Quench - Issue 36

3 VO L .

36 E U ISS CH MAR N 3 1 D IA G UA RD E N T 0 06 2 ST U E IN AZ M AG T H E OF YEAR

KANYE WEST

AMERICA’S HIP-HOP SUPERSTAR TAKES CARDIFF

MYSTERY JETS, MOGWAI AND ¡FORWARD, RUSSIA! EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEWS

ST DAVID’S DAY

DISSECTED FOR THE AMATEUR WELSHIE

N I L R E B N E B WIR LIE EL G O W IL D IN B ER LI N AV TR , ES H AC O R P AP AS TH E W O R LD C U P

PHOTOGRAPH: GRAEME PORTEOUS

QUENCH.GAIRRHYDD.COM

Contents CARDIFF UNIVERSITY

the gair rhydd magazine

04 06 07 11 12 14 22 26 27 29 30 37 41 49 50 52

Best Student Publication 2005

quench@gairrhydd.com

Best Student Magazine 2005

OTP: Cue angry letters from the MI5 Mr Chuffy: Dan Brown vs Lionel Blair Interviews: Magical mystery tour Debate: Chivalry? Dead Mate Fashion: Wife beating Travel: Don’t mention the war Features: All’s well that Taffs Well Blind Date: Student Me-Dear Going Out: Shits and giggles Reviews: Kanye kick it?

Music: Don’t feed them after midnight Books: Egger-do Film: Preferring Bert and Earnie Cult Classics: Tiny cities made of ashes Arts: Tell me why I don’t like Mundis Digital: iPod, I saw, I conquered

Editor Will Dean Executive editor Tom Wellingham Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan

Sub-editors Sam Coare, Catherine Gee, Chris White, Graeme Porteous Arts Kim O’Connor, Rebecca Child Blind Date Sarah Ahmad Books James Skinner Columnists John Widdop, TV Gareth Cult Classics Matt Turtle Debate Helen Rathbone Digital Sam Curtis Fashion Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker Features Kerry Lynne-Doyle, Hannah Perry, Tom Howard, Helen Thompson Film Catherine Gee, Ryan Owen Food Sian Hughes Going Out Lisa O’Brien Interviews Xandria Horton Mr Chuffy Andy Johnson Music Sam Coare, Harold Shiel, Greg Cochrane Photography Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou Travel Bec Storey, Amy Harrison Contributors Luke Sellers, Will Schmit, Ben Bryant, Joanne Grew, Ruth Mansfield, Helen Thompson, Andrew Mickel, Chris Rogers, Chris McConnell, Sofie Jenkinson, Rosaria Squeglia, Finn Scott-Delany, Jadine Wringe, Ruth Manning, Steve Dunne, Richard Lombardo, Phillip Ashton, Ewen Hosie, Will Hitchins, Kirsten Hinks, Chris Pickup, John Lott, Emily Kendrick, Annabel Lee, Harry Rose, Jaff McBiscuits, Dan Ferguson, Brodie Lyon, Jeremy Parkinson, John Maher, Huw Davies, Tom Brookes, Mike Richards, Jenna Harris, Sophie Robehmed Proof readers Jess Anderson, Chris Clear, Elise Kirke Cover design Will Dean Thought of the week: Honk!

13 03 06

3

QED

O

ne of the worst things about being a hermit in the gair rhydd office used to be the lack of interaction with the real world.

Alas, Our Mighty Leader decided that the time was right to invest in a television to make sure that we don’t miss any breaking stories while we are concentrating on such heavyweight issues as ‘Student wins iPod’ etc.

This has brought up a few interesting points. It now means we don’t have to make feeble excuses to nip downstairs to watch big telly events like the Brits or the Champions’ League.

It also means that whenever someone is brave enough to flip the channel over when something good is on, eg. Neighbours, or last Thursday’s Charlie Brooker’s Screen Wipe, the whole office quickly collapses to a halt. Deadlines, schmedlines.

Thirdly, having Sky News or News 24 on all the bloody time means you realise how utterly, mind-numbingly, pointless rolling news is.

Par example, at some point after the Sercuritas heist (‘cause it’s always a ‘heist’ isn’t it?) Sky News had their helipcopter, the Skycopter (!) following a police van that was escorting some of the accused to prison for at least an hour.

What did they think was going to happen? That in mid-transit the robbers would climb onto the top of the vehicle, pull out a bugle and parp out the theme from The Italian Job before leaping to an escape?

Yeah, exactly. When levels of analysis descend to viewers emailing in saying “X is political correctness gone mad,” (as I witnessed last Tuesday) you know something has gone wrong somewhere.

Here’s an idea, let’s get the presenters of the news bulletins away from tea-time talent contests (I’m saying nothing about Just The Two Of Us) and back to their day jobs. Let’s spend the money the Beeb plough into News 24 on more programmes like Planet Earth and Screen Wipe.

There’s one exception though - Sky Sports News. Absolute genius.

4 One Trick Pony Recycled ‘I was really drunk I don’t remember any of it’ too often? Then Fake Alibi could be your saving grace. Here you can hire an ‘agent’ to fix the matter of cheating on your boyfriend. This website is “The world’s only legitimate alibi service.”

From providing phone messages to authenti-

13 03 06

cating ‘conference’ booking documents, the site provides “a service which can help protect your loved ones from undue anxiety.”

Other insecurities can be quashed by hiring a private investigator to note your partners every move, or if the shit has really hit the fan Fake Alibi can arrange a paternity test.

www.fakealibi.co.uk

FAKE ALIBI: Helping you to commit adultery professionally

webwatchatquenchdotcom

eek w e h t f o p Sna

I.Q.

BY HEATHER CASEY

Pop quiz hot shots, are these sinister looking characters: a) Trying to assassinate the Queen? b) Trying to assasinate people trying to assasinate The Queen? c) Waiting for bird flu ridden ducks to pass over Cardiff?

(OVERRATED) SAYING ‘TO BE FAIR...’

To be fair, the phrase ‘to be fair’ isn’t quite as annoying as sister phrase ‘fair play’. But T.B.F. is the worst example of footballer lexicon creeping into everyday speech. Hey, objectivity isn’t that bloody important. Why does everything need to be fair? Life isn’t fair, so your sentences don’t need to be either.

INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT what we know and what we’re not quite so sure about

OSCAR !"PLANET EARTH - David Attenborough outdoes himself baby polar bears! !" GUIDE and they sh DOGS - They’re dog s ow blind p - brilliant. eople arou nd !"PHOTOGRAPHY - Get snapping guys, cameras are the new mobiles with camera phones st band to !" BATTLE - The be rsity since, ive Un nt Ke of come out yway er... They’re super an !"GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK - Who says political drama is dead?

!"THE QUEEN- Down at the bay getting booed. Good.

Get ready TIONS n !" ELECable to walk dow e e b n o t e o n m o to s t without the stree a telly harassing s dressed a ote. v a r fo you !"HEADLINES - The Sun and Mirror have had the identical headlines three times in three weeks. Silly sods. !"TRAINS - Especially those filled with lairy rugby players who throw beer at each other for four hours. Yuk.

PAEDO-THEMED PARTIES: What better way to offend distressed relatives and sensitive liberal types tackle media taboos than to attend a party where the theme is paedos in pop. Chris Morris would be proud. Here’s hoping that any photos taken on the night will come back to haunt attendees in a few years’ time.

RAZZIE (UNDERRATED)

BAD WEEK FOR: KATE MOSS. After thinking she’d escaped the worst of her tabloid roasting, The Sun led twice last week on, rather preposterously, the ‘fact’ that she smuggled royhpnol in a Faberge egg and took cocaine in Nelson Mandelas house. Better luck next week then Kate.

WELSHWORDS WWW OFTHEWEEK

do something useful whilst in Cardiff - learn the native tongue with Quench...

IS THIS DISCHARGE EDIBLE? A YW’N BOSIBL BWYTA’R RHEDLIF?

“

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Bjork couldn't make it because as she was trying on her dress Dick Cheney shot her” The super-brilliant Jon Stewart in his role as presenter at this year’s Academy Awards.

WANTED

Quench is currently on the lookout for a cartoonist/artist.

So If you fancy getting your work printed in this illustrious publication, just email us on: quench@gairrhydd.com

quench.gairrhydd.com

all this rubbish online

OTP

5

CATHERINE GEE

Drunk & disorderly

A

pparently, students aren’t drinking as much as they used to. According to the BBC recently, a new study showed that, rather than spending many daytime hours swigging pints in the union bar we’re all heading for the gym and learning to cook proper.

They also reckon that one in four students are teetotal. Now, I don’t know about you but I couldn’t apply that particular figure to the people that I know. I doubt I could name more than two. Although, religious students probably make up a lot of that number.

The idea that there’s less daytime drinking seems more likely, though, during the night time hours, pubs seem as busy as they’ve ever been. And it’s not like there isn’t much to do in Cardiff. They certainly don’t seem to make any less noise outside my bedroom window in the early hours.

I’ve lived on one of the busiest streets in Cathays for over two and a half years and only recently have the drunken louts singing, shouting and cavorting really begun to get on my tits. Maybe it’s because I’m nearing the end of my degree and I’m becoming one of those grown-ups. Or maybe they’re actually getting louder.

I’ll admit it’s probably the former but I can’t be the only one to think that running down the street at 2am screaming your head off and waking everyone up is just rude. I know there’s this big necessity to make yourself look fun to your buddies but couldn’t you just, you know, rise above it?

Well if the rumours are true then they have my support. At least yoga doesn’t make as much noise.

the guest column the guest column the guest column the guest column the guest column

0, 19, 56, 48, 3, 13, 45, 69, 600, 75, THE350, MAGIC 3873, 412,NUMBER 7, 2, 35, 26, 475, 9, 3, 567, 3783, 34623, 3, 7, 585, Sunderland’s 60, 38, - Number of non-stop piercings 3000 Kam Ma373, had before 16, 4638, 97, 11, 789,going 12,into 59,shock 34

Interviews

interviews@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

7

Keeping it Rhyl

Kerry-Lynne Doyle got in touch with Welsh actor Mathew Rhys' Welsh roots after the St David's Day celebrations

W

elsh actor Matthew Rhys prepared for a rather novel St David’s Day. Famously patriotic, and one of Wales’ brightest acting talents, Matthew sadly didn’t celebrate Wales’ national day on the green green grass of home.

“I was in Los Angeles,” he laughs, “as a lot of us actors are out there this time of year. Early spring is pilot time for the TV stations so that’s where I was.”

But being absent from Wales didn’t stop Matthew from indulging in a bit of hiraeth this St David’s Day. “A few Welsh actors usually get together to celebrate. We wear daffodils of course, if we can find them.”

Born in Cardiff in 1974, Matthew has forged a career on both stage and screen after completing his training in the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art (RADA) in the early nineties. Since graduating he has accumulated an enviable CV, which includes appearances in hit films such as Very Annie Mary, roles for the Royal Shakespeare Company – and playing Benjamin to Kathleen Turner’s Mrs Robinson in The Graduate on the West End. And with two major films, Love and

Other Disasters with Brittany Murphy and Decameron: Angels and Virgins alongside Mischa Barton, set for release later this year, Matthew has another impressive year ahead of him.

But as his star continues to rise he certainly won’t be forgetting his Welsh roots.

“

Being Welsh is enormous to me.

I’m very proud of my country “Being Welsh is fairly enormous to me and I’m very proud of my country,” he says.

“It’s difficult to define but it’s almost like breathing in that it’s such a big part of who I am. I have an enormous pride for my country and I really realise that when I’m working away from home. It’s only then that you realise just how enormous Welsh culture is to your life.”

Aside from acting in major films and on the West End, Matthew has

stayed true to his roots by performing in Welsh films and plays - a commitment that he is keen to continue when the right project comes along.

He says: “A Welsh film is scarce on the ground but I absolutely love taking part in them. Films define other people’s ideas of your country so it’s incredibly important to take part in Welsh films and to make sure it’s the right film too.”

While Matthew is keen to be flying the flag for Wales, he is happy to see others doing it too, including his best pal and ex-housemate Fantastic Four star Ioan Gruffudd.

“When you consider how small a country we are it’s quite amazing to see so many Welsh people out there putting us on the map,” he says. “I always feel proud to see another Welshman or woman flying the flag.”

And although Matthew wasn’t on home soil to fly the Welsh flag this St David’s Day, he does have some good advice for anyone visiting the Welsh Capital: “Go for a traditional pub and drink the local brew. Somewhere like the Goat Major is ideal as it really has that traditional Welsh atmosphere. So go, drink up and enjoy.”

8 Interviews

The Storys so far

Kerry-Lynne Doyle gets the lowdown on one of South Wales' most up-and-coming bands, the Storys

S

teve Balsamo is no stranger to the music industry. After receiving his first taste of fame starring in Jesus Christ Superstar on the West End, Steve stepped away from musicals and signed a record deal in order to make it with his own music.

Enjoying success with the single Sugar for the Soul in 2002, he soon fell foul to the demands of his record company – an event which he is keen to avoid with his latest venture, the Storys. A six-piece band of Swansea musicians, the Storys put Steve’s experiences to good use, by deciding to release their album independently earlier this year.

“It’s almost a cliché these days that record companies sign you and you get dropped but I’m not bitter about it at all,” says Steve. “I survived unscathed but when we were approached by a few record companies, we wanted to put the record out ourselves. There’s a lot more kudos if you do it that way.”

Formed in 2003, the Storys developed their west coast sound from their mutual love of country rock.

Taking the lead from their heroes Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles, they share the main vocals. Wanting to sound “retro without being ironic,” the

band recorded their album in The Hall, a renovated cinema in Glyncorrwg, to create the perfect old school record.

“By putting the album out ourselves we could make sure that it sounded the way that we wanted it to,” says Rob Thompson, one of the band’s vocalists and guitarists.

“It does sound old-fashioned and anyone signing this album would want to take that away from it. But that’s what its charm is.”

Recording in The Hall also brought

“

I think Wales produces more music than any other country in the UK because of our musical heritage something quite unexpected to the album – a ghost. “We brought in eight string players to play on the album and one of them was complaining of being cold all afternoon,” explains Steve. “When we had photographs of the session developed there was this eight-foot grey man standing behind her. The faders kept being changed

too so it really was bonkers.”

Ghostly apparitions aside, the Storys are staying true to their Welsh roots. After supporting Tom Jones at his Pontypridd Park gig this summer, the band remain grateful for their homeland’s influence on their music.

“I think being Welsh we’re allowed to be musical,” Steve asserts, “as it is part of our heritage."

“Music runs through Wales. If you look back to the Manics, Stereophonics and forward to bands such as the Automatic, you can see that their music is very melodic. I think Wales produces melodic music even more so than any other country in the UK because of our musical heritage.”

And with the recent news that the band will support Elton John on his stadium tour this summer, it seems that Wales’ influence can only mean yet more great things for the Storys.

Steve reflects: “We feel very lucky and very blessed that we can actually make music as we know how competitive it is. “We love it and we’re just so bloody lucky to be able to make music and get it out there.”

The Storys’ self-titled debut album is out now. Copies are available from www.thestorys.co.uk.

Interviews

9

Straight forward

Will Schmit gets a taste of life on the road with Leedshailing band ¡Forward, Russia!

W

ith more hotly-tipped new bands being announced than I have pants, it’s a fitting time to introduce you to iForward, Russia!: a band who will no doubt be routing through your ear canals, before wedging themselves into your eardrums this year. ¡Forward, Russia!, a four-piece from Leeds are Whiskas (guitars), Rob (bass), Katie (drums), Tom (vocals/synth), and I caught up with three quarters of them while on tour.

Although now rising to the rock ‘n’ roll ascendancy, ¡FR! have had to battle through touring whilst not having a record deal. “It’s not a massive thing I suppose, it just means Whiskas had to do a lot of the jobs himself, whereas if we were signed there would probably be a few people doing his job,” Rob concludes.

Tom does imply some of the more everyday activities are made more difficult with the lack of any record label though. “We bought a highly old Transit van and everything’s went wrong with it. It broke down and got stuck in Amsterdam for two weeks, so we had to start our tour without any of our own instruments because it was all in Amsterdam.”

However, it doesn’t all seem bad, with ¡FR! hailing from Leeds, arguably one of the most promising music scenes at the moment with the Cribs, Kaiser Chiefs, and the Sunshine

Underground all emerging in the past year. “There’s a lot of camaraderie in Leeds, if you go out you’ll probably see a band you know, especially in The Well, a local pub where the Kaiser Chiefs’ Peanut used to work,” Tom explains. “They used to serve me when I was underage, Peanut wasn’t having any of it though,” jokes Katie.

“

We’re all from different backgrounds and we look different as people.

The immensely bearded Whiskas isn’t present at the interview due to his commitments in pretty much organising tonight’s gig, but Tom gives me an insight into Whiskas’ other involvement, in Leeds’ Dance To The Radio label. Katie pipes up, “Basically he’s the boss, but he’s got a few people helping him out now,” before Rob manages to get in a quick plug: “There’s going to be a new compilation coming out soon, featuring about 20 bands, the tracks are sounding good and it’s all going really well.”

At this point I felt it was only right to suss out the bands’ views on Whiskas’ inclusion in the NME cool list. ‘He’s Big Brother cool, not NME

cool’ Katie sums up. “Ask him a question about cricket or something,’ Rob teases, “let’s just say he’s uncool.”

One thing that strikes me is that I’m sitting in a room and all band members are wearing the same Tshirts, something that has become quite a cult with the band and fans alike. “We’re all from different backgrounds and we look different as people, and when we wore them people were just like, yeah, you really look like a band and gel together.” Katie jokes, “It stops me having the problem of what top to wear. Imagine how late I’d be otherwise.”

One aspect that distinguishes ¡FR! from other bands that are receiving this tag of ‘hot new band’ is their choice of song titles, opting for numbers instead of words. “To begin with it was just a way of labelling the different parts of songs and then it just stuck,” Tom illustrates. “You can’t always name a song if you don’t know what the hook in the chorus is. That’s another thing, we don’t have hooks in the chorus anyway,” Katie points out, before Tom and Rob immediately argue: “Yeah we do, of course we do.”

So for one of this year’s most highly promising bands, just how hot are ¡Forward, Russia!? Well, with the backing of Radio One, NME, and MTV2, and their intense and energetic live shows, they’ll be nothing other than on fire.

10 Interviews

Mysterious charm

Luke Sellers delves into the surreal world of the Mystery Jets as they opened the Cardiff Leg of the NME tour.

S

ecure Cabin Doors For Take Off. “Zoo time! Zoo time! Zoo Time!” An eerie, tribal chanting fills the Great Hall. Onstage strides a boyish man in an oversized leather jacket, a couple of Dickensian street urchins, a hyperactive Indian and what appears to be someone's Grandad (he is in fact the lead singer’s dad). One of the urchins starts beating a ferocious rhythm on some old pots and pans at the front of the stage and the Mystery Jets kick off the Cardiff leg of the 2006 NME Tour leaving many of the audience completely baffled. “I think it's a lot to take in first time you see us,” reasons bassist Kai Fish.

Rather than be deterred by the difficulties of being unknown to many in the audience the band have embraced it. “There's nothing to lose and everything to gain, though its been hard, like an army boot camp,” claims Kai. Previous NME tours have seen rivalry and disharmony between bands, so has there been any bad blood between this year’s line up? Kai: “There's no competition because the music's too different, we're mates with them all.”

The Mystery Jets are a band brimming with new ideas and concepts.

They use old dustbin lids and kitchen items as percussion instruments, record in strange places such as staircases and bathrooms and wanted to do their album tour in aircraft hangers. What is the next unusual scheme the band have devised? “We want to

MYSTERY JETS: Fans of the great outdoors

MYSTERY JETS: The guys in action

do an acoustic tour in churches and cafes. We'll do matinee gigs and evening gigs in every town,” enthuses guitarist Will Rees. “We'll turn up like troubadours and serenade people, even busk. We might even play at country pubs!”

The mention of country pubs sparks Kai back into life: “Ah country pubs! We've got a book that takes you to pubs with the most amazing food ever! You get to go to these towns you've never heard of where the people are like three foot tall.”

Surreal as the conversation has become such is their boundless enthusiam that it is hard not to become entangled in the madcap world of the Mystery Jets. It is this ability to include you in their warped, romanticised world that is at the core of the bands appeal.

This is evident in debut album Making Dens. “Every song is like a den, a little world you can escape to for that period of time,” explains Kai.

“These songs belonged together, they're like a chapter of our lives,” continues Will. “It's been a long time coming and now it's out in the world it's quite scary.” What are their ambitions for the album? “We want to sell as many as we can, to reach a lot of people,” says Kai.

“

Every song is like a den, a little world you can escape to for that period of time Not content with living in the present the band are already thinking about their next adventure. “We want to go to Istanbul and use one of theirbig orchestras,” declares Kai. The Mystery Jets: so crazy they might justwork.

Debate

debate@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

11

Is chivalry dead?

S

YAY

tory #1: A couple of months ago I was at my girlfriend’s house. One of her female flatmates was talking about her boyfriend. More specifically, her chivalrous boyfriend. “He always has to walk me home,” she said. “I know it’s dark and it’s late, and a long way, but it’s kind of… patronising.”

Okay then, chivalry’s dead. I admit it. Feminism killed it off. It died a long-overdue death at the hands of the independent career woman, sick of being bought carnations and Milk Tray and other cheap clichés; who told me she could damn well buy her own lunch; who got down on one knee and proposed; and who pulled out a strap-on so that I’d know what it’s like to be penetrated (Now That’s What I Call Emasculation™!)

But chivalry was rubbish anyway. I mean, let’s take Valentine’s Day as a case-in-point. This is the last remnant - the degree zero of chivalric culture. This is where it all happens. We buy flowers, we buy chocolates, we seduce and destroy. All women are ‘the grateful type’.

They must be taken out to films and meals and fully paid for. So as the men spread their peacock feathers and try to outdo each other in manly displays of chivalry – because, let’s face it, that’s what happens – the women can kick back and suck it all up. Guys – it’s time to move on. Women have changed. Men must adapt to survive! Quick, before they get our sperm!

Story #2: I was at a club a few days ago with a bunch of my friends. The dancefloor was crowded, and I saw an argument kick off between one of my girl friends and another girl – we shall call her Guinevere. Guinevere, mashed beyond coherency, decided to try to punch my friend, and drunkenly collapsed on the floor long before her Lancelot arrived to kick off with me. Welcome to the 21st century (she’s no woman, she’s a whoa-man etc).

Let’s face it, girls don’t need rescuing anymore, and in the days that they did, the only people they needed saving from were ponces like Lancelot (the real one, not the drunken yob). The Lady of Shallot. She turns around to tell Lancelot to quit prancing around on his horse and fuck off (can’t you see I’m trying to weave? etc) and then she dies for looking at him. This is why superfeminists hate men. Anyway, I don’t care ‘cause I’m reinventing myself as a metrosexual übersexual (amongst other bon mots [sic]). I’m gonna moisturise and stuff, it’ll be great.

Last point? Cut to Valentine’s Day, and my future flatmate’s just told me the average man spends about ninety pounds on a girl. Damn, they’re smart…

Ben Bryant

I

NAY

s Chivarly dead? I blooming hope not. Not because I am a spoilt and needy girl who feels that it is a boy’s duty to buy her flowers and treat her to candlelit dinners five times a week, but simply because chivalry is a thing that should exist between us all. If that sounds a bit too fluffy and nice for all you tough guys and girls out there then read on before you pass judgement.

If to you the idea of being chivalrous conjures up images of the noble gent rescuing the damsel in distress, or the laying down of a coat over a puddle for ‘madame’ to walk over, then think again. This is the 21st century after all.

Firstly, exhange the word ‘chivalry’ with ‘generosity’. for that is all it is. Being chivalrous is another way of acting with kindness and affection. The idea of being chivalrous has been pulled apart by feminists over recent years who argue that it is condescending and demeaning, yet this implies that they see it as a role being played by men in the first place. If what they believe in is equality between the sexes then surely chivalry is something that could, and should, exist between both males and females. And in any case, is being offered a jacket when you are cold really that demeaning? Is holding a door open patronising? Surely it is just a matter of being polite, and what’s the harm in that?

Disregard gender. Next time you are wining and dining offer to pay the bill, or at least part of it. It is not that the person you are with should have to pay the bill, it is that they should if they want to, so give them the choice. Blokes should be allowed the opportunity of offering to buy a girl a drink without sounding sleazy and guys shouldn’t think of girls as being brash if they take the initiave first.

Being chivalrous isn’t such a bad thing, and it is certainly not something that we should let die out without a fight. Essentially all i’m saying is show a little bit of love, respect, good manners and good will to all men, and women of course!

You, sir, are a cad and a bounder

Helen Rathbone

12

Fashion

fashion@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

Stella:

Reassuringly inexpensive

Stella McCartney’s H&M collection is the latest sell-out high street diffusion range, and her third sports range for Adidas is hot on its heels, but are they worthy of their designer label?

Charlotte Howells goes shopping

D

ue to an extended liaison with my snooze button, I am an hour and a half late for my longawaited 9am shopping date. Luckily when I arrive in the city centre, despite being unceremoniously stood up, the object of my affection is still in attendance: Stella McCartney’s new range for H&M. Unlike London, where gaggles of eager shoppers clambered to bag their own piece of cut-price McCartney, the Cardiff Store is eerily quiet when I arrive at 10.30. Although the chaos of London is missing, there is an evident buzz around the collection, as women quickly collect armfuls to cart to the changing rooms. The assistants, in their Stella promo shirts, are also excitedly talking through mental shopping sprees: “I want the bikini,” says one, despite the relentlessly falling rain outside.

Priced between £29.99 and £99.99, the range is around a tenth of the price of what you would usually expect to pay for a McCartney design.

The tuxedo-style suit comes in at

£80, compared with £800 for a bespoke Stella suit. The appeal of the range is that the clothes carry all the trademarks of her ready-to-wear ranges. A soft, muted palate of teals, jades and gunmetal greys make up the range of silky wrap dresses, oversized jumpers and masculine cut suits. The beautiful cut - the clothes magically drape and cling in a way far more flattering than you would expect, and high quality fabric (think wool and silk as opposed to polyester) - makes these designs feel luxurious beyond their price tag. Stella herself admits to being surprised at the quality of the finished pieces, claiming in an interview with the Sunday Times that it is impossible to tell they are in fact high street, rather than designer.

This isn’t her first foray into the mass market: she has also worked with Adidas to produce gym clothes worthy of the catwalk. This is, however, the first time designs comparable to those she sends down the runway are available for high street prices.

McCartney is the latest designer to

design clothes for the high street; last year H&M teamed up with Karl Lagerfield, a range that sold out within days. For designers who are accustomed to having their designs copied in high street stores, it’s a way to cash in on shoppers’ new affinity for bargain catwalk fashion and design for a market which wouldn’t otherwise have access to designer collections.

Debenhams have long featured diffusion ranges, although the quality of many is dubious and none have had the hype that has led up to H&M’s designer collaborations Although reportedly a sell out, it seems that not everyone was buying for themselves: only hours after the range went on sale, there are 145 items for sale when I searched for “Stella McCartney H&M” on ebay. The next morning, there are nearly 400.

But despite many buyers’ entrepreneurial intentions, the range was ultimately hailed as a success, and the speed-buying chaos that accompanied its launch meant the collaboration made national news on the eve of its

release.

In contrast, her sports range for Adidas has been quietly reinventing work-out wear for three years.

Fashionable sportswear? Surely an oxymoron if there ever was one.

Although they both made clothes, the fashion and sports industries were previously more divorced than Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. The closest sportswear got to style was inventive designs for the flamboyant Williams sisters to play tennis in.

Along with Yohji Yamamoto's Y-3 range, and Alexander McQueen’s collaboration with Puma, Stella McCartney is heading a sporting revolution. Fashion and sport finally get to hold hands, and what a coupling it is.

Before we were forced to choose between two equally unflattering alternatives: the baggy, shapeless, soulless kit, or the too-tight, garish lycra ensemble. Now we can have flattering, functional and downright beautiful, and all just to sweat in. The colours are ones we actually want to be seen in, and with enticing names like calypso (a peachy pink), orchid and dusty rose, the clothes have much more in common with the catwalk than the treadmill. Like her H&M range, the cut and shape of the designs, along with the combinations of muted shades and attention to detail, clearly mark them as Stella creations.

Yes, both ranges are ultimately there to make money, but you genuinely feel you’re getting something worthy of a designer label. Some of the ‘Designers at Debenhams’ range include plain black T-shirts with the designer’s name tackily emblazoned in diamante across the front; hardly something I can see the designer themselves wearing. So thank you Ms McCartney for not saving all your best designs for the catwalk, and showing us that your style doesn’t just look good on celebs, it works on us too.

The Stella McCartney label at H&M reads, “Take me home, put me on, and feel good!” and as I try on the much-hyped trademark trouser suit, I have to admit, I do feel good. Unlike Karl Lagerfield’s controversial collaboration last year, where he was outraged that his clothes were being sold in larger sizes, all of the range seems to be universally flattering (with the possible exception of the drainpipe zip-bottom jeans). If clothes make you feel good, they should be celebrated, whatever the label.

Fashion

13

Fashion to die for

F

ashion weeks rarely pass without controversy, and this year was no exception, as Julien Macdonald re-ignited the fur debate during his London show by sending swathes of fur (and Paris Hilton) down the runway.

Yet Stella MacCartney, being the daughter of veggie extraordinaire Linda MacCartney, is doing her best to single-handedly buck the trend for animal-skinned products.

Spring sees the launch of her new non-animal product accessory range. That means no leather, zilch. Last year her thigh high boots topped waiting lists, and Stella reckons most of her customers didn’t even realise they weren’t leather. We preview the best of her pieces here…

Metallic bum bags?

Well someone has to make them cool again!

Instead of leather, these covetable sandals utilize satin and elastic in their design.

14

Travel

travel@gairrhydd.com

Berlin: You either love it or hate it

13 03 06 The Brandenberg Gate

Travel editors Bec Storey and Amy Harrison blag some free flights and go exploring the gritty delights of the German capital

G

erman textbooks filled with pictures of scary men with moustaches and tragic-looking ‘discos’ have always put me off visiting the land of lederhosen, schnitzel and weissbier.

I’ve heard Berlin described as Marmite, in that you either love it, or hate it. I love marmite, so when the opportunity arose to go to Berlin, I cast stereotypes asides and packed my passport along with an open mind.

The journey from Berlin’s Tegel airport to our accommodation in the East of the city didn’t immediately kindle my passion for the German capital. I forced myself to remember that landing at Heathrow would involve journeying through shabby seventiesstyle suburbs before arriving anywhere nice in the UK. Identical concrete tower blocks lined the eerie streets of the East. I use the word eerie as the supermarkets and shops seem to lack the bustling crowds you would expect to find. No wonder in light of current statistics - Berlin has the space to accommodate a population of nine million people, yet recent statistics reveal the population to be under 3.4 million. Still, there are not enough jobs to employ the city’s inhabitants.

Could it get much worse for Berlin?

The city is also bankrupt. Concrete structures which were to be five star luxury hotels are left derelict and abandoned. Cranes fill the skyline.

As the bus drives through the concrete jungle, sad faces stand at cold

bus stops. It feels as though the one hour flight from Stansted has actually transported us 20 years back in time.

Driving through East Berlin, an air resonant of Eastern Europe abounds.

Yet this city has something so very different from any other Eastern European city I have visited. Based solely on the journey from the airport, I was not convinced that Berlin would be a city that I would long to return to.

The Berlin I had seen so far was dirty, gritty and raw.

How quickly my opinion changed.

On the bus into the city I felt like I was watching the city from within a bubble, as an onlooker, separated from the real world. Walking around the city that evening it seemed a completely different world. Still dirty. Still gritty. Still raw. But that was all part of Berlin’s unique magical charm.

Every corner I turned revealed something new to my eyes. One corner might hide a picture perfect museum, whilst round another corner might stand a single ruin of a building amongst rubble where other buildings once stood.

I stood on a bridge on the Island of Museums in awe. Communist built geometric blocks of concrete stood alongside a neo-classical museum and a cathedral so eclectic in its combination of baroque, gothic and Romanesque styles.

Everywhere oozes with history.

Every street has seen so much action and bullet holes are spattered across

the sides of most pre-1939 buildings.

Berlin is not ashamed of its history.

A strong sense of moving on from the past and learning from what the city has endured pervades throughout the city. The multitude of cranes that fill the sky, are part of the reconstruction of the city in preparation for the forthcoming World Cup. The city is full of hope for the future and looks forward to its regeneration.

Berlin is dirty, and gritty, and raw, but still has its own special, haunting, enchanting, romantic charm. I’ve already booked my flight back.

How to get there Easyjet and Ryanair offer low cost flights to Berlin from most UK airports.

AirBerlin’s flights are a little more expensive so subscribe to their newsletter to be alerted to seat sales.

Where to stay

Generator Hostel: Excellent value dorms from 13 euros/night including breakfast. www.generatorhostels.com Sunflower Hostel: Small and clean with beds from 10 euros/night.

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Travel

AHISTORY CITY WITH I

t is hard not to think of the past when you think of Berlin. It is a city that is steeped in history.

When you think of Berlin, images of graffti covered walls, mass rallies and Hitler’s bunker come to mind.

So what does this city have to offer in the 21st Century? To understand Berlin it is essential to understand the city’s past.

Berlin became a capital in the 1870s when Prussian forces crushed Berlin. The Prussians’ sucess in the Franco-Prussian War (1870-71), placed Berlin at the head of the new united Germany. This new Germany was to face some of the most devestating and famous events of the 20th Century.

In 1914 the Berliners agreed that the country should go war. That war became the First World War. The enthusiasm for war soon faded on account of the death toll. The defeated nation broke into revolution. Social Democrats opposed the Republic Socialists.

The Social Democrats assassinated the leader of the Republic Socialists in 1919 to take power. The coup lasted five days and set the tone for Germany’s fragile future in parliamentary democracy.

The 1920s are referred to as the Golden Twenties of Berlin. The population doubled overnight to four million

15

Bec Storey delves into the past of one of Europe’s most evocative cities

as it became the centre of culture in Europe. The city celebrated radical adventures in social and artistic expression.

Today Berlin is clearly in touch with its roots, and remains true to its heritage. There is a strong movement of creativity which is playing a huge part in its future.

1933 was the beginning of Germany’s darkest history. The Reichstag (Parliament) was burnt down. Adolf Hitler blamed the fire on the communists so as to eliminate the competition. Suspiciously no one ever found the real culprits who started the fire, but one can take a guess.

“

In the Autumn of 1938 Hitler’s army prepared for war This time the public were not as excited. They were still suffering from the last World War with massive financial crippling from the Treaty of Versaille.

Hitler spent the last few days of the war in his bunker where he killed himself and his family. The bunker today is sealed up and under a carpark full of burnt out cars, litter and weeds. A fitting end to one of the most horren-

History is everywhere in Berlin

dous figures in history.

After the war the city was split into four sections. The Eastern sector was controlled by Stalin and the West was divided between the British, Americans and French.

In Berlin’s first election since 1933 the Soviet Democrats won a vast victory driving the Soviets to tighten their grip on the eastern sector.

Many fled East Berlin for the better standard of living on offer in the West.

This was put to an end in the early hours of August 13 1961 when the city was physically divided. Initially the divide was simply barbed wire but a solid wall was built up shortly after.

The wall stayed in place untill 1989 when a mistake was made by an official in a press conference.

Throughout the 1980s there had been much protest across East Berlin. East Berliners demanded travel restrictions between East and West to be lifted and campaigned for a better standard of living.

When the wall came down, Berlin’s population was set to surge.

Apartments, offices and hotels popped up all over the city. The population surge failed to happen, leaving many half-built buildings.

Berlin does not hide its history.

Parts of the wall still remain as a reminder of the city’s past; buildings are peppered with bullet holes and memorials litter the streets.

This is a city that acknowledges its past, by unashamedly displaying icons of its complex history. At the same time there is a sense that the city is moving on into the future in spite of its past.

The divide between East and West is still apparent across the city; it is only 16 years since the wall crumbled, a relatively short space of time.

This is a city that is still learning to be united. And it is making a great start. The former Eastern areas are up-and-coming with its funky coffee shops, night clubs and galleries.

Berlin is a city still under construction. It is ever-changing, making it exciting and diverse.

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Travel

BERLIN:

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Travel Notes

Travel

17

USEFUL INFORMATION City Tour Card: This allows unlimited travel across the city on all methods of public transport. A 48 hour pass costs 14.90 euros. Transport runs 24 hours a day.

New Berlin Tours: These tours run 365 days a year and the best thing is they are FREE. They start at the Brandenburg Gate at 11am and 1pm. They are a great introduction to the city and the tour guides are full of information and willing to answer questions. The company also offer tours to Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp.

See www.newberlintours.com for further details.

‘Ich bin ein Berliner’ translates as ‘I am a doughnut’, use with caution.

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Travel

A city of culture The Reichstag After the unstable history of German politics, the Reichstag has become the iconic symbol for democracy in Germany. The new glass dome is transparent as a symbol of the open democracy. The idea being that nothing can be hidden through glass. Members of the public can walk around the gallery of the dome and look down on the politicians inside, this places the public over parliament.

The Zoo With African and Indian elephants, giant pandas and rhinoceroses, Berlin’s famous zoo may be worth checking out. The zoo is spread over 86 acres of parkland and is the oldest zoo in Germany.

The Reichstag

Coffee Culture

Restaurants

Like many other European cities the coffee culture of Berlin is growing fast. What may seem an unimpressive shop front with darkened windows often unfolds into a room filled with tables with amazing frescos and wall paintings.

The drink to drink is the Latte Macchiatto served in all tall glass with a biscuit. With your drink in hand you can sit back and enjoy the ambience. A good place to start would be near the Kupfergraben Market in Cafe C.

Pergamon Museum

Berlin has some fantastic restaurants. The slow service encourages you to sit back and relax and enjoy your Wein or Bier. A good traditional restaurant is Jules Verne with amazing chefs and fine wine.

Home to many artefacts from the civilisation of Pergamon, including a giant altar from the temple in Pergamon and the Gates of Babylon. The Museum is open Tuesday-Sunday 10am til 6pm.

Architecture

Das Theatre

The architecture of Berlin is extremely varied. Many of the great buildings were built by Schinkel, one of Germany’s finest architects. Much of the recent architecture has been designed through competitions open to the public such as The Memorial for The Murdered Jews in Europe and the Reichstag dome. Such initiatives are intended to place the future of Berlin in the hands of its people.

Kupfergraben This is a great little flea market round the corner from the Pergamon Museum. Here you can pick up records, bric-a-brac and cheap amber and silver jewellery.

Berliner Dome There is normally a charge to enter the Berliner Dome, this is worth it to enjoy the building’s interior. Check the service times and sneak in as a member of the congregation.

Berliner Dome

Tiergarten

Deutsche Staatsoper

Berlin is covered with parks. The Tiergarten was where the Hohernzollern Princes would hunt for deer and boars. It is a beautiful place to escape from the city’s hustle and bustle.

The German State Opera House, built in 1742 by Von Knobelsdorff, hosts a variety of operas throughout the year. Students can get tickets for just 8 Euros.

Graffiti Every corner you turn in Berlin you are faced with walls of graffiti. It really is hard to escape from the street art, especially in the East.

Some of the designs are scruffy and raw, whilst others are beautiful and incredibly detailed.

No fleas at this flea market

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Travel

19

Amy Harrison experienced Berlin’s nightlife... it was a hard job but somebody had to do it

W

hen the moon comes out in Berlin, the city really comes to life. But there is none of that namby pamby getting to a club at 10.30 after spending hours in a pub playing ‘drink while you think’.

When in Berlin, it’s best to do what the Berliners do. Cue the Bier, the Berliner Weisse and crazy shots.

As a country famous for its bier, there is a wide variety to choose from varying in strength with some as strong as 14%.

The alchopop of the bier world, the Berliner Weisse, is regarded with disgust by true bier drinkers as the sharpness and acidity is destroyed by the sweet syrups. If you order one of these the response will be ‘rot oder grün’. The grün (green) being bier flavoured with Woodruff syrup and the rot (red) with raspberry syrup.

As the evening wears on, the best plan is the super-sour lemon shots with ground coffee sprinkled into them. This fine Berlin shot guarantees to have you dancing until the clubs close.

As you sit back in the bars enjoying the ambience, the chilled out music and the bier, the binge-drinking culture of the UK seems a world apart.

This relaxed atmosphere means it is not too unusual to find yourself sitting in a bar until two or three in the morning before even considering which club to head to.

Clubs stay open until the last person leaves which can be as late (or as early) as 9am. Don’t be surprised to find yourself crawling between clubs at 6am.

The mainstream clubs offer a variety of music styles including R&B, techno, house, trance, dance.

Whilst some clubs are found in old warehouses others occupy floors in office tower blocks.

Much of the German club scene is kept underground. As a visitor to Berlin the chances of getting into the best clubs can be hard. Texts contain-

ing the name of a venue and a secret password are sent out to an inner circle of clubbers who then circulate the message. This results in the best parties with a select group of clubbers rather than the mainstream offerings.

No matter how late you leave the clubs the Berlin munchie scene is booming. As well as the most delicious kebabs from the standard kebaberys you will find grounded trains turned into burger vans. Chips covered in the Berlin peanut butter ketchup type sauce are highly recommended.

BARS CAFE ZAPATA is a funky bar with cool decor on Oranienburger Str. and hosts live music and DJs. Oscar Wilde Irish Pub is a tourist haven for those who desire to go all the way to Berlin to enjoy their Guinness. Located on Friedrich Str., Silberfisch is an underground club which feels like a real Berlin club and has live DJs every night. It is open till 8am on week-

ends. OstZone is a raw Berlin experience and avoids being unnecessarily stylish. It hosts live music as well as DJs and is free on a Saturday night.

One of the best things about the club is it stays open all weekend.

CLUBS 2BE CLUB attracts long queues every weekend and has two rooms playing R&B, hip-hop and reggae. This club even has a courtyard where you can take a breath of fresh air from the sweaty dance floor. Week-end on the 12th floor of Haus des Reisens this club provides the best views of the city at dawn. It has a massive bar in the middle and attracts excellent DJs. Maria is a great venue for live music and is highly respected. There are lots of bars spread across several rooms.

Matrix is spread over three floors and is home to various themed music nights including rock, 60s and heavy metal. The club has an amazing cocktail list too.

For just 10 euros the New Berlin Pub Crawl takes you to four bars and two clubs. You are entitled to special drink promotions in each venue: www.newbelintours.com/pubcrawl

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20

Food

food@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

Chocolate Lovers e chocolate so much... lov we y wh es at tig es inv ew Gr Joanne

T

hroughout history chocolate has been associated with romance, pleasure and sharing.

It's rich and creamy flaavour makes it one of the world’s favourite treats.

So after Valentine’s Day when you may have been eating chocolate a present from your beloved, or comfort eating away those Valentine’s blues, we decided to ask a few people what their favourite chocolate bar is...

"Snickers are my favourite because I like Mars bars and you get a bonus of the peanuts! They are also good for energy, I always have one after playing football.”

“I love Galaxy chocolate the best because it’s so smooth and creamy. I eat it practically everyday!”

Sian Hughes, 21, Cardiff Journalism student

"I love Mars bars, they are the classic chocolate bar and perfect for a post-clubbing pick-me-up."

Tom Hamilton, 19, European Studies student

Aled Schiavone, 20, construction management student, Glamorgan Uni

"My favourite chocolate bar is Kinder Bueno because it reminds me of my holiday in Barcelona which was the first time I tried it."

“I love Lion bars because they are just the tight texture and have just the right amount of nuts, caramel and chocolate.”

Jenny Prescott, 19, Lab Technician

Fleur Duckett, 21, Music Student

We provide: - A fast friendly service - Help with loading and unloading - NO mileage charge in Europe or UK - NO driving licence needed - NO problems

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Quench Online > Arts > Bastian Springs > Blind Date > Books > Cult Classics > Debate > Digital > Fashion > Features > Film > Food > Gay > Going Out > Interviews > Mr Chuffy > Music > One Trick Pony > Reviews > Travel > Tunnel Vision

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Features

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13 03 06

Bread of Heaven

As the rest of us recover from St David’s Day festivities, Helen Thompson discovers the history behind Wales’ national day

P

atron saints suffer in St Patrick's shadow; they are often forgotten next to the revelry that takes place on St Paddy's Day. Wales' patron saint is remembered in a less inebriated manner, as a celebration of Welsh culture on March 1.

In the afternoon of St David’s Day 2006, Cardiff City Centre was taken over by a parade of people in traditional dress, driving floats, carrying national flags and playing music, to ensure that no-one in the city could ignore St David's Day. Since his adoption as patron saint of Wales in the 18th Century, patriots have reinforced their links to Welsh culture on this day.

Bethan James, a Cardiff University student, remembers looking forward to the celebrations at school: “We all used to love dressing up; we'd have the day off school, all the classrooms would be used for different activities.

“The girls wore full national dress, and the boys wore rugby shirts and

jeans, until we got to Year Five or Year Six, when it wasn't 'cool' for the girls to still be wearing their full costume so we'd wear rugby shirts and jeans too.

“In secondary school, there would be an Eisteddfod each year. The sixth form would teach the younger years new songs and dances, and the different houses would compete against each other for points, and to become the winner.”

In Welsh schools and Sunday schools, the life of St David, or Dewi Sant, is still taught to children through numerous stories. He was a man who reputedly restored a dead youth to life, and whose path was marked by springs that spontaneously appeared where his feet had fallen.

His was a Wales that had been Romanised after the defeat of the woad-painted Celts; their blue-tinged skin had terrified the ranks of Caesar's army, but they had eventually been overcome by the Romans' superior military skill.

The sixth-century countryside was littered with reminders of the past, from the vast stone Megaliths of the Neolithic Age to the hill-forts of the Iron Age. At the time of David's birth, Christianity was a relatively new concept in Britain. It had only been introduced after the edict of 400 AD that made Christianity the only official religion of the Roman Empire.

David took it upon himself to spread the faith among the pagan Celts of South West Britain, driving the traditional Celtic Gods back into the hills, where they were mostly forgotten, but lived on to reappear spectrally in the fiction of later ages.

It is possible that David was of noble origins, as legend has it that his mother, Non, was a niece of King Arthur and that his father was son of the Prince of Ceredigion.

The blind monk Paulinus taught the young David in preparation for his missionary journeys that took him through Wales, South West England,

Features 23 Cornwall and Brittany, erecting churches and spreading Christianity on his Welsh Cake recipe way.

St David is said to have died in ! Rub 110g butter into 225g self-raising flour to make breadcrumbs. Add 85g 589 AD, having lived for over 100 caster sugar, a handful of sultanas and a pinch of mixed spice. years. His longevity could be attributed to his frugal lifestyle. He reput! Stir in the egg, until the mixture forms a ball of dough, using a splash of milk edly drank only water, earning himself if needed. Roll out the pastry to 5mm thick and cut into rounds. the nickname Dewi Ddyfrwr - ‘David the waterman’ - and ate only bread ! You can use a frying pan, as not many people will have a traditional griddle, and herbs. which needs to be buttered and then heated up.

This apparent lifestyle was somewhat undermined by the claim that he ! Once it is hot, place the cakes on it and turn once. They need about 2-3 minwas also tall and strong, although he utes on each side. They should look caramel brown (although some people prewas certainly strong in mind. His love fer them black). of water extended to a self-imposed penance of immersing himself up to ! Remove from the pan and dust with caster sugar, or split them and sandhis neck in cold water and reciting wich them together with jam. scripture.

The monastery that he foundsh ed near his birthplace at Glyn One Minute Wel da re Bo Rhosyn (‘rose vale’) on the Good morning Prynhawn da banks of River Alun, where St Good afternoon Beth yw dy enw?

David’s City stands today, What's your name?

Jane ydw i adhered to his strict principles.

My name's Jane Sut wyt ti?

His monks worked hard under his How are you?

Da iawn? puritan gaze, ploughing, beekeepVery well Diolch ing, praying and caring for travThank you Pen-blwydd hapus ellers and the poor. y da SAINT DAVID: Fan of Welsh cakes Happy birth Os gweli di’n dda Canonisation requires the perPlease int pe el ga i Hoffwn formance of miracles, and David I would like a beer o gwrw proved his worth at the Synod of ences between England and Wales Llanddewi Brefi, a meeting held to Dydd Gwyl Dewi were emphasised by the creation of decide whether David should be s id' av D St py Hap hapus Offa's Dyke, which runs from the made Archbishop of Wales. As he Day north east to the south east coast of stood to give his speech, a memWales. To cross the ramparts, for hunNorthern Europe was dominated by a ber of the audience called out that dreds of years, meant bloody defiunified Celtic empire. Gradually this those at the back would be unable to ance. empire gave way to the Romans and see or hear David. Immediately the St David has become synonymous the language of the Celts was effaced ground rose until everyone could see with keeping Welsh culture alive. Now by those that stemmed from Latin, and hear him speak. languages of authority and administra- Welsh communities across the world That’s how the story goes, but it is will celebrate by performing a range of tion. Britain was one of the last counall hearsay as nothing was actually traditions, from eating a traditional tries to retain the Brythonic language recorded about David's life until 500 meal of cawl to lighting the Empire years after his death, when Rhigyfarch that eventually became Welsh, State Building in the national colours Cornish and Breton. wrote the Buchedd Dewi, from which red, green and white.

By the end of David's life, Britain most of our modern day information Many schoolchildren will still wear had more or less divided itself into about David is derived. national dress, which consists of three distinct areas: the Teutonic It was after this work emerged that Welsh flannel overcoats, shirts, East, the Britonic West and the David was canonised in 1120, by woollen socks and beaver hats, Britonic-Pictish North.

Pope Callactus II, in view of the miracderived from traditional peasant dress The word Welsh was not applied to ulous happenings that surrounded amalgamated with 18th century the people of this area until much him. It is said that on the day of his fashions. later, by Saxon invaders who used it death, his monastery filled with St David's final sermon advised his to denote people they considered forangels as Christ received his soul in congregation: “Be joyful and keep your eign, or at least those who had been heaven. faith and your creed. Do the little Romanised.

While David did a lot to erase the things that you have seen me do and From 616, and the Battle of traditional religion of the Celts, he has heard about.”

Chester, Wales was mainly independsince done much to maintain their This message has served as inspient and it is from this period that the language, by inspiring pride in Welsh ration to many patriots since and it is Welsh language began to become disculture. still a well known Welsh phrase today tinguished from the older Brythonic Celtic was brought to Britain by that people should gwnewch y pethau language. migrants from the continent. Before bychain - “do the little things.”

It was not long before the differthe Romans took over, most of

24 Features

Eat less of this...

Ruth Mansfield asks whether the increase in food scares is just media scaremongering or should we start to worry?

I

t seems that in every news programme we watch, paper we read or supermarket aisle we walk down, there is always some new finding on what is best for us in our diet.

Whether it is to eat porridge for breakfast, cut out carbohydrates after 6pm or to choose Tesco healthy living over normal brand, constant media attention to which foods are best for us and which are just plain evil have turned us into a diet and health conscious society.

This hasn't been helped much either by the increasing number of food scares which we seem to be made more aware of these days. From salmonella to BSE and, more recently, avian flu, cases keep appearing to put us off consuming our favourite foods. But are they really worth worrying over or do we worry too much? Well, while you tuck into your ready-made lasagne with extra cheese sauce, let me give you an insight into the history of food scares.

Early food scares were usually linked to the use of pesticides and weed killers such as the cranberry scare of 1959, when it was discovered that

aminotriazole, a weed killer used on cranberry crops in America, could produce cancer of the thyroid. This led to cranberry sales being banned in several states, just two weeks before Thanksgiving.

Moving into the 1980s and the then junior health minister Edwina Currie resigned after revealing that most of the UK's eggs were contaminated with salmonella. This led to four million hens being slaughtered, 400 million eggs being destroyed and, unsurprisingly, demand for eggs slumping.

Coming into more recent times and mad cow disease scared the nation in 1995 as the increasing feed of meat by-products to cattle led to more than 100,000 cattle being diagnosed with Bovine spongiform encephalitis (BSE).

This was found to be linked to the deadly human disease Creuzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) and in 1996 all beef exports to Europe were banned. This was lifted in 1999.

However, while food scares have been occurring over the past few decades it appears to be in more recent times that the number of warn-

ings we receive over our food has increased. 2005 bought us the Sudan 1 dye, E-coli and avian flu scares.

The Sudan 1 dye, which was found to encourage the development of tumours when tested on rats, led to a mass recall, last February of food products contaminated with the substance.

This was despite the Food Standards Agency stating the risk was "very low".

E. coli has always been a problem affecting thousands of people every year. However, the recent death of a five year-old boy in South Wales from the disease, and the consequent closure of two schools, again bought media interest to the problem. E.coli, found in foods such as red meat and dairy products, has been linked to 42 schools across South Wales and led to pupils being tested in order to remove all traces of the disease.

The end of the year saw the emergence of avian flu and poultry imports from Turkey, Romania and the Greek island of Chios being banned.

Although Tim Bennett, the National Farmers' Union President

Features 25

...and more of this stressed the case is ‘not a food safety issue,’ the media and government warnings have still created public concern about the disease.

These cases are just a few major examples of the many scares which we have been exposed to over the last few decades. It appears that, as time has moved on, society has changed to become much more conscious of the possible dangers in our food. This could be down to many factors such as the increase in the number of ready-cooked meals being consumed which are more likely to cause food poisoning than fresh products.

Another simple reason for the

“

More than one in four Brits stick to their favourite foods despite the latest scares increase in food scares though could be due to the media and its increasing reporting on the subject. The media is highly influential, and by constantly raising awareness on the possible food scares, the public naturally becomes increasingly concerned.

So how has this affected Britain?

Despite all the government publicity and media coverage, the Food Standards Agency still draws the conclusion that around 5 million people in the UK have some case of food poisoning each year. Yet Britons still do not seem to be overly worried on the possible dangers in the foods they eat.

A survey by the Food Standards Agency indicated that people felt that many of the references to food scares were "exaggerated …and scare mongering," as it led to worries over illnesses when extremely large amounts of the food would have to be consumed for a person to be affected.

The Food Scares and Food Safety Regulation Consumer Research Unit did, however, show one worry in that people felt that with any food scare, there was little that could be done until after the disease had affected a person. They therefore felt that more checks should be made on more foods.

Overall however, Adrian Pickett, Head of Marketing at Geest, a food export company, sums up the feelings on the increasing food dangers, when he describes Britain as suffering from a ‘food scare fatigue’.

"Brits don't like to be constantly told what they can and can't eat," he said, and a Geest poll showing that more than one in four Brits stick to their favourite foods despite the latest scares proves this.

It seems that while Britain is more aware of food and its contents today than ever before, this hasn't put everyone off their food.

Media coverage - the likes of celebrity chef Jamie Oliver and the film Super Size Me - may have put some people off consuming turkey twizzlers and Big Macs, but even as food scares start to hit fresh products, it seems that it's going to take more than a few government warnings or poster campaigns to make Britain rethink its current diet.

Danger Foods!

Which ones to look out for !" " Dairy products can cause salmonella, E. coli and listeria monocytogenes. The latter can lead to flulike symptoms and in extreme cases, death. To avoid this, all dairy products should be kept refrigerated. !" " Eggs can also lead to salmonella, symptoms of which include stomach cramps, diarrhoea, nausea and fever which can all last up to a week.

Cracked and dirty eggs as well as eating raw or runny egg yolks should be avoided. All eggs or egg products should also be kept refrigerated. " Poultry: undercooked chicken is !" another cause of salmonella. Ensure product is cooked thoroughly before eating. !" " Red Meat: undercooked products can cause salmonella and E. coli. E. coli can lead to a syndrome which causes kidney failure. Make sure all meat is cooked thoroughly. " Shellfish and fish can contain !" vibrio bacteria which can cause diarrhoea, nausea, stomach cramps, vomiting and in extreme cases, death. Avoid raw seafood. Normal cooking of the seafood should kill the bacteria.

26

Blind Date

blinddate@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

AMY HARRISON Quench Travel Editor

sion Amy’s first impres of Sam endly’ ‘He was really fri

Blind Date takes a single travel writer from gair rhydd, a single radio presenter from Xpress radio, and sends them on a lunch date @ ‘a shot in the dark’... ...will it be a match made in media heaven?

SAM GOULD Xpress Radio Presenter

Sam’s first impres sion of Amy ‘She had a great smile’

Our two media representatives nervously volunteered to be the next blind date guinea pigs… both never having been on a blind date before sheepishly watched passers by as they walked towards ‘a shot in the dark’ wondering who they would be spending the next few hours with!?

Conversation flowed throughout the afternoon, the pair talked about travel, media, news, radio and university life.

‘We’d both been ed to ‘I was excited about going Sam was attract to Africa so we d an on a blind date, it gave me ng oi tg Amy’s ou talked a lot ity al something to talk about all on rs pe y dl en fri about our trips’ week’ Amy Amy ‘Yeah I’d do it again, Amy normally goes for tall, dark it was fun’ Amy haired guys so Sam wasn’t her usual type of guy… but maybe Would they participate in it’s time for a change...

As expected there was a little blind date fever again, or Gair Rhydd/ Xpress banter. were they scared off for life?

Conversation flowed, the food was ‘Hmm maybe’ Sam good, the company excellent, so did sparks fly and more importantly was there any kissing ‘I gave him a kiss on the cheek when we lef action? t, which I think he was a little surprised by’ ‘Maybe we could meet up So was it a match ma de Sam made contact with Amy a few again as friends’ Amy in heaven or a just a moment days after their date, but whether of sociability between you’ll the gair rhydd and Xp there is love on the radio waves… ress camps? The pair swap to ped numbers but no pla d just have to stay tune ns to meet up again were ma de as yet. find out...

‘Yes I’d like to see Amy again’

ate @ d e h T

Going Out

13 03 06

goingout@gairrhydd.com

27

Stand up and be counted Andrew Mickel tests the comedy waters of Cardiff stand-up The Union

finest abuse to get there, but getting back is a whole other nightmare. Of course, you can head upstairs to the club and put off that problem for a few hours; but you're just putting off the long walk home up Lloyd George Avenue.

Still, amongst the appalling range of venues in town, this stands out as an example the rest should follow.

T

he ideal option for lazy students, CF10 plays host to Comedy Network comedians on most Tuesdays. For anyone who hasn't tested it out, then make sure you've been there before your NUS card becomes distant memory.

Comedians like it as the student audience tends to be largely hecklefree, so they can settle down for a nice easy night. But don't let them off too easily. I've never been happier in all of my life than an evening spent drunkenly yelling the c-word at unfunny bastard Will Smith (the posh one, not the perennial cinema-botherer).

It's a real mixed bag of comedians, from established names on the circuits to up-and-comers. And whilst for every Francesca Martinez (good thing) there's a Dan Antopolski (pointless, hairy thing), it's still a rock solid way to wile away a Tuesday night.

At £4 it's steep for a student night, but the Union prices at the bar mean that you can certainly make up for it in other ways. Just a word of warning, though: make sure you get there well before eight and queue your heart out, otherwise you'll spend the

UNFUNNY BASTARD: Will Smith

“1 2, 1 2”

The Glee Club “Knock knock...” night without a chair, standing up by the loos. All in all, if you can't make it to The Wharf, it's your best bet for comedy in Cardiff.

The Wharf

S

urprisingly, considering this is a relatively new venue in Cardiff Bay, it feels as if it's been there for decades. Maybe it's the ease with which comedians take to the audience of regulars rather than just putting on a bog-standard act.

Perhaps it's the unbeatable mix of established names and first-timers that mix up the evening. Whatever it is, the Thursday night offerings here are the best in town.

Its bizarre layout means that you can get up close and personal with the comedy action, or hide away in its many corners if you're new to this stand-up malarkey. And it tends to be high-calibre offerings, and none of that unfunny bastard Will Smith (enough to make you change your name if you're a Smith. Not the black one.)

Going against it, The Wharf is an absolute nightmare to get to. Grab a map and take some of Cardiff Bus'

F

ew notice The Glee Club tucked away in Cardiff Bay, despite its central location. But, being a Bay venue, this has all the charm of unfunny bastard Will Smith (about six foot tall, foppish hair, pointless existence… you get the idea).

Of course, having huge wads of cash means that they can pull in bigname comedians. It's certainly worth checking out the listings to see if there are any playing that you'd want to see - both Daniel Kitson and Mark Steel are slated to play in April.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to remortgage your house to be able to afford to do so.

The venue is a bizarre concoction of massive space, low roofs, and unfathomably cramped seating that fixes everyone in place like Hell's comedy classroom. The comedians seem so disillusioned with the fact they've ended up performing there that they probably won't be bothered to really interact with the audience. I once managed a solid night of revision for an International Relations exam through Jeff Green's god-awful stand-up without raising his lazy ire once.

On the up side, you can always go early and eat the buffet. Yup, really; the food is the best thing to recommend about this truly foul venue.

Andrew Mickel

Reviews

quench@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

29

IN REVIEWS THIS WEEK

!" Secret Machines, Placebo, The Like and more in albums !" The Proposition, Tsotsi, The Hills Have Eyes and the Pink Panther in film !

Artes Muni preview in arts ! Need for Speed and the video iPod in "City special digital !"Jack Johnson, Battle and the Buzzcocks live !" " Queen get Bastianed !" " Books goes Eggers-tastic in Cult Classics !"

PHOTOS: Luke Pavey

w Revie e Of Th Week

K-WIZZLER: Valley boy in the shadow of death

KANYE WEST CIA Weds Feb 21

W

ell there was Quench thinking that high-profile rap concerts were a near-guaranteed damp squib.

Forget the phoned-in performances of Eminem and Fiddy past, the Kanye West Rolling Thunder Revue is in town. The mongrel demographic of indie scruffs, valley toughs and city roughs wait eagerly in the lifeless hall of the arena.

It’s not lifeless for long. The venerable Mr West loses the lights and teases the crowd with the video for new single Touch The Sky. Is he on? Can’t see him. Where is he?

And then suddenly the bass drops into Diamonds from Sierra Leone and, from nowhere, West is bounding around the stage like the bastard lovechild of Tigger and Marvin Gaye.

He genuinely looks like he’d rather be here in Cardiff on this cold

Wednesday night than anywhere else in the world. Good on him.

Ably assisted by a ten-piece string section (including a bloody harp), West conducts, quite literally at points, his band through the highlights of his two multi-platinum records.

It works stunningly. During We Don’t Care the ridiculousness of 7,000 (mainly) affluent individuals singing “Drug-dealing just to get by,” is tempered by the sheer joy on the faces of West and the crowd.

Unfortunately some tracks, such as career-highlight Gone, lose the drama donated to the album versions by guest artists who aren’t in attendance here (in Gone’s case Cam’ron and Consequence). But, as the crowd begins to relax, Kanye declares that: “The party hasn’t even started yet.

We’re here to play the hits!”

And then it goes a bit mad.

We get the quadruple whammy of All Falls Down, Gold Digger, Slow Jamz and Through the Wire before the crowd collects its breath.

Oh, forgot to mention… throughout the night, Kanye proves his production

credentials by punctuating the gig with samples and bits from other songs.

At one point the world’s toppermost hip-hop star is leaning off the edge of the stage singing along to Aha’s Take On Me. West also leads his miniorchestra through versions of Eleanor Rigby, Bittersweet Symphony and When Doves Cry. Not many other acts could even do this, never mind actually get away with it.

But Kanye being Kanye, once he’s got the audience nibbling from his palms he has to go and wreck it.

During Bring Me Down, a series of disses are shown on the screen behind his head and he trails this song with a pointless rant about how ‘The Media’ make him look arrogant when he isn’t really. Listen mate, you are arrogant, you’re good enough to be arrogant and that’s why we all like you: get on with it.

But, every hero has his or her flaws and for better or for worse West is our generation’s superhero. He then plays Touch the Sky. Long may he fly.

Will Dean

30

Music

13 03 06

music@gairrhydd.com

PLACEBO MEDS VIRGIN

Placebo... Meds... See what you’ve done there...

Sonic Gold SECRET MACHINES Ten Silver Drops Warner

Secret’s out THOSE WHO’VE followed the careers of three young Texan men since 2003’s September 000, take a bow.

Secret Machines have come a long way since that all too brief introduction to the world, and now is the time, nay, their time, to capture the hearts and minds of the world. Like the ever-proud parent, hold your head high; we’ll afford you a wry smile.

Breathtaking, awe-inspiring, jaw dropping: Ten Silver Drops is every clichéd superlative you can think of,

THE LIKE Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?

Geffen

Will there ever be a boy who can swim faster than a shark?

DEBUT ALBUM from girls that actually play real instruments - guitars and everything! And what’s more they aren’t complete shit. Result, you could say.

The Like fit neatly in the gap for all-female groups in rock music using the claustrophobia of Tori Amos and the extrovert vocal leaps of Björk.

Rather than a sit-up-and-listen album

combining to produce something better than sliced bread (honk!) Alone Jealous and Stoned ascends on waves of nurtured rhythm, clearing the path for All At Once (It’s Not Important) to lead its elated march on the aural boundaries reduced to rubble.

Lightning Blue Eyes introduces itself as the quintessential track of year, let alone the record. Its anthemic chorus the consumation of stadium rock and prog’s marriage. I Hate Pretending and Daddy’s In The Doldrums brood and stir the darker side of the equation, their fractured dance stalking the senses, before the haunting echoes of I Want To Know and the climactic 1,000 Seconds chase away the ghosts that stir throughout.

It’s a victory for the mind and soul, and one you’ll want to repeat every day.

9/10 Sam Coare

this prefers to sneak into the background better than men wearing monocles.

June Gloom announces the three femmes; rocky, unlike some remaining songs, but demonstrating their simple rifts and drumming. Forgiveness for thinking you’d heard the chord sequen ces before, but luckily the songs shift to newer less familiar climes.

Waiting is another delight, yet only a microscopic hint of feistiness is in the album with Too Late. The songs are averagely poignant, painting them as frigid teenage onlookers, always the bridesmaids.

Overall not enough absent to render them prophetic, even kitsch, but their saving grace is the sultry singer.

5/10 Emily Kendrick

TEN YEARS after breaking the scene with loser anthem Nancy Boy, Placebo release their fifth album, Meds.

After synthing it up on 2003’s Sleeping With Ghosts, Brian Molko claims Meds is Placebo going ‘back to basics’ – a nice claim, but a complete lie. There are some three-minute poprock singalongs on offer, but Space Monkey, as the title suggests, proves Placebo still like being weird.

This is not a bad thing. Unhinged ballad Pierrot The Clown, which sees Molko confessing “When I dream, I dream of your fists,” is a stand-out track. But the radio-friendly songs provide the highlights: lead single Because I Want You is a cracker, while the title track, featuring VV of the Kills, is one of the best songs of 2006 so far.

There are setbacks. Michael Stipe turns up on Broken Promise narcotically whining “A promise is a promise” like a spurned seven-year-old. But while it’s no Without You I’m Nothing, Placebo have triumphed with Meds.

8/10 Huw Davies

GRAHAM COXON Love Travels At Illegal Speeds EMI

Cox on, Cox off COXON’S THE kind of innocent-faced, shy boy-at-the-back type that it consistently astonishes he can produce so much noise both onstage and on disc. It’s been a while since Blur and one wonders why he ever needed them, so confident is he in his own sound.

His sometimes bouncy, sometimes soft and melodic ditties are pop right through to the core. They’re there to sing to, to dance to and to have a merry time to. Taking us through a little path of his love-strained ups and downs we can all identify a little with what he sings about. 8/10 Cat Gee

JACK JOHNSON Sing-a-longs and lullabies from Curious George Brushfire

Bland is the new Genius LIKE CURLING into a 22-tog feather and down, Johnson’s calming melodies melt down the sides and keep in the warmth but by track five, even an insomniac would be dreaming.

No boundaries have been stretched. Instead it is a predictable collection riddled with the expected signature style despite featuring support artists from Johnson’s latest

HUNDRED REASONS Kill Your Own V2

Infanticide’s overrated IF GOOD things come to those who wait, Hundred Reasons must be wondering when they're bus is due to arrive. Sony left the once-touted great hope of British rock a broken mess, beaten up and left for dead.

Credit, therefore, for the Surrey quintet’s refusal to stay down. Instead, they've dusted themselves down, regrouped and reinvented themselves under the V2 flagship.

The lasting problem with taking such a pasting is damage to confidence. Where the nationally lauded Ideas Above Our Station was built on

NICK CAVE The Proposition OST Mute

In Decent Proposal PERFORMED BY Nick Cave and Warren Ellis, this is the backdrop to a bloody and violent western that perfectly evokes the epicness of the Australian outback.

The evocative Proposition theme makes use of an eerie screeching violin over long silences and the intensifying bassline continues the mood in Road to Banyon. Cave’s melancholic vocals are draped over Moan Thing’s inverted sound and his droning tones

tours, Matt Costa and G Love.

Child-like sing-a-long lyrics and happy rhythms evident in Jungle Gym creep through the blend until a full blown crescendo in The 3 Rs. Sounding like Cardiff Council, he preaches “we’ve got to learn to reduce, reuse, recycle.”

Fulfilling its need as a soundtrack for a young audience but left to question if he has had too much fun with his friends and forgotten that his fan base are no longer three years of age.

Those easily pleased may not be disappointed, but what we want is the same dynamism, texture and maturity which he has achieved before.

6/10 Clare Hooker the foundations of three cult EPs, Kill Your Own comes on the back of the critically panned Shatterproof Is Not A Challenge, and the cracks are on show for all to see.

They evidently can still talk the talk; Doran's vocals continue to range from the soothing serenity of The Perfect Gift to the melodic hardcore of A Better Way? But the walk lets down the disguise, being as unconvincing as a drunk marching a white line to prove his sobriety. Previously convincing romps are reduced to (albeit) hearty stabs that lack any real conviction.

“What have you got to offer?/I'll just sit here hoping to be found/This is the chance I've taken,” Doran philosophises on The Chance. While it's hardly the Russian roulette of gambles, the results could ultimately prove just as fatal. Split pot at best.

6/10 Sam Coare persist with Down to the Valley as swirling violin blends with quivering piano. The Rider is a ghostly opus as Cave eerily sings and whispers about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and we sense the sparseness of the Outback. In Martha's Dream the rumbling piano noises evoke danger, whilst the recurring piano and jarring feedback in Queenie's Suite suggest redemption.

The Proposition evokes the sentiments and emotions in the film but as a separate work it quickly fades into the background and is forgotten.

7/10 Ryan Owen

Music

31

GIANT DRAG Hearts and Unicorns Interscope Horny buggers THE DEBUT album from LA duo Giant Drag is an energetic but thoughtful and eclectic collection of songs.

From the sparkling guitars of lead single Kevin is Gay to album-highlight the more riff-heavy You're Full of Shit or the quietly evocative Everything Worse, the range of material keeps hold of the listener, not succumbing to the repetitive trappings of similar NME-hyped retro shite.

The confidence and strength of Annie Hardy's vocals work with the minimalist lyrics and against the power of the dirty guitars, and whilst I'm still trying to figure how Micah Calabrese manages to drum and play bass-synth simultaneously, for now I'll just look a bit confused.

At times reminiscent of My Bloody Valentine, at others perhaps a little bit too derivative of PJ Harvey, but that's hardly a major point of criticism, Hearts and Unicorns is recommended to those who like their rock restrained but still fun, intelligent but not boring.

7/10 Jeremy Parkinson

32 M u s i c

M

ogwai are capable of inspiring the sort of devotion that bands so rarely receive these days. They have been peddling their wares for nigh on ten years now and have a back catalogue anyone in their right mind would be proud of.

They have their own studio called the Castle of Doom, are managed by Alan McGee and have released some excellent records through their record label Rock Action. Their latest effort, Mr. Beast came out last Monday and should be penetrating your minds as these words hit your eyes. I spoke to Stuart Braithwaite, the closest thing Mogwai (a largely instrumental outfit) have to a frontman, about what it’s like living in a world of Scottish post-rock-noiseexperimentation.

Beastly

Harold Shiel talks with Mr Beast himself: Mogwai’s Stuart Braithwaite Having heard tell of how frightening and awkward ‘Holy Stuarto’ can be to interview, I was tense from the off, expecting to be told to ‘fuck off’ before even getting a chance. I was, therefore, pleased to discover he was quite the opposite – an unassuming,

The Castle Of Doom

friendly, excellently-accented gentleman. In January Mogwai played a fivenight stint at the ICA in London: “It was a bit weird but the promoter just gets us these things and we go along wih it. The first night was a bit crap but the rest were great and the new stuff got a good reception.” The new album - Mr. Beast - is certainly more powerful than Mogwai’s output of late, smashing through some of the loudest sections since Young Team. It turns out Martin Bulloch, the drummer, even got tendonitis from batting hell out of his kit for so long, leading to their having to use a drum-machine on a couple of tracks. They also got in a new member (Graeme Ronald) to cope with the new record on the road: “I didn’t know him, he’s a friend of Barry’s but luckily he was a nice guy, it’d be a nightmare to spend a year on a bus with him if he wasn’t.” I went on to ask how erstwhile “big bloke” Barry Burns lost so much weight: “I think he just gave up junk food”. So there you are, the perfect diet.

I enquired as to how the partner-

ship with Alan Mcgee came about.

“We’ve known him for a good while now and he’s a fan of the band, after Rock Action we didn’t have a manager for Happy Songs.... I thought we handled it pretty well and Alan was there giving us advice and he said how he didn’t think the album had done very well. I thought it had but I don’t have high expectations. He then offered to sign us and a record deal’s a record deal.” McGee has since spouted that they’re the best band he’s worked with since My Bloody Valentine.

When I asked him about the ‘Blair: is a Pie’ T-shirt he lazily said, “We wanted something worse as I think he’s the worst thing since Thatcher but we’d already used ‘cunt’ for Bush.” While this hints at his angry, controversial past, these days he seems happy to sit back with his wife, tend to his two dogs - Rambo and Princess - and release excellent records.

Mogwai have soundtracked a new film Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait. (release date TBC) - Mogwai take on the Royal Albert Hall on Sept.

22. For tickets: www.seetickets.com

Music

BATTLE Louisiana, Bristol Monday March 6.

PHOTO: Will Dean

UPSTAIRS IN THE Louisiana it’s barely big enough to have a pint, never mind throw a sold-out pop party. But Battle, formed at Kent University, did their best to squeeze everyone in.

After touring relentlessly for about a year now, Jason Bavanandan's troops ought to be tired, but you couldn't tell.

They used to be called Killing Moon, after the Echo and the Bunnymen track, and the Ian McCulloch influence is still clear.

From opener Feel the Same, through brilliant singles Isobelle and Tendency to the singalong closer Children, the band inject so much

THE BUZZCOCKS Carling Academy, Bristol Friday March 3.

THE BUZZCOCKS ARE one of few original punk bands surviving today, but constitute the open Pandora's Box of (gran)dad-rock. Pete Shelley bounces about the stage with exuberance like his former self, voice to boot, spurting forth classics such as Orgasm Addict; a criminal ditty confirming that, disturbingly, at some point in their day, parents were having 'jiggery-pokery' and quite frankly enjoying it?

TWO GALLANTS Barfly Tuesday Feb 21.

IT'S IRRITATING THE way people discuss how well the British music industry is doing - as if they're commenting on the performance of the FTSE. Kaiser Chiefs (Topman) are recommended; James Blunt (M&S) has had a good year and Paul Weller (British Gas) is congratulated for his contribution to growth.

Anyway, an antidote to this Henmania-like parochialism is a good American band on the road.

33

JACK JOHNSON Cardiff Int. Arena Thursday March 2.

BATTLE: Bloody Mayhem energy into their material that by the end of the set the singer's face is barely visible under a window of sweat.

A trip to South by Southwest should prevent them slipping from the radar. It'd be a shame if they did.

Will Dean This turns the front five rows into pogoing maniacs crazier than square spoons, chanting every 'woah!' to What Do I Get, while Steve Diggle cringingly over-uses pointing into the crowd between chords.

With barely a breath between tracks, continuity could not disguise the fatal flaw; punk rebellion just does not sound so raucous when coupled with the thought of varicose veins and Darjeeling on the tour bus. Support act Gear, without even a single to their name but an eagerly awaited album up their sleeve, had earlier shown why they look set to carry the mantle the Buzzcocks will eventually leave behind, although even this couldn’t hide the detrimental damage not a solitary whiff of Ever Fallen In Love left behind. Emily Kendrick Frisco youths Two Gallants come complete with a James Joyce reference (the name comes from a short story about inadequate men on the take) and an elaborate mix of moody Americana, Guthrie and Cash pastiche, and Irish-jig-punk. Bob Dylanguitar and Meg White-drums improbably combine to create a sound as wide in scope as Arcade Fire, but from two people.

A near-full Barfly witness singer Adam Stephens in full throttle, hollering his literate lines, in time with drummer Tyson Vogel. Simply a band as American sounding as they come, and that's a good thing.

Harry Rose

DEAR JACK, I'm writing you a poem so you can watch your back, People say you're dull as books but they should cut some slack, You stand so quiet, up on stage, so mild, and so gentle meek, The flowers, and trees and (erm) fish on screen, damn they are unique.

Taylor is a funky treat and Breakdown sweet as pie, Good People taps my foot and Cupid makes me cry.

So keep on strumming all your bonfire gems, my lad, And ignore the critics' snipes, You are the voice of the normal folk and the travelling types.

Jaff McBiscuits

THE FEELING Barfly Wednesday March 1.

“IN CASE YOU haven't noticed, this is a bit cheesy, but we don't give a fuck about that,” announces The Feeling’s front-man Dan Gillespie Sells, bravely ignorant of the constrictions of modern rock-snobbery.

These guys aren't afraid to push the boundary. They mix almost choral vocals and sweet harmony with thumping drums and heavy guitar.

They enjoy rocking out at the same time as crooning ballad-like, heart-felt lyrics. There's even some Status Quoesque head banging. With a hint of self-deprecation they pull all this off beautifully, much to the enjoyment of the crowd.

Difficult to categorise, this band is fearless of mixing genres. While performing, they avoid a potential musical malfunction by combining just the right amount of prog-pop with light rock and anthemic choruses. The Feeling are the Stilton cheese of the pop world. They're distinctive, slightly superior to their other cheesy counterparts and leave behind an odd but surprisingly pleasant aftertaste.

Annabel Lee

34 M u s i c HOWLING BELLS Barfly Sunday Feb 26.

JASON MRAZ Cardiff Int. Arena Monday Feb 27.

OPENING FOR JAMES Blunt is surely a daunting task. The relatively unknown Jason Mraz fails to turn heads as he shuffles towards the centre of stage and addresses the heaving masses.

To his credit, Mraz's light humoured acoustic performance somehow

Folking Fantastic ISOBEL CAMPBELL The Point Wednesday Feb 22.

THE FORMER BELLE & Sebastian cellist performed solo material, including tracks from new album - a collaborative work with Mark Lanegan. These songs in particular captured the wistful innocence of her voice when juxtaposed against the gravelly tones of a masculine singer (a great performance from Eugene Kelly in Lanegan's role).

The gig displayed an impressive range of folk styles; from slower bluesy dirges, to upbeat traditionalsounding pieces. Campbell took centre stage without the baking of Kelly's vocals and this, unfortunately, was the weaker section of the set, as alone her voice can sound slightly twee.

That said, her high-pitched and fragile-sounding voice was well utilised against the dark tone of many of the lyrics; particularly in one track in which child-like vocals were set to the tinny sound of a schoolhall piano creating a disconcerting air of innocence. Jeremy Parkinson

KING CREOSOTE The Point Saturday Feb 25.

BRIGHT EYED AND bushytailed from his recent support dates with Belle & Sebastian, King Creosote wanders on stage with what I believe to be the evening's habitual red wine.

Later it transpires that it's actually red wine and Coke; this is exactly the kind of twisted logic you find threaded beautifully throughout his music. Yeah, it means you get drunk slower but god damn it tastes good.

Being in the presence of individuals this talented singer is quite simply a pleasure, causing many an open mouth around the room. Fantastic use of vocals; from intense layering to stripped back spine tingling solos, making melancholy beautiful in the way that only the Scottish can.

Grounded in folk and bluegrass it is probably for the slightly older red wine drinkers of the world, particularly those with a penchant for genuinely fabulous accordion playing (as opposed to the sea shanty kind.) An unusual and awe inspiring hour to say the least. Sofie Jenkinson

caught everyone off-guard, and by the third track the bewildered audience succumb to a frenzy of applause.

Much like Blunt himself Mraz’s songs are instantly likeable pop gems.

Surely it won’t be too long before Mraz is playing to adoring audiences like this himself. Dan Ferguson

idol band-ter King Creosote

WHAT A DAY for the Howling Bells all that could go wrong, did go wrong. The Barfly was empty, the sound system was playing up and half the crowd left after the local band in support gave up the stage and it’s not that they were good, just had a lot of friends. It did not bode well. But it worked.

Their music is of the gutsy melancholy variety (it's afforded them comparisons with PJ Harvey), and the minimal crowd provided a perfect setting.

Juanita Stein's haunting vocals had a resonance amplified by her demure stage presence, yet she did not steal the show. Rather guitars and bass were each in turn afforded their moments to shine.

Howling Bells take the 'less is more' approach - and they've got the talent to back it up. Brodie Lyon

1) If you could be anyone in the world for 24 hours, who would you be and why?

“If I could be anyone in the world for 24 hours I'd be one of the few remaining World War I veterans - just to have a memory of what that whole nightmare was like knowing that I'd get out alright. ” 2) If you could have a signature piece of equipment, what would it look like?

“My signature piece of equipment is my red Crucianelli accordion - is that what you meant?”

3) What’s your favourite album of the last 12 months?

“Rocket DIY by King Creosote.”

4) When and where was your happiest moment?

“My happiest moment was May 12 1999 at around 1.20am in Dundee when the Ninewells Hospital midwife handed over this perfect little baby girl and said "there you go, dad!". I'm in Dundee now about to load our gear into the Uni, typing these replies into a Blackberry that has my daughter Beth as a screensaver, so it all makes sense.”

5) If you had a TV channel, what would be on it?

“If I had my own TV channel I'd have Scalextrix motor racing events, re-runs of schmaltzy movies, and alternative 80s pop videos.”

YEAH YEAH YEAHS Gold Lion

THE CRIMEA White Russian Galaxy

Yeah Yeah Yeahs are great. This, however, is the sort of thing Noel Gallagher used to write while taking a dump. Saved slightly by a vocal that sounds less like Sheryl Crow after a few listens. 4/10 HR

Eccentric piano track, spoiled by the reedy, faux American accent deployed by the singer. Although pleasant to listen to, the lyrics aren’t quite clever enough to warrant the band’s hype. 6/10 JH

Dress Up/FIction

THE VICTORIAN ENGLISH GENTLEMANS’ CLUB Amateur Man Fantastic Plastic

A twisted art-punk assault of spurting guitar and wailing David Byrne/Frank Black vocals. With its convulsive pounding and clapping interlude, Amateur Man is a guilty addiction that must be shared. 8/10 RO

MARK RONSON FEAT. ALEX GREENWALD Just Exit Music

This hip-hop cover of Radiohead’s classic Just doesn’t do enough. The break-downs are messy and the new chorus melody confuses whatever vibe flows through the rest of the song. And that’s why it really hurts.

3/10 MR

LES INCOMPÉTENTS How It All Went Wrong White Heat

Post-modern rockabilly swagger with a twist of ska, or just noise? It’s a fine line; so damn fine in fact, my head’s feeling a bit abused – but maybe that's the point. 3/10 BL

FRANZ FERDINAND The Fallen Domino

For a band that consistently makes sexy music for people to dance to this is comparatively mundane.

Stodgy guitar riffs and fairly dull lyrics make this a poor single choice.

5/10 TB

THE FEELING Sewn

Universal/Island

Higher-pitched scratchy guitars reminiscent of Snow Patrol’s Run, mesmerising piano, sincere vocals contradicting the “like I mean it” and feelgood, “na, na” lyrics. Seems summer is early. I have the feeling these guys will be soothing The O.C fitties in their shed-like club very soon. Well, I’m certainly sewn on them. (Honk!).

8/10 SR

Warner

Music

35

THE STREETS When You Wasn’t Famous 679

Mike Skinner returns with what you'd expect; witty, catchy and fun, but ranting about how hard it is to pull when you're famous doesn't really feel like the Streets. 7/10 JR

CELEBATION War 4AD

This is the busiest music I’ve ever heard. But busy as in the scene after a plane crash, not the other, more positive sense.

2/10 MR

THE FRATELLIS Eponymous EP Island

Although sounding like a bunch of ASBO-magnet teenage shoplifters, this is a surprisingly brilliant debut effort, full of assured cockiness and absurd catchiness. Juvenile delinquency never sounded so good.

7/10 TB

Playlist In association with Xpr ess Radio

“

Sound Bites

Play most people Al and you get a barely concealed chuckle at a song they believed lived and died in the age of Miami Vice. Wrong my friends, very wrong.

The highlight of Simon’s, 1986 vintage, Graceland album, Al featured a mugging Chevy Chase in the video and is the best song for silly dancing.

Ever.

Rather than praise it for its odd retro genius, I applaud You Can Call Me Al for being a hideously well-constructed pop-song. Oh, and it features a backwards bass solo.

THIS WEEK: WILL DEAN

Quench Editor and resident northerner You Can Call Me Al - Paul Simon

E le

36 M u s i c

Beginners’ Guide

ct

ro

E

lectronica is a rich and exciting genre of music.

Whilst being a slightly obvious term, it relates generally to synthesiser and computer based sounds produced on the periphery of dance music. Most modern and forward-thinking electronica eschews the stereotypically conservative THUMP THUMP THUMP of commercial dance works. It takes elements of other forms (hip hop, reggae, folk, jazz and even metal) slices them and throws them in a moog blender.

Pioneers of the scene included Brian Eno and Kraftwerk. Some critics scoff at the form, claiming it lacks substance and lyrical depth – but electronic composition oozes with humanity, is extremely passionate and incredibly diverse.

From ambient, sedate works by Colleen and Cinematic Orchestra to psychotic drilling (Squarepusher) - production resembles classical styles and pianists arrangement.

Electronic artists thrive in a world of powerful mood music and refreshing, ethereal soundscapes.

John Maher

5

APHEX TWIN

Richard D. James LP (Warp) A great beginning point for those who wish to seek out Aphex – showcasing both the reserved and energetic Richard D. James.

BOARDS OF CANADA

Geogaddi (Warp) Has a chilling remoteness about it – each track is kaleidoscopic, deep and obscure.

Music for Airports (Universal) Now seen as a groundbreaker – Music for Airports was a benchmark in recorded sound,the grand design for so much to follow.

a

KID 606

Kill Sound Before Sound Kills You (Ipecac) Kid 606 is in a beautiful place – a place filled with raga tinged, metal plated gabba and hardcore. Dig in with your ears, and your mind, open.

me Beco ert p an ex £50 with

BRIAN ENO

n ic

MATMOS

The Civil War (Matador) Twisted and serene, two essential factors in well developed electronica.

SASUMA YAKOTA

Grinning Cat (Leaflabel) Japanese pioneer unearths eerie toybox melodies. An intimately personal and tranquil album.

FIVE ARE-LIVE ...

The top five gigs you’d be a numpty to miss...

When: Sunday 19 March Who: Cosmic Rough Riders Where: Cardiff Barfly

Joined by local Quench favourites the Loves, CRR look to recreate the heady sun-bleached days of summer ‘03.

When: Thursday 23 March Who: Dirty Perfect Where: Cardiff Barfly They describe themselves as “art rock Rice-Krispies” - cereal killers. Watch this space for “Prog Cornflakes” “Country Clusters” and “Honey-nut Hip Hop.” Ummmm... milky.

When: Sunday 26 March (Lunchtime) Who: Christopher Rees Where: Cardiff Barfly Barfly prepares to wind down after another heavy Saturday night, we join Christopher Rees in reflective mood for a Sunday lunchtime acoustic set.

When: Wednesday 21 March Who: Secret Machines Where: Solus Secret’s out! New York prog-rocksters stop off in the ‘Diff. There’s a reason they’re Noel Gallagher’s favourite band - it’s that they’re better than Oasis.

Expect bombastic cuts from new long player Ten Silver Drops. Buy us a pint as well if you see us. Guiness for me, Snakey B for Sam and a cheeky Vimto/bottle of Absinte for Harry.

When: Thursday 16 March Who: Young Blood Brass Band Where: Clwb ifor Bach Multi-instrumental, industrial-latin, jazz, samba, hip-hop, rap bombast.

Like Ozamatli getting jiggy with the Polyphonic Spree in a sleeping bag.

Trumpety Trumpety Trump.

Books

books@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

37

EXCITING BOOK TALK:

Word. It’s a McSweeney’s extravaganza this issue, as Finn Scott-Delany and Steve Dunne take on both a stand-alone issue and a compendium of writing from this über-hip literary quarterly. This is exciting.

Why? Well, because it’s edited by Dave Eggers (and dang if I’m not being particularly objective here, but he is a bit of a daddy), and attracts writers as eclectic as Michael Chabon, Zadie Smith and Stephen King. Also! Vimanarama and Smelling A Rat represent the ever-diversifying world of the graphic novel (Bollywood? In a graphic novel? Nah. Yeah!), Turkish and South African writing is explored in 2 Girls and Rachel Zadok’s Whitbread-nominated Gem Squash Tokoloshe, we take a look at the wonderful Isabelle Allende’s Chilean classic The House Of The Spirits, and, finally, immerse ourselves in ‘webcomics’. Phew.

MCSWEENEY’S ISSUE 16 Various authors

project… something to keep me and some friends from a life of petty vandalism and vindictive art criticism,” explains Eggers.

Nineteen issues later, it is regarded as one of the most important literary journals to come out of the US, boasting contributions from Stephen King, Zadie Smith, Ann Cummins and Nick Hornby, not to mention its rich pool of up-and-coming writers.

Collected here is an eclectic selection from the first ten issues, sadly packaged without a corresponding CD soundtrack, DVD, comb, material canvas or any other quirk.

Hamish Hamilton

Featuring Roddy Doyle, Denis Johnson, and a story told in a deck-of-cards. Rad! MCSWEENEY’S IS the literary journal beloved of our cousins across the pond, and edited by the peerless David Eggers. Like Britain’s Granta, McSweeney’s is the schoolyard for a cluster of luminaries on the left field of the literary spectrum.

More than just a book, Issue 16 comes in a decorative hard-box cover, containing a McSweeney’s comb (!); a volume of short stories; a novella; and story printed on a deck of oversized cards that we are instructed to shuffle before reading.

Anne Beattie’s centrepiece, Mr Nobody At All, tells the story of an artist through the perspective of various speeches made at his memorial service. The speakers wrestle one another with their perspectives of his life and work: some sentimental and sycophantic, others abandoning funeral speech etiquette and dwelling on the darker side of Geoff’s life. We discover he satisfied his baser desires illustrating comic-book porn, and spent his last lonely days painting completely black canvases. At the heart of the narrative is an attempt to reconcile conflicting insights into a person’s life without denigrating the reverence that we customarily lavish on the dead.

Many of the tales are touching, though bleak, focusing on death, loss and the disenfranchised. There is the autistic man who tries to help his pregnant sister, but is constantly belittled and undermined by her husband; the university professor who feels dementia set in as he loses the ability to articulate himself and the legless girl who dreams up fanciful reasons for her disability. Some do

“

This diverse collection is unified by a passion for innovation “HIya! I’m Dave Eggers!” demand a great deal from the reader as authors ‘experiment with the medium,’ erring on the wrong side of selfindulgence and leaving the reader bemused. With a focus largely on human relationships and a constant thread of pathos throughout, this is not the easy-lit of the Richard & Judy variety. Perseverance reaps rewards, however, and this provocative collection is a worthy introduction to a host of exciting authors writing outside the mainstream. Finn Scott-Delany

BEST OF MCSWEENEY’S: VOL 1 Dave Eggers (ed.)

Penguin With Zadie Smith, David Foster Wallace, Rick Moody. Swell!

TAKING IN WAIFS and stray authors who couldn’t get published elsewhere, Dave Eggers set up McSweeney’s as a platform for fresh and innovative writing. “I just thought it would be an interesting

From William T. Vollmann’s beautifully philosophical Three Meditations on Death to John Hodgman’s goofy caveman micro-play Fire: The Next Sharp Stick, this diverse collection is unified by a passion for innovation and the preservation of literature as an art form free from the constraints of ‘commercial viability’.

Unfortunately, its strength is also its weakness, insomuch as the quality varies. Too often the work here can seem a little too self-aware, and wilfully left-field. George Saunders’s masturbatory Four Institutional Monologues leaves the reader feeling a little nonplussed, while one suspects that Zev Borow’s earnest appeal for Hawaiian sovereignty was included simply because it was rejected by other magazines.

However, these are minor gripes.

As a platform for innovation and the promotion of new literary talent McSweeney’s, particularly with its embracing of the short story format, is a wake up call to those who dismiss literature as a stagnant art form - as well as an effective combatant in the fight against petty vandalism.

Steve Dunne

38

Books VIMANARAMA Grant Morrison & Philip Bond

VIMANARAMA: Cheeky

Titan Books

Bradford! A genresplicing graphic novel influenced by a multitude of cultures BOLLYWOOD ROMANCE doesn’t often come to the world of comics, but on the form of Vimanarama, things might be about to change. The main protagonist is Ali, a likeable young man from Bradford, whose Indian family background has led to that inevitable event - an arranged marriage.

A surreal battle between the good Ultrahadeen, and the evil forces of darkness for the fate of the world, is merely a backdrop for the real tale of love between Ali and his wife-to-be, Sofia. Laughing may be the only thing on the reader’s mind in the early stage of the story, as Ali’s family drama borders on the hilarious (“I’m wrestling with existential doubt, Omar!’’), particularly appropriate for anyone living in multicultural Britain today.

The light-hearted spirit fades slightly, as Ali deals with serious issues of faith and belonging on a personal level, which are also being drawn out in the broader, though less-important battle over the fate of the world. Ali’s personal journey illuminates some thought-provoking issues, none more so than the often-fabled path towards spiritual satisfaction.

Vimanarama is the latest in a series of genre-busting comics from writer Grant Morrison, whose superlative work on the likes of The Invisibles isn’t quite matched here, which is no disgrace as this book is still hugely original, and unlike any other graphic novel, full stop. Richard Lombardo

SMELLING A RAT Paul Wright Jonathan Cape

Middle England!

Wilfully surreal, very British debut graphic novel IN THIS AMBITIOUS debut novel from writer/illustrator Paul Wright, the story centres loosely around Trevor Gristle and his family.

Trevor is an overly-imaginative adolescent who is constantly fabricating tales of giant crocodiles and woolly mammoths sipping cups of tea.

Imagine the Gristles’ surprise when Trevor comes home accompanied by Ratman: a 7ft tall, insatiably-greedy spotted rat who communicates almost entirely in extremely verbose nonsense.

This book makes Yellow Submarine look like a thoroughly grounded piece of documentary - it is surreal almost

to a fault. However, the relative normality of Mr and Mrs Gristle is a suitable counterbalance and leads to some excellent examples of typically British understatement. In addition, Wright's excellent illustration helps bring depth to the characters with a speed that is impossible in a conventional novel. Wright combines humour and social criticism with excellent effect and seems to have attempted to attack as many social institutions as possible. Philip Ashton

B o o k s 39 GEM SQUASH TOKOLOSHE Rachel Zadok

hood world is flawed at best, and grating at worst.

Although Zadok attempts to achieve the rich sense of culture and folklore which authors such as Alexandra Fuller are able to offer, her language lacks the colour and lucidity which make her peers’ books so emotive.

Pan

South Africa!

Critically-acclaimed debut novel from former waitress Zadok GEM SQUASH Tokoloshe is the story of a South African girl struggling to survive in a world of fear, neglect and mental illness. A promising premise for those who enjoy a lessthan-fluffy read.

However, the fact that the book was once an entry in Richard and Judy’s ‘How to Get Published’ competition hints that the content may be less than challenging.

The book is split into two sections.

In the first, seven-year-old Faith is confronted with her father’s ambiguous departure, as well as the arrival and subsequent loss of her only friend, Nomsa the maid.

Throughout this section, Faith’s mother’s fixation on the occult gradually descends into a state of severe paranoia and mental instability, resulting in a series of tragic and terrifying events.

In the second part Faith, now 20,

LIONS: Possibly from South Africa attempts to reconcile herself with her turbulent past. She is easily recognisable as the long-suffering, neglected and loveless child, and Zadok manages to provoke an appropriate sense of empathy for the character.

The book’s subplot of mythical creatures, such as the Tokoloshe and Dead Rex the bad fairy, will undoubtedly appeal to the masses of readers pining for a new Rowling creation.

However, unlike the bestseller, Zadok’s attempt at recreating a child-

The fact that Gem Squash Tokoloshe triumphed at Richard and Judy confirms my suspicions.

Although the book may fail to fulfil the potential which the genre affords, it still has a compelling enough storyline and the simplistic appeal to sell well. Jadine Wringe

2 GIRLS: In bed. Brilliant dysfunctional family, and goes to live with the beautiful Handan’s dysfunctional family.

The writing style of the book manages to draw you in, and I was all set to see life through the eyes of the story. But then I read on for another ten pages and realized that to get involved in this story would be to slit my wrists and jump from a very tall building. The main character is selfobsessed and should really think of seeking professional help. She starts off as a promising enough manic depressive: “She puts her soul

through the meat grinder twice, three times, the way careful housewives prefer,” but as the book moves on in rather too small steps her actions become predictable and a lot less interesting.

Throughout reading the book I got the feeling that there must be something mind-blowing and completely amazing that I wasn’t quite grasping, but I never did work out what this could be. To give the book credit I did think the last page was a little bit clever with its interpret-what-you-willfrom-this ending, making you think about what it could all mean. That was until it occurred to me that I wasn’t all that interested about what it all meant and was just glad that it was finally over.

I’m not sure who I’d recommend this book to; perhaps to people who worry they may be slightly dysfunctional so they can discover just how stable and normal they really are.

I’d like to finish this with some words of wisdom from the book: “Snake. Nake. Cake.” Beautiful.

Ruth Manning

2 GIRLS Perihan Magden Serpent’s Tail

Turkey! A tale of obsession from journalist Magden, recently adapted for the big screen TAKING PLACE in a contemporary Instanbul infiltrated by Western culture, 2 Girls is, at its simplest, a tale of obsession. It is the week before Behiye is to start University and she is introduced to the beautiful Handan.

They are soon completely captivated by each other, and Behiye steals her brother’s savings to escape her

MAGDEN: Moody

ZADOK: Contemplative

40

Books THE HOUSE OF THE SPIRITS Isabel Allende

Everyman’s Library Chile! Allende’s magical classic is rereleased in plush hardback "FOR MY MOTHER, MY GRANDMOTHER, AND ALL THE OTHER EXTRAORDINARY WOMEN OF THIS STORY...” With these simple words Isabel Allende prepares herself to tell one of the most fantastic real histories of our time.

Set in Chile, in the years before the coup d'etat, in a dream house where it seems time has stopped and will be

WEBCOMICS Will Hitchins immerses himself in the growing world of comics “sans publishers” - oh, that crazy interweb... feel it is time to re-evaluate the comic book nerd. Gone are the days of school-children and twentysomething males who still live with their parents being the only demographic of people who are allowed to enjoy the activity. I’ve been driven to this conclusion by the huge number of well illustrated, well written comics that have emerged over the past few years on the brilliant timewasting tool that is the internet.

I

so for a long time. Here is where Nivea and Severo del Valle live with their children. Clara is the youngest of the family and a clairvoyant, able to speak with spirits, move objects and predict the future. Other characters include Rosa, famous for her beauty and siren-like green hair; Moira; and matriarch Nivea, who strives for female independence and equality.

“

Allende succeeds masterfully in depicting the poetry and magic of a lost Chile This book is mainly concerned with the spiritual and magical bond that endures for generations – between the course of two years it has charted the life and loves of its six protagonists, with a number of storylines running throughout the whole series - one of which is that the universe they inhabit contains a number of superhuman demons… that’s where the traditional comic book kicks in slightly.

A number of these comics are related to music in some way or another, referencing the more obscure side of indie rock. Questionable Content is perhaps the most well known of these music orientated comics with band references and jokes flying thick and fast. It has indeed become so popular that its creator no longer has to work and is able to live on the income from merchandise related to the site. By far my favourite is Everyone Drunk But Me, a lovely four panel weekly telling the story of its creator, Laura Brant, and her trip to Russia. Not only are all these comics well illustrated and brillaintly addictive but best of all you can read them in your room, so no-one ever has to know...

Questionable Content These comics, being free of charge and having no publisher, are able to explore themes and stories that don’t pander to the school-boy market which lusts for superheroes and girls with big breasts and bigger guns. One of the more successful of these web comics is Dubious Tales, a story of six students living together in a run down flat. Every two days another page of the comic is released (normally consisting of about six panels), and over

Andrew James - creator of Dubious Tales

Clara and Blanca, and again between Blanca and Alba. Strong women grow up with the power of spirits surrounding them, protected by an ocean of peace and serenity that Clara is capable of communicating with the delicacy of her soul. These strong women must face a sad reality all too soon, such as the Secret Police, the fear of being placed on the blacklist, or the loss of a loved one. Hope, anguish, appearance and reality all figure in this story by a wonderful writer in an unusual style, and with strong language throughout. In a Civil War background Isabel Allende succeeds masterfully in depicting the poetry and magic of a lost Chile.

Rosaria Squeglia

Everyone Drunk But Me Check out: www.nothingnice.com www.bigcheesepress.com www.dubious-tales.com www.questionablecontent.com Dubious Tales

Film

DIDN’T DODGE DEATH

Jack Wild, the young chap who played the Artful Dodger in Oliver! died last week from throat cancer aged 53.

CHINA PRAISES LEE

Despite Brokeback Mountain being banned in China, the official Chinese newspaper praised Taiwanese director Ang Lee for his achievements with Brokeback Mountain. They said he was ‘the pride of Chinese people all over the world and the glory of Chinese cinematic talent.’

Film News

RENFRO BUSTED AGAIN

SPIELBERG TO TAKE A YEAR OFF

Steven Spielberg revealed that he is taking the next year off from physically directing a movie. Instead, he will continue to prep his Abraham Lincoln biopic and Indy IV.

Once again Brad Renfro, star of Apt Pupil and Sleepers, has been arrested for heroin possession and ordered into rehab. At only 23 Renfro has had repeated drug problems since his rise to fame.

HOFFMAN GETS SAVAGE

Oscar-winner Philip Seymour Hoffman will star alongside Laura Linney in The Savages. Hoffman and Linney will play a brother and sister forced to care for their sick and estranged elderly father.

Shooting starts in New York in April.

SPACEY BACK FOR SUPER SEQUELS

Kevin Spacey confirmed that he will be back for the Superman Returns sequel and possibly a third film too.

Brandon Routh will return as the big S, but this is the first confirmation that Lex Luthor will return.

M ORE Will & Harry

13 03 06

film@gairrhydd.com

More news

The office can get fairly tedious up here sometimes, so a bit of homoerotic singing with renditions of Take That classics make it all good

The lovely oppressors who are Sky decided to buy the rights to the Oscars which left a many of us terrestrial chaps fooked...

41

film@gairrhydd

By Catherine Gee Film Editor

T

he awards ceremonies have now been and gone and, I must admit, I’m glad. I was getting rather sick of the hype. Now at least we can settle down to some films that aren’t pandering to trophy-sized success.

So what do we have to look forward to? Well, one is V for Vendetta which, being all the way out in Cardiff we were unable to bring you a review of, unfortunately. All I can offer is the idea that I think it will be good. And Empire says so.

As you can see from our reviews there also happens to be one or two excellent ‘smaller’ films out at the moment. The Proposition is genuinely one not to be missed, especially if you’re a Nick Cave enthusiast. Also coming up in the next few weeks is The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, Tommy Lee Jones’ directorial debut (reviewed next issue) which by all accounts is a very worthy first attempt.

But not too much time can pass in the movie world without some form of ‘event’ or another. One due to arrive in May will be the release of The Da Vinci Code. Despite not being released for another few months, there are already rumblings afoot.

With the author being accused of pinching his ideas from another book and the ongoing religious issues with the ‘blasphemous’ nature of its subject matter, the premiere at Cannes should be an event indeed.

Coming soon...

SKY

L ESS

" The Out on DVD this week: Out Now - History of Violence !" " Howl’s Moving Castle !" " Harry Constant Gardener !"

Potter and the Goblet of Fire Out at cinemas this fortnight: The World's Fastest Indian ! " The Hills Have Eyes The Proposition ! Transamerica !"

Designed to get you sweating at the mere thought of their arrival: Miami Vice (04/08/06) Starring Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. This was just waiting to be remade I suppose. It’s Michael Mann behind the wheel so let’s give it a shot.

Shooting Dogs (31/03/06) Cracking film about Rwanda. See next issue for an interview with the star, Hugh Dancy.

42

Film

Crash the party

Film Desk’s Ryan Owen reveals the big Oscar winners at the 78th Academy Awards.

HOW WE DID

“

Nick Park and Steve Box

“

J

ack Nicholson stepped up to present the Best Picture award, seemingly destined for Brokeback Mountain.

Shockingly, Eyebrows called out Crash as the winner.

Up until the night before the Oscars, Brokeback Mountain had been the odds-on favourite to pick up the coveted trophy. However, like the situation last year with Million Dollar Baby snatching the same title from The Aviator, Paul Haggis’s Crash did the same here.

Coincidence or not Haggis also wrote last year's Oscar winner.

Cracking cheese Gromit

HOW IT WENT DOWN Movies with most wins

Movies with most noms Films

Noms

Films

Wins

Brokeback Mountain

8

Brokeback Mountain

3

Crash

6

King Kong

3

Good Night, and Good Luck

6

Memoirs of a Geisha

3

Memoirs of a Geisha

6

Capote

3

CRUISE WINS AWARD...

U

nfortunately for Cruise it wasn’t an Oscar he was presented with but instead a ‘Saluting the Celebs We're ALL Sick & Tired Of!’ award at the Razzies.

He must have been busy on Saturday evening because he didn’t turn up to collect his award.

Shame, I would’ve loved to have a shit on his head.

Film Philip Seymour Hoffman

43

Reese Witherspoon "My mum's here tonight and I would like if you see her for you to congratulate her because she brought up four kids alone..."

"My grandmother was one of the biggest inspirations in my life - she taught me how to be a real woman"

BEST ACTOR

BEST ACTRESS

Crash

Ang Lee “None of us expected this. We had a tiny picture, and we opened at the wrong time”

"I just had to do it. It told me so much about what love is about."

BEST PICTURE

BEST DIRECTOR

Rachel Weisz

George Clooney "To come to the Oscars for the first time and be seven months pregnant is quite a thing!"

SUPP. ACTRESS

"I didn't really work on anything because I thought there were four others who were going to win, so... strange."

SUPP. ACTOR

44

Film

There’s more to films than just Hollywood, you know.

Catherine Gee scratches the surface of French cinema

I

f you ask someone what they think of when you say ‘French film’ the first thing to usually tumble out of the responder’s mouth is Amelie.

Agreed, when Jean-Pierre Jeunet made the charming Gallic wonder he put foreign cinema back on the map.

It had always been there, of course, but a lot of people had forgotten.

You can easily associate many things with French films. Sex is one of

BRIGITTE BARDOT: A bit fit

FILM SCHOO L Learn ab out new stuff wit h Film D esk

them. There’s usually at least a bit of nudity, gratuitous or not. Possibly, they like reminding the world that they’re a relaxed nation. A slow-paced plot is often another feature, though it can vary widely. They’ve also been known to push boundaries infinitely more than us stuffy old Brits have.

CONTROVERSY Ask anyone who was old enough to watch grown-up films in the seventies about Emmanuelle and a knowing, blushed smile will cross their face.

Back in the day everyone knew about that film. Unlike Deep Throat of two years previous this wasn’t to be pushed into the porn category, though there was easily enough sex and nudity in it to keep any nymphomaniac happy. It starred the virginal-looking Sylvia Kristel as a young wife who was very sexually curious and not at all impartial to a bit a same-sex romping, nor a bit of public masturbation whilst lying in a hammock. Even today Emmanuelle is discussed as being a turning point in filmmaking.

The nineties and early noughties have also brought further controversy from that side of the channel. La Haine, one of those films which will burn itself into one’s brain, is a comment on poverty-driven problems including racism and extreme violence. The brutal nature of the film made it instantly notorious yet was widely acclaimed.

Even more controversial were BaiseMoi in 2000 and Irreversible (starring Monica Belucci) in 2002. The latter portrayed a rape scene that was shot in one take and lasts nine minutes.

The film, similar in narrative style to Memento, is told backwards, starting out in utter chaos and rolling back to blissful happiness. Yet the final scenes seek to make the story even more disturbing. Two years previously Baise-Moi (translated as Fuck-Me or Rape-Me) had openly courted controversy with its porn-actress co-director and unsimulated, graphic rape scene along with vicious, unfeeling brutality.

It was the first to combine an erect penis with scenes of violence. The

MONICA BELUCCI: Actually Italiian film is banned in Australia, Ireland and New Zealand and was only allowed in Britain with ten seconds’ worth of cuts which included the more graphic view of the rape.

BEAUTY But don’t be thinking that French cinema is all about the controversy. They pride themselves on art house films and have influenced many a mainstream filmmaker. French actresses are renowned for being flawlessly beautiful whilst containing a risqué

Worth a mention Manon Des Sources/Jean De Florette (1986) Delicatessen (1991) Etre Et Avoir (2002) Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001) Man Bites Dog (1992) Nikita (1990)

Film

45

AMELIE: Good, but there’s more to the French than just Audrey streak.

Sophie Marceau (The World is Not Enough, Braveheart), Isabelle Adjani (Possession), Fanny Ardant (The Woman Next Door) and Catherine Deneuve (Repulsion) can all stop many a man’s heart with a mere glance. But it is probably Brigitte Bardot who best sums up their striking effect and the French New Wave.

She personified the wild, sexy but innocent appeal that can entice so many men. Her ‘explosive sexuality’ was considered a bit too raunchy for Hollywood, not that that stemmed her global impact any. Her films were dubbed for an English-speaking audience and she was incessantly hounded by the media wherever she went.

NEW WAVE Bardot was cast by New Wave directors such as Jean-Luc Godard in art house films which have had a phenomenal effect on filmmaking today.

They experimented with editing techniques, narratives and visual style and adopted an iconoclastic approach to traditional cinema.

Prestigious Hollywood directors such as Martin Scorsese, Brian DePalma and Francis Ford Coppola have admitted taking ample inspira-

tion from the French films of the 1960s. Quentin Tarantino’s production company, A Band Apart, was named after the Godard film Bande á Part and its dance scene was a direct influence on the sequence performed

by Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega in Jack Rabbit Slims.

OTHERS Since the 1960s French cinema has rarely dipped in global respect. The

Three Colours Trilogy, starring Juliette Binoche, rates highly in many people’s favourite films and Luc Besson (Fifth Element, Leon) is one of the most popular writers and directors today.

Few who’ve had the good fortune to watch his masterpiece The Big Blue will deny its hypnotic beauty.

Yet this has all merely scratched the surface of an entire nation’s filmmaking and there’s plenty more to be had should the urge take you.

Renault French Film Festival Because French films are rather smashing your local Cineworld is running a film festival. If this has whetted your appetite for a bit of culture then check these out.

Russian Dolls March 10 Starring Miss Audrey Tautou herself.

The Perfume of the Lady in Black March 11 An Italian film. In a French film festival. Odd. Bad Spelling March 12 Teenagers, family, boarding school.

My Angel March 13 Vanessa Paradis as a hooker in Amsterdam.

Cockles and Muscles March 14 A family go on holiday and can’t figure out whether or not they’re all gay.

The Light March 15 A young girl returns to her roots.

Has lesbian sex while she’s at it.

Holy Lola March 16 Powerful work about the export of adopted babies in Cambodia.

46

Film TRANSAMERICA Dir: Duncan Tucker Starring: Felicity Huffman, Kevin Zegers Out 24/03, 103 mins

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t seems that to be a woman and prove yourself in Hollywood you must, at some point in your career, ugly up for a role. Charlize has done it, Nicole’s done it, Gwyneth pretended to be a fatty in that film where she was, well, fat. It seems that for the fairer sex you can’t make it in Hollywood unless you’re beautiful but you can’t be taken seriously unless you’re occasionally ugly. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule but more often than not, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

This time Felicity Huffman, of Desperate Housewives, does her cinematic duty and single-handedly carries an average film by acting her little behind off. When these girls take on the task they certainly know how to prove themselves, when that vital film role finally comes a-knocking, that is.

Bree (ho-hum) is a pre-op transsexual who is living out her life on her own terms and counting down the days until she can finally ‘get her dick turned inside out’. Her only real friend, from what we can gather, is her therapist who refuses to sign the final confirmation on her surgery until she chases up a random phone call she received the night before from a young man in a New York prison claiming to be her son. Bit tenuous?

Yes it is but we go along with it because Huffman is doing such a good job.

When she arrives in New York she makes the last minute decision to lie about her true identity and uses the cover story of a missionary. Then begins ‘the road trip with a difference’ when she takes him back to LA with her after realising the abysmal state his life is in.

Director/screenwriter, Duncan Tucker holds nothing back when he creates the back story for this lad.

Raped by his stepfather, he’s a male prostitute with gay porn ambitions, and a drug-using moody little fucker.

Zegers’ performance manages to teeter on the right side of completely annoying but he remains rather two-

I don’t get it, you’re a woman that’s a man that want’s to be a woman....Eh? dimensional. It’s a role one could imagine Edward Furlong playing in his younger years, although he would have done a far better job. That said, Zegers and Huffman do maintain a healthy, effective chemistry which develops over the course of the film.

Huffman’s character is both impeccably crafted and wonderfully executed. Never one to be a screaming queen, Bree is restrained, feminine and appears to effectively emulate a 1950s housewife whilst still being tough and able to demand respect from her wayward son. That Oscar nomination is well-deserved and it’s no surprise she nabbed the Golden Globe.

Yet, like so many films with blossoming potential, it soon unravels and it does so at its fastest when Bree visits her parents. The role of her mother is poorly written and is sometimes painful to watch. She also seems to cope better than expected with her son’s transformation given his/her lengthy absence with the doorslamming phase lasting only a few moments. From then Bree is only subjected to a few wails and snide remarks.

Had there been a less worthy

actress (or possibly an actor) in the title role then this film could have fallen completely flat. Huffman carries it along and makes it watchable.

Despite the restrictiveness of Bree’s character she still creates a sympathetic audience. Given this is Tucker’s first real film he shows a small light of potential, if he can learn from his mistakes.

Catherine Gee

Film

47

THE PROPOSITION Dir: John Hillcoat Starring: Ray Winstone, Guy Pearce, Danny Huston, John Hurt Out 10/03, 104 mins

THE PROPOSITION: Our pictures are very violent this week THE PINK PANTHER

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Dir: Shawn Levy Starring: Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Beyonce Knowles, Jean Reno

THE HILLS HAVE EYES Dir: Alexandre Aja Starring: Aaron Stanford, Emilie de Ravin, Kathleen Quinlan

Out 17/03, 93 mins

Out 10/03, 107 mins

lake Edwards’ comic gem The Pink Panther was part of the pantheon of cool sixties cinema and the role that made Peter Sellers’ fame in the US. Although largely unsubtle, Sellers carried the film bringing nuanced charm in his part as bumbling Inspector Jacques Clouseau. Steve Martin makes an admirable attempt to bring his own take on a fairly onenote character. Unfortunately, Levy’s Panther comes up short of a whole.

In this incarnation, the Pink Panther diamond is a ring stolen from a French football coach (Jason Statham) killed with a poisoned dart.

As with many modern comedies, the ‘noughties’ Panther goes for more of a sledgehammer approach to its gags, with the slapstick far more relentless and elaborate than before.

Such sight gags have a fairly successful hit rate (the various injury to passing French cyclists throughout is something of a highlight), whilst the woeful sexual innuendo of the Sellers era remains, albeit in a toned down form. Jean Reno deadpans as Gendarme Ponton, the ‘straight man’ to Martin’s buffoonery, and Beyonce struggles in her role as pop star Xania (stretch!).

If you enter the cinema with exceedingly high expectations of The Pink Panther you will leave disappointed. It is at times tired and groaninducing but equally colourful and playful.

Ewen Hosie

T

he recent glut of horror remakes to hit the screens has resulted in something of a mixed bag for horror audiences.

Here, French director Alexandre Aja has taken on less-loved source material in the form of Craven’s daft 1977 cannibal mutant shocker The Hills Have Eyes. He shows respect for the original, but the stylish flair from his earlier film Switchblade Romance is evident here. The film opens promisingly with a violent attack on radiation-suited scientists out in the New Mexico desert that sets the tense mood. We then move to a family of seven (including a baby) with a caravan whose travels through an unmarked road in the New Mexico desert get them trapped and attacked by ravenous hill people mutated by nuclear testing.

The concept is stupid and cliches abound but a knowing audience should be willing to overlook these flaws. Aja succeeds in unsettling the audience and satisfying the gore hounds in equal measure (one can imagine the director’s glee in yelling ‘cut!’ as the red stuff is sprayed in abundance all over the walls of yet another scene).

Tomandandy’s synth soundtrack is fantastic, with an ever-present heartbeat-esque thud that adds to the menace, whilst Aja should be commended for setting a horror film largely in sunlight.

Ewen Hosie

I

n the bleak, dusty, desolate outback Ray Winstone ponders, “Australia, what fresh new hell is this?” The almost flawless Proposition, a western penned by Nick Cave (yes…Mr Bad Seed Nick Cave) is the grimiest, dirtiest film I have seen for, O such a long time.

Set in the Australian outback in the early 19th century it follows Irish outlaw Charlie Burns, flawlessly played

by Guy Pearce, who must kill his elder brother to save his younger. This synopsis seems nothing new, and indeed the plot is not revolutionary but this does nothing to hinder the movie’s brilliance. Danny Huston plays Charlie’s psychotic brother Arthur but the character is acted with such delicacy as to be more of a spiritual figure than the murderer he really is.

The film is also brimming with Nick Cave’s dark comedy, “To the Irish, as fine a race as ever peeled a Potato”.

Watching this film, Australia in the set period truly does feel like some twisted version of hell, you can almost feel the dirt and the flies in the cinema. But John Hillcoat skips from the hideously violent to the elegantly beautiful with such finesse that this film is as merciful as it is brutal.

Will Hitchins

Crying about bedtime when you’re 20: not cool

48

Film TSOTSI Dir: Gavin Hood Starring: Presley Chweneyagae, Mothusi Magano Out 17/03, 94 mins

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n the vein of City Of God, Tsotsi romanticizes young gangsters in this archetypal ‘bad man does bad, bad man sees error of his ways, bad man does good’.

Tsotsi is based on the novel by distinguished South African writer Athol Fugard. The main character Tsotsi (Chweneyagae) is an emotionally vacant street gangster who from childhood has made a living from being violent and taking advantage of the vulnerable in Soweto’s shantytowns. A job goes wrong and after stealing a get-away car he realises he

The DVDon

Reviews you can’t refuse HISTORY OF VIOLENCE Out Now Based upon the graphic novel by those who brought us Judge Dredd, what we have here is an entirely different beast, with an uncharacteristically restrained David Cronenberg offering us a thoughtful, tension-filled glimpse of a small-town American family shattered by the secrets and hidden past of its patriarch (played here by Viggo Mortenson). Or is it all a crock of lies? Fantastic stuff.

James Skinner The Don Says: “I’m not a violent man. But if I were, I would hunt down the talent-free travesty of a human being that is ‘Chico’, and slowly torture him to death by forcibly making him listen to his Number One "smash hit" on repeat, gradually turning the volume up until he’s so hopelessly debilitated that the only words capable of escaping his mouth are its ‘lyrics’. And then I

has inadvertently taken a young infant into his possession. Tsotsi tries to care for the child by carrying him around in a shopping bag and coercing his neighbour a young mother to nurse him. The child begins to thaw his damaged soul, bringing confusion, trouble, and the possibility of some form of redemption.

At times the editing is jarring, the continuity in movement is absent and the story is unengaging and drags. It is technically flawed, but then South Africa's filmmaking community is hardly brimming with talent. It also draws heavily on 2004 Oscar-nominee City of God, but differently the characters are not sympathetic until it is too late.

The power of Tsotsi lies in its buildup to a highly inevitable pivotal scene but the pacing that was previously dragging along is now faultless as it perfectly captures the pure intensity and emotion of the actors. The director’s choice to not go with the, now clichéd, ending where our protagonist is killed after redeeming himself is very powerful and by doing so It

makes the film’s messages of redemption, forgiveness, and personal responsibility all the more powerful.

Gripping stuff but you have to keep with it.

Ryan Owen

would laugh and push him onto the floor.”

the extraordinarily high benchmark he has set himself. James Skinner The Don Says: “My mate Dave reckons cartoons are just for kids, so I told him to check out some high class animated Japanese porn on the internet and now he won’t leave his room.”

THE CONSTANT GARDENER Out Now Featuring an Oscar-winning supporting turn from the delectable Rachel Weisz and a perfectly cast Ralph Fiennes, this tale of evil pharmaceutical companies exploiting under-developed Africa stands head and shoulders above most John le Carre adaptations, primarily due to the breathtaking direction from Fernando Meirelles (City of God). Dismissed by some as a ‘left-wing propaganda’ flick, this is in fact a brave, powerful film, eminently stylish and commendably strong of moral. James Skinner The Don Says: “I would like to marry Rachel Weisz. After our passionate lovemaking sessions I would tenderly caress her back and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.”

HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE Out Now While not quite the equal of Princess Mononoke or the Oscar-winning Spirited Away, Miyazaki’s latest animated opus is no less magical than the aforementioned, though perhaps lacking in the boundless imagination that made those films so special.

Once again though, Miyazaki presents to us such lovingly rendered characters and surprisingly universal, optimistic messages that the only failure here is that of not quite living up to

TSOTSI: Film noir?

THE CANNELONI SPECIAL HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE Rel. March 20

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ith the release of The Order of the Phoenix not for bloody ages yet Potter fans will have to keep themselves occupied with the DVD release of the Goblet of Fire.

Of course, it won’t be as good as it was in the cinema but if you love it you love it. Young or old everyone’s at it, including the cast members judging by the teenage wistful glances and adolescent awkwardness. Though some of us never grow out of that.

This time Lord Voldemort is trying to get to his arch nemesis via the means of an inter-school championsip. All very exciting.

Catherine Gee The Don Says: “I was let down due to the very profound absence of that bundle of love stuff, Julie Walters. It is not the same.”

C u l t C l a s s i c s

classics@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

49

Hey scenesters, clubs, scooters, suits, ravers and disaffected youth. This week: British music scenes.

HUMAN TRAFFIC Rave culture in Cardiff

24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE Madchester and our kid

Stompin’ like

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uman Traffic offers us a glimpse into the dance scene and drug culture of the Cardiff partygoer.

But to what extent does it exist today in Cardiff? How many people here spend their Saturday nights lying on their backs and trying to walk up the wall with their legs after consuming copious amounts of horse tranquilizers? How many dance wideeyed to techno whilst perpetually gnawing at the insides of their cheeks?

Pistols on Mondays

E

very so often you stumble across a film that manages to perfectly capture an entire slice of life. The spirit of Manchester circa ‘76 to ’92 simply oozes from 24-Hour Party People in every way; fantastic for both enthusiasts of the era and for those who haven’t got the foggiest idea what is was all about.

It takes you on a journey from the infamous Sex Pistols gig of 1976 all the way through the stormy seas of Factory Records up until 1992. It paints a fabulously accurate picture of the life and times of all concerned, from Tony Wilson, to Joy Division, the Happy Mondays, and the emergence of New Order. It creates a context in which to understand the music which surrounds us in Britain today, as well as the industry in which it operates.

Michael Winterbottom, Steve Coogan, John Simm et al. do a cracking job of doing justice to this colourful and explosive true story; from punk to Britpop (via the rave scene in the Hacienda) in quite a few, not very easy steps.

Sofie Jenkinson

How much for a 10 bag?

A vibrant rave scene used to exist here in Cardiff, but has largely disintegrated due to growing police intolerance. Some clubs heroically flew the rave flag. First off was Club Vision which featured in Human Traffic. It has a real grimy feel and indulges in hard house and trance. There was also The Emporium, again present in the film. With its dark and dirty décor, and techno and drum ‘n’ bass nights, this club was a hotspot for the hardcore Cardiff party-goer.

Chris Rogers

Calm down, we ain’t scousers

QUADROPHENIA

London, Brighton and rhythm and blues We are the mods, we are the mods etc...

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ods and rockers, punk, ska, emo and rock: the cult identity you choose for yourself is constructed against that which you are not. In 1960s England, a post-war generation of youths were bored, and determined to reclaim a new identity. If you wanted to be different you joined a gang. The Mods: Toni and Guy haircuts, pill-popping parties, smart suits and Lambretta GTs, or The Rockers: marijuanainduced ‘fuck authority’ mentality, leather clad, greasy hair and triumph motorbikes.

Diesel power It was a way of life that was defined by music: The Mods partied to The Who and the Rolling Stones.

The Rockers chilled out to American rock ‘n’ roll, Gene Vincent and the Beatles. Quadrophenia’s cult classic status is emphasised in a soundtrack that poignantly represents these differences, whilst depicting the paradoxically playful and violent mob-culture that dominated the days and nights of cities such as London and Brighton.

In contemporary society we don’t have the same intense broad-daylight musically induced mob violence. We passed through the trigger-happy hiphop bullshit of the 90s, but it was the explosive passion and identity struggle that made the mod and rocker era such a cult classic today.

Chris Mcconnell

50 A r t s

arts@gairrhydd.com

13 03 06

Circus for laughs THE CIRCUS OF HORRORS

ST DAVID’S DAY COMEDY SHOW

NEW THEATRE 21 - 27 FEBRUARY

THE GLEE CLUB 1 MARCH

Just weird

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his has to be the most surreal night of my life. Featuring: A nun playing strip poker with two men dressed as monkeys, who then strip off and swing from the ceiling in skeleton suits; a midget man who decides that, with nothing better to do on a Thursday evening, he should attach bits of metal to his genitalia and end his act by trying to suck it up with a Hoover whilst having illuminated rods stuck up his bottom; and a guest appearance from the man with the stretchiest skin in the world. Nice.

If this weren’t strange enough, parts of the cast would run through the audience in an attempt to cause alarm and distress, yet the effect was somewhat lost when they had to ask “Sorry, can you just move a second so I can get past?”

The night was bizarre and a bit unnecessary. Yet the strangest part of it was that I actually found myself enjoying the show. The key to enjoyment was the realisation that those on stage were prepared to take the mickey out of themselves for our entertainment.

Overall, the Circus of Horrors can be described as tongue-in-cheek, saucy, slapstick for those with strong stomachs and a taste for something a little out of the ordinary.

Helen Rathbone

WOMAN IN A JAR: Riiight

Taffy go lucky

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f you are looking for a pub atmosphere and alternative comedy then the Glee club probably isn’t for you. However, if you are looking for something a bit less studenty then it just might be the thing as the club attracts a more mature audience despite good student discounts.

The acts tonight are all Welsh and of varying degrees of renown. Of the four, newcomer and opener Lloyd Lanagan is one of the highlights. His act is slow moving but funny and he makes for a great warm up.

Chris Cochrane is probably the best part of the show. Big on audience participation, the majority of his set is adlibbed making it quick-paced and sharp. His ability to work on his feet and respond to the audience guarantees plenty of genuine laughs.

Compere Steve Williams also deserves a nod. A Glee Club regular, his comedy is sharp without being obvious and he makes a great break from some of the less exciting acts

PREVIEW The multi-award winning Festen is at New Theatre from 13 – 18 March prior to a major Broadway transfer.

This jet black comedy about dark family secrets generated critical praise on an unprecedented level during its London run and promises to cause a storm here in Cardiff.

Adapted from the cult Danish film of the same name, Festen explores an everyday family dinner in which unfolding revelations build an electric atmosphere that crackles with tension and anxiety.

The New Theatre’s React scheme offers tickets for £5 and student standby tickets will also be available on the night of the performance from £5. For further information or tickets contact the box office on (029) 2087 8889.

STEVE WILLIAMS: Welsh-tastic on tonight’s bill.

The club hovers undecidedly between being a bar and a small hall with its strange lecture theatre-esque seating arrangements. Saying that, don’t forget to catch Mark Steele there next month as he is sure to be brilliant.

Alternative or subversive comedy this isn’t, but with ticket prices starting at £6 with NUS, it’s still an enjoyable, affordable night out.

Kirsten Hinks

PREVIEW This March, the much-anticipated Matthew Bourne creation, Edward Scissorhands, comes to the Millennium Centre, straight from its London premiere.

Inspired by the Tim Burton motion picture, this touching and witty gothic fairy tale tells the story of a boy created by an eccentric inventor who dies leaving him alone and unfinished.

Set against Danny Elfman’s original score, Bourne’s modern stage adaptation fashions a coalition of romance and imagination from a story simple and universal enough to be expressed through music and movement alone. But this is no ordinary re-hash of a cinematic legend; as can be seen in Bourne’s unique version of Swan Lake, re-invention is at the centre of his artistry.

Edward Scissorhands will be appearing at Wales Millennium Centre from 14 - 18 March 2006.

To book tickets contact the Ticket and Information Office on 08700 40 2000 or visit www.wmc.org.uk

Tho mas Demand

Arts

Germany’s Thomas Demand creates scenes made from card and cardboard, before photographing them as real settings.

It sounds like a somewhat glossy exercise, but it’s completely brought to life by the careful attention that creates unsettlingly glossy scenes. They create stunning, bright works that build upon the inspiration of media excess - TV news, the internet and other modern media - to make the most modern and accessible artist here.

51

Mundi Mundi

Andrew Mickel looks at four artists in Artes Mundi

Subodh

ms a i l l i W e u S Representing local art in this international art prize, Sue Williams’ work looks good on paper but that doesn’t translate in the show.

The scrappy canvases of aggressive, fighting pretty women really do make great illustrations. But in person all of the ‘adult’ themes of sexuality and feminism completely leak out of the work, leaving a rather disappointing mess. The whole room feels stale, and it’s hard to shake the feeling that it was only drafted in to put a parochial angle on the whole thing. Whatever the cause, it doesn’t belong in what is rightly establishing itself as a world class art event.

Gu p t a

One of the big draws of the exhibition, Indian Subodh Gupta’s work is closely focused on the changing life of his mother country.

But whilst his work springs from a focus on the caste system, this isn’t a one-dimensional view of what India is, was or is becoming. The real showpieces here are the large scale installations of metalware and a car roof. There’s a powerful and realistic range of ways to look at a varied society and the idea of home without reducing iitself to cosmopolitan ideals.

Di a s & Redw i g

Artes Mundi is free at the National Gallery until May 7

There’s something morbidly intriguing about this young Brazilian and old Swiss man duo.

Their personal films profile people from the edge of society, and when their work is focused on individual subjects, it’s powerful social art. It could do with losing the ‘thought-provoking’ messing around with people’s stories, which all speak for themselves.

Still, along with Subodh Gupta, it provides the base for a real social conscience to the show.

52

Digital

digital@gairrhydd.com

15 03 06

VIDEO iPOD As a new range of ‘fifth generation’ iPods hit the shelves Chris Pickup plays with Apple’s latest space-age gizmo

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he latest gadget in Apple’s infamous range is the new ‘fifth generation’ video iPod. Compact and available in 30GB and 60GB black or white versions this model acts as a standard music player as well as having the ability to display photos and videos. It’s a simple yet elegant device which continues to refine existing iPod technology.

The standard video iPod package contains all the necessary kit to get started, but surprisingly lacks a detailed manual or an AC supply. The iPod is charged from the USB connection at the back of your PC and is designed to be synchronized with iTunes (Apple’s own media player).

After waiting an incredibly long 10 hours for iTunes to convert around 2000 of my audio files into the compatible M4A format, I was able to play with my new toy, plugging it straight into my PC to upload the media library.

The sound quality is what you would expect from a market leader in this field, as is the option to display photos, but there are various drawbacks to the new video playback system. Apple didn’t seem to realize they would sell millions of players. Little effort has been put into making it easy for people to transfer videos to the device. This all-important video function only allows playback of the elusive MPEG4 and H.264 formats.

Apple has used this cunning ruse to

Pod me in the...

Pod me, pod me now force people to pay around £20 extra for QuickTime Pro in order to get basic video conversion software.

There is of course no easy button on iTunes to ‘put DVD movie on iPod’ so users have to go through the laborious processes of finding third-party programs to do so. If you scour the internet for long enough you can find programs that will convert all standard MPEG, AVI and MOV files into iPod format, however it is inexcusable for Apple to not include this function in the packaged software.

Having highlighted this myriad of problems with the software, once up and running the new video iPod is a magnificent piece of technology. You can keep the whole of your media library on this tiny portable device to listen to or watch at any time. The resolution of the screen is simply stunning, running videos at 320x240 on the screen and not losing too much detail when hooked up to a 21” television with an AV cable.

Apple’s claims of 14 hours of battery life for the 30GB model and 20 hours’ battery life for a 60GB are ridiculously optimistic, making it a

Pod me harder necessity to buy an additional AC mains charger for watching long movies.

As always, it is compulsory to buy a cover for your iPod, as even dust will somehow manage to scratch its shiny exterior. Problems aside however, this iconic brand has come up trumps once again and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a piece of technology that delivers so much for under £200.

DEAD OR ALIVE 4 Tecmo Team NINJA XB360

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D i g i t a l 53

No Nipples!

ead or Alive 4 is the latest in a game legacy that rivals that of the mighty Tekken on the Playstation in terms of popularity.

What does this latest instalment add to its predecessors? Not much is the rather disappointing answer.

Despite the 360’s impressive specifications, graphically it remains similar to the original Xbox releases, with only the bare minimum of visual tweaking (material, water effects and hair look quite good).

Crucially, Dead or Alive lacks charisma. Lacklustre sound effects result in bland fights with none of the adrenaline generated by other beat-em-ups and the characters still appear to slide across the ground and around each other mid-fight.

Most damagingly, the fighters have no personality. You never care about characters in beat-em-ups, but there remains the expectation of a coherent story for each and at least some pro-

DEAD OR ALIVE: Haiiiii-YAH! tagonists that don’t fall into the ubiquitous big and slow/small and fast categories.

It’s not all bad. Still present is the ludicrously fast acrobatic action, the well designed arenas and the advanced countering system that have always set DOA apart.

Unfortunately also still present is the depressingly pathetic cartoon nudity that has always felt like a des-

perate attempt to appeal to 12-yearold boys.

While the multi-stage levels and countering system suggest a potentially cerebral experience, the game’s uncharismatic nature discourages mastering these over-complicated features. If you’re interested in computergenerated porn then this is for you. If not, look elsewhere; there are better ways to spend £40. Sam Curtis

NEED FOR SPEED MOST WANTED EA XB360, DS, GC, XB, PS2, PC, PSP The Fast and the Furious MOST WANTED combines NFS's previous styles of pure street racing and police pursuit missions in the freeroaming, freeway-ridden streets of Anytown, USA. Battle your way through the hierarchy of the local ‘Black List’ street racers, winning races and increasing the police bounty on your name to become the number one petrolhead in town.

Need for Speed lives up to its name with all the blistering, seat of your pants style you've come to expect from the title. The races are hardfought, fast and furious and I can't think of a game that looks better on the PS2.

The police element doesn't work as well as the racing, however, and even this becomes repetitive after a near perfect race is scuppered by a traffic collision for the twentieth time. NFS almost unites the raw brainless fun of

NEED FOR SPEED: A poorly implemented police chase Burnout with the measured, realistic handling of a game like Gran Turismo.

But it doesn't quite make it.

Need for Speed gave me hours of fun, but there are better racing games out there and your money would be better spent on them. John Lott

All games provided by CEX near Cardiff Station.

The place to buy, sell and exchange games and gadgets.

WWW.CEX.CO.UK

54 T u n n e l V i s i o n

Tunnel Vision

television@gairrhydd.com

SEE FACTS: Geddit? experience was slightly soured by the fact that my remote control didn‘t have a ‘reveal‘ button so I could never see the answers to the questions.

Many a sleepless night...).

By TV Gareth Jimmy Saville’s Lovechild “THE WORLD At Your Finger Tips,” exclaims the BBC’s Ceefax (‘See Facts’, geddit?), the world’s oldest Teletext service. Fast becoming redundant with the burgeoning popularity of digital television, now would be an appropriate time for a self indulgent celebration of its blocky majesty and the joy it has brought me over the years as the natural midpoint between Hieroglyphics and the internet.

Though my current enjoyment of it is hampered by the fact that a dodgy television reception means every third letter isn’t displayed properly, by no means does this diminish the memories I have of my time spent with teletext over the past years.

My affair began over a decade ago with Saturday afternoons sat in front of Ceefax page 303 watching that afternoon’s football scores update, pressing and releasing the ‘hold’ button every 20 seconds to encourage it to refresh more frequently. I wholeheartedly rejected such antiquated methods as the radio. Who needs full match commentary when you can stare at the screen waiting for the football scores to suddenly jump out at you like one of those internet magic eyes that after staring at it for two minutes, gives way to an image of some wailing gremlin or something?

The teletextual equivalent being the words ‘Full Time’ coming up on my screen on a sunny May day in ’95 confirming Blackburn had won the Premier League.

For a few years I rested on my laurels spending my time between football news and of course Channel 4’s legendary interactive quiz ‘Bamboozle’ (p.390, though sadly this

13 03 06

PRE-INTERNET DATING: Press ‘Green’ for good times Then, sometime in my early teens I discovered just how involved with teletext it was possible to be. Littered across the channels were numerous letters pages crying out for contributions. My first adventure into print came with an email sent to BBC’s ‘The Vibe’ (RIP) asking a question about who sang a song whose lyrics I could only partially remember

(Answer: Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark). The excitement I felt on seeing this onscreen when I got home from school has meant my whole life since has been an anti-climax. I took photographs of the TV screen convinced that one day this evidence of me being published on national TV would take pride of place in my CV (but the bastard camera flash ruined the picture). I then spent the next couple of years emailing Channel 4’s spaztastic ‘Mega-zine’ (p.345) claiming status as a regular contributor and wallowing continually in my self importance.

I wish you could see the nostalgic joy on my face turn to sadness as I explain that Teletext as we know it looks to be on the way out as more and more pages get cut and the impending 2012 analog switch-off means that Ceefax at least, will die entirely. I implore you to enjoy it while you can. Whether you’re looking for recipes, shipping news, TV listings, (‘cause you know you can’t rely on TV Desk for that) or even something a bit more risqué, give Teletext a go. It’s like the internet gone fashionably retro, what could be cooler?

TELETEXT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT!!

THE WILDER DAYS OF TELETEXT: Bamboozle was never this much fun

Mp3 Killed the CD Star, but nobody will stop The...

13 03 06

55

Vinyl Resting Place with Bastian Springs

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Bastian Springs Without an iPod and proud

ast week, a hapless swine from Cocksmoker, Kentucky won a barrel full of shit and a hangman’s noose for being the wonderful young soul who downloaded the billionth legal download from Itunes.com.

The groundbreaking musical achievment of staggering brilliance he paid good money for was, as you probably know by now, Speed of Sound by Coldplay. I won’t dwell on that, since the poor bugger probably meant to download Clocks but got confused since IT’S THE SAME FUCKING SONG. Anyway, the aye-aye genera-

tion is an issue to be consongs on it. cerned with. Not just as a Just because you can sum music fan, but as a citizen of up the two complicated and Planet Earth conscious of the radical hemispheres of your spread of boring fuckfaced iPod-owning tossmongous Jack dreary personality with Bohemian Rhapsody (mood: Johnson--ified cunt-a-rama diswan ker) and Ever ybody Hurts ease which appears to be rag(mood: wet wanker) you don’t ing across the country like a need to parade your underplague of locusts. whelming lack of any positive Albeit a plague of locusts with KT Tunstall’s face gnawing character traits and urinesoaked void of any musical, away at your soul. There are social, and intellectual integrity people in the world who own in a two hundred and seventy digital mp3 players with the pou nds gadget your parents capacity for 25,000 entirely gave you as a ‘fuck off you different, beautiful, wonderful adopted shitbag’ present in my examples of ear massage and face, and then make me listen euphorica, and then put two to it.

Record No. 28 - System of a Down - Viscinity of Obscenity Crime - Self Parody

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or anyone looking gogeyed at the song title, this is the track off 2005’s deluge of turgid excrement Hypnotize that has the lyrics “terracotta pie hey!”

System of a Down are the perfect, encyclopaedical definition of a band having one good idea (barmy freakbeat no-brain spazz-rock with ludicrous redudant political undertones barked out by gobshites who look like a rabid toddler’s Etch-a-Sketch and switch between sounding like an elephant squeezing out yesterday’s supper into a rusty trash can and Julian Clary being

I QUEEN: Mercury Poisoning email: bastian@gairrhydd.com

John Wayne Gacy’s clown sick) and running pants on the day of reckoning. with it... off a short pier.

They’re a veritable twin towers Their tasty self-titled debut of tat. But why? The answer, and 2001’s more-of-the-same Toxicity are reasonable listens, as with anything idiosyncratic is - when it’s good, it’s iconic but after the latter’s worldbut too much of it, and if you ing, ck-nabb megabu sweeping spend four years writing drivel and Chop Suey! overtaking like “banana banana banana Killing in the Name as the bolterracotta” and pretend it’s a lock-nosed Livin’ on a Prayer satirical analysis of capitalist malfor choice of soundalike pornography, you end up SOAD: nourished student anarchists, sounding more than a bit Down The they took a well-earned break. borthe on Shitter In that time, they shat out a stale. So if you’re derline between genius and scrag-ends compilation called diabolical what do you do?

Steal This Album! before spoilYou cross that line and, uncering us rotten with two albums emoniously, stay there. in six months last year. Both of which couldn’t have stank Record No. 29 - Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody more if they were sharing

n a similar vein to System of a Down, strangely enough, Queen peddled self-parodying laughing-gas trump-rock for quite a few years before this monster reared it’s ugly head.

Where they differ from aforementioned, however, is that Queen were utter, utter rubbish before this song, particularly rubbish during this song, and for the most part afterwards, even more rubbish than they were in the first place, only a notably tackier ‘Made in Taiwan’ plasticated kind of rubbish.

To truly understand what makes Bohemian Rhapsody

Crime - Serial Monstrosity

such a cultural artefact, you have to talk to a large slice of the population pie, who all wear sweat-smeared Blake’s 7 T-shirts and baseball caps with plastic turds on, so I didn’t.

Bohemian Rhapsody is a stupid person’s idea of exciting and daring music. It’s a trendy vicar’s idea of jazzing up a sermon. It’s partly responsible for buffoons like the Barenaked Ladies, the fuckasses who sang about wanting to “do it with Madonna” being conceived, and brought up on a diet of high-octane novelty-clown-nose slop.

Listening to it is being at a party, having six radiantly enthusiastic people talking to you simultaneously, and every single one of them being incomprehensible high-camp bad examples of human existence, all with equal quantities of knob-all to say about anything. But boy, do a lot of people want to hear them.

What pains the most, is when you hear the opening bars, it’s the sound of people who don’t know how to have fun, forcing their poor interpretation of it, upon us for seven long minutes.

Jimi Hendrix is an overrated spazz-faced junkie twat. Discuss: email: bastian@gairrhydd.com

6 OTP

WARNING Radio DJ and reality TV judge Dr Fox is not gynaecologically trained.

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

The truth behind the Blair-Brown rivalry

Y

ou do it.” “No you do it, you smelly nonce.” “Don’t touch me you spaz, I’ll kick you in the womb.” “I hate you.” “I hate you more.” “I hate you times infinity.”

“Pull my finger…” is just one example of the continual feuding between Blair and Brown. But why do two of the most important men in the universe despise each other so passionately? Find out now through words.

High Court drama erupted last week when the bitter feud between Brown and Blair sought judicial adjudication from a man in a wig. Jewish tap-dancer Lionel Blair is claiming that trillion-selling bestseller Dan Brown stole his idea of writing books. Blair, real name Lionel Ogus, maintains that he invented books, penning such classics as The Bible and lesbian rompfest Women in Love. Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown denies the accusation, claiming that the idea of books came to him in a library.

The theft of intellectual property is just one example of the Crime Wave much like a Mexican Wave but with rape - which has swept through Britain like a cartoon deity. Crime boffins believe that the crime wave originated from a Carlisle shed and has spread through the country in the hair of children. The epidemic appears to have reached the South East of England following the robbery of a Kent security depot and the largest ever recorded heist of gollywogs. The 53 million gol-

NODDY: In a secluded carpark near you

lywogs were bound for Noddyobsessed Finland but now the Scandinavian country has to brace itself for a series of Enid Blyton lusting child riots. The robbery has caused major repercussions throughout Toy Land with lawman Mr Plod having to disperse violent exchanges between the ever-wobbling Mr Wobbly Man and century-old Big Ears. Noddy, who was tipped for an OSCAR following his role in the romantic comedy Dogging, has flown back from Los Angeles to Gillingham in order to assist with the search for the missing gollies.

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game of Connect-4 with women.

During the video one of the dancers, renowned for his handkerchief waving, is believed to have inserted his mobile phone into the Connect-4 grid. The telephone did not fit as the grid is only designed for those little yellow and red discs.

Albino Rimming, one of the rumoured dancers, believes that the claims of heterosexuality are affecting his stick clashing and has begun legal proceedings against the paper.

Largest ever recorded heist of gollywogs Additionally, Dan Brown is reportedly at loggerheads with Lionel over his recent military campaign in South East Asia. Lionel Blair, who invaded Vietnam for Lent, is believed to be setting up a secret Catholic brotherhood in Ho Chi Minh City and refusing to tell Brown anything about it.

Without the information Brown’s latest novel, The Glitter Code, will be a bit rubbish. On a Saturday night tremorstricken chat show, Blair admitted that he had written to tracksuit-wearing demi-God Jimmy Saville prior to his invasion of The Land of Napalm.

Although Blair did not receive any direct advice with regard to the international legality of the invasion, it is believed that Sir Jimmy did provide Blair with a Jim’ll Fix It medallion, an act which Lionel construed as exoneration.

Blair, a keen dancer himself, has come to the defence of the Morris dancers at the centre of the tabloid accusations of heterosexuality. The News of The World claims to have seen a video where three leading Morris dancers are engaging in a

Collina: Meat Loaf stunt-double Lionel Blair is nothing whatsoever to do with Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell who is under increasing pressure following allegations that her husband is Noel Edmonds. Leaked Italian documents have revealed that Jowell’s husband, David Mills, has been presenting Dealio Ou Non Dealio the Italian version of the hit Channel 4 quiz show Deal Or No Deal for the last six months. Furthermore it is alleged that Italian Prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was a contestant on the show and won much of the Third World after bribing Edmonds with bald football referee Pierluigi Collina.

Asked why she never questioned the regular presence of Mr Blobby in the conjugal bed, Jowell replied that she trusted her husband implicitly and that he seemed “rather fond of his pink and yellow friend.”