Quench - Issue 62 by Cardiff Student Media

THE

Sex

ISSUE

contents : Issue 62 - 11 February 2008 SLUTS & PLAYERS?

The one night stand has always had a complicated relationship with student culture. Amy Harrison speaks to students to find out whether we really can enjoy shame-free casual sex, and has some interesting answers.

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VOYEUR - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.04 DEBATE - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.06 SOFIE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.08 FEATURES - - - - - - - - - - - p.09 GAY - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.16 FASHION - - - - - - - - - - - - p.16 INTERVIEWS - - - - - - - - - p.22 INTERVIEWS - - - - - - - - - p.27

FUTURE SEX Meeting people has never been so easy... or so confusing. Hazel Plush delves into the murky depths of Second Life to witness real sexual fantasies causing chaos in a virtual world.

GOING OUT - - - - - - - - - p.31 TRAVEL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.22 ARTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.34 FOOD - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.36 FINAL WHISTLE - - - - - - - p.38 BOOKS - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.40 MUSIC - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.41 FILM - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - p.49

COVER: 1 of 2 exclusive shots of Britain’s Next Top Model winner Samantha Gerrard by Yolanda Kingdon

Editor Ben Bryant Executive Editor Amy Harrison Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan Arts Amy Grier, Tasha Prest-Smith Blind Date Hazel Plush Books Tom Williams Cult Classics Gareth Mogg Debate Aisling Tempany Digital Dom Mukwamba-Sendall Fashion Jo Butler, Mary Parkes Features Gillian Couch, Chris Rogers, Jim Whiteley Film Sim Eckstein, Will Hitchins Food Kath Petty, Daniel Smith Gay Andy Tweddle Going Out Lucy Rowe, Amelia Thomas Interviews Michael Bateson-Hill, Lucinda Day, Annika Henderson Music Kyle Ellison, Francesca Jarvis, Si Truss Travel Jim Finucane, Kirsty Page Photography Sophie Pycroft, Ed Salter Sub Editor Graeme Porteous Proof Readers Laurel Burn, Kayleigh Mackenzie, Elaine Morgan, Aisling Tempany,

voyeur

{Voyeur

} ....

Soprano Strumpet!

PHOTO: AMY HARRISON

s if students aren’t saturated with sex already. As if we aren’t bombarded by smut on a daily basis. As if we aren’t struggling to live up to media representations of a 21st century University life of booze-fuelled debauchery. And now Quench comes along with a sex issue; a thinly-veiled excuse to print some naughty strumpets and confirm a few student stereotypes. How very predictable. Writing about sex is not easy, if only because it’s the most overwritten topic ever. So what can students say about sex that hasn’t been said before...? For one thing, we can try to shake stereotypes. When Amy Harrison began writing her article on one night stands, she probably didn’t expect to uncover such a massive gender divide. Casual sex isn’t always as liberating as Skins would have you believe; it can still be a pretty cold, lonely experience. Other writers push the envelope by talking frankly and honestly about their own experiences. Rich Brown bravely gets to grips with the art of self-pleasure, while Lucinda Day and Annika Henderson find out just how polarized different students’ attitudes to sexuality can be. Naturally, we would be doing ourselves a disservice if we didn’t inject a little humour and emphasise the more bizarre, grotesque aspects of sexuality. Tom Woods probably needs a therapist after his visit to the GUM clinic. And Hazel Plush is pretty much out there on her own in an expose of virtual sex which is, frankly, too freaky to be believed. Whether you’re doing it or not, sex will always be an integral part of student culture. And no, we’re not predictable; we are diverse, surprising and, occasionally, kind of weird. BB

04 / voyeur@gairrhydd.com

Dear Amber, I’m writing to you about an experience that I suffered the other evening which was extremely confusing. I was out with the lads down on St Mary Street one greasy Saturday night. We were a bit drunk and in high spirits generally, and decided to visit a few of the more obscure bars to track down some poontang. We ended up in a basement somewhere surrounded by girls, and I couldn’t believe my luck when one of them grabbed me by the todger and told me to lead her back to my place. Naturally, I obliged, and after a steamy heavy petting session I was soon peeling off her rat sling. At this point things started to go wrong. Not content with a quiet bof, she felt the need to burst into an operatic overture, singing in perfect soprano tones. Although I was quietly impressed, it did freak me out a bit and now my housemates refuse to talk to me, convinced that I was torturing the mucky little deviant. What can I do Amber? Yours, Rhydian Jenkins, Victoria Hall. Dear Rhydian, I am sorry that your oral skills aren’t up to scratch, but if you can’t face rutting in rhythm you really shouldn’t be doing it at all. I hope this helps, Amber xxx

Kebab Cock! Dear Amber, I’ve just moved into my new house on Beford Street, and the new surroundings seem to be causing some nambulist chaos. In my old house, the front door, luckily, was fitted with a lock which I couldn’t open when asleep. Now, however, I am able to get onto the main street through my bedroom window. Don’t ask how. My sleepwalking used to be a constant source of amusement to my housemates, but on Thursday, at approximately 3am, I walked into Chicago Bulls, flopped my schlong onto the counter and said ‘Shish this’! Luckily, the Kebab Man at the counter did not comply, so my John Thomas was safe, though my blushes weren’t. I am doubly annoyed about the events because my housemate followed me and took pictures. Please help me, Amber. Yours, Les Chamber, Roath. Dear Les, Try donning a pitta bread before you hop into bed. Cockchops! I hope this helps, Amber xxx

Amber Duval

Answers

your letters

Aryan Arousal! Dear Amber, Has anyone complemented you on your lovely hair yet? It’s lovely. Anyway, my problem is this. I like to dress up. I know what you’re thinking, A. D.: ‘Ooh, another saucy one! Likes his girlfriend to climb down his fireman’s pole while dusting down his big shiny helmet.’ Well, not quite. Y‘see, I like to dress as a Nazi Franz Pfeffer von Solomon (leader of the SA, 192630, just to be specific). I’m not racist, but I love the feel of the brown tweedy wool on my gonads and the swastika goes really well with my Hush Puppies. I even have the regulation undergarments. It’s getting harder and harder to conceal my Stormtrooper secret - one of my housemates recently commented that she found a stick-on moustache in the washing machine. I was so embarrassed and flustered that I told her it was only my girlfriend Eva’s merkin. Now she gives her funny looks everytime she asks to borrow her comb when she stays over. Do you think I should admit to my problem or should I try to reich this one out? I don’t want to start a war!

“

Hello girls, boys and in-betweeners! Amber Duval here. I must say, I’ve been rabid with anticipation over the arrival of the sex issue. Goodness, I’ve had such a dull winter what with only the occasional fresher around to fondle my pants salad, and nothing else to do but sit in my mansion spending my millions on online bingo and rating hopeless posers on hot or not. At the peak of my boredom, I’m sure I could hear my dear departed Ernie’s whimsical chortles wafting from his urn. He used to get bouts of ejaculatory giggles, the silly old wanker! Still, he was a lot more normal than this catalogue of oddities asking me for help. Toodle-oo!

Yours, in desperation, Luke Waffer, Roy Jenkins Hall

“

.....

voyeur

Dear Luke, Well, to be honest I didn’t think you sounded the sort to dress up like a fireman, you presumptuous twat, but I will do my best to help you regardless of this faux pas. I understand your embarrassment at wanting your girlfriend to wear a merkin, but I can assure you that a lot of men like hirsute women - any bog-standard porn site will tell you so, so rest assured. As for your attire, I think you’ll find that dressing like a Nazi is quite tame compared to most of the costumes you will witness at Rubber Duck on a Wednesday night, and you’re not nearly as ‘alternative’ as you clearly so desperately want to be. If you really want to be edgy, I suggest my friend’s burqa key parties. I hope this helps, Amber xxx

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debate

CASUAL SEX VS COUPLES

It’s a dilemma students always face. Singles get lonely and cou night stands are thrilling but coupling is fulfilling. Is there a reso

’m not sure how exactly but I have developed a really big problem with couples. And I know what you’re thinking. Jealous much? But actually, not at all! It’s more a case of “Oh my god, PLEASE stop talking about your boyfriend/girflfriend. I know you have one so you don’t need to bring them up in conversation all the time” Casual sex then is definitely the way to go if you want to retain any element of social interaction, and if you want to be able to maintain a conversation without the other party wanting to slit their apparently sad, single wrists. As long as you’re safe, and well protected of course, casual sex is the most fun you can have. And the most fulfilling. When we eventually reach the sex-free winters of our lives, a long time in the future, when it’s difficult to raise our eyebrows let alone an erection, it would be much more satisfying to look back and regret the people that we did rather then the people we never did. It also doesn’t help that eventually sex in a couple becomes so routine and so monotonous that all the moves and motions can become so timed and repetitive that the act of sex becomes nothing more then a two-person race to orgasm. And who wants a sex life so contrived that they can potentially fit their orgasms around ‘Neighbours’? Not me, that’s for sure. There is very little point to sex if it’s not exciting. I sincerely doubt that coupled copulation is nearly as much fun as spontaneous stranger shagging. So let’s hear it for singletons for once, rather then having to put up with that sanctimonious shitty saying “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone soon!” Who says we’re looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with anyway? I’m happy on my own. Someone to just sit on and straddle will do nicely for now, thank you very much! James Moore

06 / debate@gairrhydd.com

sex is not all about “Insert Tab A into Slot B”

debate

uples get frustrated. One olution...?

shan’t get all puritanical on you here and tell you casual sex is slutty or wrong… all I’m saying is that it’s not as good as couple-sex. It lacks all the things that make sex great: trust, intimacy, love. You might put this down to silly female whimsy but I know plenty of men who think the same: sex is not all about “Insert Tab A into Slot B”; it’s more than just the panting and moaning. It’s intimate, the amount of power your partner has over you when you’re on the edge of orgasm is huge, it has to be in the hands of someone you trust. When you’re in a relationship you’ve got time to get to know each other, both in and out of the sack. A one-night stand means just that, a one-time thing. Unless you’re very demanding, your new sexmuffin has almost no chance whatsoever of knowing all your little kinks, what gets you melting under their touch and what sends you running for the hills. It’s an almost exact recipe for ‘Unfulfilling.’ No time to experiment in the kind of environment where little slip-ups here and there in your quest for Tantric satisfaction can be forgiven and laughed off. And if you’re open to new things and there’s chemistry, sex in a relationship never needs to get old and stale; you don’t need to sleep with a stranger to get all the excitement of the unknown, there are hundreds of little ideas out there to prevent that. Okay, so long-term casual sex exists amd some people enjoy having a socalled ‘fuck buddy’. Even that though is a relationship of some form. Whilst your partner and you will have had time to learn what makes you tick in bed, will the arrangement with the ‘buddy’ still give you what a proper relationship does? In my book sex is great, but it’s not much fun without a bit of love to back it up. Lianne Wilson

spit or swallow ?

Andy Tweddle is frank about the etiquette of oral sex

ince the dawn of time man has been pontificating over one incredibly important question; to swallow or not to swallow? Either way, you’re pretty fucked. If you spit, then you’re a prude; if you swallow, you’re filthy. So which is it? Spits or swallows? If erotic novels set in the Regency period have taught me anything, it’s that swallowing a guy’s spunk can be incredibly erotic. It’s all about maximising his pleasure, tasting his seed and drinking all of him in etc. But what about your pleasure? Why should he have all the fun? There’s nothing quite so harrowing as those five seconds after he’s come and you’re just sitting there with his sperm splashing about inside your mouth as you decide what your next move should be. It’s very hard to make the swallowing look sexy. Nine times out of ten, you’ll make that particularly unsexy face as you down the stuff. I recommend turning away or bringing something shiny to distract him with. There are some ways of improving the experience. When Hollyoaks used to do those late night editions I remember one time this girl said that if you eat a lot of fruit then the spunk doesn’t taste so rank. But then she fingered herself in the middle of a club in the same episode, so I don’t know how reliable a source that is... Having been both a recipient and a supplier, it’s ultimately a case of context. If you can see yourself actually seeing this guy you’ve deemed worthy of sucking off again, then swallow. It can be one of those stories to tell the grandkids. If this is a short term affiliation, spit the spunk. It’s not worth the aftertaste. There’s no doubt about it, chugging a hefty portion of the white stuff can be massively gross… but I reckon I’d rather be filthy than a prude.

debate@gairrhydd.com /

n o s n i k n Sofie Je

sofie

“Sex is the biggest nothing of all time”

When Andy Warhol said these now immortal words, was he actually onto something?

offing. Banging. Screwing. Humping. Copulating. The horizontal bop. The old heave-ho. Getting laid. A good old rogering. To hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Hanky panky. How’s your father. Knockin’ boots. To smash it up. Bedroom dancing. Four-legged frolic. Hide the ferret. Grease the wheel. Jump your bones. Lay some pipe. Peel your best end. Roast the broomstick. Shake the sheets. Ahh yes, there are many words in the English language for good old sexing. But this doesn’t seem to make it any easier for the majority of the population to talk about. Men and women have been making and breaking up over sex forever and the word “communication” is bandied about left, right and centre. It seems that us humans are a lot better at falling between the sheets than we are at discussing the act in question. As everybody loves to point out, overanalyse and write about (ahem), sex is everywhere. It’s the thing that splits the population into two camps (biologically and, some might argue, mentally), it sells things, it motivates actions, it impacts upon emotions and it changes lives. Andy Warhol isn’t the only person to have reflections on the carnal act, but his is a rare view. Sex is generally considered to be one of the most important things around, but does the fact we take it all too seriously mean it has been blown out of proportion? If we actually break it all down, maybe sex is just a bit of a non-event. The first time I was sat in a room with my parents when a sex scene came on telly I was a beetroot-red tongue-tied mess. But this bears no comparison to the colour I turned when I was sat in a room with my boyfriend’s parents and the same thing occurred. In this situation the only way to cope is for all parties just to presume that no one in the room is having or has ever had sex. And this very basic problem seems to boil down to the fact that, although sex is everywhere, it very rarely gets talked about in an honest and candid

fashion. It is probably because it makes us plain uncomfortable to talk about but if it is something that we all do then maybe we should be better at discussing it. Possibly the best example of this is the BBC3 programme, Sex…with Mum and Dad, which sits teenagers down with their parents and a psychiatrist and sorts though the sexual “problems” that are occurring – such as casual sex, cyber sex, very strict rules about not having sex etc. It is quite refreshing in the sense that these young folk are working through their ‘sexual issues’ by talking them through with their parents and learning about the experiences they have had. Parents tend to lead by example. As as is often the case on this programme, the behaviour of the parental units can reflect on how an individual behaves. By leaving so many things unsaid, it seems that more unhealthy practises seem to occur. Being open about sex seems to be put into perspective. Charlie Brooker once described having sex with a skinny person as like being attacked by a deckchair; so he seems to have truly appreciated the hilarity of the situation. When you’re all naked and rolling around like a couple of angry stick insects you have simply got to be tickled by the sense of humour of whoever invented sex, one of the few things we actually have to do as a human race to survive. Being able to laugh about the whole thing is invaluable, it makes talking about it easier, whether it be with a partner or a parent. It gets you through those moments when playing forfeit pass the parcel on your birthday and you have to perform your favourite sexual position in front of all your friends, your parents and a shed load of family friends. So maybe it isn’t a “big nothing” but maybe it isn’t the big serious ‘everything’ we think it is either. And let’s face it, between the flailing limbs, potential injuries and the fact that tthe nobody’s downstairs area is a Picasso painting, you just have to laugh don’t you?

If we actually break it all down maybe sex is just a bit of a non-eve nt

08 / sofie@gairrhydd.com

features

SLUTS AND P L AY E R S ? > > Amy Harrison gets students to share their one-night stand experiences and finds out their opinions on casual sex.

“I’ve never had a one-night stand… I’d quite like to. They seem so EXHILARATING and EMPOWERING. But maybe I’ve just watched too xhilarating and empowering” - or at least that’s what TV and films would much Sex in the City” lead you to believe. Beautiful man picks up beautiful woman and takes her home to his (female, 22) luxury apartment. The two strangers have mind-

“E

blowing sex; she wakes up the next morning looking immaculate. She calls a taxi and leaves without looking back... and without any regrets. But this is Cardiff and we are students. Onenight stands couldn’t be any more different.

“It’s always a relief to wake up in the morning and see a condom on the floor.” (male, 19) Alcohol and one-night stands go hand in hand. Alcohol provides the perfect excuse the morning after the night before to legitimise all behaviour from the previous night. In a student culture, which is heavily preoccupied with drinking, it is unsurprising that casual sex is a result of alcohol consumption. Without alcohol, the whole affair of a one-night stand changes. Without alcohol, having sex with a total stranger becomes much more difficult to legitimise; it

engages in a far greater social taboo. The issue of onenight stands raises a variety of arguably hypocritical and out-dated responses, but throughout all this is the easy excuse: alcohol. Being drunk acts as an easy way to overcome guilt and regret. An overwhelming amount of males I spoke to blame their beer goggles for more than just the fact that they have a one-night stand: “I’ve pulled some absolute mingers, there was this one bird, the lads gave me a lot of banter about her, but I was drunk so it didn’t matter” (m, 21). Among the females who regretted their one-night stand experiences, the line “but I was drunk” regularly rounded up their comments to justify their behaviour.

features@gairrhydd.com /

features

“I’ve never had a one-night stand

sober… I don’t think I ever could” (m, 20)

As alcohol invades our bloodstream, common sense decreases and both men and women place themselves in potentially vulnerable positions. With one-night stands the dangers are high. Sexually transmitted diseases are one danger. When you pick Joe Random up in a club, you have no idea who he is or where he has been. But of course, when you are under the influence, condoms may not be the utmost thought in your mind. Personal safety is another consideration that is cast aside too easily. When you take a guy or girl home, they could be anyone and could have more sinister intentions than a quick meaningless screw. Some people I spoke to had a somewhat naïve outlook: “I would never go home with a guy I met in town. You could end up waking up anywhere or going home with anyone. In the Students’ Union it’s not a problem because everyone is a student” (f, 21). Maybe you are slightly safer in the Students’ Union, but such assumptions are easy to make and could all too easily unravel to be untrue.

any respect

“I don’t have for the girls I’ve slept with” (m, 21)

Safety and alcohol aside, matters of one-night stands really start to get provocative when you look at the gender split in attitudes to one-night stands. Hypocritical, derogatory and ‘out-dated’ sexist comments come to light. Out of the males I spoke to, few had positive comments to make about their female conquests: “If they’re good in bed, then you know they’ve been around” (m, 20), “You can always tell the girls who are up for it, you can just tell from the way they dress and their attitude” (m, 18), “I’d never take a girl to meet my parents who I’d had a one-night stand with” (m, 20). But these comments didn’t come from males who were apparently chauvinistic. One male reported on one of his experiences: “This girl came home to mine once… I don’t know what she was expecting, but she refused to have sex with me. So, I didn’t say a word and I took off all my clothes and lay on my bed. I started to toss myself off. It didn’t take a lot she couldn’t resist and I got my own way” (m, 20). When I asked this person if he thought this behaviour was sexist or degrading to the female, he replied: “She wanted it, and I got it.” Upon turning the subject round onto themselves the majority of males got defensive. “It’s different for a bloke” was repeated by several males. The hypocrisy of such sentiments reinforces ideas of patriarchal dominance. Notions, which we are often led to believe in our society based on ‘equality’, that are extinct. But it wasn’t just males who revealed overwhelming feelings of disrespect for females who took part in one-

10 /features@gairrhydd.com

night stands. The responses of the females that didn’t approve of one-night stands also revealed archaic values. “None of my friends have ever had a one-night stand. None of us are like that. We have sex with our boyfriends, but when we are single we don’t go out looking for sex. I suppose, we just aren’t that type of girl” (f, 21). The girls who do go out and have one-night stands were pigeonholed not only by males, but also by females as terms such as “that type of girl” were bandied frequently around. Just as males spoke of having little respect for girls who slept around, many females shared this sentiment. “When my best friend from school told me she had a one-night stand at university I was really disappointed

features Despite the comments that stigmatise women who ‘sleep around,’ three females spoke about their experience of one-night stands being liberating, empowering and “a lot of fun” (f, 21). These girls acknowledged the shameful feeling that social sensibilities tried to impose on them, but unanimously showed no guilt or regret. “Guys don’t feel ashamed so why should I? Girls have urges as well as guys” (f, 20). Recognition of the hypocrisy that exists in casual relationships was the overwhelming factor in refuting the stigmas that are more commonly upheld. Sex and the City was also repeated amongst these girls: “Sex was made to appear liberating again and I wanted to share that feeling of liberation” (f, 21) .

“He was

such a

player. I just loved it” (f, 22)

in her. I lost a lot of respect for her. She said she did it because she was drunk. I think she really made a big mistake that she will live to regret” (f, 20). Although these degrading comments appear to represent the voices of the majority of males, they still do not seem to stop some girls from partaking in casual sex.

“I love walking away the next morning. It makes me feel

liberated,

independent and brings out the Girl Power in me” (f, 22)

There was a real sense of indulgence in the passion of these casual affairs. “I know someone who complained that the sex on a one-night stand just wasn’t fulfilling and that it didn’t really compare to sex with a long-term partner. I can sort of understand that, but it is really exciting with other people. My trick is not to get too drunk… sex is never going to be amazing if you’re both so off your face that it just becomes a mess of flailing limbs, that goes for longterm relationships as well as casual sex” (f, 20). Despite all the negativity that builds up against girls who openly indulge in one-night stands, those girls certainly seemed to buck the shame that others try to impose. And their argument is strong and realistic - why can guys get away with it when girls can’t? Perhaps female sexuality is still a slightly taboo subject that society is still not prepared to recognise. The attitudes towards females that partake in casual sex are fairly unanimous, but when you turn the topic round to look at that ‘type of guy’ then the attitudes are very different. Those people who were not interested in one-night stands and had strong feelings against the girls who had one-night stands, surprisingly had no opinions on the males who were equally integral to the casual encounters. It was almost one rule for girls and another for boys. Hypocrisy again. None of girls that had had one-night stands, whether they regretted it or not, had negative things to say about the guys they had casual sex with. “You can tell the players from a mile off. They have this strut and are so arrogant and cocky. They always go around in pairs. One of them is normally gorgeous (and knows it), while the other probably wears glasses or has a dodgy haircut” (f, 19). But despite the arrogance, the girls repeatedly fall for it: “There really is something about their cockiness that is really attractive” (f, 20). The responses towards men were a stark contrast in comparison to the responses towards women. “Girls get called sluts and slags if they sleep around. Guys get called man-whores. But for a guy to be called a manwhore is so very different, it doesn’t seem as cutting

features@gairrhydd.com /

features

or as harsh. When guys are out ‘with the lads’ manwhore becomes a sought after title rather than an insult” (f, 22). The way that one-night stands are perceived makes them a very different matter dependent on sex. The saying goes ‘it takes two to tango’ but although it takes two, the attitudes towards the man and woman that comprise the two are very different.

“Doing the walk of shame isn’t really a walk of

shame is it…? You’ve

laid

just got , that’s nothing to be ashamed of!” (m, 19) Aside from the shame after pulling a “minger” there is little embarrassment experienced by men. Every guy that admitted to having a one-night stand said that they didn’t feel ashamed afterwards. Males who were part of sports teams and clubs commented that it was achievement that was praised amongst the rest of the team. One male spoke of his walk of shame from University Hall to Talybont: “It was the day after the Summer Ball in my first year, I was still wearing my tux. I walked home because I’d run out of money. I got cheers as I walked all the way home through Roath and Cathays and then through Talybont. It was pretty clear what I had been up to, but no one seemed to care, I know I didn’t. Had I been a girl walking home in a ball dress it may have been a very different story” (m, 20). For girls the walk of shame was the worst part of their one-night stand experience. “I’ve only had two one-night stands, and I was very drunk. Both times I got a taxi home. I was embarrassed enough in front of the taxi driver so had I walked home it would have been a lot worse” (f, 20). Once again, an inequality between the sexes exists with regards to the walk of shame: “A guy can walk home looking scruffy and knackered, you don’t necessarily know they’ve had a one night stand. But when you see a girl walking home in heels with smudged make-up and messed up hair, you know what she has been up to” (m, 20). This sort of attitude reveals the hypocrisy that exists.

“I think I kept having one-night stands because I was

looking for something more” (f, 22).

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The topic of one-night stands provokes a variety of responses. But there is one further issue that has not been brought up… Why? Many females spoke about regretting their one-night stands so it is questionable as to why they went about it in the first place. Some girls commented that they never went out with the intention of bedding a stranger, that it was more often a result of too much alcohol and just being horny and single. Even the girls who celebrated the sense of liberation and empowerment from onenight stands commented they didn’t ever intend to go out and get laid that it was just a consequence of a night out. Several females echoed the message that they hoped that they might get more than a one-night stand: “We swapped numbers, but he never text me back when I text him. I added him as a friend on facebook too, but he never accepted it. I wanted something more than just one night, I wanted a real relationship, but I suppose you should never expect anything like that when you sleep with that type of guy” (f, 20). Another girl spoke how she had a series of one-night stands after breaking up with her long-term boyfriend: “I did it, because I could. I didn’t want my ex back and I didn’t think I wanted a relationship, but I look back now and realise all I wanted was someone to be with. Having a one-night stand really wasn’t the best way to find someone” (f, 22). But it was not just the girls who wanted something more than one-night. Some boys openly said that although they acted all bravado to impress team mates, they essentially wanted something more fulfilling. “I had a one-night stand every week for quite some time. Sometimes I would have several one-night stands with the same person. When I went back to girls, it meant that I liked them and wanted more and they were happy to oblige. Nothing serious ever happened with any of the girls. I’m still single now but I’ve stopped having one-night stands. A one-night stand isn’t really good grounding for a long-term relationship” (m, 21). Despite this shared sense of unfulfilment, however, one predictable response just kept on resurfacing: “it’s better than having a wank, and it’s cheaper than a girlfriend” (m, 20).

features

THE DEVIL MAKES WORK FOR IDLE HANDS Is there actually anything pleasurable about self-pleasure? Rich Brown probes himself for answers...

ow that it has become culturally acceptable to discuss masturbation, I thought it was about time someone acknowledged that it is probably the most unpleasant act you can indulge yourself in. Not only is it an admission of defeat, it also leaves you with a complete sense of emptiness after the pivotal moment has passed. All you are left with is a feeling that that really was a waste of time, and surely there must be better things to do in your spare time than constantly remind yourself of your lack of a lover. Of course, how you feel about masturbation is undoubtedly related to your current life situation. As an innocent 15 year old, the Friday night film on Channel 5 was of course your own individual highlight of the week. The ‘softcore’ genre is more than enough to fulfil deprived schoolboys of most of our urges. However once we realise that there is a lot more to sex than a weekly film involving randy maids or bored housewives who soon discover the sexual prowess of the Gardner and actually experience a ‘real’ sexual experience, the limitations of masturbation are apparent to us all. You realise that it really isn’t as great as everyone goes on about and is actually a rather boring and often tedious process. The worst bit about the whole process is that even when you know it is boring and tedious, you inevitably carry on to the end, for reasons best known to yourself. Maybe we continue to do it because it is a bodily urge or because it is socially acceptable because I still haven’t heard a convincing argument for why we all continue to do it, because after a while it really does get boring and is not half as pleasurable as it is made

out to be (I only speak for my experience from a male perspective here of course, I literally have no idea what its like for the ladies) Masturbation is, of course, far more of a necessity if one is single than if one is not. If you are single it turns into your only physical outlet of expressing yourself sexually, yet if you are in a relationship it is, (chances are) only embarked upon if your partner is in non-attendance. I find it rare to overhear conversations of friends who are in relationships passionately arguing the case for RedTube over YouPorn as the superior choice for some decent footage. Rarely do you hear people in relationships saying ‘as much as YouPorn is easy to use, I find it boring after 3 or 4 visits. It just doesn’t offer you the variety of RedTube’. You do occasionally hear people in relationships argue that masturbation offers them a chance to indulge in their own sexual fantasies because ‘they know their own body’, but in all honesty, if you are in a relationship in which moving your hands up and down in a vertical fashion upon your private parts is better than your sex life with your current partner, I really would question whether you should be in a relationship at all. Thus, my point is, masturbation is without doubt a ghastly and depressing act, but we continue to do it anyway. Despite the realisation that it is an inherently depressing act and a manifestation of our singledom, we still scour RedTube for a decent video. Why we do that is beyond me, as all it does is leave us with a sense of emptiness and a terrible mess.

features@gairrhydd.com /

safe as fuck

features

Contraception is something you’ve probably thought about more than who you’ll vote for or what degree you’ll choose. Chris Rogers and Gillian Couch share their opinions on contraception

ou may be surprised to know that there are 14 different forms of contraception. Whether temporary, permanent, or ongoing, there are quite a few to choose from. However, this choice can be a daunting one to make depending on your circumstances. I faced this particular decision several years ago and have since developed my personal views on the subject. Condoms are the most common form when people think of contraception. I think these are well worth their use. Although they’re not 100% effective, they’re not far off, drastically reducing your chances of unwanted pregnancy, and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and are just a good way of practising safe sex. They are easily available, not only from pharmacies and supermarkets, but also from GUM (Genito-Urinary Medicine) Clinics and family planning centres, both for free. However, another form of contraception I think is essential is the combined pill. This is for women to take daily and protects you from pregnancy. While it won’t protect you from contracting STIs, it will hopefully aid PMT, regulate your period and even lighten it. There are many manufacturers to try until you find one that’s suited to you.

GUM clinics are full of professionals who know exactly where to put that big scary metal thing Speaking from experience, I would recommend being ‘on the pill’ and using condoms as a further

14 / features@gairrhydd.com

precaution to feel confident that you won’t get pregnant or catch anything you really don’t want. (Or equally, give someone something they don’t really want…) At least until you’re totally sure you’re not at risk! My last little bit of advice is this: don’t be scared of GUM clinics; they’re full of professionals that know exactly where they’re putting that big scary metal thingy and are going to have seen a lot worse than you could imagine. It’s worth a trip just for peace of mind and to know that you’re not the one putting anyone else at risk. GC

s my co-editor pointed out, there are many different forms of contraception. However, I have chosen to focus on two, one old and one new. Firstly, however, I must warn you that, throughout this article, I will completely put you off the idea of sex altogether by using words such as ‘vaginal’, ‘penile’ and ‘procedure’. So, in order for you to be able to contemplate sex ever again, I want you to read this article in a Sean Connery or Nigella Lawson voice (depending on your preference). There really is no way of describing any form of contraception to you without depicting something clinical and completely devoid of sexiness. So, grin and bear it. Here we go... The vaginal ring is the newest form of contraception and consists of a flexible, transparent ring, roughly 2 inches in diameter and about 1.8 inches thick. It contains the hormones estrogen and a progestogen and is inserted into the vagina, which you do yourself, and is apparently very easy. Keep thinking sexy thoughts, because

I’m not finished yet. The ring stays err, up there, for three consecutive weeks, during which it releases a steady low dose of hormones, which prevent pregnancy by stopping the release of a mature egg. After the three weeks, you remove the ring to make way for a menstrual period. Then after a 1-week break, a new ring is inserted and procedure starts over.

I’d like to issue a stern warning against the Durex ‘Tingle’ condom The second form of contraception I’m going to tell you about (in a sexy Scottish accent) is the condom. But we all know what the condom does, where it goes and how it gets there. So, instead, I’m going to discuss a couple of different types. Firstly, I’d like to issue a stern warning against the Durex ‘Tingle’. If you’d like to endure the penile version of the sensation you get when a football hits your bare and numb leg during a Sunday football league game in the middle of Winter, then maybe this is for you, but if not, then avoid this altogether. What I would recommend, however, is the ‘Mates Ultra Thin’ range. Slightly cheaper than the Durex version, it is thinner than the average condom, providing a more ‘natural’ feeling. I feel my work here is now complete, I have given you a new contraceptive idea as well as informing you about which condom to use, what’s more, I’ve managed to keep you aroused, whilst talking about safe sex. Quite a feat, I feel. CR

features

UNDER THE INFLUENCE Madonna’s got balls when it comes to sex, Gillian Couch explains...

“O

ops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex”, is a particularly memorable line from Madonna’s Human Nature. While this song was aimed towards her critics and makes the point that she has “no regrets” absolutely clear, in doing so she made one of the sexiest videos ever… in my opinion, anyway. Released in 1995, the choreography alone stamped all over the prudish boundaries of its time. The implications of S&M and bondage are clear, with leather cat suits and whips, but not in a scary, fetish way. Instead, the video plays with these themes, using very talented male and female dancers. When I first saw the video I was awestruck. Not for the sexual content, seeing as I was about eight, but for the dancing, I thought it was incredible – and I still do. If you’ve never seen it, I recommend you do. It shows Madonna from the days when her songs made a point and defied society, the days when Madonna was definitely not afraid to utter the word ‘sex’. Another controversial song was Erotica. This was released in 1992, a day earlier than its counterpart: the book Sex. Despite being so controversial, Sex sold 1.5 million copies only three days after

its release. For me, the book was something of mystery for many years. Remaining in its sealed cover, I wasn’t allowed (and quite rightly so,) to look at it until I was much older, and so it maintains its enigmatic status amidst our somewhat more ‘PC’ books. Just think how daring she was to write such a book. What impresses me the most about Madonna’s relationship with sex is how classy it appears. Despite the leather, the bondage and the photography, only Madonna could pull it off in such an intriguing way. Who else could write a book called Sex with a metal cover and a sealed sleeve? In our society, sex is almost something that is frowned upon and spoken about with disdain. This notion is ridiculous; perhaps we need more Madonna-esque controversies to make this topic less… well, controversial. It is, after all, just human nature.

features@gairrhydd.com /

gay

OVER DOING IT...? Sex, sex, sex. Sick of it yet? In an age obsessed with notches on lube tubes, Andy Tweddle talks about not doing it.

he entire concept of being gay is heavily defined by sex. Back in the day, gay sex was outlawed but now the feds are cool with same-sex eye contact and similar. Because of this, a lot of us singlesomethings seem to be making up for lost time and getting on with people who simply aren’t worth it. Imagine, if you will, any gay club around the country on a Saturday night. How many cosmic love connections do you reckon will be made over the course of the evening? If I’m in this club, I’m pretty much guaranteed to fall temporarily in love with someone who drunkenly slurs promises of love, commitment, and good sex at me. Elated at finding the perfect package, I’ll head back with him. The next day, I’ll wake up. The first thing I realise is that I’m still drunk. The second is that I’m naked. Look to my left, and there he is. Did he really have that many spots last night? What is this duvet cover about? And where the fuck am I? Awkward conversation ensues, I scramble for my clothes, I say I’ll text him and then I leave. And that will probably be the last thing I ever say to him. Celibacy is something that not much of us want to do. You probably don’t want to do it. I massively don’t want to do it. Fact is, unless you’re a Mormon or suffering from a severe bout of herpes, after reading this issue, no one’s going to want to not do it. But sometimes I think, for myself anyway, that maybe I should cut down just a little bit. I’m a stickler for spending the morning after a tryst-free evening whining about my lack of sexual prowess. But when I actually end up

16 / gay@gairrhydd.com

pulling, what do I have to show for my past record of successful hookups other than a few good stories to file under ‘I Have Never’? Should I have got on that guy with the lazy eye? Was that drunken fumble in my friend’s hot tub really worth it? Once, a good friend of mine gave me the biggest compliment I’ve ever received. After a bad break-up he told me that, despite my situation, he imagined it would be easy to fall in love with me. No one had to take their spanky pants off, but receiving this compliment was better than any orgasm I’ve ever had. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great and I absolutely love it. But when you find someone who loves it as much as you do and can grow and develop and experiment with you, it makes me want not to shag someone only nearly adequate. I’m not going to whack out the classics like ‘One in seven gay men has caught Chlamydia off a dirty dildo’ or anything, but I think we as a collective should maybe chill out and get to know each other first. John-Paul and that gay priest are keeping their trousers on for the time being, but we all know that when they finally get round to doing it, Jesus, it’s gonna be off the Richter scale. For the time being, I think I’ll have to approach each opportunity with care as and when it arises. Adopting a strict criteria when observing potential bed buddies seems like a good idea in theory, but a gay’s got to eat. I propose you look back to your last non-solo orgasm and ask yourself if you can better it. Mine was alright, but I reckon there are some improvements to be made.

fashion

PHOTOGRAPHER: SOPHIE PYCROFT MODEL: HANNAH PYCROFT

SEXY IS... fashion@gairrhydd.com /

fashion

..BOLD, BRAVE...

18 / fashion@gairrhydd.com

fashion

AND BACK fashion@gairrhydd.com /

blind date

FUTURE

SEX

]B<_)q(

>> R

) )

evelations in online dating, DIY porn sites and even the ambiguous Facebook ‘poke’ have come and gone. The new craze in internet naughtiness is the magnificently seedy world of virtual sex. You’d be forgiven for ignorance into how this actually works (believe me, I was), but the distorted spoils of interactive online shagging tell an interesting story.

That story started nine years ago when internet programmer Philip Rosendale created Second Life, an online game in which players could create and control their own individual characters. His mission? To ‘connect us all to an online world that advances the human condition’, of course. Not just to add inspiration to thousands of sticky keyboards the world over. But those cyber

geeks, while not necessarily experienced, certainly had a fair amount of imagination. As the game developed it transpired that ‘advancing the human condition’ couldn’t be achieved without a bit of sexy time. And so, my friends, Rosendale & Co. gave life to the pioneering online geeked-up shag fest.

<] _( >>

blind date

Players construct and control ‘avatars’, computer generated people much like those on The Sims computer games. They’re formed using ‘skins’, or templates, and users are free to create their ultimate fantasy being. One drawback, however, is a distinct lack of genitalia. By playing on every user’s need to create a flawless alter ego, the Second Life bigwigs let you purchase your prize possessions. And the more you pay, the more you get. Partner companies such as getxcite.com offer all kinds of highly inviting ‘attachments’, from the X3 cock (with free optional foreskin and over 50 different ‘accessories’), to the X3 clit (compatible with ‘watersports’, you’ll be pleased to hear). X3 nipples with a ‘lactation add-on’ increase the fun, but for the discerning individual

there are hermaphrodite genitals and interactive fetish feet. In fact, even the serious freaks can get involved as ‘skins’ aren’t limited to the boring old human form. Oh no. If it floats your boat you can be an elf, dragon, panda, demon, anything. Like I said, these geeks don’t lack imagination. But what’s the point of having all these pricey dangly bits if you can’t use them? This is cyberspace, right? Worryingly, it seems that for all our clean-minded, innocent selves, there are a thousand gutterbrained cyber-shaggers, all looking for new ways to get their rocks off. And the average horny geek loves spending a little freaky time with Seami Bignorks, your friendly neighbourhood avator. But in-game sex isn’t for the faint-

hearted. Or, indeed, the slow typer. Whilst players can control their avator’s interactions by clicking on numerous buttons and commands, it’s also possible to augment the image with a little dirty text. As the droll alter-ego of avator Midori Akami points out, ‘everybody’s the same size in 12-point-type’. Inevitably, just like in real life, sex goes hand in hand with money. In order to participate in Second Life, you’ll inevitably need to shell out some cash. With the game’s currency, the Linden Dollar, players can purchase land, houses, clothes and everything else the self-discerning avator could possibly want. Handily, these dollars can be exchanged for the real thing (L$250:1), but players can also make their own money through the expansive ‘in-world’

( marketplace. Private businesses and, more recently, large corporations, offer their services. But the oldest profession in real life is also the biggest business in Second Life. Reuben Steiger, a top dog in the Second Life financial consultancy, estimates that a whopping 30% of the virtual world’s economy is from sex-related business. Prostitution, slave workers, sex clubs and the like form a lucrative seedy underworld in one of the internet’s most popular games. Apparently, all this rather unsexy multitasking of typing, clicking and getting freaky isn’t the strong point of your average rampant avator. It seems all those baldy computer programmers would prefer to pay for a bit of online action: harder, faster, and without all the spelling mistakes, thank you very

much. Luckily, Second Life boasts hundreds of sex workers who’re thoroughly willing to provide the services for a few Linden Dollars. ‘Tiffany Widdershins’, a Second Life madam, owns a successful virtual brothel. She explains that her online bordello allows people to play out fantasies: a place that guys and ladies do the stuff that they secretly want to try in real life, but likely never will’. She claims that it has no ‘real-life consequences’, preferring instead to dwell on the success of her business. Indeed, as a fledgling Second Life company it’s going well, with escorts paying her L$500 – 1500 per online session and L$1000 per month to use her ‘Luvrags’ brand name. If Widdershins chooses to offer her own expertise to a client then she

can expect anything upwards of L$5000. On the other side of the screen, however, this perky-breasted cyber whore is a semi-retired florist, who sees a potential opportunity to make some real dollars. ‘I looked to see where the best fit was for learning the economy here without any real skill sets,’ she says. ‘I am here to make a billion real life dollars, and I am just crazy enough to think it can be done.’ Like everything in life, however, computer game sex is best when there’s something to plug in and play with. And it seems Kyle Machulis, another one of those geeks with an overactive imagination, has come up with the goods. Obviously a unique man, Machulis claims that he only joined the site to ‘test’ some software. Ah, hang on a sec, it

blind date

EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER FANTASISED-FROM JUST L$100

<{B]q was actually teledildonics software. My mistake. I’m sure if you use a little imagination you can figure out what teledildonics actually entails, but hell, I’ll tell you anyway. Once just a geeky fantasy, clever computer thingys allow remote users to control, well, ‘dildonics’. And yes, compatible machinery is supplied with a USB cable. So soon Second Life players the world over will be able to get pleasurably acquainted with not only all the little avators but also their real life alter egos. And boys, don’t fear, there’s a male piece of hardware if dildonics ain’t your thing. It resembles a cup and although everybody loves a good innuendo, don’t ask me the ins and outs of it all. So all this online virtual shaggery is great, right? Healthy for the mind, and as other people get involved too, it won’t make you go blind. It seems not, however, as all those freaky geeks and bored housewives have taken it another step too far. Again. One man who isn’t enjoying the spoils of Second Life describes how his wife has left him to pursue her

online dalliances. Preferring to remain anonymous, he says, ‘My wife is now talking nightly to a man she had a Second Life relationship with. Now she claims that they are in love and she wants at least three more months alone to “see if it will work out”.’ This isn’t the only example of players falling for each other. A recent BBC documentary told the story of Carolyn, a married mother of four, who is intent on leaving her family for the creator of an avator that’s caught her fancy. It seems the power of the virtual dream and a little of that geeky imagination can tear marriages, and lives, apart. Another dark side of the already shady world of Second Life is the presence of child pornography. Monitors have noted suspicious activity known as ‘ageplay’, in which avators with a child ‘skin’ take part in sexual fantasies and roleplay. Users in America are protected from the law as virtual child pornography is not deemed a punishable offence, but last year German investigators uncovered strong links between ageplay and the real thing. To their credit, the creators of

Second Life have pledged to crack down on the presence of sex-related business and ageplay, but can a game which is so dependent on its darker side survive without it? Advertising revenue, business deals with partner companies, and the power of the horny geek support this global phenomenon; without them, the utopian world of Second Life could fall to pieces. Cybersex has made Rosendale & Co. their millions, but it looks like it’ll soon turn round and bite him on the bum. And that’s not everybody’s cup of tea.

If you prefer your shenanigans a little more, well, normal, we’re offering a swanky Valentine’s dinner worth £50 at Hard Rock Cafe for you and your love bunny. For the chance to win, email blinddate@gairrhydd.com and tell us why you think you deserve it.

ANCED PLEASURE

blinddate@gairrhydd.com /

interviews

Lucinda Day and Annika Henderson raise the taboo subject of SEX with two opinionated individuals

Let’s talk about S E

X Anon, 21,

C hristian.

::::::::::::......................

:::........................

it is Western culture in general that has gone sex mad

What are your views on sex before marriage?

Sex should always take place in marriage. God created sex, and it is therefore good. It is not only for pro creation, but develops intimacy between a man and a woman. Out of the marriage context it is destructive.

In what ways is sex destructive outside of marriage?

There are both physical, and relational, consequences. The physical consequences are evident all around us. Look at the rise in STDS. The safest form of sex is abstinence.

And what about relational consequences?

People who have sex before marriage do not develop the same level of intimacy as those who wait. Within marriage, people trust each other, because they have built that connection up first. Also, there is no worry about former partners, or jealousy. People who wait till they are married are less likely to commit adultery.

Do you worry that if you save yourself till marriage, it might be slightly rubbish when you finally get round to it?

No. When I do get married it will be someone I whole heartedly love! God will bless our marriage as we have been obedient towards His wishes.

Are you more likely to get married younger out of sexual frustration?

Look, I’m not sexually frustrated. Sex is a good thing. It must be, if God created it! The only way to keep it a “good thing” is to follow God’s guidelines. God will reward you if you choose to honor Him, and save sex for its proper time and place — your marriage.

Is it difficult being a virgin at University?

I don’t think it’s just University culture; it is Western culture in general that has gone sex mad. The media is constantly telling young people they should be having as much sex as possible with as many people as possible. There’s nothing wrong with looking at things slightly different. Sure, I don’t have sex but I have a boyfriend I adore and a lot of other things to be enjoying – for now anyway!

24 /interviews@gairrhydd.com

How many times a week do you have sex? It depends on the week…

Your average?

0 point…in a good week, one!

Which factors determine a good week?

interviews

::::::::::::..........................

I’m single, I don’t have a partner or anything, but I don’t think I’ve ever had sex with more than one partner in one week.

Where do you go to pick up in Cardiff?

I generally go to Gay places…Pulse. There you’re guaranteed a pull. The quality of that pull though…well it’s not always guaranteed.

What about club X?

I once had sex with my then boyfriend in the back of his mum’s car…while she was driving.

...........::::::::::::::::

It’s dead, it rests.

Do you have a pulling outfit?

A tight t shirt or something…but there’s the walk of shame to consider, you know? You walk home the next day from God knows where ‘cos you don’t have enough money for the bus, and you think I never want to do this again in my life.

What’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever done?

Off the top of my head…I once had sex with my then boyfriend in the back of his mum’s car…while she was driving.

What’s the morning etiquette with a one night stand?

You always have a morning lecture. Kiss at the door for politeness’ sake. Leave the house and delete their number straight away.

Do you always take them back to yours?

I prefer them to be at mine…it’s the lighting. Definitely the lighting.

What’s your view on virgins?

Live and let live. I’m cool with virgins. One of my best friends is still a virgin. I was lucky enough to lose my virginity to someone I really cared about. A lot of people aren’t that lucky.

Would you go back to Talybont?

Dare I go back to Talybont! Probably not. I mean if we’re at the Union we’re closer to mine anyway and then we’re laughing. If I went back to Talybont I think I would probably kill myself.

::::::::::::..................... Andy Tweddle, 20,

Quench Gay Editor.

interviews@gairrhydd.com /

interviews

So what really goes on at the GUM clinic? Lucinda Day encourages one esteemed Sexual Health Co-ordinator to, er, spill all... Any bizarre experiences in the clap clinic? Last summer, a female patient was in with the doctor. As she came out to leave, another woman barged through the waiting room, past various staff members, and punched her there and then, whilst exclaiming ‘that’s for sleeping with my husband!’

four for some strange reason. And yes, what’s her name, Lauren, off the Catherine Tate show? Well, I’ve experienced various ‘ am I bovered though?’ whilst dealing with patients. Have you ever been attacked in the clinic? Only verbally. Never physically.

And thankfully not sexually! What keeps people entertained in the waiting room? Out of date Heat magazines, circa 2002. Back when Britney was still sane. Oh and for those that can’t read? Local radio. Eek. How quickly can patients expect to

q'DYLG &DPHURQ ZRXOGQpW NQRZ ZKDW VH[XDO KHDOWK ZDV LI KH &DXJKW FKODP\GLD r Have you met any particularly interesting people in the clinic? Well, I can tell you that the characters from Little Britain and The Catherine Tate Show exist for real! I’ve dealt with various Vicky Pollards. In fact, they come in on a daily basis. Usually in packs of

26 / interviews@gairrhydd.com

be seen to? In England, all patients must be seen to within 48 hours. The Labour government introduced this by law in 2002. Wales is slightly different, as they have a different health system. In England though you are always within your rights to be seen to within 48 hours, never forget that!

interviews Which political party have the most effective sexual health strategy? Well, Labour were the first party to even have a sexual health strategy. So fair play to them really. They introduced the Sexual Health Act in 2002. Unfortunately, as with all areas in the NHS, the money disappears, it goes to other things such as the hospital trust. Saying that, the Lib Dems do not really have any strategy at all. And David Cameron

or you’re having some of the sex. Diseases such as Chlamydia, G, and thrush can get treated immediately. We take a swab, and put the sample under the microscope there and then. Most of our clinics offer a same day service. Another swab is sent to the lab, and the results are confirmed in a week. Then we diagnose treatment. It all depends on the individual clinic of course, but generally we are pretty quick if

tions (STIs) such as syphilis, gonorrhoea, genital warts, and chlamydia, HIV and AIDS,cystitis (bladder infection), and other infections of the genitals, such as thrush. You can also come in for contraceptive advice, including emergency contraception and free condoms. Some clinics may also fit cervical caps or diaphragms, and provide cervical smear tests. Our workers offer advice and counselling on a range

q (YHU\RQH VKRXOG KDYH D VH[XDO 0 2 7 LI \RX DVN PH LWpV QDVW\ RXW WKHUHr wouldn’t know what sexual health was if he caught chlamydia! The question is, would you sleep with David Cameron? How often should the masses get checked out then? Every time they get a new sexual partner. You take your car for an MOT? Well, everyone should have a sexual MOT if you ask me. It’s nasty out there… And what if, heaven forbid, we’ve got the syphyllis? Well, it really is important to get to the clinic if you have symptoms,

you do have something. So who really is at the greatest risk of catching STDS? Anyone who HAS SEX. Sure, there are higher risk groups such as gay or bisexual men, those from high risk African states, Eastern Europe or Asia. But the point is, in this day and age, any of us that are getting laid are at risk. What services does the GUM clinic provide? GUM clinics give you tests for sexual and urinary health problems, such as sexually transmitted infec-

of sexual health issues, and provide support if you are having an HIV test, or if you have been diagnosed as HIV positive. Don’t forget either that if you visit a GUM clinic, everything that is discussed is completely confidential. Your GP will not be told about your visit, and you do not have to give your real name if you do not want to.

>> Turn over for one man’s GUM clinic adventures...

q,pYH GHDOW ZLWK YDULRXV 9LFN\ 3ROODUGV ,Q IDFW WKH\ FRPH LQ RQ D GDLO\ EDVLVr

interviews@gairrhydd.com /

features

‘YOU’VE LOST THAT LOVING FEELING’... ... ‘Ring of Fire’ and ‘Bleeding Love’ would provide an apt sound track for the

GUM clinic waiting room crossed legged, awkward wait the dose of likes to reveal the details of their trip to the

giving that eyes-down,

IRONY Clap Clinic

it needs. Still, no-one .

No-one, that is, except Tom Woods...

his alarming discovery came after a week of sleeping on my side due to the gigantic swelling that emerged in the gap between sack and crack that I had previously thought non-existent. There is a certain degree of abnormality that any lad should be able to put up with, but when Calvin Classics had received their fourth rinse during an episode of Football Focus, I was furious. Over a cup of tea, I casually mentioned my predicament to a housemate, who immediately asked me if I had slept with anyone new recently. My mind snapped back to the previous weekend, when an evening at the theatre had resulted in my short-term girlfriend dragging me indoors for a splash in her friend’s bath water. I knew just about enough from living with a Chemist that this could spell trouble, and asked as calmly as I could what to do next. Turned out that if I wanted to live, I would have to get in line at the Royal Infirmary for 7 a.m. the following morning, and hope for the best.

It looks like Hogwarts from the outside, but entering this clinic reveals a world of squeaky white floors and nurses sat eating biscuits, looking you up and down trying to guess what you’ve been up to. Across the hallway, a young student wearing a caving society hoody (the deeper, the wetter, the better) gives me the eye and crosses her skirted legs, which I find ultimately refreshing. I enter the interrogation room where a burly nurse takes down the personnel, locations and positions of my recent sexual activity, responding to each answer with an inquisitive “Mmm”. Having closed the clipboard, she takes out a tray of syringes and blades and, with a wry smile, asks if I might lie back on my chair. As I do so, she snaps her hairy fingers and an enormous woman steps lightly from behind a curtain, and with a knowing smile, positions herself at my feet. Her compatriot, with expert efficiency, loosens my complicated button fly, and gasp as, with a violent jerk, I am finally

“I faintly resemble a wad of Play-Doh in her fist...” 28 / features@gairrhydd.com

exposed. I faintly resemble a wad of Play-Doh in her fist as she rams a 6-inch steel rod into the source of all my trouble; “Just like gutting a fish”, she says to her giggling friend. This may seem a strange time to be asked to touch yourself, but my two attendants make it plainly clear what the bowl they are handing me is for. Trying my best to think of a Tomorrow’s World-era Gail Porter, I squeeze out enough to satisfy my watching carers, and am asked to wait at reception. An hour passes, until I am summoned by a receptionist who, without taking her eyes from her Jackie Collins, tells me to expect a call within 3 months. No news, she reminds me, is good news. A good 100 days have since passed but I cannot help but feel that, to have made a complete recovery, I shouldn’t still be pissing solids.

going out

ROMANCE AT THE CHECKOUT...

and other stories

So you’ve tried every club in town and you’ve still not found “the one”. Amelia Thomas and Lucy Rowe suggest that maybe you’re not looking in the right places At the supermarket

Aside from love, the most basic human need has got to be food. So where better to feed your face for the week, and maybe even provide for your other needs? Finding that potential soulmate in that ‘oh so long queue’ is a likely possibility! Discuss your Tesco Finest products and woo that unassuming stranger over for dinner. The supermarket earns a 10/10 in bagging a random lover - you have plenty to talk about, so no excuses!

At the traffic lights

You could be late for lectures and annoyed with the amount of vehicles getting in your way. But think rationally - about love! Turn the situation into something positive by turning to the Mr/Miss next to you. This is an excellent opportunity to show off the amazing you and deserves a 7/10. If you want to pull this umber off It all depends on if you have 1) the guts and 2) the ability to overcome

annoyance.

In the lecture

In the gym

Ladies, you’re in luck. We have it on good authority that the lads over in Engineering are desperate to see a real live woman. Take them out into the daylight that they’ve heard exists outside of the engineering labs! So put them out of their misery and sneak into one of their lectures. They’ll be bowled over, trust us. And guys, do your bit too! If you’re stuck in a course that’s mostly blokes, get yourselves to a Humanities lecture soon. Just follow the Ugg boots in the afternoons.

A world away from the clubbing scenes, let the ‘au naturel’ you shine via a visit to the gym. Girls, it is common knowledge that men dislike the overdone look. And men, it is the stereotypical macho man that women want! So, get on down to the gym at Park Place this instant as it deserves a winning 10/10 in the fight to meet Mr/Miss Right.

In the library

Although you’re not meant to talk, when it comes to this case, breaking the rules won’t hurt. Pretending to be lost/in need of finding a book/ working out how to use the photocopier are perfect points for picking out a potential partner. The bringing out of the heroine/hero in you is the way forward and the library wins a 10/10 for enabling this.

But remember: always say no to...

Propositions of group sex on St Mary’s Street during the 2am trek for chips Offers of money by some random in Welsh Club in return for being filmed

goingout@gairrhydd.com /

travel

parisian smut

Paris: French decadence or cheap thrills? Amy Harrison the home of ‘risque’...

he very thought of Paris stirs notions of romance; after all it is the city of love! Even Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw eventually found her happy ending with Mr. Big on the Parisian streets of opportunity - and if it will work for her, why not the rest of us? So when my boyfriend and I got the opportunity to go to the jewel of France, my head was swamped with images of long, lingering walks, candle-lit meals and kissing at the top of the Eiffel Tower. On arrival, our experience of Paris was everything we expected it to be. Fairy lights twinkled along the Champ-Elysees and the atmosphere was warm and welcoming as we booked into our quaint hotel. The city proved to be completely indulgent, with so many amazing sights to see, from the gothic Notre Dame Cathedral to a boat ride along the

30 / travel@gairrhydd.com

Seine River. But the highlight of the trip, the event we were most looking forward to was definitely going to see a show at the legendary Moulin Rouge. The theatre was most recently popularised by Hollywood director, Baz Luhrmann and seemed to embody the decadence that all visitors to Paris want. I could just imagine Tom and me, gazing into each other’s eyes whilst Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor sang Elton John’s ‘Your Song’ in the background. The reality of the show, however, was quite a different story. From the outside the famous windmill glowed invitingly and as we were led inside to our table a free bottle champagne appeared - things were definitely looking up. But as the lights rose up in the famous theatre it became clear that romance was not the order of the

day. A line of buxom beauties made their way onto the stage kicking their legs as high as they could go and it wasn’t the familiar tune of the can-can that got the crowd’s undivided attention. From the waist up the dancers were completely starkers, our ‘Night in Paris’ had become slightly more reminiscent of the Hilton version. Throughout the crowd people uncomfortably shuffled in their seats as the breasts bounced in front of us. Now, the can-can is definitely a risqué dance so maybe this is only to be expected, but when a pool of water containing a semi-naked woman and a snake rose from the floor it became clear these Europeans don’t hold back. As the lady in question swam into flexible positions and wrapped herself around the snake, I admit I was a little shocked. Looking across at

travel

SEX -FEST

ival

Kirsty Page provides a round-up of some of the best festivals around the world Kinky Copenhagen

gives her verdict on Tom I could see he felt the same way, until I realised his look of shock was mixed with delight the men in the crowd had given up hiding their joy! After a while you couldn’t help but laugh. The array of boobs become part of the show and only made the cheesy music more humorous - perhaps helped along by the empty bottle of Champagne. Was the Moulin Rouge the provocative show I’d imagined it to be? Definitely not. Could I see Nicole Kidman setting foot onto the small stage with her chest on display? I doubt it! On this occasion the typically sexy destination of Paris became one of great comic value, and one I’m sure Tom would recommend.

Berlin Love Parade July sees this historic city come alive with 1.5 million pleasure seekers who dance the night away to celebrate love, life and hedonism. With mottos including ‘Love is everywhere’, ‘Love 2 Love’, and ‘Live the Love’, this festival might be for those who just want to have fun without feeling the need to crack a whip every five minutes.

Nudes A Poppin’ Pageant Head to Indiana in July and August to witness America’s finest beauty competitors in the buff. Held in the Ponderosa Sun Club, the contestants partake in a series of exotic dancing and exhibitions while, of course, showcasing their intellectual abilities As they compete for the crown and title of Miss Nude you’re guaranteed far more than a promise for world peace.

Every October, the streets of Copenhagen fill with strippers clad in latex and leather, brandishing whips to embrace their sexual culture. Head to Denmark if you’re looking for more than just a pastry...

Kutemajrvi Sex Festival For the more academic, head to Finland this July to hear lectures on all aspects of sexuality from the professionals. You might just learn something new. Or if you’re a girl, enter the Afrodite contest and compete for this prestigious honour.

Hot d ‘Or Famous for its sophisticated film festival, Cannes holds another ceremony of a very different genre during May. Welcome to the Oscars of porn. With categories including Best Supporting actress, Best Adaptation and Best Screenplay, there’s sure never to be a dull moment at this festival.

travel@gairrhydd.com /

that makes yo ART From the raunchy Renaissance to the naughty-nineties, sex and the arts have been inextricably linked. Amy Grier defends the claims that brand art as porn

scar Wilde once said, ‘It is the spectator, and not life that art really mirrors.’ With this in mind, what does the changing nature of art over the years, say about attitudes to sex and sexuality in those societies which bore its production? In the Renaissance, art became a cipher for society’s glorification of masculinity. Perhaps the most famous purveyor of this was Michelangelo, who, if he was ever a subject on the Freudian couch would probably have been analysed as an early indicator of the way art functions as an outlet of physical and sexual repression. His most famous sculpture, The David (1508) is a monolithic marble idealisation of male aesthetic beauty. Both sexual and virginal, The David perhaps symbolises Michelangelo’s own inscrutably private (but also notoriously homosexual) sexuality. More importantly, it also encapsulates the 16th Century predilection for chaste and semi-androgynous - except for the statue’s huge marble penis of course - masculinity. A little bit of artistic licence lets me skip a few hundred years, briefly: Neoclassicalism (reinventing the golden oldies), Romanticism (nature, love and harmony) and Impressionism (light, dark, brush strokes blah blah) right up till Pablo Picasso brings sexy back with Cubism and the abstract movement in the early 20th Century. When asked about the relationship between art and sex in his work, Picasso replied enigmatically, ‘they are the same thing.’ This synonymy of art and sex is perhaps literalised in his work in the way he morphs and distorts the human form, making it simultaneously erotic and grotesque. His painting of five French prostitutes, Les Demoiselles d’Avignon (1907),

and his sketch simply named Phallus and Nude (1903) typify the eroticism of Picasso’s art. Perhaps Picasso was influenced by his foreign contemporaries: Aubrey Beardsley was famed in the late 19th Century for his drawings of enormous genitalia, and Hans Bellmer, who made life-size pre-pubescent dolls, also blurred the boundaries between art and sex. Considering Wilde’s prophetic statement in the light of this 20th Century artistic revolution, perhaps suggests that by analysing and enjoying art, the viewer becomes a sexualised voyeur – complicit in the fantasy that inspired the work itself. In the late 20th Century, voyeurism was brought to a new level. The swinging sixties were also the shocking sixties in the art world, spurred on by bohemian legend, Andy Warhol. Warhol’s short film unceremoniously entitled Blow Job (1963) does exactly what it says on the tin - 41 minutes of fellatio from an unknown source to a handsome and unspecified male only visible from the waist up - now that’s what I call a head-shot! I am forced to gloss over the 70s and 80s (basically a lot of drugs and sex) jump to the nineties and the eponymous Tracey Emin. In 1995, Emin exhibited Everyone I have ever slept with, a tent with the names of everyone she has had sex with embroidered on the inside in big patch work letters. A few years later, as a runner up in the Turner Prize competition in 1999, Emin offered My Bed, her own unmade bed, complete with used condoms and blood stained underwear. Cathartic or crazy? Sexual exhibitionism gone mad, or a political statement about the commodification of sex in the modern world? Whatever your opinion,

ou go OOOOH

arts

Emin certainly proves that sex sells; My Bed wa

bought

by the

Saatchi gallery for

0 0 1 , 0 0 £ 5

Although I am in no way comparing Michelangelo and Tracey Emin (although they do share very similar moustaches) they and their art are both products of the society which raised them. The androgyny of Michelangelo’s St John in the Wilderness and St John the Baptist could have been controversial in the 16th Century, just as Tracey Emin’s My Bed was controversial in 1999. If art is a product of the artist’s sexuality, sexuality is culturally manifest and the sexual content of the art itself is a mirror of us, the viewer - do we really have the right to be shocked? Opposite page: Michelango, The David, 1504. This page: Above: Pablo Picasso, Les Demoiselles d’Avingon (1907), Left: Aubrey Beardsely, Athenian women in distress (1896), Right: Tracey Emin, ‘I’ve got it all’ (2000).

arts@gairrhydd.com /

food

COOKING FOR PLEASURE L ooking for a way to entice your lover? While we all know that seducing someone is a lot more complicated than sucking strawberries and waving a suggestively shaped french pastry in their face, we believe that food does have the answer. The trick is not to cook something too heavy, or anything loaded with alcohol, which will result in them sprawling out on the couch most of the night. By cooking a simple and thoughtful meal, you can impress your date and can really have them eating out of the palm of your hand. All you need to do is follow these three steps; make your date a delicious yet easy dinner of pan fried mullet, readily available (and relatively cheap) from the Central Market. Next, a dessert which will well and truly get their pants offgorgeous chocolate fondant, oozing with a sumptuous chocolate sauce and finished off with ice cream. If you’ve succeeded with that then with any luck they’ll still be there the next morning, so cook them a breakfast to remember of scrambled eggs. This truly is the way to your lover’s heart, and hopefully other areas too...

step 1:

This is an easy dish to make and quite pretty with the pink fish. You can prepare most of it in advance too. Leaving plenty of time to appreciate your lover.

You will need: 2 fillets of Red Mullet, or four if they’re very small. Scaled and pin boned, from the market. Some new potatoes, depending on your appetite. A handful of french beans, peas, mangetout or broad beans. Olive oil The zest and juice of 1 lemon, Roughly chopped flat leaf parsley. Salt and pepper.

34 / food@gairrhydd.com

Pan Fried Mullet with potato and bean salad Method: Put your cleaned potatoes in a pan. Cover with cold water, add a tea spoon of salt and bring to the boil. Simmer until they slide off the end of a small knife. Whilst they’re cooking, mix the lemon juice, zest and olive oil in a mixing bowl. Check it for seasoning: it should be quite tart because the potatoes are not. When the potatoes are cooked, drain them and leave them to cool slightly so that you can slice them into rounds or long quarters, whatever you like. Then toss in the dressing. Bring a pan of salted water to a rapid boil and cook your beans in it until they just have a bite. Spoon them out with a slotted spoon and plunge into cold water. Repeat for

peas or broad beans, if using. You can make the salad now or drain the green veg and leave till later. Just don’t refrigerate the potatoes and don’t mix the beans with the dressing till the last minute or they’ll go grey. Heat a frying pan with some olive oil until it shimmers. Season both sides of the fillets and slide them into the pan, skin side down. Cook until 75% done, pressing down gently if they start to curl up. When 75% cooked, flip over and take the pan from the heat. To assemble the salad, toss the warm potatoes with the beans and parsley. Check the seasoning. Then spoon the salad onto the centre of the plate and place the fish, skin side up, on top of the salad or just to the side. Drizzle with any left over dressing.

step 2: Chocolate you will need:

50g unsalted butter, and extra to grease 2 tsp cocoa powder, to dust 50g good-quality dark chocolate, in pieces

Fondant

hot, simmering water and stir chocolate until smooth. Leave to cool for 10 minutes. Whisk the egg, yolk and sugar together thoroughly until pale and thick, then fold in the chocolate mixture. Sift the flour over the mixture and

food

gently fold in, using a large metal spoon. Divide between the two ramekins (you can refrigerate them now if you want) and bake for 12 minutes (15 if refrigerated). Carefully turn the chocolate fondants out onto warmed plates and serve with vanilla ice-cream.

1 egg 1 egg yolk 60g caster sugar 50g plain flour vanilla ice-cream

method: Heat the oven to 160C/ Gas mark 3. Butter two ramekin dishes or cups and dust with cocoa Melt the chocolate and butter slowly in a small bowl, over a pan of

and (if you’re lucky...)

step 3: Scrambled Breakfast in bed is always a nice touch and the king of these has got to be gently scrambled eggs on toast. Buy the best eggs you can afford. A couple of extra pennies for free range or local eggs will make all the difference to your breakfast and to the chickens that laid them. Two eggs per person is good. Crack them into a bowl and whisk in a little milk using a fork. Crack some black pepper in but don’t add any salt. That would break the eggs down and make them runny. Now heat a small saucepan on a medium heat, so that a knob of butter gently foams in it. If it’s too hot, just take it off the heat before adding the cold eggs. Allow the eggs to start to cook on the base of the pan for little bit. Using a spatula or normal metal spoon, stir the cooked egg off the base of the pan. Carry on stirring now for a minute or so. When you can see the egg beginning to thicken, take the pan off the

Eggs

heat. There shouldn’t be any welded to the bottom of the pan. If there is, change pans. Now pop your toast in the toaster. Get back to your eggs. Put them back on the heat and don’t stop gently stirring them, making sure to get into the corners. You’ll see the egg start to get thicker and thicker. You should be aware that the eggs will continue to cook with the ambient heat of the metal pan. So cook them till they’re just under how you like them, then take off the heat. Now butter your hot toast. At this point you could add anything to the eggs, like smoked salmon, chives or little bits of cooked bacon; even truffle oil if you’re feeling really rich! But this will stop them cooking. Check the eggs for seasoning with salt and consistency. Spoon over the hot buttered toast and enjoy.

food@gairrhydd.com /

food

...and if that doesn’t work, you could try some of these: (...or not!)

Oysters O

ysters have long been thought of as, and are perhaps the most famous aphrodisiacs. It is thought that their high zinc content increases sperm mobility. But let’s face it, that isn’t the real reason they are believed to arouse the unsuspecting male. Many aphrodisiacs are so called because

their shape resembles certain body parts. Take, for instance, a banana, a carrot or an... avocado. Oysters are slippery, suggestively shaped, and when you slide them down your mouth provocatively, they’re bound to arouse something, even if it is your wallet. Whether oysters are truly an aphrodisiac or not, two things are certain, your date will surely know what’s on your mind, and they do make a good appetizer.

Asparagus... ...H as long been considered an aphrodisiac because of its phal-

lic nature. To be realistic though lads, if you’re comparing yourself to an asparagus you’re going to need more than some boiled veg to get your lover interested in slurping your Hollandaise sauce.

There is no proven link between these woody vegetables and sexual performance. But they will make your wee smell funny. The actual act of eating them could be provocative. But then if your lover is seductively licking the tip of their asparagus, they’re probably in the mood already.

Chocolate A hh wonderful melt-in-themouth chocolate. Capable of relieving stress, and generally making everything seem good again, it can ignite passion into any relationship and is ideal for pleasing your lover, if, that is, you’re willing to share any of it. Is it an aphrodisiac? Well, the jury’s still out on that one. It is thought to have been used by Aztec

men as a drink to enhance their sexual prowess, and it has recently been claimed that chocolate can stimulate Serotonin and act as a mild sexual stimulant. But frankly, aphrodisiac or not, it still tastes delicious, whether it be in bar, body paint or cake form, just make sure it’s the good stuff, and there’s plenty of it!

The Spanish Fly

36 / food@gairrhydd.com

his is the name given to a powder made from this emerald green blister- beetle, neither Spanish or a fly. It contains Cantharidin which irritates the urinary tract and causes inflammation and swelling in the genitals. Slip this in your boyfriends drink and he could be standing to attention for a good few hours. But this can cause priapism. Which could

lead to thrombosis and, in really serious cases, may cause gangrene. Which means amputation! If all that hasn’t put you off, over do it by a couple of milligrams and you’ll kill him. This is a seriously misunderstood drug (dangerous for both men and women) and has been the cause of many deaths due to drink spiking.

SEX IN SHORTS

final whistle

Sex and sport have a close relationship in the media. Harmless fun, or a clear moral line that can’t be crossed? Matt Cutler finds out.

he words sport and sex go together like Posh ‘n’ Becks. (Gives a nicer image than ‘Oedipus Rex’ does, when you’re desperately trying not to think of your mother when someone asks you to get down and dirty). But the new breed of rhyming slang is indicative that, quite literally, ‘sport’ and ‘sex’ are two words that have become intrinsically linked. In the media-frenzied world we live in, as long as distinguished sportsmen and women hit the back pages, sports stars and varying aspects of sex within their lives will hit the front pages. It should be no surprise that the highly-paid, highlytoned and thus highly-desirable players find themselves in the spotlight. As a result, sex scandals are hot gossip, and sex symbols in shorts well-published. Is this phenomenon inoffensive tabloid fun and a sign of the times? Perhaps. On the most part it is harmless; the inevitable consequence of the rise of the ‘sports personality’. But when issues of sex stray from the monogamous, accepted principles of Joe Public, a line is crossed from which there is no return. Immediately the mind infuses

with tabloid gossip. Either it’s that big-boobed babe canoodling with the Premiership’s hottest new talent, or it’s his nicely oiled 16-pack making mouths water by advertising fashion’s stylish new underwear. David Beckham’s numerous advertising campaigns are the perfect way to make companies, using a mixture of high-profile sport and sex appeal, to sell their product. Wear the underwear, pull a bit of Posh, become Golden Balls for a day. Sex sells, particularly when it’s the nation’s best-looking footballer. Unfortunately, the sex-sport relationship does not always go smoothly. Building a player up and then coming down on him like a ton of bricks is a classic media tactic. Sex is the perfect medium to do this through. Take the case of Micah Richards: upcoming England talent and developing role model for youngsters. Until allegedly, he was caught on a camera phone having a threesome in a disabled toilet. The examples so far have been consenting and, dare I say it, harmless fun. But sex and sport is a serious matter when a line is crossed. And when this happens, understandably there is a moral backlash. It is at this point that sport and sex be-

gin to split apart, like a lexicological divorce in a marriage that was until now going so well. Sport cheated and there was no turning back. The most recent and prominent case of this came out of the Manchester United Christmas party. Defender Jonny Evans, a formerly low-profile youngster, was accused of sexual assault after the annual festivities. The police received a 999 call from a 26 year-old woman, claiming she had been raped by the Northern Irish international. Once again, the truth behind what happened is a moot point. Although only allegations, the Evans’ treatment is indicative that any sex and sport story makes great news: the reality of the media in the world we live. They are all too willing, not only to jump at the chance to portray footballers as sex symbols, but also jump on any deviance from respectability to bring down a backlash. The rape-scandal train-wreck ruins careers and shows admired sporting icons in the worst light possible. But as long as people have sex, and as long as sport is the nation’s favourite past-time, sex and sport will be bosom buddies that help the media-train roll on by.

sport@gairrhydd.com /

rewarding bad books

Sex isn’t always great... especially in fiction. Tom Williams teas highlights from runners up in The Literary Review Bad Sex in Fic

ad sex scenes are ruining books. Well, that’s what the esteemed literary magazine Literary Review believe. And, for the past 15 years, they have held a lavish awards ceremony naming and shaming well-respected authors, presenting the writer of the worst sex scene with a cheap, crude sculpture of a naked woman strewn over a book. Their aim? To highlight embarrassing, pretentious and downright crap sex scenes with the intention of discouraging other authors thinking of penning that difficult part of their novel from resorting to the easy options of clichés and rubbish imagery. The Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction Awards are often seen as a light-hearted antidote to the sometimes prudish Booker Prize, and indeed there have been crossovers from the Booker shortlist to the Bad Sex shortlist, but an author has yet to achieve the honour of winning them both in the same year. I’ve never been to a high profile awards ceremony, but if I was ever to have the pleasure of attending one it would be the Bad Sex awards. Industry insiders, journalists and the shortlisted authors themselves gather to hear the offending passages read out. Seeing a well-respected author awkwardly shifting in their seat as their ill-judged description of coitus is met with groans and boos must be grand. There lies the appeal of the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards: it is not reserved for those books that line the top of the fiction shelf in motorway service stations, or horrific Mills and Boon titles, but instead focuses on authors otherwise celebrated for their writing. Past winners have included such distinguished writers as A.A.Gill,

38 / books@gairrhydd.com

no knickers, “ Heart CRASH-BANG-WALLOP She had on

and my

went

and my eyes popped out.

She hadn’t shaved, and her fanny looked like a tropical fish or a bit of old carpet.

”

“

Kiara turned head to foot, and put her

MOST UNMENTIONABLE PART d o w n

on his hard breathing nose

and took his

old battering RAM

”

into her lips.

d sex

ses us with some ction Award Sebastian Faulks and Tom Wolfe. The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards are designed not to pour scorn on awful writers, but to point out that even the best of the best have their flaws when it comes to putting sex on paper. The most recent winner of the dubious prize was Norman Mailer for his description of sex in The Castle in the Forest. Having died recently, Mailer is the first author to receive the award posthumously. The offending passage, describing a fictional account of Hitler’s conception contains the not-sopoetic phrasing; “Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips.” Nice. Ali Smith’s Boy Meets Girl was a contender, on account of the pretentious and metaphorheavy passage which reads: “Her hand opened me. Then her hand became a wing. Then everything about me became a wing, a single wing, and she was the other wing, we were a bird. We were a bird that could sing Mozart.” Perhaps my favourite of the competing passages came from Richard Milward’s novel Apples, which contains the immortal “she had on no knickers, and my heart went crash-bangwallop and my eyes popped out. She hadn’t shaved, and her fanny looked like a tropical fish or a bit of old carpet.” So a word to all those aspiring novelists out there – be careful. Being too literal can result in your work being laughable, whilst being too symbolic can result in obscurity and a sense of the overly-manufactured. Even the best out there are resorting to a simple sentence, or in some cases, pure avoidance. Tom Williams

books

reviews THE POOLS/Bethan Roberts (Serpent’s Tail)

ot the most feel good read ever, but, Christ on a bike, the empathy created in this debut novel is truly moving. The story starts with Howard and his wife awakening, still grieving over their son’s untimely death. The book then develops and switches between chapters from Howard’s perspective to Joanna’s perspective, a girl Howard’s son’s age. Howard’s chapters start with him at a young age, the awkwardness he feels for the world around him

and the growing relationship with his wife. Every line throughout the book reeks of dark undertones; a small town is not as safe as it may seem. The awakening of the sexual desires of teens is not just discomforting, but also treacherous. The plot leaves an unnerving feeling in your gut the suspense inviting at you to read on with the language making the events highly real and scarily believable. A read which will leave you rattled through and through. James Rendell

the bibliophile Douglas Coupland Generation X

t’s rare that a novel introduces new terms into mainstream popular culture. It’s even rarer for one such term to spark a legal feud between the largest food chain in the world and the entire English language. Generation X, with its popularisation of the term “McJob”, did exactly that. Savagely cynical, witty and intelligent, Generation X is infused with a prescience that keeps it relevant even a decade and a half later in Dag’s fears, the perverse thrill at the prospect of nuclear war, and the threat of an all-pervasive consumer culture that looms over the characters as they recount tales whilst living in the desert they fled to in order to escape. The format of the novel, as a series of stories told by the characters, gives it an intimate feel in a distinctly non-intimate setting. That it slowly divulges elements of its characters’ backgrounds only

serves to heighten the sense of reward felt with each new nugget unearthed. Coupland is clearly a skilled storyteller (as are his creations), and it’s telling that this is still considered his masterpiece over a decade on. It may be known now for its cultural impact, but Generation X undoubtedly still deserves to be appreciated for its literary merits. Jamie Thunder

books@gairrhydd.com /

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DIGITAL \:101101010SMUT SMUT10100010 digital

0010011001101LOOK_AHEAD_TO_2008 LOOK_AHEAD_TO_2008 0011101101100110100110001010010 1010101010101100010100101010110 Due to a distinct lack of new games after Christmas, Digital have jumped on the bandwagon, grabbed a seat next to the nearest pseudo-journalist and taken a peek at their 2008 gaming previews Star Wars: The Force Unleashed Summer Wii, DS, 360, PS3/2

ooks like Lucasarts have gone all out on this one. It’s been in production since 2004 and,

Resistance 2 Playstation 3

Autumn

t looks as though there will be more than Christmas for PS3 owners to be excited about

if the E3 footage is anything to go by, we might have something spectacular on are hands. In the game you take charge of Darth Vader’s quasi-apprentice (pedantic Star Wars fans do not be alarmed all is explained), and will (if Lucasarts is to be believed) be in control of one of the most powerful characters in gaming history. With the emphasis of this game (as it says) being on massively

exaggerated force powers, you will have the ability to treat inanimate (and animate objects alike) like cats’ play things with a completely new physics engine that looks to rival anything before it. A must buy for people with eyes and thumbs. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is due for release in summer of 2008.

with Resistance 2 arriving at the end of this year. Even if you’re not you can be darn well sure I am. If you played Resistance: Fall of Man, you will know exactly what I’m on about. You couldn’t fail to be gripped by one of the best story driven FPS’s of last year. Building on upon the story and game-play of the first game, Insomniac are promising an unforgettable experience.

An 8-player co-op story driven campaign, along with 60-player online multiplayer support. Stop drooling and start saving now.

Chris Bowering

Liam Charalmbous

digital@gairrhydd.com / 41

digital

Digital Love Smut

Liam Charalmbous takes a look at the disturbing world of Hentai Games Feeling somewhat wrong looking at this site I had a look at the more light-hearted, innocent and western approach that drew their influence from ‘Hentai Games.’

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When your looking at the title of a game called ‘Tentacle Fuck’ two possible things come to your mind

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ow what an exciting article we have for you this week. To be honest, I wasn’t overly enthusiastic but “who knows?” I thought to myself; it could be…I’m not sure interesting is the word for it but anyway... I didn’t really know much about Hentai before writing this article. To the best of my considerably huge knowledge it was Japanese animated porn. I was right to an extent but it does encapsulate more than the hardcore pornographic side. Some of you may be familiar with this particular phenomenon but for those of you who aren’t I’ll give you a quick run down. The Japanese are huge fans of their comics, known widely here as Manga. Hentai is an adult Manga that is sexually explicit and to me, just downright weird! Subjecting myself to researching this beautiful area of the games industry was quite a worrying prospect. My first port of call like so many others of us when researching on the glorious interweb was Google. “Hentai games” was apprehensively tapped into the search box. Clicking the first link I was lead to a lovely site called ‘www.hentaigames.dk’. I’ll be honest, I clicked no further. It takes a lot to disturb me, but when your looking at the title of a game called ‘Tentacle Fuck’ two possible things come to your mind. One, what on God’s green earth is a tentacle fuck? And two, why do I want to find out? I might add that looking at the thumbnail it certainly wasn’t an alternative name for a man’s member!

but I thought it’d be best to let her down gently and look elsewhere. There was also www.mysexgames. com.’ This wasn’t so bad, I found a game that was basically Tetris but with a picture of a scantily clad porn star in the background. To advance to the next level you had to click on blocks in rows of 3 or more and clear the screen. It did keep my attention for a whole 2 minutes but I have to say I think I’ll keep to Waffle Boy Mountain Adventure. “www.onlinegamesector. com.” Go on, give it a go; if you get bored there’s always Sim Girl.

I found a dating game on the AOL teens website, ‘Virtual Date’, I started, chose my venue and a girl to date who bor a close relation to a stick man with long brown hair, named Roxy. The game takes form of a Q&A between you and your date, each taking turns to ask and answer. Given a choice of 3 statements with which you must try and woo your date. If your date likes your response a little heart meter fills up showing you’re gaining their affection. It was all well and good, but I can’t imagine too many girls feeling too flattered at being greeted by ‘hey dude, what’s your name?’ or asking ‘Can you smell something?’ Despite my lack of charm I earned the chance to take her on a second date,

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music

IN MUSIC THIS WEEK

albums:hotchip

musiceditorial

n indie circuits, the term ‘R’n’B’ is mostly considered dirty, scum, the lowest of the low, behind the dance music that haunts the blazing interiors of Liquid and Jumpin’ Jacks. But after a marathon viewing of ‘The Hits Mix!’ and a reminder of the greatness that is the Men In Black theme tune, I’m pretty sure the genre has spawned songs of greatness. Consider Destiny’s Child and ‘Bug A Boo’, ‘Say My Name’, ‘Bootylicious’. Donnell Jones and ‘U Know What’s Up’. The joy when R’n’B fuses with hip hop in the form of Will Smith’s “wickiwicki-wild”, P. Diddy’s ‘D.I.D.D.Y’, Coolio’s ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’

hundredreasons and pretty much anything done by Dr. Dre. Even Usher is guilty; put aside Yeah, one of the most annoyingly overplayed songs that ever did exist, and recall the days of ‘Pop Ya Collar’ and ‘U-Turn’. There’s no denying the magic. Only R’n’B could see the super-couple of Jay-Z and Beyonce team up to remix the story of Bonnie & Clyde and lace it with Burberry and Bobby Brown. Or Justin Timberlake feature on a fucking Snoop Dogg single. Aside from some of the greats, it it perhaps worth noting that R’n’B nowadays seems to do nothing but tarnish the reputation set forth by its predecessors. Rihanna and the Pussycat

live:explosions Dolls are apparently popular with pissed people at clubs, but will these same people listen to ‘Umbrella’ and ‘Dontcha’ in 6 years or so and realistically think it’s a good thing to happen to their ears. The problem with artists like Fergie, Robin Thicke, Akon is that they’re instantly forgettable and ultimately annoying. These songs aren’t classics in the making, they’re just shit. So the next time you get the urge to listen to some R’n’B, don’t be embarassed, make sure it’s worth your time, and most of all, give it a goddamn chance. FJ

loveletters I

Phil Guy declares his undying love for British Sea Power

t’s a commonly known fact that the British Isles spawn strange people, and there is no more perfect example of stereotypical ‘Britishness’ in all it’s quaint glory than Brighton’s British Sea Power. Never mind sex, drugs and rock and roll, Yan, Hamilton, Wood and Noble instead opt for bird-watching, local ales and excellent tea. As well as hosting their own Club Sea Power nights, they have been known to play oil-rigs, coal-

mines and even a tree-house in Norway. On the request of an interview from the NME, the band answered with a grid-reference to identify their location. Personally, as well as the originality of such a rendezvous, I just love the idea of a trendy-journalist-type bleakly wandering through a wood in the pouring rain trying to work a map and finding nothing but their own slow demise, and so this aspect particularly swings my favour. In short, these guys are

fucking weird, and it’s brilliant, especially when you live in times where mindless, generic ‘indie’ nonsense is almost unavoidable. Replace this with bird-song, loads of fucking great feedback, and odes to Yan’s favourite Antarctic ice-shelf, and you have a taste of the quintessential British charm that is British Sea Power, and that keeps me sane amidst the drivel that is the indie music scene.

music@gairrhydd.com /

music

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in for good measure. This is a decision that is no doubt made trickier by the fact that there are five creative minds in the mix. Nevertheless, Doran reveals that being able to communicate with ease on the same wavelength is one of the band’s strongest assets, the key reason why they have been around as long as they have. While it is clear that Hundred Reasons have a considerable dedicated following, along with a fresh new fan base from their

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s the post hardcore outfit gets stuck into a brand new UK headlining tour we have a chat with Hundred Reasons’ Colin Duran to discuss new albums, promotional hurdles and stealing bikes in Copenhagen. New year. New album. New tour. There’s a lot to be excited about but, yet again, the fivepiece find themselves without a label. However, this has not been disheartening by any means as Doran talks of more shows in Europe down the line and putting out new material in one form or another, perhaps choosing to take the route without a label. It’s no secret the band have had their ups and downs along the way, yet there is not an ounce of regret as the singer affirms he has always been happy with the music that has been brought out. Newest offering Quick The Word, Sharp The Action sees Hundred Reasons branching out in a new direction that distinguishes the album from their substantial backlog. With four albums already under their belts, it’s no surprise that fitting such a wide range of material into a single show can be incredibly difficult. In the coming tour, the singer admits the band have been selfish in opting to play their own choices this time round, not necessarily a bad thing as fans can expect a whole bunch of old favourites with some new stuff thrown

they deserve a bloody medal

tour with Enter Shikari last Autumn, Doran confesses: “we know we’re not as big as we once were”, aware that they have not had as much promotion for their albums as they would have liked. Among obsolete albums sales and an over saturated MySpace scene, it would appear that the personal enjoyment of traveling and playing is what Hundred Reasons are all about. A reputation as a ‘touring band’ and highlights are in abundance including festivals from Reading to Japan, noting the vast difference between the two as a higher level of respect meaning one can fall asleep with their phone around their neck and not have to worry about waking up to

a £1500 phone bill. Despite the thrill of playing to a festival crowd, the singer maintains that every show, however big or small, has been thoroughly enjoyable. A comic incident involving theft, bicycles and a Scandinavian country is also mentioned swiftly. Furthermore, such a remarkable touring repertoire has given Hundred Reasons the opportunity to tour with an enormous number of bands, including the likes of Muse and Incubus. How many, say the band, that they get to tour with will ultimately depend on factors such as the size of the tour itself and perhaps more significantly political reasons revolving around booking agents and their mysterious ways. Doran discloses that From Autumn To Ashes for this tour are not a band he would have thought of personally, although says they have been lucky in finding such talented, cool guys to share their newly kitted out tour bus with X-Box luxuries in tow. At the end of the day, they may not have had the best luck in the world along the road but what I’ve found out is that Hundred Reasons are just down to earth guys doing what they love and you can’t fault them. In fact, they deserve a bloody medal. Interview by Amy Walker

music

L I S T I N G S 11/02 - 25/02S MONDAY 11th FEBRUARY Laura Veirs @ The Point

SATURDAY 16th FEBRUARY Sisqo + DJ Flex @ Conti’s

TUESDAY 12Tth FEBRUARY The Hoosiers + The Script @ Cardiff Solus

SUNDAY 17th FEBRUARY Justice + Fancy @ Bristol Academy MONDAY 18th FEBRUARY

THURSDAY 14th FEBRUARY Fuck Buttons + Alexander Tucker @ Clwb Papier Tigre + Space in the 50s + Lights to Lead Us @ Clwb Simian Mobile Disco + The Whip @ Bristol Thekla FRIDAY 15th FEBRUARY Cazals + Cut Off Your Hands + Ox.Eagle.Lion.Man @ Barfly

I Was a Cub Scout + Rolo Tomassi + Lovvers @ Clwb Gallows + Set Your Goals @ Solus WEDNESDAY 20th FEBRUARY The Cribs + Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong + Does It Offend You Yeah @ Solus THURSDAY 21st FEBRUARY The Audition @ Barfly

GIG PICK Fuck Buttons Clwb Ifor Bach es Day than to spend your Valentin Is there any better way noise rock? of Welsh Club for a bit getting youself down to of the mill run ur ttons aren’t just yo Usually yes, but Fuck Bu is as lush g, sin rrr um, Street Ho alb t bu de eir Th t. jec noise pro a gig not to be innovative making this as it is refreshing and fuck buttons. missed. And seriously, THE MAE SHI Run To Your Grave Moshi Moshi

The Mae Shi are back with the debut single off their forthcoming album HLLLYH, an amalgamation of anthemic chanted vocals and jittering pop hooks. Run To Your Grave sees the band at their most accessible yet, finally making a song which could be feasibally comodified whilst not sacrificing any of their artistic punk credentials. 8/10 KE

HOT CHIP Ready For The Floor EMI

Geeks of the World! Put down your Warhammer and your World of Warcraft CDs! Pick up a Moog and you too can be sexy purveryors of geekhop. This electro funk odyssey is proof that there is hope for all of us. Prince, your days are numbered. 9/10 BM

I N G L E S

VINCENT VINCENT AND THE VILLAINS Pretty Girl EMI Despite hackneyed lyrical content, this is brilliant. All skiffle drums, Gene Vincent guitars and yelped vocals can only make you smile. It’s like the last 50 years never happened musically of course, without any post-war terrors like fuel rationing for instance. 7/10 BM

LES SAVY FAV Patty Lee Wichita

Les Savy Fav have always had a knack for releasing great singles and seem to have no intention of stopping. This song my sound like The Cribs for the first couple of bars but being the catchiest and most dancable ditty off of LSF’s excellent new album it’s nothing to scoff at. 9/10 ST

RADIOHEAD Jigsaw Falling Into Place XL Recordings

Much like the album which it’s drawn from, Jigsaw Falling Into Place summarises everything which makes Radiohead great. Although more uplifting than your average Radiohead track, simple yet poignant guitar meets Thom Yorke’s typically memorable vocal to create yet another slice of Oxford brilliance. 8/10 PT

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music

Hundred Reasons The Point

ven though the now label-less Hundred Reasons are playing at venues far smaller than they should be, you get the feeling that even if The Point was the dirtiest, most piss ridden toilet in the UK tonight, they’d give it their all and play like their lives depended on it. Because that’s what they do. They aren’t about record sales, Myspace friends or being recognised in the street. They do it because they fucking love it. And nothing says this better than the show I witnessed tonight.

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Even if The Point was the dirtiest, most piss ridden toilet in the UK tonight, they’d give it their all

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Personal favourites of mine Flood of Red get things started with their slice of screamy 2-step, which unfortunately leaves more people bewildered than impressed. From Autumn to Ashes fair better in front of an expectant crowd, taking things up a notch and unleashing their hellish American metal to the masses, who seem to devour everything thrown out. Colin and Co. are greeted by screams of adoration as they play a selection of old and new, sounding better than ever, the faithful singing every word back at them. Slower songs delicate and heart warming, others superbly intense. Silver brought things to an all too early conclusion, leaving everyone salivating for more. Breathtaking. Pete Rollins

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21/01/08

12/01/08

LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE LIVE The Mae Shi Buffalo Bar

eeing The Mae Shi for the first time, it’s difficult to know what to expect. Their recorded output is compiled of short blasts of noisy art punk which rarely last more than 2 minutes, but these tracks have more recently been accompanied by bubbly pop anthems which plead desperately to be sung along with. At the very least I was guaranteed an interesting night, but I wasn’t prepared for anything quite this special. It was one of those gigs that words don’t really do justice to, for it’s impossible to reproduce the glorious fleeting sensations on a page. What stands out, though, is the sheer energy on display by all four touring members which is exhausting even to watch. From the word go drummer Marcus Savino is off his seat, one band mate is lost in the crowd somewhere whilst another member climbs a stack of loosely balanced equipment to the side of the stage. The whole performance seems to be

held together by a solitary thread, as if at any moment the stage could cave in taking The Mae Shi with it. There is, of course, little danger that things will go wrong, and the technical proficiency showcased by the each member of the band does enough to ensure that. It’s refreshing to be completely oblivious to the skilled musicianship as performance takes centre stage; at one point the entire band perform a complete costume change midsong, changing into white jumpsuits before carrying on as if this was perfectly normal. Recent single Run To Your Grave is perhaps the most uplifting and euphoric moment, but tracks seem to blend into one another as the onstage antics, rhythmic shouting and seemingly random animal noisemaking eclipse anything as simple as individual tracks, making them seem insignificant. Yes, this is what live music is all about. A reminder of why we invest so much time in watching insipid rock bands in dingy clubs, just on the off-chance of this rare encounter with something breathtaking. Kyle Ellison

18/01/08

music

So So Modern Clwb Ifor Bach

Future of the Left Clwb Ifor Bach

onight might just be a brief 20 minute warm up for Future of the Left, but there’s no shortage of the bands signature intensity. Opening with most recent single Small Bones Small Bodies, the Welsh cult band play through highlights from debut album Curses which by now resonate like songs which have stood the test of time. Although the audience appear somewhat subdued as the surprise, and to many unfamilliar, support act is thrust upon them, it’s not long before they have been entirely convinced. The set list sees the inclusion of a new song which seems promising, whilst old favorites Manchasm and My Gymnastic Past are as prickly and assured as ever. Although brief, tonight Future of the Left justify all their recent praise and leave a crowd of unexpectant Jubilee fans hungry for a more substantial taste of the surprise opening act. Kyle Ellison

24/01/08

28/01/08

was expecting So So Modern to be a lot more nu-rave than they actually are. To be fair they do give off that kind of impression, coming on to the stage dressed from head to toe in sparkles and sequins they do look a bit like a poor man’s Klaxons. Fortunately they sound a lot better than they look, while being predictably synth heavy their drum rhythms are complex and their songs are interesting. Rather than being reminisant of anything that has been ‘in’ this summer they bear more of a resemblence to the rough edged dance punk of early Q and Not U. They’re a lively bunch too, dancing about the stage and constantly keeping the energy levels up. I’m not sure if So So Modern will ever get the attention they deserve, but it’ll be a shame if they don’t. Dennis Barrowman

Explosions in The Sky

Anson Rooms

oes it make me a little bit of a snob that I get annoyed at people who think it’s acceptable to clap along at post-rock gigs? It probably does doesn’t it? Meh. Fuck it I’m right. My little foibles aside, the band themselves certainly look as if they’re pleased to be playing tonight. The four members walk on stage sporting huge grins and indulge in a brief banter with the sold out crowd. This is however all we will here from the band tonight (vocally speaking at least) and with a brief introduction (“we are Explosions In The Sky from Austin, Texas”) the band begin a wall of noise that will not fade to silence for the next 80 minutes. The thing that impresses most about Explosions in the Sky is the fact that they can be a consistantly interesting live band despite the complete lack of vocals and with simple instrumentation. Where other post-rock greats add

inerest to song with complex instrumentation and epic string sections (e.g. Godspeed You! Black Emperor) or with samples and occasional vocals (Mogwai for example) Explosions rely entirely on interwieving the melodies of their three guitars together to build melodic yet intense songs over deceptively complex drum rhythms. In fact the highlight of tonight’s set comes as guitarist Munaf Rayani swaps his Guitar briefly for a set of drumsticks to add an extra snare on top of Chris Hrasky’s drum work to create the night’s biggest crescendo. The set list for the evening draws mostly on the bands two most recent albums, last year’s All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone and 2005’s Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place and only occasionally dips further into the band’s back catalogue which unfortunately leaves the odd fan favourite absent. Still very few people in the hugely busy venue look as if they have anything to complain about as the lights come up and the masses of die hard fans flok straight from the front barrier to the merch stand. Si Truss

music@gairrhydd.com /

music

A L B U M SI THE FEELING Join With Us Universal

second base

hen Freddie Mercury died, he left a void in camp pop music. Why did someone have to fill it? The Feeling will never have the capacity to produce the occasional moment of quality like Bohemian Rhapsody, and frankly I see no reason for them to be making music. Surely they’re better at something else. The term ‘sub-Blunt’ has been bandied about too much for my liking recently, but I can’t think of another band who make The Darkness sound like Zeppelin: Justin Hawkins is even borderline-macho compared to Dan Gillespie Sells’ whine, which sounds like Kermit the frog passing a kidney stone. If his nauseating, inoffensiveness isn’t bad enough, Gillespie Sells launches - almost at random - into a mid-Atlantic twang. At one point he starts to sound like Kate Nash (not even a male version of Kate Nash), and then says ‘wurrrrds.’ Some of the least inspiring lyrics ever (don’t ask me what they were, I already can’t remember) are juxtaposed with a reference to ‘London Town’ which makes me almost ashamed to be a Londoner. It’s bad enough having to listen to this generic bullshit, but knowing The Feeling come from my hometown makes it a million times worse. After listening to Join With Us (yeah the whole thing - do I get a reward?) I’ve come to the conclusion that people who slate the likes of Keane and Coldplay need to take a long hard look at themselves: there is plenty of ‘music’ out there that is far worse. It’s times like this I wish my CD player had a setting lower than mute. 1/10 Tom Victor

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DESTROYER Trouble In Dreams Merge

destroy-her

t doesn’t take long in the company of Destroyer, aka Daniel Bejar, to become completely and utterly enchanted. His 2006 effort Destroyer’s Rubies saw Bejar finally tweak into a sound which exploits his strengths, and from the opening track here it’s clear that the Canadian will remain within this comfort zone. The vocals are again impossible to ignore, Bejar’s soothing tones are simply irresistible as his lyrics spiral off the page culminating in some melodramatic indie-pop ecstasy. I could listen to him sing the blandest of songs and be amused, but coupled with bluesy instrumentation and mouth-watering guitar sounds his vocal expertise is truly realised.

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I could listen to him sing the blandest of songs and still be amused

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If Trouble in Dreams has a flaw then it would be a lack of variation from previous efforts without really capturing the assurance of Destroyer’s Rubies, but as a singular collection of songs it’s difficult to fault. Single Foam Hands boasts a luscious down-tempo subtlety, but tracks like Dark Leaves From A Thread have a confident optimism which provide the perfect balance. I suppose as an album it doesn’t build on anything that went previously, but it secures Bejar as one of the most industrious and gradually more consistent songwriters of recent years. Perfect for late night listening, or even for the morning after as an indulgent hangover cure. 7.5/10 Kyle Ellison

LIGHTSPEED CHAMPION Falling Off The Lavender Bridge Domino

premature ejaculation

o you remember the now defunct rawking nu-rave precursors Test Icicles? Well their former guitarist/keyboardist/vocalist Dev has thrown us a bit of a curve ball. Under his new moniker of Lightspeed Champion (a comic book creation of his teenage years) he’s offered us a collection of fetching acoustic numbers. The record is quite production heavy, courtesy of Bright Eyes’ Mike Mogis, and like recent offerings from Oberst and co there is plenty of strings, brass and woodwind. Star turns from Cursive’s Tim Kasher and Emmy the Great add to the general milieu as do the odd amusing lyric, check out Everyone I Know is Listening To Crunk. If Test Icicles were for the night before then Lightspeed Champion is for the morning after. He’s pensive and reflective and junk. I wanted to love this record, I wanted to anoint Dev Hynes as the saviour of modern music, but I don’t and he’s not; his songs just don’t cut the mustard. Dead cool though 6.5/10 Guy J. Ferneyhough

music

THE MARS VOLTA The Bedlam In Goliath Universal

The mars vulver!?

HOT CHIP Made In The Dark EMI

Hot-chippendales

t would have been very easy for Hot Chip to come back for a third album made up entirely of catchy yet ultimately tiresome floorfillers. Think about it, Over and Over was one of the biggest indie dancefloor hits of last year and had the band returned with an album of solid disco fodder it could have been one of the biggest selling albums of 2008 for sure. However, being the wonderful makers of electronic pop that they are Hot Chip have opted instead to offer up an album that plays more on the melodic, soulful side and I can’t help but feel that in the long run things will be all the better for it.

Take the album’s lead single Ready For The Floor a song that, while lacking the immediate fourto-the-floor hit of Over and Over, is laced with enough blissful melody lines to make it one of the best singles of the year so far. Then there’s the album’s title track Made In Dark, a soulful piano ballad led by Alexis Taylor’s heartbreaking vocals. It’s not so much that anything on the album is a real departure for the band, more that they are simply expanding in a logical way to encompass further areas of pop music. Throughout its 50 minute duration the album constantly feels very much like a Hot Chip record, the drum machine backing and repetative hooks are all still there, however this time round they just feel like they’ve matured a little as a band. It’s Hot Chip 2.0, just the upgrade we’ve been looking for. 8/10 Si Truss

Pick he Of T

k Wee

JAY Z American Gangster Universal

American Gangbang

sually the likes that come out of retirement are those who need to ride the fame they once had many moons ago and do a world tour of the isle of white on their 15th reunion show. Fortunately Jay Z is not the case.

The new album being inspired by Ridely Scott’s new blockbuster film American Gangster. This album shows Jay Z is no has been with the beats being bigger and dirtier Bigfoot’s turd and Mr Z lyrics spouting more boisterous play on words than ever before. Yes he’s back and he is being truly gangster. So stop reading this and go be a badass American gangster yourself and hold up your music store for this album. 8/10 James Rendell

ith their debut album Deloused In The Comatorium The Mars Volta succeeded in the unthinkable; they actually managed to make prog-rock cool again. Unfortunately by the time it came for them to release their third full length, 2006’s Amputechture they had somehow managed to undo all the good work that they did with their first two records. Amputechture was everything De-loused thankfully was not; needlessly drawn out guitar solos, dull song structures, self indulgent over the top experimentation. Essentially Amputechture contained everything that goes to make up the negative stereotype of a wanky, unexciting prog-rock band. Well it’s 2008 now and the Volta have had two years to contemplate their mistakes and readjust the formula in time for a new album but unfortunately The Bedlam In Goliath is a long way off being the spectacular return form that the band need. To be fair it’s nowhere near as bad as their previous effort but that alone is not enough to make this a good album. The problem is that the Mars Volta seem to have stopped moving forward at all and the result is that there is nothing on this album that the Mars Volta haven’t tried before. In fact there’s a noticeable absence of experimentation on the album; whereas in the past the band have played around with trumpets, odd tempo changes and electronics here it seems that they’re happy to stick to pretty much playing the same song over and over again for nearly 80 minutes. It’s a well-documented fact that Volta main-men Bixler and Rodriguez Lopez famously split their former (and to be honest better) band At The Drive-In at their peak, why then can they themselves not see that there’s no real life left in the Mars Volta and that it might be time to move on to new projects? 5/10 Si Truss

music@gairrhydd.com /

cult classics

Some people are just born with it

Sex appeal... you either have it or you don’t. Introducing Quench’s favourite CULT sex icons. Ooooh yeah...

David Warner

have to confess something: my choice of cult sex symbol is not that very well known. But then again, that is almost the definition of cult. However, neither is he very attractive, at least not in the conventional way. There is something very intriguing about David Warner, a mesmerising presence with a squareish face and unruly mop. It also helps that he is a wonderful actor; he is never the star, but a wonderful support in films like Straw Dogs, The Omen and Time Bandits. He was even the bad guy in Tron. But don’t hold that against him. I certainly haven’t. It’s hard to explain what makes him sexy, but even when he’s playing greasy-haired child killers, as in Straw Dogs, he’s an inescapable screen presence who puts saucy thoughts in your head. Or maybe that’s just me. But the bizarre thing is ... that it isn’t just me; a quick sweep of the internet produces several fan clubs for this brooding, slightly odd looking, often villainous sex monster. There’s a whole host of Warnerophiles out there it seems. It’s just a pity he’s in his 70s now… Richard Jones

eemingly single-handedly dragging retro style back into the spotlight and the fetish look into the mainstream, Dita Von Teese is almost the epitome of the cult sex symbol. At first, Playboy rejected her for their magazine, claiming her to be too far outside the norm. This is hardly surprising: as her look is part vintage pin-up, part fetish queen and all over glamour, though her beauty has an almost alien quality with her incredibly pale skin and impossibly tiny waist. A modern-day sex-symbol? Certainly. She is the female Johnny Depp, oozing sex-appeal to all, no matter what your sexual preference. Most famed as a neo-burlesque artist she puts tease (no pun intended), eroticism, sensuality and a dash of fun before brash full-frontals and quick, sleazy gratification. Out with lurid thongs and in with corsets and stockings! You can’t get much sexier than that, nor from the girl hauling them back into the bedroom. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dita von Teese. Lianne Wilson

ILLUSTRATIONS: Richard Jones

Dita Von Teese

Jack Nicholson

here’s no denying there’s something sexy about a bad-boy, but there’s something unquestionably irresistible about a bad-boy with a screw loose. Dubbed ‘the rebel who never sold out’, Jack Nicholson’s lotharian antics, alongside his trademark shark’s grin and Jersey drawl, have cemented him as one of Hollywood’s greatest sex symbols. Granted, he is now balding and has a gut the size of Texas, yet the man must be doing something right. He facetiously claims he may have as many as 9,000 illegitimate children as a result of his wild lifestyle. At 70 years old, Jack still has more charisma in his provocatively arched eyebrows than entire legions of innocuous young Hollywood ‘heartthrobs’. And just in case we doubted the sexual prowess of this silverstudded maniac, Jack is quick to assure us: “I only take Viagra when it’s with more than one woman”. Thanks Jack. Lizzie Pook

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m l i F

film

THE BUZZ...

The latest news, rumours and conjecture

Heath Ledger (1979 - 2008)

ast week sad news reached us from across the Atlantic that actor Heath Ledger, star of Brokeback Mountain, was found dead in his New York apartment aged twenty eight. It seems that, more so than one might have expected, his death has really affected people. We’ve come to the conclusion that, apart from the obvious affection that people had for the man, it may be because Heath Ledger is the first big star to die of our generation. There have been, thankfully few actors or musicians in recent years who have died so suddenly and unpredictably. The tragedy of it is that, despite his already diverse and accomplished portfolio of work, that his best work was to come. We have been eagerly awaiting the Dark Knight with baited breath, in which Ledger is purported to provide a definitive turn as the Joker and his performace in I’m Not There firmly established him as the foremost talent of his generation. His death is a great loss to cinema.

GULIIERMO DEL TO-LKO Bounding excitement all round with the news that Guillermo Del Toro is in line (although not a hundred percent confirmed) to direct The Hobbit. Having been responsible for one of the finest pieces of cinema in recent years (Pans Labyrinth) we are foaming at the mouth at this prospect. Slightly older news is the announcement that he is also in preproduction of a new version of Frankenstein, the perfect story for Del Toro to flex his fantasy muscles. QUANTUM OF SOLACE? The new Bond instalment has been named; dum dum dum dum... Quantum of Solace. It is taken from the title of an Ian Fleming short story, one which only slightly features Bond and is apparently introspective and devoid of action. We assume then that the title is the only part which has been lifted. I mean, I quite like the idea of Daniel Craig sitting around musing on the ultimate tragedy of the human condition, but it’s unlikely. EGGERS, MENDES...SEX Now this is really exciting. The jewel in the crown of American fiction, Dave Eggers, is set to have a script he wrote directed by Sam Mendes. Whatever way you look at it, this is exciting. The author of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius has written a screenplay about a couple travelling around the US looking for the perfect place to bring up a child. Everything Mendes have turned his hand to has been wonderful so I’ve high hopes for this outing; it’s sure to be filled with Eggers’s downbeat humour and Mendes sweeping direction, and full of saturated cinematography.

Last week the OSCAR nominations were announced. Here are the bigguns... BEST PICTURE: There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men, Juno, Atonement, Michael Clayton. ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: George Cloony, Daniel Day Lewis, Viggo Mortensen, Tommy Lee Jones, Johnny Depp ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Casey Affleck, Javier Bardem, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Hal Holbrook, Tom Wilkinson ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Laura Linney ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee, Amy Ryan, Tilda Swinton, Saorise Ronan

COMPETTION TIME FOOLS! Hey Kids! Want a chance to win a goody bag of uber cool Alien Vs Predator stuff? It includes a pretty t shirt, hat, torch, and an incredibly cool digital watch amongst other things. Email us the answer to this question: Who played Alexa Woods in the 1st Alien vs Predator movie? Aliens vs Predator is out now.

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After 25 years of botched edits and copyright wrangles the Final Cut of has finally arrived. Dave Evans takes a look the turbulent history and lasting influence of one of film’s favourite movies.

lade Runner: The Final Cut was heralded by as much hype as a film this old could muster before it’s Christmas release. Premiered and feted at festivals in Venice and New York, it came lavishly boxed for DVD in a bumper set designed to appease the film’s shrill fan-base. Now the furore has died down, we can have a look at what, exactly, all the fuss was about. ‘The Final Cut’ is certainly very streamlined; tasteful CGI seamlessly smoothes out continuity errors, a few shots have been restored and polished, extraneous exposition is ruthlessly excised, and the whole thing is swathed in a gorgeous new print. Blade Runner, it seems, is finally finished, packaged, and done. Yet it entered the pantheon of great movies long ago. Its influence has been immense. Even to the uninitiated, Ridley Scott’s rich, gothic vision of a dystopian Los Angeles will seem strangely familiar. His intention was to create a film ‘set forty years hence, made in the style of forty years ago’. Draw-

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ing on comic-book cyberpunk, the oppressive urban world of Edward Hopper, and the Venetian blinds and cigarette smoke of the classic filmnoir tradition, Blade Runner defined an aesthetic that has been disseminated by countless big-budget music videos and pale cinematic imitations since. At once elegant and tacky, melancholy and kitsch, nostalgic and futuristic, Blade Runner finds a sad beauty amid the rain and blinking neon of the metropolis. Loosely adapted from Philip K. Dick’s novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Blade Runner is set in 2019, when advances in technology have facilitated the construction of artificial humans, ‘Replicants’, near indistinguishable from the real thing. Designed as manual labourers and sex slaves, they are superior in strength and intelligence to the hubristic genetic engineers that conceived them, but saddled with a four-year life span. A band of replicants in an ‘off-world’ labour camp escape their masters and return to Earth, bent on finding their creators in search of answers. Led by the

Blake spouting, Aryan superman Roy Batty (a glorious turn from Rutger Hauer), they begin to infiltrate the Tyrell Corporation, housed in a glittering, opulent pyramid, and draw closer to its enigmatic chief, Dr. Eldon Tyrell. Persuaded out of retirement, Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), a whiskey- swilling ‘Blade Runner’, is employed to ‘retire’ (execute) the four replicants. Inevitably, Batty and Deckard meet atop a rain-lashed skyscraper at the finale. Which is all to make the film sound like the grand action sci-fi romp it isn’t. Blade Runner is faithful to its source; like Dick’s book, it is subtle and philosophical. Moral uncertainty abounds. Batty’s quest to meet his maker becomes, in the candlelit finery of Tyrell’s inner sanctum, the doomed return of the prodigal son (‘I want more life, father’). Deckard’s progressively dehumanizing mission assumes a bleak irony; he tests the replicants for evidence of a lack of ‘empathy’ before violently disposing of them (his first ‘retirement’ involves slaying a fleeing woman, shot in the back

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LATEST RELEASES LATEST RELEASES LATEST RELEASES SWEENY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET

Dir:Tim Burton Cast: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman Out Now. 96 mins

Synopsis: An adaptation of the Stephen Sondheim musical, Sweeney Todd tells of a wrongly imprisoned Barber who returns home after 15 years to find his wife dead and child stolen. He vows revenge on the judge responsible... much blood ensues.

et me first start by saying, I am a self confessed hater of Tim Burton’s work. Usually I would go into one of his films expecting to dislike the bizarre and frankly unlikable directing style. This said, I would also have had my doubts about anyone attempting to bring to the big screen something as challenging as Sweeney Todd. Dark and dank is one of the only ways to describe this film. Only a couple of scenes are filmed in the daylight and this really adds to the persona of the production. Performances from all the lead roles again only adds to the darkness purveyed, and their singing, well who would have thought that any, let alone all THERE WILL BE BLOOD Dir: Paul Thomas Anderson Cast: Daniel Day Lewis, Kevin J. O Connor Out Now. 158 mins

Synopsis: Written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson and inspired by Upton Sinclair’s novel Oil!, There Will Be Blood tells the story of Daniel Plainview (Day-Lewis) and the making of his fortune amidst turn-of-the-century California’s oil boom. Cue the inevitable descent into a spiral of avarice and alcoholism as he neglects his disabled son and antagonizes an ambitious young preacher while staking a pipeline to the Pacific.

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of the stars of the film had fantastic voices. Originally staged as more of an operetta than musical any actor would find the daunting task of singing such music well, difficult. Again they manage it. The story revolves around Todd (Depp) who is cast away for a crime he didn’t commit and returns to London 15 years later and is filled with rage and the need for revenge upon the Judge (Rickman) who sent him away. Lest the full plot be revealed, revenge he

espite stunning cinematography (fireballs, fountains of oil, picturesque gallops to the sea) and a riveting, Oscar-worthy central performance (Day-Lewis at his exaggerated, Bill the Butcher best), ...Blood is that frustrating animal, the good film that could have been great. The magnificent, dialogue-free opening- twenty minutes of restrained, gestural acting and bleak, tumbleweed-strewn landscapeswhets the appetite, but the film soon loses direction, becoming a strange mixture of unexpected horror and incongruous black humour (evident in the pathetic final scene - a bizarre, cartoon-like confection of violence, perfidy and, er, skittles which must be seen to be believed). It’s not that there’s anything wrong with these over-the-top set pieces, it’s just that the contrast between such overheated scenes

gets. Filled with a lot of blood and gore you build to the first death, and let me tell you, if its blood you came to see you will not be disappointed, its keeps flowing for the rest of the film! Overall a full hearted, dark thriller that at times leaves you in a position where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Congratulations Tim Burton, on this one you have converted me. I hasten to add only this once, but may there be many more! Gwilym Conran and the cool, austere ones tends to jar and chasten uncomfortably. Anderson has dedicated There Will be Blood to his hero, the late Robert Altman, but this is his first film to dispense with Altman-esque ensembles; his focus, instead, is almost solely the monstrous, monomaniacal tycoon. The plot slowly breaks down into a series of loosely-linked vignettes in which Day-Lewis is given license to emote. This is the real problem with the film; it aspires to the epic sweep of Ford’s Westerns or Scorsese’s crime sagas without taking the care to develop the incidental characters and peripheral details which lend those films their richness. Without such foundations, There Will Be Blood eventually collapses under the weight of Day-Lewis’ tour-de-force performance, like one of Plainview’s rickety derricks sinking into the oil. David Evans

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JUNO Dir:Jason Reitman Cast: Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, Jennifer Garner Out Now. 96 mins

Synopsis: Juno is a quick talking teenager who shoots from the hip. One day, however, she finds herself ‘for shiz up the spout’ and decides to have the little sprog. When finding a couple in the paper to give the baby to, emotions gradually cloud proceedings.

he deities that preside over the Oscar ceremonies have been kind to Juno, much like sister indie flic Little Miss Sunshine, it picked up four nominations, and for better or worse, comparisons between the two will probably be coming thick and fast. As the billboards have been declaring, Juno is essentially a story about growing up; as painful and tired as this sounds the movie avoids cliche and keeps just the

right side of stale. The credit for this lies mainly with Diablo Cody’s wonderfully witty script, full of charged one liners and astute observations, it helps to mould Juno into a believable and rounded character, wise beyond her years except, ultimately, totally vulnerable. There are also a certain number of darker places the screenplay could have gone, and in some moments the movie feels as though it may lead you down less pleasant alleyways. But it avoids these turns and is all the better for doing so. This isn’t Larry Clark after all. As much as the film is about growing up and teen pregnancy, it is also a gently handled love story. The frail little thing that is Michael Cera puts in a perfectly comic performance as ever as Juno’s boyfriend/ bewildered father-tobe and it is the scenes with him and Ellen Page that are the most touching of all; the final of the film is a sure fire tear jerker. If Juno shows us anything, it is that its lead lady, Ellen Page, is going to be a star. Anyone who saw her marvellous and dark performance in Hard Candy will know that she can act as well as any female performer out there, however it is her sweet natured and charismatic side which

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shines through in Juno, injecting the character with just the right amount of worldliness and knowing, without losing her teenage sensibilities; Juno is only sixteen after all. The soundtrack of the film fits it like an audio glove (if such a thing exists), the well timed use of Kimya Dawson and the Mouldy Peaches is extremely instrumental in giving the film its feel, setting the atmosphere at just the right pressure. The only major reservation I have with the work is that the dialogue occasionally seems slightly contrived, sometimes the words coming from Juno seem too scripted, a little bit too astute, a little bit too like the disembodied spirit of Oscar Wilde has possessed her. This is a minor concern, however, for the secondary characters, made up of a fine ensemble cast, play out the narrative in a sympathetic and gentle manner that keeps the sometimes inflated dialogue in check. Juno is a film which will undoubtedly be taken into the hearts of many, it has boundless amounts of wit, charm and humour without ever feeling smug, hackneyed or overly knowing, it’s not going to change your life, but it will certainly brighten it up a little. Will Hitchins

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN Dir: Joel&Ethan Cohen Cast: Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem Out Now. 122 mins

Synopsis: Set in the bleak landscape of rural West Texas in 1980, No Country For Old Men tells the story of Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin), a decent, hard-working veteran. Stumbling across the scene of a drugs deal gone wrong, he finds a briefcase containing $2million amongst the bullet-riddled bodies and takes it in the hope of building a better life with his wife. This sparks a chain reaction of violence as Llewelyn is chased by a mysterious and ruthless killer Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem). Even experienced, principled and highly competent Sheriff Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) is incapable of stopping the fatal game of cat and mouse that ensues.

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n the surface this film seems like a radical departure from most of the Cohen Brothers’ previous work. However, it is also an almost direct inversion of their usual strategy; instead of an offbeat comedy with dark undertones, No Country For Old Men is a dark thriller with subtle moments of macabre humour. Furthermore, as with their previous films, it is beautifully scripted, cast and shot. The biggest strength of No Country For Old Men is its characters. This emphasis is adopted from the original novel, which is based around realistic, deep and fallible characters with whom we can’t but empathise. This is conveyed on screen by well cast and talented actors. Both Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones grew up in West Texas and their understanding of the area help them movingly convey their characters’ resignation and despair at not only the increasingly violent drug trade taking place there, but also emphasise their strength in coping with their difficult and

desolate lives. Even the disturbing character of Chigurh retains a certain amount of humanity through Bardem’s sensitive portrayal of a man who seems to have nothing to live for except to kill. Sparse but poignant dialogues are present throughout the film giving brief insights into the deepest conflicts and doubts of the characters and revealing the subtle relationships between them. This is especially true of Sheriff Bell, whose true colours only come across through his intimate conversations with his wife and uncle, and Llewelyn and his feisty but ultimately powerless wife Carla Jean whose loving relationship is only shown through these interactions. Almost on a par with the film’s characters is the importance of the landscape in which the story is set. The cinematography and camera work are exceptional, the isolated and enigmatic backdrop of the New Mexico desert resonating with the emotional drive of the movie. No Country For Old Men is a story of a region as well as its people,

LATEST RELEASES LATEST RELEASES LATEST RELEASES CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR Dir: Mike Nichols Cast: Tom Hanks, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Julia Roberts Out Now. 97 mins

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Working with the Cohens is like working with one man (Javier Bardem)

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with different characteristics of the landscape being personified by the characters within the film. However, ultimately, this is a fast paced, gripping thriller in which the tension is exacerbated by the lack of a significant soundtrack. The natural sounds of the environment make the action seem more real and more frightening. Throughout the film there are brutal, violent, and yet almost mundane scenes that are portrayed in real time rather than slow motion, giving a certain insignificance to human life which adds to the film’s realism. In the words of Javier Bardem, “horrible things happen in a low-key way,” a sentiment that most of us can relate to. The underlying tragedy in the story of No Country For Old Men lies not in the bloodshed itself, but in the destruction of Llewelyn and Carla Jean Moss who do not expect or deserve to come into contact with such violence. To cut a long story short, the Cohen Brothers have once again proved their worth. No Country For Old Men is a masterpiece. Rebecca Ganz

Synopsis: Alcoholic, womanizing Texan congressman Charlie Wilson (Hanks) decides to aid Afghanistan in their war against the Soviet Union after watching a documentary from a hot tub full of naked strippers. With the help of CIA agent Gust Avrakotos (Hoffman) and Texan millionaire Joanne Herring, he ups the budget for covert operations funding the Afghans, helping them to win their fight precipitating the end of the Cold War.

have come to the conclusion that Phillip Seymour Hoffman needs his own Oscar category. Though Javier Bardem might well run him close his year, I feel that it is just plane unfair to all other actors having the thinking man’s Hoff in the running too. It is getting to be somewhat mundane eulogising about the enormous talents of the man so I’m not going to; suffice to say he’s really good. Instead I shall laud the ever-unappreciated Tom Hanks. Yes, it seems ridiculous to extol the acting ability of someone with enough golden awards to make Solomon blush. However Hanks’ performance in Charlie Wilson’s War reminds one of exactly why we all fell in love with him in the first place. The overt sentimentality and sincerity that has been so prevalent in recent years has been dialed down to be replaced the bouncy, vibrant energy of his earlier work (who doesn’t love Big and Splash?). In the end it was always inevitable that Charlie Wilson’s War would be talked about in terms of these two behemoths. Julia Roberts is fine, though I still harbour an urge to stick pins in my eyes every time she appears on screen, and Mike Nichols’ predictably handles the project with

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aplomb, nudging the movie along at an always enjoyabley gentle pace. It is however, Hanks and Hoffman who make the film, both clearly relishing the time they spend on screen together, their first meeting in particular being a highlight of the film.

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Congressman Wilson has an expression. ‘You can teach them to type, but you can’t teach them to grow tits.’

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In the end, Charlie Wilson’s War is really rather good. Boasting two fine central performances, the film generally balances the frivolous with the profound pretty well, avoiding the kind of self righteous ranting that scupper this type of film so often. At times one feels the story is a little too one-sided, thoughtfully hinting at the rise of Islamic extremism on the one hand, unabashedly championing the killing of Russians the next. Overall, however, Charlie Wilson’s War presents a fascinating story with charm, wit, warmth and intelligence. And you even get to see Tom Hanks’ arse. Sim Eckstein

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Dave Evans speaks to Daniel Day Lewis about his latest Oscar nominated role as the moustachioed tycoon Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood.

here has always been a certain mystique surrounding Daniel Day-Lewis. For a Hollywood star, he’s a relative recluse, and has been frustratingly reticent in interviews. So it’s both a relief and something of a surprise when the tall, handsome and rather eccentrically attired actor turns out to be affable and open. He’s here to talk about his new film, Paul Thomas Anderson’s There Will Be Blood, a tale of oil, corruption and greed in dust bowl America, in which he plays monstrous oil tycoon Daniel Plainview. He’s already won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Plainview, and is widely expected to pick up an Oscar later this month. Whatever the flaws of There Will Be Blood, Day-Lewis’ performance is magnificent, an extravagant, overthe-top delight. Asking what drew him to the role, he remarks on the physicality of the part, the opening scenes of the film in particular, in which we follow Plainview’s humble beginnings as a solitary miner. He describes searching for the first lines of dialogue in Anderson’s script: “I was turning page after page and thinking: ‘How long can he keep this going for?’ There was something almost cheeky about it… that the life of this man in that situation could be revealed in such a way that you knew everything you needed to know without saying a word, and I thought there was something remarkable about that.” Often preferring physical roles to more verbal ones, Day-Lewis thinks this is linked to his childhood: “I’ve always had a paradoxical relationship with the English language, coming from a household where language was so important”. His father was poet laureate Cecil Day-Lewis, and he admits that his early interest in film stemmed from an effort to break with his literary heritage. Citing the work of Ken Loach, Lindsay Anderson, Karel Reisz’s Saturday Night, Sunday Morning with Albert Finney, Day-Lewis imparts how deeply he was affected by their characters: “these were the kind of films

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that began to open up a different kind of world for me…very often the characters within those stories were struggling to express themselves in words and that was something that I found very moving, very powerful.” This admiration for silent physicality is reflected in his abiding fascination with artisan craftsmanship; in the mid-nineties he withdrew from stardom, reportedly spending the lost years training to become a shoemaker in Florence. To this day, he approaches the minutiae of his performances with an artisan’s meticulous craft, together with a notoriously dogged determination. In preparation for his Oscar winning portrayal of cerebral palsy sufferer Christy Brown in My Left Foot, for example, he broke two ribs after he insisted on remaining in a wheelchair for the duration of filming. Whatever the debt to the Brando/ De Niro school, he’s keen to challenge his reputation as a stern method-actor: “I do feel I’ve been soundly misrepresented at times. People tend to focus on the practical details of the preparation, in this clinic or that prison”. He jokes that it was rumoured he’d built a derrick in a field behind his house in County Wicklow in preparation for There Will Be Blood: “When I read that, I actually thought it was a good idea, but

I was a bit short of help at the time!” Throughout the interview, DayLewis is charmingly self-deprecating and fawns over his co-stars like a seasoned luvvie. His voice is soft and gentle, his chiselled face sans moustache. But in his eyes one occasionally gets a glimpse of those monstrous villains he plays so superbly- Plainview, Bill the Butcherand is reminded of how powerful an actor he can be. This is why, even when he is being so jovial and honest, a little glimmer of that mystique remains. David Evans

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e’ve all experienced those moments, those instances of pure brilliance which capture our imaginations, when cinema serves up that iconic image, forever etched into our minds. That flash of flesh, when time stands still for that solitary moment you sit in silence and salute, the movie breast. Let’s face it, there have been many admirable areolas over the years, but to these firm few let us take heed and say; thanks for the mammaries. KELLY VAN RYAN AND SUZIE TOLLER (NEVE CAMPBELL AND DENISE RICHARDS) IN WILD THINGS (1998) It’s a sure fire formula really; take two beautiful women, minus a few items of clothing, add some frivolous lesbianism and a swimming pool and you have yourself one of the most infamous nude scenes in movie history. Wild Things is by no stretch of the imagination a cinematic classic, nonetheless Campbell and Richards’s legendary pool scene can surely be regarded as one of, if not THE sexiest scenes of all time. I breast my case. NADIA (SHANNON ELIZABETH) IN AMERICAN PIE (1999) So often movies try to recreate the archetypal male fantasy, and so often they get it wrong, not in the case however, of American Pie. Shannon Elizabeth’s casting as foreign exchange student Nadia is nothing short of inspired and the legendary ‘Nadiavision’ sequence is a defining moment in the teen movie genre. This scene works on so many levels, its humour timed and executed to perfection, its irony impeccable. Elizabeth more than heated up American Pie and her sultry strip show shot her to fame, cementing her in the movie breasts hall of fame. OPHELIA (JAMIE LEE CURTIS) IN TRADING PLACES (1983) Although relatively brief, this scene remains one of the most referenced breast exposés of all time. Jamie Lee Curtis’s role as a New York prostitute leads to her revealing

more than just her sensitive nature to an out-of-luck Dan Ackroyd. This one left male audience members aghast and shows without doubt what a smashing set of, um…credentials Jamie Lee Curtis has. MARY (LYCIA NAFF) IN TOTAL RECALL (1990) On his way to Mars to get his memory back, Douglas Quaid (Schwarzenegger) stops off in a Martian bar and soon makes the acquaintance of Mary, a prostitute with a peculiar mutation. Although more than a little bit disturbing, the iconic third boob is still bizarrely pleasing on the eye and let’s be honest, as mutations go this isn’t so much a burden as a blessing! This was the vision of special effects maestro Rob Bottin who, using state-of-theart prosthetics created the mock breast from a mould of Naff’s own chesticles. Take a bow Sir! NOMI MALONE (ELIZABETH BERKLEY) IN SHOWGIRLS (1995) Ok, so this film may be bordering on the pornographic and has been criticised as being extremely offensive and sexist to women. So why has this made the list? Well, what really stands out in this piece of derogatory fodder is Elizabeth Berkley’s performance as Las Vegas show queen Nomi which, although overtly erotic, is undoubtedly very sexy. Berkley’s breasts are unveiled numerous times throughout the film, most frequently in the earlier scenes where Nomi climbs through the ranks from cheap lap dancer to high-class hotel showgirl.

THE BREAST OF THE REST… LINDA BARRETT (PHOEBE CATES) IN FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982) One of the most renowned topless scenes in movie history. This slow motion, bikini shedding fantasy sequence immortalized Phoebe Cates to a generation of teenage boys in the `80s. Nice. ROBERT PAULSON (MEAT LOAF) IN FIGHT CLUB (1999) Disturbingly the biggest pair to be found on this list, Meatloaf’s biblical man boobs are almost hypnotic when fighting Ed Norton and will be forever immortalised by the narrators proclamation; “This is Bob… Bob had bitch tits”. JENNIFER CONNELLY IN LIKE…EVERY FILM, EVER…. Since the early, more revealing stage in her career, Jennifer Connelly has had a breast reduction and shockingly hasn’t done a nude scene in a film in four years! Maybe it’s time for her to be taken more seriously as an actress…

Words - Adam Woodward Slightly disturbing images - Benjamin Phillips

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