Volume 110 Number 2 by Gargoyle Humor Magazine

Exposure Edition

Volume CX No.1

Table of Contents

Volume CX, Number 2 Fall 2018

S TA F F

Jenny Ghose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gargoyle King XI Molly Miller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Forgot My Parents Read This Fiona Tien . . . . . . . . . Llik Em Won Esaelp Colleen Hillard . . . . . . . . . . . . VP, College Repubelickans Michael Rosenberg . . . . . . Loose Bricks; Steal Kicks Brianna Kucharski . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mushy Isabel A. Hedin-Urrutia . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Phat Phussy Natalie Kesson . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ferrets Bueller Madylin Eberstein . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HypeBeast

Margaret Trudeau . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . That’s What

Sabrina Corsetti . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Forgot the Letter “P” Exists

Marjorie Gaber. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Big Idiot Energy Shannon Zheng. . . . . . . . . . . . Flip Flops Year-Round

Nathan Slaven . . . . . . . . . . . . . Four-hit Wonder Noah Luntzlara . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sup Pena Colada

Connor C. Davis .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Corner Piece Brownie Al Shumyatcher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pop Crackle Yeet Jessica Tinor . . . . . . . . . . .

Goat Yoga

Hannah Groenke . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I’m Already Tracer

ground & pound

lost & found

trial & error

guess & check

hunt & peck

peel & grind

stick & smash

pass & flick

bend & break

10. mend & rake 11. spend & shake 12. blend & stake 13. lend & take 14. please & thanks 15. suck & fuck 16. blast & ass 17. dine & dash 18. hack & slash 19. prick & pull 20. deal & cull

Duncan Reitz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . She Said

21. steal & mull

Max Lee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You Wouldn’t Download a Car

22. grease & dent

Jamie McClellan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Missing Max Natasha Pietruschka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lil Bean Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to

The Gargoyle Student Publication Building 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48109

gargoyle@umich.edu ~ Visit us at: www.gargmag.com

23. cease & stent 24. crease & crent

Fall 2018

HAVE YOU SUFFERED FROM A BANANEURYSM? IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS SUFFERED FROM A BANANEURYSM, YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION. • Bananeurysms affect over 95% of those who have come in contact with any strain of Musa Balbisiana or Musa Acuminata • Most who suffer a bananeurysm can remain unaware of their condition for up to 24 hours a day • If you or a loved one or a loved one of a loved one or a loved one of a loved one of a loved one has experienced any of the following symptoms, please contact 1-800-MUSA immediately THOSE MOST VULNERABLE TO THE EFFECTS OF A • BANANEURYSM INCLUDE:

• Children under 13 • Adults between the ages of 13 and 65 • Elderly over 65 • Men • Women • Adolescents • Animals • Plants • Fish • Birds • Vertebrates • Invertebrates • Lions SYMPTOMS INCLUDE:

• Bells tolling in the distance • Paranoia • Increased appetite for Musa Paradisiaca • That strange sensation feeling closer and closer • Yellow spots • Rapid breathing • Seeds

PREVENTATIVE MEASURES INCLUDE:

• A healthy diet consisting of multiple fruits, vegetables, and whole grains • 2 hours a week of vigorous exercise • Daily activity stimulating memory and reasoning skills • Consistent and thorough bathing and hygiene • Abandoning religion • Nothing. Nothing can save us. All we can do is lie down and gaze into the sky at those terrible, terrible sentient beings that look down upon us from the unfathomable heavens and pray that their wrath is swift and merciful.

There is little that we can do to protect ourselves. Scientific advancements have simply not moved quickly enough to outpace the remarkable mutation rate of Musa Balbisiana. So few options are available to us, there is even less we can do to stop our children from ever knowing the terror that intends to end the human race. The pain, oh the terrible pain.

CONTACT 1-800-MUSA OR VISIT WWW.BANANEURYSM.EDU TO LEARN MORE By Isabel A. Hedin-Urrutia

Directioners: Where are they Now? Written by Jessica Tinor, Illustrations by Shannon Zheng

Harry Styles

Led the biggest event of the year, being banned from tabletop-style magazines for getting a girl to choke on her own “Styles” hair in her sleep. He has since explored other creative ventures. Last year, he made his huge debut in James Cameron’s Dunkirk as a frozen soldier. Regarding Style’s hit performance, critics have said: “Intensely and excellently crafted thriller.” “Harry Styles was in it?” “Was that a bombshell on the beach or was that a bombshell on the beach?”

Niall Horan

Has been signed to Wilhelmina Models for his ice-cold appeal. His silent demeanor, otherworldly looks, and ability to hypnotize thousands of teenage girls into following him into his bedroom has earned him the nickname “White Walker.” Fan encounters are known to be legendary. One girl reports to being so mesmerized by him, she saw a third eye glow in the dark one night. Another girl was found frozen stiff after hearing him speak after a concert in Mountain View. TMZ is currently collecting a group of witnesses to testify on an upcoming case to get Wilhelmina Models to reject his application on the basis that he is an illegal alien in the UK. We did not get a reply after requesting an interview with Horan. Just a slight smile.

Louis Tomlinson

Is now a father. Young girls have already abandoned his posters in the dumpsters. One fan said: “Recycling? Fuck no. His face doesn’t deserve to relive another day as a Starbucks cup. I want those rubber tires to melt away what remains of that long-gone cherub. Long live Louis, not Mr. Tomlinson.”

Zayn Malik

Has still retained his title as “Bradford’s Biggest Bad Boy” following the band’s break up. After releasing the record-breaking lead single Pillowtalk early January 2016, however, he’s reported to have trouble finding inspiration for future albums. Fortunately, we’ve heard that Malik’s two-year vacation has provided the basis for some exciting projects which we’ve had the privilege to tease to the public. Fans, get excited for an upcoming Pillowtalk remix album that transposes real pillowtalk from 69 couples over 3 hours of Pillowtalk on loop. Furthermore, we’ve heard a future album of his will have singles called “Back to Sleep,” “Say Goodnight,” and “Let’s Count Sheep.” This will be the mark of Malik’s first venture into Electronic Dance Music (EDM). The album’s release date, however, is still being debated as Malik settles a lawsuit over breaking copyright rules with his song “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Stars.” Be sure to check our website for updates.

Fall 2018

Liam Payne

Who is that again?

Meeting Minutes Organization:

Thursday, October 3, 2018

Time:

8:00pm – 9:00pm

Secretary: In Attendance: Agenda:

Society of Homeless Intimidation Theorists (SHIT)

Date:

Director:

Written by Madylin Eberstein

Lionel Kepling, Beggar in Chief Mila Dieu, Director of Empathetic Efforts Marc Andrews, Board Member Spits Adam, Board Member Polly Gross, Stray

1) Distribution of begging locations Led by Kepling, Ann Arbor street corners were designated to individual group members. As per SHIT’s custom, the most aggressive members were awarded locations that are closest to campus and most frequented by weak-willed, unsuspecting U-M students, with Kepling encouraging SHITs to “milk those fucking liberal pansies for every privileged cent they have.” Regarding those members who received a less-than-favorable assignment, Kepling stated that lower-ranking beggars were still free to roam downtown sidewalks and follow wide-eyed, teenage pedestrians at length. 2) Guilt tactic brainstorm Kepling brought attention to a recent downward trend in panhandling lucrativeness and the group’s apparent difficulty in guilting passersby, discussing the most effective linguistic and behavioral techniques according to the director’s colleagues. Members were instructed to grossly exaggerate the severity of their homelessness when interacting with spineless locals and were urged by Kepling not to hesitate to allude to an acute state of psychosis. Additionally, several members suggested some tried-and-true techniques, including “assume a sense of danger by yelling profanities into the night,” “pace threateningly to and fro,” and “prey on the guilt that the weak-willed Gen Z-ers have assumed for the proletariat.” Proposed: 3) Assignment of pissing locations In concordance with previous conflicts, Tee motioned for the alignment of board members’ public bathroom schedules, claiming that urination efforts could be expanded to cover more Ann Arbor ground and that recent public squabbling between members over piss turf may be lessening the group’s united front. Kepling approved this motion in keeping with the spirit of fear-mongering and a principal effort to impose an aura of instability and incapacitation throughout SHIT.

CURRENT OPEN/ING POSITIONS: 6

WRITER CARTOONIST ILLUSTRATOR LAYOUT SALES FUND RAISING

䄀爀攀礀漀甀椀渀琀攀爀攀猀琀攀搀椀渀愀渀礀漀昀琀栀攀昀漀氀氀漀眀椀渀最㼀

吀栀攀渀樀漀椀渀琀栀攀

最愀爀最

洀愀最

⸀挀漀洀

䬀椀氀氀椀渀最琀爀攀攀猀愀猀漀昀昀琀挀愀洀瀀甀椀挀椀愀氀猀漀甀爀挀攀漀栀攀猀栀甀洀漀昀爀猀椀渀挀攀㄀㤀㤀

䜀愀爀最漀礀氀攀䠀甀洀漀爀䴀愀最愀稀椀渀攀℀ 圀攀攀欀氀礀洀攀攀琀椀渀最猀漀渀吀甀攀猀搀愀礀猀䀀㘀瀀洀匀琀甀搀攀渀琀倀甀戀氀椀挀愀琀椀漀渀猀䈀甀椀氀搀椀渀最Ⰰ 㐀㈀䴀愀礀渀愀爀搀匀琀⸀

䘀漀爀昀甀爀琀栀攀爀椀渀昀漀爀洀愀琀椀漀渀Ⰰ 瀀氀攀愀猀攀攀洀愀椀氀最愀爀最洀愀椀氀䀀甀洀椀挀栀⸀攀搀甀

wikiHow:

How to Wipe Your Little Asshole with Long Ladies’ Fingernails: In 5 Steps!

Written by Madylin Eberstein & Illustrations by Brianna Kucharski

Step 1: Go ahead and throw away all of your funds for tomorrow night’s dinner to achieve the perfect gel-nailed look, then scurry off to the nearest 7/11 and desecrate that above-ground sewer of a toilet bowl in a fit of shitsmeared shame.

Step 4: Repeat steps 2 and 3 as needed and with great shame.

Step 2: Once you have finished blowing out the aftermath of your “I-wanteda-4.0-but-I-guess-I’ll-be-settling-on-a-2.1” diet of Xanax, Takis, and Fireball, lean your sorry, messed ass over to the toilet paper dispenser and tug on that roll of ⅛-ply nonsense until the supply is completely drained, leaving a not-so-subtle cue for the next pathetic soul that squirms into that one-holer that they can ‘get fucked.’ By now, your fist should be overcome with the incoherent wad of white fluff that will soon be used to slough off the excrement that not even your foul corpus is willing to house.

Step 5: Once you are satisfied with the state of your exhausted rear, please see yourself off the porcelain throne and over to the nearby mildew terrarium serving as a sink (re-dressing yourself as desired). After turning on the tap, try your best to scrub away that grimy layer of public defilement, remembering to tend to the undoubtedly horrific undersides of those godforsaken talons.

Step 3: To clean yourself, you will want to utilize the inaccurate technique of wiping only with the bony undersides of your fingers. Avoid using the obvious, expertly agile tips of your fingers that have been employed by centuries of your healthiest, most dexterous ass-wiping predecessors and instead try your best to wriggle those tiny sausages until you have achieved a sense of unadulterated anal bliss.

Step 6: Discreetly see yourself out of that herpes breeding ground and, as you drive home, cozy right up to that miserable sense of self-doubt and ask yourself why you thought you could play God, you absolute piece of shit.

Fall 2018

Some parts of this issue of The Gargoyle were brought to you by

Vore and Politics By Lucille Marie

ou’re unhappy, I get it. We all are. Why can’t you just fucking commit to an ideology already? Your mother and I are worried. You can’t be agnostic and independent. This is America. I have a solution for you, but you’re not going to like it. We made this graph. Use it to find the candidate that you think suits you best. We have crunched the numbers. We have done the calculations. These are our predictions. Take them or leave them.

By Duncan Reitz

Fall 2018

GargFeeD

Which Guinness World Record Holder Are You? Posted on May 12, 2018, at 2:07 a.m.

Nathan Slaven GargFeeD Staff

e’ve all dreamed of one day having our own world record. But even though we’re all Special Snowflakes™, some of us are less special than others. Don’t worry, GargFeed is here to help. Ready to find out which world record holder you’d be if you weren’t a lazy piece of shit? No? Too bad. Here we fucking go.

1. You’re hardcore pregaming when you notice your best bud Kyle motionless at the bottom of a staircase. WYD? A. Perform CPR even though you only know how to do it like they do on TV B. Call an ambulance and capitalize on that “Medical Amnesty” thing C. Use his fingertip to unlock his phone and find out all of his darkest secrets D. Write “Sleeping off diarrhea. Don’t move me” on his forehead and steal his wallet 2. You’re babysitting your 5-year-old nephew who just slammed the fridge door on his thumb and won’t stop crying. You . . . A. Buy him enough MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ to shut him up until his parents get home B. Dress up like a door and apologize to him C. Tell him that if he can shut up for thirty minutes he’ll win the world record for the longest time not being a dipshit and get a lifetime supply of MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ D. Kiss his widdle boo-boo and take him out for ice cream 3. You tell your friend a hilarious joke and go to tweet it but see that they tweeted it six seconds ago without giving you credit. Pick one: A. Grit your teeth but stay silent and mentally note to never tell them another joke ever the fuck again B. Shrug. As long as people laugh, who cares who gets credit? C. Defenestrate that motherfucker D. Ask them if they know what “defenestrate” means, and if they don’t, defenestrate that motherfucker

4. Would you rather: A. Be blind but have super good hearing B. Be deaf but have super good vision C. Both A and C D. Yes 5. Have you already read what all of the possible outcomes are? 1. Why would anyone do that? It ruins the quiz 2. I didn’t until you asked me if I did 3. I spilled MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ on that part of the page 4. You’re running out of questions, aren’t you? 6. What’s your favorite ASMR? A. What? B. Lol ass-mar C. People with dry mouth eating saltine crackers without a refreshing non-recyclable bottle of MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ D. RAMS! 7. Pick a card, any card. A. Cardi B B. A pile of unopened Father’s Day cards C. The race card D. The “um, actually, this has nothing to do with race” card 8. Did you know that 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance? A. Everyone knows that B. But did you know that this question was brought to you by Geico? C. Wait, really? I was expecting MOUNTAIN DEW ICE™ D. No, Anchoring bias. Eat shit, Answer C

10. Fuck, Marry, Kill: Martin Shkreli, Martin Scorsese, Mark Schlissel A. I find the absence of any female options oppressive and unaligned with the GargFeed mission statement B. How exactly is this at all relevant? C. One of these things is not like the others, One of these things just doesn’t belong… D. Yes to all 3 for all 3, but not necessarily in the same order 11. How many people died during the Reign of Terror? A. 17,000 B. 40,000 C. Statistics vary as the Reign of Terror occured almost 225 years ago and executions weren’t well-documented. D. So now we’re just doing questions from a 9th-grader’s history test? 12. Pick an MC name: A. Notorious ESP B. MC Nuggets C. Lil Misogynist D. Lil Cystic Fibrosis 13. How would you rate your overall satisfaction with this quiz? A. 10/10. I will share it on Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, Spotify and Yahoo Answers. B. 4/10. I will keep my disatisfaction to myself along with all of my darkest secrets. C. 0/10. I already have a Guinness world record; why did I even bother with this? D. How should I know? I haven’t finished it

Time to tally your results!

Mostly A’s: Buddy Howards–world record holder for longest time taken to solve a rubix cube

Buddy took 81 years to solve his rubix cube, which he got as a birthday present when he was 3. I’m not sure why anyone would give a 3-year-old a rubix cube, but it’s a good thing they did. He/you are either very patient, or very stupid. Either way, your entire legacy will be a plaque and a twentysecond segment in a YouTube video. Hope you’re happy.

Mostly B’s: Whoever the first human is–world record holder for most world records

Since they held the record for being the oldest person, they also hold the record for the longest time anyone’s ever held a world record, and the world record for the longest time anyone’s ever held two world records, and three world records, and so on. Guinness might officially deny this but I’ve thought about it way too much to not include it. Don’t take this away from me.

Mostly C’s: Xiqin Zhu–world record holder for person(s) with most mispronounced name

There’s probably several thousand people that share this world record, but we just gave it to the first woman we met because, when you think about it, we don’t really even know for sure if that’s the record-holding name, so does it really matter if we give it to the right person? They should really stop giving out so many records. Fucking participation trophies.

Mostly D’s: Arthur Miller–world record holder for most/only successful Gargoyle alum

What’s that you say? Guinness doesn’t do world records for qualitative traits? Well, joke’s on you, buddy, because this whole thing is fake. GargFeed is just a ripoff of Buzzfeed which is itself a ripoff of amandaplease.com. Get fukt, dumbass.

10 Things That Only I Remember

By David Monsure

on’t you hate it when online quizzes are so relatable that normies start sharing them on Facebook? Don’t you hate being lumped in with that crowd even though you saw and laughed at that listicle before it got popular? Well, I’ve been working on something that will scratch that itch. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is gonna share this article. So if you like it, you can rest assured that your taste is indeed niche. Without further ado, 10 things that only I remember: 1. Remember that time your grandma came into the city from Brooklyn on a chilly Sunday morning when you were 12? She’d always come early in the morning to beat the traffic, always with cookies, always in a recycled Cool Whip container brought from home. 2. Remember your grandma’s chocolate chip cookies? She learned early on that her oatmeal raisin ones were less-thanappreciated, so out of the repertoire they went. Frankly, the chocolate chip ones were also so-so, but they were often the only sweets you’d get all week. So you did what you could to get your hands on them. After your mom and dad each had one, you would come up with a game to play with your brother to ensure that you’d get more than was fair. Always the willing participant, your younger brother would gladly play along. And, more often than not, once you won your farce of a game, you’d manage to convince him that he’d actually won out. On the off-chance he realized that he’d been cheated, he would throw a fit and your mom would order you both to “share with your brother” and tell you to help Grandma unload her car. 3. Remember that Sunday, your grandma had some heavy things (clothes? cookware?) in her trunk that needed to be brought inside? Being 12 years old, you refused to help. You

Fall 2018

4. 5.

would rather play on your PS2 than carry heavy things. Remember when your grandma gave you “red hands” for being so rude? Remember thinking “that wasn’t so bad” while the heat from sheer mortal embarrassment gathered in your face, making it even redder than your hands? Remember your mother’s face when your grandma called you over in her angry voice? You probably didn’t see her face during the act of reddening, though. She was pretending to be busy washing the dishes. You never knew that she was as horrified as you, still unable to say no to her mother, even when it came to practices as abhorred in the modern day as corporal punishment. Your mom used to say that certain friends of yours were from broken households as if that were a stain on their personality, and you never understood why. Maybe that’s why. Remember how after that day, you associated the polite demand to “be a mitzvah boy” with the implicit threat of red hands? It was effective, at least. You learned how to be helpful through fear, because you sure as shit wouldn’t have done it otherwise. Hell, it took you until senior year of high school to realize that, when people tell you their problems, they’re

not necessarily asking for solutions. You didn’t know what venting was because you never allowed yourself to vent. You still don’t. But that realization has hardly made a crack in your wall of clinical “objectivity” that is far from objective and whose existence has made your defining personality trait “judgemental prick.” 8. Now you spend an unreasonable amount of mental energy avoiding thinking about how much of an asshole you are to your family and would-be friends, while the rest of your brain power is spent on hobbies that can’t amount to anything (what was that about people from a broken household?), 9. biding your time until a viable plan for what you’ll do after graduation spontaneously materializes in your head. You’re certain you haven’t reached maturity, emotional or otherwise. But how much longer will this take? How long until you can handle a week of work without having to “treat yourself ” on Saturday to 10 hours of lying in your bed rewatching sketch comedy shows from when you were in high school? Remember being happy? 10. I don’t. I hope you enjoyed the article. If you liked it, don’t share it. That’d kinda ruin the point, yeah?

Soylent in Retrospect T

oday I tried Soylent for the first time. It was sort of an accident: I had to get up before sunrise to catch a bus to the airport, and I didn’t have time for breakfast. So as I was leaving I hesitated, then grabbed one of my roommate’s bottles out of the fridge. My roommate is one of those guys who’s too lazy to tie his own shoes. He obviously grew up with his mom always cooking for him, and when he went away to college, he, being a resourceful but utterly incapable individual, turned to means of subsistence other than real food. He always kept the fridge stocked with bottles of the stuff, a whole shelf full of identical, flavorless, meal-replacement beverages. He had them delivered in bulk, a two-week supply at a time, and convinced his parents to pay extra for the delivery service to put them directly in the fridge. So I took one of his bottles out, since I didn’t particularly care if he went without his beloved vitamin sludge for a day, and put it in my bag for later. I was too groggy to be very hungry since it was still the wee hours of the night, and I figured I would only drink it if I didn’t get a chance to hit the McDonald’s at the airport so I wouldn’t start feeling crappy and hungry. When I got to the airport, I got my boarding pass, checked my bag, and walked up to the security checkpoint. There was almost no line, it being before 5am on a weekday, so in no time I was at the conveyor belt taking off my shoes and checking my pockets for loose change. I loaded my backpack onto the belt, having taken out my computer and placed it in a separate bin, but just as I was about to push my bag through I remembered the Soylent. “Shit!” I muttered, a little too loudly. Several people turned to look at me quizzically. A lady leading a child by the hand while her husband folded up a stroller frowned in my direction. I smiled sheepishly and raised my hand in a gesture of apology. Since several people kept staring, I awkwardly explained in a muted voice to no one in particular “I forgot I have a bottled drink in my bag is all.” The security agent, a stout woman in her 30s, barked at me “Sir, you can’t have any liquids above eight ounces in your bag. I’m gonna have to ask you to dispose of that in the trash cans behind the... wait, is that Soylent?”

Illustration by Shannon Zheng

By Noah Luntzlara

A teenager wearing a backwards-facing baseball cap who had been staring at me after my outburst and since turned away suddenly turned back when he heard the name of the beverage. “Soylent?” he must have been thinking, “Whoa dude, that’s legit.” Several other passengers began to murmur in agreement. The security agent had an impressed look on her face. She said, “I’m really sorry, sir, to have to inconvenience you—since you’re obviously too important to eat—but unfortunately policy says that I can’t let you take that through the checkpoint.” “It’s okay,” I responded assertively, straightening up from my embarrassedly hunched posture. “I understand. You’re just doing your job.” The woman smiled at me earnestly. “Thank you sir. You know, I’m terribly sorry that your power beverage has to go to waste—technically, you can drink your drinks before going through security, but no one would be able to drink an entire Soylent in one go.” I quickly considered this statement, then decided it was time for a challenge. “Oh I can.” More people who had been listening in on our conversation since they heard the word “Soylent” now turned to look when they heard this bold assertion. Now with an audience, there was no going back. I tore the black plastic seal off of the neck, slowly unscrewed the cap from the little white bottle, put it to my lips and started to chug. The drink had a pasty consistency, and tasted a little like mashed up Cheerios and milk. After I had gotten through about half the bottle, which seemed to take a lifetime, I briefly considered putting the bottle down to take a break. But no sooner had this thought occurred to me than the captive crowd of hundreds of passengers who seemed to have appeared from nowhere—the airport had been nearly deserted when I arrived—started chanting “Soylent! Soylent! Soylent!” I knew I couldn’t let down my devotees by pausing mid-chug, so I swallowed on, faster and faster. Most of the way through the bottle, my stomach started to feel heavy and my eyes grew tired. I *really* felt like stopping—the feeling was as if I had eaten two three-course meals in succession and was being offered dessert. But I forced myself to keep drinking, and it wasn’t long until I had finished the entire bottle. I triumphantly lowered the empty bottle and lobbed it into the trash, wiping my lips in the same motion. The crowd exploded. I felt my muscles beginning to ripple. My biceps swelled, and my entire body started to bulk up from the sheer rate at which I had consumed the proteinladen smoothie. I shot up in height by a foot, and my expanding chest ripped open my shirt as my mortal body evolved into a Schwarzeneggrian state. The passengers clapped and cheered, smitten by my performance. I took a bow, turned around and continued through security to catch my flight.

Ask Dr. Ooh Let’s Talk About Options. “Dear Dr. Ooh , Abstinence isn’t an option for me. Nor is the pill. I’d be happy to have children if I didn’t live on a bunk bed below my mother. And if kids weren’t such little monsters. What should I do? Sincerely, NotWhoringIsBoring from Novi, MI” Dear NotWhoringIsBoring, When sex is the only thing that still gives you any hope in humanity and you’d rather drink piss than have your mom walk in on you chugging pills, what ARE your other options? For simplicity, I’ve compiled a list of tried and true methods for you to check out. The hyperlinks should lead you to resources and services here in the U.S that you can refer to if you’re interested. Plan A: Abstinence Plan B: That generic version of Plan B that’s $40 instead of $50 Plan C: Tie up your fallopian tubes with your old sneaker laces. Convince your boy you’re a dirty hoe, outside and inside. Plan D: Cut off his peepee. In the art of war, you must cut off the head of the general to destroy the rest of his army. Plan E: Get on a rollercoaster ride immediately after sex. Your body is like a blender bottle. Shake it sufficiently and enough semen should be absorbed by other body parts to NOT make a baby. Plan F: Hook up with another guy. If Michigan seed is in there, get an Ohio State guy. Let them fight to the death. #proxywars4life Plan G: Visit a real doctor. Plan H: Visit an engineer, because he would know fluid dynamics better than anyone else. Plan I: Temporarily lock yourself in the freezer, hoping cryogenesis is a thing and the sperm dies of pneumonia before any of your other cells. Plan J: Visit a witch doctor

Plan K: Sweat it out. Plan L: Have sex only at night. Everyone knows sperm is only active in the morning. Plan M: Coat hanger. (You know what to do.) Plan N: Virgin Suicide Technique: take a Coke, shake it up, and blast it up there. Plan O: For extra strength make it a Diet Coke and add mentos. Plan P: You could try Pepsi, but there hasn’t been any research on its effectiveness. Plan Q: Have him pee in you immediately after he cums. For maximum effect, this requires him to be wearing a chug helmet filled with Sunny D during intercourse. Plan R: Find a bidet and sit on it backward. Plan S: If you are an uncultured non-french swine, a Toto smart toilet will do. Plan T: Just do anal. Plan U: Different ways of sweating it out; over-bake the bun in a sauna. Plan V: Over-bake it by eating too many hot Cheetos. Plan W: Only have sex with men who have had chemoradiation. Plan X: Pull out. Plan Y: Only have sex with men who literally don’t have balls. Plan Z: After sex, drink lots of fluids. Your body has the ability to wash away toxins as quickly and as easily as it absorbs them. The jizz should come out one way or another. Your biggest supporter, Dr. Ooh

Have more medical questions for Dr. Ooh? Send them to oohlala@michmed.com. Fall 2018

The Gargoyle’s Guide to Perscription Meds Written by Stephanie Mars & Owen Luntzlara

I-blow-u profen

[eye-blo-yoo-PRO-fen] Side effects: Chlamydia Do not take if: You have a sensitive gag reflex

Penisillin

[peen-is-ILL-in]

Side effects: Penile enlargement Do not take if: You are female (unless you’re going for that.)

Ass-eat aminophen

[ass-eet-a-MIN-o-fen] Side effects: Admission to the Ross School of Business; thinking that vaping is cool; halitosis Do not take if: You aren’t a horny prick

Clitamycin [clit-uh-MY-sin]

Side effects: More intense orgasms; an insatiable urge to listen to “My Neck, My Back” by Khia Do not take if: Your last name is Freud.

Phallodipine

[fall-OH-dip-een]

Side effects: Seeing penises in the faces of your friends Do not take if: You have offended the Roman god Priapus

Urethrocin

[yoo-REETH-ro-sin] Side effects: Finding golden showers appealing Do not take if: Please don’t take it

Ho-zac

[HO-zak]

Side effects: Having all your shirts replaced with Calvin Klein sports bras; parental disapproval Do not take if: You have standards

LITERATURE POP QUIZ! Written by Michael Rosenberg

What, you think because you passed first-year writing now you’re Michel Foucault? You haven’t opened a book in years, and I can prove it. Match these or shut the fuck up. David Foster Wallace

Grant Imahara

Dr. Seuss

4chan

James Joyce

Jesus

My Aunt

William Shakespeare

Excerpt

Author

Out, damn’d spot! out, I say! One; two: why, then ‘tis time to do’t. Hell is murky. Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our pow’r to accompt? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? One fish, two fish, Red fish, blue fish. Organized shuffleboard has always filled me with dread. Everything about it suggests infirm senescence and death: it’s a game played on the skin of a void, and the rasp of the sliding puck is the sound of that skin getting abraded away bit by bit. this fucking whore i can hear her attitude just looking at her disgusting feminist scum bitch id knock her ass out stupid bitch In the ignorance that implies the impression that knits knowledge that finds the nameform that whets the wits that convey contacts that sweeten sensation that drives desire that adheres to attachment that dogs death that bitches birth that entails the ensuance of existentiality. You are a hurt 13-year-old boy. I don’t know what pain you had to go through to make you so cold and distant from any feelings of compassion and basic kindness, but causing hurt makes you into the monster you are running from.

Congradulations Dr. William Seusspeare praises your efforts

Fall 2018

Exposure Edition

Volume CX No.1