GreenPrints' Funniest Stories, Part II

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GREENPRINTS FUNNIEST STORIES, PART II

12 MORE OF THE FUNNIEST STORIES WE’VE EVER RUN!

BRIDAL WAIL. . . THE OBSESSED GARDENER . . .

JOY FEELS ALL OVER . . . AND SO MUCH MORE!

COVER ART BY GEORGE HENDRICKS

Contributors

DENA SEIFERLING

Martine Casellini lives in Stony Brook, New Jersey and wrote 13 (Parts I & II) wonderf pieces for us between wonderful Inez Castor is a garden columnist GP#40 and GP#61. in Crescent City, California.

Diana Nolanwrites a weekly garden Robert Christensen lives in Penn- column in Lexington, Ohio. sylvania and runs a small circus in New York state!

Nancy Riggan: Riggan This Orange City, Iowan sent in her story to offer us Jeff Taylor writes from Oregon and “some fiction among the florals.” has been contributing to GREENPRINTS since all the way back to our Gary Church: New Castle, Pennsylsecond issue! vania’s Gary has been a grower of seasonal Steven Chamblee runs potted plants for 30 Texas’s Fort Worth years.

Botanic Garden.

Harold Dunn wrote Carol Raitt: “Seattle is a whole book of his one home. Any northchild-gleaned wisdom west forest with conicalled The World Acfers above and trilliums below is cording to Kids. my other.”

Becky Ann Bartlett garden, parKarel Capek: Czechoslovakian sci- ents, and raises a lot of zucchini in ence-fiction writer Capek invented Nazareth, PA. the word “robot,” yet was a passionate gardener.

Chris Woods: “I do little other than garden, read about gardening, and John Hershey Hershey: “America’s least write about gardening.” knowledgeable gardening expert, I live in Denver and write a gar- Ian Loft is a writer for the website den-variety humor column (www. Helium.com. rakishwit.com).”

Bob Baker: NYC‘s Baker used to be Dan Heims runs Terra Nova Nurser- a cactophile, until he discovered his ies in Portland, Oregon. true love, gloxinia.

Neville Randall is the author of the C.L. Bothwell, III: “The Do” was out-of-print gardening book, Thou first aired on Bothwell’s public radio Bleeding Piece of Earth (1964). spot, Duck Soup.

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The Face on the Left?

That‘s Before.

On the Right? After.

OK, OK, that doesn’t happen all the time. Not every time we start out as confident—almost cocky—as the fellow on the left, do we end up like the guy just above. But it does happen enough to make gardening very interesting.

Might as well laugh about it, I say!

Welcome to Part II of The two Ebooks, GreenPrints’s Funniest Stories. Each Part contains 12—that’s right, one dozen—of the absolutely most humorous stories we’ve ever published, from over 18 years of GREENPRINTS magazine. And that’s not all: Each part has a bonus: a free link to one more hysterical, classic (and loooong) GP humor piece!

Why, by the way, two parts? Because there were too many great, terrific, irresistible stories for me to fit into one Ebook. That’s the reason, plain and simple So, for a second time, enjoy, dear reader.

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!

Happy (and Successful) Gardening, Pat Stone, Editor 3

MARILYNNE ROACH

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GreenPrints’s Part I The Most Important Tool ..........................................................8

By Inez Castor My No-Grow Azaleas ..............................................................10

By Robert Christensen The Joy of NonGardening ......................................................13

By Jeff Taylor Love in the Garden ...................................................................16

By Steven Chamblee Stumped......................................................................................17

By Carol Raitt A Gardener’s ’s Prayer .................................................................19

By Karek Capek Warm and Fuzzy Garden Communication ..........................20

By John Hershey Garden Clerk Stories ...............................................................24

By Dan Heims One Name Left ft ..........................................................................27 Sent in by Marcia Kinder Geer My Astilbes’d Still Be and Fruiting the Lawn ....................28

By Bunny Sisson and Lorna Schofield Getting Your Visitors’ Worth ..................................................29

By Neville Randall “Dahling, Your Forsythias” ....................................................34

By Martine Caselli 4

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Funniest Stories Part II

Bridal Wail....................................................................................8

By Nancy Riggan The Youngstown Vindicator ...................................................12

By Gary Church How to Spot a Real Gardener ................................................. 14

By Karel Capek It Gives Me Joy Feels All Over............................................... 15

By Harold Dunn Teachable Moments .................................................................18

By Becky Ann Bartlett The Obsessed Gardener ..........................................................20

By Chris Woods The Zucchini Phenomenon ....................................................23

By Jeff Taylor Oops! Oops Again! And Yet ...................................................29

By Ian Lott Walter Mitty Has Nothing On Me .........................................30

By Bob Baker The Do That Don’t ....................................................................34

By C. L. Bothwell, III “Don’t Worry, Dear!” ................................................................38

By Martine Caselli Humbled By a Rose ..................................................................41

By Diana Nolan 5

GreenPrints’s Here are 9 of the funniest, most unique garden books ever written! They are all rare finds, truly special, and personal favorites.

Humor, Heart & Inspiration These two cover the gamut!

Chicken Soup for the Gardener’s Soul

Weeder’s Digest

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This remarkable anthology contains the 40 absolute best pieces from the first 5 years of GREENPRINTS magazine —with over 60 illustrations! Paperback.

Item #A002 $15.95

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IT’S HERE! 101 of the most moving, funny, and inspirational gardening stories ever collected.

Coedited by Pat Stone.

Paperback.

Item #A020 $12.95 Audiobook #A021 $9.95

Henry Mitchell For decades, the insight, stylish writing, and biting wit of this Washington Post columnist made him America’s premier in gardening voice. Thank Back nt! i goodness his words have Pr been collected.

One Man’s Garden The second collection of the irrepressible—and irresistible—Mitchell’s work. Belongs in every literate gardener’s library! 91 essays.

Paperback.

Item #A016 $14.00

The Essential Earthman

BACK AT LAST! The famous first collection (1981) of Henry Mitchell’s biting, witty, and wise Washington Post garden columns! A true classic! Paperback.

Item #A015 $16.95

Henry Mitchell on Gardening

The third (posthumous) compilation of Mitchell’s work. Complete your set with his final, wisdom-of-age reflections! Paperback.

Item #A017 $13.00

MC/V Phone Orders: 1-800-569-0602 Internet Orders: www.greenprints.com

Funniest BOOKS! In A Class of Its Own!

Contemporary Classic!

The Gardener’s Year

. pp 4 e 4 Se9 & 1

This little-known gem is my absolute all-time favorite garden read.

Karel Capek’s joyous, lyrical, 1929 classic is a true hyacinth for the soul. Paperback.

Item #A001 $14.95

The $64 Tomato

“How One Man Nearly Lost His Sanity, Spent a Fortune, and Endured an Existential Crisis in the Quest for the Perfect Garden.” Wonderful and funny! Paperback.

Item #A026 $13.95

Beverley Nichols Down the Garden Path The first of Beverley Nichols’s hysterical, passionate, unique, and justly famous gardening books. A classic from 1932. Hardback.

Item #A025 $24.95

in ck t! a B Prin

Merry Hall

Beverley Nichols, the funniest British garden writer of his generation, is back in print! His passionate gardenmaking makes delightful reading! Hardback.

Item #A013 $24.95

Mail orders to: GreenPrints, P.O. Box 1355, Fairview, NC 28730 Quan. Item # Title

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SubTotal 7% Sales Tax (NC residents only) S&H ($3.00 for one item; $5.00 for two or more) Check Enclosed GRAND TOTAL Mastercard/Visa _____________________________ _______ number exp. date daytime phone__________________ Payment:

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The Youngstown Vindicator People who live in weedy gardens shouldn’t throw speeches. By Gary Church

t wasn’t my idea. My daughter married a guy who thought I should have a vegetable garden. Next thing I knew, he’d plowed up a spot right out front.

That’s how I got started. I ordered a book from the Penn State Extension Service to help me learn about gardening.

I studied all the technical stuff—when to plant, how deep to dig, and what fertilizers to use. (I may have skipped the chapter on weeding, though.)

Lo and behold, a Christian women’s group asked me to speak about gardening at their luncheon. I have a problem saying no, so I gave a speech based on what I had learned from the book I read. I didn’t really plan on it being a funny speech, but I started out with something “A reporter’s funny—and they laughed. Well, one thing led to another in that regard, if you know coming at I mean.

3:00 to interview whatYou know how word gets out about a you and take funny, no-pay speaker. I ended up giving several speeches for different organizations. pictures of I got so involved in speaking that I sort of your garden!” forgot about my garden. Weeds took over completely. I don’t think weeding is my gift.

One Saturday morning, I came back from an errand, and my wife said to me, “We’ve got a lot of work to do! The Youngstown Vindicator called. A reporter there said he’d heard you had been giving talks on gardening. They’re coming at 3:00 to interview you and take pictures of your garden!”

“What garden?” I said, panicked. “It’s all weeds!”

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ILLUSTRATIONS BY DENA SEIFERLING

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My wife actually helped me weed the garden for the first time in her life. (OK, OK, it was the first time in my life, too.) When we were done, I got out my lawnmower and mowed around the edges to make sure the garden looked neat.

As 3:00 came near, I went into the house and washed my hair, so I would look good in the picture. I then casually walked out to my garden with a hoe in my hands so it would look like I was working in it when they came.

Well, 3:00 came and went, but no reporter did. I waited and pretended to hoe and waited and pretended and waited some more.

After an hour passed, it finally came to me. Someone had played a trick on me: It was a prank call to get me to weed my garden!

It’s been 20 years since that happened. I still haven’t seen that guy from The Youngstown Vindicator. But somebody must have driven by that day—or peeked out their window—and just about doubled over laughing.

I still speak when I get the chance. But my garden? Two tomato plants in containers.

No weeding. ❖ 13

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From Karel Capek’s wonderful 1929 classic, The Gardener’s Year

ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOSEF CAPEK

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You buy some flowers for your table; You tend them tenderly as you’re able; You fetch them water from hither and thither— What thanks do you get for it all? They wither.

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The First Rule of Weeding The way to tell the difference between a cultivated plant and a weed is to pull it up.

If it comes back, it was a weed.

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Oops! Oops Again! And Yet . . .

By Ian Loft

ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARILYNNE ROACH

The first flat I rented (here in Toowoomba, Australia) had a small enclosed back yard I thought would be perfect for a garden. Anyone visiting would be met with a glorious display of the colors I’d grown.

It took me a long time to pulverize the thick, dark clay into something resembling topsoil. Then I planted my seeds, dutifully watered, and carefully pulled out any annoying little green shoots that popped up—no weeds in my garden!

Oops. I had weeded out my own plants! I replanted, using purchased seedlings. First, though, I carefully shook off all that clingy black muck that seemed to be strangling their roots.

Oops, I had damaged the roots so much that all the plants quickly turned brown. I replanted with more flower seedlings, making sure to transfer all the soil medium with the plants. This time it took them almost three weeks to die. Maybe I was overwatering? I cut back on the water.

Oops, the clay set like a rock. Apparently, I needed to amend the soil. Feeling literally bulletproof after learning three valuable lessons, I mixed in a ten-kilo bag of something called “blood and bone.” The smell was so acrid it made my eyes water. Then I set out some new murder victims—I mean, seedlings.

Oops, the overdose of that acidic supplement killed the plants almost instantly. Quite a bit poorer, I mixed in a full complement of compost and amendments, and carefully set out a new array of flower seedlings. They lived. They were going to look wonderful!

Three weeks later, I received a job transfer and had to move.

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What’s your worst gardening mistake? Send it to GREENPRINTS, Broken Trowel Award, P.O. Box 1355, Fairview, NC 28730. If we print it, you’ll get a free one-year subscription and a GreenPrints Companion CD! 29

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GreenPrints CDs! Vol. 1: Classic GP Stories

Vol. 2: More GP Greats!

GP Companion, Vol. 1: A Bounty of Friends

$10.00

GP Companion, Vol. 2: Good Will Gardening $10.00 MC/V 7% Sales Tax (NC residents only) phone orders: S&H: $3.00 for 1 item; $4.00 for 2 or more 1-800569-0602 GRAND TOTAL GreenPrints, P.O. Box 1355, Fairview Fairview,, NC 28730

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GREENPRINTS it! a ’t W

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Back Issues are magic, unique, —and running out!

Nos. 1, 5, 17, 35, 59, & 68 are already gone for good!

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You’re Still Reading?

Wonderful!

Just for fun, here’s a FREE BONUS for you!

The longest humor story GREENPRINTS ever ran—a full 14 pages!—is a hysterical odysessy of horticultural disaster. It came from a 1856 French classic, A Tour Round My Garden, written by Alphonse Karr (a man whose “kindly affection was rendered more piquant by a slight spice of genial misanthropy”). In this one-thing-after-another tour de force, the poor protagonist ends up out 300,000 francs and convinced that one should “Never have any neighbors, if you wish to live at peace with them” . . . and all because he tried to grow 12 flower bulbs!

The story is waiting for you on our website. Can you answer this riddle:

“Why can’t flowers kiss?

They don't have _ _ _ _ _ _ .”

Sure, you can! Well, write that at the end of our website address, stick on a little "html," and you're there. In other words, go to www.greenprints.com/tulips.html. That’s it!

Enjoy!

Happy Gardening,

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Pat Stone