Fallen Angels

Fallen Angels

poetry by residents of the Cyndi Krier Taylor Juvenile Correctional Treatment Center in partnership with Gemini Ink a center for literary arts & ideas Summer 2004 Š2004 Gemini Ink

Foreword

The poetry in this anthology was written by young people, but it’s not kid stuff. It’s gritty and uncompromising, reflecting the very adult pain and struggle the writers have experienced. It speaks of love lost and found, of the joy of community and the loneliness of separation, of trust and betrayal on the deepest levels, of faith and despair, of fierce pride and abject humiliation, of mistakes and misjudgments and attempts to set things right.

But mostly, it speaks of courage, for it always takes courage to speak the truth necessary to the process of rebuilding lives.

For two years, Gemini Ink writer-in-residence Dave Rutschman has worked with the courageous young people at the Cyndi Taylor Krier Juvenile Correctional Treatment Center. In poetry workshops like the one that resulted in this anthology, they explore ways of telling their own stories, for it is through sharing stories that we learn how to live.

In this anthology, the young poets are joined by students from SAY Sí, a graphic arts program for inner-city youth. Their photographs speak as loudly as words, reflecting their inner thoughts and emotions and the stark beauty of the world around them.

Read, reflect, and share their struggles and their triumphs.

--Bett Butler Director, Writers in Communities Gemini Ink Gemini Ink’s work at the Cyndi Taylor Krier Juvenile Correctional Treatment Center and this publication were made possible by: The Bexar County Women’s Bar Foundation The National Endowment for the Arts The San Antonio Express-News Tesoro Petroleum Special thanks to: Dave Rutschman, Writer-in-Residence Glenn Faulk, Activities Director, Cyndi Taylor Krier Center Jon Hinojosa, Executive Director, SAY Sí Claudio Aguillon, Visual Arts Associate Director, SAY Sí Rosemary Catacalos, Executive Director, Gemini Ink Cover: Plaintive Brian Gonzalez Age 17

Stephanie O.

Wounds and Sorrows Dedicated to my love, we’ll always be together Thinking back and sometimes forward I see me being lowered.

I am young, beautiful, and have a voice of an angel.

I make people weak the way he makes me feel in a tangle.

I am the color that represents strength.

I am Hispanic with the fullest length.

I am a queen in foreign countries.

I am a lover that is as soft as a dove and as sweet as a rose.

I am a leader of unknown things, I am a girlfriend and everything in between.

I am a goddess, A precious gem.

I am something you want to look within.

Sometimes I cry at night, you can’t see it because you don’t know my secrets And everything that lies inside.

My stomach turns And sometimes I yearn to feel like I’ve been erased and so misplaced.

I have so many scars and pain that sometimes I want to cry in vain.

You see why people want to judge me, Yet they don’t understand my insides and confusion.

I’m not a big illusion.

I have a sign when people come near that says no intrusion.

I really can’t explain it.

What I do now is Life.

Thinking back and sometimes forward I see me being bitterly lowered.

Fallen Angels

5

Raymond U.

My Life Has Changed I used to sell a lot of drugs, And hung out with gang members and thugs, I had so many things and a lot of money, And when I hurt people I thought it was funny.

I’ve gotten into a lot of trouble and ran away from cops, And my homeboys gave me a lot of props, I’ve seen some of my friends get killed in front of my eyes, Because of some of our stupid lies, I’ve hurt my family and my self, Taking away my future and my health, I never thought I would get locked up, And when I did my life was stuck.

But now I think I’m doing a lot better, And my life has changed just like the weather, I never thought I could succeed, But now I’m staying away from the weed, My future is so much clearer, And I see a different person when I look in the mirror.

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Water Spots Aaron Gallegos Age 14

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Joshua G.

Success Success is a wonderful feeling, kind of like when you put on that pretty dress without any cause of stress.

Is success the gaining of wealth and fame or is it the outcome of a wonderful game?

Is it one who succeeds even if it means just to pee. Some people think it’s greed. But I think it’s the beginning of a new seed.

Success is everything to gain right, but you can really lose every thing, it can leave you with that remaining bruise.

Kind of like when you find those matching shoes.

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Roy G.

What is Pain?

It’s the stuff that hurts, It’s the stuff at work, Every time you cry.

It’s the things you see, It’s the heavy weight, Whenever someone dies.

It’s the physical and mental, It’s the emotionally stressing, At times when you wanna give up.

It’s a bullet to the heart, Or a relative dying, The stuff that makes you stop trying.

It’s what the world has a lot of And likes to give to others But won’t show love for themselves or another.

It’s what alters your decisions It’s the root of all evil And it most definitely can destroy you.

It’s the dirty thing called pain.

Fallen Angels

9

Rosalie V.

I’m a girl who sits alone at the middle of the night, Wondering why I put my life aside, Before I even got to the light.

I’m a girl whose never faced physical abuse, But somehow led into drug use.

It terrifies me to not know what happened on those nights, Whatever it was messed me up for life.

Many times I ask myself, where did I go wrong?

Why did I use these substances to make me feel better about myself?

I guess this is the price I have to pay, knowing I have to live it day by day.

At times I feel alone, I wanna move on but don’t know where to start, I keep telling myself all these lies, I wanna forgive myself, Although my eyes start to water and I begin to cry.

Something in me is burning for love, something in me is calling for attention.

I believe somewhere in me is an intelligent girl, But I have to wanna try to get to the fantasy world.

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Vanity A.J. Saucedo Age 16

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Stephanie O.

Lil’ Chris Dedicated to my homeboy Chris. You will always be in my heart. R.I.P., May, 2002.

He was my boy, The one who showed me my first silver toy.

He was my best friend till the very end.

He was my homie who never disowned me Even when my mom disapproved Because of my bad attitude.

The day he took his life Was the day I died and dropped my mic.

I read the letter and tears poured out of my eyes Hitting the floor as heavy as my cries.

He did it from the ceiling fan.

Why couldn’t I have been there to hold his hand?

His little boy will never know his daddy, But I’ll see that he knows how much he cared Even if he can’t be there.

Asking myself if I could have stopped him.

Wondering why his own homeboy mocked him.

He loved his girl more than anything, We used to flow about him marrying her, Why did you do it?

Why don’t you answer me?

I can’t believe you left me.

I loved you more than life.

You were my brother You stopped me from picking up that knife.

Slowing it down is what I said But you did it anyway not listening instead.

Now you’re dead.

I still see you hanging from your belt, You think I didn’t know how you felt?

I love you, Cease.

I’ll always be your girl I can feel you right now Sitting next to me With no doubt.

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Rene S.

I do not wish to be a poet, Making riddles and rhymes, I do not wish to be a poet, Making pennies, nickels, and dimes.

I want the big dollars, I want the big bucks, I want my trash to look Like a million bucks.

Does this sound so greedy, Seem so unfair, If you look at my expression, You can tell I don’t care.

But the truth is that I don’t need money, All I’m really doing is trying to be funny.

So I hope you had a laugh, Hope you cracked a smile, By the way can I borrow ten bucks, I’ll pay you back tomorrow.

Fallen Angels

13

Timothy R.

The Maze of My Life On the brightest nights and the darkest days, left with no time to play. Stuck in a life like a maze doing crimes to get paid. In and out of jail, walking down a trail, halfway to Hell. I was flying through the sky watching my family and friends cry, not wanting to see the tears fall from their eyes when I die. Time after time the cops come to shine.

Standing at my door hearing hit the floor, I dip out the back to hear a gauge crack, falling to my knees with blood on my pants. I woke up with chains attached making baby steps look through the cracks seeing my life slipping by and once again the cries come back to the man, as the days fall off and the time drops by on the street I meet the misery of my life again hitting a dead end sitting with a friend smoking the same drugs over and over again. Coming back to the maze, I’m locked up again, thanking God it isn’t the state pen. I lost 3 kids and 2 baby mammas, if I lose this last one there is going to be some drama. Well all I’m trying to say is I will see you when I make it out of this maze and to God I give praise. As night turns day and day turns night the birds take flight this is a little of my life. I’m the bird that takes flight for the evil is my night, and good is my day. Stuck in this place it looks like the end of the road.

There’s many ways out but only one for me. See everybody has one way to escape, my way is death. No matter what time of day or night, all I want is to give up my life. No one thinks I can do anything right, well it’s time to let go and show what the world would be without me, Timothy. I will leave my girl, my family and my life, I give up on running to stay alive, there is no one for me so now I shall lay in R.I.P. Don’t try to stop me now, with the 9 to my head I shall be dead. For too long I led my soldiers in to war and less than half come back. All is silent, the lakes, rivers, and ocean lay still.

No wind blows, no tree moves from side to side. No bird in flight on this cold dark night. “Bang!” Like a petal from a rose falls to the ground, I fall in a bloodbed while my soul floats about my lifeless body. All my pain is gone with me to roam the earth to stop the misery.

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Bandages Brian Gonzales Age 17

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Crystal V. Life I am my own friend, Proud of being alive in a world of hate.

Self-employee on the ghetto streets, Ghost town Cassiano Courts is where I sleep.

Every day I watch my back Never know when someone will pull Out a gap.

A thug from the West Side, But yet I think of suicide.

My heart is full of deep wounds and scars, I had no fear as long as my strap was near.

Now I’m locked up behind four walls, So I just guess it was my time, I hurt so many people, I’m inconsiderate as can be.

To see one overdose it wasn’t scary.

I was living a life of negativity.

I want to go home but yet it’s broke, These screams I hear I sometimes fear.

I grew up with hate, so I treat the same.

I could still hear those fiends paging and calling me.

Please just stop, wait it’s just all inside of me, I feel I’m going insane.

Everything’s spinning I’m tired of all this pain.

I reminisce when I hung from the stairs With an extension cord tied around my neck I really thought that would be my last breath.

Now I stand strong with my head up high, I won’t back down, I have too much pride, But when I will be free I do not know, I feel like an animal waiting to be released.

They say I’m a threat to society Yet they don’t even know me, I barely know myself I’m on the edge waiting to Finally let go.

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Janie G.

Chance Here’s a toast to the one I love the most To my jefa the one never to boast Sorry for I have hurt you in the past I never wanted for this pain to last I wish I could change my wrongs to rights Cause what I’ve put you through really bites You looked so stressed out Damn I hate myself Because I wonder what you felt So please never give up on me Cause you’re my jefa The one who made me You’re a strong brown Chicana Mucho amor por mi mama You stuck around with me Even though I hurt you With the love por vida

Fallen Angels

17

Laura P.

As the days slowly pass I always say to myself, why couldn’t I last?

I said I was never gonna get locked up again But now look where I’m at.

Only if I knew how to act.

I thought I was all grown up And knew right from wrong, But obviously I can’t tell right from wrong Because if I did I wouldn’t have to face All the struggles and pain That I now face every day.

Being locked up is not easy.

Especially that I’m 3 months pregnant.

It’s just such a shame But I’m the one to blame!

Now all I could do is pray to God To help me change my foolish ways And lead me the right way I wanna open my eyes to the real world And stop playing childish games!

While my baby’s daddy is out in the free, Only if he knew how it would hurt me, To find out he’s seeing someone new.

Sometimes I wonder if this is true Or just a dream Or am I ever leaving this place It all seems endless It’s caused me so much stress.

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Abandoned Lauren Martinez Age 15

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Timothy R.

My Love for You My love for you is so great, My love for you is no mistake, My love for you splits the ocean, My love for you shakes the earth, My love for you is so high, My love for you floats in the sky, My love for you is everlasting, My love for you is never crashing, This is my love for you from my heart pray to God It never falls apart.

My love for you is here to stay, So what I’m trying to say I love you girl every day.

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Anonymous

Woke up this morning . . .

Woke up this morning blaming myself, My mom passed away when I was only twelve.

She was with me twenty-four seven, And I cried when she left to heaven.

She was like my best friend, But now I know I’ll never see her again.

After she died my uncle would abuse me, Then my whole family started to accuse me.

I always kept it to myself, I never shared it with no one else.

I started running away cause I needed some help And I ended up behind a cell.

I did six months at Campbell Griffin, When I got out some stuff was different.

I had a job and went to school, And at that moment everything was cool.

I met this guy who treats me right, And he always told me that it’ll be all right.

After two years I went back to Juvy, For running away and being so screwy.

Now I’m here at Southton Doing nine months and thinking of the friends I should’ve chosen.

I’ve gone through rough times and sometimes I fell But I thank God cause He was there to help.

Life is hard and we all move on, And no matter what happens in life We should always stay strong.

Fallen Angels

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Megan Y.

Are you there?

As I sit here with sorrow and pain, I think back to when I saw you lying in your grave.

Before you left you said not to worry But you left in such a hurry.

What do I do when I am down, I need you back around, Are you up there watching down in the clouds that are round?

Are you up there smiling down through the hole that was found?

Well I love you I hope you know.

Remember that and never let go, So hold me near and whisper in my ear all the lovely things that I love to hear.

Don’t worry I know you’re near, And now my fears will soon disappear.

Dedicated to: Trudie Ward, in loving memory R.I.P. 4.16.03

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Virgin Mary Desaray Elizondo Age 17

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Janie G.

The West Side The West Side is my side of town. I would prefer to live there the rest of my life.

The West Side is ghetto but I love it.

The West Side is the best place to be, with the summer breeze hitting your face. The warm sunlight against your body, it just feels so right.

The West Side streets full of kids running around, playing ball, running behind trees, playing hide and seek, eating watermelon. You can see the girls playing jumping rope and the boys playing football in the streets.

The West Side is my kind of hood, the adults playing cumbaña music from their cars.

On the West Side of town you always see or smell someone having bar-b-que. The pinata’s candy falling to the ground. Children run to the candy and pick it up off the floor, after that they see who got the good candy and the most. All of the grandma’s houses are always full of people. The gardens they have are colorful, beautiful.

The West Side you can feel welcome. Everyone knows each other. You feel like one big family and for me living on the West Side makes me happy.

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The Beauty Upon the Mess Jessica Barrera Age 17

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Timothy R.

Here I Sit I was lost in this time of pain and crime, Feel that I’m losing my mind.

My girl sits with a smile on her face, Walking through the trails without a trace.

I met you at a friend’s house on a rainy night, For the thunder and light gave you a fright, I held you tight not knowing you were going to change My life.

Now as I sit in a place where there is no sunlight, I have a picture of you that makes my nights bright, We would laugh and joke play games in the snow, But as I’m locked away when I see you I wish to stay.

As my blood drips down from my open wounds, Your love I look upon to close them soon.

Here I sit in the dust to read your letter yes, I must.

For now I sleep alone, So I love you, Can’t wait to get home.

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River Ali Huser Age 14

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Megan Y.

Making it Through Dedicated to my loved one, you will always be in my heart. I love you.

As I sit here and think of you, I think of how we’re gonna make it through.

Remember when you said you didn’t want me to leave?

Well I’m right here so you better believe.

We’ve been through hard times and struggles But I know we can complete this puzzle.

I’m for real, this isn’t a game.

So let’s just maintain.

My love for you will never fade, It will always be a blazing flame!

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Thomas C.

Fallen Angel The fallen angel fell today. He fell from heaven, he lost his way, his wing has broken, his halo has gone away. The fallen angel far from home on the earth, a place to him that’s different (it’s worse). He looks around at the suffering, the pain he remembers free will but this is insane.

Why would a person let another starve, when he had food and his stomach was large? What happened to compassion, to charity, and sharing? To giving your neighbor the clothes you’re wearing? His father was sad yet this world he was sparing, he could end it whenever, we still have a chance, to turn our lives over to him with every gesture, every glance, to protect each other and all the animals and plants. To turn our lives over to his son and accept his plan. He gave us a savior a gift to accept and every day since he’s never slept.

Fallen Angels

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Crystal V.

Primo to my primo You came out of the pen, You went back in, You came out again and made those N’s.

Back on your feet, The way life was meant to be.

You helped me so much, You even hated when I did drugs.

At one time I lived with you, I never had the courage to say I love you.

You treated me like your very own, Even though you had your baby girl.

I love you so much for taking me in.

I won’t ever forget about those times we Had back then.

I really hope you reminisce the time you Lived with me.

We all thought we’d live there til death Set us free.

Now you have a familia of your own, I really wish I could come back home, Primo you were like my dad.

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You told me if I graduate you’d hook me up.

At least I know it won’t be drugs.

You ride on spinna’s, And have a great amount of feria.

I know you were hurt when I got locked up.

You had a guilty conscience and your mind Was all messed up.

You’re probably thinking you have too much Of a cold heart to care.

But I’m one who knows the stuff you Hide inside.

You got a soft spot that I can see when I look in your eyes.

Behind that smile and beneath the lies, There is a man with a lot of pride.

Well ponte trucha and please don’t screw Up, Don’t worry about me cause I’ll be fine I’ll stand my ground, And I won’t let you down.

Fallen Angels

Andrew A.

The Truth The truth you haven’t told Me. Things that are going On. What I’m feeling.

I do need someone to hold Me. I have that particular person In mind.

You look beautiful in all but I didn’t think you could look So fine.

My brother locked up for some Thing he didn’t do.

I do think God’s trying to Send me a sign.

And with that person guiding Me through life passing away Think about it do you really Think I’m feeling ok?

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31

Gabrielle

Strong, Beautiful, and Intelligent Strong, beautiful, and intelligent, that is what I am Like the sun that keeps us going And shines across the land.

Yes, strong, beautiful, and intelligent, that is what I am, Like the woman who gave birth To the boy who’s now a man.

Strong, beautiful, and intelligent, that is what I’ll be, Like the raindrops that flood the ground, soon to become a sea.

Strong, beautiful, and intelligent, That is who I have become Like the day God chose my soul Before my life had begun.

Yes, strong, beautiful, and intelligent, This is who I am Like the shell that ponders amidst the sea, and has drifted to the sand.

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Stephanie O.

Using Me Love is a word that comes from the heart But so many say it right from the start Not knowing it never fades apart.

Love is a word people take for granted When you used to tell me you loved me It made my body warm then I’d sit there Looking all stupid and dumb Like a piece of gum That you have chewed so much it loses its taste Now I know it was just a waste And now I’m being replaced You didn’t care about me or how I’d feel you just need someone to have that pleasure.

You said this was a desperate measure.

Just to let you know I’m something to treasure.

But I guess that’s it no one to care It was one big dare. Okay.

You fooled me more than anything but I don’t care Because I live another day As you are mimicking and wanting me to stay.

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Gregory S.

Life Life is too short so don’t throw it away.

I pray at night hoping that God shows me the way.

But when we got beef or when it comes down To the 9 mm. heat I hope I’m not to Be the one to be laid to sleep while my Family and friends pray to God that I rest in peace.

Being behind bars dreaming and thinking About driving fancy cars thinking why is Life so hard. Living in the fast lane or being In the dope game ain’t the thang when you Sittin’ behind bars wishing that you could Have changed when you thought life was All about being in the dope game.

And after a while you get tired of hearing Control, open Fox 2 or you’ll get tired of Wearing those county blues.

Life is too short: Don’t do crime Because only losers do time.

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Dumpster Aaron Gallegos Age 14

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Gregory S.

What’s Up, World?

We live in this world like Rats in a cage at each others throats because of Bloody rage.

This world could mislead you refuse to go astray Drugs we use take many lives away.

A man who has faith will find a better way Lost in a world of insanity truth can be Found.

So much anger and hate we get as we go round We will never be respected as human beings Until we react as normal or intelligent human Beings.

Man is mind and allow them to find the true Design.

We are the American dream Become clean follow me down to the JORDAN STREAM remember we are the

AMERICAN DREAM.

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Wendy G.

My Sweet Mother I had a mother and she was very sweet.

During the fun times, she always cared about me.

When I was down, or drowning in self-doubt, All I had to do was call her name, and she would always help me out.

We have been there for each other, always through thick and thin.

When there was a secret that I didn’t know, she would always let me in.

She will never leave my heart, no matter where she goes.

She’s my one and only, she’s my only true love.

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Wendy G.

I am I am a girl who’s been locked up twice.

I am a person who’s had a rough life.

I am a daughter hiding depression.

I am a cousin making a bad impression.

I am your friend acting like I’m fine.

I am a wisher wishing this life weren’t mine.

I am a friend who sometimes is cruel.

I am a girl sitting next to you.

I am the one asking you to care.

I’m your best friend hoping you’ll be there.

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Hotline Nicole Ann Vasquez Age 16

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Megan Y.

Please All these struggles All these lies All I want to do is hide.

At night I sit in my room and cry.

Then I ask God why.

Why can’t I just die?

My life is nothing but a rough ride.

Please, God, tell me why, Why do I have to take this ride?

Is it because I snorted cocaine?

Or is it because I left when you came?

Please God I’m going through so much pain, Even my family thinks I’m lame.

Am I the one to blame?

Please stay by my side, And then we’ll take this ride.

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Janie G. Stone by Stone I have a wall you cannot see Because it’s deep inside of me It blocks my heart on every side And helps emotions there to hide You can’t reach in I can’t reach out You wonder what it’s all about The wall I build that you can’t see Results of my insecurity Each time my tender heart was hurt The scars within grew worse and worse So stone by stone I build a wall That’s now so thick it will fall Please understand that it’s not you Continue trying to break through I want so much to show myself And love from you would really help So bit by bit chip at my wall Till stone by stone it starts to fall

I try so hard to break the wall But seem to get nowhere at all For stone upon each stone I’ve stacked And left between them not a crack The only way to make it fall Are imperfections in the wall

I know the process will be slow It’s never easy to let go Of hurts and failures long ingrained Upon one’s heart from years of pain I’m so afraid to let you in I know I might get hurt again

I did the best I could to build A perfect wall but there are still A few small flaws which are the key To breaking through the wall to me Please use each flaw to cause a crack To knock a stone off of the stack For just as stone by stone was laid With every hurt, with every pain So stone by stone the wall will break As love replaces every ache Please be the one who cares enough To find the flaws no matter what

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Laura P.

Two years ago back in ’02, My homeboy Dome left me, I couldn’t believe it was true.

As I was sipping the last sip in my cup, My homeboy Dome was out getting shot, Now I sit here and wonder why that girl had to set him up.

I question myself why this had to happen to me Was it me who left him to die?

It breaks my heart knowing that Dome was only 19 and he ain’t here with me.

But it makes me happy Knowing his spirit is flying free.

R.I.P. Dome 72, dedicated to you.

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La Virgen Sara Hinojosa Age 15

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Jonathan A. Sweet Dreams Once upon a time I was two months old.

Slowly drowning in the placenta.

I was an embryo.

Kicking the walls trying to break free.

Umbilical cord wrapped around my neck choking me.

The ninth month of labor I finally broke out.

Would I make it, Faith was at doubt.

I opened my eyes to see a flash of light.

My life all of a sudden began to ignite.

Who was this woman with relief on her face?

Where am I at, I don’t recognize this place?

A couple of days later I was brought to my home.

That’s when I found out I wasn’t alone.

I had two sisters and one older brother.

Six months into life my father I discovered.

Who is this guy staring at me amazed?

Joint in his mouth, eyes so glazed.

I was six years old when I heard my mother’s cries.

Look at this dude with guilt in his eyes.

I run to mom’s room and find her lying still.

Her head rises up and blood starts to spill.

I start screaming, my brother runs in.

I awake from a flashback dosed up on Vicoden.

An adolescent gone wrong since I was thirteen.

Addicted to “Mary,” I’m a dope fiend.

Locked up now trying to change my ways.

So I can live life with some better days.

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Amanda R.

I Want I want some cotton candy with a strawberry lollipop.

I want all flavored ice cream with a cherry on top.

I want some cookies with chocolate cake, and this is what I’m craving.

If only I could have it now, wouldn’t that be amazing.

How about a banana split with sweet Jello in the middle.

Why can’t some staff just hook me up, if not a lot at least a little.

I also want some teriyaki chicken With an egg roll and some rice.

I want a large pizza with Parmesan cheese and extra spice.

I want enchiladas with extra cheese on top.

With an extra large Big Red soda pop.

I want a taco from Rolando’s Cause they’re good and they’re stuffed.

Eating all this will never be enough.

Wanting and wanting is all I can do, Hoping you’ll see what pregnancy can do to you.

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Amanda R.

Was Me As I sit here feeling lonely without a smile on my face I can feel my heartbeat drumming at a very soft pace.

I then look out my window and see the soft drops of rain.

Every drop that falls reminds me of my pain.

I hurt inside for the things that I have done.

No doubt payback will hit me harder cause it feels it has just begun.

I had a choice to turn my life around and do what I thought best.

Now I have to pay the price for failing a drug test.

I didn’t care how much I hurt my family even if I caused them pain.

I only cared about myself and the heroin not missing the vein.

I now realize the changes I could’ve made and things I could’ve accomplished.

I wish I had the chance to change the past instead of being selfish.

I’m slowly learning to forgive and forget which is the hardest thing to do.

But when facing reality I realized and told myself the person who you thought you were Really isn’t you.

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Sweetie Sable Mireles Age 15

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Joshua G.

Love Love is so painful it’s like a knife deep in your soul.

Love can really hurt and really break your heart for example set you back to the start.

Love is a feeling that shows you care but then in a split second it’s gone in thin air.

Love is that special feeling you get when you know you’re not alone and you always have someone to talk to on the phone.

Love is kind of like a drug and also when you’re thinking that you’re that big-time thug.

Then it tosses you out like an old beat-up rug.

Love can also mean a great thing especially when they put on that big diamond ring.

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Lisa C.

Fatal Love Walking around hiding my bruises And if they were seen I would just make excuses.

Always black and blue from head to toe, But I was just too scared to let anybody know.

Flinching every time you got too close I never knew when you were going to explode.

Lying every time you asked me for the truth, If you found out I knew what would you do I would scream at night cuz it was you I feared, But you would tell me to shut my mouth because Somebody might hear.

My whole body would hurt so much that after a while I would become numb.

But I thought that was the price I had to pay If I wanted to be loved.

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49

Wendy G.

Home It seems so far away I feel I’ll never make it that way These long roads high and low, I don’t know which way to go.

There are different roads that I could take But it’s so hard to choose Cause I’m scared it might break loose.

Home seems so close to me now, All my family is like, “Wow!” As they sit at home wondering how I grew I also wonder how I did it too.

Now I look at this one road that got my attention And it looks like it’ll be my destination.

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Ohio Street Bridge Maryabeth Murphy Age 14

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51

Gabrielle

Past My Soul There is not a second of time that goes by that I don’t think about your beautiful face. The memories that haunt my soul and the past times I cannot erase.

You’ve been there for me through it all, to help me see and not to fall.

You loved me unconditionally, you saw through my soul, when I could not see.

And for that, even though you’re not here with me, forever in my heart is where you’ll be.

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Albert G.

Never Trust Girls Never trust girls with eyes of gray.

They kiss you once and walk away.

Never trust girls with eyes of green.

They kiss you once and make you scream.

Never trust girls with eyes of brown.

They kiss you once and turn you down.

Always trust girls with eyes of blue.

They kiss you once and ask for two.

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53

D’Ondra F.

I am a bee I am a bee.

I am a bee looking for the only thing that pleases me.

I am a bee hunting, searching for the honey tree I need to feed.

I am a bee from a jungle who is searching for that sticky golden sweet substance to satisfy my soul.

I am a bee that’s searching, looking, hunting trying to find that Lovely honey tree that I need to survive this wild life.

I am a bee that has searched for this honey tree and now I found this tree that was right in front of my eyes for the whole time.

I am a bee looking for the thing I love most searching until I found the thing that pleases my soul which is the honey from the honey tree that I now see.

I am a bee flying through this colorful jungle world with trees so high they block the pretty sky and colorful flowers I see when I am flying by heading for my honey tree.

I am a bee happy in my honey tree because I have everything I need to satisfy my soul.

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Stand Alone Erica Garcia Age 14

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Lisa D.

When you cut, it makes you bleed When you scream, you’re in need When you want, greed comes in front When you speak, your words are blunt When you cry, your tears will fly When you lie, you start to deny But when you believe, you will be relieved By the power of faith What will be engraved Is that you are saved.

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Window of Broken Promises Shanda Martinez Age 14

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57

Lisa D.

Brother Sitting in this tiny little room Wishing I could just see you Maybe you don’t even have a clue How much you really mean to me I’m telling you to the most highest degree Thinking about the past are memories that will Always last Just for a while I will be away But soon I will be home to stay Love is not a word I usually scream and shout I only say it to the people I truly care about You are my one and only brother Because of course we have the same mother Adopted at birth, Thank God for this earth.

As days go by, I wish I could call you Just to say hi.

And never ever will I say goodbye Because me and you will never be apart No one can separate us by heart.

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Lisa D.

My Pain . . .

All my pain is deep inside In my heart is where it hides Sometimes you can see it in my eyes It hurts so bad and makes me cry at night My pain is what I need to fight I don’t know if I will ever be all right Locked up surrounded by these gates And behind gray doors Makes it hurt even more Sometimes I wonder about this pain And will it ever go away?

All my pain that I’ve been through Has it ever happened to you?

Maybe so or maybe not, I don’t know, It was just a thought.

I’ve been beaten down, cursed to the ground, Overdosed and died almost.

Guns to my head, millions of tears shed And hospitalized in a bed.

Before I went to God as my guide I even attempted suicide.

Raped three times and committed at least a dozen crimes.

Through all those things I was all alone Yet now I feel naked Because all my pain has been shown.

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59

Crystal V. Chemicals You helped me through life, And it’s still hard for me to Swallow my pride.

I still believe dying is easy, Cause life is hard.

I could hear you telling me to Live life to the fullest, Cause we only live once.

But it’s only hard for me Because of where I grew up.

Gangs and drive-bys, And the young dying.

Killing themselves by intramuscular injections, But yet I’m the one feeding them these Substances.

Chemicals flowing through one’s veins And blood cells dead in the brain.

Blue Raggers and Flake Flaggers Beating each other with bats and daggers.

Dead and buried 6 ft. deep in the ground, Not able to hear a sound Of the sobbing and mourning.

The family cry tears, With nothing but hate to calm Their fears.

I could hear it now, It’s a perfect sound, It’s my jefe’s voice telling me to Hold on to the end.

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Opposing Forces Nicolas Eblen Age 14

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61

Amanda R.

Who Am I? My past describes what I’ve been through And others may see me differently But without knowing who I am within They will never know the real me.

Many promises have been broken and Careless expressions have been chosen.

Am I strong enough to let this go, The bad feelings and words that were spoken?

I was hurt when he left me and Hurt when he lied. I was hurt with Mixed emotions and my past with different sides.

I feel hate toward the drug And the guy who brought me down.

I feel hate toward myself for Letting this be allowed. I’ve been happy And mad for the times that I’ve had.

Being where I am today is what really makes me glad.

Why at this time about myself I feel confused?

I know I am intelligent, have what it takes, Know the right things to do.

Why did I go through such sadness at A very young age. Hoping a good feeling Will come and not suddenly fade.

Many thoughts of myself always come to mind.

Who and what I am as a person to me Is undefined.

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Lisa C.

My Heartbeat . . .

You were my heartbeat, There to keep me alive.

There to help me through my struggles And help me survive.

A heartbeat is something No one can live without And you were always there to save me When I was drowning in self-doubt.

You helped me to get through each day With a smile on my face.

You helped me to be strong And taught me to have faith.

I wonder if you ever knew How highly I thought of you.

To me you were so brave And you never let anything get in your way.

And when things got tough, You never let me give up.

Thank you for never letting me welcome defeat.

I loved you more than anything . . .

You were my heartbeat.

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63

Frank T.

I’ve become I’ve been locked away for months, Now seeing what I’ve become, Remembering where I’m from.

I’m from a neighborhood Where not many kids are up to good, Not doing what we should.

Where there are drugs and gangs, Kids don’t care if their lives hang, Always hearing the sound bang bang bang.

A place where kids just really don’t care, Where life really isn’t fair, You can get shot just cause you stared, Just being there is a dare.

Where kids waste their lives, Joining gangs so they can survive, Cause they really don’t want to die, It’s taken me 6 months just to realize That I’m living this life.

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Boot Tracks Amanda Flores Age 16

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Frank T.

Visiting Day Only seeing them once a week, Waking up from my sleep, My family is what I seek.

Over tons of people and tables Seeing them keeps me stable, How I wish this was a fable This can’t be capable, Me behind bars For stealing cars I took it too far Far beyond what I ever thought, Cause I thought I couldn’t be caught, But I sit on visiting day, Thinking of how I want to stop.

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Swinging Toward the Future Desaray Elizondo Age 17

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Lisa C.

Secrets You asked me about my secrets, what they were, but I can’t tell u exactly, only that they hurt.

To keep ‘em bottled up inside, they left me with scars that I constantly try 2 hide.

I don’t want nobody to know of the things that went on, but I will tell u that the things that happened to me were wrong.

In the back of my mind those dark secrets will always hide.

Maybe one day if u look close enough, in my eyes you’ll see those secrets if it’s you who I trust.

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Raw Quality Morgan Duran Age 17

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69

Roy G.

Why? Why does the earth revolve around the sun?

Why is money green?

Why do people kill?

Why can’t I see God? Why do people have ten fingers?

Why do people knowingly do hurtful things?

Why? Why? Why? Why do people die?

Why is life difficult?

Why are people how they are?

Why is money so important?

Why can’t life be harmless?

Why can’t we get along?

Why? Why? Why? Why are drugs made?

Why are guns made?

Why doesn’t everyone care?

Why do these questions go unanswered?

Why do I have so many?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why isn’t everyone equal?

Why do some kids have bad parents?

Why is there evil?

Why?

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GEMINI INK is the only community-based center for literary arts and ideas in San Antonio and South Texas. During the past year, we served more than 3500 readers, writers, and literary performance-goers representing a diverse sampling of our community’s population. Four programs currently serve our mission: •Each spring and fall, the Autograph Series presents writers of national and international stature in a community-wide public program. Previous Autograph Series writers have included Annie Prouix, Margaret Atwood, Grace Paley, Tim O’Brien, and Phil Levine.

•The University Without Walls (UWW) offers three semesters of workshops, classes, readings, and events led by recognized professional writers, as well as artists and scholars whose work relates to writing.

•Dramatic Reader’s Theater (DRT) features professional actors interpreting literary works in a reading format, often accompanied by original music.

•Writers in Communities (WIC) sends professional writers with specialized teaching experience into a wide range of community settings to work alongside students of all ages, needs, interests and abilities. WIC writing workshops have been offered in schools, justice settings, neighborhood community centers, and health care facilities, among many other venues. While in residence, WIC writers help students create dynamic writing projects, often reflecting their own lives, that challenge, celebrate, inspire and enlighten. Most WIC residencies culminate in the publication of an anthology of participants’ work and a celebratory public reading.

For more information, visit www.geminiink.org; or call 210.734-WORD (9673). Toll-free: 877.734-WORD (9673).

Student work has been edited as lightly as possible in order to most closely honor the original voices.