CiteThis Magazine

[CITETHIS] SPRING 2014

The

Kraken is Real How to

Make

Maki!i S uh

CUDDLEBUDDIES Truth About Cuttlefish

5

Worst

Animals

to

Become

Zombies

Also Includes True Lies About +Penguins +Whale Watching Spring 2014 | 1

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CONTENTS

10

FEATURE

The Kraken is Real

Conservation 6 EXPLORE Whale Waiting 8 WHAT IF...

5 Worst Animals to Become Zombies

Sea Invasion 16 THE MORE YOU KNOW Penguins 18 STARFISH SPOTLIGHT CuddleBuddies 20 TRY IT OUT My Easy Maki Sushi

Images

On this Page: Discovery Channel Cover: Brian McCarty

CONTRIBUTORS Glencora Martinez

A Graphic Designer that has started from the bottom but now she is here as the Art Director. Brain Master behind CiteThis Magazine she guided and molded this magazine into the twisted comical emsamble of stories that we all secretly love.

Amanda Baez

Editor Carol Traynor Creative Director Jason Jones Art Director Glencora Martinez

Senior Account Executive Linda Shrieves Beaty

From Orlando to Canada she edits and remixes images to create some sexyness on the screen. She has worked on cracked.com as well as countless satire websites.

Her unique style not only brings pizzazz but the occacional pizza on Friday for lunch to the office, too bad we all work remotely.

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Publisher Lucy Boudet

Marketing Director Mary Jane Jones

Cierra White

Even though he is still in high school he has watched enough Mad Man to become this magazine’s copyrighter, or should I say copy-wronger?

Max has a way to edit the information into the prefect satire of words that just fly off the page like flies flying off a page.

valenciacollege.edu/citethismagazine SPRING 2014

Contributing Writers Cracked.com Glencora Martinez Edith Widder Max Fighterjet

Graduated as a Communication major from Pace University in New York City. She shares her stories and tells a message that helps us better understand everyday monotony. she also takes breathtaking photographs of bridges and cats, mostly Tommy’s cat. Amanda is the director of K-POP TV in which she has her own office.

Max Fighterjet

[CITETHIS]

Account Executive Susan Mullins Advertising Services Coordinator Melissa Tchen Editorial Assistant Rita Barnes Marketing Assistant Christian Knightly CiteThis is published quarterly by Valencia College Publications in coordination with Valencia’s Marketing and Strategic Communications Division for approximately 46 cents an issue. Opinions expressed in this magazine do not necessarily reflect the official position of Valencia College. Valencia College provides equal opportunities and employment to all. Contact the Office of Human Resources and Diversity for information.

P U B L I C AT I O N S CiteThis Magazine 1800 S. Kirkman Rd. Orlando, FL 32811 407-582-1017tt

Did you know that dolphins make awesome friends? They might also kill you and fuck around with your body a little bit for shits and giggles, so make sure you keep your new dolphin friends content with your being alive.

Speaking of being alive, did you know that these things live in the ocean? That’s crazy!

Humans have been (sort of half-assedly) trying to get around the seven seas beyond the fear of giant squid for millennia. Well, once you have yourself a new dolphin friend, you’ll be able to run all sorts of awesome underwater missions!

CONCERVATION 6 Explore – Whale Waiting 8 What If... – 5 Worst Animals to Become Zombies Image By: James Watt

WHALE WAITING

Richard Sandor // Whale watching in Neko Harbor, Antarctic Peninsula. 2010

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EXPLORE

Whale watching is the practice of observing whales in their natural habitat. To get to that habitat you kind of need to be in the deep end of the pool.

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History of Whale Watching Like Pt Barnum once said, “ There’s a sucker born every minute”.

Organized whale watching dates back to 1950 when the Cabrillo National Monument in San Diego was declared a public venue for observing Gray Whales. This was back when it was free.

All that changed when some jackass decided to charge people for they were getting for free.

It wasn’t all the jackass’s fault. Some moron, or morons also decided to pay for the service.

Not that the US are the only ones to fleece (sorry) charge people to watch whales, other countries have joined the band wagon. Not only can you take the family up the Pacific cost for that fun whale watching trip, you can also drag them to exotic places such as Africa, Costa Rica, Australia, and India.

Next time let’s stay home!

Conservation The rapid growth of the number of whale watching trips and the size of vessel used to watch whales may affect whale behavior, migratory patterns and breeding cycles. There is now strong evidence that whale watching can significantly affect the biology and ecology of whales. Really? Who would have thought that?

Imagine if you will, you and your family are sitting around the old dinner table just about to have dinner. Next thing you know a group of Orca whales burst in your front door decked out in camcorders and cameras and start taking pictures, touching you, rubbing your belly, and trying to make you do tricks? Wouldn’t that just mess up your evening? Would you go about your evening like nothing has happened? I don’t think so. You would be freaked out and ready to kick some Orca ass.

Environmental campaigners, concerned by what they consider the “quick-buck” mentality of some boat owners, continue to strongly urge all whale watcher operators to contribute

to local regulations governing whale watching. Let’s see they want operators to work together to set the rules which in turn will end up screwing them out of a lot of money? Do you see that happening? That’s like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Never going to happen.

Whaling and Whale Watching Take a guess who the biggest haters of whale watching are? Yep, you guessed it; the whalers. Well they watch whales too. However, they look at it differently. The average whale watcher sees a whale and thinks, “ Aw, how beautiful!” The whaler on the other hand looks at that same whale and says, “ Whoa! That sucker must be worth at least $150,000 easy!”

There is no agreement as to how to value a single animal, though it is probably much higher. However, it is clear from most coastal communities that are involved in whale watching that profits can be made and are more horizontally distributed throughout the community than if the animals were killed by a whaling industry.

I guess the bottom line is this; it sucks to be a whale. You will either have someone invading your habitat for an uninvited look around your living room, take some photos and leave. Or you will have someone invading your habitat for an uninvited look around your living room, kill you, and leave. God Bless the Whales.

5

Worst Animals to Become Zombies 5SPIDERS

GLENCORA MARTINEZ

Some animals are terrifying when they are alive, but this is a countdown of the 5 worst un-dead to encounter in the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Once the day comes you better run faster than your mate.

They hide in the dark corners of your room, and your girlfriend makes you kill them, but what if they rise and hide from you again. Where do they go? If they bite you do you become Spider man?

4TIGERS

3CROCODILE

C.

2RHINOCEROS

WHAT IF...

Poor eye sight, big horns, bad attitude, and the muscle to back it all up, – this mini-van sized mammal will mess up your zombie apocalypse.

D.

1BEAR Bears are cute and cuddly until they stand up on their hind legs and roar at you and charge your poor soul around the forest.

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E.

They lounge in the river taking in the sun but then they strike and with one bite they grab you and spin you around. But what if you manage to kill them and they lay there, is it dead or just preparing for its next strike.

A. Courtesy of flagstaffotos.com.au - Female Mouse Spider // B. Courtesy of www.wallpapersrapid.com - Angry Tiger // C. Courtesy of lina95.populus.org - American Crocodile // D. fkalltheway via flikr-White Rhinoceros // E. Pam “Alaska Girl at Heart” - Dandelion eating Grizzly

B.

They look cute and seem like the best thing to hug until they chase you down and use you as a chew toy. Then you manage to kill them only to realize you shouldn’t had skipped out on gym class.

A.

The

KRAKEN Is Real by: Edith Widder

Images Courtesy of Discovey Channel Illustration by Joe Wilson

Humankind has been looking for the giant squid (Architeuthis) since we first started taking pictures underwater. But the elusive deep-sea predator could never be caught on film.

Oceanographer and inventor Edith Widder shares the key insight— and the teamwork— that helped to capture the squid on camera for the first time.

The Kraken, a beast so terrifying it was said to devour men and ships and whales, and so enormous it could be mistaken for an island. In assessing the merits of such tales, it’s probably wise to keep in mind that old sailor’s saw that the only difference between a fairytale and a sea story is a fairytale begins, “Once upon a time,” and a sea story begins, “This ain’t no shit.”

Every fish that gets away grows with every telling of the tale. Nevertheless, there are giants in the ocean, and we now have video proof, as those of you that saw the Discovery Channel documentary are no doubt aware.

I was one of the three scientists on this expedition that took place last summer off Japan.I’m the short one. The other two are Dr. Tsunemi Kubodera and Dr. Steve O’Shea.

I owe my participation in this now-historic event to TED. In 2010, there was a TED event called Mission Blue held aboard the Lindblad

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Explorer in the Galapagos as part of the fulfillment of Sylvia Earle’s TED wish. I spoke about a new way of exploring the ocean, one that focuses on attracting animals instead of scaring them away. Mike deGruy was also invited, and he spoke with great passion about his love of the ocean, and he also talked to me about applying my approach to something he’s been involved with for a very long time,which is the hunt for the giant squid. It was Mike that got me invited to the squid summit, a gathering of squid experts at the Discovery Channel that summer during Shark Week.

I gave a talk on unobtrusive viewing and optical luring of deep sea squid in which I emphasized the importance of using quiet, unobtrusive platforms for exploration. This came out of hundreds of dives I have made, farting around in the dark using these platforms, and my impression that I saw more animals working from the submersible than I did with either of the remote-operated vehicles. But that could just be because the submersible has a wider field of view. But I also felt like I saw more animals working with the Tiburon than the Ventana, two vehicles with the same field of view but different propulsion systems.

So my suspicion was that it might have something to do with the amount of noise they make. So I set up a hydrophone on the bottom of the ocean, and I had each of these fly by at the same speed and distance and recorded the sound

they made. The Johnson Sea- the electronic jellyfish, or e-jelly, beLink -- (whirring noise) -- which cause it was designed to imitate the you can probably just barely hear bioluminescent display of the comhere, uses electric thrusters -- very, mon deep sea jellyfish Atolla.

Now, this pinwheel of light that very quiet. The Tiburon also uses electric powered thrusters. It’s the Atolla produces is known as a also pretty quiet, but a bit noisier. bioluminescent burglar alarm and (Louder whirring noise) But most is a form of defense. The reason deep-diving ROVs these days use that the electronic jellyfish worked hydraulicsand they sound like the as a lure is not because giant squid Ventana. (Loud beeping noise) I eat jellyfish, but it’s because this think that’s got to be scaring a lot jellyfish only resorts to producing of animals away.

So for the What really wowed me about deep sea squid hunt, I that was the way it came in up over proposed the e-jelly and then attacked the using an optical lure atenormous thing next to it, which tached to a I think it mistook for the predator camera platform with on the e-jelly. no thrusters, no mo-Edith Widder tors, just a batterypowered camera, and the only illumination this light when it’s being chewed coming from red light that’s invis- on by a predator and its only hope ible to most deep-sea animals that for escape may be to attract the are adapted to see primarily attention of a larger predator that blue. That’s visible to our eye, but will attack its attacker and thereit’s the equivalent of infrared in the by afford it an opportunity for deep sea. So this camera platform, escape. It’s a scream for help, a which we called the Medusa, could last-ditch attempt for escape, and just be thrown off the back of the a common form of defense in the ship, attached to a float at the sur- deep sea.

The approach worked. Whereas face with over 2,000 feet of line, it would just float around passively all previous expeditions had failed carried by the currents, and the to garner a single video glimpse only light visible to the animals in of the giant, we managed six, and the deep would be the blue light the first triggered wild excitement.

Edith Widder (on video): Oh my of the optical lure, which we called

The blue light of the optical lure, which we called the electronic jellyfish, or e-jelly, because it was designed to imitate the bioluminescent display of the common deep sea jellyfish Atolla.

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If you want to get away from it all and see something you’ve never seen,or have an excellent chance of seeing something that no one’s ever seen, get in a sub.

-Mike deGruy God. Oh my God! Are you kidding me? Other scientists: Oh ho ho!

That’s just hanging there.

What really wowed me about that was the way it came in up over the e-jelly and then attacked the enormous thing next to it, which I think it mistook for the predator on the e-jelly.

But even more incredible was the footage shot from the Triton submersible. What was not mentioned in the Discovery documentary was that the bait squid that Dr. Kubodera used, a one-meter long diamondback squid had a light attached to it, a squid jig of the type that longline fishermen use, and I think it was this light that brought the giant in.

Now, what you’re seeing is the intensified camera’s view under red light, and that’s all Dr. Kubodera could see when the giant comes in here. And then he got so excited, he turned on his flashlight because he wanted to see better, and the giant didn’t run away, so he risked turning on the white lights on the submersible, bringing a creature of legend from the misty history into high-resolution video. It was absolutely breathtaking, and had this animal had its feeding tentacles intact and fully extended, it would have been as tall as a twostory house.

How could something that big live in our ocean and yet remain unfilmed until now? We’ve

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only explored about five percent of our ocean. There are great discoveries yet to be made down there, fantastic creatures representing millions of years of evolution and possibly bioactive compounds that could benefit us in ways that we can’t even yet imagine. Yet we have spent only a tiny fraction of the money on ocean exploration that we’ve spent on space exploration. We need a NASA-like organization for ocean exploration, because we need to be exploring and protecting our life support systems here on Earth.

We need — thank you.

Exploration is the engine that drives innovation. Innovation drives economic growth. So let’s all go exploring, but let’s do it in a way that doesn’t scare the animals away, or, as Mike deGruy once said, “If you want to get away from it all and see something you’ve never seen,or have an excellent chance of seeing something that no one’s ever seen, get in a sub.” He should have been with us for this adventure. We miss him.

SEA INVASION

16 The More You Know – Penguins 18 Starfish Spotlight – CuddleBuddies

Image By: James Watt

Coral Reefs may be a beautiful collection of aquatic life, but in reality it is the training ground for the fish gangsters. They swim around in “schools” or crews and hide from the big gangster fish that want to take over their home if they don’t sacrifice their young.

Let’s hope that they don’t rise so that the fish gangsters don’t rise against the humans next.

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Penguins are adorable flightless birds that live in the southern hemisphere of the Earth. Incidentally, their level of cuteness is directly proportional to their drive to systematically annihilate humans.

THE MORE YOU KNOW

Penguin Origins and Evolution Penguins are ancient creatures and fossil evidence has been found that suggests they grew up to the size of humans during prehistoric times.

This would have allowed them to tame and ride several species of dinosaurs. Did penguins have dinosaur rodeos? Scientists can’t offer any conclusive proof, but point out that there wasn’t much else to do with dinosaurs back in those days. It is possible that exhaustion from these events eventually led to the extinction of dinosaurs.

A few millennia later penguins apparently developed technology that allowed them to control the weather. While experimenting they triggered the first ice age, dropping temperatures around the globe to a level better enjoyed by penguins. This also undoubtedly introduced a new pastime where they would shine a bright light at another animal causing it to stare, mesmerized as a glacier slowly encased it in ice.

As humanity evolved it is likely penguins purposely reduced their own size through genetic engineering in order to better lull us into a false sense of superiority. Another evolutionary change took place when penguins traded their ability to fly for swimming proficiency. It is theorized they did this to better differentiate themselves from other birds, much like how some humans get tribal tattoos or pop their collars. However, unlike humans this change is actually useful in navigating their environment.

On land, penguins travel with short, waddling movements. This behavior appears comical, however during this time penguins are relaxing by solving mental puzzles like four dimensional sodoku and curing cancer. Occasionally they display their true grace by flopping down onto their bellies and sliding along frozen surfaces with an attitude that seems to say “I’m super

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David C. Schultz // Penguins in Antartica

Penguins

intelligent AND my body serves as a sled, punk!”

Penguin Habitats Penguins primarily live in the Antarctic region, a name which would translate roughly to The Great Penguin Command Center if those bothering to translate it didn’t immediately suffer an untimely and terribly painful death by pecking.

Over the years penguins have established numerous monitoring stations located throughout the world. They have carefully disguised these stations too look like zoos and they live within controlled environments watching humans.Penguins have come to the primary conclusion that enclosing an animal in glass will cause a human stop what they are doing and tap on that glass until the animal responds. They have used this knowledge to create distractions when carrying out some of their more dastardly plans.

In the wild penguins Just The Facts have no natural predators.

1. A penguin normally However, they have crafteats fish, krill and other ily designed submersible small crustaceans found vehicles to look like killer in the ocean. However, whales, which they can they prefer to feed on a enter through the mouth in staged ‘attacks’. Pensteady diet of the manguins use these vehicles kind’s fears. to transport themselves 2.Penguins typically over long distances and have a black and white occasionally star in heartcoloring that some warming family movies. people think resembles Though they are cute a tuxedo. These same looking they are slowly people generally believe plotting world dominathat small dogs are best tion, some say that kept in handbags and global warming may be that geckos can talk. a creation of the penguins. Better watch out 3.Penguins would what you bring around hate you if it wasn’t for penguins because they their belief that inferior might steal it and use it life forms aren’t worth against us humans in the expending the coming years. emotional energy.

CUTTLEBUDDIES MAX FIGHTERJET

THIS ISSUE’S STARFISH SPOTLIGHT IS ON THE CUTTLEFISH (SEPIA OFFICINALIS).

STARFISH SPOTLIGHT

Sarah Howard // Cuttlefish at the Aquarium of Western Australia.

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Cuttlefish are close relatives to octopuses and squid, although they cannot interbreed due to that being seriously gross (legal in Alabama.)

They’ve been around for over 500 million years and are descendants of Shelled Cephalopods but have evolved in a more Cthulhu shaped body, for two main reasons: 1.To take advantage of their newly evolved camouflage.

2.To convince small children that H.P Love craft novels are based in reality.

A Cuttlefish’s skin contains over twenty million chromatophores, cells of pigment attached to small muscles. By gently flexing these muscles they can change color, pattern, reverse the polarity of light waves and other big sciency words, which serves a handy defense when dealing with their natural predators: underwater racists. It also can change its body pattern to

emulate basically any type of rock; from sharp rocks, to dull rocks, and even slightly duller rocks! Their ability to change their body pattern isn’t used just for rock look-a-alike competitions; it’s also used to disguise their gender Mrs. Doubtfire style. If a female has already been claimed by a large male, a smaller male may pretend to be a female and will begin to mate while the larger male presumably thinks that his mate is a lesbian having no idea that the plot of a cephalopod remake of the movie White Chicks is going on under his nose (but with kinky cross dressing cuttlefish mating.)

Each cuttlefish has a pair of undulating fins that span the length of their body and provide propulsion and maneuvering. For any emergency maneuvers it shoots bodily fluids out of its gut to escape, a trait not understood by humans until the creation of the Taco Bell Fourth meal.

In the middle of its eight forward reaching tentacles it sports a beak, which it uses to crack open mollusks, crabs, and the craniums of god-fearing Americans. Cuttlefish also have two longer tentacles, with a suction cup at the tip to aid in walking and grasping their red-blooded victims.

Scientists did not understand the use of these tentacles until the plans for their upcoming invasion were discovered during an underwater drug bust.

Growing up in the Detroit of the Sea, Cuttlefish have a very short life span and may only live one or two years. Due to their fast growth rates they spend 95 percent of their time resting, also due in part to them being cephalopods and not having real jobs. Cuttlefish also have an internal structure called a cuttlebone, and contrary to popular belief it is not used for cuddling or boning, it is used to maintain buoyancy. It does so through regulating the amount of gas or liquid, and are often collected on the beach and sold a calcium supplement treat for parakeets, toucans, and three cans.

Unlike their Octopus brethren their “ink” is disgustingly brown, which they squirt to gross out predators when threatened. It was valued by the Greek and Roman empires for its particular pigmentation; its similarity to the color of poop makes it a common gift for internet writers and dogs. Humans have long used this color in art, and the color sepia takes its origin from the cuttlefish species name: Sepia officinalis. The word cuttle comes from an Old Norse word meaning cushion and a Middle Low German word Küdel word meaning sac, or scrotum causing the name to be literally translated as Cushionscrotumfish.

Cushionscrotumfish generally live in shallow reefs but will move far away into unknown territories like channels to escape from over-expectant parents and ex-cuttlebuddies. They are suspiciously absent from the Americas, presumably because the loud sound of freedom ringing. There are over 120 unique species, and are caught for food all across the world. In Portugal, cuttlefish is present in many popular dishes, the taste being remarkably similar to chicken, tuna, and bat (the chickens of the land, seas, and cave respectively.) Like its cousins, octopuses and squid, they naturally produce neurotoxins by

way of bacteria in their saliva, when asked why they produce neurotoxin Cuttlefish respond one of two ways, either by swimming away or claiming that “gangsta rap made me do it”. Puzzled honky scientists were no closer to understanding why until famed poet and scholar Ice Cube recorded an informative song about neurotoxin called “Gangsta Rap made me do it.” This neurotoxin has been confirmed to be as lethal as that of that of their main rival the blue ringed octopus: a rival gang-affiliated species that often participates in underground dance battles with Cuttlefish over territory and available food sources. Several studies of these underground stomping -Ice Cube grounds have confirmed that cuttlefish stomp the octopus’s yard at a 3:1 ratio. Cuttlefish are also indeterminate growers, meaning that the only limiting factor for growth is food availability and life span. In theory if a cuttlefish could survive to the age of 100 it could grow gargantuan sizes, this was proved by the documentary Cloverfield (2008). Cuttlefish also have one of the largest brain-to-body size ratios of invertebrates, and have been proven to grasp complicated concepts and solve difficult puzzles like bra straps, the general theory of relativity and what the last P in O.P.P stands for.

The author welcomes the new cuttlefish overlord and hopes you will too.

Gangsta Rap made me do it

Thomas P. Peschak Pharaoh cuttlefish releases a cloud of ink stabbed by a diver in the nature reserve islands Dime, near the Omani capital Muscat.

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My Easy Maki Sushi

TRY IT OUT

Lucas was requesting me to make sushi for him since I have quite long did not make his favourite sushi at home. Today I make this easy maki sushi for his bento lunch.

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Ingredients To Assemble Sushi 2 cups of uncooked sushi rice 1. Cover the bamboo rolling mat 3 cups of water (I use the same rice with cling film. cup to measure) 2. Prepare a bowl of drinking water as to 4tbsp Japanese vinegar wet your hands so the rice won’t stick 2tbsp fine granulated sugar to your hands.

1/2tsp salt 3. Place one sheet of nori seaweed on Nori seaweed a bamboo rolling mat - make sure the Crabsticks ( cook in microwave shiny side is facing down. Cover the oven on high for 1min or steam it) seaweed with prepared sushi rice Japanese cucumbers (don’t stuff too much on, time to time Japanese mayonnaise wet your hands with water) - leave 1/2 inch of the seaweed bare To Make Sushi Rice at the bottom.

1. Wash the rice and rinse thoroughly.

4. Place crabsticks, cucumber and 2. Place rice and water in a rice spread mayonnaise length-ways on the cooker and set until cooked. rice and place closest to you.

3. Meanwhile, mix together the rice 5. Using the bamboo rolling mat, begin vinegar, sugar and salt in a small to tightly roll the sushi into log style. mixing bowl, stir to mix well.

Start at the side nearest to you, and 4. Put the cooked rice into a large roll away from you. When the sushi is mixing bowl or use the same rice completely rolled, use the rolling mat cooker, pour the vinegar sauce to squeeze the sushi so it does not over the hot rice and fold it well unroll when you are trying to cut it. (do not stir but just gently fold) .

6. Using a very sharp knife, wet the knife Allow to cool slightly before start with water, slice according to the thickmaking sushi roll. ness you like your sushi.

nasilemaklover via blogspot.com - Maki Sushi

Recipe source:

by Sonia aka Nasi Lemak Lover

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