Quench - Issue 80

reckon you could climb everest?

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GIVE IT UP

t he saturdays Jason StatHam quench live returns!

clash fashion

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: s t n e t n o c Issue 80 // 04 - 18 May

R AT THE STUDENT MAGAZINE OF THE YEA ARDS! AW IA MED T 2008 GUARDIAN STUDEN

VOYEUR RANT HUW INTERVIEWS FASHION

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We've got a suprise!

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The Saturdays, p. 09

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FEATURES BLIND DATE GAY TRAVEL FOOD

A good gay icon is glam, controversial, and a survivor of adversity

BOOKS

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ARTS DIGITAL

Gay, p. 24

GOING OUT Dave Spikey: comedy genius Arts, p. 38

MUSIC FILM

04 06 07 08 12 18 23 24 26 32 34 39 41 44 49 57

COVER PHOTOGRAPHY: SOPHIE PYCROFT Editor Hazel Plush Executive Editor Ben Bryant Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan Sub-Editors Francesca Jarvis, Sim Eckstein, Guy Ferneyhough Arts Kate Budd, Lisa Evans Blind Date Emma Chapman, Sarah George Books Aisling Tempany Digital Tom Baker Fashion Meme Sgroi, Nicole Briggs Features Ellie Woodward, Louise Cook Film Adam Woodward, Francesca Jarvis, Sim Eckstein Food Jenny Edwards, Jen Entecott Gay James Moore Going Out Alex Gwilliam, Kirstin Knight Huw Huw Davies Interviews Ben Marshall, Leah Eynon Music Guy Ferneyhough, Kyle Ellison, Phil Guy The Rant Andy Swidenbank Travel Andy Tweddle, Simon Lucey Creative Consultant Lowri Howells Head of Photography Natalia Popova Proof Readers Jamie Thunder, Steve Wright, Roddy Waldron, Elaine Morgan printed on recycled paper. PLEASE RECYCLE.

voyeur

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M

y housemates and I are toastless. In fact, it’s not just toast; it’s crumpets, poptarts, muffins and all those other toasted breakfast delights.

Our toasting devices have, you see, been seized.

It started two weeks ago when we came back from Easter. Whilst padding around the kitchen making breakfast, out of the corner of my bleary eye I saw a piece of bread fly out of the toaster. Taken aback by this piece of early morning theatrics – it had been empty, as far as I knew – I peered over to investigate and came face to snout with a mouse. Yes, in my kitchen, and most definitely in the toaster.

Not of a nervous disposition, I don’t tend to get spooked by this sort of thing, but mice, well, are a bit of a weak spot of mine. They’re actually quite cute to look at when they’re sitting still, but get those little stumpy mousy legs a-running and they’re just like disease on (tiny) wheels. Scuttling all over the show, nibbling on your digestives and pooing indiscriminately like a mini raisin Pez dispenser. For want of a better word, ewwwww.

So yes, the toaster was out of bounds but we were, at least, saved by the grill. Until this morning. Once again, a dose of fuzzy-eyed confusion struck as I hovered over the oven.

The piles of burnt bits that had fallen into the grill tray caught my eye, and as I gazed… no they couldn’t be… yes they were!! Lots of teeny little mouse shits, in amongst the crumbs and a mere two centimetres from my precious Tesco muffins.

So yes, it’s a kitchen coup, and in a desperate attempt to eat something ‘clean’ Doritos have now officially replaced toast. It’s a sad state of affairs, but what really worries me is what’s to come. The actual oven itself? Microwave? Surely not the fridge?! We’re prisoners in our own home, at the mercy of a miniscule army… help!

HP

04 / voyeur@gairrhydd.com

IN

OUT

{

frothy milk

whipped: cream

say what

?!

Are you shitreous?

A phrase that comes from the mixture of the emphatic expressions "no shit!" and "are you serious?"

e-shopper

embracing consumerist filth

cat-lady action figure www.kitschulike.com $24.99 This plastic crazy cat lady action figure has poseable arms and legs and comes with six fabulous felines to play with.

{Voyeur }

voyeur

......

you need this in your life

bikini-jeans

bacon

& chocolate muffins

sausage 99

gold body-part dolls

your worst nightmare

celebrity hermaphrodites Wayne has an uncanny knack for predicting the size of female celebrities' penises. If they were to grow any, that is.

good little girl

Your eyes will bleed, and your balls will shrink back into your body. Squirm.

voyeur@gairrhydd.com / 05

the rant

The Rant:

Andy Swide nb ridicules M ank TV's 'Reality' Television

Virtually Reality?

06 /rant@gairrhydd.com

ever have to experience it again. A British version also exists – Living on the Edge – which has the dubious honour of being even worse. All of the characters on all of these shows appear to have their personalities strained through some sort of twat-filter prior to filming, removing any apparent redeeming qualities or interesting thoughts so that MTV’s producers can shape them into characters for the dullest soap-operas ever created.

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No, Brooke doesn't 'know best'.

In fact, evidence suggests she barely knows her arse from her elbow...

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S

ince its inception in 1981, MTV has changed the landscape of the music business as we know it.

However, these days the once-revolutionary channel is just another contributor to one of the biggest threats mankind has ever had to face: reality television.

Seems like an obvious target doesn’t it? Well, it would be if we were talking about regular reality television – the usual Saturday night dross that fills ITV schedules. But this isn’t just regular reality television; this is MTV reality television.

And it’s fucking terrifying.

Naturally MTV has somewhat of an obsession with celebrity (just like everyone else then), and this is where the problems begin. Celebrity equals wealth in Music Television’s world, and opulence is the watchword. While a program like Cribs could be a genuinely interesting look at the homes of our ‘idols’, it essentially boils down to an opportunity to glare at the screen in envy as some American Footballer who you’ve never even heard of shows you his $4 zillion dollar mansion and acre of gas-guzzling SUVs. Oh, and his kitchen which, while large enough to warrant border police and passport control, he’s probably never even used.

Wealth is all-important to the host of other reality shows MTV has to offer. Take The City, spin off of The Hills, which is a spin off of Laguna Beach. Were aliens to visit our tiny insignificant speck of a planet and watch any of these three shows, I have no doubt they would commence the destruction of mankind immediately, assuming everyone on the surface of the Earth to be such vacuous, money obsessed, dull empty shells of people. Each show feels (and no doubt is) so achingly contrived that you want to scoop your own eyeballs out with red-hot dessert spoons just so you won’t

Next in the motley lineup of reality-horseshit we have the celebrity shows – two of which stand out above all others. Namely Run’s House, following the still clearly relevant Reverend Run (of Run DMC) and his family through everyday life and the execrable Brooke Knows Best. Funnily enough, Brooke doesn’t 'know best'. In fact, evidence suggests she barely knows her arse from her elbow. Quite why the life of Hulk Hogan’s daughter, who is essentially a failed pop star, would appeal to anyone is hard to guess.

But herein lies the quandary. Save the odd few (see above), many of MTV’s reality shows are eminently watchable. You can sit for hours, taking in essentially nothing, but remaining content and happy and free. It’s junk-food TV at it’s best.

But as we’re all acutely aware, junk food is bad for you, and if the shows already mentioned are regular junk

food, then My Super Sweet 16 is the XL super-size meal with extra cheese.

My Super Sweet 16 is possibly the scariest of a bad lot. Following the snottiest spoilt brats imaginable as they prepare for the ‘party of a lifetime’ while they moan, throw tantrums and generally act like ungrateful fuck-ends, the show is clearly constructed to make you hate them.

Soon enough you find yourself wishing every little thing will go wrong at their party – their friends won’t turn up, the venue won’t be ready, they’ll screw up their stupid dance number or they’ll trip over their new designer clothes and impale themselves on a misplaced diamond-encrusted spike. As the show goes on, it twists you into an unrecognisable bastard, laughing at every misfortune and wishing slow and painful death on, well… A 15-year-old.

Suddenly, you're as bad - or possibly even worse - than the awful human being on screen. And where does that put you? On a first class coach to Hell my friend, that's where.

And all because some little shit-head gets an extravagant party, a brand new car and probably a contract for another MTV show.

Sucks, doesn't it?

an: Not too Brooke Hog . sharp

h I

huw

? uw

he thinks stuff

t has occurred to me that I could probably use this column to better effect.

Without wanting to blow my own pathetically rusty trumpet, it's possible that I, like perennial favourite for pub bores everywhere, QI, have the most minute bit of influence over at least one person reading this – and hey, that's more than Gordon Brown at the moment. Boom! Political satire. Want more? OK. David Cameron? David TWAT more like. Yeah! You with me?

I'm available for after-dinner speeches.

Anyway, I want to use this soapbox to reach people with more than my random ramblings, and, with that in mind, I want us to start a campaign. We have the power to change things. If everyone who reads what I have to say tells everyone else they think will care, we're on at least double figures.

My first idea, which I've had for a while – since the recession reared its ugly head – was inspired in its simplicity. Basically, get as many people as possible (a hashmob or whatever it's called) to queue outside a bank – any bank – until its customers notice, assume there's a crisis they don't know about, panic and queue with you to withdraw their money. Then we sit back and watch the bank collapse like an avalanche of boulders and Northern Rocks. It could work citywide or even nationwide, with good organisation. Let's break the economy!

I was very proud of this idea.

Sadly, I found it wasn't original: the concept already exists and it's called a bank run. Balls. If anyone's still up for doing it, be my guest, but I spend enough

time queuing in banks anyway and I've lost interest (no pun intended).

Besides, as much fun as it is to act in a spirit of complete irresponsibility, it's a bit...well...irresponsible. We should use our force for good.

So let's take down a national newspaper. And not just any national newspaper: the one that's responsible for the ethical downfall of this country. The one that breeds anger;

I don't think I have words for how dangerous the Mail is or how how much I hate it stirs up terror; creates hatred in the gullible British public towards hard-working migrants ("job-stealing foreigners"), desperate refugees in need of asylum ("welfare cheats") and Polish people ("gypsies"). I am talking, of course, about the Daily Mail.

I don't think I have the words to explain how dangerous the Mail is and how much I hate it, so I'll use their own. Recently, the 'newspaper' ran a front page headline screaming 'THIS COUNTRY OF ANGER AND FEAR'. Yeah, and whose fault is that? Yours, you stupid bastards.

And now you're proud of the mess you've made.

My plan is to buy the Mail. Not like that – the day I buy the Mail is

the day I die shortly afterwards by my own hand – but actually buy it out. And run it. Run it into the ground.

At a rough guess, it will take a few million pounds, which is why I'm hoping for this to be a grand-scale thing (if we have anything left over we could snap up the Express as well), but think of the good we could do. We could make the country a happier, more tolerant place. We could make casual racists choke on their cornflakes. And simplest of all, we could confuse the hell out of its readers. I have the headlines ready.

'IMMIGRANTS BUILT THIS COUNTRY'. 'BENEFIT CHEATS ALMOST ENTIRELY BRITISH, ACTUALLY'.

'AREN'T BLACK PEOPLE GREAT?' Sure, we end up bankrupt – destitute and ruined – but importantly, we take the Mail down with us. It's for the greater good. And as students, we have a duty to do this. We're young, we're fit and we have more spare time. It's claimed that students are less interested in protesting than we once were, but if that's true it's only because Margaret Thatcher isn't in power any more (that said, if anyone wants to shout in her face to see if she drops dead, that'd make good YouTube viewing). Times have changed. There's a popular anti-capitalism slogan that goes, "If you're not angry, you're not paying attention." Most of us aren't – we're watching Jeremy Kyle. That's our anger, thank you very much.

It's time to change that (Jeremy Kyle's rubbish). Come on, all you great, greasy unwashed – meant in the nicest way possible: let's rid the world of the Daily Mail.

huw@gairrhydd.com / 07

The Sat interviews

The Saturdays are one of the forerunners of a new wave of brilliant female pop acts that have taken the top 40 by storm. Having already supported the excellent Girls Aloud, they're now preparing to set out on their first ever headlining tour. Ben Marshall chatted to Rochelle inbetween takes for their new album

08 / interviews@gairrhydd.com

urdays

interviews

of the surprises that they had in store for gigs, she did say that they had some big things planned.

‘I want to keep what we’ve got planned a bit of a surprise, but I will say that it’s going to be big.’

“

I want to keep what we’ve got planned a bit of a surprise, but I will say that it’s going to be big

“

T

he Saturdays are another brilliant girl band in the lineage of such luminaries as the Chiffons, the Ronettes and even the Crystals. Forged from the ruins of several pop nearly-rans like the tragic S Club Juniors, the quintuplet of Una, Rochelle, Frankie, Mollie and Vanessa first shot to the nations consciousness when they were picked as the lucrative support slot for the Girls Aloud ‘Tangled Up’ tour. Three top 10 hits in, and the girls were given the opportunity to perform the Comic Relief single for 2009; a cover of Depeche Mode’s seminal hit, Just Can’t Get Enough .

Total pop dominance ensued, and now the girls’ cheeky take on the girl group archetype seems to have enraptured a new generation of pop fans.

I recently caught up with Rochelle as she was in the midst of recording the follow-up to their Gold-selling album, Chasing Lights. While she was quick to point out that their new material was certainly an evolution of their sound, it is by no means going to alienate their core audience.

‘It’s definitely a step up for us. It’s a real progression from the first album. Although, I still think it’s going to appeal to our audience, I hope we’ll be able to attract some new fans. It’s certainly a lot more personal, because we’ve been a lot more involved in the writing side of things. While the girls are busy recording in the studio at the moment, they’re also getting ready for their first major headlining tour.

Rochelle didn’t want to reveal any

Rochelle was also keen to expand on the support act that they’ve picked for the tour, Pixie Lott. ‘The support act was really important to us, as it was because of us supporting Girls Aloud that gave us our break, and we wanted to give another artist the same opportunity that we had. I’m really pleased that we have Pixie Lott, because she’s so talented.’

Rochelle is not only supportive of new artists, but she also wears her influences on her (effortlessly stylish) sleeves. 'I'm listening to a to a lot of Lauren Sullivan at the moment, she's like the new Lauren Hill. I'm also a massive fan of people like Amy Winehouse, Justin Timberlake and Rihanna. I just think that they are so talented, and if we could have a career like any of those guys, we'd be really, really pleased!'

The band have been rightly or wrongly compared to other artists

in their short career, the most obvious comparison being with their erstwhile touring companions, Girls Aloud. Rochelle doesn’t feel the same way. ‘To be honest, I’d rather that we weren’t compared to anyone really, I mean I can see why people compare us to Girls Aloud, and it’s not a bad thing, be cause they have such an amazing career, but I think we’re such different bands that it doesn’t really make sense to lump us together.’

The band are also renowned for their style. Being known as the band with the coloured tights clearly hasn't affected the girls' career, but Rochelle certainly has her own style. ' I love really chic clothes and I always stick to the same girly, figure hugging clothes.

I'd always rather dress up than down! I'm a heels in the day kind of girl! Carrie Bradshaw or Lauren Conrad's wardrobe is my idea of heaven.'

Despite the crushing banality of the final question of the interview, Rochelle managed to suppress the obvious indifference she felt toward it. So Rochelle, what is your perfect Saturday? ‘Usually I like the typical girly stuff, going out, partying, all that kind of stuff, but because we’re working so hard at the moment, I just like to lay around in my pjs and watch Dirty Dancing.’

With that surprisingly heartfelt answer to such a tedious question, Rochelle was recalled back to the studio. Although they may not be able to completely shake off those niggling Girls Aloud comparisons, their enthusiasm and drive will surely silence their detractors.

interviews@gairrhydd.com /09

interviews

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10 / interviews@gairrhydd.com

s far as girl groups go, The Duloks are not your average band. Resplendent in their matching kitsch sportswear, singing wonderfully unhinged lo-fi ballads about Bad Vegetarians and Octopi of Love, they are miles away from the po-faced tedium of other ‘pop’ acts infecting the charts like La Roux or effing Little Boots.

Relaxing in the dressing room before their International Women’s day gig in Clwb Ifor Bach, the band are everything that you’d expect; funny, perceptive and fucking rude. Mar Dulok (Drums) immediately seizes control of the interview and launches into the saga of the formation of the current incarnation of the band.

‘Mira (vox) and I have been in the band the longest. She replied to a myspace message of mine, and we’ve been in the band ever since.

Abi (keyboards) hasn’t really been with us for that long. We’ve gone through a couple of keyboardists

interviews

“

I mean, my favourite band is Bad Religion, but I don’t think it really comes through in our music you know?

“

actually, our first one has gone off to university now and so we toyed around with a few options, including one poor guy who had to wear the same shorts as us, which he didn’t seem too impressed by. Thankfully, we found Abi, and she’s slowly learning how to play our songs and the general Dulok way of life.’

Mira immediately interjects in an animated manner in order to impress on us how much of an asset Abi truly is. ‘She’s actually really, really good!

She’s like grade 8 on the piano, and we’re forcing her to play really basic stuff. It’s pretty funny when you think about it.’ For a band with such an idiosyncratic aesthetic and musical outlook, it’s hard to place exactly what their influences are.

The usually quite reserved Abi immediately pipes up with a curt and surprisingly sincere reply of ‘Ketamine’ to universal amusement from the remainder of the Duloks. Mira’s answer was slightly less contentious. ‘I mean, my favourite band is Bad Religion, but I don’t think it really comes through in our music you know? We’re as influenced by non-musical stuff as bands. I love Demetri Martin, and I like to think that there is a comedy element to what we do. I’m also really into Mick ‘n’ Keef, because they’ve got such a massive stage prescence and I like to think that some of that has rubbed

off on us.’

Mira is referring to their infamous live shows, which involve goading the audience, impromptu dance routines, and what Americans like to call ‘TMI’. It’s this same live show that has seen them banned from an unpronounceable German town for vulgarity. It’s also the same headstrong attitude that causes them to bring audience members onto

the stage and lambast them for having the temerity to talk on their mobile phone that has lead them to self-release their latest album. Mira explained the reasoning behind such a major decision. ‘I mean, I’ve been in bands that have been signed before, and there’s very little freedom to what you get to do. It’s nice to be allowed to do what you want with your own career.’

interviews@gairrhydd.com /11

fashion

Competition!

Hey there Boys….

Quench Fashion have a fantastic freebie for you.We have two Bulldog Grooming kits (worth £45 each) to give away. Each bag is chock-a-block with Bulldog’s Natural essential oil based products…

You've got to be in it to win it so send your answers to this simple question to fashion@gairrhydd. com Which famous rapper has a clothing range called Billionaire Boy’s club? a) Jay-Z b) Pharrell c) Eminem

C

olour is back! Wearing vivid tones makes an immediate difference to your mood after months of seeing navy, grey and black in every shop.

Experiment with bright block colours such as cobalt blue and salmon pink. The best way to wear colour this spring is interspersed with white rather than black - not only on trend, but fresh for the spring and summer months. Look to Marc by Marc Jacobs and Stella McCartney for designer inspiration, then head to high street shops such as Topshop and Gap for colour on a much more realistic budget. If you’re brave enough, try Uniqlo skinny jeans for a colourful wardrobe addition.

The jeans are sold in ten different colours and at only £24.99 a pair, I’m tempted to get two.

Holly Howe

12 /fashion@gairrhydd.com

The

fashion

e pinks while Peacock blues fight with ceris rples pu acid yellows battle with regal d you have an toss in some animal prints an Quench is outfit worth fighting for. This nce of this Fashion's homage to the brillia summer's colour palette.

h s a Cl fashion@gairrhydd.com / 13

fashion

One For The Boys!

Preppy cool Embracing spring/summer's trend of the American-influenced preppy cool couldn’t be easier. Inspired by this season's love of urban sportswear, the look can be put together by referencing pastel polo shirts and a light cardi teamed with some classic chinos.

14 /fashion@gairrhydd.com

Playing with pattern With summer slowly creeping in, what better time than now to play with colour, pattern and checks such as gingham and plaid shirts, which can be thrown on with your old torn jeans for an instant spring summer update. Simply add a trilby and you’re good to go, guys; an easy and achievable look for those summer festivals.

Meggings Or better known as men’s leggings. As seen on the ever flamboyant characters Russell Brand and Noel Fielding, meggings show the male skinny jean to be pushing boundaries like never before, with designers such as Marni and McQueen experimenting with an array of different textures and fabrics. This trend may signal dangerous fashion territory for many, so approach with caution, but if brave enough to try this look, keep it simple with a plain white T shirt and plimsolls or casual brogues, keeping other accessories to a minimum.

Emily Cater

fashion

S

pring might be here, but the climate shows no sign of acknowledging it. Cardiff’s schizophrenic weather, ranging from rain to glorious sunshine, has made dressing for this particular season an inconveniently complex affair.

With cold temperatures still lingering, it would be fatal to make an abrupt switch from thick and cosy to barely-there clothing.

The emergence of longer, brighter days calls for an alternative to

the trench coats and Ugg boots that steadfastly saw us through January.

So, how to dress for that odd transitional gap between the two extremes of Winter and Summer?

“

“

Making the Transition

think bright pinks, azure blues and lush greens...

Colour is a key player when dressing for Spring: bright pinks, azure blues and lush greens can be incorporated into your outfit in a variety of ways including tights and nu-rave print clothing. Stay warm with wool, but use it to lift an outfit too; try a vibrant chunkyknit scarf or a fine angora jumper the shade of a cloudless sky or young grass.

Now is

also the time to start wearing floral patterns, but stick to small, delicate prints like those found on ditsy tea dresses, preferably in pale or pastel shades. Those hovering between conservatism in the name of warmth and a dare-to-bare attitude may be pleased to know that one-shouldered dresses have suddenly become immensely popular, allowing you to make your indecision known to all.

Men should aim for similarly versatile outfits that suit both rain and shine. Again, pay attention to colour but save the Hawaiian prints for later. Instead, have fun with bright accessories like neon belts, ties, and retro trainers or hi-tops. The ultimate wardrobe favourite of the moment seems to be the combination of a patterned hoodie underneath a leather jacket, which you can remove once the sun emerges. It’s the perfect failsafe outfit.

Renyi Lim Photographer: Sophie Pycroft.

Clothes: Flannels, Cardiff.

Make-up: Ellie-May James.

Models: Alise and Liz. Fashion Editors: Nicole Briggs and Amelia Sgroi

fashion@gairrhydd.com / 15

fashion

t i f t u o an worth r o f g n fighti 16 /fashion@gairrhydd.com

Got a st

now:

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08 5519

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features

Can't get through the day without examining notifications, removing tags and accepting invitations to mindless groups? Hannah Powell managed for 40 days and 40 nights and - believe it or not - she survived.

update that I had something of an epiphany. Whilst informing everybody and their mother (literally), that I was once again “strapped for cash and in desperate need of Topshoptherapy”, I began to ponder the weirdness of it all. Why was I over-crowding my mind with pointless information about people

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T

here came a point last term when suddenly, mid-Facebook check, I had a BIG realisation. It was somewhere between my daily status update and tagging my face in people’s photos that I became aware that Facebook had become an essential part of my life. Yes, I am ashamed to say I had become a Facebook addict!

The ritual of the eagerly anticipated ‘notification’ check and the excitement of the photo tags from the night before was now a deepseated part to my daily social life and I loved every minute of it. What better way to while away hours of procrastination, than a snoop on the latest drunken antics of your mates? How better to keep tabs on everyone’s plans, than via a check of the event-invite lists? Don’t deny that you, too, enjoy a cheeky little smirk when you see that the popular school-bitch has now turned into a fat slapper! Such joys were moments of guilty little pleasures, and socialising had never been easier.

But something had to give.

Yes, it was upon said status-

What am I going to miss out on?

I never speak to? Did I really want randomers from my past knowing the ins and outs of my life?

The creepiness of it all finally hit home, when a guy I’d never met before (or even added as a ‘friend’) decided to tell me that he “noticed my boyfriend wears glasses now”, after sneakily checking out my photos. How long had he been lurking and who else was spying from afar?! Needless to say, the stalker siren sounded and the privacy set-

tings were turned on! I needed a break from this ego-trip of a website and the only way to do it was by going freezing cold turkey!

Thankfully, Lent came a-knocking and whilst all my other housemates were giving up the customary chocolate fix, there was me giving up a website. Yes, it really was that sad! When I told people this, I was greeted with a mixture of sympathy, admiration and the common query, “why?!”. My reasons were as follows: Lent is about giving up a sin/ something bad for you. I turn into a massive ball of rage without chocolate and I like my wine far too much, so I figured that this was enough of an unhealthy habit (see ego-trip and stalker-boy) to warrant a sacrifice.

1. My social life functioned perfectly well before the invention of the “Fword”, so I could do it again.

2. It would deter procrastination and I might actually get some coursework done.

3. I would feel enlightened and

Facebook © 2009 %NGLISH 5+

18 /quenchfeatures@gairrhydd.com

features

4 to the pressures of modern living!

Unfortunately, the optomism didn't last. I was unsympathetically taunted by vicious housemates about the possibility of rumours appearing or my precious profile being violated in my absence.

Student elections came and went without so much as the joining of a

“

“

released from the shackles of the evil social networking sites! (Okay, so maybe a little extreme...)

For the following 40 days and 40 nights, I was to give up all unnecessary Facebooking. I’m far from Christian, so it was more of a postmodern attempt at Lent; I would continue to “fast” through Sundays (traditionally used as a day of rest from Lent), and I was permitted “essential” communication with regards to the ENCAP ball, which I was helping organise. I was to ignore notifications, emails, tags and anything else that could vaguely tempt my wandering eyes. Facebook mobile was also strictly off-limits (bye-bye lecture saviour!), all in the name of renewing good old-fashioned values.

I began the stint with utter fear inside me. Such paranoid thoughts included “What am I going to miss out on?”, “What if someone tags a hideous photo of me?” and my personal favourite, the dreaded possibility that I might actually have “NO NOTIFICATIONS” when I returned!

Nevertheless, I was determined to get a grip and I would not succumb

What if someone tags a hideous photo of me? worthy candidate’s group and I was forced to ignore the comforting little red speechbubble that welcomed me each time I logged in. As the notifications and emails totted up, I became increasingly frustrated with the bounty of useless information that I was missing out on. I had gone from an obsessive to a depressive. Events came and went.

Pokes remained un-poked.

The long March nights wore on, until the glorious day that was the

9th of April. Finally, I would get to unleashed my commenting and poking upon the world once again.

I waited with baited breath as I hit the “return” key, beside myself with what awaited me within. Little did I know, I would be utterly disappointed.

However, it wasn’t thanks to a dire lack of social jiggerypokery, oh no! There were the promised photo tags of nights out. The friend requests and the emails, too, remained ever-present. It was the fact that I really didn’t care! I was expecting the familiar satisfaction of witty banter and knowing that I was up-to-date with all the possible shenanigans of my friends; all I felt was astonishment that I was so reliant upon this website to begin with. I had still managed to continue my social life without the world imploding.

Today, my love-hate relationship with one of the world’s biggest networking sites remains steadfast.

Through both nail-biting necessity and hardcore abstinence, I have come out of Facebook rehab and lived to tell the tale.

!BOUT !DVERTISING $EVELOPERS #AREERS 4ERMS s &IND &RIENDS 0RIVACY -OBILE (ELP quenchfeatures@gairrhydd.com / 19

features

a trip down Tamagotchis, beanie babies and furbys: who can forget the wonders of a childhood of the 90s? We join Sarah George for a nostaglic day dream of the highs and lows of our generation's toys.

W

hen Barbie celebrated her 50th birthday two weeks ago, I was slightly taken aback. Not only has she outlived myself by an impressive 30 years, but she has given my very own mum a run for her money in the ageing stakes! In all honesty, I was completely shocked that despite her years she has retained the youthful beauty that many little girls have always wanted to get a piece of (and not a Botox needle in sight).

So as Barbie blew out that whopping congregation of candles on her inevitably pink birthday cake, I came over all nostalgic and it got me thinking about the several childhood crazes that swept the nation during my years as a tot.

One of my most prominent memories of mechanical offerings of play was undoubtedly the Tamagotchi.

As an ideal solution to those kids that were never allowed real pets, creator Aki Maita was literally rolling in it as the interest in these virtual animals remained for a good few years. Heaps of fun was to be had at your fingertips as your dog, cat or alien (yes, they did exist in Tamagotchi form) ate its food, washed in the shower or left you excrement to clear up – the reigning years of the Tamagotchi was one big barrel of laughs!

Still this was a craze that cannot be replicated, for kids nowadays rejoice in more complicated forms of technology. Despite the attempts to branch into all forms great and new, there is little that can be done to re-ignite the demand for this plaything! Yes, it is a sad realisation, but Tamagotchi Music Star, where your pet grows up to join a band, and Tamagotchi Plus-Colour,

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a more graphically enhanced mammalian friend, can no longer make the cut with current kid demand!

It wasn’t long before the slow death of the Tamagotchi was laid to rest that another craze looked set to take over...that of the Furby.

I remember waiting at least a year for my first fuzzy friend and boy, was it worth the slog! After queuing up for hours outside The Early Learning Centre (I was 10 at the time, slightly worrying, no?), I finally got my hands on my very own Furby - a grey and pink creation named Koko.

The hours of fun I had were endless and the one time I was allowed to take it into school, I felt my credibility soar a good few notches; my Furby made me feel complete!

However, apart from ‘feeding’ it, putting it to bed and making it purr, the Furby was a little limited for the hype that it caused and now, as it sits somewhere amongst bags of memorabilia in my household attic, I wonder whether it was actually worth all the fuss. The attempts at resurrection have been poor to say the least...

features

memory lane Furby Baby and an even more colourful range of the Gismo/gremlin-esque pets, aptly named Funky Furby, have done little to bring back the hysteria that once was, much to the disappointment of the manufacturers and their dwindling cash haul!

The rise of the Beanie Baby in the late 90’s, however, did more than offer a replacement to the popularity of the Furby. They were cute and innumerable and quickly became one of the most sought-after collectables of the decade. The idea was simple yet crafty, as we all tried to outdo each other in our ownership of these animal bean bags. Each even came with its own signature ‘Ty’ tag

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We all tried to outdo each other in our ownership of these animal beanbags

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revealing the name of the toy and which soon became dog-eared and faded at the expense of the specially-designed Beanie tag protectors.

McDonalds were quick to jump on this money spinner of a bandwagon, offering miniature versions (Teenie Beanies) of the cuddly toys in their children’s Happy Meals; the ‘Ty’ empire was positively booming. The bog-standard soft toy has to this day been an idea that will never fall flat. The Cabbage Patch Doll range was an exciting new prospect at my tender age of six – the thought that there was a magic land where dolls grew in cabbage patches, complete with very own birth certificate, was enough to

let this Christmas present occupy me for a good few months. The further release of the Cabbage Patch clothes range could have been the greatest invention to date during my weeks of fixation with this doll, because they weren’t just ordinary outfits,oh no – your Cabbage Patch kid could be transformed into a cowgirl, a disco diva or even a clown (among others) all in the space of an afternoon. To this day I maintain that my doll was sold off in a car boot sale. In the end, maybe my constant requirement for a new outfit for my Cabbage Patch just took its toll on my mum and her forever-lightening purse.

Still, it is without a doubt that whenever a TV show or band begins to gain critical acclaim, their PR team goes into overdrive and starts dishing out any form of merchandise that will rake in a few extra dollar.

This was made apparent during the nineties when Spice Girl photos and Pokémon cards became all the rage on the school playground, as we engaged in entrepreneurial trading sessions at break time. Spice Girl photos were a fairly easy concept to grasp, with ‘rare’ photographs (mainly old-school, pre-big-time Spice Girls) and member collectables as the stuff of photo gold.

In contrast, I was not up to scratch with the Pokémon phenomenon.

As not being a regular viewer of the show it was with great difficulty that I tried to master the value of each card, often ending up worse off in trades. Yet as was the general consensus for childhood toy crazes, the teachers decided things were getting out of hand and banned all cards from school. So it seems that maybe the teams behind dwindling childhood obsessions should have had a word with the schooling system, for bans on their

products were most likely responsible for their fall in sales and the inordinately long list of these short-lived childhood necessities. For the moment, however, I'm happy to just wallow in the memories of the toys that once were.

quenchfeatures@gairrhydd.com / 21

blinddate

Blind Date The love goddesses are back match-making two gorgeous singletons, but will they find love?

Kat

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“

Simon

Weirdly, he's been to my house before... we had a really good time!

Blinddate: Kat, lets get down to the nitty gritty, what would you rate Simon out of 10?

Kat: He was really nice, so i'll give him an 8.

What were your first impressions of him?

I thought he looked really friendly becuase he had a big smile on his face.

What was the most interesting thing you learnt about Simon?

Oooo I suppose it would be the fact that he's travelling to Australia for free this Easter.

Jealous! So were there any shocking moments?

Weirdly he'd been to my house before when we had a house party, but strangely we didn't meet.

How would you describe Simon in three words?

It would have to be friendly, outgoing and fun.

So do you think you'll be in touch?

Yeah I hope so, we had a really good time.

Time for the infamous question: chuck, fuck or marry?

He's a really nice guy, so i'll go for marry.

Blinddate: Simon now it's time for you to give your side of the story. What would you rate Kat out of 10?

Simon: It will have to be a 7.

What were your first impressions of Kat? She seemed really nice and friendly because she was instantly easy to talk to.

Were there any highlights of the date?

Just that we had a really good time. The conversation was really easy so the date flew by.

What was the most interesting thing you learnt about Kat? I know this might sound boring, but we were into the same music so we had lots to talk about in that respect.

How would you describe Kat in three words?

Friendly, chilled-out and pretty.

So will you keep in touch?

Yeah i think so - we've got loads of friends in common.

Would you rather chuck, fuck or marry Kat? I'm going for fuck!

Kat and Simon enjoyed a gorgeous meal at Mordaith Bar and Grill, Oceana. For bookings call 02920 233854

e ? Email us! r potential soulmate on a blind dat blinddate@gairrhydd.com / 23

Fancy taking a chance to find you

Music to m gay

James Moore pumps up the volume and examines the sacred bond between gays and the music and musicians they just love to love.

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begin with answering why the gay community haven taken to heroworshipping a selected few from the ever glamourous world of the pop music? Gay culture and celerity culture are inextricably linked. Both are popularly associated with an obsession for style, flamboyance

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A good gay icon is glamourous, controversial, extrovert and a survivor of adversity

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M

usic can be a tribal experience. It can unify even the most diverse of people and give a voice to those who struggle to find theirs. In the words of the gay high priestess herself, ‘Music makes the people come together, music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel’. For the LGBT, music means so much more than a string of notes and a big fat bass line. It is a means of expression. The dancefloor is hallowed ground for the gays. It’s where we pose and pull; where we dance, and where we throw some shapes to songs that mean something to us. The gays tend to find conformity in the music they love, sharing an affinity for the artists that have appealed to gay sentiment. Artists that stand out, fight back, talk of love and loss, all in one big fat out-andproud dance classic are the ones that appeal to the pink pound.

As Julie Andrews advised in ‘The Sound of Music’, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Let’s

and fashion. Both have the ability to create huge controversy and provocation. Ultimately, both are hugely dependent on the existence of the other. This dependency is proven by the fact that gay adoration has the power to transform D-list undesirables into supernova

superstars, as shown by the ascent of the power players in the music biz. In return for the fame and fortune that comes from appealing to the pink pound, the tragic twists and turns of celebrity reward gay fans with some inspirational stories of survival against scrutiny. As gays are victimised by homophobic opposition, the musical artists we love and adore are trashed and taunted by the tabloid press, creating an empathetic bond between the two.

A good gay icon is glamorous, controversial, extrovert and a survivor of adversity; essentially everything that is characteristically gay.

But even though it’s clear that homos and their homaged artists are inextricably linked, are gay icons still an important part of our present homo heritage? The celebrities most often connected with the term 'gay idol' are the likes of Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand; celebrities that are either no longer alive, or that are no longer hugely relevent in popular culture or to the new generation of the LGBT. But just because the Streisands and the Garlands of days gone by have failed to set the hearts of contem-

my Queers gay

music. The beauty of Mr Wainwright as an artist is that he is an obsessive gay fanatic himself, always putting on a proud display of his long lasting love affair with his own musical idol, Judy Garland in his critically acclaimed concerts.

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“

porary homosexuals ablaze, many other celebrities have happily offered to fill Dorothy’s ruby slippers, and have reinvented what it is to be a gay idol in the twenty first century.

So in order to adequately celebrate the music idols we still love to love, and the new ones that have earned gay admiration, Gay Quench took to the hustle and bustle of Park Place to find out who our fine university still have as their gay idol....

I don't care how many times you've been to CYNT, or how many Metallica tracks you have on your Ipod, you love Girls Aloud! Just face it! But i doubt you have quite as much affection for them as the gays. Gays have loved the fabulous five since ‘Sound of the Under ground’, but from the moment Ms Cole sat her size 4 posterier behind the X Factor desk, Cheryl established herself as the undoubted ‘Angel of the North’.

Rufus Wainwright offers a slightly more avant garde musical appreciation for the more discerning of gay.

You won’t find his music pumping out of the speakers at any gay clubs, but his acoustic and emotive melodies have opened up the ears of the LGBT to an entirely different genre of

Even now at the age of 63, Cher's still at it Born Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere, Cher has had a career that has endured five decades. Even now at the age of 63, she’s still at it, playing a greatest hits show in Las Vegas for the next three years. And of course, in true Cher style, she’s looking more plastic-fantastic than ever while she churns out her huge retrospective of hits. As she says herself, she will always continue to be her ever-outlandship, exuberant self in case “drag queens around the world lose the will to live”. Cher has been written off many times, but always rises up from the ashes, proving

that she is the only other living organism along with cockroaches that could survive a nuclear war! Cher has become the epitome of what a gay idol should be: fierce, fabulous and forever!

Madonna may be Queen, but every queen needs her Princess…. step forward Kylie Minogue, the best thing to come out of Ramsay Street since Harold Bishop’s tuba!

Our pint-sized Princess of Poofs and Pop has been knocking out hit after hit since 1987, thanks to her magic mix of camp, charm and cheese. But it wasn’t until 2000, when Kylie strapped on those gold hot pants and took back her disco diva status with her albums ‘Light Years’ and ‘Fever’. She then retreated again from the public after a battle with cancer. Now healthy and back better than ever, Minogue is proving once and for all she is one of the great gay musical icons: sexy, strong and a survivor!

gay@gairrhydd.com / 25

travel

AUSSIE RULES

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travel

Australia has always been a mecca for British backpackers looking for sun, sea and cheap beer. Simon Lucey jumps on the bandwagon heading to the state of Victoria to see what all the fuss is about - all in the name of research, of course...

ans National Park renowned for its rugged mountain scenery and rich source of aboriginal art. One of the best places to base yourself is Halls Gap, a small town in the heart of the Northern Grampians with the best tourist facilities. However, beware: due to its remote location it is more expensive than the rest of Victoria so it's advisable to bring food with you if you are on a tight budget. Akin to Apollo Bay there is a YHA which is good value and just a few minutes walk from the centre of the town.

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Melbourne's most fashionable subhurb, St Kilda, boasts a beach as beautiful as the bodies that lie on it

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E

veryone knows the best places to go in Australia, don’t they? You’ve got the stunning Barrier Reef, the wild outback, and the mind-blowing Sydney, so why would you go to the south-east state of Victoria?

Well, it turns out that Victoria has got more to it than Neighbours after all.

Victoria is dominated by the spectacular city of Melbourne, and has often been all too easily written off by British travellers due to its reputation for poor weather and the lack of obvious tourist attractions when compared with Sydney’s Opera House or Queensland’s Barrier Reef. However, don't be fooled, because Melbourne is Australia’s most cosmopolitan city and is surrounded by many great tourist attractions just a short distance from its centre.

Possibly the most iconic of these attractions is the Great Ocean Road. This ultimate roadtrip hugs the coastline west of Melbourne, passing through some of Australia’s most dramatic scenery including the Twelve Apostles, a series of majestic limestone stacks rising out of the southern ocean. Further west you will arrive at Apollo Bay, a small, unremarkable seaside town with an attractive beach. In this quiet town you will find the friendly Gilbert and Gay, who run the Eco-beach YHA where, in exchange for a couple of hours cleaning, you can have a free bed and good company. It's not just the town, however, which should attract you here; there are phenomenal outdoor activities, be it walking the coast, surfing, or surely the most striking a sea-kayaking tour of the massive local seal colony.

North of the Great Ocean road lies the 168,000 hectares Grampi-

In Halls Gap there is the relatively new Brambuk Aboriginal Cultural Centre which offers a personal insight into the local aboriginal history and can also organize guided tours of some of the local aboriginal art.

There are very few centres dedicated to aboriginal art in Australia and it is sobering to hear Aborigines talk frankly about their tough past.

Victoria also offers superb wine tours of the Yarra valley for alcohol enthusiasts. However, its greatest draw must be the dazzling city of Melbourne. The city simply has something for everyone. If you're feeling flush you should try a bit of shopping on the South Bank, fol-

lowed by dinner looking out over the city and possibly a visit to the casino later when you've worked up the courage.

Meanwhile, sports enthusiasts should focus their time on the Yarra Park Precinct, the highlight of which is probably the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) - the site of many a ‘pom-bashing’. The young and beautiful will want to head straight to St Kilda, Melbourne’s most fashionable suburb which boasts a beach as beautiful as the bodies that lie on it.

The centre is very simple to navigate due to its grid-like structure.

However, this has allowed for an infamous series of lane alleys where all of Melbourne’s best kept secrets lie. Hours can be spent stumbling across new bars, art galleries, and one-off boutiques which double up as music and comedy venues at night which always provide surprises.

One of the bars that you must visit is known as Section 8. It is located on Tattersall’s Lane (best of luck finding it) and made simply of two shipping containers and a hell of a lot of chairs and crates. Tucked down China Town, this bar has served the ranks of Melbourne’s art and student scenes that care not for façade or frippery, and those who believe a solid conversation and a stiff drink go head-to-head with a Gucci bag any day. Essentially, this bar sums up everything that is great about Victoria: its undiscovered gems and friendly people.

Fly from £580: www.emirates.com Sleep from £15 per night: www.yha.com For more info: www.australia.com

travel@gairrhydd.com / 27

Sponsored by

travel

a d n a w

r

...without borders

Rwanda was ravaged by genocide in the 1990s, and the road to recovery has been long and full of setbacks for this small nation in the heart of Africa.

Rebecca Ganz reports on the progress it has made. ernment has banned political parties from affiliating themselves with tribes. However, due to violent tribal conflicts in neighbouring Congo, Burundi, and Uganda, democracy and peace are far from secure in Rwanda.

As I arrived in Kigali in summer 2006 I found to my surprise that despite its violent history, Rwanda remains a stunningly beautiful country, made up mostly of forest-covered mountains and farmland.

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Due to violent tribal conflicts in neighbouring countries, democracy and peace are far from secure

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T

ucked away between the immense nations of eastern Africa is a little-visited country with a somewhat chequered history. The small but perfectly formed nation of Rwanda is an essential pit stop for every intrepid traveller who wants to get away from the hustle and bustle of the tourist magnets in northern Tanzania and southern Uganda. Let's face it: there are only so many safari parks and loud American tourists a person can take.

However, Rwanda’s recent past is a troubled one, and it is not usually associated with the image of an African idyll that its nickname ‘The Land of a Thousand Hills’ suggests. The genocide of 1994 is probably one of the first international news stories that people of our generation were aware of. It was the culmination of decades of civil war and hatred between the Hutu and Tutsi tribes, and between 800,000 and 1 million people were killed in the uprising.

The genocide itself was sparked on 6th April 1994 when the Hutu President of Rwanda was killed in a plane crash in Kigali. It has never been definitively established whether the crash was an accident or an assassination, but the resulting anger was impossible to contain by a thoroughly inadequate UN peacekeeping force.

Members of the Interahamwe militia ran riot, attacking Tutsis and moderate Hutus. Since then, huge efforts have been made to heal the tribal rift in Rwanda. Since their spectacular failure in 1994 the UN and many other NGOs have been pouring money and manpower into the rebuilding process, and the gov-

Thanks to the vast amount of international aid, Rwanda’s roads are excellent and travelling by public transport is easy. This is helped along by the fact that most Rwandans speak good French and proved to be some of the most welcoming and hospitable people I have encountered on my travels. Watching the 2006 World Cup final as a conspicuous white girl in a cinema full of young men would have been intimidating in most other places, but here I was having a friendly chat over a Primus beer about the joys and pitfalls of the world of football.

Rwanda also has much to offer in terms of places to see. The most

obvious is the opportunity to see the rare and beautiful mountain gorillas of the Volcanoes National Park. As these stunning creatures are close to extinction, it is an opportunity not to be missed.

However, as I was travelling on a very limited budget, my personal highlights were to explore Rwanda’s towns. Kigali is a maze of streets that stretch across steep mountainsides and hide numerous quaint shops and cafes, while in contrast the political and commercial centres of the city are made up of wide streets and glass high-rises. Butare is a provincial town in the south of the country and well worth visiting for the National Museum.

It was great to learn more about Rwanda before the genocide, although it was a little disappointing that, at the time, this horrendous chapter of the nation’s history was not acknowledged by the exhibition.

However, our friendly and knowledgeable guide assured us that this omission was being corrected.

Butare also proved to be the best place to go for souvenir shopping.

The final stop on my whistle stop tour was Gisenyi on the northern shore of Lake Kivu. It's a favourite holiday destination for wealthy Rwandans and offers stunning white beaches along the volcanic lake with a spectacular view of the distant Congo border. It is an ideal place to relax after weeks of travelling.

Although Rwanda still faces many problems, including widespread poverty, the remaining physical and mental scars of the genocide, and a tourist industry still in its infancy, I cannot recommend a visit to this tiny gem in the heart of Africa enough.

travel@gairrhydd.com / 29

travel

The

Lon

You don't get many real life explorers these days. Dominic Faulkner's expedition from the lowest point on earth to the highest represents one of the last great overland challenges for man. Simon Lucey shares a brew

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11 people died on the mountain that year... It's a sobering statistic

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The 8,000km cycle ride climbed 1000m starting at the Dead Sea, and headed east through some of the

30 /travel@gairrhydd.com

most politically-unstable countries in the world, including Syria, Iran, and Pakistan, and on to the final destination of Everest. His final ascent to the summit of Everest was traumatic as he fell ill on the final stretch of the cycle. However against all the odds, weakened and substantially lighter, he conquered the peak following a five-month cycle.

Dom reminisces about when he first conceived of the idea shortly after the 9/11 attacks: “Somebody suggested that it should be the Axis of Evil expedition because the whole area seemed to be in American sights.” His plan was loose. “I realized my biggest strength was not as a brilliant climber or cyclist of which I’m neither," he said. "I realized if I got a group of quite savvy travellers we could probably get through those countries without too much hassle.”

I want to find out more about just how physically demanding the cycle ride was. Dom describes the toughest stage, cycling from Kathmandu to the base camp of Everest. “At Kathmandu you aren’t really that high, so that last 10 days was all the climbing up onto the Tibetan plateau.

I got ill in that period and the wind was terrible - our penultimate day cycling was only 35km (just over 20 miles), but I found that tougher than when we cycled 140 miles a day in Iran.”

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I’d been doing this trip for over 5 months and planning it for three years... I just felt utter relief

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S

haring a cup of tea in the laid-back Cotswold town of Cheltenham, it is difficult to imagine any world outside with the sort of challenges that this man has submitted himself to.

Billed as the “last great overland journey,” Dom led the 15 person EverestMax expedition “from the lowest point on earth to the highest.” His character was perfectly summed up by the legendary polar explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes who said "Dom's determination not to be thwarted is truly inspiring"

But it was not just the physical demands that made this a hard trip. The expedition was extremely unlucky in terms of timing, reaching Turkey just as bird flu hit it, Iran as the development of nuclear facilities was at its height, and reaching Pakistan as the Danish press printed cartoons mocking Muhammad, causing massive demonstrations against the

travel

ngest Climb fitter and more athletic than me, but they were used to doing exercise and eating straight afterwards, a very structured pattern. But on the

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in Iran they think they’ve got a very negative image abroad, so they always went out of their way to help us

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West. Along with this, the Pakistani police often provided more of a hindrance than help. “They stopped us and said we couldn’t go on into this town for whatever reason, and at times the trip felt under threat.”

Despite this, Dom insists he never felt truly unwelcome, especially in Iran. He explains, “in Iran the irony is because they think they’ve got a very negative image abroad they always went out of their way to help us be it offering us fruit or food, or a bed for the night. For example, our support vehicle broke down badly and somebody towed it to a garage for us and the garage manager had his whole team on it and fixed it for free overnight. It must have cost him a fortune but he wouldn’t accept anything for it.”

As he breaks for a slurp of tea, I take the opportunity to ask about what it takes to be successful on the final ascent, which looked so unlikely due to his ill health, which at one stage caused him to retreat of the mountain to a lower altitude to recover. “Some very fit people don’t adjust to Everest. We had a couple of guys on our team who were much

mountain its not like that - sometimes you don’t eat for a day if the weather is rubbish, or you have to go back to get something you’ve forgotten.” The fact that 11 people died on the mountain that year is a sobering reminder of just what the risks are.

He struggles to describe the feeling at the top: “It was pretty emotional getting to the top but my main

feeling was one of relief, because I’d been doing this trip for over five months and planning it for three years, and I just felt utter relief that it was downhill all the way. The first time I felt truly happy was getting off the mountain thinking, A. I’d done it, and B. I’d survived."

Sat in the comfort of the school where Dominic teaches physics it seems that this is a logical end to his adventures. He seems content gorging on biscuits and sipping tea, but he already has his next expedition in the pipeline. This time it's a solo effort though, “to follow the whole route of the Colorado River in the States, from source to sea.” The plan, as with EverestMax, seems simple: to take an inflatable raft and “if there are any dodgy bits just walk around”, although he concedes “anything could happen - apparently there is not much water at the moment.” I'm sure he'll figure some way round.

Read all about it in Dominic's new book The Longest Climb. Available in bookshops and www.amazon.com

travel@gairrhydd.com / 31

Sunny s food

yummy! And t Eggs eggs eggs. They smell like a sweaty builder's arse, but taste ellent. of yellow and white goodness, and is here to tell you why. Egg-c thought…one of the greatest foods on earth!

With the exception of the contribution of Easter, eggs are nutritious, cheap, versatile, and can last for up to four to six weeks in the fridge! Not that you’ll need them to last that long after reading this article. I believe that eggs are highly underrated as a student food, and can go so far beyond the boiled and fried variety!

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nutritious, cheap, versatile... one of the greatest foods on earth!

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I

f someone asked you to list some typical student foods, what would you say? Baked beans on toast? Mama’s buy-oneget-one-free pizzas on a Sunday?

A cheeky slither of your flatmate's cheese? (Don’t pretend you’ve never done that). Well, today I am asking you to step away from the generic greasy, indigestion-inspiring foods that give us students our bad stereotype, and consider eggs. Eggs! Who would have

recipes Baked Eggs One of the most underrated student foods. It’s fast, filling, and you can add whatever you want to it for a really fantastic meal. (serves two) - 2 eggs - 1 can of chopped tomatoes - 1 chopped onion - Anything in your fridge you need to finish, e.g. leftover roast, ham, cheese, mushrooms etc - Seasonings (I like to use paprika and chilli powder…but curry powder also works well) 1. Pre-heat the oven to a high temperature and fry the onions in a saucepan until they turn clear 2. Add the can of chopped tomatoes and simmer for a few minutes,

32 /food@gairrhydd.com

then add the seasonings and your choice of leftovers.

3. Pour the contents of the saucepan into a baking dish, make two little wells (or more for however many eggs you are using/people you are serving) crack the eggs into the wells (but do not mix them in!) and stick it in the oven for about 15-20 minutes.

4. Serve with toast, couscous, rice, or just on its own. You can make this dish look really fancy by serving it with a sprig of parsley on top – great if you are looking to show off your new culinary skills.

‘Spanish’ Omelette Technically, an omelette is Spanish if it has onions and potatoes in it… but the concept works really well with anything in it.

- 4 eggs - ½ an onion chopped - 1 thinly sliced potato - Anything you have leftover in your fridge. Chopped tomatoes work really well.

- A generous splash of milk 1. Fry the potato slices and onion in a tablespoon of oil or a knob of butter for a few minutes, and then add the tomato or any of your leftovers.

2. Whisk the eggs and milk together in a bowl and season, then pour the eggs into the pan. Spread the ingredients evenly and cook for 4 minutes.

3. When the mixture has started to turn solid, stick the pan under the grill for a further 2 minutes to allow the top of the omelette to cook. This is great served with a salad, and really filling!

ide up?

they're nice and easy to cook... bonus! Harriet Davies loves those

Hollandaise Sauce Feeling a bit fancy? Have a bash at making your own egg-based sauces…they are really not that difficult! Serve this sauce with fish or chicken. For Eggs Benedict, poach an egg and place it on top of a slice of ham on toast, then spoon a generous serving of this Hollandaise sauce on top.

- 3 egg yolks - A large knob of butter/margarine - 2 tablespoons of lemon juice (about the juice of one lemon) - Salt and pepper 1. To separate the yolks, crack the egg in half and gently slip the yolk into the other half, letting the white

Snow Pudding This is a fantastic, really quick pudding you can make with the leftover egg whites from the Hollandaise Sauce. It’s called Snow Pudding because it literally looks like a little bowl of snow, and is only about 129 calories per serving! You can’t go wrong with that…

- 3 egg whites - 125 mils of cold water - 250 mils of boiling water - 3 tablespoons of lemon juice - 200g of white sugar (if you don’t have scales, that’s about 1 small cup full) - Unflavoured gelatine (you can get this from Lidl)

drip out as you do it. Keep alternating the yolk into the other half of the egg shell until all the white has gone.

2. Next, boil some water in the bottom of a saucepan, and balance a bowl on top of the saucepan, but not touching the boiling water (like when melting chocolate). In the bowl, combine the yolks, lemon juice, and seasoning. Stir gently.

3. Add half the butter to the bowl and mix it in as it melts. As the mixture begins to thicken, add the remaining butter. When all the butter is melted and mixed in, remove the bowl from the heat. There you have it, easy hollandaise sauce, an egg-cellent dessert…

food

pearly ovals

Egg Trivia: Eggs contain the highest quality source of protein you can buy The average egg contains only 74 calories The average price of a box of a dozen eggs in Cardiff is £1.50, free range of course…

They're rich in antioxidants which vitally help reduce the risk of serious eye condition ARMD, which accounts for 50 per cent of the UK's blindness and sight problems.

Britain consumes an average of 26 million eggs a day!

1. Start by placing the gelatine in the cold water and leave to soak.

2. Next, beat the egg whites in a bowl with a whisk until the mixture turns white and stiff (good for the bingo wings), then stop.

3. Boil some water in a pan, add the gelatine to it and stir in until it dissolves, then add the lemon juice and sugar. Stir until the mixture becomes like syrup.

4. Then take of the heat, and gently fold into the egg whites. Stick it in the fridge for an hour and then spoon into bowls and serve!

food@gairrhydd.com / 33

books

Books ...they're what trees were made for, yeah?

The Semantics of Murder, Aifric Campbell (Serpent's Tail)

A

34 /books@gairrhydd.com

“

“

spiring writers are almost without exception told to write about what they know.

Aifric Campbell has clearly taken this to heart.

In this, her first novel, the former semantics lecturer and student of psychotherapy and creative writing writes about a psychotherapist who creatively writes about his cases, and the psychotherapist’s brother, a murdered professor of linguistics.

But that’s not the problem. Nor is the generally strong writing style, although it does have some unnecessarily flowery flourishes. It’s the incessant reminders that Campbell has studied psychotherapy, and is therefore qualified to intersperse the actual, y’know, story with tedious passages detailing her views on Freud and psychotherapy as a discipline.

This would be forgivable if it added to the character of the psychotherapist, but even though they’re disguised as his own thoughts these sections are just self-indulgent.

It’s a reasonable read throughout, but the only bit that really interested me was the chronicling of events around the linguist’s death, based on the real-life murder of a philosophy professor.

Solid but unremarkable, then, but sorely lacking in invention and an ability to step back and look at what might actually interest the reader rather than the writer.

Jamie Thunder

Sorely lacking in invention and missing what might interest a reader

books grant a greater understanding of harrowing issues, it can also reduce them to simply pages within a book, a set of sordid encounters we don’t have to experience for ourselves.

“

her quintessentially American belief in inner strength quickly becomes grating

M

isery literature, as a genre, exists within a state of contradiction: while it can

“

Stalked, Kate Brennan (Penguin)

The problem with Stalked is that it falls a little too heavily into the trap of the latter, yet fails to provide much by way of the horrifying vicarious details that fans of the mis-lit genre will have come to expect from the canon. There’s much about the psychological impact of the stalking, but with a stalker who can afford to hire underlings to do his dirty work,

T

he world which Broken Glass (our narrator) inhabits is one coloured by the monotony and despair of alcoholism, self doubt and reflection.

A washed up literature teacher, he has been commissioned by the

“

it paints a poignant, disturbing yet colourful picture, but it's also bloody funny

“

Broken Glass, Alain Mabanckou (Serpent's Tail)

owner of the bar, Stubborn Snail, to write the book. It paints a poignant, disturbing, yet colourful picture, by retelling the history of the customers who frequent our hero’s favoured bar Credit Gone West. Yet this said it is not a depressing book it’s actually

Brennan never comes face-to-face with him – what suspense is built throughout the narrative simply tails off into repetitiveness.

Kate Brennan is also, apparently, not the author’s real name.

Fair enough, really – would you want to publish a memoir of being stalked under your real name if your stalker was still at large? I certainly wouldn’t; I wouldn’t be publishing anything about myself.

I’d be keeping my head very much below the parapet. But I’m not Kate Brennan. Though she’s obviously a strong character, her quintessentially American belief in this inner strength is stressed often enough that it fast becomes grating, rendering her annoying and unsympathetic.

For a quick dose of spine-chilling, “thank God it’s not me!” creeps, Stalked is fine, but that aside there’s little of interest and even less of amusement. For airport reading only.

Emma Davies

bloody funny in places, expressing the kind of wit and irony only found in subject matter so bleak.

The free-flowing, unstructured, almost impulsive writing style meanders through a wide variety of issues affecting the Congo, such as African Democracy and poverty. Yet it does so with natural unassuming humour and without attempting to appoint blame.

Mabanckou’s skill as a writer is obvious; the novel is peppered with literary references many of which I am sure I missed due to my lack of expertise in French literature. His clever character development manages to simultaneously revolt and compel. I am left with some hideous imagery but it is not overbearing, and creates some of the most memorable characters I have ever experienced.

Although it is not an easy read, that is not to say that it isn’t worth a bit of hard work. Simultaneously managing to be challenging and layered whilst enjoyable and amusing, I would recommend it.

Nicole Briggs

books@gairrhydd.com / 35

books is fifteen lines, and even then, thirteen fairly sparse ones.

That for me is probably the collection's biggest problem. The poems are so short that there seems to be nothing to particularly catch you. Long poems are no bad thing; some of the most famous poems in history are more than four pages.

A number of short poems, even if

“

It's hardly value for money: the whole collection probably wouldn't cover more than 2 sides of A4

K

evin Mills says that he doesn't like long poems and only writes short ones.

That's no lie - the longest poem

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Fool, Kevin Mills (Cinnamon Press)

they're part of a sequence, becomes a bit tedious and disconnecting after a few pages. It's also hardly value for money: the whole collection, only 80 pages anyway, probably wouldn't cover more than 2 sides of A4.

There's also a lack of titles. Poem are often '1', '2' or '3.' I'm pretty sure I'd be told off if I wrote like that in my creative writing class.

The content is largely observations on various places in Wales, alternating between welsh hills, museums and the A470. One poem focuses on the Museum of Welsh Life in St Fagans. This is where his reluctance to write lengthy pieces is a bit flawed: the museum is really quite large, and the poem doesn't really do it any justice.

Another poem concerns a conversation between two chav students discussing the plot of Othello, which is hilarious, if a little patronising to the attitudes that A-level students often have about writing. After all, when you're young you really do pick up on the plot-holes of Shakespeare in a way than trained academics don't. Mills's reading of this poem portrays the two chav Cardiff accents well, but that isn't so well presented on the page.

The subject matter is decent enough, but the length of the poems and the attitude behind some of the poems hint at a snobby elitism lurking that suggests that the collection isn't so much about great writing, but being someone in Welsh writing.

Aisling Tempany

Books in Cardiff literary goings-on near you this month

6 May Poets Claire Potter and Jan Villarubia read from their work and discuss the role of New Orlean's Hurricane Katrina on their recent work.

Wales Millennium Centre, and it's FREE.

Organised by Academi, who pormote literature and it's free, it's free. Why not get more involved in arty-cool things that are free instead of paying money to watch some rubbish film or rubbish band?

It'll enhance your life, or at least make people think you're smarter.

Seriously, are there no people out there who like to read and go to arty events?

10 May Bitch Blaze: 12 female performance poets.

Chapter Arts Centre, £5

An attention-grabbing title, but there's not much other information on this event, which seems a bit pointless. The location and the title suggest art-house feminism. As does the price.

Am I really alone? Does anyone read this page? Perhaps this section could become a lonely hearts instead: Books Ed seeks tall, dark, handsome poet to take over the world with. Or at least the Isle of Man.

37 / books@gairrhydd.com

arts

Dave Spikey St David's Hall 25 April 2009

D

ave Spikey, best known for his TV appearance on Phoenix Nights, is touring the country with his latest comedy act named after his dad’s favourite saying, “laughter is the best medicine.”

Spikey appeared relaxed on centre stage and eased the audience into the night by opening the show with some hilarious headlines from local newspapers. He gave an insight into the local news stories, “I gave him my kidney and then he broke my heart”. He also reveals a new trend where burglars are not just happy with stealing your belongings, they also want to leave a little something for you as well. In this case the burglar had relieved themselves in an OAP’s hotpot.

It's his experience in the NHS as a biomedical scientist which provides most of the laughs.

Unsurprisingly, he describes the incompetence of the NHS and how ditzy some of his colleagues and nurses were. He also had a jibe at the Government's attempts to cut down on binge drinking: “10p on a pint of beer. That's about an extra £1 for a night out. That’s really going to persuade you to stay in and watch Grand Designs!” It’s this take on everyday life and his deliverance which is the key ingredient to making the audience laugh.

At the heart of this one-man show are hilarious one liners: “Looking through a fork is like being in prison.” This ability to make the mundane activities laughable proves how clever and witty Spikey’s observations are. His life experiences are also thrown in and he is endearing by being able to laugh at himself. In particular, a drunken mistake: “I have been married twice and the first one was a definite mistake, no really it was a mistake - I asked her ‘will you carry me?."

The sharp, fast paced and wide range of topics such as binge drinking and the NHS, are the reasons behind his wide appeal and worth as a comedian.

a dose of comedy Laughter really is the best medicine Lisa Evans finds out why

Coming Up...

Ross Noble St David’s Hall 14 May 2009 Acclaimed comedian Ross Noble brings his latest show to Cardiff, on the topic of well, ‘Things’. Recently voted one of the greatest stand ups of all time by Channel 4 viewers, this is anticipated to be an exciting performance brimming with originality. At last year’s Latitude festival he started a conga around the site.

Enough said.

Chris Corcoran Sherman 22 May 2009

After a successful tour supporting comedy legend Rob Brydon, cheeky Welsh comic Chris Corcoran will be performing his latest material at the Sherman in May. Best known for his entertaining shows on BBC Radio Wales, expect a humorous take on life and culture in Wales.

Russell Howard Wales Millennium Centre 15 June 2009 It is hard not to have heard of Russell Howard. The star of ‘Mock the Week’ is back in Cardiff after three sell-out tours in one year. His latest show ‘Dingledodies’ promises another instalment of his zany take on comedy. Book quickly or risk missing out on wackiness.

arts@gairrhydd.com / 39

101101010010100010001001100110110011001100111011011 011011001001100010100101010101010101100

PC WORLD

The whole world's gone politically correct, yeah? Not in gaming it hasn't. Tom Baker joins the PC brigade to find out more

ames as a cultural medium seem to have flown under the radar in recent years in terms of political correctness.

Sure, the violence issue has reared its ugly head many times as a great way to win easy votes in elections from people over 40, but homosexuality and gender issues have tended to be on the fringe to game developers since Ms Pacman. Who probably crosses all three boundaries.

Gay people in games are practically nonexistent, and although those of you out there hooked up to Wikipedia like a catheter of knowledge will be sure to correct me. I can’t actually think of a title where it has played any kind of real role. I suppose some of the overblown ‘queens’ in the numerous iterations of the GTA series count, as do the lesbian vampires in Masquerade, but I doubt this is really representative of the group. I’m not talking about making a game where homosexuality is part of the game play - as I type this the mind

boggles at the prospect, because in games portraying straight characters the fact that they are straight is never really addressed either. They don't ask the world to have homosexuality as part of a character's background as a normal

“

homosexuality and gender issues been on the fringe of gaming since Ms Pacman

“

G

digital

part of their lives without making a special issue of it.

Race issues in games have had surprisingly little coverage until recently, when Capcom made the fairly silly mistake of setting the newest release of Resident Evil in Africa, where you play a grizzled white man whose arms look as though they have been stuffed with grapefruit on a mission to apparently ethnically cleanse a small village. Of course this is bollocks, but to the uneducated this is how it appears.

There is no issue raised in the game about race, at least not directly. The concept is no different than the previous

Resident Evil where you are a grizzled white man who is apparently trying to ethnically cleanse a small Romanian village, and this raised no complaints.

Although I defend the ‘not a racist’ camp regarding Resident Evil 5, it doesn’t mean I can’t see a certain bias in games like Gears of War, where the only black character is called Coaltrain whose dialogue consists of generic phrases that sound like they were ripped from a seventies' American cop show.

Women by far have the toughest rap. Though some claim Lara Croft to be empowering, all I can see in her character design is a pandering to the legions of thirteen-year-old boys out there wearing out their controllers by furiously pressing the 'crouch' button. Fighting games especially seem to have shoehorned women into foxy boxers or Japanese school girls, which makes me question the Japanese education system severely.

The point is that a lot of female protagonists in games fill a very specific niche of a sexy femme fatale or a 'damsel in distress’.

Though I can name a few games with ‘real’ female characters, such as Left 4 Dead and Fahrenheit, they are a small section of the gaming world, not dedicated to Hollywood school of ‘bigger breasts, bigger sales’.

digital@gairrhydd.com / 41

digital REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIEWS REVIE

S

o, Halo Wars then. A realtime strategy on a console, based on a venerable and much-loved fictional universe (yes, it is fictional), the question is: ‘Is Halo Wars any good as a RTS game? The answer to that question is: “Yes, it’s not bad at all”.

For many console gamers, the idea of a RTS leaves them cold.

Empire: Total War PC £39.99

F

unny Hats: Total War, as it should otherwise be known, was the logical next step in the Total War series. The eighteenth century was when European powers forged empires, the 13 colonies broke away, and extravagant headwear ruled unquestioned.

The formula that’s made the Total War series a crown jewel of PC gaming holds true: turn-based empire building with real-time battles. Using a strategy map spanning

42 / digital@gairrhydd.com

with it a great deal of potential replay value if you’ve the inclination to earn every gold medal and gather every hidden skull. There’s also campaign co-op, which is great for trading tactics with a like-minded buddy. For the most part however, the appeal of Halo Wars will ultimately lie in the multiplayer skirmish mode, and although it lacks the objective based game play of the single-player mode (instead giving players a base from which to then amass an army faster than the opposition) it’s still a lot of fun – especially when you’re winning.

All in all Halo Wars ticks all of the cool boxes, whether it’s a Spartan jumping onto a Wraith tank and punching their way in to controlling them, Covenant Scarabs incinerating everything in their path, Hornets dog-fighting Banshees in frantic aerial battles, or simply an iconic Warthog leaping a chasm whilst firing off grenades, there’s plenty in here to keep any fan happy.

Bahnu Singh

Europe, India & America, you manage your economy, raise armies & orchestrate wars. As opposed to just developing cities as in previous Total War games, provinces are scattered with farms, workshops & whatnot, drawing you out of the towns to defend them from Johnny Foreigner.

Research now plays a role. Stick

games-worth of polish of the land battles, ship-to-ship combat is a lot of fun, and lets you recreate your Master & Commander fantasies to your heart’s content (not as kinky as it sounds). When armies clash on the campaign map you get to command your forces in real-time; as lines of infantry shoot, you can almost hear Michael Caine screaming “FIRE!”. Veterans of the series will be glad to know the AI is massively improved, as the stupidity of AI armies as they assaulted cities in the previous games was enough to drive you mad as a hatter.

The British developers have really targeted the US with this release.

The introductory campaign, ‘The Road To Independence’, tells the story of the Revolutionary War and uses words like “Liberty” and “Freedom” like there’s no tomorrow.

This makes playing as the British and crushing them all the more satisfying.

Empire is a worthy addition to the Total War series. What it doesn’t change from previous games it adds even more polish to. It stands every chance of being the best game of 2009. Empire; I doff my cap to thee.

“

you can almost hear Michael Caine screaming “FIRE!”

“

Halo Wars Xbox 360 £39.99

Console gaming is a fast-paced, frantic experience full of quick reflexes and, well, not much thinking a lot of the time.

Simply put, you have to build bases, ensure that they have power supplied to them, get them supplied, breed and then train troops and vehicles, send them out to fight the bad guys of the Covenant. That is unless you’re playing the multi-player online version, in which you can opt to play as the Covenant if you and your five pals think that’s where your loyalties lie.

The single-player mode is short and sweet, and enables you to make mistakes before you take your fight online.

To make it a little more interesting, troop levels are limited to a set number and this means you’ve got to use your man and machine count wisely, rather than building them for 20 minutes before completing a fullout charge with enough troops to cover the screen.

There are secondary objectives to fulfill, collectibles to uncover, and

Isaac Newton in a university, have him invent the steam engine (naturally), and reap the rewards. Another big addition to the game is the importance of trade. In Empire, you can’t afford a 1/4-pounder from the dodgy burger van without strong mercantile links. As such, the map provides parts of the world that can only be used for trade; keeping your rivals’ navies from cutting your trade routes is vital.

Naval combat is Empire’s big new feature. Although lacking the five

digital

KILLZONE 2 PS3 £39.99

W

elcome to Helghan, meet the Helghast… All sounds a little bleak doesn’t it? Fortunately for PS3 users, one of the most anticipated games of 2009 is far from bleak, it’s more, mind-blowingly gorgeous.

Killzone 2’s visuals raise the bar for the PS3 graphics and display capabilities, with the developers at Guerrilla managing to create some exceptionally good-looking eye candy. Sure this eye candy comes in the form of an army of Helghast intent on destroying mankind, but when they look this good you might at first find it difficult to splatter their brains over the wastelands as you

“

beautifully-constructed... probably the best looking title on the PS3 to date

“

gaze in awe at the attention to detail and eye-popping visuals.

Killzone combines wonderful lighting effects with solid fast-paced gameplay and a plot that keeps the player involved with an urge to delve deeper in to the abyss that is Helghan.

The plot continues from the previous two games in franchise (Killzone and Killzone Liberation on the PSP), and follows the story of members of the Interplanetary Strategic Alliance (ISA) in an attempt to bring down the Helghast on their own turf. You play as Sergeant Tomas “Sev” Sevchenko, a member of the ISA Alpha squad,

whose sole purpose is to bring down the enemy capital of Pyrrhus.

The single-player campaign provides the player with a satisfying slog through enemy territory and packs in a solid 12-15 hours gameplay for the average gamer. Enemy AI has been well invested in by Guerilla, with Helghast taking cover when under fire and scrambling when you lob grenades. This ensures your visit to Helghan is no walk in the park.

Once you’re through with the single player, multiplayer offers another gold mine of Killzone action and beauty for you to plough through.

The multiplayer is split into Skirmish and Warzone, of which the latter is solely based online. Skirmish gives you the chance to play multiplayer offline against AI controlled bots and is the perfect tool for perfecting your multiplayer skills. However the multiplayer itself holds my only criticisms of the game as a whole.

Killzone’s online multiplayer fails to provide the fluidity and pace that multiplayer veterans such as Call of Duty do so well. One minute you're waiting for some action and suddenly all hell breaks lose. It just seems to be lacking that balance and finesse. The selection of weapons and different player classes is also limited (unless you have the time the rank up to the higher levels), which means the game can lose appeal if you want a quick slice of multiplayer action.

Overall Killzone 2 is a masterpiece and a must-buy title for the PS3. The single player is beautifully constructed and probably the best looking title on the PS3 to date. Now hop aboard your Cruiser airship and prepare to rid the universe of the scourge of the Helghast.

Phillip Norville

digital@gairrhydd.com / 43

goinggoing out out

GOING OUT? T

his time of year can be a difficult period, a surreal, paradoxical mash-up of a world where all the things you want to do are tantalisingly close-by yet somehow inaccessible.

For me, life seems to be composed solely of staring out of the window at the first properly good weather of the year, stressed and depressed, surrounded by half-written essays, discarded coffee cups and a dismal revision timetable (an essentially masochistic tool which serves only to remind me of how little I have actually achieved).

If it’s all got a bit much for you too, don’t fret, because we at Going Out have the perfect light relief for those headed for a premature

nervous breakdown. Thursday 7th May is fraught with excitement over a rare performance by the Youngblood Brass Band at the up-andcoming new venue The Globe on Albany Road.

On May 8, Big City Beats present hip hop extraordinaire DJ Format at Glo Bar, while dubstep and drum & bass are having a stand-off as Neuropol and Aperture go head-to-head at Clwb Ifor Bach.

For those simply too hardcore to know when the weekend’s run its course, Cassette Quality’s latest night F*ck London continues (for free! Get in) the following Sunday at Buffalo Bar. Jaguar Skills from BBC Radio One is heading down to Glo Bar on May 15, ahead of his Summer

Ball appearance, or for something a little more upbeat you could sample some ‘fast soul music’ from London Elektricity, (the brains behind Hospital Records) who’ll be headlining Aperture at Clwb the same night.

May 16 sees The Globe playing host to DJ Vadim, with support from local talents Astrosnooze and Killer Tomato.

Go on – take a break, grab a drink and rave off some excess exam energy. I, for one, will be consigning that buggering timetable to the barbecue and getting myself on the dancefloor. With such an array of musical delights on offer, it’d be rude not to.

Much love, The Going Out Team x

COMING SOON...

DJ FORMAT -GLO BAR -

Public Enemy and 2 Live Crew, Format has collaborated with Jurassic 5 and Canadian underground rapper Abdominal, and in 2006 joined

outhampton B-Boy DJ Format will be gracing the decks at Glo Bar this Friday and showing Cardiff how it’s done.

Indebted to the classic hip hop scene of the 80s and early 90s, the prince of old-skool made his debut solo effort on Bomb Hip Hop Records back in 1999 with English Lesson and has been producing ever since.

Influenced by the likes of the Beastie Boys, Run DMC, LL Cool J,

DJ Format

S

44 / goingout@gairrhydd.com

the plethora of legendary DJs to have contributed to the FabricLive series.

As for his more recent work – which makes a nod back to Latin soul and boogaloo – Format claims to be “just trying to offer an alternative sound”, so expect nothing less than a right royal mash-up. With hip hop beats, funky rhythms and a tongue-in-cheek sense of humour, this should be one to remember. I’ll see you on the dancefloor…

Big City Beats pres. DJ Format, Friday 8th May, Glo Bar, £4/5

going out

REVIEWS

CLUB LISTINGS 4.5.09 17.5.09

7.5 •C-Y-N-T (Electro/House/Techno), Clwb Ifor Bach, 10:30pm, £3/4 •Youngblood Brass Band & MC Xander, The Globe, 7:30pm, £12 adv.

•Antelope (Electro), Glo Bar, 9pm, FREE

8.5 •Aperture vs. Neuropol, (Drum n Bass/Dubstep), Clwb Ifor Bach, 10pm, £5 •Big City Beats pres. DJ Format (Hip hop), Glo Bar, 9pm, £5/4

9.5 •OOOSynthetic pres. Dom Kane (Tech House/Techno), Undertone, 9pm, £4/5

Erol Alkan - Clwb Ifor Bach -

E

rol, they say, keeps kids dancing. While in any other context this might warrant a call to social services, tonight it’s just a good reason to party.

Despite the date of his appearance having been changed twice since it was first announced, little does it seem to have affected people’s enthusiasm to get through the doors. Perhaps this is due to the fact that the venue was changed less than two weeks before the event was due to take place (owing to the disappearance of Club Seven – yet ANOTHER Cardiff club closure).

10.5 •Cassette Quality pres. F*CK London, Buffalo Bar, 10pm, FREE

14.5 •C-Y-N-T (Electro/House/Techno), Clwb Ifor Bach, 10:30pm, £3/4 •Antelope (Electro), Glo Bar, 9pm, FREE

15.5 •Aperture pres. London Elektricity (Drum n Bass), Glo Bar, 10:30pm, £6/8 •Big City Beats pres. Jaguar Skills, Glo Bar, 9pm, £5/4 •Klokwerk (Electro/Breaks/Techno), Undertone, 10pm, £3/4

16.5 •DJ Vadim feat. Astrosnooze and Killer Tomato, The Globe, 8:30pm, £7adv

17.5 •Cassette Quality pres. F*CK London, Buffalo Bar, 10pm, FREE

night has ‘Mess’ written all over it, in big dribbly letters. But it's a good kind of mess, the kind of mess that has you licking your fingers with a guilty smile and asking for more.

What would very likely have been a sell-out gig in a venue that holds upwards of 900 people was subsequently moved to one less than half its size. Those lucky enough to have got their hands on a ticket seem fully prepared for an up-close and personal encounter with one of dance music’s greats, an experience that is sure to have the sweat dripping all night long.

Extra effort had certainly been put in to create a good party vibe. Kids in fancy dress, posters on walls, giant speech bubbles on sticks, Jack Daniels harmonicas, bottles of schnapps poured into the crowd - everything about the

We like this mess.

Riotous Rockers get things off to a good start with a solid mix of deep beats and rolling basslines, and by the time Erol himself hits the stage the crowd can barely contain themselves. Working together a set that contains possibly more underground techno than the audience were expecting, the atmosphere is nonetheless electric throughout.

Given the number of people dancing on stage by the end it's remarkable he actually managed to make it out in one piece.

By the end of the night everything had gone off smoothly, with the shift in venue proving to be somewhat of a blessing in disguise. Overall, a top class example of clubbing going back to its roots – hot, sticky and hedonistic, just how it should be.

Alex Gwilliam

goingout@gairrhydd.com / 45

goinggoing out out

Clubbed To Deaf?

Alex Gwilliam takes a look at the dangers of excessive volume in nightclubs and asks, 'just how loud is too loud?' no plans to introduce such measures into UK nightclubs, and the whole thing had been based on hearsay that was then blown vastly out of proportion. Cue sheepish looks from scaremongering bandwagon-hoppers on all sides…

Nevertheless, despite there being no validity to these claims of government intervention, the issue got me thinking - perhaps we ought to start worrying about the potentially permanent damage we open ourselves up to though listening to excessively loud music? Like most other people of my generation, I have routinely dismissed the dangers associated with high volume levels in nightclubs.

It’s not that I don’t believe that the danger is there, it’s just that I tend not to give it too much thought.

Generally speaking the ringing in my ears will have died down by the

following evening and I will happily assume that no damage has been done. However, recent events have caused me to re-evaluate my position on such matters. Maybe it really is time to think about the aural battering I have subjected my ears to during their seven-year clubbing history?

Last week I spoke to my dad on the phone, who informed me that he had recently begun to suffer from mild tinnitus. Somewhat surprised, I inquired as to whether, in an embarrassing display of midlife crisisdom, he had taken up going to illegal warehouse raves during his time off from buying leather jackets and trying to sleep with women half his age. Thankfully the answer was ‘no’, but what he did inform me of was

“

As much as 10% of the adult population will experience tinnitus at some point in their life

“

R

ecently, word spread through the Internet of an impending set of government proposals to introduce mandatory noise limitation in all music venues seeking to renew their licence.

Predictably enough a petition was launched to fight the legislation, and before long it had spread throughout the online community faster than a video of Paris Hilton fellating a camel. Clubbers everywhere spat hellfire and brimstone over the abominable nanny state.

Those fun-hating fascists at number 10 would apparently stop at nothing until the only acceptable forms of recreation on a Saturday night were a round of crumpets and a game of Risk. That was until it emerged that that the petition was, in fact, a hoax.

The government had no absolutely

significantly more alarming.

Far from tinnitus being a condition with an immediate onset of symptoms, it is, in fact, only in twenty to thirty years time that the effects of any present day damage will actually be felt. The reason

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going out the tiny nerve endings in the ear and eardrum by exposure to high levels of noise. When we get older, and these nerve endings begin to decay naturally, the damage done to them in earlier life sends an abnormal stream of impulses to the brain. This in turn creates the characteristic ‘ringing’ sound tinnitus sufferers experience. This sound is permanent and, depending on the severity, can range anywhere from a barely

“

Going for a night out with a soundsystem that's too quiet is like 'having a wank with a glove on'...

“

audible hum to something just short of a ringing telephone. What’s even more worrying is that as much as ten percent of the adult population will experience tinnitus at some point in their life. Although, in the vast majority of cases, symptoms are not extreme, the prospect of having any permanent ringing in my head is enough to make me seriously think twice about the way I treat my ears when going out clubbing.

Within particular circles of dance music there seems to be a certain machismo associated with how loud the sound can be driven.

Chief culprits tend to be the more bass-heavy genres such as techno, dubstep and drum n bass, where territorial pissing battles over who can sonically vibrate more of your internal organs seem to be parfor-the-course. Phenomena such as the Valve soundsystem (once comprising of over 100kw of speak-

ers, and supposedly the loudest in the country) are often as much of a selling point for a night out as the DJs themselves. Warehouse raves and free parties are even worse, as I can confirm from my recent trip to Gener8r in Bristol. The club night in question boasts a bowl-emptying 16 soundsystems across a club barely bigger than Solus. The result is a sound frequency that falls somewhere between deep-sea whale song and a jumbo-fucking-jet. When your cheeks feel as if they are about to wobble off your face and have a dance by themselves on the other side of the room I am inclined to think a serious reality check is in order…

This perpetual battle between sound and safety is, however, recognised as an important issue within the industry. Speaker makers Funktion1 have long touted their equipment as capable of unparalleled volume without excessively harmful frequencies, and tents supplying earplugs and information on aural damage have now become a mainstay of most UK festivals. Nevertheless, there are always those who will seek to push towards the absolute limit in

their drug-addled, sado-masochistic quest to become ‘one with the music’. It makes me wince to see people dancing in nightclubs, hugging the speaker stack as if it were some sort of oversized bass-farting teddy bear. Surely one night’s ear-bleeding hedonism is not worth a lifetime of answering the front door because you think someone is constantly ringing the doorbell?

Don’t get me wrong; I definitely need a bit of volume in my life. I like to feel the music as well as hear it. Going for a night out with a soundsystem that is too quiet is indeed, as a friend of mine recently described, ‘like having a wank with a glove on’. However, I do think a bit of sensible compromise needs to be established. It is perfectly possible to have an enjoyable night out without needing to test the limits of the human aural constitution to breaking point. The belief that ‘volume’ and ‘having a fucking awesome time’ are in direct correlation to each other is definitely a misguided one, and I for one will certainly be keeping the earplugs handy in the years to come.

That’s if I can ever get this bloody doorbell to stop ringing….

goingout@gairrhydd.com / 47

music

inmusicthisweek

live:jeffreylewis

animalcollective

albums:YYYs

musiceditorial newsinbrief My Bloody Xmas

Cheryl Cole Goes Solo

Quench LIVE Returns

After I had promised to stop banging on about ATP events in the news section, they've gone and announced another ball achingly brilliant line up for this years Christmas bash. The Nightmare Before Christmas event will be headlined and curated by the kings of shoegaze themselves, My Bloody Valentine, who's reunion performances have recieved rave reviews. What's more is that the initial line-up announcement is arguably the best ever, picking Sonic Youth, De La Soul, EPMD, Sun Ra Arkestra and the were average now brilliant Horrors to join them. If this is anything like the line-up they curated for New York's ATP then it's going to be absolutely unmissable.

No she hasn't dumped that love rat Ashley Cole! I'm talking about music of course. To the dissapointment of some fans it was recently announced that Girls Aloud were to take some time out, although in their defence they've been chugging out albums like Jordan has been kids. Fear not, however, because the geordie lass is bringing out a solo album which is sure to be dead good, if her collaboration with Will I Am on Heartbreaker is anything to go by. Even if it doesn't live up to the girl groups high standards the mainstream music press will probably lap it up, seemingly forgetting that she's a racist thug with a histroy of decking people in club toilets. Whoops.

After the triumphant success of the first Quench LIVE a few months ago, another show has been confirmed. On Monday 11th May Quench is taking over Buffalo Bar putting on a stonking set of new music. Headlining is Nordic electro wonderpups Casiokids; we hear they bring it. Before them will be Decimals, the South Walian electro pop buzz band; one of their members might have once plied his trade in The Automatic, but don't hold that against them! Opening the night are Hyener, who might also be really good. Tickets are a fiver and can be purchased on www.cardiffboxoffice.com or on the door, if there are any left; wouldn't risk it if I was you.

discoverlocal...

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resh from their starring appearance at Quench Live and Radio 1 live show, this most recent offering from Cardiff’s own Elephant & Soldier shows much promise.

Frontman Sam Goudie, who is supported by a medley of friends and colleagues on a range of sounds, including cello, piano and percussion, lists his inspirations as Bon Iver, Damien Rice, and The National amongst others. Their positive

Elephant & Soldier. First Shots EP

influence is apparent from the word go, with title track First Shots providing soaring vocals, which coupled with the thumping irregular drum beat and tambourine is musically the high point of the album.

That’s not to decry the other material, however. Stitches is a fitting comedown with shades of Sigur Ros, and Part of Yours gives Goudie further chance to showcase the shear breadth of his vocal range.

Strangers is similarly emotive, and closing track Blackout Club rounds things off nicely, with the guitars finally being given a chance to shine in what proves to be a fitting finale.

Clearly possessing talent in abundance, it is difficult to even come close to disliking Elephant & Soldier. If you get a chance to see them, take my advice and go for it.

It will be worth your while.

Steve Wright

music@gairrhydd.com / 49

music music

a bluffer’s guide to...

SADDLE CREEK

From its humble beginnings to modern cult status, Emma Davies discusses the history of Omaha's Saddle Creek Records ...

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espite being located in Nebraska – one of America’s so-called ‘fly-over states’ – it’s fair to say that Omaha is to indie rock what Seattle was to grunge. It is here that the intimate, country-tinged ‘Omaha Sound’ developed – an aesthetic with which the Saddle Creek record label has become almost synonymous.

Formed by Robb Nansel and Mike Mogis in 1993 as part of an entrepreneurship class, Lumberjack Records’ (as it was then known) first release was a Conor Oberst cassette, Water.

The label’s circle of associates, many of whom attended school together, became casually known as the ‘Creekers’ – named after Saddle Creek Road, a street slicing through central Omaha.

In 1996, Lumberjack became Saddle Creek, though the label’s roster remained small and local, featuring the ‘big three’ of Bright Eyes, Cursive and The Faint alongside other, smaller-selling acts. Nansel admits that the only original prerequisite for a band to be signed “used to be that the band had to be friends with us.”

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Since 2001. the label has been signing bands from beyond the city’s limits, playing host to Rilo Kiley, Maria Taylor and Sorry About Dresden. Despite this, however, a strong sense of community still resides within the label’s roster, with many key Saddle Creek players such as Conor Oberst, Mike Mogis and Tim Kasher having played together in bands like Commander Venus and Cursive.

Saddle Creek recently cemented its place at the centre of the Omaha music scene with the 2007 opening of its own venue, Slowdown (named in tribute to now-defunct Saddle Creek alumni Slowdown Virginia).

This, along with the label’s consistently small roster, ensures that Saddle Creek’s community-led ethos is unlikely to falter any time soon.

Bright Eyes An ever-changing band of contributors joins super-prolific wonderkid Conor Oberst under the Bright Eyes moniker. While 2007’s Cassadaga was the first Bright Eyes album to receive a major-label release, it was the simultaneously released I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning (straightup acoustic folk) and Digital Ash In A Digital Urn (emotively ambient

electro) which propelled them into the mainstream consciousness; in January 2005 both the first and second spots in the US chart were occupied by the albums singles.

Though currently on hiatus, Oberst’s restless work ethic promises that the Bright Eyes discography will doubtless continue to expand.

The Faint Formed from the dregs of other Saddle Creek bands during the Lumberjack Records years, The Faint prove that the Omaha Sound isn’t the only trick that the label can pull off; indeed, they are a different proposition altogether.

Not that they’d take kindly to being propositioned, mind, judging by their lyrics. Themes of war, death, capitalism and modern sexuality are set against an electronic soundtrack which is rarely anything other than angry and abrasively filthy. After four critically-acclaimed albums during their 13 years with Saddle Creek, the band released 2008’s Fascination on their own label,

Tokyo Police Club After forming in just four years ago and releasing two EPs on Canada’s Paper Bag Records, Tokyo Police Club’s debut album, the Juno awardnominated Elephant Shell, was released on Saddle Creek in April 2008, garnering mixed to positive reviews. With many critics seizing upon the band’s youthful potential, their overflowing energy, hooks and speedy tunefulness further proves Saddle Creek’s increasing scope in both sound and geography. Having recently extensively toured the US and with a building radio buzz behind them, this young four-piece are tipped to achieve big things for the label in the future.

music

ANIMAL COLLECTIVE Guy Ferneyhough chats with Animal Collective member Panda Bear about their dub influences, going pop, and Merriweather Post Pavilion

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ith the release of their eighth studio album Merriweather Post Pavilion earlier this year, Animal Collective are riding the wave. They’re a band that have always been a favourite of the music press, and now they’re getting the popular acclaim to match.

As I sat down with AC’s Panda Bear outside their sold-out show at Bristol’s Trinity Centre, I asked if the band had any specific idea of the record they wanted to make before they started recording Merriweather.

“We had a couple of thematic ideas we were really sure about, and we really wanted to focus on bass because we’d never really done that before. It seemed like an exciting thing to do, and it’s such a major part of music that all of us get really into, like dub music from Jamaica, or more current dubstep stuff; actually it’s a little funny we never thought of it before.”

The band has always written thematically, with ideas of the natural

world running all the way back through their discography. The actual Merriweather Post Pavilion is a giant open-air venue near Baltimore, and this provided further inspiration for the Collective.

“One of our ideas was music experienced outdoors, we wanted it to sound like it was this organic space, and with that idea we had this image of us playing as this little band underwater; not deep underwater, but at like a coral reef that’s really colourful with all this light coming in.”

The new record has been cited in some quarters as being Animal Collective’s most accessible to date, and while the band aren’t embarrassed about being defined as becoming poppier, it’s clearly a discourse surrounding their records that they’re a little tired of. “’Animal Collective go pop!’ is something people have been saying for at least the last four albums.

Strangely we’ve also got the other people saying the other thing to, like, ‘ooh, this one’s a little bit weirder

than the last’. I guess the way I see it is more like, we all love pop music as much as anything else. I can’t really say why it’s being reflected in something like this but I feel like we’ve kinda gone back and forth [between records].”

Panda Bear can appreciate that the record is an easier listen than some of their previous output, and in his thick Maryland drawl, he gave me his theory on this.

“I feel that the weirdness or the oddness of the music tricks you.

The way everything is mixed, and this was definitely conscious, means nothing really stands out at you hard, or is really abrasive, or slaps you across the face. It’s all within this sonic spectrum that’s really easy to listen to.”

Animal Collective are planning for a quiet Summer, but will be heading up to the Brecon Beacons in August for the annual Green Man Festival, and for those interested, Panda Bear is looking to record his solo album sometime later this year.

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music

albums albums albums albums Yeah Yeah Yeahs

CHRIS CORNELL Scream Interscope Records

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here are some things in life that just shouldn’t go together. Unfortunately for Chris Connell (and indeed any listeners of the album), generic dance hip-hop and the raw, iconic rock vocals are one of them.

This is Cornell’s third solo effort which promised the meeting of minds: a nineties rock legend and r&b hit-machine Timbaland.

This could have been a challenging, genre-defying collaboration but instead all it delivers is mediocre work from both parties. The production is slick as Timbaland pours on the synths and drum machines that made him successful, but sadly this has stolen what was considered soulful about Cornell’s voice.

The album does have its redeeming factors. The songs are connected together in a mix that works well and sometimes Cornell’s primal vocals do sound good over the heavy bass. Critically though, this album alienates fans of Cornell’s music as it is almost unrecognisable from the signature style that made him famous. Scream is, on paper, an idea with great potential, however, the end product is generic and unremarkable. The record sounds like a lack-lustre Timbaland album ‘featuring’ Chris Cornell and not the other way around.

Hayley Pyper

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SUPER FURRY ANIMALS

Dark Days/Light Years Rough Trade

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econvening after various side projects, including Gruff Rhys’ Mercury nominated work with Neon Neon, the Super Furry Animals are back in upbeat mood with this their ninth album.

Dark Days/Light Years sees a return to the psychedelic pop that first brought them into the limelight back

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in mid ‘90s Cardiff. The track titles alone should be enough to warrant buying this album, ranging from the optimistic Cardiff In The Sun to the wishful Crazy Naked Girls and on to the mind boggling The Very Best Of Neil Diamond.

This is a light-hearted album that is quicker than the economy’s descent, however it lacks some of the depth and variation of previous albums such as Hey Venus! and Phantom Power.

Simon Lucey

6

CHAIRLIFT Does You Inspire You Columbia Records

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hairlift eh? Isn’t that like a trusty gizmo that brings the joy of automatic staircase elevation to millions of elderly households everyday?

Well anyway, Chairlift is actually an enigmatic New York band with a devious contraption of a debut album which seems to spring up and dismember any adjective you

music

live live live live live live live VESSELS Buffalo Bar 23/04/09

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ANIMAL COLLECTIVE

Trinity, Bristol 22/03/09

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t last, the experimental prodigal sons have arrived, kitted out within the suitably quirky venue of a converted church. They are continuing their mammoth worldwide tour, en-route to promoting their eighth studio album Merriweather Post Pavilion - already a sure fire record of the year. An enormous sense of anticipation radiates from the sold-out crowd of juvenile indie lovers and older beard-strokers alike. To hear a

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Animal Collective

he transition from studio to stage doesn’t always go smoothly for post-rock bands, but my hopes were high for this Leeds-based five piece.

With 5 members and two drum kits, the band unleash their sprawling, layered sound on the audience.

Infinitely mellow and atmospheric volume swirls evolve into heavy rhythms seamlessly, and it’s pretty clear that the band are enjoying it as much as the audience.

Accompanying the music are haunting yet beautiful vocals that make a change from the usual instrumentals one finds with this genre of music. The dual drum kits bring an extra level to Vessels’ stage presence, and make some of the tracks impossibly heavy. The band announce their final song to the crowd, which is met with complaint, but they cheekily assure us it will be twenty minutes long.

I can’t recommend this band enough; if you missed them this time make sure you go see them next time. Vessels are one of the best bands going in the current post-rock scene, and they don’t disappoint live.

Sam Smith genre-defying band literally let their musical prowess do the talking.

Just as Panda Bear and his merry men get into the swing of things, building up to a dizzying crescendo of Guys Eyes, the audience is left dumbfounded as a power cut halts proceedings and a jovial heckle of “welcome to Bristol!” Confirms the audience will just have to wait a little longer to get what they came for.

Mercifully all is well again as the trio, (being as they are without Josh Dibb, AKA Deakin) reel in the reigns of avant-garde and treat the patient rabble to a multi-sensory orgasm of laser light shows, transcendental loops and vocal howling throughout. It’s a joy to hear the band seamlessly pick up where they

were forced to let off, merging from one song to another and mashing numerous track endings with tribal drum-beating climaxes. The biggest cheer of the evening predictably goes to My Girls, arguably the band's most approachable song to date and what some scallywags are even labelling mainstream.

Despite the noteworthy lack of communiqué between performers and clientele, by the end of the performance the overwhelming amount of trance-induced swaying and head nodding confirms that everyone is in agreement. They were pleased just to have been here, when a band from Baltimore turned a little part of South-West England into a psychedelic paradise.

Tom Coyle

music

live live live live live live live INME Barfly 23/04/09

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Jeffrey Lewis

nMe kick things off with the rebel rousing 7 Weeks to much adulation from the predominantly young audience. This is swiftly followed by signature track Underdose which, as it turns, is the only song played from debut Overgrown Eden.

Plugging the new album is all fair and well, but the decision to completely omit many of the tunes that got them famous is more than a little bit disappointing, especially as it turns out that much of their post-third album output frankly isn’t much cop.

There are a few exceptions. I Won’t Let Go is suitably frenetic and gets the crowd’s sweaty pulses going. Myths and Photographs is similarly likeable, as is Cracking the Whip. The rest however, simply fall flat on their face.

In short, InMe seemed to have gained a whole new group of admirers, but in doing so they run the risk of alienating their older fan base.

Bassist Greg McPherson recently promised classic track Neptune will ‘never be played again when I’m in the band.’ Well, fuck off and get a bass player that actually appreciates his fans then.

Steve Wright

JEFFREY LEWIS Clwb Ifor Bach 26/04/09

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ou know you’ve had a good evening when you walk away from a show purely fantasising about what the artist would be like as a best friend, and perhaps even how you could deviously realise this dream. Jeffrey Lewis has this ability whilst thoroughly entertaining you in the process.

After some underwhelming support acts, Jeffrey Lewis and his band The Junkyard take to the

stage. A strong proponent of the so-called antifolk scene in New York, it’s expected that his music is about more than just tits and beer, but you quickly realise from his intriguing digressions that this is a supremely sharp man standing before you. One such excursion that stands out is his concise physiological explanation of the effect that monosodium glutamate has on the human body. This is from a comic book artist who obtained a degree in literature.

His music reflects his multitalented nature too; one minute the crowd are head-banging to the punk-inspired simplicity of Banned from the Roxy and the next they’re swaying to the gentle sweetness of

Don’t Be Upset . The juxtaposition of the two keeps the evening fresh.

The most memorable parts of the evening, however, are when the band step aside and Jeffrey Lewis plays alone. Songs such as Whistle Past the Graveyard and Back When I Was 4 poetically poke fun at his own sceptical view on life and, after much laughter, the crowd are his.

Nevertheless, just when you think he’s pulled every trick out his ludicrously large bag, he stands on a chair and through song delivers an account of communism in North Korea using hand drawn pictures as a visual aid. Lyrically awesome - history and wit have never met so well.

Simon Roach

music@gairrhydd.com / 55

music

Listings

singlesoftheweek

Monday 4th The Acorn @ The Cooler, Bristol

Tuesday 5th

Wednesday 6th Me and the Major @ Buffalo

Thursday 7th Doves @ Bristol Academy

Saturday 9th Ghostface @ Bristol Academy Broken Family Band @ Thekla, Bristol

Sunday 10th

Andrew Bird @ Thekla, Bristol

Monday 11th Quench LIVE Presents: Casiokids, Decimals & Hyener @ Buffalo

Tuesday 12th Zach Hill @ Buffalo The Macabees @ Great Hall

Wednesday 13th Cursive @ Clwb The Mae Shi, Abe Vigoda, and Cats In Paris @ Buffalo

Thursday 14th Graham Coxon @ Thekla, Bristol Cranes @ The Cube, Bristol

Sunday 17th Black Lips and Mika Miko @ The Globe Crstal Antlers @ Clwb

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Lily Allen

Art Brut @ Thekla Zombie Zombie @ Clwb Sonic Boom Six @ Barfly

Lily Allen Not Fair

9

Baddies

7

Capitol

Holler For My Holiday Medical

All men who are at all ashamed of their – ahem – ‘performance’ should perhaps avoid Radio One. Little Miss Allen returns with a sweet and delicately packaged exposé of her boyfriend’s sexual habits. AF

A mixture of high-octane rock and thundering melodies. Baddies assault the listener with every whiteknuckle riff through this brilliant punky number. Music that is perfect for the start of the summer. RW

The Maccabees

St. Vincent

Love You Better Polydor

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8

Actor Out Of Work 4AD

Fans expecting another Toothpaste Kisses, don’t hold your breath. Love is now spelt out through the buzz of erratic guitars and unsettling, insistent vocals – may disappoint some, and pleasantly surprise others. RL

A haunting song that lingers in a slightly melancholy idiom. St. Vincent dwells in a musically ambivalent system of despair and happiness, a relatively pleasing result. A classic in the making! RW

The Answer

Esser

Tonight Albert Productions

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8

Headlock Transgressive

Soaring in a time machine set to ‘late 70’s generic rawk’, The Answer provides its audience with a single that struggles to sound like anything but a poor man’s Lizzy-AC/DC-Quo. MB

With electro-pop beats and vocals reminiscent of La Roux, newcomer Esser appears destined to be one of those marmite acts. If Headlock is anything to go by then I like marmite.SW

The Fray

King Blues

Never Say Never Epic

6

An intro that sounds like the Leona Lewis cover of Run is seldom a good sign. Thankfully Never Say Never rises above that particular mire, but only just. Existing fans will enjoy, but this is hardly groundbreaking stuff. SW

I Got Love A&M

3

If you’ve really got that much love, why cram every conceivable hippy cliché into a rhyme scheme for upper-middle-class “bohemians” to inflict upon campfire gatherings all summer? ED

film

film news . rumours . conjecture WALKING ON THE WILD SIDE

Last month, after years of misleading hearsay and troubled production news, Warner Bros. finally released a promotional trailer for the big screen adaptation of Maurice Sendak's beloved children's novel, Where the Wild Things Are. The highly anticipated project is to be directed by Spike Jonze, who from the looks of the trailer has managed to strike a balance between his quirky, indie filmmaking roots and the enchantment of the original storybook.

Seemingly trapped in production purgatory, the original teaser was attached to The Grinch way back in 2000, but later disgarded.

The film will star, amongst others; Catherine Keener and Mark Ruffalo, while James Gandolfini and Forest Whitaker will be lending thier voices to the mythical creatures known as Wild Things.

Although filming began in 2006, Warner Bros. were rumoured last year to be considering a complete re-shoot, after it was feared the initial test screens were too scary for children.

FOXXY BOXER

After the recent critical success of James Toback's frank and stirring documentary about the once proclaimed 'baddest man on the planet', it seems Mike Tyson is to become the next subject in a long line of celebrity biopics. The former WBC, WBA and IBF heavyweight boxing champion has been reported as suggesting that although the project currently has no director, Jamie Foxx is set to take on the lead role. Foxx of course is no stranger to the big-screen biopic, having starred as musician Ray Charles in 2005's Ray, for which he won the best actor Oscar. Portraying one of the most talked about and controversial sports personalities of all time will be no mean feat, even for Foxx, who in all likelihood will have to take up a method-like approach to the role, much like Will Smith in 2001's Ali.

VIDEODRONE

It seems that in this age of cinematic post-moderism, nothing is sacred. Last week Universal announced plans for a remake of David Cronenberg's sublime 1983 body-horror Videodrome, which is set to be penned and coproduced by Ehren Kruger; the writer of the US adaptation of The Ring and this summer's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. As yet there has been no speculation as to the film's director, however, it seems unlikely that Cronenberg would revisit old material at this time.

Although, already being billed as a big-budget sci-fi thriller, it seems any sense of the original 80s cult classic may have already been thrown out the window.

Watch this space.

this week: top 5 films that are so bad they're almost good p. 63 film@gairrhydd.com / 57

film

crank: high voltage dir: mark neveldine, brian taylor cast: jason statham, amy smart out now, 96 mins Synopsis: Hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) awakens in hospital to find that his heart has been replaced by a battery powered belt.

He then goes on a cockney rampage, searching for his lost organ while juicing up on electric shocks to keep himself alive.

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s Chev Chelios fell several thousand feet from a helicopter at the end of the original Crank film, most filmmakers would have deemed this a conclusive ending. But then, most filmmakers wouldn’t be responsible for the Crank films in the first place. Both films occupy a no-holds-barred world where things don’t have to make sense, the outrageous and the offensive are the norm, and everything is completely gratuitous.

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In Crank: High Voltage Jason ‘The Stath’ Statham returns as Chelios in the role he was born to play. Admittedly this mainly involves him charging around, hitting, smashing and killing things, but he also has a surprisingly natural comic timing as well as a genuine on screen charisma. What might come as a bigger surprise is that the film is inventively shot, making ingenious use of consumer handheld cameras that take you right into the film's chaotic, artificial heart. Crank looks and feels like a video game brought to life, the cathartic pleasures of a Grand Theft Auto game are realised on screen to an extent where even the darkest side of your imagination thinks it has gone too far.

Perhaps the film's masterstroke is not taking itself at all seriously, allowing it to relish in being as over the top as it likes. What separates Crank: High Voltage from being action genre fodder is that it remains exciting from start to finish. By definition this is a film fuelled on adrenaline, and if you can overlook some offensive stereotyping, you’ll find a thrilling tribute to outrageous b-movie trash.

Kyle Ellison

****

shifty dir: eran creevy cast: riz ahmed, daniel mays, jason flemying, out now, 85 mins Synopsis: Shifty, a young crack cocaine dealer in London, sees his life quickly spiral out of control when his best friend returns home. As his long time friend Chris, confronts the dark past he left behind him, Shifty is forced to face up to the violent future he's hurtling towards, all the while out-running and out-smarting a rival drug dealer.

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hifty is a gripping and absorbing debut that sets Eran Creevy up as a film-maker to watch out for in the future. Emerging from Film London’s Microwave scheme, devised to showcase young talent, Creevy was given just £100,000 to shoot a feature length film; and he did so, in just 18 days. It has been shortlisted for the FIPRESCI International Critics Award for the best first or second feature and was a huge hit at the London Film Festival.

film

Set on a fictional London estate, the film follows 24 increasingly dangerous hours in the life of a charismatic small-town drug dealer called Shifty (Ahmed), whose sorted-on-the-outside lifestyle begins to unravel just as his gone-respectable best friend Chris (Mays) returns after a four-year absence. Fast paced, funny and at times heart warming, Shifty plays with perceptive observations about race, class, family and economics to produce a tightly-structured thriller with a raw feel for character and place. Although littered with potential pessimism, the message of the story – based on Eran Creevy’s own teenage experiences – is one of taking responsibility for one’s actions and the ultimate need for friendship to lend a hand, even when it is not asked for.

A far cry from Hollywood’s multi-million dollar movies, Shifty is beautifully understated and, in turn, all the more realistic. Not a film I would usually go for myself, I would recommend all the people who are not sure to go and give it a try; it is nice to step out of cinematic comfort zones and find oneself pleasantly surprised.

Zoe Bridger

****

in the loop dir: armando iannucci cast: peter capaldi, tom hollander, james gandolfini out now, 106 mins Synopsis: When a bungling MP (Hollander) forgets his media training and expresses his opinion on an overseas war, he is pushed into a political situation far out of his depth.

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hen you see the words 'political' and 'comedy' together, chances are you aren't exactly salivating over the concept. Attach the name Armando Iannucci however, and suddenly you might be. Yes, the brain behind some of Britain's best comedies (The Day Today and I'm Alan Partridge, to name a few) has created his first feature film, and it's up there with his best work.

In the Loop is spun relatively loosely from Iannucci's TV comedy The Thick of It, sharing much of its cast and its fiery, profanityladen wit. But, the film is allowed to stretch its legs further, with our moronic MP and his aide travelling

to Washington to be used by the sleazy American war-hawks in the case for war, while a few (Gandolfini's peace-advocating General included) try and avert the potential International crisis.

Every acid tongued insult and dead-pan remark is spoken with relish, while the lo-fi docu-style direction allows us to savour every single gag without complication.

And, by Christ, is the laugh count high. Barely a minute goes by without several comedic gems, all interwoven through the usual political jargon you might expect from ministers and their aides. This is where the film is in danger of faltering; as some may find events hard to follow amid the political bumf being spouted.

With Peter Capaldi's terrifying spin-man Malcolm Tucker on board though, there's nothing to worry about. This Alistair Campbell-butscarier-a-like is undoubtedly the star of the show, reeling off some of the most inventive and cruel insults committed to film without so much as taking a breath. He's truly a modern comic icon, confirming what we all really know: swearing can be fucking hilarious.

Andy Swidenbank

****

film@gairrhydd.com / 59

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BYE B

Lloyd Griffiths discusses the new-found place for African cinema in a Hollywood

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ou will be forgiven for thinking that the Oscars were the most recent Global film awards. Nope. So what was? Cannes? Venice? Wrong, the FESPACO festival of African Cinema finished on March 7th in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso and celebrating its 40th year, is every bit as established as the aforementioned festivals.

One key difference being of course, that all the Cultural wonders on offer are distinctly African. 19 Films battled it out for prizes, but importantly over 300 different features were shown. From Egyptian horror to Cameroonian Romance and reconciliation documentaries, FESPACO offers a vibrant mix of African made cinema as well as offering wider audiences film showings in real theatres, a contrast from the more typical DVD in a corrugated iron shack that I seemed to encounter in Kenya.

Why then is this important?

Shouldn’t an account of African cinema at the current time should be fairly positive? Hollywood has reeled off many successful African movies which have also struck a chord with audiences; films such as Hotel Rwanda, The Constant Gardener and Tsosti, all of which are provoking films to have been based in Africa. These films are all from

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the past five or so years, and their achievement seems bigger when we consider that the earliest films from Hollywood about Africa were similar to Victorian literature, stories of heroic colonialists either fighting the savage Africans or conquering the brutal African landscape, lions, elephants and all. Even as recently as the hopelessly sentimental 1985 Out of Africa, (which seems to make me think that all that happened in late colonial East Africa was that lots of people in Gilletes and nice hats drank tea and listened to Beethoven), has Africa been portrayed as a place where stories are created by the Westerners who go to Africa and discover them.

Thank goodness for films such as Last King of Scotland then.

When Nicholas Garrigan goes to Uganda in search of adventure, women and finially meets the imposing Idi Amin, he is caught between his exciting life and the despotism that his acceptance of a government post seems to if not justify, then certainly ignore. The horrific climax of the film sees Garrigan hanging, from hooks attatched to the skin on his chest in the back of an Airport. All of this is far from the mumblings of Bono et al in the Music world. If only the African's knew what Christamuss was, they might have noticed U2 giving them

presents. Funny that, I never had any shit rock songs for Christmas.

Anyway, Bono rant aside, it’s clear that Hollywood is prepared to show us Africa’s beauty and failings side by side, not merely give us a one dimensional vision of the continent.

However, it seems still important to me that African directors are allowed to tell their own stories. When I went to a Cinema in Mombasa, Kenya, they showed only Western Blockbusters and few African made

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Shouldn't African cinema time be fairly films, and most people can only afford knockoff DVD's which tend to be western films anyway, shown in makeshift cinemas under tinroofs or the stars. Unfortunately, this doesn't mean much money for the directors or stars of these films, so cinema showings are vital to maintaining their creative ability. One perfect example of this is 2003's Beat the Drum, which tells the tale of a Zulu village sending a young boy to Johannesburg. His attempts to find money to cure his father

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who is dying from AIDS take him through the dirty streets and drug dens of the city, and through the institutional racism imbibed in many organizations. It enjoyed continent wide showings and starred and was directed by Africans.

FESPACO strives to publicise and encourage African creativity.

Despite being one of the poorest countries in the world, Burkina Faso has still managed to support a thriving film industry, and has had

an account of at the current positive?

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as many as 55 cinemas. One of the festivals most popular showings was Buud Yam, a story about a mute Burkinabe boy searching for his parents (shown entirely in the language of the Mossi people, who make up much of Burkina Faso's population). It certainly seems to present a metaphor for the frustration of a lack of voice of African people, especially when many African’s are looking to their parent’s generation for a lost identity.

Similarly, in Bye Bye Africa, a direc-

tor returns to his native Chad to finds filming a documentary about his passed away mother impossible thanks to the state of the Cinemas, and his girlfriend, an actress; shunned by many who saw her play an AIDS victim in a film. This semi-autobiographic film screams the warnings but also the hopes that African cinema offers- it can be unique without being sentimental about its history or future, and that it can also offer Africans a look at themselves through film. However, a search for identity isn’t the overarching theme, African cinema also has its own soppy love stories; Mah Saah Saah ends with a cancelled wedding and a romantic motorbike into the sunset.

And so to the main award… The Stallion of Yennenga is awarded to the best African film every festival, Africa’s Palme d’Or if you will. The large metal stallion is presented at the 4th August Stadium, Africa’s equivalent of Leicester square I guess. The huge crowd wait patiently on the closing night of the festival and Teza, by Haile Gerima, is greeted excitedly winning the award unanimously.

About the ‘obvious and silent’ violence of the regime of Colonel Mengistu in Ethiopia from the 1970s, the film studies a doctor who returns from study in Germany to

confront the difficulties of using his skills in such a brutal regime, as well as his alienation from village life when he returns as an exiled 60 year old. Such is its critical standing, it won Best Screenplay at Venice too. Here’s hoping that it and other African tales can come closer in the near future.

five african films to see: Beat the Drum (David Hickson, 2003) Bye Bye Africa (Mahamat-Saleh Haroun, 1999) 100 Days (Nick Hughes, 2001) Teza (Haile Gerima, 2008) Carmen in Khayelitsha (Mark Donford-May, 2005)

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hile you sit there, lip curled in a disgusted sneer that this boulderheaded, permanently stubbly movie hard-man should be a 'screen icon', chances are the Stath (as he shall be known from now on) is doing something really fucking cool. Remember, this is the chap that fought Jet Li and won. The guy who fell out of a mile high helicopter and survived, with little more than a bloody nose. This is the man who could punch right through your ribcage, do a back-flip over your quivering corpse, escape in a stolen super-car and still find time to shag just about any woman he could want. All while generic henchmen fire machine guns at him. In short then, the Stath is unstoppable.

Formerly a member of the British National Diving Squad, Statham got his first gig with Guy Ritchie's breakout film Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Putting his knowledge of street theatre (learned from his parents) to good use, he played the street-smart 'Bacon', and ever since he's been carving out his own little niche as Hollywood's go-to hard man.

When he's not playing a gruff muscle man with a dry British wit, then, well, he's probably not acting.

It's all very easy for us to sit back and laugh, but rest assured, the Stath knows what he's doing. The movie world has been deprived of a true action hero for a while know. Bruce Willis is getting on, Van Damme is going all artsy and postmodern, Schwarzenegger is, terrifyingly, a politician and Segal... well, he just got fat.

Enter the Stath.

Here to kick the action genre up the arse for the 21st Century, he's made some of

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the craziest, most gloriously mindless action films of recent memory, with the two Crank movies as his crowning achievement. If you don't find some perverse enjoyment in these two slabs of neon-bright, no-brain ADHD generation guilty pleasures, you're probably dead.

Because the Stath kicked your head in.

Not only does he do all his own fight-scenes and stunts, but he can act too. We all know he's not De Niro, but there's an undeniable charisma behind that chiselled jaw, and that goes a long way. It shall be put to the test soon when he hits the screen in Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, which features arguably the greatest cast ever brought together. We're talking Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, (Stone Cold) Steve Austin, Stallone, the Stath and even a cameo from the Governator himself. Plot details are fairly scant at the moment, but guess what? It ain't gonna be a rom-com.

Andy Swidenbank

CRANK

up the volume it's the stath

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ave you ever been so impressed with how bad a film was that you though it was funny? I’m sure we’ve all sat down at some point to watch a film, and we’ve been driven to tears of laughter at the sheer incompetance of the script, production or acting. Here’s a list of 5 of the best.

PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE (1959) The textbook example of how not to make a movie. It has poor continuity editing - at some points shifting from day to night and back again in the same scene. It has a hapless attempt to cover up the death of lead star (Bela Lugosi - the original movie Dracula) by using a lookalike holding a sheet over his face.

It also has a frankly pathetic plot and overall takes movie making to such levels of incompetence that you can’t help but love it. There are good reasons why this film and it’s director often top polls of the worst movie ever, but then what do you expect from a mid 50s b-movie.

Truly the granddaddy of ‘so-bad-it’sgood’ movie.

THE MARINE (2006) An action film with more muscle then sense. There are explosions galore without the hero, played by WWE (WWE also bankrolled the movie) star John Cena, even getting a scratch. As if OTT violence and explosions weren’t enough, there’s much fun to be found from the baddies in the film, who provide most of the comic relief. And what comic relief; as it’s not every day that someone makes a throwaway joke “Your jumpy, what did your un-

cle used to molest you in your bed?” only for it to turn out to be true!

MAC AND ME (1988) If you were to ever imagine Product Placement: The Movie, then you’d come close to Mac and Me. It’s basically a rip off of E.T. but brought to you by McDonalds and Coke.

Ronald McDonald makes several appearances and the kids seem to spend most of their time near a set of Golden arches and Coke cures the sick aliens. As if that wasn’t enough, there are numerous scenes where the wheelchair bound protagonist is sent hurtling down hills, and even through moving traffic. You shouldn’t laugh but it can’t be helped.

KICKBOXING ACADEMY (1997) A film that attempted to follow in the footsteps of The Karate Kid, and managed to fail hilariously. The acting is worse than you could ever imagine, to the point that you think that they’re trying to be that bad for the sake of humour. The film also features very little real martial arts prowess too, with the kids pulling off the sort of moves that made them look like they were beginners rather than black belts. The plot is also your average good-but-failing dojo vs. evil uncompromising dojo.

Uncompromising to the point of resorting to fire-arms I might add…

Words - David Jani Images - Benjamin Phillips

SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006) The thing about this film is that it is self consciously so-bad-it’s-good.

The fact that Samuel L Jackson actually insisted on the title, and that fans demanded the insertion of the now cultish - quote “I’ve had enough of these muthafuckin’ snakes on this muthafuckin’ plane", is pure genius. This film fires out every action movie stereotype in the book and doesn’t apologise for being predictable or ridiculous, and for that you’ve got to love it.

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albums albums albums albums YEAH YEAH YEAHS It's Blitz!

A Woman A Man Walked By

DOVES Kingdom Of Rust

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Universal Island Records

Astralwerks

he Yeah Yeah Yeahs have embraced synthetic change whilst simultaneously moving away from their heavier roots, if not quite abandoning them completely.

As one of the few beacons of true originality left swimming in today’s mainstream, their third album It’s Blitz! couldn’t have come at a worse time, with much of the quirkiness and innovation that has made them darlings now being swept aside in favour of a more ‘mature’ sound that frankly doesn’t suit them.

Thank Christ then for Karen O. The Yeah’s formidable lead songstress galvanises what is otherwise a subdued affair, grinding her way through single Zero, and pining back towards the band’s heavier days via Dull Life.

All things considered, though, this isn’t a totally disastrous affair.

Runaway and Little Shadow could be two of the best songs they’ve ever written, heartfelt affairs that play more like mini-operas rather than album tracks.

In spite of it's shortcomings, It’s Blitz! will undoubtedly grace the charts for a long time, and will most likely attract new fans. It’s just a pity that that they had to sell their souls in the process.

Steve Wright

Woman A Man Walked By refuses to conform to anything we’re told makes good music. The instrumental parts seem to be working independently making it sound like someone’s left the door open in the recording studio.

Animal sounds are angrily thrown into the mix and although its track April is intriguingly described as ‘The one where Polly sounds like a 100 year old woman’, it’s certainly nothing more than plain creepy and misses the haunting nature of her older stuff by a long shot.

To me this is just over half an hour of screeching and cringeinducing missed high notes. This album is like Bat for Lashes deprived of all the sweetness. It’s all your nightmares come at once. It’s the anthem to your computer crashing the day before essay hand in date.

But then out comes the antidote: Cracks In The Canvas. This is beautiful, poetic, soothing and the kind of piece you almost compulsively have to play again. If only it was all like this.

Amelia Forsbrook

try to label it with. Furthermore, the hodge-podge of influences combine to create a chameleonic record, from which it’s somewhat difficult to extract a sense of cohesion.

But guess what! Whilst these guys wrap you up in their disorientating world of dreamy synths and breathy female vocals, they leave you exposed to their hidden weapon: stonking pop melodies. Most importantly, this is a band that plays with the disharmony between homely pop tradition and its appetite for innovation, thus making every song feel like a much-needed gust of fresh air.

Matt Wright

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Doves

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hen Doves’s first album, Lost Souls, was released in 2000, it seemed like they were to sit neatly alongside fellow emergent gloomy Mancunians Elbow. Never quite as gentle nor as dark, however, they’ve proved masterly at carving out anthems you barely notice are anthems, like There Goes The Fear and Pounding.

Kingdom Of Rust, the trio’s fourth album, picks this history up and runs with it. Doves have always had a groove, a testament to their previous life as dance group Sub Sub, but just about all of the eleven tracks here benefit from the tight rhythms of Andy Goodwin and Jimi Williams that drive them onwards.

Like any ‘alternative’ British album there are a couple of tracks where the vocals are what I’ll charitably describe as ‘moaning’, but generally it’s clever, engaging, and manages to be euphoric without drifting over into bombast.

They may not quite yet be household names, but if Doves keep making consistently individual albums like this, it really doesn’t matter.

Jamie Thunder

PJ Harvey

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PJ HARVEY & JOHN PARISH

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