Guinea pigs fend off thoughts

After a lazy July of outdoor jazz soirées, grazing, napping and of course dining out, at least two Glebe guinea pigs were suddenly struck by thinking. “We weren’t trying,” said Floof, “but it just hit us unexpectedly! I almost lost my appetite!”

Indeed, a guinea pig with thoughts can be a dangerous thing, especially when collectively shared. It is well-documented that the 1972 storming of The Pantry Vegetarian Tearoom was led by a small, fringe group of thinking guinea pigs (SFGT-GPs). While The Pantry has since closed, many residents remember it fondly and have not forgotten the shocking event.

The SFGT-GPs espoused

“totaleatarianism, which gained popularity that year due to its simple and attractive tenets: “All for the appetite; nothing outside the appetite; nothing against the appetite” and “carpe cellarium” (seize the pantry).

These nefarious thoughts culminated in the disturbing “Pantry pillage of ’72” by dozens of out-of-control guinea pigs.

The after-effects were disastrous, resulting in near annihilation of the Glebe guinea pigs when social engagements were cancelled and invitations to jazz soirées came to an abrupt end. “My doctoral thesis was in fact on this very event and its causes,” stated renowned rodentologist Rippeyoung. “The social ostracization caused the guinea pigs to suffer acute depression and at least two were hospitalized for sudden weight loss. My thesis demonstrated that totaleatarianism arose from a random conflation of a misheard Mussolini slogan with a line from Horace the poet,” explained Rippeyoung, who added that most rodents are born with Random Association Disorder (RAD).

“Generally, treatment for guinea pigs has been successful by keeping them away from politics and poetry, and hence away from experiencing thoughts,” provided Rippeyoung. “In the recent case of Floof and his friend, it turned out they had been reading some Mary Oliver, not realizing it was poetry.”