Quench - Issue 27

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I NTERVIEWS FASHION B OOKS - D IGITAL - F ILM -

G AY A RTS

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T RAVEL M USIC F OOD - G OING O UT

EMAP T EN ST U D N

PUBL

IC AT IO

OF EAR E TH Y

Backpacker

Fashion Pages

Glastonbury

So Fresh, n a e l c o S

Nine Black Alps

Welcome to Cardiff, y o u ’ re g o n n a l o v e i t

Contents Cardiff University

04 06 07 08 12 15 16 18 20 26 35 32 34 36 38 39

quench@gairrhydd.com

Best Student Publication 2005

Best Student Magazine Runner Up 2004

OTP: Flogging a dead horse Mr Chuffy: Sunshine, moonlight, good times Debate: Freshers’ a daisy Interviews: Ten White Fens Features: More jigging than Jay-Z Fashion: Yellower than George Best’s liver Food: Not healthier than Keith Richards Travel: Celebrity (en)trails Music: Swimming at Glastonbury Film: ALL N E W LOOK!

But, you can’t polish a turd

Cult Classics: Existential crisis Arts: Join the Viet-Conga line to New Theatre Books: More pages than a celebrity wedding Going Out: Union life is rubbish TV: The living daytime Bastian Springs: ‘Cos I got hives

Editor Will Dean Executive editor Tom Wellingham Arts Kim O’Connor Books James Skinner Columnists Bastian Springs, TV John Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Helen Rathbone Digital M.I.A Fashion Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker Features Kerry Lynne-Doyle, Hannah Perry Film Catherine Gee, Ryan Owen Food Sian Hughes Gay James Emtage Going Out Lisa O’Brien Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Himself Music Sam Coare, Harold Shiel, Greg Cochrane One Trick Pony Geordie Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson Travel Bec Storey, Amy Harrison Contributors Bethany Whiteside, Colm Loughlin, Alys Southwood, Frances Mooney, Ewan Hosie Photographers and illustrators Will Dean, Tim Cochrane Proof readers John Widdop, Chris White, Matt Turtle Cover design Will Dean Thoughts of the week: “What does Patrick Bateman use to choose his victims?... A ho-bo selecta.” “If my balls could talk they’d have nothing to say” (thanks for that Harry)

Quench 05 09 05

03

QED FOR THOSE OF you lucky enough to be blessed with an efficient postman, a door with a hole in it and an offer to study at Cardiff’s very own Cardiff University I extend a warm hand and say “Welcome”. This is Quench, you are newbies and I, my dears, am William. Nice to meet you.

Before we start with the usual pleasantries about how great being a student is (i.e. spraining your ankle in a shopping trolley then vomitting) I invite you to think for a minute about how this magazine has resolved to find its merry way onto your porch floor.

Well yes, obviously a team of crack journalists here in Cardiff have toiled day and night to produce this Award-Winning Publication™, but aside from that, how on earth did you end up en-route to our fine little city?

Tiny twists of fate have dictated how we did in exams, which schools we went to, where we live and why we ended up in the thickies class for chemistry. Every tiny facet of our lives has led to the moment when you will soon wave your dearparents goodbye and enter Big World.

But relax, it doesn’t stop there. I only managed to bungle my way into here because my mate in Oldham left his Cardiff prospectus on the train. Only got involved with gair rhydd because a new friend dragged me up to the offices because she was too scared. And only got trusted with responsibilty because the only person I knew here was elected editor last year. Funny eh?

Anyway the (laboured) point I’m trying to make is that university and all the Oranjeboom-fuelled trappings that come with it, isn’t just an expensive social experiment. You’re not just here to learn, you’re here to learn. Teach yourself how to cook, meet people (not just your housemates) and take up a new sport (octo-push perhaps). Do something.

Unless you do one of those real degrees I’ve heard a lot about (medicine? Pah), then you have an excuse.

Tempted? No. Well come and write for Quench then. Meetings 5.15 Mondays, 4th Floor Students’ Union. See you there, bucko.

04

One Trick Pony

Quench 05 09 05

Please Like Me

L

becomes less and less frequent, and ooking back to four years ago: as they all still see each other all the Iraq hadn’t been invaded, time due to an emigration en masse Beckham was still at Man Utd, to the same, local, university - or the PM was opposing ID cards none - the conversation becomes rather than espousing the odious strained and the dynamic is different idea, 9/11 hadn’t (quite) happened – somehow wrong. and I hadn’t started university. Now And you get to know your I hardly remember anynew university friends betthing but studentdom. ter and one day you realise I do remember, and that they’ve become a subquite clearly, that shortly stitution for the old ones, before departing the North most of whom you just East an elderly aunt-type don’t give much of a toss wished me luck in my about any more.

‘New Life’. My response Ah, the university friends. was that wry, slightly patronising smile reserved WARNING YOU People do some funny things when they first get for old people that just put in a flat with a load of strangers. can’t shake the odour of urine and Freshers: when you move into halls are clearly talking rubbish. "New life?", thought I, employing the age-old and meet the people you’ll be living with for the year, for the love of God ‘smile-and-nod’ to indulge her continued nonsense, "Behave. I’ll be back in don’t try to start an ‘interesting’ conthree years, and nothing will have real- versation by asking them the same clichéd three questions that every ly changed". other moron with a term’s supply of I was wrong. Things changed in Pots Noodle will invariably choose as ways that, as a know-it-some of 18 their opening gambit: ‘Where are you years, I couldn’t have fathomed. from?’, ‘What course are you doing?’

Communication with old friends

GEORDIE

and ‘What A-levels did you do?’ What A-levels did I do? Do you actually care? I don’t care what you did.

For the record, I did Physics, Maths and Geography. Feel like you know me any better after that revelation?

Thought not. Try asking something that little bit different. Like whether they’ve ever played ‘soggy biscuit’, their views on immigrants, or do they have a sister, and would they mind if you shagged her?

Ask your new flatmates if they’ve ever played ‘Soggy Biscuit’ Better yet – and certainly if you have nothing sensible to say – just shut up. The quality of a relationship can often be revealed by how comfortable you are to sit in silence. By staying quiet you might create a false and premature sense of closeness, and bond more easily. And if you throw in that noblest of art forms, mime, hilarity will ensue. !

(Overrated) Weblogs can be divided, in an admittedly simplistic way, into two categories: those that are read, and those that are not. Those that are largely ignored are fine there’s no harm in talking to yourself. The problem with the ones that people read, is that people read them. And you start bearing in mind who might see what you’ve posted. Writing is cathartic, but when wanting to express annoyance involving people known to read your blog, demons are necessarily left unexorcised, leading ultimately to frustration. I’m not talking about ‘flaming’ friends and family for all the web to see. Just that sometimes it’s better to retain a casual air rather than admitting to being pissed off. But then as quite a private man, I have trouble baring my innermost anyway. So stop reading over my shoulder while I’m working, please. That’s why I only ever write this nonsense or political opinion rather ( Blogging ) than anything personal. Also overrated: Job interviews, tax.

Writing could possibly be the most fun you can have with clothes and without chemicals. ( Writing for Quench ) Seeing cutouts from One Trick Pony pinned up in postgrads’ offices or on someone’s living room wall during the end-of-year househunt is particularly pleasing. So I was very disappointed with the lack of response to a request for another columnist for this section, so I’ve got to fill two pages by my self. Still. With the sheer number of people that attend Quench meetings (5.15pm on Mondays, kids) I expected at least a handful of responses. I got none. But then, writing a regular column doesn’t get you free stuff like all the CDs and film screenings the magazine’s reviewers blag on a weekly basis. Fucking vultures.

Also underrated: Work experience girls, drinking on the job, rice cakes.

(Underrated)

L e g e n d

OTP

5

p o p V O X lture cu

B

oris is that rare and precious thing: a Tory that talks sense. The only Tory that talks sense? Probably. And as a journalist, his column in the Telegraph and his own Spectator always combine eloquent elucidation of a given topic, outspoken commentary and humorous anecdote, without ever taking himself too seriously.

I often demonise the Conservative party. But were Boris leader, I might be persuaded to put away my prejudices and give them a fair hearing.

Maybe, just maybe, even a vote.

Sadly, Mr Johnson has lended his full support to another candidate in the leadership race, which, combined with some remarks about Liverpool that the city took badly (even though they were mostly true), means that he is unlikely to be contesting the PM slot with Mr Blair any time soon.

In all probability, he’ll never lead the Conservative party, for precisely the same reason that Tony Benn never became leader of the Labour party: he’s just too damn clever.

The people of this country - the ordinary people, and Tory members in particular - just can’t relate to that.

T o s s e r

M

indless action films, the rewriting of history to make America look as little like complete gits as possible, Will ‘Omnipresent’ Ferrell (Feral?) in excess and the surreptitious advert for Mastercard cleverly inserted into The Fantastic Four are all just about forgiveable. But the endless succession of remakes? Come on, guys, have a bit of originality.

Writing a new film can’t be that hard. And unless a remake is going to bring something genuinely new and different - and that doesn’t mean better special effects or relocating it to the US - then it is, by and large, pointless (i.e. produced entirely for the vast sums of money that will inevitably be made).

As for the people hired to star in the inane, remade drivel... unless it’s on the end of fishing line and into a very large river, Jessica ‘Grandpa’ Simpson should not be cast for anything, ever, and whoever did so for The Dukes of Hazzard should be taken out the back of the film studio and vigorously flogged ‘special’.

She’s not even qualified to play inbred hick-type characters such as Daisy Duke, primarily because however morbidly stupid they may be, they’d still make her look like Einstein on smart pills.

Vox Pop-Culture delves into the murky world of your culture collections... this week Will Dean, 20, Journalism

FIRST AND WORST CD The first CD I was given was the soundtrack to The Lion King, a good choice. The worst has to be Will Smith’s Big Willy Style which I bought as an impressionable 14 year-old trying to fit in. Shame.

BESTEST BOOK Since about 1996 I must have read each book of the Adrian Mole series by Sue Townsend about 1523 times each. Very clever and even funnier.

THE LAST FILM I WENT TO SEE WAS...

Tim Burton’s rather good remake of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.

It inspired me more than it ought to - one day I will write The Great Children’s Novel. Or something.

FAVOURITE TELLY The cricket has been pretty captivating this summer, but I normally watch DVDs of shows like Black Books, The Day Today and Seinfeld IF I WAS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER I’D BE...

Brian from Family Guy. A little cynical, a bit funny and generally bemused by his surroundings THE ONE PIECE OF POP CULTURE I COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT The Arcade Fire’s Funeral, has, over the last six months, become a daily treat only to be replaced by Sufjan Stevens’ flabbergastingly good Illinois.

VOX POP-CULTURE NEEDS YOU!

Look out for us on the Union steps armed with nought but a dictaphone and camera.

Get thinking!

6 OTP

WARNING

This article contains material of a satircal nature which stupid people may find incomprehensible. The content may incite outrage in readers of the Daily Mail. Those of a sensitive disposition who are easily offended should come back when they’ve got a sense of humour.

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

T

The smack-addled offspring of innocence: blame

he scene is well versed. A shattered shell. A wall toppled from.

Humpty scrambled. The Sovereign’s militia assist. But… were all the King’s horses and all the King’s men thoroughly trained in manual handling? Was the wall a sufficiently robust structure for embryo sitting? WHAT IF HUMPTY HAD AIDS?! Compo is no longer a wrinkled stocking-lusting star of Last of the Summer Wine but a cancerous culture engulfing Blighty. It’s Sartre on acid: this culture is the blame culture.

The first evidence of blame dates back to 5000BC in the Dolomite mountain range (Grammar Editor: there should be punctuation here but it was a suicide comma) where archaeological necrophiliacs recently unearthed the frozen remains of early man.

The homoerectus had tripped over an alpine llama and grazed his knee; desired retribution was etched upon

COMPO: Don’t stop till you get enough

his chimp-like features, with their altercation frozen in time like some crazy thing.

Once thawed, the highly vexed Neanderthal called 0800 P-A-R-A-S-I-TE and spoke to a highly trained legal advisor who offered representation on a very competitive no-win-no-fee basis.

Even the evolved monkey could not have foreseen the sociological implications of his fracas. The costly payouts from increased litigation have led to many out of court settlements.

Many courts are in London, consequently numerous satellite towns surrounding the capital are given as compensation.

Last month Mrs Weasley of Whitby received Gillingham as recompense for a bucket falling on her head. Once in full ownership, Weasley evicted all residents of the town and planted turnips.

The compensation merry-go-round is threatening to undermine the War on Terror™. US snipers in Iraq have been instructed to miss assailants following a legal advertisement broadcast on al-Jazeera television with the slogan “where there’s maim there’s a claim”.

The ad claims that a lost limb could earn up to 150,000 Iraqi Occupation Dollars (approximately 73 pence). Senior Pentagon officials believe that civilians may have been deliberately walking into bullets in an attempt to earn an easy buck.

Additional complications have arisen in Britain with ceramic extremists recently releasing a large male cow into a china shop. The ruling Executive have cut short their summer recess to debate whether blame should be attributed to the bull (which the tabloid press suggest may have been an asylum-seeking gypsy recidivist with several ASBOs and a history of calf abuse) or the porcelain obsessed ideology.

The civil court is becoming anything but. In a 2004 defamation case, the Forest of Dean sought compensation from Tom Hanks for his portrayal of forests in the hit 1993

motion picture Forrest Gump.

The plaintiff Dean, sought two pairs of women’s underwear as recompense, claiming his brethren had become intrinsically associated with prematurely ‘ruining sheets’ and ‘being shot in the buttocks’. The judge however ruled in favour of defendant Hanks, decreeing that two thongs don’t make a right.

Perpetually innocent court veteran Michael Jackson could again be the target of financial leeches. Having listened to hit Jackson track Man in the Mirror, redneck Colon Reachround claims that his reflection interfered with his nine-year old self through the medium of dance.

The redneck claims his reflection interfered with his nine-year-old self through the medium of dance Reachround, now a 32-year old unemployed yodeller, only recently recalled the event following a disturbing visit to his local pig farm. When questioned about the incident Jackson denied culpability, suggesting that Reachround should blame it on the boogie.

It’s PC gone mad. Tectonic plates are being renamed due to the flagrant admission of guilt, with the San Andreas Fault retitled as the ‘San Andreas You- Use-This-Tectonic-PlateAt-Your-Own-Risk’. And even the Wimbledon tennis finals were conducted in a court. Will reason ever be resumed? Yes. In New Zealand restorative justice employed through Maori tribal law dictates that a defendant and plaintiff must sit together in a war canoe until all the blame has evaporated. If blame remains after four days both are killed.

This blameless resolution is currently being trialled across all UK Butlins Holiday resorts. There are no war canoes so bingo halls are being utilised. The results of the pilot are expected in the autumn. ! Mr Chuffy

Debate

debate@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

7

Freshers’ Week...

All its cracked up to be?

Two third-years fight it out

Against Frances Mooney

For Helen Rathbone

H

T

The sprightly young things known to us as ‘freshers’ will all be having a fantastic boozed up time full of lairiness and maybe a little naughtiness, but that is what it’s about.

Meanwhile the rest of us will look on through tinted green glasses knowing that our time for such extrravagance and adventure has been and gone.

You have just met your flatmates, an odd assortment of people thrown together by a computer. You want to go out, and you know that this is expected of you, but where do you go? In unfamiliar territory with your "new best friends" you end up in the kind of place that you would never step foot in at home. On these nights out you are surrounded by other misplaced individuals who traipse around after one another like lost sheep, pretending to have a good time.

ow can anyone be against freshers’ week is what I want to know. Those of you who are have surely got to be cynical second years, or weary third years, jealous of fresh faced first years who still have the stamina to go out and have a good time - am I right?

Some might argue that freshers’ week is overhyped and overpriced resulting in empty pockets, poorly heads, and bloated beer bellies, but for me that is the beauty of it.

hink back to arriving at university. The anticipation of life without restrictions from parents and teachers. A place where ‘crazy’ things happen and it all starts with freshers’ week. But think about it, was your first week at university all it was hyped up to be?

“Loans are there to be spent... its an opportunity not to be missed”

“you are paying to be crammed into the union like four rugby players into a mini” Money spent throughout freshers’ week may well reduce one’s cash flow but it is merely being placed in an alternative and more secure account - the memory bank. Well, that’s the excuse I have perfected throughout my time at university when quizzed by my parents about finances. It works a treat, trust me.

There is no doubt that you will leave Cardiff with many a happy memory, so why not set the ball rolling and start as you mean to go on? Loans are there to be spent, so invest in a week that will set the tone for the rest of your time at uni. A chance to forge new friendships that will last a lifetime, and explore the surrounding environment before lectures begin.

Throwing yourself full-throttle into the feast that is freshers’ week - it’s an opportunity not to be missed. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Go out and make the most of it while you can. Spend lots, drink lots and have the time of your life.

Next on the agenda is the Freshers’ Ball. The so-called “highlight” of freshers’ week. This not only costs more than your entire weekly beer budget, but you are paying to queue at the bar all night, and to be crammed into the union like four rugby players into a mini.

In my opinion Freshers can be divided into two types.

There are those who want to keep their head down and hide the fact that they are first-years in order to keep attention away from themselves and avoid looking foolish. Then there are the opposite kind, who wander around under the freshers’ spotlight, wanting everyone to like them, yet fail miserably and achieve the opposite.

Freshers’ week is overrated and built up to be much more than it really is. Despite what people say, all is not lost if your first week is a flop. In the end everyone ends up being the person they always have been and finds those people and places that suit their personality

If you have anything that you feel passionately about, and need a good ol’ fashioned rant then why not try your hand at writing for Debate. All ideas are welcome so don’t hesitate to email any suggestions, within reason of course.

Articles should be between 250-300 words in length, look forward to hearing from you my eager beavers. Enjoy, Freshers!

8

Interviews

interviews@gairrhydd.com

05 09 05

Nine Black Alps After the release of their debut album and a singer stricken by mumps, Colm Loughlin talks to one of Manchester’s punkier music exports

N

ine Black Alps have a simple manifesto: “Not to suck”, says David (Jones, guitar) “and that’s it”. Not sucking seems a pretty good approach to me.

I’m talking to half of Nine Black Alps, David and James (Galley, drums).

Lead singer Sam Forrest has recovered from his bout of mumps that meant they to cancel their May tour dates.

They were well received in Cardiff’s Barfly last October, which, given their impending biggerness, was probably their last club tour.

The band are named after a line in an unfinished Sylvia Plaith poem, why?

They laugh and look at each other knowingly, James: “um, she’s dead good”.

The name is probably more reflective of the speed of their assent (first gigs late in 2003, first record company interest in early 2004) than their poetry chops; “The only reason we got this name is ‘cause we had six hours to come up with one” explains David. A demo was about to be reviewed in the local Manchester press and they couldn’t very well be a band with no name.

Their debut album Everything is Now was recorded in LA with producer Rob Schnapf (the Vines and Beck associate amongst others), and has been received well, mumps or not.

James shrugs: “The album sounds pretty live, it’s just like us on a very good day. We didn’t over-think what we’d do. We spent a lot of time getting sounds right. Nothing was over-produced. We just went and recorded it”

“There’s a point after about half an hour, though, when they’re still staring and stood next to you, it gets a bit disturbing” What do NBA like to listen to?

David ponders; “Uh, Sonic Youth, Neil Young, Radiohead, My Morning

NINE BLACK ALPS: (L-R) Sam, David, James and Martin Jacket”, but he’s quick to point out each member has very different taste.

How does this come together when they’re writing? “It just means we’re not all stealing from the same barrel.”

David laughs.

Being a handsome and hyped band must inspire the odd obsessive fan? David shrugs, “Yeah a few, they mainly phone you up and freak you out with weird voices, know everything about you, know where you’re gonna be in three days and who you’re gonna be with. If you’re going up to someone you don’t know and saying ‘hello’ it can be a bit…”

So what about people coming up and saying ‘that was a good gig’?

James starts, “Oh no, that’s good”.

David continues, “I do that to bands too. There’s a point after about half an hour, though, when they’re still staring

and stood next to you, it gets a bit disturbing” So if you like NBA, remember to take it easy.

NBA have self belief, but won’t be drawn on whether or not they can be the best band in the world. “I don’t wanna say that” David admits. “I think that’s, like, for other people to decide” James continues. David pauses, “I think if you’re claiming to be the best band in the world you’re gonna be very disappointed. There’s a difference between being self confident, which we are, and blowing your own trumpet” No gigs for Cardiff have been posted as yet, but with dates throughout the summer we should hope to see them back on the wave of their album success soon.

Nine Black Alps’ debut album Everything is Now is out now.

Fforde focus

Interviews 9

The Big Over Easy has been troubling bestseller lists all summer - Alys Southwood met its author, Jasper Ffo rde, a fter a reading in the Bay

Below left: JASPER FFORDE, cult novelist and sex-icon (apparently)

J

“

vanity. In some ways she's based on the pioneering women aviators, like Amelia Earhart. They were in a maledominated world and they achieved some amazing feats." He's certainly succeeded there.

Critics inevitably refer to the genredefying nature of the Next series: part crime, part fantasy, all fun. Asked to define his readership he says "I think of them as books for people who like story-telling. They're a celebration of stories, really. They have fun with the classics." Indeed, Something Rotten, his most recent book in the Thursday Next series, and the one he read from at this event, introduces Hamlet as a character, wracked by indecision at his varied rendering by ‘Outworld’ critics.

He also encourages others to pursue this playful re-interpretation of literature: his website, includes tribute work from fans who have resurrected their own favourite characters from fiction.

Fforde’s most recent work, The Big Over Easy, moves away from the Next series, but retains its frivolous sense of humour. It is a murder-mystery tale of nursery rhyme subterfuge, which showcases Fforde’s ability to play with popular references and yet enthral his audience with intricate and inter-laced plot.

“

asper Fforde is the freshest face in fantasy. Often described as the next Terry Pratchett he has created an alternate bibliophilic world (albeit geographically identical to our own, unlike the Discworld) as the backdrop for his hilarious novels.

For example, Wales features in Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series, but as the ‘Socialist Republic of Wales’: the holiday destination where 'it doesn't rain every day'. On the day he came to Cardiff to read from the latest book in the series, Something Rotten, this was true. Well, it didn't rain, but it poured. We met up with Jasper after his reading and squelched to a nearby café for the interview.

Thursday Next is an unconventional heroine in an unusual variant of our world. She works as a Literatec, responsible for policing literature in a world where counterfeit Shakespearesmuggling is rife. The Crimean War is still raging on the continent and a large malevolent company called Goliath (a cynical take on the Microsoft-esque world we live in) has a worrying monopoly on the economy.

Relations with the afore-mentioned Socialist Republic of Wales are strained at best.

The first of the series, The Eyre Affair, sees Thursday entering Jane Eyre to save Jane from being murdered by the third most evil being in the world. Throughout the series we encounter Miss Havisham, the Red Queen and Miss Tiggy-Winkle, among others, as she literally enters the world of books.

Not quite your average read then?

He hopes not. "I tried to take the less well-trodden path. With all the books I concentrated on not doing the obvious thing. For example, I didn't want Thursday to have a string of men like most female characters. I wanted her to be different." I asked where the inspiration came from for such an unorthodox heroine as Thursday Next: "There are bits from various women I've met, and there's some of my girlfriend in there. She's got no personal

Books for people who like storytelling. A celebration of stories

-Jasper Fforde describes his brand of fiction

The Big Over Easy is currently on sale in hardback. The Eyre Affair, Lost in a Good Book, Well of Lost Plots and Something Rotten are out now from all good book shops.

10

Features

features@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05 Picture: Eric Draht

NOWORRIES Too much too soon? Spent your loan on Aftershock and Carling? The Student Support Centre are there to help, writes Kerry Lynne-Doyle

I

t is the saying that every adult, relative and peer drums into your mind before you embark upon your degree.

It is the saying that makes you feel as if you haven’t fully experienced Freshers’ Week unless you have consumed copious amounts of alcohol and made a horde of friends.

It is also the most well-meaning but misjudged advice that you will ever receive. It is the immortal sentence: "University will be the time of your life".

While university is a life-changing experience, during your degree there will be times where a spot of advice or someone to talk to would be invaluable. During these times the Student Support Centre is there to lend a hand.

The Centre offers non-judgemental and confidential support for a range of personal, financial and academic problems to all Cardiff students.

Features takes a look at the different types of services that are on offer at the Centre to keep you cluedup about what the Student Support Centre can do for you.

Financial Support Every student knows that university is a time where finances, or the lack of them, is at the forefront of everyday life.

Whether you’re worrying about your overdraft or can’t afford to buy your next meal, the Centre can help.

If you have any financial questions or problems, the Centre offers a daily afternoon drop-in service to give you advice.

A support fund, emergency loans and debt counselling are also available for any student with immediate financial difficulties.

The Centre also manages financial contingency funds, which provide grants worth around £2m to Cardiff students each year. The Centre is always looking for people to apply for grants.

Pop into the centre to find out more.

Welfare Advice (Advisory Service) One in five students a year, around 4,000 people, use the Welfare Advice service. The service provides advice on a wide range of welfare issues which can affect students while studying at university.

Whether your boss isn’t paying you enough or you’re finding your course too much to handle, the service offers practical and helpful advice.

If you are on the verge of dropping out of university or are having other serious welfare problems, the service will help, and, when necessary, follow cases through.

Don’t suffer in silence.

Go down to the centre for help and advice to work your way towards a solution for your welfare problems.

Disability and Dyslexia Service

ANXIETY: Don’t suffer alone

Counselling Service The Counselling Service provides the opportunity to talk in confidence with someone who is not directly involved with your life.

Offering group-work and individual counselling, the non-judgemental service is entirely confidential and a member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy.

The service runs support groups on stress, depression and relaxation and individual counselling on a range of personal problems.

There is no waiting list for the service and emergency appointments are usually available within 48 hours.

International Students The Centre offers appointments to international students who wish to discuss personal, academic or financial difficulties or are experiencing welfare problems.

Appointments are available on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The Centre also deals with Visa renewal.

All visas for international students will expire in October and the Centre advises students to do all of the paperwork early. This advice is due to the volume of students who will be renewing their visas during next month.

The Disability and Dyslexia Service provides confidential support for students with specific learning disabilities, who are disabled or who have a long-term medical condition.

Services include dyslexia tutors, note-takers and assessors for the Disabled Students’ Allowance and are available for both current and prospective students on both the Cathays and Heath campuses.

Factsheets on study skills are also available.

Creche/Day Care Centre The crèche offers facilities for children of Cardiff University students and staff.

It supplies care for day and half day periods and has groups for children of different ages.

The Centre also has childcare grants and a feeremission fund for students with children at Cardiff.

F e a t u r e s 11 Group Work Practical group work, such as Stress Control and Study Skills, is available to all students.

The Centre can also offer mediation between housemates/flatmates.

This mediation would give you the opportunity to work through your problems with a neutral party.

Where next?

You have now been completely introduced to the services at the Student Support Centre.

For further information on the services, you can visit the Centre at 50 Park Place, ring them on 029 2087 4179 or email studentadvisory@cf.ac.uk.

The Centre is open between 9am and 4pm from Monday to Friday.

If you feel that the Centre could be improved in some way, or could provide further services, please pop in to fill in a feedback form or email them with your suggestion at the above address.

In the meantime, get out there and enjoy your life at university knowing that help is always there should you ever need it.

Useful numbers: Samaritans 029 2034 4022 Nightline (Peer to P eer Counselling) 029 20223993 GUM clinic (Sexual Health) 029 2033 5207 National Drug and Alcohol line 0800 776600 University security 029 20 874444 PC Bob Keohane 029 2052 7299 Sexual Health Infor mation line 0800 567123

12 Features

Lords of the prance

Bethany Whiteside explores the mysteries behind the bagpipes and flailing limbs of Celtic dance

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important to the learning process. concentrate on the intricate footwork, he world-wide success of Due to ongoing persecution they prohibited the use of arms.

Riverdance and Lord of the of the Catholics, a child would The Catholic faith of Ireland Dance has rocketed Irish dance often be posted to look out has led to two more theoto the international stage and for soldiers, and a particuries. The presence of lusty increased interest in all forms of lar rhythm would be dancing was considered celtic dance. tapped to the cellar sinful, however dancing However, the history of the various below. could not realistically dances remains obscure, and many Before the introducbe banned full-stop, so little-known facts add to the ambiguity tion of soft and hard Priests ordered that of this branch of performance. shoes with their fiberarms remain at the side Irish dance dates from the Norman glass toe tips and hollow in order to prevent sinful establishment in the 12th century. It heels, nail heads were wanderings. became an inherent part of Irish culused, and the dancer During the time of reliture in the 1600s and continued to gious persecution in Ireland gain prestige, culminating in the STAG: victorious would insert coins between sole and toe men were hanged for playing the leather-clad antics of Michael Flatley tip to augement the beats. pipes. This led to the creation of the and the like.

Uileann (pronounced illan), pipes The history and current situation of HIGHLAND FLING = DANCE which were placed across the knee.

Welsh and Cornish dance is a sadder OF THE VICTORIOUS STAG Anyone walking by the house would tale. The culture of the former was The Highland Fling is the not see that music was being played attacked as part of the religious intoleroldest of Scotland’s traditional and that dancing was ance story at the taking place, as partic- dances, and is a victory performance end of the 19th danced at the ipants’ arms were by century. Much their sides. knowledge was Continuing the perlost as notation secution theme, one (recording of TV documentary gave dance) had not the explanation that yet been inventdancers will not lift ed. However, their arms until all revival is one IRISH DANCING ARMS: Ireland is free. more taking place Straighter than Stringfellow as Welsh Morris ona Roman road dancers are DANCE MEANS MONEY proud to jangle their legs for pleasure Michael Flatley, star of rather than money.

Riverdance and Lord of the Witchcraft, decapitation, and lust Dance insured his legs for filled dancing. Here are ten top, fun£25 million. filled facts on the dancing of our Revenue gained from ticket sales neighbouring celtic, and for the majoriand merchandising creeps into the ty of us, our surrogate, nation. dancer’s high earnings. A seat to see Riverdance at the Cardiff International WHY THE IRISH ARE Arena cost £35 alone.

STRAIGHT (ARMED) In contrast to the Irish, METHODS OF THE FIRST Scottish dancers dance and IRISH DANCERS: LOOK-OUTS play with their arms and bagpipes AND COINS high. Suggestion has been made that Dance Masters began tourthis is due to the fact that the Scots ing the country in the 1750’s and were defeated by the English first, were a major influence on the evoluleading to oppressive body language tion of Irish dance. Often, the teacher in their performance.

Another opinion argues that dancing had to tie rope around a student’s leg “So, what made you fall for for them to distinguish right from left. masters of the 1700s were incredibly multi-millionaire dancer Fencing and deportment were also strict. In order for their students to MICHAEL FLATLEY then?”

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14

Fashion

fashion@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

FASHION PAGES Fashion desk takes you on a guide through the city where the best style can be found. Whether you’re a shopper on a budget or a big spender, Cardiff provides chic fashion outlets for any bank balance.

Shoes Buzz and Co./High Street Arcade. Bursting with cute and pretty little mitts for your feet. There are two branches in the arcade, one that caters for the trainer lovers among you. Unusual finds that you can get with a 10% student discount. Also look out for their sales! $$$ Eccentrix/High Street Arcade. Provides an eccletic mix of shoes you may love or hate. As the name suggests, expect anything; plastic platforms and PVC knee-highs. $$ Schuh/Queens Street. A high street gold mine. Also offers 10% student discount on its huge selection of trainers and shoes. $$$ Qube/Queens Street. Big shop, big selection, small price tags, it’s good. $$

Fashion Barker/Castle Arcade, St. Mary Street. Unique styles from popular urban ranges such as Superdry. Cool interior permits the relatively high price tag. $$$$ Chessman/Castle Arcade. Caters for male and female label lovers. Stockists of Diesel, Firetrap, Miss Sixty etc. $$$$$ Drooghi/Castle Arcade. A well-known and loved men’s shop that boasts its own ‘Rather Not Say’ label. Once described as ‘one of the best shops on earth’ we say better get down there quick! $$$$$ Drop Dead Budgie/Royal Arcade. Above Cardiff Antiques Centre you will find an eclectic mix of vintage and fancy dress. If this is your style, the novelty value will not disappoint. It also makes its own T-shirts and stocks ‘Bowho’, a very funky label. $$ Hobo’s/High Street Arcade. A funky little haunt full of vintage for funky people. $$ Pussy Galore/High Street Arcade. A haven for the sophisticated clothes loving goddess! The styles make the hangers look classy! As Charlotte Church’s favourite, you can imagine the prices. $$$$$ Numerous charity shops down Albany Road and Whitchurch Road will help you stick to a budget and you never know what treasure you may find! $

Fashion Hairdressers There’s nothing worse than having a hair dilemma and having no idea where to get it fixed, here’s our pick of Cardiff’s hair heaven.

Johnsons This student staple does great haircuts at a price that won’t break your bank balance, it’s also smack bang in the middle of Studentville. Find it at 64 Cathays Terrace. $$ Toni and Guy Although a pretty expensive choice, if you’re really skint (and brave), you can have your hair cut by the trainees for a fiver.

Usually $$$$. With a trainee $

Beauty If you’re a cosmetics addict these shops should help you to get your fix.

Boots Queens Street Boots is a great one-stop-shop for all your essentials, this store has everything under its massive roof. $$$ Howells Excellent for hard to find brands such as Bobbi Brown and benefit, plus get a manicure at Nails Inc. for just a tenner. $$$$$ Lush and Neals Yard Visit Lush on Queens Street or Neals Yard in Morgan Arcade for animal friendly and chemical-free skin products. $$$ Mac Find this fab brand in the Capital centre or Debenhams. $$$$$ Tescos If you’re living in Talybont, Tesco Extra is handy for good value beauty basics, try Barbara Daly’s Make up range or Normandie Keith’s new Reinvent and Recapture. $

$ Saving your pennies $$ Cash wise

Essentials Despite what you might have heard, it doesn’t rain all the time in Cardiff, but it does rain a lot, our advice is to invest in the tiniest umbrella you can find and take it everywhere. Soggy is really not a good look. The other problem with the weather here is that it’s just so unpredictable, rain one minute, baking hot sun the next, well almost. Here at Fashion Desk we think layering is the key to looking good, whatever the weather.

Aveda Bauhaus Deluxe hairdressers on St Marys Street. Look out for the 30 quid walk-in hair cut and make sure you get the 10% student discount. $$$$

Key to your wallet

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$$$ Smart spender $$$$ Splashing out $$$$$ Blowing the budget

Trends This season black is back, but if you can’t bear to go monochrome then purple abounds in every shade.

Must have wardrobe staples include knee-length skirts with extra volume or a McCartneystyle sweater dress. Vogue hypes up velvet and metallic brocade as the must-have fabrics for winter, covered in sequins and lace embroidery for the ultimate in refined chic.

Stella’s Sweater Dress

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Food

Quench 05 09 05

food@gairrhydd.com

Food for thought

With Freshers’ week fast approaching, Food orders the healthy option with a garnish of tips on how to eat well when living in universtiy

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his week’s edition of Quench is to welcome all Freshers to Cardiff University life.

The Food section therefore feels it has a responsibility to educate you on the importance of good food, in order to deter you from that all too easy path of fast food, take away and processed crap.

This could cost you more than just

money, your health happiness and motivation could also end up paying the price.

The food we eat is made up of five main components; Carbohydrates, Fats, Proteins, Vitamins and Minerals.

A healthy balanced diet should contain all of these.

What follows is a guide to how, and why, we should achieve this.

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roteins are made up of many small units called amino acids. Some amino acids that we need can be made in the body, but those that the body cannot make must be provided in the diet.

Fish, poultry and eggs are all important sources of protein. For those veggies out there houmos, beans and whole grains are also good sources. Protein is essential in maintaining a healthy body as it plays a huge part in repairing damaged tissue.

Fa t s E

ssential fatty acids include omega 3 and omega 6, these can improve cholesterol levels, protect the heart, and some studies suggest they are good for concentration, so they could help you get through lectures and exams a little easier.

They can be found in Plant oils such as sunflower oil and olive oil, avocadoes nuts and green leafy vegetables such as spinach.

Another good source comes from fatty fish such as salmon.

Protein

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ake sure you stick to complex carbohydrates and avoid sugar. Eat lots of whole grain, found in rice, wholemeal bread, potatoes, cereals, beans and pulses.

The body can’t digest whole grains as quickly as processed carbohydrates such as white bread and pasta. This means you’ll have more energy for longer and won’t have to eat so often, which will save you money.

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o, it’s basically common sense, try to eat a variety of the food types mentioned.

Food containing saturated fats, such as cheese and biscuits and foods containing lots of sugar, such as chocolate should all be eaten in moderation.

You’ll be pleased to hear that alco-

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his bit is simple and very effective. It’s actually really easy and tasty to maintain a good amount of vitamins and minerals in your diet.

To succeed just eat loads of fruit and vegetables. Eat at least 2 or 3 pieces of Fruit a day and try to put a few veggies with every meal.

This can protect you from a whole range of illnesses such as heart disease and a variety of cancers. In the short term it will improve the condition of your skin and hair so you’ll look a lot better and probably get laid more.

V itamins & Minerals

Carbs hol in moderation i.e. one drink a day- actually reduces the risk of heart disease, just remember alcohol in excess does have it’s risks.

Considering, however, that this is the Freshers’ edition I’ll give you all a few weeks to get into this habit rather than believing you will adopt it straight away.

Gay

gay@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

17

Outward thinking

James Emtage was one of many LGB people to

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arrived at university two years ago, as a ‘straight’ 19 year old. After a year of being here a ‘gay’ 20 year old. Quite a transition to make. I mean, leaving those teen years behind and moving to the sophisticated age of 20 is one thing, but swapping my Pumas for stilettos and my pint for a g ‘n t is another issue.

(I jest. I didn’t change that much. I switched to Shandy) Driving to Cardiff for the first time I had no idea what to expect of my new life, but one thing was for certain, was that being gay was not going to be a part of it. I had always gotten on with girls as well as boys, perhaps even more so, but just never been attracted to them. As for my attraction to boys, well, that mere ‘passing phase’ could surely be erased given a bit of alcohol and a copy of FHM. I knew all along I was kidding myself, and just prayed as we crossed the bridge that I wouldn’t find myself in a macho flat of lager drinking footballers So, an hour later, I found myself, living in a macho flat of lager drinking footballers. Seven to be precise. And me. Me who wouldn’t know the offside rule if it hit me in the face, and me who was more interested in discussing Cat Deely’s outfit than whether or not I’d ‘give her one’. I can’t tell you how much I struggled to fit in, acting straight with my new

straight friends.

I lasted only a few months before I started confiding for the first ever time in a couple of the girl friends I had made, and immediately was overwhelmed by their support, and the realisation that this ‘disease’ I was hiding from the world could actually be accepted. It wasn’t easy, I won’t pretend it was, but gradually, by the end of the first year, I had ‘come out’ to my parents, my girl friends, and my macho friends.

Parents, well, they’re my parents, and despite finding this one of the hardest things for them to get their heads round, and still not being totally at ease with it, I am lucky enough to have a Mum and a Dad who love me enough to not let this come between us. Girl friends, well, they’re girls, and generally speaking seem to have that inate ability to understand what you’re going through despite never having been through it themselves. And as for the macho boys, well, they’re macho boys, but let me tell you this, don’t think that even the most macho of macho boys don’t have a soft side hidden deep down, probably underneath their dirty clothes and ingrained just behind their beer belly.

It was my flatmates and their cans of Fosters who touched me the most when I told them the big G news.

Firstly, they immediately understood

the enormity of what I was telling them, and therefore realised that my time with them so far must have been me acting under the pretence of being attracted to girls. ‘So you never actually wanted to pull girls in Solus?’, asked a particularly sensitive one of them. ‘Well I could have had a few of them for you… you only needed to ask!’

It was a lot for them to get their heads round too, and there was an awkward period between them knowing about who I really was, and them then knowing how to act around me.

The answer to that – exactly as before.

I WAS JESTING with you earlier, I haven’t outwardly changed. But inwardly, I am more at ease. I am more comfortable with myself, and my friends. They haven’t changed either – they’re still the same people and they still drink their lager play fooball. But they still accept me, no longer as one of them who will go out on the pull for the dregs of girls left at 2am in Solus, but as one of them who just happens to be gay.

You’ve now arrived at university, and if there’s one thing that everyone should know about being a student, it’s that you’re free to be yourself.

This may well be the first time in your life where you can actually come out of your shell and do what you really want to do. And I’m not just talking about being gay. I went to a middle class private school with only 40 odd in each year. The gays couldn’t be gay, the goths couldn’t be goths, and the boys who wanted to dance ballet or the girls who wanted to play rugby couldn’t really do that either. But they all can now, and that’s because University, especially Cardiff, is one of the most liberating places to be.

Be who you’ve always wanted to be, whether that’s your biggest desire, or even your biggest fear. Your friends here are your friends because of who you are, not what you are. So go on, be you for a change.

18 T r a v e l

Gap years for the rich and famous YELLOWSTONE PARK (Above) and CAMERON DIAZ (Top and right) in MTV’s Trippin’

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he golden beaches and crystal blue seas of the Caribbean were once the destination of choice for LA’s beautiful people, but MTV’s Trippin’ saw Cameron Diaz trade in the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Diaz and her best friends, including Jessica Alba and Justin Timberlake, pack their rucksacks as they went ruffin’ it around the world.

The troupe of celebrities travelled to countries with astounding natural beauty including Nepal and Bhutan, Chile, Honduras, Costa Rica, America’s Yellowstone Park and Tanzania. Whilst exploring, the stars learnt about the threats posed by Man on the environment.

Amidst the intricate mazes of coral reef manta rays glide, casting their shadows over the marvellous fish who glow with colour. Until recently these wonders of the deep were untouched by man; but now these underwater kingdoms are accessible to scuba-diving tourists. In Honduras, on the world’s second largest coral reef, the celebrity globetrotters learnt to scuba dive the environmentally friendly way.

On their first dive the group encountered murky waters inhabited only by algae. The local guide explained that this is the consequence of man’s excessive fishing. In the natural order of things fish eat the algae that grows in the coral reef, but the removal of fish from the ecosystem means algae grows, smothering the coral, and killing it. Fishing on the reef in

travel@gairrhydd.com

Amy Harrison on MTV’s new brand of celebrity eco-tourism Honduras affects the ecology as far away as Mexico. On their second dive, on a regulated part of the reef, the celebrities discovered marine life in abundance. The stark contrast between the healthy and unhealthy coral shows the dramatic impact man can have on nature.

As the A-listers travelled by jeep across the Serengeti, on the edge of their seats waiting for their first animal sighting. Once the excitement over a family of monkeys began to wane, an elephant passed in front of the jeep. The zoologist guide explained the importance of elephants in the Serengeti’s ecology.

Elephants consume vast amounts of vegetation and their manure enriches the earth. Consequently elephant hunting affects all the animals in the Serengeti who depend on the enriched soil.

The praise and graciousness of the local people at the opening of a water tank inspired Diaz to realise the hardships of their lifestyle. Under the instruction of local women, Diaz learnt to carry buckets of water on her head.

The hardest hitting location was the one closest to their LA mansions.

Geologically, Yellowstone Park is a contrast to the parts of the USA which these backpackers usually associate with. The stars were blown away by the breathtaking landscape; Diaz compared the scenery to that which she had seen whilst in Nepal. While in Yellowstone the group stayed on an

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eco-friendly ranch learning about eco-friendly camping and the local wildlife, which consisted of wolves, bears and a population of 50,000 bison. The concept of camping in the presence of wolves was shocking, but the principles of eco-friendly camping were even more so.

The Hollywood stars were not impressed with toilet paper being substituted for rocks. Yellowstone is an area rich in natural gasses; the ranch owner explained the plans of fuel companies to extract all the natural gas from the area. The result of extracting the gasses seriously outweighed the cost. The area’s rare ecosystem would be totally devastated, as would the migration patterns of the local wildlife. The result of this irreparable damage was revealed as a mere nine week supply of fuel for US consumers. As the group reflected on this fact they gazed upon the forests, lakes, and mountainswith tears in their eyes.

Although Trippin’ was a new experience of travelling for Diaz and her friends, they certainly enjoyed themselves. Their experiences seemed to have a great affect, making them appreciate things they take for granted. The potential of Man to destroy the idyllic locations featured in the show made clear that more must be done to protect the world.

This week: affordable hotel websites 1. www.expedia.co.uk 2. www.travelocity.com 3. www.Opodo.co.uk 4. www.hotels.com 5. www.choicehotels.com 6. www.uknetguide.co.uk/Travel 7. www.totalstay.co.uk 8. www.bookings.com 9. www.lateroomscom 10. www.CheapHotelsPlus.co.uk

any suggestions? email us travel@gairrhydd.com

BACKPACKER Sardinia

T r a v e l 19

Welcome to ‘Backpacker’. Each fortnight we provide an insight into top backpacking destinations. Every issue we will let you know which location will be featured in the next edition of Quench. Travel needs you to text/email any tips you have for the next destination. It could be anything from the best campsite, the best place to visit, or which bus takes you to the most beautiful beach.

By Bec Storey Travel Editor

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ardinia has a reputation of being a playground for the rich and famous, and while this is true, backpacking is a great way for us ordinary folk to discover the Mediterranean’s second largest island.

This beautiful island sits in the Mediterranean Sea, just off the coast of Italy. The island has been populated since pre-history; the first human settlements date back to 6000 5000 B.C. More recently, in 1479, the island became part of the Kingdom of Spain. The War of Independence in 1847 led to Sardinia becoming an Italian state in 1861.

Alghero is a fantastic place to start in Sardinia and is easy to reach. Ryanair flies from London Stansted to Alghero with return prices starting at £89.25. Alghero is split into two parts; the new developments that stretch along the beach to the old town where some of the buildings date back to the 12th century. The old town is well worth a visit with its high city walls, its thriving fishing port and winding cobbled streets. The high structured buildings and over hanging balconies evoke a flavour of Venice.

Alghero also has a well equipped campsite, located 15 minutes outside the old town by foot. La Mariposa (Via Lido 22) is open April-October and has very reasonable rates. It has all the facilities you will need, but they are not top of the range. The

t Don’ !

Miss

Porto Cervo is a purpose built village that has its own security guards. It’s also the holiday spot of J Lo, Tom Cruise and many other A list celebrities. If you do take a trip to Porto Cervo, make sure you take your lunch with you. A lemonade will set you back £10 and every shop is either Versace or Gucci!

appeal of this campsite is its prime location, and its own private beach with many of the pitches are under pine trees on the beach.

To really get a taste of the best that Sardinia has to offer one should to head to the Costa Smeralda. To get there take a 15 minute bus ride from Alghero to Sassari. Opposite the bus depot is the train station. From here take a train to Olbia on the north east coast of the island. The journey takes about 2 hours 30 minutes, but is a great way to see the agricultural interior of Sardinia. Trains are very cheap, and run on time.

The Costa Smeralda is just north of Olbia and

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Miss

One place to check out is the ice cream parlour, Erasmo, which can be found just off Via Sant. Make sure you have a good half hour to spare, as it will take you that long to decide on what flavour to have!

TOP TIP… Make sure you camp under one of the trees, as your tent will become an oven in the Mediterranean heat.

DON’T FORGET… validate your ticket before you get on the train, otherwise it’s an on the spot fine. There are machines around the station. you will be lucky to find anywhere to stay for under a £100 a night. But Olbia has a number of campsites to choose from (the local tourist information centre is glad to help). Most campsites can be reached by a short

Useful websites

www.sardegna.net www.justsardinia.co.uk www.ryanair.com www.isuledda.it www.lamariposa.it The Rouge Guide: Sardinia The Lonely Planet: Sardinia

Next issue Backpacker will be taking you to Wales. Text your top backpacking tips to 07843393962, or email them to us at travel@gairrhydd.com. bus journey. Beware though; most bus drivers speak little English so make sure you know where you are going.

The village of Cannigione has a fantastic campsite (Villaggio Isuledda) open April-mid-October. This campsite has everything you could wish for with all new facilities, a great on site Pizzeria and two private beaches. The only downside is the site’s rather loud disco; just make sure you chose a pitch on the opposite side of the site.

From outside the bank in Cannigione a tour bus will show you around the rich haunts of the Costa Smeralda. The bus allows you to hop on and off along the route and is the best way to get a taste of how the other half live.

Sardinia is an island of diversity, from mountains to beaches, giant yachts to fishing villages. It offers some of the best food in the Mediterranean. It is great for backpackers with hundreds of campsites and a brilliant transport system that goes all over the island. The high quality campsites and accessibility make Sardinia an excellent place for first time backpackers.

CAMPSITE IN SARDINIA: Head for the trees!

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Reviews

By Harry Shiel Music Editor

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Exit Music (for a festival)

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espite its name seeming to directly reference the natural, stomach-churning culmination of a night at a typical festival; Exit is by no means a typical festival. Squeezed skilfully and meticulously into the epic splendour of Petrovaradin Fortress, Serbia’s biggest live music event could teach Reading/Leeds/Glastonbury/V/Mean Fiddler etc., a thing or two about how to create, capture and distribute joy to masses of music fans, which it attracts from all over Europe and beyond.

The concept of the festival originates from the removal of the tyrannical warmonger Slobodan Milosevic in 2000 when, after having lost the election, he refused to stand down. On the 5th of October in the same year many people from all over Serbia, including many from Novi Sad, flocked to the capital to forcibly remove the tyrant from power. It is heartening to experience the passion and pride with which the young Serbians of today will talk on the subject. This charge of passion and eagerness for celebration is almost tangible in the air around the festival as everyone strives to have a better time than the person next to them, befriends them then together they go off to spread the celebration elsewhere.

Over 600 bands and DJs play on 21 stages over 4 nights in front of over 250,000 people. The acts range from huge international acts like The White Stripes, Ian Brown, The Datsuns and Slayer to huge international DJs like Fatboy Slim, Felix Da Housecat and The Bodyrockers. Along the way there are some lesser known European acts like Slovenia’s Laibach and the Croatian artist Edo Maajka and a few local acts like Overdrive are thrown in for good measure.

The options for a festival-goer are vast. During the day you can’t get into the fortress itself so you are left to fend for yourself. All that is provided for you is a surprisingly well facilitated campsite; with useable showers and an indoor bar (Eastern European prices, therefore gloriously cheap); an all-day Dance stage on a beach which leads down to the hallowed waters of the Danube itself where one can dance, bathe and of course there’s a

Quench 05 09 05

quench@gairrhydd.com

EXIT FESTIVAL ‘05 NOVI SAD, SERBIA & MONTENEGRO JULY 7TH -10TH

THE ULTIMATE SUPERGROUP? (L-R): The White Stripes, Ian Brown and Slayer’s Kerry King bar here as well, so drink; and the city of Novi Sad itself which is riddled with friendly people, flamboyant yet cheap restaurants and rich history. Once you’ve coped with the daytime the evening draws in. Come 8pm the gates of Petrovaradin, wreathed in the stillvibrant late afternoon sun, are flung asunder and the true heart of the festival is left gaping open that we the mighty throng of worshippers might careen haphazardly up the sides of Mt. Fruska Hora and flow into its atria restoring the steady throb and

beat of life its walls so dearly crave.

Inside the fortress it becomes your duty to behold the glory of it’s every walkway, tunnel and arena. It would be rude not to buy food from the storeholders as they’re only charging a pound a go for some glorious traditional ‘Super-Goulash’.

Laibach and Apocalyptica are the first to light up the main stage, which incidentally knocks the balls off all the other main stages I’ve seen at festivals (except maybe the one at Truck... but simply because it really is a

Truck!), and they do so with an inimitable majesty. Apocalyptica’s immense quadruple Cello-lead cover of Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters brings a tear to the eye of the enormous Serb standing next to me. The only Metal moment to better this is when Slayer calls to the crowd "DOES ANYBODY WANT TO DIE?" which is greeted with a rapturous "YEH!" from the faithful.

"THEN LETS ALL DIE TOGETHER!" returns Tom Araya from the stage before ripping into a brutal rendition of Angel of Death. Slayer may be the

Lords of Metal but the King (and Queen) of Exit festival can be no other than Jack and Meg of the White Stripes. "Good Lord, Good Lord," wails Jack as he delights the rapturous crowd with every slided note, every piano chord and every Marimba tremolo. Jack White truly is one of our generations’ greatest performer and he shows us exactly why in a fortress, on a wet summers night in Serbia.

Honourable mentions must go to The Datsuns who cope well with a poorly attended early slot. Also to Ian Brown

who delights us with a few Stone Roses tracks which sadly show how lacking his solo material is in comparison. And finally to the Dance Arena as a whole which was special for so many reasons I dare not mention.

Exit serves as both a reminder of darker times in Serbia’s past and a torchbearer for better times to come.

This is how a festival should be, long live The State Of Exit. www.exitfest.org

22 M u s i c

music@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

Mud, sweat and beers Greg Cochrane survived Glastonbury 2005

FRIDAY

WITH THE CLOUDS still looking ominous overhead after Thursday night’s apocalyptic piss-down, Tom Vek kicks off and electrifies with his own brand of fiery dark disco. Slightly more jovial, Hot Hot Heat follow, and rock around in playful mood bringing smiles to those still drenched.

Enter Editors, who vacuum up all the fun with their lifeless take on Joy Divison. Over on the Pyramid stage, Doves spread their wings [arf] and sound massive, a storm of ricocheting beats and Jimmy Goodwin’s raucous howl create a blazing racket.

With all eyes on Bloc Party they bash out their set in triple quick time like hyperactive toddlers but still succeed in blowing minds.

M.I.A’s efforts are less enthusiastically recieved, her mirky junk-hop sounding as thick and inaudible as the Pilton mud. Brandon Flowers looks bored on the main stage, but then he always does. The Killers reel off the same tunes, everyone goes bananas loopy and soil they’re water-

Photos by Tim Cochrane

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hree hours of jazz and three kegs of cider later, Quench wakes up in the stone circle after an aborted trek to a Magic Numbers after-show shindig clutching a cold falafel in one hand and pair of Peruvian knitted pants in the other. Over Pilton farmhouse the Hippies are chanting and the sun is rising. Must have been a good night…

Rewind 36 hours and it’s a similarly disorientating introductory scene, stood watching Bloc Party jettison themselves into the big league. To the left side of a scantily clad gentlemen relives himself in a rusty tin barrel, to the right an old woman consistently pokes Quench with a spliff the size of the pyramid stage. Disturbing?

Weird? Yes. But this this is Glastonbury, and it’s muddy brilliant.

proofs when Mr Brightside rings out blah blah blah. Next!

An hour on, and Jack and Meg White stride out looking immaculate.

Jack proves that he’s definitely one cup-cake short of a picnic with his crack-pot glare and psychotic abuse of his instruments. Meg White just perches elegantly gleefully bashing away. Sensational.

SATURDAY

CHOCK FULL OF PERKY precision are The Rakes, like a bucket of cappacino over the head Retreat proves to be an instant wake-up call. Cute and cuddly Keane may be, but today they RAWK hard, well as hard as three teddy bears and a piano can RAWK. From one ‘rounded’ performance to another, Magic Numbers are going to be big. What? They already are… not huge as in sell lots of records, dumbass. Stumpy Romeo Stodart’s infectious grin beams like a demented glowstick whilst Forever Lost proves a doughy classic.

Now firmly drunk on good vibes Coldplay’s giddy sopp-rock sounds like Van Halen circa 1984, but without the tatooes. New material sounds monumental and Glastonbury has fallen deep in love, all over again.

SUNDAY

NURSING THOSE with hang overs back to fitness, Brenden Benson, instead of massaging heads gently, mischievously decides to play a driving set of hot-rocks, a bit like driving a bus in one ear and out the other, but it does the trick. Up next, dancerock riddlers Soulwax shift things into a frazzled electro gear.

Now exhausted, Brian Wilson provides blissed-out lite relief, infantatly enhanced by chap on a surf board hitching a ride on the crowd an for the immaculate Good Vibrations.

Uncle Bri’ might now be a drug fried potato but his band are shimmering

TOP: Jazz, its another world MIDDLE: Must be locals BOTTOM: Glasto’s Grrrreat! summer sunshine perfection.

Rufus Wainwright also sweeps the punters off they’re feet with his majestic big-boy balladry, whilst the melted textures of LCD Soundsystem briefly turn the John Peel tent briefly into Mannumission, Ibiza.

With the uneniviable task of cleaning up after the ruthlessly shambolic Primal Scream, Basement jaxx don’t show the pressure. Picking up the pieces they steadily up the pace until Pilton’s transported into a pulsating rave at the bottom of your garden throbing with wild abandon. Then it ends, three days that feels like three minutes, and another two years to wait to do it all again. Roll on 2007.

Music

23

Donnington Metal-Works DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL Donnington Park June 10th-12th

W

ith the summer on our doorsteps, it can mean only one thing. And what better way to start the festival season than with the hardest and meanest of them all. Splice in the travelling Ozzfest circus, and Download promised to be the hard rock massacre of the year.

Thankfully, after a night of Tesco wine and the obligatory bottle of Jack, Quench stumbled across second stage openers Flogging Molly, who duly nursed us back to health with an order of Folk punk goodness. And by God did we dine. Biffy Clyro and My Chemical Romance came and went with reputations very much in tact, with Quench favourites Biffy again demonstrating controlled music without the need to scream until blood vessels in their eyes burst. Splendid.

Garbage bring a stability last seen from Tony Adams in a no-frills display, while Feeder draw a muted response from a diminshed crowd who seemingly took more interest and enjoyment from an excellent display by the now vintage Billy Idol.

Saturday attracted the metallers out of the campsite woodwork, greeted by a display beyond their tender years by openers Trivium, who play like seasoned veterans. Shame on those who have to follow.

The Dwarves have that pleasure.

Nick Olivieri’s back playing the bass following his sacking by Josh Homme and the guitarist is naked. Lead singer Blag the Ripper tries to tell you

they are the greatest band you’ll ever see. Peddling second rate punk to a metal crowd was never going to get the response he wanted. The main stage proved an equally intimidating prospect for the Mad Capsule Markets, who found this out the hard way. Their electro anarcho punk mix should bombard the senses and make you feel like an Iraqi citizen being "liberated" by the US Air Force.

Instead we laughed at their poor grasp of the English language.

If music was a game of Monopoly Velvet Revolver would be Mayfair. So quite why they play like Paddington Station is anyone’s guess. They’re a good band, but then I’d describe a dirty rat burger after Fun Factory as good. Scott Weiland’s posing was there, as was Slash’s axe work. On paper they should be the best band to play this weekend, but like cheap loo roll you’re left with a hand full of crap.

Good things have been said about Sweden’s In Flames. On their performance tonight it’s easy to see why.

Frontman Anders Friden’s powerful vocals cutting through the Sepulturaesque guitars: simply awesome.

What can be said about Black Sabbath that hasn’t been said before? Jumping around the stage with the grace of an arthritic yak, Ozzy strikes a familiar and imposing presence. To use a cliché, he showed the youngsters how it’s done. While their performance was to be as expected; solid; professional and precise, they still managed to have nearly 100,000 people eating out of their hands.

Judging by Ozzy’s demeanour on stage this is the final leg of his career that

has spanned over three decades. For now though there is still no one out there who does it better.

Closing out the festival was left in the capable hands of rock veterans.

Henry Rollins was entertainingly fucked off, reading his very own sermon to a packed second stage. Papa Roach returned to the fray, demonstrating that a dog may well be taught new tricks, but it hasn’t perfected them yet, and Slipknot completed a Nu-Metal revival with drummer Joey Jordison again proving his talents are above this gimmicky mess.

There was really only one place for Motorhead and that was closing the Snickers Stage. Motorhead are loud.

There’s no two ways about it. Even so, Lemmy constantly moaned that they were too quiet. The classics were all there: Overkill, Metropolis and of course Ace Of Spades. Ever seen a tent full of overweight bikers simultaneously get the shit out on the dance floor? It’s so wrong on many levels, but you can’t help but look.

So it’s back to the main stage for the final band of the weekend.

System Of A Down are quite possibly the biggest band in the world at the moment. Their new material harks back to that of their eponymous debut album. The Armenian heritage adds that certain something that keeps them a step ahead of their ilk and provides a live performance that rivalled anything this weekend: Serj Tankian’s vocal range remaining as impressive as ever. A fitting end to the musical pie that is Download.

Photos and Words: Adam Gasson and Luke Pavey

24 Music

Decent day and night

Quench spends the day trying to create the perfect musical experience in the ‘Diff

C

ardiff, the city of dreams, where you have to live fast in order to avoid dying young.

"Cardiff is a pretty good place, I guess" said one ex-student of questionable importance, so that settles it, Cardiff is entirely the best of the places anywhere ever…fact.

happens you have the oldest one in the world right on your door step, Spillers. Slyly tucked down The Hayes this grimey lo-fi mecca can satiate all your musical needs, from local South Wales Hardcore to thundering middle European Techno. Friendly staff are happy to sell you a ticket to any local gig, thats as long as you have cold hard cash.

Having worked up a thirst, pop round the corner into one of Cardiff’s many enchanted arcades to grab a refreshing juice at, er, Fresh.

Fully refuelled its time to get kitted out for a night of indie scenester heavan. Reasonably priced, suitably obtuse and definitey cool HoBo’s provides the threads. Spend hours decorating yourself with wild patterned shirts, pinstripe jackets and flares that could with one careless step could whip up a tornado that could savage Merthyr Tydfrl.

Its time to take the plunge down the winding staircase of Barfly, into its fantasticly mirky underCLWB IFOR: Back in Bach belly. Providing cutting edge live music almost 365 nights a year, the past year has seen The Killers, So you’ve said those embarassing Kaiser Chiefs and Razorlight stumble goodbyes, ignored your new housethrough the doors and take to the tiny mate, chucked your stuff in an orderly stage. heap, now what? Well, if your anything Now slightly merry and gently high like us your first port of call will be on the fumes of a few hundred people the local record store, and it just so

SPILLERS: Still older than your nan

sweating simultaneously, no night in Cardiff would be fully complete without making the short traipse to Womandy Street and Clwb Ifor Bach.

Three floors of the City’s prettiest boys and girls throwing wild shapes on the dance floor to the freshest

BARFLY: Pretty fly for a bar cuts of the moment. And when that all gets too much, crash out on one of the snug leather sofa’s parked on the miiddle floor. When one of the more than amable bouncers shephers you out for the night theres only one destination, Chippy Alley - a short stumble down St Mary’s street [Note: this wil take at least an hour]. Having navigated your way through the ‘lads on tour’ and reckless Hen nights’ Abbrakebabra looks like The Ritz but tastes like a Donkey’s rear-end. All thats left to do is thorw yourself in the Civic fountain , knock on all your neighbours doors, destroy the comunal kitchen and fall asleep in the fridge.

Come morning [three o’clock in the afternoon] with someone trying to reach past you to get the milk with a disaproving tut. Now firmly chilled out, last night was just a blur. having post your musical purchases, un-crusted your new togs with Abrakebabra’s glorious tucker, forgotten the rest of the night, all that remains is to dust yourself down, and do it all again.

T

he end of summer is always such a comedown. What with the long, sunny days being replaced by a cold, miserably-wet darkness that descends on you even before you’ve started the day.

What’s more, the festival season has come to a close. At least we’ll always have the memories…

Bono strutting like the God-amongmen his constant preaching fools him into believing. Throw in a few gratuitous festival appearances, album launches (in the musical epicentre of Exeter) and general debauchery, and you could say fun was had by all.

And so to the future. There is, afterall, life after you’ve aired out

For those about to rock...

Quench salutes the steaming Summer and the Autumn’s hottest talent As difficult it may be to comprehend, life in Cardiff continues whilst we all fester in that labouring job your uncle got you, and just because the Quench office has resembled a graveyard for the past months, doesn’t mean we haven’t been, erm, ‘working’ hard. …And you will know Us By the Trail of Dead impressed on two fronts, ably supporting Audioslave at the CIA despite its notoriously atrocious sound before caterwauling their way through an intimate Cambridge warm up. U2 showed the sodding miserable Killers, dragged along in support, who’s the biggest band in the world;

your tent and washed off those wellies. Leeds based four-piece ¡Forward Russia! Have spent the summer cropping up over every festival bill across Europe, and set to carry their funky slice of post-punk pie to the recording studio.

Yorkshire remains very much the place to be. Buoyed on by the Kaiser Chiefs unwarranted rise to notoriety, iLiKETRAiNS should join northern compatriots ¡Forward Russia! at the top end of 2005’s playlists: their sweeping post-rock backed by a live experience of Floydian and Doorsesque home videos should carry them far. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah,

M u s i c 25 NEW YEAR, NEW faces. While many of our staff have moved on to pastures new, braving the real world of 9am starts and proper deadlines, the Quench production machine moves on. And thats where you come in..

We, as always, are looking for new contributors for the coming year. We can’t offer much in the way of salery: in fact, we can’t offer any at all. What we can endevour to do though, is supply you with the latest releases and those sought after gig tickets in exchange for your creative contributions.

Simply come along to our weekly meetings, have a chat with the editorial team and get involved.

We don’t ask that you have any previous writing experience, and we certainly don’t ask for a level or style of work. All we ask if that you are enthusiastic about your topic and have a good grasp of deadlines.

Feel free to drop by the office at any time and have a chat, or drop us an email if you’d prefer to gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com Test-Icles and Artic Monkeys should top things off nicely, and expect The Arcade Fire to break from their cultstatus into popular knowledge with the release, and heavy endorsement from MTV, of the latest cut from recently released album Funeral.

One for the ladies...

Introducing the Quench Music Team

Sam Coare (20), Sussex Born a baby,. Sam spends his time pummlling his veins with smack whilst frolicking naked around his kitchen to 1996’s ‘now thats what i call music 12’. Aspires to eventual work for Caravan Monthly

Greg Cochrane (20), London Oft-found lurking in the Debenhams lingerie department picking up old ladies, Greg enjoys garden furniture sales, Battenburg cake and rubbing marmite into his eyes to save listening to Ash.

Harry Shiel (21), Exeter Reared throughout his adolescence by a pack of friendly bison, Harry can be reguarly found partaking in his favourite wholesome activity of dogging around Cardiff’s car parks.

Approach with caution.

26

Film

M ORE Johnny Depp

There is nothing cooler than the king of quirk - Johnny Depp, he can grow beards, and now he is the owner of vast amounts of chocolate

Tom Cruise has been in the spotlight for far too long declaring his love for that silly five year old girl out of Dawsons Creek and it has to stop

With the British film industry currently hitting hard times there’s a chance that the next Harry Potter film, The Order of the Phoenix, may have to be shot abroad. At the moment the location being considered is Prague.

JOKER’S BACK

Plans are already in development for the next Batman film, which will again be directed by Christopher Nolan. The bloke who played Marty’s dad in Back to the Future, Crispin Glover, may well be playing the role of the Joker. An inspired choice if it’s true.

THE LIGHTER FLUID DIARY?

S

carlett Johansson is furious producers of have blamed her and Ewan McGregor for the boxoffice failure of their big-budget film The Island. The screen beauty was staggered by their recent attack, which included a comment on their website claiming ‘even lesser television actresses would have more connection to that audience’ than Johansson did in The Island.

Johannson rages, ‘the producers are passing the buck and I am proud of my performance and the film.’

Loved-up actress Katie Holmes is horrified fiancée Tom Cruise has become a figure of intense ridicule since spectacularly declaring his love for her on US chat show The Oprah Winfrey Show in May. She says ’I was proud of him that he was willing to let his guard down."

film@gairrhydd

By Catherine Gee Film Editor

W L ESS

Tom Cruise

POTTER IN PRAGUE

Film News

Quench 05 09 05

film@gairrhydd.com

Check this out for an exciting film prospect. Word has reached Film Desk that the upcoming screen adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s The Rum Diary will not only star Johnny Depp as the drug-taking journalist Paul Kemp but it will also be directed by Bruce Robinson, the genius behind Withnail and I.

ell just take a look at this new, improved Film section.

Yes, my dears a new school year is upon us which means Quench has had a reshuffle and is now brought to you by a new-look team.

As you can see, you lucky filmlovers are now treated to film news and releases as well as your muchadmired reviews and interviews. On top of that we’ve got our own editorial column which means we get to say whatever we like, so long as it’s film related, of course. Keep an eye here for the chance of some major bitching/hyperbole.

Please bear in mind that as this is the Freshers’ Edition it is slimmer than the norm and includes the everso-helpful guide to where to find films in Cardiff. We wouldn’t want any newcomers to be struggling there, would we?

On an entirely seperate note, take a squiz at the last film rumour. That sounds like possibly the most exciting prospect since Roderiguez asked Tarantino to direct a scene in his new comic book film for the princely sum of $1. Depp, Hunter and Robinson. Together. Sounds like a partnership made in drug heaven.

And maybe Terry Gilliam could drop in for one key sequence...

The film has to be made!!?!

Rumours

" Friday Out on DVD this week: Friday 29 August - The Ring 2 !" " Friday 30 - Stander 30 - Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas !"

Out at cinemas this fortnight: Wednesday 24 August - The Dukes of Hazzard ! Friday 26 - The Cave ! Sommersturm ! " Last Days ! Red-Eye Friday 02 ! The 40 Year-Old Virgin !"

Okay its time for Will Ferrell to step up and star in a Welsh monks choir.

They are vying for championship glory but have to contend with his Tourette’s Syndrome intervening.

The final scene has him ad-lib rapping with other monks.

Film in Cardiff:

Your one-stop guide

Film

27

Y

our first couple of weeks at university may well be packed full of booze,pubs and meeting new people but believe it or not, one day soon, you’ll be wanting a night of escapism. It may be because a mere three weeks into your new-found freedom you’ve already hit your overdraft limit. Or you may just be in need of a bit of sofa and movie comfort. Film Desk is here to bring you the definitive guide to where to find films in Cardiff.

CINEMAS CHAPTER ARTS CINEMA Market Road, Canton

The one and only independent cinema in Cardiff. If you want to see anything different then this is your place. It shows a mixture of international films along with re-releases and runs seasons such as the films of James Dean. Chapter also runs a theatre as well as impressive cafe and bar and is ideal for impressing young ladies with your cultural knowledge.

BLOCKBUSTER 50-52 Albany Road

Much the same as every other Blockbuster on the planet.

Reasonable variety of choice given its small size and stocked to the gills with sweets, fizzy drinks and ice cream. You can rent games, DVDs and videos as well as the chance to purchase discounted ex-rental films.

CHOICES 29 Albany Road

Conveniently located just across the road from Blockbuster to make comparisons between choice and price all the easier. It does hold a marginally better selection of films but in most ways they’re the same as each other.

These two hold a duopoly within Cardiff, though there is now a new competitor in town.

UGC CINEMA Mary Ann Street

One big mother of a cinema situated conveniently in town and a mere 15 minute’s walk from Cathays. Tickets are cheap, times are plentiful and the seats are very comfy. And that’s not mentioning the ample snack choice.

Big enough to show some of the lesser known stuff as well the major blockbusters, UGC is your best bet for most ocassions.

VIDEO NIGHT 184 City Road

Away from your standard US fare comes this Bollywood specialist rental shop. It stocks all the latest and best in Indian and Asian films. Known for their all-singing, all-dancing, all-action, all-romance approach to film, Bollywood is a different experience indeed. Worth it if Shah Rukh Khan makes you a bit hot under the collar.

VUE CINEMA Millennium Plaza, Wood Street

If you like to watch films in the sort of comfort that could rival your own living room, then Vue, formally Ster Century is your kinda place. With impressive leg room and squashy seating it also has the biggest screens In Wales. See films the way the way God intended, in this massive complex that also houses Bar Risa and Jongleurs.

Video shops MOVIE BANK 206 City Road

The competitor to Blockbuster and Choices is Movie Bank. Also not far from Blockbuster and Choices, this shop has 24 open hours to its credit.

Yes it’s one of those new-fangled self service things that is soon to render Customer Service Representatives obsolete. But there is a snag, if you’re seeking anything but the latest big releases then you won’t find it here. A rental shop for those who aren’t bothered about what films they watch.

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Film

Name: DENNIS HOPPER Born: 17th May 1936 Biography: Born in Dodge City, Kansas and raised on a farm by his grandparents, Hopper had a relatively normal upbringing. That was until he turned 18 and got his first proper film acting job in Rebel Without a Cause.

There he quickly bonded with leading stars James Dean and Natalie Wood and soon adopted their somewhat hedonistic lifestyles.

A true example of living in the fast lane, one of Hopper’s experiences includes an attempt at an orgy with co-star Wood that concluded with champagne ending up in body parts that it shouldn’t and a trip to the emergency room. Hopper did enough drugs, psychedelics, narcotics and booze to rival Ozzy Ozbourne and,

The DVDon

Reviews you cant refuse HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, rel. Out Now Effective remake of Douglas Adams’ bestselling novels. Impressive performances from its all-star cast bring this 80s TV series up to the modern day. Richard Vernon’s original performance of Slartibartfast, creator of planets, is eclipsed by Bill Nighy’s renewed portrayal. Like all the best British films the humour is perfectly measured and sufficiently eccentric.

Just a shame those dratted Americans always insist on having an empty, contrived love story to sell the film. It wasn’t in the original, I tell you.

The Don Says: “I once travelled to the end of the universe to eat at a restaurant. When I found out it was closed I had the owner boiled alive in his own urine” RING TWO, rel. 29th August In this horror sequel from Japanese master Hideo Nakata, the curse of

Actor Pr ofile: D E N N I S H O P P E R probably, beyond.

In 1969 he directed, co-wrote and starred in what is possibly his most famous film, Easy Rider, during which real marijuana was smoked on screen by Peter Fonda, Jack Nicholson and Hopper.

His next directorial attempt, the ill-fated The Last Movie, was not so well received. Rather, it was rendered unwatchable by many critics.

He recovered well enough by giving an impressive performance in Apocalypse Now and David Lynch HOPPER: good at being bad later cast him in his 1986 production Blue Velvet, a disturbing thriller.

Best films: Easy Rider (1969), Hopper was reportedly so keen to Apocalypse Now (1979), Blue Velvet play the psychopathic role of Frank (1986) because he felt the character mirrored his own personality. He has New stuff: Brand new Land of the since mellowed and has also become Dead by George A. Romero a talented photographer and major collector of modern art. the videotape returns.

Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts) relocates attempting to make a fresh start. Nevertheless, Samara has followed her trail taking out innocent teens along the way with her old videotape tricks. Rachel then proceeds to delve back into the mystery once again.

The Don Says: “I once had a video about a ring. When my wife watched it she left me.”

XXX2, rel. 13th June Ice Cube takes over from that bald twat as the fast talking, uneducated secret agent. In a turn around from the norm the black kids from the ‘hood wind up trying to protect the President from his evil Secretary of State, Willem Dafoe. There are worse dick flicks than this out there and it does feature some impressive action sequences as well as a star turn from automobile stylist Xzibit. James Bond for thick people.

The Don Says: “I once drank a XXXX. Unfortunately my Sheila had replaced the fluid with hydrochloric acid and my throat began to melt” SCRUBS SEASON 2 BOXSET, rel.

13th May Here’s the long awaited release of the excellent second series of Scrubs. Starring the hugely talented Zach Braff, that girl out of Roseanne and that fella out of Clueless this is comedy at its most fun. It features the tangled relationships of the staff

at Sacred Heart Hospital and their journeys to become proper doctors.

Braff is the talented JD who has to put up with constant abuse from both his boss, and father-figure, Dr Cox and the hospital janitor, known as Janitor. Well worth the money.

The Don Says: “I once operated on my mother swapping her arms for her legs. I laughed until I died”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL GHOSTBUSTERS 1 & 2 (SPECIAL EDT.) Rel. Out Now

T

he Ghostbusters are back in an all new box-set reviving possibly two 80s classics.

Bill Murray & Co make the leap to Ghostbusters, investigators and exterminators of the supernatural!

They discover an evil force with plans to raise hell in Manhattan as green ghosts, spooks and a host of paranormal occurrences run amok in New York.

The sequel follows the Ghostbusters under a restraining order. A river of gunk flows beneath New York and an endangered kid brings the team back into action.

Who you gonna call...........again The Ghostbuters are called on to save the Big Apple..

The Don Says: “I once asked a ghost to sleep with me, she then proceeded to put her slime all over me, and I smiled like a demented badger.”

BATMAN BEGINS Dir. Christopher Nolan Cast: Christian Bale, Michael Caine Released Now, 141 mins hristopher Nolan explores the origins of the Batman legend and the Dark Knight's emergence as a force for good in Gotham.

Tormented by guilt and anger, Wayne craves revenge for his parent's death, vanishing from Gotham travelling the world, seeking the means to fight injustice and turn fear against those who prey on the fearful.

Bruce returns to Gotham to find the city devoured by rampant crime and corruption.

With a few helping hands, Bruce Wayne unleashes his awe-inspiring alter-ego, Batman, and an array of high-tech weaponry to fight the sinister forces that threaten to destroy the city.

Film

29

C Where’s my Charlie????

CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY Dir. Tim Burton Cast: Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore Released Now, 115 mins im Burton's self-consciously 'kooky' box office monster marks his fourth collaboration with the master of quirk, Johnny Depp who relishes in bringing the mysterious Willy Wonka to life.

The strength of Burton's film lies in its visionary set design, Danny Elfman's wonderful score but largely a constant psychedelic barrage of visual wizardry and imagination. Expect the usual adult-orientated jokes and an excellent musical performance from the minuscule Oompa-Loompa (Deep Red). All in all, Charlie... is, much like chocolate itself, a great treat for the senses.

Ewen Hosie

T

Constipation kills

Tom likes children WAR OF THE WORLDS Dir. Steven Spielberg Cast: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning Released Now, 116 mins contemporary retelling of H.G. Wells' seminal classic by the bearded Spielberg.

Starring Ray Ferrier (Cruise) a lessthan-perfect father, entertains his young family for a rare weekend visit, and witnesses a towering three-legged war machine that emerges from deep beneath the earth, the first strike in a cataclysmic alien attack on Earth.

Ray and his family flee but no matter where they run, there is no safety and no refuge.

A

“THIRTY YEARS AGO IN THE QUIET PENNSYLVANIA COUNTRYSIDE, THE DEAD BEGAN TO WALK”

LAND OF THE DEAD Dir. George A. Romero Cast: Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper and Asia Argento Rel, Septmber 23rd, 93 mins

G

eorge A. Romero resurrects his legendary franchise whilst retaining his over-the-top gore and social satire.

Land of the Dead begins a decade or two after the last two movies, with most humans’ now lumbering homicidal corpses after being bitten. After Land establishes Romero's brave new world, he lets the walking dead portray post-9/11 paranoia, and the expanding gap between classes.

The centre of the new civilisation, defended by electric fences and armed guards, is a luxury skyscraper inhabited by the wealthy Dennis Hopper. Hopper hires our hero Simon Baker to retrieve his custom-built

tank-truck (Dead Reckoning) from Leguizamo.

Land of the Dead is truly worth the wait, especially for the zombies whose visceral decomposing flesh was created by the Evil Dead II makeup pro Greg Nicotero. Romero's dialogue is as sharp as ever with the best diatribes saved for the postapocalyptic Donald Trump figure played by Dennis Hopper. Due to budget limitations by the studio and censorship on the gratuitous carnage, Land of the Dead could have been so much more. Regardless, one thing is for sure, you won’t go home hungry.

‘When there's no more room in Hell’ the Dawn of the Dead poster explains, "the dead will walk the Earth ."

Ryan Owen

The recent wave of zombie movies are all indebted to one man and his movie. That man is George A. Romero and his movie, Night Of The Living Dead in which flesh-eating zombies rise from their graves. Made on a shoestring budget in 1968, it has become the yardstick by which any zombie movie is measured and without NOLD, there would be no Shaun, no Dawn remake, no 28 Days Later, no Undead...

Romero’s zombie classics continued with anti-consumerist Dawn Of The Dead, and Day Of The Dead, which explores the dark side of science and the military. Romero's influence on the horror genre is more visible now than ever before, but his vision of the walking dead remains the definitive zombie incarnation. When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth!

So turn out the lights, board up the windows and get ready for an all-new experience with the definitive horror trilogy of all time – Trilogy Of The Dead.

Cult Classics

classics@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

31

WHAT IS CULT? WHAT IS CLASSIC? WHAT IS A CULT CLASSIC? Cult Classics? classical cults? books and stuff!? it seems that a redefinition of the parameters and boundaries of Cult Classics is in order for the coming term

G

etting into a discussion about what is cult or what is cultural normally leads people to similar conclusions. Cult is what is accesible- whether it be music, film, computer games or literature. Basically, what I am saying is that almost every work created by man and distributed to people in some form is a work of cult. Of course this is about as far as the similarities go. Beyond this, as we all know, the differences are boundless be it in subject matter, form, style and legiability.

Nevertheless the one universal truth is that all works of cult are accessible and affect the people around us because we respond to them, like them or hate them.

Consequently whilst we may like a film like Star Wars we may dislike an album by The Darkness for obvious reasons. But of course you ask another person what they think of Star Wars or The Darkness’s compedium of shite Permission to Land and you might get a totally different answer.

That is of course the beauty of cultural works, we all respond to them in different ways.

This leads us to the question of what is a Cult Classic? Since in the case of a film like Star Wars its appreciation is universal, its popularity assured in the eyes of so many people. On the other hand a film like the

ill-fated Terminator 3 is less assured.

Let’s find out the reasons for this.

Well basically Terminator 3 is shit.

Apart from the explosions it lacks the character development, plot, and all the sparks of originality that made the first two so good. But Iam getting away from the point and I am not trying to say that what makes a Cult Classic is simply popularity. This just simply isn’t the case.

As I have already hinted at is that what constitutes Classic status is how we respond to the books we read, the films we watch and so forth.

Undoubtedly Classic works that prevail society and have mass appeal punctuated by global marketing are classic as they can inspire an almost religious-like devotion.

Yet Cult Classics can have so much appeal for different reasons. In fact many of the best works of fiction and best albums hold so much critical acclaim precisely because they have not penetrated mainstream consciousness and hold a very specific appeal for so many people. The more selective type of Cult Classic often means a more personal attraction and a more exclusive following.

For example who can forget playing legendary games such as Cannon Fodder, Rampage and Streetfighter on your now dusty old Sega Megadrive or Mastersystem? Not everybody played

These Trekkies know what a Cult Classic is. Do you? them, but those who did generally loved them. Last term these pages featured a review of Goldeneye, A stick on Cult Classic.

Essentially what makes something worthy of Cult Classic status is the high esteem to which it is held combined with its own intangible qualities.

This page is dedicated to discussion of such works and presenting students own Cult Classic faves for us all to read and digest. It’s also fair game that students can write negative reviews about whatever they like when it suits them.

Take the recent ground-breaking comedy Napoleon Dynamite, a winner of three MTV movie awards and hailed by familiar Brit comics such as Matt Lucas and Simon Pegg. Its obscurity and understated comedy has won it many fans but it is these very elements that have left many people mystified and even oblivious to its appeal.

Since people disagree on what is good and bad this page can, and hopefully will feature some welcome slagging matches and inane deriding of the ‘established’ classics. All reviews and viewpoints are welcome.

Anyway this rant is now drawing to a close and I will not continue to repeat myself or tell you things that you already know anymore because this isn’t an opinion page, its a Cult Classics page.

If any of you have read this far im aware of the irony of saying that this isn’t an opinion page when I have

Is this cult?

GOT A CULT CLASSIC? Let’s have it at Classic@gairhydd.com

32

Arts

arts@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

Saigon with the wind What’s On Freshers’ fortnight Dead Ringers New Theatre, 29 Sept.

A fter a mere 4,263 perfo rmances in London, Miss Saigo n came to Cardiff. We sent our ow n Agent Orange Kim O’Connor to investiga te...

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he heat really is on in Saigon.

From the opening Dreamland scene, Miss Saigon has its audience hooked and so they remain until the final curtain drops.

The story of an American G.I. and a Vietnam girl who fall in love against a backdrop of Vietnam War violence provides just the right mix of romance, anguish and tragedy and explains the musical’s enduring popularity. Steven Houghton and Jennifer Hubilla in the lead roles are a winning contrast of bulky masculinity and innocent fragility. The supporting cast are also excellent, especially Jon Jon Briones in his showstealing role as the Engineer.

Hubilla’s Kim is a fiercely determined Vietnamese woman, desper-

Vietnamby-pamby

ately trying to salvage something of her life from the destruction of war.

Her short union with G.I. Chris (Houghton) leaves a lasting impression and, along with the Engineer, she looks to America, the self-proclaimed land of opportunity, for help.

The issues raised by the story are somewhat more complex than typical musical fodder and this makes Miss Saigon all the more engaging.

Of course, singing and dancing make a musical what it is and Miss Saigon doesn’t disappoint in either.

One of the highlights of this production is the Engineer’s American Dream, a spectacularly sparkling number that epitomises the stereotypical image of the West as a place of fantasy and excess.

The set design and scene changes are well-considered, adding to the almost flawless professionalism of Miss Saigon. The special effects are also worthy of mention, particularly the incredibly realistic helicopter scene which marks the end of the American occupation of Vietnam.

Miss Saigon is a definite crowd pleaser and it’s easy to see why.

Acting, singing and dancing combine in this production to create a passionate, energetic and memorable musical tour de force.

This is your chance to see a live recording of the popular TV and Radio 4 show. Impressionists Jon Culshaw and Jan Ravens take a topical and hilarious look at our world of celebs and politics.

The Merry Widow Wales Millennium Centre, 30 Sept. - 8 Oct. A new production by the Welsh National Opera features Lesley Garrett in the lead role of an opera that promises plenty of ‘amorous intrigue’. Probably the complete opposite of a night out at Come Play.

Sing-Along A Rocky Horror Picture Show St. David’s Hall, 30 Sept.

Fancy singing along to this camp cult film? Well, you can warble in style along with the rest of the audience at St. David’s Hall. Oh, and feel free to go in costume. Bizarre.

Contained g39, 10 Sept. - 29 Oct. To celebrate Cardiff’s centenary, the contemporary art gallery plan to install metal shipping containers around the city centre. Inside will be works of art by various international artists. A perfect opportunity to get to know Cardiff better and see some art at the same time.

Art scene about

Arts

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Arts’ handy guide to the cream of Cardiff cultural venues. Enjoy.

Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road, Cathays

Showcases an exciting variety of contemporary theatre and more traditional plays at affordable prices. Keep an eye out for the outstanding Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama productions.

New Theatre Park Place Situated near Creation nightclub in the centre of town, New Theatre shows a range of productions, from traditional plays to contemporary dance. The theatre offers great student deals, including standby tickets for £5 on the night of a performance.

Martin Tinney Gallery St Andrew’s Crescent Private commercial art gallery which specialises in displaying work by Welsh and Wales-based artists.

This is a treat for classical music lovers, but St. David’s Hall comes up with a few surprises too (last year’s Jack Dee gig, for example).

They also run taster workshops on Saturdays which should particularly appeal to aspiring musicians.

National Museum and Gallery Cathays Park

Wales Millennium Centre Cardiff Bay

Jongleurs Comedy Club Millennium Plaza

films, and is home to a great bar.

Handily located in the centre of town, Jongleurs offers a night out with a difference. Both established names and upcoming comedians perform at the club. Jongleurs credits itself for launching the careers of Jack Dee and Lee Evans, amongst others, so a few good laughs should be had here. g39 Mill Lane

The Gate Keppoch Street, Roath Especially good for arty classes – brush up your skills in flamenco, African drumming or drama. The café bar is a great place for a chilled evening drink.

Accessible Welsh and contemporary paintings in the bay area.

cheaper seats are available.

Not just a stage for contemporary work from around the world, Chapter also features a cinema showing the latest releases and international

St. David’s Hall The Hayes

Situated right on campus, entrance to this museum and gallery is free.

As well as the usual permanent art exhibitions, there is always a guest collection that is worth a look. The free admission alone should persuade you to brush up on your art-y facts.

Bay Art Gallery Cardiff Bay

Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton

Shows all the big touring productions, including West End musicals. WMC is situated in the Bay and you can have a wander around the impressive venue during the day without needing a ticket. Shows are a bit pricey, but

This contemporary art gallery is housed in a converted shop, giving it an unusual appeal. The idea behind the gallery is to give new artists the chance to display work, so the exhibitions change frequently. g39 focuses on all mediums of visual art, so you might find video installation alongside sculpture next to a photograph.

The exhibitions held at g39 range from the bizarre to the fascinating and admission is free.

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Books

books@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

This week and coming your way in Books...

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clutch of almost wholly positive reviews, which is certainly no bad thing. Jonathan Coe’s latest gets the Quench treatment, and we delve into the seedy underworld of Cardiff presented to us by local writer Dennis Lewis in his debut collection of short stories, The Fevered Hive.

On the way in this most exciting and wonderful of sections, we’ll be reviewing such esteemed authors as Nicole Krauss, Chuck Palahniuk and Harvey Pekar, interviewing the prize-winning and quite fantastic Patrick Neate, having an in-depth look at Japanese fiction, and so much more. Trust. It’ll be wicked.

THE CLOSED CIRCLE Jonathan Coe Penguin

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he Closed Circle is big, bold and sharp. It is side-splittingly hilarious and achingly poignant, and never anything less than beautifully written. It really is that good.

‘Why?’ I hear you shout, ‘How can it possibly warrant such a barrage of rapturous journalistic clichés?!’

Well, I’ll get on to that. But first, a little background: Circle is the concluding half of an earlier novel by Coe, The Rotters’ Club, which focused on four teenagers’ coming of age in 1970s Birmingham.

But whereas that novel presented a nostalgic take on a bygone era, its sequel takes up the story some 20 years later in London, on the eve of the new millennium.

Change and upheaval are key themes in this novel (both personal and political), and the country is certainly a very different place; mobile phones are ubiquitous, multinational coffee chains dominate the high streets, and on television glamorous young female chefs pout at the camera, wiping sauce from their mouths ‘in a manner so explicitly suggestive of oral sex’ that a principal character in the novel finds himself getting an erection. And, of

course, Tony Blair and that grin run the country.

The Closed Circle is an inevitably different novel to its predecessor, and may initially seem disappointing - formerly minor characters are brought to the fore, and we discover that some of the loose ends left dangling at the end of the first novel are yet to be addressed in this one. And although letters, e-mails and even text messages go some way in furthering the narrative, Coe seems to rely less on stylistic flourishes than before (such as the breathless 15,000 word sentence that closed proceedings in The Rotters’ Club).

However, these gripes pale into insignificance as the novel unfolds and the multistranded storyline begins to pick up pace.

Coe’s strength lies in perfectly capturing the mood of a certain place and time, and then littering his story with engaging characters, each of whom are imperfect, appealing, and wholly believable. It’s a trick he pulled once before in the prize winning What a Carve Up, in which the Thatcher years fell victim to his satiric pen.

If anything The Closed Circle surpasses that novel, especially when considered as one half of a larger

COE: The man himself book encompassing both parts. It starts with Chapter 28 before making its way to the concluding Chapter 1, which is endearingly right where The Rotters’ Club began, as the offspring of two central protagonists discuss their parents’ lives in a Berlin restaurant. The narrative circle is indeed closed, and Coe takes obvious delight in wrapping up the lives of the characters that he clearly holds deep affection for.

How can it possibly warrant such a barrage of rapturous journalistic clichés?

This final chapter successfully encapsulates the essence of Coe’s body of work thus far, and in doing so necessitates an additional barrage of clichés, upon which this review itself will close: sensitive and thought provoking, while seamlessly written, it will also make you laugh and cry, right there on the same page.

Honestly, you’d be a fool not indulge.

James Skinner

Gimme’ fever THE FEVERED HIVE Dennis Lewis

Accent Press n office worker who believes his toaster is trying to kill him weeps over the injustices he finds in the local paper, before committing suicide in a high-rise tower block. A broken prostitute hasn’t made enough money for her pimp, but has an adequate amount of cocaine to see her through the consequences.

Meanwhile, a happily married father suffers a mini-breakdown in his hotel room after employing her services.

These are but a fraction of the characters that inhabit The Fevered Hive, a collection of short stories set in Cardiff by local author Dennis Lewis. And it’s fair to say that they

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Cardiff Bay

are generally representative of the piece as a whole, painting a vision of a violent and lonely city where even the drug squad is morally reprehensible, barely an improvement on the vicious thugs it hunts down. Lewis is clearly not a happy man.

Hive is a powerful and often shocking work, but thankfully for all the right reasons. Realities of drug and alcohol abuse, homelessness and prostitution are presented to the reader not merely as some kind of desperate hook, but dealt with sensitively and not without a peppering of black humour. In addition to this, Lewis’s talent for wordplay is consistently striking and inventive - whether describing the ‘neurological jetstream’ of a cocaine rush or the ‘lumbering’ of the four-wheel drive cars clogging up the city roads (‘genetically enhanced war elephants used to threaten and intimidate’).

B o o k s 35 To consider Hive a completely pessimistic work would also be a mistake; in The Other Side a poor young girl grows up to marry the man she loves and claim the job of her dreams; a young boy is so transfixed by the beauty of an oak tree outside of town that he grows one next to his block (Davey’s Oak); and in Wales Forever two Iraqi refugees find the city a warm and welcoming home.

Like the very best collections of short stories, Hive offers a pantheon of characters placed in memorable (sometimes devastating) situations that make for an intense, thrilling and highly compulsive read – albeit one that is certainly not for the faint-hearted.

James Skinner Dennis Lewis is interviewed in the next issue of Quench

Rough and read-y fiction THE ROUGH GUIDE TO CULT FICTION Rough Guides

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his dinky, cute, actually pocketsized. little book is, gratifyingly, everything that it should be.

As well as covering over 200 ‘cult’ authors, it includes a superb section on graphic novels, and a trivia chapter so exhaustive it’s a wonder they managed to cram everything in.

But what places this book head and shoulders above the numerous other ‘Guides’ of this world is the sheer attention to detail. The literary icons you might expect are all present and covered, as well as the big con-

temporary names of the moment (such as Closed Circle author Jonathan Coe). So too are numerous unsung heroes of fiction - authors such as B.S. Johnson, Michael Chabon and John Fante, who can’t claim the column inches or notoriety that Kerouac or Salinger command.

Knowledge and enthusiasm practically bleed from these pages, and an evident love of the genres covered is apparent throughout.

For anyone with any interest in any cult fiction ever, I can’t recommend it highly enough.

James Skinner (Right) Kerouac’s typewriter and some choice cult titles

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Going Out

goingout@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

Unionllife With Freshers’ week looming imminently over head Lisa O’Brien takes you on a whistle stop tour of the Union and what it has to offer.

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reshers’ week is equally daunting and exciting, with so many watering holes to explore it can be hard not knowing what to expect.

The fear of being charged £10 for a watered down piss-pint or being leered at by drunken old letches is not a great way to start your Uni experience.

There is no better place to find your feet and experience some cracking nights out than in the Union itself, and with so many specially organised events it would be crazy to go anywhere else.

The Taf is very much the heart and soul of the Union. It is the perfect place to start a night out as entry is free to NUS members and there are always plenty of drinks promotions to ease you into your student loan. Its open plan layout, chilled seating area, pool tables and games machines make it a great place to relax with new mates, but arrive early as it fills up quickly.

Alternatively if you fancy flexing your brain cells before term officially starts, why not try the Taf pub quiz; “Who Wants to be a Clever Dick?” which kicks off at 8pm every Sunday.

Solus, the Union’s nightclub has three rooms which hosts a number of feature nights throughout the week

RUBBER DUCK: Watching the people get lairy. And whatnot

catering for all different musical tastes meaningthere is something to suit everyone.

Start your week as you mean to go on with Fun Factory, Monday nights 10pm-2am, Cardiff’s best alternative night out. Entry is free for NUS members and there are always plenty of fantastic drinks promotions (Carling £1 a pint) to help the evening along.

This year Freshers’ fortnight is kicking off on 21/09 with the Union’s crazy theme night, Rubber Duck.

Tickets are £3 in advance or £3.50 on the door. Rubber Duck is set to become a second home for any of you planning to join a sports society. But beware of society initiations; they can be a great spectator sport but not so fun if you are the inebriated soul having to drink a dirty pint out of your best mates jock strap.

If you are still riding the beer wave

by Thursday why not check out Replay (Freshers’ fortnight only), reminisce with some blasts from the past as the we celebrate everything everything great from 70’s, 80’s and 90’s, plus you have a to boogey on down with Jason Donovan (29/09).

Fat Fridays kick starts the weekend with a mixture of Pop and Indie and amazing drinks offers, double vodka and a dash £2.50 & double vodka

and Red Bull £3.50, that will make any night go off with a bang.

Saturday’s amazingly popular Come Play should round your week off nicely ensuring that nothing short of an O.C omnibus and a greasy fry up will rouse you from your bed on Sunday.

An eclectic mixture of Chart Classics, Pop, Dance Rock and Hip Hop will have everyone on their feet by the end of the night. Tickets are £3.50 in advance but book early as this one’s a sell out.

If you are still not satisfied with that little feast then fear not as the Union has laid on further delights with gigs from Reel Big Fish, Supergrass, The Coral and many more.

If you fancy a mid-week break from dancing then come along to Seren Las on Tuesday (1st floor of the Union) for a spectacular night of comedy.

This is only a snap shot of what is going on in the union so keep your eyes open for details of other nights out, such as the Traffic Light Party, Freshers’ Party and Who the F**k Are You? all set to make your Freshers’ as manic and memorable as you could wish for.

Whatever you decide to do just make sure you have fun and keep safe.

Blind Date

blinddate@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

37

Blind Date goes

MATE

STREET

l ia c e p S k e e W ’ Freshers Interested in finding your streetmate?

Email blinddate@gairrhydd.com

It’s all about sharing the love!

38 T e l e v i z z l e

Tu n n e l V ision

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By TV John Television Editor

ou’d better get used to this.

No, not the actuality that the information on this page is factually and technically incorrect (that comes as standard) but the wonderful, beautiful little candy shop of horrors that is daytime television.

Don’t pretend you don’t indulge already, you lazy good-for-nothing scrotes, but this September you are due to become professional lazy goodfor-nothing scrotes, so come prepared: eyes down, morning after pill and slap-round-the-face ready, it’s time to get inactive.

Much has changed on the morning schedules since the summer. Trisha’s knobbed off to five, and now ITV1 has rinsed the last ounce of gob from her contract spit-bucket, in comes Jeremy Kyle, the latest hot product from the self-righteous God-bothering conveyor belt. Not one to mince his words (apart from when men in drag are on,

KYLE: Jezz In Your Face

television@gairrhydd.com

Quench 05 09 05

suspiciously, when Jezzers mighty morals gibber off out the window), although at 65 minutes a show, you get too many of them in your face to better Trisha.

THIS MAY HAVE changed by the time the last summer sun sets on the August Bank Holiday horizon, but Channel 4’s line-up comprises of nasal US comedy Everybody Loves Raymond, Marissa’s lesbian dabblings in repeats of The O.C.. followed by Playing it Straight, a rumbunctious fag-bagging spectacular where camp men in stetsons er, pretend to be camp men in stetsons.

Aside from T4’s disgusting decision to swap repeats of Frasier for Friends (in case their viewers raised their intelligence), this triple-whammy of imported tripe goes down like the aforementioned Marissa “discovering” herself. Make the most of all this though, as come September, the only discovering going on will be about how to irrigate farmland on Channel 4 Schools. At this point, take a moment to mourn the passing of Richard Whitely, as this almost certainly spells the end of Countdown, and unless you like “Oh my God, I’m so rich, but I still really need a TV show to pay me a wadge of readies to help me buy a new villa for my eight children in Spain” property location shows (which you shouldn’t) C4 in the afternoon is well worth avoiding.

BBC1 HAVE KEPT the majority of their Autumn schedule under wraps, apart from a show apparently about people who are on the dole but are living fruitful lives nonetheless, so you could pick up some tips for a few years time.

It’s presented by Adrian Chiles too, who as a West Brom fan, knows a bit about timewasting little turds who scrounge money off other people whilst doing nothing to deserve it. The one constant on the nation’s premier channel (unless there’s tennis, or football, or horse racing, or it’s too hot, or the scheduler’s wife “had a headache” last night, in which case it seems it’s fair game to cancel it when they feel like it) is Neighbours.

No longer the tour de force it once was (i.e. since Skye stopped being a goth), but recently there are signs it’s back on track and chugging along nicely. Evil Paul Robinson getting one

Timmins: Nice Rack up on The Wettest Wanker - David Bishop is guaranteed hilarity, and with new dribble inducers like Stingray’s family, the Timmins’s. Featuring Dylan and Janae, who are, respectively, a surf-dude degenerate and a saucy schoolgirl prick-teaser who causes one man on her official web forum to “not eat meals properly and lose sleep” and “want to move to Australia becase (he) loves her so much”, and another to comment “nice rack for a 15 year old”.

This September you are due to become professional lazy good-for-nothings, so come prepared I’m not too sure about the other sister with the face like a turnip, but then Summer had to find somebody with a more vegitative mug than her eventually. Oh yeah, and David, Serena and that thicko women who hangs around with them are getting AXED! THE BEST NEWS of course, is that E4 is to become a music television channel during the day, so if you haven’t seen James Blunt wet his pants in a frozen lake just yet, your time will surely come. Happy viewing kids!

In The Beginning There Was Light. Then God Created T he...

Vinyl

Quench 05 09 05

Resting

with Bastian Springs

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Place

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By Bastian Springs Fresher, cleaner

et fresh! It’s that time of the season. The one week of the year where you can guarantee I’ll be staying at home rocking uncontrollably on my kitchen floor with my head in my hands, silently screaming in agoraphobic rage. Not in this lifetime, or any other, am I going to veture outside during Freshers’ Week. Why should you fuckers get your own week? Why can’t patriots such as myself, who are so post-grad I qualify for a retirement pension, get a special week, where hipster funk and Andrew WK get hourly rotation in the clubs instead of the bogstandard wet-fart music guffed out by DJ Testicle-Sniffer at Creation the new kids on the Cardiff block will be barfing over each other’s genitalia to this September. Meanwhile, turn the clocks back to 2001, when yours truly was a Fresher. These works of genius soundtracked my first week at university, and (without excessively exaggerating here) are entirely responsible for making my life a living misery, a Senghennydd Court festerer and the cynical beast you see now before you.

Record #13 - The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So Crime: Retro-Fad in Full Effect

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f your country of origin was anywhere except the UK and you knew how to do up a tie, then late 2001 was wham-bam fuck-you man for dribbling students and pouting poseur pricks.

Although technically this single wasn’t released until early 2002, it’s parent album Your New Favorite Band was inflicted into my face within five minutes of my arrival in Cardiff, and any number of

imbecilic beer-guzzling pseudoRick Witter lookalikes bawling the praises of The Hives’ gawking brand of harmless yet charmless retro punk did not a promising listen make.

Answers on a postcard marked Hype-guzzler, Talybont South to anyone who can actually point out what was good about this dangerously average four-chord fret-fumble, or why every arcade-dwelling tight-leather-retailing boutique

which are a good idea until you start your second week pumped this bloodstained semen of a tune again, into my face.

Then, when the clubs picked up a copy and planks with Carhatt and Bench combo’s swarmed to the dancefloor like Libertines fans to the dole queue, indie music died on it’s fashionista ass, AND we were still a year away from The Datsuns! Rubbish.

Hives: Elephant’s plonker not pictured

Record #14 - Afroman - Because I Got High Crime: Posession (Of No Musical Integrity) and Trafficking (Cack)

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Afroman: Doped up

nyone else noticed that Kevin Smith has done fuck-all of any use since he invited Afroman in for a bit of cocksmoking nerd loving?

Aside from single-handedly ruining a perfectly innocent writer and director’s credibility, Afroman has a lot to anwer for. So he didn’t go to court, or pay his child support so his wife and kids fucked off? Arf! That’s hil-lar-ious! And there’s the sound of him toking up between lines. Haha! Move over Woody Allen, there’s a new king in town.

The worst crime, which to be fair to the big-muffed buttsmudger wasn’t his fault, was that through his hamfisted nursery rhyme dirge integrating itself into popular culture, Afroman caused a thousand piss-riddled punks leaving the Union to construct their own version of his Magnum opus. Budding lyricists and no doubt creative students staggered down Park Place to the sound of “I was gonna go to my flat, but I was drunk” or (and this, unbelievably, I did hear) “I was gonna go and get drunk, but I was drunk.”

Brilliant. One time, I was walking home and two cameltoed strippers-in-denial lunged out the door of Come Play. I think I heard them squark “I was gonna get a degree, but I’m a dicktickling slag-whore so I’m going on the pill now I’m at Univeristy because both my parents are GPs, and now please excuse me whilst me and Marigold my rich gin-drinking housemate pretend to be lesbians to entice Robbie Rancid from the floor downstairs into my pants.” I mean, I think I did, but I’m not sure. Because I was high, duuuude.

Who’s up next week? Mariah Carey? Editors? Maximo Park? CJ Lewis? Until then, rest in peace xxx Challenge Bastian to a ‘who knows more about shit music duel’... bastian@gairrhydd.com

end of a long and bloody battle. Male warriors danced over a small round shield called a Targe. Great skill and dexterity was needed in performing due to a sharp spike of steel which portruded from the centre.

The Highland Fling, which is performed on the spot is based upon the antics of the stag; antlers are represented by upheld arms and grouped fingers. The term ‘fling’ expresses the key step. In Groom’s parlance a horse is said to ‘fling like a cow’ when it raises a leg and strikes.

The Highland dancer performs a similar move; dancing on each leg alternately as the other is flung forward and back.

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ered head of his enemy. Another story argues that the dance was performed before the battle commenced, as a prophetic ritual. If many soldiers kicked over their swords, the clan chieftain would expect to lose the battle.

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THE BAGPIPE DERIVES FROM NEAR EASTERN CIVILISATIONS. Although the bagpipes are most commonly associated with Highland Scotland, their pedigree goes back to prehistoric shawms and hornpipes. They achieved to today’s familiar form in the 16th and 17th centuries, and survived within Scotland due to their presence in the Scottish armies.

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THE EXISTENCE OF ‘THE FURRY DANCE’ The Mayday Floral Dance takes place annually in the Cornish town of Helston.

Local people perform four dances on a set route throughout the town; at 7am, at 10am (the children’s dance), at 12pm (which has a strict dress code, the men being in top hats and tails, and the ladies in big hats and dresses), and 5pm (repeat of the 7am performance).

The festival is a celebration of the re-awakening of Spring and was originally a pagan festival. The word ‘furry’ is believed to derive from the Cornish word for fair or jubilee - ‘fer’ or ‘foray’ - which means sudden outing. In the past, anyone found at work on this day was ducked in the river Cober.

At the very least, celtic dance reveals some of the more pleasant aspects of our ancestors. But for many, these forms of dance are a symbol of heritage and a by-gone era that whispers of bloody battles, pagan rituals and defiance in the face of persecution.

SCOTTISH DANCE DAMNS THE THE WELSHWEARING OF MOORISH TOUSERS CONNECTION The Seann Triubhas Dancers often blacked (pronounced ‘shawn their faces, establishing trews’) is gaelic for ‘old links to the origin of the trousers’, and reputedly Morris Dance and dressdates from the rebellion of TROUSERS: ing themselves up as 1745 when Bonnie Prince Ban this filth Moors. In later years, Charlie lost to the English wishing to disguise at the battle of Culloden. one’s identity appears to As a penalty, the wearbe an additional reason. ing of kilts was prohibited and Seann Teams of dancers in North Wales Triubhas was a dance of celebration responding to the Proscription Repeal were seen in the Conway Valley, Vale of Clwyd, and Dee Valley. It was a which once again allowed kilts and genuine. and sometimes very necesbagpipes to be worn. sary, way of earning money Particular movements for out of work labourers. in this dance actually depict shedding the THE PERSERVERANCE loathed trousers and OF THE WELSH enjoying the freedom STEEPLE-HAT. of the kilt once In spite of being compared more. unfavourably to the French version and the fact that it was SCOTTISH universal headgear for the DANCE: A Roundheads, this symbol of CELEBRAWelsh folk dance is internationTION OF ally recognised. For some BATTLE VICTORY ambiguous reason, ladies in the The tune to the Almhouses at Castle Riding, Sword Dance Norfolk, still wear red cloaks and (Gillie Challum) steeple hats on Sundays. probably dates In Pembroke, an back to the time of Malcolm KING MALCOLM: “Lead ancestral memory persists that the women Canmore, King of our first battle worthy of Fishguard scared the Scots, who MacDuff.” Etc. away Napoleon’s appears in invading armarda from the cliff-top Shakespeare’s MacBeth. Theories position in hats not unlike those of abound as to the original nature of your childhood witches. this dance, but it is popularly believed that the Sword Dance celebrated victory as the King danced THE FURRY DANCE: over the bloody claymore (two-handed Neither super nor involvbroadsword of Scotland) and the seving animals - shame

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