RAE'S REFLECTIONS

21 things I’ve learnt in 21 years. By Rachel Badham

2021 will be the first year I’m entering without being in education, but that’s not to say I didn’t get a lot of valuable experience from my school. First things first – school probably won’t be the best days of your life. It gets better though, promise! When I feel down, I just remind myself I’ll never have to do maths again in my life.

RACHEL BADHAM

University taught me not to be afraid of change. I was terrified to leave home, but moving to Brighton turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made. University was also the first time in my life I lived with friends, and although this was fun at times, it made me realise the importance of taking time for yourself and not feeling pressured to socialise 24/7.

Perhaps one of the most important things I learnt at university is to never mix drinks. Especially not Pimm’s and prosecco. Not to mention all those nights out proved to me that life’s too short to pretend you don’t like cheesy pop music. Go listen to ABBA.

One of the most pivotal moments in my life so far was realising my sexuality, but during the long period of questioning, I found it’s okay to not know who you are. I spent ages struggling to label my sexual identity, but it’s fine to not label yourself. It was also a huge relief when, after years of internalised biphobia, I realised that bisexuality/ pansexuality is real and valid, and it’s possible to love more than one gender.

However, who you’re in a relationship with doesn’t define you. As a pansexual woman, I often felt my identity was defined by whoever I was in a relationship with at the time. Identity is so much more than that, and I

will no longer define myself based on other people’s expectations of me.

With regards to interpersonal relationships, you should never let anyone dictate how you choose to present yourself. I once had an ex tell me I looked bad when I had lipstick on, but you are the only one who decides how to present yourself. I fully intend to add to my lipstick collection this year.

Something I’ve tried to apply to my life recently is to remember you can’t control the decisions other people make, but you can control your decisions and try to make the best of any situation. Fighting someone’s choices is more often than not a waste of energy – focus on yourself instead.

It’s tempting to look back at past situations with others and wonder what the outcome would have been if you had done things differently – I know I’m not the only person who has had imaginary conversations (or sometimes arguments) in my head, wishing I had said something that I no longer have the opportunity to say. However, at the time, you made the best possible decision you could based on your current knowledge.

After struggling with fluctuating mental health for the majority of my teenage years, perhaps some of the most difficult, but also

most crucial things I have learnt are those about dealing with emotional distress. A common response to feeling low is being told somebody has it worse than you, but we wouldn’t tell someone it’s not okay to be happy because somebody out there is happier than you. It’s fine to feel low sometimes.

There is no shame in taking medication for your mental health. It’s a bit of a cliché, but if you were physically ill then there would be no stigma around taking medication. Your mental health is just as important, so if you feel it would be beneficial to you, don’t criticise yourself for taking it, and don’t feel afraid to talk about how you feel.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay for your solutions to your distress to only be short term. Little things that can help alleviate your pain in the moment can help you get through the most difficult times until you can begin to solve the bigger issue.

Finally, I’ve learnt one or two things about the art of self-care. Something I found so beneficial over the past year is exercise. It doesn’t have to be a big deal – just going for a walk is enough, but it makes so much difference to your overall health and wellbeing. Plus, eating three balanced meals a day greatly improved my energy levels and my mood.

I am a self-confessed coffee addict, but for those who struggle with anxiety like myself, it’s good to cut down on the caffeine – it definitely helped reduce those nervous jitters. Another way to minimise anxiety is to have down time; I enjoy working, but at the same time I found that stopping work at a reasonable time in the evening and taking time to unwind really helps to de-stress.

I think one of the most important things anyone can learn, particularly those struggling with their sexuality, identity or their mental health, is that there is no need to prove that you are ‘enough’. We are told that we have to do extraordinary things to prove ourselves worthy of having a space in the world, but I am slowly beginning to believe that just existing makes you enough. And once you know that, things don’t seem so bad.