Quench - Issue 35 by Cardiff Student Media

PLUS! EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEWS WITH THE KOOKS AND BRET ‘HITMAN’ HART

VOL. 3 35 ISSUE 7 2 FEB. 6 0 20

Q U E N C H JOHN MADDEN

WE HEAR FROM THE SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE DIRECTOR

BLIND DATE: PUBMATE

EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DATING GAME

NICK MCDONNELL NEW YORK’S LITERARY PRODIGY REVIEWED

MAXÏMO PARK > ARCTIC MONKEYS > WE ARE SCIENTISTS > MYSTERY JETS NME TOUR > THE GREAT HALL ALSO REVIEWED: MOGWAI > BELLE & SEBASTIAN LIVE > GOLDFRAPP LIVE > GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK > XBOX 360 > CAPOTE > SCARLET THOMAS’S POPCO > SYRIANA > HARVEY PEKAR’S THE QUITTER > CASANOVA > MORE MAXÏMO PARK’S PAUL SMITH PHOTOGRAPHED BY JAMES PEROU

WWW.GAIRRHYDD.COM

Contents CARDIFF UNIVERSITY

the gair rhydd magazine

04 06 07 08 10 12 14 18 22 24 26 32 38 42 44 45

Best Student Publication 2005

quench@gairrhydd.com

Best Student Magazine 2005

OTP: Newer than a baby’s bollock Mr Chuffy: Brit-eck-land Debate: Tesco inferno Interviews: Where the Hart is Fashion: So hip it’s delivered by ninja Blind Date: In honour of National Pub Week Travel: Mecheecoh! Features: Beard! Gay: My big fat civil partnership Reviews: This machine kills the NME Film: John Madden’s Monday Night rom-com Music: Fighting our gremlins Books: Far too young. No, not the Olsens Digital: XXX Rated (we’ve done this before) Arts: As good as Archie Gemmill Cult Classics: We are all on drugs... yeah

Editor Will Dean Executive editor Tom Wellingham Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan

Sub-editors Sam Coare, Catherine Gee, Chris White, Graeme Porteous Arts Kim O’Connor, Rebecca Child Blind Date Sarah Ahmad Books James Skinner Columnists John Widdop, TV Willy Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Helen Rathbone Digital Sam Curtis Fashion Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker Features Kerry Lynne-Doyle, Hannah Perry, Tom Howard, Helen Thompson Film Catherine Gee, Ryan Owen Food Sian Hughes Gay Fenar Muhammed-Ali Going Out Lisa O’Brien Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Andy Johnson Music Sam Coare, Harold Shiel, Greg Cochrane Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou Travel Bec Storey, Amy Harrison Contributors Chris White, Tom Brookes, Jack Bolter, Luke Sellers, Maura Bicknell, Ben Bryant, Will Hitchins, Chris Pickup, John Lott, Cat Grogan, Annabel Lee, Rich Ward, Karen Eeuwens, Si Truss, Ewen Hosie, William Young, James Rendell, Lindle Markwell, Perri Lewis, Samantha Morris, Mike Richards, Will Schmit, Harry Rose, Leanna Crookes, Emyr Price, Heather Casey. Proof readers Andrew Mickel, Jess Anderson, Chris Clear Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: Beard! Can you really overdose on Lemsip? Beard!

27 02 06

QED

he world is bonkers. The past month has seen the second (arguably first) most powerful man in the Western world shoot one of his best friends in the face because he thought he was a quail. The world is tearing itself apart over the publication of some shoddy cartoons in a Scandinavian newspaper which has a circulation just bigger than the population of Newport. Meanwhile, the news that more pictures of US abuse at Abu Ghraib have been released made it to about item eight on an Al-Jazeera bulletin. Good grief. Peter Oborne has also revealed that ‘sensational terror plots’ (© All tabloid hacks) like the one to ‘blow up Old Trafford’ were based on the fact that ticket stubs were found in one (innocent) Kurd’s house. What else? Well, the News of the Screws actually outdid its Mazher Mahmood Sheikery with the story that British troops are thugs who bully political prisoners too. My mate in the Engineers could have told you that three years ago. Everything is polarised for pathetic reasons. Can’t we just get along? The Daily Express somehow still exists (although with sales figures plummeting faster than you can say ‘bombers were sponging asylum seekers,’ this might not be the case for too long). This rag, owned by a noted pornographer with a foul mouth, is trying to market itself as an aspirational journal with ‘real values’. Give me a break. If ‘real values’ are selling antiquated scare stories to Little Englanders who are busy thriving on their own inadequacies then we live in a very sad little Kingdom. It’s not just the Di-ly Express and the rest of the gutter press, the BBC, ITV et al. have a lot to answer for. But they’re too busy trying to straddle the moral high horse to notice that they’ve become bad pastiches of The Day Today. With the genius of Private Eye, Chris Morris and The Daily Show it’s a sad, sad state when the only thing that makes any sense in this messed-up muddled-up pollution ball we live on is satire. Dear me.

4 One Trick Pony Granted, at first Engrish.com looks like shameful mocking of the use of English in Japanese culture, but with a bit of further study it turns out to be a great way to waste half an hour in a giggling fit. Advertising, packaging and clothing, mostly from Japan, often carry English references in a bit to give them some global 'cred'.This site displays pictures of the guilty parties from all over the country, favourites include

27 02 06

fairground attraction ‘Garaxy cruiser’, restaurant ‘Framingo’, the slogan ‘A good day nice to meat you!’ And re-named Brit sex-god "Jude Low". The highlight of the site has to be the Adult Engrish section of the website, where two T-shirt slogans compete for the top spot: ‘Spread Beaver - showing the vaginal area’ and ‘This child is my friend! Occasionally it also becomes emergency provisions.’

www.engrish.com

ENGRISH.COM: ‘Cos British people wouldn’t wear tops with Japanese text on.

Imagine manipulation: James Perou

webwatchatquenchdotcom BY HEATHER CASEY

Journalism students recieved an angry email last week after a group of monkeys armed with a video camera and a waterpistol attacked a civil servant in the park. The monkeys claimed to be making a student video for the journalism department. However, we smell a six-foot fancy dress rat and suspect the infamous Creation monkeys might be responsible. Know something? Email the crime squad at quench@ gairrhydd.com

(OVERRATED) KICKING THINGS: Our esteemed editor (only by himself) was taught this when, after his football team conceded last week, he drop-kicked his PC. The result was the front of said PC falling off, the on-switch breaking and two disc-drives not working. Stupid. Bloody. Idiot. The thing is, his team equalised after he broke it. Which might not make it so bad.

I.Q.

INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT what we know and what we’re not quite so sure about

JIFFY

!"XBOX 360 - Our digital ed. has found one and not slept for three weeks. !" THE F and giving A CUP - Back in Card th iff something e wee teams to play for. !"IRN-BRU - The nicest drink in the world - no matter how bad it is for you. As good as he !" KANYE WEST - all off to ’re we d an is thinks he watch him. Whee! !"SUNSHINE - The magnifying effect of our double glazing makes our office feel like Acapulco.

!"INTELLIGENT DESIGN - ‘Back in fashion on campus’ say the Guardian. We say: ‘Bore off morons.’ let’s all ITY - Or: fy it on S R A V " ! and justi get drunk f charity day. o is the bas

!"WINTER - We’re all still sleeping in socks.

!" STRIKES Do it in Septem Oi, lecturers. ber. degrees to try an We’ve got d pass. !"THE IT CROWD - It could have been so good. Shame.

FRUIT: After three years of eating the vile takeways and ensuring our skin has a constant layer of grease, we’ve finally realised that fruit is the way to go. Not veg, mind. No, not veg. Fruit’s like sweeties but sweeties that are good for you. Apples, yum! Raspberries, fab! Melons, wowzers! We can’t get enough fruit, so if any greengrocers want a good write-up...

IFFY (UNDERRATED)

We hoped our 800th edition would be the kind of thing that would get an issue of gair rhydd onto eBay. Unfortunately we are being bidded on for very different reasons. Offers start at one pound. Think how much that might be worth in ten years. Erm... it might also be worth pointing out that it’s illegal and a bit unethical to resell a free publication.

WELSHWORDS WWW OFTHEWEEK

do something useful whilst in Cardiff - learn the native tongue with Quench...

“ESGUSODA FI, DYNA FY NRAENOG” EXCUSE ME, THAT’S MY HEDGEHOG DEAR QUENCH... Furious about a review? Fancy pointing out one of our cock-ups? Even fancy praising us (not likely, I know). Write with your views to quench@gairrhydd.com and if it’s not libellous or too downright nasty, we’ll do our best to publish it in our shiny new One Trick Pony section. Or don’t. That’s fine too. If you want to contribute to Quench or our prestigious dust jacket gair rhydd pop up to the office or come to Quench meetings on Monday at 6pm on the fourth floor of the union. Will, Quench editor

“

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I made a mistake when I said there were no gas chambers at Auschwitz.” No shit David Irving - shame your admission came 15 years too late. At least you’ve got another three to think about what else you’ve got wrong.

www.gairrhydd.com

all this rubbish online

OTP

SAM COARE

Back in the black

t's funny how things work out. Just two weeks ago, TV Willy was kicking chairs across the office (despite his recent admission to the kicking on inanimate objects being overrated). gair rhydd towers were crumbling. Now, at a quarter to eleven on a Tuesday deadline, the mood is relaxed. I sit back with my Lemsip in hand, taking into account the increasingly erratic card-play of Geordie, suited and booted. "Big pile of fuck all," he gleams, rocking forward in his chair to throw down a meagre poker hand at best. Tongue in cheek insults are exchanged, culminating in TV Willy's "Your mother's got a penis," (A joke that, again by his own admission, was funny in 2000).

Suited and booted, he gleams, “Big pile of fuck all” A familiar but recently unseen face looks up. Shuffling forward anxiously, it’s time for the newly christened 'Mister Chip-Happy' to put his mouth where his money has so very loosely been. We all know he's won; his backward cap takes a good five years off his age and his newly formed boyish smile says it all. A few disgruntled voices bemoan his victory. What we can't pretend though, is that he didn't have the cards all along. "Well," he mutters, "I wouldn't want to go out on a whim." Indeed, Mr Wellingham, and welcome back.

the guest column the guest column the guest column the guest column the guest column

0, 19, 56, 48, 3, 13, 45, 69, 600, 75, THE350, MAGIC 3873, 412,NUMBER 7, 2, 35, 26, 475, 9, 3, Number of60, 15-16 33% - 3, 567, 3783, 34623, 7, 585, 38, girls who smoke 16, 4638, 97,year-old 11, 373, 789, 12, 59, 34

6 OTP

WARNING I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world; life in plastic, it’s fantastic. (PS It’s satire, moron)

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

Brace yourself and think of Queeny: Blighty's on the brink of social collapse

re you sitting comfortably? WELL STOP IT! Look busy; your nation is on the brink of disintegration. Britain, the land of hope and glory, the first nation to put a gay into space, the country that invented Africa and built the Great Wall of China, is about to socially implode. Why? Because you’ve been too busy reading Heat and trying on thongs in Primark. What’s wrong with the good old fashioned British Y-front? Empires were built upon their elasticity. Everyone in Britain is on the verge of death as the deadly H5N1 strand of avian flu sits patiently in a Calais waiting room for the 13:45 P&O ferry to Dover laden heavy with over 200 duty free Marlboro Lights and a crate of cheap plonk. An important Commons vote on whether to tell the virus to sod off was lost by one vote when the Prime Minster’s plane was grounded in South Africa for an emergency hysterectomy. The plane later took off sans uterus but Blair was too late, with the shock vote decision thought to have arisen from many MPs mistakenly believing the vote to be about mongoose measles. The minister for influenza, Botswana Thrush, has instructed anyone confronted with a bird to “Kill it. Kill it dead. Stamp on its neck. Rip its heart out. Especially if it’s a swan; I fucking hate swans.”

Google reveals Nick Griffin’s youth

In the unlikely event that we don’t all die from bird flu, only the loony right seem prepared to protect Britain from the influx of foreign fanatics diluting the very essence of Britishness. The latest British National Party leaflet features plans to protect the Aries race by deporting everyone and replacing the population with rams. The BNP however was thrown into turmoil when it was discovered that Party leader Nick Griffin was black. A leaked NHS assessment revealed that Griffin, real name Hakuna Matata suffers from a rare skin disorder where he looks white but is in fact as black as the night sky. Rumours were rife of Griffin’s Caribbean origins after he began playing reggae music and drinking Malibu during his hate rallies. Griffin, who is currently on trial for hid-

“

Griffin, currently on trial for hiding Kenya, denies being a Rastafarian ing Kenya, denies being a Rastafarian and claims that his matted hair is a well documented side-effect from his charity work with dead kittens. An attempt to stop all of Britain dying of Cancer through a proposed ban of smoking in public places appears to have backfired, with the tobacco industry introducing new edible cigarettes. Cheesy fags can now be served in all licensed premises with their consumption not covered by the Bill. It is thought that carbonmonoxide flatulence, linked to a 9.4% rise in colon cancer, can be even more dangerous to bystanders than passive smoking. Even our finest artists are depicting the collapse of Great Britland Islesness. In a recent exhibition at the Tate Modern entitled The Demise of Britain Through the Medium of Drawing, controversial artist Gaylord Romps did a load of pictures about

the demise of Britain. The centre piece of four-year-old Romps’ exhibition featured a sculpture called ‘Milton Keynes’ which contained a replication of the Magna Carta made out of faeces and mashed potato. Recently potty-trained Romps, who won last year’s Turner prize with his satire of recidivism Happy Slap-JailRape, told Newsnight Review, whilst being breast fed by a lactating Paxman, that “feudalism was like dressing up as your father so that you could fellate your younger brother”. If art imitates life then music meets it in an abandoned car park for a spot of dogging. Mayhem spewed from the guts of disputation at last week’s Brit Awards following a controversial performance by cartoon rock band ‘Gorillaz’. The band was joined on their illustrated stage by an animated sketch of the great prophet Mohammad. The Arab prophet, and legendary MC, rapped unrelentingly about the honeys and how you should be nice and stuff to the people and camels of the Middle East. Muslim scholars are debating whether the sacred scripture of Islam permits the prophet to join the cartoon rock band. Religious unrest again spilled onto the streets as angry mobs of Christians clashed with police after the Pope prohibited the second incarnation of Christ from joining the Carpenters. Since the 1983 death of Karen Carpenter the band had been searching for a new leadvocalist and believed they had found one in the former crucified tablemaker. Even our towns are becoming deviant with daily tabloid reports claiming that a North West town in England has been having sexual relations with an Essex girl called Chantelle. How can we halt this unstoppable demise into anarchy? Well we can’t. People experts say that if you don’t die from bird flu, smoking or rampaging religions then you’re bleeding fortunate.

Debate

debate@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

A danger to the underdog, or an essential part of student life?

For

Against

Helen Rathbone

Cat Grogan and Annabel Lee

veryone knows that students love the realms of the alternative, whether it be skateboarding behind the union dressed as a shark, hanging on to the rear end of a car or obscure body piercing. But is applying this philosophy to family-run but overpriced corner shops taking it too far? A brand spanking new Tesco Express has landed itself in the Cathays area and posed the ultimate dilemma to us as we live almost equidistant between the company and the afore-mentioned institution of the family-owned corner shop. It is a classic David and Goliath conflict for the consumer-conscious student. In making what seems like the most important consumer decision of our lives (apart from the heart-breaking plight of HyperValue versus PoundStetcher) Tesco seems to have won the battle. Firstly the need for convenience, but with greater choice, such as a wider range of fresh appetising fruit and veg than can be provided by the ever-reliable corner shop, is present within the student community, especially following recent global concern for a healthier diet. Being a corporate grocery giant, the unconquerable company is clearly able to sell some of its products at a lower price than your Average Joe corner shop. As penniless waifs of students, will we be able to resist the enticement of more cheaply priced booze and beans? A bit of healthy competition could encourage the ageold institution of the corner shop to get off its ass and work harder to keep its customers, namely by lowering the prices of its products. You know exactly what you’re getting with your old faithful friend Tesco and even more so what you want. In fact, Tescoisation has become so prevalent in Britain that most of us could shop there blindfolded. In what seems like a cold, endless Cardiff winter, the bright lights and warmth of Tesco Express will provide a culinary haven for any hungry, windswept student. Though summer seems a long way off, you know that you will linger in the fully air-conditioned Tesco whilst relief from the heat and the promise of un-melted chocolate is only a flicker in the eye of the sweaty corner shop. Once the attention around Tesco Express has died down, like the new kid at school, it could well establish itself as an accepted resident of Salisbury Road. When all is said and done, are your moral concerns for the plight of the underdog going to hold you back when there’s a buy-one-get-one-free offer on Ben & Jerry’s?

s it just me or has anyone else noticed that Tesco seems to be taking over the world? Slowly but surely they are sprouting their stores at every corner, uprooting and replacing anything that stands in their path, making it increasingly impossible to retain any kind of character in our community. Of course a cheap loaf of bread and a value pack of bog roll never goes unappreciated, as I’m sure you fellow student-types would agree, but the pros of saving a few pennies have to be weighed up with the inevitable cons. As a franchise, Tesco has more than 2,316 stores in 13 countries, from Poland to South Korea, and rakes in a whopping £2bn pre-tax profit per year. With each increase in the amount of Tesco stores comes a decrease in sales for the smaller companies struggling to maintain their businesses, unable to compete with the prices that such a successful store can offer. Too often we will sacrifice buying more interesting products, in return for saving a few pounds here and there. Yet if you step out of routine and bother to open your eyes and wallets you’ll see many more shops, particularly in the Roath area, which can offer much more than any bland commercial store could ever do. Like a bully in a school playground, Tesco overpowers smaller stores and forces them into retreat. It’s no exaggeration to say that before too long Cardiff will be made up of letting agencies and Tesco stores alone, and what a dull and lifeless place that would be. If only the walls of the new Salisbury road Tesco could speak, no longer do they bear witness to kinky sex swings and S&M, but are forced to wile away the hours watching tins of baked beans make polite conversation with their fellow compatriates, Mr and Mrs I-taste-of-nothing Tesco Value soup. If it is the cheap prices that draws you to Tesco, and surely it can’t be much else, then you may like to know that if you keep shopping there then there will eventually be no other stores for them to compete against. This may not seem like such a bad thing, yet with no competition to rally against, they will eventually be able to change their prices and quality of products from cheap and high to expensive and low. And by this point you’ll have no other aisles to walk down, unless wedding bells are on the cards?

Interviews

interviews@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

Kookie monsters

Luke Sellers meets Kooks front-chap Luke Pritchard to talk stage school, drug dealing and blowing his millons on a fort on the Solent THE KOOKS: Alley-cats

tage school, major labels and drug-selling schemes to fund the purchase of a fort in the Solent. Another cliché ridden pop interview then. Hang on, what was that about the fort? Welcome to the passionate, and candid thoughts of Kooks frontman Luke Pritchard. Despite being somewhat disheveled following an incessant conveyer belt of interviews the singer is both engaging and opinionated. The band formed at stage school just over two years ago, an experience that proved both positive and negative. “I went there to play music and not have someone tell me what to do, but you get people telling you shit about how to do your music,” explains the singer. Despite being a source of frustration it was the need to get away from this restrictive environment that brought the band together. “Turning against all that is at the heart of the band,” he confides. Signed almost instantaneously to Virgin, do the Kooks have any reservations about having signed so soon? “I think we did sign too soon, it caused

pressures,” muses Luke. “It worked out for the best though, as we wouldn’t have been able to go touring for two years.” How about the stigma attached to signing for a major label? “If you asked us two years ago if we’d sign to a major label I’d have told you to fuck off!” The decision has subsequently proven a good one, “they gave us complete creative control and told us ‘go

“

We want to do the whole rock ‘n’ roll circus thing, it just costs a lot of money Luke Pritchard on splashing his cash do it your way and we’ll promote it for you’”, he enthuses. The Kooks are one of a number of exciting young bands to emerge from the south-east in recent times. However compared to the intense rivalries that defined Britain’s upcoming bands in the mid-90s, the spirit of this new generation is one of mutual respect. “You can still be competitive, when a good band are supporting, you

pick up your game, like when we first played with Larrikin Love.” In fact, such is the camaraderie between the bands that Luke has plans to collaborate with Larrikin Love on an upcoming blues EP. But that’s not the end to the plans: “We want to do the whole rock and roll circus thing it just costs a lot of money. You can buy a fort on the Solent for £7m, if I was a multi-millionaire I’d buy one and put in a stage and a recording studio.” “A lot of our mates are artists, so to have somewhere to congregate would be fucking great.” Like a modern day hippy commune? “Angry hippies, let’s go take amphetamines and ‘make art’,” he jokes. “Maybe we could start dealing to make the £7m.” Perhaps you could supply the impressionable fans at your shows? “Chill out, I’m not Pete Doherty!” Exclaims Luke, horrified. Back to reality and Pritchard has a simple mission statement for his band: “We want to have fun and make music people like.” If the current sellout tour is anything to go on they are already achieving both.

Interviews 9

Beating Hart baby Oliver Crocombe talks illness, retirement, and his new DVD with WWE legend Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart

Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart: Professional wrestler in a pink suit

hen you think of professional wrestling what do you see? A balding, overly tanned American, tearing his yellow vest off like an infant during a particularly strong sugar rush? Or do you see the image of an overweight pensioner, trying to look menacing in a young girl’s gym slip? Either way, this is arguably the vast majority’s preconception of the grapplegame. Yet every coin has two sides. So who was the antidote in a world of plodding, muscle bound cartoon characters? Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart. With his pink and black tights, believable physique, and athletic in-ring style, ‘The Hitman’ travelled from Canada’s Stampede Wrestling, to the WWE (formally the WWF) to capture the Tag Team, Intercontinental and World Heavyweight Titles. In 1997 Hart was unceremoniously robbed of his his fifth Heavyweight title on live television. A true life double cross, masterminded by WWE owner Vince McMahon, saw a sorrowful end-

ing to a glittering 14 year career, and a lucrative relocation to feared rivals, WCW.

“

I made a promise... that I would never set foot in a WWE ring again, regardless of the money

Hart’s pledge on his retirement

Tragedy would befall the Hart Family in May 1999, when Bret’s brother Owen sadly died during a failed stunt on a televised WWE event. A severe concussion inflicted during a match would force ‘The Hitman’ into retirement in October 2000, and June 2002 witnessed Hart face his toughest battle yet, the recovery from a major stroke. So it was with great shock that Hart

announced he would be co-producing a career spanning, 3 disc DVD with the WWE. Entitled ‘Bret Hitman Hart: The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be, the DVD is a must for any die-hard ‘Hitman’ fans or those curious to relive memories from yesteryear. With this being the first collaboration in over eight years between Hart and the WWE, I had to ask would we be seeing more of the same in the coming months? ‘I made a promise to myself that night in Montreal (the sight of the infamous double-cross) that I would never set foot in a WWE ring again, regardless of the money or the role that was offered to me in the company. That night they sabotaged a true hero’. So, does that mean Hart would turn down a prestigious spot in the WWE Hall Of Fame, an honour that would have surely arrived by now, if not for the controversial incident. ‘Well firstly I believe I deserve an apology, they (WWE) never came out and said sorry for what they did to me, but it (the Hall Of Fame) is something I would like to be part of, I would love to do it for all my fans.’ With 18 full matches and a two-hour interview (trimmed down from a massive eight hours) the DVD is extremely generous to say the least, but are any of Bret’s favourite matches missing in hindsight? ‘The DVD could easily have been a four disc collection, I would have liked to have included my match against The Undertaker from Summerslam ‘97, and what I personally believe to be the greatest match ever, Shawn Michaels and myself at Wrestlemania 12, but that just wasn’t feasible (the match went for over 60mins). I just really hope the fans are happy with it.’ The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be? Absolutely.

Fashion

fashion@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

If you don’t like it, wait a minute... In the back seat of a Ferrari, Clare Hooker investigates the speed at which fashion is currently travelling

am an absolute lover of shopping: I’ll go to Burger King if Topshop is involved somewhere along the way. Everybody knows not to ask such a stupid question as to what I am doing this Saturday afternoon, and possibly Wednesday too. Despite what the boys say, It’s really not just for an excuse to get me out of watching the afternoon rugby games but the acceleration of fashions reaching the rails that is my justification. You need to be there, like a hawk, not blinking, or you’ll miss it. When you see it, you gotta have it. This explains the all arms-and-elbows style of shopping one is subjected to in Primark on a ‘quiet’ Tuesday morning as you convince yourself that you need that top for tonight. After all, it’ll be out of fashion next week. The fashion industry is thriving on this out-of-control speediness that produces a flurrying whirlwind, looping array of trends to the high street. Winter 2005 saw Victoriana, Russian Folklore, English Baker Boy, Military, Monochrome, Tailoring. At least there

is choice, but how does one decide; a typical student budget will only stretch to a couple of key pieces per semester, not per week. Tom Ford, former designer for Gucci, is on the student’s side to slow this all down. Take it out of the Ferrari and put it back into a three wheeler; petrol is expensive and so are new wardrobes. He attacked the fashion industry saying that the rapid introduction of new trends is leaving consumers confused and putting them off buying clothes.

I wouldn’t say the latter is so true, Mr Ford, because I just love shopping, confused or not. Updating your wardrobe is fun and so is changing your image. The point is however, that currently, change occurs more frequently than a guinea pig pees

rather than every now and again. The fashion industry defends itself saying fashion thrives on change; its energy and novelty is what keeps everyone on their toes. It may be easier to follow Ford’s potentially good advice to opt out altogether in just a nice pair of jeans but even that isn’t so easy nowadays. For many of us, need just isn’t a matter where want is concerned; you have bootleg, straightleg, twisted in vintage, stonewash and charcoal, unbagged and not knee-worn but you want skinny. The shops have it all sewn up, in store and economically. Technology companies do the same to our bank balances as clothes stores. Playing games on your Nokia is so year 2000, welcome PSPs into your denims along with your MP3 which will only be loved if it is the latest iPod. Fashion is a fickle world and so are its true followers. Even the charitable wristband ended up under the back seat and ran out of fuel. Your military jackets may just make it into Spring but the buttons may need to be changed to make it less military. In so many words does this mean the cool will buy a new jacket?

Fast fashion has turned us into a nation of smart savvy shoppers ever seeking great fashion at bargain prices. Hence the rise and rise of Primark, George at ASDA and Cherokee at Tesco. No longer pikey, but genius. It doesn't matter if the buttons are wrong tomorrow, and it means I can keep on shopping. Primark doesn't sell anything over seventeen pounds which makes Topshop look expensive. Stella McCartney was quick to see the benefits in designing for highstreet names Adidas and H&M, where her range sold out within a few hours. Bound to have been a few black eyes and broken noses there. The stupidity to shopping aside, what is important is that fashion is about you; your needs for change and tastes. Elements of wardrobes remain constant such as jeans and a tee. The little black dress is a second great example. Predictably reworked last year to be back in the shops in time for Christmas. The never-fail LBD was in fact first popularised by Chanel in the twenties and like no other item, it has withstood the transient business. Without sounding like Trinny or Susannah, the style and shape of clothes should be what suits you most. Without choices there would be no fashion industry but disasters are the result of little haste. Follow fashion; don't chase. Treat it like a yappy dog, for it will bite. If you don't like a style, the advice is 'just wait a minute'. Take last year as a lesson. Low waist, high waist, flats to killer stacks, oversized, supersized, rigid lines, soft curves. The fashion-conscious will know these aren't body figure descriptions but like bags and shoes, diet fads change as frequently as Atkins, Weightwatchers, to GI, oh my. Now I'm confused; anyone just feel like getting naked and being a lot richer?

Fashion

Fashion Predictions Spring/Summer 2006 r

hi S e

ss e r tD

FOR

Puff sleeves

GIR THE

Chunky heels

ts o D a Polk

Bows

Trench Coats

FOR TH

E BOYS

Braces Skinny trousers

Charm Bracelets

hic c y bo Cow Pastels

Blind Date

27 02 06

blinddate@gair-

ns for r u t e R e at Miss e l t Streetm t i L ‘ . . s Day. ’ e n i t n e team e t a Val m t e e the Str d n a ’ thays a Cupid C f o s he pub t o t e k ta for...

‘Little Miss Cupid’ dusts off her golden bow to find ‘our Amy’ the Pubmate of her dreams...

Lets get looking...

AMY... SECOND YEAR LAW

4 3 s Amy tells me what she d fin we l wil ... for looking it tonight?

Oops… security don’t look impressed

Think we’ve scared this one…

The team take a break from matchmaking and enjoy some liquid refreshment…

, Gin and tonic in hand nco ’ pid Cu ss Mi ‘Little tinues the quest for love...

PHOTOS: Luke Pavey

Blind Date 13

ATE

PUBM The golden bow has struck once again...

Err... I don’t thin k this happy chappy wa nts to play the game...

8 9

d but ‘I’ve got a girlfrien my th wi t she can go ou friend’ Having exhauste d the male selectio n in Gassy Jacks we move to the Woodville…

Er...I think we’ll move on thanks mate!

How about him?

SO HOW DID THEY GET ON... AMY: ‘I thought he was very well dressed and quite good looking, a nice guy but not really my type’

RYAN

RYAN: ‘She was a very pretty girl, I enjoyed the evening and hope we can meet up again’ Did they swap numbers... AMY: ‘He asked for my number and I didn’t say no... but I don’t think we’ll be going on another date’

The date @

Just good friends...

Travel

travel@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

from about 50 different varieties, all with different flavour. Milk, dark, cinnamon, vanilla, they have it all and it’s very tasty. Just outside the city, an easy bus journey away lies Monte Alban, the famous Zapotec ruins on top of a mountain from which there are amazing 360 degree views extending for miles. Oaxaca is an excellent example of the Mexican hospitality that the bigger metropolis inevitably lacks. If adventure holidays are more to your liking then Tom Howard uncovers the Chihuahua, in the hidden treasures of Mexico The city of Guanajuato North West of Mexico, provides easy access to the as far as panish-speaking, home of Barranca Del Cobre Guatemala and chocolate and vanilla, the (Copper Canyon) in contains two enorbiggest city known to man, real which you can mous pyramids cowboys, excellent moustaches, hike, bike and (Sol and Luna, Sun ruins, enchiladas, beaches, fiestas, horse ride, in and Moon). adventure, a turbulent history and and around Spectacular indeed, fine museums make Mexico one of the it makes for an excelthe most diverse and exciting places Monte Alban canyons. lent daytrip and a break in the world to visit. This web of from the city. If city crawling is your desire then 20 canyons, Go to Guanajuato and you discover Mexico City, with a population of 18 when coma beautiful, cobbled, colonial city with Puerto Escondido million, is the biggest on the planet bined, is four a relaxed atmosphere, a university and the best possible starting point. times larger than the and museums dedicated to legendary It’s home to spectacular architecture, Grand Canyon. Here too is the Copper revolutionary Hidalgo who began his national icons Frida Kahlo and Diego crusade to defeat the Spaniards here. Canyon Railway; amongst the world’s Rivera, Leon Trotsky in exile, musemost scenic train rides, it winds It is also Diego Rivera’s birthplace ums, art galleries, history, culture, polthrough the Canyons for 15 hours and itics, street food and the centre of the and his childhood home is on show. is spectacular indeed. The bizarre Museum of the ancient Aztec universe. The hustle Roughly an hour east are the more Mummies holds over 100 corpses, on and bustle keeps you on your toes intimate beaches of San Agustinillo, show because of interesting poses and it is the kind of city that you can Mazunte and Zipolite, all and stringent graveyard overpopulaspend days wandering around passtunning and with a rustic tion policies. It’s quite weird but sively soaking up the atmosphere. interesting in a macabre way, and Poverty and crime are apparent, making Mexico City the best, or worst, is a good example of Mexico’s peculiar obsession with death. example in Mexico of the divide TRANSPORT... A vibrant market and a small between rich and poor. Getting around pretty centre of the city named ‘Le An hour outside the city are the Mexico is really easy Jardin’ surrounded by nice restauTeotihuacan ruins. These are all that with the country’s rants all combine to make this colourremains of an ancient fantastic public transport. ful city a definite highlight. civilization (the Buses are reliable and cheap. A vital culinary extravaganza is biggest in Mexico) They are also air-conditioned Oaxaca: a lovely, small, easy city with that once stretched and have televisions on board. a thriving art scene and galleries, plus The Metro in Mexico City is and churches to satisfy also really reliable. ZIHUATANEJO... museums ones cultural urges. Not just painting is a fantastic beach charm. Sunbathing, dining and relaxeither; photography and graphic on the Pacific coast, ing are the only things really on the design are also here to boot. famous for being Tim agenda, but for a break from the The food here is excellent; tacos Robbins’s final destination in The beach there is a thriving turtle sanctuoff the street or a market where an Shawshank Redemption. ary in Mazunte. enormous bowl of mango yoghurt, Mexico is vast and it would take fruit and cereal is difficult to beat. TOP SURFING TIP… Puerto Escondido is the place several months to uncover most of Oaxaca holds a tantalising reputation to head for great surfing and country’s hidden treasures. for excellent hot chocolate and there the notorious ‘Mexican are special chocolate shops dedicatPipeline’. ed to the art where you can choose

a v Vi ico x e M

t Don’ ! Miss

Cornwall Cornish Coastline

By Rich Ward and Bec Storey

Travel

There’s

NO Place

Like HOME

If you fancy being as far west as place with hundreds of clubs and you can go in England, why not head pubs enabling some awesome nights for Land’s End and sample some of out. Sunnyside, the budget-accommothe wonderfully rugged Cornish ornwall is one of the most icon- dation favourite among young holidayscenery. Bodmin Moor is another legmakers, runs bus services into town ic counties of England, famed endary location and the hills around regularly and taxis are pretty cheap for its fine surf, beaches and like Rough Tor and Brown Willy, both even at 4am. pasties. But where exactly are the over 400m high, provide some great The town by day is pretty tacky and best places to visit? hiking opportunities and an awesome commercialised (Poundstretchers Newquay is the capital of UK surfvantage point from which to spot any galore), so if you are ing. It has been the venue Bodmin beasties. after something a bit for various world-class surfThe Eden Project at St. Austell is more low-key, but you ing events and Fistral one of the more well-known attracstill want to get some beach is the place to be to tions. This giant greenhouse is a great surf, why not try catch all the action. great place to visit on those all-tooPolzeath and The beach gets absolutecommon rainy days. Widemouth Bay to the ly packed so get there early For a more relaxing experience of north? to grab a spot on one of Cornwall head to St. Ives on the north Polzeath is a lovely the premium bits of sand. Eden Project coast. This little fishing village is a little village near the In between sets you can mass of narrow cobbled streets, chic town of Padstow, which has good surf check out skateboarding and quad and a beautiful sandy beach. Although coffe shops and an art gallery at biking at the back of the beach. every turn. the village is small, the amenities are The town itself is a really vibrant There are numerous beaches scatgreat. With a west-facing bay, the tered along the coastline but surf’s often excellent and there are a Porthmeor is the most popular and is number of surf schools that operate where all the surfing from the beach, as well happens, with plenty of as several hire shacks. schools for beginners. If surfing is not your The St. Ives Tate thing there are some looks over the beach beautiful coastal walks and has one of the leading to a wonderful This week: Travel picks the best views of any UK expanse of sand at best Cornish Websites gallery. With constantlyDaymer Bay to the changing exibitions south. 1. www.edenproject.com throughout the year it is In Polzeath at night 2. www.go-cornwall.com a must see on any trip. the beach is frequent3. www.minack.com One of the hidden ed by all the young res4. www.stives-cornwall.co.uk Minack Theatre gems of Cornwall is the idents and there is a 5. www.tate.org.uk 6. www.newquay.org.uk Minack Theatre near Porthcorno. This really good atmosphere. People also 7. www.surf-school.com outdoor theatre is built into the rock flock to the Oystercatcher pub on the 8. www.cornwall-online.co.uk face and has the most breath taking hill made famous by patrons as regal 9. www.cornwalllight.co.uk view out to sea. It is open all year as Princes Harry and William – but 10. www.polzeath.co.uk round for tours in the day and producroyals aside it also does some delitions are held May to September. cious sandwiches and has great sea any suggestions? email us views. travel@gairrhydd.com

BACKPACKER

Australia

16 T r a v e l

Welcome to ‘Backpacker’. Each fortnight we provide an insight into top backpacking destinations. Every issue we will let you know which location will be featured in the next edition of Quench. Travel needs you to text/email any tips you have for the next destination. It could be anything from the best campsite, the best place to visit, or which bus takes you to the most beautiful beach.

beach and bohemian holiday vibe. If ou can’t beat Australia for a you want a unique experience I would first-time backpacking destination. With its abundance of hos- recommend staying in the Arts Factory Lodge. Here you can sleep in a tels and warm culture, exploring this teepee, a ‘nunnery’ or – if cash is vast and diverse country is safe and tight or you want to feel like a real easy, whether you plan to travel with hippy – a tent. A walk up to the lightfriends or on your own. house at dawn is another must. After These days it is possible to find cheap round-the-world flights for as lit- watching a spectacular sunrise you might be lucky tle as £700 (www.travelnation.co.uk), AUSTRALIA: Worth enough to spot making it cost-effective to comdropping in some dolphins as bine a trip Down Under with you clamber down the stopovers in Thailand, Hong rocks onto the beach. Kong, New Zealand, or even Before embarking Hawaii. If you want the flexibility on your journey, I of travelling alone, without the would also advise fear of feeling completely isolatdoing some research ed, you may consider booking about any festivals or your trip through an organisation events that may coinlike BUNAC. Open to travellers cide with your trip. aged 18-30, BUNAC has group These are ideal opporflights departing monthly and tunities to experience provides in-country support when Australian culture firstyou reach your destination. They will even take care of your working-hol- hand. I arrived in Byron Bay at the beginning of May, just in time for the iday visa (valid for one year), which Mardi Gras Festival in neighbouring allows you to work in any single Nimbin, and was treated to the surreemployment for up to three months (a al sight of an enormous joint being great way of experiencing true Aussie carried down the street by hoards of culture, while topping up your funds). Once you have arrived in Australia a people dressed as giant marijuana leaves. continent full of new experiences awaits. Many people limit their trip to the East Coast, eager to visit the wellknown destinations of Fraser Island, the Whitsundays and the Great Barrier Reef. Travelling between Sydney and Cairns could not be easier, especially if you invest in a Greyhound bus pass, which allows you to hop-on and hopoff as you please. If you decide to take this route, be sure to stop at smaller, lesser-known places like the Town of 1770, as well as the main tourist haunts. I enjoyed a fantastic two nights in 1770, in a hostel called Cool Bananas. Here I met some of the friendliest people of my entire seven-month trip, walked along rugged beaches without seeing another soul for miles and chatted around a campfire late into the evening, sharing adventures with strangers I felt like I had known for years. The town of Byron Bay is also not to be missed, with its pristine sandy

SYDNEY: Olympic Of course, there is far more to Australia than the East Coast and, if you are staying for several months like I did, you will almost certainly want to travel further afield. From the barren landscapes of the Red Centre to the plush eucalyptus forests along the Great Ocean Road to the cosmopolitan streets of Sydney’s city centre, boredom is simply not an option. So, whether you plan to take up skydiving or work on a ranch, why not head to Australia and make it the trip of a lifetime? Karen Eeuwens

Useful websites

www.greyhound.com.au www.bunac.org/uk www.australia.com

Going Out

goingout@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

Going Out of Cardiff

...Bristol

o, an evening out in Bristol? Well there’s always the bigger chain-owned clubs and bars that appear in every UK city, you know the ones; Evolution, Walkabout and more Wetherspoons than you could possibly ask for. As with most cities though, the true heart of Bristol’s nightlife is in its smaller bars, pubs and club nights.

The legendary Thekla So where to start? Just around the corner from the personality void that is the newly-opened superclub Oceana, on the city centre’s waterfront, the bars of media centre The Watershed or the recently renovated Arnolfini are good options. While both places have an impressive range of drinks and serve good food they could possibly be a slight shock to the student budget. A cheaper option is the King William Pub aka the King Bill. Situated on the edge of the elegant Queen’s Square just off of the centre, this is one of the city’s oldest pubs. A good place for cheap, tasty food and beer, quality pool tables and a homely interior, just as long as you’re not too bothered about the fact it looks like it may fall down at any second. Away from the city’s main hub, in Clifton, Bristol’s most upmarket and overpriced area, the Mall and the Coronation Tap are great places; the

latter is worth a visit if only for its infamously lethal exhibition cider. Other areas such as Whiteladies and Gloucester Road as well as Park Street are all littered with varyingly decent bars. As for making a proper night of it, a personal favourite club of mine has got to be the Thekla. A dark dirty dive of a club made 100% better by the fact that it’s situated in the bowels of an old merchant boat moored up in the Grove area (next door to the mud dock). Here look out for Rukus, Square One or Drive By for some homegrown Bristolian drum and bass. Also a brilliant place to catch a band. Another, slightly lesser known club near the centre (just along from Walkabout) is Arc Bar. With its low ceilings and dark lighting it can make for some classic nights out dancing to the less commercial end of house, hip-hop and drum and bass music. Plus entrance is usually cheap. If you’re feeling in the mood for something a little more along the rock/indie road then Wednesday night at Propaganda (on Park Row) is cheap and popular with students. Its sister club Ramshackle at the Academy is a

Zider here we come little less alternative (think mostly Kaiser Chiefs/Killers etc) but still caters for a fun night out. For live music the Carling Academy normally has a decent line-up of bigger bands, its main downfall being that the beer tastes like crap and is often ridiculously overpriced. The Fleece and the Louisiana are great smaller venues hosting a mix of tribute bands and up and coming bands, tipped to be the next big thing. The Croft, in Stokes Croft, is a great venue for local and touring bands too. Pretty much every place mentioned above is an easy walk or bus ride from Temple Meads train station, and trains to and from Cardiff take approximately 40 minutes and run fairly regularly. Si Truss

BRISTOL CARLING ACADEMY: Beware the queues

Features

features@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

Hear You Me

Charlotte Howells meets one of many deaf students to find out how difficult it is to be hard of hearing and studying at university

he T-shirt slogan ‘I’m not deaf, I’m just ignoring you,’ hits a nerve with final year student Victoria as, unfortunately for her, the opposite is true. Complications at birth left Victoria with permanent hearing loss in both ears. Now at university, she has to learn to cope with difficulties that arise daily as a result of her hearing. “I don’t wear hearing aids as I don’t find that they help me,” she says. “Instead they pick up all the background noise. This means there isn’t any outward indication that I might be deaf. So when I can’t hear people they just assume that I’m either rude or ignoring them, and there’s only so many times you can say pardon before people get annoyed.” Victoria is one of the 2.3 million people who are hard of hearing in the UK, and like those with more obvious disabilities, she finds university difficult. “It’s not only hearing in lectures which is hard,” she says. “In fact it’s the extra curricular activities that often cause more problems. Having a conversation in a noisy bar is next to impossible for me.” As many hearing aid users will pro-

fess, they can often make it harder rather than easier to hear. Victoria finds that it can amplify background noise, which makes it difficult to hear what she is trying to listen to. She says: “All I can hear is every rustle, crackling and banging sound from around me rather than what I want to hear. “The problem is that unless you are using a loop system, where the hearing aid picks up a specific sound such as a speaker’s voice in a microphone, then the hearing aid just amplifies the nearest sound to your ear, which more often than not isn’t what you want to hear.” While smaller models are increasingly available, hearing aids still have a greater stigma attached to them than glasses, which have become a fashion accessory in recent years. Young people feel greater pressure to fit in and anything that marks them as different is likely to attract attention. Hearwear, an exhibition at London’s Victoria and Albert Museum, is part of a campaign to change the way hearing aids are perceived. The exhibition promotes hearing aids as desirable accessories rather than something to be disguised,

designed to be sold on the high street. Moving beyond aids designed for those who are hard of hearing, the exhibition includes aids which improve hearing for everyone by blocking out unwanted sounds such as distracting building work Aside from hearing aids, to help with the academic side of university, Victoria had help from her Local Education Authority under the Disabled Students’ Allowance scheme. This non means-tested grant allows students with a disability that may affect their chances at university to be provided with the support they need. The range of support available depends on your situation and needs. “Some students benefit from recording lectures, whereas others may find a radio aid linked to the lecturer more useful,” says Matthew Williams, a disability advisor from the University’s Student Support Centre. “For instance if you rely on lip-reading then note-taking is difficult. You can't look at the lecturer and take notes simultaneously, as you have to look away to do this effectively. In this situation a note-taker might be able to help you.”

Like Victoria, graduate Natasha Hirst also relied on DSA and university support during her degree. However, she still had difficulties hearing. “I found the inbuilt hearing aid loops in lecture theatres were a bit hit-and-miss in terms of how well they worked, especially if lecturers walk up and down and don't wear a lapel microphone,” she says. “I did have a radio aid which helped a bit as long as lecturers understood how to wear it.” Along with Victoria, she also found university difficult. “I didn't hear most of my lectures so I had to rely on handouts, overhead projection and lecture notes to know what I needed to be studying”. However, being hard of hearing doesn’t mean you should give up on your career aspirations, as partially deaf Natasha proves in her role as a research analyst. “I walked straight into a good job without any problems,” she notes. “The key is to show what you can do and not to be bothered about the fact that you can't hear. Being deaf or hard of hearing doesn't mean that you can't do the same things as other people, it's just a case of adapting and doing things a different way sometimes.” While there are many guides on the subject, advice about when to disclose your hearing problems to potential employers is mixed, and often confusing. Some career services advise jobseekers to disclose disabilities at the earliest opportunity to avoid difficult situations later in the application process. Yet this method could lead to employers favouring normal-hearing applicants over those with hearing difficulties. To counteract this problem, many careers advisors suggest presenting your hearing as an example of overcoming a challenge. Despite this advice, some hard-ofhearing jobseekers are reluctant to jeopardise their chances early in the application process. “I don’t want to draw attention to my hearing, so I never mention it in job applications,” says Victoria. “But this approach has backfired as I have lost out on jobs where I was seen as disinterested because I was unable to hear questions.” Natasha believes it is important to that revealing your hearing early results in less problems later. “If you don't disclose your situation on the form and then find out that the interview goes badly because

you haven't been able to follow what is said then it can really undermine your confidence.” Being open with employers appears to be the best policy - and Natasha finds that her hearing hardly affects the majority of her work. “For almost everything, I use email and since most people do this, it isn't a problem,” she says. “It is rare that I come across someone who is not willing to correspond via email instead of the phone. “I chat with people in the office through email as well, even the people who sit next to me!” Being hard of hearing at the workplace is also helped by initiatives such as the Access at Work Scheme, which helps to provide equipment such as text phones to allow Natasha and people like her to do her job successfully. The equipment is provided at no cost to the employer and helps to prevent discrimination from businesses who are concerned about the extra cost of a hearing-impaired worker. Schemes such as the Disabled Students’ Allowance and Access to Work means that people who are deaf and hard of hearing have a fair chance of achieving the same as those with normal hearing. But no matter how much help is available, those who are hard of hearing still have to work harder to be accepted and to succeed, as Natasha confirms. She says: “It does feel as if there is a need to be outstanding sometimes for employers to see that you are just as capable as anyone else of doing a good job.” Like many disabilities, being hard of hearing is still stigmatised. At university the pressure to conform means that note-takers and hearing aids may be an unwanted accessory to your university existence. At work, the inability to join in with meetings and office gossip can also lead to a feeling of exclusion. I too am hard of hearing, and the fact that I haven’t featured myself in this article is perhaps telling. Many positive changes have taken place for those who suffer from hearing difficulties - but for the people living with these difficulties it is still a concern that they will remain disadvantaged both at university and in the workplace. Help and advice for hard of hearing students is available from the Student Support Centre.

Features 19 Help and advice ! For a wealth of information about hearing difficulties visit the Royal National Institute for Deaf at www.rnid.org.uk ! If you are worried about your hearing, see your doctor. They should refer you to your local Ear, Nose and Throat clinic for a hearing test.

! For more information on the Disabled Students’ Allowance go to www.dfes.gov.uk or email the University Disability Centre at disability@cf.ac.uk ! For help and advice with careers visit the University Careers Centre at 5 Corbett Road or www.cardiff.ac.uk/carsv/ ! The RNID Hearwear exhibition will be at the Victoria and Albert Museum until March 5 2006. Visit www.vam.ac.uk for more information

HEARING AID: One of the exhibits at Hearwear

20 Features

Bearded warriors What do the three men in the pictures below have in common? Things get hairy as Tom Howard rummages in the magical world of the beard

‘The anvil’

ell well well, what with the Winter Olympics coming to a slow and anti-climactic conclusion it is time for everyone to clock in, grind out and get ready for the next major competition that anyone really cares about. Brighton is the city, England the country, Saturday September 1 the day. The London Handlebar Club are the hosts... it’s only the bloody World Beard Championships. 2007 is the year of the beard.

Infamous beards:

Billy Connolly Liam Gallagher Karl Marx Hitler Stalin Brian Blessed Gill Grisham Harold (Music Ed)

‘The cabbage’ Not to worry if it had slipped your mind, there is still plenty of time to clinch the deal on that tidy piece of face art that you have all no doubt been crafting, 17 months to be exact; but before you accuse me of becoming prematurely excited about this upcoming extravaganza, I suggest you take a look at what you’re up against. If you want to enter, now is the time

“

If you want to enter, now is the time to start shaving three times a day to start shaving three times a day. This is a competition set far apart from any other competition on the planet. Indeed, “unlike the Olympics, with its highly-competitive qualifying tournament, strict drug regulations, and gender testing (?!), this truly unique, off-beat public event is open to everyone willing to support his or her country,” says the literature. For the Queen lads, let’s grow beards. But it’s not novelty, oh no. “The purpose… is to promote the worldwide appreciation of beards and

‘The reverse Afro’ moustaches.” Not my words friends, the words of The World Beard And Moustache Association (WBMA, for those in the know). 243 competitors from 20 countries made the journey to Berlin in October 2005 for the most recent championships, to compete in one or more of the 17 categories available. Yes that’s right, never thought beards could be so varied did you? Read on. There are three main categories: Moustaches, Goatees and Other Partial Beards, and Full Beards. These are broken up into sub-categories, for example, ‘Handlebar’, ‘Fu Manchu’ or the ‘Imperial Cheek Beard’; ‘Musketeer’, ‘Sideburns’ or ‘Freestyle’; ‘Garibaldi’ or ‘Verdi’. One can take part in as many events as he qualifies for and the winners are voted for by a selected panel of beard connoisseurs. There are individual category winners, as well as an overall champion and a people’s favourite. In Berlin, German entrants won gold in 14 of the 17 categories, and in the last two championships, two Germans, Karl-Heinz Hille and Willi Chevalier, were the World Champions.

Features 21 allowed. Handlebars only, or as they put it “a hirsute appendage of the upper lip, with graspable extremities,” but I guess that’s obvious. Handlebars are the British way. They meet on the first Friday of each month in the Windsor Castle pub in London and if you don’t meet their strict qualifications, you can join The Friends of The Handlebar Club. There is no elitism in beard clubs.

“

A hirstute appendage of the upper lip with graspable exremities ‘The hornblower’ The Germans are streets ahead and the UK is lagging behind. We had a contender though, Alf Jarrold of Manchester, but he came away empty-handed. He was, of course, a member of the UK’s only official beard club, the aforementioned London Handlebar Club. Becoming a member of a beard club is the first step to potentially claiming the most underrated honour in all of history. The London Handlebar Club is no ordinary beard club though, in fact, beards are not

Germany are without doubt the kings of the beard world, with America closely following, but as is their style, the US have taken their effort one step further, and onto the big screen. Splitting Hairs is a feature-length documentary about the championships that follows the American team as they attempt to conquer Europe, and has been in the making since 2003. It comes out on ‘Firelight Films/If You Shave You’re Fired’ LCC Productions. Its tag line is “every revolution has a leader,” and I for one can not wait. Beards of the world unite.

Beards through time LINCOLN: Beard!

BRIAN BLESSED: Beard!

‘The drape’

Good beard websites: www.worldbeardchampionships.com The official championship website, everything you could possibly want to know. Category run-downs, pictures, all the winners, all the clubs. www.beards.org “The male beard communicates an heroic image of the independent, sturdy and resourceful pioneer, ready, willing and able to do manly things.” Can’t be beaten for all your beard queries. www.secretlair.com/babieswithbeards/ A look into the slightly weirder side of the beard coin, it’s a website dedicated to babies with beards and their parents, teachers, educators and caretakers. www.beardcommunity.com If you are looking for a beard forum then this is the place to go, and you too can chat beard with the likes of Cigarbeard and Excalibeard.

MARX: Beard!

beardboard.patcou.com

ZZ TOP: 2/3 Beard! Although, interestingly, the non-beard is actually called Frank Beard

DARWIN: Beard!

More beard chat plus growing tips, maintenance, styling guides and a special section dedicated to teenagers with facial hair questions.

Gay

gay@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

Un-civil partnerships With new legislation about civil partnerships Britain has seen its first gay marriages. Perri Lewis looks at why this still isn’t enough

here were three beautiful bridesmaids at the civil partnership ceremony I went to recently. There was also a best man, a cake, a lavish reception and a number of women wearing inexplicably large hats. There were tears when the vows were exchanged, applause at the welldelivered speeches and a number of guests drank too much free champagne and had to be packed off to bed before the evening reception had even started. It was almost exactly the same as a typical heterosexual wedding. Unfortunately, it was not exactly the same. After the ceremony the couple did not have something that straight couples do. They didn’t have a legally recognised marriage. Civil partnership is not legally recognised as a marriage (the Church and the House of Lords made sure of that). It may share most of the benefits of a marriage, but it does not share the same name. This presented no problem for the grooms on their special day; after being in a committed relationship for over seven years they were more than happy just to be legally recognised as a couple. But this difference in name, even though it may just be a minor difference to some people, has significant implications. In the long term it presents problems for any gay person whether they are in a civil partnership or not. Not allowing gay couples to be ‘married’ does very little to improve the status of homosexuals and samesex relationships in society, something that we expected from legislation giving legal credence to homosexual partnerships. In fact, the Civil Partnership bill does exactly the opposite of what we expected. It actually relegates gay relationships to beneath heterosexual ones. Refusing to allow it to share the same name as legally recognised straight relationships makes it explicit that gay people are not yet fully accepted by society and does nothing

Still no marriage certificate to improve this situation. It makes it quite clear that gay people and their relationships are not as equal to straight people and their relationships. Despite this, I have to admit that having any kind of legally recognised same-sex partnership is a massive step forward. Last year I noted prejudice against gay people within national and international governments and cited a number of people who were completely unconvinced that the Civil Partnership bill would ever get through the House of Lords. Because last year, foxes had more rights than gay people in the eyes of the government: Tony Blair was happy to push through a ban on fox hunting but did nothing to push the Civil Partnership bill past the intolerant, antiquated and highly homophobic House of Lords. Luckily, 2005 did see the government overcome their prejudice and the bill was passed. Since then thousand of same-sex couples have exercised their right to legalise their relationship. But while they have every opportunity to have bridesmaids, cakes and lavish receptions like straight couples do, it is a great shame that they do not get to share their equal status.

Final year gay students Volunteers are needed for a study being conducted by a Social Research student into your experiences at University here in Cardiff. If you would like to get involved, you need to identify yourself as gay, be male and prepared to undergo a taped face to face interview. Topics of discussion will include how you found your accomodation in Cardiff, any experiences or problems you encountered whilst studying in the city as well as your ‘coming out’ stories. Complete anonymity is guarenteed throughout the study and your identity will be protected throughout the whole process. The findings will be used to help the Univeristy find better ways of supporting gay students in the future. If you are willing to participate please email: richardtj2@aol.com

Reviews

27 02 06

Know Your

MaxÏmo Park head up hottest line-up since... last year

NME

WE ARE SCIENTISTS

RELEASED At a time when the world was too busy downloading demos, bootlegs and bodily noises of the Arctic Monkeys, last October’s With Love and Squalor is finally beginning to catch up to the world. Backed by the kind of tunes that blissfully drill holes through our brains, We Are Scientists’ march on our hearts continues unabated, and tonight’s proof. Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt’s stammering jive and The Great Escape’s sharp ditty provide the backbone to a set with as much creamy substance as stylish exterior. It’s a Hit provides the spit ‘n’ shine, This Scene Is Dead the polish. The result is undiluted disco beats capable of creating a riot in the local paraplegic ward. “We’d like to introduce the evening’s next band, they’re really great,” announces bassist Chris Cain, mid-set. “It’s us, actually. We’ve still got a few songs left.” While the sincerity of such a statement may be lost in the boyish wit of a band whose sense of fun involves getting chased out of Birmingham, few would argue, or even care, if they played all night long. Squalor’s never seemed so appealing. Sam Coare

MAXÏMO PARK

E AVES NM SHOCKW TOUR AWARDS ll Great Ha 11 Sat Feb

THE GANGS of Fitness First thugs who scream every last colloquialism as if their season tickets depended on it seem thrilled just to be within spitting distance of the band. It's like karaoke in the Kop. With the huge success of Arctic Monkeys and Gorillaz you can take it as a gibbon that all a band has to do nowadays is have a simianesque moniker and you're away. Although that doesn't explain Simian's lack of commercial success… Anyway, by this point the Great Hall has a swarm of sweat dancing around the ceiling. The elephant in the room (or at least Maxïmo Park's dressing room) is that most people are here for 'ver Monkeys'. Paul Simon once sang "Every generation throws a hero up the pop charts" and the Evening Glory generation have found their heroes, but have the band found them? Alex Turner strolls on stage and mumbles something incomprehensible. The crowd roar and most of them don't even speak Northern. Sheffield Wednesday scarves are thrown and discarded. Oasis thrived on fan adoration, Arctic Monkeys remember Be Here Now. Whatever your thoughts on the band, you have to respect a bunch of underage indie-disco-graduates who can discard two number one singles as tracks two and three of their set list. You've got to give the people what they want. And the people want the Arctic Monkeys. Will Dean

PHOTOS: James Perou

AFTER THE DUST has settled on a somewhat depleted audience, Maxïmo Park stumble out to reclaim the stage. The sweaty air of the Great Hall whiffs of anticipation as to how the Geordie five-piece can top the hype-monsters that those pesky Monkeys have become. Seemingly aware of this pressure, the Park rip straight into Graffiti, the track that shoved them into the NME spotlight almost a year ago and still proves a crowd pleaser. The set is consistently strong and drawn almost wholly from debut album A Certain Trigger; pounding choruses are abundant and encourage much punching of fists and chanting from the audience. Refreshingly humble, each song pushes them further out of the Monkeys' shadow and onto the eighties disco lights of the stage. Highlights include Apply Some Pressure and the poignant Coast is Always Changing, both delivered with quirky charm and assurance. Lead singer Paul Smith’s mumbled prologues to the tracks prove that there is no myth to Maxïmo Park – what you see is what you get: music poeticising life, and doing a sterling job of it. Maura Brickell

25 ARCTIC MONKEYS

OUT OF THE jungle and into the junk yard, Mystery Jets’ sound is a carnival mish-mash of kitchen tat, a well placed rusty colander here, a mouldy wooden spatula there, no accoutrements – no matter how strange - are excluded. As funny as odd socks, Blaine Harrison sits like a murky bog monster pitched behind a mountain of mess as they open with a Floydesque wall of tribal feedback, but it’s a swift move into songs from bewitched debut Making Dens. Previously, where the Eel Pie Island screwballs might of sounded cluttered they now sound massive, like a tenacious Talking Heads brandishing an egg whisk, all stringy bass, blinking guitars and deranged glares. Adding a touch of maturity (as well probably a fine selection of A Question Of Sport DVDs and cod liver oil to the tour bus) Daddy Jet Henry Harrison sways gently during the excellent You Can’t Fool Me Dennis and the lumberjack rock of Alas Agnes, a song so strange it’s like having conversation with a stuffed owl. Closing much like they began in a puff of purple haze, the Jets prove they nuzzle comfortably with the infectious, enchanting likes of British Sea Power in the box marked ‘really-cool-but-weird-shit’. Wouldn’t want to spend anytime in a dark, dilapidated lighthouse with them, mind. Greg Cochrane

MYSTERY JETS

Film

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WILD BUNCH REMAKE

Training Day’s screenwriter, David Ayer's is rumoured to be thinking about a Wild Bunch remake... We wish he wouldn’t.

LEE HELMING BIOPIC

Spike Lee has had his dreams dashed at filing the Jackie Robinson story. However he is now talking about the possibility of directing a Joe Louis biopic starring Oscar nominee Terrence Howard.

ANOTHER WESTERN REMAKE?

Film News ROYALE BOND-GIRL PICKED

The lovely looking Eva Green (Kingdom of Heaven) has been picked to play the Bond Girl in the upcoming Casino Royale, starring Daniel Craig. Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen has been chosen as the villain.

Walk The Line director James Mangold is rumoured to remake Western 3:10 To Yuma for Columbia Pictures. It’s about the battle of wits between a good-hearted rancher and a sly mean, but very smart outlaw...

WATCH OUT KATE MOSS

Mary-Kate Olsen, the twin who had anorexia, is apparently obsessed with Kate Moss and desperately wants to play her in a biopic. She believes she’s perfect for the role and it will give her the chance to show the world she can really act. Yeah right.

M ORE Good Acting

By Ryan Owen Film Editor

rokeback Mountain was the big winner at the Orange Bafta awards. Picking up four awards for Best Film, Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Adapted Screenplay, and The David Lean Award for achievement in direction, Brokeback won against strong contenders Capote, The Constant Gardener, Crash and Good Night, and Good Luck. The performance at the Baftas puts Brokeback in good stead to take many of the eight nominated categories at the Oscars. Talking of Brokeback’s success, Lee was captured to say "I thought it was a small work of love. I never thought it would play like this." It wasn’t a surprise for the bookies William Hill who now make Golden Globe winner Brokeback Mountain their 1/8 hottest favourite ever to win Best Picture at the 78th Academy Awards. They also have their eyes on Ang Lee as Best Director, as do we. Film Desks’ current Oscar predictions are:

BIG BAFTAS

Apparently over a billion people watched this year’s BAFTA awards from all over the world. And, this year, ensured no more foaming carpet. Shame about the rain, like.

27 02 06

Rumours

Best Best Best Best Best Best

Picture Brokeback Mountain Director Ang Lee Actor Philip S. Hoffman Actress Reese Witherspoon Supp. Actress Rachel Weisz Supp. Actor Paul Giamatti

Next issue, see whether Film Desk was right...

Awards season ain’t over yet but don’t let there be any complaining at the back there, it means we get plenty of decent acting

Gives meaning to the word ‘overkill’. At the end of every year it’s always the same. Unless you’re Empire, then it’s every month

Top 100 lists

L ESS

" My Life Out on DVD this fortnight: Ghost In The Shell 2 !" " Murderball !" " Serenity !" " Lord Of War Without Me !" " Syriana !" " North Out at cinemas this fortnight: Capote !" " Good Night and Good Luck !" " Casanova Country !"

Coming soon... Designed to get you sweating at the mere thought of their arrival: Blackbook (TBC) Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct, Robocop) has finally returned to his roots and shot a film in Dutch, set in WWII. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (6/7/06) Here it comes, the mammoth Depp-Bloom sequel. We’re just praying it doesn’t let us down.

Film

GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK Dir: George Clooney Starring: David Straitharn, George Clooney Out Now, 93 mins

T CAPOTE: Happy at his penis growth CAPOTE Dir: Bennett Miller Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener Out Now, 98 mins

he film opens to a shot that moves through a silent countryside towards a solitary house, where we hear a young woman calling for her friend. We follow who we assume to be her friend into a room upstairs and discover her friend dead and seemingly murdered. This is the start, not to another biopic, but instead an exploration of a period in the life of one of the USA's greatest writers, Truman Capote. The film covers his life between 1959 and 1965 and is based on true events, telling the story of Capote's intrigue at the murder of four Kansas farmers. Capote (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is inspired to research the case for an article setting off for Kansas with his close friend, writer Harper Lee (Catherine Keener). Once there, Capote's original plan to interview the murderers for an article grows into a much larger project. The relationship he develops with the prime suspect Perry Smith (Clifton Collins Jr.) is complex as he proves to be sensitive and articulate, with a traumatic personal history. Capote is troubled by his conflicting emotions over the case that he channels into his greatest work, In Cold Blood, a novel that helped to redefine modern non-fiction. Miller’s direction is assured sub-

jecting the audience to several perspectives; from portraying Capote as heartless and manipulative, then alternatively with behaviour justified through the actions of the condemned. Either way, you sense his selfish motivations and can fathom that his death from alcoholism in 1984 might be due to guilt. One key scene in particular, where Capote is shown to be reading sections from In Cold Blood to a New York audience is chilling whilst affecting. Adam Kimmel’s cinematography perfectly suits the dark atmospheric tone of the film by making use of blues and yellows, and being shot in near-monochromatic hues. These muted colours along with the highcontrast lighting create an aesthetic apt for the late fifties/early sixties setting. This stylised approach continues in the editing with its lingering pace enabling the audience to capture Hoffman’s nuances. Hoffman has always been a remarkable character actor (see Happiness, Boogie Nights and Magnolia). Here he gives the role depth and complexity by emulating Capote's speech, mannerisms and idiosyncrasies, with an astounding subtlety which avoids caricature. By embodying and truly becoming Truman Capote he has usurped these previous roles and catching the attention of the Academy where he is now favourite for the Best Actor Oscar after winning the BAFTA. Capote is a slow-moving, episodic recitation of a complex and highly flawed genius at the pinnacle of his career. Ryan Owen

rue, he may not be able to hold down a relationship but George Clooney certainly seems multitalented in other areas. He’s progressed from successful TV actor to successful film actor to successful film director, and, with the omission of Batman and Robin, post-ER he’s done it all rather seamlessly. Good Night is Clooney’s second time behind (and simultaneously in front of) the camera. The first, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, starring Sam Rockwell, was an accomplished work indeed. This time he’s tackled the tricky subject matter of TV broadcaster, Edward R. Murrow’s stand against senator Joseph McCarthy’s active spread of Communist paranoia. Set in the fifties, and duly, and impressively, shot in black and white, Clooney examines the cutthroat world of journalism and how hard it can be to stand by your convictions. Rather than cast an actor to play the Senator, actual footage is used, which cleverly avoids any accusations of manipulation or a biased portrayal. Instead the images are left to speak for themselves. The performances by the cast are restrained yet enigmatic, designed to reflect the restrictive world they live in. Everything is driven by post-boom era aesthetics and sharp images. Little time is offered over to character development which works both to the film’s credit and its detriment. To offer such development would make it too long to be effective but leaving it out is likely to leave some audiences feeling unsatisfied. By no means is this film relaxed, easy viewing. It’s designed to make you think and to honour the bravery of two men at a time of political unrest. Credit must go to Clooney for avoiding the easy option. He seems to have found himself a niche in retelling the fascinating stories of Americans past. Here’s hoping he keeps up the good work. Catherine Gee

Film

Matt Dahhh-mahnnnnn!!!! CASANOVA Dir: Lasse Hallström Starring: Heath Ledger, Sienna Miller, Jeremy Irons Out Now, 108 mins

irst Brokeback Mountain and now this? My, Heath Ledger’s sexuality must be bounding around like a bareback rodeo cowboy, the little scamp. Casanova sees the infamous naughty boy brought to life on the big screen with all the romantic subtlety of a night out to Robert’s Emporium Market (see Tesco Express…) His conquests are retold with the obligatory Hollywood twist: Casanova is really a very vulnerable man who just wants love (I always thought he wanted to bang his mum, but whatever). A contemporary period drama of comical proportions, this is brimming with artistic license and Hollywood lexicon that extends to the pseudoShakespearian English. Period wit is replaced with American slapstick. But if you can suspend your disbelief for a couple of hours, then this is a light-hearted romp with some funny moments. It is all about the dastardly Casanova getting himself into all kinds of scrapes before lady luck (or his sidekick, the brilliantly titled ‘Lupo’) lends a helping hand. Some comical performances from Oliver Platt and Jeremy Irons help support the films more incredulous moments. Do not be deceived – this is more French fabliau than Shakespeare in Love. But despite Casanova’s predictability, unoriginality and dodgy feminism, it’s very good fun. Ben Bryant

SYRIANA Dir: Stephen Gaghan Starring: George Clooney, Jeffrey Wright

MIRRORMASK Dir: Dave McKean Starring: Rob Brydon, Robert Llewellyn, Stephanie Leonidas

Out 03/03, 125 mins

Out 03/03, 102 mins

udgeted by the billionaire creator of eBay, Syriana has been billed as a ‘new breed’ of socially conscious, political Hollywood film but despite this noble aim, it doesn’t quite hit the mark. From Stephen Gaghan, writer of Traffic, comes a political thriller that follows two Pakistani refugees turn from ‘sweet young boys’ to suicide bombers, corruption in the oil industry and George Clooney acting against type as a grizzled, overweight C.I.A. operative. At first all seems promising; strong acting from the lead characters, clever camerawork and a story that pulls you in quickly: but somewhere along the way this gets lost. The story darts around far too much to really grasp fully what’s happening, so when the film ties up the ends of the various plot lines, the full pay-off isn’t really appreciated. On the other hand there are a number of great scenes that bring up a variety of different issues: a US senator proclaiming “corruption keeps us safe and warm, corruption is why we win,” and the non-judgmental if predictable escalation of the two young boys to committing Jihad. But as the lights came up I was just left feeling slightly unfulfilled. There is a good film buried in here somewhere, I just could not find it. William Hitchins

irrormask will doubtless have comic book dudes everywhere rejoicing as director Dave McKean’s unsettling aesthetic is transferred to the big screen. Helena (Leonidas) is a juggler in her parents’ circus, desperate for her own life away from her parents’ dream. When her mother becomes ill, Helena falls asleep only to find herself trapped in the many drawings on her bedroom wall, about to embark on a journey of self-discovery. The twisted visuals alone are enough to reel the punters in and Leonidas’ sultry performance is impressive. The soundtrack’s great too – one scene so fine it’ll make your skin crawl has a music-box– cum–automaton version of Close to You, complete with androids. And the shots of the voluptuous ‘bad Helena’ are bound to get those comic-book guys dribbling into their popcorn… This is real eye candy, then, but Mirrormask suffers from a plot that struggles to identify itself – is this children’s fairytale or rites of passage? The most interesting part – the conflict between ‘good Helena’ and ‘bad Helena’ – is swamped by McKean’s vision, and confused by a boring traipse to find keys, and books. It’s a disturbing Alice In Wonderland-esque trip that is beautifully made, but limited by its lack of focus on Helena’s best bits. Ben Bryant

PROOF Dir: John Madden Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Jake Gyllenhaal, Anthony Hopkins Out Now, 99 mins

fter a less than brilliant turn with Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, director John Madden teams up, for the second time, with Gwyneth Paltrow. Their last partnership, Shakespeare in Love, was a runaway Oscar success in 1998. Can they do it again? Proof has been making its way through the festival circuit (it opened this year's Cardiff Screen Festival) and has divided critics in its path. Paltrow stars as Catherine, the daughter of a recently passed, brilliant yet mad mathematician (Hopkins). After his death she worries that she may have not only inherited his genius but

The DVDon

Reviews you can’t refuse GHOST IN THE SHELL 2: INNOCENCE, Out Now Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence is stunning. In terms of what has been achieved with regards to the artistic direction and overall design of the film it is an absolute visual masterpiece. Technological advances in the field of animation have allowed visionary director Mamoru Oshii and his team to integrate traditional celshaded characters with painstakingly detailed CG environments. Aurally too, the film excels as the score is incredibly haunting, evoking the perfect atmosphere to complement Oshii’s vision. See it and revel in its magnificence. The Don Says: “I once made a film with ghosts in. Unfortunately Casper the Transsexual didn’t go down well with the critical crowd...” MY LIFE WITHOUT ME Out Now Ann, 23 years old, lives a modest life with her two kids and her husband in a trailer in her mother's garden. Her life takes a dramatic turn,

his progressive illness as well. At the same time she meets one of her father's former students (Gyllenhaal) who insists on going through his many old notebooks to try and further his knowledge of the subject. Paltrow gives a solid performance, for once leaving behind her characterof-norm, the sensitive, beautiful girl with good intentions. Instead she portrays someone who is less aware of normal social politeness. She is blunt and often cold with an enclosed, hunched demeanour. It's certainly nice to see her play a vaguely strong character for a change. Hopkins is, naturally, great in his role, but with Gyllenhaal something just doesn't quite sit right. Given there's a disproportionately high incidence of 'crazy' amongst mathematicians he just seems too suave and too beautiful to be a convincing geek. Much as he may try, and he is certainly a capable actor, there are just some roles that people can't play. when her doctor tells her that she has uterine cancer and has only two months to live. She makes a list of things to do before she dies, arranges her family life and falls in love to a lonely man she met in a laundromat. A very touching film about a mother who will go to any lengths, including recording future birthday greetings for her kids. The Don Says: “Insert hilarity” MURDERBALL Out Now A film about quadriplegics who play full-contact rugby in Mad Max-style wheelchairs - overcoming unimaginable obstacles to compete in the Paralympic Games in Athens. It’s an unflinching look without sympathy at the players and the tensions between the Canadian and the American teams. The Don Says: “Once I rolled my brother down a hill in a wheelchair. The irony is he crashed into an oncoming car and has lost the use of his legs...” LORD OF WAR Out Now Nicolas Cage can veer between excellent (Adaptation), and the ‘so bad it makes you want to shoot yourself in the head twice’ school of filmmaking (National Treasure). However, here he is perfectly watchable, as is the film, but no more than that. It centres on Yuri Orlov’s (Cage) rise from poor Ukrainian wastrel to global arms dealer, with the help of his addict brother (Jared Leto). With some truly beautiful cine-

Film

As a whole, the film, though in some ways perceptive and absorbing, doesn't quite create enough empathy for the characters and the effect can feel a little flat. Catherine Gee

“I’VE WON A BAFTA, FUCK YOU!” matography and scathing examination of the most horrific of African regimes it just about manages to save itself towards the end. To choose not to see this would offer no real detriment to the average day, but it sure beats some of Cage’s previous outings behind loaded guns and even more loaded directors. The Don Says: “I once owned a gun, and for a laugh, I stuck it up my brother’s ass and pulled the trigger. I’m now currently serving a life sentence in a life-correction facility.”

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL SERENITY Out Now

Serenity’s underwhelming boxoffice may prove a disappointment to eager fans of the film’s TV-based predecessor Firefly. However, Serenity proves a satisfying pay-off to a short-lived universe that deserved so much more. It also provides a funnier, grittier alternative to the pomp of Star Wars or Star Trek. The cast are clearly enjoying themselves (highlights from Nathan Fillion’s Solo-esque captain Mal and Chiwetel Eijofor’s menacing turn as the insidious Operative) and considering its modest budget, the special effects are stellar. If you like sci-fi, adventure or Westerns give it a rent. The Don Says: “I once confused Star Trek and Star Wars... Napolean Dynamite now hates me.”

Film

PROOF POSITIVE

Maths may not be everyone’s favourite subject but who cares when it stars Gwyneth and Jake. Catherine Gee heard what director, John Madden, had to say

ohn Madden’s latest film may be about mathematics and mad people but it still stars such cinematic heavyweights as Gwyneth Paltrow, Anthony Hopkins and Jake Gyllenhaal. His previous work includes Shakespeare in Love which won no fewer than seven Oscars and featured every British actor from Martin Clunes to Judi Dench. This man sure knows how to get what he wants. This time he’s adapted David Auburn’s Pulitzer Prize-winning play Proof, which he also directed onstage with Gwyneth Paltrow as the lead. “I knew that it’d been an admired play, but I knew nothing more about it than that,” he says. “I had no idea that I would do it on stage until I had an invitation from Sam Mendes (director of American Beauty) to do a play at the Donmar (theatre) and suddenly he told me he had the rights to this play and would I like to do it.” Proof was Paltrow’s first foray into theatre and she was encouraged to do so by Madden himself to help quell certain insecurities she had about acting. “She thought if she did it in rehearsal she wouldn’t be able to do it again when it came to the take.” By convincing her to go on the stage he helped prove to her that this was neither true nor needed to be true. “She’s got the perfect balance of instinct and emotion which will lead her in the right direction. She instinctively makes the most economic, the most accurate, and the most emotionally truthful choice.” Due to problems with the distribution company, Proof has been sitting on the shelf for over two years, waiting to be released. It’s a slow-paced, intellectual drama about the aftermath of the death of a talented mathematician, played by Anthony Hopkins, who suffered from mental illness through his final years. His daughter, who also has a way with numbers, is left suddenly alone after caring for him for so long. Plagued by the constant presence of Jake Gyllenhaal’s ex-student, desperate to examine her father’s late work, they discover something of a connection while she worries that she’s showing signs of developing her father’s illness. It offers an insight into the mindset of a person whose interests lie in a world where everything is ordered and definite. “The intention in the story, and the intoxicating thing about mathematics at that level, which is what drives all mathematicians forward, in that world, certainty is possible. It’s a hermetic world which, obviously, is

Film

GWYNETH AND ANTHONY

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE infinitely mysterious as well, but the idea of a proof, the idea that something can be completely incontrovertibly validated, is a very attractive concept.” Madden insists, however, that the film is not just about maths; rather that maths provides a milieu to a film about family. “It’s a film about what

JOHN MADDEN

we know and what we take on trust in relationships as well as about parents and children.” It’s certainly no period rom-com and he’s well aware of it. “I mean you’re mad if you try and make these movies for a lot of money. Try selling Proof to people… ’well there’s a depressed girl… she thinks she’s going mad.’ It’s not about that.” However, it certainly is true that a lot of mathematicians’ great works are done in the mid-twenties and that “mental instability does tend to adhere around that kind of intellect.” As much as maths may not be the most appealing topic for most of us, this film never really delves into its depths or bothers to try and teach its audience about the complexities of multiplication. But it does offer insight into a world we rarely see and invites us to understand the people involved. Mental illness is a frequent theme in films and one most find fascinating. The complexities of the human mind offer up a range of cinematic possibilities. The casting of Welsh native, Anthony Hopkins, was something of an obvious choice for Madden. Given his previous expeditions into mental illness, the most famous probably being Silence of the Lambs, he certainly has the credentials. “I know it sounds glib but to some extent there’s a danger when you try to over explain things and Tony Hopkins is not an actor who requires that or wants it. He’d be liable to glaze over if you do.”

The veteran actor theme in his films certainly doesn’t stop here. His next project is currently in post-production and stars Diane Lane and Johnny Knoxville along with Sin City stars Mickey Rourke and Rosario Dawson. “I’ve just been shooting an Elmore Leonard thriller which is an incredibly different kettle of fish from this. It’s very very different.” The novel, Killshot (from the author of Get Shorty), is a thriller about a married couple who, after being targeted by a hit man, are placed in protective custody. “The writing is fantastic and one treats it with enormous respect when making it.”

FACTSABOUT

PROOF

Adapted from the stage version of the same name, which was also directed by John Madden and starred Gwyneth Paltrow. In the play all the action takes place on the back porch and the stage spins round occasionally. Madden has previously done a play with Sam Mendes, director of American Beauty, at the Donmar, Mendes’ theatre. Although the film itself was finished ages ago it’s been delayed due to troubles with distribution.

Music GOLDFRAPP Great Hall 1 Wednesday Feb

RAINBOW LIGHTS, WIND machines, pink capes, all-in-one jumpsuits and camp guitarists. While they are able to captivate an audience with their pounding beats alone, Goldfrapp also put on a cracking aesthetic performance. Alison Goldfrapp, self-styled queen of electronica, fancies herself as a modern day wonder woman, capturing the attention of her audience with dramatic movements and breathy vocals. They are preceded by an unenthused support band - The Shortwave Set, lacking in innovation and clearly covering up for this by using an array of obscure instruments. The result of this is the general feeling of being in a discordant and chaotic primary school music lesson. Although daring, the lyrics of Goldfrapp themselves are a diluted version of their previous work, promoting a move towards mainstream acclaim. The lurid response of the audience to the highly commercialised Ooh La La proves they have achieved this. Although she teases the audience with her vocal gymnastics, Alison’s wanton pleas are not shocking or seductive, but are instead reminiscent of the lustful whinings found in the lyrics of many a horny R&B artist. But from tonight’s show, it’s clear that Goldfrapp’s appeal lies in their throbbing rhythms and almost ridiculous gaudy fashion; this synth-pop duo win over their audience by never taking themselves too seriously. Annabel Lee

ADULT Barfly Tuesday Feb 7

music@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

GOLDFRAPP: Alison in wonderland

THE KOOKS Louisiana, Bristol Friday Jan 27 WITH A DEBUT ALBUM packed full of tunes bouncier than lead singer Luke Pritchard’s tightly wound curls, the Kooks are in high demand. Shoebox sized sweat-den The Louisiana is full to bursting with people that have begged, stolen and blagged their way in. Acoustic opener, Seaside is greeted with the recognition of an old friend and proves the last chance to catch a breath before the band tear headlong through one power pop gem after another. Ironically it’s Eddies Gun, a song about being unable to get it up, that causes most excitement whilst current single You Don’t Love Me stirs even the most reserved members of the audience into unrestrained toe taping raptures. With a band as tight as the front row squeeze and the Jagger-esque, rock-god-in-training posturing of Pritchard the band leave a fevered, salivating Bristol crowd battered, breathless and euphoric. Luke Sellers JUDGING BY TURNOUT, electro isn't going to take off in Cardiff any time soon; however, it is perhaps fitting that the minimal crowd somewhat echoed ADULT's paired down style. The two-piece consist of angry, assonant vocals over a fast and funky bass line and occasional synth. You may know ADULT from their inclusion on the utterly essential Soulwax mix album '2 Many DJs pt. two' but they're a group still to hit the mainstream, not that they seem interested

SHOUT OUT LOU DS Barfly Sunday Feb 5 SHOUT OUT LOUDS slip nicely into the post-Arcade Fire humdrum with their repetitive, pounding drums and an eye for sweeping song-writing that, like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, can legitimately claim individuality within their field. Whereas CYHSY! Pay homage to Talking Heads, Shout Out Louds echo the Cure and Mercury Rev; perform a Pogues cover and still manage to retain the ever more familiar throb. Plus, they resemble Swedish farmboys (indeed, they could well be) with their corduroy and braces, sporting healthy beards. They aren’t a brilliant band, though, and have a nasty habit of slipping into Magic Numbers mode. However, their better songs sound great and upcoming single Please Please Please appeared in the ‘encore’ (they didn’t leave the stage, it’s weird that bands still bother) to complete a relentlessly upbeat evening with unabashed foot stomping and much appreciation. I arrived a Shout Out Louds agnostic and left a believer. I even put one of their free posters on my wall. Tom Howard in that, with minimal crowd interaction and the absence of Hand To Phone – their most well known song. Not that that's meant to be negative – they exude a cool and confident stage presence and provide a catchy and vibrant set which despite the hard edge of the punky vocals was impossible not to dance to. Recommended to indie kids bored of dancing to the fucking Killers. Jeremy Parkinson

VINCENT VINCEN T AND THE VILLAIN S Barfly Friday Feb 17 CHEEKY COCKNEY scamps with guitars are ten-a-penny these days but none manage to be quite as intriguing as Jamie T. An acoustic bass and a foul mouth are his tools for creating the kind of modern day blues that Pete Doherty might still be making if he stopped being a drug-addled pillock. Vincent Vincent and the Villains are another unusual phenomenon. Playing finger clicking, foot tapping, hip-shaking rock ‘n’ roll they have seemingly travelled through time to be here. Mixing a dash of skiffle with a heady dollop of classic rock ‘n’ roll, tracks such as Blue Boy and On My Own inspire all manner of jigs, jives and twists, the like not seen in Barfly since, well, ever. Both totally inspired and uplifting, Jamie T and Vincent Vincent have clearly got something different to offer and if there were two new artists more deserving of your time and attention then these are the ones. Tom Brookes

M u s i c 33

idol band-ter

NBA: Nine Live

BELLE & SEBASTIAN Colston Hall, Bristol Wednesday Feb 1 IT'S LIKE SOMETHING from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. B&S frontman Stuart Murdoch, resplendent in all-black, has stopped between songs and is orchestrating the Colston Hall crowd in a masswhistle. Obviously the crowd love it. The (unused) security crew at the front just look perplexed. After almost a decade of indiegenius, culminating in 2003's brilliant Dear Catastrophe Waitress, Belle & Sebastian are genuinely threatening the mainstream. The main problem tonight (of which there are few) is while the older, more maudlin songs, like opener Stars of Track and Field sound fantastic and much bolder than they did on record, new tracks from DCW and this month's The Life Pursuit can’t quite live up to the high production standards set by producers Trevor Horn and Tony Hoffer. Despite this, having songs as good as Me and the Major, I'm A Cuckoo and latest single Funny Little Frog means you don't need U2's production values to succeed live. A gig that began with Murdoch wandering blithely onto stage with a mug of tea ends with the band inviting members of the crowd on stage (including one of Quench's former music editors) to do an 'emotive dance' to the heartbreakingly good If You Find Yourself Caught In Love. Cool they might not be but, after seven albums, they remain one of the best and most quintessentially British bands. Will Dean

Dan Adriano, Alkaline Trio

WHILST NINE BLACK ALPS’ influences set them apart from the current crop of new bands being championed by the music press, on tonight’s evidence the band that grew up listening to Pixies and Nirvana would have made a welcome addition to the bill at the Great Hall the previous evening. Initially, most people here seem to be knackered from the night before and are hardly perked up by an opening set from the terrible Zico Chain. However, as soon as Nine Black Alps take to the stage and tear into Get Your Guns, the audience at Solus is awoken. Confidently striding through the majority of debut Everything Is as well as showcasing B-sides to be re-released on forthcoming EP Glitter Gulch, like their audience, Sam Forrest and co are clearly having fun. After capping the night off with the brilliant Shot Down, no one here leaves disappointed. Jack Bolter

PHOTOS: James Perou

S NINE BLACK ALP Solus Sunday Feb 12

1) If you could be anyone in the world for 24 hours, who would you be and why? “I would be whoever the guy is that wrote Since You’ve Been Gone for Kelly Clarkson. And in that 24 hours I would write and record as many songs as possible, then send them to myself. Then, when I turned back into myself I would have a whole bunch of rad songs that I could rerecord and release as my own...” 2) If you could have a signature piece of equipment what would it look like? “Actually, I already designed a signature bass, it was pretty cool, it was surf green, if I did it now though it might look a little different. I think I would have a lot of airbrushing of dragons and mystical things like that.” 3) Whats your favourite album of the last 12 months? “12 Songs, by Neil Diamond.” 4) When and where was your happiest moment? “That's private.” 5) If you had a TV channel, what would be on it? “It would have to be a live stream of what was going on in my living room - not that anyone else would care just so I could see what my dog was up to while I'm on tour. Then whenever I was home the broadcast would switch to all Arrested Development all the time.”

K U

ip H

Beginners’ Guide

TASKFORCE

New Mic Order

“Soldiers marching towards an army of skeletons with flames coming out their eyes and shit.” Ancient mythology meets north London council estates.

sicker than 50 invalids.” The album that shows British rappers can match Americans beat for beat, word for word.

me Beco ert p an ex £50 with

ROOTS MANUVA Brand New Second Hand

“Where my mind is at is where my soul is at/And if my soul’s intact, my mind’s intact.” Beats to vibrate the soul and lyrics to inspire the mind. The album that broke UK hip-hop.

FOREIGN BEGGARS Asylum Speakers

“Consider this, the illest kid spitting

M u s i c 35

op H

PHI LIFE CYPHER Higher Forces

“I speak with a plan and write my lyrics on the palm of your hand” Sod next level, these rappers are next century; impossibly talented, infinitely underrated.

JEHST

THE RETURN OF THE DRIFTER

“You could see me as cynical/Trapped in my own gothic vision/Encapsulating chaos in this composition.” The most talented emcee in the UK, poetic and mellow; challenging and touching.

hese are the days of the bubonic plague of our culture. Unsteady hope flickers, one more Westlife number one could snuff it out. Even Indie lies helpless on the sick bed of mediocrity, while the Crazy Frogs and Atomic Kittens giggle and destroy our brains a little bit more. Hip-hop has split into two. One is dead: crushed under the weight of his gold chains and bitches. The other driven deep underground: the home of UK hip-hop. UK hip-hop is poetry at its rawest, most honest and emotional. Lyrically superior to anything you’d hear on the radio, here is the last refuge of the intellect. A UK hip-hop record could be political; it could be aggressive and it could be stunningly poetic. But you can be sure of one thing: it is exactly what the artist meant it to be. It is real. Nathan Thompson

FIVE ARE-LIVE ...

The top five gigs you’d be a numpty to miss...

When: Tuesday March 7 Who: The Go! Team Where: Coal Exchange Kapow! Boom! Zap! Paff! Spaff! Bonk! Not Batman, but The Go! Team arriving in the ‘Diff to kick off a massive frat-party style occasion. Beware of people spiking your beer with orange Tango, it’s the new rohypnol. Oh, and it’s fancy dress, the theme is ‘Terrorism and celebrity animals.’ See you down the front, I’ll be the North Korean guerrilla.

When: Wednesday March 1 Who: The Feeling Where: Barfly I get the feeling these guys are gonna be huge... at least 20 stone by the time they’re 50. Fat biffers. When: Thursday March 2nd Who: Jack Johnson Where: Cardiff int. Arena Beaches and bonfires. Sophomore surf-dude brings his knarley, awesome, toally rad, bodacious, vacuous hair-lipped wave of hype to Cardiff. Cowabunga!

When: Wednesday March 8 Who: Cave-In Where: CF10 Yank hard-as-nails protagonists stop off for a budget breakfast in CF10, two sausages, two bacon, easy on the beans, but no eggy bread, biatch! When: Sunday March 5 Who: Engerica Where: Barfly Yeah, like, kinda, sort of, rock stuff maybe? Supported Reuben in Tunbridge Wells once, I was there, noone else was.

36 M u s i c THE MYSTERY JETS Making Dens

679 Recordings

Liver AS IS OFTEN the case, the band opening the NME awards show has a highly anticipated debut album in the pipeline. Well, Mystery Jets’ effort is sure to win them a few fans. The album has a unique sound about it, combining upbeat, cheery music to dance to, with a darker mix of epic songs.

MORNING RUNNER Wilderness is Paradise Now Parlophone

Spleen MORNING RUNNER are Chris Martin's new favourite band. It’s official, and this in itself is rather telling. Their debut release arrives on the back of some heavy rotation on Radio One. Unfortunately, for the most part it’s rather dull. The songs here are epic, and most of them sound pretty much the same: quiet piano verse followed by huge chorus. It's not groundbreaking stuff

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The songs here are epic, and most of them sound pretty much the same and more worryingly, the singer sounds remarkably like Tim Booth, formerly of indie stalwarts James. But, whilst the formulaic nature of the songs renders most of the album tedious, there is the odd moment to enjoy. Be All You Want Me To Be is by far the best on offer here. With a soaring chorus and punchy guitars it offers a nice break from the mediocrity, and a hit surely beckons. So, on the rare occasion Morning Runner get it right they hint at good things, but sadly these occasions are all too rare. 4/10 Emyr Joseph Price

“Where am I? Who am I? What place of mind?” This sound is by no means obscure and will no doubt find its niche in the mainstream market as it provides songs that piece together and form an alluring fusion of indie and progressive dance. The album contains the singles You Can’t Fool Me Dennis, and Alas Agnes along with forthcoming single Boy Who Ran Away. Other standout tracks include the climactic frenzy of Zoo Time and the strutting and ardent Purple Prose, with its rough-cut, harmonious vocals. While this album may not create as much hype as some others released this year, it shows how actions can speak, or in this case scream, much louder than words. 8/10 Will Schmit

TWO GALLANTS What The Toll Tells

Saddle Creek

Colon TWO GENTS, two fellows, two chaps, two men, two children, two knights, two noblemen… hmm… what about Two Gallants? Marvellous, that’s tremendous, we’ll be that. Ok, deal done. Let’s play strong, virile shanties ranging from the bombast of Las Cruces Jail and Threnody in Minor B, to the pained cries of Some Slender Rest. Er… yeah ok, we could do that, but we have to do it well. Oh, that’s a given, we’re Gallants, we will bellow every word and cut every guitar chord, splice every drum beat and blow a

gale through every harmonica. What do you call the bits of a harmonica. I don’t know? Well we must find out. Two Gallants are the sort of band who would feel the need to find out the name of the bits in a harmonica just to make sure they did it properly. They have that feel about them, they’ve worked hard on this album and the product is just a bloody victory for them and Gallants everywhere. 8/10 Harold Shiel

BETH ORTON Comfort of Strangers EMI

Stomach THIS FOURTH album from Ms. Orton finds her more ‘traditional’ than ever in approach; the electronic influences that pervaded her early work have all but vanished, replaced by sturdy songs that are indeed pleasant, occasionally beautiful, but perhaps lacking anything transcendent enough to stop this being much more than a quintessential coffee shop album.

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Sturdy songs that are pleasant but not much more than a quintessential coffee shop album Pigeon-holing it like this doesn’t completely do it justice, however, and there is a lot that works. The album is wonderfully produced by Jim O’Rourke (of Sonic Youth); textured, layered and expertly crafted, he has created a soundscape in which Orton’s constantly engaging voice flourishes. And there are highlights here suggesting that were the album a few tracks shorter than its 14-strong running time it would be of far greater impact – in particular, the title track (copenned by singer-songwriter and unsung hero M. Ward) is an absolute treat. Rectify shuffles along playfully halving tempo at will, and opener Worms impresses lyrically by equating the commitment-phobia of an ex-lover with the inability of chickens to fly and worms to dance (it works, they haven't got the balls, apparently). This is frustrating to say the least, as the collaboration between Orton and O’Rourke (who also plays on the majority of songs here) is ultimately a pleasing, yet potentially far more exciting one. 6/10 James Skinner

MOGWAI Mr. Beast

Rock Action

Heart GOTT IN HIMMEL, this booming grip in the very base of my spine, right on the tip of my coccyx. This burning lust running through me bringing foam to the corners of my mouths. This heat scorching my extremities working its ill-driven way through my capillaries, down my veins into the atria of my heart, before flooding my system with its raw sinuous power. My whole body wants this fucking record to consume me. Jesus shitting Christ this is great. I’m crying as my fingers type this but the tears are just an annoyance stopping me from fully concentrating on doing these sounds justice. Fuck the tears. Fuck the last two albums, everyone defends them but they’re nothing compared to this, this vast hulking behemoth, er, that’s Mr. Beast to you.

ATTACK & DEFEND Owl EP

Transgressive

Sorry, this is Mr. Beast. He isn’t all heart-destroying powerlord, he has a sensitive side like all the best villains. You sympathise with him when, via Tetsu Fukagawa (Envy frontman), he lulls the sweetest of children to sleep before tearing away; A Friend of the Night. He wreaks his unruly havoc with his trusty Glasgow Mega-Snake in

M u s i c 37 the famous Folk Death [of] 95. This is soul-destroying in the best possible way possible ever possible. 9/10 Harold Shiel

MOGWAI: The Family Beast

IDIOT PILOT Strange We Should Meet Here

Reprise Records

MASSIVE ATTACK Collected

Virgin Records

Lung

Chin

Shadow

FRESH FROM Hay on Wye, Attack & Defend’s Owl EP has an eclectic mix of sounds, all blended together to create an unusual strain of indie/electro. With driving electrotinged bass lines and a crisp drum sound. the EP is littered with beautiful little niceties such as the jazz organ sound on More and the brief drum n’ bass- style break in Posh it Up. Each track shows a different side to the band, exploring the avenues of their sound, but showing a professional consistency. The quaint, twangy guitar sound on Don’t Play With Gypsies In The Wood compliments the simple lyrics of what the band themselves describe as “an old patty patty poem that our grandmother taught us”. At times the songs do trail off into obscurity, but in a way this is what gives the music a beautiful individuality. This is a band that is definitely not afraid to experiment with an already familiar, if over-popular sound and take it that little bit further. 8/10 Leana Crookes

MICHAEL HARRIS and Daniel Anderson are the two ludicrously young gents behind Seattle-based Idiot Pilot and my oh my don’t they have some good ideas. Dark electronica, Radiohead atmospherics (Les Lumieres is so Kid A), sporadically brutal Deftone-esque vocals, metal, emo, hardcore; bloody hell the list is endless, they even try rapping on Militance Prom (which is crap) but as a combination it’s a more than competent effort at breaking down genre bridges. It’s also alarmingly accessible and on occasion struggles to steer clear from the Linkin Park sports-metal side of things, but there’s enough experimentation going on to warrant a blind eye and whilst Anderson does the screaming, Harris’s vocal is more Thom Yorke than that joker called Chester. I would urge anyone who takes an interest in rule-breaking music to give this a listen, but I can’t guarantee you’ll like it - it’s pretty loud, and very mental. 7/10 Tom Howard

BRISTOL’S MOST significant contribution to pop-culture since Cary Grant. In hometown terms, influence looms large, ensuring greater resistance to, say, the skinny-jean than you’d find in most places. Further afield ‘Massive’ have featured most prominently during scenes of drug abuse in hard-hitting TV dramas. But does their back-catalogue stand up to the demands of a highlights-package? Yes, mostly. A few old problems are manifest here - they sometimes sound insufficiently keen to repel the 2:30am stoner fraternity; they occasionally sound hell-bent on a kind of musical third-worldism; and Robert ‘3D’ Del Naja sounds like a sex-criminal when he sings (he isn’t – turns out, they had nothing on him). The best bits of Blue Lines and Mezzanine are, however, all here: big, sinister bass, minimal yet satisfying strings and a kind of cold menace that’s, well, pretty fantastic. And they’re regulars at Ashton Gate (Where? Shame on you). 7/10 Harry Rose

Books

books@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

BIG UP:

It’s a bit of a Nick McDonell extravaganza this issue. In the gair rhydd itself you can pore over our interview with this young fellow who, at 21, is the darling of New York’s literary scene, commanding comparisons with everyone from Hemingway to Bret Easton Ellis. He’s not bad looking either (not that I, as a red-blooded good-looking male myself would know). Oh, it’s easy to be jealous. Fantastically, thanks to those kind folk over at Atlantic Books we have three copies of each of his titles to give away - check out the competitions section in next week’s paper for details on this. Elsewhere, we review Tash Aw’s Whitbread First Novel Prize winner The Harmony Silk Factory, get stuck into Scarlett Thomas’s subversive (and quite brilliant) PopCo, check out Harvey Pekar’s early years in The Quitter, and, naturally, have loads more. Enjoy...

THE THIRD BROTHER Nick McDonell Atlantic Books

Ambitious second novel from NYC’s acclaimed literary upstart

eviewing McDonell’s debut novel Twelve in the Observer, Tim Adams noted that there are some things 17-year-old boys shouldn’t be able to do: “They shouldn’t be able to write exceptional satirical novels. Efffortlessly. In their summer holidays. And have them published in nine languages.” And hey, he’s right. Twelve was a massive achievement, an evocative portrayal of bored rich kids misguidedly indulging in expensive clothes, rubbish hip-hop albums and designer drugs, while their largely absent parents concerned themselves with little other than becoming richer. But while that novel was set exclusively in New York over a fateful four days, The Third Brother is a far more expansive affair, spanning generations, continents and terrorist attacks in a virtuoso narrative that drips with confidence. There really are some things that a 21-yearold writer shouldn’t be able to do. Divided into three parts, the book opens as Mike, our hero of sorts, finds himself pulled out of his internship at a Hong Kong newspaper in order to help research a story about backpackers and the burgeoning drugs scene in Thailand. This is more of a secondary task, however, as his real mission is to track down a Pulitzer-winning journalist who has disappeared in Bangkok, and incidentally, turns out to be an old friend of his father’s. Abandoned by his colleague, Mike checks into a hotel on Khao San Road, meets a troupe of journalists who call themselves the ‘flying circus’ and is drawn into a convincing under-

KHAO SAN ROAD: It’s a crazy road world where prostitutes, rich businessmen and corrupt policemen coexist in a far from happy medium, while the country’s President mercilessly cracks down on the drug lords in the capital.

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A dazzling, compulsive novel that saves its biggest pay-off until the very last chapter This opening segment of the book could easily pass as a novella itself, and the extremely short chapters that form it add immeasurably to the compulsive nature of the book. The action shifts from present-day Bangkok to Mike’s privileged upbringing, occasionally back to the meeting and turbulent courtship of his parents. Through Mike’s observations issues such as the confused, self-important nature of backpackers and the negative impact of globalisation are explored, although always as a backdrop rather than the thrust of the story. The remaining two parts of the

book deal with Mike’s return to America, and the subsequent collapse of his family, destroyed by secrets and addictions touched upon in the flashbacks already offered us. Notably however, this tragedy unfolds against the fall of the World Trade Centre; Part Two is set in real time on the morning of September 11 as Mike breathlessly rushes across town towards the scene of the attacks in search of his increasingly unstable older brother. Part Three winds down as Mike struggles to comprehend all that has gone before, the narration notably changing into that of first person perspective. For a writer as young as McDonell to be engaging himself with issues such as these is both admirable and slightly disconcerting. Thankfully, however, he has both the intelligence to deal with them and the talent to use them as part of a dazzling story that saves its biggest pay-off until the very last chapter. Which really, really won’t take long to get to should you have the good fortune to pick up this book. James Skinner

B o o k s 39 POPCO Scarlett Thomas Harper Perennial

Jonathan Coeendorsed, career-best novel from the “young, fresh & exciting” (TM) Thomas

kay, first things first. We’re a bit slow on the uptake here. PopCo is Thomas’s third novel, and was released way back in 2004 before surfacing in paperback form in the latter half of last year. It is, however, very much a product of the times we live in; part Nathan Barley, part puzzle-solving headscratcher and coming on like Naomi Klein’s anti-capitalist manifesto No Logo, it succeeds in its rather ambitious task of imparting a conscious, profound message about the evils of consumerism through simply being a constantly engaging story, skilfully told and expertly paced. Like Benjamin Kunkel’s Indecision (reviewed last issue), it takes the form of a novel wrapped up as memoir, although it is only in the book’s

THE HARMONY SILK FACTORY Tash Aw Harper Perennial

Winner of the Whitbread First Novel Award. Aw mate, it’s good

conclusion that the full relevance of Thomas’s decision to write it so becomes apparent. It is, to look at it in simpler terms, the story of Alice Butler, who works as a “creative” for PopCo – a “young, dynamic toy company with no dress code and no rules”. Plucked from a quiet life putting together crosswords and puzzles for newspapers, she is at odds with the company’s designer image, yet very good at her job; as the book shifts from her childhood to the present day we discover that her grandfather was involved in puzzles and code-breaking during World War II, and passed on to her both a talent and skill for such matters.

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Part Nathan Barley, part puzzle-solving headscatcher and coming on like No Logo Sent on a company residential to an estate on Dartmoor, the full, sinister extent of her job and the company’s motives becomes clear. Gradually the narrative spans back as far as to take in a centuries-old pirate treasure

ash Aw’s wonderful first novel chronicles the life of a legend of the Malaysian valley, Johnny

Lim. It is captured through the eyes of three spectators on his dark but fascinating life: his wife, son and English friend. Johnny is a man of poor beginnings, who drags himself up through the societal ranks of a country set for crisis. Surrounded by English and Japanese occupiers, Johnny is an ambitious but bitter young man who covers his shady, murderous past with uncomfortable ease. This enables him to swing the inheritance of a textile shop, which he uses as cover for his communist activities, and pulls off marrying the beautiful daughter of the most influential man in the valley.

AW: Chilling by a tree Tash Aw cleverly separates the book into a three-part structure, enabling him to play with different writing styles and allowing each spectator to command their own section of Johnny’s life, each voicing the love, hatred, jealousy, pain and confusion they all invest in this man. Despite starting off in quite a disjointed manner, the first two parts and

map, cutting back and forth throughout Alice’s stay in Dartmoor where she makes the acquaintance of several young liberal-minded types.

THOMAS: Chilling with a guitar Thomas weaves these strands together deftly, throws in a convincing love triangle in to boot, and in Alice has found a protagonist who is both strong and occasionally wavering. It isn’t a particularly light read, but nevertheless a gripping one. And hey, it’s got pirates in it. Excellent. James Skinner their narrators are so engaging in style and events, you find yourself almost more interested in how their own lives evolved. However the third section, narrated by an Englishman that Johnny befriends, dips in comparison, deviating repeatedly to his life now, as an elderly man. Cue much intermittent talk of plants, gardens and other things that occupy the mind of an old person. But don’t let that put you off; The Harmony Silk Factory is wholly enjoyable and gives a rare insight into Malaysian culture and history, almost imperceptively, because it is so interwoven with the unusual and remarkable story of a man called Johnny. Cat Grogan ROCK: Chilling in the sea

Books THE QUITTER Harvey Pekar Titan Books

Pekar returns with a charming chronicle of his pre-American Splendor youth. He quit a lot

1976 signature publication American Splendour. The title derives from Pekar’s constant attempts to be the best at whatever he did, whether it was American football in high school, wrestling or a fleeting month-long-stint in the US Navy in early manhood, to find he always ended up eventually quitting in search of new prospects.

he Quitter is the new graphic novel from the always excellent Harvey Pekar, the writer behind the acclaimed American Splendour series upon which the equally entertaining if sadly overlooked Paul Giamatti film was based. An autobiographical account of Pekar’s youth as a Polish-American Jew growing up in a Jewish-Italian Cleveland suburb, The Quitter traces his need for acceptance amongst his peers and parents, taking an interest (amongst other things) in street fighting and football for the former and a reluctant submission to his faith and willing servitude to the latter. The Quitter ends on a positive note just as Pekar discovers his passion for comics with the beginnings of his

TUNING UP AT DAWN Tomas Graves Harper Perennial

Memoir, music, Majorca. Magnificent? Maybe...

uning Up At Dawn is the personal memoir of Tomas Graves, son of famous war poet Robert Graves, chronicling his life and experiences growing up in Majorca. The book focuses on Deia, a small rural town which during the 1960s developed into a thriving bohemian community. A stop-off point on the hippie trail from Morocco to India, Graves records how this idyllic setting became a magnet for musicians, artists and poets seeking to escape the hustle and bustle of urbanised Western culture. He explores the fascinating traditions of the island, whose culture is a heady mix of the Catalonian and the Arabesque. He charts its development and the changes in character brought about by the steady increase in mass

Narrated by a retrospective Pekar, who occasionally appears in segments as if confronting the reader directly, it is a tale told with neurotic wit and a great deal of charm, telling given that the Pekar presented in The Quitter remains endearing despite his occasional lapses into thuggish behaviour and over-confidence. Dean Haspiel’s artwork is presented in crisp black and white, with muted grey tones by Lee Loughridge, who adds depth to the frame.

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If you dismiss comics as childish, this is a mature work which comes highly recommended

PEKAR: Oddly massive arms

Haspiel’s art compliments Pekar’s subtle comic inclinations, striking just the right aesthetic balance between the realistic and cartoonish. If you’re into comics and aren’t familiar with Pekar’s work, this comes highly recommended. If you dismiss comics as childish, this is a mature work which comes highly recommended. If you like Harvey Pekar’s other works, this is essential. Ewen Hosie

tourism, for which it is now famed. As a guitarist, Graves dedicates much of the book to the Majorcan music scene, whether it be traditional gypsy folk, progressive psychedellic jazz, hotel bands playing Beatles covers or the abomination that is the 'Club Mix'. Insightful and at times touching, Tuning Up At Dawn absorbs one into Graves' world. Crammed full of charming, often hilarious anecdotes and local characters, he paints an almost Utopian picture of pre-package holiday Majorca. He highlights the conflicts between the strict confines of a deeply religious Spanish society and the hedonistic, drug-taking free love of

Majorca's early foreign community. One gets a real sense of a beautifully serene culture being corrupted by marauding hoards of sunburnt British and German tourists. His narrative is quaint and atmospheric, and while there is a tendency to drift into the trivial, one gets the sense that what we are being given is a complete portrait of island life where no stone is left unturned. This book combines the factual with the romantic, the mythical with the historical and provides for the reader a real escape from wet pavements and grey mornings. So crack open the vino, relax and enjoy. William Young MAJORCA: Oddly alluring architecture

B o o k s 41 THE ACME NOVELTY LIBRARY F. C. Ware

Jonathan Cape Genre-straddling collection of endearing comic-book creations

also one-off sketches and stories with repeated characters who are compelling and funny such as Rocket Sam, a blundering idiot of a spaceman who wishes solely to travel but ends up destroying most of the

he Acme Novelty Library is unusual, to say the least. Combing politics, humour and tragedy in a unique mish-mash of genre magnificently. The drawings and art within the book are childlike and simple but have an abstract comical feel, and with the gorgeous use (and occasional lack) of colour it equates a wide amount of feelings with characters you normally wouldn’t give a crap about. Throughout the book there are

DEMO Alison Miller Penguin

Debut novel from Miller, where anti-war marches form the backdrop to two very different lives

emo follows the lives of four young anti-war demonstrators, as it weaves in and out of the minds of Clare and Laetitia, two spirited young women.

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ACME: Quality goods life is a world away from Clare’s, but typically she has a dysfunctional home life. Laetitia is not as frank as Clare; her monologue is never quite as vivid or emotional, but she is still insightful. The two characters contrast nicely, especially in terms of social class. Demo is superficially about two girls questioning democracy, but it’s much more centred on their personal lives than any actual ‘demo’. As the story progresses back in Glasgow the girls’ paths continue to

galaxy; Rusty Brown, an overweight middle-aged man who collects nostalgic items and lives with his parents; and Big Tex, an intellectually stunted cowboy whose only wish is to play and help people but who constantly messes up. You can’t help but love, sympathise with and adore them. The ACME Novelty Library depicts social outcasts and why they are unliked by all, but demands a certain care and concern for them. The dialogue within the book is very juvenile but riddled with subtle humour and most of the tales have no speech at all, solely relying on the power of the story, which is pulled off very well. The only downfall of this is that the humour is an acquired taste, but if you enjoy the plight of compelling rejects and their everyday life this is a must have for you. James Rendell cross. Yet it is left to the other characters (such as Clare’s Muslim best friend) to really give us a glimpse into the ideologies of today’s anti-war youth. Although the action slows down in the middle section of the book, it picks up again in the final part and is worth persisting with if only to see whether or not Julian will grow to be a less smug and more trustworthy man. All in all this is a light, yet perceptive coming-of-age story for the antiIraq generation. Lindle Markwell

A light, yet perceptive coming-of-age story for the anti-Iraq generation We are flung straight into the mind and dialect of a Glaswegian girl; Clare lives on an estate, she’s just turned sixteen and jumps at the chance to accompany her big brother Danny on a Stop the War demo in Florence. But the trip has more in store for Clare than she first thinks. Clare is immediately attracted to Danny’s well-spoken yet arrogant friend Julian, loses her virginity to him, and then loses him altogether when he agrees to get back with his ex-girlfriend Laetitia. Laetitia is a posh twenty-six year old Cambridge PhD student whose

FAIRIES: Anti-war

Digital

digital@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

XBOX 360

The first of the ‘next generation’ consoles is here. Sam Curtis gets addicted to Microsoft’s latest and greatest

uying an Xbox 360 is hard work. After several arduous and ultimately unrewarding forays into Cardiff we finally tracked down the elusive console in Bristol. The new Xbox comes in two flavours, the ‘Core’ (or ‘Shit’) system with no hard drive and the feature packed ‘Premium’ system. It’s difficult to see the value of the Core system given the expense of upgrading it compared to the price of the Premium system. There seems to be no incentive to buy this inferior version. Shoppers clearly agree judging by the difficulty we had in obtaining a Premium pack. The iPod has a lot to answer for. Ever since its release designers want to encase all electrical equipment in minimalist white iplastic. The 360 is no exception; like Apple’s success story the it has interchangeable covers allowing for tacky personalisation of the console. It does introduce several innovative features. Improving on its brick-like overweight predecessor the 360 carries its flab in a hefty external power supply. The controller ports, of which there are only two to encourage wireless gaming, are hidden by a handy panel. Equally, the memory cards (64mb in size) sit unobtrusively inside the console when inserted. Most usefully, the 360 supports wireless controllers. The days of wayward cabling capsizing assorted beverages and ashtrays are finally over. The controllers have been subtly redesigned to be more ergonomic. The black and white buttons now occupy Playstation style R and L1 positions and the controllers sit more comfortably in the hands. The main menu is easy to navigate, unsurprisingly resembling Windows XP. When connected to Xbox Live the user may download game demos, updates, arcade games and desktop themes as well as compare game progress and chat online. This is an applaud-

CALL OF DUTY 2: In all its glory able level of interactivity not seen on a console before. Like the original Xbox it’s a DVD and CD player as well allowing you to rip CDs to the Xbox hard drive. Compatibility is where the console most resembles a computer. Got one of those new-fangled MP3 players? Plug it in and the 360 will play songs, allow you to construct playlists, shuffle tracks and in some cases charge it up. Press the Xbox 360 button and this can all be done in game. Equally the console is compatible with Microsoft keyboards (ideal in role playing games like the online Final Fantasy game). Despite the well-designed menu and controllers it’s the games that put the console to the test. In this field the future looks bright for the Xbox, Microsoft make much of the support for high definition TVs on the console. This visual acuity combined with the high levels of processing power on offer mean that it should be adequately capable of competing with Sony’s ‘next generation’ contender. The 360 is powered by an assortment of bells and whistles as well as magical fairy dust that makes things look nice and shiny. Currently it seems to be quite comfortably churning out PC quality graphics with the likes of Call of Duty 2 and Quake 4 but it has the

potential to do even better (Halo 3 anyone?) It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the wealth of marketing nonsense spouted by Microsoft about interactivity and the power of the console. It’s equally easy to be taken in by the smooth white plastic and illuminated buttons. However, currently the Xbox 360 is the best console money can buy. It’s also the most PC-like console money can buy. The graphics are outstanding, the menu system and controllers refined to near-perfection. It’s good value too (especially amid rumours of a hugely expensive PS3). Best of all it’s hardware is yet to be exploited fully, the potential for innovation is enormous.

PERFECT DARK ZERO Microsoft Rare XB360

D i g i t a l 43

Less than Perfect

t’s been six years since we were first introduced to the exploits of Bond-wannabe super agent Joanna Dark on the archaic N64. Now she returns in Perfect Dark Zero on Microsoft’s spangly new Xbox 360. Whilst it is inevitable that this game will be compared to Halo 2 on the original Xbox, the game is best enjoyed without this comparison as it never intends to be Halo. With the developers of the elements of play such as original GoldenEye at the helm the abilities of stealth and of Perfect Dark Zero, veteran hacking. Creative puzzles gamers can be assured that and objectives however, the distinctive game style are routinely spoiled by remains intact whilst also the game’s linearity and being accessible to new appalling AI. Experienced gamers. The power of the gamers will be Xbox 360 can be immediatereduced to tears by ly seen in PDZ’s stylized the infuriatgraphics which are simply The outstanding Joanna Dark ingly hard stunning, with outstanding Perfect Agent attention paid to detail mode and the and lighting. game’s repetiPDZ boasts a single tive player mode that spans 12 varied missions, all containing different

All in a day’s work tendency to throw hundreds of enemies at you in a bid to return you to the checkpoint which you passed an hour before. The faults in the game’s single player mode are only redeemed by the multiplayer mode of the game allowing support for up to 32 players in standard online objectives such as Deathmatch, Capture the Flag and Territory Control. Perfect Dark Zero is well worth a play but sadly we are still waiting for a gaming breakthrough that really exploits the potential processing power of the Xbox 360. Chris Pickup

PROJECT GOTHAM RACING 3 Microsoft Bizarre Creations XB360 Vroom Vroom Vroom! PGR 3 IS A DEFINITIVE essential game for any 360 owner. The most impressive cars in the world look good enough to eat and the in-car view is so slick as to distract you from the job in hand. PGR 3 is more accessible than its predecessor; cash and kudos (points awarded for stylish driving) are satisfyingly attainable for the beginner, and yet there lies a wealth of variety and depth of skill which will keep the dedicated gamer striving for those platinum medals. The single player mode doesn't take long to scorch through on a regular difficulty setting, but it's online

Mmm... shiny that PGR 3 really comes alive. Online opponents add an extra dimension to the game and climbing through the rankings will keep you entertained for much longer than the offline single player mode. Apart from the music, which is a perfect opportunity to test the 360's media centre capabilities, every second of PGR 3 packs a screeching,

power sliding punch that will satisfy any armchair gear-head like never before. John Lott All games provided by CEX near Cardiff Station. The place to buy, sell and exchange games and gadgets. WWW.CEX.CO.UK

Arts

arts@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

Choose life. Why would anyone want to do a thing like that? What’s On The Circus of Horrors @ New Theatre 21 Feb - 23 Feb Circus treats galore in the New Theatre, including Gary Stretch - the man with amazingly elastic skin. Promises to be wonderfully, freakishly camp and, apparently, you’ll die laughing.

Canadian Dry Double Bill @ St David’s Hall 21 Feb TRAINSPOTTING THE SHERMAN 6 - 11 FEBRUARY

Heroin for laughs

rainspotting is a dramatic, reallife portrayal of the darkest recesses of Edinburgh drug culture. It is characterised by bawdy and boisterous humour, and is a brave play that dares to show the realities of heroin addiction. The play tells the story of four disaffected Scottish youths, who turn to heroin to escape the banalities of modern-day existence. They then begin to suffer the consequences and discover that there are no easy solutions to the inherent loneliness and the pain of life. The play is narrated by Mark Renton, an emaciated young man, who will succumb to any level to feed his heroin habit, shown most prominently in ‘the filthiest toilet in Scotland’ scene. The play combines humour with the depressing reality of heroin addiction, and what really gives it credibility is its close relationship with the body.

The characters regularly ‘shoot up’, and such close attention to the injection procedure makes the play extremely convincing and compelling. In one scene the character Tommy walks on stage naked in desperation for his drugs. His nakedness creates a potent statement, emphasising his vulnerability and injecting the audience with startling melancholy. The play was excellent and all five performances were outstanding. Peter Milne’s performance as the heroinenslaved Renton was exceptional. His detailed narration and accurate representation of a drug dependant youth left the audience astounded, but at the same time, enthralled. Ruaraidh Murray’s transgressing Tommy engaged the audience’s pity, whilst at the same time never failing to shock. Laura Harvey, as the only female in the play, also gave an accomplished performance as Alison, portraying her in a genuine but entertaining manner. Trainspotting portrays the lure of heroin culture, introducing a gang of addicts who find escape in hypodermic needles. It is a vein-tapping, loodiving virtuoso piece, and a deliciously entertaining play that will have you enthralled. Rebecca Child

Sort-of fresh from winning over a Fringe audience, comedians Tony Law and Craig Campbell will appear for one night only.

Splott on the Landscape @ Sherman Theatre 24 Feb - 25 Feb The acclaimed NoFit State circus bring their unique combination of circus, street theatre and cabaret to the Sherman.

Borderlines @ CBAT Gallery 31 Jan - 24 Feb Exhibition charting the work of artist Peter Ford. He makes his own paper. And makes art from it.

Contributors Needed If you want free theatre tickets, or galleries are your thing, email us: arts@gairrhydd.com

C u l t C l a s s i c s

classics@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

It’s sex, drugs and rock and roll - brought into our lives by angry whippersnappers. Trainspotting, Junkie and Scarface. Word.

timely inclusion this, as the stage adaptation of Irvine Welsh’s infamous novel has just hit the streets of Cardiff (see Arts, page 44). In Danny Boyle’s famous 1996 screen version, muscular performances from the soon-to-be-all-star cast of Iwan Bremner, Johnny Lee Miller, Robert Carlyle and Ewan McGregor poignantly portray the spiral into destruction through drugs and violence of the former three, and a hard-fought redemption for the latter. The film’s chronic heroin-aggravated misery and despair set against acute moments of comedy and bliss (mostly induced by the very substance adding to their misery) not only shows the ills of addiction but also acts as a magnified version of much of the seemingly-pointless early 90s working-class existence. Despite the availability of the easy option of trying to get the audience to pity the central characters, Trainspotting never takes this route. This lack of pretension and absence of self-importance combined with black humour and quotability to make this a film worth watching time after time, even a decade after its release. Chris White

RENTON: The wrong side of the tracks

BURROUGHS: Junkie scum

unkie tells the story of the narc-fiend William’s steady descent into a world shrouded in the struggles of desperate addicts, lush-workers (who’ll rob sleeping aristocrats or tramps) and prison-like rehab clinics. This is a story of an alternative world of criminality, bisexuality, unsympathetic quacks, and clubs that Burroughs plunged himself into after his discharge from the army in 1942 - with the end result of a heroin addiction that would last for a decade. Although highly autobiographical, Junkie dispenses with any element of sympathy or sentiment. It is an almost entirely observational narrative with characters brushed over quickly as the storyteller moves from community to community. Essentially, it is the junk that lies at the heart of his story and retains the focus of all his endeavours. “Junk is the ideal product . . . the ultimate merchandise. No sales talk necessary. The client will crawl through a sewer and beg to buy. . . The junk merchant does not sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to his product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client. He pays his staff in junk.” Matthew Turtle

carface is the definitive film in terms of drug culture. It also happens to be pure cinema gold as we see a little Al Pacino strut his stuff, stick his snout into a mini-mountain of cocaine, and try to fuck his own sister. Compelling stuff. It stars Al Pacino (before his shouty stage) in an archetypal rags-to-riches story as he builds a strong drug empire in Miami that goes from strength to strength. As a druglord he is permanently high on his own supply and his associates turn on him quickly and wage a war against the angry little Cuban. “Is this it? That's what it's all about, Manny? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking? Snorting? Then what? You're 50. You got a bag for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra... Look at that. A junkie. I got a fuckin' junkie for a wife. She don't eat nothing. Sleeps all day with them black shades on. Wakes up with a Quaalude, and who won't fuck me 'cause she's in a coma. I can't even have a kid with her, Manny. Her womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with her!” Watching Scarface leads me to the conclusion that taking lots of drugs is a good thing. Hell, you die in the end, but at least it’s a dramatic exit from the stage that is life. Ryan Owen

PACINO: Drugged-up bastard

46 T u n n e l V i s i o n

Tunnel Vision By TV Willy CTRL-ALT-DELeting Your Face

ere’s a maths problem that’s been troubling me: Take Graham Lineham (writer of Father Ted, Black Books and others) add Ash Atalla (producer of The Office) and multiply by a Chris Morris bit-part. In normal circumstances this ought to be the comedic equivalent of the Theory of Relativity or Pythagoras’s Theorum (yes, I don’t know any other clever-sounding theories). In reality though, Channel 4’s The IT Crowd is more like the Travelling Wilburys or Real Madrid circa 2004 – an underachieving production notably less than the sum of its vaunted parts. Obviously the show has the team behind it; Lineham alone is partly responsible for two of the best sitcoms ever. The situation is there, anyone who’s ever worked in an office must wonder where the guys who come up from the IT helpdesk actually dwell. The audience ought to be there, you can see from the many billboards that Channel 4 have put their might behind the show and sticking it in a Friday night primetime slot doesn’t hurt either. The problem, and remember that for a comedy this is a pretty fundamental problem, is that the show is painfully unfunny. I really, really wanted to love The IT Crowd. The news that Peep Show is not to be re-commissioned has left a hole in Channel 4’s record for brilliant sitcoms. Unfortunately, Polyfilla wit this isn’t. The cast don’t help much either. Roy, played by Chris O’Dowd, is an inverse Bernard Black (Dylan Moran in Lineham’s Black Books). What the writers have missed though is that Bernard’s misanthropy was what

television@gairrhydd.com

27 02 06

“

The character of Moss is a revisionist geek the sad caricature of loserdom you’d expect from a 1950s highschool movie, you know like Eugene in Grease MOSS: Gathering stones made him so appealing, while Roy just comes across as a happy-go-lucky nerd. Moss (Richard Ayoade – whose credentials include the brilliant Mighty Boosh and Nathan Barley) is a revisionist geek – the kind of caricature of loserdom you’d expect from 1950s high-school movies, you know, like Eugene was a pastiche of in Grease. We didn’t see anything this lazy in either Lineham or Atalla’s pervious works, so why should we expect it now. Finally, manager Jen’s stock-intrade seems to be screaming loudly. A comedy technique last practised by Janet Leigh in Psycho, and we all know how funny that was. Victoria Wood recently claimed that the success of The Office and The Royle Family has meant that the traditional sitcom has become an endangered species, with anything set in a studio with a laughter track appearing too contrived. Well, good. If the choice is between Dinnerladies and Friends or Arrested Development and The Thick of It then we can, nay must, appreciate that audiences have moved on from generic rent-a-gag fare that has dominated the best part of three decades of TV comedy. Disturbingly though I think she’s wrong. The dogged treatment of the aforementioned Peep Show and

THE IT CROWD: We wish it was good. Truly.

Arrested Development hints that audiences have got sick of the post-sitcom. Channel’s 4 brilliant new More4 channel seems to have given the channels executives licence to push any quality programming onto the outer reams of Freeview, whilst using their terrestrial arm to aim squarely for the lowest common denominator (witness the abysmal Friday Night Project). BBC2 haven’t produced a sitcom of note since The Office. That said, The IT Crowd may be a small nail in sitcom’s coffin. But at least it’s better than Dancing On Ice ad infinitum. Keira chameleon The Baftas were on last week and, as usual, were a rather dreary affair. The main gossip being that Keira Knightley snubbed the award after being overlooked for Best Actress. She had a case, to be fair. Anyone who can get away with playing the SAME CHARACTER in films about football, pirates, bounty hunters, historical epics and a period drama deserves some kind of gong. More Tunnel Vision ramblings can be found at television.wordpress.com

After the second coming there came...

27 02 06

Vinyl Resting Place

with Bastian Springs

Bastian Springs Return of the Mack

he Comeback Trail. The reason, walk ‘trail’ you parents make youfriends, that it’s called a trail, is because, like the country your local butterfly greenhouse) walk on (usually starting and finishing round the back of of ever yone’s time. But somebody, is meandering, unpredictably muddly, and generally a waste know and love, for reasons foul andsomewhere out there has to cultivate it, and the bands we regenerate our public love via this frail, cock ever ything up recognition-wise, and thus have to porate grovelling (“Aww please liketreacherous trail. Henceforth, in-your-face re-publification, corVANT”) and a sackload of tat eng us again, we sound just like we always did, only more RELEmongering they make have once ineered to rekindle the withering candle of rock ‘n’ roll tritetime, with gargantuan neon lette smothered. In simpler terms: the comeback trail sucks big ring screaming ‘God, no! Even the during the last album that was actu B-sides, supposedly written boards, that only exist in cartoon ally half decent!’ The wife-beaten loners with sandwich s telling us ‘the world is nigh,’ whe them, when half-eaten morsels, che re are they when you need they can tell us to start loving themwed out and splattered over the top 40 recycle bin, think aga in. Whe re are they? The answer, my friends, is blow the twilight zone of the Vinyl Res ing in the winds of change. There’s nothing more beautiful in again, hitting all the wrong notes,ting Place, than a laughably awful band thinking they’re “hip” to the tune of a million guffaws.

Record no. 26 - The Vines - Don’t Listen to the Radio Crime - Telling us to do the obvious

o there was us thinking that Craig Nicholls being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome would turn the Vines into an cumworthy advantageous megaincentive supergroup of unquestionable diversity? Nah, me neither, but a lot of people who invariably, won’t admit it, thought this might be the case. So whilst being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome is no laughing matter, the Anitpodean answer to a Strokes/Beatles/BummerI’m-Angst-Ridden question that nobody except SATAN ever asked, their comeback single, is frankly hilarious.

W ELVIS: Tender-Bender email: bastian@gairrhydd.com

of you might be thinking “Who Firstly: “Don’t listen to the are the Vines anyway? I radio,” Nicholls warbles, over thought their second album ma gruntara detuned same the was shite, you’re raking over they peddled four years ago desperately old wounds there when being a cunt from overBastian!” seas was decidedly ‘in’. Let me remind you. The first OK. since I just listened to album, the Darwinian contrayour ditty, which, last time I diction that was Highly Evolved checked, was being promoted was hideously bad. The followON THE SAME RADIO YOU’RE up, the ironically-titled Winning LISTEN TO NOT ME TELLING Days was even more hideously NICHOLLS: TO, you want me to turn my bad, a waking-up-to-find-youA Vine One to radio off and listen to sometongued-The-Elephant-Man talk thing else. Alrighty! How about kind of bad. The third opus is other of number t signican the hardly going to be a bands who can fart out a Shawshank level of more convincing riff in their redemption, is it? Travelodge lobby than the s luxuriou their in could Vines Record no. 27 - Elvis Presley - Love Me Tender cotton wool palaces? Some

hat many people of our generation don’t understand, is that Elvis Presley, by the late sixties, was past it, over the hill, dead in the water, and a hundred more cliches. What, thankfully, most of our generation does understand (well done, guys) is that Elvis Presley is, was, and for all eternity, will be, a nonce-faced chin-chundering toss-a-lot king cunt of the highest order, who basically tore the musical integrity out of the gobs of barn-stormingly black performers, stuck it down his own throat and

Crime - Being Elvis Presley

passed it off as pioneering white-boy-rock. Only that wasn’t his fault, Lordy no, he was just told to do that by his bosses. Which is even worse. The 1968 comeback “special” saw Elvis emerge from the wilderness years of not-quite-being-such-a-megalomaniac-doofus, and propelled him into the Viva Las Vegas burger-guzzling assface as stereotyped by a million impersonators (gotta love them too for choosing The King’s embarassing career-half to replicate). God, how special. I’ve selected Love Me Tender, because not

only is it the single worst song out of the Encyclopedia-Brittanica index of sneery rock ‘n’ roll balony Elvis back catalogue, but on the Comeback Special rendition of the track, the hapless duffer couldn’t even sing the damn thing properly. And changed the lyrics. And basically urinated a metaphorical big fat ‘fuck you’ over all the hopes and dreams any self-respecting fan might have had of the living legend painting the silver linings on his rapidly blackening career clouds. Uh-hu-huh!

“Without the film accompanying it, the Donnie Darko soundtrack is just a wank eighties goth ‘hits’ compilation for divvys, discuss”

34 M u s i c

ENVELOPES Free Jazz

WE ARE SCIENTISTS It’s A Hit

Hmmm, kraut-rock electro-fun popcore(n) might go some way to drawing these sounds together. NaziNintendo-core might go elsewhere. This is good stuff, if a little worrying as well. 6/10 HS

With a burly bass riff and jumpy guitars, WAS have written another song managing to be catchier than bird flu, but a million times more enjoyable, it’s definitely a hit. 8/10 TB

Brille

THE STROKES Heart In A Cage Rough Trade

“Don’t teach me a lesson, ‘cause I’ve already learned,” snarls Casablancas, over heroic drumming and bristling guitars in this positively venomous, wholly confident cut from the boys’ latest. Fantastic. 9/10 JS

MAXÏMO PARK I Want You To Stay Warp Records

Trendy Newcastle band emerges with catching beat-driven single. Northern vocals merged with unforgettable musicianship make this an ideal single for a British film soundtrack. Bold, British band with strong musical staying-power. 8/10 SM

DUELS Pressure On You

Playlist In association with Xpress Radio

Nude

Like being strangled by the collective ghosts of every shite British indie band of the last ten years, pushed up in the corner of some faceless indie disco. Horribly awful. 2/10 JS

Virgin

GORILLAZ Kids With Guns/El Mañana Demon Days

These tracks make a fantastic double A-side from the ever-brilliant Gorillaz. Some of the old pop sensibilities have been left in the sketch book, but the song writing on display is some of the best (and also darkest) the animated four-piece have delivered so far. El Mañana is essential listening. 8/10 MR

THE YOUNG KNIVES Here Comes The Rumour Mill Transgressive Records

Created in Andy Gill’s secret laboratory, this is post-punk with a wickedly sinister sense of humour. Lacking the hook of last single The Decision but still a sharp, fantastic track. 7/10 TB

THE CRIMEA Lottery Winners On Acid Warner Bros

Never mind lottery winners on acid; this sounds more like Blackpool pleasure beach on acid. Like those songs that are lack-lustre but also quite uplifting, without the uplifting part. 3/10 WS

MEW Why Are You Looking Grave? Sony BMG

Seven versions and two videos on one single is a bit much. Powerful, growing bounty erupts from this song up into your ears, it’s then wrung through various grinders and repackaged over and over. 6/10 HS

JAMIE T Betty And The Selfish Sons EP Virgin

Part indie-boy rapper, part rock ‘n’ roll street urchin, Jamie T is an exciting, weird, but ultimately wonderful musician, and with Betty… may have perfected that oh-so-popular ‘everyday bloke’ sound. 8/10 TB