Table of Discontents 1. Lion King Sports Joke 2. This Page 3. Avada Klandavra Volume CV, Number 1
Winter 2013
Ross Warman . . . . . December Porch-O-Lantern Nico Pigg . . . . . . Disembodied Gorilla Hands
4. ‘Scope It Out 5. Horo-ble Advice 6. Waffle-Stomp Romp 7. Cagey Toots
Phil Wachowiak . . . . . . Rap Game Jody Foster
8. Isms For All
Ben Schlanger . . . . . . . . Runaway Milk Truck
9. Needs More Skywriting
Neal Jackson . . . . . . *Sharp Intake of Breath* Nigel Beaton . . . . . . . Asymetrical CIA Mole
Alex Boscolo . . . . . . . . Swift-Footed Boscolo Courteney Carroll . . . . . Jiro’s Sushi Sex-Dream Gilian Golden . . . . . . . . . Catching Them All
Francisco Guzman . . . . . . . . . Wrecked Ball Jake Hendricks . . . . . . . . .
Smoked Sea Bass
Nikki Horowitz . . . Bamboo Splinter in a Panda Paw
Andrew Keating . . . . . . . . . The Keating Edge Jeremy Kruman. . . . . . Family Relations Expert Meredith Lancaster . . . Thane of Lancasterly Rock J.J. Lundy . . . . . . . . . . World’s Best Dad
Allen McClelland . . . . . . . . . . . Oversharer
Michael McCrindle . . . . . . . . . . . McSessiah Steve Nagle . . . . . . . Forgot About This Issue Caleb Nusbaum . . . . . . . . . . Amateur Curler Charlie Olken
. . . . . . . . John Goodman Body Double
Chris Seeman . . . . . . . . . . Word Art Picasso
Edith Zhang . . . . . Ten Crack Commandments Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to
The Gargoyle 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48104
gargmail@umich.edu Visit us at: www.gargmag.com
Copyright © Gargoyle Humor Magazine 2013
10. Yolosemite 11. BATshit Crazy 12.
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13. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 14. Not Another Horse Joke 15. Best. Day. Ever. 16. Medieval Regents 17. Call Me ;) 18. SKREEONK 19. Go Ask Al 20. Let’s Get Leggy 21. Skatsby & Taint 22. Backpacks Gotta Eat 23. Wizard Poops 24. Good Advice
窶郎er A
, d r a z i W d Gran
tion Kurios Kollecti n la K x lu K u From the K
Harry!
AQUARIUS You are a water sign. Own it. For this whole week make sure everyone else knows it. Your word of the week is moist, so make sure to use it as frequently as possible.
TAURUS You’re on your own this month. Check back in four weeks.
GEMINI
ARIES
SAGGITARIUS
VIRGO
You will go on to do something ridiculous. Not necessarily something important or interesting, just ridiculous. Like inventing a new shape of pizza or ordering anything from QVC. And no one will care. Not even Grandma.
Good things happen to those who wait. Be quick in your general pursuits. Those who you wish to see will be seen but they will probably be drunk and rude and not interested in a relationship. The moon will also probably be pretty important.
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Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
You’re the boring one.
SCORPIO To see this horoscope and more like it, login with your facebook account!
PISCES
Try adding a dash of lemon juice in rich stocks or soups for a zesty burst of flavor!
LEO
CANCER
LIBRA
CAPRICORN
Be brave Leo. Your man knows you’re a bold independent woman, so don’t be afraid to tell him what you want, even if it’s to sleep with that hot guy in your comp lit class. If your man says no, he’s not respecting your personal freedom. Break up with him.
Libra’s are known for being balanced. This has been missing from your life recently.
Now is that time to purchase the bust of Beyonce you’ve always dreamed of. Get you ass down to the flea market and barter the Hawaiian vendor down to whatever you’ve got in your pockets.
DEATH TO AMERIKKKA. Wake up, sheeple! Jimmy Fallon is CIA false flag operation.
It’s probably an inner ear problem. Go see a doctor about it.
Winter 2012
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An Open Letter to Students I’m sick of your shit
BY ANDREW KEATING
The University of Michigan
FROM THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT MARY SUE COLEMAN 2704 Fletcher Administration Building 503 Thompson Street Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1340
Hello Students, I hope you’re having a great academic year so far. The University of Michigan prides itself on its quality students, and it is important to ensure that these students are healthy in body and mind so they can be their best, in and out of the classroom. Hygiene is an important part of health, and the housing department has notified me that some students are not practicing proper hygiene in the showers. Specifically, I have received many complaints from the janitorial staff regarding something called “waffle stomping.” For those unfamiliar, waffle stomping is the practice of defecating in a shower and proceeding to trample it down the drain until most of it is forced down, creating a waffle-like impression on the metal grating. This practice contributes negatively to our learning environment, and it needs to stop. I’ll be honest, we’ve been pretty lenient with the showers. When was the last time I bugged you after you took your morning piss and shower simultaneously? Never, that’s when. Have I ever complained about how you use the shower as an alternative to wiping your ass, like it’s some kind of poor man’s bidet? No. Hell, I even look the other way every year when I get a $1500 bill because the plumber had to clean 183 gallons of jizm out of the pipes at Markley. But waffle stomping? Really? What kind of fucking sociopath does that? Now, I’m not gonna act like I haven’t dropped a few shower deuces in my time. I’m no princess, and I understand that nature calls anytime she pleases after a night of partying. But those were occasional wet, runny poops. Y’all are basically laying brick full-time in there. It’s been 24/7, non-stop, no-holds-barred Waffle Stomp Central the entire fall semster, and it’s about time I put my foot down (no pun intended). If you are caught waffle stomping, you will face the following consequences: • • • •
First offense: a firm talking-to Second offense: must attend dreadful open-mic night at local cofee shop Third offense: must participate in at least 3 of the stupid multicultural events your RA keeps mass-emailing you about Fourth offense: I waffle stomp your face.
Sincerely,
Mary Sue Coleman President, University of Michigan
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Winter 2012
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8
A Chance Encounter
BY NICO PIGG Clarence Grier tossed his paper towel onto the already overflowing waste receptacle in the first floor men’s restroom of the Undergraduate Library and walked towards the door, which swung open, narrowly missing his face. Standing in the threshold was senior Joseph Torry, a stranger to Clarence. Both men hesitated for a brief moment before each attempted to go his own way, colliding solidly with one another. Suddenly Clarence found himself in the middle of his first cello solo, an instrument he had never laid hands on, in Joseph Torry’s middle school auditorium. Joseph felt a hot rush of blood to his cheeks as a girl that he somehow recognized as Clarence’s high school girlfriend kissed him for the first time and smiled. Then Clarence was vomiting up an entire jar of maraschino cherries on an elementary school jungle gym to the sound of Joseph’s childhood friends’ laughter. Joseph was an infant, watching the first of so many clown murders in the Torry family’s first home. Clarence stood in a darkened hotel room circa 1990, watching as Joseph’s father ejaculated unexpectedly at the feet of a masked woman while seven hooded figures played soft kazoo music in the corner. Dust flew up around Joseph and Clarence, who watched together as a fiery ball engulfed the Mesozoic sky. The smoke cleared to reveal a single reptilian seeming creature waddle out from the sea onto an empty landscape. The men stared into the wet black of the creature’s eyes and found themselves in an inky void as the universe whorled out around them. Then nothing.
“Whoops! Sorry!” “Oh, my bad bro!”
They laughed awkwardly. Clarence and Joseph went their separate ways, never to meet again, each unaware of the revocable change within themselves. But not in a gay way.
ir-
Meet Dave Brandon BY JEREMY KRUMAN AND THE GARGOYLE SPORTS STAFF
David Brandon’s spending cuts are affecting everyone. This reporter, for one, feels that he should be able to use the bathrooms at the Big House without being recorded and having Dave sell the footage for profit. But why does he need all of this extra money? Isn’t Brandon what the Ancient Romans called “rich as fuck?” New information has recently surfaced, revealing that he is, in fact, even a little richer than that, but still needs some extra cash to fund his unique lifestyle. According to a recent article in Boys Life magazine, Brandon is not only the leader of an underground Furry boxing ring, but also an avid collector of My Little Pony erotica, owning rare and expensive volumes such as “Pinky Pie Loves it Dry,” “Frendship with Benefits is Magic,” and “Ride me Like a Stallion.” As of this morning, our investigators have uncovered a drawer containing animal costumes, and a 24-liter jar of Vaseline, both of which allegedly belong to Brandon. They plan to continue their investigation in search of more information. Some Cost Saving Measures to be Implemented by Dave Brandon: * The team bus will be powered by Brady Hoke’s feet. * All fans must turn 90 degrees from the field, allowing greater seating capacity. * The Marching Band will be replaced with a broken first gen ipod found by Dave Brandon on the street. * Introduce The ”Catch A Turnover From Devin Gardner” Fundraiser. * The Big House will be used as a porn set for people who really like the phrase “Tossing the Pigskin” * The Dance Team will no longer have uniforms, saving money and increasing attendance. * Team is encouraged to use smaller bill denominations when making it rain. * The basketball team will consist entirely of Air Buds. * Replace hockey goalies with those cardboard cutouts of goalies. * Night games will be played without lights, night vision goggles come with premium ticket purchase. * Helmets will be replacedwith bubble wrapped ski masks. * There will be weekly skywriting announcements to notify students about cost cutting measures.
Winter 2012
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Fun-Intended Consequences Following the government shutdown, The Gargoyle staff found the burnt ashes of this memo in the remains of what was once Yosemite National Park Hello, all you HappyHappyFunTime Yosemite National Park Children’s Program Rangers! I hope you’re having a great little ‘vacation’! It sure is nice to get some unpaid time off from work, huh? Ha ha ha! I hope everyone is doing something fun- the missus and I went for a nice walk through our neighborhood today! And you know, I heard Jimmy say he hasn’t been sober since the government shut down! That Jimmy! What a character! Seriously though, folks, there’s no need to get down in the dumps about the shutdown. Whenever you feel a frown coming on, just turn it right on upside down! There. Don’t you feel a ton better??? I sure know I do! Now, this is just a quick reminder e-mail with some dandy little facts about what will be going on at the park while we remain closed! • Since no one is there to check up on the wildlife, I’m told that poachers have encroached on protected territory searching for skins to sell, and Sparkles, our favorite cub, unfortunately died a grisly death. Now, I know Sparkles was the center of our “Nature is fun!” program for ages 4-6, but look at it this way: this is the perfect opportunity to teach kids about death and the inevitable futility of life in the untamed wilderness! I’m sure they’ll think it’s super neat when you show them the pictures of Sparkles’s stripped, mangled corpse. • Our annual controlled blaze has developed into a massive forest fire threating to take out acres upon acres of millennium-old flora that can be found literally nowhere else in North America. But hey, there’ll be a lot fewer plants to take care of when we get back! Now maybe Jimmy will stop complaining! ( Just funning with ya, Jimmy! Seriously though. Will you ever shut up?) • Crazy Bob, the friendly neighborhood hermit, appears to have moved into park territory in order to start a turf war with a rival gang of local homeless people. So when we are allowed back into our beloved refuge, I encourage everyone to watch out for the booby traps they’ve surely set and to avoid wearing red bandanas or making any ‘gang signs’ at the risk of angering them. • The parts of our park that aren’t ravaged by vicious animals, fires, or hobos have become the hot new “hook up” location for local teens. Isn’t that sweet? Young love!! I just hope no one tells them that the secretions produced during sexual intercourse are likely to attract bears! Ha ha ha! Well, this has been super neat, and I hope you all had as much fun reading this e-mail as I did writing it! Have an absolutely fantastic break, and I can’t wait to see you all back to take care of the damage to the park as soon as Congress gets its damn act together! Wishing you smiles and rainbows, Head Ranger Smith
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Beta Alpha Tau Event Calendar BY J.J. LUNDY
Saturday, August 31
::BETA ALPHA TAU’s 8TH ANNUAL WELCOME WEEK FOAM PARTY:: CUM GET WET AND WILD WITH xX DJ SLIzzMEISTER Xx AND THE BOYS OF THE B.A.T. FRAT (5$ CUPS)
Friday, September 13th
::BETA ALPHA TAU’s 3rd ANNUAL INTERSTELLAR HIGHLIGHTER PARTY/RUSH EXTRAVAGANZA:: \/\/\/\/ GET READY TO DANCE, GO CRAZY, AND PONDER THE ENORMITY OF OUR VAST AND UNCARING UNIVERSE\/\/\/\/ PLEASE VISIT THE RUSH TABLE IF THE IDEA OF BEING SURROUNDED BY LIKE-MINDED MEN OF YOUR AGE SOUNDS LIKE A WELCOME DISTRACTION FROM THE CERTAINTY OF DEATH. (5$ CUPS)
Saturday, October 26, 2013
::BETA ALPHA TAU’s 30th ANNUAL HALLOWEEN PARTY:: !!!GET READY TO BE SPOOKED!!! $100 PRIZE FOR THE BEST COSTUME AND A $50 PRIZE TO ANYONE WHO CAN ACCURATELY EXPLAIN HOW CONSUMERISM HAS DONE ANYTHING FOR OUR SOCIETY BESIDES PRODUCING GENERATION AFTER GENERATION OF GREEDY, MINDLESS DRONES. THIS PARTY WILL BE SCARIER THAN THE REALIZATION THAT LIFE HAS NO SPIRITUAL INTERVENTION AND THE AFTERLIFE IS COMPARABLE TO AN INFINITE DREAMLESS SLEEP (5$ Cups)
Friday, November 15th, 2013
::BETA ALPHA TAU’s 1st ANNUAL BLANK-STARINGOUT-OF-A-WINDOW PARTY:: WELL FOLKS…ahem…well folks, some may blame the lack of sunlight or the change of seasons or even stress, but some days the pointlessness of putting one foot in front of the other can be paralyzing. Please join us as we lifelessly stare out of windows and try to comprehend our own collective being. xX DJ SLIzzMEISTER Xx has agreed to play some select cuts from Elliot Smith and Radiohead. (5$ cups to drink from/fill with your tears)
Saturday, December 6th, 2013
::beta alpha tau’s nth “party” ever:: “EVERY EXISTING THING IS BORN WITHOUT REASON, PROLONGS ITSELF OUT OF WEAKNESS, AND DIES BY CHANCE”–Jean Paul Sartre ~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~ “WE ARE ALL IN THE GUTTER, BUT SOME OF US ARE LOOKING AT THE STARS” –Oscar Wilde ~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~ “WHEN YOU LOOK INTO AN ABYSS, THE ABYSS ALSO LOOKS INTO YOU” –Friedrich Nietzsche (5$ Cups, beats by xX DJ SLIzzMEISTER Xx)
Winter 2012
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PRIVILEGE CHECK Do you have too much privilege and not enough time? Having trouble finding the energy to check all that privilege. Well now there’s hope! The Gargoyle is proud to present PRIVILEGE CHECK 2013©. A new program available for Windows, Mac, iOS 7, Android, and most toaster ovens! PRIVILEGE CHECK 2013© provides users with a sleek modern interface to more effciently check their privileges. Just scan a recent photo and bank statement, provide a blood and stool sample at one of fifteen convenient offices, and answer a forty page questionnaire about yourself and your sexual history. In no time at all, PRIVILEGE CHECK 2013© will provide with a fully documented list of your privileges and check them all for you. Carry the print out with you and shove it in the face of any self-righteous Women’s Studies majors, Tumblr users, or otherwise obnoxious persons!
PRIVILEGE CHECK 2013 © WILL CHECK YOUR � White Privilege � Male Privilege � Cis Privilege � Privilege Privilege � Tall Privilege � Short Privilege � Average Height Privilege � VANS Privilege � Toni Morrison Privilege � Ability to Enjoy the Works of Van Morrison Privilege � Hot Priviledge � Cold Privilege � Just Right Privilege � Goldilocks Privilege � Having A Definitive Chipotle Order Privilege � Fourth Meal Privilege � Exact Change Privilege � Liver Privilege � Sexy Accent Privilege � Not Studying Humanities Privilege 12
� Straight Privilege � Gay Privilege (Only Applies If Dating Anderson Cooper) � Wingdings Privilege � Half An Hour of TV Before Bedtime, Only If You’ve Done Your Homework Privilege � Easily Offended Privilege � Recognizing This Is a Joke Privilege � Symmetrical Boobs Privilege � Asymmetrical Balls Privilege � Whistling Privilege � Correctly Using “Who” and “Whom” Privilege � Handsome Privilege � American Privilege � Right Handed Privilege � Older Siblings Privilege � Good At Math Privilege � Jewish Privilege � Looks Jewish Privilege � Privilege Checking Privilege � AND MORE!