The Princess and the Pea for Brains (that’s YOU)

By Craig Hanlon-Smith

A series of provocative comment pieces by Craig Hanlon-Smith and Jason Reid.

At the time of writing, a princess is missing. She is Princess Latifa bint Mohammed Al Maktoum, the daughter of Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid al Maktoum. If you’re not familiar with the story I shall spare the details here, you have Google and there is a Panorama special on BBC iPlayer: The Missing Princess.

The reasons why we should give a damn are multi-faceted. First, Sheikh Mohammed has form. This wouldn’t be the first time he has been accused of abducting his wives and children who have dared depart the shores of the United Arab Emirates for a life of freedom. Women’s rights to live as free and equal citizens in Dubai and surrounding states are limited, despite Dubai’s pedigree as an international holiday destination for Western tourists.

That this has not come to our national attention before is certainly interesting. A UK High Court ruling in 2020 revealed details of an earlier abduction of another daughter, which took place in the UK. The Sheikh’s private security team tracked down his daughter Shamsa and took her back to Dubai against her wishes 18 years ago. An episode never fully investigated by the UK authorities. Sheikh houses some of our monarch’s horses on his land here in the UK.

It’s all a little bit awks. Rich heterosexual princess held captive by father who is besties with Queen Elizabeth II, head of the Commonwealth. Questions asked on news programmes about the morality of such relationships, interviews with a sweating foreign secretary Dominic Raab over possible sanctions, it’s all getting really rather serious.

I’m not sure what all the fuss is about myself. It’s not as if the British authorities, Royal Family or UK citizens who flock to Dubai every year for their holiday in a compound usually intervene.

While snoozing on your overpriced sun-lounger, can you smell your brothers rotting to death in prison not 20 miles away?

How many homosexuals are currently languishing in solitary confinement in a Dubai prison? How many are actually put to death? How many of you actually care? How many people in the LGBTQ+ communities are getting their non-gender specific underwear in a twist about the infringement of UK civil liberties during lockdown, but as soon as possible will book themselves a five-night all-inclusive break in Dubai. I have a question for you: While snoozing on your over-priced sun-lounger, can you smell your brothers rotting to death in prison not 20 miles away?

To all UK citizens feigning a human interest in the plight of princess Latifa, know this before you book your trip to the UAE because Lord knows after the difficulties of lockdown you ‘deserve’ that break.

All sexual relationships outside heterosexual marriage are punishable under Sharia law, laws which the UAE adopts in different measures in different states. In Abu Dhabi, anal sex (defined as sodomy) is punishable by imprisonment of up to 14 years, in Dubai it is 10 years. Something to bear in mind Johan and Sebastian after a few too many gins at the hotel bar before you nip off to your balcony jacuzzi for a piece of fruitcake.

Further punishments for any sexual misconduct (including in the privacy of your own beach chalet) can include flogging, execution, fines and deportation. Homosexuality is illegal in the UAE with up to three years’ imprisonment for consenting males (this includes Western tourists). You do not need to be caught in an act of sexual intimacy to be charged with homosexuality. Removing a speck of fluff from your boyfriend’s D&G swim-shorts will be deemed as inappropriate affection towards another male. If you’re lucky, £1,000 and then thrown on to the Airbus. If you’re not... Have a nice Christmas or three.

How many homosexuals are currently languishing in solitary confinement in a Dubai prison? How many are actually put to death? How many of you actually care?

And don’t think when you’re caught having an idle mooch on the beach late at night your same-sex marriage or civil partnership means two hoots in Dubai. Nor can your holidaying mates stick up for you. Any expression of support for LGBTQ+ rights is considered a violation of public morality and the punishment for that? See former list which includes flogging.

You may even want to watch your dinner conversations as people in Dubai have ears. Freedom of expression is allowed as long as it is within the limits of the law. Views which are in breach of public morality are considered to harm young persons or invite persons to espouse or promote destructive principles may not be shared in any form. Shut your mouth. It is also illegal to promote disorder and damage the national unity, social peace, public order and public decency. It is these laws which have had a smattering of tourists in trouble with the authorities in recent years. Most visitors are held for a matter of days, fined and then returned home with a bruised ego and emboldened indignation of the violation of their freedoms in somebody else’s oppressive regime.

As for the local population? Any Muslim male found to be engaging in some or all of the above can expect imprisonment at best but the law allows for their execution. Just something to bear in mind as you pack your suitcase dreaming of selfies on that idyllic beach.

Or perhaps you think it serves them right, for behaving like a princess.