Quench - Issue 82

+ the definitive Guide to summer festivals '09

jo brand

"writing novels is a great excuse to stay in and not get dressed"

confession box:

your sordid truths revealed!

"We're just striving to create the perfect pop song"

FRIENDLY FIRES

: s t n e t n co Issue 82 // 08-22 June

AR AT STUDENT MAGAZINE OF THE YE

THE 2008 GUARDIAN STUDENT

MEDIA AWARDS!

voyeur : sordid 04 rant : angry 06 huw : confused

07

interviews : friendly 08 fashion : drunk

10

features : repentant

12

travel : sacrilegious

14

blind date : cutting

17

food : vegetarian

18

features : sexy 20 fashion : liberated 23 interviews : wet 26 gay : gay 28 books : intellectual 30 digital : censored 32 arts : giggly 34

COVER DESIGN: Hazel Plush

going out : hedonistic

37

music : self-indulgent

41

film : nerdy 49

Editors Hazel Plush, Ben Bryant Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan Arts Kate Budd, Lisa Evans Blind Date Emma Chapman, Sarah George Books Aisling Tempany Digital Tom Baker Fashion Meme Sgroi, Nicole Briggs Features Ellie Woodward, Louise Cook Film Adam Woodward, Francesca Jarvis, Sim Eckstein Food Jenny Edwards, Jen Entecott Gay James Moore Going Out Alex Gwilliam, Kirstin Knight Huw Huw Davies Interviews Ben Marshall, Leah Eynon Music Guy Ferneyhough, Kyle Ellison, Phil Guy The Rant Andy Swidenbank Travel Andy Tweddle, Simon Lucey Creative Consultant Lowri Howells Proof Readers Huw Davies, Elaine Morgan, Laurel Burn, Neil Fairbrother

voyeur

............................

C

onfession. Everybody has one - what’s yours? Over the past week, the gair rhydd and Quench office has been seething with shameless voyeurs, all clamouring for a peek of the infamous ‘Quench Confession’ cards. White, prettily designed and only 7cm x 12cm, they look fairly innocuous, but when we took them around the Union on a warm June afternoon the results were shocking. The scrawled disclosures of Taf- and Kitchendwellers now cover their blank spaces; tales of spunk and snogs abound. The little cards have been the talk of the Student Media ivory tower ever since, meticulously pored over and judged by all who pass over its threshold.

This isn’t just a student thing, though - just one google reveals humankind’s bizarre relationship with confessionals.

If we’re not spilling the beans all over blogs and published diaries then we’re scrutinising everyone else’s blurtings.

Sin’s not bad, it’s interesting - and ’fessing up’s not only cathartic but also a great excuse for a feel-good leer. On postsecret.com you can even unload your misdemeanours and read and comment on the other posts, all whilst completely safe in a snuggly blanket of anonymity. If you steal from Primark, are sleeping with your housemate's girlfriend, or hide an all-consuming fetish for hairy toes, don't worry - your secret's safe with us...

But the confession obsession is no new phenomenon. Members of the Christian and Catholic Churches have been sharing their sins for hundreds of years; admittance and absolution is a fundamental part of their spirituality.

Yup, everyone’s at it, from bloggers to bible bashers - we just can't get enough of that sweet sweet glow of repentance...

But anyhoo, that's enough navel gazing. We hope you enjoy this year's final issue of Quench - read it, rub your face on its glossy pages, and rejoice.

HP Muchas gracias to the rents, the housies, and the epic Quench team.

Big love. x

04 / voyeur@gairrhydd.com

....

{Voyeur }

voyeur

......

Mmm, glossy.

Feast your eyes on these sex hounds: total gluttonous eyeball frottage... just don't tell mummy.

voyeur@gairrhydd.com / 05

the rant

The Rant That's all Folks... be graduating at the worst possible time ever, financially speaking. Seriously. They may as well send graduates down a chute into a big meat grinder (or other such metaphor) being controlled by greedy fat-cats and swindling politicians, or something. Ah, satire.

That's just problems with the

nuclear muscles recently, which could potentially signal the forthcoming apocalypse. Now, if you've been keeping up with the horrifying, belief-defying audio-visual shite-heap that is Britain's Got Talent, then perhaps this isn't really such a terrible concept, as it has proven civilisation is damned to Hell

“

A

s you gaze lovingly at this - the last ever Rant in Quench magazine - there are, no doubt, tears in your eyes.

This could be for any number of reasons: hot curry, stubbed toe, newt bite, shrapnel wound. However, I'd like to think that it's purely an emotional reaction to the fact that you'll never get to read my bilious nonsense ever again.

Well, cheer the fuck up. The pages are all glossy anyway the tears will run right off them.

It's been quite a year for shitty things (read on for that), but nothing could be worse than the fact that university is over. Alright, so for the majority of readers it might not be, but for me and my fellow thirdyears, 'real life' beckons with its clammy fingers, threatening to strangle the last vestiges of joy and spirit out of us before replacing it with 'grey ugly office envy sludge'.

Not only is the concept of not being a student anymore almost too terrifying to contemplate, we also happen to

Andy Swidenbank wraps up The Rant the only way he knows how: with copious swearing...

“

Cheer the fuck up, the tears will run right off these glossy pages

economy. Not having a job is the last of our worries if we all start contracting Swine Flu, or Bird Flu, or which ever type of Flu happens to be in fashion in a month. I've even gone and done some research - it turns out pretty much any animal can get flu. We're talking Seals, Horses... probably even Komodo-freaking-Dragons.

And that isn't even the end of it. Diminutive dictator Kim Jong-il has been stretching his

already. However, there is something we must take into consideration. What if, by some coincidence, a nuclear disaster occurred near an outbreak of Komodo Dragon Flu? What would happen then? Fucking Godzilla would happen.

The year hasn't even given us much in the way of quality entertainment to distract us from all our woes. Lady GaGa's equine face keeps popping up like an unwanted pustule on

the weary face of pop music, while on televison Lost has lost the plot and The Apprentice is proving once again that people are, and always will be, miserable, conniving cunts.

And, for all my complaining throughout the year, I still haven't achieved the one goal that I set for myself when I took up the mantle of editor for this illustrious section: to receive just one piece of hate mail. Whether it had been a short note asking why the hell anyone would give me a whole page to spout my uninformed gibberish or a fully fledged, written-in-blood death threat, I would have been happy. At least that would have meant that someone had read it...

So here it is then, dear reader. The end of the line.

The final countdown. Any other cliché you can think of. As we leave this pathetic excuse for an academic year, we can at least be sure of one thing: it's probably going to get worse.

Enjoy. Now fuck off.

And now for something slightly different...

Mini Rants: What's pissed you off this year?

Moneygeddon TM : With doom an gloom shoved d down our thro ats by the media (ironically the only thing that wou ld be, since no ne of us can affo rd to buy food ), the collapse of N orthern Rock not only lead to “N orthern Wreck ” puns been th rown about lik e shit at a zoo, but also directly le d to Newcastle Uni ted being rele gated. Fact.

06 / rant@gairrhydd.com

It may look cute, but it'll kill you in a heartbeat. Or so the tabloids would have you believe. OK, so the World Health Organisation didn’t declare a “public health emergency of International concern” for shits and giggles. However, the tabloids grabbed the opportunity to turn a legitimate health risk into mass hysteria. Headlines included the not-sensationalist-at-all 'Swine Flu Will Rip Through Globe’ Daniella Graham

We had the most importan in recent t vote ye in history ars. A pivotal mo , signallin m g change ent acceptan and ce amon gst Wes ciety. An tern d th to bloody en John Sergea Sont had quit the th Come D ancing o ing. Strictly vershado US Gene wed the ra won by s l Election, which w ome Oba ma bloke as Robin M ... organ

h I

huw

? uw

he thinks stuff

t's time for my last ever column, and I can see the trees rustling as you all breathe a collective sigh of relief. Hasn't the time flown by? That's probably because you weren't writing it.

You were promised this final column would be based on your suggestions, and yes, there were a few. King Tutankhamun. Rabbits. King Tutankhamun’s rabbits. How could I possibly choose one topic from so many? The suggestions were so diverse that I began to think it was one person with a variety of aliases using a random word generator. Wait a minute – a random word generator. We could be on to something there...

I'm going to use a webdot on the interblag to offer up random words for me to discuss – and I’m going live (ish). There'll be no cheating: I really am using the first words chosen at random and spouting forth whatever nonsense comes into my head as it happens.

I know it's exciting, but restrain yourselves, please.

Here we go then...

PUDDING Not that random, in my eyes: it's what a lot of people think of, a lot of the time. Already I'm sceptical of this random word generator: I was hoping it would be the woman from Countdown's Dictionary Corner blindfolded with an Oxford English in her lap, being spun round and round until she vomits and then choosing the word least obscured by the diced carrots. But no. Pudding?

Some random word generator this is – I think it's just a fat bloke saying what first comes into his head. Pudding, indeed.

Spinning the proverbial wheel again, the next word is...

SWAMP O...K, swamp it is then. I don’t actually know much

about swamps, except that they’re icky and Things come from them, much detailed by bad horror films. I do know, though, that ‘Swampy’ is one of the best nicknames you can give a person, mainly because it’s unlikely to make any sense (unless, perhaps, they actually live in a swamp). And the less sense it makes, the more they obsess over it, and the funnier it becomes. All right, Swampy?

Fusanosuke Kuhara was spokesman for radicalist group Taisei Yokusankai FORCE I knew it. It’s not a computer simulation; it’s a fat Star Wars geek spilling ketchup over his keyboard, devising ever more useless ways to fill time while he waits for his inevitable third heart attack. At least he's got his Episodes IV-VI box set and a Darth Vader bobblehead to keep him happy.

I am really unimpressed with this random word generator.

MORALITY Ah, that's a bit better. At last, a chance to discuss the important things in life. What is morality? Do we define it ourselves, or is there one chief moral principle we should all obey? If one breaks this moral code, is there any way back? Is morality absolute?

To be honest, I was better off with swamp.

BAKE For fuck's sake, you fat word-generating lump, if you're hungry go and eat a pie. You're embarrassing me here. People

must think I’m making this up. 'Bake'. Honestly, what a useless piece of shit you are.

I hope your mother was proud of you when you broke those scales for the first time, as you finally lifted yourself free from 24-hour Warcraft – proud of you, at least, before you ATE HER. 'Bake'. Fucking disgrace.

That's it, I am giving up on this random word generator. It's making me too angry. Let’s try people: they’re more interesting than words. Sometimes.

A random person generator then. OK. To Wikipedia, and its random article generator.

I'll keep going through articles until I hit people. As it were.

FUSANOSUKE KUHARA Yeah, this was the danger.

I don't know who this man is.

Apparently he was a Japanese businessman and politician, whose business collapsed in the Japanese post-WWI Japanese economic crash, with most of his stock destroyed by the 1923 Great Kanto earthquake. He was spokesman for radicalist group Taisei Yokusankai, and lived to the age of 96.

Jon Vierra holds the 1500m record for "the Midgets' division" Well done, Mr Kuhara.

TONY DELL "Anthony Ross Dell (born August 6, 1947, Lymington, England) is a former Aus-

tralian cricketer who played in 2 tests from 1971 to 1973." That is all Wikipedia has to say.

This was such a bad idea.

JONATHAN VIERRA Now this is more like it.

Apparently, Jonathan, affectionately known as 'Jon', is the only Native American to win the 1500m in the Junior Olympics, which is one of those records that gets less impressive the longer it takes to explain.

But hey, this fella deserves his Wikifame. He also holds the record for “the Midgets’ division”. The 1500m for midgets?

I wonder if they lower the tape at the finishing line, or if they just run under it.

Unsurprisingly, Vierra seems to have written the Wikipedia page himself, proudly revealing his role models, personal info and such hot gossip as: "In his 7th Grade year, Jon did ok."

This is access all areas stuff.

If he's not made his own Wikipedia page – the very height of wankerdom – it's been written by an adoring fan/ mother/stalker. Out of interest, how does one stalk a midget?

With difficulty, I assume.

ALGERNON BLACKWOOD Does this man have the best name of all time? I see him as a South African bounty hunter with a huge handlebar moustache, or perhaps a failed actor who impersonates Samuel L Jackson at parties. Or maybe even Richard Blackwood’s more successful brother.

Sadly not. He was an author, it seems. Disappointing.

That’s probably enough. I think we can all agree that was an unmitigated disaster.

In conclusion...I'm off to take a sedative; you...you do what-

huw@gairrhydd.com / 07

interviews

Y L D N FRIE FIRES

a self-confessed ng yi jo en tly en rr cu e ndly Fires, ar MacSt. Albans' finest, Frie success. Frontman Ed al ic er m m co d an l ca iti orunexpected level of cr in between touring in k ea br f ie br s hi om fr e sive farlane recently took tim t pop song, his percus ec rf pe e th g in rit w t abou der to speak to Quench e egg of disco lights. rg be Fa e th d an , es nc influe

08 / interviews@gairrhydd.com

interviews praise that we get in the press. I don’t even watch us when we appear on TV or the radio. I hate hearing myself recorded.”

Perhaps the reason for the universal praise that the band have achieved is due to their off-kilter take on the traditional pop song model. Macfarlane was quick to assert Friendly Fires’ pop roots: “Our goal is to make accessible, populist music but with interesting elements.

We’re really interested in the concept of creating a hit, and the art of writing a classic pop song. We were asked a

“

I’d rather fade away after creating the perfect pop song, because that’s what we’re striving for, really

“

W

e caught up with Friendly Fires frontman Ed Macfarlane on a rare day off.

He was enjoying the first of 10 days off from their current headline UK tour, so having apologised for intruding upon his well-deserved break, Macfarlane dismissed them, claiming to already be growing restless from having nothing to do. So, are Friendly Fires the sort of band that are constantly writing, even during downtime?

“Actually no. I find it hard to be writing music on individual days off. We work best when we set aside a nice amount of time specifically to write. On the road, we’re in a completely different mindset, so it’s nice to take 10 days off, before we start work with Paul Epworth for our new track.”

The band shot to prominence after some high profile backing, and were able to grab themselves a slot on indie cool barometer NME’s tour. Macfarlane looks back on the tour with fond memories, “It was actually really cool. There were no egos, just some healthy competition between the acts. There was no real ‘best band’ on the tour because were all so different from each other, so there was some pleasant camaraderie.”

Following on from their NME tour hijinks, the band received praise from all quarters; from publications such as NME to even winning a South Bank Show award, yet Macfarlane remains stoic about receiving such unequivocal praise: “I mean, it’s nice to have any praise. We’ve been going at this for like 2 years without any, so we try to no take it too seriously.

Personally, I don’t read

really interesting question a while back, whether we would prefer to write one massive pop song and then to fade into obscurity or to have a career out of fairly well received work, and I guess my answer would be to create that perfect pop song, I’d rather fade away after creating the perfect pop song, because that’s what we’re striving for, really.

Although it’s strange because pop doesn’t have a proper meaning anymore.”

Despite having clear pop influences, the band also take in more eccentric influences as well: “I guess we’re influenced by whatever we’re listening to at that moment. I know we’re all massively influenced by Liquid Liquid; trying to emulate those dense rhythmic drum tracks twinned with a kind of layered percussion, as well as a lush, vague ambience. Specifically tracks like Paris and Jump In The Pool, showed these influences most obviously, with us trying to get those euphoric melodies in our own form.”

Friendly Fires are also renowned for their expansive and experimental live performances, something that provides the band with its own difficulties, “When we record, we don’t really consider how we are going to play these songs live, and then we come to touring and we’re like ‘Shit, this song has 3 guitar parts!’ We try to see the live show should be something different. We’re currently on our first proper UK tour. It’s so different when we’re out on our own; we’re able to make it all the bigger with some epic lighting. We’ve been looking for ages to try and find this specific 1960s disco light. It opens up like, a Faberge egg, and it’s pretty amazing.”

It’s this enthusiasm for concept of performance that gives Macfarlane the drive to bring in new fans: “It’s really hard to make money selling records today, and in a way, I’m kind of glad. It really made us learn to put on a show, and if we’re able to do that, people will come and see us regardless. I think it’ll really help live music.”

interviews@gairrhydd.com / 09

d i d y t a k t wha

fashion

What Katy Did

10 / fashion@gairrhydd.com

fashion

Fed up of prissy prints and girly gowns, our scummy Cinderella went in search of something a bit more shocking. Her red sequinned bra peeked rudely out of her hot pink gown, and lager cans were the perfect accessories for her vintage puffball dress. Prowling the unsuspecting streets of Cathays one evening‌ You don’t want to know what Katy did.

Model: Katy Clay Photographer and stylist: Meme Sgroi

fashion@gairrhydd.com / 11

features

forgive me...

Welcome to the Quench confession box, final resting place of the most sordid of disclosures. We took it round the Union and invited the filthy masses to purge their sins. What did we find? Staplers, spunk and seminar tutors, that's what - but that's just the tip of the iceberg...

I cut a hole in a watermelon, warmed it up in the microwave and stuck my member in there. Sam, 20.

I took a piss on M a m m a ' s K eb a b ' s wi n dow whi le the y were s t i l l servi ng . J on , 2 2 .

i had sex with a security guard on my boss's desk. it rocked my world. He came all over the stapler.

Alex, 22

12 / features@gairrhydd.com

features

I have a bad record of getting off with guys. In fact, I've been with all the brothers from one family, but none of the sisters. Martin, 20.

I had sex under the table at the Act One ball and got caught by the waitresses as they stripped the tables at the end. Falamby, 20.

I once had a wank in the Union toilets after an exam - I'd been desperate for one all the way through the exam. Dean, 27.

feeatures@gairrhydd.com / 13

travel

Feeling brave? Travel delved deep into the spiritual underworld in pursuit of the

T

Photography: Chris Lloyd

14 /travel@gairrhydd.com

he choices about where to go on holiday are endless: summer fun in the Mediterranean, cultural exploration round South America, or – for those on a budget – one of the many brilliant beaches on the Welsh coast.

With this diverse range of options we couldn’t decide which destination deserved our last article of the year. So, after much consideration, we turned towards the spirits of the deceased for help through the medium of Ouija (pronounced "WeeJee" for those unfamiliar). The phantom beings would decide where we should go.

As an ‘Ouija virgin’ I was sceptical about our odds of summoning up the spirits in order to find answers to any of our questions, let alone find out where we should go travelling. I harboured major concerns about the prospect of disturbing our ancestors in order to write a travel article.

However, I had just got off the phone with my Dad, whose accusation that I did "nothing except drink at university", and "probably hadn’t even got laid yet" resonated loudly in my head. After much reflection, I decided that my Dad was scarier than any trapped soul and this would be a perfect way of showing him that I was not "pissing my university time up the wall".

ouija

travel

T ravel ultimate holiday destination - and unearthed some spooky results. Simon Lucey reports. the Blackweir pub. There were so many fresh souls in the Blackweir that we felt positively corrupted by comparison, but it seemed these clean-faced freshers were too intimidated by our link to the underworld and refused to partake in such sinful activity.

It was at this point that we began to question our actions; possibly, we were

“

All the joking about drained away as a cold atmosphere fell upon us

“

Before I elaborate on our contact with the dark side, I think it is important to explain the process of Ouija for those who are unfamiliar. You use a wooden board with numbers and letters on it and a ‘planchette’ (we just used an old glass) to ask questions to those that have passed away.

Faultless, I think you’ll agree.

Armed with this knowledge, we proceeded to the place where we assumed the spirits would be most willing to talk to us, and where there would be a ready supply of souls: the cemetery. At first, the spirits seemed reluctant to reveal themselves, but after some hypnotic chanting a ghost finally came to us.

A presence began to be felt by a few members of the party. All the joking about drained away as a cold atmosphere fell upon us, and the spirit revealed himself.

Our first question was, obviously, what was the spirit’s name, to which he eventually replied, "Jordaq". Jordaq was clearly unhappy to reveal too much to us about his personality or history. However, he did give us the clue – "5 Wales" – as to where our next destination should be.

With a heavy heart that Jordaq had not been more specific, we decided to try and find some fresh souls to help us coax more information out of the reclusive spirit - in

out of our depth in naïvely summoning the eternal spirits for personal gains. As all the group were novices in terms of spiritual awareness we decided to enlist a bit of help. Our first port of call was, quite logically, God’s number two: the Pope.

Unfortunately, after much effort we could only get hold of his secretary who was of limited use, telling us to phone back another time. Our next option proved to be slightly more fruitful: the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. However, the

advice we gained was sobering: as soon as we had explained our quest, the Church of England big man hung up the phone, which suggested that our sin was unforgivable.

With a sense of panic setting in, we turned to our last source of spiritual advice, Welsh Male Medium of the Year and runner up for Channel 5's search for Britain’s Top Psychic, Austin Charles. Unfortunately Austin again was unavailable, presumably deep in meditation, but his phone was answered and an unknown individual urged us not to proceed with the Ouija board, claiming it is dangerous and that Jordaq was probably an "evil spirit".

We were suddenly very concerned with Jordaq’s credentials and it was with great trepidation that we decided to reconnect with the elusive ghost, giving him a couple of beers for good measure. This time Jordaq, possibly stimulated by his beers, was more forthcoming and expanded on our earlier experience. It turned out that Jordaq did not really want to talk about travel, or us at all. In fact, Jordaq had a lot to get off his chest: a troubled childhood, an alcohol addiction, along with many whirlwind relationships. However, he seemed disinterested in travel.

travel@gairrhydd.com / 15

A N I H C travel

...without borders

The People's Republic of China is as rich as it is ancient. Dating back nearly six millennia, Chinese civilisation has provided the world with Cantonese cuisine, Confucianism and - of course - controversy. Andy Tweddle reports on his experiences of the Republic. deadpan loved him. Always will do. Forever. Yikes. Didn’t she know about Mao? Mao? I mean, come on…

It was then that it hit me just how restricted individuality is in China. And I couldn’t help but think to myself that maybe there was something just a little… don’t say it little wide-eyed Andy, don’t say it… corrupt about the place? I wondered if I should be getting to know this country at all if everything I was to experience would be nothing but a façade.

However, I ploughed on determined to make a success of my new-found freedom. Our next stop after Beijing was the home of the Terracotta Warriors, Xi’an. Bang in the centre of the Shaanxi Province, Xi’an is one of the Four Great Ancient Capitals of China and is also home to the beautiful Giant

“

Mr Wei simply smiled at me and said 'For family it is free'

“

Wild Goose Pagoda.

Sitting on the bus enroute to the Terracotta Warriors, I was not a happy bunny. The bus driver, clearly envisioning dollar signs hovering inches above our heads, decided to take us to the warriors via roughly ten shops all selling everyone’s favourite ornamental stone: Jade. Ten times we were offered good prices and ten times we declined.

By the time we got to the Terracotta Warriors, we had little time to see them and, hurling myself back on this joke of a bus after our fleeting visit I felt,

16/ travel@gairrhydd.com

quite simply, dried. Just as the bus geared up to pull away a gypsy woman extended her arm into the vehicle and yelled, just one more time in case we hadn’t quite heard her: ‘JADE! JADE FOR SAAAEEEEEL!’ Deciding enough was enough, the bus driver opted to close the doors, trapping the gypsy’s

“

Dishonesty is rife. But isn't that true of any country?

“

A

fter the Chinese Civil War ended in 1949, Mao Zedong’s communist regime prevailed, resulting in shambolic rule. By the '70s, reforms were starting to be made but many illegitimate government decisions were still being swept swiftly under the carpet.

The trend of censorship continues today, with staple websites and international news channels such as CNN and BBC remaining banned.

Despite this encouragement of muted collective thought, however, China’s economy is one of the strongest in the world today, but the question remains: should this terrify us?

When I first arrived in China aged 18, dangeously impressionable and un-chaperoned, I was easily daunted by the sheer, well, difference of it all.

Arriving in Beijing, I headed to the Forbidden City where my friend and I were struck by the frustratingly blatant sense of threat that surrounded us. The city was riddled with discarded plastic, cardboard, spit, urine, faeces, and – most prominently – people. It suddenly dawned on little wide-eyed Andy that he most certainly was not in Kansas anymore. Tramps, pickpockets and scam artists hassled us constantly and I felt suffocated by the foreignness of it all.

I’d heard a lot about this famous Mao Zedong character before we’d arrived (he racked up a death toll somewhere in the tens of millions during his administration) so, imagine my surprise when, after talking to a local about what she reckoned of it all, she told me that she loved him. No joke, absolutely

selling hand inside and dragging her entire body along with it as he started to drive. I know it’s harsh, but I couldn’t help laughing. A lot.

All of the annoying things about China floated away and I realised that I could have fun.

It was possible to laugh at all these things I was experiencing and enjoy them whether I agreed with them or not, because they were new.

And that’s when I opened my eyes, started to breathe again, and let China in.

Could it be that I was starting to like it?

Our next stop, the sleepy village of Yangshuo was like no other I’d ever visited. By now, I'd fallen for China but it was our accommodation in Yangshuo that sealed the deal. We stayed in the house of a man named Mr Wei who taught us Mahjong and fed us copious amounts of tea. On arrival his wife had knitted us all a pair of slippers (no shoes in the house, yeah?) and served up a feast of culinary delights around the clock. A few days

in, I asked if I could use the internet and how much it would be. Mr Wei simply smiled at me and said ‘For family, it’s free.’

There’s no denying China isn’t perfect. Poverty exists.

People steal things from you.

Dishonesty is rife. And no one really knows the whole truth. But isn’t that true of any country? We can only believe what our government tells us, despite the fact that it might not be legitimate.

Once you brush away all the largely insignificant cobwebs you're left with a country that is defined by its unique nature and full heart. So, despite the fact that there is indeed no place like home, places that aren’t home can offer you a new perspective on how you fit into the world. And maybe that makes those places just a little bit better.

blinddate

Blind Date The Quench love goddesses are working their magic again, but will these two gorgeous singletons find true love?

Blind Date: Abi, let's get down to business. How would you rate Tom out of 10?

Abi: I'll give him a 7.

What were your first impressions of Tom? He struck me as very pleasant and very polite. He was easy to talk to and actually reminded me of one of my friends.

Were there any highlights of the date?

Pudding! No, all in all it was just an enjoyable night. We had a good laugh!

So how would you describe Tom in three words?

Polite, Irish and cute.

So do you think you'll keep in touch?

We didn't exchange numbers, but I think we'll probably keep in touch on Facebook.

Time for the infamous question: chuck, fuck or marry?

Oh, that's a hard one. Can I say chuck as a date, in the nicest possible way, but keep as a friend?

Ouch!

Abi

What was the highlight of the date?

"Pudding!"

+ meal courtesy of Abi and Tom enjoyed a delectable

Blind Date: Tom, now it's your turn to dish the dirt.

How would you rate Abi out of 10?

Tom: Probably a 7.

What did you think when you first met Abi? That she was very Welsh!

Were there any highlights of the date?

I'd say the fact that we got on so well and we chatted the whole time; there was no awkwardness.

Any downsides?

Well, the place was empty when we got there so that felt a bit weird. But it meant we were waited on hand and foot by the staff which was nice.

How would you describe Abi in three words?

Welsh, funny and easy-going.

So will you keep in touch?

I'm sure we'll keep in touch, but probably just as friends.

Would you rather chuck, fuck or marry Abi? Oh go on, fuck I suppose.

Chuck, fuck or marry?

"Chuck... in the nicest possible way"

= ?!

Tom

Mordaith Bar and Grill, Oceana. For

bookings call 02920 233854

blinddate@gairrhydd.com / 17

food

Cooking with a conscience As the scent of barbecues wafts through the streets of Cathays, dirty burgers have never been so appealing. Watch what you're eating, though, because there's a grim truth behind the meat in your sesame bun, says Jenny Edwards

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starts to mean a bit more when you know that already 840 million birds are reared in the UK each year to meet demands. With

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I am an occasional user of the 'I'm a student; I can't afford to be ethical' excuse

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W

hile watching an episode of ‘Come Dine With Me’ recently, I could only scowl incredulously as ‘food enthusiast’ Ian declared he was ready to turn vegan after tasting his host’s delicious vegan curry.

I was still wincing from the sight of the tofu chocolate mousse, and was doubtful as to the real power of a skilfully prepared spinach and aubergine concoction to turn any self-respecting meat lover.

But I won’t lie; my conscience was uncomfortably pricked as the said vegan informed her guests of the evils behind meat production. And while the meat and dairy produce on my fridge shelf need fear no usurping from everything-friendly alternatives, a little research has certainly made me re-think my food purchasing habits.

In Britain, levels of meat consumption are 50% higher than they were in the 1960s, and are expected to double in the n e x t 50 years, which

such levels of production and consumption, the logical concern is that the already poor conditions of animal welfare can only decrease.

If the celebrity campaigners have done their job, I don’t need to go into the

shaming details of neglect already going on. It suffices to say that the changes slowly coming around can’t occur soon enough. But on the other side of the fence – literally – are the farmers, who have also suffered from the increasing demands for plentiful, and therefore cheap, meat that is being produced outside of Britain.

And of course what ethical musing would be complete without mentioning the environment? I will spare you the plentiful facts and figures regarding this and just mention that intensive animal rearing accounts for 18% of global greenhouse gas emissions, and that transport accounts for 13%.

But, clearly, if meat production has such an impact then there are economic and ecological impacts as well. An estimated one billion people depend on livestock for their livelihood, while the variety of breeds reared by humans ensures biodiver-

food sity, and animals make their own contribution to green living when used for manure, transport and to eat the parts of crops that humans can’t.

With this in mind, I feel I can look a vegan in the eye and refuse a tofu chocolate mousse with a clear conscience.

However, to avoid the disapproving face of Jamie Oliver staring down at me Jacob Marley-style as my hand wavers over the wafer-thin ham or ready-cooked value chicken pieces, I believe a bit of responsible eating is in order.

“

I can look a vegan in the eye and refuse their tofu chocolate mousse with a clear conscience

“

Although I may occasionally be a user of the ‘I’m a student; I can’t afford to be ethical' excuse, with an awareness of money that disappears in the pub, Topshop, etc., a closer look reveals that ethics aren’t as pricey as assumed. Without having to buy a hand-reared, hand-fed and hand-pedicured chicken, you just need to look out for the right labels next to the right, not so extortionate, price tags. The internet is full of info on this, but the RSPCA’s Freedom Food Approval sticker is very good and ‘farm fresh’ labelled eggs are very bad – the spawn of the devil that is the battery farm, in fact.

So I’m not going to preach the need for a mass meat boycott; neither will I suggest forming a new generation of hardcore followers of the Atkins diet.

Instead, it seems that for us meat eaters a bit of moderation is

called for: smaller quantities and better quality perhaps. I tried it – I ate a main meal with absolutely no meat – and I’m still here to tell the tale.

MEATIN'S CHEATIN' - four meat substitutes reviewed Tofu (silken) Jelly-like, fragile and generally mournfullooking. Fell apart almost instantly in the vegetable stir-fry. Texture and taste of curdled breastmilk.

**

Quorn The perennial favourite. We tried the sausages. Actually very pleasant, if a little dry.

****

TVP (textured vegetable protein) With a name straight out of mindnumbingly dull sci-fi series Babylon 5, this tastes just as exciting. Bland and tasteless.

*

Fake Bacon Mysterious uniform strips with the texture of play-dough.

Tastes unmistakeably like budget crisps Frazzles.

Potential for cult following.

***

The Review:

Cardiff Vegetarian Festival As part of the Small Weekend, Cardiff hosted its first Vegetarian Festival in the quaint Mackintosh Hall. The event was a mixture of food, live entertainment and circus workshops. There were many culinary delights, all of which were either vegetarian or vegan, and there was definitely something for everyone. Even my meat-eating friends couldn't resist the temptation of a vegan cupcake.

The night started with live acoustic sets, which added to the chilled out, peaceful vibe.

The sun was shining and everyone made the most of the weather with the vegetarian barbecue outside, accompanied with a few vegan beers.

There was a variety of food available including cakes and desserts, wraps, a selection of Indian treats and homemade pies, all of which tasted delicious and completely meat-free; my favourite had to be the mouthwatering lemon tart. It was a fantastic event and helped people to find out more about a vegetarian lifestyle.

For more information on vegetarian food in Cardiff visit http://www.cardiffveggie.com Jennifer Entecott

FAMOUS VEGANS L-R: John Peel, Morrissey, Thom Yorke, Heather MillsMcCartney and Andre 3000

food@gairrhydd.com / 19

features

Work hard, play hard

Unprotected sex, one-night stands and pole dancing for cash: apparently all in a night's work for Cardiff's student population. Ceri Isfryn goes undercover to find out more about our sexual habits.

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Emma was considering stripping as a way of funding her barrister course

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hen I was a little, I bloody loved musical chairs. Indulging in a spot of childhood nostalgia may seem an odd and slightly morbid way to open a feature about sexual promiscuity. But if you think about it, the similarities between a game of musical chairs and a student’s sex life are plentiful: both involve lots of awkward bumping, moving speedily from one chair/ bed to another and, of course, there’s always an obligatory cheater.

You see, I am qualified to make such a crass generalisation about students’ sexual habits because I was clever and did a survey. 62% of those surveyed admitted to having had a one-night stand, with only 47% regretting it come the morning. Unsurprisingly, 83% confessed that their one-night

stand was alcohol-induced.

Students, it would seem, like drunken debauchery. A lot.

Hardly a revolutionary conclusion, I admit, but it poses the question: does sex mean anything to students any more or is it all about the carefree whambam-thank-you-mam-ing?

Where better to discover what turns students on than the hotbed of misdemeanour that is Come Play on a Saturday? I infiltrated a circle of rugby boys (all in the name of research, of course) and asked them for their thoughts on sex. I should have known better than to be lured in by their muscles. I was greeted with an uber-manly chorus of 'wheeeeeeeeey' and 'get iiiiiiiin' before the loudest oaf bellowed "I'll think whatever you want me to think, love!" It's hardly surprising that I saw the very same oaf later on in the night trundling home with only

a Christian Union hot dog for company.

I moved on to a group of first-year girls who were walking around bare-footed, having given up on their five-inch heels at the impressive hour of 11pm. I asked them whether they were planning on taking anyone home that evening, and received a divided response. Karen, an English Language student, told me that she had a boyfriend from back home, and had stayed faithful to him throughout her first year with no problems.

"You don't have to go out and pull to have fun and meet new people - you can be friendly to a guy without having to stick your tongue down his throat."

Her single flatmate Cerys, on the other hand, disagreed. "It's just a bit of harmless fun isn't it? It's just what everyone does at university."

features

OUT OF 100 STUDENTS QUESTIONED:

62 45 4 6 dos and the middle-aged men in the corners, rubbing their hands gleefully and shifting to hide any suspicious lumps and bumps.

Emma was a Law student at Cardiff University who had just finished her final year.

She'd heard that stripping paid incredibly well, and was there to meet the club's manager as she was considering doing it over the summer as a fasttrack way of getting funding for the barrister course that she wants to start in September.

She admitted: "It's such good money and it's completely safe. The men aren't allowed to touch you or anything, so I don't think I'll have a problem with it. The course is just so expensive that I haven't really got much chance of raising the money before September in any other way."

One of the admiring student-

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I've never heard of anyone meeting Mr Right in Magaluf

“

By this point, the vast majority of Come Play's population were reduced to vague slurs and random gestures. After several glasses of wine, I had the investigative confidence of Miss Marple, so I decided it would be a brilliant idea to head to a strip club to see if there were any students lurking about in there. It turned out to be a genius stroke of drunken journalism: not only was there a good handful of studenttypes happily parked between the thighs of the buxom dancers but, as it turned out after some MI5-style interrogation of the barman, many of the buxom beauties themselves were full-time students looking to earn a bob or two.

I got chatting to a girl who was also standing a little uncomfortably at the bar with a friend, both of them looking out of place next to the randy stag

HAVE HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND REGRET THEIR ONE NIGHT STAND HAVE HAD AN STI

HAVE NEVER HAD SEX

types that wasn't enjoying a dance turned out to be a student at Glamorgan University.

He came to the bar so in I set to question him.

At first I think the rather jumpy Greg thought that his mother had sent me to spy on him, but he soon got over it and told me that they were there for his housemate Sam's 21st, despite the fact that they both had girlfriends.

"I couldn't really invite her, could I? It's a lads' night! She doesn't know I'm here but there isn't any touching or anything, so she can't really be angry, can she?"

Having advised Greg to buy an expensive bouquet of flowers and a gourmet box of chocolates for his girlfriend, it occurred to me that he, like Cerys, was only really indulging in a spot of naughtiness because of peer pressure.

features@gairrhydd.com / 21

features

IT'SJUSTABITOFHARMLESS FUN...IT'SWHATEVERYBODY DOESATUNIVERSITY And they aren't the only ones. Matthew, a third-year Music student, recently went on a lads' weekend to Amsterdam and admitted that he and several of his friends paid for oral sex with a prostitute while out there.

"It's one of the two things you just have to do on a lads' weekend in Amsterdam, isn't it? It did feel pretty weird, and it's definitely not something I wrote about on my mum's postcard, but it was just one of those things. I'm a bit indifferent about it, really."

When I asked him if he would ever consider going to Twice as Nice for the same reason, he was incredibly quick to laugh the suggestion off, spluttering: "Are you mental?!"

What is it about holidays that make us even more liberal about sex? Do we, in true British fashion, go a little bit ga-ga at the first glimpse of sun and simply lose control of our loins?

Let's face it - I've never heard of anyone meeting Mr. Right during a week in Magaluf, so why do we suddenly get so giddy once we step off the plane?

I spoke to Kim, a first-year History student who had a holiday fling when she visited Recife in Brazil last summer.

"I was staying with a friend and we went to her friend’s beach party where I met this really good-looking Brazilian man. We started kissing as the sun rose and, well, you know… I don’t regret it at all - if anything it just made the whole trip even more special. Holiday flings are the ultimate in nostrings sex – you’re under no obligation to see them again so it’s just relaxed and fun".

It all sounds like an idyllic closing scene in a Mills and Boon novel, doesn't it? Except

that in the romantic narrative flow they've left out the nitty-gritty stuff - the awkward tangling of limbs as you get into a comfortable position, or that dreaded moment where one of you has to say the classic mood-killer: "have you got a thingy on you?"

Neither do they feature the scene where one of the couple realises they've caught genital warts from the other and has to get them frozen off with liquid nitrogen by a tutting nurse with their legs are hoisted rather unattractively up in the air....

I'm willing to bet that the majority of you winced at that last sentence, but it's the uncomfortable reality of having unprotected sex. 76% of those I surveyed admitted to having had unprotected sex, yet only 4% admitted to having had an STI - a highly suspicious pair of figures, I'm sure you'd agree. A recent study by the Health Protection Service showed that 40% of women who travel abroad don't carry protection when they go on holiday - a sure-fire recipe for disaster if you ask me. Professor Peter Borriello, director of the HPA’s centre for infections, said casual sex is now seen as "part of life" for young people.

He added: "SHAG now stands for Syphilis, Herpes, Anal warts and Gonorrhoea."

Many STIs are invisible, so are we choosing to be blissfully naive about the consequences of our drunken fumblings or are Cardiff students just an incredibly lucky bunch? It would seem that casual rendevouz are still as popular as ever within the student population. It's a little bit like Russian roulette: the risk-factor makes it exciting and addictive, but when it goes wrong, it can go really wrong.

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fashion

school's out!

it's time to celebrate Exams are over, essays are in, and denims and a huge - dig out your hot neons, clashing mer! pair of shades... Bring on the sum

fashion@gairrhydd.com / 23

fashion

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voyeur fashion

Photography: Sophie Pycroft. Models: Kate Ferrier, Meme Sgroi, Ryan Fortt, Sophia Moatti. Clothes: Topshop.

fashion@gairrhydd.com / 25

interviews

One of the leading lights of the UK beatbox scene returns after a two year absence, with the brand new album, Amplified. His trademark verbal dexterity bolstered by an allnew live band, Killa Kela looks set for big things this summer. Interviews recently caught up with Killa to talk about how to beatbox amd the moral imbiguity surrounding loop pedals.

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interviews is an electro-rock stomper, and his new album promises to be even more expansive. When it comes to his influences, Kela certainly provides a veritable plethora of different acts. He admits, “I get influenced by

“

I think it's actually morally incorrect to use a loop pedal unless the song validates it, but that’s just me, I suppose

“

H

aving taken a short sabbatical following the release of his Patsy Kensit (yes, THAT Patsy Kensit) inspired last album, Killa Kela is back with an all-new record, reinforced by an expanded live band, and he couldn't be more excited about it.

It was an ominous start to the interview - his voicemail informed me that he was ‘busy doing…NOTHING!’ - but I finally managed to pin down the elusive beatboxer, and he immediately began enthusing about his new project. “It’s been a development over the last 2 and a half years; it’s evolved from some basic mixes to a more solid project. We’ve definitely spent a fair bit of time on it, and we’ve had to move with the scene. All my friends travelled the same journey as me, so they’ve had a massive influence on the sound of the record, people like James Rushent of Does It Offend You, Yeah? I just rolled with my friends really.”

In spite of Kela’s clear enthusiasm for his new album, one cannot help but ask how he's able to translate his vocal dexterity onto a recorded format without losing any of his trademark spark and vigour. “It’s a massive evolution from my last album, Reveal Your Inner Self. I guess the thing with beatboxing is that it is essentially a downsized version of the live experience, so I’ve tried to expand it a bit more. We have a whole live band using all sorts of different instruments, allowing me to shine... it’s like a flying circus, man!”

By using a live band, Killa Kela is looking to change the public’s preconceived notions of what a beatbox gig can be. It certainly is a revolutionary approach to what could be seen as a somewhat gimmicky act, and he definitely has some strong opinions on how some of the more seasoned performers play live: “I’m noticing more established acts using loop pedals; I’m not such a fan because I’m all about the spectacle, which is far greater with a live band. I mean, I think it's actually morally incorrect to use a loop pedal unless the song validates it, but that’s just me, I suppose.”

Even though he may disagree with how many of the bigger acts play live, he still has a healthy respect for most of the leading lights in the UK beatbox scene “Guys like Beardyman and Faith SFX are really good. They’re pushing their own art, which is to be commended – We have the biggest scene in Europe, so I really respect these guys. We don’t battle each other - we better each other, you know?”

For such an idiosyncratic, genre-hopping performer, it’s certainly hard to place Kela’s influences. His latest single, Built Like An Amplifier,

my band and my drummer Skaletrik. Artists like Plan B and Does It Offend You, Yeah?.

Music with balls, music with attitude. Stuff that stands for something, you know?

Gorillaz are brilliant. They don’t necessarily stand for any major political point, but what they stand for, conceptually is really interesting.

Anything from the Prodigy, Iggy Pop, Metallica through to Dubstep influences me.”

For someone who has admired the art of beatboxing from afar, the chance to have one of the best acts of his generation on the phone was one to good to pass up on. He offered some advice to any promising beatboxers, “I’d suggest learning step by step, not to compromise. You can see guys like Rahzel, Eclips and all the old school as baby

steps, rather than try and emulate them.

Make your own sound. It’s cool to use these guys as a learning tool, but if it ain’t yours, you should make it unique.”

Once again, the topic of conversation returned to his new album. He was extremely keen to elucidate on just how excited he was for this album. In fact, I very nearly broke a finger trying to transcribe everything that he wanted to tell me - there are some occasions when a beatboxer's verbal dexterity are a drawback.

“Oh man, I’m so excited with the album.

It’s 12 tracks of Killa Kela, and there’s nothing like it. There’s loads of tunes with different artists, and the band is dope in it. We’ve got collaborations with acts like Alan Braxe, Hadouken!, The Cool Kids, and Bashy. I can’t wait until it’s released.”

Kela was even more excited about the prospect of the tour that would follow the release of the album - and considering how great he makes it sound, it’ll surely be one to look out for.

interviews@gairrhydd.com / 27

Summer Lovin'

Image: Ben Bryant

gay

28 /gay@gairrhydd.com

gay

The sun is out, the flip flops are on and Barry Island is beckoning. It can mean only one thing: summer is here. Even if you're still locked up in the library, doing a bit of frantic revision, Gay presents you with the light at the end of the tunnel. Get your diaries out because James Moore and Sara Stanford give you the Big Gay Guide to this Summer of Love!

Where better to start than with Cardiff’s very own annual gay and lesbian festival?

The 10th Cardiff Mardi Gras promises to be the most exciting yet, with an array of splendid delights including dance, music, comedy and much, much more! Don’t you worry about relying on the sun to shine either, as the marquees will provide all the shelter needed (just in case we do have the wet summer us Welsh are so accustomed to). Cooper’s Field opens its gates on August 29 and 30 to all those wishing to celebrate and have a fantastic time doing it. And if that wasn’t tempting enough, you can be a part of it all completely FREE of charge!

This annual competition is the gay man's answer to Miss World. After heats around the country during those hot summer months the sexy finalists gather in August to see who will win the coveted title and grand prize. Check out your local gay venue to find out when the regional heats are coming to a town near you!`

Bruno Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the cinema, Sacha Baron Cohen strikes again!

Following on from the success of his ever-controversial Borat, Cohen has decided to translate the equally outrageous, Bruno to the silver screen. No doubt it will be a laugh out loud, smash hit of a movie, but potentially a bit too obscene for the more conservative film fan. Bruno hits cinemas on July 10.

Swansea Pride

Iconography A new photographic exhibition of gay icons will open this summer in London's National Portrait Gallery on Trafalgar Square. Many commentators are dismayed at the lack of obvious gay icons such as Judy Garland or Madonna. But even in their absence, The National Portrait Gallery will feature 60 icons chosen by ten high-profile gay figures.

The list of icons is a mixture of gay and straight people, and includes kd lang, Virginia Woolf, Harvey Milk, Daphne Du Maurier, Lily Savage, Nelson Mandela, Quentin Crisp, Diana, Princess of Wales and Will Young.

“

Fancy perving on some hot men in their underwear?... OF COURSE you do!

“

Check out the website for more info: http://www.cardiffmardigras.co.uk

Following closely in Cardiff’s successful festival footsteps is Swansea with its first ever official Pride event, ‘Pink in The Park’. After a disappointing but unavoidable last minute cancellation in 2008, this brand spanking new summer time treat is going to be a big one. The jollities kick off at 1pm in Singleton Park on June the 27th, much to the excitement of Swansea’s partying LGBT community.

Swansea Pride also has a web page, so if you fancy a bit of a change of scene, check it out: http://www.gay-pride.org.uk/ events/swansea.php

Mr Gay UK

Dancing Queens

Fancy perving on some hot men in their underwear?...OF COURSE you do!

The West End has two fantastically camp musical productions running this

summer, which are definitely worth a look if you find yourself in London over the holidays.

If the British summer is anything to go by, being indoors for a few hours might not be such a terrible idea. La Cage Aux Folles, currently playing at the London Playhouse, is a hilarious, heartwarming musical, full of glitz, glamour and Graham Norton. Norton won't be staying in the show much longer, so try get yourself a ticket while he's still willing to get into those six-inch heels.

“

The 10th Cardiff Mardi Gras promises to be the most exciting yet

“

Cardiff Mardi Gras

But if you like your musicals with a bit more filth and a lot more feathers, then maybe you should give Priscilla, Queen of the Desert a whirl. This UK premiere production starring, Jason Donovan, has taken London by storm and is the hottest ticket in town. The show is set for a good yearlong run at the rather aptly named Palace Theatre (where else could they have possibly put on a show all about drag queens?).

Following the plot of the iconic Australian film, this looks set to be a colour, kitsch and camp as Christmas musical extravaganza that cannot be missed!

It's Britney, Bitch!

There's only two types of people in the world: The ones that entertain and the ones that observe. And there's no denying which of those categories the legendary Miss Britney Spears fits into.

Yeah, yeah, she's pretty fucked up and she's gonna mime her ass off. That's a given. But whether she's shaving her head, smacking a pap or shaking her world famous booty, Britney Spears always pulls out a good show. And you can be part of the action as Britney's 'Circus' rolls up into London and Manchester through May and June.

gay@gairrhydd.com / 29

books

Books Keats and Yeats, like, totally love this section Warrior Daughter, Janet Paisley (Penguin) naked sweaty skin in this novel, but not in any erotic way – more in a weird and slightly painful way. On page 33 the same buttocks and breasts appear five times in a 64-word paragraph.

Paisley’s previous novel was called

“

“

T

his is perhaps the silliest novel I’ve read, possibly ever. It was described as an ‘off the page kilt-lifter’. Because it's set in Scotland. Where everyone wears a kilt.

You know. If you’ve ever watched the whole of Braveheart, this is even sillier than that – and like Mel Gibson’s film, it seems to think it is being quite serious, and like Braveheart, it is apparently based on some legendary Scottish Queen.

Its central heroine is Skaaha, a wild young Scottish girl who is the daughter of a warrior queen in the Iron Age. This book is a journey through female empowerment, the Scottish landscape and dodgy prose. Let's turn to a quote: "The globes of her full breasts swung as she turned in the air, buttocks bouncing as she landed." I think she was being watched while jiggling about on her husband.

There are a lot of warm buttocks and

It's weird and slightly painful

White Rose Rebel, and I don’t even want to imagine the horror of that. That novel is about a rebellious girl during the Jacobite rebellion of 1745. As if chick lit wasn’t bad enough, and historical fiction wasn’t bad enough, now people are combining the two. The book is "illuminated by the Celtic fire festivals". I think it should be illuminated in them.

Aisling Tempany

The Sleepwalkers' Ball, Alan Bilton (Alcemi)

T

he Sleepwalkers' Ball could be a novel for everyone – it's part comedy, part romance, zany, trippy and philosophical. It could also be confusing nonsense. With so much going on, it's hard to follow.

The romance is between Gilbert and Clara. Gilbert is in love with Clara and searching for her. Where most people would just type their name into Facebook, Gilbert and Clara are searching for each other through the literary equivalent of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind crossed with Alice in Wonderland. They meet at random occasions as different characters.

The romance seems quite sweet but it's hard to feel a lot when so much is going on.

I wanted more romance and less quirky action with waving trees. I was sad for Gilbert because it seemed as if him and Clara were doomed to never get together and all of this strange stuff would go on forever.

The author, according to the back cover, has previously written on silent film comedy and Charlie Chaplin. Film is perhaps the biggest influence on this book. Apart from Eternal Sunshine and Alice, this book may

30 / books@gairrhydd.com

also remind you of The Never Ending Story, Mulholland Drive, or that trippy dream-like episode of Buffy in Season Four when Xander goes crawling through an ice cream van into Apocalypse Now. Hm.

This is a novel for people who like strange, surreal stories, not those who like their novels to be light and a little more straightforward.

Gemma Jones

Books on your bookshelf All year long I've used this corner to promote other people's books and events, but this summer sees the release of Storm at Galesburg and other Stories and Poems, which just so happens to include the first published poems of your esteemed Books Editor, who is described by the publisher as "one of the best new voices in poetry".

So there!

Since I'm undoubtedly destined for bigger things you should probably get your hands on this while you can.

“

You have to be one hundred percent dedicated to your craft

books

“

Emma Pocklington speaks to Wales Book of the Year Nominee Samantha Wynne Rhydderch Reviews have described you as a major new voice in poetry?' What influenced your writing?

Houses and their interiors have always interested me. As lots of people in my family are painters, paintings have had an enormous influence as I grew up surrounded by painters. Also, growing up by the sea, my maritime heritage has been hugely important. Even when I’ve been living in landlocked places, I’ve always had the sea in my head.

What would winning mean to you?

Gosh, I couldn’t even think about it, really.

I feel I’ve gone as far as I could go. It would be incredibly exciting. I’m delighted just to have been on both lists.

What do you think of the other two books nominated: Grace, Tamar and Lazlo the Beautiful and Blood etc.?

They’re fantastic. I couldn’t put Deborah Kay Davies' book down. And Gee Williams’ book has a beautiful and haunting voice.

Books have copies of the three shortlisted books: Grace, Tamar and Lazlo the Beautiful by Deborah Kay Davies, Blood etc. by Gee Williams and Sammantha Wynne Rhydderch's Not in These Shoes.

You could win them if you can answer the following question: Who is the National Poet of Wales?

Email your answer to books@gairrhydd. com. A winner will be picked on June 22.

Parthian?

I don’t think so, really. We’re all Welsh in different ways. I think that the quality of the writing is the most important thing.

Mike Parker (one of the judges) said that the books 'demonstrated huge truths'. Do you think that's true of your writing?

I hope so. When one’s written a book and got it published and it’s out there you become distanced from it. I try to demonstrate truth in my writing. I’ve used a variety of styles so as not to show just one voice or one opinion.

As a mentor for other poets, what advice would you give to any writers who are just starting out?

You have to be 100% dedicated to your craft. Don’t be afraid of set books and don’t give up.

Competition...

Does your entry seem like the outsider when the other two texts are both from the Wales-based publisher

Wales Book of the Year

2009

The longlist for Wales Book of the Year contained a lot of poetry – what did you make of that?

I’m thrilled to have made it onto both the longlist and the shortlist. I admire all the other writers. It’s an honour to be on the lists with both great poets and great short story writers.

books@gairrhydd.com / 31

digital

ILLUSTRATIONS: EBOY, BEN BRYANT

Tom Baker takes a sideways look at videogame cxncxxship around the world Islam is the Light: North America

Pika Jew: Saudi Arabia

Mattel have once again been accused of propagating Islamist ideology through their children's toys. The insidious DS title Baby Pals is at the forefront of an philosophical war zone where children are the biggest targets.

Of course, anyone who has listened to this well-publicised news story has heard the garbled message that sounds almost like it could say ‘Islam is the light’. Paranoid mother Rachel Jones heard the message from her daughter's doll at first, then the game. Shockingly, Fox news picked up on this revelation and instead of running the headline ‘Crazy woman thinks doll is an Islamist extremist’, backed her claims that Mattel was conspiring with Nintendo to bring down the West. Magic.

You know Pokémon, right?

The cute Japanese manga that became like crack cocaine to the under-12s? Well, the innocence of this franchise was lost in Saudi Arabia, along with equality and half their oil reserves.

The game was deemed Zionistic and apparently promoted gambling; this would definitely explain Hebrewmon and Gamblizard, but I am puzzled as to how Pikachu is an envoy for the Jewish religion, or how the children's game could in fact impel some young Saudi Arabian child to embark on a Fear and Loathing-esque trip to Las Vegas.

An English Rose: Great Britain This one was just for us Brits.

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The game Rule of Rose was pulled by publishers after rumours about the game's violence and sexual content involving young girls. Although it was cleared for release across Europe, if it had been released over here it cannot be denied that it would have raised a few eyebrows to the point where they could be used as toupees.

The game got mixed reviews, but the premise was that of a survival horror where you must appease a band of murderous children by finding them gifts. Set in a 1930s English village, it sounds utterly compelling and not nearly as graphic as certain Quentin Tarantino-designed films.

It just goes to show, portraying a film where a man has his achilles tendons severed by a chainsaw is somehow more acceptable than mild sexual references.

Chinese Whispers: China The censorship bodies in China had their work cut out for them with the Football Manager series.

Whereas other titles in this list have been attacked due to graphic content or the psychologically damaging effects that the games had, Football Manager committed the cardinal sin of recognising Tibet as an independent nation.

The game was quickly removed from shelves because the game tarnished the government's reputation as a big huggy teddy bear with no ill-feeling towards any of God’s creatures. Similar accusations were also brought against Command and Conquer Generals for acting as a smear campaign against the Chinese army.

THIS

digital

digital reviews

Chuck another game on the barbie: Australia Yes, the laid-back land Down Under is far from tolerant when it comes to games. With over 28 games banned, censored or re-released with altered content, Australia tops the charts for the most games turned away from a country’s border.

Titles include the obligatory mention of the Grand Theft Auto series for its bloody contribution to the corrupting arts and less likely candidates such as Fallout 3 for its featured ingame drug use.

DOCTORS'

WARNING Despite my argument that the idea of games inspiring people to go on murder rampages is as relevant as saying standing next to a tall person inspires you to grow, the concept of gaming addiction is a troubling one. This is mainly in the domain of MMORPGs, where the constant grind questing and levelling of characters would be enough to drive anyone to the brink in my opinion, but it can lead to shunning the outside world and becoming depressed and withdrawn.

Cases such as 41-year-old Qui Chengwei stabbing 26-year-old Zhu Caoyuan to death over a dispute about the ownership of a weapon in Legend of Mir 3, or Lee Seung Seopp in South Korea, who died after playing Starcraft for 50 hours straight.

These highlight how an obsessive personality disorder can seek fulfillment through games and although this may not be the direct fault of games themselves, the presence of these cases highlights the addictive qualities of certain games.

Sims 3 PS3 | £39.99

Godfather 2 PS3 | £39.99

I

ovie/game tie-ins are a veritable sea of mediocrity, so to see a title overcome this troubled past - even to a limited extent - is gratifying. What characterised the Godfather series was masterful story-telling and a superlative acting, and I say with no air of forced cynicism that this falls alarmingly short in the game.

So what excuses Godfather 2 from the hoards of lazy and pedestrian attempts at movie conversion? Well, it seems to realise that it could never live up to its silver screen namesake and so doesn’t even try.

This frees the game somewhat from the responsibility it has to a rigid story or scripted events, and as such the gameplay focuses on a management narrative as told through the eyes of GTA. Vice City toyed with the idea of holding businesses and having an entourage, but the expansion of this into an accomplished title actually works. This may well be an offer you can’t refuse.

Tom Baker

never took to the Sims series the way other people have. My last venture into Will Wright's God Sim world was Spore, and though I enjoyed it to some extent, the best part for me was designing the character rather than watching it progress.

If this is how you approach Sims 3 then you may want to consider another title. I may be the wrong person to review this game, possibly because I found educating a miniature digital version of myself and making sure he got a job a lot less satisfying than trying these things in real life.

The purpose of the Sims series seems to recreate yourself as a popular and successful dude who hangs out with rock stars: my experience of Sims 3 was punctuated at the end of the first day, when my character (rather obviously named Ben Dover) collapsed from exhaustion, urinated over himself and was then robbed. It made me question whether Will Wright had finally succumbed to the true darkness of life and in a jaded state created a game where you inhabit a minimum wage job until you die.

The flaunted new feature of this title is the ability to take your Sim online in something that resembles the Sporapedia in Spore where your creations can be downloaded and mingle with other Sims in their town. While this is a nice feature, it worked in Spore because of the sheer variety in the creature editor, but since the create-a-Sim feature is a lot more limited, it feels more tacked on to justify the ‘anonymous data’ EA asks for your permission to store when you install the game.

Frankly, Sims 3 doesn't seem to bring a whole lot more to the table, but it’s a nice title and it will serve fans well. If you've never stepped into the Sims' world this would be a nice introduction, but if you were indifferent before, Sims 3 will do nothing to change your mind.

Tom Baker

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Q&A: Popmorphic

M

***

What is Popmorphic?

We’re a new video technology company and we’ve developed the first editing tool that allows you to change what you’re seeing while you’re watching. It’s a unique, patented, polymorphic technology that allows you to edit in real-time, chopping the video together for you while you’re watching it.

How has Popmorphic been used so far?

It's already being used extensively for music videos.

There's great scope for use in fashion and sport too, however. In sport, if you wanted to watch a particular team, for example, it takes it one step further than the Red Button picking the angles for you during the game.

Popmorphic is compatible across all platforms , so with any luck it'll be gracing your TV set soon! In the meantime, check out the video for Unicorn Kid's new single 'Lion Hat' at http://www.popmorphic.com/ unicornkid/

digital@gairrhydd.com / 33

the

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34 / arts@gairrhydd.com

h t "I

Mock

u can s o y f f u t s e v a i l y g re do i n a ink as p u o r y n a e nyt etty much a comic wh you want really"

arts

g n i h

wee k

jo brand

arts

at the same time. It drives me nuts, I don’t do it anymore!"

“So if you’ve got some, you know, area of life that you are particularly concerned about or you want to talk about, it really is a great arena to kind of get some sort of message across without being too, well, ‘wanky’, I want to say, but you know what I mean.

“I try not to preach to people and I’ve always thought that the most important thing is to be funny first and then if you can slide in a few of your own concerns along with a funny joke then fair enough.”

As a comedy performer, Jo is no stranger to public speaking. She recently appeared as a judge on BBC’s The Speaker, but doesn’t claim to be an exceptionally confident speaker herself. She says, “I think you’ll find that a vast majority of people that speak in public think afterwards that they’ve sort of got away with it, and they can’t quite believe that they’ve managed to string words together to make sense really.

“I’ve done comedy since 1988, so over the years you do acquire more confidence in expressing yourself, but I wouldn’t say I ever think that I’m a good speaker or that I’m a particularly confident speaker. I would say I just do it and hope it’s going to work alright, really”.

As for performing on numerous panel shows, she explains how they are “stressful in a different way”.

“I think like everyone else comics have off-days and if you are not feeling funny and you are tired or you are fed up, your level of performance isn’t that great.

“But on a good day, it’s lovely. I have to say that QI is a very relaxing, fun show to do and people aren’t particularly competitive when they are doing it. Whereas something like Mock the Week is like having seven really irritating brothers all trying to get a word in at the same time. It drives me nuts. I don’t do it any more!”

Jo will be starring in a new three-part comedy series for BBC Four from July, so look out for more from the irreverent and entertaining comedienne this year.

d in

A

s an established comedienne and star of television panel shows such as QI and Mock the Week, Jo Brand has gained recognition as a leading figure in the entertainment world. Having turned her talents to writing, she is here at the Hay-On-Wye literary festival to talk about her third novel, The More You Ignore Me. When asked how she got into writing fiction, she replied, “I thought it was a good opportunity to stay in and not get dressed! To sit up in some room at the top of the house with my laptop and sort of bugger about in my nightie.”

Her writing is filled with all the wit and charm that you might expect from the comedienne. She says, “There was a terrible temptation when I wrote my first novel to be funny twice on a page, like you are with stand up. You know, have X amount of jokes in however many minutes you are doing.

“I sort of let go of that after the first one, because I don’t think a novel flows very well if you are constantly feeling that you have to put jokes in it. But I like to think as a piece of work it’s not too serious, you know.”

Her latest book proved a challenging project, taking two years and involving major rewriting of the first five chapters. She explains, “Eventually I caved in and I scrapped the whole lot and started again. I’m glad that I did because actually I think, hopefully, what came out the second time was much better really. It was probably worse!”

The novel is suitably upbeat, but also deals with the subject of mental health and how it affects families. It follows teenager Alice, whose mother Gina is obsessed with the weatherman on the local news and, after climbing naked onto the roof with Alice’s pet guinea pig, she is taken to the local psychiatric hospital. Having worked as a psychiatric nurse, Jo has drawn from general experiences in her own career.

She explains the tremendous freedom you have as a comic to explore subjects such as mental health that others might shy away from. “I think as a comic when you are doing live stuff you can say pretty much anything you want really.

Illustration: Benjamin Phillips

"I just do it and hope it's going to work out alright"

Kate Budd caught up with Jo Brand at the Hay Festival to chat about novel writing, public speaking and fighting to talk on panel shows.

r o w a t e g is like ha ing seven to v irritating brothers all trying arts@gairrhydd.com / 35

hay fever arts

Shits and giggles at Hay-on-Wye's cultural feast

Dylan Moran 27/05/09 Barclays Wealth Pavilion

was Moran’s comparison between the characteristics of men and women.

He explained how men have a shorter memory than women and really don’t care about such things as which curtains to buy.

As Moran became more confident on stage, he got through two or three glasses of red wine and chocolate while sharing his ideas of enjoying the pleasures in life.

At times Moran represented an angry man going through a mid-life crisis, reminiscing about his earlier years before children, commitment, modern technology and having to decide which curtains to buy.

Lisa Evans

D

ylan Moran is best known for his appearances in films Notting Hill and Shaun of the Dead, as well as his live comedy act.

This year Moran performed at the Hay Festival to an audience he gently mocked as middle-class and representing every borough and 'shire across England. Moran stumbled across stage, sharing his rants with the audience.

He began his show with a comedic outlook on the MP scandal stating that they are all like us, so why are we so surprised by it all? He went on to criticise the Daily Telegraph for teasing the public with a daily countdown of the MP expenses in a Big Brother style.

The main focus of the show

Dara O’Briain 29/05/09 Barclays Wealth Pavilion

D

ara O’Briain, one of Ireland’s most famous comedians, was a sell-out at Hay Festival this year.

Bounding on stage in an energetic manner, his excitement to be under the spotlight was transferred to the audience.

From the outset, O’Briain warned that his comedy performance involved interacting with the audience, causing those in the front row to shuffle awkwardly. Unlike most comedi-

“

ans, his act was not staged or pre-empted.

Instead, his interaction led to some clever one-liners that had the audience rolling in their seats.

The audience were asked about times when they had intervened in a crime. One woman told the audience that she had helped to catch a person leaving a shop with a trolley full of food, while a man told about a time when he had trapped the person who was trying to break into his car. These stories provided O’Briain with material to

The Early Edition 29/05/09 Guardian Stage

T

he irreverent star of The Late Edition, Marcus Brigstocke, is joined by a host of panellists for a satirical look at the news.

The team sift through the newspapers to find funny topical stories including a couple who raised a monkey as a child and someone who found Jesus’s image in a tub of Marmite.

Brigstocke’s sharp wit is what makes this performance special, but there is an element of predictability in a panel show like this and one audience member even shouts out "You did that one on Wednesday!" to a look of dismay from the hosts.

But it is an entertaining hour of newsbased mockery, with all the panellists trying to out-pun each other and create the biggest laughs from the audience.

A fun hour of witty banter for fans of news satire and Radio Four comedy.

Kate Budd

work from.

It was precisely this intelligence, wit and ability to make the audience laugh that makes O’Briain such a hit on the comedy scene. One thing was definite: you had to be extremely brave and willing to get involved by sitting in the front row of one of Dara O’Briain’s comedy performances.

Lisa Evans

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up - Dylan Moran

“

36 / voyeur@gairrhydd.com

going out

SUMMER

FESTIVAL

ROUND-UP glade

Music and Going Out team up to bring you the best pick of this summer's festivals

16/7-19/7

23/7-26/7

Having originally started out life as a stage at Glastonbury, Glade has now been operating as a festival in its own right since 2004. During its five-year lifespan it has built up a robust fanbase and established itself as a credible alternative to the ‘more gurners than GCSEs’ crowd found at events like Global Gathering. 2009 sees the festival moved to a brand new site in the hope of circumventing some of the noise restriction problems that have plagued it in the past, with nineties rave legends Underworld headlining the main stage along with Booka Shade. The majority of Glade’s appeal, however, comes from some of the more obscure electronic acts appearing across the smaller stages, many of whom rarely feature on the nationwide clubbing circuit. Expect all manner of warped audio frequencies on hand, ready and waiting to do wrong to your eardrums.

hop farm 4/7-5/7

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With a policy of no sponsorship, branding or VIPs, Hop Farm sets itself apart from the competition with its deliberate efforts to put the punter first. Set over 90 acres of countryside in Kent, its grassroots appeal and friendly atmosphere make a refreshing change to the corporate mentality that can be so prolific among much larger festivals. It's a formula that seems to be working, because after its first year in 2008, Hop Farm is already attracting a line-up of heavyweights that includes Paul Weller, Editors, Super Furry Animals, Ladyhawke, 2manydjs, Scratch Perverts, Kissy Sell Out and Metronomy.

If you're looking for a festival that feels small but pulls big acts, then this could well be the one for you.

secret garden party

More renowned for its unparalleled atmosphere and sense of fun than the list of acts performing, Secret Garden Party is the festival brainchild of Cardiff party collective ‘Secret Carnival’.

Set in the midst of beautiful East Anglian countryside, and on the shores of its own lake, SGP is about as close as you're likely to get to going down the rabbit hole without three tabs of acid and a copy of a Disney film. Everywhere you look there is fun to be had, whether it’s with hidden art installations hanging from the trees or dancefloors floating in the middle of the water.

Fancy dress plays a big part in proceedings, and this year’s theme looks promising, intriguingly entitled ‘Babylon and Eden’.

If you’re looking for a festival with a little more personality than the rest, Secret Garden Party is as unique as they come.

get loaded/south west four

While, strictly speaking, this is two separate one-day events rather than an overall festival, the roster of artists shared between them this year is so good that it has to get a mention.

Sundays’s Get Loaded has live performances from the newly reformed Orbital, as well as Royksopp, Laurent Garnier and Peaches, among others. SW4 is aimed more at showcasing heavyweight A-list DJ talent, and covers pretty much all bases in a who’s who of trance, house and techno superstardom. The fact that it’s all held on Clapham Common, right in the heart of South London, makes it all the more appealing, as the slightly dubious matter of designated driver sobriety needn’t be an issue. Given that the Cardiff incarnation of SW4 appears to have disappeared forever, either of these would make the perfect opportunity for a cider-fuelled Megabus road trip to Lahndaaahn.

going out@gairrhydd.com / 37

going out

SUMMER

FESTIVAL

ROUND-UP glastonbury

24/6-28/6

After the backlash following last year's line-up by xenophobic Manc rocker Noel Gallagher, the summer institution returns with a line-up which, while perhaps a notch safer, is nevertheless exciting for those who’ve managed to wangle a ticket for this year's festivities. As usual, ‘Glasto’ sold out faster than every other festival, but the line-up speaks for itself – Blur, Lily Allen, Fleet Foxes, Regina Spektor, Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, Bon Iver, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 2ManyDJs, Animal Collective, Tom Jones, The Horrors, Echo And The Bunnymen, the list goes on…

And it’s all spread over four days and a gazillion stages at the glorious Worthy Farm.

Let’s just pray for no mud!

38 /goingout@gairrhydd.com

16/7-19/7

latitude

Set on the Sunrise Coast in Suffolk, Latitude is fast becoming a popular alternative to Britain’s mainstream music festivals.

Set in picturesque surroundings and nestled amongst lakes and woodland, the festival’s comedy line-ups have boasted big-name talent over the years, including the likes of Bill Bailey and Dylan Moran, and hold a reputation for such distinguished guests. Its range of music – while perhaps limited in quantity when compared to the bigger festivals – is diverse, and this year sees Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds headlining alongside Grace Jones, as well as performances by Doves, Bat For Lashes and Editors.

9/7-12/7

exit

The popularity of Exit Festival (full name, The State of Exit Festival) among Brits has grown exponentially with each successive year. 2009 marks its tenth anniversary, and is sure to be one of the most spectacular yet. Held in the ruins of the Petrovaradin Fortress (a giant castle floating on an island in the middle of the river Danube), Exit caters for wide ranging musical tastes, although the dance-orientated lineups are particularly impressive. This year the main dance arena has a strict back-to-back policy, and boasts a list of acts that would have even the most hardy of clubbers reaching for a box of tissues and clean underwear. Richie Hawtin vs. Dubfire, Carl Cox vs. Green Velvet, James Zabiela vs. Nic Fanciulli, Kissy Sell Out vs. Alex Metric, Sasha vs. John Digweed, plus rare appearances from Moby, Kraftwerk and Etienne de Crecy, who has recently developed a live show more spectacular than anything in recent memory (YouTube it, now!). Third-year students can curse the cruel twist of fate that graduations start the day the festival closes.

green man

21/8-23/8

Since its humble beginnings in 2003 as a one-day event, Green Man has gone from strength to strength. Based locally in the Brecon Beacons, the festival focuses on folk and psychedelic music that draws a largely bearded crowd. This year is no exception, offering its best line-up yet with the likes of Animal Collective, Grizzly Bear and Wilco as some of the most notable acts. Taking place over an August weekend, you can expect perfect weather to accompany cider drinking and a great range of live music. Moreover, the festival offers a selection of literature, film and comedy, and is a hippie haven for anyone looking for a relaxing cultural break.

melt! 16/7-18/7 Held amongst the gigantic skeletal mining cranes of a now dormant quarry on the banks of a lake in rural Germany, the location of Melt! is possibly the most striking of any festival you are likely to encounter. At night, with their monstrous frames lit up with all manner of lights, pyrotechnics and fireworks, you could easy be forgiven for thinking you’d slipped into the stage of some neo-apocalyptic sci-fi death metal video. While some major bands like Oasis and Bloc Party are performing this year, the emphasis remains largely on the German electro and techno scenes, with sets from Tiga, Boys Noize and Trentemoller listed as a few highlights among many. The music plays pretty much non-stop for three days, which is fine given that the campsite is a 10-min walk away, and the weekend as a whole has ‘irresponsible gibbering hedonism’ written all over it.

If you can squeeze in a trip to Berlin on top of it, you’ve got the recipe for a serious crash-land to reality on your return home.

11/9-13/9

end of the road

going out

The organizers of this gem set out with the plan to put on the perfect festival. That means no over-hyped headliners, nothing corporate, no pissy beer, and no E’d up twats. End of the Road is about Music, and good Music at that. This year sees the September fest offering up Explosions In the Sky, Fleet Foxes, Dirty Projectors, Okkervil River, Mumford & Sons, and a veritable smorgasbord of other quality acts for you to put your ear to. Set in the idyllic Larmer Tree Gardens in North Dorset, End of the Road is one festival that deserves a scrawl on your calendar.

11/9-13/9

benicassim

The setting is idyllic – beach, sun, sea and sand – and this year the line-up is brilliant, with highlights including Kings of Leon, Oasis and The Killers, along with the more recently added White Lies, Glasvegas, and Mercury prize winners Elbow. Now in its 15th year, the International Benicassim Festival (FIB Heineken), near Valencia is back with over 100 acts over 4 days, offering something across the whole musical spectrum as its indie and rock roots rub shoulders with DJs and more experimental music projects.

The festival is unique in its location, situated within walking distance of the beach and a huge water park to keep you cool. As well as the diverse range of musical performers, the festival boasts an extensive bill of non-musical entertainment, including dance, art, theatre, fashion, silent disco and a short film festival.

goingout@gairrhydd.com / 39

music

music

lll

Local

newsinbrief

C

lwb Ifor Bach is, without a doubt, my favourite club in Cardiff. On my first outing there, I saw High Contrast in the DJ box surrounded by a host of merry ravers dancing like there was no tomorrow. It felt as though I’d found my family. I threw myself into the melee and never looked back.

However, Clwb’s appeal is not just for bass-heads, but music-lovers of all kinds.

There are regular nights dedicated to everything from electro to indie to '80s music, and bands play throughout the week. The rooms are smaller than a lot of clubs, and accordingly more intimate, but the three-floor layout offers variety.

Imagine my dismay, then, at hearing the news that the Welsh Club is being threatened with closure. An application to convert the building next door into a backpackers’ hostel has been approved, prompting concerns about noise levels. In March, The Point was forced to close after being ordered to pay £100,000 in soundproofing.

The same thing could happen to Clwb Ifor Bach.

A cacophony of angry voices has assembled on the internet to lament the potential loss of one of Cardiff’s most iconic music venues.

David Shaw, a local promoter, calls Clwb “the holy grail of Welsh independent clubs.”

As promotions manager Richard Hawkins points out, Clwb has been “an integral part of the city’s music scene since the 1980s.”

Time to get those placards out – this is a cause worth fighting for. Join the petition on Facebook – Support Clwb Ifor Bach Against Closure Kirstin Knight

Jackson 50

Doctor Doctor

Susan Boyle's Over

What will he do next? After being signed up to play 50 shows at London's 02 Arena, 'crazy' Michael Jackson has hit out at gig bookers claiming that he had only agreed to play 10 shows.

The ageing pop star expressed concerns at merely being able to complete the 50 shows, let alone put on a good performance, but after years of fucking up his financial standings, it's probably no bad thing as the additional shows should put his bank balance back in the black. Even so, this is no consolation for the adoring fans that have paid four billion pounds for a ticket, who will surely be disappointed as they watch their idol choking on his own overblown pyrotechnics.

Probably the two best doctors in existence, Dre and Pepper, have teamed up for an advertising campaign featuring a clip from Dre's forthcoming album Detox.

In the advert, Dre makes reference to the album's ridiculously drawn out recording process, claiming that the best things in life are worth waiting for. Indeed, this claim is proved true by the pairing of these two cultural behemoths, as images of the delicious drink are complemented by smooth hip hop beats.

As for Detox, what's the worst that could happen?

Actually, I'm pretty sure it already has and it's called Relapse.

Zing.

Scandal! It's a fix! These were just some of the reactions to Susan Boyle's epic failure in the final of ITV talent competition Britain's Got Talent.

It's been the story of the spring, as seemingly everyone got caught up in SuBomania, and as it came to its dramatic close I couldn't help but a feel a pang of sadness in my heart.

With just a week to go before what seemed like certain BGT success, the red tops turned vicious in what seems like an overt attempt to ruin an old lady's life.

You may have lost, Susan, you beautiful ogre of a woman, but you'll always be a winner in the eyes of this magazine.

music@gairrhydd.com / 41

music

CARDIFF GOES LIVE Cardiff's live music scene has never been so vibrant, with bands, promoters and DJs flooding into the city. Kyle Ellison talks to promoters and explores the reasons why. and get some decent shows in the capital.”

But booking gigs is only half the job and the recession has hit audiences as well as promoters, making it harder than ever to get people through the door. With Three Syllables in its infancy as a promotions group it has made a loss on several recent shows, but

“

the city’s youth a service, the headcounts will improve.”

The recent closure of The Point in Cardiff Bay has shown just how unstable the industry is, as risky cultural investment can lose out to bankable property development. However, West insists that this loss is counterbalanced by positive changes, and also argues The

Everyone is pulling together to make Cardiff a recognised city of music and culture

West remains confident he can change this.

“Once it’s established that the bands we’re booking are cutting-edge, and we’re attempting to do so,

42 / music@gairrhydd.com

“

T

he end of the year can be a distressing, almost joyless time for students. Finishing a degree only to realise you haven't actually learnt any useful skills is probably not what you planned when you first arrived at university, but in Cardiff a group of dynamic promoters are offering a delightful distraction.

Like many other things, it has been suggested live music is generally on the decline. The Guardian’s Caroline Sullivan reported that “venue managers, agents, bands, promoters and record company staff have all suffered”, yet Cardiff is enjoying a boom that is bringing some of the world’s most exciting talent to the city.

Three Syllables, Loose, Sŵn, Kruger, Shape and Lesson Number One; these might not be names you are familiar with, but they're some of the major promoters responsible for putting Cardiff back on the musical map. The city hasn’t always been a hotbed for gigs, but it now draws small yet critically acclaimed independent bands nearly every night, as well as boasting its own inner-city festival and an increasing number of venues.

Leon West, founder of Three Syllables, explains, “There are a few promoters like myself who have decided it’s crunch time.” He adds, "I had to fight tooth and nail to get a band like Black Lips to come to Cardiff, but we're a massive city and it shouldn't be so difficult. It's either sit back and wait for the agencies to avoid Cardiff, or put some work in

Point’s recent closure is no great loss". He admits, “I won’t miss The Point: it was too far out of town so no one wanted to travel there.

Besides, no one was really interested in Thin Lizzy and Iron Maiden tribute bands anyway.”

In recent months, the venue of choice for many of Cardiff’s promoters seems to be the newly refurbished Buffalo Bar. Indeed, events manager Jonathan Mussell has outlined his intention to have “Live entertainment every night of the week,” a feat he reveals the venue has achieved “90% of the time since we made the changes.”

This focus on keeping live music and club nights separated is significant, after many existing venues have begun to prioritise their club nights over gigs in the last few years. Our own

Students' Union, for example, hosts two of the city’s largest music venues yet these are mostly occupied by what West describes as “drink-sponsored events.” This is something he hopes to change: “50% of any shows are made up of students, so it’s time to take advantage of that and make the most of what we have.”

One event which does just this is Sŵn Festival, which takes advantage of all of the facilities Cardiff has to offer.

The three-day event, organised

by Radio 1 DJ Huw Stephens and local promoter John Rostron, sees bands occupying the city's venues and bars, as well as its shops, cinemas, galleries and of course, its promoters.

In many ways Sŵn Festival can be seen as the culmination of all the brilliant things Cardiff has to offer. As Rostron explains, “Huw and I see Sŵn as a magnifying glass for what’s going on in Cardiff already; a sort of intense weekend bringing together everything that happens in the city during a year.”

It's only a snapshot in time but Swn captures the sweat and hard work which goes into providing Cardiff with the best in new music. Nobody is capable of doing this alone, but Mussell concludes, “Everyone is pulling together with the same aim of making Cardiff a recognised city of music and culture.”

With the miserable effects of recession looming around every corner, live music might be exactly what people need to pull them through. Fortunately for Cardiff residents, its promoters are leading the way in bringing top-notch talent to the city.

music

a bluffer's guide to...

Montreal

Phil Guy looks at the thriving music scene in Montreal, Canada and discusses how three of its key artists and bands shape the community...

D

espite its geographical location in the heart of Canada’s Quebec region, Montreal is a city renowned for its distinctly European character.

As well being as the second largest French-speaking city in the world – shortly after Paris – Montreal is recognised as Canada’s cultural capital, and boasts a strong diversity in visual arts, theatre and music.

The city has garnered considerable attention from popular media outlets as the ground zero of independent rock music in the 21st century, and features a scene that blends the tradition of great North American rock music – Seattle, New York – with its own European signature; audible in the orchestral tendencies, and the appreciation of historical music that tinges the output of many of its artists.

The result is a scene that is a veritable factory for exciting and forward-thinking artists, and the bands emerging from the fringes of Montreal are some of the most critically acclaimed and respected in the world of independent music.

The Arcade Fire A group of multi-instrumen-

talists operating around the musical and marital pairing of Win Butler and Regine Chassagne, The Arcade Fire are the darlings of Montreal’s music scene. Intertwining the staple instruments of independent rock with French horns, violins, and other more traditional mediums, the band’s debut album Funeral captured hearts and minds worldwide, and met with substantial critical acclaim and commercial success to match.

Now bona-fide superstars, The Arcade Fire’s local impact is incomparable; Funeral drew the eyes of the music industry worldwide to Montreal and the bustling scene at work in 2005, and the resulting exposure made The Arcade Fire the tip of the iceberg when it came to exploring Canadian music and gave the world a gateway into the heart of Montreal’s musical community. Associated acts of note include Bell Orchestre and Final Fantasy, featuring past and present members of the collective.

garde take on conventional post-rock, comprising lengthy pieces that lend much to the realms of classical and orchestral music. Typically a nine-piece, though sometimes featuring as many as 20 members, live shows encompass original film loops composed by violinist Sophie Trudeau to provide context to the abstract and often challenging music offered.

Shady and elusive, Godspeed You! Black Emperor were one of the first artists to release music through the influential and fiercely anti-corporate Constellation Records, and maintain an uncompromising punk ethic and a resentment for the mainstream and for the music industry. On indefinite hiatus since 2003 due to political issues, there is currently no evidence of any further work, but side project Silver Mount Zion continue to make music under the shadow cast by Godspeed You! Black Emperor’s musical achievements.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor

Wolf Parade

Godspeed You! Black Emperor are renowned for their progressive and avant-

Wolf Parade marks the centre in a web of artists stringing from local icon Spencer Krug.

His tireless work and never-

ending list of collaborations, previous bands and successes are a tribute to the endlessly creative community that Montreal boasts. This particular venture – a partnership with Dan Boeckner – produced the stunning if criminally overlooked Apologies To The Queen Mary in 2005; the eccentric, more synthetic answer to The Arcade Fire’s Funeral that substitutes the folk and chamber-pop leanings for guitar-driven itchiness and general oddity.

Spencer Krug represents the flexibility and unwavering work ethic of Montreal’s musical community; a desire to make as much music as possible, with as many people as possible. It’s this aspect of the community that explains it’s incestuous nature; collaborations and side-projects are many, and it’s this that makes the scene so productive.

Wolf Parade are an understandably slow-moving band due to the other commitments of its members – these include Sunset Rubdown, Handsome Furs and Swan Lake to name a few – and they are certainly small in comparison to the two previously mentioned bands, but no group is more representative of Montreal’s musical community.

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music

DIRTY PROJECTORS

Bitte Orca Domino

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GRIZZLY BEAR Veckatimest Warp

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hen a band release a truly stunning record, it’s all too easy to look back through their discography and claim it was always coming. Nevertheless, in Grizzly Bear’s case the signs were always there; when we look retrospectively, anyway.

With their first release the Brooklyn quartet numbered just two, but 2004’s Horn Of Plenty introduced the psychfolk harmonies that dominate their later output. As the group expanded, so did their sound, and on their sophomore album, Yellow House, Grizzly Bear went widescreen, while upping their production and improving their melodic craft.

The Friend EP followed, with its stand-out track He Hit Me (a Ronnettes cover) demonstrating the band’s appreciation for, and able execution of, popular song.

With Grizzly Bear’s latest release, Veckatimest, these

dapper New Yorkers have realised their potential, and how! Granted, it's a record that takes a few listens to fully grasp, but after that you're left with 12 chamber-pop tracks that shamelessly flirt with perfection.

It's been three years since their last album, but Grizzly Bear are a band who are best suited to a slow tempo. However, the band's rigour can be appreciated in each pitch-perfect harmony, every orchestral flourish, and the sheer craft that has gone into the songs.

Asking me for a stand-out track on Veckatimest is the equivalent of pressing a parent to name the favourite of their children. In spite of this, I feel duty bound to note that Dory is the best looking, While You Wait For The Others has the highest IQ, and Two Weeks is the most popular at school.

As you can probably gather, I've formed quite a personal relationship with this record, so don't just take my word for it when I say Veckatimest is possibly the best release of the year so far; find out for yourself.

Guy Ferneyhough

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9

DAN BLACK Un A&M Records

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ith either an English prefix, or French article, number and pronoun for the title (pretentious even for a Parisian), I was gearing up for deep philosophical musings which would musically springboard off Black’s previous alternative band The Servant and go right over my head.

Alas, no. A few galaxies over, while this album is unavoidably catchy and head-boppingly, synth-poppingly satisfying, it was only okay. At worst it had a third-rate Oasis whine, at best a funk-tastic electro pop bassline.

Admittedly Cocoon and Life Slash Dreams were nice enough, but nice doesn't cut it.

Ironically, Black stumbles into that crowded middle-of-theground grey area of the forgettably average. Tip: don’t call your album Un unless you’ll be making genre-warping, perspectivealtering musical strides: frankly Un-inspiring.

Natalie Stone

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t’s safe to say that Dave Longstreth’s Dirty Projectors have had one hell of a spring. After recording and performing with David Byrne for the Dark Was The Night compilation, and collaborating live with Bjork, the sextet are now preparing for their new summer offering, Bitte Orca.

Throw in the added fact that the band have secured a deal with Domino for the release and we have strong reason to believe that Dirty Projectors are fast becoming one of the bands of 2009.

The content - follow-up to 2007’s collection of loose Black Flag covers, Rise Above - only strengthens this case, as this is a record that displays a band truly reaching their potential, and in the case of Dirty Projectors, that’s a heck load of potential.

Bitte Orca is the most complete collection of intricate and ambitious pop music you’re likely to hear for a long time, and every track bristles with confidence and musical competency. Straying effortlessly between genres of popular music, and showing off some truly spectacular vocal harmonies from Longstreth’s female accomplices, Dirty Projectors frequently display their recognition and understanding of genres of musical complexity. Jazz, soul and classical arrangements all go explored, but are translated so efficiently and successfully into conventional and altogether more digestible pop formulas; RnB-literate track Stillness Is The Move is a sure-fire bet for one of the singles of the summer 2009.

Bitte Orca is a hands-down success for Longstreth and his counterparts, and comes after years of sonic musings and experimentation, but something tells me this collection will be all the more rewarding for those who’ve stuck with Longstreth through the years. For the rest of us, it’s a path of entry into the discography of an emerging pop mastermind, and what’s just as exciting is how far this will throw Dirty Projectors into the limelight of alternative music.

Phil Guy

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music

FUTURE OF THE LEFT

Clwb Ifor Bach 25.05.09

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uture Of The Left and Clwb Ifor Bach; the two go together perfectly, like strawberries and cream, sun and cider, Tories and greed – they just fit.

Tonight’s heroes are preceded by a stellar gaggle of support acts. Regular readers of this section will be all too aware of the excellent shows Pulled Apart By Horses have put on in our city in the recent past, and they were joined by Wrexham trio The Joy Formidable – a joy to behold but perhaps not to the audience’s taste.

FOTL came on to a heroes' welcome, but to the surprise of this reviewer their set wasn’t full of songs from their new album; perhaps a ‘fuck you’ to the many who downloaded the leaked version of Travels With Myself And Another. Nevertheless, the threepiece were at their barnstorming best, combining their raucous rock with onstage humour; truly a match made in heaven.

Guy Ferneyhough

ANATHALLO Buffalo Bar 21.05.09

DOT TO DOT Bristol 23.05.09

t takes a performance of uncommon depth and ingenuity to stun Buffalo's top floor into silence.

Tonight's line-up did it twice.

Samamidon, a banjo-strumming minstrel with eyes like saucers and the most captivating stage presence of the evening, set the tone perfectly for centrepiece Anathallo.

Perched precariously on the relatively small stage, the Michigan seven-piece carved a delicate set of Sufjan Stevensesque melodies that silenced the crowd. Frontman Matt Joynt, his eyes tightly shut for the gig's duration, cut a fragile figure on stage.

And the ringing silence midset spoke volumes: this was an unusually exposed showing from all artists that hooked its audience and cast them reeling into the night.

Ben Bryant

ristol’s one-day equivalent to the Camden Crawl boasts an everimpressive line-up going into it’s third year, upping the Skins factor with Friendly Fires and Ladyhawke, yet also featuring bands with actual credibility. While its name might allude to a multivenue affair, we mostly hide away in the dingy basement space The Cooler, where fluorescent sunglasses and glitzy shell suits are not quite so garish.

Reykjavic’s Hjaltalin are up first, starting the day with their uplifting post-rock anthems.

They sound like a bulkier Sigur Ros with giant Icelandic balls, which is no bad thing, even if not quite matching some of the country's finer musical exports.

San Francisco’s surf-pop four piece Girls are up next, attempting to reflect the glorious

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weather into our grimy hovel for the day. They are a peculiar band to look at, with two guitarists sporting long flowing hair à la The Darkness’s Hawkins brothers and a drummer who twiddles his drumsticks at every available interval. In spite of this, they offer a mesmerising performance, colouring their simple, jangly pop tracks with a psychedelic edge.

Brooklyn’s Crystal Stilts, on the other hand, prefer things a little bit darker, and their eclectic psych-tinged punk is perfectly suited to the grim surroundings. In surprising good-humour, the quintet storm through songs from January’s Alight Of Night, losing pieces of keyboard in the process.

If you’ve ever listened to Patrick Wolf and thought, “this song needs more riffs,” then this performance is for you.

Arriving on stage like a camp indie spaceman doing a weak David Bowie impression, the tender gothic pop songs of old are almost entirely absent. It’s a shame, as fans of Patrick Wolf, to see older songs reworked into such a dated

pop-rock paradigm.

If you are to believe the music press, The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart are emerging as the band of the summer. Silly names aside, the energetic five-piece are a buzz band worthy of their praise, rattling through the highlights of their recent self-titled debut. Their pop-punk formulas and playful boy-girl harmonies endear them to a packed house, and they leave as the band on the tip of many tongues.

Due to the absence of reasonable train times, Vivian Girls stand as our last band of the day. Whilst not as politically motivated as the Riot Grrrl movement of the 90s, the all-female trio certainly share the DIY garage-punk traits of their formers, and play through a short and spiky set of recent singles including Wild Eyes and Such A Joke. Finishing with an instrument rotation while playing, Vivian Girls provide a suitably entertaining climax to the day and appear to enjoy themselves in the process.

Kyle Ellison & Phil Guy

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music

singles round-up

Ben Marshall vents, using this week's single releases as a pithy prose punching bag... cock like Burberry Blue Eyes, they are essentially disproving Darwinian theories by still existing in the face of overwhelming ridicule and irrelevance. Seemingly a song about the kind of doe-eyed fawning female ‘indie’ fan that you wouldn’t waste your piss on if she were on fire, Johnny Borrell is apparently on a crusade to try and become Britain’s biggest bell-end, and for that I salute him. Now for some serious music for serious fans. Everybody’s favourite pofaced boring French shoegazers M83 are back with We Own The Sky. Well if they do, I wish they’d fuck off up there and join their mates in Air France and disappear forever, because music needs another tedious inoffensive electro act like I need a swift kick in the gonads.

Apparently Flo Rida is still noncing about the pop charts like the ingrowing arsehair on the musical world that he is.

I literally lasted 24 seconds of this torrent of unfettered bullshit before I was restrained from putting my foot through the stereo and sending the bill to Mr Rida. The man can't

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rap, Nelly Furtado sounds like some kind of broken shitty robot from the future and essentially the whole thing might as well be a recruitment tape for Al-Qaida for all the good it does for society. There is some very good music around actually, and leading the way

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it might as well be a recruitment tape for Al-Qaida for all the good it does

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ooray, good old singles. Being given a big pile of CD singles is a bit like Christmas; albeit a Christmas where all your relatives expect you to write about your gift favourably in a magazine, and will get pissy if you slag their gift off in anyway whatsoever.

First up are the ska/indie/rap troupe Kid British with their opus Our House Is Dadless.

The group wear their ska influences on their bloody awful sleeves, by having a great big audio shit over the memory of one of Britain’s greatest ska bands, Madness. Sampling erstwhile fish salesman Suggs’s tribute to family life, Our House, Kid British manage to prove what The Ordinary Boys and Lady Sovereign tried to all that time ago. Just because things share a common origin doesn’t mean they should go together; just look at India & Pakistan.

Next up are everybody’s favorite horse-faced useless twats, Razorlight. I’ll admit, I was completely unaware that these arseholes still existed, and by parping out any old

is London-based rap singer Master Shortie with Dance Like A White Boy. This song is brilliant for a multitude of different reasons, but my current favourite reason is the fact that the barely literate trogolodytes that occupy the comments section in Youtube are getting in a self-righteous rage over his supposed racism, the dull twats that they are. It’s a riotous,

dumb as fuck hip hop/electro banger and I fucking love it. So there, internet badasses, what are you going to do about it?

Finally, Blackout Crew with Dialled. Once every so often, music decides: do you know what? Fuck cool. And the nascent Donk movement evolving in the North of England embodies this. Ignored by the London-based music press because they got all snotty over the fact that something got popular and they were in no way a part of it, Blackout Crew are the Beatles of Donk.

Adored by fake-tanned hen night-goers spooning their foul udders out for any old bell-end with a digital camera, and ‘roidravaged lunkheads alike, Dialled is a brilliant 21st-century pop song, and is actually pretty fucking clever. It has a ringtone based hook, and actually includes a verse about people bluetoothing the song to each other on their phones. Serious.

Not to mention the fact it has one of the best choruses this side of Stay Another Day, it’s probably the best song that’s coming out this summer. Gutted for you, M83.

music

MUSIC AND CLUB LISTINGS

20th june Tubelord, Barfly

21st june Jamie T, Bristol Thekla Van Morrison, Wales Millenium Centre

22nd june Ghostlines + Caesars Rome + Tiger Please, Buffalo Bar Dredg, Barfly

9th june Rusko, Glo Bar, 9pm, £3/5 Teeth Mountain, Clwb Ifor Bach

10th june Golden Silvers, Clwb Ifor Bach The Peth, The Globe Gary Numan, Bristol Academy

11th june C-Y-N-T pres. Boy 8-Bit, Clwb Ifor Bach, 10pm, £3

12th june Sumo Residents Party, Glo Bar, 10pm, FREE before 10pm Neuropol Residents Party, Clwb Ifor Bach, 10:30pm, £tba Orphans & Vandals, Clwb Ifor Bach

13th june Uprising Revival Special with Yard Food BBQ, Incognito, 10pm, £3 before midnight £5 after

14th june

COMING UP: RUSKO 23-year-old Rusko is one of the fastest up-and-coming dubstep DJs in the business. Last year he graced the Great Hall for a night of dark, dirty beats, and this week he’s back for a more intimate performance in the smaller surrounds of Glo Bar. Born into a musical family, Rusko claims that music has always been a part of his life. His mother was a member of a folk band, and he grew up within the reggae and dub scene of his hometown, Leeds. His dubstep style is born out of dub reggae: “It was just dub, no step. It’s only within the last two years that I’ve put a step on the end.”

The Thermals, Bristol Thekla

18th june Aperture pres. D-Bridge, Clwb Ifor Bach, 10:30pm, £tba Alliance pres. Craggz and Parallel Forces, Undertone, 10pm, £5/4

Rusko made his production debut in 2006 on Dub Police, and is famous for his collaborations with Caspa, including a FabricLive mix in 2007. His sets are dynamic, energetic, and reverberating with the kind of bass that dreams are made of. Hang on to your hats, Glo Bar – this one’s going to be heavy.

Rusko, Tuesday June 9, Glo Bar, 9pm, £3/5

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film

film news . rumours . conjecture AHHAAAAH!

PEGG GETS HIS PAUL

TOY TEASE

After years of speculation Steve Coogan has announced plans for an Alan Partridge movie. The news arrived during a recent BBC radio interview, in which Coogan expressed his desire to bring his hapless chatshow host and regional radio disc jockey to the big screen. The decision has been a long-thought-over one but Coogan, now 43, confirmed that the likelihood of a Partridge film is now certain. Just how exactly Coogan feels his character needs to be developed has yet to be revealed and so far plot details of the film have been very shady, although a storyline has reportedly been decided on. Mooted rumours of a feature-length outing for the parody broadcaster have been in circulation for around four years, but the big question here is why now?

Admittedly returning to the character who first brought him fame is understandable, but it is not as if Coogan has been resigned to merely reprising his past glories in recent years. His success in Hollywood has been modest but equally productive, with several successful writing and acting stints, most recently cameoing alongside Ben Stiller in Night at the Museum 2. In any case, for one of Britain's finest comic actors, this has to be considered a step back in his career, especially when you consider that the character's specifically British appeal would most likely alienate international audiences. Such a return is not completely out of leftfield, though, and will certainly excite Partridge fans, but unless the character receives a considerable development, it will probably be a disappointment. Still, it could be worse... Paul Calf: The Movie anyone?

Earlier this year, Simon Pegg surprised fans by announcing he was stepping down from a role as one of Tarantino's Basterds to focus on a project he had been penning with Nick Frost. Now scheduled to go into production later this month, Pegg's decision to decline QT is shaping up to be a rather shrewd one, as five tantalising additions to Paul have recently been announced. Seth Rogen, Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader and Jane Lynch are all lined up for parts alongside Pegg and Frost, who are leading this now mighty comic ensemble. The film places the pair as two British sci-fi geeks enjoying a road-trip to Comic Con (it's basically autobiographical, then), who stumble upon a secret Area 51-style facility where they befriend Paul (Rogen), a small, escaped alien. The Universal/ Working Title project is being directed

by Greg Motola, the man behind 2007's Superbad and the forthcoming Adventureland, and is due out next year.

If you are familiar with this section, you will be aware of our love of all things animated, so the recent release of a teaser trailer for Toy Story 3 has got us just a little flustered. Before you start getting all giddy with us, though, take a deep breath and relax: the film is not due out for another year. Still, any shred of information regarding this highly-anticipated sequel is salivating stuff, so to have actual footage at this early stage is a real treat. And great Disney's ghost is the footage great!

OK, so it may be little more than a brief advert/teaser, but in any case it is still the most exciting minute-long snippet of film we've seen for some time. While there are no hints towards plot details or new characters, it's a joy to see the cast from the first two films together again.

Woody and the gang are all here, all teamed up and ready for adventure. In addition to the original line-up, Jodi Benson and Michael Keaton are set to be voicing Barbie and Ken, although neither are shown in the teaser trailer. The third installment in this much -loved and critically acclaimed Pixar franchise is to be directed by Toy Story 2 co-director Lee Unkich, who also helmed Montsers Inc. and Finding Nemo. With the film in good hands,Toy Story 3 promises to be special and could have the potential to become the first animated film to win the Best Feature Oscar.

this week: horror special p.52film@gairrhydd.com / 49

film

terminator: salvation dir: mcg cast: christian bale, helena bonham carter, sam worthington out now, 115 mins

Synopsis: The year is 2018 and the survivors of Judgement Day are fighting a long, gritty war against the murderous machines of Skynet. John Connor (Bale) is attempting to co-ordinate the Resistance, while elsewhere a man called Marcus Wright (Worthington) wakes to discover the future isn’t quite what he’d expected.

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uring the 25-year history of the Terminator franchise, the ‘future war’ against humanity’s robotic oppressors has only been touched upon. Salvation, set right in the midst of this post-apocalyptic conflict, marks a change.

Earth is a shattered husk – whole cities lie in ruins and scattered across our desolate planet are pockets of Resistance fighters, introduced in a noisy, whizz-bang fashion that sets the tone for the rest of the film. Director McG (the man behind the Charlie’s Angels franchise) has at least disproved fans' concerns that he wouldn’t be able to do action; the entire

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plot revolves around truly impressive pyrotechnics, along with some top-of-therange CGI. The Terminator series has never really had any quibbles with its lack of realism (we are talking about time-traveling, selfaware robots here), but the gargantuan holes in logic in Salvation are problematic. Where, in the desolate, post-nuclear world, are we finding fighter planes, petrol, medical supplies and ammunition? How come the machines have handy USB ports that allow them to be hacked into?

These contrivances go on to highlight the fact that the plot simply isn’t very good, creating several ‘wait… what?!’ moments, especially when we discover Marcus’s big, bad secret.

Salvation was always going to get a rough ride, but while it neatly pays homage to its predecessors (including a muchanticipated digitized cameo from some Austrian guy) and sets up an intriguing premise for future installments, its components don’t quite come together to create a whole. It’s hard to tell whether Bale’s heart is really in it, and the relentlessly grim tone, while understandable given the survivors' situation, may just be too damn depressing for some. With all of this in mind, the question is: will the franchise be back?

Andy Swidenbank

***

drag me to hell dir: sam raimi cast: justin long, alison lohman, lorna raver out now, 99 mins

Synopsis: Christine Brown is a young gogetting loan officer in search of a promotion.

Yet when her boss challenges her to make the tough decisions and she denies a mortgage extension to an elderly gypsy woman, she becomes the victim of a terrifying curse.

Now she has just three days to break the curse, otherwise she's going to hell.

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ne must ask whether Sam Raimi kept one eye on the world markets as he was penning his long-awaited return to the horror genre.

After directing the first three Spider Man movies, the American director returns to his roots, delivering the same kind of morbid fun as the films that made him famous. Drag Me to Hell follows a similar formula to the Evil Dead series; spellbooks, demons, and more jumps than the day Steven Hawking regained the use of his legs.

Thankfully, the fun factor remains an important part of Raimi's films, where all

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too often horror directors fail to look past the shock factor which inevitably ends up with a one-dimensional, slow, boring movie. Although well within his comfort zone, this is the first addition to Raimi's horror canon for some time, yet it is by no means a safe venture.

As the evil spirits take their revenge on an overly a weak-willed banker (however, when asked, it was nothing to do with the recession), somewhere between a gypsy slobbering all over a poor little banker and a set of eyeballs slapping said victim in the face, you have to ask whether the lighter side of this picture has gone a little too far.

Don't get me wrong, in recent years the genre has got stale - and this film is fun, very fun. But you have to ask whether the movie would have been better if they had left one or two of the scenes out.

That said, there are several sequences of pure, unadulterated and unashamedly clichĂŠd horror, which only a director with Raimi's understanding and experience with the genre could get away with.

Either way, Drag Me to Hell is a welcome relief from the gore-orientated horror flicks that have clogged the industry for the past half-decade, and will certainly provide the nostalgia factor for faithful fans of Raimi's earlier work.

Paul Stollery

***

looking for eric dir: ken loach cast: steve evets, eric cantona, stephanie bishop 12th june, 116 mins

Synopsis: 30 years after making his most regretted life decision, Manchester-based postman Eric Bishop is still struggling to cope with his guilt and self-loathing. That is, until he turns to his idol and starts to make amends for his past mistakes.

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p until its premiere at Cannes last month, where it received a rapturous reception, this small British film had been somewhat undersold.

The notion of Eric Cantona appearing as a vision of himself may seem strange, and for good reason, seeing as the French ex-footballer has never demanded the level of reverence he once earned with a ball at his feet. Placed within a bleak and entirely unglamourous backdrop, however, Cantona proves his worth in a film which is both moving, compassionate and utterly hilarious.

Directing the enigmatic and temperamental footballing talisman must have been a real challenge, but the level of

passion and charisma Loach gets from the Frenchman exudes effortlessly from him.

Make no mistake, "King Eric" (as he is still known to the Old Trafford faithful) may be appearing as himself, but you get the feeling his character is far from close to the man behind the famous number seven shirt. Instead, his self-referential performance seems to adhere to the clichĂŠd image that many fans still maintain, the philosophical, sullen genius that is, and always will be, Cantona.

As a vision of one unstable fan's fantasy, it is a joy to see Cantona speak of his own past glories, which are atmospherically reminisced, in order to help his troubled namesake overcome his depression. The conversations between the two Erics are at times brutally frank, yet they also have a much needed light-heartedness, proving the strength and depth of this unique and well written film.

With his hero by his side and a newfound confidence, Eric's journey is sad but ultimately feel-good, and although his obsession is recurrent, his story stretches so far beyond just football. This is not just the finest British film of the year, it is also Loach's best work in some time. The veteran film maker has not approached such emotive material with this much care since Kes, forty years ago.

Adam Woodward

*****

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film

ANDY SWIDENBANK EXAMINES THE ENDURING APPEAL OF HORROR A

lmost everyone has a film they remember that scared the shit out of them. For me, it was 2008’s Spanish zombie/handy-cam nasty [REC.]. I distinctly remember leaving the cinema in a quaking, quivering mess, constantly looking over my shoulder in the fear that I too may meet the same fate as the film's hapless central characters. Why had I, a 20-year-old guy, been reduced to peeking from behind my fingers in sheer terror at the last 10 minutes of this film? Furthermore, why had I paid for the privilege, and why had I enjoyed it?

Perhaps horror’s defining characteristic is that, ultimately, it is experience-based.

While any half-baked romantic drama can tug at the heartstrings and even the most average comedy can get a laugh from its audience, horror can affect us like no other genre. It elicits palpable and visceral emotions that at any other time we would avoid at all costs.

It’s by no means a new phenomenon.

Having been the subject of moving pictures since their conception, it remains a paradoxical form of entertainment. From Universal’s monster flicks in the 1930s to the evolution of exploitation and ‘splatter’ in the '70s and '80s, horror pervades popu-

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lar culture at all levels.

Given its enduring popularity, it’s no surprise that the question of why we love horror has been mulled over by cultural commentators and academics alike. Everything from Freudian psychoanalysis to sociological theory has been applied to the genre in an attempt to explain why people might return again and again to the cinema in order to terrify themselves. Are we allowing our darker subconscious to revel in the misery and violence in a socially acceptable environment or is the pleasure in horror derived from watching with friends and laughing at every jump and scare?

Unfortunately, despite horror remaining a hugely popular genre, it has a tendency to become mired in its own established rules. While it thrives off of its recognisable conventions, it has a disposition not to learn from its mistakes. The late '80s saw ludicrously extended franchises including Halloween (eight films and one remake), Friday the 13th (10 films, one remake and one crossover) and A Nightmare on Elm Street (seven films and one crossover), all of which re-treaded the ‘young-sexypeople-get-slashed-up’ narrative until it was as butchered as its teenage victims.

It wasn’t until horror gained the ability to be self-reflexive – most memorably with

Scream – that the genre was rejuvenated.

Wes Craven’s 1996 masterpiece was able to take the same old story and swivel it on its head. For once, the victims understood horror – they reacted to their ghost-faced killer the way real horror fans might.

While fans may revel in the identifiable conventions and rules set down in horror law (the ‘don’t split up’ and ‘don’t say “I’ll be right back”’ factor) they also need to see them subverted and adapted. Although the modern glut of horror, particularly the category of ‘torture-porn’, was sparked off by original thinking with films like 2004’s Saw, the genre is once again ironically falling into its own traps.

Fortunately, though, for every five or so sub-par, low rent dismemberment-fests we get a gem. Films like the brutally kinetic 28 Days Later and The Descent have proven that horror can be handled intelligently while maintaining the all-important scare factor. This month sees another potential standout release in the form of Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell. Known particularly for his Spiderman trilogy, the director kick-started his career by creating the Evil Dead series. Combining gross-out, comic book horror with a good dose of tonguein-cheek, wink-at-the-camera humour and crafting leading man Bruce Campbell into

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a cult icon, Raimi knew exactly what horror fans wanted and delivered in spades. So far, Drag Me To Hell is getting the kind of critical reaction usually reserved for anything but horror and is potentially a much-needed lifeline for the genre, pulling it out of the stagnant, gory quagmire that it currently resides in.

Above all, horror is a genre that demands immersion. It can, if done properly, transcend the regular, passive activity of movie-watching and create an experience.

Its appeal lies in the fact that it is able to draw us in so fully that it makes us react both physically and emotionally as though the on-screen threat is directly affecting us.

It allows us to experience these unusual, primitive emotions in the safe environment of the darkened movie theatre, and for 90 minutes a horror film enables us to try and endure what usually we would not.

So, as I cowered like a six-year-old girl in the middle of the Odeon, I realised I was a part of [REC]. I was trying to survive the ordeal along with the protagonists on-screen. I haven’t seen another film that created in me such an extreme reaction – and if I ever do, it’ll almost definitely be another horror film.

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here are only a handful of scriptwriters in Hollywood whose names have transcended the films they have written, whose names instantly bring to mind a certain style of movie, who have an artistic tone as recognisable as any single director, and who have become a household name in their own right.

Charlie Kaufman is one of these few, penning some of the most original, interesting and emotionally honest films of recent years. For me it is the latter of these qualities that makes him such a unique voice.

Being John Malkovich, his debut as a writer for the silver screen, has to be one of the most outlandish, ambitious and incredulous debuts of recent years. Incredulous for the sole reason that it was even made. The story of a man who finds a way to enter the mind of John Malkovich for five minutes at a time is both hilarious and emotionally insightful - Kaufman’s scripts always manage to remain on the right side of the line between the surreal and the self-consciously zany. His ideas are not arbitrarily far fetched: there’s a method behind the madness, a driving meaning behind each so-called quirky moment.

For me, if not for everyone, his crowning achievement is the brutally honest Adaptation, in which Kaufman writes himself as the main character. This could so easily seem self-indulgent and narcissistic. However, far from portraying himself as the romantic artist, he writes himself as a neurotic, self-absorbed writer who regularly masturbates over a cover sleeve photograph of Meryl Streep. The glamour of Hollywood.

In fact, Adaptation was originally planned to be a straight adaptation of Susan Orleans's The Orchid Thief, but Kaufman, suffering from a crippling case of writer's block and unable to complete it, subverted the text in a way only he knows how. Nicolas Cage provides a careerdefining performance as Kaufman, and his

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fictional twin brother.

Writing believable films about relationships is an almost impossible task - only a few film-makers and writers can convincingly write both male and female characters, leaving enough room to allow for the almost unending panorama of human emotions. With Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Kaufman not only brought to the screen the unutterable pain and loss of the end of a relationship that is the entrails of lost love projected across a darkened room, but he told it in a completely original and engrossing way. Jim Carrey, suffering from depression after his ex-girlfriend has broken up with him, finds out that she has had all memory of him consciously erased. He goes about doing the same, but mid-process he has a change of heart and we see him crawling through his own thoughts trying to cling on to the few remaining memories of his lost love.

Eternal Sunshine is heartbreakingly honest. It’s about the pain of losing someone, the way we struggle to remember things, places, people, and the clouds that loom overhead when we realise that some things are lost in time. It’s about the self-flagellation of keeping hold of little pieces of our past life to try and make them seem more real. The movie rightly won Kaufman an Oscar. "Why does Eternal Sunshine touch people?” he writes, “I don't know, I could guess… It's a subject that I think everybody lives with: relationships and the pain of dissolving relationships, and the hopefulness of trying again with someone”.

More recently, he released his directorial debut, Synecdoche, New York, a remarkable movie about a playwright who reconstructs his life, and New York in a warehouse, a project which overtakes his life, and becomes more real than the outside world. Excitingly, it indicates that Kaufman has an eternally shining career ahead of him behind the camera, and not just next to it.

William Hitchins

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ith everyone’s favourite collar-popping Frenchman (apologies to Napoleon) making a long-overdue foray into our multiplexes this week, we here at Quench Towers felt it high time that we looked at the great sporting movies of all time. The field was competitive (though not quite as competitive as you might think considering the life-or-death importance of sport for most of the population): sweat, tears and spandex alone weren’t enough to secure a place on our prestigious podium. Those lucky few had to embody the passion, the dedication and the downright obsession of fans and sportsmen alike; to chart the highs and the lows, the joy and the frustration, and the gut wrenching uncertainty that we all know and love in our sporting arena. Without further ado, then, we give you the top five sports-related movies.

JERRY MAGUIRE (1996) Dabbling in the murky waters of sporting agents, Jerry Maguire lays bare the driving force of the modern sporting world: cash. Charting its eponymous character’s journey from morally bankrupt, ‘dowhatever-it-takes-even-if-it-means-killinga-baby’ agent to ethically and emotionally responsible, ‘I’ll-play-ball-with-ReneeZellweger’s-weird-looking-kid’ all-round good guy, Cameron Crowe’s movie is also a timely reminder for us all that Tom Cruise is more than just a megalomaniacal scientologist. Cuba Gooding Jr. isn’t half bad either. SHOW ME THE MONNNNEEEY! TWENTY FOUR SEVEN (1997) A film that, more than any other, captures the transformative power of sport, Twenty Four Seven was Shane Meadows's first feature film and for many remains his most emotionally raw. Shot in sumptuous black and white, Bob Hoskins turns in a career-defining performance as boxing trainer Alan Darcy, a local man who believes that the kids in his neighbourhood deserve better. A story of one man’s tireless attempts to give directionless young men self-respect, discipline and hope, this wonderful piece of cinema is as life affirming as it is devastating.

HAPPY GILMORE (1997) It may be preposterous, it may be brash, it may be Adam Sandler, but

Happy Gilmore sums up the excruciating frustration of sport better than anything.

Cast-iron proof, if any were needed, that the fine line between stupid and clever happens to be very, very funny indeed.

THE WRESTLER (2008) There is something about the story of an underdog which makes for truly inspirational cinema, and they don't come much more awe-inspiring than this. Mickey Rourke turns out the performance his career was building towards, playing a faded, semi-retired professional wrestler: Randy 'The Ram' Robinson. Gritty, raw and incredibly moving, this story of an old dog refusing to retire his old tricks lifts you with every slam onto mat and every chant from his adoring, loyal fans.

RAGING BULL (1980) The second boxing film in our list is not only one of the greatest sporting movies of all time, it would be equally placed on any list of top films. Breathtakingly shot in black and white, Raging Bull is perhaps Scorsese's finest accomplishment as a film maker. The film is also famed for Robert DeNiro's method approach to tackling the difficult task of emulating the late great Jake La Motta. He packed on 60 pounds, an industry record, to play the aging retired prize-fighter.

Words: Adam Woodward, Sim Eckstein Images: Benjamin Phillips

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