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Patrick Colson-Price Early mornings usually are the best time for writing. Today is one of those days for me. I gulped down my pre-workout, went to the gym, worked out, and now I’m sitting at Starbucks listening to circuit music via my Beats headphones. It’s a Monday morning, and the sun is about to rise over the Atlanta skyline. I’m still scratching my head at how all of this (my journey back to Atlanta) came to fruition. This isn’t what I would expect for my 2019, among many other things that have happened in my life over the past year. No, this isn’t going to be a part two of my previous editorial; I think it’ll be good to talk about the new year and how we should manage expectations. Facebook seems to be the place to remind friends just how horrible or how great 2018 was. It’s in the form of a book, five or so paragraphs with details written for one’s diary. It’s entirely personal which is how it should be, but it seems to be a recurring phenomenon. People post their life triumphs and failures over the past year, promise for a “new year, new me” and wait for people to encourage or reassure that things are just fine now and for the future. Are we creating unrealistic expectations to which we can never live up to? I’ve always refrained from planning more than a month ahead. I guess it’s from a constant let down in my past with my expectations of what something should’ve been. It became an exhausting challenge to rebound after something didn’t go as planned. I was let down, discouraged and frustrated. Soon I began sabotaging what little hope I had left of a positive future. I’d intentionally talk myself out of going out with friends or traveling to different cities because I’d had too many let downs from previous journeys. I’d tell myself on January 1 that “this year would be different,” but it was always the same me.
or what memories I was supposed to make. It was a challenge because I was mostly keeping my mind clear of pre-planning how something played out. We all do it. We all plan what we’d like to do, who we’d like to see or meet, and the fine details in between. Here’s my perfect example: In 2016, I embarked on my first Atlantis cruise to the Caribbean. It was the largest gay cruise ever to set sail; more than 5,000 men from around the world on one big ass ship. I mean, who wouldn’t have expectations for the parties and for men. I planned costumes for the week’s themed parties, packed my speedos, and made sure I had everything to put me in the perfect state-of-mind for seven days of dancing. I’d heard so many stories, saw so many pictures, and made up in my mind that my experience would be just like others before me. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had an emotional breakdown before we even left port and had to call a dear friend to help me through my fears. My expectations of certain friends did a nose dive into the warm waters of the Atlantic. I thought daily, “please get me off this ship, I want to go home!” Once I stepped back on dry land, I swore I’d never set sail again. I swore off anything to do with circuit parties or anyone that experienced them.
but it was a friend’s birthday. I reluctantly said yes and pushed all hope into my one-word response because I wanted to enjoy the trip. I confided in several guys from our cruise group about my previous excursion. They reassured me; this time would be different. It was a smaller boat, about 1900 guys, and the trip was expected to be a little more laid back. I remember one friend telling me, “just go with the flow, have an open mind, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” Long story short, I let go of expectations and created my adventure as it happened. Were there some expectations? Yes. Did I organize my entire trip based on expectations? No. I allowed myself to breathe each breath and dance to each beat without a guide. Maybe I’m the only one whose expectations have gotten the best of me in the past. Maybe others are struggling with the same quandary at the start of every year. I’m not saying let go of all expectations but let yourself live a little. It’s ok to have hopes but don’t let them confine you to what should happen. Moving back to Atlanta, I’ve realized to loosen my expectations because it won’t be like it was when I lived here before. Just like my cruises, lose the expectations, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at just how much fun is waiting for you around the corner.
Several months later, while living in Palm Springs, several friends from that previous cruise invited me on another one. I think I said hell no when they first asked. I was not about to waste money on another cruise just to experience the same sea-sickening catastrophe,
I thought, “how can I change the outcome of my adventures before they even happen?” It’s about having an open mind, not to set any expectations for what a trip was supposed to be Editorial 3
NEWS
NC University Names LGBTQ Center After Atlanta Gay Activist Patrick Colson-Price It’s now the largest LGBTQ Center in the UNC-system, located on the East Carolina University, and the state-of-the-art center will now hold the name of one of Atlanta’s most-influential gay activists, Dr. Jesse Peel.
They not only “heard our request,
Peel, a North Carolina native, grew up 20 miles from ECU, attended UNCChapel Hill for his undergraduate degree and medical school. But at the time, was still a closeted gay man living life in rural backwoods North Carolina.
but they also gave us Boardwalk and Park Place. They situated us in the heart of the student center.
“I would’ve never imagined something like this when I was growing up. I was such a backwoods kid. I didn’t come out until my 30s. I might’ve been too afraid to go to it if there were a place like this in Chapel Hill,” he said.
Along with a vast amount of study space, the 3,200 square foot center also provides students access to a conference room and a lending library that holds more than 500 LGBTQ-related titles. And of course, you’ll know when you’re in the all-inclusive space.
After years of working to provide scholarships to students at ECU, Peel joined a selection committee for scholars. Leaders at the university then decided where Peel would best fit.
“You’re not going to be able to walk down that corridor without seeing rainbow flags everywhere,” he said. The move really solidifies ECU’s position as a leader in LGBTQ rights in a state that’s seemingly turned red in the past two presidential elections.
“It’s a bit overwhelming. Especially where it’s located and where I came from,” said Peel in an interview with Georgia Voice.
“They asked me to be involved in their diversity initiative; this was about 14 years ago,” he said. “In 2011, they opened their first LGBTQ resource office. It started in one small room, and it quickly outgrew the space.” Since then, it’s grown to serve more than 7,000 student visits every academic year. As the college grew close to 30,000 students, talks of a new student center permeated throughout the university. Could a new LGBTQ resource center be in the new plans? Peel and others lobbied for any real estate in the new 220-thousand square foot facility. “They not only heard our request, but they also gave us Boardwalk and Park Place. They situated us in the heart of the student center,” said Peel. 4 News January 18, 2019
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“A big red state honey, I love it! The time is really for now,” said Peel, chuckling. “Change is on our side.” The students feel the energy too. Even though it’s a safe place where inclusion will always be a focal point, they’re taking their newfound confidence and understanding of equality, and spreading the messages across campus and around the state. “The kids that go to this university are mostly first-generation college students. Coming from a rural background, this place is incredible for them. They’re so excited about it,” said Peel. “You tell these kids, look at what the university has given you. They have given you an incredible affirmation that you’re important, that you count.”
The program is still relatively young, about four or five-years-old, and students gain unique experience. ECU sends a group of students to Atlanta for Spring break, a chance for them to experience life in a city that celebrates diversity and not just on college campuses. “One of the things they said when they were here last year. “Gee, it was just so exciting riding around town, and every once in a while you’d see a rainbow flag,” he said. “We take it so much for granted, and not so much for these kids.”
During the centers official ribbon-cutting and welcoming ceremony on January 12, Dr. Peel and 350 other attendees from around the state and Southeast spoke to the courage and determination these students have displayed. Each one of them a sprouting part of the future of the LGBTQ world. “With that comes an obligation. You need to get out there and become your full potential and become the queer leaders we need,” said Peel. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
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NEWS
“After Abrams”: The Future of Equality for Georgia Luke Gardner
online directory of local organizations on the frontlines of freedom.
Brian Kemp took office after barely winning an election that had no clear victor for days. As Georgia’s then Secretary of State, Kemp’s office oversaw the electoral processes, including the very election he was running in. During that gubernatorial election, over 53 thousand Georgians were blocked from voting, with 70 percent of them being African-American, according to Vox.
In the face of a governor who has expressed his anti-immigrant views, local activist lodge El Refugio will continuously work to provide free meals, lodging, and emotional support to the families of immigrants detained in Stewart Detention Center. In the face of an administration that supports anti-LGBTQ legislation, queer advocacy groups like Southerners On New Ground will continue to challenge homophobia and transphobia.
Kemp’s win comes after a heated campaign that was heavily criticized for ads featuring seemingly dangerous and hollow political rhetoric. NowThis News compared Stacey Abram’s campaign commercials that discuss mass transit, Medicare and tax regulations to Kemp’s ads, in which he endorses Donald Trump, holds various weapons and stands by his truck while threatening to personally deport “illegals.” With Kemp having clawed his way into the most powerful office in the state, many Georgians are concerned that the lack of accountability and consequences Kemp has faced for allegedly rigging the election in his favor is setting a dangerous precedent. Others worry about how his deep conservatism and loyalty to the Trump administration will negatively affect marginalized and working class communities. “The Kemp administration must not ignore the voices and needs of the groups that were disproportionately impacted by voter suppression during the 2018 election,” said Jill Cartwright, Georgia’s Statewide Campaign Organizer for Southerners On New Ground, a southern organization that organizes for social justice. ”Doing so will further disenfranchise Black, queer, trans, immigrant and poor Georgians. If that happens, the Kemp administration will have the impact of exhibiting Georgia as a flagship state for voter suppression and social and economic injustice.” Amongst all these concerns, non-action is sure to achieve absolutely nothing. It’s why a growing number of organizations around the state of Georgia are creating outlets 6 News January 18, 2019
In a mostly white, Republican government where people of color and working class people don’t often see themselves represented or cared for, groups like The National Council of Negro Women will continue to uplift people of color by addressing issues like the race and gender wage gaps. While Kemp plans to increase law enforcement spending by creating new task forces, according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, online community Copwatch of East Atlanta will continue to hold a space for police accountability and resistance. for citizens to stand against a far-right conservative politician. In her concession speech, in which she didn’t concede, Abrams announced the launch of Fairfight Georgia, an organization dedicated to expanding access to voting by removing obstacles that cause voter suppression. Georgians concerned about the disenfranchisement of voters can get involved by sharing their stories and the stories of others posted to Fairfight’s website and by donating or volunteering. Still, there are a plethora of issues that exist outside of voter suppression, and even in a correctly functioning democracy, the public can still elect a tyrant. For these reasons, other Georgians may feel that electoral politics is not an effective way of bringing about desired change and instead resort to techniques of resistance like advocacy, civil disobedience, and direct action.
“I believe that now is the time for all Georgians who affirm the lives and selfdetermination of queer folks across race, class, gender, and citizenship status to make their allegiances known,” Cartwright said. “This may not mean aligning with a particular party or elected official, but instead standing on the side of justice at every turn. Transformative change happens in the workplace, the home, the academy, and the streets.” The Metro Atlanta Chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America co-hosted a protest against Brian Kemp titled “The People’s Inauguration: Not Our Governor.” The rally took place at Georgia State University’s Hurt Park on January 13, the day before Kemp took office. Numerous other activism-based organizations in Atlanta work to advance human rights. Activists Recruiting, Organizing, and Mentoring in Atlanta, or AROMA, houses an
As legislators in our state and across the country undermine the importance of climate change, 350 Atlanta will continue to hold public events, support green energy initiatives, and regulations and challenge industries destroying the environment. In the face of the Kemp administration, oppressed Georgians must not lose hope in the struggle for justice. Our governor may stand opposed to us, but we outnumber him. “Queer and marginalized people must forge stronger personal, political, and conceptual relationships among identities,” Cartwright said. “Queer and marginalized Georgians cannot possibly build power without recognizing our struggles and our histories as related. We can build power among ourselves by initiating the difficult conversations about the dynamics of power in our lives to build strong, principled foundations for labor in political movements.” www.thegeorgiavoice.com
NEWS
Georgia Equality Program Producing
Next Generation of Trans Leaders Jamie Roberts The Trans Leadership Academy at Georgia Equality prides itself on producing future community leaders, and Georgians are starting to see the results. Several years ago, Georgia Equality, through its TransActionGA program, created a plan to develop leadership within the transgender community of greater Atlanta and across the state.
TRANS LEADERSHIP ACADEMY AT GEORGIA EQUALITY MEMBERS COURTESY PHOTOS
I learned more about the political history of Georgia “as well as the LGBTQ emphasis on Trans history. I
Crucial to this effort is Chanel Haley, Georgia Equality’s first Gender Inclusion Organizer. The overall goal of the program she says, is to strengthen the advocacy skills among the rising generation of transgender individuals, as well as prepare them for community leadership. Haley hopes the program will give participants skills to sustain themselves in the economy as they gradually replace the current generation of transgender leadership engaged in advocacy.
experienced instability in their housing or are homelessness.
The four main goals of the program: ensure the graduates effectively communicate and educate people about the transgender community, acquire confidence in public speaking, have proficient understanding of government, coalition-building and civil engagement, as well as how to communicate with elected officials. Participants will also be able to apply these lessons to any future careers whether they choose to go into nonprofit work or join the private employment sector.
The program feeds them, pays them for their time, and ensures they have transportation. The Academy helps graduates have the skills and confidence to negotiate a raise and advocate for themselves as a person with their identity to get respect for themselves. If necessary, they would have the knowledge on how to engage in organizing for a union as the situation demands. In its’ second year, the plan is to have a cohort of six new individuals. Three mentors from the programs first year will help second-year participants on the path to completing the course.
The program began with a cohort composed of 14 students – seven self-identified transgender men and seven self-identified transgender women – who would attend classes for a year, meeting once every month. All the individuals in the program are people of color except for one. Participants range in age from 25 to 52. Some of them are unemployed; others have
Derek Baugh, a transgender man, found out about the program on Facebook last year and applied via email. He was a member of the first academy and says the program gave him many new contacts in the community.
Another trans man, Anthony Wolf, was employed at the Phillip Rush Center when he learned about the Academy. “I learned more about the political history of Georgia as well as the LGBTQ emphasis on Trans history,” he said. “I use that as leverage to carve a path for myself as a transgender individual at my job.”
“It taught me how do advocate appropriately for myself in a more effective way – like raising
Lupa Brandt, a trans woman from Macon, was doing community outreach
8 News January 18, 2019
use that as leverage to carve a path for myself as a transgender individual at my job. your argument instead of your voice,” he said. CHANEL HALEY
Following his participation in the Academy, he became the first trans employee at a nonprofit organization – one that’s unrelated to the LGBTQ community. The organization seeks to reduce domestic violence among different groups but hasn’t had the knowledge to go into the LGBTQ community. He took it upon himself to be an “ambassador to the community.” He’s now helping his employer to understand more about how the makeup of LGBTQ families and the particulars of queer relationships. He’s also in the process of founding his own non-profit organization.
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for a local transgender non-profit called TRANScending Barriers. That’s when she was invited to join the Academy by the program’s organizer. She also had some experience as a citizen lobbyist for individuals who were previously incarcerated. She learned practical skills from the Academy like how to speak in public, including television appearances, as well as how to have a successful job interview. “It’s like no-brainer stuff that I’m using in everyday life,” she said. She, like many other participants, aspire to sustain a career in advocacy and become a spokesperson for the LGBTQ community. She’s taking her knowledge from the first year of the program, and helping the second cohort as a mentor. The current cohort graduates on April 22 at the Phillip Rush Center at noon. It will be open to the public, and there will be a free brunch buffet. For more information on the academy and future classes, contact Chanel Haley at chanel@georgiaequality.org. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
ASK THE DOCTOR
Diets; Generic Vs. Brand Meds Is there a “Best Of ” for diets? This is a very common question in the nutrition world. You may hear on TV about a fantastic new diet, or a friend might tell you that the diet they recently tried is “the best!” The truth is, there is not one diet that works best across the board. While there is an overwhelming amount of diet options available, the diet that works best is whatever works best for you.
are regularly asked. The simple answer is yes; generic medications are as effective as brand medications. Of course, there are a few exceptions to every rule. The FDA requires all generic medications to have the same active ingredient as the branded medication, as well as be bioequivalent, a fancy term that means it dissolves and breaks down in your body the same way. Essentially medications are the same.
One nutrition tip to keep in mind: if you hear of a diet that recommends cutting out an entire food group (grains, fruits, vegetables, dairy, meat/protein), that is typically a red flag! Unless you have a medical need to eliminate certain foods, consuming a diet with plenty of variety from all food groups is essential. It’s important to note that there are many unhealthy diets out there, so please be sure to speak with your provider or dietitian before following any diet. Just remember that each person has different medical needs, health goals, dietary preferences, schedules, and so much more! Also, it’s best to avoid the “diet” mentality and try to aim for more lasting lifestyle changes. To learn more about how your diet can impact your life, try to meet with a registered dietitian – it’s a great way to get answers from a nutrition professional about what will work best (Once again) for you.
Now, what are the differences between brand and generic? Most often the differences are in what makes up the fillers, also known as excipients, in the medication. Some people may find they are sensitive to one of the fillers, such as a dye, which would make the generic option undesirable. Also, generic medications must be bioequivalent within 90 percent of the branded drug. For most medications, this is more than an acceptable range. However, for some medications that we classify as a narrow therapeutic medication such as Coumadin or Synthroid, your provider would want to monitor you closely while changing from brand to generic or vice versa to make sure the dose is appropriate and does not need to be changed.
Julia Bleecker, MS, RD, LD AbsoluteCARE Medical Center & Pharmacy
Are Generic medications as effective as brand medications? This is a question providers and pharmacists
Overall, I highly recommend switching to generics when appropriate as they are typically a cheaper alternative to the brand and just as effective, which can keep you both physically and financially healthy. Jason Nash, PharmD, AAHIVP AbsoluteCARE Medical Center & Pharmacy
Ask The Doctor is a monthly health column where the experts at AbsoluteCARE answer your pressing medical questions. Have a question you want answered? Email it to askthedoctor@thegavoice.com!
www.thegeorgiavoice.com
January 18, 2019 Health 9
VOICES
Staying “Woke”: Surviving Political Chaos Camryn Burke If you’re reading this, congratulations! You’ve survived the rollercoaster that was 2018. As we get started on a new year, we reflect on the past and improving our future. These improvements tend to focus on health, academics, careers, and relationships, but seldom do people consider political activism when they think of a resolution. It indeed is relevant in today’s political climate when talks of a border wall fill the airwaves, and a diverse group of politicians enters their first terms in office. For alt-left people, it’s exhausting to feel like you’re fighting for justice all the time. It’s always been a struggle, but under the reign of Donald Trump, it often feels like we take one step forward and two steps back. Before he was elected, many thought the probability of his “reign” was slim to none. That outlook quickly changed on election night in 2016. But the fight for inequality began long before Trump took office or even thought about running for president. You might be wondering what “woke” means, as I use it in my title. It’s a slang term that originated in the African-American community and gained traction on social media when the Black Lives Matter movement started to make headlines. To put it simply, being “woke” means being aware of social injustices. So many minorities, African-American, Muslim, Latino, LGBTQ, Immigrant and Women individuals, thrive on keeping politicians accountable because for so long their lives were demeaned and controlled by privileged white men eager for more power and more money. It can make one feel resigned and hopeless, especially for those whose loved ones have opposing values. But as many always say, if you want change, make it. After interviewing local political activists, Alyssa Horace and Spencer Bivins, I came up with a list of tips on how to stay politically active or “woke” in 2019. 10 Voices January 18, 2019
However, it’s important to understand the difference between being a political activist and being woke. Many don’t understand the distinction between being “woke” and being politically active. On the relationship between political activism and “wokeness,” Alyssa Horace says, “I definitely think there’s a relationship, but the two don’t always go together. You have people rallying for white supremacy, and you could call that political activism but are they “woke?” And political activism for one issue doesn’t mean you’re aware of ALL issues concerning social justice.” In summation, you can be woke without being a political activist, and vice versa. However, for left-leaning activists, being “woke” and being active in the fight for justice more often than not go hand-in-hand. For the people on the left, it’s important to be both especially in 2019. It’s important to keep reading and learning about what’s going on in the world with an open, curious mind. Don’t just focus on your go-to news source. Flip channels and see what the opposition is saying. Already in 2019, news outlets like FOX News are starting to keep the Trump Administration accountable. Fox News Anchor Chris Wallace’s heated interview with Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, made headlines for all of the right reasons. In the interview, Huckabee-Sanders commented, “We know that roughly nearly 4,000 known or suspected terrorists come into our country illegally, and we know that our most vulnerable point of entry is at our southern border.” Wallace went on the offense, interrupting her with facts. “Wait wait, ’cause I know the statistic,” he said. “I didn’t know if you were going to use it, but I studied up on this. Do you know where those 4,000 people come or where they’re captured? Airports.” The exchange on live television concluded that times are changing throughout all
ATLANTA WOMEN’S MARCH FILE PHOTO
media outlets, conservative and liberal. “The biggest thing is to allow your mind to learn new things,” Spencer Bivins states. “Not every problem is black and white, and some problems aren’t as complex as they seem.” It’s what certain news outlets tend to focus on though, creating problems that don’t seem to really exist. Those watching that Fox News broadcast that night, learned something new even though they might not want to admit it. It’s given everyday citizens a chance to begin asking questions, regardless of their political affiliations. Is what I’m watching, accurate? Is there another side to the story? If you are only willing to see things your way, it starts to feel like you’re in a battle against the rest of the world. In a city like Atlanta, there’s at least one person out there that shares your similar political beliefs. Search that person or group of people out. It feels isolating when no one in your life shares the same passion for social justice as you, so it’s imperative to seek out people in your community. Statistics show the most politically active states are the District of Columbia, Maine, and Utah. Where did Georgia fall on the list? Number 38. In 2017, 15 – 24-year-old
women were more politically active across the United States than their counterparts. 22 percent of those women attended rallies or protests compared to only 18 percent of men. 37 percent volunteered for a group or organization they were passionate about, whereas only 30 percent of men took the initiative to get involved. Overall though, political activism among our youth continues to grow monthly. The list of clubs and organizations that address and discuss social issues is endless, giving you the opportunity to befriend people with similar political interests and of similar age groups. All you have to do is look for an organization that suits you. Politics can be overwhelming, so know when to take a break from it all. Staying politically active and aware of what’s going on in the world is important, but watching the news and protesting endlessly will drive you crazy. Take a step back and observe it all. It’s ok to relieve the emotional strain that comes with dodging political ads on TV or social media accounts that share inaccurate information. Finally, don’t stop protesting. It can feel hopeless, but you’re fighting for something you believe in. In the end, it will pay off. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
VOICES
Queer Activists
Sound-off on Making Change Luke Gardner If you want the job done right, you have to do it yourself. This proverb is more fitting today than ever, given the fight for equal rights. This spirit of queer liberation can be found in the streets of Atlanta, where today’s debate is about combating the racism, classism, and transphobia found in elite local communities, including the gay community. Activists Liliana Bakharti and Tracee McDaniel discussed their experiences working to create justice for local oppressed communities. Liliana Bakharti made national headlines in 2017 when she launched her campaign for Atlanta City Council. Since then, Bakharti, now an employee of Planned Parenthood, has continued to publicly support LGBTQ rights, access to education, reproductive healthcare, and the rights of immigrant communities. “My work in the community has been everything I said I would do when I was running for council,” she said. In the fall of 2018, Bakharti came up with the idea of creating the “Hope For Georgia Bus” to inspire people in the community to vote for Democratic candidates and support various progressive social causes. The “Hope For Georgia Bus” was a response to the “Deportation Bus” used by Michael Williams to criminalize undocumented immigrants in his campaign for governor a few months prior. Williams, by the way, is now in jail on charges of Insurance Fraud, according to USA Today. I guess the deportation bus did get to hold at least one criminal after all. Bakharti has long served as a source of stability in Atlanta’s marginalized communities, often times showing up to help someone in need through word-of-mouth. “I get calls asking for help with anything www.thegeorgiavoice.com
TRACEE MCDANIEL COURTESY PHOTOS
LILIANA BAKHARTI ranging from housing, assault victims, people not having food, people who can’t afford gifts for Christmas,” Bakharti said. When asked about the importance of activism and political organizing, Bakharti stressed the importance of empowering people who are often ignored by the political process. “Because politics has betrayed us for so long we see involvement in it as a betrayal of our values,” Bakharti said, explaining that she disagrees, believing queer and brown people deserve and require a voice in political dealings. “Nobody knows what we need better than us,” Bakharti said. When asked about how LGBTQ people can work to create positive change, Bakharti offered this. “We are doing it through marches, through building communities, by creating our own spaces and giving a voice to those often not seen as polished enough to be in politics,” she said. “We do it by being broke together and finding ways to survive together. We do it by creating our own organizations and making our voices known. We do it through a diversity of tactics.” Bakharti expressed that she attempted to run her campaign by involving groups normally ignored by the wealthy and politically powerful. “One of the things I had to do when campaigning was prove I was a viable candidate, even though I didn’t have the name, money or background,” she said.
She expressed that there is a divide in the queer community in Atlanta, one caused by unintentional ignorance and social privilege. “A lot of gay Atlanta is white cisgender male – the politically active community with means is typically white men,” Bakharti said.
for Transformation, lobbied Congress for increased HIV/AIDS funding and protection from employment discrimination, served on Advisory Boards for the Atlanta Police Department and the Center for Civil and Human Rights, which she is still on.
Older, affluent white gay men simply do not face the struggles of Atlanta’s queer youth, who often fight through poverty, homelessness, racism, and transphobia. “Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re progressive,” she said. “The reason that divide exists is because of people with privilege who don’t see things from minorities [point of ] view. It’s always difficult to humanize yourself to people who haven’t gone through what you have.”
Currently, McDaniel serves as a volunteer Executive Board Director for the Trans Housing Atlanta Program, which provides housing assistance to Trans and non-trans people in need. She also serves on Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms’ LGBTQ Advisory Council, which advises Bottoms on issues that impact our community.
Things are changing, though. “I’ve been invited to organizations that are seen as white and cisgender and that are opening up spaces by giving Trans, brown people voices,” Bakharti said. While marginalized people are allowed to be exhausted and are not obligated to teach about or defend themselves to those with more privilege, it is painful work that must be done by someone. “We must work together to work through trauma and find common ground with developers and conservatives,” she said, adding that “The younger generation can take it back by showing up, not by waiting.” Alongside Bakharti is local activist, Tracee McDaniel, known for her history of championing Trans rights. She founded Transgender organization Juxtaposed Center
“I strongly believe that if we’re not willing to show up, participate and advocate for ourselves, we can’t complain when others don’t,” McDaniel said when asked about the importance of organizing for queer rights. “Don’t be afraid to get and stay involved. Generations before us have fought against conservative – dehumanizing values and have made it better for us to take the baton and run the next leg of the marathon. It’s now up to us to do our part.” McDaniel also spoke on Atlanta’s divide in queer experiences. “There’s no denying that it exists,” McDaniel said. “It’s essential that we get involved regardless of what our socioeconomic backgrounds are, We can’t afford to remain silent and passive, our very lives depend upon using our voices to ensure equity for Trans and Gender non-Conforming people. Our involvement and voices are very necessary and as important as others. Always remember, Human Rights are Trans Rights, Trans Rights are Human Rights.” January 18, 2019 Voices 11
VOICES
Craig Washington Kevin Hart is the hottest black comedian of this era. He would have been only the fourth black person to host the Academy Awards which says a great deal about that American institution. The discovery of homophobic comments in tweets like this one, “Why does @DamienDW profile pic look like a gay billboard for AIDS,” prompted a flood of objections to the Oscar gig. When the Academy offered him an ultimatum, offer an apology or walk, Hart chose the latter. Hart holds fast that he should not have been required to offer another apology. He claims to have evolved since his earlier days of sick AIDS fag jokes. I don’t see it. He shows more arrogant attitude than regret. What he considers as past apologies read much more like justifications. If he were so reformed, his appreciation of the injury his words inflicted would be evident. Such alleged growth would’ve brought him to a different stand. I believe he would not have hesitated to apologize again no matter how long ago his offense was made. Instead, he characterized those who objected to his hosting Oscar night as being “negative” and “angry.” 12 Voices January 18, 2019
KEVIN HART
PHOTO COURTESY OF MEMORIAL STUDENT CENTER TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY/WIKICOMMONS
Recently he has invested much more time in framing those he offended as attackers out to destroy him while posing as the victim than apologizing. During his interview with Ellen Degeneres, the openly lesbian comic revealed that she appealed to the Academy to reinstate Hart, and joined him in branding his critics as “trolls” and “haters.” As an A-list gay, Ellen serves as the perfect gay proxy. Want to counter allegations of your bigotry? Secure the endorsement of an influential member of the group you’ve insulted. Because he is a celebrated black man, the stakes are tangled by the interplay of race, gender, sexual orientation identities, and various forms of power he embodies. Those who are held responsible for Hart’s troubles are swiftly assigned motives and markers. As queer centered organizing is widely regarded as the domain of white gays, many assume that Hart’s critics are exercising collective white gay privilege and power. For many black people, whether or not he made the remarks, when and if he apologized for them, and what the Academy actually proposed, doesn’t affect their perception of a
successful black man being unjustly ruined. Institutional racism is displayed in full regalia every year on Oscar night and every day throughout the film industry. Many would ask, if it were a white celebrity would the same ultimatum have been imposed? However, the distinction between challenging discrimination and overlooking harmful acts when the accused is black should not be avoided. There is a dysfunctional knee jerk tradition of depicting those who question black patriarchy as traitors to the race capitulating to the interests of our white oppressors. Many black LGBTQ folks are not comfortable with challenging homophobia when it’s practiced by black public figures. When actor Billy Porter publicly took Hart to the task, one commenter referred to his white partner, indicting Porter’s take as whiteinfluenced. As LGBTQ activism is read as a white enterprise, black gays who confront black homophobes are rebuked as snow queens, Oreos or just “acting white.” I have witnessed other talented black men whom I deeply admired being held accountable for deplorable actions. As a fellow black man,
I found their achievements inspiring and would swiftly object to any discrimination or other acts of injustice targeting them. My love and respect for black men not incompatible with denouncing their actions when they do bad things. To call them out for it makes me no less black. To challenge homophobia, transphobia, and misogyny within black communities does not mean that I prioritize my gayness above my blackness. In my assessment of the Hart debacle, I cannot forget those who struggle to survive by avoiding detection or daring to walk out in the sunlight. As my good sister, NasheedahMuhammad Bynes once acknowledged, “It is an act of resistance for many of us to walk out of our door and get on a MARTA train.” As one who was once young, gay, gifted and black, I once questioned where my place was in the family, in the world. It was because of the harsh words flung at me or above my head within the supposed safety of my own living room that I learned. If we are to protect another generation from soul-crushing condemnation, we must demand a greater commitment to understanding from men like Mr. Hart and the everyday brothers in our lives. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
FEATURE
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Resolution 101: Blessings in Disguise Allison Radomski Let me be clear: I’m not qualified to give advice on the keeping of New Year’s resolutions, in large part because I haven’t made any in years. Instead, I let my brain roam free at the end of each December, stringing together a series of vague, half-formed fantasies about all the things I’d like to change (More money, more exercise, more writing), and then I let those fragments putrefy just beneath the surface of my daily activities. I use the word putrefy on purpose. Because those half-baked resolutions don’t just disappear. They decompose. They rot. And the lingering scent of their spoiling haunts me all the way into the next December. By then, I’m repulsed by the remains of all the things I sort of meant to do. I’ve read the expert opinions. I’ve listened to my mother, who not only dispenses motherly 14 Feature January 18, 2019
advice but also has a doctorate in educational psychology and studies how people implement behavioral changes. I know of the conventional wisdom. First, start small. Commit to a new running routine, but don’t force yourself to train for a marathon just yet. Then, make concrete goals with measurable outcomes and achievable timelines (Challenging yourself to run three days a week is more helpful than a vague commitment to simply run more). And, use visual cues. Tell yourself: when I wake up and see my running shoes, I will go running. And yet, here I am, living with not one, but two pairs of barely-used running shoes and a set of strikingly underdeveloped calf muscles. I think I resist resolutions because I’m too ambitious for my own good. I write, make movies, and hold down a full-time job that pays the bills. My notebooks are full of daily checklists, and even if I can manage to complete them, I’m already on to the next one. Instead of appreciating what I achieve,
I obsess over shortcomings. Last month, I spent the better part of a day in bed with ongoing chest pain, acutely aware of all that I wanted to do that day but too anxious to try any of it. Not surprisingly, I felt terrible. I kept badgering myself with the same set of questions: Why haven’t I accomplished more? Why do I have so little to show for myself?
The nature of resolution implies the possibility of control, not only over ourselves but over the year itself, a conviction that we can bend some segment of the infinite according to our will. But the nice thing about time – that is to say, our rate of change, the duration of circumstance – is that it will always be outside our grasp, hitting us with the unexpected.
Maybe I resist resolutions because they always end up feeling too small, too petty. I’m not interested in changing one or two bad habits. I’m interested in being someone else. With that impossible desire looming over me, I felt the full weight of my inadequacy, immobilized beneath my suspicion that who I am is who I’ll always be, that my feelings and circumstances and shortcomings will never change. My December was thick with fear, so when January arrived, I chose my usual spineless reveries over concrete plans. I was convinced that even if I could keep my resolutions, they still wouldn’t be enough.
I’ve had a few such surprises already in this young year, tiny but potent blessings that give me hope: an unseasonable warmth for my morning walks, the unexpected satisfaction of watching American Ninja Warrior, an adorable sloth-themed wall calendar that I never planned on buying but now hangs in my bedroom. I see these as positive omens, signs that the year will come through for me in weird ways that I cannot expect, but vow to cherish anyway. Perhaps the year can do without my lists, my chest pain, my anxious spinning. Maybe the year will bring its changes to me. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
FEATURE
Bad Habits and Jedi-Mind Tricks Aidan Ivory Edwards New year’s resolutions are impossible to deter ourselves from, no matter how hard we try. You’ll overhear them on the radio, casual conversation between people in a grocery aisle, see divorce billboards that say “ring in” the new year driving down I-85, or be dragged into the discussion when your friends begin talking about switching to light beer. As soon as January first begins – typically in the afternoon – a temporary phenomenon of hysteria unravels. There’s a tumultuous environment in the gyms all across the nation; celebrity diets come out of the woodworks, and NPR puts together a segment about dry January. But then there are people like me, trying not to eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting. We all have habits, good or bad. Habit building is equivocal because everyone is different in how they form bad repetitions. Regardless, discipline is at its foundation. We may not think about these habits interfering with our day to day lives, but you may be surprised how much these quirks are hindering your productivity, and your health. According to a Northwestern University study, bad habits that lead to chronic disease can be corrected by minor lifestyle changes. There are no magic tricks to help you take those steps, but we have several mental tricks that can help guide you out of some of your habits. HITTING SNOOZE While it may take half a second to hit the snooze button, it affects your entire daily routine in more ways than one. We fall into this habit because we’re not ready to start our day or we feel like a few more minutes might do the trick to finish off that last far-fetched dream. The truth is, most of us who wake up on time with an alarm, are already behind. We don’t allow ourselves to wake up fully. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
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It’s a rush to get out the door as soon as we open up our eyes. More than half (57 percent) of Americans are snoozers, according to a study by French tech firm Withings, with results showing we spend a total of 3.5 months of our lives hitting the snooze button. Let’s break the habit! First, go to bed earlier so you can avoid having to snooze. You’ll be more refreshed and energized when your alarm rings. Try spending time with yourself before you officially have to begin getting ready for work. Wake up an extra 30 minutes, make your coffee, cook your breakfast, and put on some music. Once you’ve connected with your goals of the day, begin the task of making your day happen. SNACKING AT NIGHT We all know what any nutritionists say about late night eating: do it before 9pm. According to Nightsnacking.com, 44 percent of all snacking occurs between dinner and bedtime. The most popular snacks? Salty foods, ice cream, candy, and cookies. Surprise, surprise! If you’re in need of a quick bite in between sleep cycles, set aside some fruits and veggies before bedtime and make it easily accessible. Include a bottle of water or juice that you
enjoy, and steer away from any types of dairy. Take the cookie jar off the counter! (We put the cookie jars on the table for a reason!)
about them. It’s something we have control over. There are also over-the-counter items that flavor your nails, giving them a terrible taste. Avoid those germs at a small price.
SOCIAL MEDIA AT NIGHT We all know the feeling of laying in bed, consumed by thoughts and ideas while trying to find the perfect path to deep sleep. Add social media into the mix, and the visuals of your Facebook or Twitter feed will become a constant replay in your head.
DRINKING TOO MUCH CAFFEINE We often forget that caffeine is a drug. Not only is it a drug, but it’s a highly accepted drug. Everyone seems to be an enabler. Friends will offer to even buy it for you! This is a very difficult one, and there is no way around going cold turkey if you are willing to quit altogether. You can slowly wean your way off by alternating decaf and caffeinated beverages. But slow it down. Caffeine increases anxiety, insomnia, and can cause us to be reckless when we are in need of it. Sugar in moderation is a whole other beast.
Like any job, work falls between certain hours of your day. When you leave your job, you leave your work behind. Social media is the same. Set a certain time where social media including Youtube and Instagram, is off limits. Call it “downtime” where you choose to read a book or put together a puzzle. We know it’s addictive at times, so using the “do not disturb” feature on your smartphone can relieve you from constant social media notifications. BITING YOUR FINGERNAILS Biting your fingernails is a habit that we are told is filthy when we are children, yet we watched our guardians turn their fingernails into nothingness. Hands are undeniably dirty. What’s a trick you may ask. A nail file, and nail clippers. We can see the imperfections of our nails which subconsciously leads us to do something
It’s easy to slip, and trust us – you are not alone. We underestimate the mysterious power of discipline. There are larger battles at hand such as slowing down on the alcohol, using your blinker in the car or kicking the cigarette habit. Everyone is striving for new feats to pride themselves on. For some reason, resolutions are said aloud so that everyone knows when we slip up, leading us to wonder why we made them at all. There’s nothing wrong with slipping up. Without failure, there would be no growth. You’re making progress. Small steps contribute to the big picture. Keep it up! January 18, 2019 Feature 15
FEATURE
Snatch the Edges of Your Home with These Life Hacks O’Brian Gunn A new year brings new promises and a new commitment to maximizing your life. As you’re improving your mind, body, and soul, be sure your home gets a little resolution loving too. No matter what your resolutions, adjustments, or life tweaks may be, they’re sure to be easier to stick to when your house is in good order. Use these life hacks to pave the way to success, peace of mind, and domestic bliss. SAVE TIME ON IRONING When you’re about to hurry out the door, you may not have as much time as you’d like to get those wrinkles out of your clothes. Maybe you’ve got plenty of time and just aren’t feeling the whole ironing thing. Either way, there’s a quick way to press your shirts and pants out without plugging in the iron.
MAKE DRYING DISHES EASY
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Toss a few ice cubes and your wrinkled clothes into the dryer and set the appliance to its hottest setting for about 10 minutes. The ice cubes churn up some nice steam as they’re melting inside which eases out the wrinkles. One thing to bear in mind with this tip is that it doesn’t do much good with heavy clothing or fabric. STOCK UP ON VINEGAR You can do a lot more with vinegar than cook with it. Glasses with an unsightly cloudy film coating them come clean with a diluted white vinegar soak. This trick is also great for grimy faucets and coffee carafes. Dusty and dirty blinds don’t have to be taken down to get a thorough cleaning. Fill a bowl with vinegar, slide your hand into a sock, and dip your hand into the vinegar before giving your blinds a horizontal wipe down. (You’re also free to have a sock puppet show if the spirit compels you!) Is your showerhead faucet looking a little crusty? Fill a sturdy plastic bag with vinegar and use a few twist ties or rubber bands to wrap it around your shower head. Leave it overnight, unwrap the bag in the morning, and wipe down the shower head. MAKE DRYING DISHES EASY If you’ve been meaning to remodel the 16 Feature January 18, 2019
SAVE TIME ON IRONING cabinets in your kitchen, consider installing a new, hassle-free way to dry dishes. Instead of having actual shelves, you can instead install slotted dish racks in the cabinets over your sink. That way, when you’re done with your washing and rinsing, you can store them in the racks and let them drip dry over the sink. A NEW WAY TO POLISH MAMA’S BRASS If you’ve got brass that hasn’t been polished in years, here’s an interesting way to restore that brassy shine. Both lemon juice and the tomatoes in ketchup have a mild acid that breaks through grime to help brass gleam. Rather than use the two individually, you can double your fun (and the cleaning/polishing) by combining the two.
Squeeze out some ketchup onto a soft cloth, drizzle the juice from a sliced lemon onto the ketchup, and sprinkle some salt on the mixture. Rub the condiment-concoction onto your brass and buff before rinsing with warm water. ZAP YOUR MICROWAVE WITH A LEMON ZEST When life hands you lemons, clean your microwave! No matter how careful you are, making a mess inside your microwave seems as inevitable. When the inside of your microwave looks like a vampire tried to heat a blood bag, reach for a lemon. Pour half cup of water into a microwave-safe
ZAP YOUR MICROWAVE WITH A LEMON ZEST container, and squeeze the lemon juice inside, dropping the pulped lemon remains in with the water. Let the lemons and water heat up for three minutes, just long enough for it to start boiling. Now, let the lemon steam sift and drift inside the microwave for about five minutes. Next, open the microwave, remove the bowl, and get to wiping. I’ve always found that a living space that’s clean and organized does wonders for my mood but can put me at odds with some sloppy roommates. (I’m looking at you, Marcus!) In any case, hopefully, these tips make taking proper care of your home less of a hassle, and less time-consuming. Best of luck, and have a Happy, clean New Year! www.thegeorgiavoice.com
FEATURE
The Art of the Cruise Patrick Colson-Price
I rushed home eagerly one night in late 2009 after picking up a new outfit from the nearest retail store. I hoped it would be a hit for a night out on the town. I didn’t know who I’d meet that evening. I had to look my best. Would the bar be packed? Could I meet my soulmate tonight? What would my hookup partner be like? Too talkative in bed? Quiet enough to take in his groans and moans as we made our way through ecstasy? I think having more questions than answers upfront allowed me to create in my head, a world where there were infinite possibilities.
MORE INFO � As of 2017, Scruff had more than 12 million members worldwide in 180 countries, across six continents. The app has been translated into 14 languages including Spanish, Portuguese, German, French, Chinese and Arabic. � As of early 2018, Grindr has reported reaching 196 countries and has 3.6 million users online on a daily basis. It was the first gay geosocial app to launch in the iTunes app store.
way to the top of the mobile cruising world. I think I just enjoyed cruising through the dimly light bar or club making eye contact with shadowy figures in the corners. I’d wait for a nod or smile to return a gesture. The mystery behind it all intrigued me to no end. I think it even filled my New Years celebrations with a sliver of hope. Maybe I’d find the one in 2010 or 2011, so on and so forth. I knew it was ultimately in my hands. I checked my phone; the time was just after 10pm. Notifications on my phone were usually limited in the evenings. There were a few texts from friends discussing which bars and clubs we’d be hitting up that evening. There wasn’t a Facebook app, and Instagram hadn’t been created yet. Myspace was on a downward spiral, Manhunt was strictly for desktop computers, and gay apps were non-existent. Fast forward a decade, and it’s likely you have every social media app plus ten new ones on your phone.
The ease of staying in bed and scrolling through dozens of men hundreds of feet away without having to go to a bar or club provides a layer of security. There’s no fear of face-toface rejection, and if you’re not into someone else, silence can get your message across. But I can only imagine what older men feel when they look back on their days where the art of cruising superseded a profile pic or the perfect Grindr or Scruff bio. The challenges of having to formulate thoughts and conversation on a whim without the distance of a phone screen between two parties seems mind-boggling for some. There would be no room for long, awkward pauses or the chance to “block” someone who didn’t fit into our cookie-cutter ideals. I’d give up my phone for a day just to experience that face-to-face interaction without technology, without a phone to even jot down a number or email address.
It’s strange to look back on the past decade to see just how far we’ve evolved as a community when it comes to communication. Out of the handful of mobile apps geared towards dating/hookups, Grindr has been around the longest since 2009, and Scruff has made its
Even though our community was fighting the devastating AIDS epidemic in the ’80s and ’90s, the bond between men was tight. It came in the form of safe places, clubs, and bars where cruising strengthened our vow to living as authentically gay as possible. I
www.thegeorgiavoice.com
CRUISING
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agree times have changed. There’s no need to escape to a bar or club where 99.9 percent of the clientele are gay men. Acceptance from the outside is now part of our culture. It’s why we’ve ultimately ditched those venues to meet new people for friendships or hookups. It’s why an overwhelming number of younger men spend about an hour of their day on apps like Grindr. According to We Are Flint, 42 percent of Grindr users in 2018 were between the ages of 18 and 34. Scruff users tend to fall into the older age bracket as the app is geared towards more mature clientele. In an interview with Slate.com in 2018, Fiona Anderson, the author of Monks of the Dead River: Cruising New York’s Ruined Waterfront in the late 1970s and a lecturer of art history at Newcastle University in the United Kingdom, said the act of cruising is becoming an unknown term amongst young gay men. “It’s interesting because I’ve noticed that with students recently, it’s kind of the first time where I’ve really had to explain what cruising is to them if I talk about a contemporary artist who looks at cruising in their work,” she explained. “I’ll give a brief description, and they’ll say, ‘No, I don’t quite understand.’ Then they would ask me, ‘Where would this happen? When would this happen? Does this still go on?’” She also pointed out that cruising was not really about finding a mate, or even having one orgasm; it was more about “engaging with other people in an open-minded erotic way.” After that initial glance which Todd Verow, the producer, co-writer and co-director of the documentary, The End
of Cruising, says persists for more than 3.5 seconds, there’s a connection, according to his interview with Slate. Whatever that connection may be; love, friendship or sex, it’s really all any guy ever wants. It’s the quickest way to boost our self-esteem and give us the confidence to own the rest of our night on the dance floor or on the bar stool until we start all over again the next day. How do we get back to the seedy, mysterious performance of cruising? Can it be done with apps like Grindr and Scruff at the forefront of our social needs? It’s possible but only with persistence just like any other new years resolution one might work towards in 2019. It takes about a second to remove an app from your phone. No, you don’t have to delete your Grindr or Scruff but cleanse it from cluttering your social needs. Plan a night to go out to a bar, club or even dinner. While many guys pull their phones out on the dance floor, at the bar or at the dinner table to see who’s closest to them, allow yourself to be surprised when making glances around the room. See a hot guy? Make eye contact and begin reading his body language, his mannerisms, his smile, and laugh. Even a dick pic won’t compare to the mystery of the growing bulge in his tight jeans. I leave you with this. Online hookup apps aren’t bad. I think it’s healthy to some extent when we’re looking for a quick orgasm to tide us over but don’t rely on it as your sole form of social communication. Cruising isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being human. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and open with who you are. Welcome others into discovering your life with just one glance. It’ll invigorate you. January 18, 2019 Feature 17
FITNESS
Patrick Colson-Price His demeanor certainly doesn’t match his profession, at least not what you’d expect from your typical personal trainer. Darren Floro-Bryant has learned to love what he does through humor and mishap. It might seem counter-productive especially when many of his clients are first-timers nervously looking to buckle down and get serious with their 2019 resolutions. They’re looking for someone who knows what to do and how to do it efficiently. Floro-Bryant does it all but with humbleness. “I try to give a real human approach to it … and show clients ways that I’ve done things wrong and where I’ve gotten to now,” he says. “I try to teach everyone to have a sense of humor about themselves. I teach fitness classes, and I have to demonstrate exercises all the time. I’m rushing through, and sometimes I’ll trip or mess up. I have to laugh at myself.” At first glance, you’d think Floro-Bryant was this hardcore, hardass, military-style gym nazi looking to beat down and bruise even the most determined goal-getters with this “tough love” mentality. It’s how many trainers in the past used to market themselves. Add that to a gym full of complicated machinery 18 Fitness January 18, 2019
and hundreds of other people hogging equipment, and it’s no wonder people quit their resolutions before they’ve had a chance to break a sweat.
and guilt that ultimately drove him to tweak small parts of his fitness regiment. He uses his past experiences to show clients he used to be where they are today.
“The gym is very intimidating if you don’t know what you’re doing,” says Floro-Bryant. “When you don’t show up at the gym, it weighs on you. You feel guilty for not showing up. You hear about other people who are still going to the gym, and it deters you even more.”
“There’s a time when I didn’t go to an actual gym. I had a Bowflex in my basement. I’d get up every morning or on the weekends and start out on the treadmill. I’d say, “Nobody’s going to do this for you.”
He’s lived the struggle. More than three decades ago before he jumped on the fitness bandwagon, Floro-Bryant was like most newcomers. At the age of 21, he weighed close to 230lbs. He wanted to lose weight and live a healthier life. “It took some time to change my eating habits, my daily habits,” he said. “My mindset was to be more disciplined.” Floro-Bryant even strived to be on the cover of Men’s Health, a coveted title that any fitness junkie would be honored to hold. However, his body wouldn’t allow it, so he re-organized his goals once again. Some he’d accomplish, others he’d never even touch. It was a continuous cycle of disappointment
He started with a large goal, broke it down into smaller, more achievable goals, and tackled those on a strict timeline. For example, if one of his clients wanted to lose 50 pounds, he’d cut that into five 10 pound goals. Each time a goal was achieved, he’d put them on a different path to reach the next one, so on and so forth. That way, the ultimate 50-pound goal seems more attainable over time rather than trying to accomplish it in one or two sessions. And with that ultimate goal, he says clients were likely to have more setbacks and failures because of the added pressure to lose so much in so little time. He began to emphasize that it’s ok to fall down, it’s ok to make mistakes. From missing a day in the gym to indulging in tasty treats, he says it’s all part of the journey.
“If you’re out with your friends and everyone goes out for a birthday, and there are cupcakes, you might have one,” says Floro-Bryant. “If you feel like you need to abandon your whole workout goal now because you had that cupcake and then feel like you need to have another one … just accept that you had the one cupcake and start fresh again the next day.” “Have a sense of forgiveness,” says Floro-Bryant. And also practice accountability. “Keep a calendar. Have a visual paper calendar to write down the number of times you went to the gym,” he says. Add an accountability partner (A friend or family member who supports your fitness journey) into the mix, someone who can help you take measurements and before and after photos. And if you choose to hire a personal trainer, find someone who can take your goal and transform it into a healthy lifestyle. At the end of every workout and every accomplishment, he always takes it back to his clients. “It’s them that does the work. Even when clients thank me for getting them to a certain goal, I turn it around and say you did the work,” says Floro-Bryant. “I may have shown you and helped you stay safe with it, but you still did the work.” www.thegeorgiavoice.com
FITNESS
There’s hardly enough time to brush your teeth in the morning before you head out the door to battle Atlanta’s nightmarish traffic! When you get to work, non-stop meetings push and pull you into hundreds of different directions. By the time you’re home from a busy day, if you haven’t already packed a gym back, chances you’ll go back out for a quick gym workout is slim to none. Grab your water bottle, and a sweat towel because we’re about to give you two workouts to do on-the-go that won’t break your schedule!
LATERAL RAISES
AIR SQUATS
(Also known as Bodyweight Squats) They’re commonly used in training programs like CrossFit and aerobic classes in the gym but are perfect for a quick pump to get some added definition to your legs and glutes. Not only will this exercise build lower body strength, but you’ll also work your back and shoulders, enhance your balance, build a solid core, and increase joint mobility.
STEP 1: (Front and Side)
Sometimes you’ve got to get creative with your home or office workouts because who stocks their closets with sets of dumbbells? (If you do, kudos!) Lateral raises are a quick way to feel the burn in your upper body. From your shoulders and arms to your back and chest, it’s no wonder it’s the go-to exercise for a quick pump.
STEP 1: Standing in a shoulder-width stance, grab a pair of dumbbells or (This is where we get creative!) items like two bag of apples or two gallons of water or milk. Make sure your palms are facing inward and let your arms hang by your side. There are two variations of lateral raises, front and side. FRONT RAISES: Keep your elbows slightly bent as you raise the weights directly in front of you to shoulder height. Try to avoiding any swinging or trusting of weight. At the top of the exercise move the weights out in front of you, keeping your arms extended. Lower the weights with a controlled motion.
Keep your feet at shoulder width apart with your toes pointing slightly outward. Your arms can either be down by your side or held close to your chest. Keep your chest up while performing this exercise.
STEP 2:
Been your knees and squat down as if you’re preparing to sit down. Your weight should remain on your heels. Keep your knees externally rotated (don’t let them collapse inward). Make it a goal to go below parallel in step 2 of this exercise.
PRACTICE WORKOUT: Incorporate front and side raises in this workout. Five sets of 20 reps (10 reps of front raises followed by 10 reps of side raises) with one-minute rest between each set. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
A new year means it’s time to get back into shape! The gym can be overwhelming to many, and it doesn’t help that most gyms are at capacity with resolutioners on every machine. Whether you’ve just signed up for a new gym membership at LA Fitness or Planet Fitness, or you’re taking the first steps towards your fitness goals at home, here’s a list of must-have fitness sites/apps. Now get to work!
VeryWellFit.com
Workouts for beginners gives you helpful tips on diet, exercise, cardio and even mental stability for the best workout possible. Eat healthier with recipes designed for your fitness goals and calculate calories to keep track of what you eat. If losing weight is your biggest goal, a specialized section on VeryWellFit gives you tips for dining out and inspiration to keep the weight off after its gone.
MensHealth.com
Packed full of fitness, fashion, technology and sex topics to help you excel in and out of the gym. Workout plans are unique and allow you to use as much or as little workout equipment based on your needs. Men’s Health Fitness Trainer supports and motivates you with more than 500 workouts and 1000 exercises, so you’re not lost in the gym.
Bodybuilding.com
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January 18, 2019 Fitness 19
ACTING OUT
Spring 2019 Theatre Preview Jim Farmer
MORE INFO
Start with beloved musicals galore and a reimagined gay-themed comedy-drama, then add some high profile touring shows, and you’ll see why the winter and spring seasons are a surprisingly robust period for ATL theatre.
“Hedwig and the Angry Inch” Pinch ‘N’ Ouch Theatre Through February 2 “Ever After” Alliance Theatre January 16 – February 17 “Waitress” Fox Theatre February 5 – 10
One of the major shows is already playing. Out actor Chad Darnell, who’s back living in Atlanta, is starring in a new take of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch,” the musical known for its genderqueer central character and terrific score including “Wig in a Box” and “Midnight Radio.” It’s running at Pinch ‘N’ Ouch, directed by Grant McGowen.
“Porcelain” Out Front Theatre Company February 7 – 23 “Men With Money” Aurora Theatre March 7 – April 7
Known for staging LGBTQ work, Out Front Theatre Company has two productions to look out for. First up is “Porcelain,” a production about a 19-year-old who finds comfort in hooking up with strangers in public bathrooms. Following that is “I Am My Own Wife,” the Tony and Pulitzer winner takes us through the life of Charlotte von Mahlsdorf, a German transgender woman who survived the Nazis as well as the East German Communist regime.
“Shenandoah” Serenbe Playhouse March 13 – April 7 “I Am My Own Wife” Out Front Theatre Company March 14 – 30 “Falsettos” Actor’s Express March 23 – April 28 “HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH” COURTESY PHOTOS
Actor’s Express also has a twofer on queer shows. “Falsettos” is the story of a large but rather dysfunctional Jewish family circa the ’70s in New York. “Head Over Heels,” which just completed a Broadway run, is based on Sir Philip Sidney’s “Arcadia” and features infectious music from the Go-Gos. Six years ago, playwright Topher Payne presented his “Angry Fags” at 7 Stages Theatre. He is bringing it back with some changes. Most notably, this world premiere has been updated for the Trump era, so expect some snarkiness. Another world premiere is “Men With Money,” a frothy musical making its bow at Aurora Theatre. The company’s first fully-gay themed production, it follows three bachelors who are looking for fame and success in the Big Apple – and husbands, for two of them. It will be directed by Justin Anderson. 20 Columnists January 18, 2019
“Angry Fags” 7 Stages March 28 – April 14 “Dear Evan Hansen” Fox Theatre April 23 – 28 “Head Over Heels” Actor’s Express July 20 – August 25
“WAITRESS”
After more than a year on the road, The Alliance Theatre unveils its renovated new Coca-Cola Stage with the bow of the musical “Ever After” based on the Drew Barrymore film. Its large cast includes some Broadway talent, including the divine (And local) Terry Burrell. Serenbe Playhouse promises another of their immersive experiences in March with
“DEAR EVAN HANSEN”
“Shenandoah,” about a family’s struggle during the American Civil War. Other intriguing productions include: “Spit Like A Big Girl” at ART Station, “Wolves” at Horizon Theatre, “Skeleton Crew” at True Colors, “Bullets Over Broadway” at Georgia Ensemble Theatre, Windmill Arts’ “Next to Normal,” Atlanta Lyric Theatre’s “Singin’ in the Rain,” “I Love to Eat” at Theatrical
Outfit and the adorable-sounding “Psycho: the Musical,” staged by Vertigo Players. Last, but certainly not least, Broadway Across America has a dazzling remainder of the season with a number of splashy touring shows – the musical “Waitress,” scored by Sara Bareilles, followed by “Les Miserables,” the phenom known as “Dear Evan Hansen” and then the sensational “Come From Away,” about 38 planes that were diverted to Gander, Newfoundland on 9/11. It’s one of the best musicals you’ll ever see. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
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January 18, 2019 Ads 21
EATING MY WORDS
Limp Fries and Sugar Highs Cliff Bostock Many years ago, I used to hang out with Bill Cutler, a former academic who biked around the state and reported his adventures in restaurants for several publications. Maybe a year after his untimely death, I was at dinner with some mutual friends. “The truth,” a colleague told me, “is that Bill hated everything he ate in every restaurant by the time he died.” I don’t want to be like that, but a dark cloud has swept over the tables of my two most recent meals. First up is Highland Tap, the iconic Virginia-Highland steakhouse that opened in 1989. More affordable than most steakhouses, the stone-walled restaurant requires descending a steep flight of stairs into the large bar area, where heterosexual millennials demonstrate their capacity to out-shriek gay men at a drag show. The bar is fully open to the quieter main dining room, which is adjoined by a smaller, separate one with a Medieval-looking fireplace and iron chandelier. First, the good. The restaurant is famous for its prime rib, and I can confidently say it remains a solid choice, despite what tastes like a canned jus. The burger wasn’t bad, but the accompanying fries were gooey. An enormous wedge of iceberg lettuce with the inevitable but substantial blue-cheese dressing was baconed-up real good. The most annoying thing about much of the food was its sweetness. Fried calamari rings
22 Columnists January 18, 2019
were made limp by tossing with a supersugary chili sauce. My baby back ribs were glazed with bacon and bourbon, cooked until dryer and sweeter than a lollipop. My collards were also sweetened. A faintly sweet loaf of bread was served with sweetened butter. Two loaves of soft pretzel bread from H&F Bakery had good flavor, but the sugar of everything else made us crave the rock salt of crunchy pretzels.
HIGHLAND TAP PHOTOS BY CLIFF BOSTOCK
Enough! Highland Tap’s huge menu offers many dishes besides the prime rib and wood-fired steaks. I’m guessing the problems relate to the way established restaurants with hordes of fans are understandably reluctant to change their game. But come on, we’re mainly just talking about discarding a few tons of sugar. French restaurants are making a big comeback in town. One is The Brasserie, located at Bazati, a sprawling, glass-andconcrete development on the Beltline with valet-only parking in a gigantic lot. The chef is Remi Granger, who formerly headed the kitchen at the lovable Bread and Butterfly. You can have a good meal here, but I was shocked by the off-key notes. The big fail was the coq au vin. The braised chicken leg and thigh were served in the usual red-wine reduction with cremini mushrooms, some bacon, and pearl onions, except there were no discernible pearl onions in my bowl. The big problem was that the stew was served over a ridiculously thick layer of mashed potatoes that transformed it into something like
MORE INFO Highland Tap 1026 N. Highland Ave. 404-875-3673 NightcapFoodAndSpirits.com
THE BRASSERIE
shepherds pie. The menus most expensive dish ($28) is a “bone-in pork chop” glazed in apple cider, served over figs and carrots. Is it fussy to complain the pork chop was actually boneless? The taste was okay, but it’s the bone that imparts any meat’s flavor. My favorite dish on the table was a jar of pork rillettes to smear on slices of grilled sourdough bread between a nibble of cornichons and pickled onions. My second fave was a special of vichyssoise with “bacon caviar.” The Moules-frites featured plump mussels in the usual white-wine brew, but
The Brasserie 550 Somerset Ter. 404-758-8342 Bazatiatl.com/Brasserie
why in the world does the kitchen dump the fries atop the dish rather than serving them on the side? Are limp fries, like Highland Tap’s, in vogue? The service was the best I’ve encountered in a long time and my complaints aside, I will certainly return but only after I’ve tried Tiny Lou’s and AIX, two other French newcomers. Honestly, I need somebody to love. Cliff Bostock is a former psychotherapist now specializing in life coaching. Contact him at 404-518-4415 or CliffBostock@gmail.com.
www.thegeorgiavoice.com
BEST BETS Our Guide to the Best LGBTQ Events in Atlanta for January 18-31 FRIDAY, JAN. 18
The G8Yties - ’80s Dance Party features tunes from Prince, Madonna, Culture Club, Queen, Cyndi Lauper and more. Organizers will have 12” extended versions of all your favorite original ’80s dance songs. Come join the party and dance the night away as DJ Mike Pope spins the greatest ’80s hits including “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” “ Like a Prayer,” “We Got the Beat,” “Let’s Go Crazy,” “ Karma Chameleon,” “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” and more! 10pm – 2am Heretic Atlanta Nonsense is having a slumber party and you’re invited. In the winter, it’s tough to get out of your comfy jammies and go out dancing. So don’t – wear your fave pajamas, sleep mask and slippers. The event will feature music from DJ Kimber – including Robyn, Janelle Monae, Ariana, Kesha, Sia and more – plus pillow fights, games, some hairbrush lip syncing, a giant crowd-surfing teddy bear, and other surprises. The first 200 people will get friendship bracelets. 11pm The Bracelet
SATURDAY, JAN. 19
The Auburn Avenue Research Library, in collaboration with the Hammonds House Museum, will host curator Shantrelle P. Lewis in a conversation on her work in the photographic exhibit “Dandy Lion: (Re) Articulating Black Masculine Identity.” “Dandy Lion” seeks to distinguish the contemporary expressions of the Black Dandy phenomenon in popular culture. The first comprehensive exhibition of its kind, this project highlights young men in city-landscapes who defy stereotypical and monolithic understandings of Black masculinity by remixing Victorian-era fashion with traditional African sartorial sensibilities. 2pm Auburn Avenue Research Library Join Charis in celebrating Atlanta author Breanna J. McDaniel’s first book, “Hands Up,” a triumphant picture book which recasts a charged phrase as part of a black girl’s everyday life – hands up for a hug, hands up in class, hands up for a high five – before culminating in a moment of
24 Best Bets January 18, 2019
SATURDAY, JAN. 19
This circuit party will be one for the books! World renowned DJ and producer, Paulo, will bring his Tribal Bitch beats back to the ATL for a night of highintensity dancing that’ll leave you craving more. Opening set by DJ Eric James. 10pm – 3am
resistance at a protest march. This is a Charis Circle Strong Families, Whole Children Program. The suggested donation is $5 but no one will be turned away for lack of funds. 5 – 6:30pm Charis Books and More In 40 years, the Armorettes have raised over $2.3 million for HIV/AIDS support services. Members have also performed at events all across the city. Join tonight to celebrate the 100+ men who have donned a wig and lashes for the cause. 8pm The Buckhead Theatre Jessica Holter and Lez Elegance present “Secret of the Pearl” Season 4: “Lez Diary,” a literary revelation of female fantasies. Ripped from real letters and the erotic pages of “Punany: The Hip Hop Psalms IV: Secret of the Pearl” (Volume 4), “Secret” delivers raw sensuality on a red velvet bed of erotic poetry, exotic dance and classic erotic sketch theater. Come alone, with a group of friends, or bring a date and play along in this interactive episode of erotic sex education theater,
replete with tips and tricks for fantasyfulfillment and audience interaction. 9pm Phillip Rush Center Thabigdogs presents Winter Heat 12 Annual Day Party celebrating 12 years in business at Bulldogs Bar. It’s going down on MLK Weekend with hundreds of men from across the city packed into one place for great music, strong drinks and great fellowship. DJ Sir Daniel will take you on a musical journey with Hip Hop, R&B, House and more! 4 – 8pm This circuit party will be one for the books! World renowned DJ and producer, Paulo, will bring his Tribal Bitch beats back to the ATL for a night of high-intensity dancing that’ll leave you craving more. Opening set by DJ Eric James. 10pm – 3am
SUNDAY, JAN. 20
Stay up dancing until the sun rises above the Atlanta skyline at Xion After Hours with DJ Jesus Montanez spinning beats
for all the late night feels. Located in the basement of BJ Roosters, you’ll experience some of the best lighting and audio Atlanta has to offer. 3am – 7am The PFLAG support group for parents and families of LGBTQ children meets today. 2:30 – 4pm Atlanta International School Make Woofs your home to watch the AFC and NFC championship games today, determining who the Super Bowl participants will be. 3pm
MONDAY, JAN. 21
What better way to start the year than by volunteering with Young Democrats of Atlanta and Hands on Atlanta on MLK Day! Volunteers will be in charge of accommodating bookstore visitors by providing them with directions, coupons, and more. To volunteer, head over to the YDATL “Day of Service” Facebook
CONTINUES ON PAGE 25 www.thegeorgiavoice.com
BEST BETS CONTINUED FROM PAGE 24 event page and workers will reach out to you for further instructions. 10am – Noon 449 Auburn Ave NE, Atlanta, GA 30312 Grab your pup gear and hit the bar for Atlanta Eagle’s first Mutt Monday’s event! Gear isn’t required but encouraged! There will be a padded mosh area so pups can enjoy play time. Handlers and Alphas will be on scene to keep the pups under control! 7:30pm – 2am The Southern Unity Movement is proud to present the 18th annual Rustin Lorde Breakfast. The theme for the 2019 Breakfast is “What Now: Where Will You Be?” This message is a direct reference to the classic Pat Parker poem “Where Will You Be?” as a call-to-action for those working for social change. Admission to this event is free and donations are always welcomed. 10am Loudermilk Conference Center
TUESDAY, JAN. 22
Salsa! Merengue! Bachata! Enjoy Latino Tuesdays at Blake’s on the Park. Celebrate the beautiful men of Latin descent and other men who love them!
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 23
Thad Stevens is the host for Wednesday Liquid Courage Karaoke, with all sorts of food and drink specials. 7pm My Sister’s Room
THURSDAY, JAN. 24
Shawn Colvin won her first Grammy Award for Best Contemporary Folk Album with her debut album,” Steady On,” in 1989, and has been a mainstay of the contemporary folk music scene ever since. She performs tonight! 6pm City Winery Do you want to read books by amazing Black women writers? Do you want to discuss works from a Black feminist perspective in a feminist bookstore? Then the Black Feminist Book Club is for you. This winter and spring thegroup is reading Black feminist contemporary memoirs.
www.thegeorgiavoice.com
the renovated Alliance Theatre Coca Cola Stage 7:30pm
SATURDAY, JAN. 26
The Fantasy Girls Cabaret welcomes drag superstar Trinity Taylor from “RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars”. 10pm TEN Atlanta
MONDAY, JAN. 28
Are you an HIV clinician in Georgia? Join this happy hour event and learn how to advocate at the Gold Dome on issues that matter to your patients! On the docket tonight: HIV criminalization reform. Co-hosted by AbsoluteCARE and Georgia Equality. 6 – 8pm AbsoluteCARE Medical Center & Pharmacy
TUESDAY, JAN. 29
7 – 9pm Charis Books and More The groundbreaking Obie-winning Off-Broadway smash “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” tells the story of “internationally ignored song stylist” Hedwig Schmidt, a fourth-wall smashing East German rock ‘n’ roll goddess who also happens to be the victim of a botched sexchange operation, which has left her with just “an angry inch.” This outrageous and unexpectedly hilarious story is performed by Hedwig (Née Hansel Schmidt) in the form of a rock gig/stand-up comedy routine backed by the hard-rocking band “The Angry Inch,” using songs and monologues. The show is directed by Grant McGowen and stars Chad Darnell. 8pm, tonight through Feb. 2 Pinch ‘N’ Ouch Theatre
FRIDAY, JAN. 25
Every Friday night at Mary’s Atlanta, come enjoy Queer Bait, featuring videos with DJ Headmaster.
SATURDAY, JAN. 26
Bearracuda is back for its first party of 2019 tonight – the ATL Winter Beef Ball, now in its fourth year, in collaboration with GROWLr. Join DJ Ryan Jones for a night of dancing, beefy guys and fun. 9pm – 3am Heretic Atlanta
Join in behind the velvet rope for a night of glamour, debauchery, and disco dancing at the Atlanta Disco Society, presented by Nonsense ATL. Anything goes on the light-up dance floor, and everyone who’s anyone will be there. Saddle up your white horse, find your most fashionable jumpsuit, and prepare for a night to remember. 10pm The Basement The Fantasy Girls Cabaret welcomes drag superstar Trinity Taylor from “RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars”. 10pm TEN Atlanta Do you remember the old variety shows like “The Carol Burnett Show,” “The Muppet Show” or “The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour?” Did you/do you always dream of being in the audience and being a part of the show? Atlanta’s all LGBTQIA+identifying comedy group, Queeriety, has just the show for you. Come see The Queeriety Variety Show on the last Saturday of every month. Each show will be jam-packed with improvisation, live sketch comedy, stand-up comedy, puppetry, and drag performances. 11pm The Village Theater
SUNDAY, JAN. 27
See the musical “Ever After” tonight at
Charis welcomes APS educator Shani Robinson and Atlanta journalist Anna Simonton to discuss “None of the Above,” their insider’s account of the infamous Atlanta Public Schools cheating scandal that scapegoated black employees rooted in the education reform movement. In March of 2013, 35 educators in the Atlanta Public School were charged with racketeering and conspiracy for allegedly changing students’ answers on standardized tests. All but one was black. The youngest of the accused, Shani Robinson, had taught for only three years and was a new mother when she was convicted. She and Simonton look back on the incident and what led up to it. 7:30 – 9pm Charis Books and More
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 30
The Heretic Atlanta host two events tonight, the game-oriented Warp Zone and Boy’s Night Out. 9pm
THURSDAY, JAN. 31
Relax and have a drink at Service Industry Night 5pm The Hideaway Atlanta
UPCOMING SATURDAY, FEB. 2
Atlanta Prime Timers meets today. 3pm Phillip Rush Center Annex
SUNDAY, FEB. 3
The inimitable Francine Reed plays Eddie’s Attic tonight. 5pm
January 18, 2019 Best Bets 25
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Stinky Confrontations Melissa Carter
I forgot how bad it felt to be bullied until I was verbally assaulted at work the other day. Well, I suppose bullied is an extreme description since I take some responsibility for why my colleagues were angry with me. I was at the grocery store with Mr. Carter when I saw a new product. It was a veggie bowl, ready-made and intended to be put into the microwave for 3-4 minutes. Because I was in the New Year mood of wanting to eat cleaner, I quickly decided to try it and tossed a few containers in my cart. I took one to work the next day without a second thought. Our break room is an open space. The only solid wall houses the appliances, while the rest of the area is easily accessible to the rest of the office. Since there’s only one microwave, a line had formed during lunch. I was second in this line and chatted it up with the others having lunch while I waited. Then it was my turn, and I placed my mixed bag of greens in the microwave, all the while continuing my previous conversation. Bing! My lunch was done, and I took it out, only to find people smiling around me. I must say this would be the last time they’d be smiling in my direction, as a voice from a distance began to exclaim how something STUNK. Confused, I said I didn’t smell anything, and honestly at the moment had no idea the comment was sent it my direction. I feel the need to point out that as someone who has spent just about my entire adult life
26 Columnists January 18, 2019
in a radio environment, meaning an air-tight radio studio environment, I am fully aware of the risks certain foods bring. For instance, heating up fish or eggs in the community microwave is a big no-no, and bringing any food to your work station that has a strong scent of any kind is dangerous. So the idea of a bowl of vegetables at work didn’t even cross my mental radar as a problem. Oh, but it was, and any aroma from the open break room permeates throughout the office. Apparently, when kale is heated up, it evokes a smell that one colleague described as a fart. Another said it smelled like garbage that had been taken from the trash can and placed in the microwave. Yet another compared it to the New Jersey Turnpike. And on and on it went until I reached a point of being truly self-conscience. Once such friendly faces turned on a dime into sour expressions, bombarding me with messages that I had offended not only the break room or the office but all of humanity as well. It was an insignificant incident and soon forgotten, but the fact so many felt the need to give their feedback forced me to reflect on my own behavior. Is it worth contributing to a pile-on toward something you don’t like, or could a simple act of kindness and a quick ‘it will be ok’ turn out to be more effective? Regardless, the hot kale will forever remain at home. One of the first out radio personalities in Atlanta, Melissa’s worked for B98.5 and Q100. Catch her daily on theProgressive Voices podcast “She Persisted.” Tweet her! @MelissaCarter www.thegeorgiavoice.com
SOMETIMES ‘Y’
Self-Sabotage and the Art of Overcoming It Ryan Lee “You’re so full of it,” my ex-boyfriend told me after I got out the shower the day before Memorial Day. He had complimented my incoming abs, and while I was applying lotion to my body, I replied it was hard for me to notice the muscles developing. “You know damn well you see it,” he said. “The way you’re rubbing your chest, making sure I realize what I’m missing out on. I can feel positive changes in my body, but at the dawn of swimsuit season, my eyes zoom in on the parts of my torso that aren’t cooperating with my goal of looking delectable at a pool party. It’s an admittedly superficial aim, but as a soon-to-be-38-year-old single gay man whose lifetime relationship goals are sexbased, remaining fuckable is an essential part of my overall well-being. “I keep thinking that I am closer to the Ryan you envisioned,” I told my ex-boyfriend in a text message last month, before he mentioned he would soon be visiting Atlanta from New York. www.thegeorgiavoice.com
We were an odd pair when we started dating in 2006: he, a highly accomplished young professional whose sense of worth was underwritten by his townhome, luxury sedan, and other acquisitions; me, a carless survivor of childhood poverty, bohemian enough to be a bit flattered when mistaken for homeless. He was open about his mission to refine me throughout our five-year relationship, but by the end he had forsaken his career, car, and home, and found zen serving smoothies at LA Fitness. Our divergent economic values were a tension in our relationship, but the persistent struggle was my commitment to convincing my boyfriend how unlovable I was in nonmaterialistic ways. If only he knew me, I told myself, he would realize he doesn’t want to be with me. Any relationship would be doomed by the type of self-sabotage that is my specialty, which I imagine is not unique, but he continued to pry my secrets and insecurities out of me and never flinched. Appreciative of my quest for authenticity, he dared me to broaden it to include the person I claimed to love most.
Petty bickering, belated honesty, and an 800mile relocation ended our romance, but time, endearment, and an 800-mile distance has sustained our companionship. I’m happy he’s found a partner in New York who delights and irks him while he flourishes professionally, and anytime I upgrade my life – whether visiting a barber instead of cutting my own hair, or buying new clothes that complement my improving physique – I know he is cheering me forward. He was a kindergarten teacher when we met, then taught a classroom of second-grade girls the next year; those young ladies graduated high school this year, and he stayed with me while in Atlanta to surprise several of them at a celebratory brunch. That is the type of educator he is – that type of man, lover, and friend. While we were shopping this weekend, he thanked me for making him a better person, for coaxing him outside his comfort zone and helping him understand how easily calmness overcomes chaos. Both of us emerged from our relationship improved and unbitter, and though we may have been miserable together, I can’t help but consider it a successful love story. January 18, 2019 Columnists 27