Cruising

g n i s i Cru you for the sex

want

Do you find it difficult to approach men you fancy? If so, you’re not alone. For lots of gay men, making the first move is scary – whether it’s in a bar, club, sauna or a public place. Sometimes men end up having sex with guys they don’t really fancy – or having sex which isn’t as safe as they’d like. If you sometimes find it difficult to pick up men, or you end up having sex you don’t want, then this booklet is for you. We’ve included lots of tips on how to boost your confidence and develop your cruising skills. Staying safe and in control is important, so you’ll find plenty of advice on talking about safer sex, asking for the sex you want, and saying no to the sex you don’t want. We’ve also included some comments from other guys about their experiences of cruising, some of which might be similar to yours.

Contenuts after?

4 What are yo ve 8 Making the first mo e? typ ur yo s 20 Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; 24 Cruising online 32 Personal safety 40 Drink and drugs 46 Help and support

What are you after? For lots of men, cruising for sex is not always easy.

“I used to pick up in clubs quite frequently but now it’s quite rare. I find it’s quicker and easier just to go to a sauna, but the trouble is I’ve usually had too much to drink by that point. Using condoms isn’t a problem but it does mean I tend to have rubbish sex with people I don’t really fancy.” If you’ve been in a similar situation, it may help to think about the sex you want. Chances are, cruising for sex will be a lot more fun and successful if you’re clear about what you are after, where you are going to find it, and what your limits are. Start by asking yourself:

➜ What kind of sex do I want and what won’t I do?

➜ How will I let guys I have sex ➜ ➜

with know what I’m into – and what I don’t like? How will I let him know I want to use a condom? What will I do if it seems easier to go through with sex I don’t want rather than say no?

If you’re clear about your limits, it’ll be a lot easier to stick to them in the heat of the moment. And that includes sticking to safer sex.

“I was in the sauna at the end of a night out and a guy I met tried very hard to persuade me to fuck him without a condom, even after I’d made it very clear I didn’t want to have unprotected sex. That was basically the end of the encounter – I said I was going to get some condoms and lube anyway, and when I got back to the cubicle he’d gone. It didn’t matter as far as I was concerned. I met another guy almost straight away, who didn’t have a problem about having safer sex. I wouldn’t let a casual partner tie me up or fist me, because I’m not into those things, and the same goes for fucking without condoms.”

Do you have lots of casual sex? Casual sex can be great – as long as you’re doing it safely and you enjoy it. Some men think it’s easy to find sex on the gay scene. It may be easy to find sex, but is it sex you enjoy with a guy you really fancy? Even when you use condoms, having fewer partners can reduce the chance of getting or passing on HIV. Not everyone on the gay scene is after casual sex. However, if you do have sex with lots of guys, know how to protect yourself and your sex partners. Men who have lots of partners tend to take more risks.

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Check your kit. Remember to take condoms and lube with you if you go out cruising. They may not always be available at the venue or in a public place. If you meet someone from the internet, don’t rely on him to have them.

It is possible to have lots of partners and stay safe. You need to know how to protect yourself and take responsibility for the sex you have. If you have casual sex – whether it’s with a few partners or lots of partners - always using condoms if you fuck is the most reliable way to prevent the transmission of HIV.

“I’ve become really bored of casual sex and I think I’m really after something more now. But when I have sex with someone, more often than not, I don’t see them again. I think they see me as a fun time rather than someone worthy of having some sort of a relationship with. I know lots of couples that started out as a one-night stand, so why not me?” If you’re having sex for the wrong reasons, it can make you feel crap about yourself. Be honest with yourself about what you want. If you spend time in saunas and backrooms but you’re really after a bit of romance, you’re better off looking somewhere else. If someone doesn’t want to see you again after a one-night stand, don’t take it personally. Maybe they just wanted sex rather than a relationship.

e h t g n i k a M e v o m t s r fi Successful cruising is down to one key ingredient – confidence. Watch those guys who seem to have no problem walking up to strangers in bars. They appear comfortable and unafraid. This is what confidence is all about.

in a small ger I used to live “When I was youn My only anyone gay at all. town. I didn’t know for sex. s wa ting gay people experience of mee ended I d an st went cruising I was 17 when I fir was d an ed ld who smok up with a 38-year-o ion to ct tra at al I had no sexu . ht ig we er ov ry ve with him I had to have sex him but I felt that ink the talking to him. I th because I started lots of gay th cruising is that major problem wi y confidence. men don’t have an sing so ce involved in crui “There is no roman rrible te el fe sex and then people meet, have uations sit in en after. I’ve be about themselves , em th ed lik ne, really where I met someo n tio sa er nv co strike up a had sex, tried to is sort Th d. re no ig ly al s virtu afterwards and wa ich , wh ople’s confidence of thing lowers pe the other se ea pl to e’ or m ‘do can lead them to ” x. unprotected se person, like having

The good news is that confidence is not something you’re born with – it can be learnt, and we’ve got some tips that will help.

➜ Notice when things go well

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for you – whether it’s in your work, your social life or in relationships. Remember that confidence can be learnt. It’s not something that you are born with, so you can learn to be confident in any situation you are worried about. See our Help and Support section at the back of this booklet for details of services that can help you with this. You have the right to say no or turn someone down, just as others can with you – so don’t take rejection personally. Use any knock-backs or rejections as learning experiences. They can help you treat others as you like to be treated.

Starting a conversation “Do people cruise in bars any more? I’m usually out with friends an d I don’t really se e other guys cruising. With Ga ydar and Grindr, it’s probably all changing so ev en if I did want to pick up in a bar, I’m not sure how successful I’d be.” Bars and clubs are still the most common places for men to meet other men for sex. However, speaking to someone you fancy and who you’ve never met before can be difficult. The thrill of meeting someone in person can be well worth the effort!

r or club (or “Cruising in a ba arket) is so street or superm an doing it much better th much as As . electronically hope you’ll or k in you might th with someone have chemistry e or on your you meet onlin compares to mobile, nothing e you feel the all-over tingl nnect with co when your eyes s in a ile sm someone who ean one m ly on way that can t to say you thing… That’s no fun online, can’t find lots of ly ever find but you can on al chemistry out if there’s re d another between you an meet him in man when you person.”

We’ve put together some tips that can help. Nobody is going to be offended by a friendly approach, so try to relax, take a deep breath and go for it.

➜ Make eye contact and smile. If he keeps eye

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contact with you and smiles back, that’s your cue to go and talk to him! If not, this may not be the right time. Say “hello”. Someone has to make the first move, so why not you? Talk about something you can both relate to. It’s a great way to break the ice, but don’t make it too personal. The weather, sports, TV and films, or the place you are in are all safe bets. Tell him your name. If you do, he’ll probably tell you his. Ask him a question. Most of us like talking about ourselves. Ask about him to show you’re interested – maybe his work or any hobbies. Listen to what he says. Respond to what he says and ask more questions to show you’re paying attention. Hopefully he’ll ask you questions as well, and before you know it, you’ll be chatting away!

It’s not all about talking though. Body language makes up a big part of the messages we give out. This is true when we’re cruising as well. A lot of how we communicate with other guys is non-verbal – particularly in places where there’s not much talking like a cruising ground, a sauna or a sex venue.

Body language tips: ➜ Think about how you will show someone if you’re ➜ ➜

interested or not. Be polite yet firm if you are turning someone down. Pay attention to how you stand. If you stand up straight and keep your chin up, you will look and feel more confident. Being tactile is a good way to show interest. If you’re talking with someone and it’s going well, try touching their arm briefly. If it makes him uncomfortable, back off a bit.

Dealing with rejection Ask yourself – what is my biggest fear about approaching someone? The answer for most of us is being rejected, not getting what we want, or being criticised.

“When I was youn g and new to the scene it was a matter of pride to me that I never approached anyo ne. I always expe cted the other person to m ake the first mov e. Well I say it was pride, but actually it wa s a fear of rejection. It work ed OK for a bit bu t when I got over myself an d decided that it was OK to approach peop le, and it was OK if I was rejected, I found that I ended up be ing with people that I liked much more often. I just wish I’d had that confid ence earlier.”

It’s comforting to remind ourselves that we can’t be attractive to everyone, and everyone can’t be attractive to us. Even the hottest guy in the bar is not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. So, we’re going to face rejection at some point when we’re after sex. Rejection can dent our confidence, so it’s worth learning some ways to deal with it:

➜ It’s not the end of the world. Just because

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it wasn’t successful with him it doesn’t mean it won’t be successful with someone else. Try not to take it personally. Instead of trying to figure out what is wrong with you, understand that everyone can’t be attractive (or attracted) to everyone else. Turn rejection into acceptance. Don’t try to change yourself just to impress someone – someone else will accept you as the person you are and will feel the same way about you that you feel about them. Learn and move on. Think about how you were rejected, and how that may influence how you reject other men. If the rejection was meant to offend, then think about how you feel hearing those things. If the rejection was honest and polite then it’s a great example of what to do.

the “When I’m out on ly al scene, I find it re e m so annoying how ke ta guys just can’t no for an answer, not just in saunas d but even in bars an n ca u yo e er wh clubs no y very explicitly sa e u’r yo ne eo m so to ed st just not intere in. Often I don’t go out to pull in a nightclub – I just enjoy going out r with my mates fo od go a d an k in a dr time. I think there’s at an assumption th a t ge if you don’t shag at the end of the night then it g wasn’t worth goin t ou go n’t do I out. rn to purposefully tu st guys down – I ju w enjoy meeting ne ng vi ha people and a large circle of friends.”

You’ve probably rejected someone in the past. Did you mean to be nasty? Probably not, so keep that in mind when others reject you.

‘No’ means ‘no’ This might sound obvious, but you can never remind yourself too much about this one. You have the right to say no to anything you don’t want to do, and you also have the responsibility to respect others if they say no. This covers everything from “No, I don’t want to have sex with you” and “No, I don’t want to fuck” to “No, I’d rather not give out my phone number”. You have the right to stop if something is not working for you. Be polite, but don’t think you have to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. You also have the responsibility to stop if someone asks you to. There’s nothing wrong with stopping sex that’s not working for you, rather than carrying on and feeling crap afterwards, or taking risks you later regret. If you don’t want to do something, make it clear and say “no”. Don’t assume they’ll pick up on signals.

“How long had yo u known him when you fucked without a condom? A few hours. And he fucked yo u? Yes. And did he cum in side you? Yes, and actually I was shocked when he fucked me without a cond om and I mentioned it. Well I didn’t mention it actually, I just pu lled a face, you know like a shocked face bu t actually I didn’t really stop him I guess, becaus e he kept on doing it. I didn’t see him putting a co ndom on or anything. Did he seem conc erned at all? Not at all, he didn’t , that was what co ncerned me the most. Since I didn’t really know him and if he’s not conc erned at all about fucking people without co ndoms he might do it quite often. I mean the ne xt day I felt worried really because actually I didn’t know him at all. I had no idea [of his stat us] really. I think he was negative. I still belie ve that positive pe ople normally say it upfro nt.” Extract from an in terview

photo ÂŠ mikekear.com

Not right now? when I me friends in Soho “I was out with so and he seemed t guy on his own spotted a really ho and finally e . I caught his ey to be eyeing me up m. We got hi courage to talk to mustered up the me drinks so ht ug d he even bo an ll we ly al re g alon didn’t want ed when he said he ris rp su ly al re s wa I d of the night. with me at the en to go back home ed I wasn’t a maybe he reckon I got a bit down as r and we’ve ve him my numbe match for him. I ga glad I’m taking t. I’m actually quite been texting a lo I’m enjoying as guy for a change it slowly with this mounting ’s at th the tension lly cia pe es e, as the ch between us now.” If you both fancy each other, there are lots of reasons why either of you might want to decline or put off having sex. Some men want to see a guy a few times before having sex. If that’s not what you’re looking for, be honest and tell him. Or it might be that one of you is too drunk or wants to spend the rest of the evening with mates. Whatever the reason, don’t feel pressured to have sex straight away if you don’t want to.

To fuck or not to fuck? Lots of men prefer not to fuck or get fucked when having casual sex. Some men don’t do it at all and would rather stick to wanking or sucking cock. Not fucking is a good way to help prevent getting or passing on HIV and other STIs. If you do fuck, always use a condom with casual partners.

What’s ? e p y t r u yo Men come in all shapes and sizes. If we all fancied the same type of guy, things would be a bit boring. Thankfully, there’s a whole range of tastes out there, so there really is something for everyone.

Whatever ‘type’ you fancy, there’ll be plenty of men who tick that box for you. That also means that whatever ‘type’ you are, there will be guys who fancy you too. That doesn’t mean we should all fit a stereotype to be fancied. Sure, lots of men like bears, or twinks, or leather daddies, or skins… and maybe you fit one of these types. But lots of men also like men who are skinny, or chubby, or who have big noses, or blue eyes, or who are bald, or have long hair… the list goes on. Quite often, when rejection happens, it’s just about physical type. So if you got turned down when cruising someone, maybe you just weren’t his type at that moment. Move on and remember that that isn’t the case with all men.

Are you making assumptions? “I know I need to use condoms to stay HIVdo. negative but I’ve never found it easy to to sex stop to have to It’s all a bit awkward have just now I So on. one find them or put away sex with other HIV-negative men. I keep ng picki or as saun to stick and s club from sex suss guys up in bars and I generally try to idea them out first – I reckon I’ve got a good is a who and now of who I can have sex with bit of risk.” “I’ve been diagnosed HIV-positive for five years and I stuck with using condoms for a while afterwards. But there’s not really any poin t now. If I have sex with someone who’s nega tive, they’re going to tell me to use a condom.” Some men think they’re being safe by only having sex with men they believe have the same HIV status. If you do this and you’re HIV-negative, you’re not going the right way about staying HIVnegative. If you’re HIV-positive, you risk passing on the virus to someone else. If we’re cruising for sex, chances are we’re not going to know the HIV status of the guy we pick up. If we think we know their status, we’re probably guessing. The truth is, we can’t be sure of a guy’s HIV status just because he looks or behaves a certain way.

Most HIV-negative men believe that if someone is willing to have unprotected sex with them, they will also be HIV-negative. However, many HIV-positive men believe that if someone is willing to have unprotected sex with them, it’s because they are HIV-positive too. If a guy you have sex with doesn’t mention HIV, it doesn’t mean that he has the same HIV status as you. It just means he’s chosen not to talk about it. Around one in seven gay men on the London gay scene has HIV. However, lots of men with HIV choose not to disclose their status to casual partners. This can be for lots of different reasons. The same goes for HIV-negative men. When was the last time a guy you picked up told you that he was HIV-negative? Even if he says he is HIV-negative, remember that some men have HIV but don’t realise it. At least one in four men with HIV in the UK is not aware they have it. Guessing other people’s status is not going to prevent the spread of HIV. Using condoms if you fuck will.

Cruising online After bars and clubs, online is the most popular place for gay men to meet each other for sex. But cruising online can be a bit of a mystery if we’re new to it – and even if we’ve been doing it for a while. How men behave and ‘pick up’ can be very different from how it’s done in bars, clubs or wherever we might meet in person. We’ve heard from various gay men about what they look for in a profile and what puts them off. There really isn’t one rule for everyone…

“I don’t bother messaging guys who say that if they don’t respond to a message they’re not interested. If they get so many messages that they can’t reply to all of them, they don’t need a message from me.”

reply to messages “Some people don’t d. They say if they’re not intereste had grief about it’s because they’ve lied in the it when they have rep meone and they past. If I message so sted, that’s say they’re not intere me – I write back absolutely fine with for letting me ks something like ‘than at.” th at it know’ and leave “We’ve all seen prof iles where all the pictures are capt ioned ‘not me, but what I like’ or where all the pictures are of mode ls or porn stars, and the implication is that they’re pictures of the profile owner. I treat profiles like that that same way I treat profiles withou t photos – I just ignore them.”

to ask me what I’m “If a guy messages me there on my profile. into, I just say it’s all ys who ask questions In my experience, gu already on your where the answers are g for a cyberwank. It’s profile are just lookin t for clarification abou different if they ask ofile.” something on your pr

“I think it’s fine for people to have more than one profile online – perhaps one is set up for dates and the prospect of a relationship, and another is set up for casual sex in the meantime. If a guy has two profiles that are very similar in content, that’s a bit of a red flag for me – it makes me wonder if he’s a timewaster who needs to change his profile once everyone gets wise to him.”

Whatever you expect from guys online – whether they must show a picture of their face or cock, be willing to travel – just remember that not everyone will have the same rules.

What’s in a profile? “When I first set up an online profile, I was lot of disappointed that I was getting quite a ’t fancy, didn I guys from ly main attention that was into. I or who were looking for sex that I’m not t the updated my profile, making it clearer abou into. I’m sex sort of guys I fancy, and the sort of ing a show me, of I also added some more photos of more ges, chan the bit more skin. After making d este inter was I guys the attention I got was from guys r othe with act cont ting in. I also started initia making – loads of guys seem to be uncomfortable guys I e som while that d foun I and e the first mov ks’, than messaged either didn’t reply, or said ‘no in d este there were some guys who were inter e now, and meeting up. I’m spending less time onlin sex.” hot more time meeting guys for Your profile is a really handy tool. It can tell men a lot about you and what you’re after. The more information you have in your profile, the more likely you are to attract the sort of person you are looking for. Keep the information clear and accurate so it’s less likely for guys to get the wrong impression. In some ways it is easy to control the sex you have when you meet online as you can say upfront what you are looking for, what type of sex you are into and what your limits are.

“My online profiles ex plicitly state that I’m HIVnegative and that I’m not looking for bareb ack sex. I don’t think that I have been blocked by anyone because of it, but I’m sure it discour ages some men from messa ging me and that’s fin e by me. Lots of the men that do message me tell me that they like my up front approach, and I have never had anyone th at I have hooked up with try it on. With online cru ising it’s easy to get what you ask for, but you do have to ask.”

On some gay websites where guys meet for sex, you can say whether or not you have safer sex by choosing options such as ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘needs discussion’.

line is nefits of cruising on “One of the great be want and u yo at nt about wh that you can be upfro t the sort ou ab ific can be spec what you don’t. You ys you’re g for, the kind of gu of sex you’re lookin e-off, a u want something on into and whether yo ree-way. tial boyfriend or a th fuck buddy, a poten pic of to easier to raise the It also makes it much If a guy x. se I plan to meet for safer sex with guys n’t do I x’, under ‘Safer Se has ‘No’ on his profile l him tel I , me es he approach approach him, and if s.“ om nd co th fucking wi I’m only interested in

Clues in someone’s online profile are not enough to be sure of his HIV status. One guy might assume that if someone says ‘needs discussion’ in the safer sex option, then they are HIV-negative. Someone else might assume that they are HIV-positive.

one “I know that if some for safer ’ ys wa ‘al y sa doesn’t me. I sex they are not for so I don’t s always use condom where ion sit want to be in a po .” se ca my I have to argue

Fantasy or reality? “I had a really horny chat with a guy online and he started talking about fuckin g me. I’m mostly a top but I fo und the chat turned me on. Wh en we met, it became really awkward as he went to put a condom on himself. I found it rea lly difficult to say no as I’d kind of indicated I was up for it earlie r.”

Some men might say or do things online that they wouldn’t do in person. That doesn’t mean that everyone is out to lie or mislead on websites. Be aware that some online fantasies are just that – fantasies. Talking dirty can be great. Sometimes it’s foreplay for when you meet in person. Sometimes it’s just a fantasy that you want to talk about. If you’re clear with him about what is and isn’t a fantasy, you’re more likely to avoid any awkward situations when it comes to having sex.

Personal safety Most of the time, men cruise without getting into any trouble or difficult situations. However, it’s useful to be aware of ways to look after yourself – and other cruisers. Here are some suggestions. We’ve also included some tips for making your time cruising more enjoyable.

Saunas

➜ When you arrive, find out where the ➜ ➜

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venue staff are based – just in case you need them later. If it’s your first time at a venue, do a tour of the place first so you can see where everything is. Take your own condoms and lube. Most saunas provide them, but they may not or they may have run out. If you are going to get fucked try putting the condom on the guy yourself. Stay away from areas where you may get ‘trapped’ on your own. Set a time limit for how long you’ll

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stay there. Most places have a clock in reception or by the bar area. Check it regularly so you can keep to your time limit. Don’t use saunas if you are under the influence of drink or drugs as the heat as well as the drink or drugs can be hazardous to your health. Many saunas will not let you in if they think you are ‘under the influence’.

Sex clubs/backrooms ➜ It is safer to use places that have some ➜ ➜ ➜

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level of lighting. This also means you’ll be able to see who you’re having sex with. Be aware of where staff can be located if you want help with anything. Take condoms and lube with you. If you are going to get fucked try putting the condom on the guy yourself. If using a venue that has ‘sex equipment’ (slings etc), keep to the same safety rules that you would have elsewhere when using this equipment. Just because you go into a backroom, it doesn’t mean you’ve given permission for anyone to have sex with you. Gently pushing someone away is usually enough to tell them you’re not interested. Don’t be afraid to call for help if you need to.

Bars/clubs

➜ These are probably the

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least likely place for you to get physically abused by other guys when cruising. Check the location of exits and staff in case you need them. Take condoms and lube with you. Many bars stock free condoms but they may have run out. Also, you could end up going back to his place only to find out he’s just run out and thought you had some. Store condoms and lube at home as well, in case you take him back to your place. If you pick someone up and plan to go home together, introduce him to your friends before you leave the venue. If you’re not with friends, say goodbye to one of the bar staff or the person on the door.

Cruising grounds ➜ If you’re at a cruising ground that

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is new to you, walk around and check where the exits are when you get there. It’s safer to use a cruising ground that has some form of lighting so that you are able to see what is going on. Carry condoms and lube with you. Don’t rely on others carrying them. If you are going to get fucked try putting the condom on the guy yourself. Don’t carry or flash around lots of money, your latest iPod or phone, or a wallet full of credit cards. Using an iPod or ear phones can also stop you being aware of any signs of trouble there may be. They may also stop you being aware of a guy showing his interest too. Try not to be too far away from other people for too long – stay close to groups so there are people around if something does happen. Use and trust your gut instincts. If someone isn’t getting your message then say what you mean. Try to avoid confrontations. You may need to push someone away if

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they start something you are not interested in. Do it firmly without being aggressive. If you see someone else in trouble, try to help without risking your own safety – shout, attract the attention of others, or call the police. Give yourself a time limit and keep to it. Work out in advance how you’ll get home from the site.

Cruising grounds and cottaging – the law

If you go cruising in open public spaces, such as parks or lay-bys, you need to be aware of the law around sex in these areas. Here is some information from Galop, the LGBT organisation against hate crime. Visit their website at www.galop.org.uk for lots more useful information.

➜ There is no specific law against

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cruising. Sex in public places is not illegal as long as other people who might be offended cannot see you and are unaware that you are having sex. According to police guidelines, the police should only respond to complaints from the public and should not go to an area

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to proactively try to catch people cruising. However, there are times when the police may investigate an area, for example if there are reports of homophobic attacks or robberies. It is not against the law for people to loiter, engage in conversation or walk around a cruising ground with the purpose of meeting others. In other words, you cannot be arrested simply for going cruising. If you engage in sexual activity or behaviour that may cause alarm or distress to others, such as indecent exposure or voyeurism, you could be arrested or prosecuted under the Sexual Offences Act 2003 or the Public Order Act 1986. Therefore, it is advisable to be as discreet as possible to avoid attracting attention. For example, use secluded areas, and not anywhere you might be seen from a public road, path or houses, particularly during daylight hours. Remember to stay close to other cruisers though, in case of any trouble. If you feel that you have been unfairly treated by the police (or others) whilst cruising, you should contact Galop for more advice. You can call their helpline on 020 7704 2040 or report an incident at their website, www.galop.org.uk.

Cottaging is looking for or having sex in a toilet available for use by members of the public, including toilets in the street, shops, leisure centres and other public transport venues such as train stations. The Sexual Offences Act 2003 makes it illegal to procure or engage in sex in a public toilet and it is against the law for both gay and straight people. You can risk being arrested for cottaging regardless of whether you are being discreet or not. For example, having sex in a cubicle behind closed doors is still illegal.

Have you been the victim of a serious sexual offence?

If you get attacked, you should call 999. You can also report it to the Metropolitan Policeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Sapphire Unit. The Sapphire Unit specialises in investigating rape and sexual assault cases and they have LGBT officers should you wish to speak to them specifically. Officers are trained to both investigate and provide victims with support and care. They also provide information so you can make informed decisions on what the police service can do to help and they will explain all courses of actions that you can take. They can also offer access to medical professionals at dedicated sexual offence referral centres called The Havens. These provide sexual health screening and counselling services, should the client want them, and carry out examinations in support of police investigations, should the client request them. These are free and confidential services and the client can discuss medical confidentiality at all stages of the process. The identities of victims of serious sexual assaults remain anonymous throughout any potential court case and beyond. To contact your nearest Sapphire Unit in London, visit www.met.police.uk/sapphire. To contact The Havens, visit www.thehavens.org.uk. You can also get lots of information about how to report homophobic hate crimes at www.galop.org.uk.

Drink and drugs The gay scene is largely based around pubs and clubs, so it’s not surprising that alcohol and drugs play a large part in many gay men’s lives. Most of us drink alcohol. It can make us feel more relaxed, more sociable and loosen our inhibitions. Drug use can do the same.

rt ll often say at the sta “One of my friends wi is is th d’ en ek we ter last of a night out that ‘af ver, we Ho . him r fo ht iet nig just going to be a qu s ay d a few drinks, we alw by the time we’ve ha o’s wh meone he knows seem to bump into so en ere to get some. Wh got coke, or knows wh me so by d often get cruise we’re in a club, he’ll n tio ten at his by this time really hot guys, but es tri e on me so if nds, and span is about 30 seco y’s gu e th r be n’t remem to chat him up he wo says erest in anything he int ch mu ow name or sh he ry far. Nevertheless, – so it rarely goes ve one – ing home with some does often end up go tte are cig y he bummed a it might be the last gu ... been smoking off, as he’ll also have

...all night and will ine vitably have run out, or someone else seemingly at random who I’d ne ver have thought was his type . Under normal circumstances he’d av oid taking any risks, but he’s told me about at least two occasions when he accidentally fucked without cond oms. I can’t help thinking he’d be havin g much better and safer sex if he’d just cut down a bit on the drink and drug s.”

This is a familiar situation for lots of gay men – who’ve either seen friends get out of control or made mistakes while under the influence themselves. Both drugs and alcohol change the way we think and feel. With some drugs the effect is dramatic – like the high you get from ecstasy – and with others it can be less so. Even subtle effects from drugs or alcohol can alter your judgement, perceptions and the decisions you make. You may find that when you are drunk or off your face you do things you would not do when you are sober. This could include things like telling yourself that it’s OK to have unprotected sex with someone ‘just this once’. Also, you could be more likely to make assumptions about things such as whether the guy you have sex with has HIV. That’s why it’s important to plan for safer sex. If you intend to drink alcohol or take drugs when you go out, take condoms and lube with you, or know where to get them. This should help to increase your chances of using condoms when you need them. Carrying condoms and lube isn’t the only way you can plan for safer sex.

➜ Think about the kinds of sex you want and

➜

don’t want. If you know your sexual boundaries when you’re sober it will make you more likely to make the same choices when you’re not. Talk to your sexual partners about your limits. If you plan for this, it will make it easier to discuss things like using condoms if you are under the influence. Have an agreement with your mates to look out for each other. If you’re out in a group, you can spot if someone’s had a bit – or a lot – too much and you can then look after them. Stay informed about the drugs you take. Some drugs not only affect the way you think, they can also increase the risk of HIV transmission. Some research has found this to be the case with poppers and Viagra. Plus, if taken together, poppers and Viagra can be fatal.

You should also know that drugs such as coke, crystal meth or ecstasy may make you more vulnerable to infections, including HIV. Crystal meth can also lead to an increase in the level of viral load in HIV-positive men, which means that they will be more infectious. While some drugs may facilitate HIV transmission, drugs are not the cause of HIV. Whether you take drugs or not, always using condoms if you fuck is the most reliable way to prevent the spread of HIV.

If you find you are losing control of some areas of your life because of drinking or drug use, or if you have some concerns or just want more information, here are some places you can go for advice: Antidote offers information and support exclusively to the LGBT community around drugs and alcohol. Visit www.antidote-lgbt.com or email office@londonfriend.org.uk For basic drug information, you could also try www.dancesafe.org, www.talktofrank.com or http://drugfucked.tht.org.uk. For information and advice on the impact of alcohol, try www.alcoholconcern.org.uk or call Drinkline, the national alcohol helpline, on 0800 917 8282. For information on drugs and the law, along with lots of other advice, visit http://drugfucked.tht.org.uk.

Help and support There are many services in London that offer support to help you have safer sex. A full guide to services in London is available at: www.gmfa.org.uk/londonservices

Web Information about HIV and safer sex can be found at: www.gmfa.org.uk/sex

Helpline London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard: 020 7837 7324 THT Direct: 0845 12 21 200

One-to-one Free counselling, mentoring and health trainer services are provided by the GMI Partnership. For further information or to book appointments, call 020 8305 5002, email info@gmipartnership.org.uk or visit: www.gmipartnership.org.uk

Groupwork There are lots of different groups and courses in London offered by PACE, THT and GMFA. They are advertised regularly in the gay press or you can visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/gwk

Booklets Booklets offering sexual health information and advice can be picked up free from racks in gay venues around London. They can also be downloaded at: www.gmfa.org.uk/booklets

Magazine FS (the fit and sexy gay man’s health magazine) is full of information and advice about sex, relationships, drugs and HIV. It is available free in gay venues every other month.

Condoms You can get free condoms and lube in London from many gay bars, clubs and saunas. You can buy very good value condoms and lube online from: www.freedoms-shop.nhs.uk

© 2010 GMFA – the gay men’s health charity Charity number: 1076854. Company limited by guarantee: 2702133. The information in this booklet was correct on 1 December 2010. Design: Vortex Creative Ltd Additional photography: James Stafford All photographs posed by models. No inference can or should be made about their HIV or other infection status. GMFA projects are developed by positive and negative volunteers. To volunteer or donate, call 020 7738 6872 or go to: www.gmfa.org.uk/aboutgmfa This resource is funded by the Pan London HIV Prevention Programme.

Joel

Denis

Leon

James

Nelson

Chris

TogeTher we can sTop The spread of hIV It’s time for us all to stand up and be counted. Join us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/gmfa.uk to meet the guys who appear in the campaign and to ﬁnd out how you can be part of it.

supporT

the campaign and GMFA by making a donation. Visit www.gmfa.org.uk/donate.

GMFA, Unit 43 The Eurolink Centre, 49 Effra Road, London SW2 1BZ Charity number: 1076854