Defined 00 Become an Attractive Man by Grit2Great

DEFINED ISSUE 00/ SUMMER 2015

become an attractive man dates 1-3

your strategy for success!

What you need to do once you get the date with her.

body language

The single most essential body language tip to improve your results.

frame success

4 mindsets to develop

are you a man women desire?

4 key communication

tools to improve your relationship

08 05

False Premises + Early Origins Discover

what makes you an attractive man; Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not what you thought!

The Backbone of Inner Confidence Essential tips for

becoming your authentic self.

Conversation Made Simple Breaking down some basic

Connection People are mirrors. What you put out into the universe is what you receive.

The Past, Presently

Body Language Understanding the single most important thing you can do to massively improve your success.

Putting this ALL Together

Generating your own Luck Everything is an

Strong Mindsets How you see and perceive the world matters, make sure your approach is setting you up for success.

Dating the Right Way

Why your past will come back to haunt you, learn to alter your psychology.

Opportunity; make the most of every single moment.

The Art of Communication Learn the real components you need to master communication.

approaches to casual conversation.

Learning to apply the new tools you have learned. Setting yourself up for success in dating.

introduction || First and foremost Defined is a quarterly publication built just for you. After years of coaching clients from many different backgrounds, we’ve recognized there are four important areas to life. These four areas are Health, Wealth, Relationships, and Personal Investments. No matter where you come from, no matter what your background is, these four areas of life are something we manage on a daily basis. In fact, a large part of success in life is predicated on how we manage these areas. That’s where Grit || Great comes in. Grit || Great is a personal development agency that accelerates personal growth to achieve your highest dreams, goals and aspirations. We help you define greatness in yourself, as well as, show you how to use obstacles and setbacks as opportunities so you can get from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow. We work with wide range of clients from businesses to individuals who have specific areas of development they wish to pursue.

Our tailored and behavioral based approaches helps you grow your business, make more sales, builds confidence to live the lifestyle you want to live, creates breakthroughs in your career, it helps with building strong professional and personal connections, it helps find time for your passions, AND it can help with developing general fulfillment in your work and overall life. Whether it’s wanting to develop goals around health and nutrition, to dating and relationships, to wealth and wealth management, or developing keystone habits and core characteristics: You define it, we’ll help you build it. Follow us on IG/Twitter @Grit2Great Copyright ©2016 Grit2Great, LLC. All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, without written permission from the publisher.

Our Team For Questions and Feedback reach out to us at info@grit2great.life

7095 Hollywood Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90028 Suite 575

Pavel Petrov

editor & contributor creative director

Justin Jensen

editor & contributor

Sameem Rouhani editor & contributor

Phone: (+1) 323-484-6082 www.grit2great.life

IT’S NOT ABOUT MONEY, STATUS, OR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE BUT RATHER WHAT LIES BENEATH THE SURFACE.

DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

false premises +

early origins || When it comes to becoming an attractive man it’s not what most normally expect it to be. You might think it has to do with money, status, physical appearance or all of the above. Or this James Bond esque air of confidence when walking into a room. If this sounds familiar then you’d be forgiven as this is what seems to be portrayed often in the media. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s important to understand it’s not just the money, the status or physical appearance. It’s not about being the next Brad Pitt or George Clooney either. The traits of money, status, and chiseled physique are external factors while nice to have are not the key ingredients to a connection (or a genuine you). For example, you could have all the money, status and good looks in the world, but a crummy personality won’t get you very far. In reality, attraction has a lot more to do with what lies beneath the surface than what’s on the surface.

A WOMAN LAUGHING IS A WOMAN CONQUERED -NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

Paul McCartney, the famed Beatle, was highly sought after because the revolution the Beatles made in music by touching the hearts and minds of millions of people. Women all over the world wanted to be with Paul, and it wasn’t because of his good looks. It wasn’t because he was jacked or looked like Tom Brady, and it wasn’t because he was becoming wealthy. It was because his passion for music, for putting on a good show, and elevating people’s minds and spirits that was attractive to women. In short, it was his magnetic core that attracted others to Paul.

On the Contrary... Justin Bieber, while young and arguably still maturing, has all the fame and fortune. He can buy ridiculously expensive cars, he can buy mansions, and he can buy boats. But relationship wise, he’s more often in the dumps than not. While his fame, fortune, and good looks can get him a lot in life, it doesn’t mean these are 100% guaranteed traits for a deep lasting relationship. (As a side note on relationships: People who look for surface level features only find themselves surface level relationships because they’re not looking into the depth of what the relationship is or could be. Then, because there isn’t any depth, relationships fizzle out because there’s no real connection to begin with. Ever have relationships end almost as soon as they began? That’s where this comes from.) What’s attractive to women is the core being of who we are. This core of who we are is also where our inner confidence comes from and radiates out to those around us. This inner core is what women connect with more than they do with our physical appearances. Here’s the main difference that men don’t really consider or think about. Most guys assume women are wired like we are. But they’re not, and here’s why. Coming from an evolutionary psychology perspective, men are primarily attracted to signs of youth and fertility. Why? Because youth and fertility are thought to be signs of good genes and, thus, have the ability to

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pass on good genes. From a strictly biological level this is where our attraction begins as men. It should be noted men are attracted to who they find attractive largely based on their individual biological preferences, which is why beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Women, on the other hand, are more attracted to a man that can be a good provider, and to a degree, a good protector. In our origins, the human race lived in a much more dangerous and volatile place. There were threats everywhere from lack of food, war with another tribe, sporadics raids, animal attacks and diseases. Therefore, men who could demonstrate being good providers and protectors to the women they sought gained favor. On a biological

DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

level, this meant they could care for their offspring and ensure better chances of survival. It was this connection, established on a biological level (first, and later on emotional levels), which created strong bonds between men and women. And they even continue to do so today to a degree. The Reason Sales Matters: Despite what you may think about social interactions and relationships, and even if you dislike the idea of it, we are all in sales and constantly sell ourselves to get what we need or want from our lives. We do this ALL THE TIME! Think about all the friends youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve made and relationships courted. In a way, it was sales because if they became your

Assumptions are the termites of relationships. -henry winkler friend or lover then you successfully sold them on YOU. They trusted you enough to buy your friendship or companionship. It’s why the say, “People don’t buy products or services, they buy people” is a common phrase. So, how do you build relationships you ask? A lot like you would in sales, because here’s the kicker: All buying decisions are based on the emotional connection you have towards a product (or person). Which is why you either have an iPhone or Android phone. It’s why you like certain brands over others, and why others like the brands you dislike. It’s all based on you being drawn by the connection you have to the brand and the identity you build around it.

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connection || PEOPLE ARE MIRRORS. WHAT WE GIVE OUT, WE GENERALLY RECEIVE. This is why fake confidence is so easy to pick up on, it’s why cheap tricks and disingenuous “tactics” don’t work because most people aren’t stupid. They see through the bullshit. Just like you can generally see through it. You can’t connect to fake. This KILLS trust. How you feel about yourself --and what you radiate out-helps explain why when it’s a bad night “you’re not feeling it”. We hear often from beginning clients about how the environment wasn’t good, the crowd sucked, or how the music was terrible instead of looking inward and understanding it was the other way around. It was their internal mood that dictated the night, not the external circumstances. Great nights come from genuinely feeling awesome and on fire. These are the nights when you don’t care about out8

DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

comes because you’re simply having a good time enjoying yourself. If women seem like they’re giving you a hard time you’re able to hold your frame like a champ and let it all roll off your back. The small stuff doesn’t shake you. This is why so many of your conversations go well when you’re feeling your best. It’s because your guard is down, you’re open, and more importantly, you’re able to have fun while you’re building a connection with others. This is why you meet more cool people when you’re out and feeling good. It’s why you walk away feeling good about the night (or at social event). Starting to see it? How you feel on the inside dictates not only the action you take in the present, but also determines how you feel about a situation in hindsight. Good moods tend to equal good positive experiences. Shitty moods tend to paint shitty memories and experiences in our minds.

the past, presently || On a deeper psychological level, how we feel on the inside paints the reality we see in the outside world. Our reality is mostly shaped by our current feelings and our history. Together, what we see from moment to moment is a mix of these two factors combined. Playing in a song and dance that paints the world, the people, and the experiences we see in front of us.

YOUR HISTORY IS THE COLLECTIVE EXPERIENCES YOU’VE INTERNALIZED COMPOUNDED OVER TIME. The lessons you’ve internalized, the good, the bad, and the ugly, largely dictate your actions- like a software running on a machine. This helps explains how and why you react to certain situations as opposed to other situations in similar fashions. Or why some dating experiences were good and why others were bad. Or why we tend to date the same type of people. It is thought (and heavily studied) that our memories --aka our past-- are recorded through two primary systems in our brain:

The Medial Temporal Lobe

The Amygdala

The Medial Temporal Lobe is an area of the brain (with surrounding supported structures like the Hippocampus) is largely responsible for storing new memories -- namely explicit memories.

The Amygdala is widely thought to be the storage place for strong emotional memories. It’s also responsible for fear based emotions and is the epicenter of (and trigger for) high emotional states. It’s where emotions start even before we’re consciously aware of them.

Explicit memories come in two forms: “semantic” aka factual memories and “episodic” memories which are recollections of personal experiences. In 1972, Endel Tulving of the University of Toronto and Wayne Donaldson of the University of New Brunswick developed the concept of the two primary systems in which our brains store information (either semantically or episodically). Semantic memory is responsible for us remembering things like understanding how to put words together to form a sentence and the sky being blue. Episodic memory is the emotional memory of where you were and what feelings you had at the time which they came up. This is important because the more self-aware you become the more you realize that the past often plays itself presently.

The best way to simplify how the mechanisms of the Amygdala work is by fear conditioning. During studies, they found that stimulations and associations form a tight bond together. When our brains pick up a stimulating signal and it matches a negative experience it starts a process where we start feeling strong emotions. In other words, when we’ve experienced a similar situation over and over again, and the outcome isn’t favorable, we tend to (rather quickly) develop negative associations with any new situations or environments that look similar. It part explains why we’re so quick to judge and make assumptions as we pull past data and project it onto what’s currently happening in front of us.

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that many people enter into a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. -ANTHONY ROBBINS www.grit2great.life

The Result Combined, these two areas of the brain play a huge role in situations where you’re uncomfortable and don’t have much confidence. It’s why rejection hurts because somewhere in the past it was internalized as a bad thing, and the more it happened, the more it compounded. This creates the tendency to have the same feelings come up again and again in similar situations, especially, in the face of the potential outcome for pain . Here are some examples: Anxiety about the thought of approaching strangers. In this case, historical memory dictates this hasn’t gone over well in the past, and anxiety about repeat failures becomes real. Therefore, you react in ways that protect you from going through a potentially bad experience again. A quick example of this would be

10 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

needing to grab a drink before approaching a woman you’re interested in. The act of delaying the approach and grabbing a beer is an avoidance action intended on delaying or avoiding pain. Note: We sometimes think when we approach women and it goes badly, that it’s a reflection on us. For example, we might deduce there’s something wrong with our approach, or worse, with us. The problem with this line of thinking is it discounts our wonderful idiosyncrasies -- our unique quirks and personality -- and immediately assumes fault with the self. The truth is, sometimes personalities don’t mix well and it has nothing to do with our perceived faults. By being your unique self, without focusing on your faults, you actually filter in people who jive with your personality. You also filter out those who react negatively to you, and instead, start to attract people who are like you.

Talking about feelings. If you feel uncomfortable about sharing your true feelings, especially when you like someone, it would follow that this traditionally hasn’t gone over well in the past when you did express your feelings. In the past, there was enough rejection or painful experiences from sharing your feelings to tell you it usually doesn’t go over well. In turn, and in order to avoid the pain of rejection (again), you developed a defense mechanism to not talk about feelings. Typically, this leads to opting for safer but shallower connections based around surface level rapport. Unfortunately, this closes the door on opportunities to connect on a deeper level to further spark attraction. Remember, connection is hugely important to attraction. Not talking about how you feel doesn’t leave much for her to connect with you on, tragically, landing you in the friendzone more frequently. Being uncomfortable with intimacy. Similar to avoiding expressing how

you feel, this is another case where historical data suggests rejection has happened either enough times in the past or was bad enough to store negative feelings about being intimate. For example, this may have occurred when everything was going well until there was discomfort on your part about being sexual with her and that’s when everything fell apart. Given enough experiences being internalized as “bad” they become stored in such a way that recalling them becomes fast and seemingly “hardwired”. Meaning, when our brains pick up on a developing situation, which has a similar “look” to those we’ve had poor experiences with in the past, our alarm bells start going off quickly.We respond nearly instantly (and for the most part) to avoid pain that could potentially happen. This is how we protect ourselves.

AS A SPECIES WE’RE REALLY GOOD AT AVOIDING PAIN. WE DON’T PARTICULARLY LIKE PAIN (ESPECIALLY EMOTIONAL PAIN), SO IT’S EASIER FOR US --AND OUR BRAINS-- TO AVOID IT. It’s worth noting we’re particularly motivated by either pleasure or pain. For example, when we like playing video games it’s because they tend to stimulate our brains and hit our reward/pleasure sensors and release dopamine. This is why we’re drawn to video games because of the pleasure we receive while playing them. Similarly, when we’re on a work project we’re not connected to, we’ll distract

ourselves with Facebook, Instagram, texting, etc. because they provide an immediate reward compared to working on a lame project we’re not feeling. This might sound crazy but ironically one big motivator for change is pain. Pain often motivates us because we don’t like it.

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It’s uncomfortable and doesn’t feel good, and we’ll often do things when we’re in discomfort to alleviate it. For example, let’s say we let our health habits slide (because, let’s be real, who doesn’t like good deep fried food?) and gain a few extra pounds. The discomfort we start feeling from the weight, and the status quo of it not changing, will actually motivate us to start eating healthier and working out because the pleasure from knowing we’re making positive changes overrides the pain we feel from the current state we’re in. If we stick with it long enough, the motivation for a healthier life will develop into a habit and can point back to where it all started -- the moment we got fed up with the way things are.

You’re a Prophet, Kind Of. Often times, there is this pattern of: situation, emotional responses,

12 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

and reaction. When we recognize a familiar situation is developing, we get an emotional response and, without thinking much of it, we react. Essentially, this is know as a selffulling prophecy. When we believe in something so strongly, that it dictates our actions, causing the very thing to come into existence.

based on the premise that you didn’t know how to approach it. Which was based on the premise you’re not good in these situations. Which was based on the premise it hasn’t gone over well below in the past.

Let’s say your buddy starts egging you on to approach and talk to an intimidatingly beautiful woman who just walked into the room. You take notice of some internal pressure rising, your gears start turning rapidly as you try and figure out how to approach her and what to say. Then, in a hot second, you remembered you needed a drink. So you go grab another beverage, feeling slightly relieved.

(Success drives more success, these small victories add up and lead to excitement to go over and start a conversation)

While you might not see it very clearly, and you may have thought you needed a beverage, what actually occurred was a chain reaction taken to avoid potential rejection. Which was

Get it?

These experiences, where we subscribed to our excuses completed a self-fulfilling cycle. The thought, emotional response, and inaction helped reinforce the idea of “I don’t like approaching women randomly”. Thus, with hindsight bias we can say, “Because I felt this way about this situation, this confirms the idea I’ve had all along that I don’t like approaching women, and therefore I’m not good at it”.

THERE’S A BIG MISCONCEPTION AROUND FAILURE AND IT’S CORRELATION WITH SOMETHING ‘BAD’.WE OFTEN THINK THAT REPEATED SUCCESS LEADSTO MORE SUCCESS; IN REALITY, IT’S LEARNING FROMREPEATED FAILURE THAT LEADS TO SUCCESS. Thomas Edison didn’t create the lightbulb because he repeatedly made good light bulbs. He created the lightbulb because of 999 other times it didn’t work. It was learning through each attempt where he improved and got closer to his goal. Similarly, guys who are good with women are simply better at failing and getting rejected than the guys who avoid rejection and feeling failure. That’s it. They can handle it better.

subscribe to, AND the way you react to these things today are bullshit. This isn’t meant to sound harsh, or discount any extremely disruptive experiences in the past. It’s to wake you up and see how some thoughts keep you from growing.

The men who do well with women don’t feel like failures and they don’t beat themselves up. They walk away saying, “Welp, that didn’t work” and they chalk it up and move on to the next experience. They don’t dwell on what went wrong, they don’t dwell on what’s wrong with them, and in short, they don’t take it personally.

Somewhere along the lines you told yourself, multiple times, that you weren’t good enough, that you’re “bad” in certain situations, AND THEN, you actually started to believe them because you had falsely interpreted the data. Compounded over years, these lies you sold yourself became “truths” and absolutes. Then, they become self-fulling prophecies by reproducing themselves over and over and over again and reinforcing these negative beliefs.

This is important because it shows you how feelings you had about your past experiences, the way you internalized them, the negative self-talk you

If you want to build your confidence back up, step one is to stop lying to yourself and making excuses for why you’re something you’re not. This is

all about how you prop yourself up. If you really want to start this process of change then look forward to failure. Look forward to the growing process and the lessons you’ll get to learn with each experience. The ONLY way to get through it is to fail forward so you can retrain your brain on how to look at negatives as positives. Over time, you’ll break old self-defeating patterns, and instead, give you tools to conquer them. Think about it. If you had the ability to reframe every negative experience you have ever had into something that was positive, do you think you’d be reading this right now? Don’t you think you’d have a profound sense of who you are and confidence?

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Opportunity is all around, get into the middle of the action!

generating your own luck || 14 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

Opportunity, opportunity, opportunity. The best way to get better is to go on lots of dates, and second dates, and so on. With each date, pushing your comfort zone ever so slightly. The goal isn’t to sleep with as many women as possible. The goal is to get comfortable by being uncomfortable, by learning how to communicate better, by being with women you’re attracted to, and going after what you want. The only way to do this is through action. Fill The Calendar: The first step is to fill up your calendar so you’re always in areas of opportunity. There’s three ways to do this:

1. Use your calendar to keep track of social events during the week or weekends. Then, actually attend them.

2. Take classes where people do something together. Some ideas are improv classes, cooking classes, crossfit, hiking groups, art gallery events, networking events, etc.

3. Have a favorite lounge to hang out as a fall back option in case it’s a light week.

4. Start hitting up the online dating circuit.

In the beginning, it’s best to start with your current social circles and scale up. Go out with friends more, say yes to more invites, and suggest more places or events to go to. Online dating is a great supplement to your efforts and something to work on during the week. Set a goal to go out at least 2-3 times per week and be social. Make a goal to meet five new people every time you go out. The more active you are in the beginning the more opportunities you’ll have to practice. If you’re too nervous to make this a committed goal then enlist an accountibilibuddy who gets $100 every time you don’t go out. Not a bad incentive, right?

Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the great make you believe that you too can become great. -mark twain www.grit2great.life

the art of communication || WHETHER IT’S ONLINE DATING OR IN PERSON SUCCESSFUL INTERACTIONS TEND TO GO LIKE THIS: Light Banter

A brief exchange of funny situational commentary, or exchange of opinions, or a tasteful joke. Humor is always a great way to break the ice because people’s nerves tend to be up in social situations, especially for women. Women get hit on a LOT more than guys realize. Unfortunately, it’s usually creepy and unwelcoming. Utilizing humor to break down walls helps you stand out as different from the other guys who are creepy as hell. That being said, there are guys out there who think going up randomly and starting a conversation is weird or creepy. It’s not, so get over it! Having a fun conversation is NOT creepy. It’s coming on strong with compliments and sexual advances right off the bat that are creepy and unwelcomed.

If you’re truly uncomfortable winging it, sign up for improv classes. Improv teaches you how to make a conversation fun with what’s available in front of you. It helps because improv forces you to use your creative mind and add creativity to the conversation by utilizing the environment and conversational bits around you. Classes are also a safe play to practice banter and get constructive feedback that you can apply when you’re out socializing.

Showing Interest

After a few exchanges of playful banter it helps to move the conversation along by showing some interest. I.E., What do you like to do for fun?”. This is important because at this point she’ll open up about herself. Usually, people will share something cool about themselves so it’s important to acknowledge and appreciate what they choose to

16 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

share. After connecting on some commonalities --and good conversation-- this is a perfectly good time to set up a date. “Ok I’m sold. :) Let’s grab a coffee on [pick a day]”. These are purely examples so use your own personality, humor, and style to set up dates to get the best results. The point is to ask for what you want. If you don’t ask for what you want the answer is always no. The best first dates are coffee or happy hour. Keep it short and only to an hour unless it’s going amazing. While you’re on the first date (or just meeting for the

Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation. -oscar wilde

first time) setup the second date while on the first date to increase your chances of seeing each other again. This effectively plants a seed by accomplishing two things: 1. Signals that you like her more than a friend and having a good time. Meaning, there’s more substance and depth to your interaction. 2. Frames the idea of hanging out again in a casual and non-needy way. Do not overly commit to planting the seeds or do this aggressively as this will come across as needy. Simply offer suggestions here and there and see what sticks, and works well for both of you.

Rapport

This is where most guys screw up. It’s common for guys to skip the above steps and go straight into rapport.

18 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

That is the simple secret of happiness. Whatever you are doing, don’t let past move your mind; don’t let future disturb you. Because the past is no more, and the future is not yet. To live in the memories, to live in the imagination, is to live in the non existential. And when you are living in the non existential you are missing that which is existential. Naturally you will be miserable, because you will miss your whole life. -osho

The problem is rapport is meant for building solid connections not for flirting and dating. Flirting and dating are part of the song and dance of attraction. That’s why banter and showing interest is so important in the beginning. It’s what builds interest beyond a friendship. Keep this in mind because this means you shouldn’t be getting into rapport over Tinder, texting, or leading with rapport in the beginning of the interaction. Namely because: Rapport is boring in the beginning and 90% of the men out there do this in the beginning. You don’t want to look like the 90% do you? Rapport is the fastest way to the friendzone. But only in the beginning. Use rapport to your advantage, and again be careful not to start with rapport. Technically, rapport can be defined as mutual trust and emotional affinity. Rapport should really only be done

in person because it’s how you authentically connect with someone. A great time to enter into rapport is after bantering and showing some interest. At this point, you have her attention, she’s interested, and the interaction becomes more about solidifying the connection further. At this point, you’ve demonstrated you’re a funny confident dude who’s interested, and is comfortable with connecting and moving forward. The golden rule for rapport is to connect on light topics. These typically include talking about fun things like music, travel, hangout spots, foods, etc. This is NOT a time to talk about childhood experiences (unless it’s in a light playful context), or religion, or politics, or hot button issues. Remember how our memory works: here, as well as, in the previous steps, we want to continue building positive associative memories

with us. Not negative ones. Keep it light and playful in the beginning by building and connecting positively. As the relationship progresses to third, fourth, fifth dates and so on, those are the appropriate times to get into deeper rapport.

Stating Your Intentions

This last part is about being vulnerable and actually telling her you like her. Too many guys think just by talking with her and being in her presence is enough to let her know you like her. It’s not, and this behavior lands guys into the friendzone all the time.

enjoying her company and you’re glad you met. Say something about her you appreciate. Not necessarily her looks, but something specific about her that makes her unique to you. Her personality, eye color, something she said that was intriguing, etc. This is about being genuine and vulnerable in showing appreciation. Generally, you want to say this when closeby and can look her in the eye when you say this to show you mean it authentically. Showing appreciation is one of the greatest gifts you can give to other people.

Keep in mind women deal with insecurities too and may not see your non-verbals as signs of interest. They might assume you just want to be friends. So it’s necessary to state that you’re interested in her. Let her know you’re

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body language || THE BIGGEST TIP WE CAN COVER IS QUITE SIMPLE IN THE CONTEXT OF BODY LANGUAGE: SMILING!

to read facial expressions on people when we’re talking with them. From these facial expressions we determine whether we trust someone or not. 2. Smiling conveys positive emotions, especially, on how we’re feeling on the inside. So, when we make an entrance to a social venue with a big smile on our face it shows a welcoming confidence. If you’re in a room who would you rather talk to: the person who’s smiling or the person who looks like he’s pissed off or depressed?

The Essential Tip

Side Note

It’s worth mentioning a couple of tips about body language. In truth, this should be the biggest section of the publication since our non-verbal communication (including our vocal tonality) makes up around 90% of total communication. However, as you can see, it’s difficult to discuss body language in plain old text.

Making good eye contact is also recommended. Although, solid eye contact without a warm smile is creepy so remember both smiling and solid eye contact send strong positive vibes. Good eye contact includes a mix of looking at someone when they are talking to you and when speaking with making eye contact but also taking brief breaks.

The biggest tip we can cover is perhaps the simplest and most effective one in the context of body language. And that’s smiling. Smiling is the most effective form of body language for two reasons: 1. Human’s first read on someone is their face. We’ve been trained over thousands of years

20 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

Pro Tips 1. Stand up straight with your shoulders slightly rolled back. 2. If you’re at a social venue hold your drink at your side. 3. If you need help with some visuals on body language it’s best to study an actor you look up to.

The greatest fear in the world is of the opinions of others. the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom. -osho

stong mindsets || It’s important to go over some critical mindsets on how we frame things. When working on any skill it’s important to keep things positive so you’re constantly reinforcing your experiences in a constructive way. If your experiences are constantly being filtered in with a negative point of view it’s going to be extremely difficult to learn and improve.

Embrace Failure

Have Fun

It’s going to happen anyways so you might as well enjoy the process by treating “failures” as lessons learned. During the recap of your experiences find at least 1-3 good outcomes that came from investing your time into areas of growth even if it felt like a total failure. Establish the habit of walking away with something positive to say about the experience. This helps immensely with combating negative self-talk because it trains you on how to focus on positives instead of negatives.

This is perhaps the most important part of the equation. Enjoy the process and don’t take it too seriously. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Chalk bad experiences up to an interesting story or a lesson learned, and let them roll off your back like water. Go out there and f*** a bunch of shit up until you start to pick up your rhythm. You will, but it takes having fun during the process to enjoy it to learn and get better. Remember, a positively reinforced outlook creates positively reinforced experiences.

Treat Learning Like Science

Hold Your Frame

Gathering experiences not only makes for great stories later but it also helps with gathering feedback. How do you know if something is working or not until it’s tried, tested, and evaluated? Make this about setting a goal, then trying it out more than a few times to gather real feedback, and adjust depending on the results. Then try again, and again, making subtle adjustments along the way.

Look, sometimes we’re going to say stuff and it’s going to fall flat. It’s embarrassing. That’s OK. So long as you take ownership of it, like: ”Yep, that just happened” because it’s attractive when we own up to our slips and mistakes. It’s unattractive to immediately try to fix the “error”. Now, if you said something that was off color then that’s different. But if you made a dumb joke, don’t apologize in a way that depreciates your value. Play it off like it’s no big deal and move on.

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DONT JUST BE YOURSELF

OWN

YOURSELF.

the backbone of inner confidence || BECOME YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF While this could be a whole book in itself, there is one very simple principle. This principle is huge when it comes to generating attraction with the people who are right for you. Remember, the goal isn’t to have everyone like you, what’s more important is filtering in the ones who are the right fit and compatible. The only way to do this is to be your authentic self. Your authentic self embraces and shares what makes you tick. It’s taking full ownership of who you are, and being totally cool with it, despite how you feel it might be received by others. Whether you’re into really nerdy topics, sports, 22 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

health and nutrition, science, computers, rocketships, whatever it is, if it’s something you love and enjoy then OWN it and share it. All too often people try to fit in by connecting on other people’s interests rather than on their own interests. We’ve seen this over and over again with clients who tend to range from computer science majors, engineers, doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, real estate professionals, venture capitalists, etc. We’ve worked with those who were afraid about sharing the cool things they did because they didn’t think women would find it cool. They dismissed it as

something too nerdy, too technical or uninteresting. Therefore, their entire interactions were based on what they thought women would want to hear. Unfortunately, this resulted in more people pleasing behaviors in hopes to gain favor, thereby, reducing their frame to a submission frame instead of the leading frame in the interaction. The results were dismal. They had a hard time understanding what happened or where they went wrong (which why they started taking up training). It wasn’t until they started to talk about the neat things and projects they’ve done, and how they’ve impacted the world around them, that women started to become drawn to their stories. It was at this point they finally showed their true colors -- which is what women are most interested in anyways. Women are so much better at picking up on people’s emotions than men, so when we come from a place where we’re genuine, it gives them a place to connect to. If not women have a hard time connecting, and therefore, gradually lose interest. So while it might seem cliche to say “Just be yourself”, it should be said, “Just OWN yourself”.

What this really comes down to is vulnerability --and the willingness to talk about your life. Not just talk about it as in: Her: So what do you do? You: I write computer software (wow, cool story bro) It’s better to share a story or parts of a story: Her: So what do you do? You: I write computer software that helps millions of people have access to free education. (Wow! I wonder how he does that?) Then, you can share how what you do helps other people without getting into the nitty gritty technicalities. See the difference? You said what you did but also added how it impacts others. This makes for a far more interesting conversation by sharing a bit more about yourself. Some simple conversational tips about work or what you do for a living:

Hook: lead with a statement or question that draws more interest. It should have the effect of “tell me more”. Impact: from a high level talk about how your job positively impacts others around you. What are the benefits to your work? Throw in a joke or two to keep it light and fun. Also, sprinkle in some questions about her too so it’s not just all about you. One thing Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have been noted in doing was talking passionately (sometimes intensely) about what they were building or bringing into the world with the women they were interested in. Yes, Musk would literally talk about his rockets and show the ladies YouTube videos of his rockets launching or blowing up or both. Steve Jobs, in his early days, would talk intensely for hours about design and the Macintosh. Basically, they were super nerds talking about what they love and had no shame about it. While you can argue they have money (or whatever) they didn’t show it off or even talk about it. Half the time the women didn’t even know who they were. So keep this in mind when being social. OWN IT.

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conversation made simple || Hook: lead with a statement or question that draws more interest. It should have the effect of “tell me more”. Impact: from a high level talk about how your job positively impacts others around you. What are the benefits to your work? Throw in a joke or two to keep it light and fun. Also, sprinkle in some questions about her too so it’s not just all about you. One thing Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have been noted in doing was talking passionately (sometimes intensely) about what they were building or bringing into the world with the women they were interested in. Yes, Musk would literally talk about his rockets and show the ladies YouTube videos of his rockets launching or blowing up or both. Steve Jobs, in his early days, would talk intensely for hours about design and the Macintosh. Basically, they were super nerds talking about what they love and had no shame about it. While you can argue they have money (or whatever) they

24 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

didn’t show it off or even talk about it. Half the time the women didn’t even know who they were. So keep this in mind when being social. OWN IT. Hook: lead with a statement or question that draws more interest. It should have the effect of “tell me more”. Impact: from a high level talk about how your job positively impacts others around you. What are the benefits to your work? Throw in a joke or two to keep it light and fun. Also, sprinkle in some questions about her too so it’s not just all about you. One thing Elon Musk and Steve Jobs have been noted in doing was talking passionately (sometimes intensely)

about what they were building or bringing into the world with the women they were interested in. Yes, Musk would literally talk about his rockets and show the ladies YouTube videos of his rockets launching or blowing up or both. Steve Jobs, in his early days, would talk intensely for hours about design and the Macintosh. Basically, they were super nerds talking about what they love and had no shame about it. While you can argue they have money (or whatever) they didn’t show it off or even talk about it. Half the time the women didn’t even know who they were. So keep this in mind when being social. OWN IT.

No man is more unhappy that he who never faces adversity. For he is not permitted to prove himself. -seneca

putting this all together ||

Hopefully, you have some good ideas and are ready to start implementing this work. Life can be a fun game when we’re purposely learning, growing, and gathering experience in the areas we want to excel in the most. However, we do have to keep one thing in mind:

Slow is the new fast. This mindset helps us from taking too much on at once, it helps prevent burn outs, and reduces mistakes made along the way. Think about it, there can be a lot of steps to take, and trying to apply it all at once because you want results quickly is how you’ll burn out fast. You’ll quit and complain about how none of these strategies work for. You’ll reinforce negative self-talk, and somehow justify your ways are better even though you’re getting the same results. To prevent this from happening focus on one area and one skill at a time. Pick one area you feel is the weakest and work on it until you have confidence. Then, pick another area and work on it until you are completely confident, and so on. This will start to have a big snowball effect as the small victories pile up and lead to bigger victories.

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dating the right way || HOW TO SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS WITH DATING The First Date The first encounter is an amazing experience for both you and her. It’s also the most nerve-racking. Both parties tend to be on edge as this is the time when most of our insecurities are up. Think about it, she spent two hours getting ready and you’re wondering what the right words are to say and keep her interested. Because there’s a lot at stake for both you and her --aka the stakes of “getting it right”-- this increases the nerves quite a bit. This is why it’s crucial to pick a place that’s comfortable for both you and her. An environment that’s casual and allows you both to relax and start building a wonderful connection. Typically, the best dates include the following elements: 1. It’s in a public setting 2. It has a casual vibe with great places to sit and chat (Think lounges, coffee shops, tea shops, hookah bars, wine bars, etc.) 3. It should be kept to an hour. There’s a couple of reasons for this. 1 - It’s generally the common expectation 2 - Keeping the date to an hour helps foster the attraction and excitement in seeing each other again if it’s going well. 3 - Limited investment of each other’s time Combined, and assuming the chemistry is there, this helps launch the

26 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

potential relationship forward because you both are given the opportunity to actually connect. Remember, connection is one of the biggest indicators that things are going well, so pick spots that help you feel comfortable. When you feel things are going well casually suggest some second date ideas. For example, if you’re connecting on music and bands, suggest going to a show sometime. If it’s food, suggest a cool new restaurant. If it’s coffee, suggest a great shop that brews some amazing coffee. The key is to suggest, but not force it, or expect an immediate yes. All you’re doing is signaling you’re interested beyond this one date and setting the stage for the future, and heck, if you get a yes on the spot then that’s a bonus too!

The Second Date Think of this is as an opportunity to connect even further with her. What’s a good way to connect with her further? Do something fun together! To do this, try and have both of you experience something together. Maybe it’s wine tasting, or paddle boarding, kayaking, going to an art exhibit, or an improv show. Pick this date around something you’re both interested in. This is why it’s important to connect on common interests during the first date. Here’s the one thing NOT to do: Movies are horrible dates, namely, because you can’t talk or experience anything together. It’s also impossible

to connect while watching a movie. Reserve movies for future dates when there is already a connection established. The reason why the experience is so important is because that’s how people bond and build strong connections. Think about the last time you and some friends did something adventurous together. Chances are when you reflect back on a particular experience you’ll be able to pinpoint the activity (or activities) that brought you closer together. The same goes with dating. The more experiences a man and a woman have together the closer they become overtime.

The Third Date A great third date is to do something nice together. Typically, this is cooking a gourmet dinner with some wine, taking her out to a nice spot and going on a walk afterwards, or going to a wine bar to experience some good wine and a romantic atmosphere. The point is to get more intimate and show her this side of you. Whatever the setting you choose, it should be more intimate and helps you two become closer together Wine bars, lounges, or a nice restaurant are usually set up this way and are a great choice. Another great idea is to show off your cooking skills with some nice music and good eating at home.

Its Math. Getting Started and Goal Setting

When it comes to growth the best method to learn are applying concepts and treating it a bit like science.

Start Small The goal isn’t doing massive action all at once. This is about building the habit(s) on one area of improvement so you’re getting into the rhythm. It may seem insignificant at first and that’s totally normal.

Learn Read tips, articles, books, watch some videos, and listen to some podcasts. Identify what areas you feel need the most improvement.

Increase Goals as Time Goes On One good strategy is increasing the number once you feel comfortable hitting your goal(s). For example, start with a light goal of 5 new conversation when going out in your first week. Then, gradually increase the number each week and so on. Write Your Goals Down Whether it’s a spreadsheet or a pen and pad, keep track. Holding yourself accountable is the single biggest element when it comes to conquering new skills and overall success. This means there’s NO TIME FOR EXCUSES. When you hold yourself accountable you take ownership and responsibility to getting it done. Doing this gives it a significant and personal meaning to you which increases the odds of getting it done. Keep track, and use a system that works best for you.

Create Opportunities Get yourself in front of opportunities to apply the things you learn. This means making time for this improvement and not using the “I don’t have time or money” excuse. Apply Principles Try something 10 times. If it doesn’t have a 70% success rate or higher then it’s time to try something new. Evaluate Take time to evaluate, not just the results you see, but also what goes on the inside. Writing down thoughts and feelings is a great way to raise your self-awareness. Once you’re aware of stupid negative self-talk, you’ll see how useless it becomes to believe it. Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s real. Reapply Take feedback then actively re-apply it. Eventually, this becomes like a feedback loop: Apply, evaluate, repeat.

While theory is great, it’s nothing when not applied. The only way to grow is to decide you’re tired of the same results, you’re tired of not getting ahead, and you’re tired of sitting with the same old, same old. This is about leaning in and going on a grand adventure to get better, to be better, and to live a life you deserve. Everyone deserves a brilliant life filled with wonderful dating experiences, and ultimately, to find and fall in love with someone very special. The only person who’ll get in the way of your growth is the person you see in the mirror and the negative self-talk that comes with it. Don’t let that be you. Refuse to listen the part of you which says it’s not going well or it can’t be done. It’s all perspective. Choose to bet on yourself and understand that every experience has a positive element to learn from.

The Superior man is modest in speech but exceeds in his actions. -confucius www.grit2great.life

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. -theodore roosevelt 28 DEFINED Become an Attractive Man

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DEFINED BECOME AN ATTRACTIVE MAN www.grit2great.life