5 minute read
The Big Sleep - Jay Mason
THE BIG SLEEP
by Jay Mason
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters.
Author unknown, but attributed to Jim Davis
There is a conspiracy afoot in the land. It is more pervasive than the Search for Big Foot and the government’s cover-up of UFOs. I am not sure how it began. It is led primarily by married women. It started slowly and over time built up to a deafening roar. In recent years, the conspiracy has spread throughout the country and probably the world, so that now every married man has had to face the “problem” in a serious way. I am sure you guessed by now that this pariah that must be eliminated at all cost is SNORING. When I was young, I never thought about it. My dad snored; my mom snored. As far as I knew, everyone snored. Moreover, I always wanted to die in my sleep rather than being kidnapped by terrorists and die in captivity. It turns out that it is not a good thing to fall asleep and not wake up. What happened to “If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take”?
Today modern science is determined to solve all of our problems. An entire industry has arisen to combat the “epidemic.” Anthony Burgess, an English writer once said, “Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.” Snoring is a unique phenomenon. Have you noticed that you can’t hear yourself snoring unless it gets so loud that it wakes you up? What a gift! You can go to sleep and not even know that you are snoring. But NO, this is not a gift; this is a medical problem which must be cured.
On television, on radio, on social media and everywhere else, cures for this problem are advertised. You have heard them: Theravent, ZQuiet, Sleep Pro, Snore Stop,
Snore Rx, Vital Sleep, Snore Meds, Zyppah, divorce, lose weight, and my favorite, Nozovent. This list just scratches the surface, as there are hundreds of products you can try. I tried the nose strips that were supposed to open your nasal passages. They didn’t work, and I had to use a blowtorch to get the strips off my nose. For those who like to spend money, there is always the sleep number bed where with the push of a button you can raise or lower your husband until the snoring goes away. Good luck with that one.
My solution for snoring to-date has been a sound machine. There are many varieties available that produce every known soothing sound, including campfire, rainforest, bubbling brook, rain, ambience, peace, calm, meditate, ocean and many more. My favorite is White Noise. I take the machine everywhere. I have used it so long that now I can’t go to sleep without it – probably another problem that will need to be solved in the future.
Occasionally I have been on business trips where I had to room with other men who also snored. I thought I was bad – I have roomed with some champion snorers...once. White Noise did not come close to drowning out the noise. I had to resort to Ocean Surf and time the crashing of the waves with the loudest part of the snoring cycle. But the key to success in this situation is to get to bed first, and then it becomes someone else’s problem – uncharitable, but effective.
If the DIY solution is not successful, you must advance to the next level. First, a diagnosis by a medical professional must be obtained. If you are informed that you have sleep apnea, then you qualify for THE MASK. At my age, I have many friends at this level.
Some friends are very happy and say they get the best sleep they have ever had. Others have become so frustrated that they have given up the mask. However, many wives around the country have celebrated when the mask is required. It is very difficult to snore if your mouth and nose are covered with a plastic mask pushing air through your nose. Wives of the world, unite. Victory is yours. Peace and quiet, at last!
I know that sleep apnea is a serious problem. I know it is not healthy to quit breathing while you sleep. But surely, we can laugh on our way to our sleep study. Another sign of sleep apnea is falling asleep during waking hours. I thought I was copying Jack Reacher, the famous fictional character, who hitchhikes across the country dispensing justice when the law has been unsuccessful. Jack can fall asleep day or night. His explanation is that you get sleep when you can. I usually fell asleep when I was bored. Unfortunately, sometimes I was driving. I have now been informed that it is another sign of sleep apnea. I still get bored; I just don’t fall asleep. I have been scared awake.
I will tell you the story about my first sleep study. I was handed a list of instructions. One of those instructions was “Stay up late the night before and come tired to the study.” I told them that I didn’t have to stay up late. I was tired from working all day. When it was bedtime, I got into my pajamas. Then the very nice nurse attached numerous electrodes all over my body. I felt like a robot. Now you want me to fall asleep? I tried to fall asleep but then I had to go to the bathroom which means that they had to disconnect me from the machine. I was a terrible sleep study patient. I think I slept twenty minutes that night. Later I said the study should have been conducted the next night.
I failed the test. More importantly, She Who Must Be Obeyed decided I didn’t try hard enough. I see another sleep study in my future. Right now, I need a nap.
Photo by Felicia Lainey
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