Volume 109 Number 1 by Gargoyle Humor Magazine

Table of Contents

Volume CVIII, Number 1 Fall 2017

S TA F F

Jenny Ghose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Recessive Plumper Molly Miller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Merch Bitch Fiona Tien. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Velveeta Colleen Hillard . . . . . . . . Interior Crocodile Alligator Michael Rosenberg . . . . . . . . . . Cod Have Mercy Sarah Hall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Assadavit Marjorie Gaber . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Your Fun Aunt Carol Brianna Kucharski . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Leafy Tweens Ella Horwedel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Spit, Sniffle, Repeat Ben Leigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Engorged Anaconda Jeremy Kruman . . .. . . . . Pretentious Academic Quote Nathan Slaven . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Big Toe Sophie Mirza . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pulsating Gearbox Josiah Rentschler . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Whoooooosh Sarah Neff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ghost in the Machine Max Lee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Shirtless In Seattle Carly Francis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Uneven Hoodie Strings Duncan Reitz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erotic Cappuccino James McClellan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Last Hot Pocket Natasha Pietruschka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lil B Courtney Ignace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Squirrel Exumer Alex Boscolo . . . . . . . . . . . She Doesn’t Even Go Here

Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to

The Gargoyle 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48104

gargmail@umich.edu Visit us at: www.gargmag.com

1. Crap I Forgot 2. This Page 3. That Page 4. Rager 5. The ‘70s 6. Heresay 7. Willy Wallaby 8. Hierarchy of... 9. Dead People 10. U C Them 2? 11. SAD 12. Less Dumpsters 13. More Musical... 14. Mail 15. Philosophy 16. Go Drunk You Are Home

Fall 2017

T N

A L P

A C TI

O R E ted by

h c a u cur nna K Bria

i k s ar

Spring 2017

Michael Rosenberg

Sent - rosenbmi@umich.edu

1:53 PM

Bad HTTPS Certificate To: issues@theonion.com

Hello, I was recently browsing www.theonion.com, in part to escape, if only briefly, my existence consumed almost entirely by two ever-ungrateful adult children, for whom, I would (and sometimes wish I could) give my life, and a manual labor job which I am simultaneously extremely overqualified for and nearly incapable of performing to the requisite capacity. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be unemployed soon, and my newspaper subscriptions will most likely be among the first expenses that I’ll have to cut, no offense at all to your publication. There just aren’t many luxuries left to cut out of the budget. I already subsist on the free coffee we get at work in the mornings, and homemade soup at night. I don’t even have mortgage payments to make, since I started crashing with a very generous friend and former coworker of mine. The one thing I insist on is keeping my Netflix subscription so there’s always something for my youngest (from the most recent marriage) to do when I have him for the weekend. Netflix, college tuition(s), and hospital bills are where nearly all of my paychecks end up going. I actually ended up taking up a second job as a night guard for the hospital. Figured it’d be knocking out two birds with one stone, given how much time I already spend there. Sometimes when there’s enough to scrape together, I’ll bring some orchids to brighten up the room. I don’t want my mom to wake up, if she ever does, to such a sterile, harshly-lit room with not a single modicum of color to counter the ever-present haze of semi-planned death that only a hospital would take pride in. Plus I get to pretend in my head that I’m bringing them for a date with her nurse. She has been looking after my mom since she was admitted a few years back. I like to watch how carefully she lifts mother’s arm to take her vitals and how gingerly she walks in and out of the room, unceasingly punctual, stepping as if to avoid crushing an innocent insect beneath her feet. I’m sure she buys that I’m only watching to make sure my mother is being taken care of, but I’m watching her. In our make-believe date I like to imagine her slyly removing her ring, maybe after briefly distracting me, and I pretend that I never noticed it there. She opens her personal bag, revealing several discarded samples of patients’ urine. She’s been watching me as well, apparently... Anyways, your TLS cert is fucked. It says your domain doesn’t match any of the cert’s Common Names (and there are a TON listed in the cert). Considering I, and hopefully many others, would rather not have their browsing and posting habits be visible to their ISP / the gubment, I highly recommend that you set up HTTPS properly. Let’s Encrypt (https://letsencrypt.org/) offers free certificates, and there’s some pretty good advice on configuration options by SSL Labs (https://github.com/ssllabs/research/wiki/SSL-and-TLS-Deployment-Best-Practices). Also, you should have a Signal number as a tip line like the New York Times has. You never know when you’ll get something important like this. Thanks for reading. Love, Michael

Tragedy Rolls Through Ingalls Written by Sophie Mirza

group of U of M students known to rollerblade around Ann Arbor in the evenings seem to have lost their coordination this past week, resulting in what might come to be known as the most ghastly tragedy in the town’s recent history. A former roller blader, Andy Shaunbaum, has been quoted describing the deaths as “horrific.” “Roller blading had just always been a good way to blow off steam,” Shaunbaum explains. “Between homework, essays, relationships, and all the other stress I handle in my daily life, I loved having the opportunity to take a break with my friends and just... fly through the night.” Two members of Shaunbaum’s friend group, however, have permanently lost their wings. At about 11:30 on Wednesday night, Reese Wilcek, 19, and Anthony Howard, 19, apparently lead the group of three from Hatcher Graduate Library to the North Quadrangle living community. According to Shaunbaum, Wilcek appears to have “hit the curb” on the north side of North University Avenue. The unbalanced youth proceeded to tumble onto his knees, at which point Howard, in close pursuit, ran into the back of Wilcek’s skate with his own. “I think maybe Reese could have made it through the first fall,” says Shaunbaum. He then falls silent.

Illustration by Sarah Hall

Michigan students, Reese Wilcek, 19, and Anthony Howard, 19, are captured suffering after their horrific accident.

ard, whose arms were exposed, took the worst damage. His trajectory landed him hard on his left wrist, causing the bones of his lower arm to break free of his elbow joint and impale him. The elbow of the other ground caught the ground and tore until Howard skidded to a halt a few feet from his friend.

who pursue a life of individuality and personal expression. Adversity has no place on this campus. Adversity is bad, donations are good, please don’t sue us.”

Charles Schoony, a neighborhoodneighbourhood man, was devastated to hear of the It is speculated that Howard’s immense speed tragedy. “Those kids, they kept the city young. at the time of collision sent the two boys headCause of death was determined to be the Was it right to run tiny, possibly abrasive long down the paved walkways of Ingalls Mall. ensuing bleeding. wheels over city and university pavement? Well, The impact tore through who’s to say? What Wilcek’s shirtsleeves at will never be right is “Roller blading had just always been a good the elbows as well as the abrasion of city the knees of his jeans. It and university hearts way to blow off steam,” Andy Shaunbaum seems Howard’s weight, and minds born of temporarily increasing catastrophe.” the frictional force on Wilcek’s form, kept the prone youth in contact with the pavement just Well said, Schoony. Rest in peace, Reese and The university mentioned that they were too long. Tony. not currently involved in any lawsuits regarding the incident, and urged our audience to Wilcek came to a stop after Howard tumbled continue not to sue. “The university views these headlong over his form. This is when Howmisfortunes as the adversity faced by those

Fall 2017

“A Modest Proposal for Creating New Housing in Ann Arbor and for Getting the Homeless off of the Streets”

Written and Illustrated by Nathan Slaven

t breaks my heart every time I walk past a lone figure curled up against a wall, with an un-crumpled cardboard sign and a dirty coffee cup with someone else’s name on it, pleading for money, imposing on the rest of us the painful burden of guilt. There’s truly nothing worse than the way one feels passing these people on the streets. Thankfully, CorpusCorp is here to help. We’re a biomedical corporate conglomerate dedicated to using science to build a better society. CorpusCorp: “People are the Solution.” Our R&D team has assured me that it is quite possible, practical (and even profitable!) to utilize homeless people in the construction of houses. Our scientists are committed to our mission of sustainability and affordability. As such, they continue to push the frontier of scientific thought and ethics codes. (You know what they say: you can’t make an omelette without artificially inseminating a few eggs!) But really, you have every reason to trust in us. After all, you’ve probably already come to depend on some of our most popular products, like Placenta-Infused Power Bars, Baby Teeth Building Blocks, and Foreskin Flakes. But enough of that corporate mumbo-jumbo; let’s just talk eye to cybernetic eye. As a father of two, I can tell you firsthand the importance of having a home that fits you. Though these won’t be the most comfortable, they’ll be far better than a moldy mattress in the woods or a graffiti-covered bench in a bus shelter. Any expert will tell you: the first step to getting back on your feet is having somewhere to store your shoes. The best part of CorpusCorp’s new initiative is that instead of paying a construction crew with hard-earned taxpayer money, we can simply offer the

homeless a chance to win a residence in one of the new houses. Furthermore, building their own homes teaches them valuable life skills like hard work and self-reliance, the very ideals that built this nation and the unfortunate imbalance of wealth they’re already quite familiar with.

American house being 2,000 square feet, and the average adult human being’s surface area coming out at around 18.6 square feet, it would take about 107 people to cover the floor alone. Which is why I now must introduce phase two of my proposal.

You must be wondering: how do we decide which homeless make the houses, and which get to use them? There are many possible options, but my favorite has to be a gladiatorial fight to the death in the Big House. Sure, it’s probably illegal, but our lawyers/lobbyists/ legislators can take care of that faster than you can say “blackmail!”

Phase two is a bit too progressive for some skeptics to understand, I concede. Basically, it involves raising the property tax until a significant portion of the population (I estimate no more than 4-5%) are forced out of their homes. This sounds horrid, but think about all of the good causes that this new revenue could fund. Genetically engineering humans with abnormally dense bones or disturbing amounts of excess, weather-resistant skin, for example. Added bonus: all of these newly vacant homes would be great places for businesses to develop, like CorpusCorp’s new fast food chain, Kentucky Fried Children. I’d like to close with an anecdote from my recent experiences. My late wife, our daughter, and I went to the Arb last summer for a family picnic (and to get away from the regulation-hell formerly known as office life.) My esteemed colleague, Bret, warned me that the more secluded sections of the park were especially prone to vagrants, petty thieves, sexual predators, and the like. As such, I can’t really be blamed for how I reacted when I was tapped on the shoulder and turned to face a scruffy, frail old man with my wallet in his grime-coated grasp. But I understand why campus security reacted the way they did; they were just trying to deescalate the situation. It turns out he was only trying to give it back after I dropped it! Nonetheless, had he been given a place to stay and the chance to keep up a half-bearable appearance, he could have been spared eight months of physical therapy, and I could have been spared a lawsuit. With CorpusCorp’s initiative implemented, everybody wins.

Worried that nobody will want to volunteer? I can tell you firsthand that this isn’t the case. I conducted a few brief but informative interviews with some of the local homeless right here in Ann Arbor. I heard a Korean War veteran say: “What I need more than anything is a stable job.” One woman told me: “I’ve always wanted to be part of a home.” Their dreams are about to come true. I

hear your other objections as well. “How many homeless people are there really in Ann Arbor? It would take an incredible amount to build a house. Did you know that if you put all of the human beings who ever lived in one place, there wouldn’t be enough to fill the Grand Canyon?” Yes, I did know that. And it’s true that, with the average

A Detailed Description of the Process of Homeless-to-House Construction 1. Structure: You’ll want to use the larger bones for the foundation and main frame, and the smaller bones for smaller components like windows and stairs. Skulls make great elbow-joints, as they have a hole in the bottom and a few in the front. Make sure to leave a few actual elbow joints intact as hinges for your doors and window shutters. Also, there may be some training required before the homeless can approach this task, as some skill is required. (It gives bodybuilding a whole new meaning!) 2. Walls: Skin, of course, will have to be used for both the interior and exterior. Make sure to put it on roughside-out. If you’re not too experienced in flaying, remember: cut in, not across. Also, the larger the pieces, the better. Try to do whole limbs at a time, but don’t bite off more than you can chew. (That was a figure of speech. Use a knife.) 3. Insulation: Body fat would be ideal. But, as your materials come from traditionally underfed sources, you may have to settle with intestines and vital organs. Don’t forget: formaldehyde is your best friend. You can never use enough. Seriously. 4. Furnishings: As for hair weaving, all of my Google search results are about the beauty salon kind. And, as a balding man, I can’t expend my dwindling supply experimenting on myself. It shouldn’t be too hard, I’d imagine. (And, just think: the carpet will literally match the drapes!) As for furniture, brains make perfect stuffing for pillows and mattresses. (You’ll be on their mind every night!) Finally, many homeless people are likely to have gotten tattoos or amusingly-shaped blemishes earlier in life. These would make great wall decorations. 5. Utilitiesv: The Matrix tells us that the human body is a pretty good battery. But you can’t afford all that fancy machinery. Solar panels are the future. Speaking of the future, Turbo Kid (2015) shows a machine that turns blood into water. But that was science fiction. And Canadian. Stick with the fan favorite. If it’s good enough for mosquitoes and AIDS, it’s good enough for you. (I mean, who hasn’t wanted to take a literal blood bath, am I right?!) 6. Roof: You’d think old people with shingles would be perfect for this job, but it turns out they’re actually worse. Fingernails and toenails might be gross, but they’ll get the job done. ( Just don’t hammer your thumb!)

Fall 2017

Written by Ella Horwedel Illustrated by Carly Francis As this year’s Halloween weekend and all the parties that come with it are just around the corner, everyone’s been abuzz with sexy costume ideas. However, many find it impossible to have a zesty costume without appropriating a culture, whereas others just have simply unoriginal ideas. Thank God The Gargoyle is here to remedy that issue with this wonderfully comprehensive list of saucy, non-appropriating, and unique Halloween costume ideas, just in time for all of the steamy festivities that this spooky holiday brings! Let’s get started: 1. Pick Rick Super easy to do, just get pickle chips and sensually place them over your nips, then get a fried-out Einstein wig and you’re good to go. 2. Derailed Thomas the Tank Engine A spicy classic, all it takes is a cardboard box and a bottle of canola oil. 3. A Sad Boner This costume will leave everyone wanting more! Fill up a garbage bag with a leaf blower, but apply minimal pressure to the blower to keep the bag only ever half-inflated. So risqué! 4. A Half-Eaten Grilled Cheese Everyone will want to dip you in tomato soup after seeing your semi-softy grilled cheese costume! Just like the gooey cheese, you’ll be too hot to handle. 5. Salami A cheap and easy Halloween costume if you were blessed with salami nips and a super pungent odor. 6. Baby Boss A take on Alec Baldwin’s fabled Boss Baby, just imagine your sexy boy dressed up as an even sexier baby. Perfect for Halloween work parties! 7. A Fisher-Price Doll Everyone has seen sexy firefighters and police officers for Halloween, but what about a Fisher Price firefighter? Turn up the heat and hose me down, officer!

8. An Automatic Soap Dispenser That Doesn’t Dispense Soap until After You Move Your Hand Out From Under It This flirtatious costume is sure to be a crowd pleaser and teaser! 9. Jack Nicholson from The Shining Here comes Johnny? More like, here cums Johnny! Inexpensive and not to mention inviting as all hell. 10. The Dos Equis Guy ‘Nuf said, this guy is a freaking legend.

11. A 90’s Windbreaker You’ll be a wind stopper and a show stopper in this vivacious, vibrant number! 12. Sink Faucet This combination of hot and cold will most definitely just be hot! Just think how jealous everyone will be of your promiscuous costume when they see you fully decked out with leaky faucet handles half-assedly taped over your nips!

13. A Hard-Working Guy Just Trying to Make Ends Meet Imagine the looks of respect and sex-appeal you’ll get from all the people desperately wanting to catch a glimpse of your hard... work ethic! 14. Just a Dash of Salt This clever costume will get all the honeys fawning over you, dying to see just how good you taste! How hot. 15. Aang the Last Airbender Rock that sexy shaved head and put that arrow wherever you deem sexiest!

16. Squirrel About to Undergo Hibernation Nothing screams turn-on like a fat ass squirrel with a bunch of nuts stuffed in its mouth! 17. Someone Who Claims They’re Vegan But Then They’ll Go Eat Eggs Sometimes Drive the crowd crazy with this yummy and ridiculous costume! Super cheap and easy if entitlement comes naturally to you. 18. An Ingrown Pubic Hair There is literally nothing hotter than the sweet, sweet release of a pus-filled sack on the border of your thigh and groin region. Set that baby free with this arousing ensemble! 19. Consent Nothing is as sexy as consent. Remember to be safe this Halloween weekend, but of course, most of all, stay exy my friends.

Fall 2017

Mail

Please direct your junk mail to The Gargoyle

420 Maynard - Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Dear Gargoyle, I’m really fed up with all of these protestors clogging up traffic and newspaper headlines. It turns out there’s a bunch of other people who feel the same way. Is there a way for us to publicly express our dissatisfaction with the current state of society? Also, I’d love to get the police involved, if possible. -Catcher in the Riot -------------------------------------------Dear Gargoyle, I think I’ve been seeing the ghost of my mother. The weird thing is, she’s still alive. What should I do? -Hostess with the Ghostess Dear Ghost. I’m very sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your mother actually is dead. The woman you’ve been thinking was your mother is her identical twin, who murdered your mother and took over her identity after her pieceof-shit husband Andy ran off to Spain with his secretary. This is all speculation, of course. Anyways, if you see the ghost again, tell her that Dana is sorry and that she’d prefer to be spared from any tormenting if possible. -------------------------------------------Dear Gargoyle, I recently wrote to you asking for advice on controlling my pubescent pet polar bear, and you told me to euthanize him. It was a very funny bit, I don’t know why you never published it. Anyways, ever since I put him down, I’ve been having trouble getting it up. I think writing to the Gargoyle gave me erectile dysfunction? If so, should I take legal action? -Vanilla Soft-Served Dear Vanilla, Writing to the Gargoyle does cause erectile dysfunction. Luckily for you, as long as you’re published, you’re not only cured, but should gain an inch or two. This bit wasn’t our best, but we’ll publish it anyways. Consider it a gift from us to you. Oh, and don’t write to us a third time. (Unless you’re bored of always having such a mainstream number of kidneys.) -------------------------------------------Dear Gargoyle, I was paralyzed from the waist down in a baton-twirling accident as a freshman, but

I don’t want people to see me as “the handicapped guy.” But, I also don’t want to be “the guy who overcame his handicap.” How can I distinguish myself from my condition while staying true to the rest of my identity? -In Hell on Wheels Dear Wheels, You know this is a humor magazine, right? We don’t give actual advice. The best we can really offer is to just keep putting one foot in front of the-... shit. You just couldn’t help yourself, could you? We can still publish this, right? It’s not like SSD is going to sue us or send some kids to fuck us up or anything. (That’d be pretty funny to record though, I gotta say.) We are such assholes. -------------------------------------------Dear Gargoyle, “I’m addicted to Febreeze. Help.” -Sniff you want to we can build a snowman Dear Sniff, First off, the name’s a stretch. But since you started it: My personal opinion is that you should be scent to rehab, as Febreeze is a known gateway drug. Who knows what odor concoctions you’ll be into next. It’ll be hard work getting clean. Huffing and puffing all the way. Though I must say your story smells a bit fishy. I hope it’s not a fragrant lie. And, yeah, puns are for eleven-year-olds, but at least I don’t depend on a cleaning supply to find an escape from reality. Just use marijuana like the rest of the civilized world before you overdose on fucking Hawaiian Breeze. -------------------------------------------Dear Gargoyle, “I’m only capable of using eight word sentences. It’s really limiting; I’m a professional karaoke singer.” -A reader who’s in a very dire situation

Dear A.R.W.I.A.V.D.S, It’s really not that hard to use a set number of words in each of your sentences. I chose seventeen because that’s what my first sentence had and, frankly, it’s been pretty much effortless. I feel like it’s one of those things you’d get used to over time, like talking backwards. See, I did it in that last sentence without even counting, although unfortunately I didn’t this time. -------------------------------------------“Dear Gargoyle, I can’t stop breaking the fourth wall. I’m sure most of your readers won’t even find this funny because they know it’s all fake and I (and fourth walls) don’t even exist. Wait, what’s that supposed to mean? And where the fuck are these bricks coming from? Ow!-” -4th Wall? What 4th Wall? Dear Mr. Wall, Postmodernism is a very confusing subject for mainstream media these days. It’s best to keep things simple. Absurdism, non-chronological plotlines, the like. Try to tone it down a bit before everyone reading this gets bored and moves on. Who’s going to find this funny anyways? Especially now that you/we got all meta. Being meta isn’t funny on it’s own; it’s a comedy condiment. Where’s the entree? My humor appetite is wholly unsatiated. Zero stars; would not recommend to a friend. -------------------------------------------“Dear Gargoyle, I have dead-meme Tourette’s. I can’t stop spewing dead memes even though I know how dead they are: as dead as Harambe.” -Can I Has Advice? Dear Advice, I’m not an expert in Tourette’s, so the way I see it you have only two options. 1. Have your tongue surgically removed, or 2. Buy a time machine on eBay and travel back to 30 A.D. to see if you can get cured by our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Since time machines are way out of your price range, I hope you still have health care.

Philosophy by Jenny Ghose, Editor-in-chief

elcome, dear readers, to a new year of the same shit. With it, I hope that we bring you plenty of laughs at the expense of never being able to list this as work experience on our résumés. Seriously. Gargoyle is on the very last line of mine, and that’s only because I’m hoping recruiters subconsciously associate Editor-inChief of a magazine as a sign of being able to file papers post-graduation. I live in fear of the day an interviewer asks me to send them a copy of a recent issue, because the most sanitary one I can find has titty crow in it. The “Philosophy” section is an inconsistent staple of our first issue of the year, where new readers will pause to glance thoughtfully at the Editor-in-Chief ’s name and the bearded man vomiting next to it before they turn the page. Our most loyal readers probably skip over this section entirely, tossing the issue in the recycling bin without a second thought. At least they’re recycling, right? Every little bit helps the polar bears. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the Gargoyle. Sometimes I think about how a single nude porn photo has been sitting behind the flag in our office for years, and that I only

Fall 2017

just discovered it last week. Other times, I think about how we got started and how we ended up where we are today. I think our founder, Lee A. White, summed it up nicely: “The Gargoyle may be low, but it’s legitimate.” It’s that sense of legitimacy that drew me to this forsaken publication. A Whores 2 movie poster hangs in our office, and we’ve been kicked off campus a couple times for dumb shit that went a little too far in some people’s minds. We’re at the level of popularity where acquaintances assure me that they’ve heard of the Gargoyle before while picturing the Every Three Weekly in their minds. So I hope that you, too, dear readers, will recognize the legitimacy that I believe distinguishes us so well.

Now that I’ve gotten some customary nostalgic reflections out of the way, I’d like to take a moment to talk about how much I hate the diag squirrels because I can, goddammit. I think they’re leeches on our society. Have you ever seen them up close? Like really seen them? They’re oversized rodents with a furry coat that conceals them from being shamed by people for being the fat fucking rats that they are. I bet the squirrel feeding club wouldn’t be so enthusiastic if they saw what they looked like without their fur. And if not for the students and the random old person ambling through, they wouldn’t be able to survive. If they were on LOST, diag squirrels would either be completely wiped out in a week or become cannibals because they’re so used to handouts from bleeding heart liberals. Fuck ‘em.