Q U E N C H QUENCH.GAIRRHYDD.COM > VOL 4.50> MARCH 5 2007
D IA N G UA RD E N T ST U Z IN E A M AG T H E OF YEAR
ion Quench celebrates its 50th edit by giving you 50 extra-special features
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QUENCH TURNS 50
CONTENTS QUENCH.GAIRRHYDD.COM > VOL 4.50 > FEB 19 2007
QUENCH 50 To celebrate 50 editions of Quench, we give you 50 extra-special features 01EDITORIAL SPECIAL QUENCH CREATOR, ALEX MACPHERSON 02EDITORIAL SPECIAL QUENCH CREATOR 2, TRISTAN THOMAS 03EDITORIAL SPECIAL QUENCH EDITOR (2005-6), WILL DEAN 04THE BLURB THE FIGHT WRITTEN BY FORMER OTP EDITOR, GEORDIE 05THE BLURB WE CHAT TO LOCAL BAND GINDRINKER 06THE BLURB THE LONGEST SERVING MEMBER OF QUENCH TALKS 07DEBATE GIVES YOU THREE, NOT TWO, POINTS OF VIEW 08QUENCH ALUMNI MR CHUFFY 09QUENCH ALUMNI AMBER DUVAL 10QUENCH ALUMNI DC GATES 11QUENCH ALUMNI DR MATTHEW 12FEATURES PRESENT SCRAPBOOK PART 1 13FEATURES ON THE THINGS WE CUT OUT 14FEATURES PRESENT SCRAPBOOK PART 2 15FEATURES ON THE EXTRA THINGS WE DID 16FEATURES CATCH UP WITH THE OLD LOT 17FEATURES OFFER A BIT OF BIRTHDAY CAKE 18INTERVIEWS GIVES YOU 50 QUOTES 19INTERVIEWS GIVES YOU RIK MAYALL 20INTERVIEWS GIVES YOU MARK WATSON
22 Editor Sophie Robehmed Executive Editor Perri Lewis Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan Arts Kim O’Connor, Rebecca Child Blind Date Rosanne and Olivia Books Daisy Beare Columnists DC Gates, Tristian Thomas, Mr Chuffy, Amber, Dr Matthew, Grace DeVille Cult Classics Tom Brookes Debate Caleb Woodbridge Digital Dom Mukwamba-Sendall Fashion Leana Crookes, Matt Hitt Features Amy Harrison, Ben Bryant Film Ewen Hosie, Ryan Owen, Si Truss Food Joanne Grew Gay Deen Lloyd, Jenny Hall Going Out Kayleigh Excell, Rachel Clare Interviews Amira Hashish, Nicola Menage Music Mike Richards, Sofie Jenkinson, Will Hitchins Photography Adam Gasson, James Perou, Sarah Day, Hedi Slimane Travel Chris Rogers, Jim Whiteley Sub Editor & Cover Design Graeme Porteous Proof Readers Rachel Cormican, Kate Dobbs, Amy Harrison, Kieran Harwood, Elise Kirke, Andy Rennison, Chris White Contributors Chloe Adams, James Anthony, Mariam Bashorun, Michael Bateson-Hill, Tom Birts, Jonny Boyatt, Cathy Boyce, Tom Brookes, Jo Butler, Adam Chard, Hollie Clemence, Greg Cochrane, Jessie Collins, Gillian Couch, Leana Crookes, John Davies, Will Dean, Tom Dinham, Ross Eales, Georgie Easton, Slim Eckstein, Kyle Ellison, Steven Florey, Adam Gasson, Faith Giles, Amira Hashish, Matthew Hitt, Anthony Hobday, Matt Horwood, Jimmy Interpol, Ashley James, Francesca Jarvey, Ben Jones, Emily Kendrick, Katie Kennedy, Emily Khan, Kat LeFever, Jamie Ley, Sophia Littledale, Alex Macpherson, Rebecca Manley, TV Manners, Samantha Manton, Ben Marshall, Marty McQueen, Nicola Menage, Andrew Mickel, Gareth Mogg, Ana Moraes, Cladia Pang, Mary Parkes, Leila Pinder, Natalia Popova, Claire Power, Tasha Prest-Smith, Andy Rennison, Cat Richards, Laura Rowe, Lucy Rowe, Tim Scriven, Rosaria Sguegliar, Harold Shiel, John Stanton, Aisling Tempany, Ed Vanstone, Tom Victor, Sarah Vine, Richard Ward, Rosanne White, Chris Williams, Tom Williams, Josie Wiltshire, Caleb Woodbridge
21INTERVIEWS WITH A SPECIAL LOWDOWN 22FASHION SHOWS YOU HOW MUSIC HAS SHAPED LA MODE
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Best Student Publication 2005
Best Student Magazine 2005 & 2006
THREE
QUENCH SPECIAL 23FASHION CATCHES UP WITH... CATHRYN 24FASHION CATCHES UP WITH... JOSIE 25TRAVEL GOES ON HOLIDAY WITH ANIMALS
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26TRAVEL CATCHES UP WITH… AMY 27TRAVEL CATCHES UP WITH… AMY (AGAIN) 28FOOD GIVE YOU TOP 50 MUNCHES 29GAY GO DRAG FOR THE OCCASION 30 GAY FORMER GAY EDITOR, IAN LLOYD 31KEV CARTOON SPECIAL 32REVIEWS OUR EX-AWARD-WINNING CRITIC DOES REVIEWS 33MUSIC FORMER MUSIC EDITOR, GREG COCHRANE
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34MUSIC GO TO THE SHOCKWAVES NME AWARDS TOUR 35BOOKS GO AROUND THE WORLD 37FILM ON THE BEST OF BRITISH 38FILM ON THE OSCARS 39ARTS OUR FAVOURITE TRIPS TO THEATRE 40ARTS THE EXPERTS’ PREFERENCES 41DIGITAL INTRODUCE THE 50 COUNTDOWN
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LOCAL MIXTAPE of some of the best Quench brings you Cardiff’s music scene
42GOING OUT SHARE THEIR SECRET GEMS 43CLASSICS GIVE IT A WELSH TINT 44BLIND DATE INTERVIEW LOVE GOD, GRAHAM TORRINGTON 45THE FINAL WHISTLE FORMER SPORT EDITOR, JOHN STANTON 46TUNNEL VISION FORMER TV EDITOR, TV MANNERS 47BARRY CADSHAW RIP 49QUENCH’S LOCAL MIXTAPE PULLOUT 49QUENCH’S LOCAL MIXTAPE CD 50BIRTHDAY PARTY (SEE BACK PAGE FOR ADVERT)
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FOUR
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Look out for the logos in Quench, in the music pullout, on the CD and on the event posters QUENCH@GAIRRHYDD.COM
QUENCH SPECIAL
NOTES FROM EDITORS PAST Alex Macpherson: Editor (2003-4) When I was asked to write this editorial, my only briefing was to write it in the style of the ones I used to write when I was editor of Quench. Sadly, as I type this it's not midday on a Friday, the magazine hasn't got to go to press in 20 minutes, and I haven't been awake for 30 hours, most of which were spent cursing out the office computers. The editorials were always the last thing to be done, so without fail each fortnight the students of Cardiff would be subjected to the semi-coherent ramblings of a
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coffee-addled brain on whatever subject sprang to mind first (usually Christina Aguilera, as I remember). Now, though, I'm older and wiser, and instead of killing myself trying to meet deadlines, I merely miss them instead. Sorry Perri! It's now been nearly four years since I founded Quench. This was a process which mainly involved sunbathing on the office balcony during the summer of 2003 while scribbling notes on scrap paper, and the success of the magazine in its first year
was a real testament to the skill of making things up as we went along I'm proud to see what it's since become. I can honestly say that editing it was a pleasure, mostly because my brain seems to have filtered out all the times when I thought I was going to physically expire from exhaustion (or indeed the noxious fumes of Domino's pizzas, which to this day make me nauseous); possibly the greatest lesson learnt is that anything can be turned into an amusing anecdote, with time.
Tristan Thomas: Executive Editor (2003-4) Part of me likes to think that I can still perform many of the skills required of the stereotypical student. A keen eye for a drinks offer, legs that won’t ever let me walk past an open takeaway, a tendency to claim that I’m busy without thinking (a 1500 word essay? In six weeks? You poor souls). Yet while university folklore is cluttered with tales of lazy days and messy nights, the most vivid and grimly rewarding memories I take from my four years at Cardiff were those spent toiling through the night, churning out pages for early editions of the magazine you hold in your hands. For a bored journalism
student struggling to justify why his course was described as ‘full-time’, gair rhydd provided a satisfying blend of red-brick worthiness and barelylegal pissing about. One week we’d be picking up awards in London, the next we were launching well-drilled snowball attacks on rival newspaper sections. Sadly, two keyboards were lost in the Great Battle for the Editor’s Office. The GR office seems to cultivate both the sublime – many of its alumni are scattered throughout the national media – to the ridiculous; I’m reminded of the South Wales Echo headline ‘Simon Weston blast at student paper’. It’s even
Will Dean: Editor (2005-6) When I first started to write for Quench and gair rhydd, I was under the impression that everyone on the paper was pretty professional, one step away from Alan Rusbridger or Conor McNicholas. When I was given an editorial position I quickly realised this couldn’t be the case. And it’s not. It’s easy for others to sneer at student journalists, be they professionals or just other students, but, without any professional training, writers and editors at Quench have managed to make the magazine the best student publication in Great Britain. I did some stupid things, but
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where better place to learn? I may have told comedian Mark Thomas that I was from Derby for no other reason than to make small talk. I may have dressed up as a television and degraded myself to get the editor’s position. I may also have colluded in the publication of a controversial cartoon that was making headlines around the world and not even realised what we were doing. But I did it and I’m glad I did all these. Working at Quench – even if it’s nothing like a professional environmentgave me the motivation and confidence needed to be a journalist, and
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possible to take Q U E N C H some perverse pleas- 50th edition ure from gair rhydd’s recent national notoriety. Many a former contributor exchanged bemused text messages 12 months ago. Of my friends who have left university in the last few years – and I’m aware this may sound glib and a little patronising – the ones who talk about Cardiff the most are those who ‘got involved’. Watching Neighbours twice a day may be a noble student pasttime, but it isn't nearly as fun as working for the UK's leading student media publications.
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if it does that for just half the people who work on the magazine, then the university should be proud. I certainly am. My favourite Quench memory: Either seeing my name in a Quench byline for the first time after reviewing a Chikinki/Kasabian gig at Welsh Clwb in 2004 (there were ten people there and Chikinki blew Kasabian off the stage – go figure) or writing my first editorial in the summer of 2005. England were winning the Ashes, I was about to go to Canada and some idiots had let me take charge of a bloody magazine. Ace.
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THE BLURB q.ed. Sophie Robehmed Editor (2006-7)
THE FIGHT The US Army
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Strengths: They have the best kit. There’s chuffing loads of them. Weaknesses: Predilections for shooting at the wrong side, rape and general misbehaviour that makes post-mental Private Pile look a little bit tame. Special Move: The Hypocrisy Bomb having the biggest, hardest weapons and threatening to drop them on backworld third-world hellholes if they dare to develop the same.
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olly gosh, it’s an auspicious occasion. (Yes, I did just use golly gosh like some kind of Famous Five ponce.) Oh well, I think this deserves a topping of 1950s toff lingo. It is with great pleasure that I welcome you all to the 50th edition of Quench. Yet what is most exciting for me as current editor of this fine publication (I know I’m biased) is that I am joined on these pages with the crème de la crème of Quench alumni: my worldly, knowledgeable, now very successful, (and all very male), predecessors. This includes the man who started the notion of Quench magazine all that time ago; it’s like discovering Father Christmas is real after all (God, that’s the worst lie of my childhood and how I wish he and his candyfloss beard were true). So like your last rolo, I hope you savour, enjoy and only share this magazine (and your orgasmically-I’lltry-not-to-wee-a-little-exciting free local mixtape) with those who feel the Quench love. (And that doesn’t include those who drop it on union steps or leave it cold and alone, sodden with rain in a Cathays’ alley. You don’t know how it pulls at my heartstrings so. Well, you probably have a small idea now, but still). I hope it quenches your thirst (pun surprisingly intended and served with a plate of cheese). In all seriousness, long may this super A5-shaped ship sail.
SIX
The Spartan Army
vs.
Strengths: Doublehard ‘real men’. Weaknesses: Quite stupid. Special Move: Standing and getting slaughtered.
THE VERDICT They’ve got a lot in common, Sparta and the US. Well, one thing, actually: they don’t like Persians/Iranians. America might be about to bomb them back to well, back to when the Spartans fought them, probably. Back in them days, 300 Spartans held off 1.5million Persians long enough for the Greeks to come and smash them. Next month you can see it the cinema, when the film 300 is released. The only films on any US-led invasion of Iran would probably follow the same format as the Iraq war -
documentaries on how they’re fucking it up royally. But if they fought each other, who would win? The Spartans, who could march for hundreds of miles, probably warmed up with an Ironman and waited until they got home before bumming anyone (boys, in their case)? Or the Americans, with billions of dollars worth of guns, bombs, planes and other assorted hi-tech Stuff For Killing Foreigners With. It’s the Yanks, isn’t it? Stupid question really.
THEBLURB@GAIRRHYDD.COM
THE BLURB
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pair Gindrinker nd DC Gates a Graff tackleive Quench’s fons big questi
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! s i h t r e Answ What's the best thing you've ever stolen? DC: Me and the Martini Henry Rifles stole a toy boat from outside a building. Graff: I stole a wind sock once. It was purple. What's the best lesson you've learnt in life? DC: If you put your hand in a fire, it will hurt. Do not do this. Likewise, do not put your fingers into deckchairs and then close them. That also hurts. Graf: The best lesson I’ve ever learnt was in a physics lecture. It’s that Elephants don’t jump, which is true. DC: Neither can Giraffes. If you could be anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? Graf: I’d be Morrissey, just so I could jump out at everyone and go Woo. Do you have any guilty pleasures? DC: Aside from the excesses of drinking and smoking, The Carpenters, which no-one expects. Oh and The Smiths, How Soon Is Now? What would your special powers be if you were a super hero? DC: I’d like the ability to explode heads, although that would lead to a lot of jail time.
h has: This week Quenc Been thinking:
ddles can never That walking in pu the little ones n ve be avoided. (E o your shoes. Oh find their way int mock us.) why do the Gods Been looking at:com - be in a zomwww.terror4fun. olved another bie film or get inven be a zombie. way. You can ev aybe. Well, m
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Missing
KEVTHINKSTHINGS?
Don’t worry, turn to page 38
I’ve been here too long (50 issues that is)
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Let me reflect back on what has been a great four years via a journey of Quench’s fabulous front pages. One of my personal favourites was the gay gene front page. It had the standard black and white image of men coming up from apes but had been photoshoped so the last two human men were holding hands. Matt, the film editor and front page designer for the first year of Quench was one of my favourites (I even fancied him at one point: at the first meeting and pretended to care about films because he was the film editor). He also designed the beautiful Jim Carey Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind front page, another classic in my mind. But alas, my affections for him dwindled after a bit of a design mistake: the ridiculously entitled Edin-brilliant issue. A picture of one Edinburgh castle, one of the UK’s dullest castles, adorned the front page. It was a dark moment that year. The following year Mr Dean took hold of the front page reins and leaped through that year and the following year with ease. There were many classics: the Chicago front page even graced the pages of the Guardian when they did a feature on the Emap award-winners of 2005. January 2006: enter Graeme and that New York front page. Mr Porteous took the Quench front page world by storm with his stunning designs and things could only get better from there. The Mighty Boosh edition was another personal favourite. This year there have been some winners and some losers: not every issue has been perfect, but there have been some that have been bloody good ones. But that’s it from me really: I’ve been here too long and I can no longer write that well. My eyes are hurting from the glare of my screen and the smell of free pizza has begun to fester in my hair. And I’m only really writing this because of a last minute hitch half an hour before print deadline. So I know it’s rubbish, don’t worry.
SEVEN
DEBATE
The Meaning of Life #7
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One big question: What is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?
Make your own
Atoms in motion Glory to God
Aisling Tempany
Anthony Hobday
Caleb Woodbridge
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F
T
he idea that we make our own meaning in life is probably harder to explain than any other philosophical idea. Our meaning isn’t always going to be the same. We don’t all have the same meaning in life. We weren’t born in the first place for the same reasons or at the same time, so how could it be? This doesn’t mean that our lives have no meaning at all. The idea of making up your own meaning in life is often confused with ideas of existentialism, and postmodernists like Sartre. They, to be simple about it, largely believed it didn’t matter what we did, because there was no meaning to it. But I would disagree. The meaning of our lives is constantly changing, and half the time we make it up as we go along. When I was 18, I thought the meaning of my life was to be an actor. When I was 20 I thought it was to help people. I’m nearly 22 and I’m not sure. But maybe that’s because my life keeps changing. Maybe the meaning of my life is to keep changing. By the time most of us leave university, our lives will have a completely different meaning to what they did when we started. University is about change and transition, and, for some of us, how we make our own meaning in life.
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irst of all, let’s assume there is a system of cause and effect in place, causality. If stimulus A is introduced, then that will definitely cause situation B to arise. If you roll a die with the same speed and force, while keeping exactly the same external influences, then it will always land on the same number. Now, instead of dice, let’s look at atoms. If these atoms are all following a system of cause and effect (That is, they’re doing what they’re doing for a reason), then it stands to reason that everything ever in the universe has been ‘caused’ and will follow an exact path based on external influences. Here comes the tricky part. If all of those external influences are also following a system of cause and effect, then logic dictates that everything is predictable, non-random, and following a set path. Indeed, our very thought processes, and actions, even our ‘free will’, they are all based on the atoms that make us, so it also follows that everything we do is set on a predictable path because of cause and effect. This means that ‘fate’ is more real than you’d like to imagine. You may think you have control over your life; that the thoughts you’re experiencing are ‘free’, when in actual fact they’re just complicated to the point of unpredictability. Is there a meaning to this life? I wish!
o glorify God and to enjoy him forever - that's the ‘chief end of man’ according to one summary of Christian belief, or as we might say today, the meaning of life. Everyone worships a god. Whatever we devote our time to, whatever we make our highest goal, whatever we take greatest pleasure in, that is the god we worship. For some it may be family and friends, for others it is money or success, or perhaps pleasure or knowledge. Christians believe that God is the only one who should be worshipped. Those other things are to be enjoyed, but as gifts of God, as part of our enjoyment of him. But why God? Firstly, he’s the one who will give us greatest pleasure and satisfaction. Secondly, because he’s worth it, the greatest being in the universe. He doesn’t just happen to be morally good; he is the standard of goodness itself. He isn’t just reasonable, but the very reason and logos that underlines the universe. He is where Goodness, Beauty and Truth are one. Settling for anyone or anything less misses out on the greatest possible pleasure, and also does God the most terrible offence. How do we enjoy God? He gives us himself, the greatest gift possible, through offering forgiveness and union with him if we depend on Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.”
DEBATE@GAIRRHYDD.COM
GRACE
An apple a day Grace de Ville
A
ttempting to find a clean pair of socks in the morning is like a Crystal Maze challenge. Except I’m not wearing a shellsuit, Richard O’ Brian isn’t making ominous faces at the egg timer and I want to cry. Enough is enough - it’s time to tidy my bedroom. The last time I attempted to assemble the piles of rubble into an orderly formation, I found all manner of weird and wonderful curios. Among the doilies (why?), framed cannabis leaf (a tasteful gift) and dead plants (I’m no Charlie Dimmock) was a handbag. I imagine Harrison Ford felt this much trepidation when he discovered the arc of the covenant. After peeling away the cobwebs and bat droppings, I gingerly pulled on the zipper. Would evil spirits spring forth and melt my face off? Erm, not exactly. Languishing at the bottom of the handbag was forty seven pence and an apple. A lovely, succulent looking, spherical apple with not a pip out of place. It had been there for around four months, but was still as lovely looking as the day it was ripped from the tree by a giant industrial hoover. Something isn’t quite right here. I’m aware of the scurvy-banishing properties of fruit and vegetables. They’re nutritious and delicious. But, despite my best efforts, apples are always left, forlorn and pathetic, at the bottom of my fruit bowl. That’s the problem: there are ALWAYS apples in my fruit bowl, and evidently, my wardrobe. They’re the same apples that I purchased months ago in a pathetic attempt to detoxify my gin-addled liver, but they defy the laws of nature! Fresh fruit and vegetables are supposed to be ephemeral. We purchase them in a post-hobnob splurge of guilt, look at
The puzzling case of the indestructable fruit
them for a while and then get on with our lives while they follow their pre-destined path of decomposition. So why won’t they just get on with it? Could their ungodly longevity be down to chemical assistance? I read somewhere that apples are often stored for a year before they reach our shelves. Add to that the length of time they’ve colonised my house and you’ve got yourself one hell of an elderly apple. It’s rather disturbing that something can be labelled as ‘fresh’ when it has witnessed the rise and fall of Jade Goody. Are we pickling ourselves from the insides out with the very things that are supposed to cleanse our vital organs? It’s a worrying thought. Anna Nicole Smith (god rest her gigantic mammeries) instructed that her body be embalmed in the event of her death. Apart from the obvious disadvantage of being dead, the embalmers have apparently kept her very lifelike. If she’d consumed enough of the vile toxins that we’re forced to imbibe each and every day of our waking lives, then the taxider-
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mist wasn’t really necessary. Just remember kids: An apple a day keeps decomposition at bay. Buy organic and your corpse will rot at a sensible pace. On a lighter note, I couldn’t possibly celebrate the monumental fiftieth edition of Quench without bathing in a warm, fetid bath of nostalgia. By my calculations, I’ve been loitering around the gair rhydd office for nigh on twenty–seven Quench editions. That’s 189 dog issues. Phew! It’d be impossible to sum up the experience of being surrounded by so many lovely, insane people. I’m as warped as an un-Ronsealed garden fence, so I’m clearly in good company. Happy birthday Quench!
It had been there for around four months, but was still as lovely looking as the day it was ripped from the tree by a giant industrial hoover
NINE
QUENCH/ ALUMNI WARNING
In a conflict situation this page can be made into a gun: (1) fold each corner inwards (2) twist 72 degrees (3) use the third paragraph as a trigger (4) add gunpowder (5) release a whole Chessington World of Adventure of pain on your unsuspecting enemy.
Mr Chuffy Investigates...
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Here Today Gun Tomorrow? Not likely guvnor. Bang! Bang! Made you doubly incontinent
T
he pederastic pistol, the AK47 that still signed on while working in the sausage factory, the people-smuggling rocket-launcher and the super-soaker that buggered your goldfish: gun crime is rife in old GB - an acronym now believed to stand for Gun Bonkers. But is it right that insolent infants unload an Uzi when the maternal teat runs dry? Or should Metropolitan police officers be permitted aesthetic groins and do a Brazilian? The recent spate of inner-city gunrelated tomfoolery has left many politicians scratching their lice-ridden scalps as to where the little ASBO scamps have learned about firearms. Traditionally, Blighty has shunned the way of the gun, with early Imperialist jaunts into African Boer Republics accomplished with the use of moustaches and parsnips. Indeed, poetry from the Great War is littered with combative couplets chronicling jelly fights between trenches. And, as Prince Harry heads off to Basra he’ll be sure to pack his regulation whistle and pipe, ready for a face-to-face fracas with the face of Terror. Despite these ’armless encounters, it seems that gun users are getting increasingly less old with age every day. In the soon-to-be-aired shock-umentary When Fertility Treatment Goes Tits-Up, Professor Robert Winston uses magic magnifying goggles to demonstrate how even the simple act of fertilisation is now conducted at gunpoint. As one particularly brazen sperm attempts to force its way through the membrane, the ovum is shown to produce a really small cannon and blast the
TEN
sex tadpole to shit. Nine months later when the baby-shaped embryo is eventually squeezed out, the midwife cops a face full of pain as the nonchalant neonate fires off a round from a cervical safe house. Not confined to pre-pubescent pistol petulance, gun crime encompasses both ends of the incontinence spectrum. Tunbridge Wells, dubbed by the press Gunbridge Wells, has borne the brunt of the deadly dribblers with gangs of grannies cruising the streets in armoured Zimmerframes. The town has experienced a tenfold rise in Stanna-stairlift shootings, with Bingo becoming a no-go area for local rozzers. Anyone who’s ever watched Songs of Praise will know that guns are sexy. This lethal copulation cocktail of gunpowder and bodily fluids has led to a rise in the use of shotgun sex aids throughout the nation’s boudoirs. Hospitals around Britain have been inundated with seven recorded instances of rumpy-pumpy pump-action bleeders, with many Casanovas shooting their load at the wrong point, peppering a prostate or chafing a cervix. Brits’ insatiable appetite for deviance has regrettably not ceased with musket monogamy, with some filth-seekers involving friend’s firearms. In these sawed-off shotgun swinger sessions multiple weapons are involved climaxing in a gang-bang. In one particular-
ly disturbing instance of pistol-whipping sado-masochism, a cap in the ass caused acute colonic discomfort as the Burberry-patterned peak rubbed unpleasantly along the walls of the large intestine. The iGun, the latest piece of gadgetry invented by the boffins at Apple, allows users to fire over a thousand rounds of organ-piercing lead per minute at anyone disrespecting your momma. The iGun is the size of a standard kidney stone and fits in your pocket like an otter down a tuba. It also stores up to 47 music songs. The fashion industry, so often corrupted like choirboys on a Priest stag weekend to Cambodia, has gleefully jumped upon the gun shaped bandwagon. Topshop recently faced criticism with their new range of tank
“
Anyone who’s ever watched Songs of Praise will know that guns are sexy
QUENCH@GAIRRHYDD.COM
QUENCH/ ALUMNI tops. Each armoured armless jumper comes equipped with caterpillar tracks and large calibre gun. Headon ground offensives raged on the Welsh capital’s traditionally passive pavements, as rival tank top wearers fought for ground in the now infamous Battle of Primark. Firearm-chic has even infected the Hit Parade aristocracy, with pop princess Britney Spears having her head shaved to look like a bullet. On a recent entomological trip to Somalia researching Dung Beetles, hair aplenty Spears drew a face on a .357 Magnum cartridge and thought it looked “champion”. Reports allege that the singer of premature ejaculation anthem Oops I Did It Again marched into a Mogadishu barbers and demanded “hair like one of them baldies out of Right Said Fred”. Chair-bird of the anti-terror music alliance Music Uniting Firearm Fanatics – Sanctimonious War Enactment Against Terror (M.U.F.F.S.W.E.A.T.), Hysterectomy Slot, who also believes her fallopian tubes to be possessed with the spirit of Britney, was ruddy chuffed at the unification of her two most-loved things. “Yah diggity!” her six-year-old Carpet Python Billy-Bob. Just in the nick of time, our appointed leaders have descended from their ivory towers to allay Armageddon. Prime Minister Blair has demanded tougher sentences to deter youths from ‘packing a shooter’. In a particularly harsh moment, the PM snarled “please don’t use guns; or I won’t be your friend on Facebook”. Many gangland gun generals believe that carrying a weapon is necessary to defend your honour. To combat this impasse a new government initiative, piloted in the House of Lords, is being introduced whereby gun-tooting street urchins can pay cash directly to the government in return for honour. David Cameron, leader of the other New Labour party, blames absent fathers for disorder-wielding youths choosing the way of the weapon. The absent fathers were last seen following an unpaid recorder playing rodent exterminator into a cave. Cameron embarked upon an expedition to find the lost dads before stopping to have a lengthy giggle and demand “all the Hobnobs in the world”.
QUENCH@GAIRRHYDD.COM
#9
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50th edition
Amber Duval
Amber on what, and who, she’s been doing since July
W
ell, where to start? First of all, hello, kisses, wet dreams etc. I know I have been an awful prig, leaving you all in the lurch like that when you had so many problems you wanted me to sort out. I mean, as agony aunt extraordinaire, you only had to ask and I would be there, bent over, waiting to help you out! And then I had to leave. I suppose I have some explaining to do. I didn’t want to leave you, honestly, I didn’t. It just sort of...happened. One minute I was in the bedroom and the next, here. It seems there is no justice in the world. Well, when I say justice, I actually mean no get-out clause good enough. And now I can’t even write this properly because I am cramped in next to Tina who is breathing down my neck and wittering on about whether B&H is better than Mayfair. Well I wouldn’t know back in my high life I would only smoke cigars (and when I say smoke, I actually mean something else). Tina is awfully ugly, too. Good thing she can’t read! Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, explaining myself to you, my loyal subjects. I mean students. Yes, well, there I was, only doing what Bastion told me to, (he said there’s a big market for it) when suddenly there was an almighty crash in the passage. I said, Bastion, what the hell is that? He said, “It’s rain on the Velux windows.” And I believed him, fool that I am, and he carried on filming and I certainly didn’t stop (it was too far in by that point!). But then the crashing came all the way upstairs and there was another bang against the locked door and suddenly a SWAT team rolled in!
Bastion, hideous entrepreneur that he is, left the camera running, didn’t even think to cover me up, and I was completely nude! Not to mention the duck up my bum. So the officer in charge came over to me, turned me round, took one look at the duck and went white. I batted my eyelashes and said, “Oh officer, glad you could come,” thinking that he might have a boner and want to join in, but no such luck. He murmured something and then ran away. I heard him throwing up outside. Then another officer came over with handcuffs. “Oooh, you like that sort of thing, do you?” I asked, but I shouldn’t have bothered, because within twenty minutes I was in a cell, alone, and Bastion made a statement saying it was all my idea.
“
So the officer in charge came over to me, turned me round, took one look at the duck and went white A year on and I’m still locked away, with only Tina as my respite from the cruel injustice of the world. But I suppose it isn’t too bad. I mean, she may be ugly but she’s got one hell of a long tongue! She even knows why I’m in here and she’s not bothered. So I suppose I should count my blessings. Don’t feel sorry for me, dear readers! Just remember, next time you order food, don’t go for the duck. I know where it’s been. Much love, Amber xxx
ELEVEN
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DC Gates
#10
Q U E N C H
50th edition
W
ell, well, well. Can it really have been fifty issues since the good ship Quench made her maiden voyage? “Of course it is, you old twat!” I hear you cry, “who the hell are you, anyway?” Well, my otters, I used to have a column for this here organ, and was indeed present at its beginning. In fact, I protested that the old gair rhydd Information Pullout was to be scrapped and replaced with a fancypants fortnightly magazine. What the hell kind of a name was Quench anyway? Sounded like a vaginal douche or a fabric conditioner. I’m having nothing to do with this, no sir, I thought. Then they offered me my own column and I rolled over like the patsy I am. A year or so later I ‘retired’, citing the pressures of a full-time job and a deadline as too much work for a sane human being (fucking lightweight). Of course, being a vain and selfimportant kind of bloke, I accepted the offer of a one-off return to the fold. Everyone loves a party, a bit of commemoration. Just look at the calendar – how many Great British sausage/beer/author days/weeks there are, how many tenth/fiftieth/two hundred years’memorials, how many national holidays. So hey, the more the merrier. I’m in! Unfortunately, there’s just one problem: I don’t have anything to write. My mind is a complete blank. It’s not being helped by the sounds of Little My, who are rehearsing in the room next to the broom cupboard where I am typing (they must be about the only band ever to be louder at a practice than a gig. Still twee, though – no Cannibal Corpse covers just quite yet). Hang on, though. Maybe a new paragraph will jog my imagination? Um, no. I had started writing with
TWELVE
Quench magazine sounded like the vague idea of some socio-political commena vaginal douche tary, as was my wont, back in the day. Perhaps or a fabric conditioner a rejoinder to the idiotic and increasingly fashionable theory that the left-right divide no longer exists and politics is essentially all the same. Yeah, sure, Sarkozy and Cameron may well be modelling themselves on ’97-era Blair so closely that they might as well book the holiday at Cliff Richard’s now, but to try to paint them as cuddly social-democrats-inall-but-name is a mistake. The rank and file membership of a political party will always play a significant part in its policies in the run-up to an election, and with traditional support edging towards the far right,
things may change for these compassionate conservatives. Anyway, never trust a Smiths fan, as someone wise (me) once said. So there we go. An agreement honoured. You can kind of see why I had to give the whole business up and be a ‘musician’. And to think that you used to get twice as much of me, as well as some horoscopes (which, I might add, were pretty damn funny – hint, hint)… well, that wasn’t so bad, was it? See you next time when issue one hundred rolls in?
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QUENCH/ALUMNI
Dr. Matthew Our former agony uncle on why he’s not writing a column this week
O
nce there was this nobhead called Nietzsche whose name Americans can’t say since they’re chewing steroids and crystal meth and babies, possibly, but in any case he wrote a load of stuff I can’t hope to understand – and shouldn’t even want to if I did. Mostly, people said he was clever and even bonkers, but personally I’m quite indifferent to him and wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I saw him – even though his being alive would probably give me the willies since resourceful philosophical ghosts would certainly be more alarming than say… a flying continent, or the moon falling from its orbit and making the mountains and seas take off. Also, he was not a fascist. Anyway, Nietzsche wrote something in an introduction to yet another book of his called ‘An Attempt at Self-Criticism’, which commences by filling your mind with balls like this:
“
I obviously found writing in my youth to be much like contributing to a toilet with the lights off, and I am sorry ‘Whatever it was that prompted my questionable book, it must have been a most important and personal reason… [yet] today I find it an impossible book – badly written, clumsy and embarrassing, its images frenzied and confused… an arrogant and fanatical book.’
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Which essentially means, ‘I obviously found writing in my youth to be much like contributing to a toilet with the lights off, and I am sorry.’ And so, if I may allow myself such a comparison – which of course I will because I’m writing this, not you, and because I’m also funny like this: ho ho – this waffly quote is precisely how I feel about my columns, which I am sort of disgusted by. So, the rest of this column is about not writing a column. I’m not really a columnist, in exactly the way I’m not a tremendous athlete. Columnists have important things to say, which I do not, and deconstruct arguments by knowing what they’re deconstructing, which I do not. Columnists put their faces to their work, which I don’t, and insult their peers more eloquently, which I fucking well do not, you pigs. And above all else, I was the worst agony aunt ever because not unlike Colin Fry I just lied to people by writing words and expected people to react to it by not wanting to punch me on the face. And I want you to know that writing it all was painful – massively so – and that writing this is equally so. It taught me something though, ‘dealing’ with all those problems. It taught me that life is not so much full of vicious circles as it is entirely a nodular line of viciousness, which I invented after I renounced university by graduating from it. And it’s clever, or is at least better than being stabbed. Vicious circles are frequent and aren’t optimum. But what if you needed to describe a series of events that are linked but keep getting worse? Like life? Since life only
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I’m not really a columnist, in exactly the way I’m not a tremendous athlete ever gets worse? Thus a nodular line of viciousness is my sort of horizontal explanation of life – which means life’s a bit like a train track with a spiky hole at one end and lots of unexploded cluster bombs between the sleepers on the way. And you’re on those tracks in a rusty crud train which has no brakes or visible doors or windows and is full of scorpions and is traveling at eight miles-perhour and you feel appalling enough about all that but you’re being sat on by a pregnant dead elephant too, and if you touch anything you get electrocuted and there’s superglue all over your hands and feet and eyelids. And there’s tripwires and broken glass and a shotgun that’ll be mean to you if you try to move… So, you can take your hands, Nietzsche fans, and you can put them in your bottoms, since it’s actually no good being self-reflective when you’d welcome the next big war.
THIRTEEN
FEATURES
The
T
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hey say never judge a book by its cover. Well, looking back at the very first issue of Quench, I think we can safely say that the same applies to magazines. Hard to believe that it was just over three years ago, in September BREASTMILK: the Queen of hangover 2003, that Quench first appeared cures, according to Food. Issue 14 alongside gairrhydd. Before that, students had to cope with the hideously acronym-ed GRip (‘gair Going Out, Issue one, page rhydd information pullout’), a weekly fifteen. Also featuring glowpullout of listings and reviews from the local film, arts and music scenes. Quench was the brainchild of Tristan Thomas and Alex Macpherson. In its earliest stages Fun Factory! it presented the reviews that would normally be found in GRip, but added a space for debate, travel, features and columnists. The first issue, incidentally, coincided with the launch of a new Monday night at the Union: that’s right, the inimitable Fun Factory! Since those early days, Quench Timmy Mallet did an has evolved into a kind-of ‘proper’ interview too magazine; however, people like Amber Duval (she’s fifty issues old too, you know) ensure that it remains grounded in a healthy smattering of smut and grit appropriate to a student publication. And so, with all of the selflove (read: wanky journalism) and laziness of a Friends clipshow special, we bring you a bitty summary of Quench’s juiciest moments. Westwood starring alongside Piers Morgan in an interview-loaded issue seven Ben Bryant & Amy Harrison
FOURTEEN
FEATURES@GAIRRHYDD.COM
FEATURES
rapbook
Que
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#12 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Travel go to Edinburgh by train or plane in issue 10
#13
Q U E N C H
’s fi rs crea t ever B t for ing the lind D futu of u re g templ ate: a nha e ppy nerati te mat ons che s!
Did you swap phone numbers? “Yes, but I deleted his when I got home.”
50th edition
Cut!
It seemed like a good idea at the time... The features that were left behind. Vinyl Resting Place: Bastien Springs slags off YOUR RECORDS, the devilish strumpet Sexiest student: God knows what happened to this one. Hot or Not meets student media for amazing sexist fun! Austen sexes up 10 in Books
One Trick Pony: Succeeded by The Blurb. One Trick Pony finally kicked the bucket at the end of last year Where’s Phil Collins?: Why this no longer exists is a complete mystery. Celebrity Where’s Wally. Super dupe.
A glowing review of Jumpin’ Jaks from issue three, October 2003. Oh, how times have changed.
Issue five saw an interview with elusive mindwobbler Derren Brown
Amazingly, the Solus toilets were once extremely fertile cottaging grounds. Gay, issue seven, 2004
FEATURES@GAIRRHYDD.COM
FIFTEEN
FEATURES
New York, New York was the theme for issue 34
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Los Campesinos! in issue 47
Food test out microwave food in issue 28
Features get wet in issue 44
2006/07 saw the start of an a brand new cartoon: Kev Thinks Things
Features went surfin for issue 43 Exchanging rings in Gay, issue 33
Travel blagged a free trip to Berlin and bragged about it in issue 36
SIXTEEN
Cardiff Film Festival 2006 took over the Film section for issues 45 and 46
FEATURES@GAIRRHYDD.COM
FEATURES
Qu
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last 50 In addition to the ditors issues, Quench e d have also produce 5 amazing supplements QFood, QTravel, QFashion, Cardiffatest Students’ 50 Grech’s Artists and Quen # Local Mix Tape h edition
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Cult Classics Football special, issue 32
EXIT Festival ‘05 Novi Sad, Serbia & Montenegro July 7th-10th. In Music issue 27
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Speed dating took over Blind Date issue 32
SEVENTEEN
FEATURES
All about Quench
Features got in touch with former editors and current writer find out their opinions on Quench past and present
Gary Andrews
Kerry-Lynne Doyle
gair rhydd editor 2004/5
Blind Date editor 2003/4
What was the highlight of your Quench years? Winning
What were your initial feelings when Quench first started out? It was quirky,
the Guardian award was pretty special,
What were your initial feelings when Quench first started out?I remember Tristan and
fresh and like nothing I'd seen before. I was a fresher when I got involved and it really caught my eye as something exciting and fun.
How do you feel in the knowledge that Quench is still going strong 50 issues on? Fantastic. It keeps going
from strength to strength thanks to dedicated teams year upon year - and great editing. Each year the content seems to get better and better. It always has a team of enthusiastic and dedicated people working on it, which really shows.
Gareth Lloyd
Digital editor 2003/4
Alex had a whole pile of cuttings from various magazines with ideas for Quench, some never made it, some made it but disappeared pretty quickly, like the sexi-
Andrew Mickel Writer 2003-6
What did you think of Quench when it first came out? At the
time, the transfer from glorified listings receptacle GRiP to the fullyfledged Quench was astounding. It seemed so darned professional.
Are there any memorable articles that you can remember in Quench history? Mr Chuffy never
failed to disappoint even if I rarely understood all the big words. The verbose work of Film Craig was also a great source of fascinating confusion – his last review used the
What were your initial feelings when Quench first started out? Ohgodohgodohgod, I don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if anyone can tell?
expression ‘fuzzbox-salted exodus’. Bastian Springs was always about stuff I owned.
What do you think to the evolution of Quench? It may get
smartened up every once in a while, but it’s the stuff that’s closer to what students are doing that makes it what it is – the sharper film and music reviews, and opinion that gives voice to what students are thinking. The moment that stops, Quench stops.
Sim Eckstein Writer 2006/7
The new Quench in full colour has been amazing this year. I would never use the magazine for toilet paper.
How do you feel in the knowledge that Quench is still going strong 50 issues on?
Awesome. There was a real feeling in those first few months of wanting to set an example that would last (well, from the other editors and contributors who weren't frantically flailing in the dark like I was), and it's great to hear that it's still powering along.
EIGHTEEN
Andy Rennison Reader 2004 - 7
I love the fact that Quench is offbeat and irreverent, though sometimes the slapstick is OTT.
FEATURES@GAIRRHYDD.COM
FEATURES
rs to
#16
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est student, and some of which are still going strong. Quench was a bit of a gamble, especially as it was being designed from scratch, but after a few issues it settled into its groove and just kept getting better.
How do you feel in the knowledge that Quench is still going strong 50 issues on? The first few months was very much a case of sink or swim, if it hadn't worked then it might not have lasted the year, but you only had to be around Tristan and Alex to know they weren't going to let that happen. I think the award nomination in the first year helped strengthen its position within the Union after a year it felt like it had been there for ages.
Anthony Lloyd
Music editor 2003/4 What was the highlight of your Quench years? Endless gig going but interviewing Graham Coxon after his split from Blur was a particular highlight. The man is a genius and I couldn't belive how quiet and reserved he was. Interesting fact: he only wears shoes and we had a good chat about his shoe-shopping habits, especially from Clarkes.
What were your initial feelings when Quench first started out? It was exciting that we had a new format to play with and experiment, but there was also the added pressure of trying to continue the great tradition of the music pages. And how we were going to fit so many reviews on such a small page.
How do you feel in the knowledge that Quench is still going strong 50 issues on? Proud that
I was once involved and that we didn't completely fuck it up. Are we allowed to claim it as our legacy to Cardiff?
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CAKE
Because we can’t share our fabulous 50th Edition Celebration Cake with all of our lovely readers, Quench’s official cake-maker, Amy Harrison, shares her secret recipe so that you can join in with the festivities and make your own... You will need:
Weighing scales - Mixing bowl - Wooden Spoon - Cake tins - Glass Fork/Whisk - Sieve (optional) - An oven
For the sponge:
For the decoration:
Butter (6oz) Jam Caster sugar (6oz) (granulated sugar Butter (3oz) can work but isn’t up to scratch for Icing Sugar (6oz) the more sophisticated palate) Food colouring (just a tad) Eggs (3) Hundreds and thousands (millions) Self Raising Flour (6oz) Jelly Diamonds Vanilla Essence (just a little bit) Candy letters -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Preheat oven to 180 degrees. Grease cake tins with butter - Cream butter and sugar together in mixing bowl - Beat eggs in a separate glass with a fork or whisk - Fold the beaten eggs to the cake mix until smooth - Gradually sift in the self raising flour a little at a time - Mix well with the wooden spoon and add a wee bit of vanilla essence - Add food colouring to create an extra-special Quench-tastic sponge - Pour mix into the pre-greased cake tins - Bake for about 20 minutes - While the cake is cooking make the butter cream - Mix butter and icing sugar - Add a little food colouring to the butter cream if you fancy - Ensure the cake is cool before you decorate or else face certain disaster - Spread jam between the layers - Smother butter cream over cake - Decorate with hundreds and thousands, jelly diamonds, candy letters and whatQ U E N C H ever else you can get your 50th edition hands on
#17
vourite celebrate your fa to ke ca us io lic Easy-peasy, de student magazine’s 50 th edition...
INTERVIEWS
50 lines
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The interviews that said it all...
5 Bits of advice
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I think good journalism depends on how far you are prepared to push it. (Jon Snow)
5
Things you wouldn’t expect them to say
I think journalists can be extremely self-absorbed. (Rageh Omaar)
Persistence is the key. (Lindsay Doran)
I think there are people that are too bright in television. (Jon Snow) I don’t see the point in people doing reality TV just to raise their profile. (Ben Richards)
If you wanna do something, just do it, and don’t give up. (Scott Ryan)
If my kids must listen to a gangster rap album they listen to a clean version. (Spike Lee)
Be very determined. Be able to take knock-backs. (Debbie Chazen)
I find acting quite ridiculous. (Noel Fielding of The Mighty Boosh)
5 “ 8 “ Get as much practical experience as you can. (Rageh Omaar)
Great phrases
I love London. I would prefer to live here. (Dustin Hofffman) My mum finds my fame quite weird. (Lily Allen)
I fell in love with Simon Pegg. (Jean-Baptiste Andrea)
I find shoplifting relaxing. (Will Ferell)
I never went to college so I don’t really have anything to fall back on. (Rory Cochrane)
Fizzy logic (Ross Noble) i’m bringing goth back. (Noel Fielding)
TWENTY
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Psychobable pop. (Mika)
I’m too much of a careerist to care about politics anymore. (Paul Weller)
2 Statements we hope are true
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Gangster twee pop music (Los Campesinos)
The geekfather. (SImon Pegg)
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Hooray for gair rhydd! (Russell T Davies)
I was the kid that could not really be normal. (Mika)
Revelations
You can study in Cardiff and end up writing Doctor Who! (Rusell T Davies)
People in the UK are really passionate about music. (The Goo Goo Dolls)
INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
I loved being in Cardiff. Someone even brought us home-made Dalek cakes to the set when we were on Florentia Street. (Billie Piper)
“
5
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I loved my time as a student. (Ruth Jones)
Funny comments
I like stealing ladies’ lingerie. (Will Ferrell)
The geeks shall inherit the earth. (Simon Pegg) We don’t live in big tepee-shaped wafer houses. (Nick Frost) I beat jesus 5/3 (Rik Mayall)
The random
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The most embarrassing one was when I went to a club after flying to Newcastle. I walked into the club and there was 1000 people there, who I thought had come to see me. But I soon discovered that they had gone to see Rod Stewart in person, and I was due to be there the following week. (Jimmy White)
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When you go on stage and you have your socks on you are on fire! (Magic Numbers)
A guy refused to cut my hair unless I said something funny. I’m a comedian but I couldn’t come up with anything for a while. (Mark Watson) I went on a date to see Under Siege once but the girl laughed at really inappropriate times. I felt really awkward fo her. (Ross Noble) I sneezed over a girl I really fancied when I was a kid. (Luke, Nizlopi) I did a 900-seater venue on a bank holiday in Ipswich and there were literally a hundred people there. It’s painful. (Ed Byrne)
5
I would say that anyone who thinks they can really change another person, let alone a man, is slightly misguided. (Sarah Jessica Parker)
Feel my biceps. (Dustin Hoffman)
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This is all mad. (Emma Thompson on life)
I tend to have one thing in common with my characters. We are all tall and good-looking. (Will Ferrell)
INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
“
5
Matters of opinion
If you want to work with somebody on something, that’s compliment enough for anybody. Work is the ultimate compliment. (Garrison Keillro)
I will not take questions from a woman. (Borat)
Work hard and get lucky. (Nick McDonall)
5
Embarrassing scenarios
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We used to talk a lot and he promised me he would help me every step of the way if I was to be in a production of Death Of A Salesman. (Dustin Hoffman on Arthur Miller)
Nostalgic moments
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“
5
There was a storyline where Karl was pinching gnomes which I used to love, mainly from Marlene Kratz. He’d steal the gnomes and then send her a postcard from the gnomes. (Alan Fletcher)
I recall listening to the radio a lot as a kid in the 1930s. (Robert Altman)
INTERVIEWS
There’s no reason why you or anybody can’t go and bloody make a feature film for a couple of grand, and edit it and get a rough cut. (Scott Ryan) I’m quite an impatient person. (Seth Lakeman) Busted were one of the best bands of the past few years. (Peter Robinson)
TWENTYONE
INTERVIEWS
A New(er) Statesman Rik Mayall returns for a second time as amoral politician, Alan B’stard, but this time he’s bringing down New Labour. Rik talks to Nicola Menage about politics, comedy and his experience with death.
R
ik greets us in a small room at the New Theatre in Cardiff, the venue of his new show The New Statesman. Yet ‘new’ is probably the wrong word, Rik having already played the previously conservative politician in the television sitcom of the 80s. Now the writers believe that Labour has sunk so low the time is right for B’Stard’s return, having switched sides to become Mr Blair’s money-grubbing henchman with responsibilities including prices for peerages. “When my people need me I’m there. We brought down Thatcher in the 80s, and now we’re doing the same with Blair,” Rik claims confidently.
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I mean, people might say - hello Rik you’ve got a big penis..
Rik Mayall has had a prolific television career, including the sitcom The Young Ones, written by Mayall with long-standing friend Ben Elton and then-girlfriend Lise Mayer. Mayall subsequently starred in Bottom with Adrian Edmondson, playing similar roles to those in The Young Ones. Other programmes include The Comic strip Presents, Blackadder and All About George, plus various Westend productions such as Waiting for Godot, The Common Pursuit and The
TWENTYTWO
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Government Inspector. He shakes our hands warmly, full of energy and enthusiasm. In person he seems just as you would expect from watching the kind of offthe-wall, slightly manic characters he tends to play. “Fuck! I don’t like that question!” he starts as I ask how long ago it has been since he was last in Cardiff. “Um...2003. I’m normally in St. David’s Hall when I perform but now we’re in New Theatre in the first week of May.” Having played B’stard back in the 80s Rik is keen to justify why he’s doing the same thing again 20 years on, this time as a theatre production. “I mean, people might say - hello Rik you’ve got a big penis...” he says, laughing. “But anyway, me and Ben Elton
back in the 80s met Little Richard. It was amazing. He was always saying, ‘you gotta get the audience hiiigh…when you can’t get no higher, get off the stage.’ He says, in a laid back American accent.
He was bad in the TV series but now he’s a complete c**t
“He also said ‘don’t repeat gags.’ So, you may ask, ‘why am I doing the new statesman again?’ Basically the script is absolutely brilliant. It is what’s happening to British politics at the moment.” But for those who didn’t see the show back in the 80s, who exactly is Alan B’stard?
INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
INTERVIEWS Alan [B’stard] lives at number nine and Blair lives at number ten. Alan invented New Labour. He is very evil and very bad. “I think with the characters you do best there’s something of you in them, or maybe something you feel you ought not to be. And Alan is the most amoral character I’ve created ever I think - I know! He was bad in the TV series but now he’s a complete c**t!
“
Alan has a problem with the Scottish. I’ve gotta play in Aberdeen...I’m gonna die! “I had the opportunity to assemble a group of comic actors who I’m very pleased with. I’m the one who cast them so you wanna get dooowwwn to the New Theatre in Cardiff,” he says jokingly coolly, leaning into the mic. At this point in the interview the lights suddenly go out. “God?” he shouts questioningly. He turns to us, whispering, “You know I can talk to God, don’t you. I was dead for five days.” he says, matter-of-factly. “God!” he yells, “put the motherfucking lights back on! (in Welsh).” He resumes. “Only 60 percent of the audiences are people who have been to the theatre before. And we’ve got such a mix of audiences
now, Bottom fans, Rick Mayall fans...The experience [of this play] is very similar to the sitcom experience but the BBC won’t allow you to say certain things. You’d have to have lots of meetings before you get it approved. But it’s different with the theatre.” With The New Statesman touring around many venues in Britain over a period of months, does the show have to keep up-to-date with things that happen in the press? “Good question actually. Yes. We were on the road last summer and we played Bristol. The people who came to that show may recognise about a fifth of it. There’s such a rolling turnover of gags. When the business about Gordon Brown smoking pot at Eton came out Laurence [Marks] was on the bloody phone all the time pouring jokes in.” “But you know, I’m more famous than Tony...” he begins again, grinning. “There was a very flattering programme about me actually called comedy connections. Apparently an actual MP asked Blair in the House of Commons, ‘How do you feel about B’stard joining the Labour party?’ and Blair was flummuxed. I mean yes Blair’s famous, yes Jesus is famous but I’m Rik Mayall,” he grins, acknowledging this outrageous conceitedness. So why did he chose to do The New Statesman as a theatre production as opposed to another televi-
sion show? “Well, I’m a patriot. I’m Welsh. I’m fond of England too” he says in his prominently English accent. “Alan, though, he has a problem with the Scottish. I’ve gotta play in Aberdeen...I’m gonna die!” The show aims to be quite controversial, heavily challenging Blair and New Labour. But is he ever scared to do any of the jokes? “I wish I could say I was. A lesser performer would be. But did Jesus worry if the nails were going to hurt when he was put on the cross? Does Rik Mayall worry if the people will be cross with him? No.”
“
Yes, Blair’s famous, yes, Jesus is famous but I’m Rik Mayall
His reference to Jesus prompts him to talk about his quad bike accident in which he was, he says, “technically dead for five days.” “I had my accident the day before Good Friday - my kids call it Crap Thurdsay. There was blood spilling everywhere. The doctors were barely keeping me alive all of Easter. Then on the bank holiday Monday the Dr. said, ‘I think Rik’s going to pull through.’ So basically I beat Jesus 5 - 3. I think that gives me a certain significance when God told me to bring down Tony Blair.” Rik Mayall is Alan B’stard in The New Statesman at The New Theatre in Cardiff at the beginning of May.
B’stard meets and greets the public of Cardiff INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Photos: James Perou
TWENTYTHREE
INTERVIEWS
Mark tells us Wats-on Winner of If.comedies Panel Prize, holder of the record for longest ever gig and regular guest on BBC2’s Mock The Week, Welsh(ish) stand-up and published author Mark Watson likes to push boundaries. He talks to Nicola Menage about his upcoming tour...
M
ark greets me at a cafe in the centre of Cardiff with suitcase and bags, ready for a quick chat before he jumps on the train to make his gig later that night. A ranting, energetic Welshman on-stage, I’m eager to meet the real Mark and find out whether that accent is actually real or not. So, how’s the tour going so far? “Its been really nice so far. I was worried I may be a little sick of the show by now because I’m doing a similar show every night but in fact I’ve really enjoyed it. It’s nice to get audiences that have come especially to see you instead of doing the club circuits the whole time. By the time Cardiff comes round it will be near the end of the show so I think I’ll have a little more umph for that show.” Is it hard to keep your material fresh then? “It is hard, yeah. The more it goes on the better you do it because it’s really polished, but at the same time it’s hard if it becomes boring to you however funny it once may have been. I think the audience can sense if you’re just churning it out a bit. You see comedians all the time who are just doing their stuff; they’re still very proficient at it but it’s just not funny to them anymore. With my show there’s stuff where audiences draw things out of the hat and it can go either way. That helps me to feel like I'm not just trudging through the same stuff.” Do you ever improvise? “I do [sometimes improvise]. Again it depends on the night. Sometimes you get an audience that just wants to be entertained which is fair enough but I’ve got bits where I play
TWENTYFOUR
with the audience so it can often end up being quite improvised.” Onstage you have quite a strong Welsh accent but it’s not strong at all now. Is your accent fake? I play it up a bit on stage but also everything just gets more pronounced anyway. It’s partly a conscious thing, partly not really. I am aware of it but I don’t strain for it. I suppose it’s part of how I differentiate between how I am offstage and how I am offstage. Onstage I’m much more energetic and excitable generally so it helps me to go into that mode if I’ve got a slightly different voice. My parents are Welsh but I’m from Bristol so I’m sort of half and half really.
#20 Q U E N C H
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Are you proud of your Welsh connections? Absolutely, yeah. That’s why it doesn’t feel odd to me to be basically described as a Welshman. I mean if I was something that I just chose randomly, like a Zimbabwean or something then I couldn’t commit – I couldn’t possibly do it! But [the Welsh accent] is so instinctive to me because I’ve heard it all my life but I think if you were actually trying to do a fake accent then it would be impossible but I don’t really feel like it’s a fake.
My parents are Welsh but I’m from Bristol so I’m sort of half and half really
INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
INTERVIEWS Are you the same person onstage as offstage? It’s kind of is me onstage but exaggerated. My character onstage is quite ranting and sort of hyperactive and highly strung which is kind of what I’m like but a much more exaggerated and much more hysterical version of that. It’s all the things that I would want to say if I was like that in real life but I’m not. I store things up for my act. Is doing stand-up quite liberating then, in a way? It is for me, yeah. If I wasn’t a standup I think I'd probably be moaning a lot more in real life and be boring people a lot more! But by doing stand up I get the chance to get it out of my system without causing too much misery to other people! It’s nice to have a job where you can just go on and shout and complain about stuff and get things off your chest. How do you come up with your material? Do you just write things down when they pop into your head? Sometimes I write things down. I’ve got a little book which I’ve starting keeping recently because I’ve had thoughts before and then when you cant remember them it’s really frustrating! But I tend to just write tiny little notes. I never really write full jokes or anything. So even in a full show I’ve never got all of it written.
Do you prefer stand-up to writing and TV? It depends. With writing books, or with TV there’s always a lot of other people involved. In fact just pure stand-up is the best thing because noone knows what you’re going to say except you – even you don’t know what you’re going to say! So it’s the one thing that you have total control over. Do you try out material before you go onstage? I never really do. I might say to my wife ‘I’m thinking of talking about this…’ but I never try out jokes. Some people will. Sometimes in dressing rooms people may say ‘What do you think of this?’ but I never do. Also you need the context of the actual performance. In a gig where all the audience are up for it and everything’s flowing that’s very different from just being in a room with somebody and saying ‘see if this makes you laugh.’
What motivates you? Is getting rich something you strive for? I’m not really motivated by money as such. I'd rather have a following and be really well-regarded and just do alright financially rather than make a shit load of money and everyone not really rate you – I don’t see the point in that. I’m sure if you do makes loads of money and people think you’re a tosser you can easily just not worry about that by going and living in a nice house and never seeing them again but I'd rather be sure that everything I did I was really proud of. Finally, can you tell me about your marathon gig at the Edinburgh festival? I did a 24 hour gig and then a 33 hour gig last year, no, the year before and then 36 last year! So a day and a half just talking! The 36 hour show was the longest show anyone’s ever done apparently! It was just me but I did have guests come in and the audience doing stuff but I’m on stage pretty much the whole time.
I get the chance to get it out of
my system without causing too much misery to other people
You used to be a writer, is that right? My thing was to be a writer. I’ve written a couple of books – the second book comes out in August, Bullet Points. I didn’t actually see myself doing this. There was never a point where I thought ‘I'd like to be a comedian.’ I just thought ‘Maybe I’ll have a go at doing stand-up.’ I wouldn’t have thought it would be possible really because I didn’t know how you broke into the circuit. The first six months of a year I was just doing any gigs I got offered and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. And gradually you get a manager and get a sense of how it all works. I really just went into it thinking, ‘lets see how far I can push my luck’ and I still feel a bit like I’m doing that.
INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Have you had any nightmare interviews where someone has said ‘say something funny…’ Occasionally I’ve done live radio interviews and the DJ has said ‘so can you give us a sample of what our listeners can expect’ and you’ll think ‘well, no. Because the only way to do that is to do like half an hour or something and I don’t wanna do that…’ Also I once had a haircut and I don’t know how but the guy knew I was a comedian - maybe I stupidly mentioned it - and the guy was going ‘come on then, give us a joke, give us a joke!’ and because you’re just kind of trapped in this chair I was trying to change the subject saying ‘I don’t want to do a joke’ but in the end he said ‘I’m not cutting your hair until you do a joke.’ I can’t remember what I said, but it wasn’t very funny. He said ‘yeah, it needs a bit of work’ and we just sat there in silence. It was horrible! So now I don’t tell people I'm a comedian at all!
What gave you this idea? I don’t know I just wanted to do something really unusual that noone else would really bother to do. That was in 2004 and I thought a 24 hour show would be a funny way of doing that. Also physically I didn’t know if I would be able to do it and it’s quite fun doing stuff that you don’t know will work or not. You surely didn’t write that much material... No there was no way you can write something like that. It’s never really material based it’s just audience stuff, more an interactive community. Some people stayed for ages and they become like part of the show. So it becomes more like a big team effort really. I’m doing something like that this year as well but it won’t be as long. I don’t want it to be really miserable for everybody! Mark comes to the Glee club, Cardiff on the March 8
TWENTYFIVE
INTERVIEWS
the lowdown
with Amira and Nicky Random facts about the stars that will also be celebrating their 50th birthdays this year... * SPIKE LEE (March 20) is married to Tonya Lewis Lee. He teaches film at a New York film school and encourages his students to listen to the commentary. He has acted in a number of his own films. Most notable are his supporting roles in She's Gotta Have It, School Daze, and Malcolm X, and his leading role in Do the Right Thing. *MELANIE GRIFFITH (August 9) began work at just 9 months old in a commercial and later became an extra on Smith! (1969) and The Harrad Experiment (1973). Her first major role was in Arthur
Penn's Night Moves (1975), which got her attention and typecast her as a sexy nymphet. *STEPHEN FRY (August 24) was presented with an honorary doctorate from the University of Dundee, which named their main Students' Association bar after one of his novels ('The Liar Bar'). He has also served a term as Dundee's Lord Rector, and is patron of Dundee University's Lip Theatre Company.
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Q U E N C H
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In 2005, Fry was made honorary president of the Cambridge University Quiz Society, as well as an honorary fellow of Queens' College, his alma mater. * DONNY OSMOND (December 9) along with David Cassidy were easily the biggest "Cover Boy" pop stars for Tiger Beat magazine in the early 70's. *Raymond Romano (December 21) is an Emmy Award-winning, American actor and comedian best known for his starring role on the comedy series “Everybody Loves Raymond.�Romano went to Hillcrest High School in Queens and was in the same class as Fran Drescher.
FASHION
Dedicated followers of fashion 21 Fashion desk explores 50 years of how music has inspired fashion
60s T
he 1960s is widely renowned the decade when Britain enjoyed what can only be deemed a revolution in the fashion and music scene. Men became much more involved with image and styling. London earned its reputation as the swinging capital of the world, and music became increasingly creative and innovative. Top fashion spots
FASHION@GAIRRHYDD.COM
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Q U E N C H
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were the King’s Road in Chelsea and Carnaby Street in the West End. There was a new approach to dress, where clothes were designed as short-term novelties, rather than timeless pieces; new materials were used, such as Melinex, Lurex and PVC, and the brighter they were, the better. The Sixties were all about shaking off old traditions of drab austerity. Miniskirts and jeans, which became popular from 1965 onwards, represented a new freedom, confidence and exuberance. However, certain trends from previous decades helped create the eclectic mix that was 1960’s fashion. Men’s styles, as modelled by bands such as The Rolling Stones, were foppish, effeminate and selfconscious, an echo of the equally ostentatious Regency period. Women’s fashion was often based on the sensuous Twenties; the look, pioneered by teenage supermodel Twiggy, was enigmatic and waifish, with heavily made up eyes, false eyelashes, pale lips and sleek hair in the new geometric styles favored by Vidal Sassoon. Music in the Sixties was as varying as the fashion trends, from the folk music of Bob Dylan, to the Motown sound of The Temptations, to the rock and roll of The Who. By 1967, the hippy movement was established. The Beatles’ Sgt Pepper record, with its coded references to hallucinogenic drugs, welcomed in a new ‘psychedelic’, surreal form of popular music. Fashion, in its turn, changed to a looser, bohemian style – patterned maxi skirts and cheesecloth blouses. But the Summer of Love didn’t last, and The Beatles’ split in 1970 signaled, sadly, the end of an era. Tasha Prest- Smith
TWENTYSEVEN
FASHION Cathryn Scott, former Cardiff Q U E N C H student and 50th edition current editor of WM in the Western Mail, on the looks that will be big this summer
#22
1. Shorts
Bad news for those of us who hate our legs, but whether they're micro or city, shorts will be everywhere this Spring. Wear with opaque tights and knee high boots to disguise any lumpy bits, with a white shirt and fitted waist coat to work, or with a bustier for a night out.
70s
The 70s was a time when prog- rock, glam-rock, disco, folk and punk all ruled supreme, and people definitely dressed to reflect their taste. Spilling over from the sixties, some hippies were still listening to psychedelic rock, with floral prints and high-waisted flares being the fashion staples of the day. The new, even bigger, Biba emporium had just opened on London’s Kensington High Street and sprung to new heights as the Veritable Topshop of the 1970s; offering on- trend, well-made clothes for affordable prices. Biba counted musicians Cher, Yoko Ono and even Barbara Streisand as devoted customers. Its signature style was a combination of ornate vintage with a combination of ornate vintage with modern-day trends, which resulted in a very distinctive look. The Emporium also hosted regular live music shows including performances from the
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New York Dolls, Liberace and The Bay City Rollers. Biba wasn’t the only influential fashion landmark of the 1970s; Vivienne Westwood and Malcolm McClaren’s King’s road hang-out, SEX was the fashionable meeting place of the time for angry punks and punkettes. They listened to the Sex Pistols, The Damned and Siouxsie and the Banshees and wore deconstructed clothes fastened together with safety-pins to reflect the disrepair of post-war society. This was teenage rebellion at its greatest, with Punks sporting shocking bleached and multicoloured hairstyles and fetish-wear; the likes of which had never been seen before. On the more fun-loving side there were the disco-divas with their Fara- Fawcett hair and brightly coloured synthetics. These Saturday-night fever fashionistas were kitted out in spandex hot-pants and platform boots while boogying away to bands like Boney-M and Kool & the Gang. Leana Crookes
2. Cobalt blue
When Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet both turned up at the Palm Springs film festival wearing dresses in the same colour, it wasn't so much a fashion faux pas as a declaration that they were both way ahead of the trend with cobalt blue the shade to be seen in this season.
3. A big bag
Whether it's Dior or Dorothy Perkins, when it comes to bags, supersize it. Just don't blame us if your back starts to ache from carrying it around all day.
4. A tunic dress
Great with leggings for work, over jeans for casual or tights for a night out, the humble tunic dress is not only on-trend but also a great bargain as it's so versatile. Wear with a long heart-shaped pendant chain to show you're really up to the moment.
5. Ethical clothing
With People Tree and TopShop teaming up for a new range of clothing and every where from Next to Oasis selling clothes made from organic cotton, ethical clothing is big news this year. For ultimate eco-chick cool though, opt for shops such as Fair Do's or Halcyon Daze in Cardiff, which are packed full of fairly traded and ethically traded items yet aren't part of multi-national retail empires.
FASHION@GAIRRHYDD.COM
FASHION In the 1980s, the relationship between music and fashion consisted of giving a theatrical and flamboyant middle finger to its punk predecessor and embracing all things bold, glam and androgynous. The New Romantic movement got on its high horse and declared Boy George its fashion king. The backlash against the briskness of punk was led by a woman who helped to bring punk to the mainstream in the first place. Vivienne Westwood would redefine the basic silhouette for both genders and used the New Romantics, particularly Adam and the Ants, as her muse. Frilly cuffs and buccaneer style shirts were taking over and the quintessential early 80s blending of music and fashion was epitomized in the 1982 Pirate collection. The idea of the pirate look apparently came from an idea her then beau, Malcolm McLaren, had of translating the ‘pirating’ of music that had begun to take place with the invention of the humble blank cassette into fashion.
80s The effeminacy of the pirate look on men - enhanced by the popularisation of bold and streaky make-up on both sexes - was counteracted by a more masculine look for women as shoulder pads created a much more powerful and manly silhouette. Then Madonna and the movie Flashdance came along, boosting sales of legwarmers and starting a trend for 80s teenage girls to rip their sweaters.
Fashion update
And it didn’t get any better with the late 1980’s hair-metal genre proclaiming acid-washed jeans and big frizzy hair the new black. Sound and style, then, clashed in the 80s and gave us luxurious, flamboyant and narcissistic clothing that most of us would only wear now to a fancy dress party. Matthew Hitt
WESTWOOD: Better dressed than Tim
ed to grow: the student-favourite Drop Dead Budgie started stocking their lines and things took of. In Quench’s first year Fashion Desk did a small Three years later and BowHo has gone from on feature on two ex-Cardiff students who were Q U E N C H strength to strength. Camilla has left to pursue fed up with looking for jobs they didn’t want. 50th edition other things, but Josie has become hugely sucSo they started their own clothing label: Bowho cessful. She now has clothing stocked in shops all was born. over the South West and is about to launch a stand in The brainchild of Josie and Camilla, BowHo was a Topshop’s flagship store on the ground floor in Oxford fashion label with a difference. The girls used antique Street. Quench readers can find out just how far Josie materials to create unique pieces such as skirts made has come since we last spoke to her in one of the next from old scarves and belts. They started small with a editions. few stalls in the Union every so often. Then they start-
FASHION@GAIRRHYDD.COM
#24
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FASHION
90s The 90s is a hard decade to define. Although we may be children of the 90s we are only just getting to the stage when we can look at an episode of ‘Saved By the Bell’ and say “that is soooo nineties.” But with the mish mash of Rave, Britpop, Grunge and Girl Power, and the fashion that came hand in hand with these trends, what was the 90s all about? It seems the unifying factor is the gutsy independent attitude of dressing to show, who you were and where you came from. The girls got girly, led by the Spice Girls with their criminal combinations of Posh’s PVC, Sporty’s sports bra
00s THIRTY
and Baby’s bunches. With the squeaky clean exception of the boyband, the lads got laddy. Starting with the hoodies and statement t-shirts of the grunge movement, and progressing to the parka and trainer look of the Gallagher brothers. Kurt Cobain said “come as you are” and Oasis were all about their Manchester roots and “Cigarettes and Alcohol” It was drugs, glow sticks, acid faces and a blinding array of neon colours that defined Rave culture. This was the ultimate in “fuck-you” fashion with not so much as a nod to designers or catwalks.
The 90s is often described as the era of “anti-fashion” but an article on fashion wouldn’t be fashionable without a brief mention of Kate Moss. At 5’6”, this Croydon teenager was the anti-supermodel for the antifashion age. So the 90s was a bit of a free-for-all. Like the anthemic music, some of the fashion trends are revealing a timeless quality; think New Rave and the trusty Parka but I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want: never to see a Hanson set of curtains and stonewashed jeans ever again. Mary Parkes and Jo Butler
In the early 00s, music and fashion in London centred around the East End. Trouble is, The Libertines were the only decent band from there and one band a scene doth not make. Nevertheless, it was around this time that Hedi Slimane was made Creative Director at Dior Homme and on a trip to Britain he decided to produce a photography book entitled ‘Birth of a Cult’. The book looked at Pete Doherty and his East End surroundings, documenting the hedonistic lifestyle, the gigs and, inadvertently, the fashion. Taking inspiration from this, Slimane thrust the new indie-boy look onto the catwalk and had super skinny models wearing super skinny clothes. Since then, Dior Homme has proceeded to adopt the Doherty silhouette and has been producing sharp and lean clothes for their lines ever since. The turn of the millennium also saw numerous musicians believing they were capable of taking over a fashion designer’s job. Bringing out their own clothing lines were: Jay-Z, who unleashed his Rocawear brand upon the world, and Gwen Stefani, designing her own label, LAMB and showcasing the clothes at New York Fashion Week. More recently NuRave has been enjoying what will probably be a brief resurgence, taking the acid-strained clothes of the early 90s but giving them an overall slimmer fit. Looking to the future, I suppose it’s up to the airwaves to decide what’ll be on the catwalk in the coming seasons. Matthew Hitt
FASHION@GAIRRHYDD.COM
TRAVEL
Heroes in a half shell Showbusiness has taught us one thing; never work with animals or children.We don’t like children, so here’s a few animals we like...
Orangutans and Turtles in Borneo
W
e spent the last week of our gap year in Borneo seeing rehabilitated orangutans in Sepilok and green turtles laying their eggs on an island imaginatively called Turtle Island. At Sepilok we waited on a platform looking for anything that moved in the rainforest. Ten minutes passed and nothing… another ten minutes and still nothing… another ten minutes and we hear a rustle - for the last half hour, a giant orangutan has been chilling on a branch, wondering what everyone was looking for. Young orangutans are released in pairs; the wild is a scary place and they are often seen trying to swing through the trees whilst holding to one another for dear life. They manage quite well given the circumstances. From hot rainforest to white beaches, Turtle Island is a picture of paradise. Our next wildlife experience snuck up on us once again; while looking out to sea on the beach we were accosted by one tiny turtlet making the dash for the sea. It wasn’t long before his hundreds of
Elephants: Stealthy
#25 Q U E N C H
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brothers and sisters made their plight as well. Not stopping for sun bathers or beach towels, each one struggled their way to the sea, before swimming off like some turbo charged children’s bath toy. It was sad to know that only 1 in one hundred was going to make it to adulthood. Both conservation centres work extremely hard, and although primarily tourist funded, it was clear the animals came before us. At Sepilok, a baby orangutan takes 7 years to be fully rehabilitated into the wild. At Turtle Island, a dedicated team scours the beach at night to ‘steal’ eggs from the laying mother turtles, only to bury them in the predator free nursery, and release them again 8 weeks later. The whole experience is exhilarating, and equals the rush of any skydive or bungee jump, whilst also making you realise that this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity; without these organisations, we wouldn’t have these fantastic creatures. Leila Pinder
Make the world a better place Have we inspired you to save the planet, one animal at a time? Get online, show your support and feel good... Millennium Elephant Foundation: www.eureka.lk/elefound Sepilok Orangutan Sanctuary: www.orangutan-appeal.org.uk
TRAVEL@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Elephants in Sri Lanka
L
et’s admit it, waking up at 7 in the morning is rarely fun. But for two months I positively leaped out of bed in the morning with that same feeling in my belly of the childhood excitement of Christmas morning every morning, ‘cos I had an elephant to wash. I was in the heart of Sri Lanka, volunteering for the Millennium Elephant Foundation. With nothing to do in the village, I was slightly dubious as to what exactly I would do to fill my time. But if paradise can exist without white beaches and clear waters this was it. After the initial leap out of bed in the morning I would meet up with my elephants mahout (an elephants mother in human form) and we would rouse the old lady out of her sleeping area and set about picking up her poo. Now you could don the gloves and the wellies but when in Rome do as, and so in I would go au naturale; bare feet and hands. After a coconut husk rub, breakfast and a good shower, the rest of the day was spent on various elephant duties. There was the hiding of elephant medication in loaves of bread, the elephant massages and the trips to the jungle on ellie food expeditions and believe me, they eat a lot. For those two months having a pet elephant becomes a way of life. Ok, so maybe it’s not the party epicentre of the country, but can you say you have elephant handling experience on your CV?! Kat LeFever
THIRTYONE
TRAVEL #26 Q U E N C H
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Cirque du cruelty
O
ur Year 11 school trip to Moscow was advertised to our parents as a ‘Cultural Learning Experience’, but the trip’s notoriety as a vodka-fest always ensured it was a hit with students. But no one ever anticipated that we would come home so culturally enlightened. On the second night in Moscow we had the option of visiting the circus. This excursion had never been offered before so we were all eager to go. The ringmaster opened the show as he led a spectacle of dancing and acrobatics, followed by an amazing display of magic; this was far better than the previous night’s opera. It was impressive to watch six acrobats spinning chairs on their feet in unison. That was until eightfoot poles were brought into the arena with two small dogs on perches at either end of the pole. Each acrobat had one of these poles placed on their feet and they did the unthinkable, and began spinning the poles, and dogs around. This was then followed with a tiger display. The sad-eyed creature was made to tackle an obstacle course. The ringmaster whipped the beautiful creature and as it slalomed through the course its ribs poked out. In my naïve excitement about clowns and acrobats, I had forgotten that Russian circuses were famous for their animals but infamous for the way they treated their animals. The cruelty we were confronted with was a real shock to us all. The animals were completely passive to it all, and our imaginations ran wild with the conditions these animals were being kept in. What was most shocking was how some locals were indulging in the cruel displays. We returned to our hotel that night and sat in shock after our experience. We had come face to face with a cultural experience that we had never imagined possible. Amy Harrison
THIRTYTWO
Amy Harrison and the three bears #27 Former Travel editor Amy Harrison tells us about her grizzly encounter
Q U E N C H
50th edition
M
anifested in heraldry, statues and tacky souvenirs, the bear is the inescapable icon of Berlin. Yet in the middle of a concrete jungle the The skill with which they peeled last thing you expect to discover - even in a city of oranges was incredible bears - is a real bear, let alone three. I was surprised that the encloWhen the audio guide at the sure was such a reasonable size Fernsehturm (Television Tower) and so well created with trees, a made a fleeting reference to three pond, and a concealed enclosure bears that lived in Berlin, I became for sleeping. Food was hidden intrigued. Three bears? Living in among wood chips and hanging Berlin? from the trees to allow them to forI drew a blank with my Rough age. The enclosure was no worse Guide and so enquired at a tourist than those at the greatly publicised office. The assistant was reluctant Berlin Zoo. to disclose information but eventuWhen I got home I trawled ally gave me directions to Google to find out more. Köllnischer Park. The secrecy and Information in English was scarce, lack of publicity served to worry me but the tourist sites showed their as to the conditions in which I disapproval with vocabulary such would find the bears. as ‘bear pit’, ‘imprisoned’ and ‘sad On the edge of Köllnischer Park, sight’. in a quiet corner of a bustling city Looking back at my experience were Tilo, Maxi and Schnute. I, a with the Berliner Bären it was a lone tourist, stood mesmerised for real curiosity. The Berliners were so an hour standing just six feet away; proud to display their city’s icon in the skill with which they peeled every shape and form, yet the real oranges was incredible and their life Berliner Bären seemed to be games, play fights and kisses were Berlin’s best kept secret. endearing.
TRAVEL@GAIRRHYDD.COM
TRAVEL
It’s a dog-eat-traveller world out there Travel editor Chris Rogers gives an account of a wildlife encounter with a bit more bite...and foam
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onely Planet warns that “in the Mongolian countryside, family dogs are often vicious and can be rabid.” However, they fail to mention that they are also a source of much entertainment. While staying in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, my travel companions and I decided to take a trip out to the Gobi. One man, who was starting up a tourist business in Mongolia, agreed to take us for a reasonable price. We were his first customers, and therefore many of his ideas fell through due to a lack of experience and organisation. However, his plan to show us the Mongolian wildlife did not. One vivid memory I have is winding down the jeep window to meet the eyes of a dog with a look on its face that was not dissimilar to that of Linda Blair’s in The Exorcist. It was accompanied by a small boy, who looked more rabid than the dog. This was our driver’s cue. He beeped his horn, waved his arm out of the window, and taunted the dog with a series of whistles and jeers as he put his foot down on the pedal. As we accelerated off, so did the dog. It tailed us, head-butting the car with foam seeping from the corners of its mouth and its tongue flying like a red flag in the wind. What struck me as I dared to peek out of the window was
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the expression of glee it had on its face; it seemed to love the chase, I could see by the look in its left eye. Its right eye was red with rage. This was the first of many memorable experiences we had with the Mongolian dogs.
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Pretty wild when compared to your average British pooch I had the wonderful idea of filming these dog chases and making a montage of them accompanied by the song: ‘Who let the dogs out?’ Would that have not been absolutely hilarious? I could have even put it on Youtube. It’s a sad fate that moments of profound creativity like this can slip through our fingers and fail to materialise. It makes you wonder how many other great pieces of art have not made it past the mind of the conceiver. Despite seeing wild horses running across the Gobi, curious camels venturing close to us and majestic eagles soaring above, by far my favourite wildlife encounter was with the Mongolian devil dogs. Although these dogs are strictly domestic, they are pretty wild when compared to your average British pooch.
What we’re dealing with
Mongolian Wildlife Hazards Watch out for a species known as the drunk. This advice on how to deal with a drunk is taken from www.asia-planet.net “Drunks tend to be more of an annoyance than a danger. Drunks are easily recognised by a stumbling walk. They tend to be on their own rather than in large groups. If you are approached by a drunk, try to walk away. If they follow, try running - they're unlikely to catch up with you.”
THIRTYTHREE
FOOD #28 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Top 50 British Dishes Joanne Grew and Laura Rowe find you the top 50 traditional dishes from our home countries. Food trace back to see what our favourite foods are from Wales, England, Scotland and Ireland, as rated by you Here is a countdown to your top ten dishes, favoured all over Britain
10. Coronation chicken 9. Fishcakes 8. Steak and kidney pie 7.Fisherman’s pie 6. Beef stew and
And the winner is... Fish and Chips Bloody lovely! A favourite since the Victorian period, our nation should be truly proud.
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dumplings 5. Cottage pie 4. Bubble and squeak 3. Toad in the hole 2. Sunday roast
10. Salt duck with onion sauce 9.Leek, potato and bacon soup 8. Welsh cheese bake 7. Cockles with laverbread 6. Steamed leek pudding 5. Honeyed lamb with rosemary 4. Welshcakes 3. Welsh rarebit 2. Barabrith
And the winner is... Cawl This traditional Welsh stew-like dish consisting of meat and vegetables is a firm favourite. It goes down extremely well with crusty bread. Not only is it healthy, it’s delicious too.
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FOOD
10. Potted shrimps 9. English trifle 8. Faggots and gravy 7. Spotted dick 6. Cornish pasty 5. Beef wellington 4. Jam and scones 3. Lancashire hotpot 2. Traditional Engllish breakfast
And the winner is...
10. Roast groude 9. Salmon hash 8. Steak ‘Auld Reekie’ 7. Smoked salmon paté with crusty bread 6. Roastit bubbly jock 5. Ham and raddie pie 4. Corned beef souffle 3. Cauliflower cheese soup 2. Arbroath toasties
And the winner is...
10. Champ scallions with potatoes 9. Beef with Guinness and parsley 8. Pigs trotter with peppercorns and veg 7. irish breakfast with soda bread 6. Dublin Bay prawns in white wiine 5. Boxty - Irish potato pancake 4. Coddle - sausage and bacon with potato in onion stock 3. Calcannon - mash potato with cabbage 2. Irish Stew
And the winner is...
Sausage and Mash
Haggis
Ulster Fry
As it says on the tin…but gorgeous nonetheless. This traditional dish has won us over. Add a little gravy to make it mouth watering with delight. Simple to make, you can’t go wrong.
This traditional dish is made from sheeps’ heart, lungs and liver with oatmeal, onions and nutmeg. Traditionally prepared in boiled animal’s stomach, commercial and modern day haggis uses casing instead.
This is made from locally-produced bacon, sausage, egg and bread, additional variations can include pork chops, steak, kidney, liver, tomato or mushroom.
FOOD@GAIRRHYDD.COM
THIRTYFIVE
GAY #29 Q U E N C H
50th edition
dream girl
Quench takes time out with one of Cardiff’s most popular drag acts, Pixie Perez, and get mauled in the process
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s we are welcomed in to Pixie Perez’s swanky Grangetown pad, we really can’t help but notice the glittering pair of giant gold platform boots casually dropped by the staircase. This is clearly the home of a drag artist. Pixie is without a doubt a staple of the Cardiff scene. Holding residencey at the city’s Golden Cross, she entertains her punters every Wednesday with her own style of cabaret. But it hasn’t always been that way. After studying classical piano and eventually graduating from the Welsh College of Music and Drama, Pixie aka Gary Mullins’
career took an unexpected turn: “while I was there I couldn’t forsee a time where i would be making much money, so I decided to put the music on hold.” It was soon after that Gary was introduced to an infamous face of the Cardiff drag circuit, Miss Kitty. After pestering Miss Kitty on a weekly basis to join her on stage, Kitty finally caved in and Pixie Perez was pushed into the limelight: “I used to ask her every Friday evening ‘Do you think you’re beautiful?’ and she replied ‘yessss’.” Drag Queens obviously aren’t known for their modesty.
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“In gay shows it’s all ABBA, hands in the air and all that crock of shit” Pixie then performed in Ibiza before returning to her home turf. That’s not to say that the female impersonater has neglected the Welsh capital of her time and showtunes: “I always like going away. Belfast, Copenhagen, etc, it keeps me fresh and it keeps me on my toes.” But she always enjoys returning to a home crowd and the unique clientele of the Golden Cross. These poor individuals are somewhat easy targets for the likes of Pixie’s scathing insults, something that she has acquired a reputation for. The art of a put-down is something Pixie certainly has a hold of: “There’s a way of getting away with saying the most horrible things to people. I like to lull victims into a false sense of security and then hit them hard when they least expect it.” Pixie even confessed to breaking an unfortunate individual after bru-
THIRTYSIX
tally declaring him a “ginger love puff”. That’s the great thing about Pixie, she knows how to work a crowd to her advantage. She’s a selfconfessed bitch whose lashing tongue is often followed by a flutter of the eyelids and the phrase “But you know I’m only joking, cherub.” Even Gay Quench didn’t get off lightly. When we popped in to see her Wednesday show, we were singled out as students, after Pixie apparently caught a whiff of “pot noodle and damp.” If any drag artist is going to take over the world, it has to be Pixie. This is evident after her recent footing in a popular BBC medical drama. The Casualty producers approached Pixie for a slutty Madonna-esque performance in a recent episode. However, she was forced to mime after it was discovered that Pixie’s vocal stylings were somewhat flat: “I’m not a singer” she confessed. It seems Pixie posseses a degree of self-awareness that many members of the Cardiff scene tend to lack. Overall, her experience was an enjoyable one. Despite facing seven o’clock make-up calls on a cold Bristol morning and her request for a gang rape scene being declined, Pixie was sure that Guppy was after her: “I could feel something rubbing up against my arm.” We wouldn’t be too surprised if the male cast of Casualty were infact lusting after Miss Perez, who, when in full costume, scrubs up pretty nicely. The transformation from Gary to Pixie is an incredible one. This is aided by Pixie moving costume designer and the proprietor of Glamour House Frocks, former drag artist Marcia, into her Cardiff abode. It’s at this point in the interview that Pixie peers under her dining table, insinuating that her dress maker is actually a small foreign boy going by the name of ‘Ting Tong’.
GAY@GAIRRHYDD.COM
GAY because I gain so much enjoyment from her.” It almost seems as if Pixie is like an ex-wife that will never quite go away. Pixie’s views on the importance of having a prominent gay voice in society are distinctly positive. “I think it is superb. Ten years ago I came out and found it easy. Ten years before that it was terrible.” Pixie finds that a lot of gay men are stuck in relationships that simply go against their true sexual orientation. In this sense recent generations of gay people truly should be thankful. “Growing up I used to get called ‘Gay Gary’ and ‘Doctor Spock’, but apart from that I haven’t had much abuse at all. Things like the Quench Gay section are great ‘cause they’re getting the word out there.” For more information on Pixie Perez including future appearances visit www.pixieperez.com
“Ipswich haven’t had much luck have they? With the five prostitutes gone and now the turkeys, where do you go for a gobble?”
GAY@GAIRRHYDD.COM
#30 Q U E N C H
50th edition
PHOTO: Matt Horwood
Her current housemate has had a lasting influence on Pixie’s act. She cites Marcia and Kerry Dupree as important figures in her career after watching them performing at Minsky’s showbar on Charles Street. Outside of the drag circuit Pixie’s influences lie in the classical genre, opera and musical theatre, with the recent ‘Wizard of Oz’ spin-off ‘Wicked’ proving to be one of her favourites. She also declares her love for “all that pompous circumstance stuff.” Unlike most teenage boys, Gary was often caught by his mother, in front of the mirror, hairbrush in hand singing along to ‘Cabaret’. Pixie’s shows often encapsulate the excitement and glamour of such musicals. She seemingly expresses the sentiment that no one likes a power ballad, preferring anything up tempo: “In gay shows it’s all ABBA, hands in the air and all that crock of shit.” Pixie has also expressed a liking for performing songs by such artists as Queen, as it allows her to blur the boundaries of gendered vocal performance further: “It’s quite good when you can take the genre of drag and add a male perspective, singing masculine songs from a female point of view.” In order to enhance her performance, Pixie has recently given up the fags. But it hasn’t been easy: “I’m on heroin now.” Pixie is not one to shy away from current affairs either. When the recent bird-flu epidemic came in to conversation she stated “Ipswich haven’t had much luck have they? With the five prostitutes gone and now the turkeys, where do you go for a gobble?!” With Quench turning the ripe old age of 50 issues, we wanted to know where Pixie sees herself in 50 year’s time. This caused a little panic to occur as Pixie choked “I’ll be 80!” More worryingly, avoiding rehab is top of the agenda. If that goes to plan she’ll hopefully be playing the piano in a nice house, not without her faculties and keeping her good friends around her. Gary hopes to gradually fade Pixie out of his life. “I don’t want to do this job forever, but I’ll never give her up completely
We ask ex-Gay editor Ian Loynd about the importance of our humble little section
Many misconceptions exist in Wales regarding issues of sexual identity. We collectively fail to recognise, celebrate and respect our differences. Prejudice is commonplace, accepted and rarely challenged. Non-heterosexual learners were poorly represented in student media and the gay section aimed to provide a platform for reasoned discourse on all matters regarding sexual orientation. Homophobic intolerance is a significant contributor to antisocial behaviour in Wales’ schools, places of work and communities. The use of the word gay has come to mean anything which is disliked, substandard or dysfunctional. Its perpetual misuse, albeit conscious or unconscious, can lead to educational and professional underachievement, lack of confidence, low self-esteem and even suicide. Equality of opportunity is a right for all people and publications such as gair rhydd are to be congratulated for the part they play in exposing discriminatory cultural taboos.
THIRTYSEVEN
KEVTHINKSTHINGS #31
Q U E N C H
50th edition
THIRTYEIGHT
KEV@GAIRRHYDD.COM
REVIEWS
IN REVIEWS THIS WEEK ! Tunes of Sweden ! The Magic Numbers with their new tune ! Little " Saturday Night Fever will keep you staying Man Tate at The Point !" " The Alchemist all the wey from South America !" " Going out alive !"
#32 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Riding not so high GHOST RIDER Dir: Mark Johnson Starring: Nicholas Cage, Eva Mendes Out Now, 110 mins
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ight, hands up who saw the Ghost Rider trailer and thought it looked awful. Pofaced lack of humour? Check. CGI worse than The Reef? Check. Nic Cage’s suspicious hair plugs? Very, very much check. But these days, a trailer’s quality bears as much relation to the standard of a movie as the average Times review does; you have to do the opposite of what it says on the tin. Cage is Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcyclist with an uncanny ability to survive accidents. And because he’s the Devil’s bee-atch, he turns
REVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
into a fiery skeleton with never-quitespecified powers whenever Big Red needs an oddjob done. So far, so yawn. So why is it so passable? First off, Cage is a surprising comic talent. His left eyebrow contains more comedic value than wink-wink wankathon The Fantastic Four.
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His left eyebrow contains more comedic value than wink-wink wankathon The Fantastic Four
More importantly, director Mark Johnson knows that people see superhero flicks for brain-easy wowsers. There are gawp-worthy graphics, which are nigh-on impossible in a post-LOTR world. For goodness sake, there’s a horse made of fire. Without dropping acid at
Review of the week
Cineworld (and I know the manager, he won’t approve), this is as fun as CGI gets. Plus there’s more emphasis given to movie-making than to continuity, which is great because (a) it makes it far more fun, and (b) it leads to hilariously massive plot holes. People’s powers come and go. Nic Cage is supposed to be attractive. And a major character literally vanishes on screen for no reason whatsoever. I don’t want to give Ghost Rider credit above its station; it’s a revelation compared to the trailer, but it’s no Blade Trinity as far as knockabout superhero fun goes. There’s a fair few shits and giggles to squeeze out of the film, but if you’ve got your irony sensors on full waggle, there’s nothing more to glean than there is from the trailer. Andrew Mickel
THIRTYNINE
MUSIC
The Band Wagon
Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Thought of the week...
NEWS IN BRIEF: Firstly and foremost this week Rage Against the Machine have announced another three gigs, this time on the hip-hop Rock the Bells tour alongside rapping aficionados The Wu Tang Clan. Queens of the Stone Age will be releasing a new record around the time of June. It is rumoured to feature appearances from the likes of Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails), Mark Lanegan (Screaming Trees) and, perhaps, strangely, Julian Casablancas (The Strokes). The record will be called Era Vulgaris. And Sof’s Mum is 50 today, especially for Quench 50!
FORTY
Saturday February 24th
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stronauts are supposed to be Harvard brainiacs with degrees in astro-cubic dimensionalism and a liking for microwavable powdered jelly. She might not have a Nasaendorsement but squeezed into a blue space-cadets jump suit The Gossip’s Beth Ditto sure looks like a messenger from the future, albeit one
with hair extensions and a mouth dirtier than a Glastonbury mud-tan. Strutting across the stage to the vintage stomp of Standing In The Way Of Control it's as if she's been sent from another galaxy, beamed down to stamp on today's machoistic posturing. Confident, cheeky, selfassured she's every inch the political power-ranger. In words, more futuristic than Armageddon and no space for improve- Q U E N C H 50th edition ment. Greg Cochrane
#33
QUENCH LOVES LOCAL LEAVE THE CAPITAL/ TRUCKERS OF HUSK Clwb Ifor Bach 23rd Feb
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s a plethora of feedback and noise fills the air, for a brief moment it seems another insipid volume-over-content rock band has taken to the stage. This moment, however, is only shortlived, as even before I have time to suggest retreating to the comfort of the bar the truly captivating sound of Truckers of Husk is revealed. Separating them from my original suspicion are melodic guitar lines seemingly sent straight from heaven, all the while backed by a tireless jazz-inspired effort on drums which prickles the spines of an increasingly attentive crowd. After tearing through a concise and relentless support set, we are treated with an
LTC: London or Cardiff?
PHOTO: JAMES PEROU
H
ello all. Big news this week. As you may or may not have noticed, inside your lovely plastic wrapped gair rhydd/Quench 50th edition bumper lies a hidden treasure. Over the last three weeks we have been working away to bring you a twenty or so page pullout on the local music scene. I don’t want to repeat what we’ve already written in the editorial but it really is a great little pull out. Bit like a catalogue of local music, not a comprehensive list of bands unfortunately but we’ve had a good crack at making it so. Even more exciting however is the fact that the accounting bods at the union managed to scurry around and find us enough funds to attach a free CD on to the paper, and it’s damn good, even if we do say so ourselves. My current favourite tracks are The Wave Pictures’ little number, The Airplanes of Brescia and Gindrinkers’ abrasive homage to Jim Bowen, God of Darts. However these are likely to change by the time the CD goes to print: my mind flies around like a sparrow, moving from one great track to another. Anyhow I urge you all to listen. Quick. Will Hitchins
The Gossip
Astoria London
Quench’s Local Pullout. O’yeah!
epic finale, as the band makes use of multiple drummers and Van Halen-esque guitar wackiness. Quite an act to follow, one might say, and this proves to be the case. While Leave The Capital can certainly string a catchy song together, it just has no place with what had gone before, and at times it all starts to sound a bit Snow Patrol. Although admittedly that’s a cruel tag to place upon any band, this unfortunate dose of dreary radio rock fails to impress on a night which had promised so much. Kyle Ellison
Check Out: It’s here. Make sure you’ve picked up you’re free CD with this bumper 50th edition of Quench. Brimming over with enough local tunes to keep even the most far-gone of music fiends smiling and dancing.
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
MUSIC I'm afraid to say that The Automatic were no more than I expected. They played well, but there was far less audience interaction and they didn't even receive a chant. The scream-y-ness of The Automatic is just too much. It is my personal opinion that if this annoyance was disposed of the band would be a little bit less awful. But what do I know? They fit the generic 'indie-rock' genre and so they're still going to do well. Gillian Couch
The View had an astounding reception from the audience (who all appear to be incredibly tall and excitable). They created highly original chants such as “the view, the view, the view are on fire” and sung passionately throughout the whole set. The View were pretty impressive to see live. They played and performed well, doing their well-aired numbers brilliantly and captivating the audience no less with their more unknown tracks. GC
They were preceded by lively Sussex lads Mumm-Ra, who are rapidly making a name for themselves. Forthcoming single What Would Steve Do was a highlight, while in Out of the Question they have a song which will help them consistently end their gigs on a high. All in all, Mumm-Ra’s performance conjured up memories of Californian nearlymen The Jealous Sound, and more of the same may well see them move on to bigger and better things. Tom Victor
r u o T s d r a w A E M N s e v a w k Shoc
INDIE ROCK (Above): The Horrors drummer Coffin Joe was the victim of bronchitis on this particular evening, leaving many curious ear drums still curious. With previous NME Awards Tour line ups lining the streets with exicitment, this doesn’t really compare.
INDIE RAVE (Below) : These bands were not just genuinely having fun but seemingly one hell of a party too. Lovefoxxx could be heard screaming, “We’re having so much fun on this tour, even soundcheck is fun. Everyone is amazing!”
#34 Q U E N C H
50th edition
PHOTOS: JAMES PEROU, ED SALTER, JAMESON KERGOZOU Sliding their way from first on at Clwb to headlining this tour Klaxons don’t waste time with meagre introductions and simply tear straight into the sweat-filled expanse before them. A machine very much powered on the rainbow-flecked viscosity of forceful drum beat coated in liquid, crystalised guitar, their bright neon paint dripping through the cracks. With a throng of songs more catchy than a common student cold energy levels reach frequently dizzy heights but tend to leave centrefold flat in an otherwise sharp and intriguing set. Sofie Jenkinson Second up, on sauntered Sunshine Underground. Sub-Rapture cowbells? Check. Dodgy 80s apparel? Check. “One big fuck off rolling riot”? Um, no. Not unless your definition of the word ‘riot’ is an overlong, samey and generally unthreatening experience. But then, if your favourite band is Hard Fi that’s probably as close as you’ve ever been to some boot-in-face action. Shame. Adam Chard
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Embracing the ‘rave’ part of this dubiously named tour in a more overt fashion than anyone CSS bound onto a stage incapable of containing their spirit. Covered head to foot in black sheets like ghosts of rave-past and screeching along to No Unlimited they came and they consquered. Moving as one incredibly and curiously sexy Brazilian organism as vocals lose themselves among a sea of glo-stick-clutching fingers. Equal parts crazy to genius. SJ Kicking off the night, New Young Pony Club delivered a powerful set list laden with synth-pop hits that had the audience moving in no time. Tahita on frontvox had a dominant stage presence and was a dab hand at in-between-song banter. The clear highlight of the set was Ice Cream which led to yours truly pulling some rather provocative shapes which, in hindsight where more embarrassing than anything else. New Rave or not, NYPC are definitely here to stay. Mariam Bashorun
FORTYONE
MUSIC YOKO ONO Yes, I’m a Witch Parlophone
Witchy-poo
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few issues ago, when reviewing a Sean Lennon single, I called for the family baggage to be dropped. “Enough with the famous father comparisons already,” I cried. “Sean deserves to be judged on his own merits.” I reiterate that sentiment now, though it works more as a ‘gloves off’ mentality with regards to Ono’s album than a plea for recognition.
Let’s get this straight, Yes, I’m a Witch is an album of remixes. Artists as illustrious as The Flaming Lips, The Polyphonic Spree and Spiritualized have taken elements (usually just the vocals) from Ono’s back catalogue, and written brand new songs with them. Some are quite good. Most of them are let down by the elements contributed by Ono. Tracks such as Rising (DJ Spooky) and O’Oh (Shitake Monkey), are good electronica tracks, but too often I found myself wishing I was listening to the featured artists without her whiney, pretentiousness. I’m afraid that this is just not that good. 4/10 Sim Eckstein
The Sounds: napping
KRISTIN HERSH Learn to Sing Like a Star 4AD
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Singing lessons for all
his seventh solo release from ex-Throwing Muses and 40 ft Wave star Kristin Hersh sees her churning her way through a collection of largely acoustic-based songs. Indeed, she’s yet to totally shrug off her grungy roots, yet the album itself is an awesome collection of ‘I’m gonna fuck you up’ songs. As you’d expect from this moody altcountry veteran, the lyrics are darker than the inside of My Chemical Romance’s wardrobe. Admittedly some of the songs do drag a bit and if you don’t go for the whole gravelly vocals thing you might find this album a bit… well, grating. But from the power-chord-driven Day Glow to the bittersweet Sugar Baby, it’s clear this husky voiced vixen doesn’t want to sing like a star, but rather wants to remind everyone that there’s more than one angry female apart from Beth Ditto. 7/10 Michael Bateson-Hill
THE SOUNDS Dying to Say This to You Warner
GETHIN PEARSON AND THE SCENERY Hang on... Hang on... TPF
What a view
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f you like your Conor Oberst, look away now. Gethin Pearson emulates the sound of his American counterpart right down to the hesitant voca intonation. Having said that, the lyricism is sweet natured with the EP’s shining moment coming in Shatterproof weaving male vocals to match the brotherhood of the song. The opener Lost At Sea has all the verve of
FORTYTWO
Local Word: This issue sees local songwriter Gethin Pearson and his band The Scenery release their debut EP Hang On... Hang On... So take good heed of this advice and don’t let go. galloping modern folk taking the familiar acoustic guitar duo pitted against tambourine and drum. Draw Me is particularly worth a listen for its breakdown and wandering violin line. The harmony and arrangements are gloriously talented of this local artist- shame it lacks clear original distinction. 8/10 Emily Kendrick
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Not dying
fter a four-year break following their debut album, The Sounds return with Dying to Say This to You, 35 minutes of stripped-down, new-wave-inspired pop. Lead singer Maja Ivarsson’s raw vocal style compliments the gritty guitars, but also displays a certain tenderness on the record’s token ballad Night After Night. While their skills as lyricists are at times debatable, their ear for a catchy pop tune is spot on. With hooks and choruses as catchy as the flu and each song sounding like it could be a successful single, this album looks certain to propel The Sounds into the spotlight and subsequently onto indie dancefloors the world over. 8/10 Tom Williams
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
MUSIC PHIL HONEYJONES Naked and Naïve
JESSE MALIN Glitter in the Gutter
One Little Indian
Banana Castle
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Let’s be naked
obody else wanted to review this album, and I bravely stepped in. I now realise that everyone else knew how traumatic and hideous it would be. I really don’t know where to begin. It just seems to be a combination of all the wrong things. If this is what Sandi Thom was thinking of when she sang about ‘punk rockers with flowers in their hair’ then she should probably have become a plumber instead. It’s really bad, but I doubt it would be appreciated if I wrote bad 150 times, would it? The lyrics are trippy nonsense. Here’s one of the lyrical gems of this album: ‘a beautiful chinchilla gold and silver’. Chinchilla? I feel for the chinchillas. You can buy his album for £5 via his MySpace page. Or people could send me the £5 and I could pay someone to erase this from my mind. 1/10 Aisling Tempany
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Not gutted
his is the third album from New York’s James Malin. After successes with his first two albums, Malin has proven himself not only as a songwriter, but also a lyricist who manages to reach people on a global scale by using experiences both universal and personal. This album sees Malin team up with some (rather well known) close friends. Tomorrow Tonight features QOTSA’s Josh Homme with some familiar guitar riffs, and Broken Radio is a wonderful duet with Malin and the legendary Bruce
People could send me £5 and I could pay someone to erase this from my mind Phil Honey-Jones
Quench music goes to the movies
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ynch’s bizarre living nightmare is as unsettling and powerful as its jarring soundtrack. The parallel dimensions of his film are accompanied by the unmatched worlds of: on the “angry side”, brutal Trent Reznor’s Nine Inch Nails original hard-edge, industrial sounds; Marilyn Manson’s extreme “party” tune I Put a Spell on You; Rammstein’s eerie grandiosity and David Bowie’s theme tune, I’m Deranged. All are perfectly assembled with dozing soft cores: Tom Jobim’s Insensatez sets a classic Brazilian Bossa Nova melancholy to the film’s enigmatic beginning and Lou Reed’s This Magic Moment is the touch of modern-noir romance on he films glossier scenes.
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
The instrumental scores are from Lynch’s regular Angelo Badalamenti, who orchestrated, creepy jazz sounds create the usual atmosphere of terror and urgency. The faultless soundtrack, so well built into the film, is no less blamed on Lynch constantly playing blasting Rammstein’s albums on set, throughout production, with the intent of creating the right “mood”, or on his choice of Reznor as soundtrack supervisor for such demented soundscape.
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A classic Brazilian Bossa Nova melancholy to the film’s enigmatic beginning
As for the director’s own words, “Half the film is picture, the other half is sound. They've got to work together.” No wonder the film ours a lot of its popularity to the heavy sales of the soundtrack at the time of their release. Ana Moraes
Springsteen. This track is all about sultry piano, heart-felt lyrics, and it has Ryan Adams on guitar. What more could you want? With the variety of collaborations (the aforementioned and more) and the growth of Malin’s song writing, there are bound to be tracks that everyone can attach some importance to. It’s not going to amaze you, but you’ll learn to love it. 7/10 Gillian Couch
KAMIKAZI HEARTS Oneida Road
One Little Indian
Travelling down the street
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’m going to come clean. After years of deriding country music, I have crumbled. My perception of the genre as being full of bearded Americans singing about beans and campfires and pretty girls has given way to realisation that it is so much more than that. I am not alone, for it seems it is having a bit of a resurgence. This is largely due to alt-country infiltrating the oh-so-dominant indie set, and the success of acts like Bright Eyes, Ryan Adams, and, on a more commercial level, Counting Crows. The Kamikaze Hearts sound more like the latter, but certainly have more of an underground sensibility. The five-piece have that dusty, languid feel that one associates with good country music, and their songs are littered with lush harmonies. Oneida Road is a bit of grower, the main vocals on some tracks taking some getting used to, but overall it is a rich and delicate album well worth a listen. 7/10 Sim Eckstein
Jesse Malin: Or is it James Blunt?
FORTYTHREE
MUSIC
e live live live live live live live live live live live live live Barfly
Dartz! Tuesday February 13th
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F
rom their MySpace alone, Little Man Tate sound like the sort of band whose lead singer should wear some kind of hat. Preferably one at a jaunty angle. And so, when the (possibly eponymous) Little Man Tate did take to the stage, completely hatless, I was more than a little worried. My hopes were initially high, having heard their pre-gig playlist. I very nearly dropped my tinny of Red Stripe when I heard not one, but TWO Ramones numbers, especially when the arrived onstage to Do You Remember Rock & Roll Radio. Unfortunately, they failed to live up to my expectations, when what emerged sounded very much like the Arctic Monkeys’ embarrassing uncles. A puerile obsession with sex led to repetitive ‘oo-er she looks fit’ style lyrics and, bizarrely, a completely undeserved moshpit. Lads, a bit of advice: why not push the envelope a bit instead of flogging the ‘gritty northern’ dead horse? Oh and buy a hat. Ben Marshall
FORTYFOUR
T
here was a real buzz and sense of excitement as you entered a sold out Clwb Ifor Bach on Monday 5 February. The reason was the long awaited arrival of Frank Turner’s UK tour in Cardiff. It wasn’t long after the floor was filled with people that the first act, Beans on Toast, took to the stage. A loud, brash oneman lyricist playing country chords and singing about shagging fat people and Britain being full of cokeheads, he proved immensely popular with the crowd. After this, Dive Dive took the stage, presenting some rather uninteresting emo riff sections and dynamics in their opening songs they were better suited to their role as Frank’s backing band. However they proved popular with some sections of the crowd, especially with their strongly promoted forthcoming release, The Revenge of the Mechanical Dog. Throughout, headlining act Frank Turner had been calmly taking time out in the bar, at the merchandise table and chatting to fans as he appreciated the support acts. The ex-singer of hardcore band Million Dead mentioned that it was in fact
Frank Turner Monday Febuary 5th
Clwb Ifor Bach
Tuesday Febuar y 20th
The Point
Little Man Tate
PHOTO: Anna Staples
have some small gripes with Dartz!. One, what is wrong with toms on drum kits these days? Two, drummers are to be heard through bangs, not inter-song chat. Three, spelling Dartz! so isn’t helping kidz spell good. These pedantic points off my chest allow me to now shower these three men with praise. Their music is infested with energy, enthusiasm and electricity. From start to finish they barely take their foot off the accelerator. Far from being a zip through a collection of forgettable numbers, the songs have substance too. Their angular, pop-punk leanings will lead to obvious comparisons with certain Teesside compatriots but Dartz! are worthy of a review that doesn’t make them out to be merely a spin-off. Songs like Hypnotize and set-closer Once, Twice, Again! enthrall. When guitarist and drummer swap roles mid-set and an eager friend joins on cowbell the on-stage enjoyment is infectious. Even a momentary light failure and a sound engineer not on top-form don’t dampen the spirits. Catch them if you can. Ben Jones
his fellow friend, Londoner and now support act Jay from Beans On Toast who led him into country music. An excited cheer rose as Frank took hold of his acoustic guitar, and even before he began strumming it seemed as if his audience were won over. Dubbed as one of Britain’s best lyricists of late, Frank takes time during the set to explain meaning behind some songs, allowing a great connection with the crowd. Badges on the merchandise table declare, ‘Frank Turner is my new best friend’, and, as the set developed, the atmosphere did indeed begin to feel more like a room of friends, with Frank as the host. Blasting out a energetic variety of folk tunes such as Thatcher Fucked the Kids and The Real Damage. His songs did seem to have a real political edge which was refreshing and ensured a fun and memorable evening was had by all. Jamie Ley
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
MUSIC
Sunday Februar y 11th
Bristol
...Trail of Dead
PHOTO: Adam Gasson
e live live live live live live live live live live live live liv
A
MondayFebuary 12th
A
The Great Hall
The Hold Steady
s we stoically stood around in the Oxford Zodiac waiting for support band The Checks to finish, I couldn’t help but worry whether front-man Edward Knowles had considered his carbon footprint when he flew his band and all their associated egos over from New Zealand. By the end of his set I had to assume not, and I consoled myself with the thought that he simply must have done something
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Bouncing Souls
Bristol
mong the trendy bars and restaurants of Bristol’s waterfront district the modestly sized old boat-come-club known as the Thekla lies in all its faded glory. Despite recent refurbishments there is still a dive at the Thekla’s heart, making its darkened dance floor and windowless hull seem as if they were designed with the filth-fuelled guitars and distorted keyboards of Trail of Dead as blueprints. Taking to the stage with all the force of a direct hit from a Russian sub and exploding into a furious melee beats and riffs with It was there that I saw you, the Texan band’s dominance tonight is assured from this moment on. There’s so much energy flying about that it’s hard to keep track of what’s going on; main men Jason Reece and Conrad Keeley swap vocal duties between them at the drop of a hat, one moment Reece is behind the drums and the next he’s throwing himself into the crowd, mic in hand. Keyboards get broken, drumsticks get snapped, beers get spilt and the familiar smell of cannabis hangs in the air. “This is track one from our album Madonna, Keeley spits into the mic, and the band kick into set highlight Mistakes and Regrets. Minutes later it’s all over, the feedback dies down, the audience disperse and the Texans disappear into the night. Si Truss
Sunday February 11th
L
ife after Hot Water Music is a unenviable trek, more so when your new band is considering ‘HWM Lite’. It feels though that The Draft have taken the progression of HWM, grown a bit, but lost none of the live presence that built the foundations. The Bouncing Souls are still, pound for pound, one of the best
punk bands playing today. Yes the overly eager fans get annoying (I didn’t pay £13 to hear some Bristol drunkard sing) but that’s their selling point, still believing in the punk community. The new songs are evolving, especially The Gold Song which seems to be the current album’s True Believers. As fun and energetic as ever. Adam Gasson
The audience were informed: “F ingernails and cigarettes don’t The Hold Steady make a good dinner” more useful while he was here, perhaps going to see a long-lost aunt. The posed charisma of The Checks contrasted sharply with the Hold Steady, all of whose members demonstrated equal energy to their dynamic front-man Craig Finn. His apparently mad rantings into the microphone concealed lyrics that conveyed the sharpest of wisdom. On the build up to You Can Make Him Love You, the audience were informed “Fingernails and cigarettes don’t make a good dinner”. Never have a band looked simultaneously so tight and so drunk. Keyboard player Franz Nickolay pounded his way through a bottle of wine while
the bassist periodically handed out cigarettes to the front row. The onstage characters made the live act much more than the sum of the band’s (excellent) albums. Most of the songs from their recent Boys and Girls in America got an airing, as well as some of older audience favourites including Most People Are DJs and Cattle and the Creeping Things. At the end, Craig Finn complained that, “the difference between the UK and the US is that I’ve been here three weeks and haven’t been offered weed yet. Make that stop.” I can only hope someone did: I’m sure they didn’t regret it. Tom Dinham
FORTYFIVE
MUSIC THE MAGIC NUMBERS This is a Song/ EMI
Yeah, alright, it’s a song, though not a particularly outstanding one. Insipid and uninspired, the latest single by the hairy harmony-based indie-rock quartet relies far too much on its previous winning formula of combining toe-tapping tempos with drifting vocal harmonies. It might make for pleasant listening, but it’s certainly no magic number. 4/10 RL
VILLE VALO & NATALIE AVALON Summer Wine/ One Little Indian
Although not actively painful on the ear, Summer Wine’s delicate fusion of bond-theme brass and Eurovisionesque vocals does about as much to soothe the auditory palate as a bottle of supermarket-value gin. 4/10 DW
JOSS STONE Tell Me Bout It/ EMI
Joss Stones' first single from her third album completes the transgression into funk. It has a very dance-
6 Baked & bladdered
The FUN way to fill your fortnight...
9
FRIDAY
Ozzmosis at The Point [rocking Ozzy/Sabbath tribute. Pure technical ecstacy]
13
TUESDAY
The Strange Death of Liberal England at Barfly [don’t miss this badboy]
FORTYSIX
able beat underneath her smokey soulful voice and a hint of trumpet, accompanied by backing singers repeating every line she says. Feel good music, bound to be on an advert somewhere. 5/10 HC
THE PIGEON DETECTIVES Romantic Type/ Wea
It’s got loveable, danceable, somewhat excitable pace and riffs running through it. ‘Romantic Type’ will remind you just why you love The Pigeon Detectives, and if you don’t already it will make you wonder why. 9/10 GC
CAPDOWN Surviving the Death of a Genre/ Fierce Panda
Capdown come away from their happy go lucky skanking tunes to show their maturity with something darker and dominated more by bass than trumpets. Melodic, catchy but the best thing about the single is the B side, a cover of Kelis’ ‘Trick me’. Pure Genius. 5/10 HC
THE DONDE STARS You Can Keep the Kids/ Pianissimo/ Reacharound/ Redcase
TUESDAY
Shiny Toy Guns at Barfly [hair gel and lip rings. Where do they get their ideas from?]
10
SATURDAY
Radio Luxenborg single launch at Clwb Ifo r Bach
7
THE HOOSIERS
Worst Case Scenario/Renagade Guitar and keyboard for bopping in Fun Factory (or is that just me?), alternative lyrics such as ‘you got out the wrong side of bed and liked it’ and lots of incidental ‘oh’ sounds (16 to be exact). Just heard it all a lot lately, especially singers letting out ‘oh’s’. 6/10 PJ
MAXIMO PARK Can’t Be Saved/ Vagrent
Our Velocity is a three-minute pop prince that skips along at in irrepressible pace, marking a change of direction for Maximo Park while retaining Paul Smith’s trademark Croon of Doom. This song is the Queen’s testicles, oh yes. 9/10 EH
WEDNESDAY
AIM at The Point [the electronica king returns with a 10-piece band. mmmm]
11
SUNDAY
Tiny Dancers at Barfly [our very own Fashion Matt is the support]
14WEDNESDAY 15 Rod Thomas at Buffalo [looping, acoustic fun]
This double A side offers a dreamy glimpse into the sound world of freshly signed local band The Donde Stars. Melodically driven ‘You Can Keep The Kids’ is nicely complimented by epic yet subtle strings and an uplifting hook. The dark and haunting ‘Pianissimo’, though heavily indebted to Radiohead, reveals lead singer Williams to be a truly gifted vocalist. 6/10 JF
THURSDAY
The Seal Cub Club bing Club at Clwb Ifor Bach [fun and legal]
8
THURSDAY
Laser Safari Presents: White Noise Sound at Buffalo [like music, but bigger]
12
MONDAY
I Hate Sam at Buffalo [a plausable alternative to Funners]
16
FRIDAY
Celtic Frost at Solus [about three degrees colder than snow]
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
MUSIC
Sweden W
hen someone mentions Sweden, what usually springs to mind? Ikea? Sven-Goran Eriksson? The chef from the muppets? Or maybe the wave upon wave of bands and solo musicians who have emerged from everyone’s favourite Scandinavian country. The likes of The Hives and The (International) Noise Conspiracy breathed life into the flourishing garage-punk scene in the late 1990s and early 2000s, while it is in the fields of black and death metal that the Swedes can be seen to have left the greatest mark. Exciting new bands like Cult of Luna have begun to make their name in the last five years after the unquestionable talent of Opeth and In Flames set up a platform for this all-too-often unappreciated genre to develop.
ABBA
The success of Waterloo after the 1974 Eurovision song contest would prove to be the starting point
of an unjustifiably long and fruitful recording career for the Stockholm quartet ABBA. The hits followed - one can only assume that this was due to the momentum following their Eurovision triumph - in the form of Dancing Queen, Mamma Mia and the blight on 1970s music that was Fernando. Nevertheless, as loathed as they are by some, one must appreciate the achievements of this archetypal boy-girl pop group.
OPETH Influences ranging from jazz to prog rock to death-metal, and a consistent ability to churn out ten-minuteplus songs which frequently approach perfection. Guitarist Peter Lindgren is one of the best in the business, while vocalist Mikael Akerfeldt has expertly written innumerable poetic lyrics in English - not his first language - and utilised his Nick Cave-esque voice interchangeably with the demonic screamed vocals which epitomise the genre.
Behind the music... What do you do? I am Head Promoter at Cardiff Barfly. Why do you do it? I love live music How did you get started? I promoted some of my own gigs back in the day, and then managed to wangle my way into Barfly doing some night managing /
MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM
cashier work in the hope a full time job would come up. The Assistant Promoters job came up, I applied and got it, and then worked my way up to Head. What’s the best gig you’ve put on? Oooh tough. It would have to be Panic At The Disco! It was originally planned for Barfly, but then the tickets were selling like hot cakes so we upgraded to The Great Hall at the Union. We sold about 1000 tickets in 4 minutes or something stupid. That was a
MILLENCOLIN
A fruitful fifteen-year career has seen the band move from scratchy selfproduced offerings to a record deal with Brett Gurewitz’s Epitaph, the same record label which helped The Offspring along the path to stardom by producing their album Smash. The band’s unique sense of humour has combined well with influences ranging from The Clash to Gurewitz’s band Bad Religion, and their forthcoming eighth album is being eagerly anticipated.
RAZORLIGHT
Guitarist Bjorn Agren and bassist Carl Dalemo remain integral to the albums Up All Night and Razorlight, and no amount of self-promotion by Borrell will change that. The pop sensibility and low profile of the two Swedes have worked in favour of the enigmatic front man, helping him and his band to gain notoriety in their relatively short career. Tom Victor good day. What’s your current and all-time favorite record? That's a tough one! Lately I can't stop listening to Set Your Goals - Mutiny! and Brand New The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me. All time fave would have to be Clarity by Jimmy Eat World. Yes, I am a sap. What's coming up that I should know about? Loads! The Twang, Gallows, Towers of London, Will Haven, Electric 6, Shiny Toy Guns. This year is looking very very promising!
FORTYSEVEN
BOOKS
The World of Books North and South America
It’s often hard to know where to start when looking for foreign books to try. Books has put together a five-part guide to our favourite authors out there now. This week, we visit North and South America lands to make himself visible again Andrew Kaufman or he will lose his love forever. All My Friends are Super Heroes Kaufman’s short novel is beautiTelegram fully written and tenderly funny, an Tom isn’t a super hero, but all his affirming tribute to love which even friends are. Even his wife is a helps to find the superhero within superhero. Her name is the Perfectionist, and her super power is the you and everyone. Tom Williams ability to will order with her mind. Scattered throughout the book are numerous super heroes; the Stress Bunny has the ability to absorb stress in a fifty foot radius, producing instant relaxation, while the Frog Kisser can turn social outcasts into winners. The book tells the story of Tom, who has become invisible to the Perfectionist. Disillusioned with Tom’s absence, the Perfectionist decides to board a plane, and Q U E N C H Tom has until the plane 50th edition
#35
Paulo Coelho The Alchemist HarperSanFrancisco Paulo Coelho arrived quietly on the literary scene. After three failed novels, The Alchemist was met with no great applause. However, on the brink of going out of print, the book soared to become one of the best-selling Brazilian books of all time. The Alchemist combines the distant mysteries of the desert with a deeply mythological atmosphere. It follows the story of Sandiago, a young boy who has a dream he is desperate to pursue. It is a novel full of optimism that seeps discretely into the rambling lyrical prose. Avalyn Beare
FORTYEIGHT
Frank Miller Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Titan Books Ltd Redefining a genre and a character with such a rich and established history is not an easy task, but it is one which Frank Miller took on boldly, and succeeded in brilliantly. This mini-series, now a graphic novel, revolutionised the superhero ethos, transforming Batman from the camp crusader of the 60s into a troubled and reluctant hero. The story takes place in the near future and documents Bruce Wayne’s
David Guterson Snow Falling on Cedars Bloomsbury David Guterson was born in Seattle, USA. Snow Falling on Cedars is his most famous novel, and was awarded the 1995 PEN/Faulkner Award. The novel follows the trial of a Japanese-American accused of the murder of an American man. Guterson delves into the memories and emotions of the characters in the courtroom, bringing to light issues such as the cruel and hypocritical treatment of JapaneseAmericans during World War Two, the experiences of soldiers, cross-cultural love, obsession, racism, and justice. With echoes of Harper Lee, this is a rich and powerful novel that does not fit in any one genre. In a recent interview, Guterson stated that presenting moral questions is a very important obligation for a writer, in this novel he presents a case, and a story in which humanity goes on trial. Emily Khan return as Batman after ten years of retirement following the death of Robin. Gotham City is plagued with crime, and the re-emergence of Two-Face prompts Bruce to once more don his mask and cape. Miller also succeeds in transforming his arch-enemy the Joker from a mischievous clown into a psychotic killer. The dialogue and plot here are tremendous, something all too rare in comic books from this period, while the art work is gritty and heavily influenced by noir. Miller’s version of Batman is revolutionary, and a success on every level. Tom Williams
BOOKS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
BOOKS Blag The Asbo Show Tony Saint Serpent’s Tail
S
et in a typically bleak south London, Blag is a story of immigration and illegal manoeuvring that would confirm any Daily Mail reader’s (and Jade Goody’s) prejudices about certain aspects of modern British society. Central to the plot are two main characters; Sean Carlyle - a messed up immigration officer who’s main job is to stop immigrant workers in the capital, and Harry Verma – a hard gambling immigration lawyer preying on immigrants attempting to stay in Britain. However, among other problems,
Measuring Time Helon Habila Hamish Hamilton
S
et in a culture laden with mythic symbols and superstition, it is not without symbolic significance that Measuring Time follows the story of twins living out their youth in rural Nigeria. Mamo and Lamamo Lamang owe their lives to encroaching Western modernity, born into a culture in which, until recently, twins were considered evil portents and left to die. The Lamang twins form two parts of one whole, true to the Nigerian belief that twins share one soul. Mamo dreams of fame as a means to finding immortality and thus eluding the continual threat of his terminal illness. After their uncle returns home, a broken man after years of fighting, only to commit suicide, the twins naïvely decide that becoming soldiers is the path to
BOOKS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Sean Carlyle is harbouring an illegal immigrant, and with his gambling spiralling out of control Harry Verma finds himself in debt to an Indian Gangster who sends him on a mission to recover a lost girl – the very girl hiding out in Sean Carlyle’s flat. Slowly the plot begins to unfold, with Sean and Harry uniting to hatch ASBO: That well loved clothing line a plan to defeat the Indian Gangster and his cronies. On the whole Blag offers a satirical insight into the underworld of illegal immigration in Britain and is well worth a quick flick worker decides to turn the situation on the council estate into a money – if only to be entertained by the spinner by selling tickets to watch squalor of sbouth London. deprived children smash things up The Asbo Show is another satiri(just £3.50 a pop with a valid NUS). cal look at modern day Britain by Problem is that whilst Saint Tony Saint. The story is based on attempts to satirise our obsession the visit of a bored social worker to with voyeurism in The Asbo Show, a notorious council estate where he the book just seems to be an extenwitnesses a scene not dissimilar to sion of this voyeuristic compulsion Rubber Duck on a Wednesday night; and doesn’t attack shows like Big fighting, excessive drinking, mindBrother which, rightly or wrongly, less vandalism and more fighting. Saint is really trying to do. 7/10 Obsessed and completely re-enerSophia Littledale gised by his experience, a cashstrapped colleague of the social fame and glory. They plan to leave the village to join the rebel army, but Mamo is too weak to complete the journey and so the twins’ parted ways. Lamamo’s story is told as a series of letters. We see him becoming disillusioned with the brutality of the fighting in Liberia and Mali on behalf of despotic, megalomaniac rulers. While Lamamo actively participates in creating history, Mamo travels through his brother’s eyes and laments his own passivity. When Mamo unexpectedly reaches adulthood, he is offered a teaching post, and begins a passionate love affair with a fellow teacher called Zara. His life changes when he discovers a history of his village, Keti, written by an American missionary, depicting the villagers as “backward” and is compelled to write a piece of polemic against emphasising the “savage” aspects of Keti’s culture and the desirability of the “civilising” influences of Western culture. When Zara has his work published in a journal, Mamo is established as a historian and finds the fame for which he had searched. However, in finding fame, Mamo uncovers terrible corruption at the heart of Nigerian officialdom and the great suffering it
has caused to his people. At the heart of the novel is Mamo’s conception of how history should be told. Mamo believes that history should be written as the myriad biographies of the ‘ordinary’ individuals living out their lives and imaginatively interpreting the world around them.
“
A rich blend of modernity and tradition
The title could be read as a reference to Mamo’s life, overshadowed by the possibility of death, but also to the work of the historian recording lives. While the plot could perhaps cohere more effectively, this does not detract from the enjoyment of reading the novel. A rich blend of modernity and tradition, Habila deftly interweaves intercultural textual references, such as Nigerian folklore, Plutarch’s Parallel Lives, mythic superstition, the poet Christopher Okigbo and Shakespeare. The pleasure of reading this novel lies in this blending of literary heritages. It is a story that can be enjoyed both for its engaging plot and for the beauty of its prose. 8/10 Faith Giles
FORTYNINE
BOOKS Quench books and gairrhydd launch...
#36 Q U E N C H
50th edition
creativewriting
PONDERING THE MODERN WORLD... Reflections of a character from ancient Japan - Avalyn Beare I do not get frightened. When I was a child I remember falling into the lake near the castle. The water was cold and I had not yet learnt to swim. Burning tendrils took hold of my insides and tightened. But I was rescued by a servant, and the feeling went away. When I was twelve I became a warrior. I have not felt that feeling since. But I do feel uneasy. In Shiyoku’s world everything moves so fast. The people walk distractedly, in individual worlds. They are unconnected with each other. Everything is tense, as if on the edge of some precipice. The trees rise out of stone, in patterns; the grass does not grow naturally anymore. Their houses are built one on top of the other, rising up to the heavens. But they do not fall. There are lights of every colour that flash and blind me as I watch. They light up the sky and the stars become invisible. The city is unable to be navigated and is lost. It is not only the appearance of this world that causes me unease. The people do not believe in anything. They float through life as if daydreaming. The leaders of the Nations, and there are so many, bicker and fight without the support of the people. They fight wars for no gain or either side. They are tyrants, but they appear no stronger than children. This world is on the road to downfall. JEN - Opening paragraph from a short story - Georgie Easton Jen has never been the type to take anything too seriously. She's the kind of friend everyone wants at a dinner party, the kind of friend who is on the other end of the phone. Jen wears cardigans mostly, nothing overstated, nothing understated, and she always manages to look content and
FIFTY
... a new section on gairrhydd.com The website will be divided into areas such as scriptwriting, poetry, prose, short stories and so on and will include feedback message boards radiant. She works at a small computer company in Salisbury for Mr. Warren and, since last November, she goes to see her mother in hospital every Friday. Last Thursday Jen had a call from Michael; usually they see each other every two months or so, but sometimes it's a year. They were students at Bath University when they met. Michael was Jen's first love. When they split up she had cried bitterly in the corner of her university bedroom, next to a poster of the Manic Street Preachers, with half a bottle of wine in her hand. It wasn't her fault she had forgotten, it wasn't her fault they hadn't taken appropriate measures. She hadn't even remembered what had happened the next morning. When Jen looks back on those nine months it is as if it was someone else's life. If it had been up to her, she would've named him Nicholas. MY BROTHER - Avalyn Beare He passes me the salt I never asked for and stares towards the window. He moves like clockwork but he’s switched off inside. I pour the sourtasting tea down my throat and smile-dead and cold though I mean it differently. Nothing touched or swallowed on his plate. He doesn’t waste those moments on me. I pretend to care what time it is, and snatch my heart and coat to leave. He doesn’t notice the empty space in front of him, my brother alone. He wants no help from me, he gave up long ago.
EVE’S WOMAN - Georgie Easton A photograph by Eve Arnold shows a woman in shadow, her eyes cast downwards, her hair golden blonde. Seemingly oblivious, she is natural and serene. There sits the celebrated image of femininity who ‘makes love to a camera’, not even looking at it. Modest and pensive, captured through the aperture. Half in darkness, half in light. The elegant arc of her eyebrow framing her eye. Hues tint and tone her face. In another photograph by Arnold the same woman is seducing, hiding but inviting. Somehow intimidates with her sexuality. A woman daring to say something direct and fresh. Bed sheets lie tousled around her, she looks naked; matt-finished skin radiant and exposed on the emulsion. A flash of permanent desire. The woman whose skirt notoriously billowed out while she held it down, laughing.
Please send your work to: creativewriters@gairrhydd.com
CREATIVEWRITERS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
F I L M
N E W S
FILM film@gairrhydd By Ewen Hosie Film Editor First, Rob Schneider was an Animal. Then, he was a Hot Chick. Now Rob Schneider is...A CARROT! Hum-hunhrrrr!
Triviageddon
ZODIAC: Sign o’ the times
A CURIOUS CASE
Techno-wizard David Fincher’s latest project Zodiac, based on the real life 1970s Zodiac killer and filmed on high-tech Thompson Viper cameras is due for release on April 20th. A high-profile cast includes current hottie Jake Gyllenhaal, indie favourite Mark Ruffalo and the always reliable Robert Downey Jr. Following this will be the mega-budget The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, a film which follows the life of the titular Benjamin (Brad Pitt) who begins to age backwards as he hits middle age. The ageing techniques employed during the shooting process involve a revoutionary luminescent facepaint which marks the actors faces in CG models more realistic than anything attempted before.
BRAD BIRD OF PREY
The latest in the unstoppably successful Pixar canon of animated films is Ratatouille, a story of a rat named Remy. Remy, who lives within the confines of a Paris bistro has ambitions of becoming a star chef. Following the slight critical disappointment of John Lasseter’s Cars, the boys have called in the talents of ace animation supremo Brad Bird, director of the brilliant The Iron Giant and The Incredibles (in my opinion, Pixar’s greatest achievement to date). He should hopefully bring a maturity and edge to the proceedings that was sadly lacking in the more childfriendly likes of Cars. Ratatouille is out in October.
M ORE
Thank the maker, he’s finally got one. Well done, Marty. We’re all proud of you. Even though you should have got it for Taxi Driver...or Raging Bull...or Goodfellas.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sa 6Kpqb09ug - Total Recallin’ http://youtube.com/watch?v=nQ f4Zowi3Jg - The Story of Ricky set to the Nutcracker Suite (not for the faint-hearted)
A Tale of Two Coreys
L ESS Oscars
On DVD: ! Snuff Movie !"Special ! Akeelah and the Bee ! Pan’s Labyrinth In cinemas: ! Letters from Iwo Jima ! The Science of Sleep ! The Illusionist ! Ghost Rider !
FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Interweb funny
We Haim to please baby. I’ve got hair to spare and a stare to scare. Let it penetrate you.
Scorsese getting Oscars
Sally Field has won more Oscars than Stanley Kubrick and Alfred Hitchcock combined. Forrest Gump beat The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction. Films like Fight Club manage Sound Effects Editing nods. Fuck the Oscars.
To prepare for his role as the dangerously emaciated Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, Christian Bale lived off a can of tuna and an apple a day. He also filled himself up on water and started smoking.
He’s business at the front and a PARTY at the back, Jack - The Feldman
FIFTYONE
QUENCH
FILM
#37
loves BRITISH CINEMA Q U E N C H
50th edition
resulted in a sci-fi milestone). He also has directed duds such as Hannibal, 1492: Conquest of Paradise and Somebody to Watch Over Me. Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger are two lesser-known but critically lauded early masters, having found their niche in producing dazzlingly colourful films during the rising popularity of Technicolor cinema in the 40s (the Jeunet and Caro of their time, if you will). Although Pressburger was Austro-Hungarian, the films they produced
have a definitively British look and feel. The duo’s masterpieces include The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (1943), The Red Shoes (1948), Black Narcissus (1947) and A Matter of Life and Death (1946). Michael Powell would later go solo to produce the reviled and admired horror film Peeping Tom in 1960, marking a radical change of style. And of course, who could forget Alfred Hitchcock. You know the score. Hitchcock is the master of the modern thriller having practically invented the genre; dazzling blondes, savvy heroes with an inimitable pithy charm, double-crosses, crazy twists. As if that wasn’t enough he reinvented the concept of horror with Psycho as well. It’s hard to pick his best, but my vote goes to the inimitable North by Northwest. Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint have a sizzling chemistry, while the Bernard Herrmann score holds up to this day. Ewen Hosie
dy (although he’d hate to hear me say that), Peter Sellers is one of the shining lights of British cinema in this respect, having portrayed the bumbling Inspector Clouseau so well in Blake Edwards’ Pink Panther series. For a true display of the tragic but genius actor’s versatility however, one must turn to Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, in which he portrays a beleaguered British colonel, the US president and the insane Dr Strangelove in one film. His talent for completely losing himself in characters, his tall, gangly stature and a penchant for accents is often compared to the contemporary Sacha Baron Cohen.
Ditto Peter Cook and Dudley Moore who made a similar mark in the swinging 60s. Moore later found fame in the US, but Cook is remembered as a brilliant satirist of his time. If your tastes are more for surreal comedy, then the Monty Python troupe may find favour with you, the highlights of their cinematic canon having resulted in The Holy Grail and The Life of Brian (which was funded by George Harrison, making a subtle cameo appearance in the process). This also birthed the career of auteur maverick Terry Gilliam (12 Monkeys, Brazil, Time Bandits), the only American in the gang.. Ewen Hosie
Who needs the red carpet glamour of the Oscars? In a tribute to the cinema of good old blighty we honour those behind...
R
idley Scott is one of the current heavyweights of championing the British cause abroad in cinema. As a director he has been responsible for classics such as Alien, Blade Runner, Thelma and Louise and Gladiator; a grasp of cinematic knowledge that shows his diversity. An English director with a keen eye for detail, Ridley Scott is a softspoken yet confident presence in the industry, comfortable with both Hollywood bombast and introspective drama. He is not entirely without fault however, having been a harsh taskmaster in his earlier days, particularly during the troublesome Blade Runner shoot (which nevertheless
...and in front of the camera
E
rrol Flynn was a bit of a dude. Rumours abound of his rampant sex sessions and massive member, but in our eyes, he should be remembered for what counts; his films. Flynn represents the archetypal swashbuckling cinematic hero (Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride? Wouldn’t be the same without Flynn.) Check out Captain Blood or The Adventures of Robin Hood for further proof of this brilliance. Turning from adventure to come-
FIFTYTWO
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FILM QUENCH PICKS 10... ...Essential British Films The Third Man Carol Reed’s darkly atmospheric masterpiece, writen by Graham Greene and starring Orson Welles. A wonderful thriller set around the dubious death of one Harry Lime. Trainspotting An obvious choice but deserving of a mention for the sheer impact that Dany Boyle’s seminal drugs movie had on 90s film making.
...and glance into the future A look at what’s to come over the next year of British film making.
T
he year of 2007 holds some promising looking prospects coming from these British isles. For one thing we see the return of one of British cinemas key players, Trainspotting director Danny Boyle. Boyle’s forthcoming picture Sunshine sees the director turn his attention to the genre of science fiction for the first time (following previous offers to direct Alien Resurrection back in 1997). The film centres around the decaying sanity of a team of astronauts as they journey towards our dying sun, in a last ditch attempt to save humanity from the end of the world. Already drawing comparisons with 2001: A Space Odyssey and Solaris from initial screen shots, fingers crossed that Britain’s golden boy could do for the genre what his previous effort 28 Days Later... did for zombie movies.
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The Wicker Man Quite possibly the best horror film ever made, sees Edward Woodward investigating a scary-as-fuck Scottish Island. Whatever you do don’t watch the Nic Cage remake.
Withnail & I (below) “We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here, and we want them now!” Richard E. Grant is the best thing in the world.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail There’s a good reason why everyone goes on about how funny those Python gents are. If you haven’t seen this film you’ve wasted your life. The 39 Steps The sheer genius that is Alfred Hitchcock rampages his way through London and into the Scottish highlands in this thriller adaptation. Kind Hearts and Coronets The standout classic of the Ealing Comedy canon. Alec Guiness plays every victim in this black comedy of murder and hereditory peerage.
The Italian Job You have to get Michael Caine into the list somewhere. It was this or Alfie, the latter’s probably better but this one has Minis.
A Clockwork Orange (see left) Kubrick morphs Burgess’ controversial novel of ultra-violence into a dark and chilling vision of an alternate Britain in decay.
Shaun Of The Dead Is it too soon to call it a classic? The comic delivery of Pegg and Frost? The great direction of Edgar Wright? Fuck it, it’s a classic.
Like that film, the gorgeous Irishman Cilian Murphy, takes the lead as the stoic astronaut captain. It also features Fantastic Four’s Chris Evans (not to be confused with Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush boy) and Michell Yeoh in a highly international cast. Talking of which, 28 Weeks Later..., the sequel to the aforementioned film, arrives this May, mixing it’s British made roots with the Spanish influence of director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo. Another classic or a poorly concieved sequel? It’s too early to call, still, it will be interesting finding out. As for British comedy we’re pretty excited about The Magicians, a film starring Peep Show’s David Mitchell and Robert Webb as a pair of rival magicians.
Another exciting prospect is the news of Shane Meadows’ upcoming This is England, a story of a disillusioned 12-year old in Thatcher-era Britain who is taken in by a group of skinheads. The cameraderie is ruptured when a racist skinhead returns from prison to sour the proceedings. If it lives up to Meadows’ previous effort Dead Man’s Shoes then we are in for an absolute belter. Si Truss/Ewen Hosie
28 WEEKS LATER: Me toe!
SUNSHINE: Let there be light
FIFTYTHREE
FILM
THE #38 Q U E N C H
50th edition
SCORSESE: Eyebrows
What they thought...
I
t was a night that very much belonged to Martin Scorsese, who, for once, didn’t leave an Oscars ceremony empty handed. After roughly thirty years of missed opportunities, with the glorious likes of Mean Streets (1973), Taxi Driver (1976), Raging Bull (1980), The King of Comedy (1983), Goodfellas (1990) and Casino (1995) all failing to secure Marty his shiny, naked man, it was starting to seem like it would never happen. Everyone thought the nomination for 2004’s excellent Howard Hughes biopic The Aviator would be the one to secure the award, but Marty eventually lost that year to fellow elder statesman Clint Eastwood’s Million Dollar Baby. tWe had believed Scorsese may secure the ranks of great directors who never got their due (such as Kubrick and Hitchcock), but the night of February 25th 2007 was the one to change that. Well done sir.
DAMON: ...Damon
LL LEO D: Playa
FIFTYFOUR
OSCARS
Quench brings you all the news from the 79th Academy Awards
...and the winner is Best Director Martin Scorsese – The Departed
Best Foreign Language Film Das Leben der Anderen (aka The Lives of Others)
Clint Eastwood – Letters From Iwo Jima Stephen Frears - The Queen Paul Greengrass – United 93 Alejandro González Iñárritu – Babel
Efter Brylluppet (aka After the Wedding) Indigenes (aka Days of Glory) El Laberinto del Fauno (aka Pan's Labyrinth) Water
Best Actress
Best Picture
Helen Mirren – The Queen
The Departed
Best Supporting Actress Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
Best Original Screenplay
Best Supporting Actor Alan Arkin – Little Miss Sunshine
Best Adapted Screenplay
Penelope Cruz – Volver Judi Dench – Notes on a Scandal Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada Kate Winslet – Little Children
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel Cate Blanchett – Notes on a Scandal Abigail Breslin – Little Miss Sunshine Adriana Barraza - Babel
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children Djimon Hounsou – Blood Diamond Eddie Murphy – Dreamgirls Mark Wahlberg – The Departed
Letters From Iwo Jima Little Miss Sunshine The Queen Babel
Babel
Letters From Iwo Jima Little Miss Sunshine Pan’s Labyrinth The Queen
The Departed
Borat Kazakhstan Children of Men Little Children Notes on a Scandal
FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM
What we thought...
I MIRREN: Fittie
t’s great to see Scorsese finally acknowledged by the academy, after all, having being nominated and having missed out several times now, to deny Scorsese an Oscar win would be more than just disappointing, it would be a complete ‘fuck you’ from the academy. Still, despite the politics that surround it, it’s pretty fair to say that The Departed’s three Oscars are all
...and the rest Best Animated Feature - Happy Feet Best Cinematography - Pan’s Labyrinth Best Documentary Feature - An Inconvenient Truth Best Original Score - Babel Best Visual Effects - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest Best Documentary Short Subject The Blood of Yingzhou District Best Art Direction - Pan’s Labyrinth Best Animated Short Feature - The Danish Poet Best Action Short Film - West Bank Story Best Costume Design Marie Antoinette Best Original Song - ‘I Need to Wake Up’ from An Inconvenient Truth (performed by Melissa Etheridge) Best Sound Mixing - Dreamgirls Best Sound Editing - Letters From Iwo Jima Best Film Editing - The Departed Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award - Sherry Lansing Honorary Award - Ennio Morricone
FILM well deserved. Despite both Babel and Letters from Iwo Jima offering pretty stiff competion from the list of nominees, no-one here is complaining about The Departed taking the prize. Forest Whitaker was immense in The Last King of Scotland and so his victory comes as no surprise (much like last year, with Seymour Hoffman blowing the competition out of the water in Capote). Britain secured a nice success with Dame Helen Mirren’s for her role as The Queen in (surprise, surprise) The Queen, in a performance much more understated and quietly contemplative than Whitaker’s.
The major upset for us here at Quench film is that Pan’s Labyrinth didn’t win more. Being in the Spanish language, Pan’s Labyrinth, a film we’ve been going on about for months now, was never really that viable to win best picture (which we feel it deserved, the last occurence of this being at the 2001 awards with Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) but we were utterly distraught when it didn’t even pick up best foreign language film. Thankfully the awards it gained for cinematography, make-up (let’s face it, Click was never much of a competition) and art direction were some consolation.
Best Actor Forest Whitaker – Last King of Scotland Leonardo DiCaprio – Blood Diamond Ryan Gosling – Half Nelson Peter O’Toole – Venus Will Smith – The Pursuit of Happyness
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WHITAKER: Fist
PAN’S: Shunned?
FIFTYFIVE
FILM
In cinemas: Letters from Iwo Jima LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA Dir: Clint Eastwood Starring: Ken Watanabe, Kazunari Ninomiya
THE ILLUSIONIST Dir: Neil Burger Starring: Ed Norton, Paul Giamatti, Jessica Biel Out Now, 110 mins
Eisenheim (Norton) is a superbly talented magician driven by his adolescent love (and loss) of an upper class duchess (Biel). Returning from exile he baffles audiences. His former beau’s relationship with Austria’s heir (Sewell) leads him to attempt his biggest trick yet.
M
agic seems to be all the rage of late. With The Prestige only a few months behind us, relative newcomer Neil Burger attempts to once more wow us with sleight of hand trickery and illusions that Gandalf might be proud of. What separates The Illusionist from films like The Prestige is its refreshing resistance to delve into science fiction. There is no reliance on otherworldly powers and the film does not ruin the sense of mystery it takes so long to build by explicitly explaining how the main illusions were done. Beautifully shot (its was nominated for the best cinematography Oscar but eventually lost to Pan’s Labyrinth), and with an engaging plot and some fine acting performances from Giamatti and Sewell in particular, the film is only let down by the rather clumsy flashback that introduces it, and its slightly bloated length. This aside however, The Illusionist is an enjoyable watch, certainly more Harry Houdini than Paul Daniels. Sim Eckstein
FIFTYSIX
THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP Dir: Michel Gondry Starring: Gael Garcia Bernal, Charlotte Gainsbourg
Out Now, 141 mins
Out Now, 105mins
The counterpart to Eastwood’s American-based Flags of our Fathers, Letters depicts the infamous 1945 battle from the ranks of the doomed Japanese as they defend their tiny island to the death.
When Stephane (Garcia Bernal) meets beautiful Stephanie (Gainsbourg) he is instantly entranced by her. He deals with his feelings by entering into a world of imagination fuelled by his dreams.
F
W
or a century cinema has been warping world history, and war has fared worst. Having seen Steven Spielberg banish the British from Normandy and Michael Bay destroy interest in Pearl Harbour, Clint Eastwood has attempted to redress the perspective with Letters from Iwo Jima. Two tales share the focus: that of conscript Saigo and General Kuribayashi (Watanabe). Saigo (Ninomiya) is far removed from the kamikaze convention, desperate to survive and return home. Kazunari Ninomiya is excellent, his overwhelmed expressions as potent as the scenes of grenade suicide. But it is Watanabe’s General who stands out, giving a measured portrayal of a man whose sense and sympathy struggle against conviction and duty. Though the bulk of the fighting is tackled by Flags, Letters has more to show than detached limbs and guts. Subtitles and minor plot confusion do nothing to impede a powerful message that forces you to consider the balance of Hollywood history. Utterly essential. Andy Rennison
ith a script that continually shifts between French, English and Spanish, and a central plot that centres on a man and has problems differentiating between his dreams and ‘real life’, surprisingly the film never once becomes as confusing as it could have been, or indeed as I expected it to. Visually it’s more reminiscent of his early music videos than his Charlie Kaufman collaborations and this is due to the fact that this is truly his baby. Science is a production designer’s wet-dream; life-sized cars made from cardboard and a model cityscape crafted solely from toilet rolls are memorable moments. However, to view this as simply an exercise in Gondry’s vivid experimental visuals would be grave injustice, as it unpredictably contains a warm script, as sweet and funny as you will see for a long time. Brought to life by a superb cast, impeccably led by the captivating Gael Garcia Bernal, it is at times painfully funny yet never strays far from it’s central story-arc of the strangest, sweetest romance imaginable. Ashley James
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FILM
dvds
Bateman’s Best PAN’S LABYRINTH Out March 11th resh from Oscar success, it is hard to describe in words the success of del Toro’s opus, but if summary is a necessity then it could be said that Pan’s Labyrinth is conflict through the eyes of an innocent. As for the faun himself (who, curiously enough, is not actually called Pan), prolific suit performer and actor Doug Jones (next to be seen as the Silver surfer in the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel Rise of the Silver Surfer) has created a marvel. Previously having played the merman Abe Sapien in del Toro’s Hellboy, Jones manages to turn movement into poetry beneath layers of heavy prosthesis. Similarly, his other performance, as the nightmare-inducing Pale Man is equally incredible, providing one of the film’s standout moments while also displaying the director’s firm grasp of the horror genre. It is film art, with its innovative writer/director now having turned down the lucrative offer of two Harry Potter projects and Halo in preference of more personal projects. We can only hope that this passion is maintained in the future, because in Pan’s Labyrinth del Toro has produced one of the most memorable films of the decade. Ewen Hosie
F new release
SPECIAL Out Now hilst on a trial course of experimental antidepressants, Les Franken (Rapaport), a dejected traffic warden, starts to believe he’s acquiring superpowers. Repeatedly trying to pass through walls, Les becomes increasingly bloody. A dull script, tedious music and a lack of humour leaves us with the futile wish that Les would attempt flight from a massive building. Steven Florey
W
new release SNUFF MOVIE Out Now erhaps the title gives it away, but this film is unbelievably wank. The plot is confused, the actors are terrible, the camera work is dull, and not even full frontal nudity and sexual content can save it from being an absolute disaster. Good for laughs when you're sick of predictable Wilson brother films though. Francesca Jarvey
P
PAN’S LABYRINTH: Faun-tastic
new release AKEELAH AND THE BEE Out March 26th ince the success of Spellbound, there have been an array of similarly bee-related films released. None of these replications have quite managed to capture the excitement and emotional intensity of Jeffrey Blitz's documentary. Yet Akeelah and the Bee does at least offer, albeit an over-sentimental and contrived plot from the ghetto, a much better picture than Richard Gere's Bee Season that touched me more than when the nasty kid shows his/her parents some love in an episode of Supernanny. Sophie Robehmed
S
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FIFTYSEVEN
ARTS
These are a few of o Arts celebrate turning 50 by taking a look at the shows you love Saturday Night Fever
#39
This is a lively show with sensational choreography. The collaboration of fast stylistic routines and 70s disco classics gave the production vibrant energy and life, and certainly had me singing in my seat. Rebecca Child
Q U E N C H
50th edition
Blood Brothers
Is a musical for people who didn't think they liked musicals. Set in 60s Liverpool, it tells the story of twin brothers tragically separated at birth. With big, catchy numbers and lots of laughter the story is enrapturing, and when the final song draws to an end there is not a dry eye in the house. Kayleigh Excell First come tears of laughter, then come tears of pain as every hair on the back of your neck stands up. I have never been so moved by a play. Amy Harrison
The Rocky Horror Show
I saw this and enjoyed the vibrant culture of the evening; especially the stockings and eye makeup. Ross Eales I’ve been to see The Rocky Horror Show twice and it just gets better, and Jason Donovan in suspenders is a sight I shall never forget! Cat Richards
We Will Rock You
An amazing show with loads of wonderful music, very good actors and a brilliantly funny story. A respectful tribute to one of the best bands ever! Natalia Popova
FIFTYEIGHT
Gisèle
Gisèle is one of the most thoughtprovoking and ethereal ballets in existence, covering betrayal, devotion and love both before and beyond the grave. Its treatment of love as bittersweet, a mixture of extreme happiness and consuming madness, is realistic and heart-rending. Tasha Prest-Smith
The Woman in Black
Definitely the scariest and simplest play I have ever watched. As the two actors enact the drama the message is ‘less is more’. Amy Harrison
Miss Saigon
Fuertzabruta
Unlike anything I have ever seen - a storm of images, music and sensation. The paddling pool above the audience’s heads brought out the excited child in all of us. Kim O’Connor
My favourite show is Miss Saigon. I first saw it when I was little, and I was transfixed by the glittering comparison between East and West, especially during wartime. Claudia Pang
Tap Dogs
Under Milk Wood
Ship of Fools
This was a brilliant show to launch the Wales Theatre Company. Dylan Thomas’ affectionate depiction of Welsh community was handled masterfully by a talented cast. Funny and touching. Kim O’Connor
An energetic take on tap dance, these athletic Aussies manage to incorporate angle grinders and scaffolding into their passionate performance. Rosanne White I love the Knee High theatre company, particularly their version of Ship of Fools. They have a very distinct style, telling the story through a collaboration of dance, comedy and stage illusions. Jessie Collins
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ARTS
ur favourite things Grease
Grease has been going over thirty years. Its catchy songs, dance routines and loveable characters will undoubtedly keep it going for at least another thirty years. Amy Harrison
Mary Poppins
Les Misérables Edward Scissorhands
I really liked Matthew Bourne’s ballet production of Edward Scissorhands that came to Cardiff last year. It provided an alternative medium of storytelling and promoted individual interpretation. Josie Wiltshire
Out of Sight, Out of Murder
I loved Act One’s production of Out of Sight, Out of Murder performed last year. The play used comic satire to mock the classic ‘whodunit’ mysteries and was highly entertaining. Rebecca Child
Trainspotting
This was an extremely convincing and compelling show, portraying the lure of heroin culture. It was a veintapping, loo-diving virtuoso piece and a deliciously entertaining play that had me enthralled. Rebecca Child
The Blue Man Group
You never quite know where you stand with this spectacle. It is visually, audibly and tangibly marvellous, challenging theatre as we know it. Amy Harrison
ARTS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
Love this musical; I saw it in London for my twenty-first and thought it was fantastic! It has so much energy to it with strong and beautiful voices, excellent choreography and amazing set design. Rebecca Manley
Mappa Mundi
Are a company that always do fun and inventive productions of classics like Shakespeare and Chaucer. They're performing Moll Flanders at the Sherman Theatre soon - don't miss it! Kim O’Connor
At Swim, Two Boys
I'd wanted to see an Earthfall performance for ages and this did not disappoint: magical, engaging and completely original. At Swim, Two Boys is a beautifully poignant story that was translated perfectly for the stage in this production. Kim O’Connor
One of the best shows ever, with an amazing performance by the two child-stars. Even the parents couldn’t resist singing along to the cheerful music. A truly heartwarming show. Natalia Popova
Sound of Music
I sneaked into the Sound of Music Sing-a-Long for free and it was fabulous! Everyone was dressed up and waved edelweiss flowers when the famous song played. Claire Power
Cabaret
A musical for people who don’t do musicals. Dark, unsettling and the dude from Gimme Gimme Gimme gets butt naked! Hollie Clemence
West Side Story
A couple of years ago I went to see West Side Story. The singers and the dancers were amazing. I particularly enjoyed seeing them perform 'America'. I would definitely go see it again if I had the chance. Sarah Vine
Chicago
This play oozes with passion and sexuality. Raw and edgy, it captures the 1920s gangster vibe and makes you want to be part of it. Amy Harrison
FIFTYNINE
ARTS Cats
I saw the West End production of Cats in Manchester a few years ago and it was fantastic. The costumes were stunning and the intricate choreography and dancing was breathtaking. Rebecca Child
thought it was fantastic. It was even better on the stage. Like all the best literature, nothing much happens; it’s all in the quality of the acting and the deeper themes of the play. Ed Vanstone
The Witches
I went to see The Witches back in first year. Was very entertaining but even more so just watching the children in the audience react to the evil tricks of the bald-headed witches...plus, they actually made a boy disappear! Samantha Manton
Starlight Express
Who would imagine a musical about trains could be fun? The energy of the show is immense; I had to buy roller skates the next day. Amy Harrison
Quadrophenia
I saw this performed by the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama. Their productions are always very high quality, and this was no exception. The music was great, I wanted all the costumes and the show was bright, loud and glamorous. Kim O’Connor
Translations
I studied it in my first year and
The Chinese State Circus
This was amazing, there was an enormous metal globe which they filled with six motor cycles and rode around. It was exciting. Helen Thompson
Nineteen Eighty-Four
An imaginative reproduction of Orwell’s anti-utopian novel. Amazing visual, lighting and sound effects. Big Brother without the racial controversy. Hollie Clemence
West Side Story
I really like this show because tough boys dance in tights and throw rocks at each other. It’s also very romantic and I like the song ‘Maria’ Katie Kennedy
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
I saw this on an English Society trip in my first year. It was a real treat to see an RSC performance. As well as the top-notch acting, the set was beautiful. It completely captured the magic of the forest. Kim O’Connor
SIXTY
What the experts think... #40 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Moon for the Misbegotten
I saw Moon for the Misbegotten at the Old Vic in London at the end of last year and it was amazing. We had cheap under 25s tickets so were sat right at the front and were so close to Kevin Spacey who was just fantastic! I also got to see a lot of great stuff at The Sherman I'm sworn to secrecy at the moment but we have some amazing comedy names lined up for Autumn! Jenny Boyatt, The Sherman
Forced Entertainment: Exquisite Pain
I’m a big fan of Forced Entertainment and I'm really pleased that they're back at Chapter soon to present their latest show based on texts by the French conceptual artist Sophie Calle. Exquisite Pain was a book work in which, if I remember correctly, Calle documented the disintegration of a love affair. Intense, poetic stuff. I can't wait to see what Forced Ents will do with the material. Cathy Boyce, Chapter Arts
Fame
The smash hit dance explosion that has captivated the country for over a decade is coming to the New Theatre in March. It’s a real feel-good show and perfect for anyone who has ever wanted to be a ‘kid from Fame’! Fame is packed with breathtaking dance routines and unforgettable songs as the students of New York’s High School for the Performing Arts find themselves on an inspiring journey of laughter, tears and romance. Chris Williams, New Theatre
ARTS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
ARTS
A bloody good show KHOVANSHCHINA
Wales Millennium Centre 17 February 2007 sing- a-long Russian
M
odest Mussorgsky’s Khovanshchina is the latest in the Welsh National Opera’s Russian series, which ploughs on regardless of the premature exit of their intended director Tugan Sokhiev. Instead David Pountney returns to the WNO to take the reigns, and on the back of tonight’s performance he can ride home triumphant. So too can Lothar Koenigs, as his conducting of his debut operatic performance with the WNO was spectacular to say the least. Mussorgsky’s score remained unfinished at the time of his death in 1881. This performance uses the Tchaikovsky finished version with a final chorus added by Stravinsky in 1913. In true Russian style the music is immense and powerful and at times when the full orchestra is
BLOOD RELATIONS
Crwys Theatre 20 - 24 February 2007
D
act one act well
id she? Didn’t she? For years these questions have aroused the curiosity of the inhabitants of a little town in Massachusetts. Did Lizzie kill her parents? Blood Relations is a story about killers and victims, about what is real and what is not, about what people let us believe and why we believe
ARTS@GAIRRHYDD.COM
accompanied by the full chorus the WMC finally feels filled with sound in a way I have often felt performances have failed to achieve in the past. The effect is intoxicating. Khovanshchina tells the tale of Russia under Peter the Great complete with a love triangle, a triumvirate of power and a mass suicide pact. The chorus is divided between three distinct groups: Khovansky’s private army, the Streltsy; Golytsin’s liberal remnants of the previous regime; and Dosifei’s cult of Old Believers. The Tsarina is never seen while the story of her succession plays out
“
before us and her representative Shaklovity endeavours to quash the attempts of our three groups. A fictional character Marfa – a clairvoyant gypsy girl – is brought into the fold to facilitate romantic rivalry and mysticism, and to link all the main characters together. David Pountney’s Khovanshchina had an awesome authenticity to it, with every diorama evoking WWII Russian Communist propaganda.
The lighting managed somehow to direct your eyes perfectly to the correct place that they should be as the action played out and the bold costumes helped to alleviate any potential confusion over the many groups of players on the stage at any one time. The only criticism I would lay at Pountney’s feet is the decision not to have subtitles. Even though the Opera was sung in English, at times, with the grandiose music booming and the emotions of the singers flaring, it became very difficult to pick out what the individuals were saying and thus to follow the plot. I would have preferred to have had the choice to read the lines. Aside from that Khovanshchina was a quite glorious experience. Harold Shiel
it. It’s based on the true story of the murder of Andrew Borden and his wife. The scene opens with an actress practising her part, she is a friend of Lizzie and she is the person who Lizzie will ask to play a game. The game consists of reliving the days before the tragedy with the actress playing Lizzie and Lizzie playing Bridget the housemaid. Old wounds will be reopened as Lizzie relives the difficult relationship with her stepmother, the hate she feels for her uncle and her problematic love towards her father.
The show is well-acted by Ceri Clutterbuck and Danielle Klentzeris, both performing two characters each, give proof of great versatility and extraordinary professionalism. The other actors also perfectly fit in the clothes of 19th century people, keeping the standard of the performance high. Jon Venn and Louise Wright are also fabulous and it’s hard not to feel affection for their characters at the end. Carrie Coggon’s excellent direction finished off a fantastic production. Rosaria Sguegliar
In true Russian style the music is immense and powerful. The effect is intoxicating
SIXTYONE
DIGITAL
The Final Countdown Digital gives you the first installment of a technological breakthrough that will take you back to the day 1. Mass communication:
#41
Mass communication is the best invention ever, including the wheel. On the internet you can download a video of a wheel crushing a pigeon, transfer it to a mobile phone and then Bluetooth it to a stranger in the pub. With that silly old wheel you’d have to do it all yourself and there’s no certainty that a compliant-enough stranger and foolish-enough pigeon would ever be sufficiently close to one another. Plus, the world was crying out for a faster and more efficient courier for violent pornography and I’m just glad it came around soon enough for me to enjoy the spectacle that is a good Hatefuck in my own parents home. Tim Scriven
2. Search Engines: The internet is a brilliant invention that has truly changed the way in which we view the world. If you wanted to find out how the ludicrously inflated economic sanctions imposed on Germany after WW1 combined with a global recession caused the rise of Hitler you can. Alternatively you can sit back and enjoy some blaring anal pornography. The point is you have access to reams of information the world over and I can’t see how providing the public with information and letting people from rapidly diverse backgrounds interact with each other is ever a bad idea. Tim Scriven
3. University Broadband: I am close to becoming an internet addict. I took the Internet Addiction Test (IAT) on the net, http://www.netaddiction.com/resour ces/internet_addiction_test.htm and scored 66; this meant that I am “experiencing occasional or frequent problems because of the internet” and that I “should consider their full impact on my life”. So I considered, as the uni pay for my broadband then surely I have not neglected academic work because they clearly want me to surf. And I haven’t become socially isolated, I just find it safer to know that I can just block a person if I they start asking me what my real name is. John Davies
Q U E N C H
50th edition
4. Blogs: Whether you’ve experienced them or not, it looks like blogs are here to stay. Many in the communications world realise that they’ve revolutionised how we understand the media and find out about current events. They’ve provided insights into huge corporations: Robert Scoble, for instance, blogged while working at Microsoft. But they’ve also allowed millions of ‘normal’ people to express themselves and connect to like-minded others across the globe - even get married to them, apparently. Now how can that be a bad thing. Well, when your boring work colleague forces you to trawl through their travel blog, for a start… Lucy Rowe
5. Google Earth: Like Multi-Map on steroids, Google Earth affords the user bird’s-eye views of every square inch of our fair earth. A sort of amicable Big Brother, the satellite imagery allows you to zoom right in on any location you desire - which is brilliant for retracing your gap year trip, or checking out some of the Earth’s numerous natural wonders. The only downside is when your mum calls you up and gives you a hell of a fright by telling you she can see your front door. Another drawback is that George Bush likes to go ‘on the Google’ too; probably to look for new countries to invade. Richard Ward
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DIGITAL 6. Email: If you’re looking for dodgy prescription drugs, a fake diploma and a computer virus, look no further than your own email inbox. Filters may be getting more intelligent as time goes on but the fact is that you’re still getting spam. Email is a great tool for keeping in contact with friends, family and colleagues, but it’s hard to remember this when you check your emails on your mobile and spend a ridiculous amount of money downloading numbers of emails offering ‘V14GR4’ before seeing that no one you actually know has emailed you. Shame. Lucy Rowe
7. MSN: Where do I start - where would my life be without it? Where would any student be without it? It fills hours of time when we should be working, but are instead chatting to mates who probably only live a few doors down. If chatting is not enough to occupy our tiny little minds the amusing smilies can do the job. If it’s keeping up with those mates you’d never call, arranging nights out, or just wasting time MSN is indispensable. Chloe Adams
8. Mobile Phones: Before mobile phones people were a lot harder to track down and it stands to reason that the only people who don’t want to be tracked down are: (a) criminals or (b) comedy dads who always try and pretend to their stereotypicallynagging wives that they are not in fact down the boozer. The mobile phone has made some people more socially engaged and generally safer. On the other hand, it has helped produce a generation of semi-literate yobs who cannot remember how to write or speak normally, so instead film themselves hitting strangers. Tim Scriven
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9. Snake and the Nokia 3210: Back in 1999 this model hit the mobile 'phone market harder than Stan hit Ulrika (not proven). This was due to a number of things, namely it's snazzy blue frontage, cool flattened design and the inclusion of the game 'Snake'. Also essential to it's popularity were the big buttons, needed for getting a high score on Snake, and a big screen so you could concentrate on playing Snake. Like Tetris, Snake’s genius was in its simplicity, and if you had any type of narcotic in your system.
Snake became even better, unlike Snake 2 which was overcomplicated and too auspicious. The game Snake was also more addictive than crack spliced with those fizzy blue and pink bottles. My mate Wisey reckons he played it for so long that the snake filled up the screen once. Snake is an amazing game - if I could just have written about Snake then I would have. Tom Birts
10. Ringtones: Let’s face it, there are few people alive who haven’t wanted to commence a killing spree after a group of people start a ‘tone-off’ in the seat next to you on a train or bus. Even worse is if you, like me, own a Sagem, who’s library of cringe worthy ringtones means that you always leave it - out of shame - on silent, and miss loads of calls. And don’t even get me started on that Crazy Frog. Richard Ward
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GOING OUT
Cardiff’s 50 undiscovered gems Shops 1 Shared Earth (Royal Arcade) This is a beautiful shop that sells fairtrade gifts such as photo frames, candles and funky boxes. 2 D’Vinyl (Albany Road) “D'Vinyl at the top of City Road is a great shop if you’vr inclined to retro music in its more antiquated form. You might need a beard to truly feel at home in there, but it’s a place that no serious music connoisseur should miss out on.” - Josh Gardner, 3rd Year History student 3 Spillers (The Hayes) The oldest music shop in the world. With news that it might be closing this could be your last chance to check out the world famous shop.
- Tom Kapella, 3rd year English Literature student. 5 Drop Dead Budgie (Royal Arcade) Upstairs in the Royal Antiques Centre this shop sells vintage and retro clothing and accessories. 6 Nice (Royal Arcade) 7 The Bear Shop (Wyndhem Arcade) Every cigar you could dream of under one roof. 8 Rojo (Albany Road) “Rojo is a really reasoably priced little gift shop on Albany Road, opposite Savers. It’s absolutely brilliant for last minute presents, they always have something cool and individual.” - Ceri Morgan, gair rhydd Science Editor 9 Lovespoon Studio (Castle Arcade)
4 Troutmark Books (Castle Arcade) “There’s a really good bookshop in the arcade opposite the castle. It’s excellent for cheap second-hand books and a lot of hard to find things - helpful for English Lit students!”
10 Wally’s Delicatessen (Royal Arcade) An Aladdin’s cave of unusual ingredients and foods from around the world, such as preserves and pickles, cheeses, curry pastes and sauces, gingerbread and sweets.
Cafes
Year English student.
11 International Cafe (Every Friday @ HighFields Church) A chance to learn about different cultures and meet students from other backgrounds. 12 Cafe Aroma (Crwys Road) “Cafe aroma on Crwys Road is a must-visit. It has a fab selection of sandwich fillings as well as smoothies, teas and coffees, all within the student budget.” - Clare Forsey, 3rd
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13 Madamme Fromage (Castle Arcade) “Madamme Fromage is a deli. It sells all sorts of meats and cheeses. They will also put anything you want from their range into baguettes. They recently opened a sitdown cafe.” - Ken Franklin, Masters Theology student. 14 Gorge with George (West Bute Street, Cardiff Bay) “Down in the bay there's a sandwich shop called Gorge with George. I dis-
covered it just before leaving my job down there. It's well popular for workers but students that head down probably don't know it. It's only 5five minutes walk from the Millennium Centre and their filled rolls are great value.” - Ken Franklin, Theology Masters student. 15 Lunch (Salisbury Road) A good place to pick up a lunchtime baguette. They have meal deals where you can get a baguette, crisps and a drink for a bargain price. 16 The Plan (Morgan Arcade) This is a lovely spacious cafe with high ceilings and a modern tearoom atmosphere. All the food is local, seasonal or fairtrade. 17 The Gate (Keppoch Street) “We like The Gate - it's a converted church off City Road - the building has been really well renovated, there's a lovely cafe which serves amazing food and they have regular open-mic nights that give local artists, writers and musicians the chance to perform. It's a little hidden treasure we think.” - Kim and Becca, Quench Art Editors. 18 Milgis Kitchen Lounge & Gallery (City Road) Amazingly hip Welsh cafe with unusual decor. 19 Terra Nova (Roath Lake) “The Terra Nova is a small cafe which plays Ella Fitzgerald while you eat your Panini. There is always space there on a weekday,and wherever you sit, you have a view of the lake.” - Ceri Morgan, gair rhydd Science Editor. 20 Cathays Community Cafe (Cathays Terrace) “Great baguettes, especially "the nathan", all fairtrade as well.”- Katie Kennedy, gair rhydd News Editor.
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GOING OUT 21 Love Coffi (Crwys Road) Great smoothies and they hang artwork on the walls.
#42 Q U E N C H
22 Hoffi Coffee (Woodville Road)
50th edition
23 Kappucinos (Cathays Terrace) Popular with Humanities students’ and muffins only 95p. 24 New York Deli (Royal Arcade) 25 Sherman Theatre Cafe (Senghennydd Road) Very cheap lunchtime meals and you could even go and see a show afterwards.
Restaurants 26 Pica Pica Mediterranean Tapas Bar (Westgate Street) “It’s a small atmospheric restaurant and bar that has a big cocktail list. The food is it’s selling point, the tapas is cheap, authentic and delicious. I would recommend the dough balls with salsa any day.” - Clare Forsey, 3rd Year English student. 27 Kismet (City Road) “Kismet Indian restaurant will probably be familiar to many in the City
Clubs and Bars 36 Minsky’s (St David’s Centre) “Minsky’s do a great lunch menu, and the place is quite fun to be in. I've never been there to see Miss Kitty and friends, but apparently it's a good girls’ night out when the cabaret is on.” - Ken Franklin, Theology Masters student. 37 Barfly (Kingsway) 38 Henry Africa’s cocktail bar (St Marys Street) 39 Clwb Ifor Bach (Womanby Street) 40 Bar 33 (Windsor Place)
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Hidden gem, Pen & Wig...
Road area, but for those who aren't, it’s a gem of a place, serving good food, and with a bargain deal of three courses for £5! It’s a great starting place if you’re off for a night out with your mates and it’s conveniently next to the Ernest Willow's Wetherspoons, from which you can head off for a night of living it up.” - Josh Gardner, 3rd year History student. 28 Cardamom (Canton) “Seriously THE best Indian in Cardiff and pretty reasonable too.” - Amy, gair rhydd Features Editor. 29 Noble House takeaway (Albany
41 Glo Bar (Churchill Way) “On Wednesday nights they do a live music night and have a soloist and a band play starting from 9pm. It has a really good atmosphere and the people are really friendly. Drinks are a little more expensive than the Union but not excessive. Its really worth a look. It was relaxed and I had a really chilled evening.” - Becca, Quench Arts Editor. 42 The Point (Mount Stuart Square, Cardiff Bay)
Road) Tasty Chinese and Thai food at reasonable prices. 30 The Mezzaluna (City Road) 31 Pepe’s El Paso (City Road) 32 The Hawaiian (City Road) 33 Daiquiris (Salisbury Road) Great priced Mexican food and yummy piña coladas. 34 Coal (The Brewery Quarter) 35 China China (St Mary Street) Very cheap all-you-can-eat Chinese
Pubs 46 The Three Arches (Cyncoed) “The Three Arches in Cyncoed is a really nice pub, great "old man" atmosphere and the food is magnificent, be a good place to go if you were a med student due to its proximity to the Heath.” - Josh Gardner. 3rd year History Student. 47 The Albany (Albany Road)
43 Funky Buddha Lounge (Woodville Road)
48 Dempseys (Castle Street) Traditional Irish pub.
44 The Glee Club (Mermaid Quay, Cardiff Bay)
49 Pen & Wig (Park Grove) You can rent board games!
45 Club X (Charles Street)
50 Rummer Tavern (Castle Street)
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CULT CLASSICS 3. A Way of Life (2004)
#43 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Welsh wonders In a tribute to the land of our fathers we salute ten of the best Cult Classics that Wales has to offer 1. Manic Street Preachers
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he Manic Street Preachers are that rare breed, playing by their own rules yet still achieving the worldwide success they deserve. Combining glam-punk with politics, Generation Terrorists, their ferocious debut, brought them to the fore. But it was a third album, The Holy Bible, which made people take notice - this was a band to be reckoned with. James Dean Bradfield, Nicky Wire and Sean Moore all brought different elements to the band. But in Richie Edwards they possessed a true enigma, a talented songwriter, popular with fans but deeply troubled. In 1995 his car was found abandoned by the Severn Bridge, his disappearance was tragic but added an enduring mystique to the band. The Manics
Manics: Holy
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continued and while Britpop drowned in champagne and cocaine, The Manics were still a voice of rebellion. Everything Must Go and This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours elevated them to rock giants. In 2001 they became the first Western band to play in Cuba, highlighting their global superstardom and unrelenting political motivation. They continue to work doggedly either collectively or, more recently, on solo material. They have superseded the label of cult band and have cemented a legacy as one of the best bands ever. Jimmy Interpol
2. John Cale A true legend who produced albums for The Stooges, Patti Smith and Happy Mondays. On top of that not only does he play the viola, but he played the viola in the Velvet Underground- you can’t get any cooler than that.
Good but grim, this was a gritty, uneasy, but thoroughly thought provoking story about poverty, race and family in a small Welsh town. And no, that last sentence didn’t come from the back of the DVD cover.
4. Peter Baynham
Perhaps the funniest man nobody’s ever heard of. Not only was Baynham one of the geniuses behind The Day Today, Brass Eye and I’m Alan Partridge, but he also helped write the Borat movie. On top of that he was the star of the ‘It’s not leafy, it’s too gorgeous’ Pot Noodle Ads. Legend.
5. Marion and Geoff
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ome would say the definition of a good TV comedy was a successful TV comedy, millions of viewers, celebrity cameos and endless repeats. However, one comedy that managed to fly in the face of this rule was Marion and Geoff. The breakthrough for Swanseaborn Rob Brydon, Marion and Geoff was the most simplistic of ideas. Much like The Office it took on a distinct reality television style, one camera mounted on a car dashboard following the trials and tribulations of taxi driver/chauffeur Keith Barrett. Life isn’t easy for Keith. During the course of the show he discovers that his wife Marion is having an affair with work colleague Geoff and one of his children (or his ‘little smashers’) may not be his own. It may sound morose but Brydon manages to eek not only moments of extreme tenderness out of them but also many, many laughs. Throughout this, all we see is Keith, no other characters, no other voices, just Keith. This technique makes the show all the more personal and enjoyable. Originally aired on BBC Wales, each episode was only 10 minutes long but it achieved such cult status it was soon expanded to 30 minutes and after this a spin-off show and sold out tours for its star Keith. Proof positive that rules are there to be broken. Marty McQueen
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CULT CLASSICS
mclusky: Rock It
6. Mclusky
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ver seen the movie Three Men and A Baby? It’s nice; Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg playing three bachelors who have to bring up a baby. Cardiff’s mclusky were raised in a similar manner, only rather than messeurs Selleck, Danson and Guttenberg mclusky had to make do with The Fall front man Mark E Smith, Bill Hicks and an evil pitbull terrier. The result was a rabid wolf child who was suspended from school for biting the other kid’s faces and pissing up the teacher’s leg. Good behaviour may not have been their strongpoint but they were damn fine at bashing the shit out of musical instruments. In their all too short existence, mclusky released three full albums My Pain and Sadness Is More Painful and Sad Than Yours, mclusky Do Dallas and The Difference Between You and Me Is That I’m Not On Fire. Throughout, they displayed a Pixies/Shellac-like vitriolic sound, telling tales of freaks, religion, aliens, celebrities and more, chewing up and spitting out anything that stood in their way and all done with a wicked, wry smile. Their break up in 2005 caused rock addicts around the world to weep like babies; however, fans can get themselves a new hit in the form of Future of the Left. Two parts mclusky in the shape of singer Andy Falkous and drummer Jack Egglestone, one part Jarcrew in bassist Kelson Mathias. While they never achieved the success they should have, their style, sound and spotless career ensured (to some at least) that they became not just the best band in Cardiff, not just the best band in Wales but also the best band in the world. Tom Brookes
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Marks: Grow It
7. Howard Marks If it’s possible to be a Cult Classic drug dealer then I guess Howard Marks (a.k.a. Mr Nice) is one. Aside from making a small fortune in weed smuggling he’s released several books, sold-out spoken word tours and on the side he rents out the Spanish apartment where he wrote Dope Stories. Nice. He’s also made cheeky cameos in several music videos and movies, including the next Cult Classic on our list.
8. Human Traffic (1999) Essentially a tale of the messiest weekend of your life, this isn’t your average night at Come Play. Take a group of friends, a lot of raving and a lot of drugs and you have Human Traffic. Starring John ‘I’m Off The Telly’ Simm and Danny ‘You Faaacking Mug’ Dyer, this is a fast and funny look at Cardiff nightlife.
Take a group of friends, a lot of raving and a lot of drugs 9. Tom Jones A man walks into a doctor’s surgery – “Doctor doctor I’m having trouble sleeping. Every time I lie on my right side I hear ‘Delilah’ and every time I lie on my left side I hear ‘The Green Green Grass Of Home.’” Doctor – “Well it sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones fever.” Man – “Tom Jones fever? Oh no, is it common?” Doctor – “Well it’s not unusual!” Ba-dum-dum-tish… I’ll get me coat.
Thomas: Poet
10. Dylan Thomas
Q
uite possibly the greatest writer in Welsh history, Dylan Thomas is a monumental Welsh national icon. On both sides of the Atlantic his words have been read and appreciated, his influence seeping into music and his style resonating around contemporary writers. He is a force to be reckoned with and, in 2004, the ‘Dylan Thomas Prize’ was created to pay tribute to him. Born in Swansea, Dylan was writing from a young age, producing works such as And Death Shall Have No Dominion. His work progressed beyond the boundaries of poetic consciousness and intertwined with play writing and short stories, Under Milk Wood being his most famous. Dylan’s lifestyle was open to scrutiny and he had an apparent taste for self-destruction. His love for alcohol was a major part of his character. He was once quoted saying, “I’ve had 18 straight whiskies; I think this is a record.” Eventually, his drinking reached an end point and claimed his life in 1953. Dylan Thomas will always be known as the greatest poet in Wales, yet he is seen, even today, among the backdrop of the current zeitgeist and the trends and fashions inherent within it, as one of the most influential and everlasting figures of literature in the last century. Gareth Mogg
Cult Classics Recommends Twin Town (1997) Rhod Gilbert Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci SIXTYSEVEN
BLIND DATE
The Love Doctor will see you now Turn on the radio in the evening and you'll hear Late Night Love's Graham Torrington solving the nation's relationship problems
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unning for almost 12 years, the show is interactive, allowing its listeners to discuss both contemporary and personal dating problems. Little Miss Blind Date decided it was time to talk cheesy chat-up lines, scuba-diving and Jeremy Kyle with the King of Agony Uncles. How did you get started? “I worked at BRMB for years and did lots of different shows, from the lunchtime slot to drivetime and there was this love-show on a Sunday night. It was awful; the presenter used to read poetry out on it. When I inherited the show I said I'd only do it if I didn't have to read poetry. I wanted to get people on the phone and speak to them, which I think in those days was quite ground-breaking.” Over the years you’ve set up lots of couples; is it more or less than Cilla Black? “There have been lots of successes. It always sounds cheesy when you're talking about things like this, but you really do have a direct input into people's lives.” What's the strangest dilemma you’ve had on the air? “We've done everything from domestic violence to more light-hearted topics like swingers’ parties!” What's the worst chat-up line you’ve ever heard? “I can't stand them. Anyone who comes up with them, (and let's be honest it's often blokes), need to be more original. If you can't be bothered to think of anything more original, you'll make a fool of yourself.”
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If you’ve got the hots for someone, go for it Sex on the first date: good, bad or ugly? “I think you've got to work out why you're on the date. If you're going because you want a shag then great, but if you want something with this person then I think you should hold back. Always decide before the date what you want out of it.” If you only had a fiver to spend on a date, what would you do with it? “Oh god. I would actually spend the money on wine and invite your date over. Then you've got the romantic surroundings, mood and music, so yeah, I would spend the money on alcohol.” (LMBD-Good answer!)
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#44 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Lots of students are either moving to uni or graduating and contemplating long-distance relationships. What's your advice for sustaining long-distance love? “My first thoughts on this are that if you get the chance to go travelling when you're young and have no responsibilities other than a relationship, then do it. But be honest with your partner; tell them this is a trip of a lifetime. It's very important that you speak to them face-to-face. You need to be able to trust each other.” What's your advice for shy people looking for love? “This is something we always come across on the show. No-one likes to be rejected. If you've got the hots for someone, at some stage you've got to find it in yourself to go for it, ‘cause if you don't, someone else will.” Have you ever considered joining forces with Jeremy Kyle and do you think that together you could save the world? “Actually, Jeremy's a friend of mine, but he does his thing and I do mine. I'm very flattered though. I suppose you could say that between us, we're just trying to sort people out.” In true Cilla style, Blind Date asks our Graham three quick-fire questions: What was the first thing you thought of when you got up this morning? “Better check my emails!” If you were a superhero, who would you be? “I don't know, Superman? To be honest, I'm happy being me doing what I do. Hang on, that's a crap answer isn't it? What I mean is that I'm not into celebrity or anything like that; I'm a normal bloke who likes going down the pub with his mates.” What is the definitive love song? “We did a Valentine's Top 20 on the show and number one was Robbie William's Angels which I like. Also, I like Brenda Russell's Piano in the Dark and Chicago's If You Leave Me Now.” You can catch Graham on Late Night Love Monday to Thursday from 10pm to 1am on Red Dragon FM. For 'The Best of Late Night Love' tune in on Sundays from 9pm-Midnight.
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THE FINAL WHISTLE #45 Q U E N C H
50th edition
Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge and Newport County’s stadium
The greatest (non) league in the world John Stanton says that away from the high-profile circus that is top level football, the beautiful game is still very much alive
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s we await with anticipation the next round of Champions League matches to be staged this week, so we hail and advance the unstoppable greed of football at the highest level. As an ideal, the tournament is valid. Its inception was viewed as a way of bringing together the world’s elite, and the subsequent duels for supremacy were to present us all with entertainment so sublime we could barely resist its clutches. For years the competition was a highlight of the sporting calendar, but now it is not so much a beauty as a bore. It represents all that is wrong with the game. Football at this exalted level has lost its heritage, its connection with the fans. But sadly, the majority of supporters, whose blind faith knows no bounds, have yet to realise it. That young fans support Premiership teams rather than their local club has long been a point of contention in football circles. The Fulham manager, Chris Coleman, even joined the debate last week, condemning those who follow clubs outside of their own locality. What bypasses most ‘fans’ is that, at the base of football’s structure, there is a whole undergrowth of clubs who are the lifeblood of the
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game. The non-league pyramid, which is a consistent source of players for the bigger clubs, is thriving right beneath our very eyes. Wherever you live – and in south Wales there are plenty – there will be a host of non-league teams worth supporting. Sure, Cardiff is a good place to watch high-class football at present, with the Bluebirds striving for promotion, but what about Cardiff Grange Quins? What about Newport County? County – the Exiles – have a chequered history. After folding in 1989, they reformed in Gloucestershire and began their steady progress back towards the summit of the nonleague game.
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The absence of mega-money brings with it an absence of egos This season, they have had the likes of former Wales internationals Jason Bowen and Nathan Blake in their side, as well as Dean Holdsworth, who was capped at England ‘B’ level. But this wealth of talent goes unnoticed by those who focus solely on the ‘glory’ attainable
in supporting the bigger clubs. Newport’s troubled past provides a microcosm of the game at that level throughout Britain. Forget the public relations gurus, the press officers and the spin – this is where the game is truly alive with intrigue, interest and character. Only when you step out of the madness that is top-level football do you find clubs where fans have worthwhile relationships with the players they adore. Only here are fans and players friends, sharing a beer in the bar after a game. It is the wealth that makes this difference. The absence of megamoney brings with it an absence of egos, and the result is a far healthier footballing set-up. The likes of John Terry and Frank Lampard may claim to have great relationships with Chelsea fans, but in truth that is no more than a façade. When was the last time – in the absence of a TV camera – that these Premiership prima donnas had a worthwhile chat with a fan? Money has killed the game at the top level. The theatrics and tantrums of Europe’s top players disgust more than their skills delight. For football in its purest form – shorn of all that soils the beautiful game – nonleague is where it’s at.
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TELEVISION #46 Q U E N C H
50th edition
T unnel Vi s i o n TV Manners
The teach is back
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recent (undisclosed) poll has decided that British soaps are far too depressing. Out of a whole range of shows ‘investigated’ (as much as you can investigate the plot of Emmerdale), the British ones were deemed to be far less upbeat than our American counterparts. Why is this? What is it about the British soap which means that instead of drop-dead gorgeous models, athletic men with ripped physiques and children aspiring to attend the Ivy league universities, we have Beryl, Kat and Steve vying for the new position at the local café, which has become vacant since the tragic death of Sally who overdosed because she couldn’t cope with the betrayal of her husband (who, incidentally, was having a steamy affair with Raquel). And that’s just one episode. No wonder the kids of today are feeling more
depressed than the rest of the soapviewing world if that’s what they get to come home to. Even in the mythical-beautiful world of Hollyoaks, where you can’t move for low cut tops and even higher-cut skirts, there are deaths, drugs, diseases and the occasional battle with depression (as well as random teen pregnancies – how is that storyline working?). Perhaps we enjoy watching these ‘isn’t it dull up north’ shows because it makes us feel better about ourselves? Or perhaps we watch these shows, where the best method of achieving notoriety and influence is to work behind the bar of the generic pub, or to work behind the scenes for the local gangster, to remind us of the life we never should lead. If you ever end up like Kevin in Corrie, working for sandwiches in the local (always local) garage, I’ll come round and get all Fight Club on your ass.
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The best we ever tried was Crossroads but even that just wasn’t glam enough
The most difficult thing about shooting a soap in Britain is the climate. Planning to mimic The O.C. with the hot, young teens gallivanting around Weston-Super-Mare isn’t really going to compare to the galas and parades on the sun kissed beaches of southern
California. The best we ever tried was Crossroads, but even that just wasn’t glam enough. What, I think, these polls don’t understand is that we actually enjoy the grim, wet and wholly un-aspirational soaps. The sight of Babs from the Queen Vic witnessing the apparent manslaughter of her most recent fling warms the cockles of even the most hardened viewer. Why do we need a fancy cotillion (that’s a ball to the Emmerdale viewers out there) when we’ve got student night at the Loft, or bingo night in the Woolpack? Some shady goings on in the nail-bar are always going to out do champagne and cocktails at a pool party in the depths of Orange County. Even when we try to bring some spice (see Skins), it’s clear that sooner or later, one of those Bristol teens is going to pop it. No matter where you look on British TV, there is nothing to give hope to the youth of today. Why study maths when you can randomly pick numbers and win the contents of Noel Edmonds’ box? I don’t think we’re doing too badly though. You’re here reading this because you’ve come to uni and (hopefully) have some direction in your life. And not a nail bar in sight. So perhaps we should take some positives from the poll. We may not have the glamour of the ubiquitous American teen soaps, but where would we be without the death of a character, only for that person to arrive back on the scene in a few week’s time. What greater aspirations do you need when there’s reincarnation and miracles? There’s always a pint in the local at the end of the day. Genius.
Teens in Weston-Super-Mare is hardly The OC
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IN CITY速 UNDERSEXEDTHE #47 Q U E N C H
50th edition
SEVENTYONE