PHYFF 2021: ‘A La Mode’ by Kaya Trefz

A La Mode 6th Draft by Kaya Trefz

Kaya Trefz 325 Gaskill St. Philadelphia, PA 19147 215-460-1444

ELIZA FINEMAN (29) JOANIE GOLDBER (31) STAGE MANAGER (AGELESS)

1.

SCENE ONE.

The kitchen of À La Mode, the hit cooking show, the studio is clean and sleek, a color coordinated kitchen with a fridge, oven, blender, stand up mixer, etc. The kitchen is more than stocked with a false air that makes it seem as though it's never been used.

There is an island in front of the fridge/ oven area that Eliza Fineman (29) and Joanie Goldberg (31) are standing behind. Both are costumed fancily in dresses and in matching aprons. They appear to be in the middle of baking cinnamon rolls.

STAGE MANAGER (O.S.) Eight minutes to air, ladies! It’s looking good.

Thanks, Barry!

ELIZA

JOANIE (Grabs a ladle from the drawer of the island, she observes her reflection as she fixes her hair) That was good. Like really good.

ELIZA It was okay, it’s all about how the live show goes.

JOANIE I just feed off of knowing there's an audience. Like, I don’t normally like looking at the reviews, Twitter is so yawn, but I feel like the people will eat it up. You know, we’re good.

We’re a great couple.

ELIZA Let’s just finish rehearsing.

JOANIE (Voice more confident, as if to camera) And welcome back from our short break. I’m Joanie Goldberg, the À la of this mode if you will.

2.

ELIZA And I’m Eliza Fineman, now before our short break we were just diving into making our filling, slicing up our rolls, and learning the secret to a perfectly baked cinnamon roll!

(Cheery, television voice) For those following along at home, we want to make sure our oven is preheated to 375 degrees.

ELIZA bends down to put the cinnamon rolls in the oven, as she does this JOANIE pulls out two mugs and puts something in one of the mugs, then pouring coffee over it.

JOANIE Why don’t you try this coffee while we, while we wait. It’s to die for.

I’ve been cutting back.

On coffee? Since when?

ELIZA JOANIE

ELIZA (Shrugging) You don’t know everything about me.

JOANIE (She thrusts the mug towards her.)

So the viewers know how it pairs with your cinnamon rolls.

This is one of my favorite coffees (She holds up the bag, smiling) Lovebirds Coffee, coffee made for the special someone. For a freshly brewed bean made in our very own Brooklyn, this brand is perfect for an earthy and nutty flavor.

ELIZA sighs, but then takes a sip from the mug, she’s taken aback for a moment as she pulls a ring from her mouth, JOANIE is moving into a kneeling position.

JOANIE Eliza, I think you’re my cinnamon roll.

ELIZA (laughing, shocked) Wow Joanie! That is such a sm-smart idea to model...how to propose over breakfast.

Eliza-

JOANIE

3.

ELIZA Yep (laughing) that’s how you do it. A proposal… I didn’t think you would actuallyJOANIE I told you I’d fix it, get our ratings back up.

ELIZA But uh- that is... I could have choked.

(She hands Joanie back the ring) I can’t.

JOANIE You’re not serious, what are youELIZA (more affirmative, looking at Joanie) I’m not ready- I can’t be engaged. We’ve only dated for like a year. I don’t... I don’t even know how I feel about our relationship.

JOANIE (losing her false television voice) You can’t be serious. What about our show?

ELIZA Our show? Joanie this hasn’t been our show for a while it’s the come on Eliza do all the leg work while I post some stories to instagram. I don’t even think you care about cooking.

JOANIE I’m saving the show! For us. Take the ring on air.

(She thrusts the ring forward, Eliza shifts away) ELIZA I don’t want to … I don’t want some proposal on television for views! It’s supposed to be about the cooking!

JOANIE Come on this is perfect for our ratings! Loves cooking in the A La Mode kitchen? I give it like two point five mill likes on insta minimum.

ELIZA I’m done Jo. I need a break.

4.

JOANIE (Grabbing her wrist) You don’t mean that. You love this show. You love me.

I love cooking.

ELIZA

JOANIE And we’re cooking on this show! We just made cinnamon rollsELIZA I made cinnamon rolls. I always make it before the show starts.

JOANIE And I made coffee! This proposal, Eliza it’s what we need.

It’s like in soap operas when they reveal the daughter is actually the mother of the enemies baby.

ELIZA Do you even hear yourself right now?

STAGE MANAGER (O.S.) Everything okay? We have four minutes before we let the audience in and go on air!

ELIZA Yeah, we’re just rehearsing.

JOANIE You told me I had to take more initiative!

ELIZA Yeah. Initiative in picking recipes we cook or what movie we watch.

JOANIE And here’s initiative, marry me!

Are you happy?

ELIZA JOANIE Well we live in a gorge apartment in the Upper East Side, companies just give us free stuff because I have literally as many followers as Zendaya and we’re totally couple goals.

But are you happy?

Were you listen-

ELIZA JOANIE

5.

Eliza grabs the cinnamon rolls out of the oven, they aren’t cooked at all.

She sets them on the counter.

ELIZA Look. These aren’t cooked and they never will be. Do you know why that is?

JOANIE Because it’s a television show. Come on what’re you gonna say next you believe in Santa Claus?

ELIZA Because there’s already premade cinnamon rolls in the oven.

Everything we do on this show is fake camera magic. I just sped up a recipe that should take 48 hours with proofing into an hour window.

JOANIE No one wants to watch cinnamon rolls being made in real time.

ELIZA That’s not the- I don’t want to pretend I’m making food.

JOANIE You’re just... you’re going through a crisis or something, you’re being melodramatic. It doesn’t even have to be real real, you know. It could just be like a PR stunt.

ELIZA On air? You’re not listening! Forget about the ratings, Jo that means nothing.

JOANIE It’s romantic like that proposal at the Emmys that was on the news for weeks!

ELIZA That’s not the point! The point is its self absorbed. This is about cookingJOANIE Will you shut up about cooking for one second I’m proposing to you and you’re calling me selfish?! I’m the one trying to save this show because I love you.

No you don’t.

ELIZA JOANIE You don’t know how I feel!

ELIZA You didn’t even know I’m not drinking caffeine right now.

6.

JOANIE Oh it’s the end of the world I don’t know my girlfriend isn’t drinking coffee right now. That’s not even the point.

You changed.

ELIZA JOANIE What you wanted me to be the same as when we met working as shitty line cooks? You want to go back to our apartment that could barely fit our bed and had to have three different locks? Live off of just YouTube ads?

ELIZA It was just about cooking back then, you and me.

JOANIE We still do that, but people pay attention now. Our shtick is you do the recipe work and I show up and look pretty. We have a flow and people love us!

ELIZA (Cranking up the oven, she puts the rolls back in.)

Every day I come in and go through the most bland recipes and I don’t change a single thing. Well today I really want to cook something. I’m gonna put ELIZA CONTD. (Cheerily) on the fakest voice like I always do and say hey folks at home. I’m cranking the oven up to 600 degrees because nothing is real and why would it even matter.

JOANIE I don’t care if it’s 700, the oven doesn’t even work. When we go on air you can explain to the audience why recipes exist if you’re just ignore them, too.

ELIZA Oh of course Joanie. I’m sure when Julia Child, thee Julia Child made her take on coq au vin people were like “oh no Julia you see this recipe was made by Julius Caesar probably so you can’t touch it.” No Julia did her own take and now when people think coq au vin they think Julia Child.

JOANIE You can’t get mad at me. It’s not my fault you don’t like being on TV and being treated like a celebrity. You can’t just work for this and whine now that you have it.

7.

ELIZA I’m not even happy! I can’t even tell what’s for the public image and what’s real at this point. Was our relationship even real?

JOANIE Of course it’s real, baby. Just take the ring in a few minutes when we go on air. I’ll make it all better.

ELIZA Because I thought it was, but you don’t care. This ring isn’t for me. It’s for the show because you don’t want to move on.

Move on from what?

JOANIE ELIZA (gesturing) From me- this show.

JOANIE I don’t even know what I’d move onto. Look maybe I don’t even like cooking anymore! I like my life, I like living comfortably. This is a job Eliza, so you need to do yours and take the ring.

(Softly) You don’t like cooking.

ELIZA

The oven begins to smoke, neither notice.

JOANIE But I do it for you, because I love you. I love this show. I love being loved.

ELIZA It was fake. This show... our relationship...you don’t even like this.

JOANIE I’m just good at it. Like in school I wasn’t really good at anything, but when I cooked I was just... good. It made sense.

ELIZA (Laughing) I think if I didn’t cook I would die.

JOANIE And that’s why we work good together, don’t overthink it.

8.

ELIZA When all of my friends were applying to colleges it wasn’t even a question, I knew I’d go to culinary school. I knew I probably wouldn’t be the next Anthony Bourdain, but I had to cook. It’s all I could think about.

JOANIE (Smiling, fondly) And that’s why I’m doing this, for us.

ELIZA This just felt like the next step, but it was fake. We’re just pawns aren’t we? Made to sell the show with our relationship.

JOANIE Most good relationships are. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart? Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? People love when costars date, they love the good stuff! Why do you think if I take out my phone right now and scroll through instagram I just see the highlights? Good tv is fake!

ELIZA I’m not an actress. I’m a chef.

JOANIE And that’s why I have to work twice as hard for our public image. Because you don’t. Do you think I signed up for that?

No, but I do it because that’s what relationships are, compromise.

ELIZA Yeah I’m sure you hate it. Joanie I just watched you work a proposal into a live segment- it’s all an act and I can’t pretend anymore.

STAGE MANAGER (O.S.) Ladies can we get in places, we’re just about to let the live audience in!

The oven catches fire as the two instinctively jump back. Eliza smiles.

ELIZA (To herself, softly) Not completely fake. The oven does work.

JOANIE (Loudly) Can we get an extinguisher in here! We have a small fire in the oven.

9.

Eliza takes the ring from Joanie, smiling as she unties her apron.

It’s a nice ring.

ELIZA Joanie is shocked and watches her with the ring for a moment.

JOANIE I knew you’d come around.

ELIZA Good luck with the show, Joanie.

Eliza opens the oven, dropping each into the oven as the stage manager runs on with the fire extinguisher.

Lights down, end play.