“WLTM: that special someone for dinner, friendship, life”

With the government’s stated aim of increasing the number of ‘economically active’ residents, it’s no surprise that some enterprising Islanders are investigating ways to enliven their stays here, or even encourage them to put down real roots. Yes, we’re talking about dating apps and matchmaking.

According to cloudwards.net, in 2022 there were 366 million users of dating apps worldwide but with online dating still suffering from a ‘quick hook-up’ reputation, you might be surprised to know that as many as 74% are looking for a real commitment and that nearly 14% of online matches end in marriage. And although less romantically, 20% of these will end in divorce before their 10th anniversary, you’d still be better off than those couples who met through work, where it’s 24%.

But statistics don’t tell the whole dating story, and that’s where The Library and Queen of Hearts come in. We’ve all heard that it’s impossible to meet ‘the one’ on an Island when you think you already know everyone, or even like all these new ‘economically active’ residents, you really don’t know anyone! Perhaps you’re too shy to hang around in bars ‘just in case’ or anxious about logging on to an app to find the usual suspects popping up, with the possibility that you know their sisters, husbands, or worse, their children.

The Library is the local dating app which ‘rejects the fallacy that looks are all that matter and instead focuses on all the stuff that really does: thoughts, values, ideas, beliefs, passions, loves’. At least, that’s the idea. I asked founder Ollie Mitchell how this works:

“At no point do we ask members to post pictures,” he says. “The saying, don’t judge a book by its cover, is just as valid when considering a prospective partner – looks aren’t everything. In The Library we tease information out of our members, to make them think and know that their possible connections have also thought about their answers. To do this we have what we call ‘ORs’,” Ollie continues, “would you prefer a beach holiday OR a city break? Stephen Fry OR Stephen King? 90s Indie, OR 90s Dance? There’s a new ‘OR’ every day and once you’re a Library member you can answer as many of these as you like and choose to connect with other people who think the same way, or whose answers interest you.”

So far, so uncontroversial, but I thought I’d ask a couple of The Library members: “I liked the ‘no photo’ idea at first,” said Jane (not her real name), “but once I’d started an online ‘connection’ I wanted to know who I was chatting to. And most importantly wanted to know that it wasn’t my best friend’s husband or just as bad, my boss!”

Juan (also not his real name) was more positive: “I like the fact that The Library is very transparent with clear guidelines which encourage members to be kind and truthful. And the more ‘OR’ questions you answer the more likely you are to be able to weed out those who’re being less than honest. I haven’t found that special someone yet, but you never know!”

Ollie obviously agrees: “The Library gender ratio is currently 55% women, 45% men and we don’t discriminate against those looking for samesex relationships. We also don’t, and won’t, vet members’ marital status, we can only trust people to join with the right intentions,” he continues. “Our privacy features include limited personal information and no photos, and if we removed these it would start to impinge on the core things we are trying to achieve - using words and communication to nurture slow friendships and, maybe romance. And The Library has had its first marriage proposal, so I’d call this success!”

You can’t talk about dating apps without mentioning Tinder which remains the most popular, particularly with 18-25 year olds. Its founder, Faye Iosotaluno, said recently that the demographic has shifted, with the LGBTQ+ community now one of the largest and fastest-growing segments with what she says is a more open-minded approach to ‘hooking-up’, which isn’t always sexual. And if you want more fluid, ‘out there’ experiences there is always Feeld, which the polyamorous couple who set it up say they did so to explore threesomes.

I couldn’t find anyone on the Island who’d used Feeld – I obviously don’t know the right people - but several pointed me towards Queen of Hearts, not an app but a more traditional match-making service, set up 18 months ago by hairdresser Lisa Petrie. “During Covid it became obvious that there were people out there suffering alone, often even physically unwell,” she says. “I’d already informally successfully matched some friends so I started to look into becoming a registered matchmaker and gained a distinction in Relationship Psychology.” And she obviously has the match-making knack as the Queen of Hearts Facebook page is full of glowing endorsements and one couple, she says, has just started house-hunting together.

“My clients range in age from 25 to 85, but the majority are in their 40s or 50s and when faced with starting to date again, sometimes for the first time in many years, they don’t want to risk online dating, where you don’t really know who you are meeting, they could be married (which often happens) or their photos could be from 10 years ago or very heavily filtered. I meet all my clients in person so everyone who signs up knows that any prospective dates have been heavily vetted by me, and I go on to provide support throughout the process. Queen of Hearts is,” Lisa says proudly, “a safe dating space.”

In the name of research for this feature I asked friends about their experiences many of which were funny, sad or downright bad: “Went for dinner, got a call to say a friend had died, and my date accused me of making that up as an excuse to leave. But it was true, my friend was dead.”

A UK friend who refused to name their source contributed this simple, clichéd, but apparently true story: “A man. Worked in politics. Wanted to be called Daddy.”

And from the days before smart phones, a success story from the now defunct Guardian Soulmates. A friend of a friend met her husband there, “although she laughs now that she probably wouldn’t have answered his ad if he’d included that he worked for the Daily Mail!”

But back on the Island, one slightly jaded friend said that if the Government is serious about bringing economically active people to the Island, “please can it also add ‘older, healthy, financially secure, no criminal convictions, no drugs and definitely no baggage’ to its wishlist.”

The Library Dating Service is on Facebook and Twitter as @ TheLibraryDates and also at www.thelibrary. im. Following its success in the Isle of Man, The Library is soon to launch in the UK.

You can also find more details about Queen of Hearts IOM on Facebook and at her new website www. queenofheartsiom.com And for all other dating apps, there’s always Google.