IS BEDTIME A BATTLEFIELD? Reflections on times when children

If bedtime is a battlefield, take heart, you’re not alone. But just because it happens to all parents at some point, it really doesn’t have to be that hard every single night. Let’s look at why it happens and what you can do about it.

Why do they test us so?

If bedtime with your child has turned into to a bit of a battle that lasts for an hour or so, chances are you’re being tested. This testing often starts in toddlerhood, but it can continue well into school age, if you let it. And playing bedtime battlefield is just too hard when you are also tired.

Rest assured, testing is a normal part of being a child. This is how your little one, or not so little one, finds out where the boundaries are and knows what is expected of him or her. So, test you they will. But that doesn’t mean that you have to pander to every whim they have. Even if it initially seems that way.

It really is a rollercoaster ride!

I often use the analogy of a rollercoaster to explain the testing children display in toddlerhood, or when they’re anxious, or in the teen years. When you get on a rollercoaster there is a safety belt - and most of us test this safety belt before the rollercoaster starts. We’re not testing the belt in the hope it will move or break – we’re testing it in the hope that it stays secure. And this is why our children test us. They want to feel safe. They want that belt to hold. That happens when the rules are still the rules and the expectations stay the same, even when these are tested. Hold firm and watch them settle down at bedtime. As a parent, you are the safety belt on your child’s rollercoaster life.

Is that enough to stop all the bedtime battles? Maybe. Or maybe not. Humans are complex creatures. Your child also loves your attention.

Power and attention.

It’s no secret that all children crave power and attention – and bedtime is their chance to receive it from you; especially if they haven’t seen you sufficiently during the day. Any attention is attention, so if their frequent requests for water, or a toilet trip or they’re hot, or cold, or there’s a spider, or a shadow, or a monster, or they forgot to pat the cat – or heaven forbid, lost their cuddly… the list is endless. If any of that behaviour gains your attention – then that behaviour will continue. Simply because you’ve given it attention – it becomes a fun game. But what can you do about it?

Beating the bedtime battlefield.

While you may not be able to stop all the testing, chances are you will be asked for ‘one more book’, or ‘one more cuddle’ – you can ensure it blows over very quickly

by following these tips:

• Time bedtime correctly: If your child is under tired or overtired there will be a lot more attention seeking.

• Keep that bedtime routine

consistent: Tighten up the boundaries and stick to your guns.

You may get more playing up initially, but it will settle down when your child knows what to expect.

• Allow limited choices in the

bedtime routine: Use ‘this or that’ options to give your child that sense of control and autonomy they crave, but on your terms. • Be prepared: If you child always asks for water, have them keep a water bottle in their room. If they need to go the toilet, make sure that this is part of their bedtime routine. Have the PJ options ready to go before you start the bedtime routine. Know where their cuddly is!

• Be clear on what you expect your child to do at bedtime:

Be prepared to repeat this until they understand it. A visual chart outlining the expectations can be really helpful too. • Stick to those rules: Make them black and white. Don’t change them, even though there will be times when you’re tempted.

• Plan in advance: Prepare to be tested and know what you will do in that circumstance. Have your limited choices pre-planned. Know what you need to repeat until your child understands it. And then follow through. Follow these tips and you’ll find the bedtime battles blow over and peace will reign once more.

These tips have been written on the premise that your child is at ‘that’ developmental stage, but also that your child knows how to settle themselves to sleep, which is important as they grow older. If they can’t do that, then there will be more anxiety in the picture, and probably more testing than usual. If you need a little more help – there’s no harm in reaching out. There’s nothing I like more than helping another parent get their peaceful evenings back.

Kim Corley is a certified baby and child sleep consultant with a Bachelor of Science in psychology and pharmacology. She is also a Mum who believes in the healing power of sleep and has helped numerous families solve their sleep issues over the years. Book a free call to learn more about her sleep packages:You can contact Kim via her website.

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