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PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS MEOW MEOW JAWSY JAWS

DO’S AND DON’TS

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CAT CHAT

w i th

PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS MEOW MEOW JAWSY JAWS

Dear Pretty Pretty Princess Meow Meow Jawsy Jaws,

P H OTO B Y S A E E D J O N E S

Forget the Ides of March, beware the Side Eye of Caesar Jones

came across an alarming story in a human blog called the New York Post, which insinuated that as a result of the emotional strain of “going back to work” humans were preparing some sort of mass deportation of pets to somewhere called The Shelter.

While my human would collapse in an emotional meltdown at the mere suggestion of a long weekend without me, it is nevertheless disconcerting.

What steps can an average pet take to ease their human’s transitions and preserve their domestic bliss?

Yours, Caesar Jones, Esq.

First, it’s a pleasure to correspond with a fellow sovereign. May your reign be long and your human be ever attentive to your needs and whims alike.

I’m not terribly familiar with the New York Post. An old friend of mine, Horatio Hamsterblower the 14th, used to favor it for his paper nibbles. He died rather unexpectedly, having not yet reached the ripe old age of a week when he collapsed, the apparent victim of a diet lacking substance. I have avoided its empty calories ever since.

Still as the best minds of our generation have now shown, even a blind squirrel can find a nut occasionally, and there is certainly concern within the pet community about the general mental welfare of newly adopted humans.

So first, the facts. There is anecdotal evidence suggesting some humans are finding it impossible to do whatever it is they do when they leave and then come home and properly attend to our desires.

Of course, I personally know two parrots and a miniature goat who can “speak” human, but if I were to tell you these examples proved humans capable of complex thought you’d have me institutionalized.

And rightly so.

And even in specific examples of humans being unable to walk and chew cat nip, they could simply be not very good humans. Though they crave domestication, humans are often incapable of completing even the most basic of tasks required for it to stick. Who’s to say these people wouldn’t have been adopted two years from now, only to fail miserably and abandon their loving pet benefactors?

The bottom line is that until we know more about what’s happening as the bipeds continue to randomly wander around outside and rudely not wait on us whisker and paw, there’s no need to panic.

Of course, only fools and Golden Retrievers go blindly bounding into the unknown with their tongues hanging out.

Humans are notoriously fickle and unruly creatures. Mine, for instance, still hasn’t

figured out that 5 a.m. is now my preferred time to be hand fed slices of honey ham.

Every morning when I stand on his chest and yell at him and he finally wakes from his thunderous slumber, he glares at me like I was a dog (no offense).

So here’s a few quick and easy tips to help humans transition into a post-pandemic domestic bliss.

Pee on stuff: Yes, I know I recommend this in many circumstances, but our research shows humans react swiftly to the smell of urine, preferably on something they like a lot. For instance, if you’re nervous your human is losing control, pee on one of the masks they’ve taken to wearing.

Chew on stuff: this is more for dogs than cats, because they have large dumb jaws and teeth. The theory is the same as peeing — if you sense your human is transitioning too quickly or developing bad habits, let them know! In this case, by gnawing on a shoe, their hand-held moving picture box or one of their masks.

Book a couple spa days every week: If your human is suddenly out of the house a lot, it’s understandable that you’d be a nervous wreck. The idea of navigating the world on two paws is just terrifying in and of itself, and it grinds my nerves whenever I think about him out there, alone and bipedal. What to do? Well, treat yourself!

Get the human to use “Google” to find a well rated spa — they call them daycares or kennels — and rack up the charges on their plastic money card! Self-care is critical to self-love, after all.

Get a concierge: Maybe you don’t like leaving the house alone. It’s weird outside and there’s way too many birds trying to distract you so they can pick your pocket.

I get it. I’m the same. Luckily, there are actual rentable humans who will come over to walk you, pet you, feed you honey ham, pick up your poops. Just make sure you get one with references. Because nobody needs a lazy human who comes over and naps after a little “alone time” without picking up your poops.

— Pretty Pretty Princess Meow Meow Jawsy Jaws.

G A M B I T ’ S PETS • S U M M E R 2 0 2 1

Like a lot of pets, I adopted my human during the recent COVID-19 lockdowns. Having spent some time as a traveling poet in the wilds of northern Ohio, I felt it was time to settle down, and the pandemic lockdowns provided a perfect opportunity to properly domesticate a human.

My human and I bonded quickly, spending days lounging about his apartment side-eyeing and casting judgment upon his furnishings, the moving picture box, passing birds and shirtless men running down the street he pretends not to be eyeing from his desk. He’s an excellent snuggler and took to food-fetching almost immediately. I have, all in all, been quite happy with my decision.

Recently, my human has begun leaving the house without me. Initially, I was alarmed, having never seen such behavior out of my companion. I asked the group chat about this, and it turns out humans have things called “jobs” and “social lives” — both of which sound exhausting — which require them to disappear for extended periods of time. Crazy sounding, I know, but it’s true.

In my research, I recently

My Dearest Caesar,

Pretty Pretty Princess Meow Meow Jawsy Jaws sees your soul.

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OUR cat DOS AND DON’TS FOR TAKING CARE OF COMMUNITY CATS

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Every block in New Orleans has its own set of cats, prowling the street, lounging on porches and occasionally letting the lucky resident give them a scratch behind the ears. Community cats are just a part of the New Orleans environment — really, they’re a part of every urban environment around the world — and neighbors make up their own nicknames and small dramas for the elusive, feral felines.

Community cats are the undomesticated cats that make up their own colonies in our neighborhoods.

They’re at home outdoors, hunting rats and insects, and are usually skittish toward humans, except for the rare few they deem worthy.

Having a controlled population of feral cats is important for the neighborhood. They help keep the ecosystem in check by hunting rodents and pests — Chicago actually recently released 1,000 feral cats onto the streets to help curb a rat explosion. And larger pests, like raccoons and opossums, tend to avoid areas with a cat colony.

But it’s also easy for a neighborhood’s community cat population to get out of hand. A cat can become pregnant as young as four months and potentially reproduce four times a year. Consider the average cat litter is 3-5 kittens and, well, it’s easy to imagine the day when our cat overlords finally do take over. Trap-Neuter-Return programs are critical in helping limit the cat population (more on that below).

According to the Louisiana Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, research has shown simply removing a colony of feral cats from an area doesn’t work. A “vacuum effect” is created, and a new colony of cats will simply set up shop around the still existing food sources.

Community cats are a fact of life in New Orleans, and some cat-lovers might be feeling the urge to take care of them. Maybe you’re new to a neighborhood or have noticed some new free-roaming cats in the area. Whatever the reason, if you want to support the community cats on your block, local experts have some dos and don’ts to keep in mind.

F I L E P H OTO

Look at this pretty pretty kitty

GET A GOOD LOOK AT THAT CAT Take some time to better understand what the cat colony in your area looks like. Is the cat you see feral or could it be a stray? Feral cats tend to be more wary of humans, aren’t as vocal and usually have better kept coats, according to the Metairie Small Animal Hospital.

Strays on the other hand have been socialized and tend to be friendlier and have matted, dirty coats after being alone outdoors for some time.

If the cat looks well-fed, there might already be a “feeder” — someone actively leaving food out for a cat colony — in the area, says Rachel Goyette, programs director at the Jefferson SPCA. Take a walk around the area, she adds, to see if there are empty food bowls on porches.

And look to see if the area’s cats have the tip of their ears missing.

Ear-tipping — removing a small tip of one ear — is done when a feral cat has been neutered or spayed, vaccinated and returned to an area.

“You might need binoculars to see ear-tips, and you can see eartips better from the back of the head than from their front of their head,” Goyette says.

TALK TO YOUR NEIGHBORS Before taking steps to feed a cat colony or trap a cat in order to bring it in to be neutered or spayed, it’s important to talk to neighbors about the community cats, Goyette says. It’s possible someone is already feeding the colony or one of the cats belongs to a specific household. It’s best to get to know

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A feral cat walks across the track after eating at Lafreniere Park in Metairie.

the community cats and your neighbors at the same time to understand who is carrying for the colony.

THE HAND THAT FEEDS So maybe you’ve noticed the community cats on your block are looking a little thin, and you’ve talked to your neighbors and nobody is giving out free lunches. You’ve

EXTRA MILE Here are a handful of other things to keep in mind when caring for community cats: • Goyette suggests talking with neighbors about a flea prevention program for the cat colony.

• A plastic bin on the porch with blankets makes for a warmer night’s sleep when the weather dips below freezing.

• If you notice cat droppings everywhere, install an outdoor litter box — and make your neighbors happy.

• Make sure there aren’t holes in your raised home that cats can access.

• The Louisiana SPCA has an “Adopt A Feral Cat” program with no adoption fee for those wanting to home a porch cat or barn cat on their property.

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Visit crescentcityvet.com to meet our team and learn about our services, from modern medicine, to acupuncture, to bathing, boarding and day care. And follow us on facebook and Instagram (@ccvnola) to see how much fun the vet can be!

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TRAP-NEUTER-RETURN TNR is the biggest thing the Louisiana SPCA recommends to people wanting to care for their community cats, says Rebecca Melanson, a communications coordinator for the organization, which is based in New Orleans.

The Trap-Neuter-Return method is pretty straightforward: Someone humanely traps a cat, brings them to a vet to be spayed or neutered — and receive a rabies vaccine and tell-tale ear-tip — and returns them to their home area. It helps keep the cat colony from overpopulating an area, which could lead to sickness in the colony or hurting the area’s ecosystem.

It is possible for individuals to rent a trap and do it themselves: Humane traps are available to rent with a security deposit from the Louisiana SPCA for Orleans Parish residents, and Jefferson Parish residents can rent from the Jefferson SPCA. Jefferson Feed also has traps available to rent.

And there are services and a network of area feral cat trappers that will trap a cat for you. A trapping request form can be found on the Louisiana SPCA website, and Trap Dat Cat is an all-volunteer group dedicated to helping trap community cats and finding them medical care.

Both the Louisiana and Jefferson SPCAs also offer spay and neuter services for $35 per feral cat in Orleans Parish and for free in Jefferson Parish.

decided to take it upon yourself to do something and you just took the cat in for the ole snip.

There are a few things to keep in mind when becoming a “feeder.”

Don’t leave food out for more than an hour and change out any water once a day, Melanson says. And develop a feeding routine with that cat.

Also, be careful about changing up the kind of food being given, since that could cause diarrhea.

Make sure trash cans or other food sources are closed tightly to prevent rummaging. And cautiously watch how much food is being given — overfeeding can hurt a cat colony.

There also is a caretaker responsibility with being a feeder. Talk with neighbors, understand if a cat is feral, a stray or an outdoor cat belonging to a home, and make sure sick cats receive proper medical care. In New Orleans, the Louisiana SPCA’s Humane Law & Rescue team can help with inured or sick feral cats.

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