Empty Closet, May 2018

ISSUE #522

MAY_ 2018

“I WA N T TH E M TO S E E THAT W E AR E J U ST PE O P L E ” D I S C R I M I N ATI O N A N D A C C O U NTA B I L IT Y I N TR A N S H E A LTH C A R E

HONOR I NG M E NTAL H EALTH AWAR E N E S S MONTH

C E LE B RATI N G M O M S O F ALL K I N D S

D I S C OV E R I N G C O M M U N I T Y

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FEATURES 8

ROWAN COLLINS Editor rowanc@outalliance.org T_ 585-244-9030 ROWAN COLLINS Advertising rowanc@outalliance.org T_585-244-9030

MORE THAN JUST ME:

One local man’s story of health disparities for the transgender community

ALAN ALTMAN Graphic Design www.A3-Design.com

Issue printed by:

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Learn about Rochester’s Mental Health Association and their person-based resources

THE OUT ALLIANCE 100 College Avenue Rochester New York 14607 Monday & Friday 9am–5pm Tuesday–Thursday 9am­–8pm

620 South Ave. Rochester, NY 14620 (585)461-2556

T_

585. 244. 8640 585. 244. 8246 E_ info@outalliance.org www.outalliance.org F_

OUT IN PRINT

29

Would You Rather?

23

A DIFFERENT WORLD:

35

Javi Mason elevates the voices of two local moms as they discuss community, identity, and raising super cool kids

REGULARS

The Out Alliance works to be champions for LGBTQ+ life and culture. We strive to ensure that all members of the LGBTQ+ communities, at all stages of their lives, are free to be fully participating citizens, living lives in which they are safe, stable and fully respected.

SUPPORTING THE MANY FACES OF MENTAL WELLNESS:

4 15 17 18 21 25 26 26 27 34 37 40

GIRLISH: Our interview with

Rochester-born author Lara Lillibridge about her newest book, Girlish: Growing Up in a Lesbian Home

TO THE COM M UNITY ALLIANCE NEWS SAGE NEWS OUTLOOK / 1 CALENDAR OUTLOOK / 2 GNAW ROCS OUT AND ABOUT HISTORY CORNER OUTLOOK / 3 THE SCENE KYLES B&B

CORRECTION: The Empty Closet regrettably ran Justin Hubbell’s “NB Feels” comic on page 20 of April’s issue without proper attribution. The Empty Closet apologizes for this oversight.

NOTES FROM THE EMPTY CLOSET DESK

“I

f your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield In a community that has begun to truly impress the importance of self-care and nurturance of self, it can still be difficult to let go of dearly-held beliefs of self regarding work, worth, contribution, and presence.

As May has approached I’ve tried to think about my own mental health, practices of self-care, and relationship to my productivity-as-worth.

What I’ve realized? I’m doing pretty poorly at it.

This letter is not a public self-admonishment, nor is it an excuse to let myself off the hook. Instead, I see it as a liberation.

Being able to admit that I’m not good at something is a concept I have struggled with my entire life. In fact, it’s part of why I’m not great at practicing self-care; I simply don’t believe I deserve peace and quiet when there is something more that can be done, something that can be mastered.

When I was ten years old, I took guitar lessons. This was something I had been keen on for ages, wanting to be able to produce music that replicated the songs I heard on

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old cassettes in my parents’ rusted Volvo: The Mamas and the Papas, Sex Pistols, Beach Boys, and a tape of 50s jukebox hits I have yet to find again. I struggled to pick up the chords.

My small hands couldn’t quite reach the right frets on my second-hand red lefty Fender Stratocaster. I got frustrated.

I stopped going to lessons.

I’ve carried that same “if I don’t excel I can’t possibly try” mentality for a very long time. When I came out in high school and college I wanted to have every answer to every question. I never wanted to feel caught out – unknowing, unknowledgeable.

This pursuit of consistent excellence has led me to fall short quite a lot. That includes in the ways that I care for myself. How can I enjoy a weekend knowing there are articles and interviews for the Empty Closet to be written?

Emails to answer? Community feedback to acknowledge?

Social media posts to queue? Events to attend?

As I wade through these thoughts and attempt to meet myself in a place that is loving and compassionate, I encourage you – yes, you – to also look at ways you could be more compassionate to yourself.

To paraphrase the lovingly playful ending of all Moritified shows: “We are freaks, we are fragile, and we are all surviving.”

CONTRIBUTORS

RON COOK has a BA in Liberal Arts/ English from SUNY Geneseo and has worked as a teacher and in business & manufacturing. He enjoys photography, the energy of large cities, and art glass. His future plans include doing everything he was too scared to try when he was young.

GRACEN (GRACE) LYNCH s a local blogger and Rochester native, father of two, veteran, and musician. Active member ManKind Project and Mensa. Identifies as “gay,” no gender, pronoun choice irrelevant.

Brockport - BS (math/English, 1989), (computer science, 2005)

DEON YOUNG was born and raised in Brooklyn. Deon made a pact with himself to graduate college, become an advocate, and change the world. He now holds a BSW from UAlbany and works in human services, as well as education on issues in black culture & the trans community.

JAVI MASON is a self-published author,

blogger, podcaster, and poet. They are the creator of “Black Girl with Glasses”, author of “The One Taken from the Sea of Stars”, “The Wrong One”, & “Don’t Look at Me Like That”, and host of “The Bonfire Talks on WAYO 104.3FM

REILLY HIRST foodie from age 7 (when she sautéed zucchini in butter and dill), has lived in many good places to eat: Cape Cod, San Diego, the Bay Area, Portland.

Now in Rochester, she believes that what you taste now is the beginning of a renewed integrated Rochester revolution.

MERLE EXIT a long-time comedian, singer, and actress, writes for several publications as well as hosting an internet radio show, Whirl With Merle, on blogtalkradio.com.

Merle has traveled to more than ¾ of the United States focusing on entertainment and food.

TO READ THE DIGITAL VERSION AND SO MUCH MORE, VISIT WWW.OUTALLIANCE.ORG/EMPTYCLOSET

BOARD OF TRUSTEES

COLLEEN RAIMOND President CHLOE CORCORAN Vice President JEFF LAMBERT Secretary MARTIN MURPHY Treasurer JASON BARNECUT-KEARNS SADY FISCHER MILO PRIMEAUX LUIS ROSARIO-MCCABE DAVID ZONA

JEFFREY MYERS Interim Executive Director JOSHUA STAPF Development Director JEANNIE GAINSBURG Education Director ROWAN COLLINS Communications Director KAYDEN MILLER Education Coordinator OLIVIA PAGE LGBTQ Academy Educator

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MORE THAN JUST ME

JEANA BONACCI-ROTH Administrative Assistant ERIDAN MAEDER SAGE Program Coordinator ANNE TISCHER Outreach Coordinator EVELYN BAILEY Historian

A LOCAL TRANS MAN BRINGS

DISCRIMINATION CASE to URMC

KAT WIGGALL Database Administrator

By ROWAN

COLLINS

Cover and Editorial Photos by KHANG

TRINH

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LAUGHTER, POINTING, JOKING, TAUNTING, MOCKERY, SLURS AND A WIDE VARIETY OF NEGATIVE COMMENTS; VIOLATIONS OF CONFIDENTIALITY, REGARDLESS OF HIPAA8; USE OF IMPROPER NAME AND/OR PRONOUN FOR PATIENT; EXCEPTIONALLY LONG WAITS FOR CARE; INAPPROPRIATE QUESTIONS AND/OR EXAMS, INCLUDING NEEDLESS VIEWING OF GENITALS; PROHIBITIONS OF BATHROOM USE, OR CHALLENGES TO IT; INAPPROPRIATE ROOM ASSIGNMENTS; FAILURE TO FOLLOW STANDARDS OF CARE.

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Examples of inappropriate staff behavior cited by transgender patients in the 2015 survey include:

“This is an action to secure relief for violations of rights guaranteed by the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act § 1557, 42 U.S.C. § 18116 (2012) (“Section 1557”) and the NYS Human Rights Law Section 296(2) which prohibits discrimination in public accommodation in the State of New York.”

According to Lambda Legal, in the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey “33 percent of respondents who had seen a health care provider in the past year reported having at least one negative experience, including being refused treatment, verbal harassment, physical or sexual assault.

Nearly 27% of transgender survey respondents reported being denied needed health care outright because of their transgender status.”

y r o t s y m l l e t o “I want t ’t happen so it doesn ” . e s l e e n o y n a to

ne local transgender man is bringing a case against a Rochester healthcare juggernaut in what he alleges is a direct violation of his rights and a case of discrimination against him based on his gender identity.

Cori Smith, 27, grew up in Penfield and brought a case against URMC in November of 2017, filing pro se – or, without attorney. He brought his story to the Empty Closet once the files were public.

“I want to tell my story so it doesn’t happen to anyone else.” What follows are details from Smith’s case filing and his urging for others to speak up in the face of discrimination. All descriptions are alleged from Smith’s pursuant claim, filed with New York Western District Court, 2nd circuit. URMC did not respond to request for comment at time of print.

Smith was admitted to Highland Hospital on November 9, 2014 with severe abdominal pain. He was due to have a hysterectomy with his OB/GYN provider within weeks of his admittance.

Smith suffered from endometriosis, a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus and causes severe pain, throughout his pubertal and adolescent years, spending most of high school in and out of the hospital. When Smith came out as transgender in his early 20s he says hormone replacement therapy had the positive side-effect of helping quell some of his endo-related pain.

However, after 8 months, Smith was still experiencing “break-through” bleeding, uncommon in transgender men on appropriate doses of testosterone. He set up a hysterectomy with his OB/GYN for late November and secured an appointment for emergency egg retrieval early in the month to hopefully harvest some of his viable eggs before the organs were removed.

For days after the egg removal procedure Smith says he was in such excruciating pain that he eventually insisted on going to the emergency room. The nearest was Highland Hospital.

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g, n i y r c , n i a p Writhing in tion, requesting i s o p l a t e f e n… o i t in th a c i d e m n i a p e r o m r d e t n s a i ’ n p i m d a ‘Hel o t ot N d e s i v d a r .” n o Docto i t a c i d e m n more pai

– Hospital notes state

pon arrival, Smith says was given a bracelet with “Female” marked and an incorrect name of Corrinne, neither of which matched his driver’s license.

After several hours in the ER with no pain management or news of triage, Smith was given an abdominal ultrasound where it was found his ovaries had swollen and were full of cysts.

During his admittance Smith alleges he was referred to by staff as “it” “she” and “they” but not the correct pronoun of “he”, despite multiple attempts by his parents and girlfriend to correct them.

Smith asked if a hysterectomy, oophorectomy, or similar surgery might be necessary and the named Emergency OB/GYN on duty, Dr. Chinedu Nwabuobi, stated he didn’t “feel comfortable aiding in [Smith’s] transition.”

Dr. Nwabuobi allegedly told Smith he had contacted Smith’s primary care doctor when Smith says it was later found no contact was made.

Smith states the two engaged in an argument with Smith impressing that this procedure was not transitionrelated but to ease his endometriosis pain and Dr. Nwabuobi countering that it was cosmetic and did not want to be involved.

According to the lawsuit, Dr. Nwabuobi agreed to do an emergency laparoscopic surgery to untwist an ovary which had torsion. Smith stated at the time that if it looked bad “in there” that everything in the reproductive system should be taken out.

Smith alleges he awoke from the first surgery in considerable pain and was informed one ovary had been removed but not the other. Hospital notes state “[SMITH] was writhing in pain, crying, in the fetal position, requesting ‘help’ and more pain medication…Doctor advised not to administer more pain medication.”

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“Any description, summary or highlights of claims presented herein are for general informational purposes only and do not necessarily imply endorsement of any named party by the Out Alliance.”

In was that evening that Smith says was the worst doctors and to leave their beliefs at the door…and that if by moment of his life. In the suit, he alleges Dr. Nwabuobi some chance it does happen again - I hope the hospital does performed an “unnecessary and inappropriate” transvaginal something about it and reports it. Advocates on behalf of the ultrasound in front of 8 nurses and staff members without a patient. Cares for the patient. I want them to see that we are gown to cover Smith’s body. He says the pain was the most just people.” excruciating of his life, made worse by nurses who were

While he acknowledges that his is a difficult road, it “gawking and laughing” at him as he cried. wasn’t something Smith felt he could pursue until very recently,

“It made me want to die. I couldn’t figure out why they when his mental health and support systems were in a better were all in there like it was some freak show and I was completely place. When speaking with the EC, Smith noted that aspects of exposed. They looked at me like I was disgusting…and I felt his identity afford him certain privileges he may not previously disgusting.” have had – and that some in the trans community will never have:

A second surgery was deemed necessary and

“People don’t tend to see me as a ‘freak’ now, but performed once again by Dr. Nwabuobi. When Smith awoke they did a few years ago. I want to use my voice, one that was this time he says he had poorly-sewn sutures, no bandages, being listened to now, to speak up for all of the trans people and what became an apparent episode of e.coli. who can’t or haven’t been able to come forward […]

Following the second procedure, Smith had multiple

This isn’t what I wanted to be known for. My trans complications – including a bowel obstruction and ileus that status is just out there for anyone to know now. It takes a lot led to a 5-day stay at Strong Hospital after Smith vomited of courage and knowledge that I’m doing it for the right reason, multiple days-worth of dry pills, dry undigested food, and most of all. I hope a hospital never allows for this to go on ever his own fecal matter. After that stay, he says he required atagain. No matter what state. No medical provider should abuse home nurse care and continues to undergo monthly nerve you, neglect you, embarrass you, or refuse to call you by your blocks, trigger point injections, and physical therapy for pain correct gender.” management.

Smith hopes that whatever resolution is reached in

In the interim, Smith alleges his insurance bills were his situation will lead to an increase in awareness, education, bounced because incorrect gender information was input, and accountability: leading to an accumulation of unpaid debt. When he called

“I hope this situation can help stop some of the issues to correct the mistake, an operator asked why he couldn’t just trans people face in healthcare facilities as well. From smaller “change your gender back so we can bill you?” missteps of gender pronouns, to much larger discrimination

“It’s frustrating to go into medical facilities and still situations like mine - these medical facilities should be aware see forms that are erasing identity or don’t give any room for of the seriousness of the situations at hand. Misgendering can complexity.” lead to depression, increased anxiety, and can push someone

He says the tentative date for a hearing is this coming to suicide.

August.

I hope this means healthcare facilities, providers,

“I wish I could forget this entire thing, but I’m not doctors, nurses, secretaries will take our lives more seriously. allowed to forget. I will be dealing with the after-effects of this To take these situations more seriously. And not allow them to for the rest of my life. And filing means that I’ll have to keep continue to be repeated.” talking about it and remembering it, but I can’t let them get away with this. I don’t want other trans people who have been treated the way I was to think If you feel you have been mistreated in a medical facility they’re powerless.” because of your gender identity, gender expression, or trans

When asked why he chose to file status, there are resources that can help you. Consider the case when he did, three years after the contacting Empire Justice Center LGBT Rights Project or Legal incident, Smith replied simply: “I feel like they Assistance of Western New York if you are looking for legal failed me. This is the scariest thing I’ve done in advice about your rights. Please visit HealthCareBillofRights. my life but everyone from front-line to specialist org and lambdalegal.org/know-your-rights/article/transstaff need to know how to be respectful – this health-provider-discrimination-faq to learn more about your should be simple!” rights as a patient and health care consumer. Seeking help can feel daunting but you are not alone. Call or stop by the Out

“I don’t want this to just be a story Alliance LGBTQ Resource Center for referrals, resources, or about what happened to me. I want it to be simply a safe place to exist. educational, impactful, and create change. I want doctors to remember why they became

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COMMUNITY PROFILE: MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION

Located at 320 Goodman Street North, Suite 202 in Rochester’s Neighborhood of the Arts and tucked into the Village Gate Square, The Mental Health Association’s main office and support center houses an immense system of resources for anyone seeking mental wellness. For over 80 years, the MHA has served Rochester and surrounding areas – including satellite locations in Warsaw and Canandaigua.

John Hogan, MHA Peer Support Manager and Out Alliance volunteer, told the Empty Closet about some of their programs:

“We have so many initiatives to provide support for as many people as possible. We provide self-help drop-ins, education and training, employment and family support, life skills, and peer navigation.

That’s just the surface of what we provide to anyone in need.”

The Self-Help Drop-In on the corner of South Avenue and Hamilton Street describes itself as “just what you need” if “it’s not an emergency room situation yet, but if you don’t find someone to talk to it could be.” Open seven days a week from 5-9pm, with no referrals or appointments necessary, its services are truly lifesaving.

Employment support provides work incentives, benefits advisement counseling, skill-building opportunities, job search assistance, and group training to ensure individuals who are employed or seeking gainful employment have all the necessary encouragement and resources.

Life Skills is a unique set of workshops and events intended to assist individuals on their journey to mental wellness. Through workshops such as “Choices in Recovery”, “Overcoming Fear”, “Writing to Heal”, and “Money Management”, the program aims to enrich the “tool box” of those who are working through recovery.

Peer support and navigation are Hogan’s department – literally. MHA will work to match you with a peer that will “work with you on a one-to-one basis to help you ensure your basic needs.”

“Peer support can include things like making sure the person has food in their fridge, helping them with benefits issues like food stamps or social security, going with them to DHS appointments, providing support with utility and landlord issues…it’s support for all the small things that can be hard for someone who is working on their mental wellness.”

The Mental Health Association also provides ‘Creative Wellness Opportunities’ – services that can include healing arts, meditation, yoga, painting, music, support groups, community connections, and more.

A full listing of their extensive services, events, and groups can be found at mharochester.org/calendar. An impressive resource guide called “Finding Your Way” can be found at mharochester.org/ finding-your-way-guide.

Behind the wide-ranging programs and opportunities at the Mental Health Association five guiding values that propel the mission and vision of the organization:

“We believe that mental health is something that affects us all – that achieving mental wellness requires work, and that over time, everyone moves between different points along the continuum of mental wellness.”

We believe that all people have strengths and that each individual is ultimately his/her best advocate in preparing for lasting mental wellness.

We believe that people who have experienced mental illness are uniquely qualified to assist those struggling with mental health issues.

We believe that mental illness is an illness, like any other.

Our programs work to overcome that stigma that often accompanies mental illness and seek to recognize mental illness as something that is common and treatable.

We believe in the importance of accurate information in seeking lasting mental health. Our agency publishes several reference manuals that contain practical current information about mental health services available in our community.”

Find the MHA at mharochester.org and 585-325-3145.

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Lunch and Hidden Herstory”

The kickoff lunch will be TH U R S DAY, MAY 3rd and continue each F I R ST TH U R S DAY into the future.

Marshals ANNOUNCED !!!!!

GRAND MARSHAL

HONORARY GRAND MARSHALS

Peter Mohr

Arlisha Massey

Our Volunteer of the Month for May is Susan Papa! Readers may know Susan from our front desk, where she works Friday mornings and fills in for other volunteers when they are sick or have an emergency.

Always known for her willingness to help at a moments’ notice and welcoming presence, Susan brings a fantastic sense of humor and care to everything she does at the Alliance.

Susan holds a degree in biochemistry and has worked as a biochemist in cancer research, quality, and pharmaceutical research at the American Health Foundation, Bausch and Lomb, and others. She has volunteered at hospices, her three (now grown) children’s schools, and for various philanthropic events.

Susan says she got involved as a volunteer after the 2016 presidential election when she felt ignorance and hatred now had a larger platform than ever before. “At the time I was truly fearful for the safety of my son.”

Photo by: Gerry Szymanski

Susan Papa

Ready for a new spin on lunch and learn? JOIN LORA (Lesbians of Rochester and Allies) in their new initiative, Women’s Lunch, the first Thursday of every month at the Out Alliance LGBTQ+ Resource Center from 11:30am-1:30pm (or any amount of time in between that you can spare!)

Lunch will be accompanied by hidden herstory and relevant topics focused on women’s issues and interest. All ages are welcome and encouraged to attend. A suggested price of $3 for lunch is asked of attendees, with great care considered to those for whom the price may be prohibitive. Give more if you can, less if you cannot.

2018

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VOLUNTEER OF THE MONTH

ALLIANCE NEWS Alliance introduces new monthly “Women’s

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Susan and her husband, Dr. Lou Papa at our February Major Donor Reception

“I needed to put that energy into action, and in some small way, with volunteering here, I felt I was making a difference. What I love about this organization is, of course, the uplifting and dedicated souls that work here! I love interacting with everyone who walks through our door. I learn from everyone here every day, and my time here has been a gift!!”

We would like to thank Susan for her amazing work and commitment to the Out Alliance and the LGBTQ+ community!

Carlos Merriweather

Check back next month for more about our fabulous marshals and the work they do for our community!

PROGRAM SPOTLIGHT:

GALLERY Q:

Trans Community Dinner

Eric Bellmann

“I wanted to share these works with my community.

JUST THIS: DRAWINGS, WATERCOLORS, ETC. It is often difficult or near-impossible to exhibit male nudity 40 years, 40+ works and the opportunity to do so here with Gallery Q and the Out An exciting, one-of-a-kind exhibition opens in May at Gallery Q. JUST THIS is Eric Bellman’s first showAlliance is tremendous,” Bellman said. in 20 years and is comprised of male imagery produced over a 40-year time span, most of which have not been previously exhibited.

Bellman is a multi-award-winning artist and has taught in numerous colleges and districts across WNY and PA and retired as RIT’s Chairperson on Art, Design and Crafts in the College of Continuing Education. His work is in the collections of the Memorial Art Gallery, JCC Rochester, NYC Leslie Lohman Museum of Gay and Lesbian Art, Charleston Art Gallery, Rank-Xerox, Charles Rand Penny Collection, and more. He has been exhibited in Paris, Los Angeles, New York, North Dakota, and along the eastern seaboard.

F I R ST F R I DAY O P E N I N G a nd A RT I ST TA L K : M O N DAY, M AY 4 t h f r o m 6 – 9 p m a t G ALLE RY Q .

JUNE PREVIEW

PAT COLLINS

A Variety of Expressions First Friday opening: Friday, June 1, 6–9 pm at Gallery Q.

Every third Tuesday of the month, the Out Alliance LGBTQ+ Resource Center fills up with laughter and the tell-tale sounds of food being enjoyed.

The All-Ages Transgender Social Gathering and Dinner began as an initiative from the Trans35 Plus program, a social and support group for folks in the trans community who are 35 and up. The idea was to share a simple monthly meal as community and spend time together around the table.

The monthly event has grown in size over the past few months and provides a warm, safe place for trans people of all ages and identities to meet, catch up, and enjoy food.

“The idea was very organic and came from a place of community…people

wanted to see each other every month. And then came the idea to open it to all ages so the generations could blend together,” said Eridan Maeder, Out Alliance SAGE Coordinator and Tangent and T Minus 35 (the Out Alliance’s trans and gender expansive youth group and 20-35 group) coordinator. “It’s really great to see familiar faces each month but even more exciting to see new people take a chance and join us, too.”

The monthly meeting also offers the opportunity to support local businesses.

Food provided comes from a variety of locations, often changing each month to keep taste buds happy. March’s dinner was catered by Sister’s Soul Food, locally owned and operated by members of the community.

JOIN the DINNER STOP BY THE OUT ALLIANCE LGBTQ+ RESOURCE CENTER EVERY THIRD TUESDAY from 7:00p.m. to 8:30p.m.

This month’s dinner is on May 15th.

Spread the word and invite your friends!

Questions? Looking for more information? Please call 244-8640 or email Eridan at erim@outalliance.org

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SAGE PROFILE Call to Connect

This month’s SAGE spotlight shines on our Call to Connect program. Call to Connect, an innovative initiative underway this spring, connects individuals who are unable to attend community events and programs with volunteers who will call them regularly to provide friendship, connection, and socialization.

CTC is a supervised volunteer service that provides regular telephone calls to homebound or isolated LGBTQ seniors and disabled persons. The reach of CTC does not stop there – “If you’re remote, shy, or maybe have bad transportation at any age or ability, Call to Connect is for you!” says Outreach Coordinator, Anne Tischer.

The program works to alleviate some of the loneliness those who live alone or far from social supports can face, and helps those individuals remain independent. CTC has been designed specifically to support LGBTQ+ people in a culturally affirming way.

“All of our volunteer callers are vetted, trained in inclusive and affirming language, and are then matched with participating members based on common interests,” adds Eridan Maeder, SAGE Coordinator. “This program allows us to work with people we would normally not be able to see at our Center or other events.”

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WEEKLY EVENT REMINDERS TUESDAYS

1. BECOME A MEMBER! A. Members are individuals over 50 years of age or who may be homebound or socially isolated but wish to continue an independent lifestyle.

B. CTC provides the opportunity to socialize by telephone with someone who truly cares. It allows individuals to keep in contact with their community and reduces feelings of isolation and loneliness.

C. Contact Eridan at erim@outalliance.org or 585. 244. 8640 x23 to enroll.

2. BECOME A VOLUNTEER CALLER! A. Volunteers are first vetted and trained, then call their member match-ups at specified times each week.

B. CTC needs volunteers who have time to place short phone calls to help brighten someone’s day and keep community members connected. Calls can be made from a volunteer’s home or from the Out Alliance CTC phone site.

C. Contact Eridan (see info above) to sign up as a volunteer.

3. REFER A FRIEND, NEIGHBOR, OR RELATIVE TO CTC! A. If you know a loved one who needs connection and would benefit from the Call to Connect program, contact Eridan to receive more information on the program and enrollment opportunities.

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OUTLOOK

A Letter of Thanks from A Proud Gay “Son”

SENIOR YOGA WITH TOM 10:30–11:30am, $5

By DEON

LUNCH & LEARN

YOUNG

11:30am–1:30pm, $3, catered lunch & speaker

THURSDAYS

SENIOR YOGA WITH TOM 10:30–11:30am, $5

1ST & 3RD THURSDAYS

SENIORS IN SERVICE

H O W Y O U C A N G E T I N V O LV E D

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11:30am–1:30pm, light lunch and volunteer activities

2 ND & 4 TH WEDNESDAYS

50+ MEN’S GROUP 6:30–8pm, Topical discussions

2 ND THURSDAYS

BREAKFAST CLUB @Jefferson Rd. Denny’s, 9:00–10:30am, RSVP Gerry 585. 730. 8772

3 RD FRIDAYS

PRIDE IN AGING 2:30–4pm, speakers and resources to help you “age in place”

LAST FRIDAYS

FABULOUS FISH FRY! 5:30pm, location varies, RSVP: Audet 585. 287. 2958 or aprice002@aol.com (events at Out Alliance LGBTQ Resource Center unless otherwise noted)

See May’s calendar on page 21 for this month’s special events!

Dear Summer Mom

i

’ve been reflecting. A lot. I’ve come to this unavoidable conclusion: there aren’t enough words or conversations we could have. Only everlasting ones to make up for the emptiness and lack of your presence these past years.

I miss you, mom. I miss you, dad. I wish we had more moments. But the memories are so.... breathtaking. That first computer, every outfit on my days after Christmas with you. Every. Moment.

I look back and think - could I have been better. The truth is: no.

Maybe that means communicating by letter as we read and drink our morning beverages. I’m not sure if you still drink the same Salada tea or if you’ve moved on.

You listened. I’ve never had anyone listen to me. And that is the biggest thing I can take away from our temporarily permanent life together. Where you knew it was a ticking clock – every day I would dream it to last an eternity. I’m not too sure if you entirely loved the tangents - you stayed and listened.

My breath was taken away. I felt like I couldn’t say enough to you.

Every tangent that ran through my head in those evening talks, when I would sneak in a couple extra hours of your time - even though secretly I knew those were the only times you had peace. For that I do apologize to you.

I exhausted you. I wish this is not the feeling I gave you - but what would Deon be if not exhausting. I know. Amazing. I would always feel chained. That’s what it truly feels like. Though you’ve told me over and over again that staying put is a good thing, for me it’s entrapment.

Mom, I know I’m nowhere near the end - you opened my cage.

I’m emotional at this point - but I need to go on. I’m so glad you listened. I am so glad you showed me everything you did.

You and Dad and everyone: I hope I did not disappoint anyone.

My family did a really big number on me, “Summer Mom”. It takes a toll and I’m beginning to reflect back on those memories as well.

Why did she treat me so differently? Why, even today, is my own company what I prefer?

My mom took a lot from me. Those moments where I was forced into a corner- those were the moments I’d seek out my imagination.

Summer Mom, you gave root and sustenance to my imagination.

Thank you. There aren’t enough words. Which is why I am writing this letter -- hand-written.

I really hope you are proud of me. I’m proud of me.

Enclosed is the UAlbany sweatshirt you bought me. When you bought it for me you said: “I want that back as a gift.” I remembered. I always have.

Mom, I understand that at this moment I don’t get to have your time.

Those long 3-hour scrabble games-turned-Deon-ranting-aboutsomething times. I can imagine myself talking and only feeling your eyes on me, your attention on me. It felt like I mattered. I was wanted.

I was loved.

So here’s the sweat shirt. Proof that I accomplished some of my biggest dreams because of you.

And here’s to us, mom. May we kick the rest of this life’s ass. One day I will be able to show you all my “good grades.”

I think I am doing well. And every day I am finding myself. And every day I think: Barbara gave me that. The ultimate gift…what freedom should be compared to.

So many of your wise phrases run though my head every single day, and I try so hard to budge just a little from the daydream those moments drag me into.

Sincerely,

Your Summer Son

E M P T Y

C L O S E T | May 2018 | 19

OUT IN PRINT:

You’rE late!

WOULD YOU RATHER? / A Memoir of Growing Up and Coming Out Reviewed by TERRI

2018 HUMAN RIGHTS CAMPAIGN

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NY DINNER SATURDAY, MAY 19, 2018 Program Participants

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Speaker: Chad Griffin, HRC President

Special Guest: Sarah McBride, HRC National Press Secretary

Comedian: Dana Goldberg

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SCHLICHENMEYER

By KATIE

HEANEY

c.2018

Oops, you overslept, got caught in traffic, the elevator was Ballantine Books slow. Phone lines were down, email was down. You forgot, and you’re $16.00 USA late, sorry. Or, as in the new book “Would You Rather?” by Katie $22.00 Canada Heaney, your understanding was just a bit delayed.

256 pages

Where do you go when you’re looking for love?

For Katie Heaney, it was, well, pretty much anywhere. She’d always wanted a boyfriend and she’d had lots of crushes in her life but she was never meaningfully kissed. At age twenty-one, she went to Madrid for a semester with the hopes of meeting someone, but there were only seven men in the group of a hundred students.

In Spain, though, after binge-streaming The L Word and falling for Shane, she began to think that maybe she might be a lesbian. Musing, she messaged her best friend, who let Heaney talk it out and decide that there was a big MAYBE involved.

Even so, she never saw herself with a girlfriend.

She grew up in the cold of Minnesota, had planned on spending the rest of her life close to home, and moved into an apartment near Minneapolis with her straight best friend but that was too cozy-comfy. Heaney on-and-off flirted with the possibly being gay and she met a woman who was, no question, lesbian, which made her decide to shake herself out of her complacency. She visited New York, and then moved there.

Being in The Big Apple was a big deal, but Heaney remained frustratingly dateless. By age twenty-four, everyone she knew had dated and she began blogging about it, she wrote a book, and she noticed that that affected the way men acted toward her. Four years later, her “attraction to men was just… gone” and picturing herself with a woman came “pretty easily,” which was all it seemed to take: shortly thereafter, Heaney met Lydia online, and her almost-thirtyyear dating desert became an oasis. She not only imagined herself with a woman, she was with a woman and nothing felt more right.

And now, says Heaney, “I am living with the best roommate I have ever had.”

Sometimes funny, sometimes self-depreciatingly cringeworthy, “Would You Rather?” is a refreshing change over the I’veknown-since-I-was-a-child LGBTQ memoirs. Readers may also notice that it’s a bit overboard.

Author Katie Heaney writes of her journey with a charming awkwardness that endears her to any reader who’s ever felt as though the different drummer they’re marching to is actually playing the bongos: same beat, different crowd. This book will resonate with all who feel left behind in a world where peers are hooked up solid, and frustration mixes with indecisiveness mixes with selfquestioning. Once readers have gotten to the happy not-quite-ending, though, Heaney continues to examine her situation which, while it doesn’t completely ruin the books’ earlier allure, bruises the story somewhat.

Still, this book is worthy, if nothing but for its unique coming-out POV. For that, “Would You Rather?” fits perfectly for memoir-lovers, Heaney fans, and those who bloom late.

20 | May 2018 | E M P T Y

MAY EVENTS

Wednesday, May 2

OUT IN THE STICKS: Batavia Meetup at GoArt! 6-8pm, 201 E Main St Batavia 14020. Pizza Party! Table topics, film shorts & tall tales. annet@outalliance.org

Thursday, May 3

LORA WOMEN’S LUNCH & HERSTORY HIGHLIGHTS: 11:30am–1:30pm. All ages welcome. Programs focused on women’s issues and interests. $3.

Friday, May 4

GALLERY Q ERIC BELLMANN, JUST THIS: Watercolors, Drawings, etc, 40 years, 40+ works opening reception and artist talk - 6–9 pm, drinks and snacks provided

C L O S E T

E M P T Y

COMMUNITY CALENDAR

Sunday, May 20

“LET IT RIDE” Fundraiser - 4–8pm, Avenue Pub, 522 Monroe Ave, 14607. A fundraiser for the Out Alliance and Trillium Health. Games of chance and luck with lots of chances to win prizes! Come by and try your luck!

Monday, May 21

INQUEERY PRESENTS: ‘Roc n Roll Bingo’ Drag Queen Bingo with Vivian Darling, DeeDee Dubois & Samantha Vega Doors 6:30pm, games begin 7pm, Record Archive, 21+ event, $5 donation at the door

Tuesday, May 22

INQUEERY MOVIE NIGHT OUT: “Milk” 7–9pm, free admission, drinks and snacks available

C L O S E T | May 2018 | 21

Got an event next month? Submit it to rowanc@outalliance.org before May 10th for inclusion in June’s calendar.

Tuesday, May 1

*SPECIAL PREVIEW* Saturday, June 2

Friday, May 4

EVERY SATURDAY

AFTY (Adult Families of Trans Youth) 5:30–6:30pm, Open Arms MCC, 707 E Main St, Rochester NY 14605. Facilitated discussion and social group to provide the families of trans* adolescents with a safe forum, shared network of support, and central hub of knowledge and resources.

ART FOR ACTION Hungerford United – 5–9pm, Hungerford Building, 1115 E Main St, Rochester NY 14609. An event where artists create art for a cause. Each studio picks a local non-profit or charity to raise money for. Check out all the studios and their causes at bit.ly/A4AMay

ROCHESTER WOMEN’S COMMUNITY CHORUS 40TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT How Can I Keep from Singing? / 7:30–10:30pm, The Harley School, celebrating 40 years of the RWCC with hits spanning four decades. ASL interpreted and wheelchair accessible. Tickets at rwcc.ticketleap.com

THE REPAIR SHOP 5:30–6:30pm, Out Alliance LGBTQ Resource Center. An open AA meeting in a safe space for all, meeting has an evolving weekly format. Open to all - LGBTQ and allies.

SERVICES

EQUALITY DAY IN ALBANY – bus leaves Out Alliance at 5:30am, returns 5:30pm. Lobby your government with 40+ LGBTQ orgs from across the state. Free transportation and food.

Register (pay what you can) at: bit.ly/AdvocacyDayNY

Saturday, May 5

OUT IN THE STICKS: DANSVILLE MEETUP: 5–7pm, Jack’s Gaslight Inn, good food good company – contact annet@outalliance.org

ROCHESTER ACTIVISM FAIR 11am–2pm, Visual Studies Workshop, 31 Prince St, Rochester NY 14607, free and open to the public. Meet and connect with local activist organizations.

DIGNITY/INTEGRITY Sundays, 5pm, 17 South Fitzhugh Street May 6: Episcopal Eucharist with healing service May 13 & 20: Catholic Liturgy May 27: No Service. Memorial Day Picnic at Powder Mill Park

Wednesday, May 9

Thursday, May 24

Friday, May 11

OPEN ARMS METROPOLITAN COMMUNITY CHURCH Sundays, 10:30am, 707 E Main St May 6: Teen/Tween Sunday School, concurrent to service May 6: 12–1pm: Spring Clean Up

Tuesday, May 8

INQUEERY MOVIE NIGHT OUT: “Carol” – 7–9pm, free admission, drinks and snacks available

Wednesday, May 23

LORA DRUMMING CIRCLE MEETUP at Mystic Treasures – 6:30–9pm, RSVP at Cobb’s Hill Drum Circle on Meetup, annet@outalliance.org or 585.244.8640 x23

Saturday, May 12

Friday, May 25

SAGE, Call to Connect Volunteer Training Class 10:00am–1:00pm. Includes lunch. RSVP to Anne Tischer annet@outalliance.org

ROC YOUTH U DJ DANCE: 7–10pm, free and open to youth 13–20, you bring the music!

Tuesday, May 15

Sunday, May 27

Wednesday, May 16

Monday, May 28

ALL-AGES TRANSGENDER SOCIAL GATHERING AND DINNER: 7–8:30pm, free catered social dinner, all are welcome!

SAGE HAPPY HOUR: at the Bachelor Forum, 670 University Ave. 14607 – 5–7pm, all are welcome. Drink specials & pizza. annet@outalliance.org INQUEERY PRESENTS: PrEP 101 - 7–8pm, LGBTQ Resource Center, learn about the future of HIV prevention with Trillium!

Thursday, May 17

OUT ALLIANCE ANNUAL MEETING: 5:30–7:30pm, Three Heads Brewing, join us to hear about the last year and what is in store for the future

For weekly, monthly, and ongoing events, see our ongoing calendar!

OUT ALLIANCE BIG QUEER PROM FUNDRAISER: 2pm – ? 140 Alex Bar & Grill, 140 Alexander St, 14607. All are welcome!

MEMORIAL DAY: Out Alliance LGBTQ Resource Center closed

Wednesday, May 30

INQUEERY PRESENTS: ‘The Intersection of Queer & Disabled’ 7–8pm, with Ericka Jones of Center for Disability Rights (rescheduled from February)

SAVE THE DATE:

JUNE 2, BIG QUEER PROM: 7–10pm, MLK Square Park, youth@outalliance.org

Keep up to date with new events follow us on Facebook @OutAllianceRoc

(all events at LGBTQ Resource Center unless otherwise noted)

|

See our online community calendar at: bit.ly/RocLGBTQCal

See page 16 for ongoing SAGE event information

AMBUSH ROCHESTER (“the hottest event for LGBTQ+ women in Rochester”) Takeover #52 / 6–9pm, Comedy @ The Carlson, 50 Carlson Rd, Rochester, NY 14610. @AmbushRochester for details.

Tuesday, May 15

TRANSPARENT ROCHESTER MEETING 6:30–8pm, Out Alliance LGBTQ Resource Center. TransParent provides connection and support to parents raising a gender independent or transgender child of any age.

Contact rochester.ny@transparentusa.org with questions

Saturday, May 19

HRC WESTERN NY SPRING DINNER AND GALA CELEBRATION 6pm, Rochester Riverside Convention Center, tickets available at one.bidpal.net/hrcwny/ticketing

Sunday, May 20

DRAG BRUNCH seatings at 11:30am and 2pm, Edibles Restaurant, 704 University Ave, Rochester NY 14607, featuring Aggy Dune, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Darienne Lake, and Wednesday Westwood. $27 includes brunch & show, call 585-271-4910 or ediblesrochester.com to reserve your seat.

All events listed are provided by groups and organizations outside of the Out Alliance and are accurate to the best of our ability.

THIRD PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH Sundays, 8:30am & 10:45am, 4 Meigs Street May 6: 12–1:30pm: Exploring Membership Luncheon, learn about our affirming church and ask any questions you may have

22 | May 2018 | E M P T Y

C L O S E T

E M P T Y

How Two Mothers are Raising Their Trans Kids

A DIFFERENT

WORLD

REENAH & JAHMAL GOLDEN

C L O S E T | May 2018 | 23

By: JAVI MASON

DINA LYNN & SAMMY

R

ochester native Reenah Oshun Golden was twenty-one when she introduced her only child, Jahmal Golden, to the world.

“It was still a bit surprising for me since I was such a late bloomer and was so preoccupied with my own interests that I had still never really been in a relationship,” recalled the renowned artist/ community activist. “I was pretty inexperienced in love when Jahmal was conceived but it was love at first sight when I discovered my little bump was in there!”

Golden is one of numerous mothers who will be celebrated on Mother’s Day on May 13. Though her now 23-year-old child has exhibited gratitude towards her regularly (Jahmal dedicated their upcoming poetry collection to her), this particular holiday offers the opportunity for Golden to be showered with appreciation for another reason. Jahmal identifies as a femme gender non-conforming trans individual, which Golden realized when they came out to her while visiting from college. Rather than disown her child (as most parents would have done), she turned to LGBTIQA family members and allies for support.

“It’s actually very different,” Golden explained. “The personal relationship supersedes the political or social knowledge. I had to learn how to support Jahmal. I’m still learning.”

Professor and local activist Dina Lynn would concur with Golden’s statement. “I have done graduate work in the areas of sexuality and gender identity,” said the mother of Sammy, a 10-year-old trans girl. “I worked closely with the Rainbow Center at my graduate school.

I have long had friends in the LGBTQIA community. I felt, emotionally, I had the tools to support my child. But I didn’t know a lot about law or pediatric medicine as they intersect for gender-variant young people, so I did have some learning to do in those areas. I still do, as both will change as she ages.”

REENAH & JAHMAL GOLDEN

Self-education is only one avenue these two mothers took to act as accomplices for their children. Golden and Dina Lynn also understood the significance of honest self-reflection on their own expectations and missteps regarding their individual offspring.

After Jahmal came out, Golden initially struggled with the fear for their safety as a trans person as well as the grief of losing a son— something that she still wrestles with. Dina Lynn herself remembered the day Sammy affirmed her pronouns and why she withheld this information from her parents previously.

“One of our family friends asked her about her preferred pronouns,” she stated. “My husband and I hadn’t done that. It’s hard, in hindsight, to think we never talked about it with her, but we really didn’t. She asked to be affirmed with female pronouns that day. I asked her on the way home if she was a girl. She told me she was. I asked her why she had never told us before. She told me she had thought we would get mad.”

Nevertheless, Golden and Dina Lynn have become prominent advocates for their children, employing their knowledge and community activism to encourage Sammy and Jahmal to live authentically and without regret. As a result, both children have grown into strong, independent leaders in their own right. While Jahmal is currently studying art in Africa, Sammy is active in Girl Scouts and Girls Rock! Rochester, a non-profit Rock and Roll camp for girls. Their two young people would not be the confident people they are today without the unconditional love of their mothers.

“Our job,” Golden reminded, “is to love and protect and create space for them to become who they are, not who we want them to be.”

24 | May 2018 | E M P T Y

OUTLOOK When I was a little girl... wait

by Jack Lesser

when I was a little girl wait a little um I don’t know when I was young I never felt much like a girl or a boy I just felt like me but I didn’t think that was unusual or different I thought everyone felt that way that gender was just an idea a word not a feeling when I was a teenager I was teased by a friend for not being enough of a girl and it hurt not because I felt I was a girl but because everyone said I was so I must be when I got to college I learned about being nonbinary for the first time the idea that people could be in the middle or outside fascinated me and I didn’t know why soon I realized that I wasn’t just fascinated I was entranced I wanted to live in this magical space in between but outside I wanted to feel like I could be me without having to say I’m a girl and this is what girls do and without denying the times I felt more like a boy I started to transition when I was 21 and my wings that had for so long been stuck to my back opened up and for the first time I flew I flew into the sky where I could be whoever I wanted to be and I could explore myself in ways I had never had space to on earth

C L O S E T

E M P T Y

GNAW ROCS: LOVE HANDLES: I Mean Cakes STEVE’S ORIGINAL DINER / 1694 Penfield Road Penfield,

The Original Steve’s Diner (cuz there’s another one?) is a carb lover’s dream. If you love french toast, waffles, or most especially, pancakes, there is no fear that you will leave hungry. In fact, you will take away boxes knowing full well it is futile as such things never travel well.

First: finding it. You are driving on Penfield Road, you see a Delta Sonic on your left. Soon there is a small strip mall. Steve’s is in the center. When you walk in, you wait to be seated. Likely, if you have shown up at the usual breakfast hour, there is a wait. The hostess looks harried trying to seat everyone, and the waitresses look like the calm professionals they are -- capable every moment of handling the crisis that is daily service.

The menu looks like a normal size menu but is pack-full of items. There’s also the separate Love Cakes menu containing more than 20 Love Cake options, which just happens to also have 15+ varieties of Eggs Benedict on the back.

For breakfast, the usual suspects live on Steve’s menu.

Omelets, egg combinations, frittatas, egg sandwiches, in almost every category. One of my favorite egg specialties is the Village Style, which includes eggs with EEVO, lemon, oregano, and feta. I get them poached, but they could be scrambled. It comes out with home fries and toast.

COMBOS INCLUDE THE STEVE’S AND THE MAX PLATE: Steve’s Special $6.95 Two eggs, choice of bacon, patties, links sausage or ham steak and/or large pancakes, French toast or sub. waffle for $1.00

The Max Plate $7.95 Three eggs, choice of four bacon, three links, three sausage patties or ham steak and/or two large pancakes, three French toast or sub. waffle for $1.00

The french toast (including gluten-free) includes varieties such as challah, pumpkin bread, banana nut, cinnamon swirl and one I definitely enjoyed - stuffed NY cheesecake french toast - to name a sampling.

Then there are the Love Cakes. Each one is bigger than a plate. Like a great Szechuan restaurant that warns you about any heat above mild, they warn you if you try to order more than one of these.

Would you like them with chocolate chips? Blueberries? Sausage? As cannoli? That last one has been my dream. It’s $6.95, has 3 pancakes each filled with a tube of cannoli cream, and looks like more than probably two could finish. But I want it.

The little touches have extra care too. The table has regular half & half as well as Irish creamer, hazelnut, and vanilla. The jellies on the table are the good ones (blackberry, peach, marmalade, mixed berry.)

There are even second-wave coffee flavors like Jamaican Me Crazy.

Lunch is also available. It includes burgers, wraps, mozzarella sticks, gyros, clubs, melts, - the usual WNY diner suspects - except, like the breakfast menu, more, and at good prices. Downsides, besides needing to acquire a new belt? They shouldn’t bother to carry biscuits and gravy; boring gravy and bad biscuits. But really, you had me at Love Cake.

C L O S E T | May 2018 | 25

OUT AND ABOUT: Eating My Way Through Bellingham,

PART ONE

By MERLE

EXIT

Most people head for Seattle, while missing out on the suburbs such as the city of Bellingham, taking in the foods of the land. I start in the historic town of Fairhaven where I view the Farmer’s Market directly across the street from the Fairhaven Village Inn. Twenty two quaint rooms that overlook the surrounding Boulevard Park and boardwalk, owned by Connie and Gene Shannon: www. fairhavenvillageinn.com

Onto Chrysalis Inn and Spa, on Tenth Street, which overlooks the waterfront. It is not only a great place to stay but dine. Great to notice that the wedding page shows two men: www.thechrysalisinn.com

Dirty Dan Harris and his sidekick tells us all about the history of his discovery, then it’s on to a Dessert Crawl of five restaurants. We walked off about a calorie or two as Dirty shares some great stories of Fairhaven’s port and who he is. He continues to accompany us as we continue at the Farmer’s Market area and meet Dirty’s bronze replica.

Next morning, we sailed to the most northeastern of the San Juan Islands. Food became an adventure for me boarding the 50-foot Happy Talk yacht destined for Lummi Island with its population of about 800. Captain Charlie DeWeese, of Sail Away Charters, informed us that his crab pots had captured our lunch.

Another boat trip was Bellair Charters where Shonie Schlotzhauer shared information about a 48-page brochure that she had written: Sustainable Connections Whatcom Food & Farm Finder, which allows consumers to easily find 132 farms, markets, restaurants, and caterers that are dedicated to food locally produced in Whatcom County. The adventurous itinerary that followed certainly allowed for experiencing this phenomenon.

Our next stop was to Everybody’s Store (www.everybodys. com) in the town of Van Zandt, located in the foothills of Mt. Baker. Jeff Margolis, who originated from Brooklyn, gave us a tour of this exotic grocery, noted for its specialty cheeses, custom made sausages and selections of international ingredients. The surprise was finding true białys, something that tend to be a New York find. After some cheese tasting we were taken to the back for a tour of the garden of fruits, vegetables and herbs. This was followed by further noshes of the garden’s berries and a few other tidbits to sustain us until our next venue.

Cloud Mountain Farm Center (www.cloudmountainfarmcenter. org) is in the town of Everson. What began as an apple orchard has turned into a 20-acre farm with a multitude of fruits, vegetables, herbs and flowers. I slowly hiked up the mountain to check out the hothouses of tomatoes and peppers. Most of the tomatoes are heirloom with a variety of sizes and colors, all of which sported a different flavor. More of a sampling would be done during dinner as Josh, the Executive Chef of Nimbus, laced his bill of fare around this and a few other local farms.

The wine grape vines were for show at this point as the growth had not blossomed yet. However, our next stop was to the Samson Estate Winery. To be continued…

ART& TREASURES

// _ [By]: Evelyn Bailey

ROCHESTER'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS GARAGE SALE

RE-HOME & REPURPOSE ARTWORK AND MORE...

FREE SALE DAYS

Friday & Saturday, June 8 & 9, 10 AM–4 PM Sunday, June 10 (Bargain day), noon–3 PM Browse and buy used antiques, jewelry, china, porcelain, silver, crystal, linens, pottery, housewares, furniture, original artwork and books.

EARLY BIRD NIGHT

$10 at the door

Thursday, June 7, 6–8 PM: Shop ahead of the crowd!

DONATIONS MAY BE DROPPED OFF: JUNE 4 (1–4 PM) | JUNE 5–6 (10–4 PM)

UNABLE TO DROP OFF DONATIONS? EMAIL MARY LISA (msissonhoweandrusling.com) OR BONNIE (bvoll77@rochester.rr.com.)

ALL DONATIONS ARE TAX-DEDUCTIBLE

Presented by the Gallery Council with support from Wegmans and Champion Moving & Storage.

MAG.ROCHESTER.EDU

585.276.8910

Support MAG • Connect Friends • Celebrate Art

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS: Amanda & Katharina’s Interview Series

WHERE THE IDEA FOR AN INTERVIEW SERIES CAME FROM: Amanda Cole and Katharina Jackson will bring you monthly interviews of kickass LGBTQ+ community members, starting in April. They both work in the service industry in Rochester and are frequently seen behind the bar. Here’s what they had to say, and how you can get involved.

Unfortunately, the two of us have never had the privilege of working together. We frequently find ourselves getting together after our shifts and talking about the inspiring LGBTQ+ people we get to meet in our highly public line of work. We can’t wait to tell each other about our favorite patron of the night and we’ll end up talking for hours about the LGBTQ+ community we wish we could do more with and for. We knew we wanted to contribute our own sass and queerness to the EC and we found our answer.

WHAT WE HOPE TO DO WITH OUR INTERVIEW SERIES:

Our interviews will be female/femme LGBTQ+ focused but certainly not exclusively so. While everyone we interview will be comfortably “out” of the closet we do want to send our love and respect to everyone worthy of an interview that’s not able to be “out.” Please nominate other out members of the community you would like to see interviewed. We LOVE to meet new folks! Each month’s interview will have a slightly different focus i.e. health, artists, activists, performers, and businesses.

// [THX]* 01/_: Thank you for your continued support of the Out Alliance Archives and Library!

We are presently looking to interview anyone in the community who works in the wedding business!

Please email us at AKInterviews@outalliance.org with any nominations of folks to interview!

28 | May 2018 | E M P T Y

C L O S E T

What’s come between you?

ROCHACHA CITY HOMOSCOPES: ARIES

MARCH 21 – APRIL 19 When it comes to finding a partner, you are all about the chase. You like to be led on regardless if it’s on the streets or beneath the sheets. Be careful!

It’s easy to fall into trap if you only focus on a pretty face or if you’re shot with a tranquilizer dart.

TAURUS

APRIL 20 – MAY 20 You are the golden retriever of lovers. You are very loyal to your romantic partners. But remember some in your life just want to dig up your old bones, so not everyone deserves your trust (or trust fund).

GEMINI

MAY 21 – JUNE 20 You will be playing with fire this month when it comes to romance.

Luckily, a sexy firefighter will swoop in and rescue you. So bring the marshmallows! It’s going to get toasty.

CANCER

JUNE 21 – JULY 22 You can be as blind as Stevie Wonder when it comes to love.

However, there is someone very near to you in proximity who has been crushing on you for a long time. It’s time to clean your glasses and take a good look at the people who are already in your life.

LEO

JULY 23 – AUG. 22 Hunker down and hide under your bed! Someone has made a voodoo doll of you and is not afraid to stab it. Whether it’s a bitter ex or a work rival, someone is looking to take you down a peg. Stay safe and pray that next month is better.

VIRGO

AUG. 23 – SEPT. 22 Add one part family drama + a dash of money worries then whip into a frothy mess. This is a recipe for a disaster that you will ultimately survive but you will stress eat boxes of Twinkies and canisters of Pringles. Stay away from the bathroom scale.

LIBRA

SEPT. 23 – OCT. 22 Balancing your work life with your love life will be like walking a tightrope over the Grand Canyon in a windstorm. Take a deep breath. Take a yoga class. Take a shot of tequila.

SCORPIO

OCT. 23 – NOV. 21 Hello Control Freak! You are wrapped up tighter than a pair of Spanx on Oprah. Your need to check off items on your To Do list is pushing people away. If you don’t ease up, they are going to push back (or throw you off a cliff).

SAGITTARIUS

NOV. 22 – DEC. 21 You’re looking for love in all the wrong places (like Grindr or the East Ave Wegmans). Go to the library! You will find someone hiding in the periodicals who will make you want to renew your library card.

Maybe it’s poor communication, a lack of trust, a loveless or sexless relationship, infidelity, or the excessive use of porn and social media. Trust Kavod Center to help you get past the struggle and on to the healing.

CAPRICORN

DEC. 22 – JAN. 19 With spring finally in the air, you have a lot of pent up frustration from your lack of hook-ups in the long winter months. With flowers in bloom, it’s time to pollinate. Get out there, Queen Bee! And find your honey.

KavodRecovery.com | 585.546.5180

AQUARIUS

JAN. 20 – FEB. 18 A romantic suitor from your past will reappear like a bad cold sore. Proceed with caution.

This individual may be a better business partner than bedroom partner. Tie down your priorities without getting tied down to your headboard.

674 SOUTH AVE, ROCHESTER 10am-9pm DAILY ∙ HEDONISTCHOCOLATES.COM

Join us the 2nd Thursday of every month. Locations vary.

EMAIL HRCSecondThursday@gmail.com or follow us on FB @HRCSecondThursday for details on upcoming events.

PISCES

FEB. 19 – MARCH 20 You will experience a streak of creativity within the next few weeks. Whether it’s scrapbooking or dabbling in water colors, host a crafternoon with your best buds and a large pitcher of sangria.

Fun will be had by all.

By TROY ROBINSON

From our family to yours

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY Join us in wishing all moms a Happy Mother’s Day.

30 | May 2018 | E M P T Y

INSPIRED BY LOVE: JENNA VANAS “My art is inspired by love”

A

n artist for eleven years, Ms. Vanas has learned that love is wonderful but sometimes painful. She captures her emotions in a unique style of art combining color, words, images, and symbols. Working in a playful and witty manner Jenna deals with LGBTQIA2 issues and themes relevant to all. In an art-poster style, her work is lively, colorful, and wears its message on its sleeve.

Working mostly with acrylics on canvas, Jenna says she hopes viewers will take away “positivity.” “My paintings are mostly positive.”

Her first painting was of a closet, her closet. Incorporating rainbow colored garments, the painting proclaims in words “The scariest part about being locked in a closet is coming out!”

She often paints several pieces that revolve around a common theme. For example, her series “Don’t Gamble on Love” depicts colorful slot machines with words about love and relationships intertwined with various relevant symbols. Other paintings re-envision game boards with titles like “The Path of Life” and “The Game of Love”.

Jenna’s series also include “Candy Connections” and “HerShe’s” which reimagine well known candy wrapper logos and combine wit and word play to make statements about love and personal connections.

For example, Almond Joy morphs into “All My Joy” and 3 Musketeers becomes “Must Cut the Tears.”

Currently Jenna is working on a commission to paint two works featuring trolls for a child’s room. She says her dream commission would be to do a wall mural. When asked how she knows when a painting is done she replies, “it’s never done!”

Ms. Vanas advice on life is “have passion and drive”. To aspiring artists, she counsels “Go for it. You have nothing to lose. At least you’re doing something productive and you’re not getting into trouble!” On her website she notes that through art “I have… gained some confidence, enjoyment, and increased my knowledge/creativity levels, along with donated my time [and] gifts to the people I love.”

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By: RON COOK Jenna’s work can be found at www.jennarationartwork.com and @JeannarationArtwork on Facebook. All images credit to Jenna Vanas.

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MANAGING RI$K:

The greater the risk, the greater the reward.

C L O S E T

Provided by MARLENE DATTILO, CFP, CLTC, CFBS, courtesy of Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company (MassMutual) INVESTING FOR THE LONG TERM

BALANCING RISKS

There are many different kinds of risk. One of those is market risk. That’s the chance the value of an investment will go down, not up, causing you to lose money. The second is the possibility that you may not earn enough on your investments to keep up with inflation.

And a third common risk is the chance your investments won’t grow enough to get you to your longer-term goals, such as retirement.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR RISK TOLERANCE There are a number of factors that can help determine your risk tolerance: • What is your time frame? The length of time remaining for you to reach your goal matters when it comes to how much risk you can handle in your portfolio.

• What can you afford to lose? Another key consideration is how much investable money you have available after identifying your goals and obligations, and how much you can afford to lose.

• What is your emotional ability to handle risk? Some people can’t handle the ups and downs of the markets and, therefore, are better off choosing a more conservative portfolio.

Investors need to be savvy, always balancing the risks they are taking with the possible rewards — and avoiding investments that are beyond their understanding or individual tolerance for market volatility.

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When investing for long-term goals, it is important to be prudent and stay focused on the long view. Prices of stocks and bonds can go up and down, sometimes wildly. But if you’re thinking in terms of years and not days, the short-term peaks and valleys won’t seem so large.

A prudent investor helps manage risk by diversifying — spreading money among different kinds of investments that are not correlated to each other. Of course, diversification cannot guarantee a profit or protect your portfolio from losses.

NOT TOO MUCH BUT NOT TOO LITTLE, EITHER

It can actually be risky to take too little risk. A person in their 20s, who puts all of their retirement savings into conservative investments isn’t at much risk of losing their money. But they may be at risk of running out of money when they retire because they weren’t able to accumulate enough to keep up with inflation.

A reliable way to manage risk is to choose a strategy and stick with it. This is as much a matter of managing your emotions as picking an asset allocation strategy that’s in line with your investment profile. Learning as much as you can about different investments and strategies definitely helps. If you’re just getting started, read up on the basics like 401(k)s and Individual Retirement Accounts. If you’re closer to retirement, you may want to learn how you can shift your investment mix and convert your assets into income. Either way, enjoy the ride.

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C L O S E T | May 2018 | 33

OUTLOOK LANGUAGE and BEING LOST in the WILDERNESS of TRAUMA By: GRACEN LYNCH

Looking back at my past, I have often wondered just what, exactly, happened to me, psychologically, when extremely traumatic events took place in my life. The death of my father, some childhood sexual trauma and abuse, as well as some experiences as an active alcoholic and addict, these all had powerful effects on me that, in some sense, “froze” me in the moment, the place and time, of when they happened. While some part of me was able to move on, another part of me remained behind. But what would that actually mean in practical terms?

I’d often heard that one “doesn’t mature” after traumatic experiences, but I found that approach impractical because “assessments of maturity” had always been used so judgmentally toward me. Since I was interested in an authentic approach, rather than a merely cognitive one that would require dissociation from the pain of using the word-tool being offered, I decided to toss it. A human being can’t invent maturity any more than a depressed person can pick themselves up by their bootstraps. When I have a relationship with language, or a given word, that interferes with me accepting the thoughts and feelings of my own life, I throw it out and build fresh. I have to find my own ways of language sometimes that feel safe to me. This was part of what was involved in my creation and development of the entire field of Language Box work.

I found it was more practical (and clear) to discard the hazy definitions and instead to identify my “ego” as simply my sense of myself that arose in my process of developing language.

My language self, or ego, evolves from and within my process of sorting out what is happening in the moment, relative to all that has happened before. This is guided by my feelings, needs, wants, goals, relationships, living situation, circumstances, fears, drives, instincts, and so forth. The trouble with traumatic experiences is that my internal integration system at work in building my language self can only handle so much intensity. If the feelings of an experience are too powerful, it’s like running too much electricity through a wire. It burns it out and the system shuts down.

No power. Structurally, my evolving language self can’t bear the stress, so the machinery trips a kind of breaker, and the whole thing stops - which is to say, my evolving sense of self, my ability to sort out what’s happening in relationship to all that has happened, grinds to a halt.

With the support of trauma counseling with a qualified professional, exercise, meditation, creativity, sobriety, and stress reduction, as well as the exploration of my language self through the tools of the Language Box Experience, I saw that I had been trying to force myself to be the same person at all times in my life. It had been too threatening to consider otherwise.

When I could explore creating expressions of being both me-now and me-then simultaneously without trying to merge them, but simply experience their differences with more acceptance, - very different versions of myself, separated in my timestream - another sense of “me” began to appear. I unexpectedly found myself noticing that I was the one doing the “time travel” work. Somehow, this broke the spell. After that, I found it safer to explore a new experience of myself, beyond the pain of having different versions of me.

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The trauma didn’t go away. Instead, my relationship to it, and myself, changed. It’s ironic to me. By working, with help, to accept the conflict, I found peace.

Gracen writes at: http://bit.ly/LanguageBoxInitiative

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GIRLish:

Growing Up in a Lesbian Home

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By: ROWAN COLLINS

Author and writer Lara Lillibridge had a distinctly different upbringing from many of her peers in Irondequoit in the 70s and 80s. After twenty years away, she returned to Rochester on April 3 to celebrate the release of her new book Girlish: Growing Up in a Lesbian Home at Writers and Books. The book has been hailed as “at times humorous and pithy while cringe-worthy and heartbreaking at others […] a human story that challenges readers to reevaluate their own lives and motivations”.

The Empty Closet had a chance to chat with Lillibridge before her April release: EMPTY CLOSET: Firstly, thank you so much for agreeing to chat with us and share more about your growing up, new book, and how these things have shaped each other. Can you tell us a little about your journey to becoming a writer?

LARA LILLIBRIDGE: I’m really thrilled to be part of this interview. My moms were involved with the Gay Alliance for a bit when I was young! I always knew I wanted to be a writer. I got passionate about it in my late 30s and went back to school to get my MFA. At that time, I wrote about absolutely everything except for my parents. I wrote about sexuality, my children, my divorces. In my last week of school one of my advisors said: “When are you gonna stop writing all this boring crap and write about your mother.” So, after I graduated I sat down and decided it was time to write that book.

EC: So I wonder, then, in growing up in what would be considered an “unconventional” household…has that had an effect on the way you have carried yourself through life?

LL: Oh absolutely! And it’s something I can really appreciate as an adult that I didn’t appreciate as a child. First off, I don’t have the same ingrown prejudice against [LGBTQ] people that a lot of queer people still have themselves. I was really raised that it is as normal and natural as anything else. I think as an adult I am really strong in being myself.

But in discovering my own sexuality, it was harder, because I knew I was attracted to men and women but I didn’t want to [play into] what people assumed of me because of my parents. “Are you a lesbian just like your mothers?”

I have such an appreciation for folks who straddle or blur the gender divide – I see it in myself and find it attractive in others. And that’s something I don’t think would have ever been on my radar were it not for growing up in my house.

EC: How have those discoveries and understandings of gender and sexuality influence the way you’ve raised your own children?

EC: I imagine it must have been somewhat of a cathartic experience to go back and piece together some of your feelings and experiences as an adult.

LL: Absolutely. Writing a book really helped me get beyond a lot of the trauma of my childhood. If it can serve to help someone else, then it will have been a good thing.

EC: Can you share with us some of what that childhood was like?

Available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.

LARA LILLIBRIDGE

LL: My mothers got together when I was about 4…that was 1978 and it wasn’t a time when you could be out as a family by any means. My biological father moved to Alaska so although I saw him for a few weeks a year, my parents were Mom and Pat. Growing up we were very closeted. My parents had to hide it at work – Pat lost a job on more than one occasion when they found out she was a lesbian so that was something we had to be very careful about. I grew up in Irondequoit and it wasn’t a bastion of openness. We told stories to people – [Pat] was a housemaid, my aunt, my godmother. But we didn’t have just one story that we told everyone so eventually I was outed at school. Ironically, it was by a friend who had a bisexual mother who had seen my parents at a lesbian function.

I was Lara the Lezzy or Lara the Lesbo from then on, just by association.

But on the other hand, it was a relief not to lie. I didn’t have to hold that secret.

Eventually my parents moved to Key West and felt comfortable being open there. I followed in my 20s and living in that open, accepting community was an incredible feeling for me. I didn’t understand how much baggage I still had until I moved somewhere where no one cared about my moms’ sexuality.

EC: I can imagine it affects the way you think of yourself when people don’t see you as the person but you in relation to your parents, and then that being the most interesting thing about you. It must have been tough to form your own sense of self.

LL: That is wonderfully put. That is really how it felt.

LL: I feel like as a parent, it was so helpful to not grow up with the message that heterosexuality was inherently better, because I don’t pass that on to my own kids. There isn’t the “cisgender and heterosexual is better” message in our home. And they’ve grown up with two grandmothers too.

EC: How does it feel to be in anticipation of this story being published and out there for the world to read?

LL: At this particular moment, it’s pretty terrifying. On one hand, there’s a lot of personal details there and on the other, in terms of the writing itself I took some risks. I wrote it in third person, which is unusual in a memoir. I did that because I needed to step back from my family and see them from the outside – not just through my child eyes. It’s also very exciting! I’ve been fortunate to have early reviewers tell me how much it meant to them and how it resonated with their experiences. I am proud, terrified, and excited all at the same time!

EC: And finally, how does it feel to be coming back to Rochester after all this time to celebrate the release of a story so rooted in Rochester?

LL: I do get to come back once a year to visit family and friends but it’s always nostalgic to come back. Your hometown is always your hometown.

And it’s always special, no matter where you end up.

It’s easy to focus on the negativity of growing up in the 80s in Rochester with gay parents but I didn’t really realize until I was an adult how many parents of my friends knew about my family and still gave us a chance.

My parents came to my school events and teachers never made them feel uncomfortable. A lot of my classmates have contacted me in our adult years to tell me how much knowing a gay family has meant to them as adults, when either their children or friends have come out. That they looked back, and we were just a normal family and I was just a normal kid.

Connect with Lara Lillibridge at www.laralillibridge.com or www.twitter.com/only_mama

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A 25 Years of Telling the Story – Christian Faith and the LGBT Community exhibit @ Colgate Rochester Crozier Divinity School, April 4, cred: Connie Bowers B The Center for Youth Gala, Celebrating a Joyful Spring, @ Monroe Golf Club, March 24th C Drag Queen

Story Hour @ Blackfriar’s Theatre, March 24th D Queer Territories Opening Reception @ Rush Rhees Library, April 18 E Rainbow Dialogues @Rochester Public Library, March 24 F Rochester Gay Men’s Chorus, Two Boys Kissing concert @ Hochstein, March 24

E M P T Y

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