FS 159 - "The gay community is racist." - How do we change it?

FS THE GAY HEALTH AND LIFE MAG ISSUE #159 APR/MAY 2017

“THE GAY

COMMUNITY IS RACIST.” Why are HOW we soDO WE CHANGE IT? racist?

ALSO MEET THE WHITE GAY MEN WHO ARE RACIST. RACISM AND REIMAGINING QUEER BLACK MASCULINITIES. DEAR WHITE GAY MEN... I’M CALLING YOU OUT. 5 THINGS ASIAN GAY GUYS ARE SICK OF HEARING.

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Racism is not a question @liamwaterloo

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I contemplated the title of this issue for a long time. I considered making it a question: ‘Is the gay community racist?’.

The FS team for issue 158 was: • Liam Murphy - Editor • Ali • Chris Lei • Stuart Haggas • Otamere Guobadia • Seyi Matthews • Anthony Lorenzo • Maximus Crown.

Sticking a question on the front cover is usually a good way of enticing people to open the issue, however, in this case the question was redundant.

Design and layout by Ian Howley and Liam Murphy

Appearance in FS is not an indication of an individual’s sexual orientation or HIV status.

The views of our writers are not necessarily the views of FS, of the organisations mentioned, HERO or of the editor.

Volunteers contribute to the planning, writing, editing and production of FS.

As was pointed out to me by several friends and in particular Marc Thompson of BlackOut UK: the gay community IS racist.

LGBT people of colour live it every day, so asking the question, which has been asked so many times before (even in past issues of FS), is futile and actually a bit insulting to LGBT people of colour.

What we’ve tried to do with the main feature of this issue is not jask the question of “is the gay community is racist?”, but actually discuss the problems too.

We spoke to gay men of colour about their experiences, where the gay community fails them and what the gay community – and wider society – can do to make an effective and positive change.

Instead of just repeating the same old shocking stats (although they are included, shocking stats fans), we want to look to forward to see what really needs to change in the gay community to tackle racism and to make different ethnicities more visible within the gay community.

Whether we’ve achieved this, I’m sure you will tell us.

I also didn’t want this to be a token issue. The majority of writers and voices for this issue are gay men of colour but I don’t want that to end here.

I’m pledging to actively engage these writers for future issues and make different voices a part of the make-up of all future issues of FS. That said, if you want to contribute to FS or get more involved with GMFA in the future, get in touch with me and pitch your idea.

Liam Murphy, Editor, FS @liamwaterloo

www.fsmag.org.uk

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“THE GAY

COMMUNITY IS RACIST.” HOW DO WE STOP RACISM IN THE GAY COMMUNITY? Words by Stuart Haggas | Photos ©Shutterstock/

@GetStuart

COVER STORY

WARNING: some of content in this feature may be offensive to some. FS does not condone it but felt we needed to present the responses honestly.

Being a minority is sometimes like being in a slasher movie: just when you think the threat has passed, a crazed serial killer leaps out of nowhere and takes a bloodthirsty swipe at you. Lately it feels increasingly like the LGBT community is living on a knife-edge – not only in places like Russia or Egypt but also much closer to home.

In the United States, the Trump administration has begun implementing some of Donald Trump’s more extreme campaign promises, including withdrawing guidelines that relate to bathroom access for transgender students. And here in Britain, the Guardian newspaper reported that homophobic attacks in the UK rose 147% in the three months after last summer’s Brexit vote, based on findings by LGBT anti-violence charity Galop and on reports of hate crimes made to UK police.

For those who belong to more than one minority group, this threat can be multiplied. But the sad reality is that gay and bi men of colour who face homophobia and racism in the wider world can very often find themselves subjected to racism from within the gay community. In fact, in FS’s latest survey of over 850 readers, 75% of black guys, 81% of east and south-east Asian guys, and 86% of south Asian guys said they have personally experienced racism on Britain’s gay scene.

The question is: are we really that shocked to learn that Britain’s gay scene is so racist?

DOUBLE MINORITY “It is a microcosm of the wider society,” says Marc Thompson, co-editor of BlackOut UK and co-founder of Prepster.info, on racism in the gay community.

“We don’t live in this little bubble. World events impact us as gay men regardless of our ethnicity or nationality. We bring all of our prejudices into that world.

We remain sexist, we remain misogynistic.”

“Racism isn’t just a word, it’s an experience,” adds Vernal Scott, author, HIV activist, and local government diversity lead officer. “It scars to the very soul and carries an impact akin to the death of someone close; you will forever relive the time and place of its occurrence, especially how it made you feel, the hurt and damage to your dignity and self esteem. A white gay man cannot comprehend, or more importantly, feel the experience of being black and gay – and the ‘double minority’ status and discrimination that come with it.”

“Yes we have LGBT rights, but only for the white com-

munity,” acknowledges Manjinder Sidhu, LGBT activist, life coach, and author of Bollywood Gay. “The BAME (Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic) community are left alone dealing with the repercussions. I counsel so many who are suicidal, forced to marry someone of the opposite sex, or worse. It’s not about the white LGBT scene saying ‘that’s their issue, they’ve got to break free from it’. We need white LGBT allies.”

ALWAYS BEEN THERE Is the current political environment encouraging racism to come to the surface?

“The gay scene has always been disenfranchised, discriminatory, childish, confused, full of shame, guilt and addictions,” says Manjinder. “The bullied carry on bullying. Misogyny, sexism, racism, femaphobia, anti trans, etc, has been in the scene since before I was born, and they still exist.”

“Anybody who’s read the opening prologue in my book ‘God’s Other Children’ will know that racism in the UK gay community has always been there and always will

Photo Shutterstock/David Ryo www.alessandrocalza.com Photos©© Alessandro Cala

Photo by Chris Jepson © www.chrisjepson.com

“I rarely get

objectified as

an Asian man.

I mostly feel

ignored,”

be,” adds Vernal. “I don’t think the Brexit rhetoric makes any difference. Just log onto Grindr or catch white gay men when they are relaxed, and you’ll see and hear just how racist some of them can be. Trumpty Dumpty, as I call him, I suspect that he could be as racist as he likes, but most white gays here or in the USA wouldn’t give a damn, as long as they are OK.” “It’s a little bit of chicken and egg, did Trump and Brexit make people more overtly racist, or did they create a platform for people to put their racism out there?” Marc asks. “I think they go hand-in-hand. What this shows us is that racism is underlying in our community. It permeates in our society and in our institutions. What these things have done is given them a platform to be much more vocal.”

THE **** WORD When racism gets vocal, the result is a stream of expletives. The men we surveyed have been called a range of names by others on the gay scene including ‘nigger’, ‘coon’, ‘wog’, ‘monkey’, ‘black bitch’, ‘gollywog’, ‘halfchap’, ‘chocolate boy’, ‘chinky’, ‘takeaway’, ‘yellow monkey’, ‘paki’, ‘curry queen’ and ‘towelhead’.

“I’ve been called a ‘slave coon’ before by someone who was into raceplay. It was genuinely a random first message he sent to me like it was so normal and acceptable,” says Marcus, 28 from London.

“It is very common to be called a ‘fucking paki’ by young white men,” says AP, 40 from London. “They think that this is funny, and if you confront them they say it’s just a joke. Also they think that saying ‘here paki suck my white cock’ is appropriate too.”

COVER STORY

preferences, but these preferences are built on some sort of ideology that says differences are wrong.”

Some of the guys from our survey detailed some of the day-to-day incidences of racist language they experience.

“Every other comment towards me is a variation of ‘I wanna see if it’s true what they say about black dick’ or dark chocolate or black meat,” says Michael, 20 from Hertfordshire. “The black dick comment is offensive no matter how lighthearted or funny you think it is. It’s setting an expectation upfront which is demeaning.”

“People assume that my dick is down to my ankles when it’s actually seven inches. I’m happy with my penis, but these stereotypes make me feel sad,” says Kevin 21 from London. “I get comments like ‘honest to God, man, when I see a black guy I start to precum’. I get comments like this, and they’re not jokes.”

“I am either a sexual fetish to other guys or they completely ignore me, there’s not much in between,” says Balwinder, 36 from London. “Some guys ask if they can touch my turban or beard, saying it turns them on.”

“I rarely get objectified as an Asian man. I mostly feel ignored,” says Raymond, 25 from London. “Men think I don’t speak English, and assume I’m the submissive bottom.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m fulfilling someone’s sexual fetish. They really like “It is very ‘asian’ guys, they like my dark common to be features,” says James, 25 from called a ‘fucking Leicester. “Someone even assumed paki’ by young white I’d give really good Indian head massage.”

men,” says AP, 40 from London.

DAILY LANGUAGE Ironically, when it comes to racism, the most extreme language is sometimes the easiest to handle.

“You know exactly where you are with someone who calls you a ‘black bastard’ or a ‘nigger’, but it’s the things that impact you on a daily basis,” Marc explains.

“For many, racism is ‘Wogs Get Out’ or ‘No Pakis Here’ scrawled on a wall. They don’t see that racism is in daily language: someone saying they like BBC (big black cock) or ‘no blacks’ etc, on an app profile. These are

“I have had guys say to me ‘OMG I love Bollywood films’ or ‘I’ve got a thing for darker skin/hair/eyes’ and although I haven’t been particularly offended by these comments, it did make me feel like a ‘thing’ and less of a person,” admits Jimmy, 29 from London.

“Oh and I hooked up with a guy and he said ‘I’ve never done an Asian before, I thought you’d smell of curry.’”

APP PREFERENCES The place where those surveyed say they face the most racism is on gay apps and websites. This can include receiving abusive and racist messages, www.fsmag.org.uk

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WE ASKED: Have you experienced racism on the gay scene?

• 75% of black gay men said yes • 81% of South East and East Asian gay men said yes • 86% of South Asian gay men said yes • 100% of Arab gay men said yes • 30% of Latin American gay men said yes

Photo © Shutterstock/Zdenka Darula

• 78% of gay men of mixed ethnicity said yes

being blocked or ignored, or seeing phrases like ‘no blacks, no Asians – I’m not racist, it’s just my preference’ in profile descriptions.

Grindr have recently introduced a range of emojis – some see them as fun tools for chatting, flirting and expressing sexual appetites, but these colourful graphics can equally be used as yet another way to communicate racist opinions.

Marcus, 28, a respondent to our survey explained: “I only really get guys come to me because of the big black cock stereotype. Nowadays it feels like 99% of the guys I talk to on apps are only looking for hung men.

Admittedly I am not a top and am not hung like a horse, which in turn leads to me getting blocked, rejected or ignored a lot on apps.”

“Technology, and comments on profiles like ‘no blacks, no Asians,’ reflect the reality of our ‘real life’ experience,” says Vernal. “To be honest, I’d rather be rejected or blocked by a racist fool than to find myself on a date with him. That’s cool with me; go ahead and block me. I know I deserve better than a bigot decked out in gay camouflage.”

Many readers told of the hostile reception that can greet them at the door of gay bars and clubs.

“Certain door staff can be particularly hostile towards people of colour,” says Jimmy. “This is not an opinion, it is a verifiable fact – I’ve seen it several times. I also went to Vauxhall once, and was told my ‘brown boyfriend’ didn’t ‘fit the look’ of the club.”

“I often have trouble getting into clubs popular with the white gay community,” admits Mike, 25 from London.

“They often use the excuse that I look straight. I often need to go with white friends.”

“I’ve been singled out and told to wait at the door of a club whilst my white friends went straight through leaving me outside,” says Wayne, 31 from London.

“I’ve never been denied access but delayed. I’m almost always asked ‘have you been here before?’”

“I’ve been asked countless times if I know this is a gay club. I’ve been asked to name other gay venues,” adds Steve, 34 from Hackney. “And there are assumptions that I must be hung and that I’m a top. Also, I must be an escort.”

“Twelve years ago, when I joined Gaydar, I saw the same thing so many times I wrote an anthropoloLaks, 41 from London says, “I’ve had my sexuality quesgy essay on it and deleted my profile after tioned by security staff and managers at LGBT two weeks,” says Manjinder. “Some venues in the mistaken belief that South Asians “I’ve had my Asians or blacks have retaliated can’t be gay.” sexuality quesby writing ‘Asians only’ but I’ve never seen them say no to a racial “London’s ‘queer spaces’ have either been tioned by security group. It dumbfounds me. Write deliberately or unwittingly ‘whitewashed’ staff and managers at about what you want, not what to mirror white-run gay publications,” LGBT venues in the you don’t want. Apps and dating says Vernal. “So much so that it truly mistaken belief that sites need to close down racist catches my eye when I spot a black face South Asians can’t accounts, which would probably in the gay media. They are usually limited be gay.” mean over 50% of white gay profiles to the clubbing or paid escorts sections at closed down.” the back. It’s the same with social settings. The not-so-subliminal message in gay social settings “I still live with the trauma of having dated Milo Yiannopis whites equal money, and blacks don’t! Denied the oulos, who now spends his time being as demeaning social opportunities that whites take for granted, black towards black men as possible and calling it entertainLGBT people, like a sub-class below a sub-class, must ment,” Vernal adds. “I can confirm that he is very go elsewhere. If we do venture into the hubs, black gay different from the time we spent together. I fear that he’s men are more often that not perceived as eye-candy just saying what a lot of white gay men think: black men fetish-material or as hyper-exotic sex toys – not as are just walking cocks, not people. In my case, I’ve lived holistic people.” and learned. Because of guys like him, I’m increasingly drawn to just dating guys of my own race.”

“Berlin is way worse,” Manjinder says. “I used to live there. I was like an exotic zoo animal to the men there.

I believe in empowering oneself, and loving one’s own DO YOU KNOW THIS IS A GAY CLUB? skin, and then we have a positive response. We need support to do this. We rarely get represented in any www.fsmag.org.uk

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WE ASKED: Do you feel sexualised or objectified on the gay scene?

• 85% of black gay men said yes • 54% of South East and East Asian gay men said yes • 57% of South Asian gay men said yes • 75% of Arab gay men said yes • 80% of Latin American gay men said yes

Photo © Shutterstock/mimagephotography

• 55% of gay men of mixed ethnicity said yes

magazines, media, TV, radio, etc. Gay magazines are to blame as well as apps for the commodification, discrimination, and objectification of gay men – youthful white men with muscles on covers.”

RACE AWARENESS Do we need to start looking closer to home when it comes to being a forward-thinking community?

negotiate life, and then we go to the gay scene thinking it’s a safe space, and we have to face the same racism there, just by somebody saying ‘do you know this is a gay club?’” says Marc. “When you’ve bucked up all your courage just to go there, when you’ve gone through all the things that every other gay boy has gone through, and you get there and somebody is questioning your sexuality – but not just your sexuality, they’re questioning everything about you. Are you safe to come in here? Are you going to cause trouble? Are you a drug dealer? It’s not just are you gay, it’s who are you?

They are not going to do that with a white face, ever.”

“Poorly-trained door staff are part of the problem,” Vernal says. “Door security needs training on race issues, just like the management and bar GAY HIERARCHY staff do. The gay community is big on “The gay encouraging non-gay establishments Where do BAME members of the gay to get trained up on LGBTQ issues, community is community feel they sit in the hierarbut they should take a page out of dominated by the exchy of importance? We asked in the their own book and submit themperiences of white gay survey how well they thought their selves to race awareness trainmen. Experiences outpresence and experiences were acing. If we fail to undertake such side of that narrative knowledged. training, then future generations are often pushed are going to be having this same “I feel as though because the gay commuaside or lost.” conversation thirty and forty years nity has faced discrimination, many members from now.” of it feel as though they are exempt from having to examine issues within their own community,” says J, “What can the gay scene do? We can try to recog17 from London. “Often I feel as though I am intruding nise that when a group of black gay men or Asian men and an outsider at mainstream gay events like London rock up at a club that they are gay men,” adds Marc.

Gay Pride. I generally don’t feel as though I can relate to “Gay men don’t come in one shape, one colour. There’s the experience of white gay people, as I don’t think they not only blond and a twink or shaven and muscly. We understand the reality of being a person of colour in the are all different. So maybe there is training that door gay community.” staff and bar staff must do.

“But what can we do as a community?” Marc continues.

“We can call it out. So if we are at a bar and we see someone getting hassled, or we see racism online or on apps, then we name it and we call it out.”

A SAFE SPACE? It’s assumed that the LGBTQ community will give you an accepting and warm embrace, which isn’t always the case.

“I had huge self-esteem issues as a youth going to the scene,” says Manjinder. “My so-called saviours were the most discriminating to me. It made me very sad and suicidal. What I felt about myself was constantly echoed back to me. How shallow and narrow-minded the scene was. I couldn’t get a boyfriend for a long time, no-one ever approached me in clubs, and I felt like I was wrong.

I started dating Asian men instead.”

“As black gay men, we do lots and lots of things just to

“The gay community is dominated by the experiences of white gay men. Experiences outside of that narrative are often pushed aside or lost. This makes other voices muted,” says Mike. “I believe bisexuals, lesbians and other voices are muted because of this too. The gay community needs to learn that there are multiple narratives, and fight to allow different voices and experiences to be heard and validated.”

“In my opinion there’s a very real hierarchy that exists within the gay community – with young, attractive, ‘straight-acting’ white men sitting squarely at the top,” says James. “Ethnic minorities tend to be pushed to the side. We’re either perceived as unattractive, or we’re sexually fetishised as exotic, or expected to encompass perceived stereotypes.”

“It’s as though it is taboo to have a black boyfriend, but to have sex with a man of colour is a milestone that needs to be achieved,” says Jake, 18 from Essex. “People of colour shouldn’t be fetishised, but seen as people you can have a successful relationship with – rather www.fsmag.org.uk

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WE ASKED: Do you feel that different ethnicities are fairly represented in the gay media?

• 16% of black gay men said yes • 9% of South East and East Asian gay men said yes • 6% of South Asian gay men said yes • 25% of Arab gay men said yes • 20% of Latin American gay men said yes • 6% of gay men of mixed ethnicity said yes

Photo © Chris Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com

Photo © Shutterstock/Djomas

• 24% of white gay men said yes

than a shag to fulfill a life goal.”

self-love helps too.”

“Based on my observation, we, the south-east Asian race, aren’t the most appealing race in the gay scene,” says Alan, 25 from London. “You see a lot of Caucasian, black, Latin, Middle Eastern, and European men mingling and fooling around, but we are just left behind.”

“It’s about looking at that bigger picture,” Marc adds.

“People of colour are disproportionaly affected by ill health or poorer mental heath. You name it, we’re just disproportionaly affected. And just because we’re gay doesn’t mean that disproportion shifts in any way. So we’ve got to look at all the factors in society that have an impact on why we might have poorer outcomes in health generally, poorer housing, lower levels of employment, the daily stresses of life that we have to endure.

“We occupy several spaces,” acknowledges Marc Thompson. “And as gay men of colour, we occupy the space of being black all of the time, and the space of being a homosexual. But to look at it another way, white gay men have white male privilege. They are white, which puts them at the top of the tree. They are male, which puts them at the top of the tree. They can sail pretty much through life. As a black man, I do not have that.”

“On one hand, white gay men say that their sexuality enables them to empathise with the black experience,” says Vernal Scott, “and yet, on the other, they say my race isn’t a relevant factor and that I have a ‘chip’ on my shoulder. Well, let me state loud and clear: my race is always relevant. I can’t make it invisible like I can my sexuality. And if I have a chip on my shoulder, guess who put it there?”

BARRIERS The experiences of racism can make gay men of colour more reluctant to access services that promote safer sex.

“If you think about Muslim communities or Muslim gay men for example, who right now might have heightened concerns of Islamophobia after a terrorist attack. They’re at work and going about their day, and they’re really worried about this stuff. That’s going to take its toll. So it’s about connecting those dots.”

THE FUTURE

Racism has been acknowledged and brought to light time and again, yet it still persists within the gay community. FS itself has dedicated two issues on racism in the past, but instead of repeating the same evidence of racism again and again, “Saying how do we move forward and make things better? the gay scene

is racist, the minute we acknowledge that is a great start.”

“There are internal barriers that we have as men of colour. Our own internalised stigma, or shame, or concern about engaging with sexual health services,” explains Marc, “and the taboos some of us might face around talking about sex openly. I don’t think we’re any more reluctant to test or engage, but I think there are some barriers that we put up, and it isn’t made any easier for us.”

“We have to take control of our own sexual health, and stop relying on THT, GMFA or NAZ,” says Vernal. “If condoms don’t work for you, or even if they do, ask your sexual health advisor or GP about Pre-exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP). As well as using our little rubber friends and PrEP, we must also learn about risks caused by alcohol and drugs (or ‘chemsex’), which can seriously undermine our well-being. A bit of discipline and a lot of

“Saying the gay scene is racist, the minute we acknowledge that is a great start,” says Marc. “In terms of going forward, what we can start to do is have clear and uncomfortable conversations about race, ethnicity, diversity and difference in our communities.

When we talk about ‘gay’ we have to unpick what that means. Because when a lot of people hear ‘gay’ they think ‘white and gay’. We need to address the rich rainbow of people in there, but white gay men have to understand that their black and Asian BAME brothers and sisters live in a world where race has a huge impact on them – and they have to acknowledge that, be prepared to have difficult conversations, not ignore what we are saying, it’s not part of our imagination. And then we can start moving forward.”

“White folk need to understand that my path has different obstacles and challenges from theirs,” adds Vernal.

“It’s less about blame and more about sharing knowledge and mutual understanding about our differences, similarities, feelings and actual experiences.”

www.fsmag.org.uk

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WE ASKED: Do you think the gay community has a problem with racism?

• 81% of black gay men said yes • 86% of South East and East Asian gay men said yes • 82% of South Asian gay men said yes • 100% of Arab gay men said yes • 70% of Latin American gay men said yes • 70% of gay men of mixed ethnicity said yes

14 |

Photo © Chris Jepson | www.chrisjepson.com

Photo © Shutterstock/Jacob Lund

• 49% of white gay men said yes

CHANGE ON EVERY LEVEL “BAME LGBT people need their voices heard, need to be seen, represented, displayed as 3D individuals – not stereotyped,” says Manjinder.

“Racism in the gay world is rampant, So using the colours of the rainbow as a logo is absolutely hypocritical”

“This means outreach done in their communities, funding and support for BAME activists and role models. This also means making literature available in different languages. My self-help book Bollywood Gay can be separately purchased from me in Arabic, Bengali, English, Gujarati, Hindi, Kannada, Malayalam, Marathi, Nepali, Punjabi, Tamil, Telugu and Urdu, to explain what being LGBT is to parents who don’t understand English.”

“Look at out lives in the round, holistically, to consider how all these things impact us outside of the apps, outside of the bedroom, outside of the clubs,” says Marc. “I think organisations need to be much better with their staff levels and their volunteer levels. Black men and Arab men and Asian men look at these organisations and just see white faces, and that needs to change. And finally, it’s about change at the top. Who are your trustees? How many people of colour do you have in senior management or trustee positions?”

Manjinder agrees, adding: “Get some BAME people working in LGBT organisations and magazines in high positions. Change the magazine from superficial stuff to real stuff that people care about. Make it positive and also talk about the issues in a solution-based way.”

“The mainstream LGBT community spends time telling the world to stop the oppression, homophobia and prejudice, but it neglects the fact that it is prejudiced in treating BAME LGBT people as second class citizens and often ignoring them,” says Kane, 47 from Birmingham.

“The gay community is everything but tolerant,” says Balwinder. “Racism in the gay world is rampant, so using the colours of the rainbow as a logo is absolutely hypocritical. I’ve experienced more racism on the gay scene than anywhere else in my entire life.”

“The gay community is a rainbow,” says Clif, 41 from London. “They may only see one colour, one sex. But we are here. We have stories that should be heard.”

For more information, visit www.naz.org.uk For more information, visit www.blkoutuk.com www.fsmag.org.uk

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FEATURE

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MEET THE WHITE GAY MEN WHO ARE RACIST

It’s a sad fact that elements of the gay community are racist. Some are overtly racist directly through their language and actions, while there are others who don’t even recognise that they are racist. Their micro-aggressions against people of colour through flippant language, stereotyping, fetishising or their racial ‘preference’, can often inflict just as much damage to minorities.

We surveyed over 850 gay men about their thoughts on racism, including white gay men.

Why are we singling out white gay men? Because they make up the majority of the gay community, live in a society of white privilege, and they should be accountable for their actions and things they say.

REJECTING PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE Our survey showed that 30.6% of white gay male respondents wouldn’t date a south east or east Asian man and that 16.3% wouldn’t date a black man. In fact, around 10% of respondents have actively rejected someone because of their race, with 8% unsure if they have.

“I’m only sexually attracted to white guys, and sometimes guys who have a slight mixed race. That’s not something I can help, it’s simply how I’m wired,” say Liam, 24 from Bristol. “Much the same way girls do nothing for me sexually, it feels sort of like that when it comes to guys from other ethnic backgrounds. I don’t like being made to feel like a racist because I don’t find black guys attractive. There is a clear difference between saying, ‘I think you’re not attractive because you’re black’ and ‘I’m not attracted to you because you’re black’. The first example is racist. That’s saying that someone is ugly and generally unattractive because of their skin colour. The second is saying that you personally don’t find that physical attribute attractive. Is it OK to say, ‘hey, I’m only into fat guys’? or ‘I’m not into guys with ginger hair’? Those are also types of discrimination too, only when skin colour becomes involved, it’s suddenly racism.”

“I’m not fond of guys from India, Afghanistan or some Chinese guys. They can be criminals and terrorists,” says Beeker, 45.

“I only find white skin and features attractive and I do not consider this racism,” believes Simon, 36.

“I’m into sugar and spice not chocolate or rice,” says Jack, 28 from Chester.

“I’m just simply not attracted to most Asian people. I have nothing against them as friends but I don’t find them attractive. Not all of them but most,” says Peter, 32 from Northern Ireland.

However, some white gay men recognise how ingrained institutionalised racism is.

“I used to be more self-conscious of it,” explains Craig, 26 from Cardiff. “I grew up in a community where 99% of people were white British. It took me time to grow up to people of other backgrounds, I think.”

“In all honesty I probably have rejected people because of their race, although I would never frame it in those terms. But cultural standards of attractiveness are deeply ingrained into us all from a very young age, and it would be stupid to try and pretend that race doesn’t play a factor when judging whether or not you find someone attractive. The key is to recognise it, and challenge it wherever possible,” says David, 36 from London.

RACISM ON DATING APPS We asked whether it was ever OK to state to publicly state that you aren’t into certain races on gay dating apps. 14.2% believe that it is OK, while 10.7% were unsure. Whereas 38.8% of white gay men would be offended if a profile stated ‘no white men’.

“Yes, it’s OK, doesn’t mean they’re racist, just means they aren’t interested in them as partners or when it comes to sex!” says Robert, 55 from London.

“Sexuality - even though in broad terms it means attraction to a specific gender or genders - is more complicated, it’s very personal. If an individual isn’t attracted a specific race then, yes it might seem racist but they can’t help who they are attracted to,” believes John, 28 from Sheffield. www.fsmag.org.uk

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“It is about sexual attraction. Just because you don’t find a particular race sexually attractive does not mean this is based on a racist view point. It’s about personal choice and what you

Photo © Shutterstock/Panatphong

are sexually attracted to.”

“I believe that people do have preferences especially if it is primarily for sexual activities. I think racism is often overplayed. If you identified as gay you wouldn’t be accused of being sexist by saying no girls however if it is done in a disrespectful manner or insult the person the it becomes racism but simply putting no blacks or equivalent is not racism,” says Adam, 21.

“It is about sexual attraction. Just because you don’t find a particular race sexually attractive does not mean this is based on a racist view point. It’s about personal choice and what you are sexually attracted to. Nobody should be told that their sexual preference is wrong; be it gay, straight, black, white, brown, yellow, masculine or feminine,” thinks Rob, 37 from London.

Thankfully, not all white gay men think the same way and see that discriminating against whole minorities is damaging.

“You cannot assume every member of a racial group lives up to what ever stereotypes you have a problem with. And even if you are racist and unable to get over that... there is no need to make a statement on a profile which may lead to people reading it having negative attitudes and beliefs, either about themselves or others, reaffirmed. Also it is kind of sending out the signal, that it’s OK to be racist,” says Robert, 55 from London.

“A frequent defence of the ‘no Blacks, no Asians’ is that everyone has a preference and that they should be allowed to state that,” agrees Bob, 34. “This is the blanket and wholesale elimination of potential dating partners due entirely to their race. It is, by definition, racist. It is removing what a guy has to offer, who they are, what they have done and simply defines them by race.”

WHITE GAY MEN WHO FEEL VICTIMISED 13.4% of the gay white men who took our survey believe they have experienced racism from gay men of colour.

“I often see black or mixed race guys saying they will only meet other black and or mixed race guys. I’ve also been in bars and clubs that are predominantly black or Latino, and told that that bar or club is not for me and asked what I am doing there!” says, Nick, 54 from Manchester.

“I’d been racially abused for being white and Scottish by a group of black men when I was on holiday in London,” says Alan, 36 from Edinburgh

“Racism works in many ways,” says Robert, 55. “Racism against white people should be as discouraged as racism against all other races. There is no need for negative statements on apps or otherwise.”

RACISM IN GAY BARS AND CLUBS A massive 68.9% of white gay men who responded to the survey have witnessed racism occur on the gay scene, with only 38.46% taking action when they saw it.

“I once had a table booked at a Soho bar for a small group of friends for my birthday,” explains Jonathan, 28.

“We were told there may be a £5 cover charge for people coming in after 10.30pm. One of my friends arrived at that time and they tried to charge him £15 to come in, and it wasn’t until I came to the bouncer to explain he was with me that they let him in at the cheaper rate.

He’s a beardy South Asian guy and the only non-white person who came to the event, but no one else, including those arriving late, was charged this much. He’s also told me he gets asked things like ‘do you know what this sort of place this is’ quite a lot upon entry.”

“When I arrived at a gay club with a black friend, the door staff asked him whether he knew it was a gay club not me and when I walked around the club with him, people on the dancefloor kept stopping and asking him if he sold drugs. They didn’t ask me the same thing,” says Stephen, 47 from London.

But why don’t some white gay men step up and challenge racism when they see it?

“It didn’t affect me,” admits Rob, 64. “Sometimes I challenge it, sometimes I don’t,” says Jeff, 25. “There are friends I know who have had less kind attitudes to some ethnicities. Sometimes I challenge or chastise them, sometimes I don’t. I tell people I’ll mix with whomever I want and I will generally challenge racial slurs.”

“I must admit, when people display indirect forms of racism, I’ve let it go and not challenged it,” admits Kevin, 32.

RACIAL STEREOTYPES 41.7% of the white gay men who took the survey believe stereotypes about different ethnicities to be generally true. 26.5% believe that black men have bigger penises, with the same believing that Asian men have smaller penises. 10.2% believe that black men are more dominant and 9.9% believe that Asian men are www.fsmag.org.uk

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“I’m into sugar and spice not chocolate or

Photo © Shutterstock/Oleg Golovnev

rice”

more submissive. These are only a fraction of the stereotypes white gay men believe to be true.

“Asian people are smarter,” thinks Arron, 17 from Manchester.

“I generally go for darker skin but the reason I don’t date Asian men is because in my personal experience, I’ve always found them girly. That’s not stereotyping, that’s my experience personally,” says Marcus, 48 from London.

“I’ve heard that black men cannot maintain a monogamous, faithful relationship,” says Colin, 55.

“I’ve heard that South Asian men won’t kiss,” says Paul, 38.

“White men are superior and white men are cleaner than any other race,” says George, 25.

HOW DO WE MAKE A CHANGE? How do we make it so that racism on the gay scene becomes a thing of the past? What can white gay men do to acknowledge the visibility of minorities in the gay community? Listen to these people of colour for a start: “My skin shouldn’t define who I am, the content of my character should. Martin Luther said that years ago, yet no one seems to understand this today,” says Fillix, 25 from Manchester.

“I’d like others to know skin doesn’t make the person,” agrees Steve, 34 from London, “and the next time you decide if you’d like to get to know someone be it for a friendship or a relationship try to see if you have any of the same interests. Rather than judging by race, looks or creed. Also, think how you would like to be treated.”

“Remember that I’m just a normal guy. Being black doesn’t mean I’m anything special. Race doesn’t make you inferior or superior. Not all black men are dominant tops with huge cocks. If you’re not into black men there’s no need to say exactly that, just say you’re not interested and leave race out of your reply,” says Marcus, 28.

“Just treat me like a human being. That’s all,” states Tony, 26.

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Part of

To report a hate crime, visit www.report-it.org.uk

To support GMFA’s work visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/donate.

www.fsmag.org.uk

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Photo Š Shutterstock/g-stockstudio

Photo Š Shutterstock

OPINION

12 things you might not realise make you racist

By Seyi Matthews

@Seyinoir

Oh the joys of being gay today. It’s a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions and experiences.

A ton of sexual excitement, a hint of night life predictability, so much health information at our finger-tips and sadly – quite a bit of racism.

I cannot count the number of times a white gay man has messaged me on apps with openers like “I’d like to drain your big black cock” – which makes my skin shudder. It’s a race-driven culture speared on by typical interracial gay porn (BBC thug top takes on skinny white twink), race play (a progressively accepted form of sexual role play) and ultimately, cultural ignorance.

Also, who told you I have a big dick? Because it’s news to me.

Now, if you’re into things like race play, more power to you, just make sure whoever you’re doing it with has a mutual understanding and acceptance. Because I am not a fetish, so do not treat me like one. I am not seeking your admiration or validation; I do not need that. I am demanding your respect.

Respect the fact that I am a human being with the same/similar wants and needs. Being treated like a tool for sexually driven fantasies, and being cast out by a group of people who are supposed to share the same struggles as me doesn’t cut it. You can do better.

If you’re reading this feeling guilty or apathetic, it would be nice if you took action by reading and understanding why some of the things you may say (or not say for that matter) to other races (we’re focusing on black guys here) can be annoying and problematic.

“I love black guys” Saying “I love black guys” is all well and good, but what do you like about us? Do you like every single one of

us? Is dating you going to be an issue because you’ll be attracted to every black guy that walks by? We have 54 African nations, several which differ greatly in culture. Then we have the Caribbean’s and other African Diaspora countries like Brazil and the US; the only thing we have in common is our assortment of brown skin shades. If you had said “there’s something about darker skin that drives me crazy”, you may have maintained my attention.

“I like black culture” What the hell is black culture? You’ve been watching Empire and listening to 50 Cent haven’t you? If you had said “I’m mostly into African American film and TV, as well as old school R&B and hip hop, with a bit of blues and soul”, I’d be intrigued. I mean, we’re not all into it, but it’s a great way to show some intelligence. It isn’t black culture, but a part of it.

“Is it true what they say about black guys?”

I don’t know, what do they say?

“…that you have big dicks.”

You know, I’m not sure, I haven’t seen them all. Let me know when you find out though. Just don’t ask this shit.

You can ask me - the individual - about my penis size, but I am not an ambassador for the black penis. Leave it out.

“BBC?” No. Just no. Personally, I cannot stand the word ‘cock’ but that’s the least of my annoyances with this acronym.

It’s so racially driven, stereotypical and demeaning.

Because for those of us who are not sporting inhumanly large mandingos – we’re suddenly ‘useless’ or undesirwww.fsmag.org.uk

| 25

able. Once you’ve established what both parties want and/or are into, throw it in there if applicable, otherwise don’t.

“I’ve never been with a black guy before”

“I’m into black guys because of their big lips, big shoulders and big noses”

What’s the difference? We’re not some alien species with magical sexual powers, you know. After hearing this, I sure as hell won’t be the one to change your lack of black guy experiences.

This was said to me on a date once, after the whole ‘what’s your type’ question. In what universe, would that land you my affection? Choose your words wisely fellas.

You can say you’re into ‘big/full lips’ and broad shoulders, but don’t racially stereotype us all just because you’ve met a hundred black guys who fit that description. Oddly enough, the guy had a much bigger nose than I did.

“Do you like white guys?”

This one is an innocent one, because I’ve often seen black guys with things like “black/mixed only” on their profiles. So the speculation is somewhat understandable. My advice, just shoot your shot without the silly questions. If you get rejected, so what – if he says something silly like “not into white guys” – he’s a tool, don’t waste your time.

“I like street, thug tops with big dicks” OK, so why are you here? This one is funny, because black masculinity all of sudden equates to dominant and assertive. If you’re into ghetto, dominating thugs, find one. Don’t assume we’re all like that.

“I love my ‘n-words’, but I’m not racist” This was said to me on an app. I am not an n-word. I am not your n-word. I am nobody’s n-word. Don’t use that word towards or around me.

“I’m not usually into black guys, but you’re hot” Thanks? This backhanded compliment does nothing for me. You’re trying to make me feel good about myself by shooting down something about me? My skin? How does that work? If you’re into me, let me know, don’t make it about my race all the time. Jesus.

“F*ck you n-word” The number of times I’ve received this message after turning down an advancement. Butt hurt, racist trolls with no decorum. Stay mad.

One of the biggest issues in response to race relations is that many seem to believe it’s seeking white validation. No sir.

You have completely missed the point about combatting racism in the gay community. No one is asking anyone to be into them. We just want unity and respect. No more racial stereotypes or racist/fetish-related experiences. If you’re not into someone, let the individual know.

For those who are unaware of the definition: “showing or feeling discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or believing that a particular race is superior to another.” By dismissing an entire group of people, based solely on their race, and putting whatever attribute – albeit physical or cultural – below your own/your desired race, you are being racist. Deny it all you want, but you cannot choose to redefine a word as you please. At the end of the day, don’t expect me to fight for any gay rights when white gays treat me a certain way. No ma’am.

Interracial love is just as wonderful as any other kind of love; but what makes it special is that it takes us one step away from racism; hypothetically. The more we see it, the more we learn to accept, so I’m all for it when it’s a natural bond. Don’t be deterred – this is not a personal attack, just an attack on those who display such ignorance. Date whoever you want – just don’t make others feel like crap in the process. Don’t be afraid to call me black, I am black - just don’t let my blackness define our relations.

Would you like to write an opinion piece for FS? Email fsmag@gmfa.org.uk and let’s talk.

www.fsmag.org.uk

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“The complex grievances of queer men of colour are often frustratingly reduced to who will or won’t fuck us, with us firmly positioned as desperately demanding love from the white men who exclude us from their Grindr profiles and chillouts.”

OPINION

Racism and reimagining queer black masculinities

By Otamere Guobadia

@Otamere

Report after report and survey after survey demonstrates that for BAME people in LGBTQ communities racism is a near universal experience.

While there is enough evidence, both empirical and anecdotal, to back up the claims, very rarely do these reports answer more difficult questions about the nature of this racism. The result is often a very ‘water is wet moment’ for queer people of colour at the heart of the matter, frustrated as to the lack of depth into these investigations, which stop at a shallow proclamation of things that they have always known on a deeper to level be irrefutably true.

Thus the complex, and toxic systems of dominance, violence and disenfranchisement faced by queer people of colour in mainstream LGBTQ communities, get boiled down to oversimplified statistics about how many people have simply ‘experienced racism’. A conversation that often fixes firmly upon the most post shallow aspects of the politics of desire. The complex grievances of queer men of colour are often frustratingly reduced to who will or won’t fuck us, with us firmly positioned as desperately demanding love from the white men who exclude us from their Grindr profiles and chillouts - the praxis of which is often limited to Grindr screenshots posted performatively on social media by white allies, who have taken them to task on their racist sexual ‘preferences’.

But the fact remains that our grievances run far deeper, the repercussions of which spread far further and devastatingly than dating apps. Queer communities have always had a fraught relationship with black sexuality.

Black queer men have found both their experiences and existence systematically erased. Contemporary conversations in the LGBTQ community’s position black masculinity as both outsider and archetypal villain.

Conversations about black homophobia often frame ‘ignorant black men’ as grand perpetrators of homophobic violence, which erases the imposed upon black queer men that straddle and are simultaneously dislocated from both communities (othered by white queers who overestimate the homophobia of black men and black communities, and simultaneously by black communities who view queerness as white/western deviance).

It is exhausting to navigate a community in which one’s sense of self as the other is cemented in every interaction; to have, under heavily racialised pretext, your crotch discussed, and verbally dissected, and grabbed with an astonishing frequency by gay men, straight men and women alike. A communal fascination with your genitalia means that you are rendered constantly vigilant and hyperaware of your body and made to feel like nothing more than flesh and bone curiosity. It takes a vast toll navigating your own boundaries and the perverse entitlement and sometimes revulsion that people have towards you and your body.

Representation for people, and queer people of colour in particular, plays a universally critical function across all media. From the valorized and traditional magazine covers to the taboo of the pornographic, our understanding of our roles, selfhood, and potential are dictated to us by this media.

It is profoundly telling then, that black men in gay pornography rarely move beyond the realm of fetish. It is a gaze that renders black men into walking dildos. The fetishisation of black men is not just an uncomfortable inconvenience (that exists in a vacuum). It comes with the very real and present risks of violence and incarceration; the highly charged, depictions of black men as ‘monster-cocked’ ‘thugs’, in quasi-animalistic Othello-inspired cuckold narratives is industry standard. It is sexually lascivious blackness emasculating the fragile, www.fsmag.org.uk

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“Listen to us. Complicate the narrative.

Black queer men exist in multiplicity. We are your teachers, students, friends and lovers...�

innocent whiteness on loop ad infinitum.

This persistent preoccupation with the size of black male genitalia - an obsession and expectation that harms trans and cis black men alike - may at first seem harmless or playful, but feeds into and relies upon a narrative, which at it’s more extreme end, is plainly a rhetorical tool dehumanisation of white supremacy.

It fuels the dehumanization, and kind of hypersexualised, violent caricatures that create cases and outcomes as unjust racialised as the recent ‘Tiger Mandingo’ case.

The voyeuristically graphic description of Johnson’s ‘very large’ and (‘too tight’ to fit condoms) penis’, demonstrated repeatedly not only in plaintiff police reports, but by point of reference sex tape stills, led one commentator, Thrasher, to say that for all intents and purposes, Johnson as he sat was not being prosecuted, but rather “standing trial was his black, ejaculating, HIV-positive penis”.

The complex, and toxic systems of dominance, violence and disenfranchisement faced by queer people of The hypersexual portrayal necessarily goes hand in hand with the hyper-violent characterisation. It is too often juxtaposed against the innocence and inviolability of white sexuality, and embodied in an anxiety about the corruption of that innocence. In the Tiger Mandingo case this black penile obsession literally serves to criminalize Johnson at the hands of a predominantly queerphobic, white, and straight jury.

The plaintiffs in Johnson’s case are not merely his sexual partners, but rather his ‘victims’. Aside from the institutionalised racism that played out in the actual mechanics of the trial and his eventual 30-year sentencing, Johnson’s partners, where evidence and morality conflicted, were united in a singular goal: finding a blameworthy villain for their predicament. Emmet Till, murdered at the age of 14 in 1950s Mississippi died because a white woman had fabricated a story about his aggressive sexual forwardness; The fear of the sexually wanton, big-dicked, black monster is one that has dogged contemporary thought for an unshakeable amount of time, and it can be a quintessentially life or death matter.

Archaic laws about HIV transmission inevitably disproportionately punish and criminalize queer black people who have significantly higher rates of HIV transmission than their white counterparts, and face increased structural barriers to both preventative and corrective healthcare. These range from a lack of necessary sexual education, access and affordability of contraceptives,

treatment and health insurance, and perversely increases the stigma that discourages people from testing far more regularly and discussing their status honestly with prospective.

The experiences of black men in LGBTQ communities is so often one of overwhelming isolation and alienation, but the situation as ever, is not without hope. Change, while not painless or simple, is visible on the queer horizon. How should you play your part in the liberation work?

Listen to us. Complicate the narrative. Black queer men exist in multiplicity. We are your teachers, students, friends and lovers. We have rich and complex interior lives; bodies in every shape, size and colour; multifaceted relationships with our families, our communities and our varied faiths; with our politics and our art. We contain multitudes and we create multitudes. Resist the single story. Black men have and have always had, utility beyond sexual fantasy and fetish. Reevaluate the lens through which you view our bodies and ourselves.

Refuse your own indoctrination by questioning and interrogating every aspect of your own biases. Strive to respect the bodily integrity of the black men around you. Question the fantasies, myths and toxic narratives that you have almost certainly been sold wholesale and consequently traded and dealt in.

As I always say there are already those who have begun the vital work. This is after all is a post-Moonlight world, and there have long been these figures doing the fierce, nuanced and beautiful praxis reimagining us as intimate, and complex wonderworks, loving and lovable in equal measure. Among my favourites: Inimitable stylist and newly-named Dazed 100 influencer Ib Kamara who weaves a rich fashion tapestry that blends a sensual, and luxurious afrofuturism with an unapologetic blackness and queerness. Photographer and Filmmaker, Seye Isikalu has taken aim at contemporary black male narratives with his viral work ‘Don’t Police My Masculinity’, along with his poignant new short film ‘Monochrome’: a nuanced insight into gaze, intimacy, and traditionally constructed black masculinities.

It is still within the bounds of possibility that the notion of room in a mainstream LGBTQ community for black men and QPOC can still hold water. There are people propelling the conversation about black sexuality and masculinities forward in bold and novel ways. Those already doing the hard but rewarding work of reimagining queer black masculinities as something other than site and visitor of violence. If only you can listen, learn, and unlearn your prejudices. www.fsmag.org.uk

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Photo © Dan Hall

Photo © Shutterstock/Djomas

LIFE

Being black and gay: the illusion of inclusion I was 12 when I found out what the word ‘faggot’ was. It was directed at me. I had no idea what I had done to provoke such a reaction because as far as I was concerned I behaved like one of the lads. However, it quickly became apparent from the whispers in the changing room that this simply was not the thing to be and I was ostracised.

It was a brutal initiation into the hostile homophobic attitudes of ‘sexually conservative’ West Africa. It is an environment that ensures you understand shame before your sexuality and there is no greater shame than being gay. “A grave sin”, I once overhead my father say.

The realisation that I actually was gay made me want to disappear. I went into hiding and detached myself from any potential friendship groups at school. This self-imposed exile continued for the next five years until I was shipped off to an English boarding school where it was definitely OK to be homosexual, but so deep was my desire to be straight that I didn’t even allow myself a fantasy. I clung to the hope that if I remained ‘good’, I would be rewarded with straightness and prove my former tormentors wrong. That was to be my revenge. I failed.

Welcome to the gay scene I finally caved at the age of 24, in my postgraduate year at Bath University. So great was my ignorance about life within the LGBT community that I was really not sure what to expect.

I did, however, have the impression that it would be more accepting. Dating apps such as Grindr were already established forms of contact which I appreciated because they promised an easy way to reach out for someone who was not ready to be out on the scene.

In those early days, I was really looking for a place to belong and find acceptance in ways that were not necessarily sexual.

Instead, I was confronted with a barrage of dick pics, starfish poses, objectification and racism on a scale that I thought belonged to the days of the empire. Here are some instances:

By Ali

I have history books that state otherwise, sir.

Other charming messages included: “I don’t want no African bush baby coming over to steal my things anyway”, “I left my wife for you black dudes” and “You’re really sweet but you’re the wrong colour.”

These are examples in a long list of microaggressions that black men and other minorities have to endure on a near daily basis. My inexperience with the situation meant that I took it personally and sought validation by jumping into bed with guys who paid me compliments, setting me on a path of unfulfilling sexual and dating encounters. By the summer of 2015, I was frustrated and confused yet still craved validation and now a stable relationship. I honestly thought if I was ‘good’ and sought a monogamous relationship I would finally get the happy ending I deserved.

Love has no colour?

‘No blacks, Asians’ and all the other racially charged comments (jokes, they call them) found on apps, though hurtful, can be endured and even laughed at like the one above.

But what about when it’s coming from someone you care about and from someone you believed cared about you?

Now this was funnier than most ‘jokes’. www.thefactsite.org.uk

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Photo Š Shutterstock/Djomas

The recent glamorisation of interracial relationships has failed to highlight the vile racist shit that people of colour can face in their own homes behind closed doors with their partners. I had to learn that dating interracially doesn’t equate to being less racist than those who put ‘no blacks’ on their profile. The pain takes on a new dimension when in a relationship and is difficult to confront because you find yourself wondering how your non-black partner could be racist. After all, ‘love is love’ and ‘love has no colour’ right? This can result in confusion and mental torture that can spiral into something unpleasant if not dealt with.

Summer 2015 saw me blindly fall for someone and get sucked into a relationship where seemingly minor racial insensitivities escalated into emotional and verbal abuse. Hearing him casually make comments such as “Chinese people are uncivilised until they come to England” were irksome to me and attempts to correct him would be met with retorts like “why do all you black people have this ingrained aggression”. He would then proceed to use the fact that he was dating me as a shield against accusations of racism which often resulted in the conclusion that I was overreacting. Out of desperation to prove that I was not one of those humourless, overly sensitive blacks I let the comments slide.

to develop. Disaster.

He turn out to be the cliché example of someone who says they’re not racist and don’t appear to be, but is uncomfortable when I point out the racist things that he said. There were instances where my ethno-cultural observations with him were denigrated as me ‘reading too much into things’. He would then proceed to display a level of prickdom that I didn’t think him capable of.

This was in reference to my body hair In fact he turned out to be particularly condescending and smug and would use his people of colour friends as an excuse to be more outspoken about his ‘casual’ racism as he put it, often citing that his other black friends had no problems with it and that I was overly sensitive.

This relationship disintegrated into a highly dysfunctional, psychologically destructive situation that was characterised by constant ‘casual racism’, mental abuse and multiple counts of infidelity on his part. A messy separation that saw me being told to “go back to Africa, where you belong” followed. My self-esteem had sunk so low that I attempted suicide a week after the breakup.

Relationships can be racist A year on from that ordeal I was holidaying in London, my beloved second home (pre-Brexit, that is). Having made a full mental and physical recovery, I was looking good and ready to tease the boys. I was contacted by this tall, charming and seemingly witty man who seemed interested in me and my ethnic background. He even gave me the whole ‘my closest friends are black Africans and therefore I am an open minded and good person’ speech which, with hindsight, should’ve been the biggest red flag but attraction clouded my judgement.

Racism is a big part of any minority’s life in the West and I was stupid to believe that this was someone who would ‘get it’. I let my guard down and feelings started

Gaslighting. Classic.

These posts highlight an incident where his inappropriate remarks lead to some tension. After that previous experience, I was simply not willing to let these comments slide and attempted to get him to see how inappropriate his words were. His mantra was being ‘open minded’, after all. Unfortunately this backfired and the situation descended into an intense fight that lasted a whole day.

With this, I was then forced to confront the very real possibility that whatever racism people harbour in this country will likely always be simmering beneath the surface and it really cannot be changed. I mean, this was a www.thefactsite.org.uk

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Photo Š Shutterstock/Eugenio Marongiu

person who told me that his parents “sometimes enjoy making nigger jokes but that doesn’t make them racist at all”. I had to cut him out before he hurt me further.

Translation: ‘I like saying racist things’.

The illusion The illusion of inclusion is how I would describe the LGBT community in Britain. The gay community loves to pay lip service to being accepting of everyone.

For all their equality branding, the LGBT community has been an absolute disappointment in tackling any form of intolerance and it was completely naïve of me to think that the LGBT community would be exempt.

The enticing messages of endless love and equality are deceptive and especially harmful to people of colour, like myself, who are particularly vulnerable when looking for ‘safe places’.

It was jarring to be confronted with the exact same feelings of intolerance and rejection that I faced in my home country.

Dating within the LGBT community did strip the veil about racism not being a problem any more and has brought about tremendous internal growth. Through all the confusion, tears, depression I have emerged with much thicker skin. I am well equipped to deal with racism in the wider world but I will be damned if I let it happen in my intimate life ever again.

Do you have a true life experience you’d like to share with FS? Get in contact: fsmag@gmfa.org.uk

www.thefactsite.org.uk

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Photo Shutterstock/Asier Romero Photo ©©Shutterstock.com

“You’re

cute for

an Asian!”

LIFE

5 things an Asian guy hears on a regular basis

By Chris Lei

@herohchris

If you’re an Asian guy like me (East Asian to be specific in my case) then not a week, or often a day, goes by when I don’t have to endure some form of casual racism. I’m not talking about the out and out abusive, shouting at your face just because you’re a different ethnicity form of racism, but the sort that infiltrates day-to-day conversation and is almost subliminal in nature.

Quite often you don’t catch it, and often they don’t realise what they’re saying is wrong. However, I have fine-tuned my ears and eyes to sense these slights and this list is my gift to you. If you say or have said any of these things, you might want to reconsider future conversations.

1. “You’re cute for an Asian!”

For some of us, a backhanded compliment like this might be difficult to say no to, especially if you’re also attracted to them (because you might risk losing the opportunity to sleep with them), or you feel the need to thank them out of politeness. But by doing so, you’re actually making the situation worse and condoning this offensive behaviour to the rest of the community. Please don’t make them feel like it is OK to put other people down in order to get what they want.

P.S. You’re awful for a human.

2. “Oh I love Asian guys!”

Look, it’s nice to know that you have a preference, and of course you’re absolutely allowed to approach someone because you prefer how they look, but starting a conversation with this just makes us feel like you are only talking to us because of our race or culture. How we look doesn’t define who we are, because I could be an Asian and a serial killer, then cut you into pieces and feed you to my pet dragon.

3. “Where are you REEEEALLY from?”

When guys ask me this, sometimes it makes me think that if I am just misinterpreting their original question are they expecting me to say “Jupiter” or “test tube”?

Just because I look a certain way, it doesn’t mean I can’t be born in that country. I do love it though when guys try and get to the bottom of this. Shall I give you my genetic code next?

4. “Ni hao ma?” (That’s ‘how are you’ in Mandarin) As this phrase is rather well known, it would be understandable for you to show off your vast knowledge on culture and languages. But then again, just because I look a certain way, it doesn’t mean I can automatically speak the most spoken Asian language. You’ll also just embarrass yourself if you can’t continue with the conversation in that language. Personally, this isn’t too annoying because I can speak a bit of Mandarin, but for others, it can get rather offensive.

5. “Can I guess what you are?!”

This one is just ridiculous. Sorry, but you’re not on Antiques Roadshow. Half of the time you are just going to start naming random countries based on the size of my eyes or how smooth my body is. And do you know what’s worse? When I reveal my ethnicity and you respond with “Oh I was close!”. Congratulations, here’s your medal. Can we not talk about something more meaningful such as the colour of your ugly curtains or the old stains on your mirror?

Would you like to write an advice column based on your life experiences? Email us at fsmag@gmfa.org.uk

www.thefactsite.org.uk

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Photo Š Flickr.com/Marton Bamford

OPINION

CAN POLITICS END RACISM IN THE GAY COMMUNITY?

By Anthony Lorenzo

@ringolorenzo

Is there racism in the gay community? Yes, because hatred and fear and loathing, spite and routine, irrationality and misoneism; these things infect everywhere. Yet people often believe their proximity to a particular oppression negates the need to actively understand oppression that affects other groups.

Empathy handled so capriciously is easily squashed.

Advantage, when you’ve been robbed of even more of it, can breed resentment. You can end up in such a cloud of dissonance you use the shield, say, whiteness provides, to inure yourself from the misery of others.

So we get groups of people who ‘should know better’ indulging in the ‘isms’ like they’re going out of fashion, right as they come back in. There is a backlash against the backlash against cis white male supremacy. This group senses that its historical right as the hallowed default for everything is being systematically chipped away at. It does not care that this diversifying is good, because losing power doesn’t feel good. The information age, with its dissemination of facts, fake facts, and multiple persuasive counterculture arguments that become accessible because the internet democratises, has woken everyone up to the biases mainstream media subjects us to.

It’s a rallying cry nonetheless, that delivered the White House to a leader of its ugliest excesses. The shocking, unimaginable resulting Trump-as-President just wasn’t that shocking or unimaginable for non-white people.

Stories surfacing suggesting people regret voting for Trump now may elicit a sense of revelling in other’s misfortune, but not much, because if the turning of this tide is horrific for minorities and the marginalised, it’s ultimately manageable if you’re cushioned.

How can the gay community itself combat the growing normatively-led extremism taking over a disintegrating Europe, a regressive America, an unspeakable Chechnya? Does a growing repoliticisation of disparate groups throughout the country and world-at-large provide the answer to shoring up the gay community’s hard-won but easily lost claim to be a bastion of queer inclusivity?

Can the historical narrative depicted in Pride, which saw the queer community take on the struggles of the miners, be repeated with Black Lives Matter?

Depoliticisation in the gay community is partly a result of battles won. We’ve come a long way, and when one can finally get married, the feeling of equality is easily maintained, not least by its discernibility in statutes and on the streets. Previous victorious fights, on Section 28, consent laws, our sanity, and our growing visibility in culture, on television, in cinema and literature, have meant we’re more able to adopt a life free from draining battles than ever before, at least in the UK. And wasn’t that one of the aims? To make future roads less rocky?

Now though, perhaps geopolitics, with its rising extremism, concentration camps, interventions in wars by megalomaniacs with too many weapons at their disposal, all echoes of the build-up to world wars, and the more complex linking of these horrors due to globalisation and the information age, is a call to arms. Communities that believed they’d finally won the right to relax may now have to dust off the rage and accept that it’s needed again. With shadows of Nazism dancing on the walls again in front of you, you cannot pretend racism has been banished. If it’s a step too far to link spraying racial epithets on walls to Grindr ‘preferences’, just consider that a cyber-wall is still a wall.

Queer identity is naturally inclusive because the unifying marker, queerness, sets no store in age, class, race, gender, ability, in any type of person. When we hear that gay men are being captured and killed in concentration camps in Chechnya, evidence of where this psychotic wave of illiberalism ends mounting before our eyes, we’re cognisant of the need to protest, and more, we become enraged, scared.

The same thing is happening in many places in the world. We need to use these emotions to do more than mutter about them at dinner. It’s time for a mass-repoliticisation of the gay community, which might happily spill over into more inclusive attitudes, full stop. www.thefactsite.org.uk

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Photo © Chris Jepson

Photo © Chris Jepson

Maximus took part in FS magazine’s ‘HIV Stripped Bare 2016’ issue, which challenged HIV stigma.

OPINION

I’m black, gay and living with HIV

By Maximus Crown

@MrCrownUK

I was born in Nigeria but I became a Londoner long before I was able to read or write, which according to some of my relatives makes me “a black man living in a white man’s world.”

I know that this combined with the facts that I identify myself as a homosexual man who also happens to be HIV-positive hasn’t exactly set the scene for the most scar-free rainbow, but I have never given any of my negative experiences influence over how I viewed the world or what I expected from it. Or at least that’s what I thought.

The truth is that you don’t have to be subjected to discrimination that many times along the road before you begin to expect it at every turn. I can’t say that I remember the first time I got rejected by someone on account of my skin colour, but I do know that it probably happened online and I probably didn’t give it much thought because by the time I had started hooking up with guys, being treated differently because of my skin colour was not a new thing. So being dismissed by the odd cutie here or there was never going to be that big of a deal.

Especially if it’s done in the back alley of an the internet or some dark corner of an app.

I’ve always known that being rejected is a part of the package when it comes to interacting with other people and I will never be able to change that fact. So whether it’s because I’m HIV-positive, too skinny, too camp or because I’m black, people will always have their preferences and I will just have to deal with that, but I’m not sure if I can any more.

and morally just, so they tend not to be so open about anything that could potentially challenge that perception. But if you spend enough time in the company of anyone who sees you as an equal with views and values that they believe to be comparable, you may get a peek behind the curtain at what really drives some of their impulses and reactions.

Over the past few years we have become increasingly aware of the way many men on dating websites and applications have openly been quite specific about the race of the men they will and will not date. They’ll happily tell us who they won’t date but they won’t tell us why.

One of the first people I dated told me that he could never be with a white man, and he refused to accept that what he described as a preference was actually a form of racism, because he just didn’t find white men attractive and as far as he saw things it was natural for people to stick with their own kind. This way of thinking is not uncommon. The first line of defence amongst people who adhere to racial preference is that it’s just what they are attracted to and it can’t be helped.

It’s rare that I find myself in a position where I could to my knowledge be discriminated against because of my HIV status. I have had one situation I remember where he and I were sitting, chatting and kissing, at which point I decided to disclose my status. I noticed a change in his body language. He wasn’t rude or disrespectful and even though he took the time to ask me questions about HIV, I could tell that he was uncomfortable and that he no longer wanted us to continue.

I don’t think anybody has ever actually said directly to my face that they do not like black men because this is 2017 and the people that consider themselves not to to be racist try to avoid being at the receiving end of an accusation like that.

The challenge here is to first answer this: If someone does not find people of other races attractive does that mean they believe beauty is the reserve of their race alone?

People generally like to think of themselves as good

For more information about HIV, visit www.gmfa.org. uk/livingwithhiv www.thefactsite.org.uk

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HIV POSITIVE NEGATIVE MEN HAVE A

RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT THEIR PARTNERS

THEMSELVES

Your sexual partners may not always insist on using condoms.

Stopping transmission of HIV is your responsibility.

For more information, visit www.gmfa.org.uk.

GMFA - the gay men’s health charity 11 Ebenezer Street, London N1 7NP. Charity No: 1076854 GMFA projects are developed by positive and negative volunteers.

To support GMFA’s work visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/donate.

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