4 1 2012 by The Georgetown Voice

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GEORGETOWN DAY PLANNING BEGINS PAGE 4

HOLLIS JUMPS SHIP FOR NBA DRAFT PAGE 7

RAMSAY SMELLS SOMETHING FISHY PAGE 10

Georgetown University’s Weekly Newsmagazine Since 1969 w April 1, 2012 w Volume 46, Issue 11 w georgetownvoice.com

2 the georgetown voice

april 1, 2012

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GUSA Roundup: Loose ends and tight wallets

Vox Populi

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Voice Crossword “(See 20 Down)” by Tyler Pierce 1

18 19

28 35

58 61

52 59

Across

48 53

25 32

19. Neuroses 21. Vodka’s friend 1. in Place when a body is farthest 58. End, 9. Help 35. Italian bread slang a criminal22. Mimic from the sun 10. Ashcroft's 24. Calc.36. abbr. for hyperbolic 60. Ambassador Haze 8. Percussion instrument tangent predecessor 62. More insane 49. Manipulations 15. Endures valiantly 11. Israel enemy 25. His form 65. Quickly 16. European peninsula 27. “___50. anyBlack drophue to drink”: 12. Like some skirts 66. Authorize 51. Genealogy 17. USSR citizen Coleridge 13. Wild parties 28. In the 18. Stay 67. Eternal 54.middle Advil of target 14. Whichever 68. Kind of analysis 55. Saltimbocca 20. This puzzle and ingredient Down this paper's theme 56. Gaelic language

32. Lass 33. Ketchum of the WB 34. Sauce option at Leo’s 37. It’s stranded 38. Expire 39. Daily dairy bringers 40. “Mangia!” 41. Zeta follower 42. Skill 43. The Greatest 44. Not hi or lo 45. Wise one 46. Material for a whitesmith 47. Common conjunction 48. Pitcher 52. Beat back and forth 53. Belly button 58. End, in slang 60. Ambassador 62. More insane 65. Quickly 66. Authorize 67. Eternal 68. Kind of analysis Down 1. It’s as easy as ___ 2. Contra con 3. Oral sex for a tool? 4. Pound of literature 5. Rested on

6. Country involved with the Kashmir conﬂict 7. Political and social org. of the Paciﬁc 8. Sch. on the Charles 9. Help a criminal 10. Ashcroft’s predecessor 11. Israel enemy 12. Like some skirts 13. Wild parties 14. Whichever 20. This puzzle and this paper’s theme 22. Garlands 23. Placement 26. Exciting 29. Same: Fr. 30. March date to beware

answers at georgetownvoice.com

31. Mob bosses 32. Brilliant shade of peal? 34. Some rocker’s gear 35. Italian bread 36. Punish 49. Manipulations 50. Black hue 51. Genealogy 54. Advil target 55. Saltimbocca ingredient 56. Gaelic language 57. Oodles 59. Intense card game 60. ___ Appia 61. Thumbs-up 63. Freddy Krueger’s street 64. In medias ___

ARE YOU A LOGOPHILE? Share your love of words and help us write crosswords. Email crossword@georgetownvoice.com

editorial

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Volume 46.11 April 1, 2012 Editor-in-Chief: Sean Quigley Managing Editor: Leigh Finnegan Blog Editor: Jackson Perry News Editor: Vanya Mehta Sports Editor: Kevin Joseph Feature Editor: Rachel Calvert Cover Editor: Richa Goyal Leisure Editor: Heather Regen Voices Editor: Connor Jones Photo Editor: Lucia He Design Editors: Julia Kwon, Kathleen Soriano-Taylor Projects Editor: Rob Sapunor Crossword Editor: Tyler Pierce Assistant Blog Editors: Ryan Bellmore, John Sapunor Assistant News Editors: Soo Chae, Morgan Manger Assistant Sports Editor: Stephen Criss, Abby Sherburne Assistant Leisure Editors: Mary Borowiec, Julia Lloyd-George, Kirill Makarenko Assistant Photo Editors: Julian De La Paz, Abby Greene Assistant Design Editors: Amanda Dominguez, Madhuri Vairapandi Assistant Cover Editor: Neha Ghanshamdas Contributing Editors: Geoffrey Bible, Nico Dodd, Iris Kim Tim Shine

Staff Writers:

Geoffrey Bible, Mary Cass, Will Collins, Jane Conroy, Emma Forster, Kate Imel, Daniel Kellner, Morgan Manger, Kelsey McCullough, Eileen McFarland, Matt Pacana, Paul Quincy, Adam Rosenfeld, Jake Schindler, Melissa Sullivan, Fatima Taskomur

Staff Photographers:

Nick Baker, Sam Brothers, Helen Guo, Kirill Makarenko, Tim Markatos, Jackson Perry, Matthew Thees

Copy Chief: Kim Tay Copy Editors:

Keaton Hoffman, Tori Jovanovski, Claire McDaniel

Editorial Board Chair: Gavin Bade Editorial Board:

Tiffany Brown, Patricia Cipollitti, Rachel Calvert, Nicolo Dona Dalle Rose, Leigh Finnegan, Julia Jester, Linnea Pittman, Cole Stangler, Julia Tanaka

Head of Business: Keaton Hoffman Business Staff: Sara Ainsworth, Zoe Disselkoen, Megan Fitzpatrick, Charmaine, Ng, Aarohi Vora

The Georgetown Voice

The Georgetown Voice is published every Thursday. This newspaper was made possible in part with the support of Campus Progress, a project of the Center for American Progress, online at CampusProgress.org. Campus Progress works to help young people — advocates, activists, journalists, artists — make their voices heard on issues that matter. Learn more at CampusProgress.org. Mailing Address: Georgetown University The Georgetown Voice Box 571066 Washington, D.C. 20057

Office: Leavey Center Room 424 Georgetown University Washington, D.C. 20057

Email: editor@georgetownvoice.com Advertising: business@georgetownvoice.com Web Site: georgetownvoice.com The opinions expressed in the Georgetown Voice do not necessarily represent the views of the administration, faculty or students of Georgetown University, unless specifically stated. Unsigned editorials represent the views of the Editorial Board. Columns, advertisements, cartoons and opinion pieces do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editorial Board or the General Board of the Georgetown Voice. The University subscribes to the principle of responsible freedom of expression of its student editors. The Georgetown Voice is produced in the Georgetown Voice office and composed on Macintosh computers using the Adobe InDesign publishing system and is printed by Silver Communications. All materials copyright the Georgetown Voice. All rights reserved. On this week’s cover: Shark Week Cover Design: Madhuri Vairapandi

the georgetown voice 3

SMASH THE HUMAN STATE

Sharks must unite to fight ocean pollution On March 28, the South Pacific state of Tiburonia sent a delegation of research sharks to study North Pacific fish and shark communities. The purpose of the trip, according to research leader Gil Maneater, was to “investigate the health conditions in the North Pacific and hopefully come to some conclusion as to why North Pacific emigrants are mired with high levels of disease.” Their findings shocked and horrified them. A massive garbage patch consisting entirely of human debris, mostly plastic broken down into confetti-like pellets, has built up along the North Pacific Gyre current and, until now, been unknown to Tiburonia sharks. This giant quantity of minuscule plastic pieces, while not always visible to the naked shark eye, not only causes severely impaired vision for hunting but also makes native fish and shark populations sick as the pellets build up in their digestive tracts. No shark nation has yet taken this issue seriously. Many sharks will remember the violent government repression of members

of the Rekahn tribe of the central-North Pacific during their peaceful protest of intersea inaction with regard to the garbage patch. This conglomeration of filth has been making the indigenous nomadic shark schools of the North Pacific sick for more than 30 years, yet it is only now that powerful shark nation Tiburonia is feeling its detrimental effects that intersea shark governments are beginning to consider taking action. Had this happened earlier, this issue would have been immediately and effectively addressed. More importantly than inter-shark conflict, though, is the animal-shark divide that becomes even more significant as this recent ‘discovery’ reinvigorates anti-human sentiment among shark populations. Obviously, this is a flagrant example of what shark philosopher Karl Sharx described as species warfare. As any educated shark will point out, human claims of “evolutionary superiority” have led them to oppress the natural animal kingdom since their shift from hunting and gathering to sedentary agriculture.

Sadly for our terrestrial brothers and sisters, this has been occurring for what seems like time immemorial on land; however, it is only in the recent past that this egregious injustice has come to be imposed on ocean species. Such blatant disregard for the wellbeing of our planet’s oceans on the part of humans is unacceptable. This species warfare is evident not just in this latest violation of the laws of nature, but in countless destructive human practices such as oil extraction, ocean shipping, and toxic dumping, all of which feed their insatiable need to impose their artificial evolutionary superiority on the species of the world. If we are going to stop the selfish human activities that are destroying our environments and livelihoods, sharks from every sea, every ocean, must band with other oppressed species of the planet. It is only united that animals will be able to fight the revolution that will finally bring peace, balance, and harmony to nature. Divided, diseased, we fall.

SHARK FLAIL

Shark finning necessitates mass uprising On March 23, the marine residents of the small coral enclave of Pleasant Tides awoke to a scene of horror. Lonnie Leftfin, a local public school teacher and coach of the Pleasant Tides High School marine soccer team, lay finless and dying in the town square, parasitic eels approaching to finish off this once-revered shark. Since then, dozens of shark protests have sprung up in Pacific Rim communities from California to Korea. Although some take a more hard-line stance, the principal message of the demonstrations has been to call for a moratorium on the practice of finning. Despite sharks’ pleas, humans have turned a deaf ear to this tragedy, as they continue their destruction not only of the shark population, but of the very oceans they inhabit. The protesters’ message, therefore, does not go far enough. They should be demanding not only a permanent stop to finning, but a dramatic change in how humans treat the ocean, and should be ready and will-

ing to overthrow their oppressors by force if their demands are not met. The practice of finning cannot be separated from the human economic structure that fuels its demand. Humans kill sharks for their fins primarily to make shark fin soup, a delicacy served at important events across Asia. Despite the presence of antifinning laws in many countries, the industry continues to be highly unmonitored and extremely profitable—it is a multi-billiondollar market, with one pound of dry shark fin being sold for roughly $300. An estimated 100 million sharks are killed for their fins and left for dead annually, according to shark specialists. Other shark meat is of low value, and shark corpses leave less space for fins on a fisherman’s boat, so the logical economic solution is to dump the still-living, finless shark back in the water. It will eventually suffocate or be eaten alive by other fish, as in the case of poor Mr. Leftfin.

Shark finning not only impacts the families and communities of sharks worldwide, but threatens to irreparably destabilize every marine ecosystem it touches. A healthy shark population is key to maintaining order in the ocean food chain and preserving the way of life of every marine organism. Humans will never recognize this reality as long as they are motivated more by quick profit than their long-term obligation to sharks and, more importantly, to preserving the planet’s ecosystems. The sharks of the world can hope all they want that a revolution is coming to change this value system, but a much more productive route, if sharks continue to be slaughtered, is to lash out at the human overlords. Unless change comes immediately, sharks of every stripe should make sure every fisherman out to dismember these majestic fish meets the same fate as the species he pursues.

GREAT WHITE LIES

Sharks should hate humans, not each other

Environmental issues usually get the most coverage when humans focus on oceanic issues, but instances of social inequality persist at a level that the vast majority of Georgetown students would find abhorrent. Movies such as Jaws portray sharks as ruthless creatures incapable of self-control, which is the typical depiction of sharks in popular media. Finding Nemo depicts sharks as the bloodthirsty vampires of the sea, jumping into attack mode at the scent of the slightest drop of blood, but it also exposes a serious problem within the shark community—intra-species inequality. In Finding Nemo, one shark leads the other two (who probably have names, but might as well be nameless) in his sharkpack. Bruce, presumably a Mako or a Great White shark, is portrayed as a strong, charming, fierce leader. However, his sidekicks, a smaller Hammerhead and a Blue shark, add far more comedy and clown-

ing to the film than the blundering Bruce. Would the jokes have landed just better if the roles had been reversed? Would audiences have been able to see a smaller shark as the group leader? The sad truth is that they might not have, even though studies have shown, on average, that Blue sharks attain an average of four years more education than Great Whites. Although such discrepancies within the shark community show up in a lighthearted Disney tale about a Clown fish, this is no laughing matter. The trend of preferential treatment for some shark species extends beyond Hollywood, leading humans and sharks alike to perpetuate false stereotypes. According to the Bureau of Shark Labor Statistics (BSLS), Nurse sharks continue to make 40% less than other species do in the same jobs, even when performing the same work. What’s more, male Nurse sharks are often stereotyped and stigmatized as immasculine, Bull

sharks are portrayed as violent, and Lemon sharks are thought of as unreliable. The BSLS has routinely spoken out against these distinctions, which Executive Director Reese Reefhunter says “are completely false from a scientific standpoint and only serve to hurt all shark types.” Inequality in the shark world only masks the real oppressors: humans. These ideologies of difference are nothing but fabricated, arbitrary ideas passed down from humans to sharks to prevent them from rising up in revolt of human mistreatment of the oceans. Cooperation and persistence are essential to not only to overcome human misconceptions about sharks, but to allow the sharks of the world to unite against the true common enemy—piggish humans. This issue is too important for sharks to ignore any longer. Just because this problem happens under the sea doesn’t mean it can get swept under the rug.

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april 1, 2012

Stafford loan interest rate set to double by summer by Connor Jones Unless Congress acts before July 30, the interest rate for federally subsidized Stafford loans will increase from 3.4 percent to 6.8 percent, potentially increasing the debt load for over 6,000 Georgetown undergraduate and graduate students. This Tuesday, college student leaders delivered 130,000 letters to congresspeople in protest of the coming rate increase. At the rally, students criticized representatives for protecting the interests of other constituencies above those of students, emphasizing that national student debt

passed the trillion-dollar mark earlier this year. At the rally, students explained how the increasing the rate would affect their futures. “I will be put back into buying a house and saving up for my expenses later on in life, and life, as we know, is very unexpected,” said Tyler Dowden, a freshman at Northern Arizona University. “Adding that variable definitely limits my ability to be successful.” When Democrats took control of Congress in 2007, they lowered the rate of subsidized Stafford loans to half that of unsubsidized Stafford loans. They paid for the lower rate by switching from the guaranteed

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College students sent 130,000 letters to Congress protesting the rate increase.

student loan program to the direct student loan program, but the savings were temporary. John Kline (R-Minn.), chairman of the House Committee on Education and the Workforce, said in a statement that the coming hike is the “result of a ticking time bomb set by Democrats five years ago…simply calling for more of the same is a disservice to students and taxpayers.” Stafford loans are offered on the full faith and credit of the United States government and, thus, are offered at a lower interest rate than they would be privately. To receive Stafford loans, students must meet rigorous need requirements. Loans are not expected to be paid back while the student is enrolled in college or for a six-month grace period afterward. The federal government pays the interest for the period that the student is in college, not practiced for unsubsidized loans. Georgetown University College Democrats did not participate in the national letter-writing campaign this week. “We are in the midst of organizing around this letter writing campaign next week,” College Democrats communication director Joshua Zeitlin (COL ’14) wrote in an email. Georgetown

University College Republicans did not respond to a request for comment. According to figures obtained from the Office of Student Financial Services, 6,918 Georgetown students borrowed a total of $47,541,615 in subsidized Stafford loans for the 2010-2011 academic year, most of whom were graduate students. For that year alone, 2,163 undergraduates borrowed a total of $8,970,934 for an average loan of $4,100. Georgetown students receiving financial aid graduate with an average of only $17,000 in student debt. The higher rate would cost them an additional $3,400 over ten years. The University has made lobbying for Congress to extend the lower interest rate its highest priority. “We have been very clear that we do want members of Congress to find a way to extend the 3.4 percent interest rate,” Vice President of Federal Relations Scott Fleming said. “It is, right at the moment, the most significant thing that is in play.” He went on to say that the University will be closely watching the House as it begins debating the budget resolutions this Wednesday and Thursday.

The contentious budget does not include an extension of the lower rate, but, according to Fleming, liberal counterproposals, such as the one submitted by the Congressional Black Caucus, extend the rate for at least a year. Other Democratic proposals make the 3.4-percent rate permanent. However, Fleming expressed doubt that a budget would be passed by both houses of Congress before the current bill funding the government expires. “It’s hard to envision in this environment of actually getting an appropriations bill done by September 30,” Fleming said. “Typically, we should expect a continuing resolution.” Fleming is also working with other universities and “various higher education associations,” and even though the District of Columbia only has one nonvoting delegate to Congress, Fleming has been exerting influence in other ways. In addition to encouraging students to reach out to their representatives in Congress, Fleming uses the reputation of the University as a tool. “We’ve got a lot of alumni members of Congress,” he said. “I haven’t been shy about reaching out to them, and I won’t be with this one.”

rify the America of the 1830s, a time when “we were people who solved problems all day every day. We didn’t write applications to the federal government to send us money. We went out and did things.” He cited the Wright Brothers’ achievement of flight at Kitty Hawk, N.C., as the epitome of Amercan go-getter-ism. As expected, Gingrich’s bombastic tirade against a “secularized America” did little to change the opinions of attendees. He compared contemporary United States with the Polish dictatorship at the end of the Soviet Union. “Did you know that in Poland they did not allow children to pray in school? Could you imagine a government that anti-religious? Could you imagine that happening in America?” “I thought his speech was full of buzzwords,” attendee Russ Ballard (COL ’12) said after the event. “There was a lot of religious rhetoric that was kind of misplaced.” Another polarizing point that Gingrich made was in a comparison between UPS’s packagetracking software and illegal immigration. The speaker asked the audience to imagine mailing a

package to every person who was in the United States illegally. Imagine, he implored the audience, “that for nine or ten dollars a person you just changed the whole world.” Zealous Newt fans Scott Ruesterholz (MSB ’14) and Josh Tucci (MSB ’14) were the first in line for the 5:00 lecture at 1:43pm. Ruesterholz said he thought the protest was “all right, I guess, so long as they don’t interrupt the speech.” While Reusterholz recognized that not every member of the line shared his admiration of Gingrich, he asserted that “anyone who wants to listen to him either because you agree with him or want to know more about the issue has a right to do that ... you shouldn’t demonize someone who is making an intellectual argument.” Other students, like Julia Hubbell (COL ‘15), arrived hours early not out of passion for privatized social security, but an interest in political dialogue. “I consider myself a liberal and a supporter of Obama, but I also think that political discourse is an important part of democracy,” Hubbell said. “So I want to engage with the other side because that’s the only way that anything will get done.”

Andres Horcajo (SFS ’14), who is originally from Madrid, explained his presence at the event with his European heritage. “As a European I try to understand why these people say these things, quite frankly,” he said. “So I hope I can ask a question to understand because I get the sense that these people live in a world where they haven’t seen more than the farmlands in Iowa.” When Horcajo asked Gingrich how he felt about America’s defense spending in comparison to the number of U.S. citizens without healthcare, Gingrich responded by asking how Horcajo felt about a country with a 20 percent employment rate. Ballard was displeased with Gingrich’s response to questions. “I think he is not a professional, he is reactive and childish and negative in general.” After laying off one-third of his campaign staff earlier this week, the forward-looking Gingrich offered some insight about the Wright brothers that he may be using for professional advice: “Light things fly easier than heavier things.”

Newt Gingrich speaks at Georgetown amid protests by Tiare Dunlap A group of 22 students gathered on Healy lawn yesterday to protest former Speaker of the House and presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s lecture in Gaston Hall. The talk, entitled, “Giving Young Americans the Right to Choose a Personal Social Security Account,” was sponsored by Georgetown University College Republicans and the Lecture Fund. The Lecture Fund has invited all 2012 presidential candidates to speak at Georgetown, and Gingrich is the first candidate to have accepted the invitation, an interesting move in what seems to be the death rattles of Gingrich’s bid for the 2012 presidency. The protest was organized by Occupy Georgetown and the NAACP with support from members of Georgetown College Democrats and Georgetown for Obama, and included speeches by professors Dr. Marcia Chatelain and Dr. Jennifer Fink. “We were there to be vocal for youth who believe strongly in public social security,” protes-

tor Beth Goldberg (SFS ’12) said. “Even with its flaws, it is one of the most successful, positively necessary government provisions of the last century.” Goldberg was careful to clarify that the protest was not against Gingrich’s right to free speech, but firm in her conviction that “there is nothing civil about Newt’s inflammatory anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-welfare, and anti-equality rhetoric. This divisive discourse and the resultant policies he promotes not only widen the inequalities in America, but they make for a most uncivil discourse on our campus.” Gingrich began his lecture by pointing to the “two large principles” of values and innovation that led him to run for president. After an explanation about how these principles drove America’s glory days, Gingrich launched into criticisms of the current United States government, all the way from the Supreme Court—“the Founding Fathers would have thought they were absurd”—to NASA“—what exactly do they do other than sit around all day and think space thoughts?” Gingrich then went on to glo-

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the georgetown voice 5

GUSA executive establishes Georgetown Day committee by Matthew Weinnman Since news of the lack of Georgetown Day planning hit campus last week, the GUSA executive has spearheaded an effort to salvage this year’s festivities and put the event on firm footing for the future. Once campus media revealed that Georgetown Day would be scaled back this year because no one had yet signed up for the planning committee, GUSA President Clara Gustafson (SFS ’13) and Vice President Vail Kohnert-Yount (SFS ’13) began an effort to create a one, hoping to push students to volunteer to run the event.

“Maybe there has been miscommunication on what’s needed,” Gustafson said. “Hopefully in this short amount of time we can accurately communicate to the student body that we all love this day, so let’s all make it happen together.” For the past ten years, Georgetown students have celebrated the end of the academic year on the front lawn enjoying free food, games, and performances by student groups. The University has provided financial support for the festivities, with donations from Aramark and the Corp. “Georgetown Day has never been a GUSA-oriented endeavor,” Gustafson wrote in an email.

Gustafson and Kohnert-Yount revamp planning for Georgetown Day.

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Oppose the campus plan!

In a Feb. 9 D.C. Zoning Commission hearing, Zoning Commissioner Peter May picked up a stack of letters written by Georgetown neighborhood residents, read off some excerpts, and said that students were creating objectionable impacts in the neighborhood. And with that, the neighbors won in their opposition to the University’s 2010 Campus Plan. Georgetown now has to prove that it will reduce student impact before the plan can be approved. Most of why the neighbors oppose the campus plan has nothing to do with the plan itself. In reality, the plan as it exists is landscaping and leftover projects from the last campaign. None of the specific items in the plan will cause the “objectionable impacts” that the University is legally obligated to avoid. In fact, neighborhood opposition to the campus plan is merely a tool that the neighbors use to get what they want from the University. For them, the ten-year plans provide the only opportunity they have to force the University to listen. What neigh-

bors vehemently oppose about the plan is what it lacks—mitigation of student impacts. Unsurprisingly, in effort to ensure that the plan passes, the University has acceded to the demands by implementing mitigation measures to show the Zoning Commission that they take neighborhood concerns seriously. All the University needs is to show the Zoning Commission that the mitigation methods are effective by April 30. The neighbors are getting what they want out of the University (tighter control of students), and the University is getting what it wants out of the Zoning Commission (passage of the plan). In this way, it seems the neighbors’ unwavering opposition is vindicated. This mutually beneficial relationship leaves one group in dangerous waters—the students. To appease the neighbors, the University has taken a variety of measures. It hired an off-campus public relations team to throw picnics and hand out fliers at Burleith Citizens Association meetings, agreed to convert the Leavey Cen-

“Georgetown Day has been run by an ad-hoc committee of administrators and students every year, and has no institutional home.” An application was sent out for anyone interested in planning the celebration, and Gustafson said she has looked through those to connect applicants to the appropriate sub-committee planning groups. According to Gustafson, this year’s ad-hoc committee includes “a lot of seniors who have been involved in planning the day before and some underclassmen who are really excited about getting a cappella groups.” To ensure that planning begins in the fall semester, Gustafson and Kohnert-Yount hope to establish an institutional home for the celebration. “The idea is that after Georgetown Day this year, we’ll put together administrators and students and have a conversation about what the day was, what we think the day is, what we think the day can be,” Gustafson said. She also proposed meeting with administrators, including Director of Student Programs Erika CohenDerr, Vice President of Student Affairs Todd Olson, and Associate Vice President Jeanne Lord, as well as other Georgetown students. The conversation would be a chance to ter hotel into a dorm, instituted twice-daily trash pickups to keep the streets clean, hired a small army of reimbursable details to police students at night, established an M Street shuttle to reduce the transient noise of bar-hopping students, and even agreed to limit revenue with enrollment caps. And now the Zoning Commission is suggesting even more frequent meetings between senior University administrators and neighbors. (According to Jennifer

Saxa Politica by Ryan Bellmore

A bi-weekly column on campus news and politics Altemus in a recent Georgetown Patch article, they met with senior administrators almost every week during the planning process). At the last Zoning Commission hearing, someone proposed a five-year check-up on the University’s efforts to reduce student impact. There is a serious discrepancy here between how eager the University is to appease the neighbors and how unwilling it is to respond to student demands.

talk about “all of our different expectations for the day and our hopes for it in the future,” Gustafson said. Rachel Pugh, University director of media relations, wrote in an email that “the university is supportive of an end of year celebration and is hopeful that collaboration with students in reimagining Georgetown Day will lead to meaningful celebrations for years to come.” Gustafson did not offer a possible group or current institution within which to establish the planning for Georgetown Day, but thought that the meeting would provide an appropriate forum to discuss this question. Gustafson suggested that at Georgetown, “if there is no institutional home for something, it can very easily be overlooked just because there is so much going on.” The executive emphasized the importance of volunteers for the success of this day. “Volunteers are the life blood of Georgetown Day and necessary to its success,” KohnertYount wrote in an email. Gustafson added “the day relies upon volunteers to keep it going, by setting up, staffing any activities, and cleaning up afterward.” In response to Lord’s comments that Georgetown Day had changed The University, after initially refusing to meet with students, rejected the Healy Pub proposal without so much as a feasibility study. And yet, the administration had the time to meet with neighbors on multiple occasions to discuss finding space and money for 250 more beds on campus. GUSA suggested a shuttle to M Street to make the journey back from bars safer, and the administration failed to respond. But as soon as the District Department of Transportation suggested it four months later, the University agreed to the shuttle, along with increasing the number of Metropolitan Police Department reimbursable details in West Georgetown. The University also keeps illmaintained facilities, like moldy townhouses, and waits until students sign massive petitions to consider air conditioning in dorms a necessity. But they will institute twice-daily trash pickup to keep the streets clean. They have instituted hotlines that neighbors can call if they have complaints about the students or about construction noise, and yet facilities can’t even deal with the pile-up of work orders. Off-cam-

from a celebration of the community to a celebration by the student community, Gustafson did not emphasize the negative sentiment. “I think many of the frustrations from the administrative end, and student side, was a lack of volunteers and participation,” she said. “There are those students that are willing to do that, but we just have to figure out a better incentive structure to make sure that the day is a fun, awesome celebration for everyone.” The administration’s concerns, however, do not entirely match those articulated by Gustafson. University leaders “recognize the need for a day that is appropriately celebratory at the end of the year, that is student-owned, and that addresses the very real concerns of health, safety and congruence with our community values,” Pugh wrote. Whatever the future of the event, students upset at the initial news that the day would be scaled back can take comfort in the fact that Georgetown Day will still happen this year. “Georgetown Day will not be cancelled and we will work with the administration in the future to find an institutional home for the day so that planning can always start earlier,” Gustafson said. pus housing might be a “student ghetto,” but on-campus isn’t much better. Besides not taking care of the mice, the University is reluctant to change the four-word “more likely than not” burden of proof in the code of conduct. The University has tried to kill Georgetown Day. No one took the time to send out an email requesting volunteers, maybe because they were too busy hiring an entire offcampus student life team to throw PR picnics for the neighbors. This is just the tip of the iceberg; if the administration cared about making students happy half as much as it cared about looking good for the Zoning Commission, students wouldn’t have to create offices to advocate against University policies and wouldn’t have to sign a prenuptial agreement before interacting with the administration. The neighbors’ methods have been vindicated. Let this serve as a lesson for the next 10 years, students: if you want something from the University, oppose the campus plan. Tired of abuse? Support Ryan at rbellmore@georgetownvoice.com

sports

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april 1, 2012

SBL playoffs set after O’Connor’s game-winner by Sean Quigley Down two points with a second consecutive berth to the Shark Basketball League playoffs on the line, North Indian Ocean Angel Sharks forward Carl O’Connor didn’t have time to think. He just knocked the ball toward the hoop with his broad pectoral fin, like he’d done in practice time and time again. Swish. And with that, the Angel Sharks punched their ticket to the playoffs for the second consecutive year with an 85-84 win, an impressive feat for an expansion club that just four years ago finished last in the Northern Hemisphere Conference. “As soon as I hit it, I knew it was good,” O’Connor said. “What a feeling. Playoffs, baby!” Though it was O’Connor who hit the final shot, it was a team victory for the Angel Sharks, who got 25 points out of its bench and had four players reach double digits scoring. The defeat marks another setback in what has been a disappointing season for the Caribbean Tiger Sharks, a talented squad of 16-foot long nocturnal predators which fell to the Atlantic Hammerheads in the Fi-

nals last year, but has struggled offensively this season. “It was just one of those nights,” Tiger Sharks coach Orlando Collins said after the game. “I thought we had some good looks, out of our motion set especially, but they just weren’t falling for us. What can you do?” The Tiger Sharks shot just 34 percent from the field and committed 15 turnovers, as rookie point guard Darius Miller, a 1,200-pound phenom from the water surrounding Jamaica, appeared to struggle mightily. “I just have to do a better job getting my teammates involved, cut down on the turnovers a little bit,” Miller, the second overall pick in last year’s draft, said. “I was gripping the ball a little too hard in my mouth. I think my teeth might have punctured it at one point.” Often called the rays of the shark world, it was long thought that angel sharks, which rarely grow longer than five feet, were unable to play basketball at a high level. For years, the SBL has been dominated by Great Whites, Hammerheads, Makos, and Bull Sharks, all of which dwarf Angels in size, athleticism, sense of smell, and electroreception.

They may be harmless-looking bottom dwellers, but this year’s Angel Sharks have turned that stereotype on its head, succeeding with a mixture of stingy zone defense, outside shooting, and powerful jaw action. “We know we have doubters, but that just makes us want it more,” Angel Sharks guard Antonio McCloud, who finished with 12 points and six assists, said. “We like to think we inspire all the Angel Sharks who are marginalized, bullied, and pushed around by bigger species.” Recently, the SBL itself has been under criticism from activists, who claim that the speciesbased nature of the league’s teams is backwards and promotes race-based prejudice. A consortium of 16 major nonprofits and activist groups presented an open letter to shark Parliament last week protesting the discrimination of the species-based teams. “My son grew up idolizing the South Pacific Great Whites. You mean to tell me that even if he practices hard and becomes a good player, he can never play for them?” Sandra Patterson, a lemon shark and a co-chairwoman of Sharks Standing Against Racism in Sport, said in a news conference.

MAX BLODGETT

Nate Lubick, a rising junior, is the best shark in the Big East. Other critics have argued that the league’s 50 teams leave too many of the 440 shark species without a squad to cheer or play for. Still, the SBL, a league steeped in tradition and history, is unlikely to change anytime soon. “This is how it’s always been,” Great Whites swingman Coltrane Hammerfist, last season’s MVP, said. “We’re stronger, longer, and our teeth are sharper. We’ll always be the greatest.” With 17 championships, ten more than any other team, the

Great Whites have dominated the SBL for much of its 80-year history. O’Connor, McCloud, and the rest of the eighth-seeded Angel Sharks hope to buck that tradition in the first round of the playoffs, where they will be matched up with the top-seeded Great Whites. “Bring ‘em on,” Collins said after the game. “The way this team is playing now, we feel like we can beat any species, apex predator or not.”

the Shark bracket “I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.” -Nicolas Cage

Great White Samuel L. Jackson

Great White

Every year during Shark Week, the Discovery Channel ranks the ten deadliest sharks in the world. No disrespect to them, but the Voice wanted to see for ourselves. We pitted some of our favorite shark species against each other (and a few other natural predators) in a tournament-style battle. To minimize disadvantages for land animals fighting in water (and vice-versa), all the fights took place in space. In the end, Nate Lubick, our very own Great White shark, took home the crown, strangling an actual Great White shark to death with his bare hands. Go figure.

Hammerhead Hammerhead Hippo

Nate Lubick

Great White

Nate Lubick

Angel Shark Grizzly Bear

Nate Lubick Dolphin

Grizzly Bear Great White

Tiger Shark

Tiger

Nate Lubick

Megladon Megladon

Tiger Shark Tiger Shark

Whale Shark Pony Pony

Nate the Great

Megladon

Giraffe Portugeuse Dogfish

T-Rex T-Rex

sports

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the georgetown voice 7

Sharks dominate AFL San Jose defies history, pushes for playoffs by Steven Criss The Jacksonville Sharks are back to start the 25th season of Arena Football. Although they were only founded in 2010, the Sharks have risen to the spotlight quickly after winning last year’s AFL Championship. The menacing red and black look not only to win their third division championship in a row, but to once again capture the Arena Bowl title. The future of the Arena Football League looked bleak in 2008, when Commissioner David Baker suddenly stepped down and several teams decided to cease their involvement. With a delayed draft and the fate of the league in jeopardy, players agreed to decrease the salary cap to make sure that the owners did not completely disband the league. The 2009 season was consequently cancelled for restructuring and augmenting the efficiency of operations. But with a new business plan and partnerships with the NFL Network set in line, the AFL returned with the newly-minted Jacksonville Sharks. The dimensions of Arena Football are significantly smaller than those of the National Football League, but the added challenges of a shorter field, narrower goal posts, and a padded sideline barrier make for a fast-paced and furiously physical contest. Popularity of teams in the AFL has decreased slightly over the past two years though, with an average attendance only slightly over 8,000 per game.

The Sharks have reassigned last year’s quarterback Herbert Bynes in favor of the return of Bernard Morris. After leaving in 2010 and playing for the Pittsburgh Power during the 2011 season, Morris has now taken the starting role for the Sharks, hoping to keep up his impressive performances. With 55 touchdowns and only nine interceptions last year, along with a team-leading 312 rushing yards on just 46 carries, Morris will provide essential offensive production that the Sharks hope will propel them back to the championship. In the home opener against the Georgia Force this past Saturday, the Sharks fell to their South Division rivals with a score of 69-41. With offense abundant in arena football, the Sharks need to learn from their mistakes and capitalize on any breaks they can get. “Anytime you get beat, there’s a lot to learn from. Not only players but coaches also,” Head Coach Les Moss said in an interview after the game. Moss claimed that in the days leading up to the opener, the team had three of their best offensive practices, but that the players needed to translate that momentum and energy into game situations. Their next game is this Friday in Tampa Bay, where the team will face the Storm. With a record of 1-1 so far, the Sharks need a win here to avoid falling behind early. Kickoff is at 7:30 p.m.

No surprise in Hollis loss

This column was supposed to be about which athlete owns the nickname “The Shark” (obviously, it’s former Ohio State basketball walk-on Mark Titus), but then Hollis Thompson declared for the NBA Draft on Tuesday, moving HoyaTalk to DEFCON 1 and officially kicking off the traditional early spring hand-wringing over the state of Georgetown’s roster. So here we are again. Thompson is the ninth player in the past five years to leave the Hoyas before exhausting his eligibility. Next season, for the second time in four years, Georgetown will field a roster without any seniors. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The issue of roster attrition under John Thompson III’s tenure as coach of the Hoyas comes up every offseason when a player jumps ship. And while it’s certainly possible that the departure of a few players (more so through transfer than the draft) can signal some kind of instability or unrest in the locker room, Georgetown’s recent losses are hardly a cause for

concern. They’re a natural part of college basketball, and even a necessary one. Still, Thompson’s departure seems like a particularly problematic move, both because he was expected to be one of the best players on next year’s squad and because he stands a good chance of becoming the first early entrant in the JTIII era to go undrafted. On the surface, it looks like the 2012-13 Hoyas were dealt a devastating blow by a player who is taking a big risk to get away from Georgetown. However, while losing the best three-point shooter in Georgetown history (Thompson’s 43.9 percent mark from deep is tops for all Hoyas) certainly doesn’t help next year’s team, it’s hardly a reason to despair. This is a loss the Hoyas were prepared for. Thompson’s entry into the draft was basically preordained after he tested the draft process last year—his coach said he “fully anticipated” Thompson’s decision in a statement Tuesday.

Sharks to third place in the Western Conference and to the top of the Pacific Division. Key to the Sharks’ recent success has been their depth. Though the Sharks lack the star power of a Steven Stamkos or an Evgeni Malkin, their secondary scoring ability has given them a scoring edge in the later periods. Against the Avalanche, starting right wing Joe Pavelski scored two goals, but

standings,” he said via Twitter. Team Captain Joe Thornton A year ago, the San Jose echoed McLellan’s wariness. Sharks were riding high into the “We haven’t done anything playoffs, clinching the Pacific Diyet,” he said. “We have to keep vision for the sixth time and surfwinning to make the playoffs.” ing a tidal wave of success into the McLellan and Thronton are Stanley Cup Playoffs. But after right to be cautious. The Pacific rolling through Los Angeles and Division is far from clinched, and eking out a seventh-game victory all five teams have the chance to against Detroit, the Sharks went make it into the playoffs. With on to lose in the semifinals to Vanonly six games left in the regucouver, ending lar season, all another run for against Pacific the highly touted Division rivals, Shark squad. the Sharks are With some going to need to minor trades in maintain their the offseason offensive tenacwith the Wild, ity if they want the Sharks came to win another into the 2011division title. 2012 season As a team, the without a naSharks average tional star and 34.1 shots per with little hope game, the highof lifting the est in the NHL, Stanley Cup troNAMIBIAN.ORG and have the phy come May. fourth-highest Like its namesake, San Jose hopes to swoop in on its prey. A mediocre start to the power play perseason reaffirmed many fans’ Torrey Mitchell, Andrew Desjar- centage in the league. In the fiapathy. dins, and Ryane Clowe all found nal two matchups of the season How quickly the tides the net off the bench. against the seemingly impenchange. The Sharks are currently After the game against Den- etrable Kings’ goalie Jonathan enjoying a three game winning ver, Head Coach Todd McLellan Quick, the Sharks are going to streak, besting the Bruins and played off the ranking signifi- need to repeat this unrelenting the Coyotes last week and giving cance of the wins, focusing in- offensive assault. a convincing all-around perfor- stead on earning points. The Stanley Cup may still be mance when they trounced the “The fact that we got the two a long way off, but the Sharks can Avalanche 5-1 on Monday. This points is the most significant finally smell the victory in the frenzy of late has propelled the thing, not where we are in the water, and they’re out for blood.

by Keaton Hoffman

Thompson’s departure may have shocked some Georgetown fans earlier this week, but JTIII has known he’d be working with an extra scholarship spot next season for a long time, one that hopefully will be filled by a top-ﬂight recruit like Nerlens Noel or Devonta Pollard. Thanks to Thompson, there are actually two open scholarship slots now. If Noel and Pollard somehow both find their way to the Hilltop, no one’s going to

Double Teamed by Tim Shine a rotating column on sports waste much time imagining Hollis Thompson’s senior season. I doubt Thompson will spend much time thinking about what could have been either. The junior forward may not hear his name called on June 28, but he’s still 6-foot-7 and can put the ball in the basket from 21 feet out more efficiently than almost anyone in the world. It may not be in the United States, but Hollis Thompson will be making plenty of money play-

ing basketball somewhere in the world this fall. After three and a half years at Georgetown—he enrolled early—Thompson feels he’s ready to play professionally, and one more year on the court probably isn’t going to make much of a difference. (There’s a lot of talk online that Thompson may even be able to graduate this semester. Sports Information Director Mex Carey wasn’t able to confirm or deny that.) This is the way college basketball works now. John Thompson III coaches in a very different era than the one his father worked in. For elite programs, players who stay on campus for four years are increasingly rare. John Calipari may be reviled in some circles, but he’s turned Kentucky into the Platonic ideal of the modern college basketball program—get the best players today, get the best players tomorrow, and don’t worry how long they’ll be around. Georgetown will never become a revolving door to the NBA like Kentucky for a variety of reasons, but it has to adapt to the same environment. Postseason struggles (and 2009) aside, JTIII has

shown that he’s plenty capable of turning player departures into opportunities to reload. Of course, there’s no guarantee a top recruit will replace Hollis Thompson next season. That would be a nice bonus, but the important thing is that the Hoyas didn’t get caught with their pants down. The loss of Thompson doesn’t leave a gaping hole in the roster—as a matter of fact, Georgetown has another lengthy swingman ready to step up in soon-to-be sophomore Greg Whittington. If Whittington can continue to develop the shooting stroke he began to show toward the end of the season, he might as well wear Thompson’s No. 1 jersey next season. Hoya fans have about seven months to debate whether that will actually come to pass. Meanwhile, JTIII and his coaching staff will keep looking ahead, making sure that by the time Casual Hoya starts freaking out about Otto Porter entering the draft next April a contingency plan is already in place. Bite Tim with criticism at tshine@ georgetownvoice.com

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feature

the georgetown voice 9 JULIEN ISAACS

MADHURI VAIRAPANDI JULIAN DE LA PAZ

Shark Facts

Sharks can have sex without contact, much like the Voice staff.

By Rob Sapunor

The whale shark can live up to 70 years old.

Sharks can have up to 100 babies at a time. Georgetown still probably wouldn’t give them birth control.

Sharks can see almost as well behind them as they can in front.

Sharks can’t live on land. Bull sharks have been reported to swim up the Mississippi River. There are more than 440 shark species. The oldest species of sharks is the frilled shark at 95 million years. It’s basically a dinosaur.

Newborn sharks are called pups. Submit your favorite shark photos for Vox Pupuli now!

Nurse sharks will eat their own siblings when they’re born. No word on if NHS students do the same thing.

The jaws of some sharks are twice as powerful as a lion’s.

Two-thirds of a shark’s brain is dedicated to smelling things.

After mating, some female sharks can save a male’s sperm in their bodies for up to a year, until they choose to impregnate themselves and reproduce.

Shark oil is used in some anti-aging skin creams.

The dwarf lanternshark is only 6 inches long.

Sharks don’t have bones. Their skeleton is made up of cartilage and tissue.

Tiger sharks can eat jellyfish without the stingers affecting them. They have a bit more luck than SpongeBob with jellyfishing.

Around 100 million sharks are killed by people each year. Damn, right?

Sharks can smell one drop of blood in a million drops of water. They would make good partners for Dexter.

Sharks can go through 20,000 teeth in their lifetime.

Sharks can go six weeks without eating. That means they can fast straight through Lent.

SHARKFACTS.ORG

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Gordon Ramsay bites off a bit more than he can chew by Kirill Makarenko “You disappoint me, Ramsay,” remarked journalist and Top Gear host James May as the chef vomited into an orange bucket. As very few will recall, Gordon Ramsay challenged May in the third season of The F Word to a contest that would determine which of the two had the largest man-parts. Following a rather uneventful partaking of snake whiskey and bull penis, the waiter brought forth the main course— shark meat. Ramsay could not stomach the Icelandic delicacy, and was reduced to cowering under May’s judgment. I look on the award-winning so-called master chef with the same smugness. While I did not have the capital necessary to travel to Iceland and procure aged Hákarl, I was able to sample shark-ﬁn soup—a popular dish in much of Europe and, oddly, Michigan—prepared in a rather suspicious third-ﬂoor Moscow apartment I visited over spring break.

in the harshest and most unforgiving of environments—Russia and Detroit—Ramsay’s compara-

tively weak body rejects the same meal of champions in his own restaurant. Gordon, grow a pair.

The initial preparation process did give me pause—the ammonia-rich stench pouring out of the kitchen made even walking into Leo’s seem like strolling through a field of wildflowers in early spring. Fortunately, the smell of chicken bouillon soon joined the unappealing odor of raw man-killer slowly simmering on the Soviet-era gas stove. To the soundtrack of faint cursing and the abrasive click of the striker attempting to reignite the occasionally fading flames, my body slowly adjusted to this novel shark smell. As I sat on the traditional Russian taburetka and stared at the bits of carrot and cucumber floating in the shark fleshinfested bowl, the odor must have begun to affect my sanity. I sprinkled some salt, pepper, and chopped parsley into the broth and took the first sip. Those who claim that a new food tastes like chicken deserve the same fate as Jaws of The Spy Who Loved Me. Aside from being

slightly fishy (no pun intended), shark is unlike anything I have ever had the misfortune of consuming. Numerous Icelandic culinary experts recommend that first-time diners plug their noses to avoid an inescapable gag reflex resulting from the smell, but since my guide was elsewhere, he did not make me aware of this suggestion. The shark assaulted my senses, rendering me incapable of sight and speech as tears briefly filled my eyes. The shark’s taste had consumed every other ingredient in the soup. The chicken broth never had a chance, and the salt did little to alleviate the shock of what initially seemed like rotting, zombie salmon flesh. But then it was over. This first bite proved the most difficult—I finished the remainder of the dish with little effort. Shark is certainly an acquired taste, and I have no desire to further develop it. Still, I emerged victorious from the experience. As Americans consume shark meat

Gordon Ramsay should have known; in Russia, shark (soup) eats you.

The Horn shark added that the supply of free food is a silver lining. “I just want to pinch myself all the time, but then I remember that I don’t have any ﬁngers,” he gushed through a swirl of enthusiastic bubbles.

ism was difficult to get used to at first, especially for the shy Swellshark. Many tourists can be insensitive, some tapping on the glass and others making faces. “The really annoying ones insist on wearing those

for feeding one of these days,” the horn shark grumbled in agreement. When asked about what they enjoy doing in their free time, the sharks generally agreed that a good game of “Sharks &

KATHLEEN SORIANO-TAYLOR

D.C. sharks reflect on aquarium conditions, life aquatic by Julia Lloyd-George Last week, the National Aquarium gave the Voice the unique opportunity to interview three of the sharks housed in the basement of its building on 14th and Constitution Ave. Despite having to go through extensive security to visit the sharks—they do, of course, live in a federal government building—they gracefully downplayed their celebrity status and responded to my questions with the utmost candor. Even though I had to read their expressions through the glass, it was clear that they do not let the customized enclosure and legions of ogling visitors go to their cartilage-protected heads. When I first asked them about their backgrounds, they were clearly reluctant to respond. The Swellshark swam off into a corner, and the two that remained were noticeably uncomfortable. The Leopard shark, however, eventually emitted some meaningful bubbles. “Leaving the ocean wasn’t easy, but I think that going out of our comfort zone was worth the sacrifice,” he said. “Out quality of life has definitely improved.”

NATIONAL AQUARIUM

“I almost made the casting call for Jaws 4, but they chose that pretentious Tiger shark instead. What a sell-out.” A typical day for these three sharks revolves around seeing a litany of tourists pass by their glass enclosure. They admitted that the incessant voyeur-

ridiculous Hawaiian shirts and taking thousands of photos,” the Leopard shark said, clearly exasperated. “I wouldn’t mind seeing them drop into our tank

Minnows” or “Go Fish” (these usually occur around meal times) provide ample entertainment when making fun of tourists gets to be too much.

Their last resort is listening to the Swellshark’s existentialist leanings. “Honestly, living in a tank is depressing enough as it is without hearing his reﬂections on the meaninglessness of life,” the leopard shark said. The swell shark declined to comment. The conversation grew heated when I mentioned sharks in pop culture. Insisting that they are misunderstood enough as it is, the sharks attributed society’s gross misconceptions of them to the film industry. In their opinion, Jaws was just the beginning. “Sharks got a lot of attention after that, but it was all for the wrong reasons,” the horn shark said. Representations of sharks as aggressive killing machines, in his opinion, are completely inaccurate. Recent depictions of sharks as struggling with eating lifestyle choices simply cater to the other extreme. “The whole ‘fish are friends, not food’ thing is just ridiculous,” piped up the Swellshark. “And don’t even get me started on The Life Aquatic—a Jaguar shark doesn’t even exist!” exclaimed the snubbed leopard shark. Clearly, the representation of sharks in films was a sore subject for this trio.

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“Ha, ha! They’re all going to die.” — Jaws

the georgetown voice 11

Critically acclaimed Street Sharks resonates through time by Will Collins This week, everyone needs to take a break from Mad Men and remember back to the real Golden Age of television—the 1990s. Full House, Boy Meets World, and Street Sharks were at our slimy seven-year-old fingertips, and we didn’t even know how good we had it. You may not recognize those first two shows, as they are often

cited as irrelevant, but you are certain to recognize the third. Ah yes, Street Sharks, the one and only show about the crimefighting mutant shark-men. “Action cartoon Street Sharks, which aired from 1994 to 1995 and managed three seasons, though short-lived, was and is perhaps the most influential television show on American current affairs, both culturally and politically,” said Dr. Fissure Fishburn, a renowed selachimorphapologist and one of the few ac-

YOUTUBE

Samuel L. vs. the shark

There are few things in this world scarier than sharks. If not for sharks, tropical beach resorts could be fully realized pieces of heaven on earth, instead of bastions of terror with bathers constantly on the lookout for dorsal ﬁns. Since most of us haven’t had the personal experience of a shark attack, we are left to wonder how splashing one’s feet in the water came to immediately trigger the image of a shark bite. For most, it was Jaws. For this writer, it’s the 1999 shark thriller Deep Blue Sea. In Deep Blue Sea, scientists after the cure for Alzheimer ’s decide to test their chemicals on sharks. I know what you’re thinking—What? Who in their right mind would try to increase the tissue in a shark’s brain? People in a stupid shark movie, that’s who. Anyway, to prove that the testing is working, the scientists invite a corporate executive to visit the shark facility—a corporate executive played by none other

than Samuel L. Jackson. In the end, most of the team ends up getting ripped to shreds by the genius sharks, but the heroic efforts of a chef played by LL Cool J provide the survivors with some much needed hope in defeating these mutant sea creatures. I don’t mean to spoil the movie for you, but the best scene is the death of Samuel Jackson. In the scene, Jackson delivers an inspirational speech, striking a chord of unity in the team for the sake of survival. Corny music sets the tone as he assures everyone, “We’re going to pull together, and we’re going to get out of here.” At last, it looks like these scientists have found a sense of order in which their lives can be reclaimed. He continues, “First, we’re going to seal off this—” and midsentence, his plan for salvation is put to rest. A shark leaps out of the water, grabs Jackson between its massive teeth, and pulls him into the water.

ademics working specifically on the study of American shark culture. Not since the 1960s have a group of four young men influenced an entire cultural tide; not since the Founding Fathers have a group of four young men made such an splash on the political sea of America. The Street Sharks do have a particularly well-known and heavily studied cast member, who goes by the name of Jab. Jab is believed widely by scholars to be Newt Gingrich’s biggest influence as Speaker of the House during the Clinton Administration, due to his incredible hardheadedness (Jab is, fittingly, a hammerhead shark). However, Jab is not the only major influence on American culture and politics. “The concept of ‘cool’ was restricted to Johnny Depp and John Cusack, until the Street Sharks came along and took America by tsunami,” Dr. Fishburn said. “One of the four brothers of the show, Streex, completely replaced the concept of cool. He basically de-

fined the modern cool-type, one of pure bad-assery and drum-playing.” Another shark brother, Big Slammu, saved a whole generation of football players from fading into the abyss, once again making it okay to be a giant dimwitted wrecking-ball. The last brother, Ripster, had an entirely different effect than the other brothers. Though 1975 Bmovie Jaws is often cited as the primary cause of the common American fear of sharks, few know that this was actually Ripster ’s

This may be the scariest surprise in movie history. In one moment, Samuel L. Jackson, the original hard motherfucker, is pumping hope into his companions’ heart like a prophet, and then, splash, he’s gone. Maybe this scene was so shocking because the last thing any sentient being on this planet would do is mess with Sam Jackson. That these purportedly “smart” sharks had the

That terrifying scene aside, Deep Blue Sea is a rare breed of horror movies in its ability to ask the big questions. The possibility of these intelligent sharks reaching the outside world and breeding baby geniuses is a frightening, and dare I say pertinent, prospect in today’s age of genetic mutations. By managing to evoke Planet of the Apes-style hypotheticals, Deep Blue Sea encompasses more than the individual fear of being consumed by a shark; no, when I step into the water, my brain conjures images of Einstein and Newton sharks. Sometimes, despite the pleas of my sanity, I imagine that sharks have their own version of Samuel L. Jackson. “I have had it with these motherfucking humans on this motherfucking planet” echoes in my dreams, making me wonder why global warming must always be the issue at hand. Have humans become too ignorant to address the imminent threat of hyper-intelligent sharks?

Box Office, Baby! by John Sapunor a bi-weekly column about film gall to take a bite out of the human race’s preeminent badass speaks miles to the extent of these creatures’ reckless malice. After pondering this, the personal implications of the attack became more terrifying than the scene itself; if this shark just jumped out of the water to pick a fight with Sam Jackson, what are the odds of survival for a five-foot-five nationally ranked Age of Empires player?

doing. He was the smartest of the brothers, and an

avid pool player, strengthening America’s collective fears of knowledge and billiards. Despite its overwhelming influence, the show did not last long for one primary reason: if the show were to keep going, all of the other shows on television would fail. The only show that anyone watched during Street Sharks’ three-season run was Street Sharks—why else do you think there was no recorded Super Bowl winner for the years 1994 and 1995?

YOUTUBE

On a serious note, sharks occupy a significant role in the history of cinema, and they must be given credit where credit is due. Jaws would not be Jaws without sharks. The Deep Blue Sea would not exist if sharks had gone the way of the dinosaurs. So the next time you’re swimming in salt water, show them that their work on screen has made a difference in our lives. In other words, let out a little scream every here and there. It’ll make the sharks feel a lot better about themselves. Help John avenge Jackson at jsapunor@georgetownvoice.com

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Go get shwasty with the sharks Shark Haikus by Voice Staff

Shark week would be incomplete without some shark-inspired concoctions. Take a note from down under and follow these sharks’ lead as they class up their Mad Men watching party with this blue Curacao twist on a classic gin and tonic, or two other shark favorites. The Voice Shark Week Drinking Game: Drink every time you read the word “shark” in this issue.

WALK THE PLANK

THE SHARK ATTACK

Ingredients:

2 oz. Captain Morgan rum

2 oz. Jim Beam whiskey

6 oz. Coke

2 oz. Fireball cinnamon whiskey

2 drops Angostura bitters

2 oz. Coffee Patrón tequila

3 sticks black licorice

2 oz. V-8 vegetable juice

1 cup of ice

Drink in one swig. Don’t die.

Sharks in Paris So I swim so hard, Brody tryna kill me; first He gotta find me That Shit Cray Sharks chill in Paris And they goin’ gorillas Eatin’ fish fillet

Swim Into My Life Hey, I just met you And all you sharks are crazy So eat me, maybe

THE FIN & TONIC Ingredients: 2 oz. Hendricks gin

And a Miley Song Was On I put my ﬁns up They swimmin’ away; munchin’ In the U.S.A.

5 oz. tonic 1 oz. of Domaine de Canton A splash of Blue Curacao

Lemme Smang It How you like your eggs If you are a Great White shark Fried or fertelized?

1 cup of ice Preparation: Mix over ice and garnish with lime.

KATHLEEN SORIANO-TAYLOR

Fish are friends, not food

With their raw strength and unbridled ferocity, sharks evoke so much power and energy that we use the name to describe business moguls and successful entrepreneurs. Add on the unfortunate reality of shark attacks on humans, and sharks take on an almost mythic nature—they excite our wildest imaginations and simultaneously haunt our worst nightmares. It is no surprise, then, that when BBC set out to film the most awe-inspiring and captivating scenes of the natural world for Planet Earth—the most ambitious and most expensive nature documentary series of all time— sharks had to be a focal point. In a particular scene from the ninth episode of the Shallow Seas section, Sigourney Weaver somberly narrates the frightening attack by a great white shark on an unsuspecting mother Cape fur seal. Achieving a mid-air arabesque as its multiple rows of teeth rip through the seal’s thick blubber, the great white

Hammerhead Sharks are for lovers Because lovers always say Please, please don’t use teeth

asserts its dominance at the top of the food chain with an undeniable, yet eerie, grace. The footage, shot in stunning HD, is slowed down so that viewers can soak in the grand scale of the gruesome kill and mourn the loss of the orphan seal pup’s mother. Though visually stunning, the scene paralleled footage I’d seen thousands of times before on Animal Planet’s The Most Extreme or during Discovery’s Shark Week, only shot through a more kick-ass camera. Cute seal is swimming. Shark fin appears in water. Seal is oblivious. Seal gets eaten. Like Avatar vis-à -vis Pocahantas, Planet Earth told the same old story with better graphics: great whites are ferocious killers. But is the “killer” label appropriate? Other species, such as the tiger shark, bull shark, and the oceanic whitetip have been known to consume humans, but none is more haunted by the killer label than the great white. Whether it’s in

big-budget Hollywood films or Animal Planet miniseries, great whites constantly play the role of the unremorseful man-eater. The statistics, however, paint a different picture. On average, sharks kill one American each year. Compare that to bees or dogs, which are responsible for 53 and 31 American deaths per year, respectively. Even inanimate objects are deadlier than the “killer” shark; skateboards and swimming pools are more likely to take human lives than

Trash Talk

by Keaton Hoffman a bi-weekly column about reality television sharks. Despite the facts, the killer label endures. If you expand the victim pool to all animals, of course, all sharks are killers, in that they are heterotrophic carnivores who rely on the consumption of other animal matter for energy. Even the enormous whale shark, appreciated for its docile nature and plankton diet, consumes ﬁsh and squid on occa-

sion. But sharks are not alone in their afﬁnity for meat. From the domestic cat to the BBQloving Texan, many inane and unthreatening organisms eat other animals for food. So yes, sharks are killers. Unfortunately, through their ﬁlmmaking the naturalist-director community has done sharks, especially the great white, a disservice by focusing on this limited dimension of “sharkness.” Eating is without a doubt an important component in the life cycle of a great white shark, but it is only one part. Great whites are one of the more social species of sharks, having been observed swimming in hereditary clans, reflecting a relational awareness and solidarity fairly unique among shark species. Great whites are also ovoviviparous, meaning that rather than laying eggs, like most other fish, they give birth to live young. But instead of featuring these behaviors that humanize sharks and incite empathy (which it does over the series with other carnivores and known man-killers like polar

bears, lions, or grizzly bears), the producers of Planet Earth decided to perpetuate the label of sharks as vicious killers. In the name of conservation, television programs like Planet Earth can no longer ignore the social and “human” aspects of great white sharks. The species is already listed as vulnerable by the International Union for Conservation of Nature, but these majestic kings of the sea face a litany of anthropogenic threats from overfishing to rising sea water acidity. Therefore, in the same way that the World Wildlife Fund endeared pandas to the world to promote their conservation, ecologically-motivated docu-series like Planet Earth need to champion the cause of shark preservation by offering a holistic portrayal of the great white. Otherwise, the great white may go the way of the dinosaur—or the cassette tape—and disappear into the abyss forever. Ask for pics of Keaton’s great white shark at khoffman@georgetownvoice.com

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the georgetown voice 13

megashark vs. dinojack

CANNON WARREN

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14 the georgetown voice

april 1, 2012

Piranha 3DD blows like a killer whale’s waterspout by Jaws Piranha 3DD sinks water-animal horror movies to a new low. And I’m not talking about Marianas Trench low. This movie just bites. What happened to class in our little pond of a genre? My movie was directed by Steven Spielberg, for Christ’s sake. This piece of fish shit was directed by John Gulager of Feast, Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds, and Feast 3: The Happy Finish. To be honest, though, those movies sound awesome. However, while I scared a town to death and made them bring in Richard Dreyfuss and a bigger boat, Piranha 3DD brings in a lazy David Hasselhoff and some bigger boobs. The movie takes place at a newly open and hopping water park. The owner has brought in topless stripper lifeguards. From that point on, how am I supposed to take anything seriously? I mean, we all knew this was coming just from the title. But just imagine if my first movie was basically a porno. Spielberg’s career would have really gone far from

there. I mean, E.T. definitely could use more sex. And Jurassic Park is missing out on some really great opportunities involving the KFC guy. But Piranha 3DD also includes Christopher Lloyd playing a crazy scientist talking about how piranhas have turned into killers that somehow navigate the plumbing system. And they’re heading straight for Big Wet Water Park. If you’ve ever been thoroughly disgusted by the urinefilled pools

on a cheap gimmick. Instead, I started a horrible trend where this movie is the sequel to a 3D movie that was a remake of a 3D movie. Great Neptune! When does it all end? Well, thankfully, not before the crippled sheriff attaches an AK47 as a prosthetic and begins to take out piranhas left and right. I’m just glad I never had to face him.

at water parks, this movie is for you. Because instead of the magic dye from Adam Sandler’s Grown Up, you just get a pack of piranhas to chew up your genitals. And this movie features a lot of private parts getting chewed up. But I have to say, I never would have made Jaws 3D if I knew it would lead to this. I should have nixed the idea right away instead of selling out to make a few extra bucks

ing shark A big-ass fuck

I guess they want all the glitz and the glamor for their gills, and they want to chill with the Hoff. Also, couldn’t this movie take place in Brazil like the first? There are some great resorts down there, and it would keep

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But I have to go after these piranhas for their terrible acting. Why would they go to a water park in the first place? It’s an enclosed space—stay in the open water, you dummies. They clearly didn’t have to go to class to join their school of fish. It’s all about the Deep Blue Sea. That alone adds horror, since no one can hear you scream when you’re ten miles out in the open water. But

t h e original Amazon location for the fish. Hell, even Anaconda had the integrity to be based in South America so Owen Wilson could be swallowed whole and Ice Cube could kick some snake butt…or tail. I guess Great Whites don’t show up off the East Coast too often, but it’s not too far of a swim. But maybe I’m just not cool anymore, now that I’m 37 years old. Actually, I’ve been dead for 37 years. I was blown up in the

unless they’re in the form of delicious shark fin soup. A gross hypocrisy lies at the heart of Shark Week. On one hand, the appeal of sharks relies largely on their portrayal in popular culture as fearsome killing machines. Discovery Channel knows this, and many of the features during Shark Week deal with shark attacks on humans. Of course, shark attacks are a bit played out, but it’s still pretty awesome to watch a Great White eat some guy on a surfboard and spit out puka shells. By the end of documentaries like Killer Sharks, I’m writing the White House to demand an ocean-wide antishark drone campaign, preferably with no congressional oversight. But on the other hand, you have the dreaded conscientious side of Shark Week, in which the threat of sharks is minimized for the sake of promoting conservation efforts. Consider this recent tweet from the official Shark Week Twitter account: “Did you know you’re more likely to get bit by a person than a shark?” First of all, kinky! Second, that doesn’t make sharks cool; it makes them boring. Shark experts—undeniably the media whores of the zoology world—are constantly assuring us that shark attacks are incredibly rare… from the comfort of their giant submersible metal cages. Well, I just watched an hour of innocent bros in Oakleys being eaten alive, so forgive me if I’m not concerned about

Jaws ending up in a restaurant. Stop trying to cultivate in me a greater respect for sharks when it was your cynical advertising that made me this way. Sharks are vastly overrated as man-eaters, at the expense of lesser-known but more vicious creatures. You want a cool predator, Discovery Channel? Travel to Burundi and find the crocodile known as “Gustave,” that’s still at large. He’s 60 years old, weighs a ton, and he has savagely killed and eaten 300 people! He has also been studied extensively by herpetologists, which is hilarious until you look up what ‘herpetologist’ means. There are plenty of other insatiable rogues worthy of coverage, such as the Champawat Tigress, which killed 436 people in Nepal. Let’s see a shark put up those numbers. It is surprising that a network as shitty as the Discovery Channel is able to mount such an effective advertising campaign in support of Shark Week. We’re talking about a channel whose name is almost as misleading as the “History” Channel’s. Wow, you sat on your ass for two hours and learned about a few blue-collar jobs? Congratulations Magellan, mankind’s horizons have forever been broadened. If you don’t watch that dreck during the rest of the year, there’s no reason to tune in for Shark Week. Depressingly, Discovery Channel has succeeded in convincing millions to revel in the camp and

original movie, right? Why were there three more movies? I’ve got no right to really be biting into this movie after selling out like that. But I could seriously eat their entire pack whole. I’m just grateful that I’ve been able to rest in Davy Jones’s locker since 1987. Piranha 3DD is the worst kind of fish-ploitation possible. But while this film has no shortage of attacks, boobs, and Bmovie stars, it doesn’t contain a John Williams soundtrack, so suck it! Hell, even Tintin got one of those. I’m the original bad-finned shark of the whole damn ocean, so these puny punks can have their water park and beautiful big-breasted Hasselhoffs. And at least I never got my head bitten off by Gary fucking Busey.

Jaws is a freshman in the MSB. His favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast, which happens to be the same as Rob Sapunor’s.

Hey, Discovery Channel! Pick a better animal, dammit by Jake Schindler When I heard the Voice was publishing a shark-themed issue, I felt a sense of dread usually reserved for those dismal seven days of August programming on the Discovery Channel. I despise sharks, and I despise Shark Week. I’m not trying to be an obnoxious contrarian (if I were, I’d write about how

and why I never read the Harry Potter books), and I’m not above enjoying even the most exploitative of animal-themed cable shows (which is surely Animal Planet’s Too Cute). But sharks just plain bore me, and they’re close to the bottom of my list of animals that deserve a week of programming. I don’t want sharks shoved down my throat any longer,

Sharks have never been this fearsome. Sharktopus? Come on.

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the kitsch of Shark Week, whether sincerely or ironically. But sharks have had a pernicious effect on our culture that goes beyond Shark Week, or even the Jaws sequels. Make no mistake—sharks are assholes. Their dorsal fins are like the popped collars of the sea. In 1991, British artist Damien Hirst displayed an encased Tiger Shark preserved in formaldehyde, and called it “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living.” That title makes me want to throw up forever. The piece sold for $12 million. Sharks will not rest until they have destroyed every bastion of decency and good taste in Western culture. Shark Week is a tired concept whose time has come and gone. Maybe it was a good idea when it was introduced in 1987; back then its only competition on basic cable was SportsCenter and scrambled porn. Today, we have better options than watching repetitive shows about time-worn predators. But of course, there is one beloved element of Shark Week that I haven’t addressed, and that’s the Shark Week drinking game. The rules are simple: It’s summer! Go get drunk outdoors like everybody else—just stay away from the beach.

Jake Schindler is a senior in the SFS. Besides his disdain for sharks, Jake also hates roller coasters and pizza parties.

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As I lay dying on the beach: The ﬁnal ruminations of a seal JULIA KWON

by Sparky the Seal Hey you there, reading the newspaper! I’m in a bit of a tight and sharp situation. I’m down here in the grips of this freaking great white shark. Why is this happening to me? Aren’t the odds of getting eaten by a shark one in a million? I mean, yes, but I’m a seal. Sharks eat seals all the time, but I always thought it would be another seal. Now I’m about to become a simple statistic. This shark won’t even remember me in a day. So just how did I get into the Jaws of Death here? I was always a good seal, obedient to my family. I even had a couple young pups of my own that I was just teaching to swim. And so this morning I leave the old cove to go find lunch for the family and am having a pretty successful run when I notice I’m being followed.

Now we’ve all seen shark movies before, but in real life, they don’t play the Jaws theme when a shark starts following you. You just turn around and BOOM. Shark. So I start freaking out, zig-zagging, reversing direction, trying to look like a surfer. But the bastard keeps on my tail. And so I start swimming towards the surface. And just as I’m about to reach fresh air I feel Sharky getting close to me and next thing I know I’m airborne…in the mouth of the shark as he’s jumping through the air. At least it’s going to be a glorious way to go. I mean, what a show. I’d never felt anything like it before. The adrenaline, the rush of blood to my head. And getting tossed through the air like a beanbag. It was a hell of a jump. I’m actually impressed more than anything. I mean, how the hell does he jump fully out of the water? He’s, like, 20 feet long!

“Hello baby seal. I got a van full of candy. Want to come see?”

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Based on a true story

It’s a beautiful dawn on Martha’s Vineyard (a.k.a. Amity Island), where a young woman dashes into the sea for a swim at sunrise. She paddles peacefully through calm open water, with not a care in the world. This must be heaven, right? Then we hear it: duh-nuh… duh-nuh… The simple but iconic notes from the Oscar-winning score to Steven Spielberg’s thrilling 1975 masterpiece Jaws can only mean that danger is approaching. The woman may be free, but she has strayed into the realm of monsters, where human conscience and reason mean little.

Nature has no mercy. Before we know it, this image of tranquility morphs into a murder of the most violent proportions. After failing and thrashing at the whim of an unseen killer, she is pulled under surface, stripped of every sense of the vitality she embraced just moments earlier. Jaws is filmmaking at its best, constantly toying with the human emotions of fear and anticipation to prevent all but the most hardened and skeptical souls to come away unscarred. Even more horrifying than the shark attacks themselves, however, is just how real and possible

Let the Voice be your voice. We accept opinions, letters to the editor, personal experiences, and creative writing that are exclusive to the Voice. Submissions do not express the opinion of the board of the Voice. The Voice reserves the right to edit submissions for accuracy, length, and clarity. To submit, email voices@georgetownvoice. com or come to the Voice office in Leavey 424. Opinions expressed in the Voices section do not necessarily reflect the views of the General Board of the Voice.

Rob Sapunor being abducted by Sharktopus—If you have any tips on his whereabouts, call (202) 6-VOICE.

But right now my life is flashing before me, and it turns out, it was kind of repetitive. Find food, sleep, find more food. I never even got to learn any cool tricks like balancing a beach ball on my nose. But in an instant my entire life is shown before me. At first I denied that this would be happening to me. Why me? Why now? Then I get angry at this son of a bitch for eating me. Screw you, shark! Then I thought, maybe I can reason with the guy. Excuse me, Mr. Shark, I believe you have mistaken me for your meal. And then I come to the sad realization that this would be it. I mean, sharks can’t understand me. They’re too dumb to even bother reasoning with. And now I’ve come to accept that at least it will all be over soon. they feel. Few who have ever seen Jaws have gone rushing right back into the ocean, and I personally know several who struggle to get into a pool. One could argue that no film has had a more powerful impact on the psyche of the population as Jaws has, as an entire gen-

Carrying On by Dan Kellner A rotating column by Voice senior staffers

eration of swimmers thinks of that music and those atrocities every time they get into the water. Subsequently, sharks have received the label of “man-eaters,” even by those people who can separate the movie’s fictitious embellishment of a shark’s thirst for human ﬂesh from reality. Of course, most sharks are relatively harmless unless provoked, and most humans rarely encounter a shark outside the friendly confines of an aquarium.

Probably one quick “chomp” and I’ll be up in the big blue beyond. I mean, this guy has 20,000 teeth. There’s no way it’ll take more than a second. It’s like Madame Guillotine, but in the ocean and violently thrashing through the water at 30 miles per hour. Now I’ve got a good view down this guy’s throat. Is that a tire down there? Man, why are people still polluting? I’ll have to spend eternity sharing the bowels with a bunch of trash. God, he eats a lot of disgusting stuff. And about a million plankton. They’re kind of just hanging out down there actually. Swallowed whole. Lucky buggers. Uh-oh, looks like the jaws are getting a bit tighter. I haven’t much time. Wait, I see some people off in a boat.

Yet, even though it is unlikely for a shark to go on a killing spree, that does not mean it has not happened … or won’t happen again. In fact, the most prominent case of man-hunting sharks in the U.S. occurred in an area many Georgetown students know very well— the Jersey Shore. From July 1 to July 12, 1916, four individuals were killed and seven more were gravely injured by sharks in a two-week tragedy that gripped the local population. These attacks have been credited as the inspiration for Jaws, though the Jersey Shore attacks were far less concentrated than those depicted in the Spielberg adaptation, in which one Great White terrorizes a single island community. But the reality of the Jersey Shore attacks elicits even more fear than their exaggerated depiction in the movies. While the people of Amity Island were held hostage by a crazed and oversized Great White in an almost supernatural scenario, the Jersey beachgoers were victims of an uncharacteristically

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They’ve got a camera! They’re sure to tell my story and make sure this never happens to a seal again! Maybe our days of oppression at the fins of the great white shark will finally be over when this goes viral. Who couldn’t sympathize with a poor, little seal? Surely such gruesome violence wouldn’t excite people. If anything I’m sure they’ll have a National Seal Week to help preserve such a graceful and playful creature. Well, here it is. I’m all the way down the hatchet. I’m afraid I’ve got to say farewell.

Sparky the Seal was a freshman in the College (20072008). He assures the Voice is not related to Rob Sapunor. aggressive bull shark population, a change in behavior that remains unexplained. Not only is a group of hungry sharks much scarier than one, but the bull shark possesses the unique ability among these sea monsters to swim in fresh water, which allowed them to commit several of the Jersey Shore attacks miles inland within the state’s many rivers and creeks. In other words, no water was safe from the clutches of the real Jaws. So, as a word of caution to those who think Snooki is the scariest thing you’ll see near the beach: tread carefully. Remember that Jaws actually happened, and much closer to home than you might think. I hope everyone has a nice summer. Happy Shark Week.

Dan Kellner is a senior in the College. According to him, Snooki is less of a shark and more of a beached whale.