Quench - Issue 31

Q U E N C H INTERVIEWS - FASHION - GAY - TRAVEL - MUSIC - BOOKS - DIGITAL - FILM ARTS - FOOD - GOING OUT - TV - BLIND DATE - CULT CLASSICS 3 VO L .

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Contents Cardiff University

04 06 07 08 10 15 16 18 24 25 27 30 38 44 46 47

Best Student Publication 2005

quench@gairrhydd.com

Mr Chuffy: CAP THIS Cult Classics: More W arriors than Gladiators Fashion: Round, round get around Features: Look who’s stalking now Interviews: Killa Kela, not a Keenan Food: Sand, which is the best?

Travel: City breaks (MCFC’s season... soon) Debate: Graph E.T. Reviews: Football crazy, football mad/sad Books: The glory of it all (the editor’s beard) Film: Domino still like a broken Skoda Music: More of a ‘Shambles than usual Arts: You can tell by the way I walk...

TV: Television - very not shit Bastian the Springs: For it is he

Editor Will Dean Executive editor Tom Wellingham Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan

Sub-editors Emma Wilkins, Sam Coare, Catherine Gee Arts Kim O’Connor, Rebecca Child Blind Date Sarah Ahmed Books James Skinner Columnists John Widdop, Tim Lewis, Gareth Paisey Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Helen Rathbone Digital Sam Curtis Fashion Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker Features Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Hannah Perry Film Catherine Gee, Ryan Owen Food Sian Hughes Gay Fenar Muhammed-Ali Going Out Lisa O’Brien Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Andy Johnson Music Sam Coare, Harold Shiel, Greg Cochrane One Trick Pony Geordie Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou Travel Bec Storey, Amy Harrison Vox Pop Culture Sophie Robehmed

Contributors Emily Akers, George Tsargaris, Laura Hinson, Vicki Hemmings, Michael Chung, Kate Davies, Marta Karniluk, Chris Roger, Will Hitchin, Andy Mickel, Samuel Strang, Craig Nunes, Georgie Easton, Alex Wallis, Dan Every, John Mackrell, Rebecca Sare, James Meredith, Tom Frost, Liz Stephens, Michela Riva, Ewen Hosie, Tom Howard, Matthew Hilt, Kirsten Hinks, Sarah Day, Rebecca Childs, Lucy Sutters, Andrew White, Jenna Harris, Tom Williams, Annabel Lee, Lura Davies, Colm Loughlin, Rosie Powling, Finn ScottDelany, Jadine Wringe, Peter Brown, Alex Buxton, Tom Brookes Proof readers Andrew Mickel, Xandria Horton Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: “Can you tell a person’s mood by the way they turn a key?”

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QED

Best Student Magazine Nominee 2005

OTP: Feline invasion

07 11 05

T

he sad thing about the rise and rise of computer games, from the Sega Master System to the Playstation 2 is the demise of another great cultural institution – the beleaguered board game.

Or so you'd think, apparently the deluge of 3D worlds haven't quite killed table top games, but you do have to wonder why the makers of Monopoly have to put out a plethora of parochial versions (Gloucestershire Monopoly anyone?) every other week.

Anyway, my friends and I have been multi-handedly trying to revive the board game as a central tenet of our, admittedly banal, social life.

Whether it be filling the long pointless summer days playing Scrabble, term-time Sundays with a swift game of Risk or Friday nights playing Trivial Pursuit, I'd say we were giving it a darned good go. Despite the hoots of derision from certain bar owners (you know who you are) we collected pieces of Trivial pie/cake from first to last orders. Admittedly by the time we’d got all six pieces we were in farce territory - yes guys, Scotland is a country.

Now I, as my housemates will profess, like computers as much as anyone. Our X-Box is rarely switched off; but despite offering a space for four people to blow seven shades of shit out of each other it all seems a bit, well, distant. Halo 2 might be escapist enough to almost make you believe you are on another planet, but sitting down with a glass of wine and some of your best mates trying to find out who knows where Lake Balaton is*, is lots more fun.

Without wanting to start some kind of extremist board game collective ("What do we want? More people playing Boggle! When do we want it? Now/On/Won!") I'd like you all to whip out a board game this week, buy some booze, put some music on, turn off the telly and play your hearts out until you can conclusively prove that 1. Board Games are ace and 2. It was Cool. Mustard in the Library with the banjo. If that fails you, there’s no hope left. *It's Hungary. But you knew that.

4 One Trick Pony

07 11 05

He’ll be back (not from the dead)

T

13th. Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams, his week, Geordie’s curiosity of founder of the Crips gang, was con‘what would happen if a girl victed of the murder of four people took over his page’ got the betand has spent 24 years on death row. ter of him and, after being dropped His trial, back in 1981, was a quesout of a moving van somewhere in tionable one indeed with there being the Pembrokeshire countryside, he only moderate evidence to suggest has temporarily relinquished control of OTP. Initially luring him away with promises of lewd tirades about small penises and other fun I have now removed the distasteful carrot and will spend the rest of the page bending your eyes with stories about hair Standing In straighteners and tampon mishaps. Or not. his culpability and the jury comprising Ranting about Americans is always of white people only after the proseso much more fun. In the news, cution saw off any with Africansmarmy Arnie Schwarzenegger has American ‘tendencies’. Being a black been given a novel chance to do The man himself, it is no real surprise Right Thing. that Tookie went down.

Last week, Californian superior Since being in prison this man has court judge William Pounders gave a completely repented of his crimes death row inmate a mere fortnight to and his actions have seen him nomiapply for clemency when he set the date for his legal murder at December nated for five Nobel peace prizes, one

CAT

“

Stories about hair straighteners and tampon mishaps

Nobel literature prize and (probably unintentional had they known who he was) a commendation from the White House. He has campaigned against gangland warfare and counselled misled young rapscallions from his prison cell.

Being an inspiration to ‘thugs’ everywhere, his life is now in the hands of Conan the Barbarian. I’m sure the irony of one the US’s less execution-happy states having The Terminator as governor will not be lost on most people. When we bear in mind that clemency has not been granted in California since 1967 and that Arnie has also twice refused to save the lives of two other death row inmates, Tookie’s chances sure don’t look too pretty. Both times when Gov’ refused clemency to death row inmates he publicly declared that exceptional behaviour behind bars doen’t make them any less guilty of their crimes. As the decision has not yet been made the Schwarz can’t yet be chucked right back into tosserville but one fears that is where he is headed. ❑ Geordie is away, but alive.

(Overrated) One month later and my loan still has yet to arrive. And why is that? Did the forms wing their way to my home like they did everybody elses? No they didn’t. Did it take me until I arrived back in Cardiff to realise something was missing. Well yes it did.

I know what you’re thinking, you should be responsible for your own finances by now and should at least be adult enough to notice when a loan request form is absent. Yes I know I’m 22 and yes I know I should really have twigged sooner than the 4th of September that no one had told me whether or not I would be getting my three grand. But what do you think I’m at uni for exactly? To learn? Bollocks to that, I’m here to further push back the onslaught of growed up-dom. Besides 22 is too young to be properly responsible really. No it is. Oh shut up.

( The Student Loan Company/my LEA ) ( Real Food ) My persistence in subsisting on stuff that shouldn’t really fall under the category of ‘food’ (food being nourishment) is becoming a bit worrying. Let me illustrate with examples, lunch today has consisted of peanut butter on toast. Peanut butter is great, it’s filling and the nuts give energy. Unfortunately, it is also full of fats and nasty chemicals that I don’t understand. Tea the night before last was a pack of Oreo cookies. I’d lost interest in trying to decide what to eat and ate them as a way of passing the time till some form of recipe epiphany struck. I subsequently didn’t bother to eat anything else. The imagination required to cook real food is something that I am sure is in the genes and I was at the back of the queue discussing Mars bars with Elvis when God was ‘dishing’ out culinary skills.

(Underrated)

L e g e n d

OTP

op p V OcXu l t u r e

GUY FAWKES:

Can a ‘terrorist’ be an inspiration?

A

name not a single soul in the English-speaking world doesn’t know: Guy Fawkes. The first real terrorist/freedom fighter.

Fair enough, attempting mass murder may not be the most humane way to get your point heard, but at least he tried.

Nowadays, we have the media, the internet and the human right of free speech at our disposal. If we want to kick up a stink about something it ain’t all that hard. But way back in the 17th century, to criticise the God-chosen monarch was a crime in itself. The only way to make a difference was to obliterate those who stood in your way. You have to admire their courage and imagination.

The gunpowder plot wasn’t just any old assassination attempt. Oh no, they wanted to wipe out the entirety of the houses of parliament in one fell swoop. Moreover, Fawkes’ determination was so strong that it took three whole days of torture to make him crack.

Somehow, can’t imagine the Paxman would last that long.

Compared to today’s armchair critics the man is an inspiration. He felt underrepresented and he and his buddies decided to do something about it. The pen may well be mightier than the sword but 2.5 tonnes of gunpowder shits all over both. And then some.

T o s s e r

W

orking in one of Cathay’s ‘finest’ drinking establishments I encounter the species of humankind on a shiftly basis. On my CV are three previous bar jobs and although they can be riotous fun, at times the main thing that lets the place down are the customers.

Not all of them, don’t be getting me wrong, there’s a few out there who are perfectly agreeable people.

I’m talking about the ones who were either never taught manners as a child or the manners they were taught just dropped straight out of their heads as soon as they left home. Here’re a few tips on bar etiquette: the person serving you is

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unlikely to be blind, do not wave things in front of our faces. We are also not metaphorically ‘below’ you in the world, coming to the bar and saying ‘Carling’ is not an acceptable way to talk to your fellow man.

Do not vomit on our bar unless you are armed with Mr Muscle, a bucket of water, a sponge and one bigass apology. Telling bar staff to ‘smile’ is possibly more deserving of a public flogging than terrorism.

Don’t do it. We are at work serving dickheads like you for minimum wage, what the fuck is there to smile about? Also, if you’re an international student: in Britain we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and don’t click our fingers to get a bar person’s attention.

CUSTOMERS:

Watch the revered British polite sensibility get washed down the drain

Vox Pop-Culture delves into the murky world of your culture collections... this week Ex-TV Manners, 22, ‘Teacher’

FIRST AND WORST CD… The first CD was The Verve’s Urban Hymns and the worst CD had to be my Englebert Humperdink’s Classic Gold Collection.

BESTEST BOOK… It would have to be Philip Pullman’s Dark Materials Trilogy because it concurs with my love of the church and organised religion.

THE LAST FILM I WENT TO SEE… The last film I saw was Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride. I enjoyed it although I found the female lead strangely attractive.

FAVOURITE TELLY… The one and only Dawson’s Creek, Nip/Tuck and Green Wing.

IF I WERE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER I’D BE… I would be Pugwall from Pugwall’s Summer so that I could have a sister called Marmaloide and I could play in the band, The Orange Organics.

THE ONE PIECE OF POP CULTURE I COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT… My collection of The Ataris’ albums because in a fire, I would save them before my stripy jumpers.

Vox Pop-Culture needs you!

Look out for us on the Union steps armed with nothing but a dictaphone and camera.

Get thinking!

C u l t C l a s s i c s

classics@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

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This week it’s the glam-bam-thank-you-mam era of bouffant funk, you jive-talking mo-fo THE WARRIORS Walter Hill 1979

Explosuve hair, hairy explosions

W

ith Hollywood seemingly unwilling to take risks on anything even vaguely different, the latest cinematic trend of remaking old films is safe. MTV Films have recently rooted around in the greatest era of innovative filmmaking (the 1970s) and are currently remaking (read: butchering) this ultimate cult classic.

But why whinge when we still have the original. A gritty street flick, The Warriors tells the story of nine young gang members from Coney Island attending a huge gang conference headed by the mysterious Cyrus, a man with one goal - the creation of one gang to rule New York. But when Cyrus is assassinated and the murder wrongfully pinned on The Warriors, they must make their way back to Coney with every gang in the city baying for their blood.

A film about real outsiders battling impossible odds The Warriors is violent, funny and full of absolutely chilling suspense. The slightly ropey acting, dodgy costumes and funky 70s soundtrack also adds a camp yet endearing quality. Culturally influential and unbelievably cool, enjoy it now and enjoy a true original.

Tom Brookes

THE WARRIORS: Outsiders

FAT ALBERT “Fat fat fat we’re gonna have a good time” He’ll lose weight when he feels like it

H

ey Hey Hey! Its Fat Albert everyone’s favourite foul mouthed sloth. A man who, like most cartoon legends, never washed his jumper or saw the need to change trousers but earnt our respect through his wise council every week. I tried to buy some Fat Albert trousers once from TK Maxx (they weren’t his or anything) but they were just too big. Truly this is a larger then life character.

ALBERT: Reach for the pies How do Albert and his gang mirror the genre I am trying to cover this week? I’m not really sure but through my own ignorance, which accepts the notion that if it’s black, funky and slick then it fits, I feel the need to justify this cartoon of pure genius.

Fat Albert started as the brainchild of Bill Cosby who we will always remember for his charmingly befuddled nature and excellent taste in sweaters that were beautifully complimented by his sublime lime chords.

Secondly (and this relates more to Albert then the gang) they tackled real problems that face us all everyday whilst struggling under the weight of, quite literally, weight. And they did it with class, real class and guile that makes all us students seem oafish and childlike in comparsion.

Matthew Turtle

THE FUTURE? IS THE FRILLY PANTS bootilicious genre of 70s glam funk in danger?

Are we on the verge of calling it a forgotten past? The most recent film I can remember that borrowed from its heavily stylised format was the howlingly unfunny Austin Powers 3: The Revenge of the Killer Robot Bikini Men from Mars; and Doctor Evil. The film would feature an aesthetic but ultimately rubbish performance from respected political commentator Beyonce Knowles who played the role of Austin’s frivilous one time squeeze.

BUT FEAR NOT for there is the imminent release of the Fat Albert film and a Warriors re-release to bring the funk back into our lives. This has of course been complimented by the tireless efforts of comedy writers globally. Mention must be given to both South Park and Family Guy who have both borrowed from the genre to fuel their comic designs.

Meanwhile on our own shores the recent series of The Mighty Boosh recently managed to write in an embodiment of the funk whose funk juice gave birth to a generation of funkateers. With this knowledge in mind we can rest assure that the funk is here to stay.

ARE YO ASSE U A JIVE MOT D BLOW -TALKING I HERFUCKNG IN TH TURKEY E WI ER? C U LT CLAS N W SICS CLASSIC RITE FO D @GA R IRRH S AT YDD. COM

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Fashion

fashion@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

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WRe-use, re-design, design re-create - Clare Hooker talks to innovative duo Junky Styling

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JUNKY STYLING: Recycled shirt dress and shirt hoody

estroy, repair, enhance, reform and... bingo.

Not a typical approach to making garments, but best friends, Annika Sanders and Kerry Seager found a niche in the fashion industry with an ethical company; Junky Styling.

It all started with a secondhand gentleman’s pinstriped suit. It was deconstructed and then twisted, flipped, folded and moulded into its second life as a tailored garment. Some seven years later John Galliano is a fan and their creations are sold around the world.

They currently sell in boutiques in Tokyo, Barcelona, Amsterdam and Belfast and as Seager commented “we have not opened a store in the US, while we envisage Junky over the pond in the future, at the moment our growth is concentrated in Europe and Japan,as well as here in the UK.” Each piece is so unique, a photo is the only record of it once it has left the shop floor, which, by the by, is recycled from an old nunnery! ‘Waste not want not’ really is the motto here and it works to promote individuality. The influence is purely creativity as the names of their collections suggest; Armchair Thriller, Twisted City, Chinese Burn Up, Shop HipHop. Eclectic mixes of textures, prints, colours and cuts, demonstrate the main drive to create and produce beautiful clothing. The whole idea was born through their passion for individualism.

The message that Junky doesn’t customize but recycle is clearer on closer inspection. Skirts were jackets, trouser legs were cuffs, torsos were sleeves.

Corsets, necklaces, belts, cuffs from zips, dresses from suits.

What’s more they offer a ‘Wardrobe surgery’ which can transform your old, ill fitting clothes into favourite items. Say ta-ta to saggy bums, short legs, baggy backs and crappy macs. As you are part of the design process, any fashion upheavals that reoccur with regular garments can lend themselves to something new.

The material of suits is favoured as it is so durable. As Seager criticises the high street for being ‘untrendy and falling apart after a short space of time combined with very cheap and very fashion’ it is clear that Junky Styling will be kept in a league of its own as it goes from continent to continent.

They work closely with their stockists so as to achieve the best recycled styles for their clientele, males and females aged 20-65! Items on their shop floor range in price from around £30 to over £300.

Junky is genius; affordable and sustainable clothing that can be worn for years until it falls off, and even then, it can be stitched back together!

You can visit Junky Styling at junkystyling.co.uk

Fashion capitals Emily Akers visits some of London and Cardiff’s hippest design spots

L

ondon, the home of fashion in the UK - where trends begin and likewise are killed; a glorious truth considering what we've had to put up with in the fashion world recently.

Coming from a point where literally anything goes, finally the new autumn/winter collections are cleaning up and calming down.

This fresh season of fashion is surprisingly optimistic. No longer are we stuck in the sexual orgy of fashion or a vintage rut, we are starting to look forward to new fashion of the future. If the frill-free funnel neck straight lines are not for you, then maybe you should take a trip down to London and experience some of the diversity fashion's new designers are experimenting with.

Women’s fashion is taking a continental flavour this season in London, with several tasty new ranges out. German designer Stephanie Oberg's new label Von Sono finally crosses the border between catwalk and street style. Talented beyond her years (having won the prestigious Hyeres prize in 2001) her range is modest in appearance, and slightly imperfect with wonky collars and muddled dye jobs; perfect for all of us who get up for lectures after they've already started and need a throw-on look that you can actually justify. Why not accessorise with Belgian-born Nathalie Brilli's accessories? Taking leather and suede away from the biker revolution, her jewellery is strictly couture in sophisticated blacks, greens, golds and champagne.

Men should check out Johnathon Anderson. Having worked with labels such as Prada, this stylist obviously knows what he's talking about so don't be put off by first impressions. Describing himself as a gypsy, he reclaims bits of junk such as silk chinese masks, Chanel samples and feathers, and weaves them into his woollen-based masterpieces. His more extreme one-offs can provide you with a little entertainment in the shop - because we know how much fun you find shopping without it boys!

For those of us who are finding courses (or the pints we want after) more expensive than we thought, there's also a lot of affordable fashion out on the high street that can obtain the same looks. And you don't even have to go to London to get it.

Mixing it up in shops such as Topshop and H&M is easy to do but why not throw in a dash of some of the less well known shops in Cardiff. Go to Drop Dead Budgie or Dax Clothing in the Royal Arcade or one of the many charity shops down Albany Road, to buy a more original 'fancy dress' piece. Get affordable designer ranges from Drooghi in the Castle Arcade, or if you're feeling really adventurous, head to City Road to all the cheap fabric shops and adapt your own pieces with beads and fabric... cheap and yet totally unique.

Affordable fashion is all well and good when it comes down to bank visits on a Saturday morning, but we're young, lets live it up a little...go luxury! Frida Gianinni, Gucci's newest designer, has released a (thankfully hard to forge and therefore ''chav-free'') range of leather bags, footwear, luggage and scarves. Gone are the days of old style GG logos, boast a little cash and take some retail therapy in London. Alternatively head down to Mermaid Quay (a lot cheaper on the bus than Oxford Street!) in Cardiff Bay to The Designer Room and splash out on some cut price designer goods.

Whatever your price, whatever your style, there's guaranteed to be new designers releasing ranges every day to suit your wants.

Be spontaneous and buy something different this winter.

Fashion

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Features

features@gairrhydd.com

G N I K L A T STALKIN

07 11 05

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With stalking rates increasing, Megan Conner investigates the problem

H

arvey Nichols shop assistant Clare Bernal was only 22 when her ex-boyfriend, Michael Pech, brutally murdered her at work.

In the months that led up to her death, she was continually intimidated and harassed by her department store’s former security guard, and it was only weeks before he was due in court to be sentenced for harassment that he killed Clare. After shooting her in the head several times, he turned the gun on himself.

Tragedies like this do not happen every day. In fact, the proportion of 16 to 59-year-olds that experience persistent attention from unwanted parties is still small, despite an increase in 1998.

While the statistics for stalking victims remain low, what they do tell us is either that the number of victims is rising, or that we are beginning to take the issue of stalking more seriously - it could well be both.

Tracey Morgan, the founder of the Network for Surviving Stalking (NSS), argues that while many cases of stalking and harassment may be minor, stalking should still be recognised as a "serious crime with a potential for tragedy”.

It was her experience of being stalked which led her to form the NSS as a support network for victims like herself, who were not being given the right kind of help and advice.

"I was told that unless my stalker had actually committed an offence, nothing could be done to help me

and that I was just being paranoid," says Tracey.

"Coping with the fear and isolation of being stalked was bad enough, but I had to take on the criminal justice system too. It convinced me something had to be done to make society sit up and listen to those affected by stalking."

“

“Coping with fear and isolation was bad enough, but I had to take on the justice system too” This was six years ago, when the Protection from Harassment Act of 1997 had not yet been implemented.

It was with the help of Tracey’s campaign for legislation that protection was given to stalking victims.

In 1999 Tracey formed the NSS, now an internationally recognised success that continues to support those affected by stalking and contributes to the public understanding of stalking and it’s effects.

But while there are many foundations, charities and trusts that do support victims of stalking today, the larger issue now is that many victims do not initially believe themselves to be real targets of harassment - and often fail to recognise that their case is serious in its early stages.

Ben Lewis from the Cardiff University Student Support Centre says: "While stalking is a very rare and unusual occurrence, I did

encounter a few cases at the university last year that could be referred to as stalking.

"Perhaps a better word to use is harassment, as stalking has not yet become a real issue at Cardiff, but what does worry me is that the victims I spoke to did not think their cases were extreme at all. They thought what was going on wasn’t a big deal, when it blatantly was."

A recent study conducted by the University of Sheffield on behalf of the NSS found that a third of stalking victims had at first wrongly believed that only the mentally ill stalked.

Others believed stalking to be a media scare story or something that only celebrities experienced.

One clear finding was that before they were targeted, victims simply didn’t believe that stalking was something that could happen to them.

They felt that they would be able to deal with it when it became serious, or that it only happened to people who encouraged it.

These findings suggest that many potential victims of stalking are not ‘switched on’ to the dangers. While it is one thing to constantly check behind your back, it is another to assume it will never happen to you.

Recent cases, such as the tragedy of Clare Bernal, highlight that stalking is not something that should only be associated with high-profile figures.

The important thing to remember is that it can happen to anyone, regardless of whether they encourage it.

Another disconcerting fact in many stalking cases is that the victims do not always deal with the problem when it becomes serious.

Ben Lewis says: "As soon as you begin to think the relationship is developing in a way you’re not comfortable with you might want to talk to a third party, like someone at the Student Support Centre.

"Sometimes people who are being harassed feel they might be overreacting or that the problem will go away if they ignore it. But we will work with you to help in any way we can.”

What is perhaps most worrying is that stalkers are most often people the victims know. A study by the University of Leicester found that half of stalking victims had a prior intimate relationship with their stalkers and a further third had known them by acquaintance.

These statistics further underline the fact that anyone is at risk of being harassed at any time and that it is crucial that you do not assume it will never be you.

It has been proven that stalkers never employ a singular method, and use a combination of strategies to target their victims. A popular approach is for the stalker to quiz friends and associates for details about the person in question, or for them to hang around to pretend they have had a chance encounter.

Lucy, a third-year student, was harassed by a customer during her job two summers ago.

"Because I worked in a shop my harasser had a right to come in as often as he wanted. What I wasn’t entirely sure of was if he had a right to pester me," she says.

"He often asked me personal questions, like where I lived, and if I had a boyfriend, and I would talk around the subjects.

"It got to the point that he’d ask my colleagues things about me because I wouldn’t give him the information, and I think at first they felt obliged to tell him things VICTIM:Catherine Zeta-Jones is just one celebrity victim of stalking

Features 11 What to do if you think you are being stalked

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Student Support Centradvice. Log onto the NSS website or go (nothing goes on your e, where all your details will be kept contofidthe en university records un less you state otherwisetial .) !" Tell the stalker the should stop. If they perir communications are unwanted and that sist, do not respond fur y police. Never talk on the ther. Report them tothe the ph on e to a sta lker. Always hang up, and Contact BT’s Malici do 1471 ous Caller section for advice. !" Keep evidence. A diary, recordings on CC letters, tapes of conver sations, phone/text meTV or your mobile phone, the police. ssages will be useful to !" Do not reveal per about yourself, especisonal details ally phone numbers and addresses family and friends kee . Ensure mation confidential toop this infor.

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Student S upp 029 2087ort Centre 4844 Nightline (8pm-8am 029 2022 ) !" Keep changing you r daily routine, taking a differen Cardiff P 3993 t rou te ho me from work, your lunch 029 2022 olice different time. Make surhour at a S u z y Lamplu 2111 gh Trust friends where you are e you tell 020 ferent from normal. going if difThe Netw 8876 0305 ork for S Stalking urviving !" If your complaint w being taken seriouslys aren’t Nuisanceww.nss.org.uk one else. Don’t ignore, tell somewww.bt.c and Malicious Ca lem. It won’t go away. the probom/custo merserviclls es because they thought he knew me."

Lucy’s stalker matches the criteria of a typical stalker: her harasser was male, over 33-years-old and older than herself. Having being served by Lucy at the shop, her harasser founded his obsession on a ‘brief acquaintance.’

"I felt like I was being watched by him every time I worked. He also knew what time the shop closed, so he knew when I’d finish my shift.

"He would be outside waiting for me when I left each night, and sometimes he would even pretend he didn’t see me."

While it is difficult to ascertain why Lucy’s stalker harassed her, Dr. Sheridan, a stalking researcher at the University of Leicester, claims that there are many different reasons for stalking, with no set rules.

"Most stalkers know that it is wrong but want to continue for various reasons. For example, they may crave power, seek revenge, or believe they should be with the person they are stalking."

Dr. Sheridan’s research has

revealed trends, enabling her to identify four broad categories in which stalkers tend to fall.

While the majority are former partners, there are those who indulge in ‘romantic fantasies’ despite having no intimate involvement with the victim; the ‘delusional’ obsessive who has had no prior conversation with their victim, and the ‘sadistic’ stalker.

The latter inflicts their obsession on a person they deem to be happy, and therefore worthy of victimisation.

However, this does not mean to say that every stalker fits these types, or performs one of these behaviours. Although the majority of stalking victims are women, men can often be subjects, or affected by cases of stalking in some way.

Evidently stalkers are not necessarily the dark, devious characters painted in films and the media, which is why they can be difficult to identity at a first glance.

Some details have been changed in this article.

s a t s u Erasm 12

Features

George Tsargaris looks back at his year in the med’

M

any of you will have heard stories from students returning from their Erasmus year; some of them good, some of them bad, all of them funny.

For those of you not quite sure of what this ‘Erasmus’ thing is, it is basically a European inter-university exchange scheme, lasting for about six or 12 months, a little bit like the exchange you had with your French pen-pal when you were 14, only much better.

Every university and course varies when dealing with Erasmus schemes, some schemes like mine were obligatory and some you apply for. Whatever the deal is, it’s a great opportunity to travel, mature, meet new people, learn a new language and expand your mind before it becomes set in its mould, and it looks great on a CV - I mean, how many people can say that they lived in a foreign county for a year at the age of 20? Not many, but if you can, count yourself lucky.

As a part of my course I was obliged to spend at least four months in Italy and a subsequent four in Spain. From the beginning of the second year I was hounded with options of exotic cities like Barcelona and metropolises like Milan. All preErasmus students would obsessively keep asking each other ‘so what’s you’re choice of city?’ and pray that they got their top three choices.

So like a soldier, instead of returning to Cardiff, the cosy capital city that grew to be my home from home, I was despatched like a willing conscript for the first semester to Trento in Italy (my first choice), a small sleepy town set deep in the Dolomite Mountains, where winter tempera-

tures reach well below zero and snow was certainly not uncommon. For the second semester I was to be posted to sunny Las Palmas in Gran Canaria (my second choice) filled with beaches, booze and babes. The exact antithesis to mountainous Trento.

After spending my summer in Athens and having a great time it completely slipped my mind to book a flight to Italy. So the day before my friends would set off I found a flight to Rome where I would then have to catch another plane to Milan and take two trains to Trento. But of course nothing ever runs smoothly and my luggage was lost for five days.

Luckily, being the experienced traveller that I am, I kept my toiletries and a spare pair of pants in my hand luggage. For clothes, I borrowed my friend’s and when it was time to wash them, I popped them in the shower with me. Erasmus also teaches you to be resourceful as well as smart. This experience did not deter me; on the contrary it taught me urban survival skills that I would

not have learnt otherwise.

What was even funnier (in the sense of ‘in four months we will look back at this and laugh’) was that my friend and I were without accommodation for 50 days. We were officially homeless. Either we couldn’t rent a house for less than a year, or landlords didn’t want male tenants for fear of midnight raves with Guns ‘n’ Roses. The amount of landlords who hung up on us because their advert read ‘only females wanted’ was astounding. Even when I tried bargaining with them by saying ‘but we’re really, really good boys’ I still got the same answer; a dial tone. So, until we found a house we temporarily took up residence in the hostel.

Features 13 Now that was an experience in itself. You get to meet all sorts of ‘interesting’ people there. Starting with the randy Italian couple caught in the act in the (communal) bathroom, there were drunken Japanese tourists who turned up at the dorm at 3am, waking everyone up and then singing in the shower for an hour. There was the German who woke up one night screaming because he had a bad dream and wanted his mummy.

The freakiest moment award goes to the moment when I climbed into my top bunk only to discover another man was sleeping in it. We were at the hostel so long that we should have been paid for staying there. The whole town heard of our adventures so it ended up being free advertising for the dorm. It got to a point where people thought we were part of the staff there.

House-hunting aside, what is daunting is attending lectures. Not only are they in a different language, but Europeans use different systems.

50 minutes per lecture is nothing. In Europe one lecture lasts two hours, with a quick cigarette and coffee break. You are there to learn the language so missing a lecture is inadvisable and only acceptable in the most serious circumstances.

After going to the toilet I didn’t realise I was walking around with a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoes and only realised this when someone in class pointed it out to the joy of all around me (lecturer included). In my embarrassment and trying to remove it with my other foot, I tripped and then ran out of the classroom as red as a beetroot.

Luckily I didn’t enjoy that class, so that incident only prompted me to

switch it for another.

Undoubtedly the best thing about the Erasmus experience is the travel factor. Being in northern Italy I was lucky to not only visit all the northern cities but neighbouring countries as well. From Trento, Venice was only two hours away by train and return tickets only cost 20 euros. What was more shocking was the fact that the trains were always punctual, a luxury we don’t have in Britain.

Milan, Bologna, Verona (the city of Romeo and Juliet) were only a stone’s throw away.

We would work hard all week (hard at planning our next trip that is) and once Friday morning came we would be alive and kicking, weekend travel bags in our hands and off to another destination. Our rail trip even took us to Innsbruck in Austria and Slovenia, for which we took a taxi for our return trip to Italy. However my favourite trip was to Lugano in Switzerland, a small town, as perfectly constructed as a film set, neatly spread out around the lake.

The most extreme trip my friends and I went on during our Erasmus year was to Morocco. Flying from Las Palmas and basing ourselves just outside Gibraltar for a week of touring Andalusia, we went on a day-trip to Tangier in Morocco.

Being students our eyes were wide open for bargains and for only 50 euros the trip included transport, lunch, shopping, which compromised of our guide holding us captive for an hour and a half in order to attend Moroccan carpet demonstrations (obviously there isn’t a big student market for them… yet). There were surprises such as a camel trip which took place not in a park or the Sahara but in a car park near the

edge of a cliff and a tour of the smart parts of the city (dodgy by European standards) in a rickety old bus that gave the impression that it would fall apart if you overloaded it with bewildered tourists.

Along with all the souvenirs you collect, postcards you send and Spanish homework you forgot to hand in, comes the little black book (address book). The Erasmus experience is a great way to make friends for all walks of life, the only drawback is, and not wanting to sound cheesy, you will have to part ways a lot sooner than the usual three years at uni.

One of our friends without anywhere to stay moved into our walk-in wardrobe for a month (talk about being in the closet). Another of our friends forgot her passport on the way from Milan to Slovenia and another jumped into the main fountain with me in our underwear just before Christmas. So you can see, being someone who likes adventure and loopy friends, and having built a rapport with foreign and UK students, which had a known expiry date, as it was inevitable the year would eventually come to an end, you end up missing your friends of whom you struggled together to speak what at times seemed like an unspeakable language.

And now? We’re all in touch, though not without some required effort due to the distance between us. But the fun, careless days of the Erasmus year live only in my memory, which is now filling up final year exam material and dissertation research. Looking back, I’m so glad I made the most of it. And if you go, I’m sure you will too; that is the only option.

14 I n t e r v i e w s

interviews@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

Cautionarycautionary tales tales Pure Reason Revolution get the Quench treatment from Laura Hinson during their debut Barfly gig...

PRR: Indie with a difference Sampler, Vocals, Bass) and Jon’s brother, Andrew (Drums).

Jon claims the band’s biggest musical influences come from an assorted group, “we like loads of different things, particularly Pink Floyd, The Beach Boys, the Beasties, The Moody Blues, Led Zeppelin, Chemical Brothers and DJ Shadow.” When asked about his personal choices, Jon continues, “I really like the Ramones, Barbershop music, 60s pop, I listen to anything and everything. We’re not mega chops players that do long solos; it’s about connecting segments of music to create a unified mood that takes the listener on a journey.”

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current trends: “We are very un-NME. Our sound is completely different to, say, The Editors, and what is ‘popular’ at the moment. We concentrate a great deal on our harmonies, which sets us apart.” One of their main attractions is that they are so hard to categorise, as their 12 minute single The Bright Ambassadors of the Morning, proved. PRR are not a band with boundaries and when I question how they would like to be remembered, the answer is simple: “Trailblazers.”

When asked what was the pivotal for Pure Reason Revolution Chloe laughs, “it was cracking open bottles of champagne on the roof of Sony and looking at the proles below.”

They have moved on a lot since their very first gig at Manchester’s In the City musical festival for unsigned or freshly signed bands. The new minialbum Cautionary Tales for the Brave is out now. Jon explains, “it’s essentially a concept album that investigates the boundary between dreaming and wakefulness”. Finally, PRR’s sound in one sentence? “Supreme, sublime and surreal.”

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rior to their show at Barfly, I caught up with London-based band Pure Reason Revolution’s Chloe Alper and Jon Courtney, as they prepared to perform as part of Nokia’s Raw Tour.

Since their debut at the In the City music festival in Manchester, where they were hailed by Steve Lamacq as 'one of our top three acts', PRR’s reputation has grown. Their debut single ‘Apprentice of the Universe’ went top 75 and as far as number 12 in the indie chart.

The band has been together for three years, and its music has already had airtime on London's Xfm as well as Radio One and Two. I was keen to find out the highlights of the last few years and their plans for the future.

The roots of the band lie in Reading where, now 23-year-old, Alper and 25-year-old Courtney, met whilst playing in teenage bands. Jon was introduced to Greg Jong while at the University of Westminster and they formed Pure Reason Revolution. The band comprises of Jon (Vocals, Guitars, Synths); Greg (Guitars, Vocals, Synths); Chloe (Vocals, Bass, Synths, Tamba); Jim'll (Synths,

We concentrate a great deal on our harmonies, which sets us apart

Chloe feels what sets them apart from everything else in the prevailing music scene is their difference from

PRR live review Page 40

Interviews 15

I n t e r v ie w s

A L L I K SOUN

ND T R A

KILLA: Tells it like it is

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ritain’s premiere beat boxer, Killa Kela, took time out this weekend to give us the lowdown on beat boxing, the industry and his plans to mark his place in hip-hop history by giving us all a lesson in Elocution.

The hip-hop scene is not readily associated with West Sussex. So what was it that drew this kid underground? “Rebelliousness. It’s exotic, it’s all about being unique and having something to explore.” He has enjoyed beat boxing since the age of six. He began by adding his own beats to the Eastenders and Grange Hill theme tunes. However, this is not to say he wanted to make his album solely beat box. “Beat boxing is simply the thread. Albums are more than that, they’re about putting a sound and a personality across,” he explains.

N.E.R.D. are responsible for making the beat boxer a prominent feature of

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Vicki Hemmings gets elocution from C K lessons British beat boxer Killa Kela at his recent Union gig

It is all about being unique and having something to explore

Kela’s take on what makes the underground scene so appealing

production. Kela points out, “Pharrell, Michael Jackson and Timbaland all use beat boxing on their albums but it is not necessarily the first thing you notice because all the artists have their own sound”. Kela’s talent was nurtured during his early career under the tutelage and guidance of DJ Vadim and The Scratch Perverts. “If you're good at what you do you stand out, it doesn’t matter if it's beat boxing or anything else.” Despite being signed to Sony BMG himself and the industry looking underground for the

next big thing, Kela believes hip-hop does take a back seat. He assigns this to the notion that: “England doesn’t know how to market a hip-hop act domestically.” Regardless of this, it is Kela’s intention to pass on his message: “I want to take taste-makers from each scene and build my own kind a thing.” His next step is to spread the Kela gospel, while on tour with quasi-indie newcomers Test Icicles.

With hip-hop being the proverbial underdog of the British music scene, I asked if Kela felt any added pressure.

“The only way is not to try to appease people, celebrate it, just throw the dummy and see what happens. I want to be remembered for everything; a great album; longevity: and a great crew."

Kela tours with his home-grown SpitKingdom Crew; Spider J, Rookwood, DJ Skeletrik, and MC Trip, all of whom he attributes to the success of Killa Kela and the Elocution album. “We’re always learning, we can't get complacent; the whole SpitKingdom Crew is very competitive, always trying to better each other.

Like all artists it's about absorbing as much artistry as possible.”

Seven or eight years of performing have meant that many of the tracks on Elocution were recorded in one take. Kela firmly believes that if you can't pull it off first time you're never going to. Elocution means a lesson in a language. Whether you love hip-hop or hate it, I challenge you not to be impressed by this one-man musicmaking machine. A self-sufficient artist who has earned his place in hiphop's big leagues. It has to be seen to be believed.

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Food

food@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

Relish with that?

OR: Why we love

W

hen a young man turns 21 it is traditionally heralded as his arrival into full adulthood. In July this year, I celebrated my 21st birthday. I would like to say that since then I have marked a change in my outlook on life, but to be frank that would be nothing more than wishful thinking. As far as growing up and personal development are concerned, I reached a plateau at the age of 14.

Yes, certain things changed in my teenage years. But not as much as I expected. I still don't think any male my age really understands girls and what they actually want. I still wish I was taller. I still play computer games a lot, and football is still important. If I was given ÂŁ1 million I would probably still spend it on buying a massive telly - maybe one made out of solid gold. I don't think boys ever truly grow up. We just collect birthdays and watch our chances of playing professional football get slimmer year by year.

I, for one, am happy with this. I like it when life seems simple and when I think I have everything around me worked out, even when I clearly don't.

I become unhappy when it appears my life has become dysfunctional. It's the same for every male there has ever been. Asking yourself questions you don't have answers for is depressing to a man as it is ultimately pointless; self-analysis and introspection are for losers: anyone who's watched that film Sideways knows

what I mean. Whilst girls seem to favour talking about their feelings, men enjoy discussing which type of biscuits they like.

We preoccupy ourselves with ensuring our conversation is straightforward, opinionated and, therefore, with a point in mind. I'm of the opinion that it is this male infatuation with simplicity and functionality that explains why we love sandwiches.

I'll be the first to admit that, in my 21 years, I perhaps haven't achieved all that I've been capable of. Some might put this down to a lack of ambition. I'm a simple creature, who likes simple things and leading a simple life. I don't wish to change things too much in case my way of life becomes complicated. Complication leads to stress, which is something I don’t want to have to deal with!

For all the things that I could have succeeded in, the sense of fulfilment in making myself a really good sandwich is one that I savour with (perhaps hubristic) pride. It's not just how the sandwich tastes, it's the whole package: the simplicity of the format and its construction; the necessary attetion to detail; the potential for innovation; the sheer convenience.

Sandwiches might, to some, simply represent a stop-gap alternative to a cooked meal, but not I; and not to most of the male population, I would wager. A well-made sandwich is as unique as the person who made it.

Many of us see sandwiches merely as a tasty snack! Michael Chung, however, explains why he sees them as a form of self expression...

A well made sandwich is as unique as the person who made it

As much thought and decision making should go into its design and construction as a tailored suit or in the composition of an opera. After all, you have to decide on what type of bread, which condiments, and most importantly, what to actually put in the damn thing.

Men always seek to express their personalities through their choice of possessions: whether it be their record collection, posters on their walls or the

Top

films they've seen most recently. I don't think girls ever become as preoccupied with this as men do. We seek to personalise our space by filling it with objects we hope are specific to us.

Why would sandwiches be any different? We are simple human beings who only like things a certain way. Let's face it, it's only natural. Cats kill mice; dogs urinate against trees; and we put up posters, collect stuff and make

FIVE OF ALL ... TIME

sandwiches 1

Food

17

2

B.L.T The definitive classic. Bacon, mixed with the crunch of salad, and the cool creaminess of mayo. A firm favourite.

3 Whitehouse Special How can anyone dispute a sandwich that has everything in it? A host of food groups and three meals between two slices of bread.

Smoked Salmon & Cream Cheese Delicate extravagance, perhaps best to eat these with a bag of Walkers Sensations.

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Meat Ball Sub

The Meatball Sub is a meatlover’s choice, of course. A hearty, manly sandwich, it’s as bad for you as it is tasty.

5 Chicken Caesar Sub There are perhaps three key constituents to a truly excellent sandwich. Firstly the bread, which should be fresh, crisp in the bite and soft to chew. Then, the condiments, complimenting the most important constituent, the meat. In this sandwich the two balance well, a cool satisfying sandwich.

18

Travel

travel@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

CITY BREAKS Kate Davies’ New York City Sight-seeing

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epending on how long you stay it may be worth getting a ‘City Pass’. This gets you discount rates on six of the most popular sights, as well as letting you skip the ticket lines.

For $53 you get access to the Guggenheim Museum, the American Natural History Museum, the Museum of Modern Art, the Intrepid Sea Air Space Museum, the Empire State Building Observatory and the Two Hour Circle Line Harbour Cruise.

Without the City Pass your trusty NUS card will draw blank looks from staff here. A bonus is that with the Pass you’ll end up visiting sights you wouldn’t normally pay to see, and usually you come out pleasantly surprised.

Top Tips

Black cabs make up their own prices on the spot, only ever use licensed yellow cabs.

Shopping A word to the wise. Don’t buy into shopping excursions that take you out of Manhattan on a day trip for ‘the ultimate shopping experience’.

Manhattan is all you could ever possibly need, and then some. Saks, Bloomingdales, Prada and all the other Fifth Avenue dream-stores.

Save your money for the high street

stores where the latest collections are showcased first. Smaller, family owned shops are where original shoes and handbags line the walls at no more than $20.

The dollar is worth just over half the pound if you aim for a dip in the market. This means that you’ll be getting everything about half price, from

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Flight - £200-400 www.opodo.com Hotel - £40-100/night www.expedia.co.uk Two Course Meal - $10-40 www.newyork.com

McDonald’s to iPods. Be cautious of knock-off electrical goods – the professional stores are usually just as cheap as the dodgy looking ones.

Entertainment Unfortunately American law keeps the legal drinking age at 21. However if you’re under age there’s nothing stopping you getting into most of the clubs. You’ll normally be given a stamp on your hand to show you can’t purchase alcohol.

Don’t try and be clever and beat the law, Americans take this issue very seriously and you could easily end up in a cell if you’re caught.

Alternatives to clubs are 24 hour cinemas (head to Times Square for the best selection), Broadway shows (pricey but worth it), free summer concerts in Central Park, and glow-in-thedark bowling.

Flights - £25 - £100 return www.ryanair.com Hotel - Venezia Hostal £15/night Canal and Walter £52/night www.statravelgroup.com

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Bec Storey’s Venice

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enice is known as one of the most romantic places on earth and, unfortunatly, one of the most expensive. Yet Venice can be done on a budget.

Getting around is simple and cheap if you stick to the water taxis that run along the Grand Canal. They stop at various places along the canal for easy access to many tourist sights.

The taxis also go to a group of smaller islands: Torchello, Borano and Morano (famous for its glass). These are all worth a visit but make sure you take a note of returning water taxi times as there is no other way back.

Venturing away from the Grand Canal is where you truly experience the heart of Venice. You will get lost but just go with it and soak up the charm. Spend a day wandering over bridges, down side allies and be astonished at the beautiful and plentiful churches.

St. Mark’s Square is the most popular tourist stop. Don’t be put off by this. The atomphere is energising and the place is breath-taking. Student cards will get you a discounted price too.

Eating out can be expensive especially around St. Mark’s Square. The further away you go the cheaper and more traditional it gets.

One tip: Unless you have a spare £100 stay well clear of the gondolas.

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Marta Korniluk’s Cracow

ot only is Krakow one of the most beautiful cities in Poland, it is also the richest in history, with some of its most important buildings dating back to the seventh century.

The great thing about Krakow is the centrally located and compact Old Town, which is home to everything you could possibly desire. The Old Town has developed gradually throughout the centuries. Now, it is full of picturesque narrow streets and beautiful sculptured buildings.

There are two buildings in the city that every visitor should see. St Mary's Church, built in 1220, contains a spectacular altar - measuring 13 metres high and eleven metres wide it is the largest piece of medieval art of its kind.

Every hour a bugle-call is played on trumpet from the top of one of the towers, resounding across the city. The bugle-call, though, stops dead half way through its tune, commemorating a soldier who was shot through the throat signalling a Tatar attack in the middle ages.

The second ‘must-see’ building is the Sukiennice. This large, old marketplace, is a shopper’s paradise for souvenirs and amber jewellery.

Whilst in Krakow you cannot afford to miss the King’s Castle on Wawel Hill. It was the seat of kings for over 500 years and it still retains much of its symbolic, and almost magical, power.

Amongst the royal buildings there is a large and impressive exhibition in the

castle. The Royal Chambers and the Crown Treasury, located in vaulted Gothic halls, are a stunning example of the finest 14th century architecture.

In the castle resides the legendary Wawel Dragon. He "lives" in the cave beneath the castle and has allegedly been witnessed belching fire.

These are only a few of the many attractions worth visiting in Kracow.

You may choose to venture ino the mysterious, old churches with hidden crypts, or perhaps you might prefer a tour around the city’s museums, monuments and sculptures; Auschmitz and the world famous salt mines are also less than an hour away.

Cultural events take part throughout the year. For students, the most important period is May, the time of Juvenalia, the students’ carnival. Young people are given the symbolic keys to the town's gates and are allowed to "take power" of the city for four days and three nights. During this time the streets are alive with dancing, fancy dress parades, masquerades and lots of fun.

June hosts the colorful pageant headed by Lajkonik, a caricature-like figure disguised as a Tatar riding a horse. The parade dates back to the Tatar invasion of the 13th century.

Krakow is a cradle of Polish culture, as the place for the best festivals, concerts and performances providing a truly unique city atmosphere. With such diversity how could anyone fail to be impressed by Krakow?

T r a v e l 19

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Flights - From £3.19 (taxes not inc) www.ryanair.com Hotel - £40 120/night www.octopustravel.co.uk Hostel - £5 plus/night Most accomodation is 15 minutes outside the city, due to limited space in the city.

Chris Roger’s Istanbul

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stanbul accommodates for those who love to party and those who want to lap up the Turkish culture.

With hundreds of night clubs and bars, Istanbul certainly holds its own against other European cities.

The street atmosphere is vibrant with countless markets such as the famous Grand Bazaar, street salesmen and kebab houses.

You can sit around with the ever so friendly locals smoking nargileh (a flavoured tobacco smoked through a large pipe) or drinking cay (Turkish tea). But beware of the carpet salesman who will go to all lengths to sell their kileams (carpets).

Accommodation in Istanbul can be dirt cheap. You can find hostels for around 10/15 Turkish lyra (four/six of your British pounds) per night.

A popular area for hostels is the Beyazit district, which is very close to the centre and forms part of the old town. With a bit of bargaining, the Hotel Wiesbaden, will accept 10 Turkish lyra (around four quid) for a night.

t Don’ !

Miss

The Blue Mosque is breathtaking with its huge domes and minarets

Flights from London to Istanbul will cost you around £150 return if you look on a site like www.e-bookers.com.

There is no excuse not to visit this wonderfully exciting and romantic city.

Make sure you hurry up though, as prices are rising due to the city’s growing popularity and recent talks concerning Turkey’s entrance into the EU.

20 T r a v e l Amy Harrison’s Tallinn

One of the most impressive sights in the city is the Alexander Nevxky Cathedral. Its onion domes make it look like something you would expect allinn is often dubbed as being a to find in Moscow. The beautiful exterior architecture is complemented by "little Prague", but describing the stunning interior. this diverse Baltic City in such There is far more to the city of a way is a severe understatement.

Tallinn than the gothic quarters. With The old town is completely segrethe ‘Hop on, Hop off’ buses you can gated from the new, by the medieval experience the outskirts of the city. battlements which enclose the old The botanical gardens, with their cobbled streets. Within the old fortifihuge greenhouses, are a lovely place cations lies the magic charm of the to wile away a sunny afternoon. city, with gothic churches and buildSaint Pirita’s Convent is an amazing ings which tower over the narrow place. As soon as you enter the ruins, streets. an amazing sense of calm overcomes The large town you. As you walk square is surthrough the tunnels rounded by a vast array of Tallinn Cards are the and into the restaurants key to discovering derelict rooms you which cater to everything that Tallin can imagine the has to offer. Costing- solitary lifestyle a tourists’ varied culi(£15) they give dis EK 0E nun would have nary tastes.

35 seum entry count prices on mu e of public lived.

The Town Hall us e fre and provide A picturesque dominates one side transport. palace is located of the square and just outside the city its tower provides an walls, built as a tribute by Alexander excellent viewing platthe Great to his wife. The pretty pink form for the whole city. and white building is by far the most Inside the hall is just as impresbeautiful building in the city. In the sive, with the painted gothic arches garden is a beautiful ornamental lake, which enhance the sense of grandeur which is landscaped in keeping with about the place. Climbing the tower is the palace. a bit on the tricky side, especially The city of Helsinki is only 80 miles when you meet someone coming the from Tallin by sea and it is possible to other way. visit the capital of Finland by ferries There are plenty of high vantage from the port in Tallinn or even by helipoints from which you can take in fancopter ride. tastic views of the city. Some of the In Tallinn, everywhere you look, you towers on the churches have will see something new. It is a fasciremained untouched since construcnating city with plenty of culture waittion, and do feel as if they wobble ing to be absorbed. when the wind blows, but the views are amazing and you can even watch cruise ships sailing in if you are brave enough.

Flight - from £40 The old town is compact making it www.easyjet.co.uk Hotel - £30 + per easy to get around by foot, although night after a day walking up and down cobwww.expedia.co.uk bled hill sides you may start to wonTwo Course Meal - £8-20 der why they didn’t invent trams in the Middle Ages.

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Top Tip!

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Will Hitchins’s Sarajevo

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hen one thinks of a city break, thoughts of wandering through an old town, full of romantic cafés, ageing accordion players and renaissance churches come to mind. This is not the case for Sarajevo. Although the buildings are peppered with bullet holes, the beauty of this historical city is such that any thought of its turbulent past will be set aside whilst you are busy being wowed by the city.

Often described as being “where East meets West" (second to Istanbul), Sarajevo is influenced significantly by Turkish architecture, with elegant mosques appearing all around the city.

The major activity is wandering around the mesmerising Turkish quarter, which hosts hundreds of small market stalls selling Eastern trinkets.

The Turkish influence has had an effect on all aspects of the city’s life, particularly on food and drink. Coffee shops can be found all over the city selling Turkish coffee, served with a glass of water and a Turkish delight (about 30p). Also, the kebabs far outrank any I had tasted previously- but the meat is still of as dubious origin as any you’d find up Chip Alley.

Recently, a number of good youth hostels have sprung up in the city.

Hostel Ljubicica, situated right next to the old Turkish quarter, is relatively inexpensive, with dorm rooms for seven euros a night.

Getting to Sarajevo on the cheap is perfectly possible but does involve a slight mission. Bosnia and Herzegovina, tourist honey-pot that is, doesn’t have a budget airline flying to it yet, but EasyJet run budget flights to Ljubljana in Slovenia. From there it’s a 10 hour coach journey to Sarajevo. Easy.

BACKPACKER

Hungary

T r a v e l 21

Welcome to ‘Backpacker’. Each fortnight we provide an insight into top backpacking destinations. Every issue we will let you know which location will be featured in the next edition of Quench. Travel needs you to text/email any tips you have for the next destination. It could be anything from the best campsite, the best place to visit, or which bus takes you to the most beautiful beach.

By Andy Mickel Travel correspondent

B

udapest is, for better or worse, where everything in Hungary starts or finishes. The one city is historically two towns split by the Danube. Historic, hilly Buda is home to the tourist attractions, whilst massive, industrial Pest is where all of the real city life goes on.

You’re most likely to find a hostel for under a fiver a night in Pest Hostel Aquarium and the Red Bus Hostel are your best bet, although at first glance they look intimidating.

A trip to some bath houses is essential for any visit but are extortionately expensive in Buda, whilst Pest’s City Park has large, cheap baths.

The relaxing pools, saunas and steam rooms can fill a day, but you will do so in the company of Budapest’s older residents who get in free.

Anyone who feels that obese over-60s shouldn’t wear speedos and bikinis should mentally prepare themselves for the worst.

It’s not surprising that the elderly are trying to sweat off so much excess lard, however, when there’s so much great food on offer. No trip to Hungary would be complete without goulash, whilst a day spent in the city’s markets is best accompanied by what are effectively home-grown Yorkshire puddings, under £1 each. If you want to splash out

t Don’ !

Miss

For Backpackers on a budget the labyrinth, which runs under the citadella, is cheap and downright surreal, featuring caves filled out with mocked-up native art and crashed alien ships.

then cosmopolitan Budapest also has Indian fusion restaurants to rival the best available in this country, but at a fraction of the price (£2-4 per person).

Vegetarians, meanwhile, can put all of the scare stories of endless red meat and dumplings out of their minds most restaurants now have enough choice that you need never go hungry.

Also worth checking out is the House of Terror (£2.50), an informative, if harrowing museum, about the atrocities commited by the Nazis and communists on the Hungarian population.

Heroes Square is also worth passing through to get a sense of Communist Hungary. For the more adventurous, hop on a bus out of town to see old Stalinesque statues abandoned in out-of-town parks.

Back in the city, it is still worth crossing the river into Pest for at least a day. The best views over the city are Heroes Square from the massive citadella complex atop Castle Hill. You can take the furnicular up for £1, or save your money for the top and walk the scenic route up.

Many attractions, however, are just too pricey for the average backpacker - a visit to the whole castle will easily set you back a day’s spending money.

Indeed Budapest is something of a high culture city, with free concerts on

Useful websites www.hungarytourism.hu Lonely Planet: Europe on a shoestring.

The Rough Guide to Hungary Next issue Backpacker will be taking you to Central America.

Text your top backpacking tips to 07843393962,or email them to us at travel@gairrhydd.com Chain Bridge during the summer, and plenty of jazz, theatre and classical music around the city. If you can’t be bothered with the high brow then do your best to escape the ubiquitous Irish pubs and head to Zold Pardon, to get sloshed on the cheap and take in ‘the world’s longest summer festival’ on the banks of the Danube. For the truly hard-up there is even free cinema in Buda, but expect the most obscure films you’re ever likely to come across (China’s 1970s ‘classic’ The Wild Daisy, anyone?).

Like a lot of large cities Budapest can be overwhelming at first. It’s hulking, industrial presence certainly takes a little while to slip into, but between the heavy-weight culture and the heavy-weights in the bath-houses, it’s well worth the persistence.

The beautiful views of Budapest are best enjoyed from the citadella

22

Going Out

goingout@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

c i m n e p O nights Fire show at the Hawaiian

T

he Cardiff music scene is bursting at the seams with open mic nights and new talent. While venues such as the Barfly and Clwb Ifor Bach (Welsh Club) concentrate on the indie/rock scene, there are a multitude of music nights around Cardiff which bring you a more alternative sound. All of these nights welcome performers, so if any of you fancy yourself as the next Damian Rice, Bob Dillon or KT Tunstall, you should get up and have a jam.

THE HAWAIIAN, (City Rd), Tuesdays.

The Hawaiian may look like a restaurant from the outside, but go along on a Tuesday and you are in for a great night out. For a £2 entry fee you get a free Chinese buffet at 9pm, (pretty tasty - some of my mates just go there for the food), a cool fire show in the garden (love those hippies!) and then open mic performers until 10.30 followed by a (generally) very good band. The style of music is always mixed, and they

have even been a few hip-hop nights with local and touring mc's. Beer isn't too pricey at £2 a pint, and there are some funky cocktails on offer, the bar is open until 12.

Food, fire, booze and music, what more do you want?

9/10 THE SOCIAL, (Salisbury Rd), Thursdays The Social is well known for pulling a student crowd, but it may surprise some that upstairs is a massive ballroom which hosts some of Cardiff’s best up-and-coming talent on a Thursday night. For a £2-3 entry fee the night offers acoustic open mic music until 10ish, followed by an established band. The room has a great vibe when full, and the bar is cheap as chips. The organisers are also planning to run a band night on Fridays, featuring three bands, so watch this space.

Nice venue, cheap beer, good music 8/10 A SHOT IN THE DARK (City Rd), Wednesdays This new acoustic night, run on a Wednesday with a £1.50 cover charge is held in one of Cardiff’s nicest coffee shops. The vibe is very Friends with big comfy sofas and lots of candles. The music is normally of a good quality, and is very chilled. The beer is a bit pricey, but you could always have a coffee.

Chill out in big leather sofas.

6/10

JIM JAM at THE CLAUDE, (Albany Rd), Thursdays The Jim Jam (run by a bloke called Jim, amazingly) is a real Cardiff legend. It has been running for years and has consistently been a good (if sometimes a bit quirky) night out. The night has moved around several venues over the years, and the Claude seems to be a good home for now.

The pub is huge and is split into the comfy lounge bar and the (slightly chav’ infested) main bar. Thursdays see the main bar taken over by a friendly, music oriented crowd and Jim always puts on a good mix of established new music and open mic entertainment. There is no entry fee and it is definitely worth a look.

A Cardiff classic, always worth a try 7/10 Other acoustic music nights include a free acoustic band on Fridays at O’Neill’s in town (by the church in the Hayes) and Mondays and Wednesdays at Callaghan’s (on the bridge by the stadium, well worth the walk for the £1.50 pints of Guinness). The Taf is also starting a bi-weekly acoustic/band night on Tuesdays in co-operation with Xpress Radio and if jazz is your thing, then head to Dempsey’s on a Wednesday night.

WRITE FOR GOING OUT:

Meetings 6pm, Students’ Union, Floor 4

Gay

gay@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

23

Choice words?

Gay editor Fenar Mohammed-Ali takes a look at the question of choice when it comes to sexuality slowly coming round to the idea, it may be a long while yet before gay people have exactly the same legal rights as everyone else. Given that, why would anyone choose to be gay?

Life is all about the choices we make. Where we go to university, what we study, what career we pursue and even whether or not we choose to belong to any particular religion. Even if you are born into a religion, you can choose to live your life by abiding to its rules or not. But there are some things in life over which we have no choice. Until firm evidence to the con-

“

trary is available I will remain a believer in the notion that although you can’t choose how you feel, you can choose whether or not you act on those feelings.

I suppose hypothetically, gay people could decide to never act on their feelings, but surely this would only result in a lifetime of repressed feelings and unhappiness, and no-one should have to go through life like that regardless of their sexuality.

Choose life, choose a career, choose a sexuality..?

I don’t think so.

E M K S A U O Y F I E E S YOU

we’re hetrosexual by default, not by decision

n o i t s e u q a t It’s jus y c n a f u o y o h of w

“

W

hen the time came for me to finally come out to my friends, I was fortunate enough to have the majority of them be very understanding and accepting. However, when I came out to one particular friend, he somewhat naively told me that I was going through a phase, and that I had a choice – that everybody has a choice. He firmly believed that I could just choose to no longer be gay. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

In the same way no one chooses to be straight, gay people do not wake up one day and suddenly decide upon being gay. It is not a lifestyle choice.

The only level of choice that is involved in the issue is whether or not a person decides to come out in the first place. In that case they would be choosing not their sexual tendencies or preferences but rather the way in which they conduct their lives, more often than not for the sake of the outside world, and to keep other people happy.

Although the whole nature/nurture argument continues to rage on as it has done for generations, there is no substitute for hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth as it were. I did not choose to be gay. Of all the gay people I know, none of them have chosen to be gay. In fact, if I was given the choice, if there was some kind of miracle pill that would make me straight, would I take it? Would I make that choice? I don’t know, but what I do know is that had I originally been given the choice between being gay or straight, speaking on an entirely personal level, I think it’d have to be the straight pill if for no other reason than to have an easy life. Straight people do not have the same worries as gay people when it comes to things like families. You don’t have to come out to your family about being straight.

You don’t have to worry about things like marriage. Even though society is

It’s a l l a b o u t a e s t h e t i c s and i t ’s f u c k a l l t o d o with m o r a l i t y MARK RENTON, TRAINSPOTTING

24

Debate

debate@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

Is graffiti art?

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or every scally-scribed ‘bang Ur muff’, exists a considered graffiti scene. Most pro-graffiti arguments distance the masterpieces that pass you by on train journeys, from the petty vandalism on toilet walls. However, both should be appreciated.

Increasingly, graffiti is being seen as an art form. Yet, as the artistic merits of graffiti become progressively recognised and brought into line with the mainstream, less sincere becomes the message of marginalisation and disenfranchisement it once carried.

‘Real’ graffiti no longer represents the outsider in the same way as petty vandalism does. As something so public and confrontational, the latter is far more influential and thought provoking than any finely mastered graffiti.

By no means do I want ‘Linda is a slag’ scrawled on the wall next to me, as I, like most others, have no interest in Linda’s nocturnal activities. Yet, from the innocuous ‘I Luv LK’ to the concerning ‘NF’ markings that plaster local bus stops, these comments have a vast impact on society that needs to be considered rather than dismissed.

Graffiti is a cultural phenomenon that provides intriguing insight into society.

Samuel Strang

I

’m sure ‘art’ is not the first thing that comes to your mind when spray-painted walls replace the view of the countryside through the train window.

Graffiti is seen as a nuisance. An unwanted product from the lower classes who have too much time on their hands - the adolescent armed with a spray can, a bottle of beer and a desire to rebel.

Graffiti is plagued by stereotype. But perhaps we are overlooking the fact that graffiti is not dissimilar to work displayed in art galleries today. If we took the graffiti out of context and put it in an art gallery next to the crudeness of Tracy Emin’s work, or Melavich’s Black Square, how is it any different? Then again, take graffiti off a street wall and is it still graffiti?

Maybe the fact that it is found on walls of neglected places instead of a highly visited art gallery is the last thing that separates it from the world of art; at the end of the day, art itself is founded on opinion.

Georgie Easton

A

lost art, currently in the hands of football hooligans and street gangs desperately trying to win some non-existent battle via tagging their gang name in certain streets and areas, to claim ownership over it as their turf.

Graffiti should be the expression of the underclass - in other words, the voice that cannot be heard among the din of the over-spoken and over-listened-to. It is not about the colour (either of the artist or the bold nature that the artist uses). It is about the expression and intent behind it; an intent that is hell bent on the majority listening to what they have to say. Above all graffiti should be the aggressive expression of pacifists.

Craig Nunes

Reviews

digital@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

25

REVIEWED THIS FORTNIGHT !"Kurt Russel in Dreamer !"Albums by Babyshambles, Eurythmics " KT and Rosie Thomas !"Sean Wilsey’s Oh The Glory Of It All !"

Tunstall and Bloc Party Live ! The Ghost In The Shell 2 !" Misfortune by John Wesley Harding’s alter-ego Wesley Stace !"Singles by The Strokes, Arcade Fire and The White Stripes !

PRO EVOLUTION SOCCER 5 Konami XB,PC,PS2,PSP

Ball ball ball, footie footie footie, ball ball ball, football

J

ust over two years ago I was setting up my Playstation 2 in the cramped confines of Tal-y-Bont. At a time when first impressions were key, the choice of game was equally crucial.

Unfortunately, in my new flatmates I had an army of FIFA lovers, blinkered by their adoration of official strips and billboards. I lost my love of FIFA after the 2001 edition (not even Motty’s one-liners could disguise the fact that I was controlling monkeys on iceskates). So I took the opportunity to

FOOTBALL MANAGER 2006 Sega Sports Interactive PC

“We keep kicking ourselves in the foot” - Ray Wilkins

I

t’s 3am. Instead of fretting over the fact I have to get up in seven hours, I’m more concerned by the latest injury set-back that threatens to ruin my season before its begun.

"Steven Gerrard Out for 5 Months" reads the headline. Panic sets in. In a fit of rage, I instantly sack the poor youth-player responsible for this training ground injury. With one week ‘til transfer deadline and a meagre £2million in the bank, it’s time to get down to work. Football Manager is back.

Thankfully, Sports Interactive have seen that a complete reworking was anything but necessary, focusing

introduce the mighty Pro Evolution Soccer 2. It proved inspirational.

Pro Evo has continued to evolve, bringing me to the fifth edition. The commentary is still crap, and sadly omits old chestnuts like ‘they’re spreading it around looking for an opening’. There’s the usual fake player names and, other than Arsenal and Chelsea, Premiership clubs still don’t have licensed kits but, as long as the actual ninety minutes is up to scratch who cares?

New skills and touches have been introduced, as well as a greater emphasis on tackling and tussling for possession. Passes have to be timed to perfection, and more thought has to be put into one-touch moves. In addition shooting is more erratic, with the sensitivity for direct shots and lobs having changed significantly. That said, the satisfaction when the ball hits the back of net is every bit as

sweet. The result is a more realistic yet perhaps frustrating and slower game. Its harder to score, dribble or keep the ball, but, as with previous editions, it’s a grower, and with persistence will come reward. Alex Wallis

instead on minor tweaks in in-game tactic changes and manager-player interactions. Pre-game tactics are now in greater depth, allowing you to set how often you want your team to timewaste at crucial moments to whether you lump the ball up field to your strikers feet or head.

Furthermore, the new Rev ‘Quick tactic’ function Of iew allows for tactical tinT kering while the game We he ek is going on around you, providing the computerised version of frantic arm-waving and shouting. Add in the ability to conduct half-time and full-time team talks, where you can collectively or individually berate or congratulate your players, meaning shouting furiously at the monitor becomes a thing of the past.

This is far from the perfect experience though. The transfer market is again bloated beyond all reasonable proportions (£13million for Owen Hargreaves anyone?), leaving the poorer manager relying on transfer-list-

ed players, or hours of scouting to find that one elusive buy. Should you be able to cough up the money to bring your player of choice to your club, there is a seemingly endless trend of players becoming unhappy allto-quickly. Upon his return to his home town and boyhood club, Robbie Fowler (purchased purely for nostalgia) soon had trouble "fitting into the Liverpool lifestyle" and was shipped out at half the cost to Aston Villa. Figure that one out.

Media interaction is again at a minimal, despite the ability to pre-construct your own responses and import them into the game. The hilarity of calling Mourinho a "stinking cunt-bag" is sadly made redundant in the months upon months that the media go without searching for your opinion on anything.

It may be flawed, but expected patches should see off irritable reoccurrence and leave Football Manager as the most delightfully frustrating, aggravating and time consuming game to date. Sam Coare

FOOTBALL MASTERPIECE

26

Digital

digital@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

TIMESPLITTERS 3: FUTURE PERFECT EA GC, PS2, XB

T

Time-splitting across the universe...

his looks familiar. A stylised, somewhat club-footed individual stampeding across the temporal matrix and delivering questionable one-liners to villains of past, present and future. Cue the third instalment of the Timesplitters series, complete with en-vogue subtitle: Future Perfect.

Anyone familiar with the previous games will recognise the pseudo-Vin Diesel protagonist of Sgt. Cortez, whose job it is to travel through time and thwart the evil Timsplitters etc. etc. Yet, whilst the characters themselves still hail from a couple of rungs down the evolutionary ladder with elephantine feet and hands, the animation and graphics have been noticeably improved.

A somewhat disappointing seven-

GOD OF WAR Sony Computer Entertainment PS2

Absolutely nothing to do with Nicholas Cage ORIGINALITY HAS become something of a buzz-word in the gaming industry in recent years. In an era of constant sequels remakes and movie tie-ins a truly original video gaming experience is a rare gem indeed. As a consequence original games tend to be critically acclaimed above all others.

Enter God of War a derivative, uninspired, totally unoriginal action-adventure from Sony Computer Entertainment. Featuring game mechanics borrowed from several previous PS2 titles and new ideas that can be counted on one hand. Even the setting and characters are nicked from Greek mythology. The trouble is,

Formation Killing hour single player campaign consists of missions from 1900 to 2200 and provides a stage for some rather questionable AI. This lack of enemy initiative is tackled by an abundance of set pieces, which despite their frequency, provide some of the game’s standout moments.

Fortunately the game is bolstered by the hallmark ‘Splitters extras. A plethora of mini-games, challenges and arcade leagues provide the game’s real selling point. Textbook after playing for half an hour I just didn’t care about how unoriginal it was and neither will you.

Thrown right into the thick of the action, the opening level sees your protagonist, Kratos, ripping armies of undead soldiers (quite literally) in half.

As you beat the living crap out of a hundred-foot tall sea monster you can’t help but laugh out loud at how much fun this game is and how well produced. SCE may have stolen other people’s ideas for the template of their game, but when it enables them to polish it to perfection and make a genuinely brilliant piece of software like God of War the winners are us, the gamers.

Squeezing the very last drop of processing power from the aging PS2, GOW is a magnificent technical achievement. Epic in style, beautiful in looks, it plays like a dream. At only 25 quid this is a bargain, buy it now.

John Mackrell All Games provided by CEX next to Cardiff Station. The place to buy, sell or exchange games and gadgets

modes including deathmatch, capture the ‘bag’ and survival form only a small percentage of a list including ‘vampire’ mode, monkey curling and decapitation challenges.

Couple this with over 150 unlockable characters and 40 maps as well as some of the best offline multiplayer gaming available on today’s consoles and you begin to see that Free Radical have perfected their FPS recipe. Third time lucky, if not perfect.

Dan Every

Kratos And The Sea-Monster

Books

books@gairrhydd.com

THIS WEEK IN BOOKS:

A veritable feast of wonderful new titles, including Sean Wilsey’s enormous and inspiring memoir, the highly acclaimed second novel from Nicole Krauss, the latest Hellboy collection, Wesley Stace’s fantastic debut novel, and, unbelievably I know, even more. Next week, we’ll be having a bit of a foreign fiction extravaganza, the featured review being Haruki Murakami’s Kafka On The Shore. Until then. Enjoy y’all!

OH THE GLORY OF IT ALL Sean Wilsey

Viking An expansive memoir from the editor at large of McSweeneys‘ literary quarterly magine, say, if your father was an emotionally detached, womanising millionaire businessman whose favoured method of travel is his own jet helicopter. And your mother was a famous socialite, divorced from your father (for her younger best friend), who, when not suggesting suicide pacts with you, was equally prone to organising ‘World Peace’ trips which you would be expected to accompany her on, to meet such figures as the Pope, Gandhi and the Russian Prime Minister. And you, you were just a misfit of a kid, outshone by your stepbrothers, unloved, and sent packing to a variety of boarding schools throughout the United States? It’d be shit.

I

THE POPE: Touching children Well, this is exactly the predicament Sean Wilsey found himself in as a child, and has chosen to document with this breathtaking, sprawling memoir that spans decades and continents, and features characters that are in turn so flawed, cold and impassioned that, were they not actually

07 11 05

27

BOOKS NEEDS YOU!

Whether you consider yourself a pillar of journalistic integrity, or would simply love to get your hands on some lovely free books (and review them, of course), we here at Quench are always looking for new contributors. So, why not hit us with an email? Or if you’d rather, come along to one of our meetings? They take place at six o’clock every Monday evening on the media-tastic fourth floor of the union. Do come along.

real, would perhaps seem a little implausible.

Now 35, Wilsey now makes a living as the ‘editor at large’ at Dave Eggers’ literary quarterly, McSweeneys. Comparisons with Eggers are unavoidable; like Wilsey, his first publication was a memoir concerning his younger years – A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius (which is, incidentally, almost exactly that), and to say that neither of them had it easy is something of an understatement. Both writers also display almost unsettling levels of openness, and are masterful in their use of language. In terms of structure and style, however, Wilsey is certainly more straightforward and economical, lacking some of the idiosyncrasies that permeate AHWOSG.

“

This book features characters that, were they not actually real, might seem a little implausible

Glory… opens with Sean as a toddler, and closes with him as he is today. In between, we meet a vast array of characters who made an impact upon him, including his stepmother, Dede, who throughout his life inflicted such psychological torture upon him and his real mother that it is no surprise he despises her yet was desperate for her attention. She is, as he puts it, ‘pleasant and charming, even as she pierces you with a javelin slicked in shit’, and, as he acknowledges, ‘my evil stepmother – an unbelievable cliché’. His father, Al (who considers a copy of Playboy magazine suitable sexual education for a pre-adolescent) is idolised by Sean, despite the fact that almost everything he does infuriates him, and his mother, Patsy Lou, possesses ‘great beauty and charisma’, but also a sense of self importance so massive (on the Nobel Peace Prize: ‘Somebody

SEAN WILSEY: Turned out alright has to win it Sean. Why not me?’) that Sean himself barely gets a look in.

Smothered by all these larger than life personalities (all lovingly drawn by Wilsey - well, mostly), it is no wonder that his battle for self-identity results in floundering teenage years wracked with insecurity and self-doubt, a penchant for drugs and alcohol, and a desire to be accepted by his peers so strong that he went as far as to mercilessly bully his best friend. The usual teenage themes are prevalent (such as the burning need to lose your virginity – which, in this case, results in a particularly virulent case of crabs), but dealt with on such a huge scale that reading of Sean’s development at times borders on the excruciating - particularly when striving for popularity, he becomes a less than pleasant human being.

There is simply SO much to this book. In fact, perhaps a little too much, and by the time we reach Sean’s eventual redemption (in an idyllic Italian home for ‘damaged’ youngsters) it does come as something of a relief, as a few of the chapters are mighty long, and at 482 pages, it’s no quick and easy read. It is, however, remarkably entertaining given its subject matter, never selfimportant, and wholly affecting.

James Skinner

28

Books THE HISTORY OF LOVE Nicole Krauss Viking

Multi-stranded second novel from this American talent

T

he History of Love opens with the story of aged Leo Gursky.

Born in Poland and a WWII refugee in New York, Leo appears destined to live the rest of his life out alone, tapping his radiator each evening to let his upstairs neighbour know he's still alive, and deliberately drawing attention to himself in public places just to make sure that he still exists.

However, Leo's life wasn't always like this: sixty years ago, Leo fell in love with a young girl called Alma, and

wrote a book in her honour which he named The History of Love.

Meanwhile, teenager Alma Singer, hoping to find a cure for her mother's loneliness, stumbles across a book that changed her mother's life. When a stranger asks Alma's mother to translate The History of Love from Spanish to English for an impressive sum, Alma sets out on a mission to track down the book's author, the man who seeks its translation, and the mysterious heroine of the novel.

“

It is easy to see why Krauss is widely considered to be one of the most exciting writers to have emerged from America in recent years

The History of Love is Nicole Krauss' second book. Much like her first, it was published to widespread

Possibly the most intriguing feature HELLBOY: ODDER of the book is how it illustrates exactJOBS ly what a short story should be. Along Various authors his journeys Hellboy encounters cowTitan

New collection featuring the handsome one, introduced by Frank Darabont

A

big red paranormal investigator with an enormous right hand and a long tail created for comics by Mike Mignola in 1994.

This book is a sequel to Odd Jobs, the previous short story collection on Hellboy and is made up of contributions by 18 of Hellboy’s biggest fans from the film and writing worlds. The introduction by threetimes Oscar-nominee Frank Darabont is an excellent and concise backdrop bringing the reader up to speed with how the book came to fruition and what is to follow.

boys who are dead, alive, and dead again, giant squid, vampires, manticores, imps, monoliths and fire dogs.

He is fearless in his pursuit of peace destroying the forces of evil, including believe it or not, wicked tooth fairies.

Legend has it we receive money

“Bollocks! I left my keys back in the tower!”

critical acclaim. Indeed it is hard to find anything negative to say about this book. It is an original and captivating story of love, loneliness and survival. Krauss' prose is beautifully crafted: evocative and poignant, never sentimental. She manages to navigate themes such as regret, isolation and death with a quiet humour and delicate insight that never fails to surprise. Her characterisation is no less exquisite. Each portrait is vividly and uncompromisingly realised. Although the multi-layered narrative can at first seem a little confusing, the reader's perseverance is generously rewarded as the pieces of the puzzle finally fall gracefully and satisfyingly into place.

All in all, it is easy to see why Krauss is widely considered to be one of the most exciting writers to have emerged from America in recent years.

Rebecca Sare under our pillows due to ‘a pact… from the hungry tooth fairies in exchange for a fresh milk tooth’. In a more poignant moment a serpent woman turns out to be his sister who he cannot bring himself to destroy.

Definitely worth a read; after all Hellboy is ‘the beast of the end times, who rejected evil and fought on the side of the angels’.

James Meredith

B o o k s 29 MISFORTUNE Wesley Stace Jonathan Cape

Stupendous debut novel from Wesley Stace, who has also released nine albums...

W

esley Stace is also known as the singer-songwriter John Wesley Harding, and Misfortune, his massively ambitious debut novel, is borne out of a song of the same name he wrote almost a decade ago, concerned with the discovery of an abandoned infant.

Fleshed out into a 531-page story, the result is a musical, whimsical, and often heart-rending tale set in a Dickensian vision of 19th century Britain.

Opening with a breathless first chapter where a hapless young servant rescues the child from the maws

“

of a stray dog, the pace rarely flags, and the narrative is peppered with clever postmodern tricks that never once feel showy or unnecessary.

A staggeringly rich and promising debut, which, like the greatest pop songs, appeals on a number of different levels The child eventually finds it way into the hands of the young Lord Geoffroy Loveall, heir to Love Hall and soon to become the richest man in the country. Lord Loveall is, however, heirless (much to the consternation of his deathbed-ridden mother), and still traumatised by the death of his sister many years earlier. In honour of her, he names the child Rose, and presents her to his ailing mother as the next heir to the Loveall fortune. The only problem with this situation is that she is, in fact, a boy…

Rose makes for one of the most engaging and well-drawn narrators in

I WAS BONO’S DOPPELGANGER Neil McCormick Penguin

Memoir by a former classmate of U2, now a critic at the Telegraph

W

e all know someone compulsively obsessed with the idea of becoming a rock star. Neil McCormick, the author in question, was one of those people, except he had a huge problem.

SLOWLY DOWNWARD Stanley Donwood

Naked Guides Ltd A collection of ‘miserable stories’ from the man behind Radiohead’s artwork

D

onwood’s four-part collection of very short stories is surprisingly funny. His stories describe a range of surreal events (alien abduction is a particular favorite) allowing the author to show off his black humour and wit.

But this book offers more than just

“So you see, when you think about it, saving the world’s really as easy as that” Throughout his youth he had to compete in a primitive Irish rock scene with his school mates Paul, Dave, Adam and Larry - collectively witty surrealism: Donwood combines this with a sensitive and accurate portrayal of problems such as discontent that are easy to relate to. The book can be read either as a whole collection or as individual stories; the latter option is probably advisable as it began to feel repetitive when read all at once, and many of the stories have an almost poetic quality that encourages re-reading in search of hidden meaning.

Yes, Slowly Downward is twisted, surreal and funny, but it is the author’s exploration of personal fears and worries that makes this such a thought-provoking read.

Liz Stephens

recent fiction, and as his/her story unfolds a myriad cast of well-meaning servants, heartless relatives and mysterious poets enter the fray, all of whom are wonderfully depicted by Stace. Particularly in the first half of the book, he captures the dual wonders and pitfalls of childhood enchantingly, before Rose’s identity crisis and search for meaning take her far away from British shores, on a voyage of discovery taking in Mediterranean pirates, Ancient Greek mythology and a family of expatriates who might just provide her with some kind of rescue.

Stace’s novel explores such topics as gender and sexuality with such verve and intelligence that similarly themed books - such as Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex - simply feel arduous in comparison. A staggeringly rich and promising debut, which - like the greatest pop songs - appeals on a number of different levels.

James Skinner known as U2. McCormick relays his stomach-churning envy at U2’s meteoric rise to stardom, while he stumbled through awfully named bands such as ‘Frankie Corpse and the Undertakers’ and ‘The Modulators’, frantically searching for any kind of break. This is a hugely comic/ironic tale of bad luck, bad music and green eyed monsters set against the backdrop of U2’s success. McCormick regretfully gave up on rock stardom and now writes music reviews for the Telegraph, which wins him even more sympathy than not being in U2.

Tom Frost

30

Film

film@gairrhydd.com

ROMERO’S DAY OF THE DEAD UP FOR A REMAKE.

07 11 05

film@gairrhydd

It has been rumoured by our little deadite & zombie associates that Steve

By Ryan Owen Miner is to remake Romero’s Day of Film Editor the Dead. At least in isn’t an MTV hack helming it, which is one thing... ell, I hope you all had a reet good Halloween, I certainly did.

ARONOFSKY AGAIN Two awesome parties dressed as Just after post-production of The Teen Wolf. Now for anyone that was Fountain, we hear rumours that born after 1985, or wondering why I Paramount want Darren Aronofsky to was mixing basketballs and werehelm an adaptation. Well the lucky wolves, or generally is just unculbook is Shannon Burke’s novel about tured, soon will come my answer. an EMT in arlem and negotiations are My friend had already taken the underway. great idea of Optimus Prime, so nostalgia reigned and I went as Teen BLACK CHRISTMAS Wolf an 80s teenflick involving the REMAKE awesome (not now, bless him) Hmm remakes aplenty, what next?

Well Black Christmas is next, likely to Michael J. Fox. It’s a film about the lack of acceptbe distributed by Dimension Films. ance, personal differences and lots Directed by James Wong & Glen and lots of cheesy moments. From Morgan it ought to be...well...a film. the title it is quite easy to guess that 'Damn them,' I say, 'damn them all'.

MJ Fox turns into a werewolf. When he does, it’s all for the better. He becomes superb at basketball, which in turn brings him the popularity of his high school basketball team. He wins the affections of the school beauty, he surfs on vans, and dances to a wolf-tune. The stuff that dreams are made of and more.

Well, Wes Craven must have liked Teen Wolf, because he ripped it off recently with Cursed, even though it was a piss-poor film. Anyway to get to my point, if you haven’t seen Teen Wolf go and buy it now. Then at least next Halloween you can dress as him (or it), and stand alongside my delightful Derek Acorah costume.

EEE Sam there’s a ghost.

W

Film News 50 CENT. PROMOTES GUNS.

Movie posters of 50 Cent’s new film Get Rich or Die Tryin’ have been taken down after complaints. They show ‘Thicky’ Cent holding a mic in one hand and a pistol in the other and some fear they promote gun violence. No shit.

BUSY STALLONE

Remember how last issue we told you Sylvester Stallone is set to make a new Rocky film? Well that ain’t all he’s been up to. Obviously making a sequel involves far less thought and effort than, say, a new idea so he’s making a fourth Rambo film too.

iT IS BIG AND IT IS CLEVER Once again Peter Jackson shows the world if it’s worth doing it’s worth doing big. His latest project King Kong has weighed in at three hours long. So make sure you take a cushion and a packed lunch.

M ORE

Terry Gilliam

Rumours

Although The Brothers Grimm was shit to say the least, we at Film Desk want to see more and hope to God he gets back to his best

The horror films that have been released recently, frankly, have been shit. Why do they carry on making them if they be so shit

If only we had more time

Horror

L ESS

" Polar Express Out on DVD this fortnight: 7th Nov - Valiant !" !" " 14th Nov - War of the Worlds !" " Charlie and the Choc...

Out at cinemas this fortnight: 4th Nov - Brothers Grimm ! " 11th Nov - Constant Gardener Elizabethtown ! Murderball !" !" " Kiss Kiss Bang Bang !" " In Her Shoes

So what else would have gone in this week, given the option? One bigass Halloween special, that’s what. A complete guide to the best films to watch whilst hiding from trick-or-treaters and the drunken revellers. Ah well. Maybe next year.

Film

The

life

THE BROTHERS GRIMM Dir: Terry Gilliam Starring: Heath Ledger, Matt Damon, Jonathan Pryce Out Now, 118 mins

P

oor Terry Gilliam. He doesn’t seem to be having a right lot of luck at the moment. The last film he made was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas way back in 1998 which wound up being a fair way from breaking even. His Don Quixote project never made it to fruition (though it did make a very entertaining documentary in the shape of Lost In La Mancha) and now The Brothers Grimm has floundered at the US box office. After the past few years this pitiable man has had, he really does deserve this project to be a sleeper success.

This latest project tells the story, once upon a time (well, 19th Century), of two siblings who make their living as con-artists. They travel from village to village in French-occupied Germany convincing the people they are suffering from attacks by fairy-tale creatures and then proceed to ‘save’ them from further harm. All for a price, of course. This is fine until they are rumbled by, Gilliam favourite, Jonathan

of

31

Grimm

Pryce’s French nobleman who packs them off with a mission to stop another couple of tricksters in a nearby village. But all is not what it seems when they discover missing children and a real magical curse set over a forest.

By all rights, Grimm and Gilliam should have been a match made in fantasy cinema heaven. Surely the ‘only American in Monty Python’ would be in his element creating costumes, magic and fairy tales. Only Jim Henson (and he’s dead) could have had a better chance at making this work.

So what went wrong? Well Harvey and Bob, that’s what. The two Weinsteins (big wigs from Miramax for those who don’t know) came in at the 11th hour and kept the film in production after MGM had pulled out. They then promptly set about sticking their oars in and making unnecessary changes. Forcing Gilliam into a mainstream position that he doesn’t naturally fall in, they swapped the brilliant Samantha Morton (Minority Report) for the ‘hotter’ Lena Headey in the role of Angelika, the love interest. As a result, her character is unfulfilled and largely two-dimensional. Headley does give what is asked of her but little more. Had she been given the chance to shine, Morton would have brought considerably more integrity to the role.

The casting of Matt Damon and Heath Ledger as the double act of the title is another ‘standard’ choice.

Ledger has clearly been working hard to make the world forget about his rom-com, teen-schmick past. Parts in Monster’s Ball and Lords of Dogtown have done their bit in upping his ‘real actor’ status and his performance eclipses Damon’s as Jacob, the brother obsessed with fairy-tale stories.

Here is a man that has bags of movie-star potential. Only time will tell if he lives up to his, slowly building, hype or goes the road of Colin Farrell.

Gilliam still retained some say and the film is not without some typical non-mainstream inclusions. During the course of the two hours we are treated to a man getting torn in half and the gruesome death of, wait for it, a kitten. Yes this is a film to be viewed with a macabre sense of humour and without the desire for factual accuracy. Apparently German people have northern English accents, by the way.

Ultimately, however, this film just don’t ride. Lack of real structure, underdeveloped love story and a partial absence in atmosphere really let the side down. This is Terry Gilliam doing fairy tales. It should have been filled with dark Time Bandits-esq visions and even darker humour.

Damn those Weinsteins.

Catherine Gee

32

Film

PROOF Wed 9th Nov, 19.30 Cineworld 9 Fri 10th Nov, 15.30 Cineworld 15 Early reviews state this film isn’t all it’s cracked up to be but as it’s the opening night it may well be worth a look.

Dir: John Madden Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Anthony Hopkins

THE PROPOSITION Sat 12th Nov, 22.30 Cineworld 14 Sun 13th Nov, 19.30 Cineworld 14 This looks brilliant. Written by the incredible Nick Cave (yes, that one) and starring Guy Pearce and Ray Winstone. Set in 18th century Australia.

Dir: John Hillicoat

Film Desk brings you what we think will be worth watching at this month’s Cardiff Screen Festival DUMPLINGS Fri 11th Nov, 22.30 Cineworld 14 Seriously disturbinglooking Hong Kong film about a woman who, in order to preserve her youthful looks, resorts to eating ‘special’ dumplings. I won’t ruin the surprise by telling you what they are but rest assured it is damn sick. Shot

by Christopher Doyle Dir: Fruit Chan Starring: Bai Ling, Miriam Yeung

LONESOME JIM Tue 15th Nov, 20.30 Cineworld 15 Wed 16th Nov, 17.00 Chapter 2 Any self-respecting film fan should be getting sweatily excited over this release. It’s Steve Buscemi’s latest directorial effort. Go watch.

Starring: Casey Affleck, Liv Tyler

SCREAMING MASTERPIECE Wed 16th Nov, 21.30 Chapter 1 Fri 18th Nov, 15.30 Cineworld 15 Documentary about the Icelandic music scene.

Dir: Ari Alexander Ergis Magnusson Starring: Sigur Ros, Bjork, Hilmar Orn Hillmarsson Where The Truth Lies

Also: Matador, An Unfinished Life, The Dark, Hidden, Cockles and Muscles, The Devil and Daniel Johnston, The Puffy Chair and others. Check www.cardiffscreenfestival.co.uk or call 02920 304400 for details.

Film

D

SAW II Dir Darren L Bousman Tobin Bell, Donnie Wahlberg, Meyer Kerry

LEGEND OF ZORRO Dir Martin Campbell Antonio Banderas, Catherine Zeta Jones

Out Now, 93 mins

Out Now, 129 mins

etective Eric Mason (Donnie Wahlberg) is put to the test when his team is baited by the Jigsaw Killer (Tobin Bell). His son is one of six people trapped in a house trying to find the antidotes for the toxic gas they're breathing in.

The six captives are told that they have two hours to work out the combination to a safe in which the antidotes lie. To get to the antidote they have to solve puzzles that result in the discovery of a secret about another captive. If this wasn’t enough they have to avoid the many elaborate traps that are in the house.

Jigsaw, the organiser of all this mayhem is captured and offers Detective Mason a chance to save them. With time running out, the strangers use drastic measures to save their own lives, while the everstubborn Mason is forced to watch them die one by one.

The rapid hand-held camera, bizarre whiplash movements and peculiar edits fail to conjure up tension. It feels more like an action film, than horror and we never fully believe what is happening. The dire acting doesn’t help this either, with the lack of any character development and far too many 2D characters that are all unlikeable.

Ideas are recycled from Saw, making it tiresome and repetitive, but it crucially misses the claustrophobia that was previously present. It also lacks the considerable intellectual development of its predecessor, and also absent are the flashbacks explaining why the victims are there.

Some of the killings are lurid and disturbing but overly gratuitous, trying to outdo Saw by mounting even bigger twists and deaths. The concept resembles Cube but the film itself is reminiscent of its sequel Cube 2, which was shit. Saw II was in fact better than the original, but that's like saying being kicked in the groin is better than being punched in the face.

Ryan Owen

H

ere it is. The long-awaited sequel to the Mask of Zorro, the hugely exciting sword fighting adventure with Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones (she’s Welsh you know). And is it good?

Was the first one? Not really.

Don’t strain yourselves getting excited. All we have here is another paint-by-numbers ‘historical’ Hollywood moneymaker. As we all know, history, in the hands of Hollywood filmmakers is never safe. It gets contorted and twisted till we all believe what they say and the genuine versions are left forgotten.

Legend of Zorro offers a romanticised, bland version of what really happened. Trust me when I say history is never bland or straightforward.

And there are rarely any good guys in history either. Yet despite the truth usually making the better story it has to be reduced so that children and people with bad taste in films can understand it.

Yes, it can be entertaining and, director, Martin Campbell does dish up a few exciting action sequences.

But ultimately it’s only one of those efforts that finish up with an empty feeling inside and a bad taste in the mouth.

For Zorro fans it may be worth the trip to the cinema but if you want an action packed roller coaster ride starring Antonio Banderas watch Desperado instead. Now there’s a film worth seeing. Catherine Gee

33

THE WORLD’S FASTEST INDIAN Dir Roger Donaldson Anthony Hopkins, Chris Williams Out Now, 100 mins

B

eautiful cinematography. check.

Intriguing character. check.

Meaty story-line. check. So far, so good.

This Australian film is another that adheres to the how-to-make-a-film model. It stars a 70-year-old Kiwi (Hopkins) who seeks the thrills of adrenalin only his 1920s ‘Indian’ motorcycle can provide.

Under the relatively unknown directorial guidance of Roger Donaldson (The Recruit), this is a biographical adaptation of the life of aforementioned Burt Munro. A loveable, yet unconventional man who dreams of setting the land speed record on the Bonneville Salt Flats. But he must first raise the money of his sceptical friends to achieve this. Here ensues a number of chance meetings where our hero’s warmth and salt-of-the-earth magnetism provide a gratifying journey into his ambitions and will.

Despite a few obvious flaws, the ever reliable Hopkins effectively captures Munro’s charismatic oddity, and the support cast offer a decent humour prop.

However, like other native releases of 2005 - The Rage in Placid Lake, Wolf Creek and Somersault - this offering is a little too self-enamoured and ‘fluffy’ in places. Aesthetically the film is formidable but still remains yet another tepid Australian affair.

Michela Riva

She literally shat her load

34

Film

DAKOTA FANNING: Not a tart. Yet. DREAMER Dir: John Gatins Starring: Kurt Russell, Dakota Fanning, Kris Kristofferson Out Now, 100 mins

P

recocious yet strangely unnerving young actress Dakota Fanning manages not to grate too heavily on the nerves in this fairly generic but well-made family film.

When Ben Crane (Kurt Russell) is fired from his job as a racehorse trainer he thinks he’s lost it all, but his optimistic and kind-hearted daughter Cale (Fanning) persuades him to take in an injured horse with the prospects of rearing it back to health for the potential of breeding. When they discover the horse is sterile all looks grim for the Crane family, but the conviction of young Cale brings the racehorse back to its former glory, as a fifty-to-one long shot in the Breeders’ Cup. First-time director John Gatins crafts an innocuous underdog tale that sifts out just the right amount of saccharine to avoid Dreamer from becoming cloying. Come the conclusion, some may feel they’ve seen this sort of thing before, but Kurt Russell, Elisabeth Shue (as Ben’s wife, Lily) and the always-watchable David Morse all make a sterling effort, while Luis Guzmán has his usual comic relief Hispanic shtick down pat. Dreamer is excellent Sunday afternoon movie fodder;, not particularly prophetic but admirably straightforward in an era where filmmakers are sometimes afraid to succumb to traditional storytelling of its ilk.

Ewen Hosie

GHOST IN THE SHELL 2: INNOCENCE Dir: Mamoru Oshii Starring: Akio Ôtsuka, Atsuko Tanaka, Kôichi Yamadera

regards to the artistic direction and overall design of the film it is an absolute visual masterpiece.

Technological advances in the field of animation have allowed visionary director Mamoru Oshii and his team Out Now, 100 mins to integrate traditional cell-shaded characters with painstakingly detailed computer-generated environments. It is an approach used in other animes t is the Tokyo of the future, one past, but it has never before been where cyborg enhancements, applied with such perfectionism or advanced robotic automatons and grainy authenticity as in this film. artificially emotive androids are a Strip lights on the ceiling bathe very tangible reality. characters in eerie glows, blood The ‘ghosts’ are the last fragments spurts and glass shatters in bravura of humanity in the cyborg body once use of slow-motion and, in one particcomplete modification has ular sequence in a occurred, whispering to the elecYakuza den, protatronic brains of their vessels. ganists battle in Public Security Section Nine the most dazinvestigators Batou and zling displays Togusa have been of movement assigned to a case. and inventive Robotic sex dolls are camera angles going haywire and maswhich are almost impossisacring their owners. ble to contemplate in Investigation leads to a a standard film. mysterious hacker named Kim, Visuals permeate who seeks to learn the GITS2: The dog a washed-out, grainy essence of humanity in his aesthetic for the most part, inanimate shell as a motionalthough all expectations are conless puppet. founded a musically driven parade For some, Ghost in the Shell 2: montage which completely confounds Innocence will not appeal as it is not all expectations in its use of psychea film that is tailored to a wide audience. Openly philosophical in its inter- delic beauty.

Aurally too, the film excels. It is the pretations of the nature of reality, and first anime feature to enable the talin particular, its discussion of ents of Skywalker Sound and Kenji Cartesian ideas of man, it is a film that is easily open to the label of ‘pre- Kawai’s score is, as was the case in his music for the first film, incredibly tentious’. However, this is a minor quibble for one very important reason. emotive and haunting, evoking the perfect atmosphere to complement Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence is Oshii’s vision. See it and revel in its stunning. The grace of motion and magnificence. vibrancy of colour on display result in a veritable assault on the senses. In Ewen Hosie terms of what has been achieved with

I

IDENTITY Dir James Mangold Ray Liotta, John Cusack, Amanda Peet James Meredith, 19 from Bristol studying English Language

Spotlight Readers introduce Film Desk to their favourite films.

Film

movie at first, with connections made between people’s birthdays, and meaningful characters surnames. But then it takes a turn and it is revealed that, until now, the two separate stories are actually co-dependent of each other.”

“I FIRST saw Identity about a year ago after a present enlightened me.

If you haven’t seen or heard of Identity, it is about a killer who has a split personality. Unfortunately both the characters and the audience have no idea who the killer is, until the very end, until it is too late.

Identity reminds me of Memento, in that it has several twists throughout and also the density and sharpness of the plot.

It is quite misleading in that it advertises itself and even the DVD blurb seem to be promoting a horror film. It only plays out like a horror

James

The DVDon

Reviews you can’t refuse THE DESCENT, rel. 7th November Neil Marshall’s second film isn’t simply a female Dog Soldiers. It’s a claustrophobic, ferocious, and terrifying tale set in a cave with six women intent on surviving. Striving to escape without being the latest on a Sunday Roast menu, the women descent upon a manic ordeal that is unlikely to end with a smile on ones face.

Hide behind the sofa for this baroque gothic horror. You’ll never see caving in the same light again.

The Don Says: “I once went caving. I befriended gorillas and we played Trivial Pursuit until dawn” Ryan Owen

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, rel. 14th November Tim Burton's self-consciously 'kooky' box office monster marks his fourth collaboration with the master of quirk, Johnny Depp who relishes in

bringing the mysterious Willy Wonka to life. Wonka is a constant psychedelic barrage of visual wizardry and imagination with the usual adult-orientated jokes. All in all, Charlie... is, much like chocolate itself, a great treat for the senses.

The Don Says: “I once had a warehouse full of chocolate to entice children into my lair. I was brought to trial but justice sought to see me innocent. I then got a warehouse full of children...”

Ewen Hosie

WAR OF THE WORLDS, rel. 14th November A contemporary retelling of H.G. Wells' seminal classic by the bearded Spielberg. Cruise and his young family witness a towering three-legged war machine that emerges from deep beneath the earth, the first strike in a cataclysmic alien attack on Earth.

Everyone flees but no matter where they run, there is no safety and no refuge. Spielberg’s reimagining is tepid, dull and distinctly average. If you disagree then buy the DVD. The Don Says: “I was once bought a coffee coaster like this for Christmas. Unfortunately it was useless because my preference is to place my cups of coffee on George Lucas’ huge freeeking Beard. He’s the producer of Howard the Duck if you didn’t know” Ryan Owen

35

John

BAD SANTA rel. 25th November I’d like to watch an alcoholic sexaddled Santa rob his way to fortune with his midget friend. You should too. Billy Bob Thornton likes to fuck, drink and rob everything in sight. I do hope there’s a sequel.

The Don Says: “I once felated Santa.

Great presents that year. ‘Nuff said” Ryan Owen

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL BILL BAILEY: COSMIC JAM Rel. Out Now

I

n ye olden times, there lyeth a comedian of sorts called Bill Bailey.

He betelleth jokes and tales of mystery, that enchanted audiences with wisdomery, charm and beautiful facial hair. Laughing and frolicking was hadden by all. Here lies a circular disc that produces Bill Bailey to telleth olden jokes anew. It is like a mammoth, a behemoth if you will and now it is tamed.

The Don Says: “I was once at the Moat House in Sheffield. I opened two bars of soap and only used one. And just ran out laughing.

Then I went back and re-wrapped it and took it downstairs and apologised, but not for a few hours.”

Ryan Owen with the help of Bill Bailey

36

Interviews

#1

interviews@gairrhydd.com

#2

07 11 05

#3 The Automatic

Test Icicles

Arctic Monkeys

Starspotting Choose Britain’s biggest new band... Choose London’s punkiest prospects... Choose, er, Cowbridge’s only band...

Quench meets 2006’s superstars

W

ith a number one safely stuffed in their satchel, a massive, frenzied, internet fanbase and their popularity threatening to get frighteningly out of control you’ve probably already heard of Arctic Monkeys. Four unassuming, spotty-faced pups that have rocketed from Sheffield to stardom in a matter of months and are on the verge of something very special indeed.

They’re not on their tod though.

Joining them in the ranks of 2006’s most exciting prospects are mean chaos-punk oiks Test Icicles and local cheekyboy rockers The Automatic, and quite frankly they’re all going to be clinging to your lug holes like a pair of magnetic earmuffs over the next 12 months. So get used to it.

They might all be speeding towards every stereo in the universe, but each band have set out from very different directions. A word on where it all began: "Cowbridge (‘about nine miles from Cardiff, near Bridgend’) is trophywife central," chirps baby-faced Rob (bass/vocals, The Automatic). "It’s a place where professionals go to die."

"There’s three old-people’s homes in

a town of 6000. In fact, there’s an old-people’s home right by my house, I can hear their TV’s, they’re so loud," offers an excitable Pennie (keyboards, The Automatic).

Elderly noise pollution aside and the youthful locals are quick to dismiss any links to the ubiquitous Emo of South Wales.

"Well yeah, Funeral For a Friend, Lostprophets, Bullet For My Valentine, we’re not any of them."

“

It may only be November 2005, but 2006 already belongs to them all Up North From Cowbridge to Camaraderie, what about Sheffield and this ‘NewYorkshire’ malarkey? Alex (guitarist/vocals, Arctic Monkeys) smirks, "yeah, it’s just a publicity thing to gee people up. The other bands, they’re all us mates like. But to be fair you can get a T-shirt that says ‘I Love New-Yorkshire’ in that New York style, which is quite cool."

Cosy best buddies up north then?

"Yeah definitely, mates’ bands like Milburn probably encouraged us to start a band more than anyone."

Despite this though, they still have to worry about the tacky hype.

"Yeah it’s a bit worrying, no doubt it probably got some people into them (other Yorkshire bands) that hadn’t heard them before, but then other people will be like ‘Oh look at this what a load of bollocks.’"

Moving more southerly and the capital has had a lot to do with the shaping of Test Icicles sound.

"The indie, the dance and the punk shit have all been huge in London for the past year, so that’s played a big part in the album," splutters Sam. (vocals, Test Icicles) "I’d say our influences are distinctly American, but pushed through a filter of British music."

Going Global Newport. Birmingham. New York.

Tokyo. All the most glamorous places on the planet. Our adventurers have blitzed or are about to blitz, them all.

Going global is the eventual goal for all three. Or is it?

Interviews Europe, America and Japan are all preparing themselves to begin wilting over Arctic Monkeys in the next couple of months as they visit. This is before they’ve even released an album ("It’s pencilled in for January or February" - just in case you were wondering).

"Yeah, it’s strange enough going to sleep and waking up in Sunderland, let alone another country," says Matt (drums, Arctic Monkeys) with a mixture of concern and elation, “But just as places to go, it’s gonna be amazing."

Likewise Test Icicles and The Automatic might currently be a few more notches down the band-hyperbole evolutionary scale but the next few months are set to bounce them to another place too.

“We’re going to New York for like a week, then some shows in Europe and England, and some time off over Christmas," rushes Sam. "Then, maybe, a new single in January, and a new video. We’re definitely focusing on America next year though."

A few steps behind, The Automatic only release their debut single Recover this week, but things are already moving quickly for them too.

"Yeah, every time we play more and more people are turning up, and we’re supporting Hard-Fi in November which should be cool," babbles guitarist Frost.

I

“

gh It’s strange enou wakd going to sleep anand, let rl de un ing up in S untr y. alone another co onkeys Matt - Arctic M

On The Road And so then to the lavish world of frenzied groupies, celeb parties, model girlfriends, exotic destinations and their faces plastered on every rock ‘n’ roll rag going.

Matt grins, "Yeah, it’s still a bit weird, but it won’t stop me going into WH Smith."

"Sometimes it does get a bit crazy, with camera phones and stuff like that. But I don't mind," concedes Alex, “We’d probably do the same”.

After all it’s not often your average band sells 40,000 copies of their first single proper (I Bet That You Look Good On The Dance Floor) in it’s first week and unapologetically crashes into the UK’s number one spot.

37

Feelings are a little more pessimistic in the Testes camp, when confronted with all the fuss about being 2006’s punkiest orgy of chaos-metal.

"Well I don’t see any logic in that, ‘cos if I was to look at us, I’d say ‘God, they can’t be big’. You know, we’re not very palatable. They’re not super-catchy pop songs are they?!" froths Sam. At least they don’t seem phased by intense media interest.

"I don’t care. I couldn’t care if I wasn’t in a band or signed this time next year. We’re not like that. Other people might think that way, but we don’t give a shit." Our boys certainly have contrasting approaches.

One thing’s for sure though, the next 12 months are going to be one helluva ride. Three bands, three drastically different directions, but one common goal. To hijack your heart, make your nose run, ears bleed and your feet dance. From the obscenity of Test Icicles to the cheekiness of Arctic Monkeys and the cuddliness of The Automatic. Its only November 2005, but 2006 already belongs to them all.

“

Still in the embryonic stages of what should be a heady journey into mass-popularity The Fune Automatic are more cautious.

Lostproral For a Frie "To be honest we haven’t My Val phets, Bulle nd, really thought about it, but t entine, yeah it’s going to be really we’re nFor a n y ot good," smiles Rob meekly, Frost - of them.

T h facing up to the big time. e Auto matic “It’s all a bit mad to be honest, it’s like when we got signed (to B-Unique, home of Kaiser in ’t n Arctic Monkeys and The Automatic s a w I Chiefs amongst others) it all if were talking to Greg Cochrane whilst on their e r a c ’t r.

September and October tours. happened quickly, very very wouldn d by next yea Test Icicles were talking to Sam Coare whilst on quickly,” adds Frost like a man n a b their current UK tour. a s who knows the hype around cicle I t s e T Arctic Monkeys single I Bet That You Look Good his band is going to gather Danger On The Dancefoor is out now on Domino.

Sam E pace faster than a cheetah drivThe Automatic’s debut single Recover, is out on November 14th through B-Unique. ing a Ferrari.

Test Icicles debut album, For Screening Purposes Only, is out now on Domino.

38

Music BABY SHAMBLES Down In Albion Rough Trade

Pete in decent album shocker SCROUNGE AROUND in a rubbish dump long enough and you might end up finding a treasure. Amongst the scraps of scratching guitars and masses of mumbling vocals on Down in Albion, there are a few hidden gems that only become apparent on repeat listening.

If you’re hoping that the mess you heard at the live shows has been cleaned up then on behalf of producer Mick Jones, I apologise. Debut single Killamangiro has been pointlessly rerecorded and is a dull, muted version of its former punchy self.

BLAKTRIX Trust

Dialup Records

music@gairrhydd.com Sound engineers aside, Pete’s penned a few stunners – in particular, Fuck Forever, Albion and opener La Belle et le Bete on which Kate Moss makes a sultry appearance.

This album is long overdue. Hopefully it’ll detract atten-

Pick e Of Th Week

07 11 05

tion away from the fact that the lead singer is shagging heroin and smoking Kate Moss. It’s nowhere near as good as The Libertines’ material but get over it and give it a couple of listens before it sticks. 7/10 Matthew Hilt

BABYSHAMBLES: “Eeeee...I’m right cunted me”

SERENA MANEESH Serena Maneesh Honeymilk Records

Young Dog, old Trix

Doomy rock from Norway? Never.

THIS SIX-TRACK EP from Cardiffbased hip-hopper/mc Blaktrix is a gritty, aggressive offering with a clear message and an underground ethos.

Opener Friday Night Fight is aggressive hip-hop boxing bravado containing the lyric "stop dribblin’ like Damien Duff" which warms you to it immediately. Right to Reply is a groovy rant at political injustice, proof perhaps that Mr Trix has brains as well as brawn.

Night and Day samples The Eagles’ One Of These Crazy Nights and its hypnotic, infectious bassline pulsates for the duration. Knowledge of Self is a cry to his fellow under-privileged black citizens to rise above their oppression; Malcolm X and Nelson Mandela are among the idols he compares himself too, self-confidence indeed.

"Fuck the phonies, I’d rather be a lowly" he spits on Them or Us before the EP ends with the Jurassic 5-esque Lean which climaxes with some delicate Spanish guitar.

Aggressive yet melodic throughout, it’s underground, local and pretty damn good.

7/10 Tom Howard

CONFUSINGLY, these songs are excellent. ‘Why on earth is that confusing?’ I hear you cry. Well, in response to your so apt of questions I will say this: It is confusing because they are not only excellent, but also instantly forgettable.

Despite having listened to this debut album from these Norwegian Drone-Rockers a good seven or eight times I cannot hum a single track or recount a single lyric.

I know what I think they sound like but cannot be sure without putting it on while I write this. ‘Well Listen To It Then,’ I hear you cry once more (stop crying it’s wasting words). In response, play has been pressed.

Turns out my suspicions were founded in truth, they brood like The Jesus and Mary Chain and they flow like The Mars Volta. Beehiver II is charged with throbbing machismo yet atop this floats a hauntingly angelic coo which strives to remain purer before being devoured by the growl of the Devil himself.

Oh, it’s finished, that was excellent…wait a minute… what am I doing… Serena who? 8/10 Harold Shiel

ROSIE THOMAS If Songs Could Be Held Sub Pop

Apple of Oberst’s ‘bright’ eye PICTURE THE SCENE. We're at a Bright Eyes gig waiting for the support act after the withdrawal of The Postal Service. Their replacement is introduced but their name lost beneath the murmurs of discontent.

Suddenly the most beautiful voice I've ever heard quietly brings the venue to a hush. This is Rosie Thomas and that was two years ago.

“

A touch of White Album era Beatles, a pinch of Joni Mitchell and a sprinkle of Aimee Mann Back with her third album Thomas continues where she left of after 2003's Only With Laughter Can You Win: A touch of White Album-era Beatles here, a pinch of Joni Mitchell there and a sprinkle of Aimee Mann to finish it off. Nothing tricky then, just simple songs sung with the kind of voice you imagine the leading lady in your favourite movie to have. A wonderful collection.

8/10 Will Dean

TEST ICICLES For Screening Purposes Only Domino

It’s a bit like Testicles...right?

WWW.MYSPACE.COM is an online community where one can find a wealth of new (and used) bands to whet any appetite, but of course you already knew that. It was only a matter of time before one of these bands careened out of the screen and into the mainstream consciousness.

Please welcome to the stage, TestIcicles, they come on complete with one of the greatest pun-names the world has never seen, an extrememly "random" sound and an attitude Liam Gallagher might envy (if only he’d heard of them). Echoes of Bloc Party’s Post-Punk edginess resound in amongst lashings of Blood Brothers style Camp-Metal. Songs like Catch it! , What’s Your Damage? and new single Circle. Square. Triangle can really light up a room. These merely being the best of a boss bunch.

They never overdo it, with songs ranging from short to just right, and in among the posturing arrogance you get a distinct feeling that essentially they’re all about the fun. 8/10 Harold Shiel

VARIOUS 1980 Forward-25 Years Of 4AD 4AD

25 Years...so when did they start?

SEMINAL BRITISH label 4AD, founded in 1980, celebrates its silver anniversary with a retrospective compilation from some of the label's most alluring acts within its 25-year history.

25 Years… starts atmospheric, intense and artful with the ambient swirls and ethereal vocals of The Cocteau Twins. Their track Lorelei along with Pale Saint’s Sight Of you is dreamlike and surreal that wouldn’t seem out of place on the Lost In Translation soundtrack. Zappa-esque TV On The Radio are abruptly noisy until The Breeders interrupt with their soothing vocals. Sombre guitar wailing Throwing Muses, and Pixies throw their weight around, whilst The Mountain Goats talk starkly over cadenced guitars. Americana is the

tone for the forty-minute point that leads on to exploratory quirky electronica from Sybarite. The finale Magic Mountain by Blonde Redhead is an achingly beautiful ballad that delicately hangs over restrained bass and gothic keyboards.

If you like The Jesus and Mary Chain or My Bloody Valentine, or just want to reminisce in post-punk debauchery, this is a great album to pick up and proves 4AD are still going strong. 8/10 Ryan Owen

EURYTHMICS The Ultimate Collection Sony BMG

Sweet Dreams...etc...

THE SYNTH-TASTIC duo are back, with a very unbalanced compilation.

The press release bleats that they’ve ‘had over 20 international hits’ but only 17 are present here, many of which won’t be known to the casual fan, quite simply because they’re crap.

Cutting more dross would have made for a much better album, but as it is the good songs are undermined by the bad ones, which reek of eighties over-production, with random trumpets thrown in everywhere.

Lennox’s voice is excellent on each track but even she can’t make new single I’ve Got a Life sound like anything but a Celine Dion ballad.

Several songs are very good, such as the iconic Sweet Dreams and cheesefest Sisters are Doing it for Themselves, featuring Aretha Franklin, and a few more could at least be sung along to in the car, but the rest are just torture. 5/10 Jenna Harris

STEREO MCS Paradise Graffiti Recordings

Does MC stand for Massive Cock?

SO, THE STEREO MCs are back with their follow-up to 2001's less than impressive Deep Down and Dirty. To be honest, there hasn't been too much improvement here.

This is largely a mish-mash of soul, hip-hop and funk, thrown together with Rob Birch’s laid back stoner-style rhymes, scattered with the odd guest

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appearance here and there.

It seems as though Stereo MCs have lost their sense of direction since their award winning 1992 opus Connected.

“

A mish-mash of Soul, Hip-Hop and Funk thrown together with Rob Birch’s laid-back stoner style.

This band is looking back to those days and to the band it used to be, trying unsuccessfully to live up to what they created on that record.

Granted, some of the beats on this record are quality, Nick Hallam doing a good job on the title track Paradise and on the dark, brooding Breath Out. The trouble is, Rob Birch’s rhyming sounds like Robbie Williams’ selfmocking ‘rap’ on Rock DJ. Stereo MCs are a band that desperately want to recreate their hey-day, but end up sounding like a cheap rip-off of a once great act. Paradise? You won’t find it here. 4/10 Tom Williams

MOZEZ So Still

Apace Music

Kiss my burning bush...sorry BLENDING TOGETHER laid-back soul and electronica, Zero 7 vocalist and former gospel singer Mozez has managed to create a smooth and reflective debut solo album.

The Jamaican-born singer defines his own style and at the same time explores a new genre of chill-out music that incorporates feel-good melodies with melancholy.

Although lyrically the album is largely weak and predictable, Mozez croons over each track with such ease and depth, unoriginality goes unnoticed. Combing hazy, serene sounds in Troubled Mind and Feel Good with Spinning Top, one of the more emotive tracks, Mozez achieves a mellow feel by relaxing instead of depressing his listeners.

This is an album that serves to create a mood rather than match it.

7/10 Annabel Lee

KT: Tun-tied

KT TUNSTALL

Great Hall

Tuesday 18th Oct ED HARCOURT walks on stage at 8pm. This guy is talented.

His erratic one-man show glides beautifully from raw jazz to grainy rock to soft ballads. Sweeping his hair off his face and pouring his heart into songs such as Trapdoor, it is clear to see that this guy is going somewhere fast.

Although already an established

TT SCOUT NIBLE h Clwb Ifor Bac ber to c Friday 28th O THREE BANDS ON the same bill exceeding expectations is a rare thing, but this Too Pure label showcase of Ill Ease, Shooting At Unarmed Men and Scout Niblett did just that.

Ill Ease, a tiny girl with short brown hair who could easily pass for a young boy, executed her one woman show so perfectly that the small Ifor Bach audience was fully encapsulated.

Flitting between created-on-the-spot guitar loops and her drums, it was a sign of things to come.

Shooting At Unarmed Men, led by John ‘Ex-Mclusky’ Chapple, presented genuinely intelligent, aggressive guitar pop with a sound reminiscent of Fugazi; and the humour, song-writing genius and pop perfection of Pixies and Weezer. It made missing Frank Black and compadres in the summer seem tolerable.

Scout Niblett, an imp-like girl with red tights and pointy brown boots

recording artist, it will not be long before Ed breaks into the mainstream. In these times of numerous mediocre one-man-and-a-piano/guitar acts, Ed Harcourt could show them a thing or two.

KT Tunstall is much shorter in real life than you would imagine, but what she lacks in physical stature she makes up for in talent and a love for what she is doing. After Ed’s set, the sound of a full band is welcomed greatly. KT’s voice bounces off every wall and her band are spot on.

Amongst favourites such as Black Horse and the Cherry Tree, KT introduces some new numbers such as Dirty Water which confirm that her success will not stop at her first album. KT’s energetic performance of Suddenly I See sums up the evening - not a face in the audience to be seen without a smile, and not one head not bopping along.

Tom Williams

ED: Harcourt torn

FOUR TET The Point ct Thursday 27th O LIKE DOOR BELLS ringing, ten clocks ticking, a Game Boy imploding and xylophones playing themselves, backwards. This is the perplexing rhythms of Four Tet, simultaneously sounding like everything, and nothing. Kieran Hebden may be a fluffy haired geek with an unhealthy obsession with buttons, but his tunes are glitchy gems. Opener A Joy from recent album Everything Ecstatic proves to be an early curve ball in a set comprising mostly of older material, swinging and grating in glorious equal measure.

But this is all after the rich dusty post-rock bombast of Canadians Explosions In The Sky. Captivating, shoe-gazing intensity, at its best, their huge sound reaches into the concave arches of the historic surroundings. From sky-scraping rock shrapnel to ludicrous laptop lushness, a night of confusion and arousal, now there’s a funny mixture.

Greg Cochrane

took to the floor with her guitar and destroyed any illusion of her innocence with PJ Harvey-esque tales of debauchery with men. Heavy riffing, subtle plucking; a tender, sexy, bloodcurdlingly brilliant vocal combined with Todd Trainer of Shellac on drums was everything The White Stripes could have been and confirmed the brilliance of the evening. This gig was so good it made me want to swear.

Thomas Howard

PURE REASON REVOLUTION Barfly Monday 17th Oct PURE REASON Revolution had great support bands, Lycra sleep and ILiKETRAiNS, and by the time the headliners came on the crowd was suitably warmed up.

I had heard mixed reviews of this band live but Pure Reason Revolution were actually very good. They place a large emphasis on the importance of harmonies and the overall sound of the lead male and female singer combined was beautiful.

The mix of duelling guitars, the odd

violin (played with such ferocity that the bow was in tatters by the end) and one of those weird synthy keyboard things played with both power and passion worked very well.

Their sound is very hard to describe, sort of indie dance mixed with electrorock.

The new single The Intention Craft went down very well and the new minialbum Cautionary Tales for the Brave will be well worth investigating.

Laura Hinson

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

PHOTO: Tom Williams

40 Music

PURE REASON: They evolve but don’t revolve

AS GIG-GOERS wade through streams of cats and dogs to get to the sold-out Union, the same questions echo in the night’s stormy air.

Will Kele insult his fans? Will he slag off NME? Will the crowd pelt him with chocolate? The answers to these questions are as follows… no, no and yes.

They open with haunting tune So Here We Are, although Kele has a shaky start, and for the first time his voice sounds whiny. But you can’t deny the man his insane effort levels, throwing himself into each and every word as if it might be his last. As the audience get more involved, Kele’s vocals improve dramatically. They finish with a storming rendition of Helicopter, as the chocolate bars rain down.

Returning, the encore includes lat-

THE LOVES Howard Gardens Saturday 29th O ct FIRSTLY DARREN HAYMAN peddles his wares. Being an ex-member of Hefner (twee-electro-indiepopsters of recent years) his pedigree is sound but when he takes to the stage with the tiniest of guitars and an unsure inquisition in his face you have to wonder.

What follows is a half hour of gloriously hopeless romanticism.

The Loves are back with us after a long hiatus and have a largely new line-up. The music is still excellent, bounding, bluesy pop which is intertwined with musical robbery taking a leaf out of hiphop’s tendency to sample classic and obscure tracks yet make them their own (breaking new grounds in crossover work anyone?). Simon is a strong frontman, calling the shots whether it be demanding tambourine to his left or commanding the soundman to "put the intro music on, NOW." His manner and style offer a quality sadly lacking in many frontmen these days, and with great music behind him maybe this time they’ll hit the heights they deserve. Harold Shiel

Laura Davies

KELE: He doesn’t like chocolate

THE RESEARCH Barfly Tuesday 18th Oct THE RESEARCH don’t have any instruments, well not many: a Casio keyboard, cheap drums and a bass guitar, but they manage to make a highly satisfying surf-pop racket, all girl/boy harmonies, over excited melodies and rollicking choruses.

Also, at least two of their songs sound like potential classics, which is two more potential classics than most bands. Colm Loughlin

M u s i c 41 JAMES BLUNT Colston Hall, Bri stol Thursday 20th O ct WHILST JAMES BLUNT apologises to the men in the audience for having a voice like a ‘little girl,’ the crowd seem to be drawn to his ridiculously wide eyes and very genuine, witty and embracing presence.

His voice really is extraordinary.

He plays several songs which are not on his album, Back To Bedlam, including the particularly memorable I Really Want You and he ditches the guitar and his backing band to play the piano solo, for Goodbye my Lover and No Bravery.

During the latter, the presentation of war pictures on a large screen is particularly moving, given his experience in the army.

Although his music exploded into our lives over the summer, the intimacy of the venue makes you forget that commercialism. To all those music fascists out there, whose taste in music is too elite for the likes of Mr. Blunt, you are overlooking a true talent.

Rosie Powling

ORDINARY BOYS Great Hall Monday 17th Oct OPENING LOCALS The Automatic play catchy pop-punk numbers to an early gathering of well receivers, though despite squelchy bass and screamo backing-vocals they are only passable. In contrast Canadian threepiece Bedouin Soundclash are very impressive, their uplifting anthems complimenting, if not occasionally obscuring the Ordinary Boys’ more raucous take on British ska-punk.

More UB40 than NOFX, try resisting a smile and a gentle sidestep to gorgeous single When The Night Fills My Soul.

Taking the stage to a littering of soul, funk and dub, one wonders whether the Boys are setting their sights a bit high. But while they are no soul legends, this is a great show.

Preston is quite the charismatic rudeboy, winning the audience over and

ripping through a set with vigour and a genuine enthusiasm to "go fuckin’ mental". Though panned for their sometimes imitative (verging on downright ripping-off) approach to influences, their niche in the music scene is unquestionable. Along with other less pretentious indie bands like Hard-fi and Arctic Monkeys, laddish rock with collar-up Fred Perry and button-down Ralph Lauren is positively back.

Theirs are anthems for ordinary people: seaside weekends away, unforgettable nights and work on Monday. A swaggering show of defiance, self-belief and inclusiveness.

Finn Scott-Delany PHOTO: James Perou

BLOC PARTY Great Hall Monday 24th Oct

est single Two More Years, and a promising new song, they conclude with closing classic Pioneers. Not even the rain could dampen tonight’s highly applaudable proceedings.

THE AUTOMATIC: Top Gear

42 M u s i c

THE NATIONAL Lit Up

THE WHITE STRIPES The Denial Twist

Taken from one the most criminally under-appreciated albums of the year, Lit Up begins in typically brooding, lo-fi style before erupting into a joyous chorus that deserves to close indie discos the world over. 8/10 PB

The Denial Twist showcases The Stripes’ departure from the riff dramatics of old to a universally accessible sound. Unfortunately a trademark piece of Jack White distortion is the only thing that could lift this mediocre piece of melody above the bar. 5/10 TF

Snowstorm Records

RICHARD HAWLEY Coles Corner Mute

This lush, string-laden tale of young love is beautifully swept along

by Richard Hawley's magnificent, fragile vocal. In a parallel universe this little gem would be number one and we'd never have to endure James Blunt ever again. 9/10 PB

ARCADE FIRE Wake Up Rough Trade

As Win Butler preaches, a choir leaps in, the band strike up their own beautiful, sweeping orchestra and in those moments they sound like God’s personal backing band.

Heavenly. 9/10 TB

Playlist Troubling the Quench stereo this week... #4 The Stripes white out as The Strokes storm back

THE STROKES Juicebox Rough Trade

Rather than fanfares and a 21-gun salute, a driving 70s-Cop-showtheme-tune-style bass line heralds a the reappearance of these indie trailblazers. Julian’s voice sets off the rolling intro’ eloquently before dropping in and out of classics retroStrokes moments. 7/10 HS

XL

DANIEL POWTER Free Loop Warner

Beatles-style chords, piano plonking and electronica make Free Loop passable pop. But Powter needs to try much harder as his plodding melody and sixties-style middle eight have definitely been done before.

6/10 KL-D

WHITE ROSE MOVEMENT Alsatian Independiente

WRM have a simultaneously confusing and slightly rubbish moniker.

Their music sounds like King Adora covering The Killers backwards, but in a very good way. Sneering synth rock rocks. 9/10 AB

THE WEDDING PRESENT Ringway To Seatac Scopitones

The Wedding Present bring us Ringway To Seatac, a glorious union of Gedge's romantic past and his latter-day pursuit of lust a La Cinerama.

With dynamic guitarwork, a retro foottapping beat, and lively drumbeats, Ringway to Seatac is more than enough to dance to. 7/10 RO

THE ORGAN Memorize The City Noize

Fresh out of Canada (as, it seems, are every promising new band of the last year that aren’t called the ArcticKaiser-Future-Parties), The Organ’s guitars owe a great debt to Johnny Marr and Katie Stretch’s vocals VERY strongly recall those of Debbie Harry.

Still – a fine single. 7/10 JS

BUCK 65 Kennedy Killed The Hat Warner

Dirty bass line, sinister lyrics, and Richard Terfry’s distinctive growly vocal combine to produce an excellent hip-hop/electro-rock stomp that sounds like an overexcited Tom Waits who just learnt how to dance.

8/10 TH

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Beginners’ Guide

E FUGAZI

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

Emo purists the world over can rest assured that, without this album, the emo we know today would not exist.

Perfect indie-pop tunes, lyrics bordering on the bleak. Undeniably emotional, just don’t expect screaming.

Repeater

THE PROMISE RING Wood/Water

Far from the screaming and riffage of hardcore, The Promise Ring prove that emo can be the perfect hangover cure.

BACK SUNDAY me TAKING o Tell All Your Friends c e B found emblazoned ert Usually p x e across the tight tee of today’s an prototype emo-kid, Taking Back £50 Sunday h t i are a world away from w traditional emo, but a healthy progression.

BRIGHT EYES

JIMMY EAT WORLD

Lifted

Clarity

Jimmy Eat World mix emo with pop melodies and atmospheric strings, with life-affirming results.

5

Transatlantacism

The sound of emo reverberating off a backdrop of folk guitar. Oberst’s trademark aching vocal sets off these tales of woe.

mo as it is today could be described as hardcore’s weepy, introspective and floppy-fringed kid bro’. But it has not always been so.

Emerging from the underground hardcore scene of 80s DC the forefathers of emo, or emotional rock, combined the visceral intensity of hardcore with an ear for melody and a voice of conviction, resulting in a hugely emotive new genre.

Emo has exploded into mainstream awareness over the last few years, with its multitude of sub-genres (screamo/emo-core etc.) becoming buzz-words for a new generation of musos and media alike.

This has resulted in a diverse range of bands somewhat begrudgingly being herded into one big fluid category. However, this consequent diversity should be celebrated, fuelled as it is by a constantly evolving yet compelling genre. Jadine Wringe

FIVE ARE-LIVE ...

The top five gigs you’d be a numpty to miss...

When: Monday 14th November Who: Franz Ferdinand Where: Cardiff Int. Arena The world and his dog will be fighting over tickets for Franz’s first show in the city since they went astronomical with follow-up album You Could Have It So Much Better. Keep your loan handy if you’re out for the touts.

When: Monday 7th November Who: Alice Cooper/Twisted Sister Where: Cardiff Int. Arena The grand-father of rock returns.

Expect pyrotechnics, elaborate stage-

costume and a number of surprises from the king of on-stage flamboyancy.

Expect to have difficulty conceiving just how much older the rest of the crowd are than you.

When: Thursday 10th November Who: Dizzee Rascal Where: Solus Safe blood, thiz promizes to be raptastic. The jabbering master of modern British street hop B-boy styles is winging his way to a union near you.

In order to prepare you should definitely Fix Up and indeed, Look Sharp!

When: Saturday 12th November Who: Taste of Chaos: Funeral For a Friend, The Used, Rise Against Where: Cardiff Int. Arena One for the Metros crowd, expect an evening heavier than a crate of trolls.

When: Wednesday 16th November Who: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Where: Barfly Warning! there’s a high chance of people clapping their hands and saying ‘yeah’ quite loudly when 2006’s Arcade Fire come to town and douse us all in an indie waterfall.

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Arts

arts@gairrhydd.com

07 11 05

Comedy, art and, er, Barry from Eastenders created through ingenious use of props and the incredibly bendy company of performers.

What looks like a pretty average stage with a few bits and bobs dotted around is transformed, in the course of the production, into a giant ship, sailing through battering winds and sea. The voyage to get to that point is wonderfully surreal.

It sounds bizarre, and it is bizarre to watch. Bizarre, confounding and hugely, hugely enjoyable. If only everyone had such inspiring imagination.

Kim O’Connor

OLAF BREUNING CHAPTER ARTS CENTRE 10 SEPTEMBER 30 OCTOBER

KNIFE THROWING: Game on

RHOD GILBERT THE GLEE CLUB 26 OCTOBER

Welsh hilarity at its best

I

f you were watching BBC1 at 10pm on Wednesday 26 October you might have caught a programme on Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert.

If you happened to be out that night you might have caught his live show at the Glee Club in Cardiff Bay. Frankly, there was no avoiding him.

With a bounce in his step and a wad of rave reviews thick enough to keep his Mum in scrapbook material for a year, Gilbert returned to his (almost) home crowd on Wednesday with his first full-length one man show.

1984, after its award-winning, criticseducing Edinburgh Festival debut, is taking the British comedy scene by storm and the Glee Club crowd were not inclined to disagree.

His show is hilarious and determinedly Welsh, despite there being only a modest spattering of sheep jokes, but it is when he is ad-libbing that he shines. Roundly abusing his audience - from the drunk girl at the

front right up to, quite bizarrely, Danny from Hear’say - there wasn’t one person in the room not shaking with laughter.

With Welsh music, Welsh writers and now, in Rhod Gilbert, Welsh comedy storming the rest of the British Isles, the only thing Wales has left to do is grab its slippers, put its feet up and mouth to the neighbours “Why leave?” Kirsten Hinks

JAMES THIERREE

WALES MILLENIUM CENTRE 20-22 OCTOBER Outrageous theatrical shenanigans

M

agic is a rare commodity in contemporary theatre. Many productions strive to find that little bit of mystery, the something special that turns audiences into wide-eyed, astonished children. Most fail miserably.

James Thierree’s La Veillee Des Abysses is one of those rare productions that startles you with its sheer imagination. The show is a combination of dance, illusion, circus acrobatics and snippets of most other stage crafts.

A mysterious, other-worldly land is

Contemporary photographer let loose

O

laf Breuning openly confronts the ‘easy to read’ notion of photography and turns it on its head in his first UK show, They Live.

The exhibition, which was on display at Chapter Arts Centre, is made up of nine large scale prints, displaying a range of contemporary themes taken from advertising, television and film scenarios. Along with the prints are two sculptures and a film, Home.

The film is projected on two different screens, one showing bizarre scenarios and events, the other capturing an eccentric narrator to the action.

All of this combines to create a very strange and perplexing exhibition.

The photographs are visually impressive, full of dynamic scenes and colours but with so many complex layers it feels impossible to ever understand the artist’s intentions. Home is equally confusing, even disturbing, as some of the imagery is quite controversial and combined with a haunting narrative.

The imagery created by Breuning is unsettling and frustrating, at times inaccessible and obscure. They Live is definitely not conventional photography.

Sarah Day

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SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER: THE MUSICAL WALES MILLENIUM CENTRE 25 OCTOBER - 5 NOVEMBER

Disco mash-up

S

aturday Night Fever is a musical extravaganza. This energetic, rhythmic and passionate production had the audience infatuated from beginning to end. With some of the most talented young performers around and sensational choreography, this show is undoubtedly one of the best musical events of the year.

Set in 1976, Saturday Night Fever tells the story of a young, ambitious, streetwise teenager with a passion for dance and a determination to succeed. Tony Manero, a humble paintstore assistant by day, turns into the King of the dancefloor at night in the 2001 Odyssey nightclub. Every Saturday he pulls on his flares and hits the disco in an attempt to escape from the reality of his troubled life.

The play is full of drama, exploring the themes of friendship, love and rivalry, enhanced by the lively dance sequences and fantastic songs.

Sean Mulligan puts in an exceptional performance as the troubled teenager, Tony, with impressive acrobatic dance moves and credible acting. His rendition of the Bee Gees Night Fever was only just short of perfection. Rebecca Dent, who understandably won Channel 4’s Musicality competition, also gave an oustanding performance. A surprising appearance in this West End Musical came from Shaun Williamson, more readily known as Barry from Eastenders. His role of DJ Monty was comedic and entertaining and his acting and singing abilities did not let him down.

The production was truly amazing.

The collaboration of fast, stylistic routines combined with a disco environment, set on a professional stage, succeeded in creating a musical extravaganza. The show was fuelled with scintillating disco choreography and classic 70’s favourites which had the audience singing in ther seats and wanting more. It is certainly worth watching.

Rebecca Child

FEVER: Burn baby burn

COMEDY NIGHT THE SOCIAL EVERY SUNDAY

forming at The Social every Sunday at 8pm. A group this good shouldn’t be missed. Lucy Sutters

HARRY HOLLAND MARTIN TINNY GALLERY 19 OCTOBER 12 NOVEMBER

(Are you?) local comedy

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t’s funny the things a well-paced trip to the bathroom can do for a night out.

Last Sunday I was out with a couple of friends at The Social and a simple need to relieve myself led to the discovery of a comedy gig in the upstairs bar.

Cardiff-based group The Fourth Chair perform what can only be described as a unique kind of improvised sketch-show. A suggested word from the audience inspires on-the-spot jokes and banter, which the group develop into hilarious monologues.

With each new round, the scenes and ideas get more interlinked, creating a rich tapestry of jokes and connections that make for some of the cleverest comedy I’ve seen for a long time.

A monologue on "Christmas" gave us, among other things, a scene where a father explains to his seven year old son that the man who came into his room every Christmas Eve wasn’t Santa Claus, but a local paedophile he had cut a deal with in order to stop him from going after his other son "who I just love a little bit more than you".

Although I’ve seen barely any advertising for it, The Fourth Chair are per-

Classic painter from London in the heart of Cardiff

H

aving trained as an artist in London, Harry Holland moved to Cardiff in 1973. Since then he has mainly painted still life.

This exhibition of work from recent years is composed mainly of nudes, with the interesting addition of some urban landscapes - a departure from Holland’s usual subject matter.

The exhibition is all about atmosphere and texture. A particular aspect of the ambience of artificially lit urban spaces is captured using oils in a way not usually managed, even by photography.

The works are technically brilliant, although there is a plastic and almost flawless nature about them which leaves the viewer slightly uncomfortable.

Despite this artificial feeling, the poses of the models and physical texture of their bodies can be appreciated immediately. Partly because of the lack of distraction in the surroundings, but mainly due to Holland's skill, the figures appear to have an incredible presence. Andrew White

46 T e l e v i z z l e

Tu n n e l V ision

By TV Willy Enthusiasm Duly Curbed

O

k guys and dolls, a somewhat different Tunnel Vision this week. But I independently assessed your moods and grasped that you were ready for change.

Anyway, long story short, I went home last week for one of many 21st birthdays and was chatting to an old pal who’s doing English down in Kent.

I was telling her about my various interests in TV when she told me that one of her lecturers had issued instructions to her class to “not watch any television – it dumbs down the mind – if you have to, watch one or two programmes a week, no more”.

Or words to that effect.

Well excuuuuuse me! Dumbs the mind down? Whatever does she mean? The poor deluded fool. Ok, some telly might be a bit rubbish sometimes (see Kyle Show, The Jeremy) but there’s an awful lot of very, very good stuff on. So this, dear friends, is TV Willy’s five-step guide to why my pal’s lecturer has done a wrong in slandering the goggle-box; as Homer Jay Simpson aptly puts it, "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

1. The most popular programmes are more challenging than the most popular books.

Here we refer to Lost and Desperate Housewives, the most talked-about and avidly followed shows on TV (apart from the soaps, but that’s a different matter).

Compared to Harry Potter and Dan Brown’s canon of beach-fiction, the ABC hits make Ron Weasley look like Willy Shakespeare.

television@gairrhydd.com

2. Television, rather than film, theatre or books, is the definitive cultural space for works of comedy genius.

The combination of time restraints, the mix of the visual and the aural and a license for silliness mean that the genius of shows such as Curb Your Enthusiasm and Father Ted could never be matched in other media. Of course this isn’t to say that the others don’t have their merits (I do like books you know), but to dismiss television out of hand stinks of cultural ludditism. So ner!

3. The notion that watching television deadens one’s imagination is nothing but cultural snobbery.

I’d guess that programmes such as The Mighty Boosh and Green Wing take at least as much imagination as any surreal short story. Even the bloody soaps have to dispense ideas at an astonishing rate just to survive.

Presuming that one takes in these shows completely submissively is patronising at best. A lack of big words doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of quality – look at Charlie Chaplin.

07 11 05

4. The immense popularity of TV makes it the best tool for mass education.

Without the fusing effects of TV on the nation as a whole we’d have nothing to relate everyday life too. Scorn soaps if you will, but what will have made more people take HIV tests; Mark Fowler in Eastenders or Richard Brown in Michael Cunnigham’s brilliant novel The Hours?

5. Ahem…

Cracker, Shameless, Clocking Off, Wallace & Gromit, Hillsborough, The Sopranos, The West Wing, Six Feet Under, Brideshead Revisited, The Daily Show, The Apprentice, Wife Swap, Wildlife on One, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Black Books, The Office, Frasier, …. *Pause for breath* 24, ER, everything on More4 I haven’t already mentioned, Phoenix Nights, Full Circle, Twin Peaks, Yes Minister, Scrubs, Have I Got New For You?, QI, Countdown, A Touch of Frost, Inspector Morse, Arrested Development...

I could go on.

TELEVISION NOT WORTH WATCHING?: Tell that to this lot

A Tribute To...

07 11 05

Vinyl

Resting

with Bastian Springs

47

Place

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ow that the partying and booze-soaked nights out of Fresher’s Week are nothing but a distant memory, It’s time to knuckle down and think about SHIT TRIBUTE RECORDS. Shit tribute records are by default, worse than any other kind of record. FACT - a group of fuckers who have all somehow met through their love of one particularly dire band, and then decided to piss up the wall any music talent they may have garnered, is without question, worse than the dire band in question. Even if it is U2. There is a marked difference between tribute acts, and tribute records, let’s make that clear. One is a desecration of another bands career, the other is a desecrations of a persons legacy. Uhhgh. In other news, likely candidates for this week’s column, Arctic

By Bastian Springs deceased Monkeys: sorry, I’m spent as far as these low-rent britpap wank-handed chancers are concerned.

1982-2005 You cunts have made your bed by getting it to number one. Now fucking lie in it. Expect my “tribute” to the Arctic Monkeys’ lengthy musical career, in ooh... how about four weeks time?

Record #21 - U2Two - Stuck in a Moment That You Can’t Get Out Of Crime: “Even Better Than the Real Thing - The Tribute To U2”

T

hat’s right folks. The above statement proves that there are twice as many people in the world who want to sound like U2 than you already thought.

Last person to hang themselves is a rotten egg!

“Outstanding and superior in every department to other bands I have seen” gawps the quote on the advert currently before me. Presumably the gibbering, blithering frog-vomit

they’re quoting has never listened to any music in their entire life. Ever. Not even U2, evidently. So why he/she is held in high esteen by “U2Two” is frankly insane.

What? OK, so technically I’m breaking new ground here, by including a song I’ve never heard, and God protect me, never will. But do me a favour, a bunch of four smegma-dribbling penis-breathed presumably decreptic horsemen of

the crapocalypse impersonating the most happless, diabolical band in music history.

And oh yes- playing it worse? I don’t need to hear this!

The U2 wind-tunnel baseball-stadium receding-hairlinedestroyer anthem (is there any other type of U2 song?) I’ve singled out here, because it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, and how I want her face scythed off with five foot swing-blade, please.

U2: Cheese ‘Moment’

Record #22 - Various Arseholes - Ever Fallen in Love...

Crime: ...Or recorded a superflous, self-congratulatory tribute single you shouldn’t have?

A

Peel: Appropriate Reaction

nyone else noticed in the now 365 days-plus since legendary (for there is no other word) DJ John Peel passed away, the phrase “what he would have wanted” has been used a suspicious number of times?

Now I’m no more Derek Acorah than any of the other semi-professional media mediums who channeled the exact thoughts of the deceased. However, as the dreary news puffed out over the radio-waves like an underwhelming fart that Elton John was going to tinkle the ivories on a claptrap Buzzcocks

cover in honour of Peel, I suddenly became Uri Geller.

This.Is.Not.What.He.Would.Ha ve.Liked.In.The.Slightest.Full.

Fucking.Stop.

Seriously, have you heard this? How would you like it if one of your favourite songs of all time was turned into a mutated Band-Aid-20 fifteentongued muso-fied grunt-fest that’s two Sharleen Spiteri’s short of a Virgin Radio picnic.

Token “new music John would have loved” (ie - an indie band Scott Mills hasn’t heart of) band includes revolutionary XTC duplicates The Futureheads, who, fair play,

don’t sound half-bad amidst the hack-eyed guitar doodlings and the general mardigras sausage-fest littering what I’m sure once upon a time was a punk song. Dave Gilmour’s on there for God’s sake! John Peel has accidentally reunited sworn enemies punk and prog at last they’ve kissed and licked arse, and made up. Yeah, that’s just what he would have wanted.

Now then, all the proceeds from this are going to a worthy charity, and John Peel is a worthy man. Just for the love of his music and legacy don’t pretend you like this.

McFly’s version of Mr Brightside is infinitely superior to the Killers original, Discuss: bastian@gairrhydd.com

6 OTP

WARNING Not yet available in braille

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

T

Anti-Capitalism: McDonald’s uses big letters: let’s trash it…

heir demands are unequivocally clear. They want names spelt in lower case letters, graphemes of an equal size and caps-lock removed from all keyboards. I want a Billie Piper duvet… but I won’t get one, why should the anti-capitalist knobbers succeed?

What is so wrong with grapheme egalitarianism? In recent years the anti-capitalist movement has swelled in popularity like a big bag of wee.

The issue has been especially salient in the mind of the public following the recent lower case letter industrial dispute. Angered through their reduced status, many smaller letters refused to turn up on the page for a whole day, leaving many sentences utterly incomprehensible. With much of the law on an industrial sabbatical the judiciary were in disarray. Having buggered a swan, one defendant was acquitted when no one in the court could remember whether forced ornithological fornication was permitted.

Anti-capitalism is not a new phenomenon. One Wednesday morning in ancient Sparta, the Greeks prohibited the use of upper case lettering. By mid-afternoon the quality of life had risen immeasurably with many taking up Morris dancing and making hats.

However, by teatime the Spartans had all been exterminated when the lower case-spelt warning heralded a less

CAPITALIST: Dick

than disconcerting invasion of porcelain. The Spartans were mightily disgruntled to discover a Ming-led invasion of axe-wielding Chinese and even more vexed through their subsequent genocide all originating from the semantic equivalent of a diarrhoea blowback.

Downing Street has proposed new police powers to crack down on anticapitalist protesters. From next month West Mercia police will now be turning green and angry when confronted with anarchists, one inspector in Norfolk has been issued with Spider Intuition and Detectives at the London Metropolitan Police Force will now transform into a dog when their ears begin to itch.

“

the refusal by the Iranian Military Regime to pronounce ‘War on Terror’ with capital letters. To combat this portentous threat to our way of life, Prime Minister Blair has travelled to ‘Da Bungalow’ to persuade Dick and Dom to deduct some of Iran’s Bungalow Points.

Further troublesome shenanigans are a-brewing with different factions of the anti-capitalist movement going all paramilitary. A militant Merthyr Tydfilbased splinter group, vehemently opposed to acronyms and wooden

Genocide originating from the semantic equivalent of a diarrhoea blowback Some question the use of metamorphosing canines: “what about animal rights?” they bleat. “Balls to them”, said the Chief Inspector of the Metropolitan Police Sir Horatio Swelling. “What about animal lefts?

Last year saw a 40% decline in ambidextrous rattle snakes.”

Fears are growing in the West over the rise in popularity of anti-capitalism in the Middle East. Last month, Britain extradited an asylum seeker to anti-capitalist Iran after the offender dreamt about Mongolian capital Ulaanbaatar. The miscreant is certain to face an execution involving death.

And only last week, the Iranian minister for their weird-looking writing, controversially stated that caps-locks should be eradicated from the face of all keyboards. Education Secretary and Blairite crony Ruth Kelly has threatened to send a gaggle of geese to Tehran with upper case O’s on their feathery backs. The US government, currently embroiled in the embarrassment of Twat-gate, are concerned at

CAPITALS: Oppressive barred instruments, known as T.A.M.P.A.X. (Tydfil Army of Militia Perturbed by Acronyms and Xylophones), is currently wreaking havoc in the sordid world of Welsh birth control. The group recently claimed responsibility for the attack on the backstreet abortion clinic that had successfully operated in the Quench office for over a decade.

Aggrieved at the enlightening abbreviation of G.R.A.B.A.B.A.B. (gair rhydd Associative Body of Amateur Backstreet Abortionist Butchers), the militants knocked over waste paper baskets and left windows open. Over the last ten years the clinic had successfully culled over 4,000 erroneous embryos. Sexpert Dr Buccaneer Cavity now fears that the impending baby boom can only be halted through parents ending the practice of attaching grenades to their offspring.