REWIND: 1975
The great Patti Smith is so great we featured her in duplicate on the cover in the ‘70s.
UPFRONT
A PASTOR WHO BOUGHT A FORMER STRIP CLUB TO TURN INTO A CHURCH IS THE NEWEST (AND MOST UNIQUE) TENANT IN CLEVELAND’S ADULT DISTRICT
IF CLEVELAND HAS A SEX District, it’s nestled around roughly ten blocks of St. Clair Avenue.
You have small-stage strip clubs like the Crazy Horse off East 14th, the pocket-sized Emperor’s on the edge of Historic Chinatown. There’s gay outposts like the Leather Stallion off East 22nd, the private cabanas at Flex Spas off East 26th. Your BYOB sex clubs awash in red neon and orchestral moaning, Club Eros and Club Escape, off East 38th. Your kink play parties and BDSM rope groups, near East 33rd, at the Cleveland Academy of Fetish Arts.
And there, right smack dab in the middle, is Pastor Josh Miller and his non-denominational Cove City Church.
For the past three years, Miller has operated a thriving ministry with a congregation of about 80 out of a black-and-beige-stucco building off East 24th and St. Clair that neighbors car detailers, a firefighter’s union, a former underground rave house and the Magic City Strip Club.
Cove City’s move to a neighborhood it doesn’t ostensibly seem to belong in is in no way a byproduct of chance or information withheld by a realtor. Miller, who relocated Cove City to St. Clair from Case Western’s campus during the pandemic, said he intentionally set up his ministry on a street apparently devoid of religiosity.
“Our vision has always been to go into places where churches don’t normally or won’t go to,” Miller, 41, told Scene, standing in Cove’s black-box auditorium space. “We weren’t interested in going to suburbia or going into a safe place.”
“We were more interested in focusing on, ‘Where’s the need? And where is God calling us?’”
A large and vacated Cleveland strip club, apparently.
Next door to Cove City’s current space at 2439 St. Clair is a gargantuan warehouse that used to house The Velvet Rope, a strip club that shuttered in 2015. In 2023, Miller raised some $125,000
to buy the building in a County Sheriff’s auction (on Good Friday), space that will help extend and fine-tune Cove’s greater mission: create coffee-shop jobs for area strippers that seek a life out of the industry.
Although Cove’s expansion will take years to achieve (Miller does construction work by day), the church is already laying groundwork for Miller’s attempt to purify St. Clair. Once a month, an outreach team—Cove’s “strip club ministry”—walks up and down the street, making their spiritual presence known to denizens of the Sex District.
Hannah Voss co-leads the socalled strip club ministry with RAHAB, an anti-sex trafficking group based in Canton. Every third Friday, Voss and her group knock on doors offering girls gift bags them in back rooms, where they’ll “hold hands and pray” with dancers before their shift.
“I’m not trying to get them out of the club personally,” Voss, who works as a therapist, told Scene. “I’m just trying to show them Jesus, and show them that there’s a person there to support them.”
Voss said she’s well aware of possible preachy overtones.
“You have girls that want nothing to do with you,” she said. “Then, you have those who, as soon as they see you, run up, give you a big hug, and say, ‘I’ve got so much to tell you!’”
Mack, a manager of Emperor’s Gentleman’s Club, smiled fondly when he was reminded of Cove City’s outreach.
“Oh, they come in here, oh yeah,” he told Scene, sitting at Emperor’s bar as two girls in pink lingerie danced on stage behind him. “They bring the girls goodie bags from Bath & Body Works. They love ‘em.”
When asked if he felt Cove City was slyly trying to coax his staff into a possible transition to Miller’s coffee shop, Mack rubbed his chin.
“I never thought of that,” he said. “I don’t know. It’s weird.”
From a neighborhood perspective, Cove City fits into a
narrative of Midtown and St. ClairSuperior slowly inching out of its identity as a ghost town industrial hub by day, illicit place-to-be by night.
It’s a narrative both private and public. Coffee shops, like the Green Coat Café, or new fleet of office space, like CrossCountry Mortgage office building, have popped up just south of St. Clair. Plans for two new cycle tracks to run close by have been pushed by City Hall.
In 2021, the St. Clair-Superior Development Corporation released a three-year plan highlighting
its intention to reshape the area’s livability. It wanted to “increase accessibility and walkability.” To prop up “unique small businesses, entrepreneurs, manufacturers and ‘repurpose’-focused businesses.”
An identity Cove’s neighbors said they’re open to.
“When I found out it was a church, I thought, ‘Huh, that’s kind of weird,’” David Moore, who owns a car detailing business down the street, told Scene. “But getting to know Josh? I mean, I’ve been there. My mother’s been there. I had my dad’s funeral there. If you go on
Cove City Pastor Josh Miller.|Photo by Mark Oprea
a Sunday—he fills that church. People love him.”
On a recent tour of Cove City, Miller spoke patiently about what a church could do in a place unfamiliar to it. There were toys to hand out to kids. An area out back where new believers are baptized.
And, of course, the space next door, where Miller foresees a bigger auditorium, a grander stage, that coffee shop run by those, he half joked, “in a different kind of service industry.”
He used Cove’s Merry Mart, the Christmas giveaway, as proof. “For us, it’s a visual,” he said. “It’s good visual and reminder of, like, this is a street now that is filled with hope and joy and love.”
“Not, you know,” he added, “all sorts of other activities.”
All that’s left, in Voss’ purview, is to choose a name for the café.
Two things came to mind: The Biblical tale of Rahab, a prostitute who rescued spies during the Battle of Jericho; and the strip club where, one day, Cove will discuss Rahab on a new stage.
“She was a prostitute who put a scarlet cord inside her window to be saved,” Voss said. “You had The Velvet Rope! And now we could call it The Scarlet Cord! How ironic would that be?” – Mark Oprea
Cleveland Made a Multi-Million Dollar Push to Modernize 311 Service. Now More People Using
It
Fix a pothole. Repair a cemetery headstone. Clean up broken glass in the street. Sweep up sidewalk trash. Restore downed traffic lights.
Did you know the city will do this, and 47 other tasks, for you if you ask them?
And it’s all improving after long overdue attention this year.
City Hall has allocated $4 million to not only modernize Cleveland’s 311 system, in its first major upgrade to the service that since 2009 had run solely on phone calls, emails and even snail mail, but to advertise the service so residents will actually use it.
In September, Cleveland’s Department of Urban Innovation & Analytics debuted a new web portal and an accompanying $696,595 ad campaign that has included billboards, swag and stickers, to better connect pothole and overflowing trash bin complaints with the clean-up crews tasked with remedying them.
Which begs the question: Was the $2 million spent so far on the
upgrade and ads worth it?
Elizabeth Crowe, the head of Urban Innovation and lead on the 311 upgrade, said yes. Twenty to 30 percent of all 311 requests in the past two months, she said, have been routed first through the online portal.
“I would say we’re doing really well,” Crowe told Scene. “Our call volumes have been really steady.”
According to Cleveland’s Open Data Portal, Crowe is right in historical terms. After a summertime peak, 311 requests reached 5,530 in September— the month the site debuted—yet dropped to 4,935 in October.
That drop in calls is normal for fall-time City Hall, and it’s much lower than 2023 numbers, where October requests were almost 1,000 calls fewer than last month.
A general spike Crowe ascribes to the city’s first-ever 311 marketing campaign, where billboards and bus station ads reminded Clevelanders they could get potholes fixed or dead animals picked up.
Scene tried out the new system, and filed, around noon on November 22, a request to clean up trash and debris in Perk Plaza. The request was still “open” as of Tuesday afternoon; no email confirmations or “pending” notices were sent either. (Most requests take at most 10 days to complete, the portal says.)
But Crowe argued that the efficiency of the upgrade lied in the modern way requests are now sorted, by forwarding 311 asks— like Scene’s trash pick-up—directly to the right departments and employees.
“Each form goes directly to the foreman of the crew that manages the work or the chief building inspector, if it’s Building & Housing, who’s specifically responsible for doing that work,” she said. “It goes from our 311 system right into their work order management system.”
Broken glass on sidewalks or fallen branches downtown head straight, she said, to Downtown Cleveland, Inc.’s Ambassadors. Grass cutting to maintenance workers. Overflowing trash bins to clean-up crews in Ohio City. And so on.
Crowe said that she envisions at least a part of the remaining $2.1 million being spent on developing an 311 app, like New York City and Boston have, to make it even easier for Clevelanders to send requests.
Yet, a lot of 311’s effectiveness will show over the next half year
or so, as the new website proves its worth for the incoming Department of Innovation & Technology, which will assume Crowe’s department next year. As 311, as Crowe admitted, doesn’t work if Clevelanders don’t have faith in its efficacy.
Or that it exists in the first place.
“‘I didn’t realize we did all this in the first place.’ That’s been a big hole for us at City Hall,” Crowe said.
“And we’re just saying to our residents: ‘Call us for this stuff,’” she added. “Tell us there’s a dead animal. Call us. Go online. But just tell us.” – Mark Oprea
Atlas Obscura Names Ohio One of Top 20 Places to Visit in 2025
Laos, Paraguay, South Korea, Sierra Leon, Kazakhstan... Ohio?
The Buckeye State might feel out of place in a list such as that one without context, but it fits right in according to Atlas Obscura, which included our lovely state as one of the 20 destinations in its Where to Wander list for 2025.
Ours is a “state brimming with Rust Belt pride, pierogies, and things that go bump in the night,” Atlas Obscura wrote.
It’s unclear whether the latter is a reference to spooky tourism destinations or the backroom communications between the Statehouse and FirstEnergy, but we’ll take it.
After all, Ohio is, as Gov. Mike DeWine triumphantly announced in a tourism slogan rebranding in 2023, the “Heart of It All,” and if that includes historic corporate bribery scandals as well as the world’s largest basket of apples, all the better for visitors to bask in both the natural wonders and unique malfeasance offered by this magnificent state.
Here’s the Where to Wander Ohio rundown:
“Imagine a U.S. state with islands, white sand beaches, astounding cave systems, and peaceful nature trails. Imagine that same state is home to spinetingling urban legends, one of the best amusement parks in the world, historic marketplaces, and a free art museum with a collection to rival the Met’s. Lucky for us, this isn’t a fictional wonderland: Welcome to Ohio, the Midwest’s overlooked gem.
“From the get-go, these lands were a place of innovation and quirkiness. Some 2,000 years
ago, the Hopewell civilization built elaborate ceremonial earthworks here (one of the only UNESCO World Heritage sites in the Midwest) to track solstices and lunar cycles. Fast-forward to 1803, and Ohio was declared a state (but, due to congressional oversight, only officially became a state in 1953). Since then, Ohio has witnessed the birth of the Wright brothers, Neil Armstrong, and even sharpshooter Annie Oakley.
“Those new to Buckeye State should start in Cleveland or Cincinnati. Cleveland is a city of vibrant neighborhoods (check out Tremont, Ohio City, University Circle, and quaint Chagrin Falls) and historic marvels (such as Ohioan John D. Rockefeller’s arcade). It’s home to the Cleveland Art Museum with works by Vincent Van Gogh, Picasso, and Caravaggio; the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame; and the 1912 West Side Market packed with regional eats like pierogies and pączki (Polish doughnuts).
“Slightly smaller than Cleveland, Cincinnati feels like a tiny San Francisco thanks to its many hills and historic architecture. Climb to the top of Mount Adams for sweeping views next to a 19thcentury Catholic church or visit the Over-the-Rhine neighborhood dotted with local shops and eateries, including the 1852 Fidlay Market.
“Then hit the road to explore Ohio’s natural wonders, quirky towns, and unexpected islands. From Cleveland, visit the beaches and ancient glacial grooves on Kelleys Island in Lake Erie, uncover the ghostly tales of the Ohio State Reformatory and Helltown, or explore the small town of Sugarcreek, the so-called “Little Switzerland of Ohio.” From Cincinnati, search nearby Loveland for its human-frog cryptid, the Frogman, hike Hocking Hills State Park to find a waterfall cascading through a cave’s opening, or venture (if you dare) to the former Athens Lunatic Asylum. And don’t forget the odd castle or two.”
Selections in the compilation promise “fewer crowds, remarkable surprises, and more chances to connect with locals rather than tourists.”
A tip for visitors: The easiest way to spot a local is looking for anyone wearing a Cleveland or Ohio t-shirt. The regularly dressed folks are tourists. – Vince Grzegorek
FEATURE THE WORST OF CLEVELAND
And the losers are…
By Scene Staff
WELCOME TO OUR SEMI-REGULAR feature wherein we celebrate all manner of self-absorption, depravity, failure, incompetence, mediocrity and those doing their best to return Cleveland to the depths of big-city shame.
Consider this a year-end palate cleanser as the calendar turns and we collectively set our sights on resolutions to improve in 2025. Let us huff and puff, rant and rave, denote and catalogue just some of the people and things that rattle our cages and infuriate the masses. It’s healthy. A civic rage room, but a good and righteous one, not like an Ohio City block club meeting about a possible homeless shelter in the neighborhood.
As some readers might remember, in years past this feature has gone by a different and perhaps more appropriate name – the Art Modell Awards, so it’s only fitting to begin with…
Jimmy Haslam
It takes a unique blend of skill, dedication and intention to stand out as a shitheel amongst a group of people as universally committed to malfeasance and greed as billionaires. But, to Jimmy Haslam’s credit, he’s done just that with both aplomb and regularity. Just consider the last few years and the absolute heater Jimmy’s been on: Engineering the single worst trade in NFL history for a guy who has ended up with more settled civil sexual assault lawsuits than wins, torpedoing multiple seasons with him under center, and following it all up with plans to leave the city of Cleveland proper the lakefront to build a dome an architect recently described as “a suburban Walmart in a gaming PC costume” next to the airport while attempting to extract hundreds
of millions of dollars of taxpayer money for personal benefit all under the guise of “public-private” partnership. Hoo boy. We need not even get into Pilot Flying J or the blind and extravagant financial support of every shitty Republican who comes crawling out of Trump’s asscrack to come to the conclusion there’s a cancerous barnacle on the Browns and he’s the guy in charge.
Route 82, Strongsville
There are those who would say Royalton Rd. in Strongsville is a wasteland of suburbia, a planning disaster of epic proportions where endless concrete meets more endless concrete, a shining example of soulless Anytown America filled with a string of bland chains where any semblance of charm has been systematically banished in favor of architectural and cultural dereliction, a triumph of sprawl and North Star of the middling that’s home base for the Strongsville GOP, a group that would gladly secede from Ohio on the grounds that the Republican-dominated state doesn’t lean right enough. People who say such things would be right.
Progressive Field SelfCheckout Kiosks
Are Paul and Larry Dolan unaware that UPC codes and self-checkout systems managed by weight exist, and have for years? The answer appears to be no, unbelievably, as the self-checkout kiosks at Progressive Field are operated not by tried and trusted technology widely available at gas stations and grocery stores but by touchscreens where fans are challenged to hunt and peck for their desired items amidst a maddening array of categories, all with the added humiliation and pressure of doing so in front of workers tasked with watching you while they could simply be scanning your tall boys and peanuts in an efficient manner. An added bonus and fuck you for installing them in The Corner facing the sun, which beats down with a glare strong enough to produce a third-degree sunburn and relegates the screens to useless shadow boxes. Kudos to you on your labor cost savings, good sirs.
436
Three little digits shouldn’t be able to upend the identity of a region, but that’s exactly what’s happening. Northeast Ohio’s new area code, which began its rollout in March, arrived as 440
was beginning to run out of available numbers and… we simply don’t like it. It doesn’t have the pedigree of 216. It doesn’t have the harmonious rhythm of 440 or 330. It instead has a bit of all three of them, like a feral, mangy dog trying to fit in at the National Dog Show. You may not have encountered the beast out in the wild yet, but you will, and it will confuse you at first, as you ask is that an Alabama area code by chance, or perhaps, Florida, and then sicken you as you realize it’s “local.”
Economic Impact Studies
Just a few days after the Rock Hall hosted the 2024 inductions at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, Rock Hall President & CEO Greg Harris announced that the event created $50 million in economic impact for Cleveland. That is an astounding number. It’s also simply a horseshit stat, the same brand of malarky found in every study trotted out to justify and inflate the importance of venues and events. Consider the Rock Hall’s number in the context of an economic impact study commissioned by City Hall on the financial role of the Browns playing downtown. That survey found that the team playing in the current lakefront stadium brings in $30 million a year. A year! Whether it’s the
Illustration by Zacharia Nelson
film fest, the Guardians, the Cleveland Clinic or the Metroparks, the studies and their attendant, gigantic numbers celebrated in glowing headlines are ludicrous public relations ploys deserving nothing but your skepticism.
Hopkins Airport
It’s not your imagination. Cleveland’s airport is exactly as shitty as you think it is, and everyone agrees. The latest JD Power annual survey of airports found that Hopkins has all the charms, convenience and amenities of a Best Western hosting a mid-level regional car insurance conference. Cleveland’s airport came in dead last -- 15th out of 15, scoring just 580 points out of a possible 1,000 -- for medium-sized airports, trailing Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Columbus and Cincinnati. With abysmally long TSA lines, perpetually disgusting bathrooms, parking headaches, and all the closed-in, beige ambience you could ask for, survey respondents echoed what Clevelanders and those passing through Hopkins have long known. Oh, and enjoy your connection on the way to your final destination while all your friends in real cities enjoy a direct flight because Cleveland doesn’t even rank in the top 50 for airports with the most direct routes.
Cashless Venues
During the height of the pandemic, many restaurants, vendors and concert/sporting venues went cashless. But even though the pandemic has subsided, many venues have remained cashless. Cash is not king at places such as Progressive Field, Huntington Bank Field, Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, Blossom (which is “mostly cashless”), Jacobs Pavilion (which “primarily operates on a cashless basis”), Playhouse Square and the Agora. The cashless policy hurts consumers who prefer to tip bartenders and servers with cash (you can still do that, but you have to remember to bring one and five dollar bills with you because you won’t receive any change for your purchases at the venue), and it hurts bartenders and servers, who generally prefer cash because they get paid out that night and don’t have to wait
for their check. Not everyone has credit cards and/or bank accounts, which means they just get boned on top of already having issues.
Judge Leslie Celebrezze
Cuyahoga County Domestic Relations Judge Leslie Ann Celebrezze is facing the ire of the Ohio Disciplinary Counsel and an investigation by the FBI for allegedly steering lucrative divorce cases to her long-time personal friend Mark Dottore. A misconduct complaint from state investigators accuses her of ignoring court rules in getting high-dollar cases into her courtroom and appointing Dottore, who investigators say she has an amorous relationship with, as receiver. A private investigator provided video of them kissing, and colleagues say she openly admitted she was in love with him. Her defense? She kisses everyone and she loves him as a friend. Meanwhile, couples entering her courtroom have been fleeced out of hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees, according to the complaint. In a county with as long a history of judicial misconduct as Cuyahoga, Celebrezze has proudly carried the banner of abdicating truth and justice.
Ticket Fees
As if concert, theater and sports tickets weren’t already expensive enough, venues in Cleveland add on fees that really gouge the consumer. For example, if you wanted to go see rapper Tyler, the Creator when he brings his anticipated Chromakopia Tour to Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse in June, you’d have to shell out at least $69.50 for a ticket located way up in Loudville. A handling free and service fee would tack on another $17.54 to the total. If you wanted to spring for the $275 VIP ticket, the fees become more exorbitant and amount to $46.35. Once fees are added, a $75 ticket to see indie rockers the Magnetic Fields in April at the Agora becomes almost $100. And platinum tickets to see comedian Jeff Jefferies at the State Theatre in January come with a $21 service fee. Tickets to see the city’s professional sports teams all come with various fees. The problem has become so widespread that the federal government has filed
a civil antitrust lawsuit against Live Nation Entertainment Inc. and Ticketmaster LLC. Independent concert venues such as the Beachland Ballroom & Tavern, the Grog Shop and Mahall’s 20 Lanes have partnered with smaller ticket agencies to try to keep additional charges to a minimum, but the fees for a $20 ticket still come out to about $5, or 25 percent of the cost of the ticket. And with most venue box offices offering reduced or nonexistent hours, it has become all but impossible to circumvent the price gouging. Folks, we’re fucking tired of it.
MetroHealth Leadership
There was a time not too long ago when the very idea of Metro’s reputation being anything but sterling would be comical. Well, welcome to 2024. Turmoil has engulfed the hospital’s top ranks after the board fired not just one but two CEOs and the litigation and nastiness that has dominated the last few years promises to continue. Ohio Auditor Keith Faber’s office recently released a report that found that Akram Boutros didn’t break any criminal laws by giving himself lavish bonuses that the hospital claimed it wasn’t aware of, the reason they whacked him. Meanwhile, Boutros has refiled a lawsuit against the hospital and board claiming wrongful termination, arguing the board simply didn’t understand its own compensation policies. Years of litigation await on that front, along with enormous attorney fees and recurring nightmarish headlines. But hey, at least they hired and fired his successor in Airica Steed, citing a failure of leadership among other issues, and are mired in a stalemate of negotiations in how much to pay her for her troubles. If this was a football team and not a hospital, Clevelanders would be banging down the doors demanding change.
The Cuyahoga County Juvenile Justice System
Juvenile crime remains a plague on the city and region, and Cleveland’s hardly alone in dealing with the problem. But those tasked with ensuring justice and rehabilitation in Cuyahoga County have failed in ways too numerous to document and compounded the mess.
Where to start? A Marshall Project story found that more than 1,200 children since 2020 have been defended by court-appointed lawyers who lacked state-mandated qualifications. The same outlet found that judges have steered two-thirds of all cases in a single year to just 10 lawyers, leading to dockets and workloads that in no way serve those accused of crimes. Is there hope? An inaugural Cuyahoga County Council Juvenile Court Advisory Subcommittee has been tasked with figuring out what means there are to fix systemic issues, such as the disproportionate number of Black youths whose cases are bound over to adult court. (Cuyahoga County leads Ohio in the number of discretionary bindovers.) Simply put, Cleveland is failing its children.
Scene
We’re a liberal trash rag. We’re not liberal enough. We maake too many typos. We didn’t love your favorite restaurant. We have no taste. We like shit music. We didn’t write the story the way you would have. We used to be better during the Voice Media Days. We used to hire real reporters. We used to have more than a couple reporters. We don’t print enough copies. We used to run letters to the editor like a real newspaper. We used to cover important stories. We should have closed instead of the Free Times. We sound like bad AI. We hear you Cleveland, and by that we mean we see your comments on social media when you’re at your most unfettered and mean, and this list simply wouldn’t be complete without your input. We get it, Scene sucks.
Honorable Mentions:
Blaine Griffin, Judge Timothy Grendell, Portage County Sheriff Bruce Zuchowski, That One Guy You Hate, HOAs, People Who Litter, Jake Paul, Skyline Chili for Never Opening That Restaurant on Tiedeman, Low Voter Turnout in Cleveland, Bernie Moreno, Cleveland.com, I-490 Construction, Bratenahl Police.
GET OUT Everything to do in Cleveland for the next two weeks
WED 12/04
Black Nativity
Way back in 1961, Russell and Rowena Jelliffe, founders of Karamu House, commissioned Langston Hughes to write Black Nativity. The retelling of the Nativity Story using gospel music became a hit. It returns to the Hanna Theatre tonight at 7:30. Performances continue through Dec. 15. 2067 East 14th St., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
Christmas Around the World
This special event that takes place from today through Jan. 4 will feature a tubing hill, a miniature golf course, entertainment, a 52-foot Christmas tree and a special Glockenspiel adapted for the holiday season. Today’s hours are noon to 9 p.m. Check the website for additional hours and more information. 2009 Baseball Blvd., Avon, 440-9343636, christmasatw.com.
A Christmas Story
The Cleveland Play House’s production of A Christmas Story rides a two-hour wave of intricate details to unerringly establish the period and to help even the youngest patrons make the leap back to a time before televisions were omnipresent and cowboy hero Red Ryder was king of the wireless. Today’s performance takes place at 7:30 at the Mimi Ohio Theatre. Performances continue through Dec. 22. 1511 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
The Hip Hop Nutcracker
Billed as a “holiday mash-up for the entire family,” this “remixed” version of The Nutcracker arrives at Connor Palace tonight at 7. A dozen all-star dancers, a DJ and a violinist will perform. MC Kurtis Blow will open the show with a short set.
1615 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
Twas the Night Before Christmas by Cirque du Soleil
Expect acrobats and dancers as Cirque du Soleil takes on the traditional Christmas story for this special performance that takes place tonight at 7 at the State Theatre. Performances continue through Dec. 15.
1519 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
THU 12/05
Cavaliers vs. Denver Nuggets
Tonight at 7 at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, the Cavs take on the Denver Nuggets, one of the best teams in the Western Conference thanks to the dominant big man, Nikola Jokić. One Center Court, 216-420-2000, rocketmortgagefieldhouse.com.
A Christmas Carol Great Lakes Theatre revives its rendition of the Charles Dickens classic about an ornery miser named Scrooge. Today’s performance takes place at 7:30 p.m. at the Mimi Ohio Theatre,
and the play runs through Dec. 22. 1501 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
Scrooge!
This musical adaptation of the Charles Dickens classic runs three weekends at Near West Theatre. The musical’s scenic design will emphasize class structures and societal divisions. Performances take place at 7:30 tonight and continue through Dec. 8. 6702 Detroit Rd., 216-961-6391, nearwesttheatre.org.
FRI 12/06
Adele Givens
Known as the “Queen of Comedy,” Adele Givens uses her crass sense of humor to focus on everyday situations such as marriage, going to the gynecologist, and picking baby names. She also examines double standards. She performs tonight at 7 and 9:30 tonight at the Funny Bone, where she has shows scheduled through Dec. 8. 1148 Main Ave., 216-696-4677, cleveland.funnybone.com.
The Jinkx & DeLa Holiday Show
The self-proclaimed “Queens of Christmas” bring their new holiday-themed variety show to Connor Palace. The event begins at 8 p.m. 1615 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
Monsters vs. Syracuse Crunch
At 7 tonight and tomorrow night at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, the Monsters play the Syracuse Crunch. As part of a regular Friday promotion, there will be discounted concessions at tonight’s game.
One Center Court, 216-420-2000, rocketmortgagefieldhouse.com.
SAT 12/07
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Rocky Horror Picture Show, the 1975 film that still draws an exuberant, costumed crowd that likes to throw rice and dry toast and sing along to the songs in the movie, still draws big crowds to local showings. Expect a throng to show up for tonight’s screening that takes place at 9:30 p.m. at the Cedar Lee Theatre in Cleveland Heights. Tickets cost $12. 2163 Lee Rd., Cleveland Heights, 440528-0355, clevelandcinemas.com.
SUN 12/08
Matteo Bocelli — A Night with Matteo Earlier this year, singer-songwriter Matteo Bocelli gave a rousing performance at the 96th Academy Awards for a special rendition of “Time To Say Goodbye” with his father, Andrea Bocelli. On tour in support of his debut album, Matteo, the singer performs tonight at 7:30 at MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage.
Matteo Bocelli comes to MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage. See: Sunday, Dec. 8.|Mattia Guolo
10705 Northfield Rd., Northfield, 330908-7793, mgmnorthfieldpark.mgmresorts.com/en.html.
TUE 12/10
Cavs vs. TBD
The Cavs play an opponent to be determined as part of this tournament game that takes place at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse.
One Center Court, 216-420-2000, rocketmortgagefieldhouse.com.
WED 12/11
Cleveland Orchestra Holiday Concerts
Sarah Hicks conducts the Cleveland Orchestra for this special holiday concert. Singer Jimmie Herrod, the Cleveland Orchestra Chorus and the Blossom Festival Chorus will perform as well. Tonight’s concert takes place at 7:30 at Mandel Concert Hall, where performances continue through Dec. 22. 11001 Euclid Ave., 216-231-1111, clevelandorchestra.com.
Midnight Rental presents Secret Movie Night
Hosted by Lenora from the internet hit-series Midnight Rental, this movie night features what it deems to be the best in VHS horror, thriller and campy classics. The event begins tonight at 8 at the Grog Shop in Cleveland Heights, and the club will feature a special movie night menu for the event.
2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, 216-321-5588, grogshop.gs.
THU 12/12
Monsters vs. Lehigh Valley Phantoms
At 7 tonight and at 7:30 on Saturday night, the Monsters take on the Lehigh Valley Phantoms.
Saturday’s game will feature a special Fossil Faceoff.
One Center Court, 216-420-2000, rocketmortgagefieldhouse.com.
FRI 12/13
GlamGore: Hairy, Scary, & Feral Cleveland’s “Vixen of Versatility,” Anhedonia Delight, hosts this alternative and themed drag show series. Tonight’s performance takes place at 8:30 at the Grog Shop in Cleveland Heights. 2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, 216-321-5588, grogshop.gs.
The Nutcracker
Today at 7 p.m. at Connor Palace, Cleveland Ballet presents its rendition of the classic ballet that features music by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. Perfor-
mances continue through Dec. 22. 1615 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
SAT 12/14
Jingle Bell Holiday Shop
Local vendors will be on hand for this event that takes place from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. at both the Grog Shop and the B-Side Lounge in Cleveland Heights. 2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, 216-321-5588, grogshop.gs.
Scuba Claus Merry Meet & Greets
Scuba Claus Meet & Greets continue today at the Greater Cleveland Aquarium. The event includes full aquarium access, a winter-themed activity sheet, a candy cane and a commemorative digital photo. The event takes place from 8:30 to 10 a.m. today and tomorrow. 2000 Sycamore Street, 216-8628803, greaterclevelandaquarium.com.
SUN 12/15
Browns vs. Kansas City Chiefs
The Browns will undoubtedly have a hard time matching up against their best opponent of the season. The Kansas City Chiefs won last year’s Super Bowl and don’t appear to have lost a step this year. They play the Browns today at 1 p.m. at Huntington Bank Field. 100 Alfred Lerner Way, 440-8915000, huntingtonbankfield.
MON 12/16
The Rock Orchestra by Candlelight Fourteen classical musicians unleash “effortlessly enchanting melodies alongside powerful walls of distortion” for this special candlelight concert that takes place tonight at 8 at Mandel Concert Hall. 11001 Euclid Ave., 216-231-1111, clevelandorchestra.com.
TUE 12/17
Outlab: Experiments in Improvised Music
Musicians are invited to bring instruments or any sound making device (drum kit and keyboard provided) that can be used to explore collective group improvisation. Please bring your own amps if needed. The monthly session begins at 8 tonight at the Bop Stop. Admission is free.
2920 Detroit Ave., 216-771-6551, themusicsettlement.org.
LE MILIEU
Newly opened French restaurant La
Ville
Lumière could use some seasoning
By Douglas Trattner
DESPITE SOME EBBS AND flows, French bistros and brasseries never seem to go out of fashion. For eons, diners have been smitten by the elegant but relaxed atmosphere, the refined but approachable classics, and the professional yet unhurried service. The best places make it look effortless, fostering a celebratory vibe that goes well beyond the plate.
On paper, La Ville Lumière exhibits many of the hallmarks of the category. All the classic – if clichéd – brasserie dishes are here: oysters on the half, steak tartare, escargots, croque madame, duck confit, steak frites… In practice, however, the experience comes up a little short. Many dishes are delightful, while others miss the mark. Standing in contradiction to the white tablecloths and crystal stemware is a level of service that could use some polish.
Our meal for four began with a bang. We kicked off with flutes of sparkling wine ($10), bracing martinis ($15) and a warm, crunchy baguette ($16) served with plush folds of ham, ripe, stinky cheese and plenty of soft butter. We attempted to gild the lily with an order of gougères but were informed that the menu item had been permanently 86’d.
In no rush to move on from the grazing phase, we tossed in an order for a “butcher’s board” ($28), which established a precedent for the rest of the meal. Arranged atop a heavy stone slab that made passing a chore was an array of treats that included sliced salumi, earthy pistachio-studded terrine and golden-brown and crisp croquettes. Unlike the supple ham earlier, the hard salami was sliced too thickly, leaving it rawhidetough.
A lackluster sauce doomed an order of escargot ($18). In place of the characteristically sinful parsley-laced garlic butter – the only reason we eat snails! – was a dull and thin broth containing
a few slivers of garlic. When the mood struck to order a dozen oysters ($39), our server was unable to state the variety without a quick trek to the kitchen.
Had my wife’s French onion soup ($14) been delivered with a ladle and additional bowls, I’d have called it a tureen. Served in a two-handled, hat-sized copper pot, the portion literally could have served our entire table – if soup was an item that uncoupled people shared. Despite being some of the best French onion soup around, the majority of it went uneaten.
The portion size of the soup and pretty much every course that followed was a topic of conversation at the table. Words like “inelegant,” “overwrought” and “excessive” all were bandied about. When it comes to indulgent, high-fat foods, big usually is not better. (The reason the French don’t drop like flies is because they eat like birds!)
Hunter’s chicken ($24), presented in a hubcap-size skillet, features a juicy airline
chicken breast perched high atop a mountain of mashed potatoes. The chicken, potatoes and roasted veggies are bathed in a silky, enriched sauce. All the lovely “cherry glace de canard” in France couldn’t manage to rescue a woefully overcooked and dry duck breast ($36). Instead, we pointed our forks in the direction of the creamy risotto below that was loaded with golden oyster mushrooms.
In the “no-complaints” department is a vegetarian-friendly cacio e pepe-style linguini ($21) and a solid steak frites ($32). Ours was an expertly grilled and sliced 8-ounce strip steak sided by a mound of crispy standard-cut fries and choice of sauce. Bearnaise, naturally. Other cuts of beef, including a filet and long-bone ribeye, are available as well.
In addition to daily lunch and Saturday brunch, La Ville Lumière serves the full menu to any diner who sits down before midnight, a feature that deserves praise and
attention. We didn’t take our seats until 8:30, and apart from drinks and snacks, didn’t even bother looking at the menu for close to an hour. And yet we felt rushed by our server, who stopped by to take our dinner order with the steady frequency of a metronome. At meal’s end, our server failed to alert us to a 4-percent credit card fee (not that anyone walks around with enough cash to do anything about it) while simultaneously charging us for an extra martini. Until Clifton Martini & Wine Bar came along in 2010, 10427 Clifton Boulevard was best described as a restaurant-killer, laying waste to six separate concepts in about 15 years. Earlier this year chef Kevin O’Connell, who some might know from Cleveland Sandwich Co., set about converting the space into a Midwest version of French bistro. At present, that bistro could use a bit of refinement.
BITES
Whiskey Bar opening new Downtown location in Gateway District
By Douglas Trattner
EIGHT YEARS AGO, Jay and Jade Novak closed Café Bon Appetite, their health-focused café on Coventry, to make way for an intimate after-hours cocktail bar. The goal back then was to create a destination for mature guests who were interested in discovering fine whiskeys from around the world.
Since then, the Whiskey Bar (2767 Euclid Hts. Blvd., 216-321-1930) has grown its collection of spirits to a dizzying 500 labels, with bottles produced in America, Japan, Scotland, Ireland, Canada and other countries lining the shelves.
“Our variety – that’s our image, that’s our strength,” says Jay.
If you haven’t heard of the place, you’re not alone as the owners prefer to cultivate a word-of-mouth following. Whiskey aficionados who wish to sample the largest selection of brown booze in the region, however, know to make their way to a small, subterranean hideaway on Coventry Road.
For the past five months, the owners have been busy building a second home for Whiskey Bar (2123 East 2nd St.), this one located in the heart of the Gateway District. Like the original, the new property – formerly home to Primo African Quisine – enjoys a bit of seclusion, located on a quiet alleyway off the main drag.
That’s one of the things that attracted the Novaks to the project in the first place, adds Jay.
“It fits the Whiskey Bar vibe because we don’t like to be too exposed,” he says. “We like to be a little bit incognito. You know, a little bit on the sly.”
When it opens in early December, the downtown Whiskey Bar will be just like the original, but “with a little upgrade.” Guests can expect nice wines, cocktails and the largest whiskey selection around. Live entertainment along the lines of acoustic jazz performers will enhance the experience on weekends. Unlike the “intimate” lower-level bar on Coventry, the new spot will provide a little more elbow room between tables.
Other upgrades include an ex-
panded menu that goes well beyond the complementary cheese plates and finger snacks out east. High-quality meats, fish and vegetables will be simply prepared and served.
Patrons of the Whiskey Bar will also enjoy free parking in an adjacent lot.
Novak is a realist when it comes to sampling rare spirits, cognizant that the price doesn’t always correspond with one’s level of enjoyment. That’s why he offers flights, a discounted way to try three different whiskeys that might otherwise be out-of-reach cost-wise.
“It’s good for the whiskey lovers who want to explore,” he explains. “Sometimes these pricier drinks are not really what you are expecting. People might be expecting magic water. The difference between a 10-yearold and 30-year-old might literally be 100 times the price, but it’s not 100 times better.”
Now Open: Royal Docks Brewing Tied House in Ohio City
The northern invasion of Canton-based Royal Docks Brewing has begun. This week, the 10-year-old brewery opened the doors to its newest outpost, Tied House + Kitchen in Ohio City. The 100-seat restaurant and taproom has taken over the former North High Brewing space at COhatch.
Co-founders John Bikis and brewer Dave Sutula launched the company in Stark County in 2015. They’ve since grown from that 7.5-barrel brewpub to running a production facility with
was the place to be most nights for partygoers in search of a high-intensity dance club experience. If Bryan Dall has his way, that level of energy and excitement will beat again in a new home just steps from the original.
In 2023, Dall purchased Big Bang Dueling Piano Bar (1163 Front Ave., 216-417-6222) from the original owners in Nashville, who had let the club decline since its debut eight years prior. The new owner had dreams of making a few improvements and enjoying many fruitful years ahead. But that wasn’t the case.
and 30-barrel systems. Royal Docks follows the classic “tied house” model, with a central production facility feeding a growing number of taprooms in both urban and near-rural communities.
The Ohio City pub got a complete overhaul since North High decamped, with Royal Docks going for a more pub-appropriate look and feel.
“Our DNA has always been: what would it look like if a brewery in London put in a pub,” Sutula explains.
Along with brewer Zane Charnas, Sutula crafts a wide range of award-winning brews. On tap now are favorites like Backyard Crusher, Royal Czeck Pils, Vlad Imperial stout and Yuletide, their Scotch ale-based holiday beer.
Royal Docks is open for lunch and dinner seven days a week, offering a menu that goes beyond typical pub grub. There are wings, poppers and sauerkraut balls, naturally, but also meat and cheese-filled pasties and mititei, heavily spiced sausages. Alo available is an onion ale soup, burgers, and fish, chicken and sausage sandwiches. Heartier appetites can lean into fish and chips, chicken and chips and a comforting English roast with carrots and mashed potatoes.
For folks who want to bring a taste of the brewery home, a small retail section offers canned beer to go.
an `80s and `90s Club, to Open
For
“When I first got it, it wasn’t doing what I expected it to be doing – especially from what the owner said it was doing,” he explains. “There were a lot of improvements to be made, a lot of changes to be made, so we did a lot of that. We were hoping that the volume would come back to what it was before Covid, but it just never did. It just seemed it was time, that the concept had run its course.”
On or about January 18, Dall will shutter Big Bang to prepare for the property’s next act. That will begin on March 1, when the doors to Decades open for the first time.
“It’s going to be an `80s and `90s dance bar,” says Dall. “There used to be a real popular `80s bar in the Flats called the Basement. I’m actually surprised no one’s done an `80s bar.”
Between mid-January and March 1, the space will undergo a slew of cosmetic changes to bring it in line with its new theme. Guests can look forward to new flooring, new lighting, new décor and a host of other tweaks, says Dall.
“We’re not doing anything crazy – we’re not moving bars around or structure or anything like that,” he says. “It’s going to be the same layout, but it’s going to be a completely different design.”
The main hall will be cleared of its tables to make room for the new dance floor. But, adds Dall, the piano playing won’t completely stop.
“The only people that are really being hurt by this are the musicians, so I wanted to try and keep doing an early piano show,” he explains. “We do have a good early crowd for the piano show. We just can’t keep a late one.”
Going forward, the piano players will stick to the `80s and `90s theme.
10-
Big Bang Piano Bar in Flats to Close. Decades,
much of the 1990s, the Basement on Old River Rd. in the Flats
MUSIC
‘MODEL, ACTRESS, WHATEVER’
Versatile singersongwriter Suki Waterhouse performs on December 6 at the Agora
By Halle Weber
SUKI WATERHOUSE GOT HER start in the entertainment industry, acting and modeling at a young age. The singer-songwriter released “Brutally,” her debut single, independently in 2016 after many years of writing and “trying things out.”
It was the first song she’d written that she truly loved.
The melancholy track may have kicked off her artist project nearly a decade ago, but it wasn’t until a few years back that the London-native started performing, and music began to look like a viable career path.
On Friday, Dec. 6, Waterhouse brings her unique brand of indie pop to the Agora in support of her sophomore studio album, Memoir of a Sparklemuffin Waterhouse’s music career took off after signing to independent record label Sub Pop, which rose to fame in the early ‘90s after putting its stake in the Seattle grunge scene by signing bands like Soundgarden and Nirvana in the late ‘80s.
“I was already making music,” says Waterhouse in a recent Zoom audio interview when asked about signing to Sub Pop. “I think the audience got larger, for sure, but I had my reasons for wanting to do it that have stayed the same. So, things changed, but nothing has changed, in a way.”
This past August, Waterhouse opened for one of the eight London shows on her longtime friend Taylor Swift’s the Eras Tour at the 90,000-capacity Wembley Stadium, but she’s still relatively new to performing. The singer-songwriter recalls recently being reminded of one of her very first shows, three years ago at the 300-capacity Winston House in Venice, CA.
“I kind of just shoved myself onstage and figured it out as I was going. I just did a bunch of shows, and some of them
SUKI WATERHOUSE, BULLY, 7 P.M., FRIDAY, DEC. 6. AGORA, 5000 EUCLID AVE., 216-881-2221. TICKETS: $34.50-$75, AGORACLEVELAND.COM.
were more painful than others,” says Waterhouse. “But I definitely had that instinct of wanting to be onstage. I was always longing to be onstage in that way, I think probably more than anything else.”
The 32-year-old’s songwriting has come a long way since its inception at around age 15 or 16. For a long time, she rode out “that really beautiful phase, when you don’t even really consider ever putting anything out…you just make things.”
These days, Waterhouse is inspired by the cavities of her mind and the world around her.
Memoir of a Sparklemuffin lives up to its name, cataloging a wide range of stories.
The dream pop number “Model, Actress, Whatever” is a play on society’s tendency to pigeonhole people, while the soft ballad “Legendary” was born from sitting next to a “quite controversial” older couple at dinner, and absorbing how the messy twists and turns of their lives led them to each other.
“I was listening to them talk about their love story. It was so intense and sweet, how they spoke about each other. It kind of caught me off guard, so I wrote a song about it,” says Waterhouse. “There’s nothing more I like than hearing all the dirty details of someone else’s life.”
Waterhouse also dove deep into the archives of her own life throughout the writing process of this year’s full-length release.
“Faded,” which serves as a sort of thematic centerpiece for the storytelling approach to the album, was written as Waterhouse was diving deep into attempting to reconnect with her younger self. The singer-songwriter shared that her teen years and even a good portion of her twenties can feel blurry, distant, and difficult to recall in vivid color.
“I started writing my own memoirs in the writing process. Even if it was just in very small ways of, like, little snippets of memories, and maybe I’d be able to get a couple of pages out of a certain time,” says Waterhouse. “Sometimes, I feel like everything is so compartmentalized and bifurcated into different parts. I’m trying to get back into touch with the feeling that everything is one.”
The first line of the song came from remembering that an old boyfriend used to call her “Yoko” as a playful pet name, and Waterhouse went on to paint a fully fleshed nostalgic picture from there, fighting her own detachment.
“If I look back and cringe at myself at certain points, I want to be like, ‘No! That is part of your whole. That’s you as well, all the things that you thought and did,’” says Waterhouse. “Every year needs to be owned and sacred and seen as part of the whole, instead of kind of having the block out of certain things that don’t suit you to remember. That’s something that I was trying to do, and I want to continue to do, that really interests me.”
The exuberant mid-tempo pop track, “My Fun” is Waterhouse’s favorite song on the record to perform live. The arrangement involves putting on heart-shaped sunglasses and “catcall yodeling” by Waterhouse and her guitarist to start the song.
“It’s a really uplifting, joyful song,” says Waterhouse. “It’s kind of like delusionally upbeat and happy. It makes me feel good ‘cause I feel like that was one of the first songs I wrote for this record where I was suddenly intrigued after I wrote it.”
The song represents a shift that occurred within Waterhouse.
“It’s always telling what you come out of the studio with,” says Waterhouse. “When I came out with ‘My Fun,’ I could tell that I was in a different place. I could tell that I’d moved on from something.”
Waterhouse revels in celebrating the sentiment of this blissful season with her fanbase.
“Just forcing that positive joy onto an audience, and seeing people kind of transform throughout the song, clapping their hands and moving around. We’re all just kind of elated by that song,” says Waterhouse.
Another song Waterhouse feels translates well live, “Blackout Drunk,” was written quickly and easily after returning to London and strolling around Hyde Park, talking to her girlfriends about how embarrassing their male partners can be when they drink too much.
“Sometimes, we’d be talking about, like, imagine if women acted like this, and couldn’t get themselves into the Taxi at the end of the night,” says Waterhouse. “We started crafting this narrative of a night out. It’s always really good when you’re finding a song really entertaining, and you’re laughing as you’re writing it, and you really exaggerate the details.”
Waterhouse describes the contrast of transitioning from rolling into a new city, walking around, “feeling like death” to the instant serotonin boost of stepping onstage.
“It’s like a live-action horror movie,” she says. “Where, there’s that anticipation every night of, am I gonna bring to the table something, like, are we gonna have this like reciprocal experience together?”
But once she hits the stage, Waterhouse transcends into something bigger than herself for that small pocket of time, through the other-worldly atmosphere that live music curates.
“For a lot of people, and for me too, it’s like a religious experience,” says Waterhouse.
jniesel@clevescene.com t@jniesel
Suki Waterhouse.|Jeremy Sosa
LIVEWIRE Real music in the real world
WED 12/04
Tab Benoit
In his 30-plus-year career, singersongwriter Tab Benoit has become passionate environmental activism. To that end, he performed two nights in his hometown of Houma, LA at the 16th Annual Voice of the Wetlands Festival. He also appears prominently in the IMax motion picture Hurricane on the Bayou, a documentary of Hurricane Katrina’s effects and a call to protect and restore the Wetlands and produced a CD to help restore that state’s Coastal Wetlands. He performs at 7:30 tonight and tomorrow night at Music Box Supper Club.
1148 Main Ave., 216-242-1250, musicboxcle.com.
THU 12/05
In This Moment
The hard rock band fronted by Maria Brink formed in Los Angeles nearly 20 years ago and released its debut, Beautiful Tragedy, back in 2007. The current tour that brings it to the Agora supports the latest album, Godmode, a collection of heavy tunes that show off Brink’s intensity (she whispers evocatively on the title track and then effectively screams on “Sanctify Me”).
Doors open at 5:30 p.m. 5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.
FRI
The Marshall Tucker Band
12/06
The veteran Southern rock group
performs tonight at 7:30 at MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage. Since founding member Doug Gray still fronts the band, you can expect songs such as “Can’t You See” and “Ramblin’” to resemble their originals thanks to his distinctively husky voice. Jefferson Starship, another classic rock act that’s gone through various lineup changes over the decades, opens. 10705 Northfield Rd., Northfield, 330-908-7793, mgmnorthfieldpark. mgmresorts.com/en.html.
SAT 12/07
Donnie Iris & the Cruisers
Now one of rock’s elder statesmen, singer Donnie Iris regularly still makes his way from his Pittsburgh home to perform in Cleveland with his backing band the Cruisers. The guy’s career
goes back decades. In 1970, he earned a gold record with the Jaggerz for “The Rapper.” In 1978, he joined Wild Cherry, and in 1979 he formed Donnie Iris & the Cruisers. Tonight at 7:30, he returns to MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage.
10705 Northfield Rd., Northfield, 330-908-7793, mgmnorthfieldpark. mgmresorts.com/en.html.
The Ohio City Singers
This local band’s festive live shows typically celebrate the season in grand fashion. Singer-songwriter Don Dixon often dresses up as Santa Claus, and he’s been known to belt out an exuberant rendition of William Bell’s soulful “Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday.” Singer-multi-instrumentalist Doug McKean will lead the crowd in a chant of “E-G-G N-O-G!” during the zydecoish “Egg Nog,” and singer-guitarist
The reunited Jesus Lizard performs at the Agora. See: Sunday, Dec. 8. |Doug Coombe
Austin Walkin’ Cane often turns in a woozy rendition of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” At 8 tonight, the group brings its annual holiday show back to the Music Box. If you can’t make this show, the group plays again on Dec. 14 at the Rock Hall, on Dec. 21 at Forest City Brewery and on Dec. 22 at the Treelawn as part of Winterloo 2024. 1148 Main Avenue, 216-242-1250, musicboxcle.com/.
SUN 12/08
Better Lovers
This hard rock band features Greg Puciato (ex-Dillinger Escape Plan) and 3/5 of the rock group Every Time I Die. The band released its debut single, “30 Under 13,” in 2023, followed by the four-song God Made Me an Animal EP. Songs such as “At All Times” feature dynamic guitar interplay and complex time signatures. The current tour that brings it to the Roxy at Mahall’s 20 Lanes supports its debut album, Highly Irresponsible.
13200 Madison Ave., Lakewood, 216-5213280, mahalls20lanes.com.
A Charlie Brown Holiday Tribute Cliff Habian Quartet presents a special show with selections from the songbook of pianist Vince Guaraldi of Charlie Brown/Peanuts fame. Habian performs at noon and at 4 p.m. today at Music Box Supper Club. 1148 Main Ave., 216-242-1250, musicboxcle.com.
The Jesus Lizard
Having just released their first new studio album in years, the hard rock group returns to Cleveland for the first time in decades. A terrific live band led by unhinged frontman David Yow, the group has inspired acts such as Brit rockers Idles. It plays tonight at 7 at the Agora. Local rockers Disengage open. 5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.
Dave Koz and Friends Christmas Tour 2024
The smooth jazz icon brings the 27th iteration of his Christmas tour to Connor Palace. Singer-guitarist Jonathan Butler, saxophonist Vincent Ingala, guitarist Adam Hawley and singer Rebecca Jade will join him for renditions of holiday classics. The show begins at 7 p.m. 1615 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.
Pentatonix: Hallelujah! It’s A Christmas Tour
The popular vocal group brings its holiday tour to Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse. The group has just released
a new holiday tune, “Meet Me Next Christmas,” a snappy tune that served as the title song for a Netflix special. It’ll inevitably end up in the setlist for the tour. Tonight’s concert begins at 8. One Center Court, 216-420-2000, rocketmortgagefieldhouse.com.
THU 12/12
Angela Perley
This singer-songwriter, who grew up in Hilliard, started writing songs when she was still in high school and initially put together an all-girl pop-punk band. Then, while attending college at Ohio University in Athens, she began to develop an alt-country bent. She brings her special holiday-themed show to the Beachland Tavern. Cory Grinder and the Playboy Scouts share the bill. The music begins at 8 p.m. 15711 Waterloo Rd., 216-383-1124, beachlandballroom.com.
Trampled by Turtles
The bluegrass band that formed in Duluth, MN way back in 2003 performs tonight at 7:30 at the Agora. Wilco’s Jeff Tweedy produced the group’s 2022 album, Alpenglow, a great distillation of the band’s twangy sound. One dollar per ticket will be donated to Backline, a non-profit that connects music industry professionals and their families with mental health and wellness resource. 5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.
FRI 12/13
Baldassarre Rock Orchestra
Talented guitar hero Carl Baldassarre, who once fronted the popular Cleveland rock act Abraxas and can play just about anything in Led Zeppelin’s catalogue, brings his Baldassarre Rock Orchestra to the Agora. Doors open at 6:30 p.m.
5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.
SUN 12/15
Kash Doll
The actress and rapper who proclaims to be the “reigning queen of Detroit hip-hop,” has just released the single “Kash Kommandments,” a simmering anthem that finds her defiantly rattling off a list of street-wise rules to live by, performs tonight at 7 at the Agora. 5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.
scene@clevescene.com
SAVAGE LOVE
QUICKIES
By Dan Savage
1. What’s the sexiest holiday food to eat off someone’s body?
While food can be sensuous, you don’t eat food off someone’s body unless you’re fucking or about to fuck… and fucking on a full a stomach is uncomfortable, which is why I’m always urging people to #FuckFirst” on Valentine’s Day (and their wedding days, birthdays, anniversaries), and fucking on a slowly filling stomach really isn’t much better.
Like many people, I made the mistake of incorporating food into foreplay when I first became sexually active. Putting whipped cream on our tits made me and my first boyfriend feel like we were doing something naughty and sophisticated without either of us having to make ourselves vulnerable, e.g., without either of us having to open up about our actual kinks. And as we both quickly learned, whipped cream quickly liquifies as it rises to body temperature, and then you look and smell like an infant barfed all over you — which is not something anyone you wanna fuck could find sexy.
Anyway, everyone should enjoy holiday food and holiday sex — but not at the same time, and not in that order.
2.Noquestionhere, Dan, just wanted to say we fucked first and ate later. Thanks for that great piece of advice!
You’re welcome!
3. How can I come hands-free? I’m a cis male.
Like squirting or rolling the edges of your tongue to make a little tube, coming “hands-free” is not something everyone can do. And most of those “hands-free” orgasms you’ve seen in porn? They weren’t entirely “hands-free.” Most of those guys are brought to the edge of orgasmic inevitability with a hand — their own or someone else’s — before being fucked over the edge.
4.Anytipsforquickly preparing your butt for anal?
You could do what we used to do before douching became standard: take a dump and cross your fingers. It wasn’t a perfect system (douching caught on for a reason), but it worked reasonably well — meaning, it succeeded more often than it failed. You should also prep with lube — lots of lube — and prep with PrEP. And remember: in addition to protecting you from all the sexually transmitted infections PrEP doesn’t (PrEP only protects you from HIV), condoms also keep shit off your dick!
5. How do wesneak in some quick sex while we’re staying with the whole family?
You offer to do a coffee run for the whole family, you head to the nearest “drive-through” Starbucks in the miserable suburb where you were raised, you park your car and go inside. You place your order at the counter, you head for the restroom — which is empty and clean, as very few people get out of their cars and then you have sex (quickly!) standing up while your family’s enormous coffee order is being prepared.
6.Pleasekeepthisanonymous:I’magay41-year-oldman. Ienjoyhookupsbutloosesexualinterestwhenthere’s affection and a connection. Am I doomed?
If you want a committed relationship that’s romantic
and sexually exclusive — or romantic and sexual but not necessarily sexually exclusive — you’re probably doomed, as it doesn’t sound like you’re wired for that. You could attempt to rewire yourself, of course, but the attempt could take years and there’s no guarantee the attempt would be “successful.” (And if you’re not broken — if this is just how you’re wired, i.e., how your sexuality functions — then there’s nothing about you that requires fixing.) But if could be happy in a committed romantic relationship that’s intimate and loving but not sexual because the man you’re with is wired the same way you are or he’s asexual but homoromantic — then you’re not doomed.
7. What are the best Christmas-themed positions?
Christmas isn’t sexy. You can have sex on Christmas — because of course you can (and not just in the bathroom at Starbucks) — but mistletoe shouldn’t be hung over ballsacks and Santa hats shouldn’t be worn at swingers’ parties. And just as we all eventually learn that whipped cream isn’t a sex toy, we all eventually learn that mixing up “positions” isn’t adventurous or kinky. We find the positions that work for us and our partners — the ones that hit just right — and they become our go-tos. (Ideally, they become our work-uptowards after a lot of foreplay.) So, whatever positions work for you and your partner when it’s not Christmas are the same positions that will work for you and your partner when it is Christmas.
P.S. When people talk about “positions,” they mean positions for penetrative sexual intercourse (usually PIV, sometimes PIB), e.g., missionary, doggy, wheelbarrow, cowgirl/boy/hand, etc. So, if you’re the kind of person who thinks about sex as a range of possible “positions” for penetrative sex, taking PIV and PIB off the menu — doing something else for once — is the single best way to discover something new.
8.Mypartnerhas a fantasy of us with a trans woman. We want to be totally respectful but it’s not a dating situation. (He wants to try it, but only as a one-time thing.) So, we thought it would be best to do this with a professional. A friend suggested we might have some luck by posting Grindr. We have no real idea how to make this happen without being jerks or getting arrested! Help!
Please don’t approach random trans women on Grindr and offer to pay for sex. There’s nothing wrong with doing sex work, of course, and there are trans women out there who do it, but trans women — even some trans sex workers — resent the assumption that all trans women are sex workers. Instead, follow trans women who are open about being sex workers on social media and then, after getting a sense for who they are as people, respectfully approach them — as people — and inquire about their availability and interest.
9. A sub wantsto drink allllll of my pee. And not just a little taste — he wants to drink every drop, over a few hours. I’m on an SSRI and while I assume he’d be getting a negligible dose of my meds, I don’t actually know that for sure because WebMD just isn’t cutting it this time. Can you help?
I don’t know for sure that your sub has nothing to worry about — trace amounts of SSRIs can be detected in urine samples — but I feel confident stating that if trace amounts of SSRIs in urine posed a health a risk to piss drinkers… yeah, I would’ve heard about it by now. Also, you’re not talking about that much piss you can produce at most 24 in three hours — which makes your sub about as likely to overdose as he is to drown.
10.Canyouget hemorrhoids from rough vaginal sex?
“Hemorrhoids are a natural part of our anatomy and it’s only when they become inflamed or start
to protrude that they become noticeable,” said Dr. Rachel Gelman. “Typically, things like constipation or anything else that places a lot of downward pressure on the pelvic floor is associated with hemorrhoid dysfunction. And while linking vaginal sex with hemorrhoids is bit of a stretch — pun intended — if someone had underlying pelvic floor dysfunction and penetrative sex was aggressive enough, that could over time result in rectal issues or bowel dysfunction and lead to hemorrhoids.”
Dr. Rachel Gelman is a pelvic floor specialist and a sexuality counselor. You can follow her on Instagram and Threads @pelvichealthsf and learn more about her work — and pelvic health in general — at her website pelvicwellpt.com.
11.Beingaroundfamily is a turn-off for me. Any suggestions?
Don’t move back in with mom and dad, if you can help it, and head to the nearest drive-through Starbucks when you’re feeling desperate.
12. How do I get my boyfriend to eat out another girl in front of me? He says he doesn’t think he can do it unless we do it together. But that’s not exactly what I’m looking for. (It’s what I want for Christmas.)
I’m guessing you’re a straight woman — you wanna watch your boyfriend go down on “another woman” but you don’t wanna go down on that woman yourself — which means there’s a chance your boyfriend doesn’t wanna go down on another woman and setting “after you” as a condition allowed him to say no without seeming like an unadventurous prude. There’s also a possibility he thinks this is a trap — he might worry you’ll be angry if he seems too eager to take you up on this offer — and he’ll modify his position if you keep asking.
13.Howdoyou navigate dating exes for friends or friends of exes in a healthy and respectful way?
You owe a friend the courtesy of a heads up after you start dating one of their exes. If you’re friends with an ex, you owe your ex — as a friend — that same courtesy. But that’s all you owe them.
14.Ballpunchingandsqueezing: At what point does it get dangerous?
When a guy says he wants you to punch him in his balls as “hard as you can,” what he means is, “I want you to punch me in the balls as hard as my balls can take it while we both pretend you’re punching me in the balls as hard as you can.” So, ball punches are always pulled bunches. As for squeezing, increase pressure gradually and ease up when he really starts to squirm. That said, there’s always a risk of a testicular rupture when you get rough with someone’s balls.
15. Are we stillcoming out at Thanksgiving?
Gay people who wanted to come out to the whole family at once — to get it all over with — often came out at Thanksgiving, even at the risk of “ruining” the holiday. Also, gay people who worried that a family member reacting violently often came out at Thanksgiving because there was a certain safety in numbers, e.g., your violently homophobic dad was less likely to beat the shit out of you in front of your grandmother and aunts and cousins. Nowadays, you can come out to the whole family on a group text and dads are whole a lot less likely to beat the shit of their gay kids, which means coming out on Thanksgiving — while still a thing some gay people do — isn’t a thing as many gay people do.
16.Howdoyoudispose of used poppers? What am I supposed to do with all these little bottles?
You’re supposed to take your used and/or expired poppers to a waste disposal site that processes
household chemicals that shouldn’t be poured down the sink or leach into a landfill when the bottles break. Or you can do what most gay men do and let those little brown bottles accumulate in your nightstand until you die and stick whoever has the sad task of emptying your apartment with figuring out how to dispose of them.
17. How do I explain being poly to my rural Kansas (but Midwestern nice!) extended family?
Matter-of-factly — and if any of your relatives have divorced or been widowed and remarried (or even gone steady more than once), they already understand that a person can have more than one committed romantic partner over the course of their life. You’re doing it concurrently instead of sequentially, but you’re not doing anything most of them haven’t done. In other words: serial monogamy is a form of polyamory.
18.Irecentlydidmolly and watched a female friend masturbate while my wife slept. Are we okay to memory hole this?
The memory hole — like the turkey — isn’t going to stuff itself.
19. When was the last time you were in a bathhouse?
I’m curious why you’re curious — were you hoping to run into/through me in a bathhouse? — but I’m happy to answer the question: I’ve only been in a bathhouse once or twice in my life and only when I was doing outreach for a gay man’s sexual health organization. Now, I’ve been to some sex parties that didn’t take place in bathhouses, but I brought a date because, while I’m no prude, I am a lady.
20.What’syouropinion on displaying sex toys or BDSM gear in your bedroom vs. having a “toy chest” that blends in with the décor? Obviously, it’s better to have a secret and separate sex room altogether, but not everyone can afford extra space.
Having a toy chest is better than leaving your gear on display and/or strewn around your bedroom — not because owning BDSM gear is shameful (and your toy chest doesn’t have to blend in!), but because you want the sight of your gear to mean something.
21.What’sapiece of advice you regret giving?
I can think of a few things — but I’m more interested in how my readers would answer this question. So, gang, what have I gotten wrong, when did I get it wrong, and am I still wrong or did I come around?
22.Havingsexin your partner’s childhood bed in their childhood bedroom while their parents sleep in the next room? Yay or nay?
Yay — so long as you can keep it quiet. (Just as there are things a mother has a right not to know, there are things a mother has a right not to hear.) If you can’t keep it quiet, having sex in your partner’s childhood rec room — or dining room or living room or garage (whatever is farthest from their sleeping parents) — feels every bit as naughty as having sex in their childhood bedroom. You also have the option of fucking your partner in their childhood bedroom when alone in the house and/or everyone else is busy making food and/or entertaining guests.
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