SLICK OUT THE MOUTH

Written by Justin Gaynor

Everywhere we turn these days there are messages blaring at us from every angle. With all of the noise, not only can our voice get lost, but the important voices that are meant to speak into our lives can get lost. The better we learn how to communicate and the more we understand how communication actually happens, the better we can send and receive. Since we have covered the three C’s of communication in previous editions of GP, here I want to look at communication style. There are four basic styles of communication.

First, some people are highly passive in their communication style. They can seem to be very non-chalant in their interactions. These are typically very easy going people. They tend to be peacemakers and are able to navigate highly controversial topics and situations without losing their composure. We should be aware, however, the non-confrontational nature of passive communicators can lead to strong underlying, unexpressed feelings of disillusionment and resentment. They can feel as though nobody really cares about what they have to say about a topic, and that their input lacks value. If we perceive we are interacting with a passive communicator, listening well, asking questions with genuine interest, and affirming their value can go a long way in helping to build them up, and in drawing wisdom up from people who tend to think very deeply about things.

Second, there are some people who have an aggressive communication style. These communicators are easily recognized, they often rise to leadership and management positions. They tend to have very bold personalities. Aggressive communicators can struggle with listening, which is a vital part of communicating. While their general failure to listen well is an overall negative attribute, they move the ball down the field in the direction they intend to go. One can only hope it’s the right direction if you are following them.

Next, there are communicators that have a passive-aggresive approach. Their aggression is subtle and can take the form of sarcasm, off the cuff snide remarks, attempts to sabbotage things they agreed to verbally or with body language, but were against with their true will. People with this type of communication style can be seen as toxic in many ways, but most likely they have never really been listened to.

Perhaps they were aggressive communicators at one time , but some negative experience caused them to tone things down on the outside while they now rage with bitterness, resentment, and folly on the inside. If you perceive this type of communication style, it is best to listen well, ask questions, non-verbally give them permission to open back up and express themselves. Do what you can to help them find their voice and feel valued as far as it is possible with you. Otherwise, you may end up with the proverbial knife in your back.

Last but not least, are folks that have an assertive communication style. Not surprisingly this is the communication style that Jesus demonstrated most often, with His characteristic Jewish chutzpah of course. This is seen to be the most effective communication style. The communicator is able to honestly express their position, they are aware of and own their emotions, but they don’t shove their opinions and ideas down the throats of others. They are able to listen well and empathize and tend to have a very high level of emotional intelligence.

These four communication styles exist. Some are healthier than others and some are more effective than others in various situations. The important thing is to be able to recognize your own style, and the style of the person you are communicating with. Awareness and the ability to include that awarenes in your efforts to truly connect with the other person can go a long way in ensuring that communication has actually happened. You have understood the other, and the other has understood you.

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