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A GUINEA PIG’S PERSPECTIVE ON THE GLEBE

Grassive-aggressive guinea pigs flood hospitals after no-mow May

Hospitals are asking for volunteers to assist as they receive hundreds of emergency bloat calls from gorging, grassive-aggressive guinea pigs. “Every June, guinea pigs flood to emergency rooms complaining of gas, bloat and an inability to eat more, which scares them,” said Steth Ascope, emergency room physician at the Glebe Hospital. “They’re very challenging to treat, agreeing sweetly to belly rub treatments with one physician, then squealing for PET scans with the next!”

Chubb Ford, premier of the Glebe, suggested cancelling no-mow May to save on health-care costs. However, the Killer Granny Bees (KGB), an effective environmental group, staged a sting-in, resulting in an abrupt withdrawal of Chubb’s proposal. Several pro-anti-no-mow-May supporters claimed the police were biased and secretly sided with the KGB, noting that officers were seen chatting to the bees.

“Let me be clear – we are apolitical and do not support unlawful sting-ins by the KGB,” stated Constable Babblevich. “In fact, we’d love no-mow May to be cancelled! We spend half our annual budget on arresting guinea pigs in bee suits trying to slip into the Experimental Farm to eat the spring dandelions! But with the current supply-chain challenges, there is a shortage of epinephrine autoinjectors, and I just can’t risk my officers going unprotected into a sting-in with the KGB!”

Indeed, with health-care bills on the rise, police costs going