The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue
April Fools Day, 2016
A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
The Mayor’s new BrooklynQueens Trolley scheme
A
fter announcing his ambitious plan to build a trolley system in February, Mayor Bill de Blasio has been touring the neighborhoods of his real estate buddies where the streetcar might possibly double, triple or quadruple their property values. In March, he graced Red Hook with his appearance. Although he has no known major campaign donors in the area, he was hoping – in lieu of the neighborhood’s new popularity among developers – to make new friends. The less important reason he stopped by was to give Red Hookers details about the changing landscape of their coveted community. He was also overheard whispering to an administration official, “What a fantastic photo op!” while his microphone was still live. With charts, posters, reports, a PowerPoint presentation, hot chocolate and warm cookies he baked himself, the mayor began by saying, “Let’s be clear: I like trains – especially big ones.” Mayor de Blasio went on to provide much anticipated details about how the people would flock to his coastal catastrophe. Unusually logical, his first report and hand-drawn poster addressed ways to work around the MTA’s refusal to allow transfers. “The MTA is making this process more difficult by thwarting my halfbaked ideas,” he began. “However,
by Floppity Eerzo
we have developed other methods to work around their stubborn refusal to see it my way. Smiley face, please don’t read the emojis again this time, your Honor… Oops!”
Editor’s note: The Blue Pencil LunarRevue has intentionally not reported on the slides of a crying de Blasio and his whining about how everyone hates him that immediately followed his issues with the MTA. The mayor went on to describe how every passenger seat whether “luxury” or “affordable” would be equipped with ejector switches and complimentary parachutes that would propel straphangers “near” or “close to” existing subway and bus stops, including the currently defunct 2nd Avenue line. “The US Coast Guard will be on constant alert for passengers trying to connect from the streetcar to lines in Manhattan and Staten Island. We know that initially there will be issues to deal with, but in the end, we expect the survival rate to be somewhere between 89-96%. “We anticipate a few hundred thousand passengers may land in local waterways while getting used to the new traffic patterns; it’s a major adjustment. I applaud the Coast Guard in advance for the thousands of lives they will save with this new initiative we are calling ‘Zero Swimmers’,” de Blasio said. When pressed on what he meant by affordable and luxury cars, the mayor explained that, “We live in a ‘Tale
of Two Cities.’ We must be willing to provide accommodations for both of those cities if we are going to coexist in the same communities.” He went on to explain that 30% of the cable cars would be affordable, while the remaining ones would be designated for luxury passengers. “We’re not going to make this process complicated,” he said. “You won’t have to file tax forms or provide documentation to identify which car you’re allowed to ride in. Straphangers
Mayor de Blasio introduces the BQ Trolley at a press event in Red Hook. (photo by Liddell Blurry)
who are wearing shiny shoes will be eligible to ride in the luxury cars; if you are wearing dusty boots, I think it only makes sense that you belong on the affordable cars.” The cost of both cars will be exactly the same. However there are a few distinctions between the designs. Luxury cars will be outfitted with velvet seat cushions, an open bar and a live jazz band. Seats will be available for all luxury riders. Affordable cars will have less seats available, less qualified drivers, and all passengers will be required to enter and exit through the rear door. As part of another his city-wide initiatives, de Blasio also promised the (continued on page 3)
EPA and City’s imaginative solution to Gowanus park problems by Cleft Hoof
A
t long last, the impasse between the City of New York and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has come to an end over the Gowanus Canal cleanup efforts. After years of infighting over a location for a pollutant retention tank, both sides have agreed to comply with the EPA’s mandates - but there’s a creative catch: a sewage-themed, family-friendly water park will run the length of the canal as soon as July. The city proposed the $28 million water park plans in late March, with the mayor’s office declaring it would be willing to bury the hatchet if the Parks Department could commission rides with “hilarious” names like The Poop Chute, The Swirly Flush, and a 120-foot drop that doubles as a bidet called the Pipe Cleaner (though the latter was nixed in later proceedings), all whirling majestically over the Gowanus Canal. In the initial mockups, the slides resemble sewage pipes, while the water has been dyed brown and pumped with a flour-based powder, thickening it into a slippery, sludge-like substance. The City’s lawyer, Robert Fox - who until now has been at loggerheads with the EPA regarding their plans to bury a tank under Thomas Greene Park near the Wyckoff Gardens Housing Development - issued this statement at a press conference Tuesday: Artist rendering of proposed Swirly Flush amusement area. (photo courtesy DEP)
“I think that we can all agree that this is the best solution for the (continued on page 9)
From the Wurld Happenings, etc. of Religion SUNDAY, MARCH 27, 2016 by Meng Dynasty
The Return of Baby Jesus
Easter dinner at my house. Last week. It was a potluck, so you should have brought your favorite dish. I sat on the couch watching Charlie Brown cartoons waiting for people to show up. You missed a great party I had all by myself. Please RSVP number of guests and dish you intended to bring, but didn’t to I.Have.No.Friends@redhookstar.com
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
Red Hook Prune Festival from 6-10 pm. An interactive walk through labyrinth where volunteers will be giving away samples of Danishes, juices, jellies, casseroles, hot sauces, candies, and muffins, all of which are stuffed with prunes. The end of the maze will be marked by long lines at the Port-O-Potties. Red Hook Community Farm. Tickets and more info at Sh*ttyEvents@redhookstar.com
FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2016
Bonfire at my house next weekend. 8 pm-till? My ex-boyfriend moved out last weekend, except he didn’t take most of his stuff or his new girlfriend’s dirty laundry. Dancing, followed by crying, and then consoling hugs. I like cookies, so bring those. You may also want to bring eye protection because I plan on using lots of gasoline. 682 Van Brunt Street
FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2016
Ides of March for procrastinators. This is a second chance for Julius Caesar, played by Robert Berrios, to reenact his murder by arch enemy Mark Antony, played by Henrietta Perkins, who is actually much better at playing Jennifer Lopez. Coffey Park, noon.
SATURDAY, APRIL 16
M
ore than three years ago, Baby Jesus was snatched from the nativity scene in front of Sacred Hearts/St. Stephen’s (SHSS) Church in Carroll Gardens. During a 10 am Palm Sunday Mass, the swaddled Infant miraculously returned as an upright toddler. Little Jesus waddled through the church doors and up the center aisle of SHSS, as astonished parishioners greeted him in awe. He cheerily waved to everyone, blessing the entire congregation. Monsignor Guy Massie, in the middle of a long homily, abruptly stopped preaching - adding to the elation of those attending Mass. A joyful reception of hugs, kisses, and cheek-pinching by the Italian ladies ensued. Church organist, James Lake and the choir performed a spontaneous rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus.” Secretary, Rose Marie Foglia whisked the Toddler into the rectory. She called Bishop DiMarzio and the Vatican. She then called His parents in the Holy Land, who were still grieving the kidnapping of their only Son. Meanwhile, parish cook, Francesca Reca began preparing a feast fit for the little King. Fruits were plucked from the finest orchards in the land, and farmers sent wheelbarrows full of their healthiest, homegrown vegetables. A lamb with a cherry glaze was roasted with baby carrots and pearl onions. Aging wine that had been collecting dust in local cellars were finally uncorked and decanted. Mrs. Reca fondly remembered bouncing the chubby Baby on her knee just before he went missing around the time of the Feast of Epiphany in January 2013. She was concerned with the now rather thin Toddler’s stature. She made it her mission to fatten up the gaunt Boy. No information was available on the whereabouts of Baby Jesus for the past three years. Church officials were also quite perplexed about how he found his way back to the Carroll Gardens church. They insisted it must be the work of the Lord. Detectives are checking surveillance
Page 2 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
cameras and looking for suspects. They believe someone may have seen the vehicle or individual who dropped Jesus off. However, no one seems to have any information about the resurgence of the Little King. Anyone with information is urged to call Community Affairs at (718) 624-5568. One officer commented, “It’s like the Kid just appeared out of thin air. Same as when He went missing. One day He’s here; one day He’s not. Now, He’s back from nowhere.” Investigators are still unsure if Baby Jesus will be questioned about his whereabouts. They fear the interrogation could add to what may have already been a traumatic experience for the Child. An unusually mum Msgr. Massie refused to answer questions on whether or not a ransom had been paid, diminishing the idea as pure speculation. “The police have no evidence to even suggest this as a possibility,” he said. While the Vatican has not officially announced this as “The Second Coming,” there has been much rejoicing in the neighborhood. A very grateful church sacristan , Andy DiManso commented, “I always knew he’d be back!” Father Claudio Antecini of nearby Visitation Church reacted to the news with a resounding, “Alleluia!” News vans have been camped outside SHSS, hoping for a glimpse of the adorable Messiah. Still a little shy - and possibly shell-shocked form all the attention - He is reluctant to go near the chaos. However, the curious Toddler occasionally takes a peek through the stained glass windows, blowing kisses to His audience. Plans are in the works for a parish potluck in early April. The feast may also include a little bingo to celebrate. No dancing will be allowed in the event that any Southern Baptists show up for the festivities. Little Jesus will then fly to Rome to visit Pope Francis. After a short stay in the Vatican, He will be reunited with his Holy Family, who now reside in Nazareth.
Cub Crawl from noon-5 pm. All baby bears welcome to take part in this one-of-a-kid delinquency for minor-aged wildlife. Crawl is open to all species, except humans. They’re too obnoxious when their drunk. Along Van Brunt Street from Commerce to Beard Streets. For detailed maps and specifics, email WildMonkeys@redhookstar.com.
TUESDAY, APRIL 19
CB 6 meets to discuss if they need to meet to discuss inconsequential issues anymore. They will be forming a new committee known as Petty Frivolous Things that will meet once a month from hence forth to continue discussing if they need to discuss stuff. Meeting begins at 6:30 pm at the PS 15 Auditorium. 115 Sullivan Street
FRIDAY, APRIL 22
Gowanus Canal Cleanup. Celebrate Earth Day by putting on your scuba gear and diving to the bottom of the area’s most famous waterway. There’s lots of stuff down there and biodegradable plastic bags will be provided so you have someplace to put the little treasures. Sponsored by Foes of the Gowanus. Meet at Salty Lot, 3 pm.
SATURDAY, APRIL 23
Yoenis Cespedes Day. By now we’ll now whether the Mets made a colossal mistake in overpaying this baseball player who comes to work on a horse. If he’s got seven home runs by now, there will be a party at the Royal Palm. But if he’s got less than two, then everybody will have to go to Hometown BBQ for barbecued Cuban sandwiches. Follow the team leaders at MLB.com for full details.
SUNDAY, APRIL 31
Format for “Happenings” entries: Something somewhere in Red Hook whenever it’s supposed to be. Details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details, details. More details, more details, more details more details, more details…It’s not like people read these stupid happenings anyway. Contact Info. Ticket info. Address. This April fools edition of the
The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
is produced by the editorial staff of:
The
Red Hook StarªRevue
We are proud to feature the work of our collaborators in silliness, Nathan Weiser, Halley Bondy, Laura Eng, Mark Shames and our two ridiculous publishers. The Lunar-Revue and Star-Revue is published by Kimberly G. Price & George Fiala 481 Van Brunt Street, Brooklyn, NY 11231 718 624-5568 info@redhookstar.com
www.star-revue.com
April Fools 2016
All the splendors of a new trolley (continued from page 1)
streetcar line would be run by green energy. “We’re in the midst of securing the biggest contract with Energizer that their company has ever seen. I got the idea from a SuperBowl commercial nearly 20 years ago when I saw how long that bunny would run.”
and dangle from a handrail until the streetcar reaches its next stop. The Jaws of Life will be available at all stops to unclench their death grips from convenient outside handrails.
The trolley system will operate on a single rail, propelled through the streets and sky by solar, wind and battery power. “Of course there will be days when it is rainy, so the solar power will need to be backed up. There will be days without wind, and
An exasperated resident expressed concern over the disruption over the lights and noise. “How will we ever get any rest – any peace and quiet?!?” she demanded.
“The medic car will make the loop every 87 minutes, so that those requiring immediate attention will not have to wait more than an hour and a half. Anyone who needs emergency services will be able to track the traveling urgent care center on their smartphones.” we’ll need a contingency plan for that. When the greatest city on the planet faces blackout possibilities, we’ll be able to bring out two Energizer Bunnies. One will pull the car from the front; the other will push from the back. It’s really just simple physics, people,” the mayor explained.
In response, Mayor de Blasio said, “We’ll make every effort to make sure every hard-working community has at least 78 minutes of quiet time between. And if the trolley system runs as reliably as the B61 bus, we’re more likely to see 3 to 4 hours between non-disruptive time.”
Some riders will be parachuted to selected trolley stops with the aid of licensed pilots
Another concerned member of the community questioned the mayor on the reliability of the emergency services. “You stated before that we wouldn’t have to wait more than an hour and a half; now you’re saying in could be as long as 4 hours. How long will somebody suffering from a life-threatening ailment survive waiting for emergency trolley services?” “Look, we know it’s not a perfect system.
completely over-budget. By eliminating a segment of track that has to go across land, we will save hundreds of taxpayers’ pennies.”
Office of Design & Construction When asked by a member of the media why the route across the Basin couldn’t be a simple straight path over the body of water, de Blasio explained, “We have teams of really smart designers that have lain out all of our options. We have to think about not just some New York-
Trolley will make up for loss of hospital that mayor couldn’t save
The DOT initially expressed two areas of concern for the trashy idea. The first focused on the debris that would fall to into the driving lanes. Expert scientists determined it would be necessary to run Sanitation trucks through the area every 6 hours. Eliminating all parking spaces on these streets would allow for more truck traffic and constant street-sweeping.
Mayor de Blasio also promised to use the street car line to bring vital services to underserved communities, like Red Hook. In the 2013 Long Island College Hospital (LICH) debacle, the mayor was arrested protesting its closure. After promising to keep a “full-service hospital” for the neighborhood, he quickly reneged after his Pre-K plan was adopted by Governor Cuomo. He insists that he will continue pushing for “healthcare services” for Red Hook. In an effort to fulfill his wavering promise, one trolley will be equipped with medical professionals, hi-tech medical equipment, and emergency medical supplies. Loud sirens and bright emergency lights will be running at all times through the streets - all day, every day. This medic car will make the loop every 87 minutes, so that those requiring immediate attention will not have to wait more than an hour and a half. Anyone who needs emergency services will be able to track the traveling urgent care center on their smartphones. If the emergency is actually an emergency, patients will be able to jump aboard the moving car
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
over,” the mayor began. “I think many of you will appreciate the ingenuity of the plan. We’re going to bring back the garbage sites to Red Hook – but this time in a more positive, more progressive way. Many of the citizens here fought to have them removed because they served no purpose. But, this time, they will be serving a beautifully proposed proposal.” The rail system will be built upon up to eight feet of landfill along the right side of cobbled streets. The rail lines will be built atop the mounds of stinky garbage. The piles may be unstable at first, but will stabilize after the first couple of years. Until then, Mayor de Blasio warns that riders may experience “slight-to-moderate turbulence” but nothing “too extreme.”
Rotting garbage provides an innovative solution to the trolley passing over Red Hook’s cobblestoned streets.
Things are always going to go wrong. We’ll deal with these issues as they arise,” the mayor answered. More specific to the Red Hook area, de Blasio announced that a portion of the track would be a “loop-de-loop” giving riders “the thrill of a lifetime” on a “daily basis.” The double loop portion of the route will span the width of the Atlantic Basin. According to the mayor’s graphs, charts and doodles, this part of the trolley line is essential “to prevent the cost of the entire remarkable project from going
ers, but all New Yorkers - including the thrill-seekers of our great city.” A persistent media member asked if de Blasio was aware of the new Gowanus sewage park, he affirmed that he had. “We want the whole of Brooklyn to be one big amusement park. That’s the kind of world New Yorkers want to live in.” Another issue is how the trolley system will be able to survive the crumbling cobblestones along the proposed path. “We’ve thought through every element of this many times
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The second issue DOT took gumption with was the fire hazard. The mayor convinced them that the only flammable items New Yorkers get rid of are made of paper. “If we start seeing a rise in the number of gas cans being thrown away, we’ll reconsider our options. But right now, we should be recycling all paper products anyway.”
Meetings to add refinements The next step in the building of the trolleys is to hold completely pointless community meetings to suggest ideas that the city’s administration has no intention of listening to. A series of experts will be brought into these meetings to discuss how to build greenhouses out of CD cases, America’s favorite pie recipes, and other non-relevant topics.
April Fools, 2016, Page 3
Donald Trump causes commotion at the Red Hook Civic Association By Cosmo Politan
P
S 15 was filled to capacity last Wednesday for the Red Hook Civic Association monthly meeting. The overflowing crowd packed into the auditorium for the scheduled appearance of Donald J. Trump, notorious GOP frontrunner for the Republican nomination. The masses were so enormous that the 76th Precinct had to send for support staff, not only to handle the hundreds of people who jammed the school’s hallways, classrooms and entrances, but the YUGE throng of demonstrators and protesters surrounding PS 15. John McGettrick, the mustachioed president of the Civic Association, has a relationship with Trump that goes back decades. McGettrick is Vice President of Clark Security and Investigations, and was once hired by the Trump Organization to ferret out older woman who did not pay off their Atlantic City gambling debts. “We were able to identify a number of grandmothers who had claimed poverty, but in fact were the beneficiaries of life insurance policies that they were cashing in,” McGettrick confided to The Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue. McGettrick’s work was so appreciated and loved by The Donald that he was invited to the Trump Estate in Florida for a breakfast of chicken-fried steak, on everything bagels. “He told me that if I ever needed a favor, not to hesitate to ask,” McGettrick recalled. While he is not personally in favor of the Trump candidacy, McGettrick thought that having such a notorious guest speaker would revive interest in the Civic Association. The association got more than they bargained for. Hordes of Trump supporters clashed with protestors in Coffey Park, keeping the police busy and neighbors baffled. Inside, the billionaire regaled the multitudes with a banter that included jabs at hurricanes, nursing home operators, and even the NYC Parks Department. Trump spoke briefly about his presidential campaign – kind of; well, ac-
Trump in his well-known “What, Me Worry?” pose at PS 15 during the monthly Civic Association meeting. (Potzrebie photo)
tually, he only mentioned briefly that he was running. He spoke about how he could make better deals than just about anybody, but without a single detail. Then, he quickly entertained questions from his enthusiasts. One of the first questions came from somebody who wondered why it took so long to renovate Red Hook’s Coffey Park. “I heard about that, I heard about that.” Trump answered. “Before I came here to Red Hook I had my staff read back copies of the Star-Revue. They told me about the renovation delays, the lead in the ballfields, and even the giant bathroom proposed for Valentino Pier.” He went on… “First of all, let me tell you about bathrooms. I’ve stood on the dais of about a zillion presidential debates, and I’ve watched the Democratic ones as well. Let me tell you this. Those Democratic candidates, bless them both, are gee-
Trump supporters line the walls of the school auditorium.
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zers. I mean, I’m no spring chicken myself, but I take care of myself, I’m quite vigorous, actually, and I can hold it in. But those Dems, I mean they have to cut away from those debates every ten minutes or so just so those old-timers can relieve themselves. “Maybe some of you remember Wollman Rink in the 1980’s. It took the city forever to get it working, so I told them that my company could fix it in a few months. And we did! I am a winner. Win! Win! Win! You could look it up.” During the middle of The Donald’s speech, security guards abruptly removed McGettrick fearing that he might be sympathetic to protestors outside who were violently shaking the walls. Trump apologized for the interrupting snafu, but also noted that as president, he would “nip things in the bud” before “things REALLY get out of hand.” After the incident, in which McGettrick was barred from reentering his own meeting that he graciously invited the presidential candidate to, Trump casually continued his streamof consciousness rant as though the whole thing never happened. “When I’m President, I’m going to make sure that every park in the country gets renovated in three months. And they will all get reasonably sized bathrooms. I’ve got the best people! The best! I mean, where do you get these people. I know where to find them. This country will be in tip top shape once I take over. I mean, I don’t know anything about running a country, but I’ve been pretty damn good about running my company. We’ve got the best company in American. I am worth billions of dollars! Billions! Just read my financial reports.
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“Once I’m president, parks will be beautiful, the Gowanus will be sparkling, the ballfields will be full of kids playing baseball and footballs. American kids, by the way, because everybody here will be here legally. Some of my best friends are Mexican, but my friends are here legally. Ship shape and work ready! We’ll have sparkling ballfields and nobody will get hurt. Well, maybe once in a while on a bad slide to second base. Did you see that Tejada against the Dodgers. He got hurt. But he’s OK. He’s legal.” While some in the audience guffawed, others looked on in stunned astonishment. Robin Goeman of Van Brunt Street was ashen when The Lunar-Revue met up with her. “This man doesn’t know anything about running a country,” she said. “It is unbelievable to me that he is even being considered for this job,” she went on. “I am scared for the elderly, who need compassion and justice in the courts. What’s he going to do, appoint the Three Stooges as judges?” Brett Underhill, also of Van Brunt, was similarly shaken. “I was thinking of moving out of Red Hook anyway, but even Canada would be too close if he took over,” he said. Wally Bazemore of Columbia Street seemed less alarmed. “Current president aside, this country has been run by jokers my whole life. At least this joker has good comedic delivery,” he said. At the close of the meeting, Trump was rushed out by Secret Service guards into a limousine, who took him to Valentino Pier, where a waiting helicopter took him home to Mar a Lago in Florida. McGettrick watched him leave from outside and was heard muttering “I’ll never do that again!”
April Fools 2016
Atlantic Basin Mystery SOLVED! by Horatio Hornblower
I
n June 2015, the NYC Economic Development Corporation (EDC) announced plans for a new commuter ferry connecting Red Hook with other parts of Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens at a comparable rate to subway fare. Improving Red Hook’s transportation connections has been an issue for the greater part of a century. But EDC’s choice of a landing at the very end of Van Brunt Street was met with utter disbelief, as it presented a very long walk for the bulk of Red Hook residents. When asked why the obvious landing wasn’t considered – the little used Atlantic Basin - an EDC representative looked uncomfortable as she told the group that the Basin could in no way be used. The Atlantic Basin dates back to 1841 when Colonel Daniel Richards created a bustling port. By 1884, it held 40 acres of water with a 200-foot-wide entrance. The port took an economic downturn a few years after WWII because of the more efficient process of containerization. In 2006, the Port Authority opened the Cruise Terminal. The renewed Red Hook community proposed a repurposing of the basin, but for unknown reasons, every idea was rejected. The seemingly logical idea of using the basin for a community ferry terminal was also rejected. EDC cleared up the mystery in their most recent study. They will be building the new launching area at the Henry Street Basin, on property owned by the Gowanus GBX. This socalled compromise makes it inconvenient to both the front and the back of Red Hook, in what might be called an “equal-opportunity” inconvenience. However, the report revealed something else. During their century-long operation, transatlantic ships brought cargo to Red Hook. They also brought something else – giant Conger eels. It has been hypothesized by evolutionary marine biologists that the giant Conger Eel, which is capable of growing to 20 feet long, have a capacity for higher thought due to their oversized cranial capacity. The eels originate from the Sargasso Sea, which lies in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and is the only sea on earth with no coastline. Instead, it is bordered by the Gulf Stream and other currents. Its water differs from surrounding the ocean in ways that have not yet been fully discovered. Conger eel eggs latched themselves onto the hulls of the cargo ships in the Sargasso Sea and hatched off of the ships docked in Red Hook. They slowly formed colonies in the middle of the Atlantic Basin, just doing regular things that eels do - like slithering. When the Gowanus Canal flushing tunnel was built in 1911, waste from
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
Now that the secret is out, the conger eels play openly in the Atlantic Basin.
factories was flushed into the Atlantic Basin. A “trigger chemical” was deposited along with coal tar, sewage and other contaminants. Years of the trigger chemical invading the waters of the Atlantic Basin caused the eels brain to activate. During EDC’s study of the appropriateness of the Atlantic Basin for maritime use, they first discovered a sign that read, “All eels are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” When the government agency took a closer look, they thought they had uncovered the lost city of Atlantis.
fending their territories were forced to the outskirts of the communities. Smaller, feeble eels were forced to live among the bottom feeders and cater to the corrupt highest ranking of the species. Younger, more virile adults – predominantly males – took over and built luxury condos and penthouses with exquisite views from the top of their illustrious domain. EDC quietly reported their findings to the FBI and CIA in 2007. To protect the secret, the EDC was required to issue RFPs several times a year to conceal detection. The security orga-
“When the government agency took a closer look, they thought they had uncovered the lost city of Atlantis.” Inky areas that appeared on aerial photographs were actually underwater sliver buildings. The structures were laid in in a grid, with well-defined streets. Commercial and residential areas were also apparent. When the eels first began building evolving into sophisticated creatures, their structures were rudimentary. Their earliest renditions resembled teepees and hogans. Scientists believe that conger eels’ cognizance developed quickly spurred on by the chemical. Researchers report that by the mid-1960s, the eels lived in a modern and bustling cities built in the shallow depths of the Atlantic Basin. As the eels continued to evolve, they began to develop socio-economic classes. Older eels less capable of de-
nizations also demanded that EDC reject all RFPs from that point forward. The Conger eel colony was classified as top-secret information. Charles Darwin held back publication of On the Origin of the Species - his work on evolution – because he was afraid the world would not accept his premise that man was descended form apes. The book was published in 1859, receiving backlash from the religious communities. Top government officials believed that EDC’s discovery would further incite religious organizations. Darwin’s theories were controversial, sparking much debate; it was difficult for some people to accept human evolution. The FBI and CIA agreed that it would be very difficult for society to accept these Conger eels as
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their equals. After intense pressure from the Red Hook community to put a ferry stop in the Atlantic Basin, EDC was ordered to conduct a mock study of the area as part of the rouse. While exploring the exact depths of the basin, an instrument harpooned a high-ranking Conger eel. A local community journalist from the Red Hook Star-Revue captured the flailing animal being resuscitated by crew members with her smartphone. This is the situation that the EDC now faces. They are an organization meant to support economic activity and accompanying real estate development. An executive decision was made to expand their role from simply human economic development to ANY economic development. EDC has applied to the NYC Landmarks Preservation Society to have Erie Basin designated a historic district, in order to disturb the still evolving eels.
This is Peppy, a happy eel, now that he is allowed to travel around Red Hook.
April Fools, 2016, Page 5
Boone’s
Edytoryal
Corner NAYSAYERS by Daniel Boone Olmsted
T
he wait is finally over; affordable housing is coming to Central Park!
The Department of Housing Preservation and Development (HPD) has made an initial allocation of $25 million to create affordable units in a long vacant park area. For those naysayers who don’t believe that the current administration is capable of proposing anything but shadow casting skyscrapers, hold your horses! In contrast to its most recently sponsored construction projects, HPD, in conjunction with the Parks Department and the DOT, is committed to a low-rise and low low-density development. The bucolic setting will offer such quiet that residents will hear the songbirds sing. But to maintain affordability each unit will be cozy and designed for currently underserved single occupancy. The world-renowned architect, Gabby Hayes, took his inspiration from the rustic minimalist digs where in his misspent youth he would sleep off drunkenness. The new structures will not necessarily “rise” from the ground as most skyscrapers, but will actually be built among the tree tops. The plan was a compromise between the Parks Department – who were adamant about not losing any parkland – and HPD – who were absolutely flabbergasted that NYC has built on every other available square inch of land in the city. The new units will not be built directly on the land, but instead on existing landscaping. “By building atop the trees, we can provide affordable housing without sacrificing the greenspace,” Parks Department spokesperson, Naomi Winston said. “It’s a win-win-win for everybody!”
“The new structures will not necessarily “rise” from the ground as most skyscrapers, but will actually be built among the tree tops.” The aerie abodes will be a spacious 10’ by 12’ space. There are amenities galore. Each complex will be equipped with running water of two varieties – hot and cold. A six-month supply of bird feed will be supplied to new tenants who sign a 2-year lease. Renters will also live in the comfort of gently swaying dwellings as the
Page 6 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
Central Park prototype (photo courtesy NYC Mayor’s office)
wind travels through the branches underneath their homes. This amenity will be even more exciting during the winter months when wind gusts are stronger. To stretch one’s legs, an ample outdoor space on each end of the wide central corridor this outdoor space - dubbed “The Paddock” – will be built to connect residents’ trees to their neighboring trees. In keeping with the equine theme – as well as to foster a sense of community – most meals will be shared at the commissary at “The Trough.” If traffic noises try to intrude upon this tranquil setting, barn wood walls and straw strewn floors will be provided by the City to dampen such jarring sounds. The City is touting the reduction in dangerous and time consuming cross-town commutes. It is also playing up the prestigious Central Park address at such a reasonable price. However, some in the target community enjoy their current co-op living, fear that there just won’t be enough units for all, bask in the cache of the Upper Westside, and delight in their morning stroll across town. They fear the new affordable housing will make these aspects less pleasurable. The only thing that keeps us from getting on board and applying the whip until this innovative project is completed is its non-park use of the high-altitude parkland, union opposition, and a recalcitrant City Council. The administration vows to jump all obstacles and end up in the winner’s circle.
In today’s kulture of teknoligy and soshal media, yung people are terning ta more dum writing styles. U can c it n there abbreviashons and misspelt werds. As Editer of the Bleu Pencil Lunar-Reveiw, i find it appalling how often i hafta comb threw they’re writings and basicly retype all of their werds. Its really schocking how many misstakes i hafta change. i dunno what ta do about this problem. I tryed and tryed to werk w/ all of them, but theproblems seam to be gettin’ werse and werse. If Facebook and #Twitter wasnt such a epidemic in are society, i think chilfren wood learn alot more better. if u try ta read something they wrote, u have ta stare at them werds fer like a whole dam minut just ta get threw one stoopid sentense! I just thunk that if we’da had less #ing and more proper spelt werds, may be our kids wooda growed up more edukated. Now, when them kids start ta be teechers and law-yers, we gonna have non-edukated fools teeching not good lessons. Then, this world is gonna slowly get dummer and dummer. Who knows what 2mrw will be like with all the newfangled abbreviashons and slang talk. Don’t make no sense ta me, but i’m still doin my part to pass on the wisedom to the next generashuns. Btw, did ya no that saying “btw” is like, more sillables than just sayin’ “by the way?” Now u no. Just sayin’...
Luxury in Red Hook
Presenting Red Hook newest luxury condo - The Revere. The Revere is a historically accurate restoration of a cherished landmarked - newly updated with all the latest essentials, and rebuilt to FEMA specifications. Units starting at $2.5 million. You won’t be disappointed! Odin Equities - Old Sugar Street, Havana - 51-1-238-2233
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April Fools 2016
The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
presents a special feature - Shabigail O’Adams, who has everyday answers to everyday questions.
Annoying habit
Nose-hair
head, it is not yet ripe. If it sticks, mushes, and slides down the wall leaving a trail of blackish-green goo, they are over ripe. The best way to determine when an avocado is ripe is to simply plant the pit. After a few weeks, the plant will sprout. Simply hold an avocado above the plant’s tallest stalk and wait for a response. A sneeze means it’s ripe. A grunt means it’s rotten. However, when the plant smiles at you, it’s telling you to peel that bumpy skin back and dig in! Happy eating, Shabby
Dear Shabby, My mother-in-law has an annoying habit. Her nose hairs have gotten quite long, and she never trims them. When she comes over for dinner or a chat, she absent-mindedly sits there and twirls them – first one way, then the other. This is hard to put up with, especially over a meal. How can I let her know that most people, especially grandmothers, trim their overgrown nose hairs? ---Tired of watching Dear Tired, Never underestimate a woman’s vanity. She perhaps once had a lover who adored those same nose hairs you speak of. The sentimental value may be far greater than you can imagine. By the sounds of it, these nose hairs could quite possibly be the originals that were caressed by her long-lost Casanova. Even though this tryst may have ended 50 or 60 years ago, she is still clearly – and quite literally – very attached to them. Here’s a little fun fact about nose hairs: They are very resilient little buggers and rarely fall out in the course of a human’s life time. My advice is to stay very attached to your own nose hairs. You never know what memories you’ll be revisiting while twirling your own nose hairs over your granddaughter’s pot roast. Best, Shabby
Needs avocado help Dear Shabby, I never know when to cut an avocado. Either I have to use a sledgehammer to get them open, or I wait too long, and they become mushy and black inside. I do remember when my mom did this, I liked avocados. My question is whether or not there is some sort of avocado thermometer that will tell me when they are ready to open. --- Mushy Tumuch Dear Mushy, Man, this fruit ripening stuff is really tricky business! You don’t actually need a thermometer to decipher when avocados are ripe. Vegetable and fruit thermometers are more widely used to determine if the produce is proportionally darker or lighter in color than its genetic makeup indicates. For avocados, simply throw them at your walls. If it bounces back and smacks you upside the fore-
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
Fountain of yuck Dear Shabby, I once heard that drinking water from the Gowanus could make you younger. I tried it, but all that happened is that I got violently ill. Now my skin is yellow. Do you have any other suggestions for looking younger? ---Gonce de Leon Gonce, I have three surefire was to make yourself look younger. I’ll make you a list, and you can decide which combination of these techniques works best for you. 1. Find a childhood picture of yourself. Blow it up to either 5x7 or 8x10, depending on the size of your head. Finally, staple the photo to the middle of your forehead. Your friends will notice the change in your appearance immediately. 2. Embalm yourself. This process will give your skin a special glow only found in wax museums. Most people opt to only have their faces embalmed. It is extremely important that that you specify that you want your eyes and brain unaltered. Otherwise the effects are quite catastrophic. 3. Mix cold cream, coffee grounds and epoxy in the palm of your right hand (unless you are left handed, use your left.) Cross your eyes and stare deeply into the mixture for 12 seconds while muttering “wombat” over and over. Then simply uncross your eyes and look directly into the mirror. Your reflection will appear younger. Good luck! Shabby
Bump in the night Dear Shabby, I am wondering whether people still wear pajamas. I do wear them at home, in fact my favorite pair is a light blue and has a white tail and floppy feet holders. But when I go on business trips, people in the hotel, especially the ones I invite to my
Dear
room, think I’m strange. Am I strange?
---Bugsy Wabbit Dear Bugsy, Yes. Shabby
Digits problem Dear Shabby, I forgot how many fingers you are supposed to have. I know it’s somewhere between 9 and 12, but ever since I started going to NY Giant football games, I’ve gotten mixed up. I have never been good at math, but I think I have 11. Can you set me straight? --- Lost on the 4th of July. Dear JPP, Thanks for your letter! I’m a huge fan. But let’s not be elusive here. I’m pretty sure that the world knows you have 9 fingers. But I must say, the world looks forward to watching you play ball in 9 years when you only have palms and wrists to make those super-fly, all-star catches. None of us can wait to celebrate the birth of this great nation in 2016, partly because we so much look forward to the salacious gossip of your festivities. The Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue would love to do a scoop… Seriously, you’re amazing! What a comeback!!! Much love, Shabby
Twister Dear Shabby, I need some help. My wife likes to sleep with the windows open, but I like them closed. My question is whether fuzzy wuzzy was a bear? I have another question. Does a woodchuck really chuck wood? My wife won’t tell me. ---Bald on Clinton Street Dear Bald, Little Tommy Tucker sat on a sucker. Liar, liar, pumpkin eater. Cheater, cheater, pants on fire. Three blind mice can see – but only when they run. Humpty Dumpty actually sits in an egg crate because he’s fragile. Peter Piper picked petunias, not peppers. Mary had a black sheep, not a miniscule lamb. I hope this clears everything up! Shabby
shabbY Dear Shabby is a syndicated feature of the Blue Loonies, LLC him despite his anachronistic habits. First of all, he parts his hair in the middle and smokes these big, smelly cigars. He usually wears tweed suits with suspenders. Sometimes he hums Rudy Vallee songs. But the worst of is that he refuses to use a computer. He insists on using a clunky old typewriter. After he finishes a page, he takes great joy in ripping the sheet out of the platen and saying, pretty loudly. “Aha!” How can I tell him nicely to get with it and start word processing? The typewriter noise is driving me batty, and I can’t stand the smell of the damn white out. --an American spectator Bob, I love my typewriter, my hairstyle, my fashion sense, and my “big, smelly cigars.” They keep me around because I have invaluable advice and am saving one moron at a time. You may be an editor. But you’re not my editor. I’m not fooled by your thin disguise of “magazine” – you work for the same smutty paper I do. I have asked you repeatedly to stop making “subtle hints” -as you call them - about your distaste for me. I will continue my routine as I have done for the past 48 years – way back when you were still wearing poopy diapers! By the way, your wife’s fruit cake is disgusting. I only said I liked it to be polite. Please stop sending it over in bricks. I have plenty enough to re-grout both of my bathrooms. Insincerely, Shabby
Can’t hear
Use electricity! Dear Shabby, I have a problem with somebody in the office. I am a magazine editor and I work on a floor with other editors and writers. The problem is this guy who works two desks away from me. He writes very good satire, which I guess is why they keep
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Dear Shabby, My husband is crazy. I mean, he’s a nice guy and does nice things for me, but his memory is just about shot. The other day, I told him that I was going to wash his socks; he gave me a toolbox to go out and change his shocks. He doesn’t even flinch when I scream at him and I’m thinking he doesn’t even know I’m screaming. He refuses to get a hearing aid because he thinks that’s for old people. For gosh sakes, Shabby, he’s 75
years old!
--Tired of shouting. Dear Gold Digger, You should have known what you were getting into when you married someone 40 years your senior. And for goodness sakes, stop screaming at him! If he can’t hear you, yelling isn’t going to give him a heart attack and kill him so that you can collect on your investment. Instead, buy a battery-powered microphone to carry around with you everywhere. Speak softly into it, as so not to startle him too much. Definitely don’t buy a bullhorn, for that will shock and kill him quickly. Also don’t replace his blood pressure medicine with baby laxatives, which would most likely do him in immediately. Good luck!, Shabby
Problem with bikini Dear Shabby, Summer is coming and it’s time to get in swimsuit shape. Here’s the problem: I love eating cheese whiz on bagel sandwiches. Up until now, I’ve been supplanting that with fried chicken and rice balls, with a little cottage cheese on the side. Do you think if I eliminate the cottage cheese I might lose some weight? --Smarty with a cherry on top Dear Smarty, Two-thirds of college graduates prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate. Statistics for high school graduates wasn’t mentioned in the report I read. Dogs can hear higher pitched sounds than humans can because their ears are fashioned to receive sound waves we cannot. Yesterday, I picnicked in the park while rereading The Great Gatsby. It’s my favorite; I think I’ve read it about 6 times so far. Pickle juice will help you detox. Does this answer your question? I’d say that this advice isn’t too “shabby!” Sincerely, Shabby
April Fools, 2016, Page 7
Carroll Gardens Easter Terror
C
hildren everywhere dream of the cuddly Bunny that drops a basket full of chocolates, candies and other goodies at their doorsteps every Easter morn. Many stay up late with their hands full of freshly dyed eggs hoping for a glimpse of the adorable, fluffy bunny the world has come to love. However, this year, total mayhem surrounded the bunny’s visit. Children en mass woke up at dawn to find baskets devoid of jellybeans, peanut butter eggs, and pastel malt balls. Mysteriously, their beautifully decorated and carefully placed eggs had also disappeared. Mothers and fathers alike consoled their grief-stricken children throughout mass, promising the Bunny had simply overslept and would most likely make the anticipated drops during morning Mass. But wretched wails of children everywhere echoed throughout the cathedrals world-wide. The children were nearly placated and quickly became ecstatic in Carroll Gardens as they left Mass just before noon on Sunday when they spotted the furry creature. “Look Mommy,” one child exclaimed. “The Easter Bunny! There he is! It’s okay that he’s late, but what is he doing with our eggs?”
Simply horrific Parents were appalled as they viewed the surroundings and quickly reached down to cover their children’s curious eyes. While the huffing and puffing Mr. Bunny continued to ruin Easter, witness claim he was ranting, “Take that, old timer! I could beat the curse of the Great Bambino!” and “Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck! Let’s Go, Bo-SOX!!!” Mr. Bunny grabbed an another arm-
Water Taxi’s new idea After the city announced plans for a new city-wide ferry service, the obvious choice was an operator that already existed; The New York Water Taxi (NYWT) threw their hat in the ring. In February 2016, the city denounced NYWT in favor of Horn Blower, the San Francisco based company that currently operates the ferries to the Statue of Liberty. In an initial announcement, NYWT threatened to suspend service indefinitely between Red Hook and Wall Street, as well as multiple other destinations along the New York shoreline. “The more we talked about shutting down operations, the more this seemed like a terrible idea,” NYWT spokeswoman Amelia Davis Said. “Thousands of our passengers would be without service, and we would be letting the city triumph. We chose a more strategic plan.” In late a late March press release, NYWT announced a total revamping of their services. They will be catering to the hipsters of North-
Page 8 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
by Roger Rarebit
ful of eggs and continued hurling them at the surrounding buildings. The children’s masterpieces collided with the brownstones cracking their colorful, outer shells and crumbling down the facades. Alarmed parents threw themselves over their shrieking children to protect them from the impact of the eggs. One mother, Sissy Speckle denounced Mr. Bunny’s actions saying, “They were hard boiled! You can’t egg houses with hard boiled eggs. That’s total lunacy! It’s like toilet papering a house with paper towels.” She shook her head and continued. “What is this world coming to when a giant bunny destroys childhood by egging houses incorrectly?” Just as the whole ordeal seemed to be coming to an end, retired Yankees pitcher Jorge Posada exited the Catholic church, inciting Mr. Bunny
“You can’t egg houses with hard boiled eggs. That’s total lunacy! It’s like toilet papering a house with paper towels.” all over again. Immediately, the fluffy beast sprang to his feet and violently began taking out road signs, traffic lights and anything else that came into his path with his fuzzy cotton tail. Families rushed to take shelter inside the closest safe haven. At the same time, the 76th Precinct, Emergency Service Unit (ESU), and the National Guard arrived on the scene. ESU then yelled over to officers, reminding them not to take out Mr. Bunny. “Don’t shoot; don’t shoot! Take cover! He’s not armed!!!” One ern Brooklyn. By providing specialized services to this special niche, they are anticipating “hipsterdom” will spread more quickly throughout Brooklyn and the other four boroughs. As more and more hipsters invade other parts of the city, the trend should spread their gentrification to the far corners of the city. The taxis will be renamed after prominent hipsters. Their maiden boat will be named after Rick Stevens, who is claiming to be the original hipster on social media. Another boat will be named after Williamsburg resident, Robert Lanham, who published The Hipster Handbook in 2003. Matt Granfield penned the 2011 book entitled HipsterMattic, and will be honored with a boat. NYWT will also be offering unique amenities on board to cater to hipsters. The special services on every boat will include thrift stores that buy and sell vintage clothing; fedora pop-ups on the upper decks during warmer months; Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap, and cheap red wine by the bottle; bike racks on the taxi hulls; do-it-yourself juicing bars; and a va-
The Easter Bunny going bonkers outside of Carroll Park. (photo by R. Asputin)
National Guard officer commented to the Lunar-Revue that he did not want his unit to be responsible for the next movement, “#BunnyLivesMatter.”
test, and later detained at the local precinct. His blood alcohol content was 0.26; his illegal substance tests came back negative.
While the groups were discussing possible courses of action, Mr. Bunny jumped on top of a 76th Precinct patrol car and started violently shaking his tail and doing the Chicken Dance. Members of the National Guard shot Mr. Bunny in his furry chest, immediately taking down the monster.
Mr. Bunny pled guilty at his arraignment the following day. He also issued a statement explaining his actions. “It has come to my attention that the curse inflicted in 1918 by Babe Ruth to my favorite baseball team, the Boston Red Sox, has been broken three times - in 2004, 2007, and in 2013. I was unaware of these championship titles because I am not an October Bunny, but an Easter one. My unfaltering love for the Red Sox Nation knows no bounds. “I am deeply regretful of my actions while inebriated. I realize I am a role model for children everywhere, and this unfortunate display of discretion tarnishes my reputation. However, I must say that Jorge Posada is entirely too old to play baseball and should retire.” Mr. Bunny concluded his speech, saying, “I would like to congratulate Mr. Posada on his retirement in 2012.”
Utter disappointment Tear-stained faces of destroyed childhood dreams peered from behind the curtains of egg-stained windows. Some bravely ventured outside to witness the tragedy first-hand. Fiveyear-old Mika Schwartz walked up to the patrol, looked sadly at Mr. Bunny, and then to the officer. She said, “Mister, you killed the Easter Bunny...” The kind officer looked down at little Mika and softly replied, “No, darlin’. He’s not dead. I shot him with a tranquilizer. He’s just sleeping.” Mr. Bunny was scooped up and taken into custody. He was examined for physical wounds, given a psychiatric
Mr. Bunny is currently being held without bail at Riker’s Island.
riety of gluten-free, vegan, organic, GMO free, high protein, low fat, soy vending machines.
purchase for anyone who doubts the immediate impacts of forehead-tochin paint plastering.
New RHAP program
Managing Director, Tiffiney Davis was the first to try out the new line of facial products. Her cheeks were painted orange to boost collagen production. Her eyelids were painted blue to help nourish eyelash growth. Her nose was painted yellow, her chin bright green, and her forehead was painted pink.
Red Hook Art Project (RHAP), a local nonprofit that offers art and homework help to local youth, has added cosmetology to their curriculum. Students will now be offering complimentary and experimental facials to brave volunteers who are willing to be lab rats for the new courses. “We first had the idea from clay masks. A generous donor left over 300 pounds of clay at our doorstep one morning,” explained founder and Executive Director, Deirdre Swords. “If the clay is so effective, why wouldn’t other mediums of the art world work just as well as skin care products?” The group will be plastering faces with acrylic paint with a topcoat of watercolors to interested parties beginning April 3. Because it is ridiculously expensive, oil paints can be added to the mix for an extra $15 upon request. A generous supply of linseed oil will also be available for
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After the initial application, Davis promptly ran through the streets of Red Hook proclaiming, “Look at me! I’m glowing!!! Look at me! I’m glowing!!! Look at me! I’m glowing!!!...”
Star-Revue editor and numskull Kimberly Price indulges in a RHAP facelift.
April Fools 2016
Red Hook to be home of new sports complex built quickly because the NYC Parks Department is not involved by Johann D. Muir
T
he massive Red Hook Park Complex will all miraculously be open for usage in July attracting people from all over Brooklyn because of its futuristic facilities and amenities. They will all be safe to use for kids because of a brand new innovation that will be able to immediately replace the current issues with the clap of ones hands. State-of-the-art baseball, soccer, softball and football fields will be made in Staten Island and be transported into the Red Hook Park Complex for kids from all over the borough to enjoy. This will be the first time that fields will have ever been built like this and swiftly put in a park complex. July 1 will be the officially opening day for these multi-million dollar fields that will have all been paid for by an anonymous donor. Notable sports players from area teams are slated to show up for the ribbon cutting of the new field complex. Some of them include CC Sabathia, Brett Gardner, Carmelo Anthony, Jaiquawn Jarrett, Curtis Granderson, Matt Harvey and Alex Rodriguez. Anthony is slated to give a three-minute speech on opening day, have his name on five of the fields and help design the new soccer field because he lived in Red Hook until he was eight years old.
Brand new stadium The premier baseball field at the new complex will primarily be utilized by youth teams, high school teams as well as college teams. Also, this baseball field, which will be just as nice as the Brooklyn Cyclones stadium in Coney Island, will host the Cyclones for 25 of their home games, making it easier for people from South Brooklyn to see the borough’s minor league team. To encourage locals to come to games, tickets for all Red Hookers will be only $1. Red Hook’s baseball field will seat 5,000 fans, have top-of-the line concessions and a retractable roof so that it will be able to used when it rains or is cold. The stadium will attract many people from Manhattan because there is not stadium in the borough anywhere close to this one. However, Brooklyn residents will have to pay $5 to use the field, but the residents of Manhattan will have to fork over $20 encouraging locals to use it as much as possible. The minor leaguers on the Mets farm team in Brooklyn will give clinics to area kids from ages 10-17 at the Red Hook field complex since it will have just opened. They have not done any clinics for kids in Coney Island during their 15 there. The kids in Red Hook will fall in love with the Cyclones much more than the Coney Island kids have. For the 25 games in Red Hook, the Cyclones will have kids of Red Hook
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
work as bat-boy and assist the players in their preparation before and after the game. A special perk of having the team in Red Hook will be that the three players who show the most improvement and skills during the clinics will get to play in games during the last week of the season in early September. The adults who attend the game will be rewarded if they are louder than everyone else while cheering during the game. The fan with the most emotion and loudest voice during the 7th inning stretch will receive free seats for the rest of the season and a $100 to spend at the team store. There will also be trivia and activities between innings for the fans. However, the difference between this stadium and other minor league stadiums is that the winners - who must be from Brooklyn - will win $50 for every correct answer and $10 as a consolation prize just for trying.
New soccer fields Red Hook’s premier athletic destination will also have three state-ofthe-art soccer fields. One field will be grass and the other two will be AstroTurf. The latter will not require as much maintenance. The three soccer fields will be lit from 6 pm - 11 pm throughout the year, but especially in the fall and winter so that leagues and pick-up games can be played at night. Competitive and casual leagues will be encouraged to play soccer here There will be an annual inter-borough matchup with teams from Manhattan. Talent evaluators will watch the competitive leagues that play at these brand new fields. The 17-year-old player from Red Hook who shows the most sportsmanship and ability will get to practice with NYCFC soccer team at Yankee Stadium and watch a game from the sideline. The coach whose team improves the most over the course of the season will be the guest coach of an NYCFC game. The new complex will also have a softball stadium that seats 5,000 people, which will be paid for by a second anonymous donor. This stadium will rival the stadiums of the best Division One softball programs. The organizers will encourage as many females to come out as possible. At least one team playing at this stadium will immediately join the United States Softball League (USSL). Finally, there will be one football field next to the three soccer fields. The football field will be surrounded by a refurbished track in place of the one currently in Red Hook. The football field will only be used by high school teams during the fall. High school athletes who are training during the spring and summer will utilize the track. Coaches from the Jets and Giants will lead workouts in the
summer and the whole community will be encouraged to use the track for fitness. National media will cover the opening of the fields on July 1 because it will be the first of its kind. The whole neighborhood is expected to attend games and utilize the fields because of how impressive and inviting they
will be. A third anonymous donor will be paying people to watch teams practice in the beginning so that gamelike conditions can be simulated. This complex will bring in visitors from all over the city and even New Jersey because of all of the unbelievable fields such in a confined area.
NYC AND EPA TO CREATE POOPER’S PARADISE (continued from page 1)
city,” Fox said. “Nobody can take issue with retention tanks when they’re flying down a sick freefall going 55 miles per hour.” The EPA initially dismissed the whole idea as tasteless and extravagant, but ultimately, they relented. Even though the city is required to comply with the EPA’s federal orders, NYC has been fighting the agency every step of the way. At one point the city proposed alternate plans to seize a property across the street from the park and house the retention tanks Logo for new theme park crethere. This plan would have become a ated by Gowanus By Design litigation -nightmare costing millions and dragging on for decades. So, when the city seemed intent on a water park -giddy, in fact - the EPA pounced on the opportunity. “Honestly, I’m done. I’m done, done, done!” said EPA Project Chair Christo Stamos. “If you want a stupid water park, fine. Just clean up the damn canal!” The City Of New York and National Grid were the main polluters of the canal, so they are responsible for footing the bill for the cleanup. In 2010, The Gowanus Canal was designated a Superfund site, urging the polluters to take action. After causing delays upon delays, the City will start cleaning the canal immediately so that the water park will be completed for a midsummer opening in July. “Look, we’ll do our best,” Department of Environmental Protection Commissioner, Emily Floyd said. “Mainly, we just want the water park up quickly so that people can have a little whimsical fun and put this whole ordeal behind them.” Red Hook residents who attended the press conference were torn. “I’m not sure about the whole thing. Is it even possible to clean up all that pollution in three months?” asked Red Hook resident Tammy Thomas. “But, my son loves poop jokes, so I’ll definitely be bringing him!”
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April Fools, 2016, Page 9
POLICE BLOTTER
Ill-mannered Rabbits In early March, police took down a gang of rabbits that have been plaguing Red Hook Community Farm for weeks. The creatures were first spotted on Walcott Street hungrily eying the newly sprouted rutabagas in the garden. After eating their fill, they relocated to Coffey Park. After weeks of procreation, the gang had quadrupled in size. The sting, dubbed “Operation Bunny Foo Foo,” brought 23 rabbits of all ages into custody. At least 17 more are still on the lam. They are all being charged with breaking and entering, destruction of private property, indecent exposure, and endangering the welfare of minor rabbits. The rabbits are being held without bail.
The Lunar-Revue Interviews Carlos Menchaca everyday. Since I denounced blue as my favorite color in 2014, we’ve added a precautionary clause to our annual budget. We spent a great deal of time and money adding green elements to the district. You will notice more green hues in the color of the sky, for example. There are less colors in gardens and parks because we’ve made all of the flowers and trees bloom green – even in the fall when leaves are wont to change other colors.
Drone scare A barrage of NYPD helicopters swarmed a private drone over Easter weekend because they suspected criminal mischief or a security breach. Comptroller Scott Stringer immediately released a report that estimated the cost of the investigation to be $23,000-$25,000. Drone owner, William Blance, was not charged but brought in for questioning. He was later released when cops realized his drone was chasing a big beautiful butterfly. “The pictures were simply stunning,” one officer reported.
Sun scares birds At approximately 6:47 am on Friday, March 25, an off-duty officer arrested an assorted variety of birds who were chirping loudly outside his window. The frightened birds were interrogated, and later released with a warning. The official notice warned that “the bright glowing orb arises every morning, and that maybe - just once – they could keep their stupid beaks shut.”
Sock drawer robbery Officers stopped and questioned a man fleeing a deli on Lorraine Street at 4:59 pm on March 26. The man claimed he had robbed his own sock drawer of nearly $12, but intended to reimburse himself the following week. The incident is still under investigation, and the suspect is “fully cooperating.”
Disturbing the plants Police were called to Valentino Park at 2:54 am after residents complained of excessive noise. Handel McBudgjski was reported shouting at the local goats who, once again, made an elusive escape. McB was issued a summons and is expected to plead guilty to disturbing the peace of newly planted flowerbeds.
Concrete evidence Police are looking for a group of hooligans who drew their initials into wet cement on the corner of Dwight and Verona Streets. The offensive act occurred on the night of March 13 between 7-9 pm. The NYPD is currently trying to decipher the message in hopes it will lead them to either “I. Love” or “RH.”
Page 10 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
This is not a decision I take lightly. Green is a beautiful color. That doesn’t mean that other colors aren’t just as significant. I just feel that green is the right color for this district at this time.
The Star-Revue has been unsuccessfully trying to pin down Councilman Carlos Menchaca since before his election. However, the Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue – a far superior publication to that jaunty mishap – has the Q-Why do you feel best suited to repexclusive scoop on all of the impor- resent the constituents of your district whose favorite color is purple? tant issues. Carlos: We’re not always going to Q - On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do agree on what is best. As the local you prefer sweet pickles to dill pickles? elected official, I have to choose what Carlos: I wouldn’t say that I prefer is best for the majority. sweet pickles to any kinds of pickles, Green is not a primary color, like yelreally. My district is made up of con- low and red are. It’s a combination of stituents that like all kinds of pickles. blue and yellow. By choosing green, We need to get all races, genders, and I’m representing not just green, but varieties to come together for a com- also constituents whose favorite colpromise that works for us all. ors are green, yellow and blue. In the grand scheme of things, pickles aren’t the real issue. They’re the end result we use to mask the problem. The real issue is cucumbers. All pickles start as cucumbers. It’s really about making sure each and every cucumber has the same opportunities as all of the others.
Purple is a combination of red and blue. By choosing green – half blue, half yellow – I’m also half representing purple-lovers. In the future, purple may take over as the new fad. At that time, I will be open to discussing options on if and when I’ll jump on the purple bandwagon. And we should be able to secure the necessary funds to repaint the district without cutting into taxpayer dollars or PB funding.
Cucumbers’ choices matter. If they want to be sweet, or dill, or hamburger chips – maybe even pickle relish – it should be up to the individual. We shouldn’t be making these choices for them. In our society, pickles should Q-What is your favorite use for WD-40? Carlos: Hands down – shining my shoes. have the right to choose. I love it that when I walk through City Q - Why isn’t green your favorite color? Hall, they don’t even squeak. Carlos: I know there has been some debate about my color preferences. Q-I like your shoes. They are shiny. When we started this process for elec- Will you trade with me? tion in 2013, I was new to the world That’s a good question. I think the of declaring favorites- especially col- real question is how can make the ors. Before I was elected, I didn’t have government work for you and all all of the facts. Now that I’ve been in of its citizens. I only have 13 other office for a couple of years, I can deci- pairs in my closet. But there are over sively say that I have chosen green as 10,000 people in my district. It’s not enough to go around, even if I only my favorite color. At the same time, we live in a world gave one shoe to each person. that is ever-changing. Sometimes my choices must change to adapt to my duties as councilman of District 39. In the meantime, we’ve gone to great lengths to make sure the district represents green. Q - How many tax dollars to you estimate will be wasted on repainting every time you change your mind about the color wheel? Carlos: It’s not something we deal with
Instead, why don’t we work together to organize a rally where W-D40 is available for everyone in District 39? We can bring in experts to demonstrate how to properly shine shoes, so that not only now, but for all time, every pair of shoes they own will always be shiny. Q- Your childhood teddy bear - Mr. Goggles - has joined your staff. Can you define his position and job responsibilities, and why you feel he is best
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suited for this job? Carlos: Mr. Goggles and I have been working together for over 30 years. He used to scare away the monsters under my bed; I would snuggle him when he was having a bad day. It’s important to have people who work closely with me that I know I can rely on. We have also always worked well together; that’s the key. As for his credentials, this bear has experience my responsibilities second hand every night when I get home. We have detail discussions about my days and issues that I came up against. He knows the ins and outs of what I do on a daily basis. That knowledge will be very useful to him as he takes over as my Chief Communications Alternate Expert of Fluffy Issues and Wildlife for my entire district. Mr. Goggles will be responsible for wildlife preservation, mentoring other young stuffed animals, and recruiting inanimate objects to get involved in PB [Participatory Budgeting].I’ll probably have him writing up columns for that local Red Hook paper. Q-If you were swallowed by a Venus fly trap, how would you escape? Carlos: I would form a committee with the other constituents who had previously been swallowed, as well as those who were still in the belly of the beast. We’re only strong when we work as a team. We could work out a solution that works best for everybody. We’re all in this together. Q-If mint juleps came back in style, would you eat more marshmallows? Carlos: I already eat a fair amount or marshmallows. I think my constituents expect a certain amount of selfcontrol from their local officials. But that’s really up to the people of District 39. If they rallied behind the idea of me entering a marshmallow-eating contest, I would represent them well. That being said, I think mint juleps are already back in style in Bushwick. It’s really only a matter of time before this phenomenon makes its way to South Brooklyn. This is Brooklyn, and we all deserve the same fashionable options everywhere in the borough. Q-Do you prefer Red Hook sunsets of Sunset Park red hooks? Carlos: I prefer sunsets and red hooks throughout my district. Sunset Park sunsets are just as amazing as Red Hook red hooks. Red Hook sunsets are some of the most amazing in the city, but the Sunset red hooks can be just as spectacular. These are important issues. Not one part of the district can be taken for granted. That’s why, as councilman for this district, I feel it is important to indulge in Red Hook sunsets and Sunset Park red hooks every day. It’s as important to me as having breakfast followed by a second cup of coffee everyday. Like I said, these things matter; they’re important issues.
April Fools 2016
Lunar-Revue Free Classifieds ANNOUNCEMENTS
I bought dried apricots. I ate all 11 servings in 1 sitting. My stomach hurts. #FiberIsPotent Men are just tall boys. Illusions. Fake biceps without working out. Pretend the smell like cologne, when they’re not even French. Airbrushed packages in tight underwear… I have never seen Bourbon Street in New Orleans. I’ve been there lots of times, but I cannot remember anything! #AnotherHurricane? Assuage is a gross word. I will not say it. I changed it to a-sausage. Hmm… anybody hungry for breakfast? #ILikeBaconBetter
My Mets baseball one piece pajamas. You know the ones with the footsies and butt flap? My wife says I’m too old to wear such nonsense. I wonder if she had anything to do with their disappearance… Email MyWifeHatesBaseball@redhookstar.com PacMan’s wife. Wonder if she’s still high from those crazy pills she eats. Email PinkytheGhost@redhookstar.com My morning coffee. I drank it all, but I’m still sleepy and grumpy. Email FreeRefills@redhookstar.com with suggestions.
Don’t blame me! That smell is coming from the dog! #WeDon’tHaveADog
The moon. Sometimes it’s there; sometimes it’s not. Other times slivers of it are missing. I think a thief with a guilty conscience is responsible. Otherwise why would he keep putting the pieces back a little at a time. Email AstronautsAreSoWeird@redhookstar.
Turn over, Stephanie! Turn over! I can’t believe you fell asleep on the beach. Just look at that sunburn!!! #TalkingtoMyself
Somebody to take my trash out. My boyfriend used to, but I kicked him to the curb. Email GuessHeWasGoodForSomething@redhookstar.com
That Michael Angelo guy sure is ambitious. I eat yellow paint. #LeoDiVinci
Six inches. Genetics said I should be taller. Email Am.I.A.Pygmy?@redhookstar.com.
I painted my girlfriend as a portrait; she is mad. #Picasso’sCubism
Middle C on my piano keyboard. Who sells a musical instrument without the essential note? Email replacements to BadSeller.Ebay@redhookstar.com
Splatter, splatter, drip! Now that’s art! #Rembrandt No shirt, no shoes, no service. Pants optional. Can cranberry sauce be fried? I love the stuff, and I’m trying to make my cardiologist very, very mad! I am cognizant of how the force has delivered many blessings in my life. Thank you, Darth Vader, for the strength to move my car, the courage to stay home on rainy nights, and the wisdom to not eat spiders. #TheDarkSide Stop taking pictures of me taking pictures. Nobody wants a picture of my hands holding a camera, you obnoxious twit! The term is “wino.” Stop calling me a drunk. I only get drunk on wine. It’s cause and effect, you see! I slept in my clothes last night. Except my boots. These boots were made for walking, not sleeping in. I’ve got a lovely box of Pop-Tarts sitting on my desk. Frosted ones, smashed ones, some as big as my head. I bought a new phone charger for my weekend retreat. I rolled it up in my suitcase. It broke. I’m at 1%. Somebody HELP!!! I am a superhero. My cape is made of glitter and all of my toys – ahem, gadgets – light up. Fire hydrants are being renamed to honor the first element of the periodic table – two of the three molecules they contain. The formal name will be Stout Hydrogen with Oxygen Reacting Twice – or SHORT for short. Ow, that tickles! Brrr, I have to pee! #MixedEmotions I dropped off my 3 horns with the musical medic for Dad repore. Fax Repaor. Damn it, autocorrect! SAX REPAIR!!! My mom sent me a postcard. “Hey Sweetheart! Having a great time. MeeMaw is loving it all. Wish you could be here instead of at your crummy desk job! Love, Mom.” I climb scaffolding in short skirts. Why are there so many pictures of me on the internet?!? My 88-year-old grandmother just joined Facebook. She is posting pictures of my embarrassing and awkward childhood! #SomebodyStopHer!!! I hate wearing pants. That is all! My phone case is falling apart. When I call my mother, she screams so loud in the phone that pieces of plastic break off in my ear. I should get Bluetooth. #QtipsAreNoSolution
FOUND
A half eaten sandwich in a trashcan on Van Brunt and Lorraine Streets. If you don’t want it, can I have it? Email responses to Famished@redhookstar.com. An entire collection of embarrassing photos willed to me by my dead ex-husband. Photos will be on display at the Museum of Classic Fails through May 24. For more information, email IThoughtHeLovedMe@redhookstar.com
LOST
Half of my Half & Half. Please return to Elsie the cow I’m not sure. Is it me? Who am I? How did I get here? What is the point of it all, really? Email ?!?!?!?@redhookstar.com Keys to my unlocked BMW with $9257 and probably my wife’s 8 karat diamond earrings Spare keys are in the center console. Email $9257@redhookstar.com My unlocked BMW with $9257 and probably my wife’s 8 karat diamond earrings with spare keys in the glove box. Email ProbablyGotTowed@redhookstar.com My virginity. It was in my back pocket last week, but now it’s missing. Email JustPickedUpMyLaundry@ redhookstar.com A hole in my favorite pair of jeans. I took them to the tailor last week to have to zipper replaced. They came back with these weird stitches in them. Email NotSoHolyNow@redhookstar.com. Osh Kosh overalls for adults. They stopped selling them! I’ve been wearing them since I was 2 years old. Email GuessI’llHaveToRunAroundNaked@redhookstar.com
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My t-shirt that says, “Obviously, my mom tripped acid when she was pregnant.” She never did like that shirt! Email replacements to WellObviously@redhookstar. com
WANTED
All the pearls from the city’s failed 2 billion oyster project. Maybe enough oysters survived to make one necklace. Email GowanusCanalKills@redhookstar. com if you know how to Scuba dive.
Senior portraits. They are really just pictures of me and my friends drunk on a porch. We didn’t graduate anyway, so I’m just trying to make some extra money. Email Unemployed@redhookstar.com
A door knob so my brother can finally come out of the closet. He’s been trapped for a decade and we don’t even know what he looks like. Email MisspentYouth@ redhookstar.com
My license plates. I hit a parked car last night. If interested, the plates must be registered in your name and backdated immediately. Email Driving.Drunk@ redhookstar.com
A shirt for my fiancé. He goes everywhere topless and his prominent nipples are offensive. We haven t been served dinner in 3 years! Email sympathetic notes to I mSOhungry@redhookstar.com. Mail XXXL donations to Lunar-Revue, 481 Van Brunt Street 8A, Brooklyn, NY 11231.
Uber riders. I sing loudly in the car when I drive you. But only Miley Cyrus and Bon Jovi. Just two songs. Over, and over and over again. Email WreckingBall. ShotThroughTheHeart@redhookstar.com to schedule a pickup. Long distances preferred.
Mood nail polish that changes colors when I am mad. Everyone should be prepared for my wrath. Email free samples to AlwaysIrate@redhookstar.com A beach day. Email YouSuckWinter@redhookstar.com An armed militia to guard a precious rock collection. My samples of concrete, limestone and hardened gummy bears must be protected at all costs against those pesky geology goons. To apply, call Crystal Zirconium at (718) 624-5568. Chubby cheeks and affection. Will trade for my angry, obnoxious teenage son. Email photos of your adorable baby to WhattheHellHappenedToMyDelightfulChild@ redhookstar.com Tooth whitening gel. I can’t get rid of this dingy ringaround-the-collar on my husband’s sweaty shirts. Call (917) 652-9128 if you have a better idea.
HELP WANTED
I dance with dogs by holding on to their front paws. Although squirmy and aggressive, they seem to love it. To request a resume and reference, email TwiceBitten@redhookstar.com I also snuggle and squeeze puppies to immobility. If interested in these and other fine service, email ThriceBitten@redhookstar.com There’s an ice-pick stuck in my back. Help wanted. Email Bloody@redhookstar.com Boy Band to play for fancy corporate events hosted by cheapskates. Compensation is cheap beer, but only after events. Must bring your own do-rags, drumsticks and sweaty man stench. Email CheapIsTheme@redhookstar.com My sister painted my toenails purple yesterday while I was sleeping. I don’t know how to get it off. My doctor said I might have to get my toenails amputated. Please advise: I’m.a.Boy!@redhookstar.com
Edible wax. Need to coat all of my food per doctor’s orders. Email NotAFetish@redhookstar.com
A backyard pool. And a pool boy. A mansion with a cleaning lady. A butler named Jeeves. Ready to move in and share your space at a moment’s notice. Email available spaces to MyHovelIsFilthy@redhookstar. com
A shotgun. I’m tired of sitting at red lights. If I shot them out, I won’t have to wait for them to change. Email RoadRage@redhookstar.com
A picture of grandma with her eyes open. She says the flash is terrifying. Email photos to BlindedByTheLight@redhookstar.com
A recipe for conger eel salad. Email AtlanticBasinTreats@redhookstar.com
FOR SALE
My soap dish in my shower fell. I used Elmer’s glue to repair it several times, but every time I put my foot on it, it falls again. Email suggestions to Are.My.Legs. Too.Fat?@redhookstar.com
Wanted: Extra large spoon. My friend invited me to the SuperBowl, and I want to be prepared. Email i.LOVE. guac@redhookstar.com Mean letters to the editor of the world’s worst community newspaper. Email IHateGeorge@redhookstar.com
A collection of 1920s evening gowns and accessories. My granddaughter says I am too old to parade around my brownstone in a tiara and stilettos. It frightens the dinner guests, she says. Email GlamGranny@redhookstar.com if interested.
My daughter’s teddy bear fell in our backyard pool and nearly drown. Should I take the stuffed animal to the emergency room or to the veterinarian? If CPR certified, email SoConfusing@redhookstar.com.
Answer to 39-Down. Clue: Rhymes with wyatt. Answer: qu??? Email CrosswordHeaven@redhookstar. com
Husband of 12 years. I’ve been wearing a fake rock for over a decade. Email scumbag@redhookstar.com. Willing to trade ring and/or husband.
Seeking lawn care specialist to dig up large duffle bag in my backyard and dump it in the river. Must be able to lift roughly 130 pounds. A lack of a sense of smell preferred. NotASerialKiller@redhookstar.com
Full body armor. I asked for a puppy for my birthday, but my mom got me a porcupine instead. Email Misunderstood@redhookstar.com
My heart. You can buy my love with cashmere sweaters, shiny jewelry and a $4,000/wk allowance. Email Who’sMySugarDaddy@redhookstar.com
Fresh cherries. These taste funny and make me feel dizzy! Email DellMaraschino@redhookstar.com
Wine corks. I want to build a fort in Coffey Park. Email RentIsTooDamnHigh@redhookstar.com for drop off locations. Female date, Hope & Anchor, 12:30 pm sharp next Saturday. Must be available for engrossing conversation for 20 minutes while my ex-girlfriend walks in with new guy. Loud laughter a must, as well as perpetual use of phases such as “you are hilarious” and “wow look how much money you have” and “how fast can we get to your apartment?” Email CantMoveOn@ redhookstar.com Flat? Warm? Backwash? No problem. Will drink the unwanted part of your beer free of charge. Email Slurp@redhookstar.com Dancing fool to distract others from my gigantic nose and otherwise hideous appearance. Must be willing to dance on bar tops, rooftops and treetops. Email CyranoDeBurgerac@redhookstar.com Envious stares. I’m the prettiest girl, and everybody should look at me with jealousy. Email Don’tHate@ redhookstar.com More generic brands at the grocery store. I don’t buy generic – only organic – but seriously that sh*t is hysterical. Email ideas to MashmallowMaties@redhookstar.com A time machine. I want to color all day and pretend to buy stuff with M&M’s someone gave me for free because I was cute and little. Email BeingGrownUpIsStupid@redhookstar.com My Tinder match’s last name. We’ve been dating for five months, but he refuses to tell me. Email Brendan. Doherty@redhookstar.com Giant plaid shirts. I have retired and plan on sitting on my couch eating fudge and cookies dipped in icing for the rest of all time. Email samples to Purposeless@ redhookstar.com A 1950s hairdo, a 1970s wardrobe, and a 1920s dancing style. Email FashionTodayIsLame@redhookstar.com An awesome beach bod. Only need to borrow through September. Will trade gluttonous beer gut and multiple chins for the summer. Email ILoveFriedChicken@redhookstar.com Tan lines. If I had tan lines, I wouldn’t be pasty white. I’d have a tan. Email TanLines@redhookstar.com A painted brick wall, easy installation. Email MyRoommateIsAwful@redhookstar.com A sample of bedbugs. I think I have them but I don’t know what they look like. Please send pregnant female samples to Infested@redhookstar.com Two billion oysters to clean the Gowanus Canal. Who needs remediation when those filthy creatures will eat all of the sludge, slime and poopers?!? Email all shellfish to NYCsDumbIdea@redhookstar.com
Case of Dillas. Best offer. El Branco, 4512 4th Avenue
Ballroom dancers for Waffle House tabletops. We’ve got to outdo our competitors like White Castle and Chick-Fil-A next year for Valentine’s day. Candlelight and linen napkins just aren’t cutting it. Email resumes to WH.Is.Classy@redhookstar.com
Job. Pretty much whatever. Call (718) 5568 puzzle. T First read the list of words; then look at624the Personal Assistant. Responsibilities include: Repdiagonally, backward.) Circle each 1 Sock (needsvertical, dry cleaning), 3 staples, 78 coat hang- or resenting me at client events; Maintaining appoint-letter o ers, 16 fitted sheets, 1 mystery lint pile. Yours for $50. ments; Q-tipping my bellybutton. $7/hour. Email Everything must go! Email WhatsInThereAnyway?@redhookstar.com may beyardsale@redhookstar.com used more than once, so do not cross them o words have been found, the letters left over spell ou DREAMLAND.
Hidden Words Word list:
First read the list of words; then look at the puzzle. The words can be in any Frog direction Apple (horizontal, vertical, diagonally, orBruise backward.) Circle each letter of the word found and mark it off the list. Letters may be used more than once, so do Angelfish Buffalo Garbag not cross them off. It’s best to find big words first. After all of the words have been found, the letters left over spell out a word related to this puzzle’s theme: Anglefish Butterfly Goose DREAMLAND.
Ant Cricket Grape Word list:Anteater Apple, Angelfish, Anglefish, Ant, Anteater, Aunt, Broccoli, Bruise, Cow Hippop Buffalo, Butterfly, Cricket, Cow, Elephant, Fly, Frog, Garbage bag, Goose, Aunt Elephant Horse Grape, Hippopotamus, Horse, Lion, Monkey, Mosquito, Orange, Penguin, Pig, PolarBroccoli Bear, Purple People Eater, Rhinoceros, Fly Snake, Squash, Tiger, Toad,Lion Tomato, Zoo,
DREAMLAND Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
www.star-revue.com
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Solution: 172 letters Z Z Z Z Z o Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z o Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
April Fools, 2016, Page 11
THIS EDITION OF THE BLUE PENCIL LUNAR-REVUE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE IDEAL PROPERTY GROUP AND JACK. (THIS IS A REAL AD)
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April Fools 2016