April Fools 2011

The OdDITY

April 1, 2011

Ulysses S. Grant High School

Volume LII Issue 3

New Jeopardy SLC sparks intense competition between AcaDeca and the class formally known as Journalism

By HOVANES MESTDZHDYN

PHOTO BY MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER The J-squad has little time to celebrate their victory before plunging into a deep sleep after their caffeine and sugar kicks abandoned them. The lazy underdogs beat AcaDeca in Jeopardy with the help of many boxes of pizza and cans of soda.

On Tuesday, Mrs. Ibach announced that a new Small Learning Community is to be built. Only this SLC is much smaller than you would think.

Mr. Kruska is the one and only teacher in charge of the new SLC, because of his professional style of clothing and his impressive demeanor.

The new SLC has been themed after one of the most popular and intense game shows of all time, “Jeopardy!”

Since Mr. Kruska is already coaching the Academic Decathlon Team, he has been training his students for an opportunity like this for years.

However, with such a famous game show comes fierce competition, and Mr. Kruska was completely shocked when he found out that his Academic Decathlon Team would be going up against some unimpressive competitors in what used to be Mrs. Lasarow’s journalism class, now taught by a new teacher after Mrs. Lasarow’s promotion to Grant’s new track coach.

The new teacher’s name is unknown as of now but rumors have been going around

ARTICLE INDEX

that she might be one of Mrs. for each slice.

Who knew it would only Lasarow’s former students. Although she might look shock- take ninety-six boxes to reach ingly similar to Mrs. Lasarow the ceiling? At least now we in appearance, don’t be fooled, know why the upstairs bathher methods of teaching are rooms are closed in the 100 building. incompa“We couldn’t believe As soon rable. as game day Both we had won! We knew arrived, howteams had e x a c t l y they had the years of ever, no one prepared one week training on their side, was for the topics to train until the but we had the won- that were laid forth. Some show took ders of Coca-Cola.” of the topplace.

– Bea Naymon ics included M r .

“Words that Kruska’s team, on one hand, displayed start with G” and “Historical great effort in intellectually odysseys” and “Things that stimulating training exercises are orange.”

The game took place for by timing themselves and seeing how fast they could finish two long, straight days. The all equations in a math book, Academic Decathlon Team write all the terms of a diction- (self-nicknamed “AcaDeca”) ary, and still manage to not run and the Journalism Team (more popularly known as the out of ink in their pens.

On the other hand, the “J-squad”) were neck-andjournalism team had more neck going back and forth be*creative* methods of prac- tween numerous categories.

The AcaDeca team seemed tice. They trained themselves by seeing how many boxes of to be dominating in the “Words pizza they could eat and stack that start with G” category beup to the ceiling in a week cause of their advantage in while drinking a can of soda possessing the knowledge of

FUNFUNFUNFUN

NEWS •

Jeopardy SLC: J-squad vs. AcaDeca results

•

Alligator Wrestling replaces E/I classes

innumerable facts.

It wasn’t until the second day came along, and the Jsquad hit Double Jeopardy and went into a final bonus round, that the tables appeared to be turning.

The Double Jeopardy category was “Grant’s History.”

Though both teams should have been completely exhausted, the J-squad was wide awake due to their over-consumption of caffeinated, sugary soda.

The last question which would determine the winner was displayed: “Who lies in Grant’s tomb?”

As the clock started ticking down, one by one each member of the AcaDeca team started to fall asleep until only one remained awake.

The members of the Jsquad looked at each other and smiled in their confidence for

victory. The buzzer went off, time was up, and the answers were being revealed.

Mr. Kruska was in complete disbelief; his team had no answer written down! The only member in the audience gasped in shock. Then the Jsquad revealed their answer, and it read “Ulysses S. Grant.”

It was correct! The J-squad had won!

“We couldn’t believe we had won!” Bea Naymon, former Editor of Features for the now retired Grant newspaper, The Odyssey, said. “We knew they had the years of training on their side, but we had the wonders of Coca Cola.”

Pictures were taken of the winning team, but unfortunately, they had all fallen asleep. It seems that the soda buzz wore off by the time they were handed the winner’s trophy.

PHOTO BY HOVANES MESTDZHYAN Mrs. Lasarow and her new replacement stand side by side. Many students have commented that the NEW teacher, yet unnamed, looks uncannily similar to Mrs. Lasarow.

X-TREME SPORTS

FEATURES • •

Mr. Tyni joins “Dancing With the Stars” Fashionista

• •

Mrs. Lasarow named new track coach Secrets of exclusive fence-climbing society

Grant High School Odyssey Page 2

FUNFUNFUNFUN

April 1, 2011

Alligator Wrestling replaces E/I class regimen on Fridays

By JAZMINE SANCHEZ AND JENNIFER SAGASTUME

PHOTO BY NICOLE BUROVA Student actors Israel Teragano, David Pineda, Aracely Barerra-Ramirez, Ben Viallabos, and Dior Groover recite lines together. Ms. Blumenberg’s heartwarming experience with “Rent” on Broadway inspired her to bring the musical to Grant’s stage.

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Mr. Tinstman bravely puts his finger right in the alligator’s mouth. Alligators are native to Florida, but oddly, they’re making themselves at home here in Valley Glen.

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Mrs. Muralles, pictured here with former Odyssey Editor of Opinions, Jennifer Sagastume, gives the alligator a taste of her fury. Alligators have become a pesky nuisance at Grant High School, hiding in the swampy areas near the library.

It’s here! The alligator wrestling challenges have finally happened. It wasn’t so easy finding people who would actually take upon the challenge of wrestling alligators, but four contestants proved to be fearless: Mr. Tinstman, Mr. Kruska, Mr. Kent, and Mrs. Muralles.

Mrs. Muralles wanted to show all the men that women have the power to wrestle an alligator, so she went first. She stepped up to the plate and quickly jumped onto the alligator like a snake catching its prey. She pulled out a Guatemalan quesadilla and stuffed it into the

alligator’s mouth. A couple of hits on the head and she had the alligator begging her to stop.

Next up was SpongeBobloving Mr. Tinstman.

He s e e m e d afraid, but reached into his pocket and pulled out his hand-dandy – Mr. Kruska SpongeBob bubblemaking machine. Finally, a bubble hit the alligator right in the eye, and the alligator went comatose. What made him bring a SpongeBob bubble machine along? “I never leave home without it,” he said.

Mr. Kruska came next with a huge smile on his face.

“Well, back in my day, alligator wrestling was an everyday thing...”

“Well, back in my day, alligator wrestling was an everyday thing. See, there’s one story I have [35 minutes later...] and I was crowned Alligator Wrestling King.” They wrestled for an hour before Mr. Kruska lassoed the alligator with his tie.

Finally, Mr. Kent decided to take up the challenge. With his “teacher stare,” he made the alligator collapse in terror.

“You see, I have a special ability: just stare into the subject’s eyes, and it’s lights out!”

Subsequently, Mrs. Ibach realized how successful alligator wrestling was. She announced that every Friday, during E/I class, students will have the chance to wrestle an alligator. Make sure to work out every day, so when you face the challenge, you will be a winner, too.

Adviser

Editors

Oddity Adviser

Editor of News Jazmine Sanchez

Mrs. Lasarow

The Oddity is published by the Journalism Class of U.S. Grant High School, located at 13000 Oxnard Street, Valley Glen, California.

Opinions expressed in The Oddity are solely those of the authors and do not reflect those of Ulysses S. Grant High School, its faculty, or its student body.

Ads are available by request.

For more information, please call (818) 756-2700 ext.

2753 (phone number updated 11/14/08).

Editor of FUNFUNFUNFUN Jennifer Sagastume Editor of Features Bea Naymon Editor of X-TREME Sports Hovanes Mestdzhyan Editor of Photography Mirvat Hariri

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Mr. Kruska seems quite startled by the number and size of the alligator’s sharp teeth. His only weapon is his silk tie, which actually should do the trick.

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Mr. Kent sits pensively, waiting for the alligator to open his jaws. Mr. Kent cleverly considers using a useless old laptop to wedge the alligator’s jaw open.

Reporters Nicole Burova Mirvat Hariri Raul Lopez Hovanes Mestdzhyan Bea Naymon Jennifer Sagastume Jazmine Sanchez

Grant High School Odyssey Page 3

April 1, 2011

FEATuRES

Students catch dancing fever from new Grant star, Mr. Tyni By bea naymon and nicole burova This season of “Dancing with the Stars” began with a bang! Audiences nationwide tuned in to see the premier of what is sure to be an amazing 12th season.

This season is particularly meaningful for us here at Grant; we were in for quite a surprise when we tuned in Monday night.

With a colorful cast, including Romeo, Christy Alley, Kendra Wilkinson, Sugar Ray

Leonard, Chelsea Kane, Chris Jerico, Hines Ward, Petra Nemcova, Mike Catherwood, Ralph Macchio, and Wendy Williams, the show’s producers needed one more contestant to fill the last spot.

Much to everyone’s surprise, “Dancing with the Stars” brought their talent search to our very own Grant High school. After much debate, they chose Mr. Tyni as their final contestant.

PHOTO BY MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER Hovanes Mestdzhyan and Jen Sagastume partner up for a tango during a hardearned break from practicing for their upcoming Jeopardy match against AcaDeca.

With his hair slicked back into a firm pompadour, Mr. Tyni wowed the judges.

Our hilarious Assistant Principal glided onto the dance floor to ace his cha-cha-cha, sporting a slim-fitted, glittery, sequined pantsuit ensemble.

He looked dashing next to his stellar partner, Edyata Sliwinskaya.

Though Mr. Tyni’s talent is undeniable, he tripped over Edyata’s foot in the first thirty seconds of the routine.

It was when Edyata placed her right foot forward, and Mr. Tyni was supposed to place his right foot backward, but instead, out of sheer excitement, he made a forward movement and POW – he stepped on her perfectly manicured toes.

Luckily for Mr. Tyni, Edyata has toes of steel, and, courageously, they moved on through the performance with ease. Mr. Tyni was able to get back up and shake his hips like there was no tomorrow.

Mr. Tyni’s performance was anything but tiny; in true showman style, he did everything big. He enthralled the audience with his swift and flamboyant hand movements.

His show-stopping grin, with his beautiful, white smile, won over the audience.

Instead of counting the classic beat in his head, or reciting, “slow, then slow, then quick-quick and slow” to himself, he bravely sang

PHOTO BY MIRVAT HARIRI Grant students Ahmad Goss and Jennifer Velasquez can’t stop twirling. Like so many others, they are completely and obsessively caught up in the ballroom dancing craze.

along with the heart-stopping cha-cha rendition of Michael Bublé’s “Sway.”

The very next day, a bright and early Tuesday, we noticed that many students at Grant High School were partnering up with their friends, taking turns practicing dance moves on the quad stage.

Already, Grant students have become so completely

ballroom dance obsessed.

They are so crazed after Mr. Tyni’s performance, that they even practiced their dance moves during class.

Some students who call themselves Team Tyni are planning to set up a large viewing area every Monday night in Grant Hall so they can screen “Dancing with the Stars” live and support Mr. Tyni together.

Mr. Tyni makes headlines with his fashionable ensemble Mr. Tyni shows off his superb dance moves that he honed in disco parlors during the 1970s. Ballroom dancing is a big step up for Tyni, but lately he has improved his conditioning and is stocking up on hair gel so he can do justice to those new, flashy, sequined pants.

CARTOON BY PERCY ALANIA

Grant High School Odditty Page 4

X-TREME SPORTS

April 1, 2011

Mrs. Lasarow appointed track coach after long hiatus in XTREME high-jumping, relinquishes Journalism to new teacher

By JAZMINE SANCHEZ AND JENNIFER SAGASTUME

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Mrs. Lasarow makes a daredevil of a jump over one of Grant’s benches. Over the past week, students have been delighted to catch glimpses of her skills across campus.

Throughout the centuries there have been few famous X-TREME high-jumping allstars who have graced us with their presence: Blanka Vlasic, Wilt Chamberlain, and, more recently, Leanne Lasarow.

Yes, you heard it here first; our very own Grant Magnet teacher is a famous all-star high-jumper. When we discovered that Mrs. Lasarow is known as one of the best highjumpers of all time, we decided to interview her and were surprised by our findings.

One hundred and three years ago, when Mrs. Lasarow was born, her mother instantly knew that baby Mrs. Lasarow had talent. Mrs. Lasarow’s mother would look at her baby’s legs and say, “My child has legs of a champion!”

Thus started the training of a lifetime, and to this day you can find Mrs. Lasarow high jumping over Grant High School benches.

When it became clear to Mrs. Lasarow’s mother that she simply could not keep up with such an intense athletic regimen, she placed Mrs. La-

sarow in Foster care. The first day Coach Foster laid eyes on her, he said, “You’re going to be a star one day.”

After many grueling hours of training Mrs. Lasarow, Coach Foster had to set her free. Much to his disappointment, she had chosen a different path. She decided to ditch the running shoes and become a teacher.

Fifty years after Coach Foster and Mrs. Lasarow said their good byes, they encountered each other again on the grounds of Grant High school.

After years of consideration and countless apologies on Mrs. Lasarow’s part, Coach Foster has finally offered Mrs. Lasarow the position of track coach. She accepted with delight and has given up her journalism class.

After telling us her life story, Mrs. Lasarow told us she will be holding track tryouts on the field on April 18th.

A large turnout of students is expected at tryouts, as everyone is excited to learn from the grand high-jump master, Mrs. Lasarow.

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ A firm handshake between old friends makes Mrs. Lasarow’s position as track coach official. Coach Foster finally forgave Mrs. Lasarow for giving up her athletic dreams.

Exclusive: Secrets of X-TREME fence-climbing society

By JAZMINE SANCHEZ AND JENNIFER SAGASTUME One of the biggest secrets of Grant High has finally been revealed. A secret society of fence-climbing students has agreed to tell us all about their exclusive club.

The infamous team captain, Hovanes John Mestdzhyan, can climb a fence over 10 feet in less than six seconds.

We eagerly asked him to share with us the history of this astounding extreme sport.

“Well everything I am about to tell you has never been spoken of,” Mestdzhyan said with a smirk on his face. “It’s very sacred to us. Ever since the first fences were put up, people were confined and felt

trapped. Luckily, a former student and our founding father, Tom Selleck, came up with a plan and gathered a team.”

Mestdzhyan explained that the team consisted of the most cunning ditchers. All together, the ditchers came up with this fence-climbing sport, and ever since that day, the sport has be-

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Helmets and knee-pads are essential to any fence-climbing aficionado’s outfit. Though club members claim the sport is safe, they warned amateurs to stay on the ground.

PHOTO BY JAZMINE SANCHEZ Members of Grant’s secret fence-climbing society scale their favorite practice barricade, located on the Senior Lawn. Mr. Renderos and other administrators fail to notice the club’s antics as they are distracted by strategically placed, infamous ditchers.

come widely known throughout high schools nationwide.”

Jennifer Sagastume, a star member of the team, said there is only one rule to fenceclimbing, which is “NEVER get caught!”

“We hardly ever get caught,” Sagastume divulged, “especially since we have our own method.” She explained that they “distract the deans and staff, like Mr. Renderos,

by getting the students who always cut class to walk by the deans.” Meanwhile, the team members climb the towering fences right under the noses of the administrators.

This sport has turned around the lives of many teens, as it is a great way to tone arm muscles. Now that this secret has been revealed, students will have to find a new way to distract the deans.