover) the high notes all come out as a rusty croak. Eek. What can you do? Well, it’s more like ‘what can’t Rufus do?’ Head down, he makes his way through a marathon two-hour set, which includes covers of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah and Lennon/McCartney’s Across The Universe before finishing with a beautiful (if croaky) version of Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk.

Chatting bewteen songs about his family, his new strategy of walking around the stage with the microphone (“I did a gig with Jarvis

Cocker and Nick Cave, so i felt like I had to”) and sounding gayer than he thought, Rufus Wainwright is proud to be here tonight, it’s just a shame his vocal chords aren’t.

The thirty-two year-old Canadian then tells us he normally dedicates Gay Messiah, the story of a seven-

Wainwright and the whole of his six-piece band strip down to tube socks and underwear ties tube-sock wearing Jesus (reborn from 1970s’ porn), to the recently deceased Pope John Paul II. However “John Paul kinda ruined this” for him by passing away.

The Papacy are one of the few groups who would mess with him on this form though. It’s just such a

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT: A more bizarre ‘Before & After’ you will not see.

ABOVE: Rufus’ Bristol set-list. The band wasn’t that big though. shame that the strains of touring have put paid to a near-legendary show But what’s this? After a verse or two of the frankly quite filthy Old Whore’s Diet, Wainwright and the whole of his six-piece band strip down to tube socks and underwear (including a far too revealing gstring). The drama-queen comes out (more-so) and somehow, as if the Gay Messiah of whom Wainwright sings is in the crowd, the voice returns and the high notes are back for Broadway showcloser, I Don’t Know What It Is and the Ravel-sampling Oh, What A World.

Last of the great showmen? In a 25-minute encore Rufus transformed a very good show into the stuff of (homoerotic) dreams. Superb.

Will Dean

26 M u s i c

music@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

THE GLITTERATI The Glitterati Warner Music

With an album recorded by Guns ‘N’ Roses producer Mike Clink it’s surely going to be easy to make comparisons to the likes of Appetite for Destruction. But you know what, there is definitely a similar feeling got by listening to The Glitterati as there is to the mighty G’N’R. The majority of tracks, such as opener Betterman, Heartbreaker and You Need You are upbeat, guitar crunching, masterpieces, plus a few token slow numbers. This album is pure, sleazy, rock ‘n’ roll, and for a debut, it's highly impressive and addictive. 9/10 Will Schmit

HAL Hal

Rough Trade

Irish pop perfectionists Hal exist in an irony free world where 60s/70s West Coast surf pop reigns supreme. The reason Hal never drown in their own kitsch is that they remember to lean and never succumb to their retro poprock meandering.

They live in a dreamscape land free of markers and restrictions. While The Beach Boys and Van Morrison may be primary influences in a more modern climate Teenage Fanclub and Belle and Sebastien echo in the pop accapela beauty of Keep Love as Your Golden Rule and the grandiose opera ripples of My Eyes are Sore.

Think My Bloody Valentine stripped bare and Hal gradually begin to sweep in on their own beauty. 8/10 Craig Driver

M.I.A. Arular XL

"London quieten down, I need to make a sound" demands M.I.A. during her debut offering, and you really should, as this staggering debut from Sri Lankan-born MC Maya Arulpragasm commands attention.

This is how music should sound in 2005, a complete amalgamation of a wealth of musical styles. Hip-hop, electro, ragga and punk.

Punk? Too right, MIA embodies the spirit of punk far more than a bunch of crack-addled, leather jacket wearing retro copycats. Its everything that punk was; new, exciting and unlike anything you’ve heard before. Or maybe I’m wrong and The Others are the true descendents of punk. Yeah.

M.I.A’s beats are as colourful as the Notting Hill carnival and as vicious as a bomb, this combined with her knack for a catchy couplet makes Arular one of the essential albums of this year. 9/10 Jon Davies

TRACY BONHAM Blink The Brightest Zoë/Rounder Records

The multi-talented singer, songwriter, pianist, violinist and guitarist Tracy Bonham captivates us with her Skye Edwards-esque style. An album filled with bouncy acoustic riffs combined with catchy melodies, this most recent record in the ever growing alternative pop scene will be a hit with those of you who are fans of Alanis or the like.

The song Something Beautiful, is available for request on Radio 2.

8/10 Nik Thakkar

gestion of one when it’s tipping it down and you just want to go out and play. Smile around the face, the second track and the latest single, is like some sort of twinkly oriental daydream with its soft drum-beat and other synthesised sounds slowly building to distant "ooo"s and "woah”s.

Apart from the fact that one or two of the tracks make me feel like I’m in some sort of ambient sofa advert, this album is well worth a listen.

8/10 Sylvie Winn

INSTRUCTION God Doesn’t Care Geffen Records DO ME BAD THINGS: No thanks.

DO ME BAD THINGS YES! ATLANTIC

I’m never quite sure how to describe this particular band. They verge on pure genius. With their mixture of bassy classic rock riffs r’n’b influences and soulful female vocals makes for a unique combination.

Molly’s Wood is probably a personal favourite with its lazy droning guitar.

This album has a great mix of tracks and is definitely worthy of a place anyone’s CD collection. 8/10 Elgan Iowerth

FOUR TET Everything Ecstatic Domino Recordings

Don’t knock music without choruses and obvious "tunes" until you’ve tried it. And what better way to ease you in than this. As the title and rainbow coloured artwork might suggest, this is a warm friendly album perfect for a warm sunny day. Or for the forced sug-

Maxïmo Park A Certain Trigger Warp

Arty Shepherd: not educated in the art (ahem) of subtlety or even modesty. Chief wailer with NY bandits Instruction he’s the self-proclaimed next Jesus apparently. See fast-food neck-snapper Great where he loudly contemplates just quite how "FUCKING GREAT" he is? The answer: very FUCKING GREAT Arty, now shush.

7/10 Greg Cochrane

ART BRUT Bang Bang Rock And Roll Fierce Panda

A l b u m s 27 STEREOLAB Oscillons From The Anti-Sun Too Pure/Duophonic

This gargantuan four disc box set is more than any hardcore sugar-coated, lounge-lizard fan of Stereolab could ever wish for. Comprising of a DVD of rare live performances and three discs brimming with rarities and lo-fi obscurities, the softly tempered glacial beauty of Stereolab is given the full panoramic treatment. Sean O’Hagan’s arrival and the untimely death of harmony vocalist/guitarist Mary Hansen mark a stunning decade long journey of high wire experimental pop.

With influences ranging from Tortoise to Kraftwerk scattered throughout like fairy dust, this is Stereolab at their most immediate and accessible. The precious jazz-funk workshop of Fluorescences and the Gallic pop perfection of Ping-Pong sound even more pertinent in the slipstream of the recent pop-sparkle invasion headed by Scandinavian temptress Annie and Parisian wizards Nouvelle Vague.

Oscillons’ plethora of treasures demonstrates a band on the move, edging ever closer to the realisation of a warm and sweet ideal. It may seem overly precocious at times but when the Gallic charm is this cheekily haunting you can’t help but drown happily in its wake. 8/10

Satirising the current indie-rock scene whilst being firmly part of it was always going to be a tough task, yet Art Brut pull it off with style and credibility. The music drives along with neat little electric guitar riffs and precision drumming. Dominating though are Eddie Argos’ hypnotising singspeak vocals which swagger across the tune to give every line wit, bite, and most of all humanity. The songs are lively but grounded, with their continual knowing playfulness always winning the day, showing that humour doesn’t necessarily mean novelty. 7/10 David Ford MAXïMO PARK: If you think thats cool, you should see his rhombus.

Amongst the throng of faceless guitar-bands comes Maxïmo Park. Although hot on the heels of fellow north-easterners, The Futureheads, they can still stand on their own ten feet.

Flamboyant frontman Paul Smith sings in a recognisable Northern accent which carries immediate connotations. The album erupts discontent over the pressures of life and love and a desire to disregard the mundanity of modern life. Set over catchy guitar riffs its energy spills over and manages to resonate even after the album is over. This ain’t ground breaking stuff, but it’s got some sing-a-long fun that should keep you entertained, at least for a while.

7/10 Cat Gee

Craig Driver

28

Albums

THE MOUNTAIN GOATS The Sunset Tree 4AD

This, the ninth album in eleven years from John Darnielle and The Mountain Goats, is one of a rare breed – a successful concept album. Dedicated to Darnielle’s abusive step-father, The Sunset Tree is the story of the songwriter retreating to his room as his step-father storms, shouts and threatens to take away John’s stereo ("The one thing I couldn’t live without").

Despite the grim surroundings and the demons countered within, The Mountain Goats steer us towards 13 songs of simple beauty. The liner notes tell us ‘never lose hope’. How could we? 9/10 Will Dean

10,000 THINGS 10,000 Things Fiction Records

TEENAGE FANCLUB Man-Made Pema

The best pop to come out of Scotland since Irn-Bru, the Fannies are back. Norman Blake’s gang of Nick Hornby-favourites return to prove that while you can’t necessarily teach an old band new tricks (look at Oasis) you can build on a well established formula rather than just survive on former glories. Opener It’s All in My Mind is vintage Fanclub, and while the rest of the album fails to live up to the sheer brilliance of albums like Grand Prix and Songs From Northern Britain, Man-Made is a nice reminder that a band lazily thrown in with the Britpop movement can still produce moments of splendour.

7/10 Will Dean

MOBY Hotel

BANG GANG Something Wrong

With his sixth album, Hotel, His Baldness ditches the samples and focuses more on his ability as a singer and songwriter, which is odd because he is not particularly good at either. Hotel is aptly named as the music it contains is innocuous enough to be playing in a hotel lobby.

His heinous cover of New Order’s Temptation is slowed down to an agonising pace that would comatise Bernard Sumner, and in I Like It we’re forced to imagine Moby naked, which is about as appealing as a plate of tripe. Each track seems to have been intended for playing at a volume that won’t disturb the neighbours, making the whole album feel vacant and distinctly average. If Hotel were a hotel, it would be a Travelodge near Milton Keynes. The rooms are neat and functional but you wouldn’t stay there again. 3/10 Katie Brunt

Iceland has a lot to answer for.

Thankfully they gave us Björk with her searing vocals and nutty beauty.

Unfortunately they also gave us Sigur Ros with their blatant self-indulgence and daylong crescendos. Bang Gang may have popped the same national cherry, but the twisted majesty throughout suggests great things.

With influences scurrying everywhere from Air and Portishead to more recent upstarts such as Goldfrapp and M83, Bang Gang flutter gently from the sun kissed melody of It’s Alright to the urgent beauty of Find What You Get. Served by an innate understanding of the recent shift of dance music from the vertical to the horizontal Bang Gang seem destined to take up residency on the next Sofia Coppola soundtrack. Stunning to the point of euphoria. 8/10

Mute

Discograph Records

Craig Driver

There are infinitely more than 10,000 things wrong with 10,000 Things.

Eschewing all good taste they seem intent on proving beyond all reasonable doubt that ska-rock is a hybrid as popular as Hitler impregnating Mae West.

This is the kind of music Burberrywearing chavs would choose to play at their christening in the vain belief that donning a Trilby and strumming it constitutes greatness.

10,000 Things debut album is irresponsible, bland, morose, dull, insipid, tedious, monotonous, dreary, inconsequential, irritating, pathetic, tasteless, foolish, immature, and most worryingly bound to be played everywhere by the end of the year. 3/10 Craig Driver

OCEAN COLOUR SCENE A Hyperactive Workout for the Flying Squad Sanctuary

The Brummie institution return with their seventh studio recording. The album title is as forgettable as many of the songs, which mostly feel like pastiches of their glory days. Some anaemic covers, including George Harrison’s Wah Wah, do little to halt the band’s inevitable slide into obscurity. But what’s this? Some variation hidden within the formulaic majority?

The Celtic folk of This Day Should Last Forever, and bouncy brass sound of recent single Free my Name, are fresh and infectious. Drive Away is U2’s One, but without the airplay, which epitomises the destiny of OCS – to be Scene but not heard of again.

6/10 Oliver Williams

S i n g l e s 29 IAN BROUDIE Smoke Rings EP Deltasonic

Broudie’s been producing some good bands of late. The goodness, however, hasn’t rubbed off. These songs are slow, tuneless and about NOTHING. Almost makes Three Lions sound bearable (actually, nothing could do that). 1/10 Colm Loughlin

THE TEARS Refugees

Independiente

Ah, its like they never went away, isn’t it? Refugees reminds you why people got so excitied about Brett and Bernard back in the day. It sounds exactly like you want it too, soaring guitars combinine perfectly with Anderson’s imistakable voice.

Beautiful. 8/10

GORILLAZ Feel Good Inc. Parlaphone

Damon Albarn’s simian side project return. Albarn’s hushed croaky vocals are backed by the funkiest bass line since White Lines. Oh, and those guys rapping? Yeah, that’s De La Soul. Even if the weather’s shit this summer at least with this it‘ll have a good soundtrack.

9/10

Bill Bones

TIGS And Again

Jon Davies

Red Roar Records

MELOBOY Hot Love

BLACKBUD The Livewire EP

This crazy lot sound like your typical Daft Punk. With vocals put over what I can only describe as one of those happy, bouncy songs they used to sing on Playdays. A bit pants, but also quite brilliant. 6/10 Will Schmit

Last year Blackbud were joint winners with The Subways in the Glastonbury Unsigned Competition. However, their music couldn’t be more different. Joe Taylor wails like a young Jeff Buckley, and the band back it up with Hendrixesque rock. For a young band still learning their trade, it’s certainly impressive. 8/10

Novamute

YOURCODENAMEIS:MILO 17 Fiction Records

Fierce Panda

Dave Jennings

Apparently YCNI:M "concern themselves with fucking with music."

Humping it, squashing it and spitting on it until it sounds like Fugazi tickling Radiohead but looks like a wet bag of chips. 8/10 Greg Cochrane

ELYSIAN Over You

Like an edgier update on Blondie, Tigs are a perfect mix of sex and sass.

The jangly guitars of the intro give way to a spiky vicious verse, backed with hypnotic female vocals that lead to a crashing chorus. Their name may be forgettable, but the songs certainly aren’t. 7/10 Jon Davies

CAMERA There’s No Way My Kung Fu

After opening Tsunami Relief Cardiff, Camera return with their second single. Its blend of floating harmonies, melancholy vocals and mellow guitars will surely appeal to all Indie fans.

Excusing the repeated ‘fall like a domino’ line, it’s an impressive effort from the North Wales lads. 7/10 Kerry-Lynne Doyle

Elysian Records

NINE INCH NAILS Hand That Feeds Interscope

Kicking garage rock with a raw and powerful sound. Elysian is an energetic female with a razor sharp edge.

Over You screams success. Joining forces with the likes of Matt Hyde, who has worked with Funeral For A Friend, is bound to result in some great stuff. 8/10 Nik Thakkar Trent Reznor: Rock Star/Male Model

Growing old gracefully would never be easy for the former king of shockrock. Hand That Feeds proves that while class may be permanent, the bitter snarl and bite of The Fragile is now resigned to a scrapbook of former glories. 6/10 Sam Coare

30 Single s I AM KLOOT Over My Shoulder

The Echo Label/ Chrysalis Music

The Mancunian wonders who sound like they hail from Orange County, bring us their latest single Over My Shoulder.

For a mere sound-bite at two minutes and fifty-two seconds, kinda bland and way too common. Anyone else getting bored of this repetitive indie scene?

Heck, at least the band name doesn’t begin with ‘The’.

5/10 Nik Thakkar

LE TIGRE After Dark

Universal Records

Not as instantly catchy as the pop parade of TKO, this still struts its feminine sass with enough knowing indulgence and camp to remain peripheral but essential. Pulling back on the chants in favour of a doll-like insistence to recount sexual misdemeanours, this further serves to highlight the Goddess-like qualities of Kathleen Hanna and her day-glow crew.

7/10 Dave Jennings

THE CAVES Polymorphic Light Eruption Main Spring Records Ltd

Even for the dated pop-rock genre The Caves are desperately trying to subscribe to, their limp vocals and verging on facetious lyrics do nothing to compensate for the humdrum melody excreted by this woefully mediocre band. Advice for The Caves; stick to what you're good at, merely existing quietly!

2/10 Richard Farrell

RAZORLIGHT Somewhere Else Vertigo

Lyrically, this song really has no point whatsoever. It begins with meeting a girl (how original) and mentions going somewhere else. No clues as to where, why or even what happened!

Minor details really, because it’s all about the music. A more expansive sound from the usual Rip It Up guitar antics; as a piano foundation eventually climaxes with a screeching Johnny Borrell in an epic reprise of the final chorus. Sublime.

7/10 James Woodroof.

PINK GREASE Peaches Mute records

Pink Grease’s latest retro-treat is a

homage to this succulent fruit and all the sexual connotations that go with it. Worth buying for the fact it’s probably the most sensitive this band are ever going to get. Or for the funky and frankly bonkers remix by the rock slut that is, yes you guessed it, Peaches.

8/10 Sylvie Winn

la-esque speed that leaves you feeling a little bit used. Add to this a gentle yet obvious dialect Christy Moore would be proud of: straight from a refreshingly female and feisty mouth.

8/10 Sofie Jenkinson

SOFT HEARTED SCIENTISTS Isabella (Keep Riding The Road To The Sea)

Columbia

My kung Fu

Transforms from the aftermath of a death scene in a Tarantino movie to a classically layered Beach Boys lament over a girl. A subtle build up of atmosphere gradually creating its ghostly instrumental. Despite confusing musical influences it still leaves a certain satisfaction, though it may just put you to sleep.

4/10 Sofie Jenkinson

BODYROCKERS I Like The Way Mercury Records

I guess it’s about time another of these electric guitar based dance tracks to find it’s way into our nations clubs. No doubt it’ll rip through every dance floor causing carnage for about month or so before reeling off into the depths of the unknown, never to be heard again.

5/10 Will Schmit

SONS & DAUGHTERS Dance Me In Domino

Edgy, upbeat and Celtic…surely not?

Jig inducing passion reflected in a strong trademark beat with a tarantel-

THE RAVEONETTES Ode To L.A. Sometimes listening to The Raveonettes is like being strapped to the underside of a run away ghost-train manned by the Jesus and Mary Chain.

But sometimes they make pretty songs with bells and "woah-oh-ohs". Yuck.

7/10 James Woodroof

BIG STRIDES Suicidal

Tall Order Records

Surprisingly poppy given the title, there's some off-key and up-beat punky-funk on display here. The doublebass and shaky guitar playing work well inside the messy sound of a band that appear to be both different, yet just a little too predictable, all at once.

6/10 David Sutheran

LEAVES The Spell Island

Icelandic indie-schmindie mediocrity ahoy! Congratulations Leaves, you have managed to sound marginally better than every British MOR indie band.

Please understand that this is still really insipid, uninspiring stuff. 5/10 Colm Loughlin

Music

31

SAY

CHEESE!

Quench speaks to fast rising Welsh Indie upstarts Camera about playing stadiums, getting on the radio & meeting Lemar...

You’d think that Camera’s luck would peak with playing to an audience 1000 times the size of their average one, but no, lo and behold their debut single Hurt was picked by famous DJ and fat bloke Phil Jupitus as his single of the week. Fair play.

Not only did they get the ‘big-up’ from Phil they also joined him on his breakfast show on 6 Music. I ask what it was like chilling with ‘the Joop’ was he cool or a big beardy diva? "Well we didn’t really have a chance to chat with him properly because he was doing his thing. But he seemed really sound."

Being the young scamp I am, I couldn’t resist a few camera gags, so what do Camera prefer to use? 35mm or digital? (sounding slightly bewildered) "Urm I guess their both quite good really, but digital is what we’ve been going with lately." I didn’t really stick with the whole ‘camera related questions’ thing for long. Although I did find out their drummer is the most likely to flash. Jon Davies

Embrace. It was a bit strange though, you didn’t just wanna go up to people and say ‘I know you your famous." Surely the desire to meet Lemar would have taken control over anyone’s inhibitions? "Yeah we met Lemar, the strangest thing about it though was things like being in the queue for food and seeing Jools Holland in front of you getting some chips."

“

“

I

f you were one of the 60,000 people who went to the Tsunami Relief gig in the Millennium Stadium you may recall seeing a slightly nervous emerging Welsh Indie band opening the show. That band was Camera. I caught up with lead singer/guitarist Matt as the band prepare to go on the road in promotion of their forthcoming single. There’s No Way is a slow burning slice of mellow indie that shows why this lot have been causing trouser movements among certain quarters of the Welsh music scene.

Going from the club-circuit and playing stadiums is generally something bands achieve over a few years but Camera had the chance to experience it after only releasing one single. Surely that’s got to be a bit strange? "It was just really surreal, it felt like we weren’t there. At one point I opened my eyes and all I could see was thousands of faces."

So in the presence of such musical luminaries such as Jools Holland, Eric Clapton and Liberty X surely a bunch of cheeky Welsh lads couldn’t resist a bit of schmoozing? "Yeah our drummer was chatting with Badly Drawn Boy and the singer from

At one point I opened my eyes and all I could see were thousands of faces Matt on playing Tsunami Relief

So after tasting stadium success so early in their career is it something that the band hope will happen again? "It’s not something I try to think about too much, obviously it would be nice but…"

Camera’s latest single ‘Theres No Way’ is released April 25th on My Kung Fu

32 M u s i c

Here comes the

SUMMER

Music guide you through this summer’s top festivals

By Sam Coare, Jon Davies and Greg Cochrane Music Editors THE FESTIVAL season kicks off with the RAWK extravaganza that is Download (10th - 12th, Donnington Park). This is never one for the fainthearted and this year is no exception with a devilhorn inspiring line up that includes Black Sabbath, System of a Down, Slipknot and Slayer. This year also sees the inclusion of ‘lighter’ day with Feeder, Garbage and the newly re-formed Dinosaur JR. 80s legend Billy Idol also makes a rare festival appearance. Get in!

a few. However, reports from previous years suggest that the festival tends to attract an older crowd and the line up does have a slight ‘middle of the road’ whiff about it. Maybe one to do if your stuck with no other options.

Weekend Ticket are available for the Isle of Wight Festival, priced at £90, as are day tickets (Sunday Sold Out) priced at £35.

Further information from Isleofwight.com

June

Weekend and Day tickets for the Download Festival are currently on sale through downloadfestival.com or the usual outlets, priced at £125 and £45 respectivley. Visit (http://onsale.ticketmaster.co.uk/offer/rebuild/?title=Download_05_W eekend_Ticket_with_Camping&type=presale) to take advantage of a special student discount offer.

FOR THOSE of you whose tastes are a little less, shall we say, heavy, then you may want to make a visit to the Isle of Wight Rock Festival (10th – 12th). Faithless, Morrisey and REM headline with support from Razorlight, Roxy Music and Snow Patrol to name

NEXT UP is the Daddy, the festival that all other festivals aspire to be; Glastonbury (24th - 26th). Highlights include the return of the White Stripes and Coldplay, Kylie, Brian Wilson, New Order and a whole load more on top of that. To be honest, as anyone who has been previously will know, it doesn’t matter whose playing. If you were lucky enough to get a ticket then prepare yourself for one of the greatest weekends of your life.

Glastonbury Festival has, predictably, sold out, but for information on the lineup visit glastonburyfestivals.co.uk. Due to the introcution of required ID at the site, students are reminded not to attempt to purchase tickets through unofficial sources.

DING DING! Second round for the big hitters. T in The Park (July 9th - 10th Kinross, Scotland) supplies the chance for the Jocks to get sweaty, sun burnt and sozzled to the rousing sounds of Greenday, Foo Fighters, The Killers, Snoop Dogg and Kaiser Chiefs. Whilst others get blurry with Death In Vegas, Mylo and LCD Soundsystem. For those tempted by these fruits, tough! Because it’s already a full house, or field, whatever.

Weekend and day tickets are all sold out for T in the Park, but further information on the event can be found at TinthePark.co.uk

NOT FORGETTING their Celtic cousins though, an almost identical line-up visits Punchestown Racecourse (Dublin, Ireland) on the same weekend for the Oxygen Festival (9th - 10th). Those necking back the Guinesses can enjoy the sweet ear-candy of Razorlight, Doves, Kasabian, Audioslave and the Godfather of Soul Mr James Brown.

Apparently, a few precious tickets are still circulating, so snap em up Jonny!

Both Weekdend and Day tickets are still available, priced at £45 and £98 (approx.) respectivly.

Check out Oxygen.ie for further information and to purchase tickets.

BRINGING THE DELIGHTS of July to a raving close is the Glade Festival (15th - 17th) taking place in, er, a forest, somewhere near Newbury.

Essentially providing a chance for all those warm and smiley Glastonbury dance monkeys to re-unite a month on from Pilton Paradise.

Sasha, Squarepusher, and Dreadzone supply the soundtrack to what almost certainly will be a very messy weekend indeed. Just turn up in a Type 2 clutching 15 kegs of intoxicating Cider and you’re guaranteed entry. Happy Festivities.

M u s i c 33

July

Tickets for the Glade Fetsival go on sale as of the 27th April. Due to the small nature of the festival, tickets are expected to sell very quickly.

Weekend tickets cost £82.50, whilst there are no plans to make day tickets available.

To purchase tickets, or to find out more about the event, check out Gladefestival.com.

All Lineup and Ticketing information/availability correct at time of going to press.

AUGUST BRINGS a close to the summers festival rollercoaster. For things a little closer to home, The Green Man Festival (19th - 21st, Hay-OnWye, Wales) celebrates all the real ‘alternative’ has to offer. With Culprit One, Joanna Newsom and Bonnie Prince Billy, the lineup provides a refreshing change.

Tickets for The Green Man Festival are currently on sale, priced at £65 for the event. Go to Thegreenmanfestival.co.uk for further information or to book tickets.

THE BABY of the big festivals returns on the same weekend, with its impressive array of talent alternating between its twin sites. However, despite the attendance of Oasis, Scissor Sisters, The Prodigy and Franz Ferdinand, The V Festival (20th 21st, Chelmsford and Staffordshire) is reportedly a nightmare for the welltravelled festival goer. Be prepared for an onslought of pre-pubescent teens not trusted by their parents enough for the likes of Glastonbury. A good start for the festival virgins among you, backed by one of the best lineups this summer.

Tickets for the V Festival have completely sold out

for both sites. Those intending on going are reminded to check the varying Camping and Car Parking restrictions for the relevant site. Such details, as well as lineup information, can be found at Vfestival.com

ADOPTED BY many as the festival of the summer, The Carling Weekend: Reading and Leeds Festivals (26th 28th) returns bigger and better than ever. Pixies, Foo Fighters and Iron Maiden head a top-drawer bill, with QOTSA, Incubus and Marilyn Manson providing more than ample support.

For the first time, Radio One teams up with the NME to provide the second stage, so expect performances from the likes of Bloc Party and The Futureheads, whilst The Carling Stage provides a chance to see the bands that will make the headlines in 2006.

August

Both Reading and leeds Weekend tickets are sold out. Limited day tickets remain for the Leeds site, priced at £60 per day. Further information for both sites can be obtained from Meanfiddler.com

34 L i v e ATHLETE The Great Hall

Saturday 12th March

Strange creatures this Athlete lot. If you snuffed the odd moment of madness where Tim Wanstall goes ape with a beep box and various knobs on his ever expanding keyboard, you would be nibbling on the sweetest indie ear candy on the market. Ever the experimental optimists, Athlete have something truly elegant in their second record Tourist. Musically uplifting and lyrically tender, the four-piece seem at ease in a venue full of student couples in the Great Hall. El Salvador satisfies those who yearn for the Summer, whilst acoustic strummer 24 Hours tweaks naggingly at those ever so slightly fragile heartstrings of Athlete fans. They got the style.

James Woodroof

LE TIGRE/GRAVY TRAIN Bristol Fleece and Firkin Sunday 20th March

I thought I’d be in for a, shall we say, oestrogen-filled experience at a Le Tigre gig. What I wasn’t expecting was a muscular man in a pair of y-fronts gyrating down a pole only several inches from some poor girls face.

Everybody say hello to Gravy Train.

Consisting of two guys, two hideously ugly ladies and a few instruments for good measure, this lot are so smutty they’d make Karen O blush like a shy school girl. They look like extras from the Maculay Culkin film Party Monster (you haven’t seen it? Tough shit) and have songs titles such as You Made Me Gay. Put it this way, they’re not the sort of band you’d take your gran to see; although it would be entertaining.

Le Tigre emerge and are greeted by a crowd consisting largely of wildly dressed, slightly obsessive young girls.

I feared for my eyes when I attempted to get near the front to get a picture. ("C’mon move I’ve gotta photopass",

"Hsssss"). The Le Tigre live experience is an original one to say the least. Use of instruments is minimal. On stage they have one guitar, a synth and a laptop, although they do make up for this with some great dance routines.

Doubters may scream "why aren’t they playing the drums!" but ignore them, for they are the same small minded bigots who can’t tell the difference between an indie kid and an emo boy.

Playing a set consisting largely of tracks from This Island, Le Tigre kick some serious man hating ass. When the final "See you later" resonates from Kathleen Hannah’s lips during Deceptagon, possibly THE finest electro-indie tune EVER, you just want them to come back and keep playing.

I know they probably hate me ‘cos I have a willy; but I love Le Tigre.

Jon Davies

DOVES The Great Hall

Saturday 5th March

My horoscope said something amazing would happen to me this week. Unfortunately, Doves were not it.

Appearing more like a support act for the majority of the evening, the crowd restlessly watched as they made the mistake of dedicating the majority of the gig to new material, leaving classics such as There Goes The Fear and Here it Comes to the encore, whilst neglecting much of their best material including Catch The Sun. Seemingly for most, who spent much of the evening talking about the weather and other far more interesting subjects, the lack of interaction with the audience and similarity of the songs over shadowed the highlights and made the evenings proceedings monotonous, characterless and uneventfully mundane. Jenna Stevens

THE RAVONETTES Barfly

L i v e 35

Thursday March 3

Jim Reid (or possibly his brother) once said "no band’s ever been good enough to play for more than 15 minutes". The Ravonettes, despite their obvious Mary Chain fandom, haven’t heeded this call. They play for an hour and a half, which, when you’re dealing with a band whose songs, at their best, are exercises in short, prosaic, bullshit-free smart-pop, is an age.

That I stayed to the end says a lot, this band are after all really rather good. But this is a band who are good enough to get in and get out. They could leave you hungry and wanting more instead of vaguely annoyed with sore feet. It did, however, allow for the exhibition of the bands forthcoming album in an impressive fashion.

This was a warm up, so maybe they were testing out every song they could conceivably play on the impending tour.

Or maybe, and I sincerely hope not, they were conforming to some nonsense notion of ‘value for money’.

That’s not what rock ‘n’ roll’s all about.

Colm Loughlin

REUBEN/ DIVE DIVE/ CARETAKER Barfly Wednesday April 13

Tonight the crowd at the Barfly were really treated to one of those occasions where all the support bands showed astounding talent and potential, making for a mammoth evening.

Caretaker were hugely impressive with their blend of experimental rock, so rarely is this sort of band seen supporting a band with the contrastive energy of Reuben.

Dive Dive followed, with a beastly performance that matched the standard set by Caretaker: vocalist Jamie Stuart having one of those melodic hardcore voices that just grows on you as the night goes on. Finally it got to Reuben, a band much in the Hundred Reasons vein with a non-stop attitude to tour schedules. Tonight they were back with the usual force, caressing the crowd with their golden oldies such as Crimson and Scared of the Police, before letting rip into their new album Very Fast, Very Dangerous, and new single Blamethrower, which, on tonight’s performance, will no doubt become yet another classic song in their ever growing repertoire.

Will Schmit

MANIC STREET PREACHERS/ THE DELAYS Brangwyn Hall, Swansea Thursday 7th April

In some of the smallest shows they’ve played for years, it felt right to expect something pretty special. However we had to first endure the ‘delights’ of The Delays. Dear me, has there ever been a band more unworthy of the attention that has been lavished upon them?

Sound problems only added to what was already an over-whelmingly dull set.

Playing a set consisting of some of their most underrated material, the Manics managed to prove just how essential they still are.

This was no straightforward greatest hits set - this was something to please even the most obsessive Manics fan. Even tracks from their old and boring phase such as Ocean Spray sounded amazing.

The thing which really pleased the hardcore was the high Holy Bible content. Often left out of live sets due to the painful association with Richey, songs such as Die in the Summertime are some of the most horrific yet oddly beautiful things you’re likely to hear at a gig.

Basically it was a night of nostalgia, yet not in a rehashing past glories way. Tracks from the recent Lifeblood sat quite happily alongside the old unashamedly glam brilliance of first single Motown Junk. They may be in their mid-thirties, and in Wire’s case still carrying off the leopard print, but the Manics can still provide a gig to take you by surprise. Amy Hurst

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Dir: Jonathan Caouette Cast: Jonathan Caouette, Renée Leblanc Rel. April 22, 91 mins

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Quench 25 04 05

film@gairrhydd.co.uk

he recent influx of documentaries has been a potent dose of realism for the cattle market of mainstream cinema. In recent years Capturing the Friedmans and Bus 174 offered audiences the chance to experience a reality born of humanity and not studio excess.

Jonathan Caouette’s gut-wrenching documentary Tarnation takes this realism to a kaleidoscopic extreme.

Raised in Houston, Caouette spent much of his childhood making improvised super-8 slasher movies where he was both star and Director.

Growing up gay, shuttled around numerous foster homes he eventually found salvation in the nihilism of punk rock and high-art.

Fast forward to 2003 and the death of his mother from a Lithium overdose forces Caouette to slowly unravel a family history of rape, drugs, electroshock treatment, and other jollities.

Weaved together from countless home movies, answer phone tapes, film clips, and familial argument, Tarnation is a lo-fi myriad piece charting Caouette’s emotional turmoil.

Decadent, dangerous, and shockingly beautiful, Tarnation is a tragic account of a soul in turmoil, searching for reconciliation and deliverance.

Brimming with acidic realism and bullish bursts of kinetic indulgence the film is a jilted exorcism of personal devastation. Invoking all the usual narcissistic trappings of the me-gener-

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ation confessional, it is, in turn, funny, poignant, arrogant, shameless, and endlessly evocative.

Caouette’s film is a hybrid collection of dazzling portraits and jutting dialogue. Alternating between saturated colour and monochrome print Tarnation mixes frazzled super-8 and desktop visuals with high art pretension and cut and paste aesthetics.

Decadent, dangerous, and shockingly beautiful Caouette’s strength lies in his ability to revitalise rather than to regurgitate his misfortune. Taking the finer elements of Van Sant, Warhol, Linklater, and Polanski, he has crafted a hypnotic avant-garde collage that recalls What’s Eating Gilbert Grape and My Own Private Idaho. Mercifully devoid of regret or romanticism, Caouette is able to transform what might have been a masturbatory ritual into a transcendent document of desperate rapture.

Tarnation is essentially a postmodern reflection on familial and cinematic dissolve. As Caouette’s world breaks apart around him so do the rules by which film making is preordained as a commercial exploit.

Tarnation indicates the possibilities offered by the advancement of the digital age. This is punk cinema taken to a frantic nihilistic conclusion where-

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by art and technology combine in a heady mosaic of stricken hopes and incessant sins.

A blistered document of a shattered life, Tarnation attempts to convey love, hate, and nostalgia with an assured and unflinching brutality.

Made for a reported $218 and edited with the free i-movie software that came with Caouette’s Apple Mac Tarnation is never going to be the complete article some will testify to.

Indeed, Caouette is at times painfully Pop Idol-esque in his desire to indulge, and be swathed, in his polished sub-genre narcissism.

Uneven and arrogant, Tarnation tests itself and the medium it works within. Cynics will deplore it for its self-indulgent pretensions and jazzy visual riffs. The very same critics will denounce Caouette as a parasitic scenester feeding off the remnants of his family tree for his own personal rehabilitation.

In a climate where artistic integrity is too readily sacrificed for profit Caouette’s uncensored honesty is a killer conceit. It would seem that the ferociously beating heart of independent cinema is, still for some, a vital and urgent tool of refuge.

Tarnation is a heart-stricken valentine lament. A poetic statement of tragic intent that never drowns but instead seeks reassurance in the heartfelt pain of existence.

Craig Driver

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F i l m

THE INTERPRETER

Dir: Sydney Pollack Cast: Nicole Kidman, Sean Penn Rel. Out Now, 120 mins

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t takes a veteran like Sydney Pollack to swing his film being the first ever to be shot inside the UN. Add Oscar winners Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman to the mix and you’ve got what should shape up to be an entertaining two hours.

The Interpreter tells the story of a UN interpreter (Kidman) who happens to overhear a plot to assassinate Zuwanie, an African leader, and as a result becomes a target herself. Sean Penn plays the secret service agent assigned to investigate her. As the plot unfolds we realise that she has a tangled history with Zuwanie.

Both actors manage to intermittently steal the scenes from one another and make an effective team.

Their performances are theatrical and throughout there is a feeling that what is on the screen is not quite real. The plot errs on the side of unbelievable from the outset and is filled with questionable narrative decisions such as the Secret Service choosing not to give their informer protection from the beginning.

It’s saved, somewhat, by expert direction. Pollack maintains a good pace throughout with some genuinely tense moments. Despite its nonsensical tendencies it remains an entertaining comment on the political power of the UN with some obligatory sexual tension.

Catherine Gee

Nicole didn’t think much of Sean’s attempt to impress her with a picture of his lengthy schlong.

KILL YOUR IDOLS

Dir:Scott Crary Cast: Lydia Lunch, Michael Gira, the Liars, Yeah Yeah Yeahs Rel: Out Now, 74 mins

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heady survey of New York City's post-punk bands, this documentary is equal parts artisitic endeavour and musical homage. It starts in 1972, pauses in 1982 before stopping in 2002.

The No Wave bands of the early 70s make up the first segment of the film. Gritty black-and-white footage of live performances feature Suicide, Teenage Jesus and The Jerks, and DNA. The music is followed by candid interviews with the artists, filmed in 2002. As they discuss punk influences such as Iggy Pop they explain their desire to forge new artistic ground regardless of form.

Skipping to the '80s, Sonic Youth and the Swans emerge on the scene while the final chapter takes viewers to 2002, where a smattering of youthful bands pose and strut with emptyheaded disdain. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs talk about their overnight fame. And other post-punk acts like Liars, and the delectable gypsy band Gogol

Bordello offer their convulsive rhetoric.

Director/producer/photographer S.A. Crary apparently made this movie for just under $350. What emerges is a stark and interesting account of the current post-punk movement which shows the new brigade to be thin on ideals compared to the urgent polemic of the older generation.

Craig Driver

THE ASSASSINATION OF RICHARD NIXON Dir: Niels Mueller Cast: Sean Penn, Naomi Watts Rel: Out Now, 95 mins

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hether you know your 1970’s history or not, most realise that Nixon died of natural causes. Going in to watch this film it seemed likely that it was not going to be a suspense thriller.

My suspicions proved correct when it transpired that the lead character Sam Bicke, played by Sean Penn, plots to hijack a commercial airliner and crash it into the White House.

The film is deceptively clever as Penn plays the role of a disgruntled salesmen who loathes the fact that a successful salesman has to stretch the truth in order to make profit. Logically Bicke decides that President Nixon is the greatest salesman in the world.

It’s hard not to admire Penn for his flawless performance. His misguided belief that "the man" is keeping him down and his curious affiliation with "the brothers" is strangely moving.

Never offensive but always full of irksome integrity Mueller’s film is an expertly crafted and deftly played piece of cinema.

Matthew Turtle

CURSED

Dir: Wes Craven Cast: Christina Ricci, Joshua Jackson Rel. April 22, 97 mins

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espite its problematic script rewrites and editing overhauls Cursed emerges only slightly the worse for wear, dated celebrity cameos notwithstanding.

Loser siblings Ellie and Jimmy are bitten by a werewolf following a catastrophic car accident and soon find their lives spiralling out of control.

Ordering their steak rare and inspiring raw animal lust in those around them seems cool at first: but with a full moon on the rise, they need to find and destroy the werewolf with whom the curse originated to save themselves.

Familiar faces are everywhere in this movie: from Scott Baio (playing himself) to Justin Timberlake’s old mucker Lance Bass, there’s barely anyone who isn’t someone. In a better movie, this might be distracting: here, it’s just fun.

The werewolf transformation scenes really should have been better. It has been more than twenty years since American Werewolf in London.

The DVDon

Reviews you can’t refuse I HUCKABEES, rel. Out Now David O. Russell’s crazed nihilist morality ride is laden with as many hindrances as it is wonders.

Centering around enviromental activist Albert (Jason Schwartzman) and fire fighter buddy Tommy (Martin Wahlberg) as they fight Huckabees Inc. What follows is cinematic invention wrapped in a quasi-pretentious kaleidoscope of non-sequitir morality.

Absolutely essential unless you like to fill your brain cavity with faeces.

The Don Says: “My lady mocked me for not understanding this existential farce. I shot her in the face before de-limbing her with a spoon.”

FREAKS, rel. Apr 25 Originally commissioned by MGM in an attempt to cash in on the burgeoning horror market of the early 1930’s

With the obligatory generic rock soundtrack, spasmodic MTV style editing, and smug little nods to the genre, Cursed is pretty much exactly what you’d expect from the creators of Scream. Stupid it may be, but it’s still vastly more entertaining than the other horror-by-numbers movies out at the moment.

Sarah Dobbs

THE EDUKATORS

Dir: Hans Weingartner Cast: Daniel Brühl, Julia Jentsch, Stipe Erceg Rel: Out Now, 130 mins

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rearrange furniture and leave notes warning of the evils of materialism. It’s gentle enough until Peter goes away for a weekend and Jan is coerced into taking his collaborator's girlfriend Jule (Jentsch) on a mission whereby they end up with a hostage.

Though the film never delves deeper than a critique of socialism and conservatism, The Edukators manages to combine political discourse with a scorching soundtrack without sacrificing its gentile humour.

n Hans Weingartner's The Edukators, a sharp and funny social satire, Jan (Brühl) and Peter Troy Van Zu (Erceg), the selfstyled Edukators, attempt DIY social revisionism.

Rather than stealing they The Edukators: NME image consultants galore Tod Browning’s tale of circus misfits is a bizarre parade of revenge and human deformity. Freaks remains a curious document of the twisted side of real -life microcephalics, hermaphrodites, dwarves, and siamese twins.

A true one of a kind that intrigues and repels in equal measure.

The Don Says: “My mothers’ cousin was born with a pear where there should have been a penis. His wife ate much more than 5 portions of fruit a day.”

CASSHERN, rel. Apr 25 Based on an anime series from 1973 entitled Cassan: Robot Hunter this debut feature from Kazuako Kiriya is visually astounding. Set in the 21st century after 50 years of war humanity is on the verge of extinction. The only hope for survival lies with a ‘neocell’ treatment. After a failed experiment a race of mutant androids are born and only Casshern can save humanity. Silly yes, but without doubt the most kinetic film of recent years.

The Don Says: “So good it made my eyes bleed sticky red body juice. ” RAMONES: END OF THE CENTURY, rel. Apr. 25 Tracing the history of The Ramones, from their unlikely origins, through to

their star-crossed career, bitter demise and the sad fates of Joey and Dee Dee, End of the Century is a vibrant, candid document of one of the most influential groups in the history of rock and pop.

The Don Says: “Sweet as a heap of fucking Sicilian honey.”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, Rel. April 25

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he world of small town geeks gets the deadpan treatment in this hilarious tale of social inadequacy where beige is cool and llamas rule.

Jon Heder as the titular Napoleon is expertly understated in his quasiautistic demeanour shuffling laboriously from cringeworthy failure to expedient disaster.

More a collection of sight gags and catch-phrase jargon than an instant classic Napoleon Dynamite never fails to raise a laugh.

The Don Says: “I thought of calling my first son Napoleon but then i realised my first born was a girl. I threw her to the monkeys.”

40

F i l m HONG KUNG FU-EY

Jackie Chan put Asian cinema firmly back on the map after the death of Bruce Lee and has risen to become the w o r l d ’s g r e a t e s t a c t i o n h e r o . A l a n W o o l l e y f i g h t s h i s w a y t h r o u g h t h e f i l m s o f A s i a ’s b i g g e s t s u p e r s t a r.

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POLICE STORY - 1985 POLICE STORY grabs the primo position in our chart simply because it contains everything that a Jackie Chan film should: Death defying stunts, slapstick comedy, pure unadulterated action and a plot that could be written on the back of a beer mat. It has also spawned a decent array of sequels, with the latest being First Strike.

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ARMOUR OF GOD - 1986 ARMOUR OF GOD sees Jackie play the Asian Hawk, an adventurer who goes hunting for ancient relics and gets involved with an evil cult hellbent on collecting all the items that make up the Armour of God. This film nearly cost Chan his life as a fall from a tree onto rocks left him with a permanent hole in his skull.

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PROJECT A - 1983 IN PROJECT A Jackie co-stars with chubby buddy Sammo Hung as they go pirate hunting in “old Hong kong”.

Memorable scenes include a fall from a clock tower in tribute to Jackie’s idol Harold Lloyd and an amusing bicycle chase sequence which highlights his penchant for using everyday objects as fighting.

DRUNKEN MASTER - 1978 DRUNKEN MASTER has Chan playing Cantonese folk hero Wong Fei-Hung as a rebellious youth. In dispair his father sends him off to learn the Eight Drunken Gods style of Kung-Fu which he utilises in the final showdown against an assassin. Packed with action, this is a great film that shows Chan’s natural fluid motion and grace as a martial artist.

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RUSH HOUR - 1998 ALTHOUGH SOME may find Chris Tucker an irritation, the blend of American humour and Asian action meant that this was a huge box-office smash in hollywood. Rush Hour 2 continued the shenanigans of detectives Lee and Carter and Rush Hour 3 has been announced.

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GAIR RHYDD TOP 10 FILM SEASON IN ASSOCIATION WITH

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ollowing on from the recent Quench Top 10 Film Poll QUENCH FILM DESK are joining forces with UGC Cinemas Cardiff to bring you the gair rhydd Top 10 Film Season.

Over the next eight weeks, from April 26 to 14 June, we at Film Desk will be showing at UGC CARDIFF six of our favourite cinematic gems alongside two modern classics as voted for by you in our Top 10 Film Poll. This is a chance to see some of the finest comedies, thrillers, and action films of the last thirty years on the big screen.

Alongside the Michel Gondry /Charlie Kaufman classic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind we also have the superbly dark and twisted lo-fi classic Donnie Darko starring Jake Gyllenhaal. Film Desk have also chosen to show Tarantino’s debut blitzkrieg feature Reservoir Dogs as well as Bryan Singer’s multi-layered tale of the criminal underworld The Usual Suspects.

DONNIE DARKO

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPO TLESS MIND Completing the list we have films from Michael Mann, Martin Scorcese (before he went predictably epic), and two absolute comedy classics starring Bill Murray. The full list of cinematic joy is listed below for your pleasure.

Each film will be shown on

26 April - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 3 May - Donnie Darko Director's Cut 10 May - Reservoir Dogs 17 May - The Usual Suspects 24 May -Ghostbusters 31 May - Groundhog Day 7 June - Heat 14 June - Taxi Driver

TUESDAY AT 9PM and the usual student rate of £3.00 will apply with a valid NUS card. Remember to get your tickets quickly from the UGC Box Office before they sell out.

COMPETITION...

As we are always so generous here at Film Desk we have worked on your humble behalf to offer the chance of 5 pairs of free tickets to each and every screening in the gair rhydd Top 10 Film Season.

From now until the end of term we will be running a competition every issue where we will give away 5 pairs of free tickets to the two screenings taking place over the forthcoming two weeks. All you have to do is answer one simple question and the first five correct answers will win themselves a pair of tickets to both films.

The first two films being shown were voted for by you in our recent Top 10 Poll. 26 April: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind starring Jim Carey and Kate Winslet is the latest film from the frazzled pen of Charlie Kaufman. 3 May: Donnie Darko is a crazed and beautiful fable starring Jake Gyllenhaal.

To win a pair of tickets to each film just send an answer to the following question to grfilmdesk@hotmail.com

by Friday 29 April.

Q: In which film did Jim Carey get all hot and bothered over Cameron Diaz?

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NAPOLEON DY N A M I T E COMPETITION...

SWEET! F

rom Preston, Idaho comes NAPOLEON DYNAMITE, a new kind of hero complete with a tight red 'fro, some sweet moon boots, and skills that can't be topped.

Napoleon lives with his Grandma and his 30-year old unemployed brother Kip who spends his days looking for lady love in internet chat rooms. When Grandma hits the road on her quad runner, Napoleon and Kip's eighties obsessed Uncle Rico comes to town to watch over them.

Napoleon is left to his own devices to impress the chicks at school and help his new best friend Pedro win the election for Student Body President; all the while making sure to feed Grandma's pet Llama Tina, and avoiding association with Uncle Rico and the herbal breast enhancers he sells door to door.

Napoleon and Pedro put their skills and knowledge of pirates, cows and drawing to good use in the run up to the election. Can Napoleon help Pedro win the election? Can he woo the ladies? Can he keep his life sweet?

The Directorial debut of Jared Hess starring Jon Heder, Jon Gries, Aaron Ruell, and Efren Ramirez, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE is a lo-fi indie cult classic and we at Film Desk have decided to be ever so kind to you lucky readers.

We have two DVD copies of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE which is released 0n APRIL 25TH to give away. All you have to do to get your grubby paws on the treasure that is NAPOELON DYNAMITE is answer the question below.

Q: The name "Napoleon Dynamite" is a pseudonym used by which social rocker on the 1986 album Blood and Chocolate?

All answers should be sent by email to grfilmdesk@hotmail.com by Friday 29th April. Good luck.

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Arts

arts@gairrhydd.com

Tommy, 12 April New Theatre STARRING JONATHAN Wilkes (aka Robbie Williams’ mate) this musical production sees the story of a deaf, dumb and blind kid whose luck changes when he becomes the ‘pinball wizard’ and makes a miraculous recovery.

Ok, so the story line isn’t exactly scintillating (or credible) but the show is famous for its score, written by The Who. The energetic performance certainly got the audience on their Scholl-clad feet: the average age was, well let’s just say they were the original fans of The Who. The performers had strong voices which carried the songs well but the dancing did little to keep the show alive. The story development was just about existent, making it more of a pop concert than a musical.

Wilkes also seemed confused as to the genre of the show, swaggering himself across the stage with an annoying confidence, introducing the musicians as his own. But he was definitely a hit with the Mums who came out of the show raving.

Natalie Slater

Arts Desk looks back at the highlights of Cardiff’s very own International Musical Theatre Festival Amazing Grace, 7 April The Sherman THE STEREOTYPICAL Welsh loves of music, mining and community life are brought together in The Wales Theatre Company’s production of Amazing Grace.

The story of Evan Roberts and his mission to bring about a religious revival in the Welsh mining town of Loughor is passionate and touching.

Set in 1904, a time when the mining community was fighting against exploitative working conditions, Amazing Grace dramatises a salient period of Welsh history.

The singing is the high point of this musical, which does, at times, let itself down by allowing clichéd musical theatre moments (the dancing showgirls baffled me a little) to interrupt what is otherwise an impressive production.

Kim O’Connor

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Kiss Me Kate, 13 April Wales Millenium Centre ONE OF the most popular stage musicals comes to one of the most impressive theatrical venues and creates a spectacle from beginning to end.

Kiss Me Kate follows the lives of two formerly married actors appearing together in a post-war production of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew. Straight from Broadway and the West End, Cole Porter’s classic songs are accompanied by stunning choreography and inspired performances.

Craig Urbani as Fred/Petruchio stands out from a superb cast for his comedy skills as the couple’s problems spill onto the stage, but no one is overshadowed in this ensemble production.

Written in 1948, Kiss Me Kate has lost none of its charm and this production ensures the spectacle continues and will leave no one disappointed. A breath-taking production of one of the best stage musicals around.

Alexandra Fry

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Moving backwards in time, the musical is a delicious satire of fame...

Merrily We Roll Along, 31 March The Sherman

STARRING STUDENTS from the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama, Merrily We Roll Along is a musical documenting the strained friendship between a song-writer, lyricist and author.

Moving backwards in time, the musical is a delicious satire of fame. Caryl Morgan was superb as fragile Mary Flynn, trampled on by life and her unrequited love for lyricist Franklin Sheppard. Zahra Ahmadi was the perfect diva, adding as much humour as Robert Vernon’s bitingly bitter performance of Franklin Sheppard Inc. These strong performances added sparkle to the overall production, which was memorable for its powerful choreography, staging and excellent orchestra.

Kerry-Lynne Doyle

46 Arts

What’s on?

Dirty Fan Male

It’s big, it’s dirty, it’s the latest hit show on everyone’s lips Dirty Fan Male @ WMC

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Seymou r House o Butts f Fun Fanny St.

Sexy tongue-in-cheek play looking at love and relationships in the 21st century. Tickets are usually a tenner, but if you flash you student card, they’ll let you in for a mere six quid, wahey!

Round the Horne Revisited @ New Theatre, 26-30 April

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pening with a song about a five inch penis, Dirty Fan Male is not your usual production at the Welsh MilleniumCentre.

The concept of the show centres around John Trunk, a guy whose soft porn star sister has set up a business running her fan base. Gathering the letters sent in with requests for dolls, pictures, and slightly more obscene things, Trunk and his mate Duncan Wisbey characterise the letters with hilarious effect.

Wisbey’s impersonating, musical, comic genius is complimented on stage by Trunk’s subdued ordinary man who simply tells the story about how these letters came about. The show has a simple premise, using voices and facial expressions to bring to life the letters, add the musical accompaniment and it’ll have you in stitches.

Ranging from a man whose punctuation is nothing short of obsessive, to a

The Morals of Modern Day Myth @ Sherman Theatrre 29-30 April

This comical radio show from the West End should have you in stitches.

Kirov Ballet @ Wales Millenium Centre, until 30 April “Charmaine, I have just sent 15 quid for your pussy hair...” man who would like a pair of knickers with a melted Wispa smudged in (well, use your imagination) and including a man better known as ‘Spunky Arthur’, the tales are filthy and obscene. It is pure comedy.

At one point in the show (I seem to remember it had to do with a story about a faulty doll), Trunk and Wisbey’s unstoppable laughter, made the audience laugh even harder. The quality of humour originates from the fact that these letters are 100% genuine, with no alterations. Wisbey merely reads them out, albeit in a charismatic voice.

When thought about in context, the show details a rather sad array of individuals who feel the compulsive need to write such things down, but the comedy is just too much to dwell on this: “Charmaine, I have just sent £15 for your pussy hair. But I forgot to send my address”.

The audience at the WMC basked in every moment of this performance, most (including myself,) strangely delighted at the concept of such a perverse form of humour. The lights came up all too quickly but the lines had us laughing for hours.

The show is available as an audio CD and is well worth the money. I’m laughing just writing this!

Natalie Slater

Student offer buy three tickets, get the fourth free, just quote; ‘142 student Kirov’ when booking.

Jack Dee @ St David’s Hall, 7-8 May Comic master and former winner of celebrity Big Bro’ takes to the stage.

Derren Brown @ St David’s Hall, 10th May This psychologist is seriously entertaining and a little bit freaky. He’s usually on TV late at night, why on see him work his magic in the flesh at a decent hour?

Magic of the Dance @ New Theatre, 2-7 May Irish dancing with a storyline featuring ‘Feet of Fire’ - now I don’t know what that is, but it sounds...magical.

Andre Stitt @ Chapter Arts Centre, until 8 May Performance art, go along to find out more.

Night Chronicles @ Chapter Arts Centre, 29 April Strange play examining the significance of dreams across many different cultures.

48 B o o k s

books@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

Sex, drugs and the Odyssey?

Author and Cambridge professor Simon Goldhill tells Kerry-Lynne Doyle just why classics is so cool KLD: Why is classics relevant to modern life?

SG: Because the ancient world provides so many of the models by which we live. You can't understand who you are unless you understand where you come from. It's about self-understanding. And that matters to all of us.

KLD: Do you think comparisons of soap operas to Greek tragedies are valid?

SG: They are – but they tend to reveal that Greek tragedy has powerful poetry, searing insights into the human condition, and the most influential narratives, while soap opera prefers stereo-

DAVID: The ideal male physique?

sex and power that Homer could explore 2, 800 years ago.

PARTHENON: Seminal Greek architecture typical characters, emotional triviality and predictable stories. It says something about modern society's lack of a real public culture.

KLD: In your opinion, have film versions of classical works such as Troy increased people's interest in the classical world? Do you think film adaptations are a good thing?

SG: The ancient world has always fuelled modern art, and film is no different. I prefer films like O Brother Where Art Thou? or Mike Leigh's Naked which show a more sophisticated approach to ancient epic. One trouble with Troy is that it had to dumb down the issues of

KLD: Why has Classical art and architecture continued to influence art over the centuries?

SG: Greek art lets artists do all sorts of sexy things they couldn't in the Christian tradition.

And the image of the Greek body has TROY: Dumbs down become completely the Classical world naturalized for us now – so that a man's body is meant to look like a Greek statue (rather than a Christian saint). Greek art is most influential because it is now inside our heads as the model for how we should look.

KLD: For anyone who has never studied classics, where should they start?

SG: With Love, Sex and Tragedy of course! And there are plenty of books mentioned there to take you forward.

Reading The Odyssey, or the great Greek tragedies, like Antigone, or Oedipius is a great start. Or the great Roman poets like Ovid and Virgil.

KLD: And finally, why should students read Love, Sex and Tragedy: Why Classics Matters?

SG: Because, as Zadie Smith said, "It's great and it's great fun". But most importantly it will change the way you understand yourself and I think understanding who you are is one of the most important things any student should try to do.

Simon Goldhill’s book Love,Sex and Tragedy: Why Classics Matters is available now in all good book retailers.

Book Bag

Books 49

THE POWERPUFF GIRLS: GO, GIRLS, GO! Various writers/artists Titan Books

I

have a confession to make. I’m Blossom.

Well, that was my nickname. You see, I have long ginger hair, like pink and used to wear a red ribbon to school (yes kids, it went that far). So it was a nostalgic delight to pick up this little comic book to review.

KUNG FU HIGH SCHOOL Ryan Gattis

Admittedly the story lines are paper thin, predictable and about as original as dental floss, yet The Powerpuff Girls are a far better role model for young girls than those Bratz dolls with their paedophilic undertones.

Sceptre hey say never judge a book by its cover and in this case that saying is right. You could be fooled into thinking that this book wouldn’t be out of place in a high school library but it would be a very wrong assumption.

It is an extremely disturbing story and tackles some serious issues. The author spends most of his time writing extremely detailed fight scenes, some of which made me feel physically sick. A good analogy would be a car crash; it’s horrible but you can’t turn away that is what this book is like, you want to keep reading the short chapters help this.

It is the kind of book that would work much better as a film because it can be hard to imagine some of the fights he describes.However, this is not to say that the book isn’t a worthwhile read. Gattis is obviously a very accomplished writer; he manages to convincingly get into the mind of a 15-yearold girl at this extreme school.

I have only ever had the kind of physical reaction that this book gave me once before - it was about a World War Two concentration camp. If you are at all faint-hearted don’t read this but if you are an Irvine Welsh fan then this is definitely the book for you.

T

Beth Pritchard

Shell Plant

REAL CARDIFF TWO Peter Finch Seren

CARDIFF CASTLE: One of Cardiff’s main attractions

S

tarting as a chronicle of Peter Finch’s attempt to walk down every street in Cardiff, Real Cardiff quickly turned into a history of the City’s famous buildings and how their usage has changed over time.

Real Cardiff Two expands on this theme, taking the author to the parks of Roath and the new developments in the Bay. Finch records his interaction with various buildings and the people working within them. When met with bemused expressions from Sainbury’s clerks as he explains their building used to be the main Infirmary, the author realises that for a young city Cardiff has undergone a rapid deal of change seemingly undetected.

Finding that most of Cardiff’s buildings only date back as far as the Victorian era, Finch concludes that the city has the potential for growth and a rich heritage and hopes that it will be properly recorded.

In all, Real Cardiff Two is a fascinating read both for locals and those of us who have come here from elsewhere in the world.

Tom Scott

GATTIS: Exposing the darker side of American high schools

This cute little book includes six stories.

Including the defeat of a nasty pelling bee, and the girls’ continuous fights against the infamous Mojo Jojo.

A great present for your five-yearold sister, with some very positive representations for young girls, even if Blossom does wear a ribbon.

50

Books

Romantic Heroine

Shell Plant talks biscuits with novelist Katie Fforde

A

s soon as I meet Katie she smiles openly and instantly makes me feel at ease by offering me a biscuit. When I decline she says: "I’m sorry but I’m really going to have to have one, we got up so early I didn’t get a chance to eat breakfast.”

FFORDE: Publishing phenomenon

PRIVATE Alison Jackson

Penguin

N

ow is a good time to revisit Private. As Charles and Camilla reach the end of their honeymoon, many people will wonder how they passed their time away from the public eye. In this widely acclaimed book, Jackson suggests a couple of answers, and even provides a few photographs.

Of course the pictures don’t depict what really happened or the Royal couple. They are simply approximations of what could have been created with the use of lookalike models: the pair sniffing flowers, even Camilla posing naked as Eve for the Prince.

The newly-weds are not Jackson’s only victims. The likes of Sven, Robbie and Elton have all been mimicked, along with the many others so frequently seen in the public eye. What makes the book so good is that, not only are the models precise doppelgangers of the celebrities, they capture their personas so

Katie is a publishing phenomenon in the women’s literature market and has had ten books published in as many years. At the age of twenty-seven, she first thought she would like to write, but with two small children and a husband often out at sea, she didn’t think she would have the time.

Luckily her mother thought differently and encouraged her by making her a writing kit for Christmas.

“It had a wad of paper, pens, a dictionary and a thesaurus, which she put all in a little box folder thing. After that I sort of felt obliged to start writing.”

Katie struggled for eight years trying to publish a book with Mills and Boon. "I thought they would be easier to write because they are so short, I was completely wrong, it is actually very difficult.

You can either write short fiction, or you can’t, and I can’t.”

After eight years, Katie eventually got published when she became a member of the Romantic Novelists Association.

Through this organisation Katie met a talent scout, who introduced her to her current agent. According to Katie, a good agent is of utmost importance.

“Don’t just go for the highest offer, you

have to go with someone who you are going to enjoy working with, as it’s quite an intimate relationship."

Katie stresses that student writers must read "lots and widely. That way you will find out what you like to read and that will help you to find out what you like to write." She also wisely suggests that potential writers try out as many jobs as possible, as this is where you get your best material.

"Jeanette Wilson’s Oranges are not the Only Fruit, is a very good book for student writers, because she brings much of her experiences in previous jobs, like working in a funeral parlour and driving an ice cream van, into the story."

Katie is currently at work on her eleventh novel, although has some ideas for her twelfth.

“It takes several ideas to make a book", Katie notes, "instead of saying you want to write a book about aeroplanes, you have to have a few strands of ideas."

At this point Katie is quickly whisked away to continue with her busy schedule, but not too quickly to have a down to earth chat about the sunny weather and eat another biscuit.

well; you can just envision a homesick Beckham smothering his paella in ketchup like his faux.

While it is hard to stifle a titter at these photographs, this is not meant to be a comic book. Jackson notes in her introduction that it is meant to raise questions about where the truth ends and lies begin. It clearly does just that: without knowing that the images feature look-alikes it would be almost impossible to detect their fraudulence.

Although the accuracy of the photographs does help to present this important message, it also adds to the fun. It is unsurprisingly easy to forget that you are not actually looking at Bush and Blair exchanging sweet nothings in the sauna, or Sven prancing around in a pair of Union Jack knickers.

By all means, remember that this book exposes how easy it is for the media to deceive the public, but don’t forget to enjoy it. It is very, very entertaining.

Perri Lewis

JACKSON: Surreal but serious work

Great Scot

Books 51

Andrew Mickel tells us why novelist Alasdair Gray is the true voice of Scotland

S

cotland is a nation that has a strong sense of identity but is also plagued with self-doubt at its worth. Alasdair Gray captures the Scottish spirit in a way that other writers simply can’t touch.

The obvious other example is Irvine Welsh but while they both deal with the despair of thoroughly Scottish characters, there’s a marked difference. Welsh is so desperately clawing away at developing something Scottish that he can only get at it by creating gutter victims and cheap shots at the English. Gray never has to, as he’s simply committing his Scotland to paper. Welsh has an agenda - Gray has a vision.

It’s no wonder that his first publication, Lanark, is called the ‘Scottish Book’.

Lanark is a fourbook epic, split across the twin cities of Unthank and Glasgow which examines the lives of Lanark and Duncan Thaw. Both cities are worn-out and industrial. They are massive and imposing visions of hell that provide as much a sense of old Glasgow as Gray does of its people.

LANARK: Not gutter grime

In among the old tenements, dole queues and massive hospitals, the self-contained realm he creates doesn’t have any sense of its own worth. From these hostile origins both leads develop a sense of selfidentity but also feed back into the communities that created who they are. Although Lanark deals with identity, this isn’t self-centred, existential whining; there’s a real need to emphasise the importance of the community, no matter how hopeless they may seem.

In a perverse way, Lanark has a slightly Narnia-like quality about the cities it creates, particularly Unthank and the fantastical things that start to happen there. Like a forgotten city, vast tracts of the population are vanishing, and as both Lanark and his love Rima develop dragonhide—a physical manifestation of their problems in the world—they too are drawn into the vast hospital.

Not that CS Lewis ever hospitalized his creations with a bad case of eczema. Yet the wondrous nature of an otherworldly city, the mysterious and flamboyant characters, and the unfolding landscapes point to a similar range of imagination reminiscent of such childhood books.

Unlike some "epic" fantasy drivel there are serious philosophical themes at work here. The strength of Gray’s creative abilities means that such ideas are firmly anchored in a recognisable reality that makes him incredibly easy to read.

DRY, A MEMOIR Augusten Burroughs

Atlantic ugusten Burroughs, a self-confessed alcoholic, tells the intriguing and intimate tale of his struggle to sustain sobriety.

Shifting between rehab, recovery and relapse you can’t help but become enthralled with his remarkable journey.

Dry is a guided tour of one man’s flings, fantasies and friendships with those that he meets along the way, and you are given the front seat.

A

DRY: The dark world of alcoholism Captivating the reader, Burroughs combines wit and wisdom to speak

Author Profile Although his books have a pervasive darkness about them, it draws you in by never trying to bludgeon the reader with gloom. Duncan shows this well. Over his two books of Lanark we see him develop from being a boy who cannot accept or understand love, to an artist who still cannot relate to it.

The themes are unremittingly dark, but somehow the underlying faith in the human spirit keeps it from drowning in its own self-worth. He may have all the darkness that hallmarks Scottish literature, but there’s hope as well, and that hope always springs from the characters themselves.

Alasdair Gray may be unrelentingly Scottish, but by being so naturally what he is, his books are free to focus on universal themes that somehow still resonate specifically with Glasgow. The constant search for identity, inability to relate to love and trying to locate ourselves in a modern world are themes that we can all relate to. Read Lanark and you too can destroy a little bit of dragonhide. up about stark stories of abuse and alcoholism that he has experienced from the tender years of his misspent adolescence through to his ethereal adulthood.

This dry dark humour, however, is tainted with the harsh reality that this is a true story of someone’s courageous fight against addiction that once gnawed away steadily at his sanity, yet now rapidly rots him, and those around him, to their very core.

Helen Rathbone

52

Digital

digital@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

“Snooker loopy nuts are we!”

Rack, whack and roll Aiming for a 147 with World Championship Snooker 2005

I

t’s that time of the year again.

The Crucible awaits snooker’s top players at this year’s World Championship. Now it’s our turn.

The realm of snooker sims has been forever dogged by poor commentary and what can only be described as pure tedium. However, WCS 2005 has been polished to near perfection, with slick graphics, camera angles, venues and many hidden extras. Not only can you play as Ronnie or Jimmy, and watch their uncanny computer doubles pot balls with the style and skill of their human counterparts, you can actually create yourself. Give your namesake a stacked body, a nice little beard and a chiselled chin. I can assure you it is very satisfying. You also get to edit your ability. Long potting – 10/10, why not? Safety play - 10/10. It would be rude not to. The aim is to complete the tour circuit, qualify for tournaments, and improve your world ranking. It’s easier said than done: one silly shot, and the dream is over.

If multiplayer is your thing, this

game probably won’t be your cup of tea for a number of reasons. Firstly, watching an uncoordinated friend take an agonising amount of time over a break is almost as painful as penetrating a beehive. Secondly, in exhibition matches, commentary is replaced by music. And not just any music. The original BBC snooker theme tune would probably be bearable. But not a jazz version, with seemingly endless guitar solos.

Music and snooker just don’t mix.

The other song sounds like what I can only imagine porn music was like in medieval times. That’s it, two songs. Games last for half an hour or so, and the two tracks repeat themselves. Simply excruciating.

Although being thrashed is demoralising, at least you don’t have to be put through the agony of watching your opponent clear up the table. A new feature allows you to skip their domination and limit the pain. The graphics really do this game proud, never has snooker looked so cool. However, the commentary is shit. There’s no other way

to describe it. I was expertly knocking in a 30-odd break, and finished nicely on the black, where Steve Davis helpfully quips, "I think he may take the yellow on here”. Nugget.

John Virgo pipes up to add, "Yeah, the yellow is a definite option". I couldn’t even see the yellow ball.

Snooker is a very frustrating sport, and seeing the player you’ve made look like you getting absolutely pummelled by Ding Junhui brings a tear to your eye. But, if the snooker gets you down, there are plenty of extra games to keep you busy: pool, billiards, nine-ball and a doubles option. Above all, WCS’s gameplay is ultra-realistic. Hampered cueing will mean less help from the aiming aid, and players hit good form and bad and play accordingly. It really is a ‘cut’ above the rest.

James Woodroof World Championship Snooker is out now on the Playstation 2

Sleeping satellite

Digital

53

Dam, that’s BIG

Alan Woolley defies U.S. Defence Policy and spies on the burger-chomping yanks

E

ver wanted to see the Grand Canyon from the air? Are your plans to take over the earth thwarted by lack of Intelligence?

Now you can get instant, up to date satellite images of the continental United States from Google Maps.

Although satellite images have been commercially available for some time they were bloody expensive, Now a new service from Google lets you search high-resolution images of North America for free. You can take a virtual tour of the U.S. from your own bedroom, visiting such places as New York, San Francisco, Florida Everglades and the Grand Canyon en route.

Coverage at the moment is limited to America. However, over the next few months they are hoping to expand the database to cover the rest of the globe. Also available as a free download from NASA is their World Wind interactive globe, which lets you look at satellite imagery from all over earth utilising information gathered from a number of different sources.

For those budding conspiracy nuts out there you can look for your favourite UFO landing site or count cars at CIA headquarters in Langley.

In fact one site, http://www.shreddies.org/gmaps, has a section dedicated to weird locations such as AREA 51 and nuclear test sites. A point of interest: look at the White House (1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C.) and see if you can spot the subtle alteration of the image by the Top Secret PhotoShop Paintbrush Tool™.

Although the level of detail in some of the images is incredible,

The Pentagon: God knows how they chose the name

allowing you to see individual cars, it does not mean you can scan U.S. neighbourhoods looking for beautiful women sun-bathing topless. It does get you thinking though: if these images are available for the general public, just what can they see using the latest classified high-tech government satellites? http://maps.google.com

54

Going Out

goingout@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

ARKET GOING OUT GOES UPM cheap Of course we all love ts booze, vomit-filled toile ns io at nt and sweaty confro But by the fruit machine. all when you get tired of to n gi that, don’t you be es gaze longingly at plac with a bit more class?

Going Out decided to shave, slap on the Old e Spice, and see how th .. other half live.

STEAM BAR

THE SLUG AND LETTUCE

The Cottage: (non-)smokin’

THE COTTAGE

Kingsway

The Friary

St Mary St.

Usually by-passed by your average student, the Hilton’s Steam Bar is slowly becoming regarded as a legitimate part of the circuit of bars around The Friary, just off Queen St. For a place in which you might expect to find no-one besides suited men and women who are all tan and teeth, the clientele isn’t quite as intimidatingly well-off as all that.

Attracted by its air of chilled-out cool, more discerning students are beginning to give this place a chance. Of course it’s not cheap, but it’s the price you pay for drinking in a place where your shoes don’t stick to the floor.

They’re just about to launch a new food menu, with a lunchtime salad bar for those of you who are a cut above Burger King, and the cocktails are a knockout – seriously, I had one Long Island Iced Tea and was nearly on me arse.

Oh, and for the young, rich and desperate, there’s a speed-dating event on April 25, proving that you don’t have to be skint to repel the opposite sex; just ask Daniel Bedingfield.

One of the bars around The Friary complex that self-consciously distance themselves from the trash and trouble of St Mary’s Street; helped, obviously, by the fact that it isn’t on St Mary’s Street.

It’s spacious, with plenty of seating and a relaxed atmosphere, but somehow is all too often emptier than Gary Barlow’s in-tray. I don’t know whether it’s quiet because it’s a bit sterile, or

Once the exclusive preserve of rugby fans and old farts blowing smoke signals up and down the bar with their pipes and fags, The Cottage has had a makeover thanks to Brains.

It’s the first pub in Cardiff to go nosmoking, which is great for all those non-smokers who are sick of coming home stinking like a llama’s armpit.

This also means it’s now possible to see from one end of the bar to the other, which is more of a treat than it used to be thanks to its recent lick of paint.

While retaining its traditional feel, it’s much brighter, smarter and (whisper it) more contemporary than it used to be. It negotiates admirably between a modern, Yard-esque open kitchen and dining area in the back, and stained glass, old-fashioned wall lamps and dark oak furniture in the bar, although a TV for football and rugby wouldn’t go amiss.

It’s extremely hard to modernise an old pub without losing its traditional essence, but The Cottage has managed to pull it off with élan. Well done lads, I’ll be back.

Who you’ll see - Men with suits and “hockey hair” Who you won’t see - the phrase: “Wow, pound a pint!”

Dave Adams

Who you’ll see - Forlornlooking barstaff Who you won’t see - Any other fucker, half the time

Somehow, it’s all too often emptier than Gary Barlow’s in-tray sterile ‘cos it’s a bit quiet, but either way I’m a little surprised that there aren’t enough Hooray Henrys around town to keep this place doing a roaring trade.

Like I say, it’s a much nicer place to go than most of St Mary’s Street, and good as a starting point for a night in town. But maybe the fact that I’ve so little to say about it speaks volumes.

Dave Adams

Who you’ll see - Well-off rugby fans Who you won’t see - Dot Cotton quaffing a Bacardi Breezer Dave Adams

Going Out

Photos by Luke Pavey

55

NEXT TIME...

START TWITCHING, IT’S...

THE COFFEE EDITION Steam: not a sauna

INNCOGNITO

THE YARD St Mary St.

Built on the sorry remains of winos YMCA The Albert (RIP), The Yard fits right into the niche of the Brewery Quarter’s continental restaurants and new, cosmopolitan bars.

It’s certainly less cheap-and-cheesy than its city centre contemporaries, with its ‘smoother grooves’, and ample room up and downstairs meaning less unwelcome bumping and grinding with others.

Modern décor and a trendy open kitchen dining area add to the air of trendiness. Two generous bars also mean less time waiting and more time tasting the drinks, if your wallet can stretch to more than half a watershandy-top. At weekends, you may have to root around for the smart shoes as well as your cash card, as the bouncers here are a little more power-crazy than usual.

In the daytime, The Yard offers the similar standard of pub food as its rivals, as well as a cheeky beer patio, which is the nearest thing you’ll get to a beer garden amidst the city centre smog.

You’ll see - trendies You won’t see - people itching to hear “Place Your Hands Steve “Methodman” Crofts

Park Place

Inncognito is the student-drinking equivalent of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Not quite in the Cathays heartland to match the drinks offers of other pubs and not far enough into the city centre to risk being poncey, it tends to alienate students who are put off by the prices and alienate ‘proper people’ who are put off by the risk of seeing drunk students.

There’s always drinks offers throughout the week, but if there’s one thing students are clued up on it’s drinks offers, and many of these can be beaten elsewhere. It does have a beer patio out the back, but from it you can see a slightly bigger and more pleasant beer garden at the Pen and Wig. Inncognito is, however, a cut above the sticky floors and meat markets of some places in Cathays. Its décor, its atmosphere and its better class of drunk all combine to make this one of the more obvious choices for a pleasant few drinks, without trekking all the way to town.

You’ll see - People who prefer talking to drinking You won’t see - the chronically skint Steve “Steven” Crofts

33 WINDSOR PLACE have a guess...

Recently opened in the premises that used to be Bar Essential, this new Brains bar is only the second place in Cardiff to go no-smoking, after The Cottage. Its trendy "we’re so cool we don’t even need our name to be a proper name" name immediately gives the impression that this is a cut above so many chain bars and pubs in the city centre.

Its long, narrow design helps to make it feel like three bars in one with a bright conservatory and dining area at the back, a row of booths opposite the bar for a bit of privacy, and at the front comfy chairs and a real loungey atmosphere. With an open fire, books and antiques on the shelves, you feel as though you’re in someone’s front room, or Phileas Fogg in the drawing room of the Reform Club, minus the top hat and cravat.

I’m not sure how much of a roaring trade this place’ll do, what with being slightly tucked away on the leafy, solicitor-centric Windsor Place. But then again, places as nice as this don’t go out of their way to entice large groups of piss-head students anyway.

You’ll see - Broadsheet readers You won’t see Snakebite-addled IMG teams Dave Adams

C u l t C l a s s i c s

classics@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

57

Virginity, suicide, acid trips, killing people with guns? It’s a bit serious this fortnight, in a sense. There will be comedy next issue.

THE VIRGIN SUICIDES

GOLDENEYE 64

THE LAST TIME I DID ACID...

Dir: Sophia Coppola (1999)

Publisher: Rare (1997)

Jeffrey Lewis

The Virgin Suicides is a subtle and provocatively honest insight into adolescence. It is the story of five beautiful sisters, told from the perspectives of the now-grown up group of boys who adored them. Stunningly filmed by Coppola in her directorial debut, it is filled with the same dreamy and meaningful atmosphere as the later Lost in Translation.

The sisters’ perfect looking house on the suburbs hides a darkness which is revealed as the film opens with 13-year-old Cecilia recovering from a suicide attempt. As the family try to keep up appearances to their curtain-twitching neighbours, any chance of salvaging their happy façade is shattered when Cecilia kills herself during a party; she literally shatters the surburban American dream by impaling herself on their white picket fence.

As the family struggle to come to terms with their grief, it soon becomes clear that Cecilia’s problems rooted from something deeper in the family. The remaining Lisbon sisters remain adored and beautiful, but their mother’s obsessive protection of them leaves them stifled and frustrated. One of the most moving moments of the film is when Mrs Lisbon burns Lux’s (Kirsten Dunst) records for breaking her curfew.

Overall, the film beautifully captures the confusion of adolescence, the feeling of falling in love for the first time and the tragedy of being stifled. If you loved Lost in Translation this is a must see.

The other day I was clearing out my cupboard and stumbled across my old N64 and fresh in the console was my old copy of Goldeneye 64. Just thinking about this game gives this overpowering sense of nostalgia, as my friends and I spent/wasted many of our teenage years on this game. I think what makes this game good is simply that it is timeless, as even now I become a little over-excited when I play (yes I still allow myself the occasional game, just ‘for old times’ sake’).

Every N64-owning teen will have come across this game at some stage, and will probably recall the numerous times playing on Stack and bombing the hell out of that younger

Starring: James Woods, Kirsten Dunst

Kerry-Lynne Doyle

brother or sister with proximity mines.

If you were ever feeling extra angry, you could always arm yourself with an RCP-90 and go wild. The power trips amongst friends verged on sad and shameful.

Another thing that sticks in my mind about this game are those friends of mine who would study the levels and work out where an opponent would regenerate once they had died and wait there ready to make a lead sandwich out of your body. I just can’t think of there ever being another game which made something so sad, like staying in and playing on a computer all day, make a kid feel so cool.

Will Schmit

Rough Trade (2001)

If you’re anything like me, a stereotypical student, surviving on a strict diet of Lidl produce (I, ashamedly, can’t even afford the delights of Tesco Value anymore), you too will be horrifically sick from two semesters of alcohol-induced stupidity. Luckily, I have the perfect hangover and comedown cure, it arrives in the form of Jeffrey Lewis.

The Last Time I Did Acid I Went Insane is the most perfect collection of fucked up lullabies you’ll ever lay your ears on. Not for the kiddies, due to his intense perspective on New York living, and indulgent drug-taking stories, this little gem went unnoticed at its 2001 release on the increasingly superb Rough Trade records. The Chelsea Hotel Oral Sex Song’s fantastic uplifting message of never feeling blue, as there’s always the possibility that some obscure stranger is penning a song about you, gives hope to even the coldest, most cynical heart.

With direct reference to Leonard Cohen’s Chelsea Hotel, and an unashamedly open love affair with all things Pink Floyd, Lewis is not afraid to divulge exactly what’s going on in his genial mind. With such exquisite nuggets of wisdom as “the second rule of LSD, the rooftop’s never a good place to be,” students everywhere should take heed of this masterpiece. “I’ve just discovered the meaning of life.”

Laura Davies

58

F o o d

food@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

y ’s m .. . m du e to e id h T gu You may not believe it, but there is more to life

Making cocktails

than cheap lager. Tanya Partridge shows you how to turn your drunken house parties into a classy affair

I

t is an undeniable fact that no semester is complete without at least one house party. While many of us are perfectly happy spending these nights downing any foul-tasting concoction handed our way (usually dubiously named “punch”), the more discerning student may have begun to search for more pleasant ways to descend into that drunken haze.

Enter the cocktail. Certain television programmes want us believe that cocktails are solely for the benefit of irritating women with more shoes than sense, and that they can only be served in posh establishments by extremely attractive bartenders. While certain aspects of such an idea are undeniably appealing, the fact that cocktails are only for the rich and famous is purely a myth. With a few basic tips, you too can host your own fabulous student-style cocktail party.

Spirits and liqueurs Don’t be daunted by the expense or the enormous range on offer – it is not necessary to own the equivalent of a fully stocked bar. A few basic ingredients, accompanied by a range of mixers, will allow you to make cocktails to suit most people’s tastes. If you are unsure what to buy, the helpful people at www.cocktailuk.co.uk have listed some of themost used spirits and liqueurs: Spirits: Vodka, white rum , Tequila, gin, whisky, bra ndy, Amaretto, bourbon.

Liqueurs: Baileys, Kahu la, Triple Sec, Blue Curac ao, peach schnapps, Martini, Mid ori melon, Malibu, Cointrea u.

Mixers Fruit - if you own a blender, you can use fresh fruit in your drinks. For a much easier option however, cartons of juice can be used in a wide range of drinks, and there are all sorts available in supermarkets.

Freshly squeezed lemon and lime juices are always useful and, if you want to be ultra-fancy, sliced fruit can be used to garnish the drinks.

Soft drinks - such as coke and lemonade.

Milk or cream - often used along with liqueurs such as Baileys. If you are lucky enough to be able to stomach the combination of cream and alcohol, milky cocktails are the perfect comfort drink.

Crushed ice – if you don’t own a blender, simply put the ice in a plastic bag and crush it with suitable hitting apparatus (i.e. a rolling pin).

Professional bartenders use a certain amount of specialist equipment when making their drinks, but unless you are looking to seriously impress there is no need to spend a fortune. It is possible to make perfectly good cocktails with just a few basics, many of which can easily be replaced by cheaper alternatives if overdraft limits are looming.

and good to have around if you plan on garnishing your drinks with olives or bits of fruit and would rather noone choked.

Shaker – these are fairly easy to get hold of and will make you look all professional. Alternatively, any suitable container (i.e. one with a lid) will probably do.

Shot measures – or use a measuring jug. A single shot is usually 25ml.

Swizzle sticks – I have a particularly impressive collection swiped from various bars around Cardiff.

Obviously Quench does not encourage such appalling behaviour, so use a straw or the handle of a spoon instead.

You will also need to have a corkscrew, bottle opener, a knife and a chopping board handy.

Equipment Bar spoon – yes, that’s one of those weird spoons with the long, twisty handles. It is, however, possible to use a normal spoon for both stirring and layering drinks, so this is not essential.

Blender – again, this is not vital, but it makes ice-crushing a whole lot easier and is also useful if you want to add fresh fruit to a cocktail.

Cocktail sticks – cheap (hooray!)

A bartender’s best friend

y ’s m ... m du e to e id h T gu

Food

59

Blue Lagoon

3 parts vodka 1 part blue curaçao Lemonade or pineapple juice Serve in a long glass with a dash of blue curaçao poured over the top.

Cosmopolitan

1 1/2 parts vodka 1 part Cointreau 1 part cranberry juice Dash of lime juice Go on, it won’t break the bank Making the cocktails It should have become pretty obvious by this point that it is not necessary to be a highly-trained bartender in order to make a pretty decent cocktail. Many drinks simply involve putting all of the ingredients into a glass, stirring them together, or using a blender. However, if you want to be really clever there are a couple of methods which are worth a try.

Shaking – put all of your ingredients into the shaker, along with some ice.

Shake well, then strain into the glass (the ice should stay in the

shaker). Not only does this allow you to show off, it also chills the drink nicely!

Layering – This only works with certain combinations where the spirits or liqueurs used have different consistencies. If you don’t have a bar spoon, hold a teaspoon so it is touching the surface of the drink and slowly pour the liquid over the back of it.

Recipes It’s one thing stocking up on ingredients and posh equipment, but if the only cocktail you can make is Sex On The Beach you will be impressing no-one, and making them will quickly become pretty tedious.

Fear not – there are loads of books available on the subject, and if you are on a budget it is possible to find hundreds of free recipes on websites such as www.cocktailuk.co.uk, www.in-thespirit.co.uk and www.fluidfoundation.com. Some sites even allow you to search by ingredient, so even the most broke of students can find recipes suited to whatever drinks are lurking in the back of their cupboard. In the meantime, here are a few favourites to get you started.

Enjoy!

Shake the ingredients over ice and serve in a cocktail glass.

Long Island Iced Tea 1 part vodka 1/2 part gin 1/2 part white rum 1/2 part tequila 1/2 part triple sec Coke Dash of lemon juice Slice of lemon

Put all of the ingredients in a long glass and stir together.

Mudslide

1 part vodka 1 part Kahlua 1 part Baileys Cream Crushed ice Mix ingredients in a shaker with the crushed ice, then strain and serve.

Key West Cooler

1 part peach schnapps 1/2 part vodka 1/2 part Midori 1/2 part Malibu Orange juice Cranberry juice A girl’s best friend

Mix all ingredients together and serve poured over ice.

Oh so cosmopolitan

Te l e v i z z l e

By Will Dean Television Editor

‘Doc Knock’

K

nock knock. ‘Who’s there?’

Doctor. ‘Doctor Who?’ You just said it.

The last few weeks have seen the return of the BBC’s most famous alien (apart from Kilroy), Doctor Who. Flanked by former teen-star (and nemesis of 5ive fans everywhere) Billie Piper, Christopher Ecclestone’s ninth timelord proved a hit when episode one of the Cardiff-filmed series whooped ITV’s Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway in the allimportant Saturday tea-time ratings.

Series creator Russell T. Davies’ (writer of Queer as Folk and The Second Coming) use of the Salford thesp’ to play the traditionally Etonian-sounding Doctor seems to have been a shrewd manouvre, although Ecclestone has already ruled out returning for a second series – bet new BBC1 controller Peter Fincher loved that.

As much as I enjoyed the new series of Doctor Who, I have one major problem. I’m sure all of you who walked past a dalek on your way to an optometry lecture noticed that the series was filmed in and around our lovely city and university, so it makes it pretty hard to believe that the Doctor and Rose (Piper) have just saved London when they are stood next to a big sign that says ‘Queen’s Arcade’. Ah well, it beats mini Ant and Dec interviewing Tony Blair.

‘Gash In The Attic’

I

n order to preserve the outdated stereotype of students as daytime TV watching, two-day-old pizza-eating slobs, the first thing I did when I returned home over Easter was to stay in bed and watch daytime TV and eat stale pizza – naturally.

tv@gairrhydd.com

Tu n n e l V ision Cash In The Attic is BBC1’s attempt to cash in (geddit!) on the current vogue for dull programmes about antiques. If you haven’t been watching (which, let’s face it, you probably haven’t) the idea of the show is to get the crap that is littering your shelves (‘chintz’ - if you will) and then flog them at an auction.

It’s hard to believe we are in London when Doctor Who is stood outside Queen’s Arcade One episode featured Lisa, an old Cypriot who lived in the house above her daughter’s flat. Clearly the poor old hag loved her antiques more than she did her close family. But, it seems her daughter and son-in-law had convinced her to flog all her old vases in order to fund them swapping their small flat for her nice big house – how kind.

Somehow this was framed so that the programmes makers

Quench 25 04 05

61

were doing her a great favour by giving her money to fund a new bathroom and garden. But, surely if they had paid for the house rather than, in effect, stealing it, she would have made more than enough to plant a few Mediterranean fruit trees.

When it came to actually choosing from the thousands of antiques that littered the hallways of Lisa’s house, presenter Alistair Appleton (think Ben Fogle on valium) and a no-mark antique expert (usually called Roly or Monty) proceeded to choose the valuables that had THE most sentimental meaning to poor Lisa – the daughter even gave away the jewellery her mother had given her for her bloody wedding. Lisa obviously didn’t want to sell the things she had spent most of her life collecting, but if it meant a nice new garden for her grandson to play in then so be it.

Another daytime favourite of mine is Staying Put, a property show with Ann Ryder-Richardson (natch) and Adrian Simpson. This mish-mash of a series involves finding a family who don’t know whether to move or to ‘stay put’. So, Anna, for it is she, does a room up and suggests improvements to make their current abode more beautiful, while Simpson goes around the local area looking for houses in the family’s price range.

Staying Put smacks of BBC mandarins sat around a table and trying to figure out the best way to weld as many (dull) formats together as possible, (ChangingRoomsmeetsIWantThatHou semeetsColinandJustin etc. ad. infinitum), proving that home makeover shows AND property shows have done nothing except run their course.

Rather than a fresh new show we have the televisual equivalent of one of those cars you used to see on Watchdog, which was the front half of a BMW welded to the back end of a banjo.

Ah well, they could always remake a once popular sci-fi show for nerds.

Oh.

ECCLESTONE AND PIPER: If he can’t protect you, his ears will

62 B l i n d D a t e

blinddate@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

Just good friends The date @ Andrew Sherwood

22-year-old Masters student looking to meet a quirky girl with a good sense of humour to broaden his horizons, Lucy Liu will do.

1. What was your first impression of Laura?

Fairly attractive.

2. Did sparks fly?

Not especially, there were no sparks flying.

3. Did you have a lot to talk about or were you constantly looking at your watch?

Once it got going it was good, she was a very interesting person.

4. Did you go out after the date?

We went to a couple of pubs and a bar.

5. Will you see each other again?

Probably not.

6. Did you enjoy your date and was it what you had hoped for?

Yes, it was great. We had good food and wine and i managed to blag a pudding.

7. Sum up your date in three words.

Interesting, pleasant & stimulating

Rate your date out of 5

Laura Regan

19- year-old first year Business Administration student would like to meet a strong understanding man with an open mind.

1. What was your first impression of Andrew?

He was quite quiet but he seemed like a nice guy.

2. Did sparks fly?

I thought he was quite attractive.

3. Did you have a lot to talk about or were you constantly looking at your watch?

The date went really well, we had lots of things to talk about, we didn’t struggle to find conversation.

4. Did you swap numbers?

No. 5. Will you see each other again?

I would meet up for a coffee some time, but I don’t see any chance of a relationship.

6. Did you enjoy your date and was it what you had hoped for?

Yes, it was all really cool, the venue was really nice.

7. Describe your date in three words.

Good fun conversation.

Rate your date out of 5

Free food and booze plus the chance to meet your love match; what more could you ask for? Interested? Then contact me at blinddate@gairrhydd.com or text me on 07746503742. What’s the worst that could happen?

S exual H ealth A w areness G roup.

The ShAg office is open week week days days between between 12 - 1 for confidenconfidential advice and suppor t.

New New member s alwa always welcome. welcome.

Don’t be a loner, cover your boner!

I s v t

f h a h

y o u w a l k t h r o u g h t h e a d o w o f t h e l l e y o f d e a t h , y o u w i l l e . . .

Vinyl

f i n d

Quench 07 02 05

Resting

with Bastian Springs

63

Place

Y

o! Bum rush the show. Rap’s a funny old game, isn’t it? Mainly because nobody seems to be any good at it. Phil Collins inspires Pope-esque spiritual devotion from the gangster rap community, and as you can see below, overweight burger-flipping religious prats in clown make-up are allowed, even encouraged, to make million selling concept albums about deadly smog and such wank.

It hurts me. I expect it hurts you too. I can write a sodding rap tune. All you need to do is get your dust-snuffing nerd friend to pick up some crass Geoff Love Plays the Pops fairground organ covers album to sample, and you’re sorted. And people kill each other over it. Even, to draw a familiar the Insane Clown Posse got harassed by Eminem after hearing their “hilarious” diss-tune

By Bastian Springs source, “Slim Anus”. His response: calling Violent J, “Violent Gay”. Bring the noise:

In the Hood

Record #7 - Insane Clown Posse - Skitsofrantic Crime: There’s nothing funny about rape, unless you’re raping a clown.

F

or anyone who’s never encountered the Insane Clown Posse before, firstly WELL DONE! Want to swap memories?

For those of you who have will sympathise with me here.

When I was 16 and just started sixth-form, a boy I’d met in the common room invited me round his house at lunchtime, and insisted on playing this three-point-five minute atrocity TWICE and forgive my melodrama here, but I’m sure I’ve never been the same since.

The ICP are two “juggalos” (arf) called, contain yourself here, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, and Skitsofrantic, a piddle-ridden poofy prick-rap is without any argument, the worst piece of music ever recorded. Basically a series of sub-Brian Molko rhyming couplets (“sitting in my room, everything’s dark/I think I heard somebody fart) onto the sound of molested poultry vomiting about how paranoid Violent J thinks people are going to kill him in his bed,

although this feeble description isn’t the half of it.

This IS the sort of trash you and your scummy friends you don’t talk to anymore made when you had a “band” at primary school. No - worse.

I’ve heard doper beats created by musically ignorant Comet staff demonstrating Casio demoes, and even Brett Anderson from Suede wouldn’t rhyme “cookin’ up chicken” with “chllin’ in my kitchen”. No drug, mental deficiency, joke or hapless pity excuses this.

Insane Clown Posse: Crusty

Record #8 - Ja Rule featuring Ashanti - Always on Time Crime: Straight Outta Trumpton

H

Ja Rule: Fule

e’s not always there when you call, but he’s always on time.

Or, if you turned on the radio, walked past a knackered BMW with an open passenger window, strolled within a five mile radius of a newsagent or discount clothes store at any point in the year 2002, all the fucking time.

Here it is, the Vinyl Resting Place acknowledgement and tribute to the reason neither God nor the Devil have seen fit to visit our lowley plant: The overplayed record.

When you truly love a band, and then their substan-

dard straight-to-advertisement single becomes fodder for pregnant teenage shoplifters, it’s a calamity.

But when the song is so unspeakably derivative as this masterstroke of lame chart-concious arse-end RnB which nudged both the slavedriving J man AND perennial collaboration floozy Ashanti up a popularity, that’s a calamity up there with Hindenburg.

The premise is that Ja thinks it’s alright to play “Pin the dick on the donkey” all night and all day, providing he shows his face once in a while when his lady’s expecting him. Good show. Although

rather ironically, by the generally slack-jawed and downright lazy delivery which dribbles right from the first ten seconds he’s obviously never on time with writing, recording or putting any sort of oomph into anything except his next punctual fisting round at Darlene’s trailer.

Ashanti, bless her, puts the best part of the rotting black-skinned rancid raisinsized glob she calls her soul into the chorus, and in doing so, earns responsibility for the dense airplay diarrhoea.

Which, amongst a rogues gallery of audio and visual crimes, is the greatest sin of all.

Who’s up next week? That Knobbing Frog? The Bodyrockers? Moby? Kasabian? Until then, rest in peace xxx Challenge Bastian to a ‘who knows more about shit music duel’... bastian@gairrhydd.com