Quench - Issue 51

Q U E N C H

D IA N G UA R N T E D ST U E A Z IN G A M E OF TH YEAR

QUENCH.GAIRRHYDD.COM > VOL 4.51 > MAR.19.2007

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR FOOD COMES FROM? FOOD INVESTIGATES WHAT TYPE OF TRAVELLER ARE YOU? TAKE QUENCH’S QUIZ

Could you live without denim? d...

One Quench writer trie

S N JEA E I K N JU

OUTLAWED

and Sean Bean, Film meet Danny Dyer, Nick Love the stars of controversial new film Outlaw

QUENCH.GAIRRHYDD.COM > VOL 4.51 > MARCH 19 2007

CONTENTS

features 08INTERVIEWS

Gill off: Former X-files Gillian Anderson on her new film

16FEATURES

What’s your poison?

Features investigate Absinthe

18GAY

Bi-curious: Gay discover a bit about bi-sexuality

46DIGITAL

Top of the pops: The next step in our countdown of all things digital

Sometimes writer-directors can get possesive about their characters Interviews/ page 08

regulars 04THE BLURB

32BOOKS

06DEBATE

34ART

07GRACE

41FILM

12FASHION

50GOING OUT

14FOOD

52CULT CLASSICS

16TRAVEL

54THE FINAL WHISTLE

Cycling me mad

A chip off the old block Grilling stuff

Jeans junkies

Going the distance What kind are you?

23REVIEWS Aim-ing high

Around the world, around the world Preview and review Dyer-ing to meet the cast Let’s go outside

Childhood gaming

Touting tickets

55TUNNEL VISION Skinning me alive

Executive editor Perri Lewis Editor Sophie Robehmed Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan Arts Kim O’Connor, Rebecca Child Blind Date Rosanne and Olivia Books Daisy Beare Columnists Gareth Paisey, Grace DeVille, Dave Menon, John Widdop Cult Classics Tom Brookes Debate Caleb Woodbridge Digital Dom MukwambaSendall Fashion Leana Crookes, Matt Hitt Features Amy Harrison, Ben Bryant Film Ewen Hosie, Ryan Owen, Si Truss Food Joanne Grew Gay Deen Lloyd, Jenny Hall Going Out Kayleigh Excell, Rachel Clare Interviews Amira Hashish, Nicola Menage Music Mike Richards, Sofie Jenkinson, Will Hitchins Photography Adam Gasson, James Perou, Sarah Day Travel Chris Rogers, Jim Whiteley Cover Design Graeme Porteous Proof Readers Elise Kirke, Kate Dobbs, Kieran Harwood Contributors Huw Davies, Matt Horwood, Tasha Prest-Smith, Renyi Lim, Laura Rowe, Andrew White, Dafydd Jones, Jameson Kergozou, Juliet Chard, Emily Kendrick, Gillian Couch, Henry Cann, Kyle Ellison, Ben Jones, Josie Allchin, Tom Victor, Ben Marshall, Rob Clark, Rozii Eastoe, Fionnuala Coombs, Emily Khan, Cat Grogan, Ellen Waddell, Ana Moreas, Christopher White, Hollie Clemence, Sidney Saffron, Ashley James, Rhys Trigg, Andy Parsons, Richard Ward, Brychan Govier, Timothy Scriven, Josh Gardner, Lucy Reader, James Rendell, Philip Jones, Jack Zorab

25MUSIC

Wining away some time

QUENCH@GAIRRHYDD.COM

Best Student Publication 2005

Best Student Magazine 2005 & 2006

THE BLURB q.ed. elections, it is nice

Y

es, it is that time again. Student elections are upon us once more but when you read this, the predominantly apathetic masses will be able to breathe a sigh of relief that they won’t be faced with another costumed buffoon or have to hear them shout either.

As I bring up my blanket to keep out the cold and rock (on my rocking chair, not out of instability), it seems only yesterday that I was an Exorcist version of Benny Hill (as my intention to not pose seemingly backfired by the number of people informing me how scary my photo indeed looked and whether I was in fact the same person) and bombarding inebriated individuals with my policies and Tesco Value loaf. Oh, those were indeed the days.

That three-week election process last March was simultaneously one of the most rewarding and challenging events that I think I have ever voluntarily done.

The constant battle to talk to people about my manifesto, to talk in front of lecture halls where students were rightly looking bemused as to why I should be holding a squashed bag of bread and a flaccid cardboard sign and to laugh when I could have quite easily sat down and bawled my yeast-ridden (because I was a loaf and not suffering from ‘thrush of les yeux’ but does that even exist?) eyes out (cue violins). Although as clichéd as it may sound, it was the camaraderie of the other candidates and adrenaline buzzing around your body that kept you trucking along. But I can’t tell you what a difference it made when people were actually nice and receptive. I know it’s easy to feel indifferent to, and disillusioned by, the state of politics let alone the tamer student scene. But it’s great if you can think it’s only one week out of your life and the people running for these positions on the whole are running for the right reasons and wouldn’t be running if they weren’t passionate about the cause. Applaud them because you need balls (or have to initially grow them) to do it. I remember people getting annoyed by the elections seeming like a game of gimmicks but then again, these people also often didn’t bother reading about what the candidates hoped to achieve, which is rather essential to an informed vote. Mais c’est la vie (I don’t know what my tendency towards French in this editorial is about either. Merde).

Like many a candidate, (and Gary Barlow), I’ll never forget my election campaign. As my rocking chair sends me into a state of rose-tinted reflection, I am soothed by the fact that it was completely worthwhile.

I love editing this fine ship with the rest of the gair rhydd and Quench towers’ posse and am thankful for the campaign memories and experience, which also led to meeting my boyfriend (see, politics can be sexy) and many other great folk too. Still, I can’t help myself from smiling an empathetic smile with the current campaigners while feeling ever so grateful that it isn’t me this time around.

FOUR

THE FIGHT David ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron

Strengths: Bicycle Attack; shapeshifting; illusion of youth; selective memory Weaknesses: Hooded youths with tragic upbringings; is a Tory; selective memory Special Move: The Ghost of Thatcher. Cameron manoeuvres into a Galloway-esque all-fours position and summons the evil spirits. Margaret Thatcher appears in a cloud of dying poor people, literally petrifying opponent into paralysis

Cannabis ‘I’m a drug’ man

vs.

Strengths: Hunger; friends in high places; calmness before a fight Weaknesses: Short attention span means easily distracted from fight Special Move: The Stalemate. Alters perception of world as seen by opponent, spectators and judges

THE VERDICT

The fight begins with some confusion as Cameron refuses to acknowledge his opponent. Once the dope haze clears, memories return of how he once defeated Cannabis – but now it’s back to haunt him. This time it’s political. The bell sounds, and Cameron cheekily spits at Cannabis, before landing an Old Etonian Uppercut.

Cannabis does nothing. Cameron lays heavily into Cannabis, viciously pulverising it with hand gestures, soundbites and some real bites. Cameron, winning on points but clearly fatigued, employs his infamous Bicycle Attack, skidding into his opponent and taunting it for polluting the planet. Cannabis – sufficiently green already – does nothing. Saving the best until last (somewhat reckless in a combat situation), Cameron calls upon The Ghost of Thatcher. Tragically for all involved, he accidentally summons Carol Thatcher. In a desperate attempt to send her/it back to the world of spirits and Z-list celebrities, Cameron tears a hole in the time-space continuum; he uses this to erase all existence of cannabis and therefore win the fight, but, in doing so, unwittingly prevents himself from being born, forcing himself to concede a fight that never took place. Cannabis does nothing.

Huw Davies

THEBLURB@GAIRRHYDD.COM

THE BLURB We all know that cyclists are shit, d n a r e g n i s Lead on but I think they’re m i S n a m w more shit than sho e h T Love of s you think they are

le Loves tackive Quench’s fons big questi

! s i h t r e w Ans What's the best thing you've ever stolen?

I don’t think I’ve ever stolen anything. My conscience is clear.

What's the best lesson you've learnt in life?

Don’t trust anyone. Sad but true.

If you could be anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?

I would be Bob Dylan to see how it would feel or anyone else who is stupidly famous.

Do you have any guilty pleasures?

Loads. But at the moment, gravy on everything, including sandwiches.

KEVTHINKSTHINGS

What would your special powers be if you were a super hero?

I think spiderman in the comic books has it all - climbing things, forming webs and fighting baddies.

THEBLURB@GAIRRHYDD.COM

ARE all cyclists complete and utter arse-holes? Probably not, but I'm willing to bet that a good few are.

Recently an 'incident' on Senghenydd Road almost left me with a sizable dent in my rustic Fiesta and a tightly trousered tosser of a cyclist was very nearly sent flying into an early grave.

I didn't used to have a problem with cyclists, in fact, until my bike was stolen I used to be one - helmet and everything. But now that I've graduated onto the road it's clear that cyclists are nothing more than an urban pest.

I've lost count of the number times that I've had to swerve, break and blast my horn at lard-arse cyclists who seems to think because their riding a bike they can jump red lights, weave through cars or, for some god awful reason, ride in the middle of the road.

As many of you will know, learning to drive is one gigantic pain in the arse. Not only do you have to go through the nightmare that is passing your test(s), you have to fork out for insurance, petrol and, if your car is a crappy Fiesta, countless smelly magic trees because your roof leaks and your car smells as fusty as an un washed O.A.P - at least nobody uses me for lifts anymore.

Every year I spend hundreds on road tax while these wholegrain munching muppets get away scot free on almost everything. Not only do they not pay tax, insurance or have damp problems, but they’re not even required to hold a license let alone any kind of formal training before they unleash their twowheeled terror on our roads.

You can call me a car driving, environment hating snob if you wish, but with the amount of hard earned cash drivers like me are putting into the economy each year, I have a right to an opinion: get an engine or get the fuck off the road.

FIVE

DEBATE Feast of the Gods

Chips Ahoy!

Just what is the best way to prepare the humble potato? Here are the opinions: read, then gorge.

The Chip

The Fry

Tasha Prest-Smith

Renyi Lim

S

W

ucculent golden gems filled with good, honest potato. The great British chip is comfort food at its very best.

Steeped in tradition – chippies originated in the UK around the 1850s – and a nice little snack for any time of day (but arguably best around the 3am mark), there is no need to look beyond the ‘fat’ chip.

They are not, of course, the most slimming snack in the world, but compared with French fries, which are basically sticks of fat and salt, British chips have a wider surface area, and absorb much less grease.

hy the fry? Call me mad, call me a slave to mass fast food chains (in terms of where to get the best fries, it’s a tie between McDonald’s and Burger King; wherever there are fewer chavs, I suppose) but French fries are just that little bit more delicious.

In contrast to the multiple toppings needed to make chips appetising (gravy and chips, curry and chips, cheese and onion and chips…), the most a packet of crispy, golden fries needs is a dash of salt and a dollop of ketchup – a testament to their tastiness. Unlike chips, they hardly ever go soggy; you’re far less likely to open up whichever receptacle containing your 2 a.m. snack to find that in ly ial erc French fries, produced comm ninety percent of what’s inside now resembles a mass mollusc genocide, which is what seems to happen whenever I buy a carton of chips. the sweat pits of Burger King Moreover, you have to wait ages for a chip to cool down before you sink your teeth into it, or risk getting first-degree burns from its hot insides spilling out and One of the great things about fat chips is that you can scorching your tongue – and again, the waiting tends to recreate them at home. For those of you who prefer the make them go all limp and lifeless. None of that torture finer, classier things in life, chunky potato wedges baked takes place when you tuck into your freshly bought fries. in the oven, and served with tomato salsa, guacamole Publicity-wise, the French fry has bypassed the English and sour cream, can be a great starter option, and one chip by entering the world of politics: in 2003, the cafethat is surprisingly healthy. teria menus in the United States’ House of Similarly, most traditional fish and chip shops in Representatives renamed French fries as ‘Freedom Britain, along with pubs, make their own chips from fresh Fries’, keeping this name for a whole five months as a potatoes. In short, there is a taste of authenticity. The form of government payback for France’s criticism of the same really can’t be said for French fries, produced cominvasion of Iraq. The humble chip has not quite yet mercially in the sweat pits of Burger King and the like. emerged as a spokesperson for the Houses of If I haven’t managed to persuade you yet, just think of Parliament. a trip to the coast. Traditional chippies originated in Finally, during my research for this debate, I discovered British seaside towns. The idea of French fries eaten in such places equates to blasphemy.

Fat chips don’t have to be bought The humble chip has not yet em from some dingy back alley, nor do they erged as a necessarily have to be a takeaway snack food only. Fish ‘n’ Fritz (my personal favourite) in Weymouth spokesperson for the Houses of Parlaiment town centre is a fish and chip restaurant favoured by families and celebrities alike, and has a sparkling reputation, having that someone sold what they claimed was the ‘world’s received a prize for the Best Fish and Chip Shop in the longest fry’ for over $200 on eBay. If someone actually South West of the UK. Harry Ramsden’s is the UK’s bestpaid that much for a single shoestring potato, I say the known fish and chip restaurant chain; the interiors and French fry officially wins hands down. And it didn’t even menus are becoming increasingly sophisticated. So no have to have the face of Jesus on it. matter how you like your British chips, one characteristic is undisputed: their greatness.

SIX

DEBATE@GAIRRHYDD.COM

GRACE

Mal Fresco

B

Grace de Ville

arbeques. There's something wrong about them that I just can't pinpoint. For some reason, the smell of burning charcoal attracts twattish people like swarms of wasps around a molten Calippo. The barbeque season has officially kicked off – you heard it HERE first.

Only yesterday I passed some brave fools huddled around a small disposable foil grill in a vain attempt to stop their extremities from turning blue. The unmistakable scent of inferior meat coupled with the piercing screams of a thousand Daddy Long Legs drowning in a vat of potato salad have heralded the return of The Outdoor Gathering and it’s not going to stop until we’ve got coleslaw oozing out of our grass burns.

During the next few months, we’re all going to get invited to a hell of a lot of garden parties. I’m not complaining. It’s always nice to fill one’s social calendar, but the advent of summer has its drawbacks. Women who are usually more reserved than Mary Whitehouse suddenly sport the itsyiest, bitsyest of bikinis because IT”S SUMMER and they just might catch a tan through the one metrewide break in the clouds. I’m probably the only person who thinks this is a bad thing. And there’s the perennial barbeque ghetto blaster blurting out Buffalo Soldier at eight thousand decibels so all the guests can join in an impromptu sing-a-long and reminisce about those ‘deep’ times in Thailand during their gap year.

Perhaps my own experiences with al fresco dining have rather jaded the whole thing. The last time I had a barbeque, summer was in full swing. I'd spent a considerable amount of time attempting to look half-decent, but by the time the

Why I’d rather go to B&Q than go to a BBQ

guests arrived, I had coal all over my face and meat grease smeared across my chest. I've never managed to look as sexy since. Once the proceedings had been kicked off and I'd handed over grill duty to an unwitting male, I began to loosen up. What could POSSIBLY go wrong with a small outdoor gathering of like-minded people?

“

By the time the guests arrived, I had coal all over my face and meat grease smeared across my chest The first fatal error of the evening was to offer the guests a taste of my Dad's homemade wine. The second error was to drink it. Chateau de Ville is intended to be drunk in moderation, mainly because it's gash. It smells like sherry made from the highly-prized Andalucían vomit grape and if you drink too much of it you'll see your own death played out in the back of one eye socket like an autobiographical snuff film. The aftertaste is evocative of taking a large swig of turpentine from a dusty Toby

GRACEDEVILLE@GAIRRHYDD.COM

Jug lined with quicklime. It’s THE shit. Barbeque food is always vile, and I’m afraid this evening’s culinary offerings were no exception. It’s times like these when I’m thankful for vegetarianism. Anyway, it was all fun and games until someone got horrifically drunk. Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t me. This poor chap had miscalculated the potency of badly cooked sausages and ghastly alcohol and was now paying the price - all over my sofa. I didn’t realise that Homo Sapiens could discharge that amount of bodily waste until that very moment. To cut a long, terrifying story short, the emergency services were involved, which put a dampener on the whole event.

It’s evident that the true moral of the story is not to hang out with my bad self, and/or avoid any alcohol procured by members of my family.

But Britons treat barbeques as a short holiday, and we all know what happens to British people when they’re abroad: they turn into lobsterfaced, lager-swilling sex monsters.

Just because you’re outside doesn’t mean you have to act like a Neanderthal. And nobody wants to listen to Fat Les, alright?

This year I’m going to stay indoors with a cup of tea and a Mills and Boon novel. Or go to a barn dance.

HELLO THERE....

SEVEN

INTERVIEWS

Talking heads Interviews gets the behind the scenes news from Dan Reed’s latest movie, Straightheads, which stars Danny Dyer and Gillian Anderson...

STRAIGHTHEADS: WHAT’S THE PLOT? Straightheads is about two people who have never been involved in crime, have never had to defend themselves against violence, who are unexpectedly victims of a brutal attack and find they can only deal with the psychological and physical damage they experience by actively using violence as a means to solve their pain.

When Alice and Adam make the decision to resort to violence they become entangled in a series of moral conflicts that lead them to places they have never been before.

How would it be if you had to deal with an unprovoked attack? What if one of the ways you dealt with it was to actually resort to violence yourself? What happens then?

When Adam is invited by a beautiful, confident older woman he has just met to accompany her to a lavish party in the country he knows he is going to have the best night of his life.

That night, exhilarated by the sexual chemistry they share, and the

EIGHT

highly charged sex they have just had, Alice and Adam speed away from the party down a wooded and desolate road in Alice’s fast car. In a moment of distraction, their attention fixed on each other rather than the road, a fateful collision occurs which catapults them both into the path of a most vicious and brutal attack, the consequences of which leave them emotionally and physically scarred.

A dark and intensely disturbing thriller, Straightheads exudes moments of eroticism fused with barbaric events that lead Alice and Adam into a spiral of violence for the sake of their own self-preservation.

When the police fail to find their attackers, Alice and Adam take matters into their own hands following a chance encounter with the main perpetrator of the brutality against them, a man known as Heffer.

THE DIRECTOR Dan Reed’s first job in film-making was as Adam (“Power of Nightmares”) Curtis’ researcher on the BAFTA-winning BBC series Pandora’s Box. The documentaries

Dan subsequently directed and produced for BBC and Channel Four alternated between wry social satires - his oft-repeated BBC Modern Times about the John Lewis Partnership (RTS-nominated The Partners) - and unflinching explorations of worlds sinking into violence such as C4’s The Valley (15 awards and nominations including BAFTA) which he filmed over five months as rural Kosovo was engulfed by war.

A theme which has fascinated Dan in his documentary work has been the moments of transition as societies lurch from a defunct order into something new, and the chaos and violence which accompanies the change: in South Africa, Bosnia and Russia in the mid 90s, Kosovo and then Russia again in 2002, for C4s BAFTA-nominated Terror in Moscow about the bloody hijacking of a Moscow musical theatre by Chechen separatists.

Dan has also experimented with docu-drama: Shooters (C4/Sanctuary Digital Entertainment) featured a cast drawn entirely from the Liverpool underworld. It explores, from a gang-member’s perspective, the manner in which gun-crime

INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

INTERVIEWS arrived in our cities. Shooters followed an unsuccessful attempt to make a documentary about the rise of a group of young Russian mobsters, which culminated in the disappearance of all his footage, the assassination of the gang leaders and Dan’s expulsion from Russia.

Straightheads is Dan’s first feature, and was partly inspired by intense fears and anxieties accumulated during a decade of documentary work on violence, but also by a short but very vivid dream which followed his witnessing of an attempted rape in 2001.

CASTING Dan Reed, as both the writer and director of Straightheads, had a very clear picture in his mind of his lead characters Alice, Adam and Heffer.

Gillian Anderson was cast as Alice, a role Reed had visualised her playing from the outset. Reed says, “Gillian was the only actor I could ever really visualise as Alice, she captures so precisely her character’s special mix of power, experience and vulnerability.”

Anderson says, “Sometimes writer director’s can get possessive about their characters but Dan is not like that, he does not make you rigidly follow what he has written, though he is clear about who the characters are. Dan is incredibly confident, and makes the whole process seem effortless, he is generous with his time and talks through things, and is completely open to things changing and shifting for the benefit of the film.”

The role of Adam alongside

INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

Anderson’s Alice was offered to Danny Dyer, an actor who has received numerous plaudits for his lead roles in a number of cool British films. Dyer was cast following a screen test with Anderson in which it was immediately evident the actors had an amazing on-screen rapport, which was vital for the storyline.

Alice and Adam are two complex characters who together experience emotions ranging from euphoria and excitement through to sheer terror, and ultimately the darkest desire for a violent, destructive revenge of a psychological and physical nature.

“

Even when I got to page 100, I still didn’t know where my character was going, which as an actor was exciting and refreshing

Dyer says of having the opportunity of working with Dan Reed, “Dan is a true gentleman, and he makes me want to work hard for him. He knows how to deal with the film technically and also how to get us to know in to our heads who our characters are without being overpowering, he is very calm and relaxed.”

Reed goes on to say, “Danny Dyer is a joy to work with, always sharp, precise, fearless and riveting to watch and really gives it his all on the day. My lead actors are hugely experienced, intuitive professionals who have spent a long time thinking about their characters, both on their

own and in discussion with me and the other cast.”

Anderson comments, “At the beginning Alice starts out as an independent, confident, successful professional woman. She is quite cocky and provocative, until a traumatic event stops her life in its tracks.

She then becomes vulnerable, not quite sure of who she is and where she fits in the world. Then she finds an opportunity where she thinks she can right that situation, give herself peace of mind by following through with an act that takes over her life, and driven towards that end, she shows the effect traumatic events can have on human beings. You can become somebody you are not necessarily.”

Of Reed’s script, Dyer says “It started out appearing to be romantic, love at first sight, these two characters that just instantly click and have this amazing night and are going to start a life together and then it abruptly turns into a different film. Even when I got to page 100, I still didn’t know where my character was going, which as an actor was exciting and refreshing.”

Anthony Calf completes the lead cast as the main perpetrator of the violent crime against Alice and Adam, Heffer, a man described by Reed as “A family man, with matinee idol good looks and a cut glass accent, gone disgustingly, viciously wrong. To see Anthony go to the dark side and be consumed by this part was like watching someone you know well submit himself to a weird selfmutilation ceremony on your behalf.”

Straightheads will be in cinemas from April 20

NINE

INTERVIEWS

the lowdown

with Amira and Nicky The latest celebrity updates...

Courtney’s got love for Ray

Courtney Love has reportedly set her sights on a new man and is determined to ensnare 18-year-old Ray Quinn, runner up of this year’s X-factor. Young Ray eventually lost out to female songstress Leona Lewis. However, now that Ray has recorded his debut album and in the style of runners up think Gareth Gates and Jordan - he has been chased by Courtney.

Kelis arrested and charged Singer Kelis was arrested early Friday morning in Miami Beach after screaming racial obscenities at two female police officers who were posing as prostitutes.The officers were working an undercover operation in South Beach, when cops say Kelis started screaming racial slurs at the women. She continued screaming and rushed toward them, and had to be restrained by friends, a police report said. According to the repgort, Kelis’ “actions caused people walking by to stop and form a crowd. The sidewalk was blocked by the disturbance, causing people to walk in the street and causing traffic to stop.” Kelis, the wife of rapper Nas, was charged with two misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and for resisting arrest.

Hormonal stallone Sylvester Stallone faces stiff fines after trying to bring vials of a muscle-building hormone into Australia, where it is restricted. Stallone and his entourage were stopped at the airport in Sydney and kept for several hours as he arrived for a promotional visit, while customs officials searched bags and confiscated items. His hotel room was searched and more items confiscated three days later. is a fine of $86,000 and five years in prison. Stallone is unlikely to face the maximum penalty.

Famous for 5 minutes Interviews ask: what really goes on in the alcohol-warped minds of the average Cardiff student? Armed with clipboard and camera we roamed the Taf only to uncover second year Pharmacology student, Emily Bishop...

What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up this morning?

Um, I think it was whether to go to a tutorial or not. I decided not to!

No, make that a taxi!

What was the first record you bought?

It was The Offspring, Pretty Fly For A White Guy.

When was the last time you logged into facebook?

Midday today.

When was your last embarrasing moment?

Today actually. I tripped up the steps on the way to the Taff. I’m quite accident prone..

on my housemate Emilie to see what she gets up to.

If you could have any superpower what would it be?

To be invisible. I think I’d probably spy

Who was the last person you kissed?

My boyfriend Joe.

If you were given a million pounds right now what is the first thing you’d do?

I’d buy a drink and then get on the train to see my boyfriend in London.

TEN

INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

INTERVIEWS

11 quick quotes Want a few words of wisdom? Interviews give you some celebrity quotes to, erm, inspire...

“I was kind of excited about going to jail the first time and I learnt some great dialogue.”

Quentin Tarantino

“With all the lunges, squats and leg presses, I've gained an inch of muscle in my butt.”

Eva Longoria

“I look back five years ago, when I thought I was adult and knew everything about the world, and I realise I knew nothing.”

Neve Campbell

“Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world.”

Jack Nicholson

“If I didn't have my films as an outlet for all the different sides of me, I would probably be locked up.”

Angelina Jolie

“Music is something I'm serious about - I've really worked hard on my album.”

Paris Hilton “I think it is OK to sleep with strippers, it is a choice. It's a good thing that I got that sort of thing out of my system by now!”

Orlando Bloom “I dress to kill, but tastefully.”

Freddie Mercury

“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.” whatever you say, Alicia Silverstone

“When people wear shoes that don't fit them, it says something about their soul. Generally, I think it means they are good people.”

Indeed, Billy Bob Thornton

INTERVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

“I can spend hours in a grocery store. I get so excited when I see food, I go crazy. I spend hours arranging my baskets so that everything fits in and nothing gets squashed. I'm really anal about it, actually.”

Cameron Diaz

ELEVEN

FASHION

Confessions of a jean junkie Amy Harrison attempts to kick the habit and goes cold turkey for a week devoid of denim

L

ast month, I noticed my jeans were filthy and baggy, so I decided to give them a well deserved wash, and while they were washing I decided to see if I could give up my beloved denim for a whole week. So perhaps it wasn’t the greatest challenge known to the human race, but believe me it was bloody hard.

Jeans offer so much versatility: skinny-fit, boot-cut, low rise, high rise, boy-fit and flared… I could go on. But not only are the styles incredibly varied but the colours are too. Both guys and girls can dress them up, or dress them down. But perhaps the most important reason why jeans are so central to my wardrobe is the all important fact:

THEY GO WITH EVERYTHING. When you’re tired, hung over and scrambling to get to a seminar, jeans are just what you need. When you decide on a spontaneous outing to the pub, jeans can be thrown on in an instant. Ultimately jeans are convenient.

It seems to me, that with denim, you just can’t go too far wrong. Over the years I’ve tried other types of trousers and looking back these alternatives proved to be horrific.

Remember when Burberry tartan trousers were the height of cool?

Well they may have only been fashion must-haves for a week or so but I had to have a pair and, tragically, I wore them long after the trend died.

I know you can get it wrong with

jeans. I admit to once owning a lime green pair, but in my defence I was only eleven.

Before I began my week without jeans I raided my wardrobe to weigh up my alternatives: skirts, combats, dresses, smart trousers, leggings, trakkie bottoms, pyjama bottoms.

With so many alternatives to jeans I thought to myself that this might be easier than I first thought.

As soon as I donned my skirt on the first day of this experiment I noticed a massive flaw. My new outfit made me look very, very smart.

But this wasn’t my concern. In this notably smarter attire I couldn’t then go out with scruffy hair, chipped nail varnish and no make up. My whole appearance now required effort. I

The Jeans Detox Diary Monday Day - green corduroy skirt Night - green babydoll dress Tuesday Emergency outfit pink combats Wednesday Day - black and white check

TWELVE

trousers Night – black t-shirt dress Thursday Day - 3/4 length black trousers Friday Day - khaki combats Night - Little Black Dress

Saturday Day - pyjama bottoms / black and white kilt Night - patterned dress Sunday Black leggings Monday Jeans jeans jeans jeans

FASHION@GAIRRHYDD.COM

FASHION knew then that for the rest of the week I was going to have to wake up earlier than usual to do my hair and face.

A lot of the outfits I clobbered together over the week had the tendency to make me look smart.

Everywhere I went and everyone I bumped into commented on my appearance, then asked ‘Have you got an interview?’

Friends laughed in my face telling me that I wouldn’t be able to survive without my trusty jeans. And when a lot of people said that they wouldn’t actually be able to give jeans up themselves this reassured me that I wasn’t the only jean junkie out there.

When jeans are banned from your life you really begin to notice just how many people wear them.

Walking around Cathays was like one of those nightmares where you are surrounded by the objects that scare you the most. Everywhere I went I was being taunted by jeans.

Before I began the week I established an emergency outfit, combats and a t-shirt. But I didn’t expect to

have to use it on my second day. It was a needs-musts situation when I woke up late for a seminar. In my combats I felt more at ease in studentville than I did in my other alternatives. In combats no one said to me ‘Ooo you look smart?’

Probably one of the hardest things I came up against was on the Saturday afternoon. I had spent the day in pyjama bottoms until I needed to pop out for a loaf of bread.

“

Friends laughed in my face telling me that I wouldn’t be able to survive without jeans I couldn’t make the two minute journey in pyjamas, and because I refuse to be seen in trakkie bottoms unless I’m in the gym, they weren’t an option either. So, I threw on a skirt and jumper, brushed my hair and slapped on a bit of make up purely for the five minute round trip

to the shop at the end of my street.

Dressing sans jeans for nights out was far easier than I had expected.

Jeans and a nice top are generally the order of things on a night out.

But this week banned from jeans I turned to the vast numbers of dresses that fill my wardrobe. Even those impromptu visits to the pub were attended by me in a dress. Yes, I did look a little over dressed at times as I sat amongst the jean-clad masses.

Going a week without jeans was not the easiest challenge I’ve ever had to face. I was sick of being told I looked smart by the end of the week. Stereotypically students are supposed to dress scruffily in jeans, and because we are students we can. I did it for a week very successfully, but I won’t be doing anything drastic like throwing out all of my jeans.

In our student bubble living each day in a pair of jeans is perfectly acceptable. I still have a few months left as a student, and for those few months I will definitely be making the most of my jeans.

ans As an alternative to je ends... m m o c c re k s e D Fashion

JEAN-IUS ALTERNATIVES: Babydoll dresses, leggings and shorts

FASHION@GAIRRHYDD.COM

THIRTEEN

FOOD

Food miles F

ood miles and food provenance are the new buzzing words for 2007. For those unversed in the terminology, food miles simply means how far your food has travelled to your plate and its provenance is where and who has produced it: both of which are of increasing importance to the socially and environmentally aware shopper.

The way we shop for our food not only affects our taste buds but can contribute to pollution such as carbon emissions and global warming.

The statistics are worrying. Food and agriculture consist of 30% of the goods transported on our roads.

Scarily, even though we live in the lush, green British Isles we import 95% of fruit and 50% of all our vegetables. This was most evident when I visited the indoor market in Cardiff and asked where the leeks were from, they among virtually everything else on the stalls were from overseas.

But we as individuals arguably have a responsibility, to our health and the environment. The average UK adult travels approximately 135 miles a year just for food, that’s 135 miles worth of toxic chemicals being pumped into the atmosphere just getting to the supermarket let alone taking into consideration the distance the food has already travelled getting there.

Many people have chosen organic produce in a battle against pollution and as the healthy option. But realistically is organic helping? Is an organic tomato picked two weeks before it is really ripe so it lasts longer, driven to the airport, flown all the way from Spain, and then driven through the British Isles to be dropped of at the local supermarché

FOURTEEN

Laura Rowe discusses how far our food has travelled as many of us have little idea where it is from and who produced it really better for the environment?

How can that same tomato be better for your health when vegetables start losing their vitamins and minerals as soon as they are picked? And from a selfish broke student point of view, how can that same tomato which cost nearly double what a bog standard tomato costs be worthwhile?

“

Who wants tasteless bland strawberries in the winter on their cereal?

The Soil Association has even recognised this blatant contradiction and are currently consulting on how to address it, considering carbon offsetting, labelling stating the specific food miles travelled or even an outright ban on the air-freighting of organic food.

Who wants tasteless bland strawberries in the winter on their cereal?

You can taste, see and smell when it’s seasonal and when it’s local.

As a loud and proud country bumpkin myself I like the feeling knowing I am supporting local farmers and producers. But, this doesn’t mean ignoring the supermarkets. I think everybody is happy to jump on the supermarket bashing bandwagon. No-one reading this article hasn’t been to the marvel that is the 24 hour Tescos. Lets face it, we couldn’t survive without it. But be a savvy shopper. In many of the supermarkets they have local produced goods, such as sausages or cheeses. For the other bits and bobs try your local veg shop, and don’t be afraid to ask where the food is from.

In Cardiff we are very lucky as we have a weekly Farmer’s Market, the Riverside Real Food Market, on a Sunday at the Fitzhamon Embankment between 10am and

FOOD@GAIRRHYDD.COM

FOOD 2pm by the Millennium Stadium.

Here they sell fresh Welsh and organic produce, from local producers. Their motto is ‘fresh food at good prices for locals’, how can you go wrong with that. Cardiff indoor market is also brilliant for meats and cheeses.

My favourite was the cheese stall, where 70% were locally produced.

The delicious ‘Welsh Harlech’ was wonderfully creamy and had a tangy mustard flavour, and ‘Perl-wen’ which was an organic soft cheese, similar in appearance to Brie, smelt like stinky Bishop, but the taste was strong and just divine. There are also loads of Butchers, like J. T. Morgan who provides free range chickens from St. Lythans farm, salt marsh lamb (which is a real undervalued welsh speciality) and a Welsh black pudding, among lots of other local meats. For something a bit different K. Blackmore and Sons in the market also provides Venison from Chepstow, Beef and Veal from Glamorgan as well as

guinea fowl and rabbit.

But as I said when eating locally the realistic factor, which can be considered good or bad, is that you will have to eat seasonally. A really good website, if you are unsure about what is in season when is http://eattheseasons.co.uk. At the moment purple sprouting broccoli, leeks, cauliflower, celeriac, chicory, spring onions and rhubarb are all in season. But remember its not only fruit and veg that have seasons.

Meat and seafood also have seasons. Fish is obviously a lot harder to buy locally but your main concern should be that you are buying a fish that is caught from sustainable waters. In the Cardiff indoor market there is a chart. But wherever you buy, even in the supermarkets don’t be afraid to ask. Again at the moment John Dory, salmon, lemon sole, cod, hake, mussels and cockles are all in season.

But of course the way we treat the environment and what food to choose is a complex issue. A tomato being grown in the UK in December is going to need an immense amount of heat and energy to grow compared to Spain.

Government studies also show that on average organic farming requires 15% less energy to produce the same amount as non-organic food.

So what is the right choice? For me I will always choose local produce over organic any day. I take pride in knowing that the vegetables and the meat I eat is grown close to where I live, breathing in the same air and seeing the same sky. This often means eating seasonally, which for me means that the fruit and vegetables taste better.

Stir-fried sprouting broccoli with Welsh pork from the market 1. Grab your wok, or a large frying pan, from the back of your cupboard.

2. Wipe off the dust and pour in a dash of a vegetable oil.

3. Whilst the oil is getting hot thinly slice some leeks, grate some root ginger and make sure the sprouting broccoli is in largish bite-size pieces.

4.Get a nice pork chop, a bit of fat is quite nice (that’s my personal preference but obviously choose a more lean cut or just trim the fat if you prefer), and slice into bite-size pieces.

5. When the oil is hot chuck in the ginger, leeks and the pork.

Toss around with a wooden spoon, but be careful of it splattering you.

6. Drizzle in some honey and a splash of soy sauce. After a few minutes add the broccoli, as it doesn’t need much cooking.

7. Just before serving add a few drops of sesame oil and sprinkle over some sesame seeds. Serve on its own or with egg noodles.

Beautiful and ethical!

FOOD@GAIRRHYDD.COM

FIFTEEN

FEATURES

H T N I S B A ...Myths, Lies and

I

nfamous for its green colour, but sometimes white, absinthe is a spirit with a history like no other; when made properly absinthe is a refreshing and complex drink.

Absinthe is made using a similar method to gin, by distilling pure alcohol which has had certain herbs soaked in it.

The main three herbs used in absinthe are wormwood, fennel and green anise, which is the dominant flavour. Those who dislike anise are unlikely to enjoy absinthe.

In the bottle, good absinthe generally has an alcohol level of 55 to 72%, although it is diluted before consumption. The added water causes the absinthe to ‘louche’, a French term meaning to become cloudy.

Fixing yourself a drink

The preparation of a glass of absinthe is a sensual experience.

Pour a measure of absinthe into a glass, then, if desired, place a sugar cube onto a special spoon with slots or holes and balance this on the rim of the glass, over the liquid.

Drip iced water slowly onto the sugar, which will dissolve and trickle into the glass, mixing with the absinthe. Milky white clouds will billow in the liquid, and a beautiful aroma fill the air.

Add three to six parts water

SIXTEEN

depending on the original alcohol concentration and stir the mixture gently. The absinthe is ready to drink.

History

Wormwood has been used for thousands of years as an ingredient in herbal remedies, but a particular medicinal tonic created in Switzerland in the late 1700s using wormwood evolved into the drink known as absinthe.

In 1797 a small company called Pernod started commercial production. Absinthe thrived, spreading into neighbouring countries. Its popularity in France rose sharply in 1860 when a large proportion of the grapevines were destroyed by a plague of insects accidentally introduced from North America.

The shortage of wine drove people to find alternative sources of alcohol. Absinthe became the drink of choice for many throughout society; popular with workmen, artists and gentlemen alike.

Years later, having re-grown their vines, the winemakers found themselves without much of a market, the people having developed a taste for the green fairy.

Naturally, they were slightly pissed off. On top of that, the French had been exposed to cheap, strong alco-

hol for the first time: The result was similar to England during the 1700s when gin was untaxed and six times the volume being made as beer.

Alcoholism on this scale had never been seen before in France. By 1910, almost 40 million litres of absinthe were being drunk in France.

The winemakers joined religious prohibitionists proclaiming absinthe to be an evil drink. Dr Valentin Magnan, a specialist on excessive drinking, published a study attempting to distinguish between the supposed effects of absinthe (including seizures and insanity) and those of normal alcohol addiction.

In one of his experiments a guinea pig forced to breathe in essential oils extracted from wormwood, with a control guinea-pig inhaling alcohol fumes. The guinea pig exposed to the wormwood oil had seizures, and presumably the other only got drunk.

Raw wormwood oil is known to contain a toxic chemical which in high amounts can cause kidney failure and the seizures seen in Magnan’s guinea pig, so the results of the study are not much of a shock. Authentic absinthe does not even contain much of this chemical, called thujone, as it is left behind in the still during the process of distilling absinthe.

There was a lot of confusion in France about Magnan’s study, as the French word for both the plant called wormwood and the drink is ‘absinthe.’; the people calling for the drink to be banned now had a scientific study they could quote.

In 1905, a Swiss farmer shot his wife and child. The absinthe he had been drinking in the morning was blamed, not the litres of wine, glasses of cognac, and crème de menthe

FEATURES@GAIRRHYDD.COM

HE..

the truth by Andrew White he had been drinking during the rest of the day.

Absinthe was banned by public vote in Switzerland two years later, and prohibition followed in many other countries around the world.

Absinthe was finally banned in France just before the onset of the First World War.

Renaissance

Around ten years ago—having discovered that the drink was never banned in the UK—an entrepreneur started to import something approaching undrinkable called ‘absinth’ (with no ‘e’) from the Czech Republic. With marketing playing on the mysterious reputation of absinthe, and a made up drinking ritual involving fire which would ruin any absinthe worth drinking, his business was a success.

Interest in absinthe has grown since then, and a number of companies have started to produce their own absinthe; both good and bad, though mainly the latter.

Czech absinthe doesn’t even come close to the real thing—most of them aren’t even distilled and should just be called wormwood vodka. If you’ve had absinthe in a club it was almost certainly one of these.

In recent years, absinthe has been legalised again all across Europe and most parts of the world have followed suit, apart from the US, for some reason.

The good news is that there is quite a selection of quality absinthe out there.

Several distillers around Europe are coming up with some very interesting things. After the ban was lifted in Switzerland, many clandestine distillers came out of the woodwork:

FEATURES@GAIRRHYDD.COM

in one region it turned out people had been secretly distilling absinthe ever since the ban, sharing only with their family and friends.

Apparently there were even code words which could be used in bars to order a glass of absinthe. The absinthe made by the clandestine distillers of the Val de Travers slowly altered in character over the years to reflect changing tastes and in order to avoid detection; the Swiss absinthes of today have a more pronounced anise flavour and are completely clear as the green colour of the past would have risked arousing suspicion.

Interest continues to grow, and the story of the absinthe revival is just beginning: La fée verte is far from dead.

Avoiding bad absinthe

Beware of ‘high thujone’ absinthes and unscrupulous absinthe sellers playing on the myth that absinthe is hallucinogenic.

The price of an absinthe has little do with its quality. If you are unsure of a particular brand, there is a great resource with reviews at www.feeverte.net/guide.

Getting good absinthe

Although there are a number of online retailers specialising in absinthe, sadly just two sell highquality, authentic absinthe: Liqueurs de France who are based in the UK (www.absintheonline.com), and Lion Absinthe Distribution in Germany (www.absinthvertrieb.de/en).

If you are in Paris, visit a shop called Vert d’Absinthe (www.vertdabsinthe.com) — the owner is very nice and will let you taste before you buy.

FEATURES

Review Three of the finest absinthes made today are quite close to those available before the ban. Jade Liqueurs’ Verte Suisse, Nouvelle Orléans and Absinthe Edouard absinthes are even made using stills which came from the original Pernod distillery.

Thanks to Liqueurs de France I was able to taste each of them again, and try them out on some friends less acquainted with absinthe.

The three absinthes came together in a box, in small bottles with elegant, classical labels, and the tops sealed with wax as they would have been 100 years ago.

Absinthe Edouard (72%) A pleasing vivid green colour which turned a cloudy light green when water was added. This is a well balanced absinthe with no intensely idiosyncratic flavours, but nonetheless very enjoyable: this can be considered a classic absinthe.

Nouvelle Orléans (68%) Sweeter tasting (even without sugar), this has a flavour quite like no other absinthe I have tried. The other people to the absinthes were all unanimous to declare this to be their favourite. The colour is a slightly more yellow shade of green than the Edouard, and the louche equally as attractive.

Verte Suisse (65%) I found this to be a more spicy and complex drink than the other two, my favourite of the three. A friend of mine found something not to his taste in the aroma which was not in the other two. Perhaps this is one for the connoisseurs!

Absinthes for the review kindly supplied by Liqueurs de France (www.absintheonline.com).

SEVENTEEN

GAY

Bisexual healing Quench takes a look at the significance of the Bisexual and ponders its validity as a sexuality

A

person, who is sexually attracted to both sexes, is the dictionary definition of the word Bisexual.

However, the connotations attached to the term can often create certain assumptions about a person who defines him or herself as bi. Porn has taught us that bisexual women are nymphomaniac sluts, eager to please both sexes, usually both at the same time. People also often say that bisexuals are ‘lucky’ in a way, but often the prejudices that we experience from both sides of the sexuality spectrum mean that it’s not a simple case of getting twice the action.

Originally on my Gaydar Girls profile my status was set to bisexual, gaining only limited interest from the ladies using the site. 90% of messages I received were from ‘randy’ couples propositioning threesomes in order to satisfy the girlfriends’ curiosity (and 100% of cases, the boyfriend was as ugly as a hatful of arseholes). However, keeping everything else on my profile the same, I changed my status to ‘gay’.

Instantly I received several mes-

sages from lesbians wanting to chat with me, suggesting that previously I was skimmed over as irrelevant due to the label ‘bisexual’ at the top of my profile.

I hate feeling like I have to tactically break the fact that I’m bisexual to a girl I’m talking to like its bad news or something. Or in one of my more self-conscious moments, feeling as if I don’t have as much right to be in a gay club as everyone else.

Obviously it would be wrong of me to assume all gay people are presumptuous of bisexuals, many have no problem, but I do seem to get the vibe in other cases of ‘sleeping with the enemy’ and I’ve been told I was ‘sexually greedy’ (when in fact I’m bloody starving!).

Perhaps the growing trend of straight girls drunkenly pulling each other in front of lads in order to gain attention is to blame. If these girls are willing to go to these lengths to get people to look at them then fine, but just don’t lump me in with these attention-seeking hussies!

I think maybe the deterrent for some lesbians (not all) in going out with a bisexual is that they think that

they might not take a gay relationship as seriously, possibly sleep with men behind their backs or even run off with one. But people in monosexual relationships can cheat and break up with their partners too and it’s not a trait exclusive to bisexual people. We can fall in love just like everyone else and are not incapable of being in a committed relationship.

So next time you disregard someone on the basis of being bisexual, maybe stop and judge them on their individual personality not just preconceptions that come with a label.

“Everyone has to fit into a parti cular demographic or box, and the simple truth is that

we want people who fits neatly into one Dafydd Jones

category or the other” Bi-Celebs: Like a bit of both

EIGHTEEN

GAY@GAIRRHYDD.COM

GAY

Queer-ing Politics: Reclaiming Bi and the Transgender in Cardiff, which provides an alternative to the mainstream hetero venues. We have gay radio stations in response to the hetero music.

We even have celebratory gay festivals where we are encouraged to be out and proud. What about the bi or trans – where do these fit in?

Quite simply, the shocking reality is, they don’t.

A

re the voices of the lesbian, the gay, the bisexual and the transgender being heard?

The official website of the LGBT history month lays down its manifesto, an “opportunity for all of us to learn more about the histories of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in Britain and Northern Ireland.” It involves “claiming our history, celebrating our present, creating our future!” It all sounds good, doesn’t it? Sadly, we are not convinced that this is entirely true.

Indeed, culture may now be seen to be working in favour of the gay or lesbian. We have a ‘gay scene’

“

The bisexual and the trans simply don’t adhere to the way we like to think about sex “Bisexuals are in denial”, “they are just kidding themselves”, “they are gays in disguise” – so back in the closet they are edging on Narnia. And transsexuals, well, they are just too weird to even think about, it opens up a whole new can of worms. We cannot merely back away from these problems. Gays were once marginalized in much the same way years back, yet why do

we keep on hearing about how the bi and the trans cannot accept who they actually are, more often or not a “confused gay man?” It is because we cannot accept anything that goes beyond the neat little homo/hetero checkboxes.

We can no longer stick to these homo/hetero categories, we must actively embrace the politics of queer. It makes no sense to use the broadened terms of gay / straight: there will always be people who don’t fit into these categories.

The entire way we think about sex is constructed by the culture in which we live. The bisexual and the trans simply don’t adhere to the way we like to think about sex. And this is liberating, something to be celebrated.

The bi and the trans are generally misunderstood by our culture – they refuse to be categorised. This is something we should be proud of. It is something we can progress with. Queer is a vibrant, exciting and colourful way to open up sexuality. And that’s why, collectively, we are here and we’re queer! So get used to it.

BIPHOBIC MYTHS

Bisexual women are giving in to patriarchy Bisexual people can choose to be straight Bisexuals are promiscuous and can't hold down committed monogamous relationships Bisexuals are just denying that they’re gay Bisexuality is just a trend GAY@GAIRRHYDD.COM

NINETEEN

TRAVEL

Traveller’s Question Time Are you like Bilbo Baggins who defies all odds and makes it to his journey’s end? Or more of a character from Deliverance, who meets rednecks, squeals like a pig before finally being raped and/or killed?

Find out with our quiz...

About you...

1) My ideal night is... a) ...at home, with Gran, watching her collection of CRUFTS repeats. b) ...throwing up your kebab into a gutter in a city you’ve never been to, with people you’ve never met, in clothes you don’t own. c) ...a quiet drink out with your chums, maybe partaking in a meal together, and generally socialising. d) ...masturbating vigorously.

2) This week, I have mostly... a) ...been Tarts. b) ...been c) ...been d) ...been

b) ...use rohypnol. c) ...start up polite conversation, find your common interests and offer to buy them a drink. d) ...masturbate vigorously.

6) My favourite hobby is... a) ...scrabble with Granny. But not after 6pm. And not before tea time. b) ...stealing girls underwear. While they’re still wearing it. c) ...something creative, engaging and social. d) ...masturbating vigorously.

eating Raspberry Pop-

7) I Iike to read...

eating Prozac. wearing a thong. masturbating vigorously.

a) ...the children’s illustrated Bible.

I actually prefer it when Gran reads it to me, with the voices. b) ...but I’m having trouble focusing. c) ...Quench. d) ...Winnie-the-Pooh. Whilst masturbating vigorously over the one with the poohsticks. Ha ha poohsticks.

3) I like to drink... a) ...Bovril. b) ...snakebite and black with a double shot of vodka, and a yard of absinthe as a chaser. c) ...a pint of the cheap stuff, please. d) ...whilst masturbating vigorously.

8) When I grow up, I want to... a) ...follow in my Father’s footsteps and become the best accountant in the South West, four years running. b) ...get two unemployable identities so I can claim double the benefits. c) ...do something creative, engaging and social. d) ...masturbate vigorously.

9) My earliest childhood memory is... a) ...being wrapped up in my blanky. b) ...yesterday. c) ...my first day at playschool. d) ...masturbating vigorously.

10) My favourite music is... a) ...Frank Sinatra. He’s so dreamy. b) ...acid gabba. c) ...Keane. That song with the piano in is amazing. d) ...anything with a steady rhythm.

Granny: Old

4) The first thing I do when I wake up is... a) ...clean behind my ears and brush my teeth. b) ...pour all the dregs into a pint glass and down it, before snorting a line of crushed up Fisherman’s Friend mixed with Ketamine. c) ...press snooze. d) ...masturbate vigorously.

5) My best way to chat someone up is to... a) ...gingerly ask mum to ring their mum and ask them for me.

TWENTY

TRAVEL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

TRAVEL What would you do?

1) You’re walking through the middle of Bangkok alone at night. A small squat man with a hunch approaches you and says in broken English “Fifty baht, I show you good time”. He has a dead chicken in his hand, and his breath smells slightly of stale coffee. Do you... a) ...cry. b) ...shout “Fifty baht mate, you fucking joking”, headbutt him and steal his chicken. And down another Carling. c) ...smile, and politely decline using the little Thai you know. d) ...give him 100 baht for the chicken, take it back to your hostel room and bash out a sly one over it.

2) You contract H5N1 from the chicken. You react by... a) ...crying. b) ...eating the chicken and washing it down with another Carling. c) ...heading straight to the hospital and hope that because you have good travel insurance you’ll will be fine. d) ...use your last few precious hours on earth to masturbate vigorously.

3) You have the choice of either waiting 30 minutes for a hot, sweaty packed bus to turn up and take you to your destination cheaply or forking out for an expensive air conditioned taxi. You decide to... a) ...take the taxi and be on the safe side. b) ...do neither and hijack an elephant using a fieldmouse. c) ...take the bus, it will save you money and will be a more cultured experience. c) ...take the bus. It will be hot on the bus so you can take off your trousers.

There will also be lots of beautiful people crammed together on this bus. You

TRAVEL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

will masturbate vigorously.

4) The bus breaks down so you... a) ...insist that your Taxi driver pulls over so you can get out and offer to pay for all the people stuck on the broken down bus to take taxis to their destinations. b) ...trample all the passengers of the broken down bus with your elephant then give it another Carling. c) ...wait patiently, test out your language skills by making conversation with your fellow passengers. d) ...choke the chicken.

5) You’ve had your fun in Thailand.

It’s time to move on. You’re now in sunny Australia. After chatting to some people on the plane, you are invited back to their house. You... a) ...spend the evening with their Gran watching Crufts. b) ...use the dead chicken to attack their Gran; that LSD you took earlier has convinced you that she is a velociraptor c)...spend the night telling stories and learning about his /her family and culture d) ...ask which way it is to the bathroom 5) They cook you a meal. It’s a delicious chicken done on the barbecue. You compliment them by... a) ...thanking them profusely, telling them it was the best meal you’ve ever tasted and (with a bitter lump in your throat) that it was better than your own Gran’s cooking. b) ...throw it up all over them after a few beers later on. c) ...offer to do the washing up. d) ...showing them your massive erection bought on by watching the chicken slowly cook.

6) You’re looking for a good place to eat.

You...

a) ...avoid eating at all costs to prevent getting ill and end up starving to death. b) ...walk into the dodgiest looking place and ask for the hot chilli spider. If they don’t have it you throw your empty can of Carling at the chef. Then down another. c) ...go somewhere reasonably priced and authentic. d)...masturbate vigorously.

7) You witness an awful road accident: so... a) ...you panic and phone your Gran. b) ...you take another swig of Carling, laugh and drive on. c)...call the emergency services and assist anyway possible. d)...another one for the bank. Every cloud.

Turn over to find out how you did...

TWENTYONE

TRAVEL

How’d you get on?

Mostly As...

You can’t go travelling, as you will never get away from home (or Gran). And you really need to get away from home.

You’re predicament is painful.

Top Tip:

When the old bird goes, use the inheritance money to fly from the nest - you won’t regret it.

Mostly Bs...

You’re a lairy bastard.

Top Tip:

Stay at home. Buy a kitten. Don’t drown it. Think calming thoughts and feel good.

Mostly Cs...

Surprise surprise, Travel thinks you’re the ideal candidate to promote our fine country overseas. Get on and book your trip now.

Top Tip:

Collect as many copies of Quench as possible and take them on your journeys - they will prove useful as conversation pieces/intellectual stimulation/bog paper.

Mostly D’s...

We’re hoping no one’s going to seriously read this. But, on the off chance that there is an incredibly deranged sexual psychopath wandering the streets of Cardiff, please keep it to yourself.

Top Tip:

Get in touch with the Student Support Centre for some counselling. Or alternatively, Blind Date is always on the look out for some casual fun.

TWENTYTWO

TRAVEL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

REVIEWS

IN REVIEWS THIS WEEK The Point

Aim Wednesday March 7th

I

t was a long time coming, but the tour of Aim’s new LP, Flight 602, saw the trip-hop guru’s first Cardiff date in four years and surley one of the City’s finest shows in 2007.

The crisp acoustics of The Point are ideal for housing a band the size Andy Turner brought along to bring his music to life. But before Aim’s nine musical warriors take to the stage, it’s up to MC Quazi to get the point bopping, as he lays funfilled impromptu rhymes over a funky DJ set. His high energy and cheeky attitude fills the venue and soon the anticipation is bouncing off the walls like Robbie Williams in a pharmacy.

And before the excitement becomes too much to bear, Aim and his band filter onstage. As the kick drum connects to open the set, my reflex reaction is to check my ears and nose for blood. Just as I give myself the all clear, the rich tones of the band slide among the frankly phenomenal drum sound.

The talented songstress Niko steps to the edge of the stage and establishes herself as the band’s front. Those familiar with the new record will know Niko as the female

PHOTOs: Jameson Kergozou

! Tunes of Finland ! Amy Winehouse and that hair ! Reviews, previews " Getting outside !" " Loads of great digital stuff ! and all sorts !" " The cast of a proper good film talk to Film Computer sex !"

Review of the week vocal that weaves in and out of most of the tracks. The second song of the night is one of her own from her forthcoming album, which will be released on Aim’s own label Atic later in the year. Although having more of a Rock vibe than the rest of the set, Aim’s influence is still laced all the way through.

In fact, it’s this kind of eclecticism that separates this show from almost any other I’ve been to. The style of each song is twisted

NIKO: Stepping on a porcupine Through the Park are the two new songs that seem to particularly catch the audience’s imagination with their feel-good summer groove.

But it is undoubtedly the classic Cold Water Music that pulls the audience to the stage like ants around a lollipop. The set reaches a monstrous climax with Aim’s resident keys expert slamming out a solo on the blacks and whites.

Although it’s not long until the band is back on the stage to kick out the encore as promised. Quazi joins to share the vocals with Niko before Aim leave the stage for a final time to a frantic applause.

But they could have played all night and don’t think a soul would have left the venue. An hour after the set and the floor was still chock with ecstatic fans moving like they were on hot plates. Aim’s “True Northern Soul”, as Niko puts it, has be my favourite way to sing in the summer.

Mike Richards

ic pulls The classic Cold Water Mus the audience to the stage like ants around a lollipop

QUAZI: big-ass dreads

REVIEWS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

depending on whether the two making up the wind section are playing alto sax, baritone sax, trumpet or flute. The wind instruments come into their element on the new songs, which dominate the set.

Northwest and Walking Home

TWENTYTHREE

The Band Wagon Thought of the week...

from different musical perspectives from the sweet harmonies and dark grooves of We Are Trees to the the much-loved pop of the spectacular Spencer McGarry Season.

It’s my party and I’ll die if I want to

F

ew things in this ugly world give me true pleasure. One thing that does, however, is the feeling of joy as thick, creamy smoke from burning tobacco passes into and then out of my lungs.

Nothing can’t be improved by a cigarette.

But as you all know this pleasure is going to be cruelly stripped from me in a few months by the powers that be and I’ll have to enjoy my nicotine hidden away in my own home like I’m some kind of sadistic leper. But this is a music section and no place at all to whinge about shitty legislation. What my point is then, is the atrocity of the thoughtless destruction of the atmosphere of live gigs. And not just for disease-riddled, wheezing social outcasts like myself. Every one of us at some point is going have to deal with some crazed dope fiend spiralling out of control because he’s had to have his fag in the cold, making his endorphin levels sink like a stone.

I don’t want this and you don’t want this. But we’re stuck with it.

Goddamn I need a burner.

MR

NEWS IN BRIEF: Desert child Brant Bjork will be releasing a limited edition LP called Tres Dias which will be avaliable in either black or yellow vinyl. There seem to be a couple of old tracks on there, but here at Quench we always welcome a bit of Brant.

Legandary Roadie Reuman Frijj finally retireed this week after finding a winning Lotto ticket in a public toilet where he used to live.

Cardiff-based alt rockers the Zizkov Tower (also referred to as the thinking man’s Campesinos) have recently been recording demos in the Cathays Community Centre.

Frontman and primary songwriter Will Truss said “the one about a panda is aewsome...it’s a great track to wank to.”

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

MUSIC

With a record collection on overspill and a passion for live music Future Sounds is Cardiff's new clubnight monthly Thursdays upstairs at Buffalo Bar! Each night showcases three fine, up-and-coming bands that will be future stars of the stage!

Rooted in a city of such cultural diversity our aim is to present bands

FUTURE SOUNDS TOP 5 TRACKS: 1) Magazine - Shot By Both Sides 2) CSS - Lets Make Love And Listen To Death From Above 3) David Bowie - Rebel Rebel 4) The Klaxons - Atlantis To Interzone 5) The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

QUENCH LOVES LOCAL EUGENE FRANCIS JNR/ GETHIN PEARSON Clwb Ifor Bach 2nd March

I

’m not going to lie to you. The prospect of having to leave my cosy abode to face Cardiff’s monsoon weather, in order to see three acts I’d never heard of before, was not an entirely appealing one.

Fortunately, the night’s proceedings proved not to be a perennial washout.

First up was Broken Leaf, or Rhodri Viney, also a member of the Juniors. His lyrical, melancholytinged folk songs were an engaging start to the night. Intricate storytelling, combined with an easy stage presence provoked an enthusiastic response from the small crowd. Things were sufficiently busier by the time Gethin Pearson and the Scenery took to the stage.

A string of catchy, emotion-drenched

RT efforts, driven by a layering of acoustic guitars and violin, made enjoying them hard to resist. If only they sounded a little more original.

Luckily, there were no such feelings of deja vu surrounding Eugene Francis Jnr. and the Juniors. Quite apart from the Thurderbirdsesque outfits, Soviet headgear and penchant for distributing Milkyway Magic Stars, they manage to create an instantly likable sound, and one which leaves musical boundaries in its wake. A band definitely worth getting soaked for. Juliet Chard

Check Out: Xpress

Radio which is now on FM. whooo. Also relisten to your Quench mix tape. God it’s good.

TWENTYFIVE

MUSIC MAXIMO PARK Our Earthly Pleasures Warp

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More senic than Bute

his is a delight awaiting those of you who loved Apply Some Pressure and Graffiti, and have probably already become acquaint-

ed with the forthcoming single Our Velocity from this, their second album.

Our Earthly Pleasures was helped along the way by producer Gil Norton (of Foo Fighters and Pixies.)

As a result the album demonstrates the potential of this talented 5-piece from Newcastle. The tracks flitter between heavy and seductively sinful to the intriguingly melodic.

The sentiment of the album seems to be for people to express

themselves without worrying how other people will judge them. This is particularly evident in Girls Who Play Guitars and Your Urge. The energetic pace and urgency of Russian Literature make it a dramatic but somehow beautiful song. The album combines irresistible vocals and revolutionary rock to create a sense of freedom and release from everyday life. Play it lots and play it loud.

9/10 Gillian Couch

THE BEES Octopus Universal

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You Live, the old My Fair Lady classic, introducing 'Joy' Joseph's Crips English grown voice, and a touch of R’n’B underneath.

The noticeable hit has to be their upcoming release Too Late, Too Late. Quirky, chordy and so damn catchy, although I can’t find much meaning except maybe chundering after too much booze and charlie, which is not cool for people who have a library to look after. But still, a cracking unique song that is bound to be overplayed. The rest of the album is melodic, momentarily tuneful and some darling little piano bridges, but mostly filler to their upcoming single. 7/10 Henry Cann is an album which I would only recommend to deaf people desiring something to scare their neighbours with.

Taking irritatingly repetitive choruses to a whole new level of repetitiveness and irritation, single (yes, single) Robot Man basically consists of repeating “I am the Robot Man” lots and lots of times, over dated psychedelic masturbation which apparently never climaxes.

Similarly,

whilst the album’s finale Caravan could be considered ‘ambitious’, I think it’d be better described as ‘time thief’ and I’d like those 16 minutes back thanks very much.

Although not every track is such an assault on the ears, equally, there’s no real treat here either. Despite an occasional flicker of hope each song could be halved in length and any saving grace is lost amongst an abyss of mediocrity.

3/10 Kyle Ellison

Maximo Park: multi-tasking

MR HUDSON AND THE LIBRARY Tale of Two Cities Universal Ssshhhhh

M

y interest in Mr Hudson and the Library starts with their name. The type of album I'd buy just for the cover because it makes me chuckle, and this isn’t an anticlimax.

Starting with a trip down Broadway with a very modern representation of On the Street Where

THE ALIENS Astonomy for Dogs EMI

Music for dogs

O

h dear. I don’t like being nasty, but I’m afraid the gloves are coming off.

For The Aliens’ Astronomy for Dogs

TWENTYSIX

Sting-a-long songs

rom the Wight Isle that time forgot come The Bees with a release so steeped in sliding guitar and shuffle rhythms that it feels too like the 60s blues revival rerun. Love In the Harbour could just as easily be The Byrds, with foreground swooning harmonies against chugging harmonica.

Previous single Left Foot Stepdown references The Specials’ Ghost Town with its trombone refrains and spooky vocals, but the chorus break is so perfectly mundane that it charms. The Bees are a band that somehow lack the oomph to truly own their influences, varied though they appear. Laid back with a tinge of reggae Listening Man develops into a fresh-sounding love song that would not feel misplaced in your festival attire. The patchwork style of this album is ambitious and not unfriendly. There is brilliant music, no doubt slow burning creativity, but a band identity is struggling to break out. 7/10 Emily Kendrick

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

MUSIC THE NOISETTES What’s the Time Mr Wolf?

Universal Dinner time

T

he Noisettes is in equal measures a fitting and a misleading name. Paradoxical I know.

Fitting in that they possess a musical punch like Mike Tyson, misleading as they are two thirds man.

While we’re on the subject of names how about Bloc Party, Muse and Guillemots? All three have taken the time to express their fondness for this London trio. As the age old saying goes though,

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THE HORRORS Strange House Polydor

Strange face ne glance at the cover of The Horrors’ Strange House would be enough to scare the living shit out of most children. The band’s well-publicised image is dark, gothic and brooding, and for a lack of a better adjective, Munsters-esque.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the music itself is just as terrifying. The eerie

“just because people in other bands like you doesn’t mean you’re good” Front lady Shingai Shoniwa undoubtedly has a powerful set of lungs on her. After the first three tracks she has rocked us, intimidated us and then brought us serenity with the majesty of her voice. The two lads are not without their musical abilities either. On Scratch Your Name the three elements come together with thumping, and jumping results.

Sister Rosetta is reminiscent of a 50s twist with a chorus that would have even got The Fonz in a fluster.

So to a certain extent believe the hype, the Noisettes are good. It’s just this album is not consistently strong enough to make it better than good.

7/10 Ben Jones twist provided by Organ player Rhys Webb gives the band a unique style, while singles Count in Fives and Sheena is a Parasite sound like the soundtrack to a bloody murder.

However, bizarrely enough this makes me want to dance. While Strange House should certainly be appreciated for bringing something new to the table, as an album it appears one-dimensional. Despite trying to branch out with an instrumental track Gil Sleeping, I’m not convinced the vocals weren’t just forgotten as the band touched up their make-up. This was always going to be a case of style over substance.

6/10 Kyle Ellison

The band’s well-publicised image is dark, gothic and brooding, and for lack of a better adjective, Munster-esque The Horrors

ARCADE FIRE Neon Bible Polydor

E

Disco Jesus

agerly awaited to the extent that Quench’s copy was stolen from the office, Arcade Fire’s new album is no anti-climax.

Generally Neon Bible is more mature and measured than its

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

predecessor Funeral.

Please don’t fret, this does not mean that each song doesn’t gracefully propel itself forward, before diving head first through the top window of a multi-storey building. What it does mean is that the violins and organ tease you that bit more and remain controlled until just the right moment, at which point they erupt joyously, accompanied in perfect harmony by an assortment of instruments and Régine Chassagne’s backing vocals; who, incidentally is

WILLY MASON If the Ocean Gets Rough Virgin/EMI

Redrum abortion

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lood being thicker than water, the added drums of brother Sam and eloquent vocals from mother Jemima, this album has an intimate density to drown in.

Folk-wise Mason heralds the youngest generation of rambling yarn spinners whose acoustic debut back in 2004 seemed hopeful. If The Ocean… is comparatively more weathered in sound, vocals reaching for each breath most notably on closer When The Leaves Have Fallen. Mason has documented a journey through this release, growing from familiarity in Gotta Keep Walking, to a more broken and contemplative path of mid point Riptide. At times the arrangements appear laboured, each chord plodding into the next but imbedded in this is a very considered romance.

The harmonies on Simple Town act as a gorgeous midnight serenade enhanced by interwoven strings, wrapped in the warmth of red wine, smoke and mirrors.

Problem is Mason has slightly fallen into the inevitable trap of not really progressing hugely in his second effort, the timeless pitfall of folk musicians However this is a pleasantly gentle, brooding collection of songs won’t have the crowds in unison for Glasto’s mud fest but is more than capable of tucking you in at night.

7/10 Emily Kendrick sounding less and less like Bjork.

My only criticism is that the lyrics at times do not conform to the maturity of the album as a whole.

Instead of the inward personal themes of Funeral, Neon Bible launches an attack out at the world.

Unfortunately some lines such as: “working for the church while my family die” will induce the odd cringe. However, this is only a minor complaint, and is soon forgotten as the violins start to soar again.

9/10 Chris Rogers

TWENTYSEVEN

MUSIC

e live live live live live live live live live live live live live Clwb

Foals Wednesday March 7th

Tuesday March 6th

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Great Hall

Amy Winehouse

my Winehouse is full of contrasts. She has a tiny frame, but huge hair; sings like a diva but talks like a London cabbie; dresses like a lady, but has the tattoos of a frisky sailor. On stage these contrasts are maximised to the full and there’s no doubt that it makes for a cracking show.

Despite the fact she didn’t chat to the audience for a little too long, Winehouse is an entertaining lady: it wasn’t quite clear whether she was drunk or just bad at dancing, but the moves she was pulling were spectacular.

Halfway through the show she paid her dues to some of the weaker

album tracks with a three-song setJP of softer, mildly depressing tracks.

Winehouse admitted that this was not her favourite part of the show, and by the look of the audience, it clearly was not theirs either. After 10 minutes of songs that were not quite moving enough to hold a lighter to, nor rhythmic enough to dance to, she got the show moving again with album-entitled Black to Black. From then on through her set of lively numbers, it was plain sailing for the girl from North London.

She ‘ended’, obviously, with Rehab, leaving the audience wondering how on earth she could top that in the encore. But, of course, our Amy had something up her sleeve.

She sailed through a couple of covers, ending finally with a perfect rendition of the Zuton’s Valerie.

What a girl.Lily Griffiths Barfly

I Was A Cub Scout Thursday March 8th

I

t’s clear from watching I Was A Cub Scout that these guys love what they do. They seemed nervous at first (this was down to tonsillitis it was later revealed) but soon sunk into a semi-conscious state and played passionately.

The organ-y undertones, despite occasionally sounding like something from Catchphrase, gave intriguing depth to the set, which seemed much more aggressive than their recordings. The songs were mostly heavy and enthusiastic; the oftenechoey vocals and raw drumming

TWENTYEIGHT

It had only been about a fortnight since Clwb played host to Foals, then supporting Noisettes, now relegated to the downstairs room it made no difference to their staggering mathematical dance indie hybrid.

From the moment the opening note resonates and from the first hit of the snare it's all flailing limbs on the front line. Foals are simply one hell of a band to dance around stupidly to; even my robot impressions went unnoticed such was the craziness on the battle floor, with the band on ground level concentrating on every note lest one go astray.

Foals are like a grinding mechanical machine, with every part working it’s hardest to do the job to perfection, clunking away but never failing the task at hand. Every cog wants to break loose, with guitarist/singer Yannis struggling to retain control of his guitar, leaving me thinking he'll have someone's eye out with that.

Oh and another thing, the drummer is an absolute computer, programmed with the most complicated dancey snare filled beats that alone would get you on the floor, he never skips a beat, never goes out of time, just hits and hits and hits. By the end of the show the stage had been invaded by a gaggle of screaming girls…Oh, and me too. Will Hitchins along with the instrumentals made for a synthy, melodic, loud and energetic set.

The lighting was minimal with little changes throughout, however this gave he gig an intimate feel and added to the impression that Will and Todd are performing not only for the crowd, but also for themselves.

Towards the end of the show everyone in Barfly had gathered eagerly in front of the stage, obviously impressed and enjoying what was on offer.

This duet clearly demonstrates that they are at the beginning of something big, especially with their forthcoming single I Hate Nightclubs, which went down a treat.

Gillian Couch

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

MUSIC

e live live live live live live live live live live live live liv Solus?

Alexisonfire Wednesday March 7th

W

Friday March 2nd

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Clwb

Kaiser Chiefs

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

“

Arm in the air and finger pointing like a rock n’ roll Stalin Kaiser Chiefs JD Unsigned final Thursday February 22nd

Beaconsfield Galler y

any can be forgiven for disliking the Kaiser Chiefs, who's songs are played over and over again on the radio so that every last note of irritating, annoyingly catchy chart friendly pop-rock gets lodged into your head.

But you know what, they put on a bloody good show. Anticipation was high for this second of two dates – as soon as the lights dimmed an almighty roar from the crowd greeted opening song Saturday Night, swiftly followed by a boisterous performance of debut album favourite, Everyday I Love You Less and Less.

From here on out the crowd were at the mercy of every command singer Ricky Wilson ordered. He even looks like a dictator – leaning above the crowd, arm in the air and finger pointing like a rock n’ roll Stalin.

Tracks from the new album were met with vehemence from an already word perfect crowd, who chanted back title track Angry Mob as though protesting for every cause they believed in. Energy wasn’t spared for encore track and debut single Oh My God, a blatant crowd pleaser that ended the evening in a frenzy of unashamed, good old-fashioned entertainment that I’m not afraid to admit I thoroughly enjoyed. Josie Allchin

JP

Quench ventured all the way to our capital city, London Town, to check out CLOUD ATLAS, a Cardiff student band at JD’s unsigned final ack Daniel's have spent the last few months rooting around universities looking for any half decent unsigned bands and pitting them against each other. The second part of the final came to fruition on this crisp February evening.

First up were The Quartershade from Loughborough, who were to all intents and purposes just loud noises. Quench was a lot more interested in the difference between a 'Tennessee Tea' and something named after a mule. Mmm. Next were the Cardiff contingent Cloud Atlas, who should certainly be applauded for their place in this lovely final.

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ell that was a fun time wasn't it!" proclaimed Comeback Kid at the end of their first track. Alright, if you say so mate.

Enduring gigs like this with 12 year old mentalist kids in ‘He Is Legend’ t-shirts and camouflage shorts is a trying experience to say the least, and pretty much makes me want to cut my own ear off a la Reservoir Dogs.

Except having Michael Madsen mutilate your body parts to Stuck in the Middle With You would probably be much more fun.

Alexisonfire themselves confirmed what I already knew; they're distinctly average for a self-proclaimed, socalled "screamo-emo" band. In reality, they're just another drop in the generic punk ocean.

While songs such as Boiled Frogs come across well live, if not slightly bland and tiresome, Alexisonfire ultimately fail to come up with anything special. 'We Are The Sound'? I fucking hope not.

They meekly ambled onto the stage and engaged the crowd in what can only be described as intellectual student rock.

There were moments of true delight and genuine foot tapping but they never really made it onto truly original ground. Finally were Kagura, who were a clear cut above the rest with their infectious folk tinged Irish poplets, but although seemingly more accomplished than previous bands the songs eventually began to merge into one and other. All in all it was a worthy effort on the part of the event to encourage musical students from far and wide and brought forth a throng of interestingly diverse sounds.

Ultimately, however, it wasn't easy to distinguish the lows from the moments of inspirational explosion.

Quench had a great time and it turns out that the drink named after a mule really hit the spot. But remember kids your friends at Jack urge you to drink responsibly! SJ

TWENTYNINE

MUSIC MR HUDSON AND THE LIBRARY Too Late

BRIGHT EYES Four winds Saddle Creek

Deal Real

A wonderful jaunty slice of summer calypso pop to while away those rainy Cardiff evenings. This is probably what I would write if this song was any good. Unfortunately, the eponymous Mr. Hudson’s voice grates and the whole endeavour sounds very much like it was designed for an advert. Piss weak. 3/10 BM

BONDO DO ROLE Solta O Frango (Release the Chickens) Domino

Part Cheeky Girls, part crunk, superb Brazilian baillefunkmeisters calling you out for a good time with cheesy rap. It’s a good job the lyrics are in Portuguese as you will sing along.

9/10 EK

THE RAPTURE Pieces of the People We Love Vertigo

The title track on The Rapture’s latest album is one of the highlights. An enviably catchy intro heralds the sort of upbeat song that you can dance and sing along to for hours on end.

7/10 TV

20 Baked & bladdered

The FUN way to fill your fortnight...

23

FRIDAY

Whole Lotta Led at The Point Does exactly what it say’s on the Led Zeppelin tin]

27

TUESDAY

Dolly Parton at CIA [It’s sold out but the touts will be lurking...]

THIRTY

The two worst things to come out of American music are Country and Western and Emo. Seemingly set out to reaffirm that two wrongs don’t make a right. This crock of shit is possibly the worst thing to assault my ears in a very long time. Fucking awful. 2/10 BM

RAZORLIGHT I Can’t Stop This Feeling I Got Mercury

‘It’s like biscuits!’ exclaimed Music Ed. Sofie when she held this single aloft. (Admittedly, she was talking about the CD packaging, not the musical content, but it’s worth mentioning.) A classic Razorlight single that sandwiches Johnny ‘Dylan’ Borrell’s charmingly husky vocals between fluttering guitars and a lazy bassline. Bit like a custard cream, really. 7/10 RL

THE STRANGE DEATH OF LIBERAL ENGLAND A Day Another Day Fantasic Plastic

A subtle, melodic introduction leads into a caustic, yet soulful vocal and culminates in a rousing crescendo.

TUESDAY

Comedy Club at CF10 [Sometimes it’s great, sometimes not. Go Go go.]

24

SATURDAY

Metros Why not ha ve bit of old time swea a ting to bloody loud me tal?

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This is a beautiful, progressive track complete with Joshua Tree- esque distorted guitar trickery and layered production. 7/10 LMcN-D

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE QUEEN Green Fields Parlophone

The quality of musicianship on this track is clear from start to finish, but out of the context of the album it struggles to be much more than a ‘nice song’. 7/10 MR

ARCHIE BRONSON OUTFIT Dart for my Sweetheart Domino

Busted. James Blunt. Keith Harris and Orville. I would rather be listening to any of these than Archie’s feeble, nasal attempt at a vocal.

Honestly this single has absolutely nothing going for it - why do people like this get signed in the first place?

2/10 TV

THE HOLLOWAYS Dancefloor TVT

This is a foot-stomping, hand-clapping slice of jaunty indie-pop that makes me long for summer, hate the opposite sex, and hate nightclubs.

8/10 FJ

WEDNESDAY

Forecast at Buffalo [We love anything Forecast named. The band, the promoter...]

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SUNDAY

My Chemical Romance at CIA [right royal bent, bummed and bleeding]

28WEDNESDAY 29THURSDAY Snoop Dogg at CIA [Probabaly the greatest rapper alive. S-N- Double O

The Poppies at Clw b Iford Bach [Welsh speaking Welsh singing funsters]

22

THURSDAY

Howling Bells at The Point [Austrailian Female fronted indie. Bloody Good]

26

MONDAY

Faithless at CIA [spectacular live and fronted by the greatest man of all time. No, Not Jesus.]

30

FRIDAY

The Horrors at Barflfy [apparently not as bad as they look]

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

MUSIC

Finland Ah Finland. Land of alcoholism, cloudberries and suicide. Finland is one of the most inhospitable terrains in Europe and notorious for the high rate of depression that plagues their country. Hardly the most fertile of music environments, one would expect, but delve further, and a veritable plethora of wonderful noisemakers emerges.

HANOI ROCKS

Simply put, Hanoi Rocks are one of the most fantastically overblown bands I have even had to fortune to encounter. Counting members named ‘Nasty Suicide’ and ‘Razzle’ among their alumni, their particular brand of glam punk has been cited as an influence for bands as widespread as Manic Street Preachers and Guns ‘n’ Roses. Currently reformed, and still rocking I thoroughly recommend that you check

Behind the music...

Rob Clark What do you do?

I'm college promotions junior manager at EMI. We do the grass roots bits. When a band gets signed we aim to get them coverage in student press and radio across the UK. Why do you do it?

I'm passionate about music, which goes without saying because when you start in this industry the pay is a joke and most people starting out have to do work experience, which I also believe is a joke. Its

MUSIC@GAIRRHYDD.COM

out their first four albums, available on UZI Suicide Records.

LORDI

Infamous winner of the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest with a record breaking 292 points, Lordi have actually been peddling their ‘monster style’ Hard Rock since 1992. Drawing comparisons with GWAR and KISS due to their image, Lordi have a more sophisticated and ironic approach to their image, releasing songs like ‘Satan is a Loser.’ Well, at least they aren’t Jemini.

THE RASMUS

Yes, The Rasmus. You cannot possibly have evaded listening to that ‘In The Shadows’ song, nor avoided seeing that daft twat with the feathers in his hair. Described by wikipedia as [tending] to provoke extremely rewarding when you see a band or artist rise from obscurity to household names and you can say 'I played a role in that'.

How did you get started?

When I was just 5 years old my Dad used to play me Buddy Holly records and prod me with a knitting needle, well it was actually two knitting needles taped together. He'd prod until I danced, that practice brought about a healthy love for music. Also, I was music editor for my student mag for a couple of years , then freelance for a local regional mag, then got a part time job at a little label (Invicta hi-fi) in Liverpool.

What's coming up that I should know about?

Climate change, temperatures are

strong opinions in people, which is somewhat of an understatement, I feel. Notoriously bottled off the stage at Reading Festival 2004, they bizarrely received an exclusive statue at the ESKA Music Awards in Poland for the category Best World Rock Group.

HIM

If you watch those awful TV programs with that rich idiot Bam Margera in them, you cannot possibly have avoided a HIM song. HIM are Margera’s favourite band and he seems to promote them wherever possible due to them sharing the famous ‘heartagram’ logo.

HIM are possibly the most famous of all the Finnish bands mentioned, but in this humble writer’s opinion, possibly the least deserving.

Ben Marshall rising and if they keep increasing we're all fucked. That and Tiny Dancers, Air Traffic, Laura Marling, Alberta Cross (they're not EMI, so I shouldn't be plugging them! But they're fantastic, if you love your hippy rock and beautiful vocals, check them out) What's the best gig you've ever been to?

Tough question. Radiohead at a couple of Glastonbury's were amazing (I was there in 97), Elbow at Brixton Academy a few years back was incredible and the London Somerset House gigs in July are often special.

One current and one all-time favourite record?

Current - Neon Bible, Arcade Fire.

All time - Led Zeppelin 3

THIRTYONE

BOOKS

The World of Books Asia

Continuing with our look at books from around the world, this week Books takes a peek into the talent from Asia Norwegian Wood Ma Jian The Noodle Maker Vintage a Jian left Beijing for Hong Kong in 1987, shortly before his works were banned in native China where his collection of short stories, Stick Out Your Tongue, was denounced as ‘spiritual pollution’. This instinct for interesting – albeit highly subjective - insights into Chinese culture is continued in subsequent works, such as The Noodle Maker.

During one drunken dinner, a professional propaganda writer bemoans his latest Party commission; he has, instead, an unwritten novel in his head. This is a tapestry of inspired characters, often

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wryly macabre vignettes, interjected with witty criticisms of the Party that permeates every aspect of life.

Though the professional writer will never scribe these stories, Ma Jian weaves them into his, in a sardonic yet sorrowful satire of his homeland.

His writing is characterised by this emotive celebration and condemnation of life, a fusion of humour and humanity.

Rozii Eastoe

Kiran Desai The Inheritance of Loss Hamish Hamilton

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oming from a very literary family, Kiran Desai had a lot to live up to. Her mother, critically-acclaimed Indian author Anita Desai, was short-listed 3 times for the Booker Award.

However, like a true star Kiran rose to the challenge. Her first book Hullabaloo in the Guava Orchard won the Betty Trask award, and her second The Inheritance of Loss, which took 8 years to write, won the Booker prize in 2006. She was the youngest female to ever win the award.

The Inheritance of Loss focuses on very few characters, yet it explores many international issues such as multiculturalism and economic inequality. Despite being set in the mid 1980s there is a definite feeling of post 9/11 attitudes mingled within the larger themes.

Avalyn Beare

THIRTYTWO

Salman Rushdie Midnight’s Children Vintage

S

alman Rushdie is a BritishIndian writer. He first achieved fame with Midnight’s Children, published in 1981, which won the Booker prize, and was later awarded the ‘Booker of Bookers’ prize.

The novel follows the life of Saleem Sinai, born on the very moment of Indian Independence in 1947. The course of Saleem’s life is inextricably linked with the course of the newly forming Indian nation. The novel echoes the trauma the nation suffered in the build up to, and in

Vintage

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quick glance through your local bookshop confirms that Kyoto's finest export, Haruki Murakami, is fast becoming Japan's most broadly translated novelist.

Repeatedly favoured as a Nobel prize candidate, Murakami's illuminating novel writing has won him both the Yomiuri Literary and Franz Kafka Prizes.

Despite his increasingly fervent popularity at the time I had little idea of what to expect from the first Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase, that was pushed into my then reluctant hand. Friends fumbled vainly to explain the novels merit but one thing they were certain was that it was imperative to my well being that I found out. Several more of his books since I find myself talking with the same exasperation when recommending Murakami; the tapestry of alienation and charm, the traditional magic sense of the word that is, strung in A Wild Sheep Chase is delicate and affecting beyond description, a possible testimony of his million strong readership. Fionnuala Coombs reactions to partition. However, it also has much comedy, and magical, mystical elements woven into the story. It is an engrossing and endearing novel, that is said to have been one of the most important novels to come of the English-speaking world in this generation. Emily Khan

RUSHDIE: With new wife; hidden talents?

BOOKS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

BOOKS

C a rd i f f t o C re t e . . . ...a loafing adventure Books gets all over excited when one of our own lecturers publishes a book, and even more so when it is as successfully received as Richard Gwyn’s Deep Hanging Out...

Richard Gwyn Deep Hanging Out Snowbooks Ltd.

T

his novel gives the distinct impression that Richard Gwyn has experienced much Deep Hanging Out, or ‘loafing’ as the protagonist refers to it, and after exploring his extensive biography it is evident why the text throbs with the beautiful imagery and tradition of Crete.

Following the story of Cosmo and his photographer/conspiracy-discovering flatmate Ruben, the book roams around the pre-military activity Mike Parker Neighbours from Hell? English attitudes to the Welsh Y Lolfa

M

ike Parker, co-author of A Rough Guide to Wales and a failed stand-up comic by his own admission, wishes to appeal to the those of us who, having grown up in England, have chosen to move west of the Severn bridge; the ‘In-migrants’.

He strongly pushes the point that the book is not a drawn out apology for being English, but instead an attempt to delve into the stereotypes behind the well established gulf between the two neighbouring nations.

BOOKS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

attached to the Cold War mixed with some of the local ancient culture focused on the myth of the Minotaur.

The deeply lyrical description of the Crete seen only by the locals and dead end travellers portrays the depth and cultural tradition only brushed by the short-term tourists.

The characters are believable and frustrating, pulling the reader into the story, encouraging you to turn the page in hope that the desperately frustrating situations that the friends get involved in will have a happy solution. Inevitably, just as in real life, they don't, but this only makes the book more compelling and exciting.

The conclusion, set among the confusion and anticipation of the running of the bulls in Pamplona, is just as exciting and thrilling as the surroundings.

However within the first few pages it is clear that, in no way is he explaining the English behaviour, he simply assaults them in multiple, reckless unbalanced arguments, more along the lines of a Welsh nationalist than a English bloke gone native. It gives the impression of attempting to be quite a serious book, despite the liberal dosing of cartoons and deliberate avoidance of the Welsh attitude to the English.

Yet this sensationalist, over-adjectived rant is kept quite entertaining by both the tearing down of Welsh clichés and the contemporary references to programmes such as Room 101 and QI. The latter half of the book is a different story, instead to trying to justify the opinion that the Royal Family is racist because William didn’t come to Wales for Uni., it has a look at the Welsh tourist industry and landscape, giving an historical perspective and discussing the English

A fantastically enjoyable read; this book will have all of you out there who have experienced even a moment of Deep Hanging Out wondering when you're next going to have the chance, and whether you're lives will ever be fulfilled without the thrill of adventure that radiates throughout the book. 9/10 Avalyn Beare

MYTH OF THE MINOTAUR: naked romping

THE SEVERN BRIDGE: An unnatural devide

influences on it, (unsurprisingly the English are to blame for all the tainted bits). His description of some of the more spectacular sites does make you wonder why you never venture past Roath.

An unbalanced book that doesn’t examine any positive aspects of the Anglo-Welsh relationship or acknowledge any Welsh liability for its struggle, making a sometimes entertaining read, but not to be taken as seriously as Mike Parker intends it. 3/10 Cat Grogan

THIRTYHREE

ARTS

Love, madness and betrayal CARMEN

Wales Millennium Centre 2 March 2007 beware of the gypsy girls

H

aving never before been to an opera I was unsure what to expect. However, I was pleasantly surprised and Carmen was a treat.

“

It is in these chorus scenes that the conductor switches pace and allows Bizet’s musical score to explode into life Carmen is a passionate opera about a gypsy girl who inspires love.

Carmen is an impulsive and free-spirited girl who shifts her passion from one lover to another with tragic consequences. A soldier called Don Jose falls victim to Carmen’s seductive powers and reciprocating his love she persuades him to leave the army and join her and a band of smugglers. But as they travel Don Jose grows increasingly possessive, trapping her free-spirit with his love.

When Don Jose is forced to return

home to visit his dying mother, Carmen tries to escape and falls into the arms of Bullfighter Escamillo.

This love eventually destroys her. Don Jose returns and fights Escamillo and when Carmen refutes his love, he kills her. This is a passionate tale of love, death and betrayal heightened by a fiery music score that includes epic and rousing songs.

Directors Patrice Caurier and Moshe Leiser create a fine balance between the Bizet’s passionate score and the sinister world of Carmen's drug- smuggling connections. Sara Fulgoni performs well as the free-spirited, derisive Carmen. Her voice is compelling and seductively intense. When her protective barrier drops and she sings of her love for Don Jose, the contrast between the shrewd and vulnerable Carmen is flagrant.

Justin Lavender also carried his role convincingly with a rich and mellifluous voice. The musical highlight for me however, was soprano Elizabeth Atherton as Micaëla. Her clear and elegant voice brought warmth and sincerity to her character

and elicited empathy from the audience as she sang beautifully of her unrequited love for Don Jose.

For me the first act went on a too long and the story moved too slowly.

However, the play redeemed itself with the infusion of pace and colour in the second half. The show is very much an ensemble piece and the chorus was used to its full potential in the second half. When the chorus rush to a line at the front of stage and point to a procession making its way into the bullring the rapidity of the music and the flamboyant colourful costumes created a visual delight. It is in these chorus scenes that the conductor Michal Klauza switches pace and allows Bizet’s musical score to explode into life.

Carmen is a fervent opera with a compelling music. It was well-performed and visually pleasing; an opera with plenty to savour.

Rebecca Child Carmen returns to the Wales Millennium Centre on 11 May. For tickets contact Wales Millennium Centre Box Office: 08700 40 2000 or visit www.wmc.org.uk

THIRTYFOUR

ARTS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

ARTS

reviews

HELD

Wales Millennium Centre 6 - 7 March

I

THE HOT MIKADO Act One 6 - 10 March

a hard act to follow

1

950s America met pseudoJapan in this adaptation of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta.

The Hot Mikado showcased sheer talent and impressive dedication to produce a visionary and auditory feast. With Japanese-style satin outfits and jazz-inspired music, fresh from the onstage band, this was an all-round exuberant and joyful performance.

While the choreography was polished and innovative, the singing from all the lead parts shone throughout, particularly that of PittiSing (Louise Milne), Peep-Bo (Lucy Fairburn) and Katisha (Zoë Cruse).

The high notes they frequently hit, coupled with the rich consistency of their voices, amazed the audience.

One of the stand out songs was ‘I’ve Got A Little List’ by the brilliant Ko-Ko, the Lord High Executioner (Simon Walters), describing the list of people who ‘wouldn’t be missed’ if they were obliterated. This includ-

ARTS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

ed ingenious parodies of gormless WAGS, Americans dressed as burgers, and sour-faced emos, along with caricatures of Tony Blair and George Bush.

Other notable performers included Nanki-Poo (Ciaran Price) and YumYum (Rhian Davies) for their convincing, endearing display of devoted love, Pooh-Bah (Phil Legg) for his cocky swagger and wonderfully garish yellow suit, and Pitti-Sing (Louise Milne) for her squeaky yet delightfully blunt statements.

Perhaps the lady who really stole the show was Katisha (Zoë Cruse), the aging sexpot with bouffant hair and an unforgettable attitude. Cruse managed to combine humour with a more touching element, to great effect.

The bizarre seduction scene between Katisha and Ko-Ko, who hilariously sang to her using a puppet, followed by another song, where Katisha decided she wanted him after all, showed female domination at its very best.

Overall, this was a show that offered a little something for everyone.

Tasha Prest-Smith

gone in a flash

nventive and engaging moments of contemporary dance held together by flat, collage-like interludes. The dancers’ movements held by the camera in images that replicate the real, but not entirely. Held in the eye of the audience by pulses of lighting and the blinking flash of the camera for a moment in which the dance becomes freeze-frame.

Held, Australian Dance Theatre’s latest production, is an experiment in the visual potential of contemporary dance. Throughout most of the performance, a camera follows the dancers’ movements and relays images from the floor onto screens at either side of the stage. Lighting is manipulated to cast shadow and moods of colour, so that movements are variously obscured or highlighted. The dance is sharp and distinctly unromantic, even when the choreography invokes traditional steps.

Held is an interesting concept that relentlessly demands the audience’s attention. Some of its ideas are sharp and humorous observations of our visual, sexually coded culture. At times, though, it is in danger of becoming as empty as the purely visual can be and the images of the dancers begin to look worryingly like a Benetton advert.

Kim O’Connor

THIRTYFIVE

ARTS

previews TIM MINCHIN

Sherman Theatre 8 March tinkling the ivories

T

im Minchin is destined for big things, if his rapturous reception at the Sherman is anything to go by. There were clearly a few loyal, gently inebriated fans in the audience right from the start, but the rest of us needed to be won over. And, with all the charm that befits a blue-eyed, kohl-ringed, barefoot hobbit, Minchin triumphed.

He’s touted as the best thing in musical comedy since Bill Bailey, which is an intriguing promise at least. Tim Minchin’s talent as a song-writer, pianist and singer is what makes his act uniquely entertaining.

In the course of the show, he explains that his move into comedy was due to him failing as a rock star (he’s too nerdy, according to those knowledgeable music execs). MTV’s loss is comedy’s gain, although Minchin still managed to work some diva glamour into the show with the help of a wind machine and an impressive vocal range.

Minchin’s song lyrics are, by turns, brilliantly witty and sharply ironic.

They take in everything from politics to celebrity to sex to the IsraeliPalestinian conflict and, in what will perhaps become an anthem for the man, canvas shopping bags.

With a twinkle in his eye and a mischievous grin on his face, Tim Minchin parades his eclectic brand of comedy before an audience that’s only too happy to join in a sing-along.

Kim O’Connor

THIRTYSIX

Based on Eve Ensler’s ‘vagina interviews’ conducted with women all over the world, this hilariously witty and moving collection of tales gives voice to a chorus of lusty, poignant and thoroughly human stories. Jerry Hall, Coronation Street’s Nikki Sanderson and Welsh actress Ruth Madoc are some of the big names lined up to appear in this show. As sharp as Sex and the City and as funny as Smack the Pony, this riotous evening is the ultimate girls night out!

Vagina Monologues also donates a percentage of ticket sales revenue to V-Day, which benefits women's charities around the world.

Vagina Monologues is at Wales Millennium Centre on 9 - 24 March. Box Office: 08700 40 2000.

Diversions return to the New Theatre on March 21 24 with a brand new triple bill of dance. Exposure is a fusion of exciting new work from choreographers from around the world. Witness beauty and heartache from the UK alongside innovation and fierce energy from the Netherlands. From Mozart to modern percussion to live radio mixes, music inspires and influences the movement throughout.

Exposure is made up of Itzik Galili’s visually spectacular Peeled, Roy Campbell-Moore’s luxurious and carefree Up Close and Personal and Ronsaria by Tony Thatcher, a revival from the early days of the company.

Box Office: 029 2087 8889 Act One round off their season with Hotbed Hotel – a raunchy, riotous romp that is sure to tickle everyone’s fancy.

Terry and Brian Cody are hoping to sell their one star hotel to Mr. Lewis, the only man who has expressed any interest in buying it. In order to bolster his interest, they devise a ploy to make the hotel appear busier and more prosperous than it actually is. This involves persuading their staff to masquerade as paying guests to hilarious and unpredictable effect. This farcical ‘hotbed’ of intrigue and innuendo culminates in a show-stopping coup-de-theatre.

Hotbed Hotel is on March 20 - 24in the YMCA theatre.

The show starts at 7.30pm and tickets are £5.

Russell Howard’s infectious, charming and critically acclaimed style of stand-up feels like a chat around a campfire. He has irrepressible enthusiasm and boundless confidence and his super elasticised improvisational mind ensures the evening will be unique and full of endless laughs.

Russell Howard is at St David’s Hall on March 20. Tickets are £7 with NUS. Box Office: 029 2087 8444.

ARTS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

F I L M

N E W S

FILM film@gairrhydd

By Si Truss Film Editor Dull trivia and rated beans...

Triviageddon

PENEPLOPE CRUZ: and camel

CRUZ; EROTIC ANIMAL

Best Actress nominee Penelope Cruz is set to star opposite Ben Kingsley in an as yet unnamed adaptation of Philip Roth’s ‘The Dying Animal.’

The novella, which is described as an American classic, is the story of a relationship between a 62-year-old professor and a 24-year-old student he seduces.

It’s been described as ‘a squarely adult story, with the kind of adult scenes that hark back to the films of the 1970s.’ We’re not sure who it is that has described it as such but it’s got Penelope Cruz, Gandhi and arty sounding smut in it, so we ain’t going to be doing any complaining.

Filming starts this April with Patricia Clarkson set to co-star.

M ORE

NOT SNOW WHITE

Disney, as movie companies go, have never exactly been known for their forward thinking, multicultural view of the world.

In the 70 years since Snow White the company haven’t gained a great reputation for the way they represent other cultures,with a lot of their films being rip-offs of classic folk stories from various backgrounds (e.g.

Pocahontas, Mulan etc.)

In a recent shareholders meeting Disney announced plans to depict a black ‘princess’ for the first time ever, possibly a little behind the times we think. Now we’re not trying to suggest that Disney are run by inherently racist, overweight, obnoxious, stereotypical white businessmen but..

Thank the maker, he’s finally got one. Well done, Marty. Why did it take so long though? We all know he should have got one for Taxi Driver... Or Raging Bull.. etc.

Officially (decided by us) the most dull and nerdy bit of film trivia on the internet: In the film Titanic the pipe frames supporting the third class berths have set-screw speed rail fittings, not developed until 1946.

So now you know.

Interweb funny http://ruthlessreviews.com Literally that http://youtube.com/watch?v=ye Tt8_KduP4&mode=related&sear ch = Hilariously dated opening sequence of GI Joe the Movie

Film rate our beans!

In at three, it’s cap’n Sharpe himself: Sean.

Scorsese getting Oscars

Sally Field has won more Oscars than Stanley Kubrick. A bit wrong we think.

L ESS

At number two, back with a new film this year, it’s Mr.

Oscars for everyone else On DVD: ! Gypo ! The History Boys ! Count Duckula series 2 ! See No Evil ! Best Man ! National Lampoon’s Pledge This In cinemas: ! Gone ! Freedom Writers ! Outlaw ! The Number 23 ! The Good German ! The Good Shepherd

FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM

At the top, our number one, king of the beans, it’s baked, with substance and style.

THIRTYSEVEN

FILM

It’s Criminal Hollie Clemence chats to Danny Dyer, Nick Love and Sean Bean about their controversial new film Outlaw

A

fter watching 105 minutes of nose breaking, neck cracking and general men-beating-thecrap-out-each-other violence, I’m sitting in the press room of the swanky Soho Hotel, feeling a little apprehensive about meeting the rebellious ‘outlaws’.

Then, Danny Dyer swaggers in with a cheeky grin and I feel more at ease. He sits at the opposite end of the table to director Nick Love but it is clear that they are a close pair, having worked together on The Business, The Football Factory and Goodbye Charlie Bright. Despite their accomplishments they both seem completely unaffected and genuinely passionate about their work.

Love explains: “For me and Danny to work with well-known actors was quite a big turnaround. When Bob (Hoskins) turned up I fucking shit myself, I could hardly say action.”

Between them sits Sean Bean and Rupert Friend who star alongside Dyer as desperate men who take the law into their own hands, executing brutal revenge upon those who have wronged them. Yet all four men gradually reveal their softer sides; Friend admits to choosing the script

because it made his girlfriend cry and both Dyer and Bean describe the concerns they have for their own children during a discussion about fear, a theme central to the film.

Dyer becomes quite serious about this. “I fear for my daughter who I’m bringing up in this country. I can’t really let her play out and I keep her in my house all the time. The fact that we are at war at the moment, she knows all about that and knows that bombs go off on trains. I do fear for her,” although he can’t help adding, “I don’t like spiders either.”

“

I fear for my daughter who I’m bringing up in this country

Danny Dyer on anarchy in the UK Love also admits: “I’ve always been terrified of violence, which is probably why I keep making violent films. I’m trying to exorcise some kind of demon or something.”

He talks about previous reactions to his films and the accusations that have been made about him glam-

ourising violence.

He seems fairly amused that he has put ‘some people’s noses out of joint’ and takes a refreshingly simple outlook towards his job: “At the end of the day it’s a film with a bunch of characters in it…I think it’s a luxury of being a filmmaker to ask questions and not necessarily have to answer them.”

Bean is especially enthusiastic about Love’s style. “Having worked on stuff that’s very formulaic, such as big American films that pander to an audience and maybe over-explain what a story’s all about without allowing them to make their own minds up, I think this story hits you in the face.”

Nick is happy for the audience to interpret the film in their own way.

“If there’s a message in there somewhere, it’s not to take the law into your own hands but I would be a liar if I said that that was my intention when we were making the film. I made the film because I think it is an interesting debate. People either love it or hate it and that’s kind of OK.” Outlaw is on general release now and is reviewed on page 46

OUTLAW[S]: Kicking ass(bo)

THIRTYEIGHT

FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM

FILM

WHERE’S EVERYBODY

I

GONE?

solated naïve English backpackers, stranded on the tantalizing Australian countryside.

Suspicious over-friendly American comes along. Expecting no more than a fresher Wolf Creek or a cleaner Hostel, I walk out the screening slightly disappointed. This is no usual backpacker’s thriller as I had predicted. The ingredients are all there, though the mix was altered and the result is a nicely presented, refreshing film.

After no longer than two hours of watching the film I am sitting right in front of its first time feature director Ringan Ledwidge and lead actress, Amelia Warner, who plays Sophie.

The couple meet in Australia for a romantic holiday and casually end up befriending an overfriendly American stranger, Taylor (Scott Mechlowicz).

How was it shifting from commercials to film directing?

Ringan Ledwidge: To be honest what I most worried about were the practicalities really, for a commercial, the longest you have is five to six days but a film you shoot five days a week for seven weeks, so am I going to be able to do this? I didn’t really think until it was done really. The big thing really is the lack of money; if it rains when you are doing a commercial you just don’t shoot, do it next day, but in a film, especially a small budget film like this, if it rains, you shoot, you don’t get another day. It’s quite scary really… But I used to work with film agencies for my commer-

FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM

cials and well, basically, my commercials were quite narrative anyway so it just felt natural. But it was absolutely something I wanted to try.

How come has this script attracted you?

RL: I got the script sent in to me about four or five years ago and it was much more of a slashing movie, a lot more extreme, a Wolf CreekTexas Chainsaw Massacre kind of thing. But I wasn’t really into that.

But I loved the idea of the car, the landscape.

So how did you use the scenario to change the film’s “feel”?

RL: Part of the appeal to script was the setting, I had never been to Australia before but I just assumed that visually it would be really stunning so I wouldn’t need to spend loads of money on location studies, just going out a lot and find places which would be really interesting to have in a big scale. It was great shooting it. I used to be a photographer before I started directing so visually there was a lot of stuff naturally there to make the most of it and use the screen to show the side outside Sydney which is kind of enormous, really vast.

How was it filming in Australia and with such a small cast?

Amelia Warner: It was amazing, it was mad, from beginning to end.

Ana Moraes meets first-time feature director Ringan Ledwidge and actress Amelia Warner Thinking how far we travelled, it wasn’t just Sydney but the outback of it.

It was really surreal.

RL: We had a really good relationship among the cast, you would have a laugh and that helped on the shooting. We had a good time in Sydney.

AW: But in the countryside, you sort of wonder if you get lost and you don’t know what to do; you think to run but, where? It’s the middle of nowhere; you can’t get away from it!

Any personal creepy stories of strangers while travelling?

RL: well, I had to kind of escape of someone once; it was a ugly situation and I didn’t really had a choice…

Any Future Projects?

AW: I am currently filming “The Darkest Rising”, set in the UK but all filmed in Romania! More travelling ahead…

RL: Mmm, maybe going back to commercials, we’ll see what comes along.

Gone’s chill-out feel of no strings attached, entangled with endless Australian deserts are swiftly transformed into a desolate and chilling setting, as the American drifter becomes more suspicious. Hopefully it won’t put you off summer adventures abroad.

Gone is on theatrical release now and is reviewed on page 46

THIRTYNINE

FILM

Quench Film go to the Oscars (via MSN) What do you do when your plans for an OSCAR shindig are scuppered when you discover your host does not actually have Sky Movies in his house? You rely on Film Ry to find a highly illegal downloadable program on the internet that not only allows us to watch the ceremony from the comfort of our own beds, but also now provides us with US cable TV beamed to our laptops…result! Film Ry, his other-half ginger-ninja Sara, TV Ellen and Film Ash combined to watch and provide an alternative commentary to the ceremony in print form over MSN Messenger. This is the outcome of the experiment.

1:56am After a slow start Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly produce a truly legendary OSCAR moment in the form of a show tune about how comedians never get any recognition from the academy – genuinely hysterical!

3:20am

2:05am Abigail Breslin and Will Smith’s son present the short film awards, TV Ellen thinks that “they make the cutest couple ever”…it’s hard to argue.

2:13am The Hollywood Sound Effects choir squash any doubts of the authenticity of their ‘Honda’ adverts with a rendition of famous movie moments – 45mins in and 2 entertaining moments already…something is not quite right with the Academy Awards.

2:21am Happy film critics all-round; Alan Arkin wins best supporting actor, visibly nervous and close to tears he gives a truly moving acceptance speech. Note for future reference “close to tears”, no actual tears, there’s a subtle but great difference!

4:10am FORTY

3:10am After 50mins of nothing to note apart from Tom Hanks being brilliantly sarcastic backstage, host Ellen DeGeneres, having already pounced on Martin Scorsese and presented him with a screenplay she had written now corners Clint Eastwood. Interrupting him for a photo she asks the guy to his right to take it for her, luckily that was

Steven Spielberg, unhappy with his first attempt she asks him to re-take it, very funny stuff!

3:20am Robert Downey Jr. produces arguably the moment of the night when referring to modern special effects as similar to what he experienced in his head on any night during the 90s. Film Ash wonders if Downey Jr. could be any more awesome?

3:30am Film Ry gets very excited; firstly Snakes on a Plane gets a mention in the form of acrobats reproducing the logo in silhouette form, trust us it was incredible, secondly the German director of the best foreign film thanks Arnold Schwarzenegger. Said German film beat Pan’s Labyrinth to said award, cue endless MSN booing in unison.

3:36am Jennifer Hudson wins best supporting actress and within two seconds of being on-stage has thanked God, her mother and started to cry, all cardinal sins. Still with retrospect Film Ash’s cries of “drag her off now!” are a little harsh.

3:44am Film Ash wonders whether Jerry Seinfeld is there to collect a greatest and funniest guy in the world ever award? Alas he is not but is damn funny in presenting the documentary awards with an impromptu short stand-up routine (please prove to be a trial run for the host slot for next year). He delivers such gems as: “I love documentaries, they have

FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM

FILM a very real feel to them” and announced that “The five incredibly depressing movies nominated are…”

We also get a glimpse of Larry David in the audience, Film Ash is now so excited it’s impossible to describe.

3:50am Al Gore collects the award for best feature documentary and begins his acceptance speech “My fellow Americans” – Nice touch!

3:55am For some reason we are tortured with a live performance by Celine Dion, Film Ash think how great it would be if the giant 15 ft Oscar stage prop behind her would fall and crush her.

4:01am Clint Eastwood presents Ennio Morricone with a special award, not as TV Ellen suggests for “the man who looks most like a mole” but actually a lifetime achievement award for his scores. Clint translates his heart-warming acceptance speech into English from Italian. Film Ry’s much better half ginger-ninja Sara with her vast knowledge of the Italian language is adamant Morricone actually says “I fuck Clint’s wife every night, I am deeply offended that you made me listen to Celine fucking Dion; join me in my war against her native Canada!”…We think not!

“

4:20am

Film Ash battles with himself not to use a cheap “cracking set of lungs” joke…he fails…miserably 4:05am Film Ash is amazed that Clint can speak Italian and wonders if there is nothing the great man can’t do…well apart from hold in his piss when he needs to go anymore, well he is getting on!

4:08am We all notice the incredibly short attention spans that Americans must have; we get reminders that “The Academy Awards will be back soon” half-way through every advert break…of 3 minutes.

FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM

4:10am The sight of Jack Nicholson with a bald head leads Film Ash to wonder whether he has finally gone mad and smoked his own hair?

4:20am Jennifer Hudson redeems herself with a great performance of songs from Dreamgirls. Belting out the songs in an extremely low cut dress Film Ash battles with himself not to use a cheap “cracking set of lungs” joke…he fails…miserably.

4:45am TV Ellen is close to tears when she discovers, thanks to the ‘dead reel’ that Scotty from Star Trek has died. On a slightly lighter note, during the eulogy Film Ash spots a producer by the name of Red Buttons has also died…how cruel were his parents?

4:10am

4:50am Ellen DeGeneres cracks another classic by introducing Phillip Seymour Hoffman as “People magazine’s sexiest man to have played Truman Capote.”

4:52am A debate rages over whether you would or wouldn’t, you know, Helen Mirren, Film Ry despite being initially opposed to the idea is easily swayed into a vote of confidence.

4:20am

5:00am The early hour is taking its toll and Film Ash rashly declares that if Peter O’Toole deservedly wins Best Actor his will attend his next seminar naked. Disappointingly, the award goes to Forest Whitaker; worryingly, Film Ash does not seem all that relieved with the result.

5:02am Reese Witherspoon looks unbelievably hot!

5:08am Greatest Oscar moment ever, Martin Scorsese finally win for Best Direction on his sixth attempt, there might be a God after all.

Scorsese begins his acceptance speech by asking his presenter, Spielberg, Lucas and Coppola to check the envelope again, to make sure they got it right. Film Ry cries.

5:19am After 2 hours of red-carpet banter and 4 hours of the actual show Film Ry, now coming down from the elation of Mr Scorsese’s victory has a moment of realization and announces that; “I have to get up for work in an hour!”

5:02am FORTYONE

FILM FREEDOM WRITERS Dir: Richard LaGravenese Starring: Hilary Swank, Patrick Dempsey

GONE Dir: Ringan Ledwidge Starring: Scott Mechlowicz, Victoria Thaine, Amelia Warner

Out Now, 123 mins

Out Now, 88 mins

W

hen English backpacker Alex (Shaun Evans) first arrives in Sydney with no more than a cigarette in his mouth and a humungous Guide to Australia, a casual chat with American traveller Taylor (Scott Mechlowicz) easily leads on to the two carousing throughout the night.

The morning after, a lift from Taylor comes in handy. From the moment Alex is reunited with his girlfriend Sophie (Amelia Warner), Taylor begins insinuating himself in what was meant to be a romantic holiday for the couple.

The tension slowly rises between the boys, with Taylor’s insidious mind games and manipulative ways and Sophie’s oblivious behaviour to the American’s charm and flirtations.

The heat and desolation of the Australian outback contribute to jealousy, guilt; betrayal and blackmail when a polaroid from Alex’s first night at the capital makes an appearance.

The film’s claustrophobic feel when inside Taylor’s sweaty car against the stark landscapes of the Australia countryside are uncomfortable backgrounds to Alex’s initial suspicions and later his succumbing to an escalating paranoia towards Taylor.

But, for film audiences used to Wolf Creek (2005) stories of vulnerable backpackers and Dead Calm (1989) depicting random drifters as suspicious intruders, our trained film instinct promptly dooms the characters to a The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) climax.

The film’s cinematography makes up for its inexorable outcome, the director makes the most of his photographer skills to encapsulate the grandiosity, beauty and menace of the Australian deserts.

Ana Moreas

FORTYTWO

T

he pen is mightier than a gang of AK-toting hoodlums. Still.

I have a theory: gang-related classroom dramas will become the new World War Two film – far too many of them telling basically the same story.

On the face of it, this – the true story of a naïve white teacher who takes on a mixed-race class of unruly gangbangers and actually manages to make a difference – has been done before. Think Dangerous Minds updated for the 21st century (i.e. with a better soundtrack, sans Coolio).

Let’s be honest: it sounds awful, conceptually. Were it not a true story, the idea that a group of teenagers can change their lives just by writing a diary would require an almost religious suspension of disbelief. It’d be easy to write it off as predictably, clichéd and mawkish (benefit concerts - I mean really…).

Appropriately, given the film’s overriding narrative, this reviewer’s preconceptions were shattered. In between the gunshots, the hint of oversentimentality and Hilary Swank’s sickeningly sweet smile, there’s a gripping and moving story of redemption, and how one committed teacher can make a momentous change in her students’ lives. Until she takes a cushy university job.

Christopher White

OUTLAW Dir: Nick Love Starring: Sean Bean, Danny Dyer, Bob Hoskins Out Now, 117 mins

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utlaw is skilfully directed, with careful manipulation of suspense and surprise in every scene.

Bean is totally convincing as former paratrooper, Bryant, and Sean Harris plays Hillier, the psychotic security guard, with unnerving authenticity.

More magnificent is the sound effects during the fight scenes which make the violence inescapable and utterly horrific.

The script and plot is quite basic however, with some unnecessary explanation in the dialogue and a predictable outcome. But this doesn’t altogether prevent Outlaw from being an exciting and provocative watch.

Hollie Clemence

FILM@GAIRRHYDD.COM

FILM

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THE GOOD SHEPHERD Dir: Robert De Niro Starring: Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, Robert De Niro

THE NUMBER 23 Dir: Joel Schumacher Starring: Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen

Out Now, 167 mins

Out Now, 95 mins

t all looks very familiar: post war America, the threat from the Soviet power is starting to bother the US intelligence; The hero: dedicated, clean-cut THE GOOD GERMAN geeky Yale graduate and member of Dir: Steven Soderbergh super-secret society, Skulls and Star: Cate Blanchett, Bones, Edward Wilson (Matt Damon) George Clooney, Tobey is soon recruited to join the CIA-toMaguire be department, perfectly suiting his Out Now, 105 mins patriotic aspirations. The dilemmas: the usual spy’s career choices between family and their duty to the country; and a sensitive touch: son he best film to evoke the periof an austere, suicidal father and od in recent memory. victim of an unfair trap that stole Blanchett and Clooney lead a him from his true love. So turns out strong cast and make a better film as usual and Edward puts his counthan expected from the novel's try first and leaves his pregnant wife source material.

Archival newsreel footage of 1945 a week after the wedding to work in London for the next six years.

Berlin and black and white cineYes, the ingredients are all there. matography is put to very effective The Good Shepherd is nothing more use. Toby McGuire as a self-serving, mean spirited weasel shows another than a gangster-free Road to Perdition as for emotional appeal, or side of the usually boyish charmer. a dull version of A Beautiful Mind Beau Bridges is well cast as the US secretive settings minus the end-ofarmy brass who bears a self-rightthe-film twist plus Matt Damon. eous similarity to contemporary miliSome of this predictable muddle tary higher-ups who think they have can be understood, as a second a corner on deciding the right thing to do. Secrets, lies, love and intrigue director’s attempt from DeNiro to mirror his “master”, Scorsese at woven together to form a provocaleast in subject. So it seems as the tive study of moral ambiguities and tough choices in wartime. Highly rec- film resembles, in it subject and Matt Damon’s character much of ommended.

The Departed. Minus the Oscar…

Sidney Saffron Ana Moreas

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FILMS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

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oel Schumacher’s directorial career is notorious for being more up-and-down than an overworked porn star; however anybody expecting his latest offering to even remotely live up to its admittedly intriguing promotional campaign will be left bitterly disappointed.

While Schumacher’s films have not always maintained a steady level of entertainment, the ever reliable ‘rubber-faced’ Jim Carrey could never rightly be accused of the same crime, however; here even he fails to inject anything memorable into material so tiresome that it creates absolutely no suspense throughout its thankfully short 95 minutes running time. And this is perhaps the most surprisingly, disappointing thing about the lacklustre ‘thriller’, for, after all, this is the same director that created bucketloads of suspense when simply shooting a whole film of Colin Farrell in a phone-box.

While the lack of suspense may be its greatest flaw, its major annoyance lays at the feet of the narrative within the narrative scenes that visualise the contents of the pesky book. These moments, intended to pay homage to classic noir are so over-stylised that they play more like the kitsch infused visuals of Dick Tracy than any straight-laced 1940’s detective story.

The overwhelming sense of disappointment that The Number 23 leaves you with is entirely frustrating because, at its heart, lies an enticing central story and a genuinely interesting commentary on the allure of modern literary works centred on conspiracy, highlighted by the furore that surrounded the ‘Da Vinci Code’ as its hordes of reader/believers.

Ashley James

FORTYTHREE

FILM

dvds

new release

A new release

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S PLEDGE THIS Out Now ational Lampoon’s Pledge This is so unfeasably, mind-numbingly bad it actually manages the seemingly impossible feat of making a scene involving an obese girl being blasted off the toilet by a river of poo to the sound of a redneck yelling “That’s an 11 on the shitter scale!” unfunny. Think that’s a crime? It’s got Paris Hilton in a lead role, and the woman acts like she’s been dead for weeks. Bag o’shiiiite.

Rhys Trigg

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new release SEE NO EVIL Out Now ear Diary, my thoughts as I watched See No Evil: “Oh look, it’s another slasher flick.

Although wait, this one has Kane from WWF in it…this could be the scariest thing ever. Oh wait, it’s not. Teens going to an abandoned hotel you say? I wonder if they’ll get killed! Oh yeah, horribly. Ouch.

Careful with that axe, Eugene. Hey, that’s Pink Floyd! I like Pink Floyd. This film is shit.”

Rhys Trigg

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new release COUNT DUCKULA SERIES TWO Out Now hen the organ music, lightning and thunderbolts begin the joy of the late 80s classic Count Duckula comes flooding back.

In their teleporting castle the broccoli-sandwich-eating Count Duckula, Nanny and Igor travel in search of gold and diamonds across cartoon land. With German speaking and public school ducks as the baddies it still makes me giggle fifteen years later.

Amy Harrison

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new release TWELVE AND HOLDING Out Now welve and Holding is an amazing achievement, and it is a travesty that the film remains relatively undiscovered.

Michael Cuesta’s beautifully shot coming-of-age drama follows the shyer of two twins (played ably by Conor Donovan), who learns revenge after the tragic but inadvertent death of his brother at the hands of two other boys. Surrounding him are a young girl who falls for a tragic older man and an overweight friend who becomes obsessed with his health.

Ewen Hosie

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THE HISTORY BOYS Out Now lan Bennett’s wonderfully written screen adaptation of his worldwide stage hit has been described as “the best film about growing up ever”. With that in mind it could be said that The History Boys is a lot like, 1980’s seminal coming of age movie Stand By Me, just with added romantic poetry and homosexuality.

It doesn’t include River Phoenix or the cheerfully chubby Jerry O’Connell, or a gun, or a dead body for that matter. However it does feature the fat guy that used to be in Pie In The Sky fondling his pupils’ balls. It isn’t set in Portland, Oregon either; instead its settings are juxtaposed between a run-down Sheffield comprehensive school and the glorious surroundings of Oxford University. It disappointedly doesn’t feature Kiefer Sutherland as an obnoxious bully either, but does have a rather disagreeable and homophobic headmaster who is completely oblivious to the fact that the majority of the rest of the school would be quite happy bumming each other numb.

With that in mind this is in fact nothing like Stand

By Me, apart from the fact it; is about growing up, is brilliantly written, is fantastically performed by an inexperienced cast as is all in all a bloody good film.

Ashley James

new release BEST MAN Out Now his film rocks like the Rolling Stones dueting with The Who in the middle of a boulder-spewing earthquake of doom.

Which is what I would be saying if it was good.

Except it’s not. It’s actually got a man who’s best, but is he a best man? Who knows, I don’t; I stopped this film twice to play Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker on the Gamecube. I just got past the Forbidden Forest Island, it was amazing, but I did prefer the Dragon Roost Island. Awesome graphics.

Ewen Hosie

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new release GYPO Out Now ypo like Red Road, has a connection with Denmark's eccentric Lars von Trier. However, this doesn’t use characters devised by von Trier’s company like Red Road, and instead is Britain's first official Dogma movie.

In this vein Gypo is a no-budget drama about asylum-seekers, and is set on the gritty fringes of mainstream society. The narrative plays out three times but each from a seperate perspective. This works out to be an effective method of making the audience view their assumptions about the characters and situations. Surprisingly, this is Jan Dunn's debut feature at 43 and features some edgy camerawork, and plays on the judgements we make as a voyeurs.

Ryan Owen

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DIGITAL

More good stuff This week sees the continuation of our retrospective on all things vaugely digital. Peter Kay would surely be proud of this tirade of retro tat.

11. Tamagotchis Remember the Golden era; the Golden age of the playground? You were only cool if you had completed the whole of your Merlin football sticker album, had a troll whose eyes glowed up, and had the definitive platinum pog. True popularity and respect however cost ten big ones, but it was worth it to become the proud parent of your very own digital pet, the Tamagotchi.

Responsibility for a Tamagotchi was not something to be taken lightly, you even had to ask your friends to ‘mind’ it if you went to the loo. You had to make sure the nipper was fed its yummy digital food and clean up its crap. But you could play a game with it which was a bonus.

Lucy Reader

12. The Sim Series: I am genuinely undecided as to whether I love or HATE the Sims. It has taken literally months off my life, and I have achieved nothing great as a result. But it is one of the highest selling computer games in history, so it must be doing something right. The original computer game ‘Sim city’ is definitely one of the best games I’ve played The objective was to design, build and maintain a city. There were ‘scenario’ options, based on real cities such as Tokyo, Boston and Detroit; where the player was given issues to sort out, such as traffic congestion, crime, global warming and of course the very real threat of monsters. Sounds thrilling doesn’t it?

Lucy Reader

13. L.A. Gears I’m six and my shoes have got lights in them, my mum didn’t buy me Nike Air Max like Gavin Schnoodlesmchitt’s socialite parents did, and he gave me hell for it. But when we were both abducted by the neighbourhood White van man I used my shoes to signal my location to highly trained police snipers. They took old white van man down and brought me cocoa, a blanket and the über-rare Roland Rat action figurine. Gavin was dead by this point. His crappy Nikes air bubble had burst and given him a fatal bout of trench foot. Dom Mukwamba-Sendall

FORTYSIX

14. Remote Control Watches In my opinion the best thing to come out of the 90s was the Casio watch with the remote control on it. Hours and hours of fun were had winding up teachers with this gem. On your wrist it masqueraded as a simple watch, but point it at a TV and you had a full remote. It was the superhero of the gadgets if you will.

This contraption was Invaluable in Science lessons when you had to watch those not-so-thrilling videos about Iron Ore… you could repeatedly turn the volume up and down or switch channels to get the teacher really angry. A truly mature and sophisticated device.

Lucy Reader

15. Self Service Tills Whereas previously in supermarkets you occasionally had to wait while a slack-jawed young woman screamed over at her colleague about an argument she had had with her boyfriend before being served now you get to witness such an event live. He wants to buy six cans of Kestrel, while she wants to invest in nappies for the children who are at that very moment being made to feel uncomfortable about their dual heritage by some loving, but very politically incorrect grandparents. Then the guy who always got bullied at school (well come on mate, look how it all turned out) refuses to authorize your own attempted purchase of Kestrel because he thinks you may once have laughed at him. Super!

Tim Scriven

DIGITAL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

DIGITAL 16 Photoshop Before this little application came along if you looked fat on a photo you had two options: 1. Deal with it, or 2. Gain an eating disorder and work out a lot.

Then, once you’ve lost the weight kidnap anyone involved in the first photograph and meticulously recreate it. Unfortunately those who employed the second option were often dismayed by the lack of spontaneity of execution and joy on the faces of their friends in the reproduction. Photoshop offered a third option-utilise technology to delude yourself and anyone else who may come into contact with the offending image that at the time of it’s capture you were less ‘bovine-lookin’ . It features simple and easy to use, professional quality photo editing software at an affordable cost, and therein lies its success. It’s also really fun to cut and paste a picture of a friends face onto the top of a picture of an erect penis. Dom Mukwamba-Sendall

17. Digital Cameras While the early models were cumbersome, slow and low-quality, digital cameras have evolved into the compact, fast and high-quality image fiends we know and love today. Since buying mine, I have taken thousands of pictures everywhere from Ayers Rock to Metros – and wouldn’t be without my camera on a night out at Uni to capture those priceless drunken snaps. Sorry to all you camera purists, but no matter what you say, the digital camera is awesome and is here to stay.

Richard Ward Richard Ward

18. eBay This was bound to enter the list somewhere. There was a time when if you wanted to get hold of a particularly rare item you’d have to speak to a dodgy guy in a bar or happen upon a map. The status quo was then generally to embark on a quest filled with excitement, mild scenes of peril, distress and partial nudity.

Eventually this would all culminate with a battle of some form between two or more protagonists ending in a couple of explosions and a romantic yet tasteful kiss (once the obligatory villain had been dispatched).

Someone commented to me the other day that there are no good action movies coming out anymore. I now know why. If Indiana Jones wants an Arc of the Covenant he can ‘Buy It Now’ from Biblicalbargin316, and he’s a Powerseller too so Indy knows he wont stiff him on the P&P. Dom Mukwamba-Sendall

DIGITAL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

19. Leisure Suit Larry Watch as this pixelated misogynist employs his sleazy powers to pull anatomically inconceivable pixelated women! Live vicariously through his actions!

Watch every minute of his debauched pursuits! But only if you can answer such mind twisting age verification questions as “Were The Beatles a band or a poetry club?” or “Do cats really have nine lives?”

Andy Parsons

20. Championship Manager I had a girlfriend and a clean shaven face. I now have neither of these things but I have just done the double with Torquay United. Maybe tomorrow I’ll part the Red Sea, if these bedsores stop itching.

Andy Parsons

FORTYYSEVEN

DIGITAL In Review:

WWW.GROUPHUG.US

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've been having sex with my 23 year old cousin for about six months now...she's just told me she's pregnant and that the baby is mine. Both our parents are gonna freak when they find out as she doesn't believe in abortion so she's got to have the baby. I'll stand by her and support the baby but the bad part is I'm worried about the sex with her stopping.”

It’s about 11:30 at night when I happen across this confession sandwiched below a guy admitting to wanking over his brother’s wife whilst she slept, and above someone jovially owning up to provoking fights when bored. As I read on I begin to wonder whether I’ve finally found the seedy underbelly of the internet I’ve been looking for all these years. The online equivalent of a secondary school toilet cubicle’s wall that’s had pupils’ pretentious scribbling daubed over with jarringly honest insights into the minds of their grown up counterparts. Countless hours later I’m still engrossed imbued with caffeine, and feeling like an omnipresent 3am girl. The website, Grouphug.us was established in 2003, to provide an open, anonymous forum for people to share secrets with strangers the world over. At the time of writing this the site is home to 446,900 confessions of varying levels of exhibitionism.

Content-wise the site is a cavalcade of the bizarre, scary, and often uplifting. Some of the entries that reflect frustrations of everyday life are nothing short of hilarious. One college student moans “I hate how the sexyassed girls wanna bang my roommate and not me”. Whilst one lucky lady comes to terms with her own self image “My boyfriend and I are both ugly.” Some utilise the guarantee of anonymity to confess to their darkest urges.

One man admits to fantasizing

FORTYEIGHT

In review WWW.CRIMELIBRARY.COM

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If there was some way of knowing for sure that I wouldn’t get caught… I’ve got people in mind and I would enjoy doing it. It would genuinely make me happy that his girlfriend would don a strap-on and sodomise him adding “I’m too afraid of what she’ll say if I ask her”. Others seem written with such clinical forethought that it makes you question if you should ever leave your room again; “If there was some way of knowing for sure that I wouldn’t get caught… I would gladly murder. I’ve got people in mind and I would enjoy doing it. It would genuinely make me happy”.

My confession then is this; originally I was ready to slate the hell out of this site and all the ‘freaks’ that use it. But if you have a confession that no volume of over proof spirits can release, or just need some reassurance that your problems aren’t that bad Grouphug.us is the perfect site for you, definitely worthy of residing in your favourites tab.

Dom Mukwamba-Sendall

ver the course of the last 16 years, CourtTV have televised the proceedings of thousands of court cases in the USA, and now they are hosting the crimelibrary.com website.

It is a relatively comprehensive listing of crimes past and present from all categories of criminal activity. Like most things American though, it mostly focuses only on cases from North America. There are however forays into the world of the more internationally renowned criminals, Such as Carlos the Jackal (international assassin) and Jack the Ripper. There is also a series of articles on crime films, and where the inspiration for the characters came from.

The overall layout to it is intuitive, however the articles are mostly very long, and unless you have a genuine interest in a case, or an epically large attention span, it’s easy to lose track of the articles. There are some pretty useful functions available on the site. There is a side bar containing news headlines, alerts when children go missing and a message board for viewers to express their views on past and current investigations and cases (bringing up the question of loss of impartiality in court proceedings).

This site is a fascinating read and great resource for anyone studying any Law related subjects; it’s filled with detailed articles, indepth reports from law enforcement officers involved in the case and some of the details of the forensics involved in solving it. You don’t need to be studying the field to find it an interesting read, however, if you don’t have that much time on your hands, it’s probably worth missing. Brychan Govier

DIGITAL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

DIGITAL In Review: PC

The Sims Life Stories

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espite what some may think this game is not an extension pack. The Sims life stories is, in fact, a brand new game, devised by the geniuses at EA games to drain hours of our lives.

I was admittedly quite excited when I first got this game, frustrated with the perpetual line of extension packs that offer pretty much nothing to the Sims connoisseurs such as myself.

So imagine my disappointment when – forty quid down – I realised it was, well, shit. The official website bigs it up no end: ‘play through Riley's life story as she returns home to start a new life with new friends, new experiences, and unexpected surprises. A second story lets you sort out the love life of Vince, a love-struck hightech whiz who's been unlucky in love so far.’ Oh goodie, so it’s, err, basically exactly the same as the Sims 2. To add insult to injury it’s actually

worse than the Sims 2 in the fact that it’s a lot more hard work – I don’t want to have to work hard to make 18 year old Vince, the ‘lovestruck high-tech whiz’ have sex with Ida, his 80 year old neighbour. And I personally can’t seem to understand what makes this Vince a ‘high-tech whiz’ – he’s a computer generated character, all I want is to watch him have sex with old ladies, make him wet himself numer-

He’s a computer generated character, ous times all I want is to watch him have and eventually drive him crazy. sex with old ladies Basically I don’t rate this game at all. Its only good point – and to be fair this is pretty cool – is that it doesn’t have to be run as a full screen game, you can be complaining to your mates on msn about

how crap it is whilst playing it… genius. Lucy Reader

In Review: PS2

Final Fantasy XII

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he longest running franchise which includes an oxymoron in the title is back, and, unlike The Never-Ending Story II it isn’t shite. You play Vaan, a suntanned and effeminate thief whose elder brother was killed in the assassination of the king of Dalmasca. Vaan soon becomes involved in a plot to restore the rightful heir to the throne and depose the Evil dictatorship, accompanied by a group of people so diverse they would surely hate each other. Graphically its amazing.

The monsters and gizmo’s look like a cross between the bits Peter Jackson left out of the Lord of the Rings trilogy because they were just too good and what George Lucas would have used in the Star Wars prequels if they hadn’t been a pile of wank. And, crucially unlike in other recent FF games, the gameplay itself doesn’t disappoint. No just hammering the X button until you win here.

The battle system affords the player fluid combat with the emphasis on programming your party members with the right tactics or ‘gambits’

DIGITAL@GAIRRHYDD.COM

with which to defeat the variety of fiends which inevitably inhabit these far off worlds.

Incidentally one must imagine the conservationist movements in Dalmasca to be strong indeed because, if the puniest of these beasties lived anywhere in the U.K, it would be hunted down and killed by a mob armed only with subscriptions to the daily mail. That aside if you like the kind of sprawling RPG’s which cause you to lie to your loved ones in order that you can play them instead of attending the pesky weddings/funerals/bharmitzvas that appeal to ‘the little people’ then get this title.

Timothy Scriven

FORTYNINE

GOING OUT

The great outdoors Ah, the sun is shining and spring is in the air.

There's nothing better then the fresh outdoors to chase any mid-term stress away, and there is plenty of beautiful countryside on your doorstep, just waiting to be explored. Josh Gardner gives you his guide to the Brecon Beacons...

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he first thing you’ll notice about the Brecon Beacons is the clichés; rolling mountains, imposing clouds, plunging valleys…and sheep, oh yes, lots and lots of sheep. You might have noticed, “Going Out” is taking its name rather seriously this week and as the usual signs of spring; daffodils, crying Welsh rugby fans, pound a pint Tuesday at the Taf, all start to present themselves, we have broken forth from our sedentary student lives and ventured into deepest darkest Wales….

Now where was I? Ah yes, sheep.

If ever there was a place where the stereotypical sheepshagging Welshman would feel at home, it’s in the Brecon Beacons. As your intrepid reporter navigates the road taking you from the Welsh Valleys up into the heady heights of one of Britain’s first National Parks, you find yourself in a continual game of chicken with about half a million sheep, no fences, barriers or ditches here, just faith and gratuitous horn use to keep the fluffy buggers from becoming permanently intimate with your bonnet, it can be quite the hair-raising experience.

You might wonder why we would abandon Neighbours, Tea, and all the other comforts of city life to venture forty miles further into Wales to get involved in Ovid standoffs, but your answer comes as you break the crest of that first hill, and are greeted by some of the most spectacular views you will ever see. Peter Jackson can keep New Zealand, the

FIFTY

majestic, unspoilt mountains and valleys of the Beacons take your breath away, equal parts beautiful and dramatic, the view on a clear day could make the hour’s journey more than worth it.

Things to do...

Yet the Beacons are more than just magnificent scenery, there is good reason why an estimated 3.6 million people visit ever year, and there’s a wealth of activities to tempt you from the comfort of the couch and out into the harsh light of day.

Walking, might seem like a means to an end; lectures, pub, Tescos, these things all require its tedium to achieve.

Yet the Beacons aim to make walking worthwhile again. Whether a seasoned hiker, or a fat bastard who’s been sent out to the sticks by cruel editors, every level is catered for, with a chance to enjoy spectacular wildlife and scenery, with the bonus of many remotely located pubs to happen upon in your travels, its actually more fun than it sounds, key places to check out here are the Sugarloaf Mountain (neither sugar, nor a loaf, but still impressive), Blue Pool in Ystradfellte (try asking a local for directions there and see how far you get), and the ever popular Pen-YFan, Wales’ tallest mountain, and a magnificent sight to behold on a clear day. I’d love to be able to tell you that the view from the top is spectacular, but I can barely make it

over the bridge by the Union, so I just took the word of some fit looking pensioner that it was…

If walking isn’t your thing however, the park offers a vast array of trails for cyclists to experience the sights while minimising damage to the countryside.

If equine pursuits are more in your interest, there are a variety of riding and pony-trekking centres, its also worth noting that the Beacons was recently BHS Access Award for the National Park most active in setting up horse riding routes, and is considered to be some of the best riding in Europe.

The Park also caters for those of a more “extreme” persuasion, there are sixteen “way marked” mountain biking routes of varying intensity for those who fancy hurtling down a mountain at great speed. If going up the mountain is more your thing, there are 400 outdoor “climbs” in the area for you to test your mettle against, catering from novices to hardcore climbers (see http://www.southwalesmountaineering.org.uk for more info).

Unsurprisingly for a land that should have a picture of a rain cloud on it’s flag, water sports are also on offer, windsurfing and sailing can be undertaken on Llangors Lake, the largest natural lake in South Wales.

Kayaking and Canoeing are also on offer in various locations on the river Usk, and there are several hire, guide and instruction companies operating in the Park to get you started.

GOINGOUT@GAIRRHYDD.COM

GOING OUT

Its not all just energetic fun however, making your way into Brecon town itself, you won’t find a great deal to do, until you venture down to the canal area, here on a fine day you can sit on the grass, enjoy an ice cream, play some football, or hire some pedaloes and recreate the Battle of Trafalgar using some basic weapons and your imagination. It’s a truly pleasant way to spend an afternoon, and once you’re done, you can relocate to one of the town’s pleasingly rural pubs and conjugate over the day’s endeavours.

“

Peter Jackson can keep New Zealand, the majestic, unspoilt mountains and valleys of the Beacons take your breath away...

It’s also worth noting that for one weekend, Brecon shrugs off its sleepy market town image and comes to life. From the 10th-12th of August, the Brecon Jazz Festival

GOINGOUT@GAIRRHYDD.COM

comes to town, filling the streets and venues with some of the world’s foremost jazz artists, it blends great music, atmosphere and setting to produce a truly unique experience.

Slightly less bombastic, is the annual Hay Literature Festival, where some of the world’s top writers convene to give talks and workshops in the sleepy village on the river Wye, Bill Clinton called it “Woodstock for the mind” whatever that means, but I’d imagine its an endorsement of some kind.

How to get there...

The most straightforward way to enjoy one of the most pristine and spectacular places in the UK, is ironically, to take the car. Green concerns aside it allows you the freedom to come and go as you please, and to effectively explore the 525 sq/m of park. That being said, the bus and train routes that will, in a rather roundabout fashion, get you there. A better option after May 27th is the “Beacons Bus”. A service that runs from Cardiff and stops at many places in the park along the way, giving you greater freedom to explore

and it even has a special bike trailer on the back to allow cyclists to enjoy the park without needing a car.

If the Beacons seem like a bit of a stretch for a day out, or a few days away, hold that thought. Yes, it’s not that easily accessible, and yes, on a wet and cold day it’s bloody miserable, but if you catch it on one of those rare Welsh summers days, you will not regret it, the scenery is mindblowing, the activities a giggle, but more than that, you will fall in love with the sheer surreal absurdity that seems to follow you around. Whether it’s finding an ice cream van parked at the top of a barren mountain 365 days a year, come rain or shine, getting asked for a drink by a cheeky SAS recruit in the middle of their infamous “Fan Dance” exercise, or walking into a pub in the middle of nowhere, and seeing in pride of place amongst all the military memorabilia, a photo of Johnny Depp, behind the bar pulling himself a pint, you will have some stories to tell, and that, might even be worth missing neighbours for…

For more information on the Brecon Beacons, go to http://www.breconbeacons.org.

FIFTYONE

CULT CLASSICS

What, no Space Invaders?

Cult Classics on the videogames that shaped/ruined our adolesence - oh happy days Civilization (1991-2006)

Gunstar Heroes (1993)

Final Fantasy 7 (1997)

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ive hours and I've only moved for the odd toilet break, food and drink. The reason is this: the war against the Russians had just turned in my favour after discovering gunpowder first.

Their cities and the wonders they contain (Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Sun Tzu's War Academy) would soon have been mine, but for the treacherous Persians. Despite all my flattery in negotiations, they suddenly sided with the Russians and I now have two front lines on opposite sides of my empire. And we all know what that means. It means I have been playing Civilization too long and my social life, studies and state of health have fallen apart just like my empire is about to. Civ's ‘one more turn' play has you exercising every megalomaniac desire you posses.

Now in its fourth iteration, Civ lets you take a fledging nation with warriors that say ‘UG' and hit things with clubs to a global empire complete with expansive space program and tanks that go ‘KERBLAMO'. None of this is shown in spectacular graphics, and it doesn't need to be. Civ gives players a detailed world (the gigantic manuals will testify to this) that sucks you in and keeps you there until your eyes are blood-shot.

No other game offers the same sense of power and the satisfaction when your plans come to fruition is almost unrivalled. Also you get to nuke all the countries you don't like.

France is the traditional option.

Philip Jones

unstar Heroes is absolutely the pooch’s gooch, without a shadow of a doubt.

Two pumped up heroes, Red and Blue, wield massive fire-spewing weapons of mass kill and lightning beams of impending death to many a cyborg ninja scum, endeavouring to save the other coloured warriors (Green, Pink, Yellow etc.) who have been kidnapped by techno-wizard assholes. The Professor tells you to go forth and decimate, and that you do my funky onions.

Choose your stance; ‘fixed shot’ has you standing still and spraying your rockets of retribution in 360 degree arcs while ‘free shot’ allows you to move while firing in straight lines, tactical decisions which add

here are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who have played Final Fantasy 7 and those who haven’t. Praise the gods I fall under the first group.

You see Final Fantasy is not just a game but a vast world in which you live in (for days on end sometimes).

This game is simply huge. There is no simple completing of levels and continuing. The first disc of four is just one huge city which you travel and do battle in, once you escape you have a whole planet to experience which is over the other 3 discs!

Plus everything you do has an effect. From gaining experience for new weapons, moves and magic powers to buying ostrich-like birds (called Chocobos) which you can breed, evolve and race at the tracks. As far as RPGs go this is the cream of the crop. The landscape is breathtaking and the cut scenes were the best the Playstation ever saw.

I think the reason the classic has such a cult following is the extremely engrossing storyline and narrative, of which you have most of the control over. You are not forced to go anywhere; you travel and take control of the hero’s destiny. If you want to stop during sections to play on one of the million mini games you can. If you feel like searching the forest for new beasts to encounter you can. All these aspects will alter your hero and his band of warriors in what some consider the best game ever made.

James Rendell

th and decimate The Professor tells you to go for and that you do my funky onions

Civilization: Hot Hut

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unprecedented depth to the carnage.

Choose your weapon; a varied selection of ammo types, such as laser beams, rapid fire, flames and the wonderful homing shot, which looked like little green flubbers bouncing about the screen. Mix and match the ammo types to open up new levels of destructive bliss.

The animation still holds up, with beautifully designed multi-tiered stages like mid-90s Saturday morning cartoons vomiting onto the bent backs of spiky-haired anime epileptic seizure explosions. KAPOW! The blissful Japanese devco behind this disasterpiece are Treasure, who would go on to create the little-played but much coveted likes of Guardian Heroes (unrelated) on the Sega Saturn and the Dreamcast milestone Ikaruga. They are an underappreciated software house and Gunstar Heroes is the game that made their name.

Ewen Hosie

C U LT CLASSICS RECOMMENDS Streets of Rage (1991) Lemmings (1991) PaRappa The Rapper (1996)

CLASSICS@GAIRRHYDD.COM

BLIND DATE This week, Blind Date sent out two singletons for a bit of fun at Shot in The Dark. Were there stars in their eyes or were they left in the dark?

Tasha Prest Smith Second year English Literature What was your favourite TV show as a kid?

Casualty and Blind Date

Sam Gubb Fouth year History If you were a superhero who would you be?

What do you mean if?

Starter

Starter

On a scale of one-ten, how nervous were you before the date?

About 5.

On a scale of one-ten, how nervous were you before the date?

Ummmm a little bit but considering I don't normally get nervous that's bad so 5 maybe.

What was the first thing you said? (Bar hello) Predictable, but I think we talked about which course we were studying.

What was the first thing you said? (Bar hello) Wish my memory was that good.

Main Course

Main Course

Did you check your watch during the date? If so, how far in?

About an hour and 15 mins into it.

Did you check your watch during the date? If so, how far in?

Yeah, but couldn't tell you at what time.

Did you text anyone during the date?

No.

Did you text anyone during the date?

No, that's just rude.

What was the most awkward part of the evening?

After the talk on Feminism, whether I should pay for my own drinks or let Sam pay!

What was the most awkward part of the evening?

The beginning bit before we got a chance to start chatting.

Before tonight, if you met your date on a union clubnight, would you have gone over and chatted them up?

I'd have to say no.

Before tonight, if you met your date on a union clubnight, would you have gone over and chatted them up?

Ummm hard to say, don't tend to really 'chat people up' that much!

Dessert Did you get a kiss at the end of the evening?

We did the whole friendly kiss on the cheek thing.

Did you exchange emails/phone number?

No, but we're both on facebook (of course).

Would you like to see your date again?

It would be cool just to bump into him and say hi as a friend.

Give your date a mark out of 10

7/10

Fancy taking A Shot in the Dark at finding that perfect partner? Email blinddate@gairrhydd.com and Little Miss Blind Date will work her magic.

BLINDDATE@GAIRRHYDD.COM

Dessert Did you get a kiss at the end of the evening?

Well, I kissed on the cheek, does that count?

Did you exchange emails/phone number?

Nope.

Would you like to see your date again?

Might be nice to bump into her out and about!

Give your date a mark out of 10

6/10

A Shot in the Dark offers a variety of dishes, available throughout the day. Tasha ordered a potato, cheddar and herb pie while Sam tried the chicken and bacon panini. You can find A Shot in the Dark at 12 City

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THE FINAL WHISTLE

What Price The Prem Jack Zorab on one of football’s hottest topics – ticket prices

W

hen you pay twenty of the Queen’s finest to see Gareth Barry, Stilian Petrov and John Carew ply their trade against Everton, you’ve got to ask yourself two questions.

Firstly, why can’t every English Premiership club make tickets available around that price, and then, why oh why has a club as big as Aston Villa not achieved one iota of success in the last ten years? The answer to the latter is what prompts the former.

The Villans have not been at the top of the English game for years, perhaps this could be indirectly due to the value they place on their fans consistently being able to buy a reasonably priced ticket to support their team. Consequently they have lost out on revenue that could have been spent on strengthening their squad.

Their competitors meanwhile consistently overcharge their fans. All for what? To revamp the hospitality suites in an already perfectly adequate stadium, or perhaps to sign the latest well-marketed striker, with two left feet, an appetite for the early hours and a mysterious southAmerican owner, who is likely to yank his player out of a contract half way through the season on the grounds that ‘he can’t settle in the area’.

One such club that continuously comes under fire in this debate is Chelsea, and rightly so. Chief Executive Peter Kenyon bleats that lowering all ticket prices by £5 would leave the club out of pocket by around four million pounds over the course of a season.

Alternatively he could shave £3, 344 off each first team player’s salary per week - pittance to the

players. He could even stop being so utterly brainless in paying extortionate transfer fees - every club in the world knows the form when Chelsea comes-a-knocking for one of their players: double the actual value and add two million (2V + 2 for the algebraists amongst us). I mean is Andriy Shevchenko really worth £30 million?

Chelsea aren’t even the worst offending club; that badge goes to Tottenham Hotspur. Whilst they’re doing more than their bit in nurturing young English talent, doing their bit for the fan in the street they most certainly are not. For a grade C ranked match (consisting of Spurs and one other from the bottom six Premiership clubs and everyone in the leagues below them) you can expect to pay anything from £27 - 42.

Now, the only reason why 27 quid to watch Spurs play Sheffield United (I say ‘watch’ but you’ll probably only catch glimpses of the action from your seat tucked away in the highest corner of the

They have lost out on revenue that could have been spent on strengthening their squad

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ground), doesn’t sound like a total rip-off is that £27 is actually at the low end of the market.

When you compare that

with the price of a football ticket on the continent though, it highlights how much English fans are short changed. For example, the cheap tickets (directly behind the goal) for a match between Fiorentina and Roma in a 4th plays 5th clash to decide the final Champions League spot for Serie A last season cost 18 euros (about £12). The most expensive tickets were only ?24 (£16).

Money well spent considering the quality of the respective teams.

Turning back to Aston Villa however, English football has a model whose prices should be matched by all Premiership clubs. On top of their ‘Villa value’ days, where every ticket is £20, Villa are also offering a package for the last five home games of the season where for £90 you can get a ticket to see them play Portsmouth, Wigan, Everton, Sheffield United and Liverpool.

Football is a business. Sure. It’s one that is very hard to make money out of overall but pricing fans out of the market is not the answer. Cut down on salaries, reduce the number of coaches, even take away goal bonuses for strikers paying someone twice for the same job doesn’t make great business sense. But mess with the fans at your peril, as without them, football is nothing.

Garry Barry: Priceless?

SPORT@GAIRRHYDD.COM

TELEVISION

T unnel Vi s i o n TV Will No Skin off my back. Groan.

R

ight. So it’s time to finally exorcise my daemons, after dancing around the subject for approximately five weeks I must confront the matter…how do I actually feel about Skins? I am assuming that due to the quite ludicrously sized advertising campaign that preceded the show all of you have seen the programme and thus I need give no definition of it’s contents.

This aforementioned campaign was partly the reason for the initial gag reaction that every one had to the programme, Episode one quite simply didn’t cut the mustard. There were three real problems I could tell: the acting wasn’t particularly great, the lead character was bit of an arrogant cock and most of all, above everything else, there was almost no nudity.

Now this was unforgivable. I had accepted that it would probably be un realistic, and too cool for school but I would have bet my mother on the fact there would have been at least one blow job scene. I was disappointed to say the least. However I continued watching the following week, not so much out of interest as curiosity and like all well-written shows it began to grab me, stick it’s claws In and one day I woke up looking forward to 9 o clock thursday evening.

Now how did this occur I ask myself, surely I’m supposed to hate this show..I think what initially annoyed me about the show was

After the first episode I hurriedly ran round all my friends asking “that doesn’t happen at 16 does it?

Please say it doesn’t, pleeeeeaseeee. What have I MISSED”.

Anyhow now that I’m an avid watcher and a proud TV writer I will try and examine it academically without bias. The acting isn’t great, I mean, it’s not Arnold Swarznegger in Kindergarten Cop bad but it isn’t good. This alone isn’t enough to make me switch over though, it’s a forgivable mistake, the parents however, annoy me silly.

The writers have obviously consciously decided to make them cliché’s and I can’t really see why (for example the Arabella Weir acted mother who doesn’t bat an eyelash as her daughter declares “my boyfriend went down on

Russia was almost like a mix between Road Trip and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, it seems Skins is an urban fairy tale set in Bristol. And what really annoys me most about all this is that I don’t give a fuck, I love it, I hate it, I love it again. One second I will be shouting at the TV with the built up rage of a Welsh psychology teacher and then I will be cheering at the magnificence of the writing, declaring at one point “this is perhaps the greatest TVs how of the 21st century”.

I also absolutely love Chris, you know…the sweet druggie one who’s boning the psychology teacher, he’s a cheeky bouncy fellow who wears bright colourful fresh prince inspired retro clothing. The bottom line is I’m watching it and I enjoy it. Is it ‘technically’ good? I don’t really know or care. Skins shouldn’t be one of those dirty things you people don’t want to admit to watching (a Naked Witch Project if you will.

Channel Five, Friday Night). If you watch it, you like it. Deal with it.

I was extremely bitter that my life wasn’t like that at 16

TELEVISION@GAIRRHYDD.COM

another guy while I watched”.

Brilliant).

It’s a mistake indicative of the show, which is as follows. One moment Skins will try and be hard hitting and the next it will be an almost Carry on esque parody.

One moment a Muslim will be discussing the trappings of identity, culture and friendship, the other he will be freeing a Russian beauty from her father/husband, rope ladder in one hand, cock in the other.

That one episode set in

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