THE BIG SLEEP by Jay Mason
If people were meant to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters. Author unknown, but attributed to Jim Davis
There is a conspiracy afoot in the land. It is more pervasive than the Search for Big Foot and the government’s cover-up of UFOs. I am not sure how it began. It is led primarily by married women. It started slowly and over time built up to a deafening roar. In recent years, the conspiracy has spread throughout the country and probably the world, so that now every married man has had to face the “problem” in a serious way. I am sure you guessed by now that this pariah that must be eliminated at all cost is SNORING. When I was young, I never thought about it. My dad snored; my mom snored. As far as I knew, everyone snored. Moreover, I always wanted to die in my sleep rather than being kidnapped by terrorists and die in captivity. It turns out that it is not a good thing to fall asleep and not wake up. 42
February 2018
What happened to “If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take”? Today modern science is determined to solve all of our problems. An entire industry has arisen to combat the “epidemic.” Anthony Burgess, an English writer once said, “Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.” Snoring is a unique phenomenon. Have you noticed that you can’t hear yourself snoring unless it gets so loud that it wakes you up? What a gift! You can go to sleep and not even know that you are snoring. But NO, this is not a gift; this is a medical problem which must be cured. On television, on radio, on social media and everywhere else, cures for this problem are advertised. You have heard them: Theravent, ZQuiet, Sleep Pro, Snore Stop,
