4 minute read
By the Way
Just Thinking By the Way
The weighty thoughts of a pig
By Emory Jones
Clapping is another human activity Cunningham questions. And it is a strange business. “Hey, you up there on stage. I like what you just did. Let me bang my hands together to express my delight.” Pigs don’t clap, and that’s one of the things I like best about them.
Cunningham doesn’t get the idea behind Christmas trees. When he asked me why people, for one month every year, chop down a perfectly healthy tree, drag it into the house, and put things on it to make it look like it’s still alive. And, oh, while we’re at it, let’s wrap some boxes in brightly colored paper and stick them under it, too. You can see how that would seem strange to a pig.
Cunningham also ponders why we cook bacon and bake cookies. That makes no sense, yet people do it routinely.
The pig even questions living rooms. What are we supposed to do in the other rooms? And if a person dies in a living room, well, isn’t that a bit ironic?
And if time is money, is an ATM a time machine?
And what about, “The early bird gets the worm?” Every pig knows the best time to catch worms is after dark, so why wouldn’t a late bird get more worms than an early one?
I didn’t even try to answer that one.
It’s been nice having my pet pig, Cunningham, home from Hollywood. At least for me. My wife, Judy, isn’t as happy about it as I am, though. I think she just liked telling her friends she had a Hollywood connection. I suppose she regarded it as a status symbol.
Anyway, since Cunningham’s return—and at Judy’s insistence—the pig and I have been spending a lot of time on the porch. I think Judy recognized the pig and I needed some bonding time. And that’s fine because it gives us time to ponder some of the deeper aspects of life itself.
The only problem is that Cunningham constantly asks me questions I find hard to answer. For example: if the tomato is really a fruit, is ketchup really a jam?
Yesterday, Cunningham asked me about balloons. What’s their reason for being and things like that. I mean, what purpose do they serve? He made me realize that the balloon is the weirdest thing mankind ever devised. Even taking one to a birthday party is strange when you think about it. I mean, “Happy birthday! Here’s a plastic sack of my breath. Sorry about the onions.”
Party balloons are even worse for a pig. The breath thing, I mean.
And eyebrows. I mean, they’re nice and all, but what purpose do they serve? Pigs don’t have eyebrows, and everybody’s okay with that. But when you see a person without eyebrows, we all think that’s strange. That seems weird to Cunningham. Especially after spending time in Hollywood.
Next, he brought up people’s names. I guess it’s different with pigs, but with us, here are two people you just met a few minutes earlier, and they get to pick out a word or two that will identify you for the rest of your days. Something’s not right about that. I mean, I would never pick Emory for a name. I’d have gone with Bob or Joe— nothing over three letters.
Just think of all the time it would save signing stuff. That adds up over a lifetime.
Emory Jones grew up in Northeast Georgia’s White County. After a stint in the Air Force, he joined Gold Kist as publications manager. He was the Southeastern editor for Farm Journal Magazine and executive vice president at Freebarin & Company, an Atlanta-based advertising agency. He has written seven books. Emory is known for his humor, love of history and all things Southern. He and his wife, Judy, live on Yonah Mountain near Cleveland, Georgia.
Atlanta Fine Homes Sotheby’s International Realty
Highly motivated, passionate and client-focused, Nancy Thorpe is a leading professional REALTOR®, offering her ardent services at Atlanta Fine Homes Sotheby’s International Realty. With over a decade of experience, and growing up within a family of real estate agents and developers, Nancy has cultivated a deep understanding of the buying and selling processes and knows exactly how to make transactions a positive journey for each client. Before becoming a real estate agent, Nancy was a mortgage lender with SunTrust, and later with Supreme Lending. She was a lender for almost six years and was a top producing LO on the number 1 team nationwide. Nancy is a native Atlantan and spent her Summers growing up on Lake Burton, eating ice cream at Anchorage, and camping on family land. Considering herself a true treasure hunter, nothing makes Nancy happier than being able to help people find their dream homes. She genuinely loves her career in real estate and always puts her clients first. Adventurous in spirit, you can find her soaking up the outdoors, Nancy enjoys horseback riding, white water rafting, and spending time with her husband, John. She lives in Dillard, where she loves caring for her animals and tending to her garden. You can reach Nancy at 404.488.5870 or 404.237.5000.
Robin Williams
