YOUR EMOTIONAL COMMAND SYSTEMS
T HE R ELATIONSHIP C URE: A F IVE S TEP G UIDE T O S TRENGTHENING Y OUR M ARRIAGE, F AMILY, FROM AND F RIENDSHIPS, B Y:
DR. JOHN GOTTMAN COMMANDER IN CHIEF, EXPLORER, SENSUALIST, ENERGY CZAR, JESTER, AND SENTRY
Seven Emotional Command Systems According to research conducted by neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp at Bowling Green State University, there are seven distinct “emotional command systems” believed to be present in each person’s brain. As Dr. Gottman explains in The Relationship Cure, each one coordinates the emotional, behavior, and physical responses needed for certain functions related to survival (rest, procreation, self-‐defense, etc). According to this theory, people differ in how much they like to have these systems stimulated. Identifying your own optimal level of stimulation is important for emotional well-‐being. Acknowledging emotional similarities and differences in your relationships is an important part of bidding and responding to bids for emotional connection.
Evaluate Your Emotional Command Systems your own comfort level within each of seven emotional command systems to test Assess whether your current live experience is over stimulating you or under stimulating you
within each system. 1. Build your awareness of your own emotional needs. Why are you attracted to certain people, activities, or subject matter? 2. Improve your ability to make bids and response to other people’s bids for connection. Know what you need and understand why you need it. 3. Help you to better understand the people you’re close with. Consider how others in your life are affected by their own emotional command systems, and how these effects may color your relationships with them.
Sensualist Sexual gratification, procreation
Explorer Exploration, Discovery
Seeking learning, questioning, goal-‐ setting. Feeling curiosity, excitement, interest, mastery. Over activation creates intense sensation seeking, overwork, manic behavior. Under activation leads to restlessness, boredom, irritation, anxiety.
Seeking sex, flirtation, arousal, sexual contact, intercourse. F eeling excitement, pleasure. Over activation creates sexual risk-‐taking, coercion, sexual harassment. Under activation leads to aversion and depression.
Commander-‐in-‐Chief Dominance, Control
Nest-‐Builder Affiliation, Bonding, Attachment Seeking nurturing, caring, forming friendships, expressing affection, experiencing loss and grief. Feeling love, belonging, self-‐worth, being needed, separation distress, grief. Over activation creates irritability, loss of personal boundaries, martyrdom, panic when faced with separation. Under activation leads to loneliness, depression, anxiety, trouble healing from loss or grief.
Seeking power, freedom, forcing action. Feeling confidence, power. Over activation creates anger, aggression, rage, violent attack. Under activation leads to impotence, passivity, frustration.
Jester Recreation, Diversion Seeking play, amusement, joking, creative pursuits, sports, games, make-‐believe. Feeling relaxation, joy, serenity, ecstasy. Over activation creates extreme silliness, manic behavior. Under activation leads to lethargy, depression, inhibition.
Sentry Defense, Vigilance Characterized by worry, seeking safety, prevention, protection. Feeling apprehension, tension, anxiety, fear. Over activation creates unrealistic ears, phobia, paranoia, overprotectiveness, intense anxiety, obsessive-‐compulsive disorders, hyper-‐vigilance. Under activation leads to cavalier behavior, carelessness, unsafe risk-‐taking.
Energy Czar Regulates need for energy, rest, relaxation Seeking rest, relaxation, nourishment, exercise. Feeling anticipation, satiety, pleasure, satisfaction. Over activation creates obsession with stress relief, sleep, diet, b ody weight. Under activation leads to fatigue, exhaustion, depression, weakened immune system.
Questions to Consider
Spend some time considering the implications that the following questions hold for your life, your relationships, and the way you make bids for emotional connection: 1. Which of your emotional command systems would you like to use more in your life? 2. What changes would you need to make for this to happen? 3. Which of your emotional command systems would you like to use less in your life? 4. What changes would you need to make for this to happen? 5. How are you different from others are you, in terms of the way you each use your emotional command systems? How are you the same? 6. How might the recognition of these differences and similarities help your relationships? 7. How do your differences or similarities affect the way you bid for emotional connection with this person? How do they affect your responses? What changes could you make to improve this process?
Accepting Ourselves and Others Knowing that our brains are wired in various and highly individualized ways allows us to be more compassionate and tolerant towards ourselves and others. It helps us to build better
relationships through understanding and accepting our differences. Bidding and making connections despite our differences isn’t always easy. Emotional command systems are, after all, hardwired into the anatomy of the brain. Still, connection is possible – especially when we acknowledge those differences, accept them, and build them into the bidding process. This results in more stable relationships that are based on common respect for one another’s emotional needs in the home, the workplace, and even the classroom