Staying in Touch

words by: ELLA WOODCOCK design by: KATIE MAY HUXTABLE

The end of the term. For many, the end of university life. For some reason leaving university never has the same feeling as leaving school did. It kind of sucks, waving through the window as your last housemate gets kidnapped by their parents. The fridges are empty and there is no milk left to steal… it is time to leave.

Goodbye should just mean see you later. It makes everything a lot less sad and will help you to maintain healthy adult relationships. The art of staying in touch is easier said than done, but it is equally as important as the work you put into making the friendships in the first place and the hours you spent getting your degree.

Friendships are one of the most important things to earn from going to university; these are the people that you chose to surround yourself with for these years as you grew into an adult and found your feet in the world. Chances are these friends have seen you at your worst and helped drag you up to your best. That is why, through everything, you must try and keep in touch. Social media and smartphones have such a bad reputation. In many cases, rightly so. But in this case, we can use it for good. Texting, and other forms of social media, can help us to stay in contact with the people we love. If you are in a relationship do not let that get in the way of the time you give to your friends. It is hard to get that balance, and when you are not physically close to them then it can be even harder. But in the same way as you would not stop contacting a romantic partner, you should not stop contacting your friends.

Despite this, try not to rely completely on social media. Sometimes it feels like a text conversation is enough to fulfill that void of communication. It can be, but try to organise to see friends. Obviously, there will be some who live far away, which is part of the beauty of going to university. This does not automatically mean you can never see them again. Positive people in your life are worth the effort. You could organise a weekend with them, make visiting them your summer holiday (or part of it). If you are lucky enough to have friends who live a little closer, it is really nice to introduce them to other friends you have, this way you can see them on a more regular basis. Make sure though that if you are doing this, your friends are comfortable and that you still make time for one on one interactions. Failing this, try and utilise the more interactive aspects of your laptop or phone. Video calls or voice calls are a much more personal way of staying in touch and you can actually say a lot more in a shorter period of time than you can over text.

Setting aside an hour to speak to a friend in the evenings is a nice way to fill that time between getting home and an acceptable time to eat your dinner, but it will also make you and your friend feel as you are having a proper conversation.

Nobody is under any illusion that life is crazy. We have jobs and family and friends from home that live nearby. Everyone does. You need to give your friends some leniency. Do not let the lack of what you deem to be adequate communication be a factor that pushes someone away. If they are important enough for their distance to upset you, then they are important enough to express your feelings too. Respect that time is valuable – organise a weekly phone call and let them know you miss them. Some people are better at communicating long-distance than others, but this is not necessarily a reflection on that person’s feelings towards you and your friendship. They may just need a gentle reminder and some reassurance from you that this is something that you want.

The sad reality is that, as you leave university, you will not keep hold of everyone you encountered at that time, and that too is okay. Just as there are only certain people from school you remain in contact with, the same will be with university. So do not feel upset when particular people slip away. Just make sure you know who you want to keep, let them know and have a mutual effort in maintaining these connections.

The world works in crazy ways. I have often found that people end up resurfacing later in life. You may both get a job in the same city in ten years or start working with their partner. Goodbye should always be a see you later when it comes to friends.

I have always hated my body; I really want to start going to the gym but I am afraid the people in there will look at me and think I am stupid or laugh at me because I do not have a gym body. How do I get the confidence to go?

First of all, there is no such thing as a ‘gym body’. It really baffles me that people see the gym as somewhere only people who are perceived as ‘fit’ go. The gym is for everyone and fitness is not always visible, you cannot judge someone’s fitness by how they look. The truth about the gym is that everyone in there is there for themselves. For their own goals, whatever they may be. In the kindest way possible, nobody in that gym cares what anyone else is doing, other than worrying what others are thinking of them. That is it. If you want to go to the gym to feel good and get healthy then that is amazing. Get your music on and go. I promise you that everyone is there for their own reasons, with their own insecurities. If you are worried about not being able to use the machines properly you can ask a member of staff or even watch YouTube tutorials. People all have their own journeys, and everyone starts somewhere. Starting is respectable and everyone is either in the same boat as you or has been there before. Appearance means nothing, try and make yourself happy.

Q&A with ella

My ex is in my friendship group. We had a really bad break up, and although we have agreed to be civil he keeps spreading things about me to our mutual friends and twisting things that happened in our relationship.

People often try to make themselves look better after a break up to save face. It is an actual psychological theory as part of a breakup and it does make sense. However, it’s important not to meet his level. Do not start saying nasty things too. This will make your friends feel uncomfortable and also give him reason to slate you more. You have mutual friends so they will have experienced the breakup too - him lying or saying However hard I try I can’t get above a 2:2 on my uni work. I really want to graduate with a 2:1 but I’ve just finished second year and that doesn’t look possible. What do I do? nasty things stands only as testament to him and not to you. Chances are people will see exactly what he is doing. If you honestly believe he his jeopardising friendships just speak to him calmly. Easier said than done with an ex but you need to take the high ground. Do not make friends take sides or get reaction back. Explain to him you are hurt and Seek help. Just like with anything, asking for help is so you understand he is too but just to leave your name out of his mouth, important. Your personal tutor or your lecturers will help especially when it comes to friends that you share. you. I am not an academic expert, but you can open these channels of communication so easily and they will make the world of difference. I know that ENCAP run essay workshops and so does 51A Park Place. You can find these detailed on the intranet. All departments will have their own ways in which they can help you. I also find that really reading the feedback you get on essays helps. Do not just accept your mark and carry on. Lecturers spend a lot of time giving feedback and it can be golden. If you do not understand it then book a meeting with them and ask them about it. There is no shame in needing help, it is the job of the university to get you the grades you want but they can’t do that if they do not know you need them.

Me and my boyfriend have a really healthy relationship for the most part. We barely ever argue, but, if we do, he gets really personal and says things that are purposely hurtful. I have tried to tell him that he can’t do this, but he just apologises and blames his temper. My friends are disgusted by the things he says. I do not think it’s bad enough to break up, but they say differently, what do I do?

Obviously, you know your relationship better than other people do. If you feel like he honestly makes you happy then this may be something you can fix. You say that it you do not argue often, this could suggest that he just does not know how to have a disagreement with you so resorts to these childish and hurtful tactics. This is a hard line to tread because if he is saying abusive things whenever you guys have a disagreement and is unable to reach a resolution in a mature manner, or if he gaslights you and makes you feel as if every argument (however infrequent) then something needs to change. However, if it is just a case of an inability to communicate effectively this can be worked on. He needs to know that you will not tolerate this. That one more outburst will put your relationship in serious danger. Explain to him that falling out is natural and does not need to be combatted with verbal aggression.

If you ever feel threatened or in danger from something he’s said or the way he acts there are numerous helplines that you can contact.