The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue
April Fools Day, 2016
A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
The Mayor’s new BrooklynQueens Trolley scheme
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fter announcing his ambitious plan to build a trolley system in February, Mayor Bill de Blasio has been touring the neighborhoods of his real estate buddies where the streetcar might possibly double, triple or quadruple their property values. In March, he graced Red Hook with his appearance. Although he has no known major campaign donors in the area, he was hoping – in lieu of the neighborhood’s new popularity among developers – to make new friends. The less important reason he stopped by was to give Red Hookers details about the changing landscape of their coveted community. He was also overheard whispering to an administration official, “What a fantastic photo op!” while his microphone was still live. With charts, posters, reports, a PowerPoint presentation, hot chocolate and warm cookies he baked himself, the mayor began by saying, “Let’s be clear: I like trains – especially big ones.” Mayor de Blasio went on to provide much anticipated details about how the people would flock to his coastal catastrophe. Unusually logical, his first report and hand-drawn poster addressed ways to work around the MTA’s refusal to allow transfers. “The MTA is making this process more difficult by thwarting my halfbaked ideas,” he began. “However,
by Floppity Eerzo
we have developed other methods to work around their stubborn refusal to see it my way. Smiley face, please don’t read the emojis again this time, your Honor… Oops!”
Editor’s note: The Blue Pencil LunarRevue has intentionally not reported on the slides of a crying de Blasio and his whining about how everyone hates him that immediately followed his issues with the MTA. The mayor went on to describe how every passenger seat whether “luxury” or “affordable” would be equipped with ejector switches and complimentary parachutes that would propel straphangers “near” or “close to” existing subway and bus stops, including the currently defunct 2nd Avenue line. “The US Coast Guard will be on constant alert for passengers trying to connect from the streetcar to lines in Manhattan and Staten Island. We know that initially there will be issues to deal with, but in the end, we expect the survival rate to be somewhere between 89-96%. “We anticipate a few hundred thousand passengers may land in local waterways while getting used to the new traffic patterns; it’s a major adjustment. I applaud the Coast Guard in advance for the thousands of lives they will save with this new initiative we are calling ‘Zero Swimmers’,” de Blasio said. When pressed on what he meant by affordable and luxury cars, the mayor explained that, “We live in a ‘Tale
of Two Cities.’ We must be willing to provide accommodations for both of those cities if we are going to coexist in the same communities.” He went on to explain that 30% of the cable cars would be affordable, while the remaining ones would be designated for luxury passengers. “We’re not going to make this process complicated,” he said. “You won’t have to file tax forms or provide documentation to identify which car you’re allowed to ride in. Straphangers
Mayor de Blasio introduces the BQ Trolley at a press event in Red Hook. (photo by Liddell Blurry)
who are wearing shiny shoes will be eligible to ride in the luxury cars; if you are wearing dusty boots, I think it only makes sense that you belong on the affordable cars.” The cost of both cars will be exactly the same. However there are a few distinctions between the designs. Luxury cars will be outfitted with velvet seat cushions, an open bar and a live jazz band. Seats will be available for all luxury riders. Affordable cars will have less seats available, less qualified drivers, and all passengers will be required to enter and exit through the rear door. As part of another his city-wide initiatives, de Blasio also promised the (continued on page 3)
EPA and City’s imaginative solution to Gowanus park problems by Cleft Hoof
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t long last, the impasse between the City of New York and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has come to an end over the Gowanus Canal cleanup efforts. After years of infighting over a location for a pollutant retention tank, both sides have agreed to comply with the EPA’s mandates - but there’s a creative catch: a sewage-themed, family-friendly water park will run the length of the canal as soon as July. The city proposed the $28 million water park plans in late March, with the mayor’s office declaring it would be willing to bury the hatchet if the Parks Department could commission rides with “hilarious” names like The Poop Chute, The Swirly Flush, and a 120-foot drop that doubles as a bidet called the Pipe Cleaner (though the latter was nixed in later proceedings), all whirling majestically over the Gowanus Canal. In the initial mockups, the slides resemble sewage pipes, while the water has been dyed brown and pumped with a flour-based powder, thickening it into a slippery, sludge-like substance. The City’s lawyer, Robert Fox - who until now has been at loggerheads with the EPA regarding their plans to bury a tank under Thomas Greene Park near the Wyckoff Gardens Housing Development - issued this statement at a press conference Tuesday: Artist rendering of proposed Swirly Flush amusement area. (photo courtesy DEP)
“I think that we can all agree that this is the best solution for the (continued on page 9)