Volume 106 Number 4 by Gargoyle Humor Magazine

Table of Contents 1. Thank You Ma & Pa 2. This Page

3. That Page Volume CVI, Number 4 Spring 2015

S TA F F

Nico Pigg . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Dark Blight Daphine Zhao . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . French Prince

Andrew Keating . . . . . . . . . . . . . Need For Tweed

Phil Wachowiak . . . . . . . . . . . . Super-Sophomore

Neal Jackson . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Grill Next Door Christina Bennett . . . . . . . Part Of A Balanced Breakfast

Alex Boscolo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Beauty And The Feast

Courtney Carroll . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pyropractor E.A. Chavis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Last And Furious Luke Collard . . . . . . . Oakland Raider of the Lost Ark Mike Flynn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Bae

Sydney Glide . . . . . . . . . Larry The Clark Gable Guy Alexander Hoffman . . . . . . . . . . . HassleHoffman

Ellen James . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yogurt Instructor Jeremy Kruman . . . . . . . . . . . . Death Star of David Ben Leigh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Loko

James Mackin . . . . . . . . . Genie in Full Throttle

Caleb Nusbaum . . . . . . . . . . . . . 999 Island Dressing Dustin Park . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Field of Creams

Akash Ramanujam . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TB Dinner Chris Seeman . . . . . . . . . . . . Super Rash Brother

Max Shooster . . . . . . . . . . . . The Flask of Zoro Justine Wood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . First Crusade

Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to

The Gargoyle 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48104

gargmail@umich.edu Visit us at: www.gargmag.com

4. We Didn’t Want To 5. Greetings From Scenic 6. Are You Smart Enough?

7. Engineers Need Not Apply 8. HAVE THE DAMN LISTS

9. Recommended By Ghosts Everywhere 10. The ‘H” Is For Hooker

11. The Leaders And The Best 12. Trigger Warning 13. Eh, This One’s Fine 14. Join Us

15. Freedom At Last 16. I Don’t Get It

Spring 2015

THIS DEAD DOG BROUGHT TO YOU BY

GIL BORMAN CLASS OF ‘81 (seriously, gargoyle alumni ad paid for by gil borman)

Balls Deep

Spring 2015

“

STORY BY CALEB NUSBAUM // ART BY JUSTINE WOOD

s N A ew” d l O

By Jam 6

kin c a M es

THE GARGOYLE WRITER’S WORKSHOP PRESENTS

The Great American Novel

A GUIDE BY ANDREW KEATI

or those graduating with a degree in the humanities, you may be wondering: what the hell do I do with this degree? Those of you with higher grades may find successful careers in Law, Marketing, or anything that allows you to avoid math, like you have done so far. For those of you with lower grades, well… okay you’re pretty fucked. But fear not! There’s still a chance you might succeed. All you really need to do is write the next great American novel! While the task may sound daunting at first, just remember that if J.D. Salinger could do it, pretty much anyone can. With our (un)tested, (un)proven technique, you’ll be writing the next Great American Novel in no time! Let’s get started: Give The Book A Name That Sounds Smart Ideally, this should be two to five words, and give no indication of what the story is actually about. This is why The Old Man and the Sea is on the second tier of Great American Novels. The book is literally about an old man and the ocean, a foolish move by hack author Ernest Hemingway . You’re looking for a title like Abigail’s Road or Sang the Buzzards Merrily. If either those books are about somebody named Abigail or anything related to birds of prey, you fucked up. Set The Story In The Somewhat Recent Past This can be anywhere between 5 and 50 years ago. Far enough removed that there is a general consensus on what American society was doing wrong, so your commentary can seem insightful yet uncontroversial. You can always write a great american novel set in the current day, but that might require more insight and perspective (read: work) than you’re ready to put in at the moment. Character Should Become Disillusioned with Some Element Of Society Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye is a perfect example, since disillusionment is pretty much Holden’s only character trait. If, as previously suggested, your story takes place in the near past there’s plenty of stuff for your lead character to be vaguely angry about: the Great Recession, the War on Terror, the post-9/11 world, or even just reality television. Make it topical, but not too topical; you don’t want to be too on-the-nose about it. If you insist on writing about present day, have the character feel empty about social media or something. Actually, just do that. People who read books about the internet will eat that shit up Heavy-Handed Symbolism One of the reasons the Great Gatsby is still read in English classes today is its rich symbolism, much of which is accomplished through colors. While many novels contain symbolism, Gatsby is notable in the blatant nature of the symbolism, using colors to represent feelings that the colors usually represent anyway. Since colors are already taken, use something else for symbology. Maybe your character wears tight-fitting khaki pants to represent the shrinking of the middle class, or maybe he drives a Honda Civic to represent hopelessness. Useless Details If symbolism is too far over your head, let the literary scholars come up with it for you! Just write tons of banal, unnecessary details and see what they find. In other words, just write as much shit as you can, and let them sift through it for bits of corn or marbles. If readers some to different conclusions about the significance of, say, the character’s recurring dreams about making love to a woman in Petoskey, tell them it’s open to interpretation. Then you’ll sound like a real genius. Unreliable Narrator Have gaping plot holes or obvious inconsistencies in character traits between chapters? Not a problem! Just make it apparent that your narrator is unreliable. Therefore, anything incoherent about your narrative seems like it was meant to be there! With an unreliable narrator, you don’t even need to proofread your own book. Just write 100 pages, wrap it up with a vague, unsatisfying ending, and send it off to Simon & Schuster. Huff A Lot Of Paint

Just read Finnegan’s Wake and tell me you can’t do that.

Spring 2015

News

Buzz

Life

Quizzes

Videos

9 Things to Do with Your Dead Roommate’s Sleep Apnea Machine Sydney Alexa Glide BuzzFeed Staff

In the words of Hamlet, your roommate died and is sleeping no more, and that CPAP machine that made her not suffocate in her sleep no longer has any use. Or does it? These simple hacks are sure to take your breath away! 1. You’ll have the need for a costume as the film society has their annual beach volleyball tournament and Top Gun screening. You’ll totally have a legit costume as a fighter pilot. 2. Is intramural fencing equipment too expensive? Cut costs by using your sleep apnea supporter as an athletic supporter. You’ll breathe easy, with the safety and comfort of the CPAP cup. 3. You’ll be the hit of every party on campus when you use that sleep apnea machine as a voice modulator. Sing into the mask and you’ll sound like your favorite autotuned artists in no time! 4. In your school’s stage adaptation of David Lynch’s classic Blue Velvet you’ll win the part of Frank Booth as you breathe into the sleep apnea mask during your audition. The director will think you are the second coming of Dennis Hopper! 5. Masquerade parties happen all too frequently and your mask has to stand out if you want that special someone to remember you. By simply adding some glitter or painting on flames, you’ll have the most unique mask at the party, while saving all that money you would have spent on a mask. 6. When your pet hamster starts to get bored in his cage, add a playful tube without the long lines of a pet store! Add a hole to his cage, and insert the breathing tube. It’s as easy as that! 7. Though the free tuition you’re receiving due to your roommate’s death is nice, be sure to return the favor by bringing your roommate back to life via a séance. In certain traditions, the ritual of, Teu Rasialis, loosely translated as “garment worn on the face to bring the dead back to our realm”, is a key element of the traditional séance. The CPAP mask is a perfect substitution for the Teu Rasialis, and saves you the hassle of geologic excavation. Wear the mask, throw a pair of your roommates underwear in a boiling pot of olives, say their name three times and the seance will be a success. 8. So now your roommate is alive but is angry that you used the sleep apnea without asking them. Destroy the ghost of your roommate by reversing the airflow function to a sucking function. Aim it at the ghost, and your roommate’s evil spirit will be contained. 9. It is important to remember that absorbing your roommate’s ghost does not mean he or she is dead. Because your roommate breathes into this machine each night, parts of your roommate’s soul have already been preserved inside of it. This is the final horcrux of your roommate. Destroy the first six horcruxes (toothbrush, anal bead, a radish, Bridget Jones on Blu Ray, Bob Marley poster and basketball shorts ), and finish by destroying the sleep apnea machine. Your roommate’s spirit should disappear into the wind like the Sandman in Spiderman 3.

* Dr. Jack Kevorkian, M.D. yelp

find

death

near Ann Arbor, MI

Home Write a Review Find Friends Messages Events

130 reviews Recommended reviews by E.A. Chavis:

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ted1834

Poor customer service in general... I met with him once before the procedure to talk it over and he resolutely denied the need for any post-operation care. I don’t get it at all. Everybody told me, “Ted, you need to say a urologist; not doctor Kevorkian.” But since he was the only famous doctor I knew I assumed everyone was wrong. Anyway, it turns out everyone was right... He treated me like I was an idiot just because I was concerned about possible post-procedure complications. Is “how can I contact you after the procedure?” really such a dumb question? I don’t think so. Maybe Doctor Kevorkian would be even more famous if he could manage to keep in touch with his patients after treating them!

oldpal4 Wow, didn’t know I’d be able to find old friends on here! I grew up with Jack. I guess even as kids we all should have known how he’d get famous; after all, he took such a professional approach to tracking and killing squirrels. What a hunter, what a killer, what a guy... Looking back, maybe we all should have picked on him a little less, it seems to have soured him on the whole human race, but aside from that, it’s great to see somebody from the old neighborhood made it big. Also I’m in near constant pain since the last failed surgery, does anybody know how to get in touch with old Jack? Just to catch up, you know, for old times’ sake.

xx_angrycustomer Considering his advertising and previous work,I did not expect nearly so much dedication to the phrase “first do no harm” from this quack. 0/10, and if I could give him a worse review I would. Despite the fact that I’m still alive I can’t give this so-called “doctor” the -10/10 that he richly deserves. He wouldn’t even give me a discount after the procedure didn’t work. I mean come on. What’s the deal with this guy anyway?

conc3rnedm0th3r I knew Jack Kevorkian was the right doctor for my child as soon as I found out that he didn’t hold his meetings with patients in a hospital or in a doctor’s office. It’s his kind of commitment to traditional practices like making house calls that I miss from when I was a kid myself. Hospitals are breading grounds for the next generation of super-viruses that will destroy 65-73% of America’s youths before they are able to reach adulthood. I commend this champion of liberty. He’s one of the most dedicated men I know.

nico_pigg I made $600 dollars this week working from home!!! Now you can too!!! Just visit this site: www.gargmag.com !!! Do it today and start making the big bucks!!!

1ghostluver55 I don’t know what the other people on here are so upset about. I’ve been 80-90% dead since the procedure. I feel great, deader than I’ve been in years. It’s gratifying to find such a great medical professional these days. Most of the court-mandated psychiatrists I talk to keep trying to give me some line about “still being alive” or try to tell me that “being 90% dead isn’t possible.” If they’d just accept that I understand my body better than they can, then maybe they’d be able to be helpful.

Spring 2015

Introducing Mary Magdalene As . . .

REPENTED WOMAN

She walked off the street, and into his heart. BY SYDNEY GLIDE

Jesus walked the desert from town to town. He was on a mission from God. One evening, while weary, Jesus looked for a place to rest. He came across a woman standing near a street corner. He could tell by the way her linens were draped about her body that she was of the newest profession, of ill repute. Her name was Mary Magdalene. He asked her if there was a place nearby where he could stay. She invited him to the room in her inn. “How about some wine?” Jesus suggested. “But all I have is water,” Mary replied. Jesus grasped the cup of water and lo did the clear liquid transform into a crimson hue before their eyes. Mary gasped with shock; she realized that he was truly Jesus of Nazareth. “If you truly are Jesus, son of God, why are you speaking to someone like me?” Mary questioned. “I’m kind of a ‘people person’. Also the apostles are a total sausage fest, and I don’t eat pork. So if you would like to join me on the road, I wouldn’t mind having you. Besides when I’m with you I feel confident for some reason”, Jesus confessed. “You should always feel confident you can make miracles happen. Why do you doubt yourself ?” “If you’ve seen the amount of lepers that I have seen, you would know why I doubt myself. Knowing that so many people are suffering makes me terribly sad. Knowing that I am the only one that can help them makes it hard to sleep at night”. “I know you’re special because you didn’t judge me when we met. That should count for something,” Mary suggested. “I have a feeling that we are going to be friends, very good friends,” Jesus smiled.

Jesus wanted to thank Mary in a special way. She was more than a disciple to him. He worked up the courage to ask her to the last supper. She couldn’t resist and the mention of wine tasting, hors d’oeuvres, and mani/pedis and to see the bright lamps of Jerusalem. He presented her with a small box. He opened it and revealed a small piece of bread. “Take, eat; this is my body,” Jesus instructed her. When Mary went to reach for it, he quickly closed the box on her causing her to let out a roaring laugh. Jesus, only begotten son of the father, was known to be a prankster. He presented it to her again. She ate it and told him she did this in remembrance of him. He was thirty three. Tomorrow was promised to neither of them. This was her way of expressing thanks for his generous gift. That evening Pontius Pilate sentenced Jesus to crucifixion. The disciples joined with heavy hearts to bid goodbye to their dearest friend. Mary wept and told the guards who were there that Jesus wasn’t a heretic and that they made a huge mistake. The guards did not seem to care about the crucifixion. They only cared that they were getting double overtime for working Easter weekend.

…

A week later, Mary returned to the burial site to notice an empty tomb. She was sick of grave robbers ruining their nice neighborhood. Then she heard someone whisper “Mary” and she began to look around the room. The voice repeated. It sounded like it was coming from above. Mary looked up. “CASPER?” Mary exclaimed. She did not recognize that it was Jesus. He had risen! “It is me, Mary. Your best pal, Jesus. I’ve risen and I’ll always be in your heart.”

And lo, Jesus was right. They became friends, very good Mary was filled with delight. She ran out to inform the friends. Mary followed him on his journey, giving him the apostles that Jesus had risen! She looked at the guards. support he needed to bring Lazarus from the dead and cleanse ten more lepers. When Jesus restored vision to the “Remember me from last week?” Mary questioned. “You blind man, even he could see that this was the greatest wouldn’t listen to me. You’ve made a big mistake. Huge! I getting to know you buddy montage that the world had ever have some apostles to attend to.” seen.

Laura Blake Jones, Ph.D Dean of Students

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN OFFICE OF

UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSIONS 515 East Jefferson Street, Ann Arbor, MI 48109

Mr. Henry Schlosky 424 W. Arbutus St. Johnstown PA, 15906

February 14, 2015

Dear Mr. Schlosky, The Admissions Committee has carefully reviewed your application to the College of Literature Science and the Arts. After much consideration we regret to inform you tha…wait, sorry, I write these things out of habit. I’m going to level with you Schloloski, there was not a lot of consideration happening with your application at any point. There was some careful review, but more in the spirit of sick fascination than anything else. Your whole application was what we in the admissions community professionally refer to as “lukewarm dog shit.” I suppose you should commend yourself for having such an aggressively terrible application as to merit my personal response, but Christ man what were you thinking? I’m not sure where you thought you were headed with that 3.3 and a 25 on the ACT but it sure as shit wasn’t Ann Arbor Michigan. Let me make something clear to you Schlopslopsky. I’ll even go real slow so I don’t confuse you: John F. Kennedy-- he was the president of the United States a very long time ago-- once called this university the “Harvard of Midwest.” That means that it’s my job to keep shitheads like you out of these hallowed halls of learning. I understand why you might think that being the treasurer of your Spanish club and a 4 on your AP world history exam might have made you think you had a shot here, but I think that you should understand that I consider your application a personal insult to myself, and every single admissions officer who looked at that application would like to extend a hearty “fuck you” for subjecting us to that trash can fire. Let’s break it down step by step shall we? First of all, that essay. I commend you for not getting any drool stains on it. I mean, 800 words about what you learned from volunteering at the local elementary school? Really, that’s what you’re bringing to the table? Please get me some coconut oil before you try to fuck me in the ass like that again. And while we are on the topic of prose, I feel it is my duty as a higher education professional to mention your letter of recommendation by your social studies teacher, Mrs. Goldfield. Please let her know that Laura Blake Jones from UofM politely requests that she chew off her own fingers so I never have to read another one of those turds again. Honestly, I didn’t even read the letter from your chemistry teacher because I’m just assuming there’s mercury in your town’s water supply or something. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, the fact that your hometown is still standing is a miracle. By the way, next time you want to apply to the college of Literature Science and the Arts with only a single SAT subject test, save yourself some time and jump out of a window first. Listen. Scharky. Usually I would be writing at this point in the letter about how this admissions decisions does not reflect on your value as a human being…clearly that is not the case here. I want there to be no ambiguities. I hate you. I hate your application. You are a trash person born to a trash family, and one day you will sire tiny little trash children. Please never contact us again, do not visit our campus again, do not watch UofM football games. Fuck Off Slobskis, and Expect Respect, Laura Blake Jones, Ph.D. Dean of Students

Spring 2015

TRIGGER We sincerely hope

WARNING

that these pages offend you

(you fat fuck)

illustrated by James Mackin

illustrated by Christina Bennett 12

We’re just receiving word that a second blimp has struck the tower.

*donk*

“Casual Racism”

*donk*

illustrated by Neal Jackson

illustrated by Dustin Park Spring 2015

sin(gerine)

cos(gerine)

Alumni Ad by John Dobbertin 14

Alumni Ad by Max Herrmann

AND SO, TO RISE HIGHER

WE CAST OFF DEAD WEIGHT Phil Wachowiak, Business Manager // 2015

During my time as business manager, I saw a plethora of synergy at the Gargoyle. Over the years, it has been my duty to leverage my core competencies in order to maximize revenue. Just kidding--most of the time I had no idea what I was doing. How does one do comedy with a major in biomolecular science? Thanks to the Gargoyle, I now have the comic aptitude to entertain party guests with such dazzling social commentary as “we’re gelling like a tray of agarose!” and “Hey girl, you must be osteoporosis because I keep falling for you.” To this day, I wonder how it is that I have

never been kicked out of a meeting. Whether I wanted to read a selection from the inspirational Herotica, or if I just needed a place where I could study barefoot, the Garg office was always a place of solace. I’ve gotten some of the best sleep of my life on those well-worn couches, and I plan to continue doing so. I can hear you saying to yourself: ‘this guy sounds like a weirdo’, to which I heartily respond ‘no comment’. In truth, the Gargoyle is one of the few places that would accept me for I am and I’m glad I found this place before LSA caught on and shipped me off to a sanitarium. The boss man [editor] is telling me to finish up here so they can add another urine joke to the issue, so I’ll finish up by telling you to gives us a shot the next time you’re looking for reading material on the way to the bathroom.

Ben Schlanger, Distribution Manager // 2014 “Ben, this is revolting.” - my dad reading the Gargoyle

My grandmother used to say “people are funny.” I appreciate that wisdom more deeply with each passing year. For that, I owe at least a little gratitude to the Gargoyle. My first month on the magazine, I watched my mentor troll a fashion magazine’s model tryouts, strutting down the catwalk in high heels, a strapless red dress, hairy arms, and his 10-year-old boy haircut. Why did he do this? “Why not?” My middlest month on the magazine, I spent 15 minutes alone with my favorite band for an amazing interview, and then nearly came to blows with the editor who refused to publish it. My final month on the magazine, I sat in front of a first draft asking myself, “If I assassinated horses for a living, what would motivate me to go on?” The Gargoyle took up such a massive part of my conscious thought processes for four years. It’s weird realizing a whole year has gone by since I spent a Friday trying in to make comedy magic in the Garg office. (Which for a month in 2013 consisted of me trying to convince them to let me publish limericks. Still haven’t forgiven you assholes.) On the other hand, it’s been a year since I left the office at 4 am after a long night alone, trying to piece together an issue and pretending that I knew anything about PhotoShop or InDesign. I have mixed feelings about my time at the Gargoyle: things I wish I could have

I have managed to enter adulthood a thoughtful, reflective, respectable young man. Whether this is because of or in spite of my tenure with the Gargoyle, the jury is still out. My greatest moments of clarity have rarely been polite, and that is a fitting metaphor for the Gargoyle. A creative melting pot for degenerates and altar boys alike -- absurd, jarring, and yes, at times revolting, but that’s just part of the charm. Keep it up, and as always, peace be with you.

done differently and things I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. Despite these complications, I’m eternally grateful for the experience. To put it best, I’ll steal a Whitman quote that I know from my super expensive English degree and you know from Robin Williams and that car commercial. “That you are here - that life exists and identity. That the powerful play goes and you may contribute a verse”. I view my time at the Gargoyle as me contributing a verse. Like my real writing process, it was fun and miserable and more often than not alcohol was involved. But my verse is done. Looking forward to the next one. Oh shit, was this supposed to be funny?

Ross Warman, Editor-In-Chief // 2014 Spring 2015