Quench - Issue 25

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T RAVEL M USIC F OOD - G OING O UT

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Mr. Chuffy Investigates...

Animal Cruelty

Gorillaz and Belle & Sebastian head a six album review face-off A c e i n v e s t i g a t i v e r e p o r t e r M r. C h u f f y d o n s h i s p a c k - a - m a c a n d b r i n g s u s t h e A w f u l Tr u t h b e h i n d a n i m a l t e s t i n g Ar ts: Brown love F ilm: In a galaxy far...

Inter views: Dreamworks

Contents Quench

Cardiff University

04 06 07 08 14 16 20 24 32 34 36 39 46 49 53 55

Best Student Publication 2005

quench@gairrhydd.com

Best Student Magazine Runner Up 2004

OTP: Guest editors in ‘hate lives’ shocker Debate: Anti-fungal or pro-fungal?

Mr Chuffy: Rat kebab in PETA bread, please Interviews: After they were famous Features: She took me to a supermarket...

Travel: Hungary Hungary hippos Fashion: Jackie O’s [not the cereal, stoopid] Music: Armenian geniuses, and monkeys Arts: Dee, Derren and Dance Digital: Get on their love machines Books: Lee Child on why Bush blows Film: Into the garbage chute, flyboy Food: Welsh cooking. Mae’n flasus iawn.

Going Out: Lazing on a summer afternoon Sport: Razing (or raising?) Ninian Park Bastian Springs: Sort-of erotic asphyixiation

Executive editor Gary Andrews Quench editor James Anthony

Monkey editor Will Dean Assisitant to editor Elaine Morgan Arts Debbie Green, Natalie Slater Books Kerry-Lynne Doyle, James Skinner Columnists Bastian Springs, Thom Airs Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Bethany Whiteside Digital Simeon RosserTrokas Fashion Perri Lewis Features Emma Langley, Hannah Perry Film Craig Driver, Alan Woolley, Catherine Gee Food Mari Ropstad, Sian Hughes Gay James Emtage Going Out Dave Adams Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare, Jon Davies, Greg Cochrane One Trick Pony John Widdop, Manners Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson Travel Sarah Cummins, Laura Tovey TV Will Dean Contributors Matt Hill, Shell Plant, Gemma Scott, Marc Jones, Will Schmit, Beth Pritchard, Cindy Chen, Robert Sharples, Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker, Tom Brookes, Ryan Owen, Colm Loughlin, Nik Thakker, Ellen Waddell, David Sutheran, Sylvie Winn, Samuel Strang, Ben Lepley, Jadine Wringe, Rebecca Child, Davis Ford, Dan Worth, Photographers and illustrators John Briggs, Gemma Green, Charlotte Harries, Proof readers Matt Hill, Kim O’Connor, Andrew Mickel, Sarah Dobbs, Gemma Green, Elgan Iorworth Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: Hoodies!

Hoody Hoody Yum Yum! (bet that’s lost on you, young whippersnappers).

Quench 23 05 05

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QED POOTERISM: an informal noun, describing the characteristic of being unaware of one’s own selfindulgence and ridiculousness.

Derived from the literary classic The Diary of a Nobody.

This is a criticism oft-levelled at weblogs, which usually comprise of vacuous nonsense written by navelgazers blithely ignorant of their narcissism.

Blogging came to the media’s attention through Salam Pax and his Dear Raed blog, where he would candidly describe life in Iraq - running away from mortar shells, and bizarrely, watching a “real life Ayatollah” eat a banana.

The Guardian’s Mark Lawson slammed blogging recently. In an incisive, if jaded, criticism blogging was berated for not living up to its ‘promise’ – that of uncut and unspun commentary.

Instead of revelatory noble truth, Lawson found fatuous cultural annotation, or as he put it: “media commentary on media commentary.” This self-reflexive overkill results in comments like “Rory Bremner is in his MH drag at Rushden. He makes me laugh but the real Michael Howard’s the man for me”, as found in the blog of the Tory leader’s wife, or worse still, from the Huffington Post blog: “So WMDs aren’t the only thing we thought we’d nailed down but which subsequently went missing.

Add to that list the female orgasm.”

The latter is a collection of writing from fabulously wealthy upperclass Yank liberals, established by Ariana Huffington, an American rich enough to have earned the title of “socialite.” The surname immediately invokes images of a firearm, fish and a barrel.

Lawson’s comments were tainted by his professional imperatives – a professional journalist judging amateur writing by industry yardsticks, but if comparing the female orgasm to WMDs is the standard of discourse in high-profile blogs, he may have a point. This is no better than 14 year-olds confiding to their diaries how earth-shatteringly dreamy that boy/girl at school is. This may (or may not) be a good time to mention: http://gairrhydd.blogspot.com

04 O n e T r i c k P o n y

Quench 23 05 05

(Overrated) ( Black Coffee ) Try as I might, I’ve yet to have a cup of the black stuff that actually tastes like something worthy of drinking. To be honest, I’m pretty sure gravel and water tastes about the same as strong black coffee - it sure as hell has the same texture. I’m not suggesting we all become pansies and roll around in flowerbeds drinking tea with three sugars and half a pint of milk. No, I’m merely suggesting that you shouldn’t be forced to drink the dark stuff just to look tough amongst your jittery caffeine loving friends. Fuck, you could break the mould and have a hot chocolate. Actually, don’t, that’s reserved for those people who sit in the corner on their own and read the Guardian. Just add milk damn it! And a little sugar! Vive le Revolution.

While you may think that high-powered super job you’re aspiring to achieve once you’ve completed your degree is going to be the dogs bollocks, responsibility, which is clearly going to be part and parcel of that super-dooper job, sucks balls. Big fat hairy balls to be precise. I know that in order to get loadsa cash to live the high life you’ve got to have the great job and the shite that goes with it but, in all honesty can you really be arsed? In fact, who in their right mind would be arsed? You may have all the money in the world, but if your nails are so short because you unwittingly bite them in the night worrying about tomorrow’s ‘big deal’, then where’s the fun in life? Now I’m not advocating the life of a stoner, but if we all calm down a bit, and stop doing those worry jobs, then life will taste that much sweeter. Trust me. It’ll be like a Smint.

( Responsibility )

(Underrated) Please, is there anyone out there interested in ( Student Life ) swapping lives with me? Now I’ve left the student life behind, all I can think about are lazy days, lying in the sunshine under the careful watch of the Arts and Social Science library, endless baguettes at Kappuchino’s, copious nights out without having to worry about an early start in the morning and weeks with only six hours of lectures. What I would give to return to those Golden Days. No seriously, I’m offering some good stuff to return to that. In a few years time you’ll all be yearning for more shenanigans on Woodville Road at 3am, flings with freshers on a Saturday night and aimless days spent wandering through town. You don’t want the responsibility (see above) of a job in the real world. Trust me on this one.

It might be very 1980s/90s to wander around in civilised society with grotesque pink hair, but in a strange kind of way, it’s rather cool. I have to say that though since I was that twat with the ridiculous pink hair at the Media Awards. Fashion statements (or lapses in concentration) are rife. Those adorable little indie kids with their pinstripe suit jackets, fringes covering their faces and an ‘bulldog sucking on a wasp’ expression, but they lack that little something. I’m not entirely sure what happened to originality, but when it does come along (and by that I’m in no way saying that pink hair is original, but just go with it) we should appreciate it from a distance instead of grabbing it by the horns, so to speak. Leave originality to where it is - some far distant idea we wish we all had. ( Pink Hair )

( L e g e n d )

W

hy it’s taken me 22 years to discover the short stories of Raymond Carver is an unnatural phenomenon I don’t even want to explain, or even find excuses for.

For someone I regularly ignored thinking he was the guy who penned Fungus the Bogeyman and The Snowman, Carver has done what no author has done for a very long time: inspired me not to write. Every idea I’ve ever thought, every emotion I’ve ever wanted to convey and every sight, sound and person I’ve ever wanted to characterise and animate and just not been able to do properly are all there. The seductive concoction of love, loneliness and human alienation and dysfunction are also

One Trick Pony

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present and disorientatingly incorrect.

Carver’s prose are born of both frustration and quaint observation of the small-town lifestyles of the common person. He can write a mean description of a chair and all.

Carver is to fiction what Edward Hopper is to art, Alexander Payne is to screenplay and Bruce Springsteen is to music, that is to say, perfect, and you really need someone in each walk of the media to point out life’s errors and fuck-ups that marr our everyday existence. The collected works Where I’m Calling From and Call if You Need Me are essential reading, if you’re after a more approachable Bukowski or less namby-pamby Steinback, then may I suggest go check him out right now.

Raymond Carver

Carver: Mean Descriptions

( T o s s e r )

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hen I was 15 with no interests in the world except music, wallowing in my own self pity and trying not to get beaten up at school doing so, I couldn’t think of what to have for a birthday present bar a set of razorblades and a Leonard Cohen album, so I asked my mother for a years worth of copies of the NME. Obviously, my mum trying to send me to an early grave, gave me the Cohen album anyway, but the point of this tale is that back in the years from 1999 to 2001, the NME was essential Wednesday lunch hour (and last lesson physics with Mr Sharma) reading, and seeing a weekly publication sticking their neck out and including no-name post-rock and radical electronic extemists on the cover

without even pictures to back them up was a revelation. The magazine was failing miserably, and their comeback was just to carry on promoting music they loved and hoped you liked too. When Conor McNicolas took the reins in 2002, out went the bands you’d never heard of but sounded very very interesting, and in came “top ten reasons why The Hives rock” and “the anatomy of why Craig Nicholls from The Vines is a rock god” and more two-facedness than a Voldemort drag act: for instance, Razorlight were once sneered at for being no-name Strokes wannabes, but in Conor’s day, a surge in popularity elsewhere means a swift bout of amnesia and sudden God-like status.

For removing originality, and pandering wetness, you sir, are a tosser.

Conor McNicholas "Wiggle wiggle wiggle like satin and silk Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a pail of milk Wiggle wiggle wiggle all rattle and shake Wiggle like a big fat snake !"

– Not Bob Dylan’s finest moment

final thoughts (...)

McNicholas: Con’ Artist

"Now don't you call James Bond or Secret Agent Man Cause they can't do it, like I can" – Bruce Springsteen, ditto

Mr Chuffy

newsmesilly@gr.co.ck

Quench 23 05 05

07

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

Why did the lab rat cross the road? To be given AIDS, have an ear glued to its back and then killed pencils for their big clumsy giraffe Bashful and many more of the great feet. Dr Spasticus Dray, a squirrel lecunwashed believe that animals posturer and amateur rodent rapper, is in sess an equivalent right to life as humans, with deaths morally compara- support of more animal testing, advocating for greater representation of ble to murder. Such accusadiverse species in higher education. tions have already begun “It is my idea of Arcadia”, Dr Dray to permeate throughout the tells Quench, “that one day I may European Union. In June the enter a student bar and hear Court of Human Rights in Le rodents and humans alike Hague will begin hearing eviluridly discussing Jessica dence in the mass turkey Rabbit”. genocide case. If convicted, Huntington Life Bernard Matthews could face a Kournikova Sciences is consistentcustodial sentence of up to 8000 ly at the centre of this contentious years. testing malarkey. Deep within the conExtremists undertaking acts of Animal Rights Terrorism is on the rise. troversial Animal Anthropology department, researchers are currently Only last year protesters hijacked a giant laboratory rabbit and flew it into attempting to recreate the Orwellian allegory Animal Farm with living anithe Houses of Parliament. The overmals.

Outside the building militant animal rights group S.H.A.F.T. (Stop Huntington Animal Farm Testing) hold a constant protest concerned that scientists are attempting to produce a Tree hugger website sequel to the hit adult movie of the same name. Quench travelled to the complex and on arrival witnessed protesters dressing a captured scientist sized mammal fortunately missed as a lab rat and beating him with a and, in what has now become giant syringe. entrenched within Westminster tradiUsing a beard, Quench gained unrition, was subsequently burnt alive, valled access to the sociological with its bright eyes quite literally burnexperiment. As we neared the laboraing like fire. tory cries of ‘four legs good, two legs In 1999 the Animal Liberation Front bad’ grew ominously louder alongside took credit for $750,000 worth of the retched stench of communism. damage to the University of Observing from a safe distance it Minnesota. Utilising baby toads, the became apparent that a philosophical scientists were researching treatlemur had acquired the role of ments for Alzheimer’s disease and Snowball/Trotsky whilst the actions of Cancer of the AIDS. Fortuitously, Napoleon/Stalin were being emulated many of the potential benefactors by a ruthless chaffinch. A herd of bufhave since died. falo, thought to symbolise the Hoofed animals are among the Mensheviks, had been slaughtered most frequently tested on earth. In dead. Quench retreated hastily when 2001 over 400,000 horses took the scientists threw the animals Will mock GCSE chemistry paper, instead Young disguised as a Romanov. The of eating grass and being glue. The Pop Idol lasted just ten seconds. problem is set to rise with the minisAmongst all this hullabaloo, one linter for long-necked education targeting gering question remains saliently 50% of all giraffes in tertiary educaunanswered: if we’re not supposed to tion by 2010. test upon the animal, why the Dickens Anti-animal testing groups recently is it called a guinea pig? blew up a factory that makes special

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nimal testing… gollywog… bleeding legs… paedophile… hoofed animals… scarves…. are all words, of which some will feature in the following investigation notwithstanding thusly.

If a pig could talk English it would almost certainly say “AAARRRRGGGGHHH”. So why do we persist in testing cosmetics on animals when makeup not only makes them look bloomin’ silly but also dead? The experimentation of moisturiser on pterodactyls got the Cretaceous tyrant extincted and trialling lipstick on male ladybirds has led to an increase in transvestisms in this already immensely gender-confused species.

However, there are two sides to this hexagonal investigation. Animal testing can save lives, with pioneering work on penguins and wasps exploring treatments for face cancer and bleeding legs. And only recently ago, EastEnders star Dean Gaffney was axed from the hit show when belated testing of the programme on animals turned a gaggle of badgers puerile.

But when does science become an irreverent Charlie, buggering the animal kingdom for the sheer giggle? The Ministry of Defence has been forced to cease the testing of bazookas on pandas following an audible opposition involving letters. And in Colorado, amidst massive controversy, scientists have grown a giant whore on the back of the llama. The animal has since been shot.

Them people who like animals say this is wrong. “How do we know they can’t feel pain?” asks Fortinbras Norks, a person from the public and self-confessed liker of animals. “We just do”, replies Professor of Animogenics Stiltskin Chomp.

Swampy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Cock

A Holocaust on animals

08 Interview

interviews@gairrhydd.com

23 05 05

Take that and ever ything after

Mark Owen talks to Gemma Scott about his new beginning, his new album and his life after that b oy band... baller. "I always wanted to be a footballer, and I feel guilty about my success, there are so many people struggling to make it happen and it just fell into my lap. That’s why I have taken so long to produce this album… I feel like I have something to prove to myself and to everyone else."

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so soon after we [Take That] split."

The year has been busy for Mark Owen, with Celebrity Big Brother, producing material for his new album and a sixteen date tour, but he can’t stand having days off, "I get bored and think fuck this, I should be doing something!" This is perhaps why his next year is an intense one. With breaking into Europe at the top of his agenda as well as another UK tour and the promotion of his new album, Mark won’t get much time to take a breather.

For a guy who has eight UK number ones under his belt as part of one of the biggest ever boy bands whose record sales topped 15million, he is surprisingly down-to-earth. This album is what we have been waiting for from Mark Owen, with a fresh and unique sound, completely separate from that of his music in Take That and a new direction for his solo career. I wish him all the success in the world and eagerly anticipate the release of the summer tune Believe in the Boogie.

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s we talked about my degree and the university lifestyle, Mark tells me that he has contemplated returning to education.

Getting into a friendly chat with the ex-Take That star, I sit thinking: "Oh my God, I’m having a conversation with Mark Owen, someone pinch me."

Sounding confident and proud, Mark spoke about the release of his new album: "the whole process of making it was enjoyable." Recorded in LA, he said how surreal his surroundings were; "I was in Hollywood with the sun shining away, I love it over there and even bought a cowboy hat to fit in!"

Mark’s new album How the Mighty Fall has been dubbed his best yet, drawing inspiration from his favourite artists such as Radiohead, The Libertines and Rufus Wainwright; of the latter, "his music is so theatrical it’s great!"

Although he has no favourite track from the album he speaks fondly of the track They Do, stating "It is like the first chapter of a book I didn’t want to end" Feeling re-born after what he calls a mid-life crisis where he was dropped from his labels twice and where he felt that he had no direction, he reminisced about his ambitions to become a foot-

I feel like I have something to prove to myself and to everyone else

He described working alongside Tony Huffer as "great, he’s fun to be around, one minute he is working and the next he is break dancing."

He stresses how refreshing it is to write music and sing it how he wants, "producing this track on my own label has let me make the decisions. It has allowed me more creative freedom."

He compares his previous albums to this one and says that this is his best yet: "I listened to Green Man recently and I sounded like a squeaky monkey, I wasn’t ready vocally to do an album

How The Mighty Fall is on sale now Believe in the Boogie out in June 2005

Hot Goss-ip

Interview 09

Marc Jones ventures into the eccentric side of pop with ex-Bros frontman Matt Goss

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s I wait in the opulence of W.H. Smith's appointed interview room, I half expect to encounter the mutant offspring of Boy George and Rodney Trotter.

Much to my dismay, Matt Goss is no such hybrid. On the contrary, the former Bros front man radiates more youthful vigour than the Artful Dodger, or for that matter, any other equally cordial Dickensian urchin.

With all this duly noted, we exchange pleasantries, and as the self-styled exile fixes me with an 'I don’t take no shit' kinda stare, I quiver fearfully in my leather-look tilt and swivel. Is his disdain for the media still evident after nearly six years out of the limelight? "I don't feel there is anything more you can do to me," begins Matt.

He continues; “Although I am only one man, and the media is infinitely more powerful than me, I feel that I can trust the judgement of the people."

Intrigued by this profound and philosophical martyrdom, I asked whether or not this trust in "the people" had been reciprocated. "Well, I played an intimate gig in Shepherds Bush that was only advertised on one poster, and three and a half thousand people ended up queuing down the street." So was it this warm reception that inspired you to return to a country that, six years ago, treated you so harshly? "The response I got was certainly heart warming, but it was touring with Mariah Carey that made me realise how much I just love to perform."

“They wanted something that they could play on the radio” -- On why his musical stint in Italy was unsuccessful

Innuendo aside, there is no doubt that Matt Goss exudes an absorbing aura. "I'm a very spiritual person," professes Matt, "so writing the autobiography was an extremely cathartic experience. I think it will help people

How many people do you know that can say “I have nothing to say on that matter” in multiple languages? accept me for who I really am."

But where does the music fit into all this? Matt's new album, "Face the Wind", is an eclectic mix that celebrates his return to the constantly fluctuating frontier of popular music.

He professes that the album is an extension of his autobiography, as it represents the fruits of such a long period of introspection and evolution.

Surely a six-year wait warrants something that is extraordinary? "I haven’t been entirely inactive during that period," Matt adds hastily. "I worked on a hard house record with Eric Morello whilst I was in New York." In light of this rather surprising proclamation, I probed Matt further in regards to his leading role as the only subversive in the world of Pop. "I just dislike the prescriptive and formulaic nature of the music industry; I wanted to do something that wasn't constrained by the super-

ficial desires of the business. That is why I went to Italy."

Sadly, it turns out that Matt's ambitions in Italy met an untimely demise after the ravages of commercialism threatened to jeopardise the integrity of his latest musical endeavour. "They wanted something that they could play on the radio," sighed Matt.

"Well," I concluded, "did you at least manage to learn any Italian whilst you were over there?" In response to my audacious provocation, Matt raised his head, pausing momentarily before mischievously uttering, "Non lo degnero' con una risposta."

Matt Goss’ album and autobiography More Than You Know are both out now.

10 I n t e r v i e w

Dreams Work

Will Schmit talks to Kevin Shorey, Welsh-boy-done-good as an animator for Hollywood heavyweight Dreamworks

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took time out of my glamorous life in the Cardiff slums to visit the glitz and glam of Hollywood and the world of animator, Kevin Shorey.

I wish. But luckily I get the next best thing, and get on t’internet to find out from Kev just what it’s like to work on films such as, ‘Shrek 2’, ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’, ‘Tomb Raider 2’, and his latest project, ‘Madagascar’.

The earlier days in Kev’s ever growing (and highly impressive) repertoire saw him working in London on films such as Harry Potter, after a successful university degree show. “A UK-based recruiter saw my student film at the show and recommended me for an interview.“ Once completing his animation duties in London he impressed the bosses at PDI/Dreamworks, and was soon off to the US of A and the Hollywood film industry. He does assure me though, “my experiences of animated film making are not like that, I’m not really exposed to the Hollywood Machine.”

A job as an animator on ‘Shrek 2’ and ‘Madagascar’ obviously comes with its fair share of work, and Kev tells me that he typically has a 1012 hour day (that’s almost as much as a student!). “If I have an active shot in production I will attend sessions in the morning and show my work from the previous day on a big

“Animation already influences modern film making...It’s no longer something just to entertain the children.” screen in order to receive comments from the director. I’ll then go back to the computer and incorporate those ideas into my work.”

At this stage I had to ask if as an animator he gets to rub shoulders with the likes of Mike Myers and Cameron Diaz, and the many other big name stars lending their voices to such animated films.

“Unfortunately the actors rarely visit the production facilities as the dialogue is typically recorded off-site.”

Nowadays, animation is becoming an ever increasingly important part of the film industry, right across the whole spectrum. “Animation already influences modern film making, from the growing popularity of anime, to the adoption of animated film creation practices in live action film making,” and as a man who’s worked on films which are purely animated, such as ‘Madagascar’, but also live action films such as the upcoming ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’, he should know better than most.

Kev also firmly believes, “the cur-

Images in the making from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002) rent proliferation will continue as the animated film is now accepted as a mainstream method of story telling.

It’s no longer something just to entertain the children.”

I’ll certainly second that, as I’m sure I’ll get equally, if not more excited about the next animated film that’s going to hit our screens than the average six year old does. It really is a refreshing method of film-making that does and will continue to feature heavily in the future of filmmaking.

I was also desperate to ask by now just how Kev felt seeing his work appear on the silver screen, knowing that in some cases his input may only appear for a relatively short time in the film, but that all that hard work has really paid off, and the answer was simple: “I still haven’t got used to the fact that millions of people are going to have seen my work!”

Finally, before I hopped on my plane back to the UK (or at least the number 35 bus to Studentsville), I asked Kev for some words of wisdom, for any students out there looking to pursue a career in animation, and here are those words. “Just try to keep things simple, especially in student work, and make sure every action is clear and motivated.”

Talking Heads

Interview 11

Catherine Gee chats with Dr. Fred Alan Wolfe about new film What the Bleep Do We Know!?!

Dr. Fred Alan Wolfe: he’s got a doctorate, a white beard and he fancies Nicole Kidman

is nobody more or less intelligent than you and we are all equally capable of influencing the direction of society, if you choose to.” As a result this is even changing politics in America which, he admits, seems a “strange country” even to him at times.

More controversial is the film’s approach to religion. It has managed to create a stir amongst Christians, scientists and atheists all at the same time with its ideas about ultimate human control. According to The Doctor, he contradictorily argues that not only is there a “great mind in the universe” but that mind is not separate from our own and it is with us that the “fundamental responsibility

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he new documentary film What the Bleep Do We Know!? has arrived on British cinema screens questioning our reality and asking quantum physicists, academics and alternative spiritualists; is all what it seems?

Dr Fred Alan Wolf is a quantum physicist who has dedicated his working life to spreading his ideas to the general public and telling them they can control what is going on around them. Over the course of the interview, I asked him what all this means; about the possibility of thinking ourselves into a better world and about his favourite Hollywood hottie.

He is very quick to dispel the notion that quantum physics is complicated claiming that “it’s scientists’ way of looking at things in their simplest form.” Which basically means that they spend their time watching atoms and molecules spreading out and wobbling around. But then there is much more to it than that. Dr Wolf’s role in this film, is to tell people that they can control the world around them by using this latest fusion of spirituality and science.

Confused? He tries to explain.

“According to quantum physics there

According to quantum physics there is nobody more or less intelligent than you

of the nature of reality” lies.

The main thrust of the quantum argument is that things are changed

by observation. Yes, if we watch something it changes, which can include the firing of our own neurons meaning that through observation we can change the way our nervous systems work. Admitting that this is largely speculation Dr Wolf insists, “it is not based on pure fantasy.” We can see the appeal of following this ‘spiritual science’ given the film implies that we can think ourselves to a more youthful appearance.

But all is not so serious. When asked about his taste in films he happily expressed a deep admiration for Nicole Kidman. “I like anything that Nicole Kidman makes,” he muses. “I think she is a brilliant actress.”

Much like any American who considers themselves above the likes of Ricki Lake, he is a big fan of British comedy, admitting that the US don’t do dialogue as well as we do. And as one must also expect he likes his scifi. Designed to incite the envy of any sci-fi buff, the man once had Douglas Adams, writer of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, round for tea.

What the Bleep do We Know?!? is out now with a review on page 41

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Features

:) :(

Quench 23 05 05

features@gairrhydd.com

Heaven knows I’m miserable now...

Beth Pritchard explains the ins, outs, ups and downs of mania, depression and manic depression.

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epression is known as the ‘common cold’ of mental health as many people suffer from it; it also comes in many forms.

Bipolar disorder, or manic depression, is far more common than many people think. About 1 in 100 people suffer from it at some point in their lives and lots of people do not understand it.

I asked my flatmates what they thought manic depression was and all (apart from the one who studies psychology) said they believed it to be really serious depression - the kind of phrase used when describing someone permanently in a bad mood.

Manic depression is actually when the sufferer swings from extreme moods both of mania and depression.

Depression Everyone feels sad or down at various points in their life, but one can feel depressed without it being clinical depression. When someone suffers from depression, they feel extremely down for a long period of time, often without being able to pinpoint a cause. They can be sad about their body and then be sad about third world debt.

Outsiders tend to find it hard to understand what is making the individual so unhappy and this can obviously be frustrating for the sufferer and the people who know them. It is also very difficult to cheer up someone with depression.

Obviously there are anti-depressants, but a friend will find it hard to pull someone out of a depressed state using normal methods such as buying them chocolate or watching a film. They are likely to hide away and wont ‘see the point’ in doing anything such as washing or leaving the house or eating. Depression affects sleep, hunger, memory, sexual appetite and energy levels. Suicide is commonly contemplated in depressed people and depression can last for varied length of time.

Mania

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People suffering from mania often don’t even know that they are ill. It is often viewed as over exuberance or being ‘hyper’ so many don’t go to the doctors and have this illness diagnosed. Being loud, frivolous with money, having an increased sexual appetite and having lots of energy are common symptoms. It is pretty much the opposite of depression so is an extreme contrast.

It is very hard for friends and family to cope with these moods because sufferers often don’t think about what they are doing. They can become aggressive and loud; if someone interrupts them while they are talking, for example, they will have a complete mood swing and could become violent.

An individual can just suffer from mania and many successful public speakers suffer from the illness.

When asked they say they have learnt to harness the disorder so that they come across as enthusiastic and charismatic.

Manic Depression Manic depression is rather selfexplanatory. The sufferer will have a period of mania followed by depression. These aren’t necessarily right next to each other; there may be a break of ‘normality’ before the new phase begins.

Or the individual can be in one phase or the other pretty much all the time.

Like most illnesses, there are varying degrees of severity.

Serious sufferers can be dangerous both to themselves (especially in the depression phase) and to others and it is not uncommon to find people suffering from manic depression in mental health hospitals. It can be a very scary experience early on, and if the sufferer is young it is often blamed on hormones because the swings are so drastic. It is also hard for a sufferer to recognise the phase they are in until afterwards, for example when the sufferer is in the depressive phase the grievances and sadness can take over any form of rational thought.

Features 13

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It has been argued that depression, mania and manic depression are genetic. A sufferer’s children are likely to be prone to the illnesses. The first phase can be triggered by something like breaking up with a boyfriend or failing an exam. After that it is much easier to have an episode for no clear reason.

If you were to ask someone suffering from depression why they were so sad it could be difficult for them to answer – they often don’t know. Though the phases can be a long time apart, a sufferer may only have a few episodes in their lifetime. Others seem to be constantly in one of the two phases.

Also, with depression or mania on their own, if you suffer from either once then there is a greater chance you will again. Unlike manic depression, mania and depression aren’t necessarily recurring illnesses.

Depression is easier to treat than mania, using drugs and counselling. It is also easier to spot, though there are drugs to help mania, and counselling can also be effective. There is, however, no ‘cure’ for either and the drugs can be addictive which does make it hard for patients. Also, there is such a stigma attached to being on antidepressants that often sufferers refuse treatment. It should be emphasised that there are many support groups available if you feel affected by mania or depression, including a student support centre in the university, your GP, charities and support groups where you can talk to other people suffering from the illness.

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Features

SELL BY DATE:

Supermarkets are a hot spot for a romantic tryst.

Cindy Chen grabs more than a trolley-full

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ood is my passion. I spend up to two hours a week checking out the produce in supermarkets and I like to imagine myself as domestic goddess Nigella Lawson as I glide effortlessly around the kitchen, experimenting with new recipes.

There is a slight problem, however.

I haven’t got a special someone to cook for. It all seemed sad and bleak until a fantastic idea struck me.

Apart from my weekly groceries, I could also try picking up men during my shopping trips.

After all, supermarkets are great places to check people out, says Linda James, owner of Occasionz, a dating agency based in Cardiff. “You can meet people from different age groups, nationalities and races, inspect their trolleys and understand what kind of lifestyles they lead.” More importantly, it also presents opportunities where you can subtly talk to someone without it feeling like you’re chatting them up!

Helena Wang, a 24-year-old marketing graduate from China, says the supermarket setting makes it so easy for people to create situations for a conversation. “I have been approached by men three or four times in a supermarket. There was a guy who came up to me to recommend a product while others were curious about what was in my basket.

It’s not difficult to strike up a conversation.”

And it’s not just men making moves in the supermarkets. Women too, aren’t shy in making their feelings known, said Daniel Martin, a 21-yearold Marine Geography student. “I once asked a female store employee if they had any basil for the meal I was preparing and was taken aback when she asked if I could cook her a meal too.” It may not be difficult for some, but a novice like me certainly needs a few pointers from a dating expert before setting off on my manhunt.

“The most important thing is to make sure you’re looking nice,” advises Linda. “Men don’t like women who dress too formally, so opt for something chic and casual like a simple top with jeans. “When you see someone you like, maintain eye contact and drop him a nice smile. But remember not to be overly flirtatious as guys do prefer girls who are coy and gentle. Try to catch his eye as you move around the store and when you do, be bold and instigate a conversation,” she adds.

Armed with top tips from the love guru, I went on the prowl in Tesco Superstore. I pushed my trolley along the fruit and vegetables section and began dispensing gracious smiles to my fellow male shoppers. But the fresh food section, as I found out, was not that ideal to make conversation as it was too crowded and shoppers seemed overwhelmed by the colours and choices.

Features 15 Case Studies SAINSBURYS, QUEEN STREET

It’s in the bag!

I wandered off to the quieter wine section which is always a good place to break the ice. “You can start chatting to people about the kind of wine they like and that could lead to where they hang out on a Saturday night!” enthuses Linda.

It was rather embarrassing approaching someone at first, but with more practice, I started sounding smoother. I managed to hit on shoppers and store employees wandering along the wine aisles using the same pick-up line: “Excuse me, do you know anything about white wine? I don’t know which one to choose!” Of course, I said this with a sweet smile as I batted my eyelashes coyly.

The first guy I approached was a lanky Tesco employee arranging bottles at the wine section. He seemed earnest and friendly so I decided to approach him for some advice. We soon got chatting about our favourite drinks and hang-outs. All was going well until he disclosed that he was actually an under-age beer drinker.

Devastated that I was displaying paedophilic tendencies, I shut my gaping jaw and ran off to another section.

I went to hang out at the pasta section and caught sight of a tousledhair guy agonising over the the staple

foodstuff. Flipping my hair across my shoulder seductively, I dropped the perfect pick-up line, “Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but I am a foreigner and I don’t know how to cook pasta. What should I choose?”

My knight in shining armour took five minutes to explain to me the different kinds of pasta and how to prepare them, but did not bother to pursue our conversation further when his mission was accomplished. Perhaps I wasn’t outright enough to make him understand I was hitting on him.

Almost disheartened, I forced myself to give this one last go and went up to a smartly-dressed executive in his thirties for directions to the soy milk section. “Well, I am lactoseintolerant, you see,” I began to explain while trying my best to hold his attention. As we walked toward the dairy section, something glimmered in the light and I was heartbroken when I realised a fat gold ring was sitting on his fourth finger.

One hour and twenty minutes later with a trolley full of melting food, I dragged myself toward the check-out counter and admitted defeat. Ah well, all’s not lost, at least tonight I will be accompanied by my bottle of white wine, soy milk and penne pasta.

This cosy supermarket offers the best setting to pick somebody up. The store is compact but not too crowded, making it really easy to make small talk.

Everyone flirts in here- from the young executives to the students and check-out staff. Turn your charm on full and go break some hearts.

TESCO EXTRA If you after the sporty type, make Tesco Superstore your most frequented hang-out. Many hunks and babes can be spotted here after a hard workout at the Talybont Sports Hall, and most are up for a chat or two.

LIDL, WOODVILLE ROAD An odd mix of pensioners, students and families frequent this store and most are oblivious to their surrounding. Take advantage of the long check-out queues by standing behind someone you fancy and while the time away with small talk.

MARKS & SPARKS, QUEEN STREET

TOP 5 TIPS

1 2

Avoid cheesy chat up lines such as ‘So, do you come here often?’ Instigate conversations on the products Appear relaxed and friendly. “maintain eye contact and smile at someone who’s caught your eye but try not to appear to be too flirtatious”

3 4 5

Ask questions. Be polite and show that you have a genuine interest in what the other person is saying Don’t appear too desperate by following the person too closely Avoid formal dressing

Unless you have a thing for mature men or pesky teenagers, sparks ain’t going to fly in here.

This supermarket is swimming with lonely pensioners and spotty teenagers addicted to the Percy Pigs. My advice: steer clear!

16 T r a v e l

travel@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

Hungary for a taste of Eastern Europe?

In our first trip east, Laura Tovey explores Hungary discovering the illicit love child of Lidl and Tesco

A gorgeous frilly cake of a building

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udapest is beautiful, as everyone knows. The Danube runs sinuously through the centre, dividing Buda from Pest: two halves of one city each offering stunning views and many attractions.

The architecture is famously beautiful – it’s a little known fact that when he saw the Hungarian Parliamentary building, Freddie Mercury tried to buy it without realising what it was. Yes, I know his taste was sometimes a little to be desired, but in this case he was spot on – it’s a gorgeous frilly cake of a building.

The true spirit of Hungary can be found away from the capital. It’s a country with a lot more to offer than the standard tourist package of Budapest and beer.

I stayed in a town called Tatabanya about an hour’s drive from Budapest.

It’s a small, soviet era town right down to its centralised hot water system. It has very little to offer in the way of nightlife past a plethora of pubs with some very strong beer (my kind of nightlife) and some seriously dodgy clubs – no really, don’t go to these places unless accompanied by

four men highly trained in martial arts. Which fortunately I was.

Towns like Tatabanya are where you can find an essence of Hungary. Here you can enjoy the beer, cheap prices and the Hungarian food (goulash = good; blood sausage = not for the squeamish), but also the countryside, local hospitality and a chance to show off your waving and pointing skills, as few people outside the capital speak English. Although as with sand after a trip to the beach, English speakers turn up in the unlikeliest of places, as with the elderly cashier who fluently served me in Tesco. Yes, they have Tesco superstores there, although there are so many types of sausage and generally strange-looking meat products on offer that it is as if Tesco and Lidl had an illicit affair, resulting in the spawning of a Hungarian lovechild. Now there’s a strange mental image, two supermarkets getting it on. I worry myself sometimes.

But if you care about more than just sausages (stop sniggering at the back) then Tatabanya makes a good base from which to see some, like, actual cultural stuff. With the use of a

car you can get around to all sorts of places. We had a ‘vintage’ East German-built Trevant of which the most stable part was the string that held on the exhaust pipe, but go through a reputable car hire firm instead of a friend of a friend and I’m sure you’ll end up with a Lada at the very least. That noble chariot took us to see the sights, including the eagle statue that is Tatabanya’s emblem and a Basilica with an amazing collection of centuries-old bishops robes.

Also in easy driving distance are a castle with medieval reconstructions check out the stocks - and a cool metal bob-sleigh run.

Hungary isn’t short on natural beauty either. Budapest is a UNESCO World Heritage site, but only in combination with Lake Tata, which can be found in the town of Tata - didn’t see that one coming, did you? - between Budapest and Tatabanya. Surrounded by houses that belong in a fairytale and over looked by a palace, the tranquil lake is a great place for a stroll.

For the romantically inclined, there is a gate where you can add a padlock, your name and the name of your beloved to the collection already affixed: true love never dies, it only rusts.

Since Hungary joined the European Union it is quickly opening up to visitors and flights to Budapest can be snapped up cheaply. The capital is a great place to start, but don’t be afraid to stray a little beyond the bright lights and let the rest of this beautiful country unfold itself to you.

One note of warning though – dogs are pretty darn popular, so take earplugs if the sound of the twilight bark, interspersed with some chronologically confused cockerels, isn’t your idea of a lullaby.

Meanwhile Nobbie Mackintosh dodges McDonalds in Poznan

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hrowing my bag into the boot of an old Mercedes, the driver and I exchanged the few words of each other’s languages we knew as we smoked our way through busy roads full of ageing cars. Out of the window I could make little of Poznan at night besides monuments and tree lined pavements.

As the night crept in I headed for the old Square. It was illuminated with restaurant-bars and a shining fountain casting shadows of black water onto the cobbles of the square.

Occasionally the clip of a horse’s shoe on the stone floor was thrown across the square as its carriage picked up couples for a circuit with the Town Hall as its axis. I pondered if they ate horse in Poland; he looked fit, with enough meat on him to sate the gastronomic propensity of any creature brave enough to accept the challenge. But they don’t.

Sitting down to order, I realized my ignorance and lack of Polish language skills as the beautiful waitress came for my order and I looked down on the gibberish scrawled, perfectly no doubt, in her native tongue. When ordering, I suggest you pick at random and enjoy the surprise. There is little chance you will be disappointed, with either the quality of cuisine or the cost.

Beer is strong and cheap - a great combination. I found a particular fondness to ZywiecI and I think the feeling was mutual as it never tried to leave.

As I flooded my guts with fine libations I read through my Lonely Planet guide to see what was on offer for tomorrow.

Poznan’s primary precious building is the Cathedral of St. Peter and St. Paul. Its Gothic walls house the tombs of Boleslaw I The Brave and his father Duke Mieszko, the first Kings of Poland who created the first Polish state here in Poznan a thousand years ago. It now gazes over Poznan, capital of Wielkopolska and a growing site of industry and technology. What the guide overlooked however, is the fact that there seem to be hundreds of beautiful women everywhere; a square full of cuisine and nostalgia and the opportunity to live like the rich by stuffing your greedy little mouth and caring not, as money has no meaning to you here.

The next morning I wandered across the town and found it to be divided by East and West in more ways than one. While one half of the city is home to a high street not out of place in Western Europe, the poorer half still struggles out of the consumer searchlight but is home to the Museum of Musical Instruments, containing one of Europe’s most expensive collections. Well, at least they didn’t put a McDonalds near that.

There is only one MaccyD’s and it costs the same as at home, so the kids flipping ‘patties’ have to work fifteen hours to buy a ‘Value Meal’ and do overtime to go large. At least the West hasn’t stained all of Poznan, there is plenty to see that is left as it always was and the people will reassure you that there is still much to be

T r a v e l 17 proud of. I headed back to the Old Square, and for the price of a McDonalds, had the best afternoon you can have in Poland when hungry but without the unnecessary movie merchandise toys.

In amongst many fine establishments the Brovaria is not to be missed (+48 858 6868, www.brovaria.pl). The larger of the two bars has a massive electronically controlled vat in the center of its back wall, which emerges from glass flooring displaying the brewing process that takes place beneath your feet as you drink.

After drinking honey beer I emptied like the horse by the fountain The restaurant is just as breath taking. After sampling the cuisine I asked once more for the menu to check the prices, believing I had disregarded a zero here and there. Here, you can find on the menu any game and livestock that may have been scampering along the banks of the Warta wrapped in bacon and covered in berries and beautifully arranged on your plate. Or, if your belly defends your heart, there are stuffed peppers, extravagant salads, Polish soups and dumplings, but be sure to check the website menu as it changes with the seasons and the chef’s disposition (three courses cost between £4 and £7).

I couldn’t eat away my change so I went to the bar. After drinking honey beer until I emptied like the horse by the fountain outside, I began to consider my gluttony. I thought about the kids that had stopped me for money; maybe I should have given them more.

Or the guys flipping burgers, who’d have to flip for days to do what I’m doing. As I settled down for the night, I thought how much they’d love to do this. I bet they’d love a suite with a huge bed, satellite telly and a fridge. I felt the same in the UK: I could never do this there and now I’m doing it here instead. The Poles aren’t so lucky but then they never have been.

Excess Baggage Battle of The Home Towns: Leamington Spa

Joanne Grew, English Language Studies.

Your town in three wo rds: Fun, young and fab!

Things you never knew about Leamington Sp a: In the 1800s it was just a village called Leamingto n Priors. In 1838 Queen Victoria gave it a ‘royal ’ prefix.

Best Bar: Mumbai Ble u - has a great garden to drink in and a large, classy, no nsmoking bar.

Best Club: Sugar - is a sm but happening place, tha all t never fails to provide a great night.

Best Shop: Kat - is a small boutique selling gorgeo us, original and pricey clothe s for women!

Worst Bar: Ocean - ful l of underage kids. The pla ce to get your drink spiked!

Worst Club: Rios - full of grey old men and cheesy mu sic.

Worst shop: Claire’s Accessories.

Must do: Newbold Comm on everyone hangs out he re in the summer to enjoy the swimming pool.

Summer Activities: The Peace Festival and the Mopp.

Tr a v e l

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Still stuck for something to do this summer?

Summertime is all about sun, sea and sand. If you fancy trading in your sea and sand for something a little different, then maybe a trip to the Spanish city of Pamplona is up your street. Visit between the 6th and 14th July to witness the Fiesta of Saint Fermin. Whilst the nights are fuelled with music and dancing, the days offer something out of the ordinary.

An 800 metre stretch of the city turns into a race course, on which locals and tourists attempt to outpace frenzied bulls. With three levels of competition the festival offers something for everybody, but even the easy Estafeta sounds a tad dicey. The top tip from the experts is to start slow! The idea being that if you keep close to the bulls at the start, you will have the energy to run like the clappers when the going gets tough!

Don’t forget to send us a postcard!

Posh or Pants? Posh.

aux Postcard From Borde

By Robert Sharples

stur here in Bordeaux, my t’s the end of the yea last my s wa y and yesterda dents are on holiday, ff. rdi Ca to ck ba ng mi co of Saturday night before int sa n tro e’s Day, pa It was also St Georg mco d an d se pis t ge se to England and an excu We had royal visits from h. plain about the Frenc s for (lookalikes), free drink ry lla mi Ca d an Charles rcu Me y dd shirt and Fre as anyone in an England ople came dressed up pe st Mo r. ba the to a behind icc ud Bo m character, fro their favourite British t congo ky Vic aid rm ba l tifu the Dragon - the beau Caribbean pirate. a fused and dressed as English and even a pair , ish ott Sc h, Iris , Welsh ning all went out for an eve ing of baffled Bulgarians ak pe h-s glis En the t abou me that was as much so t ou ab s party as it wa community having a from parently wasn’t even ap o (wh int sa opobscure sw in, d ne joi nch regulars the UK). Even the Fre lager of lf ha a p, (ye e ch pê ping their normal demi l pints and singing Rule ful with peach syrup) for Britannia on the bar.

I

d my year It’s a good way to en country the abroad, celebrating orrow Tom to. ck ba g I’m movin to ck ba ing lunchtime I’m fly I’ll d en ek we the by d Bristol an Cardiff, eatbe househunting in breakfasts ed ok co r ing ing prope out the weather. I’m go ab ly part and moaning quiet t bu le, op pe the lly pecia to miss the place, es t back. of me can’t wait to ge ir! vo Au Re re.

PS: wish you were he

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Fashion

fashion@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

Superstar style Charlotte Howells and Clare Hooker look at the fashion icons who have shaped fashion’s history

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Sienna Miller

S

ienna Miller is the latest contender for the boho crown, previously held by longstanding queen of style Kate Moss. Sienna’s carefully tousled ‘undone’ hair and constant supply of Matthew Williamson clothing has made the country obsessed with her laid-back look.

She displays a seemingly innate ability to effortlessly pull off a mix of vintage and designer outfits that would look awful on the rest of us.

That said, her Glastonbury outfit of cowboy boots, Moroccan belt and frayed gypsy skirt was copied endlessly, as is her every outfit; no other modern star appears to have such an influential style.

Charlotte Howells

Marilyn Monroe

arilyn Monroe personified Hollywood glamour.

As the ultimate curvy girl her sensual style and pouty look are still channelled by many a Hollywood starlet.

Her voluptuous curves were the perfect frame for glamorous 50s style feminine-chic, her trademark red lips and platinum waved hair created a timeless iconic package.

With her elegantly clinched-in waists teamed with plunging necklines, Monroe was the original screen goddess.

Charlotte Howells

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Jackie Kennedy

n the early 1960s America saw the beginning of an important cultural shift. The idealization of the American woman was part of this change and was dominated by one women’s grace and style, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Noone else looked like her, spoke like her, wrote like her or was so original in the way she did things.

Her trademark was a combination of a pillbox hat, a pink suit and pearls.

Her style was so well known that Mattel created Jackiestyle fashions for Barbie.

Unable at this time in history to have an active role in politics, she carefully shaped her image to reflect the ideals and internationalism of her husband’s administration. With a preference for French fashion, she hired Oleg Cassini, an American based designer to help dress her with cultivated taste. The first lady chose fabrics and styles that said to the world, ‘look, Americans have come of age — we’re cultured, sophisticated, international.’ Her clothing shows how she created a representation of America. In turn she is remembered as an ‘unforgettable woman of the Queen Jackie: captured America’s heart century’. Clare Hooker

Bowho, Cardiff’s newest boutique label are now taking orders for custom-made or off-the-peg dresses for ball season.

Gay

gay@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

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Banter or bigotry?

SCISSOR SISTERS: Rising camp

Is the word ‘gay’ gaining too strong a place in a modern day vocabulary?

By James Emtage

S

omething happened the other day which made me think. I momentarily made my friend believe that he had over-stepped the mark by calling me a ‘big gay-boy’. I was, in-fact, double bluffing. He hadn’t crossed the line of friendly banter to offensive ridicule with me, but I’m not a particularly sensitive guy when it comes to my sexuality. However, he could quite easily have insulted someone else were they to hear the mocking jibes that he was coming out with.

It’s the case today that homosexual-related terminology seems to have wriggled its way back into our everyday vocabulary, but in a completely different context to how it was used a few years ago. How many times, for example, have you been annoyed at someone or something, and spurted out the oh-so common phrase ‘don’t be gay’? Or when something has gone really badly, how many times have you said that it ‘fucked you up the arse’, or words to that effect? I myself say it all the time, in an ironic kind of way.

But what about straight people?

What are they actually thinking when they say these things? Are they really big fat homophobes who are taking full advantage of today’s liberal use of the terms such as ‘queer’, ‘poof’ and ‘pansy’ to air their personal prejudices against homosexual people? I think not. I mean, it would be a bit gay of them if they were, wouldn’t it?

It’s pretty much the case today that

we, as open-minded, educated students living in a big city and belonging to a big university, know someone, or know of someone, who’s gay. And it’s a sign of how open-minded and educated we all are by the fact that most of us do not have a problem with this.

Hence why people feel so comfortable to throw around such derogatory terms in a care-free fashion because they know that they are simply not being derogatory.

It amused me greatly when coming out to my flatmates last year that one of the first questions some of the more ‘laddy’ boys had asked was “Can we still say the word gay?” And it makes me laugh to see how certain people and groups of people alter their vocabulary when they find out my orientation. Why, if I had a pound for every time someone said the big ‘G’ word, followed by apologising profusely and making sure that I knew they hadn’t meant to cause any offence then I’d be the richest fag about town.

But as little as one generation ago this really was not the case. Many people saw homosexuality as the most disgusting, sordid activity you could engage in. I mean, to partake in a homosexual act was illegal until fairly recently, and it still is in many other countries and cultures. That’s why for a lot of us we were raised as kids being told not to use certain words.

To call someone gay in the primary school playground was about the biggest and most offensive insult you could conjure up, as we were told that it was the name given to something ‘different’ or ‘wrong’ that should never

be talked about.

Thankfully, for the most of the student population, we have evolved through that ignorant way of thinking, and have come completely full circle.

Everyone is so down with accepting gays that they can, to a point, say whatever they like without causing offence. But where is that point? And what happens when it is crossed?

I believe the point is firmly within the idealistic student bubble in which we choose to live. But step outside that bubble and the lines will undoubtedly be moved. I mean, how totally out of the question would it be to use the word gay in the standard banter fashion in a setting such as a job interview? It’s a politically correct world out there, and at the moment we’re exploiting the fact that we don’t have to live in it yet. We’re exploiting the fact that we’re all so open-minded that we can call our friend a big gayboy and get away with it.

It’s fantastic that we can use such words in an everyday context without meaning to cause offence, and I personally have never taken what has been said as anything other than light hearted banter. But remember that behind each jovial jibe lies decades of serious homophobic abuse. Abuse which many still associate with today.

So just be aware next time you refer to something as being a bit gay, ‘cos it would be seriously gay for you to get in trouble from it.

Reviews STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH

Dir: George Lucas Cast: Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman

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ver since the Star Wars saga took on a distinctly bloated feel in Episode I and II George Lucas’ operatic epic has seemed wilfully condemned to the annals of empty-headed, cartoon-fettered, gluttonous merchandising.

If the scope of the previous two episodes has seemed too watered down and child-friendly, raping the memory of the original trilogy with the stubborn resolve of a gloriously knowing brat, the range and personal scope addressed in Revenge of the Sith finally clambers out of the merchandise bin and headfirst into the dark and twisted apocalypse that the saga has always promised.

With Lucas returning to direct the final piece of the sextet Revenge of the Sith is a finely crafted tale of decadence, temptation, destruction, and greed. This is the episode that not only completes the saga but provides the emotional pivot on which all six films must now turn.

This is the story of Anakin Skywalker’s journey from Jedi idol to Sith Lord as his spiritual belief in the force gives way to personal anxiety and greed. This is the film in which the dark side triumphs and hope and honour all but dies.

Where the turgid Phantom Menace and the insipid Attack of the Clones repeatedly stumbled, Revenge of the Sith burns with opulent turmoil. The long promised darkness finally earns its 12A certificate as Jedi younglings are

Quench 23 05 05 slaughtered and friendships brutally ripped apart. The tragedy of Anakin and his transformation into Darth Vader finally revitalises rather than regurgitates the staid old clichés of Lucas’ space opera.

The film’s charred exploration of individual dissolution is offset by a highly nuanced portrait of a world blighted by greed and ceaseless ambition. As a young Anakin falters under the deadweight of his anxiety the shadows close in and the light goes out. By the final act the landscape of Revenge of the Sith is a charred holocaust of forgotten principles and shattered hopes.

Revenge of the Sith’s charm lies in its ability to saturate the most murderous intent into a brutally nihilistic kaleidoscope of Dante-esque proportions. Vicious brutality and precision abound in equal measure. The concisely trimmed fight scenes and lightsabre balletics are deftly handled.

Revenge of the Sith’s problem lies not in the visual spectrum but the emotional one.

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We are asked to care for our antihero only to be personally brutalised by the continual lack of a worthy emotional crux. Any faith in the redeeming power of the force is undermined by Lucas’ inability to create an emotional bond between Anakin and his wife Padmé capable of twisting him so tightly that he gives into the very temptation, that will eventually destroy all he once held dear. Lucas seems too intent on infusing his amateur Greek dramatics with frantic gung-ho action to remember that every truly great epic also needs a truly great screenplay.

The performances on show from Christensen and McGregor are suitably adept as they joke like brothers only to eventually bicker and fight as the world burns at the seams, while Ian McDiarmid’s turn as Supreme evildoer Chancellor Palpatine is a finetuned balance between pantomime villain and Shakespearian puppet master intent on destroying all.

Revenge of the Sith is never going to twist the cinematic screw like episodes IV or V. When Lucas is intent on sacrificing emotion so readily for action it’s to be expected that the dialogue will at times feel like an 8-year olds playground re-enactment.

For a film under such exhaustive scrutiny Revenge of the Sith is an admirable attempt to finalise a saga that has defined the possibilities of the cinematic age. At once beautiful, tragic, and flawed, Lucas’ galactic opus has now, hopefully, come to its end.

Craig Driver

24 M u s i c

Quench 23 05 05

music@gairrhydd.com

The Unusual SYSTEM OF A DOWN Mezmerize

NINE INCH NAILS With Teeth

GORILLAZ Demon Days

Fake tits, C-list celebrities, fast cars and big talking bucks all really get System’s goat this time out. Mezmerize is a lively molestation of smoggy L.A and its lucrative appeal. Musically, its not stepping too far from 2001’s Toxicity, but remember, this is the first instalment of two tantalising long players released this year.

Cartoon rock is still the name of the game, the best coming in Sad Statue and Old School Hollywood, Serj’s Tankian wry observations and Daron Malakian’s toddler energy continue at their very best: The worst comes in Question! a sticky mealy of Metallica falseness.

Elsewhere the quirk metal template of previous outings remains firmly in place. The drumming is still thunderous, the riffs schizophrenic, and worryingly guitarist Malakian still sounds like he had his testicles trapped in a blender as a child. “My cock is much bigger than yours,” he shrieks on Cigaro. Doubtful.

7/10 Greg Cochrane

The world’s a pretty miserable place if you’re Trent Reznor. It’s been five years since the self-indulgent loathing of The Fragile, and, having ditched the booze and drugs, Reznor’s mood may be lightening. With Teeth may remain a thoroughly melancholic affair, but

by Reznor’s standards, he must be happy as fuck.

Don’t be fooled by this though: With Teeth still possesses that unique bite that many attempt to achieve, but few actually do. The album’s themes of security and isolation may make it Reznor’s most accessible album to date, whilst retaining the vicious march of the likes of Starfuckers Inc as Reznor snarls "I haven’t got fucking anything" on the obsessive Getting Smaller.

For traditional NIN fans, the synthesised hate remains on The Line Begins to Blur, while You Know What You Are? is full of the frantic spite that has become something of a Reznor trademark as he hurls the song’s lead line over an aural assault of bruising drums.

A blisteringly beautiful return for the self-defined King of Industrial rock. 9/10 Sam Coare

Damon Albarn and Co. return with the second outing from the world’s first self-confessed fictional band. Demon Days is the paranoid intreverted comedown from their fractured debut.

Wisely the formula has been changed slightly with previous producer Dan the Automator being replaced in favour of DJ Dangermouse, creator of the The Grey Album.

The album flows like a hazy dream. The sneer that dawns the start of Feel Good Inc. melts in perfectly with squelchy beats of Dirty Harry. As expected there are some amazing cameos.

Persistant wreck-head Sean Ryder lends his dulcid tones to the infectious DARE, Dennis Hopper provides a menacing narration to Fire Coming Out Of The Monkeys Head and Neneh Cherry cheekily references Salt’N’Pepa on Kids With Guns.

Demon Days is a blissfully subdued album which, similarly to Blur’s Think Tank, demonstrates Albarns disillusioned view of the world. Ah well, you can’t sing about parks forever.

8/10 Jon Davies

Epic

Island

Parlaphone

Suspects WEEZER Make Believe Geffen

Make believe that Rivers Cuomo hasn't spent the last decade flitting between his platinum selling rock band, manic depression and a Harvard degree, and you might just imagine the fifth classic Weezer album.

Unfortunately the irreversible slide that started with 2001's Green Album and continued with the following year's Maladroit continues, and how.

Despite having 12 songs of typical summer poppery, Cuomo and producer Rick Rubin allow the most professionally banal lyrics to mix with a bland cacophony of wheezy (heh) guitars resulting in a tiresome piece, that, in comparison to the dual masterpieces of the Blue Album and Pinkerton is as frustrating to listen to as it is sometimes fun.

It's not all bad, Hold Me and This Is Such A Pity hold their own, but with a band with so, so much to live up to, it's simply not good enough.

5/10 Will Dean

Quench takes a look at the best of the month’s alternative

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN Push Barman to Open Old Wounds Jeepster

This monstrous two-disc 25 song collection comprises the bands early Jeepster EPs. Unlike many retrospective compilations this is not just one for the commodity completists. Lazy Line Painter Jane, I Love My Car and The State I Am In are among the finest songs the band have ever written.

No other band quite reflects the ennui of everyday life like Belle and Sebastian and no-one else has the same knack of fusing life affirming, joyous melodies with such morose lyrics. This is an album filled to the nines with gems. The fact that all these songs were released on EPs, not albums, is only a testament to them. At a time when a ‘demo’ of an album track is considered a worthy b-side this collection exposes the vast majority of succesful bands for work shy bastards they are.

Belle and Sebastian were recently voted the best band to ever come out of Scotland. For anyone who disagrees I recommend you listen to this, then find a nice big shiny spoon. 10/10 Jon Davies

MILLION DEAD Harmony No Harmony Xtra Mile Recordings

Within the stressed confines of Frank Turner’s head something very special is happening.

Million Dead are his vision and his mission incarnated, A Song to Ruin was part one, and now Harmony No Harmony is its solid sequel.

Heavier and more melodic than its predecessor, the London noise-merchants have grown into their baggy skin, more comfortable and confrontational. See first single, Living The Dream, a vitriolic sing-a-long, and After the rush hour, a spaz attack of luminous guitars and cacophonous drums.

All spectacular stuff, but the band’s jewel lies in barking lead singer Frank Turner, an intelligent, incisive, witty and fundamentally very contented chap.

It’s everything the super-sulking emo his band gets lumped in with isn’t. "I’ll declare my own sovereign state/ I will open embassies wherever the hell I please." On this form, make Frank Turner President of British heavy rock and be done with it.

9/10 Greg Cochrane

26 Albums THE DEPARTURE Dirty Words Parlophone

Growing up in a Christian community in Northampton may not be the desired upbringing for most budding rock stars (just ask peoples’ hero Dominic Masters of The Others) but The Departure manage to pull it off. Dirty Words is an almost Morrissey-esque collection, lamenting love, life and… erm, television (although anyone who watched Celebrity Wrestling will understand that gripe). The scratchy, Gang of Four guitars do sound tired by the end and it may take more than this to push them up with the likes of Franz Ferdinand, but this is a competent debut of a band with great potential.

7/10 Tom Brookes

NINE BLACK ALPS Everything Is Island

This northern quartet from the darker side of the Pennines are a strange little phenomenon.

The understated simplistic artrock of Sonic Youth streams through their veins as does the kinetic fallout pioneered by The Vines et al.

Buffed to a shiny glow by super-producer Rob Schnapf (Elliot Smith/ Beck) The Alps debut album is a fiery beast undercut with mellow longing and a jarred grunge aesthetic.

Just Friends and Shot Down strut and sigh in equal measure echoing Radiohead at their most infantile and ethereal.

Despite the abundance of Class A tunes, Nine Black Alps work within such a narrow cloister that the fuzz and raw energy is occasionally lost amongst the moody shadows.

With this meaty effort under their belt, Nine Black Alps will hopefully dispense with the restraint and let loose properly next time round. 7/10 Craig Driver

TOM MCRAE All Maps Welcome

BODYROCKERS Bodyrockers

Tom McRae’s work has been the soundtrack to many important moments in my life. Yet the part that I love best about the music is the inexplicable darkness attached to it. You Cut Her Hair is possibly one of the most sinister takes on grooming in existence. Tom has spent a good part of the last 24 months in the States, and openly admits it has made him, well, happier? All Maps Welcome is not filled with as many dark overtones as his last two albums, but rest assured, with tracks like Strangest Land and My Vampire Heart, all is not lost. 8/10 Nik

By now most of us will found ourselves embarrassing ourselves on the dance floor to I Like The Way, even if it were under the influence of much too many (insert drink of choice here).

Most of the songs on the album, however, are at best mediocre and on hearing their attempt at a slow number, Stuck In A Rut, I can’t think of any song I would rather listen to less. The words tedious, uninspiring and bargain bin come to mind. Even my toilet will have been exposed to less crap than anyone listening to this album.

3/10 Will Schmit

Sony BMG

Thakkar

RACHAEL YAMAGATA Happenstance Private

Mercury Records

THE TENDERFOOT Save the Year Sony BMG

Happenstance is the debut album from singer-songwriter Rachael Yamagata. Starting with standout and opening track Be Be Your Love, which is a classy rendition, blissfully reminiscent of Damien Rice. Her smoky voice in Letter Real is evocative of a country and blues bar, whilst Worn Me Down is the rockier, more contemporary part of the album.

Rachael Yamagata’s voice doesn’t have the range yet, but that will come with maturity.

Happenstance is a nice, happy album, taking inspiration from Damien Rice, Ryan Adams and Norah Jones, whilst taking the time to float through country, blues, soul and jazz. Now gimme some hard rock before I start crying. 5/10

Their name’s appropriate. Everything’s slow, measured and tip-toed around, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing (Low), but here most certainly is. I can’t believe anyone bothered finishing these inhumanly bland songs. Which leads me to suspect the album is the result of computer generation, designed to make people so bored they become highly suggestible because anything sounds good by comparison ("Hows about abandoning your democratic rights?"/"Sounds good"). I wonder who’s behind it, North Korea?

Iran? The Pope?

There’s a song here called Too Drunk To Realise I’m Making You Want To Hit Me. It should be called Too Dull To Realise I’m Making You Want To Die. Music so impossibly shit you’ll have an existential crisis. 1/10

Ryan Owen

Colm Loughlin

Rachel Yamagata: Yama Dama Doo!

A l b u m s 27 Songs for Silverman might also expose Mr. Folds as the rather dull gentlemen he really is.

5/10 Greg Cochrane

BRAKES Give Blood FAITHLESS: God help us

SCOUT NIBLETT Kidnapped by Neptune Too Pure

Emma "Scout" Niblett is a low-key female artist gradually gaining cult status around Europe with her incessant touring and new album Kidnapped by Neptune. Lazy comparisons have been drawn between her and Cat Powers, because they both have breasts, but personally I think she is more on a par with the originality of Bright Eyes.

Like Conor Oberst, her voice seems genuinely wrought with emotion, as she sings simplistic songs about love and loss. Stark guitar riffs such as on Hot to Death are built up with beautifully off-tempo drumming creating uneven but attention grabbing songs.

The album is not about exciting or even inventive riffs and the songs all contain the basic slow build up premise (Wolfie particularly so) but it is innovative because of this; it’s stripping music right back down to its basics.

8/10 Ellen Waddell

FAITHLESS Forever Faithless (Greatest Hits) Cheeky Records

One of the most successful U.K dance acts celebrate a decade's work by releasing the industry's gold-watch album; the greatest hits. A nonchronological track listing hides the fact that a lot of their most memorable stuff is older, from an era when the super-club was still king and tunes like Insomnia, God Is a DJ and Salva Mea seemed to define the time.

Still, aside from introducing the world to Dido, Faithless have done little wrong since, and will no doubt continue to occupy an essential space on the musical landscape.

7/10 David Sutheran

BEN FOLDS Songs for Silvermen Epic

Never a run-away renegade of cool, Ben Folds has always firmly been a member of the geekish side, roughly as offensive or illuminative as a sedate wombat, or maybe Graham Coxon. Bastard might be a muscular enough opener, You To Thank might be a fairly satisfying rowdy piano tonk but

ALKALINE TRIO Crimson Vagrant

The masters of pop-punk’s darker side return with an album that once again moves the band ahead in the field. Their deepest offering to date, the Trio’s on-going lyrical maturity grows, whilst suitably tipping its musical hat to their punk roots.

The album opens at a frantic pace: there’s little time wasted on the storming opening provided by The Poison and Burn. Disappointingly, despite settling into a steady progression through the band’s many talents, Crimson peters out into obscurity as quickly as it introduced itself.

Hardly the bands best work, yet still a solid effort that continues the bands growth and redirection to the more commercial and accessible void left by the punk scene’s implosion.

7/10 Sam Coare

Rough Trade

First things first, please note that Brakes don’t need the all too proverbial ‘the’ in front of their name in order to sell their record. Their music sells their record. With their inimitable and delectably refreshing melange of country and pop you’d be forgiven for thinking that not too long ago The Futureheads overdosed on Ritalin, bumped into John Denver’s ghost and decided to make music. Many of their offerings barely break the two-minute mark, but who says that to be good a song has to be a few minutes long?

Not on this album that’s for sure.

8/10 WIll Schmit

NITIN SAWHNEY Philtre V2 music

From Goodness Gracious Me writer/producer to chilled-later with Jools Holland - smokey lounge bar musician is not a usual move but one that seems to have worked for this man. For the most part the tracks on his album sound like flowing honey set to a gentle drum beat. Good if you want something oriental without sounding too much like you're in an Indian restaurant. Not so good if you are figity and bore easily.

6/10 Sylvie Winn

28 Single s THE SCARAMANGA SIX Horrible Face Wrath

"Where did you get that horrible face?" and so it goes. With the hey-day of Tina Turner and Wings’ James Bond theme tunes behind us, perhaps this Leeds five-piece, led by off-key Morrissey-like crooning, are guiding the way to how a Bond track should be done. Perhaps not. 5/10 Samuel Strang

JEM Just a Ride ATO Records

Jem follows up They with a funky, upbeat offering. With her chilled-out vocals (freakily reminiscent of Dido), an addictive bass line and cool harmonies, Just a Ride has the perfect laid back sound for the summer. The Welsh trip-hop queen surely has a hit on her hands with this track. 8/10

OASIS Lyla

Big Brother Recordings

Layla, you’ve got me on my knees, Layla, I’m begging, darling please, Layla, darling won’t you ease my worried mind. Yes! Quality Clapton. On the other hand, this is Lyla by Oasis - a band I hate so much, just thinking about them makes me want expel my bladder. Buy this and be party to the laboured death gurgles of a band that should have expired in 1995. 1/10 James Anthony

EMILIANA TORRINI Heartstopper Rough Trade

Here Torrini (think Nina Persson meets Kathryn Williams) gets the Virgin Radio treatment (see Cannonball by Damien Rice) and has her perfectly good album version made Good For Radio by (what else?) putting drums on it. Suffice to say Heartstopper worked perfectly well before, so why mess, eh? 5/10 Will Dean

Kerry-Lynne Doyle

JAMIROQUAI Feels Just Like It Should Sony BMG

RECULVER Sharp Sand & The Konk Sessions EP Orgy Records

Remember that Stiltskin tune from the Levi’s Jeans advert? Remember how much that rocked, and how excited you were when your mum finally bought the album for you, only to discover that it was shit? This is worse than that. Subpar, jangly Nickelback wannabes. 4/10 James Anthony

AMY SMITH Songs from the Landing Tapes (E.P) Universal Music

This tranquil heartbreaker will make you either break down and cry or run naked and care-free through fields of Barley. This E.P contains an eclectic mix of sounds with some jazzy, sexy, Chicago-like moments, some chilled-out finger-picking country folk moments and ‘Da-da’ solos. Some Travis-style repetition of track titles is forgiven for the melodic beauty of her vocal talent.

8/10 Ben Lepley

Fire in the Disco

Feels Just Like It Should is a raw sexual taste of slick funk/rock and the first single off the band’s new album Dynamite. Closer to the darker side of Deeper Underground than Virtual Insanity, the Timo Maas remix is being hailed as one of this summer’s key club tracks. 7/10 Nik Thakkar

HIDING WITH GIRLS Shortround Mighty Atom

Even clichéd emo is better then this amateur wannabe clichéd emo sung by a guy whose accent falls somewhere between American and Icelandic. Not good considering they’re from Brighton, and after five listens I still can’t remember what it sounds like, except rubbish. 3/10 Ellen Waddell

LEON Be There Negative Recordings

According to the press release, Leon sound ‘like Blur at their most lo-fi.’ If by ‘Blur at their most lo-fi’ they mean ‘shitter than death’ they might be on to something. This ultra-crass croon sounds like one of those silly songs they have on Neighbours when Karl Kennedy’s being made a fool of. 1/10 Colm Loughlin

THE ARCADE FIRE Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out) Rough Trade

Some riotous drum work provides a solid momentum for an anthemic switching guitar melody, thundering along brilliantly under frontman Win Butler's twisting vocals. Arcade Fire clearly have the tunes to back up any level of hype - fresh and innovative to the last.

9/10 David Sutheran

Are you 16 or over, write your own songs in either English or Welsh and perform them in a band or as a solo artist?

Radio Wales, Radio Cymru and Radio 1 are looking for new musical talent and are offering a recording session and a support slot with a major artist somewhere in the UK for the best new talent. Interested? Well in order to succeed you will need to apply either by registering via the website: www.bbc.co.uk/newtalent or by sending in your demo to: New Music For Wales (Butetown), Room 2018, BBC Cymru Wales, Broadcasting House, Llandaff, Cardiff, CF5 2YQ. Auditions for bands from Butetown will be held at IMTEC, Butetown. The closing date for all applications is 22/06/05.

Ydych chi’n 16 neu’n h_n ac yn ysgrifennu eich caneuon eich hun, naill ai yn Gymraeg ynteu Saesneg ac yn eu perfformio mewn band neu fel artist unigol? Wel clywch - achos mae Radio Wales, Radio Cymru a Radio 1 yn chwilio am ddoniau cerddorol newydd ac yn cynnig sesiwn recordio a slot cefnogi gydag artist adnabyddus rhywle yn y DU ar gyfer y doniau newydd gorau.

Yn diddori? Wel, er mwyn llwyddo, bydd rhaid i chi ymgeisio, naill ai trwy gofrestru ar y wefan: www.bbc.co.uk/newtalent neu trwy anfon eich demo (CD yn unig os gwelwch yn dda) at: Cerddoriaeth Newydd i Gymru (Butetown), Ystafell 2018, BBC Cymru Wales, y Ganolfan Ddarlledu, Llandaf, Caerdydd, CF5 2YQ .

Bydd clyweliadau ar gyfer bandiau o Butetown yn digwydd yn IMTEC, Butetown. Dyddiad cau ar gyfer ceisiadau yw dydd Mercher 22ain Mehefin 2005.

L i v e 29

Win Butler: Flaming hot

THE ARCADE FIRE Bristol Carling Academy Sunday May 8

Make it big like GRUFF from the Furries: Above BBC WALES: Inset

Good god. Not many gigs leave you reeling with shock for three days but this one did. From the minute The Arcade Fire trooped off through the crowd, audience members began to turn to each other with looks of bewilderment about how a band with 'only 12 songs' (Win’s words, not mine) could produce such an astonishingly accomplished display. As good as debut album Funeral is, Butler and Co. transcend live musical boundaries by reproducing songs such as opener Wake Up and Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels) to such a degree of quality that you never, ever, want them to end.

Every song builds up to a searing crescendo, and when you think they can't take it any further, such as at the end of Crown of Love, there's always a disco-beat finale to finish you off. Once in a generation a band comes along that manages to unite all music lovers. Not one person who has heard Funeral could claim to dislike it, but if there is someone then the Montrealbased group's live performance would be enough to convince them otherwise.

Each member of the band puts more energy into each song than every member of Oasis has done since about 1996. This isn't always a recipe for success, but it worked with Talking Heads, and it works with Arcade Fire. If there's any justice they will be festival headliners by the time the year is out. Pant-wettingly good.

Will Dean

30 Live TOM VEK/CLOR BARFLY

Wednesday 4th May

After making the stupendous clatter of We have Sound in his garage with a stolen sampler and a tin of baked beans, it’s time for Tom Vek to bring the sound to the stage. Accompanied by three humble rocking amigos, the riffs from the record get stoked and the drums get beefed, creating a lively dose of sonic inspiration. The neon chunks C-c [You Get The Fire In Me] sound suitably scruffy, and Talking Heads-y hum-dinger I ain’t saying my goodbyes retains all its warped, smokey bass shape. The only lowlight comes with the repetitive dirge of On The Road.

This is after Clor have brought their sqinty guitars and angular grooves. Video clips flicker and luminous lights flash at the crowd as they join ‘shroom haired lead singer Barry Dobbin in performing the dance shuffle to recent single love and pain.

More diminutive than you’d expect, Vek is every inch the skinny, nerdy weasel (you know, like the kid you and your mates tried to fit in the locker at school) but with a satchel full of fluorescent anthems fame, if not puberty, surely beckons for the pint-sized magician.

Greg Cochrane

TOM VEK: VEKTACULAR!

SILVERSTEIN/THE BLACK MARIA/AIDEN Barfly

Tuesday 10th May How many emo jailbait does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they’re all in the Barfly. As the only person old enough to remember when emo meant more than a side-parting, I did begin to wonder if I had accidentally stepped into a Dashboard Confessional matinee show. Luckily, Aiden quickly dispelled these fears.

With raw goth-punk tunes much too big for the tiny Barfly stage and its tiny audience members. Next up were The Black Maria. The band's set is fairly unremarkable, with latest single Betrayal proving to be the high(ish) point. Finally, Silverstein appear onstage to a rapturous greeting. And they sound like... just about any other so-called emo band who have jumped the bandwagon over the last couple of years. Paint-by-numbers emo in fact, with equal parts screaming and whining. So, how many emo bands does it take to fill the Barfly? Three: one to bring the talent, one to bring the looks and...one to bring anyone over the age of 18 to the bar.

Jadine Wringe

THE WILLARD GRANT CONSPIRACY Barfly Tuesday 26th April

Americana's a dirty business. If you haven't sold your mother to satan for another dram of whiskey, shot up your half-brother’s horse, or raped and pillaged the Gram Parsons heritage museum for verses, you ain't got

nothing. Robert Fisher's Willard Grant Conspiracy are the living, breathing bones of the United States of alt. country, and Fisher, a man mountain of flesh and beard, is the living breathing spokesman for people who dream of ghosts of girls in wells, throwing themselves into fast flowing rivers and good old suffering.

Tonight making the initially foolish choice of shunning the group's rewarding back catalogue for new material, Fisher turns it around a third in, reproducing The Trials of Harrison Hayes and The Suffering Song into Crazy Horse inspired drone-outs, truly reaping the benefits of (finally) touring as a six piece. The new songs mix and match driving Whiskeytown good time bar-rocking with deadbeat lateperiod Johnny Cash spirituality, all of which is as gin-soaked as that sounds. Not bad for a bunch of "Swamp Noir" misfits.

John Widdop

MY RED CELL/ DOGS Barfly Friday 6th May

Refusing to be beaten after a monumental record company shafting tonight marks a turning point for local boys My Red Cell. For after tonight My Red Cell will cease to exist and the Innercity Pirates are born.

Support is provided by those cockney sparrows Dogs who open to a feverishly rammed Barfly. Predictably recent single Tuned To A Different Station gets the crowd bouncing. To me this lot are the musical equivalent to semen, you’re all happy and excited when it arrives but seconds later all you want to do is wipe it away to never be seen again.

Opening with an undeniably catchy new song, She’s a Bastard, My Red Cell provide a groin-grabbingly transcendent set splattered with new songs and firm faves such as In a Cage on Prozac and Going Out For Nothing which rightfully inspires body spasms among certain quarters of the audience. The new songs debuted tonight show definite signs of maturation and are delivered perfectly by a band who seem to improve from gig to gig.

My Red Cell may have received a burial at sea but this band is by no means ready to walk the plank. Brace yourself, the pirates are coming.

Jon Davies

L i v e 31

THE FUTUREHEADS/ LADY FUZZ/ MYSTERY JETS Bristol University Thursday 5th May

Thrashing purveyors of perfect gut-lipping pop? NME hugging northern eighties hip-shakers? Irritating empty-headed punchdrunk guitar thrashers?

Whatever your opinion of The Futureheads raucous punk-funk hybrid there is no denying their ability to transcend the pretensions of the post-punk art establishment. Tonight the thin and narrow Anson rooms in Bristol Union are plastered full with eager fans. As the Northern funksters stride onto the stage, packed tight into their expensive shining suits no matter how many NME articles or E4 teen melodramas they stumble into, somewhere inside those tight striped suits lurks the most absurdly catchy punk-pop quartet this side of 1977.

The Futureheads’ position in the New Wave debate post-punk revolution remains open to debate, but they seem intent on structuring tonight as four-to-the-floor blitzkrieg punk-grunk-pop. The first three songs are a furious rush, opening chords bouncing in and out before drums and bass paste thick layers of funk chic.

Strutting across the stage Decent Days and Nights rips open the show. Swift changes from A to B, Robot, and a crowd assisted a capella edition of Hounds of Love show The Futureheads performing confidently into one fearlessly ambitious unit gradually stepping out and over their middle England acceptance. By the time Meantime fizzes out over the amps The ‘Heads have hit their stride and the crowd are in drunken ecstasy. Back to the future has never been so ridiculously exciting. Craig Driver

THE MAGIC NUMBERS Clwb Ifor Bach Tuesday 10th May

Who said music hacks couldn’t do maths? Eh? Comprand….

60 seconds, is how long it takes for London via Trinidad via Ireland brother sister quartet The Magic Numbers to make hearts flutter and then melt with their apple-sweet tunes, cute melodies and huggable chubbiness.

7, the number of undisputable classic dainty summertime songs they have stuffed up their sleeves. From the creamy swoon of opener The Mute to the driving gypsy-folk thrust of Forever Lost and the quivering beauty of Hymn For Her, each magnificent.

32, the total of genuine tears shed in the room through sheer joy, and 1 from a bloke who dropped his pint.

45 (stone) might be their combined weight (they’re all pretty tubby- The Square Numbers if you like), 4 their average shoe size, 8 the number of podgy hands crafting their delicate sound and 2 and a half, the Amount of wild lookin chin-carpets cultivated by the band but here looks aren’t important.

25 (miles) is the width of leadsinger Romeo Stodart’s smile as a bewildered, elated room whisper the words of the epic Try back to him.

0, is for the amount of pretence shown by Romeo and his romantic

troop, no posturing, no fake smiles, just gaiety, twinkling lights and love, bless.

1, is for the amount of times Quench has heard Grease’s whacky The One That I Want sung by a man in braces with a girl in a cowboy hat and made to sound like the last croaked testament of Johnny Cash.

Total it up and you’ve got - no, not 184 and a half - but fresh, sincere, georgous feel-good pop, which is anything but indie by numbers. Greg Cochrane

COHEED AND CAMBRIA Solus, Cardiff University Saturday 7th May

‘‘What about the voice of Geddy Lee? How did it get so high? I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy" once sang Steven Malkmus, and when presented forty minutes into another escalating prog-bothering larynx-wrench from Coheed and Cambria frontman Claudio Sanchez, you can ask similar questions to that of the castrated Rush legend. Taking the blueprint of emo and injecting with some long-overlooked pretentious pomp and releasing records that sound like Mansun may not sound yum-yum on paper, but as soon as Yeti-faced Sanchez and his shaven counterparts swagger onstage and hurtle a thousand powerchords per hour into A Favor House Atlantic or post-encore epic In Keeping Secrets of

Silent Earth: 3, who’s reading the paper? 99% of the crowd were already testifying at the chapel of Coheed long before the disappointingly short, but suprisingly varied, set even began and despite the show being used in chunks as a testing ground for unfinished songs, few complaints were heard.

Such is the baffling devotion for a band who can call a song The Camper Velorium II: Backend of Forever and then include the lyric "I have no luck with girls", the night’s explosion of good-time crowd swaying and Rick Wakeman orientated probably won no new fans, but for such selective ridiculousness, I doubt they needed them.

Great stuff. John Widdop

DARK CHUNK Clwb Ifor Bach

Thursday 28th April

From start to finish you were convinced that this band were thoroughly enjoying themselves. Dark Chunk are the proud founders of runk, which I can only presume is rock mixed with funk. The lead singer had the vocal talents of a middle aged black diva inside the body of a skinny pretty knobbly-kneed twentysomething with pigtails. Crowd- and band-member alike were jigging about under the glitter ball all set long, mostly to new material but also to a intoxicating cover of, er, Toxic by Britney Spears. A splendid evening out.

Sylvie Winn

32

Arts

Quench 23 05 05

arts@gairrhydd.com

The Masters come to Cardiff This fortnight, the Arts Desk girls were cringing, gasping and laughing their hearts out at St David’s Hall Derren Brown @ St David’s Hall

liminal messages. In theory, anyone can learn to do the things this man does, and he non-ashamedly admits that these skills can have benefits in seducing the opposite sex (but he doesn’t do it anymore, apparently).

From detecting a liar from his walk to more intense, physical abilities, Derren Brown is a legend. Without ruining his show for any of you lucky enough to see it, all I can say is that no one can doubt the capabilities of this man. He has studied the human mind to intense levels and the results are fascinating. I can assure you that everything he does is real, no gimmicks, no confederates, all real and all amazing.

A

lways the sceptic, my main aim in going to see Derren Brown was to prove to myself one way or the other of his true mind reading capabilities on real people. But I ended up getting far more than I bargained for.

Leaving the show I felt absolutely bemused, Derren Brown had surpassed my expectations beyond belief. I found myself pondering the possibility of human evolution through an increase in the use of our brain capabilities, a scary prospect that would result in everyone being able to read each others’ minds and tell when we were lying.

For Derren Brown exposed himself as an academic, not a psychic. His powers are based on reading the intimate triggers of human behaviour and his skills at manipulation through sub-

Jack Dee @ St David’s Hall

F

rom the moment Jack Dee stepped foot on stage, the audience was laughing. And I don’t mean a sly chuckle. Oh no, I’m talking full-on, belly-shaking hooting.

Move over Victor Meldrew!

Absolutely brimming with banter, Jack Dee is the undisputable master of melancholy. Indeed, Dee was the only person in the whole venue able to keep a straight face. Covering a range of subjects from the allegedly dodgy seagulls at Port Talbot, to the South Wales Echo and faking his son’s homework, he brought comedy to everything and anything.

The set up was really very simple – just the stage, a stall and of course

Natalie Slater

Derren finds himself trapped in a psychadelic timewarp Dee. Despite this, his jokes were so lively that I really didn’t notice that I’d simply been watching a man in a suit ranting for the past two hours!

In fact, it’s bloody hard to pick a highlight, but his responses to the audience texts (he gave us his mobile number during the interval) were pretty damn cool.

Okay, so you might think that I’m completely up Dee’s arse, but honestly, there is a reason for this guy’s fame – he is an utter pro in every sense of the word. Having been bogged down with evil essays from hell, this show was just what I needed. I guess all that hardcore laughter really got those endorphins going. Any stressed student that missed this show well and truly missed out.

Debbie Green

Chuckle-o-meter:

Missed out? Don’t worry, you can still catch Derren at the Cambridge Theatre in London from 31 May to 18 June 08708901102

For some reason, Jack hates the Port Talbot Seagulls

Murder on the dancefloor?

Romeo and Juliet, Kirov Ballet @ WMC

I

don’t think that there are enough superlatives in the English language to express how fantastic this ballet was.

Arguably the world’s best-known and loved tragic romance, Romeo and Juliet is also one of the Kirov’s most successful ballets and it is easy to see why. The choreography was, at times quite literally, breathtaking, and performed to perfection by the outstanding cast. The wedding scene even had the lady sat next to me in tears.

As well as the ballet, the music was beautiful and the staging was exquisite. This was the first ballet company to perform at WMC and lets hope it will not be the last.

Arts

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What’s On? Widows @ Sherman Theatre, 20 - 21 and 24 28 May A tale of a community of women’s survival in the midst of a civil war and oppression.

Charles Burton @ Martin Tinney Gallery, 25 May 11 June Peaceful paintings of landscapes, still-lifes, interiors and figures.

The Guardian Hay Festival @ Hay-on-Wye, 26 May - 5 June

Hannah Perry

Magic Of The Dance @ New Theatre

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truly inspirational, eye-opening performance. This concise, energetic, rhythmic and passionate production had the audience gripped from beginning to end. The simple romantic story of young love, set in 20th century Ireland, was told effectively through the magic of Irish dance. Living in unbearably famine stricken times a young man and woman meet and fall in love.

However during a traumatic departure to America the couple become separated and the play then embarks on the lovers search for one another in the USA John Carey, understandably eight-times World Dancing Champion, and Collette Dunne, put on spectacular performances as the two lost lovers. Meanwhile, Ciaran Maguire gave a memorable performance as the lead demon. The collaboration of fast, stylistic routines with beautifully sung Irish songs, along with a clever use of special effects, succeeded in creating a powerful, engaging, musical extravaganza. This metaphorical production, carried by captivating dance routines with rhythmic revue, was a truly sensational production and well worth watching.

Rebecca Child

Books, theatre and film festival taking place in Brecon. There will be talks by authors including Sue Townsend, Terry Pratchett and Jeanette Winterson.

Learn About Disability Arts @ Wales Millennium Centre, 26th May Disability Arts Cymru discuss the problems faced by disabled artists and the support available.

Arsenic and Old Lace @ New Theatre, 31 May - 4 June Classic comedy which promises a ‘hugely entertaining and madcap evening’. Take your mum.

The Urdd @ Wales Millennium Centre, 30 May - 4 June It’s a festival, but a Welsh one. Tidy, like.

Me and My Girl @ Sherman Theatre, 31 May - 4 June Traditional musical with some sunny songs to brighten your day.

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Digital

digital@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

What’s this? A printer? What the f**k, it’s Playstation 3?

Hail to the next-gen king Both PS3 and Xbox 360 have been unveiled, let’s argue

E

3 is the world’s largest gaming trade conference, or in layman’s terms: Mecca for nerds.

Each year it serves up the brightest, shiniest games and peripherals that the industry has to offer, giving us all a sneak peek at what we’re likely to be ruining our degrees by playing over the coming year. This year is no ordinary year.

Once again, it’s time to unveil the next generation of consoles that will shape the next five years of gaming. That must mean that it’s time to enter the domain of the ardent fanboy (the gaming world’s bigot if you will). ‘Playstation 3 is better than Xbox 360 because that’s what I’m going to get, therefore by extension every other video games system is shit and will always be, until Sony releases Playstation 4’.

This sort of shortsighted and idle speculation has always been part of the industry and is unlikely to go away anytime soon, unless someone totally wipes out any competition at all. But this year, perhaps these unfriendly zealots have a point, Let’s

take a look. The sharper among you may have already noticed that XBOX 360 had already been unveiled preE3 in a blaze of celebrity and hype, all lovingly served up on MTV. Despite the overwhelming level of cheesy presentation by Elijah Wood and oh-so-cool endorsement by The Killers, the gaming fundamentals all seemed to be present and correct.

Sleek modern design: check. Snazzy new wireless controllers: check.

Some fly new games - Perfect Dark Zero, Project Gotham 3, Kameo: check. Ludicrous amounts of power under the bonnet (triple-core 3.2ghz Power PC, one teraflop performance): that’s one hell of a big check.

All seemed well: the hardware looked tasty, the games though longawaited looked good, you could almost feel Microsoft rubbing their hands together with the prospect of ruling yet another industry, but something was wrong. Sony hadn’t said or done a damn thing. Perhaps they were running scared, afraid to go toe to toe with the Big M and their beast of a console. Wrong.

While Microsoft were sitting pretty, Sony were just biding their time.

Microsoft could have their day in the sun because it looks as if Playstation 3 is going to lord it over this gaming generation as they have done for the last two. If you could describe PS3 in one word it would be stunning. True, it looks like some sort of photo printer, but its specification is frankly astounding. Called simply, Cell, the CPU is 35 times faster than the PS2’s 128-bit Emotion Engine, and twice as fast as Xbox 360’s processor. It works together with a Nvidia developed graphics processor, called RSX, which is more powerful than two GeForce 6800 Ultras. This is all a bit meaningless unless you are a computer scientist, but the bottom line is that it blows Xbox 360 out of the water. It’s twice as powerful, and considering that raw fact, PS3 is an eye and mouthwatering prospect.

Digital

35

360? So 60 better than PS3 then? Umm, no

As Sony has been keen to stress, what we’re talking about here is potential to have movie quality, realtime graphics in game - wow. By now you’re probably wondering about the games, and their presentation didn’t disappoint. Highlights included an awesome slice of blistering Killzone action from Guerrilla; a Getaway demo from Team Soho showing a bustling London; absolute vehicular carnage in a new game from Evolution Studio called MotorStorm; and an extended demo from EA for Fight Night Round 3, demonstrating brutally and - rather beautifully character facial expressions and contortions. I’d suggest firing up your Internet box to right now to gawk at their visual splendour.

To describe the realtime graphics seen in the footage as mind blowing would be an understatement. Everything from character models to texture detail on the most incidental objects was absolutely stunning. It has to be seen to be believed.

Of course, it’s not just about the graphics, although these will surely be

enough to guarantee the success of the console alone. PS3 also offers built in WiFi, a gigabit Ethernet and Bluetooth, which enables up to seven wireless controllers to be connected at any one time. The machine will support a range of disc media, including DVD and Blu-ray, and will be fully backward compatible.

Digital media will also be well catered for, with video communication and Internet access capabilities.

Short of giving it away for free there is nothing about this console that disappoints, unless of course it’s those controllers?

Might I be the first to say what the fuck were they thinking? Mr. Ergonomics has gone missing in action it would seem.

So we come to the inevitable conclusion, and surely that must be that it’s time to bow down and drool at the feet of Sony. Or should we? Correct me if I’m wrong, but the proof comes in the playing. Just for now let’s agree with Sony fanboys everywhere.

XBOX 360 CONTRIOLLER: At least M$ GOT this right

PS3 PAD: A futuristic boomerang, a travesty of design

36 B o o k s

books@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

One hit wonders

Will Dean looks at musical flash in the pans THE ONE AND ONLY Tom Bromley Fourth Estate

A

CHEEKY GIRLS: Making pole-dancing look unsexy

s a former music-journo Tom Bromley has certainly seen his share of duff (and some notso-duff) one-hit-wonders.

Despite looking like the kind of book they sell next to the till at HMV, Bromley actually paints quite a loving picture of some of the worst (best?) one-hit-wonders.

It’s nice to see that rather than just mock the likes of Gary Jules, Bromley goes to great lengths to give credit where credit is due. The short snappy features also make it perfect reading for the loo.

Will Dean

STATUS ANXIETY Alain De Botton

VALANCE: Not even that outfit could save her career

COME CLOSER Sara Gran

Penguin

Atlantic

T

his clever, compassionate and charming book analyses the disease of the modern world: status anxiety. It seems that in Western society more than any past society, we worry what people think of us, we worry if we are doing well enough in life, in fact we worry so much that it is killing us.

This book investigates the origins and possible solutions of ANXIETY: It’s got him scared this universal condition, Although the book probably won’t rid the Western world of status anxiety, the novel certainly makes you view things in a different way, it blows apart certain myths regarding the American ideals of opportunity, and helps you appreciate what you already have in life.

Although thoughtful and absorbing, this is not a book I would recommend reading for fun, as it is quite dry and heavy in places.

Shell Plant

KING: The real deal

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escribed by critics as "terrifying", this claim is a bit misleading, Sara Gran is no Steven King. The novel is more of a psychological thriller than a hor-

ror.

The most terrifying element of the novel is its realism.

It encourages us to question people and the likelihood of of similar events happening in real life.

It’s about the loss of control, something most people can relate to. Miramax has picked up the story and this is not surprising as the characters are extremely vivid.

The main problem with the book is its length. It feels slightly rushed and it only took me two hours to read. The twist in the end is good but it comes after a few chapters that seem blurred. Although this is possibly Gran’s aim, I found that it didn’t fit with the rest of the developing story.

If you want a quick thought-provoking read, this book is for you. If you want a jumpy absorbing horror then this probably isn’t what you are looking for.

Beth Pritchard

King of Bling

Books

37

Books takes a peek at the new Mr. T comic

M

r. T is an icon of our age.

Appearing in everything from The A-Team to Sesame Street, he was the first king of bling. Mr. T has now been immortalised in a new series of APComics with the first issue released last Friday, May 21.

One of the Mr. T writers, Chris Bunting, gives Books the lowdown on the series.

A bit about me and how I got into comic book writing: I write Action Man for Panini Comics, and I’m also writing The Lexian Chronicles, which is based on a wonderful fantasy novel. I have two comics coming out from Antarctic Press this year, one of which is somewhat unusual in its approach, so I’m sure that it’ll turn a few heads.

Writing comic books has always been my dream since I was just a kid.

I got in by practising, listening to any and all constructive criticism (even rejection letters) and always, always, making sure that whatever else, I was enjoying writing!

If you think for one second that getting into professional comic book writing is easy, check out my website www.writing.me.uk and believe me, my journal is just the tip of the iceberg.

What incarnation of Mr. T you can expect to see: Mr. T is Mr. T wherever you put him.

It’s that whole charismatic, powerful presence of him at work – it makes him such a draw.

You’ll see ‘trademark’ Mr. T; I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel here.

So he’ll be putting the kabosh on crime! It’s more of a real world setting that people can genuinely relate to, so there’ll be no super powers, while it’ll still have all the wonderful ingredients that make up comics.

The storyline in Mr. T issue one and stories from the series:

Issues 1 and 2 of Mr. T The opening issue of Mr. T is almost a mystery thriller. A new drug is damaging the fabric of an inner city community, and the one person who could ever restore hope and put an end to this drug hasn’t been seen for some time.Things look bleak at best.

As the opening issue of Mr. T is almost a mystery thriller, I don’t want to give too much away!

But I figure I owe you guys a little more than that. So … first up there’s a new character called Mizz K. She’s as bright and dangerous opponent as she is beautiful. If you’ve seen any of Neil Edward’s pictures of her, you’ll know how beautiful she is.

Then there’s Wild Dog, a very unpredictable, complex character, who could well be as strong as Mr. T himself. We also have Doctor Johnson, and the enigmatic Detective Raziel. Not to mention the Padillas … but I’ve given away too much already.

These are continuing adventures.

There might be a self-contained story here and there, but for the most part it’ll be story arcs and plot threads. I really want to instil in the Mr. T comic all the things that make the comic book the great and unique storytelling form that it is.

Some of these have been too long missing, and I genuinely see the Mr. T comic book resetting some trends.

My passion for Mr. T and why he stands out: I’m a huge Mr. T fan, so as a writer, a Mr. T comic book made perfect sense.

I went to APComics, asked them if

they’d be interested, and their reaction was fantastic: they were as enthusiastic as I was! It was the ideal home for a Mr. T comic.Then we went about getting the rights, and here we are.

As for what the comic is about, it’s going to be a comic with a real entertainment factor. It’ll be contemporary and will be layered with action, adventure and intrigue. And, hey, it’s got a terrific star!

It involves Mr. T, using his brains as well as brawn to fight crime. It’s going to be a comic that people can relate to, and one that will hold its own against its shelf-sharers.

But let me be a bit deeper for a moment, something that I’ve avoided being to date. We live in an age where people will often turn the other way when they see a fellow human being in trouble, rather than get involved.

The stories in Mr. T – about a nonsuper powered man who will take a stand – really have relevance, and I believe readers will genuinely respond to that.

Mr. T’s popularity in the UK: Mr. T was named as one of Europe’s most ‘popular’ Americans – third only to President John Kennedy Jr. and Martin Luther King. ‘Nuff said!

Mr T. issue 1 was released on May 21 Check out the website: www.apcomics.com/mrt-page.com

38 B o o k s

Thrills and Kills

Author Lee Child talks to Kerry-Lynne Doyle How has your law degree enhanced your ability to write thrillers?

It gave me a certain clarity of expression, and obviously it helps me to be convincing when the plot turns on legal wrinkles, which isn't often ... but in a way it helps Jack Reacher be precise: for instance, even though these are high-body-count tough guy action books, in two of them the vital clue has been a detail of punctuation - the position of an apostrophe, and the presence of a hyphen. I like mixing brains and brawn. Maybe that's an LLB thing!

Plus it helps me understand the complexities of real-life constitutional law in the States: Reacher moves in a world of gun crime, and he - like me - would like to see guns banned. (In Persuader he says, "Never tell a soldier guns are fun.") But the US Constitution makes that virtually impossible: to ban guns would be the same thing as banning the US, in a way. You can't argue with simple words written in black and white.

L

ee Child is the ultimate Brit done good. Born in Coventry, he studied a Law degree before embarking upon a 18 year career at Granada Television. He worked as a presentation director on TV classics such as Brideshead Revisited, Prime Suspect and Cracker before being fired in 1995 when the company was restructured.

He used the opportunity to pen his first novel, The Killing Floor. A phenomenal success, it launched the Reacher series, which is now in its ninth installment after continually reaching the US best-seller list. His novels have been published in 20 languages and the first six Reacher novels have been optioned by New Line Cinemas, with The Killing Floor proposed for release in 2006.

I caught up with Lee during the launch of One Shot, the ninth Reacher novel, which was published in April.

You're renowned for your masterful thriller writing. In your opinion, what makes a good thriller?

Characters the reader cares about, suspense, danger, reasonably high stakes, peril, injustice ... and then resolution and closure at the end.

One Shot is the ninth Reacher novel.

How has the character evolved?

It's a juggling act. On one level the appeal of the series depends on keeping an iconic prototype essentially unchanged, and on another, by convention we need to see lead characters learning, getting older and wiser, book by book. So I try to put evolution in there, but I keep it low-key.

Are there any similarities between you and Reacher?

As a private joke he shares my birthday, my footwear preferences, my taste in music, some of my lifestyle habits, and so on. And someone CS Lewis? EM Forster? - said all fiction is autobiographical ... I guess he's what I would be if I lived in a fictional world, which unfortunately I don't.

Before writing your first novel you spent 18 years at Granada Television. How have your experiences of working in television influenced your writing?

In two ways, really ... firstly, off-stage in the sense of fully understanding that the audience comes first, not me, and that the show must go on.

And also on-stage in the sense of

habituating me to the kind of pacing and rhythm that consumers of entertainment are currently accustomed to.

What is it like being a 'Brit done good'? What do you miss about living in Britain, if anything?

Well, plenty of Brits have done good in this field. For me personally I was glad to rise Phoenix-like from redundancy ... living well is the best revenge, I always say. I don't miss much about Britain, really. Or, if I do, a 48-hr visit usually cures me. Right now I'm living about half the year in New York and half in the south of France. When Bush has gone I might move back to the States full-time.

BUSH: Keeps Child away from the US What are your future plans for Reacher? Can you give us any clues?

My plan is to do a book a year until people get tired of them. Next year's installment is called The Hard Way and it's a kidnap story that starts in New York City and finishes in England - the first time Reacher has been shown in the UK. But it's Norfolk, which sadly is the opposite side of the country from Wales. But he might come to Wales some day - my parents live there now and I visit them once in a while.

And finally what are your tips for budding thriller-writers?

Ignore all tips, including this one.

Ignore all advice. Just write exactly the book you want to write, even if you're totally certain everyone else will hate it. That way, it will be lively and organic and it'll have a living core ... and everyone else won't hate it.

Film

film@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

39

ONG-BAK

Dir: Prachya Pinkaew Cast:Tony Jaa,Petchtai Wongkamlao Rel. Out Now, 105mins

M

artial arts films have taken a bit of a beating recently.

Whether it be eccentric nuttiness such as Shaolin Soccer or the high-wire aesthetics of Zhang Yimou’s Hero and House of Flying Daggers the kung fu contingent has been fairly prominent. Following in the fine tradition of Eastern brilliance comes the blistering Ong-Bak. In the peaceful countryside of Thailand lies a small village called Nong Pradu. There lives Ting, a nice, innocent boy who has been taught the art of Muay Thai, yet has been forbidden from ever using his skills on another person, until one day evil gangsters come and steal the head of Ong Bak, a Buddha statue. Ting nobly offers to follow them Bangkok to retrieve the head before the whole village dies from drought.

Thus begins his passage into the Bangkok underworld of fight clubs, prostitutes and drugs. The transition from peaceful Thai village comes as quite a jolt as the pace quickens and then never lets up. Ong Bak has been mostly commended for its use of real fighting: no CGI, no wires, no stunt doubles, just men beating the living shit out of each other.

Some of the action sequences are nothing short of breath-taking including an almighty chase sequence where Ting hurdles various street items, including leaping through a ring of barb wire and sliding under a moving truck. Tony Jaa gives a worthy performance as the ripped but innocent

Ting was offended when cutie although he really does seem far too pure to make for an interesting enough character.

Director Pinkaew really delivers in this mighty battle between faith and greed. Despite the occasionally thin plot the film features excruciating imagery that will leave you breathless.

Catherine Gee

MYSTERIOUS SKIN

Dir; Gregg Araki Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Brady Corbett, Michelle Trachtenburg Rel. May 20th, 105mins

F

rom the hyperbolic, pop saturation of its images to its theme of pretty young things wrestling with their place in the world, Mysterious Skin is tightly wound and has a stabilizing effect on Araki's typically erratic visual style.

Wannakit entered his ring uninvited Somewhere in Anytown, USA, a little league coach (Bill Sage) molests two youngsters under his tutelage. As young adults, the victims remember the abuse differently as their memories shape their adult lives.

The way the director shoots the film's abuse scenes, using fractured shots consisting of his young actors making pained, sometimes pleasurable expressions mirrors the fear, confusion and subsequent detachment of the story's victims. Araki doesn't eroticize molestation; instead, he bravely recognizes the erotic energy that often haunts, colours, and charges the adult sexual identities of abuse victims.

If Araki's images appear subversive on the surface that's because the film's opening act suggests victims of abuse subverting and supplanting the horrors of the past. Joseph GordonLevit as Neil is sublime in his uncertainity trying again and again to rationalise his past.

Mysterious Skin's themes and dueling dialectics converge in the films warm and honest final third as Neil and Brian (Brady Corbett) begin to filter their past into their present with a gentle resolve.

The aesthetic rapture of the film is matched only by the honesty and rawness of its emotions, which ushers in the womb-like comfort zone of the film's finale.

Big Al

Mysterious Skin: A pop culture ride into uncertainty

40

Film

STANDER

Dir: Bronwen Hughes Cast: Thomas Jane, Deborah Kara Unger Rel. May 27th, 113mins

B

ronwen Hughes directs this biopic based on Andre Stander who moved from honoured cop to legendary and notorious criminal.

A social commentary evoking the social tension during apartheid, which merges with a mythological tale of Robin Hood, Thomas Jane shines in a believable and charismatic portrayal as Andre Stander.

The film starts with Stander as a police officer in South Africa, where duty calls him to deal with a riot. The riot is one of many, between the white police and the oppressed Americans in a South African shantytown.

Everything becomes confused and chaotic, when Stander lets loose live ammunition at the riot.

Stricken by guilt, he plays against the system, claiming a whiteman could rob a Johannesburg bank in the daytime without anyone noticing. To prove his point Stander sets about robbing bank after bank in a hectic jutting series of raids. He starts down a path where right and wrong no longer apply, but always attempting to retain his moral dignity.

The film has a desaturated, washed-out look that is reminiscent of the late ‘70s and early ‘80s era that it’s based upon. Not a traditional action film, this biopic is in the vein of Blow and has traces of Butch Cassidy and Dog Day Afternoon.

A potent blend of character study

Stander began to worry that this might not be the local delicatessan after all and social history with a dynamic performance by Thomas Jane that captures what a difference one man can make.

Ryan Owen

THE JACKET

Dir: John Maybury Cast: Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley Kris Kristoffsen Rel. Out Now, 102mins

O

scar winner Adrien Brody stars alongside Keira Knightley in this psychological thriller about time travel. Finding himself locked up in a mental asylum for a murder he didn’t commit, Brody is subjected to inhumane experiments.

Drugged, restrained in a straitjacket and filed away in a mortuary drawer he finds he can propel himself 15 years into the future. There he meets a young waitress (Knightley) who he previously aided as a young girl when her mother’s car broke down. He is also even less impressed to discover that he has been dead for the past 14 years.

The Jacket, in its attempt to be valued as an intelligent thriller, falls down near flat. Despite using all the best stuff - haunting music, hallucinatory visual effects and hints towards One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and Twelve Monkeys - it just doesn’t cut it as a genuine cinematic thriller.

There seems to be a consistent under-estimation of the audience’s intelligence and an intention to appeal to those most willing to hand their cash over at the box office. This is exemplified by the drafting in of mavericks such as Jennifer Jason Leigh and Kris Kristofferson as well as the handy use of Knightley’s naked body.

The cast offer acceptable performances and are suitably serious-looking. Daniel Craig’s ranting asylum maniac is, however, about as cliched as they come. The script descends to preposterous levels that are too far from believable to be enjoyed.

Try as it might The Jacket will never achieve the high consideration it so fervently desires.

Catherine Gee

Adrien Brody demonstrates the benefits of private medical care

WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW!?

Dir: William Arntz, Betsy Chasse, Mark Vicente Cast: Marlee Matlin, Elaine Hendrix, Barry Newman, Robert Bailey Jr Rel. Out Now, 108mins

W

hat The Bleep is a frustrating mixture of BBC-style docudrama and US infomercial.

Rather than an informative discussion of quantum physics and its relevance, the focus is to persuade us of the all-conquering power of positive thought. All it lacks is an address to send our money to.

We are introduced to Amanda, a depressed photographer who is still bitter over her ex-husband’s affair.

Through a combination of surreal and inspiring encounters, cheesy backing music, she is eventually transformed into a happy and confident individual.

Mixed in with this are interviews with a string of physicists, neurolo-

The DVDon

Reviews you cant refuse SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, rel.

Out Now The yellow sponge from down under makes his big picture debut. There's trouble brewing in Bikini Bottom.

Someone has stolen King Neptune's crown, and it looks like Mr. Krab, SpongeBob's boss, is the culprit.

SpongeBob stands by his boss, and along with his best pal, pink starfish Patrick, sets out on a treacherous mission to Shell City to reclaim the crown and save Mr. Krab's life.

The Don Says: “My first cousin Raphael once wore some Squarepants. He was a Jacobean mystic fuelled by Nicotite meth.”

2046, rel. 23 May Opening in the year 2046, a man named Tak (Takuya Kimura) attempts to persuade wjw1967 (Faye Wong) to travel back in time with him. The film soon shifts to the year 1966 in which Chow Mo-Wan (Tony Leung Chiu-wai), a struggling author, asks the woman he loves, Su Li-Zhen (Gong Li) to sail with him from Singapore to Hong

gists, and spiritualists. Rather than imparting their knowledge however, we get a series of uninformative soundbites attempting to convince us that the only relevant conclusion of modern science is that we are miserable because we think negatively.

The only time I actually learnt anything was when they explained the workings of the brain regarding memory and perception. On every other subject, points are briefly raised with no hint of discussion or context. We aren’t even told enough to be patronised.

Admittedly the film is entertaining in places, although nearly always unintentionally, at times becoming both bewildering and farcical.

The overall message may be a reasonable enough one to convey, but is presented in such a cringeworthy, factless manner (despite the film’s intentions), that it is very hard to take seriously. The sense that this is all some elaborate brochure for some well-disKong on Christmas Eve. She declines and over the next three years we return to Chow Mo-Wan on December 24 as he finds himself with a different woman each year including the delectable Zhang Ziyi.

The Don Says: “By the year 2046 I intend to have spread my empire of pain far beyond the reaches of Ashby De-La-Zouch” THE MAGNIFICENT TRIO, 25 May Reuniting the director and the cast of the groundbreaking Tiger Boy. Taking place in the closing years of the Ming Dynasty, the title characters battle a power hungry official, whilst at the same time getting involved with three gorgeous ladies. Two magnificent trios plus great fight scenes make this one of the most memorable historical drama to come out of the Shaw Brothers studio in the 1960s.

The Don Says: “I once bedded a trio of ladies from the Sicilian isle of Chichester. We performed the kungfu cha-cha all night long” TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE, rel. 25 May The range and political scope addressed in Team America: World Police clambers out of the toilet basin and headfirst into the political cauldron of the Middle East. Terrorists from Durkadurkastan, supplied with WMDs from Kim-Jong II, will destroy civilisation unless Team America can save the day. The latest from the creators of South Park skips playfully along that line between taste and

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guised cult is ever present.

Somewhere in here is a film that badly needs to be made. This, though, is not it.

David Ford

What the Bleep = What the f*$k? humour and therein lies its joyous potential.

The Don Says: “I like terror and i love this film as I would an Otter.”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL THE FLAMING LIPS: THE FEARLESS FREAKS

Rel. Out Now

15 years ago, director Bradley Beesley (Lips' video regular) began filming the exploits and performances of neighbour Wayne Coyne and his experimental, post-punk rock band The Flaming Lips.

More than a decade later, after sorting through 400 hours of tape representing fame and failure, breakups and breakdowns, love and loss, 11 albums, one Grammy award, one drug addiction, and a lot of very loud music, Beesley's longawaited film is finished.

The Fearless Freaks captures The Flaming Lips' with never-before-seen home movie footage. Performance footage begins with the band's early punk/noise phase, and continues as the band's show becomes increasingly avant-garde and The Lips become the elder statesmen of the weird and wonderful.

The Don Says: “Once upon a time i set an enemy’s lips a’flame. I then proceeded to fleece him of his spine”

42

As Star Wars hits the Big Screen yet again FILMDESK guides you through the Top Five reasons we continue to love and loathe George Lucas’ galactic sci-fi epic

Film 1

LIGHTSABRES

5 REASONS TO LOVE

Lets’ face it, when you were a kid and you first saw Star Wars the thing you wanted most in the whole entire world was a bright green buzzing lighsabre. They can chop through the toughest metal, deflect laser blasts with ease and come in a wide variety of colours, shapes, and lengths. While they are worryingly phallic in their elongated protusion they remain the coolest weapon in the darker side of any young child’s imagination.

2

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Industrial Light and Magic (ILM) did a spectacular job with the special effects in the original trilogy. For the late 70s the effects were simply breath-taking. The models were all built with minute detail and deft precision while the laser and lightsabre effects throughout all six films are superb if not a little overbearing.

3

SARLACC RESCUE

The Ultimate Rescue Mission: Luke Sywalker’s rescue of Han Solo from the gluttonous clutches of Jabba the Hut in Return of the Jedi has Jedi powers, monsters, lasers, lightsabres and countless bounty hunters. Sprinkle a little of every bloke’s sexual fantasy, Princess Leia in a gold bikini, and you have a warm leatherette of a scene that is perhaps the saga’s best.

4

DARTH VADER

The best sci-fi baddie ever to grace the silver screen. Not only does old big helmet have the scariest outfit, and the most expensive in the costume shop, but the ‘force grip’ means he can strangle slacker employees millions of miles away. With Revenge of the Sith Vader’s tragedy is now complete lending genuine gravitas to his fall from grace.

5

THAT DARN THEME TUNE

Possibly the most played, parodied, interpreted and damn catchy movie theme tune every composed. Once in your head it takes up permanent residence never leaving you no matter how many tequillas you consume. Composer extraordinnaire John Williams came out of retirement for Revenge of the Sith to lend extra weight to a film laden with dramatic expectation. Without Williams’ theme the saga would be incomplete.

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43

SCRIPT AND DIALOGUE

George Lucas can do battles, he can do spaceships, he can create an entire galaxy down to the smallest detail but give him a pivotal emotional scene and he stutters like an inebriated chimp. The characters only come to life with repeated viewing and although there are many classic quotes (mainly from Harrison Ford’s Han Solo) it’s hard to sympathise with characters who when they come to speak utter nursery rhyme rhetoric.

All THINGS FLUFFY AND FLOPPY

Jar-Jar Binks is the most baneful character ever created by Lucas and his technical drones. Along with the furry Ewoks and ridiculous dwarf-like Sand People, Jar Jar represents all that is idiotic about the Star Wars saga. An unnecessary addition to an already bloated world of furry sub-species Jar-Jar represents Lucas’ most fanciful and ridiculous traits. We can only hope that a wayward blaster shot blows his fucking head off.

3

MERCHANDISING

Ever since the first Star Wars movie took over $465 million, Lucas has pilfered every merchandising opportunity known to man: from lunch boxes to lollipops. Some would say that the new trilogy of films has been one huge money spinning exercise to further line George Lucas’s pockets. The lucky fucker has netted a cool $9 billion in merchandising alone.

4

FANBOY GEEKS

Star Wars, like Star Trek, is a magnet for lonely overweight single people everywhere. That is not to say that all fans of the Star Wars odyssey are lonely obese men still living with their mothers but Lucas’ opus does breed a special kind of geekiness. The recent claim of many people that their religion of choice is actually Jedi may be suitably humourous but it does reek slightly of a love taken one dangerous step too far.

5

GEORGE LUCAS

5 R E A S O N S T O L O AT H E

2

Old fat beard himself has long left his independent spirit behind him. To credit this man as a director would be a generous proclamation. More of a visionary than a cinematic auteur, Lucas has many faults. He’s a greedy bequiffed badger for starters. The man will only distribute his films to cinemas that utilise his own surround sound system - THX. In Lucas’ world everything is in bold dollar colour green. His ambition may have advanced cinematic technology but every technical advance he takes forwards is a step backwards for raw personal lo-fi invention.

44

Film

GAIR RHYDD TOP 10 FILM SEASON I N A S S O C I AT I O N W I T H

If you don’t fancy paying for the pleasure then we at FILMDESK are here to help. We have five pairs of tickets for each screening. To win a pair of tickets to both films all you have to do is answer the following

GHOSTBUSTERS

T

he gair rhydd Top 10 Film Season continues over the next two weeks with two of the finest comedies from the canon of Bill Murray.

On MAY 24TH Bill Murray and Dan Ackroyd team up with Slimer the green ghost to kick some serious spectral behind in GHOSTBUSTERS. This is the most sublimely outrageous comedy of the eighties and showcases Bill Murray at his peak. The following week we have the philosophical comedy head swipe GROUNDHOG DAY on MAY 31ST. Forced to live the same day over and over Bill Murray faces up to his humanity and delivers the grace note performance of his comedic career.

Both films are being shown in conjunction with CARDIFF UGC CINEMAS. Both screenings are open to everyone and admission is only £3 with a valid NUS card.

GROUNDHOG DAY

question and send it to grfilmdesk@hotmail.com as soon as possible.

Q: In what other Bill Murray film classic did he befriend/battle a furry rodent?

C u l t C l a s s i c s

classics@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

45

Bringing you an array of seminal works, this week we get to the heart of what is a cult classic.

IF...

CATCHER IN THE RYE

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

Dir: Lindsay Anderson (1968)

JD Salinger (1969)

Pink Floyd

Starring: Malcolm McDowell,

Lindsay Anderson’s public school rebellion flick is part formative Tarantino and part frantic exploration of the finer, and more inhibitive, subtleties of what it means to be English and middle class. Malcom McDowell plays cheeky rebel Mick Travis who, ostracised and bullied by his stubborn refusal to conform, leads a frantic and brutally iconoclastic rebellion against the establishment.

A major contributor to the realist ‘Free Cinema’ movement of the burgeoning Sixties Anderson cut his artistic teeth as a critic at Oxford University before dismantling and examining the stoic reserve bred by such institutions. Flitting between stylistic boldness and layered with iconic moments of framing, Anderson gives free reign to his social conscience, depicted in the brilliant black and white panther dance scene and the harrowing school top massacre.McDowell as Travis is glacial pandemonium personified.

Reportedly the role that convinced Stanley Kubrick to cast him in A Clockwork Orange, McDowell scowls and mocks with zeal slowly coiling like a tightly wound spring until the surrealistic finale.

As a testament to the beleaguered optimism of its time If… buzzes with ingenuity and invention.

Anderson and McDowell, here so urgent and blisteringly essential, were never to be as good again.

Craig Driver

Penguin

This here is a book that can only be fully appreciated whilst you’re young and angry at the world. Holden Caulfield’s tirade against everything he encounters in the ‘real’ world is inch perfect. The ‘phonies’ he encounters throughout the novel are almost too real and usually apply to someone you know.

Despite being the narrator and main protagonist of the novel Holden is a classic anti-hero and merely tells us what he encounters and what he thinks of it. His classic ‘fuck you’ stance against all the people he encounters is easily understood. Even those persons who he begins to warm to hurt or anger him through their actions.

Capitol/Harvest (1973)

Holden’s bitterness and adolescent confusion with everything he confronts is an accurate portrayal of teenage life; even members of his own family don’t escape his vitriol. However, despite Holden’s anger there are moments of empathy and beauty in the novel such as when he describes his desire to be ‘The Catcher in the Rye’. His affection for his sister Phoebe and grief over his dead brother Allie help make his character complete and his actions even more comprehensible.

‘The Catcher in the Rye’ is a fantastic book which portrays the confusion and difficulties of growing up in a world which is shallow and false.

Holden Caulfield is a classic literary character and his story, which spans only a few days, is utterly absorbing.

To describe DSOTM as definitive wouldn’t even begin to do this seminal record justice. Released in 1973, Dark Side… would go on to stay in the Billboard charts for over 15 years, removed only by a change in practice that rendered it ineligible to continue to hold its position. Its popularity has been cemented throughout time, selling over half a million copies every year 32 years after its initial release, upon which it spent a mere single week on top of the Billboard charts.

The first ‘concept’ album of its kind explores how the every day strains and torments of modern life drive us all “completely fucking mad”. Making use of emerging 16track and Dolby technologies, Dark Side… is a stereo dream. Speak to Me and Breathe echo from ear to ear, before On the Run’s synthesised repetition crash into a crescendo of alarm clocks that introduce Time. A mere 12 minutes in, and the heavily textured music and subtle background sounds have already taken the listener on the most colourful and wonderful of journeys.

From here on in, the music becomes more settled. Great Gig in the Sky’s wordless, yet harrowing vocals evoke memories of suffering and loss, while Money and Us and Them drip with resentment of an overtly capitalist society. The closing Brain Damage and Eclipse bring a bleak end to this timeless classic that will prove ultimately to ring true for generations to come.

Dan Worth

Sam Coare

46

F o o d

food@gairrhydd.com

Quench 25 04 05

The delights of Welsh cuisine The Welsh are not famous for their cooking but Shell Plant takes a closer look into some local delicacies and reveals some mouth watering results.

W

hen people speak of Welsh food most think of Welsh cakes, Welsh rarebit, maybe even faggots or cockles will spring to mind. But what of Cawl? Or Bara Brith? Or Laver bread? (Otherwise known as Bara Lawr.) Welsh cooking isn’t just about leeks, cakes and cheese on toast; the rich fertile area that is the Welsh countryside makes for producing some amazing food. On this year’s St David’s day, we at Quench food are taking a closer look at some of the flavours Wales has to offer.

Welsh food’s legacy stems from ancient, Celtic traditions; it has mainly developed to satisfy the appetites of hardworking miners, farm labourers, quarry workers and fishermen.

Historically, the Welsh suffered less prosperous times and many of the traditional recipes arose out of making the most of the small amount of produce they had.

Traditionally Welsh foods include bacon, Caerphilly cheese, fish and crempog (pancakes made with buttermilk and spread with meat or fish).

The fishing industry along the west coast of Wales still thrives and fish makes up a large portion of the protein

in the Welsh diet. Herring, mackerel and cockles were the most regular catches, as well as salmon, sea trout, crab, monkfish, Dover sole and once upon a time, oysters. Although over fishing means oysters are no longer available. Also, the Gower peninsula is one of the only known places where an edible form of seaweed known as ‘laver’ is found. This seaweed is washed many times and then boiled for six hours so it can be used to make laver bread; a purée of seaweed rolled up with oats into patties and fried with bacon fat. Laver bread is known to make a highly potent hangover cure, due to its high iodine content. Laver also makes a sauce that goes well with shellfish and lobster. The laver bread is heated and whisked with orange juice, butter and mutton stock and cream. As with most Welsh recipes, the ingredients and quantities varies from cook to cook, so it’s a case of playing around until you get the texture and flavour you like.

Caerphilly cheese is a cow’s milk cheese with a soft crumbly texture and mild flavour. Originating from the town of the same name, Caerphilly cheese has become one of Wales’s best cheese exports.

Lamb, although now a produce exported globally from Wales, was once considered a treat, to be eaten only on holidays and other special occasions.

Customarily a Welsh breakfast would consist of laver bread, eggs, bacon and cockles, followed by a tea of bara brith, a fruit bread otherwise known as ‘speckled bread’ and traditionally cooked on a baking stone, as well as bara claddu, (a fruit cake), and Welsh cakes. The recipe for Welsh cakes varies considerably, as it seems to be a variation on a theme. A fierce debate rages from Welsh chefs around whether currants or sultanas improve the taste of these little cakes.

Welsh dinner time dishes include Glamorgan sausages, which are not made with pork or any other kind of red meat like ‘normal’ sausages, but are a mixture of grated cheese, breadcrumbs, herbs, chopped leeks and onions with an egg yolk to bind the mixture.

They are then served with potatoes. Faggots also differ as oatmeal is used instead of breadcrumbs, pieces of apple and liver are most commonly used to make the faggots, and as a result they are often served with apple sauce.

Cawl, a combination of broth, stew and soup, was the dish most commonly served up for dinner in south and west Wales. It would be served in basins or bowls, with bread. The recipe for Cawl is a controversial one, as it tends to be made up of any meat, vegetables and herbs the woman of the house had lying around at the time. Yet Quench Food has attempted to glean a recipe from all the Welsh recipe books and sites that have been perused for this article and believe this one is as close as you will ever get. One particular site cried against an English version of the recipe, which used beer; this is an apparent abomination and the beer can be put to better use by washing your hair. Much cheaper than all those posh shampoos as well.

In the meantime, with cheaper global exportation of foreign foods, has the heritage of Welsh food died out?

According to Paul Lane who owns the Armless Dragon Restaurant no such thing has happened, it has simply been reinvented to fit our modern lifestyles. According to Paul “due to much better local produce, the Welsh have much higher expectations as to what constitutes good food.”

At the Armless Dragon they have updated traditional dishes to fit contemporary tastes. Paul gives me the example of Laver bread, to make a more modern dish, they now add sesame and sunflower seeds and deep fry the bread.

Traditional Welsh food is also great for a poor student on a budget. “Take Cawl,” Paul notes, “throw some potatoes, cheap root vegetables and a cheap neck of lamb and you already have a flavoursome dish.”

Cawl Ingredients:

47

2lb bacon 2 carrots 2 large leeks 4 oz flour 1small suede or turnip 1lb potatoes 1 oz parsley Salt and pepper

Method:

Put the meat into the saucepan, cover with cold water, add salt and pepper and bring slowly to the boil.

Cut the carrots in half and add them as well as the suede (sliced) and the white of the leeks. Simmer gently for two hours.

Add the potatoes (cut in flour) and continue to simmer for another 30 minutes. When the potatoes are almost cooked, thicken with flour and add a little more water.

Lastly add the green of the leeks and chopped parsley and simmer for a further ten minutes. Serve in basins while still hot.

Bara Brith Ingredients:

1lb plain flour Salt 4oz granulated Sugar 4oz currants 4oz Sultanas 4oz large stoneless, raisins 4oz Lard A little chopped candied peel A pinch bakers yeast An egg

Method:

Preheat the oven to 170 centigrade, gas mark 3, 325 Fahrenheit. Mix all the dry ingredients and then mix in the egg. Put the mixture into a greased baking tin and bake for an hour, until golden brown on top.

Cheese and Leek Potato cakes Ingredients: Method: 11/2 lb potatoes Olive oil 2oz butter 4oz Emanthal cheese, grated 2oz Gorgonzola cheese, cut into pieces 2 leeks, finely chopped 3 egg yolks Salt and pepper.

Food

Peel, boil and mash the potatoes. In a frying pan, melt some of the butter and fry the leeks lightly with pepper.

Mix the mashed potatoes, leeks and cheeses with more butter, salt, and the egg yolks.

Mix well and shape into potato cakes. Heat the olive oil in a frying pan and fry the potato cakes on both sides until they are lightly browned.

48 F o o d

Natural beauty Today we have thousands of lotions and potions to choose from to try to make us more beautiful, but some of the best and unexpected options can be found in the kitchen

Home made facials: Tried and tested Are you fed up with coursework and not even allowing yourself to think about those evil summer essays and exams? Are you washed out from god knows how many ‘messy nights’ out on the town? Well if the answer to these depressing questions were not ‘yes’ for you, they certainly were for me. I decided that the only way to pick myself up again was to treat myself to some good old-fashioned girly pampering. Une probleme- my bank-balance. Cue my rather, (if I do say so myself) brave decision to actually sample those old-fashioned wife tales of home- made facial products- yes I was that low! So, you lucky Quench readers, if you bother to read what follows, you will finally know whether the folktales are true without having to go through a minging ordeal yourselves!

Avocado monster mash Mash the insides of an Avocado and apply to your face using the avocado stone to massage into your skin with small upward rotations. After a few minutes remove with warm water.

Avocado contains much Vitamin E, an ingredient to be found in the majority of over-priced skin products, which meant that it really did leave my skin feeling soft. Its smooth texture also made it easy to apply. I am not denying that it will make you look like some kind of weird, snotty monster from a low-budget horror movie,

or that it is rather icky to remove.

However, the results were fairly effective.

3/5

Honey Pot Face Pour 2tbsp of runny honey into a bowl, you may wish to add 2tsp of lime juice, but this is optional. Apply initially with circular motions, once applied, tap your skin until the honey feels sticky. After 15mins, rinse with warm water.

This may feel really disgusting at first but it is surprisingly soothing when you massage it in. I would advise (since there remain a few persistent yellow and black bastards) not to go outside whilst the honey is on your face, unless of course you are a weird, wasp-loving freak. Honey is supposed to help your skin to ‘retain moisture’ and I think this could quite possibly be true. After all, what better way is there to pass 15 minutes?

(Ahem, don’t answer that one!)

4/5

Egg Head Separate the white from the yolk and whisk the white to create a lurrrvely foam. Apply to face and wash off when it has hardened.

This was the one that I was really dreading, but I was actually pleasantly surprised. The method is quick and easy and I could really feel it tightening on my skin and…well…working!

The egg facial apparently removes

toxins from the surface of the skin and tightens the pores. I’ll have to do this more often!

5/5 (just a tad uncomfortable, plus it’s egg!)

Lemon Tower After a treatment, mix the juice of 1 lemon with a tsp of water and put on your face. The lemon will close your pores.

Bloody hell! This shit stung! I guess there is no gain without pain, but part of me could not help but wonder whether the old wife of this tale was just having a malicious laugh. Call me a wimp, but I think the only reason why I did feel slightly refreshed afterwards was because I’d got that cruel crap off of my face! I would never recommend this, but if you’ve got sensitive skin and a death wish, give it a go!

0/5 So there you have it. I got my ideas from Sophie Benge, but there are numerous good web sites including www.allthatwomenwant.com/masks. htm .

The advantage here of course is not only that these facials are cheap and require no cookery skills, but also, for once, you know exactly what crap you are putting on your face!

Debbie Green

Going Out

goingout@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

49

THE PEN & WIG

Woody beer garden: great for revision

Park Grove The Pen & Wig beer garden can be a real sun-trap. Spacious and with loads of seating, this is real sunburn territory, and these days even has outdoor pool; of the cue and balls kind, not the aquatic variety. Even if it gets a little nippy in the evenings, some tables have those really useful gas-lampheatery-thingies (great use of language from an English student).

Also worth mentioning is the barbecue on Saturday afternoons, which completes the summertime Holy Trinity of warm beer, sunstroke and charred animal flesh.

THE BLACKWEIR TAVERN Colum Road Its close proximity to Talybont means that the Blackweir garden quite frequently serves as a first-year overspill. On these occasions, it’s often got a vibrant, banter-filled atmosphere, if you’re a first-year.

If you’re a miserable fourth-year, it’s full of pains in the ass. Its location also makes it the obvious place to stop off this time of year for a drink after exams; or before, if you’re so inclined.

The patio bit round the back can be a nice place to chill out under the shade of a parasol. The area by the side of the pub, however, is more or less just a grassy lay-by, situated, as it is, right by the side of the busy Colum Road.

Best enjoyed, therefore, through a Tokyo cyclist’s oxygen mask.

INNCOGNITO Park Place This rather pokey slab seems like something of an afterthought, and doesn’t stand up alongside the plush environs of the bar inside. With a charming view of bottle skips, office buildings and parked cars, you feel as though you’re sat by a service entrance rather than anywhere that might have been purposely designed to enjoy a drink in.

Also, the patio isn’t even open until six in the evening, decapitating in one stroke the potential for sitting here and lapping up the rays.

CRWYS Crwys Road To be honest, much as I like the Crwys, sitting in its beer garden is about as exciting as listening to Bryan Robson talk about grouting a wall.

While being far from the only beer garden around here that is bereft of any actual garden, it’s more or less bereft of any decoration of character whatsoever. No more or less than a slabbed yard with bog-standard wooden benches, the best you can say about it is that at least it’s functional.

Oh, and the door has no outside handle, so always be careful not to get locked out.

THE FLORA Cathays Terrace Basically a poor man’s Pen & Wig, but it does the job. Plenty of seating – check; gets enough sun – check; total

Photo: Luke Pav ey

S

ummer’s nearly upon us, and with it the return of that bastion of student life, outdoor drinking. At this time of year, beer gardens also serve as a classic distraction from revision. With this in mind, Dave Adams cracked out the shorts and passed a few lazy hours in the company of your friends and ours, Messrs Warm Beer and Work Dodge...

absence of grass – check.

Don’t know what else to tell you really; I’ve got nicely pissed and sunburnt here a couple of times in the past, so at least I can promise you it’s road-tested.

THE TAVISTOCK Bedford Street Providing you don’t mind HUGE dogs slavering behind a worryingly flimsy wooden fence, the Tav beer garden is a pleasant place to be. It also has the dubious honour of being the only pub featured that has a beer garden with grass. The more you drink, the more appealing the kids’ climbing frame (with slide) becomes.

Thankfully they’ve installed state of the art ‘wood-bark’ collision protection beneath, to cushion the inevitable impact of your soft heads.

James Anthony

THE WOODVILLE Woodville Road Always busy on sunny evenings, so unless you get in not long after Neighbours o’clock you can often struggle to get a seat. Also, its Colditz-style high walls succeed in actually keeping much of the sun out; so if you pick a bad spot you run the risk of being left in the cold, bewildered and shivering like a fat child who fell into an icy pond.

So, to get a seat and a decent shot at a tan, I’d say it’s probably best to set up camp here around midday, hardly responsible advice at revision time. Or is it just the excuse you’ve been looking for?

Televizzle

tv@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

Dail-lightful

Tu n n e l V ision

By Will Dean Television Editor

Deeply Dippy

I

TV have made a lot of the fact that, gasp, they're actually showing some factual programming on their dire network. Perched just before the televisual turnip that is Celebrity Love Island, Deep Jungle follows a group of scientists as they trawl the jungles of Sumatra, Costa Rica, Borneo and Um Bongo.

Using snazzy technology and more guts than I will ever have, they chase deadly amphibians, rare tigers and moon-dancing birds. My personal favourite was the 'flying snake', which, by any account, was surely just an ordinary snake falling out of a tree. Isn't that like saying Rod Hull was a flying Rod Hull?

Unlike 98% of ITV's output Deep Jungle is genuinely interesting and is at least worth sitting through while you wait to see if Lee Sharpe got off with Victoria Hervey.

A

lthough Blighty has the advantage of the cream of US television (hello Housewives, Scrubs etc.) there are occasionally formats that don't work on our side of the Atlantic. Case in point is Comedy Central's wonderful Daily Show.

Admittedly we have little need for a satirical American current affairs programme, but thanks to the wonders of the world wide interweb you can now catch The Daily Show online. Presented by Jon Stewart (whom you may remember from Adam Sandler's Big Daddy) The Daily Show is part satire, part chat show. When the news is as ridiculous as recent plans by Florida governor "JEBEDIAH BOOOOOSH" to make gun use legal when someone is approaching you 'threateningly', you don't have much trouble satirising the news. It satirises itself.

Despite its late night cable scheduling, The Daily Show was recently named as one of the top sources for election news by young people in to the 2004 election, and Mr. Stewart was named one of Rolling Stone's 2004 people of the year. Score. It's a shame we don't have our own equivalent of Stewart. Rory Bremner is about the closest thing we get, and despite his undisputed greatness, how many teenagers stay in on Sunday nights to watch Bremner, Bird and Fortune? Catch the headlines from The Daily Show at www.comedycentral.com/dailyshow

A falling snake is a ‘flying snake’?

Does that mean Rod Hull was a ‘flying Rod JON STEWART: Boss(er)

51

Toss-wagons

T

he animated version of Jon Link and Mick Bunnage's Modern Toss cartoons kicked off on Comedy Lab last week.

Despite the Nathan Barley-ish name (and website for that matter – ladies and gents welcome to shitflap.com), this motley bunch of 2D horrors still provided some belting late night laughs.

It features characters such as Andy – an ink blot with ‘issues’, 'Prince Edward' – an chirpy entrepreneur who flogs Royal Bloopers DVDs ("I'll throw in video of the Queen watching Eastenders and eating a biscuit"), the outdoor TV watcher and, most brilliantly, Mr. Tourette, Master Signwriter, who responds to requests to paint a sign on a kennel by putting the decapitated head of a Labrador on a stick.

Yes, it's a bit surreal, but herein lies its brilliance. Hints of an Adam and Joe influence are confirmed by the sighting of Joe Cornish's name in the credits and the spitting contest with deadpan commentary brings back the joy of Big Train's staring contests. Expect to see more from the Modern, erm, Tossers.

MR TOURETTE: Tosser

Sport

sport@gairrhydd.com

Quench 23 05 05

53

Grounds for dismissal Thom Airs mourns the decline of the traditional British football ground

A

fter 93 years of service, Swansea City said farewell to their Vetch Field ground a fortnight ago. Next season, the Swans will run out at their new, 20,000 capacity, all-seater stadium at Morfa, as the Football League welcomes another plastic and concrete arena to its ranks.

Identikit, out-of-town football stadiums at places such as Wigan, Darlington and Reading have replaced the traditional British football ground since the Taylor report pushed for the introduction of seated stands.

As the recent memorial service for those killed in the Valley Parade fire at Bradford showed, old stadiums may have been potentially dangerous, but their character is irreplaceable. At Luton’s traditional Kenilworth Road, away fans enter the ground through what is ostensibly a turnstile wedged inside a terraced house. At Chesterfield’s Saltergate ground there are uncovered toilets, and at Wigan’s old Springfield Park, there was even a grassy bank for a terrace. There is more to watching football than the 90 minutes of action and these quirks and oddities make the experience complete.

Increasingly, if you’ve been to one new ground, you’ve been to them all. For every visionary Reebok Stadium there are a dozen Kassam Stadiums, and for every McAlpine Stadium there are numerous Williamson Motors Stadiums.

Even successful redevelopments at places like Bolton and Huddersfield lack a certain pre-match buzz.

There’s the distinct whiff of plastic seats, plastic pies and a general lack of the wood-and-iron reality of proper football venues At the Vetch and even at Highbury, a network of residential roads funnel supporters towards grounds that rise up seemingly out of nowhere. There is, within the bustle of town-based grounds, a more palpable sense of the true football experience. Inside modern grounds, plasticity reigns. There’s the distinct whiff of plastic seats, plastic pies and a general lack of the wood-and-iron reality of proper football venues. Add to this the cur-

HOW IT SHOULD BE: Watching football from the terraces is an institution

rent trend for situating the stands in a different postcode from the pitch, making it almost impossible to identify individual players in the distance, and you get a pretty wretched day out.

Hillsborough was a true tragedy which left a mark on football forever, but the post-Taylor Report rush to carpet plastic seats over the nation’s terraces has ripped the soul from football grounds, arguably without creating a safer environment. Undeniably, all-seater stadiums reduce over-crowding and improved stewarding has increased crowd safety, but watching football from the confines of a tiny sliver of moulded plastic is neither fun nor safe.

Celebrating a goal on the relatively obstruction-free plains of a British terrace is an exercise in unbounded joy, whereas the smallest hint of a reaction to a dodgy offside decision while sitting in a plastic arena can result in bruised shins as you scrape against the seat in front.

The Safe-Standing Campaign, which is lobbying for the inclusion of standing areas in future stadiums, counts Tony Blair and former Sports Minister Kate Hoey amongst its supporters and in Germany, where World Cup 2006 will take place, new stadiums have specially designated standing areas. Advances in safety since the Taylor Report have allowed for safe standing in Germany and now fans of clubs like Swindon and West Ham are calling for terraced areas in proposed redevelopments.

Preserving and reinstating terraces alone will not halt football’s slide into anodine, lifeless stadiums, but I’d rather watch football standing up, jostling for position in a mass of fans, than perched on a slice of flipup, wipe-clean modernity.

I like the way you always check out...

Quench 23 05 05

Vinyl

Resting

with Bastian Springs

55

Place

I

am without theme this week. Last week’s was an excursion towards the charts and I was too busy going to Alton Towers to think much further than the current no. 1, Akon and no. 2, Tony Christie, and one of them was a joke that I’d heard in the pub. Add the fact that whoever cut and pasted what I’d written failed to correct “Tony Kay” to “Tony Christie” and “Album Camus” to “Albert Camus” and you have quite an insight into amateur journalism. So here’s another. There were a few close contenders I considered this week, like that fucking “I see girls, here there and everywhere” tripe that sounds like George Formby, or that hideous N-trance reworking of Thomas house classic “So Much Love to Give” but our body-rocking shell-shocking cock-dropBy Bastian Springs Bangalters ping knob-jocking dance-popping friends had that angle more than completely nailed.

Boa-selecter.

Record #9 - Bodyrockers - I Like The Way You Move Crime: Sounding like INXS

A

s a student of Linguistics, it’s often in my compulsive nature to study the lyrics of songs to unearth what hidden agendae and covert meanings lie between our favourite warblings. This time around, words are literally failing me.

“I like the way you clap your hands” gurns pig-ugly Michael Hutchence impersonator Dylan Burns, frontman. Good to see the average retard isn’t

immune to a bit of Burns-love.

“I like the way you stare so much” he adds, making sure his submissive intentions regarding the blind too. Best of all, “I like the way you always get it wrong”, so too anyone who’s thick as mammoth shit and doesn’t know the difference between a hair dryer and a blowtorch. The chorus, which my calculations estimate at taking three seconds to write, slimes six sim-

ple words: “I like the way you move!” One wonders how a retarded blind clapping person with three degree burns on their face might “move” exactly, but if they’re getting their groove on to this subFlashdance two-chord sleazebag gash, then I’d hazard a guess that it’s not going to light up Wade Robson’s project, or even the dining room of your local institute. The Bodyrockers, meanwhile, are

Bodyrockers: Cock Rockers more like

Record #10 - Manic Street Preachers - This is Yesterday Crime: Power ballad killed the angst-ridden star

Manics: Holy Shit

I

could fill this column up with embarassing extracts from my diary when aged 17 regarding my short-lived but credibility destroying obsession with The Holy Bible by the Manic Street Preachers. I’ll spare you (and myself) the blushes.

Instead, let’s skip straight to track ten, This is Yesterday, the song that plugs the gap between the riotous Faster and doubleydoubley riotous Die in the Summertime. The effect is not all that unlike placing a slice of processed dog turd inbetween two pieces of cin-

namon-toasted raisin bread.

It beggars belief how such a sorry soundalike for Phyllis Nelson’s eighties dirge Move Closer, with cranium rotting GCSE metaphors like “duhh the houses are ruins and your gardens are weeds,” which were probably written when Richey was out having a piss. What’s worse is that the song isn’t so much a sore thumb, but a sore mouth, anus and memory with the amount of ass licking cringing going on compared to the rest of the album’s vitriolic anarchy. I know people who think this

is the best Manic Street Preachers song. What, are they mad? Or is it because it’s the only thing that resembles a ballad and therefore crying must ensue? On a personal note, when I was in my late teens, I used to write Manics lyrics on my notebook, drink neat vodka outdoors in graveyards, bought a leopard print shirt, read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, spraypainted a charity shop shirt, joined countless internet sites and lived in chat rooms called Archivesofpain. But I never, never once stooped to liking this rubbish.

Who’s up next week? Nelly featuring Spandau Ballet? KT Tunstall? Jem? Slade? Until then, rest in peace xxx Challenge Bastian to a ‘who knows more about shit music duel’... bastian@gairrhydd.com

06

Debate

Mushr r ooms

Magic or Ming?

MAGIC Dr. Matthew

D

espite being reasonably unnattractive, mushrooms (champignons) have been famous for quite a long time. Once they were even in a film called Fantasia, and were indeed metaphysically substituted for a lotus plant in one of The Odyssey’s metaphorical interpretations of pre-postmodern societal interactivity.

Mushroooooms (champignons) have a funny translation in all languages, and come in all manner of exciting shapes and colours. Sometimes, people eat mushrooms for all the wrong reasons and then turn into maniacs. Other times, people comprehend that ‘mushroom’ as a word is even funnier when said as ‘mushmoom’.

Not only are mushrooms (champignons, mushmooms) completely edible in anything from risottos to bolognaise, they also offer significantly useful proteins and a thrilling lesson in knife skill (you can can cut them into literally seventeen different shapes, sizes and even optimise them to reduce in a swift and brutal manner). Don’t ever be put off by a suspected lack of vitamins because no-one’s ever proven otherwise; not least nutritionists, and always remember that mushrooms can be used genuinely for most things, especially beating tomato sauces up.

Mushrooms (champignons, mushmooms, protein benefactors) are better than all other vegetables because even vegans can eat them. They smell nice, fry well and work best when having frivolous, wild and unprotected sex with garlic butter. If you’re bored you can eat them raw, throw them at people and strategically leave them in peoples’ rooms to rot, fester and cultivate entire populaces of mushroom dwellling bacteria that can destroy rats, mice and those moths that frighten you when you’re in bed because you think they’re going to lodge themselves in your ear.

Better than carrots, broccoli and peppers because they have a better name, mushrooms (champignons, mushmooms, protein benefactors, olive oil companions) are winning vegetables, and should be used excessively.

And they taste nice.

M

MING Shell Plant

ushrooms and I don’t get on. I do not see how anybody can find something so colourless, tasteless, slug like and slimy, appealing. Just the irritating, lingering, putrid smell of them makes me want to vomit.

It’s so annoying how they end up in everything as well, chicken sauces, pasta sauces, beef dishes, curry. I’m afraid to go into restaurants sometimes because they have so few non-mushroom items on the menu. It’s like the chef has thought, ‘we need some cheap tasteless filler in this dish. I know, let’s chuck in some mushrooms.’ It’s also damn fustrating that they are always chopped up extra small so even anally retentative people such as myself cannot pick them out successfully.

Contrary to popular belief the little buggers don’t hold that much nutritional value either. They are, what we in health circles call, a ‘useless vegetable,’ with not nearly as much vitamin A and C, folic acid, potassium, iron and calcium as other more colourful and tasty vegetables, such as tomatoes, broccoli, carrots and peppers. Also, these vegetable relations are far more aestheticly pleasing. With their bright oranges, greens and reds to brighten up your plate and your palate, they conjour up images of Italian vineyards, blue waters and sunny skies.

Mushrooms on the other hand resemble a grey rainy day in Cardiff’s Cathays, on a rubbish collection day. How depressing.

Sufferers of eczema and athletes foot have yet another reason to avoid mushrooms. As a fungi, mushrooms harbour much of the yeast that helps such nasty little infections breed, so cut them out of your diet, right now.

(I would advise you to cut out truffles as well, as they are a similar minging fungi thing, but as you are all poor students, I doubt you have even seen a truffle, let alone been able to eat them on a regular basis.)

So it seems mushrooms are not only absolutely disgusting to eat, or be within ten yards of, they are also nutritional zeros. I wouldn’t even count them in your fruit and vegetable portion.